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YOLYME  ^ElGHTEEMTH. 


LONDON : 
PUBLISHED    AT    THE    OFFICE,    86,    FLEET    STRLET. 

AXD  lOLD   BY  ALL   BOOKStLLERS. 

1850. 


LONbOM : 
DRAUUt'RV    ANU    EVANS,    l*RINTEIt5.    WHITErKlAUS. 


XJNCH  now  stands  Eighteen  Volumes  bigli  in  the  world,  without  his 
stockings.  And  as  he  grows  a  Volume  every  Six  Months,  it  ia  a 
calculation  which  he  defies  Joseph  Hume  to  disprove — ^that  he, 
Punch,  is,  with  the  present  halmj  June,  exactly  Nine  Ysabs  Old. 

Punch, — twiddling  a  sprig  of  geranium  between  his  finger  and 
thumb, — a  radiant  bit  of  La  Reine  de»  Franqai$ ;  white  as  though 
noiuished  with  the  milk  of  Venus'  doves^  and  pink  as  though 
reflecting  Venus*  blush — Punch  bethought  him  of  a  Fitting  Presence, 
whereto  he  might  dedicate  this,  the  closing  Work  of  his  Ninth 
Year. 

There  was  inspiration  in  the  thought.  Punch  leapt  from  his 
velvet  chair.  "  We  will  dedicate  it  to  skittles  !  yes " — said  we, 
glowing  with  the  grateful  notion, — ''we  will  dedicate  the  close  of 
our  Ninth  Year  to  Nine  Pins  1 " 

Punch  gently  subsided  into  his  seat,  took  his  Vulcanic  pen, 
spread  out  his  elephantine  sheet  of  paper,  and^  beginning  his 
Dedication,   wrote, — 


"TO  NINE  PINS. 


"This  Volume,  the  fruit  of- 


A  sharp  knock  at  the  door,  and  enter  Mr,  RespeetahUUp,  We  tossed  him  the  sheet,  and  in  few 
words,  made  known  our  intention,  whereupon  Mr,  RespectabiUiif,  drawing  himself  up,  and  throwing  a  glance 
at  us,  sufficiently  withering  to  blight — even  in  June — a  whoto  wall  of  peaches,  in  a  sort  of  cold,  hissing 
voice,   said — but  we  give  the  dialogue. 

Mr,  Respectability.  In  the  name  of  all  our  institutions,  the  Three  per  Cents.,  the  Court  of  Chancery, 
and  the  Best  Pew  of  the  Church,  in  the  name  of  all  these^  what  are  you  about  ? 

Punch.  A  debt  of  gratitude,  dear  Sir.  Many  a  jolly  hour,  in  bye-gone  days,  has  Punch  had  with 
skittles.  Dear  nine  old  friends  I  true  friends,  for  with  all  the  readiness  in  life,  they  'd  be  knocked  down 
a  hundred  times  to  serve  us.     Can't  always  say  as  much  for  flesh-and-blood,  eh  ? 

Mr,  Respectability,  My  good  Punch,  this  was  all  very  well  when  you  squeaked  in  the  street  j  but 
you  must  remember,  you  are  now  a  householder  with  fine  plate-glass  windows;  you  never  appear  but — at 
honsewivea  have  it— in  print,  with  illustrations  sparkling  about  you  that  defy  the  most  golden  evening-waistcoat* 


"  PREFACE. 


Punch.  Wbat^s  that  to  do  with  it?  Nine-pins  are  nine-pius  just  the  same.  Hearts  of  oak  were 
they  in  old  times  and — in  a  word — skittles  shall  have  our  Volume. 

Respectability  {throunng  himself  between  Punch  and  his  Sheet  of  Paper).  I  protest  against  it.  As 
your  friend — your  bosom  friend,  Mr.  Punch. 

Mb.  Punch.  Friend  1  Fiddlededee  1  When  we  were  friends  with  skittles,  you  turned  up  your  nose 
at  poor  Punch. 

Respectability.  Sir,  that  painful  gesture  is  sometimes  a  stem  duty  of  life.  Society,  my  dear  friend, 
is  frequently  saved  by  the  judicious  tuming-up  of  noses ;  and  if  it  was  my  hard  position  to  be  compelled 
to  despise  you  when  in  the  gutter,  have  I  not — Punch,  I  put  it  to  your  beating  bosom — have  I  not 
cultivated  you  ever  since  you  lived  in  a  house? 

Mr.  Punch.  There's  no  denying  it.  Nevertheless,  whatever  may  be  the  consequence,  I  dedicate  the 
fulness  of  my  Ninth  Year  to  Nine  Pins. 

Respectability.  Then  Punch,  I'll  tell  you  the  consequence.  You'll  be  cv^i,  Sir;  cut.  You'll  never 
dine  beyond  Baker  Street  more — ^you  will  never  again,  surmounting  all  obstacles,  have  your  glittering  name 
registered  as  guest  in  the  Morning  Post;  and,  in  a  word.  Sir,  that  great  hope,  end  and  aim  of  your  daily 
life,  that  vision  of  your  sleep,  and  torture  of  your  nightmare,  to  shake  hands  in  open  Pall  Mall  with  a 
Puke, — ^that  glorifying  triumph,  that  social  apotheosis,  will  be  for  ever  and  for  ever  barred,  denied  you. 

Thus  spoke  Respectability,  and  cowardice— like  an  ague — crept  over  the  heart  of  Punch. 

"What  must  we  do?"  we  faltered,  looking  entreatitfgly  at  our  stem  but  trathfiil  monitor.  "The 
Volume  must  be  dedicated,  and,  if  not  to  Nine  Pins,  to  what — to  whom,  then?" 

"To  whom?"   cried  Respect  ability,  rising  upon  his  toes,  and  distending  hia  nostrils,  "Why,  to 

THE  NINE  MUSES!" 

"  Be  it  so,"  said  Punch,  with  compelled  resignation ;  "  be  it  so ;"  nevertheless,  it  would  have  looked 
much  better,  truer,  and  altogether  more  delightful  to  our  recollections,  had  the  Volume  been  oflfered 

TO  NINE  PINSl 

However,  Custom — says  the  Poet — ^is  the  King  of  Men.    Now,  if  Custom   be  the   King,  how   often  is 
BviPXCTABiUTT  the  Tyrant? 


|iitnhtti0n. 


VOLUME    XVIII. JANUARY  TO    JUNE,    1850. 


THE  EUSSBLL  CABmBT.-1850. 

Flnt  Lord  of  the  Treuury ...  Lord  John  Russexx. 

Lord  Chancellor Lobd  Cottenhah. 

Chaooellor  of  the  Kxchequer Sib.  C.  Wood. 

Chancellor  of  the  Duchy  of  Laacuter Lous  Caicfbill. 

President  of  the  Council MjiBquis  or  Lahsdowke. 

Lord  Privy  Seal Earl  or  Mnrto. 

Home  Ofiloe Sib  Oxorqk  Oret. 

Foreign  Office Visoount  Palxibston. 

Colonial  Office Eabl  Obey. 

Admiralty Snt  Fbahois  Thobnhill  Barino. 

Board  of  Trade Mr.  H.  Laboitoherb. 

Board  of  Control ^ Bib  John  Cam  Hobhoubb. 

Poetmaster-Qeneni    .        .......'......  Marquis  or  Clakbioabdb. 

Wooda  and  Foraito Eabl  or  Cablislb. 


POLITICAL  SUMMAEY. 


A  T  the  eommenoeiaent  of  1850  the  excess  of  income  over 
-^  expenditure  was  announced  to  be  two  miUiona,  and  the 
26  inerease  of  exptoti  in  1849  above  thoae  of  1848  was  nearly  ten 
millioni.  A  diminution  of  pauperism,  an  increased  facility  of 
Bubsifltence  and  a  larger  command  of  the  comforts  of  life  on 
the  part  of  the  labouring  population,  gave  sure  indications  that 
the  Free  Trade  polioy  had  worked  beneficially  for  the  country 
at  large,  although  the  depressed  condition  of  the  classes  oon- 
neoted  with  agriculture  was  generally  acknowledged  and 
loudly  expressed  by  the  su^rers.  A  return  to  protective 
duties  or  a  remission  of  financial  burdens  were  among  the 
remedial  measures  suggested,  and  few  persons  denied  that  the 
landed  interest  had  a  lair  olaim  to  any  relief  that  did  not 
interfere  with  the  interests  of  other  classes  of  the  oommunity. 
Some  very  violent  language  was  used  at  some  of  the  Protec- 
tionist meetings,  and  provoked  the  reprehension  of  Mr,  Punch, 
Parliament  assembled  on  the  31st  of  January,  and  the  Qitxxn's 
Speech  was  expressive  of  the  general  prosperity  of  the  country. 
Amendments  to  the  Address  were  moved  in  both  Houses  by 
the  country  party,  and  lost  by  very  coufiiderable  majorities, 
and  other  retrogressive  measures  met  with  the  same  fate. 

Mb.  Hukx  proposed  a  Besolntion  for  the  extension  of  the 
fomobise,  which  received  the  support  of  Feabotts  O'Connor, 
Sib  JoaHUA  Walxszjet,  Mb.  Eoiebuce,  Mb.  B,  Osbobitb, 
and  Mb.  Locks  Kiko,  but  being  opposed  by  Sib  Oeobob 
Obey  and  Lobd  John  Evssell,  Mb.  Huhb's  proposition 
waa  negatiTed  by  242  to  96. 

The  Chutoiclob  ov  tke  ExoEEamB  introduced  his  Budget 
on  the  Idth  of  March,  and  showed  a  favourable  balance  of  two 
miUioni.    A  reduction  of  the  Stamp  Duties  and  a  repeal  of 


the  Briok  Tax  were  proposed,  and  the  Government  were  de- 
feated on  an  Amendment  moved  by  Sib  H.  Whloitqhbt  ; 
but  the  Bziok  Duties  Repeal  and  the  Stamp  Duties  Reduction 
Bills  ultimately  passed. 

Motions  in  favour  of  retrenchment  were  brought  forward  by 
Mb.  Cobdbv  and  Mb.  Hbhbt  Bbctkhond,  bat  negatived  by 
the  House,  and  others  were  anticipated  by  Lobd  Joqk  Rus- 
sell proposing  the  appointment  of  a  Select  Committee  for  the 
same  object.  The  Repeal  of  ^e  window  duty  was  also  pro- 
posed by  Lobd  Duncan,  and  only  defeated  by  a  majority 
of  3.  The  proposed  repeal  of  the  Malt  Tax  was  rejected  by 
247  to  123. 

Much  discussion  arose  in  both  Houses  on  the  extension  of 
the  Irish  parliamentary  firanchise,  with  occasional  majorities 
against  Ministers ;  but  Lobd  John  Russell  moved  the  House 
to  accept  of  a  £12  franchise  as  a  compromise  between  con- 
flicting opinions,  and  the  Bill  passed. 

The  Irish  party  was  greatly  excited  by  a  proposition  of  Lobd 
John  Russell  to  abolish  the  office  of  Lord  Lieutenant  of 
Ireland,  and  the  Second  Reading,  after  a  strong  debate,  was 
carried  by  a  majority  of  225,  but  the  measure  was  ultimately 
thrown  over  to  the  following  Session. 

The  most  interesting  debates  of  the  Session  arose  out  of 
causes  apparently  trivial  in  themselves,  but  which  nearly  pro- 
duced the  dissolution  of  the  Ministry  and  a  rupture  with 
France.  It  appeared  that  the  Greek  Government  had  broken 
faith  with  England,  and  had  put  us  off  with  one  evasion  after 
another,  and  had  at  last  given  a  flat  denial  of  the  redress  to 
which  we  were  entitled.  Advibal  Sib  Williau  Pabxbb 
had  been  sent  therefore  to  the  Greek  waters  and  blookad.«^^2ost» 


\ 


Vol.  XVIII.] 


INTRODUCTION 


[JiiarABT  TO  JtmE,  1B60. 


FirsQus.     Explanations  were  demanded  in  both  Houses,  and 
Lord  Faluebstok  said  : — 

"  In  the  fint  pUce  there  In  a  Mr.  Fihlat  (a  Brltdsh  lubject),  who  has  been 
long  established  In  Orocco,  and  who  some  time  since  had  lands  there,  fmit  of 
which  wns  taken  forcibly  irom  him  for  the  purpose  of  fanning  a  portion  of 
the  gardens  of  the  palace  which  Kmo  Otho  was  then  building.  Mb.  Finlat 
has  been  for  a  long  course  of  time,  supported  by  Her  Majesty's  representa- 
tives, cndoavouring  to  obtain  proper  payment  for  the  land  so  taken.  That 
payment,  however,  has  never  been  got.  Tbo  other'casc  Is  that  of  a  British  sub- 
ject— not  a  Portuguese  Jew,  as  stated  by  my  honourable  Friend — of  the  name 
of  PACxnco.  His  house  in  Athens  was  violently  broken  into  at  midday  by  a 
mob,  of  which  port  were  soldiers  in  the  service  of  the  Kino  or  Grrccb,  and 
some  gendarmes,  the  son  of  the  Minister  of  War  encouraging  them.  There 
were,  bcKidos,  Ionian  subjectfi,  who  upon  different  occasions  were  the  vlctlmi 
cither  of  plunder  or  of  corpoi-eal  ill-usage,  for  whom  also  compensation  and 
indemnity  have  been  required." 

With  respect  to  the  other  and  separate  question  about  the 
two  islands  of  Elapbonitti  and  Sapienzo,  Lonn  Palmgbstox 
made  this  statement : — 

"  By  the  treaty  between  Russia  and  the  Porto,  signed  in  1800,  the  Ionian 
State  was  cuntitituted  witti  tbo  consent  of  the  Sti-tan  :  and  the  State  was  to 
consist  of  certain  islands  tlicrcin  named,  and  of  all  other  islands  and  islets 
lying  between  those  islands  and  the  coast  of  Greece,  up  to  a  certain  point. 
In  pursuance  of  that  treaty,  the  two  islands  in  question,  Elaphonlsl  and 
SapicnEo — two  very  small  inlands,  though  from  elrcumstancos  one  of  them  la 
[>f  importance — were  by  name  aggregated  to  two  of  the  larger  islands  named 
in  tlie  treaty,  and  those  iKlouds  bavoever  since  been  considered  by  the  Porte, 
and  have  been  considered  by  the  Sovereign  of  Greece,  as  part  of  the  Ionian 
States.  When  the  treaty  of  1830  was  signed,  by  which  the  Greek  State  was 
constituted,  the  territories  of  that  State  were  specified  as  oonslstiug  of  certain 
portions  of  the  Continent,  and  of  certain  islands;  those  islands  did  not 
Include  tbo  islands  of  Klaphonisi  and  Saplonca.  There  can,  therefore,  be  no 
doubt  whatever  that  those  islands  have  been,  ever  since  the  treaty  of  1800, 
confirmed  by  the  treaty  of  1815,  and  that  they  ue,  portions  of  the  Ionian 
States." 

France  and  Kussia  took  exception  to  tbo  course  England  had 
pursued,  and  on  the  anniversary  of  Heb  Majesty's  birthday 
the  French  Ambassador  returned  to  Paris  and  the  Russian 
Uinisler  was  absent  from  Court.  Much  disoussion  ensued  in 
both  Houses  of  Parliament,  and  a  majoritj  of  37  was  obtained 
in  the  Ix)rds  by  Lobb  Stanley,  condemnatory  of  the  Foreign 
Policy  of  the  Government  in  regard  to  Greece. 

After  such  an  expression  of  opinion  it  was  thought  generally 
that  the  Ministry  would  have  resigned,  but  Lobb  Johk 
Russell,  in  reply  to  Mb.  Roebttck,  objected  to  place  on  the 
House  of  Lords  the  responsibility  of  controlling  the  Executive 
Government,  and  which  would  place  it  in  a  position  it  never 
hitherto  occupied,  and  which  it  could  not  maintain,  and  he 
called  upon  Mb.  Bisbaeli — if  he  coincided  with  the  course 
pursued  by  his  party  elsewhere — to  ascertain  the  feeling  of  the 
House  of  Commons  upon  the  Foreign  policy  of  the  Government. 

Lobi)  John  added,  that  if  Mb.  Koebvcx  wished  to  make 
a  motion,  ho  should  have  the  earliest  possible  opportunity,  for 
"I  can  only  say,"  continued  his  Ixtrdship,  **that  we  shall 
continue  in  that  course  which  we  have  hitherto  followed  with 
respect  to  our  foreign  policy.  So  long  as  we  oontinne  the 
Government  of  this  country,  I  can  answer  for  my  noble  Friend^ 
that  he  will  act,  not  as  Minister  of  Austria  {eh6er$) — or  of 
Kussia  (protracted  cheering) — or  of  France,  or  of  any  other 


country— but  as  the  Minister  of  England,  The  honour  of 
England,  and  the  inteiesta  of  England— such  are  the  matters 
which  are  within  onr  keeping ;  and  it  is  to  those  interests  and 
to  that  honour  that  our  conduct  will  in  future  be,  as  it  has 
hitherto  been  directed."  {Loud  and  general  cheering.) 

Ma.  Roebuck  not  entirely  agreeing  with  the  constitutional 
doctrines  laid  down  by  the  noble  Lord,  said  he  should  pro- 
pose a  resolution  "  according  to  the  offer  the  noble  Lord  held 
out."  To  him  it  seemed  that  Loed  John  Russell  had  only 
stated  one  half  of  the  great  rule  that  governs  the  Executive 
of  this  country,  adding : — 

"  I  admit,  a  mere  resolution  of  the  House  of  Lords  Is  not  of  itself  a  suffi* 
dent  reason  to  lesd  to  the  alteration  of  a  Government ;  yet  it  la  so  im- 
portant in  our  double-chamber  system  of  legislation,  that  both  should  act,  if 
possibly  in  hanoony,  or  if  not,  that  there  should  be  a  complete  understanding 
in  the  public  mind  as  to  the  ground  of  the  disagreement,  that  any  Adminis- 
tration which  has  been  thus  censured  by  the  Bouse  of  Lords  is  bound  not  to 
shrink  fWim  an  appeal  to  the  House  of  Commons ;  and  if  that  appeal,  when 
mode,  is  not  succcasfhl,  then  their  path  is  clear.  {Otterf.)  It  is  because  I 
ngroe  in  the  policy  laid  down  by  the  noble  Lord  at  the  head  of  Foreign  Affairs 
in  this  coimtiy,  that  I  will  test  the  opinion  of  this  House,  in  order  to  learn 
whether  we  can  find  a  verdict  in  tho  House  in  his  favour,  and  also  to  learn 
distinctly  and  clearly,  and  sufficiently  for  the  world  to  know,  whether  or  not 
Her  Hajestt'b  Government  has  the  confidence  of  the  people  of  England. 
(Ckeen.)  Therefore,  Sir,  I  shall,  in  acoordanoe  with  the  permission  of  the 
coble  Lord,  to-morrow  move  the  following  resolution,  of  which  I  now  bog  to 
give  notice,  namely, 

"  '  That  the  prindplea  which  have  hitherto  regnlated  tlie  for«lgn  policy  of 
Hsu  Hajcstt's  Government  are  such  as  were  required  to  preserve  untarniHhed 
the  honour  and  dignity  of  this  country,  and,  in  times  of  unexampled  dlfflculty, 
tho  best  calc\ilated  to  maintain  peace  between  England  and  the  Torinus 
nations  of  the  world.'  " 

The  debate  extended  over  four  nights,  and  resulted  in  a 
majority  for  the  Government  of  310  to  264. 

This  debate  will  also  be  memorable  as  the  occasion  of  the 
last  speech  of  Sib  Robbbt  Pebl.  It  was  adverse  to  Ministers. 
Within  a  few  hours  after  its  delivery,  the  eloquent  statesman 
was  dead.  All  remembranoe  of  political  differences  were  for- 
gotten, and  only  his  great  practical  reforms,  his  power  of 
mind  and  strength  of  body  remembered.  In  every  part  of 
England  he  was  mourned  and  regretted. 

Among  the  misoellaneouB  measures  of  the  Sessions,  the 
Reform  of  the  Universities,  the  Alteration  of  the  Law  of 
Marriage  and  the  Amendment  of  the  Factory  Act  attracted 
some  attention,  but  a  Motion  by  Lobd  Ashlet  to  discontinue 
Labour  in  the  Post  Office  on  Sunday,  and  which  he  carried 
against  the  Government  by  a  majority  of  93  to  68,  created 
almost  universal  interest  throughout  the  country,  as  it  caused 
the  sudden  closing  of  the  operations  of  the  Post  Office  on  the 
Sunday.  The  vote  of  the  House  was  aoted  upon  for  several 
weeks,  and  there  was  a  total  suspension  of  the  delivery  of 
letters  and  newspapers  on  Sunday,  and  the  strongest  remou- 
stranoea  were  made  from  all  parts  of  the  Country,  and  the 
subject  being  again  brought  before  the  House,  the  Post  Office 
regulations  were  placed  on  their  former  footing  in  conformity 
to  the  Totea  of  a  very  large  majority. 


Vol.  XVIIL] 


INTRODUCTION, 


[Javcaxt  to  Juiri,  1860. 


NOTES. 


MOB 

2      Three   Butchers'    Bride. — Tho  high   price  of  butoher'a 

meal  liad  betn  gtiu  rally  complained  of  iu  letters  lo  tho  Timre, 

4  Tho  exorbitant  char(^ea  of  tbo  under  talc  crs  had  also  been  dis- 

0  cussed,   and   the   agitation   resalted  in  a  number  of  Cheap 

Funeral  estahlishmcnta. 

14  The     Needlowomen'B    Farewell.  —  Sidttev  ■  Herbert 

15  and  other  benevolent  people  projected  an  cmi^ation  achome, 
which  has  been  of  inestimable  value  to  thousands  of  poor 
workers. 

The  Protection  "  Bodge." — At  intervals  for  some  years 
a  D)aa,  accompanied  by  a  womau  and  children  neatly  but 
meanly  dressed,  has  i>erambulated  the  streets  of  London 
bawling:  aloud  an  address,  of  which  the  "  Bufiering  Land- 
lords "  is  a  political  paraphrase. 

Agriculture— the  Real  Unprotected  Female. — CoBDEtr 
and  DisUAELi. 

The  Herculea  Cheap  Paletot. — Public  attention  bad 
been  called  to  the  miserable  pittance  paid  by  tho  cheap  adver- 
tising tailors  to  their  work  women  and  men,  and  there  is  still 
reason  to  fear  that  the  same  system  of  "  sweating,"  as  it  is 
called,  prevails  at  this  time.     (1662.) 

Frightful  Case  of  Stitch  in  the  Side. — It  was  reported 
that  the  Mahqui!:)  ov  Westjiiikster  had  his  liveries  made  by 
one  of  the  cheap  tailors. 

Imposing  Poses.— Feaqqus  0*Conwou. 

Isle  of  Dogs  a  Penal  Settlement. — The  Isle  of  Dogs  is 
opposite  Greenwich  Hospital,  and  nuw  principally  occupied  by 
the  works  of  Messrs.  Silvkh,  the  celebrated  outfitters  and 
gutta-percha  manufacturers  of  Uishopegate  Street.  It  is  called 
Silvcrtown. 

Clerical  Oonundnun.—PROFESSOR  Keller  was  a  Qerman 
posture-master,  and  introduced  that  very  questionable  exhi- 
bition, the  *'  PoBcg  plastiqiU'S." 

The  Worst  of  Taxes. — It  is  gratifying  to  know  tliat 
Mr.  Cuarles  Kniqht  lives  to  profit  by  his  victory  over  the 
Kxdseman  (1862). 

Pro8i>ects  of  the  Tunnel. — The  Thames  Tunnel — and 
the  shareholders  we  fear  have  literally  sunk  their  money  in 
tlmt  undertaking. 

Mr.  Finigan'a  Lament  was  occasioned  by  the  rumour 
that  tho  ofiico  of  lyjrd  Lieutenant  of  Ireland  was  to  bo 
abolished. 

The  Grecian  Difficulty.     Sls  Introduction. 

A  Spider  of  Westminster  Hall.— Tho  beautiful  roof 
of  tbiti  Hall  is  made  of  oUustnut  wood,  but  is  generally  thought 
to  be  of  Irish  oak,  which  is  said  to  be  inimical  to  those  pri- 
mitive weavers — spiders. 

Knife  and  Fork  Exhibition  at  the  Ifansion  House, 
— Tho  Loud  MaY'ju  invited  all  the  provincial  Mayors  to  dine 
nt  tho  Manaion  House  preparatory  to  the  Great  Exhibition 
of  1851, 

The  Coming  Animal  is  still  iu  good  health  and  spirits 
at  the  Itoyai  Zoological  Gardens  (1662}. 


24 


35 


38 


39 

42 
48 


48 


110 


113 


115 
119 


123 


Hi 


r*«s 

167 


Street  Luxury. — Gofres  are  (or  were,  for  they  have  dis- 
appeared from  the  streets  of  Ijondon]  large  thin  cakes  made 
of  batter. 

A   Juvenile    Teacher   on  Education. — ^Tbe  initial  W  ITS 
has  attached  to  it  a  machine  called  a  Baby  Jumper.     It  was 
an  American  invention  to  supersede  nursing  in  the  ordinary 
way,  and  found  little  patronage  from  English  mothers. 

The  Whipper-in*s  liament.— William  JIolmes,  Eao.,  172 
M.P. — or  Billy  Doluzs,  as  be  was  more  generally  called, 
was  long  the  Tory  whipper-in  of  the  House  of  Commons,  and 
was  saooeeded  by  Lord  Marcus  Hill.    Mr.  Bram)  now  dis- 
charges that  responsible  office  (1862). 

To    Unlicensed    Hawkers    of    Jokes.— Miss  Sellok.  177 
See  A  REHARKAitLE  MiSNouEn.  190 

TiTftTims   and  Despatches,   &c.— Mb.  Widpicoud   has  179 
been  frequently  referred  to  in  preceding  Volumes, 

Mr.  Bright  and  hia  Hill.— The  condition  of  tho  journey-  193 
men  Bakers  has  improved  very  little.     Poor  fellows  I  (18G2.) 

The  Political    "  Bouge   et  Noir**   refers  to  the  state  195 
of  France  in  18o0. 

Hemovals  and  Promotions. — CnowLER  was  a  noisy  pro-  196 
tecliouifit  farmer.     Cui'fet  was  a  violent  Chartist  shoemaker. 

Besignation  of  Soyer.— Alexis  Soter  was  a  noted  man  204 
in  his  day,  and  pubUshcd  many  works  upon  Cookery.     Ho  was 
a  good-natured  fellow  and  rather  a  harmless  charlatan. 

The    Barley-corn    Plot. — Chowleb   and  other   "  Pro-  206 
tectiooists  "    had   been   making  very  violent  speeohes.     The 
BuKE  OF  KicuHOXD,  as  leader  of  tho  party,  is  included  in 
tho  group. 

The   Botany  Bay  for  Artists.— The  Octagon  room  was  208 
a  dark  nook  in  the  National  Gallery,  and  formed  a  limha  tot  a 
few  pictures  at  the  Exhibition  of  the  Koyal  Academy.    It 
exists  no  longer. 

The  Wofle  New  Ballad ,  &c.— Mr.  Gildert  A'Becxett,  209 
one  of  the  Metropolitan  Magistrates,  has  been  mentioned  in  the 
Notes  to  a  former  Volume. 

Palmerston  the  Mischievous  Boy.—LoRD  PaLicsssTOV^lTy 
was  said  at  this  time  to  be  embroiling  Franco  and  England.        ~  " 
SCr.  Archer  Ferrand  wus  a  rabid  Protectionist  and  U.P.  219 
The   Greatest   British  Subject.— Doy  Pacipico.  220 

Field  ISTarshal  Punch  on    Epsom   Downs,  &c.— is  a  230 
parody  on  tho  celebrated  picture  of  tbo   Dcke  of  Weluho- 
TON  and  the  Marchioness  ok  Doouo  viaiting  Waterloo. 

News  for  the  Horse  Uarines.— The  Hippopotamos  on  242 
its  first  arrival  in  England  became  the  ragc^  and  so  oontinned 
for  an  entire  London  Season. 
Master    Jonathan    tries    to   Smoke    a    Cuba. —  See  243 

An  Author's  Cry  of  Agony.— Printers'  messengers  ore  246 
called  printer's  devils,  from  thtir  "inky  cloaks." 

Carrying    Coals    to  Newcastle.— When  tho  Nepaulese  346 
Prinoca  visited  England,  a  burlesque  called  the  ItUmd  c/ 
Jewels  wfts  playing  at  the  Olympic  Theatre, 


mms 


w 


mn. 


fim 


(loM,   tMit 

(.vlliui;  t«  ifif  VtlUt  It. 

CALIFORMAN  MEASURES. 
On*  loA  ■!?«■  »  0am  tU  tok«Bu 

iflcilnlBs       *- TvvlMbaofilDvtokiillL 
«  Om  IdOUd  IrflM : 


OMtHiflTiuniBs 


I»l  iserutUT  imi-i.iGPirrK.-  Ttirre  will  be  rWMp  fre- 

.,   .     -  ■      ■    -   T^    ,,:.'    ^v    :----,,   --       ,    ,^ 

!  .ir 

111* 
».■ 

'■■•  <<  ^--1  i':  i.vcK.*. — On  Ui«  Kill  of  fulinwr?  gim 
^'  -.:■.-.'  •>•  |M  .1  liolhUjr;  fur,on1lilji4My.  UK!ft»Uiarei1 
ill    '.  ;  >:r     rii  ihiit  (be  t<u«du;nviU  Dii(  l»  ftb1»  totUstniy 

n  ''  ■-,'•   '  ■  ■   ' 

Si-  '  t'lifcir 'fiRR,— T>>'th!ngln  EnslnpiirArrit-f  m 
mucli  "  '  tltv  vcryftMofliao «  nMxuiMbc. 

Soi  ■  .  V- — Amciiig  tli«  Fclliurd  Tiir  t^e  yr«r 

16&0  >u    t-  •- •  ^niit  u  iiullco  ibo   lotAl    £rllpM  u{ 

tk*  Siiu,  vblcii  cNKim  everj  d*y  In  Ilia  Vernon  (•■Ulery, 


"Diu  run  WABT  Tax  iiooft  ffwcrr,  MiKH)** 


QBEOIKAL  DIRECTIONS  FOB     RAILWAY 
TR  \VJ:M.r.H8. 

To  «i««rtito  It  a«  0« 
,  r«D  mtmt  ga  to  flwy 


"f^Srssr*. 


^y  rlih  *  Kuoil«y,"  -M  fiii lit  it  ttr 


l$ii->i:;y»  ~Xvl  alloWod,  from  ohriatia  tnoUrM;  eSMptlo 
the  lucoiuativM  KUd  tbH  i|lt<l->M>SM, 

ttA:i.\riT   Rrr.Y  \m- Are  |t«ia«t»llf   Miilr  fiwn  i—if«n 

t-trnln.  A  Mirk  U  kMrt  fbr  ««BflUl«B^ 

very   Mitfurfl   c<*   <*«(    1x4  MBAta 

1  !>•  ti«fl  t4liarff«  lalnl  ywi  Ma  ■■•  h  to 

I  -li»re. 


Tirt  Yorifn  Cpcboo  4  CairKrTni.~F«K*  fur  Um  (44 
CiiekoQ  Uyi  hor  «sii  In  Uw  bvd«w-«P*n«*''  ifsl.  Unt  Uk* 
viMiii^  iitic,  «wu  after  U  U  hUelkwl,  bowU  11m  yonnis  bvifi*- 

,..  ._  -.,;. ..    ,,,^  ,^  ,^^  «Byr  ftt  ilM 


Mui  •  burre)  at  ojwtmw  to  prv 


&' 


MEMS.  FOn  PAYEB8  OF  ASSESSED  TAXES. 
Tax  or  BL>Tcmu'  Uouse*.— Always  h«f  Inf  to  Ui*t  Mi  mOcfl  nn  hoar,  unA  to  go  lupl««l 
ovsr  the  itonoi. 

I   ■lug  to  drag  A  lwur-irh««l«tl  tUalite, 


0*  UoBASS  s<n   < 
wUli  a  stout  pont^  t 

Oir  CAUiiAnx^.— I 
toAf  used  on  • 
alxiccti  mIiIIu 

Oir  Saavv:-' 
bivaluffn,  U*r,  .r  !>■■  > 

Fua  IVRKV  Waitir 
lob* looked  ni^di  a»  A  . 


r..   (ui'l   U»«   UJC  on  "iTvrry  iwli1)ti<iitit] 

.'..,  tt-'i  i<n<l  It '.  t  IX  imvnUa  una  HauuinnJuUli  'busi,  wVtii 

-r«  In  jMvy  for  tine,  Cir  If.— 21.1).  Thi«  docs  tmt    Uictu<lo 

<^'  n. 

Ik  I  T*^  Ti:v  lie  ]'  vTi>k>.-<tou«K  — <hiit  [<«nny  |wr  lutnl,  U  rfin  vMi 

;  f*a.\\  jv-T  l'-<-.-  l••t•i''''"^  l/y'i'i  aUlt  i>i1iect)iut«I>'rT<4  k;;>'nilttiuttii. 


rlii4lac  M«  sfka  Ihn*  poltMaw  vol  silsto  am 


To  FisDTHi  Vau.'x  or  *  '■   - - 
tlii<  k.ltchr<n  aliitf  ftiit)trBC(  M 
ari.>«,  anil  lUa  quitLl«>nl  will  I.> 

To  Fiaro  Tini  ViLra  or  *  I'uv  ■  .    ;     ,        ; 

To  FiKp  ni«  Vxt-ua  ot  Tiuk. 

To  FiyD  TUB  VkLvm  at  E*D  Ufi  ,  -        .    -     \^  .4--  -i.^  -  -   -.— .  -  .^t-  „.  . 

Tn  Fivn  ntv  Vau-v  or  pATiBsta.—CoiuilK  BaanouWi  &MUf  ■•  aHartalji  tUi  Ujm  m 
ALiriliiu  u/a  ILtilwAy  Train. 

MK  orr  iir  rBB»|i4«r.-T1i''  wfll  tM»tw«>n  PprliiK  n4  Wlirtar  wni  Uh«  iOms 
i-pi[M.<tcd  iMt  utJ  $iuf«y  Mftlatitiw  [liny  ;  Imii  tlit  lM<1i  antoti  iuorw«ii  Uia 


DOMESTIC     SANITARY     REGULATIONS. 


tniVHPIILV. 


JJJ 


)^J 


iGJ 


p 


h' 


-^o 


1^ 


B 


\\ 


MIDSUMMER'^    BIRTH-DA^. 

THE  world  m»y  amSvlf  r«Ic<in  ap^n  my  birth  on  th«  24th  of  Juna.  Thii  yew 
I  prop^MC  to  enjoy  tnyMlf— to  make  up  for  Uio  plnehlBKB  that  my  elder 
brvtbera,  Mjwturs  MiMtmuM  Kuutt-Eioht  &nd  Fi>kTV-NuiB— (poorf«Uevll>— 
(nflhJed  Kt  iba  handi  of  meu ;  bfiTing  nuwherv  lo  rpcrenlr,  m.tid  no  int)vtry  to  nim^imI. 
TbeniAjra^  gentle  friend,  expect  tat,  ODtheSltli,  Id  look  in  %t  your  winduw—whirS 
pny  leikTe  open -with  t  jrriuiotu  imllf,  knd  r  daliriotiu  whitfof  (Icvteni.    I  nhAri 

\^X  ))■  ftwKT  to  Corent  Gardtio,  and  cciosidcr  ttic  pnia  In  tlicirtiwcctncMi,  llio 
alnnrberrica  tnUMtrKlftfT.  Let  lu  pluck  our  n>4«!i  whiU^  «u  may;  pnt  oiirwiilii'ltait 
wbliti  we  have  health  and  itxviiirth  ;  and  quslT  our  tuutl««t  glaaa  of  liwck  n  l(h  iJiu 
pleaaant  Iwnr  a*  It  paasea.  Aod  ao  wander  with  the  wUe  of  your  1>OM>ru,  ur  tlio 
wife  that  U  to  be,  itpplnc  from  flower  to  flower,  and  Im  the  lea  at  tiKAiwoia's  the 
only  ooldiMHM  that  ahall  ever  come  between  ye.  Aitd  a«  Crab  la  tJio  sodlacal 
mnliiB  of  my  Urth,  ao  do  proper  botuagB  to  Die  atgn,  by  eacriflctng  to  a  Lutiktrr  At 
UM  mipper  hearth.  Atuf  then  oomo  vlih  MtuiuiuiB  Into  hia  Kvlda,  and  take 
pleaiure  and  gather  wtadom  from  what  MiuKtnima  there  halh  done  for  you.  Lleivo 
to  ttiH  cuckoo,  and  take  tieed  how  you  Ho  nought  but  talk  of  youmelf;  behold  ihc 
Kraishopper,  bow  merrily  bo  einge  and  vaults,  bccauae  he  baa  no  tbick  bloiMl  la 
him.  8ce  the  mtllloDa  of  flowen  Uiat  etnll*  upon  yoa,  and-dropptiiit  *>»  a 
hnrcock,  a  thmriB  fur  A r-riM.O - cuuHider  what  a  Iwaulifnl  world  le  above  yuli, 
*nrl  About  yau  ;  and  take  hticd  you  do  your  btat  to  be  worthy  of  tbe  gtwdiiea*  that 
atwoudJ  in  it,  and  le  heaped  (u  iM  ]iliie4>fl." 


crRsocioirs  to  uakb  a  will. 

Take   a    light   dinner,  with  three- 

fotirthi  of  a  twttle  of  eo>to<1  pcnlal  port 

to  opau  the  pora  of  the  htfurt.     t'nl  nil 

I  our  tninxialtles  off  with  a  ihillinx. 
f,  tiowever,  yoa  have  a  dexltfn  Kcaiiut 
the  anlat  who  paiatod  ynar  tKirtndt. 
you  wlU  bequeath  it  tr*  Uia  National 
OftUcry.  To  insure  society  tn  your 
widow,  only  leara  her  your  fortune  on 
axpreaa  oonditlun  that  aba  nuurtea 
ajpiin.  After  thlt,  ahould  dM  preftv 
poverty,  tbe  oompllmenc  will  b«  dmiUf 
Taluable.  Should  yon  hare  a  grndge 
agaiiiat  any  particular  pariah,  leare  a 
icic  of  mutton  and  ulaalngi  to  bt 
mtiff  lor  throe  times  a  Wttok  at  ail  Ibe 
churrhcA.— N.B.  If  yon  make  your  will 
your«.'H.  malLe  i(  ehort  and  atral»;)it- 
f>.'rwn.i-iJ,Hko  the  wnrdion  a  Anger-pusL 
Lhin't  liultAlv  If)*!!!  pliraaeolo^.  Vou 
uin't  ^o  ill  a  nnintlabuut,  like  Ute  li\W> 
ycr«,  witlumt  meaning  lomothing— and 
the  something  may  ba  fiital. 

A    COIt.    VOK   TBI    CORrOltlTION. 

Why  are  the  Corporation,  opponenta 
of  Bathi  and  Waahnoosoa,  InoDnalsteut 
with  Ibemeelvoe?  DiscauM,  tbouch 
tliey  an  not  Bath  chape,  they  are 
pl^^iaaded. 


DAKOBBOna   DBAUHOS. 
A  Smithftdd  barMln  In  neomurtiy 
a  gambling  truuaeiToa.  floee  It  alwajri 
involve*  riakinif  tbe  ebanoe  of  a  toea-iip, 

1   OHAHQE   rOX   THB   WOESB. 
SmitbAeld,  oneo   celebrated   for   the 
firmneMa  q'  ItJi  Martym,  la  now  euoally 
renowned  fwribaobatinacy  of  ita  Caltlo- 
mart^rs. 

UOW  TO  HAKB  TBIXOS  PLKABAJI3 
IK    XH    OMKIBC8. 

Take  a  bull-dog  la  with  yon ;  or  a 
eouple  of  bitblca ',  or  produm  a  piiitui, 
and  quietly  cock  It ;  or  take  the  Hit* 
and  Cry  out  of  yonr  pocket,  and  ae  you 
reail  It,  look  moat  Intrntly  at  the  ica- 
turc-i  nfeTory  perwn  In  tboomnlbui. 

jIm  O'jvitnu  TVuijm. — If  there  ware  no 
beaaLt  there  wouid  be  no  SwItUfivld. 

JVay  Kni.  t^uakert  iwtrm  in  th* 
Jfrtrc7>o;w.— The  beadle  of  Kxeter-llali 
i«  mltuken  by  ArcadlMUH  for  Um  Lord 
Mayor  of  Uooaon. 

Clhapatferufjet  n/  a  yoMenAa.— The 
eteyanofl  of  hla  carrlaco,  and  tbe  lofU- 
neac  of  bU  gikte. 

Pupplca  and  white  kida. 


t^. 


ft  -V 


■Up 


{k 


:^ 


O 


*Ui 


1!^ 


Hfr.D  WMTsn   i)TW7«*«o».— U  tha  Weather  OttM  t^nnKod  to  0(nraimin«nl«   whom 
oaghi  («OEo  Jo««  IbriMKtj.  ia  ap|Mlal  fur  Its  dlreewrt    Fatum*  MA-rnnw,  tv  kiwp  tko 


Advicb  to  Sro^mui.  — Tbe  luifnrltad  RUMt.  vIm  **  dim  In  "  tbc  tlitrf  iiw»  bi  < 
make  up  bU  mind  tii  ih«  fi'1k)«tnf  oMtubroDW  ;  0mC  flHtMT  tlte  miatniM  of  Ibi 
ItlniMlf,  ti  ran  to  bo  jntt  mi,  uid  pvriuip*  both. 


trneUorui  AtTorded 
by  Londoa  t»n»cni- 
try  Ttil!<»r<  w«i  for- 
merly ihd  mpiift- 
garla     nt     Kzulor 

loiiK  Ikoti  iona 
sway  with  ;  hut 
thflM  wtin  llk)> 
vUd-bciut  alioirt 
may  <U1I  ro  aaiI 
ttriir  tlio  II  vo  |K>iitt 
pr*r  At  tlio  NV 
PoMry  iUatliis 
•t  kxetar  Uftlf. 

ntiouA  rnn  rou- 

Wliy  Is  A  (tIkh 
of  K'Mxl  Port  ltk« 
K  I*riiti'cUunl»e 
pnrty  ?  IkcAiiaoU 
huft  bMlywlthoat 
a  be«d. 


THE    HONEYMOON. 


inB    ETKras    or 
TW«  fn«i.iov. 
AVhitc-bait   DoW 

nttko  tbfllrRpprar- 
KnM>  at  Oraenvlcb 
and  Block wiJI. 

KATV&ii.  nirroRT 

TIm  A<miI  ihftt 
bus  providenulr 
b«(ipfJ  tosQtlxir 
bcr  tiivm  fur  itin 
vtntffr  will  rcf«y 
Ktlcntlun. 

nnrocrrt  Twnif. 
linns  besf. 

Wben  U  «  ntll- 
w»y  trvln  Itko  • 
farco  »t  tlwi  Ad«1- 
plil?  WhfnU'fftU 
rlfbt  (Wuaar). 


AuauaTU9  HAKu  rsv  TiA  roa  Tn  rntsr  mowo  or  mi  lAUtuaa. 


TO  KAa«  rinuna 
An        lithUlbU 

..1-,.      f,,        .-..Mlm 
U 

..      ■  V     Mt 

hiiMHo  vti  um  Dar- 
by niBT. 

VAnica     ur    Kvt^ 

I  kVK,        AHtWKB 

ir  tftA  mn  la  • 
vn>ir'b  vbA  Mil 
fill  ii->t<>Y  «trRlntt 0 
^■.  ■  fi'j-| 

ll>  -tin 


"SUX'i   loci 

Itinrwlli.tattn 
dlMtefff  of  dwktL 
liWQMdMW-nisi- 


■f  wLuti  u  markeA 
MB  tiek«t<»lgli^ 
U  wh>t  Qvy  omO 
IbMir  "eodo  of  »- 

tl^untta." 

vnv  rsifT  09 
nciftv. 

Tbo  flovan  fa 
Joiw.  Wot  111 
UMtlfFkUMMHoara, 
afliml  tbo  «p*  * 
na^utcsal  blow- 

Mnir    TVry    ^ 

—Tha    SliT    ud 


IM  UW^IIM  iiVi  41  WPUWII  PiRIL 


^Jtr^£ 


BOW  TO  KAKE  UFC  BMIKEKTLT  DI5A0&S&ABLE. 
(0V  a  iimiv  wfarfrf  JTcrrwl  HVmm). 

H 11 J  ftiM  Mbrvbaad.  Aj  thisci  are  nun  (a  turn  out  dlflfennllT-  Trocn 
_  >d, Otb  wtilteilUAriM  jQu  wllii dlMVpot 
n|Hn  turtittilu  l«i  ■  inliliiiinnr.inilin  taJnUwapportmiltrof  FwlDKlum 
_  JB  «<M]i  hftv*  tam  If  KtiMiMiig  had  been  ilooo  iIhU  ham't 

nmm0nwtr  la  iri0«a^  ••  tiicire  U  no  njing  hov  iocn  you  mft^  bt  Mllcd  upon  la  give 
«*v  Ik  MMton  m  Bora  inparuna. 
A  miflj  ■»  T  lAlk«>rhvr  t^rmabi,  tiDtsbonld  iwrnrloirwr  httrwl/ «o  nu- «•  to  talk  fotlimi. 
Xercr  Ansi  fhr  yvur  hu«b«£ul,  whldli  vUl  ttach  him  La  tjUuc  yuu  fur  70UI-  gift«  dF  lailult 
aei.  T'nir  *Urv:u<iiu  o^  ["^r-fio. 

fir  A(lKt[fin<<.  tut  itiftTO  ts  no  tmyiag  hnw  noB  Ibey  mtj  mttar, 
1.:  !  hfnot  iiitoiiBi^UncT, 

.  lu  1j  I  )  ..K.I    <r  bf?  VUl  in  Ubm  ocHBO  Id  look  on  )  u  hotue  u  • 
Club,  u  l>t;ru  aU  b  Ci^ulti  I  un  .  '' :. 

BiorTntiurr  ta  8fiuh<}.— TU<  Irr  vrltl  ncnr  nltmi  n  Ihit  tke  inc*dowi,  unn  th« 

Tenwl  ihownn,  utt  iwlonied    •tau  ..i<   Ln.M.tf  ulm  or  txM^inlWt  l>uUuo;  iad  wiU  wLdi  li*  «4lM 
■■7  tlM  mow  m  hb  slilru  wbon  thry  ixiRiu  bntiio  frapi  tW  tt«th. 


TTPOGHApmcAL  rv 

Lmct  year  «  Kvero  slMck  of  to  tArtlnioako  wu  t 


I  uiiuii  u    iiuniiiiiiiuii    I  uii  ^ 


hwdkL  Homv— Wbea  yoor  Uwycr  tctbi  yon  ttut  toq  i»n  mnlnuln  nn  irtton,  1m 

frmoently  baa  no  rrfhrr  lUiJect  than  th&t  you  •liould  Ajulat  in  r.  .  i    m. 

Under  the  RejclstrftlloQ  Aet,Uli  doI  DCoettuy  toregUlerk  l^erUi  ur< :  ,t. 

IitRqcAUTT  OP  Taxbi.    Th«  dnty  on  a  pMk  of  hontHU  ta  Um  :a, 
but  CIO  ■  pick  oTimrdi  II  is  only  dchtMn-peoeB. 


To  FniD  TBI  Tim  or  Pnnu^F. 
•nil   if  jnn  ftlli  'I 
wtH  n«Tcr  rm.l 
b  kppl   up  Willi  . 
exjul  baar  of  saiiriv*. 


'Tttt  itineof(T]nri^i<iI^ppnilB  utviu  the  UttCuile. 

Utitiwl^  in   t\   h  ,      .    tuU 

it  all.     A  *■  ing 

■,  will  he  iiic"ri  .     ...  (bo 


III 


'MP  MASS  Mn|i  OJ  qaipi  ■  tiip  •lai  ^^      aipMNi  Xjsa*  uo  oXb  di*i|f  «  Bavq  u) 


•£in«nb 
fo  HMUV  Aig  «  i{}^  {mtiuAap  ptni  'j«}«jt  ju  miil  «  9iu\  Xipidoj  tLHuitj)  'JKJfnijo 


OUR  FEMALE   SUPERNlJMERAItlES.     IN  A  SERIES  OF  VIEWS. 


THE  COMMERCIAL  VIEW.— The  muslin  home-mu-ket  is  in  a  staf  e 
■■■  of  cxtrcwedcpreMion.  The  supply  grefttly  exceeds  the  denwnd,  and 
the  hrliclt;  is  a  uiere  drug.  Haud»  cui  scarcely  oonunaud  a  purchaser, 
iDd  the  liKiuiries  for  hearts  are  very  few.  Sempstreasec  are  ({uoted  at 
lanienUbly  reduced  figures,  and  domestic  tervattU,  at  no  time  parti- 
cularl/  brisk,  are  now  duller  than  cTcr.  The  colonial  trade  in  this 
descnptionof  goods,  however,  is  still  lively,  tbcy  b^ing  especially  in 
request  in  AusTralia,  whither  some  shipmenls  of  i\\tm  have  been 
already  coniigrned ;  and  if  is  to  be  hoped  that  every  facility  wiil  be  given 
to  their  coDtmued  eiportafton. 

Taa  CrsiCAt  View,— Wherever  there  is  misohief,  women  are  sure 
to  be  at  the  bottom  f>f  it.  'i'he  state  of  the  country  hears  out  Ibis  old 
saying.  All  our  difficulties  arise  from  a  supei abundance  of  females. 
The  cmlr  remedy  for  this  evil  is  to  pack  up  bi^  and  baggage,  aitd  start 
them  away. 

The  A.LABMWT  View. — If  the  surplus  female  population  with  which 
we  are  overrun  increases  much  more,  we  shall  be  eaten  up  with  women. 
What  used  to  be  our  better  half  will  soon  become  our  worse  nine-tenths; 
a  numerical  mojorit-y  which  it  will  be  vain  to  contend  with,  and  which 
will  rednce  our  free  and  glorious  constitution  to  that  most  degrading 
o(  all  deapotismt,  a  petticoat  government. 


Thb  Domestic  Vibtt.— The  daughters  of  England  sre  ♦oo  numerous, 
and  if  their  Motlier  cannot  otberwiae  get  them  off  her  hands,  she  muat 
send  them  abroad  into  the  world. 

The  Scholastic  View. — The  country  is  fail  losing  its  masculine 
chariicter.  and  brooming  daily  more  feminine.  Measures  must  be  UUten 
for  restoring  the  balance  of  gender,  or  them  will  soon  be  no  such  pro- 
perty a*  propria  qtue  marUmn  in  Grpat  Britain,  and  not  a  a'iver  shail  wo 
uare  to  bless  ourselves  with  of  «•«  itproMHii. 

The  NiTURxuai's  View.— On  the  Cockney  Sportsman's  game-list 
there  is  a  li'ile  bird  callid  commonlv  the  chaffinch;  by  Hal»lp^hire 
you»h,  tlie  chink  ;  and  hv  T,inv.€L's,  FnHgilla  atiebs.  Liknjeus  was  «, 
Swede,  and  called  tlic  chafliuch  arfedt,  bi  caisr  in  Swr-lcn  and  other 
northern  countries,  in  winter,  ihe  females  nii,^rate,  and  leave  the  malea 
bachelors.  It  is  to  be  wished  tha*  our  own  redundant  females  were  far 
enough  north  to  take  wing,  like  the  hen  ohriffiuch. 

Our  own  View.- It  is  lamentable  that  thousands  of  poor  girls 
should  starve  here  upon  slops  workuig  for  slopsellers,  and  only  not 
dying  old  maid3  because  dving  young^  when  stalwart  mates  and  sohd 
meals  might  he  found  for  all  in  Australia.  Doubtless,  they  would  flv  as 
fast  as  the  Swedish  ben-chaffinches— if  only  they  had  the  means  of  flying. 
It  remains  with  the  Government  and  the  country  to  find  them  wings. 


e 


A  Oloriouft  Beaolv«. 

An  important  resolution  has  just  been  come  to  by  the  Corporation  of 
Bocheater,  whose  members,  we  are  told  by  the  public  press,  have 
"determined  to  wear  appropriate  costume  on  all  fu'ure  public  occa- 
sions," There  mas^  be  some  very  determined  characters  among  the 
Corporation  of  Rochester,  for  it  requires  no  little  determination  in 
these  daya  to  resume  the  ma»quer;ide  dresses  of  a  Mayor  and  Alderman, 
alter  it  has  once  been  aitreed  to  abandon  them.  It  is  rare,  indeed,  that 
we  ftod  persons  desiroiu  of  hugging  their  oludns,  even  though  they  be 
of  an  Aldermanic  oharaeier. 


The  SignHy  of  OoaL 

The  Nmo  fork  Snquirer  says  of  Iho  "  Negro  Emperor,"  that  **  hii 
colour  is  the  most  thorough  ooal-bUck."  Cau  this  personage  be  iden- 
tical with  our  ancient  friend,  Kms  CoalF  If  so,  we  hope  His  Majesty 

will  keep  up  his  famous  ounccrrts  with  renewed  spirit,  and  that  the 
merry  oid  soul,  with  his  fiddlers  and  trumpeters,  wdl  be  merrier  than 
ever,  now  Ihit  lie  has  been  promoted  to  be  Emperor.  Coal  will  mak( 
as  good  an  EDipcror.  no  doub',  as  anvbody.  in  the  fnoe  uf  his  coit 
plexion  :  and,  notwithstanding  the  ootd  weather,  we  r^oice  i^t  this  ri 
of  Coal. 


Vol.  XVj 


^&S*~*»KVv 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


TRAPS  AND  RATTLE  TRAPS. 

Ton  nraai  be  lomethinic  quite  Hindooiih  in  tbe  eonstitntion  of  thf 
British  fenuMe  of  our  own  oaf,  for  in  tpile  of  ererr  wanung  sbe  u 
eontionftllx  nuhtDf  to  the  alftrmiag  Mcribce.  Directly  a  lioen-dnper 
rftisee  the  ftUrm,  and  intinutes  to  tbe  public  an  exteoeiTe  emuh  or 
CTMh,  the  British  female  mns  forward  to  beimaabed  or  eraahed,  as  tbe 
ease  mar  be,  and  to  implicate  herself  in  the  meshes  of  tome  ruinous  and 
trcmeodous  failure.  The  Lineodraperr  Juggernaut  has  an  unintemtpted 
stream  ot  female  rieiims  throwing  tfaemselTes  constantly  beneath  it, 
•ad  we  can  scarce!/  pitj  thm,  when,  having  Toluntarilf  placed  them- 
selves in  the  power  of  the  victimiser,  they  flad  tbeir  ntreat  mdelf  cot 
off,  and  their  eaoaipt  impossible. 

All  sorU  of 
eipedients  are 
BOW  adopted  to 
prevent  tbe  de* 
parture  of  a  fair 
oaptive,  who  Um 
onoe4)ecn  tempt- 
ed  within  the 
cheap  linen-dra- 
pery  estabUsh- 
ment,  to  which 
the  cave  of  the 
fortv  thieves  af- 
foroii  a  fit  com- 
panion. Steps 
•re  drawn  across 
the  door  to  bar 
lier  egress,  and 
•n  unrestricted 
opening  of  rhe 
purse  IS  tbe  onlr 
'^OpnnSe.ame'^ 
which  will  set 
her  again  at  lib- 
erty. We  begin 
to  see  the  dnft 
of  those  remark- 
•bteoontrirances 
for  shutting  up 
•  shop  entnuice 
by  means  of  a 
■ort    of     blind 


«  OUR  WASHERWOMAN ! "  I 

[The  interests  of  society  denMmd  the  insertica  of  the  sufafoined 

letter]. 

"Oe.ME.PinrcH! 

"Talk  of  undertakers'  char^!  T^  of  butchers'  aad 
bakers'  bills !  WeU— Christmas  is  the  tune  for  making  a  tcMlo  about 
them,  certainly.  But  of  all  the  expense  and  ruinatum  to  families, 
there's  nothing  comes  near  tbe  wickedness  then  is  in  washing.  Here, 
I  came  up  a  month  ago,  next  Wednesday,  to  keep  house  for  AuouavM, 
who  I  ho^  and  tmst  will  succeed  in  his  professicm,  end  in  his  poor 
Uncle's  tune,  when  he  lived  in  tbe  Cottage^  hnving  none  of  our  own. 
we  oonsideFed  him  ••  sudi,  and  used  to  wash  him  im  the  country.  I 
know  he  '11  never  forget  his  poor  Aunt,  and  how  nice  his  thinga  used 
to,  be  sent  him,  witoont  speck  or  spot,  as  white  and  as  sweet  aa 
lilies,  without  a  rumple  or  a  crease,  and  not  a  button  off  any  of  then. 
80.  when  I  got  here,  I  toc^  end  looked  over  his  Unen|  when  k^  end 
behold  yon,  it  was  all  shrids  and  fribbitL  the  pleats  of  toe  shirt-fronts 
slit  all  up,  tbe  gussets  unripped,  the  backs  all  in  holes,  and  the  rest  aa 
rotten  as  a  pear :  and  his  sheets  the  sameL  and  his  mght-gowBL  nd 
nigbi-csps,  and  nis  doileys,  fit  for  nothing  but  to  make  tinder  o^  and 
that  is  no  use  now  they  nave  thoae  dangerous  oongreves.  His  best  silk 
handkerchiefs  I  bought  myself,  end  gave  five  shillmn  a-piece  for,  worn 
to  rags,  worse  than  (Ad  dusters ;  his  drawers  and  under-waisteoala, 
fine  merino,  patched  all  over  with  caHoo,  and  bis  poor  toea  coming 
through  his  socks.  'Gracious  goodness!  Auovstvs,'  I  said,  'how 
yon  lave  been  wearing  ont_your  things.'  '  Well,'  he  says,  '  Aunt,  I 
don't  know  how  it  is.'  'Well,'  said  J,  'it's  verr  strange.'  But  I 
soon  found  out  the  reason.  Not  more  than  twice  nad  I  sent  my  own 
things  to  the  wash,  when  home  Uiey  came;  my  frilU  that  I  had  only 

shimmyxetts, 

Scandalous  I 

and  sixpencft> 

halfpenny,  ifa  farthing ;  and  all  my  nice  things  spoiled.    Abominable  1 
You  may  suppose  I  gave  our  Washenrofnan  a  pretty  talking  to;  but 


what  do  you  think  1  foimd  out  f    I  said  to  her  *  *  *  JWt  mt  mnder 

ike   neeettitjf  qf  tligktlp  ewtaiUng  (he  eonvertatiom.—ED,']    •    •    * 

and  she  said  •    •    •    *   and  then  wiys  Jawe  •    •    *  and  so*    •    * 

Ay D I  romro  it  was  au.  bxcaosb  thet  use  Bleachdio  Powdek  ! 

Xett  Mr,  Fimek :  that  is  what  the  nasty  Usy  old  creatures  do  to 

save  trouble.    Tbey  might  as  well  steep  thin^  in  vittril,  or  put  them 

into  the  fire  to  be  cleaned,  as  I  have  heard  u  done  with  clothes  made 

out  of  asbbestis.    This  is  now  my  beautiful  mnrons,  every  one,  and  aU 

Augustus's  table-cloths,  and  each  hit  of  under-clothing  we  have  either 

r<«».^  *r  I       z         . .  ,  ,   .  of  ^  BO**  li*'«  •!!  bemi  mined.    Besides,  the  bleaching  only  whitens 

lorroea  Of  Iron  bars,  which,  upon  betoif  let  down,  would  at  once  convert '  the  dirt-  doesn't  get  it  out,  so  it  is  natty  as  well  as  destructive.    I 

:.TSii  .Y?  _"*""**"r  ^°*o.  »  tr*P»  ?i  **>»<!>•  ^*»«  .customer  remains  caged  i  have  no  patience  with  those  good-for-nothing  washerwomen  that  eat  up 

our  clothes,  worse  than  moths,  in  this  way;  it  is  ftsin.  There  is  quite 
waste  eoongb  in  every  honse  without  that  Do,  |)ray,  Mr,  Pmks,  ti/ 
your  best  to  put  down  this  wicked  system  of  washing ;  and  the  save  it 
will  be,  and  the  distress  you  will  remove,  and  tbe  dreadful  scenes  of 
passion  and  scolding  that  you  will  prevent,  there  is  no  saying.  Do,  Sir, 
and  1  am  sure  X  shall  ever  be, 

"  Your  thankful  Reader, 

"Sabah  Tsimxee." 


until  the  ransom  is  paid  under  the  nominal  guise  of  purchases. 

We  recommend  the  British  female  to  avoid  every  puffing  concern 

Where  th^e  onsonlike  arranwrnents  are  in  use,  or  she  may  find  her- 

ifiwd        ■•""'  **"  **'*  ^°^^  •**•  submits  to  be  alarmingly 


THUEE  BUTCnERS'  BRIDE 

A  Ladt,  residing  in  Aldgate,  writes  •  letter  to  the  Timei  in  defence 
of  the  high  oh*rces  of  butchers,  on  the  plea  of  the  hardsbips  endured 
by  that  class  of  persons.  "  I  have  been,"  says  this  good  lady,  "a 
butcher's  wife  on  and  off  for  the  last  26  years"— a  piece  of  information 
which  she  explains  by  stating :  — 

''  I  lun  had  thne  hail)*n4i  all  batehan,  and  07  laat  dlad  odIj  iU  montha  afio." 

NevrrthelesSf  sbe  asks 

"  ?.l**  *?""  "y  *^T  enatoimri  Ilka  thalr  htubandii  to  eona  to  bad  at  1  ^Cleek, 
smallljir  of  bMf  or  naiton  mal,  and  othar  thliifa  too  dalloata  to  nantlon  t " 

Considering  that  the  worthy  widow  has  had  a  threefold  experience 
of  such  bnshands,  we  must  say  she  appears  to  have  been  singnlariv 
wedded  to  butohen. 


Tho  Xxperimtnt  of  Xtodging^Bouios. 

PuHCn  halls  with  all  bis  heart  the  opening  of  the  lodging-house  for 
m  single  men  m  Spitalflelds.  He  sincerely  hopes  that  the  success  of 
the  establishment,  at  reguds  the  single,  will  lead  to  iU  wider  appli- 
eat^  to  the  married.  He  supposes  it  wu  tried  on  first  wHh  the 
baehelort--whom  oertemly  it  has  proved  to  fit-^  aooordaaoe  with  the 
masim— "  ^0/  •tptrmtJm  im  eorpon  vUL" 


Otm  Stzvimr'oTK  or  Mmat.— Just  to  show  how  impartially  we 
Mm  view  either  side  of  •question,  we  will  Murtbikt  ia  the  ense  ofBtnx 
MTfM  BuTcniL  Hi.  Bull  is  acting  very  like  iStr^oo^-deterrnhMd  to 
have  his  pound  of  flesh  for  hu  money. 


DEPOSITS  rOR  THE  SINKING  FUND. 

We  present  Mb.  Diseaeu  with  the  following  small  deposits  for  his 
Sinking-Fund. 

Westminster  Bridn^  u^ich  looks  in  snob  a  very  weak  sfato  thai  we 
are  sure  it  is  gradually  sinking. 

The  new  fa^e  to  Buckingham  Falaci^  vhicb  has  sunk  the  remainder 
of  the  building  to  the  very  lowest  inai^ificance. 

M&.  Chaklbs  pHiLLirs's  Letter,  which  has  been  the  meant  of  sinking 
him  in  the  public  estimation. 

And  lastly,  Mk.  Disraeli's  speeches  on  apiricultnral  questions,  which 
we  are  sure  are  heavy  enough  to  sink  anythmg. 

The  above  are  sufficient  to  start  the  femous  Sinking  Fund,  for  at 
present  it  is  •  matter  of  such  very  little  account  that  we  doubt  if  there 
IS  any  foundation  for  it  nt  kli.  We  really  believe  the  Fund  in  question 
is  nothing  more  than  a  mere  Fund  of  Humour,  upon  whioL  Ms. 
DiSRAEU  draws  pretty  freely  as  often  as  he  wishes  to  nay  off  the  poor 
Protectionists. 

KidwintoT  Harreati 

Jx  tiio  oonrie  of  •  iuburbui  walk  last  Saturday,  in  oompany  wi&  an 
aaqnaintouMi,  we  passod  •  horso-pond,  out  <^  which  some  oonfeotionflr's 
men  were  loading  •  donkey-cart  with  ice.  On  our  obaerving  that  this 
was  a  wise  prepvation  for  ne&t  summer,  oar  oompanion,  aa  Iriah  geor 
tleman,  said  "ihat  it  oertainlr  was  makmg  hay  ia  fine  weather." 


PTjNCH.  or   the  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


OUR    LITTLE    BIRD. 


FB0PO8AL  rOB  A  VOVTnaVT  TO  TEX  ZATB  QUCEX  DOVAGEB. 

There  have  beeo  made  seTcral  prcv-osi'ioni  for  a  monument  of  aoroe 
kind  to  tell  to  future  fEcnerationa  the'  aboundiofr  goodness  of  the  late 
QuEEB  DoTAGER.  One  writer  prcposes  that  the  sum  of  a  hundred 
thousand  pounds  be  raisrd  in  Bub*orinlions  of  no  larger  anioant  iban 
haif-a-crown,  so  that  eight  huudred  luousaud  persona  nmv  have  a  tmall 
ebare^  astone  or  brick  in  the  cliarch,  to  be  called  Adelwdo  Church — 
an  edifice  thai  shall  make  memorable  the  piefy  of  the  departed  Indr. 

Another  kindly  projector  sujrjtesta  the  erection  of  a  Cmaa  only— a 
simple  Cross.  At  which  suepestion,  we  take  it,  Exeter  Hall  shakes  its 
atony  head,  and  glowers  with  becoming  scorn. 

Another  thinks  a  certain  number  of  Alms-houses,  in  which  poor 
gentlewomen  may  meekljr  wait  to  die,  would  in  a  manner,  sieniGcant 
as  tt«ful,  illustrate  the  active  virlues  of  the  noble  gcnllewoman 
who  has  made  to  gracious  an  end,  rebuking  nothing  save  the  rauiiies 
of  the  undertaker,  that  n>ight  follow  her;  and  which,  indeed,  were  not 
to  bo  fttfogelhcr  rebuffed  even  by  the  last  words  of  an  anointed  Qdeen. 
Pomp  leoti/d  somewhat  assert  itself. 

We  meddle  not  with  any  of  these  prefects.  If  the  money  he  forih- 
coming,  if  the  half-crowns  leap  to  the  willing  hand,  let  them  be  paid  in. 
and  let  the  masons  set  forthwith  to  work,  Ihe  trowels  tinkling  har- 
moniously. All  we  ask  is,  the  enjoyment  of  our  right  to  propose  the 
notion  ol  a  Queek  Adelaide  Mouument,  such  memorial  to  be  solely 
undertaken  and  wholly  carried  out  a',  the  expense  of  government. 

But  then,  it  may  be  urged,  the  expense  of  government  is  only  a 
phrase  of  course — so  many  shifting  words,  the  tru»  meaning  of  which  is, 
the  expense  of  llis  Majesty,  the  People.  In  this  case,  liowcver,  we 
do  not  propose  to  lay  even  an  extra  pennvweight  upon  the  aforesaid 
people.  No ;  ihe  Adelaide  Monument  shall  s(and  fair  and  beautiful  in 
the  light,  and  not  cost  ihe  people  an  additional  farthing.  For  the 
Monument:  shall  not  be  of  ephemeral  Purbcck  atone  or  deca)iDg 
granite — but  of  enduring  stuff :  of  nothing  less  tban  Paper — of  paper 
white  and  spotless,  and  typical  of  the  purit-y  of  the  memory  it  eternises. 
Our  plan  is  wondrously  simple — and  toen  so  very  facile  of  execution. 

One  hundred  thousand  pounds  a  year  is  saveit  to  tbe  revenue  by  the 
loss  of  thfi  good  Qi;£KN  Adelaide.  We  simply  propose  that,  saving 
this  much,  we  repeal  the  excise  upon  paper.  For  consider,  what  a 
seTJous  thinfT^what  a  grand  thing,  is  paper !  liow  lofty— now  tub- 
lime,  ma^  be  its  functions  !  A  sheet  of  paper  is  as  the  physical  wing  to 
tbe  spiritual  thought,  carrying  its  presence  round  atiout  the  worid. 
Upon  such  wings  do  the  philosophers  and  poets,  the  jurists  and  the 
joumali<4ls,  fly.  Upon  such  win^  do  all  mute  words  enter  into  the 
souls  and  hearts  of  men.  What  u  the  paper  of  a  letter,  but  the  wings 
that  bear  a  voice  P 

Well,  knowing  this,  it  is  a  little  irksome  to  human  patience  lo  know 
the  many  tyrannical  and  foolish  practices  wrought  upon  paper  pinions 
by  the  fantastic  exciseman.  How  they  are  cut  and  plucked,  ana  laden 
by  a  hundred  stupid  nnd  despotic  caprices.  The  t^yptians,  who  bad  a 
deep  meaning  in  ail  their  symbols — so  deep,  it  often  hafQcs  us  in  its 
darkness— shipped  Isis,  when  she  searched  for  the  remains  of  Osibis 
in  a  bark  of  papyrus — a  paper  boat ;  for  even  the  crocodiles  respected 
the  papyrus,  never  so  much  as  snapping  at  it.  There  can  be  no  doubt 
that  in  this  the  Egyptians  intended  to  manifest  the  solemn  function 
of  ^per  as  a  vessel  sacred  to  the  Intellect — a  vessel  that  even  the 
instinct  of  savage  ignorance  shonld  respect.  Such  was  the  paper  boat 
of  lais.  How  oifTerent  the  fate  of  tbe  paper  boats  of  Britannia — the 
milliona  of  erafi  made  on  the  banks  of  her  thousand  rivulets  and 
streams  !  Why,  in  every  paper  milhdaio  lurk  twenty  alligators,  who, 
at  any  hour,  may  turn  up  in  the  shape  of  excisemen !  And  how  thev 
overhaul  the  boats,  wtiab  pranks  they  are  duly  licensed  to  plaj  witL 
them,  it  would  take  too  maoh  paper  here  to  tell. 

And  yet  the  S'al« professes  to  venerate  tbe  function  of  paper.  In 
our  love  of  its  sublime  utility,  we  make  schools  for  raggedness,  and 
hope  to  save  from  shipwreck  the  soul  of  ignorance  in  a  paper  boat. 
And  we  do  ail  we  can  to  overload,  even  to  sinking,  the  pjwer  vessel 
with  the  weight  of  taxes  flung  aboard.  Wonderful  is  it  to  tnink  how, 
with  such  a  crew  of  excisemen,  paper  swims ! 

However,  to  proceed  with  our  jlan  for  a  Paper  Monument  to  the 
Memory  of  Queen  Adelaide,  Tlie  repeal  of  the  excise  on  the  fabric 
would  DC  a  ttpautiful  memorial,  and  lasting  as  touching.  Her  late 
Majesty,  from  her  shelf  in  St.  George's  Vault,  subscribes  towards  the 
repeal  a  hundred  thousand  a  year. 

Ye rr  true,"  answers  a  stAtistical  familiar;  "but  then  the  Paper 
duty— the  tax  laid  upon  the  wings  of  knowledge — was  for  184S,  not 
one  hundred,  but  seven  hundred  and  Ufty-one  thousand  pounds.  Thu?, 
it  is  clear  that  tbe  dropped  pension  of  Queeh  Adklaidx,  would  not 
give  even  a  seventh  of  the  tax.  To  be  sure,  the  whole  matter  might 
be  disposed  of  in  a  trice  if  certain  of  the  living  would  subicrihc  to  the 
Monument.  Xf,  for  instance,  a  king  would  send  from  Hanover  a 
subscription  of  £i21,000  a-year— if  a  king  in  Belgium  would  do  some- 
thing—if sinecurists,  the  white  ants  of  tbe  State,  who  devour  anything 


bx  the  shape  of  taxes,  and  some  of  whom  especially,  feed  upon  lettrr- 
Mper— for  the  family  tree  of  a  Graptok  is  in  truth  only  a  bulrush* 
Post  OlBoB  napyras  * — if  these,  the  teeth  of  the  State,  would  forego 
somewhat  oi  their  provender,  paper  would  instantly,  like  No&n's  dove, 
fly  free — nor  fly  without  the  oiive.  But  this  is  not  to  he  hopfd/*  %sj% 
our  statistical  friend;  "and  so  we  must  seek  a  Monument  t<»  QTrRCK 
Apelaidb  in  other  materials.  Paper  is  forbidden  us.  But  what  think 
you  of  an  Advertisement  Monument  ?  Tbe  amount  of  duty  on 
advertisements  in  1849— tlie  price  paid  to  the  State  for  permission  to 
ssk  custom,  or  to  ask  emplov  in  pri'it.,  was  only  one  hundred  and 
fifty  two  thousand,  nine  hundred  and  twenty  six  pounds.  The  late 
QuEEK  DowAOER,  in  her  lapsed  pension,  at  onco  contributes  one 
hundred  thousand  of  the  sum — whiUt  the  odd  6fty-two,  why,  it  is  not 
fo  be  spoken  of — the  Life  Guards  would  contribute  it  in  ahi^ndoned 
gold-lace,  or  the  Maids  of  Honour  offer  it  in  pocket-money.  What  say 
you  y    An  Adverlisement  Monument  to  the  Qiteck  Dowaqeb  ? " 

A  most  felicitous  thought.  Far  b?tter  than  the  hallorown  subscrip- 
tion is  thn  eighteenpence  saved  to  the  poor  who,  seeking  labour 
through  the  ncwspap'^rs,  must  pay  tbe  additional  one-and-sixpence  to 
the  Exchequer,  or  liold  their  peace.  Abolish  the  advertisement  duty; 
U'uke  such  abolition  monumental  lo  the  memory  of  the  QCEEV 
Do  WAG  EH,  and  consider  for  a  moment  the  number  and  the  condttion 
of  the  [>eople  who  are  made  to  feel  the  rrltef  granted  by  QuXEir 
Adelaide  even  in  her  grave.  The  "Young  Lady  who  wants  a  situa- 
tion as  Governess,"  feels  Ihe  royal  bounty  in  her  own  narrow  pocket. 
The  "Wtt-nurse,  a  respectable  married  woman,"  is  eighteenpence  the 
richer ;  and  **  A  Uood  Plain  Cook,  with  no  objection  to  the  country." 
saves  her  one-and-sixpence  to  help  her  on  her  way  by  rail  or  coacIi,  the 
ritua'iou  carried.  From  the  schoolroom,  down — down  to  the  scullery 
— the  cighreenpenny  benevolcncs  would  be  felt,  and  the  memory  of 
Queen  Adelaide  be  gratefully  enshrined. 

AnKighteenpenny  Monument  to  IheQtiEEK  Dowagea,  by  all  meant. 

A  Lirrus  Btao. 

*  Fran  Clw  moflta  of  RnwLAMb  Hnx's  jMmDlsii.  tlia  Ditxk  ov  0%Awmm.  hvrinf^ 
CnABLXS  THK  RKoont's  eosUy  blood  In  bis  tsIiu — um  rvjui  iiurplu  U  Mry  4iMr,boW' 
evtsr  mlaltVKtnl— uli«6  by  nf»l  grant,  £l0,fiee  a  ywr. 


ROMAN  WALLS  HAVE  EARS. 

B.  PmfCB'a  old  friends,  the 
Arcbwologians,     bnvo    lately 
«  discovered   something    which 

they  call  a  Koman  Wall ,  and 
they  are  determined  the  wall 
shall  have  ears,  for  they  give 
it  an  audience.  How  lliey 
ascertained  tbe  Uomantsm  of 
the  wall,  we  cannot  tell,  for  it 
consisted  only  of  a  few  old 
bricks,  and  there  was  no  other 
foundation  to  go  upon. 

DiL  Pettjgrew  brought  it 
forward,  and  the  Committee 
sat  on  the  wall  for  nearly  an 
hour.  Another  Member  then 
produced  some  fragments  of 
coarse  pottery,  consisting  of  a 
slice  of  an  old  tile,  half  an 
ounce  of  broken  plate,  and  Ihe  spout  d  \  pipkin,  which  somebody  turned 
into  a  handle  for  a  long  argument.  Aiwlher  Member  then  threw  down 
upon  the  table  a  "small  collection  of  old  nails:"  but  after  vainly  trying 
to  tack  something  on  to  these  nails,  or  to  hit,  the  right  one  on  the  bead, 
the  meeting  broke  up  in  a  state  of  wisdom  absut  equal  to  that  in  which 
they  had  assembled.  Another  Member  had  been  proceeding  to  lecture- 
upon  an  old  helmet,  which  he  called  a  "caaque."  but  the  casque  WM 
so  thoroughly  dry,  that  it  served  as  a  wet  to  noDody's  curiosity. 


aoMAx  mzMAins  t 


Punch's  Abridged  Seport  of  Fhilpotts  v.  Oorhani. 

The  Pope,  his  comiuission  for  finners  to  prove. 
Sends  BuUs,  without  mercy,  to  bore  'em: 

Our  Philfotts,  to  show  his  "more  fatberiy  love, 
Kefuses  pcrmisaion  to  ffore  *«m. 


U 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  FUNERAL  AFTER  SIR  JOHN  MOORE'S. 

rUBiriSHXD  BT  AX  UHDXBTAKEl. 

Not  a  mute  one  word  at  tlie  foneral  apoke^ 

Till  avay  to  the  pot-houae  we  harriea, 
Kot  a  be&cer  diachar^  his  ribald  joke 

O'er  the  glare  where  onr  *'  party  "  we  buried. 

We  buried  him  deariy  with  Tain  diBj^, 

Two  hundred  per  cent,  returning. 
Which  we  made  the  tira^fiting  or^DaBa  pay, 

AU  consideratioB  flptming. 

With  plumes  of  feathers  hia  hearae  was  dreat. 

Pall  and  hatbanda  and  scarfs  we  found  faim ; 
And  he  went^,  as  a  Chriatian,  unto  his  rest, 

With  his  empty  pomp  around  him. 

None  at  all  were  the  praters  we  said. 

And  wfi  felt  not  the  slightest  sorrow, 
But  we  thoneht,  as  the  rii  ea  were  perform'd  o'er  the  dead. 

Of  the  bill  we  'd  run  up  on  the  morrow. 

We  thought  as  he  sunk  to  his  lowly  bed 

That  we  wish'd  they  cut  it  shorter, 
So  that  we  might  be  off  to  the  Saracen's  Head, 

For  our  gin,  and  our  pipes,  and  our  porter. 


Lightly  we  speak  of  the  "party  "  that 's  gone^ 
Now  all  due  respect  has  been  paid  him ; 

Ah !  little  he  reck'd  of  the  lark  that  went  on 
Near  the  spot  where  we  fellows  had  laid  hina. 

As  soon  as  our  sable  task  was  done, 

Not  a  moment  we  lost  in  retiring ; 
And  we  feasted  and  froUck'd,  andjpoked  our  (on. 

Gin  and  water  each  jolly  boul  finog. 

Blitbdjr  and  quickly  we  quaff'd  it  down, 
Siogug  Bong,  cracking  ioke,  telling  story ; 

And  we  snouted  and  huigh'd  all  the  way  up.  to  Town, 
Riding  outside  the  hearse  in  our  glory ! 


Thm  Old  L&dt  is  supposed  (aftsr  a  okut  kpport)  to  hatk  mack 
up  usb.  himd  to  tbatbl,  just  por  oncb,  bt  onb  **  of  th&b  nbw 
faiiolbd  bailwatb,"  amd  thb  pibst  thing  bmb  bbholds  ob  abaitlka 
at  thb  station,  is  tbs  abovb  host  alabmimg  placand. 


A  BETTER  PLANT  THAN  PROTECTION. 

"  1  B£  a  farmer;  and  afore  the  cam  lawa  was  done  away  wi, 
I  waa  a  monoppullHt,  as  was  only  nateral,  for  of  all  oar  mother's 
ohildem  we  all  on  ua  lores  ourzelves  the  best.  But  full  well  I  knows 
'til  in  vain  a;|>ectin  to  get  them  laws  back.  The  people  wnn't  stand  a 
bicad-tax  Map.  never  no  more.  We  're  got  Yree  Trade,  and  must  put 
np  wi  't.  Well ;'  aeein  aa  how  we  hare  got  it,  what  I  say  is  let 's  make 
toe.  moat  on't.  Qoo  droo  wi't.  D^'t  stand  shiliy-ahallyin  ball- 
w».  Goo  the  whole  hog  in  Yree  Trade,  and  iat  *a  ha 't  in  every  thinfr- 
If  jorrenera  be  to  compete  wi  ua,  let'  we  compete  ¥i  forrenera.  Gie  ua 
Vree  Cultivation.  Let  *i  ha  liberty  and  licence  to  ^w  whatsamdever 
we  're  a  mind  to.  What  cause  or  mat  impediment  u  there,  I  wants  to 
know,  why  we  a)u)uldn't  cult  ivate  Tobacco  P  Th«re  'a  a  law  agin  it,  m 
I  dare  say  you're  aware;  and  don't  tell  me  that 't  wouldn't  pay^;  for  U 
80  there  never- would  ha  bin  no  sich  law:  besides  'Ua  well  anouelj 
know  'd  as  'twould  pay  in  some  siles,  specially  in  Ireland.  Let 's  La 
the  tobscoo-stopper  took  out  o'  the  statutes,  and  zee  what  we  can  do 
with  the  Tobacco  Plavt.  I  say  our  game  is  to  ai^tate  for  the  right 
to  maVe  the  most  aa  ever  we  can  out  cr  the  land,  wfaieh  ool  do  us  moor 
good  by  half  thanjtoin  about  blubberon  fa  Purt^ion.  Just  you  mind, 
Mr.  Fmnek,  what  laipra  about  TOBAOOOiand  if.  so  be  as  how  you  M  hb 
ao  ^ood  as  to  print  it,  I  'd  thaakeat  fori  do  believe  'tis  a  hint^  worth 
takin. 

"  I  believe.  Sir,  you  be  a  true  friend  to  the  Farmer,  thof  you  doan't 
palaver  un.  Now  juat  tou  put  the  fanneran  world  up  to  this  here 
notion  o  mine  about  Horn  Qbowv  Tobacco;  and  1  doan't  tbiuk 
you  'U  repent  foUem  the.adviee  of 

"  Tour  reghwr  Reader, 

"F&ULAMD  TlLLBR." 


I      THE  LAST  DAT8  OP  THE  PALACE  COUBT. 

As  Foinpeii  was  swept  away  or  rather  buried  under  a  stream  of  lava, 
80  has  the  Palace  Court  been  destroyed  by  the  volcanic  buret  of  indig- 
nation which,  within  the  last  year,  has  broken  over  itl  Its  own  plreous 
palaver  baa  "heea  wa^Led  away  in  the  lava  eibanating  from  that  avenging 
Vesuvine,  ihe  public  mouthy  which  had  sent  forth  in  worda  that  horn, 
the  doom  of  the  Palace  Cowft. 

Friday.  December  the  aSfh,  will  be  remarkable,  in  the  annals  of 
enlightenment^  as  the  last  day  of  the  sittings  of  this  tribonaL  The 
Ju[|ge  W43  on  the  bench,  but  ttie  bar  was  absent  from  the  melancholy 
scene,  ami  a  aolitsTv  usher  attended  as  chief  mourner  at  the  colemnity. 

.Two  Rttomie*  acted  bs  mutes,  fur  they  never  opened  their  mouths,  and 
as  if  to  perform  an  act  of  pity  in  its  liuit  moments,  the  Court  refused  to 
make  an  order  upon  a  pE>or  woruau,  who  a';tended  for  her  sick  hui^band,' 
at  the  suit  of  a  tiklly-man- 

The  case  vas  one  with  which  the  Court  would,  no  doubt,  have  dealt, 
in  its  dnys  of  vigour  and  ri^ur;  for  though  the  defendant's  bea 
had  been  pawned,  Mid  the  family  were  starving,  there  waa  nothii^to 

Idistrnguiah  the  ea&e  from  hundreds  of  others  tnat  had  gone  before, 
and  would  have  coroe  again  if  the  Court  had  continued  to  exiat. 
Happily,  the  reicording  angel  has  something  to  place  among  the  final 

I  retiordfl  of  tHe  Court  which  may  be  accepted  as  a  nartial  expiation  of - 

,  soniis  of  its  past  enormities.  De  mortwu  ml  msi  oomm.  Tne  I^Iaoe' 
Court  ia  dead";  so  is  our  enmity. 


A  Dead  Swivdlv.— An  Undertaker's  BtU. 


Vniveraity  PrixAs. 

TiTB  subjects  propoied  to  the  competitors  for  prises  in  the  Univfiv, 
sity  of  C^mbridie,  wo^dd  certainly  do  credt*:  to  the  authors  of  thai' 
popakr  farlhtng  aerial  which  comes  out  at  four  sheets  a  pennv,  ujpdar 
the  li'le  of  "  N«ts  to  Cract"  at  Christmas  ti^ue.  The  Cambridge  nuts 
are  peculiarly  adapted  for  those  who  have  cut  their  wise  teeth;  and 
perhfips  a  dfig-tooth  or  two  may  be  useful  in  digesting  such  dog  Latiir 
ax  Sfuikvuperui,  afld  otlier  tehnSf  in  which  the'  University  HmntiHiH 
Iwiuriftre. 

Ont!  of  the  theniei  for  I^iktin  prose,  is  "Shakbspbabh  and  HOKM 
compared,"  which  seems  to  pave  the  way  for  the  atill ,  greater  ^anteitt 
an  imstting  year,  of  a  oompuiaon  between  Goodwb  cnada  'a^  Tatt^ 
terdctt  Steeple. 


m 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAlllVAHJ. 


BCJENES  FEOM  THE  LIFE  OF  AN  UNPEOTECTEB 
FEMALE. 

ScSNt  9.— 2V  Crotting  ai  Charing  Crou,  The  Unpeotectm)  Fexalb  ' 
ij  on  tlui foot-way,  with  three  QaUUvttn  teaitinff  for  an  "  Atloi"  (tea 
Ladiea  experiing  a  "  Brompton"  ttoo  membem  of  the  itrtet  sme^ing 
familji^  Kelt  known  i«  the  migh/iourhocd,  Mseral  reduced  tradetMM 
Mtiiing  penknive$t  and  a  nuPuroM  lUsortmeHt  qf  orange-toomtn, 

Ailoi  Cad.  Now,  K'nnVt'n !  K'nnVt'n !  {Vupbotecied  Femalb 
maktt  a  nah  to  eros4).  Here  you  are — MVani — K'onV^'ii-     iSeua  her. 

Unprotected  Female.  IDon't,  please — 1  'm  not  goinsr  to  KeniungtoQ. 

BfiM^ttoH  Cad.  Here  you  are,  Ma'am;  Fuibani !  Pultiam  ! 

Unprotected  Female.  No.  no, — [  'm  not  going  to  Fulliam. 

Ci<Uea  Cad.  Ch'Isea- Ma'am?  Cli'lsea-  ! 

[They  jevrround  UNFROtECTED  F£UjU4E,  and  argue  teitk  her. 

Unprcteiled Female.  No!  no!  I'm  not  going  anywhere — thank  you. 

BoMiom  Caiman  {whtpfifff  tharp  out  r/  Parliameni  Street).  Now — 
Stoopid — Hoy ! 

Unprotected  Female  {escaping  back  to  pavement  mth  some  difficulty). 
Ob !  goodness  graciouB ! 

Hamom  Cabmwi,  'Ere  you  ore,  Ma'am. 

Clermiee  Cabman  {off  Farliament  Street  rank).  'Ere  you  are,  Ma'am — 
(to  Utmscm).  Lady  don't  vont  ^our  JHck*io-tLe-box. 

Bmnaom  Cabman.  Anyways,  it 's  better  nor  your  pill-box. 

Ut^troteeied  Female  {deprecating^).  Oh,  I  don't  want  either.  I  'm 
not  going  anjwkere.  Now,  then,  1  think.  I  can  get  across.  (  Makes  hvr 
iSrstnuh^but  is  arrested  &y  a  solemn  procession  efstreetsiee^ngmackina.) 
Ub,  dear,  dear  I 

EldesK^the  (kossing-Siceeper  Family.  Oil,  please,  Ma'am — do.  Ma'am 
—poor  little  gurl,  Ma  am. 

[Sxeeutes pantomime  with  Kerbetom^  andtcinisat  Atlas  Conductor. 

Umprvtected  Female.  Go  away,  you  bad  girt— 1  saw  you  laugltinij  just 
now.    Now,  then.  {She  prepares  for  her  serotid  tusk. 

Siaid  Jtlas  Passenger  {seizes  her  by  the  thawl).  Stop— you '11  be  run 
over !  [Two  Kenniagton  'busses  turn  the  comer,  racing  at  full  speed. 

Hansom  Qtbman.  Now,  Mum,  you  'ailed  me.    It 's  a  BoiJliB'. 

Unprotected  Female.  But  I  'm  going  to  walk. 

Clarence  Cabman.  No — it  was  me  toe  lady  'oiled.    A  sbilim',  Marm. 

Unprotected  Female,  Ob  1  never  did  bail  either  of  you— 1  'm  sure  I 
didn't,  Sit  {to  Staq)  Atuls  PjLSSKKCEu).  Now,  go  away,  or  i'U  call 
Aomebody. 

BoMiom  Oabman,  Ob,  you  calls  yourself  a  lady— Yah  1 

Clarence  Cabman.  I  vouldn't  be  mean,  if  I  vaa  you — now  then ! 

Unprotected  Female  {wondering  what  ihe  has  done  to  deserve  this).  Ob, 
gracious  me  !    Ob,  dear  me. 

Foiieeman  {lounging  round  the  corner^  severely  to  Unpeotecteo 
Fjeiiaijb).  Now,  Marm,  move  on— do — we  can't  avc  any  rows  here, 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  it's  these  cabmen — I  dou't  wjuit  ibem,  and 
they  teiil  coiue.  (Casvek  retire  to  ihtir  ranks  at  appearance  of  Fo 
UCXKAM}.  Now,  1  think  I  can  get  across.  \She  makes  a  thtra  rush. 

2nd  Hewtber  ^tke  Croesiajf' Siceeper  Family  {jumping  btfure  her).  Oh, 
a  penny,  please — please  Mum,  a  penny — a  penny.  Mum — ^poor  girl. 
Muni.  \_Bars  toe  passage. 

Unprotected  Female.  Ah  !  get  away,  do,  you  wicked  girl !  Here 's  a 
coal  waggon  I  {Strives  in  vain  to  escttpe  over  the  C&ossino-Sweepek — 
the  coai-tcaggon  gets  uearer — SKe  appeals  to  the  fote  horse  of  the  team.) 
Ob»  don't  run  over  me!  {fke  s-gaiions  emimat  answers  the  appeal  by 
wUkisuf  tuomfar  krr  tofoes  back  io^ot-way.)    Thank  goodness  t 

%r4  Member  (f  Crosstng-Siceeper  Family.  Ob,  please  Mum — a  penny. 
Mum— poor  gjrl,  Mum— 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  it  was  you  nearly  got  me  roa  over.  1  've 
a  good  mind  to  give  you  in  charge. 

OrossingSKceptr  [leering  at  her).  Come  now— stagh  it,  old  'ooman. 
[£»c«(/m  a  wild  donee  qfdeHance  with  the  oid ^  her  besom  to  the 
great  delight  of  the  Cads  and  Cabmen.     The  eoalieaggon  has 
now  ddiled  aerois  Trafalgar  Square. 

Unprotecled  Female.  Now,  I  think  1  cau  get  across,  {^he  perceicet  an 
Omnsbus  coming  past  Spring  Gardens  {l^t),  and  another  at  the  Charing 
Crots  Hospital  {right)  and  pauses  to  calculate  their  distances).  Yes,  1 
think  I  can  get  over  oefore  that  one  comes  up.  {Rushes  two  steps  into 
the  road.)  Ob,  no ;  I  don't  Ibink  I  can.  {Her  heart  misgives  W,  and 
$ke  maiet  a  ttep  in  retreat.)  Yes,  1  'm  sure  I  can. 

{^Jkiakes  a  violent  rush,  and  comes  in  ierrHic  contact  with  a  stout  gentU' 
man  who  it  reading  a  letter  he  kas  just  received  at  the  Charing 
Cfist  Fost-OjRce. 

Letterreoding  GentJeman.  Confound  the  woman — hollo,  Ma'am — any 
dainageP 

Unprotected  Female  {a  good  deal  stunned),  Ob,  I  beg  your  pardon — I 
do,  indeed — I  didn't  mean  to. 

{Jpotopises  earnestly  for  being  run  against. 

Ssght-hand'But  Driver  {who  Ma*  got  up  from  &nng  Qardens.)  Now 
lhui--«toopid  I  yah—  t^  rushes  to  the  /^, 


^ft  hand  'Sue  Driver.  Now,  then— ttoopid  I  yah  I 

[JSke  rushes  to  the  right 

Both  'Bus  Drivers.  Now,  then !  yah !  yah ! 

[She  gives  kerulfup  to  immediate  destruction 

Letter- reading  Gentleman  {pulling  her  oh  to  the  little  Oasis  round  the 
laatpposl).  Here,  you  silly  woman — one  would  think  you  wanted  to  be 
run  over— 

Utiproiecled  Fem*tle.  Oh,  no.  I  don't,  but  T  can't  get  across. 

Several  Memters  qf  the  Cyoitsing Stfccper  Family  {whose  headquarters 
the  Oasis  appears  to  be),  Uh.  pleftAC,  Mum,  a  penny,  Mum ;  poor  little 
gurl   Mum — oh,  do,  iileaae  I 

Unprotected  Female,  Ob,  here's  more  of  those  wicked  little  girls. 
How  dare  you  F  (The  Family  leave  her  to  beset  an  Omnibus^  and  hold  a 
friendly  chiff  with  tks  Conductor.)  Iwonderif  1  Cnii  g«t  riglit  across  now  K 
{She  commences  on  ci-amiHation  at  the  9jn,e  mometit  dou^n  Farlvment 
Street,  along  the  Strand,  oirosa  Trafalgar  S<fuare^  and  in  other  directions ) 
I  wonder  If  there's  anylhing  coming  ruund  the  corner !*  Now.  I 
think {She  makes  a  step, 

frith  Beggar-Woman  {with  large  family).  Ah,  thin,  Marm,  darlin',  me 
and  my  poor  ohildtbcr ! 

Unprotected  Female  {pierced  trith  compass'on).  Poor  little  thinvs  I 
And  with  bare  feet,  too — pretty  dears— Oh,  here,  poor  woman— 1 'II 
give  you  some  bread,  if  we  &(n  only  ret  across.  (Irisu  Beggak-Wojiak 
proceeds  to  pass  Ofier)    Don't— you  'll  be  run  over. 

IPoiniing  to  a  cab  several  hundred  yards  off. 

Irish  Bcggar-Woman.  Ah,  thin,  Marm,  darlin* — come  along — sorr* 
the  misdiicf  they  '11  do  yt  at.  all,  ar  all. 

\_Froceeds  to  lug  UNrEOTECTBD  Fbmai.b  acrost. 

UttprJecied  Female.  Oh,  but,  I  'm  sure.  {Jtlemptt  to  return. 

Crossing-Sweeper  Family  {anxious  to  join  the  parly  to  the  bun  shop).  Ob» 
pleas?.  Mum,  bit  o'  bread,  Mum,  pcor  litile  gurl.  Mum— 

[UNrROTECTED  Feualk.  gaining  the  pavement  on  the  other  side,  very 
much  against  her  will,  and  Scene  closes. 


POKERS  AND  PANTOMIMES. 


Tax  usual  oufoiy, 
that  thiors  are  not  as 
they  usra  to  be,  is 
applied  now-a-days  to 
evervlhing;  and  one 
would  almost  imagine, 
that  "  As  you  were, 
is  the  only  word  of 
command  that  pru- 
dence ought  to  ad* 
dre&s  to  us. 
Among  other  lamentations  over  the  past,  we  are  always  inundated 
about  this  time  of  year,  with  regrets  over  the  fac^  that  Pantomimes 
are  not  what  they  iised  to  be.  We  must  admit  that  they  are  not;  and 
we  particularly  miss  the  red-hot  pok^r  that  once  played  such  a  promi- 
nent part  in  every  pantomime.  Clown  used  to  produce  nearly  the 
whole  of  bis  ** effects"  with  this  implement ;  and  in  fact  he  presided 
over  (be  whole  fun  of  the  evening  with  a  red-hut  poker,  or,  in  olher 
wordi,  ruled  it  with  a  rod  of  iron.  Poor  Pantaloon  baa  the  red-hot 
poker  continually  at  his  fingers*  ends ;  and  there  was  not  a  sc<ne 
throughout  the  Pantomime  in  which  the  poker  was  not  introduced  for 
some  purpose  or  other.     Sometimes  it  was  brought  in,  that,  a  verbal 

t'oke  niigbt  be  made,  and  that  Clown  might  say,  "  Come,  you  want  to 
>e  stirred  up."  Or  it  was  required,  in  order  tha^  a  beggar  might  have 
it  thrust  into  bis  face,  with  tlie  announcement,  *' Here,  poor  fellow; 
here  'a  something  warm  for  you." 

This  Poker,  which  was  kept  permanently  red-hot,  never  missed  fire, 
and  we  can  understand  how  essential  it  must  have  seemed  to  pantomime 
writers  in  the  days  of  our  forefathers,  wliose  ideas  of  wit  and  humour 
were  chiefly  oonuned  to  acts  of  cruelt/  on  the  part  of  Clown  towards 
Pantaloon^  or  pieces  of  roguery  in  which  both  were  concerned,  or  feats 
of  gluttony,  such  as  the  swallowing  of  an  unlimited  chain  of  sausageo. 

'The  davs  are,  however,  gone,  when  fun  oould  be  poked  at  the  public 
with  a  Poker,  Pantomune  writers  have  now  so  many  other  irons  in 
the  fire,  that  red-hot  fire-irons  have  quite  gone  out,  and  it  is  very 
uidikely  that  they  will  ever  come  in  agam. 


Hope  for  the  BaU. 

The  depression  and  sinking  of  so  many  Lines  of  Railway  is,  in  great 
measure,  attributable  to  the  sleepers:  the  shareholders,  tiU  lately, 
having  been  for  the  most  oart  dormant;  but  they  being  now  fully  awake 
to  their  position,  it  is  to  oe  hoped  that,  in  consequence  of  their  future 
vigilance,  every  suukeu  Line  of  Kail  wdl  be  ultimately  elevated  to  its 
proper  level. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAiUVARl. 


HOW    MR.   PUNCH    SPENT    BOXINQ-NIQHT. 

N  many  occaniona  Mr,  Pnnek  haa 
lamented  tbe  space  afforded  by  his 
«rare  ooDtemporariea  to  the  consi- 
aeration  of  thie  Drama :  baa  aa  often 
lamented  tbe  needleu  expense  which 
a  niajestio  part  of  the  Press  is  wont 
to  incur  in  the  outlay  upon  dramatic 
ori^iciam.  No  sooner  does  a  new 
drama  appear,  than  it  is  discussed  at 
monstrous  length  in  daily  and  weekly 
coluoms,  to  the  exclusion  of  thrilting 
accidents  and  offences,  and  the ori|^ 
and  growth  of  mighty  gooseberries. 
Mr.  Funehf  on  the  morning  of  Box- 
iog-day,  resolred  to  show  to  bis  con- 
temporaries a  more  compendious  way 
of  attending  to  the  interests  of  the 
Drama.  When  new  i)la}houies  spring 
up  like  asparagus,  it  behoves  the 
journalist  to  be  chary  of  his  atten- 
tion; for  if  he  proposes  to  notice  at 
length  every  work  of  art — if  be  rashly 
determines  to  discuss  and  analyse  the 
pretensions  of  tvtry  actor — he  wiU 
snon  have  no  room  whatever  to  chro- 
nicle the  mightier  events  of  the  time. 
Even  a  popular  Murder  will  be  cast 
into  the  shade  by  a  new  Tragedy; 
and  a  Mabia.  Manning  neglected  in 
the  undue  Httention  bestowed  upon 
merely  the  Heroine  of  the  Dumestic 
Hearth -stone. 

/'wfffA,  therefore,  laid  a  wager, 
R-.Rinst  his  own  pocket,  of  a  supper 
at  the  Clarendon  (a  celebrated  hos- 
telry for  ciiMcisni).  that  lie  would 
alone  critici-'e  every  new  piece  pre- 
sented at  every  "pUced"  London 
Theatre  on  Boxing-night.  -It  was  a 
(quarter  to  seven  when  he  Btrpped 
into  his  own  hackney-cab  at  85,  Fleet 
Street,  drawn  for  the  occasion  by 
a  horse  from  the  Parnassian  Stables 
—a  horse  now  backed  by  Thalia, 
and  now  b^  Mklpoueme,  in  their 
sky-blue  riding-habits.  The  Olympic 
being  a  bran-new  ediGce,  with  its  bloom  upon  it  fresh  as  Hay  hawthorn!*,  Funeh  drove  first  thither. 

OiiTUFic. — New  theatre :  commodious,  beautiful :  light  as  fairy-land  at  mid-day,  and  cosey  and 
convenient  as  an  easy  chair  after  dinner.  Maa.  Mowatt,  the  American  lily,  looking  purity- 
breathing  odour.  Opening  address.  Tbe  fair  lady  dropping  a  diamond  in  one  linp,  and  a  pearl  to 
rhyme  to  it  in  the  other.  DeliKhlfulty  given,  retires  m  a  shower  of  Camellia  Japnnica^.  Two 
Gents,  of  Verona  gave  capital  proniise,  and  every  appearance  that  tbe  new  pantomime  by  Lkk 
Nklson— descendant  of  the  imiiiortal  Hoiutio — would  be  a  greater  blow  than  IVafalgar.  House 
crammed — Gallery  so  crowded,  impcssible  for  a  single  housemaid  to  get  a  single  apple  out  of 
her  pocket. 

DBuaT-LAME.— The  boards  that  Gabkick  trod— that  Keah  (as  Richard)  died  upon.  New  lessee. 
Spirited  undertaking !  Tenderest  wishes  of  the  good  and  gentle  wait  upon  it.  House  crammed. 
M&.  ANDERSOv'a  Skjfloek  won  by  of  tbe  Asylum  ot  Deaf  and  Dumb;  not  a  word  heard— «nd  there- 
fore, it  is  to  be  hoped,  not  a  word  thrown  away.  Miss  Addison's  Portia.  Beautiful  in  fragments 
as  tney  reached  us.  Casket-scene  magnificent.  The  Golden  Casket,  we  are  informed,  from  gold 
sent  by  a  distant  dramatist,  now  picking  up  the  be^t  materials  for  a  new  pUy  in  California.  Row 
in  the  gallery— too  crowded.  M».  Akdemok  offered  the  malcontents  £6  a  head  and  his  own 
portrait,  t«  make  room  by  quittine  the  building.  Indignantly  refused.  Storm  lulled.  Pantomime 
began.  Work  of  Kodwxll.  the  1860  Magician.  fJurlequiH  and  Good  Beu  nobly  handled.  Produced 
in  us  a  melancholy  but  pbilo*ophic  thought.  In  the  >eaT  2000,  ano'her  Uodwell— if  Nature  has 
stuff  for  another—may  write  Harlequin  and  Good  (or  Better)  Qeen  Victoria.  pHUtomime  terrilic  bit 
— full  of  points  aa  a  pinonshion.  Author  called  for  at  oonclusion,  and  bouquets  of  mistletoe  and 
holly  thrown  to  him  f  Pressed  them  to  his  bosom;  and,  in  the  very  moment  of  triumph,  prickedl 
hia  fingers.  I 

Hatmabmt.— Zw/iv.  W'oman  (why  leill  woman  love  in  f his  desperate  manner  P)  and  Ki»o  Ren^t ; 
Daughter.  Autiience  wife  awake  to  the  pathos  of  Mb8.  Keak;  melt  marble,  and  make  cast-iron' 
run.  New  builesque— 7!ltf  Ninth  Statue*  Evidently  a  statue  of  luad-stone;  made  to  draw.  Full 
of  hitsaa  a  prize-Bght.  Authors  called  for.  The  Gemini  BnpuoH  appear  in  fall  Court  dressee 
and  are  greeted  with  rounds  of  appUuiae,  and— in  recognition  of  the  season — two  plum  dumplings. 
Authors  bow  and  exeunt,  picking  out  plums. 

•pBiNCESs'a.— B.eader,  bast  thou, ever  seen  Venice?  Hast  thou  ever  aeen  VeNiee  Pretervedf 
Hast  thou  ever  gazed  unon  the  Lion  of  St.  Mark  F  Hast-  thou  ^ra  mused  upon  the  pigeons  that 
flutter  about  his  edifice  r  Harit  thou  ever  marked  a  gpndolaF  Hast  thou  ever  stood  upon  the 
Itialto  P  BedauM,  whether  thou  hast  or  not,  it  ja  no  matieir,  aince  thou  hast  aeen,  or  very  probably 
wilt  see  a  pantomime,  which  thing  originated  in  Venice,  ua  vhioh  matter  briw  iu  to  the  panto- 


mime of  King  Jamie,  produced  at  thu 
theatre.*  Zi'iy /asiM  (also  by  BoDVXii^ 

•Tnll  of  jtaffu  HbrUuid  plaid, 
And  jntt  u  niU  of  c 


but  stuff  of  wonderful  web.  and  cros*«s 
enlarging  into  circles  of  delight.  Tho 
panioniime  was  more  successful  than  any 
future  pantomime  ever  cm  be.  '  Nerer- 
tfaelesR,  as  revering  our  institutiinis ;  as 
defending  Magna  Charta,  the  Right  of 
Succession,  the  Income  Tax,  and  all  the 
other  Palladiums  of  tmce  Menr  EoglaDd 
(when  Traitor  Pxel  was  yet  in  the  future) 
— we  must  protest  against  this  irrererent 
usage  of  our  kings  and  Qucfiiu.  Let  the 
Gbambsrlain  look  to  it.  Therevdulionist 
—foiled  at  Kennington  Commoit—lurkt 
in  the  theatre.  _  The  Chartist  deprired 
of  his  pike,  seizes  his  iron  pen.  He 
cannot  overturn  our  institutions,  so  he 
knocks  down  the  royaltv  of  historv  as 
Clown  and  Pantaloon,  and — but  we  hope 
we  have  said  enough  to  alarm  the  weasel 
vigilance  of  Load  Brbadalbaitx,  who, 
as  a  Scotchman  and  a  Lord  ChambieTUiD, 
must  be  particularly  sensitive  to  the  sub- 
ject, of  'he  pant.omintP^  King  Jame^  or 
Harlequin  and  the  Magie  Fiadie.  It  is, 
however,  but  bare  justice  to  Mk.  Maj>- 
DOx,  the  proof-spiritfd  proprietor,  to 
state  that  the  piece  is  got  up  reckless 
of  all  expense.  Kven  the  fiddle  has  all 
its  strings-.  The  outlay  upon  catgut  must 
have  been  tremendous. 

Lyceum.— JWtf  Island  <f  Jetctls—yiisL 
Plancii£*s  "entirt-ly  new  and  original" 
work  —  is  the  Serpentine  Vert  of  the 
Countess  D'Avois.  StiU,  under  the 
reviving  hand  of  the  adapter,  jSerjOM/ifftf 
Vfft  b^comes  an  Invisilile  Greeu  Prince 
—just  as,  in  Holywell  Street,  an  Invi- 
sible Green  Coat  is  made  "  belt*  r  m 
new."  Need  we  say  that  the  hiand  if 
Jeice't  is  gorgeous?  With  such  a  look 
of  reality  that  the  paste  would  not.be 
delected  even  by  the  Keeper  of  the 
Crown  Jewels  P  All  the  actors  did  more 
than  they  could  to  ensure  a  success  that 
was  inevitable  even  before  the  curtain 
ro^e.  As  for  Maj>asi£  Vestbis,  it  is 
plain  that 

**  8he  on  honey-dnw  hsi  fM, 
And.  dronlc  tbe  milk  of  Pandlae.* 

She  looks  more  blooming  than  ever,  and 
warbles  like  the  nightingale,  not  to  be 
"trod  down"  by  "hungry  generations." 
The  author  was  called  fur  when  the  piece 
concluded,  and  retired  amidst  a  shower 
of  kid  gloves— Paris  made. 

kTXW^xni.—Frunken»tein  is  here  made 
killinglv  droll.  The  Model  Man  of  Hbu 
Paul  Bkd?o&d  might  be  improved  if 
be  could  only  conquer  a  besetting  timi- 
dity that  ever  seeins  to  check  his  gushing 
humour.  Why  will  he  not  surrender  his 
genius  to  the  gallery  P  Why.  as  the  poet 
says,  will  he  dwell  in  inevitable  decen- 
cies^' for  everP  What  a  rich  humourist 
he  might  be,  but  tlien  he  is  so  modest. 
Wkxoht's  -AvwitfiMMi  is  wondrous.  8U 
children  in  arms  were  taken  from  the  pit 
to  the  nearest  apothecary's,  in  convul- 
sions of  laughter.  In  common  with  thou- 
sanus  of  WftiOHT't  friends,  we  await  the 
result;  but  we  much  fear  a  verdict  of 
"  unconscious  infanticide." 

Stkavd.  — /)i)iyMM  and  hie  tanUm, 
Like  a  red  hemng ;  full  of  salt,  with  a 


*  Mr.  Aim*  btM  vlfh  Ui  caiiaman  pnUhr, 

U  i^^not  to  ba tili ■■  f  m  tmmi  m  tt<f«t  tilS 
woikcaBoKlBC.Ml^t . 


u. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CUARIVARL 


wdl-iifveloped  tale.    A  Diglitly  reliBU  for  miliions.    Mas.  SriELUiO  u 
Minena.     An  owl  ibal  miJcM  night  lotely. 

Madamu  Tumaud.— Tliift  ia**ruciive  establishment  is  not  to  be 
Otcrlookod.  J'uneh,  in  common  with  his  daily  oontemporariea,  treaU 
the  place  with  bis  bett  deference,  and  on  boxiDgiUKbt  visited  it 
accordingly.  The  Chantber  of  Horrors  was  tastefiJly  accoratMi  with 
boily  and  the  bami  played  a  new  couiposirioo,  "  7'ke Bermomis^  Folka" 
which  spenied  lo  impart  &  tbrilliiig  saliafiicMoQ  to  the  audience.  Let 
111  not  omiL  to  flUiQ  thai  Ma[mȣ  T.,  niih  ber  customary  ta^tr,  had 
caused  a  larse  buncb  of  miftttetne  lo  br:  stispcndnl  over  the  tiguro  of 
Mahu  Mavkiko,  with  permission — price  id.  extra— to  any  of  the 
company  to  salute  the  waxen  individual,  a  pennisaiun  that  wasglndly 
purcbased  by  numerous  spectaturs. 

Soma  of  Ihe  Eastern  ThcAtres.  and  the  Surrey  Houses,  Funek-^it 
confesses  it — did  not  visit;  but  be  understood,  on  lbo  best  auihority, 
that  (bey  were  all  orowdt'd.  The  Victoria,  for  instance,  was  so  ctHuiuiPil, 
Ibat  the  proiirietor  had  lo  provide  beds  out  of  the  bouse  for  those  mUo 
would  not,  aurmtf  the  domestic  drama,  ale«p  upon  the  preujiscs. 


LBGAL  LOVE-LETTERS. 
"Ma.  PuNCff. 

"  The  Ijaw  m  regard  lo  'Breach  of  Promise  of  Marriage' 
baa  long  been  in  an  unsalisfaotory  state.  Allow  me,  through  your 
columns,  (o  give  I  be  LepisUture  a  nint  on  this  subject.  Let  no  pro- 
missory note,  or  other  writ  ing,  engaging  the  subsoriW  to  rnarr^l  be  party 
therein  aadrcssed  or  spcciHed,  be  considered  valid  or  binding  unless 
fctam(>ed  The  amount  of  ihe  9tan>p  should  be  proportionate  to  tiiat  of 
the  income-tax  paid  by  the  writer,  to  prevent  the  abuae  of  cheap 
B'amps  by  the  unprincipled  rich.  Let  my  proposal  be  adopted,  and 
the  consequences  will  be:— L  The  most  unsuspectlnw  fcmtile  will  put 
no  trust  m  a  btlUldoux  which  is  not  stamned.  S.  Ihe  expense 
attending  fnlae  pn  misca  of  tnarringe  will  (iiscourogc  those  base 
atteotptiB  nt  deception.  3.  Mania^es  will  become  genenilly  more 
rational,  beontise  mm  will  ihink  twice  before  signing  an  engagement 
wh'ch  Mill  nt  any  rnte  cost  them  a  stwnp.  4.  Ilie  stamp^uty  on 
marriage -promi-es  will  Ik  a  source  of  revenue  to  Government,  atul  of 
income  to  your  humble  Servant, 

"  A  SouciToa  AiiD  DisT&ifiutoB  OF  SraMM." 


fTHE    FARMER'S    STORY. 


FOWL  IS  FARE  AND  F.^RE  IS  FOWL. 

Enolaxd  ia  at  this  mouieut  undergoing  a  glut  of  pouliry,  for  every 
description  of  fowl,  from  the  guinea  to  the  cightecnpenny,  is  being 
brought  over  in  spite  of  foul  winds  from  Ihe  Continent.  Such  has 
bfcn  (be  arrival  of  turkeys,  that  the  markets  appeared  to  have  a  great 
Turkey  carpet  laid  down  over  th*m. 

The  arrival  of  chickens  has  beensomethiug  so  extraordinary  as  lo 
cause  a  ghit,  which  has  Ird  to  an  awlul  panic,  and  tlie  dealers  have 
become  so  chicken-liearied  as  to  be  afraid  to  specula'e  We,  however, 
hope  the  consumption  will  be  quite  equal  to  the  supply,  and  that  no 
fowl  wiU  be  left  on  the  hands  of  the  lair  dealers. 


TUE  FINEST  COLUMN  IN  THE  WOULD. 

Bbjtannu  is  a  great  deal  happier  in  her  heroes  than  she  is  in  her 
attempts  to  perpctuaie  tlieir  memory.  It  is  fortunate  that  the  actions 
of  her  great  men  sufHce  for  their  own  monuments.  Those  which  she 
erects  lo  (hem  do  nothing  for  llieir  fame  except  to  associate  it  with 
soraething  ludicrous,  All  that  can  be  said  to  account  for  this  is,  that 
there  is  a  st^ne-ntasonry  in  Brilifih  Art.  Jl  were  better,  henceforth,  to 
give  an  aUogether  new  form  to  these  testimonials.  Let  them  no  longer 
consist  of  sculp'ural  and  architectural  monstrosities^  but  c/ist  them,  in 
every  instance,  in  the  sh^w  of  a  column,  to  be  provided  by  the  largest 
amount  of  tiubscription  obtainable :  and  that  the  memorial  may  be  ms 
Ittsting^  and  at  the  same  time  as  magnilicent  as  possible,  let  the  column 
set  up  in  honour  of  the  soldier— the  statesman— the  poet— be  a  column 

®^  ^"'*^*'  ========= 

QuDpowder  Honours. 

We  condole  with  the  Dejchess  op  KE^T,  the  victim  of  noise.  She 
takes  boat  at  O^Home,  ami  aleanis  into  Portsmouth,  nhen  "Her 
IIajeett's  ship  Viciorp^nii  thi*  garrifton  battery  lire  royal  salutca!" 
Near,  without  waiting  to  calcnla  e  the  Talue  of  the  powder — the  price 
of  10  many  wheaten  loaves  blovn  irom  the  ounona  mouth,  to  split 
ihe  ears  of  the  Uuchefts — we  may  a<ic,  is  it  not  a  monster  folly  that  an 
elderly  gen'lewoman  cannot  gd  to  and  fro  to  pay  a  visit  to  her  children 
and  rrandoliihlren  without  betrg  thus  rudelv  and  expensively  saluted 
by  the  "adamantine  lips"  of  4^  pounders?  We  think  all  powder 
wait«d  upon  a  Ikdy— pearl  powder,  of  oourae,  excepted. 


TifB  Farmer's  storr  ptu  €SMlieiu$,  is  the  upper  story  of  No.  17, 
Bond  Street,  where  the  Proteciouists  liave  got,  rather  a  large  rocra, 
with  rather  a  small  company.  Protection  ha%  for  »Qme  time  occuptea 
what  in  Kugland  we  term  a  floor,  and  the  Scotch  coll  a  flat — the  Luttr 
designation  being  in  this  rose  the  mnrc  appropriate. 

We  bilicve  a  ruined  faimer  la  always  on  ibe  uremi^es  to  recciva 
people  who  come  to  be  mehincboly  over  the  fa'o  ot  Agriculture  :  nnd, 
as  there  a^e  other  lodgers  in  tlir  bouse.  w««  think  it  votild  be  only  fair 
to  have  "  Pull  the  tup  brll  for  Protection,"  irscribed  on  the  door-post. 
We  suspect  that  the  Bri^'sh  Ckiies  mu»t  be  a  very  bras-^nf^ced  crea- 
ture, or  she  would  never  cry  out  to  be  ijlac<sl  again  under  Protection ; 
which,  if  it  did  not  ruin  Ikt  in  ntean«(,  most  certainly  dc^troyrd  her 
^arncler.  Wc  canno*  help  seeing,  ut-TertheIc»*,  tlut  she  Is  r>etter  off, 
as  well  as  more  respectable,  without  the  protrction  to  which  she 
fooliihty  wishes  lo  return  ;  for  wlir-n  an  allirincc  with  Agiicultiire  is  in 
the  Market,  where  there  is  a  farm  for  fair,  the  competition  is  quite 
hrge  enough  to  show  that  the  connection  is  not  considered  by  any 
means  riiinous. 

Looking  on  the  two  pictures  onr  artist  has  here  dravn.  it  is  dilTioatt 
to  reconcile  on^  with  the  other:  for  while  taking  a  farm  iioems  to  be 
the  object  of  the  nio^t  eager  desire,  to  be  a  farmer  would  appear  to 
be  certain  bankraptoy,  despair,  and  ruin. 


Reduced  OircoxnatAnces, 

We  have  seen  some  very  gratifying  accounts  of  the  reduction  of 
rents  by  varions  landlords,  but  if  there  is  any  actual  merit  in  receiving 
a  reducrd  rent,  wr  (hmk  there  is  not  a  more  meritorious  person  in  tku 
rcsprct  than  Mr.  O'Conxell.  He  has  been  lately  taking  such  a  very 
reduced  rent,  ihat  it  will  amount  to  a  iw/«<:/to  o4  alMifdiim,  if  it  goes 
on  n>uch  longer  in  the  eame  direction,  and  at  his  weekly  audits  be  will 
at  las'  have  to  say,  "  Thank  you  for  nothing,"  to  his  audifora.  £ver7 
rent-day  exhibits  s'lme  diminution  in  the  receipts,  and  it  ia  to  be  «K- 
pected  that  before  long  the  sub«<cribprs  will  not  only  lake  off  aomaUuDf 
from  the  rent,  but  will  take  themselves  off  altogether. 


10 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CUAIUYARL 


AN    IDEA    FOR    A    NEW    BALLET. 


/DliCX  f^ 
fj'   OFF 


SoxcBOlfT  tone  tijD«  afo  ofercd  Kate  frciteLioLs  icm  for  ascv 
|4MSure,  m  the  ttmmitm  boMttm  to  whicb  be  Mpired,  and  we  are  aniethat 
the  nuuiager  of  Her  Majeat/'i  Theatre  would  be  Moall/  liberal  in  hit 
ol&r  for  a  new  idt%  for  a  ballet.  The  elements  nave  already  been 
esJiMuted :  Water  has  been  dried  up  in  Ondiw,  Fire  has  been  bomt 
oat  in  Mma,  Karth  has  been  fully  occupied  as  a  ground-work,  until 
there  is  not  an  inch  left  of  which  a  ballet-master  can  take  a  building 
lease  for  the  eosstruotion  of  his  plot,  and  when  be  asks.  "  Where"  be 
can  Uy  bis  foundations  f  Echo  answers,  "  Nowhere ! "  In  this  dilemma 
commerce  seems  still  to  present  an  opening  to  the  imagination,  and  the 
Linendrapery  bosineaB  offers  the  most  appropriate  field,  for  it  admiU  of 
the  introaDCtiott  of  an  unlimited  number  of  danteu9€$  and  a  variety  of 


The  subject  will  at  once  snaattkefM  «r 
propfietor.  and  the  pat  defaaeiamiiom  by  the  •nma*' 
niac  scrolla,  which,  while  embrsmff  all  the  homn 
ng  STSteni,  lore  on  to  their  own  loss  the  crowd  i 


pat  of  erety  character. 

with  their  aemoniac  acn^  which,  while  embrtciBff  all  the  homn  ol 
the  cheap  ticketing  system,  lore  on  to  their  own  loss  the  crowd  oi 
female  purchasers.  It  might  be  too  painful  to  introduce  amamr  the 
JiffuranUt  tbe  half  starred  work-people,  whose  iU-paid  labow"  eoBstitidea 
in  reality  the  Kuinous  Sacrifice  inscribed  on  tbe  placards,  tat  u  tha 
reality  were  not  too  shocking,  a  $rand  pa*  det  ricitma  wocdd  be  an 
"  eifeotiye  "  novelty.  The  theme,  if  diosen  for  a  ballet,  might  pm^ 
bring  under  the  notice  of  the  aristocratic  female  ftequenters  of  the  OP^ 
Ihe  horrors  entaUed  by  the  cheap  Alanning  Failure  System,  and  wi*k 
this  hope  alone  the  experiment  would  be  well  worth  a  tnaL 


TJJK    JMITCIIKR. 


Tub  poet,  in  an  idle  dream 

Lull'd  by  the  sound  of  fancy's  f,'.^ng, 
Souxht  in  his  visions  for  a  theme 

Whereon  to  found  a  simple  song. 
Upon  his  ear  there  chancea  to  full 

A  slirill,  and  old  familiar  cry : 
The  Butcher  at  his  market  stall, 

Was  shouting,  "What  d'youbuy,  buy,  buj  >*' 

As  quick  as  the  electrio  spark 

Uuns  o'er  the  telegraphic  wires, 
Th««  poet's  mind  no  lon^r  dark. 

Biased  with  imagination's  fires ; 
The  Butcher  1    'Twas  a  happy  thought : 

It  seem'd  a  subject  to  supplr. 
'Ti«  often  thus— mere  chance  Las  brought 

What  Ubour  ne'er  could  buy,  bay,  buy. 

The  Butdier.  u  he  walks  along. 

Looks  with  an  anxious  eye  about ; 
Conscience  accuses  him  of  wrong, 

He  knows  the  world  has  found  him  out. 
Stern  retribution  comes  ai  last ; 

The  trembling  Butcher  heavei  a  sigh. 
And  to  the  prices  of  the  past, 

He  soba  ft  sad  "  Good  bye,  bye,  b;e/' 

No  more  the  Butcher  gaily  drops 

His  customer  a  imile  and  bow ; 
Thnre's  such  a  fearful  fall  in  chops, 

The  Butcher 's  quite  ohap-fidlen  now. 


In  every  joint  a  shock  he  feels. 
His  shoulders  are  no  longer  high ; 

Upon  his  legs  a  weakness  steaK 
They  '11  fall  much  lower  by-and-bje. 

Sonie  would-be  stoics  of  the  craft, 

Fliilosophers  of  block  and  steel, 
Haye  at  the  outcry  wUdly  laugh'd 

And  scorn  at  lower  price  to  deal. 
Of  '*  stiokings  "  and  of  bone  they  prate. 

To  lay  aHloep  suspicious  eye ; 
We  '11  '"  si  ick  ^*  to  them  at  any  rale. 

Before  we  go  to  by— by,  buy. 

How  cowardioe  and  guilt  and  shame 

Leap  to  perdition  'ere  tbev  bok ! 
Thft  Butcher  thus  augments  his  blame. 

By  inculpation  of  the  cook. 
Of  (feoenoy  how  blunt  the  sense. 

When  to  a  charge  the  sole  reply 
Is  owning  to  a  fresh  offence, 

We  had  not  thought  of  by-the  bye. 

Oblivion's  gulf  shall  open  wide ; 

An  overflow  from  Lethe's  tanks 
Under  a  deep  obscure  shall  hide 

Our  Butcher's  bng  ftrrear  of  pranks. 
Fair  prices  let  him  cHarge  alone. 

From  him  we  Ml  take  our  whole  supply ; 
Avoiding  but  contention's  bone 

In  every  joint  we  buy,  buy,  boy. 


Ktcratlon  of  Fair  and  Fowl. 

Tmi  suMrabondanoe  of  those  dear  creatures,  of  whom  it  is  hard  to 
oonoeive  that  there  ooukl  be  too  many,  namely,  our  female  population, 
being  discussed  at  a  modeimte  tea<party,  a  mud  wag  present  predictea 
that  there  would  bo  a  migration  of  the  Ducks.  Wocreupon  another 
WBK  of  a  bitterer  tun,  remained  that  it  would  be  better  u  there  wen 
a  mlfraUon  of  the  ' 


The  Buke  of  Xarlborongh'a  Example. 

Thb  Great  Dtru  or  Mablboiovoh,  throng  the  Putt,  AddreaMt 
Sd>nit  HxaBKaT  on  his  Emigration  Soheme.  To  the  which,  he,  the 
mighty  Duke,  "  deoUnee  to  lend  the  influence  of  his  example."  Fcom  hu 
Qraoe^B  anteoedenU,  nobody  could  have  expected  hm,  to^  N»thiiw ; 
but  it  is  a  iitUe  oh)ee,  even  for  a  ICaaLBoioiTaB^  refua  to  ".tad'^a 
matter  of  each  inooBoeiTable  ■msllncw  aa  hie  Qnmri 


I 

I 


I 


I 


OB  THE  TflLlBUtATIOKS  0»  A  GBNTLEUA>I  IN  SBARCU  OP  A  MAN  REttVAKT. 

BPORE  my  wife's  dear  mother.  Mrs.  Captaxu  Bdoob, 
c«itie  to  live  with  ns, — whiclk  sbn  did  on  occasion  of 
the  birth  of  our  darling  third  child,  Albkbt,  named 
in  conipUment  to  a  Gracious  Pi  incp.  and  now  Mvcn- 
aod-a-bulf  years  of  age — our  eetablislinient  waa  in 
ratiirr  wiiat  you  call  a  small  way,  and  we  only  had 
female  servants  in  our  kitchen. 
I  liked  them,  I  own.  I  like  to  be  waited  on  hy  a 
neat-handed  PniLua  of  a  parlour-maid,  ina  nice-tiMioR  gown,  and  a  pink 
ribbon  to  her  cap :  and  I  do  not  care  to  deny  that  1  liked  to  have  my  par- 
lour-maidagood  looking.  Notfor  any  reaaon  h\ich&3j>tiIoujy  miohisuffgeH 
— such  reasons  I  scorn;  bu'.ae,  for  a  continuance  and  for  a  lianijlesa  recre- 
ation and  enjoyment.  I  would  much  rather  look  out  on  a  preltv  view  of 
green  fields  and  a  shining  river,  from  my  drawing-room  window,  than 
upon  a  blauk  wall,  or  an  oU-clolheiircan's  shop:  bo  I  am  free  to 
confess  I  would  choosfi  for  preference  a  brisk,  rosy,  good-natured, 
smiling  lass,  'oimtmy  dinn-r  and  tea  before  me  onthelaDle,  ratlierthan 
a  crooked,  blact-TiiuMled  fnmp^  with  a  dirty  cap  and  bhick  hands.  I 
»ay  I  Idle  to  have  nice-looking  iicoplc  about  nie ;  and  when  1  used  to 
chuck  my  Anna  Mabu  under  ihc  chin,  and  aay  thai  was  one  of  the 
reasons  for  which  1  niiirrird  her,  I  warrant  you  Mlis.  H.  was  not 
offended;  and  so  she  let  nie  have  my  harmless  way  about  the  parlour* 
maids.  Sir,  the  only  way  in  which  we  lost  our  girU  iu  our  early  days, 
was  by  marriage.  One  married  the  baker,  aod  gives  my  bov,  Ai.bkrt, 
gingerbread,  whenever  he  ijusaes  her  shop:  one  became  tnc  wife  of 
PoUeeroan  i,  who  dia'inguiflhcd  himself  by  having  his  nose  broken  in 
the  Chartist  riots:  and  a  third  is  almost  a  lady,  keeping  heroue-hoiBe 
carriage,  and  being  wife  to  a  carpenter  nnd  builder. 

Well.  MiS.  Captain  Budge,  Mbs.  II.'s  mother,  or  "  Mamma,"  as 
she  insists  that  1  shoidd  call  her,  and  I  do  so,  for  it  pleases  her  worm 
and  affectionate  nature,  came  to  stop  for  a  few  weeks,  on  the  occasion 
of  our  darling  Albbut's  birth,  ohhq  domini  1312 ;  and  the  ciiHd  and  its 
mother  being  delicate,  Mrs.  Captain  B.  staid  to  nutse  them  both, 
and  so  has  remained  with  us,  occupying  the  room  which  used  to  be  nty 
study  and  drrssing-room  ever  sinre.  When  she  came  to  us,  wo  may 
be  said  to  have  moved  ii  a  humb'e  sphere,  viz.,  in  Bernard  Street, 
Foundling  Hospital,  which  we  left  four  years  ago,  for  our  presen*. 
residence.  Stucco  Gardens,  Pocklington  Square.  And  up  to  the  period 
of  Mns.  Captain  B.'h  arrifal,  wo  were^  as  1  say,  waited  upon  in  the 
parlour  bv  maids,  the  rough  below-ataira*  work,  of  knife  and  shoc- 
dcaning,  heing  done  by  Gecndsell,  our  greengrocer's  third  son. 

But,  Ihuugh  Ileaven  forbid  that  I  should  say  a  word  against  my 
mother-in-law,  who  has  a  handsome  sum  to  leave,  and  vho  is  besides  a 
woman  all  self-denial,  with  her  etery  ihovgkt  for  our  good  :  yet,  I  think 
tbst.  without  Mamma,  my  wife  would  not  have  had  those  tantrums,  may 
I  call  them  of  jealousy,  which  she  never  exhibited  previously,  and  which 
she  certainly  began  to  show  very  soon  after  our  dear  kltle  scapegrace 
of  an  Albekt  was  born.  We  had  at  that  lime,  I  remember,  a  parlour 
servant,  called  Emma  Buck,  who  came  to  ua  from  the  country,  from 
a  Doctor  of  Divinity's  family,  and  who  pleased  my  wife  very  well  at 
firsf,  as  indeed  she  did  all  in  her  power  to  please  her.  But  on  the  very 
day  Anna  Mahia  came  down  stairs  to  the  drawing-room,  being 
brought  down  in  tliese  very  arm%  which  1  swear  brlouf;  to  as  faithful 
a  husband  as  any  in  the  City  of  London,  and  Emma  bringing  uo  her 
little  bit  of  dinner  on  a  tray,  I  observed  Ann\  Makia's  eyes  look  un- 
common ravage  at  the  poor  girl,  Mna.  Captain  B-  looking  away  the 
whole  time,  on  to  whose  neck  my  wife  plunged  herself  as  soon  as  the 
girl  had  left  the  room;  bursling  out  into  tears,  and  calUog  somebody 
A  viper. 

"Hullo  1 "  savs  I,  "  my  beloved,  what  is  the  matter  ?  Where  's  the 
viper?  I  didn't  know  there  were  any  in  Bernard  Street,"  (for  I  thought 
she  might  he  nervous  st  bl,  and  wished  to  turn  off  the  thing,  whatever  it 
mijrht  be,  with  a  pleasantry).  "  Who  is  the  seruent  P " 

— That— that  woman,"  gurgles  out  Mrs.  H.,  sobbing  on  Mamma's 
shoulder,  and  Mbs.  Captain  B.  scowling  sadly  at  me  over  her  daughter. 
"What,  KmmaP"  I  Oikcd,  in  astonishment;  for  the  girl  had  been 
uncommonly  attentive  to  her  mistress,  making  her  gruels  and  thing!*, 
and  sitting  up  with  her,  besides  tending  my  eldest  daughter,  Emily, 
tlirough  the  scarlet  fever. 

*'  Ehka  I  don't  say  Euma  in  that  cruel  audacious  way,  Mabkaduus 
— Mb.  Ho— o — obbon,"  says  my  wife,  (for  such  are  my  two  names  as 
iven  me  by  my  godfathers  and  my  fathers).  "You  call  the  creature  by 
er  christian  name  before  mv  very  face  I  " 

"Oh,  HoBsoN,  Hobsoh!''  says  Mb5.  Captain  B.,waggir.g  her  head. 
"  Confound  it " — ("  Don't  swear,"  says  Mamma) — '*  Confound  it,  my 
love,"  says  I,  stamping  my  foot,  "you  wouldn't  have  me  call  the  girl 
BuCL.  Buck,  as  if  she  was  a  rabbit?  She's  the  best  girl  that  ever 
was:  she  nursed  EMiLTthro\igh  the  fever;  she  has  been  attentive  to 
you :  she  is  always  up  when  you  want  her—" 

"  Yes  ;  and  when  jfou-iM-oo  come  horns  from  ike  club,  MAiuLLDtTKe." 
my  wife  shrieks  out,  and  falli  again  on  Munma's  shoulder,  who  looks  me 


r: 


in  the  face  and  nodi  her  head  fit  to  drive  me  m^.  I  oome  home  from 
the  club,  indeed !  Wasn't  I  forbidden  to  see  Avva  Ma&u  ?  Waant 
I  turned  away  a  hundred  times  from  my  wife's  door  by  Mamma 
herself,  and  could  1  &it  alone  in  the  dining-room,  (for  my  eldest  two.  a 
boy  and  girl,  were  at  school,)— alone  in  the  dming-room,  where  /m/ 
very  Emka  would  have  had  to  wait  upon  me  I 

Not  one  morsel  of  chicken  would  Anna  Maria  eat.  (She  said  she 
dared  to  say  that  woman  would  poison  the  egg-sauce.)  She  had  hys- 
terical laughter  and  tears,  and  was  in  a  highly  nervous  state,  a  state  as 
dangerous  for  the  mother  as  for  Ibe  darling  baby  Mifl,  Captaim  B. 
remarked  justtr ;  and  I  was  of  course  a  good  deal  alarmed,  and  sent,  or 
rather  went  off.  for  BoKEii,  oirr  medical  man.  Boker  saw  hia  interest- 
ing patient,  said  that  her  nerves  were  highly  excited,  that  she  must  at  all 
socnlices  be  kept  quiet,  and  corroborated  Mrs  Caitain  B.'s  opinion  in 
every  particular.  As  we  walked  down  stairs  I  guve  hiui  a  hint  of  what 
was  the  niatter,  at  the  same  time  requesting  him  to  step  into  the  book- 
parlour,  and  there  see  me  take  an  affidavit  that  I  was  as  iimocent  as  the 
htessed  baby  just  bora,  and  named  but  three  days  before  after  his  Koyal 
Highness  the  Prince. 

"1  know,  I  know  my  good  fellow,"  says  Bokeb.  iwking  me  in  the 
side,  (lor  he  has  a  good  deal  of  fun,)  "  that  you  are  innocent.  Of  course 
you  arc  innocent.  Evrr>l)ody  is,  you  sly  dog.  But  what  of  thai.  ?  The 
two  women  have  taken  it  into  their  heads  to  be  jr nlousof  your  maid — tod 
an  uncommonly  prelt  v  girl  she  is  too,  HoBsON,  you  sly  rogue,  vou.  And 
were  she  a  Vestal  Virgin,  the  girl  must  go  if  you  waul  to  Lave  any 
peace  in  the  house  *  if  you  want  your  wife  and  the  little  one  to  thrive 
—if  you  want  to  nave  a  quiet  house  and  family.  And  if  you  do," 
»ay8  BoK£R,  looking  me  in  the  face  hard,  "though  it  is  against  my 
own  interest,  will  you  let  me  give  you  a  bit  of  advice,  old  boy  ?  " 

We  had  been  bred  up  at  Merchant  Tailors*  together,  and  had  Hoked 
each  otlier  often  and  olten,  so  of  course  1  let  him  speak. 

"  Well  then,"  says  he,  "  Uou,  my  boy.  get  rid  of  the  old  dragon— 
the  old  Mother-in-law.  She  meddles  with  my  t>re8Ciiplions  for  your 
wife;  she  doctors  the  infant  in  private:  you  Ml  never  have  a  quiet 
bouse  or  a  tiuiet  wife  as  long  as  that  old  Catamaran  is  here." 

"  Boxer,  '  says  I.  "  Mrs.  Captain  Bcdge  is  a  lady  who  must  not 
at  leost  in  mv  house  be  called  a  Catamaran.  She  hss  seven  thousand 
pounds  in  toe  funds,  and  always  says  Anna  Maria  is  her  favourite 
I  daughter"  And  so  we  parted,  not  on  the  best  of  terms,  for  I  did  not 
'  like  Mamma  to  be  spoken  of  disrcfipectfulty  by  any  man. 
{  What  was  the  upshot  of  this?  When  Mamma  heard  from  Amna 
I  Maria  (who  weakly  told  her  what  I  had  let  slip  laughing,  and  in  con- 
fidence to  my  wife)  that  Boker  had  called  her  a  Catamaran,  of  course 
1  she  went  up  to  pack  her  trunks,  and  of  course  we  apologised,  and  took 
I  another  medical  man.  And  as  for  Emsia  Buck,  there  was  nothing  for 
lit  but  that  she  poor  girl,  should  go  to  the  right  about;  my  little 
:  Emiiy.  then  a  child  of  ten  years  of  age,  crying  bitterly  at  jiariing  with 
I  her.  The  child  very  nearly  got  me  into  a  second  scrape,  for  I  gave  her 
a  sovereign  to  give  to  Emaia,  and  she  told  her  Orandmamma;  who 
would  have  related  all  to  An>'a  Maiua.  but  that  L  went  down  on  my 
knees,  and  begfred  her  not.  But  she  haa  me  in  her  power  after  that^ 
and  made  me  wince  when  she  would  say,  "  Markaduke,  have  you  aajr 
sovereigns  to  give  away  ?  "  &o. 

After  Emma  Buck  came  Mary  Blackmore,  whose  name  I  remember 
because  AIrs.  Captain  B.  called  her  Mart  Blackyuorb  (and  a  dark, 
swarthy  girl  ahe  was,  not  at  all  good-looking  in  wp  eyes).  This  poor 
Mary  Blacuiorb  was  sent  about  her  business  because  she  looked 
sweet  on  the  twopenny  postman.  Mamma  said.  And  she  knew,  no 
doubt,  for  (my  wife  beinc;  down  stairs  again  long  since)  2iAs.  fi.  saw 
everything  thst  was  passing  at  the  door,  as  she  regularly  sate  in  the 
parlour  window. 

After  Blackhobe,  came  another  girl  of  Mrs.  B.'s  own  choosing: 
own  rearing  I  may  say,  for  she  was  named  Barbara,  after  Mammi^ 
being  a  soldier's   daughter,    and   coming   from   Fortsea,   where  the 
late  Captain  Budge  was  quartered,  in  command  of  his  oompanv  of 
Marines.  Of  this  girl  Mrs.  B.  would  ask  questions  out  of  the  Calechum 
at  breakfast,  and  my  scapegrace  of  a  ToK  would  burbt  out  laughing  at 
her  blundering  ans  vent.  But  from  a  demurs  country  Uss,  as  she  was  when 
she  came  to  us,  3tli&s  Barbara  very  quickly  became  a  dressy  impudent- 
looking  thing;  coquetting  with  the  grocer's  and  butcher's  boys,  and 
wearing  silk-gowns  and  ilowera  in  her  bonnet  when  she  went  to  church 
I  on  Sunday  evenings,  and  actually  appearing  one  day  with  her  hair  in 
bauds,  and  the  next  day  in  ringlets.  Of  course  she  was  setting  her  cap  at 
^  me.  Mamma  said,  as  I  was  the  only  gentleman  in  the  house,  though  for 
,  my  part  1  declare  1  never  saw  the  set  of  her  cap  at  all,  or  knew  if  her 
I  hair  was  straight  or  curly.     So,  in  a  word,  Bailbara  was  sent  back  to 
her  mother,  and  Mrs.  Budoe  didn't  fail  to  ask  lue  whether  I  bad  not 
a  sovereign  to  give  her  ? 

I  After  this  girl  we  had  two  or  three  more  maids,  whose  appearance  or 
history  is  not  necessary  to  particularise — the  Utter  was  uninteresting, 
I  let  it  suffice  to  say ;  the  former  grew  worse  and  worse.  I  nevt-r  saw 
'  BQch  a  woman  as  Gbuzel  Scrikgeocr,  from  Berwick-upon-Tweed, 
I  who  was  the  las^.  that  waited  on  us,  and  who  was  enough.  1  declare,  to 
curdle  the  very  milk  in  the  jag  as  she  put  it  down  to  breakfast. 
1     At  hub  the  real  aim  of  my  two  conspirators  of  women  came  oat. 


I 


j^^ik 


J 


12 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


"Mauushkx,"  Mbs.  Gaptaiv  B.  said  to  me  one  monung,  tfter  this 
^■'■'■^  bad  lirouslit  me  ul  oiuoaj  knife  to  cut  the  bread ;  "  women- 
atramu  are  tr7  vcU  in  their  wajr,  but  there  ia  always  something 
4iHVtn«ifalr  vi'Ji  them,  aniL  in  families  of  a  certain  rank,  a  num-serrant 
«aniiKA|y  v»iu  at  table.  It  is  proper :  it  is  decent  that  it  should  be  so 
in  tfaf  m-pec  able  classes :  and  m  are  of  those  classes.  In  CAFTAni 
£n»fiK's  Oicinie  ve  vrre  nerer  without  oar  groom,  and  our  tea-boy. 
Mj  dcsr  father  had  his  butler  and  coachman,  as  our  family  has  had  ever 
ihe  eonquest ;  and  though  you  are  certainly  in  business,  as  your 
>ur  relations  are  respectable :  your  grand- 
rman  in  the  west  of  England;  you  have 


bsher  was  before  ^ou.  yet  your  relations  are  respectable :  your  grand- 
father was  a  dinufied  clergyman  in  the  west  of  England;  rouhave 
eoBnecTions  both  in  the  army  and  narv,  who  are  members  of  Clubs,  and 
known  in  the  fashionable  world ;  ana,  (though  I  nerer  shall  speak  to 
that  man  again,)  remember  that  your  wife's  sister  is  married  to  a 
barrister,  who  lives  in  Oxford  Square,  and  goes  the  Western  Circuit. 
Bt  keeps  a  man-servanf.  2%^  keep  men-serrants,  and  I  do  not  like  to 
see  m/  poor  Anka  Mahu  occupying  an  inferior  position  in  society  to 
her  sister  F&£D£fiicj|,  named  after  the  Duk2  or  Yosk.  though  sbe 
was,  when  His  Koysl  Highness  reviewed  the  Marines  at  Chatham;  and 
seeing  some  empty  bottles  carried  from  the  table,  said " 

"In  mercy's  name,"  eays  I,  bursting  out,  for  when  she  came  to  this 
story  Mamma  used  to  drive  me  frantic,  "  have  a  man,  if  you  like.  Ma'am, 
and  inwe  me  a  Uttle  peatcc." 

"  lou  needn't  swear,  Mb.  Hobsov,"  she  replied  with  a  toss  of  her 
bead ;  and  when  1  went  to  business  that  day  it  was  decided  by  the 
that  our  livery  should  be  set  np. 


A  8MASH  AMONG  THE  PROTECTIONISTS. 

The  Protectionisms  are  everywhere  meeting,  but  they  are  nowhere 
meeting  with  the  sucoe^s  or  s;;mpathy  they  desire.  In  seversJ  instances 
the  accounts  of  their  gatherings  are  beaded  with  the  ominous  words 
"  Protectionist  Failurpf  and  in  many  cases  the  reports  of  their  sprecbes 
are  seasoned  with  interpolations,  far  more  "  spicy  than  complimentary. 
At  Sidifibury,  tlie  other  day,  the  first  cry  that  assailed  the  ears  of  the 

Setters  up  of  the  "Protectionist"  meeting  was,  "Three  cheers  for 
lUL  EoBEBT  Peel  !  "  and  the  chairman.  Loud  Nelson,  took  his  place 
amidst  **  much  confusion  and  riot."  His  Speech  was  interspersed  with 
allusions  to  the  price  of  corn,  which  were  met  witli  volleys  of  "chaff" 
from  his  auditors,  and  his  eloquencf,  as  (he  report  tells  us,  was  cut 
short  by  about  "twenty  fights  taking  place  umultaneomly "  in  all 
parts  of  the  building. 

The  next  speaker  was  a  Mb.  R.  P.  Long,  whose  oration  was  pnnc- 
tuated.  or  rather  brought  to  a  series  of  stops,  by  cries  of  "  Murder !" 
and  "  Police  1'*  which  mav  be  compared  to  to  many  commas,  semicolons, 
and  colons,  with  which  his  harangue  was  dotted,  until  it  wound  up 
with  a  crash  of  window?,  and  a  volley  of  stones  and  groans,  which  put 
a  full  stop  and  furnished  a  note  of  exclamation  to  his  discourse. 

We  are  disposed,  nevertheless,  to  iJatroniae  the  Protectionist  Dinners, 
for  two  reasons ;  first,  because  t  he  failure  of  the  business  part  of  the 
affair  will  in  time  convince  the  parlies  of  the  weakness  of  their  cause ; 
and  secondly,  because  good  cheer  is  of  itself  a  good  thmg :  and,  in  the 
case  of  the  Irish  farmers  especially,  the  banquets  may  relieve  some  of 
them  from  that  "lean  and  hungry  look"  which  has  so  long  disfigured 
them. 


THS  CATSBFILIiAB  AlfD  THE  BUTTEEFLT, 

(A  Y^OA) 

ToiK  caterpillan,  when  one  of  their  number,  hAving  been  bid  up  m  a 
chiysalis.  arose  as  a  butterfly,  leaving  bis  case  behind  him,  used  foiv 
merly  to  gather  np  the  exuviA,  and  deposit  them  in  the  earth  vltb  a 
prodigions  deal  of  ostentation  and  pageantry.  At  length,  howfir, 
once  upon  a  time,*  one  of  the  caterpillars  climbed  up  a  rosD>tree  into 
the  light  of  the  Sun,  when  a  batterfly  that  he  had  known  in  the 
creeping  state  came  to  sip  honey  from  the  roses.  The  oataipilhr 
related  to  the  butterfly  with  what  splendour  and  msgnifioenee  tha 
chrysalis  shell,  which  he  had  left  behmd  him,  had  been  Interted* 
Whereupon  the  butterfly,  smiling,  answered  that  he  dared  say  that  the 
caterpillars  meant  well  by  what  they  had  done,  but  that  the  honoon 
that  had  been  paid  bis  old  case  had  given  no  satisfaction  to  him,  for, 
being  now  a  butterfly,  he  eared  no  longer  for  the  mere  covering  he  had 
lived  in,  and  regarded  it  as  nothing  but  a  worn-out,  cast-off  suit.  So, 
after  this,  the  caterpiUars  put  the  chrysalis-cases  into  the  earth  without 
parade  or  unnecessary  ceremony. 

The  spirit  that  ascends  has  no  concern  with  the  senseless  relics  which 
it  leaves  below.  Cease  to  accompany  funerals  with  absurd  and  expensive 
mummery. 


«  OUR  WASHERWOMAN." 

[We  have  received  more  letters,  comphdnlng  of  Washerwoman's 
destructiveness  to  linen  in  one  week,  than  Joseph  Adt  writes  in  a 
mon  h.  We  subjoin  a  few  specimens  of  these  communications,  snd 
would  publish  more,  but  that  we  have  too  many  irons  in  the  fire  to  be 
able  to  devote  more  than  a  few  lines  to  washing-] 

"  Punch,  ut  Brick  ! 

**  I'tf  precious  glad  you've  given  a  wipe  to  the  washerwomen 
for  usinnr  bleachmg  stuff.  I  speak  feeiiDgly,  as  a  sufferer  by  it.  Bought 
the  other  day  half-a-dozen  bailet-girl  euiris;  regular  stunners,  spi^, 

Erime.    When  they  canie  back,  first  time,  from  the  wash,  they  all  tore 
ke  tinder,  and  every  blessed  aatuetue  had  dis^peared,  as  also  bad  the 
distinguished  and  illustrious  name  of  *(  Cutaiono." 

"  Dbae  Mb.  Punch, 

*'  Albeast  have  Williax  and  I.  though  scarcely  a  month 
united,  begun  to  experience  the  cares  of  life.  The  washerwoman  has 
just  sent  home  all  our  new  linen,  but  oh  !  in  such  a  state.  It  crumbles 
to  pieces  almost  with  a  touc'i.  We  must  replace  tlie  whole  of  it:  and 
as  our  means  are  slender,  I  must  go  without  the  new  bonnet.  I  know 
our  things  have  all  been  mined  by  that  bleaching  powder.  Oh !  those 
horrid  old  washerwomen.  I  am  almost  wicked  enough  to  wish  them 
boiled  in  their  own  coppers,  and  in  the  meantime  I  hope  you  will  go 
on  roasting  them  till  they  discontinue  the  tricks  which  have  destroyed 
the  linen,  and  embittered  the  happiness  shared  with  an  idFeclionate, 
though  almost  shirtless  husband,  by  «  Coluhba  Tubtls  " 


"  To  TUB  Editoe  op  Pukch,— Sib, 

"  Feom  lime  immemorial,  until  recently,  we  were  employed 
exclusively — except  an  occasional  recourse  to  Pearjash — by  wssher- 
wotiitn.  Linen  and  woollen  fabrics  were  thoroughly  cleansed  by  us 
wii  bout  b^ing  injured  in  the  least.  We  are  now  almost  beaten  out  of 
the  Tub  by  a  compound  of  iniquity,  which  imparts  whiteness  with  a 
fa^a]  fadlit.y,  but  in  an  equal  ratio  effects  destmotioiL  We  are  willing 
that  this  p«Tniciou8  agent  should  be  resorted  to  in  the  case  of  those 
wbo  mtanly  dsbble  in  slops;  but  for  all  who  bu^fair  linen  we  claim 
th«  benefit  of  our  honest  serrioes  in  our  conjoint  capacity  of  suds. 

"  Your  servants  to  command, 

"  Soap  and  Watbe." 


VBAPPft  A  LA  OLACB. 

SoTBB  describes  his  accident  in  Bt.  James's  Park  as  an  "en<rie^-9k 
remore— and  then  for  dessert,  une  petite  90rre  ^mtu-devie," 


Uisa  Fauumm.  Fattsmbs  vrw  paortcrioiiWT  Dimisas. 


Thb  Bbot  TiDores.— The  High  Tide  did  not  overflow  the  litakB  of 
the  Thames,  aa  raedieted,  and  we  todk  npon  tiib  M  Mat  tiw  beit 
TidingB. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


.3- 


CHIT-CHAT    BY    TELEGRAPH. 

XT  UB  expreii  thv  greAt  delight  with  which 
we  learn  tliat  "therigh!  to  eaUbliib  im 
elect  rio  telecrapb  lioe  bctweeo  Fruce 
and  EdgUna,  bj  a  tiiib-niariae  oommuni- 
catiou  across  the  Channel,"  has  been  olH- 
cially  conceded.  Hy  the  aid  of  a  Biofcle 
wire,  and  of  two  peraons  only — one  in 
France  and  one  in  Enttland — a  mes«aa;«  of 
fifteen  words,  including  address  and  feigna- 
ture,  may  be  delivered  in  one  minute! 
»Th*-»e  wires  will,  of  course,  communicate, 
Wrt  South  Eastern  and  BouioKne  railwaj"!, 
witheith  rcApitai:  thu<t  Ijonnon  and  Paris 
maj-.  when  they  will,  Ro^ip  with  one 
another.  The  amenities  nroduced  between 
the  two  coiintne?,  bv  Inis  prac'ioe,  must 
be  of  tbr  most  rapia  growth  and  of  ihe 
widest  influence.  Let  us  give  a  few  ex- 
amples of  the  probable  questions  and  answers  put  and  answered  by 
pames,  high  and  low,  of  both  kin^rioiKS  :— 

S(.  Jamcif  to  tka  Sf^'e. 
Q   How  d'  ye  do?  Review  or  shoot  this  morning P 
J   Neither :  got  to  ba  bothered  with  Nokma.hbt.    Complimenta  to 

Foreigti  Affairs  to  rort^gn  Jffmrt, 

What  says  Tlnsiia  F 

Mtizzled. 

AuBiria? 

Mum. 
Q.  Any  arrival  from  Turkey  ?  ,      .  ^     «     .j 

A.  Yes:  magnificent  chibonquc,  and  Oircastian  ibawl  for  Prwident. 
Q    We  reduce  our  amiy  cstiiuAtrs  10,000.    Ei  pom  f 
A.  Win  think  of  it. 

W^9  in  London  to  UuMband  in  Paru, 
Q.  Smith— I   any.    Smrn.    Isn't   this   shameful  — abominable  — 
idted— 

A.  My  life,  what  is  tbo  matter? 

Q.  Oh,  it 's  just  like  you  men.    Been  gone  ten  days,  and  you  said— 
A.  My  ilear,  hus'neBB.    Do  you  think  anything  but  bus'ness  could— 
Q.  DouV,  talk  f.o  me !     I  wonder  you  can  show  your  face— I— 
A.  Now,  \\i)'  lore — 

Q   r>ouH  "  love  "  me,  and  the  clerk  here  lauyliing— 
A.  Well,  woman,  what  do  you  want  ?    This  15  the  last  I  Ml  listen  to. 

S.  Woman,  indeed  !  Want— well,  1  w»nt— but  you  know  what,  I  want. 
Hi>w  CAB  I  tell  »    Now,  this  is  the  last  'ime. 

Q,  I  want  to  know  where 's  the  key  of  t  he  money-box ;  here  yon  've 
gont!  and  left  me — 

A.  In  my  desk— spring-drawer— right.    Don't  be  extravagant, 

Q.  Extravagant !  Here,  you  oau  go  and  spetnd— now,  SirtTH — my 
love — 

A.  Well :  this  is  the  list. 

Q,  Mind  you  're  not  c^ieated,  darling;  Lake  care  that  the  laoe  is  real 
VrJpncirnnes. 

A,  All  riKht. 

Q.  Make  haste  home.    I  blow  you— you  know  what. 

Tail  r  in  London  to  Ikbtor  in  Parii. 

Q.  You  call  yourwlf  a  gentleman? 

A.  Certainly.    Gmtlrnmn  at  large.     Ha!  ha! 

Q.  And  I  dare  sav,  sou  think  you've  done  meP 

A.  Hope  so.    England  expects  every  man  to  do  Ms  tailor. 

Q.  One  word,  do  you  ever  intend  to  pay  me  ? 

J.  . (A  line,  hnt  no  answer.) 

Lumber  Trooper  to  a  National  Gnard. 
Q.  I  aay,  old  chap,  wbon  are  you  coming  over  P 
A.  In  de  spring. 
Q.  Bring  III '  old  woman  and  the  young  una? 

Q.  Th4t*»  all  riuht— won't  we  be  joUy  P 

A.  Wc  shall.  Adi^u,  Oon  enfttiit.  Srmtnirt  a  madame.  riee  roai  bif 
ti  botelporethr  f 

ERgtiah  Dramatist  to  Cot^denttat  Corrospondmt. 

Q  How  has  I  he  pifCc  gone  ? 

A,  Made  quite  nftiratr, 

Q   Do  for  us  ?    Anythiag  availfcble  ? 

A.  Nothing  brtt<r.  Celrste— Wkiobt— WooLOAtt— all  can  be 
nactt  Vonuy  bishop  for  Bju>i'OKU— and  conscicooc-ttrickea  cala'-meat 
man  for  0.  SintH. 


O^AU  right 


Translate  in  train,  and  give  MS.  to  Captain  of  Prinrets 


These  are  a  very  few,  and  very  meagre,  samples  of  the  international 
information  that  will  tremUe  along  the  wires  through  •'-  '■ — ^i  of 
Neftuke;  who,  by  the  way.  according  to  the  song,  <  VuL- 

c&n's  thunder,  hut  afterwaras — it  being  of  no  use  to  h'  <ie  a 

present  of  the  bolts  to  BBiraifTfiA.  However  Nrptuns  may  have 
failed  with  the  thunder,  there  is  bttle  doubt  that  h«  «ill  sucoaed 
admirably  with  the  lightning. 


THE  THREATENED  INUNDATION. 

ToK  aUrmists  of  the  public  press  sacoeeAed,  about  a  week  ag«,  in 
throwing  us  into  a  state  of  the  most  horrible  consternation,  at  the 
prospect  of  Father  Thames  bcini^  attout  to  take  a  sort  of  S«tiiniitie 
turn,  and  gobble  up  a  number  of  his  oiiildren.  W^*  wer-  told  t hnt  bis 
swelling  bosom  was  ahorily  to  give  way  with  ate:-  t  Nature  ; 

and  those  who  did  not  consider  themselvas  born  U  i,  began  to 

prepare  very  ^erloubly  for  the  popular  alternative  0'   iroH-mng. 

In  the  kitchens  sou'hot  the  nver'a  bimk*.  wR^hrng-lubs  bad  been 
launched,  and  tin  fwl-pan"  w*"--^  KI-at  -.i  (inchor.  with  a  vicv  '"  "" 
ridipg  out  uf  the  inundn'  \  place:  and  cki 

wei«  in  readiness  to  enab  ^  of  a  Louse  to  1 

liigh'borse  in  the  event  o(  »ii>-l>  u  luuiit'  oi  freU-pre^ervntiou  Itaving 
been  renuired.  The  kitciien-drrsisers  had  been  laid  out  as  a  reef  of 
rocks,  wnere  small  articles  couM  be  deposited  high  and  dry  instead  of 
being  left  to  take  their  chance  on  the  ground,  ni>d  every  prudent  housc- 
nuiidTs'OWBd  sway  the  coutenta  of  lier  worV-*'a.sket. 

To  the  relief  ot  the  expected  Acydf^/^  nud  tho  discomfiture  of  the 
penny-a-liners,  the  inundation  did  not  come  off,  and  the  whule  thing 
remained  almost  as  imagmary  as  a  theatrical  overflow.  Wiien  we  last 
made  OUT  entjuiryon  ttie  fcubjeci,  Father  Thames  was  reported  to  be 
ooufined  10  bis  bed,  where  he  is  expected  to  remain  for  the  present. 


rilK   CUW    una  TU£   lUON    UJI* 


ODD  RAT  IT. 

Wb  may  well  say  "  Odd  Bat  i',"  when  we  hear  how  mnch  better  they 
still  manage  some  things  in  France,  for  we  find  the  scavengers  of  Pans 
have  lately  been  dininfj  together,  to  celehratflihedcetruciioiiof  G0O,(JOO 
rats  in  the  French  capital.  We  wish  the  scavengers  of  London  would 
enter  into  a  treatj  to  exterminate  the  rats,  and  we  ourselves  would  see 
it  properly  ra  ificd.  Mort  awe  ratt  wa*  one  of  the  loasti  at  the 
banquet,  which  terniina'ed  with  a  grand  chorus  to  the  air  of  the  cele- 
brated lUt  a-plan  in  Li  Fxglia.  It  is  much  to  be  regretted  that  the 
Uriti-'h  scavengcni.  aa  a  body,  do  not  unite  their  energirs  for  the  destnio- 
t ion  of  those  veruiin  by  wliom  we  are  so  frequently  undf-rmined  in  a 
political,  as  well  as  in  a  social  senses,  and  tbera  is  no  doubt  we  are  called 
upon  by  a  loud  rat-»-tat  at  our  doora  to  get  rid  of  the  erU. 


I 

: 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


PLEASURES     OF     HORSEKEEPINO. 


I 

II 


Bf/  the  time  Mr,  Briggs'n  Horse  (which  suits  hhn  exactly)  has  recovered  from  his  cold,  a  long  frost  sets  in. 
Oroom.  "That's  just  wkat  1  sat,  Sib;  it  is  aggehavatin*  to  peh  a  vict,  Oss  ukb  that,  Sib,  a  doiw'  norinK*  but  xati3v* 

UIS  ED    OFF  !  " 


THE  NEEDLEWOMEN'S  FAKEWELL. 


Tin  put  looms  dark  behind  us,  the  future  risf  s  fair, 

Tlioitgli  ne'er  so  bleak  the  shore  we  serk,  acroes  this  wwte  of  Wafers ; 
Hxrcl  atep-niotlier,  0  Eagland,  and  niuiErard  of  thy  care, 

6*.ill  bast  thou  been,  great  ]»Und  Queen,  to  us  tlif  hapless  daugfatcn ! 

As  to  the  Tesael'a  aide  we  throng  to  look  our  last  at  ihe«, 
Each  sunken  eye  is  dead  and  dry — what  cause  have  we  for  weeping  ? 

We  IcaTe  no  homes  behind  us,  no  hou»e!'oId  ties  had  we; 
In  one  long  coil  of  heavy  toil  our  hours  went  creeping — creeping. 

We  hawked  about  thy  stony  streets  what  skill  we  could  command; 

For  work  we  prayed,  if  so  but  bread  might  to  our  need  be  granted  ; 
And  in  a  wolfiah  struggle  each  wan  and  waited  hand 

Clutched  at  the  pay,  that  waned  eacli  day  as  waied  the  crowd  tbat 
wanted. 

And  so  we  strore  with  straining  eyes,  in  squalid  rooms,  and  chill ; 
The  needle  plied  until  we  died— or  worse — oh,  Heaven,  have  pity  !— 

Thou  knowest  how  'twaa  oftener  for  want  we  sinned,  than  will- 
Ob,  nights  of  pain  and  sharueful  gain,  about  the  darkling  city ! 


Body  and  soul  we  gate  for  food,  nor  yet  could  wc  be  fed ; 

Blear-eyed  or  bliud,   we  pored  and  pined,  and  ballled  like  our 
neighbours ; 
And  the  oity  roared  about  us,  and  over  each  weak  head 

Washed  iho  wild  wares,  till  in  our  graves  we  rested  from  our  labours. 

Till  came  among  us  eyes  and  pens,  and  to  a  wondering  world, 
That  gathered  paly  to  hear  the  tale,  revealed  in  port  our  story; 

Then  hopes  from  out  the  darkness  were  on  sad  eyes  unfurled,— 
To  those  whose  aid  our  suffering  stayed  be  honour  and  be  glory. 

Now  speed  thee,  good  ship,  over  sea,  and  bear  us  far  away. 
Where  food  to  cat,  and  friends  to  greet,  aud  work  to  do  await  us— 

Where  against  Imnger's  tempting  we  shall  not  need  to  pray- 
Where  in  wedlock's  tie,  not  harlotry,  we  shall  find  men  to  mate  us. 

Lift  up  your  hearts,  my  sisters !  and  to  the  fresh  sea  air. 
Oh  wan  and  weak,  give  each  pale  cheek,  till  it  forget  its  sorrow  : 

Our  yesterdays  were  gloomy — but  our  to-day  is  bright  and  fair — 
And  loving  powers  will  guide  the  liours  of  our  uiioerta.in  morrow. 


I 


How  TO  POUOT  A  YoWiO  AIaw.— We  read  in  a  Sheffield  paper 
that  "the  last  polish  to  a  piece  of  cutlery  is  given  bribe  hand  of 
vomau."  The  same  may  be  said  of  human  cutlery:  that  "the  last 
polish  to  a  young  blade  is  giren  by  his  mixing  with  female 
society/* 


The  Wiees  op  Bbotiixehood.— It  sppean  from  a  paragraph  in 
the  Standard  that  an  electric  telegraph  between  Prance  and  Eugland 
is  about  to  he  efllahllshed  in  goo*!  earnest.  We  confidently  hope  that 
international  good  freliog  will  prore  the  ooatinoaUy  augmenting  rMult 
of  this  entente  electriqng. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


17 


SCENES  rBOM  THE  LIFE  OF  AN  UNPROTECTED 
FEMALE. 

ScinB  10.^^//  ih  tca^  io  the  Bank.  Ja  ike  Srtne  fiperat,  the  Uhtio- 
TBCTKD  FuMAUK  haa  ffot  tctU  Over  the  Charing  Orou  Ctotnmg,  and 
imiup  re/i^ced  the  Iriik  hanaljf  at  the  Bakfff^i  thop,  »tarii  on  her 

esf.eJitioii  to  draw  her  dhidendt. 

Unprotected  Frmale  (thtmJ^g).  I  wonder  if  I  had  better  take  a  oabl* 
I  'm  sure,  if  I  do,  ihey  'II  impose  upon  me.    And  I  *U  never  ride  in  one 
of  those  nuljr  omnibu&es  affaio,  as  loug  M  I  lire.     IJn  Omttihiti  pateea, 
Omnibut  (ktd.^  Bank  P  Bank  f 

UKprotteted  Femafe  {is  tempted).  It  u  a  long  walk  (ca«aM)»  and  I  'm 
not  quite  sure  I  know  the  vay,  after  St.  Paul's  Churohyard. 

[SAe  makee  a  step  toicardt  the  OniHtbue. 
CadUeiui  heir  and  attempt*  to  put  herirti/jf/oire).  'Ereyounre,  Mum. 
Unprotected  Female  (outrpged  and  draiciwg  back).  No — don't,  hjru — 
do— I VQ*  c'^'infr.  but  I  8ban:t.    There ! 

[She  dedet  him  with  a  look,  supported  Ifji  the  conttiousne*»  f^f  a  neigh- 
l/onring  Policeman. 
Cad  (Jumping  back  to  his  footboard).  Go  MonR,  Sairc/. 

l^lfinks  at  llNpROTEirrED  FeuiOif.  andis  whirled  off". 
UnproterJed  Feamle  isuddenlp  clasping  her  hands).  Oh,  my  buff  !  i  Tifns 
$hort  round,  and  attemvts  to  make  head  ttgainst  the  Hiiand  Jttream  emt- 
teard^.)     Ob  !  tSAe  is  bumped  by  a  clerk  )     Do.  please  t  (She  is  jostled  l/ff 
a  newabvy.)  Ob.  let  nie  I    iji^e  is  all  but  cmshed  by  a  porter  with  a  chest 
<f  drawers.)  Alt— thask  goodnrss !  (She  has  by  this  time  been  htutledittto 
the  human  tideway  weitwardSj  and  it  swept  back  to  the  Baker' $  thop^ 
which  the  enters,  startling  the  bun-eater*  by  her  agonised  manHer.)    Ou, 
)jlea«e,  not  five  luinutes  niuce,  witb  t  be  poor  IrisU  Ituiiilj^,  ou  the  counter, 
without  shoes  and  stocking,  in  a  black  bag — 
Baker^i  Man  {bewildered).  Family  ou  tbe  counter,  Ma'am  ? 
Unprotected  Female,  Ob!  iiideedl  leftit.nrniypocke^'sbeenpicked  since. 
Zfa-fcfr** /^rf^.  Tbe ba^,  WiLiJAM,  tbe ladv  left.    Here,  Ma'am.    {Tie 
bag  IS  produced.)    Pray  lee  the  money  *b  rigut. 
Unprotected  Ftmate.  Ob, ! hank  you. 
[£n/,  hugging  her  bag,  and  commits  kene\f  once  more  to  the  dangera 
if  the  Strand. 
Iwo  small  and  eery  naked  Befgars  (wilh  very  red  feet).  OU— pi— 4— I— 
ease  m'm — 'apeimy  to  buy  a  bit  o*  bread.    Oii— h— h — h  ! 

IH^ilh  a  tery  artistic  and jrrolonged  shake. 
Unprotected  Female,  Oh,  you  wicked  little  impostors,  bow  can  you  F 
Poor  thinn  !    There ! 

Iffitn  uncontrollable  compassion  giva  them  eome  coppera^  which  they 
carry  to  an  elderly  lady  far  adtaneed  in  intoxication  at  the  gin- 
shop  three  doors  of. 
Dog  Beater  {wUk  a  Scotch  terrier  under  one  arm,  and  a  poodle  under 
the  other.    In  a  mysterious  whisper).    Vant  a  dnrg,  Marm  P  outanout 
Ifldv'a  dorfr,  Marm,  sveet  aa  a  nu^and  vont  getbisself  prigged,  Marm  1* 
Unprotected  Female.  Get  away,  cfo — 1  don't  waul  any. 

[She  is  brought  to  a  atand  by  a  ecalwaggon  slowly  deHling  from  a 

cross  Btreet. 

Reduced  Young  Man  {in  black,  with  dcjecttd  countenance,  and  white 

neckrluth.    In  a  very  coMjiJen/iat  and  Jluent  manner).  Purcbase-ar small* 

articleof-myowu-nianulttcturc-Mem-tbe-Blx-sided- razor -strop- wich-it- 

keeps-your-razors-ue»er-to-want  -^riudin-or-sett  m. 

Unprutecled  Frma/c  {in  ama:cmeni  .     I  don't  use  razors,  Sir. 
Reduced  Young  Man.  Or-a-pCDknife,-coQib.-or  pcnctl-ciwe.-wich-I-am-a- 
young-iuon-regulariy-  brcd-a  cutler  -  by-trade-aud-rcduccd-lo-dialreas-by- 
tbe-conipet  it  ion-of- machine  ry. 

IFrotntdea  cloae  io  the  face  of  the  UiipaoTKCTED  FsktaLK  a  ehccaus 
defrise  of  cheap  cutlery. 
Unprotected  Female  (in  horror  at  the  numeront  bladea).  Ob,  take  Vm 
away,  do;  and  go  away  this  instant,  or  I'll  call  the   police.    {The 
WOf^n  haspassed.)    Now  1  Ibink  1  oan  get  over. 

[AmAm  across  the  street  with  unnecessary  haste,   nearly  upsetting 

herself  and  several  othcra.     r^#  Reduced  Youug  Man  trips 

closely  itfter  her. 

Reduced  Yow^g  Man.  Wich-I-Bve-not-now-tasted-food-for-three-days- 

andquite-insuffioieut-to-  support-  life-and-aahfuued  -  to*  ruention  •  my-<us- 

tress'to-kind-Cbnstian'fricndif'hut-uDger-is-a'ibarp-thoni. 

Unprotected  Female,  Oh !  1  '11  buy  you  some  bread.    Stop— bcrc  's 
a  Mendicity  ticket.  \Uffen  one. 

Reduced  Young  Mom  {with  a  sudden  change  qf  look  and  tone).  Ob, 
blow  that,  you  old  ihikater— none  o'  yer  akilly  tickets  for  me. 

IRetires  inorofomid  disgust. 
Unprotected  Female  {bitterly).  Ob,  I've  a  good  mind  to  give  you  in 
charge,  imposinff  upon  people. 

iShe  M  suddenly  arrested  by  the  tableau  t^  the  Oi,n  EsTABLlSHro 

Decbkt  Widow  with  the  Ttcins,  in  ine  white  cap.i,  very  neatly 

made  up  for  the  furlorn  and  broien  hearted  business  under  the 

railingn  ai  St,  JJuNstan's. 

Unprotected  FemaJe.  Ob,  what  loveljr  babiea!— Ob.  you  shoiddn't  sit 

Uiore  in  tbe  cold  1  poor  woman— 


Old  Established  Widow  with  Twins  [nghs  heavily).  Ah— b— h ! 
[Osf^  her  eyes  up  to  heaven  and  then  down  to  the  Twins,  who  dot^t 
exactlymatch,  having  been  hired  from  different  babytstablishmenis. 
Unprotected  Female  (gives  a  shilling).  Buy  sonie  warm  fiumel  for 'em 
— dn — poor  tbingn — how  sweetly  they  arc  sleeping ! 

Old  islablished  Jfidow  (in  a  voice  rather  husky  from  gin).  Oh,  the 
blessina  of  the  widdcr  and  tbe  fatherless.  Mum. 

[JFeeps  into  the  Twins*  fares,  causing  them  to  sneeze  in  spite  of  the 
soothing  ir^Jluenre  (^  GoDruKY. 
Unprotected  Female  {continues  her  walk).  It 's  dreadful  to  think  on  tbe 
distress  one  sees,  I'm  sure,  betides  all  the  impostors.    {She  has  now  got 
to  Farringdon  Street.)    How  ever  am  I  to  get  over  there ! 

[She  pauses  ia  diemay, 
I      Dreadful  Object  {who  is  lying  crouched  with  mucJk  art,  with  bare  feei, 
pale  face,  white  nightcap  vulled  very  low  down   and  large  nakad  shoulder 
I  coming  through  a  hole  in  his  tight  wuittcoaf).  Ob— b— b—        [Shudders. 
I      Unprotected  Female  (perceiving  him).  lj|;h  1   poor  creature !   in  this 
dre&tlful  cold  weather  too  !  {Reads  the  sereeve,  or  inscription  on  thefiags.) 
"Starving— no  home— no  friends."    Oh,  it's  dreadful!     Here,  poor 
boy  {gices  him  sixpence),  got  up,  do,  and  go  and  apply  at  tbe  work-house. 
They  must  take  you  in,  you  know.    Mb.  JuNia  told  nte  so. 
Jjreadfnl  Object.  Ob,  I  cau't  walk,  I  'm  so  wi-ak.  Mum. 
[Groans,  and  subsides  agatn  With  his  face  to  the  wall,  and  his  bare  soles 
and  shoulder  well  diaotayed. 
Unprvtecfed  Female.  Ub.  tnen,  you  must  be  supported.     Here's  a 
policenian  coming;  I'll  ask  him  to  take  you. 

th-endful  Object  {supematurally  recovering  himself).  A  crusher  1  rere  P 
'  Olloh  1 

1         [Picks  himself  up  very   vigorously,  and   bolls  down  Farringdon 
!  Street  at  the  rate  <^  seven  miles  an  hour. 

Unprotected  Female  (j$lmt*st giving  way  to  tears).  Ob,  there's  anolber 

iQiposior !    What  m  a  woman  to  do  7    I  must  talk  to  Mk.  JuKuontho 

j  subjpot..    He 's  to  meet  mo  at  tbe  Bank  at  two.    (SI-  Font's  strikes 

I  "  two.")    Kb  P  I  declare  it 's  striking ;  I  must  get  a  cab,  or  I  shall  be 

too  late.    Here,  hoy  1 

[Iloids  up  her  umbrella.  A  rush  of  cabs  from  the  Stand.  She  is 
surrounded  by  cabmen  and  Jiereely  contended  for.  The  ScEKl 
closes  as  the  is  borne  off  in  triumph  by  the  succea^ul  eombataiU, 


THE  ENTHUSIASTIC  BOYEE. 


ABLY  last  week,  M.  Soyek— warm  from  the  Reform 

Club  kitchen— was  enjoying  bis  skat«  in  St. 
James's  Park.  Having  laid  out  aa  imaginary 
dinner  for  a  hundred  upon  the  ioo,  be  boldly 
skated  to  the  thiuneat  place,  and  went  souse  into 
the  water.  Many  persona  belieTed  tbe  immer- 
aion  of  tbe  cook  to  be  the  effect  of  accident.  By 
no  means  :  with  that  enthusiasm  that  marks  and 
heightens  the  character  of  the  man,  M.  Soyer 
spontaneously  went  through  tbe  ioe  that  be  might 
arrive  at  tbe  full  knowledge  of  the  use  and  abuse 
of — dripping. 


Sin, 


JENKINS  TO  SIDNEY  HERBERT. 


I  take  tbe  license  of  addressing  you  as  a  Protectionist.  What 
do  you  meaa.  Sir,  by  sending  to  my  office,  and  asking  me  to  subscribe 
to  your  scheme  of  emigration  for  needlewomen  f  Your  Free  Tr%de  is 
the  cause  of  all  their  misery,  which,  ihongh  their  wages  were  as  low  aa 
they  are  now.  and  their  bread  was  dearer  than  at  present,  before  Peel's 
treason,  would  no  doubt  have  ceased  of  itself,  if  tbe  Com  liaws  had 
been  mnintaioed.  What  tbe  wretched  sempstresses  require  is  Pro- 
tection. You  must  defend  them  from  the  competition  of  wives,  sisters, 
and  housekeepers,  who  make  up  tbeir  husbands  ,  brothers',  and  masters 
shirts.  You  may  ask  bow  tbia  is  to  be  accompUshedF  Wait  idl  oar 
party  gets  into  power.  No  more  at  present  than  you  got  out  of 
MjLiLuiOBouou  from  "jKHtma," 

The  Hational  Ohamber    of  Horrors. 

Fbom  a  recent  letter  in  tbe  Times,  it  appears  that  tbe  widow  of 
Belxoni,  in  a  state  of  extreme  indigence,  is  anolbt-r  living  example  of 
England's  ingratitude  to  its  heroes  and  benefactors.  If  Madamb 
TiT»8Ai)u  would  get  together  all  the  effigies  of  the  nefrlected  widows 
and  orphans,  such  as  Madaxb  Bilzovi  and  Nei^n'b  daughter 
HoaATiA,  of  those  who  "  have  done  tbe  State  soiue  service,**  abemigbt 
eatabUab  another,  and  a  more  edifying,  Chamber  of  Horrora. 


18 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABI. 


THE    BANK  AND   ITS   BULLION. 

Tux  Papers  are  daily 
informing  us  of  the 
glut  of  gold  wkicU 
Eas  increased  the 
bnliioQ  in  the  Bank 
to  such  an  extent 
that  the  coffers  of 
the  establisliment 
are  crovded  to  in- 
convenience. We 
really  thiok  there 
ought  to  be  au  inti- 
mation that  "no 
more  money  will  be 
taken  at  the  doors," 
and  that  a  placard 
inscribed  "Quite 
full."  should  bo 
placed  at  all  the 
entrances.  So  great 
is  the  emharra$  det  richesset  within  the  bank,  that  the  clerks  can  scarcely 
grope  their  way  through  the  heaps  of  gold,  which  flows  in  so  fast,  tliat 
tiie^  lire  in  danger  of  being  knocked  down  by  the  force  of  the  current 
of  the  metallic  currency.  Threadneedle  Street  has,  in  fact,  been  turned 
into  a  sort  of  local  California,  and  whenever  a  customer  applies  at  the 
Bank  for  gold,  the  clerks  have  only  to  dig  up  a  shovel-fuU  from  the 
ground  about  them. 

With  a  glut  of  gold  in  the  great  National  Establishment,  a  surplus  in 
the  Eichequer,  and  money  with  which  nobody  knows  what  to  do  in 
evenbody's  pocket,  we  shall  begin  to  doubt  the  proprietv  of  financial  | 
reform,  and  to  consider  whether  the  metallic  plethora  ougut  not  to  be  \ 
relieved  by  a  little  wholesome  ex'ravagance.  At  all  events  we  mayi 
hope  that  the  abundance  of  cash  in  the  country  will  take  away  jail  excuse 
for  bad  wages,  and  that  peculiar  kind  of  economy  in  the  public  service ' 
which  leaves  large  sinecures  untouched,  and  faitening  its  clutches  on' 
the  salaries  of  the  really  working  men,  devotes  itself  to  the  reduction 
of  useful— instead  of  useless — expenditure. 


A  VICTIM  TO  LET. 

How  easT  is  it  to  dip  a  pen  in  an  ink-bottle  and  bring  out  nothing ; 
how  remarLably  easy  in  comparison  with  the  attempt  to  put  either 
hand  in  either  ^cket,  and  bnng  out  something  I  Ink  is  dirt  chnp; 
but  silver  carries  so  much  an  ounce.  These  truisms  are  everv  tuv 
shining  in  the  columns  of  the  Herald,  that  will  noi  be  comfort«a  witn 
the  domgs  of  the  Fost-Ofiice.  Tuese  truisms  are  furnished  br  certain 
correspondents  whose  pens  continually  weep,  and  whose  pockets  are 
continually  buttoned,  in  the  case  of  K  G.  Howlett,  the  postman  dis- 
charged for  distributing  bills  condemnalory  of  what  was  called  the 
desecration  of  the  Sabbath  by  the  Post-Omce  authorities.  The  man 
circulated  falsehoods,  and  did  his  best  to  create  a  revolt  amongst  his 
fellows.  He  was  thereupon — and  we  think,  very  properly — cashiered. 
However,  the  friends  of  the  Sabbath,  as  they  take  delight  to  call  them- 
selves, further  assuming,  under  the  comprehensive  distinc'ion,  rarioua 
personal  titles,  smacking  more  of  self-conceit,  than  of  modest  pie^ — 
contend  that  R.  G.  Howlett  is  a  victim.  Be  it  so.  Why  not  tnen 
succour  the  persecuted?  Why  not  recompense  the  martyr?  Why 
not  indicate  the  beauty  of  a  pious  cause,  by  aiding  and  assisting  its 
heroic  but  discomtited  champion  ?  R.  G.  Howlett  and  family  cannot 
live  upon  printer's  ink ;  whatever  their  stomachs  may  be,  they  cannot, 
for  wnolesome  food,  swallow  and  digest  the  Morni/tff  Herald,  No 
human  chyle,  however  potent,  can  turn  that  to  nutriment.  R.  G. 
Howlett  is  a  victim— but  why  should  he  continue  to  be  A  Victim 
to  Let? 

Words  of  sympathy  may  be  real,  but  there  can  be  no  mistake  in 
minted  sixpences.  "A  Fnend  to  Order"  writes  very  touchingly :  and 
if  every  line  he  writes  were  even  of  the  value  of  a  pound  of  potatos, 
nay,  of  a  single  potato,  to  tlie  cashiered  Howlett,  he  could  immedi- 
ately arrive  at  the  value  of  his  Orderiy  Friend's  compassion.  "One  in 
Earnest"  is  very  earnest  in  sentences :  but  his  earnestness  stops  short 
at  even  a  penny  loaf  in  the  matter  of  the  rejected  one.  "  An  Income- 
Tax  Payer "  suggests,  that,  in  the  matter  of  Howlett.  the  Quebk 
should  be  "appealed  to  as  Defender  of  the  Faith."  The  proposed 
suggestion  may  be  valuable ;  but  a  ton  of  coals  would  prove  a 
defender — not  to  be  mistaken  at  Howlett's  fireside — in  the  sharpness 
of  this  actual  January.  If  Howlett  could  bo  fed  upon  goosequiils,  it 
would  be  well  indeed  with  the  cashiered  postman?  Quills  are  very 
useful  instruments ;  but  why  not  send  the  poor  man  tne  price  of  a 
goose? 

If  the  feeling  against  what  was  thought  to  be,  what  will  be.  mnsl;  b^ 
and  cannot  otherwise  than  be,  the  desecration  of  the  Sabbath  1)7  Fost- 
Office  wickedness,  be  so  very  wide  and  so  very  deep— why  should  poor 
HowXKXT  be  sacrificed?  Why  should  there  not  be  a  Howlett 
testimonial?  Where  are  the  bankers,  the  merchants,,  the  solici  ors, 
the  churchmen,  who  met  and  aired  their  piety,  denouncing,  with  frothy 
indignation,  the  iniquity  of  the  Post-Office?  Where  are  these  great 
actors — these  s^ars— in  the  postal  play  of  MurA  Ado  About  Kolhinff^ 
every  man  playing  either  DogUerry  or  V^ges  ?^  Why,  gentlemen  bankers, 
merchants,  solici'ors,  and  cimrchmen,  here  is  poorjttowLETT — a  man 
after  your  own  pious  hearts— a  real  actor,  a  downriglit  striver  in  the 
cause— not  a  talker  merely — suffering  for  his  zealous  championship. 
Howlett  is  starving.  The  glass  is  below  freezing  point,  and  Howlett 
and  family  need  coals  when  up,  and  blankets  wtieu  abed.  Howlett 
is  the  child  of  your  cause— of  that  cause  that  made  your  hearts  swell  so 
highly,  and  your  brows  perspire  so  freely  when,  from  the  platform,  you 
let  flow  the  lava  of  your  eloquence  upon  the  heathenism  o^  St.  Martin's- 
jeGrand,  and  ftlt  yourselves  mightily  relieved  and  comforted  accord- 
ingly. But  here  is  no  such  glory  for  Howlett— Howlett,  like 
MoBDECAi,  sits  on  the  outer  steps,  and  HxLi^  unlike  Hahai^,  will  not 
be  hanged  for  his  iniqui'y. 

Therefore,  we  say  to  you— bankers,  merchants,  solicitors,  churchmen, 
and  all  men,  good  ana  pious,  who  renounce  CLAifBiCABOE  and  his 
doings,— take  Howlett,  and,  in  his  person,  show  to  a  backsliding 
world,  what  noble  recompence  awaits  a  some-time  martyr.  Let  a 
cottage— a  small  model  of  the  Post-Office  would  be  a  very  significant 
erection — be  straightway  built  for  Howlett  ;  let  a  joint  annuity  be 
purchased  for  Howlett  and  the  wife  of  Howlett  ;  let  Howlett's 
children  be  bestowed  in  civic  free-schools, — and  let  all  the  world,  in  the 
prosperous  condition  of  Howlett,  reco^ise  on  one  hand  the  humble 
champion  of  truth,  and  on  the  other  the  muniScent  gratitude  of  truth's 
worshippers,  the  rich  and  1  he  well-to-do.  In  this  the  Postman  would 
not  alone  be  benefitted ;  no.  it  would  be  to  UO  an  example  of  justice  to 
all  the  world,  and  not  merely  to  howl  it. 

Small,  however,  is  our  hope  of  this.  We  fear,  so  far  as  the  effectual 
assistance  of  the  bankers,  merchants,  solicitors,  apd  cliurchmen  is  con- 
cerned, R.  G.  Howlett  will  continue  as  he  is— A  Victim  to  Lei ! 

A  Oontributioik  from  Mr.  Batty. 

CAii  you  tell  me,  Sir,  what  is  t^  difference  between  TattkesaWi's  ;  Ihsaot  Peoposal.— Tde  i/brjwitf  Herald  indigumtly  4aks,  "  Why 
and  the  Wood  Pavement?    No?  Well,  then.  I 'U  tcU  you.  'don't  the  Irish  ^wwarfAr^* 

Taxtsbsaix  knocks  down  horses  in  lots,  but  the  Wood  Farement  j  Why,  were  this  permitted,  we  should  have  m($9  ^^g^  pf  ^rgUetion 
does  iflore;  it  knocks  them  up  1  jthanever. 


Thimblerig  and  Veedlerlg. 

The  united  efforts  of  the  Legislature  and  the  Police  have  almost 
completely  succeeded  in  suppressing  the  Thimblerig.  The  Needlerig, 
however,  is  carried  on  to  as  great  an  extent  as  ever,  and  will  be  effec- 
tually put  down  only  bv  the  Public 's  discouraging  it  in  ceasing  to  deal 
with  the  cheap  slop-sellers  who  victimise  the  poor  sempstresses. 

TH.^  CONSEQUENCES  OF  UNDEBTAKEBS. 

Extoetionate  Undertakers  occasion  Burial  Clubs. 
Burial  Clubs  pay  Funeral  Money. 
Funeral  Money  tempts  to  Murder. 


PUNCp,  OR  TJIB  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Id 


THE  LIGHT  OF  ALL  NATIONS. 

EAS     BROreHAM 

has  been  astoniah- 
ing  the  p!;oplc  of 
Cannes,  by  tlirow- 
ing  upon  llicm 
the  electric  Hgbt, 
at:  11  o'clock  p.m., 
from  the  (opinosl 
lower  of  Ill's  ehft- 
teau.  Whfrcver 
Loao  BnocauAM 
happens  to  be,  he 
must  establish 
binisetf  as  the 
greatest  liin deary 
of  the  neighbour- 
hood, aud  there  is 
no  Buhjec,  bow- 
"~  ever  dark,  ibat  he 

will  not  throw  a 
light  upon.  We  l)ope  that,  vben  bis  lordsbiu  comes  to  town,  be  will 
not  object  to  enlighten  London  with  rome  of  loose  powerful  rays,  which 
bo  never  fails  to  carry  about  with  him  in  that  enormous  lantboro,  bis 
mmd— whose  powers  of  leileotioa  are  almost  unlimited. 


LAST  MOMENTS  OF  THE  PALACE  COUET. 

Thz  Palace  Court  teems  to  have  died  rather  hard,  for,  after  haviog 
gone  throuffb  its  last  da;  on  Friday,  December  28lb.  it  gave  a  convulsire 

fasp,  and  had  n  few  **  more  last,  words  **  on  Monuay.  the  31st  ulUmo. 
ho  "last  eccne  of  all"  was  marked  by  rather  an  affect iog  in- 
cident, for  when  the  judge  retired  to  his  robiag-room,  be  was 
followed  by  the  attorneys,  who  expressed  a  wish  to  present  him 
with  a  festimonial. 

His  HonouTj  baring  consented  to  receive  the  proffered  coDipliment:, 
found  a  sheet  of  paper  thrust  into  bis  bandp,  with  the  thanks  of  the 
attorneys  inseribed  upon  it  in  fine  hold  text  characters.  Whether  the 
testimonial  was  cxacllv  the  kiud  of  thing  his  Honour  bad  expected,  we 
cannot  tell,  bat  be  folaed  it  to  his  bosom — or,  in  other  words,  placed  it 
in  his  breast-pocket.  He  declared  in  a  sad  tone  of  voice  that  he  had 
always  tried  to  hold  Ibe  seal  a  of  Justice  with  an  even  band,  however 
odd  the  proceedings  of  the  Court  may  have  uppc&red  to  the  public  in 
general.  The  usher  went  through  Ihe  pro-esa  ol  breaking  his  wand  in 
luiitation  of  Pro^ro,  as  a  sort  of  farewell  to  Iiis  prosperity.  The 
office-keeper,  being  unable  any  longer  to  keep  his  office,  drew  down  the 
Blind,  raked  out  the  fire,  shut  the  door  with  a  slam,  and  strewed  some 
repentant  ashes  on  the  loot  pavement  before  the  door,  where  the  "  dogs 
of  law  "  had  been  so  frequently  let  slip  upon  any  game  that  chanced  to 
•how  itself. 


IHE  BRANDY  AND  WATER  FISHERUB. 

TniM  Fisheries  are  Ibe  most  abunilant  in  the  Parks.  The  plan 
of  fishing  is  very  simple.  Vou  venture  on  the  ice  with  a  pair 
of  skatca,  and  where  the  ice  is  tbiuneat,  of  course  you  go  in.  Vou  cut 
a  flounder  or  two  with  your  bkates,  and  after  going  to  the  bottom,  just 
lo  feel  your  fooling,  you  come  to  the  surface,  where  you  find  a  rope 
presented  lo  you.  This  vou  accept  with  all  the  warmth  possible,  and 
at  the  end  70U  will  find  in  your  bands  a  glass  of  warm  brandy-and- 
waler.  The  best  Gshing  is  in  Hyde  Park,  for  there  they  give  you  the 
best  brandy,  and  the  least  water.  The  liegcnt'a  Park  preserve  is  not 
so  good  \  and  it  has  been  fotuul  oecea&ary  to  plant  on  the  ioe  large 
pladtfda,  marked— 


PANOKROUS: 
BEWABE  OF  "  BRITISH  1 1 


M  u  to  wars  entbnsiaats  from  being  liken  in.    A  whisky  Qsbery  has 
lately  been  started  in  St.  James's  Park,  but  it  baa  been  described  as 


very  weak,  and  no',  at  all  equal  lo  the  current  of 
flows  through  the  famous  Serpentine. 


warm  within,"  that 


"  Look  on  this  Picture  '*  if  you  can. 

It  is  said  that  one  of  the  pictures  in  Ibe  Vernon  Ciallery  baaauatained 
a  alight  injur/  at  the  bands  of  the  artist  employed  to  copy  it.  The  ex- 
cuse urged  la  a  very  plausible  one,  namely,  that  the  damage,  if  any, 
having  been  done  to  a  picture  in  the  hole  appropriated  to  the  Vernon 
CoticetioD,  ipiil  nw^  be  tmn. 


A  BLACK  STATUS  TO  THOMAS  CARLTLE. 

Pleasant  is  it  to  record  the  ready  gratitude  of  bodies  of  men.  Well. 
Thomas  Cauiyle,  the  man  who,  with  his  iron  pen,  pricks  *'  wind-bagfc ;" 
who,  wi  h  his  iron-tipped  shoon,  kicks  "  fluiikeyaom  ; "  who,  with  his 
Vulcanic  list  knocks  \town  the  giant  "Sham,"— Thomas  CARLrLi  is 
to  be  rewaiaed  by  the  West  India  plauterii  for  his  late  advocacy  of 
"  the  beneficent  whip,"  and  the  Kentuckian  wrath  with  which  he  has 
all-hut  deitro.ved  emancipated  "Black  Quashee,"  the  wretch  who  will 
notworkamongsugar-canes,  unless  well  paid  for  bis  sweat  ;*  ifrcferring 
to  live  upon  pumpkin  !  to  be,  in  fact,  a  free,  luxurious  citizen  of  aocurred 
Pumpkindom.  i  homas  Cabltle  ts  to  be  vicariously  executed  in  black 
marble,  and  to  stand  in  the  most  conspicuous  ^pot  of  the  island  cf 
Jamaica,  with  a  pumpkin  fashioned  into  a  atandiah  m  one  hand,  and  the 
sugar-cane  pointed  and  nibbed  into  a  pen  in  ttie  other. 

DO  should  it  be  done  unto  the  man  whom  the  slave-holder  delights  to 
honour! 

There  will  be  copies  in  little— etaluettes— for  the  American  market, 
to  grace  the  mantel-ahclf  of  the  Virginian  man-buyer. 

*  Sm  Frattr'M  Mag.  toe  VmmtHm, 


THB  RETURN  OF  PROSPERITY  AND  THE  BOAllD 
OF  TRADE. 

Now  matters  are  mending ;  onr  exports,  ascending. 

Cause  Business  to  caper  and  Credit  to  crow ; 
Our  liaheries  are  rising  in  manner  surprising. 

And  butter  is  moving,  and  cheese  on  the  go. 
Ud  cordage  has  gotten,  aud  fabrics  of  ooitoa 

ExJubit  an  increase  deligliltul  to  see ; 
Glaas,  hardware,  and  potter)-,  with  drapery,  ailk-sholteryt 

And  leather,  are  doing  as  well  aa  may  be. 
Our  dealings  m  linen  give  proof  of  a  spinning, 

Which  all  Europe's  spiders  can't  equal  us  in  ; 
We  've  sold  the  world  metals  for  saucepans  and  kettles, 

And  had  a  proportionate  influx  of  tin. 
Wi^h  colours  tor  dying  and  painters  supplying, 

We're  driving  a  trade  very  llattering  to  hope, 
Which  consideration  affords  cuusulatiuu 

For  not  h&viug  been  quite  so  well  off  for  aoap. 
Despite  contradiction,  without  any  fiction. 

Our  stationery  has  advanced  we  may  say ; 
The  woollen  trade,  lastly,  is  prospering  vastly  : 

The  Lufercnce  wc  draw  from  thcae  facta  is — Hooray  I 


He  Falls  like  luoifer. 


The  Railwav  Monarchy  has  undergone  the  last  meUncholy  process 
of  dissolution  by  the  melting  down  of  the  wax  figure  of  Mk.  lluDsON 
in  Maba^£  Tu&saud's  collection.  The  lUilway;  King  has  been 
reduced  to  a  liouid  atate;  though  other  actA  of  liquidation  have  yet  to 
be  gone  througli  by  the  ex-sovereign  of  the  itajl,  whose  treatment  has 
been  enough  to  melt  an> thing  or  anybody.  We  cannot  inwgine  a 
more  complete  dowufal  than  that  of  a[man  driven  out  from  the  Baker 
Street  Bazaar,  and  whoso  room  is  preferred  even  by  AIadaius  Tussai'D 
to  hia  company,  

A  Slip-Shod  Article. 

Sci£M£. — TJie  ff^ood  PavemeiU,    ^m  Ommibvi,  wiik  both  iV<  horu*  ut 
their  fkU  ki^h*  ott  the  tcood. 

Cabman,  "Hollo,  Busite,  why  didn't  yer  take  ycr  oases  to  the 
farrier's  h" 

*Buman.  "  So  I  did,  Cabbie,  but  in  the  'urry  of  business,  instead  of 
shoes,  be  has  given  the  warmint  tiippere." 


UTERATtr&K   OOTHO  TO  THE  TAlLOfiS. 

Sticn  is  the  rage  for  registering  everything,  that  a  keep-pace-witb-tlie 
limes  publisher  has  announced  a  new  ediuou  of  "  LtUors  to  his  Son/' 
under  liie  title  of  '*  A  lUgiateied  ChtnUrfield." 


The  High-Tides  Hoav. 

Ak  abortive  attempt  has  been  made  by  some  a  trouomers — who 
appear  to  have  gone  star-gazing  till  they  were  moonstiuck— to  create  a 
panic,  by  predicting  a  run  upon  the  Banks  of  the  Thames.  Dirty  Old 
Father  Thames  has  kept  his  own  dead  and  deadly  level  \  not  bavisjc 
done  any  more  mischjef  than  that  of  ooutinuing  to  emit  pernicious 
exhaUtions. 


20 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


A     STATION    ON    THE     NORTH     STAFFORDSHIRE    LINE, 


^<- 


^^^^^ 


\ 


.. 


'U 


/ 


.itfv. 


^' 


\\ 


\ 


TVaveiler.  "  Now  tken,  Bor,  where  's  tue  Clebk  who  gives  the  Ticket," 

^oy  {afier  finishing  an  air  he  u:a$  ichutling),  "I'm  the  CumiL** 

Traveller.  "Well,  Sir!   Aku  what  tike  does  the  Tbaj»  leave  toe  Loiidom." 

Bop.  "  Oh,  I  don't  kxow.    No  tihe  is  pesticxieb.    Sometimes  ome  time— ajtd  sohetimbs  ai)0i:h3Uil" 


THE  POPE  OF  FLEET  STREET. 


"  Season  your  admir&lion  for  &  while."  reailers.  r>Io  Court  in  Fleet 
Street  haa  become  the  Court  of  Pius  the  Niktu.  Aa  ycl  the  Komwi 
I'oulif  bas  not  tougUt  au  &5y]ium  over  tbe  wfijr.  His  Holiness  of  Fleet 
Street  ia  a  Prote»t«nt ;  revertheleM,  bfi  ia  every  incb  a  Pope : — nay,  several 
inchea  more  of  a  Pope  tluui  the  greftL  Hildebiuni>.  Fur  he  ia  the  founder 
of  his  own  Popedom  ;  not  beitij^in  the  least  indebted  for  the  same  to  the 
FisiiKlLMAK;  luid  be  wiH  prescribe  your  faith  by  hia  mere  ipse  dtxit. 
indepeudeutly  of  Scripture  or  trudiiion  either.  Tliia  p/iM-^n-papul 
Protcftfant  Pope  is  the  Editor  of  the  Record. 

His  Uuline^s  of  Fleet  Street  published,  tbo  other  day,  a  letter  si^ed 
"ENquiKEB,"  signifvinfr  that,  a  series  of  readinKa  from  Suakspeaee, 
commeooing  with  ^^luacMh  "  aud  "  Otkelto"  w{is  about  to  be  given  at 
!Exeter  UalT,  and  deoianding  whether  it  waa  '*  aa  a  sort  of  preparatory 
school  to  Drury  Lane  "  that  the  building  in  question  was  founded? 

To  this  waa  appended,  in  the  shape  ot  a  note,  tbe  following  pontifical 
rescript  :— 

"  rOiuTouos  hftTO  bocn  eoosldand  imhae  ^considering  ibo  nsnal  clun«ten  oi  the 
pcrioni]pr«,and  the  spirit  of  ttMin^cni^  of  the  llsbmonjtiytomoof  Uie  cbolceft  DiTtncs 
tlilii  country  hiiA  produced.  UiMOllADBOuB  ConenrtA,  Ik  hu  yotiermlly  beftn  ooaeadad  hj 
Scripturallr  enliRli  lenMl  penntu,  tvestbo  maeh  more  of  the  iplrit  of  the  wortd  thao  vf  tbe 
Goepel.  TlMjr  ooutUnte  OMDmon  gronod  vhere  Infinite  mfiKhlBf  Is  done.  TIkkq  litve 
■rreiluBllr  beODOM  eppar«itl7  the  staple  subjects  of  profit  to  the  ahareLolilvrs  of  Eiat£r 
llell.  Now  we  have  ruedliiH  of  Oikelh.  ProooedlnvwIcadUy  In  thU  do«-nwerd  career, 
wo  may  expect  preiently  to  hare  acting  of  Othello  We  dan  lajr  tbe  Kail  would  tiuike 
a  ftocd  lIu>Btnt.  It  Hucma  full  timii  tor  Uie  proprietora  to  ooiuider  wlutber  the/  are 
bound.— liLfiTOB.]" 

Fearless  of  the  thunders  of  the  Fleet  Street  VaticAn,  we  protest 
agsinst  the  above  allocution.  If  the  first  sentence  of  that  document 
has  any  nicaaing,  it  is  a  grossattdunchanrahlr  insinuation  n^ainst  both 
the  singers  aud  the  audience  &t  the  Sacred  liarmoNie  Society's  perform- 


ances. Here  is  a  pretty  Pope,  without  any  power  of  tbe  keys,  except 
that  by  which  be  unlocks  (he  floodgates  of  calumny ! 

The  next  ensuing  papal  position  is  not  ver^  clear ;  for,  if  lliscelUmeoai 
CoDcerfs  "breathe  much  more  of  the  spirit  of  the  world  than  of  the 
Qospel,"  they  must  breathe  wme  of  the  latter:  and  how  can  that  be,  it 
even  Oratorios  tbemselrca  are  nrofane?  No  doubt,  however,  it  is 
intended  for  a  condemnation  of  **  Miscellaneous  Coucerta,"  baaed  cm  ^e 
^ncr&l  consent  of  "  ScriDtumlly  enlightened  persons."  Now  there  is. 
in  a  verv  well-known  booa,  a  faithful  narralive,  bearing  on  this  point, 
to  which  we  refer  the  "  Scripturally  enlightened" — nna  their  Pope. 

hi  the  history  alluded  to,  it  will  be  found  recorded  that  a  oertain 
Father's  celebration  of  the  return  of  his  unthrifty  son  included  "  mwm 
and  dancitiff." 

The  "Scnpturally  enlightened"  may  be  aware  that  this  authentic 
tale  is  figurative.  Possibw  tbev  may  know  who  is  meant  by  the  Father 
that  is  nieut-ioned  in  it.  Will  the/  presume  to  say  that  He  who  related 
it  would,  if  music — even  dancing  music — were  in  itself  evil,  have 
represented  it  as  bearing  a  correspondence  to  anything  of  Uiat  Fatbet'ft 
institution  ^ 

Let  us  return  to  our  Bull. 

Having  denounced  music,  it  could  1>e  only  expected  that  our  Pontiff 
should  anathematise  dramatic  reading.  Yet  a  better  authority  than  hia 
Holiness,  who  once  lived  in  Bolt  Court  close  by  him — Dii,  Johkson— " 
wrote  ft  play,  and  went  to  aeeit  inaredcoa^.  Under  the  papal  favour  we 
submit  tnat  there  is  uccasiunixlly  a  deal  of  higuted  niving  m  Kxeter  Hall, 
to  which  the  moat,  ranting  recitations  from  Otfiello  would  be  infinitely  pre* 
fcrable  ;  and  that  thecan-er  which  tends  from  Stigoins  tu  SuAksrEAAE 
is  the  reverse  of  dowHtcard.  Althougli  MiscellAoeoua  Concerts  were 
even  very  sinful,  they  might  still  be  Icsa  wicked  than  fanatical  howling. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


21 


JENKINS  AND  MRS.  MOWATT. 

Ma.  Jekkdis,  laat  week,  f«voarod  the  limited  world  io  whtrh  he 
moTes  wi  b  a  nolice  of  the  fir^t  repres#'ntation  of  KIbs.  Mowatt'8 
comfidjr*  t'tttki»m;  or,  Life  im  Ntw  io<ifr,  ft  plAy  which,  according  to  thp 
Timtt,  **bM  twea  uotod  wi<h  cuocrss  at  t^err  ohirf  citv  in  the  Umoo/' 
anU  WHi  receiTed  at  ourOljinpio  here  wltL  *' tomuituouB  applau&c." 
*'  It  may/'  tajw  JiKKtM^ 

"  Uj  •ain»  vemk'pvnon*  tn  thoaght  anfttumn  ta  oi,  vhn  vpaaklnf  of Um  prodncHoo 
•f  a  UAj  UiA  ft  fltTBDgcr,  wt  eBipk^  tnf  Ubcucs  that  la  not  tdBtly  oomplimetiUrT ; 
bot  fcvnJu  U  of  tx>  ler." 

An<i  Mien  j£NKU(s  procofds  to  abuM  the  ladr  and  8trBDger*s  plavp 
eUt.orati  ly,  iner.  rj  pariicular,  "ilh  all  his  nigh'v  soul  nnd  gigantic 
streng  b.  For  the  dead  sei  (ha  b^  thus  mttkra.  he  musl  of  courftc  buve 
a  niotiTf,  which,  ha>l  be  limitcil  bi^l»^lf  to  flncturcs  on  thr  production 
jt»rlr,  txight  pOFfihly  have  bren  supposed  to  he  a  no  meaner  one  ifaan 
Au  rxorsa  of  chri&i  leal  Hut,  Mk.  JcnXiks  not  conient  »i'h  jretpmg 
at  I  he  ul&Vi  ihu&t  ii''eds  have  a  a  ap  at.  the  authoress.  "  When  the 
a£lor8/  writes  |ffnfl/-»nefring  Jenktks, 

"  Had  lodulgvd  OK  trltb  another  glw}e*  At  thflr  p«reonft,  a  very  gaDerai  c«U  IVAm  all 
parU  of  tlM*  Iiouw  brongbt  Mju.MuwArroa  tlwtUgw.  Tha  noUv  was  iben  trvmaDdotu, 
aad  (be  tbower  cf  ciutomary  l*itMiurt«  nior«  vrlgbljr  and  conilnuoua  tluiD  we  vrttr  r»- 
B«nib«r  \\  to  have  barci.  Th*  q/air  tro*  a  i\M»  a^triicm^  for  Dot  oalr  wer«  tlw  flowers 
piuriikd  too  protiuclj.  ^(  (A«  Mir,  la  mt  cvm,  OKIwarnl  i«te  raotty  <irw«Mf/w  iA« 


Why  cmld  von  not  bav«  mod^ated  the  raTioour  of  vonr  pen  a  Itttle, 
JebkIWsP  Why  aMack  the  lady  and  atranftcr  personally  P  Is  it  your 
inaividual    «clf   or    your    order  — Jekkinb    or    Fluiikcydooi— that 

UaB.  M0Wi.TT  has  offfl^drdP 

Juruys,  you  lay,  that  "geniuB  is  of  no  s«x."  Neither  is  oriticlim, 
ta  peraoniBed  by  you.     At  any  rate  it  is  not  maniy. 


HOBSON'S     CHOICE, 

OR  TOB   r£fiFL£XlTI£S   OV   A   OEMLXIUV   IN  8EABCB    GY  A   RIAVAKT. 

ETBR  GniiiriMeM.,  the  knife-boy,  the 
youth  previou'Iy  mfntioiied  aa,  rou 
of  my  jfrften-grorrr  and  occaional 
bu'ier,  a  demure  lit'le  fair-haired  lad, 
who  bad  received  hi«  e^lncation  in  a 
tT<!en  baiee  ooa^  and  )rliow  leather 
Breeches  at  Saint  Blniec'a  Chari'y 
Bebool,  was  our  Grut  fool-boy  or  page 
Mamma  thought  that  a  full-^izeu 
foo'n<an  migbtoccasion  inco'ivenicnce 
in  the  housp,  and  would  not  be  able 
to  sleep  in  our  back  afic  (which  in- 
deed was  scarcely  six  fe»-t  long),  and 
she  had  souiebow  conceived  a  ffri-at 
fondness  for  this  youth,  with  hiapale 
eh  ek«,  blue  eyes,  and  yellow  htiir, 
wbo  sang  the  sweetest  of  all  the 
ohihiren  in  the  orgun  toft  of  Saint 
Bla  a  's.  A'  five  o'clock  every  moin- 
ing,  winter  and  sun  uirr,  that  boy, 
before  he  took  a  permanent  ^ngage■ 
znent  in  my  estahhshment,  «tid  down 
our  area-slep",  of  which  and  of  the 
kitchen  entrance  he  was  enlnisted 
with  the  key.  He  crept  up  the  stairs 
ai  fileut  as  a  cat,  and  carrie^l  off 
the  boots  and  shoes  from  the  doors 
of  onr  resrpeclive  apartments  without  dis'urbing  one  of  uii :  the 
kniTes  and  shoes  of  my  domesUc  circle  were  oleaued  as  brilliant  as 
pOMible  before  six  o'clock  :  be  did  odd  joba  for  the  cook,  be  wrnt  upon 
pur  messages  and  errands ;  h«  carried  out  his  father's  potatoes  and 
eauliflo«era;  he  aflended  school  it  Saint  BlaiEr's;  be  turned  Ms 
ino'her'a  mangle: — there  was  no  end  to  the  work  that  bov  could  do  in 
the  course  of  a  day,  and  he  was  the  most  j»cmv«,  quiet,  humbh-  hitle 
rogue  you  ever  knew.  Mbs.  Captain  Budob  then  took  a  just  liking  to 
th<-  lad,  and  resolve  I  to  nromotr  him  to  the  litujition  of  page.  Uit  name 
was  cha'  ged  from  Petcr  to  PnuiP,  ai  Iwing  more  ren  e  Is  and  a  bat 
with  a  g^  Id  conl  and  a  k"oh  n  <he  lop  lik"  a  gilt  BruHsels  sprout,  and 
a  dnrk  grei-n  sui*.  with  a  white  g..ll<xm  atripe  down  the  rrowver-s  anis, 
anri  a  b(i*h"1  ofbu'tonsoti  the  jacket,  were  yurrhkiied  at  an  esablisli- 
ment  in  Hn|tiorn,  off  lh  -  diinimi  a' the  door.  Munit)>a  is  a  great  big 
Vtron?  Wfjman.  viib  a  high  ?r>itit.  wbo  I  vhonid  think  could  pnteci 
li»r»e(i  very  well ;  but  when  PBIUP  had  his  livery,  she  made  him  walk 
b  bind  her  regnlarlv,  and  neier  coukl  go  t«>  church  without  Fbilip 
after  her  to  carry  the  books,  or  out  to  tea  of  an  eveaiog,  wiifaout  that 
Itoy  on  the  box  of  tJie  «aU 


Maa.  Cattaib  B.  ia  fond  of  good  living  hera^lf;  and,  to  do  b«r 

iustice,  always  kept  our  servant*  w*-IL  I  don't  meddJs  with  the 
kjLohen  affair*  n.yseif,  having  my  own  buiinesa  'O  attend :  bu'  I  brlieve 
my  servants  bad  as  mneh  meat  aa  they  o  uU  ea%  and  a  great  deal  mors 
than  Wat  good  for  them.  They  weal  to  bed  pretty  soon,  for  ouis  wat 
an  early  housr,  and  when  I  oame  in  from  the  CitT  after  bntineaa.  I  wm 
glad  enough  to  get  to  bed  ;  and  they  go'-  op  rather  late,  for  we  are  ail 
good  sleepers  (especially  M£a.  B.,  who  tJces  a  heavy  supper,  which  / 
never  could  indulge  in),  so  that  th^-y  were  never  called  upon  to  bar* 
their  beds  much  before  seven  o'clock,  and  had  their  eight  or  nine  good 
hours  of  rest  every  night. 

And  here  I  ctinno'  help  remarking,  that  if  these  folk*  knew  their 
luck ;  tua  n  bcma  Morut,^  we  used  to  say  at  Merchant  Tailor^';  if  'hcf 
reii<eit<bered  that  they  are  fed  as  well  as  lords,  that  thev'  have  warm 
hrda  and  plenty  of  Mrep  tn  them;  that,  ii  they  are  ill.  they  bava 
ff.  qupullv  their  mastei'a  d  ctor;  that  they  get  good  wakc*.  and  beer, 
and  S'lgar  and  tea  in  sufiicirnc)  :  tbev  need  not  be  robbing  iheir 
employer?,  or  ?akirg  fees  Irom  trades  i  en.  or  prumbling  at  their  lor. 
My  Iricnd  an.i  hesd-clrk,  Kaddles.  I  b'  a  hu-dr^d  xnd  tweniy  a 
lear,  and  eight  childrr-n;  the  RkVLRhND  Mr.  lilTTLEs,  our  rfremed 
cura'eat  t^amt  BiaiscV.has  thr  same  sDpeud  and  fauiU  of  three;  and 
I  aiii  sure  that  bu  h  o  'huae  gentl  nien  woik  hard i-r,  and  fare  V'or«e, 
iban  any  of  the  servant*  in  niv  ki  dim,  or  my  rriui-b'nr's,  And  I, 
»ho  have  feen  tlat  d  a^  good.elekani  a^'^* ofa  Mrs  KtTTLEa Ironing 
ber  hiishami's  bandi  at  d  neckcloth*  4  and  ti  ai  urconmonlv  rh  mipp-r 
ot  dry  bread,  and  niilk-ar:d-«aie',  «Uich  he  KADhLta  fan.ii^  rake  vtben 
I  have  dropped  in  10  visit  them  at  their  pUe,  iCJIeualvon  Cotiaiie. 
Magnolia  Hiini  S-.uih,  Camd  n  To-n,)  on  mv  walk*  f^^lIl  Unrnpafraa 
of  a  Sunday  erening :— 1  aay,  who  have  seen  these  peopl  ,  and  thought 
about  n*y  servants  at  home,  on  the  same  July  evening,  earinx  1  uttered 
toast  round  ihc  kitchen  fir*. — b*ve  luariclled  how  rcMgued  and  con- 
tented some  pei'p'ewere,  and  bo*  readily  01  ber  people  grumbled. 

Well  then,  thi«  young  Philiv  being  introduced  into  my  lamilr,  and 
bring  at  that  period  as  lean  as  a  whipping-pu&i,  aud  as  cuuteuted  with 
ihf*  acrapa  and  broken  victuals  winch  tjir  cook  eava  him,  as  an  a'drrn  an 
wi  h  his  turtle  and  ven!-»on,  tow  left  bis  mother'a  mangle,  on  which, 
or  on  a  sack  in  bis  father's  potato  bio  l>e  used  to  sleep,  and  put  on  my 
buttons  and  strip' s,  waited  at  my  own  table,  and  took  his  legular  place 
at  ihaf  tu  ht?  kitchen,  and  ocoupMd  a  warm  bed  and  three  bUnkcta  in 
the  bftckalic. 

Therrteci  of  the  thrce(orfourorfiTe,  jail  f— for  the  deuce  knowg  how 
many  they  take,)mealiaday  up^n  the  young  ra«cal,  wa^*  speedily  evident 
ill  hi!i  pergonal  apnearanoe.  His  le&n  cheeks  b-gan  to  HL  ou*.  till  ihey 
grew  as  round  ana  pate  as  a  pair  of  sue'  dumptinKS.  Hiit  dress  (for  ihe 
title  dummy  in  Holbon,  a  bargain  of  MBfi.  CaptaIW  B's.  was  aJwajro 
a  light  |]t,)  grew  tighter  and  tighter— as  if  i>is  meats  id  the  kitchen  were 
not  suflicient  for  any  two  Chnntians ;  the  little  gormandi^^er  levied  coa- 
iributjcius  upon  our  parlour  dishes.  And  one  d-y  my  wile  spied  him 
with  his  moutb  smeared  all  over  with  our  juii  pudding;  and  on  another 
occasion  he  c«me  in  with  tear*  in  his  eyes  and  baraly  able  to  speak« 
truni  the  eff'-cts  of  a  curry  on  ftliich  be  hail  laid  hands  in  the  ball,  and 
a  Inch  wc  make  (from  ihe  Nawobb  01  Mulligatawney's  own  receipt)  re- 
ntal kaoly  fine,  and  as  hot  as  hot — as  Ihe  dogdavs. 

As  lor  the  crockery,  bo'h  the  coiiiinon  blue  and  the  stone  china 
Mamma  ftave  us  on  our  marriage,  (and  which  I  must  confess  I  didn't 
mmd  seeing  an  end  of,  because  she  brairgcd  and  botimtd  so  about  it,) 
(lie  smashes  t  hat  boy  made  were  incrediole.  The  handler  of  all  the  tea- 
cups went  ;  aud  the  knobs  off  the  covers  of  the  vr  gel  able  diabes*  and 
thw  stems  of  the  wine-^laascs  ;  and  the  china  punch-b*iwl  my  Aw  ma 
Ma^rja  was  christened  in.  And  the  di>s  he  did  not  break  the  dinhea 
on  ihe  table;  be  spilt  the  gravy  on  the  do  h.  Lord  !  Lord !  bow  I  did 
wish  for  my  pretty  neat  little  parlour-maid  again.  But  I  bad  best 
no*,  for  peace'  sake,  enlarse  again  upon  that  point. 

And  as  lor  get  ing  up,  I  suppose  the  suppers  and  dinners  made  him 
sleepy  as  well  as  fa  ;  certainly  the  li'lle  ra-sc^l  forthc  first  week  did  get 
np  at  his  usual  hour :  then  he  was  a  Utile  lat^r :  at  the  end  of  a  month 
he  came  yawning  down  si  aira  after  the  maid  !i  had  long  been  at  work: 
there  was  no  more  polishing  of  boo's  and  knives :  bardy  time  to  get 
mine  clean,  ard  knives  enough  ready  for  me  and  my  wi/e's  br^fast 
(Mss.  CaPTAilf  B.  taking  hers  aud  her  pouched  egvs  and  rushers  of  baoon 
in  bed),  in  time  enoagb.  1  say.  for  my  breakfast,  oef ore  I  went  into  tbe 
City. 

Many  and  many  a  scolding  did  I  sire  that  boy,  until  my  temper 
Hein^  easy  and  the  lad  gel  ing  no  eartlilv  good  from  my  abuse  of  hun, 
I  fell  off— from  shr-er  wearin^Bi  and  a  acsire  for  a  quiet  life.  Ajia 
Maon^a,  to  do  her  justice,  wa<  never  lirrd  of  giving  it  to  hinuaud 
r^'ed  hini  up  hill  anl  dovin  dale.  It  was  **Phiup  you  are  a  fool" 
"Puiup,  ^ou  ilir  \  wretch."  "Phiup,  you  sloveiV'  nnd  *o  fortt),  all 
dinner  'inie.  Bu'  a' ill,  wheni  talked  of  Hnuine  him  off,  MRii.CAPTAUi  B, 
hl^a^s  somehow  plea;icd  Or  him  and  i  fis'ea  upon  kecpn'g  hitn.  Well. 
My  weakness  i**  'hat  1  enTt'l   any  no  •©  a  W'tnan.  and  Master   Phiup 


L 


'  J  uy  (liLf.  bi'cauM-  I  think  p),  and  wU)  mot  ba  put  dc><rn. 
UiEra  U  atitliln^tQ  ST       " 
caitt  in  ber  ay*  'Hit  ■ 
U(Mua  ball,  or  tha  Op«r« 


Mr  wlfa  feays  iltn  UiUikS 
to  Maa.  Umxth,  and  Maaiina  *&}-«  tb«  gtrat  hcrMttf  alr*.  aod  ti»«a 


eb 


;t"' 


/  liavt  otfrr 


M,  Dot  at  a  Maualou 


Vol.  XVIII.-18i 


22 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


ataid  od,  breaking  the  j^lcs  and  smaahing  the  glaw,  and  getting  more  mischieroos 
and  Uxjr  erny  di^. 

At  laat  there  came  a  enui,  which,  though  it  wasn  't  m  «(|r  creekerf,  did  Mabtbb 
Phiuf*!  buaineaa.  Hearing  a  great  laoshter  in  the  kitchen  one  erening^  Mamma 
(who  ia  a  good  honaekeeper,  and  does  not  Eke  her  aervanta  to  laugh  on  any  aoooont, 
atepped  down,— and  what  ahould  ahe  fiad  P 


—Master  Phiup.  mimioking  her  to  Uie  women  aerrantt  and  saying,  "Look,  this 
Xi^2  ]Ity**PS^"»\B'"»?««<ff'"And,imllinganapkm  (some- 

i?  Sfhi^l.**"'  T^rkiih  turbim  Mm.  Cmiix  B*  w«£i),  he  began  to  tpeak  at 
W  ™  ^^/5?^'  T**"!'  ^^-^P?'  y°«  ""tyi  »<ile.  goo<^-for-n^Siing,  lazy,  dirty 

lr«V**'  iT^  ^  'S'"  ^/J»''^  **»«  gravy  8of"  &i 
■hor.t1;,-rh^.i™.    f    ^  T**  ^^f?  M«  ea™  soundly,  and  the  neit  day  he  was  sent 

untUafUr  !^?TP^?^  Hf  ^  ^^^^.^  t^'*  *»fore.  1  could  not  comprehend. 
Sws  a*  th«^«n'.  fctij^*  "V  i*'*'*-  *^?  *^°»*  »»i<  looking  with  tears  in  her 
SS^thinilika  fim^^H  /h*?  if  **^  "*  *^?  Pf'**^*  t*»»t  her  little  boy  Augustus  wu 


It 


HAMPTON  COURT  HOSPITAL. 
Tra  existence  of  this  charitable  institution  u  not,  perhans  Mm«Ml1*  w««-« 
forms  a  considerable  portion  of  Hampton  (5urt  iCln.  :«T^«  il"*^^'  /" 
remainder  of  that  esUblishment,  ia^pS^dlrhouf  by  ii  A 
or  ta««^  which,  according  to  a  statrSSit  recently  mU  b^ShVwVt^l'l**"'^^ 
Ute  M.I*.  for  Coyentry  amount  to  £7,000  per  annum.  The  %^ilJi^,'iTf!' 
dianty  are  the  decayed  members  of  tLst  lam  but  n^..i*V.  ^  i  ?*  *""  ™"»h  « 
the-ritocraij.  of  tli  coun^J^T^ho  ^i *&  "^^  ,1 :;;»:,': '^  1"*- 

•ecure  ftomtTie  contamination  of  inferior  paupers.  U  his  hnw^vl  i**''^''^' 
without  some  show  of  njason,  been  aUetedthS  a  nortinnVr  7  i^  P^rUnim  tmt 
Bute  Hospital  might  as  well  li\X"niS  a  fc^^ 

haye  done  the  st^te  some  scryice ;  and  if  thia  yiew  should  bTrfoXSi"  d^jj; 'J^ 
^ow  of  LuuTBNAKT  Waghorh  may  be  considered  a  w*riKv  ^2  ^-3  J*'*"]** 
admission  to  b^  with.        wamcnw  a  wonjiy   c^iidirffttft  f^xr 

A  ym  lUw  MATEBUL.--BtR.  Dmhabli  says  that  the  land  is  the  landlord'. 
IJTi^*'*^''^ '  Md  sou  IS.  But  Undlords  haye  a  much  rawrr  material  In  thi  ^SS! 
of  those  bmiera  whom  they  delude  into  contbuing  to  pay  exoeasiye  renU  udZ  7k! 
falhMaouahopeofarMnaotmentoftheCorn-LaiS.  ™»  wow  the 


SCENES  FBOM  THE  LIFE  OY  AN  UNPBO- 
TECIED  FJOiALK 

ScsNE  11.— 7itf  Bimi.  Th  Uxpbotbgtbb  FbxaIiB  «- 
eapn  from  th$  ka*d9  (/her  CabAiMftOfi^r  tm  Ji^&r 
qf  $toppaffet.  proven,  fean,  nwtOMatrameet,  kiggiiafft, 
and  general  nneomforieAleneetet   rj  all  kmde, 

Unproleeied  Female  (be/ore  tie  Boat  enlrance).   Thank 

raess !  {Gazes  eaoerlp  round  ier.)  Oh !  I  wonder  whore 
Jones  is  P  (JSl.  FauP$  Clock  eirikee  <-  Three.'*)  Oh !  it  'a 

three  o'clock,  and  I  ought  to  have  been  here  at  two.  UShe 
enter*  the  Comrl.)  I  thought  he  would  haye  waited,  (lb 
the  Stately  Beadle  in  the  coded  hat.)  Oh,  please^  haa 
Mk.  Jomes  been  here? 

I^alefy  Beadle  {vacantly).  Jones P— There's  a  deal 
o'  Joneses. 

Unprcteeied  Female  {with  nnsoiieited  communieatioeneei). 
It 's  M&.  Jones,  who  is  in  the  City,  and  has  always  come 
with  me  to  draw  my  diyidends ;  and  he  said  he  would  meet 
nie  here  to~day,  at  two:  but  the  horrid  cabman  would  jget 
inloft  G^oppa^f,  and  it  s  past  three,  and  I  don't  aee  him; 
ai]d  1  're  got  till  my  papers  here;  ana  if  you  pteak&  do  you 
tbink  thF>'d  give  me  the  money  P  and  where  am  I  to  go P 
and  it  ^s  too  bad  of  Mb.  Jones  ;  for  he  knows  I  'm  not  used 
to  business :  ard  please,  could  you  direct  me  to  the  Funds  P 

Si&iei^  BeadU  {whose  attention  ha*  wandered  a  good  deal 
during  the  atfoce^  Fust  door  to  the  right. 

Unprotected  Female.    Oh,  thank  you  1 
{Snters  the  door   (/  the  Botvnda^  which,    it  being  a 
dividend  day,  isjUled  with  an  average  of  hay^-a-doeem 
euitomers  to  each  Clerk. 

Unprotected  Female  {looking  about  her  in  aUmm).  Oh,  I 
wish  Mk.  Jones  was  here.  {Jddreseing  herself  to  the  near" 
est  group  o^  two  verjf  impatient  CUjf  Gents,  an  embttrrasted 
elderly  lady,  a  deaf  old  gentleman,  and  a  widow,  all  upon 
one  Clerk.)  Oh!  please,  I 'ye  come  for  my  diyidends. 
{Finding  herself  not  mtened  to,  she  raps  the  eouiUer.)  Please, 
I 'ye  come  for  my  diyidends. 

Clerk  {in  the  same  breath).  Two  three  fiye— how  will  yon 
have  it  F  What  d'ye  make  it  P  Eight  four  six  eiicht  and 
eight.  Take  it  short  P  Seven  three  two.  {Dispatches  hi* 
group  with  incredible  rapidity  and  good  temper.  To  the 
Unfbotected  Female.)  Now  Ma'am,  please. 

U/yarotecled  Female.  U  you  please  1  'm  come  for  my 
diyidends — 

Oerk  {rapidly).  Dividend  Office. 
IDathes  into  the  businet*  <f  the  next  ha^-doten  customer*, 
leaving  (he  Unfeotectes  Female  m  utter  help* 
lessnets. 

Uimvtected Female.  Oh,  they  wont  attend  to  me.  It's 
shameful!  They  duratn't  treat  me  so  if  Mb  Johm  was 
liere  {Fiolently  thrusting  herself  ta  the  desk),  but  I  must 
haye  my  dividends.  _.  . ,     ,  _  _.     - _  , 

1*/.  Customer  (politely).  Dividend  pffic^  Ma  am. 

%nd  Cy*lomer  {indignantly).  It  isn't  here.  Ma  am. 

Srrf  Customer  {humourously)  First  door  round  the  comer, 

^m  Customer  {savagely).  Now.  MaW  get^t  of  the  wj. 

Unprotected  Female  {oozing  wretchedly  from  one  to  the 
vther).  Oh,  it's  my  dividends. 

aerk  {with  eontemptuou*  ptty)- 

F^sS^'houghtfyigfo  himeefn.    Elderly  lady.  Long. 

iin'J  it.  Ma'am  P^  ^J^^Xt^f^'v  vou.  I'm  sure  I  didn't 
UmoUcted  Female,  Oh,  ^^^^^^l^*  herselftomMy 

know  (^rrr  fo  ih^  HMfOst  desk  aitdaoa^  ^^^j^j^J^ 

infHtrlifuhr).    Pl''*^oI'vewnieior^J^  whining  open 
Vl^'i  \sHsift0  a  ditengaged  momen*  -w-r 

Trfiiif/ir /h»rjk).  Wt^MnHineP^^^^^^^v   eijP    "What  P 
IhprohHM  F^mftfr  {not  ^ndersfamHng}. 
Offh    WATTf'  t^'tothe  vvsi    TheWsP 
fhpTtitfrif,d  F^fnf»i^  ^jiSain  the  way— fourth  desk 
mUMO  teith  hupenh  ^' 


Here— FoBBESTEii— tell 


f'/-F^  ipoi/iiifip 

-th'Tf  * 


¥?'!:;':t^zi-L^Z!ri^%P>''^ 


CLraE  at  the  desk  im^eated)' 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


I 


{Rttmnin-i  orer  Ike  "  Watts*5  "  toith  hi9ji$tger  in  the  Tratufer  Book. 

VnproUt'Ud  Ffmafe,  Martha. 

CUrk.    No  MARTHAWATr  here.    Must  \\vff  mwJft  a  misfakc,  Ma'ani. 

Umvrol-ffed  Ftmale  (ii  fn-eai  teretrhedrutt).  Ob,  they  told  me  to  come. 

Cl^rk.  Ho»v  tlo  vou  sprll  »our  DftiueP 

U^proUtfdFmaU    5.  T^ 

CUrk  iindiijnaitttjf).  Then  what  do  you  come  to  the  Ws  for  P  You 
gave  me  name  "  Watt." 

UnprotetUd  Female  {fxplanoioriM.  No,  I  wiid  "What?" 

Ork.  Weil,  "  Watt.      That  Jon't,  brgin  with  S— T— 

Vnern^ettfd  Female.  No- my  nfime  isn't  Watt.  I  only  aaid  "  What." 
It  *«  Stbuggles  ia  my  name — Mahtba  StBt'oGLEa. 

CUrk  [reluved  and  kindljf).  Go  to  S.  T.  and  give  your  name,  and 
tbey  Ml  give  you  a  warrant. 

VmprcttfUd  FemaU.  Oh— T  don't  want  a  warrant— I've  come  for  my 
dividends. 

Clerk  impatimitp).  Te— Tc— Tc.  Why  don't  you  bring  somebody 
wilh  ymi  ? 

Utfprotrc£^d  Female  {fftad  rf  the  opoorittaitp,  is  about  to  esplain  the  de- 
ferti  H  fiovta)   Oh,  you  see.  Mr  Jonks— 

Clfrk.  Well— well— never  mind  Mr,  Jones— go  to  Ihe  STa— there 
{minting  idtk  his  pen^  and  take  what  they  give  you.    Nnw,  6ir. 

[7b  tha  next  Pafee. 

Vnprot-'etfd  FemaU  ^gaining  the  ST»  at  fast,  teith  unutual  dtreclnei*), 
^Iautiia  Sthcgolks.  and  I've  conic  for  my  dividends. 

Clerk  \ditc  vering  the  name).  How  nnich  P 

Unprotected  Female  (plunging  into  her  bog  and  bringing  irp  a  handful  qf 
popert).  It's  all  down  urre. 

Clerk  {hastilp).  Put  it  down.    T^ow,  ^la'am. 

[_Proceed9  to  difpoee  of  other  apphcanie. 

Unprotected  Female  inftcr performiHo  a  icries  ofcompUcat:d  calcnlatione, 
puts  14  h^r  pfiper  trivmphantlff).  'Ihai  »  it. 

Clerk  reading  out  [tcagaf$htf).  280731! — two  hundred  and  eighty-nine 
tlioiisanil,  ^evcii  Imndreti  and  thiny  four  pounds— Mn'am  P 

Vnprotecteii  Frmalc.  No— no— two  hundred  and  eighty-nine  pounds, 
seven  HhillinRs  and  t  hret^-farthings,  and  I  don't  mind  the  copper. 

Cierk  {rrf'trring  tj  bock).  No  luch  sum  under  that  name  in  Long 
Annui'ies.     What  stock.  P 

Unprotected  Female.  In  the  Funds. 

Cierk.  Bunk  Stock,  Consols,  Keducod,Tliree-and-a-quarters,  or  Terms 
of  veam  P 

l/nvrote^ed  F^  male  Uolemnlp^  but  with  much  alarm).  No,  it  *a  all  in  the 
Funoi. 

Clerk,  Yes,  but  what  Stock  ? 

Unprotee/ed  Female  [in  a  tone  intended  to  inspire  rapeet).  In  the 
Governmenf  Securiiirs,  every  farthing  of  it. 

Clerk  ikuddenl^).  Oh!  you've  got  your  Stock  reoeinta  there.  Let 
me  look.  [Holding  hie  hand, 

Uttproieeted  FemaU  (suspidously).  Ob,  bat  Mr.  Jones  said  1  wasn't. 
Thev  *re  my  urcurilies. 

Clerk  ihfrlf  amu.<trd,  half  hopeleu  arricitg  at  a  resulf).  Hold  *em 
t'ght,  Ma'itm;  only  le^  me  look.  Longs,  and  Three -an  d-a- Quarters. 
iSfakej  out  the  learrantfor  the  long  Jnnuiu'e^  Stock.)  Now,  sign  ihere, 
5la'»ni.  {Fmahes  the  Dtvidend  book  ovfr  to  her.  Unprotectkd  FEMiOiE 
i>  about  to  tcrite  her  name  promiicuowly.)  No,  no.  Opposite  there 
—So. 

Unprotected  Female  ijfuddenlff  seized  leith  a  qualm).  But  you'll 
pay  nie  P 

Clerk.  Dear,  dear,  dear !  Now.  sign  there.  {Giving  her  the  varraut.) 
So.  ^Sigte.)  Now,  take  that  to  the  Kolunds,  and  they'll  give  you 
the  money. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  but  e&n't  you,  please?  I'd  rather  have 
it  here. 

Clerk.  No.  We  don't  pay  here.  There,  it's  that  round  room  you 
came  through. 

Unprotected  Female.  Ob,  but  I  asked  there  sa  I  came  on,  and  they 
wouldn't. 

Cierk.  But  they  will  now,  if  you  show  'em  that.  Now  do  go,  Ma'am. 
These  gentlemen  are  waiting. 

[Fviutiug  to  a  group  which  hae  been  jointlf  and  teverallv  eoneipning 
the  Unprotected  Female  to  oery  unpleatant  place*  during 
the  nbooe  colloquy. 

Unprotected  FemaU  (verp  humbly  to  the  group),  I'm  sure  I'm  very 
wrry— But  Mr.  Jokes— {Her  explanation  u  cut  ekort  by  a  rush  qf 
Payeei ;  and  the  UHtnder*  back  to  (he  Rotunda.  Addreuing  First 
Qerky  teho  has  his  hands  full  already).  Please  could  you  pay  me  my 
dividends  P 

Elderly  Oentleman.  Wait  a  moment,  Madam. 

Unprotected  Female.  Tliey  said  you  would  if  I  showed  you  this. 
{Holding  up  warrant.     KLUEiar  Gentleuan  is  drspoied  qf. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh  !  pleaiie.  could  you  P — 

Bruk  CUrk.  There  *»  three  before  you,  old  lady. 

[Brisk  Clerk  u  disposed  (f. 

UnprotecUd  Female   Now,  if  you  pleas^ 


Severe  Widow  (mth  mueh  aspetHy.)  I  beg  yon  'U  wait  for  your  tnra, 

Ma'ant. 

Unprotected  Female  (in  a  tone  <f  dignified  retort)*  Oh  I  by  all  means, 
Ma'am.    (Severe  Widow  is  di*pc4ed  ^.)    Now,  pteaae.  my  dividends. 

[Hmsii  over  warrant, 

Ffarnxied  Cfcrk  (snappishly).  How  do  you  make  it  ? 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh  I  I  didn't  make  it.  It  was  my  poor  XTvoiA 
ThoVas  left  it  to  mr. 

Harassed  Oerk  {glaring  at  her  a*  tetth  a  desire  to  amUkUaU  her).  Add 
it  up.     How  mueh  i%  it  ? 

Unprotected  Female  {with  a  rtryqfinteUsymce),  Oh  I  it 's  £289  7«.  0}^ 
But  I  don't  mind  the  copper. 

Harassed  Clerk  (flinging  back  the  wmmsnt).  It  'a  only  for  £800. 

Unprotected  Femaie.  Oh!  then  they 've  cheated  me,  I  thought  they 
would.    Here  are  my  secunties.  X^f^'  ^^^^  Orrtifieates. 

Harassed  Clerk  (comprehending  at  n  glance).  £900  in  Longs,  I  he  rest 
in  Tkree-and-a-quarters.  If  tou  bring  the  warraat  for  the  rest  1  '11  pay 
you.    You  can  only  have  £200  on  this— 

Unprotected  Female  {claiping  her  hands  in  dttpair).  Oh,  fhey  didn't 
f^ive  me  auythinx  but  thai,  and  they  said  youM  pay  me  if  I  showed  it 
you— and  now  you  won't — Oh— 

iiarojisfd  Clerk  (on  the  ve*ge  of  an  esplosion).    Bleaa  the  woman! 

Unprotected  Female  {oaMtttg  suddenly  from  tha  depths  of  despair  to 
the  summit  tf felicity).  On.  there's  Mr  Jones!    Oh,  Mr.  Jokks! 

[Htuhes  towards  that  indioidual  who  enters  the  Rotunda  ;  all  but 
falls  inio  his  arms,  and  the  Scemc  dotes  on  her  rapture  qfreliif. 


k 


HALVING  THE  CENTURY. 


rsT  now  our  table 
is  cracking  and 
groaniuff  under  a 
neap  of  letters  on 
botti  sides  of  the 
controversy  about 
the  completion  of 
the  Am  half  of 
the  centurv.  One 
correspondent  il- 
lustrates tiis  view 
by  proposing  that 
we  should  drink 
the  half  of  a  hun- 
dred barrels  of 
stout  in  as  many 
yearv.aud  informs 
us  tbHt  half  the 
hundred  barrels 
will  have  been 
drunk  so  soon* 
but  only  so  soon. 
as  the  Inst  pot  of 
the  fiftieth  barrel  shall  have  been  swallowed.  Our  only  objection  to 
this  mode  of  deteniiininf;  the  question  is^  that  be  has  not  sent  us 
the  means  of  trying  his  experiment.  "We  may  apply  similar  observa- 
tions to  the  propoaitionfi  of  those  who  ask  us  to  smoke  so  many  bundles 
or  cigars,  eat  so  much  cheet>e,  and  wear  out  so  many  suits  of  clothes  in 
half  a  century.  The  quantities  of  these  articles  are  represented  as 
given  quantities,  but  all  we  can  say  is,  that  we  iiave  not  rrceived  au^ 
of  them.  As  to  the  matter  in  dispute,  we  need  only  remark,  that  if 
the  year  1800  was  the  first  year  of  the  century,  l&Ol  was  ttie  ^cond 
year,  1849  the  fiftieth,  and  the  present  year  of  grace,  1S50.  is  the  fifty- 
first.  If  noL  then  otherwise.  To  us,  the  question  would  seeitt  |>er- 
fectly  clear,  bvit  for  the  following  communication,  which,  being  brief, 
we  publish  in  extenso : — 

"Mr.  PiracH, 

"  My  cousin  Brunjxt,  to  my  knowledge,  was  bom  on  January 
1,  ISOO.  If  we  are  now  begirtning  the  second  half  of  the  century,  she 
must  just  have  entered  her  fifty-first  year.  Yet  a  lady's  word  is  unde- 
niable ;  and  all  who  have  been  acquainted  with  Biddt  for  the  last  90 
years  can  testify  that,  during  all  that  time,  she  has  declared  herself  to  be 
only  thirty. 

"  Your  constant  reader, 

"Tsittns  FcGiT." 


Bogues  in  arain. 

A  Co&RBsroKDENT  of  the  Times  says,  with  reforenoo  to  "  Servanta' 
Poundage,"  "  I  know  of  one  corn-dealer  who  invariRbly  sends  to  bis 
west-end  customers  three  and  three  Quarters  for  four  bushels  in  every 
sack."  If  we  were  so  treated  by  our  corn-dealer  through  the 
connivance  of  our  groom,  we  would  send  the  former  his  com  back  again, 
and  give  the  Utt.«r  the  sack. 


I 


Mr.  Watiar  BdviUe  (»0JtUf*tMf).  "  I«imoiit41.  Bin,  inbkkd  ! !     1  mopld 

n«T     LIKK  TO   K?t0W    WHIIKI   TOV   WOULD   RAVI    BKKH,  MT    BdCH|    IF    I    UaDK't 
— WT  MO   HATTXIL  [^Jfit  ffTWOfg. 


THE     PROTECTION      "DODGE." 

&flfkrittff  Lnnil^vntr  Oh  a  noiemn  and  $onf>mua  low,  itith  a  fffance  at  thefirtt- 
floor  tetHifoie).  My  ky— ind  fer— iends,  I  am  wh— wnfd  to  app — cat  be— fore 
yon,  and  to  pi— po»c  my  mis — or— able  state.    •     •     • 

I  am  a  Ian— Hrd  prop — er — i — elor  re— dooocd  to  jrer — eat  mis — e— ry, 
ow— inir  to  the  oom— pe— tition  of  the  foreigner.  There  i^  a  ger— eat 
many  of  as  a$  bad  off  aa  my — felf  and  the  count — er— y  i»  a— britig  mined 
all  along  off  free— trade  Sie  Robebt  Peil  and  Mjstzr  Cob— dbk. 
We  'ave  only  twen — ly  milliooB  of  money  in  the  Bank,  also  an  inor — rai«e 
of  £S8.23S  on  the  Cu«t— oms.  also  £371.899  on  the  Ex— ciae,  and  £94.W0 
oa  the  In — come  Tax,  pity  the  poor  land— ow— ner  re— doo— ced  to  mis — 
er— y  wich  they  will  soon  low— er  our  rents,  &c.,  &c. 

Oh,  my  kind  fer— ienda  is  not  this  'ard — Oh  yparn  a  ter — ifte  of  pro 
Section  for  the  poor  land— owner— wich  yon  will  nev — er  feel  the  want 
of  it  jour— selves. 

My  ky-bd  fer— iends,  ftc.  Ac.  da«<tpo, 

Mr.  Polieeman  Punch,  Now  then,  you  cadger,  there,  move  on,  will  yoa, 
«nd  don't  be  a  gammonin'  of  the  public. 


A  TEXT  WORTHY  01  COMMENT. 

"  OaOBoa  KniT  a  bnj  ^c«l  14,  waa  jrat  Id(o  the  box  to  ta  avora,  and  IM 
Taatamcot  wu  put  Into  hi*  IuuhI.  B«  lookud  qnlta  utm)lah«d  Bpoa  Uklnf  botd 
of  the  txicik. 

**  AH.  lhmpim$>  WeU.  do  yn  kw> wk*(  yoa  ara  attoitf  Do  yoa  ka^vvtet 
an  oaib  lat 

"Bof.  No. 

"  AU.  n.  Do  jrou  know  what  a  TaMMBSal  k 

•Bos   No. 

"  Aid.  a.  Can  roa  raad  ? 
-ft>ff.  No. 

-  Aid,  U.  Do  T<m  tvar  my  yoar  prayait  F 
"4hw.  NOinerar. 

*'Am,B.  DoroukDow  what  prayera  an? 
"  Bojf.  No. 

"  Md.  B.  Do  yoa  knov  wliat  Ood  lat 
"Dot-  No. 

"Aid.e.  Do  yuu  kaowwhat  the  Der(|  t4  ^i 
**  B03.  I  've  h«nl  (if  iho  rh-rll,  but  I  ilim't  know  him. 
"  Aid.  n.  What  do  j-rm  know,  mj  poor  buy  I 
*'Svg.  I  knova  bov  to  svocp  iheorDanlDg. 
-Ald.B.  And  ihat'iall? 
"  JBoy.  Tltat  'n  all.     I  cireepB  the  eruaalng. 


'-  Tha  AtdonDsn  aald,  b»,  of  onanwt,  onuld  not  laka  4bci  erldenoa  of  •  1 
who  kB«w  nntMng  wbatererofttie  obllgattoo  to  tell  the  tntth."— n>/<  Tmt*'  Poltst 
Rvpcrt  of  WedneMla]',  jao.  9. 

So.  says  the  law,  which  the  Alderman  has  to  adminiater.  Bitt 
are  no*,  these  a  conversntion  and  a  result  wor^h  noting,  jrood pcfiple 
of  this  wonderfnl  time  of  Kailways,  R  pgcd  Schools,  Model 
LodgmR-houses,  Soup-kitchen",  ilofici  Prisons,  and  oth^-r  excellent 
crutches  for  helping  along  this  sociefyof  ours,  which  stiHstumblea 
souieliow,  most  sadly,  in  spile  of  tbemP 

Here  is  the  raw  material  of  a  citizen — a  boy  well  half  way  to 
mnniiood,  who  knows  neither  oa'h,  nor  book,  nor  prayer,  nor  God  * 
has  bul  hrard  of  the  Devil  even — and  whose  sum  and  substance  of 
knowIfdRcis  "how  to  sweep  the  crossing — that 'a  all."  A  crossing- 
SAeepiifg  machine  this,  wiMi  a  superfluous  soul  in  it  apparently, 
— ihat  no  man,  or  set  of  men,  has  luonght  it  worth  while  to  waken 
— a  tongue  that  the  law  ties — a  sort  ot  bnite  biped  in  the  eyes  of 
ail— «ho,  introduced  !oa  worthy  Alderman  and  a  police  court,  sud- 
denly hears  of  the  oddesL  things,  oath»,  ami  books,  and  prayer,  and 
Goii,  and  Devil — ideas  which  had  not  developed  Ihemaclves  in 
crossing- sweeping. 

But  though  Society  leave  (his  lump  of  Man  to  his  besom  and 
his  blank  ignorance  of  right  and  wrong,  and  I  he  powers  1  he  eof,— 
ami  t  hough  Law,  when  he  risea  to  say  w  hat  he  has  seen — lor  he  can 
«pcak — says  to  him,  "No!  Be  dumb,  brute,  how  shoulu'st  thou 
lilt  up  ihy  voice  among  m«n  f  "—this  same  Society  anu  l^aw  would 
use  a  very  dtflVr^nt  rone,  if  once  our  bru'e  bip'-d  .^Imuld  begin  to 
develop  himself  brute  frtsbion- if  he  shouU  strike  or  hi  e — or  kick, 
or  lake  lo  dalisfy  hU  lunger — to  prey,  in  short,  wiM-beast-like  on 
the  world  in  which  be  is  as  a  wiw  beast.  Then  Society  would  bo 
alert  with  its  policemen,  and  committing  magistrates  and  cells- 
and  Law  with  ita  judges  and  jurief,  and  learned  harrister»,  all 
arrayed  to  deal  justice  upon  thi.s  poor  neglected  brute,  as  if  he 
were  a  man. 

A  strange  sight  and  one  worthy  of  being  weighed  in  these 
times  aliove  all  others.  Oor  blunt  ancestors  went  roundly  to  Wai  k. 
If  they  saw  without  concern  bnite  men  gathering  and  growing 
about  tbcn>,  tliey  flogged,  and  imprisoned,  snd  ironed  and  raokeo, 
and  hung,  with  hsht  royal  hru'atiiy  of  punishment.  But  now  w« 
have  changed  the  U'ter  half  of  their  systtm,  while  we  leave  the 
lornter  unaltered.  While  the  animal  sleei  s,  we  let  hioi  sleep.  But 
onc^  let  him  w&ke  to  show  the  ai.in  al  in  act,  and  we  niake  a  man 
of  him.  His  cage  mubt  be  comfortuble,  —  with  "a  regard 
shown  to  his  leelings"  —  his  diet  must  be  varied  and  sue- 
ctUent — he  must  have  awret  air  onoush — and  cleanjiness — and  all, 
iu  faC,  that  was  denied  him  till  the  orute  propensities  awoke  to 
ac  ive  life! 

If  any  painter  of  our  new  Houses  of  Parliament  WMst  an  allegory 
for  our  Great  Britain,  we  give  him  this— 

Let  bim  paint  a  great  tree  with  a  vrorm  at  the  root;  with 
healthy  boughs  and  withered;  with  6ne  fruit  and  sickly;  here 
blossom,  and  1  here  blight ;  and  Benevolence,  and  Piety,  and  States- 
ninn^hip,  carefully  nipping  a  soabby  fniit  off  this  bough,  and  as 
oarefuliy  nursing  a  dwarfed  flower  on  tliat ;  and  the  crowd  round 
about  clappiBg  tlieir  bauds  and  applauding  the  mighty  work  of 
improvenient;  and  all  I  he  while,  a  new  scabby  fruif,  and  a  new 
de'ectivr  fluwer,  appearing  for  each  that  ts  nipped  off.  or  nursed 
into  sicklv  coinelinesa;  and  a  few  poor  timid  speotatora  hinting 
tha',  "All  this  work  about  fruit  and  bloMom,  is  vain,  while 
50tne'liing  must  bo  wrong  with  the  roots;"  and  nobody 
I'stcniiig  to  them — and  the  worm  working  and  working  towards 
the  heart  of  the  tree,  and  "very  general  satisfaction  with  our 
pro.*pecta.'* 


4 
4 


THE   PROTECTION    "DODGE. 


Si^eri^'Q  Landholder   (tn  a  soUmn  and  toncrokt  ton^,  v>ith  a  gfanee  at  th$  pttjtoof  trwrfoip).— Mt   kt— ikd  per— ibni>s,   1  aK 

ASn— AMED   TO  Al'P— EAR  BB— POBE   TOO,  AND  TO  II— POBE   MY   MI8-EE— ABLE  8TATR.      •  •  • 

I     AM     A     LAN— DED     PHOP— EK— I— ETOtt     RE— DOOCED     TO    OER— E\T     MIS— 1  — RT,   OW — IHO    TO    THE    COM— PB— TTTtOK  Of  T«B 

TouriONER.     There  is  a  ger — eat  kant  op   cs   as  had  ofp   as  mv— sklp,  and  the  Couwt— be— t   is  a— being  rotxed  all 

ALONG  OP  PREE— TRvDE    Sitt    VOBKRT   PPIL    ARD   >USTBR  CoH— DEK.       \Yb   'avK  QNI.Y   TWEH— TT   MILLIONS  OP  MONBT   IN   THE    BaNK. 

ALSO  AS  iscK— EASE  OP  £39  335  ON  the  Cost— 0M8,  also  £i>7l,S99  os   tki   tx-cisa,  abd  £«*,960  ob  the  In— come  TaI,  pitt 
tita  POOR  Laud— ow— NRB,  &c.  &c. 


I 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LOiVDON   CHARIVARJ. 


27 


ALL  THE  TOWN'S  A    SLTDK. 

All  the  town  'a  a  slide, 
And  ill  the  men  and  women  merely  fik&ters. 
Ther  have  their  ^lippioRV  and  their  fluaoderings. 
And  one  man  in  liis  life  has  many  falls  : 
His  fate  havinf^  seren  stages.     At  first,  the  bfant, 
Bliiveriag  aod  shaking  in  tiis  nurse's  arms  ; 
And  then  tbo  shuffling  sohool-boy,  with  his  bigblows 
And  iiobnailed  sole  and  heel,  cu(tin^-out  nlides 
Instead  ot  ^m?  to  school.     And  then  the  luver, 
Bigbing  like  furnace,  till  wiih  wofful  tumble 
He  and  his  mistress  lie  low.     Then  a  xoldier. 
Wearing  odd  skates,  acd  bearding  all  the  park ; 
Jealous  or  otherv,  sudden  and  quick  in  turning. 
Seeking  the  bubble  reputaiioa 
Even  m  the  deepest  holts.    And  then  the  iceman 
In  fair  round  hat,  with  a  good  cape  on,  lined 
\Vilb  oilskin  ciear,  and  coat  ot  formal  cut. 
Full  of  ice-saws  and  modern  instrunicnti ; 
And  so  Ke  plays  bin  part.    The  sixth  stage  slips 
In'o  the  lean  and  »lippery  pantaloon, 
With  ictcle  on  nosr,  hud  slick  in  hand. 
His  luuia-rubbcr  shoes  a  world  too  large 
for  hi«  sbruitk  ftei ;  and  his  poor  trtfinbling  knces 
Stra^gUntr  apart,  like  childish  helplessness. 
He  tuujblea  on  the  ground !    Last  scene  of  all 
That  ends  this  cold  and  Irosly  history 
Is  a  sharp  wind — upsetting  every  one, 
Sana  sLiolt,  sans  cloak,  sana  hat,  sana  everything. 


HORRIBLE  EFFECT  OF  THE  CHAMBER  OF  HORRORS. 

SOCH  is  the  infiiience  of  evil  example,  that  we  sliall  be  haying  our 
doll-niakers  taking  Ibeir  models  from  the  uasemblaee  of  waxen  horrom 
in  Baker  Street.  Men  are  but  children  of  a  larger  growili,  and  if  full- 
stzed  people  can  be  amused  by  murderers  cot  up  as  mere  dolls  ^be  sixe 
of  \i\t,  it  is  to  be  exp-cied  that  ilie  smaller  Iiy  will  take  delight  in 
havini^,  as  puppeta  to  amuse  their  play  hours,  the  miniature  repre* 
acnUtiiona  of  tnose  atrocious  monsters  in  whom  their  parents  take  on 
intereaK 

The  very  prospect  of  such  a  profAniition  of  one  of  the  most  pleading 
instincts  ot  fitllc  Rirlhood— a  love  of  dolls— is  sufficient  to  inspire  us  with 
adflicrminalion  to  put  down  a  nuisance,  which  is  bad  enough  when  it 
corrupta  the  taste  of  our  elders,  but  which  becomes  ten  times  more 
odious  when  ii  aeema  likely  to  bring  contamination  upon  our  female 
jtiTe&iles. 


A^^. 


-^^4'i»r^^jiK> 


aiS,   PXAa,  WHAT  A  aWEST   doll  MA-A    MAS   KAfiC  poa   MB.' 


Th«  Bath  «nd  Wftah-house  for  Old  Mastera. 

A  ORXAT  deal  has  been  said  both  for  and  agairst  the  picture-cleaning 
at  ilie  Nktiuitttl  Gallery,  ll  seems  undeniable  tl<nt  the  clfbiiinic  of  tlir 
old  iMdSlers  biings  out  their  tints,  but  unfortunately,  with  such  strength 
aa  to  lay  bare  their  canvas. 


THE  LATEST  ADDITION  TO  THE  BRITISH  STAGE. 

New  character  has  latelr  aprongnp  into  tbo  pantomimis 
sphere.  He  ia — aa  little  ooya  should  be — seen,  but  not 
heard.  His  name  ia  the  J^oriie.  All  hia  talent  ia  con* 
oentratcd  in  hia  body,  arms,  and  legs.  He  is  kicked 
about,  thrown  about,  tumoled,  twiated.  and  turned 
about  in  all  poaaible  and  impoasible  directions.  One 
moment  he  is  a  wheelbarrow— the  next  he  is  a  human 
cracker,  bounding  across  the  stage,  and  ultima  ely  dis- 
appearing through  a  chemia''s  window.  He  prrfcn 
walking  on  hia  hands  to  hii  feet.  His  akin  ia  niostlf 
greepf  when  not  red — but  if  It  ia  not  red,  then  i'  la 
mostly  green  with  red  stripes.  His  hraa  is  sonieiimra 
furnished  with  a  pair  of  crimson  horns,  and  his  ejes, 
when  he  winks  and  oglea  at  tlte  gallery,  are  not 
pleasant  to  look  at,  though  generally  rewarded  with 
a  loud  cry  of  "  Bra>To !  '* 

The  Sfrt-iie  is  on  familiar  ternta  with  the  dene*  and  Pantaloon,  and 
allows  them  to  take  what  liberties  ibey  pleaae  with  bim.  He  is  open  to 
all  sorts  of  blows,  smacks,  and  insult*,  and  only  skips  and  luoibles  the 
merrier  fur  them.  The  more  be  is  kicked,  the  better  he  is  nteased,  and 
he  rarely  leaves  the  stage  without  some  bodily  affront.  He  rt-spcotj^ 
however,  the  ColvwLine,  excepting  iu  the  6rst  scene  after  the  changes, 
when  he  joins  hands  wiih  ber  wittiout  any  pride,  previous  to  falling  flat 
upon  hia  face  with  CUacm  and  Pantaloo*,  by  express  order  of  HorUquiiCt 
wand.  But  it  is  in  thr  lasi  soene  wliere  he  is  the  grandest.  Look  for 
him  in  the  final  *'  Bower  of  Sugar  Candy," 
and  you  will  see  him  on  bis  head,  standing  on 
the  topmost  bar  of  the  glittering  Cfige  of 
wickerwork.  He  ia  tbo  crowning  glory  of  the 
evening.  If  there  ia  a  "Catarac  of  a  Thou- 
sand Battles  of  Champagne."  wherewith  to 
send  every  one  home  madly  intoxicated  with 
the  evrntng'a  rfmtomime,  ^ouwill  behold  the 
^ritc  dMigling  by  bis  feet  in  an  oo^an  of  t>lue 
tire,  kiFsinK  his  hands  ex'aticaly  to  the  pit. 

The  Sprile  is  proud  of  his  high  position,  and 
he  has  one  great  virtue,  which  many  a  Uowk 
might  borrow  from  him  wirh  sdvanttige— he  never  talks.  There  is 
another  p-culiar  merit  about  hia  caou'cbouc  performances;  and  that 
is,  like  buxiDg-Day,  be  onlv  comes  once  a  year.  It  ii  especially  fot 
this  rare  merit  that  we  rank  the  Spriia  far  higlier  on  the  English 
S'age  than  many  other  performers  whoui  we  could  mention.  The  ^priU 
haa  so  ideniiOed  himself,  body  and  bone4,  with  the  British  Stage,  and 
haa  obtained  so  tirm  a  liuld  round  the  necks  of  down.  Pantaloon^  and 
the  BriMsh  Public.tliat  uuthtDtr  short  of  the  total  anniljdaUon  ol  Oeoiye 
BartiKfll,  or  the  sudien  coiilUgration  of  all  the  copies  in  the  worlu  of 
Jane  tiAorv,  cao  possibly  kick  him  olT  those  buaros  that  bare  been  so 
nobly  trod  by  Gbimaldi.  and  atill  feel  the  stupendous  stamp  ol  ToK 
MATHiwa. 


CORN  AND  CROWN. 

Tfs  existence  of  the  Monarchy  is  to  depend  upon  the  re>enaotraei)t 
of  the  Com  Laws.  Queen  Victokia'b  Cro»n  is  to  be  secured  in  the 
sack  of  Protection  or— or— but  let  Me.  RoptR,  wlio  spoke  a  day  or 
two  ago,  at  the  Dublin  County  Meeting,  apeak  the  threat  fur  himsell — 

** '  GcnUemeD,*  aald  Ma.  CBASLaa  Rons, '  If  wt  an  t«  bftr«  Am«rleui  pricM  for 
provUJotu,  TUX  pBorut  at  LSJiuTy  wijo.  axva  AitaaiCAir  raicai  voa  OovaavMarr.*  ** 

And  we  are  told  that  this  observation  was  received  with  rapturous 
cheering.  If  com  is  to  range  below  &0#.,  Ui  Mh.  Switt.  the  keeper  of 
the  Crown  Jewels,  look  warily  to  his  charge— if  Indian  cobs  conie  in 
duty  free,  what  a  blight  upon  that  bed  of  strawberry-leave»,  the  House 
of  Lords  1  If  the  landlords  do  not  protect  high  rents,  they  will  have 
cheap  Government.  Thus — awful 'o  consider  I's  ultiiiiate  end! — the 
very  chair  taken  by  the  Cavalier  DisEasu  at  Bucks,  may  beoome  the 
official  seat  of  Peescdeht  BenjauI}(  at  t5t.  James's  t 


LAZARUS  8HUNAMITK.  FLORIST.  COVKNT-OARDEN  MARKET, 
UkcH  thli  oppoTttiDltr— tbi  TbtFMtnm  Mnfg  now  lo  fuU  blow— «f  lufnnBltic 
ACTRESSES  In  gvneral.  tbit  hn  cunltnun  ta  supply  bouinieU  af  all  w>rU  and  itxat, 
to  ht  flimir  te  Udlci  of  trvrj  cra^«.  during  tb«  ptaM,  or  on  UM  Ml  of  ttks  enruUD.  H« 
hastiouqnatfl  cooataDUy  od  baud  fur  oTerybody,  froa  lo^p  JftuMA  dawn  to  tittU  IKeltit 
— the  tiigli  trHgwIjr  Ixniquvl— tbu  prUum  tlunna  bowiMi—aiid  tba  bouquet  for  oooiia 
chftnibftnnaldA. 

Tbn  bcvquiu  are  arrmngwl  afWr  tho  Oriental  fashion,  h  that  tb«  actrvM  haa  a 
noft«^y  uid  a  ertddam  In  ibo  Mama  bunch,— arery  Oovar  aaanUn  ioBaihliig.  Tba 
vijnnnl'MK  vary  tt'.rm  "beautUul" — " ilrliriinii  "  "  nnrtliral." ta tha anlTCril arntciwa 
"  Ernty  Evsnlax,  IT  ]rna  plaaM,  until  Further  Ntftloal'* 

AotTMiaf  or  Hanaitara  trwitacl  with,  alihvr  nightly,  fcr  tha  ran  ofa  piece,  or  fbr  tka 
ivIm>I«  aesjuo.    Ordera  for  iMPDfnata  [and  th«  Boaaa]  pvnoittany  attcoAad  to. 


B  deligtit  in  picking  up  itrt^  ■trawa  of  duu 
racter,  and  balaccing  Ihem  on  our  mind**  nose 
— Tor  tf  ihi  uiiml  hu  an  tfo,  of  ooorte  it  must 
luTe  a  nose. 

Tiie  lUilwv  »t'iU  abounds  in  charact«ra^ 
though  so  Biainr  have  reorntly  been  tost  there. 
It  baa  beos  at  Woolvc^rtfin.  HinaiAuhani,  Derby, 
•ad  muy  otber  stations  ot  preasing  hunger  and 
ihint,  that  ye  bnvo  dcToured— n<vw  villi  a  stale 
bun,  now  wih  a  ba^in  of  l»ot  soup  iu  our  hand 
— tho  following  liiile  delicious  bit  of  character. 
It  anawera  to  Ibe  name  of— 


Tifli  BaiLwar  oEraBanMEHT  oru. 

How  prelLy  she  is  I  Y"u  jump  from  the  *ram 
wi'h  mx  hours'  acounmta'ion  of  appe  ite.  Your 
hungry  eyes  survey  the  ilock  of  piw'ry  and  pork 
pies  ihai-  are  amnged  niathen.aticaily  on  the 
Board  of  Il)-Healih  berore  you«  and,  in  the 
templing  variety,  you  arf>  pr.Tz\t-(i  uhich  to 
cbooae.  A  fairy  form  with  a  hionde  cap  tti't 
before  you,  and  your  indrciMon  grows  ^rrateTt 
A  silyenr  litlie  voice,  no  bigger  than  a  fuurpennr 
piroe,  asks  you  "  what  you  will  pirate  to  l^ke  r* 
and  in  tt'e  nervou-ness  of  your  throat,  you 
nairmur  oo'iingly,  "Turtle,  real  lurlr."  The 
n*xt  riinufe  i*  iiKuded  vou  a  ^ouo-pU'e,  swim- 
ming full  of  ox-toils— and  mechaniciilly  you  dip 
the  silver  spoon  in'o  it.  You  have  »cald<-a 
yourself,  of  course — but  wha'.  mutter  P  One 
glance  from  those  loving  eyes,  and  the  pain 
has  sweetened  iu^o  pleasure.  The  plate  is 
still  before  }ou,  and  you  keep,  blowing^  bbwing 
—or  rather  sighing,  signing;— but  your  eyes  and  thoughts  are  fixed  on  the  moving  Graee  beforr^  you. 

H'jw  good-natured  she  is  t  She  has  smiles  and  change  for  every  one.  Her  hands  fly  over  I  he  table  as  nimblr  as  those  of  a  Oennan  professor 
over  ibe  piunoforle.  She  plajs  on  the  teacups  with  the  rapidity  of  Thaiakbo.  Harmony  secois  to  flow  from  her  flogera,  and  ceeh  gtisa 
she  touches  becomes  a  nuisicdl  eUss. 

But  though  ihr  Railway  Refr»bm^ni  Girl  plays  so  adntirably.  yet  she  \s  rarely  heard  to  sing.  Talk  to  her  as  much  as  yon  please,  she 
seldom  replies.  The  fact  Li,  she  discourses  with  siuiles,  siid  each  smile  is  as  good  as  a  song,  looking  almost  as  if  it  said  aluud,  "  Will  Ibou  lore 
me  then  as  nowF" 

Neatness  waits  on  each  li'tle  sotion  she  performs.  She  puts  in  the  sugar  to  the  ne^s  herseJf,  screws  up  the  mouth  of  each  paper  ba|r  so 
tighMy  that  the  mixed  bi:<cuits  will  not  fall  out,  and  never  bands  "coppers"  (Shame  that  she  should  touch  such  things !)  exccptlsK  in 
the  handsomest  envelope  of  brown  paper. 

Hrr  dre.t|  is  a  study  for  a  milliner.  Her  oap  would  win  a  smile  from  the  most  captious  Utile  griuUe,  and  the  gay,  fluttering,  strings,  never 
obtrude  I bemstlvrs  into  the  coffee,  or  th^call's-fooi  jrlly,  or  improper  places.  Hrr  apron  is  after  tlie  pattern  of  aprons  that  are  worn  by 
stace  wax' ing-niaid\  only  much  prettier.  Her  gown  shines  like  a  summer's  day,  and  brightens  your  eyes  io  look  at  it,  Takeheralto- 
ffethcr  (otJy  the  counter  prevents  thai.  !j  you  woula  say  tliai  she  lived  all  her  life  in  a  Fiench  Fashion-Book,  and  only  came  down  upon  eftrth 
for  certain  five  minutes  every  day  to  feed  a  drove  of  sta-^vmg  passengers. 

Is  sbe  moflalF  For  apparently  she  does  not  require  the  vui^r  sleep  tliat  other  mortals  in  bright  petticoats  cannot  dispense  with. 
Drop  upon  her  at  what  hour  you  will,  the  Railway  Hcfre^bment  Girl  is  alwa>s  the  same.  At  five  o'clocic  in  the  morning  she  looks  as 
sun&binv  as  at  noon;  a*;  ten  at  night  her  eyrs  pour  out  as  much  brightness  as  in  the  ntiddle  of  the  day.  Her  dress,  too,  never  betrays 
the  smallest  loof^epin  of  hurry,  or  negligence.  You  can  generally  tell  the  time  of  day  bv  a  lady's  hair;  but.  it  is  quite  impossible  to  pay  what 
hoiir  it  IS— whi-ther  A.H.  or  PH.— {rom  the  neat  little  head  before  you.  Who  ever  saw  a  Hatlway  Refreshment  Qirl  in  curl-papers  P  She  lives 
in  perpetual  ringlets. 

Tour  heart  is  at  her  feet— if  feet  she  has  any— for  nono  are  to  be  seen ;  and  she  appears  to  walk  on  wings.  Toor  reverie  deepens  at 
every  glance :  your  admirrttion  is  sunk  to  the  depth  of  an  Artesian  well,  and  overflows  all  your  nature ;  when  suddenir  a  sharp  bell  wakes 
Tou  up  to  life  again.  Timidly,  you  ask  what  there  is  to  pay?  and,  leaving  your  soup  and  your  heart,  behind  you,  hurry  out,  none  the 
Lappier  for  iho  cliango  ihat  is  ringing  with  a  hillow  sound  in  your  wais'coH'-pockrt  next  to  your  bea'ing  bosom.  Your  appetite  is  un- 
i^eased,  but  your  thoughts  are  full^  and  for  hours  you  feast  on  the  sweet  reooilectiocs  you  have  imbibea,  if  nothing  else,  fiom  your 
tnterriew  with  the  Railwat  Refkeshment  Gr&L. 


4 

4 


HOPE  FOR  HUDSON. 

T01  Chr^nicU^  in  ■  ver?  philosophical  arlicle  on  the  treatment  of 
spots  and  s'ains,  shows  how  the^  majr  be  discharged  by  proper  means 
— shows  how  dirt,  though  inch-thick,  icill  rub  off  reputations,  when  the 
dirt  is  well-dried.  1 

"  Tboa  [flKr"  t^  Chrmid*.  bwlhlny  hape  to  HoAaoallo  the  caanm  of  net  nimy  yean,  | 
byUMeflKtnr«  pni'Icnt  Bliraoc,  snd  t  dvcnnm*  roUirtn^nt  (Vum  otMcrvBtlao,  «  dl>- ' 
graesd  pobUc  m*u  oot  unrrvMlKoUy  rrxrrtt*  his  MtamitrT,  knd  -  albvlt  itigMl^  damagtd  ' 
IB  Audi*  ^  tk»tt  who  raaMktnr  tht  elttmataiMM  U  hi*  cut— if  h«  liaa  flCHira|« 
•Doa^  to|iut  Kgmid  fMwupon  Uw  in«tler,w«y  waw  h\» yot^iim^ 

Contemplating  this  sentence,  we  leaned  back  in  our  chair,  looking —  j 
as  is  our  wont  when  in  meditation — upward  to  tbeeeilint;  and  there- 1 
npoD,  in  a  few  seconds,  we  rtsdj  or  seemed  to  read,  these  lines : 

"  From  the  Morning  Po»t,  Teb.  — ,  ISfiO. 

"LMtnl«ht,alt04«l  800 of  (lwi«Miwnd;v««r««ntarUln«l  brOCxTMil  HoMOV,  Ba4, , 
who.  ftftf  r  a  n!tin<m»nl  bC  koma  yeum,  ta  MfuaqoenM  of  dftlMie  ti«»ltli.  ibnogh  not 
UuUgtiUoD,  u  gcMnlly  bttUrsS,  bu  acftla  imcamad  to  %  brllUant  aad  noEMroiia 
clKl«,ofwUafaha  WM  Lb  byevBttfo^tbtaml  ■aA«rwa«Dt ;  aad  wboM  looc-lUBaBUtl 


AlMwnoe  has  Ihrown  oouslonal  tf  nam  awar  Chosa  fiurioH  wlan  (tbs  amotloa  eoald  not 
»lwftr«  bo  vuppnnsf)  sona  klad  volos  baa  wblmr'd,  "  I  wUb  he  wera  here."  Wa 
fjimiot  r1v«  ■llrt  of  tlMomqiMif ;  BoiBae  It  to  mt.Ii  wu  oompcwedof  the  leading  stara 
orrathlon;  of  alt  that  mates  lift  wlsi^  and  good,  and  twblv,  aod  brlllUot,    DanciDC 


wu  kept  lip  antn  a  lai*  hmr,  aad  tlia  aaeMr  wae  of  a  tuuet  pmftiM  jtud  eoMly  dMcrit^ 
tfon.  We  are  happr  to  hoar  that,  called  Vif  ttte  Qna&lniotu  voice  of  tbn  wn«Htu«Dcr, 
Ma.  HiTpeaNcoeadoTTi  tn  lUnil  fur  BnnderUni]  next  week.  Be  wiU,  of  coiinie,  be 
tehimed  with  ono  bant  of  triimipiL  By  t)in  way,  one  email  loddeat  dut  epeak  tl« 
aralable  rood-aattira  of  the  riiA  mod  worthjr  geaUemao.  Tbongh  m»ob  preued  br 
tlmn,  he  has.  at  the  reqaoaCof  the  elttscu  of  York,  consented  to  ill  for  aiuMhar  ftafl- 
fength,  for  their  UaneleD  Uouae.    Candnwenrion  like  title  U  abore  all  oommeQL'* 

And  this  was  the  handwriting  on  the  ceiling  with  the  fottahadowed 
dat«ofl860. 


LONDON   VTLK  AND   LONDON   WATEB. 

Tub  principal  difference  between  Lrndon  Milk  and  Ivondon  Wafer, 
after  tiaving  been  subjeottrd  to  a  careful  anatvsii,  appears  to  be  prettf 
nearly  as  tollows  :— In  the  case  of  I^ondon  Water  tou  esprc'  to  find 
water  at  the  bottom  of  the  chalk :  whereas,  in  the  ease  of  London 
Milk,  you  may  be  sure  to  find  chalk  at  the  bottom  of  the  water. 


I 

i 


LONDON  CHAl 


NELSON'S    DAUGHTER. 

The  hard  frost  set  in  at  an  unlucky  hour.  We  bare  i^,  upon  vhat 
we  would  fain  take  us  authnrity,  that  just  as  certain  dignirarita  of  ttie 
two  professions  of  arms— the  Field-Mar»lmla  and  tbe  Admiral*— liad 
warmed  thtmaelves  into  &  late  deternunalion  to  become  tlie  bud  of  a 
Committee  lo  keep  Kelson's  Horatia  from  the  palronasre  of  France 
—a  visilaMon  threatened  in  lofticBt  wording  by  the  rresiaent— Must  a* 
the  head*  of  the  Nayy  and  Army  had  resclved  to  appeal  to  the  English 
nation  in  aid  of  Nelson's  dauRbter.  tlie  frost  set  in— the  quickailvrr 
dropl  in  Ibe  gUss,  and  witt*  it  fell  the  sympathy  of  Marshals  and 
Admirals.  Like  Mi^ciuusEN'a  trumpet,  their  »pirils  were  frozen 
in  tbeir  marliat  bodiei. 

Olhennise,  and  had  only  the  frost  held  off,  we  should  have  seen  ere 
this,  ihe  name  of  the  DutE  ov  Wellimgtok,  with  the  names  of  all  ihe 
Waterloo  men,  of  the  men  of  Trafalgar,  shining— shin inj  in  a  cluster- 
like  the  beat  of  their  own  blood-bought  stari.  They  would  have  bcpn 
Kathered  together,  the  lustrous  Couiniittee—*ith  power  to  add  to  their 
brilli8nls—k)r  the  purpose  ol  viuUicating  the  right  of  Nelson  to  the 
gratitude  of  EnglisLmen ;  a  rigbt.  living  and  beating  in  the  veins  of  bis 
child.  Bat  juit  at  the  moment,  the  frost  as  we  say,  sot  in,  and 
Murshats  and  Admirals,  with  their  Bngers  prepared  for  the  operation, 
could  not— Ibey  were  so  cold- unbutton  their  pockets. 

Wc  know  that  the  name  of  Nelsom  is  aUeadv  chargeable.  Excise, 
or  Customs,  or  Assessed  Taxes,  have  one  of  tbe  nibbles  out  of  the 
many  thousand,  at  the  daily  subitance  of  the  EngUshman,  such  nibhlci 
put  together,  making  these  pensions  (without  a  word  upon  the  sum 
that  bought  the  Nklsos  lands.)  thus  allotted— 


Eaiil  NBUoy.MDofibetMpbrwd'ADJUiut,  NcLSba 

CooimLM  or  NiLCOM,  ■rU'o  of  tba  Kbora 

DowAaaa  ComrriM.  widow  of  Um  Ailinlr&l'i  nepbaw 

TonAineorNBLSuit 


caono 

1000 
90OO 

saxo 


Tliis  is  a  good  sum;  very  handsome  salaries  enjoyed  upon  the  luck 
of  alliance  with  hero's  blood  heroioiDyshcd.  As  for  the  Earl  Admiral's 
brother,  who  inherited  the  profits  of  Trafalgar,  and  bobbed  in  for  Ihe 
coronet  that  missed  the  deiid— he  was  in  heart  aaJ  soul  as  much  allied 
to  the  sailor,  as  a  barnacle  upon  the  coppers  of  the  Firtoru  was  a  portion 
of  her  heart  of  oak.  Neveribcless,  they  took  pABaoN  Baknaclx,  and 
gilded  his  simoniacal  head  with  a  coronet,  and  he — kcepinjr  iho  tenor 
of  bis  way— cheated  Lady  Hamilton,  duly  robbing  the  sailor's  child^ 
Ncuoh's  oiphan  lloaATiA.  Whereupon,  the  Prince  op  Wales 
wrote  letters  of  sympathy  that,  like  all  such  epistles  from  his  royal 
hand,  were  by  no  means  worth  the  ink  that  blotted  the  paper. 

In  the  meanwhile,  Hob-atia's  mother  dies.  The  woman  to  whom 
England  was  indebted  for  the  intflligencethat  made  victory  sure— for 
it  took  Nelson  alongside  I  he  French  tlect — dies  in  a  corner  of  Calais  and. 
with  liHle  other  than  a  pauper's  funeral— (two  Englisbwomen  clubbed 
old  silk  petticoa's  to  serve  for  a  pall) -was  laid  in  earth,  now  turned  to 
a  tinibcr-^ard.  The  Parson  Earl  did  not  erect  a  handVbrcadth  of  stone. 
Yet,  to  him,  stone  must  hare  been  cheap  enough.  The  man  must  have 
carried  a  quarry  inside  of  him. 

Nevertheless,  England  is  very  grateful  to  the  memory  of  her  hero. 
England  buys  a  magnificent  es*  ate  for  Nelson's  black  brot  her :  England 
dresws  tbe  par*on  as  Ehrl,  and  gilds  him  and  his  successors— and  wives 
to  boot,— inch-thick  wiih  the  alchcn  y  of  the  tax-man.  And  so  we 
hououred  the  hero  Nelsok.  We  honoured  him  at  St.  Paul's ;  and  we 
honoured  him.  dressing  up  a  human  lay-figure  in  bis  name— in  the 
I  House  of  Lords.  .    . 

^ft  And  still,  we  honour  Nelson  in  his  Traralgar  ooat.    Por  is  it  not  to 

^1  be  seen  in  a  shrme  of  plale-gUsa  at  Greenwicli  P    There  it  lies,  a  thing 

^1  of  daily  honour— open  to  all  worshippers. 

^m  And  do  we  not  honour  Nelson  in  tbe  very  bullet— in  the  mortal  bit 

^1  of  lead  that  deprived  Hokatia  of  her  fatlier,  to  be  exposed  by  her 

^1  fathcr'a  brother?    Yea;  we  do  honour  even  to  that  bit  of  misctuef. 

^1  since  associated  with  the  fate  of  Nelson— for  only  a  while  ago  did  not 

^1  pRJKCK  Albeet  receive  as  a  precious  gift,  that  bit  of  Irad ;  and  did  he 

^1  not— if  Court  historians  write  truly— in  a  very  graceful  speech,  express 

^H  his  v^ue  of  the  gift,  and  his  determination  to  treasure  it  as  a  dearest 

■ 

^1  We  honour  ibe  Nelson  coat — we  honour  the  Nelson  bullet— but 

^1  Nelson's  child,  Nelson's  living  flesh  and  blood,  are  not  of  such  value 

^1  u  moth-eaten  woollen,  or  an  ounce  of  old  metal 

L 


As.  however,  the  Lords  of  the  Admiralty  permit  the  Victory  \q  be 
shown,  and,  as  where  Nilson  was  shot  is  roaracd  hy  an  engrRvedpUte 
— WAsuggesK  to  tbrm  the  eligibihiy  of  cutting  a  till-slit  through  the 
plank  where  Nelson  fell,  and  placing  a  money-box  below,  with  another 
plate  above,  thus  marked— 

"fiUBacEiPiioKB  roa  hoblatu." 

In  this  way.  Nelson's  counirymcD,  desirous  of  contribul  ing  to  a  Fond 
for  Nelsom'i  daughter,  will  know  in  what  place  to  deposit  tbeir  money. 
Wc  do  Lot  buRgcst  Ihia  without  due  cause,  for.  at  thu  moment,  we  are 


beset  by  a  difficulty,  having  received  a  subscription  for  Hoiutia,  which 
is  worded  thus  : — 

"riVE   I<OUNI>8  TQVl  IIlRATIA   7R0U   AN   OIJ)   MAlI}." 

Now,  as  the  frost  has  prevented  the  formation  of  IheCorimiilter,  and, 
indeed,  as  the  bod)*  of  Marshals  and  Admirals  niay  never  thaw  to 
cougenial  point  again,  we  know  not  what  to  Ho  with  the  subscripLi'on 
forwarded  by  our  Correspondent,  "An  Old  Maid,"  whose  good  heart 
shows  that  she  deserved  the  best  of  husbands,  and  that  b'lsband  the 
very  beat  of  tailors.  Any  way.  Me  will  wail  a  few  days  for  tlie  prubablo 
formation  of  the  Committee.  If,  however,  the  bard  frost  seems  hkely 
to  continue — and  if,  again,  tbe  Lords  of  the  Admiralty  will  not 
comply  with  our  suggestion,  by  establishing,  in  default  of  grra'er 
measures,  a  subscrintion-box  aboard  tbe  fidory,  so  that  we  may  forward 
the  £5  to  the  fund  there  to  be  garnered— then,  and  with  deep  regrcf, 
we  must  return  the  money  to  tbe  kind  hand  that  sent  it  forth  upon  its 
journey  of  goodness — upon  its  task  of  true  and  gentle  sisterhood, — to 
be  further  directed  where  the  hand  shall  it  list. 

But  let  us  hope  better,  both  from  tbe  Lords  of  the  Admiralty,  and 
from  a  genial  thaw. 


TEE  NEW  HOUSE  OF  COMMONS. 

AViNQ  been  adaiit- 
ted  to  a  private 
view  of  this  great 
national  eatablisU- 
ment  which  is  — 
like  a  pert  child— 
in  a  state  of  great 
furwardurs*,  we 
proceed  to  give  a 
aescnpliouot  what 
we  observed.  Over 
I  he  Speaker's  chair 
is  a  gallery  intend- 
ed (or  Udies  ^hicli 
is  screened  with 
metal  work^  an  ar- 
rangement in  very 
bad  taste,  for  the 
ladies  tliemselvea 
would  be  "iiielal 
more  attractive-" 

The  floor  of  the 
House  is  of  iron, 
which  ii  very  hard 
indeed     for     ALa, 
"^^*'  O'CoNNELL.      and 

other  members,  who  may  have  a  faiUeue  for  dying  on  the  floor  ot 
the  House,  ana  who  may  not  be  prepared  for  taking  in  good  part 
this  touch  of  irony.  The  \^indowB  wDI  be  filled  with  stained  glaaSi 
reprrsenting  armorial  bearings,  which  is  crtainly  an  odd  sort  ot 
compliment  to  the  persons  whose  shields  are  represented,  for  it  stains 
all  their  scutcheons.  The  length  of  the  chamber  ia  62  feet,  which  is 
nearly  one  third  less  than  the  Lords— an  arrangement  of  which  we 
cannot  guess  (he  cause  ;  for  the  Lords  are  not  likely,  we  suppose,  to 
go  ffreater  lengths  than  the  Commons. 

The  height  of  the  building  is  45  feet,  which  will  allow  Cfrlain  eccen- 
tric members  to  go  to  their  usual  height  of  absurdity.  The  Houses  of 
Parliament  arc  to  be  connected  with  Westminster  Hall  by  anenormoui 
archway  and  a  magnificent  flight  of  stepf,  which  it  ia  expected  will 

Erovc  to  be  one  of  the  most  remarkable  flights  of  fancy  ever  attempted 
y  any  architect.  Tbe  cloi&tets  are  undergoing  restoration :  for  it  baa 
been  found  thrit  the  beauty  of  the  work  in  these  "vaulted  aislea," 
readers  it  impossible  for  a  "vaulting  ambition"  to  do  auythins  but 
"  overleap  itself,"  in  an  attempt  to  unprove  them. 


Windaor  TbeatricaU.-8halupeare  BoTived. 

Jatlivs  Caiar  and  Henry  th  Fourth  are  to  be  acted  before  the  Court 
at  Windsor  in  February  when,  in  accordance  with  the  spirit  of  recog- 
nition that  complimented  the  dramatists  last  year,  Shacspeaub  will  be 
duly  honoured.  As,  however,  in  hit  case  it  is  found  impossible  to  com- 
mand him  to  Court,  tbe  Chamberlain  has  received  orders  to  proceed 
tD  due  form  to  Stratford  Church,  and  then  and  there  to  prescut  the 
bust  of  the  immortal  Bard  with  a  handsome  eoat  of  while-wash.  After 
such  painting  of  the  lily,  Shaxspeajie  mtat  look  up ! 

a  koyal  daupeb. 
Tm  papers  inform  us  that  tbe  King  or  WiRTEiUERn  has  dissolved 
his  diet,  by  which  wc  understand  ihat  hii  diet  being  rather  too  atrooS 
for  him,  he  has  dissolved  it  by  throwing  cold  water  nil  over  it. 


80 


PUNCH*  OR  THE  LONDON  CUARIVARL 


SHOEOTG  THE  DUZE  OP  WEUINQTOH. 


Wb  are  sonrr  to  say,  that  the  City  has  lately  held  the  Hero  of  Waterloo 
■0  oheai>,  that  London  has  been,  what  is  vulgarly  called,  smokiBR  the 
Duke  vith  TolQmes  of  its  celebrated  smoke,  until  every  statne  of  hii 
Grace  haa  become  thoroughly  graceless  from  the  quantity  of  soot  by 
which  it  is  shrouded.  We  know  that  Wxlukoton  swept  erervthing 
before  him  on  the  Continent,  but  hi^  statue  at  the  Boval  Excbange, 
looks  as  if  he  had  swept  everything  behind  him,  including  toe  chimnies  in 
the  rear,  as  well  as  all  the  flues  of  this  ^reat  metropolis.  We  do  not 
wonder  at  the  Iron  Buke  being  black  in  the  face,  with  the  neglect 
he  has  been  made  to  experience.  He  that  never  showed  an  alteration 
of  countenance  at  the  fire  of  the  enemy,  has  positively  changed  oolooi 
at  the  fire  and  smoke  of  the  citizens. 

We  know  that  every  statue  may  exclaim,  "To  this  complexion  must 
we  oome  at  last ;"  but  sorply  the  Ramoneur  may  provide  something  in 
the  shape  of  a  remedy.  We  would  have  the  Duke  first  thoroughly 
swept,  and  then  kept  regularly  hearth-stoned  every  week;  for  hi» 
prf  sent  condition  is  really  a  most  distressing  one.  When  the  wind  is 
northerly  he  receives  in  his  ear  the  whole  ot  the  smoke  from  the  Bank 
parlours,  while  a  western  breeze  turns  tlie  whites  of  his  eyes  into  bUck 
with  the  culinary  apparatus  from  t)ie  Mansion  House.  We  are  not 
favonrable  to  what  may  be  termed  Hero  Wash-up  in  its  ordinary  sense, 
but  we  woald  certainly  have  the  hero  of  Waterloo  undergo  a  regular 
W&sh*up  once  or  twice  a  year  should  occasion  require. 


MAKING  VERY  LIGHT  OF  IT. 

A  Mb.  Da&t,  who  seems  actuated  by  the  most  laudable  aims,  haa 
lately  been  lecturing  on  the  philosophy  of  a  candle.  Though  the 
subject  is  a  simple  one,  we  thmk  that  a  candle,  in  judicious  hands, 
might  stiL*  serve  as  one  of  the  lights  of  the  age,  notwithstanding  the 
advance  that  gas  has  made,  wherever  it  can  nnd  an  opening.  The 
philosophy  of  a  candle  must,  at  all  events,  put  us  up  to  snuff,  and  if  an 
enlarged  view  is  taken  of  t  he  world  of  candles,  the  "  mould  of  form  " 
will  oome  in  for  its  due  share  of  illustration.  To  those  who  are  not 
prepared  to  take  a  bold  plunge  into  the  retpons  of  tallow,  it  may  be 
oonveninit  to  take  a  dip  with  the  accompiisfaed  lecturer.  It  may 
seem  like  going  back  m  the  world  of  i^hilosoptiy  to  return  to  the 
common  candle,  but  revenons  it  nos  momiom  is  a  maxim  that  is  not  at  all 
times  to  be  discarded.  The  philosophy  of  the  candle  will,  no  doubt, 
bring  to  light  some  carious  phenomena,  as  to  how  many  times  one 
pound  of  candles,  whicb,  by  the  ordinary  rules  of  duration,  will  not  go 
into  two  eandlestioka,  may  be  found  to  pro  easily  into  one  graaseirat. 
We  do  not  wonder  »t  the  iUwmiimti  MiBBg  on  a  ouuUe  la  a  menu  of 
ganentl  enlightenment. 


THE  BOND  STBEET  MENDICANTS. 

Jb  U  sMJiff  adoui  ike  Sireeit  to  a  JPtalm-iwu,  accompaiikd  2y  m 
Orffan,  b^  a  Part^  <f  Dukei^  Lordt,  and  *8^r€t,  M  tkt 
HabilimeiUt  appropnate  to  their  Caute, 

Solo  A5D  Choktis. 
yz  kind  Christian  friends,  subsisting  by  your  laboart» 

With  shame  in  this  state  we  before  you  appear, 
Kedticed  thus  to  beg  from  our  poor  hard-working  neighbooia ; 
Embarrassments,  believe  us. 
And  difficulties  grievous. 
The  reasons  are  why  you  behold  us  here. 
C4«rtM.^Reduoea  thus  to  beg,  &c. 

Restore  na  the  Corn-Laws  to  keep  our  rents  from  falling 

The  bread  that  you  eat  this  is  asking,  we  know ; 
But  haying  before  us  a  prospect  so  ^palling 
Of  moat  extreme  privation, 
Through  Free-Trade  legislation. 
Upon  your  cbuitv  ourselves  we  throw. 
CAtwM.— Heaueed  thus  to  beg,  fto. 

You  know  not  what  'tis  to  put  down  a  stud  or  carriage, 

To  give  up  a  kennel,  a  yacht,  or  a  tour, 
Abaadon  the  hope  of  an  advantageous  marriage^ 
Curtail  display  and  splendoui^ 
And  influencR  surrender; 
Strangers  to  such  afflictions  are  you  poor. 
Chona. — Reduced  thus  to  beg,  sc. 

The  farmers  at  last  have  begun  to  growl  and  grumble, 

Upon  them  we  cannot  much  longer  rely, 
A  ud  therefore  we  pray  you,  with  supplication  humble. 
To  tax  yourselves  to  ease  us, 
And  starve  that  vou  may  please  us. 
Our  incomes  raised  by  famine  prices  high. 
Cionrf.— Reduced  thus  to  beg,  &c. 

KrNO  Alfred  his  loaf  with  the  mendicant  divided ; 

\  e  workmen,  share  yoors  with  the  poor  *sqnire  and  peer : 
Oh,  let  not  our  piteous  petition  be  derided ; 
But  giving  bade  Protection, 
That  we  and  our  connexion 
Mav  live  in  clover,  make  your  own  bread  dear. 
Ckomt, — Reduced  thus  to  beg,  &e. 


GOING,  GOING.  BUT  NOT  GONE. 

I!v£RV  now  and  then  we  are  startled  by  a  false  alarm — and  we  are 
very  happy  to  find  the  alarm  is  a  false  one— of  Lord  Dehkav  being  aboofc 
to  retire  from  the  chief-juaticesbip  of  the  Queen's  Bench  on  acooont 
of  illness.  Whether  anybody's  wish  is  father  to  the  thought,  or 
whether  nothing  is  farther  from  the  wish,  or  whatever  the  case  may 
really  be,  it  is  quite  clear  that  the  cry  of  **  Going,  ^ing,"  which  is  con- 
stantly f^ot  up  in  reference  to  Lord  Denmak.  is  one  that  finds  no 
response  iu  tne  mind  of  that  distinguished  judge,  who  is  by  far  too 
good  a  judge  to  resign  without  reason  an  office  ne  fills  with  so  much 
gracSj  learninj;,  and  dignity. 

Tbe  cry  is  mvariably  accoinpanied  by  the  old  air  of  the  "  CampbelU 
are  coming \"  and  if  LoRD  Denhan  should  be.  as  we  are,  tired  to 
death  of  the  tune  in  question,  it  will  be  entitled  to  the  nsme^f  the 
tunc  llie  judge  died  of.  We  smcerely  hope  it  will  never  earn  ineh  a 
hateful  celebrity.  We  do  not  question  the  proprietr  of  LoBD 
Caupbell's  succeeding  to  the  Queen's  Bench  when  there  is  a  vaeue^ 
but,  notwithstanding  his  success  in  "  The  Uoe*  pf  the  CU^  Jmeticm, 
we  hope  tbe  life  of  Lord  Benican  as  chief  justice  will  be  iffolonged,  so 
as  to  prevent  Lord  Caufbrll  from  having  an  opportunity  jost  yet  of 
attempting  his  own- 


Shameful  Libel. 


Ths  Mtffmmff  Fott  says,  in  allusion  to  the  Windsor  play^ 
'^  Tha  pUvan'  Tanitv  kM  lieen  the  ohm  of  tlia  waSmn  drmma ;  sad  «■ 
Iftfannt  Uui'iba  hlghMtpoverof  tlw  Btate  tboold  hftvs  s&vltttBsly 

puiilar  to  the  evil  of  the  time." 

Our  Fo^t  tells  of  something  monstrous.  We  have  seen  a  Uadc  swa& 
— a  white  raven, — but  never  saw,  never  heard  of,  a  vain  player.  If 
rhere  ba  such  an  animal,  we  would  earnestly  advise  Ma.  TnsB,  of  thff 
Zoological  Gardens,  to  possess  himself  of  the  creataze.  It  wottU  be 
more  than  vortk  its  keen  whetter  eamiTonraa.  betUraoaa,  m 
^Einaoeoaa! 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


31 


PREVENTION  BETTER  THAN  CURE, 

K  the  dajrs  that  we  weat  floaoderiog  a  short  time  kgo,  we  thought  we  bad  used  ererr 

precaution  to  avoid  the  maor  a  alip  between  the  heel  and  the  hip,  which  the  frosty  weather 

exposed  us  to.    We  never  reoollect  to  have  seen  such  a  perfect  process  of  "  holding  a 

mirror  up  to  nature"  as  the  streets  exhibited,  for  the  p&Tement  was  like  glass,  and  every 

one  who  walked  along  could  not  only  see  himself  in  it,  but  felt  himself  on  it  rather  too 

frequently.     Hopin;^  to  preserve  our  standing  in  society,  we  resorted  to  gutta  peroba 

^^^^^^^^^  ^  sole*,  hut  bitter  was  our  disappointment  after  making  them  our  sole  reliance.    The  gutta 

\jl  ^^pItm^^H^^^^^^^^^^^        perchas  gave  us  so  purchase  or  hold  upon  the  pavement,  and  our  legs  slipped  away  from 

7^^=". .^^ / jMR^^^^^^S^^^^  under  us,   in  consequence  of  our  precautions  Laving  proved  altogether  bootlesi.     It  is 

true  that,  after  the  frost  had  disappeared,  the  papers  were  good  enongii  to  tell  us  how 
to  get  ourselves  rough-shod  for  frosty  weather.  It  seems  we  oaght  to  have  got  a  lot  of 
old  iron,  reduced  it  to  filings,  mixed  it  with  emery  scrubbings,  &c.  &c.,  and  having  made 
the  whole  mixture  thoroughly  red  hot,  we  ought  to  have  put  our  foot  in  it.  A  person 
who  could  Bland  this  might,  we  think,  stand  anything,  as  well  as  stand  anywhere,  and 
so  far  there  would  appear  to  be  virtue  ia  such  a  remedy  against  slipping  in  frosty 
weather. 

In  the  event  of  the  return  of  the  ice,  it  may  bo  desirable  for  our  skating  readers  to 
be  supplied  with  some  means  of  oiaiotainiog  that  equilibhum  which  is  so  essontial  to  inm 
dignity.  'A  balancing  pole,snpported  by  two  footmen,  will  furnish  the  aristocratic  votaries 
of  that  pleasure,  which  glides  away  faster  than  any  other,  with  the  means  of  pursuing  it  unalloyed  by  those  casualties  which  prostrate  the 
best  energie?,  and  reduce  the  highest  and  the  humblest  to  the  lamc  dumpy  or  bumpy  level. 


^».*i*-H.  7?^ 


I  HBT  the  waiter  in  his  prime 

At  a  magnificent  hotel ; 
His  hair,  untinged  by  care  or  time, 

Was  oiled  and  brushed  exceeding  weM. 
When  *'  waiter,"  was  ihft  impatient  err, 

In  accents  growing  stronfEer, 
He  ftCftm'd  to  murmur,  "  Ijv  and  by. 

Wait  a  litUe  longer." 

Within  a  year  we  met  once  more  ; 

'Twas  in  another  part  of  town. 
An  humbler  air  the  waiter  wore, 

i  fancii'd  he  was  going  down. 
Still  when  I  shouted  "  Waiter,  bread ! " 

He  came  out  rather  stronger, 
As  if  he  'd  s«y  wi^h  toss  of  head, 

"WaitahlUeioDger." 


THE  WAITER. 

Time  takes  ua  on  through  many  a  gra^Ie  -, 

Of  "  nps  and  downs  "  1'  ve  had  mv  run, 
Passing  full  often  through  the  shade 

And  sometimes  loitering  in  the  suo. 
1  and  the  waiter  met  again 

At  a  small  inn  at  Ongar* 
Still  when  I  call'd,  'twas  almost  rain — 

He  made  me  wait  the  longer. 

Another  time— years  since  the  last — 

At  eating-house  I  sought  relief 
From  present  care  and  troubles  past. 

In  a  small  plate  of  round  of  beef. 
"  Oae  beef,  one  taturs,"  was  the  cry. 

In  toaea  than  mine  much  stronger; 
Twas  the  old  waiter  standing  byi 

"  Wailing  a  liitle  longer." 


I  've  mark'd  him  now  for  many  a  year'; 

I  've  seen  his  coat  more  rusty  grow ; 
His  linen  is  less  bright  and  clear, 

His  polish'd  pumps  are  on  the  go. 
Tom  are,  alas !  his  Berlin  gloves— 

They  used  to  be  much  stronger ; 
The  waiter's  whole  appearance  proves 

He  cannot  wait  much  longer. 

T  sometimes  see  the  waiter  still ; 

'Gainst  want  he  wages  feehle  strile ; 
He 's  at  the  bottom  of  the  hill. 

Downwards  has  been  his  path  through  life. 
Of  "  waiter,  waiter,"  there  are  cries. 

Which  louder  grow  and  atrooger ; 
'Tis  to  old  Time  he  now  replies, 

"Wait  a  Uttlo  longer." 


Ice-berg;s  in  the  Tbuues. 

Amn  the  breaking  up  of  the  frost — which  broke  up  just  at  the  close 
of  every  one  else's  holiiiays — the  Thames  was  in  such  a  stale,  that  every 
vojsge  between  London  Bridge  and  Chelsea  was  a  sort  of  Arctic 
Expedition  in  miniature.  The  Bachelor  was  ice-bound  fur  some  time 
in  trying  to  effect  one  of  those  passages  which  form  the  most  eventful 
passsgfs  m  the  life  of  a  Thames  mariner.  Had  the  frost  continued 
much  longer,  we  might  have  looked  forward  to  the  total  freezing  up 
of  the  river,  vhich  would  for  a  time  have  connected,  in  the  bond  of 
union,  the  opposite  and  sometimes  opposing  shores  of  Southwark  and 
Blsckfrian. 


Kautical  Swemiing. 

It  was  stated  in  the  morning  papers  Ust  week  that  in  the  Bail 
Court— 

"  Sib  T.  B.  IUim  took  Um  oatlu  m  AAulnl  of  tb«  FIok." 

Taking  oaths  as  an  Admiral  of  the  Fleet,  it  may  be  thonght,  is  much 
the  same  thing  with  swearing  like  a  trooper;  a  prxotic^  which  we 
hoped  had  ceased  in  the  British  Navy.  We  trust  ihat  the  galUnt 
Admiroi  uttered  no  stronger  an  expression  than  the  wish  that  his 
timbers  might  be  shivered;  an  imprecation,  however,  of  which  vre 
should  lament  the  fulfilment. 


\ 


VOt.   XVIIJ. 


r  t 


IXi 


KSKCK  &R  THE  LD^DOW  CHARIVARI 


HOBSON'S    CHOICE, 

,QR  IHl  FEBJLEZITJXS  01  A  Q^HthEMAiS  IN  AEAUCH  OF  A  9.rKV^X% 
I 

Tthe  tiwi«  I  bad  bad  two  or  thrift  nMjTff  bo?>  in 

nk}'  fan.iJy,  I  |roL  10  bate  ibcm  as  if  i  K^d  been  a 

acond  Herod,  and  the  rest  ^f  my  honatholti, 

toOjWas  prelly  sr>on  tired  of  thp  wrelchf-s.     Ii 

any   youur  itousfkrcpers  read  r his,  I  would  pay 

to  ihfm,  Profit    bf  Tijy   pup^riene",  *nd    ncvtir 

keep  a  boy— be  httppy  wirh  il  inilour-iftBid,  fiut 

up  with  &  olmT*nroni&T],  let  the  oook  bring  up  your 

Qinner  from  ihe  ki  cheix:  get  a  gooii  servant  wbo 

known  hia  biinnr??,  aqd  pay  his  wa«ra  a§  eh«vr- 

fully  as  yon   pay :  but  never  have  a  boy  mlo 

j'our  plaof,  if  foa  value  jour  pfkce  of  niincL 

You  may  »av«  a  Jitrlo  in  the  article  of  waRpg 

wi^h  Ibe  little  ra^cal^  but  hawnmch  do  }ou  pu> 

in  diacort^foT-I !    A  boy  fa^j  f^^  mucb  aA  a  man, 

a  hoy  hrcjilM  tirice  a*  nmob  ah  a.  n  an,  a  boy  is 

t^idoe  ai  long  upon  an  frriiud  aa  a  omti ;  a  boy  hatt^s  your  plat^t  and 

semis  it  up  to  table  dirU ;  to\i  are  ncTcr  ceHaju  Umt  a  boy's  linRrra 

are  not  in  iht)  dish  vhichWbrinj^  up  to  your  dinner;  a  boy  puis  your 

boots  Oh  the  wrong  treei ;  and  wl^eii  af  the  end  of  a  year  or  two  he 

kat  broken  hts  way  ihrougn  yoar  crockery^  and  at  laat  learned  v^mt 

6f  hi*  bujttptMi  the  H'tie  miscreant  privaJety  adverturs  bin<»elf  in  tbe 

T.ates  sA  R  you'h  who  has  3  years'  characLer»  and  leaves  you  for  higher 

WAigf^s,  and  anolher  place.    Two  ^oung  tcailors  served  lUfl  so  iu  the 

CQurac  of  Diy  fatal  eipfiience:  with  beys. 

Then,  ia  a  family  rouDcil,  it  was  agreed  that  a  maTi  ?hauld  h*  ei]gB4red 
for  our  eBfabil-ilmienf,  and  we  hAd  a  «erirA  of  footnieo  (our  curate 
rccomntGnded  to  nm  our  lirat  man,  whom  ihe  cl<;rfF.i  man  had  foucd  in 
the  course  of  his  cbaiifable  eicur&ions).  I  took  fouv  ToHEJiia  out 
of  the  aarrer,  where  he  vaa  aiarviQ?.  He  had  panned  every  an  ide  of 
Talue  oelonging  to  liLirt;  he  bad  do  d^ceDt  clothes  left  in  wlicti  be 
could  ^0  out  10  offer  himaelf  for  a  aituatbo  ;  be  had  not  laa^ed  mej^ 
for  wecl(!<»  except  Bueh  rare  blip  n^he  could  ire t  from  f  be  ^avr  Cur&Le^a 
spare  table.  Hr.  came  to  ftiy  boiisCj  aad  all  of  a  TOddtn  m*hed  into 
plecLy  £LgEun.  He  bad  a  ormforrabJe  supply  of  olotbe?^  meat,  fire,  ard 
blankets.  He  had  Dot  a  bard  master,  and  as  tor  Manjm«^a  icolUiDfr,  he 
took  it  as  a  matter  of  ooarse.  He  bao  but  few  pairs  of  shnes  to  clean, 
and  liTed  as  well  »*t  a  Stan  of  five  hundi^d  a-ycar.  WciJ,  Joaw  ToHKiiite 
left  my  semce  in  sin  nonths  after  be  bad  been  drawn  out  of  Thr  jaws 
of  deatb^  and  af^er  be  had  ooirsidered  hinkscLf  luoky  a^  bein^  ubie  to  grt 
a  crust  of  brtad,  because  the  oook  served  bitn  a  diiuterof  Ouid  ment 
two  da}g  running—"  Ha  neTer  ad  bwn  used  to  wJd  neat  j  it  wa^  the 
custom  in  no  good  fam'Lies  to  gitt  cold  meat— he  wouldn't  stay  wberv 
it  was  praoliacd/*  And  away  he  woa^,  thea— very  likely  to  starve 
again. 

Him  there  followed  a  (fentiemaiij  whom  I  sball  call  Mk.  A^ershaw, 

for  t  am  posttiv^e  be  did  it,  although  we  never  could  find  him  out.  W« 
hftd  a  cbafdcter  with  rhis  aiuiabb  jouth,  which  an  anp^l  no^'it  ha^c  hcra 
proud  of— hitd  lived  for  sevcu  years  wi'b  Geweral  ItECToa — only  left 
occfiusc  ttie  family  wb-i  goinji(  aoroad,  the  General  bein^  made  G  vemor 
ard  Commander  in  Ctiief  of  the  Tapioca  Islanda^the  Gen'-rari  i^i»  rr, 
Mils.  Colon JL  A  ja.x,  livinp  in  iodf ing*  in  the  Edeware  Hoad,  answered 
for  the  man^and  for  rbeau'bentici^y  oflbe  Getierarate*timonialn-  WliPti 
Mamma,  MrS.  rAFTj^m  B, wailed upotiber,  Miis. Captain  ti.  remarked 
that  Mm  CouiKKL'slodgiuts  were  rather  queer,  bcmgsbabby  in  them- 
»elTC3i  and  over  a  sbabbier  stioTi-^ard  slie  thought  Ihere  wai  a  snitll  of 
hot  ppiiilsatid  water  in  Miia,  Coi/5ifEL*a  room  whew  Mrs,  B  entpred 
it  at  1  o*clook  ^  but,  pei-haps^  she  was  not  very  rich,  the  Colonel  hr\ng  on 
faalf-pay,  tmditDiiRbt  have  been  ether  aud  not.  runi  which  Mna.  B. 
smelt.  She  Okme  borne  annoan^^n^  thai  abe  had  found  a  treasMre  of 
a  servant,  and  Mm^  hjizSMHAW  stepped  into  our  pantry  and  put  oil  our 
livery. 

Ko^btn^  oould  be  hetier  for  some  time  than  this  fontlfinia'n'a 
behaviour:  and  it  wu  edifjinff  to  remark  how  be  barred  up  the 
house  of  a  nighty  and  besought  ma  to  see  Ibfitthe  plalew&is  ali  right 
when  he  hrought  it  upstairs  in  the  basket.  He  cons'anlly  warned  up, 
too,  of  thieves  and  rasr^S  about ;  and,  Ihoq^^h  he  had  a  viibmou^  ban^* 
doff  look  of  his  own,  which  I  could  not  bear,  yet  Mamina  said.  This  was 
only  a  prt^judice  of  minfl,  and,  indeed,  Iliad  no  fault  *o  find  with  the 
man.  Once  I  thought  something  was  wrongs  with  rbelook  ol  my  study- 
*&Me  ;  but,  as  1  keep  Utile  or  no  money  10  'he  hous?*,  I  did  not  give 
Una  circun^flt-RncB  much  thought,  and  once  Mbs  Captain  Bwdue  ?aw 
Mr.  ABtnauAw  in  conTeriation  with  a  lady  who  had  very  much  the 
appearance  of  Mofi.  Coi^nel  AjaX,  us  she  afterwarda  remembtred^ 
but  the  resemblance  did  not,  unluckily,  strike  Maiuma  at  the  tme. 

It  hit^pentd  onQ  ctcuq^  tbat  we  all  went  to  see  the  Chrisbnas 

rntomime ;  and  of  eourn  took  the  footmaD  on  the  box  of  the  flv,  and 
treatrd  him  to  the  pit,  »bet«  I  could  not  see  him ;  but  be  said 
afterwards,  that  he  enjoy  ed  the  play  very  mndL    When  the  pantomime 


was  oTf^r,  he  was  hi  waitinjr  in  tbe  bbby  to  hand  ns  back  to  th« 
carriw^  and  a  prflt*  good  load  we  were,  our  throe  cldldrcn,  ourselves* 
and  MBS,  CAFTaUi  B,,  who  ia  a  very  rootny  woman. 

Wbfn  we  got  home, — ibe  cook,  with  rather  a  guilty  and  terrified 
look,  owned  to  her  mi^lrea^  tha^  a  nioat  "'singlar"  misfortune  bad  hap- 
petied.  Shp  wao  positive  she  shut  ibe  door — sihe  could  take  her  Biblo 
04' h  she  dfd — afitr  the  boT  who  conies  every  evening  wi  h  the  paper; 
but  the  polfeeman,  about  ll  o'cl'  ck,  bari  lung  and  knocked  to  say  that 
The  dfior  was  op&n^find  otwn  it  wa*,  »ure  cnougli ;  and  great  coat,  and 
two  h«ts,  and  an  umbrella,  w«re  ^ooe. 

"  I'hank  'Evirs  \  the  pJate  was  all  locked  up  safe  in  my  pantry,*'  Mr. 
ABZBBifa.w  said,  turning  up  bis  eyes;  and  he  showed  me  that  it.  was 
nil  I  igbf  before  goin;^  to  bed  thai  Tcry  uiAht ;  he  cmild  not  slesp  unleas 
1  counted  i^  he  s^id— and  then  it  was  that  he  orir-d  oa%  Lord! 
Lord  I  to  think  that  while  he  was  an  barnjy  and  unsu9p<cious,  enjoin' 
01  biniBtlf  at  the  plav^  some  rvcal  abouldi  come  in  and  rob  Itis  kind 
masier  I  tf  he  'd  a  knowd  it^  he  oarer  would  hare  left  the  iMuse — 
nOi,  tbat  he  wouldn't. 

He  was  talking  on  in  ihk  way,  wLen  we  heard  a  lood  ahriek  from 
Mamma's  room,  and  her  b«il  began  to  ring  like  mad:  and  vresently. 
out  i^he  ran,  roaring  mt,  "Awna  MawaI  Cook!  Mm.  HomonI 
1  bjeves  ]  1  'jii  robbed,  I  'm  robbed  I" 

*' Where's  the  ecoundrel ?"  says  ABiitsRAw,  reising  tbe  pokff  as 
valiant  as  any  man  I  ever  saw^  and  he  mabed  upstairs  towante  Mrs. 
B.'s  apartment,  I  following  behin.l,  more  leisurely;  for,  if  the  rascal  of 
a  housebreaker  had  pistols  with  him,  how  waa  1  to  resist  him,  I  should 
likn  to  know? 

But  when  £  got  tip^there  was  no  tbi«f.  The  rooondrdi  had  bosn 
there:  but  he  waa  tonei  and  a  lar^e  l>ox  of  Mju._b.'s  stood  in  tbe 
c  ntre  of  the  room,  burst  open,  with  numbf^rs  of  things  strown  about 
tbe  floor.  Marimia  was  sobhmg  her  eyes  out^,  in  her  big  chair;  my 
wife  and  the  female  servants  already  asBembled:  and  Abkbshaw^ 
Mth  tbe  poker,  banging  under  the  bed  to  see  if  tbe  villain  was  atill 
then. 

I  WIS  tot  aware  at  first  of  the  extent  of  Msa.  B.'s  misfortune,  and  it 
Waa  only  by  degreei,  as  it  were,  tbat  tbat  unfortunate  Udv  was  brought 
*o  faell  us  what  she  had  lost.  Firs',  it  was  her  dresses  she  bemoaned, 
two  of  which,  her  rich  purpie  velvet  and  Iwr  black  satia,  were  gone : 
t4im,  it  was  her  Cashmere  shawl :  ther,  a  boi  full  of  ornaments,  her 
JBt,  her  pearls,  and  her  garnets ;  nor  was  it  until  tbe  next  day  that  she 
contessed  to  my  wife  that  the  great  loss  of  all  was  an  old  black  velvet 
rerioule,  contaiciag  two  hundrrd  and  twenty-three  pounds,  in  gold  and 
Doles,  L  suppose  «be  did  not  like  to  tell  me  of  this ;  for  a  short  time 
b?fort^  being  nomewbat  prwaed  for  monev,  I  bad  asked  her  to  lend  me 
some ;  when,  I  am  lorry  to  say,  tba  old  laily  declared,  upon  her  honour, 
tbat  she  had  not  a  guinea,  nor  should  have  one  until  her  dividends 
eaivtc  in.  Now,  if  she  had  lent,  it  to  roe,  the  would  have  been  paid  back 
af  air),  and  this  she  owned,  with  tears  in  her  eyeft. 

Well,  when  she  had  cried  and  tcreamed  sufficiently,  as  none  of  this 
grief  would  mend  matters,  or  bring  back  her  money,  we  went  to  bed, 
Abebsbaw  clapptng  to  all  f  he  bolrs  of  the  house  door,  and  putting  the 
great  bar  up  witb  a  clang  that  might  be  heard  all  through  the  street. 
Arid  it  was  Qot  until  two  days  after  tbe  event  tbat  I  got  the  numbers 
nf  tbe  notes  which  Mrs.  Cattajw  B.  had  lost,  and  which  were  all  paid 
into  the  Bank,  ^d  eichan^ed  for  gold  tbe  morning  after  the  robbeiy. 

When  1  was  aware  of  its  extent,  and  wlien  the  horse  was  stolen,  of 
course  I  shut  the  atable-door,  and  oalled  in  a  policeman— not  one  of 
.vour  letter  X  policemen— but  a  gentleman  in  pUin  clolhea,  who 
inspected  the  premises,  ciamined  the  family,  and  questioned  the 
servants  one  by  one.  This  Kentieman'a  opinion  was  that  the  robbew 
waa  not  up  in  the  house.  First,  he  au'^ppcied  the  cook,  thenheincunM 
towards  llie  housemaid,  and  the  jounglcllow  wi'h  whom,  as  it  appeared, 
t  bar.  artful  hu*^sey  was  seeping  company ;  and  those  two  poor  wretches 
pjtpisjted  to  be  carried  off  to  jail  forthwith,  so  gnat  was  the  terror 
under  which  they  lay, 

_  All  this  while  Mr.  AsEBiiitAW  gave  the  poUecman  every  informa- 
lion;  insisted  upon  Ijavicg  bis  hot «!•  examined  and  his  accounts  looked 
into,  for  though  he  waa  absent,  wai  ing  upon  his  master  and  mtstresa, 
on  fhe  night  when  the  robbery  was  committed,  he  did  not  wish  to 
eieape  B?nrcti— not  he;  and  so  we  looked  over  his  trunks  just  out  of 
eomplmiPTit, 

Th«  otEcer  did  not  seem  f  0  be  sat  jslied--a^,  indeed,  he  h^d  discovered 
nobbing  as  yet— and  after  n  long  and  fruiUess  visit  in  ibe  evening, 
returned  on  the  next  moruing  in  company  with  another  of  the  detectives, 
the  famous  ScnoaGii^s  indeM. 

A<i  aootmsihr  famous  dcaoo«Tm  saw  Abrwhaw,  all  matters  seemed 
to  change— "HuikJimRi-!*'  said  be;  **wliat,  )ou  hereP  atyeuro&d 
tricks  again  P  This  is  the  man  what  hna  done  iH,  dir,"  be  said  to  me; 
"he  ia  a  well -known  rogue  md  prig/*  Ml.  ABBBSSaw  swore  more 
than  ever  that  be  was  innocent,  ana  called  upon  nm  to  swear  tbat  I  had 
seen  him  in  the  pit  of  the  theatre  daring  the  whole  of  the  performanoe; 
but  i  conid  nei-^er  take  my  aJSdavit  to  this  ftot.,  nor  was  Mm.  8CS0»- 
onta  a  bit  wUisQed,  nor  would  he  bs  until  be  bad  tin  »an  op  to  iMc 
Street  Police  Court,  and  examined  by  the  magistrate. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CnARIYARL 


S3 


Here  my  jonag  man  mw  knovm  as  an  old  pracli'ionar  oa  tlie  tread- 
tiiiU,  and,  freiag  tlierc  wm  no  usr  tn  dfnyirtfr  lite  fnof,  he  confeswd  it 
yery  oAndiiUv.  Hu  owofd  'ha'  ho  *»ad  br^en  unfar-uiiAfc  in  his  youIh» 
111 .  '  ;  ut  been  in  Qknkual  Hkctou's  s«rviO"  f.he»e  fiv<*  ye^rs; 

til  (ter  be  had  got  wm  a  »liuro  on»,  and  Mu.  Ajav   infrrly 

a  r^.n....  v  ..o'ioii.  Eafi  DO  it'Ora  woalU  '"•  "I'-.i*!  ^  .  ^jj  whole 
dent  e  in  life,  he  »&il,  «aa  1o  be  an  kone'-  since  h"  had 

enter«d  my  service  be  bad  aHedaa  auoh.  uut  a  aincle 

instanee  in  wludi  be  bad  fatl^d  to  do  his  duiy?  Huc  there  vtm  no  um 
in  a 'Kjor  fpMow  who  Itad  met  with  misfortune  trying  to  retrieve  bim- 
lu-ir  -n- when  be  id i  I  th<s,  and  »pokc  ao  natiirallr  tlui 

I  L  to  swew  that  1  Aad  seen  biin  under  ua  aU  niglit  ift 

the  |M.  vti   i  ii-    ■  lit  '•'  re. 

9b«re  was  ito  evidpDOA  a^inst  him;  and  this  gooi  men  vaa  dla- 
ehar^l,  botU  (rotn  the  Polioe  oDioe  And  (tou  our  aervice,  wbero  be 
oottldn't  ahcar  fo  star,  he  iwiid.  no*  that,  hi*  Uhonour  wa%  questinn?;!. 
And  Mb*.  Buook  believed  in  hia  innooetiop,  and  prn^ialed  in  luming 
ofTihe  cook  and  hoiiHcmaid,  who  ahf^  wu  «iiro  boa  sf.n  ei  ber  nionr^v  : 
nop  waa  she  quite  c  mviooad  of  fbe  conlraT7  iwo  v^nrs  nffer,  wh^n  Miu 
Astiiaaaw  aod  Maa.  Couovbl  Ajax  were  boUt  transported  for 
forgery. 


WOODEN  IIEIDS  OF  SEVENOAKS. 


1.  iTbv  ike  Kent  Farmers  (rtaUd  iJiair  Friend. 

ECBKTLY  at  *bc  Scvcnonka  meeting  for 
the  artificial  BnrmmUlion  of  rent«  hist 
week.  Ea.rl  Stasoopi:  i^  reported  to 
have  made  the  following  confc9»ion :— 


THE  ?RII>B  OF  THE  THISTLE. 

Th»  b«m*.T,  the  tenderness,  of  a  poor  Higldand  Girl  ia  »erv  well  in 
pf>etrjr ;  but  is  an  awiul  visitation  upon  (he  oridc  of  an  old  Su(.)  cii 
family,  •'one  of  ibc  o'dcat  and  mosT.  rwpcr'abia — ti*  dmcendHnta  of 
the  c-h-b  &'od  Lard  I'reMdent  KoiuiJia ! "  Wben  Wo&oawoftiH  ^poa- 
trophisca  his  HiKhla:id  Qirl — 

"  flVTCt  KtelilaiMt  QktLa  TtrryfltMircr 
Ofbeauir  U  Ui>  («rttily  ikiwrr.  '— 

tha  dowry  o'  Hliea  and  roaaa  ia  of  allowRd  valae  in  rer^e ;  but  Dofc  worth 
a  bawbea  wben  estimaied  by  the  **  present  poaaeasors  of  the  extenkive 
eita  es  of  Culloatn.'* 

Wfl  haTr  been  v  meted  by  a  recent  instaooe  of  morality 

manifested  by  Sco  ■  A  youns;  een'leman— poai  ivcly  onft  of 

the  dwcendanis  uf  lUc  J  ■  FowiES— falla  in  love  wi  h  a  poor 

Highland  Girl  *'  of  con  iMwal  chaniis."    The  oouple  take 

fli<ht,aad  are  duly  mar*  u'u.  iii'r>ri0Do'  -  "  -'  \o  be  said  agaiuit 
the  brid^  if  wa except  the  one  worst  woi  And  then  n-bat. 

evar  loses  she  aiay  have  in  her  fece — sbt^  i._  ..:d,  un  oli  eunablod 

fluid  in  her  Vfins.  She  is  merely  a  itood,  be4Uiihil,  i^>vii)g  girl — and 
tbafisalh  What  a  filial  ma'ch — what  hvnienrMl  degiadauonlor  one 
of  lh«  '*  dpscendiiut-*  of  the  PaEiiDENX  Fo&bk!»  ! " 

The  lovers  are  pursued  to  Gla8i,'ow.  "  fwr.  ai  tlm  priest  cnn  make 
theai  tbay  are  one."  Ttujr  are  moreorcr  fast  laleep ;  but,  aays  the 
acoouat— 

"TYm  M»ttdi  ftf  Um  ymmm  KwUeoMn  ao«D  iiMwtA  Ibam fttnanaai*  »r love,  «wl 
ue4  |>«|iiU*ilon*, •ryutDmla,  •nd  Ihnmlis  ti>  indn«M-  biui  I0  <^mmr*  *<■—%  iiiiii  1  M  H^ 
ami  rvUini  to  hU  *""'>"-*r— '•■• ■ :  but  In  vnin  -  tan  hadl  m^  M*  cMn,  uid  nailM 
Id  Uve  tiid  din  In  Uw  wetilr  of  bis  Manning  bride." 

UflsnaiiimoufdrsoaDdazi'sof  the  PRcsiBiniT  Fobbbs!  We  cannot 
but  admire  thei^deTofc•dne^3  to  the  nobility  of  h  ^nour  nnd  Ixalb.  They 
threa'en  and  wnecdle  the  yoiinf^  man  to  dev^rt  ibe  wnman  lie  has,  an 
hoar  or  two  before,  sworn  to  cleave  to  for  life ;  and  when  be  will  not 
abanik»n  the  young  ereaturt*  who  haa  confided  to  Uiju  iBore  than  her 


nf  LordR  UpM 

■■ofwlOffrod  «n>Miv 
■  lltxir  atdt,  KtHl  1  111! 
ihfio  •  riiiinN-r  ■■( 
drwiMiii  ' 

«fliK-t,  1     ' 

Vor*>Ut>'<j   tAnli.n    nn  I    mlilf. -"icij    junt 

Ckbtsgcs  •fid  AAtiUnmron." 


In  th«  XXtmm 
'•Cwdlnjr  (VxMB 
liry   wunj  ool 

■  ■'n  tnm 

■  ■\ 


lor 


.    ....J 


At  which  words  th"  noble  RrirlS  affri- 
cullural  auditory  csclai-ned  "  llf-ar/* 

T^ow,  if  the  Kent,  farmers  bad  I'elt  any 
sympathjr  with  Kakl  tsTANiiui'K,  any 
indiitnaMon  at  the  diarcdpec'lul  treat* 
ment  which  birLordvhip  d^scrib'-d  hiutself  to  have  rcc.ived  from  his 
Peer",  tb-v  mip;h*  to  have  ciied  "  Si'Sme." 

I  ii<ht  the  Houne  of  Lords  ri<ht  in  taking  no  notice  of  bun, 

to  '  't"  wafl  couaiatcnt  enough, 

i^ut.  ih  •maa  \try  cruel. 

2.  Pkiiifiopk^  <ifan  Jgri^Uuml  MUd, 
Subjoined  is  a  special  mnnifesta'ioo  of  the  Landed  Wi^d^m  in  con- 
clave, Hs  above- mentioned,  at  Sevenoaks  assembled.    A  Mn.  J.  Bau. 

S&l  I  itlttt — 
I     **Ther*  wManiattfaiibtMnd— oiM  4j>  v)iicb  Ma.  Co«on>  and  Uiom  who  wled  with 

Hm  w«r*«Mtint  to  mC  hU'-i  <*■•(  iB»My«d  lnterc«t  rCAMv«)-UM  gmU 

tnlltirr  llirr    IM  r r  -*  i  >;ttod«U-ihe  ftind-bolder  ukd  ntf>rTcaMb 

\  ii»f  nuxuT-joabor.  uMircr.  «ii->  <  •tn*,  wko  ikMw  hftd  beaefllud  Irora  Um  low, 

yriCMi  vhtoh  bwl  "k  lU«  Iwi  35  yft*n'CA«r*).    If  tW  pr«w«nt  nv^nm 

•bould  bf*  Mnlov  "  not  alv«  tire  ywmm'  purcbMC  for  UUc  runt  of  KnglAiMt 

or itoa  dlTMtmto  oi  u." 

Firs'lr,  how  sensible  is  the  complaint  of  the  lowness  of  pn'cM  for 
the  Ust  35  }'earv.  uttered  by  a  grn  teruan  who.  iu  the  same  breath, 
bdwls  for  a  re«torft*'on  of  the  Corn-Laws,  which  have  existed  during 
the  irca^er  part  of  that  time ! 

Seoondly.bow  sagscioua  that  estimate  of "  the  great  moneyed  interest" 
which  fuppoaea  that  the  debt-owners  and  fitnaholders  are  seeking  to 
maintain  a  »y«teii>,  which,  if  per*i»ted  in,  will  cause  ihe  dividends  to 
cease  to  be  paid.  Either  they,  like  pigs  swimming,  are  cu  ti^it  their 
own  tbroatj,  or  as  suicidal  an  act  bas  been  peruetraied  by  Mjl  J  Bell^ 
at  Seveno&k.9,  with  the  rope  wbich  he  waa  too  Uberaliy  indulged  with. 


"  B«  w»«  (old  UmI  Id  •  %v  4a7*  tie  woaM  rvrafae  Um  mmti  fortiuM  mcnnd  to  him  u 

a  jouncvT  bmittcr  by  tl>«  ftBfljrftsUlcniwit.  lutJ  tb^t  log  ttm  n»t  of  bla  Ufa  ht  vould  be 
dbiQvitttS  by  Um  tkmily.  TfeaMattU  tiion  kit  liint,  panwcd  Uwlr  w«r  aonawirda, Md 
Ml  Iba  joaacattd  lovlog  timuoam  u  laMir  o»o 


This  ia  tndy  noble.  The  young  man'a  *'friend!i."  the  illustrious 
descendants  of  the  PaBslDEKT  Forbks,  in  tfeeir  anxiety  for  the  purity 
of  the  favtily  *&Gutchn)n,  do  not  ice  bow  it  can  be  blotted,  cither  bv  i  he 
falsebord  of  a  n'Sn,  or  the  broken  heart  of  a  woman ;  the  man.  oeing 
one  of  the  ^eat-  folks  of  Culloden,  and  tbe  woman  only  a  poor  Highland 
giri  \^A  gul  who,  we  doubt  not,  might  stwid  for  the  poet's  picture  :— 

"  Tbon  w«u-'tt  ttpw  Ihv  forelxwd  cIomt, 
Tfai  ftoJoni  ofa  sounUlAcrr ; 
A  IWrc  wHk  fclkdnaMUTcnpnwI. 
SoA  *ff'Uff^  by  '*T"i*p'  IrtniliHMi  )*trd  " 


Any  wav,  we  wonld  wager  it,  her  "forakiad  dear"  will  not  be 
deepcn'-d  by  tbe  blush  that  ougtit  to  have  paaseaaed  tba  faces  of  the 
"fne-ndi"  of  the  bridegroom,  enrneatly  entreating  bim  to  vindicate  the 
nobi'ily  of  his  blood,  and  be  a  rascal.  Such  \9>  Uns  tiride  of  ihe  Ttii^fle, 
as  worn  by  tbe  desceniianU  of  "tba  oelebr^ca  Loiu>  PajtaiDurr 
FoftBis !  **    We  wish  them  joy  of  it 


A.  TBtTOI^L  vtrmmnMTmnw 

Own  American  corrcspondeot  has  met,  in  New  York,  with  a  conrart 
to  laetotaliam,  wboj  whereas,  before  taking  tbe  pledge,  he  used  to  see  all 
objccta  double,  now  sees  only  their  halves. 


I  THE  SMTTHFIELT)  PHTLHATIMONIC  CONCERTS. 

I  TireSB  celebrated  reunions  continue  to  be  sttended  every  Monday 
and  Friday  by  numerous  assemblies,  of  a  refinement.  uorreT<pon<ling  to 
I  the  drlicate  atmosphere  of  the  locality.  The  perrormance  00  Mondur 
I  last  presented  no  novel  feature*,  hut  afforded,  as  it  never  fatls  to  afTjru, 
eitrenie  Rratificatinn  to  tbe  katituea.  A  barairo'e  by  a  sheep-dog  at- 
tracted our  especial  notice,  and  a  vocal  symphony  of  boss  presented  a 
cuiious  contrast  of  the  trebles  and  /^aoti  with  the  6assi ;  though  con- 
taioiii^,  we  1  bought,  seveml  discords  introduced  with  n  ore  effect  than 
^cieuUlic  skill.  Another  piece  performed  by  these  artiatts  had  a  strong 
reseriibUnce  to  the  Coittert  StUck.  The  Soulhdowns  and  Leicesters  wre 
s'rong  a<«  uiual  in  their  pastoral  chorus,  to  which  the  cows  gave  effect 
by  the  adoi^ion  of  their  low  note*.  An  ailegro  fitrioto  passage  dashed 
out  by  an  ox.  and  accompanied  by  a  horn  movf'ment,  told  greatly  on 
tbe  crowd,  at  whom  it  was  evidently  directed.  We  have  ^till  to  oom- 
plain  of  the  bad  acconimoda'ion  provided  at  these  entrrtainntents,  and 
know  not  whether  to  refer  their  maintenance  on  their  present  incon- 
venient aite  to  the  obstinacy,  or  folly,  or  cupidity  of  their  ouectors,  or 
to  ail  three  causes  together. 


Bhakapeare  among  the  Cheap  Tailora. 

Tbb  Shade  of  William  Shakspkahe,  having  peru«ed  certain  ao- 
COunts  o(  t%rannous  (ailurs,  hrss  te^vo  to  sugvest  from  a  tilile  plav  of 
his  own,  what  be  conceives  to  be  a  pertinent  motto,  to  be  painted  in 
red  letiers  over  their  shop-doors.  The  motto  wUl  be  found  in  a  play 
called  "  Oih£Uo;*  and  run*  ibua : 

"  X  ■wftATmo  Divn.  b«r«." 

And  therefore,— as  W.  8.  further  suggests,— a  dcril  to  bo  incon- 
tinently avoided. 


:^ 


SCENES  FEOM  THE  LIPE  OF  AJH  UNTEOTECTED 
FEMALE. 

ScMTB  IS.— Wp  9»4*U*  ^  MocrKLES,  ?LY-TltAT,  ft  Co-'S,  Wurfier%\ 
Shatci  and  MaiUia  tVareh'^f,  ^..  ^e.  The  windOH*  are  lamd 
ifiih  hand*  tf  all  flours,  and  runniwff  tU  all  angies^  ifSrriietL 
"  SrUinff  'ff,  ffff  per  tent  teUno  prime  cvsi*'  '*  E^iormau^  hargaina. 
" Uuiniiu  NHTtJice'*  **MvHbeg»i  tidqfat  at:y  P'ire."  '^Oraad 
cirarence  Sfi/u."     '* dn  itmetiee   number  of  Bonkruph*  itorH." 


Bid  of  ti».i:ar  ddutire  import  ate  stuck  ahaitt  erery  tMirt  of  ihexkop. 
AH  the  gtfOfif  erhtitfd  it  the  windoica  dispitu  tnutli  tiiktU  qf  inh 
pan  ened  HrirHp/iun,  sveh  at,  "  Heckerehe.  ^'  The  Mode"  '*  Juei 
oui."  "Jvtiin:'  "  The  hH  thing  from  Pari^**  "Chaste:*  ''Horn 
etrpetrntf"  **  Befinfd  :<pief>d<mr."  "  Irretitti6>'0/"  "Quite  tie 
tM'^g/"  *'  Perjeri  Tmter  '*  Orighai"  ''  Bighip  heccming:'  "Jis 
kn^^tedgrd  by  all !  /"  Fhnnle  uufer  g^trme^te,  of  a  pnural  rmm- 
blanet  im  sh^pr^  hut  a  tiitgular  and  recondite  variety  im  mute,  «r9 
tittelfd  leith  ttaHling  titiet,  and  more  eiaiitii^  priam^  0Mihe**Ca- 
maii  dee  CameUtex  cnlg  £1  IChr."  Tke  "  rmim^  pMin  ecitrt, 
JES  a»,  //  "  The  *^IUdmgoie  RnsHfake,  iiritd  throughoid  with  reai 
mfji*,  at  £10.—-^  bargain  //  /  "  "BunMi3  ^  la  Bou  Mioa,  Com  the 
bai^  ^ikeSiftU,atii  lOf."  Mantlet,  MantUUe,  ManleUtt,  MaatO' 
Unax  ^ft.hne^  AtntemiJiengai^rilUr,  Bt rteett, Camiile, CauMmim^ 
CardinaU*,  Oraehouroit  Ceie-hurdia,  Paletot*,  Pordr$eu»,  PrkinM 
^onchettei,  Ponchoiu.  Pofime,  Redtngvtes,  FitHei,  FttHoHrai,  and 
othertf  Uto  nitmeioua  to  aaumerate,  and  too  d^fiemit  to  proaonnte^  are 
fixfd  Hpfor  the  ndn^iration^pateeagers.  l%e  USTROTBCm)  FsHaia 
iegaetna  into  the  tcmdow^/aeeinated  bg  a^oegtmm  tmdbm^rie  thaeU 
ttcttted,  "  Heal  India  at  £S  lOi." 

Unprotected  Female  (thinJU).  Well,  lh»t  ii  ibc  »wwU*tfc  obi^ut, 

thing  1  ever  did  «ee  t    Oti,  I  think  it  would  beconw  n«  uiBUWuiilj 

And  1  ooald  afford  it  out  of  tny  diTidtmiiii.     But  tb«n,  porlMn,  I 

ouRbtn't  f    Oh,  yw  1  1  must  (She  goes  to  enter  the  shop,  btt  starts  back 

i«  homr  0t  a  verv  amorphom  and   mangy  lion,  which   guards  the 

**f"*^  4»/«WP»rf  hjf  mm  eqmait^  distorted   and  dingy  Uofntrd  et   Ike 

ommttt  Aor^mt.)    Oh.  grueiouBl  wbat'e  that?    Ob.  it  *8  only  siuffed. 

(JShe  enters  the  shop.     S<xne  changes  to  (he  inferior  ^  the  Sstahtishment.) 

[MocKLEa  is  koepifu  an  ej)$  to  the  Fur  Drpartment.  Flt-Tea? 

vaks  up  and  Ooien    the  Shotrl  and  Mantle  Department^  in 

a  Napofeoriic  manner,  vith  hia  hands  be  kind  him,  and  his  eyes 

t^»  *.'"'*  A^^'«rf  hiM.  and  in  rvery  direction^  at  the  same  time, 

Jw  "  Co.    is  M  a  smaU  rai'rd  g'ass  cose^  ketping  guard  wer  the 

Caskiet,  and  checking  the  Enincs.   The  shop  is  filled  with  ladies ; 

and  yourg  "  getUs,"    in    white  ties  and  tender  manners,    are 

•  shaving  "  them. 

Unfrcteeied  Female  {rather  appalhd  by  the  splendid  scale  on  vkieh 

ihimpt  arc  carried  on).     Ob  !  if  you  plrtsc— 

Fy  Trap  {with  Icrd/y  obtegnionsness),  A  chair  for  the  lady.  Now, 
■*«»«•  TO**  <*«pW'inent?  Our  s'ock  of  furs  is  extensive  and 
vmique.  Wc  are  sole  akcdU  to  all  tbo  compaciea  everywhere. 
Winter  fuTB,  Ua'am,  no  doubt?  SmtnTS,  this  lady  to  ide  Kor 
Dniartmenr,  iw-mediatelj. 

Vm,rotec{ed  Female  {dftsmng  her  bretrth  vhieh  has  been  taken  away, 
^  Mr  Ply-Trap'»  donche  ^  wor4s).  Ob.  please-ifa  not  furs.  It 
wa»  a  sliawt  m  the  window. 

Fly-Trap.  Mji-  Fbibblb— a  chair  for  the  lady.  Slmwl  and  Mantle 
Department,  im- mediately. 

[The  IJMrBOT&CTED  Fehua  is  chaired  to  the  cannter  by  one  of 

Toung  Man  [letUng  kmaelf  damn  eopjlde^Hally  and  neertty  over  the 
L^L-^^^V^^  ''h  UKfaoraCTED  Pihali^s  face,  and  leanint; 
■m  me  iam^kta).  Now,  Mefn,  ii  you  please,  what  oau  ve  have  the 
pieijiur*  of  »bowin(c  vo*i  to-day  ?  [riVA  tender  intere^. 

Unprotected  FemaU.  Oh,  if  yoa  please,  there's  a  ahiwi  in  the 
Window — 

Fossng  Afmn.  Cer  tably.  Mem,  {fmppiM  a  pile  <ff  shavls  on  the  counter 
^yprf /w  ing  them  into  a  Ironbledma  <ifPat»ley  Isfons,  and  Noneich  Ind-a 
«*n«).  Very  aapenor  article  in  Lyons  and  India.  A  sweet  thing  Ibis 
tM.  Oriental  style — folds  into  twenty-fonr—noiTteons— quite  suit  your 
iionpleuoa,  Uem— {performs  ranous  feats  tf  Ugfrdemmn  toith  IheshateU) 
--stout  niateriAl— cleans  beao-iifiilly— look  under  I  be  ligh%  Mem— 
whai  »  gloss !  sod  the  design  our  own— that  is— oar  Indiwi  designer— 
S.A'*P  'J*^  *"  Cashmwa  and  two  a*  Lahore— delicious  arranffsm^nt. 
Wds^  WoUe,  toteet,  tsmbtes,  tmtehet,  Jhshes  into  the  light,  Jli.ts  into 
Ha  dark,  wreaihee,  vntereathes,  and  ihen  pauses  to  teatch  the  effect  with 
miense  lennbilttv.)  At  twrlv©  twelve.  Mem— only— ! 
r\Cx^"^^1^'^  A««&  {praytftg  inwardly  for  strength  to  resist  temptation). 
Ub  !  they  re  charming,  but  if  you  please,  1  don't  want  Ihem.  It  'b  the 
ona  in  the  window— marked  **  real  India,  at  £3  iO»." 

romirM.  Beg  pardon,  Mem.  {Whi/j  another  pile  on  to  eotaUer  of 
^nMune^wftmr  to  tke  decoy  shamt.)  This  is  the  article  at  £3  gr- 
Heal  India— an  enormwu  bargain— we  couldn't  do  it  if  it  hadn't  been  for 


the  PuTijaub  Victories — de-Iiciou^ — and  go  with  that  bonnet  sweetly, 
[He  becomes  fMis/aitp  imprmed  «ti(h  th$  bctmUy  if  the  shawl.)  Lovely, 
indeed,  Mem. 

Vntfrotectcd  Female  (going  through  variot/s  testing  processes  (f  mMtipnlo' 
tionknotm  only  fn ffmales).    Ob,  t'Ht  ihifl  isn't  the  *ame  material  at  alL 

Toung  3^-  -  psrdin^  M'-m,  from  the  -BTiie  loom — Famcship* 

mr-nt— if  ar  rior.    {ff'ith  an  appeal  to  hir  eandonr)  Now  at 

£3  lOt. — ti's  iiTOttinij  'em  away  !     Let  o-e  put  it  upl 

Vnprotsetai  Female.  Bnt  it 's  not  su  good  us  the  one  in  the  window. 

Young  ht an  tuit4  a  smile  of  svpetioiily).  Kxxoao  me,  Mem— shall 
we  say  £3  %s, 

Unptoteeted  Female.  But  the  one  in  the  wis^w  is  only  £2  lOf. 

Fi-nng  i.'an  (piinks  at  Flt-T&lp).  lou  railj  must  let  me  put  it  into 
your  earn  lice— 

Vttprotettcd  Femata  (Jlottered).  Oh,  IVe  iw4  got  a  evriage.  But  if 
you  please.  I  'd  like  that  one  in  the  wisdow. 

Fly-Trap  {sharpy a9d»-gierfleant^y.mesestamtini go eai4haved).  Door! 
[A  Foriae  tmmAitety  piants  m  eMptt  in  frtnt^f  tha  door  inside^ 
and  hgyins  ctfaniig  the  shop  fanlight  with  pretenatttrat  care, 
eomphteiy  bh'king  np  th*  doot--icay. 

Fly-Trttp  {corning  upblandly).  It's  the  san*  art icie— madam — poaHively 
the  same  article — bat  of  (iuer  desian.    We  put  :,b«  worst  in  tl»e  window. 

Unprotected  FamtUe.  Oh,  no,  inaeed— it  was  much  better  than  any  of 
them. 

Fly-Trap.  Kimm,  show  the  lady  the  window  article  in  Tnclia  at 
two>ten.  (J  shasot  i$  prodwoed,  mhich^  by  a  st^ight  if  hand,  hsm  bmn  es- 
changed  for  the  decoy  one,  m  its  progress  jrom  wndosaU  w—ftfJ  ■)  A  very 
inferior  article  vou  will  obsfrve,  Ma'ara. 

Urfn-otected  F^nia.  Oh,  but  that  waar,'  r\  ^w. 

Fly  Trap  \deeplywomded  in  tmfeeting  ^  resprdabi*  «tab- 

lishownf.  Ma'am— and  jowr  words  are  acnunauic,  I  oelieve^  before 
wiinrsscs. 

Unprotected  Female  {in  agony  at  the  notion  <f  anything  aftkmabte). 
Oh,  I'an  sure  I  doti't  me«&  to— but,  perhaps,  haven't  yam  taade  a 
niislaha,  Sir,  or  some  of  these  gentlrmen. 

[7b  tha  Gents  teko  are  watering  roknd^  and  whose  tenderness  ig 
chUiit^g  into  the  sternness  (fconsciuus  rectitude. 

Fly-Trap  {Jreeeingly).  I  beg  to  observe  wo  don't  make  mistakes  in 
this  establishment — i  bclifve  not,  pentlenien. 

[Lcok'ng  round  the  young  men,  mho  agree  viih  him. 

UnproteeUd  Female  (humbly).  Oh.  then,  parhapi  I  'ni  wiong— bat  I 
don't  want  anrthing;  please— so  I  11  go.  [Riets. 

Fly-Trap.  Go— Ma  am!  Come  inio  a  respectable  tradesman's,  and 
mmple  his  goods^  and  insinuate  afainst  his  honesty,  and  not  buy  any- 
thing]   Go— indeed!    How  do  I  Know  what  you  came  forF 

Unprotected  Femafe  (piteously),  Ot),  indeed,  it  was  the  real  India  at 
two-and-ten,  and  1  wtuld  bate  Dought  one,  if  you'd  shown  me  any — 
hut  you  haven't— so  I  'd  rather  go. 

lOtanties  towards  the  deor^  at  meditating  a  rmh^  but  the  Porier^t 
blockade  is  stilt  rigorouslg  kept  tsp. 

Fly-Trap.  We  don't  know  riariies-^bu(  wo  lose  a  Bttniy  Mrtiolea  hy 
parties  pretending  to  buy,  and  not  buyinyr. 

^With  a  look  rfawfiU  snepidoa. 

Unprotected  Female  (in  an  agony  ^sertous  alarm).  Oh  do— 1  'm  not— 
ind«!d,  I  Ve  no  ptyfcets  on— yon  caa— do  yon  can't— bnt  I  "m  not, 

Fly-Trap  Kurpi-BU,  look  out  if  there '»  a  policeman. 

Unprotected  Femate  (eiaeping  her  handd).  Oh,  what  for  P  Whatenr 
have  I  done  P 

Fly  Trap,  Shop-lifting  is  very  common  by  pArtlea  pretending  to.be 
cnstontcrs. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  but  I  can  prove  who  1  am. 

Fly-Tn/p.  Parties  being  strangers  and  no  reference  aakcd— bfft  if 
yon  purchase— of  course — 

Vnproiecicd  Female.  Oh,  I'll  purchase  anything— bttt  indeed  they^W 
an  interior  article. 

Fly-Trap.  One  of  the  real  India  at  threc-and-eight  for  the  lady, 
Wk  KinBKT. 

Unpn^teeted  Female  {to  herself).  Ob,  it  *s  a  shocking  impositioB ! 
(JowiH  enddenfy passes  the  skop.)  Oh,  t-here  's  Mr.  Joxm  I  iShe  mshs 
a  boU  ai  the  door,  nearly  ^setting  the  Porter^  and,  jamndag  hef9r(f  very 
tight  between  the  leat  o/  his  step  ladder^  makes  signals  rf  distras  to 
JoiTEs.)    Ob,  Mr.  Jowbs— do.  please,  Mr.  Joifts. 

IBnter  JoyT.8.    Con»temat,on  td'  FLT-Tiur,  tudden  retapae  ixto 
gtneral  obsejmonsne^s,  and  ScKSE  l^oms  on  the  eonsegaeaem. 


A  Tond  Fnther'i  Adwiee  to  his  8oxl 

As  you  make  your  bed,  my  son,  so  you  must  lie  in  it,  but  if  you  s*uff 
it  full  of  bills,  you  will  soon  find  k  very  hard  tying  to  Keep  matters  in 
the  least  straigiit.  \yn^%  the  Dun  from  the  d  or,  and  vou  need  never 
trouble  yourself  about  boiling ;  but  if  the  bailiff's  once  Wain  knocking 
outside,  you  will  never  know  apiin  a  moment's  rest.  So  be  caroiul.  my 
son,  bow  you  make  vour  bed,  and  nvoid  debt.,  for,  believe  me,  many  a 
young  man  bas  had  nts  bed  sna'cbed  from  under  him,  and  been  tlirown 
on  the  world,  simply  from  sleeping  on  tick.~~The  £«guteT«d;  CUaVvt^udA 


THE  W£ATH£E  AHD  THE  FAVEHEHT. 

BiraniG  the  late  severe  wufher,  it  has  been  delightful  to  sea  the  alera  rigour  of  aalboritf  rel&xinf 
in  an  inrerse  r&tio  viib  the  rigidity  of  thn  [rosU  and  to  witnesa  the  booted  and  belted  policeman  •baring 
the  same  slide  with  the  hatlcss  and  homclc&s  orcbio.  There  is  something  sposonably  benevolent  in  the 
earoest  desire  of  erer^body  to  "keep  the  pot  a  boiliDg."  And  indeed,  as  it  is  the  prorince  of  the 
policeman  to  make  all  the  world  "  move  on,"  that  great  embodinient  of  the  idea  of  progress  could  not 
be  better  occupied  than  in  the  pastime  in  which  our  artist  has  depicted  him. 


"Now,  Old  Ganr,  Mova  o».*' 

The  Serpentine,  during  the  froit,  afforded  frequent  i::8t.a!:ces  ol  a  Tarantnla-like  effect  npon  the 
police  in  raneral  •  for  many  of  the  force,  that  came  to  clear  tlie  ice,  s.'opped  to  slide;  and,  one  by  one, 
they  alidcd  into  toe  paatime  which  they  auould  haro  checked  as  dangerous. 


THE  LION  QUEEN. 


All  ottf  Tt»4ttn  kaoviiMt  th*  Liov  Qcm— a  yoang  creaturs  of  seTentcen— in  the  course  of  her 
performance,  has  beea  kUM  by  OM  of  her  tiger  suhjrcts.  One  minute,  the  girl  was  alive,  in  all  her  pride 
of  dominatioi^  nilixig  tint  bcMM  for  tvopeBoea— the  mxU  the  tiger  had  (ixed  his  teclh  in  her  neck,  the 
joiralar  poured  out  tlie  life ;  and,  in  ikrief  oonrse.  a  Ouroner's  Jury  sat  upon  the  bo^iy.  '*  Accidental  Death." 

What  baa  become  of  the  tigerT  Uaa  it  b«en  killed  ?  Or  vill  the  human  blood  that,  in  its  ferocious 
instinct,  it  has  ahed^  make  the  brute  a  more  valuable  beast— a  greater  attraction  to  the  show?  Will 
the  tiger  remain  a  more  important  member  ot  Ma.  Wombwbll  s  compaoT—or  will  i*.  as  it  has  been 
lUMrsted— become  the  onlr  quadruped  tenant  of  Madamb  Tussaud's  Choaiborof  Horrors,  the  Tiger 
to  Mabia  Mamiim;*s  AriadHet  Up  to  the  present  time,  we  bear  nothing  certain  of  the  destruction  of 
the  brute. 

The  ChronieU  lias  a  fine  essay  on  the  n.iserable  ta^te,  the  low  craving  for  excitement,  fostered  by  the 
performances  of  what  are  called  Lion  Kings  and  Lion  Queens— the  Potentates — as  it  has  appeared 
with  other  Powers,  in  these  days  of  revolution — occ«8ionally  made  quick  conveyance  of  by  their  rebellious 
subjects,  ".We  trusf/*  says  our  oonteniporary,  **that  the  recent  frif(htful  catastrophe  will  be  the  Uat 
of  Its  kind,  and  that  in  pleasure,  a«  in  all  else,  we  may  see  a  healthier  state  of  things  brought  abont." 
We  trust  so  too,  and  indeed,  if  wo  may  credit  a  report — be  it  undersfood  we  only  give  it  as  a  rumour — 
of  the  effect  produced  by  the  death  of  the  girl  Bright  in  the  roost  exalted  place. — we  have  no  doubt  that 
the  very  highest  example  will  henceforth  tend  to  discourage  all  such  brutal  exhioitions. 

Our  readers  may  remember  that,  iu  the  high  and  glorious  days  of  Yak  Akburgii.  Hek  XLijcsty 
and  attending  Lords  and  Ladies  patronised  a  private  exhibition  of  the  tricks  of  Sovereign  sway 
and  masterdom  "  manifested  by  toe  Liun  King  over  his  brute  iieges  on  the  stage  of  Drury  Lane.  More : 
ExR  Majebtt  was  so  pleasecf  with  the  governing  power  of  Klng  Van  Amburgu.  that  she  commanded 
£dwin  Lamdseek  to  inimortalisa  his  Msjesty  and  four-footed  subjects  on  about  half-anacre  of  canvas, 
tha^,  when  filled  and  glowing— we  w?re  about  to  write,  giowlin^— witli  brute  life  ruled  bv  human 
will,  was  duly  exhibited  at  the  Royal  Academy ;  and  was,  until  within  a  few  days,  a  part  oi*  the  royal 
ooUection.  We  hear  that,  since  ttie  deaih  of  the  Lion  Queen,  and  pureJv  to  exert  ihe  u^fluence  of  high 
example,  the  picture  has  been  takrn  down,  packed  up,  and  is  nbont  to  be  shipped  as  a  present  to  the 
EiC7CR0R  or  Morocco.  In  the  dominion  of  his  Majesty,  Lion  Tamers  may  certainly  find  a  more 
OGogenial  atmosphere  than  in  highly  civUised  and  Christianised  Great  Britain. 


PROBLEMS  tor  TimfKERS. 

How  is  it  that  Johk  Bull  is  continually  having  Lis  pocket  picked,  when,  nevertheless,  he  is  always 
puttinff  his  hand  in  itP 

If  tne  Socialists  oould  convert  the  world  into  one  great  common,  would  they  make  themselves 
aases  or  geese  ? 


TBE 

HEUCULES  CHEAP  PALETOT. 

You  'VE  read  the  death  of  HzscuLSS, 

In  classic  tale  related ; 
But  there  the  facts  of  his  decease 

Erroneoosly  are  stated  i 
Each  schoolboy  will  at  large  recite 

Fast  as  his  Atphabeta, 
How  that  eximious  man  of  might 

Departed  on  Kount  CEta. 

The  hero^  having  ceased  to  rove, 

Tis  said,  his  laboun  ended. 
To  sacrifice  to  Father  Jove, 

That  mountain  steep  ascended. 
Desirous  proper  clothes  to  doo, 

Such  as  he  would  look  nice  in. 
He  put  a  Centaur  tunic  on. 

To  offer  sacrifice  in. 

This  tunic  having  been  imbued 

With  Hydra's  deadly  poison, 
Itself  unto  the  wearer  gfued, 

Like  plaster  with  Spain's  fiies  on. 
Not  to  come  off— the  Income-Tai 

A  blister  of  the  sort  is— 
It  stuck  to  him  like  cobbler's  wax. 

And  stung  like  aqna  fortis. 

Such    direful    pugs    convulsed    his 
frame. 

And  pierced  through  bone  and  mar- 
row, 
That  Hercules  felt  much  the  same 

As  toad  beneath  a  barrow  ; 
Such  agonies  his  nerves  did  rive. 

Did  trouble,  vex,  and  tease  him ; 
He  chose  to  bum  himself  alive, 

As  thinking  fire  would  ease  him. 

Now,  this  same  storjr  is  a  myth. 

Or  mvstical  narration. 
In  which  there  is  of  truth  a  pith, 

Involved  in  fabrication. 
The  vest  that  poisonM  Hercules 

Was  bought  from  a  stop-seller ; 
It  was  the  virus  of  disease 

That  racked  the  monsier-quellcr. 

'Twas   Typhus,  which    the   garment 
caught 

Of  Misery  and  Famine, 
Hands    that    for   some    cheap  tulor 
wrought ; 

The  Hydra-story  's  gammon. 
Sucli  clothes  are  manufactured  still ; 

And  you  're  besought  to  try  'em 
In  poster,  puff,  placard,  and  bill— 

—If  you  are  wise,  don't  buy  'em. 


WIDOWS. 

Tin    Perth    Courifr  speaks   of   m 

colony  of  widows  in  Bridgend.  They 
"almost  worry  a  man,"  says  the  Courier, 
who  ventures  near  their  precincts. 
They  patronise  nothing  that  is  not 
widow.  They  have  widow-cook,  and 
widoW'Waiting*woman.  Punch  further 
suggests  that  tbey  should  have,  tberr 
mice  caught  by  widowed  caty,  and 
their  cgsslaid  by  widowed  hens.  And 
to  conclude,  and  to  make  Bridgend 
quite  a  paradise,  not  a  flower— cer- 
tainly not  the  flower  of  bacbelorV 
buttons — should  be  allowed  to  infest 
their  parterre ;  but,  like  themselves, 
their  ^rden  of  life  should  run  to 
nothing  but  weeds. 


4 


A  Jkwxl  op  a  Wtte.— a  Wife  who, 
whatever  may  be  the  journey,  copies 
the  sagacious  elephant,  and  travels 
with  a  single  tnmk. 


H 


CHARTIST  STATISTICS. 

T  a  meeling  of  the  ChartisU  at  the  London 
Tftvem  a  few  evenings  ago,  one  of  the  CDm- 
pfttijr  out-did  aJnost  nil  former  cfforiB  by 
msiBliug  iiuil  the  Ctiarl*?r  had  hoooma 
aotiull;  neocttarj  in  cuu»equer.ce  (,f  "  16^000 
poonds  bavlDg  bern  paid  lost  Trar  for 
Du'^er,  pggs,  ud  t>acoQ  for  BuokiagbAm 
Palace," 

We  do  not  prefend  to  toow  the  data  on 
which  tiiis  assertion  a  founded,  bii*  we  can 
only  say,  for  the  s'ory  of  ihc  ilC.OOO  worth 
of  DUtter,  e(rti(f,  and  bacon,  that  we  cannot 
swallow  one  half  of  if.  The  iipeaker  eeenied 
to  have  the  butter  quite  pa^  but,  unless  the 
praotioe  of  putting  it,  upon  bfcoon  prevails  to 
an  awful  eitemt  in  tiie  Palace^  we  really 
caoMt  see  boir  tiw  oonaumption  can  be 
eAot«d,  while,    m  for   the  eggs,   we   are 

man  there  tm  not  half  as  many  laid  la  Bngbnd  as  are  laid  iu  bia 

iniiictmenfc. 
I'  i«  m^hrr  Tng^rnions  on  his  ptrt  to  sugsevt  to  the  country  that  the 

0  f  «ily  mode  by  which  i'«  Uic.ctn  am  be  sarrd,  though  it  is 

01  unlr^s  the  royal  househoi<l  lived  ei  eggs  and  bacon  all  ihe 
year  romui,  the  bill  for  these  iteois  could  sol  amotuit  to  one  hundredth 
part  of  the  orsf-or's  ratimate.  Wt  suapeofc  be  baa  got  several  wrong 
pigs  by  the  ear.  and  we  are  satisfied  that  soimMlh  bacon  an  he  allrgea 
eould  neither  no  cured  nor  emlnred  Inf  thp  inmat,«  of  Uuckiiif;ham 
Palace.  To  feed  the  household  on  notfiing  but  sailed  swine  would  be 
rather  tcurvy  freatriout,  and  we  can  only  oonie  to  thp  eonclusioo,  that 
the  Chartist  DxuosTiiENes,  in  enlarging  on  the  qunr.tit^  of  pig  con- 
iomed  in  ihePaiaoe.  was  merely  giving  way  to  the  propensity  for  going 
the  whole  bog,  whiou  is  a  characleristio  of  the  party  he  ia  a  ntember  of. 


MARRIAGES  IN  EVERY  DAY  LIFK. 


THE  TEA  DEPUTATION. 


Ow  Wednesday,  the  IGfh  of  January,  a  deputation  from  Liverpool, 
beaded  by  its  mfmbers,  wai'ed  on  Loud  Johw  Kl'ssell  and  the  CnaK- 
CRLLOE  or  THE  ExcBt^mm,  wit.ti  the  laudable  desire  of  obtatoiag 
tbeir  consent  to  a  reduction  in  the  Tea  duty. 

The  buaincas  commenoed  by  a  few  words  from  Sra  Thomas  BracH, 
who  was  very  appropriately  selected  on  this  occasion,  for,  as  the 
Premier  (must  have  mentally)  renarked.  "  Bmru  has  always  been 
looked  DDon  as  one  of  the  principal  representatives  of  Tea  in  thta 
oountry/' 

Ma.  Cabdwisll  went  into  the  aritfametic  of  Tea,  and  proved  that, 
while  in  the  United  Kingdom  the  consumption  amounted  to  only  a 
pound  and  three  quarters  per  head,  it  was  nine  pounds  per  head  per 
snnura  in  tbe  Australian  colonies.  This,  at  a  spoonful  each,  and  one 
for  the  pot,  gave  several  Diliion  cups  of  tea  to  tiie  colonists  while,  at 
tbe  same  strength  of  brewing,  there  would  be  little  more  tuan  a  flish 
(of  Tea)  per  diem  for  the  inhabitants  of  Grrat  Britain. . 

Mr.  Ed wi  no  Brodribb  enlarged  on  the  social  merits  of  Tea,  and 
insisted  that,  although  mere  spoons  had  sometimes  made  a  stir  in  Tea, 
there  was  now  a  small  but  determined  Tea  party  ppringing  up  in  tbe 
kingdom,  and,  with  all  respect,  be  would  say  that  tbe  Govemment  would 
Cfentua'ty  be  teased  out  of  tlic  duty. 

Another  Member  of  the  deputation  took  a  view  of  (be  matter  in 
reference  to  tbe  agricultural  interests,  urging,  that,  so  long  &*«  \  he  genuine 
Tea  was  kept  out  of  the  country  by  tbe  heavy  duty,  the  hedges  of  tiie 
farmer  would  never  he  safe  from  those  depredHtors  wtio  plucked  a 
spurious  sort  of  Twankav  from  the  sloe,  and  stole  for  the  Tea  market 
tut  which  was  neither  Hy!>on  nor  Uis'n, 

After  a  few  further  rentarks  from  other  Members  of  the  deputation, 
LoBI>  Joirs  Kdsskll  courteously  acknowledged  himself  the  frieud  of 
Tea,  and  though  some  called  it  mere  slop,  sent  over  by  our  foc9  the 
Chinese,  he  was  not  one  of  tho^e  who  regarded  it  as  a  "  weak  invention 
of  the  enemy."  After  intimating  his  wiUingnc«s  to  take  a  Tea  leaf,  if 
praotioable.  out  of  the  book  of  free  trade,  he  assured  the  deputation  ttiat 
be  and  his  friend,  the  Cha.hoiixob  or  thb  RicuEqtncR,  would,  some 
day,  after  dinner,  take  Tea— into  their  best  oouaidcraiion. 


At  about  this  period  of  the  year  t*'"  ^"■^-■^  -r^^-*  iinu«f  their  readers 
with  occasional  lists  of  marriagos  in  :o  not  9>-e  why  as 

much  in'.ereat  should  not  allach  U)  lUg  olTLf  hiintbter 

couples.  "VVc  hav»,  Iherefore,  authorisetl  our  'Vrtu  corre>ijoni]ent"  to 
poke  his  nose  into  private  life,  and  our  worthy  Sccrctaiy  tor  Other- 
people's -aSiurs  has  favoured  us  with  the  fuUowing:— 

The  marriaire  brtween  Young  IIowanD,  surnamed  th*  Prinw  of  the 
House  o'  —he  being  an  asaisUint  ia  ("■  *         "^  i    "  e 

fair  M  ^  - '  s,  famiimrly  knowu  as  1.)rr 

a  iim6u'/»'i  -.iic  'hub  gained  by  a  long  engageit><:ut-  <ju  .nr  •  "iMr.i,.,udI 
tifld  of  Waterloo  House— will  tiike  place  before  the  spring,  as  the  bnde 
and  bridegroom  must  both  be  in  town  for  the  commenccmcut  of  the 
sea^cMD. 

The  nuptials  of  Oklaxdo  Ssooxkt,  tbe  attorney's  clerk,  with  Miss 
Elizabbtix  IUadttin,  will  be  solemnised  as  soon  as  tbe  bridegroon 
has  saved  up  the  money  for  a  clandestine  lionise.  Mr.  Skoocbt 
will  be  given  away  by  a  5--—  -'  rl-,  and  Miss  RiaomH  will  Uuow 
herself  away  wi*h  the  a&'  le  clerk  and  pe«-opener. 

The  iong-talked-of  »;&'..  -  -j:.  Mr.  Jaco?  StowcOiCiT,  of  Ihe 
liong  Room  in  the  Custom  House,  and  Miss  Mabtiu  M  atoat^  of  Ibe 
Soho  Bazaar,  is  still  upon  the  Upu,  the  difficulty  being  to  hnd  the 
neoessary  sum  for  tapi^f^ie,  for  tbe  newly- wedded  couple,  shcutd  they 
mislead  one  another  to  the  altar.  Mr.  Slowcoach  was  understood  to 
have  stated  that  he  had  furnished  a  floor;  but  it  seems  he  had  OLly 
furnished  an  excuse  for  not  having  done  so  earlier. 

The  wtdding  of  the  galldnt,  dashing  CArrary  Cutawat,  with 
Madave  Mbrveille,  the  fafcinating  miiliner — not  miiUvnaire^  as  was 
once  stated  by  mistake — mil  take  place  as  soon  us  the  habea*  can  be 
obrained  for  the  removal  of  the  gallant  bridegroom  elect  Irom  the 
Queen's  prison,  where  he  is  at  prescmt  oonfioed  with  a  severe  iudis> 
position  to  pay  bis  creditors. 

The  above  are  a  few  specimens  of  the  sort  of  domestic  news  famished 
by  some  of  onr  oontemporaries.  but  we  have  taken  our  intelligence  from 
a  somewhat  lower  range  of  society,  whose  every-day  life  seen.3  to  us  to 
possess  quite  as  mooh  interest  as  that  of  wha;  are  termed  the  upper 
circles. 


ERIGHTFUL  CASE  OF  STITCH  IN  THE  SIDE. 

Yesterday,  the  family  of  the  Most  Noble  the  Marquess  op  Foub^ 
I  HUNDRZD-'ruortsAKD  were  thrown  into  tbe  greatest  alarm  bythe  sudden 
I  and,  apparently,  violent  dlness  of  the  Marquess,  who  rose  iu  his  usual 
I  health,  and  partook  of  bis  breakfast  with  his  usual  vigour.  The 
Marquess,  having  dressed  himself  tu  go  out—it  was  observed  by  certain 
members  of  tbe  family  that  be  appeared  in  a  new  coat,  one  of  the 
newest  things  of  the  season,  brought  only  from  the  East  the  previous 
evening — was  suddenly  seized  wiih  ilie  most  violent  pains — with  the 
roost  tremendous  attack  of  what  is  vulgarly  known  as  sliloh  in  the 
side.  Medical  astittance  was  imnaedtately  summoned,  when,  after  & 
long  and  critical  cxsmination  of  the  sufferer,  it  was  discovered  by  the 
intelligence  of  tbe  physician — intelligeno?,  it.  must  be  confessed,  cxlrtr 
professional — thai  the  cause  of  the  attack  was  not  in  tiie  anatomy  of 
bis  Lordship,  but  in  his  Lordship's  new  coat.  The  ooat,  i(  appeared, 
had  been  made  under  the  despotism  of  a  "sweater,"  ihat  it  might  bo 
made  dog-cheap,  and— it  is  platn  there  must  have  been  "  magic  tn  the 
web  " — every  stitch  in  the  garment  transferred  itself  into  bis  Lordship^s 
flesh.  Never  was  nohility  so  ilrtadlully  sewed  up.  Uis  Lordfthip, 
having  desired  the  coat  to  bo  given,  as  a  oonscienoe  olTering,  to  Urn 
Home  for  iho  Houseless,  felt  immediate  rcUef ;  and  is  now  going  CiD4i 
well  as  can  be  expected. 


^*  Our  Own  Corrospondent.'^ 

Tm  Pottt  "  Own  Correspondent,"  writing  from  Paris,  my%  fwy 
profoundly — 
-  n«v>w  aliMutad  ttat  tummiMUk  Mpte,  iln  vsstber.  thm  ranalBa  ludlHS 

tulely,  llltla«^lDi|mA  aXmmL" 

This  nchausting  person — eihausttng  the  interminable—is,  vo  dooht, 
a  descendant  of  the  Irish  sailor,  who,  pulling  up  what  8een>ed  tn  him 
an  iniermiuable  rope,  gave  it  as  bis  cpiniou  that  some  motdetiuf  viiiaia 
had  '*  out  the  end  off." 


Tbe  Boianey  Oat. 

Thb  Vdsiiftw*  Oateite  stAtes  that  the  EaEL  q?  Rosotit  has,  at  the 
uui  \ent  Sessions,  shown  a  livelv  desire  to  emplny  the  cat  upon  grown 
mm.  Fivrt  i^or  wrcfchps,  n^ed  from  94  fo  30,  who,  stairiug,  liad 
stolen  SIX  loaves,  were  rpo«i;ly  whipped  by  sent^ce  of  his  lordship! 
The  Dohleinan's  arms  bra  for  supporters  two  lions,  We  tliink  his 
Lordship  hud  better  assume  a  couple  of  cats.    Hi*  Lordship's  motto  is  |     A  ?BrvATB  Note  rnoc  Meiucok.— Tlic  Mtimmr  is  the  rfrouMst 

Jro»  tm,  fd  poena,*'    We  would— cirotimstanc^  of  the  luh  oon-   proof  tbAi  ihe  First  Lav  of  Uamaa  Nature  is  decidedlx--nSWm««r^ 
aider^d— suggest  an  alteration :    '*  Hon  patrut^  ud  M.'*  ration. 


CUBAF  BIBLKS. 

Tifi  wa^  paid  to  the  wretched  women  by  the  BriHsh  and  Poreiga 
Bible  t^oriRly  prove  that,  wbit'pver  eLv  (hoy  msy  desire  to  msAe  of 
religioD,  they  have  no  wuti  to  make  il  "  binding." 


A  COCE  fnZASAMI  GET!  UP,  A5i>  Mb.  BbXGOS'S  DCPKZttlOS  IS,  THAT  A.  TZ&T  lAXGZ  FlS£VOBX  KaS  BEZ5  IXX  CPT  CXAU   10 

Hb  u  ALXon  rueHTXxzx)  to  dlath. 


"  A  AlCTIM   TO  LET." 


ani  I  bcf  to  BT  poMklT  ilttx  if  ucj  iaiivUsiL  «r  1 

annate  Kikl  too.  .-m  .-^  V/j^v  tku  if,  fi>r  ■ 

vi;i.  oa  the  30c^  iaiuat.  teai  rx-«c  \  &it£nl  £35  flbrll 

dLu  be  abltf  u  (iw  lua  a  lift  wvanU  «4 


A  DtTUk  tifflple  toul,  btt  earned  a  fuU  rizht— if  each  rixht  impart  to  I  TnesibT.  the  Sih  in-nu: :  i 
bi«  »,  »jorii.«jt-tp  »b»..e  y«c4.    H,  b«  p»id  £25  h«d  cuh  for  I  J^SJITL'Se'r'S.'S.^i 
the  privilege ;  and  declare*  himself,  under  certun  conditions,  readj  to  I  par^-.  ao4  i  bope  ■ 
pw  £S5  more,  for  £50  be  majr  hare  his  be:lf full—or  empty,  as  he  may   respectable  liae&f  use 

!lrL*^££ut:2f  ***"**  "^ ^'*'*  •  "^'"''''* **  ''' ""^^  **^  ** ''^•"^'       There  is  heart  in  this,  at  least.    0!  the  braics  s»:ewn  ia  «he  kttor. 

pfSIl-S^i^iui^  ««mJ-»  h^f *— 1-  ««*..:««  4«  ..^u     - 1  »e  would  lain  not  speak,  seeinf  none.    Nerertheless,  we  wiU  given 

Ho'«^^»Ll^UX'?i.l^*«3'Pt~'a^^^^  twoof  "Okz  o,™  Pr.ucVn<.a-.«uB,. 

tviu  Eetl— u  "A  Victim  to  Let."  And  the  Victim  leat  to  Let.  Punek 
dwelt  upon  the  ungrateful  fact.  Howlett  received  much  sympathy 
through  the  oolumns  of  the  fferaU—mneh  praise,  but  no  reward.  Tlie 
eommendatioB  was  great  and  frequent,  but  there  was  not,  for  th^ 
deftitute  man,  whose  destitution  was  so  piteooslr  bemoaned,  a  single 
cut  of  solid  podding.  Fwick,  thereupon,  called  on  the  platform  Chnstians 
who  bad  bellowed  their  piety,  and,  in  their  charity,  pelted  Loed  ;  '^^  •?•  ^"*«  *«  «*^ 
RuMBLL-B  man  of  earnest,  unaffected  reUgion-wIth  the  foulest  ^J^i^^^^Z 
words  implying  the  foulest  motives,  to  comfort  and  shelter  the  destitute 
lIoWLBTii  to  show  that  their- Christianity  was  a  little  deeper  than 
their  lips,  descending  even  to  their  breeches-pocknts.  i^MvA  was  not 
the  apologist  of  the  offender  IIowlett,  who—as  PuneA  still  believes— 
was  rightly  dismissed;  but  PuncA  would  not  see  the  ex-poitman 
infferiag  the  mere  sympathy  of  his  pa*^^rons,  their  patronage  unrepre- 
Noted  Of  e  single  shilling.  Punch  called  for  tangible  aid ;  and  a  cor- 
respondent of  the  Herald— 

''Ojib  of  tub  I'obuo— a  Vwee— Aud  Patwg  Taxes  wnicn  I 

OBJECT  TO  lUVB  DISSIPATED  DT  roST-O/EICE  TilEOKIES  AND  ATTACKS 
OB  THB  8ABBATII  "— 

Yes,  "  Obb  or  TUB  Public,"  who  is  moreover  all  the  above,  and,  for 
the  length  of  his  signature,  maf  be  the  Sea-Serpent  into  the  bargain— 
"Obb  or  TUB  PuBUc"  IS  stung  hyi^iM^A  into  practical  sympatliv  for 
HowLETT— and  so,  like  indignant  virtue,— comes  down  rap  wiih  £25  for 
the  ei-postman. 


"J  ^  ~  '"^l"  ""■•  ^  )-wlth  all  my  heart,  and  wttb  many  tbanka  to  nowutrr-io 
MDd  btm,  thruiiKh  your  kind  handa,  CHS,  and  to  raqtwft  yoa  to  glTe  It  to  lilm  on 


"  One  fe«U  the  atmist  dUns t  at  which  tbc  prrfuMil  vie  !ua  as»apaid.  aa  ha  tfafaki^ 

to diamiaa  ihe  poor  maa'i  cMc." 

Punch  did  cot  attempt  to  dis*n!5s  it;  Punch  dwelt  coon  it;  sod 
the  result  is  to  the  jocund   Uowleti— £:25.    *'  Give  Punch  "  ana 

"OffE"- 

**  Give  ApkA  tba  Tapid  arid  leatiawnu  and  rain  beart-drrlBg;  phUeaopfay  at  fcia 

glorify,  and  be  is  jrranl  and  fiiU  of  repedtioa:  bat  glT«  fate  On 

Kton.i  to  defend  ia  ilci?l;cUy  and  ainfWmlndedaMa,  aad  1^ 

i^beUled  aa  iIk  tlapirla^  ponrait  ba  vaeUy  draw*  of  I  ~ 


Yes;  "A  working-man"  says  "One,"— "a  working  man  who  eaa*t 
afford  to  pay  thremcce  for  Punch,  \9  of  no  account."  Tefc  her«  hai 
Punch  chiuDpionea  the  destitute  Howlett.  causing  more  good  to  the 
man  by  such  championship,  than  whole  columns  ox  Herald  newapener 
—of  letters,  long  as  tape-worm,  and  with  head  and  tail  equally  oie- 
tingnishable. 

"  OxE  "  declares  that  "  a  professed  wit  "—and  "  OxE  "  meena  AobaI 
by  the  cruel  sneer— is,  generally,  a  heartless  felbw.  Be  it  so. ,  "OiiA  " 
nas  paid  for  the  opinion,  and  be  shall  enjoy  it — every  bit  of  it.  It  is 
only  sound,  solid,  sulratantial  dolness  that  has  real  heart  in  it.  Trtid 
charity,  like  Portia**  picture,  is  only  to  ba  found  cuketted  in 
lead.  Now,  "Ose"  —we  are  glad  to  proclaim  it— "Obb"  has  ia 
him  charity,  at  least. 

We  beg  to  ask  for  HovLBTT-^ho  sends  the  next  £S6f— that 

Obe's"  second  £35  m»  be  forthcoming  ?  What  meiohaat — beaker— 


churchmanr-or  solicitor:    What  hero  of  the  platform  speaJo— in  Bmkr 
note  utterance— next  ? 


triad hrffiltiMMbvr, .ma  laUravWobaiB-flM^lBtVe 
OBfl-.  la  La  BMffJ.iiNM.  IB  Ml  PfMlMtai  ^m\mr»tKit^am  Cu 


nw*A  ar  St.  Phcm^  Md  VMdMlckMBBflC  Bvaa^  or  If  97 
Cuy  of  tBaiaa.  aaa  p>uiuk*t  Br  tbaa  at  Jf a.  ■* ,  nm  ntt» 


Inctaa,  tatk  (a  tw  Coaair  aTMidfinn,  T^mrfjm  fhito 
iMafclatbBCiiyaflaaJiia     S*waB*i.Jaa  S«Ui  HH* 


PUNCH  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


41 


PROSPECTS     OF    POLITICAL    TBADE. 

'Wim.B  every  other  kint)  of  busineas  is  fortunMely  looking:  up,  the  prospects  of  the  Political 
Trade  arc,  to  the  traders  themselves,  far  from  encouraging. 

There  is  not  mucb  of  ihe  raw  nia'erial  of  popular  ignorance  to  give  employment  tolhe 
Great  Grievance  Mauufacturers  wbo  have  usually  found  a  market  for  their  BtufTs,  and  llie  con- 
slant  cUck  of  those  cver-workinit  niilU,  the  ton^ties  of  the  lalkative  rr.emberp,  will  in  all 
probability  be  stoppedforwant  of  the  usual  supply  to  keep  tbem  Roing.  The  work  of  the  session 
u  likely  to  be  stnck,  a  circumstaiioe  that  is  extremely  satiffactory ;  for  when  the  work  of 
legislation  runs  sbort,  all  other  work  seems  to  erjov  a  sta'e  of  braJIbfuI  activity. 

Tbere  app-rara  no  chance  of  any  fre!*li  imporlalion  of  material  for  working  upin*o  yam, 
with  the  exception,  perhaps,  of  the  usual  cargo  from  Irrland,  whicli  always  provides  the 
hravirst  conini(KhlirRo(the  scf^sion.  Tlie  machinenr  proyidfd  by  Government  for  the  production 
of  Ruch  Icgi&lative  fabrics  as  may  b«  in  demand,  will,  it  is  expected,  fcmisb  the  rpquisite  supply ; 
and  though  the  usual  a'lempU  will  be  made  by  some  of  the  disaffected,  to  break  the  machinery 
up,  there  is  every  reason  to  believe  that  the  peace  of  the  house  willuot  be  seriously  disturbed 
by  the  Parliamentary  malconlfnta. 

Tbe  weavers  of  the  legislative  web-work,  which  usually  gets  into  a  s^ate  of  entaDglemeiit 
ai  an  early  period  of  the  session,  will  most  of  them  he  out  of  employ,  but  everythinr  out  of 
doora  will  he  umcb  brisker  in  couseouence.  Kven  the  6rm,  or  ra'her  the  iiiGrm  of  Dis&aeli  and 
Company  will  be  working  at  a  dra'i  loss,  if  they  con'inue  'o  work  at  all.  for  tbrir  manufaciured 
stu^s  cannot  obtain  a  price  in  the  market.  There  has  been  such  a  glut  of  tbfir  wart-s.that  th* 
public  have  become  quite  weary,  and  though  iJlsiUEUamlCojupany  may  continue  lo  open  (heir 
iDOuibs  Tory  wide — as  the  couimcrciid  phrase gofs— they  will  not  coi  m&ud  a  single  olTrr. 


tJLI«'vc 


bQ      QQ    ;u  O      c*  •  o 


?" 


COATS  I— THE  NOVELTY  OF  THE  SEASON. 

Mji,  Punch — as  an  universal  genius — luw  produced  a  Coat,  that  may  he  called  ike  Novelty 
of  the  Sf-ason.  It  ia  denominated  the  LIVE- AND-LET-LIVE-COAT;  being  a  most  com- 
forlable  garment  for  every  time  of  the  year,  impar  ing  an  honest  anl  pIcaRurable  warmth  lo  the 
heart  of  the  purchaser,  and  being  made  upon  the  pren.i^es,  isnotcon*a<!iou5  with  the  Sweating 
Sickness — a  disease  that  centuiies  ago  ravaged  Kngland — and  has  of  late  re-appraredwith  more 
than  its  original  violence,  many  alarining  cases — ^rom  the  uae  of  contagious  icarracnts — having 
appeared  in  the  very  highest  rank*  of  hfe,eDdangeriDg  coronets,  uianiuisate  and  duct). 

The  LIVE-ANDLKTLIVE  is  of  the  best  and  noblest  ma'e  iaU— the  wool  interwoven 
with  Goose  Down;  the  Geese  treated  uj;>on  the  most  lihrral  principlen.  bring  only  plucked 
onoeniib  the  most  scrupulous  rpgard  to  justice  :— the  LIVE-ANU- LET-LIVE  Qf^ew  being 
by  no  means  such  Geese  as  (he  Kider  Ducks,  of  which  animals  it  is  written  by  Mddie,  in  his 
*'  Britith  Birds,"  as  follows: — "The  nest  of  the  tidcr  duck  is  lined  with  eiqui'litely  fine  down, 
which  the  bird  puiU  fntn  her  bremt ;  and  ns  the  (gga  arc  dtpositcd  "— (eggs  made,  by  a 
certain  modem  process  golden  onei) — '*»he  covers  them  with  more  «  f  that  (inwn.  Ttie  bird 
is  10  tame  (ktit  ike  eltotu  the  people  to  i'fi  her  from  her  neit,  ilkmovs  the  down,  and  egos  in 
PAET.  ond  axoin  replace  her,  whrre  [she  lays  a'resb,  and  polls  mohe  down  !  Thii  process 
u  continued,  not.  only  lill  the  fcnmle  can  farni^h  no  more  down,  hut  iiU  Ihe  male  also  in  in  part. 
denuded,  as  he  comes  lo  assist  as  ^oon  as  the  supply  of  the  female  becomes  exbaueted." 

Man,  iu  his  mul  ifarious  inventions,  or,  rather,  adaptations,  is  under  the  deepest  debt  to 
the  lower  animal''^  although  he  has  rarely  the  justice  even  to  confess  the  obtightion.  As  (be 
ooachmakcr  owes  the  thouitht  of  his  spring  to  the  leg  of  a  grasshopper,  so  docs  Mr.  Punch 


owe  the  idea  of  fau  LIVE-AND-LET-LIVE 
CO\T  to  the  sufferings  of  the  Eider  Duck. 
"Wbat."8aii  i'aiKrA,  ajmpathiiing  with  the  poor 
plucked  pair,  "shall  I  pluck  and  pluck  my  poor 
tailor  gee  e  until  ihey  are  almost  nuked,  shall  I 
lay  upon  them  contributions  until  they  csn  supply 
no  more,  and  then  out  of  their  very  misery,  out 
of  their  absolute  nakedness,  put  economy  into  mf 
coa^s,  and  sell,  not  garments,  but  the  blood  and 
bones  commingled,  crushed,  and  with  devil's  dust, 
worked  into  a  webf  No:  my  tailor  Ree*e  shall 
not  be  plundered  Etder  Ducks,  but  Geese,  made 
to  contribute  down,  for  down's  worth — Geese 
plucked  wiih  Ibe  fingers  of  mercy,  and  fed  with 
the  hand  of  justice. 

Ttie  smallest  q'lantity  of  goose-down  obtained 
upon  these  prim  iples  has  in  it  the  warmth  of  aa 
angel's  wing.  U  dtGes  all  cold,  and  even  in 
a  deluge,  lets  the  torrent  r\ui  ofr  i*.  like  water 
iroiii  a  duck's  back.  Many  persons  suffering 
under  wha!wa3  considered  by  their  best  frj-nda 
and  bitterest  acquaintance,  the  most  incurable 
confrBCi-m  of  (he  heart,  have — wearing  the 
LlVE-AND-LET-LlVE-rtjoiced  in  a  sudden 
expansion  of  the  organ.  Tliat  "  hollow  muscle  " 
—in  the  phrase  o(  anatomists— has  dilated  with 
the  warntcst  and  most  generous  fluid,  and  — 
wonderful  to  relate — all  the  world  and  ail  its  men 
and  women, have  been  regarded  with  sympathising 
and  affectionate  eyes  by  the  LIVK-AWD-LKT- 
LIVE  professor. 

Mr.  Punch  has  no  wish  f o  underrate  (he  works 
of  his  fellow-lahoiirers.  It  ih  only  to  repeat  a 
many-told  fac*-  to  state  that  there  are  Coats  made 
upon  such  principles  that  the  pockets  they  contain 
are  narrow  and  comfortless  ai  a  rat-trap,  and. 
therefore  constantly  fhunned  by  the  fingers  of 
Ihe  wearer.  It  m  othetwisr  with  the  pockets  of 
the  LIVEAND  LEl-LlVE.  They  are  ample 
and  coney,  and  have  a  ma^ic  m  the  web  of  their 
lining,  l  hat  upon  every  just  and  merciful  occasion, 
incontinently  draws  the  hand  of  the  wearer  into 
Iherr^.  ]t  is  upon  this  i  special  account  that  the 
LIVE-AND-LET-LIVE  has  a!rea.iy  been  so 
lartely  patronised  by  the  Heads  of  the  Nobility, 
and  the  Heads  and  Hearts  and  Mitres  of  toe 
Clergy. 

Mr.  PifffrA  has  disdained  to  register  his  LIVB- 
AND-LEI'-LIVE.  On  the  contrar)-,  pailcmt 
are  to  be  hud,  gratis,  at  bisot&oe,  Irom  the  rising 
to  the  going  down  of  the  sun. 

«r  CAUTION.  No  sweater  should  rcDtura 
to  apply,  a  pump  being  on  the  prendses. 


Wordsworth  and  Agriculture, 

A  WANiTEB  of  getting  through  the  world, 
strongly  recommended  by  economy  and  sorne 
other  conHideralions.  is  described  by  'he  distin- 
guished Wjllum  Wordsworth  as  that  of 

"  ruin  Urlng and  high  ILlukfiis." 

Just  slightly  alter  these  words  into 

"  Plato  llrlns  and  high  fwnUif,** 

and  will  Ihey  not  express  Ihe  very  best  conrB# 
that  oould  be  suggested,  just  now,  to  the  agriool- 
turists  ? 

Trembling  on  the  Verge  of  n  Joke. 

Thr  .^forKiHff  Chronide  was  very  nrara  joke  last 
week,  but  not  quite.  Talking  of  the  shabby 
conduct  of  Ministers  towards  t  he  M.P,  forCock- 
ermoutli.i'  said  that  last  ses^ionlbey  comitlctety 
"  unhorsed  him  off  bis  hobby."  As  the  illuscd 
M.  ?.  in  question  is  Mn,  Hoksma^t,  the  ChronicU 
might  as  well  have  completed  its  joke,  instead  of 
leaving  it  to  us  to  do.  bv  calling  him  Mr.  Uk- 
UOnsKAK.  iWe  do  not  tc'th  to  he  too  Lira  ppon 
fke  '*  CkrowiHe**  fmt  it  w/Zy  mwMi  miike  it*  ova 
joket  for  the  future.  J  l>et  of  our  rknrge*  map  ke 
had  at  the  Ojke,fnm  j6S0  wpK>arde.\ 


Vol.  XVIII.— IBOO. 


-5.<a,^«^ 


42 


PUNCH.   OR   THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THFOSIITG    POSES. 


OVT  or  THfi  UOCaK. 


Wno  15  ttiLi  tliKt  hftranguetbf 

And  plat  orni  rail  b&iigt^th, 

Ail  bluster,  and  bully,  and  hlunilfr— 

Wtioiu  there's  no  liope  of  fiiKlit-'iiioff 

tVitb  ParliomeDt  ligliining  ? 

*Xu  "  FsAKCus  d(.i>i»g  lie  thunder," 


m  TBX  House. 

Bl'T  who  is  (bis  coward, 

ViOiH  bis  jilatrorrii  do^vn  lowered. 

Who  is  f»m  tothpHuuse  to  knock  under — 

Who  »o  huu.b1y  up-rtiider* 

His  accounts  with  SnigVEnders  ? 

'Tis  "  i*'ZAKGC8  aUrmed  at  the  thu&der." 


QUADRIUiE  DKS  PATINEURS. 
Jrranffee  pour  Its  Checauj  (TOmmhut,  4^ 

Babon  Nathan  has  juftt  be«n  coqiposmK  *  new  s«t  of 
QiiKdrilIrs  for  Hordes,  to  be  d>^iiC'd  in  the  piiHUo  stmiU 
wbinever  the  slipper?  sinte  ol'  the  roads  wtil  allow. 

We  Jtubjoin  a  alight  •ketch  of  ^be  equestrian  figures ;— 

The  finf  dance  is  I'llioer,  which  has  evidently  been  tofi- 
Iffs'cd  by  l*Ef^,  aiui  is  .  aneed  as  follows  : — 

First  Omnibus  advances. 

Second  Uiuuihua  advAuces. 

Tbey  do  the  vis  a-vi*  orsi'veral  miouiea,  ih^n  perfonnlbe 
g  isiadeUom  ri^ht  to  Itft,  and  from  left  lo  ritEnt,  and  fall 
on  tbrir  reitiHcrivfl  knort,  affrr  fttvcral  la'aitcfz,  hut,  Qmiir^ 
tlit'.v  cannot  h.dunco  tltt:ni?elvefl,  tbr>  execu  c  k  lew  Irtmbh- 
m«H9  da  pi*d*,  aud  real  ibcir  booi*.*  at  fuU  leoRtli  on  tbo 
wood  paveuiCQ'. 

C*id  jumps  doarn,  and  di^cs  Hie  fucah'tr  atttl. 

rolioeni.m  advances  anil,  waviLg  his  rieht  hand,  ordera 
ibcMi  *'  10  nio\e  on." 

Koth  OiiiTiibiiMes  niain'ain  their  6ni'  pontton. 

Pttssengci's  get  out^  and  cfnu»ti  in  alt  direct  ioQ», 

OinnibiiMcs  vihef-1  round,  and  niake  Ihe  beat  of  it 

Grand  Finale.    Uur>c8  ictire  to  ibc  knackers! 

rhr  f^Cii.d  figure  is  much  more  simple,  ant  is  called 
Thr.  HuMSQBi  Fiinff, 

llunsom  cliooscs  a  fftPc  for  hia  partjirr  fft'  "■  y-rt;. 

Purlncr  1  brows  binivrll  into  <lie  arms  o  florae 

ininiediiilely  cuts  on  the  splii^hhoard  a  fr.\^  ,  .^.i  with 

his  hindlexs;  Partner  ruLires  into  tho  fuiLlici'mo^k^  con  er 
of  Cab,  Uor^e  drups  on  one  leer,  and,  after  a  rapid  dot-u-dos^ 
leta  do"n  Partner  in  Ihe  middle  of  the  road. 

Gruitde  Sonde  of  rtrangen  ard  pickpocket*,  wbo  lake 
ParlnrrS  haidkerchi!,  and  c^o^5inJ^  ov.  r  to  ihe  other  aldo 
of  the  wav,  shulU"  olfm  doublc-timck  (imc. 

Hop- Waltz  b>  Parmer  into  CUeiuiai's  Shop. 

Hansom  Widks  olf. 

y.B,  1he  General  Finale  of  T&e  Hansom  Fling  Is  a 
Doctor*a  BUI. 


4 


fcCBNES  FROM  THE  LQ'E  OF  AN  UNPROTECTED  FEMALE. 

ScJE^Ji  \Zr~iiii-'l'  (if  the  Pv^t-Qffke,  Si.  Martin^iU  Grand.     The  Unp»OTECTKD  Vemalk,  having  "paii  a  liltle  Bid'* /or  a  Fri^rnd  'n  tha  Cbwr/fy, 
hui  ImeK  rnpuid  the  a^iOunt  bp  a  Pott  Office  Ofder,  and  ka$  got  a*  fur  as  tk  Poii  Offic9  in  a  desperate  atlmpt  lo  get  ii  ca^iked. 


(/nproteetfd  FfVtale  tfdiiMg  im  f^-rplrifp  ft  the  range  qf  d^n  and 
vl^domi,  duly  described  i»  vrrjf  large  fncfiptirnt,  *^  Accvaniant^  OJice'^ 
*'  &eretay\-i  Office."  *' H-reieerGtwars  Offire*'  "  Stamp*  Murd  h/re'* 
**  Paid  letter*."  "  Unpaid  Ultert."  "  f/aiU  going  »tr  'Ireland, 
Jef*eUt  Gverttneg,  Jamaien^  Mexiro^  4'e.,  *fv.,  ^g,"  "  Par  Newepaper* 
onfjrr  "  L-tters  rea  ited  here  after  8 '^  '•'TVi'*  bin  will  be  rlaed  at  — ." 
•'  Stecttie  Telrgreph  Office.*'  "  Met'ogea  received  here.** — Pansea  at  the 
ioft).  '*MeF&af^es  received  here."  1  wonder  if  ihev  'd  pay  me  at  ibis 
window,  if  I  detirerfd  ny  nifSsageP  [Knock*  timid  p^  and  tcaiU.)  Id<>n't 
think  there's  anybody  coaiirig.  {JKnock*  again  altttU  I  itder)  What 
ft  many  windows  (o  be  sure*!  I  wonder  bow  ever  they  get  through 
their  business.     Is  there  evr  uny  tx>dy  eo-iip^P 

[^Approaches  to  knock  a  thi'd  lime,  tflhen  the  i^s'ariicd  into  feinf>oratg 
imbectiitg  by  the  hatrh  being  throtrn  cioleut/g  open  from  the  imide, 
and  ihe  appariti/n  qfa  Man**  Head  presenting  itieif. 

Man's  Head  Uh'trply),  Now,  MaVn  ;  what's  your  niespaee? 

Unproiectfd  Female.  Ob.  if  you  please,  I  want  to  know  where  1  'm  to 
get  nty  monev  for  a  Post-Office  Order? 

Afant  Head.  \\  here  at  P 

UnpTQieeied  Female.  Oh,  it  only  aava  Post-OfRce,  Market  Weighton, 

Man**  Head.  Ott.  Market  Weighton;  and  what's  the  mcaaagel* 
Qire  it  me  in  wri  iofc*  please. 

UtproUded  Femak  {exircmelg  confiaed).  Oh,  here 's  the  Order. 

[Pt/thee  ii  in. 

Man**  Head  {with  an  esprejuton  rf  peeviihHe**) .  Why,  llii*  is  a  Pdst- 
OlUce  Oruer.  Uere,  Ma  am — attend.  Do  you  wish  any  message 
telegraphed  to  Market  Weigh'on  about  this  Post-(  »i}ire  Order!* 

tJnprntecied  Female.  Oh,  Mie  money  's been  raid  at  Marktrt  Weiibton. 

Mtiu'*  Head  {concentrating  U^elf  in  the  effort  to  cuMceutrale  theukinder- 
iagwii*  qf  tne  Uvr&OTecTaD  Kemals)  What  do  you  want,  Mu'amP 
Hare  you  amy  nie^save  lor  rite  Kl  rtric  Teiexraph  P 

Unprotected  Female.    ElfCiric  Telegraph  P  (/'mw/erf.)    Oh,  dear 
it  'a  a  Post-OfBce  Order— please  ?    I  thought  as  messages . 


Man**  Head  {ditappearing^  as  the  AaicA  elate*  with  a  ilam).  Go  to 

the . 

[^Leaeirg  it  doubtful  uhcther  the  direeiioa  be  to  the  Monty-Order  Qfiee 

cr  a  warmer  place. 

Unprotected  Female.  Yea— but  where  am  I  to  go  to!  That  *s  just  «)iAt 

I  want  to  know.  {Addrftiing  herself  to  an  mnoccMpi'd  and  Skedt  p£BaoN, 

tr/.o  M  engaged  in  di^cuainga  lakfd  potato.)  Ob,  if  you  please,  could  you 

tell  me  where  the  Post-OOice  Orders  goP 

Seedy  Perion  {pausing  in  his  progreu  through  the  potato).  Where 
they're  sent,  Marm. 

U"prircied  F'mal^.  Oh,  lin^  I  want  one  paid. 

*'eedy  Person  {p'ikting  trith  his  potato  io  notice  **  Money-Order  Qfiee 
remoeed  to  No.  I.  Ald(rm"te  Sireei.*') 

UnproterteH  Femal .  Oh,  hut  where  ■#  Aldersgn/e  S'r^et  P 
Se^/iy  Person  ibrig^tenif-g  at  th"  proepef^i  of  m  job^  and  poeketting  hit 
pjfato).  I  Ml  !»how  »ou  lor  Inpwnce  — MArm. 

Unprotected  Feeh/le  (thankful  fr  any  i,-uidanre).  Ob,  indeed,  I  wiith 
yon  wuulii,  and  1  wilt,  ilnstitmte*  a  search  fvr  twop.'nce  in  her  bgg. 

Seedy  Person.  T*iis  way,  Marm, 

[ScENB  changes  to  th/f  Mafcy-Order  Office  in  Alderegaie  Sireei.  A 
range  of  slidi'>g  h>Uch  aoors  runs  acrfsa  the  room,  wth  labete 
abooe  tlm  "  Or.^ert  Paid,"  '*  Order*  ihantrd  "  The  Udf^e  in  front 
qfihrm  i*  occupied  by  a  crowd  (fall  Oi/es,  »txe»,  f*nd  i'ze%  aboni 
eight  to  a  bcoF—imd  ik$  Clerks  *etm  to  har^  combined  for  ihf  pur- 
pone  of  eluding  payment  t/nny  Order  tthateoer  There  i  <  </  general 
expre  *ioH  tf  imvatUncet  mingled  mth  oceutionai  resignation  on 
the  part  of  old  hand*. 

Enter  the  Seedy  Pebsou,  showing  in  the  Ujl?BOTECT£D  FeJ1AL£. 

S^</  J'erson    There  yon  are,  Marm. 

U^proleclcd  Female  {jjayinghim  ihe  stipultUed fte)  Oh,  I  'm  so  mucti 
oblived   o  vou.  [Exit  SrEPt  PsHfiuif. 

Unprotected  Female  fpau-nngto  collect  her  en'rout)  Oli,  I  wondtr  i^  I 
ihttU  have  to  wain  till  they're  all  served.    (JShe  *ii§  doten  am  ihe  bencJk 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ikal  rum  alof  tlU  wall  bp  the  tide  of  a  Boixr  UL  Fsxalb  ^  ker  own  affe.) 
It  8a>8  "  r»y*bU  frvui  irri  till  four."  1  wcnd<T  \i  I  tlittll  liitre  ro  w«it 
till  four  ?  [Erprtn't  thi%  KQnier  in  her  look  at  tfut  dork 

l>ofeful  Fe»rih  {inUrpreiiHa  her  fethngt  ecrreciip).  0)>,  yes.  Ma'&in, 
indeed  jou  wil,  I've  hrrn  here  IhPse  two  hours,  imd  Vfe  tried  ever 
so  oflfn,  but  the  men  will  pu»h  in  first. 

&Kproi€Ctfd  FrmaU  {in  ogonv).  Oil,  I  WM  svro  I  OQgbl'nt  to  liATO 
come  ftloce.    But  He.  Jonks  wouldn't. 

\A  latM  <^  OJK  koHT  M  tupposed  to  $nferwMe,  dwutg  %ekiek  ike 
UNPROTECTED  Female  hai  tffeetnalip  »'un\fefi  hers^'f  i%  an 
eUemptto  Blatter  tht>  InUnteUoHt  on  the  bxrh  of  her  Order,  infer- 
ntpiti  bn  ten  dintinct  mehft  at  a  ha/cA,  ontp  to  see  tomthodp 
etse  pet  thire  before  ker.  She  haa  at  ia»t  nteeeeded  in  oeer- 
poteerinff  a  amali  boy,  and  haa  got  command  of  a  ffffon^Aole. 
UirPROTECTED  Fema.le.  iKitochinff  with  pardonable  efveritjf  on  tie 
pannel).  Oh,  if  >ou  plewc,  I  'vc  been  wai"  ing  rrcr  so  lonp. 

Clerk  (wiMm,  loh  aeema  to  be  ammiwg  himafff  with  roantinff  or«r  fioid 
and ailoer  very  rapid/p,  and  Making  it  up  into  ttttlr< pi/fA,  antl  />«  toHftg 
them  dotM  agoMf  to  gn  over  the  tame  procae  backward*).  In  tt  uioincut, 
Ma*aut. 

[Jn&i^er  htnte  if  ten  mnulet. 

Unproteeted  Female  (bitlerlp).  Oh,  really,  if  you  pleaae,  Sir— would 
you— 

Cierk  (ahoieing  a  teonderfwl  power  qf  not  att^ding  to  anybody).  Fire— 
ten — «ix— fight.     {Geta  at  faet  to  a  awn  total.)     Now.  MR'am  ? 

Vnprotectfd  Female  [with  a  gn*h  of  restr^n^d  tpeec.h^  and  puahing  in 
her  Order).  A u  Order,  if  you  please -hf.  Market  WeiglifOD,  for  lour 
pounds  ten,  and  it  isn't  clipped  or  mutilHted,  and  my  surname  ia 
Martha,  and  my  Christian  name  is  SmrooLCs,  and  I  *ve  no  occupa- 
tion, and  the  party  who  paid  it  1o  me  is  a  lady,  who  owed  a  Bmall 
account 

Clerk  {qfter  ttveral  rain  attempts  to  ttop  her).  Ma'am— Ma*am— con- 
found if.  Ma'am.  iTSii  ij  deiieered  with  sueh  ialeneiiy.  that  it  bringt  the 
Usprotected  Fkmaus  tip  thort.)  Can't  \ou  read  ?  This  is  the  window 
for  granting  Order*— not  pajing  them. 

If/urls  her  Order  baek  at  her  with  diagnat,  and  retnmee kit  oeenpaiion 
if  keeping  people  icaitimg. 

Vnproteettd  Female  {overcome  by  her  failure).  I  'm  tare  itwu  the  only 
window  I  could  get  at.    Oii,  dear  me : 

[A  tapee  of  another  hour^  during  lehich  the  Ukphotbctbt)  Femalb 
haaftrt^eralnp^ed  heme!/ ocer  the  iHalrucliona,  but  has  moitered 
the  dtatimtion  bctieeen  the  windou  $  for  groHting  Orders,  and  the 
windomfor  payinp  them     Tn  the  sixth  attempt  ahe  hoe  again 
establiahsd  herscfat  it  tdndow. 
Unprotected  Femtle   ipuahing  in  her  Order),   An  order  on  Market 
Weighion,  please,  for — 
Oenrdone  Clerk  {intide).  They  'U  pay  you  lower  down. 

[Pnahet  back  her  Order. 
Unproteeted  Female  (yearly  reduced  to  coolnefa  by  deaperation).  They 
fthall  pay  mr,  next  time,  if  I  see  the  Post-MasterGeneral  himself. 

{A  iaote  ^another  half  hour,  which  the  UHrBOTECTFn  Fekale  hat 
devoted  to  mnie  meala  to  the  eonaideratioM  ofpjrtiea,  and  viable 
demouairationa  ijfMpUa»n»u.  At  laal  ake  tueeeeda  "  li>wer  dovn." 
Uhprotbcxbd  Female  pushe*  in  her  Order. 

Clerk  (/woo*  down).  They'll  pa?  you  higher  up. 

Unprotected  Female  i  firmly).  They  said  higher  up  they  'd  pay  lower 
down,  and  I  won't  go,  if  }ou  please,  without  the  money.  I've  been 
be.'e  three  hours  and  a  quarter. 

Clerk  {oterpQfi*red  by  her  obeioua  deierminaiion).  Where  paid  P 

Unproteeted  Female  {with  nnntual  brevity).  Market  Weignton. 

Cteek.  Whob.? 

Umpeoteeted  Female.  A  party  of  the  name  of  Smith. 

Cbf'k  Christian  name  F 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  I  wonder  if  it  was  LucT  or  Sarah,  or 
Jatib  or  Mrs.  Smith,  or  Ibeir  aunt  Suitherii  that  they  're  expeotatione 
front,  and  tiiat  lirea  with  thew  P 

Clerk  iattmlji).  ChrisMan  name? 

Unprotected  Female  {trie*  the  exhauatioe  procesa).  It  isn't  8a&aH,  Sir, 
is  it? 

Clerk  iatill  more  alemly).  Christian  name  ? 

Unprotected  Female.  Is  it  Jams?  But  I  shouldn't  wonder  if  Mrs. 
Smithkus  i«id  if,  and  perhsps  it 's  in  her  name  ? 

Clerk  (Ringing  hack  Order).  Surname,  Chris' fan  name,  and  occupation 
of  naiiicR  ohiaininjf  ordsr  luust  be  given  ia  full.    See  Tnifrruction!'. 

Unprotected  Female  (ranging  denperatefy  fo  the  hatch).  Oh— nlease — it 
was  one  of  ihe  family,  but  there  are  half-a-doeen  of  them,  ana  I  dou't 
know  which. 

IShe  ia  borne  back  by  new  applicanta,  andfalU  exhanated  and  tearful 
*       on  the  bench.    Sczxa  r/cK«, 


THE  AMERICAN  FLOATING  DRAMA. 

INCE  the  Drama  has  been  goins 
on  so  swimmingly  in  Amerie*, 
it  is  no  wonder  that,  on  the 
Mississippi  and  Ohio  —  accord* 
ing  -0  the  secount  of  Mr. 
IU}«TARD  in  describing  his  Pano- 
rama of  ihoB?  rivers — there  are 
aotonlly  floating  thralrts,  which 
travel  from  ci'v  to  eitr  fituated 
along  their  banks.  Dollsrs  being 
rcarce  in  these  regions, the  pricea 
of  admiftftion  are  oased  on  a  sya- 
tem  of  barter;  the  sabstitale 
for  hard  ca^h  hi  ing,  for  instance, 
a  bushel  <f  pot&'oe^,  or  two- 
dozrn  eggs.  Of  course,  any 
other  useful  commodities  would 
be  taken  in  lieu  of  lilrer,  so  that 
hsviiig  no  money  in  your  pocket 
would  be  no  onitacle  to  yciur 
feeing  the  play;  pruvidfd  you 
ha^l  a  penknife  or  a  pencil  case 
about  3011  tba*.  jou  could  Br*f«- 
As  the  payments  must  be  pro- 
portioned to  the  quality  of  the 
places ;  supposing  a  seat  in  the 
gHllrry  to  be  a  pound  of  butter, 

we  might  conceive  a  place  in  the  dress-circle  to  be  a  bUdder  rf  lard ; 

or  a  stall,  a  cherse ;  whilst  for  a  ftuuily  box  the  charge  would  be, 
\  perhaps,  a  family  joint.     It  is  clear  that  the  aquatic  actors  of  America 

need  nut  starve.  As  to  pota* oes  and  eegs,  which  are  capable  of  ferving 
'aa  missiles,  we  think,  recollecting  now  our  TransatUntio  oouiina 
,  treated  Mr.  Macrzapt,  that  there  is  a  peculiar  wisdom  in  taking  alt 

Buob  articles  at  the  doors. 


POLITICAL  FISTIANA. 


The  Yotjihtul  Stiwxer  requests  us  to  state  that  he  ma?  be  beard 
of  at  the  Pig  and  Tindrrbox  by  any  parties,  whether  Free  Traders  or 
Froteetionists,  that  may  happen  to  be  passing  that  way.  The  Stxthvib 
will  be  happy  to  initiate  (gentlemen  of  either  wav  of  tninkinv  into  the 
mysteries  of  the  fistic  science;  a  knowledge  of  which  has  neoome  so 
necessary  to  both  sides  at  Pro-Cora-Law  meetings,  where  the  discnssion 
now  consists  of  such  literally  knock-down  arguments.  The  noble  Art 
of  Self-Defence  the  Stuttker  contends  is  the  beat  resouroe  of  the  Pro- 
tectiooitts ;  whereas  nothing  cau  be  more  desirable  for  the  adrocatat 
of  Free  Trade  tban  a  fair  stand-up  fight  and  no  favour.  YovTHTtn 
approves  of  the  return  to  the  good  old  English  practice  of  deci'iing 
disputes  by  the  fist,  instead  of  by  resoniog  to  the  onmaoly  use  of  the 
tongno  and  pen,  and  thinks  that  both  cotton-spinnera  and  fanners 
would  meet  on  equal  ground  in  a  mill. 


Something  out  of  the  Oomnaon. 

M0N8TETTR  PROUDHON  has  just  married  a  young  lady  of  immenaa 
property.  Now,  if  all  "  property  is  a  tlieft."  it  is  clear  that  Provdbom 
stands  at  present  in  the  ignoble  position  of  a  reeeiver  of  stolen  goods^ 
and  the  rrceivrr,  we  are  told,  is  fully  as  bad  as  the  thief.  pRotTD'noir 
wai  generally  looked  up  to  as  "  the  Solomov  of  Communism/'  but  the 
result  has  proved  he  wa«  nothing  in  common  with  ibe  great  naino. 
furt.her  than  being  an  Iret  Solohoks.  If  tried  by  his  own  Laws  of 
Property,  ho  would  most  certainly  b^  condemned  "guilty  of  a-fenoe.** 
The  only  thing  he  can  do  to  save  himself^  will  be  to  restore  the  pro* 
I>erty.  which  he  clearly,  by  his  own  confession,  has  stolen. 


The  Unlwenal  Luminary. 

Lord  BRoroHAM  is  stated  to  have  delivered  a  lecture  on  the  snl^ect 
of  heh'^.  last  Monday  week,  a^.  the  Institute  of  the  Academy  of  Sciences 
at  Paris,  and  to  have  illustrated  his  discourse  by  means  of  an  apparatus 
which  be  bad  got  made  by  M.  Solbu.  In  going  to  If.  SoLca's.  the 
noble  and  learned  Lord  went  to  the  right  shop  fur  the  means  of  experi- 
menting on  light,  and  doubtless  was  enabled  by  the  help  of  SOLliL  lo 
make  bia  theory  as  clear  as  noon-day. 


THE  SCHOOL  OE  VLTRA   REEORM. 

Mr.  Fsarous   O'Conkor  and  hi«  party  propose   to  convert  tbe 
House  of  Comuions  into  the  Charterhouse. 


Im  •jf0.f.f*^tmh  JJv  *//'•,  'tf  '-.A  y' 


*  -V 


«i 


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'  f.%  tv.r.»r 


-(  »'■  /.  .''.'*f>*r,  »'.'i  !,.«  •>».  f.ji!*  *" 
Vf  '<(^»<  •'*  ''1*  »"  #  ./■/  ','  •\A.  ^*t',\,  V'.fc'.  ».'-,  [f  ,*■»  !..<  i,',r.»'-.'.  rv.il'. '*;. 
»*»  •  •'•''(',  *'■•-  /'v*  '»'  *'-  ''•  »**»^  ''*  i.)#/*,  (!'»•/.  fc»*7  Ifi'-y-*;,  *:.»-r': 
}4  •«'  •«  •(«  *-«  '«'  »f;A  *■'•'  ■'  *•<-#'  r..  v.,  Kt  'l  t.n  f,-,»..r.*-n,  *»«».  7', ,  .;.,-', 
I'f6'«*ii/  *•<  /  ff.  '(»,*  r"*'**'  '*■:'*'  -*  *;.'#T*/j  t'#  >'»  I  M /'.■.«■■ '»•' 
lf««k  \»ft»iiiffi  p*- f,' i*  tt.i  h  *'**\t  'u»^  t  fafi-:  *',  Htniii:  »*v  ''(r  V'i'»,  <»  •!  *%'• 

7'!*  >»'»/  #•  fi  I  If  tilt*  /  k. ;,".'.  M/./l  K*^«  'if  ftif  «■  fi.«,  tf.*<  If/'.lr  A^  if  ())«•/  |.;i'; 
li»*fi  li  ktir  hfAtu\  t*  *'.-t{,  /  'i./i'ti'l  "»*,  l.iivJ  '(.*  *M/  •',  tfi**  Iff- r J !«•'(. M'l 
f'rt  »♦(•  if.«i>i<  'I'iii  "  !,/»*/  •!  .'  h*'i'  V,  froHi  k  l,v<*  j.i/k  'l'»*fiW(ir'Jn,  1^ 
li»l<l  nil  »4'(.ir.fi|f  /  'ii.l*/  /',  i»  t.;'* ,  u\  i(  tr.#-»  in  f  \,*,  iffit* »  I'.M*  'ifily 
##»(■!(»»  I  l«#  l#«  ai.iftcl  I'l  t««  iip|.r«f  ii»'*  I,  Mr*  1  t|,«-  Ki'Minff,  »|i-r:".  Mi  jfiur 
I  fi'»«ii» »,  *i.4  'w.t/  *  ..(M*  -I  tf'i  n,  tj  r  !■(  wM*;i*  rv,  (ffcjilEi  fi-i'  r.M#  in'O  'lift' 
Ki^,  »•-!  (fl»  I  ',  ''!•.# ,  Mrlii'  ti  I  Iff.  fift'/  !-•■  I'.-  |ji'*-l  l»/  I'll-  \^rv.'^\'iu  *,\  It  11 
h'rd*  'I  i.<  Am '"rMii'.!  »',  I*  fftiivv  t  A.fc  Ml  lirjiT  lii<i  tiRnifufr  krMiku 
(  AM  f.  m  I'Mi'l  V'!  I  Irii'i  «  Kh*  i«  iiII  'lof.i'.  iri  l.fffj'fir  'A  iu\ii*.*  \\  fc'i'l  |i-(  I 
tM(  MM.  full* 'I  iMi'iM  l'«  'I'l  «'iiM'Mi(riK  f'«  ')'"•(  tvf  I*  A  kilvrr  ririr-i  ntund  I1 
hfiritf  f<HXirl/  •lirpijlul  ftff  Nii.iii.frai.  flu  millluitm'fM  \itmfu\.  |l  ii|  r<iit/ 
^.'•\  I'lf  ll'fW  II 'I  aitiilily  ()iiii|f  I  M  (•!  Ii'tf  >Mi 'I'l  It'll  wiiril  jl,  firi'l 
yifil  ImvH  M  1  iiiff  Mk'**  t^i'lt  j^i'iiRilf  wliillirr  V'hi  ilmll  Imy  r.  Itiil  \\\f, 
Wtrftlijr  Api*'Mmh<'»  «m«  jour  ')i<lr(«<,  Hrj'l  rnfirvf*  yi»iir  riMlifiiriiniitiifftl 
hy  bfidililMM  il'fWii  Mifniirl  ntntitl  di  y<iii,  rffiiKfiiliiU'itiKyoii,iiiorf:'iVfr. 
Iti  llmMfMlMi'av'ff  lih  hf  «il,ii|i'iii  "  llifi  vrryiiri-ii'  liMiKuin  ton  Iirvpk"', 
Villi  Ink  ft  II  Imiiiii,  mill  flim 'i«i  r  Hint  |iiiif  Iuhkhui  woulil  Ihi  (Imr  hL 
11*11  •lilHlH^a  I 

Wit  iinvri  ifMa  iiiin  of  lltf*iM  M'h^Ii  AiirlMiiia,  Mm),  dnljr  kirp  0|Hn 
Immi**  llml  lliit|r  limy  lliiiflMlflf  "lKk«i  In"  vuiLotn,  williniii  wulkiriK  in 
fiif  RVH  iiilhulM  |iUi|riiMil|r  liitiiioy  llin  i*iiiiiiUr  Utfin  uf  **  i{»i»iiig  thtt 
ff'imd"  llml  U  UliiK  miImI  limliU  In  tlin  IimmiI  lUyliRlil. 


-. .  ;  k  "-.*■  w'    M  ." '  .*  J-x  - .  i.Ti- ,r:::i  7,  ;::^  iveiiing  such 


THE    CAPITALIST 


r. 


THE    MOCKAUCTION. 

>x  fcr  *.;.e«s  tiihr  cr  ren  years,  and 
r*"i^  CT'Ty  (i'ly,  fcr  live  cajs  evrry 


:a;.h  ''..f.  M'.'^<- ^uc'i  n  is  eeneral  >"  c.''*e.' .  Ise  has 

of  h.*  rari  a.  ;.e-  I    Tfi-  arnioir.*  »i'.a'  r'^-'ff^l  o**"* 

^'a-  woj:!  cr.v*  llOTilsCHiLD  iL*o  :he  worklioiis?. 

v>'-.hty/i  r.'t\.ifj', — ^-0  expulsive  or  loo  cheap— 

.'.'':    -  «:..  u  ly  a  swer  cacdelaijra,  tlie  ii'-xt  a  silver 

';  f.i  r-  i'.^  h*:  »:.    a':d  a  h  lureti  suiaea  drrssinK-caae 


'.'.'  Iiirii.     ^i-y  : 

ti.. •.'.'>.      I:: 

'o;..-  ';'.',r.-.ii  i.r'jfj^r'y,  »r.'i  iri*t:^fcf*eniconan.useh:ni«el  by  biddinic 

a  Hi..  ..r.v  lor  a  h^'l*;  tr  j'r  pTy  [icn  kr.:  e.     Wby,  he  iuu*t  h.ve  aome- 

vrii*T';  4',Mi*  5f),W)//J'l  wT.i£ri:vfts  alrt-n'iy  I 

1  r.#;  sf'i',  i'>  li#:  r-as'li';  t'nV«"»-  liar.K^rir.s  for  are  evilen'Iy  razors. 
ari'l  ;<■»,  '',  .  ^<  a*  li  s  i-i.-li  /rn  hfrar-t,  you  wouli  fancy  he  never  »havea 
U'f.tx  til.*;  u.','..'\\  *'>  ar;'.tniTf.  Tsi*;  hairs  s  ici: 'ui  0:1  hi«  cvin  Hke  ihe 
Hiri'iiii  h  rr.-i'.'-al  iiiiiif1-h<x.  If  is  niO»t.  amtisin?  to  valch  htui  whra 
til*;  raxorii  nxf  l.-i-'iM  rout.d.  11^  will  sna'ch  one  off  ihe  tray,  arawthe 
f'iKf;  nrro'n  lui  f.a  1.  hr'ra'lir  Upon  it,  tlien  holil  U  up  to  *he  li<h',  and, 
a'tfir  wi|iuiK  it  in  th*:  ^*-\\\\*:**y  manner  ii[X)n  the  cut)  of  his  coat,  bid  for 
i>.  aa  rav<wK'H*ily  ai  if  hr:  wniiM  not  los^  the  sc-trce  articU  for  all  the 
wfhl'h  ofdi*!  .Minori»-!f,  Jl':  lias  ch-arly  a  mania  for  raurs. 
I  Wha*.  hi:  iIokh  wirli  all  fli*;  articiea  he  buys  we  cannot  tell.  If  the 
{'fciili-rhnieon  wrn;  hin,  it,  wo»)'l  cut  be  large  enough  to  contain  all  the 
nibbiHJi  liK  ha*i  hern  accuninUlinBr  the^e  lut  fen  years.  His  collection 
of  »i(li;l)Oar(i!i  alone  would  fill  ]i>do  Park,  and  he  must  possess  by  this 
tune  more  diiinb- waiters  than  there  are  real  wbiters  in  linfcland.  The 
niiiiilier  of  boot-jaf;k<i,  alio,  which  he  must  have  upon  his  hands  would 
have  nniHhed  any  oth^r  man  Ionf(  ago.  How  lie  stands  up  against  this 
dailr  aenitnula'ion  of  fiirnilurc  in  a  Irial  of  strength  thnt  but  few  men 
in  ttm  (/ily  could  endure  !  Any  body  else's  fortune  would  hare  bf*en 
broken  with  one  half  the  load  that  he  must  have  upon  LU  mind.  We 
havu  actually  seen  him  carry  off  lix  chests  of  drawers  in  one  morning ! 


I 


■ 


r 

a. 

'    0  a-B- 


r 


g  •       o 
■2.     ■? 


O 

O 
O 


H 


3  o  S 

cr  _,  2» 


p.  a  -  a. 


I  g  -■■§ 

"  o  £ 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARr\ARl. 


47 


It  TDAj  be  tli&t  he  pvea  a  gtttX  deal  away,  for  be  in  Cfirtainlr  very 
libffnU— o'herwise  wlut  can  De  want  with  tbe  innamermble  work^xM, 
broochea,  and  thiuibles  be  is  for  ever  ^tircbaains?  We  are  sure 
the  C«pitali5t  of  a  MookAuction  is  a  rrry  tomt  hukhand,  and  that  he 
hai  a  very  Urge  family  of  daughters,  and  that  be  never  goea  honic  lo 
the  bo^oni  of  his  ftmilj'  without  some  little  trillc  lucked  under  hi&  arin» 
lo  conTiQce  his  dear  wifr,  and  eacti  of  bis  di^ar  children,  that.,  even  in 
the  nddst  of  hi«  boundless  speculatioas,  bis  thoughts  at  times  rest 
lovingly  upon  thrm. 

The  CaiiiiAli&t  at  a  Mock-Auotion  is  calm,  self-pOAsessed,  Diild,  afiable, 
and  far  from  arrozant.  as  you  would  suppose  from  tbe  enormiiy  of  his 
wralt}]  be  must  be.  IfaatraoK^r  comes  into  the  arena  of  his  many 
triumphs,  (  e  gives  way  directly,  and  ceases  bidding  in  bis  favour.  Is 
not  titis  conUe9cen>ion  in  one  who  has  only  to  nod,  and  tbe  mos^ 
expensive  articte  in  (he  shop,  nay,  the  entire  shop  itself,  would  be 
imntiiiately  knocked  do^rn  to  bimf 

You  rever  would  fuppose  from  I  he  Capitalist's  appearance  that  he 
tvAR  &0  iucaiculably  rich  aa  be  is.  His  dress,  it  must  be  confes-ed,  is 
rather  shabby.  A  ruKty  bUck  suit  is  all  that  emhcllishes  l-ini.  and  bis 
fairly  bAudii  ate  ungloved.  But  th^sc  are  little  ecccntrtci' 'ei  'hat. 
Wt-al'b  is  privilege!  to  iuiUil;;e  in.  A  man  ibat  &p;:n;:s  from  ii^SOO  to 
£'2000  a  day  merely  in  trifles  and  eleiancics  can  well  afford  to  be  a 
Utile  negligent  in  his  person  I 

The  nam©  of  the  Capi^nIi^t  ha*  always  l>ecn  a  mystery.  We  have 
watciied  hioi  when  a  Frpnch  clock,  worth  at  least  £S0,  has  been 
knocked  down  to  bim  for  £10,  and  waited  in  anxie'y  for  bmi  lo  pro- 
nounce the  mvsifriousDame — but  all  in  vain,  A  coDfJdcrn'ial  smile  was 
all  that  DftsBcd  brtveen  him  and  the  Auc'ioneer,  and  ibe  clock  wns  pu* 
on  the  'iielf.  In  fact,  his  face  is  sofamiliiir  to  every  one contiectrd  with 
ihe  eslahlii'limenl,  from  tlir  Inrffe  pnrrhasf«  he  is  contintially  mj<kin|f, 
that  it  is  quuo  unnfoebsary  for  bim  to  give  his  name,  and  ye',  wh'  n  we 
asked  one  of  the  porters  who  lie  was,  the  stupid  man  could  not 
tril  us.  It  is  very  strange  tliat  one  who  spends  so  mucti  should  bo  so 
little  known  1 

As  the  clock  struck  Gve  one  day,  we  no! iced  tbe  Capitalist  was  pre- 
paring to  go  to  his  dinner.  We  followed  bin),  and  fonna  ourselves 
leated  opposite  lo  him  in  one  of  the  many  eaiitig-liouses  iliat  run  round 
the  Poultry.  We  naturally  expected  he  vou'd  order  turtle,  ic-d  puijcb, 
venwon,  ortolans  young  p  as,  every  expensive  delicacy  of  \hf  season  ; 
but  will  itlw  Iwlirvcd,  ttiatthat  great  Capiralist,  whn  hal  been  Ihvisbing 
his  bundre<U  all  day,  did  not  spend  nioi  o  than  l'H(^*  upon  his  dinner, 
including  his  )ialf':in(l-half  and  the  waiter? 

He  started  honie,  but  oJled  for  no  oab.  "  Well,  you  are  a  curious 
n  iiture,"  thought  we,  '"of  eiiravarancc  and  economy."  We  w.. Iked 
afier  him,  in  silent  admiral  ion.  He  sfopp'-d,  in  a  byestrerf,  nnd 
darlod  into  one  of  themns^  wretched-looking  houses.  Soon  afterwards 
we  suied  a  liglit  at  the  top  part  of  tbe  bouse.  "Isi'  possible,"  we 
couM  not  help  cxclaiminr,  "that  in  tba*  lorrly  garrrt  lire*  one  of  the 
greatest  Capitalists  of  tbe  present  day  P  "  No  wonder  that  he  has  not 
room  10  accomriiodate  all  the  aideboarda  he  is  perpetually  buying  ! 

Tbu  occurred  a  week  ago.  Since  then  we  have  had  reason  to  Kuspeot 
the  honesty  or,  a^.  Iraat,  the  sanity,  of  our  friend  iheCapt^al^st.  W-tcr. 
day  we  looked  in  at  a  Modt-Aucliuu.  The  indefaiigabls  Capitalist 
was  there,  as  usual.  A  valuable  maboijany  sideboard  had  just  bmn 
knocked  down  to  him  (or  £18  KV. 

At  twelv?  n'clr>ck  we  ptused  again.  Another  sideboard  was  knocked 
to  him  for  £19  b*. 

At  three  we  pa<4^ed  a  third  time,  »nd  again  he  bad  another  sideboard 
knocked  down  lo  turn  for  £18  7».  61/.4  and  on  inspection  we  found  ho 
had  purchased  thrre  rinica  over  the  same  ptece  of  furuiture.  Ho  had 
given  upwards  of  £60  fur  the  fame  si  if  board  1 

We  suspected  ourn.anius  an'ly.  Our  admiration  fell  into  the  gutter. 
It  was  evident  he  wa^  no  more  a  Capitalist  than  we  were.  He 
wasonly  playing  the  lartnf  ItoTiLsciiiLD  for  something  like  two  shillings 
a  dny.  Vrnly,  every"  hing  a'  a  Mock-Auction  is  mock,  from  Iho  Auc- 
tioneer down  to  the  Capitalist  I 


A  Mockery,  a  D«luaion,  and  a  Snare. 
We  peroeivp  by  the  railway  intelligence  of  the  past  week  that  one  of 
the  larxe  companies  haa  given  its  resident  engineer  a  portrait  of  himself 
and  £500  worth  of  stock  at  par.  Considt-ring  that  everything  in  the 
Ballway  world  is  now  at  a  tremendouH  dix-ount,  the  presentation  of 
anytking  at  par  to  anybody  is  like  giving  bim  a  ravenous  bear,  for  it  is  ten 
toone  hut  trie  shares  will  rat  bim  up  m  future  calls,  to  say  nothing  of 
the  actual  difference  between  acoep^bg  at  par  what  may  be  already  at 
diioount.  The  portrait  may  give  the  affair  a  different  complexiOF>,  and 
at  ail  evcnta  it  is  better  to  be  done  in  oU  1  ban  dona  in  railway  tecuriLiei. 

TSBTB   WABRaNTBO  TO  BITE. 

FoK  tbe  supply  of  ktst  teeth  never  think  of  consulting  a  regular 
praoli'ioner  in  dental  surgery.  Go  to  an  advertising  d^nti^it,  who  wdi 
ottlv  charge  you  90  guineas  a  eel  for  teeth,  wlucb,  you  m^y  depend  unun 

ir,  will  ceitainlv  bite the  purchaaer.     One  trial  (which  look  place 

laat  week,  in  a  law  court)  will  prove  the  fact. 


A  NOTE  FROM  ELYSIUM, 

B  see  you  Iir*re 
every  week,  Mr. 
PmmcA — imlrcd, 
would  it  he  Ely- 
sium wi'hout 
you— and,iherc- 
tore,  Hs  a  oon- 
etantrcadoi.and 
as  a  brother 
quill,  a  broibij* 
who  was  ever 
pioud  of  his  bit 
of  goo^e — even 
Wheu  I «  an  led  a 
dinner—  I  have 
to  rcgue-t  a 
word  thiougb 
y  OU  to  I  he 
rro'ecticnisJs. 
shades  as  wa  are,  we  are  s'ill  suaotpiibic  of  what  you  say  of  us  above; 
and  feel  aa  much  delight  when  now  editions  of  u^  comr  nut.  as  1  was 
delighted  in  my  blooni-coloured  couf,  luade  by  John  ViUBt,  at  the 
Harrow,  in  Water  l/ane.  If,  then,  we  are  pleasaiiUy  ulive  to  a  com- 
pliiiirnt,  we  are  no  less  susceptible  of  vulgar  usage.  We  do  rol  like 
our  tinea  pressed  into  wrongful  service.  It  is  a  lort  of  moral  forgery 
oommitled  npon  ns.  that  »tirs  our  ioHor.  Nom^,  1  who,  n-hil-t  iu)oiir 
world,  w-aa  one  of  the  least  irri  able  of  creatures,  I,  who  had  not  a  drop 
of  vanity  of  ink  in  my  whole  bcdy— reen  1,  am  conip»lleJ  to  couiplaiii 
of  the  treatment  that  my  poetry  daily  sus'aiim  at  the  mouths  ot  the 
'ProuctiontalV  hs  fhcy  call  thtniselves.  The  ili-uaed  bnea— if  I 
remember  them  aright — are  these: — 

" '  PrlncM  and  IoMr  ni»r  fi(rart»h  iinJ  lony  fudp, 
A  bnatl)  can  nuke  tuem  u  k  lireiLili  luu  muto.' 

"  Now,  Mr,  Punek^  these  Princes  and  Ivords  have  been  put  upon  suob 
bard  service — have  be<'n  so  pawed  ani  mauled  abou',  ihiit,  I  am  sure  of 
it,  I  hey  are  bv  no  mrans  the  samp  people  iIih)  orumalty  came  out  of  H'y 
iiik-tK>Ml.'.  The  Princes,  are  Phincb  Purttymass.  and  lb«  Lords, 
LobdNoodl£S.    I  p'-otrst.iV/-. i'Kjwjt,  1  will  notendurelbis.  Again:— 

**   Bnt  ■  bold  peuiintry,  tbelr  romitrjr'a  pride. 
When  onc«  denmiy'd  can  nercr  ho  &iij>[>llo<].' 

"My  peasantry  were  sturdy,  rrd-cbcekcd  feliov»s.  with  smockfrocks 
whi'e  as  daisif-s  on  Ibem,  — now,  ihtae  'ijcasantry'  hwve  been  fo 
worked  hnd  belaboured  at  public  meetings,  that  t  ffbi>iildii*t.  know  th*  m 
from  serfs  or  Hotteuiots.  I  must  request,  iVr. /*tfiiiJ">J,  1  hat  my  pro- 
P'-rty— 'he  property  eiisbrined  in  the  four  lines  riicd  ahovc,  be  in  luture 
respccied,  fur  a  twelvemonth— .'ay  a  t  welvemouth,  at  least— not  expoaed 
ei'  her  in  parliament  or  upon  platforms. 

"  We  have  a  great  deal  of  fun  here,  especially  with  our  k'o  ori  iM, 
wh'  m  we  now  and  Iben  turn  out  and  hunt,  juat  as  you,  in  ihc  upper 
world,  bunt  bares  :  only  there  ia  tbia  disaiivantage  in  our  sport,  we 
caunoL  eat  our  game  that,  although  duly  killed  forthetiuie,  is  iilive  again 
for  new  diversion.  But  no  one,  better  than  ynurself,  Pvnek,  knows 
that  critics,  like  turtles,  are  vary  hard  to  kill.  Likp  tur'.les,  100,  they 
have  been  tnown  to  live  for  a  long  timci  without  Ihtir  brains. 

'*  Xou  wmdd  hardly  know  Johnson— he  baa  turned  so  droll  and 
frisky.  He  is  atill  attended  by  Baubkb,  bia  black  servant ;  only  be  is 
not  black  here,  all  being  of  the  same  colour  in  Elysium,  a  melauo'^oly 
fact  that  may  cause  very  virtuous  disgust  in  the  bosom  of  Tuomas 
Cajilyle.  wbose  lettrr,  by  the  »ay,  upmi  ^Uv^^y,  in  a  lule  Prater,  was 
publicly  burnt  here  by  an  indignant  flash  from  Al-OLLO— irom  that 
iM.uartial  God,  who»e  lighf  hghs  all ;  and  even  Cahltle  'a  *clephanl* 
England,  and  my  own     rat*  Ireland. 

"  But  to  r»-iuni  lo  JouKSON:  I  eeni  you  lis  U»t  conundrum.  Only 
think  of  \Rajtelas'  making  conurdrums!  But  here  are  kU  soria  of 
contradidions- all  kinds  of  pretty  nmenitir;!.  I  could  show  yr  u  a 
ptt'tern  for  a  sampler  dra*n  by  IUphaiel,  and  a  tob-cc'-^lonpcr, 
carvrd  and  presentrd  to  Fajlb,  I  mean  'he  UocTon.  not  the  Pill  PaRB, 
by  MicuAEL  Akoblo.  But.  Johnson's  conundrum— it  ii  of  course 
at  tbe  expense  of  BoawuLL.  'What,'  says  the  Doctor,  'What  ia 
the  cause  of  the  scarcity  of  tiitiber  in  Scotland?'  Nohodv  could 
guess  it— not  even  Mebcubt,  '  Whr,  Sirs,  this— because  every  Scotch- 
man, when  be  comes  to  yeara  of  discrei  ion,  cuts  hi*  R'ick.* 

"  What  ttiink  you  of  that  from  the  'Vaoity  of  Human  Wishes  f* 
"  Yours  affectionately,  dear  Punch. 

"  OuTKK  Golhsmxtb." 

"  P.8.  RiiHOLDa  and  Flaxuak.  with  a  crowd  of  painters  und 
sculp'ors,  hsTe  been  lookinic  and  wonderine  nil 'ho  afternoon  at  Doyle's 
book  of  '  Manners  and  Ccstoms  qf  pe  Snglynht*  winch  even  IUt.nouds 
pronounces  *  nuracidoui ! '  B*  ihe  wuy,  Sia  Jo-hua  sends  Woyle  a 
•ubjeot,  an  allegory  of  the  Protecting  Landlord  and  the  Prnt.ecled 
tarmcr.  Tlie  subject  ia  tbi^- A  Vamp're  Hnl,  MctdiTig  i's  sleeping 
Tiotuu ;  blficdiug  and  gently  fanning  winU  it  bleeds.    Will  it  do F *' 


I 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


THE    DWARF   AND    THE    GIANT. 


We  never  remember  such  a  evirious  illuatralion  of  Ibe  old  puff  of 
"Two  Exhibitiona  in  One,"  m  ihhi  afforded  by  ihe  career  of  Locw 
Napoleon.  Little  more  tliaa  a  year  ago  he  was  looked  upon  as  a 
politjcnl  dwarf,  and  errry  bodj  was  laiiphing;  at  the  idra  of  ao  very  small 
an  objec'  beinf^  pUced  iti  a  conspicuous  po«itioD,  for  it  was  felt  almost 
universally,  that  to  rlevate  it  pea  de  ekoie  wa«  not  to  uphold  him,  but  to 
hold  liitii  up  to  ridicule.  France  tieenied  to  beading  the  part  of  show- 
man in  the  midal  of  the  fantastic  absurdities  of  its  revolution,  and 
appeared  lo  be  or>inf;  out  to  the  rest  of  Europe,  "  Walk  up,  here,  walk 
lip.  You  are  now  in  time  to  see  the  llcpublican  dwarf,  the  smallest 
President  in  the  world.  ^\'iilk  up.  and  you  will  tee  a  worthy  follower 
of  tbe  American  General  Tou  Thumb,  so  famoua  for  hia  miniature 
copy  of  thd  £iiFEROib  Na?OLEOK." 


Scarcclr  »ix  months,  however,  had  e!a|)sed,  when  the  dwarf  oom- 
nitnced  shooting  up  in  a  manner  that  surprised  (he  whole  world,  which 
bad  not  been  prepared  for  the  upshot.  Time's  trltscopa  has  siuca 
acted  as  a  maKnifving  glass  of  the  moat  extraordinary  power,  for  when 
iX  the  close  of  1849  we  look  at  the  dwarf  of  1S4^S,  we  find  tliat.  he  baa 
cutgrown  all  knowledge,  and  if  he  should  oul-grow  his  own  strength, 
■lis  rapid  aggraodiaeatcnt  will  prove  in  iho  end  to  have  been  a 
^rowing  evil. 

It  is  nofc  surprising  that  a  man,  who  seems  to  place  no  limits  tx)  hit 
owtt  political  growth,  should  refuse  1o  be  restricted  bv  any  measures 
whatever.  We  never  saw  a  more  complete  instance  of  an  ell  having 
been  taken,  where  only  an  inch  was  intended  to  be  given. 


ISLK  OF  DOGS  A  PENAL  SETTLEMENT. 

As  it  appears  that  all  our  Colonies  have  given  notice  to  EaRL  Gret 
that  none  of  our  convicts  shall  lodge  and  board  with  them,  ii.  has  bet-n 
de'eriuiued  by  the  Colonial  Minister  to  m»ke  the  hie  of  Doars  a  penal 
settlement.  It  is  calculated  thxt  the  isUnd  will  accommodut',  well- 
packf^,  about  100,000  I'elous.  All  communicatiou  will  be  cut  otf  wi^h 
the  iiUud,  and  acordon  sanitaiie  estabtisbed  upon  ihe  opposite  shore's. 
We  are  further  enabled  to  iiiforoi  our  readeis  th^t  Mr.  Gkorge 
HoDsoN,  uewlf-cleanscd  and  sweetenc^l  for  the  office,  will  he  appoiutrd 
Governur  of  the  Island,  with  permissiua  occasir-nally  lo  hoiat  \i\\  fl«g— 
three  stags  in  a  field  improper— on  board  the  /Fjv.  Government  engi- 
neers and  architects  have  been  ordered  to  the  island,  to  make  the 
necessary  prepara'ioni,  and  lo  commence  the  building  of  a  mansion  for 
the  Governor  The  mansion,  i'.  is  understood,  will  be  of  the  I.  O.  Unic 
order,  faced — and  very  boldly  faced— with  oomposilion. 


A  Coroner  on  Fire. 


I 


The  Coroner  for  the  City  of  London  is  so  warm  in  his  official  2fal, 
that  he  insists  upon  silting  on  every  fire  ho  hears  of.  Some  people 
ohj  ct  to  his  doing  so,  and  be  no  sooner  sits  upon  a  fire  than  he  finds 
himself  hauled  over  the  coals  rather  unceremoniously.  His  Salaman- 
drtne  ambition  proves  a  spirit  deeply  imhncd  with  the  philosophy  of 
Houus.  and  there  is  no  doubt  tha^,  in  silling  upon  a  fire,  he  feels  lie  has 
an  a'ldilional  range — though  sometimes  a  kitchen  range — of  usefulness. 
'1  he  Coroner  takes  very  goodtemperedly  all  the  remarks  made  u'oun  his 
alleged  ofHciousness,  and  indeed  it  is  not  surprising  that  a  functionary, 
who  ii  alwwa  ready  to  sit  upon  a  fire,  should  not  be  ea&il^  put  out,  and 
requires  a  great  deal  of  cold  water  lo  be  thrown  upon  him,  before  his 
enthusiasm  is  completely  damped. 


THE  HEiLTH  OF  EUROPE  DURING  THE  LAST  WEEK. 

F&AircE  is  excessivply  weak,  and  her  consfitution  is  gradually  break- 
ing up.  She  says  she  has  the  weight  of  a  mountun  on  her  breast  that 
pieveuts  her  lismg.  She  still  complaina  bitterly  of  the  great  vacuum 
m  her  chest'. 

Russia  has  been  troubled  with  a  sHght  attack  of  yellow  feyer. 
B'eeuinfl;  was  recommended,  and  wa*  insfan  ly  carried  out  to  a  copious 
extent  in  the  Ci'y.  Rua-'ift  has  fell  very  much  better  siuce,  aud  ia 
very  tbaukful  to  England  for  ihs  unexpected  relief. 

Austria  is  endeavouring  to  re^m  the  strength  she  has  lost  in 
Hungary.  She  ia  still  ntunned  wirh  the  dreadful  blow  she  received 
ilifrc,  which  was  nearly  the  deailiof  her.  She  is  recommended  to  keep 
t|uiet  for  some  time  to  come. 

England  is  collfotlng  her  members  together,  and  rubbing  them  up 
for  the  grand  light  t  hat  is  expect.ed  to  come  off  on  the  3Ui  instant.  She 
feels  quite  strong  enough,  sbe  says,  to  spurn  the  smallest  offer  of 
"  Protect  ion." 

Ireland  is  still  very  low  and  weak,  but  hopes  to  pickup  a  little  during 
(he  Session.  She  is  strictly  ordered  not  to  make  a  noise,  and  to  refrain 
from  all  quack  medicines. 


CLERICAL   CONUNDRUJl. 


Q.  WuT  is  the  case  of  Goaiuu  p.  Thk  Bishop  or  Exbtbk,  in  the 
view  of  the  Privy  Council,  like  Professor  Keller  of  ploatto  notoriety  F 
A.  Because  it '«  a  poser. 


TUa   RAILWAY   BHARE-BIAAIUT. 

A  BLionT  rise  in  the  pric3  nf  wasteusper  has  given  en  impstus  fo 
almost  every  description  of  Railway  Bliares :  and  there  is  no  doubt 
that  when  some  of  llie  hravier  stock — the  coarse  cartridge  paper — has 
been  cleared  off,  the  heavier  railway  stock  will  Bynpathtsc. 


A  SIBTHORP. 


k 


Q.  When  will  the  Irish  people  cease  (o  call  for  repeal  f 

J*  When  there  are  no  fools  left  wiikin  iViW,  to  listen  lo  Ibeni- 


Tne  crflXQxs  or  otm  oov)9try. 
"  HoflViTALiTY  (like  property)  has  its  duties  aa  wrll  as  its  ritm**^ 
and  this  is  best  proved  by  the  duties  that  are  nlwaya  levied  at  the 
Custom  House  whenever  a  strauger  lands  in  England  to  partake  of  ita 

hospitality.  


KJENTISU   FIRE  AND   SUOKB. 


Wr  have  often  heard  of  Krntiih  fire  at  public  assemblies,  but  never, 
bitbc:tt«\  of  any  Ken'ish  smoke,  though  the  fire  in  question  is  usually 
accompanied  bv  much  vapour.  Kentish  fmoke^  however,  of  the  deiiseat 
kind,  was  emitted  last  week  by  the  Pro-Com-Law  orators  on  Penendea 
Heath. 


I 

4 

H 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


49 


GENEROUS  KEDUCTION  OF  RENT. 

Ma.  JoHif  O'COKKBLL  held  his  meeting  of  tenants  in  Dublin  last 
week.  Jt  w&B  not  very  numerously  atspmbled,  for  we  doubt  if  the 
number  of  his  tenants  exceeded  ten.  Mk.  Jomv  O'Connell  said  he 
vvuitlii  detain  ttieui  but  a  few  minutes.  He  then  l>egan  a  apeech  which 
lastrd  two  bonrv.  In  the  course  of  it  he  aaid,  "  He  had  heard  a  great 
deal  of  the  hardness  of  the  ttnie«.  and  he  must  say  they  wrre  parlicu- 
l^rly  hard  upon  him.  for  let  him  worlc  m  bard  as  he  would,  he  couM 
hardly  make  a  decent  penny.  Aa  fur  Kepeal.  it  was  fairly  reduced  to 
it»  last  penny.  What  did  he  rn&ke  last  week?  Why  only  ttnpencc- 
halfpenny  1  And  the  wet^k  brfore?  Why«nolhinR  but  adirty  fourpeuny* 
bit!  He  should  like  to  reduce  their  rents,  hut,  in  the  face  of  such 
terrible  truths,  how  could  he  do  it  ?  However,  he  was  the  last  man  to 
lax  their  good-nature,  and  so  he  would  leave  the  matter  entirely  to  their 
generosity.  As  for  hiuiself.  he  didn't  wk  for  anvfhing!  They  might 
give  exactly  what  they  pIcAsed."  [Tremendoui  chtcring,  toMck  latted 
iecerai  mtHmt^s) 

After  this  the  Meetinir  separated,  and  we  are  happy  to  stale  that  in 
consequrDCc  of  the  liberal  proposal  of  M*.  John  0  Cosxell,  every  one 
availeil  himself  of  it ;  ana  as  the  rent  was  left  eulirely  to  them,  thev 
tliought  the  best  thiDg  was  to  leave  it  alone.  The  amount  of  "  licnt/' 
therefore,  collected  at  the  doors  did  not  exceed  a  penny  postage  stamp. 
and  there  aic  some  strong  douois  whether  that  baa  not  beeu  used 
before  1 


THOUGHTS    ON    A    NEW    COMEDY. 
{Being  a  LeiUrfrom  M&.  J— A  Plvsh  to  a  FrUnd.) 

"  Whell  of  Fortune,  Ban, 

"Mt  Dkaji  Rntctn,  ^'JeTivimry  twenty Jith, 

**Mh  and  Mary  Hank  was  very  much  pleased  with  ibc  box 
of  feznia  and  woodcox,  which  jou  sent  us,  both  for  the  attention 
which  was  dellygit,  and  because  the  burds  waa  uncommon  good  and 
full  of  flaviour.  Some  we  gev  away :  some  we  bett :  and  I  leave  you 
to  emailgin  lliat  the  Idann  tA  sent  em  will  holways  find  a  glass  of 
aomtthink  comforablo  in  our  Barr ;  and  I  hope  youll  soon  come  back 
to  Ijondon,  Kinceo,  my  boy.  Your  acount  of  the  Servants*  all  fesliv- 
Tatiea  at  Fitzbattlcaxe  Caatle,  and  your  dancing  Sir  Rodjydycovyly  (I 
dont  know  hovr  to  suell  it)  with  L&dt  Havgdsteb,  emuaed  Ma&Y 
Qakn  vtry  mucli.  Tnat  sottathiug  ia  very  well— onat  a  year  or  to : 
but  in  my  time  I  thought  the  fun  didnt  begin  until  the  great  folks  h«d 
(tone  away.  Give  my  kind  tuvvices  to  Mus.  Lupin,  and  tell  MoHSiiEa 
Basniufu.  with  my  and  Makt  Haxn's  best  wuhes,  that  our  Uttlo 
Fanny  can  play  several  tunes  on  his  planner.  Comps  to  oM 
Coachy. 

"  Till  parlymint  nolhink  ia  atirring,  and  ihercs  no  noose  to  give  you 
or  fill  my  sheat — igvept  (and  I  dessay  this  will  surprizs  you)— igaept  I 
talk  about  the  new  Flay, 

"  Although  Im  not  genly  a  paHemiser  of  the  Crammer,  which 
it  int«rfcara  very  nmch  with  my  abbits  and  ixpeshly  ia  not  plesnt 
dareckly  after  dinner  to  set  ligfT  to  a  culd  thcafter  for  a  middle- 
Hago  Mann,  who  likes  to  fake  things  beasy;  yet,  my  dear  feller, 
I  do  from  time  to  titue  step  in  (with  a  border)  to  the  walls  of  the 
little  Ayoiarket  or  Old  Dewry,  sometimes  to  give  a  treat  to  Mhs. 
Jkaius  and  the  younguns,  sometimes  to  wild  awa;ra  bidle  hour  when 
ahea  out&town  or  outatemper  (which  sometimes  wilt  ocur  in  the  best 
reglated  famlies  you  know)  or  when  some  private  mellumcoUy  or  sorrer 
of  niv  own  is  a  hagitating  bof  me. 

*'  Yesdy  evening  it  was  none  of  these  motib  which  iujuiced  me  to  go 
to  the  tueayter—l  had  heard  there  was  aoommady  jcat  brought  out, 
inwulviiiff  the  carricklerof  our  profession — tha'  protcshn  which  you 
and  me  NJLu.  Uikc£B,  did  oust  belong  to — I'm  not  above  that  profeshn. 
I  ave  its  hintarcsta  and  Hunor  at  art :  and  of  hevery  man  that  wears 
the  Flush,  I  say  tiiat  Mann  ia  my  Brother — (uot  that  I  need  be  pfaonder 
of  him  for  that,  on  the  contry«  I  reckleot  at  our  sc)k>o1  where  1  lunt 
Iho  fust  rules  of  athography  and  grammer,  the  Brothers  were  holwis  a 
pitclien  into  heach  other)— bat  in  fine,  I  lore  the  Flush  of  hold  days, 
and  hah  I  1  regret  that  hold  Fatiuk  TiiiE  is  doing  somethbk  to  uy 
hit,  which  wighlns  it  more  pumminanlly  than  the  Powder  which  once 
I  warl 

"A.  commady.  Sir,  lia^  been  brought  out,  (which  Im  surpriacd  it  aint 
been  mentioned  at  my  Barr,  thouj^h  to  be  sure  moae  gents  is  keeping 
Griimass  Olydays  in  the  Ciumry)  in  which  1  was  crcdilably  infomtmed 
— one  of  bus — one  of  the  old  Ptu»he^ — why  should  1  fxitiie  to  »ay,  a 
Footman,  forms  the  prirsple  drammitis-pursony.  How  is  ay  border 
represented  on  the  British  S^age  I  hast  myself?  Are  we  apoke  of 
reapeckful  or  otherwise  ?  Does  anybody  inear  at  our  youniiorm  or 
purfcahnP  I  waa  determingd  to  see  ;  and  in  ca^  of  hanythink  inslant 
neing  eaid  of  us,  1  took  a  key  with  ute  in  border  to  ias  propply ;  and 
bou^t  sevnj  horringers  yat  to  make  uce  of  em  if  I  sor  any  nneuaty. 

"  jly  dear  Bj^cbil.  1  greave  to  say»  that  though  there  wia  nothink 
•giinst  oar  puifcahn  aaid  in  the  pease— and  though  the  uost  delligit 


and  senaatif  footman  (and  Ive  known  no  men  of  more  dellixy  of  feelin 
and  sensabtllatr  than  a  well  reglated  footman  is  whether  bin  or  bout  of 
iivry)  could  find  folt  with  the  lamgmidge  of  the  T4ew  Commadv  of  "  leap 
year."  jet  Us  priosples  ia  dangerous  to  publick  maralaty,  as  likewise  to 
our  beloved  purfeahn. 

"The  plot  of  the  Pease  is  founderd  upon  a  hancieut  Lor,  which  tho 
Uauther,  Ma.  Bcckstonb,  discovned  in  an  uncommon  hold  book,  and 
by  whioh  it  epears  that  in  Lip-Year  (or  whals  called  Bisiixdile  in 
Istronnamy)  it  is  the  women  who  have  the  libbaty  of  choosing  their 
Ubbands,  and  not  as  in  homary  times,  rtie  men  who  choose  their  wi?ea 
(I  rrckmend  you  old  feller  who  are  a  reglar  hold  Batchylor,  to  look  out 
in  the  Ormnack  for  Lip  Year,  and  kip  noui  of  tie  uay  that  year)  and 
tills  pragttoe  must  be  common  Enough  in  Heugland,  for  a  commady  is  a 
r^prasentation  of  natur,  and  in  this  one,  every  one  of  the  women  asts 
eveiy  one  of  the  men  lo  marry  :  igsept  one,  and  she  asts  two  of  em. 

"Onst  upon  a  time  there  waa  an  old  geulum  by  the  name  of 
Flowerdkw  as  married  a  young  woman^  who  became  in  consouinoe 
Mrs  Flora  Flowkildew.  She  made  this  hold  buck  so  Appy  auring 
Uic  breaf  coarse  of  hia  meddrimoniai  career,  that  he  left  a  will,  border- 
ing hfr  to  marry  agin  before  three  years  was  over,  failing  vich,  hevary 
«hillin  of  his  proppaty  should  co  to  his  nex  llair.  Aving  maid  these 
destimentry  eraugeuieuts  hold  FLOW£iu>£w  died.  Peace  be  to  his 
Hashi^! 

"  His  widder  didnt  cry  much  (fur  betwigat  you  and  me  F.  must  have 
been  raytber  a  silly  old  feller),  but  lived  on  in  a  genteal  manner  in  a 
house  somewhere  in  the  drecshoo  of  Amstid  I  shoiud  think,  entertaining 
her  frends  like  a  lady :  and  like  a  lady  she  kcp  her  ooachman  and  groom  : 
had  her  own  maid,  a  cook  &  housemaid  of  coarse,  a  page  acdaMANN. 

*•  If  /  had  been  u  widder  1  would  have  chcas  a  Man  of  a  belter  Ithe, 
than  Mkp.  Fi/jwEHJtw  did.  Rethink  becomc^t a  footman  sn  much  as 
Ithe.  Its  that  which  dixtinguidges  us  from  the  wulnr,  and  I  greave  to 
say  in  Ibis  pediokkr  the  gentleman  as  bacted  Viluau  Valxxb,  Mns.  F's 
man,  was  sadly  dcfishnt.  He  was  respeckble,  quiet,  horderly,  hactive 
—but  bis  figger  I  must  ray  was  no  go.  You  and  me  Kincbr  avo  seen 
footmen  uia  know  whats  the  proper  sort— seen  em  F  Hah,  what 
men  there  wa^  in  hour  time  !  Do  you  reckleol  Bill  the  Maypole  as 
was  with  us  at  Lord  Akmebsmitus  F  What  a  chap  that  was  !  what 
a  leg  be  ad !  The  young  men  are  not  like  us.  Ton  Kikckk,— but  1  am 
diwerging  from  my  tail^  which  I  rcshume. 

"  X  didonarive  at  the  oommeosment  of  the  drummer  (for  tbeir  wa4  a 
Puriy  a  settling  his  akower  in  my  Barr  which  kep  me  a  cumscdentble 
time),  but  when  I  hentcrcd  the  theaytre  I  fown  myself  in  presnts  of 
Ma.  &  Mb£.  C.  Keam  in  a  droring-roomb,  Mns.  K.  at  a  tabble  pertend- 
ing  to  right  letters,  or  (o  so  ankyshuffs,  or  somethink,  Mb..  K.  a  elapsing 
bis  ks,  a  rowling  his  his,  and  a  quoa'ing  poa'ry  &  Btkou  and  that  sort 
of  thing  bke  anythinL 

**Mhs.  Keait.  shewBstbewiddo,  and  MilK.  he  wasViLLUlf  the  man. 
He  wasnt  a  Buttler  dear  Hiacea  like  U.  Uewasnt  groom  of  the 
Chiuibera  like  Mil.  Mkvt  at  my  Lords  (to  wbomb  my  best  eom- 
plymince),  be  wasnt  a  mear  footman,  be  wasnt  a  pan  :  but  he  was 
a  mixfcr  of  all  4.  He  had  trowties  like  a  page  with  a  red  strip;  he  had  a 
coatlikeaUunndresa  Jghn  ;  he  had  the  helegant  mialarv  of  Mk.  Mewt, 
and  there  was  a  graceful  abanding  and  a  daggijay  hair  a^out  him  which 
I  whish  it  was  more  adopted  in  our  purfeslm. 

"  Haltlio  in  hour  time,  dear  Hinceil  we  didn  quoat  BruoM  and 
&H1KSFYBU  in  the  droring-room  to  the  laoies  of  the  famly,  pmps  things 
is  haltered  sins  the  marge  of  kinlaUcl,  and  the  young  Jeauess  do  talk 
po'rv'.— Well,  for  sevral  year?,  during  which  be  bad  bran  in  Mas.  F.'s 
servjoc,  AValkkr  hul  bera  goin  on  in  this  manner,  and  it  was  faeaay  at 
one:  to  see  at  the  very  hopeuiug  of  the  pease,  from  the  manner  of  musia 
and  man,  that  there  was  more  t^an  the  common  sewdUt  ies  of  a  lady  and 
a  genloiau  in  livary  goin  on  between  em,  and  in  oue  word  that  they 
were  p<L8hintly  in  love  with  each  other.  This  wont  surpiize  w>u 
Hixczii.  my  boy;  and  in  the  coarse  of  m^  exoearance  I  might  tell  a 
story  or  two — 0  Lady  Ha&abellab!  but  Honor  forbids,  and  Im 
mumm. 

"  Several  shutors  come  to  whoo  the  widow ;  but  none,  and  no  great 
wonder,  have  made  an  impresbn  on  her  heart.  One  she  takes  a*  a 
hmbana  on  trial — and  he  went  out  to  dinner  oa  the  very  fust  day  of 
his  apprentiabip,  and  came  home  intog^icattd.  Another  whomb  she 
would  not  have,  a  Captain  in  the  Harmy,  pulls  out  a  bill  when  she 
refuses  him,  and  requestes  her  to  pay  for  his  loss  of  time,  and  the 
clothes  he  has  bordered  m  border  to  captiwatr  lier.  Finely  the  piece 
hcnds  by  the  widdo  proposing  to  Willlak  Walkxb,  hex  servant)  and 
marrying  that  pusson. 

*'  I  don't  bask  whether  widdos  take  nshands  on  trial.  I  do  not  pores 
to  inquier  whether  Captings  send  in  bills  of  costs  for  ooortship,  or 
igsamming  other  absudoafies  in  Ibis  Commady.  I  look  it  purfeshnly, 
and  I  Ijok  at  it  gravely,  BufCER.  Hand,  1  cant  help  seoog  that  ts 
diUigerous  to  our  norder,  and  subwussive  of  domestic  maralaiy. 

"I  say  Iheres  a  Pnna[>te  in  a  honist  foo'man  which  should  make 
him  purtest  and  rewolt  aginst  suoh  doctorings  as  tbese.  A  fatle  pashn 
may  OApa  bany  day  to  hany  Mann;  as  n  ctiiuibly-pott  may  drop  on  bis 
bead,  or  a  homnibus  drive  hover  him.  We  cant  help  fallkg  in  love 
with  a  fine  woman— we  are  men :  we  are  fine  men  praps ;  and  prapt 


>£s^6rfvV?'. 


50 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ahe  ntutm  our  Wd^r.  But  whMs  Ihe  UMof  itf  There  co»  be  no  iD%rrid|ei  bet  wen 
footmen  md  Umilies  in  whicU  they  live.     There '»  »  Lor  of  Nator  »g*iiut  if,  uid  it 

tltould  b«  wTolo  Jo  Ilia  prayef-books  for  the  use  of  JoiiK*  tb*t  «,  maa  iu*F  not  tuArrr 
hU  Misim— It'lhia  kind  of  thiitff  w«  to  go  on  hoftenjUere  would  b^  an  end  to  domialic 
life.  JOHH  would  be  bolways  up  in  the  droriajf  room  coiiriinff:  or  Miss  wo-uld  be  for 
liorcr  dowD  in  tfio  p*utry  :  you'd  ffct  no  vphirk  done.  How  could  beclcan  bis  plate  propplj 
wiU  Mis*  holding  one  of  iiis  anda  sitlin  on  ihe  knife  bordP  It's  impawsablc-  Wc  ctuij 
marry  in  ofher  fjoilies  but  not  in  our  iiown.  We  have  eacli  our  spears  an  »e  haTeMch  our 
BelU*  Tliairs  i»  the  fust  flor  ;  hour*  is  the  baaemiDt.  A  man  who  marris  bis  Miisiis  hioffer* 
Lib  purfe*hflAl  brutberiaf.  I  would  cut  lb*t  Man  dedd  itho  married  hii  Miwis.  I  would 
bUckb*wl  him  at  the  clubb.  Let  it  oust  git  abrtad  that  we  do  ao,  ns^d  famUea  will  leaTft  off 
iriog  footmen  haltogetlier  hnd  be  'Weighted  upon  by  maids,  wliich  llie  young  Udits  cant  marry 
them,  and  I  leave  you  lo  aay  wbttUcr  the  purfeibn  isnt  a  good  on^,  and  wbetber  it  woodnt 
be  a  pity  to  spoil  it. 

louii  ueTer  mj  dear  Iuitceil 

"o^  /^  Dure  OF  FiTZBATTUA^caj 

*'BUbsiUiaM  CffMtU,  FLnUkvrt." 


The  "Kma  ptvsji  uLTBi  "  ov  Sa^TiHuxi. 


A  COlJfiCrEKCE  MONM-MANIAC. 

AotEAT(!eal  oF  cash  must  puss  (broughfhe  hand*  of  fhcCnASCHLixm  op  iwt.  EicnzqiiKE; 
jret  nobody,  one  would  think,  would  coutribule  more  to  tbe  ainoimt  thiin  he  could  lielp.  Not 
W.  AmonfT  tbe  acknowledgments  of  Ibose  ^jsaccauntafale  r^ mitfanccs  of  conscicncC'inoney 
to  GoTenimcnt  which  are  alu  oit  daily  published  in  the  Time,\  it  was  notiHed  tbe  Otbrr 
day,  tbat— 

"The  CiiirtrtLLCiti  nr  -mi  Eicfteoum  tu«  r«*ivcd  fma  T.  C.  D.  XU  Bmt  lulTwof  Ewik  ?«►*«■  far  £aO, 
nAlttvd  as  »  nim  eduLdenitl  to  be  owJnff  to  Gorcniia'GtiC 

C&MtiJend  lo  be  owiog  to  Government  [  Tben  T.  C  D.— ioitialg  tbit  we  feel  tempted 
Jo  lUppOM  to  B+tttpd  for  "Tender  Conftcienced  Dockey"— is  not  ivrtoj*  tbat  bo  owes 
Govemmfnt  the  £00.  Come— aurelj-^  in  a  dubioua  Question  like  tbij,  a  man  may  be  allowed 
to  fcire  buiteir  tbe  benefit  of  tbe  doubr. 


A  Curling  imtch  on  the  Ic*. 

A  cquiapoNTJKJiT,  whoie  slupia  Ke*d  oujjbt  to  be  brought  at  once  to  tho  barber's  block, 
lu  wn-len  lo  into  knowwhat  m  ihe  mesniug  of!  be  recent  Curiibg  Mafcli  oatheitse.bttween 
the  EiJU.  OP  MAtfftFiELD  and  the  E^rloi-Egltntqi*,  Our  correepondcttt,  to  whom,  we  sbouM 
^  ^*'li*°v'  1**  corrcipond  in  any  particular,  is  imbecde  enough  to  ask  us  bow  it  happens  that 
Ihc  nohio  Mrl9,  who  must  bavc  fo  Jifcauy  o'her  irons  iu  the  Gre,  can  procure  time  to  pop  a  pair 
of  curliDgirona  mlo  the  fire  also  ?  We  will  not  comleacend  to  explain  lo  our  feeble-minded 
correspondent  tLat- curl mg'  is  a  fine  old  aport,  v<?ry  different  frem  Ihe  effeniinato  praotice 
of  twialing  the  hair  into  rmgleU ;  and  we  cftn  only  add,  that  if  be  couU  now  behold  us.  he  would 
witneia  a  swctmen  of  another  kind  of  curlio^f.  for  he  would  see  our  lip  in  the  very  stiffest  curl 
of  contempt  at  hn— anything  hut—'*  bleased'*  ignorance. 


Thb  Doijfti  01  NkboljlS.— mitst  the  EjtPEEon  or  RuaaiA'i  dodge  is  To  B«m  b 
one  i«c^  it  11  evidently  to  be  For  B^ntUG  in  another. 


TEE  BABE  HETORMEBS  OF  DOWTIQIG 
STREET. 

Tt  has  been  stated^  en  in^onty^  that  Uuus- 
tera  mean  to  bring  fomrd  this  scaiion  a  sdumB 
of  tbeir  own  for  toe  re  adjii&tmeDl  of  the  parlia- 
mentary represeGtatioQ;  as,  by  the  tiiue  Ihmo 
woidi  come  fairly  before  th«  nnivene,  will 
probiblf  hare  been  signified  hi  the  ipeeeb  from 
the  Throne.  We  hope  Lobd  Jomt  Rcss£ll 
and  his  coUeagnea  will  do  ootbiaf  msb  in  the 
attempt  to  improre  our  slorious  ConsiltutioD. 
But  we  fear  thai  iheir  rocainre  of  reform  wili  be 
too  sweeping.  For  in«taDce»  we  are  aFraid  tbat 
they  wUl  tt  tbe  pecunUrr  qnidiiication  to  Tote^ 
at  too  low  a  ^gme^  and  depart  too  widely  from 
the  good  old  principle  of  making  moLcy  the 
criterion  of  sbiliiy  to  eiercbe  the  francliL^e. 

Wc  are  apprcbeasiTC  that  they  will  give  an 
insuffident  preferciice  to  breecbea-oocketa  oTer 
hnim  b  determinbg  the  stanclara  of  eledire 
lights.  ^  Nay,  we  are  not  without  6itMd  that 
ihey  will  be  so  prectpitalc  and  reckless  ai  io 
allow  every  respectable  man  a  vote  provided  he 
is  a  taipajer,  and  can  write  his  name,  and  re^d 
a  coluitn  of  Fuiu^,  We  think  it  loo  probabip, 
alsov  that  they  will  be  [for  apprOAfhing  more 
Dearly  than  they  ough^  to  an  equalisation  of 
clectoia]  district?,  and  grimting  consULuencifs 
of  enul  popuUlioDs,  representatives  in  usduly 
small  disproportion.  We  are  furTher  alsitnea 
lest  thpy  should  concfde  ihe  bs-Uot,  or  derlM 
some  other  inconTcniently  s'ringent  securitf 
against  bribery,  oorruptioD,  and  intimidation. 
In  short  we  tremble  with  the  expectation  that 
they  will  go  too  fast  and  too  far,  and  confer 
more  polirical  power  on  Hee  MaJI^ti's  subjecta 
at  large  than  the  bulk  of  ihe  people  wish  to  bo 
entrusted  wiLb. 


IF  lOIJ'RE  AN  EDITOR,  BEHAYE  A3 
SUCH. 

As  Locia  NAPOLCotr  has  turned  Editor  of  a 
weekly  newopapcr,  we  hope  he  will  be  a  little 
more  charitable  towards  his  comrades  of  the 
pre89j  otherwise  tbe  public  prosecution  of  a 
joamal  will  look  ver?  much  like  an  act  of  prira's 
opposttion.  sind  a  heavy  fine  imposed  on  an 
Kaitor  will  appear  as  if  it  were  an  attempt  To 
crush  a  rival  journalist.  For  bstance,  this  spirit 
of  compeliiion  Tnigbt  be  carried  to  such  an 
extent^  that  every  1  reach  paper  in  Paris  might  be 
suppressed,  every  Editor  imprisoned*  m  or^er  to 
force  an  enormous  aide  for  Ls  KapaUoi^. 

The  Republic  of  Francs  is  quite  noisy  enongb 
without  Louis  Kapoleopt  wishbg  to  be  Preii- 
dent,  E-lso,  of  the  Uepublic  of  LeUcrs,  He  wi'I 
soon  find  that  P&massus  is  a  much  more  di^cuH 
Montage  to  get  over,  cveOj  thau  the  one  in  the 
Assembly.  At  all  events,  if  ha  is  detenBin&d 
to  play  at  editing,  let  biia  plsy  it  in  a  generou*, 
brotherly  spirit,  and  not  turn  it  into  a  game 
of  "  Pfi*oner'B-Base,"  for  every  Editor  who 
hsnpccis  to  be  on  the  opposite  side  to  him. 

Wc  stroiigly  suspect  that  this  new  mania  of 
eJitit:g  a  newspaper,  &nd,  callbjg  it  Napothn^  is 
only  indulged  in  hy  the  President  in  order  to 
prove  to  the  oation  tbat  he  Is  literally  the  ijfp*  of 
Lis  Uncle !     

The  Unbluahing  Trencli. 

HoRAOS  ViKNiT  ii  really  at  Rome,  cammis- 
sioDed  to  pvut  tubjeets— to  be  enshrined  at 
Ver^flUles— commemoraive  of  the  late  feats  of 
Ihe  Fr<nch  army  in  the  Etemil  City.  Tbeimnu- 
dence  of  this  is  astounding.  It  is  as  tboagn  a 
housebreaker^  proud  of  his  oi&cnpatioQ,  sbontd 
order  biniBclf  to  be  painted— the  picture  to  be* 
come  an  heirloora — with  all  hia  implements  of 
trade  about  him.  The  crowbar,  the  falM  keys, 
the  mask,  cnpe  and  Ihe  dark  lanthornl 


PUNCH,  OR  TIffi  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


51 


NOOKS   AND    CORNERS    OF    CHARACTER.-THE    CHARWOMAN, 

F  there  u  one  pereoo  mora  Uuui  another  whoM 
life  is  regolarly  puted  in  Nooks  and  Conaers,  it 
ii  the  CDanromaa'a  !  Her  bud,  it  may  be  said, 
rues  in  a  cobweb,  and  sets  in  a  cupboard. 

She  knows  more  of  a  house  than  the  miatresi 
herself.  Its  most  inmost  recesses  are  kid  bare 
to  her.  Not  a  floor  but  what  has  disclosed  its 
lecrets— Dot  a  boudoir,  not  a  consult iog-room,  not 
a  family  sanctuary,  however  private,  but  has  made 
a  clean  breast  to  her,  and  felt  sll  the  better 
afterwards  for  the  confession.  This  confidence, 
however,  is  never  very  well  repaid,  for  it  is  seldom 
that  the  Charwoman  gets  more  than  I«.  6f/.  a  day, 
with  her  beer,  tea.  and  Bugar ;  or  at  the  best 
2*.  a  day,  and  "  to  find  herself."  ■ 

This  Ignominious  expression,  *'  to  find  herself," 
is,  however,  rather  applicable  to  the  CbarwomaOt 
for  it  is  always  a  dimculty,  when  she  is  wanted, 
to  know  where  to  find  her.  Wa&herwomea, 
monthly-nurses,  and  hulies  who  do  a  little  man- 
gling, all  have  cards,  bat  we  never  aav  a  piece  of 
pasteboard  yet  that  had  the  face  to  own  to  the 
profession  of  *'  a  Charwoman."  No  brass  plate, 
or  painted  board  either,  displaying  that*  honour- 
able title,  flanked  by  a  pleasing  request  to  "ring 
the  top  bell."  flashes  upon  our  recollection. 

Be  it  moaesty,  or  a  horror  of  the  income-tax, 
or  a  healthy  mixture  of  the  two,  we  c&onot  tell, 
but  there  is  decidedly  a  great  difficulty  in  find- 
ing out  the  abode  of  the  Charwoman.  Like  Echo, 
she  is  to  be  "  beard  of"  in  the  circle  of  a  Urge 
neighbourhood,  but  no  one  can  tell  the  precise 
sjKit  where  she  dwells.  The  only  chance  is  by 
enquirv  of  the  milkwoman,  or  the  butcher,  or  the  baker,  who  enquires  of  his  man.  who  says  he'll  ask  hia  "good  'ooman,"  who  he  thinks  knows  a  neigh- 
bour that  can  let  Mus.  Grimks  know  that  "she  is  wanted."— and  it  is  only  by  this  bunt-the-slipper  fashion  that  Mbs.  GaiKES  eventually  turns  up. 

But  wbenMBs.  Ghimks  has  once  promised  to  come^  she  is  sure  to  come.    We  never  knew  a  Charwoman  yet  break  her  appointment,  f 
Nothing  but  her  own  death,  we  thick,  would  ujake  her  do  it.    She  rings  the  bell  before  the  "milk."  even  before  the  "swccns." 

Her  social  position  is  not  to  be  envied  much,  ^he  is  the  lowest  grade  of  domestic — even  lower  than  the  maid  of  all  work,  to  whom  ahe 
officiates  as  a  sort  of  maid  of  all  work  herself.  Mistresses  have  but  little  love  for  her.  fur  she  is  never  called  in  but  at  the  last  extremity,  and  the 
house  is  never  comfortable  tiil  she  is  out  of  it.  Her  reverses  in  the  course  of  the  day  are  endless,  but  she  must  bear  every  litile  turn  of 
fortune  wi  h  cool  eo'ianimity,  even  if  it  be  the  fate  of  her  pail  to  be  violently  kicked  down  st^iira  by  coming  in  contact  with  master's  indignant  boot. 
How  "  master  ^'  does  hate  her,  to  be  sure !  With  the  mistress  it  is  simply  an  antipathy,  only  a  genreel  aversion ;  but  if  she  were  a  bailiff,  or 
a  mad  bull,  or  a  6re  in  the  house,  there  could  not  be  a  stronger  desire  on  the  part  of  master  "  to  have  her  instantly  put  out.  He  knows  there 
is  no  comfort,  no  luncheon,  no  dinner,  no  answering  (he  bell,  as  long  as  the  Charwoman  is  pattering,  steaming,  scrubbing,  slopping  about,  from 
one  room  into  another.  He  hates  the  clatter  of  her  pattens — for  Charwomen  are  still  shod  with  these  detestable  iron  shoes — and  woo  to  them 
if  he  finds  them  lying  about  the  hall !     Tbe  chances  are  that  they  part,  never  to  meet  again. 

She  slaves,  and  yet  never  gives  satisfaction.  She  is  expected  to  do  the  work  of  six  days  in  one.  Let  her  come  with  daybreak,  and 
leave  close  upon  the  stroke  of  midnight,  she  can  never  do  all  the  work  that  is  required  of  her.  She  pleases  no  one.  £ven  the  servants  take  a 
pleasure  in  finding  fhult  with  her.  bbe  is  disowned  by  the  very  person  who  has  engaged  her.  No  lady  talks  of  "  her  Charwoman,"  any  mora 
tlian  a  gentleman  breathes  a  word  about  "bis  pawnbroker."  The  nearest  admisf  ion  that  is  ever  made  to  the  fact  of  her  existence  is  that  "Mas. 
GkImks  has  come  to  assist."  And  yet  her  characteristics  are  so  patent  that  none  butaCountesv.wbobad  been  confined  all  her  lifeinadrawing-room« 
could  possibly  be  deceived  as  to  her  appearance.  The  dirty  mob-cap,— the  battered  bonnet,  generally  black,  that  perches  on  the  top  of  it,— the 
soiled  ribbons  that,  sun  or  rain,  are  never  tied, — the  tucked-up  gown,  and  bare  arms,  that  are  of  an  unpleasant  redness  all  the  way  up  to  the 


I 


iloeve.— are  so  many  witnesses  making  oath  to  her  identity. 
The  Charwoman^  it  mast  be  oonussed,  is  of 


,  a  most  forgiving  disposition.    Loaded,  as  she  is,  with  the  insults  of  the  entire  house,  sh&.is 

too  willing  to  help  any  one.  She  fetches  the  beer, — la}s  tbe  cloth — washes  the  p!a'«— toas*9  the  mufEns,  &c ,  and  waits  at  table  until  the 
servants  have  their  dluDer  or  te«,  before  she  touches  ascrap  herself.  She  addresses  Jeamks,  and  the  clerical -looking  Butler,  as  "  Sir ;  "  and 
Cook,  and  my  Ladv's-maid,  are  always  spoken  to  as  '*  Ma'am."  And  jet,  strange  to  say,  the  Charwoman  is,  in  ten  cases  out  of  a  dozen,  a  decayed 
servant  herself.  She  bus  genersUy  saved  a  little  money — married  a  speculative  Jouhnt— soon  lost  all  in  the  "green  line,"  and  become  "iba 
drab  of  a  thing"  that  she  m  her  proud  prosperity  snarled  at  and  snubbed.    {Moral  {andt) :  "Be  kind  to  jour  inferiors.") 

There  are  many  more  strange  Nooks  and  Corners  to  be  found  in  tbe  character  of  the  Charwoman,  but  we  have  not  time  to  explore  them  just 
sow,  much  less  ppace  to  record  the  result  of  our  discoveries.  We  must  throw  dowu,  therefore,  without  comment,  the  following  fugitive 
facta,  which  we  cannot  help  catching  as  I  hey  hiiiK  in  our  ears,  and  fly  in  our  faces,  wiih  all  the  impudence  of  London  blue-bottles. 

The  Charwoman  averages  from  40  to  60.  She  has  a  remarkably  good  appetite,  and  can  cat  anyihicg.  She  wears  large  pockets,  which 
keep  gradually  swelling  towards  night-time,  and  has  a  penchant  for  snuff,  which  she  carries  in  a  screw  of  brown  paper.  Report  declares 
that  sue  smokes,  but  as  this  habit  is  never  allowed  to  interfere  with  her  avocations,  we  have  no  right  to  enquire  into  the  rumour. 

She  has  a  large  family,  but  Ihry  are  rigidly  forbidden  tbe  house  she  is  "  charing  "  at.  The  same  law  is  enforced  against  her  husband,  but 
quite  unuecessariTv,  as  he  has  too  much  sense  to  ^how  himself.  It  is  supposed  he  has  some  post  in  a  public  Filiar,  or  Monument,  or  Light- 
house, or  in  the  i'olice,  for  he  is  never  seen  from  one  year's  end  to  another. 

Ibere  are  many  speculations  as  to  the  honesty  of  the  Charwoman,  but  slie  is  poor,  and  therefore  we  must  not  wonder  at  her  being  sus* 
peoted.  The  "Ladies"  down  stairs,  however,  always  lock  up  their  lea-caddics,  Jeam£3  counts  his  spoonp,  Cook  hides  her  kilchen-sluff, 
axul  MissTU  makes  a  general  clearance,  whenever  Mas.  Gfimcb  comes  to  stop  for  a  day.  Whatever  is  missing,  the  Charwoman  is  sure  to  be 
the  thief.  Ev.^rythiug  that  is  broken  is  without  fail:  he  handiwork  of  her  fingers.  The  Charwoman  is  invariably  the  Cat  for  the  week  after  her  viMt. 

And  for  all  her  irisJs,  labours,  snubbings,  and  accusalionr,  ibe  has  nut  one  compensation,  and  that  is  a  diah  of  tea.  The  Saucer  is  the 
Lethe  in  which  she  drowns  all  the  cares  of  tbe  day.  Buttered  loaat.  and  tea!  GivA  her  plenty  of  butter,  plenty  of  thick  toast,  and  ponds 
of  strong  tea,  and  she  is  happier  than  any  bride  at  a  wedding  feast.  As  she  lifts  the  brimming  saucer,  time  after  time,  to  her  thirsty  lips,  she 
pours  out  the  experiences  of  her  proftssion.  A  fresh  family  is  cut  up  with  each  new  slice  of  toast— the  scandal  of  the  whole  reighbourho>od  is 
•tirred  up,  thouah  not  much  sweetened,  and  handed  round,  for  the  tastes  of  her  kitchen  audience.  For  if  there  is  an  Imiuisitor  in  aa 
Englishwoman's  home  it  ia  the  Charwsman,  for  she  has  tbe  enlre'i  of  every  house,  and,  as  you  sit  in  the  parlour,  there  she  is  accumutating 
evidence  against  you  under  jour  very  feet.  Ladies,  both  in  the  parlour  and  the  pantry,  should  beware  of  this  secret  tribunal,  which  runs  itam. 
parish  to  narisli.  and  speaks  of  them,  according  as  they  behave  to  that  universal  outcast,  that  out-doot  druA^'t^  ^SaiS-  '"  ^siktS^  v«».^v^a»te 
machine,"  that  nardcst- worked  servant  of  servants,  the  Charwoman. 


VOL.   XViil. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


BowTEB  SmncH,  and  Ma.  Baoox,  cursed  free-trade  and  Peel;  the 
tast  awfarinff  in  chonu  with  'en),  and  Ms.  Fbanklih,  a  parson,  aa 
good  aa  saym*  Amni !  This  vas  roarinrwon hj of  the  Mountain.  {Hear.) 
Let  them  flare  up,  then,  and  jine  the  Protectionists.  Protection  now. 
and  the  Demoeratie  ud  Social  EepnbLic  for  ever !  He  would  call 
spoa  tbfl»  to  reM^ve— 

"  That  A0  belt  ooone  u  ous  be  adopML  hf  the  CommmUtta  and  SocUIiits  fbr  tha 
m  or  their  ulterior  ol^Jecti,  ii  that  of  fratemlaiiis  ftir  the  preitat  with  the 


The  reaolution  having  been  seconded  by  Mb.  Bbtetov  BnuM;  and 
carried  by  fTlaimatvin, 

I'hree  cheera  ««•  giva  far  IiQUi  Stavxxt  and  M.  JjomB  Buvc ; 
for  M.  PBoxjDaav  and  tlM  Diru  or  Kichicokd:  for  Kjl  PuKasLi 
and  Ledrt;  Boudt;  for  Sek  J.  Tthsll  and  K  RMKaflk;  and  for 
Sebjeant  fioicaoK  uid  Colohel  Sothobp. 

Alter  which,  tkanka  having  been  Toted  to  the  ChainsMB,  Ifca  Meeting 
separated,  and  we  came  a««r-^vitho«t  our  handkercfaial 


«A  7ICTIM  TO  LET/' 

0«m  wmgUmIki,  geed-ealaicd  frind,  vx&  a  km9  aigoaiare, 
wfaotathe  ffmmU  atmaed  peer  JhtneK  aiKphr.  we  take  it»bMBuae  it 
vaa  aeft  ia  the  dull  Bua*a  braia.  to  understana  tniih  when  ed|ad  with 
■arifi  BTMt  thvafoie  iaaoatiattHy  cai  hia  tsgera  wkk  it--our 
frind  has  gone  bayoad  hia  liberal  promia^  and  ae&t  hia  eecoad  S5  to 
HovuTX;  the  diamiased  postmaa.  tmm.  ftaough  no  haterfeaniff  aun  of 
£K  haa  been  aabacribed.  Howutt,  however,  ia  the  riehar  naa  by 
iSO,  for  hia  banefartoii'a  aoiibterpretatioa  of  FwmeJk,  who  atog  dalaeaa 
iafee  liberality  Ptmek  complains  not.  He  ia  wilting  to  be  miannder- 
itoo<  when  the  error  bears  sucli  golden  fruit  to  the  deatitute.  Never- 
theleu,  Jhm$k  marvels  at  the  meaning  of  Howlbtt's  beaeCictor,  when 
heaaya — 

"  The  phil060pber  Punch  shows  how  relentless  are  Mb  orders  ^om  head^^varUr$,  hy 
bUU  tnamtaiuing,  a; 
missed.'" 


against   the  plainest  eridenoo,  that  Uowunr  vas  'rightly  dio- 


THE  REAL  STAFF  OF  LIFE. 


mPOETANT  MEETING  OF  THE  COMMUNISTS. 

yuTBBSAT  a  nnmerously  attended  meeting  of  gentlemen  holding 
the  doctrines  of  Socialism  and  Communism  took  place  at  the  Fox-wmdw- 
Ut-Botc.  Among  the  oompan]r  we  observed  9onie  of  the  moat  notorious 
rogues  in  the  metropolis.  Owing  to  the  admirable  arrangements  of  the 
police^  there  occurred  no  interruption  of  the  proceedings. 

The  chair  was  taken  by  a  Mn.  Moodt,  a  personage  with  a  hideons  i 
cnrcasion  of  couutenuice,  and  a  great,  beard.  I 

The  Chairman  briefly  stated  that  the  ohjeot  of  the  meeting  was  to 
oQoaider  wbat  otiurso  to  take  with  rpgard  to  the  Protectionist  agita'ion 
excited  among  the  agriculturists  by  the  aristocracy.  He  believed  t  here 
was  a  good  time  coming,  and  they  'd  ave  to  wait  but  a  very  little 
longer. 

Mb.  MoBBiVfl  hated  the  aristocracy  with  all  his  heart  and  soui 
{Hear.)  But  he  would  hold  a  candle  to  a  duke — or  to  a  wuss  than 
a  duke—to  light  him  to  play  his  (Mb.  Mf'BBiNs's)  game.  The  cry  of 
Protection  to  Agriculture  was  askin'  of  Parliament  to  raise  rents  by 
checkin'  competition.  There  was  no  difference  between  that  and  askin' 
Parliament  to  raise  wages  by  the  same  means.  {Hear.)  Except  this.! 
The  rent  was  to  be  screwed  out  of  the  poor  man's  loaf,  for  ttie  idle;  i 
whereas  the  wafces  was  to  be  took  out  of  the  rich  man's  income  for  the 
industrious.  What  was  Socialism  but  Protection  for  everybody !  The 
baae  aristocracy  was  puilin'  in  the  same  boat  with  theirselvea.  He 
would  say,  "  Pull  away,  my  harpies !  "  {Laughter.)  He  was  for  puUin' 
along  witn  them  so  long  as  they  was  a  steeriu'  the  same  course.  {Hear) 
When  done  with,  he  'd  fling  'em  overboard.  {Tremendotu  Cheering.)  He 
wonhlmove —  | 

That  Protection  to  Agrictilturo  beIngal(»(H!>latlvo  interferrace  vtth  Competltlnn,  lt« 
'-'-  la,  in  the  oj^ion  of  this  here  meeting,  tildenUcal  with  that  of  C<nanuniam  and 


The  resolution  was  seconded  by  Mb.  Wxldgoosi,  and  carried 

«0M.   COM. 

Mb.  Fibedbakb  would  elapse  the  Protectionist  aristocrats  in  is  open 
harms.  [Oi,  ok  !).  The  Proteoiioniita  were  tumingjiot  onl?  Communists 
and  Sodaliats,  but  rrgular  jolly  Red  Kepubiicans.  What  diii  Mb.  Chekt- 
HAK  say  the  other  day  at  the  West  Norfolk  Meeting  P  "  It  he  were  in  i 
Pbbl's  position  he  should  be  afraid  ot  the  poniard  and  dagger,  and  so 
he  bad  a  right  to."  {Prokmged  ckeeriitg,)  He  (Mb.  Fibbdbakb)  was  glad 
to  hear  respectable  farnters  begin  to  talk  about  poniards  and  daggers. 
CuTTT,  his  self,  never  beat  that.    Then,  at  the  same  meeting,  Mb.  \ 


Again:— 

"  KeitlKF  vUl  the  poblle  aeeevt  (at  least  aa  a  reason  wbj  t1ie7  abonld  anietly  labmlt 
to  Ou  demolition  of  their  Sabbath)  of  Punek's  t«stlnionlal— {/«  the  Sabbath  so  broken  to 
bits  t»y  Lord  Johh  f]— howerer  tme  it  may  be— that '  Loao  JoHir  Bdmkl  is  a  man  of 
eanwat  and  nnallMted  nligion.'  Far  be  U  from  hu  to  say  that  neh  itmtth«  aua  ;  bat 
It  la  impoasible  not  to  aee  vlut  theae  words  mean  in  Ptittck's  use  of  them." 

Firstljr,  JpMuai  confesses  thai  it  is  always  his  desire,  moreover, 
always  his  practiee,  to  write  from  "head-quarters :"  namelyi  from  all 
the  quarters  of  hia  own  head. 

Secondly.  If,  as  our  dull  friend  confesses  at  the  last,  '*  it  i^  impoesible 
not  to  see  **  what  Pwiek  means— if  this  be  really  true  in  the  particukr 
case  of  our  obtuse  reviler, — we  conaratulaie  him  on  his  amended 
inteliigence.  It  is  quite  wor+h  the  £50  he  has  given  to  Howubtt, 
who,  we  trust,  will  make  the  beat  and  meat  profliable  uses  of  the 
benefaction. 


"SPEAKING  DAGGERS." 

Onb  Mb.  Chbethau,  a  Protectionist  (not  a  bad  name  for  a  aaull 

com  party)  at  the  Oakhiim  Meetmg,  said : 

"  He  conid  not  holp  thinking  that  phantoms  of  mined  fhrmera  would  haunt  tha 
sleeping  pillnw  of  Sir  R.  Pkkl.  Knowing  how  much  be  wm  execrated,  he  abonld  think 
lie  inaHt  more  about  in  fear  and  drrad.  Even  if  Sib  R.  Pekl  should  have  a  majority 
again,  he  dared  not  take  ofiice.  He  (Mb.  Cueethah)  knew  that  if  he  was  in  SiB  R. 
Pebl,'s  position,  be  should  be  afraid  of  the  poniard  and  the  dagger,  attd  so  he  had  a 
riyht." 

Since  the  awful,  but  no  less  popular  appearance,  of  "  Giles  Seroggins* 
Ghost  " — sung  at  all  the  playhouses— we  can  conceive  nothing,  in  even 
an  agricultural  sense,  more  harrowing  than  the  "phantoms  of  ruined 
farmers,"  all  with  shadowy  pitchforks,  and  moonshine  flails,  threatening 
the  "sleeping  pillow"  (why  are  not  pillows  wide-awakr?)  of  Sra 
Rr)BEBT  Pkil.  Bone  into  a  couiic  song,  Giles  Scboggiks  would  be 
laid  for  ever. 

But  one  word  with  Mk.  Chebtham.  A  person  who  talks  of  poniarda 
and  daggers,  expressing  his  ready  beli  f  that  a  man  "  has  a  right  to 
fear  them,  may— by  the  unreflecting— be  thought  to  be  the  very  sort  of 
person  who  would  not  hesitate  to  use  them.  Let  Mb.  CubethaM,  in 
the  matter  of  speculative  assassination,  hold  his  tongue,  if  he  would  hold 
hia  character. 

A  GB0S8  ncposinoF. 

Mb.  Dis&abij,  in  his  Speech  on  the  Address,  dedared  that  "What 
the  land  now  wants  ia  simple  justice."  We  are  no  agriculturista.  but 
we  should  say  that  the  land  was  in  want  of  something  besides  justice 
iust  now— we  mean  better  eul  ivatioa.  If  this  were  carried  out  to  a 
large  extend  the  land  would  not  have  zeaflon  to  complain*  even  though 
it  Bbouhi  be  a  good  deal  put  upon* 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAIU. 


53 


MR.  FERRAND  MISINTERPRETED. 

At  &  late  Protrclion,  and  very  Free  Speech  Meeting,  Mb. 
Fekhanu  deTetaped  }eamiiif:B  that  muRt  liave  touched  tb« 
tympatliiea  of  Mil.  Calciuft  of  the  Old  Bailey,  provided  that 
functionarr  ever  amune^  liia  griti  leisure  with  anything  so 
■olemu  as  Mjl  FcBft^KD's  orations,  Mbl  Ferramd,  aMiiming 
Uia^  some  day— the  date  not  named— oorn  and  corton  would 
Dorao  to  a  fight,  and  that  Ck>BDEi»— (cotton  beinK  down)— 
would  become  prisoner  to  com,  declared  it  to  be  his  intention 
— rcady-nmde  and  honip-madc— to  hang  Cobden  to  the  nest 
tree,  compelling  JouN  Bright— on  pain  of  hanging  too, ''  like 
twin  cherries  on  one  stalk"— to  do  dutv  as  executioner. 
A  few  days  after,  a  Ma.  Wortlky,  at  Unilsliam,  an  orator  of 
the  like  fire  with  Ferrand^a  companion  lucifer  from  the 
bundle — prayed  for  Cobdsx  that  he — 

*<  Urlnff,  mmf  forfolt  Mr 


And,  duably  ■Ij'InKt  ™*7  tP*  4o«a 

Ta  tbd  vll*  Mrtti  from  vrbancw  Im  nmRg, 

Unwept,  nnhoaouTMi,  uid  niuuac. 

Mil.  FkukjlND,  reading  the  abore,  imniediat-ely  di»patclied 
A  li"le  note — fuU  of  amenity— to  th«  epttker;  a  note  ruanixtg 
u  follow! : — 

"My  dear  Sir.— T  hare  read  your  speech  at  Hailsbam  with 
great  delijeht.  Permit  me,  however,  to  snggeat  when  you 
repeal  ir — and  Protection,  I  fear,  has  but  one  atring  to  i'a 
fiddle — tha*.  you  improve  the  last  line  of  ^he  quotation  to  adapt 
U  the  belter  to  the  spirit  of  our  cause.    Let  it  run  thus : — 

"Believe  me,  my  dear  Sir,  with  senlimeatA  of  admiration 
arising  from  kindred  feelings, 

"  lours,  faithfullv  ever, 
"  Mr.  Vortlr^r  **  B.  tlR»a»D." 


THE  BALLAD  OF  ELIZA  DAVIS. 

ALLIANT  gents  and  lovely  ladies. 
List  a  tail  vich  late  befel, 
Yich  I  heard  it,  brin  on  duty, 
At  th«  Fleaee  Hoffice,  Clerkenwell. 

praps  you  know  the  Fondling  Chapel, 
Vere  the  little  children  sings ; 

(Lor !  1  likes  to  hear  on  Sunoiea 
Them  there  pooty  little  thingt !) 

In  this  street  there  lived  a  housemaid, 
If  you  particklarly  ask  me  where— 

Vy,  i*  vas  at  four-and-tventy. 

Guilford  Street  byBronsvickSqaatv. 

Vich  ber  name  was  Eliza  Davis, 
And  she  went  to  fetch  the  beer : 

In  the  street  she  met  a  party 
Aa  was  quite  surprized  to  see  her. 

Yich  be  vaa  a  British  Sailor. 

For  to  judge  hint  by  his  look : 
Tarry  jacket,  oanvosa  trowsiM. 

Ua-h  Mb.  T.  P.  Cooke. 

PtesenUy  this  Mann  accostes 
Of  this  hinnnccnt  yoiuig  gal — 

Pra^,  f  ay&ee,  Excuse  my  freedom, 
lou  *re  so  like  my  Sister  Sajl  ! 

Yon  're  so  like  my  Sister  Sally, 
Both  in  valk  and  face  and  si/.e; 

Miss,  t  iiat— dang  my  old  lee  scuppcn, 
It  brings  tears  into  my  heyes  t 

I  *m  a  mate  on  board  a  wesse]« 
I  'm  a  sailor  bold  and  trae  ; 

Shiver  up  my  poor  old  timbers, 
Let  me  be  a  mate  for  you ! 

What 's  your  name,  my  beauti^t^ll  mc  ? 

And  she  faintly  liansrrs,  "  Lore, 
Sir,  my  name's  tuxA  Divis, 

Anci  I  Uve  at  tveuiy-four." 

Hoft times  came  this  Britioh  sesiuan. 
This  deluded  izal  to  meet : 

And  at  tventyfour  was  welcome, 
Tventy-four  ia  Guilford  Street. 

And  EUZA  told  her  Master, 
(Kinder  they  than  Missuses  are). 

How  in  marridge  he  had  a«t  her. 
Like  a  galliant  Briuish  Tar. 

And  he  brougiit.  his  landlady  vith  him, 
(Vich  vas  all  hi*  hariful  pl»n). 

And  she  told  how  Cbarusy  rHOursoN 
R-ely  vas  a  good  young  man. 

And  how  she  beneif  had  lived  in 
Many  years  of  union  sweet, 

Vith  a  fcent  she  met  promiakous, 
Valkw  in  the  public  street. 

And  £li7.a  listened  to  them. 
And  sUcthoiigh'rhatsooDtheir  bands 

Vould  be  published  at  the  Foudlin, 
Hand  the  clergyman  jine  their  ands. 


And  he  ast  about  the  lodgers, 
(Vich  her  master  let  tome  rooms), 

Likevise  vere  they  keptheir  things,  and 
Vere  her  master  kep  his  spoons. 

Hand  this  vicked  Chaklet  THOVTfoy 
Came  on  Sundjf  vfk  10  see  her. 

And  he  sent  Eliza  Davis 
Hout  to  fetch  a  pint  of  beer. 

Haod  while  pore  Eliza  vent  to 
Fetch  the  Deer,  dewoid  of  sin. 

This  rtrocious  Chaiu.bt  TiioHraoir 
Let  his  wile  accomplish  hin. 

To  the  lodgers,  their  apartments. 
This  abandingd  feoruklr  goes, 

Prigs  their  sliirts  and  amberellas: 
Prigs  their  boots,and  hat6,aad  clothes. 

VilethescoundrleCiiARLEYTaoicpaoifi 
Lest  his  wicfim  should  escape, 

Hocust  her  vith  rum  and  vater, 
Like  a  fiend  in  huniing  thape.   : 

But  a  bi  was  fix^  upon  Vm 
Vich  these  nskles  little  sore  : 

Namely,  Mb.  Hide  the  landlord, 
Of  the  bouse  at  tveaty-four. 

He  vas  valkin  in  his  garden. 

Just  afore  he  vent  to  sup; 
And  on  looking  up  he  aor  tba 

Lodger's  viudera  l)ght«d  hup. 

Hup  the  sfurs  the  landlord  tumbled  ; 

Soniettiing's  gomK  wrong,  he  said; 
And  he  CAugbt  the  vickrd  vonian 

Underueatu  the  lodger^ s  bed. 

And  he  called  a  brother  Pleaseman, 
A'ich  vas  passing  on  lii^  beat; 

Like  a  true  and  gallif-ini  feller. 
Hup  and  down  ia  Guilford  Str«et. 

And  that  Pleaseman  able-bodied 
Took  tills  voman  10  the  o-ll ; 

To  the  cell  vere  she  was  quodded, 
In  the  Close  of  Cletkenwell. 

AndihonghTickedCnAiiMTTHOMfSOir 
Boulten  like  a  mi«cr&at  base, 

Presentlv  another  Pln-aseman 
Took  him  to  the  self-same  place. 

And  thii  precious  pair  of  rasklea 
Tuesday  last  came  up  for  doom ; 

By  the  b^ok  they  was  cnmndtted, 
Vich  his  name  vraa  Mil.  CoxfiE. 

Han  for  poor  Eliza  Davis, 
Simple  gurl  of  Ivenly-four, 

Sh^t  1  ope,  vill  never  listen 
In  the  sUeeti  to  sailora  xooar. 

But  if  she  must  avr  a  sweet-art, 
(A^ch  most  every  gnrl  expei.) 

Let  her  take  a  jolly  plrasomaai 
Vich  ia  name  peraps  is  X. 


Olut  of  OAciaU  In  Tranee. 

Such  i^  the  compeiilioa  for  employment  in  the  financial  department 
of  France,  ibat  the  autborities  declare  their  iuahility  to  read  the  appli- 
cations,  mucb  less  to  answer  the  applicants.  French  finanoe  has  got 
into  such  a  atat«  tba^  it  would  seem  to  have  been  nobodi's  busintts, 
and  as  nobid^'s  business  is  evcr> body's  business,  everybody  is  now 
offering  to  look  after  it.  We  ah  uld  lay  that,  as  far  a^  capacity  goes, 
the  whole  of  the  public  would  he  about  upon  an  equality,  for  every  one 
asems  cquallr  mcavahle  of  fmdinir  a  remedy  for  the  financial  difhcuUiet 
of  the  republic.  In  a  case  thMt  really  looks  like  one  m  wtiicb  no'hiny 
can  bv  d<AP,  those  wito  are  competent  to  the  doing  of  cotlitiig  nalura'ly 
feel  themselves  as  well  adapted  as  the  rest  of  the  cooimunity  for  giving 
their  serrioes. 


The  Bank  Ooflbn! 

We  have  heard  so  mucb,  and  we  hear  so   frequent  Ir,  al>out   tjid 

Coffers  of  ihe  Bank,  Ihnt  our  cnrioiily  is  rising  to  a  tremendous  pi'oh 

about  these  mysterious  JirticJes.     How  muoh  will  a  Coffer  hold  ?    How 

many  Coffers  liave  they  got-  at  the  Bank,  and  if  all  tbe  Coffers  Rhonid 

happen  tx)  be  *'cliuek"  full,  where  do  they  chuck  the  surplus  bullion? 

I      Our  early  and  infantine  idea  of  a  Coffer  was,  that  it  is  an  affair  soma* 

I  thing  like  a  coal  scuttle,  and  that  there  is  always  one  &taQ>iing  full  of 

bullion  undrr   the  aide-iioard  in  that  most  wonderful  apartmenl,  ttie 

I  Krtnk  parlour.     We  shall  bo  bappr  to  accept  an  invitation  from  tba 

'  Governor  of  the  Bank,  to  go  over  tnat  esiablnhmcnt,  any  day  when  be 

1  happens  to  have  nothing  to  do,  and  when  iheOiStw^^v^aix-s'si^iajfa!***- 

I  and  Band-yeyQatcd  sv.^  Vi\  M^i*  «a«c«Bsm,'art:i'*Wi''S*fc*^^^^'=*^^^ 


SIGNS  OF  THE  TIMES. 


I 


TW  OhgM  Jrmni  Stmt** 


FiectMfft  to  ih«  Emperor 

I6UTT  CuJt, 

*'  Fsox  niT 

public  «iul  ei- 
flvated  posi- 
ticHi  I  we  and 
bear  &  tbin;; 
or  two  IhaL  'a 
godafr  OB,  — 
and  I  do  as- 
8tm  voUi  tre- 
uenaooB  Au- 
tocrat, ttiat, 
witatfTer  tb&t 
CoBDEJf  may 
Bay  to  the 
contrary,  you 
are  very  bigh- 
ty  spoken  of 
by  many  pfo- 
plp — specially 
folks  of  »ub- 
Blancf,  V  ith 
money  tbey 
don't  know  well  how  to  lay  out  at  decent  interest — and  your  loan 
praised  and  taken  acoonlinffly. 

*"rwo  or  throe  merchants  (wilh  oranges  and  hnndred-hhuled  pen- 
lutves)  who  trade  under  me  at  the  short  stagra  and  'busses,  are  per- 
tioiilarty  disrated  with  that  Cotton  (Josden,  whose  ucadonied  elo- 
qnenoe  thought  to  re-button  thousands  of  pockets  that  were  open  and 
gaping,  and  ready  to  pour  forth  their  blood  in  the  cause  of  fire  par 
oent,,  and  for  the  glory  of  your  Cearship.  The  ohanoes  were— thought 
CoHDEN— that  a  luaipin;?  lot  of  the  loan  would  be  left  on  the  bands 
ot  the  contractors;  for  be  hoped  to  demolish  tbo  reputation  of  my 
Nicholas,  He  dared  to  insinuate  tb&t  even  an  Emperor  mizht  be 
insolvent  or  unprincipled ;  that  even  the  niagniBccnt  two-headed  eagle 
— witbf  of  course,  two  aiomacba  to  match— mi^ht  be  little  better  than 
a  fclomoua  magpie.  He  iosiauated  the  probability — I  shudder  as  much 
aa  bear  can  shudder^  and  growl  again  with  indignation  at  the  thought— 
the  probability  that  the  glorious  Cur  might  be  very  liable  to  pick  a  guarrel 
with  Kn^land  for  the  purpoae  of  swindling  the  Kngliab  bonuliolder,  when 
he  promiaed  that  Woolwich  arsenal  should  aifora  no  aisiitance  m  the 
recovery  of  the  debt — no  cannon-balls  be  served  as  writs,  and  no 
execution  be  levied  in  the  shape  of  squa&lrons.  All  this  is  disgusting 
— mischievous.  But  these  calumnies  bave  not  vrorked  upon  the  virtuous, 
but  timid  people,  hungry  for  five  per  cent.,  who  need  not  now  continue 
to  satisfy  themselves  wirh  three,  or  at  l>est,  lbrce-and-«-baJf. 

"  Vain  is  the  craft  of  the  denmgogne !  Good,  excellent  men,  gY>od  in 
themselves,  and  doubtless  excellent  as  tmsteea,  anxious  to  obtain  the 
best  interest  for  t  heir  clients,  the  widowed  and  the  orphaned,  have  gone 
into  Uussiau  bonds:  tbey  have  trusted  their  gold  to  paper  ships,  and 
— and  their  confidence  is  very  becoming,  graceful  to  themaalvea,  and 
no  doubt  profitable  to  tiie  Emperor. 

"  Nevertbeltss  —  my  Nicholas  —  that  arch-agitator  Cobden  has 
dared  to  hint  the  probability  of  the  death  of  a  Caar  of  all  the  Rnasias  1 
As  if  nn  Emperor  was  ever  knovn  to  die, — especiiiUy  in  Bnaaia! 
Nevertheless,  the  atrocious  idea  has  entered  Cobdbk's  dark  mind,  and 
revelling  in  tbe  thought,  he  has  painted  to  a  timid,  money-loving 
people,  the  possibility  of  The  Emperor's  successor  repuaiatmg  the  loan 
contracted  6y  his  then  sainted  parent ! 

**1  quite  agree  withthelfflmvi'tw^— <nie  of  the  newsmen  jost  under 
me  read  the  passage  that— 

•• '  Tti^re  la  not  luJ f  the  duft'irneo  which  saMrfldal  obterwr*  mlfclit  ImB^iw  betire«n 
Um  g&og*  or  Hazzisi,  who  jtXXtA  tlivlr  ritwM  Jcit  %\  the  viodow  «bcre  Maoaxk  Row 


obinTed]dK.C08ET  to  MslCuumbs,  both  waitinir  for  a  Kensin^^ton  'bus 
— 'in  •  pnreAy  comnMroial  coauiry.  the  brcecbrs'  packet  has  r.o  morals. 
This  is  a  sentence  to  be  written  in  letters  of  diamonJ  over  the  architrave 
of  every  Exchange,  and  to  be  bow»d  U>— «a  tha  Peratan  bow*  to  bbe 
rising  sun — by  every  broker  and  ■■rthwit,  ai  Um*  OBoa  iatlM  OMniif;* 

"*What  matters  it  to  the  leader,  wko  nU  hta  intcnftl,*  svjoilid 
Cbuwbs  to  C08EY,  *  how  money  is  employed  ?  Consider  tea  hundred 
thousand  pounds,  as  an  army  of  a  hundred  thouBund  men — accoutred 
and  armed  to  munlcr,  bum^  and  pillj^c.  What  of  it  P  The  Knglish 
moralist  sleeps  comfortably  m  his  oed,  and  what  matters  to  liim  hov  his 
hundred  pounds  earn  their  yearly  interest  of  fiveP  Pfcuma  mon  oUL 
The  money  may  certainly  be  steeped  in  the  blood  of  PoUnd,  and  may 
pass  through  the  fires  of  Hungary,— ff^M,  I  demand,  what  of  it  ?  The 
five  per  cr nt.  is  paid,  and — no  riurstions  ought  to  be  asked,  %i  lcast»  Sir — 
but  here  'a  our  'bus — at  least  in  a  commercial  country.* 

"  [—the  Beai^-acree  in  the  opinions  of  Mr.  Bakabka.1,  that  the  loan 
is  perfectly  ■ofaLKcause  commercially  profitable.  *  As  for  abusing 
the  Brotiubs  Baanao.  why,  Sir.  it's  all  very  wrll/  snid  Hunks  to 
Closb,  waitiBC  far  a  lUaimmniilh— *  all  very  well,  but  all  canl.  In  a 
commeroial  oo«*tiT,  people  would  prefer  5  per  cent,  through  tho  hands 
of  the  BrolKea  CalV  tu  4ft  from  the  Brothers  Abkl.' 

"GUil  ■Ml  BOlkkx  Cz«r— to  see  your  loans  at  high  preauun. 
andaa 

"Yoors,  tympatbeticallyt 

"Tax  Orioutai.  Bbowk  Biaft." 


THE  NEW  CABINET. 
[FoaaA  at  Uw  Ster  nA  ^wttm,  Btahnond.] 


n<rt  itfnT  <a»  iv«Hwv 


Am.  in  AWAmm 
rtmnrrlier  ^Ma^agwrr 
Sterttmeyal  fVV 


or  OaAioT. 
Ma.  ri.rMPTmE  {atamxm  ffitfea  rcerafe«> 

LOKD  HtAITUTT. 

Mft.  HawD*aATB. 

Ma.  D1BIU.KU. 

Hb.  Cboouakt. 
t  Itft.  8POOVCS.  (wllb  pennli^Htodo  wbat 
(         be  llkM  wltii  Sunday!). 

Couwn.  Bimiou. 

I^osD  Giokos  Lnntoi. 

LoKo  ALSXAXDia  LxnoT. 


[Here  the  paper  is  torn,  and  other  names  are  illegible.  A  qnotation 
from  the  Duke  oy  Richmond's  Speech  on  the  Opeainsr  of  the  Session 
may,  however,  be  made  out.  It  runs — **  I  am  prtpartd.  if  this  amend- 
ment is  carried,  to  get  rid  of  the  present  Govenuueat."J 


MR.  COBDKN'S  QUERISTS. 


vu  wmlehlac  Um  body  <r  hw  naiduW  InuaMd.  and  Um  d^-murt  RvnOvneti  wlw  coo- 
snialtd|abMrGOftQ«ii*fllilDii  ktoattb*DiioirteiiiiT  nftheCurUlUa.  Tbe  lullaii 
vUUliu  cartetaly  wmated  on*  umAU  rloe  of  th«lr  £ii|U«h  iiioBam  saiMly,  hypoeriay.' 

**  'The  unoertainty  of  the  Car's  life ! '  Why,  let  *em  canvass  London 
Assorance  Offices^  and  see  if  a  Cxar's  life  isnH  a  life  held  as  immortal 
as  the  life  of  Pbcenix  at  the  office  of  that  name.  Ask  whether,  the  life 
offered,— the  Amicable  would  not  embrace  it— the  Anchor  drop  upon 
it— the  Argna  look  with  all  its  eyes  delighted  at  it— the  Atlas,  with  new 
joy  at  his  heart,  sustun  it— the  Briraunia,  like  a  sister,  hug  it — the 
Pelican,  with  its  beat  blood,  foster  it?  The  Emperor's  hfe,  say  I— the 
Emperors  justice!  Why,  in  Russia,  when  was  ever  hfe  sacnticed — 
when,  in  any  sense,  hempen  or  otherwise,  was  Peteb  ever  robbed  to 
pay  Paux  P 

"  And  tben.  ray  Czas»  '  what  a  pother/  as  Mo.  Bajubbas.  the  orange- 
man*  observed, '  about  the  morality  of  the  Loan.'  Mf  hat,  a  joke  1  Where, 
I  siiouid  like  to  know,  is  the  morality  in  money  ?  Whereaboats,  in  his 
anatomy,  the  heart  of  PlutusP    'In  a  purely  commercial  country,' 


To  Ma.  CosDtii. 

DxA&  Sib, 

Tn£  following  questions— of  a  nature  rery  similar  to  those  to 
which  you  alluded  the  other  day  at  Manchester- are  a  tew  out  of  BMoy 
that  I  have  been  desired  to  ask  you  b>  certain  country  correapofi dents, 
who  don't  Boem  to  approve  of  vou  very  much. 

In  advocatine  Free  Trade,  Peace,  and  Financial  Reform,  are  you 
really  actuated  t^  a  feeling  of  hostility  to  the  nobilitv  and  gentry,  oc- 
casioned by  an  anront  received  by  you  ia  early  life  from  somebody  of 
the  superior  classes  ?    If  so,  how  were  your  feelings  hurt  P 

When  you  were  sent  by  your  employers  to  wait  upon  a  Dnke  with 
some  paliems,  did  bis  Grace  tell  a  menial  to  take  you  down  stairs,  and 
i  give  you  some  beer  P 

Is  it  true  that  a  young  lady  of  rank  boxed  your  ears  for  making  her 
an  offer  over  the  counter  P 

Did  a  noble  Marquess  offend  you  by  offering  yon  sixpence  in  r«tum 
for  helping  faira  on  wiih  his  great  coat  P 

Is  your  antipathy  to  the  military  profession,  in  particular,  owing  to 
a  Colonel  of  Dragoons  havinjc  once  requested  you  to  hold  his  horse  ? 

Perhaps  you  will  be  so  kind  as  to  answer  these  enquiries  at  tout 
perfect  convenience.  Perhaps  you  may  be  of  opinion  that  their  nest 
answer  would  be  one  such  as  I  aaw  some  time  since  among  (he  Notices 
to  Correspondents  in  a  sporting  paper—"  X.  T.  Z.  is  an  Aas." 

Your  sincere  well-wisher. 

Vert  STBA5GB,  BUT  YimT  Tbvb. — The  deotrio  telegraph  is  now 
one  of  tbe  really  sovereign  powers  by  which  the  world  is  governed,  and 
though  civilisation,  with  a  thousand  other  hl<»stn?s,  ma;  he  raid  to  be 
advanced  by  the  potent  engine,  it  must  be  admitted  that  wherever 
the  electric  telegraph  holds  its  away,  it  rules  with  rods  of  iron. 


WANTED,  A  MEMBER  FOR  SUNDERLANP.— A*%^'«. 
IhB   rvnoD  ApplTlD«  abovld  lanw  •  T«Crt«DMt\N«X  Vn 

p^iuable  mat  I'artiiu  appear  (»lbaC«Kc«%a«aA'>*' 


S 


68 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAEL 


OBXS  VBOX  ADYBBTISBMBVTB. 

**  A  bMHtlM  hud  to  lii4liip«HiM«  to  alli  It  t«  tht  dlitlnfnlihlsff  mvk  bttwMa  nfis*- 
feMl  And  Tutnri^.  With  tbtald  of  Amudliw  aTa7  hund  In  tha  kluRdom  majbt  nndued 
Mft|  bMUtlAil^MM  whit*,  •wtry  rude  Impniilm  of  wMthor  or  bard  uug*  maorod,  doUoacf 
of  louoh  FMtond.  And  the  Ntl  of  tlofanoo  ImprMwd  upon  It— lot  Ito  proMnt  oondUton  bo  orer 
■o  nnproBitiliMl.'' 


A  PUSH  K)K  A:  PLACE. 

Poor  BoQoiNs.  the  Uiher  of  WMtmiiuter  HaU,  is  iurassed  01^ 
of  his  iifo  with  nesrtless  whispers  About  "six  evident  want  of 
Tigonr  in  his  err  of  "Silence!  Fray,  Silence!"  and  ernel  in- 
sinuations that  the  official  Toioe  of  the  Usher  should  be  finally 
hashed,  and  limited  henceforth  to  the  narrow  arena  of  the  domestic 
eirdo.  Malicious  stories  are  in  circulation  about  an  alleged 
ahakiness  in  the  hand,  while  handing  in  a  oompate,  and  there  are 
sinister  allentions  Afloat  that  the  gown  of  legal  stuff— and  non- 
sense—shomd  be  laid  aside  at  once  for  the  paletot  of  privacy. 

We  have  watched  Btjgoins  for  years—ii&Tuig  had  little  dse  to 
do  in  Court— and  we  can  affirm  that  hia  roar  of  "  Silence  "  has,  if 
anything,  gained  in  depth  what  it  has  lost  in  pitch,  and  that 
his  toitetnUo,  or  holdinjp  the  note,  on  the  word  "Fray,**  when  hi» 
demand  for  silence  is  m  the  form  of  an  entreaty,  may  be  ranked 
among  one  of  the  fiQesfc  efforts  of  the  toee  di  petto  (his  pet  voioe) 
that  we  ever  heard.^ 


PxotectioniAt  Candour* 


The  Protectionists  commenced  the  session  in  the  House  of  Com- 
mons on  the  opening  night  with  a  burst  of  candour  that  argues 
fxoellently  well  for  the  future  avowal  of  faults  and  fallacies. 
When  Load  John  Russell  very  properly  asked,  with  a  view 
to  the  saving  of  time,  whether  it  was  understood  the  debate  on 
the  Address  was  to  be  concluded  on^the  next  night,  a  cry  from 
the  Proteotionists  of  "  No,  No !  No  understanding  on  this  side 
the  house"  became  loud  and  generaL  The  confession  of  a  de- 
ficiency of  understanding  is  the  first  step— though  it  may  be  a  yvry 
long  way  off— towards  the  supply  of  the  absent  commodity.  We 
should  not  have  been  so  uncomplimentary  to  the  Protectionists 
as  to  90  the  whole  length  of  t  heir  own  cry  of  "  No  understanding  " 
on  their  side  of  the  house,  but  as  the  assertion  was  made  wj 
generally,  and  the  whole  party  seemed  eager  to  assent  to  it,  we  an 
not  dispoised  to  be  contradictory. 


A4II1SS  lAVG-WDIBBD. 


_.    _  Tha  Speech  from  the  Throne  was  telegraphed  over  9000  miles 

>  of  wire  within  an  hour  of  its  deliveiy.    Though  the  Speedi  was 
I     t\i«ArrMMi^.  •(  Now,  MiSTKR,  I  w&Mis  MT  uiLicACY  OK  TtncH  sKsTiiKKP,   |  abovo  the  Aversgo  in  point  of  matter,  it  must  be  confessed  that 
ANik  THR  SKAL  OT  HKUMAKOK  ixrAOSBo  rfox  MT  RVNCH  OP  Fitei^**        I  ncvcr  wss  A  Royu  Spcech  so  thoroughly  wire-drawn  before. 


SCENES  FROM  THE  LIFE  OF  AN  UNPROTECTED  FEMALE. 

THK  VMraOTACTAO   VtSALA  HAVIXO  »AB!«  Arri>tXTKO»  VNPaR   HBft  UTK  AVNT^S   WILL,  EXaCCTRIX  AND  SOU 

CVMrU.LKt»   TV  tiO   TO  raOVK   TBK   VIIX  AT   DOCTOBs'  COMMOXS. 


Fims 


ScBKt.-'AiM'f  rW,  tWHs-n*  iXmmxm*.    TU  VsrAOTri.^rD  Fevali 

^ittfmit^i^m,    J  ^i^V'»ihH*i  n^ft/^r,  M  lis  mx^-^^^!  *uSt  /in^' 

rmf>Mm.iM  FmsU  ^tki^h  trrf  UrJ\  \«s,  this  ks  IVAn*s  Yard. 
TWatH  tikt  wa;  m  the  mai\  And  thea  I  take  drst  tura  to  the  right— 
«Ad  iKeA— tti\  Ar»l  tuTA  to  the  Uft :  Aai  thea,  I  *m  in  Carter  Siree%  and 
t^Athinl  turn  to  tK«  right  i»— l^n  yure  lWUYArd*A  out  of  Carter 
$Si«*t^  And  thAl  iMbis  iaio  Urf«t  Kidn-  Street ;  Hut  I  *n  not  to  torn  to 
tW  Wr— thm— IWr.  deAr,  I  thouicKt  I  coakt  nmember  the  nu|v 
\i>4«  w-w«*«  4f<tm  ;W»V  r*f?wL^   iJut  I  Ov-a'l  thiak  I  do— ^ur< — 

MAr«KO^\VuH'ttrt.>afm-U'»^how-;«sal.^'a-<m-^wx-<>nr,-)larn,-TULt- 
A'\>w:o«s.wsa.lXv:«,  Marm? 

r^f«v«Man«*  rnu>,  l\>csor?  Nt\  nan;  what  »ho«ii  1  wast  a 
1V««ir  f.w?  Ye«— 4y  it  dowa  kerr«  b«t  I  wvo^t  mv  wbas  I  vmni :  for 
Um«^«»>  sajw^^ii  Uw  ps|iers  io  get  »%<« — *  ^'jsw*  /*<  ;*y  nry 
Di^  4W  MMtr  4^jwfm  Timnt  T*fik  Aftrwiwis  .v  iiu  t'w  i'^A-^^v  /.r 
itrtff^    It  «M«  ia  l>Ms'»  Yani,  scer^wiwj*. 

Kv9«roMa.*«^-if^'<«''^^Hi9wvAi>lAO«>«9s>aI:. 


}foff  Pim-'f-Xcs-J  JAiJi  (orerieariMg  ier).  Proctor,  or  Doctor,  or 
Juice,  MA^m* 

f  ■*pTW<".yr»/  FmjU,  0\  !  here  *s  another  of  these  men.  {Graip$  ler 
&V  t'  ft  ti-r^ty  fi'f  ^^''-^  I  tnow  I  ought  to  find  it  myself;  bat  I 
can*!.    Ou :  ic  's  a  parrv  of  tue  name  of  Tupfel,  ifyoa  please  ? 

Mt>rt  ISmp  ^.V.A^i.ViM.  Is  it  SuL  Jovs,  or  the  Doctor,  or  TurrnL 
And  AVxnDLKPOTS  y 

VtpfMtecteJ  feau>.  What  can  he  meui  by  SiK  Joe5,  and  tke 
Doctor?    It'sTAiprrL    T— a— i— 

J*  pnxnfcu^  !o  9r.V  tie  mawee  ft  cm  tie  cmrd  fknieied  hg  iw 

JH^^t  PiMpi^X^seJ  MsM,  It  an't  no  Ase  A  speUin'  of  it— iheT*Ee  All 
one  ^«m:'T — fb^re's  SiA  John  acd  the  Docsor  and  the  Proctors. 

l\pn:s^.'!eJ  Ffwkxe,  JLU  cal>d  TiLimLL— Oh,  I  woadcr  whidi  it  is  I 
want? 

jVvfY  Pd^^.VdW  Jf ML  TWy  mossly  docs  ran  in  twos  aad  threes  ia 
the  Oo3\3Me» — oesades  TAxrniA,  tbetr's  Sia  Jacob  STtTnra*  Rnr. 
a-d  taere  '•  IhL  RrsT,  and  there 's  DA-STtrxxiA,  and  there 's  Sttsxxx. 
KtrsT.  aad  Srrsnnu;  «ad  tiicrv  's  Di.  Ttck,  andTrxx  and  TwATTLsa^ 
A£a  Da.  Ttxa  Twjlttles,  asd  youg  Da.  Twattus.  It  rua  m 
:Asi:'.3es  a  ora!*.  it  does,  *efeftblMt9-^>^  I  kw>ws  *em  aLi— biess  ytm. ! 

''mrMKtei  fewuue  vaaiw  «■  itr  mmd  /«  cAr  ntt^siim  mCi  asBt 


hwvr.  d 


mmmm4  imtke  wflkM  titf  the  n«rt»-N0Ar:'  Ma^  Am  s  »f*^  wpim 
me'  XnA^    \\^  snoibt  Vu««r  mr,  *«  1  k»w  itoF  »«T  per>cc  jr. 

^<Mn>»  Afn*^  tie  .W  jM^M^  %  Air  jar  v»u  vtanl  the  jmaa  Mtai 
•tMw  V  TsnL 
t^\  Smd  Mm.  AA9K!ii^<7c«-w«:t»*UArm.>A9c?'-9^sba«*}««. 


im.-,-Muf  gfc^'*^*— 'ft*fci«yi<rAy •  It'sthbcard    iihaM      vHiaipDOsa- 
m  BMs   ^<»msmjlS  i»  ftime  t^  Mie  ii."^    N^  T0«  OBB  looA  At  it— 


'cre-Mam-it'A 
atrifleL 

■A.*11 


Mbn  l^A«ki  I^2M«wtf;c««CK&^  tc^w*^ 
<rtim»^<iAi»  Ma»  si—fcwa  ms  imi^  9e  im  jfjAw>,i    JEbvdsn 


iJkcii^t  to  ftal    I'UsAowyoa.    Wc 

r«|tf«^MM  lemekt^  Oft— if  ytn 
;0A«£ipeMe- 

rScsn  eimetm  t»  tit  C^rb"  rwss  at  Twnm, 

SL 


CIcrh.  If  jou  please^  M»'wn— Wbom  did  you  ple&se  to  wuii  P 
UnproUcUd  Femalt.  Oh— Mft.  T&imL,  if  you  please 


Clerk.  Mk.  Tbjppel's  ia  Court, 
papers,  or  a  Enfssait 

Vt 


[Nerwnatjf  gramitiB  her  bag. 
Ha'un~but  if  )ou'Il  Ifave  >our 


nproiecied  Female  {at  once  detfcting  ku  dfs'tgn  to  ohtain  mrreptitiomB 
p04K$non  qf  ihe  paperx  and  df/ntud  hrr  ff  (hA properiy).  0\^ — no  tbaak 
you — it  *s  of  BO  conafqucncc — ttiack  you.  {Aside.)  I  'm  sure  I  uuiebta't 
to  mention  the  vitl  to  a  stranger.  [^Skt  Uatet  ihrq^, 

JUore  PimpU-Naeed  Mam  {teho  kaa  teen  wmturff  for  her).  Now^  Matiu, 
nbere  to  P 

Unproteded  FemaU,  Qb,  thank  you !— I  don't  vant  you,  maa.  aey 
more,  [Paps  kirn  and  then  stands  itrmUmie, 

More  Timple-Kosed Mami^tpg *tp).  Blc»s  you,  Marm— I knoir— it's 
a  will. 

Unprotected  Female  {in  agortf^^  Oh.  man,  how  dar«  ytm.?    Oo  away 
this  miniitr,  or  I  'II  call  Pahce. 
[Mo&B  FiHVLE  NoBiQ  MaK,^WiV^  there  u  noihing  io  le  cfona^  reiirm, 
Unprotecied  Frma/e  {swidenfv  sets  a  direetion  Aoard  **  7b  Hie  Witt 
O&cen.  Ob,  the  Will  Offioo!  That  must  bo  where  1  'm  io  go.  Tbey  *U 
tell  me  what  to  do^  there. 
^H  i^cxxtmcioKgetlotielnieriorof  (keWiliQll^,    dvmfmmigamd 

^H  MiiUfoam,  wUh  mronge  ^f  desks  atoag  the eamitt^amdopemreotsett 

^^K  wilh  sAelees  m  emek  side^  filed  teiU  squai  amd  aaH^  wlmmes, 

L        u 

^"       Sab 

I  ^' 

I  intl 

I  lure 


miiM  thelees  m  emem  seae^miea  teuM  s^uat  ama  mnwm 
fettered  and  mwsierad,    JleM  amd  tromem  arm  emeuftino  ruriau* 
doettmenia  <m  dte  deah^  amd  reepfciatite  amd  tUami  Ulfpii  are 
empioged  im  tedtimg  ont  and  rrplacing  the  volumes. 
Unproieeied  Female  (Jiattdl^).  Oh  ia  Ihia  the  Will  Office,  please? 
CierA,  Ywt  Ma'am!    What  willr    Giro  jrear,  month,  and  name. 
Unprotected  Female.  Oh.  it  'a   Ia5t  year,  in  July,  and  the  name  is 
Saejlh  Ja}{b  Struggled.    And  I  'm  come — 

[CliEfiK  disappears.    SAe  looks  round  teiih  a  vogue  apprehension. 
Clerk  {briags  eolmme).  Sh — Sp — Sr — St — very  odd — you  rauBt  be  wrong 
in  the  year.  Ma'am,  or  the  name ! 

Umproieeted Fema'e  Uarnesllg).  0^,  no,  indeed — it's  my  aunt.    I'm 
lure  I  'm  right,  for  L  had  txpectations,  and  X  'm  sure  I  remember. 


Cterk.  No  auoh  will  of  ibttt  dat&  Ma'am 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh — bol  that  it  the  dai»»  I  aesare  you. 

aerk.  Can't  be,  Ma'w. 

Unproieeted  Fmmif.  Oh— indeed— I  Vq  got  tbo  wiU. 

Clerk.  ProbfttA*    Let's  see? 

Unproieried  Feesale.  No ;  1  Va  got  ihe  wiU  itaelf. 

CUrk.  Then,  it 's  not  been  proved  ? 

Unprotecled  Female.  I've  come  to  prove  it— but  I  can't  find  Mb. 

EurpEL;  80  I  thought  perhaps  they  *d  prove  it  here — ss  it 's  all  oorrect. 

Clerk.  Pooh— pooh— pooh— Ma'am.    This  is  the  Will  Office. 

Vnprciected  Female.  Yes,  so  I  thought. 

Clerk.  We  don't  proTC  wills  here — we  ^l  *cm  after  they  're  proved — 
you  must  find  your  Pfoctor— he'll  setile  it  for  you. 

Unproteried  Female.  Ob,  but  In  'a  not  at  home.  Sir,  please. 

Clerk.  Pooh— pooh~{>ooh— Ma'am,  we  really  can't  attend  to  joa — 
one  shilling,  for  search. 

Vmprot«eied Female.  Eh? 

Clerk.  One  ebilJiBR  please— for  search. 

Unprotected  Female  (pagiegvithout  the  least  notion  tchat  Jhr).  Oh,  if 
yoa  '<!  Qnjr^  [Clfjik  imrms  ateag  to  amotker  portg. 

More  Pmfl^Hated  Mmm  {mho  hat  foliomed  keraio  dislamee  mh  the 
qfie^.  Now,  Mam — you  cant  find  nothink  in  the  G<umQons,  without 
somebody  as  knows  all  about  it— come — I  '11  show  you  the  Court  for  a 


Umpeoiaekd  FemmU  {%mddemig  retMnf  h  pU  imself  imdo  Ue  hand*  of 
I^MoutPiHrLfr-NowDMA}!).  Now,ia]rg»odinaa.O^MK»(«ic94iak) 
Oh.  I  derlaro,  h«  aacila  avihUjr  of  driniiu^  Oh,  you^re  sue  you  'ra 
BOt  (IniDk  ? 

J/(/r?  Fif»pU-Nosed  Mam  (Mrf  impieeui9elg\  Nuflm  stronger  nor  tea; 
nobody  never  drinks  nuffin  in  the  Commons. 

Unprotected  Female.  'Ihen  if  vou  couJd  show  me  the  Court.    I  want 
Mb.  Tbitpel,  and  he 's  in  the  Court. 
More  Fimpte-Nosed  Mam.  'Krc  yon  are.  Marm. 

i^KSKMekmnpteiotkt  Ci»r/.— Sra  Jacob  &nrKKMH  Ruotu  in  the 
chair— YiXl  ]{pst  m  on  his  lege  m$  Jdooeoie  «  m  redgotcn  behind 
am  esirmde— }1slKv  a  oA  .Procter  iM  Ihe  caim  it  eUtn^ai  a  tahle 
m0Jmeestif,  im m  bUtek gmem,  Db.  T%tmh  ie  JdooemU  om  tke 
other  iide^  amd  Mr.  Tripfbl  m  Proctor.  J  JUaorce  eaee  w  beieg 
carried  tkroegh  the  Qmrt  im  a  conzereational  bid  aligkilgelerpy 


More  Pimple-Ncsed Man  (in  am  atcestrickem  manner).  That 'b  Str 
Jacob,  that  are  in  the  Rownd  and  the  cliair — and  '  hat  there  's  Youxo 
Rust  on  his  legs  in  hi*  red  gownd,  wieh  he's  a  Doctor,  and  they  all 
wear*  'em  lo-d^y ;  he's  a  rum  uu  is  Ydvno  IIust  ;  and  that  'a  t'other 
TouKG  Krex  in  the  black  gownd^  «icU  that's  the  rroctot's  ublc,  and 
(li«M  *»  TiurtE:;— 'ere— 

[ff'iiMri  tke  Usher,  mhtt  mhisp^rs  Triitu,  rko  leasee  his  eeoi  OMd 
advance*  to  the  UyvDotbcrico  1'Biuki.a  m 


Unprotected  Female,  Oh— please — Sir— I  beg  your  pardou  for  dis- 
turbing you,  but — here's  my  card,  and  one  of  Waddledot  and  Cr[p- 
ILES,  mysolidfors,  {gives cards.)  and  I've  come  to  prove  my  poor  aunt 
Sa&ah  Jack's  mill— and  {verg mgsleriomsig)  I've  got  it  iu  my  bsff— 
and  1 '  m  certain  that  man's  drunk. 

[Looking  vUh great  seoerilg  at  ike  MoRE  Puf  rLi:-NosED  V  AJf.  %chom 
the  elosfM^.u  (fthe  Court  seems  to  huic  rulher  orerpoiccrca ,  as  he 
twayt  to  and  fro  a  good  dealt  amd  shows  a  desire  to  drop  asleep 
om  his  legs. 

More  Pimple-Nosed  Man.  All  rii^ht. 

Trippel.  The  will,  my  dear  Madam,  if  you  please. 

Unprotected  Female  (ejtrartjt  it  from  her  lag,  and  rommita  it  leilh  secret 
misgiHMgs  to  TfilPPZL,  teho  nnfulas  aud  t^ainiH/s  ihe  date  indorsed).  Good 
gracious- my  dear  Madam— death  on  2Sth  July,  and  here  we  are  on 
SSth  January— bv  heavens,  you  've  jnst  savf  d  it ! 

Unprotecf'ed  Female  [clasping  her  hande).  Oh,  gracious  goodness,  what 
is  it?  isn't  it  good,  Sir? 

Wmpei.  The  six  months  eipirc  fo-day.  If  we  hadu't  proved  today, 
w«  aooold  h«f«  bad  tbe  STamp-olBce  down  upon  us !  (UKruoTECTED 
FeSULB  almaei  fgiaU  at  the  dm  horror  tehicm  this  prospect  sitggesle  to 
bar.)    But  we  moit  swear  ^ou— without  delay — without  the  least  delay. 

UmproUdedFemmU.  Oh,  if  yon  please.  I  'd  rather  not  swear  anything. 

Thppel.  AhaolntcJf  necessary— as  executrix- and  then  you  cao  sign. 

Uattrotected  Feasate.  Oh,  if  you  please,  I  'd  rather  not  sign.  Jliu  JOXM 
haa  aJwftvs  tfJd  me  to  he  very  cautions  about  signing. 

Mr.  Trippei,  You  muit  really,  Ma**m.    I  '11  fetch  the  Doctor. 

UnprotecUd  Fhnale.  Oh  no,  thank  you.  Sir.  I  shall  be  better 
directly.    It'a  only  nervousness.    Oh !  I  don't  want  the  doctor,  really. 

Mr.  Tnppel.  Ha!  ha!  ha!  It's  mv  brother.  I  mean— Dil  TfllPrEL, 
IiL.D..  not  M.I).,  ft  Doctor  of  Laws,  Ma'am,  not  Physic. 

UnpralaeUd  Female.  Oh!  but  please  if  you  do  without  signbg— 
[Dk.  ICsirrsL  is  brovghi  op,  and  ScEVS  closes  om  ihe  impruthe 
ceemsong  i/  swearing  tie  U»nu>TECiXl)  TmhASM  aggtmai  her 


THE  'raOUGHTS  OF  A  Sn.ENT  MEMBER. 

VEVBR speak,  but  I  think  all  the  more. 

I  often  tfunk,  ir  Members  spoke  no  more  than  I  did. 
that  business  would  get  on  all  tlie  better  for  it. 

I  think  tbe  reporters  are  at  the  bottom  of  the  long 
debates.  If  there  were  no  repoiters,  there  would  be  no 
speeches,  and,  there  being  no  speeches,  we  should  only 
have  to  divide,  and  the  Session  might  easily  be  over  in  one 
day. 

I  think,  if  cigara  and  refreshments  were  allowed  in  the 
House,  it  would  tend  very  much  to  enliven  the  debates, 
and  would  do  more  towards  bringing  opposite  parties  to- 
fetber  than  all  tbe  ipeeobilyng  in  tbe  world.  I  half  think, 
if  CoBDEN  and  Disbaeu  only  bad  a  sherry-cobbler  toge- 
ther, they  wonld  not  care  a  straw  afterwards  about  any  little 
difference  of  opinion;  and  I  do  think,  if  MirSTZ  were 
to  cfTer  Ststhorp  a  cigar,  that  it  would  almost  induce 
the  staunch  old  colonel  to  cross  over  from  one  aide  of  the 
House  r.o  the  other. 
T  think,  if  we  were  to  meet  earlier,  and  not  to  break  up  so  late,  it 
would  be  much  more  ra^cnal.  It  does  appear  strange,  not  to  sar 
pdieulous,  that  some  500  gentlemen  ahoula  sit  up  alf  night  to  tallc 
about  the  nation,  when  all  the  nniion  is  in  bed.  Anfi  I  think,  if 
this  arrangement  were  carried  out.  that  onr  wives  would  like  it 
all  the  better.  I  know  /  should,  for  ray  wife  will  nlways  fcit  up  for 
me.  and  question  me  about  *'my  speech."  Now,  this  addressed  to  a 
man  who  never  by  any  accident  says  a  word,  is  iMrticutarl^  unpleasant 
at  two  o'clock  in  the  movnrng.  No !  if  there  ia  one  thing  I  pride 
myself  upon  more  than  another,  it  is  upon  never  haring  made  a  fool  of 
myself  by  attempting  to  apeak.  I  thtiuL  but  nerer  spoJ:, — and  that's 
bettrr  than  manv  others,  who  vpeak  without  thinking. 

I  think  I  'm  abont  the  only  man  in  the  House  who  oasn't  made  a  fool 
of  himself. 
Now,  for  a  man  who  nerer  says  a  word,  I  think  I  \e  said  enough. 


&  Good  Price  given  Cor  Breeaea. 
We  read  last  week  an  advertisement  in  the  Times  headed  :— 

'•  C  O  N  T  E  A  C  T      FOR      H  R  E  E  Z  E." 

Here's  a  grand  opportunity  for  those  married  gentlemen  who  hare 
oiore  breezes  at  home  than  they  know  what  to  do  with  t  , 

A  Good  Sigx.— If  there  we»  any  doubt  as  io  tbo  falMbood  of  the 
absurd  rumour  that  Lord  John  liussxxx  was  ineroe^')  ^«^^iv^v^ 
finality,  or  having  come  to  tk%^AaA-S^6^Nsvk'VBawe5KabWS«cMhiAL  -««$«»■ 


I 


The  Fbost  gois,  a}4D  Hb.  BBtoos's  Hob£B  is  oisACfiisBASLY  rsLtsa  aftea  his  lovg  kest. 

A^D    FLOXOES  AT   BVEBTTHniQ   BB   tfEETS, 


He  sets  uf  ms  back  avd  squeaks, 


I 


I     : 


WHERE  IS  BLISS  TO  BE  FOUND? 

The  son^-Trriters  havfl  freatieatly  asked  wilh  some  slight  Taristions 
of  phraseology,  "  WAere  u  Miss  to  be  found?' "  aud  we  are  glad  to  be 
able  at  last  to  answer  their  question  by  saying,  once  for  all,  toat  "  Bliss 
is  to  be  found  in  the  last  scene  of  every  pantumime." 

The  srarcber  after  happiness  lias  only  to  go  to  the  theatre  where  the 
usual  Chriatmas  entertainment  is  given,  and  by  following  the  precfpt 
of  the  moralist,  to  **  Wait  for  the  end,"  he  wiU  be  sure  to  make  tbe 
desired  discoverv.  The  curtain  will  oertainlr  not  descend  until  he  has 
■een  either  the  "Halls  of  Blias."  tbe  "Realms  of  Delight;"  tbe 
"Groves  of  Felicity,"  or  the  "Saloons,"  "Temples."  or  "Porticos" 
of  "Joy,"  "ilirtb,"  or " Happinoaa." 

It  is  trae,  that  as  that  which  is  "One  man's  meat  is  another'& 
poisoD,"  so  that  which  the  play-bills  describe  as  "bliss"  would  bean 
intense  boro  to  the  world  in  genera);  for  pantomimic  rapture  usually 
consists  in  maintainiog  a  most  uncomrortable  position,  amid  a  dis- 
agreeable blaze  of  blue  or  red  light,  and  a  driuling  shower  of  uncom- 
fortable spark«  from  smoky  fireworks.  If  such  are  the  elements  that 
rule  in  the  Halls  of  "  Bliss,"  it  is  clear  that  Mobtraji's  firework 
manofaciory,  in  the  Westminster  Road,  must  be,  a  fortiori,  an  Klysium. 

We  know  that  there  is  no  plrasure  without  pain,  but  «e  should 
deelina  a  heiu  tiattdi  in  the  "  Halls  of  Delight,"  when  the  condition  of 
sneh  A  standing  is,  that  you  stand  upon  your  head  on  the  top  of  a  pike, 
with  a  Roman  candle  stuck  into  pur  mouth  by  way  of  Koman-candle- 
stick,  and  a  Catherine  wheel  revolving  round  your  nose  inttead  of  its  own 
axis,  Tbe  poet  who  told  uo,  that  ignorance  is  bliss,"  was  certunly 
right  as  far  as  pantomime  bliss  is  concerned,  for  it  would  be  much 
better  to  be  ignorant  of  such  bliss  Altogether.  K  walk  through  tbe 
"Halls  of  Hapoiness"  after  thecurlaiu  goes  down,  when  clown  is  being 
released  from  the  top  of  the  pole,  upon  wiiich  his  popularity  has  placed 
him,  and  the  other  heroes  and  heroines  of  the  night  descend  from  their 
uncomfortftble  elevation  into  the  arms  of  the  carpenters,  4hile  tbe  fire- 
man extinguishes  tbe  sparks  slill  remsiriing  with  his  heavy  higblows, 
and  prepares  hi^  hose  for  the  night— «ucfi  a  ramble  behind  the  scenes 
would  AUord  sad  proof  of  the  emptiness  of  all  theatrical  felicity. 


NELSON'S  HORATIA. 

We  think  we  now  espy  hope  for  Nelson's  Daughter.  We  truRtthat, 
the  Aristocracy  rejecting  her,  she  will  now  be  adopted  by  the  People. 
PuHch,  to  aid  m  the  publicity  of  the  subjoined,  copies  it  from  the  Tim9$ 
of  Feb.  1  :— 

HORATIA  NELSON.— If  W.  M.,  tbe  writer  of  a  letter  in  the  Tima,  of 
Decvmber,  1S49,  viU  CONFEB  with  H.  Q.,  l'a«tK»tBc«.  CAaterbuiy,  tM  will  h«mr  of 
MTTcnl  penoDB  auiotu  to  fall  Id  wlta  tiU  ra^iution  for  "  a  Matlooal  Bubs crlptloa  ia 
01  Nbuov's  Dftosbtw." 


Punch  ha<i,  he  thinks,  to  make  an  admirable  suggest  ion  to  the  excellent 
people  of  Norwich.  As  Nelson  was  a  Norfolk  man — (a  real  Norfolk 
Dumpling,  transmuted  bv  M^B5  in^o  a  cannon-ball) — as  Nelsok  began 
his  eaiication  at  the  High  School  of  Norwich,— J^r  Puneh  suggests  to 
the  Mayor  of  that  city  the  propriety  of  beginning  the  public  work,  by 
calhng  a  public  meeting  in  aid  of  Nkl-son's  Child. 


A  Oompliment  to  Tftck. 

The  Natal  Cir/mfar  notices  the  arriral  of  the  Hecate  at  Fortsmontb, 
from  Bermuda,  with  this  compliment : — 

"  It  la  fTTfttiffinK  t>  stAtc,  thAt  althxni^'b  bcr  crew  1«  one  borrowsd  from  tbo  S^etHgta 
cbivfly,  ftmoD^  wlwini  LTD  ■onto  bmutu  guotifir*,  not  tini*  casa  of  deaertlou  to  AjD«rlaa 
htu  occurnu],  altluqgh  ihfl  Ik/  aoma  tUno  off  ui  Ajucrioui  port," 

Thof,  it  would  Boem,  that  Bnglish  tars,  when  shipped  to  American 
markets,  like  English  printed  oottons,  are  ^most  to  be  praised  when 
warranted— not  to  run. 

splitting   the   IirPFERENCB, 

CnAitiTABix  persons  are  in  the  habit  of  sendinjir  portions  of  five-ponnd 
notes  by  way  of  coiilrihutions  to  benevolent  objects.  We  are  sorry  to 
throw  a  ttlur  upon  what  is  undoubl-cdly  a  very  noble  action,  but  when  a 
man  fortrards  a  bank  note  in  two  separate  pieces,  truth  compels  us  to 
declare  that  tie  is  only  doing  things  by  halves. 


I 


''J^a^  ^  WillUm  BrUkwr.  «/!(•  u,  Dprffr  Woftom^UM,  tatt«nii4k  of  SL  AMni,aM4 


Sm  bf  itii 


a**ajk«t  Xo-^Ohortb- 


r.  %t«b*  ^aHL-tMi    bnik  lu  Ik*  rjHiiiTvnr  M'^l 


pf1>tfn.&!  TbaU 


CUHIOSITIES    OF    MBDICAL    EXPEDIENCE. 


AMical  Studmt.  "  Whli.,  old  FcLLCit,  so  roo'VK  *pa&5Sd*  at  lait." 
Cofifu/dil^  Aileron.  "  Ybs  ;  but  I  dow't  okt   much    ■■racticb.  somb- 

IIOW — ALTUOVOa    1     AM      XEAKt.t     ALWAYl     AT     UOMK,    IX     CASK     AXT      OXR 
SHOULD  CALL." 


MR.  PUNCH 


ON  CHURCH 
EDUCATION. 


AND    STATE 


Mk.  Punch  has  often  made  liis  appearance  at  Willis's  Rooms,  but. 
bring  a  dtr.ided  opponent  of  "National  Kducat  ion  upon  strictly  Cliurcli 
rnnciplcs,*'  he  kept  away  from  the  building;  last  Thursday  when  the 
friends  of  Chnrch  Education  met  to  uphold  their  plan. 

Mr.  F.  declares  that  he  is  as  much  interested  in  the  Education 
question  as  any  Prfilati?,  Archdeacon,  Warden  of  Winchester  College, 
or  Majesty's  Counsel  learued  in  the  law  th^-n  present,  at  Willis's  ;  where, 
as  of  course  ihey  bad  hired  the  rooms  for  their  own  purpose,  tliey  had  as 
good  a  right  to  dAiice  to  their  own  tunes,  so  (o  speak,  ns  other  folks  do 
at  the  same  plac^  up^n  payment  of  their  money.  It  is  only  in  the 
columns  of  the  JSmf*  newspaper  tbaf-  Mr.  P.  r*'Bd8  a  record  of  their 

1>roceedings :  and  of  tiiese,  as  he  also  is  a  public  preacher,  he  feels 
timself  bound  to  speak. 

That  eloquent  Q.  C,  who  presided  over  the  raeeling,  and  whose 
tongue  is  lo  tweet  that  even  wheu  he  speaks  against  you,  one  is 
charmed  to  hear  him  :  that  ac«)mplished  orator,  Mu.  .1  Tai.BUT,  stated 
not  twfairly  what  the  purposes  of  the  Government  J{ducatiou  ^cheuie 
are:  and  pretentcd  it  m  what  be  called  its  hideous  dclorniity. 

"  Tha  ffnvemtncst  plui,"  Ms.  TAUioruiid,  "wms  nmr  ran«ired  In  aU  Iti  hMontu 
delbriDlljr,  ad<1  requlr»l  liutAnt  mistauce.  [Hear,  Aror.t  It  woa  proposal  to  ooosUtulo 
aMntr*!  mIwoI  fur  tbe  nibply  ofdUtrici  cebools  wltti  uacberi,  tn  wii\eh  Ui«n  *u  not 
lu  bd  th«  tUKlitoKt  Rppnmrli  to  %  Diurcli  Cliu«ct«r,  tvi  coutiexion  «h«l(>v«r  Willi  Rpti- 
comI  9up«rinU)nileno«,  do  profiaMion  of  fmitb,  no  crted,  do  Cfttcchlani,  but  &  delibcnia 
MiiKinc  tuKetber,  uodiw  um  plat  of  oumpniliciulTo  edneatloa,  evsry  mrioty  of  dlxMni 
and  ctf  diffientMM,  or  ladlShranee,  la  religion,  tb«  prabkbld  rvault  of  vhleh  would  be  anl- 
renwl  seepUoUm  and  lufldeUty.  In  eonoecUoit  wltb  thU  wiu  ttie  arstein  of  InspectotB, 
uon  mpotulbla to  tlic  Comtnltiee  of  EdncaU^ni  a]oDi>,  and  riulto  Independent  of  ths 
bl«bop«  and  of  onlralaatlcaJ  aothorl^,  ao4  wIioko  wbuli>  builiivt*  r«UlM)  to  ibe  diue- 
mloaaon  of  uraiUr  kttowlcilge  rfttn«r  than  of  rellgloiu  tnitli,  (Utar,  fttar)-  ample 
alMbrat  mach  tuaihematica  and  toMljanics  land  lurveylat;,  aod  what  not;  but  of 
nU^OR,  Dotblng;  of  dogmatic  UiachUig,  notlitng." 

Now,  beauty  is  a  quesiion  of  tasle  like  any  other;  and  Mr.  P., 
taking  Mr.  Talbot's  state ment  as  his  own.  declares  in  the  face  of  tbe 
honoured  public  of  Great  Britain, th«t  this  plan  of  edneat  ion,  pronounced 
by  Mr.  Taldot  to  be  a  "  hideous  deformity,"  is,  in  Mb.  P.'s  eyes,  a  very 
pretty  plan. 

P,  u  heartily  and  earnestly  wi^h^a  th%t  there msy  be  schools  eslab- 
liihed  throughout  England,  for  1  he  "  disseminai  ion  of  secular  knowledge, 
ample  algebra,  mnoK  mechanics  and  mathematicp,  land  surreving,  ana 
what  not" — as  he  heartily  and  earnestly  denies  that  their  result  will  be 
*'  universal  inUdelity  and  scepticism."  A  black  Fetish  roan,  or  a  priest 
of  the  Obi  persuasion,  may  not  wish  hiswoollr  congregation  to  leani 
to  read,  or  to  listen  to  the  white  missionaries  lest  they  ahould  begin  to 
doubt  of  MUHBO  Jwso:  a  conjurer  does  not  allow  the  children  to 
yp.i  :oo  close  to  his  table,  or  they  wonld  set  how  some  of  his  tricks  are 


performed :— these  are  tlie  prAcantiona  of  knarea  and  quacks— not  ol 
tDlighteued  teachers  and  professors  of  the  truth.  The  teaming 
of  it  cin't  lead  lo  error.  Does  the  learning  of  algebra  lead  lo  a  dia- 
beiief  in  the  Gospels?  Does  n  knowledge  of  mechanics  cause  a  man 
lo  douht  in  the  miracles?  What  else  do  young  men  i earn  at  Cam- 
bridge, but  algebra  and  mechauics?  It  is  a  blasphemy  against 
the  Truth  to  say  that  i!s  consequences  are  liea  and  evil ;  and  be 
doubts  it,  and  is  a  coward  regarding  it,  who  fears  d.ingers  to  if, 
from  (00  close  public  iuTestigalion.  We  won't  look  at  truth,  now-a-day>L 
as  travellers  do  at  HoniiHh  relic«,  across  a  raiting,  or  through  a  glaud 
hole,  with  a  verger  at  their  sides  canting  out  bis  account  of  the  wonder. 
That  sort  of  guardianship  is  good  for  the  Crowns  of  tbe  Three  Kings, 
or  the  Bones  of  the  Eleven  Thousand  Virgins,  but  not  for  the  TnttJi, 
It  belongs  to  all;  its  book  is  always  open  and  ready  for  every  man's  eyes. 
It  is  set  up  in  the  public  place  now,  and  does  not  sneak  in  SAnclunriea 
to  be  exbit)ited  occasionallv  by  the  priest,  and  locked  uo  at  night  bv  tho 
bradle.  Truth  is  not  phys-ic  or  jKiiaon,  to  be  adniinisf^red  carefully  by 
Divinity  Doctors ;  but  bread,  life's  sustenance,  of  which  every  man  may 
take  his  reasonnblc  share,  without  asking  grace  of  the  phvsicinn.  It  n 
not  we  who  doubt  its  wholesouieness,  wbo  say  "Come  all  men  and  par- 
take of  it ; "  but  those  who  would  keep  the  public  away  from  it,  eicepfc 
under  the  prescription  of  the  doctor.  Doctors  I*  psha!  GorjiaK 
ift  a  Doctor;  PiiiLi.POTTs  is  a  Doctor;  MR.NEWMAKwas  a  famous 
IWtor  of  ourfchools,  which  he  has  Quitted  forquiteadifler«utprac'iott 
Mr.  NoKt  was  a  regular  Doctor  and  has  left  the  Colleg'';— we  spt-HiE.M 
these  learned  persons  no*,  with  (hr  slightest  disrespect  fur  tlie  opittioni 
which  each  holds,  and  which  they  bear  conscientiously  through  evil  and 
good  repute ;  but,  because  the  very  notoriety  of  their  differences  pleads 
for  toleration,  and  proves  that  there  ought  to  be  a  neutral  ground  wbera 
finglish  boys  and  j^iris  may  learn  reading,  and  stowing,  and  geography, 
and  the  nmtfiplication  table  in  quiet.  Are  not  these  Diings  good,  true, 
and  wholesome?  Is  it  not  goou  that  all  should  know  them  1*  Xtisgood 
tlint  a  We^eyun  milk^niaid  sliould  be  able  to  spell,  that  an  Anabaptist 
plough-boy  should  know  his  multiplication  tabic,  that  a  High  Church 
tailor's  apprentice  should  know  someUurgof  history,  and  a  Low-Church 
young  cobbler  should  be  able  to  write  dccmtly,  whatever  differences  of 
religious  opinion  there  may  exist  between  him  and  the  little  Papist 
who  is  casting  up  a  Itule  of  Three  sum  at  hi*  side.  Oh.  you  doctors, 
you  are  brawling  and  battling  among  yoiirsrlves  ceaselessly,  and  yet 
>ou  cry  out  tliat  there  are  none  but  you  who  are  lit  to  teach  little 
children  to  write  and  to  spell,  and  that  their  souls  are  in  peril  if  your 
eyes  are  not  over  their  slairs  and  grammar-boo ka ! 

Here,  for  instance,  at  this  meeting,  gets  up  Mn.  NAriEB  from  Dublin, 
who  says  that  the  Government  M:heme  of  teaching  ctiildren  of  all  religions 
denominations  to  read,  is  "  rrn  atiffnpt  io  exclude  iionf/om  the  Governmeni 
rf  (he  vorld  ;  to  sepnrute  FrovnUacffrom  man  ;  to  tet  tip  the  wi$dom  9J 
man  aoaitut  God's  truth.*'  In  this  wav  the  honourable  gentleman  raves 
and  blasphemes,  because  two  boys  of  different  religious  persuasions  sit 
at  the  same  bench  to  learn  the  multiplication  table.  This  is  a  seal 
ardent,  indeed;  worthy  of  Laynez,  the  hereticbumer ;  wortli^  of 
Cam'in,  ibc  Socioianroaster ;  worthy  of  the  wickedest  days  of  the 
wickedest  persecution.  Oh,  NaI'Ier  of  Dublin,  who  are  you,  to  come 
from  Ireland,  and  charge  wiih  atheism  all  £nghuid  ihat  docs  not  agree 
with  you  P  What  commission  or  authority  have  you,  timt  you  so  meddle 
wilh  the  Divine  name?  How  dare  you  to  call  me  atheist?  blasphemer! — 
that  am  born  by  the  Divine  will,  as  you  are ;  that  worship  it  and  acknow- 
ledge it  as  you  do ;  though  I  do  not.  believe  as  you  do,  (tltank  heaven  I) 
or,  that  a  consemience  of  my  creed  is  a  curse  of  Ibe  greater  part  of 
nmnkind  ?  Mh.  Napier,  who  charges  us  all  with  rebellion  agnniAt  the 
Divinity,  so  that  we  are  so  many  devils — neither  more  nor  less — this 
amiable  gentleman  is  "  one  of  the  friends  of  Kducalion  on  strictly 
Church  principles,"  and  a  popular  Champion  to  choose  in  the  days  of 
her  dolours  and  difficuliien. 

After  him  rises  Mr.  G.  A-  Dznisok,  another  auxiliary  of  Mother 
Church,  who  is  likely  to  make  her  cause  popular. 

"  Dy  everr  nw»ns  «l  their  Dommand,  tUe  CnmaUMasof  EdneaUon  wets  seeking  U 
make  •dttoatloD  ludotHinduut  of  auy  dcHnlta  form  of  reUgUitu  tUtb;  In  qnartorv  exer' 
dstnK  no  contempliMti  intluftn'o  nwr  thn  Cbnnah  there  wai  manlftutJd  a  fearful 
indUienuioe  to  divine  truth;  laUtudinarianUm  was  fbdlnf  (kroar  In  blgb  placm. 


{Htar,Juar.)  But  the  grMtut  danger  of  all  was  the  praetloal  nflgatlon  of  dcfiiUta  truth 
wlilrli  waa  found  ao  latgeljr  In  the  Church  itaelf,  from  that  ipirit  of  eotnpTomtee  which 
Ittl  men,  for  the  lake  of  what  they  erraoeouAly  called  peace,  to  Critter  away  tiie 
obJccUru  truth ;  from  that  eieklv  BenUmeitt  which  made  men  ahrink  froni  uafurtln]; 
tbe  banner  on  which  wer«  written  the  awful  wortti,  'ThU  it  tbe  Catholia  Kalth,  which 
uoleM  man  be11eve«,  be  cannot  bo  utved.'  (//mr,  ktar.)  Thu  efSKta  ol  this  «ptr1t  of 
negation  and  of  cunipromiM  were  not  far  to  auek.  Tbe  qaeatlon  of  educaUan  tiad  boea 
fhim  tho  firit,  tKtwMn  the  malntcnaaoa  or  tbe  wrrsndar  of  tbo  ened  and  doctriac*  of 
tbe  Churrh  OaOioltc  and  of  the  ealaeblsiD  of  the  duareh  Of  EngUad.  (Umte,  Aaer.) 
All  Miuealiii*  Jlototd  from  amd  wmcMori/y  dtp<^4ed  mpom  |A«  ioetmt  ^  r^omtmiitm 
in  htpUm.{Uiar,  Ardr.)-that  doctrine  vhifh  bad  M  raooatRHulj-  bean  of  Intti  made 
nibject  of  appeal  to  a  court  not  ncceesarlly  compoaod  of  Churelimcn,  and  baring 
neoekiariljr  no  iplritual  character." 

Now,  Mn.  Napier  from  Dublin,  what  do  jou  say  to  this  doctrine  o( 
the  origin  of  education,  by  Mr.  Deki90K  from  Oxford?  Very  likely 
your  little  Dublin  boys  never  heard  of  such  a  thing.  Do  you  believe  it, 
—or  don't  you  P  Lf  you  don't,  Mr.  Denison  refers  you  wilh  politeness 
but  wilh  pain  (for  bis  curses  do  not  seem  to  us  to  have  the  Napikr  smnck) 
— Mk.  Denisok  refers  you  to  the  paragraph  in  his  speech,  he^.s£^^nj»* 


OL.  XYIU.! 


1^ 


iliU 


62 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


"  Thia  is  the  Cathdlio  Faith/*  fto.  Now,  Mb.  Nafisb,  do  you  hold  this 
dootme.  or  not  P  if  not — ^you  know  the  couseguences — you  are  as  badly 
off  as  tae  atheists  whom  you  were  assaultins  just  now.  And  the 
chances  are  that  being  an  Irishman  you  do  not  oelieTe  it :  it  is  certain 
that  very  few  of  the  little  Irish  children  have  ever  read  i^  or  heard  of 
it:  some  of  Philpotts's  boys  may  hold  this  doctrine,  but  Gorham's 
boys  don't:  Gobhau  dmies  it  flatly:  and  half  the  Church  of  £ngland 
I  with  him.  Things  may  be  changed  since  we  went  to  school,  but  iu  our 
time,  we  believe  that  the  head-masters  of  public  schools  did  not  begin 
lessons  every  morning  with  a  statement  of  "  Boys,  all  education  flows 
from,  and  necessarily  depends  on.  the  doctrine  of,"  &c.  Why  should  tliey  P 
when  they  disagree  about  it  in  Doctors*  Commons,  when  the  archbijihoijs 
themselves  are  very  reserved  about  it,  and  the  Bench  of  bishops  is  mum. 
After  these  laymen  rises  Mb.  Sewell,  who  says,  that,  if  my  boy 
learns  to  spell  at  a  school  where  the  Catechism  is  not  taught,  he  is 
brought  up  under  a  system 

**  Which  mutt  iHevUabljf  destroy  In  the  created  being:  venenitlon  for  the  Creator,  In 
Am  child  love  for  the  pai-eot,  la  the  pupilreipectfortlie  teacher,  in  the  subject  obedience 
to  the  lUte." 

And  after  Sbwell  comes  the  Warden  of  Winchester,  who  declares 
"titit  the  Committee  of  Council  of  Education  are  not  only  forgetful  of 
their  duty  to  their  God  and  to  the  people,  but  also  of  their  duty  to  the 
Sovereign" — declarations  rather  alarming,  certainly,  were  the  truth  of 
them  proved :  but  let  us  hope  that  the  clerical  gentlemen  are  wrong, 
and  1^  away  by  professional  zeal,  rather  than  thinklhatHer  Majesty's 
QoTemmeiit,  andthe Council  of  Education, and  the  School  Inspectors, 
masters,  mistresses,  and  pupils,  are  in  the  deplorable  condii  ion  described, 
and  all  cursed  from  beginning  to  end.  Let  us  humbly  hope,  we  say, 
that  your  Keverenoes  are  wrong.  Among  the  approvers  of  the  Govern- 
ment Educational  Scheme,  are  persons  just  as  wise  as  you ;  among  the 
Inspectors,  other  clergymen  no  doubt  as  good.  The  gentlemea  of  whom 
you  say  that  they  "  forget  their  duty  to  God  and  the  Sovereign,"  are 
by  age  and  education  capable  of  judging  for  themselves  ;  it  may  be  that 
a  knowledge  of  the  multiplication  table,  however  acquired,  will  not  lead 
to  Atheism,  and  that  Jews,  Methodists,  Baptists,  and  Socinians,  honour 
their  fathers  and  mothers  as  well  as  you  do. 

O  gentlemen !  O  servants  of  the  poor  dear  old  Church  of  England, 
while  you  are  boxing  and  brawling  within  the  sanctuary,  why  send  forth 
these  absurd  emissaries  to  curse  the  people  outside?  They  don't  mind 
your  commications ;  they  are  only  ieerinf^  at  your  battles.  *'A8  sure 
as  you  learn  geography  without  us,^'  shrieks  Sewell  from  the  tower, 

"you'll  be .'     '*  Go  it,  Gobdam— Pitch  into  him.  Philpotts!" 

bellows  the  mob,  grinning  tlirough  the  windows.  "  Beware  of  the  mul- 
tiplication table,"  cries  out  the  Warden  from  the  door : — and  the  people 
are  looking  at  Baddelt  and  Bayfobd  fiKhting  over  the  font.  Alas 
and  alack !  we  are  in  tiuies-  of  difficulty.  Why  don't  you,  archbishops 
and  bishops  with  ten  thousand  a  year,  tell  us  what  to  do  P  you  waggle 
your  venerable  wigs  and  say  nothing.  The  chitf  priests  are  silent,  and 
the  Lerites  are  in  commotion.  One  walks  out  of  the  place  altogether 
and  leaves  his  cassock  (and  brings  his  Nemesis)  behind  him :  ever  so 
many  more  quit  it,  and  get  the  tops  of  their  heads  shaved,  and  have 
themselves  christened  over  again,  each  as  a  new  man :  Baptist  walks 
off  and  has  himself  rebaptised  in  Gray's  Inn  Lane— 0  !  the  limes  are 
sad !  0,  Ministers  of  our  venerable  mother — keep  quiet  tongues  in 
your  heads,  for  her  sake,  will  youP  0  pious  laymen,  such  as  Denison 
and  Naheb,  do,  do  if  )[ou  can,  restrain  yourselves  from  cursing  so 
freely.  The  people  in  this  country  teill  learn  to  read  and  write;  they 
will  not  let  the  parsons  set  their  sums  and  point  out  their  lessons,  or 
meddle  in  all  their  business  of  life :  and  as  for  your  ou*  cries  about  iu- 
fidelity  and  atheism,  they  will  laugh  at  you  (liS  long  as  they  keep  their 
temper,)  aud  mind  you  no  more  than  Mumbo  Jumbo. 


THE  WATDR  KINGS. 

Correspon- 
dent of   the 
7iW<  suggests 
that      having 
caused    tne 
overthrow    of 
the     Railway 
King,   it  is 
now   time    to 
free  ourselves 
from  the  des- 
potism of  the 
lliver     Gods» 
who  tTranoise 
over  the  com- 
munity.    The 
water   ques- 
tion   is     one 
that    comes 
home  to  our  hearts  and  our  hearths,  our  cisterns  and  our  tea-kettles.  If 
we  go  on  drinking  poison  at  the  present  rate,  the  Bur^lvors  will  begin  to 
rfsrarJiheir  tefiL-urns  ^6ftQ  many  urns  to  the  meisiory  of  departed  relatives. 
We  suapeot  that  there  ore  sevt^ral  cocsigued  aunubUy  to  a  Thames 
!  watery  grave,  without  their  being  in  the  least  aware  of  the  liquid  being 
the  cause  of  their  liquidation  of  the  debt  of  nature. 
I     It  is  bad  enough  to  oe  poisoned,  but  it  is  still  worse  to  have  to  par 
!  an  enormous  price  for  the  lethiferous  trash,  which,  laid  on  through 
leaden  pipes,  renders  the  "piping  times  of  peace"  more  deadly  than 
war  to  the  water  drinker.    The  rates  are  fearfully  high,  and  if  you  seek 
r(  dress  at  the  fountain  head,  the  New  River  head  is  the  only  one  that  is 
accessible.    The  water  despotism  must  be  overthrown ;  we  must  revolt 
against  the  aquatic  authorities  who  have  usurped  the  fork  of  Neptune, 
which  they  only  use  to  make  the  public  fork  out  as  much  as  possible^ 


A  Few  Stumbling  Blocks  in  the  Path  of  Tame. 

BT  ilR.  BRIKFLESS. 

Beino  engaged  as  junior  in  a  cause,  and  finding  ourself  described  in 
the  papers  of  ilie  following  day  as  *' another  learned  gentleman." 

Going  into  Court  without  our  wig  and  gown,  to  hand  a  compute  to 
the  Usher,  who  tells  us  that  "those  things  can't  be  taken  from  the 
attorney's  clerk",  but  must  be  handed  in  by  a  barrister." 

Having  a  half  guinea  motion,  and  refusing  it  on  the  plea  of  "other 
retainers  eliewhere^"  the  real  tact  being  that  it  does  not  pay  for  the 
sake  of  a  solitary  ten-and-six  to  incur  the  usual  charge  of  one  pound 
nineteen  for  the  robing-room. 

Having  to  open  the  door  to  a  client  while  our  clerk  has  gone  out 
for  a  lobster,  aud  the  clerk  bursting  into  the  room  with  the  lobster  just 
M  we  are  quoting  "Cbibb's  Digest" 

8ATIN0S  without  DOINGS. 

"  I  SHOUU)  just  like  to  pay  you  off,"  as  John  Boll  said  to  the 
National  Debt. 

"  I  wish  I  oonld  get  things  into  the  right  train,"  m  the  Unpro- 
XKCTEit  FiMALS  stid  to  herseU  when  she  uw  her  luggage  going  away 
from  ber  in  all  dinctioas. 


LOUIS-NAPOLEON  "  SPARE  THAT  TREE." 

The  Parisians  must  be  getting  as  nervous  as  a  lot  of  old  aspens ; 
for  there  is  continually  something  happening  to  fri(?hten  them  out  of  a 
portion  of  the  few  senses  that  may  still  remain  to  them. 

Within  the  last  few  days  considerable  excitement  has  been  caused 
by  the  removal  of  some  of  those  eyeeores— the  dead  trees  of  liberty. 
Upon  some  of  them  had  been  placed  various  flags  and  revolutionary 
emblems,  which  being  hoisted  to  the  top  of  the  high  trees,  were 
regarded  by  the  Government  as  little  less  than  high  treas-on.  The 
disaffected  on  the  other  hand,  thought  Louis -Napoleon  guilty  of  a 
design  to  cut  up  the  Republic  root  and  branch  hy  laying  the  axe — 
without  aieing  the  permission  of  the  people— to  the  trees  of  Ubertjr. 
For  our  own  parts  we  think  that  if  these  sorry  symbols  of  the  Republic 
are  not  likely  to  flourish  or  put  forth  foliage,  it  is  quiie  as  well  that  they 
should  be  compelled  to  take  their  leaves  by  order  of  the  authorities. 


NELSON'S  "HORATIA." 


Punch  is  a  little  embarrassed  by  the  communication  of  a  "  Constant 
Reader" — albeit  very  flattering  to  Punch,  ^nd.  very  indicative  of  im- 
pulsive generosity  on  the  part  of  the  aforesaid  "  Header ;"  of  whom 
Punch  has  to  request  an  early  line,  that  the  "  Reader's  "  communication 
may  be  returned  to  him.  Pauch  being  desirous  in  this,  and  in  all 
matters,  of  no  other  testimonial  than  the  rewarding  sympathy  of  his 
Readers,  and  tlie  approval  of  his  own  conscience. 

In  default  of  ihe  "  Reader"  not  seeing  the  above — or  seeing  it,  not 
acting  upon  it— the  communication,  though  at  present  very  perplexing 
to  Punchy  will  be  forwarded  to  the  benefit  of  some  object  that  may 
make  the  best  and  speediest  use  of  the  difficulty. 

A  line,  however,  is  earnestly  regueated  from  a  "  Constant  Reader"  a 
line  recapitulating  the  substance  of  his  former  letter,  that  there  may  be  no 
mistake  in  the  person  replying  to  this,  PunckU  emphatic  solicitation. 


Another     Case  "  for  the  Protectionists. 

Wb  read  the  other  day.  in  one  of  those  amusing  miscellanies,  a  "  City 
article,'*  that  pepper  was  getting  up,  and  we  foresaw  at  once  that  the 
Protectionists  would  have  a  good  cry  directl;?  they  set  their  eyes  on 
pepper.  They  will  of  course  bewail  the  additional  difficulty  of  getting 
their  rents  in  those  oases  where  the  rent  is  a  pepneroom,  aud  with  a 
frantic  shout  of  "Look  at  pepper"  they  will  dedare  they  are  beina 
ground  down  worse  than  ever.  There  is  no  fear  that  tiie  artiob  vill 
maintain  too  high  a  price,  for  pepper  is  about  the  last  thing  that 
will  pay  for  through  the  note  very  readily. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


63 


PUNCHES  PARLIAMENTARY  HODGE  PODGE. 

To  EviE^  One  Ge^etln*;:  Tho  Parlieiment  meelinf, 

Puitei  oriien  hia  faithful  reporler*  reporter, 
Wbile  no^hinif  mit-itar^infr,  to  RtTe  the  dehatinff, 

BufccuHioff  the  Bpeeches  much  shorter,  much  shorter. 

In  the  strife  and  the  UmEness,  there  'a  always  »  ^ameneaB, 

Anolher  day's  very  like  one  day,  like  onr  dny  s 
So  after  some  weedinga»  we  giTe  the  praceedingp, 

In  the  w<^  that  they  h^ppeaed  on  Monday,  oa  Monday, 

With  Eloquence  manly,  up  rose  'he  Lord  StakIxt, 
And  t&iVed  nhoat  Ar>MiHir  PAiiKfcii,  ye5,  Fabkbr  ; 

Some  papers  he  wanted — thoiigh  pap«ta  when  grantedj 
Will  oflea  make  matters  much  darker^  muck  darker, 

Then  came  MAaQUT^^  Lansdow^se  with  look  soft  »s  swanB-down, 
Trust  tng  quarrels  wilh  Giept^e  would  be  ftfetinp,  quite  fleeting ; 

The  docrumonts  ^ranlia;;  Loild  Staklev  was  waatinf. 
The  nuitter  ihm  pleaaatitly  meeii&g,  ft*,  meetis^. 

Diaenssioa  procefclled,  thoiijuh  none  couM  He  needled : 
Lord  LANSDOWjiE'e  compliance  had  s'opp*d  iJ,  hftditopp'd  U; 

Bufc  [fBe  or  tfO  meiiil>er5  kept  poking  ilie  embers, 
TiU  thtir  Lordships  conciuHvely  dropp'd  it,  j*s,  droppM  it. 

Oa  the  vsTf  same  ni^iih  too*  a*  tliey  had  a  rii^ht:  t:o, 
The  Commons  'bout  Gref  ce  had  oeen  askings,  been  asking ; 

LofttJ  Paltiteh&ton's  readiuefla,  with  obctittftte  »te*ditiesi, 
Mn.  GiASON  adroitly  waa  ta^kingr,  WM  taskingi 

Thfn  MiaiEB  Disjlasu  detemitnintr  gaily 

To  physic  Los.n  P.  as  wifb  s^nna»  with  acnna; 
Said,  relations  with  Turkey  look'd  gloomy  aid  murky. 

At  weU  aa  with  Spain  and  Yiensft,  yienna. 

Ncit  AxsTET,  calt'J  CriisHOLM.  delightiDK  in  schism, 

A  word  iutroductd  'bout  Moldavia,  Moldavia ; 
When  Paxwerston'  coolly  put  down  the  unruly, 

With  hia  ttflual  off-band  beliaviour,  behaviour. 

The  addrcia  Ihe  report  on.  no  sooner  tu  brought  on. 
Than  there  rose  with  a  look  of  dejection,  dejection. 

MiSTZR  Packe,  who  Umented  in  tenna  disEOLtentcd, 
The  loss  of  his  dear  friend  Protection,  Protection, 

Mfl.  HuiiE  in  repijinK  io  Mister  Packers  sigliin?. 
Demanded  Reform  from  Loud  Hiissell,  LduD  KussELl, 

Which  aet  many  serkingat  once  toJfc  spfakiog, 
And  threw  the  House  into  a  bustle,  a  bustle. 

Then  both  sides  together  got  arffnin^,  whether 
Free  Trade  was  ag^od  or  a  bad  Ihimc.  abad  thing; 

There  rose  aueh  a  bother,  'twiit  one  and  the  other, 
The  confaaion  was  really  a  sad  thing,  a  sad  thing. 

LoBB  KcssELL,  however,  by  earnest  endeavour. 

In  answering  questions  succeeded,  succeeded. 
Proceeding  to  mention— he  thought  an  extension 

Of  the  franchise,  at  present,  not  needed,  not  needed. 

Next  came  some  orations  and  small  observations. 
Evincing  no  wondrous  discernment,  discernment ; 

And  a  member  who  woke  up,  the  niglit's  business  broke  up, 
By  moving  at  once  the  adjournment,  adjoumment. 


THAMES  WATER  IN  THE  NURSERY  AND  THE  GARDEN. 

"  Esteemed  Sik, 

'*  As  you  do  not  always  reject  scientific  communvcations,  I 
venture  to  submit  to  you  a  curious  case  iUuAtraLiug  the  compafativQ 
£fft*ct  of  Thames  water  on  auimul  and  vrpfetahle  Hfe.  I  took  my  house 
—  wbich  derives  its  water-supply,  throuf^h  a  Company,  from  the  Thames 
— about  a  year  a^,  1  bad  scarcely  beeu  in  it  sit  inoatba,  when  my 
chlldren'fl  growth  seemed  to  have  stopped,  and  they  had  become  en- 
dentjy  emaciated.  My  doctor  ascribed  tjjcse  alarming  symptoms  to 
tbc  watrr  we  drank.  Behind  my  house  I  have  a  little  back  i^Arden, 
with  cabbages  in  it.  Not  far  from  our  reaidence  there  is  an  Artefian 
well.  The  doctor  recommended  mo  to  give  the  w^ell-wafep  to  the 
cluidren,  and  ttie  Thamea-water  to  the  cabbagea.  His  adtice  was 
followed,  with  equal  benefit  to  my  plants  and  my  progeny.  Tbe  latter, 
on  leavinf  off  Tnanies  water,  800q  rcRainpd  flesh ;  the  fonner,  on  being 
supplied  with  it,  bef  an  to  vegetate  I  nsuriantt J,  I  wonder  what  those 
peculiar  principlea  can  be  ilk  tbe  water  of  the  Thames,  wbich,  wUikt 
they  s^unt  the  humaa  frame,  are  so  highly  nutririous  to  vegetable  P 
Can  you  inrorm 

"  Your  fervent  Admirer,  Simom  PurbF" 

•#*  Th*  peculiar  principles  contained  in  Thames  wa*cr,  in  addition 
to  their  more  useful  [yropoTties,  evolve  such  a  quantity  of  aulphujetlwl 
hydrogen  gas,  which  is  inflamTnable,  that  if  the  River  continues  much 
longer  to  be  tue  receptacle  of  the  London  sewage,  we  beiievc  even  our 
Cofttapondent  will  be  able  to  set  it  on  fire. 


THE  CREDIT  OF  AN  EMPEROR. 

Cub  dingv  friend,  Souloxtqtje,  having  got  tired  of  a  tub  for  his 
throne,  whicn  furnished  a  butt  for  ridicule,  has  been  sending  orders  to 
Paris  for  splendid  upholstery,  to  uphold  his  imperial  dignitv.  Tbe 
furniture  was  put  in  hand,  but  the  manufacturers  want  tbe  casn  to  be 
in  hand  as  well  as  the  furniture.  Soulou^tte  having  been  called  upon 
for  a  remittance,  and  being  almost  as  destitute  of  money  as  he  is  of 
clothes,  sent  off  a  cargo  of  sugar,  in  the  hope  that  it  would  sweeten 
anyihing  like  bitterness  on  the  part  of  his  creditors.  The  Parisian 
tradesmen  were,  however,  not  to  be  done  by  anythiog  so  raw  as  a  lot 
of  brown  sugar,  and  have  returned  it  all  on  SoiTLOtrquz's  hands,  who 
has  no  wav  of  showing  his  anger  but  by  his  black  looks,  which  we  need 
not  say  are  quite  lost  m  the  distance.  He  is  rather  disgusted  at  the 
manofacturers  bemg  so  excessively  reluctant  to  part  with  their  fur- 
niture, and  be  thislu— though  he  has  not  said  as  much— that  persons 
who  are  so  ohary  of  their  chairs  and  tables,  must  be  most  un^ari-table 
(Attneters.  Instead  of  •cadiiw  out  the  fmttituUt  and  easy  lonogea,  he 
oider^  thM  hav«  by  their  remsal  of  credit,  girea  hiss  a  wttiBt  down 
of  %  yvn  Admit  nalnre. 


AFFAIES  OF  HUNGARY. 

TnE^E  afairs  have^  sltogetfaer,  been  treated 
fn  ihe  Hoiiie  of  Commcna  with  a  vpifit  of 
pleasantry  ttiat  iMtructively  proves  the  truth 
of  Fieltjtkg'.^  aiiom,  that  tber«  are  many 
ptoplfi  who  can  bear  tbe  Diisforlunes  of  their 
neighbours  like  Christians.  Shooting  of 
brave  soldiers,  hanging  of  venerable  leaalists 
and  judges,  atid  scourging  on  the  naked  back, 
under  the  glaring  eyes  of  a  savage  soldiery, 
ircives  and  mothers — l]ioite:U  mortal,  horrible 
BTid  loattiaonie  to  the  suiTerers,  m&y  b*  very 
placidly  talked  about  —  Jiay,  eloquently  de- 
fended, 1o  "a  frigid  house"  by  membera  of  a 
British  parliament. 

Thus  Lord  Dt*m.ET_  Stuart  made  his 
fitatement  of  ihe  atrocities  suffered  by  Hun* 
gAry  at  ihe  iccamadine  hands  cf  the  Eu- 
TEEOB  OP  AusrrtiA— (hia  Lordship  read  over 
the  list  of  death) — a  terrific  caialogue,  to 
startle  Kaisers  at  some  time — when — 

Lord  C.  Hamilton  wondered  at  anybody 
who  could  think  ill  of  the  EsfFEBOR  or  Aus- 
tria I    The  House  (Lord  S.  must  acknow- 
ledge) was  as  cool  as  a  cucumber,  with  all  his  i>other  about  Hungary. 
And  who  could  think  Austria's  young  Emperor  any  other  than  an 
Imperial  flower— the  very  pink  of  Potentates— a  perfect  gentleman  P 

He.  Disraeli  said  the  whole  matter  was  ridiculous.  Some  noisy 
people  bad  been  hung  and  shot  and  whipped  in  Hungary !  Well,  hadn't 
people  been  shot  andflogged  in  Ceylon?  If  there  were  lialters  and  cats 
in  Hungary,  were  there  not  halters  and  cats  under  English  dominion 
in  the  East  ?  People  who  could  not— as  he  could— look  upon  these 
matters,  and  generalise  them  with  a  philosophic  spirit,  addbg  thereto  a 
shake  of  Cayenne  and  a  squeeze  of  lemon, — people  who  could  not  do 
this,  were  people  of  a  very  narrow  mind,  and— pcrhap^  he  was  very 
sorry  for  them. 
Aiid  here,  for  the  present,  the  matter  (bleeding  Hungary)  rests. 


Our  Ooloners  Experience. 


Wz  are  delighted  to  find  our  old  friend,  Colonbl  Sibthobp,  on  his 
legs  again,  overwhelming  the  Government  with  inoffensive  abuse 
apropos  of  any  and  every  question  before  the  House.  Alluding  to  the 
Commission  for  the  Grand  Industrial  Display  to  take  place  next  year, 
the  Gallant  Colonel  is  reported  to  have  said — 

"  If  luch  were  to  b«  the  oomponent  parts  of  tb«  Commlwtoa  fat  woald  only  angnr, 
for  experience  bad  made  him  wise,  that  there  would  be  tuHblng  but  tmk  um 
mKDoeuvre." 

We  hope  our  Colonel  will  not  rejteat  this.  There  is  a  certain  sort 
of  persons  who  are  proverbially  said  to  be  made  wise  by  experienoe. 
We  would  not  hear  <Hir  Colonel's  enemy  class  him  with  such,  nor  «hall 
he,  with  our  acquiescence,  do  our  ear  that  violence. 


PUNCH'S  PRIZE  PALETOT. 

A  pRi7.e  of  Five  HuNuaEO  Pounds  worth  of  rccommendaiion  ii 
offered  by  3/r.  PhhcH,  of  85,  Flccl  S'rect,  liOndon,  for  tbc  best 
vpecitutiD  of  a  Palktot,  to  be  exhibited  at  the  Great  Kxhibitiou  of 
iSnl. 

Condition  1.  That  a  jury  comptowd  of  l3  men  =12  tailors,  six  of 
whom  ahall  be  masters.  an<l  six  journeymen,  shall  be  empanelled  to 
adjudicate  on  the  merits  of  the  competini^  garments. 

Condition  S.  That  the  Paletot,  as  reii:ard.s  pecuniary  figure,  shall  be 
reasonably  adjusted  lo  the  pocket  of  Mr.  Punch's  nether  ^iLrmenls. 

Condition  3.  That  the  Paletot  shall  be  cfilculated  to  wear  some  lill!e 
time  without  bursting  at  the  seams,  or  getiiug  threadbare,  or  the  lining 
becoming  dclactied  from  the  cloth. 

Condition  4.  That  the  Paletot  shall  be  adapted  to  display  to  iht; 
greatest  advantage  the  elegant  proporrions  of  the  person  of  Aft:  PuH<:h. 

Condition  5.  That  the  Paletot  shall  be  of  such  a  texture  as  to  impart 
perfect  comfort  to  Mr,  Funrh's  senaitiye  skin. 

Condition  0.  That  it  shall  impart  the  fame  agreeable  feeling  to  Mr. 
PuHch'i  equally  sensitive  nerves  and  conscience. 

Condition  7.  That  the  preceding  condition  may  bo  sat  is  fact  only 
guaranteed,  the  worknten  who  made  the  several  Paletots  Ahall  be 
protluceJ,  and  testify  that  none  of  those  vestments  were  worn  by  them 
in  the  QuikiDg  for  want  of  other  clothes,  and  whilst  bfllicted  with  a 
catching  di&order.  Also,  that  for  thtrir  hibuur  in  the  niauufaulure  of 
the  Paletot  they  were  paid  fairly  by  their  employers. 

Condition  8.  The  Priu-Palctot  sluiU  be  called  the  Gentleman's  Wrap 
per,  to  distinguish  it  from  the  Wrap-ltascalB,  or  those  cheap  Ptdctots,  of 
which  the  cheapness  is  obtained  by  starvation  wages,  atul  which  are 
bought  with  a  knowledge  of  that  circumatancc. 


Ctiiiocs  Inconsistkkcv.— It  U  singular  that  the  Protecliooisla 
should  make  such  a  fuss  about  British  ludualry,  whilst  they  them- 
icivea  are  lo  oompltttelj  abroad. 


A  nuMOUB  having  got  into  circulation  that  this  respectable  membe. 
of  the  UoroloRical  Society  was  sutfering  from  an  mteroji  complwnt 
which  had  deprived  him  ol  the  use  of  both  his  hands,  a  letter  ha*  bed 
wrilten  to  the  'ftmes  by  his  physician,  Mji,  Ukst,  who  has  had  liis  cas 
— we-menn  the  clock-case— under  treatment.  It  seems  that  the  palicnf. 
like  many  other  iuhabitants  of  the  City  of  London,  hud  been  injured  by 
want  of  attention  to  cleanliness,  the  dirt  standing  nearly  an  mch  thick 
on  his  face  and  hands,  and  tiiere  being  such  an  accumulaUon  of  particlf  a 
in  tlioso  passages  which  ought  to  have  been  quite  free,  that  how  he  liaa 
gone  on  so  long  is  quite  a  miracle.  .         ■.-     .       .    r 

We  have  ourselves  been  to  visit  the  clock  twice  wiihm  twcMj-lour 
hours,  and  we  were  glad  to  (ind  he  had  come  round  completely.  We  are 
happy  to  hear  that  the  Greahain  Comnattee  hare  set  a  waioli  upon  the 
Clock,  and  that  Mil.  Dent,  the  pliysician.  is  directed  to  "look  np 
now  and  then  through  a  glass  sky -lighv,  in  order  to  sec  wUet.ber  U 
Ecrvicea  may  be  required. 


Bailway  Punctuation. 

Theue  is  nothing  that  has  so  little  punctuality  about  Haa  railway 
punciuAtiou,  a  truth  of  which  every  line  ol  BaADsnAw's  (Ji^iatf  furnishes 
frequent  instances.  The  other  day.  on  the  North  Kent,  the  tnun  was 
out  in  its  punctuation,  and  was  brought  to  d  dead  btond-atdl  from  a 
deliciency  of  steam  power,  or  in  other  words,  it  came  to  a  lull  stop  tor 
want  of  a  coal-on.  There  were  several  notes  of  exclamation  and  inter- 
rogation from  the  passengt-rs ;  but  the  guard  could  not  or  would 
exphiia  the  cause  of  the  full  stop,  which  so  much  curtailed  Uto 
comma-dation  of  the  passengers. 


II 


top  tor 

inter- 

Id  not 

m 


FEARroL  Inundation.— The  most  ruinous  inundation,  and  Ilia 
largest  destruction  of  property  that  has  occurred  for  some  Imie,  has 
boeo  occasioned  within  the  lust  year  or  two  by  the  Hudson  having 
overflowed  its  own  banks,  and  exhausted  nearly  everybody  else  seoaen. 


THE  FREE-TRADER'S  VALENTINE. 


COBDEN. 

LoTBur  maiden  looL  not  ihjt  Turn  not  angrily  away ; 

Kindly  unto  me  indiuc:  Peftce  uid  plenty  shall  be  tbino, 

I  can  pive  you  reasons  vliy  If  you  will  but  sweetly  eny 

You  &liOuld  bo  my  Valenliae,  You  vill  be  my  Valentine. 


AGRICULTURE. 


M 


Ov  yonr  wordi  1  will  rely,  I  '11  to  bouachold  wants  attend. 

Nor  for  ooid  Proteotiou  pme  ;  All  good  things  in  mc  oombU 

Ita  forebodings  I  defy,  Mutton,  beef,  and  beer  I'll  «« 

You  shall  be  my  Valentine.  To  my  failiiful  Valentine- 


PUNCH.  OB  THE  LONDON  CHAMVARL 


67 


SCENES  FEOM  THE  LIFE  OP  AN  UNPEOTECTEL 
FEMALE, 

Mb.  JoHXa  ia*  a  library  frteiid,  Gbidbles,  icAo  haa  a  Comedy  hroughi 
imi,  and  hat  **  Idl  Mb.  JovBa'a  name  "  for  a  private  box  on  the 
eccation.  Ms.  Jonks  ^u  persuaded  ike  Unprotected  Feuale  to 
aeeompan^  him.  The  IfNpaoTECTBD  Female  m  vnder  the  impranon 
that  Jones  ka»  gallantly  paid  for  ike  box^  and  Jones  u  under  the 
imprenion  that  m  need  not  dUabuse  her  of  suck  notion. 

SCBVE.  Outtide  t^ike  Theatre,  viti  the  veual  scene  of  contrary  behaviour 
on  the  part  if  the  vehicles,  their  hontt,  and  drivers.  The  Unpeotec- 
TEB  Feualk  is  in  great  terror  by  the  side  qf  "}&.%,  Jokes. 

Onbman  {outside).    Yah— StoopM— now  then— where  are  you  ashovin' 
to  P—        [Politeness  forbids  our  following  this  "  interpellation  **  further. 
Unprotected  Female  {shudders).  What  dreadful  UsRuage  1 
Mr.  Jones.  Disgusting  !  {Chivalrously.)  I  mast  suence  these  nifilaiis. 
iHahes  a  violent  attempt  on  tkefroiU  unndow  c/*  the  Cab,  and  hat  hit 
hoi  crushed  several  timet  in  the  untuceestful  ^ort  to  open  it. 
Unprotected  Female  {admiriaa  his  energy,  hut  dreading  the  contegueneet). 
Ob,  pray  don't  mind  it,  M&.  Jones,  for  my  sake— I  don't  care— indeed 
I  dQn*l--<^  fresh  interchange  qf  foul-mouthed  repartee  among  the  cabmen, 
&oO  Oh— It 's  dreadful ! 

BiU-Seller  {ftppearing  and  disappearing  at  the  cab  window).   Bill  of 
the  play,  Maam— Bill  of  ihe  play.  Sir— only  a  penny— 
Jonet  {sternly).  No,  woman,  we  don't  want  one. 
Unproteeted  Female.  Oh— she  '11  be  crushed ! 
Bill-Seller  {reappears).  Bill  of  the  play.  Ma'am— 
Unprotected  Female  {in  horror).  Oh,  gracious,  she's  got  a  baby— and 
an  aruifull  of  play-bills,  and  a  basket  of  oranges. 
Jones  {still  more  sternly).  Go  away,  do,  woman,  we  don't  want  one. 
[During  all  this  time,  the  cab  not  been  performing  a  seriet  qf  sticks, 
jolts,  bumps,  curoels,  sudden  pulls  up,  sudden  starlings  forward, 
grindings  of  the  curbstone,  ^c.,&'c^  ^c,  to  the  grieoous  discom- 
posure of  ihe  XJNPiOTECTED  Femalb,  whose  only  confort  it 
Mh.  Jones.    Bis  conduct  it  firm  and  dignified.     Cab  stops. 
Unprotected  Female.  Thank  goodness. 
Mr,  Jones  {jumping  gallantly  out).  Now.  my  dear  Madam. 
[UMPaOTECTED  Femalx,  who  really  looks  very  well,  dretted  for  the 
play,    scuds    under    the  portico*  Jones  pays  something,  and 
follows  her. 
Cabman  i following  him).  Hollo — wot's  this?  {Gating  helpleuly and 
ignorantlyaiJdv^Sos^i'aeighteen-pence.)  'Ere— yoa—   [-^Ki^  Jones. 
Jones  {in  a  withering  manner).   Go  about  your  business, — you  black- 
guard ! 
Umroteeted  Female.  Oh— dear — please — 

Cabman.  Two  bob 's  t  he  fare,  ana  it  ort  to  be  arf-a-crowu  for  a  female ! 
Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  give  it  him — please— do  anything — 
[A  small  crowd  of  Hnkmen,  orange  girls,  ^c-j  §rc.,  has  gathered,  and 
enioys  the  conversation. 
Jones  {who  cannot  bear  to  be  imposed  on).  Why,  you  scoundrel,  it 's 
within  the  mile  and  a  half. 

Cabman.  Pay  me  my  fare,  will  yer  P— you  calls  yourself  a  gentleman — 

yah— you  calls  her  a  lady— I  dessay.  {Sticks  his  tongue  im  hit  ekeek. 

Jones  {pausing  for  words  to  express  his  wrath).  Oh,  you — by  JoVE — 

Unprotected  Female  {clasping  his  arm  passionately).  Oh— please — pay 
him.    Ob — ijlease. 
Jones{feeiing  his  helplestness).  Ob,  you  blackguard.    I  '11 — 

IPays  him,  in  the  most  awful  state  of  mind. 
[Cab1£an  winks  at  the  group  of  listeners,  remounts  his  box,  and  drives 
off  amidst  general  approbation.  M&.  Jones  guides  ihe  Unpeo- 
TECTED  r^VALB  ihto  the  House.  Having  beeen  accustomed  to 
pay  to  the  fit,  he  has  a  very  vague  notion  where  to  apply  for  his 
Box.  He  passes  the  Money-Iaksk. 
Money-Taker.  Hollo!  here— now,  you  Sir! 

Jonet  {in  a  haughty  and  arittociatie  manner).  Oh  1  it's  a  private  box. 
Money'Taker.  Show  yoat  ticket. 

Jones  {with  some  hsmiliation).  Oh  I  I've  no  tjoket.    My  name 's  left. 

Money-Xnker  {sutpidoutly).  Oh.—wait.    Here !  {Calls.)  Boxkeeper ! 

Unproteeted  Female  {shrinking  into  a  comer,  and  feeling  that  she  and 

Mk.  Jones  are  rank  impostors).  Oh,  gracious  1  1  thought  you  had  a 

ticket? 

Jonet.  Ob  no  1  my  name 's  left.    It 's  all  the  same.    Confound  it  1 
Where 's  the  Box-keeper  P 

Money-Taker  {having  lotf  all  respect  for  Ma.  Jones  and  hit  party). 
Stand  back,  Mann.    Sir,  you  musn't  block  up  the  way — 

Unprotected  Female  {suddenly  mshing  she  had  not  come).    Oh  1  really, 
Mb.  Jones-  [Box-Kbepeb  arrivet  with  hit  list. 

Money-Taker  {pointing  to  Jones).  Now ! 
^Mf .  M&.  Jones's  box  P    Ify  name 's  left  for  a  box. 
JBoS'JCteper  {examining  kit  litf).  No  such  name  on  the  list. 

[JoNU  ttandt  coi^finmM, 


UttproUctfd  Femah.  Oh !  please— Had'nt  we  better  pay  or  go  back- 
er souiethinff.  Oli,  why  did  you  ? — And  where 's  your  aunt,  and  your 
brotberin-law.  Smith,  and  the  rest  of  the  pwty  that  was  to  nave 
ujetua?    Oh!  really — 

JoHis  {in  itfjjeci  eatfution).  Oh,  it 's  very  annoying-hut  couldn't  I 
^te  somebody  P    1%  Mr.  Guddles  in  the  house  P    X  must  see  Ms. 

Bcj^Afefier.  He  'e  not  here.    He  '11  be  behind. 

Jojie.9:  Oh  I  which  is  the  way  behind?    I'U  go — 

Bcx-Kefper  {eontemptuously).  You  go  out  again,  and  then  round  the 
corner— fourth  door.  [Jones  it  rushing  ^, 

bttprotected  Feiaate.  But  I'm  not  to  be  left  here,  in  this  way,  and  all 
ihe  people  froini^  in  and  out.    Oh,  really — 

Jones  {fooihingly].  For  one  minute— my  dear— madam,  only  a  minute. 

[fie  abandons  her. 

Unprotected  Ffmale,  Oh,  I  'm  sure  if  I  'd  known,  I  'd  never— {J party 
entfts.)  Oh,  if  any  body  comes  that  knows  me,  what  will  they  think  P 

„, ,    .  ,  iWnter  another  party, 

Nderljf  Gentteman.  Mb,  Smith's  box. 

Unprotected  Female  {with  sudden  conviction).  Oh,  that  must  be  bis 
brothfrin-law,  Smith.  0\l— {Seising the EukiBLT  GxNTUtifAN's arm) 
la  it  Mk.  Joi^isa'a  Mil.  Smith? 

Eidirljf  Genii  man  [much  ttaggered).  Sh— hollo!  what? 

Eiderly  Gt«ilman*s  Wife  {muck  seandaHted).  la  the  woman  drunk  ? 

Unprotected  temale.  Oh,  please,  is  it  Mb.  Jones's  brother-in-law— 
because  we  expected  you,  and  he's  gone,  somewhere— I'm  sure  I 
dou't  know  anyliiing  &bout  it— but  I'm  loft.  Oh,  arc  you  Mb.  Jones's 
Mh.  Smith  P 

J^fderly  GetUteman  {very  savagely).  No,  I'm  not  anybody's  Mb.  Smith. 

Elderly  Gentkmsn'i  Wife  {very  much  amaud).  Mb.  Jones's  Mb. 
Smith,  mdsed  ! 

[They  stpeep  on  into  the  Theatre,  leaving  the  XJnpbotected  Female 
in  CDfifiition  and  abandonment. 

Re-enter  Jomss,  radiant. 
Jones.  Here  it  is— here 's  the  ordei^--all  right    1  've  seen  Gbiddles. 
[TJnfroti:ctei>  Fxmalb.  too  glad  to  find  any  protection,  followt 
Jones  without  remonttranee. 
Boat-Keeper  {cer^  iovd),  Gbiddias'  party  ! 

Unprotected  Female  [disgutted  at  being  called  Gbiddles* /wrr^y).  Oh, 
really  ^TAe^  are  rottducted up seoeraljliohls  qf  stairs:  the  Unpbotectei* 
Fjcjialk  Khose  respect  for  JoKES  and  hersef  diminithes  with  every  JHght.) 
Uh,  Mb.  Jones,  hre  we  going  to  the  gallery  ? 

[Joy^s  (*pAy  has  not  yet  recovered  himtelf  from  the  combined  effectt  <^ 

the  Cabm^h  and  the  Monet  Takee,  doet  not  trust  himtelf  to  reply. 

[SciiNE  chavges  (o  the  box,  which  it  on  the  tvpiier,  very  small— very 

dirty,  Jusi  over  a  lustre,  and  commands  a  view  of  only  one-eighth 

^  the  stagef  and  the  crowns  of  the  actors*  heads  within  that 

limited  area, 

Box-Keecer  {shtMing  in  Mb.  Jones  and  the  Unpuotected  Femaia). 
Want  «b4  Sir? 

Uftproteried  Female  {innocently  taking  one).  Thank  yon.  Sir. 
Box-Keeper  {ftHsuenng  an  imaginary  question  as  to  the  price).  What 
you  piva^,  Ma'am. 

Unprotected  Female  (timidly).  There 's  apenny.  ICffers  one. 

Box  Keeper  (with  unutterable  disgust,  to  Jones).  What  yo«  please,  Sir. 
Jtmes  {suddenly  letting  loose  his  pent-up  wrath).  Go  to  the  devil. 

[Hurls  the  bill  at  him. 
Box  Keeper  {Lelween  hit  teeth).  Nice — private-box — company  ! 
Unproteded  Female  {with  a  sudden  desire  to  cry,  and  a  sense  qfpn^ound 
sef-contempt).  Oh— really— and   Where's  your  aunt,  and  your  Mb. 
Smith's  pwty  F 

Jonet  {in  an  under  tone,  andwith  a  sudden  desire  to  precipitate  hsmtetf 
into  ike  Fit}.  'Drat  it  all !    I  don't  know. 

******** 
[A  lapse  of  three  hours  of  a  profoundly  stupid  and  thoroughly  legi- 
fim&te  Gjtaedp  ff  Gbiddles'.  The  green  curtain  falls,  audioes 
Mb.  Jones  and  the  Unprotected  Female  intensely  wretched. 
[Scene  chat^ges  fo  the  outside  qf  the  Theatre.    The  usual  clashing, 
curting,  cutting  in  and  cutting  out.  The  Ukpbotictsd  FEMALE 
stands  in  horror. 
TAnksian.  Now,  itsiy  lad v— call  yer  ladyship's  coach  P    Don't  I  know 
yer  noble  husband— now? 
Jones  {in  a  it^itiorian  voice),  Mb.  Jones's  cab. 
Linkman  {echoing).  Mb.  Jones's  cab. 
1.^^  CaOman.  TUo  Gont  'ailed  me. 
2>i^  Cabman.  No ;  it  was  me  you  took  off  the  rank. 
[  Both  Cabmen,  l^r  the  tnnr.  and  make  preparationt  for  ftyhlinr 
Mr.  Jones  and  each  other. 
Unprotected  FfmnU  {in  utter  despair).  Oh !  please,  either  of  you. 
Jones  iopetting  a  door  <(f  Cab  No.  8).  In  here. 
{Thrmtt  Uhfbotbczu)  FnuLB  m,  and  it  preparinQ  to  follow  her, 
when  he  it  seitedtm  Cabmam  No.  1,  while  Uabkav  Na  ft  hmgi 
tyn  to  the  window  frame,  and  Scm  elotm  on  the  TnHaast, 


63 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Btirothtd  (%Bho  docn  not  danet  the  Polka).  "I  siioitt.D  like  to  punch 

HIS   HEAD— A   CONCEITED   BEAST." 


MR.  HORSMAN'S  ANATOMY. 

An  interesliog  dissection  and  demonstration  of  an  Organised  Humbug 
WM  made  last  week  by  Mk.  Mobsman,  in  the  Hall  of  St.  Stephena' 
Legialative  Society.  The  Humbug  in  question  is  called  the  Ecclesias- 
tical Commission.  Its  organisation  consists  of  certain  Bishops,  com- 
bined with  some  laymen,  distioguisbed  and  undistinguished,  of  the 
Church  of  England :  and  formerly  included  a  Becretarv,  o(  whom  the 
best  that  can  be  said  at  present  is,  non  est  inventus.  Ihe  design  of  its 
formation  was  to  provide  for  spiriiual  destitution ;  instead  of  which  it 
baa  been  employing  itself  cliieny  in  building  palaces  for  Bishops.  With 
a  large  remainder  of  the  funds  of  the  concern  that  were  not  thus  mis- 
applied, the  Secretary  bolted.  Nobody  knows  where  he  is;  nor  does 
it  appear  that  Mr.  Damiel  Fokrester,  or  any  other  such  pursuivant, 
has  oeen  commisBioned  to  find  out.  Happy  Secretary,  in  not  having 
been  a  foreman  that  absconded  with  the  contents  of  hia  employer's  till, 
and  was  had  up  at  the  Central  Criminal  Court,  and  sentenced  to  seven 
years  transportation !  Finis  coronal  opus.  With  such  a  career,  such  a 
secretary,  and  such  a  consummation,  is  not  the  Ecclesiastical  Commis- 
sion, a  regular  Humbug,  a  thorough  Humbug,  a  Humbug  from 
beginning  to  end  ? 


Our  Foreign  Feuds. 

Snubbed  as  we  are  by  Spain,  slighted  by  Austria,  at  odds  with 
Greece,  and  barely  on  speaking  terms  with  the  world  at  large,  unless 
some  very  great  improvement  takes  place  in  our  foreign  relations,  and 
provided — ^to  borrow  a  word  or  two  from  Mr.  Carlyle,— the  next 
Speech  from  the  Throne  is  not  to  be  a  Sham-Speech  concocted  by  a 
Fnantasm- Cabinet  J  the  passage  in  it  alluding  to  the  assurances,  &c., 
received  from  foreign  Powers,  will  run  somewhat  thus : — 

"  I  eontinufl  to  rMelve  fmra  almost  all  foreign  States  aod  Sovereigns  the  mo«t  nn- 
•qpilTOGAl  maniteitatlona  of  diireipect  and  resentment." 


THE  THOUGHTS  OF  A  SILENT  MEMBER. 

I  TUINK  it  is  absurd  quarrellinj^ ;  and  so  by  remaining  silent,  i 
keep  my  friends  and  make  no  enemies.  If  you  wish  never  to  quarrel, 
[  know  of  no  surer  plan  than  never  opening  your  mouth. 

I  think  quarrels  in  the  House  only  bring  disrepute  upon  it.  It  is 
like  a  matrimonial  squabble  in  the  street.  A  large  crowd  collecta, 
cheer?,  shouts,  urges  both  parties  on,  and  laughs  at  them  all  the  while. 
Not  a  person  troubles  liimself  about  the  cause  of  the  row.  It  is  a 
source  of  amusement  to  them  ;  and  they  are  perfectljr  indifferent  which 
side  is  right,  or  which  is  wron^.  It  is  the  same  with  our  squabbles. 
The  nation  does  not  care  one  lot  about  them,  further  than  the  little 
unusement  it  gets  out  of  tuem.  Depend  upon  it  we  are  only 
laughed  at. 

i  think,  however,  that  when  we  do  quarrel — when  we  regularly  make 
a  night  of  it — that  strangers  should  be  ordered  to  withdraw.  It  is  bad 
enough  quarrelling ;  but  I  consider  it  fifty  times  worse  letting  all  the 
irorld  into  the  secret.  If  we  do  make  fools  or  blackguards  of  our- 
selves, there  is  no  necessity  why  everybody  should  know  it.  Why 
cannot  we  quarrel  peaceably,  quietly,  amongst  ourselves?  As  for  the 
reporters,  they  make  half  tlie  mischief.  If  they  hear  anything  bad, 
delicacy  should  teach  them  not  to  say  anything  about  it ;  I  wonder  they 
ure  not  tired  of  circulating  so  many  evil  reports. 

X  think  I  would  not  be  Prime  Minister  for  all  the  world.  What  with 
the  sharp  work,  and  the  immense  grinding,  it  strikes  me  as  the  life  of  a 
continuEtl  grindstone,  which  must  wear  out  tlie  stoutest  blade  in  no  time. 
No  onmibus  horse  is  harder  worked,  and  worse  whipped,  or  more  severely 
pulled  up  when  he  makes  a  stumble.  Besides,  he  gets  no  thanlu,  ex- 
cepting when  he  goes  out ;  I  know  I  should  earn  my  small  portion  of 
thanks  as  soon  as  I  could,  for  I  should  look  upon  myself  as  an  unfortu- 
nate man  who  had  fallen  into  the  ice,  and  that  I  should'nt  feel  comfort- 
able till  I  had  got  myself  well  out  of  it.  I  do  not  think  there  is  much 
chance  of  my  ever  being  Prime  Minister,  but  to  avoid  accidents,  I  shall 
not  try.  I  think  Lord  John  knows  me  better  than  to  suspect  I  would 
take  any  mean  advantage  of  him. 


JOCULAR  LONGEVITY. 

QUE  extraordinary  instances  of  longevity  in 
the  regions  of  facetiae  are  upon  record, 
but  we  rfc  >llect  nothing  in  the  annals  of 
the  venerable  which  comes  up  to  the  follow- 
ing : — There  are  still  living  in  a  burlesque, 
which  shall  be  nameless,  sii  puns  whose 
united  ages  amount  to  425  years.  The 
whole  of  the  puns  may  be  seen  every  even- 
ing in  a  state  of  tolerable  activity,  with  no 
other  signs  of  decay  but  a  shortness  of 
breath,  which  creates  a  necessity  for  the 
omission  of  the  letter  H  in  cases  requiring 
aspiration.  Three  of  the  aged  puns  were 
familiars  of  Old  Joe  Miller,  and  one  of 
them  boasts  that  be  has  assisted  at  every 
performance  of  every  burlesque  that  liaa 
ever  been  written.  We  are  happy  to  tee 
that  the  venerable  character  of  tne  puna 
causes  them  to  be  treated  with  respect  Vy 
the  public,  who  never  smile  even  at  their 
infirmities.  One  of  the  puns  boaats  of 
being  on   the  best   terms   with   several 

members  of  Parliament,  Judges,  and  other  dignitaries,  who  have  always 

a  good  word  or  a  bon  mot  to  say  for  him. 


Lord  Falherston's  broils  are  indeed  pretty  dishes 
the  Queen." 


to  set  before 


Much  of  a  MucHinsss. — Since  the  recent  disclosures  of  gross 
falsehood  practised  b^  Bailway  Boards,  the  term  "lie  direct"  has 
been  amplified  into  "lie  directory." 


WIT  AND  WISDOM  IN  THE  HOUSE  OF  LORDS. 

"  SAriEXZA,"  gentlemen  of  the  rural  districts,  is  Italian  for  wisdom. 
It  is  also  the  name  of  an  island  concerned  in  the  squabble  between  our 
Government  and  Greece.  Now,  you  will  be  enabled  to  perceiye  the 
force  of  the  subjoined  remark  which  the  Earl  op  Aberdeen,  com- 
menting on  Admiral  Parker's  demonstration  at  Athens,  is  reported 
to  have  made  in  the  House  of  Lords.    His  Lordship 

"  Did  not  mwin  to  deny  that  It  might  be  better  for  oar  Government  to  be  In  poaMfMtloit 
of  Sapienza ;  but  even  wlidom  onght  only  to  ba  obtained  by  legitimate  meana." 

This  is  a  rather  vivid  flash  of  that  mild  merriment  that  is  wont  to  lefc 
the  Peers  in  a  titter.  A  faint  coruscation  shows  brightly  in  n  dark 
place.  LoBD  Abekdeen  is  a  "  wit  among  Lords  "  and  a  pretty  ree- 
pectable  commoner  among  wi^a.  It  is  a  pity  that  he  did  not  go  on 
while  he  was  in  the  vein,  and  say  that  Lord  PALVEBflTON  wia  K  lea 
in  the  Pir»ua,  or  would  get  into  a  mess  by  meddling  with  Greeoe. 
Indeed,  our  foreign  policy  in  f^eneral  is  so  absurd  in  itself,  that  tha 
noble  Lord  might,  without  any  impropriety,  have  turned  all  its  poiiita 
into  pons,  and  converted  every  one  of  its  questions  into  oonundmiia. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


"  AN  APPEAL  TO  THE  ARISTOCRACY." 

We  h&te  treason — even  the 
treason  of  ihe  SerT»*nt8' 
Hall.orButler'8P«utry; 
hence,  we  must  express 
our  most  devaatafin^ 
contempt  of  the  princi- 
ple that  has  put  a  goose- 
quill  into  the  traitor- 
ous hand  of  an  individual 
who  has  vritien  and 
published  a  pamphlet 
called — 

"Jn  Appeal  to  the  Ari$' 
torracjf,  the  Upper  and 
Middling  Classes  of  So- 
Hetjf,  to  Remedy  ihe  Ex- 
isliNg  Eoils  Regarding 
London  Servants." 

The  writer  is  an  Ei-Footman,  a  Retired  Jenwss  ;  a  traitor  who  has 
ahed  his  ploshas  a  viper  casts  its  skin,  and  is  now  exultant  tnsms 
viribus—,  or,  to  take  a  free  translation,  ia  now  strutting  in  plwn 
clothi  8.  There  is  no  name  to  the  pamphlet ;  but  the  whole  et^le  of  the 
thing  crawls  with  the  obsequiousness  of  the  most  obsequious  liveryman. 
Every  line  smells  of  the  JEHKiwaoNiAN  hair-powder.  However,  to  give 
our  reader  a  whiff  of  the  fellow's  quality.  Having  knocked  off  the 
House  Steward,  or  Butler.— the  Head  Groom  or  Stud  Groom,  the 
Trainer,  orRjscing  Groom— all  of  whom,  he,  one  and  severallr.  shows  to 
be  worthy  of  no  other  livery  tbau  the  Woolwich  pepper-and-salt, 
turned  up  with  iron  ornaments  at  the  ankles :  after  these,  the  ex-plush 
ruffian  comes  to  "Ladies' Maids."  And  here  he  begins  by  a  warning 
to  all  English  mistresses.    He  says — 

<'  r  am  obliged  to  beUerv,  In  addittoD  to  tfaeM  qiuliflcatloiu.  that,  taking  them, 
Pitdles'  maldiJgeneralljruBelAU,  they  are  alao  not  tho  most  moral  in  the  world. 
There  is  one  I  vonld  e^>eciaU7  extend  to  your  noUce  to  avoid— It  Is  *  the  your.g  and 
preUj/  uomoN,  recommended /rim  tJu  eotmfry  as  a  perfect  treasure,  to  utdike  those  horrid 
I^ondon  Maids:'  this  is  ft  most  dangerous  intruder  .  .  .  But,  as  I  said  before,  we 
must  not  cIrh  them  all  alike ;  at  any  rate, '  the  treasure  from  the  antntry,  so  unlike  those 
horrid  London  Maids,'  Is  beat  avoided.    Indeed,  I  would  much  recou.mend " 

Whaf,  fair  ladies,  think  ye?  What  would  this  traitorous  Jenkins, 
this  fellow  who.  found  out  in  bis  worthlessness,  has  evidently  been  cast 
off  by  some  honest  English  girl,— what  does  this  yellow-plushhearted 
varlet  recommend  P— Listen  :— 

*'  Indeed,  I  would  much  recommend  in  thU  particular  department,  the  services  o/our 
FVeneh  nfighbovrs :  there  is,  rest  assured,  to  all  ladles,  Botnethiug  no  much  more  pleaBing, 
added  to  *  willinff,  light-bearted,  satis/sctory  (lulckneas  and  iatelligence  in  thclrcnlliii^, 
which  is  a  sort  of  second  nature  in  them,  bo  far  preferaUe  to  tlie  comparative  slow 
moTcmeots  and  inordinate  presumptloa  and  vaaity  of  our  countiy  women." 

And  yet,  there  may  be  gratitude  in  this  paltry,  unpatriotic  Jenkins 
The  Koman  twins  were  suckled  by  a  wolf.  The  wnter  of  the  above, 
was,  no  doubt,  wet-nursed  by  a  French  poodle. 

And  what  the  fellow's  remedy  for  the  evils  abounding  in  English 
servants  P  How  would  he  abolish  English  Ladies'  Maids,  casting  them, 
no  matter  to  what  destitution,  to  what  misery,  in  favour  of  the  "  willing, 
light-hearted,  satisfactory  "  services  of  our  French  neighbours  ?  Why, 
he  puts  the  remedy  in  the  way  of  a  question,  and  asks^ 

"  Csn  anything  bo  .more  easy,  or  any  course  mora  simple,  than  the  calling  together  a 
meeting  of  some  of  the  bigtieHt  and  wealthiest  of  our  aristocracy  and  higher  clasies, 
during  the  time  of  tho  Mason  in  London  and  Hittlngs  of  our  Houses  of  Legislature, 
when  they  are  most  likely  to  be  In  nnmbers  on  the  spot." 

And  there  and  then  to  obtain  a  pledge  from  them— 

"  That  they  win  forthwith,  flrom  that  time  forward,  aend  fortheir  house  stewards, one 
and  aU,  and  briefly  state  their  fixed  and  unalterable  determination,  in  consequence  of 
the  change  of  times,  to  discharge  all  those  of  their  domestic  establishment  that  will 
not  nerve  them  at  a  reduced  rate  of  twenty-five  per  cent,  in  all  descripUons  of  wageo, 
■abaiatenee  moneys,  and  the  Uke." 

All  the  English  Ladies'  Maids  of  "comparative  slow  movements  and 
inordinate  presumption,"  being  cashiered,  no  matter  to  what  destiny,  in 
favour  of  the  "  willing,  light-hearted,"  Ladiea*  Maids  of  France. 

JPuneh,  it  may  be  supposcii,  ia  no  friend  to  impressment ;  but  with  a 
view  to  a  proper  rewarii  being  vouchsafed  to  the  ex-pantry  writer  of  the 
*'  Appeal,  PuHfik  would  propose  that  the  traitor  be  immediately  sought 
for  and  seized,  and  kept  in  safe  keeping,  until  a  certain  ship  be  said 
to  sail  for  Van  Dieman's  Land  :  the  ship  that  shall  bear  from  our 
coast  hundreds  of  bAlT-Btsrved,  broken-apirited  Englishwomen.  On 
board  this  ship,  let  the  writrr  bave  a  special  ^pointment;  namely, 
an  appointment  for  the  wiiole  cf  tJie  vcyagf,  tot  to  open  his  mouth 
to  a  female  passenger,  and  ooutinually  to  wring  swabs  in  the  ship's 


THE  WORST  or  TAXES. 

Suppose,  readers,  that  there  existed  a  tax  upon  water,  which,  in'  iti 
operation,  compelled  the  poorer  classes  to  slake  their  thirst  at  cess- 
pi)ols ;  to  drink  sewagr,  and  mere  sewage,  qualified  "  with  no  allaying 
Thames." 

Such  a  fax  there  is,  which  renders  Aving  water— the  knowledges  of 
good  and  truth— dear,  and  so  withholds  tbem  from  the  many  ;  whom  it 
drives  to  s«ili  aboniinable  slush,  replete  with  ail  manner  of  pollution. 

That  tax  is  the  lax  on  paper.  For  a  full  view  of  its  workings,  see 
Mil.  Chaklss  Kmoht*s  remarks  on  "  The  Struggles  of  a  Book  against 
Excessive  Taxation." 

M&.  Knight  shows  that,  by  reason  of  this  impost,  cheap  and  good 
publicatioDs  do  not  pay ;  whilst  the  cheap  and  nasty,  weekly  venled  in 
myriads  by  Ihe  scoundrelhood  of  the  Press,  are  remunerative,  llie 
former  cla*8  of  works  he  typifies— we  thank  him  for  the  use  of  the 
figure— as  the  Fountain  \  the  latter  as  the  Sewer;  and  he  aives  an 
estimate  of  the  comparative  cost  of  their  production.  The  Fountain 
can  only  be  set  up  at  a  considerable  expense,  both  in  materials  and 
architects'  «ages.  The  Sewer  is  established  at  small  charge,  and  fed 
by  scavengers,  for  scavengera'  hire.  The  Sewer  can  be  turned  on,  at  a 
low  rate,  with  profit ;  the  Fountain— in  consequence  of  the  Paper-tax— 
not.  Take  off  the  Paper  Tax,  and  the  Fountain  can  compete  with  the 
Sewer.  If  farther  reason  is  wanted  for  the  removal  of  this  Protection 
to  Literary  Filth,  let  Government  ponder  the  foUowiug  words  of  Mk. 
Knight  :— 

''  upon  a  tolrrmbly  accurate  calculation,  I  hare,  from  my  own  unaided  reaouroea. 
expended  during  ttiu  laxt  twenty  years,  eighty  thousand  pound.i  upon  copyright  ana 
editorial  labonr.  During  the  same  period  1  have  paid  fifty  thousand  pounds  paper  duty, 
which  sum  has  become  a  double  charge  to  me  by  the  inevitable  operation  of  a  tax  upon 
raw  material.  May  I  venture  to  ask  what,  during  these  twenty  years,  tlte  Oovemmeat 
baa  done  for  the  encouragement  of  learning  and  literature,  equal  to  the  sum  wtiicli  it  lias 
exacted  trtxa  me  in  the  shape  of  a  tax  upon  knowledge  f  " 

Mr.  Knigut  ought  lot  to  lose  his  investment.  Some  few  crumbs, 
at  le^st,  of  the  bread  which  he  has  cast  upon  the  waters  should  be 
restored  to  him.  He  asks  not  a  pension,  but  the  repeal  of  the  Paper 
Tax.  Grant  it,  mv  Lords  and  Gentlemen,  and  if  good  instruction  has 
the  effect  it  is  said  to  have,  the  amount  will  soon  be  saved  in  prison 
exprnses.  Bo  an  act  of  justice  to  Mr.  Knight,  and  remove  a  prohi- 
'  birory  duty  on  wholesome  beverages,  and  a  bonus  on  the  sale  of  poison. 


A  MINISTER  IS  INFALLIBLE! 

Lord  Jobn  Kussell  saiil,  last  week.  "  A  Cabinet  Minister  cannot 
be  sorrv  for  his  expressions."  The  old  fable  was,  "A  King  can  do  no 
wrong.  The  new  one  apparently  is,  "A  Cabinet  Minis' er  can  say 
nothing  wrouf"  At  Least,  however  wrong  he  may  talk,  he  need  not 
be  sorrr  for  it.  This  is  a  Utitude  of  speech  which  none  but  a  Minister 
can  itidiiUe  in.  He  may  advance  what  he  likes,  but  will  withdraw  no- 
thing. This  J8  another  reading  of  Finality,  an  expression,  which,  if  we 
remember  right,  Lord  John  una  had  occasion  more  Ihnu  once  to  be 
aorry  for.  Sinrr  LoRD  John  has  a  taste  for  curious  dogmas,  the 
folbviDg  U  perfec'ly  at  his  service: 

"  The  Minister  who  is  never  sorry  for  his  expressions,  makes  at  best, 
but  a  sorry  Minister." 


Bailway  Sipaals. 

We  dare  say  that  out  of  the  various  Railwav  Signals  that  have  been 
invented  by  ingenious  enthusiasts,  we  should  nnd  many  signal  failures, 
but  we  are  not  quite  prepared  to  go  the  length  of  the  Railway  au  ho- 
rities  in  rejecting  all  other  plans,  and  declaring  that  the  break  is  a 
sufficient  means  of  communication  between  the  guard  and  the  engine- 
driver,  pariicuiarly  when  we  recollect  that  the  "  break  "  is  usu^ly  one 
affecting  the  armp,  legs,  and  beads  of  the  passengers. 

"  VouB  en  avez  Henti " 

The  French  papers  of  last  week  tell  us  that  the  above  words,  uttered 
in  the  Chamber  by  M.  Leo  Be  la  Borde^  "caused a  great  sensation." 
We  cannot  but  wonder  at  this.  Considering  that  the  courtesy  is  fiung 
at  somebody's  head  about  once  a  week,  it  only  shows  that,  the  Frencli 
at  least,  «re  not  "  a  people  of  babit." 

aN  OLD  question  settled  at  last. 

Who  is  Miles*  Boy  ? 

Mr.  Hanvard.  Mr.  Bonomi,  and  Mr.  Brees,  are  clearly  "Three 
Miles'  Boys"  Irom  the  fact  of  their  Panoramas  all  running  that 
distance.  

Thb  Extreme  of  Protbctiok.— There  is  a  great  fitness  of  things 
in  Lord  Johm  Manners'  standing  for  Colchester ;  for  his  Lordship 
ia  so  thorough  a  Protectionist,  that,  no  doubt,  he  is  prepared  to  Toie 
for  Protection  to  Native  Oysters. 


I 


7e 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


SAILORS  ON  SHORE  CAROUSING— AS  IT  WILL  BE  WHEN  THK  GROG  IS  STOPPED. 


NOTHING  LIKE  GROG. 

(fit\D  Version.) 

[A  CoHXiTTBE  ol  flag  officers  and  captains,  witli  Adhjkal  Sm  Dtam  Mabtin  in  the 
cbur,  is  nnir  sitting  at  the  Admiralty,  to  pronounce  on  the  expediency  of  reducing  tlin 
nrCMnt  allowaiic*;  of  groR  wliich  is  djiily  RcrveU  out  to  tbti  seamen  of  Ukr  Majkstv's 
Navy,  a  fair  compensation  being  made  to  them  by  n  proportionate  Increase  in  tlie  nmonnt 
of  their  pay  .  .  .  It  is  a  notorious  fact  that  the  majority  of  punlnhmenta  which  take 
place  in  tlie  British  Navy,  ai-o  eitlier  directly  or  indirectly  the  result  of  dmnlcenne^s; 
and  the  transition  from  the  "  chferful  can  "  to  the  cut  of  nine  tails,  js  but  too  freqiu-Dlly 
a  consoquenoe  of  the  Incvitablo  laws  of  cauM  and  effect.— Times. "] 

Avast  !  how  degenVa'e  the  aire  is ! 

What  lubbers  we  soon  sliall  become ! 
They  talk  of  increasin*  our  wages. 

And  low'rin*  our  Mowancc  of  mm. 
Time  wag.  we  Jack  Tabs— when  we  twigg'd  it— 

Perferr*d  liquor  to  pay  or  to  proff, 
And  Ben  Brack,  and  Jack  Ratlin-, 

Bill  Mizbn,  Kit  Catlin, 

And  Bunting,  and  Bowling, 

Like  porpoises  rollinfr, 

Contiayally  swigg'd  it : 
And,  dear  me !  there  'a  nothing  like  grog. 

Of  my  pay  I  had  spent  mv  Ust  guinea, 

And  gone  was  the  whole  of  my  wealth ; 
Says  the  Doctor,  "  Jack  !  don't  be  a  ninny, 

And  drink  out  both  money  and  health." 
To  the  leeward  I  lurch'd— and  he  twigg'd  it— 

And  callM  me  a  sad  drunken  dog. 
And  he  blister'd  and  bled  me, 

On  washy  slops  fed  me. 

And  bade  them  to  shave  me» 

And  physic  he  gave  me. 

Such  stuff! — And  I  swifcg'd  it ! 
But,  dear  me !  'twas  nothing  like  grog. 


The  Chaplain  one  Sunday  was  preachin* 

A  sermon  as  dry  as  old  junk. 
And  me  and  my  messmates  was  teachin,* 

As  how  we  should  never  get  drunk : 
But  I  show'd  him  the  can— and  he  twigg'd  it— 

And  saw  I  was  drunk  as  a  hog. 
When  tipsy,  for  scorning 

His  Rev  rence,  next  morning 

I  had  ten  dozen  lashes, 

And  my  back  was  in  gaslies ; 

And  ail  'cause  I  swigg'd  it : 
And,  dear  me !  there 's  nothing  like  grog. 

Believe  me,  there 's  no  way  like  drinking, 

To  lead  you  to  tliat  side  the  grave  ; 
It  disables  tiie  wisest  from  thinking, 

And  to  Iremblc  it  makes  e'en  tlifi  brave. 
As  for  me — I  suppose  you  have  twigg'd  it — 

From  perpetyalfy  gettin*  agog, 
Never  mind  what  the  weather. 

For  whole  months  together,— 

}Iere  's  mv  hand  all  a-quiver. 

And  I've  oumt  up  my  liver, 

So  hard  hare  I  swigg'd  it; 
But,  dear  me  I  there's  nothing  like  grog. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


71 


A  RUN  OF  BAD  LUCK. 

The  Red  Kepublicana  made  a  futile  effort  a  week  or  two  ago  to 
diiturb  the  peace  of  Parii,  when  the  aoldiers,  laudably  anxious  to  avoid 
bloodibed,  took  the  hint  of  thetr  commaniler  to  diiiperM  the  mob  et 
tht  point  of  the  toe,  Lnatead  of  at  the  point  of  the  bayonet.  We  wish 
we  could  look  upon  the  little  affair  as  literally  the  last  kick  of  the  Red 
Republicans.  The  method  adopted  by  the  miiitary  was  perfectly  sno- 
cessfuJ,  for  the  soldiera  no  sooner  took  to  their  toea,  than  **  the  Red*** 
took  to  their  heels  with  wonderful  rapidity.  The  fugitives,  who  had 
juH  before  been  assuming  an  alarming  attitude,  were  at  once  rendered 
ridioutou5,  eTon  in  the  eyes  of  the  wouieu  of  their  own  party,  and  wi!l 
no  doubt  remember  for  some  time  their  collision  with  a  detachment  of 
foot,  and  its  ignoble  consequences.  We  daxe  say  they  will  attempt  to 
make  out— after  the  fashion  of  their  own  historians — that  they  suffered 
uo  discomfiture  at  all,  and  that  it  was  nothing  bat  their  own  tremendous 
enthusiasm  that  ran  away  wiih  them. 


T   having    struck, 

and  at  the  same 

time,  the  conge- 
nial    minds     of 

several  individu- 
als,  that,  society 

19    divided    into 

classes,    namely, 

the    Class    that 

is  honoured  and 

enriched       with 

pieces  of  plate,  in 

the  wayorTesti- 

nioniai,  and  the 

Class     tliat     is 

not, — 

The  marked  in- 
justice, the  social 

discrepancr,      is 

sought  to  be  re- 
medied and  set 

atraiRht    by  the 

establishment  (in 

confidence)       of 

A   Piece-of-Plato 

Club    that  shall 

at  once  be  Self- 
Fresentinilf  and  Setf-Supportinf .  With  thisView  it  is  thought  desirable 
that  a  Society  be  forniea,  to  l>e  composed  of  a  certain  number  of  indi- 
viduals, who,  having  no  expectation  that  their  Merita  and  Virtues, 
though  intimately  well  known,  and  equalhr  well  appreciated,  will  be 
represented  to  them  in  so  many  ounces  of  gold,  litver-giU,  or  modest 
silver,  by  Others, —  I 

Are  neverlheless  desiroua  to  pay  some  slight  mark  (in  the  way  ofj 
Goldsmiths'  TTall  Mark)  of  esteem  and  veneration  to  Themaelves.  | 

Aiid  thus  much  for  the  sentiment,  the  philoBopliy,  and  the  iEsthettca 
of  the  Club  under  consideration.  It  is  now  high  time  to  proceed  to 
the  most  eQlcient  means  of  its  practical  development. 

It  is  proposed  that  the  Clun  shall  consist  of  at  least  not  less  than 
[  ]  Members.  That  subscnptiona  shall  be  paid  woekir,  mon'hly, 
or  quarterly ;  tlie  subscriptions  being  of  any  amount  from  One  Shilling 
to  One  Hundred  Pounds,  according  to  the  Value  of  the  Testimonial, 
that  is  the  Laudable  Object  of  Ambition  to  the  Subscriber. 

That  Once  a  Month,  a  DrawiuR  shall  take  place  of  the  Names  of 
Memben  {the  nvmbtr  to  be  hermfti^  dtvidcd  upon)  to  be  duly  Plsled. 
That  the  Members  so  Drawn  shall  have  immediate  permission  to 
decide  upon  the  Tes'imonial  to  be  by  Themselves  presented  to  Them- 
selves, on  givicfr  Sufficient  Security  to  the  Club  for  the  payment  of  the 
Silversmith's  Bill  (by  paying  it)  for  the  Object  of  the  Selected.  That 
Everjr  Member— ss  best  knowing  Himself— shall  write  his  Own 
Inscription,  recording  his  Own  Virtues,  and  hallowing  his  Own 
Merits. 

Thus,  after  the  Establishmantof  The  Self  Pbxsbntatiok  Piece-o?- 
Plats  CLUU.it  will  be  wholly  attributable  to  the  indolence  or  the  poverty 
of  every  man  if  he  have  not  upon  his  own  Side-Board  some  llatlering 
Record  of  his  Excellence,  in  the  Sliapc  of  a  Salvei^a  Wine-Coolei^- 
a  Bread  Basket^  or  an  unassuming  CelUret. 

Further  Particulars  of  the  Club  will  speedily  appear  in  the  Publio 
Prints.  Thus  much  is,  for  the  present,  imparted,  that  it  may  beneficially 
work  and  ferment  in  the  Public  Intelfert. 

The  Meditated  Circle  of  the  Club  will  be  very  Comprehensive,  taking 
in  All  Classes  of  Men,  from  the  Member  of  Parliament  anxious  to 
eternise,  in  a  Candelabra,  his  Otm  Sense  of  his  Own  Eloquence,  and 
his  Own  Unwearied  Watchfulness  of  Public  Interest?,  to  the  Paro- 
chial Beadle  who,  on  a  Small  Silver  Mur,  would  speak  of  his  Fidelity. 
bis  Civility,  his  Integrity  to  the  Parish  at  Large,  and  bis  Suavity  ana 
Benevolence  to  Little  Boys  in  Particular. 

N.  B.  To  Husbaruls,  desirous  of  Commemorating  tJie  Virtues  of  their 
Wives  in  at  least  a  Silver  Tea-Pot,  the  Club  offers  an  (Opportunity  of 
dispb^ing  perhaps  one  of  the  most,  if  not  the  moet,  noble  Emotions  of 
the  Human  Heart. 

«r  Fltate  to  Qit€  nis  Bopw  io  ike  Lad$  qfthe  House, 

High  Waya  and  Low  Waya. 

It  may  be  cited  as  a  melancholy  instance  of  the  niinoni  effect  of 

credit,  that  sereral  turnpike  trusts  arc  in  a  state  of  insolvency.    It 

It  is  a  cnrions  fact  in  tbe  gramnmr  of  politics  that  when  statesmen   mav  Iw  further  observed,  that  the  ticketing  system,  which  has  bean  in 

get  into  place  they  become  often  oblivious  of  their  antooedeals,  but   full  force  amongst  all  these  coDcenu,  most  commonly  leads  to  bank* 

are  seldom  forgetful  of  their  relatives.  I  ruptcy. 


A  TBCTU   FOB  TUB  TIXES. 


THE  LAND. 

Jh  Echo  (o  Bany  ConnoaiVt  "  &*i.'* 

Trk  liand !    The  Land  !   The  grumbling  Land ! 

The  poor,  the  always  at  a  stand ; 

■Without  a  penny,  without  a  pound. 

It  tumeth  the  same  dull  circle  round. 

It  bray*  fof"  relief,  for  Proteciion  cries, 

Or  like  a  nauRhty  creature  lies. 

They  've  got  the  Land  !    They  *ve  got  the  Land ! 

But  to  help  themselves  won't  lend  a  hand. 

With  debts  above,  and  debts  below, 

And  a  mortgage  wheresoeVr  thev  go. 

If  a  chance  should  come,  while  they  wail  and  weep. 

What  matter !    The  Land  will  go  to  sleep. 

I  hate,  ob !  how  I  hate  to  bear 

Their  murmurs  foaming  in  my  ear  ! 

When  sonin  mad  member  bavs  the  moon, 

Or  whistles  Protection's  dull  old  tune  ; 

And  tells  how  goeth  the  com  bo  low. 

That  it  really  never  will  pay  to  grow. 
I  never  heard  Protection's  roar. 
But  1  saw  the  humbug  more  and  more, 
And  backwards  flew  to  reason's  test 
Whicti  proves  Free  Trade  to  be  the  best. 
Por  Free  Trade  aiwa^  appear'd  to  me 
The  thing  tbat  'a  right,  and  that  ought  to  be. 

The  landlords  look'd  black,  with  rage  and  scorn. 

In  the  hour  when  fiir  Free  Trade  was  born- 

The  noisy  whistled — the  Torips  old 

Declared  tbemselvea  completely  solid ; 

And  never  was  heard  sucli  an  outcry  wild. 

As  welcotned  to  life  Peel's  Free  Trade  child. 
We  'vc  lived  since  then  in  calm  and  strife, 
A  few  short  summer%  an  active  life  \ 
With  wealth  to  barter  and  power  to  range, 
Where'er  we  can  make  the  oest  exchange. 
But  alas !  there 's  onl;  the  same  dead  stamL 
When  we  turn  to  look  at  the  poor  old  Land! 


UUNCEB  OF  DOWNING  STREET. 

MtNTsTEBs  are  at  a  loss  what  to  do  with  the  Ten  Hours  Factory 
Bill,  which,  owing  to  a  defect  in  its  wording,  proves  inoperative.  For 
the  present  Ihey  had  better  send  it  to  the  Dead  Letter  Office.  Really, 
Parliament  must  have  an  Editor  to  prepare  its  acta  for  publication. 
His  salary  would  cost  the  country  but  little,  m  a  gentleman  of  moderata 
literary  attainments  would  be  competent  to  the  employment.  He  would 
only  he  reciuired  to  poasess  the  ability  to  write  the  English  languan 
correo'ly,  an  art,  apparently,  be;rond  the  reach  of  stslesmanahip.  To 
create  ciicb  an  office  would  be  giving  aome  little  encouragement  to  the 
profession  of  the  Pen.  What  but  faulty  composition  can  be  expected 
of  a  Government  that  neglects  literature. 


Vou  XVIIL— 185»\. 


Na»  'ifi^. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Tub  political  galea  which  Imve  recently  act  in  have  blowa  no  Kood  to 
the  poor  old  bull  of  Protection,  which  is  now  &o  beftten  ftbout  that  the 
miserable  uralt  can  scarcely  sastaiu  the  craftamaa  who  ootitinuea  to 
adhere  to  it.  The  horizon  cihibitB  &  verv  dreary  prospect,  ahowine 
nolbing  but  a  few  unhappy  ajrricultural  %\u\i  in  the  distance,  who  still 
hover  over  Die  wreck,  wmie  the  slupper,  clinging  desperately  to  an  old 
looker — aa  a  drowning  man  catches  at  a  straw,— waves  in  the  air  his 
signals  of  distress,  and  shouts  to  the  winds  bis  vain  lamentations,  which 
even  eoho  disdains  to  aosver. 


NOOKS  AND  CORNERS  OF  CHARACTER. 


THE  GREENGROCER  WHO  WAITS  AT  PARTIES. 

ABOtrr  fire  o'clock  there  is  a  quiet  ring  at  the  bell,  labelled 
"  Servants'."  The  next  minute  a  pair  of  heavy  feet  are  heard  tramping 
along  the  hall.  You  look  out,  and  see  a  huge  mass  of  great  coat^ 
carrjinR  a  big  bundle  in  a  colouied  handkercliief.  In  one  second  it  has 
dived  down  the  kitchen  slaircoac.     It  is  tbc  Greengrocer. 

Eioon  afterwards  the  sound  of  feet  is  heard  overhead.  Tbe  elegant 
figaxt  of  a  man,  with  his  hair  curled,  ia  on  the  top  of  a  pair  of  steps, 
arranging  tbe  chandeher.  Uis  costume  would  be  of  too  stem  a  black- 
Deas,  if  it  were  not  delicately  softened  by  the  purity  of  a  white 
neckcloth.  He  glides  over  the  soft  carpet,  making  no  sound,  ssve  a 
pleasant  Jingle  that  is  played  after  him  by  a  waring  bnnch  of  seals,  like  a 
peal  of  fairy  bells.  The  extreme  neatness  of  the  pump,  if  nothmg  else, 
would  tell  you  that  it  is  the  Waiter. 

With  the  quickness  of  a  pantomimic  change,  the  Greengrocer  has 
transformed  himself  into  the  Waiter.  If  he  had  stood  at  tbe  side-wing 
of  a  tbealTP,  and  the  carpenter  from  behind  had  pulled  the  string  out  of 
bis  grral  coat,  the  change  could  not  have  been  effected  quicker.  And 
what  a  change !  It  is  hard  to  believe  that  the  two  individuals— the 
butterfly  and  the  grub— have  ipnug  from  tbe  same  body.  You  can 
scarcely  imagine  the  flitterinff  thing  before  you  serves  greens  in  the 
dayUime! 

What  is  it  that  refines  him?  How  is  it  that,  by  flimply  decorating 
his  neck  with  a  wisp  of  clean  muslin,  and  winging  hu  feet  with 
an  aerial  pair  of  pumps,  the  nature  ot  the  Greengrocer  is  so  com- 
pletely changed?  We  shall  really  believe  that  there  is  something 
spiritualiiiDg  in  the  profession  of  a  Waiter,  and  that  a  gentleman,  to  be 
a  perfect  gentleman,  should  put  tbe  last  touch  of  polish  to  his  education 
by  going  through  a  six  months*  course  of  rubbing  mahogany  tables. 

Look  at  the  specimen  before  us  !  An  hour  ago  he  was  a  hard,  din^y, 
lump  of  a  man.  Uow  bright  he  is  now  1  He  sparkles  and  burns  wiih 
now  fire,  and  that  Promethean  fire  be  has  stolen  from  the  kitchen- 
grate.  Call  on  him  to-morrow,  Catch  him  behind  his  apron,  and 
you  will  not  recognise  in  tbe  soiled  bands  that  are  playing  at  marbles 
with  tbe  potatoes,  the  Beau  Brummel  of  the  Berlins  who  heloed 
you  so  grscefully  to  blanc-mange  the  evening  before.    Or  observe  uim 


when  he  is  on  the  front  bar  of  »  coTercd  ran,  whipping  «  jadwi  while 
horse,  with  "eighteen  insides,"  to  Hampton  Court.  You  would  hardly 
believe  that  dusty-looking  man  with  a  short  pipe  in  tbe  comer  of  hia 
mouth  was  the  same  bright  creature  that  only  yesterday  was  playing 
about  the  room,  like  summer  lightning,  shedding  a  radiance  wherem 
he  darted  in  and  out  with  his  napkin.  There  is  decidedly  some  TiviXymg 
charm,  some  magic  reviver,  that  lies  hid  in  the  butler's  pantry. 

But  on  no  other  could  this  charm  act  so  ethereally,  on  no  other  wonld 
this  reviver  operate  with  such  lustre,  as  on  the  (Greengrocer  1  It  wodd 
be  absurd  to  try  it  on  the  Batcher,  and  the  Cbimney-Sweep  would  be 
CQually  ridiculous.  Tbe  Milkman  unfortunately  knows  nothmg  of 
waiting,  excepting  at  the  area  gate.  Tbe  Tailor  wants  anstocratic 
presence  for  the  high  office.  The  Baker,  when  asked  for  Bread,  would 
hand  you  the  loaf  on  the  palm  of  his  hand.  The  Ohresemonger  would 
be  tasting  the  cheese  before  he  took  it  round,  and  the  Postoian.  if  told 
to  inform  the  gentleman  that  the  "  tea  was  waiting,"  would  deliver  the 
message  with  a  tremendoua  double  knock.  No !  the  Patent  to  wait  at 
parties  has  been  exclusively  lodged  by  Nature  in  the  bosom  of  the 
Greengrocer.  ,       ^  ,  , 

Besides,  his  good  temper  is  a  key  to  open  every  door  and  every 
heart.  The  waiter  that  is  only  laid  on  for  a  night,  is  always  better 
tempered  than  the  waiter  who  is  a  refular  tlxture.  The  tender  way 
m  which  the  Greengrocer  behaves  to  children  would  be  a  cheap  lesson 
to  many  a  big-calvcd  Johnny,  He  never  kicks  them,  or  calls  them 
"  brats.^*  He  lets  them  pilfer  tbe  "  sweets  "  as  they  come  out,  as  much 
as  they  please,  and  if  they  get  between  his  lega  when  he  is  carrying  some 
mighty  dome  of  a  silver  dish-cover,  he  mana^  somehow  to  bear  up 
■gainst  it,  where  any  other  servant  would  be  violently  upset.  He  is  as 
ffiable  below.  He  compliments  the  lady Vmwds,  and  jokes  with  the 
cook,  helping  her  to  unspit  joints,  and  untie  pudding-bags.  There  must 
be  Bomething  in  the  atmosphere  of  spring  onions  and  summer  cabbages, 
tha^  to  contract  a  loan  with  the  Latin  grammar,— 
" emoIUt  moTBi,  nee  flnil  esM  fenM." 

After  the  fatigues  of  the  evening,  his  temper  is  as  little  ruffledai  hia 
fine  linen  shirt.  He  helps  on  great  coats,  and  fastens  goloshes,  with  the 
most  nimble  readiness,  and  if  you  give  him  a  shilling,  be  bidet  hu 
emotion  by  turning  away  hia  head.  .,.,..-     ,  •      j- 

Then  comes  the  washing-up,  and  then,— pauiful  duty  !  implying  dis- 
trust, but  wliich  he  cheerfully  goes  through— the  counting  "  the  plate.** 
After  that  he  is  free.  The  AVolter  is  cast  off— the  Greengrocer  la 
himself  again.    Exit  tbe  butterfly,  and  enter  the  grub. 

He  sits  down  to  supper— and  all  the  good  thin^  you  had  at  dinner 
are  brought  out  for  his  meal.  He  has  the  choice  of  the  best.  The 
whole  larder  is  spreiad  on  tbe  kitchen-table  before  him.  There  is  a  largo 
tankard  foaming  with  fresh  beer.  There  are  innumerable  ghuses  of 
wine,  which  he  crilicisea,  as  he  takes  a  sip  of  each.  His  opinion  is 
greatly  respected,  for  who  tastes  more  wine  in  the  course  of  his  life 
than  the  Greengrocer  who  waits  at  parties  P  Tbe  professed  cook  unbends 
to  him,  and  drinks  his  health  out  of  the  pewter,  for,  independcnt'of  hu 
being  a  man  who  pays  taxes,  ho  is  a  talking  directory  of  the  whole  neigh- 
bourhood. He  is  a  great  personsgc,  for  the  Greengrocer,  in  addition  to  hu 
other  duties,  is  a  large  purveyor  of  situations.  Accordingly,  if  a  servant 
widhea  to  "  better  him  or  herself,"  the  Greengrocer  is  always  tbe  great 
oracle  consulted.  He  knows  tbe  wages  of  the  best  housej.  the  moat 
becoming  liveries,  and  the  perquisites,  and  the  strength  of  the  beer, 
attached  to  each.  He  is  a  portable  Servant's  Bazaar.— a  living  column 
of  **  Want  Places,"— but  without  the  usual  stipulation  on  the  top, 
"  All  Answers  must  be  prepaid."    .     .      „  .... 

Tbe  Ust  person  in  the  honse  u  the  Greengrocer.  About  eleven 
o'clock  (we  are  supposinir  it  is  a  quiet  dinner  party)  the  same  sound  of 
heavy  feet,  or  perhaps  a  little  hi^avier.  ia  heard  tramping  along  the  hall. 
The  same  mats  of  great  coat,  above  which  now  peeps  a  red  comforter, 
is  seen  going  out,  carrying  the  same  bundle  in  a  coloured  handkerchief. 
It  may  be  that  the  bundle  has  grown  a  trifle  larger,  for  in  the  fulness 
of  his  heart  the  Greengrocer  has  not  forgotten  he  has  a  wife  and  family. 
In  another  minute  tbe  street-door  is  bolted.  The  Greengrocer  haa 
gone  home  to  smoke  a  pipe  by  his  own  llreaide. 


Beauties  without  Faint. 

The  Picture  Cleaning  Mania  has  extended  all  the  way  to  Holyrood, 
where  tbe  portraits  have  most  of  them  been  brought  to  the  scrubbing 
brush,  and  are  rapidly  finding  a  soap  and  watery  grave.  The  alle^d 
object  of  placing  Ine  pictures  in  the  hands  of  the  charwoman  is  to  bnng 
out  the  colours,  and  the  attempt  is  so  far  successful,  for  in  these  casea 
the  colours  are  most  thoroughly  brought  out,  and  cannot  be  brought  m 
again.  Nearly  all  the  pictures  we  have  seen,  after  their  having  under- 
gone the  cleaning  process,  are  remarkable  for  their  similarity  of  subject, 
for  they  look  the  pictures  of  misery. 

"ova  LaTsax"  from  bomx, 
Lettesa  from  Kome  of  the  6th  instant  announce  the  reinm  of  the 
Pope  to  his  capital  as  dcflnitively  fixed  for  tbe  1st  of  April 


1 


4 


0 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


73 


^f^t  Hamrnta^Ir  Italia)! 

or 

THE  FOUNDLING  OF  SHOBEDITCH. 

/Vow  tks  Timei  qfm.  li. 

'  "i  -  OKI    all   70   GUnstiu 

people,  and  listen  to 
my  tail. 

It  is  all  aoout  a  doctor 
vaa  Inveliing  by  tlie 
rail. 

By  the  Heaatern  Coun- 
tiea  Railway  (yich  the 
tharet  I  don't  desire), 

From  Ixworlh  town  in 
SulTolk,  vicb  his  name 
did  not  transpire. 

A  travelling  from  Bury 
this  Doctor  was  em- 
lojed 
1th  a  gestleman,  a 
friend  of  his,  vicb  his 
name  was  Caita.!!! 
Lorn; 

Aiid  on  reaching  Marks 
Tey  StaMon.  that  is 
next  beyond  Colcbest' 

•er,  a  lady  entered  into 
tbem  most  elegantly 
dressed. 

She  entered  into  the 
Carriage  all  with  a 
tottering  step. 
And  a  poo'y  little  Bayby 
upon  her  buaaiiui 
sfep; 

The  gentlemen  received  her  with  kindneas  and  aiwillaty. 
Pitying  this  lady  for  her  iilncsB  aad  debili&ty. 

8he  had  a  fust  class  ticket,  tliia  lovely  lady  said. 
Bee&nae  it  wsa  so  lonesome  the  took  a  secknd  instead. 
Better  to  travel  by  secknd  class,  than  sit  alone  in  the  fust. 
And  the  pooty  little  Baby  upon  her  breast  she  nuat. 

A  Bcein  of  her  cryin,  and  shiverin  and  pail, 

To  her  spoke  this  surpinr,  the  £ro  of  my  tail ; 

Saysee  you  look  unwell.  Ma'am,  I'll  elp  vou  if  I  can, 

And  you  may  teli  your  case  to  roe,  for  I  m  a  meddicle  man. 

"  Thank  you.  Sir,"  the  lady  said,  "T  ony  look  so  pale. 
Because  I  ain't  accuatom'd  to  travelling  on  the  RaJe ; 
I  shall  be  better  presnly,  when  I  've  ad  some  rest : " 
And  that  pooty  little  Baby  she  squeegjd  it  to  her  breast. 

80  in  conwersation  the  journey  they  beguiled, 

C^rrrN'o  Loth  and  the  medical  man,  and  the  lady  and  the  child. 

Till  the  warioua  stations  along  the  line  was  passed. 

For  tfta  the  Heastem  Counties'  trains  must  come  in  at  last. 

When  at  Shoreditcb  tumminos  at  lenth  stoptied  the  traio. 
Thia  kind  meddicle  gentleman  proposed  his  aid  again. 
**  Thank  vou.  Sir,"  the  lad;r  said,  *'  for  your  kyindness  dear ; 
My  carriage  and  my  osaea  u  probbibly  come  here. 

Will  you  old  this  baby,  please,  vilst  I  step  and  see  ?  ** 
The  Doctor  was  a  famly  man :  *'  That  I  will."  says  he. 
Then  the  little  child  she  kist,  kiat  it  ^trj  gently, 
Yich  was  sucking  his  little  fist,  sleeping  innocently. 

With  a  sigh  from  her  art,  as  though  she  would  have  bust  it, 
Then  she  gave  the  doctor  the  child— wery  kind  he  nust  it : 
Hup  then  the  lady  jum^ted  bofT  the  bench  she  sate  from. 
Tumbled  down  the  oarndge  atepa  and  ran  along  the  platform. 

Vile  ball  the  other  passengers  vent  upon  their  vayi, 
The  Capting  and  the  Doctor  sate  there  in  a  maze; 
Some  vent  in  a  Homminibus,  some  voit  in  a  Cab^, 
The  Capting  and  the  Doctor  vaited  vith  the  babby. 

There  they  sate  looking  queer,  for  an  hour  or  more. 
But  their  feller  paaainger  neataer  on  'em  sore : 
Never,  never,  back  again  did  that  lady  come 
To  that  pooty  ileeping  Hinfnt  a  suckm  of  bis  Thum  I 


What  could  this  pore  Doctor  do,  bein  treated  thus, 

When  the  darling  Babv  woke,  cryin  for  its  nnss  ? 

Off  be  drove  to  a  femaJe  (hend,  vioh  she  was  both  kind  and  ntild. 

And  igsplained  to  her  the  circumstance  of  thia  year  little  cfaUd. 

That  kind  lady  took  tlie  child  instantly  in  her  lap. 

And  made  it  very  comforable  bv  giving  it  some  pap  ; 

And  when  she  took  its  close  off.  what  d*  you  think  she  found  i* 

A  couple  of  ten  pun  notes  sewn  up,  in  its  littlo  gownd  ! 

Also  in  its  little  close,  was  a  note  which  did  conwey. 
That  this  little  baby's  parents  lived  in  a  handsome  way  : 
And  for  its  Headucation  they  reglarly  would  pav. 
And  sirtiofily  like  gentlefolks  would  obim  I  he  child  one  day, 
U  the  Chriatian  people  who  'd  chana  of  it  would  say, 
Per  adwertisement  in  the  Times,  where  the  baby  lay. 

Pity  of  this  bayby  many  people  took. 

It  had  such  pooty  ways  and  such  a  pootry  look; 

And  there  came  a  lady  formrd  <l  wish  toat  I  could  see 

Any  kind  lady  u  would  do  aa  much  for  me  ; 

And  I  wteh  with  all  my  art.  aome  night  in  n^  night  gownd, 
I  could  find  a  note  stitcbea  for  ten  or  twenty  pound)— 
There  came  a  lady  forrard,  that  most  honorable  did  aay. 
She'd  adopt  this  little  baby,  which  her  parents  caat  4«ay. 

While  the  Doctor  pondered  on  thia  hoffer  fair, 
Comes  a  letter  from  Devonshire,  from  a  party  there, 
Hordering  the  Doctor,  at  its  Mar's  desire, 
To  send  the  little  Infant  back  to  Devonshire. 

Lost  in  ^>op1exily,  this  pore  meddicle  man, 
Like  a  sensable  gentleman^o  the  Juatice  ran: 
Which  bis  name  was  Mb.  Hamuill,  a  boooraole  beak, 
That  takes  liia  aeat  in  Worship  Street  four  times  a  week. 

"  0  Juatice !  "  says  the  Doctor,  "  instmgt  me  what  to  do, 
1  've  come  up  from  the  country,  to  throw  myaelf  on  you  \ 
Mv  patients  nave  no  doctor  to  tend  them  in  their  ills, 
Ciucre  they  are  in  Suffolk  without  their  draffla  and  pdla !) 

"  I  're  come  up  from  the  country,  to  know  how  I  '11  dispose 

Of  this  pore  little  babv,  and  the  twenty  pun  note,  and  the  clothes, 

Aod  I  want  to  go  back  to  Suffolk,  dear  Justice,  if  you  please, 

A  nd  my  patients  wants  their  Dootor.and  theirDoctor  wants  his  feez." 

Up  spoke  Mn.  Hamuill.  sittin  at  hia  desk/ 

"  This  year  application  does  me  much  perpleak ; 

What  I  do  adwise  you,  is  to  leave  this  babby 

In  the  Parish  where  it  wu  left,  by  its  mother  shabby."^ 

The  Doctor  from  bis  Worship  sadly  did  depart — 
He  might  have  left  tlie  baby,  but  be  hadn't  got  the  heart. 
To  go  for  to  leave  that  Uinnocent,  has  the  laws  allowa. 
To  the  tender  muuiea  of  the  Union  House. 

Mother,  who  left  this  little  one  on  a  stranger's  knee, 

Think  how  cruel  vou  have  been,  and  how  good  was  he  ! 

Think,  if  you  *ve  been  guilty,  innocent  was  she  ; 

And  do  not  take  unkindly  this  little  word  of  me  -. 

Ileafen  be  merciful  to  us  all,  einnen  aa  we  be !  X. 


HAPPY  AND  HUME-OROUS. 


It  is  not  often  that  BfB.  IIdkb  indulgea  in  a  joke — for  he  is  eoo« 
nomical  even  of  his  wit — and  he  avoids  humorous  as  well  aa  all  other 
extravagance.  He  did,  however,  a  few  eveninrs  ago  indulge  in  a  sally, 
which,  though  coming  from  the  venerable  Joseph,  might  have  beoi 
mistaken  for  an  "  Old  Jok,"  but  which  was  rtally  of  a  rather  fresh 
and  buoyant  character.  He  rose  for  the  purpose  of  moving  for  an 
address  to  Her  Majesty,  recommending  the  abolition  of  the  Lord 
Lieutenant  of  Ireland,  and  at  the  same  time  gave  notice  of  a  motion 
proposing  a  drawback  on  bricks— the  point  evidently  being  thecoupling 
of  tae  Lord  Lieutenant  with  bricks  in  g^eneral.  Now  the  antecedents 
of  the  present  Lord  Lieutenant  prove  him  to  be  a  brick  in  the  largest 
sense  of  the  word,  and  henoe  arieea  the  combination  to  which  we  nave 
thought  ourselrea  justified  in  profiling  the  epithet*  "  luppj  nnd  Hamc- 
arous."  

fX)  BE  DISPOSED  OF.— A  tmaXX  Joko  BusiaeMi  dolD|  fn/m  lU  to  mtqh 

-i-   Pnaa  per  lUy.    The  dlnser  oMUMCtlon  li  guod,  Ukd  GMMibU  Of  laiplvraBieDt,  vtih 
•tock  of  Uaen,  and  kmmUM  modantv.    No  pioMMd 


Uk  avwacs  nock  of  nam,  man  kmmuw  moaanw. 
■eai  vn*T'    T1**  wwTP  li  oiuj  pcrtod  with  In 
_  ..    _       \By  pBTiOO  ' 

\j  OooMba 


1  ponai 
or  Um 


toto  HxiCbar  Ha*— tba  Miiiir-«-Uii«.    Anj 


rtttriu  (km  tbe  Utur 


lir  or  pIcrpookM 
proprttlor  yoli 


bATlBc  on  b*a4  ft  few  Am  8*rp«&u.  wrlr  tfooMbsrrlM,  tfensaidi,  or  Earttwiukci,  aot 


BOOb 


ttw 


won*  for  irstr,  b*7  taow  of  %  pimbAMr. 


s 

■ 

o 
'o 


1-^ 


o 

CO 

il4 


VS9P 


THE  COLONIES. 

Downinff  Street^  llomi  and  Colonial  Tailortt 
Xarll*  Attefitkm  to  U»ir  Mav  BTatein  of  ColonUI  MeuuremtaL 


PUNCH,  OR  TH£  LONDON  CHARITARL 


77 


WiTu  jor  and  pride  a  parent  sees 

His  ehiloren  climb  about  bis  koeei; 

Pleated  we  regard  tbe  tiny  elves. 

The  little  dittos  of  ourBelres ; 

It  it  a  gratifviug  aight 

To  wiinesa  their  increaaicfr  height. 

And  mark,  aa  every  father  knows, 

Uow  quickly  they  outgrow  their  clothcf. 

A  change  of  garb,  too,  muit  be  bad, 

Soon  as  tbe  child  becomes  a  l&d  ; 

We  then  select  a  manlier  style 

Of  clothing  for  the  juvcoile. 

'IVitb  tittle  Bulls  Johk  Bull  ia  bleat, 

'Tia  time  tbiit  they  were  rightlv  drest  ; 

KtJSSZLL  AVD  Co.  will  uodtrtake 

The  requisite  costume  to  make. 

Wilb  needful  meaaures  duly  squared,  , 

To  meet  all  wants  they  're  quite  itrepared. 

Buita  they  provide  for  every  agp, 

Of  growth  according  to  the  stage, 


Adapted  to  each  size  and  shape 
Cai 
Jamaica,  Canada,  Ceylon 


Tea ;  from  Australia  to  the  Cape, 


Ru&fiULL  invites  to  try  them  on ; 

Easy  they  're  warranted  to  si^ 

Full  freedom  to  combine  with  fit. 

And  elegance  wiih  what  must  be 

Kesislleaa — strict  economyi 

In  which  all  other  firms  compete 

In  vain  with  Rl&sell'b,  Downing  Street. 

*•*  Mtaturei  to  order,  and  a  Nev  {Blue)  Book  teili  tioril^  bepublUh^d. 


UTSTERIOnS    DISAPPEARANCE. 

o  US  there  is  oo  greater  marvel 
among  tbe  Mysteries  of  Lon- 
don, than  what  becomes  of  all 
the  Clowns,  Harlequins,  and 
Pantaloons  when  the  panto- 
mime season  is  over.  For  a 
few  weeks  at  Christmas  holi- 
day-time the  metroDolis  t^f  ms 
with  specimens  of  the  c'ass 
alluded  to,  and  ve  £nd  them 
bound  together  in  a  bond  of 
brotherhood,  united  into  a 
human  wheel-barrow,  piled  up 
into  a  pyramid,  or  groping  to- 

f ether  through  the  Cave  of 
)espair  on  every  stage  in  Xion- 
den.  Out  of  the  pantomime 
season  the  race  seemt  to  be- 
CQine  extinct,  and  we  never  hear  of  a  Clown,  for  even  that  remark- 
able Bpeoimen  of  humanity  "  a  country  Clown "  ia  fast  fading  away, 
and  we  scarcely  ever  read  of  a  case  of "  clowniah  ignorance."  It  is 
tme  there  may  be  a  sprinkling  of  Clowns  in  tbe  provinces  and  else- 
where, in  the  form  of  "Clowns  to  the'.ring"  where  horsemanship  is 
going  on,  but  even  then  there  is  an  enormous  surplus  of  Clowns  wholly 
unaccounted  for,  and  the  Clowns  to  the  ring  can  embrace  but  a  very 
limited  circle. 

As  the  London  pantomimes  are  now  coming  to  the  close  of  their 
career,  we  would  aslc  what  is  to  become  of  the  Clowns  that  will  be 
thrown  upon  the  wide  world^  together  with  the  numerous  pairs  of 
Pantaloons  and  the  accumulation  of  Harlequins  who  will  have  to  ex- 
change the  magic  wand  for  far  less  enchanting  vranderinn.  We  have 
Myloma  for  decayed  everythings,  and  as  nothing — except  Stilton  cheese 
—decays  so  fast  as  the  gymnastic  powers,  why  do  we  not  hare  an 
asylum  for  decayed  Clowns.  Pantaloons,  and  Harlequins  P  They  are 
accustomed  to  a  good  deal  oE  buffeting  about,  but  the  severest  blow  of 
ftU  must  be,  the  stoppage  which  the  withdrawal  of  the  Pantomimea 
necessarily  puts  to  tnose  kicks  which  are  the  source  of  all  their 
half-pence.  

RZABOK    rOK    BeUEVTVO  a  GENTLEMA.V   WHO    EA5    DUHOKOUXZD 

BI8  Bill.—**  His  word  \m  as  good  as  his  bond." 


THE  GREAT  DUNUP  CONTRACTS. 

The  commercial  world  has  been  a  little  startled,  and  the  "city* 
taken  somewhat  by  surprise,  at  Ihe  announcement  ot  a  novel  class  of 
contracts,  which  seem  to  offer  peculiar  advantrgea  to  one  at  least  of  the 
parties  oooeemed.  "Perhaps,"  says  our  commercial  correapondentg 
'  tbe  matter  may  be  better  understood  from  the  following  advertise- 
ments, which  have  been  handed  about  during  the  last  week  on  'Cbaoge, 
tboogh  they  have  not  yet  formed  the  basis  of  any  poaitive  transact. iona. 
We  quote  one  or  two  specimens  of  the  announcements  alluded  to." 

"Me.  Dnsvp  is  now  prepared  to  receive  tenders  for  tbe  supply  of 
meat,  fuel,  and  cigars,  tor  the  use  of  the  Dumrr  estAblishmeni,  and 
specimens  of  the  articles  named  may  be  at  once  sent  in  to  bim  under 
tne  following  regulations ' — 

**  The  Meat  Contract  will  remain  open  during  an  unlimited  period, 
in  order  that  time  may  he  allowed  for  testing  the  effects  of  Free  Trade, 
and  that  tbe  contractor  may  have  tbe  fullest  opportunity  of  aliering  his 
prices  according  to  the  markets.  Every  butcher  tendering  for  the 
suppl/  must  send  in  a  quantity  of  not  leas  tliau  three  pounds  per  week 
of  prime  beef  or  mutton,  as  specimen  food,  until  the  contract  is  either 
accepted  or  declined,  and  Mr  Doiur  does  not  bind  himself  to  any 
particular  period  for  the  adjudication,  as  it  is  expedient  to  open  the 
door — bis  own  private  doer — to  oompetition  as  wiae  aa  possible. 

"  With  reference  to  tbe  article  of  fuel,  Ma.  Dunup  is  now  readv  to 
receive  samples  of  coal  in  (luantitiea  of  not  less  than  one  hundred 
weight,  whicn  must  be  shot  at  tbe  expense  of  the  parties  tendering  at 
any  time  between  tbe  present  date  and  tbe  Slat  of  Uecenilwr,  lo50, 
when  the  sealed  tenders  will  be  opened  for  the  purpose  of  adjudication. 
Mn.  Dunup  does  not  bind  himself  to  accept  the  lowest  tender,  and  he 
will  require  a  deposit  at  the  rate  of  sixpence  per  sack  to  cover  the 
expense  of  cellarage,  the  actual  coat  of  couaumption,  and  the  removal 
of  ashes. 

'*  The  parties  tendering  will  not  be  bound  by  the  quality  of  their 
latest  Bupply.  but  will  be  at  liberty  to  amend  their  tender  from  time  to 
time  by  sending  in  frc!<h  speciniena  of  superior  qualities  at  any  period 
before  the  acceptation  or  refusal  of  tbe  contract. 

"  The  rules  respecting  the  tender  for  the  supplv  of  cigars  will  be  the 
same  as  those  that  have  been  framed  for  food  and  fuel,  except  that  no 
particnlar  quantity  will  be  insisted  upon,  and  a  single  ci^ar  will  be 
received  as  a  sample  from  any  respeotable  party  desirous  ortendering. 
Every  cigar  muat  be  accompanied  bv  a  certificate  from  a  duly  qualified 
chemist,  guaranteeing  the  purity  of  the  leaf,  and  certifying  the  non- 
employment  of  the  native  cabbage  in  the  process  of  its  manufacture.  A4 
eacn  cigar  will  have  to  undergo  separately  the  somewhat  elaborate 
process  of  smoking,  Mn.  Dt'NCP  will  not  pledge  himself  to  any  limi- 
taiion  of  time,  which  might  hastily  commit  him  to  a  second  class 
commodity. 

"  The  tenders  need  not  be  sealed,  but  may  be  wafered.  aa  ii:  is 
dtsired  that  Uie  parties  tendering  should  be  put  to  no  mure  expense 
tban  is  necessary  for  tbe  due  carrying  out  of  the  purposes  of  the 
contract. 

*'  Lowness  of  pries,  it  has  been  already  intimated,  will  not  be  an 
essential  in  determining  whether  the  tender  will  be  received,  and 
persons  are  invited  to  keep  in  view  first-rate  Quality  r&tber  than  cheap- 
ness in  tbe  selection  of  the  samples  forwardea. 

"  The  contract  ia  not  confined  to  the  merchants  or  manufacturers  of 
any  particular  locality ;  but  it  baa  been  placed  on  the  broadest  baaii 
so  as  to  allow  of  its  taking  in  as  many  as  possible." 


i 


FRENCH  AND  ENGLISH  POLICEMEN. 

Thb  Kngliahmau  is  as  laconic  as  an  electric  telegraph's  message.  The 
Frenctimau  ia  as  lengthy  and  as  pompous  as  an  American  President's 
meBSH,ge.  Observe  the  difference  in  the  two  following  expresaive 
examples. 

The  English  Policeman  says  briefly  and  sharplv,  **  Move  on  there." 

The  French  Policeman  takes  off  his  hat  and  says  in  the  blandest 
manner,  *'  Manears,  il  faut  gue  je  votu  prie  de  w  pat  ewtp^Jter  ia 
cirruhtion" 

The  above  polite  little  order,  or  entreaty  rather,  will  be  found  in  the 
Paris  correspondence  of  the  Ttaus  on  the  occasion  of  the  late  Tree  of 
Liberty  riots.  The  infuriated  mob  took  off  their  hats,  bowed,  and 
insUnlly  retired. 

Imagine  Policeman  X.  addressing  an  English  mbb  in  the  following 
terms  ;— 

"  Gentlemen,  I  should  esteem  it  as  a  personal  favour  if  you  would  be 
kind  enough  to  disperse,  for  you  may  not  be  aware  that  by  loitering 
here  you  are  greatly  impeding  the  general  circulation." 

We  wonder  if  it  would  have  tbe  same  effect  aa  "Now,  Geati, 
I  move  on." 


H 


78 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHABIVARL 


LITTLE    LESSONS    FOR    LITTLE    LADIES. 


FiH'iT  Fal-lal^  d4boiiffh  the  «ai  not  ricli,  nor  a  per-aon  of  ruk^  wai  a  ve^ry  ^e 
Lirdf.  She  WQuld  pM*  alt  her  time  rcfld-iug  no-veb  and  work  icg  cro-cbet,  but  wodd 
ne-fl^ct  ber  tumM-bold  du-ltet;  u>  her  faut-buid!,  who  vm  &  ve-ry  mc«  ajui.  «iid  food  of  a 
nice  db'iur,  be-cvnv  «  mem^ber  of  a  Club,  uii  natd  to  itop  out  ve-ry  late  at  night,  vhloh 
\td  to  m&'iry  qiur*r«li>  How  fodl'iBb  it  wu  of  Fax-vt  to  nc*glect  hf r  bouac^boM  dn-ties, 
ud ao(  to  D»k0 bcr  Ai/'HE&t  bAppjr  at  home  ! 


BIRANGE  BULDS  IN  EKGLA^D. 

We  find  hvm  cne  of  the  nrTip^Kr  utumJU's 
—a  niEjst  induatriom  and  entftrtaininf  class— 
that  several  rara^  acft  hare  been  Bpon  a  visit 
to  ihu  oountrj  in  con^ucDCe  of  the  e«&90ii*» 
aeTFTitj.  We  have  tem&rked,  ae  an  indic^UoB  of 
the  pn>ta&le  aeveritr  of  the  aenioa,  the  pre* 
aence    Ifttdj    of   some   tct?  ■iraage   birds    in 

Some  of  theae  atraoge  birds  are  of  the  pxne 
tribe,  tU«ir  pcciiJiviiy  coMiitinf  chiefly  in  their 
bein;  Ttb-footed^  vhich  prevento  them  from 
taLm^  a  firm  ttaad  and  oftea  gets  tbcm  inta  a 
wretcbed  hobble.  Atnang  otber  Tarielies  of  rarfe 
avf-n  our  atttDtioQ  has  betnesptcially  called  to  i  he 
Antpelu  GsTTTtliu^  or  Waxen  CbilUrer.  so  caJled 
From  its  beii:^  t^TT  ^f^  "^d  Tery  talk&tiTC. 
or  thia  cUsa  there  arc  Mvenl  fine  Farliameu- 
tary  specimen*  now  to  be  seetip  but  they  are 
considered  excdient  eaiue  for  the  keen  polilic^ 
Hportsman  who  dtlishta  is  bringing  them  down, 
a  feat  which  i*  rather  difficult  of  achieTeoifn^ 
though  a  good  hit  well  aimed  will  often  dispo&e 
of  inti  Farliamcntarf  Jaqjciu  Gamdnt  luoet 
DQDctuaivety. 

The  Ct>I^m&ftM  Jreiien,  or  Black-tbroated 
DiTfff,  is  a  rcry  diBagreeame  bird,  whose  Wail 
)o  our  GommouA  is  always  murked  by  extreme 
ooldntas  and  severitT,  The  blackpfss  of  ihe 
threat  is  attributed  by  poLitic&l  uaturaiiata  to  a 
Bort  of  black  nlimj  matter  generated  in  the  bird 
it*elfj  and  dischfirged  from  the  mouth,  while 
athera  think  the  Direr  acquireatbeqnalit:f  alluded 
to  from  a  habit  of  diving  rery  much  in  dark, 
troubled,  and  dirty  water. 


We  helieve  it  is  no  longer  a  aecret  that  Mr. 
JoNfs  Lori)  h&s  becQ  raided  to  the  peer«!^e 
by   the    appropriate  title  of  Baeos  Philojo- 

PHJiaATONE, 


SCENES   FBOM   THE   LIFE    OP  AJJ   UNPROTECTED   FEMALE. 

TRE  VariOTECTED    rEMALE    HAViyO    BEBM    REQUESTED   BT  A  PKZEMD    TO   PICK   HE&   Vt    A    PATEKFO&T,  CHEAP,  ATTElTDa  A  BALE    BT 

AUCTION,  WHEBB  SUCU  AK  ABTICLB  IS  TO  BE  DISPOSED  OP. 


SCEVB.  Jll  ih  focmi  tf  a  "/amilv  mannon*'  leiih  ihe  "neie  and 
fatHonable  hw$ekola  furniture^*  di$tribu(ed  in  a  bewildering  and 
eoniradiehiy  manner,  the  beds  tn  tke  dinina-roomt,  ihe  mangle  in  the 
fr^nt  parlouft  the  hall  chairs  and  umbrella-stand  in  the  l^t  atiie, 
ihe  eigkt-day  dock  in  the  back  kitchen^  ihe  dining-tables  in  the  best 
bed-room^  and  the  splendid  suit  qf  drawing-ro>.m furniture  in  comvUte 
rtmi  all  over  the  house.  The  **  old  and  choice  cellar  rf  wines  "  has 
eome  upstairs  to  the  first  Jlocr  fronts  and  looks  uncommonly  fresh 
about  the  corks.  The  aenutne  oil-oictures,  by  the  first  masters,  have 
been  "collected from  tne continent,  in  Wardour  Street  and  Holbom. 
There  is  a  great  deal  if  dirt  on  the  hall  floor,  and  the  hands  qf  the 
Bf  okers  and  Sroiers^Men,  with  a  pervading  atmosphere  of  varnish, bass- 
matting,  shavings,  stale  tobacco,  and  fresh  sorter.  /Numerous  parties, 
principally  Ladies,  are  looking  at  everutking,  and  murkina  in  their 
eataUgues;  BroMrs  are  euomitiinp  tie /umilure  to  violent  tats, 
tugging  drawers  out,  jamming  them  tn,  tossing,  punching,and  doublinp- 
tp  cushions  and  mattresses,  rubbing  the  rrenrk^usk  from  ek\f 

I  tonniers,  chairs  and  tables,  and  chijmng  off  mouldings,  ornaments,  and 

I  sabM  points  jrom  evergthing  thai  hasang. 

Ui^irotoeted  Female  ir^flects  with  astonishment  over  the  third  eight-dag 

I    clock  she  has  met  with  in  an  unexpected  position).  Well,  I'm  sure,  they 

I    SMin  to  bare  bad  three  and  four  of  everything  in  this  house!    I've 

eounted  the  rooms  and  the  beds,  and  there's  at  least  two  beds  to  a 

room:  and  they  had  four  mangles;  and  I  can't tbbk  where  they  can 

'    have  laid  all  the  carpets.  (JSmifi  am  article  t/ furniture.)  Ther  must  have 

I    been  Pranoh-poluhiag  eTsrytning  just  before  they  went.    And  most  of 

I    the  thiDgs  look  quite  new.  iShe  gates  at  a  chest  tf  drawers. 

^romSrout  Broker  {fiomsng  out  qf  atop  drmoer).  Nioa  article.  Harm. 

'    If  you  thinks  of  pnrehasing.  (fngiteriouelid,  'ere's  my  card— I'm  wdl 

'    known  to  PiPKivt— this 'wa  one  ^Firxxiri'B  sales.  ' Appy  to  bid  foi 

yoo.  Mam— «nd  set  a  wally  onsnythink  aforehsttd. 
I       Utqp^oisetgd  Female.  No*  thank  yon. 


Mouldg  Broker  {in  a  low  tone).  Buy  for  you  on  arf  terma,  Mann. 
{Aside  and  alluding  to  PnosPEROUS  Broker.)  E  'e  a  Jew,  e  is.  Want  a 
oice  feather-bed  P   'Appy  to  bid  for  you- 

Unprotected  Female  {with  dignttn).  Thank  you.  I  shall  buy  for  myself. 
{Sees  Davenport.)  Tea  ;  I  think  that's  the  sort  of  thing  Mrs.  Smithebs 
would  like.  {Pulls  wen  a  drawer  in  it,  and  nearly  dt^odges  an  avalanche  qf 
kitchen  chairs.)  Ob,  gracious,  it  'a  so  tight.  {Tries  to  shut  ihe  drawer.) 
Nasty  thing,  it  'a  all  stuck  together  with  the  vamub.  {The  drawer  end- 
denlg  shuts  qf  itself  with  nnnecessarg  violence,  and  the  kitchen  chairs  are 
with  dijiadtg  prevented,  by  the  jvint  efforts  tf  a  Pembroke  table  and  tke 
Umprotected  FBitALE,/nMPi  comingdowM  won  her  head.)  Oh,  somebody 
— please  could  you  help  me  with  the  table  r 

Bi^ry  Broker  {extricating  her),  'Ere  you  are,  Marm.  You'd  better 
take  me,  or  you'll  be  doing  of  yerself  a  mischief.  'Appy  to  do  any> 
think  for  you.  Marm.  But  it's  all  rubbidge  this 'ere.  'Sre'a  my 
card — my  eatabtishment's  in  Finsbory— sells  and  buys  on  commission. 

Unprotected  Female  {who  is  graduallg  being  led  away  by  the  influence  tf 
the  probable  bargains  about  her).  Thank  you;  I  only  want  one  article— 
{She  petf  arms  a  pantomime  with  snfa  cushions. 

Beery  Broker,  'Ay,  Mann— nothink  but  'ay.  I  could  let  you  'ave  a 
lot  of  prime  'orse-'air  articles  dirt  cheap. 

Promiscuous  Porter.  Want  a  Porter,  Marm  P  Wans  Xept.  and  puno- 
tiwality,  neatness,  and  despatch,  in  town  or  country.        [C^ervu  card. 

General  Jgent  (cot^ldenttailu).  Happy  to  do  anything  for  you,  Ma'am. 

Facetious  Broker  {cheerfully).  Now.  Ma'am— are  we  going  in  for  a 
little  bsrgaitt,  tOKlay  P  Bless  you,  I  m  known  to  the  authorities  and 
the  ladiM— all  baa  Jacksoh.  Attends  Custom's  Sales,  and  i»ivate 
ancHons.  IFeryperiinahioutfy. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh  1  I  wish  yon  woold  all  go.  I  don't  want 
anybody,  and  I'm  not  going  to  bay  anything. 

Mourns  Broker.  Ob,  gammon  I  I  knows  the  ladies.  Tou  on't  help 
tt.    Olio  I  There 's  FiPKivs  ffoing  upstairs. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


!!_  ^ 


Juetioneef^t  Mait  {calling  ai  door).  TwelTe  o'clock.    Bale ! 
IJ  gtneral  rmh  of  BroiKra  and  Buytrt,  m  vhick  th  UimiOTlCTfD 

Temalk  ii  9}tept  ypstairt. 
[Scene  changet  to  the  fevnt  drawiitgroom,  tciik  Mr.  FirKUts.  th€ 
AuetioHier,  in  hispulpil  oh  the  Spatiith  Mahogany  dinittg-Caals. 

AtteiioMfrr,  Now,  wbal  iihul  we  say  for  the  console  wit,L  niarbte 
slab,  turned  rosewood  1m,  nnd  ormolu  dawF  W^at  shall  we  sa/  for 
the  olaaaical  article  F  Light  poiinde  for  the  console.  Quite  rococo^ 
ladiM,  and  the  Pariftian  6t>le.  Eight  ten,  for  the  clas&icat  article — 
eicbt  Afteen  is  bid  for  the  console.  Look  at  the  style  of  tliat  Itg. 
Nine — nine  four  i*  bid— nine  fifteen.  The  slab  is  of  the  finest 
pftitowi  ontico.  (J14tf  Vm  protect  ED  TzuJihl  fottotoe  in  breathless  aiten- 
tioH.)  An  article  suited  to  the  boudoir — ten  two — ten  four  is  bid. 
No  adyance  on  ten  four  ?    Going  at  ten  four. 

(/nproteeiad  Female  [shaking  her  head  coHiemp(uowly).  Ten  pounds  four 
for  a  rublitshinK  thing  like  that !     Well ! 

Auctioneer.  Thanfc  you,  Ma'am.  Ten  sii— no  adrance  on  ten  six  for 
the  classical  article.  Going  at  ten  six — going,  gone!  {The  ctasticai 
atticU  u  knocked  down.)  Superior  pair  of  36-iDch  library  globes. 
Shall  we  say  five  pounds  for  tbe  highly  finished  globes — terrestrial  aod 
calesti&lf  The  use  of  the  globes  is  a  part  of  cverjr  education.  These 
are  the  globes  on  which  that  branch  of  the  Fcieaces  ts  taught.  Fire  four 
—five  BIX — highlv-linished  constellations.  Five  eight — ten — fourteen — 
six  pounds  is  oid — with  leather  covers  coniplele— and  a  book — going 
at  SIX. 

Unprotected  Female  {who,  not  havinc  learnt  the  vse  <f  the  globes  does 
notfotlote  thit  lot  toilk  muck  interest).  Ob.  drar.  there 's  Mas.  KofiUiaov. 
(Noddittg  tveetln  to  Uha.  R.)  How  d'  ye  do  ?  How  d'  ye  do  ? 

Anetioneer.  'ihankyou—^ix  two— going  at  six  two  ;  no  advance  on  six 
two  for  the  Kjpbes — going  at  ^iI  two — gone  !  {TU  globes  ore  knocked  down 
ai  sis  ttpo.)  The  next  lot  is  tbe  hIsbly-lJDi&lied  set  of  levellmg  instru- 
ment»i  with  case  and  sland.  complete,  by  Doddle?;  indispensable  to 
the  engineer,  and  cow  offered  at  three  pounds.  Three  ten — tliree  twelve 
—  going  at  three  twelve — no  advance  on  three  twelve  P 

Airs.  Robttaon  {nodding  the  gnestion  to  the  UvpjiOTECXED  Female). 
Are  you  going  (o  buy  ? 

(/nproteeiea  Female  (nodding  the  oMSver).  Ye^ 

Ametioneer,  Three  fourtern  is  hid.  Uuintr  at  three  fourteen— going- 
gone  I  {The  levelling  inairumeat*  are  knocked  dmen.)  A  unique  set  of 
Gobelin  tapes'  ry,  CroiM  VMris-  four  pieces  -,  the  "  lUpe  of  the  &*bine8," 
"  Acis  and  Galatea,"  "the  Triumph  of  Alexander  toe  Greai,"  and 
*'  Joshua  commandicg  the  sun  to  s'aud  still."  Tbe  set  is  ofTered  at  fifty 
guineas. 

\jChe  bidding  begins  tpiritedh^  and  hat  reached  seventg  guineas, 
teiih  the  accompaniment  <y  a  florid  bnt  rather  inaccuratr  desmp^ 
turn  o^  the  daie^  nffjeete^  and  leat  qf  the  mannfaclure  from 
Mb,  Fifkii«S.     The  hammer  is  tnspended  at  seoenty4kree  ttn. 

^ff$,  B.  {who  tsfcnd  {f  ccnversat  on.  and  apt  to  cat  ry  it  on  at  a  distant 
bg  teleoraph,  nodding  the  question),  un't  that  an  awful  price  for  such 
ugly  things? 

unprotected  Female  {whose  notions  qf  art  are  in  their  infancy^  nods  her 
answer).  Ferfeotly  ridiculous. 

Auctioneer.  Seventy-four — thank  you — going  at  seven' y-four-no 
advance  on  seventy-four— gone !  {^The  Uipestry  is  ^-nocked  down. 

[The  UuPBOTECTED  Yeualk  rccpgnises  other  acquaintances,  and  is 
pTffuse  qf  nod*  awoirgst  them. 


{A  lapse  of  three  hours. 
Auctioneer,   An  elegant  rosewood 


The  Davenport  is  put  pp  at  last. 
Uavtfuport,  Lrasa  imi&hed,  wiili 
tuiued  1^8,  and  nest  of  drawers,  complete.  What  shall  we  Eiav? 
Three  ten  for  the  Davmport.  (Unfrotected  Female  htisti/y  nods.) 
Three  twelve.  (Facetiols  Broker,  who  has  had  hit  eye  upon  her,  nods.) 
Three  fourteen.  (Beery  Bboeek  nods.)  Three  sixteen.  (PhospbrjOUS 
Broker  nods,)  Three  eighteen.  (Unfbotected  Female  nods  very 
nervously.)     Four  pounds. 

I'uprvtected  Female.  1  mustn't  go  above  four  pounds. 

[Facetious  Brokrr  iioit  j^m. 
Auctioneer.  Four  two. 

Unprotected  Female.  It  *s  a  pity  to  let  such  a  nice  thing  go.      [Nods. 

Auctioneer.  Four  four   (Unprotected  Female  nods,  otdding  agatnst 

heneif.)  Four  six.     (Mouldt   Bboeeb   nods.)    Four  eight.     {All  the 

Brokers  by  a  curious  coincidence  take  to  nodding.)  Four  ten — twelve — 

fourteen.     Five  pounds  is  bid. 

Unprotected  Female  [who  has  become  perfectly  reckless),  1  must  buy  it 
now.    They  can'l  go  beyond  five  two.  INods, 

Auctioneer.  Five  two  is  bid — five  two. 
[Theoriu  is  snatched  out  if  the  hands  of  the  Ukprotected  Female 
Be  a  fresh  bunt  qf  bidding  from  the  Brokers,  which  runs  the 
Davenport  mp  to  six  ten.    Ut^pROTXcrxD  Female,  who  seems 
to  have  lost  Mr  senses,  nods  convulsively.) 
Auctioneer,  Six  twelve  1     Going  at  six  twelve.    No  advanoe  on  six 
twelve.    Gone ! 

[The  Davenport  is  knocked  down  to  the  Unprotected  Female  at 
about  three  times  its  value.  Four  o*  clock  strikes  from  seteralqftke 
sightly  clocks,   ^ it ix»6  leaves  his  pulpit.  TheVvtRQTzciLD 


Female,  overwhelmed  with  remone  for  what  she  has  done,  riem 
dejectedly  and  is  going. 

Auctioneer's  Clerk,  'Ere,  M arm— twenty- five  per  cent  deposit,  if  you 
please.     Wait  a  moment  aod  1  Ml  make  out  yoor  Hat. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  I've  only  bought  a  Davenport  If  you'll 
tell  roe  what  1  *ve  to  deposit. 

Auctioneer's  Clerk  {casting  up).  It  Ml  be  sixty-two  pound  ten.  Mann, 
plesse. 

Unprotected  Female  (not  in  the  least  believing  her  ears^.    What  ? 

Auctioneer^  Clerk.  'Ere's  your  list,  Marm.  {Heads  rapidy.)  Rich  ^t 
marble  console,  £10  6*. ;  pair  36  inch  globes,  £6  2«. ;  set  of  levelling 
instruments,  with  case,  £3  \is. ;  set  of  four  pieces  tapestry.  £74;  a 
patent  mangle^  £0  &r. ;  a  refrigerator.  £9  4j.  ;  four  dozen  superior  Fort. 
old  crusted,  £9  10*. ;  a  double-barreUcd  fowling-piece,  with  case,  and 
extra  barrel,  £8 ;  a  dozen  door-plates  with  tbe  name  "  Skimmer,"  lit. ; 
a  bath  chair.  £13 ;  a  shop-counter,  with  fitting*,  and  a  surgeon's  door 
lanip,  £6 ;  an  opossum  skin  robe,  model  of  a  New  Zealand  oanoe.  and 
driea  head  from  New  Guinea,  £3  4«. ;  rosewood  Davenport,  £6  i2t. ; 
£62  lOx.  is  the  deposit,  Marm. 

Unprvtectcd  Female.  Oh,  gracious  goodness !  That 's  somebody 
else's  BccouD^    I'm  sure  I  never  did !  Oh,  never  I 

Auctioneer's  Clerk.  £h  ?    Every  one  knocked  down  to  yoo. 

Faetiious  Broker.  Yea,  ve  aee  *em.  We  thought  you  was  in  the 
miscellaneous  line,  Ma'am. 

Unprotected  Female.  Ob !  but  I  never  did.  I  'm  sure  I  never  did. 
I  don't  want  any  fowling-pieces,  or  door-plates,  or  dried  heads.  Ob, 
please,  I  'm  sure  i  didn't. 

Clerk.  1  ?ee  vou  bid— every  time. 

Prosperous  Broker.  'Appy  to  take  the  Davenport  off  your  bands, 
at  two  trn,  Miirm.  [Winking at  his  brethren, 

Moudy  Broker.  I'll  guT  you  two  twelve,  Marm — that's  tbe  full 
vidlr  of  ibc  article. 

Clerk.  Now,  Ma'am— if  you  '11  give  me  the  money— or  a  cheque. 

Unprvtected  Ftmale.  Oh !  but  I  hav'n't  it ;  and  I  didn't^indeed. 
Oil.  indeed — I  never  did.  Oh  I  please — you  can  inquire.  I  don't  keep 
a  shop  where  they  sell  such  things.  How  could  I  buy  instruments, 
and  wines,  and  door-ulates,  and  things  ^ 

Oerk.  Females  moJces  worry  rum  purchases.  Bless  you,  they  buys 
loads  of  things  they  doesn't  want. 

Mouldy  Broker  [tententiously).  Poor  creturs,  they  can't  *elp  it.  Sell 
the  Davenport,  Marmf 

Porter.  Appy  to  pack  your  purchases,  and  lake  'em  'ome,  Mft'am. 
Got  a  wan  bflow,  Ma'am. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  but  I  didn't.  [/«  the  exttemity  qf  agony. 

Clerk.  I  sec  you  nod  'cm  down.    Everr  one. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh— it  was  Mrs.  Robinson.    I  wasn't  bidd-ng. 
I  was  only  nodding.     I  never  bought  anything.    Ob,  never !  never ! ! 
[She  invokes  the  Umverse  to  witness.     The  Scene  cloics  on  her 
dcpair. 


THE  LUCKY  FAMILY. 

AKOTifEB  Elliott  has  been  sdded  to  the  ten  thotisand  and  one 
Elliotts  alreadjr  attached  to  Miaisterial  appointments.  A  foreigner 
would  imagine  ^at  tbe  Elliotts  bad  the  monopoly  of  talent  in  England, 
or  else  that  they  were  a  race  as  numerous  as  the  Ssutus.  Tbe  present 
reign  will  be  chronicled  in  future  histories  as  the  "Reign  of  Victorla 
*nd  the  Elliotts."  The  last  appointment  is  recortled  in  the  Doily 
Neics  of  Feb.  11.  It  seems  that  the  original  stock  of  Elliotts  is  very 
urarly  exhausted,  aod  that  they  are  now  beginning  with  the  persons 
who  have  married  into  ihe  family.  Tbe  husband  of  an  Elliott  has 
been  appointed  to  tbe  office  of  Engineer  at  the  Admiralty. 

The  CoELBGs  were  at  one  time  known  as  the  Lucky  Family  to  marry 
into.  Ir-  was  the  surest  step  to  npid  promotion.  Tbe  Eluotts,  how- 
ever, will  soon  supersede  tbem.  Next  to  a  liandsome  dowry  nothing 
will  oe  so  valuable  as  the  band  of  an  Elliott.  It  will  t>e  taken  any- 
where as  eauivalent  to  a  rood  £1000  a  yrar  st  least,  and,  if  the  times 
are  partiouWly  good,  will  be  eagerly  snatched  at  as  sure  to  throw  the 
happy  owner  into  the  best:  berth  at  the  Admiralty. 

Mil.  Hume  should  move  for  a  return  of  all  the  Eujom  who  hold 
officce  under  Government,  with  speeifications  of  their  united  agee  and 
joint  incomes. 


What  '•  in-a  Livery  P 

The  box-keepers  at  the  Olympic  Theatre  are  dressed  in  hasdeome 
liveries.  A  nervous  oid  gentleman,  who  went  to  see  Ariadne  tbe  other 
evenbg,  was  greatly  alarmed  at  their  apt>earance,  and,  wben  tbe  box- 
keeper  asked  him  for  his  ticket,  be  drew  him  aside,  and  MiJ.  after  great 
hesitation,  "  My  name  is  0&bu>Q3.  but  I  must  beg  you  will  not 
announee  it."  Ue  was  evidently  labouring  under  tbe  fear  that,  the 
moment  the  door  of  the  drcs*  circle  was  opened,  the  servant  would  oawl 
out,  in  the  loudest  voice,  "  M&.  and  Mas.  OK&iDem  t "  in  the  same  way 
that  guests  are  announced  at  an  evening  party. 


4 


I 
I 


4 


4 
I 


80 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


W 


^ 


Pirtt  (Xd FooaU,  **V/o\JLD  Tou  urb  to  sbbthe  Paper, Still    Thdib*8  NorniNO 

IK  IT." 

Sttrnd  Old  Faode.  ^  TasN  what  trk  Dbtil  did  tou  ukbp  it  so  tOMO  roal" 


THE  LATEST  HUDSON  TESTIMONIAL. 

It  is  rumoured  that  tie  "  honourable  "  member  for  Sunderland  hu  ftpphed  for 
and  becD  actually  refused  the  stewardship  of  the  Chiltern  Hundreds.  We  are  glad 
to  &ad  that  the  interests  of  these  unhsppy  hundreds,  whose  stewardahip  tuis 
generally  been  entrusted  to  any  hands^  however  dirty,  that  have  been  readr  to 
accept  the  trust,  are  at  all  events  »umctently  cared  for  to  prevent  them  from 
being  contigned  to  the  charge  of  Mr.  Hudsok.  Three  years  ago  lie  would,  no 
doubt,  have  undertaken  to  make  the  Chiltern  Hundreds  so  profitable,  that  every 
aepartte  hundred  of  them  should  pay  ten  ner  cent. ;  and  if  a  company  had  been 
advertised  with  his  name  as  Cbairman  ot  the  Board  of  Directors,  to  run  a 
railway  to  Chiltern  direct,  with  a  hundred  branches  for  the  accommodation  of 
all  the  hundreds,  the  shares  would  have  come  out  at  four  or  five  premium. 

We  never  exactly  understood  what  the  Chiitom  Hundreds  really  are,  and  our 
imagination  has  wandered  vaguely  from  a  hundred  of  walnuts  to  a  hundred  of 
ooaU;  but  whatever  thev  may  be,  they  are  considered  too  valuable,  at  any  rate,  fo 
admit  of  their  stewardshiu  being  consigned  to  the  iadividual  who  has  given  so 
unaatisfactory  an  account  o?  lus  stewardship  in  matters  of  a  more  extensive  nature. 


THB 

CENTURY  (BEHINDHAND)  OF  INVENTIONS. 

(Advebtisbmbnt.) 

Mb.  Oldcistlb  begs  to  call  the  attention  of  all  Olx> 
EKGuan  GcitTLEitEN,  and  others  of  the  old  school,  to  hit 
Ou>  Fashio'ed  iisTABLLSEMENT  for  the  sale  of  articJea  of 
all  descriptions,  in  use  among  our  forefathers  in  the  Good 
Ou>  Toas.  but  of  late  too  generally  displaced  by  a  parcel 
of  new-faogled  inventions.  M&.  0.  invites  partifolar  atten- 
tion to  hia  extensive  stock  of  genuine  Old  HouldCaxdum 
and  Dips,  warranted  made  of  mere  Tallow,  and  uaequaUed 
for  guttering,  the  Moulda  requiring  to  be  snuffed  every  five 
minutes,  and  the  Dips  oftener  still,  thus  enabling  any  enter- 
prising  MufaGKR,  desirous  of  reviving  the  PiXMr  Datb  op 
Ttrz  Draiu,  to  restore,  with  all  their  effect,  tne  original 
Foot  Lights  to  the  Stage.  Whale  Oii.,  for  Lamps,  tho- 
rougbly  unsophifilicated,  recommended  to  Tory  families  and 
BoroQKhs  in  lieu  of  Camphineand  Gas.  A  large  assortment 
of  Primitive  Tinderboxzs,  for  which  the  uostart  Con- 
creve  will  be  found  no  Match,  ^lint  and  Steel  Guns,  and 
PiatoU,  for  Fowling  and  Self- Defence,  that  snap  or  flash  in 
the  pan  full  as  freoueuily  as  t  liey  go  off,  thereby  diminishing 
by  one  half  the  ri^k  attending  the  use  of  Percussion  Fire- 
arms. Great  Coats,  four  timea  the  weight  of  any  of  the 
fUmsy  Wrappers  now  in  vogue,  and  of  a  proportionably 
handsome  price.  Heal  Beaver  Hats  that  get  rough  with  the 
least  breath  of  wind,  and  show  themaelves  to  be  30#.  artiolea, 
and  none  of  your  paltry  Paris  Nap.  Lbathkb  Brxechu 
AMD  Gait£ks  ;  also  Top  and  other  Boots  of  (antique  style 
and  workmanship.  Watches  of  ample  dimensions,  with 
Chains  or  Ribands,  and  Bunches  of^  Seals,  adaptra  to  a 
portly  gentleman's  fob. 

*«*  A  Baker's  Shop  is  attached  to  the  Establish inent  for 
the  suppler  of  the  Old  Xoaf  at  the  Ohi  Prices  to  all  those  who 
have  a  dutaste  for  the  Novel  Cheap  Bread. 


FOOD  FOR  THE  MDrt). 


Im  republics  it  is  usual  to  discard  titles  altogether,  but  everv  day  brings  forth 
some  new  and  astounding  title  in  (he  republic  of  tetters.  We  have  had  all  sorts 
of  odd  names,  including  Man  and  his  Motives,  and  Woman  and  her  Mission,  to 
which  will  no  doubt  soon  be  added  Oirl-Boy  and  his  Gig,  with  other  similar  pro- 
ductions. One  of  the  greatest  puulea  we  have  met  wiih  in  this  line,  is  a  new 
work  whose  scenes  are  evidently  laid  in  the  poultryy ard,  and  we  shall  be  much 
obliged  to  any  one  who  will  enlighten  us  aa  to  the  probable  contents  of 


NO  ACCOUNTING  FOR  TASTE. 

Vfr.  hope  that  in  the  next  edition  of  the  Phfftiokffit  tU 
Gout  some  notice  will  be  taken  of  the  following  advertiae- 
ment,  which  appeared  a  few  days  ago  in  the  Tintes.-^ 

A  MARRIED  GENTLEMAN,  whow  bniioeM  require*  him  tn 
lire  near  the  Pnnt  OfHc«,  would  Lata  no  obJacUoa  lo  TAKB 
CUAKOE  of  A  WAKEHUUSK  tn  the  city.  Ai  moMy  U  not  «a 
object,  be  would  undertake  It  on  retr  reAiookbla  taimi,  Unexc«p- 
Uotuiblc  rafercQce  will  bo  g-iven. 

Now,  in  the  name  of  common  sense,  we  would  inquire 
what  can  be  the  peculiar  attraction  to  this  Married  Gentle- 
man of  a  *'  Warehouse  in  the  City/*  that  he  should  be  ao 
desirous  of  looking  after  it.  We  misht  imagine  that 
pecuniary  considerations  supplied  a  sufficient  inducement, 
were  it  not  that '  he  expressly  repudiates  all  merccnarr 
motives  by  distinctly  alleging  that  "  money  is  not  an  object 
with  him. 

It  is  not  very  complimentary  to  the  wife  of  the  Married 
GeatlemaD,  that  he  snould  yearn  for  a  Warehouse  in  which 
to  while  away  his  leisure  hours.  He  is  perhaps  of  a  con- 
teroplalive  turn  of  mind,  and  regards  a  Warehouse  as  a 
place  well  adapted  for  meditation  after  office  hours,  when, 
to  UBQ  the  Unguage  of  the  poet— 

."Oft  in  the  stillv  night, 

Ere  slumber's  chains  have  bound  him. 
Left  there  without  n  lighf, 

With  goods  and  boxes  round  him : 
The  stools  and  chairs, 
The  sundry  wares, 

01  soUtade  the  token ; 
Leave  him  alone, 
The  clerks  all  gone. 

By  nought  the  silence  broken.'  ; 

For  an  iadividual  sentimentally  disposed,  and  anxiouB 
to  do  a  bit  of  Majiius  over  the  ruins  of  Carthage,  after 
buiiness  hours,  the  run  of  a  deserted  Warehouse  in  the 
city,  after  dark,  may  be  a  desirable  investment  of  his  leisure. 


HtKT  TO  WAXUt-COKPAXIia. 

It  has  been  calculated  that  the  Metropolis  might  be 
supplied  with  manv  tliousands  of  gallons  of  water  obtained 
by  being  separated  from  the  Loudon  milk.  If  this  be 
tnie,  whatever  Db.  Bucllamd  may  say.  a  pretty  abundant 
loaroe  of  water-supply  exists  in  the  obalk  formation. 


UNCH— Iftfiog  bis  band 
upon  a  blank  sheet  of 
foolscAp— has  registered 
a  vow  to  take  no  sort  of 
pleastire,  to  mix  in  no 
vaiadelight.nntU  be  shall 
have  performed  &  solemn 
duty  to  the  City  of  Lon- 
don, and  a  heart-deep 
satisfaction  1o  himself. 

PuneA  calls  upon  ail 
men  vith  hearts  in  their 
breast  9f  and.whnt  is  more, 
with  Bixpencps  in  their 
nockcLs  —  upon  all  such 
happy  being?,  to  come 
forth,    and  aubucribe  at 
least    a  tester  towards 
a    monament   for   Sta 
Fkter  LmRTE!    Lon- 
don's   Sir  Petbr— ilie 
world's  8xa   Petib  — 
PuHfKa  SirPeteb! 
It  is  needful  to  tftke 
breath  before  Punch  attempts  to  number  the  many  claims  of  his 
hero  to  the   peculiar  cousideration  of    the    world  —  the  many 
public  virtues  of  Laurie,  the  Knight  of  Uie  Thistle ! 

Has  he  not  entirely  put  down  suicide  ?  Jlas  man  or  woman 
sought  untimely  death,  since  Sir  Petes  sonorously  declared  that 
he  would  no  ionper  permit  the  custom  of  djiof??  Since  the 
time  that  Sir  PeT£B  made  thesraTo  ridiculoua—from  that  hour,  no  amner  haa  volun- 
tarily sought  it;  a  sustaining  truth,  to  be  vouched  for  by  all  coroners ! 

lias  not  Sir  Pkter  dccmred  for  the  impenitence  of  erring  man?  Has  be  not  pro- 
pounded the  grand  idea — that  has  sunk  like  a  leaden  plummet  into  the  very  depths  of 
society — that  once  a  thief,  always  a  thief  P  Would  not  Sib  Peteh,  if  he  could,  lock  the 
gate  of  mercy,  and  throw  away  the  key  ? 

Uaa  not  Sm  Peter  demoliahed  Joshpu  Ady— annihilated  Jacob's  Island— and  repealed 
the  wood-pavement — the  Utter  thing,  as  one  would  bare  thought,  quite  after  Sia 
Petkb's  own  head  and  heart  F 

Haa  not  SiE  Peter 

(But  here,  our  pensive  printer  informs  Q3  tliat  be  has  no  room  in  the  present  nnmber 
for  the  full  treatment  of  the  theme. — Punch  must  therefore  say  nothinRofat  least  abuabcl  of 
Sir  Peter's  claims,  and  nirh  a  pang  for  the  omission— come  to  Sir  Peter's  last,  and* 
perhaps,  liis  greatest  triumph  !) 

Has  not  Sir  Peter  cut  down  [the  proposed  salary  nf  Mr.  Stuon,  the  city  officer  of 
h'  ali-h.  from  £700  a  vear  to  £500  P  Has  be  not  saved  the  city  £300  per  annum  P  He  has : 
and  if  the  £200  divided  into  fart.hings,  and  endowed  with  copper  voice,  could  shout  or  squeal 
StR  Peter's  praise— poor,  small,  weak,  and  all  unworthy,  would  be  the  approving  sound. 
No ;  upon  every  waroiing-nan,  upon  every  candle-fltick~>upon  all  things  brazen  and  brassy, 
the  praise  of  La.ubje  should  b(^  struck  with  loud  and  approving  hoUowness ! 

Mark,  bow  finely— how  loRically— Sih  Peter  disposes  of  Ma.  Simon.  The  Man  of 
Health  is  utterly  demolished  by  the  Knight  of  Wisdom : — 

**l(e  eotuMorod  tbat  Mx.BiiioN'a  Brport  wu  quite  enough  to  glvn  any  one  the  choler*.  {LattgXtir).  He 
mrned  tbayConrt  that,  If  ih«y  were  to  Lncraue  mtlvies  evpry  Urae  they  had  kd  iBterwUng  Beport,  neit 
year  their  feo)(nc«  wuld  be  huroired  np  to  tho  latocnUble  extent  of  lOOOt.  a  year  {LamgkUr).  The 
uoMtnt  of  600i.  a  year  was  anipla  mtnuwraUoa  far  all  tbfl  aerricaa  whlcb  ooold  bn  reqnlrad  tnm  an  o0c«r 
of  health  for  a^pulation  of  only  00,000  pcnoiie,  nad  be  thould  oppOM  any  tnereaio  of  amouat  where  there  waa 
no  locreaae  of  iluty," 

8iK  Peter's  powers  of  humour  are  tremendous.  He  would  be  too  much  for  the  gravity 
of  an  ape.  There  was  a  certain  philosopher  who  died  in  a  fit  of  laughter,  upon  seeinj?  a 
donkey  eat  6ga.  If,  in  return,  any  individual  of  the  race  of  asses  is  to  be  killed  by  hAanDr 
a  philosopher  make  a  joke,  Laurie  is  the  man  predestined  to  that  execution.  Let  all 
asses  beware  of  him ! 


THE  SUN'S  WALK. 

The  san  got  up  from  his  damp  sea  bed, 

For  a  tour  of  observation 
He  donned  bis  paletot  of  London  for, 

And  his  nightcap  of  Thames  exbauLtton, 
In  whose  fleecy  haee  he  wraps  up  hia  nys, 

When  he  visits  the  Englisu  nation. 

He  toddled  down  to  St.  Stephen's 

On  a  Wednesday  daylight  sitting, 
And  heard  Ministers  quash  a  proposal  raali, 

For  the  window-tai  remitting : 
And  the  Sun  remarked.  "They've  sat  in  the  dark. 

Till  for  dark  than  light  they  're  more  fitting." 

From  St.  Stephen's  he  turned  to  St.  GUea*. 

Guided  less  by  leeing  than  smelling. 
For  he  ran  his  nose  'gaiust  the  waila  toat  rose 

Hound  each  damn  and  darksome  dwelling. 
**  No  wonder,"  said  he.  "  they  won't  admit  me, 

Lest  of  such  sights  I  should  be  telling." 

He  met  bis  old  foe.  Fever, 
At  his  feast  in  the  damp,  so  goulish ; 

And  heard  Mr.  Bcmble,  at  the  Poor-rates  gnunble, 
Which  struck  him  as  somewhat  owlish ; 

While  the  guardians  who  lord  o'er  the  parish  board 
Are  Messrs.  Penny-wise  and  Pound  foolish. 

Like  mites  from  old  cheese,  the  houses 

Poured  forth  their  squalid  dwellers; 
The  young  folks  sallow,  the  old  green-yellow. 

And  all  those  blanched  cheeks  were  tellers 
Of  the  same  sort  of  tate  as  the  lettuces  pale 

Grown  by  amateurs  in  cellars. 

He  tried  to  get  into  a  tenement 

Which  was  let  oat  to  these  poor  creatures. 
Bat  each  window  waa  barred  by  (he  tax  so  hard 

Against  a  glimpse  of  his  features : 
DaTiight  and  fresn  air  had  no  business  therci 

Except  as  over-reachert. 

From  out  of  an  open  oess-pool 

He  saw  the  gas  freely  wander, 
Poisons  more  and  less  pure,  from  gully  and  sewer— 

And  it  c&used  the  Sun  to  ponder. 
"  What  harm  could  it  be,  if  I  were  as  free, 

As  Mr.  Typhus  yonder  ^" 

All  through  Saffron  Hill  he  strove  to  get  in. 

But  they  wouldn't  give  him  pennisaion  : 
He  tried  Kosemary  Lane  and  Whitcchapel  in  vain, 

'Gainst  the  tax-gath*rer'a  opposition ; 
Till  after  a  while,  to  a  stately  pile. 

All  amased,  he  found  free  admission. 

"  Ha !  Ha ! "  thought  he,  "  'tis  easy  to  see, 

Here 's  a  better  dispensation : 
This  no  doubt  is  a  home  to  which  old  folks  come. 

Who  *ve  deserved  well  of  the  nation ; 
A  resort  for  the  old  age  of  Industrj*, 

Or  a  club  for  people  of  station." 

He  wandered  at  ease  through  the  pa8sages» 
Peeped  through  windowa  wide  and  airy. 

Roamed  the  light  corridors,  npon  all  the  floors, 
Prom  the  attics  down  to  the  area ; 


Mb.  Simom's  Report"— propounded  liAUBiE— "  was  quite  enough  to  give  any  one  the   When  with  sudden  dismay  he  heard  somebody  say 


cholera."  Whereupon,  tlie  Alderman  i  proposes  that  the  salary  of  the  man  who  is  to  take 
pood  heed  of  the  peat,  doing  hia  best  to  delcAt  the  evil,  shall  have  the  lesser  reward— &KX) 
in  Lieu  of  £700.  Or,  rather,  does  not  Lat;ilie,  in  his  own  waggish  way,  mean  to  insinuate 
that  the  Report  is  a  flam— a  ghostly  romance— a  mortal  falsehood,  concoctedlwith  the  base 
intention  of  frightening  honest  aldermen  into  cleanliness?  Is  not  the  whole  document  a 
subtle  assault  upon  the  time-honoured  interests  of  dirt  P 

Any  way,  SiK  Peter's  amendment  waa  triumphant.  He  moved  in  defence  of  muck, 
and  carried  his  motion.  M'hereupon,  we  would  have  a  monument  erected  to  LsuaiE— a 
monument  suggestive  of  his  public  worth  and  sterling  talent.  Something  that  should 
combine  a  double  compliment  to  his  utility  and  his  economy.  Hence,  we  would  propose 
the  ereclion  of  an  inverted  Tin  Slop-Pail  (with  a  proper  inscription)  to  the  honour  of  the 
Alderman.    A  Tin  Slop-Pail,  on  a  slab  of  Scotch  Granite  I 

W*  are  rather  pleased  with  the  notion  of  the  significanoe  of  the  thing.  It  is  at  once, 
hoUow,  dirty,  and  cheap. 

y      -  ' 

A  HiOHLT  RtsPECTiBLE  "Pahtt."— A  PcrsoB  in  waot  of  an  occupsUon,  and  advertising 
for  the  same  in  the  Time9^  informa  the  world,  that "  The  advertiser  being  highly'respectable, 
no  retail  business  will  tuit."  This  gentleman  seems  to  be  somewhat  less  consequential  logi- 
cally than  ha  is  personally.  His  address  is  given  u  K.— Should  it  not  hare  been  S.N.O.B.  P 


Iwas  the  Peniten-li-ary 


Official  Ohanges. 

Gat£-Keepzr  Joxes  has  taken  possession  of  his 
country  seat— the  Windsor  chair — at  the  entrance  to 
the  euclosure  of  St.  James's  Park,  and  Constable 
Shitu  of  Kensington  Gardens  is  staying  for  the 
present  lit  bis  little  box  in  Bayswater.  The  family 
of  the  Browks  remiin  at  the  Lodge,  Hyde  Park, 
and  hold  their  Ginger  Beer  mating*  and  Curds  and 
Whey  r^nions  as  usual.  There  is  a  rumour  of  a  va- 
cancy in  the  Gate-keepery  of  one  of  the  Parks,  but  it 
would  be  premature  to  say  anything  at  present.  We 
have  iiowever  heard  that  an  oiBcial  cane  will  shortly 
be  at  the  disnosal  of  the  Government,  and  we  need 
not  say  that  uiere  will  be  no  difficulty  in  finding 
many  candidates  on  whom  the  cane  *  might  bs 
bestowed  most  advantageously  aad  dea«rTedly. 


k 


OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


EABL  OF  HAEEWOOD  FORBIDDING  THE  BANNS. 

OTICR — In  contequence  of  the  coDtinucd  Practico  of  oTercrowding  and  taldog 

Lodnn  loto  tbe  cottactf  or  tbe  Uftrawoc^  BsUte  (moK  emdnllr  rtltiTn  Un  t1Du« 

atknwooi),  ooDtrary  to  Ibe  axpreas  agrMmcnt  uid  regulation*;  Notice  li  ba«l(f 

r«n  that  way  Coltitgvr  bekiK  a  Tenant  of  Eahi.  Haukwood,  aud  who  abftU  from  Iba 

alfl  bftrtof  take  Id  anjr  Lodger,  or  wboae  Son  or  Cangbtar  ahall  norrjr  pr  trw^  komt 

to  the  ceftta^e.  Wife  or  Huvbuid,  irilAmil  Aotrfa^  ffMiauMty  6btamtd  rtkiaiuoir  mm  fhB 

K.  or  11^  ihall  reo»tr6  notlc«  ioqait,vbtcta  oottoa  ibaU  be  atrlcUf  enfoRMd«  aod  tf 

in  amplnyinvnt  of  tbeaald  £.  H.,  shall  ba  ^iaebarged.  W.  HAUoiLajr,  Agent. 

A  NOBLEUAV  in  1h«  nortli  of  England,  hu  iBsued  the  above  notice  to 
bis  tenantry,  prohibi'ing  tbem  from  taking  lodgers  into  ttieir  cottages, 
oratiowing  asoa  or  daughter  to  nv^rry  and  bring  home  a  wife  or  a 
buBbaod,  "  without  having  previously  obtained  pennission  "  from  the 
peer  alluded  to.  This  measure  is  adopted,  on  the  plea— which  is  not 
a  bad  one— of  preventing  the  over-crowding  of  cottages ;  but  we  think 
we  could  suggest  souietliiug  better  than  a  prohibition  of  those  lies 
which  Providence  designed  should  be  formed,  and  which  it  seems  must 
not  be  formed  upon  certain  estates,  without  the  sanction  of  the  landlord, 
on  pain  of  ejection  from  home,  and  dismiBsal  from  emplo}-mcnt. 

If  instead  of  pulling  down  cottages  on  their  estates,  landlords  would 
build  more,  so  that  it  would  be  unnecessary  to  crowd  lliose  that  exist, 
with  lodgers ;  and  a  son  or  daughter  upon  marriage,  could  find  another 
roof  beside  that  of  the  parcut,  the  prohibitiua  referred  to  in  this  case, 
would  not  be  required. 

Perhaps,  too.  if  wages  were  rather  belter,  there  would  be  no  neces- 
sity for  a  landlord  to  forbid  the  banns,  with  a  view  to  the  prevention 
of  what,  instead  of  baing  as  they  ought  to  be  and  niifcht  be,  happy 
and  pnident  unions,  are  in  ninety-nine  cases  out  of  a  hundred, 
"  Improvident  Marriages." 


We  have  in  our  time  heard  various  articles  mentioned  aa  tbe  props  of 
our  Klorious  Constitution,  but  thire  has  never  been  any  question  as  to 
the  fact  of  "twelve  men  m  a  box"  affording  much  material  support  to 
British  hberty.  We  admit  the  truth  of  the  assertiuii,  I  bough,  as  thr 
"box"  i«  oontinually  changing  its  contents,  the  twelve  props  will 
occasionally  tarn  out  to  be  twelve  sticks,  a  circumstance  of  little  con- 
sequence, for  the  props  are  merely  temporary,  and  one  set  is  being 
always  replaced  by  another  set,  so  that  the  ^alue  of  liberty  is  not  likely 
to  suffer  much  from  casual  in^rmi^y. 

The  following  paragraph  taken  from  a  leader  in  the  Time*  will  throw 
A  light  upon  What  we  have  been  sayiog — 

"  The  Jury,  with  that  Ingenloni  facility  of  camproinlae  tn  whicb  Jurina  alone  attain 
pronounofut  a  venUot  Car  tba  Jefaodaat,  wbo  had  charaelpriiird  Ha.  O'CoHxoit  aa  a 
■wtodlar,  and  then  exprcned  tlwlr  opiidoa  that  tbe  boDcetjr  of  the  Utter  jjcotlcuiatt 
*«t<XRl  ualmpeached.' " 

Wa  were  as  much  puzzled  as  our  contemporary  at  the  result  alluded 
to  in  the  above  extrac*.  but  as  our  Constitution  is  often  said  to  be 
a  perfeGlly  oonaiitent  whole,  though  made  up  of  a  mass  of  appaieot^y 
conflioiing  particles,  we  must  believe  that  great  Constitutional 
autburiiy,  a  British  jury,  to  be  always  right  in  the  main,  though 
apparently  coming  to  a  conclusion  involving  the  most  palpable  con- 
tradictions. How  a  man  ran  be  monounced  a  swindler  withuut  having 
been  libelled,  or  Buffered  the  smallest  impeachment  of  his  character,  is 
lo  us  a  riddle,  which  we  cannot  hope,  and  wilt  notattempt  to,  cluoidate- 
The  decision  in  the  case  before  un  reminds  ns  of  the  old  Irish  verdict 
of  "Murder,  and  served  turn  right;"  for  ihe  jury  in  Mr.  Kk-^rcvs 
O'Coknor's  case,  »ay  iu  fffect,  that  the  defendant  was  juititied  in 
abusing  the  plaiutifT,  but  that  his  character  remains  unimpeached. 

lliere  seems  to  us  to  have  been  a  br  no  means  "soft  impeachment/' 
wliich  if  unmerited— as  the  jury  decided  it  was— should,  we  imagine, 
have  entitled  the  plaintiff  to  damages.  If  a  man  has  hi«  eyes  blacked, 
his  nose  broken,  and  his  teeth  knocked  out  by  an  assault,  it  would  be 
be  Tery  hard  when  he  appeals  to  the  law,  to  be  told  to  his  very  terth, 
and  in  the  very  face  of  uii  damaged  features,  that  lie  is  none  the  worse 
and  that  his  assailant  is  acquitted.  Such  is  the  consolation  Mb.  FcaR- 
oos  O'CoKKOB  has  cxperipnced.  He  goes  into  Court,  declaring  be  baa 
been  beaten  black  ana  blue  in  reputation.  The  defendant  does  not 
deny,  but  justifies  tbe  treatment  he  has  offered  to  the  plaintiff,  who, 
when  be  seeks  redress.  U  told  "tliere,  run  along,  go  away,  you're  not 
hurt  in  the  least ;  and  the  person  who  has  attacked  you  is  not  guilty 
of  any  thing." 


It  is  suggested  that  Mr.  Fiargus  0'Ck)KKOB  and  Mr.  HuDAOif  had 
better  pair  off  immediately. 


THE  LIMBO  OF  GREiTNESS. 

Madamb  Tussatjd  may  be  called  the  old  clotheswoman— the  aeoond- 
hand  broker  of  this  world's  pomp.  "  The  greatest  price  given  for  left- 
ofT  vanities "  mtKhl  be  wrifieii  over  her  doorway ;  and  aa  the 
d&Dgling  black  doll  indicates — though  wherefore,  we  must  write  and 
ask  the  editorial  conjuror  of  Notti  and  Queriet.  to  know — that  rags 
are  nurchascd  within,  so  should  a  tin  crown  and  wooden  sceptre,  sus- 
pended in  Baker  Street,  give  oommercial  notice  to  tbe  heirs  and 
executors  of  departed  greatness-  At  the  sale  at  Marlborough  House, 
Madake  Tussaud  has  been  an  adventurooa  ptirdiaaer. 

"  Tbe  faU-leDgUi  portnUta  of  thatr  late  M%)estlei,  Oioaos  tbb  Thisd  aod  Qimir 
CuAaurrrc,  ronurrly  oocapylog  poattlona  to  tbe  gnnd  dliiloK*n)om,  and  Uckateil  at 
£5?  oach,  bave  foood  faTour  to  the  algbt  of  Madahi  Tomaou,  fn  wdom  aalooo  tbe^ 
will  bfloeaforth  Im  aaaoclaled  irltb  tbelr  proiotypea  in  wax." 

That  the  father  of  his  peo;>le,  and  the  mamma  to  match,  should  be 
made  part  and  parcel  of  a  shilling  show !  That  pictures,  so  sinoerely 
venerated,  so  passionately  idolised  in  the  life-time  of  their  originals, — 
ahould  be  treated  with  no  more  reverence  than  the  daub  of  any  King's 
Head  "  that  swings  and  creaks  at  the  door-way  of  an  ale-house !  There 
is  a  nef;Lect,  a  want  of  gratitude  in  this,  that  is  melancholy — depressing. 
We  think  tuc  rightful  reverence  of  folks  in  high  places  is  perilled  by  a 
custom  that  associates  their  relics  with  a  Iwclvepenny  treat.  iH»«?A 
would  Uierefore  suggest  a  higher  kind  of  Humane  Society,  whose 
business  it  should  be  toputotiase  and  presen-e  the  remains— whether 
pictorial  or  household — of  great  people,  that  the  vulgar  may  not— as 
vulgar  people  arc  very  apt  to  do — tiiiunph  in  their  degradation  and 
adversity. 

When  Qeorgb  and  Cuajllottb  eat  for  these  pictures,  it  would  have 
been  a  wickedness  approaching  high  treason,  to  dream  of  their  future 
fate — a  destiny  that  now  makes  the  veraeffigui  of  sacred  msjeaiy  a  part 
of  a  show  with  the  infernal  machine  of  l^uciil,  and  tbe  satin  gown  of 
Hs^.  Maxmikq  ! 


HARD  DRIVINQ  AT  MANCHESTER. 

Manchester  is  now  exhibiting  performances  in  the  coaching  line 
nnnvalled  from  the  time  of  the  Olympic  charioteers  to  the  palmiest  daya 
of  the  turnpike-road.  Crrrain  mill-owners  there  are  driving  coachea- 
and-six  through  an  Act  of  Parliament,  namely,  the  Ten  Hours'  Bill,  in 
which  blundering  legislation  has  left  a  gap  admitting  the  operation  of 
the  shitt  and  relay  lystem,  and  tbui  of  lot  driving  acluevement  above 
mentioned.  The  gap  ought  to  be  stopped  as  soon  as  possible,  ainoe 
the  Manchester  ooacb-and-six,  like  a  sort  of  JucoEBKAnT's  car,  roU% 
in  passing  throojrh  it,  over  the  unfortunate  factory  children.  Horaoi 
alludes  to  the  Olympic  dust,"  or  the  dust  created  by  the  ancient 
chariots;  the  Manchester  coach-and-six  has  raised  a  dust — apart 
from  "  devil's  dust"— which,  it  is  to  be  hoptd,  will  ere  long  arrest  tiio 
progress  of  the  vehictf . 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I 


CrVTL  WOTIDS  COST  SOMKTKING. 

Oin  would  iiDaAiiie  that  there  wu  no  ^eat  barm  in  askiog  for  ■ 
thinip,  even  if  nothing  w&s  to  be  got  by  it;  but  Ibc  fact  is,  that  if 
nothiDff  is  got  by  it,  a  great  deal  is  lost  by  it  when  askiug  takes  the 
form  of  a  petition  to  Partiament.  It  is  to  be  wished  that  people  who 
are  always  waiitiug  impossibilitiea  would  be  satisBed  with  a  refusal,  and 
take  an  answer  onre  for  all,  instead  of  goine  to  the  legislftture  annually 
with  a  request  which,  if  it  leads  to  no  Bm  in  either  Hou)>e>  saddles 
JoHV  Bull  with  a  pnnling  and  stationer;  bill  of  no  ordinary  magnitude. 
It  is  true  rnough  that  Pariiament  gives  nothiug  unless  it  ui  asked,  but 
there  is  so  much  unnecessary  axeing  as  to  call  loudlr  for  the  pruntng< 
knife.  The  teetolaUera  have  spent  a  little  fortune  of  the  public  money 
in  petitioning  that  all  the  spirit  shall  be  taken  out  of  the  army  and  navy, 
while  tlie  petitions  for  economy  have  been  poured  in  and  printed  at  such 
an  extravagant  rate,  that  a  large  amount  of  taxation  is  absolutely 
necessary  to  pay  for  them. 

Civil  words,  we  arc  told,  cost  nothing;  but  the  number  of  civil  words 
addressed  to  the  legislature  would  fonii  a  very  fomndable  itent  among 
the  Civil  Contingencies.  £very  one  who  has  a  wish,  and  chooses  to 
turn  it  into  wishy-washy  language,  hashes  up  a  petition,  and  gets  some 
Member  to  move  that  it  t>e  printed,  when  forthwith  John  Bull  has  to 
par  a  heavy  sum.  because  Snooxs  is  anxious  1o  see  the  Uuidoos  pro- 
vided with  copT-DOoke,  or  Murro^i  Gramman  distributed  among  the 
Yahoos,  or  would  like  to  see  the  duty  taken  o(T  every thiuR ;  or  because 
Snobuins  wants  a  Charter,  with  eight  or  nine  new  points  to  it. 

We  appreciale  at  its  utmost  value  the  privilege  of  petiuonioe 
Parliament,  but  we  like  moderation  in  everything,  and  wc  think 
petitioning  is  carried  on  in  these  days  with  somewhat  too  little  regard 
to  either  reason  or  economy.  It  seems  that  there  is  annnallr  a  very 
large  sum  expended  in  sintply  folding  petitions;  so  that,  in  addition  to 
the  outlay  for  printing  them,  it  costs  not  a  trifle  to  double  up  and  do 
for  them.  If  the  legislature  would  make  a  point  of  giving  us  good 
measures  without  waiting  to  be  asked,  the  trouble  and  expense  of 
petitioning  or  printing  petitions  would  diminish  very  rapidly. 


to  ea^,  if  these  foreign  beggars  are  allowed  to  cut  the  groond 
from  under  our  feet.  Free  Trade  in  our  profession  will  not  do.  I 
demsnd  Protection  for  Native  Industry,  and  we  must  have  it :  or  else 
in  a  short  time  Begging  will  be  reducvd  to  i>uch  a  low  thing,  that  no 
Gent  will  think  of  turning  his  talents  to  it.  We  cannot  compete  with 
these  Lascars,  and  that's  the  plain  black  and  white  of  it.  1  call  on 
Ma.  Disbaeu— at  least  I  would,  if  I  knew  his  address— to 

PROTF.CT  THE  BRITISH  BKOOAR. 
"Please.  Sir,  Gnd  a  comer  for  this  cry  of  an  Old  liOndon  Bejsgir, 
who  is  nearly  reduced  from  affluence  to  beggary  in  consequence  oTtlua 
confounded  free  IVade.    1  have  the  honour  to  remain 

"The  Origikal  Bboxfn-Dow>-  REsrECTABLK  Tradbbmaw.'* 
"['redrawn  upa  petition  tmbod^ing  the  above  facts,  on  the  door- 
step of  the  National  Gallery,  where  it  lies  every  day  for  the  simaturo 
of  all  true  Protectionists.     If  Mak}(zrs  is  the  gentleman  I  lake  hioi 
to  be,  he  will  call  upon  me,  and  put  bis  noble  hand  to  it." 


MOItE  PROTECTION  FOR  NATIVE  INDUSTRY. 

mcB, — I've  been  a  beggar 
DOW  of  thirty  years*  slandiog. 
I 'm  the  original  broken-down 
r,^ji  respectable  Iradesnian,  with  a 
worn-out  pair  of  gloves,  who 
holes  his  head  down  in  shame 
for  selling  sticks  of  sealing- 
wax  in  the  open  streets.    You 
must  have  observed  me  leaning  against  a 
doorpost   in  St.  Martin's  Court,   and  in 
Leicester  Smiare.  and  about  the  most  takinir 
corners  of  lieKent  Street.    I'm  very  well 
known  about  town ;  and  by  the  artistic  way 
in  wliich  I  almost  sink  to  the  ground,  have 
picked  up  many  a  good  dinner.    My  crea* 
ture  connfortB,  however,  have  been  sadly 
walked  into  lately,  by  a  set  of  impostors 
that  have  no  business  in  London  at  all—/ 
ulimdt  to  ihoH  Lasfan.     Tfaev  block   up 
eTBTT  aller.  and  crawl  about  in  long  proces- 
sions with  their  bands  upon  each  other's 
shoulders.      In  the  frosty   weather    they 
come  in  for  all  the  coppers ;  for,  let  me 
shiver  as  much  as  I  will,  I  cannot,  for  the 
life  of  mr,  look  half  so  dead  with  the  cold 
as  tbev  do  with  their  thin  muslin  kilfs  and 
stiirt  sleeves  that  look  as  if  they  had  been 
anowedupon.  The  town  swarms  with  these 
blacks ;    and    they  will    ultimately    drive 
every  respectable  English  beggar  out  of 
the  market,  unless  Pbotection  is  instantly 
given  to  the  nat.ive  manufaclurer. 

"We  cannot  compete  with  these  foreign 
beggars.  Their  wages  are  much  lower  than  ours.  They  can  live  upon 
lets,  conseqnentlv  do  not  mind  working  for  less ;  and  thev  can  get  up  a 
Bore  showy  srticle  for  less— an  inferior  aKicle,  it  is  true,  nut  one  which 
goes  off  better  on  scoount  of  its  gaudy  sUring  colour.  Tliey  CAn  start 
without  a  farthing's  capital,  excepting  an  old  sheet;  whilst  we  English 
artists  require  meaas  to  cultivate  the  parement,  which  I  call  'the 
beggar's  raw  saaierial :'  and  we  most  have  money  lo  buy  sealing-wax,  or 
aocoont-books,  or  chalk  and  coloan,  to  turn  that  raw  material  into 
•nvthing  like  a  paying  price. 

I  can  assure  you.  Sir.  those  Laseara  are  eating  the  venison  off  our 
plates.     We  soon  shan't  have  a  leg  of  mutton  to  stand  upon,  or  a 


AN  INFLUENTIAL  ORGAN  TO  MR  PUNCH, 

"Sra, 

*'  LiKZ  yourself,  1  am  an  organ  of  some  importanoe.  I 
express  the  feelings  and  sentiments  of  some  of  the  greatest  men  that 
ever  lived.  For  instance,  1  am  frequenly  the  exponent  of  no  less  a 
mind  than  thst  of  the  immortal  lUKnEL.  I  expect,  therefore,  that 
you  will  admit  my  opinion  to  be  of  some  weight, 
I  "  You  appear  to  think  it  scandalous  thai  the  late  Secretary  to  the 
I  Ecclesiastical  Commission  has  disapiicared  with  a  large  amount  of 
j  Church  property,  unpursued  by  a  detective  constable,  uDsdvcrtised  in 
the  Hue  ami  Cry.  To  me  it  seems  a  matrer  of  indifference  whether  the 
funds  should  have  been  appropriated  by  the  Secretary,  or  misapplied, 
as  doubtless  thtv  would  have  been,  otherwuie,  in  bmldiug  Kpiscopal 
'  Alhambras.  PrclBtc&'  palaces,  I  take  it,  hsvc  run  away  witu  more 
money  than  the  Secretary  has. 

"It  would  t>e  another  matter  if  the  property  had  been  likely  to  be 
devoted  to  any  us^.  For  instance,  if  the  Commissioners  had  designed 
to  consider  me  in  its  distribution.  Minii,  I  am  privileged  to  blow  my 
own  Irumpet-stcp. 

**  The  proverb  says  that  one  is  known  by  one's  associates.  Were  this 
fnie,  1  should  be  sorry.  What  a  character  I  shotdd  have,  if  judged  of 
by  the  \fX  of  choristers  and  stnging-men  that  I  am  forced  to  accompany  1 
A  class  of  vocalists,  whom  no  manager  would  engage  as  supemu- 
meraries,  hired  at  menial's  wages  to  perform  in  a  church ! 

"  Now,  a  little  more  money  woold  create  a  much  better  choir;  and 
half  the  sum  that  has  been  swallowed  bv  the  Secretary  and  Bishops'  archi- 
tects would  have  made  me  and  my  children — the  sons  of  sacred  harmony 
—happy.    Come,  Sir,  and  listet— 

**  *  Wlwra  thronsh  tha  long-drmwu  kUI*  aiid  rretted  rtall 
TIm  pssllag  antlMiD  iiweUfl  Um  notei  of  prftlee,' 

and  say  whether  the  execution  of  the  said  anthem  is  not,  nine  times  in 
ten.  a  disgrace  lo  the  pisce,  the  age,  the  Dean  and  Chapter,  and  the 
Ecclesiasiiod  Commissioners.  1  protest  agKinst  being  made,  as  I  con* 
stantir  am,  an  acceasarr  to  the  murder  of  old  Tau.i3,  and  Naitcs,  and 
Db.  GnxEK,  and  Da.  Blow.  In  the  name  of  St.  Ceciua  I  invoke  the 
Commissioners  to  bestow  a  portion  of  their  ample  means  in  sid  of 

"  Thz  Cathedrai.  Oboaji." 


RUINATION  FOR  GOWNSMEN. 

A  ClBCULAR,  issuing  from  a  certain  Inn  of  Court,  offers  on  the  part 
of  a  recently  established  "  firm,"  calling  themselves  Legal,  Clerical, 
and  Frivste  AKcnts,  to  transact  every  description  of  private  agenoy, 
to  give  their  clients  gratiutoos  legal  advice,  to  procure  pupils  for  the 
Bar  and  the  Church,  to  buy  and  selladvowsons,  to  collect  tithes  and  rents, 
to  negotiate  loans,  arrangements  with  creditors,  and  the  purchase  and 
fa'c  of  estates  :  in  short,  it  would  seem,  as  agents  or  doer*,  to  do  all. 
every  thing,  and  every  tiody,  that  is  to  be  done.  We  are  induced  to 
put  this  apparently  uncharitable  construction  on  their  virwi  in  oonse> 
qi;ence  of  their  scheme  with  regard  to  gentlemen  in  difficulties,  in- 
cluding a  proposal  ol 

"  Mftklnc  mch  Noooabla  Cult  uItuxm  u  the  nttun  of  tlielr  aflklr*  Hsy  rs^nlnt 
tttoi  ocUdc  Id  ftprfvAtS  muiD«r  «■  B«uk«n  to  mt  CUmta;  and  w«  h>T«  ra*MO  to 
hvtivre  ttvm  mir  furmrr  expvricnce,  tbftt  thlt  fMtorc  Id  oqt  bottiwM  it  av  aoooH- 
MODlTIOll   MTCH  aCQCISID  ST    UVDIBCaADUATBS   AT  0l70U>  ATO  CAmsnMB." 

A  nice  arrangement  this  for  defeaiioi?  any  ineasures  tliat  maybe 
adopted  by  I'niversity  authorities  for  preventing  vouDg,  foolish,  extra- 
vagant Undergraduates  from  running  into  debt!  A  capital  plan  for 
removing  any  obstacles  which  the  ingenuity  of  parents,  guardians, 
tutors,  may  place  iu  the  way  of  such  spirited  youths  on  the  road  to 
ruin.  We  should  like  to  know  what  interest  is  charred  by  Mzasas. 
Htjmswowtb,  "S.  C.  L..  Oxon.'  and  Mb.  Sput,  **  B.  A,  Cantab;" 
also  in  what  proportion  their  advances  on  bills  may  consist  of  bricks, 
oc  British  Havannahs,  or  "  gross  of  green  speotacles." 


BRIQGS 


Mb.  Bmoqi  cam't  biab  tliivq  ixatb,  to  hb  makes  yob  a  oa: 

U  TOWnrfi  THAT  BB  WILL  mCBfOBK  Mm.  B.  IT  HI  coxia 


■VHICn  la  miCBDlATBLT  raXBD  BT  A  nUMTIC  pROTBmONIST,  WHO 
0ALL0FEB3UTBBUa"  OTXB  HIS  FENOES — DAMOXD   I?  B£  DOAMT 


STANLEY'S  POOH  DOLLY- 

Wht  is  SiAJfUV  mdUticholv  f 

CLAREVDOff  liu  tpoilM  hit  UOtLT, 

Scntchcd  tliR  rolour  off  h«r  face, 

SmMbfld  poor  I)ot,T>r'N  frmffite  CAM), 

Toiird  her  likit  »  itiuttlpooftk, 

Tom  to  hiti  her  onuicn  frocks 

Kicked  tod  beitdn  her  fthoiit. 

Hipped  Qp  and  turned  hf.r  tn»Jd«  out, 

Dwna|t«d  her  in  rvenr  point, 

Put  her  noite  nuito  mil  uf  jjint, 

Puird  her  ImiU  off,  left  nut  ona 

Leg  for  lier  to  aluid  upon ; 

And — AB  in  Bhort  it  mny  be  aald-~ 

Completely  knocked  her  on  the  head ; 

And  all  because  of  STAftLsr*!  folly. 

Who  would  teate  CLABzuDOir  'boai  Dollt. 


Prunkenneaa  in  Bport  mede  Sober  Eenieat 

*'  Tell  me,"  wya  the  Querist.  "  which  ihould  be  prcrerred,  brandy- 
and-water  in  tbeir  combined  rtate.  or  brandy  and  water  aeparateF" 

"  VeriJy/*  rrplie*  the  rihiloBopher,  "  brandy-and-wtter  in  union 
represent  mingled  delight,  but  tbe  spirit  and  the  pore  element  in  their 
dirided  condition  conititnte  nnmixed  satisfaction. 


LEARNING  FOR  IX)RU  PALMERSTON. 

Ik  dirrctin){  the  Isle  a|trre>ti(m  on  Oreece^  the  Foreign  Secretary  hu 
ibown  a  aad  intensibilily  to  tboM  aasooUtiona  which  we  hare  learned 
to  chensh  in  <njr  school  davi.  Wn  do  not  enry  that  man's  feelings 
who  could  ordfr  Ihf*  I'l'^'lculn  nf  Om  rirmus  without  a  compunctioaa 


nrntaiMi 


(if  ^ 


0am  mTLukv 

(oBivtnoolle«t«U)»..< 
iiiaj  Mimkni  for  »" 

Atltittt*.    ' 


thit  nMmi  t 
eTip  ■ 

Ibr 

IrdfTKi'  \ 
Kit  djkf, 
a  good  ( -^ 
tbe  claimi  V' 
Foictiers. 


:  ^  MiCLEs;  to  say  nothing  of 
LoHC  Falkbb&tom  ought 
indebted  for  all  our  intelleo- 
"pn  and  Plato.  Hoicbb  and 
oMiBAL  Pabkbb  lo  menace 
>iid  g1  Hellas  we  derive  our 
iiiid  ieoond  Aoriat*,  oar  'rip 


Mule  Over-due. 

i(<d  in  Iba  House  of  Lorda 

'  he  British  heroes  who  were 

I  to  1814.      By  aU  me&ns  let 

yrars  ago  receive  an  acknow- 

.  II  puriioBf.  probably,  at  this  time 

M.f'fl.    Semortt  vriorm,  hoverer^  k 

.Illy  due,  in  the  first  initaoce,  to 

<  ing,  M  were  present  at  Creasy  and 


: 


I 


5^^^  7h^£o^  ^bml^ 


LORD  CLARENDON  SHAKING  ALL  THE  BRAN  OUT  OF 

THE  DOLLY  BRAE  AFFAIR. 


wr 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


87 


I 


TAKING  SiKPS  tX)!!  THEIU  OWN  COMFORT. 
"WiLLVt  Mr  FauNpa,  tou  sum  to  uold  an  Ordimabt  at  toic  stkts 

OV  MT   DOOR  SVBBT    DAY    AT    I'X" 


tlu  d^p  it  cncked  u  euj  h  a  monker  orioks  a  nut.  The  nurow  streeti  ol 
the  City  are  bad  enouich  when  one  of  Picuord's  rant  cornea  nUoping 
doWD,  aod  jou  have  only  just  time  to  nidi  your  body  to  the  wall  as  tbio 
as  a  picture,  to  save  youraeU  being  cruaUed;  but  what  muat  it  betheo 
at  the  Nortu  Fole,  where  there  are  no  Mewa,  cor  a  single  shop  where  yoa 
can  run  into ! 

Mk.  Bcrjo&d's  Fanorama  auggeata  all  these  frozen  horrors  without 
p&inLmg  them.  The  water  ia  ao  natural,  that  you  cannot  believe  it  ia 
done  in  oil.  The  ice  seta  everybody's  teeth  on  the  chatter ;  tlie  ladieaf 
teeth,  with  the  proTerbial  lomiacity  of  Ihe  aei,  cbattering,  of  oour»e| 
more  than  the  gentlemen's.  Taken  altogether,  it  is  the  most  beautiful 
bit  of  frieBe-painting  our  eyci  ever  watered  in  looking  at.  In 
summer,  it  wifi  be  quite  a  Magnetic  Pole^  for  the  coolneaa  of  the  apot 
will  be  sure  to  attract  all  London  to  it.  M^at  a  superb  luncheon- 
room  it  would  make  for  Farbance  during  the  dog-days ! 

N.B.  There  is  a  long  pole  exhibited  with  some  fur  dresses  in  Mie 
room  ;  and  aa  many  persona  have  allowed  their  curiosity  to  be  stirred 
up  by  this  long  Pole,  aud  tiandle  it  and  look  upon  it  evidently  aa  a 
very  great  curiosity,  we  are  reouested  by  Mr.  Bujuord  to  state,  that 
the  pole  in  queatiou  is  not  the  North  Pole,  itor  haa  it,  for  what  be 
knows,  any  connexion  with  it. 


PUFF  PASTE. 


I 


CLIMBING  UP  THE  NORTH  POLE. 

Or  all  foreign  climes  there  mast  be  none  so  difficult  to  get  to  the  top 
of  as  the  North  Pole.  Wc  feel  convinced  that  no  one  but  a  Bedouin 
Arab  will  ever  do  it,  unless  perhaps  it  is  Mn.  Stii.t,  for,  in  standing  on 
bis  head  on  the  top  of  a  pole,  that  gentleman  has  reached  the  very 
summit  of  hia  profession.  By  the  way,  what  a  position  for  a  brilliant 
display  of  fireworks ! 

As  for  ourselves,  knowing  "how  bard  it  is  to  cliatb,"  we  shall  leave 
the  North  Pole  in  the  hands  of  others.  We  are  perfectly  content  with 
Mr.  BiKTOtLD's  Panorama.  An  iceoerg  is  a  kind  of  obstacle  we  should, 
never  attempt  to  get  tlirougli,  especially  with  the  chilly  conviction  that 
we  should  only  be  met  on  the  opposite  side  with  another  iceberg.  An 
ocean,  with  a  splitting,  stunning  set  of  icebergs,  continually  dftncing  reels 
and  quadrilles^  is  not  exactly  the  kind  of  aociety  we  feel  anxious  to  plunge 
into.    We  prefer  Almack's,  with  the  icea  provided  by  Guktek. 

It  is  true  that  the  Aurora  Borealis  is  a  very  magnificent  sisbt,  ami 
weimaftine  Mr.  Burtord  must  have  borrowed  Aurora's  rosy  Angers  to 
hav«  painted  the  beautiful  one  be  has  hung  round  bis  Arctic  first-floor. 
Still  the  feeling  that  if  you  put  your  head  out  of  window  to  look  at  it, 
you  immediately  lose  your  nose,  must  take  away  a  great  deal  from  tlie 
nteasure,  for  the  wind  is  to  cutting  on  those  Snow  HUls,  that  no  Turk's 
llead  could  possibly  bang  out.  for  an  hour  without  being  cut  to  pieces. 
Besides,  ioujours  Aurora  Borealia  must  eventually  prove  a  bore,  for 
however  successful  a  ttiing  may  he  on  its  first  appearance,  very  few  of 
us  would  like  to  sit  it  out  for  300  consecutive  nights  and  days.  The 
Aurora  Borealia  is  a  substitute  for  the  sun,  or  rattier  it  is  a  sun  done 
to  colours.  The  eflect  is  not  unlike  the  reflection  at  night  from  a 
chemist's  window.  Fancy  Trafalgar  Square  lighted  up  with  a  string  of 
Savobt  and  Moo&e's  green  and  piak  bottles,  and  you  have  the  Aurora 
Borealis  brought  at  one  coup  d'oeii  to  your  mind's  eye,  but  with  this 
improvement,  that  there  is  not  anything  lialf  so  ugly  at  the  North  Pole, 
as  the  National  Gallery. 

The  streets,  and  lanes,  and  courts,  and  squares,  are  all  formed  in  the 
AroticKegions,  of  ice.^of  immense  high  walls  of  ice.  Picking  your  way 
ia  very  difficult,  as  noue  of  the  streets  are  named,  or  the  houses  num- 
bered, and  you  lose  yourself  before  you  know  where  you  are.  Building 
is  carried  there  to  a  greater  extcut,  even  tban  it  is  rotind  London.  You 
go  to  sleep  in  an  open  field  of  water,  and,  on  waking  up,  find  yourself 
Eemmrd  in  by  a  floating  row  of  crescents  and  towering  palaces  of  ice 
that  must  strike  a  chill  into  the  boldest  heart.  It  must  be  very 
awkward  when  a  ahip  gets  into  a  cml-de-Moef  What  a  turn  it  must 
give  them,  or  rather,  what  would  they  not  give  to  bo  able  to  turn  and 
get  themselves  out  of  their  awkward  scrape.  We  cannot  imagine  a 
greater  "tarnation  fix."  There  the  ship  is  held  between  the  two  dead 
walUof  crystalasiaauut-cracker.andif  the  walls  close  in  the  least* 


OtTR  eyes  have  lately  been  arrested  by  what  may  be  termed  the  very 
mcau  process  of  a  sumnioni  to  stay  our  further  proceedings,  and  turn 
into  sundry  sniiill  shctps  in  the  metropolis  to  eat  A  Fuee-Tuadk  Pin, 
This  alleged  luxury  ia  advertised  as  juicy  with  the  meals  of  bmiihfield, 
succulent  with  the  suvoary  kidocy,  ambrosial  with  the  fTsb  of  Billings- 
gate, and  gushing  with  1  lie  luscious  syrup  starling  from  the  plethoric 
pores  of  the  vernal  rhubarb.  Such  is  the  confidence  of  the  speculators 
m  these  puff  paraded  patties,  that  a  reward  of  £5000  is  ofl'ercd  to  any 
one  who  can  produce  tat  the  nricc)  "alarjierand  abetter"  pie.  The 
connection  between  Free  Trade  and  the  pie  in  question  is  by  no  means 
obvious,  nor  has  any  attempt  been  made  in  the  placard  before  us  to 
explain  where,  how,  why,  or  in  what  respect  such  connection  exists, 

There  is  a  pretended  quotation  from  EncuBUs,  and  several  great 
men  of  antiquity  are  cited  apropot  of  the  pie,  but  the  only  hero  of 
the  past  whose  name  is  appropriate  to  pastry — we  meau,  of  course,  our 
old  friend  PtE-ua  ^neas— is  by  some  accident  overiooked.  ^Ve  have 
in  our  tiniA  had  much  exoerienCA  in  articles  of  this  deacriplion,  and 
there  was  a  time,  ere  sooer  reflection  had  taught  us  to  curb  the 
sharpness  of  our  expressions,  that  we  were  seldom  long  without  some* 
Lhioff  tart  in  our  mouth. 

We  have  learnt  at  the  cost  of  experience— and  many  halfpence— that 
»ize  is  no  test  of  auality,  aud  that  in  pastry,  as  in  mankint},  excellence 
is  not  always  to  those  looked  upon  as  the  great.  If  we  had  known  how 
to  moralise  upon  a  pie  before  rating  it— which  we  never  could — we 
should  have  said  '*  Trust  not  to  t  hat  which  seems  externally  ovcrflowiug 
with  goodness,  for  the  sweetness  that  is  alwaya  readv  to  rise  to  the 
surface  is  soon  exhausted,  and  is  often  a  proof  of  hoilownesa  within." 
Apropot  of  uies,  we  will  conclude  with  one  fact  in  Natural  Uiitory» 
founded  on  long  observation,  and  we  should  be  ft  lad  if  Von  Hdhboldt, 
TiuE'MAK.  Untidy-uian,  or  any  man,  would  explain  to  us  the  mystery 
which  we  have  discovered. 

We  \vant  to  know,  and  we  ask  the  simple  question  of  the  whole  of 
the  natural  historians  now  living,  how  it  is  that  all  pigeons  of  which 
pigeon  pies  are  made,  have  each  four  legs.  Il  there  is  any  doubt  ai  to 
ihe  fact  being  aa  wo  have  stated,  let  any  one  buy  a  pigeon  pie  at  a 
]Mutry-cook's,  let  him  compare  the  protruding  claws  or  "  looteus  "  with 
the  number  of  birds  below  the  crust,  and  if  it  is  not  found  that  there 
are  four  of  the  former  to  one  of  the  latter,  we  will  eat  our  owu  words, 
and — what  will  be  worse  still— a  Free-Trade  pic. 


THE  INDUSTRY  OF  ALL  NATIONS. 

TfTB  admirable  propositioa  of  Peixcx  Albert  to  hold  in  this  country 
an  Kxhibition  of  the  Industry  of  alt  Nations  has  excited  unusu&l  interest, 
wiiicb  has  extended  even  to  the  ekevaiiers  ^induAirie  of  France, — an 
order  which  it  is  expected  will  be  largely  repreeenled  at  the  fortbooming 
gAthering.  These  gentlemen  will,  it  is  expected,  exhibit  various  proofs 
of  their  mdustry,  wliich  ia  emphatically  the  industry  of  all  nations,  for 
there  is  not  a  nation  on  the  earth  which  does  not  contain  among  ita 
people  aevaral  who  have  at  (heir  fingers*  ends  the  industry  alluded  to. 
buoti  arrangements  will,  however,  no  doubt,  be  adopted,  as  vrill  restrain 
the  specimens  of  this  sort  of  industry  within  as  narrow  limits  as  possibtcL 
and  any  ckextalier  found  in  the  practice  will,  whatever  his  apparent 
station,  be  brought  at  once  to  the  station  of  police  in  the  immediate 
neighbourhood.  I^  is  said  that  most  of  the  American  States  will  con- 
tribute  specimens  of  their  ingenuity,  but  Pennsylvania  declines  sendui? 
anything  to  Kngland,  which  contains  already  so  many  proofs  of  what  it 
can  do,  in  the  shape  of  numerous  creditors  who  have  been  doae  by  ita 
cunning  device  of  repudiation. 


Sol.  Will.-  \^X\ 


^&n.^a>> 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


HEAVY   BLOW    AITD   TOKAT   DISCOURAGEMEHT. 


/"^v^ 


Wk  wonder  the  ProtirctioiiiaU  are  not  tired  of  continufcily  hitting  Sir  Robert 
Peel.  The  sport  must  have  grown  rather  monotonoiis  by  this  time,  especially  to  Sir 
RoBKKT,  who  mu5f.  wish  they  would  chooie  some  other  Bubject  for  their  thumps. 
We  would  recommend  him  to  present  that  pugnacious  corps  with  a  handsome  dummy 
of  himsplf.  It  should  be  labelled,  "Traitor  '  on  the  breast,  so  as  to  excite  their  ire 
alt  the  more,  tmd  exhibited  in  the  large  room  of  the  Carlton,  or  some  other  place  of 
Tory  resort,  where  it  might  be  kept  constantly  on  riew.  By  this  means  ttie  Protec- 
tionisls  wouid  be  able  to  vent  their  rage  n^ainst  their  late  chief  to  their  hearts'  content, 
and  Sir  RoBpat,  by  being  well  thumped  in  private,  would  probably  receive  fewer 
blows  ia  public.  The  fact  of  iU  being  a  dummy,  also,  would  bring  it  perfectly 
on  a  level  with  the  understandings  of  those  wliose  only  public  aim  for  tne  but  three 
years  has  consisted  iu  abusing  the  cleverest  man  (next  to  Benjamin  Diskaeu,  of 
course,)  of  their  party. 


A  GOVERNOR  BURIED  ALIVE. 

One  of  the  most  eitnordinary  ewes  of  rrematuro 
interment  tliat  has  ever  come  to  our  knowledge  hat 
recently  been  given  in  the  German,  and  'copied  into 
the  English  newspapers.  A  remarkable  feainre  of  the 
affair  is  that  the  sepulture  has  been  quite  voluntary  on 
the  part  of  the  individual  buried,  and  that  he  has 
caused  the  vault  to  which  he  has  consigned  himself  to 
be  fitted  up  with  ranch  splendour,  as  if  he  waa  under 
the  influence  of  a  kind  of  vaulting  ambition,  which  he 
has  taken  those  onusoal  means  to  graUfy.  The  annexed 
paragraph,  which  baa  almost  as  much  of  the  gay  as  of 
the  grave  about  it,  will  explain  the  circumstonoea  under 
whicD  a  Governor  has  become,  as  it  were,  his  own 
Shillibeer,  and  performed  his  own  funeral: — 

"Tbfl  oflld  In  u  wrere  ftt  KnmtAcliAttu  tlut  the  G^renor  hu 
bom  eompellei  to  <iiiH  Us  nsi»l  riMldciiwa  nt  BL  Fvter  and  St.  PBnt 
tA  burr  blfOMir  ooder  Uw  eartb— th^  la  to  uj,  b«  luu  retbrnl  to 
his  vnbtorauieui  INitaoo^  vhlch  li  90  metres  below-  gronnd,  atwl  U 
cApabloofaMommodftttiig  aoopcnoni.  Thti  jiAltce  ti  MmpuUr 
llKhlKi]  bf  Umna.  McNit  wealthy  private  pcnonii  have  dwoUIon  ot 
Ms  fclnd,  bat  ft  U  ntnly  cold  ooongfa  to  uidnea  them  lo  Bee  tbuher 
for  nfuge."— Hamburg  Bar»mliaUi. 

This  underground  residence  is  evidenlly  a  luxury  ib 
KamtMhatka,  though  we  suspect  that  even  in  the  coldest 
seasons  that  part  of  our  population  which  lives  in 
ntidergronnd  kitchens  or  cellars  from  necessity,  and  not 
from  choice,  would  willingly  exchange  their  subterra- 
nean apartments  with  the  chilly  Governor,  for  the 
coldest  garret  in  his  doaiinions.  His  Kamtschatkian 
Highness  can  have  little  room  for  exerciee,  and  a  walk 
about  hia  grounds  must  be  anything  but  cheerful  or 
salubrious.  The  fact  of  most  wealthy  persons  having 
a  subterranean  residence,  gives  us  the  idea  of  high  life 
below  stairs  being  carried  to  the  highest,  or  rather  to 
the  lowest,  pitch  in  KatutschaLkian  society.  At  the  balls 
given  in  tne  underground  palace  of  the  Governor,  the 
dance  moat  in  vogue  is,  of  course,  the  Cellar-ius. 


Another  Pee&aob. — It  ia  rumoured,  onlv  we  do  not 
believe  the  rumour,  and  hope  the  reader  will  di^pUy  tJie 
same  intelligence,  that  Ala.  Disbaeli  is  to  be  made  a 
Peer,  for  the  purpose  of  getting  him  out  of  the  Uouse 
of  Commons,  He  will  assume  no  title,  it  is  said,  but 
merely  change  his  name  to  Uppeb  Benjajov. 


4 

4 


SCENES  FROM  THE  LIFE  OF*AN  UNPROTECTED  FEMALE. 

MB,  JOTTBS.  A3  SOUS  EEPAIUTION  TOH  TITX  GREAT  FAILUBE  OF  THE  PRIVATE  BOX,  HIS  WDTJCBD  TUB  nrPEOTBCTED  FBMAM  TO  ACCOlCrAirT 

nxx  TO  a;?  exeteb  hail  oratorio. 


I 


BCEVK.—Tke  Sframd,  near  ExtUr  Ualt,  wUh  the  confusion  incidenial  to  a 
Pridag  nujht.  Mr.  Jopies  and  tha  Ukpuotected  Female  make 
tMeir  teaa  wiik  !*on«  diMcuUg  through  the  crowd  of  Orttnge-tettert, 
iSt'.lfta  of  Booh  of  th«  Fefformanoe,  Yendora  of  Tieiets,  and  TotUan 
for  ocitdora  of  tickets. 

\al  Toultr  {at  Cigar  ahop-door).  Tickets,  Sir  ?  Only  three  left. 
Uerr  Formes,  to-night.  Ma'am.    Have  'em  cheap. 

Unprotected  Female  {to  Mr.  Jones).  You  've  got  tickets,  Ma.  JoNEa, 
of  course  ? 

Jonea  {tcitk  aome  confusion).  Why,  no.  We  shall  get  'em  cheaper  at 
the  doors,  I  believe.    They  *re  three  Bhillings  at  the  Hall. 

'ind  fouler.  Two  tickets  only.  Sir— equal  to  reserved.  I  assure  you 
you  won't  lind  any  further  on. 

Unprotected  Female  {rheeking  Mr.  Jouks).  There,  Ma.  JONBS,  he  says 
we  slian't  get  any,  further  on.    Hadn't  we  better  ? 

Mr.  Jones.  How  much  are  Ibey  ? 

S«rf  Twtter,  Five  shillings  each,  Sir ;  and  they're  getting  up  sixpence 
a  nunute. 

Mr.  Joma  (m/A  the  proper  feehnff  o/'  a  man  who  Kill  not  be  imposed 
lapOH),  Oh,  stuiT!  It's  an  imposition.  We  shall  get 'em  for  balf-a- 
orown,  at  the  cigar  divan— I  always  do. 

Unprotected  FemaU.  It 'a  a  shame  to  let  these  people  have  tickets 
this  way. 

Zrd  foxier,  TickeU,  Sir.  for  **  The  Oeation,"  The  last,  I  assure 
yo",  Mann. 

Unprotected  Female  (ich^j  is  reaolved  to  take  the  mutter  out  qf  Mr. 
JONBS*s  Aanda).  How  much,  if  you  please? 

Srrf  Touier.  Six  shilling*.  Marm.  You  'U  get  none  novcres  else 
imder  seven. 


Jonea  [verff  indignatUly),  Infernal  imposition — We  '11  get  'em  at  the 
Hall.    Come  on,  pray  ;  come  on. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh!  but  why  didn't  you  this  morning P  There, 
it's  only  a  quarter  to  seven,  and  we  shall  never  get  placen. 

Mk  Tovter.  Tickets,  Sir,  tickets— only  seven  boh— Nothink  under 
eight,  at  the 'All. 

Unprotected  Female.  There,  I  told  you  so — they're  getting  up.  We 
might  have  had  them  for  three,  lix'sQopa  further  back. 

Mr  Jonet.  I  '11  go  back  and  get  them. 

[/#  aboHt  to  afiandon  the  Unprotected  Female /or  the  purpose. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh  !  please.  Mr.  Jones — you  mustn't  leave  me 
in  this  crowd.  I  shall  be  squeezea  to  death.  Oh !  I  '11  go  with  you. 
(TVy  turn  and  make  aftUile  atmgple  against  ths  tide).  Oh,  we  must  go 
on— We  can't  get  back— Oh !  indeed.  1  won't  go  back. 

Joftsa  {feeling  hinaeff  compromiH'd).  Hero  you,  tickets.  {Diafntrm 
sixteen  ahtlliaga).  By  Jove,  it 's  ftbominnble  of  the  directors.  I  '11  write 
to  the  Times — Sacred  music,  too. 

Unprotected  Female.  It 's  just  what  I  expected— 1  told  you  we  ought 
to  have  got  tickets  before. 

Joaes  {impalientlg,  and  feeling  the  has  of  his  taoneji).  Well,  We  've  got 
'em  now,     {jSotto  voce).    Dear  enough,  at  the  money. 

ITheif  hope  hg  this  time  reaekad  the  Hall  steps.  The  crowd  already 
dense,  6ee<nnes  denser  and  denser.  Some  ladies  in  the  front  ar$ 
airestdy  gotng  into  hpsterica,  and  their  gentlemen  struggling  mldip, 
trying  to  prorure  them  a  suppljf  of  atr  and  elb^tc-room. 

Unproieded  Female.  Oh,  it's  ilreadful  1  Oh.  Mr.  Jo.vEa— Oh ! 
please,  Sir— (7b  a  Stout  Gentleman  who  has  intruded  the  greater  pari 
of  a  very  large  hcdy  into  the  Unpb^ected  FsUALB'tt  standing  room), 
Fleaae,  you  're  perfectly  sitting  uvwn  me. 


4 


1 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIE  LONDON  CFIARIVARI. 


JoMt  {indigmtntiy).  Sir— do  you  hear?  You're  sitting  upon  thii 
ladr. 

Stout  Omtleman  {Ae/piftulp).  Sir,  evpi  ao  many  people  are  silting  upon 
me.     I  v'»'  '*  -''  iipou  the  lady  more  than  I  can  help. 

T/Mf  >,tle.  Oh,  I  flbRlL  be  smothered— On,  please  fret  off. 

Jon  ■  :,j».  Do  you  hear.  Sir?    Get  off,  will  you.  Sir,— this 

instant. 

Siout  Geniiman.  If  they  MI  Ret  off  me.  I  don't  like  it.  Sir,  I  can 
tell  yoiu  II  nuLy  be  the  *'  Creation"  but  I '11  be  hanged  if  it' s 
re-rreation. 

JoH^s  (4arffptr/y).  Sir,  you're  no  gcuUeman.  (T^  Stodt  Ge^'TLEKAN 
nale-t  no  re/Jv),    Sir,  I  insist  ou  your  card. 

Sfofft  OenthmaM.  If  you  cnn  get  your  band  info  my  right  coat  pocket 
and  won't  take  out  my  handkerchief,— you  '11  find  my  cwd-caae. 
JiHfJt  {httide  hinmlf).  Sir,  you  're  a  hlackciiftrd. 
Uaproffcffd  Fentah  {toko  knoKS  JoVES's  fuTif  and  chkalrous  nainre). 
Oh — please— don't— M_R.  Jon'e.s— Oh,  Sir,  never  mind  {to  Stodt  Gek- 
TLEMAN.)  1  dou't  cate — I'm  Quite  comtortable— Oh  dear,  dear— (7%« 
prtxsurefrom  witkotU  auffmenU.)  Oh !— Oh  ! — 

Jone*  (making  ih«  mo»t  terrific  efforU  for  space).  Stand  back,  do;  the 
lad  V  'a  fainting^ 

PatieiU  Pfrtom.  Sir,  there  are  several  ladies  fainting.  You  must 
expect  it  if  you  bring  females. 

UnprotttUfd  Female  [hy  this  time  nearly  uneottSCictt*,  i$$iftHff  tttto  Isfe  iiy 
tha  word  "ftmota  ").  Sir,—  you  're  no— 

[TU  reti  of  the  Kutence  u  crushed  out  by  thi  ru»k  that  follows  on  the 

openi/iff  /f  the  doors.  Mn.  Jones  and  the  Ukvrotected  Femaus 

ore  sfoept  *>|p  thestairs  by  the  avatanehe.    Mr.  Jonks  mei&e*  the 

moit  frantic  efforts   to  retain   his  hold  rf  th4  UnrBOTECTED 

Fkmau:,  but  is  separated  from  her,    Hhe  is  l^  by  the  crowd  at 

thf  pay-place. 

Cheek-Takcr.  Ticket. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  Mr.  Joxes  has  got  them.     We've   been 

aeparated.    {Sees  Mr.  Jokes  simpffUtig  in  ike  sea  of  heads  Mote.)  Ob — 

there  he  ii — here — Mr.  Jones — he's  un  here. 

[Tekor&pht   wildly    to   Jones,  teko  at   last    is  fitmg  exhavstcd 
leside  her, 
Jones  ift»  »ooH  at  he  has  recccfred  breath).  By  Jove,  it's  ahttmeriir 
It's  rascally— you  ought  lo  be  ashamed  of  lourselves. 

Cheei'Ttaer  {impaisitely,    as   being  accustomed  to  lueU   adiiresses) 

Tickets. 

Joim  (owiMa  his  ticTeets).  I  'II  wrife  lo  the  papers — You  sco  if  1  don't 

Unprcmea  Fitmale  {in  dre(tdof3om%'s  tctalh  lending  to  some  new  em- 

bantasmeHi).  Oh — do  come — please  Mr.  Jokes— you  know  he  cau't 

help  it. 

[They  enter  the  Hall.    The  usual  tcene  presents  itself;  eteru  seat  is 
filled,  tie  lobbies  are  JiUcd  with  ittdiffnaHi  ttanaers,  and  helpless 
pecpfe    Kho  have  lost  their  parties ;    a  general  tone  tf  rage 
mingled  tcith   wreUhedMcas^  prevail*  tcwr  this  portion  of  the 
audience. 
Unprotected  Female,  Ob.   there  'a  not  a  single  seat. 
Spectator  J  from  behind.  Move  on  in  front — sil  down — make  way. 
/ones.  By  Jote — I  must  write  to  the  papers — this  is  most  scandalous. 
OenUemoH  with  a  H'and.  Now,  Sir,  you  really  must  not  block  up  the 
pAsaagee. 

Jonts  (sarcastically).  If  you  can  show  me  where  we  're  to  go.    This  is 
a  pretty  Harmonic  Society — tliis  is ! 
(jentleman  trith  a  Wand.  Abundance  of  room  under  the  gallery. 
[Jones  and  the  Unpbotected   Female  are  graautlly  hustled 
vnder  (he  (Jalleryj  where  all  they  cnn  hear  is  a  ttorm  of  hisses,  as 
M.  Costa  comes  into  the  Orchestra — and  all  they  can  see  is  the 
large  t^a  Stent  Parly's  back,  immedialeiy  in  front  <f  them. 
Unprotected  Female  {Kho  is  broken  doicn  by  disappointment  and  the  effects 
^pressure).  Oh — please— I  can*t  see  the  least,  and  I  shall  die  ot  the 
ue&i— ob— do.  let's  go  borne— 

ICnesqf^' Shame,  shame."     "Costa,  CosiA."     JTuses.      ''Return 

ike  wumep"  ^r.,  ^r.,  amidst  which  the  700 Performers  burst  into 

(he  (^emng  mcpement  tfthe  "  Creation." 

JotM  {maddened  by  a  sense  qf  injustice,  and  the  rufferings  qf  the 

TJkproTECTEO  Fbiulb,  u>ho  is  obviously  preparing  tofaitU).  liit  ua  out 

—here— let  us  out.    By  Jote,  we  Ml  have  our  money  back.    Make  way 

for  a  lady  who 's  fainting. 

[£xtricatei  the  Unprotected  Female  tdth  some  trouble  from  the 
cfoied,  and  rrgains  the  CirErK-TAKEu's  bos.    The  lobby  is  filled 
fcith  a  crowd  in  the  same  state  of  mind  as  Mr.  Jones. 
Mr.  Jones.  Now— you.  Sir— here— there's  no  room  in  the  Hall— not 
R  seat,  by  Jote— I  want  mr  money  back. 

Check-Taker  {blandly),  "ft  here  did  you  bny  your  tickets^  Sir  f 
Jones.  1  bought  Ihcrn  of  a  fellow  in  the  street,  and  paid  sixteen  sbillbgs 
for  two. 

Check'l\»ker.  You  were  cheated  of  ten  shiJltngs,  Sir. 
Jonet.  And  what  do  you  mean  by  selling  tickets  to  blackguards  like 
Ibal  P    But  1  Ml  expoee  the  system— I  Ml  write  to  the  Ttmes. 

Cheek-Taker  {wtiexireme  poMeneu).  If  you  had  bought  your  tickets 
at  the  Hall,  Sir,  it  wouldn't  nave  happened. 


Jones.  Oh,  bothers-Rive  me  back  my  money. 

Cheek-Taker.  You  really  most  apply  to  the  gentleman  you  bought  your 
tickets  of.     1  'vo  no  doubt  he  '11  return  the  money. 

Jones.  By  Jove,  this  is  swindling.  At  all  events,  you  'U  give  mo  back 
my  tickets.  [Ciieck-Taeeh  returns  them. 

Jones  {dasher  cut  qfthe  Ball  at  well  as  the  limp  and  shattered  state  t^ 
the  Unprotected  Fejui^  mil  allow  him).  Here,  hollo— cab— here, 
cab — 

[Runt  wildly  alonq  the  Strand  for  a  cah,  leaving  the  UKFROTEi 
FeKals  at  the  door,  more  dead  than  alive. 

Speculatioe  Mfan  i/oUnprotectto  Female).  Buy  your  ticket,  Mann. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  don't  talk  to  me,  Man.  I  don't  sell  ticket* 
— there 's  no  room  inside. 

Jones.  Here's  a  cab.  By  JoveI  it's  the  most  infernal  shame  thia 
lotting  in  more  people  than  the  place  will  bold.    It's  robbery. 

,    .     ,,      „  [i^w/jUNraoTECTED  Female  w^ffM*. 

&te<vlatm  Man.  Bny  your  ticket*.  Sir? 

Joses.  How  much  will  you  give  ? 

Speculatioe  Man.  Three-ano-Six. 

JoM.  Here.*  {Hands  him  the  TiekeU,  and  takes  (he  money. 

Unprotected  Female  {indtguantfy).  Oh,  Mr.  Jones,  when  you  know 
there 's  no  room — How  can  you  ? 

[Scene  closet  on  her  disgust  oud  Mr.  JoNza'a  humiiiation. 


THE  STREET  OPERA  SEASON. 

KNERALLT  before  the  opening  of  Her 
Mftjestj's  and  Covent  Garden  Theatres 
(for  which  Balfr  and  Costa  are  making 
tbeir  usnal  preparations,}  the  Street 
Opera  season  commences,  and  we  now 
find  Tocaliats,  as  well  as  instrumen- 
talists, in  every  walk  along  the  public 
thoroughfares. 

The  old  stringed  quartette  of  four 
blind  double  basses  has  reinforced  its 
iustTumental  power  with  a  new  stock 
of  catgut,  which  supplies  three  or  four 
strings  that  have  uceu  missing  fur 
some  years,  and  wc  have  now  a  com- 
pleteness  of  effect  which  was  difficult 
to  attain  when  the  executants  bad  to 
deal  with  defective  instruments. 

A  seventh  trombone  has  been  added 
to  the  brass  band  of  nine,  and,  in 
order  to  give  effect  to  martial  music, 
a  triangle  has  been  attached  lo  the 
elbow  and  knee  of  the  comet  ^-piston 
who  readers  his  passages  on  both  of 
his  instrnmenls  very  conscientiously.  The  celebratea  basso-prqfondo 
in  ft  sailor's  costume  has  acquired  fresh  depth  since  last  season  by  an 
extra  hoarseness,  wbicli  gives  great  additionalirp/om^,  at  a  alight  sacniioe 
of  power.  His  "  fnil pou  hoe  me  then  at  now?"  may  be  looked  upon 
OS  a  perfect  triumph  of  nothing  over  everything.* 

We  never  recollect  an  instance  in  which,  considering  the  smallness 
amounting  almost  to  total  absence  of  resoiuces,  so  much  has  been 
accomplished.  Young  Snooks,  the  runaway  shop-boy,  or,  more  properly 
speaking,  the  counter-tenor,  has  acquired  considerable  breadth  in 
person,  if  not  in  style,  since  last  season,  and  bis  shake  is  more  nervous 
— puiicularly  when  he  sees  a  policeman  coming — than  it  used  to  be. 
We  witnessed  the  other  day  his  extraordinary  run  up  a  passage,  diver- 
sified with  the  most  astonishing  sold,  while  the  baton  of  Policeman  K., 
who  acted  as  conductor  on  the  occasion,  was  beating  all  the  time. 


THE  WOLF  OF  EXETER  HALL. 

Soke  little  time  ago  we  bad  occasion  to  take  coutemptnous  notice  o( 
the  animadversions  of  a  pseudo-sanctified  newspaper  culod  the  Record 
upon  the  directors  of  Exeter  Hall  for  permitting  SBAXEPEaiUE  to  be 
read  in  that  half-conventicIe,  half-concert  room.  The  Exeter  Hall 
directory,  we  understand,  has  objected  to  the  further  use  of  the  Hall 
for  SnAKSFEAUB  readings,  because  certain  Mawworm  Societies 
renting  portions  of  the  ouilding,  threatened  to  quit  if  any  moro 
Shakspbabb  were  suffered  in  it.  Yet  songs,— many  frivolous,  not  a 
few  of  questionable  tendency, — are  allowed  every  Wedncaday,  where 
Shakspeabe's  noble  poetry  and  true  philosophy  may  not  b«  beard.  It 
has  been  remarked  with  disgust  that  among  the  Exeter  Hall  songs  bu 
been  included  a  coarse  and  vulgar  one  celeorating  murder  and  roohery. 
and  mng  nowhere  else  bu»  at  Frw-and-Easies,  called."  y^?  W^of^/* 
Mhal,  however,  is  not  the  kind  of  Wolf  that  la  the  most  odious  there. 
The  worst  Exeter  Hall  Wolf— the  Wolf  with  truly  bideoua  howl-is 
the  Wolf  in  Sheep's  Clothing. 


90 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIE  LONDON  CHARIVAIII. 


1 


EFFECT  OF  STOPPING  THE  GROG. 
"Couc  ALONOj  Jack,  ht  HZiJtTT ;  notsino   ukk  lavino  op  rok 

RAIKT    DAT,  " 


THE  SELF-ASSERTION  OF  SUNDAY. 

Backed  by  a  numeronslT  and  respeoUbly  Bifpied  petition,  I  demand 
llic  total  discontinuance  of  Po»t-Omce  Labour  durin)?  my  twenly-four 
hours.  Mr  objection  to  such  labour  altogetber  is  quite  different  from 
the  cant  of  my  pretended  partisans,  who  howled  againa',  Ministers  for 
employio^  a  few  London  postmen  during  part  of  me,  in  order  ttint  many 
postmen  in  the  country  throughout  the  wbole  of  me  miphl  rest. 

I  repudiate  the  hypocritical  sanotimonv  that  would  make  me  a  pretext 
for  depririoK  the  jaaed  citizen  of  a  hewthful  ficursioii,  and  denving  a 
person  Ihc  means  of  conveyance  to  the  sick  bed  of  a  friend  or  relative. 
I  regard  the  man  who  wonid  stop  the  railway  (rains  on  my  Account,  and 
ret  sllow  his  dinner  to  be  cooked  in  spifc  of  me,  as  a  miserable  impostor. 
Kuf,  apart  from  higher  cons ideral ions,  all  who  ix)ssibly  can  ought  to 
faare  a  boUday  osc«  a  week,  and  I  am  the  dsy  for  it.  I  do  not  want  to 
be  forced  upofn  anybody,  but  this  1  will  say:  that  to  compel  the  con- 
scientious to  disregard  me  is  persecution ;  and  all  should  at  least  enjoy 
the  option  of  obscrviiig  me ;  tuat  ia  to  say.  the  Chriitiau  Sabbath,  or 

SUNDAT. 


OLD  BAILEY  CANNON-BALLS. 

Mn.  Kdwji&d  Kknealt,  barrister  and  late  candidate  for  Dublin 
UniTBfsity,  has  been  held  to  bail  to  appear,  without  wig  or  gown,  on 
the  shad^  side  of  the  Old  Bailey  bar,  charged  with  the  grossest  cruelty 
to  his  child.  We  shall  give  no  Ojiiiuou  of  the  case,  further  than  to  hope 
that  Ma.  Kevkalt  may  clear  Inmsclf  of  the  accusation ;  otherwise  we 
know  of  no  process  that  can  return  the  learned  gentleman,  sweet  and 
wholesome  again  to  the  fraternity  of  barristers.  Mu.  Bubsie,  a  legal 
(riend  of  the  accused,  very  solemnly  declared,  that— 

"  If  h8  weat  14  tin  ■wriooi,  U  voold  ba  Ua  duty  to  dated  a  (nuul  prindplo,  uid  1m 
BbanUl  «pMk  cwiMw-talt*  * 

If  evidence  bear  out  the  charRC,  we  take  it  nothing  short  of  cannon- 
balls  can  be  of  any  avail  to  Ktk  Kbnkalt  ;  certainly  oanzton-balls 
discharged  from  hrus  ordouoe. 


LOBD  BROUGHAM'S  EXHIBITION  FOR  1850. 

LoKU  Bhougiuh  was  among  thft  higher  Westminster  penonagrs 
wIm)  met  to  discourse  of  the  appointed  Eihihitiou  of  1851.  Tliere  was 
some  excellent  talk.  The  good  Eaol  or  Cauusle  delivered  hiin«elf 
tti'h  his  characteristic  earnestness  and  elegance.  Then  came  Uie 
French  Ambassador ;  then  Ijondon'a  Bishop ;  then  PrusaU  apoke 
through  Cu£VALi£A  BuNSEV-  then  America  gave  utteraoce,  in  the 
words  of  Mu.  Law&smcb.  All  proceeded  in  the  most  cordial  mantier 
everybody  full  of  satisfaction,  erervbody  animated  by  the  hearty 
enlightened  sentiments  varionsly  delivered.  This  unanimity,  bow< 
could  hardly  please  Lodd  BEOtroBAM.  The  cordmlity  of  the  mi 
was  almost  an  affront  to  himself;  it  was  plain,  he  was  restless  uni 
the  good-humour  delivered  and  enjoyed  .loout  him.  Whereupon.  Ke 
got  himself  to  move  a  resolution,  that,  after  his  best  mar-—  '  -  -'  ' 
throw  two  or  three  smiths  and  crackers  amongst  the  rtj 

gathered  together,     rfis  Lordship  was.  of  course,  sucoMilLi         _ 

but  cheers  and  plaudits  had  hern  lieain  until  Lord  BRoroaaJl  opennl 
his  mouth.  Then  came  the  differoocej  for  bin  Lordship — departicr 
from  a  consideration  of  the  things  to  he  exhibited  at  iIm 
mercial  festivnl  of  1^51 —  suddenly  fell  upon  that  d 
constables,  Ap;il  10.  l^tS;  that  dtiy  when  ever v  one  held  .....,..,.  ..,^, 
to  keep  the  peace,  and  pertVctly  succeeded.  Adverting  to  the  aighla  to 
be  presented  to  the  eycB  of  our  foreign  i^ucsts— 

"  Ha  bofNxl  «(i  iljuuld  nut  1mt«  fbm  bvabtcv  fartbrr,  of  cltovtBg  Uub— tel  Ifay^tfttna 
RTOM,  «-•  aliould  ■buwUteiu-bovhereiuoh  xpf«lul«*«iChftt  ni  Um  lOtti  of  AtPiil,  LMS, 
an  KCSlrcd."    {CM^tn  amd  HiM*t.) 

Then,  pteaiantly  atimulated  by  the  sibilation,  Brouoham  oonlinued, 
•ayin*:— 

"  W«  shnuld  thaw  tbam  thftt,  altbooflt  pnftattnai  art  taUs  on  n6k  aciCMtana  by 
the  QuKu's  GovcmiHiit  to  pwwy  .tb*  QuB8a*a  p«Mo.  «ueh  pffvpsmllMM  mm  not 
TMwdvd,  for  UiAt  llM  ettiMM  tiMtBMlm  at  me*  put  down,  m  qulaity  ■>  «aRstaaUy,  thm 
mlMnbledaiptttUSAUeiDptatdlalDrlwiee,"  {UtMmwd  Cktttt  mrtdUMta.) 

It  ia  with  thia  feeling  that,  as  we  understand,  Lohd  BBOUoaAV  pro- 
poses to  contribute  an  instruraent  that,  in  the  very  triumptt  of  tlie 
show,  shall— like  the  skeleton  at  the  Egyptian  banquet— call  up  dismal 
thought.%  to  overcast  and  sadden  the  revel.  On  the  10th  of  April,  1W8. 
Lord  Broughaji  was  a  most  distinguished  Special  Constable;  the 
adniiration  of  servant  maids,  and  the  terror  of  little  bovs,  who — when 
become  the  oldest  inhabitants  of  their  |^ish—wiil  no  d-^  i>f-ir 

great-grand-children  of  the  grace  and  agility  of  Bkouoii.'.  x. 

Well,  it  ia  his  Lordship'b  intention  to  contribute  to  the  Laoh^i  m.xi  t-be 
identical  sta6f— now  a  precious  thing,  MX^rt  of  history—with  which  he 
entered  on  his  special  duty.  That  stafT,  in  the  like  manner  tbatirws 
and  cedars  are  dwarfed  into  trees  of  inches— that  Bt«ff  contains  within 
itself  the  whole  bulk  and  mauiveness  of  the  British  oak-  The  acorn 
wsa  planted  by  Oaractaccs — the  burk  of  the  flouriahiog  tree  was 
carred  by  KlNO  AtrftED,  and  the  whole  timber  compresicd  into  one 
small  weapon  for  the  special  hands  of  a  RnouGiiAii.  Keflrrling  on  the 
origin  and  history  of  the  staiT.  we  are  not  surprised  that,  even  at  su 

KacefuJ  a  meeiiog  as  that  of  the  inliabitanta  of  Weslmmsler.  bta 
jrdsbip  should  flouri&h  the  bit  of  oak  about  him,  with  the  vivacity  of 
an  Irishman  at  Donnybrook  Fair. 


CHANCERY  IN  DANGER. 
{DroMghi  Iff  a  PftitiOH  to  th€  Uoute  tf  Conmoru.) 

We,  the  imdcrsigned,  loyal  subjects  of  Her  Majesty,  warmly  at- 
tached to  all  our  time-honoured  institutions,  and  in  particular  to  the 
High  Court  of  Chancery,  beg  leave  humbly  to  approach  your  Honourable 
Houi^e.  and  pray  you  not  to  pass  any  measure  calculated  to  abridge  or 
simpUfy  the  proosedings  of  that  Court,  wherein  we,  your  Petitionera, 
have  vested  interests. 

We  submit  that  practitioners  in  equity  have  a  presoriptive  right  to 
a  portion  of  thn  property  of  this  country,  represented  by  the  average 
amount  which  is  spent  in  litigation  rcspeclmg  the  same. 

We  are  prepared  to  furnish  your  Honourable  House  with  retnroa^ 
showing  tbe  number  of  suicides  and  cues  of  insanity,  referrible,  durinip 
a  term  of  years,  to  the  working  of  the  Court  of  Chancery.  We  entreat 
you  to  consider  that  inquests  are  generally  iiaid  for  at  so  much  eaoba 
that  cases  of  derangement  give  rise  to  commissions  of  lunacy,  and  aUo 
exert  a  material  influence  on  tbe  number  of  inmates  uf  asyluma  for  Ihs 
insane.  We  therefore  implore  /our  Hongurable  House  not  to  assent  to 
any  measure,  which,  by  limiting  the  operation  of  Chancer/  in  tha 
rea^jecla  aboveineutiuut'd.  will  diminish  the  customary  business,  and 
abridge  the  regular  gtuus  of  your  pvtiliuuers.  And  your  petitioners  aa 
by  interest  buuud  will  ever  vote.  &c. 

*,*  licft  at  our  Office  for  signatare  by  all  Equity  Drangbtaoien* 
Ctiancery  Barristers,  Coroners,  and  Keenen  of  Lunatic  AsTlumt. 


mm 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


91 


NOOKS  AND  CORNERS  OF  CHARACTER 


THE  BOLD  SMUGGLER  WHO  WALKS  THE  STREETS. 

You  know  the  Bold  Smiift^ler  at  once,  because  there  unotbingnaafic&l  about  his  appear&nce> 
Hedoei  ootwear  a  bluc-atriped  shirt — nor  pumps — nor  a  belt^ — nor  a  straw  hat — nor  loose 
caavaa  trousers.  More  tiian  this,  to  prove  how  Utile  he  has  to  do  with  the  sea,  he  wears 
braces.     He  looks  infinitely  more  like  a  stolen -dog-seller  lliau  a  Bold  SmuKgler, 

The  Smuggler's  haunts  are  principally  at  shop  windows.  The  Wfst  End  is  bis  favourite 
cruise.     Ue  picks  up  the  best  prixes  iu  the  rich  cbannets  of  Regent  Street. 

The  way  in  which  the  Smuggler  captures  a  prize  is  very  c»sy.  When  a  simple- looking  craft 
anchors  in  front  of  a  print  shop,  he  mns  in  alongaide  of  him.  He  pours  a  broad»idr,  a  very 
mild  one  at  first,  rising  no  hiKncr  than  a  whisper,  such  as,  "  D*  ye  want  any  cigars,  Sir  P  you 
shall  have  'em  very  cheap."  But  if  that  makes  no  impression,  the  next  broadside  is  thrown  in 
a  little  stronger,  being  compounded  of  "  Chinay  dresses — walenicenea  lace — French  cambric 
bankyobiefs — lojayshftwU,"  and  simitar  deadly  ingredients,  that  are  generally  fatal  for  presents. 
But  the  joung  crut  ntostfy  surrenders  at  the  first  shot,  and  then  all  the  Smuggler  has  to  do 
is  to  tow  him  quietly  into  some  secluded  little  creek,  where  be  can  plunder  him  at  his  leisure. 

This  towing  retjuirea  most  clever  tacking.  The  Preventive  Service  (the  Police)  may  be  on 
the  Iook>ouli,  and  give  ebasc.  This  seldom  occurs,  however,  for  the  Smuggler  knows  all  the 
itations  of  the  Police,  and  manages  to  steer  pretty  clear  of  them. 

The  Prize  at  last  is  run  on  shore.  The  bay  is  a  public-house  in  some  narrow  inlet  of  a  street. 
They  rail  rapidly  tlirough  the  bar, — clear  the  yard  at  the  back — and  there,  into  sonic  dark  cave 
of  a  waahhouse,  where  neither  the  eye  of  man,  nor  the  bull's-eye  of  tlie  police,  can  penetrate, 
is  the  prire  quietly  hauled.  It  ia  all  done  without  a  breath  bting  heard.  The  Smuggler  baa 
long  oeued  to  aay  a  syllabic  in  favour  of  his  "  prime  cheroots."  There  is  not  even  the 
creaking  of  a  boot  to  disturb  the  silence  of  the  gloom. 

A  door  ia  unlocked.  The  Prise  is  requested  to  walk  in.  No  hospitable  ray  shines  from 
within  to  guide  his  wavering  steps.  The  Smuggler  in  charity  seizes  Ms  band,  and  acts  as 
a  friendly  lugger  to  the  unhappy  craft  he  has  captured. 

The  first  sound  that  ^tes  upon  the  ear  of  the  sleeping  silence  is  the  striking  of  a  lucifer- 
match.  In  another  minute  a  weak  tallow  candle  endeavours  to  throw  a  li^ht  on  tiie  black- 
neft  of  the  scene.  There  is  more  silence,  more  darkness,  and  more  hicifer-matches.  At 
Jaat  the  candle  is  really  lighted,  and  illuniiuates  the  thick  figure  of  a  second  Smuggler,  that 
during  the  straggle  has  tiptoed  into  the  gloomy  cave. 

Then  the  plunder  begins.  Wliat  rich  sluiwls  are  unfolded,  and  iicli  up  in  all  their  breadth. 
and  draped  over  the  Smuggler's  expansive  shoulders,  to  display  their  inviting  richness  * 
They  seem  large  enough  to  cover  llyde  Park,  and  with  colours  so  gay  that  a  ladv  would  not 
be  nappy  till  sne  bad  folded  them  to  her  lienrt..  Cambric  stores  are  curiously  fingered  and 
riolenlly  stared  tbrougb,  to  investigate  their  delicate  fineness.  Little  violet- coloured  boxes, 
fail  or  the  creamieat  laoes,  as  tender  as  cobwebs,  are  emptied  on  the  dirty  table,  whilst 
the  Bold  Smugglers  exchange  entertaining  fables  about  their  marvellous  origin  and  value. 

Bat  where  are  the  cigars?  True!  Jiu  will  run  out  and  fetch  the  box.  It  doesn't  do  to 
keep  their  store  here  on  account  of  the  Excise.    They're  so  precious  sharp. 

The  Smuggler  No.  3  is  soon  back  again.  He  couldn't  find  the  box,  but  he  can  give 
tbe  genM'man  two  or  three  as  a  specimen  of  the  lot.  I'heyVe  the  primest  llawannahs,  and 
ooolon't  be  had  not  for  three  times  the  money  anywhere  else. 

The  cigars  are  liihted.  The  gen'I'man  has  his  donbta  as  to  their  authenticity,  and  modestly 
•Kpreases  tbem.  This  opinion  is  bluntly  resented  by  both  Smugglers,  and  one  of  them  tikea 
the  liberty  to  bolt  the  waabbouse  door. 


Hereupon  the  Priie  geti  alarmed.  He  gently 
etatea  that  he  does  not  wish  to  make  any  par- 
chaaei  to-day,  and  binti  a  pressing  desire  to  go 
home — a  desire  which  clicita  all  the  ferocious 
daring  of  the  Smuggler.  He  plants  his  big  back 
against  the  door,  and  roughly  insinuatea  *'that 
trick  won't  do.  He  doesn't  stir  from  this  'ere 
place  till  he  Itas  bought  sumfin.  It  *a  very  likely 
they  're  a  going  to  let  him  loose  to  ran  and  give 
information  agin*  'em.  They've  been  served 
that  dodge  once  too  often.  How  do  they  know 
he 's  not  an  Excise  OIBcer  in  disguise  P  So  he 
must  purchase  sumfin,  and  then  he 's  as  much  in 
their  power,  as  they  are  in  hi&'n.  The  gen'l'mn 
must  excuse  him,  but  they're  poor  folk,  and 
they  can't  risk  their  necks  on  the  igh  aeaa  just 
to  be  pub  in  jail  for  nuffen." 

Tliere  is  no  escape.  The  Prize,  evidently,  will 
not  be  sent  adrift  till  he  has  be^n  cleaned  out. 
The  Smugglers  look  threatening.  Their  black 
faces  grow  blacker  with  ra^ — they  whisper 
together,  and  growl  and  coogb  mott  forebodingly. 
The  Prir.e  amends  his  opinion  touching  the  cigars. 
They  are  not  ao  bad  as  he  thought  at  first.  A 
negociation  of  peace  ia  (hen  entered  into,  and  he 
ultiiiiately  puts  down  two  pounds  for  a  box  of 
the  "  best  Hawannahs,"  and  a  couiile  of  cambrio 
handkerchiefs. 

The  money  is  paid,  and  the  Smuggler  re- 
minds him  that  tbeV  have  not  got  the  cigars  with 
them.  But  he  wiU  give  the  gen'l'man  a  receipt 
for  the  money,  and  he  promises  the  box  shall 
be  left  to-morrow  at  the  Fleece  Inn,  in  Holbom, 
before  six  o'clock.  What  name  shall  it  be  left 
in? 

The  Prize  gives  his  card,  the  goods  are  packed 
away  in  their  former  hiding  place,  and  ue  and 
the  Bold  Smugglers  saunter  out  together.  Aa 
they  pass  through  the  bar,  he  ia  astonished  to 
bear  the  landlord  call  one  of  bis  comrades  back 
with  the  curious  intimation  "that  those  four 
cigars  have  not  been  paid  for." 

Por  a  whole  week  he  enqoirea  regularly  once 
a  day.  at  the  Fleece  Inn,  "ii  a  box  of  cigars  has 
not   been    left    there   in   the  name  of  Abaji 

SrXPLBTOM  P " 

Ah  for  the  cambrio  handkerchiefs,  they  are 
given  to  the  housemaid  the  next  da^  for  dusters. 
A  month  afterwards  our  Prize  hails  in  Regent 
Street  the  self-same  Smuggler.  He  tells  him  ttut 
he  has  never  received  the  Havannahs.  and  inno- 
cently requests  to  have  his  two  potmas  returned 
to  him. 

The  Bold  Smuggler  laughs  boldly  in  his 
face,  and  den>iugl)ts  acquaintance,  aa  well  at 
his  debt,  gives  him  more  than  the  amount  of  it 
iu  abuse  and  blackguardism — for  every  Smogftlet 
knows  that  however  rich  a  Prize  may  be  the  firkt 
time,  there  is  no  chance  of  ever  catching  him  a 
second. 

Youn^  Prizes  that  Uoat  up  from  the  country, 
laden  with  boundless  treasures,  should  beware  of 
the  Bold  Smugglers  ttiat  infest  the  streets  of 
London !  You  invariably  pay  through  the  nose 
for  smuggled  goods  more  especially  for  cambric 
pocket  handkerobieta  and  cigars. 


The  Very  L*teat  flecreL 

PtJNCii  believes  he  ia  grossly  violating  Minis- 
terial coufidence.  in  stating,  that  a  certain  worthy. 
wise,  and  weighty  Alderman  is  about  to  bo  raised 
to  the  peerage,  ny  the  style  and  title  of  Bahon 

OVBRTW£3fTT8TOIie. 


THD  5EW   PEEB. 

Ttb  Banker  Lord  must  have  his  name  destroyed: 
The  Peerage  must  be  pure— no  Peer,  aLlotd. 


OLD  SATING   (KEW  VEXSTOlO. 

Don't  cake  "  came  to  a  Snig**  End. 


92 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


THE  TBEE  OP  LIBEIITY  IN  FEANCE. 


Down,  Frenchmen,  with  your  Tree  of  Liberty, 

The  wretched  emblem  of  an  empty  boast ! 
Clear  ye  awa^  the  sapless  mockery, 
Now,  nothing  but  an  inconTenient  post ; 
And  chop  it  into  logs  to  bom. 
That  it  may  serve  some  uaefol  tarn. 

"  Sapless,  you  say.    Good  8trang[er,  look  again, 
And  you  'U  mscem  it  is  a  living  tree." 
In  faith  'tis  true— its  buds  I  see  qnite  plain, 
Blossom  and  leaf,  distinct  as  they  can  be. 
Nay^  I  can  e'en  distinguish  now, 
Fruit,  thick  and  full,  on  every  bough. 

Seeming,  erewhile,  a  dead  old  poplar— lo  !— 

—Only  to  think  how  outward  sense  deceives ! — 
View*d  closer,  'tis  a  flourishing  wild  aloe, 
For  prickles  having  bayonets ;  swords  for  leaves : 
And  it  bears  cannon-shot,  and  bombs, 
And  musket-bolletB  for  its  plums. 

To  the  revision  of  the  mind's  eye,  thus, 

Paris,  thy  Tree  of  Liberty  appears, 
Which  thou  didst  plant,  with  such  a  world  of  fuss, 
Since  but  a  little  less  than  two  short  years : 
Sword-law  and  Soldier-rule  its  fruit — 
A  mighty  Tree  indeed— to  thooL 

To  outward  view  'tis  still  a  wither'd  trunk, 

What  other  was  it  ever  like  to  be  P 
Transplanted— sure,  by  people  mad  or  drunk— 
In  its  green  youth,  wnat  nope  of  such  a  Tree  ? 
If  Freedom's  timber  you  would  grow. 
You  must  not  think  to  rear  it  so. 

No :  first,  your  care  most  duly  set  in  earth 
The  seed— your  acorn  is  the  only  kind— 
And  then  the  Tree  must  be  inurea,  from  birth. 
To  brave  the  nipping  frost  and  stormy  wind, 
And  oft  the  bgntmng  to  defy. 
Heaching  its  proud  arms  to  the  sky. 

This  is  the  sole  true  Tree  of  Liberty, 

Fixed  in  the  soil  with  everlasting^  roots ; 
Beneath  its  shade  thrives  peaceful  mdustry  j 
Pounds,  Shillings,  Pence,  and  Order,  are  its  fruits. 
Then  bum  your  Maypoles,  worthy  folk, 
And  cnltivate  the  British  Oak. 


A.  MODEL  WOXAK. 

Wb  hear  that  a  statue— an  embodiment  of  the  perfection  of  a  w(Nnan 
— ia  about  to  be  erected  on  the  heights  of  Fouutone ;  a  statue  that 
shall  cany  with  it  a  great  moral  lesson.  It  ia  no  other  than  the  Statue 
of  a  Woman  (about  to  travel)— with  only  one  portmanteau ! 


How  TO  AsYAVcs  or  this  WosLD.— Let  your  advances  be  like 
those  of  a  pawnbroker,  who  never  makes  a  single  advance  unless  he  is 
quite  sure  that "  it  is  the  ticket."— (^  Prophetic  Soul, 


WAITING    AT    THE    STATION. 

We  are  amongst  a  number  of  people  waiting  for  the  Blackwall  tndn 
at  the  Fenchurch  Street  Station.  Some  of  us  are  goin^  a  little  farther 
than  Blackwall — as  far  as  Gravesend ;  some  of  us  are  going  even  farther 
than  Gravesend — to  Port  Philin,  in  South  Australia,  leaving  behind  the 
pairiajines  and  the  pleasant  fields  of  old  England.  It  is  rather  a  queer 
sensation  to  be  in  the  same  boat  and  station  with  a  party  that  is  going 
upon  so  prodigious  a  journey.  One  speculates  about  them  with  more 
than  an  ordinary  interest,  thinking  of  the  difference  between  yoor  fate 
and  theirs,  and  that  we  snail  never  behold  these  faces  again. 

Some  eipbt-and-thirty  women  are  sitting  in  the  large  Hall  of  the 
station,  with  bundles,  baskets,  and  light  bagp;age,  waiting  for  the 
steamer,  and  the  orders  to  embark.  A  Tew  friends  are  taking  leave  of 
them,  bonnets  are  laid  together,  and  whispering  going  on.  A  little  cry- 
ing is  taking  place ; — only  a  verv  little  crying. — and  among  those  who 
remain,  as  it  seems  to  me,  not  tnose  who  are  going  away.  They  leave 
behind  them  little  to  weep  for ;  they  are  going  from  bitter  cold  and 
hunger,  constant  want  and  unavailing  labour.  Why  should  they  be 
soiry  to  quit  a  mother  who  has  been  so  hard  to  them  as  our  country  has 
beenP  How  many  of  these  women  will  ever  see  the  shore  again,  upon 
the  brink  of  which  they  stand,  and  from  which  they  will  depart  in  a  few 
minutes  more  P  It  makes  one  sad  and  ashamed  too,  that  they  should 
not  be  more  sony.  But  how  are  you  to  expect  love  where  you  have 
given  such  scan;^  kindness  P  If  you  saw  your  children  glad  at  the 
thoughts  of  leaving  you,  and  for  ever :  would  you  blame  yourselves  or 
them  P  It  is  not  that  the  children  are  unfprateful,  but  the  home  was 
unbappy.  and  the  parents  indifferent  or  unkmd.  You  are  in  the  wrong 
under  whose  government  they  only  had  neglect  and  wretchedness;  not 
they,  who  can  t  be  called  upon  to  love  such  an  unlovely  thing  as  miseiy, 
or  to  make  any  other  return  for  neglect  but  indifference  ancfaversion. 

Vou  and  I,  let  us  suppose  ag^,  are  civilised  persons.  We  have  been 
decently  educated :  and  live  decently  every  day,  and  wear  tolerable 
clothes,  and  practise^  cleanliness :  and  love  the  arts  and  ^aces  of  life. 
As  we  walk  down  this  rank  of  eight-and-thirty  female  emigrants,  let  us 
fancy  that  we  are  at  Melbourne,  and  not  in  London,  and  that  we  have 
corne  down  from  our  sheep-walks,  or  clearings,  having  heard  of  the 
arrival  of  forty  honest,  well- recommended  voung  women,  and  having  a 
natural  longing  to  take  a  wife  home  to  the  oush — which  of  these  would 
you  like  P  If  you  were  an  Australian  Sultan,  to  which  of  these  would 
you  throw  the  liandkerchief  P  I  am  afraid  not  one  of  them.  I  fear,  in 
our  present  mood  of  mind,  we  should  mount  horse  and  return  to  the 
countrv,  preferring  a  solitude,  and  to  be  a  bachelor,  rather  than  to  put 
up  witn  one  of  these  for  a  companion.  There  is  no  f(irl  here  to  tempt 
you  by  her  looks :  (and,  world-wiseacre  as  vou  are,  it  is  by  these  you  are 
principaliy  moved)— there  is  no  pretty,  modest,  red-cheeked,  rustic, — no 
neat,  trim,  little  grisette,  such  as  what  we  call  a  gentleman  might  cast 
his  eyes  upon  without  too  much  derogating,  and  might  find  favour  in 
the  eyes  of  a  man  about  town.  No ;  it  ia  a  homely  bevy  of  women  with 
scarcely  any  beauty  aniiDD};st  them— their  ctothes  are  decent,  but  not 
the  least  pictiiresuue-^tlieir  faces  arc  ijale  and  care-worn  for  the  most 
part — h[>w,  iIldeea^  sbouild  it  be  otherwise,  seeingthat  they  have  known 
CBXc  and  want  all  their  days?— there  they  ait  upon  bare  oenches,  witk 
dingy  bundleSf  and  great,  cotton  uuibrellaa— and  the  truth  is,  you  are  not 
a  hardy  colonist,  a  feeder  of  fibeep,  a  feller  of  trees,  a  hunter  of  kan- 
garoos—but a  lrf>ndon  niRn  and  my  lord  the  Sultan's  can^bric  handker- 
chief 13  scented  with  Bond  Street  perfiuiiery — you  put  it  in  your  pocket, 
and  couldn't  give  it  to  any  one  of  these  women. 

They  are  not  like  you.  indeed.  They  have  not  your  tastes  and  feelings : 
your  education  and  remiements.  They  would  not  understand  a  hundrMl 
things  which  seem  perfectly  simple  to  you.  They  would  shock  you  a 
hundred  times  a  day  bv  as  many  deficiencies  of  politeness,  or  by  out- 
rages upon  the  Queen^s  Englisn— by  practices  entirely  harmless,  and 
vet  in  your  eyes  actually  worse  than  crimes— they  have  large  hard 
Lands  and  clumsy  feet.  The  women  you  love  must  have  pretty  soft 
fingers  that  you  may  hold  in  vours :  must  speak  her  language  properly, 
and  at  least  when  you  offer  her  your  heart,  must  return  hers  with  its 
h  in  the  right  place,  as  she  whispers  that  it  is  yours,  or  you  will  have 
none  of  it.  Il  she  says,  "  0  Hedward,  I  ham  so  unappy  to  think  I  shall 
never  beold  you  agin,"— though  her  emotion  on  Icavmg  you  might  be 
perfectly  tender  and  genuine,  you  would  be  obliged  to  laugh.  If  she 
said,  "Hedward,  mv  art  is  yours  for  hever  and  never,"  (and  anybody 
heard  her),  she  might  as  well  stab  you.— you  couldn't  accept  the  most 
faithful  affection  offered  in  such  tenns--TOU  are  a  town-brecf  man,  I  say. 
and  your  handkerchief  smells  of  Bond  Street  musk  and  millefleur.  A 
sun-burnt  settler  out  of  the  Bush  won't  feel  any  of  these  exquisite 
tortures,  or  understand  this  kind  of  huighter :  or  object  to  Molly 
because  her  hands  are  coarse  and  her  ancles  thick :  but  he  will  take 
her  back  to  his  farm,  where  she  will  nurse  his  children,  bake  his  dough, 
milk  his  cows,  and  cook  his  kangaroo  for  him. 

But  between  you,  an  educated  Londoner,  and  that  woman,  is  not  the 
union  absnrd  and  impossible  P  Would  it  not  be  unbearable  for  either  f 
Solitude  would  be  incomparably  pleasanter  than  such  a  companion.— 


p 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


93 


day.  That  however  la  not-  ttie  point  -.  l  am  noi  TaiKing 
luueu  to  wbicb  your  worship  may  be  poiwibly  obliged  to 
It-  as  you  Ray,  "  to  keep  up  your  rank  in  fpcietv  "— onJy 
bib  immense  locial  difference  does  exist.    Yoa  don't  like 


Tou  might  take  ber  vith  a  handsome  fortune  perhaps  were  you  starring; 
bat  then  it  is  because  you-w&nt  a  liOuM  and  carringe.  let  us  lay,  (witr 
necessaries  of  life.)  and  must  have  them  even  if  you  purcbase  them 
with  your  precioua  person.  You  do  as  mucti,  or  your  sister  does  as 
jnucti,  every-day.  That  however  is  not  the  point  -.  I  am  not  talking 
about  the  meanness 
stoop,  in  orde 

stating  that  this 

to  own  it :  or  don't  choose  to  talk  about  it,  and  such  things  had  much 
better  not  be  spoken  about  at  all.  I  hear  your  worship  say,  there  must 
be  diffcrenoes  of  rank  and  ao  forth !  M'cll  I  out  with  it  at  once,  you 
don't  think  Mollt  is  your  cgual — nor  indeed  is  she  in  the  possession 
of  many  artificial  aoquircnicnls.  She  can't  make  Latin  verses,  for 
example,  as  you  used  to  do  at  school,  she  cjin't  speak  French  and  Italian 
as  your  wife  very  likely  can,  &c.— and  in  so  far  Bue  ia  )our  iuferior,  and 
your  amiable  lady's. 

But  what  I  note,  what  I  marvel  at^  what  I  acknowledge,  wliat  I  am 
whnmcd  of,  what  ia  contrary  to  Christian  morals,  manly  modesty  and 
>  'Mbty,  and  to  the  national  well-being,  is  that  there  should  be  that 
iitiMiense  social  disticciion  between  the  well-dressed  classes  (as,  if  you 
wili  i)cmiit  me,  we  will  call  ourselves)  and  our  brethren  and  sisters  in 
the  fustian  jackets  and  pattens.  If  you  deny  it  for  your  part.  I  say 
that  you  are  mistaken,  and  deceive  yourself  woefully.  1  sny  that  you 
have  been  educated  to  it  through  Gotbic  ages,  and  Imve  bad  it  handed 
down  to  you  from  your  fathers  (not  that  they  were  anybody  in  parti- 
cular, bat  respeclabic,  well-dreised  progeuifors,  let  us  say  for  a  genera- 
lion  or  two)  from  your  well-dressed  fathers  before  you.  How  long  ago 
is  it,  that  our  prcaclicrs  were  teacbing  the  poor  *'to  know  their 
station  f"  that  it  was  t  he  peculiar  boast  of  Englishmen  that  any  man, 
the  huotbleat  among  us,  could,  by  talent,  industry  and  good  luck,  hope 
to  take  his  pUoe  in  tlie  aristocracy  of  his  country,  and  that  we  pointed 
with  pride  to  Lord  This  who  wa&  the  grandson  of  a  barber ;  and  to 
£ar]  Tha^  whose  father  was  an  Apothecary  1*  wliat  a  multitude  of  most 
respectable  folks  pride  themsclvea  on  these  things  sliU !  The  gulf  is 
not  impassable,  because  one  man  in  a  million  swims  over  it,  and  we 
hail  him  for  his  strength  and  success.  He  has  landed  on  the  bappr 
island.  He  is  one  of  tlio  aristocracy.  Let  us  cUp  hands  and  applaud. 
There's  no  country  like  ours  for  rational  freedom. 

If  you  go  up  and  speak  to  one  of  these  women,  as  tou  do  (and  very 
good-naturedly,  and  you  can't  help  that  oonfoundea  cgndesceDsion) 


like  their  betters,  and  call  them  counter-jumpers,  snobs,  and  what  not ; 
of  bia  workmen  we  know  nothing,  how  pitilessly  they  are  ground  down, 
bow  they  live  and  die.  here  close  by  us  at  the  backs  of  our  bousea; 
until  some  poet  like  Hood  wakes  and  sin^s  that  dreadful  "  Song  ij 
th6  Shirt ;  "  some  prophet  like  Cabxtxe  rises  up  and  denounoea  woe; 
somedear  sighted,  energetic  man  like  tbewriterof  the  ChrcnicU  \tMfA% 
into  the  poor  man's  country  for  as,  and  comes  back  with  bis  tale  of 
terror  and  wonder. 

Awful,  awful  poor  man's  country  1  The  bell  rings  and  these  eigbt- 
and'thirtr  women  bid  adieu  to  it.  rescued  from  it  (aa  a  few  thousands 
more  wili  be)  by  some  kind  people  who  are  mlereited  in  their  t>ehalf. 
In  two  hours  more,  the  steamer  lies  alongside  the  ship  CnUodtn,  which 
mi\\  bear  them  to  their  new  home.  Here  are  the  bertha  aft  for  the  un- 
married women,  the  married  couples  are  in  the  midships,  the  bachelors 
in  the  fore-part  of  the  ship.  Above  and  b^-Iow  decks  it  swarms  and 
echoes  with  the  bustle  of  departure.  The  Emigration  Conunissioner 
conips  and  caUs  over  their  names  -  there  are  old  and  young.  Urge 
families,  numbers  of  children  already  accustomed  to  the  ship,  and 
looking  about  with  amused  nnconscioosncss.  One  was  bom  but  just 
now  on  board;  he  will  not  know  how  to  speak  English  till  be  is  tiliecn 
thousand  miles  away  from  home.  8onie  of  I  hose  kind  people  whoso 
bounty  and  benevolence  organised  the  Female  Emigration  SoieaBiare 
here  to  gi\'e  a  last  word  and  shake  of  the  hand  to  their  oro^lc^^.  They 
bang  aadly  and  graiefuUv  rouud  their  patrons.  One  oi  them,  a  oierty- 
man,  who  haa  aeroteti  Limself  to  this  good  work,  aayi  a  few  wordJs  to 
)  hem  at  parting.  It  is  a  solemn  minute  indeed--for  those  who  (with 
the  few  thousand  who  will  follow  them,)  are  leaving  the  country  and 
escaping  from  the  question  between  lich  aud  poor;  and  what  for  those 
who  remain  ?  But,  at  least,  those  who  go  will  remember  that  in  their 
'  misery  here  they  found  gentle  hearts  to  love  and  pitv  them,  and  generous 
bands  to  give  them  succour,  and  will  plant  in  the  new  country  this 
grateful  tradition  of  the  old.— May  Heaven's  good  mercy  speed  tUomI 


I 


she  curtsies  and  holds  down  her  head  meekl/.and  replies  with  modesty, 
as  becomes  her  station,  to  your  honour  with  the  clean  shirt  and  the 
well-made  coat.  And  so  she  shouM ;  what  hundreds  of  thousands  of 
us  rich  and  poor  say  still.  Both  believe  this  to  be  bounden  duty  \  and 
that  a  poor  person  should  naturally  bob  her  head  to  a  rich  one  physically 
and  moraliy. 

Let  us  get  her  last  curtsey  from  her  as  she  stands  here  upon  the 
English  snore.  When  she  gets  into  the  Australian  woods  her  back 
won't  bend  except  to  her  labour ;  or,  if  it  do,  from  old  habit  and  the 
reminiscence  of  t lie  old  country,  do  you  suppose  her  children  will  be 
like  that  timid  creature  before  you?  They  will  know  nothing  of  that 
Gothic  Boeiety.witb  its  ranks  and  hierarchies,  its  cumbrous ceren^onies, 
its  glittering  antique  paraphemnlia,  in  which  we  have  been  educated ; 
in  which  ricQ  and  poor  stUl  acquiesce,  and  which  multitudes  of  both 
still  admire :  far  removed  from  these  old  world  traditions,  they  nill  be 
bred  up  in  the  midst  of  plenty,  freedom,  manly  brotherhood.  Do  you 
think  it  your  woryhip's  grandson  goes  into  the  Australian  woods,  or 
meets  the  grandchild  of  one  of  yonder  women  by  the  banks  of  the  War- 
mwarra,  the  Australian  will  take  a  hat  off  or  bob  a  curtsey  to  the  new 
comer  f  He  will  hold  out  his  baud,  and  say.  *'  titrauger,  come  into  my 
house  and  take  a  shakedown  and  have  a  share  of  our  supper.  You 
come  out  of  the  old  country,  do  you !  There  was  some  people  were  kind 
to  my  grandmother  there,  and  sent  her  oat  to  Melbourne.  Times  arc 
chunked  eiucti  (hen— come  in  and  welcome ! " 

\Vhat  a  oonfession  it  is  that  we  have  alniost  all  of  us  been  obliged  to 
make !  A  clever  and  earnest-minded  writer  gets  a  commission  from 
the  Morning  Chronicle  newspaper,  and  reports  upon  the  state  of  our 
poor  in  London;  he  goes  amongst  labouring  people  and  poor  of  all 
Kinds— and  brings  back  what  ?  A  picture  of  numan  life  so  wondcrfij, 
so  awful,  so  piteous  and  pathetic,  so  exciting  and  terrible,  that  readers 
of  romances  own  they  never  read  anything  like  to  it ;  and  tlut  the 
griefs,  struggles,  strange  adventures  here  depicted  exceed  anything  that 
any  ol  us  could  imagine.  Yes;  and  these  wonders  and!  terrors  have 
been  lying  by  your  door  and  mine  ever  sinoe  we  had  a  door  of  our  own. 
Wo  had  but  to  go  a  hundred  yards  off  mid  see  for  ourselves,  but  we 
never  did.  Don  t  we  paypoor-rates,  and  are  they  not  heavy  enough  in 
the  name  of  patience  r  Very  true ;  and  wc  have  our  own  private  pen- 
sioners, and  give  Away  some  of  our  Kupertluity,  very  likely.  You  are 
not  unkind ;  not  ungenerous.  But  of  Aur.h  wondrous  and  complicated 
misery  as  this  you  confess  you  Imd  no  idea?  No.  How  should  you  P— 
you  Bjid  I— we  are  of  the  upper  classes  ;  we  have  bad  hitherto  no  oom- 
luuiiity  with  the  poor.  We  never  speak  a  word  to  the  servant  who 
waits  on  us  for  twenty  years ;  we  condescend  to  employ  s  tradesman, 
keeping  him  at  a  proper  distance,  mmd — of  course,  at  a  proper  distance 
—we  laugh  at  his  young  men,  if  they  doooe,  jig,  and  amuse  themselves 


A  HINT  FOR  A  WEW  HANSAED. 


.  nx  idea  eugmted  to 

us  by  the  foUoiring 
paragraph  from  the 
Tioits  of  Monday 
pleased  us  mightily : 

"In  Batariiy*!  naper, 

Lphlctf  w 


'  ^^-^  WM  omitted  In  the  sum- 
marv  of  tb«  tSolMte  In  tbe 
HooM  at  Coonumii,  «ihI 
tlio  oindiulua  stuibutad 
to  Ma.  BBrxdLDf." 


ra 


4 


An  "accident" of 
this  nature  seems  to 
be  such  a  very  lucky 
one,  that  the  occur- 
rence of  a  few  more 
such  "accidents,"  which  might  easily  be  "done  on  purpose,"  would 
be  an  immense  boon  to  the  Newspaper  KeadingComiuunity, 

The  occasional  omission  of  the  first  half  of  one  speech,  and  the  last 
half  of  another,  would  effect  a  saving  of  exactly  fifty  j>er  oent  on  the 
whole  amount,  and  wotild  cause  an  economv  of  the  editor's  space  and 
the  reader's  time,  that  both  parties  would  appreciate.  Considering 
how  many  speakers  come  to  a  conclusion  quite  independent  of  wtua 
thev  have  been  alleging  in  the  first  portions  of  their  harangues^  ther« 
could  not  be  much  harm  done  by  the  reporters  now  and  then  beginning 
at  the  end  of  a  speech,  or  leaving  oO*  in  the  middle.  A  much  mora 
truthful  picture  of  the  debates  would  thus  be  afforded,  for  many  of  tha 
orators  speak  to  no  practicable  end ;  and,  of  a  great  many  others,  thtt 
only  valuable  part  of  the  speech  is  the  conclusion  or  stoppage. 

It  must  have  been  rather  annoying  to  the  parties  concerned  in  tha 
above  typographical  melange,  but  we  dare  say  8in  Jomr  Walsh's 
wind-np  diaqutte  as  well  without  anv commencement  of  its  own,  and 
that  MiL  Rbtnolds's  exordium  fitted  in  at  the  beginning,  just  as  well 
as  the  one  that  had  been  made  for  it.  We  wish  our  daily  coutemporary 
would  introduce  a  series  of  these  Parliamentary  cross-readings,  br 
which  a  great  portion  of  the  debates  that  are  now  without  any  inUntc 
at  all,  could  be  made  amusing  at  any  rate. 


Wanted,  a  Few  Bubbles. 

Mb.  PiTifCH.  having  read  with  extreme  emotion  thai  there  is  tha 
uixinf  amount  of  £I7>(XX),000  in  the  Bank  cellars,— calls  upon  tha 
ingenious  and  craving  to  come  forth  like  men,  ami  blow  a  few  bubbles  I 
Any  sort  of  bubble  wiU  do.  if  it  only  have  the  tint  of  nordtv.  No  old 
hanid  nood  apply,  and  no  letter  with  the  post-mark  *'  Sunderland  "  will 
ba  taken  in ;  lest  the  compliment  should  be  returned  by  tha  writer. 


[We  insert  the  subjoined  account  of  a  Bingular  dream,  as  forwarded 
to  na  by  a  rotprctable  afirncullunsi,  with  a  request  that  Mr.  Punch 
would  "  put  un  into  his  peanper  if  vo  be  he  thought  'a  wai  worth  a 
eorser  ia  *t^  aod  had  got  room  for  uu."] 

'*  Arter  I  'd  smoked  nty  pipe  and  drink'd  my  jog  o'  beer  t'other  night. 
I  veil  asleep  in  my  arni-ctiair,  and  liadadreara.  Seeminly  I  wds  a  riaun 
to  market  in  my  taxed-cart — yon  koows  what  a  taxed-cart  is.  T  s'pose 
— Taxed!—!  dooant  know  what  bain*t  taxed  now-o-days;  but  iio 
matter. 

"  I  thouRht  the  old  smootli  road  was  all  broke  up,  and  1  was  a  drinin* 
orer  the  bare  Hint  stones  without  Protection.  The  o&rt  bumped  and 
jotted  along,  and  went  slower  and  slower,  till  at  last  Blackbird  stopped 
abort  and  oudn'i  go  no  vurder.  I  geed  un  the  whip,  but  'twamt  o*  no 
um;  and  the  old  boss  set  to  a  kickin'  ready  to  knock  the  trap  all  to 
pieces. 

"Thinks  T,  'why,  this  herelooksaaif  the  cart  was  orerloaded,  and  yot 
I  can't  tee  what  wi'/  Whereupon  mt  eyes  appeared  to  be  opened,  and 
then  I  £eed  what  I  *d  KOt  in  un.  In  the  fust  place,  a  cart-load  of  gurt 
Moks.  as  I  rancied.  When  I  come  to  look  ctoier  at  'em  I  found  they 
was  taxes. 

"  There  I  zee  the  Hop  firound  Tax,  and  tlie  Hop  Duty  as  well ;  the 
Fruit-Ground  Tax,  the  Molt  Tax,  the  Ijmd  Tax,  the  Poor's  Rate,  the 
Highway  Itate,  the  Gbarch  Kate, the  County  HaCo.  and  I  dooan't  know 


how  many  moor  rates  and  faxes.  '  Dasb  my  buttons !  *  1  sex  to  myself. 
*  you  may  well  call  a  carridge  like  this  a  Taxed  Cart.' 

"  But  besides  all  thip,  lo  iind  behold  vou,  I  found  I  was  carryun'  com- 
pany wi'  me.  Lookun'  over  my  slioulaer — orer  the  riglit  as  well  as  the 
left,  Mr.  Ptineh  .'—who  should  1  dijcover  but  the  Landlord  and  tbe 
Paason,  one  o'  one  side  and  t'other  o'  t'other.  The  Landlord  was 
squatted  on  a  sack  stulTed  wi*  Rent,  and  the  Psaaon  was  a  straddle  over 
anoiber  cram  full  o'  Tithes. 

'"No  wouder,'  I  lieer'd  a  voice  say,  "you  can't  git  on.  Farmer.'  I 
looked  out,  and  there  was  a  stranger,  though  I  thought  1  recollected  a 
likeness  of  un  draad  in  yoiir  oeeaper. 

'"Hollo!*  aectheLandlord, 'iiere 'a  that  feller  CoBDES— bless  him  I' 

" '  Amen  ! '  answers  his  Reverence. 

"'You're  tryin'  to  goo  the  old  way  to  the  old  market,'  says  t4ie 
stranger.     '  You  can't  do  it.' 

"  •  Which  ii  the  way.  then  ?  '  sez  L 

" '  That  'ere  turain'  to  the  right,'  a  sez,  and  piafa  to  a  finger-pooaat 
directun'  'To  Financial  Rkfohu.*  I  turned  the  bosses  head  to  the 
road  be  shov'dme;  olf  slaried  old  Blackbird  directly  full  h^\\i'.  Uie 
Faason  and  the  Lanillord  suog  out,  *  Slop ! '  and  I  woke  with  their 
holl«run',  and  found  'twas  a  dream. 

"Not  all  a  dream,  tbougb,  Mr.  Ptinrh,  and  mark  my  words,  you  may 
'pend  upon  *t.  that  what  I  dreamt— and  moor  than  some  follu  dreamt  of 
—will  alore  long  come  true." 


HINT  TO  THE  HUMANE  SOCIETY. 


The  Humane  Society  dined  togelher  last  week  at  the  Frremuoas' 
Tavern.  In  the  course  of  the  evenings  number  of  persons  who  had 
been  resoufd  from  drowning  by  the  Society  marched  in  procession 
through  the  room.  Among  the  number  was  the  illuatrious  Soteb,  who. 
as  the  world  knows,  was  nearly  " glacj  en  gurpristi"  the  other  day 
while  skating,  and  was  preserved  to  culinary  and  political  Keform  by  tlie 
Society's  means.  We  notice  the  appearance  of  M.  Soteb  for  the 
purpose  of  recording  the  n-i^h  that  he  may  have  presided,  on  this  occa- 
sion, over  the  preparation  of  the  dinner  of  a  Society  that  so  well  de- 
served a  good  one.     After  saying  thus  much,  we  may  be  excused  for 


recommending  that  the  Humane  Society  should  extend  the  sphere  of 
ils  oneration.  Why  should  its  benevolence  take  an  exclusively  aquatic 
tumV  In  the  metropolis,  at  least,  more  })ersons  die  by  gas  than  by 
water.  Let  the  Society  lend  its  aid  in  dimmishing  the  mortality  oeea- 
sioned  by  the  sulphuretted  hydrogen  which  is  exhaled  by  our  filthy 
drains.  Or.  still  keeping  to  its  favourite  element,  suppose  it  en- 
deavoured to  obtain  a  pure  water  supply  for  Tendon.  Were  the 
attempt  successful,  it  would  save  many  addiiion&l  lives;  for  such 
water  aa  Londonera  mostly  driiik  poisons  greater  numbers  than  it 
drowns. 


F 


IP 


GULLIVER  AND  THE  BROBDINGNAG  FARMERS. 

"He  cjilleil  his  hinds  about  him,  and  asked  them,   (so  I  aflerwarda  learued,)  whether  they  had  ever 
•cen  ill  the  liclds  miv  little  crentiu-e  resembling  me?  "  Vkk  "  Guiiiver't  TraveU.'* 


I 


JUDICIAL   AUCTIONEERS. 

UxnBBthe  newAot  for  rele&tiner  F'lionmbered  Estates  in  IreUiul, 
tbe  Jodget  are  empovered  to  tit  in  open  court  and  dispose  of  land  hj 
EQciioD.  It  ifl  nothmg  new  to  see  pTo\)triy  knocked  down  b^  due 
oourse  of  law.  but  tie  prooesa  of  gettinff  rid  of  it  beneGcialljr  to  all 
partiea  by  legal  proi^efls,  is  something  no  le«s  original  than  agreeable. 

We  hope  the  puffing  a^stem  will  not  be  adopted,  nor  indeed  do  we 
fear  that  it  wilf,  for  their  Lordfihips  arc  dearly  actuated  by  a  deter- 
mination to  "  keep  tbe  thiug  resiwcUble."  We  sliould  be  sorry  to 
seethe  court  covered  with  placards  announciDg  "Little  Paradisfes," 
"Unencumbered  Elysiums."  "Eligible  realms  of  Freehold  Bliss/' or 
with  any  of  the  other  claptrap  mooes  of  attracting  attention  to  a  sale 
by  auction.  We  could  pardon  some  such  announcement  as  the 
following  :— 

KR.  BiBOX  RICItASDS. 

admitted  by  detraction  herself  to  6e 

*'  NOT  A  BAD  JTTDGB  " 

will,  with  the  raluable  ussiatancc  of  Dr.  Longfielp,  in  their  conjoint 
capacity  of  Government  Gonimissiouers  for  the 

SALE   OP  IBISn  EKCirUBEBED   ESTATES, 

have  the  plfasure — if  pleasure  it  may  be  termed  withont  a  solecism — 
of  submitting  to  Public  Competition  a  splendidly  unique  and  incom- 
parable aeries  of 

LOTS   OP   LANDED   FBOPEBTT, 

the  whole  of  it  beinf^  divested  of  Kucumbrauces  in  Mortgage,  lUnt- 
Charge,  &c.,  amounting  to  the  astounding  sum  of 

EIGHT  MtLUON    POUNDS, 

which  would  undeniably  go  some  way  towards 

PAYING   GPP   THE   NATIONAL  DEBT. 

A  more  tempting  opportunity  of  investing  rapital  ia  that  truly 
laudable,  and,  even  u  an  EngUsliman,  patriotic  object,  the  cultivation 
of  Irish  soil,  so  earnestly  advocated  by  the  florid  and  convincing 
eloquence  of 

BtR'ROBEBT  ITIEL, 

never  perhaps  preaenfcd  itself  even  to  tbe  fertile  imagination  of 

CAPABILITT  BEOWV. 

*'  Now  or  Never,"  therefore,  should  be  the  motto  for  any  enterprisiug 
Capitalist  deeiroua  of  promoting 

THE  REOBKERATION   OP   IRELAND. 

The  Conveyance  of  these  Estates  has  been  so  simplitied  as  to  preclude 
tho  aligbtest  apprehension  on  ttie  part  of  the  Purchaser  of  being  in- 
troduced to  too  familiar  acquaintance  vitU 

OENTLXVEN   Of  THE   LONG   ROBE  ; 

and  he  may  rest  assured  that  he  will  require 

A  VBBY  BMALL  BOX  POa   HIS   TITLE  DEEDS, 

which  will  confer  upon  him  what  tbe  celebrated  Db.  Johnson  would 
have  styled  the  potentiality  of  rendering  the  famine-stiicken  population 
of  Ireland  really  and  truly  some  of  the 

PIKEST   PEAaANTBT   IN  TffE  UNlVEIlSr., 

tbu  eifectiveiy  carrying  out  the  creditable  int«ntion  of  the 

OOVEBNMBNT  OP  LORD  JOHK  BDSSELL. 

*•*  AltboDghthe  Sales  will  take  place  in  a  Court  of  Jnaticr,  Mr. 
Babon  Richards  will  endeavour  to  btnitU  all  gloomy  astooiations  by 
emulating  the  nsnal//i<*Wf.e  of  tho  Auction  Uoom ;  an  attempt  in  which 
he  is  allowed  to  have  felicitously  acquitted  himself  on  his  very  first 
occasioft  of  wielding  tbe  Hammer. 


THE  NEEDLES  OF  LONDON. 


To  hunt  for  a  needle  in  a  bottle  of  hay  is  a  venerable  proverb  of  hope- 
lessness— to  discover  a  needlewomau  in  London  seems  a  matter  of  no 
less  despair.  Tbovas  Cablyle  has,  from  his  paper  pulpit,  fulmined 
the  fact  that  "  no  ueedleworiiaOf  distressed  or  otherwise,  can  be  pro* 
cnred  in  London  by  any  housewife  to  give  for  fair  wa^s  fair  help  in 
sewing."  This  ia  very  tme.  The  aempstresa  is  a  thing  of  mystery. 
She  dwells  in  the  attics  and  back  rooms  of  eourts  and  aJlejrs ;  but  how 
to  discover  her?  Why,  Sut  Robert  Pwl  has  anticipated  the 
remedial  reply — "Register,  register,"  Perhaps,  Mes.sbs  Shadbach 
ABP  ABBDNceo,  or  any  other  benevolent  8auiarttuis  of  the  thimble, 
would  allow  a  book  open  their  premises,  wherein  the  needlewomen 
mi^bt  write  tbcir  names  and  addresses  in  honest  ink.  At  present  such 
writing,  in  tbe  books  of  such  tradesmen,  is  done  in  tears. 


AN  APPEAL  FROM  THE  FIRST  OF  APRIL. 


SiB, 


To  Sib  R.  Inglu,  Bart. 


"Permit  me,  the  First  of  April— allowed  by  the  wisdom  of 
our  ancestors  to  be  tbe  greatest  hoax  ot  a  day,  the  greatest  sham  of  all 
the  365— to  appeal  to  you  as  a  gentleman,  a  patnot,  and  a  member, 
for  perhaps  tbe  wisest  university  upon  earth, — to  appeal,  1  say.  against 
a  growing  custom  that,  if  not  straightway  ended,  will  deprive  me  of  my 
vested  rights,  transferring  what  has  hitherto  been  the  hallowed 
property  of  the  First  of  April  to  my  younger  brother^  April  the 
Tenth. 

"  Since  1S48,  when  my  younger  relative  started  int^  absurd  import- 
ance, swaggering  up  and  down  with  a  constable's  staff,  and  expressing 
tiimsclf  wiUinc,  and  rather  desirous  t^  fight,  when  there  was  noliody  to 
fight  withal,  1— the  First  of  April,  John  IHcli/s  Sninl's  day  (if,  kind 
Sir  Robert,  you  will  allow  inc  the  expression)—/  have  been  made 
nobody.  Not  a  soul  has  thought  of  my  claims  to  noodledom.  as  a  great 
author  would  call  it— but  all  reverence,  all  thanks,  expressed  and  paid 
to  my  vapouring  younger  brother.  This  is  too  bad,  Sir  Robeut. 
There  ia  not  only  ingratitude  in  such  forget  fulness,  but  grea>:  social 
danger.  Are  the  universities  quite  safe,  if  the  First  of  April  is  to  be 
thus  despised?  Are  twenty  state  odices  I  co>tld  name  altogether 
secure,  if  the  tom-foolcry,  hitherto  a  part  of  myself,  is  eclipsed  and 
forgotten  ? 

'*  It  is  with  great  grief  I  find  a  patriot  and  consequent!/  a  ataonch 
conservative  like  yourself  Riving  his  powerful  name  and  inflacncc  to 
my  fraternal  rival,  the  Tenth.  On  Miu  W.  J.  Fox's  Education  Motion, 
I  find  these  words  spoken  by  Sir  Robeut  Ingus  :— 

"  '  He  tikd  contrasted  the  cdncatloa  of  t1u>  neopl'^  <'f  till*  country  wttb  tlifl  mora 
advanced  eOucatitm  of  Ktlibr  itaUoit>;  but  wouta  be  cxcbaoffo  tlio  manl  edncaUoaof 
the  pvuple  of  EuglutJ  for  tluit  ot  PrnwU  or  Fraiioe>  Om  (At  U)t\  c/AjirU,  lB4£i,  bad 
iro  uot  leasoD  to  tltauk  (Jod  for  tlu  character  of  tbe  penpk  of  this  coimtiT- 1 ' 

"  It  was  only  a  few  days  ago,  at  a  meeting  in  Westminster,  upon 
the  great  Cosmopolite  Exhibition  thftt  is  to  be,  Lobji  Bbououam 
dragged  in,  I  may  bay  it,  by  the  vrry  hair  of  his  head,  iAat  Tenth  of 
April!  Indeed,  when  i^  he  not  introduced ? — when  uot  forced  before 
the  public  f—now  dandled  at  Exeter  Hall— now  pclled  al  iVotccLion 
Gatherings !  • 

"  1  have  really  put  up  with  this  unjust  preference  for  mv  junior 
relative,  to  the  uttcrneglect.of  myself,  until  even  my  proverbiid  si  n- 
plicity  is  outraged.  I  now  must  speak.  I  now  must  implore  all  states* 
men  and  all  Members  of  Parliament — the  distinction  is  very  obvious — 
to  forego  this  foolish  preference,  this  unjust  patronage  of  an  up&t&rl, 
not  yet  two  years  old.  in  kindly  recollection  of  my  claims — claims  that 
existed  long  before  t  he  knowleuge  of  the  oldest  senator.  In  tbe  homely 
but  no  less  pathetic  words  of  the  advertisements  I  cry — 

"Englishmen!  Ministers!  M.lVs!  Return— return  to  your  First 
of  April,  and  all— all  shall  be  forgotten. 

"  I  have  the  honour,  bm  Robert,  to  remain— no  npatart— but  jours 

****?''  "The  OBionraL  Apwl  Fool." 


THE  BIARRIED  BACHELOR. 

These  is  no  limit  to  the  recklessness  of  the  penny-a-liners  in 
providing  pabulum  for  a  paragraph.  If  the  spider  had  a  shilling  an 
inch  allowed  him  for  his  web,  he  could  not  set  to  work  with  more 
alacrity  than  is  shown  by  tbe  penny-a-liner  iu  spbning  the  yam  of 
fiction  into  the  form  of  fact,  and,  indeed,  like  a  green  snectacled 
mouster,  "making  the  food  he  lives  upon."  Numerous  have  lutca  the 
premature  deaths  of  celebrated  men  at  tbe  bands  of  the  reporters  for 
the  newspaper  press,  who,  having  earned  a  shilling  by  the  announcement 
of  a  disi  iDguisned  character's  decease,  hare  pocketed  an  additional 
sixpence  by  briedy  bringing  him  to  life  again.  To  kUl  an  individual  for 
a  day  or  two  is,  however,  a  venial  ofTeuce,  inasmuch  as  he  can  alway^s 
prove  his  own  existence  by  entering  an  appearance  at  any  time,  bat  it 
ta  far  different  with  the  case  of  the  gallant  aUjok  EowA&DES^no  had 
no  sooner  come  home  from  India,  and  put  his  foot  on  the  Waterloo 
Station  of  the  South  Western  itailwav,  than  some  penny-a-liner,  in 
human  form,  must  needs  marry  him,  ana  bestow  upon  him  two  ready- 
made  liitte  ones. 

The  Major  lost  no  time  in  geftmg  himself  paragrapbically  divorced, 
and  repudialiog  the  pair  of  infant  pledges  in  which  he  bad  no  interest. 
He  very  naturally  objected  to  the  adoption  of  tbe  system  of  "  families 
supplied"  on  the  ver^  gratuitous  terms  upon  which  he  had  been  tust 
supplied  with  a  family.  His  alleged  wife  turned  out  to  be  a  black 
Ayah ;  and  we  are  of  opinion  that,  on  the  very  face  of  it,  the  allegation 
of  his  marriage  ought  not  to  have  been  put  forth,  for  if  it  had  been  so, 
the  fact — as  well  as  the  lidy — would  have  worn  a  very  difTerrnt  com- 
plexion. Such  a  plea  as  there  having  been  a  nigger  female  with  him, 
cannot  hold ;  and  we  must  insist  that,  to  use  the  profeaiional  term, 
there  was  not  even  enough  to  give  colour. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


tree  wu  niAde  the  Crou,  so  Uut  ba  viio  per- 

pcndi  the  roAller  wcU  "—writes  our  old  Kuihor 
— "  sh&U  find  tUt  whole  Adam  as  it  were  is  re- 
collected ia  aod  usder  the  crou,  ud  so  with 
u  admirahlfi  tie,  oonjolued  to  the  TiTifical  naXan 

»l«lf."  .      ._     ^.    . 

Beautiful  uid  sustaininc  is  the  thoagat  et 

this  eolemn  legend !    I^  desccoda  with  n  opo- 

tt&l  comfoft  from  churcbyvd  }ev  ind  Ofpi 


A  HOUSE  DIVIDED. 


MUCH  TOO  CONSIDERATE. 
Jiolnnttm.  **TuxMB,  Bbovk,  mt  BoTi  that's  js  riitn  a  Glus  or  Wms  as  you  cam  or 

AKIWUXJIK." 

Mr».  Siruwn.  *  A-BKM  1  AuotrsTDS,  mt  Ds-ab.    You  arc  scaur  heveb  qoimo  to  tAJim  Port 

WlJfJI.      YOV    KJtOW    IT  HKVKB   AORUn    WJTH   TOU,  MY    LoVB  !  ** 


Tusft£  were  on  Monda/  ni^bt  no  leas  Ihaa 
eight  divisions  of  the  House  of  Commons,  by 
Vroteciionists  poppiny  up  one  after  ibe  other 
to  move  "Ihattlio  Chairmioi  report  progress,  and 
ask  leare  to  sit  af^."  We  do  not  eisctljr  see 
what  progress  there  could  be  to  report,  nben 
obstruction  was  so  much  the  order  of  the  d*/ 
that  ererytbLDg  in  the  shape  of  business  waa 
stopped  b/  tbe  repeti'ion  ad  nauseam  of  tbn 
motion  we  have  specilied.  if  we  had  been  Ihs 
Chairtnan,  we  cerlamly  would  not  "  aak  leave  to 
sit  again;"  for,  after  eight  divibions  upon  one 
proposilioQ,  we  think  wc  should  have  had  quite 
enough  of  it. 

We  will  not  question  the  jrreai  devotion  of  tbe 
Protectionists,  as  well  as  of  all  other  parties,  to 
the  interests  of  their  country;  bat  we  tbtnk  it 
is  a  very  unfortunate  Diode  of  showing  their 
eeal,  that  they  should  impede  the  public  busineaa 
for  an  entire  evening,  by  proposing  over  and 
over  again  a  motion  which  rendered  impossible 
anything  else  in  tbe  sb&pe  of  motion,  and 
brought  the  Kouise  to  a  dead  stand-slill.  Per- 
haps, however,  the  Protectionists  act  on  the 
motto,  "  Divide  et  Impera"  and  imagine  tliat,  the 
oftener  they  divide,  tbe  better  their  chance  of 
gOTeroiflg. 


DKATII  OUT  OF  TOWN. 

TtfE  Report  on  intraoinial  iatemient  is  a  most  disoouragiog  document.  It  treats  death  as 
anuisaoce,  aod  ought,  therefore,  to  arouse  tbe  opposition  of  those  worthy  mrD~^ttiG  genus 
Lal'KJK  and  Hickjs— who  look  upon  a  London  tombstone  as  bearing,  only  with  a  difference, 
an  eiirsct  from  tbe  Qreat  Cbsfter.  With  the  recommendatiDn  embodied  in  the  Report 
once  carried  into  effect,  and  alt  London  church  bells  are  henceforth  dumb — dumb  in  so  far  as 
funeresl  solemnities  appeal  to  them.  Tbe  giddy,  calcuUting  wayfarers  of  l«ondon  streets  are. 
moreover^  deprifed  of  a  most  touching  moral  lesson ;  for  they  will  not  have  tbtir  idle  or 
commercial  feelingi  deepened  into  meditation  by  tbe  frequent  appearance  of  walking  funerals, 
shouldering  and  edging  their  way  through  a  crowd  of  Dusy  life.  This,  no  doubt,  is  only 
another  attack  upon  aootber  vested  right,  ud— but  we  leave  the  measure  in  tbe  bands  of  Si& 
p£tJ£K  Laurib,  who  will,  we  fear  it  not,  behave  wi'h  becoming  indignation  upon  so  important 
a  matter. 

Tbe  Heport  recommends  that  a  vast  eemeterv  for  tbe  million  be  est-abliabtd.  Eritb  is 
said  to  be  tbe  s])ot  pointed  at.  To  this  spot  Liiere  will  be  easy  aooess  by  railway;  and 
farther,  by  steam-boal.  that,  at  several  sppointed  italious,  shall,  on  certain  days,  take  un  its 
freight  of  morla'itr.  How  civic  bodi«'S,  in  thrir  gilt  bargtrs,  rowed  to  iced  punch  snd  wtiitr:- 
bait,  will  suffer  tne  dra'h-boat  to  poiion  the  Thames  and  their  sense  of  animal  enjoymtnls  is 
yet  to  be  known.  Tbe  measure  has  not  >et  been  approved  of  by  the  Court  of  Aldermen,  and 
that  Court  boasts  at  leut  a  LAURrE  ! 

Tbe  Report  further  recommends  that  the  cemetery  be  planted  with  trees.    For— 

"It  ftppaftra  ilut  d«ou«i]MMlU(m  tuTsrlAblf  gnts  on  raort  npltlljr  nnu  tlio  rontu  of  trees  Uun  In  say  other  piirts 
or  Um  burUl'irround  (  that  the  tsarUi  U  Alwtya  much  drier  nnar  the  rooti  of  trees  thui  ciMwhere ;  IhRt  the  flbmi  of 
llMffMtiamdnMrn  Vnnrdjk  lbs  dls  of  tli«  icrav«.  and  sr«  on«Q  obMTVcd  to  p«iu>timt«  r itf Ai  (AroiuA  iA«  daonvKf  wmiI 

Tlir.  products  of  drrompositlon  are*' rcoombinod,'*  savs  the  Report,  "into  living  and  healthful 
vegotable  slructurcs  "  and  thus  what  were  the  mortal  elements  of  men  and  women,  may  become 
vaw  and  cypress,  and  weeping  willow.  In  lieu  ofpoisoning  a  city  atmosphere,  the  human  earth 
is  Iransferred  into  a  thing  ol  beatlhrul  beauty.  Very  old,  indeed,  is  the  thought— but  no  less 
welcome  in  the  admirable  Report  before  us.  How  solemn— bow  profoundly  significant  is  the 
old  legend  of  Adam  and  the  Tree  of  Paradise  ! 

*'  Ad4M,  being  now  ready  to  die,  fell  a  fear  of  death,  and  desired  earnestly  a  branch  from 
tbe  Tree  of  Paradise.  He  therefore  sent  one  of  his  sons  tbilher  to  fetch  on^  in  boi>e  that 
be  niiftht  escape  this  dreadful  reward  of  lin.  Tbe  son  went,  and  made  bis  peiifion  to  tbe 
oherub  who  guarded  the  gstr,  and  received  from  him  a  bough,  but  Adau  meanwhile  bod 
departed.  Therefore  the  son  pisoled  the  bough  upon  Adam'a  grave.  It  struck  root,  and 
grew  into  a  great  tree,  snd  attracted  the  whole  nature  of  Adau  to  its  nutriment.  This  tree 
— sny  the  TiQniudista~together  with  tbe  bones  of  Adam  from  beneath  it,  was  prescrvetl  in 
tbe  ark.  After  the  waters  bad  abated,  Nqaii  divided  these  relics  among  hu  sons.  Tbe  skull 
was  Suisu's  share.  He  buried  it  in  a  mountain  of  Judtea,  planting  the  tree  with  it,  and  tbe 
plioe  was  called  from  thence  Calvary  and  Golgotha,  or  the  place  of  a  SkuiL    And  of  that 


LoEl     What  a  uotr  AOOitutASLi  GtAM— T 

IT  MARSB  OVB  UKit  A   PUtVICT   FlUUBT  I 


THE  TESt  OF  IMTELLIGENCC. 

As  most  persona  differ  as  to  what  1  he  Suffrage 
should  be.  we  propose  the  following  test  :^ 
"  That  every  onn  who  resds  PvacA  shall  bo 
entitled  to  a  vote." 


DtED— On  the  3rd  instant  Mr.  W,  P.  HaLa'a 

left  whisker,  to  a  deep  black.     It  has  left  behind 
it  a  red  whisker,  inconsolable  for  iLi  loss. 


^^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


99 


THE  BAR  AND  THE  STAGE. 

APTAiK  Rthdees  and  others— principftl 
brawlara  in  Ihe  Forrcst  riots  hi  New 
York  —  ha?e  been  awiuitted  by  an 
American  Jurv.  We  arc  not  surprued  at 
the  result.  Had  Mfi..  Ma.C££adt  becD 
maimed  ajid  disabled  by  the  rulBani  who 
on/>  pelted  liim  with  foul  efg*.  pOKublr{ 
they  would  have  had  acme  si|ciufloa&t 
ie«tiroonial  to  elermse  the  memorr  of 
the  deed.  Alit.  Yak  Buren,  coimsel  for 
the  aoouied,  took  a  very  pbilosopbical 
Tiev  of  the  privUegea  of  aa  audience. 
The  learned  gentleman  seemed  to  look 
upon  Aotors  as  echool  boys  are  apt  to 
consider  fioga  or  cockcliafers ;  llings 
made  for  sport — for  fun;  to  be  pelted 
wiih  Hionrs.  or  impaled  on  corking-pint. 
*'  Acling,"  aays  Van  Bitbjbn— 
Aetiuc  !■  not  a  coneedecUy  oieful  tri,  pratectoil  hy  Uic  law,  tmt  it  Ua  raoile  or 


ilch  dftpendi  fur  lis  oxUtesoo  upon  the  eisttficatioii  of  tbv  ptibllr  In  an  unre- 
•tralDcd  TAJ.  Tljftt  such  ia  the  nile.  apixnuv  to  mo  to  be  »o  clear,  that  no  n;r<n>tic«  to 
antbority  could  make  It  plainer.  It  hu  boen  done  ttom  Ume  Imoieiuoilal,  and  not 
mcnty  In  rcfcrcnr«  to  tlu*  artor  and  hit  perftnuancv,  but  in  ttapect  to  lilia  priTate 
Cbiidtict,  fta  an  actor,  oil  or  ou  tbc  Bla^" 

Aetine  not  beini?  auaeful  art.  what  ia  to  be  said  of  play-wriiineP  la 
BamUt  iitlle  better  than  the  kaleidoscope  P  U  Leur  not  useful— £>«/i^ 
exaltiugP  And  then  Mb.  Van  Buiun.  vilh  a  triumphant  peroration, 
Mka— 

**  llmr  ar«  yon  to  cM  do*a  >^«  Diroil  ol  a  mu  and  kuov  ttio  retfoa  of  hU 
applauding  ?" 

Very  true :  impoatibte.  Now  it  is  easy  to  Ret  into  (he  pocket  of  a 
counsel— the  actor  in  borBC-hair— and  know  the  reason  of  his  sophi&ii- 
catini?.  The  licence  of  the  bar,  liowpver — as  impudence  and  brutality 
are  too  often  mis-called — takes  eHMcial  liberties  with  the  actor.  Give 
a  counsel  a  playhouse  case  to  dew  wilh,  and — nine  times  out  of  ten — 
be  considers  himself  justified  in  his  worst.  The  great  man,  with  the 
loftiest  Gontcntpt  and  the  ahari)est  wit  to  nialch.  despises  and  lacerates 
the  poor  player.  JSven  our  own  Seiijt4M  Wilkims,  whose  delicacy 
has  become  a  proverb — so  that  at  the  bar  Mess  nothing  is  more 
common  than  to  hear,  "as  meek  as  Wilkins;"  "as  gracious  as 
Wii,Kii.-8;"  "as  golden -mouthed  aa  Wimins'*— even  that  mild, 
magnanimous  man,  cannot  forego  the  temptation  of  sport  with 
the  actor.  A  few  days  ago,  a  young  lady  brings  an  action  against 
MATfAGEE  Madcz.  The  actress  is  a  mrson  of  uuimpeachea  cha- 
racter; an  excellent  woman.  NevertneleAs,  even  "Wilkins  uixist 
faaT0  bis  joke ;  for  he  expresses  his  sympathy  with  managers  who 
bajre  to  d«d  with  actresses  "  who  come  to  rehearsals  aj{^  dinnrr." 
The  liilariouB,  vinoua  attempt  at  wit,  is  here  patent:  and  the  joke 
is  all  the  more  gay  and  daring,  from  the  fact  that  tbe  milky  Wit- 
XIK8  knows  that  rehearsals  never  take  place  after  dinner.  The 
Serjeant  himself  was  once  a  promising  actor;  and  at  Stoke  Pogis 
alwaj-s  secured  tbe  bespeak  of  Mias  Grisicbt's  boarding-school  when 
he  acted  RowuranU.  Therefore,  the  wit  of  the  Serjeant's  allusion  to 
feminine  intemperance  is  the  more  to  be  relished.  It  ia  the  known 
falsehood  of  the  thing  that  makes  it  so  very  piquant,  and  bo  very 
honourable— as  the  phrase  goes — to  tbe  bead  ana  heart  of  the  bene^cenl 

WiLKINS. 


DOMESTIC  DIALOGUES. 


A  Dinf  having  knocked  at  tbe  door,  it  is  opened  by  a  servant,  and  tbe 
following  dialogue  ensues : — 

I>HH.  Is  your  master  ii^? 

Stfvani.  No,  Sir. 

Ihtn.  Is  your  miitress  in  P 

Servant.  No,  Sir. 

Dnm.  Is  your  young  master  in  F 

Henumt.  No,  Sir. 

J)uH.  Any  of  the  family  in  ? 

Servant.  No,  Sir. 

Dim.  Then  there 's  nobody  in  ? 

Servuni.  Ob,  ye«,  Sir ;  tbe  execution's  in— you  can  walk  up  and  see 
that,  if  you  like. 

THB  "kO  BEirmTt"  OF  THE  ACT. 

Iv  comeqnence  of  the  recent  decision  by  which  it  turns  out  that  any 
millowncr  may  defeat  the  intentions  of  the  Factory  Act,  we  beg  to 
soggest  tbe  btuati*/a£tor^  Act  aa  the  most  appropriate  name  for  it. 


Tas  DuT  OP  NATinut.— No  Kuglishman  dies  exactly  poor,  for  he 
leaves  his  share  in  tbe  National  Debt  to  his  children ! 


IGNOIIANCE  FOR  THE  MILLION  ! 

BetpectfuUff  Dedicated  fo  Sm  R.  H.  IJSGUfl  and  Mb.  FtUlfTTBL 

LiOHT  for  the  many !  needful  lore. 
In  vain  the  good  and  wise  implore, 

And  wherefore  is  there  noner 
Ikgus  his  portly  bulk  expands, 
And  interposed  iicuse  pLCurTKE  stAnda* 
With  all  Cant's  congregated  bandit. 

Between  tbeui  and  the  Suu. 

"  No  school  without  religion  1 "  whoop 
The  lealot  band,  the  bigot  troop, 

(Mild  names  the  crew  t«  call), 
Knowing  that  England  oan*t  agree 

What  that  religion  ia  to  be, 
And  therefore,  in  realitr. 

They  cry,  "  No  school  at  all !  " 

Unless  with  orthodoxy  taught, 
The  Alptubei  'a  a  thmg  of  nnagbt, 

The  Grainui&r  is  a  snare ; 
Arithmetic  a  net  of  sin, 
Geography  :i  l>eniou*a  gin. 
To  catch  the  boijIs  of  children  in. 

As  these  good  folks  declare.  * 

"  Religion !    Not  a  school  without  1 " 
You  teach  it  cleverly,  no  doubt, 

By  your  paroobial  plan  ; 
The  Lesson  dmwicd  wiUi  dronish  note. 
The  Calecliism  rehearsed  t)y  rule, 
The  gabbled  Collect,  much  promote 

True  piety  in  man. 

'Twere  mighty  well  could  you  impart 
What  is  the  learning  of  the  heart 

Task-like,  as  A.  B.C.; 
Could  fornial  i)cdagoRues  inspire 
Wliat  childhood  Imrdly  can  acquire 
But  from  the  teriching  of  a  sire. 

Or  at  a  mother's  knee. 

Say,  Ingus  ;  is  it  for  your  creed 
Vou  won't  let  children  learn  to  read ; 

Or  hold  you  but  a  brief 
For  Oxford,  whom  you  represent, 
Oxford,  on  domination  bent. 
Though  torn  to  pieces  with  distent 

As  to  her  own  belief  ? 

Well ;  stand  in  Education's  way. 
And  still  obstruct  the  public  day, 

Ikglis  and  Pi.UMr-TRE  loo; 
Whilit  everv  wretch  in  darkness  bred. 
To  freight  the  hulks,  the  drop  to  tread. 
Because  through  Iinoronce  misled. 

Shall  render  thanks  to  you. 


AN  ARTICLE  WKITTEN  DimiNG  THE  FOG. 

"  Wen  we  lok  arund  us  wc  see  noting  but  the  gratest  obskurity  ami 
we  runa  abut  in  vane  for  a  frendtfhandto  ledus  out  of  the  prvdng 
damesssssa  Grece  Austra  and  Switser  land  frowndownupon  us  and 
the  Russian  Bare  Rrowls  ominuslv  Louis  Napolon  is  no  moretobe 
trusted  than  Geobgy  Hudson  CAissioitBE  is  hut aJio&^rtjlacain 
and  Lou  Blank  is  only  Tom  Thitm  with  high  eels."- 

Note  by  tue  Editob.— We  have  submitted  the  above  article  to  tbe 
talented  contributor  from  whom  wc  have  received  it.  He  cannot  tell 
ua  what  it;  is  alt  about.  He  believes  it  is  sometliing  exceedingly  clever 
about  "  The  Pbesent  Position  of  Aftairs  in  Eubopi,"  or  eiae  ■ 
notice  of  Mb.  Grieves's  "Gallery  of  Illustration."  which  has  just 
opened  in  llcnent -street, — he  cannot  tell  precisely  which.  "All  I  recol- 
lect is,  that  it  was  written  in  the  midst  of  Thur&d&y'a  fog,  and  that  the 
article  was  interrupted  by  some  furry  substance,  which  I  believe  to 
have  been  the  cat  running  across  the  table,  and  knocking  the  pen  out 
of  my  hand,  when  I  thought  it  was  time  to  rise  and  ring  for  candles.** 
That  is  all  the  light  our  taleBted  contributor  can  throw  upon  tbe  abova 
article. 


a  HINT  FOB  LraCPBltBE. 

So  rre9acntly  is  Fleet  Street  in  ihe  hands  of  the  FAvionra  that  tht 
Fia  Pacta  would  be  an  excellent  classical  name  for  it. 


V^<^,  v.v«- 


I 


TnB  public  treisury  is  under  very  grea^  obligation*  just  now  to 
CoDsoience,  in  wiiose  came  the  Ckavcellor  op  tu£  Exchequer  it 
continutlij  receiving  stuns  of  Urge  amount,  aad  the  tirst  Ijalves  of 
Baiik-noles,  whose  better  halves  follow  in  a  day  or  two  afterward^  to 
form  the  nccp^s-vry  union.  We  are  not  quite  sure  that  these  large 
reoeipts  of  conscience  money  may  be  re§rarded  as  proof  of  increased 
morality  on  lUe  part  of  the  public,  for  we  may  be  tolerably  certain 
that  ibe  sums  sent  ia  to  the  CtiANCEM/)[i  or  the  Excheqfeh  do 
not  form  the  kuDdredtb  part  of  one  per  o:!nk  upon  the  gross  amount 
of  roguery  committed.  The  fact  of  conscience  money  coming  in  rather 
bri&kly  sliows  that  diahoneaty  is  carried  to  sncn  an  extent,  that 
even  conscience,  who  is  so  t^Wy  pat  to  sleep,  can  no  longer  remain 
completely  dormant.  We  cannot  saymuc'i  eittier  for  the  respectability 
of  a  principle  which  regards  the  paymeut  of  money  in  the  name  of 
conscience  aa  a  sufficient  eipiation  of  an  ofTence,  and  indeed  the 
process  ia  no  other  than  the  old  one  of  plating  sin  with  gold— a 
spcciea  of  electrotyping  which,  in  our  rs'imalion,  leares  the  gilt  as 
glaring  as  erer. 

Nevertheleits.  all  is  grist  that  comcK  to  the  Chancellob  of  the  Ex- 
chequer's mill,  and  if  conscience  continues  its  coutribmions  at  their 
present  rate,  we  may  begin  to  look  upon  conscience  money  aa  a 
reco»ni%ed  source  of  revenue.  We  will  antic  pate  a  few  cases  under 
l^e  bead  of 

TENDER-CONSCIENCE   MONEY- 

The  Chakcellor  of  the  Exchequer  has  received  from  "  X.  "  W., 
"computed  to  br  ttir  value  of  a  ros  i  picked  ten  y^ara  ago  in  Kensington 
Omrdsns."  He  baa  banded  the  money  over  to  the  Commiasioners  of 
Woods  and  Forests. 

The  CiiA>'CELLOE  or  the  Exchsquer  haa  also  to  acknowledge  the 
jceipt  from  *'Z.  "  of  £500,  being  "tbe  amount,  wilh  interest,  of  penal- 
ties incurred  at  various  times  br  carrying  notes  from  one  friend  to 
uotlier,  instead  of  sending  them  by  post." 

The  sum  of  i50  haa  been  sent  to  the  CHaNCELLORor  the  Exchequer 
by  "J.  B."  "  for  having  defrauded  the  Eiciv,  by  making  a  private  still 
out  of  a  tea-kettle,  and  therewith  distilling  an  ounce  of  spirit  from  a  pot 
of  ale. 

"A  Reformed  Convict"  has  forwarded  id.  to  the  Chaxcellor  op 
THE  ExcHE^DER,  "  for  reparation  of  damage  don^  to  Government  pro- 
perty»  while  in  gaol,  by  cutting  out  tbe  name  of  *  Spooks  '  on  tbe  wall," 


THE  COOKERY  OF  ALL  NATIONS. 

In  the  classified  list  of  objects  to  l>e  admitted  to  the  "Exhibition  of 
Industry  of  all  Nations  "  under  tbe  head  of  Section  1,  "  Haw  Materials 
and  Produce,"  it  is  stated  that — 

"  UtiJ«r  nw  materlil!!  In  thli  Kctloo,  ue  to  belDoluded  kU  pTY)duetji  of  tbe  MlnenL 
Vagvtablf,  sod  Animal  Kingdonu,  eitlisr  in  u  ectiraly  raw  utata,  or  In  Any  §tMS9  of 
I^rapftr&Uou,  pravimu  to  arriVtng  ftt  tbe  stmt*  of  ■  flnUhod  LiKDurRctan).** 

Thif  arrangement  evidently  opens  the  door  of  the  Exhibition  to  tlis 
butclier.  the  greengrocer,  and  the  cook,  whose  reapeciive  commoditiei 
arc  all  derived  from  the  Tegetahle  and  animal  kingdoms.  We  think  the 
perniission  to  exhibit  objects  belonging  to  the  latter  krogdom  "in  an 
entirely  raw  state  "  had  better  be  revoked,  for  although  the  exterior  of 
Mh.  Q]BLEn*3  sboD  may  be  considered  a  picture  by  the  vulgar,  yet,  to 
please  the  eye  of  refinemetit,  meat  should  bo  dressed — the  leg  of  mutton 
should  apoear  with  iis  trimmings,  not  as  sheep's  flesh  unadorned. 
There  can  be  no  objection  to  the  display  of  culinary  Hpecimen%  though 
this,  in  some  cases,  will  rat  hf;r  involve  making  a  hash  of  it.  Let.  France, 
then,  send  her  countlrsi  dishes,  Italy  her  cream,  Spain  herolla-podrtd«. 
llussia  her  caviare,  Turkey  her  kicbobs,  India  her  curry,  Ireland, 
Scotland,  and  Wales  their  atew.  haggis,  and  r.ibbit,  wbili^t  English  roast 
beef  thiill  compete  with  the  cookery  ot  the  world.  Let  Germany  also 
send  heraausages,  and  as  regards  sausages,  it  might  be  well  to  relax  the 
restriction  above  recommended.  The  exposition  of  the  raw  matetiala 
of  the  aausage,  whether  Qerman  or  British,  would  not  only  gratify  a 
wholeaome  curiosity,  but  also  (we  hope)  allay  very  unplenwnt  misgivinga 


Tbe  Victoria  Blue. 

In  "Labour  and  the  Poor,"  in  the  ChronicU^  we  have  the  curiou 
history,  the  odd  staListics,  of  the  doll-trade.    A  doll-maker  says : — 

"  Tbo  «yu  tlut  V*  inaLko  fur  9pafiisli  Amorica  we  ^1  blu-k.  A  blu«-«yed  doU  Id  tliAt 
oonntry  wnulilo'l  tvll  •(  &II.  llfiv,  boirerernpfAtN^fiMvifowii  hut  btut  ryri.  Tba  rMaun 
for  thla  l4,  bccmuMthit'i  th«  eolonr  of  the  QuMo'i  eyei,  and  tb*  Mtt  thahabloo  In  lUa 
m  In  olU«r  thlncs.' 

What  a  bleasiog  it  is  that  out  good  little  Qoeex  does  not  aquint. 


TuR  Be-all,  a.kd  Kwd  all— It  is  a  great  question  whether  the 
Govfmment  that  clings  to  Finality  will  not  aoon  And  itself  "iii 
tslremiM  /  " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


101 


'S^i^^ 


■vV   1  -.  ,  ( 


t-'-^ 


^rttpg Matt  {loquitur.)  '*I  say  Chables— that's  a  prouibimo  Lrrrut  Fillt  aloso  o*  that  bat-hauled  Womait  who's  TAUUKa 

TO  TH£  BL\CK-COB-LOOKI1IO  MaIT  !  " 


SCENES    FROM    THE    LIFE    OF    AN    UNPROTECTED    FEMALE. 

THE   UKPEOTECTEI)   PEUALE,    WHILE   VISITWO  TH8    SMITHEHaES    Ilf   THE   COUHTBT,   HAS    HAD    THE    inSFOBTUMB   TO   HAVE    SBEX  A   BOBEBBT 
COHUITTfe.D   AT    A    BllLVAY   8TAT10X,   AND    riUDS    ilEKSELP   SUBPOEXAED   AND   IN   ATTENDANCE   AS   A   WITNESS   AT  THE   ASaiEE   TOWN, 


Scene. — The  Oalifrw  in  (he  CivU  Court.  The  Unprotected  Female  \» 
jammed  Daitif nit  If  into  a  turner,  tciih  a  confuted  impteuiom  that  tU 
FlaimtiJ'*  are  Priaonen, 

Vnprokcted  Female,  Is  (his  inlhe  Queea's  Bench  or  the  Crimuiftl 
Court  p 

Obliging  Netghbonr,  Eb  ?  Ob — tliia  is  Xisi  Prias,  I  belieTp.  Cer- 
tainly this  is  Aril  Priu9.  Your's  a  criminal  case  ? — ah — that 's  a  vtry 
diiTerrac  case. 

ACr^mtkoui,  Ma-a-btha— Stbcgo-lles ! 

Mftilaied  Echo.  —tua-UGGLES. 

Maii'ff.  Thuggles! 

AauiLur  Poiieemaa  Crier.  DiGGLES  ! 

Unp'  otected  Female.  Ob.  I  'm  sure  1  heard  somebody  call  for  me !  Ob, 
I'm  mre  I  'm  wanttd  sontewhere. 

Indignani  BoiUff.  Diggles  wanted  in  the  orher  court ! 

Vap't'tecied  Female  iriiing).  Oh— please— isn't  it  **  Struggles?  "—I 
btari  "Stbdggles"  agoodvayoffi*  Oh — nhich  is  the  other  court  ? 

Judge  {iadigmtntly  glancing  up  at  the  Galierp).  la  there  uo  baihff  io 
atteniUnco  to  preserve  dtcrucy  in  the  court  F 

OU'lfina  Neighlonr  (w  terror).  Oh — for  goodness'  sake,  sii  down, 
Ma'ani  — bis  Lordship's  attending  to  )ou. 

Unprotected  Female,  Ub— bui;  I  'm  wanted !  I  'm  certain  it  'a 
Strdogi^s. 

Judge  {itill  more  ic^rety),  Where's  the  Under  Sheriff?  I  shall  commit 
any  tersons  iiiterruptmg  'he  busincsft  I 

Ohligiag  Neghhoar.  Ob,  pray  sit  down,  Madam,  or  you  will  be 
coniruttted. 

t/nproteeted Female.  Oh— I're  not  oommitted  any  tbinf — I'm  here 
as  A  witOMs.    Thry  n  ade  me.     I  wouldn't  have,  but  thf-y  made  me. 
[A  coherent  tUher  $uoeed»  »»  fonoi^mg  the  name  o/*Struogles//<?«i 
Iha  Ct  ihiinat  to  the  Ciml  Oourt,  ofier'the  mime  La  eeveral  times 
pcrithed  m  the  attempt. 


VIII. 


Unproteetfd Femw'e  <per/ectlg  frantic  teilk  aaxietg  and  termor) .  Oh — it 's 
me — then — oh,  please  let  me  out — oh,  let  me  out.  1  *m  a  witness.  I  'm 
wanted !  Ob,  indeed, 

[She  attempts  to  effect  a  bUnd  ruxk  over  her  Obliging  Neighbour. 
Judge  {with  ovenchtlmnj  indignation).    I  will  not  have  intoxiosted 
persons  admit  ed  to  those  ^lleries.     Ijet  those  galleries  be  cleared. 

{_The  Oallerjf  it  etrarfd-the  ObuoiNO  NeighboT^B  being  turned oui 
leith  the  reit.  The  Unprotected  Feicalb  m  borne  off  bg  an 
Attomeg^  an  Uther,  ondtieoiuperffuousPoUcemen^  qfwnon  there 
appears  to  be  a  perfect  i  ttrjtotc. 
[71*^  ScKNE  rhangex  to  the  Criminal  Court.  The  ecse  is  in  prcgreu, 
and  the  Unprotected  Female  at  once  Jindi  henelj' thrunt  into 
the  witiwMM.box,  teith  the  Judge  scolding  her  for  kerping  the 
Court  Kaitiftg. 

\_A  lapte  ofttco  minutes^  during  which  alt  the  faculties  tfthe  Unpbo- 
tkctkd  Ftkjllk  have  dt^rted  allogethtr. 
Crier  of  the  Conrt  \soothinglg).  be.  composed,  my  dear  Madam.    Now 
— take  off  \our  glove! 
Judae  [sharply.  Do  you  hf^sr — stand  up,  can't  you — take  your  ^loTe  off. 
[Unprotected  Female  has  a  stngg'e  teilh  her  g'aves,  which  never 
re  istfd so  it  bbornl^  before.  She  at  last  gets  her  Irft  he nd glove  off. 
C'ier  (snapp'shlg).  Kijcbt  'and  glore. 

Coumset  for  Prosecution,  llighi  hand  gloye,  my  dear  Madam— now, 
prsT — Ctfii  pose  yoiira«-l(. 
Crier,  K'gbt  'and  glore — don't  you  'ear— now— take  the  book. 

[She  iaios  it  sinkinglp. 
Judg^.  Stand  up  witness,  can't  yon. 

[Bg  th'  uni/ed  efforts  of  the  Counsel,  Ushers,  CrIEB,  and  JuDGE,  the 
Unprotected  ^r.\iKi,t.isattasltKOrn. 
Coumel  for  the  Pro»ecution.   Miss  Martha  Stbcgglbe,  you  are  a 
gentlewoman  residing  Gicai  Coraiu  Siicet,  BLoomsbuTT  ? 


102 


PUNCH,  ©R  THE  LONDON  CHABIVABI 


Unprotected  Female  (tn  an  inaudible  manner,  and  fieling  hertelf  erimi- 
nallv  responiiblefor  every  answer  she  makes).  Yes,  my  Lord — Sir. 

fudge.  Speak  up.  Ma'am,  can't  you — now  Ma'am— here — attend  to 
me.  (Unpbotected  Female  aiteiids  to  everything  else).  Look — /must 
hear  you — and  these  g'^ntlemen  fpi^Wc'v*^'^^  hit  pen  to  the  Jurv)  and 
those  gentlemen  (nodding  down  at  the  Counsel)^  and,  above  all,  that 
gentleman  {facetiously  pointing  to  the  prisoner,  icith  a  chuckle),  so 
don't  give  us  quite  so  much  trouble,  but  speak  up  {reading  his  notes), 

".RtJGOLES." 

Counsel  for  Proseculion.  SiauGOLES,  my  Lord. 
Judge  (angrily).    Well,  Sir—"  Struggles  "—Isolto  voce)  now,  get  on, 
do — for  go  dne>8  sake,  now — ^get  on — come.   (To  the  Jury,  con^dentially.) 
These  women  I  Now— come — what  is  Mbs.  Struggles  to  prove  ? 

Counsel  for  the  JPiVMo/tion.  Miss  Stkvggles — do  >ou  remember  the 
third  of  Keoruaryf ' 

[UypROTECTBI)  Peiuxx  vui&es  a  terrific  effort  to  remember  the  Zrd  qf 
Februaty, 

Eniar.  SfiERi??  tsml  whispers  Jcdge. 
Judge.  StDjpiK'jnomMfa  {.Considtmtely  to  Jury.)  You  can  have  five 
minutes  forrafrnbmeBl)'Gc:ntlem«»~^ot  more  than  five  minutes. 

[£xeimt  Jitsffmen^i^ier  a  Bmiiffjhsts  been  strongly  sworn  im^iarge  qf 

tkmi 

\_d  eo9^^mfmurmwnmmes4ykmffh  the  crowd,  amd  tMtiV^r»arcECmi 

fxiUXS  in  hir  pmmai  bewilderment  become*  snddtttiy  possessed 

i9itt4kt>noti<m4katt$lm'kms.don«  something  she  ougit  Itottahave 

dmsjvmidhaiiJIimwitHMttbaa;  is  a  speeim  of^pUlosg^ 

MtomsTif^  FfhsmOism  {kind^  Yoit.caB  <iaamdom^^Sjitat^.Hii 

his  hordamjp^fittmsthatki^ifSMtdiitmndsmmfsad-ittsU)  Mowmmio^Uit 

yon  a  taoi^itkiiMbitim^ 


irnproteetttkimmle:^  Od^-n9»^ia^l70ih^^cm^         Ob/JJhopt  hipp; 


Counsel  for  Prisoner  {reoroaelfuUy).  Nevermind  wbat  you  said. 

Judge  (savagely).  We'd  rather  not;  hear  what  you  said. 

Counsel  for  Prosecution  (admonishingly).  Noir,  pray  do  confine  your- 
self to  the  question.  You  saw  a  white  linen  parcel  just  under  the 
shed  P    Now  what  occurred  to  that  parcel  while  you  were  there. 

Unprotected  Female,  The  man  took  it  up,  and  said,  it — 

Counsel  for  Prisoner,  Stop !  Was  it  in  tne  prisoner's  hearing  P 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh — I  hadn't  seen  the  prisoner  then. 

Judge.  Why  you  said  you  saw  the  prisoner  take  it  up. 

Counsel  for- Prosecution.  "The  man,"  she  said,  my  Lord. 

Judge,  Well,  the  man ;  I  thought  she  meant  the  prisoner,  of  course. 
We  *ve  beard  of  no  man  before  P 

Counsel  for  Prosecution.  Do  you  meui  the  prisoner  P 

Unprotected  Female.  WhatP 

Judge.  What  man  do  you  meanP 

Unprotected  Female.  WhoP 

Counsel  J  or  Prismss  ■  (very  awfully).  Remember,  witness,  you  are  on 
your  oath,  and  ttUMith*  liberty  of  a  fellow-creature  may  depend  on  your 
answer;  so  let  usiilEveAo  prevarication. 

Unprotected  Fmtk  iim  a  mats  and  a  terror).  Oh— -I'm.  sure  I  don't 
know— Who  ^diyoviattltoMn  P ' 

Judge.  WVk<dd  ymsmmai  Thafc.'s  thft point  (sottcvoor),  if  you  mean 
any  tiling,  wMnktljdflMbbi.  (WtryinfotiMy.)  Now  {to  Costmselfor  Pro- 
secution) rfrf^^oteiBiwtttiiigi^inl  ojjftier.  Come— an  you  going  to  keep 
us  all  dav.  MAit06«irf  ^ 

CounsH'fdhfPfbmmtitmnUmspering  Mtome^  She's  perfectly  be- 
wildered. {JWtUglpf.)  MM'hiwe  .another  wiUMss  who  speaks  to  the 
same  f act^iiqi^Ljbidd . 

Judge  {elff^iii^.^md  asjfjmueh  relieved^.  TlUtt  for  goodness'  sake  call 
the  otneK«Hhfiiii|iiMri:uiPW--and  do,  prayi  let  us  get  rid  of  this  ou- 


they  won't  alUMdiiso«)iimr10Qae>'  wMK:thi^x!«a»'baek} 

[A  suddeirtmtit  im4MM>m^'  Tl^i^\i9mrJutrj§v.,i^:,x0*mtmv 

Orter,  Nbww-thWitneapetKWWLUA-hertfi  \ 

\m  isi9uddmiii^r»^mUHmm*  the  mitmmio»f 

Counsel fi^Pfbmeutim.  Ilia.  vrMB«kitti*(BMk)dc  StaitbyfitafciDaj^ptt: 
the  third  of  FfcUnoy. 

Judge  (shssrpiiui^md  glfsasiKm0trtMMJvv»BncTED  EShjue  AirMVi#  i» 
doubU  glass).  OtK-t^iisiaiJAu^S^CSMuaP  WeU. 

Unprotected  Female  {who  kdtmo  independent  reooUeetionihatiibsm^Hm 
Zrd  of  February,  and  is  conscientious).  I  don't  remember  if' it  was  tll6 
third,  but 

Judge  (very  emphatically).  Then  try — 

Counsel  for  the  Prosecution.  We  shall  fix  the  day  by-and-bye~never 
mind  that;  just  now— 

Counsel  for  the  Prisoner.  Ob,  but  we  will  mind  if,  if  you  pleaser  {with  ■ 
a  half-teer,  half'wink,  at  the  Jury).  .A  pretty  witness  I  doesn't  even  reuxem- 
ber  the  day ! 

Counsel  for  the  i'rojff^ioJV..Btit  you-were-at  thftBuUook  Smithy 
Station,  early  in  February? 

Unprotected  FemaU  (eagerly).  Ohf-yes,  it  wouU  be  f he  third,  for  I 
remember  they  .wanted -me  tocookeon  the  second,  and  1  couldn't,  for  we 
had  the  sweeps. 

Judge,  Dear,  deftr  1  (Impatiently^  -Whaitimej  Ansvw  the<iuBstiOD, 
can't  you  P 

Unprotected  Female.  About  half  an  hour. 

Judge  {roaring. {U  her).  AiwhatlinaeoC'dsy  P  (rato  vmc^  Stupid-waman ! 

CounsaiforPtosecutia»{inttnund6rtonet<xn«sft  Counsel),  OonCouudhtr! 

Ui^arettcted  Female  (hsmtdy).  U  might  be  about  twelve  o'clock. 

Ju^  Don't  tell  us  what  it  might  Joe— when  was  it  P 

Unprotected  Feinale.  Oh  !  I  hadn'c'a  watch,  bat  I  thought— 

Counseifor  Prisoner.  Don't  tell  us  what  you  thought,  Mrs^Struggles. 

Judge  (chorusing).  We  don't  want  to  hear  what  you  tbeught.  (Half  aside 
to  the  Marshal.)    1  dare  say  .it  was  something  wonderfully  nonsensical. 
IfU  Msrshal  grins,  as  in  duty  bos$nd,  as  do  the-  skcJSdrristers,  who 
catch  the  remark 'and  his  Lordships s  eye. 

Counsel  fur  the  Prosecution,  Now,  compose  yourself.  Has.  SiauGGLES, 
and  attend  to  me.    Did  you  see  a  white  linen  parcel  ? 

(huMselfor  Prisoner,  Don't  lead  your  witness.    What  did  you  see  P 

Ui^rotected  Female  (makes  a  harrowing  efft/rt  to  call  up,  all  she  saw 
that  eventful  morning).  I  remember  I 'saw  a  man  trying,  to  cross  the 
line,  and  I  thought  he'd  be — 

Judge  (indes/Mir).  Oood  gracious  1  Moreof  her  thoughts  1  Attend 
to  me,  Mk'am,  {impressively.  W^  don't  want  to  know  what  yon  think, 
on  any  sabjeet,  or  at  any  time;  w«  want  to  know  what  you-  saw,  if  you 
saw  anything— about  this  matter,  or  what  you  did}  if  you  did  anything 
about  the  miAter,— or  wbat.yoa  saw  any  .•pecson'do  aboutthia  matter. 

Unprotected  Female  (in  whose  mind  the  circle  qf  her  resposuUiUlies  gets 
wider  and  wider  as  his  Lordship  goes  om. — to  i«/-M£0>  Oh.  I  nerar  shall  be 
able  to  tell  aU  that.    Oh,  nevei>- 

Counseifor  Prosecution,  Did  yon  aee  a  white  lioen  pacceL£ 

Unprotected  iemale,.  Tea. 

Judge.  Where  P 

Unprotected  Female,  L>{n8juituiidavttt0ahedr£dBl^hmenbeE.Isaid 
to  a  guard — 


Coiassel  (^oM^i.llVfcOOiNrrthc  beUtor,.  my  Lord.    You  may  ^ 
(Itta.  ST«j&QTiigs(  i4ddii3.  Atiaae§J  .Why  diM  you  aubpesiia  that  idiot 

Cl^  Nbw^ni'teidldviHf-wewBU;  IPlueis  her. 


But 


Ukmete6tedtmumi»ko/0ek:shehm,nHMtsttiiedtwr^  creditahly). 

kbl  aagctiiwrtiifaeatH— 

iTUXJ&wmnmwsxaiSfkMxaMrioohtidg^^  pulled,  hustled,  and 

helped  Mowmpamidviiiiss  imdmuiumsJiktitmundngiaif^aeomer 

bdieify-'tpkire iha iadiHgm  ikm  lonely gwsktfwreichednsss,  Scjbvb 


NOTHING  LIKE  LEATHER. 


Y  the  latest  advices  from  California,  we  lesm  that 
the  articles  in  which  it  is  mostr  j  udicioos  to  speeulate^ 
are  jack-boots,  and  that  a  horseguard,  therefore, 
emitting  in  his  regimental  chaussurt,  with  his  boots 
on  his  legs,  would  have  a  little  fortune  on  his  hands 
if  he  felt  himself  disposed  .-to  get  the-arlidcs  dia^ 
posed  of. 

It  seems  that  the  slushy  and  qnagmiry  state  of  the 
digging!*,  necessitates  the  use  of  the  -most  substan- 
tia protection  to  the  feet  and  legs:;  norcsn  wie  be 
surprised  that  there  is  much  mud  and  dirt  to  be 
gone  tbrough-in  the  search  after filthj;  lucre. 

In  more  civilised  nations  it  is  indispensable  thal- 
the  mere  nioney^hunter  should  have  a  strongj.coaraa 

understanding,  just  as  in  California  it  is  the  thickness  of  the  boot  that 

aids  one  in  the  pursuit  of  booty. 
It  is  evident  that  a  parcel  of  pumps  would  be  of  no  use  whaterer .  at 

the  diggings ;  and  that  as  in  boots,  so  in  men^-the  jaek  o£i  thajoneand 

the  knave  of  the  other,  will  be  most  suited  to  California*. 


Brabeiy, 

TiiB  Pott  has  a  manful  exposure  of  the^  meanness  o5  oeftain  print 
publishers,  who  vainly  hope  to  attack  the  meBttbecs— at  leasts  the  beUjr  t 
— of'the  press  with  food  anddtink. 

"  A  pabUsher  j^printaeller]  onoe  unt  to  oar  oflBce  m  end  of  inrltattota,  npop  wMdi' 
wu  written,  in  &lr  rooad  text,  *  Lvmekam  «■  lunaiJ  ** 

The  printseller,  in  his  profound  i^rnorance,  no  doubt  beUiJTed  tfaat- 
plates  would  fail  to  have  their  proper  infioenoe,  unless  further  reaom-x 
mended,  by  knives  and  forks. 


Political'  Ohoregvaphy. 

Thb  ballot  produced  the  other  night  at  the  ThetiFa«Bi(vai|*.8t 
Stepbensy'  was^  we  re^t  to  say,  unsnocessful,..  Ona  point  in..thepfD« 
formanaa  exalted,  univanul  dissmobationt.  lids  wa»  Ski^ ptnmette 
executed  hy  StKjQ^  GBay,v>inpiy)ib]i^MMngtjigbt  jwund  .ia^tne  most 
graceless  manner  possible. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


103 


ON. HIS  MARRIAGE." 


T  the  newrpapers  we 

learn    Privce    Al- 

JiXBT  hu    held  the 

first.  Levee   for  the 

QuTBN,  arc!  hu  ac- 

quilCed  himwlf  witli 

uis  u»iul  ((race  and 

good     t&ate.       He 

must,  bowBTcr,  have 

now  and  then  been 

put  io  it  to  maintain 

ma  icravirr.    Two  or 

three  juaie  creatures 

— delifiite  thinffs!— 

were  introduced  uj>- 

on      vimir       "  niar^ 

riage!"      That     a 

tffearrai  who  comes 

feum' India,  recking 

▼itii    -iniDpowder — 

that  a  capiain,  with 

hardiv  tlie  dull  ofT 

him  from  the  Arctic 

Pole — Bbould  wish  to  meet  the  thankful  eres  of  his  Sovereign,  aiter  the  kurela 

frathered,  af  cr  the  iceberg  eacnped,  is  well  enouj^b;  but  that  a  bridegroont.  with 

the  odour  of  oran^e-bloaioma  upon  bim,  should  rush  to  Court,  as  if  he  baa  done 

some  signal  service  to  the  State,  and  not— ^^f  c  lura^— an  inctdculablc  good  to 

bimfielf.  IS— as  CaUltte  would  say — a  mountainous  piece  of  flunkeydom, 

"Mr.  STEPHEWflON  was  presented  on  tiling  i he Britajmia Tubular  Bridge!" 

Tbii  read?,  or  would  read,  well  enonj^h  ;  but — 

"TnROPHTLrs  Spktko-gkkex,  on  placing  a  gold  ring  on  tho  maniage  fingBT  of 
Ladt  Ajlabzlul  DE  BL&]r01IA>'GK  *' — 

This  we  bold  to  be  a  most  wicked  and  UTipincipled  attack  on  the  time -and 
atten'ion  of  the  Sovereign.  It  is  otherwise  with  bridea.  Bless  them  !  We  would 
not  depnve  them  of  the  aweet  lalisfaction  of  such  introduction;  for  they  have  a 
n%hl  to  it.  They  have  lost  their  maiden  names;  have  given  up  their  nominal 
identity.  'Aiubelul  de  Blaj(ciianoe  is  merged  into  Spring-qKesn,  »nd  is  to 
be  received,  acknowledged,  and  bcDCoforih  known  at  Court  under  ker  new  signifioa- 
tion.  Not  80  with  the  specimen  of  the  rougher  stx.  THBoraXLVa  ia  the  same 
TwEOprntDS ;— Sprisg  GUEEN  has  his  cmtoraary  verdure. 

Nevertheless,  we  would  not  limit  the  occasions  of  Court-preaentatioti  for 
gentlemen.  We  think  there  are  many  social  and  domestic  events  upon  which  a 
man  may  feci  ho  has  a  right— either*  tender  or  a  proud  one— to  face  lu^  Sovereign. 
Puneh  will  just  jot  dowu-s  few,  as  they  rise  to  hishiBin,  like  Chaippegme  bubbles 
to  the  am  face. 

On  becoming  a  widower  ! 

On  winning  the  Derby ! 

' On  paying  a  tailof ! 

-^ On  getting  1  harshest  of  a  JawDitooutiteT ! 

On  ob'ainiD^l*nze  ia  the  '*  Jri-lJMum  f^* 

On  raading  ttom  beginning' -torecd.lbe  Xtfst /fiamphlet  of  Hn. 'SaGaus 


than  skin-deep.  With  sma!!  revolt  has  Ibis  yotith  been 
"leathered"  except.  "  with  a  vengeance,"  according  to  (he 
prescription  of  Ma.  Cajilyle,  whooontenda  that  in  priion- 
disoipline  there  is  nothing  like  ''leather"  applied  to  tho 
back  vindictively.  The  wtiippines  of  young  Jones  will  have 
given  little  satisfaction  to  an>body  but  the  writer  of  "  Model 
PruoMi"  who  probably,  as  the  v*rlet.  haa  not  answered  to  the 
whip,  and  Appears  inoorrijihie,  would  propose  to  "  sweep" 
hini  ''with  Some  rapidity  into  the  dast-bm."  But  bumaa 
rabbisti  ia  not  lo  be  so  easily  shot  away. 

Tbt«  retributory  flogging,  moreover,  is  by  no  means  a 
setllenient  with  the  culpnt.  If  Society  has  scourged  Jones, 
Jokes  isBtill  a  scourge  to  Society.  Ho  has  his  "revenge" 
as  well.  Hr,  as  a  poc'al  pest,  avenges  broken  natural  Jaws- 
moral,  phy*ic«l,  physiological  ordinance* — the  infringement 
of  which  produces  >our  Jokkses.  Some  »uoh  "Young 
Troubleaomea."  perhap*,  can  be  reclaimed  by  do  means, 
fair  or  foul;  but  an  early  trial  of  the  former  miglit^  ia 
many  instances,  possibly  prevent  recourse  to  tlie  latter. 
It  is  curious  that  the  last.  oEfenoe  of  Master  Jokes  con- 
sisted in  atraling  books.  For  this  he  has  been  n^ntenced  to 
til  months'  imprisonment  and  hard  labour.  The  B*ate  of 
edncational  dentituiion  among  the  JovEs-cIass  considered, 
there  was  such  clever  satire  in  the  iheft,  that  for  this  once 
he  almost  deserved  to  be  let  off. 


A  CRY  FROM  ST.  PAUL'S. 

We  bare  gretit  pleasure  in  giving  utieranoe  to  a  Cry  from 
St.  PadIS  Churchyard.  The  criers  desire  to  express  their 
concurrence  in  an  agitation  now  going  on  in  their  neigh- 
boorhood  for  the  removal  of  the  railing  in  front  of  ttio 
cathedral.  They  say  tliat  this  railing  spoils  the  view  of 
the  chnrch,  is  an  injury  to  the  fame  of  Wren,  an  impedi> 
ment  to  ciroalation,  often  occasioniiii?  accidents,  and  such 
a  perfect  eyesore  as  frequeotlv  to  give  foreigners  opbthal- 
mia.  Tdey  perfectly  agree  with  tho  Obttrver^  alluaing  to 
the  locality  of  St..  Paul's,  that— 


Cahlvi.k. 


On  return  frnm  the  Vernon  Gallery. 

On  outtinsr  Mh.  Hudson  (having  before  been  band  and' hoof  rvhli-the 


Ooldeu  Calf)  in  the  Bouse  of  Contmons. 


THE  WEAKNESS  OF  THE  WHIP,  AND  A  SATmiCAIi  TOUNG 

ROGUE. 

TiirRsarellioee-vbo  btOievelhat  the  most  judicious  treatmebt  bf  the  human 
*' Donkey  wt»t  won't  go"  in  the  right  direction  is,  really,  to  '*  wallop"  him.  How 
little  it  IS 'fraaiblc  to  reform  cnminals  by  the  lash— how  impraoticable  to  "whip 
the  offending  Adam  out  of  them,"  might  be  proved  by  nuTnerous  Chronicles  of  the 
Cat,  and  StaUatics  of  the  Scourge,  malting  a  large  uile  of  Bbck-and-Bluo  Books. 
In  the  meanwhile,  here  is  one  case  in  point,  commended  to  tbe  consideration  of  the 
sect  of  penal  "  FUgellaots."  At  tbe  Middlesex  Sessions,  one  day  last  work,  as  tbe 
Time§  relates,^ 

**TaoMAi><«iciv^»HUl*Udortb«aaaof  IS,  wu  ooDrictsd  of  having  sislan  93  bsolu  of  ibe  value 
ofU.'ii.,tfa»|kaipettf  ol«(iTOtloniaBnBBed  TsnMAS  JovM. 

"Th«  iMraM  4v4^  uid  ho  would  iMd  the  history  of  th«  priMner  for  the  tut  yrAT.  uid  bom  oa« 
prlioo  oBlf.  ^>n  th«  17th  of  F»hnivy,  1849,  the  bor  iru  'nmaiarUy'  ennTietwl  In  tho  itun«  of 
Amdkvw  MiTDinn.t.Hi4  wma  antcmaed  to  one  month  a  ImprUonmcDt ;  on  Uw  90Ch  nf  Mardi,  threa 
dk^s  ^Ur  ha  had  Mtn  UbemtM)  ixnly,  hi*  vu  Af^itla  'Aumtnarlljr'  oonvletfd  In  the  n&nio  nf  JoHV 
WiLUAm.  «b>n  ha  wi«  tfuiteaeed  ia\tA*j^  lmprlM>ninral ;  on  the  Ut  of  Juno  he  was  a  third  tima 
'KiuDiurlly'  oenriaiad,  and  amevAeil  la  M  dayn'  Impiiaonmnit,  and  to  b«  w«ll  whipped -^o  ihU 
oocoirlon  hahad  rceiuuod  hU  own  vjhim;  «a  0m  md  of  Anguat  be  na  a  Ibvrth  tlaie  'ainDnarllT* 
eonrictrd  and  oetttAnceil  to  one  month,  and  lo  ho  wall  whipped;  and,  on  the  13th  of  Norembar,  be 
waM  a  flfih  tlma  *  tuminahly '  ooovlctad,  vhen  he  had  been  aantancod  lo  six  wwlu'  UaprtaonmaDt,  and 
oBuihor  whlppiai."  , 

The  ursine  attempt  to  lick  a  cub  into  shape  has  signally  failed  in  the  case  of 
MasTia  Jo.NBS.     But  the  whip  is  a  superflciai  corrective :  it  seldom  touches  oiore 


"  At  preaent  ftara  can  b«  ba  ija^atlAD  that  this  part  of  Londan  ia  a 
dtsgraM  to  lb«  MitnpoUs." 

There  is,  however,  they  contend,  a  certain  metropolitan 
body,  to  which  this  pnxt  of  London  is  particularly  dis- 
graceful ;  and  shameful  as  they  consider  it  that  the  exterior 
of  St.  Paul's  abouM  be  shut  out,  they  think  it  much  more 
scandalous  that  the  Interior  should  be  excluded  from  tho 
public  view.  They  demand  the  removal  of  tbe  twopenny 
obstruolion,  by  which  the  Dean  and  Chapteb  binder  the 
poor  people  from  entering  tbe  church.  They  remark  that 
twopence  is  a  Urge  sum  in  proportion  to  manv  a  working 
man's  wages,  and  equivalent  to  a  loaf  of  considerable  size, 
iwhich  the  workman  and  UiB  family  cannot  spare  for  the 
Uban  and  Chapter.  They  own  that  in  making  these 
obvenratioDs  they  are  ringing  changes  on  one  theme,  but 
deolare  that  they  feel  them^-lves  justified  in  so  doing  as 
long  as  Mes&bi).  Dean  and  Co.'a  money-changers  continue 
to  nng  ihcirs  in  the  temple. 

Finally,  they  propose  that  the  St.  Faurs  railings  and 
thurch-niail  should  be  abolished  together,  and  that  the  old 
irons  shuuld  be  appropriated  for  sale  by  the  reverend 
showmen  as  an  indenimfication  for  the  resigned  coppers. 
This  Cry  from  St.  Paul's  Churchyard  emanates  from  the 
stones  that-  nave  it,  wbich  represent  themselves  as  having 
been  oonipelled  to  cry  out  by  tbe  protracted  enormity 
of  the  twopenny  cathednl  impoailioa. 


THR   OXFORD  STEEPLE-CTTASB. 


The  Oxford  Correspondent  of  the  ^foninff  Post  sfatei 
that  measures  have  been  taken  by  the  Vioe-Chancellor  and 
heads  ot  houses,  to  prevent  "the  practioft  of  riding  in 
races  conninoiily  known  as  steeple-cnases."  which  has  of 
late  "  prevailed  to  a  great  extent  among  some  of  the  junior 
men.bcrs  of  the  University."  Stecple-cha*ing,  we  believe, 
is  not  uncommon  among  senior  members  cf  the  University, 
who  clear  scruples  and  go  over  diificulura  in  fine  style, 
when  there  is  a  shovel  hat  or  a  mitre  at  the  goal. 


4 
4 


A  TLAT   OOMTBADICTIOir   TO  AK  OLD   FHOVERB. 

There  is  a  mnsty  old  proverb  which  says,  "  Every  road 
leads  lo  Rome."  This  is  not  the  case  «itb  the  Pope  at 
all  events,  for  with  him  every  road  leads  to  every  other 
place  but  Rome. 


-¥^ 


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WHO'S  DAT  KNOCKING  AT  DE  DOOR?" 

TiTE  Old  Sokg.  as  Svvq  bt  Old  Jos  (Hume)  okc3.  at  least,  evebt  Sesmok. 


I  RAD  jim  come  down,  with  my  r^ibjcct  w«mi, 
And  my  annual  motion  about  Reform ; 
1  went  to  the  IlouftC— I  might  u  well  havc^onc  to  bed, 
For  Lord  Joum  Ktmrll  got  up  and  mid* 

Wlio  'i  dx\  knocking  at  dr  diKir  ? 

Am  tlat  V01I  FKiKovi  ?     No,  it  am  Jot ! 

What  OM  JoK  ?  Ye4,  Old  Jor.   Oh,  onlv  old  Jm  ! 

Well,  Tou  can't  come  in — to  you  'd  better  go  ; 

For  it '»  no  ato  knocking  at  dc  door  any  more. 

And  Et  *i  BO  TiK  knocking  at  de  door. 


Wbo  '■  dat  knocking  at  dc  door. 

Making  lucb  a  row,  with  w  mucb  ofliU  jaw! 

1  Ml  call  tho  Speaker,  and  tell  htm  how 

Yon  only  want  to  kick  up  a  row. 
'Wlio'tt  dat  knocking  at  de  door? 
Who's  dat  knocking  at  dc  door? 
Am  dat  jou,  CoBDrn  ?      No,  it  am  Joc 
What!  Old  Job?     Yc*;  Old  Jof.. 
I  told  50U  before  tbat  it  *t  ttill  do  go. 
And  it'a  do  um  knocking  at  de  door. 


Dnt  they  *n  c^n  the  door  and  let  him  \n. 

If  in  ibcir  ean  he  contiuiiea  bii  din. 

Forward  came  Punch — and  taid,  ••  Follow  me; 

When  1  Uke  the  lead  let  In  70U  '11  be. 
If  they  know  I  *m  knocking  at  de  door; 
When  they  know  1  'in  knocking  at  de  door.** 
Am  dst  you  Joa  ?     No,  it  am  I*\nnch  ; 
They  '11  »ooo  make  way  for  hU  »ufr  and  banch ! 
You  needn't  ttand  knocking  at  de  door  any  more-^ 
Tbcrall  be  do  more  knockiog  at  de  Aon. 


I 


£l^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAIIL 


107 


PUNCH'S      POLICE 


A   TEST   KELAJICilOLT  CABE. 


• 


YEaTEiiDAT  ft  gentleman  of  the  Dame  of  Thomas  Carltlb  was 
brouptit  before  Mr.  Ptmck^  charged  with  being  unable  to  take  care  of 
Ilia  own  iiterarj  reputalion— a  very  first-rate  reputation  until  a  few 
months  jkast— but  now,  in  consequenoe  of  the  reckless  and  alarming 
conduct  of  the  accused,  in  a  most  dangerous  condition ;  indeed,  in  the 
oi^ion  of  very  competent  ftutborilies,  fast  abking.  . 

Tlieofiice  wma  crowded  by  manj  diatingiiisbed  persons,  all  of  Ibem 
mamfesiing  the  most  tender  anxiety  towards  the  accused ;  wbo,  how- 
eTcr,  did  not  seem  to  feel  tbe  seriousneaa  of  bis  situation ;  but,  on  the 
contrary,  viih  folded  arms  and  determined  eocpression  of  visaf^e,  called 
the  woLthy  magistrate  {Mr.  PuncA)  a  "  windbag,"  a  "  serf  of  flunkey- 
dom,"  and  "  an  ape  of  the  Bead  Sea." 

JoDN  TCoKia,  a  policeman  with  a  literary  turn,  proved  that  he  bad 
long  known  the  doings  of  the  accused.  Witness  first  became  acquainted 
with  him  through  his  "  Lifa  (/  Schiiier"  a  work  done  in  the  vary  best 
and  decenlest  manner,  in  which  no  oneuce  whatever  wm  comodtted 
against  the  people's  English;  for  he,  John  Nokes,  had  no  idcttith&t 
Enichsh  sbouhl  be  calledeither  "king's  "or  "quem'iC^'  but  eaiphati- 
calfy  "the people's  EnKliaii."  Had  since  known  the  accused  through 
**Sariat  RamimJ"  "  Tko  French  JUvoiutioH,"  ''  Ftni  and  rrvmtt,"  and 
"  Olitier  Oromweil"  From  time  to  time,  as  he  went  on,  witness  liftd 
marked  wiih  oonsiderahle  anxiety,  an  increasing  wiidneaa,  a.  daring 
eccentricity  of  manner  in  the  doings  of  the  bocusod,  fret^aently  obsoii^ 
ing  that  he  delighted  to  crack  and  di&locatt;  the  joints  ct  langiiBflMiid 
to  melt  down  and  alloy  sterling  English  iulo  nothing  bettarrtnan 
German  silfer.  Nevertneless^  witness  did  not  beiieve  the- repfttation 
of  the  Bocuaed  in  any  positive  danger,  until  «ome<^tiLre«>  oc  four 
months  back,  when  he  detected  him  running  witdlyyup.  and*  down 
tbe  pages  of  " Fraxar's  Magean§^'  pelting  aU..  sorta.oL^  gibberish 
at  the  heads  of  Jamaica  xiggan — fantastioslly  repToachteg r t hem  for 
being  "  up  to  the  ears,  content  in.  pumpkins,  when  iboy  sbouldi 
work  for  sugai  and  spices"  for  thetr  vhitc  ruaaterv — threatening 
thera  wiih.  the>  whip,  and^  in  a  word,  dealinz  in  lansnaga  only  dear 
to  the  heart— witness  meant  ix)ckets— of  Yankee  sWve-ownera  and 
Braadian  planters.  Sinoe  tiien,  witness  had  named  lits  suspicions  to 
sevefal  mnit  rn^ortihlr  puhiisheca.  warning  them  to  have  an  eye  upon 
the  offeadex. 

Pbtbk  WtLUAMB,  teaoho  at  the  Lamh*and-Flag  Kagged  School, 
deposed  that  he  had  purchased  two  numbers  of  a  work  by  tbe  accused, 
caUed  "  LaUer^lkm-PampMett"  The  first,  number  appeared  to  him 
(witness^  to  develope  rabid  s^'mptoun,^ — but  in  the  second,  in  Modal 
iVtiaw  there  was  nothiDg  in  i%  but  barking  and  froth.  (Here  Bevenl 
pasaages  were  read  that  fully  bore  out  the  opiuion  of  tbe  witness i  pas- 
sages which  created  a  melancholy  sensation  in  court,  many  pcnons 
sighinic  ^c^Yt  and  in  more  than  one  instance  dropping  "  some  natural 
tears."] — Witness  did  not  believe  it  consist'ent  with  public  safety  that, 
in  his  present  temper,  the  accused  shoold  be  trusted  with  pen-aad-iuk. 
If  permitted  the  use  of'  such  dangerous  wcapona  he  would — untU 
recovered  from  his  present  indisposition — inevitably  infiiot  upon  his 
repotatioa  a  mischief  from  which  it  could  not  recover.  As  it  was, 
witOMi  eoMidared  it;  far  from  aafe. 

Mr.  ^uaek  asked  the  accoaed,  if  he  bad  anything  to  say ;  whereupon 
locosed,  with  a  withering  smile,  re^Jied — 

" Pretematuial  Eternal  Oceans'' — "Inhuman  Humanitarians"  — 
" Eiderdown  PhiUn' hropy  "  — *' 'Wide-reTcrbcra^ing  Cant."  —  "  Work 
Sans  Holidn" — "  Three  Cheers  more,  and  EreruMl,  luimit&blci  and 
ABtipodeaa  Fraienitv  ** — "  Pumpkindom,  Elunke^  dom,  FooUoapdom. 
aodPcB-and'lakidom.l " 

iM*.  PuncA  observed,  this  was  a  meUncbolv  case.  Ue  could  not 
release  the  aocoaad,  unless  upon  good  and  sumcient  surety.  Where- 
upcn  two  gentlemen— publishers  of  the  first  respectability— declared 
themsehcv  willing  to  be  bound,' that  aceused  should  jiot,  until  in  a 
more  beallbful  fivme  of  mind,  be  allowed  the  use  of  paper  and 
gooaequillfi. 

It  is  believed  that  if  aocuicd  again  offend,  tbe  whole  body  of  pub- 
lishers will  insist  upon  Ida  oompulsory  silence.  Let  us,  however,  hope 
better  thing*. 


'  The  Qnaia&tine  Lavv«r 

Wk  understand  that  a  Quarantine  is  to  be  entablisbed  with  reference 
to  all  Steam  Boats  nnining  between  Ijocdon  Bridge  and  Batteisea,  in 
consequence  of  chilblains  having  broken  out  in  the  latter  locaii^. 
There  have  been  a  few  cases  of  corns  in  PimJioo,  but  as  the  gcsater  part 
of  the  distriot  is  inland,  it  is  not  proppaed  to  interfere,  as  yet,  wirii  the 
naiigatioD  between  VauxhaU  and  Westminster.  Battersea  haa  been 
praiented  wirh  a  clean  bill  of  health  in  reference  to  the  bunioos,  which 
a  month  ago  had  ravatred  tbe  neiahbourhood. 


KOOKS  AND  CXDRNERS  OF  CHABACTEIL 

TH£  BACHKLOR-UUSDAND. 

Bachelor-Husband,  we 
mean  a  husband  who 
ia  made  a  tuiohelor  pro 
tern,  by  tbe  absence  of 
his  wife. 

Of  courw  such  a 
kind  of  life  bus  its  little 
enviable  privileges  aud 
advanta^ ;  but  then 
it  has  Its  drawbacks 
and  annoyances,  for 
which  no  fiecUom  can 
rniiiprnsate.  It  Ja  frec- 
iiu;n  Kiivieslavrry. 

il  lislidudaure  al  wnys 
rnnns;  about  the  bliss 
of  geitm?  n^ny  frotn 
tttau-  V  M 

creiit  lire ! 

'ihey  whin- 

ing iiu  _  .  ....  c  them 
back  agaia. 

Tbe  BaohRlnr-Hus- 
baod  is  a  melancholy 
pioof  of  this.  Uis  wiie 
ntagooc  on  n  vihit.  to 
her  I'S^ift,  or  some  rich 
rebitioniuti^"  ,^,.,ti,iry, 
from  whui'  >> 

graaii      1} 
Shefis  not  to  tebura 
'  for  Hi  fortnighU     Ihe 

OdeaBjIUbb^r'iitleft  a^one— not 'altogether  oat  of  Jove  vmh:  the 
tlionBhbbf>t}anir3'atorBd  to  Jibrrfy. 

AAdtff^/tlie  vrry  tirst  dny^  ithit  a  hefp!eiaMcreatilre  he  is !  lie  is 
lo^tite  uncontrolled  master  ot  the  hou&e^  and  doesn't  know  where  a 
tingle  thing  is  kept.  If  he  vmts  anytliinK.  he  has  to  get  up  and 
I  search  for  it  himself,  and  even  then  there  is  but  a  small  cbanoe  of  hia 
'  finding  it.  i*'or  he  doesn't  know  one  key  from  another.  And  he  triea 
I  them  all ;  but,  as  a  matter  of  course,  the  very  key  that  is  wanted  ia 
j  miuing. 

The  first  day  he  meets  some  friends.  He  tella  them  with  a  trium- 
phant chuckle,  that  ho  is  a  bachelor*  and  they  must  come  homo  and 
dice  with  him. 

What  a  dinner!    Probably  it  has  not  been  ordered.    How  vary, 
foolish  !     He  quite  forgo;  that  he  has  to  go  to  (he  butoher's,  and  th«. 
poulterer's,  and  ^rreen grocer's,  every  day  himself  now.  or,  if  the  dinner 
j  lias   been  ordered,   it  is  sure  to  be  some  ruigar  dish  which  he  iai 
I  ashamed  to  nee  put  upon  tbe  table,  or  else  it  tunu  ouc*  to  be  the  very  i 
joint  which  he  never  touches,  for  tbe  cook  docs  nolknoir  all  his  whiman 
I  and  faiK:ios,  his  choice  aversions  and  preferences,  as  hia  wife  does. 
{     Then  again,  the-beer  was  "  out  '*  yesterday, and  a  freah  barrel  has  not  t 
been  ordered  in.    There  is  a  pause  of  t«n  mmutea,  therefore,  to  enabled 
I  ihe  cook  to  rum  out  to  theAdam  and.  Kve  for  a  pint  of  the  best  ale. 
I  When  the  brsl  is  brought,  no  one  oin  drink  it. 

1     He  is  profuse  in  his  apologies  to  bis  dear  friends,  who  assure  him  that 
I  it  does  not,  in  the  leaab  mat^r.  buU  as  they  leave,  it  is  evident,  from 
their  blank  faces,  that,  they  have  turned  down  a  page  in  the  volume  ol! 
their  experience,  as  a  privAte  memorandum,  never  to  tnutto  the  teadir 
hoapit^thry  of  a  ibichrlor' Husband  again. 

Poor  Bachelor !  Hs  is  crawlmff  up  to  bed,  like  a  melancholy  snail,. 
iust  beRinuiug  to  feel  the  weight  o(  lite  house  he  has  oevly  sot  upoa. 
I  tiis  back,  when  suddenlv  he  reooUeots  he  gave  permission  to  the  Nurse 
I  to  psss  the  evening  with  her  mother  at  Pentonville,  and  that  she  has  not 
yet  come  io.  He  has  raked  the  6re  out  in  the  parlour,  aud  so  he  is  obliged 
'  to  go  down  into  the  kiicben,  where  hesita,  lisUsing  to  the  tick-tick-tick 
[  of  tbe  kitchen  clock,  aud  amusing  himself  now  and  then  with  a  grand 
I  6aiiue  of  hUok'boetlei.  till  i>afit  one  o'clock  in  the  morning,  when  tbe 
I  mddest  riug.at  the  bell  proolauna  Nurse's  return. 

His  troubles  begin  the  firstlhingtbe  next  morning.    He  cannot  geti 

I  the  aervants  out  of  bed.    Then  ho  has  to  ring  separately  for  every 

'  antiole  be  wants.  The  servanta'  behavionx  alfogether  is  changed  to  what 

it  is  when  Miosis  is  at  home.  They  seem  to  be  aware  of  his  helptesaaesa, 

and  do  as  little  as  they  can  to  relieve  it. 

When  tie  Koea  down  stairs,  tbe  room  ia  searcely  dusted,  or  the  doaters 
are  lying  about*  and  he  nearly  sits  down  upon  the  boa  of  blaok-lead 
brushes  thav  has  been  left  in  bis  armTchair.  He  cannot  get  the  uta* 
and  has  (o  ring  for  tbe  loast>  and  cut  his  own  biead  aad  blitiar,  sod  aic 
the  neifspapcr  himself. 
Thpn  he  i^  f«*t<ivd  wih  appUoations  from  the  maid  for  towels,  oc 


i 


PUNCH.  Oil  THE  I/)NDON  CHARIVARI 


^ 


pMri*ftsh,  or  loap,  or  clean  sheets;  ud,  wone  ihwa  all,  bu  to  meet  that  aw-rul  enquiry  from  the 
cook,  "  Plewe  Sir,  what  will  you  have  for  dinEcr  lo-day  ?"  The  daily  enquiry  pertecutea  hinj 
to  UiAt  eiteat  that  at  last  be  ia  driven  away  from  his  bonie,  and  regularly  ilinea  out. 


loDg  any  boabaiid*!  raiTeriiiB  to  that  extant! 
—unlets  perchancB  they  [rare    him  in  \hm 

bands  of  a  warranted  mother-in-law. 


NOK-POLITICAL  AND  UN-FASHION- 
ABLE IIE-UNIONS. 

Thb  Master  of  one  of  the  Metropolitan 
Unions  bad  his  customary  Rc-Ujiion  in  the 
Workbouse  on  Saturday  Us^.  Gruel  was 
served  in  Uie  principal  apartmen^l  and  breads 
wen  laid  for  onn  hundred  acd  fif^y  gnesU. 
Tbe  accoai(<)isbed  Lady  of  tbe  Master  receired 
1  he  visitors  at  ihe  grand  ooppcr  as  they  en- 
tered, and  we  obierrtd  annrng  them  aerenl 
who  had  recently  had  Ihe  Ordrr  of  tbe  Cold 
Katb  conferred  upon  them.  Several  alfraeo 
li»li  feasts  have  been  lately  given  in  vartous 
liar's  of  London,  nod  on  Saturday,  tbe  faahi- 
unoble  tveob^,  Ih're  is  held  at  Brorupton  a 
regulAr/cVi?  »/«  poUson*,  or  fancy  fair,  the 
slalis  at  whicb  are  uresided  over  by  some  of 
tbe  most  distinguished  females  of  the  neigb- 
bourtiood.  At  most  of  iheae  stalls  the  Whelk 
IS  the  "monster  of  the  deep"  most  in  re- 
gu-st  by  ibe  public,  who  may  generally  cal- 
culate on  a  hearty  Whrlkome. 


rL£ASB,  SU|  UTOAX  WILL  XOU  aA.V£  70&  DISK£A  lO-DAT  ? 


Moreover,  it  is  cheerless  dining  all  alone— sitfing  opposite  to  liis  wife's  empty  chsir— not  a 
person  to  take  wine  or  eicbange  a  word  with.  The  silence  grows  oppiessive,  and  any  cheap. 
saw-dust  dining  place,  wbere  there  ate  nothing  but  chops  and  steaks^ — excepting  steaks  una 
chops, — soon  becomes  preferable. 

Not  that  tbe  Bachelor-Husband  dires  moch  at  cheap  dinlnf?  placrs.  He  mns  tbrougb 
the  circle  of  his  friends  and  rf  lalions,  beginning?  with  his  friends  lir^it,  for  be  knows  lht*y  give  the 
best  dinners,  and  reserving  the  relations  for  the  Ust.  He  reciuirt-s  do  ii  vitation — for  tbe  Tact 
of  his  b  iiig  a  Bachelor,  throws  open  every  oining-room  door  to  him.  He  begins  to  stop  out 
late — associates  wilb  young  men — gets  into  a  habit  of  late  supper*,  and  iniokes  ii]Ce8fan>l> — f^^r 
a  cigar  is  one  of  those  recognised  privileges  which  tbe  Bacbelor -Husband  takes  behind  hia  wjfe's 
back,  which  be  would  never  dare  to  do  to  her  faoe. 

But  smoking,  even  in  his  own  parlour,  is  not  enough  to  mske  tbe  place  happy.  The  place  looks 
empty,  dreary,  and  no  wonder  he  comes  home  la^e,  for  it  ban  U  st  ^1  ailrAclioir,  all  comfort,  in 
Ilia  eyes.  It  is  a  house  for  liim.  but  no  lionie.  He  in  very  little  better  than  a  lodger— he  has 
merely  taken  a  sitting-room  and  bed-room  for  a  fortnight  in  his  wife's  n<an8ion  during  her  absence. 
He  leaves  the  fuat  thing  in  the  morning,  and  guea  borne  tbe  last  thing  at  niicht  to  seep. 

Everything  lo»es  the  bright  appearance  it  had  when  his  wile  was  on  tbe  spot  to  look  after  the 
house.  Tbe  drawing-room  stares  at  him  like  a  dingy  Lowtber  Bazaar  smothered  in  dusl.  Uuft 
teems  to  spread  iUeif  over  every  lit'le  thing,  and  the  servants  themselves  appear  as  if  they 
woid'l  be  all  the  bei'cr  for  a  good  dusting. 

The  Bachelor-Husband  is  an  outcast  in  bis  own  house.  He  hu  but  Utile  contiol  over  any 
one — and  pays  tbe  bills  that  are  put  before  him  without  a  question,  being  too  glad  to  get  rid 
of  tbe  nuisance  as  quick  as  poaaible.  Tbe  washing,  too.  wears  his  lie  on*.  Ail  hi^i  linen 
comes  home  wrong.  His  waistcoats  and  neck-bar.dkcrchicfs  are  washed  so  biliously  hr*  has  not 
the  face  to  wear  them.  The  strings  are  off  his  collais:  and,  as  for  B«cbrlor's  Buttons,  he  has 
not  a  shirt  wi'h  one  on.  He  docs  not  know  whom  to  ask  to  help  him.  He  compUins^  bu*  bis 
complaints  are  not  heeded,  and  if  he  has  a  cold,  be  is  obliged  to  Lurse  himself,  rcctiving  pity, 
consolation,  and  wa'ergruel,  from  no  bands  but  his  own. 

He  puts  bis  name  down  to  be  entered  at  some  West-End  Club  (a  Club  for  Bacbflor-Hushands, 
bv-llic-bye,  would  not  be  a  bad  move,  open  at  all  hours  to  all  Baclielor-Husbuids),  so  iba',  by 
fue  time  hia  wife  leaves  him  a  Bachelor  the  seoond  time,  be  may  have  some  table  of  re.uge  where 
be  can  eat  &  good  dinner  in  comfort,  and  invite  friends  to  come  and  cat  i'  wiih  him. 

Wives  should  beware  of  this,  and  should  never  stop  away  too  long, — but  should  rather  return 
ere  tbe  fortnight  has  elapsed,  before  thev  receive  a  tetter  iroplorit<g  them  to  come  home  a^ 
soon  as  posoible — for  when  i  bey  receive  that  ftfTertiooate  sumii>ons,  tl'cy  maybe  sure  that  the 
very  cliuiax  of  wretchednesi  bos  been  attained  by  that  po  r,  priable,  persecuted,  helples?, 
domestic  beanh-broken  individual,  whom  we  call  the  Bachelor-Husband.  Coumion  prudence, 
not  to  aay  coaipassion,  should  wfaiaper  to  ihtm  it  is  not  fair,  or  vortby  of  the  fair  »ex»  to  pro- 


TIME  OUT  OF  MIND. 

We  really  cannot  I  ell  what  hu  come  lately 
to  some  of  tbe  principal  Clocks  of  London. 
Siuoei  S^  Cieaient's  set  tbe  bad  example  of 
irregularity  some  four  or  five  yt&rs  ago,  there 
lias  been  a  »ort  of  epidemic  prevailing  among 
many  of  the  princip*!  tioie-pi^ces  of  the  Me* 
Uopoli".  A  iiionth  or  so  oack,  it  was  the 
lio>al  Exchange  that  showed  symptoms  of 
ill-timed  eccentricity,  and  now  we  regret  to 
hear  of  that  bighlj  -respected  member  of  the 
Horologicai  Society,  the  Asylum  Clock  in  tbe 
Westminster  lloaid,  having  turned  off  the 
whole  of  its  hai^ds  for  the  last  fortnight. 
The  absence  of  ibo  hands  cannot  be  the  result 
of  a  strike,  for  no  sinking  liaa  been  obaerved 
by  the  itihabitants. 

The  works  are,  of  course,  completely  stop/, 
and  the  supposition  is,  that  the  Clock  bad,  in 
a  moment  of  forget  fulness,  been  wound  up 
to  a  pitch  of  intensity  which  h.  s  proved  fatjil 
to  its  proper  equilibrium.  Whatever  may  be 
tbe  cause,  we  can  ouly  deplore  the  effeC, 
for  this  Clock,  whicb  seemed  aUays  to  have 
tbe  game  in  its  band9»  ia  at  present  without 
any  bands  whatever. 


A  HINT  TO  PUBLISHERS. 

There  is  in  Literature,  as  in  other  matters, 
a  great  deal  in  a  name,  and  no  sooner  does 
any  thing  successful  appear  in  auv  depart- 
ment, of  iiprculation,  than  a  series  of  nominal 
resemblatices  to  the  fortunate  achievement 
are  instantly  advertised.  We  recommend 
tbe  following  as  a  few  titles  for  books,  in- 
tended to  ft/llow  up  the  recent  new  work, 
called,  "Tdrkey  and  its  Destiny." 

*'  CAPON   AND   ITS   CAPABILITIES." 

"VEAL  AMI)   ITS   WOES." 

"mutton   and   its    CAPhBa." 

"caiCKBN    AND   ITS   FAINT-HKARTEDNE8S," 

"  GIN   AND   ITS   BITTBES." 

"curd   and   its   WHEVa.'* 


Brava!  Jenny  Lind! 
Jenny  Lind  was  offered  some  thirty  tbon- 
san  1  pounds  to  sing  at  tbe  Imperial  Ckjncerts 
at  the  Court  of  Uussia.  Jknnt's  ^ii^nilicant 
negative  to  tbe  offer  was  "Hungary."  (ireat 
is  the  triumph  of  genius,  when  the  night- 
ingale is  too  much  for  tbe  eagle. 


I 


PUNCH  THE  SAILOR'S  FRIEND. 

Pvwai  bu  alwaja  been  asimatfd  by  the  kindest  feelinfs  towardA 
U»  Briiifth  Seanwii— from  the  son  of  Neptcvs  taking  an  airing  in  tbc 
biek-yard  of  b  nan  of  wv,  to  the  gallant  tar  d&ncbg  hornpipes, 
fighting  oombatf,  and  wiping  his  "dear  eyes"  on  the  slage  of  a  minor 
Ihratre.  Fvnch,  however,  naa  not  been  blind  to  tboderecta  of  the 
nautical  chanoter,  including  ita  propenait;  to  iniproridence ;  its  ineanc 
delight  in  ridixif|;  on  the  roofs  of  cabs;  its  tendency  to  buUf  and 
bluster,  when  disfeipaliDg  on  shore;  and  indeed  "Jack,"  aa  every 
dmnken  sailor  chooses  to  rail  liiniBelf,  has  often  appeared  to  be  little 
better  iban  an  anlick^d  lea-cnb,  to  whom  the  process  of  licking  would 
be  in  more  senses  than  one,  a  benefit. 

Several  altempta  have  been  made  to  effect  the  social  (levation  of  the 
tar,  who  has  frequently  been  sat  »ipon  by  Parliamentary  Committees, 
firom  whom  reoonimendatious  haveiasned  over  and  over  ag-aia;  but  it 
nnfortunately  happens  that  no  Gorenimeiit  baa  yet  h&d  sufficient  pluck, 
energr,  or  ^ood  wiP,  to  act  on  the  recommendations  in  quealicn. 

The  L^islainre  baa  always  within  itself  a  ouanlity  of  obstructive 
force,  beiiides  the  natural  vwmtfr^'tr,  or  power  of  doing  nothing,  that  the 
bodr  contain?,  and  these  generslly  prove  lufitcient  to  impede  any  good 
worlc  that  is  not  urged  on  vigorously  from  without,  ana  taken  up  in- 
doors with  a  thorough  determination  to  accomplish  it.  The  present 
Administratiop,  ac'ing  tbrouRh  Mk.  LaBOUcnEKE,  the  President  of  the 
Board  of  Trade,  liad  prepared  a  mcaaoro  designed  to  improve  the  con- 
dition of  the  Merchant  Stamen,  whrn  straijthtway  the  regular 
obstructors  of  Parliiiment,  allying  themselves  with  a  self-interested 
class,  bare  gone  to  work  with  the  intention  of  preventing,  iX  possible, 
the  gocd  designed  by  the  Government  for  the  mrrcantile  navy.  One 
of  the  objects  of  the  measure  introduced  by  Mjl  Liabodche&b  is  to 
submit  the  masters  and  mates  of  merchant  ahipa  to  examinaiion,  with 
the  view  of  ascertaining  their  fitness ;  a  provision  opposed  by  the  sbip- 
owner*.  who  contend  that  they  ought  to  retain  the  right  of  appointing 
either  \\\r.  flf  or  unfit  to  the  oommand  of  their  vessels. 

if  it  could  be  said  of  a  naval  comn^ander,  as  of  a  poet,  neucitur  non  /tl^ 
there  night  be  some  ground  for  objecting  to  a  legislative  measure  for 
making  sure  of  his  titness.  Experience  has  shown  that  the  power, 
vhile  in  the  hands  of  the  shipowners,  has  been  grossly  misused,  and 
that  the  interest  of  the  seaman  baa  been  grosaiy  overlooked.  His  Life 
utder  the  old  system  has  been  anyllung  but  that  canvas-trowsered, 
polish-puniped,  ard  hornpipe- dancing  carorr,  which  in  our  infantine 
days  we  always  pictured  as  the  lot  of  the  British  sailor.  His  voyages 
have  not  been  that  delicions  intermixture  (f  grog  and  sentiraent,  that 
series  of  playful  allusiuns  to  tee-scuppers,  marlm  spikea  and  misens 
abich  we  once  attributed  to  him  as  the  staple  of  his  conversation,  and 
the  sole  lubieot  of  hie  anxietv.  Domineering  inefficient  officers  afloat, 
neglect  on  shore,  ard  want  ol  sympathy  almost  even  where — eioept  on 
the  stage  and  in  print— have  been  the  Munan's  fate  for  many  years,  and 
these  are  the  evila  which  the  Qovenment  measure  is  calculated  to 
remedy. 


SPCMIirS  -COMBINATIONS.' 


SpRTKO-«irB  B  ccme — the  sap  is  risinr-JENKiN.s  promises  to  be 
almost  himself  again.  Here  ia  »  njnple  from  the  Fosi  of  last  week. 
Jenkins  prophesies  upon  the  Q|Bm  prospecta  vi  1851,  and  thus  lays 
violent  parts  of  speech  upon  SiVB : — 

"  A  thriUInc  Mmm  ^  awmtaitmt^m/ttvaL  Us  oDBMBatfkaw  wblcb  affMn  lu  In  the 
fsmr  msnnnr  ■■  ilni  ■  fiunmsmliMftiiiiii  wlBiHiistj  wSih  i>»fciiii>i  i^'  n  iho^sand 
Jtov^rt  fctomtj  tMo  mt  odfmr.  iiiiiIm  wfcim  Jalhmw  —  «taNC,^faairiUi  tta  excess  of 
acstMj  which  Tibrmtcfl  ttiruugh  earwbolc  being." 


Jenkins  llirilled  wiih  a  sense  of  sweetness  of  a  bwmmt  night's  west 
wind  blending  a  thousand  flowers  into  one  oAmr — M  the  perfumers 
Bay.  eitrait  de  miiiejlfiirs—^nd  almoti  fainting  with  an  einws  of  ecitasy. 
Tibrating  through  his  whole  being,— Jenkins,  wc  ai^.  in  this  very 
interesting  situation^  ia  by  no  means  bad.  At  least,  to  begin  with. 
Proceed,  itMrnn ;  vibrate  and  prosper ! 


A  Half-Pint  Measora  of  Law  Be£on& 

Thb  principle  that  "every  little  helps"  is  bekjg  adapted  and  artcd 
upon  by  the  aulhoriiiea  in  inc  Court  of  Chanc-ry.  A  few  days  ago  a 
proceed-ng  was  postponed  before  one  of  the  Eouity  Judges,  in  order 
that  *'  all  the  partiea  m'ght  be  heard  at  once."  This  is  a  magnificent 
idea,  and  I  hough  it  runs  counter  to  the  old  Royal  rrgulalion  of  "one  at 
atime,^*  when  a  proTircial  Mayor  began  to  speak  smiul'aneonaly  with 
the  bT«)n)gof  an  adjacent  donkey,  we  are  confinoed  that  there  are 
many  lilfle  matters  in  Equit?  with  nferecce  to  which  "the  more  ihe 
merrier,"  as  far  aa  the  talking  of  Counsel  is  concerned,  is  the  best  nile 
lo  act  upon.  Though  n^oney  may  not  be  saved  by  the  arrangement, 
there  would  be  an  rconcmy  of  lime  in  letling  several  learned  gentlemen 
jom  in  making  a  long  f  peech,  a  atjong  speech,  and  a  speech  i3together. 


^THB  UDTAjrrAGE  ot  LODGnro  WDza  a.  xecbasical  OKXiua. 


DRAININQ  THE  MEXaOPOLIS. 

Tbe  iy««»  states  that  the  Metropoiilan  Commiasionera  of  Severf. 
'*  old  ard  new,  have  been  in  office  nearly  three  years,  and  have  spent  at 
least  £100,000  pounds  a  year  of  the  public  money."  For  this  experdi- 
tiire  cur  contem^rMy  eonplatna  that  there  is  nothing  to  show,  ard  adds, 
"Excepting  ineidentwiy,  vre  have  had  no  proclamation  or  rroogmtioa 
by  the  Commisaioners  of  any  great  principle  of  drainage,"  Nay ;  giva 
the  gentlemen  their  due.  Tbey  have  not  only  recognised  a  principle 
but  also  out  in  practice  a  system  of  drainaM  to  a  very  great  eitenK 
only  tbey  have  made  a  slight  mistake;  they liave  drained  ihe  City's 
resources  instead  of  i's  sewers.  It  does  notappear  that  any  "  sumpa'* 
have  been  provided  for  the  conservation  of  thfse  valuable  drainuigi. 
No ;  the  Commissioners  ooutented  themielTea  with  finding  an  outudl 
for  them  ;  and  tbe  drainings  have  simply  gone  to  the  deuce. 


Anticipations  of  the  Budget. 

All  ciasws  of  interests  are  of  course  desirous  of  getting  i  he  ben^v  \ 
f.f  any  recueton  of  duty  that  may  be  rendered  posaible  by  the  surpln^  > 
revenue ;  and  we  have  even  heard  it.  whispered  thai  a  nio'ion  wiQ  | 

made  m  he  House  of  Commons.  io  take  apart  of  the  duty  off  polioemfci? 
The  application  will  be  made  on  the  alleged  grouiui  of  ita  bcm&C^n.  v^ 
benefit  of  men  of  lettersL 


f 


no 


PUNCH, 


CAKLTLE  MADE  EAST. 

Ma.  FcNcu  differs  very  much  on  many  poiots  with  Mk.  Tbomas 
Caulylk;  nevenheleas  be  recommends  everybody  to  read  Me.  Cah- 
lti^e's  I>&tter  Day  Pamplilets,  because  lliere  certaioly  is  much  fun  in 
theui ;  for  they  afford  all  the  amuaemrnt  that  can  be  derived  from  the 
best  enirmas.  It  baa.  bovever,  struck  3lr.  Punch  that  for  the  benefit 
of  the  slow  of  compreneiision,  a  Carltlz  made  easy»  a  sort  of  Delphin 
CaRLTLE,  ought  to  be  published,  aomeihing  after  the  aubjoined  phtlern. 
ifr.  Punch  is  not  quite  confident  that  he  baa  rendered  Ma.  Caaltle  in 
every  resi)ccl  correctiy :  if  be  baa  not,  perhaps  Mr.  Cahlylb  will  point 
oat  the  mistake — proTiaed  that  he  is  perfectly  sure  that  he  understands 
his  own  meaning.  The  Author,  in  Pkmphlet  No.  1,  "The  Present 
Time,"  is  describing  the  "  New  Era,"  which  he  aupposca  to  have  just 
comfflc&ced :— 


I 

r 
I 


TIU   TEXT. 

"  A  terrible  neu>  country  Ibis : 
no  neighbours  in  it  yet  that  I  can 
lee^  but  irrational  uabby  monstera 
(^hilKnthmpic  and   other)  of   the 

Eiant  ipecies;  hysena*,  laughing 
ynnas, predatory  wolves;  probably 
devils^  blue  (or  perhaps  blue  and 
yellow) devils,  as  St.  Gtjtiilac found 
in  CroyUnd  longago.  A  huge  un- 
trodden, bagg&rd  country,  the  "cha- 
otic battlefield  of  Frost  and  Fire ; " 
a  country  of  savage  glaciers,  granite 
monntains.of  fouliungles,  unbewed 
foreits,  quaking  bogs :  which  we 
shall  have  oar  own  adoa  to  make 
arable  and  babiUble.  1  think  1 '' 


THB  aVNSB. 

"  Thia  is  a  novel,  alarming,  state 
of  things.  There  are  no  agents  but 
ourselves  at  work  in  it  that  I  can 
perceive,  except  irrational,  unsound 
preachersof  chimeras  (philanthropic 
and  other  deceivers)  of  great 
BOte ;  abusive  and  satirical  jour- 
nalisfft,  literary  wolves  that  prey 
on  the  public  morala :  probably 
certain  magazines  of  evil  tendency, 
blue,  or  perhaps  blue  and  yellow 
magazines  [coloured  like  the] 
devils  [which]  St.  Gutblac  founa 
in  Crovland  long  ago.  An  indefinite 
unexplored  dreary  state  of  thinzs. 
the  arena,  of  diametrically  opposed 
principles ;  an  age  of  frozen  rha- 
ritiea,  s'ubbom  prejudicca,  filthy 
mazes  of  immorality,  unreclaimed 
populations,  and  socml  bases  threat- 
ening to  give  way ;  astAteof  things 
whicQ  I  think  we  shall  have  suf- 
ficient work  of  our  own  to  render 
capable  of  improvement,  and  orderly 
enough  for  us  to  exist  under  it." 


Thrigs  in  the  Tunnel  continue  to  look  black,  and  at  the  meeting  ol 
propHrtors  a  few  durs  agn,  a  comparison  between  the  receipts  and  ex- 
penditure presented  ground  for  hope,  iuftamuch  as  iherp  is  always  play 
for  the  imajtinauon  when  nothioK  has  b' en  realised.  It  appears  that 
the  Directors  Ho  all  tliev  can  to  brighten  the  prospec'a  of  I  lie  concern, 
for  between  £700  and  £800  have  goue  in  the  year  for  gar,  which  makes 
the  Tunnel  light  though  it  makes  the  expenditure  heavy.  There  has 
been  a  falling  uff  iu  ihe  tolls  for  the  put  year,  but  this  deficisocy  is  of 
course  attributed  to  the  cliolera.  If  the  epidemic  has  been  oiherwiM 
unprofiUble,  i'  baa,  at  all  events,  acted  as  a  sort  of  general  ncoountant 

I  employed  in  balancing  all  matters  of  profit  and  loss,  which  oou!d  not 
be  very  well  explained  in  any  other  manner. 

1  One  of  the  Uems  of  receipt  is  as  usual  the  rent  of  stalls,  for  tliait 
continual  fat)cy  fair  which  is  perpetually  going  on  undergrnund,  in 
obediei^CQ  to  that  wonderful  law  of  nur  nature  whioh  teaches  u^  souie- 

I  times  to  delight  in  the  most   stAr:ling  contrasts,  and  hnA  led  to  tUe 

\  establishment  of  a  bazaar  iu  the  tunnel.  We  sliould  be  most  h<ippy  to 
offer  anything  hke  consolation  or  encouragement  to  t'<e  proprietors; 
but  truth  cunipels  us  to  say  that  we  utterly  despair  of  ever  seeing  tba 

'  concern  succeeit  in  keeping  itacU  above  water. 


The  Buins  of  Mineveh. 


It  appears  that  a  French  antiquarian  threatens  to  get  the  beet  of  our 
own  L^taud  at  Nineveh.     He  will — 

"  with  hU  much  tartrer  Aind  f£30,000  It  I0  stAted),  tnsterlallT  eocrmub  on  th«  harv«ft 
of  KnltqiililtR  wMrh  would  TbII  to  thn  lot  of  the  Engllih  Oktion  were  CirrAiv  LatjiAo'i 
eicrtioofi  lacked  by  luora  ample  tawDa." 

This  is  an  idle,  an  ignorant  complaint.  "When  John  Bull  is  made  to 
lo!>e  80  much  with  "ducks  nnd  drakes,"  how  can  be,  with  the  French, 
afford  to  play  at  "  marbles  ?  " 


A  Fact   for   the   Agrtculturiata. 

Wk  understand  that  one  of  the  farmers'  friends  in  the  House  of 
Commons  will  shortly  propose  a  return  to  Protection,  in  conartjuence 
of  the  ruinous  effect  produced  by  Free  Trade  upon  our  home  asricuUure, 
which  has  already  caused  the  introduction  in  the  year  1649  of  £40(XJ 
worth  of  French  i4wn»  into  this  country.  It  will  be  urged  with  the 
oaual  soundness  of  logic  and  accuracy  of  fact,  for  which  the  Protec- 
tionists are  remarkable,  that  if  foreitiu  lawns  are  already  coming  in  so 
fast,  foreign  fields  may  soon  be  expected  to  follow.  It  will  douhiless  be 
asked  bow  it  is  possible  for  the  laud  to  stand  against  such  conipetitlun, 
when,  not  simply  the  produce  from  abrond  is  imported,  but  when  French 
lawns,  and  why  not  French  pasture's,  on  a  s^ill  more  extensive  scale, 
are  aomitted  bodily  into  unhappy  England. 


DOWK  nr  raoNT. 


,  Wje  letm  from  the  papers  that  there  is  a  movement  getting  np  in  the 
dty.  with  the  view  of  doing  away  with  the  iron  railing  round  St.  Paul's 
Cathedral.  This  may  be  all  very  well,  but  we  give  due  notice  to  the 
parliea  interested,  that,  though  the  iron  railing  may  be  abolished,  until 
the  iwopenny-sbow  pnnciple  of  charging  lor  admission  has  been  got 
rid  of,  our  irony  and  our  railing  will  never  be  removed  from  St.  Paul's. 


PLOUGOIVO   BT   STZAV. 


We  perceive  that  steam  hu  been  applied  to  the  processof  ploughing. 
If  the  larmen  are  really,  as  tbey  allege,  in  terrible  hot  water,  we  think 
they  cannot  do  better  than  torn  the  hot  water  to  account,  by  uiing  tbe 
Btcam  for  fanning  purposes. 


REASOV  rOR  WZABIKa  A  BBABD. 

Trers  is  a  Member  of  the  Peace  Society  who  has  not  shaved  now  for 
yearB^  and  the  reason  he  gives  for  his  beard,  which  ia  a  very  liandwme 
one,  la  this :  "  He  is  not  going  to  touch  a  razor,  leat  by  any  accident  he 
should  ba  lending  his  hand  to  tho  unnecessary  effusion  of  blood.'* 


We  wish  thai  Mr.  Cobden,  in  his  next  annual  motion  for  the  reduc- 
tion of  useless  expenditure,  would  oblige  us  by  introducing  a  few  wurds 
relative  to  the  useless  expenditure— of  time — which  we  have  so 
frequentlr  incurred  in  telling  Correapondeuts  that  they  must  take 
copies  01  their  communicaMona  before  they  consign  them  to  PumcA's 
let.ier-box.  Members  of  the  House  of  Commons  may  move  for  uhat 
returns  they  please,  but  amongst  such  returns,  no  return  of  any  *tr"iclc 
sent  to  us  can  be  mclu-led.  Copying  machines  may  be  had  from  I  wo 
guineas  upwards,  and  surely  such  a  trilling  invest  ment  as  this  caq  be 
of  no  n»oment  at  such  a  ruonienlous  crisis,  as  the  sittmg  down  to  write 
to PutuA  a comoianicatioD  of  any  iciad  whaever. 


Quick  Setunu  and  no  Profits. 

Mil,  Hudson  has  re-appeared  "  in  his  place"  (where  we  should  have  I 
ihouaht  he  would  have  been  somewbat  "out;of  his  place  ")  in  the  House  | 
j  of  Commons.     We  are  not  aware  whether  the  ex-Kailway-King  ia  sup.  I 
plied  wilh  a  motto  for  his  armorial  bcarirg-,  whatever  they  may  b#»,  bat 
if  rot^  we  would  augjt'st  to  him  as  apnropria*e  to  his  re-apnearance  in 
Parliament,  the  well  known  phrase  of  "  Cut  and  come  again." 


TO  rORRESPONDKNTS. 


Olc* 


br  Wniiu  Br«4VvT.  •'Ntf  IL  Dp9«vWoMf«.»iiai,Uth»  PvMorSt  PM(nA.M4 


rra««teiiil«ii«u  S'ut.«riiD.;,cki. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


lU 


8IBTH0RP*3  WANT  OF  CONFIDBNCB. 

Tki  gtlUnt  Colonel  SistnoKF  ought  to  be  the  most  baslifal 
member  thAt  the  Honse  of  Commons  contains,  for  be  is  totally  doToid 
of  oonfidenoe.  He  takes  every  opportunity  of  declaring  his  total 
diftrnat  of  everybody  and  everything  parliamentarr ;  a  slate  of  mind 
which  is  perpetually  prompting  bim  to  take  up  his  hat  and  rush  out  of 
the  house,  for  the  purpose,  as  ho  alwsys  declares,  of  getting  out  of  an 
atmoiphere  of  humbug  and  roguery.  We  should  not  be  surprised  at 
his  puttini;  on  the  psper  a  noiice  of  motion  in  something  like  the 
following  form :— '*  Colonel  Sibtuobi'  to  move  for  n  call  of  the  boose, 
for  the  purpose  of  taking  into  consideration  his  confidence  in  nothing 
and  nobody^  imd  after  haviug  taken  up  his  bat  to  ask  for  a  committee 
to  sit  upon  it." 

Tlie  Dononrable  and  gallant  member  must  suffer  materially  from  this 
feeling  of  distrust  in  all  men  of  bII  parties,  for  it  must  be  exceedingly 
disagreeable  to  lire  in  one  continued  state  of  doubt  as  to  the  wbote 
wortd's  honesty.  The  Colonel  wears  out,  wc  understand,  at  least  half- 
a>dozen  velvet  naps  in  ihe  session,  by  ht^  constant  practice  of  bonuetting 
himself,  and  rushing  out  of  the  fiouse  with  a  sweeping  denunciation  of 
Whigs,  Tories,  Radicals,  Conservatives,  Peelitcs  and  Protectionists. 


THB  UKFILIAL  HANGMAN. 

hkij  week,  CaLCEiafT  the  hangman  was  summoned  for  refusing  to 
assist  m  the  support  of  his  mother.  Galcrapt  pleaded  poverty  in 
excuse  of  filial  neglect.  True,  it  was  shown  that  lus  regulsr  Newgate 
salary  was  one  guinea  per  week — nothing  t>eing  said  oT  the  proceeds 
of  hu  hempseea  harvest,  in  the  countn*.  Oai^cbaft  is,  moreover,  a 
shoemaker;  and  wss  taken  in  the  fact  of  wearing  a  shoemaker's  apron. 
Nevertheless,  Calcraft  declared  be  oould  not  and  would  not  pay  a 
tester  in  support  of  his  parent. 

Wo  are  sorry  for  this.  We  lament  the  bard-heartedness  of  the 
hangman.  Reflecting  upon  the  great  moral  uses  of  the  gallows— as 
averred  and  obampioued  by  defendants  of  the  halter— it  doee  appear  to 
us  as  singularly  unfortunate  that  CALcaaft.  the  great  teacher  nunself, 
should  bring  away  such  low  moralilj  from  that  great  public  school,  Ibe 
scaffold . 

The  report  further  states,  that 

"  A  ooMldsrabl*  degree  of  tntorcit  vu  Melted,  sad  Ibe  eovt  vts  beoavtulcntly 
crrowd«d  by  perMnu,  tmonnt  whom  wen  a  aamtier  of  «i!l-drai«d  wnam,  Hutioui  lo 
obUla  a  Bl{[lit  of  iho  deri'iutanC 

We  are  not  without  sympathy  evtti  fur  Jack  Ketch  ;  we  art  willing 
to  do  him  a  good  turn,  without  asking  him  for  another. 

Can  Mit.  Calcraft  make  nothing  out  of  the  "  considerable  degree 
of  interest  '*  which  is  excited  by  his  public  appearance  F  If  he  were  to 
give  an  "A.tHome,"  for  example,  woald  not  bis  exhibition-room  be 
mconvcnienily,  but  protitably  crowded  P  Try  it,  Calcrapt,  at  li.  a 
bead.  Wliat an  easy  way  of  getting  money !  You  hare  only  to  show 
yourself— though,  if  you  could  give  a  little  leoture  wixli  jUustrations,  so 
much  the  better,  of  course.  Uow  pleasaat  too!  With  a  nnaber  of 
well-dressed  women  anxious  to  obtain  a  sight  of  you  !  What  young  buck 
does  not  envy  you,  you  happy  dog  ? 

Br  the  way,  a  certain  la!e  patient  of  Ma.  CALcaAFT*s  was  remarkable 
for  dressing  well.  Perhaps  the  well-dressed  women  gloating  on  him 
at  Worship  Street  reminded  him  of  her.  Possibly  it  is  not  in  externals 
alone  that  the  ladies  who  could  revel  in  snch  contemplation  resembled 
Uaria  Mahkhto. 


SlBIUOaP    UAS   .fO  CONFIDEHCB   IM   aiTRKR    PaRTT. 


A  MATCH  FOR  HAYNAU. 

Tub  Timt$  tells  ms  that  there  were  "  21  persons  hanged  or  shot  by 
court-marfial,  and  73  fl^eged,"  ftccording  to  one  report,  "  irrespec'ively 
of  courts-mar'ial."  Where,  and  by  whom?  In  Hungary  again? 
Another  exploit  of  HitNAt's?  No,  indeed.  In  Cepnalonia,  by 
British  auihority,  as  shown  by  "  Sir  Krnbt  Ward's  own  statement," 
did  these  military  executions  Uke  place  1  he  c<ita  for  tbe  flogging  were 
"  expressly  supplied  for  the  purpose  by  Sir  Willum  Pabkbh's  flag- 
ship."  The  culprits  were,  it  is  said,  banditti,  but  pwliiical  tools.  Tbe 
population  of  Ceplialonia  is  stated  by  tbe  Titnes  as  70,000 :  the 
ntuuber  of  capital  executions  in  Hungary  to  bave  been  5>.  In  this 
hanging,  shooting,  and  whipping  match,  there  appears  to  be  a  "tie" 
between  Hatsiau  and  Lis  British  riv<il.  lu  Criihalonia,  21  victims 
must  be  considered  as  exceeding  54  in  Hungary ;  but  then,  against  his 
opponent,  Hatsau  scores  women.  Hatkau  is  perhaps  the  more 
thorough  whip,  but  it  is  a  question  wheiher  he  has  not  been  distanced 
by  our  own  countryman. 


A  Prize  Ministry. 


Coi/)KBL  SniTHORF  Complained  the  other  night,  in  the  House  of 
Gommons  that  ibe  Minisfcrswere  gctlingrauchtoofat — a  circumstance 
that  is  auito  compatible  with  their  having  no  lean-ing  towards  ibe 
fplUant  liember's  doctrines.  We  cnn  understand  the  Colonpt's  oh)ection 
to  the  fatness  of  the  members  of  the  Government,  fur  it  must  give  them 
additional  weight  in  the  country,  and  it  shows  also  tliat  they  are  made 
a  great  deal  of,  since  tbeir  bulk  is  becoming  remarkable-  We  don't 
object  to  their  being  double-bodied,  so  lon^as  they  are  not  double-faced, 
and  if  they  increase  so  much  in  size,  it  will  not  be  possible  for  political 
intriguers  to  get  round  them  very  easily. 


ANIMATED  LIKENESSES  OF  THE  LATE  LORD  ELDON. 

A  KTSTliKlOUS  8T0RT, 

It  is  well  observed  br  the  Bard  of  Avok  that  there  are  more  tbinga 
in  Heaven  and  Earth  than  are  dreamt  of  in  our  philosophy.  Among 
such  our  readers  will  probably  be  diiposed  to  include  the  following 
occurrences,  presuming  their  authenticity,  which  it  is  difTiciilt  to  doubL 
being  voucned  for  by  the  independent  testimony  of  various  eminent 
solicitors.  We  are  iuformed  by  a  great  number  of  legal  correspondents 
in  all  parts  of  tbe  kingdom,  that  the  most  curious  and  unaccountable 
phenomena  have,  for  some  time  past,  been  exhibited  by  tbe  portr«its 
and  busts  of  the  laic  Lord  Eldon,  which,  as  is  well  known,  are  the 
ornaments  of  most  lawyers'  offices.  The  portraits  of  the  sometime 
Lord  CbanccUor  of  England  have  been  observed  suddenly  to  turn 
themselves  to  the  wall ;  or  to  tumble  down  from  their  hangings  with- 
out; any  nssignabh  cause.  His  busts  hnve  all  at  once  appeared  to 
change  countenance,  and  assume  an  expression  of  weeping ;  a  habit  for 
which  the  original,  BUS  is  well  known,  was  remarkable  in  Ids  life-time. 
Supers' itious  minds  have  not  failed  to  connect  thcAO  siogular  circum- 
Bt«nces  with  the  nroduciion  of  the  Solicitor- General's  measures  fur  the 
reform  of  the  Irisn  Court  of  Chancery. 

Certain,  however,  it  is,  that  the  great  Equity  Lawyer  was  a  strenuous 
defender  of  what  are  now  considered  the  abiisra  of  the  Court  wbiob 
be  presided  over,  and  if  the  success  of  Sib  J.  Komtllt's  Irish  measure 
should  lead,  as  is  expected,  to  a  corresponding  Cnancery  reform  in 
finRland.  no  doubt  tbe  mysterious  events  inuuesttou  wilfat  least  bo 
regarded  in  the  light  of  "curious  coincidences.  — Prooineial  Paper. 


Every  Man  reven  a  GhermRn  Prince)  has  his  Price. 

Tub  Primce  07  Prussia  is  fired  at  in  bis  travelling  carriage,  and 
his  postillion  is  shot  through  the  leg.  The  Prince,  to  record  bis  gra- 
titude for  bis  narrow  escape,  awards  the  postillion  a  monthly  pension  of 
five  thalers.  We  must  say  we  do  not  consider  fiftern  tbiltings  a  month 
as  the  most  princely  pajTiient  in  the  world  for  saving  a  royal  life,— but 
probably  the  Prince  is  a  modest  man,  ami,  in  fixing  the  sum,  he  was 
arixion.s  not  to  :;ive  more  than  he  considered  himself  fairly  worth.  i( 
the  Prince  of  Prussia  is  ever  reduced  to  ieli  his  life,  we  arc  afraid  Lc 
will  not  make  much  by  the  transaction,  ancording  to  the  very  low 
estimate  he  has  put  upon  liimself.  Why,  it  isn't  live  shillings  a-week  1 
This  is  low,  indeed,  for  a  Crtncn  Prince  f 

Head-moxiy   Kffl   PiBATBft.  —  Payiiif  a  lawyer's-bill   in  postage 

stamps. 


Vou  xvin^idsti. 


-^^^  aE>^- 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


THE  GUARDSMAN'S  UNBIASSED  OPINION  UPON 
MR.  COBDEN. 

{Delieered  ui  ike  Ma*  aftm  Dinner,) 

snoiOD  liks  to  hare  tb« 
handling  of  him.  WonldnU 
I  Kiro  it  him  I    I  wouldn't 

?iirc  him,  I  can  tell  you  ! 
should  like  to  have  him 
for  my  flunk?  for  a  weeic, 
that'i  all— be  »bouldn't. 
forget  it  soon,  I  would 
wev  ten  pair  of  booU 
CTcry  day,  that  he  nn'jtbi 
have  tbe  bother  of  clean- 
ins  them.  What  can  he 
know  about  the  army  f 
Why  doeftn*t  he  come 
a-nonffst  ut  f  I  only  wish 
e  would.  Wouldn't  we 
give  it  him,  my  boya !  We 
would  show  him  a  new 
light  or  two,  and  send  bim 
home  in  a  wheelbarrovr. 
I  can't  help  laughing,  but 
I  think  1  know  of  a  plan 
that  would  sicken  bim. 
We  would  pxit  bim  next  to 
the  Major,  and  if  bis  old 
jokes  aidn'i  punish  him 
la  leu  (ban  naif  an  hour,  lie  is  lost  to  all  sen&e  of  feeling.  Nothing 
is  too  bad  for  that  fellow.  By  Jingo!  I  wouldn't  give  a  tin 
fixprnce  for  the  best  commission  in  ilic  service  if  he  vras  at  the 
bead  of  affairs  to-morrow.  I'd  sooner  buy  into  the  Police  Forc^,  and 
turn  officer  in  tlie  Blues,  than  wear  moustaches  under  such  a  man. 
It's  my  Hrm  opinion  he  wants  to  make  us  rise  from  the  ranks,  and  do 
away  with  commi»«ion8 altogether, — &  prctlysfa'eof  things  there  would 
he  then.  I  tliiuk  I  shall  sell  out  at  once,  for  I  've  no  idea  of  seeing  a 
Cotton  Lord  at  ihe  head  of  tbe  regiment,  and  of  taking  wine  with  a 
Colonel  after  be  had  been  choking  me  with  Devil's-dust.  If  I  had  my 
way,  1  would  pack  Mr.  Cobden  and  all  bis  gan^  out  of  the  country. 
He  is  a  dangerous  firebrand  that  must  be  extinguished,  or  he'll  be  burn- 
ing us  all  out  of  our  berths.  However,  he's  loo  ignorant,  luckilr,  t^  do 
much  harm,  and  if  ever  he  comes  across  my  path  I'll  double  him  up 
like  a  Qibus  bat,  in  no  time — and  then  I  will  carrj  bim  under  my  arm 
to  Almack'Sj  to  show  the  world  what  a  regular  flat  ho  ia.  So  much  for 
CoBDEX,  and  now,  oiy  boys,  I'm  any  man's  game  for  bhad-bookey, 
Uneqiienet^  or  a  throw  with  the  bones,  or  a  short  pipe,  or  anything  you 
please,  my  little  dears,  from  a  dog-fight  to  a  bowl  of  brandy-punch." 


NOOKS    AND    CORNERS   OF   CHARACTER. 


Splitting  the  Bifferenee. 

The  Morning  HeraU^  in  speakingof  M.  CiUNO'r  in  ita  p&perof  the 
I4lb,  calls  him  "a  Aaff  cynical,  Aj//'' uiysticd,  Aa^  Voltaiuian,  ha// 
JoHAN  Paul  Kuhtku  entbuHiaU.  We  always  considered  Carnot 
a  sort  of  incama'  ion  of  the  *'  entire  animal "  doctrine,  but  if  we  are  to 
believe  the  Herald,  he  is  one  of  the  most  half-and-half  of  republicans 
It  is  evident  that,  in  the  event  of  future  misconduct,  a  man  of  so 
mtny  halves  will  be  allowed  no  gnarter;  and  though  we  do  not  quite 
seethe  force  of  the  H^ald*$  arithmetic,  in  assigtiiDg  four  halves  to 
one  man,  still  on  the  principle  of  bis  being  a  man  beside  himself^  the 
anomaly  may  be  perhaps  accounted  for. 


Weights  and  Measures  for  the  Million. 

Oke  pound  of  chalk  makes  two  gallons  of  milk. 
Two  twigs  of  birch  broom— one  ounce  of  tea. 
Three  ounces  of  saad— half  a  pound  of  sugar. 
One  stick  of  Spanish  liquorice— two  pota  of  porter. 
Twen'y  noisy  Doya— one  infuriated  beadle. 
Su  friends  in  the  pit — one  bhue  of  triumph. 
Bight  Proteotioniet  facts — one  falsehood. 


SOUETHTNO   BETOND  A  JOKE. 

Makt  persons  involved  in  the  Railway  Mania  of  1$^  have  asked 
wliether  the  appHcan's  for  Shurc?,  and  Ihe  Directors  of  a  defunct 
Company,  are  in  tbe  same  position.  1'hcy  ccri«inlv  are  not,  the  differ- 
ence  being,  that,  while  the  Committee-men  are  ilUt-ea&e,  the  share- 
seekers  are  simply  aU-oit-ees,  which  makes  aU  the  difference. 


THE  MAN  WHO  STOPS  THE  BOTTLE. 

\t  you  notice,  there  is  sure  to  be  one  man  at  the  table  who  is  slwsyt 
stopping  the  bottle. 

This  man  has  pecnliaritiea  so  patent,  that  we  are  confident  there  ia  A 
race  of  men  who  are  born  BoTTLE-STorPERS. 

The  Bottli-Stopp£U  ia  generally  a  poor,  inanimate,  dull  creature, 
who  sitA,  scarcely  stirs,  and  nerer  speaks — or,  if  he  speaks,  he  stammers, 
unless  he  stutters,  when  he  is  sure  to  blush  double-crimson-deep.  He 
is  both  nervous  and  abient, — so  that,  if  he  is  recalled  to  bis  senses,  his 
nervousness,  upon  being  made  conscious  he  is  in  the  company  of  ladies 
and  gentlemen,  is  more  painful  to  witness  than  his  absence, — so,  of  the 
two,  it  ia  much  better  to  let  him  remain  absent. 

In  appearance  he  is  awkward,  and  cannoi  carve  without  throwinje 
something  off  the  diih.  lie  wears  a  white  neckcloth,  that  has  contracted 
a  ludicious  habit  of  twisUufr  round  his  neck. 

In  inteliisei  c%  bis  countenance  is  not  unlike  a  male  ballet-dancer')!, 
but  there  the  likeness  stops,  for  tbe  BonLE-STOPPEa  never  smiles,  or 
arins,  in  the  same  bewitching  manner  that  the  ballet-dancer  does,  when 
lie  is  pleased.  All  kind  of  animation  seems  to  have  absconded  from  bis 
pale  face  long  ^o.  He  looks  much  more  likely  to  cry  than  toUugb;  so. 
if  you  are  wise,  you  will  not  attempt  the  latter  for  fear  of  succeeoiog 
in  the  former. 

Let  the  convenation  be  ever  so  brisk,  he  never  appears  to  listen.  His 
thougbts,  if  he  has  any,  are  out  of  tbe  room.  The  jokes  may  fl.y  about 
in  alfdirections,  but  he  is  following  a  blue-boitle  along  the  ceiling,  or 
else  building  a  red-hot  castle  int.be  coals.  Heisonlyanakened  from  hts 
studies  by  a  powerful  entreaty  to  "  pass  the  bottle  \ "  when  he  rubs  his 
eyes  to  see  where  he  is. 

As  a  matter  of  course,  the  Bottle-Siopfeb  has  not  the  smallest 
taste  for  wine.  Ills  ignorance  in  this  rtrspect  is  something  con- 
remptible.  An  unmarried  lady  knows  more  of  champagne  than  lie  dors. 
The  youngest  man  of  the  party^  who  is  rubbing  up  forapairof  whiskers, 
can  tell  a  fine  plsss  of  port,  with  a  higher  knowledge  of  ils  goodness, 
than  he  can.  vVhen  asked  to  till  bis  glass,  be  helps  himself  to  ihebotiie 
thut  is  nearest  to  him,  without  any  reference  to  the  wine  be  has  been 
drmkini;  last.  Red  or  white — sparklin;?  or  still — Rhioe  wine  or  Vrcnch 
wine— it  is  all  Ihe  same  to  him.  If  it  was  table  beer — or  no  better  than 
SoTEES  Nec'ar — he  would  drink  it  all  the  same. 

As  the  Bottue-Stopper  never  says  a  word,  be  is  not  much  spoken 
to.  He  would  not  be  noticed  at  all,  if  it  were  not  for  his  unfortunate 
propensity  to  keep  the  bottle  constantly  by  his  side.  This  propensity 
only  elicits  a  playful  observation  at  first,  but  as  the  error  is  repeated 
every  (ime  the  bottle  travels  round,  he  is  sharply  called  to  order  by 
some  bald-headed,  elderly  gentlemau,  who  begs  of  him,  in  a  military 
voice,  to  "Look  a  iitiie  more  alive,  and  send  round  the  port."  These 
reprimands  grow  sharper  at  each  new  offence,  till  at  last  the  Bottli;- 
Stopper  is  happy  to  escape  the  moment  '*  coffee  "  is  announced,  leaving 
the  elderly  genilemau  and  his  portly  compeers  to  denounce  him  as  a 
"stupid  fellow/'  as  soon  as  bis  back  is  turned. 

He  is  not  more  lively  with  the  ladies  than  with  the  gentlemen.  He 
lakes  refuge  in  some  large  portfolio  of  prints,  and  diBappears  myste- 
riously during  souie  heavy  ordnance  pirce  of  music,  letting  himself 
quietly  out  of  the  street-door.  A  week  afterwards  he  leaves  his  card, 
find  is  never  seen  again. 

The  Bottle- Stopteb  is  simply  a  hand-and-fork  automaton  that  is 
invited  out  to  dinner.  He  is  as  little  moved  by  beautiful  music  as  he  is 
by  the  generous  influence  of  wine.  He  neither  sings  nor  dances,  and 
seems  to  exc-1  but  in  one  thing,  and  that  is  dreaniing.  The  wonder  is, 
he  ever  is  found  at  a  dinner-table  at  all,  for  he  is  neither  useful  nor 
ornamental,  and  the  general  apoloeryfor  stupidity  cannot  be  made  in  his 
favour,  for  be  is  not  even  rich.  The  secret  must  br,  that,  ha  is  invited 
at  the  last  minute  to  fill  up  the  gap  made  by  tbe  unavoidable  absence  of 
some  better  invita'ion. 

What  ihe  BottleStoppeb  may  be  in  private  life,  we  have  no  means 
of  knowing,  and  we  are  rather  glad  of  it.  But  we  can  imagine  him  to 
be  always  in  arrear  «i'h  his  rent,  never  to  eat  his  dinner  till  it  ia 
perfectly  cold,  to  be  plunged  in  the  darkest  ignorance  with  regard  to 
Dills,  insurances,  ana  all  commercial  transactions,  and  never  by  any 
accident  to  keep  an  appointment,  or  recollect  a  single  thing  lie  has 

Sromised.  He  is  the  sort  of  man  who  would  invitr*  twenty  persons  to 
inner,  and  then  forget  everything  about  i^,  "^Ve  cah  fancy  his  slnrting 
for  the  Derby  on  a  Thursday  nioruing,  or  if  there  was  an  eciipie  to-day, 
that  be  wonld  he  rushing  out  to  see  it  to-morrow.  After  all,  he  is  as 
harmless  as  be  is  simple ;  only,  as  a  general  rule,  we  should  say :  **  Kever 
sit  nest  to  the  BorrLE-SioprEa  at  dinner,  if  you  possibly  can 
avoid  it." 

P.S.  We  have  dined  at  many  hundred  tables,  and  have  known,  incur 
varied  "mahogany"  experience,  many  huudrcU  Uoitle  StorpLUS,  but 
we  must  say,  in  jostice  to  a  niucb-catuinuiated  coimtry,  tiiat  we  have 
never  met  with  an  Irishman  yet  who  was  a  BoTtLi-Sioppzal 


n 


4 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI, 


113 


MR.  FENIGAN'S  LAMENT. 

following  Poem,  upoD  an  erent  wliich  at  present 
occapies  much  of  the  public  attention  in  Ireland,  bai 
been  sent  to  us  by  a  gentleman  connected  with  the 
Knife  Board  of  Dublin  Castle : — 

0  Tm,  did  yoQ  hear  of  tbim  Saxoni, 
And  read  what  the  peepers  repoort  P 

They  're  goan  to  recal  the  Ltftinant, 

And  shut  up  the  Cutle  and  Ck>ort ! 
Our  desolate  countbry  of  Oireland. 

They're  hint,  the  blagyards,  to  desthroy, 
And  now  baring  niurdtherfd  our  countbry, 

They  're  goin  to  kill  the  Viceroy, 
Dear  boy ; 

'Twas  be  was  our  proide  and  our  joy ! 

And  will  we  no  longer  bebould  bin). 

Surrounding  his  carriage  in  througs, 
As  he  weaves  bis  cocked-bat  from  the  winuies, 

And  smiles  to  his  bould  aide  de-congs  ? 

1  likcsd  for  to  see  the  young  haroes, 

Ail  shoining  with  sthripes  and  with  atar^i 
A  horsing  about  in  the  Fnaynix, 
And  winking  the  girls  in  the  cyara. 

Like  Mails, 
A  smokin'  their  poipes  and  cigyars. 

Dear  Mitchell  exoiled  to  Bennudie?, 

Tour  bfautiful  oilids  you'll  ope, 
And  there  *11  be  an  abondance  of  croyin 

From  O'Bhine  at  the  Keep  of  Good  Hope, 
When  tiiey  read  of  this  news  in  the  peepers, 

Acra»  the  Atlantical  wave. 
That  the  last  of  tbe  Oirish  Liftininti 

Of  the  oishind  of  Seenta  has  tuck  lare. 
God  save 

The  Queen— she  should  betther  bebare. 

And  what  *a  to  become  of  poor  Dame  Stbiee*, 

And  who'll  ait  tbe  puffs  and  the  tarls. 
Whin  tbe  Coort  of  imparial  splindor 

From  Doblin's  sad  city  departs  ? 
And  who'll  have  the  Gddlers  and  pipers. 

When  ttie  deuce  of  a  Ciiort  there  remains ; 
And  where  'U  be  tbe  bucks  and  the  ladie!!. 

To  hire  the  Coort-shuits  and  tbe  thrains  ? 
In  stbrains. 

It  'a  thua  that  ould  Erin  complains  t 

There  'a  Cocnsellob  Flamaoam's  If  f  dy, 

'Twas  ahe  in  the  Coort  didn't  fail. 
And  she  wanted  a  plintv  of  popptin, 

For  her  dthress,  and  uer  fiounc,  and  her  fail ; 
8be  bouRht  it  of  Misthiuiss  O'Cradt, 

Eight  kbillings  a  yard  tablnet 
But  now  that  the  Coort  is  concluded, 

Tbe  dirvle  a  yard  will  she  get ; 
I  bet. 

Bedad,  that  she  wears  the  old  set. 

There's  Suboeom  O'Tooi.e  and  Miss  Leaey, 

They'd  daylings  at  Madam  O'liior.s' ; 
Eaoh  year  at  tbe  dth rawing- room  saysoo. 

They  mounted  the  neatest  of  wigs. 
When  Spring,  with  its  buds  and  its  dasiet. 

Gomes  out  in  ber  beauty  and  bloom, 
Thim  tu  '11  never  think  of  new  jasies. 

Because  there  is  no  dtbrawing-room, 
For  whom 

They  'd  choose  the  expence  to  athume. 

There's  ALDEEXiN  Toad  and  his  ImJr, 

'Twas  Ibey  gave  ths  Clart  acd  tbe  Poort, 
And  the  poine-apples,  turbotr.  and  lobsters. 

To  feast  the  Lord  Lifrinlnt  s  Coort. 
But  now  that  the  quality  *■  goin, 

I  wamt  that  the  aiting  will  stop, 
And  you  'It  get  at  the  Alderman's  leeblo 

Tbe  devil  a  bite  or  a  dtbrop. 
Or  chop, 

Aud  tbe  butcher  may  shut  up  his  shop. 


Yes,  the  grooms  and  the  nsbers  are  goin, 

AJid  his  Lordship,  the  dear  honest  man, 
And  tbe  Duobess,  Ins  eemiable  leedy. 

And  CcHRT,  the  bould  ConneUan, 
And  tittle  Loan  Htde  and  the  childthren. 

And  the  Cbewter  and  Governess  tu ; 
And  the  servants  are  packing  their  boxes,— 

Oh,  murtber,  but  what  shall  I  duo 
Without  you  ? 

O  Meeey,  with  oi's  of  tbe  blue ! 


RED-COAT  CONSTABLES. 

Mr.  Stahpord,  M.P.— Most  Profound— of  Reading,  opposes  reduo- 
tion  m  the  army ;  as  he  conceives  that  Manchester,  Rirmmgbaui,  and 
Liverpool,  have  especial  need  of  well-filled  barracks.  If  foreigu  laureU 
are  not  to  be  rathered,  there  may  be  a  good  home  crop  won  upon 
English  soil.  At  Liverpool,  for  instance,  there  is  tbe  Financial  Reform 
Association,  that  requires  milifary  watchfulness.  With  a  hundred 
pcn-knivca  wbetled  to  scra'ch  out  certain  items  in  tbe  civil  list,  such 
as  thousands  per  annum  for  Hereditary  Falconers  and  Masters  of 
Buckhounds,  we  must  have  bayonets  continually  fixed  to  overawe  and 
repress  the  revolutionary  movement. 

At  Biimingham,  there  is  Joseph  Stihige  wi(b  many  disciples, 
preaching  Universal  Peace,  advocating  pestilent  doctrines  that  will 
rcndrr  the  finest  parks  of  artillery  only  bo  much  old  iron ;— Joseph  and 
his  associates  alone  demand  the  vigilance  of  a  few  battalions. 

Then,  again,  there  is  the  great  Freehold  Movement.  Every  man 
treasoniibly  bent  upon  purchasing  fur  himself  as  much  earth  as  will 
grow  him  a  vole,  is  a  social  enemy— a  ha'er  of  the  franchise  as  it  is — 
and  reauires  at  least  a  couple  of  red-coats  to  have  an  eye  upon  turn. 
More '  let  us  consider  tbe  helpless  condition  of  the  judges  without  the 
aid  of  the  military:  "The  seotcDces  of  the  jadmcmld  not  be  put 
into  execution  merely  by  a  small  police  force."  Tbla  is  very  evident; 
most  manifest  from  tbe  msoy  abortive  atle[i:pts  lately  made  to  release 
felons  from  prison  vans,  and  io  CArry  off  murderers  even  from  the  very 
s^old:  attempts  only  frustrated  by  the  sudden  presence  of  the 
military  power,  that,  aword  in  band,  scattered  the  evil-doers. 

"  When  hoDounible  memben  4U(ifeilU)at(he[i«o|iI«  wflracallinKforrednetLoMlnour 
nUlUry  ««tal)UAbmeiitB,  )m  ulud  tbnti  what  Ibey  niout  by  *  the  pcoiOe  r '  I>fd  tbev 
Bffui  to  Inolodt,  Dttder  tb«  term,  plckpocketa,  thlitrm,  and  Uut  Imtfti  bodf .  7o  000  In 
the  natropoUs,  vho  wen  called  *  the  duiKoraoi  cUnee?'  Ifw^  tw  could  cmiItmcouuI 
tor  ihe  demuid." 

Very  good— ver^  wise,  Mr.  StANPoao,  To  ask  for  a  reduced  army 
Dower  is  Io  have  five  fingers  itching  for  the  property  of  our  nf  igbbours. 
To  object  ix>  the  oxtravagant  outlay  upon  the  household  troops  is  lo 
be  a  man  marked  "dangerous." 

But  it  is  clear  that  the  judges  are  of  little  use  without  the  prospect 
of  military  co-operation.  Tbe  ermine  would  be  defiled  by  popular  con- 
tempt, unless  protected  by  scarlet  serge.  Thii  is  the  reasoning  of 
Mr.  ^tankjbd — this  a  specimen  of  tbe  reasoning  animal  loo  often 
dubbed  At.P.,  and  sent  to  weary  honest  people,  ana  fill  with  frotli  the 
morning  papers. 

However,  from  the  debate  we  extract  one  delicious  drop  of  comfort. 
Colonel  Sibthohp  said — 


"  AUaiion  had  baen  nude  to  Uw  pMsihlUtr  of  outbremks  hv  ■narehtcal  hetions  -  If  it 
iboold  faa  fbiakl  wmtmry  tor  the  praaenrftMon  at  the  peeee  Aud  dii^Hy  ..r  thii  cotintrr 
be  iboold  be  pnpued  to  lot  igeJiut  any  mttempt  whicb  tbe  Redlcale  might  ainke." 

There  is  a  blacksmith  dwelling  at  Linoola  who  is  prepared—at  only 
one  dav's  notice — to  transmute  the  Colonel's  well-known  dagger  of  Utn 
into  a  broadsword  of  most  heroic  temper.  The  funds  are  uways  safe, 
for  is  not  SiBTnonr  ever  ready  F 


BENEVOLENT  MACHINES. 


Soau  experiments  which  would  have  fiiglily  interested  a  Bo&bman  or 
Malay  warrior  were  tried  last  week  in  the  marshes  at  Woolwich. 
They  were  corned  on,  says  the  Momittg  Ptat, 

"  with  ehelli,  the  Inrentlon  at  Hk.  Gbovu  of  Blnnlngbmm,  Ikarlnff  for  Cbeir  oMcct. 
when  biinil  wocMff  troooe,  to  ecetttr  a  quantity  of  prepeml  maierimL  irbleb  »OQld  m t 
Ibclr  clotbea  on  fire,  iiu  deitroy  the  eo«ni}r  by  that  means." 

A  considerable  improvement,  this  notion,  npon  that  of  poisoned 
arrows  •  It  is  difficult,  however,  to  conceive  how  a  shell  could  set  on 
fire  any  clothes  but  petliooats.  and  how,  therefore,  it  oould  be  available 
against  any  troops  but  Amaeons,  or,  perhaps,  Highhuders.  In  tbe 
present  instance,  the  shells  all  burst  at  the  month  of  the  howitier 
without  igniting  even  the  turpentine,  or  whatever  it  was  that  they  wer« 
to  fiing  about.  We  had  a  mis'aken  notion  that,  in  civilised  warfare,  all 
sucK  weapons  had  been  exploded  long  ago.  Not  so,  it  seems  ;  and  next, 
perhaps,  it  will  be  proposed  that  we  ahoald  fight  with  ritriol  and 
aqua-tortis 


• 


THE    GRECIAN     DIFFICULTY. 


Mr.  Punch*  "  Wht  doh't  tou  mr  okb  op  todh  bxek  ?  " 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAM. 


117 


A  CAMBKTDGE  LYRIC. 

THB  CUBAICAL  qUESTIONlST^S  TOV. 

Whsrk  Cam  in  narrow  cb&nnel  sleeps, 

And  Johnian  towera  rise, 
Connecttd  with  the  olden  Court 

By  the  modem  *'  Bridge  of  Sighs," 
A  QueBtionist,  of  CUuio  fame. 
Gaxed  on  the  flood  below." 
And  &B  be  cooled  his  fevered  brow. 

Poured  forth  thu  tale  of  woe, 

"  Ye  Gods  of  Hadca  down  below, 

Havs  mercy  oa  a  atmier, 
Six  weeks  of  squares  and  triangles, 

And  yet.  but  a  beginner ! 
These  cosine  (betas  to  the  «'* 

Will  drive  me  crazy  soon ; 
Oil.  grant,  ye  God«.  a  quick  release. 

And  briDg  me  home  the  Spoon. 

*'  With  Milleb's  hydrostatic  lore, 

And  Gbitfin  on  my  lip, 
I  wish  I  were  a  bold  Bar^e, — 

Ob,  would  I  were  a  Gyp. 
Little  care  they  for  function  r. 

Sines,  tangents,  fulcrums,  one*. 
They  blow  iheir  baccy  as  thry  )ike, 

AJid  rest  their  Isxy  bones. 

a  MdKopts  un  hi<h. 
Oil,  list  for  once  a  suppliant  voice^ 

Oh,  hear  a  gownsnuui's  cry. 
To  rou  I'il  pour  libation  free 

Of  punch,  of  wine,  of  beer ; 
I  ')l  (nre  you  nectsr.  if  you  like, 

(We  'to  only  Soter's  here). 

"  I  Ml  crown  the  cup  wirh  btooming  flowers. 

Prepare  the  festive  spread, 
And  for  the  guests  that  mr-et  that  night. 

The  floor  snail  be  their  bed  ; 
They  alum't '  go  home  i  ill  momiog, 

Till  daylight  doth  appear  ; ' 
And  gyps  and  bedmakers  shall  swtm 

In  ponds  of  College  beer. 

"  If  in  the  dreadful  Senate-honse, 

Where  pens  and  ink  abound, 
And  Problem  Papers,  crabb'd  and  stilT, 

Lie  heaped  on  tables  round, 
Where  Moderators  look  severe. 

And  men  down  on  their  luck, 
You  '11  deign  nrotect  the  M  uses'  child. 

And  shirld  him  from  a  pluclc" 


THK  GREAT  SCHOOL  OF  LONDON. 

To  those  who  can  learn  in  the  school  of  the  peripatetics,  wlio  Qnd 
knowledge  in  every  walk  of  life,  and  who,  as  tbry  run,  manage  to  read 
— there  is,  we  say,  for  such  a  clasi,  an  academy  in  evfry  London  street, 
a  oollege  at  the  corner  of  every  court,  a  sort  of  seminary  at  every  step. 
and  a  perfect  univerity  in  every  leading  thoroughfare.  Wiiat  a  fund 
of  gramijiar  may  be  supplied  in  a  ran. Me  from  Ctmnng  Cross  to  the 
Bank,  and  back  again.  Bcbold  that  man  and  woman  qnarrellmg,  and 
xtcognise  at  once  ihe  great  erammatical  rule,  that  tlm  maaculine  and 
the  feminine  cannot  agree.  Listen  to  the  abuse  bestowed  by  that  cool- 
beaver  upon  that  costermooger.  and  you  will  at  once  be  struck  with  the 
distinction  bftwecn  proper  and  improper  names.  AVa'cU  that  urc'iin 
extractingtbe  handkerchief  from  the  pooketof  the  gcnilc-miin,  and  there 
is  an  eiEeiiipli6caiion  of  thepoues«ive  casr^  while  'he  coming  up  of 
yonder  vigitnnt  policeman  illustrates  the  olijeciiv,  for  it  is  at  once  a 
case  of  objection  to  the  thiefs  walking  away.  There  la  an  unhappT 
being  leaning,  in  a  state  of  intoxication,  against  a  lainp-pos\  and 
realising  the  great  grammaiical  theory  of  an  a<ljcotive,  which  is  unable 
to  stand  alone. 

If  we  would  take  a  lesson  in  punctual  ion,  are  there  not  hundreds  of 
omnibuses  crawliug,  loitering,  and  pausing,  to  initiate  as  into  ihe 
myateries  of  all  kinds  of  stops  P 

We  oould  in  the  streets  of  London  on  any  fine  day,  or  fine  night, 
continue  ad  i>r/!niftiin  to  Irarn  by  analogy  the  rules  of  tbe  Gramoiarians, 
but  in  a  spirit  of  deeper  inquiry  we  turn  aside  from  the  vulgar  crowd, 
and  seek  the  solitude  of  the  Arcadia  known  as  that  of  Exeter,  where 
tke  beadle,  wi'h  a  letter  on  his  collar,  enjoys  the  tranquillity  of  lettered 
ease.  Like  the  hermit  with  his  staff  he  paces  to  and  fro,  meditating  on 
the  emptiness  of  everything  as  he  gazes  ia  at  the  windows  of  the  on* 
tenanted  shops.  We  never  go  in  at  the  Exeter  Street  entrance  of  the 
Arcade,  and  come  out  into  Calherine  Street,  without  feeling  that  wo 
have  gone  through  something  indescribable,  and  recoUrcling  it  after- 
wariis  as  one  of  the  most  melanciioly  passages  of  our  lives. 


AS  GRAVE  AS  A  JUDGE. 

One  of  our  illuftlra^ed  contemporaries  favours  the  public  with  "a 
portrait  of  LoRD  CiMrBKLL.  in  the  act  of  listening  to  Mo.  iluM- 
FII&S1,  Q.  C,  in  an  action  for  debt,  to  rfcover  the  price  of  a  boiler."  i 
We  confess,  that,  if  we  were  doomed  to  have  our  portrait  taken,  we  I 
should  hope  to  be  drawn  in  some  more  iuteresting  situation  than  in  the ' 
act  of  listening  to  a  forensic  harangue  on  ih%  price  of  a  boiler.  Judging . 
from  the  portrai\  Loud  Cxupbell  seems  to  be  fetling  his  subject,  for 
ho  looks  as  if  he  were  trying  his  hardest  to  get  up  the  st^am.  It  is  to 
be  regretted  that  one  ol  the  legal  wags  did  not  make  a  joke  at  the  I 
moment  of  th(>  portrait  having  brrn  taken,  mo  that  a  smile  miglit  have 
been  seen  to  pUy  on  the  noble  lord's  coun'enance. 

If  Mn.  HuHi-iiAET  had  thought  of  the  rampantlv  comic  observation 
that  "disputes  about  boilers  bring  people  into  hot  water,"  the  object 
would  tiAve  been  achieved.  Perliops  it  would  have  been  better  still,  if 
SiE  F.  TozsiGER  had  reserved  his  celebrated /nn  rfff  mot  on  the  Bulijfcl 
of  Le  PropAe(e,ii)x  the  first  silting  of  the  Kcw  Chief  Justice.  As 
Sia  Pbxdbkick'b  wajcgery  may  have  escaped  the  observation  of  tbe 

fmhlic,  we  reproduce  it  for  tbe  use  of  young  beginners  in  the  facetious 
ioe.  Another  learned  counsel  baring  nhsrrveU  that  tbe  parties  to  tbe 
action  were  sick  of  U  Prophke,  Sir  F.  Tiiesigeb  rejomed,  (hat  it 
MJpcarvd  as  if  the  parties  were  sick  for  want  of  The  Prt^U.  The 
Court,  of  course,  nuig  with  laughter,  for  foreusic  minds  are  easily 
amused. 


THE  HIDDEN  NEEDLEWOMEN, 

TuE  Chrohirli  has  opened  a  list  of  Ibe  names  and  adJres&es  of 
London  needlewomen ;  of  the  suffering  creatures,  hard,  aa  it  appear^, 
to  discover  even  by  those  who  riouire  and  would  fairly  yhj  their 
services ;  in  such  pavment  afforuin^  the  possible  luxury  of  an  incidental 
chop,  to  vary  the  dietary  of  Ihrice-drawu  tea*leaves  Eud  buttcrless 
bread.     So  far  so  good,  and  great  praise  to  the  CkronieU. 

Punch,  however,  has  his  suggestion.  Every  post-oilice  is  a  sort  of 
public  plaoe.  Puirh,  then,  suggests  to  all  shop  keeping  poslniostera 
and  mis  rrsses  of  l^mdun  to  have  a  little  book— it  ipay  cost  a  peany— 
in  wluch  tbe  needlewomen  of  tbe  neighbourhocd  may  inscribe  their 
nawea. 

If  there  are  those  who  would  hesitate  at  the  prospective  "  trouble  " 
of  the  tbing— the  said  trouble  bringing  no  apparent  profit  ia  sdver  or 
copper— PuxitA  begs  to  observe,  that  whoever  calls  at  a  shop  to  poet  a 
leiter,  or  to  ask  a  question,  is  a  probable  customer.  There  is,  say 
six  times  out  of  twelve,  something  presented  that  is  required-* 
that  the  dropper-in  ia  reminded  of:  and  thus  he  or  she  who  oomea 
only  to  post  a  letter,  or  to  ask  the  whereabouts  of  a  aempatresa, 
remains  lo  buy.        _^____ 

Pottery  Hxtraordinary. 

Who  knows  anything  about  a  person  of  the  name  uf  KkjukcuP  la 
bo  a  Thug,  or  a  Burkcr,  or  what !  Or  else  what  meaoa  lliis  odd  adrer- 
tisement  which  we  saw  lately  in  tbe  Timet : — 

"Tiir.  LATE  Cit'Si.  ArmtrT  vo  STirte  mm  Uox  B,  Nobu  by  Kewpli,  la  eo»- 
men&cd  upon  Id  iho  UttrtHtm  VeH4t  fbr  Febnury.  18^-    ThU  nimUily  pvrtodkal  Is 

pubUnlied  by  Sk^  Ae. 

What  arc  the  parliculars  of  the  rufliauly  outrage  above  alluded  to?  A 
grilling  on  a  gridiron  would  be  a  filler  punishuieul  for  Kksbpu  than  a 
mere  dressing  in  an  Earthen  Vessel.  This  piece  of  crockeryware,  by  the 
way,  must  be  one  of  tbe  curiosities  of  liteniture.  One  feels  curioui  to 
ascertain  the  contents  of  this  periodical  pitcher,  or  pipkin,  or  pot. 


UAKISG  AWAT  WITff  HniSELy, 

It  appears  that  tbe  Earl  of  Clarendon  himself  supports  tbe  projeol 
for  abolishing  his  own  office  of  Xjurd  Lieuteiuint  of  Ireland.  It  would 
certainly  be  very  difficult  to  replsce  so  excellent  a  Viceroy,  and  it  is 
therefore  prudent  to  give  up  the  attempt,  when  it  is  quite  dear  that 
any  one  selected  to  succeed  would  inevitably  fail. 

•COTCH  TEVaCTTT. 

Thk  molto  on  Loud  Caufbell's  seat  is  **  JiutUiat  T*wx**  Tlie 
translation  of  this,  evidently,  is  "  Holding  on  to  the  Chief  Justioesbip.'* 


118 


(tmCB,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARlVAttL 


:.-^^Uv^:tri 


^fti  Cottfrmon^.  ''I  wo:iD£n  a  KBSPecritiLE  cara  likb  ioU|  Biu^  caiuii£3  T£R  own  CoLLtrLovHUS  ! 
War  oos't  Tea  KEii-  ^  casjiidcb  liiik  mink  I  '* 


PIOrUKES  OF  MISERT. 

Wb  have  heard  a  great  deal  abont 
the  OTererowding  of  the  poor  in.  towna. 
but  nothing  we  hare  yet  heard  of 
cornea  up  to  the  orer-crowding  of 
Fictores  in  the  National  Gallery. 
We  wonder  that  the  fragile  frames  of 
the  Tiotima  are  able  to  stand  such  usage, 
and  if  many  of  them  hare  already  lost 
their  colour,  can  we  be  surprised,  when 
we  think  of  the  uidiealtby  atmosphere 
to  which  they  are  consigned  F  One  of 
our  own  commissioners,  who  has  been 
sent  to  inquire  into  the  matter,  reports 
to  us  the  evil  effects  of  jostling  together 
in  a  limited  space  the  old  and  the  yonng 
masters,  and  we  are  long  ago  familiar 
with  the  treatment  of  the  Vernon 
family  of  pictures,  which  may  be  said 
to  have  been  consigned  to  a  sort  of 
modem  Black  Hole  of  Calcutta,  which 
must  be  seen  to  be  believed,  and  which, 
as  nothing  is  to  be  seen,  will  never  be 
believed  by  anybody. 


"pobtek's  phogeesb  or  tue  nation," 

Communism  means,  we  believe, 
"  Halp-and-Halp,"  and  we  doubt  if 
Communism  is  ever  likely  to  go  down  in 
Enghmd,  or  to  become  a  popular 
measure,  in  any  other  shape. 


HERO  SURGEONS. 

Laubel  growi  not  for  military  surgeons.  They  may,  in  the  very 
tbkk  of  the  fight,  dress  wounds,  amputate,  perform  acts  of  most  bene- 
ficent and  dexterous  skill— they  may,  within  range  of  the  enemy's  fire, 
let  np  their  hospital,  and  haply  be  swept  away  by  the  enemas  shot,— 
yet  are  they  held  of  no  more  account  than  the  practitioner  who 
operates  in  the  safe  precincts  of  Guj's  or  St.  Thomas's.  Occasionally 
an  army  surgeon  is  killed;  nevertheless,  no  laurel  twig  is  planted 
upon  his  grave.  He  dies  as  obscurely  as  the  pariah  apothecary ;  nis  me- 
ramr  as  "  nndecorated." 

Tnia  is  hardly  fair ;  but  then,  it  is  very  English.  We  are,  unqucs 
Ifaoabiy,  a  great  people ;  and  in  the  serenity  of  our  greatness,  rarely 
Tonchsafe  to  acknowledge  the  existence  of  people  of  science.  To  be 
SQre»  now  and  then,  there  is  a  sprinkling  of  them  in  the  parties  of  high 
political  life;  just  a  flavour  of  science— a  tint  or  two  of  pictorial  arh ; 
Imt,  as  a  principle,  the  Enslish  Court  and  the  English  Gorernment  do 
not  condescend  to  be  familiar  with  genius  lliat  is  only  pacific.  A  itrcat 
Gaptafn  kills  a  few  thousand  Indians,  and  on  his  return  home,  he  is 
immediately  summoned  "above  the  salt"  at  Windsor.  A  thousand 
timea  greater  man— a  marvellous  worker  in  iron,  one  Stephenson, 
drives  the  2,000,000th  rivet  in  the  plate  of  the  Britannia  Bridge,  Ihcrnby 
oonanmmatingawork  as  great  as  the  Pyramids,  wiiU  utility  incalculable 
aublimiog  the  greatness, — and  wo  suffer  France  to  step  before  U9,  find, 
in  her  way,  acknowledge  and  adorn  the  skill  of  the  mighty  master. 
Had  Stephenson,  from  the  cannon's  mouth,  fired  away  a  hundredt  h  part 
of  the  iron  with  which  he  has  griped  Menai  shore  to  shore,— his  coat 
would  have  been  hung  with  trinkets  thick  as  a  jeweller's  window. 

The  soldier,  in  Ids  terrible  trade,  intliots  i)ain.  maims,  kills.  The 
sorgeoD,  a  skilled  and  watchful  beneficence,  waits  in  the  tnu:k  of  blood, 
ana  comforts,  assuages,  saves.  The  heroic  destroyer  obtains,  at  least, 
the  Order  of  the  Bath,— the  surReon  only  wears  ifie  Order  of  Neglect. 
Sut  Dt  Lact  Etans  asks  ithert  a  decoration  is  to  be  presented  "to 
mediod  officers  who  may  have  been  present,  and  proved  deserving  in 
important  military  and  naval  actions  F  "  And  *'  when  "  remains  unan- 
swered. It  is  so  glorious  to  fire  a  bullet  into  a  man — but  nothing,  wliilst 
bullets  are  flying  about  the  operator,  to  extract  the  ball.  Very  service- 
able to  the  state  is  it  to  cut  sabre-gashes,  of  small  account  to  heal  the 
harts  received.  Destruction  is  a  demi-god ;  mere  healing,  a  pettifogger. 
We  rtiae  a  hundred  statues  to  Mabs,  out  not  an  ounce  of  brooso  to 
BMnn;aptU8.  Glory  may  be  written  on  a  drum-head,  but  is  not  to  be 
put  down  upon  lint. 

High  Ufe  in  the  New  Out. 

Oei$4lma».  What  's  the  price  of  this  red  herring  ? 
yiikmonffer.  Yon  shall  have  that  one  for  a  halfpenny.  Sir. 
OmUleman,  Well.  I  're  no  money  i^xnit  me,  bat  I  oaa  gire  %  postage- 
■tamp,  if  yon  can  oblige  me  with  change." 


EXPENSIVE  SOCIETY. 

We  should  have  thought  that  so  dignified  an  individual  as  a  judge  of 
a  superior  Court  would  find  no  difficulty  whatever  in  getting  in'o  the 
very  best  society;  but  we  presume  it  is  on  the  {ground  of  a  judi^e 
ceasing  to  be  a  man  of  parties — and  acc:)rdingly  declining  all  iavi^atioas 
7-lhat  he  is  allowed  a  very  handsome  sum  for  an  associate.  Of  course, 
if  great  judicial  dignitaries  must  be  very  particular  indeed  with  whom 
they  associate,  it  is  desirable  that  they  should  be  allowed  to  find 
associates  for  themselves,  and  a  few  thousands  a  year  can't  be  con- 
sidered misapplied  in  a  matter  of  this  kind,  for  a  judge  would  soon 
grow  veiT  dull  indeed  without  a  single  associate. 

The  ofuce,  whose  duties  consist,  we  suppose,  of  constant  companion- 
ship with  the  judge,  must  be  very  agreeable  in  the  present  day,  when 
the  bench  is  graced  with  nice,  genial,  gentlemanly,  welUnformed,  and 
high-minded  men^  but  there  have  been  periods  when  it  might  have  been 
said  of  many  a  judge,  that  his  lordship's  room  was  preferable  to 
his  lordship's  company.  The  associate  has  probably  the  task  of  starting 
topics  of  small  talk  to  relax  the  judicial  mind,  and  occasionally  perhaps 
to  take  a  part  in  picking  one  of  those  dry  old  bones  of  contention  that 
the  legal  appetite  yearns  for  the  discussion  and  digestion  of.  We 
believe  the  salaries  of  the  associates  of  the  judges  are  from  £1000  to 
£3000  a  year,  but  we  think  there  are  many  who  would  accept  the 
situations  for  the  mere  privilege  of  associating  with  some  of  the  most 
agreeable  and  entertainm|(  men  in  England,  who  deserve  rather  to  be 
paid  than  to  pay  for  allowing  others  to  become  their  associates. 


AVIIAT  MIGHT  HAVE  BEEN  DONE  WITH  THE  SURPLUS. 

We  have  had  some  wonderful  years  latelv-  but  this  year  seems  likely 
to  be  more  wonderful  than  any  of  them.  The  Whig  Government  has 
got  a  surplus  of  some  £2.000,000.  The  question  was  what  were  they  to 
do  with  the  money? 

They  might  have  invested  it  in  the  creation  of  a  fund  for  the  reward 
of  literary  and  scientific  merit. 

Thpj  might  have  applied  it  to  the  liquidation  of  the  National  Debt— 
setthng,we  would  suggest,  in  the  first  place,  EngUnd's  little  account 

with  HOKATIA. 

They  might  hare  appropriated  some  of  it  to  the  erection  of  >  decent 
National  Gallery. 

But  they  had  better  have  sent  it  all  to  the  British  Museum,  which 
institution  only  is  the  proper  receptacle  for  auch  a  curiosity  as  a 
Whig  surplus.  

A  BAD  SPEC. 

The  late  Socialist  triumph  in  the  Paris  eleotlona  may  be  said  to 
present  an  iUoatration  of  very  Urge  retnrna  and  very  small  profits. 


IPUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


119 


A  SPIDEH  OF  WESTMINSTER  HALL. 

Ths  pious  GooDUAX  in  bis  *'  Fall  qf  Man  **  t-ftkea  it  u  ao  eipecisl 
eridcnoc  of  the  bf^uty  and  simplicity  of  EnRliab  law  that  "  ProTidencc 
hath  so  filly  ordained  it,  aa  propheaying  or  presoribinK  a  lesson  that 
tbe  timber  in  Westminster  Hall  should  neither  admit  cobweb  nor 
spider."  Fortified  hy  BQch  authority,  we  are  disposed  to  oonaider  tbe 
correspondent  who  below  addresses  us  as  a  designing  impostor ;  never- 
thelrsa  we  give  his  communication,  desiring  toe  courteous  reader  to 
iodge  for  himself. 

COUNTY   COLRTS   BILl*. 

••Mil.  PwKcn,— It  has  been  moved  to  r  i»f  nd  thejurisdkition  of  County 
Courts  to  debts  jus*  under  £5(X  From  £90  to  £50  is  a  jump  indeed ; 
and  the  hairs  of  barristers'  wio.  as  in  duty  bound,  stand  on  end  at  tbe 
BttXKestion.  Tlie  Altomry-GeDoral  looks  professionally  f[rave  at  tbe 
notion;  and  prophesies  all  sorts  of  evil,  every  kind  of  bconvcnience, 
from  so  aweepinic  a  nieaaure. 

"Now,  Mr.  JPuntk,  if  anyrhing  in  life  have  cause  to  fear  sweeping 
nietrares,  it  is  myseir — a  spider  of  Westminster  Hall ;  a  spider  that 
has  descended  in  a  right,  line  from  the  days  of  Stephen.  The  County 
Courts  Bill  may.  nine  times  out  of  ten,  be  made  a  puule  and  a  fUm. — 
\{  it  reoeive  no  furiher  alteration  than  mere  extension,  it  may  take  in— 
BominaUy  take  in— a  £100,  and  law  wilt  be  as  dear  aa  ever:  and 
defendants,  like  flies  in  a  web,  be  caught  and  held  inextricably  in 
the  meshes  of  tbeallorney.  Let  us.  Sir,  consider  the  b^au'iful  con- 
struction of  tbe  County  Courts  Bill  aa  it  stands.  It  ii>,  indeed,  a  very 
pretty  bit  of  network. 

"  Wticn  the  plaintilT  dwells  more  than  twenty  miles  from  the 
defendant,  and  the  drhf  is  in  Bhap«  of  a  B'll, — how  eaay  and  how  rtrj 
»ati»fac'ory  it  is,  to  endorse  the  said  Bill  to  a  friend  distant  more  than 
tliestatu'e  iwenty  nates  from  the  acceptor!  Br  these  facile  means  i  be 
cause  is  a  cause  for  the  superior  court,  and  tli«  ootta  are  thumping 
accordingly, 

"  When  plaintilT  and  defendant  dwrll  tn  different  diaUict?,  and  g:oods 
are  sold  antl  delivered  to  distant  defendant,  then  again  n.ny  plainlifl' 
el^-o^  to  sue  in  superior  oourt^  snapping  hi«  fingers  at  the  very  nose  uf 
the  County  Courr  j-idge  ! 

"  AgaiPi  attoraics  are  prifil^ged  folks.  Wh'-n  they  themarlves  are 
plaintiffs — and  nothing  so  common,  especially  for  Hrhrew  disoountem 
a<  tn  sue  upon  their  own  stamps — they  h^ve  this  high  prerogative,  to 
make  the  most  of  the  defendant,  by  the  more  exnensive  process, 
*  grinding  his  bones*  to  make  their  best  wheaten  breaa  !  However^  by 
an  after  amending*  act,  the  privil'-ge,  before  *  fujoyed '  by  aitomey  of 
being  sued  in  superior  court,  is  taken  from  him  ;  out,  as  a  s^eet  con- 
sideration for  such  lo-s,  he  ii  still  permitted,  aa  plaintiC  to  take 
de''eT)dant  to  the  dearest  narket! 

"Why,  there  is  Moses  Kiitsogrk,  E-q.,  attorney-at-law  — sbarp 
fellow!  He  always  sues  in  the  superioTiour'.  And  why?  '  Became,' 
aajs  Moses,  'defendant  won't  rii-kBlO  or  £15  in  setiing  me  right ;  hue 
tostoptiie  boiberwill  pay  cos's  of  writ;  a  dirty  £1  15«.,  or  £2,  ai 
Btagnanimify  may  be.' 

Observ,  Mr  Punrh,  1o  ntove  to  deprive  plaintiff  of  costs  will 
amount  to  some  £10  for  expenses  of  mo  ion.  Then,  a  demurrer  folio**, 
and  who  shall  ray  where  the  cos's  shall  end,  until  a  recript  in  full,  to 
s<  me  romanlic  amount,  be  duly  obtained  and — paiij  for  ? 

"  So  you  see,  Mr.  Punchy  with  even  an  extension  of  the  County  Court 
Act,to  £50.  ii  i*  be  rotbing  more  than  extec&ion.  >bere  will  yet  remain 
ample  work,  and  snfficient  profit  for 

"Your^Cin  a  line,) 

**A  Sfxdes  or  WzsTHiysrzK  Haul 

"P.S.  I  perceive  that  tbe  aWomica  are  moving  to  he  relieved  of 
enpense  of  certificate  lax.  if  they  succeed,  nill  letters  fall  from  Or.  ^, 
toW.lW.F'* 


A  Proteetloniat  Banquet. 

Thi  Mornins  Poil  says— 

"  Aootbtr  novil  tmportaden  of  forrtgi)  (rroduoUon  has  now  talc«n  ptsM  In  tbi  atafw 
of  ft  puMl  af  108  baodl**  of  bfty,  bjr  the  BteaBier  Eari  »J  Amt)imd^  Civra  UoUenUm,  tlw 
(Towtb  ftod  produoe  of  UoUanii. 

The  importation  of  hay  is  a  result  of  Free  Trade,  which  would,  we 
■kouid  thmk,  be  palatable  even  to  Protectionist  donkeys. 


HEW  uoiiT  POR  u>in>oir. 


Application  for  a  Patrnt. — Mr.  Punchy  for  a  me'Lod  of  impartiag 
illummating  properties  to  sulphuretted  h/drogea,  with  a  view  to  ligbt 
the  nwtropohs  by  means  of  the  gas  contained  in  the  sewers. 


TFTE   AUTHORS  OT  OUR  OWN   PLEASUEE8. 

^  N'BXT  to  the  pletsvre  of  having  done  a  good  action,  there  ii  nothing 
lib  sweet  as  the  pleasure  of  havi-g  written  a  pEOod  article  1 


SIBTHORP  *'WHEN  AT  OXPORI)." 

Decplt  shall  we  regret  the  day— 
may  it  be  a  century  distant — wora 
SniTBORF  sball  be  removed  from 
the  House  of  Commons  to  West- 
minster Abbey.  SiBTHOEF  should 
be  a  joy  for  ever.  Even  u  the 
mammies  of  Egyptian  royalty  fix 
upon  the  visitors  of  the  Britiah 
Moieam  tbe  memory  of  a  long- 
departed  fact,  Egyp'ian  ci»iU»a- 
tioDi  so  does  SiBTHoar,  in  hia 
old  Tory  swatbings,  tell  of  the 
dajrs  that  are  gone.— Days  of  bnck- 
skm  breeches'  loyalty  and  hatred 
of  wooden  shoes-,  dajs  of  fox- 
hunting and  hard  drinking  to 
follow;  dafs  when  Georob  the 
Third  was  realty  tbe  father  of  bis 
people,  and  Royal  Chasj/>tti 
tbeir  nursing  motlter;  days  wheu 
Tyhom  had  its  weekly  ha'ch  of 
highwaymen,  coiners,  and  house- 
breakers,— and  a  squeamish  senti- 
mentality lowered  not  tbe  useful 
gains  of  the  executioner.  Last 
week,  SiBTHOBP  was  very  strong 
upon  Mr.  Ewabt's  motion  for  e»- 
tnbli^hing  town  libraries  for  tbe 

nie.  SiBTBORF,  for  himself, 
red  (hat  "he  did  not  like 
reading  at  all.  and  be  hated  it  when  at  Oxford." 

A  certain  Spanish  author  writes  a  strange  matter  of  a  canon  named 
Martin,  *' excellently  piou;*,  hut  an  inoorrijtible  blockhead.'*  In  vain 
he  puKsled  himself  to  learn,  till  S.viyt  IsiDoas  appeared  to  him  in  a 
dream  and  made  bim  eat  a  book !  Whereupon  Haktin  awoke  a  learned 
man,  ud  wrote  tbe  purest  Latin  ! 

How  mudi  would  the  world  have  gained,  if  Saint  Isidore  bad  only 
paid  such  a  visit  to  8ibthorp  "  wbeu  at  Oiford  I" 


CHEAP 


BRICKS  FOR  TIIE  COTTAGE. 

Ai«— "/«  nil  a»Kiiff«  wear  a  nWd.** 


In  my  cottage,  thanks  to  Wood, 

Room  ana  comfort  now  are  mine, 
Bricks,  by  lesiala'ion  ;!0od, 

Bemg  frec'd  from  llscal  tine. 
Spacious  and  substaulial  walls 

Have  our  dweltinfts— as  they  should  : 
1  don't  envy  "  Marble  Halls," 

In  my  cottage— thanks  to  Wood. 

Cbeapea'd  rent  eoables  me 

Better  livinx  to  afford ; 
Now  that  bricks  are  duly  free. 

Ampler  is  tlie  workman's  board  \ 
I  can  wear  improved  at  ire, 

Tolling  for  my  livehhi>od, 
And  mamtain  a  warmer  f:re 

In  my  cottage — thanks  to  Wood. 

Since  by  cheap  constructed  drains 

Clean  and  sweet  our  homes  are  made ; 
We  are  cured  of  achea  and  pains 

By  their  purifying  aid. 
Since  the  tax  is  ta'en  ofT  bricks, 

Diiiip  and  Filth,  with  I'eTtr's  brood. 
Have  entirely  cut  their  sticks 

From  my  cottage— t banks  to  Wood. 

Now  I  want  just  one  more  boon 

To  improve  my  li'.ile  cot; 
Let  us  hope  to  gain  it  soon,' 

Happy  then  will  be  our  lot. 
Oh !  repeal  the  tai  on  light. 

Rulers  -  if  you  only  could. 
Then,  indeed,  'twould  be  all  right 

In  my  cottage— thanks  to  Wood  1 


•*  Will  mo  one  uaj«d  KoTH.scniLD  a  Seat  ?"— But  three  membera 
are  silting  for  ihe  Ci^y  of  Londoa.  We  cannot  see  bow  the  City  can 
be  properly  represented  as  long  a»  the  Old  Jewry  is  left  ont. 


K<^asA5 


Wb  are  gl&d  to  Qad  that  tlie  hi^h  Btate  of  dUcipUno  of  Ihe  Briliib 
army  ii  likclf  to  b«  carried  still  higher  bjr  the  conteDipUtcd  reductions, 
which  will  cut  off  vast  oumbcrs  of  men  without  dimiuiahing  tbe 
qcanlity  of  officers.  It  is  contemplated  that  our  army  will,  iw  time,  be 
aote  to  boast  of  sach  efficiency  in  the  war  of  command,  that  CTcry 
prirate  will  have  at  lta«t  six  siipenors  to  Iook  after  him.  la  order  to 
test  the  value  of  Ihia  kind  of  arrangement,  it  has  been  proposed  to 

M6  Tonkins,  of  the  Grenadiers,  under  the  new  system,  wLicb  will 
established  if  the  present  mode  of  lopping  off  from  the  ranks,  and 
leafing  the  npper  grades  untouched,  should  be  pcrsistod  in. 

ToMKXsa  will  undergo  a  series  of  drills  at  the  bands— or  rather  at 
the  voices — of  the  uomerouB  officers  whose  duty  it  will  be  to  keep  up 
his  efficicDCf.  by  showing  the  juvenile  soldier  how  to  handle  his  musket, 
and  ereotually  teaching  the  young  idea  how  to  shoot. 

The  following  wUl  be  a  sample  of  the  mode  m  which  Tomkiks  will 
be  addressed,  and  we  only  trust  that  though  too  many  cooks  spoil  the 
brotb.  it  will  not  turn  out  that  too  many  ofllcers  spoil  the  soldier  :— 

Adjutant.  Heads  «j>,  Tomkins. 

Firtt  LietUenani.  Keep  your  stomach  in,  TOMKjya. 

CoptaU.  SUady,  ToMtiNS,  Steadr. 

Second  Liffutenamt.  As  you  were,  Tokkiks. 

Jf«or.  You  *ll  ^0  back  into  the  awkward  squad,  Tohkdib. 

CoIomI.  £^es  ngfat,  Toxuss. 
.  /'f  '^  Q^^»  together.  Chest  out,  stomach  in,  eyes  right,  shoulders 
Iclt,  head  lorvmoat,  toM  out,  kneci  atraight,  steady,  steady,  Tomkinb  ! ! ' 


BUSaEraUEKTITiG   THEVaBLV£«. 

Tm  French  shopkeepers  are  finding  fault  already  with  the  fact  of  so 
toaay  Socialists  being  returned  fur  Paris.  We  do  not  see  what  right 
lluj  h4V6  to  grumble,  considering  the  etil  was  cnlireJj  their  own  eleotioiL 


SUNDA.!  EVENING'S  AMUSEilENT  IN  THE  Cm. 

FoBKiGNFTis  oomplain  that  there  are  no  exhibitions  open  on  a  Sunday 
erening.  Theie  is,  howerer,  an  entertainment  in  the  City  accessible  to 
those  who  can  procure  an  admission.  It  is  even  attended  fay  some  of 
the  clergy,  whose  only  complaint  of  it  seems  to  be  that  they  get  bad 
plaoea.    ''^SrBs"  thus  writes  to  the  Tinui  .— 

"  Sir,— HupiMiiiiig  U>  Iw  pruseiit  at  utiui  of  tha  'nppws'  gtm  oo  SuDdmyt  darini 
L«nt  to  the  boyii  of  Chritit'ii  Umiplul,  I  wu  grierM  to  bm  thAt  the  Wftt  ssitl^ed  bi  tlio 
h«ad  muten  and  tuUin  wm  k  Iuw  forni  behind  all  th«  spectAton,  upon  a  level  with  th« 
■Mtj  allottad  to  th«  Mrruits  of  th«  wtabUshnwnt,  (Lb  npper  puces  bclog  eotinly 
nweiTod  for  the  governoni  and  their  fkiends.' 

We  sometimes  hear  of  a  ploughman's  publicly  devouring  a  leg  of 
mutton  as  a  "  disgusting  exhibition."  Is  there  anything  much  mora 
refined  or  intellectual  in  the  sight  of  a  lot  of  haagry  boys  eating  their 
supper  P  To  those  who  enjoy  a  display  of  roracity.  the  Zoological 
Gardens  on  Monday  at  feeding  time  would  surely  afford  a  higher  treat 
than  the  spectacle  on  the  prerioas  evening  at  the  Bluecoat  SchooL 
The  object  of  thus  making  the  scholars  a  gazing-stock  at  their  meals  ia 
not  ver^  coneeiyable.  Are  tber  made  a  public  show  of  as  tbe  recipients 
of  chanty  to  humiliate  themr  We  should  think  such  an  exposure 
oould  hardly  be  pleasant  to  themselres.  and  for  our  own  part  we  have 
no  desire  to  be  ita  spectators.  We  had  much  rather  go  and  see  how 
the  citirens  would  eat,  if  they  were  obliged  to  keep  Lent  all  the  week, 
and  indulged  with  one  good  supper  on  the  Sunday. 


A  Bodjr  without  a  Head. 

Amokgst  TAiTi:BaALL'fl  list  of  sales  the  following  occurs  .— 

"  YaJJLAVTXD,  A  GOOD  1A4DKR." 

Hay  we  recommend  the  above  to  the  notice  of  the  Protectionista,  u  at 
tbe  present  moment  the/  Kem  to  be  woefully  in  want  of  a 'good 
Leader  P 


mm 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


vn 


VIRGIN  GOLD  HUNTERS  IN  CALIFORNU, 

Tub  Toronio  2nd*pend«ni  fives  an  acouuntof  two  youBg  uid  beautiful 
Udiet  from  KloriJa,  who  bave  poac  to  Califomia,  and  are  goM-seekliiK 
there  on  llieir  own  nccouo*.  with  no  auiiiance  but  tlmtof  an  old  negro. 
The  eldest  of  theu  is  not  SO;  so  that,  as  iha  piuinmg  reader  will  not 
fail  to  observe,  (hey  are  both  mioon.  RanMclciug  the  bovola  or  the 
earth  ii  an  extension  of  females'  mininf^  operationa.  which  liave  been 
hitherto  confined  to  the  heart  of  man.  From  the  last  named  diggios 
thfy  have  often  obtained  large  quantities  of  the  precious  mela',  and 
have  Rrnerallj  counted  themselres  very  uulucky  if  the/  got  uo  more 
gold  than  there  is  in  a  wedding  ring. 

English  young  ladies  need  not  go  to  California.  They  have  a  Siiora- 
nienlo  at  home  in  the  Nui  Prius  Court:,  where  damages  for  breach  or 
promise  of  marriage  are  extracted  from  the  pockets  of  the  unwary  1^ 
the  sieve  of  an  action,  and  the  aooop  of  a  barrister's  silver  tongue. 


AN    APPEAL    FROM    "WHITE    STICK." 

Mr,  Pukoh. — I  aopeal  to  you.  as  the  common  guardian  and  bene- 
factor  of  tlia  Bnubbea  and  the  oopmsed.  In  the  width,  length,  and 
drpth  of  your  benevolence,  you  will  uot  tJiink  the  less  of  me^  because  I 
am  a  Sticic— a  Wliite  Stick.  A  Stick  out  to  the  heart — Tor  sticks  have 
hearts— by  the  cruelty  of.  I  believe,  a  daily  print,  called  the  Timei^]. 
ani  told,  a  newspaper. 

It  is  not  for  me,  Vr.  PitHth  to  boast  of  ray  Hng.  honourable,  and 
useful  descent.  As  White  SticK  tn  the  Court  of  England,  I  may  cltiim 
for  my  genealogical  tree — whence  I  was  cut  bjr  the  Norman  sword  of 
William— a  very  distinguished  oak  still  flourishing  near  Battle.  At  this 
mome&t,  I  feel  a  sympathy  with  my  illustrious  km ;  and  though  to  the 
eye  ana  finger  of  all  XiOrd  Stewards  of  Royal  Uoubehold,  I  may 
seem  only  ao  mnch  dead  wood,  I  do  assure  you  that,  touched  by  the 
influence  of  this  spring  season  (notwithstanding  the  east-wind),  I  do  feel 
the  sap  rising — rismg,  I  say,  sympa!hr:tically  with  the  vital  fluid  that  is 
now  coursing  up  ana  down  the  trunk  of  mr  venerable  parent.  Indeed, 
I  cannot  promise — were  I  only  s'uck  inch-deep  in  the  generous  soil  of  a 
Court— that  I  would  not  bud  and  put  forth  leaves,  ana  then  acorns,  and 
became — like  my  ancestor — a  mighty  oak.  But  this  is  to  expect  too 
much.  Let  me  be  satisfied  tbaC  it  is  nevertheless  my  prond  destinv  to 
be  twiddled  twixt  tlie  finger  and  thumb  of  the  Moat  Noble,  and  Most 
Puissant  MjLaQimas  op  Westminster. 

Mr.  PtMck^  it  is  with  that  distinguished  individual — within  these  few 
dsys  more  distinguished  than  ever  by  the  abuse  of  the  print  called  the 
TVsMT— that  I  am  proud  to  make  oommon  cause.  We  are,  for  a  time, 
one  and  the  same :  Uarc^uess  and  Whito  Stick — wood  and  wood.  Well, 
Sir,  the  Timet  throws  it  in  the  teeth  of  the  illustrious  nobleman,  that, 

f;dt  and  double-gilt  as  he  is  b^  stone-blind  fortune,  he  should  yet  yearn 
or  the  barren  honour  of  White  Stick  ?  Why  not  ?  The  Timet  marvels 
that  noblemen — uot  merely  golden  calves,  but  calves  with  di&mond  eyes, 
pearl  teeth  and  emerald  hools — should  abasn  themselves  by  donning  the 
liverjr  of  HiR  MaJbsty!  Why,  Mr.  Punck,  it  is  this  beautiful 
hunulity  that  makes  the  true  glory  of  a  mooarohy.  The  lower  the 
self-defrrada*.ion  of  the  nobleman,  t"  noble  man,"  according  to  Dkbhktt) 
the  higner  the  royalty.  The  greater  the  self-Bbnegationof  the  servuit, 
the  larger  the  honour  paid  to  the  served.  Whence  would  the  Tine* 
obtain  the  QuEsy's  Domestios — I  mean  the  Domestics  paid  and  tick- 
etted  by  the  sta'.e  ?  Is  Ubb  Kax&flTY  to  order  an  advertisement  in  the 
newspapers : 

W 


nnk  thiu]  I 
VoUowera  &Uowed. 


Lord  Stamrd  of  tho  >Irttuehol<l.     He  mutt  not  be  of  higher 
\   BftTQuot.     No  {wnou  with  £400^000   por  sunum  owd    spply. 


Is  it  by  such  means  that  the  7Tm«f  would  have  the  Qi;ezii*8  noble- 
men in  livery  appointed  ?  Am  1— White  Stick— to  cease  to  be  as  much 
the  object  of  hope,  desire,  and  noblest  ambition — of  watchfulness  by 
dav,  and  prayer  bv  nijcht— as  though  I  was  the  wand  of  a  Prophet  ? 

I  mi^  be  thought  prejudiced  in  the  matter ;  but  I  deny,  denounce  the 
assunkption — when  I  state  it  to  be  my  belief  that  the  English  monarchy 
owes  its  serenity  at  home,  and  its  power  abroad,  not  to  its  legal  and 
social  institutions— not  to  its  navy  and  its  army— but  to  this  one  virtue 
alone,  the  humility  of  H£R  M^JESir'a  state  serrants.  Magna  Charta 
is  all  very  well ;  but  the  oarchment  it's  written  on  is  of  no  more  value 
ttuu  an  old  drum-bead.  No ;  the  real  strength  of  the  country  is  in  the 
lappets  of  the  Mistress  of  the  Robes— when  that  Mistress  happens  to 
be  a  Marchioness  or  Duchess.  Not  t^  the  battles  of  a  Lobd  Nklso^ 
do  we  owe  gbry  as  a  stste  \  but  to  the  humility  of  a  Lonn  Bmorr,  a 
Lord  (in  liverr)  in  Waiting.  Waterloo  is  all  very  well ;  but  I  should 
like  to  know  of  whst  worth  is  the  baton  of  F.  M.  the  Duut  ov  Wel- 
LnrGTO"*  to  myself— White  Stick — when  humbly^e»erently,  fearingly, 
gm^pe  I  by  the  devoted  hand  of  a  Makquess  of  WbstmissteeP 

What  a  noble,  what  a  Christian  answer  is  it  to  au  iguurant  and 
Asmooratic  charge  of  pomps  and  ranilies  of  a  Court,  to  be  able  to  tell 
of  Footman  Dukes,  Chambermaid  Countesses,  azul  Groom  and  Uuuts- 


men  Marquesses  and  EarU  ?  If  /ou  want  to  find  the  really  humble,  the 
truly  lowly  of  hearty  your  only  guide  to  the  discovery  is  the  Coitrt  Ovtili. 
"Die  true  Book  of  Humility  is  the  Red  Book. 

The  Times,  no  doubt  intending  a  sneei — savs, "  There  is  a  broad  vein 
of  plush  thst  traverses  the  whole  frame-work  of  English  society."  1 
rejoice  at  the  beautiful  truth  -a  truth,  that  despite  of  all  formal  dis- 
tinctions, reoUr  puts  the  Duke  on  a  level  with  Lis  butler,  and  places 
cheek  by  jowl,  the  Earl  and  the  groom.  Thus,  beautiful  to  my 
thiukinv  is  the  Most  Noble  the  Ma&qubss  op  WEaTSUMSTSft,  the 
Lord  White  SLicic !  True ;  he  migfU  be  a  stirring  benevolence — a 
national  hospitality.  With  his  preposterous  amount  of  wealih,  he— the 
Head  of  Brass,  miglit  make  his  wealth  warm  and  aniutat^  the  dull 
cold  Feet  of  Clay,  but  the  Marquess,  by  grasping  Wuite  S'ick,  shows 
himself  a  meek,  a  humble,  self-denying  Christian.  Ho  might  be  % 
Prince  \  his  acts  most  priucely  in  the  widest  und  loftiest  sense  of  tho 
phrase — but  he  shrinks  from  the  ostentation.  He  retires  within  him^ 
self,  and  stands  iu  the  Court  of  Queen  Yictoeia,  with  his  mind  in 
nluah- his  soul  in  livery  (lowliness  bound  up  with  hope,  with  crest  of 
usb-and-loaf  on  livery  buttons) — Lord  Steward* 

That  he  may  long  so  stand ;  a  monument  of  humility,  is  the  deaire  of 
at  once  his  Friend  and  llod, 

White  SncK. 


aOIIfO  TBB  WBOUI  rtuNKn 


Hose  Literary  Intelligence. 

We  gave  a  week  or  two  ago  the  titles  of  a  few  books,  suggested  by 
the  success  of  "Tukket  a^d  its  DESTUir."  Since  then  the  flight  of 
authors  has  set  in  still  more  strongly  towards  the  poultrv-yard,  and  we 
have  heard  of  a  publisher — much  addicted  to  coiinling  his  chicitens  before 
they  are  hatched — who  anticipates  immense  success  for  the  following  :—> 

"SWJLK  AXD   ITS  TWO  NECKS." 

"  QOOSE   AND  ITS  GBIDIHON." 

"  Olta&X  AJa»  HU  DUCKS,  THE  VAMItT   BIOOEAfBT  OV  A  CBLKAEATID 

MAVAL  iUSO." 


The  Dogs  of  Law. 

The  papers  give  au  account  of  the  sudden  intrusion  of  a  pack  of 
hounds  into  the  assise  court  of  Aylesbury.  The  ssgacious  creatures 
thottght,  perlup^,  they  had  quite  as  good  a  right  to  aive  tongue  as  any 
of  the  learned  l>arnstprs.  There  is  nothing,  after  all,  so  very  absurd  in 
the  idea  of  a  pack  of  hounds  appearing  in  court,  for  it  is  simply  a  slight 
anticipation  of  the  usual  course  of  things,  and  instead  of  waiting  for  the 
smtors  to  go  to  the  dogs,  the  dogs,  in  thu  case,  went  to  the  suitors. 


Vol.  XVIIL— 1100. 


"^^.»&^. 


122 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


SIGNS  OF  THE  TIMES. 

JVm  tke  Red  Unm  to  tU  Spread  Soffle, 

t  exfavsitx 
Fkdsnd. 

"  1  b»ve 
been  deepl7 
touched  hj  the 
affectionate  zeal 
— andyou  must 
have  been  se- 
creting the  good- 
neu  lor  a  long 
time — that  you 
have  BO  sud- 
denly exhibited 
towurdf  Greece. 
You  have  really 
bowels —  boweU 
in  the  sympa- 
thetic sense. 
That  you  have 
double  beak, 
and  double  gul- 
let,  Hungary 
is    a    manffled, 

bleeding  witness:  bat  that  you  should  reallv  hare  a  heart  to  pulsate 
for  '  a  braTe  people '  is  a  truth  that — like  all  great  truths— it  will  take 
some  time  for  the  incredulous  and  apathetic  English  to  be  reconciled  to. 
"  Ion  have  taken  little  Otho  under  your  wing.  We  hare  before 
heard  the  storr  of  the  f^le  and  GhUd ;  but  you,  in  your  astonishing 
goodness,  afford  a  prettier  and  more  buoiane  Tersion  of  the  tale.  You 
do  not  propose  to  make  a  meal  of  the  young  gentleman ;  you  have  no 
beak— not  either  of  t  he  two— for  any  bit  of  Greece,  and  ai  for  Turkey. 
Tou  can't  abide  it  No  :  your  intentions  are  almost  dove-like ;  baring 
been  glutted  with  carrion  on  the  fields  of  Hungary,  yoa  wouldn't 

*  rumple  the  feathen  of  a  Barbary  hen.' 

"  Well,  it  muflt  be  confessed  that  Otho  has  been  hardly  used  hj  that 
hard-hearted  FAUOBaTOir.  A  neat  man  ia  debt  is  alwi^s  a  subject  of 
interest.  Tradesmeoi  may  smash  by  the  score,  and  it  u  of  no  more 
account  to  a  thinkiog  people  than  the  bursting  of  so  many  sou>-bubb!e8; 
but  a  king — nay,  sooa  a  bit  of  %  kingling  as  small  Otho — in  difficulties, 
is  a  sight  to  miike  enan  CoionifionK  CouKTOiaiEE  Philups  melt, 
lika  brass  in  the  funutoe. 

'^  And  after  all,  Otho  was  right  not  to  par  his  debts.  He  had  been 
so  long  let  alone  br  PixiutBaTOir,  that  when  sea-attorney  Fabub 
served  the  writ,  with  a  few  forty-two  pounders  to  proceed  to  execution 
— Otuu  bad,  in  his  own  belief,  sufficient  justification  to  cry  '  llobbery,' 

*  Piracy/  aod  'Murder!*  How  could  Otho— knowing  himself— expect 
that  the  plain  and  plodding  M&.  Wtse  meant  what  he  said,  when,  in 
tJi(!  ftimi>|eH,t  manner — and  without  any  Court  varnish  at  all — he 
inJoniicJ  M.  LoKDOS  that  War-Secretary  Palmebston  was  by  no 
means  a  man  to  be  trifled  with  P  That  he  had  ships  and  metal  at  sea  to 
back  his  demands :  and  a  wise  and  fluent  tongue  in  his  head  to  juslifr 
them?  Is  it  extraordinary  that  Oriio  should  forget  that  little  brush 
at  Acre  F  By  no  means ;  for,  to  all  experience,  kings  are  sieves ; 
nothing— as  Louis-PHiLtpPf,  now  of  the  Star-and- Garter,  Richmond — 
nothing  remains  with  them. 

"It  is  very  true,  my  Expansive  Double-Headed  Friend,  that  the  dirty 
money  claim  put  in  by  Mb.  Wyse  did  not  amount  to  a  thousand 
poonds.  Not  half  as  much  as  Lady  Palmebston  lays  out  in  a  season 
of  evenbg  parties :  it  is  very  true  that  the  Greek  Treasury— to  say 
nothing  of  Otho*s  private  money-box — contained  somewhere  about 
nine  hundred  pounds:  but  then,  what  an  extortionate  creditor  to 
expect,^  even  under  such  circumstances,  a  peuuy  in  i^yment  P  England 
had  quietly  waited  so  long,  it  could  be  no  matter  if  she  continued  to 
wait  longer.  Besides,  it  is  well  known,  that  of  all  countries  of  the 
earth,  £ni^and  has  least  need  of  mouev.  At  this  moment  there  are 
miliiona  lying  barren  in  her  Bank  cellars.  And  yet  Palmebston 
bulliea  for  a  dirtv  nine  hundred  pounds!  Bullies  Greece,  above  all 
other  nations !  Greece  that  has  given  us  Hover,  Plato,  Sophocles, 
■ad  the  Elgin  Marbles  I  In  the  immortal  words  of  a  small  minister, 
now  departed—'  It  is  too  bad.' 

"  Proceeding  to  extremities.  Lobd  Palmebston  at  this  moment  holds 
about  60  Greek  ships,  with  the  crews  of  each,  as  a  security  not  only 
for  the  money  due  from  Greece,-- but  to  assure  himself  of  satisfaction 
for  a  certain  act  of  Implied  ill-mannert  towards  a  few  English  blue- 
iaokets.  Thia  is  really  shameful.  But  then  the  Greek  owners  and 
Greek  orewi  must  be  mightily  comforted  by  the  distress  yoa  feel  for 
them.  The  more  so  as  your  sympathy  is  warm  and  new,  like  new- 
dnwB  milk.  Hungary  was  a  matter  to  make  a  meal  upon ;  so  much 
nrbage.  Bui  Qreeoe  classic  Greeoe*  dear  to  the  BAissian  breast^ 
Greece  is  a  land  to  feel,  and  if  oooaiioa  be,  to  weep  for  1 


"There  is  no  doubt,  my  Wide-spread  Friend,  but  the  abrupt  and 
oontnmeliona  Paucbbston— who  doea  somehow,  with  that  adroit  way 
of  Us,  get  over  the  English  Commons — by  accepting  the  services  of  the 
Gallic  Cock  to  crow  bcrifween  him  and  Otho^  did  treat  your  £xten8iT»< 
ness  with  a  spice  of  oontempt— with  just  a  pinch  of  it.  But  then  how 
serenely,  bow  beantifoUy.  how  benevolently,  did  you  turn  the  War- 
Ministers  iU*mannen  to  ^;ood  aooonnt !  You  cared  nothing  for  per- 
sonal dignity,  not  yon. — if  it  was  for  the  welfare  of  Greece.  »>  Otho 
was  made  comfortable,  you  cared  not  how  much  your  feathers  wero 
plucked  or  draggled.  This  is  so  unlike  vour  donble-headedness,  that 
plain  people  are  at  once  charmed  and  puzaled  with  it. 

"I  fear,  however,  that  you  will  make  nothing  of  FAuraBSTOH :  now 
northern  Abebseen  was  another  sort  of  person.  Palmebeton,  it  is 
said,  continually  keeps  John  Bull  in  hot  water ;  but  if  he  does,  he  at 
least  keeps  his  hands  clean,  which  could  not  be  said  of  him  when  oared 
for  by  the  auld  Scotch  wife  who  'did'  the  Foreign  before  Pkxabj) 
Palmebston. 

"  Accept  my  best  wishes  for  your  growing  benevolence— seeing  you 
have  moulted  your  old  feathers— and  believe  me,  with  every  sign  of 
respect, 

"Yours, 

"The  Red  Lion." 

[Mr.  pMnek,  in  his  wise  impartiality,  thinks  it  only  fair  to  let  the 
"  Ked  Lion  "  have  his  roai^-since  much  may  be  roared  on  both  aides.] 


HOW  TO  SAVE  THE  TIME  OF  THE  SESSION. 

All  persons,  both  in  and  out  of  Parliament,  seem  to  agree  that  It  will 
be  desirable  during  the  present  session  to  be  economical  of  time,  a  com- 
modity with  regard  to  wbich  there  has  usually  been  the  wildest  extr»> 
vagancr.  A  suggestion  has  been  thrown  out  that  several  membera 
should  be  allowed  to  spuk  at  cue  time,  an  idea  which  we  have  long 
entertained,  and  with  which  we  have  on  a  former  occasion  entertained 
the  public.  There  would  be  an  immense  saving  effected  by  this  arrange- 
ment, for  inasmuch  as  the  speeches  if  spoken  in  unison  would  in  all 
probability  not  be  heard,  the  unpleasant  necessity  of  a  reply  would  be 
avoided.  A  dull  speech  it  bad  enough  of  itself,  but  the  worst  of  it  is, 
that  it  may  ^ve  rise  to  a  duller  answer,  and  thus  when  a  mere  talker 
gets  upon  hu  lega  we  never  know  the  end  of  it.  Speaking  to  no  end 
at  all  IS  quite  a  senatorial  failing,  and  the  conversiou  of  a  number  of 
harangues  into  a  chorus  would  certainly  assist  the  members  to  keep 
time  instead  of  losing  it.  Personalities  would  also  be  checked,  for  two 
angry  speeches  going  on  at  onoe  would  neutralise  each  other  to  a  great 
extent,  and — to  make  use  of  a  chemical  term — would  correct  each 
other's  acidity. 


STOCK  EXCHANGE. 


The  following  is  part  of  a  letter  from  Mr.  Punck't  Brokers, 
Messrs.  Stao,  Diddle,  and  Bolteb  :— 

"  The  S^indleton  Exteniiions  are  beared  heavily,  and  so  are  the  Gam- 
inontown  Continuations.  I  think  the  latter  would  be  safe  at  1«.  Zd.  to 
U  4M.  nett.    Shall  I  take  1000  or  1500  P 

"A  Director  of  the  Bubbleton  Junction  has  failed,  having  sold  optiona 
krg^lj,  and  this  event  has  occasioned  a  lively  demand  for  Squeaktown 
Preferci^cen.  May  I  take  500  of  these  at  94.  6d.  ?  The  news  from 
^Kuce  is  »Urmittg.  The  Pbesidemt  has  been  iired  at,  and  came  away 
hy  the  tbiri-class  eveniog  train,  with  only  a  change  of  linen.  The 
Socialist*  are  triumphant  evprywbere.  May  I  bear  Paris  and  Bjouen's 
for  you  'f  You  may  sell  1500  or  2000  to  deliver,  safely.  By  the  by, 
what  do  you  say  to  a  fly  at  Dragglestone  and  Dripstones  ?  They  are 
tikel^  to  he  a  good  thinfr;  Swikdle  and  Snafp  are  enquiring  for  them; 
6fi.  h  offered  and  7id.  would  be  taken  for  the  pre- 
ferencfs  7i  per  cent,  shares,  including  the  dividends 
now  due,  which  will  be  paid  out  of  the  firat  funds 
coming  in  to  capital  i  ccount. 


"Yours, 
Stag,  Diddle,  and  Bolteb." 


1 


Nature's  Uvery. 

We  have  lately  witnessed  a  great  tendency  to  what  Cabltlb  would 
call  flnnkeydom.  on  the  part  of  our  old  friend  Nature,  who  is  beginning 
to  put  on  her  livery  of  green  for  the  season  that  ha^  just  commenoel 
Her  little  lawns  may  be  compared  to  velvet  smalls,  and  every  flower  ia 
a  livery  button,  while  the  pastures  look  as  if  she  was  preparing  to  stuff 
her  calves.  Before  the  end  of  the  autunm  we  shall  find  I^ure  wcariu 
the  epaulettes  of  a  golden  harrest,  which,  however,  will  be  all  thraaheS 
out  of  her  by  the  tdoae  of  the  year. 


pp 


PUNCU,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


123 


k 


1^ 


KNIFE-AND-FOBK  EXHIBTTTON   AT  TlfE 

MANSION-HOUSE. 

W«  are  proud  of  Eneland— prouder  of  London— mort  proud  of 
London's  Mayor.  Very  beautiful  wm  it  Iwt  week  to  8oc  his  ijordtbip, 
the  type  ftcd  rcprrspntAtire  of  the  commercial  frrcatness  of  the  snioky 
capital,  sunounded  by  all  tlic  Mayors  of  tbe  kingdom. 

"  IJks  «  ■wwrt  IlidUn  with  hU  bfit  ol  beada, ' 

U  was  ft  itraud  nietropolilan  disb.  handsomely  fc*rni»bed! 

HiK  RnvAL  HiGRNESs  PiiiME  Alubkt  ituowcd,  too,  a  full-hlowa 
pink  of  Vriuces.  Nothing  could  be  better  tbnn  bis  speech.  Simply 
giTfti,  and  strong  with  good  Saxon  sense.  There  was  no  diaper,  no 
snip-snip  about  it :  no  uiuslin  matter,  worked  with  gold  and  silver- 
thread  ;  hut  a  man  B  speech,  uttered  lor  the  ears  and  hearts  of  men 
brought  together  upon  two  vital,  national  occasions ;— dinner  and  work. 
Glad  sre  we  that  Prince  ALbEnx  Uaa  thrown  "his  hat"  into  the  great 
ring  of  the  world's  industry.  Delifihicd  txi  acknowledge  that  be  has 
minded  his  PvmcK  and  retired  from  fel'. 

The  Archbishop  or  C'ANTKKBrut  spoke  like  an  Archbishop.  He 
was  alraid  that  the  Church  mii;ht  he  indilTerent  to  the  purposes  of  the 
Exhibition*  they  being  secular.  Why  should  bis  Grace  nare  harboured 
such  a  modest  doubt  ?  Tbe  Exhibition  will  be  the  means — it  is  ex- 
pected—of icivinr  us  domestic  comforts  made  more  comfortable  :  softer 
carpets — easier  cliairs—linen  of  a  finer  weh,  and  purple  of  deeper  and 
wore  enduring  dye.  Can  the  Church  Yh'.  indifl"er<»nt  to  these  P  Can 
lAmbelb  neglect  them— can  Fulhani  hold  them  as  dust  in  the  balance  P 
We  hope  not.  Agnin  ;  the  Exhibition  will  have  one  j>eculiar  feature 
interesting  to  all  nations ;  for  it  is  whispered  that  it  is  the  intention  of 
BisuoF  ruiLforrs  to  exhibit  himself  in  sackcloth  and  cinders,  as  a 
model  rpccimen  of  the  meekest  of  martyrs. 

Tlie  French  Ambassador  clubbed  some  exceltent  English.  Indeed, 
should  bis  Kxcellency  ever  translate  any  of  his  native  vaudevilica  for  auy 
Enffli^h  theatren,  we  predict  that  his  success  would  be  prodigious ! 

Then  followed  House  of  Lords  and  House  of  Commons ;  the  healths 
of  Prime  Minister  and  Kx-Prime — of  Lady  Mayoress  and  of  all  the 
Mayors— [it  was  calculated  that  their  united  gold  chains  would  have 
reached  from  London  (crossing  the  channel)  to  Dublin] — and  then  the 
Kakl  or  CMiLrsLB  rose,  and  gave  one  of  his  best  orations.  And  this 
was  no  wonder ;  for  it  was  the  health  of  "  the  Workmen  of  the  United 
Kingdom." 

This  toast,  as  will  be  inevitably  supposed,  jraa  received  with  nine 
times  nine  deafening  cheers,  and 

"  Tbe  IMnc0  of  all  1b«  boi] 

Ued  Uiein  on  I" 

Indeed  Pwneh  bas  rarely  witnessed — with  all  his  knife-and-fork  expe- 
rience—such emotion  ;  such  enthusiasm.  The  Prince  cheered — Church- 
men dropped  grateful  tears — Ambasfadors  embraced  one  another — 
liorda  and  Commons,  and  Commons  and  Lords  shook  hands — and  in 
fact,  one  and  all  acknowledged  the  toast  with  feelings  of  the  deepest 
gratitude.  They  reallv  appeared  to  vie  with  one  another  in  the  outward 
expresstoa  of  scknowleclgnient  and  thankfulness. 

When  the  excitement  bad  somewhat  subsided — 

A  Workiko-Man  (in  a  fustian  jacket)  arose  at  the  lower  end  of  the 
Hall,  and  the  profoondest  silence  immediately  ensued.  The  W\>nKJNO- 
Man  said — (bow  is  it  that  his  speech  was  omitted  from  all  the  news- 
paper*, it  is  not  our  buainesa  or  our  pleasure  to  inquire ;  it  is,  howevBr, 
oolh  to  aupply  what  others  have  failed  to  chronicle) — 

"Tour  Rotax  Highkess,  My  Lords  and  Gzxtlevek, 

"Ok  behalf  of  hundreds  of  thousands  of  the  working  men  of 
tbe  United  Kingdom,  1  am  here  to  thank  you.  Let  bye-gones  be  bye- 
KOnes;  but  this.  I  tlunk.  is  the  first  occaviun  that  Llie  fuaiian  jacket  baa 
been  acknowleaged  ana  received  by  snch  a  company,  ('//^ar '  from 
pBJNCE  Aldeht.]  But,  my  Lord*,  you  embolden  me  to  say  in  my  plain 
words  that  the  Meeting  would  hardly  have  been  complete  without  it. 
The  workiogmen  honour  tbe  supertine  coat  of  the  nobleman — and 
respect  tbe  lawn  of  the  Church.  {' Hear'  from  the  Lonn  Mayor's 
CAapfain.)  They  admire  and  are  grateful  to  I4ie  red-coat  of  the  tield, 
and  the  blue-jacket  of  tbe  ocean;  and  now.  Gentlemen,  such  feelings 
are  only  made  the  stronger  aud  the  deeper  by  *he  conviction  that  you 
have  a  somewhat  like  respect,  and  Uke  recollection  fur  the  fustian 
of  labour.  {Cheers.)  We  are  to  have,  it  seems,  an  Exhibition  of 
Work — a  great  World'a  Show-shon  for  the  skill  of  labouring  men ;  for 
we  are  all  labourers,  mind  ye,  wnetber  in  fustian  or  super-saxony. 
Ujanahter  and  Chters  '\  The  Workmen  of  England  rejoice  at  it !  Tbe 
norlLtnett  desire  nothing  twtter  than  to  know  their  brethren  of  the  rest 
of  the  world  ;  ami  to  know  them  as  men  are  best  known— by  tbeir 
works.  iChetrt.)  Well,  Geollenien,  we  Workmen  may  not  be  able  to 
talk  French  with  Frenchmrn,  and  German  with  Germans;  but  if  our 
tongues  aru't  skilled,  we  have  our  brama — our  bauds— and  our  eyes. 
We  can  talk  to  a  machine.  {CMera.)  That  speaks  all  laajguages.  A 
lever  '■  a  lever  all  over  the  world— a  piston 's  a  piston.    The;  talk  on 


ihe  Nile  m  well  as  on  the  Thames ;  and  Jack  CniiiAKAif— though  he 
may  be  pumled  a  bit  at  first — begins  to  undetfttand  Vm  as  well  as  JOHX 
Bull.  (Cheers.)  At  thisExliibilion  the  biidnii  and  h.'uidsof  all  the  world 
will  spTHk  one  common  tongue;  and  dei)eud  upon  i^  Lords  and  Gentle- 
men, the  Warkmruof  the  United  Kingdom  won't  go  to  the  show  without 
taking  ••nme  thoughts  and  iiotious  worth  a  bit  honie  with  them.  {Cheen^ 
Some  years  ago,  there  was  another  sort  of  Poreign  Exhibition  in  Londoa 
— of  a  sort,  I  hope,  we  shall  never  have  again, — an  Exhibition  of  Foreign 
Emperors,  aud  Kings,  and  Generali.  'Tisn't  that  1  care  about  object- 
ing to  tbem;  but  thev  wrre  brought  here  after  Walerloo — at  tbe  peace. 
Now,  I  hope  we  shall  never  have  another  such  celebration  of  ncaoe, 
because  to  hate  it,  we  must  have  a  war  to  be^n  with.  ('  Bravo*  from 
the  French  AmhatnaJor.)  Instead  of  the  Emperors  of  Kusaia  and 
Austria,  and  Kings  of  Pru^ia  aud  Holland,  »nd  Hetmans  of  Cossacks, 
and  BOfoKh,— let  us  have  a  Congress  of  Manufacturers;  let  all  those 
kings  send  their  rr^prMcntativcs  to  the  great  show-shop  in  Hvde  Park, 
and  depend  upon  it,  they  'il  have  n  hearty  welcome  from  the  '  Workmen 
of  tbe  United  Kingdom  '  " 

Tfa«  Bprnker  then  sat  down  amidst  loud  and  long- re  iterated  cheers. 
He  was,  however,  scarcely  seated,  when  he  was  summoned  to  t)ie 
presence  of  pKiiittK  Auikkt,  who  shook  him  heartily  by  the  hand; 
acknowledging  thft  prculiur  obligations  of  bin\self  ana  all  his  class  to 
the  fustian  JAcket — to  labour. 


THE  INFANT  PRODIGY.— THE  WHIG   SURPLUS. 


Mt  name  is  Surplus,    On  the  various  Bills 
My  master  something  dock' d— a  frugal  Whig, 
Whose  constant  care  was  to  increase  his  store, 
And  kefp  his  overplus,  myself,  in  band  ; 
But  1  bad  heard  of  squadroDs,  and  1  longed 
To  join,  on  Afric'a  coast,  some  oosllv  fleet. 
And  the  House  granted  what  *tvouId  have  denied. 
Lord  John,  who  rose  one  night  as  bold  as  hrHss, 
Would  not  draw  in  his  horns  ;  when,  at  his  beck, 
A  band  of  waverers  from  Bei.lamt*s 
Hushed,  Itke  soft  water,  down  into  tbe  House, 
Voting  in  flocks  and  herds. 

'Twas  done,  they  said, 
For  safety  and  for  succour.    Hi'rr,  alone. 
With  long  harangue  aud  speech  full  of  quotations, 
Hover'd  about  the  ministry — to  stop 
The  wajr  ther  took.    Then  beating  up  his  frienda 
Consistuig  of  a  miscellaneous  set. 
Went  on  attacking.    The  affair  Hrrr  led : 
Fought,  and  was  cooquer'd.    Kre  a  vote  was  given 
A  whip  from  Downiug  Street  hsd  done  the  job, 
Which  wore  that  day  the  hue  which  now  it  wears. 
Hetuming  home  ia  triumph,  they  diadain'd 
Economy's  dull  life,  and  luiTiog  heard 
That  some  null  chief  was  threatening  in  our  eara 
To  raise  a  row  on  the  world'a  other  aide. 
I  left  the  public  chest,  and  took  with  me 
Some  millions  more  to  bear  lae  company. 
One  sum  that  runs  makes  others  rnn  the  faster. 
Voted  with  this  intent,  I  bur.tt  the  coffers. 
And— fool'd  away — 1  soon  stiall  go  and  do 
Some  senteleaa  de«d  to  wipe  out  e'en  my  name. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


f 


SINGULAR     OPTICAL    DELUSION. 

GeniUman.  "Thim,  Love:  Do  tou  61b  that  Stej^mer?'*  Lad^.  "Oh,  distikcilt!   Thbbe  MXt  two." 


THE  MAYORS  AND  THE      WHONGS. 

Wb  b&ve  received  communications  from  two  Mavorf«,  who  expreaa 
tl)^mBelvrs  hurt  at  Ihor  onii»Mon  fiom  the  Imig  list  bt  htftynri  invitpd 
the  o;her  dny  to  the  Mauaion  House.  The  first,  ol  tbene  cdiiplaiuunts 
is  the  well'kiiovii  Maj/or  ^  Qarratt,  who,  though  his  whole  career  has 
been  &  farce,  feela  indignant  at  havinfc  been  excluded  from  a  nieeMny 
which  mtiBt  have  contained  many  cbaractera  as  ludicrous  as  his  own, 
and  he  does  not  see  why,  in  his  own  Garratt,  he  is  not.  as  good  as  the 
London  Lord  Mayor  in  his  drswinff-room. 

The  second  expOBtul«nt  is  Ihe  Lord  Mayor  in  Rifhard  iht^  Third, 
who  writes  through  his  represent ative,  Mr.  Gabkick  Giumks,  of  the 
Stoke  Po^is  Theatre,  and  who  intiniates  tha'  he  ought  to  havr  rew-ived 
aeardof  uiTitation,  inasmuch  as  his  elevatioti  to  tbe  Lnrd  Ma>oraliy 
dates  as  far  back  at  tbe  year  1826,  when  he  first  took  office  under  the 
inonarobT  of  Mb.  Sdhund  Kbaic,  having  been  nromoted  from  the 
"cream-faced  loon"  in  Marbeik,  where  his  "goose  look"  was  regarded 
as  a  bit  of  quiet  nature,  unsurpassed  for  its  truthfulneBs.  So  thoruupliljr 
did  he  throw  himself  into  the  character  of  the  "  cream-faced  lof^n,"  i  hat 
he  always  took  m  a  pint  of  milk  over  night,  in  order  to  get  himself  up 
with  real  cream,  which  he  always  regarded  as  the  gmnd  feature  of  the 
part  as  Sharsfeabe  wrote  it. 

We  certainly  think  that  it  was  a  serious  omission  to  learo  out  such  a 
Mayor  as  this  from  the  Mansion  House  Banquet,  but  we  beUeve  the 
potentate  of  the  City  of  London  was  not  to  bUnie,  though  we  cannot 
aav  who  is,  and  we  must  therefore  l>e  satisfied  with  taking  tbe  saddle 
off  the  right  horse— or  the  right  Mayor,  at  any  rateu 


TovirG  CHiKA.  AW  CGionitcn, 


iKntuoMcit  from  Hong-Kong  states  that  "Long  Cloths"  have 
improved.    Trade,  in  China,  appears  Ui  be  still  in  ita  infancy. 


WHAT'S  TO  BECOME  OF  THE  MARBLE  ARCHP 

Now  that  BucLiuphant  Palace  is  getting  info  a  statoof  completeness, 
the  Marble  Arch  is  in  everybody's  mouth,  for  all  are  aakinf^  what  is  to 
be  done  with  it  f  It  baa  been  stated  that  tbe  process  of  carting  it  away 
wiil  cost  more  than  the  whole  concern  is  worth,  and  as  Joh.n  Bvll  is 
not  in  the  humour  to  pay  vcrv  dearly  for  another  game  at  marbles,  we 
cannot  exactly  pay  how  the  affair  is  to  be  disposed  of.  Perhaps  tbe  beet 
mode  of  dealing  with  the  difficulty  will  be  to  take  the  Arch  into  the 
Court  ot  Arches,  by  which  process  the  most  substantial  piece  of  property 
in  the  whole  world  conld  be  effectuftllv  got  rid  of.  Somehow  or  other. 
the  monsirouB  pile  of  masonry  must,  be  recrovr  d,  and  the  couutr/  will 
be  obliged  to  an]  body  who  will  patriotically' give  his  head  to  the  unsightly 
block,  with  tbe  view  of  doing  away  with  it. 


4 


THE  HEIGHT  OF  FLUNKEYISM. 

In  Mr,  Caultle'8  "la/fer  DavPamohift;*  No.  1.,  "  7%e  PrtteMi 

Time*'  Mr.  Pvnrk  encountered  Ibe  BUDjoined  piece  of  enigmatical 

phraseology : 

'*  O^ttjai^mrJuyitm  grown  trnenlcDt  and  tmuceDdant.** 

The  interpretation  of  this  dark  writing  did  sorely  puEzle  Mr.  Punch  till 
Friday  last  week,  when  the  Time9  nude  the  announcement  following: — 

"  We  hare  Uw  utlifWcUon  of  innc^inring  Owt  Ow  ICabqdsm  of  Wsmuvrm,  tba 
mo<l  opulent  tcvmbn*  of  lh«  r.nglUh  n'MMiij,  bM  fijully  atUloed  th»  ol>j«ol  of  hto 
1U&  ftnd  li  iippoiDted  to  tbe  offins  of  liord  Stewutl,  Willi  Om  ftiU  prlrll«««  of  currlng  a 
VUM  Ulek  abotit,  like  Puiomidi  In  th«  plAf,  wlieii«*er  tbe  Quvni  fflvw  a  p«rty  to 
tba  llegw." 

Tlie  cruel  self- degradation  of  a  nobleman  into  a  lackey  is  flonkerisni 
which  may  well  be  called  "  truculent."  That  it  is  "  opaque,"  or  daik» 
and  "  transcendent,"  or  surpassing  all  bonnds,  ia  too  obvious  to  rvquire 
demonstration. 


» 


1 


TABLEAU    VIVANT. 


LORD  JOHN  AS  THE  INFANT  HERCITLES. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


127 


THE  GREAT  VALUE  OF  RETIREMENT. 

T  retirement  »  mao  gftinB  a  gre&t  good. 
It  takes  a  man  awa^  from  the  oasy 
world,  and  leavBt  lum  face  to  face 
with  himself,  wlicn  be  viewa  his 
conduct  io  tbe  mirror  of  hit  tbou^hta, 
and,  by  the  aid  of  reflectioQ,  adjusts 
hii  morals ;  in  the  same  way  that  a 
young  man  pulls  up  his  shirt  collars 
when,  unseen,  in  some  retired  comer 
of  the  street,  a  fflaas  tells  bim  they 
bare  fallen  a  little  too  low.  I  am  so 
food  of  retirement,  that,  if  I  were 
Lord  Chaiicell9r,  nothing  should 
prevent  me  seeking  it  to-morrow.  It 
itittst  be  »o  awcet,  I  think,  to  r^tire 
with  £5000  a  year!— r/fl  BwdU  of 
th9  Ereier  Arcade  on  Solitude. 


EXTRAORDINARY  MEETING   OP  THE  LAW 
AMENDMENT  SOCIETY. 

Tuts  admirable  society,  says  our  reporter,  had  an  extraordinary 
meeting  a  few  nigbta  ago:  and  although  we  strongly  suspect  our 
corroapondent  of  having  made  the  meeting  first,  and  then  reported  it— 
a  U  Tom  Thumb  and  the  giants— we  ncvertlielcMs  give  bim  tbe 
benefit  of  the  "  copy  "  ho  has  prepared,  by  inserting  tbe  account  that 
foUowa: —  ,  J  1.      L     ■ 

LoKD  Brouoram,  as  usual,  took  the  chair,  and  opened  the  business 
of  the  meetiDK  by  writing  two  letters  at  one*,  thinking  of  somelhing 
elw.  talking  about  sundry  matters,  and  exclaiming,  "Now  then, 
what's  the  business  before  us  for  this  evening?" 

Ma.  DuNUP  rose  to  present  his  report  on  Legal  Education. 

LoRii  BaoDOBOi— Oh!  ah!  EsAcrly.  I'm  sure  we  are  very  much 
obliged  tn  you  for  coming  here,  Mh.  Duwdp.  I  dare  say  you  can  tell 
us  a  good  deal.     Now  then,  gi»e  us  the  benefit  of  your  experieuce. 

Mn  Dmnjp  proceeded  to  state  that  the  system  of  education  for  the 
bar  was  very  defective,  and  nnneoeaaarily  elaborate.  Ho  bad  beard 
that  a  fee  of  a  hundred  guineas  wii  usually  given  to  an  Equity  Drafti- 
man  to  teach  the  student  to  draw  a  bill.  Whereas,  he  (Mk.  Duutjp) 
had  been  taught  to  draw  a  bill  and  accept  one  too,  for  half  the  money. 
He  bad  also  heard  much  from  time  to  time  of  tbe  intricaciea  of  an 
answer;  for  a  bill  and  answer  usually  go  together.  But  he  (Mb. 
Duirup)  had  always  one  answer  to  every  bill— and  tlial  was,  "  Not  at 
home,"  through  the  letter-box ;  or,  when  tbe  answer  was  in  writing. 
"Gone  out.  lleturn  in  an  hour,**  waa  the  form  in  which  bo  answered 
every  hill  tliat  waa  served  upon  bim.  ,.         ■  .       , 

As  to  interrogatories  they  had  become  such  a  disgostmg  matter  of 
ronrine,  that  he  bad  adopted  one  uniform  practice  of  refusing  everything 
to  everybody  who  asked,  and  considering  that  those  who  did  not  ask 
did  not  want  anything.  When  he  bad  endeavoured  to  answer  an  inter- 
rogatory, he  (Mh.  Dcnup)  found  he  was  only  opening  tbe  door  to  abuse, 
and  as  he  would  not  stand  to  be  abused,  he  now  opened  the  door  to 
nobody.  'This  waa  the  school  in  which  he  bad  learnt  the  law,  and  such 
waa  the  report  on  legal  education  he  was  prepared  to  lay  before  tbe 
meeting. 

LoKU  Brocgham.  Very  kkkL  A  verv  valuable  report  in  its  way, 
no  doubt,  Mr.  Dtjnitp.  and  1  sball  be  glad  to  have  a  copy  of  it.  For 
my  part.  I  have  a  total  objection  to  the  present  mode,  by  which  pupiU 
give  a  hundred  euineas,  or,  as  the  lawyers  oaU  them,  goM-^ht  worst 
name  in  the  worm,  since  trom  sucti  Qas  there  proceeds  no  enlightenment 
whatever.  When  I  went  into  Mi.  (afterwards  Chief  Justice)  Tisdal's 
cbarabers,  i  was  told  to  copy  anything  I  could  catch  hold  of,  and  rhc 
result  was,  I  got  so  sick  of  copying  in  early  life,  that  I  have  since 
become  quite  an  original.  At  fidmburgh  I  used  to  attend  Latin 
lectures,  and  when  we  were  questioned,  if  the  question  began  with 
hfimttf,  we  said  Btiam  ;  and  if  it  began  with  A»  we  said  Non;  bo  what 
with  the  Notu  and  \Ji\t  J^onnet,  it  was  a  pack  of  nonsense  altogether. 
His  lordship  having,  during  this  speech,  written  several  more  letters, 
rose  from  his  seat,  rushed  out  of  tbe  room,  and  left  tbe  meetiog  to 
adjonm  itself. 

BAUiT  EI&IMQ  KXTS&OaDIKAJlT. 
At  the  Marlborough  Street  Police  Court^  last  week,  two  persons  were 
brought  up  for  having  pruciised  imposition  on  the  Durb  op  Wel- 
lington.   To  take  in  his  Grace — if  there  is  any  t  rulh  in  proverbs — they 
must  have  got  up,  as  Sajctixl  Pepys  says,  *'  mighty  betimes." 

Ah  Advocatb  fo»  the  Rjepbal  or  tui  Wihdow-Tax.— *'  Open 
the  ahutlers,  and  let  u  more  light."— 71*«  LmS  Word*  qf  Oifith. 


THE  HOBNAIL  SHOE  PINCHDTG. 

"  Mb..  Pttwch. 

"  FucAsa  Snr,  T  rites  to  inform  y;oa  that  my  Wagfs,  I  am  sorry 
to  say,  is  to  be  lored  from  10  shilus  to  7  shilns  a  week,  witch  vrith  a  wife 
and  8  children  is  m  bad  Jobb.  I  works  for  Faemeb  Pmcuen,  and  be 
tells  me  Corn  ha'  fell  so,  that  a  can't  aflbord  to  gie  us  tbe  Wagis  we  have 
a  had  no  moor.  Wen  1  told  un  'twas  a  hard  case,  '  Well.*  a  sez,  'artar 
all  you  wun't  be  wnas  off  than  you  wus  in  the  old  Purtccitsbun  timea. 
Peiviabuns  and  Close  has  come  down  so  much  since  then,  that  7  Shilna 
will  be  as  much  to  you  now  as  10  wus  vormerly.  Wot  you  loses  as  a 
Producer  you  gains  as  a  Consoomer.*  '  Consoomcr!*  1  sex  to  un« '  tia 
preshus  little  1  consooms.  Owin  to  Vree  Trade  I've  oonsoomed  a 
liUle  Mate  now  and  then  o'  late,  instead  o'consoomun  nothun  but  dry 
Bred  and  Tnturs^  which  waa  all  as  I  had  to  oonsoom  in  the  days  o' 
Purtecksbun.  Now  1  must  goo  back  to  Tatura  and  dry  Bred  agin,  I 
rpose.*  'Sorry  for  that,' sez  PtKcmiR  'But  wot  ood  ye  ba  me  do? 
The  Labour  Market  drops  vri'  the  Com  Market.  1  pays  you  fair 
Market  price.  Ye  doan't  expect  me  to  meak  ye  a  prrznt  o*  dree  Sbilns 
a  week,  do  ye  V  *  No  Sur.'  I  sei,  *  certainly  no*.'  Catch  un  makun  a 
preznt  to  anybody  of  a  rarden  !  thiaka  I ;  but  I  kep  that  ere  thought 
to  myrelf. 

"Now,  hr.  Punch,  I  doan't  nay  but  if  Failmer  Pincu  bk's  proffits  drops, 
he  bo  quite  right  to  lore  Wages.  Let  un  cut'em  down  Right  and  Left. 
But,  drat  it,  cut  'em  down  both  ways.  Here's  the  Vflrnier,  as  I  may 
say,  atween  me  and  the  Lanlord;  I  on  one  band  of  un  and  the  Lan- 
lord  on  t'other.  The  Yarmer  hires  Land  o'  the  Lanlord  and  Labour 
o'  me.  If  he  lores  the  Hire  o'  Labour,  why  not  the  Hire  o*  Land  as 
well  P  Why  begin  wi'  Hire  o'  Labour  ?  For  no  razon  as  I  can  see  but 
that  poor  Labour  can't  help  his  self,  so  tlie  wakeat  is  the  fiut  to  goo  to 
the  WaU. 

"  Inkum  bf  in  the  same  and  prices  ledooced  laves,  they  tells  me,  a 
Surplus.  I  doan't  know  as  I  ever  had  much  of  a  Surplus  in  the  beat 
o'  times,  unless  you  calls  a  Zmock  Frock  a  Surplus.  But  wot  a  Surplua 
tbe  Lanloni  must  have  with  his  Wages  kep  up  and  things  so  cheap  as 
they  be.  Surely  bis  Surplus  could  be  took  in  more  easy  than  mine. 
Here's  Sib RET^AKI>CHlv^I.  Lanlord o*Mji.PiNcnza,wj*  somewhera 
about  Dree  Thousand  a  Year,  lives  like  a  Lord.  Low  prices,  X  be  told, 
IB  a  save  to  the  Consoomer.  Compared  to  SiA  Kbtvaed,  1  consooms 
arter  the  rate  of  a  varden  rushlile  in  proposhun  to  a  bomun  vierf 
fumus.  Here 's  a  feller  as  aaves  money  in  consoomun  all  manner  o' 
good  thingt.  '  Shear  and  shear  alike,'  the^  sea,  but  I  be  sure  be  eould 
affoord  to  have  bis  wages  abear'd  afore  mme.  But  Fair  Play  's  a  iool, 
and  a  pore  man  is  oa  like  to  meet  with  it  as  find  a  Dimond.  1  *ve 
beer'd  o'  the  Fruits  o'  Vree  Trade.  I  wish  there  could  be  made  a  Apple 
Sass  out  on  'em  as  ood  be  Sass  for  Gofrse  as  well  as  for  Gander.  Yours 
til  Deth— witch  i  spoae  wii  be  in  the  Workua.  Hobmao." 


A  Shot  for  OoTemment. 

OffB  ot  the  slight  objections  to  the  maintenance  of  the  African 
blockade  is  that  a  round  shot,  fired  by  a  Britiah  cruiser  at  a  slkve-ship^ 
is  «s  likely  as  not  to  take  an  unfortunate  direction,  and  go,  crashing, 
right  through  tbe  negroes.  Anxious  to  prevcut  ibis  little  inconvenience 
to  the  blacks  from  continuing  to  attend  our  operations  in  their  behalf, 
tbe  Government,  Mr.  Funch  is  authorised  in  stating,  will  give  a  band- 
some  reward  to  anybody  who  shall  invent  a  cannon-ball  that  can  be 
warranted  to  avoid  the  captives  in  tbe  slaver,  and  only  liit  tbe  crew,  or 
at  lea;st  to  traverse  the  negroes  without  doing  them  any  barm. 


COMTUIVED   success   OP       THE   BLDEH  BBOTHZB." 

The  failure  of  Mr,  Locu  Kilo's  motion  for  distributing  landed 
propertT,  in  cases  of  intestacy,  according  to  the  same  rules  as  prevail  in 
personal  property,  leaves  the  Elder  Brother  in  possession  of  hll  the 
advantages  which  he  has  so  long  enjoyed  under  tbe  law  of  priuiOgeniture. 


They  don't  kaow  &  Joke  -when  they  H«ar  One. 

Wb  always  thought  that  the  smallest  joke  went  the  greatest  way  in 
the  House  of  Commons,  and  that  honourable  members  were  too  ready 
to  Uugh  at  tbe  tiniest  bit  of  humour.  The  following  jeu-d'o^rii,  how- 
ever, was  received  by  them  in  the  gravest  manner. 

"MA.Hxn)soN  hoped,  from  a  Sense  or  Kightakd  Justice,  that  the 
Cbanoellorof  the  Exchequer  would,"  &c.    l^^ever  mind  the  remaimder,) 

The  House  never  even  as  much  as  smiled  ;  and  yet  to  bear  HuDsojr 
talking  of  "  RiCiRT  a.sd  JtsTiCB"  strikes  us  as  being  the  richest  joke 
in  the  world.    We  wonder  it  was  not  received  with  roars  I 


TSE  TASTE  Of  SLA^I-BUCAR. 


It  is  curious  that  the  British  palate — in  some  respects  sensitive  to 
squeamishness— should  not  revolt  at  the  smack  of  the  whip  perceptible 
in  slave-grown  sugar. 


]»H 


PUNCH.  OH  TIIK  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


WOOD  V.   ItUICK 


TiiH  <!iUNrri.i4Mi  nr 'iiiK  lUi  iiKgiiiKK  tiM  kiliiiiritUy  (linclMrffrU 
llin  iliily  itii|MiM<il  on  WihhL  liy  UkiiiK  Hm  ilnly  itliofcHlinr  (ifT  hrirk,  amt 
Itft  liM  Hum  liiiill.  I'nr  liiiM>plr  n  iiiiitMiim-tir.  ul  wliicli  rvnry  unU&nl  brick 
will  (iinii  iMii  of  Dip  roitniUtiiiii.  Ily  hoimp  it  Ititn  linpii  nukk***!'*'  ll>«'i 
mIipIih*  pMivrtl  liniiNPlI  wliitt  ii  Iri'liiiU'iiUy,  "r  ViiliTHiIyi  trritir<l  Hbriok| 
III*  tilioiilil  l)fl  nllnivrit  In  itllit  liiHiiiiiiir  rrum  Sir  ('iiAHLrs  W(h)|i  UiSlk 
riUHi.kii  Hull  K,  witlmiil  Hip  i  \iirii«n  ol  mi  A«t.  of  Purliiimriil.  It*  was 
mil  III  lip  RuiiiHiMnl  thni  Hip  1riii|itiM|c  opiHutiinily  fur  |nnm  wuuUbe 

IiUMpil  nvri  lir  IIirI  fi'pliti' hiiiuIpiI  piitLnf  Hip  iH)|mliiiioii  wliiuliiii  lo 
iiml  of  "piiliriinR  m  u  ilmililp  mm^r."  iiiiil  ii('i'ii|iir«  itHrlf  in  making 
|iiin",  iiiHiPi  limn  h  t(i|il  Hip  .loliiiiuiiinn  nlli'iim'ivp  of  ]^)H'kin|c  tHirkttU. 

Wp  luivn  Mpfivinl  npvriHl  liumlinli  ol  |i>(lrt)i,  inqiiirinK  wlirHirr  all 
iliily  ttllMin  lakpii  nil  Hip  ipkiiI»i  liiiikn,  nml  wlirHirr  wp  oiimflvf*.  aa 
thai  r\hwiiilniair  inrpnor  liiininu  rUy  "njully  liiiok/'  luiisl  hcUOcforUi 
l)p  iHtuaiilpiptl  aii,/«f-  ilia  >:!*"•■  ti,  iti  oil  iluty. 

\\f  i*HU  only  aay  Htnl,  iih  Ui  im  wi>  uir  ronrpiunl,  wp  tin  nut  mraii  in 
imr  cIihihoIpi  ol  *'liii('k"  In  iivml  outM'lvrn  ol  Hip  riruiiitiun  au 
UmUMv  ptmfriint  li)  Sin  riiiUMH  Wnon  upon  hnrka  iu  frrurral. 
'i'lip  itut>  itiipoHpJ  upon  UN  It  n  ittiti  UP  owp  la  oiirarlvi'!*,  as  wril  aa  to 
aoiMpI)  ,  Aiiil  UK  WP  i>Hn  m'\pi  !»•  r\iHrlr»i  lo  pay  onrM'lvon,  llu'  duly 
iniivl  iPiuniu  III  liMvr,  HtotiKli  vp  imii'imip  ooiiii'HuHy  (ll5oliarf;iiig  ll. 
Up«iiIp>,  Hip  ilulv  i«  nol  >pI  l:>kiMi  i^lT  miiiAKi!*.  »»•!  a»  wr  arr  the 
gipaunl  piililio  vpliiolp  lot  Hip  i*  tii\p)Hm'p  oi  pu'ivHiuik  Hial  la  kikhI, 
WP  oaiuiol  |t>  au)  moitr  i<l  lokMiK  aT  Hip  mKilri.bpiCKarilcil  as  ririiipl 
Iiimi  tlui\ 


».t1*V?  <•*    tfcV'v,'    IK* 


»»■,**' 


;";';V  Nv\v:   vss:s':vNV  siKvVcons  \.vs5 


\  ^  » 


'.v    *  \  >  , 


t^     A    ^ 


.*-.».■•.  ":■. *'^  ^  *.?>:•>»■   •  ''■in*'.  ».  »    .*?»- 

:  >»    •     •  ^vi'fc'^.s*   O*    .'•       '■••    V«v  rt*  *-7*    .;-.v..v.if  d-."' 

■„•     \>  ..  •     .-    .   \.  *.  .'V\*'v    -     *  *  ?*-'»   •■'    '''.VC. 

.»    *  ■,*^   «  »  I.  •.        *\»  --sV--*!*^  ■       '  *        '•-•    *fc'.*-  ■■•*•    r-'.-'Ti  y'-.*'i.  Z.    *W 

c>«      ■    '•■'    ■»«■■     **'  .    "■';  '■'*■■''     "v  >.  .>.    *•  k«>  ■*■».:    S.  "C^"''.  "- 

»■** -v-     t  .-v    1.V       1  ■    .*      •     .^■■•v'^-'i        .v'--^.S.r«''  ,-.    '.K  ■■   ■'■■  *.WCf 

"".""v  S      v   ..1   *v- •*   ■>•"-   '     '     '■-     ■*   *-  •"*  ■    '*•'■     '■*'  '■'  '  '■'     V'— • 

•  -.tv.  »  •  V  -..'^  .  •       »..  '■•      -.   »  ;       V  :k->    -  .»  .-i    ?     V  «. 

»^*^     1*  \  .,  J..  ^1  -,rt-^r    .iw  ■*.•■»  wv  »v  UlC  iMEMK.  t  *:*--<*t  j^k".  ':jr 


Medicine,  and  Uiouth,  by  u  Order  in  Council,  nnkinft  with  a  Lieu- 
tenant in  tlie  Atdit,  lie  had  been  obliged  by  the  Admiznltj  regulations 
to  remain  in  the  Midtbipmen's  berth.  Owing  to  the  oonatant  oonfuaion 
which  there  prevailed,  he  had  been  utterly  unable  to  atudy  or  to  refreah 
hia  memory,  and  hence  he  had  quite  forgotten  all  the  anatomy  whick  he 
once  knew.  Had  he  been  free  of  the  ward-room  he  could  have  kept  up 
his  knowledge,  and  the  unfortunate  result  of  his  loaa  of  it,  which  he 
deulored  as  much  a^  an.vbndy,  would  never  have  h^pened. 

Mu.  UiciiAUU  ^rKiTKLY.  a  young  grntlr-man  aged  IS.  Midibipmaa 
on  board  the  Ti-uhnwh,  and  mesiutate  of  1)h.  Slice,  will  deaGhbe  the 
peciiliariuen  nf  the  Midihipmen's  berth,  so  as  to  give  an  idea  of  the 
fttcililieii  wliich  it  alTurd!!  fur  medical  and  Hurxical  studies. 

The  PHKsiitKNT  of  the  Colleuk  of  Sukgeoms  will  depose  that  a 
Surgeon  iiiual  continually  renew  his  anatomy  if  he  would  retain  it. 
He  will  confess  that,  he  aliould  hiniselt  soon  forget  all  he  knew  of  it, 
if  he  did  not  frequent  tr,  by  tliougbt  aud  reading,  recal  its  details  to  hit 
luiiurs  eye.  He  will  declare  lh«t  it  would  be  impossible  for  him  to 
tliink  or  read  either,  amid  ihedistriLC'iuns  of  the  Midshipmen's  berth; 
and  that  fur  any  mental  occuijation  he  should  of  the  two  prefiBrthe 
iiiiiKt  head. 

Du.  Slice  will  p'-oduc*  nuineroiis  tesliniouials,  and  call  Tarious 
witnesspy,  in  prouf  of  lu^  former  u'tuinments  aud  ci^ualifications. 

The  ('uKoNEK  will  explain  to  tlie  Jury,  that  it  they  consider  that 
On.  Slu'K  diJipUyed  cuUwhle  iccninpe^ency,  Ih^y  must  return  a  verdict 
of  inanftangliTcr  against  him;  hut  that  n3  man  is  to  be  considered 
respunmible  for  cousoquences  arising  from  the  misfortune  of  losing  his 
n»fmory. 

The  Jury,  after  a  short  consultation,  will  find  "That  the  deceased 

t  BaHMABAS   BvKTiNG  died  of  heeiuorrhage  through  the  insbiU^  of 

I  Hk.  Slk'K  to  (perform  a  surgical  op*  ratien  by  reason  of  his  having  for- 

,  giilten  his  knowledge  of  auatomy  lor  tlie  want  of  a  tit  and  proper  place 

to  mu.iv  in  on  Itoara  »liip,  owing  to  the  arrangements  of  the  IjQras  of 

<he  Admiral:)." 


BEHjRAYIANS!  Ml-ND  YOUR  M'AYS. 

\Vk  have  strong  faith  in  the  proverb,  "  Where  there 's  a  will  there's 
a  way  ;**  but  we  regret  to  have  met  wi:h  an  instance  in  which  we  have 
t^eeu  h«il9r\i.  for  bariLg  lately  the  will  to  pass  slung  the  King's  Road, 
HP  i*.ui  a  tind  no  vav  ot  dcirg  so. 

Ttic  Ku'g's  Koad.  Katon  Siuare,  is  indeed  in  an  alarming  state;  for 
i:  i»  as  rampant  wi'h  ruts  as  a  field  lately  under  the  plough,  and 
vrr»eu*.«  to  the  Ir^veiler  a  truly  bar'ow;ag  spec'acie.  If  a  boras 
tenturrs  upon  it.  i&e  ^vor  anukal  ics'arlj  experiecces  the  >!idttf 
Mi.-r%r%$^  lor  he  IS  very  «as::y  c^vz^  a^d  is  nc:  very  easily  got  ap 

AVe  CAnnot  under^urd  :he  reason  o:  a  prmctpal  t  joro"gfaiiare  in  the 
■"a*i;vn»bhe  kvali'y  o:  Wk'.c-^  S;uAnf — ;se  very  tt^n  cf  Beigravia — 
Ivir.g  :e:t  in  a  sU'e  of  auiv.ost  c;ou=.*a:LO^s  ruegedn^M,  i.n!f««  it  is  for 
'  .'  v'x^'^-^ve  of  c;T:7.f  »>".:.e*.h;£f  .;^e  a  tas;«  ot  tne  Ups  and  I>owbs  of 
',  e  v^  Sfte  weathy  ;r.-*A— .  ia"*. 

We  raie.  :n  ::e  ivurw  of  cur  cane*'.  t-f*a  :re<;-e!::>  pu;  to  the 
vectf**:'>  ci  ea»*  i:s  irg  *  *"  t-e  lero  c:  aL'::>:'y. -»;  run  tmos^iaH 
•».  -xin— Iw  ..  f  :.wr  r.zi  a  ***  cr  n  aie  ::t.  We  ^ic  laooond 
;-\^,<-.  5V0W,  o:  »"-»••:  we  tco  y jl;::.»  si*  *r.e  »irf-.  :i  lie  A'P**  *• 
.'o?  aacru '..roctr.  *if  a..- :4'  Lx.«*"^t^\,  ^i  k.^^:<'JZi9''^BC  ashes 
..*  \p#ut:-*;  »v  :Afe  i ..'lec  .:-?  pA".i:ir:  .t\  '^t  ^^rtage  ^avea^aad 
'.-•^Viec  <\tz  \tt  c?>  fit*  zi  ''V-e-**c-e  Fa:'k.  W*  mtc  bcfsai-tiCsS 
4-  "  ti  •-;■  l:  ;.'e  a. .:  u'tr^np*  v*'  -i?  N:-.i-n  rt^.izs;  w«  have 
rro'-nTiprfc  ";*  ^\—:\.:.ti  ■•:  a  ^las&uv  :".  a  Sar'T*:*;  ccz^v^j  to  the 
^liri.  ari  icc#  :;  '.i  Twr  — "■^r*  k.zz  a  •.»-".  :■»:  "  re  lerer'    no  we 

;.v^:.n  :-:  ii-i  '.t*:^*:.:  k:^  :-d  'K^'*  r.:.kL  'Lk::.  >;.krc. 


A  T\i3s«  cjcv  cut  Owxi  Tr.iaap>et. 
W  »  *.»r*  *e«  i*4fc      wv  r  -fiar  ^.:  M!11  ar  t  ^:A*!  %■ :»«  *  ExuacaOK 

see  1. 1^  •  i«j  rs  rw-i  :■    .v*-. -.*■  L.fc.  :.-.^     'f-^:.  -n  ■^rrcra.-r  s*i.i 
*  I  0.1  »•-■  .xii"*.!  "lu 'i.ii..:.'-CiT.  *■,-'_.:  r-';!-?  T.-.-!  ".,c  ^aicckt  rf 
.v.t  A.  ttf-z  ax'  :  'L.i-*   :•    .''^~*<^  "9 :. :-:   «  .■«  ;   ."^k.^e   .  i   >. :«»  v  Tlai't 


m  '.-^tjuji^."*.  ^s  &  *Lii.T  a.>? 

". ^.-.x ^ «'!.:...■  V    :w  vnrf. -.lat  V.v-.  'j-^.;^  :%'  '.in  i-  iJLCt  nccjff  w^f 
t  »  !  :-'.  ^'kJ^.tvS  lJi»  •kc  *  ..a^ti-wsii  t  .J. ■«;•...  *k*>.      »s  «^  mapBH 

! -.-iitf — a  :a:  i^itfc  saa  Uiai.  u^  .wi,;i]M  iz   Vn^^-^ic  Ucaie  4f 


I 


GOOD  NEWS  FOR  GOVERNESSES, 

WKVPR  people  mhy  UUt 
about  the  dbfiicutfies  at 
tending  the  poailioo  of 
a  Uorernesi,  it  is  evi- 
dent, if  there  is  failli  in 
an  advertisement,  that 
the  task  of  teachinir "  in 
a  genlleman's  family" 
is  a  luxury  vorth  paying 
for.  As  to  liberal  aala- 
ries  beiD^  offered  to  Go- 
verneuea,  we  do  not 
wonder  at  the  svitem 
being  quite  exploded, 
when  we  find  that  it  is 
considered  probable  a 
"la-iy"  will  enter  a 
"  gentleman's  fanaly  " 
cm  the  terms  set  forth 
in  'he  following  extract 
frum  a  late  sunplement 
(gratis)  of  the  Tinut .- — 

ANTED,  in  &  frttitlrnian'f  familr,  ■  LADY,  w)io  t*  deiirou*  of  meeting 
with  I  oomTonaltid  home,  to  iindertAlte  the  EDUCATION  of  TWO  CHILDREN, 
nf  tha  MfM  of  leren  «nd  •iiftit  yntA,  uiJ  vho  wculd  cuQ5lilcr  t\t  aboet  a»  equtntUnt 
to  a  taiary.  She  wontd  be  r0(|ulroil  to  liwlruci  tlicm  Id  ■□  KnglUb  oilur«Uoo,  Frvoch, 
snd  niule,  wlihoot  tlis  aid  nf  mnitcn.  Must  bn  U  ibe  KutmbllAhcd  Church.  OomI 
raftreooM.    Addrau  to  A.  T^  «t ,   17, . 


agreeable  alteniatire,   for  there  were  two  or  three    droTen'   doga 

attempting  to  make  a  luucheoD  off  oxtail.  "The  drover*  did  their 
utmost  to  keep  poeseMion  of  the  poor  creature  by  holding  him  in 
tail,  but  be  evidently  objected  to  this  new  style  of  drawback  on  British 
beef,  and  the  more  they  polled  him  one  way,  the  more  be  tugged  the 
other.  Though  he  wa»  anything  but  reserved  or  shy,  the  difBcnlty 
in  drawing  him  out  was  tremendous,  though  the  clerks  attempted  by 
persuasion  to  oonrince  him  that  his  departuro  from  the  Inaurance  Office 
would  be  the  very  best  policy.  The  poor  animal  was  ultimate!/  ejected, 
and  it  in  not  surprising  that  he  wa*  very  much  put  out  in  consequence. 


9^/ 


SELF-EXHIBITION  OF  LORD  BROUGHAM  IN  1850. 

PuKCH  fau  to  propose  to  the  workers  of  tin,  iron,  or  brass  of  all 
natiois,  to  send  a  specimen  of  the  Weathercock  BRouGnAit  to  the 
great  industrial  show  of  1851.  It  io,  we  think,  difficult  to  conceive  a 
moresni^gestive  subject  for  the  matter  proposed^  one  more  provocative 
of  the  inventive  quality  of  designers ;  more  certain  to  call  fortli  the 
latent  resources  of  meciianics.  conjointly  in  the  variety  of  form,  and  in 
the  ease  and  rapidity  with  which  a  weathercock  should  obey  "ever/ 
little  wind  that  under  heaven  is  blown/' 

The  prize  weathercock — the  thing,  from  its  peculiar  oomptexitv,  is 
worth  at  least  a  thousand  sounds ;  indeed,  how  manv  national  weat Iter- 
vanes  have  costs  hundred  limes  the  sum! — should  be  paid  for,  pur- 
chased, and  set  above  the  new  House  of  Lords.    This  wou'd  at  once 
beautilitvto  the  building,  and  a  compliment  to  Lord  BaouciLUC 
Like  the  Duke  of  Wbllington.  his  Lordahip  would  anticipate  post- 
humous honours  and  enjoy  his  signiKcant  monument  whilst  in  the  flesh, 
And  LotiD  BRoncnAH  has.  a  tliousand  limes  over,  earned  such 
This  notification  seems  to  imply  that  there  is  such  a  general  desire   testimonial.    Ilis  last— at  least,  at  the  tiate  we  write,  his  last— un- 
on  the  part  of  well-instructed  gentlewomen  to  undertake  the  educa'ion   conscious  effort  for  such  reward  was  in  the  House,  when  he  discoursed 
of  cbilclren  that  any  one  having  I  he  oppoitunity  afforded  her  of  enjoying]  upon  t  be  promised  Exhibition  of  1851.    Now,  it  may  be  remembered — 


such  a  delicious  privilege,  would  probably  ''consider  the  above 
equivalent  to  a  salary."  There  is  certainly  something  attractive  in  the 
surmounting  of  difficulties,  and  there  may  be,  therefore,  a  kind  of  self- 
compensating  principle  in  the  task  of  attempting  to  beat  information 
into  the  thick  beads  of  the  juvenile  members  of  "a  gentleman's 
family."  "We  shall  expect  to  see  shortly  an  advertisement  forapig- 
dnver  who  will  consider  the  pleasure  of  thrashing  the  pig  as  "  equivalent 
to  a  salary." 

The  siipulation  in  the  announcement  we  have  quoted,  that  the  lady 
should  be  "  of  the  Established  Cinirch  "  ia  quite  characteristic  of  the 
sort  of  thing,  for  we  always  Qnd  a  little  bit  of  religion  dragged  in  at  the 
end,  to  tone  down  the  unchristian  complexion  of  the  rest  of  the  adver- 
tisement. The  probability,  also,  is,  that  the  parties  who  are  sosntiouslo 
get  a  little  piety  thrown  info  the  bargain  with  the  English  education, 
the  Frendi,  the  music,  the  German,  the  dancing,  and  all  the  rest  of  it, 
are  desirous  that  in  return  for  the  nothing  a  year  which  they  pay  their 
Governess,  their  children  should  acquire  a  little  of  that  religious  prin- 
ciple of  which  thoy  themselves  have  been  left  destitute. 

An  uneducated  parent  is  frequently  heard  to  say,  "  Though  I  have  not 
much  learning  myself,  I  should  wish  my  children  to  be  well  taught ; " 
and  in  the  same  spirit  no  doub^  Iba  advertiser  of  "no  salary,"  and 
other  hard  uncharitable  conditions,  would  be  the  first  to  demand 
•*  decided  piety,"  or  a  "  religious  turn  of  mind  "  in  his  poor  victimised 
Governess. 


A  BLACKFRIARS  BULL  FIGHT. 

It  is  not  necessary  to  travel  to  Spain  in  order  to  get  an  idea  of  a 
Bull  fight,  for,  on  every  Smithfield  market  day.  there  is  a  display  of  the 
conflict  of  the  Toreadores  with  real  Bulls  in  the  neigbbourhood  of  Black- 
rriws.  The  vacant  ground  on  each  side  of  Chatham  Place  forms  an 
admirable  arena,  where  there  are  frequent  contests  between  the  Toro 
and  the  Pieadore—lhtt  Bull  and  the  drover.  A  few  davs  ago  there 
was  a  splendid  exhibition  of  human  prowess  on  one  sine,  and  brute 
instinct  on  the  other- with  a  spice  ot  canine  sagacity  superadded,  to 
give  It  a  flavour.  An  active  bullock  had  been  playing  "Mag's  diver- 
sion," with  a  born  accompaniment  all  the  way  down  Farringdon  Street, 
and  had  been  indulging  bis  faoctious  humour  at  the  expense  of  the 
public,  by  butting  at  and  making  a  butt  of  everybody  he  met  ;  when 
suddenly  the  drover  made  a  blow  at  the  animU's  butt-end,  and  the  poor 
creature  with  a  marvellous  ioBtinot  of  self-preservation,  turned  mto  a 
neighbouring  house,  which  proved  to  be  the  Cattle  Insurance  Company. 

The  clerk  m  attendance  thought  at  first  that  the  animal  had  oome 
with  the  view  of  effecting  an  insurance  on  bis  ovm  life,  and  had  almoit 
presented  him  with  one  of  the  usual  forms,  when,  the  bullock  uncere- 
moniously upset  everything  in  the  shape  of  form  by  tossing  over  a 
bench  that  happened  to  be  in  his  way,  and  making  for  the  board-room 
with  frightful  vclocit;r.  The  poor  brute  was  a  good  deal  flurried,  and 
he  had  do  opportunity  of  turning  himself  round,  for  the  space  would 
not  admit,  of  the  operation,  and  the  only  way  left  him  was  to  back  out 
of  the  difKculty  in  which  he  had  placed  himself.    This  was  a  most  dis- 


e^pecially  by  those  capable  of  recollecting  every  new  pattern  produoed 
by  every  new  shake  of  a  kaleidoscope — wDat  LoBJ)  Brougbah  uttered 
at  the  great  Westminster  gathering  in  favour  of  the  future  show.  "  It 
would  be  a  marvellous  exhibition  t  We  should  astonish  the  foreigner; 
amaxe  him  !  Not  only  amaze  all  aliens  with  evidences  of  our  manufac* 
luring  and  mechanical  skiil ;  but.  moreover,  should  confound  and 
humiliate  them  by  exhibiting  a  specimen  of  the  special  constable's 
suff,  garlanded  with  civic  oak-leaves,  date,  *  April  10. 1848.'  This, 
among  other  thinn  we  should  do.  and  great  would  be  the  agglomerate 
glory  thereof.  Hia  Lordship  deeply  pitied  the  crassitude  of  any  man 
who  could  doubt  it!" 

And  now  the  wind  shifts,  and  the  weathercock  points  to  an  ill-wind^ 
an  east-wind — that  cuts  as  with  a  rusty  knife  the  olossoms  of  hope ! 

In  the  House  of  Lords,  Lord  Brougham  last  week  discoursed  of  th« 
Exhibition.    As  for  the  English  manufaciurera,  they  would— 

"  No  doubt,  l«an]  someUiliif  whettby  to  Imvrore  the  fabric  of  tbclr  inumr*cturpi. 
Thcf  imold  not,  howerer,  locmuM  lb«  prlo*  oc  their  onmmodltJn  and  lusnufsctarai. 
No,  do:  dovntdimn,  dovtrt,  tcn«U  amm  tkefrioMj—t^nd  ao  much  the  better  wouiil  It  ha 
for  us  toe  •ooMUMn,  had  ultimRtolx  BO  donbtfor  thcDKlTot.  Tktj/  wouid  mat,  Vnsmr 
Jlnd  tktM  w#vftl  (nUtt  ta>tf  sf  II  leaa  fn  UU /rwrpecl." 

Every  word  of  this  might  have  acted  ai  another  button  upon  the 
breeches*  pocket  of  manufacturers  and  tradesmen ;  shut  ting  up  the  sub- 
scriptions that  otherwise  would  have  come  forth.  We  say,  "might 
have  acted,"  had  the  orator's  turnings  and  shiftings  been  less  notorious. 
The  wordf,  however,  are  harmless.  No  one  predicts  from  the  weather- 
oock  of  to-day  what  point  the  wind  may  blow  from  to-morrcw. 

Lord  Brougham  protested  against  the  erection  of  the  required 
building  in  either  of  the  West-end  parka.  "  In  Hyde  Park  it  certainly 
must  not  be."  There  was,  however,  an  eastern  park.  "He  thought 
that  the  building  had  better  be  erected  in  Victoria  Park."  This  sug- 
gestion brought  up,  of  course,  the  whilom  genius  of  Woods  and  Forests, 
and  especial  protector  of  the  poor  man's  '  bit  of  green  "  at  all  times,— 
the  Karl  or  Carlisle. 


"  He  miild  not  an  any  reaion  why  thalr  UmUhlpa  ihODld  be  more  toodur  to  thn  arla- 
tocratical  lunca  of  one  portion  ot  the  iDCtn|n)U  tbaa  thoy  wen  lo  taooe  of  tbo  doaaely- 
popuUiod  distYicC  la  th«  mlfbbonibood  of  Vlotorta  Park." 

Wliy,  no.  And  then  folks  who  drive  in  Hyde  Park,  may  drive  a  little 
further  from  London :  and,  we  believe  that  none  of  the  weavers  and 
spinners  of  Spitalfields  keep  carriages.  Indeed,  we  almost  incline  to  donbt 
whether  they  can  vindicate  their  respectability  even  in  a  Sunday  gig. 

The  West-end  parks — quoted  liORD  BROUGnaM— "  have  been  called 
tbe  lungs  of  the  metropolis."  But,  then,  it  is  otherwise  with  Park 
Victoria.  Spitalfields  having  little  use  for  the  belly,  can  tbe  less  regard 
a  "  tubercle  "  on  tbe  lungs. 


TEMTSBANCB  TOAST. 

Tm  papers  stale  that  at  the  anniversary  festival  of  the  Marine 
Society,  after  dinner  "the  usual  round  of  toasts  was  given."  Fathrb 
Matitew  himself  could  hardly  object  to  toasts  in  tbe  form  of  tbe  round* 
If  the  toast  of  the  evening  was  buttered,  it  is  not  likely  that  any 
member  of  the  Marine  Society  Rot  half  seas  over. 


Ko.  4b5.\ 


PUNCH,  Oli  TIIE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  PICTUEE  01  AXIMEKXrVEHESS, 

A.  27  [C£  LITTLE  BIT  OF  PISH. 


THE  MAYORS.  AND  THEIR  COATS  OF  H^ITL, 

PaETions  lo  tJj6  recent  displny  of  arplendid  liospiulity  hj  tlie  Lotld 
Mayor  of  LondoD,  »bo  invited  nearly  *ll  his  brotiier  Mnyars  to  a  grand 
bddqapt — and  turned  llie  MnaMon  House  iuto  a  refjulair  mArea'  nest,  fur 
that  nig bb  only — cmuinunicfttions  were  f&rwarded  lo  the  dilfereat  towns 
for  tba  purpose  c  f  iuqolrias:  aa  to  this  Arms  of  the  Corporation,  wiiU 
wbfcli  it  was  intended  to  adorn  the  colunins  of  the  hiitl  of  fefetivitf, 

Soms  of  Ihfl  provincial  Mrtfora  were  very  riiucU  puzzled  to  b*t  wliat 
tilt ir  heraldic  bfciringa  renUy  -were,  and  aa  Mb..  Bukk:^  was  not  af;  hanJ, 
to  be  consulted  in  every  case,  aotrift  df  spera^te  Kuesae^  were  made  by 
Bcverftl  of  tlie  beadi  of  the  provincial  Oorporationa.  Wo  pive  a  f^w 
specimftEis  furitished  by  oar  rt^iJOtter,  wLo  s^oke  m  to  low  a  tone  that 
ve  DouJil  scATdnh  cateh  it,  though  he  deserrea  to  oatcli  it  if  li€  has  been 
^tlLy  of  mlalendilig  U9. 

BATit,— A  Bun  rampan^^  in  a  Bath  Brick-field*  Bath-chapa  as 
Buppnrlers. 

£riguton.— Six  ErigLton  rocks  on  a  lozenge,  and  one  box  of  lozenges 
by  ilself, 

CASTEBBtmy. — A  Cantcihury  on  a  shield  gulePi  quartered  with  a 
MuKic-Btool  srffenl,  and  tiie  ntotto  Piano-for^e-tcr  ia  it^ 

Cu£LTENUiM.— Salta  csitekini,  witli   a  lozerife  «  atrierft  Ehowing 
that  lh«  lotenffD  may  be  taken  alter  the  aal^a  if  reqiiired, 
_  KiBUEitMissTEit.-^A  Carpet  on  a  plain  p:roiiind,  a  ruR  and  tlire*  bars 
BtniaLer  of  polished  steel  with  poker  and  tongs  as  eupporter$j  and 
appropriate  aLaniardi* 

MABJ3ATE. — A  pair  of  iLippers  glma^t^  held  by  a  battdng-woman 
naianie^  and  two  doukey-boya  rfgardftui, 

Rte. —  A  Lion  dormant^  with  a  Rye  f&ce.^ 

WiWD30R.— Soap  in  aquarea,  with,  a  Poor  Knight  of  Windaor  latheranii 
and  a  butcher's  boy  bluiani. 

Yarmouth,— A  herring  gules,  on  three  bara  aable. 

The  above  are  only  a  few  of  those  wliieh  were  sent  in  to  the  Mansion 
Houae  aa  emblems  for  the  Cormthian  cr>]iirnna  of  the  Ej^ptiaa  Had, 
and  politely  declined  oa  the  ground  of  there  being  na  looin  lor  them. 


AK  EXPEDITION  THROUGH  THE  DEBATES,  IN  SEARCH 
OF  CmSHOLM  ANSTEY. 

A  N  expedition  haa  been  formed,  of  some  six  hardy  individnals,  toTmtnre 
m  pearch  of  GHisimLH  Anstet.  It  ia  supposed  that  he  is  completely 
bat,  for  lie  baa  not  been  beard  of  for  some  tmie  past.  He  diuppeared 
last  aesaioHj  and  baa  not  been  seen  since. 

Tbe  intention  is  lo  set  out  on  the  very  dav  that  Parliament  opened. 
There  ia  an  inimfnbe  tract  of  barren  debates  for  the  expedition  to  cross, 
and  it  ia  CDuildeni  iy  asserted  Ihat  it  will  never  be  able  to  get  half-way 
through,  it.  If  any  trace  is  found  of  him,  intimation  is  instantly  to  be 
atnt  lo  the  Home  of  Commons.  ^ 

The  expedition  has  our  best  wishes  for  its  success,  thongb  we  eannot 
help  having  our  f tars  as  to  the  result.  Is  it  prudent  at  this  lime  of 
the  ycar»  we  A^k,  when  the  Debates  are  much  colder  than  usual,  to 
vgh  I  urc  in  search  of  such  an  objecbP  How  will  they  find  a  passage  through 
immense  blocks  of  speeches,  that  seem  as  if  they  must  crush  the  person 
who  comes  near  them.  The  six  individuals,  we  are  told,  are  to  relieve  one 
another,  and  never  more  than  three  persons  are  to  sleep  at  the  same 
tmie^  This  arrangement  is  highly  commendable:  still,  if  the  torpor 
bhould  be  too  much  for  their  hardy  natures,  ana  they  should  aU  six 
give  way  to  ths  feeling  of  overpowering  lassitude  that  is  known  to 
attack  every  one  who  ventures  in  those  frozen  regions»it  is  horrible  to 
think  of  what  niu»t  inevitably  be  their  sad  fates !  We  implore  this 
^  ^etieroua  half-dozfu  of  impulsive  souls  to  pause  ere  they  rush  into  the 
expedition  they  are  so  madl;^  bent  upon. 

iVc  shall  from  lime  to  time  publish  accounts  of  the  expedition  as 
tliey  reach  us,  and  we  only  hope  that  the  whole  six  may  return  safe. 
We  re^et  to  state  that  not  a  single  oftlce  in  the  City  would  insure 
their  lives. 


BRITANNIA'S  SWEET  TOOTH. 

I'm  the  Genius  of  Bbitaxnu,  and,  you  know,  I  rule  the  waves, 
And  I  form'd  a  resolution  to  put  dovm  the  trade  in  slaves. 
So  I  've  fitted  out  a  squadron,  and  it  costs  me  very  dear. 
At  the  lowest  computation  full  a  million  pounds  a  year. 

Yet  the  slave-trade  I'm  maintaining  all  the  while  I  'gainst  it  fight, 
I  support  it  with  the  left  hand  whilst  I  strike  it  with  the  right; 
Of  slave-grown  sugar,  being  cheap,  a  vast  amount  I  eat, 
I  have  such  a  tender  conscience,  but  a  tooth  so  very  sweet ! 

Goose's  liver  is  a  dainty  certain  foreigners  derive, 
So  I  have  heard,  from  roasting  the  unhapp}r  goose  alive ; 
My  laws  with  punishment  condign  would  visit  any  wretch 
Who  dared  the  culinary  art  so  cruelly  to  stretch. 

But  were  I  the  chief  consumer  of  the  fruit  of  this  abuse, 
I  should  surely  be  partaker  in  the  torture  of  the  goose  : 
Am  I  not  then  an  accomplice  in  the  wickedness  and  shame 
Of  lashing  into  sugar  the  tormented  negro's  frame  ? 

There  is  negro  in  our  puddings,  in  our  pies,  our  cakes,  our  buns  ; 
In  our  jellies,  creams,  and  custards,  there  are  Adah's  sable  sons ; 
There 's  negro  in  each  cup  of  tea  the  smng  precisian  sips. 
And  thinks  that  he  has  done  no  wrong,  and  wipes  his  holy  Upa. 

I  am  certain  that  the  trade  in  slaves  my  cniisers  scarcely  touch, 
I  repress  it  very  little,  and  promote  it  very  much; 
If  I  mean  that  it  should  cease,  I  must  renounce  my  toothsome  sin, 
Resolv'd  from  this  time  forth  to  take  no  slave-grown  sugar  in. 

But  I  can't  resign  cheap  sugar :  so  I  'II  keep  up  my  blockade, 
For  appearance  sake— by  way  of  demonstration  and  parade  : 
Though  I  must  confess  I'd  rather  not  be  forced  to  spend  the  sum 
Of  a  million  pounds  per  annum  to  maintain  a  costly  hum. 


OnracT  OP  Mn.  Sttjabt  Wortlbt's  Maultage  Bill.^To  spike 
■n  ecclesiaitic&l  caaon« 


Sacrifice  Extraordinary. 
A  KBW8PAPEB  advertisement  announces  that 

"  A  profeuknul  gentlemui  U  Instructed  to  sacrifice  Tn&EB  young  wand  Hobbu 
at  half  their  cost." 

We  wonder  what  deity  horses  could  be  sacrificed  to  F  Hnuir, 
perh^ :  for  when  a  gentleman  marries  he  is  sometimes  foroed  to  give 
up  hifl  stud. 

THE  STETHOSCOPE  AT  THE  NATIONAL  CHEST. 

We  understand  that  there  is  at  present  an  accumulated  gold  deposit 
at  the  Bank,  which  is  likely  to  increase.  Nothing  has  been  heard  for 
some  time  of  John  Bttxi/s  tightness  of  the  chest ;  but  we  expect  that 
he  will  soon  begin  to  comnlain  of  weight  and  congestion  in  that  region ; 
where  there  seems  to  be  always  something  more  or  less  the  matter  with 
the  poor  invalid. 


PUNCll,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


131 


OUR    LITTLE    BIRD 


A  flRBlKD  IN  SBEtP^  CLOTUIKO. 

Puxcii,  liaring 
taJtrn  asniiitar^ 
survey  of  I  be 
whole  country, 
reports  a«  fol- 
lows: "The  dir- 
liest  place  in 
the  United 
KiDRdom  ii 
MR.FnnRAKD's 
liiuuth  " 

And  this  re- 
port i»  nccoui- 
pftnied  with  « 
Biulnesii,  with  a 
f^^intncHs  of 
ht'urt  ;  for 
PuHch^  lifter 
nmcii  pftuder- 
in*!,  is  fttill  ffr»- 
veiled  for  »  re- 
medr.  How  is  the  nuisance  to  bo  abMed  ?  By  what  means  of  flushing — 
by  what  extniTaertnt  prant  of  money,  exp^^nded  upon  any  quantity  of 
cneiuicalsP  Will  Sia  Hobbrt  Peel  or  Mr.  Coudkn  a'ti;ni|it  the  i>«rt 
of  CuETina,  and  leap  into  the  ever-open,  CTer-widening  gulf  P  Will 
all  the  aocieUes.  unit^  for  early  closing,  endrarour  a  remedy?  For 
ourselves,  we  can  only  hit  apon  one  poor  chance  of  sucoeas,  the  applica- 
tion of  neglect.  VVbeu  Luther  wa^  spiritually  sublimed,  wrouxht  by 
the  greatness  of  his  work,  he  heard,  he  lelU  us,  a  mitfhty  noise  in  the 
next  room.  "But,"  said  he  with  an  after-thought,  **  knowing  it  was 
only  the  devil,  1  took  no  notice  nf  him ;  for  there  is  nothing  that  so 
irk«  the  devil  as  contempt."  Will  the  newspftpcr  preai  henceforth 
perform  the  part  of  Luther  to  Ferr^nd,  I  be  foul-moutbed  and  vocifr- 
rons  P  Will  they,  for  all  future  time,  ttike  mercv  upon  their  readers,  by 
taking  no  notice  of  the  noisy  man,  whose  liul  bluster  was  at  the  town 
of  PoDterract  ?    We  hope  so. 

However,  the  press,  having  imwarily  prinied  Mil.  Fcrrvno's  brag, 
it  becomes  the  uneasy  duty  of  i'uncK  to  disburse  a  few  word^  upon  it. 
i'wkiA  will  linger  no  lunger  on  the  master  than  he  holds  lo  ho  oarety 
neceasary :  for  Punch  likes  not  the  reek  of  the  Ferhanu  nosegay  ;  his 
flowers  of  rhetoric  are  truly  flower  of  brimstone.  And  bo,  wi'h  a 
closed  nostril,  putting  aside  the  bunch  of  noioon^e  epiUicLs  culird 
for  poli'ical  opponents,  come  we  to  the  Fkrra^nd  remedy;  and  the 
remedy  is— the  sheep. 

Mk.  Feruajd  presches  a  Wool  League.  The  Fleece  rrrrus  the 
Cotton  Tree!  Mr  Fi^rrand  makes  the  vheep  the  symbol  of  KtiRlaiurB 
regi-neratioD.  Having  shorn  it,  and  spun  the  wool  into  the  agricultural 
unifonn,  he  would,  no  doubt,  stretch  its  parchment  info  drum-head-, 
and  beat  dismay  through  ibe  streets  of  Manchester.  Who  would  have 
thought  it  P  The  tall  cotton  chimnies,  levelled  with  a  thundtring  craHli 
to  (he  earth, — pulled  down  by  a  line  of  worsted !  Wh<\t  a  polit  ic  spider 
is  Fekr.\wii,  and  with  his  woollen  web,  how  be  will  catch  and  fatten  on 
those  gdded  Qies,  Brioiit  and  <>ovden  ! 

The  tedious  monotony  of  the  time  will  be  pleasantly,  hilariously 
broken  by  the  two  pftrlics.  into  which  all  England  will— hint*  Ferband 
—immediately  divine  itself.  The  li^ht  will  be  a  contest  of  worsted  halls 
and  cotton  balls !  And  the  contest  will  be  the  lierccr,  the  richer,  too,  in 
interesting  episodes,  inasmuch  as  the  principal  combatants  will  be  of 
the  softer,  and,  therefore,  more  pugnacious  sex.  Kvery  other  woman 
will  bear  a  flag  of  worsted — will  fight  under  her  own  particular  banner! 
'*  At  present,"  mourns  Febrasd,  "  it  is  cotton  above — cotton  below— 
and  cotton  everywhere."  Wait  awhile;  and  inevitably  the  cotton  will 
be  wonted. 

Plain-minded  people  may  vainly  seek  the  source  of  inRpiraf  ion  whence 
Ferrand  drew  this  deep  and  bcautilut  idea.  PmhcH — who  knows  every- 
thing— can  at  once  reveil  the  oracle  that  instrucffd  the  patriot— it  was 
notUin|c  less  lluui  a  sheep's  head.  Fit  teacher,  Gt  pupil!  It  is  a  wtrll- 
Kccredited  itory,  that  Mahomet— who.  like  all  truly  ftreat  men,  was 
l)eautifuliy  bimple  in  his  taitra— mucli  ndmiri'd  shoulder  of  niuitun; 
a  di»h,  by  the  way,  drliKhtrd  in  bir  auoLltrr  R'tal  man,  who,  however, 
wu  nut  a  prophet— George  tub  Tiiijui,  I  he  I'Vher  and  Farmer  of  his 
people.  Well.  Mauoukt,  says  the  legend,  was  about  to  parlake  of  liis 
larourite  diati,  and  bad  made  the  first  prinic  lucisiuu,  when  the  yawning 
elioulder  found  a  voice,  and  cried-" Beware,  0  prophet!  For  I,  your 
much-tored  joint,  am  poisoned.  FUt  me.  and  you  me,"  'i'hos  tt  was 
that  destiny  made  vocal  even  a  shoulder  ol  inultou  lo  preserve  the  man, 
clioven  and  beloved  by  fate. 

And  BO  it  was  with  prophet  Perrand  U  was  at  the  end  of  the 
•eoond  week  of  March,  when  FiKKA.tu— hungry  fruoi  cuatciu|)Utiuu, 
deep  ud  keen,  of  his  Ouuutry's  wrongs — sat  down  to  dinner.    Great 


men.  we  hare  already  aaid  it,  bave  simple  tastea.  The  diib  best-belored 
by  FzRRAVD  is  sheep's  head ;  sheep's  head,  with  its  buttered  brains. 
Of  these  brains— innocent  nutriment  I-Ferrand,  by  way  of  prefao^ 
partook;  and  was  about  to flffb  his  carving-knife  in  tbo  head  itself, 
when  the  jawsopf-ned,  and— (wonderful  to  report!  with  the  longne 
lying  in  a  separate  plate) — the  head  spoke  audibly  thus — "Hoa^- 
mouihed  Ferrant).  dear  to  clods  and  men!  Take  what.  I  need,  and 
with  it  spin  a  yam,  yea,  many  vams,  and  save  your  mother-land.  Yon 
flball  go  forih  in  your  armour  or  hose,  and  win.  Accept  this  as  a  happy 
omen— I  speak  without  br*ins ;  be  worthy  of  your  oracle." 

Whereupon,  after  much  selt'-preparalion,  i'ERRAiVD  went  to  Ponle- 
frfict,  and,  first  sweetening  bis  mouth  «ith  indifcenoos  liquorice,  he 
then  preAched  the  AVool  League ;  he  then  and  there  enacted  the  part 
of  Shfrpface  with  stunning  applause.  Hin  one  word^-hin  nionosvllahic 
battle-crj- — was  "  Baa-a,"  a  word  to  be  worked  in  blood-coloured 
worsted  on  the  bannrr  of  (he  farmers — a  word  at  once  to  float  abofo 
and  doom  the  "loplfss"  chunnic^  of  Munchet>ter  1 

AH  tins  is  vast  and  comprchennvf,  hut.  this- thr  grrat  wool  question 
— admits  of  a  still  drcpcr  considrraiion;  of  irra'mrnt.  deep  hs  the 
vrave.  It  wilt  be  a  grand  acbievi-m-nt  lor  Mr.  Fkura^su  to  aivKJe  the 
kingdom,  arraying  native  Hannel  Against  exotic  cotton.  The  feudi  of 
the  Neiu  and  the  Bianciii  will  ba  cut  tnio  oblivion  by  the  deeils  of 
the  two  civil  armies,  the  homely  yeoman  woibicd,  ami  the  suhtlo. 
foreign  twist.  The  bulletins  will  be  of  marked  mi<1  curious  intirest 
It  wilt  bo  delighl-ful,  sustnining.  lo  read  of  houses  invraled  by  the 
flannel  forces,  and  brought  down  to  their  last  piece  oT  cotton,  which  is 
then  hung  out  of  the  garret  window,  in  token  of  parley;  the  enemr 
being  at  length  permitted  lo  march  cut  with  juft  one  pocket-bond- 
kercnief  Hying,  symbolical  of  bis  sorrow  and  discoui6Lure. 

All  this,  we  say,  will  be  very  delightful,  and  the  really  patriotic  heart 
glows  even  by  anticipation ;  but,  there  is  yet  another  glory  for  wool ;  a 
glory,  it  is  true,  symtwliscd  by  yew  and  cypress— for  it  is  a  glory  of  liie 
churohvard.  Let  the  law — the  law  most  ihamefally  repealed — be  re- 
enacted,  making  it  compulsory  upon  the  dead— for  an  Act  of  Par- 
liament  is  all  potent,  thinlc  some  folks,  even  on  the  other  side  of  Styx 
— lobe  buried  in  home-grown  wool ;  in  staple  flannel  as  our  grand* 
fathers  were^  so  that  even  in  the  grave  we  shall  lienrr>forth  defy  the 
foreigner,  Rnd  not  be  made,  as  now,  unpatriotic  innur  cofFios,  cnnnbling, 
ahamefuUy  crumbling,  in  imported  cotton.  Then  the  country  chuicli- 
yapd  will  be,  as  i^  was  wont,  a  »CRne  for  commiugling  ireditiuion  and 
patriotism.  For  whilst  the  great  public  moralist,  with  clouded  eye  on 
tombs'oncs,  reads  the  swift  decay  of  all  things,  his  ear  is  ploAMntly 
smitten  by  the  sheep-bell,  and  he  sees  the  wellier  and  the  ewes  hi  ing 
the  sweet  grass  of  the  heaving  mound,  and — his  eye  and  heart  cheered 
and  expanding  with  the  view  and  thuuph!— he  thinks  wiih  phasure  ol 
the  wool  above  the  grave,  and  the  wool  within  it.  As  it  is,  wc  feel 
that  Mn,  Ferrand— with  his  conmrehensive  sjmpatUies— must  con- 
sider even  a  country  churchyard  desecrated  by  the  under-ciup  of 
foreign  yam.  We  have  now  no  such  poetry  as  Gkay*s  A'/e^;  and 
wherefore?  We  burv  in  cotton.  The  poet's  true  inspiration  was 
from  flannel.    Is  not  the  sheep  eanecially  the  creature  of  ArouLo  ! 

Tom  our  thoughts  where  we  will,  we  receive  from  wool  a  sweet  sig- 
niGcADce— a  teaciiing  comfort.  When  thrifty  huswifes  would  lay  by 
their  savings,  what  so  often  the  chosen  repoeitory  as  an  old  stocking? 
The  true  Savings  Bank  is  made  of  the  fleece. 

Our  domestic  history  is  full  of  anncdotes  in  glory  of  the  shcco.  And 
yet  the  folks  of  Manchester  will  believe  the  "web  of  life"  to  ue  made 
of  nought  but  cotton.  But  ovine  triumphs  are  everywhere  about  its: 
in  the  symbolic  tbriftiness  of  old  s'ockings,  in  the  blazs  and  varied 
splendour  of  illuminated  windows.  In  Thoreton*s  Nottirngkamitiiie 
there  is  asufllcing  illustration  of  the  might  and  wealth  of  wool.  "Oua 
Mr.  Barton,"  sara  our  author,  "a  merchant  of  iho  Staple,  built  a  fair 
stone  house  at  Holme,  in  Nollinshamshire,  and  a  fair  clupel  like  % 
pirisb  church.    In  the  windows  of  his  house  waa  this  posie, — 

I  ihank  G<iD,  And  flv«r  kIikII, 
It  t«  UiQ  Blic«ji  hftth  paid  for  «U. 

A  thankful  and  humb!e  ackaowledgment  of  the  means  vhrrtby  he 
got  his  estate."  And  so,  when  Iho  victorious  Ferrawd  shall  have 
conducted  the  great  flannel  and  cotton  war  to  asuccea<fiil  issur,  so 
would  we  have  his  triumph  eternised  by  a  rescued  and  giatrful  ouuniry. 
We  bouglit  a  Btenheiin  for  Marlbokouoh— a  Strallifieldsaye  for 
Weu.ikotok — why  r.ot  a  Shepherd's  Bush  for  Ferranii?  And  when 
the  estate  shall  be  purchased,  and  the  monumental  edifice  erected,  let 
all  its  windows  be  ennched  and  brightened  with  »o:iie  giilden  pone,— 
And  furlher  decorated  with  the  hern  of  the  verse,  the  illuminated 
Ferramd  in  sheep's  clothiug! 
This  woidd  be  a  sweet  sight  for  all  men ;  yea,  even  for 

A  LiTTLft  Biro. 


T11£  LOTSLT  BEX  TISmCATBO 

We  see  a  bouk  advertised  under  ( he  extraordinary  title  of  "  WoMal 
1^  the  Nisktrrntu  Centoet."  We  hope  this  is  a  satisfactory 
refu'atiun  of  the  absurd  fallacy  that  DO  woman  CTtr  lirea  beyond  the 
age  of  forty ! 


You  xvia-is-xt. 


132 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CTTARTVARI. 


THE  SIGHTS  OF   LONDON- 

SiA,<— I  AM  a  CQtintry  gGniletvan, 
InGrni  III  health,  AtriclcRQ  in 
rear^  nnd  only  occasiottfLlly 
Tiaitiiij  the  melropoli?,  of  which 
the  dBBRere,  and  ih  nous  and 
ihs  crctcd^^  Are  soTnenhftt  too 
muck  For  niy  quipf:  ntrTci.  But 
At  thia  st^a'tou  of  i)aiter.  bavin^ 
oc^Asion  to  i?oin«  to  Ltrndon, 
where  my  bdh  rcaides^  1  waa 
indiEC^-d  to  f nke  hid  carrtA^e  and 
\m  H?e  darling  children  for  a 
day's  siclit-secinff.  And  of  sight- 
Eeein*  I  have  hadj  Sir^  enoti(;li, 
310 1  fctr  a  d&jTp  but  for  mif  whale 
i'fe.  _  I 

"  My  Bon'9  leftidence  is  in  tlic 
elvi^Rnt  nf  ighbQiirhaod  of  P-rt- 
ni«n  &jHwe,  and  takinqr  liij . 
cnrria^e,  of  which  boMi  llie 
horse  mid  driver  are  perfpc'ly 
a'cndy  Aod  pnst  ihn  priiiic  of 
lifr,  oiir  llrst  vi^it  wa^  to  the 
MVutrbrorPLinii,  in  llie  Kcpcnt/a 
Park  J  where  I  was  told  tonii; 
Jipat  minlings  were  exhibifeii, 
aiid  I  could  view  some  scenes 
&f.  Ipftst  Df  foreif^n  cdnrit.riea 
\vi  liou'  tlie  iliin^«T  nml  fa'igiie 
0'  tieTsoiiAl  tiiivfl.  I  pfiiil  my 
iihOEipy  a1.  the;  tiilr<iiicd  nf  the 
huildiTifr,  And  en'eri'tl  \vilh  my 
iin^iKiiicioii't  \vi]k  chrtT^^(ji  in^o 
OiB  inbrior  oC  Uie  building,  Sir,  i»  i^  hkii  iKb  ru'ruiic^-  1o  I  he 
EletisiniftR  rnjatcHpB,  or  wbii,'.  I  hitv.^  h^cn  piv^^n  In  iiTid(T*;tand  ia 
I  he  init'ation  into  Ii>ectiij^!&onry.  We  p'uvgcd  out  (if  the  H^ht  ittio 
«iich  ft  profound  darkness,  ihht  my  UftrliiiK  Axsa  Mahia  initAti'ly 
began  'M  cry.  We  ri-L'^  we  wire  in  n  chB.Dihcr,  Sir^  disiily  creak- 
inft  And  mavin^  nnderntnth  Ti<t— n  horrid  siftLsa'iQii  ot  st a  sickness 
ard  terror  orercnme  u<,  and  1  wm  uhiioat  ai  frighteued  as  my  poor 
innoceut  AnvtA.  Maria. 

"The  [irfit  thing  wc  paw  was  a  pha^llv  view  of  n  chnrfli— t.lie 
rafhcdraloF  Sdint  Sepulctare'?,  at  Jericbo,  i  htlievc  ii.  Wft^  calJtd — a 
dreary  pile,  with  not  a  soul  iiL  it,  not  so  much  as  a  prw-opEHer  nr 
v^T^er  to  whom  one  could  look  for  refripe  from  tliP  sjliniile  nf  tha 
disn  rJ.  Sir,  1  donV  cnre  to  rjwn  1  am  frE^li'ened  at  I>:in(?  in  achiircli 
alone;  \yfA^  once  lorkrd  up  in  onr  at  l.lie  a^e  of  tliir'eui,  havintf 
fallen  aslppp  ihirinir  Iho  ^ern  oo^  and  though  1  hiivc  never  tecti  n  eliosi, 
they  are  in  my  fjiimlv;  my  grantlninlhur  saw  oug.  I  hatf:  to  look  u'.  a 
grea',  ghAslly,  naked  rdiiiCj  p^vt'd  ^iUi  (EraTciaioiie*,  wnd  surroimdcLl 
witheiiitEiphR  ftiuJ  iicAih*s  lirad*,  nnd  I  ownlliAt  1  ILouaht  a  walk  id 
tUti  i'nfk  TToulii  h;ifu  Wi  n  iiiore  ilitjcrfid  Mmn  this. 

"Aa  we  looked  ht  thr;,  picturf^,  the  dreary  church  bt-CMtifl  more 
dreary:  the  thadOA^s  of  iiigut  (by  Jiienns  of  dirtrtina  and  oontrivanCfs, 
which  I  heard  in  the  luck  par!,  ol  lite  rriyaU^ry  tn^kinp  an  awfid  flHpijinn 
apd  puJIing)  ftll  dfcplj  and  more  lerribiy  on  the  accne.  it  grew  jtiLch 
dark;  my  poor  little  om-s  cIudr  convulsively  to  my  knees;  an  orpHU 
commenced  playing  a  dead  march — it  was  niiduight — tapers  prestutly 
bcKAU  to  flicker  in  the  darkness—the  orpan  to  moan  more  dismally— | 
and  suddenly,  by  A  hideous  optical  delutiun.  the  church  was  made  to  i 
appear  a^  if  fidlof  people,  the  altar  was  ligliled  up  with  a  moriuaryi 
illumination,  and  the  dreadful  monks  were  in  their  stall?.  i 

"  I  have  been  in  churches.  I  have  thought  the  sermon  lonar.  1  never  ■ 
thought  the  real  service  so  long  as  that  painted  one  which  £  witntssed 
an  the  Tenebrorama.  Mv  <Iear  children  whispered,  '  Take  us  out  of  this  '■ 
place.  Grandpapa.'  I  wouhi  huve  done  so.  X  siarled  to  get  up— (the, 
place  biing  now  dirnly  visible  to  our  eyes,  Rccuslonied  lo  the  darkness,  ■ 
and  disclosing  1  wo ot her  wru'chf 5  Ixjking  on  in  the  twilight  besides  our- 1 
selves) — I  started.  1  say,  to  get  up,  when  the  chtimbcr  began  to  move 
again,  and  I  sank  back  on  my  sc/tt,  not  daring  to  stir. 

"The  next  view  we  saw  was  the  Summit  of  Mount  Arara*.  I  belJev*, 
or  else  of  a  moun'ain  in  Switzerland,  jmt  before  dawn.  1  can't  bear 
looking  down  from  mountains  or  heights ;  when  taken  to  St.  Paid*s  by 
my  dear  mother,  as  a  child,  I  had  well-nigh  fainted  when  brought 
out  into  the  outer  gallery ;  and  this  view  of  Mount  Ararat  is  so  dreadful, 
so  lonely,  to  like  nature,  that  it  was  all  1  could  do  to  prevent  myself 
from  dashing  down  the  peak  and  plunging  into  the  valley  below.  A 
etonn,  the  thunderous  rumble  of  which  made  me  run  cold,  the  fall  of 
an  ATalanche  destroying  a  village,  some  lightning,  and  an  eclipse  I 
believe  of  the  sun,  were  introduced  as  ornRments  to  this  picture,  which 
1  would  as  lief  see  agdiu  as  undergo  a  nightmare. 


"  Mors  dead  than  aUtb.  I  took  mv  darliog  children  out  of  iho  pkee, 

&nd  tenderly  etnbraecd  them  when  I  waa  out  of  th«  door. 

"  The  Haidorama  is  neit  by,  and  my  dear  Httlc  third  gr&ndchLld 
inBiated  upon  seeing  it.  Sir,  wa  unsuspfcUng  ones  went  into  the 
jjlace,  and  saw,  what  ao  you  t!iink  P— the  Fdrthquakc  of  Liabon !  Ships 
were  toBsed  and  dashed  about  The  river  before  us  ia  a  frightful  moniaer. 
Convents  and  castles  toppled  down  before  our  eyes  and  burst  into 
Qames.  We  heard  Iho  al^rieks  of  the  mariDcrs  in  the  BtDrm,  the  groani 
of  the  miserable  people  being  swallowed  up  or  smsflhed  in  the  rocking 
reeling  ruins— tremendous  darkntss,  turid  lightning  flIlAbe^  And  the 
awful  booiTiiag  of  thunderbolia  roared  in  our  eArp,  dfizzled  our  eyes^ 
and  friffhteiK^d  our  lenaea  bo,  that  I  protest  1  WA3  more  dead  than  ad i to 
when  I  quitted  the  premises,  and  don't  know  how  1  found  myself  in  mj 
carriage, 

"We  were  then  driven  lo  the  Zoological  Gardens,  a  place  which  I 
often  like  lo  visit  (keeping  Kway  from  the  Lirger  b^Eutf,  mcH  as  tlio 
beftrs,  who  I  often  fancy  mayjump  from  their  polca  upon  oerlain  unof- 
fending Christians  ;  dnd  the  howling  tigrri  and  lions  who  are  continu- 
ally btilng  the  kerpera'  heads  off),  ami  where  I  like  to  look  at  tfao 
monkiea  in  the  cages  Uho  Utile  rascals  I)  and  the  birds  of  T&rioui 
pLumage, 

"FAJicy  my  feeling?,  Sir,  when  I  saw  in  thwe  gardeaa- m  these 
g&rdens  frequent  ed  by  nursery *niaids,  mother^  and  qhddren,  an  immense 
brute  of  an  elepliai^t  ^hout  a  hundred  feel  hi;^h  rujifhing  about  with  a 
wretched  liUle  child  an  liis  buclc,  and  a  s^in^le  man  vainly  Fnd?avouriD|t 
to  keep  him!  1  ntiiTtd  a  ihriek — I  rall<<d  my  df'ar  children  round 
ahout.  me.  And  I  ani  not  i^hnnied  lo  confess  i^  Sir.  I  ran,  I  ran  for 
refuge  into  a  building  hard  by,  where  1  saw- Ah,  Sir!  I  saw  aq 
inimcnse  hoa  tons' ric'or  swAllowing  a  live  rAhbil— svAllowing  A  Jivo 
rnbhir.  Sir,  and  looking  as  if  he  would  have  swallowed  one  of  my  little 
boys  nlu-TWurd^.  Good  Heavens  i  Sir,  do  we  Uvo  in  a  Chriilii^n 
country.  And  are  pKrenta  and  children  to  be  auhjtcted  to  sighU  like 
liuesc  Y 

"  (!liir  nrit  visit— of  pleasure,  Sir !  bear  wjth  me  whrn\ %by pleamra : 
w.iatoihp  Wajtwork  in  liaker  Street, — of  which  1  have  only  to  aay, 
tim*,  rather  th«in  hL^  liift  &loue  in  ^-4^^  gidlerj  At  nj^hl;  wiib  those 
slaUies,  I  would  consent  to  he  locked  np  with  one  of  rhe  horrid  lions 
at  <lif>  Zoolopic^il  n>ir  dens.— There  is  a  woman  m  black  there  lying  on  a 
sofa,  and  wbyse  brcn^t  henves— there  is  an  old  mnn  whose  h[ad  is 

always  slowly  lurnfng  round— there  la  Her  M tv  and  the  U-y-1 

Children  looking  ji5  if  iJiey  all  had  the  yellow  fever— sights  enough  to 
terrify  rtT/y  Christian  I  should  Ihink— sights  which,  neTcrthelesa,  as  a 
man  and  flgraadfftther,  I  did  not  mind  uadergoiug. 

"  Rut  my  second  boy^  Tommy,  a  prying  iitile  dsre-devil,  full  of  mis- 
chief, must  iii.ii-ii  upon  our  going  to  wbht.  he  called  the  reserved  apart- 
ment, where  Navoleos's  carriage*  was,  be  said,  And  other  ciirioaitica. 
Sir,  lierauaed  me  to  pay  sixpences  for  all  th^  pfyty,  and  introduced  me 
to  whfLt  ? — to  the  Cn\HnEii  of  Hourohs,  Sir !— Ihey  're not  nsbaFncdto 
call  i*.  !-Q — tlif-y 'reproud  of  the  frigliiful  titleand  the  dreadful  cihibition 
— HU-i  Tthnt  did  1  tbi're  bj^liold— rtnirderrrs,  Sir.— nnirdfirers;  some  of 
ihcmin  their  own  roM  blood^UoHKsntkut's  head  oJf  in  a  plat^ — 
Mafiat  ^tuck  ^nd  biuedituin  a  ba.'h — Mu  and  Mks.  Manml^g  in  a 
fiigtvtfiil  collLifjuy  wilh  Got'iutiisiKii  and  FiESCiii  tbout  the  infernal 
m^^cliiuc — A!;d  nty  cliiht,  my  gnLudchikl,  Sir,  laughed  at  my  cti  otion  and 
ttdiciili'd  hid  grAndl'LLthci  s  just  terror  At  witncasing  this  hidcoiii 
flci*tiP ! 

*' Jackv,  my  fifth,  U  bound  for  India— nnd  widicd  lo  seethe  Ovrrland 
Journey  pomr'rflyed,  whxlj,  as  I  also  am  interca'ed  in  the  future  progteaa 
ot  that  darling  ctiild,  I  was  anxious  to  behold.  We  came  into  the  Exbibi- 
tion,  Sir,  just  at  the  moment  when  the  simoom  waa  represented.  Havo 
you  ever  seen  a  simoom.  Sir  ':*  Can  you  hgure  to  yourself  what  a  simoom  is  P 
—a  tornado  of  sand  in  whicli  you  die  before  you  can  say  Jack  Robinson, 
in  which  camels,  horses,  men,  are  swept  into  death  in  an  instant — and 
this  was  tlie  ogrei^ahh  sight  which,  as  a  parent  ^nd  a  man,  I  was  called 
upori  to  witness !  Shuddtring,  and  calling  my  little  charges  around  me, 
I  fiui'ted  Waterloo  PUce,  and  havinjy  treated  tlie  dear  beings  to  a  few 
buns  in  the  l[a\  market,  conducted  thcni  to  their  last  place  of  amuse- 
ment, vi/.,  the  Panorama,  in  Leicester  Place. 

**  A  h,  Sir !  of  what  clay  arc  mortals  supposed  to  be  made,  that  they  can 
visit  that  exliibitionP  Dreams  I  have  had  in  my  life,  but  as  that  view 
of  the  Arctic  Kcgions,  nothing  so  terrible.  My  blood  freezes  as  I  think 
of  that  fri((htful  summer  even— but  what  to  say  of  the  winter  P  By 
Heavens,  Sir,  I  could  not  face  the  sight — the  icy  picture  of  eternal 
snow — the  livid  northern  lights,  the  killing  glitter  of  the  stars ;  the 
wretched  mariners  groping  about  in  the  snow  round  the  ship;  ther 
caused  in  me  such  a  shudder  of  surprise  and  fright— that  I  don  t  blusu 
to  own  I  popped  down  the  cortAin  after  one  single  peep,  and  would  not 
allow  my  chUdren  to  witness  it.  i 

"Are  others  to  be  so  alarmed,  so  misK-d,  ?o  lcrr»fi«dp  1  l>cseech  all 
people  who  hate  nerves  to  pause  ere  thry  go  bight-seeing  at  the  present 
day,  and  remain, 

"  Your  Obedient  Servant, 

"Gou>.u  Mupp." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


J  33 


A  BEAUTIFUL  LEASE. 


^v\^v»ri 


RIDGEWATER   HOtTSE  b«S  b»n 

broaght  before  ParliaiDent; 
LoiLD  Ell£5V  eke  hAviug 
been  ch&rged  vUli  &  duire 
to  obatrnct  the  eye-Ai'^ht  of 
the  public,    bv    erecting   r 

:     wall.     LOBB  KUSSELL  c&me 

i>  to  the  rescue ;  and  he  said 
B  the  wall  w&»  a  very  low  wail« 
5   and — 

"AlthfMgh  Loin    Ellsukbx's 

iBue  evntained  s  cUii*o  |>«vJllMii'>^ 

tU  huSdina  of  a  tntll,  then  viu  no 

im  it     '  


which  prtvnM  Iht 

rwMmg  ef  a  incimdL  and  Ihoreibra, 
If  tb«  (Kiv<>nime»t  wora  to  IntUt 
npon  tho  Hlrlngwnt  enfcreommt  of 
tlio  tcrma  of  tins  Icoso  with  reapwl 
to  thii  vaM,  1»iiu  ELLEMieU 
mljEht  b«  driTcn  to  ralBc  A  noondt 
wkiek  ha  amtd  earry  om  ki$\  m»  Ju 


How  bfautifuUy  must  a 
Irase  be  drawn,  with  wliat  a 
perfect  roaster/  and  eDJo)- 
Dien.1  of  cliicnne  must  a  da- 
cunieut  be  set  fortli,  tlmt 
"prohlhils  tbo  buiUiiig  of  a 
wall,"  but  does  aoL  prevent 
"  the  raising  of  a  mound  !  " 
ITie  wiadora  of  the  Crown  grantors  in  tliis  caw  is  worthy  of  Boitom's 
beat  acting  of  Ifall  ileclf,  even  after  Moticm't  longer  cars  were  on ! 


EUREKA! 

PtTNCii  has  discovered /ie  lunatic  I  From  time  to  time  a  «ane  and 
tliiiikinjr  pubUo  lias  been  ontrAfrd  by  paragrapLi  inserted  in  the  papers 
by  tbe  CiiANC£LLOit  or  the  Exchequer— paragrnphs.  arltnowledgiiig 
receipt  of  cerlaiu  aum* — for  ihepaymcnt  of  tlic  National  Deb*.  Grateful 
tliaalTs  for  apoonfiils  lakfu  from  tlie  ocean  !  Tlie  maniac  is  now  riii- 
corerrd,  and  is  one  Mb.  Bkkson,  whoso  caso  was  heard  at  Liverpool 
the  other  day.    He  weut 

"In  AtiKTiAtlfiaL  tu  tlie  TrtftmiiT  in  LondoD,  f«r  tlie«Jiprefl«  purpow  ofpRrliinoffllio 
n*Ui>iULl  ili'M ;  lie  Ill-Ill  tUftt  it  wiut  pAid  off ;  iind  lie  cnulu  do  the  wuao  vltli  n  struko  of 
hU  pen  on  tiU  banker,  cr  wlietxvvr  lie  pleaml  tu  put  hU  Imnd  in  lib  pockot" 

The  man  wa%  bv  vrrdir^,  returned  of  unanund  miod;  and  the  only 
reason  that  has  iiiducetl  Punrk  to  kdvert  to  tbe  matter  i«,  1o  put  it  to 
tlic  CHANcrLLOii  'IF  THE  ExciLEQUKTi  whclKfT,  a?i  a  Cliancellor  and  a 
genlliman,  \\f.  uiii»ht  not,  upon  tliis  di?C(ivery,  lo  luiud  overall  mm*,  as 
abovenamttl  rrreived  by  him,  to  tlie  lunds  of  Hftdlaui  ?  AVc  trust  Sill 
Petek  Laukie.  as  the  very  useful  Kovemor  ot  tbat  estAblisbment,  will 
not,  la  thifl  maiter,  permit  himself  to  bo  "  pat  down  "  by  the  Minister. 


VEKY  POOR  SCHOLARS. 

Tin:  following  advertisement,  with  its  italics  and  its  inverted  commas 
—to  say  nothing  of  its  inverteu  grammar—appeared  just  as  we  giro  it, 
in  a  Scotch  periodical :— 


M 


RS. 


fiCUOLAS-nC  ESTABLISEIUKNT,  KO. 
-AND  Co.  liAvc  •'      V  -  *'   ~  "  ■'-  - 


f  r 


(J  uiLnlUus  (o  Uuslr  LUt  of  • 
aureus  in  *'M(iJt(yaMfj<ituA"  i:  ■ 
roNdJi/j/ odnc&ted  FnnoliwoniaiL  l^^itju'u  lum  n<'>:cu  < 
"  Ex^mIUiU  Dufi  OoMmutMj'  wUAi.  with  tJwlr  n^uttt 
wlU  1M  aippy  to  lapply  BtamSoi  "  QrMtkitomty" 


Mid 

ia#- 


1  mi- 


i\rn  ariu 


KtiJ  "  pravtfthlUiU"  Uw/ 


A  HINT  FOR  THE  PUBLISHERS. 

An  the  publiabing  beason  will  soon  be  in  full  play— which  means 
tlial  there  will  be  plenty  of  work — we  aiinest  Ihe  following  as  titles  of 
}>oc>ks,  to  succeed  tbe  publication  of  " People  I  have  Met/'  by  an 

Aiiterican ; — 

People  1  have  Taken  djto  Cxtstodt.  by  a  Polipenian. 
People  that  have  AIet  he  Half-way,  by  an  Insolvent. 
Pkoi-le  I  have  Spij^shed,  by  a  !>c»veDger. 
P>:opi.K  I  H^vF  DoNK,  by  a  Jew  Bdl-D»sco»nfer, 
Pkupi-b  1  HAVE  AnusED,  by  a 'Bus  Conductor. 
Pkople  I  HAVE  Hun  Over,  by  a  Butcher's  Boy. 
Vs-OYix  I  HAVE  Run  Agaijist,  by  a  Sweep. 


Our  Money  Article. 

"Pat  Tfttdr  money  for  cvervthiDg  vou  liave,  and  you'H  never  vet 
into  debt,"  aaya  Fiunku.v.  or  Joseph  Humr,  or  some  great  economist. 
If  this  is  true  with  regard  to  private  indiviiluals,  how  much  truer  it 
must  he  when  applied  to  Govemmeuls!  Would  iAigland  be  owing  her 
National  Debt  at  the  present  moment,  if  she  had  always  gone  upon  the 
system  of  ready  money  F  If  we  had  our  way,  no  country  nhould  go  to 
war  till  It  bad  money  sufficient  to  pay  all  Ihe  expanses.  Tbis  plan,  if 
enforced  generally  amorigst  all  nations,  would  tend  more  to  the  atioliiion 
of  war  Uian  anyliiinj^  else.  The  best  Peace  Society  is,  dejiend  upon  it, 
ReadtMoret.  ItisherPrcsidmt.Vice  rresiJeut.ii.eudwrsSfcrctarr, 
banker's  account,  and  everything  Tbe  only  difficulty  is  to  know  where 
tu  nud  it  1 


We  were  not  previously  aware  that  " solidity"  of  a  "surpassing" 
order  is  looked  upon  as  a  desirable  qualdy  in  a  Governess.  We  ca**, 
however,  understand  that,  where  Blarratiou  prices  are  paid,  a  ^ovemea^ 
with  "  a  leaa  and  hungry  look  "  wotdd  b?  avoided,  aa  likely  to  betray 
the  meanness  of  the  employer,  and  that  a  lady,  therefore,  with  a  large 
capital  of  fat  to  begin  upon,  wliich  would  take  a  good  deut  of  briupng 
down  in  a  stiniry  Tamily,  might  be  more  likelv  to  suit  llian  one  of, 
pbysically  speaking,  "more  slender  pretensions. 

The  wording  of  tbe  advertisement  issued  from  the  Sdtolaatic  Esta- 
blishment seems  to  indicate  that  all  the  Icaruing  is  sent  out  bo  rapidly 
ttiAt  there  is  none  left  for  ordinary  use  on  the  promises.  As  to  Syntax, 
{he  stock  is  evidently  quite  exhausted,  and  wc almost  wonder  that  there 
is  enough  Orthograpuy  left,  on  hand  to  supply  Ihe  sprllin^  of  even  a  8lir»fl 
advertisement.  We  should  be  glad  to  nee  some  of  those  *' tliorouglily 
eduratod  Frenchwonien,  English  and  Scotch  of  tItelirAt  order,"  whA, 
no  doubt,  belong  to  the  class  of  ci'izens  of  llie  world,  and  nrt*  ihun  qua- 
lified to  be  described  n<<,  at  the  same  timf*,  Frsnch,  Knpli  '  .'cli, 
by  the  directors  of  the  Scholastic  Establishment.  1  ^mg 
porlion  of  Ihc  adveriiscment,  announcing  some  *i... .,...,  [)»y 
Governesses,  whicb.  wi'h  their  usual  c^ve  and  promptitude,  ihev  will 
be  happy  to  supply  families  gratuitously,"  ia  rather  myaterious.  Whose 
"  care  and  prtimulitudc  "  are  intended  lo  be  iuduiated,  and  if  it  is  tlie 
"care"  of  the  advertisers,  what  i^  meant  by  suppljringaGovfrmesawiih 
"care  " — as  if  the  expression  alluded  In  komc  article  requiring  caution 
in  the  packing f  "  Gratuitously,"  too,  h  a  word  that  adds  to  our  dillU 
ciipy,  (or  though  thcic  iaagreat  deal  of  cnupeiitiou  among  i\ir.  nuror* 
tunatc  class,  wo  have  not  heard  that  they  have  commcueed  tbe  prATlioe 
that  ust'd  to  be  con<mou  in  the  old  oppoiji>ion  coaching  days,  and  that, 
tiiey  arc  Trying  lo  run  each  other  ofT  the  roai  to  knowledge,  by  takiag 
pitpils  for  uoUiing. 

Altogether,  the  advertisement  we  have  quoted  is  a  specimen  of  the 
fact  that  too  much  cheapness  will  rifect.  its  own  cure,  for  we  veutiitc  lo 
assert  that  any  one  really  in  wnut  of  cducution,  even  of  the  plhinest 
kind,  f'jr  his  children,  will  nol,  if  be  can  appreciate  llie  llrst  chapter  of 
(be  Grammar,  seek,  the  arltclc  he  rti^uirrs  in  Ihe  t'coteh  "SrhoUstic 
Establish  mrul.." 


The  World's  "  Multum  in  Farvo." 

Wk  are  told  iha*.  a  Company  is  on  fool  for  Ihe  purpose  of  buyim? 
up  LoKD  Bholouam.  The  object  of  the  purel-nse  is  to  send  in  tbe 
Hon.  Lord  a^  tbe  forlbcoming  Exiiibition  ot  1S5L  With  his  Lordship 
lie  Company  fcrU  f uro  of  winning  the  great  prize,  as  there  is  scarcely 
a  thing  lliat  ttc  does  not  know  something  of;  and  if  they  can  only  keep 
lii  II  from  talking,  thf-y  feel  prrsuadcd  they  can  palm  him  off  as  (ho 
hiosI  wonderful  Kpecinien  of  iHritish  industry.  "We  arc  sorely  afn»i ', 
however,  tiiat  the  Companv,  let  it  liave  the  weal'h  of  California  added 
even  to  that  of  Monte-Christo,  must  be  ruined,  if  it  is  compelled  to 
take  Loud  Bbougiiam  at  his  own  valuation. 


dreadful  rourLAivT  or  o;fE  or  the  irvGs  of  inr  MhTitopoLia. 

Loon  DuKCAN  complains  of  encroachments  upon  the  Green  Park. 
If  these  encroachmeuLs  are  allowrd — and  th^y  arc  very  lik*ly  lo  increase, 
since  it  appears  that  the  Oillcers  cf  the  Woods  and  Forests  do  not 
know  the  boundaries  of  the  property  Ihey  are  supposed  to  have  the  care 
of— theic  will  soon  be  no  Park  left,— and  the  spot  it  formerly  occupied 
will  be  known  in  history  as  the  "  Ikvisible-Giuen  Park." 


the  metbopolitan  wateb-butt. 


The  noble  Eakl  of  Catlusle  presented  a  petition  "from  the  pari»h 
of  Christ  Church,  SpitallietJs,  complaining  of  the  supply  of  water  to  the 
metropolis."  If  the  petitioners  complain  of  the  iuppl^  of  water  to 
SpitalfieldS,  we  are  sure  they  can  have  very  little  to  complain  of. 


■* 


XKW  BBADTKO  07  AN  r)[J)  PARUAUEKTABT  LAV. 

Strangehs  (iJi/ji  u  fo  iajf,  the  Roifal  Jcademi/)  are  ordered  to  with- 
draw from  tlie  (NuiuMat) 


•%»>Ok 


CA  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


.     ^-^.^K   OF   CHARACTER.-THE    SICK    BACHELOR. 


";   .^.^  .«ftWfCT  it  is  time  to 


-4  Uin,»Bd,  as  it 

,-  iiffv  liim. 

;  niOTWul  a  hcATy 


^'V' 
^    \ 


K  la  m 
'  ..  n^  I*    *mt  tlia*. 

xiA>»  *iu^m  it^^r, 

., ..   "  \u.ii»*iu:  inttmf  ol 

', .,,  s«v  »«i*M«  mil"  Hii'^rl* 
■   ,  .  v«     (iwlfflil  of  broths, 

.   \»i  «tU  %\\*  liprovfltert, 
'.  lAiioM*.  iradMoienB  |_ 

'"•irhMimost  cries  ovn  the  unkindnes^  the  tyranny 
'  *  '«xinoJ.ri^»t  Draco's  Ui»s  were  wriit^nin  m-lk 
\ CSV  and  yet  he  rrcon.c's    the  kmdness  he 


reeeired  Trom  eervants,  from  every  one,  when  he  waa  iU  at  home^  and  tho 
Sick  Bacuklob  closes  his  eyes  to  ga^e  u^n  the  liappy  picture. 

What  a  SDUg  room !  Every  comfort  u  there  that  can  make  (he 
heavy  wheels  of  time  roll  on  as  softly  as  possible.  What  a  neat  of 
a  bed !  and  at  the  head  of  it  he  sees  his  mother,  leaning  over  him, 
pArting   his   hair,    kissing  his   forehead,  and  every  minute  asking 

him  in  a  voice  through 
which  the  affection 
gushes  like  tears,  "if  he 
feels  any  better?"— he 
sees  his  sister,  nature's 
kindest  nurse,  sitting  up 
withbimall  night,  moving 
if  he  moves,  anticipating 
every  one  of  his  wants, 
gazing  into  liis  face  for 
hope,  and  smiling  at  him 
sometimes  in  spite  of  it, 
coaxing  him,  like  a  child, 
to  go  to  sleep,  and  hold- 
ing his  hand  between 
hers  till  he  falls  into  a 
gentle  slumber  again — 
iie  sees  his  Tatlter  couiing 
into  the  room  the  first 
thing  in  the  morning,  and 
treatling  on  tip'oe  lest 
he  slmll  awake  him— he 
recollects  what  a  mo- 
mfnt  of  aniiety  it  wan 
when  the  Doctor  paid  hiii 
daily  visit,  and  how  every 
one  waited  in  silenc! 
round  the  curtained  t)ed, 
lo  hoar  what  he  said,  and 
then  rushed  to  cheer  him 
and  kiss  him  full  of  hope 
— he  recollects  all  these, 
and  many  more  little  in- 
cidents of  love  and  ten- 
dpTiifR?,  for  I  hey  bang  round  bis  childhood, 
like  imruorleilfx,  which  his  memory  loves  lo 
"  keep  gnen/* 

How  differeTit  his  present  illness  !  There 
ia  no  one  to  comfort  liim,  to  ntake  liim 
forget  by  kindness  the  prieon-house  he  is 
couftncd  in.  His  loneliness  chills  him.  It 
Ihniwa  a  frost  round  everjtbing,  and  he 
lbiLk«,  an  AiiAU  thought  when  he  wasaBa* 
ehtlor  ithe  ffaclielor  davs  of  Adah  would 
ninke  a  mmi  curious  book)  and  prayed  for  A 
wife,  that — 

■■  To  dip  niiint  lie  to  Hvo  &lone, 
Uiiliivcd,  uikclwrMbcil,  and  unknoTn." 

The  Bachelor  is  moved ;  the  rock  of  his 
p^n:i^itn  is  Bofietied,  and  it  IS  ver>  stranKC, 
bui  ttjtra— real  1  Pars— bubble  up  from  hia 
)ir£tf,  like  v&kr  from  adried-up  well  in  the 
Di'sfrf. 

Ue  TiDgs  ap;ain,  and  bv  some  accident  ilie 
Lflnudre  ?a  hiMR  ijim.  '1  lie  Sick  HACiiEi.oii 
has  \\U  Tnedicine,  and  lays  down  his  head 
fmtetul  for  it. 

If  be  is  grateful  for  a  spoonful  of  medicine, 
yii\\aX  «culd  Lc  be  for  a  kind  word  or  a 
good  dinner! 


The  Mercantile  Press. 


TiTE  resignation  of  the  Chairmanship  of 
Llovd's  has  cau!>ed  the  question  to  be  asked 
in  fiterary  circles  whether  any  change  will 
cectir  in  tbe  i^ditorship  of  Llo^d^t  LUt^  or 
wflether  the  arrang:ements  will  contmue 
the  same  for  the  management  of  that  racy  periodical.    We  are  happy 


to  announce,  from  our  ovn  peculiar  sources  of  information,  that  the 
onlv  chance  in  this  spicy— and  occasiorally  all-spicy— journal  will  be 
the  assumption  of  the  motto  of  "List!  Lutl!  Oh!  Lloyd's  LUt!!!** 
f.om  Uamlei. 


■P 


mimmm 


^^J^^ 


"AIN'T    I    VOLATILE?" 

Iiord  B — gh— m  as  Miss  Mowcher. 


"  Bi,B  6   v<'i7.    iivx   Ai.ivK !     I'm   iikuk  axo   iiiEiu:,   and    where   sut,5Juke   ihe  OiNJL'nou'rf   iiAi.r-cnowv   in   the    lady' 
HASBKrrtfUUiL     AitM     VitrRi     Wiiir  a  uattlk  1  am  !— Ain't  I  volatii.c ?**—&■<  ** David  CoppcrJUlii." 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


^ 


137 


A-BRIDGE-MENT  OF  ENGLISFI  GEOGRAPHY. 

You  would  imagine  lltat  Louis  Nafoleon,  Trom  I  be  time  he  had 
been  in  KiigUnd,  vould  kriiw  somettiinfr  nhout  Kngli>li  srograph^,  and 
)'cl  in  one  of  the  recent  numbers  of  Le  Aapofrfn,  of  wliich  he  ii  (he 
repulcd  editor  or  tub-editor,  there  iipp  ara  the  followinjf  miafRkc :  — 

"  Over  the  Strata  of  Heoal  mhI  Bangnr,  betwoen  Eaglu<l  %ni  tnlukA,  there  rtnui  n 

iiiHi>enBlon  brldi^u,  &cr 

Tliis  is  not  bo  bad  lo  flfart  with,  but  the  mistakes  grrow  thicker  and 
thicker  as  ihe  article  Rcta  longer,  till  at  last  we  are  lold  that  the 
object  of  llie  new  tnbuUr  bridge  is  uoihiug  less  than  to 

"JoiMdrt  U  M4d:Trlinde  A  crlut  <U  la  mitrapM* 

And  Ihe  remainder  of  Ihfi  article  proves  that  one  end  of  the  tubular 
bridge  is  iupporteii  on  the  English  coast,  and  the  other  on  the  Irisb. 
Wfl  are  sure  ih&t  Mil  Stkpiienson  will  be  astoiii.thrd  to  hear  this,  and 
will  rc-joice  that  his  repuUtioti  rests  upon  a  more  sulid  foundatiuu  than 
the  bridge  in  the  article  in  i\it  A^apoltOH.  It  is  jast  as  absurd  as  if, 
talking  of  the  Pjhsident  of  the  Iiepuduc,  we  were  to  say, 

"II  /viHf  Ut  talent*  dd  nm  OncU  4  en^-c  yn'ii  pouid*  Ui-mtme," 

The  Btrelcb  in  the  one  instance  would  be  nogrealer  than  in  the 
other.  The  probability  is,  ihat  the  author  of  (he  above  rich  mistake 
had  been  reading  some  hiirhly  pocTical  lendinx  article  about  the 
"tubular  bridtcc  connecting  Enslttnd  and  Ireland  in  ihe  closest  links 
logfther,"  and  thnt  he  hnd  tnkcn  it  all  litendlr.  It  is  only  a  pity  that 
the  Uull  (iid  not  make  its  hpi>earaiica  a  littlo  earlier,  l^or,  from  ita  titc, 
it  might  have  hgurcd  grandly  in  the  Carnival  as  the  Ba^f-Grai. 


•'Now  Beady." 

KSADT  Money  !  One  of  the  greatest  difficulties  of  life  is  that  Ucady 
Money!  It  never  is  ready  when  you  want  it!  it  is  like  a  woman 
who  says  she  is  *'  perfectly  ready,"  and  then  rims  up  stairs  to  gel  her 
gloves,  or  handkercliicf,  or  card-case,  or  something.  You  wait  ten 
niiiiutes,  half-an-hour.  till  at  last,  tired  of  wailing,  you  go  without  her. 
So  It  is  with  Heady  Money !  I  have  wailed  for  it  so  long— all  my  life 
I  mar  say— Iha'  now  1  go  without  it.— J^w^tf  Rtmid,  ot  prttent  on  a 
ruti  to  (he  Qac-H^i  B^nrk, 


THE  INDUSTRY  OP  ALL  N.\T10N8. 

Thb  great  fathering  of  1S51  is  cot  specifically  appointed  to  include 
living  production!^,  but  wc  have,  nevertheless,  heard  of  a  few  that  will 
most  assuredly  present  thrmBelvps.  The  French  will  contribute  a  good 
sprinkling  of  tnrir  chevulieri  dUHdmirie,  and  the  rursl  distriota  of 
England  will  send  up  their  full  quota  of  raw  malerial  to  be  dealt  wi'h 
or  done — as  raw  material  is  generally  doomed  lo  be. 

We  may  perhaps  he  excusrd  for  suggesting  a  few  animated  sublecta 
that  might  be  added  lo  the  rxhibi'.ion  without  fear  of  over-crowdmg, 
as  the  specimens  of  the  articles  we  are  about  lo  name  would  be  limited 
by  their  exceeding  rarity. 

A  man  bom  with  a  silver  spoon  in  his  mouth, 

A  ditto  made  of  nine  t^tlors 

A  ditto  who  has  dined  wi(h  Dpkb  ITrMpnnKr. 

A  governess  who  has  been  wil  ing  to  nccepf,  instead  of  rennjurratiou, 
a  comforl&ble  home,  ami  who  has  found  the  consideration  realised. 

A  young  gentleman  who  has  been  liberally  boarded  and  well  educated 
for  10  guineas  per  annum. 

Somebody  wuo  has  found  something  lo  bis  advantage  after  having 
heard  cf  ir  from  Jostrtt  AnT._ 

The  laughing  eye  wi'h  the  light  in  it. 

A  man  wi  h  all  hia  beat  feehngs  possessing  him. 


THE  WOODEN  WALLS  AND  THE  WOODEN  HEADS  OF 
ENGLAND. 

Tne  sale  of  old  naval  stores  in  1819  amounted  to  £-12,403. 

The  sale  of  old  ships  amounted  lo  £2.911. 

The  latter  item,  we  think,  is  iwignificantly  small,  considering  wtiAt 
a  perfect  hard— first  chop,  we  may  say — the  Admiralty  is  in  buihling 
ships,  and  cutting  (hem  up  again.  It  would  not  be  n  bad  spi-cnlntiou, 
by  the  bye,  to  open  a  liifle  store  shop  nexf  doortothoAdmiraltv,  where 
I  he  new  ships  might  be  sold  in  penny  bundles  of  firewood,  and  boxes  of 
iicifer-matchcs.  An  Elliott  (if  there  is  one  left  unemploycii)  ahfrtild 
be  put  at  the  head  of  the  cst&blishmenS  and  a  little  black  doll,  in  (be 
shape  of  Ellenhorougu  or  Minto,  might  be  sufp^ndrd  over  the 
doorway,  so  as  to  attract  the  notice  of  Siit  VVii.mau  Stsionds,  nnd 
the  other  Government  ship- breakers.  (Jver  the.  portico  should  be 
written,  in  Ihe  pi'ouliar  rag  and- bottle  kind  of  long  spidery  letterr, 
the  following  board :— 

Titis  IS  Titu  Cheap  Original  Muiisb  Store  Shop. 

N .B.  £ett Price ffiv€nft,r Netoig Launched Menof^War* 


EXHIBITION  OF  IDLENESS. 

Lonn  Bbougbam  objects  to  Hyde  Park  as  jhe  site  for  the  proposed 
Exhibition  ol  the  Industry  of  all  Nations.  It  is  but  fair,  however,  that 
Industry  should  compete  with  its  opposite  on  the  latters  own  ground. 
For  a  long  scries  of  years,  from  February  to  August,  there  has  been 
held,  in  the  Ring  of  Hyde  Park,  a  daily  Eihibition  of  Idleness.  The 
Industry  of  all  Nations  may  afTord  a  lesson  to  the  Idleness  of  one.  It 
mast  not  be  supposed,  however,  that  our  lounging  fashionables  and  lazy 
footmen  furnish  the  sole  criterion  of  our  Dational  Idleness,  To  form  aa 
adequf^^e  idea  of  that  qualiry,  it  is  necessary  to  take  into  account  our 
defecfive  drainage,  putrescent  Thames,  thirty  thousand  s'arving  needle- 
women, and  multitudinous  rogues ;  the  stupendous  result  of  inattention, 
indifference,  and  indolence. 


Mr.  Ferrand's  Real  Substitute  for  the  Oom-Law  Fleece: 

Mil.  W.  B.  FisKRAXp,  at  tiie  Pontefract  Protectionist  Meeting  last 
weckj  is  reported  to  have  made  the  following  proposition  for  the  relief 

of  agriculture  :— 

^'  l^t  the  fArrnvn  r>rG rent  Brluln  and  Irflsad  enter  Irio  n  voni  l^tRur,  tntl  vf'W 
tliry  iril)  iioTcr  npiiii  w«ftr  cotton,  iftlwr  can  1mi  pn^vldcd  witti  linrn  nr  wtvoUfn  Knoda^ 
tnJ  lo  (no  yean  tbc  cottoD-cplDoen  of  Ltneuhlra  will  eompoand.   (L«m4  eA««-«.V 

To  this  suggestion  of  Mr.  FERiuND*a  there  is  little  doubt  that  the 
farmcra  will  stop  their  ears— with  cotton  itself. 


A   liaVORTn  OP  SBNTIKSKT. 

Ws  admire  a  beautiful  woman,  and  in  the  next  breath  ask  1k>w  old 
she  is  ?  This  is  very  stupid,  for  the  most  beautiful  thing  in  the  worM 
is  the  Sun,  and  about  the  oldest. ~/fAi-iM  after  IHitmr, 


golden  nni  io  TRivfLtfiu. 


The  best  LeUi^rs  of  introduction,  and  the  best  Letters  of  credit  to  tnrel 
with,  are  decidedly  £  t,  rf. 


133 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    BACHELORS*    LEAGUE, 

T  inuif  highly  re- 
spectable uninar- 
rieil  men,  it  has 
long  been  felt  as 
a  great  grievance, 
that  they  sboald 
be  liable  to  certain 
very  heavy  duties, 
tvn*i  in  order  to 
rtlrasethemBelves 
fruni  these  duties, 
n  I<Agne  basbsen 
foriued  by  a  batch 
of  bachelors.  A 
frieiiJ,  whose  sin- 
Mttness  of  purpose 
nonsists  of  a  pur- 
poiie  to  remain 
laiiigle  as  long  as 
lie  can,  has  fa- 
voured us  wi'h  a 
pliinee  at  a  few  cf 
the  rules  laid  down 
for  the  giiidnncs 
of  the  Lea.^ue  of 
Bachelors. 

l«f.   K^ery   bachelor  jeininj?  IheLeaEjne  is  lo  cancel  all  preTioua  enuaeeinf'nfs. 
Snd,  Kvciy bachelor  having  subscribed  for  iWe  jeara  to  the  Lcafrue,  and  wlio,  by  misfortune, 
shall  lifcve  incurred  n    matriinonia!  enp^aeemea^  shnll  be  defended   a^ninst    uny  action  for 
breach  of  promise,  and  I hua  saved  from  Ine  slume  and  mvsery  of  K<)iDK  through  the  Court  of 
Hymeii,  which  is  t-oo  frcquenlly  another  name  for  (he  Insolvent  Court. 

Srd.  Coniifcted  wifh  the  Lcai^ue  it  is  intended  to  establish  a  Bachelors*  Insurance 
Office,  to  insure  einf^l*;  men  at^ainat  marria^'e  and  flirtatiQn,  on  the  aanie  ]jrtricipies  as  are 
usnaUyitpDitrd  to  death  and  fire.  An^  memb:'r  having  visited  wilfullir  a  house  ?ith  more  than 
fvro  niarriEigervijle  da^ighters  wilL  in  the  event  of  the  calamity  gf  marriage  befalliDg 
him,  be  regarded  in  the  same  Uynt  as  f^io  de  j^,  and  liia  policy  will  be  viijatpd  on  account  of 
the  very  bad  policy  that  will  have  g<iicled  him.  Any  bachelor  fallins— in^o  matrimony— by 
his  own  hatid,  as  \a  the  case  of  a  written  promise  to  wcfl,  will  be  deprived  of  all  the  bene&ts 
of  his  insurance,  and  every  applicant  proponin?  to  he  insured  must  on^ner  the  following 
question*,  atnong  others  tiiat  will  be  proposrd  to  him:— 
Wh^^  19  your  age  next  birthday? 

At:  what  age  had  your  father  the  miflrortnne  to  marry  your  molhctf 

Have  you  been  afHicted  with  the  Polka  or  olher  mftnia?  are  you  auhjecn©  sentimental 
fitsP  have  you  hreti  siddicted  to  the  writinff  of  annnefaP  or  have  you  ever  suffered  from  the 
eacoet^a  seti&fmfi  in  any  sbiipe,  or  at  any  time  whatever  ? 

Hav«  yo«  at  any  lime  in  your  life  been  a  victim  lo  the  flale,  or  any  olher  deadly-lively 
insirumenl? 

Have  any  of  your  near  relalioni  fallen  in  love  at  any  time:,  and  if  so,  Imva  they  recovered, 
or  have  their  cases  ended  futallv  ? 

If  these  qucatioDS  are  all  answered  in  a  ia^iafaclory  maiiner,  anj;  member  of  the 
Bachelor*'  titaguc  may  imure  any  aniDimL  undrr  £5^X>0j  to  be  paid  wi'liin  three  months  of 
the  melancholy  teradnatioa  of  bis  SiLtgle  career,  on  proof  of  wedlock  having  actually 
overlaken  him. 

The  Iniurancc  a^iost  flirtation  or  fire  cannot  he  effect)  d  where  (he  applicant  is  more  than 
ordinarily  iDilantniable,  and  waterin^'places  in  the  season^  bnlls,  aiiU  picnic  parties  mus^  be 
CODfiideTcd  as  doubly  or  trebly  liozardona,  and  charged  accordingly, 

A  gre&i  moral  engine  will  be  kept  om  the  premises^  so  Iha^  in  case  of  an  alarm  of  fire,  any 
member  m^  have  cold  water  thrown  upon  him  without  ex.tra  preniiuut. 


MEANNKSS  REWAKDTO. 

"A  MechaKIC,*'  describing  him^flfa^a  forPman  ia  an  Kt^enhive  eatabtishment,  related 
in  a  letU;r  whick  uppeared  last  week  in  the  7VffjM^  the  followif>if  patisfactnry  instance  of 
propflr  snifit  on  the  part  of  his  fellow -workmen.  He  and  they,  whoie  nu^ili'^ra  amount,e(l  to 
nrarly  200  mep,  had  raised  a  general  siibscription  for  thft  purpose  of  laking  thtir  wives  i 
and  families  a  trip  by  railway  to  ihe  Hta-caaat.  un  UNod  Fridniy.  and  returtiiiig  on  Easter . 
Mondav  or  Tit es aaj.  *  Tb^  railway  direciori,  it  miRliL  hnvvi  brcn  fiUpptvscd,  would  have 
been  willing  to  enlarge  their  usual  ncconmiodation  of  rt^tum  tickets  to  Iht-SG  poor  people, 
if  but  as  A  piecp  of  seasonable  benevolence^— an  Easier  olTermg  of  charity.  Forget' ing,  how- 
ever, all  puch  Easier  ducF,  i hose  gentlemen  contracted  ins) sad  of  extcjiditig  their  ordinary 
jibendity  in  ih\v  respfctj  and  made  the  rcturri  tickets  available  for  oub  day  only.  The  men 
indignantly  "reyolted"  at  this  "shameful  imposition,"  and  their  e:tciirsif>n  scheme  was 
abandoned ;  a  circumBlance  to  be  regretpted  only  on  nccomat  of  the  good  folks'  loss  of  a 
Loliday.  A  weightier  loss,  we  rejttice  to  sav,  was  STiataincd  hy  tiiB  railway  companies,  who 
were  Hdb  lo*ers  of  about  £75  from  "  A  Mechanic's"  shop  alone.  By  this  systpm  of  "auick 
returns,"  then,  the  railway  compames  are  likely  to  make  appropriately  "Bninll  profits,  and 
we  hope  that  a  oontiauAlly  decreasing  income  will  be  the  reward  of  their  peraeveranoe  in  so 
tDcan  a  Use. 


THE  MILITART  BILLY  TAILOB. 

Billy  Tailok  wm  a  poor  yonns  feIiow» 
Well  nigh  starred  as  he  ooola  bo ; 

And  his  wrongs  he  did  diskiver 
To  a  Public  fair  and  free. 

Fiddeioldiday,  Tiddeloldidar,  te 

Several  hundred  clothiers'  workmen. 

Clad  in  tatters,  thin  arrav, 
And  they  met,  for  Billy  Tailob 

To  demand  sufficient  pay. 
Fiddeioldiday,  &c* 

Them  to  help  Ihtir  object  arter, 
Aldkrman  Sidney  took  the  chair. 

The  various  causes  countin'  ovofi 
Of  their  heavv  grief  and  care. 

Fiddeioldiday,  &c. 

Yen  as  he  corned  to  make  that  sta'eiDCn^ 

Vot  he  blamed  above  the  rest, 
Wos  the  uniform-trade,  vitch  he  n'pp'd  open. 

And  disiiver'd  how  the  troops  are  dresfc. 
Fiddeioldiday,  &c. 

Wen  as  the  Public  corned  for  to  bear  oa% 

Says  they,  "  Wot  kindof  trade'sthiihcnr'' 
Says  SiDKEY, "  'Tisthetrade  of  a  gallant  warrior, 
Who  buys  so  cheap,  and  who  seUs  so  dear." 
Fiddeioldiday,  &o. 

"  If  *i  is  the  trade  of  a  gallant  warrior* 

Tell  unto  us  his  rank,  we  pray." 
*'  His  rank,  kind  friends,  is  that  of  Colonel, 

Who  by  clothing  gets  his  pay." 
Fiddeioldiday,  &c. 

"  If  as  he  gets  his  pay  by  clothing, 
That 's  a  way  both  mean  and  near. 

Get  up  early  some  fine  mominfr* 
Ana  upset  this  trade  unfair." 
F'iddeluldiday,  &c« 

The  ChfonicU  got  up  one  6ne  morning, 

Early  as  by  break  of  day. 
And  he  saw  poor  Billy  Tailor, 

Working  life  and  soul  away. 
Fiddeioldiday,  &c. 

Then  he  call'd  for  IIuue  and  Cobdev, 

Vilch  did  come  at  his  command; 
And  he  snatch'd  poor  Billy  Tailor 

FVom  the  clothing  Coloners  hand. 
Fiddeioldiday,  &c. 

Yen  as  the  Public  corned  for  to  bear  on 't, 
Werry  much  applauded  the  shut-np  shop, 

Kept  BO  long  as  free  life-tenant, 
By  the  gallant  Coix)NEL  Slop. 
Fiddeioldiday,  &c. 


VICES  OF  SPEECH. 


The  contemplated  abolition  of  the  Irish  Yioe- 
royalt^  ha^  furnished  a  fruitful  theme  for  com- 
ment in  the  would-be  jocular  circles.  Some  do 
not  scruple  to  affirm  that  the  Government  will 
rival  Fatiif.r  Mathew  in  the  glory  of  haviniT 
suppressed  the  National  Vice  of  Ireland.  Others 
go  80  far  as  to  say  that  the  Irish  wdl  be  no 
longer  able  to  complain  of  being  impoverished 
by  this  country  when  thry  cease  to  be  under  the 
screw  of  an  Englidi  Yice.  Some,  again,  are 
rash  enough  to  predict  that,  when  Ireland  has 
no  longer  a  Viceroy,  her  present  lamentable  con- 
dition wilt  be  (juite  vice  versa.  A  few  bare 
had  the  desperation  to  afiirm,  that  the  "  golden 
round"  of  Irish  Vice-Sovereignty  bat  been 
nothing  else  than  a  vicious  circle.  Justioe^  how- 
ever, compels  us  to  state,  that,  in  none  of  these 
playful  liberl  ies  taken  with  words,  has  anything 
been  intended  in  disparagement  of  tho  |nrsent 
Lord-Lieutenant,  whose  vice-regal  career,  daring 
the  most  trying  vicissitudes,  is  allowed  on  au 
hands  to  have  been  perfectly  unvitiated. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


139 


MOCK  FOREIGN  INTELLIGENCE. 

(From  our  own  Opm^tonAnt,  B*lirn¥ui,  JfarcM  K.) 

ExBX  I  am,  u  poor  Stnclaik  uird  to  say  in  7/arrp  Bertram,  "  like 
lovOjUioiig  the  roses."  Thii  is  not  a  mwe/a^OJi  deparJer  with  dip,  I 
can  iutare  tou^  when,  between  four  and  six  in  the  afternoon,  I  taxe 
my  Uiunial  canter  in  Hjde  Park,  amid  the  flowers  of  ariatocrafic 
loveineia.  "'Tis  tme"  slightW  to  vary  a  Bjrrobic  aphorinni.  "jour 
Kn^jsh  Kiss  is  very  channioff,'' and  tbta  la  a  truth  that  1  have  of 
late  amply  Tf  riOed ;  though,  for  some  weeks,  the  restrictiona  of  the 
weather  olHce  bare  sadly  interfered  wiib  the  attractions  of  the 
Ring.  N'importe:  the  bracing  air  creates  an  appetite,  and  nuhing 
off^  to  a  petit  dintr  with  a  few  choioe  spirits  at  the  ClarendoD, 
I  indemnify  myself  for  the  mangua  of  the  ooular  rrpast,  by  a  more 
substantial  if  lesi  sentimental  banquet,  llie  cSttUtm  h  la  Maintenon 
here  are  very  much  de  mon  (^/,  hut  yon  wotild  acarcely  believe  how 
hard  it  is  to  get  good  potatoes.  This  reminds  me  ihat  the  Irish  Viceroy 
is  to  be  abolished,  as  thn  national  escnleut  was  like  to  have  been  a  year 
or  two  ago — pardon  Ihii  badinaffe — by  the  blight.  I  write  eurrente 
ca^MO,  woich  mast  excuse  abruptness  of  transition.  Hbr  Majesty 
the  QuzZN  is  "tol-lol;"  she  "showed"  at. /)«• /rrwcii/*,  the  other 
evening,  accompanied  by  the  Prince,  who  is  getting  rather  popular. 
Tbe  cares  of  state  seem  to  sit  lightly  on  VlcTOiiu,  and  Axbeht 
appears  perfectly  at  his  esse,  though  haWng  on  his  shoulders  tbe 
Industrr  of  All  Nations.  In  this  pie,  bv  I  he  way,  LoHD  Baoughav, 
of  course,  wanted  to  have  his  fingers  ;  failing  in  which  desire  he  ha» 
been  doing  all  he  can  to  fxmlewrter  the  concern,  aa  was  to  be  expected- 1 
All  tbe  world  is  langfaing  at  the  sparring-match  which  took  pi  are  | 
between  him  and  Stanley  in  the  Lords,  with  reference  lo  the  «piihol 
"Tolatile,"  applied  to  the  noble  and  leamrd  lord  by  iho  Hrir  of  I 
Dfrby.  The  combatants  made  believe  to  be  "only  in  fun,*'  and  I 
*'peppered"  one  anothrr  with  inucK  seeming  lonhonie,  exchanging,' 
however,  some  pretty  hard  rap?,  I  can  tell  you.  There  are  said  to  be 
various  novelties  in  preparation  both  at  the  two  Operas  and  Houses  of 
Parliament ;  in  the  one  and  the  other  we  shall  see  what  we  shall  see. 
What  with  Ordnance  Estimates.  Ireland, — the  toujourM  perdn'jt  of  legis- 
lation,—Stamps,  Colonies,  and  Judicial  Salaries,  besides  Kwart's  Anii- 
Calcrut  motion,  the  peace  proposition  of  CofinEN,  and  kuc  ffatus  <mnf, 
the  St.  Stephen's  imprfsario  has  his  work  pretty  well  cut  out  for  the 
season.  I  wish  Lord  Johnny  well  through  it.  TalJcing  of  cutting 
out,  the  iourneyiiiau  taJors  are  re&ily  in  a  very  sad  state ;  and  at  a 
meeting  of  these  poor  V^arirva  of  the  thimble  the  other  day  at  the 
London  Tavern,  Aldzxmav  Sidney  ascribed  their  miserable  plight  in 
a  great  measure  lo  the  "grinding  system"  pursued  by  thu  "clothing 
Colonels  "  who  pick  their  pay  out  of  soldiers*  uniforms.  The  idea  of 
these  gallant  slop-srllers  is  trh  drdle,  iCest  e«  posf  The  case  of  tbe 
starring  needlewomen  is  also  becoming  serious ;  as  I  cannot  help 
feeling  rather  strongly— not  hsving  eaten  anything  since  lunch.  Hey  ! 
then,  for  the  Conservative  Club,  where  I  "grub"  to-day  with  ^Milord 
AnaUis  or  two ;  so,  for  the  present,  addio. 

P.S.  Tbe  GoRHAH  breeze  is  bv  no  means  lulled  yet.  Exeter  has 
flown  at  Cai4T£IU}ury  in  a  pamphlet.  Puii^potts  has  been  so  long  in 
hot  water  that  he  must  now  be  quile  a  bimiUi  ^Svt^fve. 

[We  trust  that  nothing  in  the  above  communication  will  appear 
impertinent  or  flippant  to  those  who  are  familiar  with  ihe  grave  and 
respectful  tone  m  which  the  foreign  corresnondents  of  some  of  our 
contemporaries  are  wont  to  treat  the  affairs  oi  oar  neighboun.] 


Merit  la  Sronse. 


TffE  Commissioners  for  the  £x}ubition  of  185l«  have — 

"  Decided  to  Hlcct  brooM  for  Uw  material  In  wtiich  the  Uedab  are  tA  be  txecrtlcd, 
coiutikrljiff  UuU  meUI  to  be  beUei  calculated  tluD  any  other  tot  the  dertlojUDent  o[ 
mperior  ikiU  and  IngBealty  ta  tin  mwdaUlo  art.  and  at  the  ■•»  ItaD*  tba  ne  t  likely 
to  oouUtttte  a  lartbig  memorial  ef  the  Exhlbltloo.'' 

The  Commissioners  are  wise  men ;  sovereigns,  or  even  half-sovereigns, 
in  bronee,  would  not  go  so  soon  as  in  their  present  metaL  There 
is,  however,  another  reason— a  reason  I'tinek  deeply  deplores— for  the 
selection  of  bronze  b}rthe  Commissioners;  it  is  because  the  gold  and 
silver  come  so  aiowty  to. 

WHKEia  WITHIN   WHBEU. 

Wx  understand,  that,  since  a  certain  noble  lord  has  evinced  a  desire 
to  be  looked  upon  aa  of  a  rather  heavr  nature,  tbe  title  of  BrocghaM 
will  be  changed  into  that  of  SlowCoaoa. 


AjrriDOTI  TO  xBstmc, 
Thi  distinguished  chemist,  Mr.  Puttch^  hai  discovered  an  antidote  to 
arsenic,  now  so  often  admuiistcred  with  fatal  effect  by  wives  to 
husbanda,  Mid  parents  to  children.  The  form  of  Mr.  PmitcJt*t  remedy 
is  that  of  a  Bill,  to  bo  introduced  into  Parliament,  limiting  the  operation 
of  Bunal  Clubs  to  paying  for  the  funerals  of  their  deoeaaed  members. 


EXPERIMENTS  OF  OUR  -USED-UP"  MAN  IN  SEARCH  OP 
EXCITEMENT.— No.  1. 

TRTniG  THE  TOP  OF  THI  MOKUMEyT  ON  A  WET  ATTERMOOir. 


POLICE  STATISTICS. 

Some  interesting  returns  have  been  prepared  by  the  Commissioners 
of  City  Police,  aa  to  the  amount  of  propertr  restored,  tires  put  out, 
children  found,  and  other  service  rendered  by  the  civic  force,  but 
otlier  facta  are  omitted,  which  we  consider  as  equally  full  of  interest. 
We  should  like  to  know  whether  the  value  of  the  property  stolen 
includes  the  value  of  the  kisfies  stolen  by  the  police  themselves  from 
the  female  servants,  and  whether  the  number  of  children  found  com* 
prises  all  the  children  previously  lost  through  a  flirtation  with  tbe  nurse 
and  the  man  on  duty.  Among  the  firea  extinguished,  we  presume  we 
must  not  look  for  the  flames  raised  in  the  breasts  of  cooks ;  and  the 
Dumber  of  houses  found  insecure  will  not,  of  cours^  comprehend  those 
where  the  area  gates  had  been  designedly  left  open  for  "  love  to  find  the 
way  "  in  the  gajh  of  a  policeman.  In  the  estimate  of  the  strength  of 
the  force,  allowance  is  aoubtlesa  made  for  its  bttlo  weaknesses,  though 
on  the  whole  its  good  conduct,  like  its  dotbee,  may  be  considered 
unifonn. 


The  Morndto's  KKFiatOTiox.— It  has  always  been  a  matter  of  p 
found  astonishment  to  us  how  our  ancestors  oouJd  hare  eaten  to 
breakfaat  withoat  a  moroinK  newspaper ! 


-'S.t*.  t^at,?- 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAttlVARl 

^ 


A  "LATTEUDAT"  NIGHTJIARE,  BROUGHT  ON  BY  READING  THOMAS  CARLYLE  HIS  PAMPHLETS. 


RAGS  FSRSUS  SOAP. 

Tan  BiBiior  op  Exetek  is  oot.  u  it  appears,  to  monopoIiBe  the 
rif ht  mmI  cnjo/ment  of  controversy.  Rajs  are  to  hm  a  ihare,  dis- 
puling  for  it  wiUi  purple  and  fine  Uoen.  The  CArotdela — with  aome 
wctfibty  testimony  upon  its  side — oontendA  that  the  Bagged  Schooii 
arr,  (or  ihe  moat  part,  little  other  than  K&thennga  of  the  dirty,  boiue- 
Ics*,  and«  by  conaequence,  profli^te  yoiinr,  for  the  benefit  of  shelter^ 
warmth,  and  co-oprra' ion.  Part  tea  for  robbery  are  arranged  under  the 
very  eyea  of  the  aelfdevoled  teachera.  From  i  he  school-room  to  the 
afreet,  to  "catch"  the  unconacioua  viclims  "coming  out  of  chapeJ,"  ia 
an  anxious  but  rapid  transit  occaaionally  made  by  the  pickporket  pupils. 
The  good  Lord  AsntBY  puta  in  a  plea  for  the  utility  tif  the  rag 
academy ;  but,  vitb  a  faintneis  of  heart,  a  certain  tone  oi  deapondency 
that  doea  not  mightily  assure  one.  Uia  Lordship  arowa  that  the  hope 
of  amendrd  morals  can  be  bat  smalt,  when  the  children  from  their  birth 
have  been  creaturea  of  liltb  auJ  squAlor — human  vermin,  at  once 
fcocictj's  reproach  and  danger.  'IVaching  must  begin  at  home.  When 
the  home  is  tlie  dry  arch,  the  door  s'ep,  or,  aa  a  paaaing  luxury,  the 
twopenny  lodgiDg-house— poor,  indeed,  ia  the  harreat  of  the  sc'iool- 
maater !  Cleanltnesa  we  take  to  be  one  of  the  beat  teadiera — >be 
prime  uaher  of  the  school  for  the  poor.  There  was  an  old  fashion  that 
went  to  bnbe  the  brain  of  the  learner  b^  a  subtle  appeal  to  the  leannr'a 
stomach:  the  pupil  ate  and  digested  his  A.  B  C.  in  apicy  gingerbread. 
Why  will  not  government  place  in  the  handa  of  lite  poor  ao  alphabet  of 
knother  substance  —namely,  untaxed  soap  ?  Truly,  the  fint  im- 
portant syllable  for  the  poor  lo  learn,  is  W.  A.  8.  H. 


A  Rabid  Propensity  for  Pence. 

Mil  John  0'Contcf.ll  ia  D:aking  a  grtat  noise  about  the  Irish  Vice- 
Royalty  being  done  away  with.  He  need  uot  be  to  alarmed,  for,  if  that 
Vice  ia  removed,  a  greater  one  will  still  exist.  Tor  we  have  always  cos- 
siilercd  the  worst  Vice  of  Ireland  to  be  agitation,  and  that  comes  much 
more  home  to  bim  thiui  the  one  at  the  Castle  ever  could  or  would.  We 
are  afraid,  also,  that,  as  long  as  Mb.  Jouv  O'Comkell  continues  to 
nake  his  miaerabte  penny  by  it,  it  ia  a  kind  of  Yioe  that  will  nerer 
bt  aboUstaod  ia  Irvland. 


OTJR  OCEAN  BAILTPFS. 

Wren  the  execution  which  Sheritp  Palmerston.  by  the  agency  of 
his  officer  Faakeh,  at  the  suit  of  Davio  Pacifico  and  another  agaioat 
Otito,  King  of  Greece,  has  put  into  the  Pirieus,  sha'l  haveanawerod  its 
purooae.  and  either  the  demand  of  defendants  shall  bare  been  discharged, 
or  IQB  pliiinti/Ta  masta  and  other  alicks  shall  hare  been  aold  off  for  the 
b.'ncGt  of  his  creditor*,  owr  Ji-fa  squadron  might  perhaps  be  sent  to  levy 
a  diatreea  upon  the  United  States.  There  are  lilt  In  matters  not  yet 
aettled  between  British  subjects  and  Mississippi.  Besides,  the  crime 
of  piracy  continnes  to  be  practised  to  a  frightful  extent  by  American 
puoliahera,  and  ought  to  be  checked,  for  the  intcrefct  of  literature,  the 
true  glorv  of  Kngland.  li  tliis  is  not  done,  Riyja'i  Punrh  must  proceed 
'0  New  York,  and  inflict  a  m&saacre  on  the  Jonatbanian  piratea  on  his 
own  resDonsioility.  For  the  present  we  leave  ihia  important  matter  in 
the  bands  of  Her  Maje»ty'8  Stieriff  for  Foreign  Affairs 


TreapAssera,  beware! 

A  couREsroNORHT  of  the  Timet  calls  alteotion  to  iasidtous  Iniok-axxd- 
mortMr  intentions  at  Albert  Gate.  There  is  a  threat  oE  building— 
building '. 

"  I  fiur  thftt  this  U  BO  alr-drawa  dssaar  of  laiiie,  for  a  Ma.  Gnrrr  bai^aillMr  by 
sxetwtMce  or  parehuM,  obUlncd  Voa  jtowerof  bolldlog  then." 

Air-drawn  dawera  we  despise.  But,  we  counsel  John  BrLL  to  taVo 
wary  heed  of  builJct  Cubitt  s  "  dagger  of  lath  "  and— plaster ! 


"People's  Bditions.*' 

It  ia  the  fashion,  and  a  very  good  one  too.  ♦©  bring  out  a  People's 
Edition  of  every  thing,  at  a  much  reduced  price,  generally  one  penny. 
Mb.  John  O'Connelx.  has  fallen  into  the  same  fashion,  and  has  been 
bringing  ou^  but  with  rather  indifferent  success,  a  new  £diiiou  of  his 
father's  fp?ecbes  at  Conciliation  Hall.  Judging,  however,  from  the 
style  of  language  occasionally  indulged  in  und^r  its  roof  hy  certain 
oatriotio  gen'lemen,  we  should  be  more  Inclined  to  call  the  series,  now 
in  eonrse  of  publicat  ion  at  Conciliation  Hall,  "  Th£  Pboflb's  S-BDtnov. 
PWCB  Oit*  PawxT." 


I 

I 


J 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


SlB^— Yon  tre  »warf  that 
fouare  a  public  chn- 
racter,  and,  as  such. 
70ur  peraonal  ap- 
pearanOQ  and  habils 
are  necessarily  Ibc 
subject  of  iDlerest 
and  remark.  1,  my- 
self, sav  jou  ilie 
olber  da;r  quitlinf! 
the  Amencan  packet 
tliip  S^juihumptoH, 
with  your  pockets 
cmntnted  full  of  ci- 
giirs  vbich  Captain 
MoiiGAN  had  pre- 
^pnted  to  you,  and 
>c;u  were  sepn  pub- 
licly sinokioi;  on"  0. 
iliem  in  the  slnsctf 
of  Oravestnd  after 
you  had  taken  learc 
of  the  gallant  Ctip- 
l«in  and  liis  vessel. 
Sir.  you  area  smoker. 
I  ain  another.  I  am 
not  ashamed  of  my 
habit.  1  like  ii;  1 
uphold  it.:  and  1  am 
dtsirous  that  you 
ilinuld  defend  it. 

"Ia  the  Morning 
ChnmieU  of  Inst 
Saturday,  I  read  a 
leading  article,  iu 
which  men  who 
smoke  are  ca'lcd 
*Bel&«h'  and  'nAsty' 
— and  are  held  up  to 
general  reprobation 
for  their  practice  of 
smokinR  npon  railways,  and,  of  course,  leaTinnc  the  odour  of  their  cigars  in 
the  carriajfcs  behind  them.  The  Chronicle  writer  draws  a  ffarj"!  picture 
of  the  agonised  discomfort  of  a  laiiy  disinclined  to  tuhArro,  aiidLlurced  to 
make  a  journey  of  a  hundred  miles  in  a  carriage  imprpjcnaud  with  its 
fnmes,  and  by  the  side  of  a  Rent  who  had  bwn  secretly  smoking  his 
weed  up  to  the  time  of  the  eniraoce  of  his  fellow  p\8sen^er. 

**  There  is  no  doubt  that  it  is  unplejisaat  for  a  female  disliking  tobacco 
to  sitbyaman'sside  who  has  just  been  consuming  his  ci^ir:  but  t^ir.  it  is 
also  cl'-ar,  that  it  is  nioit  unpleasant  for  a  man  to  ha  interrupted  in  Us 
pastime.  Each  individual  under  the  circumstances  is  worthy  of  a 
genuine  pity. 

"  1  put  out  of  the  (jiies! ion  the  epithets  of  'selfish'  and  'nasty'  em- 
ployed by  the  Chronicler;  who  does  not  probably  smoke  himself.  So 
it  is  aelUah  to  drink  a  glass  of  wine  or  to  eat  a  luncheon  at  Sirindon  or 
Wotverf-on— but  it  is  naUiral .  you  do  it  b^«Ause  you  are  hangrjr  or 
tbirs*y,  and  because  yau  like  it.  So  it  is  soKiOi  for  Mrs.  Muscaael  to 
perfumt*  her  pocket-handkerchief  with  that  abominable  scent,  to  me  a 
ihousan  J  limes  more  odious  than  the  nice  wholesome  uaturAl  fragrance 
witiob  fondly  lingers  about  a  man's  coal  and  whiskers  after  he  has 
enjoyed  a  cigar.  There  is  no  u^  in  catling  me  names,  and  saying  that 
smoking  is  nasty.  I  intend  to  smoke:  all  Eurooe  smokes :  all  the 
world  smokes:— Tobacco  hts  oonouered  the  world,  and  is  an  estv 
bliihcd  fact  of  which  it  is  as  impossible  to  get  rid  as  it  would  be  to  got 
nd  of  railrxMids  or  to  return  to  Protection. 

"  The  fact  being  so— it  surely  becomes  the  duty  of  the  Statesman  to 
admit  it,  and  instead  of  attempting  insinely  to  repress  it.,  to  regulate  it 
BO  as  to  afford  the  least  inoonvenienco  to  the  public.  You  iry  to  put 
down  Suioke  by  absurd  prohibitive  laws,  and  wuat  is  the  consequence  ? 
Itpenetratu  everywhere.  It  laughs  at  your  strict  orders,  it  soonu 
your  preventive  raUwav  guards,  and  eludes  your  cordons  of  poUoemen. 
It  BOents  your  closest  carriages,  it  lingers  in  your  flrit-class  cushions :  it 
sickens  your  ladi<».  and  it  makes  your  lAorning  Chro/ticU  squeamish. 

"  Sir,  as  a  smoker  I  neither  wish  to  make  a  lady  sick,  or  to  witness 
the  oualnls  of  the  editor  of  any  newspaper.  Give  me  a  place  where  I  can 
indulge  in  my  harmleas  habit  apart  from  puking  manaood  and  squesm 
ikh  beauty.  Give  mo  a  smoking  carriage  on  ine  railroad.  The  Kaucli- 
Eimmer  that  aocom^anies  every  train  in  the  German  railroads,  is  worthy 
of  a  great  and  pliilosophic  nation.  It  is  a  fragrant  and  comfortable 
retreat.  It  has  varnished  leather  or  akin  cushions,  and  tin  reoeptacles 
for  the  smoker's  athea.  Give  us,  I  say,  smoking  carriages  on  our  rail- 
nwls :  then  smokers  will  not  intrude  tbemaelves  upon  scented  dandies 


or  faminte  the  mnfEi  and  lippeta  of  females.  It  is  not  ws  who  am 
them.  It  is  they  who  are  annoyed  because  we  tmoke.  Let  us  Ira 
Apart,  if  the  ladies  don't  like  us.  We  douH  want  their  ladyshij 
society :  we  want  our  pipes.  It  is  the  non-smoking  community  wb 
ought  to  petition  for  smoking  carriages  more  than  we:  wi  don't  feel 
inconreTiienco.  Let  the  women  of  England  agitate  the  matter :  t 
their  question  not  onra. 

"  And  1  drclare  that  T,  for  one  (and  I  am  a  member  of  a  great 
powerful  assoctttion,  sworn  to  the  cause),  make  it  a  matter  of  prinni] 
even  to  ray  own  personal  discomfort  soiactimea,  to  smoke  wbeoevt 
can  get  a  chance  on  a  railway.  Whenever  I  see  an  unoccupied  carri 
I  pop  into  it  and  fumigate  it.  When  the  guard  come*,  and  ct 
moniouely  expostulates,  1  laugh  in  his  ioDy  face.  He  is  a  man  am 
smoker.  Is  lie  to  search  my  person  and  take  awav  uiv  case  P  Id 
him.  My  cigar  is  well  crushed  into  the  rug  under  the  heel  of  mv  b 
before  ho  has  asked  a  question;  crashed  into  ibe  rug  so  that  ail  ' 
scents  of  Araby  can't  gei  the  smell  out.  And  I  know  of  some  gt 
martyrs  and  stnigglers  in  the  cause  who  expressly  use  the  very  rank 
tobscco,  in  order  to  advance  the  principle,  wliiob  goei  on  iaoreaa 
and  increasing,  vimquf  afguirii  olatdo. 

"  lour  constant  reader  and  fel]ow^mok«r, 

"CAVBin>inLl 


THE  EXHIBITION  OF -INDUSrRY.— A  HINT, 

Peace  waves  her  olive-branch,  and  summons  round  her, 
Array  of  beads  iinhelmed,  unwcaponed  hands ; 

Cou>mercc.  late  lightened  of  the  chnins  that  bound  her, 
Speeds  bilherwards  the  gifts  of  many  lands. 

Now,  for  the  first  time  since  the  world  was  parled 
By  differing  tongue*,  round  Shinar*s  tower  of  old. 

One  nation,  horny-hsndod,  and  s'rong-heartcd. 
The  grasp  of  ftieudship  out  to  all  doth  hold. 

The  giant.  Industry,  with  mighty  motion, 
Stirs  from  Norwegian  hills  to  far  Ca'bay  ; 

From  island  unto  island  of  the  ocean. 
He  calls  upon  bis  sons,  and  they  obey. 

Uammera  are  falling,  forges  roaring  free. 
The  wheels  whirl  round,  the  noisy  shuttles  rattle; 

And  far  as  ear  can  hear  or  eye  can  see, 
The  world's  astir  wilb  note  of  peaceful  battle. 

Mind  wars  with  matter  in  a  thousand  forms 
And  conquers  it,  ihou^h  ne'er  so  big  or  brave. 

Till  the  wild  lightning  from  its  house  of  atorma. 
Descends  to  do  man's  errand,  like  a  slave. 

But  while  with  pide  such  victories  we  hail. 

And  view  thnr  gathered  trophies,  let  the  thought 
Pass  from  the  labour  to  the  luhourer  pale, 

That  on  these  miracles  of  skill  tiath  wrought. 

From  out  of  gorgeous  hues  and  fabrics  rare 
Let  the  gaunt  weaver's  face  its  lesson  tooic. 

And  all  that  'a  forged,  or  wove,  or  carven  there, 
Becomes  a  leaf  of  a  portentous  book-* 

Too  often  blurred  with  blood,  blotted  with  tears. 
With  sin  and  sorrow  writ,  from  rim  to  rim  ; 

While  they  that  ought  to  read,  with  selfUh  fears 
Avert  their  eyes  from  oit  the  record  grim. 

It  is  a  palimpsest — fair-writ,  beneath 

The  red  and  rugged  lettering  above, 
Are  sweetly-sounding  anoient  words,  that  breathe 

Of  brotherhood  and  peace,  and  joy  and  love. 

God  speed  the  time  when  from  that  volume's  face. 
Some  reverent  hand,  with  loving  heart  for  guide. 

Sliall  those  distressful  cliaract.era  efface, 
And  bring  to  liglit  the  blessings  that  they  hide. 


An  Archbishop*!  Orthography. 

DocTOU  JoHS'soN,  as  an  extreme  Tory  and  High  Churchman,  hej 
views  generally  in  accordance  with  those  of  ARCHBisnop  Lidd.  Xa 
nothing  could  be  more  utterly  at  variauoe  with  Johssok  than  the  sul 
joined  passage  in  a  letter  of  LaUD'a  lately  published  by  STLVavO 
Urhak,  Genr. : — 

"  Yoiir  lnrd«blp'«  otbnr  UXex  mad«  tiU  malntya  Mtd  mU  eli  that  Mw«  Ul^Mltt.  "M 
th«  feUove  iM  «tli«r  m&d  or  ftl  DeAUm  doors  m  owra  aatring«  In  u  ai%y  be. 

If  AacirBisHOP  Laud  was  a  churchman  renowned  for  his  n 
was  certainly  a  prelate  no  less  remarkable  for  hia  spelling. 


eadjud 


VIIL— 185a 


142 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


THE  HOKN  OF  PLATT. 

Bbass.  it  seems,  is  not  invuiably 
profitable  matemlj  eTen 
when  traded  upon  in  most 
worshipful  society.  Not  ^- 
ways  aoes  a  man  blow  his 
own  trumpet — (some  men, 
indeed,  are  not  merely  single 
trumpets,  but  brass  bands 
complete)— to  his  own  final 
advantage.  The  case  of  Ma. 
Platt— and  few  men  have 
made  sweeter  noises  in  the 
world— is  a  powerful  illus- 
tration of  the  perils  that 
environ  melodious  brass. 
Mb.  VhkTt  has  ip-own  old 
upon  his  horn:  and  now — 
"having  lost,  from  great  and 
continual  pressure, thewbole 
of  his  front  teeth,'*  he  seeks 
to  obtain  some  sort  of  pro- 
vision by  means  of  a  concert 
"to  exempt  him  from  the 
Bufferings  of  an  indifferently 
provided  for  old  age.  The  horn,"— continues  the  Herald,  in  the  kindest 
spirit— "is  an  instrument  by  which  but  little  c&n  be  accumulated, 
however  long  Ihe  service."  In  a  word,  the  brass  at  a  man's  mouth, 
however  exquisite  its  utterance,  cannot  be  as  profitable,  as  the  unseen 
brass  in  a  man's  lungs — as  the  brass  armour  i»  a  man's  cheek.  The 
QuEXN  vouchsafes  her  sympathy  to  the  poorer  [worker  in  brass ; 
f^NCE  Albert  patronises  tne  blown-out  musician,  and  many  of  the 
nobility  and  ifentrj^  touched  by  the  recollection  of  Me.  Platt's  art — 
an  art  exercised  for  nearly  thirty  years — are  pledged  practically  to 
manifest  their  grateful  memory.  This  is  as  it  should  be,  alike  bo- 
noorable  to  the  people  of  gold  and  the  veteran  dealer  in  even  more 
musical  metal ;  most  musical,  moat  unprofitable. 

*  Let  the  bright  flcnphlm  in  homing  rov, 
Their  loud  npUfted  angel  trumpets  Mow." 

In  how  many  ears  these  words  will  awaken  the  echo  of  Pla^tt's  horn, 
as  its  music  soared,  triumphini;  and  dallying  with  its  strength  and 
sweetness  1  How  it  seemed  lo  become  vocally  spiritualised ;  how  it 
symiuthised  with  the  singer  in  her  highest  flights :  how  it  became  like 
a  living  thing,  endowed  with  supernatural  utterance.  And  at  the 
same  time — "  from  great  and  contmuous  pressure  ** — the  pressure  that 
gave  forth  the  divine  harmony,  the  front  teeth  of  the  musician  were 
paying  their  existence  for  the  music — gradually  giving  themselves  up 
a  certain  sacrifice  to  sweet  sounds.  Sounds  purchased  with  growing 
canker. 

Has  our  friend,  the  reader,  ever  met  with  a  little  book— the  auto* 
biography  of  poor  Eulenstein  ?  In  that  thin,  meagre-looking  Uttle 
book,  IS  a  terrible  human  history.  It  was  the  evil  destiny  of  Eolek- 
BTEiN  to  fall  in  love  with — a  jew*s-harp.  Passionately  in  love  with 
that  most  unpromising  bit  of  iron.  D*y  and  night,  he  wooed  the  hard, 
unyielding  thing,  and  at  lengih  made  it  sing  to  him  most  exquisite 
music;  at  length,  he  awakened  in  that  twopenny-halfpenny  mstrument 
—that  pauper  thing  that  come  Jew  in  his  most  desperate  poverty  must 
have  first  fashioned  out  of  marine-store  old  iron — most  marvellous 
harmonies.  The  Jew's-harp  was  no  longer  a  schoolbov^s  organ  of 
annoyance — a  big  humble-bee  grown  hoarse— but  something  even  for 
Mercury,  with  his  tortoise  lyre,  to  smile  upon.  This  was  a  great 
triumph  for  tlie  enthusiast.  In  the  most  frightful  poverty,  he  had  fol- 
lowed his  passion;  he  had  succeeded  in  his  suit;  he  could  touch  the 
hsrp,  the  jew's-harp,  to  his  own  wilt ;  he  had  made  himself  a  name  and 
—he  was  toothless.  The  iron  had  entered  his  mouth;  his  sufferings 
were  terrible.  He  bad  put  unthought-of  melody  into  the  metal,  and 
the  iron  had  eaten  its  revenge. 

And  this,  in  a  degree,  is  the  fate  of  poor  Ma.  Platt.  He  has,  for 
thirtv  year%  made  crowds  of  hearts  beat  thick  with  his  mastery  of 
metaj;  and— even  if  he  had  the  fulness  of  fortune's  feast— be  wants 
the  teeth  to  enjoy  the  repast.  There  is  a  meaning  in  this— a  sad, 
instructive  meaning  in  the  condition  of  a  man  of  genius— worth,  at 
least,  the  price  of  a  concert  ticket,  should  the  prioe  m  even  one  pound 
one  shilling. 

Hie  QcEBV,  the  Pbivcb,  a  royal  duke,  and  so  forth,  will  patronise 
the  old  musician :  no  doubt  many  of  the  wise  and  good  will  contribute 
to  (he  fund  sought  to  be  raised  for  the  worn-out  artist.  If,  in  ad(Utioa 
to  these,  the  folks  who  have  made  their  noisy  way  in  the  world,— not 
with  metallic  brass,  bat  with  brass  human,-^  they,  too^  would  oontri* 
bute  a  moderate  offering,— then  voold  the  fund  be  prosperously 
increased    The  Horn  of  Platt  would  then  be  the  Horn  of  Plenty.       I 


SCENES  lEOM  TIIE  LIFE  OF  AN  XJNPEOTECTED 
FEMALE. 

SH£  HAS  A^  EHTEBTIEW   WITH  HEB  JXBAL  ABTI8EB. 

Scene.- IV  Farlaur  in  Coram  Street  SAe  hoi  skotpH  her  Atrnt*  WtU 
to  ket  Attobn£T,  leho  hat  covte  bg  appotn^meni  to  advite  wUh  her 
upon  it. 

Attornf^  if xiimimTiff  ike  WHl,  and  other  pe^urt),  Hm— hm — hm— yet. 
It  niu»t  be  part  of  deceased  legatee's  estate — so  it  will  have  to  be 
charged  with  the  same  lerac^  dutv  as  a  gift  in  his  lifetime,  and  then, 
you  see,  it  will  have  to  be  included  in  the  estate  in  the  estimate  for 
paying  probate  duty  tbereon,  and  be  chargeable  again  with  legacy  duty, 
because,  as  you  are  aware,  it's  liable  to  duty  in  TnoriHs's  hands,  to 
whom  tlie  Uj!;atee  lert  it  by  bis  will.    That's  satisfactory. 

Uaprotucted  Femak  [tehae  breath  and  nnder»tandiiig  have  been  tmt- 
pemird  during  the  a&ow,  heaving  a  long  sigh).  Yes — very — but  I  don't 
quite  understand  about  it* 

Attomen  ilfttrifdin  the  papers  again,  and  maUng  inirieaie  calculaiione 
teitA  a penetl).  Good  gracious!  iou'?e  paid  too  much  probate  duty. 
Oil,  my  deaj-  Madam- we  must  rectifv  this  at  once. 

Ufipfof(cte4  Fm&le.  Oli— I  've  paid  so  many  things— they  told  me  to 
—and  I  didn't  understand  it.  [Dejectedfy. 

J  Homey,  I^et  *ft  see.  iCalculaiing.)  Yes,  £18  4j/  YouVe  entitled 
to  £18  4s,  We  must  get  your  £18  ^.  You  'U  have  no  trouble 
about  it. 

Vnprotecied  Fevmle  {a9feh  relieved).  Oh— indeed— what  have  I  to  do, 
if  jou  please? 

Aitofney.  Why,  you  *11  have  to  go  to  the  Legacy  Duty  OflSco — it 's 
wi!hin  rhe  six  monika— and  you  must  produce  the  probate,  and  make 
TOUT  affidavit — of  course,  you  must  swear  there  was  no  intention  of 
fraud — ^ah — you  can  swear  that  before  a  Master  in  Chancery. 

Uf'prQt^ded  FemaU  {bursiing  out).  Oh— please  don't  let  me  get  into 
Chancery — oh — now^ 

jiitorne^  {bfandl^^  No— no— a  Master  «»-traordinary,  for  taking 
atIidAvit&  and  actnow led g meats  of  married  women,  my  dear  Madam. 

Unprotected  Fanah.  But  I  *m  not  a  married  woman — Sir — 

Attorney  {(orriciifig  kimielf),  No— no — anybody  can  swear  an  affidavit 
before  bim:  and  then  you  must  subjoin  to  the  affidavit  the  inventory 
and  account— /^r/  you  II  subscribe. 

UitpTotertfd  Female  {under  ker  breath,  and  in  deep  agoi^).  Dear,  dear ! 
How  much  will  tbe  eubacription  come  to  P 

Jitorney  iche^vlly  m Ruing  on).  No — ^no — your  signature  only.  Then 
we  must  have  the  ap^traifiements  and  valuations  duly  stamped— uid  then, 
my  dear  Madam,  we  fihaU  go  to  the  Head  Office  comfortably. 

Ui^roieded FeiimU,  Oh— no— don't  let  us  go.  I'd  rather  let  them 
keep  the  EIS  4^.  Oh,  there  are  ever  so  many  things  to  swear,  and  I 
don  t  understand  iL 

Jifor/tey  {"ficottraffiugly).  Pooh,  pooh!  my  dear  Madam— a  mere  form. 
Let  'a  see  {ihovghtJvUy\  ve  must  show  the  debts  were  due  and  payable 
in  law.  {Sharply)  You've  got  vouchers  for  the  payments? 

Unprdected  Female  iclnj^ifig  her  hands).  Oh— what  'a  that  P  I  paid 
tUcni  all  their  bills. 

Ji/orney.  But  you  took  receipts  and  legal  vouchers  P 

fjifproie^fed  Fesra/e.  Oh — I  think  I  did — but  I  don't  know  what 
voiichera  are. 

Attorney.  There  were  those  mortgages.  Let 's  see — we  shall  have  to 
produoe  tbe  morf^a^o  deeds.  I  forget.  Had  you  a  re-conveyance  of 
th^  premise^',  or  a  re-assignment  of  the  term  P 

I' ttprotfdfd  Ftvtate {bitterly).  Ob — how^wItoknowP  Howcanyou? 
Oh — they  're  all  there.  \_Poiniing  kelplessly  to  the  heap  of  papers. 

Attorney  {atide).  Oh — these  women !  By  the  way,  there  were  some 
collateral  Becurities  in  Boexr's  debt.  We  must'  show  them  to  be 
cancelled. 

Unprotected  Female.  Oh — how  ?  I  'm  sure,  I  dare  say  it  was,  but  I 
don't  know.  Why  dou't  you  take  'em  all  yourself,  and  do  it,  and  don't 
fngb'en  one. 

Attorney,  My  dear  Madam,  yon  're  executrix,  and  we  must  be  regular. 
No  judgEQentdehu,  I  suppose? 

UxproUeied  Femnk.  On !  what  ever's  that  ?— do  you  think  I  know  a 
jiidgmcnc  debt  when  I  set  it  P    Do  look  in  the  papers. 

Att^ntry.  Because  if  so,  we  must  produce  office  copy,  and  entry  of 
Fati-Tjchon  on  record,  of  course. 

Vtiproiected  l^nute  {itipidfy).  Yes— of  course— buf,  oh,  I  wish  you 
v6uldn'r,  I  dou't  understand  what  you're  talking  about.  But  I'd 
ra'her  let  them  keep  the  £18  4e. 

Aiiarmey.  Then  (here  are  three  legacies  to  the  old  serranta — 

Unprt/ieeted  Female  {filad  to  shorn  she  CAM  do  something).  Oh— I  paid 
them. 

Attorney,  I  douH  see  the  rroeipfB. 

Unpraieeied  AiH/«.  Eh  P  Oh— the  M  housemaid  couldn't  irni^  and 
the  hous^eener  was  a  veiy  respeetable  woman. 

Attsfwey.  You  don't  mean  to  ny,  that  you've  gone  and  paid  the 
legacies,  without  taking  ataaiped  raottpti  f 


L 


PUNCU,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


Unproteettd  FemaU  [,i$mocenttp^.  Ton  know  it  cftn't  m&kc  ki\j  roalter. 
Tbey  're  qaite  bonett  people,  and  they  M  never  come  again  for  the  ntoney. 

Attornt^.  But  jon've  subjected  yourself  to  i  heavy  p^nnlty,  Ma'aui. 
You  vere  bound  to  tiike  a  receipt,  with  dale,  tr8Utoi''s  oauie,  ezor's 
name,  legatee's  name,  ainouut  and  rate  of  duty.  Bear,  drar,  this  is  very 
serious ! 

UitproUcUd  Female  iUarfuUif),  Oh — ^bovr  is  a  poor  woman  to  know  P 
But  nobody  will  ever  5nd  out. 

AUontfv.  Then  the  Irgalecs  are  liable  to  a  penalty  for  not  giviiiff  the 
receipt.  rbcy*ll  be  down  on  those  poor  servants,  at  the  Legacy  Duty 
Office.  And  there'll  he  tbe  ten  per  cent,  on  the  legacy  to  pay  perbups 
—dear  me,  this  is  very  unrorhinate. 

VwproUclfd  Femals  (in  utter  deapair).  Oh — why  did  AuKT  Smitiier5 
leave  me  ber  exeouirix?  Why  diiiu*t  she  pay  tbe  servants  their  legacies 
before  she  died  P  Oh — What  is  to  bo  Hone  P     T  winh  soniehody — 

[714*  door  opem  i^/Hif,  and  Ma.  Jo-nes  apj^ars,  UNrROTBrxED 
FrMaLB  f«eU  that  a  higher  potter  has  mierfertd  in  her  behalf, 
and  rmhet  to  receive  Aim, 

Mr.  Jones  {smilingly).  l)o  I  interrupt  business,  eh  ? 

Unpiotecied  Female,  Ob — Mr.  Jonks— oh,  no — oh,I*m  so  thankful 


you 're  come.    Ob — do  jook  at  all  those  papers !  you  can't  think  how 

"     '         (1' 
he'd  understand  it,  and  act 
p'ease,  Mr,  Jones  P    It,  's  Aunt  Suitheks's  will. 


ftlad  I  am  to  see  you 
ait  you've  lold  me,  be 


f  iviwK  Mil    Bit     ■tivi'Vi     |.Ha|/^ia  ;    j  uii   t, 

(7*0  Attornet)  Ob.  if  von  'donly  lell  Mu.  Jones 
e'd  understand  it,  and  act  for  me — won't  you. 


}fr.  Jone.t  {tcho  ha.f  lo»g  felt  a  cHrmity  about  that  doeume/tt).  With 
pleasure,  my  dear  Mfldaiii— with  tbe  greatest  pleasure. 

Unproterted  Female  {all  but  gtcing  tray).  Because,  you  know,  a  woman 
can't  be  expected  to  understand  these  things,  and  I  've  no  uiale  relations 
(bititAittg)  lo  advise  m-— and  I've  been  doing  everything  wrong,  it 
seems — and  exposing  Uiyself  topenallie-',  and  vouchers,  and  things— and 
I  don't  know  anything  nlwul;  it  ■  but  if  ^ou  'It  Inlk  lo  Mb.  Smart,  n.y 
solicitor.  {To  Mb.  Smart.)  This  is  Mb.  Ju.nks,  Mil  Smart,  i'/'o 
Mn.  Jo.sEB.)  I  daresay^Mcan  underitandMK  Smart.    Ob— now,  do. 

Mr.  Jvttes  {gaihntlf).  To  save  you  any  trcublp,  my  dear  Miss 
SiiiuoGi.hs,  ii  a  pride  and  a  pleasure— now,  Ma.  Skabt.  let  'a  see  tbe 

IMpffS. 

LSuaBT  rtvrf  Jo>fJs  brg[n  threading  the  legal  lub^tifith,  the  VyfliO- 
TKi  I  CD  Kkmalb  fif-1  by,  looking  un'fh  admiration  at  Jones,  and 
littciting  Ktlh  childlike  faith  tv  hit  r<mark4. — Scene  closet. 


THE  cohnish  cadis. 


We  have  not  yet  quite  abandoned  the  babits  of  our  forefathers. 
There  are  boots  and  breeches  among  us  yet,  and  the  latter  sit  at  the 
seat  of  justice,  and  the  former  walk  in  her  paths,  and  the  'squires  within 
Ibem  here  and  there,  in  quiet  nooks  aud  comers  of  the  island,  still  ad- 
minister  'squirearcliical  justice.  Of  this  consolatory  fact  here  is  a  litlle 
piece  of  evidence,  furnished  by  the  Tiaes  reporter  on  the  'Western 
Circuit,  writing  fro.n  Btidmin : — 

"  nefore  we  Uke  lean  cf  tlils  i>]ec«i,  wo  wouU  agatn  call  att^nUon  to  a  clrrumMadrr 
vttlcb.  perbapa.  may  ba  conaldemt  by  many  to  bn  a  moKt  cxtrabnlioarr  iitU.'rfvrcucc 
wttli  tb«  Ubarty  oT  Oie  Autijtfct  Wo  find  unonir  Ui«  priaooen  tn  tbe  ntA  on  foniier 
onlara,  •Wii.i.um  i^vxcn,  cniimKlPd  Ui«  Ifith  of  Septemter,  ISIS;  for  a  braarb  oT  Ifao 
tiaaea,  for  two  year*,  or  unlil  be  iltftll  find  aarBtlu  (or  U«  good  behAvtour-  Wiluam 
Wimuilf,  eommlllcd  Umi  Wh  of  May,  1K19,  a  breach  of  tbo  f*«iw,  for  twolva  oalendAr 
DwaDu,  or  uiiUl  b«  •hall  flna  iuretlc»  ;  Joiijt  Wall,  Ibo  5tb  of  Fcbmarr,  laJOi  b  braacti 
of  tbo  peace,  fur  twelve  calcuilar  tmitithii,  or  onlU  bo  »bal]  find  Kurctlca.''*  ^^ 

Now  the  peace  is  a  valuable  commodity,  but  two  years  virtual  im- 
prisonment for  its  breakage  is  rather  excessive  damages.  What  next  •* 
We  shall  hear,  perhaps,  of  tbe  magistrates  of  Cornwall  contl^catinff 
offendem  goods  and  chattels,  or  ordering  delinquents  to  be  bastinadoed 
a  It  Cadi,  rid  libitum.  It  would  not  be  surprising  if  these  gentlemen 
were  to  set  up  a  little  extra-legal  fallows,  and  carry  out.  thereon,  their 
peculiar  views  of  penal  disoipline. 


Pro  Omnibus  Bibo. 

Tira  Amencan  Ambassador,  on  returning  thinks  for  his  health  at 
the  Mansion  House,  said  on  Easter  Mondav,  that 

"  When  the  loving  cup  went  round,  he  'drank  for  22  000000  if  his 
countrymen. 

The  reports  say  "Drank  with  all  the  honours;"  and  renUy.  after 
such  a  draught  as  that,  we  do  not  wonder  at  it. 

But  suppose  every  Ambassador  drank  to  tbo  same  extent,  the  Lord 
MaiOB  would  have  to  provide  drink  for  all  the  world  *  A  Mansion 
House  dinner  would  be  quite  "an  Exhibition  of  the  Drinking  Industrv 
of  all  Nations."  ' 

Xr  SOLK's   IX  A&MS. 

A  Letteb  from  Sweden  says  that  there  is  an  order  for  the  navy  to 
be  immedutely  put  "on  a  war  fooling^'  We  suppose  that  the  sailors 
will  aU  have  to  wear  Bluchers  or  Wellingtons;  which  is  our  ide»- 
rathcr  a  hterai  one  perhaps— of  a  war  footing. 


THE   QUARTEK'S  EE VENUE. 

HE  returns  of  the  Revenue  ar^ 

now  before  us*  and  to  tho«e 
who  are  fond  of  a  puizle.  com- 
posed of  the  mjstitication  ol  bq 
array  of  figures  and  facts,  we 
can  promise  an  hour's  treat,  in 

,  a  contemplation  of  the  official 
document.  Tbe  best  of  it  is, 
that  it  is  a  puszle  which  never 
ends,  for  the  llelums  may  l>e 
returned  to  again  and  again 
without  any  solution  of  the 
myslery.  Ave  are  hsppy  to  be 
told  that  the  result  is  satisfac- 
tory, though  the  balance  is  on 
the  wrong  side ;  but  we  can- 
,not  very  well  understand  what 

I  llicre  is  satisfsotory  in  a  reduc- 
tion of  income ;  and.  i^bcn  we 
come  to  detail?,  the  following 
is  tbe  result  of  all  we  cau 
gather : — 

The  Customs  havedccrcased^ 
from  a  scarcity,  we  ttipposs, 
of  customers,  and  there  has 
been  a  falling  oft'  in  sugar.— 
the  sweet  toolb  of  John  Bull  having  failed  lo  exert  its  usual  influPLce. 
Grain  and  flour  have  also  produced  less, — so  that  the  contents  of  the 
sack  hare  Bynlpathi!^ed  with  the  sarcbarine.  In  the  Excise  there  has 
been  additional  consumption, — to  that  the  depression  complained  of  has 
not  mnterially  ulTectcd  I  he  »piiitf>,  and  poverty  has  bad  its  gin,  if  it  lias 
also  had  it«  bitters.  The  A-ssesscd  Taxes  seem  to  Imve  been  paid  more 
promptly  than  usual,  and  the  gatherer  has  no  doubt  had  his  patience 
less  tried,  aud  been  able  to  keep  himself  and  bis  rates  more  thoroughly 
collected. 

The  Income-Tax  sooms  to  be  in  an  undulaiing  alale,  for  one  vcar  it 
goes  "up,  up,  up,"  and  another  year  it  goes  "down,  down,  down," 
out  for  tlie  Quarter  just  ended,  we  have  relunis  that  look  like 
increased  protiis.  There  is  a  dccrrase  of  £8000  in  the  Posl-Oflice. 
which,  if  we  maybe  allowed  to  adopt  tbe  usual  mysterious  stylo  oi 
analysing  oQicial  stfttcments,  would  show  a  diminution  in  letters 
amounting,  when  divided  by  2C,  to  a  failing  off  of  307  aud  a  fraction,  on 
every  letter  of  the  alphabet. 

Though  the  revenue  has  decreased  on  the  quarter,  it  has  increased 
on  the  year,  and  so  long  as  on  a  series  of  dindniahing  quarters  wo  get 
an  augmented  total,  we  supoosQ  we  Imve  uoLhing  to  c.inpUiu  of.  The 
revenue  seems  lo  have  a  gooa  deal  of  the  frothy  buoyancy  o(  a  pot  of  beer, 
which,  though  decidedly  deficient  in  quantity,  may  be  made,  by  a  proper 
adjustment  of  a  "  hcail,"  to  wear  tlie  aspect  of  refreshing  redundancV. 

We  have  a  word  or  two  lo  say  about  the  Income-Tax,  whicli  nas 
taken  a  sudden  start  that  may — or  may  not— be  thus  accounted  for. 
Taking  the  whole  in  round  numbers— and  we  will,  for  the  sake  of 
uniforniily,  nsc  round  numbers  only— at  000.000.000,  it  is  fair  to  con- 
clude that  every  circle — of  the  nine  we  have  embraced — is  recovering 
from  the  crisis. 

With  reference  to  the  decrease,  it  must  be  rcmeiubercd  we  have  liad 
no  China  money  this  year,  nor  have  we  received  anything  from  tbo  lliycr 
Flate,  BO  that  the  CiiANCEi.LOii  ok  tiie  Exciieqcek's  plate  and  china 
closets  are  gcting  equallv  empty.  In  looking  at  other  commodities 
we  must  enibrace  ibe  whole  of  tliem  at  once,  for  we  cannot  take  coflce 
virhout  sugar,  nor  should  we  think  of  getting  rum  into  our  heads  tilt 
we  had  discussed  the  loaf,  and  lome  other  articles  of  general  consump- 
tion. When  the  chalT  is  separated  from  the  corn,  when  the  grain  in  the 
husk  feels  the  full  benefit  of  the  principles  of  UusKiitsoy,  when  the 
fancy  loaf  is  as  free  as  the  brick,  henceforth  to  be  released  from  duty, 
then,  and  not  till  then,  will  English  Industry  have  fair  piny  and  fair 
work,  for  all  work  and  no  play  has  made  Jack  Bdll  more  dull  than  be 
ought  to  be. 


Tbe  London  Phanaacopoeia. 

NaroLROv,  talking  of  medicine,  said,  "Water,  Air^  and  Clennlinen. 
are  tbe  chief  articles  in  my  riiarmacopoeia."  But  if  Napoleom  bail 
lived  in  Ijondon,  hia  Pharmacopeia  would  have  been  very  badly 
stocked;  for  nei*her  its  air  nor  its  water  can  l>e  reoomnieudrd,  from 
their  excpssive  purity,  for  cleanliness;  though,  at  the  same  lime, 
wo  nnist  confess  that  tbe  water  of  tbe  Thames  is.  in  its  way,  *'tf 
perfect  drug." 

RErt.£CTION   OP  A   LONnON   SIGHT^SEEIU 

I  wouldn't  give  two-peaoa  to  see  St.  Paul's— if  the  Dean  and 

Chapter  didn't  make  me. 


i 


4 


4 


i 


OUK  "USED  UP"  MAN  TAKES  A  WALK  WITH  HIS  COUSINS  IN  KENSINGTON  GARDENS. 


I 

I 


THR  GRATUITOUS  EXHIBITIONS  OF  LONDON. 

In  Htis  dearth  of  Bights,  opeu  Rratuitou&Iv  to  the  public,  wc  tliit.k  it 
our  dutv  to  point  Ihe  attention  of  tbe  jMiblic  to  such  objects  of  out  of 
door  attraclioQ  sa  hat  bo  seen  upon  those  easy  terms  on  which  a  cut 
i«  vulgarly  supposed  to  enjoy  the  privileRe  of  gazing  at  rovolty.  For 
those  who  cannot  aflford  the  Zoologtcal  Gardens,  at  one  shill'Dir,  there 
is  the  collection  of  animals  known  as  the  Happy  Family,  in  Tr&falmr 
Square ;  and  though  there  is  a  suspicious  drowsinefts  abnul  sHne  of  the 
inmates  of  the  cage,  wiiich  leads  ub  Bometimes  to  doubt  whether  the 
apAlhjr  of  some  of  'he  antagoniBtic  Irihes  is  Ihc  result  of  discipline  or 
drugging,  the  exhibition  posaessea  sufficient  interest  to  repay  thf 
pNAnenger  for  n  moment's  pull  up  on  the  pavemrnt.  For  those  of 
active  imaginations  who  can  see  in  the  spirting  of  the  ayrioge  the 
grandeur  of  the  cai^cade^  there  src  a  few  pints  to  be  qu&ifed  from 
pleasure's  cup  in  a  conleniplatio;n  of  the  paltry  piece  of  lumcockery 
that  is  going  on  in  the  imme(li>ito  neighbourhood  of  the  exhibition 
already  alluded  to.  For  the  lorers  of  pictorial  art  who  cannot  indulge 
their  taste  hy  paying  for  admission  to  galleries  of  paintines,  there  are 
numerous  specimens  of  the  modern  masters  to  be  seen  in  llie  course  of 
a  ramble  through  the  metropolis.  There  are  the  illuininatcd  vans,  for 
inathtice  affording  gratuitous  gUuipsea  of  the  exhibitions  they  are 
designed  to  advertise. 

To  those  who  cannot  afford  to  visit  the  Panorama  of  the  Nile,  there 
is  a  camel,  served  up  like  a  sandwich  between  a  pair  of  pyramids,  lo  be 
seen  for  nothing  at  all ;  and  those  who  cannot  muster  a  shilling  for  the 
excursion  to  Auatralirt  and  back,  under  the  guidance  of  NtB.  Pnour, 
who  inviies  the  public  to  enter  into  bit  Australian  view?,  may  eujoy  any 
day  in  Urgent  Street  a  small  taste  of  convicts  and  kangaroos,  in  a  scrips 
of  two  tableaux,  on  a  perambul&ling  cart,  drawn  by  a  boras  that  would 
have  caused  IUchahd  tub  Tiiibd  to  have  repented  of  his  bargaia,  bad 
the  brute  been  brought  forward  when  the  monarch  was  offering  bis 
kingdom  for  a  specimen  of  the  animal.  These  tableaux  are  not  only 
amusing  but  iniitruclive,  for  one  ol  them  has  taught  us  the  fallacy  of 
the  saying  that  "  a  bird  in  ha!id  is  worth  two  in  the  bush,"  for  we  learn 
from  the  Austraiisn  views  that  Ihe  birds  iu  the  bush  are  of  such 
exquisite  beauty,  that  one  of  tbem  is  worth  any  two  or  any  twenty  of 
those  that  wc  h^ve  ever  had  in  band  in  this  country. 


We  need  scarcely  call  attention  to  Ihe  numerous  exhibitions  of  wax- 
work that  are  scattered  all  over  Ihe  t-own  at  the  tailors'  doors,  and 
which  if  they  do  not  equal  in  fearful  interest  the  Chamber  of  Horrors, 
yet  afibrd  pleasing  illuHtralions  of  the  state  of  national  eostnme  in  the 
middle  of  the  nineteenth  century. 

We  say  nothing  about  the  Fantoccini  i>crfomiancea  that  abound 
in  London,  for  ihey  are  only  quasi-gratuitous,  inasmuch  as  the  thrusting 
of  a  haf  under  one  s  nose  amounts  lo  a  sort  of  douee  violfnce,  as  Lord 
Bkougtia-U  calU  it,  which  one  is  only  too  glad  to  get  rid  of  at  the 
nacnfice  of  one's  lo«.»se  copper.  We  had  nearly  forgotten  that  for  those 
who  love  the  bustle  and  excitement  of  military  soencs,  the  glitter  and 
clutter  of  camps  and  courts,  there  is  the  daily  encampment  of  a  British 
Cohort  in  the  court ->ard  of  St.  James's  Palace.  There  may  be  seen,  for 
nothing,  the  youn;?  Guardsman  first  smelling  Sre  from  a  amoky  chimney 
in  the  ncighhourhoud,  and  learning  while  standing  by  bis  colours  at  bis 
post — the  lamp-i>ost  in  the  centre — to  bear  the  heat  of  the  action ;  for 
the  action,  though  comparatively  trifling,  i-*  certainly  not  without  heat 
when  the  sun  happens  to  be  rather  powerful.  Such  are  a  few  of  the 
smtuitous  Exhibuions  that  London  contaius,  and  we  have  no  doubt 
tliat  having  put  people  on  the  right  scent,  they  hare  only  to  follow 
ilieir  noses  to  find  out  many  others  such  as  ibote  ve  have  drawn 
atteniioa  to. 


The  Coming  Animal. 

A  Hippopotamus  is  waiiing  %t  Alexandria,  to  be  shipped  over  to 
England.  This  will  be  the  first  visit  ever  paid  to  this  country  by  Ihia 
noble  and  rare  crenlure.  Apartments  have  already  been  engaged  for 
him  at  the  Zoological  Gardens,  where  an  artist  will  wait  upon  him  at 
the  very  earliest  opportunity,  with  the  view  of  taking  bia  portrait. 

A  ship  has  been  put  at  the  disposal  of  the  Hippopotamus  -  and  the 
captain  has  received  orders  to  pay  him  every  nossiole  attention,  and  to 
spare  no  expense  in  "  going  the  entire  animal. ' 

The  Rhinoceros  lately  has  been  very  noisy,  and  has  not  slept  for 
weeks,  the  keepers  say  there  is  more  in  this  than  meets  the  eye;  but 
for  ouraclvM,  we  attribute  it  to  a  mejwi  spirit  of  jealousy.  The  Rhino- 
ceros h  evidently  afraid  that  the  Hippopotamus  will  put  his  noee  ont 
of  joint. 


i 
4 


i 


PATRON  SAINTS  FOR  THE  WORKING  CLASSES. 

eab  Pumch.— I  am  a  journeyman  c«r- 
pcnlcr  and  joiner.  I  bare  a  wife  and 
four  cbildren.  1  bfg  pardon  if  by  so 
callioR  them,  instead  of  terming?  tliem 
my  old  woman  and  kids,  or  toud^  un«, 
I  am  usinff  lanfruage  unsuited  to  my 
atatiou  in  life.  Let  that  pass.  I  took 
the  former  and  two  of  tbe  latter  to  see 
the  National  GaUerr  and  the  British 
Miisi'uni  on  Easter  Mondar. 

"  If  it  be  asked  what  tbcre  is  lo  in- 
terest nic  at  either  of  those  places,  1 
answer,  the  Pic'ures  in  one,  and  the 
Statues,  snd  Antiquities,  and  Stuffed 
Animals  in  the  other.  I  sptnd  a 
part  of  my  leisure  time  in  reading, 
and  know  &  little  about  sucli  matter?, 
tboueh  not  «o  macli  as  I  could  wish. 

"When  I  go  tolookatapictureorastatuPjIlikc  to  sit  or  stand  brfore 
it  in  quiet  nnd  comfort,  (tire  my  mind  to  it,  and  enjoy  the  thoughts  which 
it  conjures  up:  1  had  rather  do  this  thun  smoke  a  pipe.  So  when  I 
examiue  curiosities  and  specimens  of  natoral  history,  I  wish  to  do  it 
with  my  attention  undisturbed. 

"On  Raster  Monday  both  the  Museum  and  Gallery  were  so  crowded 
as  to  moke  it  a  hard  maUcr  to  move.  I  got.  mere  glimpses,  which  only 
tantalised  me,  of  the  wonderful  and  beautiful  things  in  tbcm.  My  wife 
nearly  fainted  with  llio  heat,  and  my  children,  the  biggest  of  wbotn  is 
not  up  to  my  shouldfr,  could  scarcely  see  at  all,  and  were  slmo^t  stifled 
for  nothing.  I  have  read  in  newspapers  of  a  place  called  t!ie  crush- 
room  at  theQoEEN's  Opera-  I  suppose  ihe  Brilish  Museum  and  the 
National  Gallery  on  Easter  Monday  may  have  been  something  like  it. 
If  80,  my  eitpenence  on  that  day  was  a  lesson  to  me  not  to  envy  my 
betters. 

"  These  tiro  exhibitions  will  continue  to  be  crowdtd  in  this  wav,  so 
Jong  as  they  are  the  only  ones  open  gratis  on  the  few  holidays  we  nave 
in  the  course  of  the  year.  This  being  the  case,  such  institutions  will 
never  do  us  any  good;  for  you  don't  breathe  in  improvement  with 
the  mere  air  of  a  room,  especially  when  it  is  loaded  with  800  or  1000 
breaths  besides  your  own. 

"To  see  thes«  places  in  comfort,  and  therefore  to  an;r  good  purpose, 
what  we  workpeople  want  i«  a  grea^^'r  nuniber  of  hoIidn>s,  carJi  holi- 
day being  only  for  a  certain  number  at  a  time ;  so  that  we  may  take 
pleasure,  like  labour,  in  gangs. 

•*  This  would  be  no  new-fangled  system  of  holidays.  We  have  one 
already  cut  and  dried.  Tliere  are  the  Saints'  days.  Suppose  we  kept 
Ihem.  Not  by  worshipping  the  Saints  as  dcmi-godsj  or  any  nonsense 
of  that  sort,  but  by  taking  heal'hy  and  useful  recreation.  Tfic  Sainls. 
I  suppose,  were  good  folks,  and  would  approve  of  this  way  of  showing 
rcsptct  to  them.  As  it  is,  their  names  stand  in  the  Calmdnr,  going  for 
no  more  than  those  of  so  many  directors  of  a  Savings'  Bank.  I  except 
St.  Drtvid  and  Sf .  Patrick  ;  and  1  propose  to  keep  the  other  Saints'  days 
Uke  theirs— barring  the  drink. 

"Iliemsmierl  would  have  the  Saints' days  kept  in,  is  (his.  Formerly, 
every  irade  almost,  had  a  Saint  at  the  head  of  it;  the  wool-combers 
St.  BUizr,  I  think ;  the  cobblers  St.  Crispin,  and  so  on.  Very  well. 
Let  each  irado  observe  its  own  Saint's  Day,  and  do  him  the  honour  of 
Tisiting  gratuitous  cxhibitinns.  fetching  a  pleasant  walk  in  the  fields, 
or  going  a  nul  or  steamboat  pilgnmi^  to  such  places  as  Windsor  or 
Hampton  Court.  In  tlin  meantime  if  anything  were  known  of  the 
Saint,  to  call  his  history  to  mind,  with  a  view  to  take  ^ttero  from  it, 
if  worthy  of  being  taken  pattern  from,  would  be  very  nght  and  proper, 
of  course.  MjUisns.  Spook£B  and  Pluuptuk  would  lind  that  steam- 
boats and  trains  would  load  much  less  on  Sundavs,  if  roasters  and  men 
would  put  the ir  horses  toRelher,  and  make  the  above  arrangement. 

*'  Some  trades  and  callings  have  no  Saints  of  their  own :  the  Navvies, 
for  instance,  who  came  up  since  the  Saints'  time.  Such  trades  might 
elect  a  provisional  Saint  to  serve  till  they  could  produce  a  new  one. 
Why  cannot  Saints  be  niaJe  now,  as  formerly  ?  Why  not  a  St.  Dobbs, 
stonemason,  as  well  as  a  St.  Ddxstan,  blacksmith  ?  The  Saint  might 
be  an  artisan,  a  tailor,  a  bookbinder,  a  piumber'and-glitzitr,  a  cotton- 
spinBCr — what  vou  will — who  bod  led  an  uncommonly  respectable  life. 
lie  should  not  ne  like  the  sort  of  Saint  that  used  to  live  as  a  hermit, 
wearing  horse-hair  next  his  skin  and  nrytt  changing  it;  on  tbe  con- 
tniry,  he  shou'd  be  remarkable  for  having  generally  had  a  dean  shirt 
I.1-,  nnd  for  having  creditably  supported  a  wife  and  family.  When  such 
a  Rood  fellow  as  this  dies— leaving,  perhaps,  a  trifle  for  his  widow  and 
children— canonise  him.  Keep  a  happy  holiday  yearly  in  his  honour. 
Call  him  Hero,  if  you  stick  at  a  title  that  vou  think  too  serious;  but 
if  anybody  in  these  hard  times  deserves  to  be  oouuLed  a  Saint,  it  u  the 
temperate,  honest,  iuduatrious  Working  Man. 

"  Yours,  JoHV  Adaus ." 


monum:ent  to  ebenezer  eluott. 

Thb  true-tempered  men  of  ShcfTirld  arc  about  to  do  a  n^-v  l.rnnMr  f^ 
themselves  by  honouring  the  memory  of  Kbenezeh  Kllio  i 

whose  iron  pen  dxew  up  the  indictment  apainst  that  public  k  i- 

Law:  and  never  WAS  indicUncnt  belter  drawn  for  conviction ;  though 
a  rare  success  attended  the  novel  deed,  for  it  was  only  worded  with 
common  words,  the  words  themselves  hot  and  glowing  with  hat*  of 
wrong.  Elliott  struck  from  hi*  subject— as  the  blttcksmith  s'rikea 
from  tbe  red  iron— sparkles  ol  burning  light;  and  where  they  fell  they 
coufcumcd.  llis  homely  indignation  was  sublimed  by  the  intennity  of 
his  honesty:  if  his  words  were  homely,  they  were  made  resist  Ic-ta  by 
the  inexorable  purpose  that  uttered  them.  But  the  man  bad  the  true 
heart  and  soul  of  the  poet,  and  could  love  tbe  simple  and  beautiful  u« 
paasionately  as  he  denounced  the  selCeh  and  the  mean.  He  would  turn 
from  the  coronet  of  the  corn-law  landlord,  Iho  thing  he  had  hamuiered 
vcrv  sntall  indeed,  showing  with  his  beat  vehemence,  how  very,  very 
little  was  ft  symbol  of  socud  rank  when  misused  for  social  wrong,  h« 
would  turn  from  the  battered  bauble,  and  then  from  the  heart  of  a 
hedge-flower  extract  the  balm  of  beauty,  and  the  spirit  of  love. 

The  Corn-Law  Hhymcs  did  greatest  service.  1  hey  were  the  earliest 
utterances  of  a  people,  contending  with  a  sense  of  inarticulate  suffering. 
They  supplied  the  words ;  they  eave  a  voice  and  meaning  lo  tbe  labour- 
ing heart,  and  the  true  poet  vinnicAted  Ms  true  mission,  by  making  bis 
spirit  pass  into  the  spirits  of  the  many. 

Very  secure,  indeed,  in  iJie  genius  of  the  Corn-Law  were  the  lordly 
corn-law  landlords.  ConlernnluouBiy  serene  the  titled  Trintolemuaea, 
There  wa?,  to  be  sure,  a  fitful  noise — an  impatient  grunt  of  the  awine 
multitude;  impatient  of  high-priced  meal.  Yet  all  went  gaily  in  the 
House;  yea,  in  both  Houses  of  Ijandlords.  And,  at  tbe  time,  there 
was  A  plain,  strong,  vulgar  man  putting  down  certain  syllables,  mea- 
suring out  wordy  lines — every  line  the  sinew  of  a  Sumpson  to  pull 
down  tbe  heathen  temple  where  Monopoly  sat  enshrined.  And  these 
words  went  abroad.  They  were  sung  by  workmen  on  their  roa*i  to 
labour— I  hey  were  chanted  at  clubs  i  tuey  were  droned  at  the  fireside. 
Wrong  and  indignation  were  packed  into  verses,  and  made  portable  to 
the  smallest  faculty.  In  the  meanwhile,  what  cared  tbe  laudlord 
Commons, — what  the  landlord  Lords  P 

Time  rolled  on,  and  Corn-Law  was  oondenined.  The  indictment 
drawn  by  thex>oet,  was  the  draft  afterwards  ioiprovcd:  but  EBrsvzEH 
Eluott  was  the  first  drawer;  and  honoured  be  the  men  of  Sliellicld, 
who  seek  to  do  monumental  homage  to  their  patriotic  poet !  We  hare 
plenty  of  modem  statues  to  tlie  sword.  It  is  full  lime  we  had  one  to 
the  oen. 


OUR  WIVES  AND  OUK  LITTLE  ONES. 

The  7Vm«,  in  an  article  deploring  the  want  of  gratuitous  amuse- 
ments for  the  people,  intimates  tliat  lliere  is  at  least  one  squalling  baby, 
on  an  average,  in  every  aparlment  of  the  Nalional  Gallery,  Our  oon- 
tcmporary  is  unwilling  to  insist  on  the  exclusion  of  babies,  lest  the  effect 
should  be  to  prevent  tbe  admission  of  those  who  carry  the  interesting 
burdens,  bat  it  is  gently  stated  that  their  squalls  do  not  contribute  much 
to  a  pleasant  contemplation  of  the  great  masters.    It  is  true  that  the 

f[reat  masters  must  frequently  have  attention  taken  from  them  by  the 
ittlemft-ilers  and  little  mi'^ses  in  thfir  parent*!*  arms,  but,  jjcrhaps  a  sort 
of  machine  like  an  umbrella-stand,  mii?ht  be  placed  at  thcaoors.  m  which 
babies  could  be  safely  and  snugly  deposited.  Each  infant,  witu  a  ticket 
round  i's  neck,  miglit  be  claimed  by  the  holder  of  a  corresponding 
ticket  given  at  the  door,  and  Ihe  infants  would,  at  all  events,  he  safe 
against  tiic  rifk  Ihut  aMends  umbrellas  of  bring  stolen.  If  the  bsby- 
stand  is  not  approved  of  by  the  authorities,  we  should  luggest  the 
!  adoption  of  baby-jumpers  at  tbe  doors  of  our  public  exhibitions,  and 
[thus  both  parents  and  offspring  could  beenjuyiug  Lbeirfull  swing  of 
pleasure  at  the  same  moment. 


Agitation  at  a  Discount 

TooR  Mn.  Joiis  0*Connell  declared  that  when  be  sees  the  apathT 
of  his  countrymen,  "  his  heart  is  rent."  If  his  heart  is  rent,  there  wiU 
be  very  little  for  him  to  take  to  heart  just  now,  for  the  repealers  are 
evidently  desirous  of  keeping  wha'.  money  they  have  in  their  own 
pockets.  The  son  of  the  A^irator  complains  bitterly  of  his  having  lost 
every  atom  of  the  pa-rrntml  inlluence  which  be  once  hoped  to  exercise. 


TV'HJiT's  in  a  KAllBf 

Amoko  the  visitors  of  rank,  fashion,  and  distinction  who  "asiisted" 
at  the  reentry  of  Sontao  at  Her  Majesty's  Theatre  lust  week  we  find 
the  name  of  Bsron  db  Scuehtz.  We  nmst  say  that  in  the  brilliant 
assemblage  wc  observed  no  one  that  appeared  to  us  as  if  he  were  really 
Bason  or  Barren  of  Scukhtz  or  Shirfa,  but  perhaps,  if  there  reallj 
was  a  cose  of  tbe  kind,  the  individual  wore  thn  collar  of  some  order  to 
hide  the  deficicuoy 


PUNCH.  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


1 


POST-OFFICE  DESECRATION  OF  THE  SABBATH. 

It  appears  that  the  Maaqitemof  Clixeicardb  h&s  ftlrfrvtyeiTeoted 
or  is  iihfiui  to  elTrct.  &  poaCol  arraDKeinent  vith  F»Dce,  by  wliich  all 
Jcltrre  betweca  France  ami  Eneland  will  be  reduced  to  sixpence,  Biid 
further,  Ihat  the  oaid  letters  will  be  permitted  to  c»rry  added  weigh', 
DAdieiy,  balf-wi-ouncc!  With  these  facta  published  in  every  news- 
paper, the  upaltijr  uf  iho  ardeat.  candid  folks,  who  of  Intr  <ienotiuc«d 
Ihc  unrighleousneai  of  the  Post-ffficc  infidcU,— appears  to  Pun^A  more 
than  perplexing.  The  French  people  are  notoriously  careless  of  bunday 
observance;  therefore  is  it  not  plnin  that  any  treaty  that  shall  facilitate 
poatnl  intercJMiae  between  Parm  and  Loudon,  i:"«j/ tend  to  the  postal 
d'*»ecration  of  au  EnRliah  Sunday?  S'jould  any  moetin|c  be  convened 
ui'on  the  question.  Mr.  Funch  begs  leave  to  state  1  hat  thii,  hi»  last  flrc- 
ncir  argument,  is  at  the  service  oi  auy  bold-faced  spfakcr.  It  it  quite 
AS  s*roiir,  arid  bo  less  lexical,  tlian  auvthioff  hitherto  advanced  against 
the  Sabbath  "desecration'*  of  llio  MAiiquEsaor  Clambicahdb  and 

fiJoWLAtfP   HIUm 


N 


PUHCH'S  HAND-BOOK  TO  ffER  MAJESTY'S  THEATRE. 

HEUE  is  in  (hete 
days  a  Hand- Book 
from  everywhere 
to  everywhere 
else,  and  if  any 
one  wauts  to  ro 
anywhere  anyhow, 
the  enlerpris'ug 
piibli^hersaresiiru 
to  furnish  him  with 
a  gtiiJe  in  post 
octavo,  as  a  sort 
of  aign-poat  to 
di-ect  his  move- 
menta.  The  pil- 
grim about  to 
s'art  from  Ken- 
sington to  Knm- 
♦  cliAtko,  or  from 
P.rnrylothePy- 
frtHii  is,  will  have 
ilm  cost  of  every- 
Ihini;  Itiid  down 
for  liifii,  from  the 
fure  of  the  first 
'bus  lolhc  charpe 
for  the  In^tcatnel. 
Wc  defy  any  one 
startiDgfroinChcl- 
sea  to  niiss  one 
inch  of  the  way  to  China,  if  he  only  provides  himso  f  « i  h  a  nioucni 
Hand'Book.  which  will  lake  him  up  at  the  Goat  and  Hoots,  and  set 
btm  down  at  Ibc  sign  of  the  Mandaria  and  Nine  Tails  iu  the  Ccles'ial 
Empire. 

Tuerc  is,  however,  an  empire— the  delicioub  rcAlma  of  s^ng,  to  which 
we  hare  resolved  on  furnishing  a  Hand-Book.  These  real  its  ar.t  con. 
fined  within  the  walls  of  Uer  Majesty's  Thfarre.  and  though  the 
dominious  are  not  VMt  in  extent,  thryarc  important  from  the  numerous 
objects  of  interest  tlicy  contain,  and  the  iafluence  they  exercisf. 

The  laiiS"o^c>  costume,  and  l-abi^s  of  the  population  are  remarkable 
for  their  vjiriety,  and  the  produc'iuns  of  the  place  present  the  most 
curious  iiihjrcla  of  study  to  the  lover  of  art  and  nature.  The  scenery 
oombiaea  tiie  warmth  and  luxuriance  of  the  South,  with  the  bnld  and 
rugged  grandeur  of  the  North.  The  buildings  embrace  every  school  of 
architecture,  both  ancient  and  modem,  while  the  climate  is  full  of  allcr- 
uationi,  as  sudden,  and  almost  aa  severe  as  those  of  an  English  summer. 
We  bare  often  witnessed  the  graceful  paiinewrt  gliding  over  ice,  on  the 
aame  spot  that  had  lately  been  the  floor  of  a  splendid  sa/oHt  and  we  bare 
teen  the  snow-capped  mountain  occupying,  within  half  an  hour,  the 
position  in  which  the  (retted  roof  of  a  banquetting  hall  had  lately  been 
Tisibte.  ^Ve  have  witnessed  before  our  very  eyes,  the  furniture  of 
nature  repUced  by  the  upholstery  of  art,  for  we  have  been  startled  by 
the  sudden  disappearance  of  the  mossy  bank  and  the  leafy  bower,  iu 
order  to  sivc  way  to  the  easy  chair,  and  curtained  canopy. 

The  place  we  are  about  to  describe  is  in  the  centre  of  the  great 
western  empire  of  fashion,  and  it  is  watered  by  the  great  stream  of 
population  which  flows  into  it  on  all  sides.  It  is  approached  from 
the  e&st  by  the  picturesque  ridge  of  mutineers,  mustard-pots,  and 
pepper-boxes,  which  have  caused  the  National  Gallery  to  oe  so 
generally  ineexed  at ;  and  the  same  approach  is  refreshed  on  the 
aouth  Side,  by  those  very  small  beer  fouutaini  which,  almost  always 
on  tap,  are  continually  throwing  cold  water  on  tbe  tbeit  site  in 


Europe.    The  acceet  from  the  west  is  niuatly  roarked  b^  a  long  line  la 

vehicles,  all  directed  to  the  same  pointy  and  it  is  by  joimng  the  carafui 

that  the  traveller  is  enabled  to  arrive,  in  his  proper  turn,  at  tbe  place  of 

)iis  destination.     Before  reaching  the  spot,  lie  will  he,  most  probably, 

beset  bv  a  herd  of  male  and  female  liarbarians,  who  tiirow  themselves 

under  the  horses'  hoofs  and  the  corria^  wheels.  wi(h  a  deterniinaiion 

nnd  obi'tinacy,  reniiiiding  one   of  nothmit  sh<MLof  JvuGi:KyAUT.    The 

object  of  this  insane  aacrillce  which,  it  is  calculated,  lakes  off  one  per 

Cent,  of  the  toes  uf  the  viotims.  it  the  attempt  tO  sell  certain  books, 

purporting  to  describe   what 

will  be  seen  iu  the  interior. 

This,  however,  might  as  well 

be  left  to  the  imagination^  as 

for  as  the  books  in  quest  iou 

are  concerned;  for  what  book 

can  describe  such  a  scene  as 

may  be  passing  within,  when 

LabLACHE  in  J)on  Patquale — 

that  ton  of  man,  aff'rcting  the 

man  of  ton—h  raising  a  laugh 

by  his    attempts  to  raise  a 

biUet, 

The  fraudulent  productions 
alluded  to  are  not  to  be  relied 
on,  for  they  are  merely  the 
t|>^>il8  of  a  piratical  horde, 
who  infest  the  neighbourhood 
for  the  purpose  of  waylaying 
the  unsuspec'ing  traveller. 
Some  of  the  gentler  (.onion 
of  the  neighbouring  popula- 
tion come  forward  with  llow- 
eni  in  their  hands,  and  one 
might  fancy  oneself  among 
those  "peasant  pirls'*  whom 
Byron  sp'^aks  of  "with  dark 
blue  e}e^"  but  tbttt  ihe  eyes 
in  Idle  prescDt  iustanco  are 
">"/"  frtqueLtW  black  than  blue,  and  that  the  shiiU  exclamation 
fjf  'Buy  a  boiik  or  a  book-kay"  reminds  us  that  wo  nra  among  a 
bund  of  strairglers  from  the  adjacent  land  of  cockneydom.  At  wo 
nefir  our  dtstinatiou  the  atmosphere  becomes  more  refined:  small 
picktj's  of  police  stave  dIT  the  marauders  by  the  mere  production 
of  staves.  While  we  gradually  descend  that  little  range  of  mole-hills— 
we  cannot  call  the  whole  concern  put  to;5Ctber  a  mountain— which 
•lopes  down  from  Piccadilly,  we  liud  ourselves  passing  through  a  kind 
of  I'erracina  where  every  carriage  is  wavlaid  by  bandit  booksrller* :  and 
'here  is  one  who  might  be  considered  the  Fra  Diaoolo  of  the  Hay 
M.orket,  if  bis  velveteens  happened,  to  be  green  instead  of  whitey- 
brnvvu. 

The  frontier  is  now  nearly  gained,  and  a  display  of  military  force 
marks  the  boundary  of  a  st|Minite  domain.  The  army  is  no',  on  a  very 
extensive  scale,  nor  is  there  any  standing  army,  for  one  part  of  it  is 
always  walkin-;  to  and  fro,  wbUe  the  other  part  is  silting  down  comfort- 
ably before  a  nre,  vbich  in  a  pleasant  substitute  for  the  fire  of  theeneuiy. 
The  pttciftc  poUcv  prcvadmg  in  the  dominions  of  Opera,  or  realms  of 
Song,  precludes  Ine  necessity  for  an  extensive  soldierv,  and  in  fact  the 
civil  power  is  parAmount,  for  the  ulmost  civility  prevails  at  thefrouticr. 
as  well  an  ftt^tue  barrier,  where  the  passiwrtof  the  travelierwill  have  to 
be  shown.  Ibis  passport  should  be  procured  a  few  days  before  setting 
out.  and  as  some  of  our  readers  may  be  unprovided  with  a  passport, 
without  which  they  cannot  accompany  us  to  the  interior,  we  eball  pro- 
ceed no  further  at  present,  for  any  one  who  has  accompanied  ut  thus 
far  ought  not,  we  think,  to  be  to  ungraciously  treated  as  to  be  left 
outside. 


NO  (CONSCIENCE)  MONEV  RETURNGI). 

In  what  the  Timet  ought  to  coll  its  "  Greenhorn's  Corner,"  it  wu 
lately  announceJ  that 

"  Tho  CaAXCRUUift  or  tub  Excuagrwi  tuu  rronirM  rram  X  ttia  Ant  linir  ol  a 
t&  n'>i«.    Ue  oaaoot  auirar  the  quMttoa  u  to  lUhlUiy." 

We  miss  a  little  appendage,  which  migbt  luive  been  gracefully  added 
to  Ihe  above  announcement,  namely : — 

-'  Tba  CnAXCELLOB  or  trk  F.xchkquih  h&g»  to  b«  lafonBed  of  X'l  nddrMs,  la  onlar 
tliat  be  maj  ratani  blm  Um  bU  of  B«nk  pftiwr." 

The  fact  of  this  omission  should  be  a  lesson  to  all  those  who  are 
troubled  with  any  .scruples  aa  to  whether  thcirarcounts  are  quite  square 
with  their  tax-Katlierer.  In  aqueatian  of  liability  Government  takes 
the  twncfit  of  the  doubt.  Hencefor^'ard,  surelv,  the  most  morbidly 
conscientious  lax-p»er  will  not  hesitate  to  use  tLe  same  license,  and 
tft/V  hesitate  before  he  sends  half  a  note  to  tlie  Kxchequer-Offioe;  an 
act  of  raahness  infinitely  greater  than  thrusting  one's  head  half-way  into 
a  lion'a  mouth. 


I 

I 
I 


I 


OUR     LITTLE     BIRD. 


MILK  FROM  THE  M0DNTMB8. 

To  Suuiuh  »auiU  and  about 
twelTe  milliona  of  Spaoish 
human  creatures — peoplr,Rll 
deemed  rational,  witb  an  ini- 
niortal  purpose — to  starred, 
celcslial  patrons,  wa'cli- 
inff  tbe  de»tii)ies  of  Spaia 
and  the  aforesaid  millions  of 
iiuman  bipeds,  on  their 
course  heavenwards  —  it 
must  be  a  matter  dear  aa 
daily  incense,  and  daily  bread 
and  oil  io  know  that — to  the 
passing  astomalmifnt  of  the 
late  Louis-Philippe,  now 
CouwT  DE  Nbpillt— thfl  QoEBN  Of  SpAtN  ifl  prosperously  living 
towards  nia*erpit>,  and  the  consequence  thereof  is,  that — 

"TwoPlty«lcUn«,appoin'*dby  tbf  Ch»mben(,  ItA  Mfcdrid  on  the  S4tb  alt,»ocIiO(>M, 
lo  Uw  BiouDi&itu  of  SluiUnlcr,  TVi-o  beAltby  aunc*  to  iuokle  ibo  Itoyal  tiifktit." 

An  old  Spanish  writer  lays  it  down  aa  a  doinestio  caoon  that— if  the 
child  be  a  boy.  it  must  have  two  nurse*.  The  brace  of  piiysicianf, 
solemnly  despatched  by  tbe  patriotic,  pbilosqpiiic  CLiambers,  in  sra'ch 
of  mirscB, evidently  hope  for  a  man-chdd.  It  is,  doubtless,  this  exalting 
tispiralion  that  ctieers  them  onwards  to  Santonder.  to  bring  back  to 
Madrid  mdk  from  the  mouu^aias. 

For  our  own  part,  we  may  be  permitted  to  indulge  at  this  rrry 
momeuf,  a  sage  indifference  in  tbe  matter  of  tbe  sex  of  the  aiifrnst  little 
myitory— the  small  majesty  Upeito.  We,  snow-blooded  English,  who 
worship  neither  Bourbon  s*int  nor  Bourbon  royalty,  may  be  fairly 
exempt  from  any  palpitation  of  the  heart,  whether  destiny  tosses  man 
or  woman.  Nevertheless,  as  a  general  principle,  we  prefer  queens  to 
kings.  Somehow,  the  crown  is  not  mute  so  met.* oric  on  the  head  of  a 
female,  and  the  sceptre  ha«  more  of  the  grace  and  light nr^s  of  a  palm- 
branch.  Besides,  frugality  is  a  female  virtue :  queenii,  as  they  are  more 
valuable,  are ht  the  same  time  cheaper.  Is  it  not  so  ?  Tiet  us  suppose 
—  it  cannot  be  tre&sonous  towards  any  holy  in  St.  George's  Chapel — 
thftt  there  biut  never  hern  a  Gi^obge  tue  Fouhth  ;  but  in  his  stead  a 
buxom,  good,  domestic  Gcukuina.  How  much  should  we  have  saved 
in  bara  cash,  and— «rhat  as  the  most  moral  and  pious  country  under 
tbe  sun  is,  perhaps,  of  equal  consideration — how  muob  in  'he  begotteu 
iniquity  of  scandalous  example  ?  Again,  queens  are  safer ;  their 
thrones  more  stable.  How  many  a  man  jerked  or  tumbled  into  i  he  sea, 
has  gone  down,  struggling  and  shouting,  beating  tbe  waters,  and  doing 
his  best  lo  ride  above  them — down  be  has  gone,  and  no  qutsLious 
asked  P  How  many  a  woman,  untowardly  cast,  upon  the  same  clemcur 
lias  floatei  like  halcyon,  unlU  rwcucd  :  floated,  without  any  effort  of 
her  own.  but  by  an  accident  of  her  feminine  condition  P  Her  petticoats 
have  kept  ber  up. 

Had  ihe  aalique  law  not  oblained  in  France — we  olTer  this  question 
as  a  Iheais  to  M.  Guizot— might  not  Louis  Puiuppe  be  itill  couuting 
his  (we  mean  ber)  money  at  thei  Tuilerieaf 

Therefore,  if  we  maybe  allowed  the  luxury  of  a  liLlle  anxiety  fur 
Spain  at  this  interesting  moment — witb  twelve  millions  of  Spanish  souls 
in  a  twitter  of  teuderest  ap^reheusion — if  we  may  send  in  a  fluttering 
wish  among  tbe  millions,  it  is  that  Her  Majesty  Isabella,  may 
become  mother  of  a  daughter :  yes.  a  little  giri— if  princesses  are  ever 
little — even  though  one  of  the  nurses  be  sent  ba^rk  to  Santaoder. 

We  confess  it  to  be  a  bold  Ibougiit  that  would  lly  lo  the  Asturias— 
that,  would  dare  those  mountatnous  districts,  in  a  buze  and  tumult  with 
the  news  of  the  doctorB,  on  pilgrimage  for  mafroa  nourishment — of  ibe 
purest  and  healtbiest  sort,  yes.  pure  and  healthy  from  the  mountains — 
\qx  tbe  illustrious  unknown,  tho  fleshly,  unrevekled  magniflcence  of  tbe 
hot,  close,  soul-stifling  Spantsli  court.  .Milk  from  tbe  Mountains !  Do 
not  tbe  Bourbons  need  it?  Could  hart  pant  with  hotter  thirst  for  the 
water-course,  than  the  thick,  foul  blood  of  the  Spanish  Bourbon— ^till 
fool  with  the  miasma  of  unventilated  centuries — wght  to  yearn  for 
mountain  freshness,  could  the  blessing  corne  with  nuisea  f 

A  few  days  since,  and  what  a  flutter  among  the  young  thriving  wives 
of  Saatander  1  What  visious  of  glory!  What  dreams  of  seraphic 
prioccs  and  princesses  nutsed  at  tbe  chosen,  the  promoted  bosoms  of 
nantander:  exalted  from  the  mountains ;  exalted  to — a  Court!  What 
a  grave,  aolemn  review  of  flustered,  bUok-eyed  candidates  for  the  tre- 
mendous honour  of  suckling  or  balf-suckling  a  probable  king  I  Over- 
whelming the  glonr  of  Ihe  possibility!  Tooc  the  fo^ter-moiher  of  a 
king  of  Spain!  Why,  witb  the  awful  thought,  the  mountain  spins  Like 
a  t^,  and  tbe  dazzled  sun  blinks  in  heaven ! 

We  would  take  breath,  and  ask,  are  the  women  of  Santander.  as  wet- 
nurses,  under  the  patronage  of  any  particular  Spanish  saunt,  or  are  they, 
in  tbe  proeeot  Interesting  case,  pointed  at  by  tbe  floger  of  profane 
knowledge,  as  the  moat  robusMbe  healthiest  of  matrons  F    is  their 


milk  spiritualised  by  thn  e^pecuU  favour  of  anv  Madonna,  or  is  it  simply, 
natur^lv,  the  beat  P  The  two  misKioDary  puyaiciana  may  answer,  if 
they  will.  WD  cannot.  We  merely  know,  upon  book- authority,  that 
there  are  rainta,  whose  particular  butinesa  it  is  to  watch  over  the 
interest  itig  minutes  of  Spanish  princesses.  The  Virgin  has  an  cbstetrio 
sash,  with  marvellous  comfort  in  tbe  web.  at  Tortosa;  a  sash,  that 
brings  certain  and  immediate  happiness  to  labouring  Infantan.  More- 
over, tbe  Virgin  of  O^a  has,  time  out  of  mind,  destroyed  worms  in 
royal  InfantAs.  Snakes — (and  Spanish  Bourbons  have  been  troubled 
with  the  largerpcut.  to  the  great  wmoyauce  of  their  loving  subjects,) — 
snakes,  we  take  it^  are  beyond  her  skill.  However,  in  the  present  case 
— uritli  twelve  milltons  of  thoughtful  people  in  a  pucker— will  tbe  Swh 
of  Ofia  be  taken  to  Madrid  f  la  modem  heresy  too  strong  for  the  irood 
old,  Spanish  faith  ?  Seeing,  liowever,  it  is  a  matter  of  purest  piety, 
it  may — on  second  thoughts— be  safely  left  to  grandmother  Crbibtina. 

We  trust  that  the  pb^-aicians  may  not  have  returned  to  Madrid  wiih 
their  lacteal  treasures  discovered  at  Santander.  ere  thi%  sheet  shall  have 
flown  across  tbe  Pyrenees  fluttering  down  into  the  hand  of  Isabklla. 
Poor  thing !  How  many  an  English  housemaid,  at  eight  pounds  a  year. 
wiih  tea  and  sugar,  and  privilege  to  see  her  cousin  the  carpenicrt  on 
Sundavs— how  many  such  a  damsel  Itas  boen  happier  tban  the  court- 
laced  Queen  of  Spain!  However,  common  fame  is  for  the  ten  thou- 
sandth time  to  be  rebuked,  and  biding  her  trumpet,  with  finger  in  ber 
mouth,  must  skulk  away;  for  Qukkn  Isabkllk,  for  all  his  trumpeting 
—sounds  that  told  a  flatteriog  tale  lo  Luuis-Philifpe— wilt  really  be 
a  mother-  Physicians  arc  actually  despatched  for  wet-nurses  from  tho 
mountainous  districts  of  Sanlander.  Whereupon,  we  offer  some 
advice  j  hoping  it:  may  reach  Madrid,  time  eDOOgb  for  ihe  counsel  to  be 
ripeaea  into  reali'y. 

W'e  herciipon  pronose  that  the  two  wet-nurses  should  enter  Madrid 
in  state.  We  would  have  them  seated  in  a  carriage  ktuck  about  with 
all  fitting  devices,  drawn  by  four  milk-white  mules.  Tbey  should  be 
met — say  some  three  miles  from  Madrid — by  tbe  King  Oonsor',  the 
Ministry,  t.be  Members  of  the  Chambrs,  tjDget  her  with  just  a  sprinkling 
of  people  ecclesiastical.  The  carriage  should  be  followed  by  two  or 
three  hundred  of  Ihe  finest  of  the  mountaineers  of  Santander.  At  a 
cert^n  point  the  King  Consort  should  address  the  two  uuraei.  In 
grave  Casiilian  spcrch  be  may  observe  bow  happv  he  is  to  see  them. 
Flavouring  bis  words  wiUi  a  pinch  of  the  classical,  he  may  h peak  of  tbe 
kings  suckled  by  bears  and  wolves— (omilting  tbe  unquestionable  Rpr.») 
— promising  for  his  child  a  happier  destiny,  a  more  truthful  course, 
fostered  by  such  nurses— seeing  they  are  from  llio  healthiest,  and 
strongest  of  the  people  ! 

Truly,  a  pleasant  and  profitable  myth  ntight  be  evolved  from  the 
homely  fact,  that  the  b*be  of  the  pigmy  Bourbon — the  inrant  of  a 
dwarfed  and  miserable  line  should  have  the  luck  to  be  nursed  upon 
Milk  from  the  Mountains.  ^  Littlb  BtKD. 


THE  CHELSEA  SQUADRON  OF  EVOLUTION. 

Previous  to  the  commenoemeut  of  tbe  Penny  Steam-Boat  Season  it 
is  customary  to  turn  out  the  craft  for  tbe  purpose  of  evolution  on  the 
Thames,  and  the  following  are  sonic  of  tbe  resuUe.  according  to  the  log 
of  a  well-known  chip  of-au-old  block,  who  has  been  a  stoker  all  his  life, 
having  been  bnm  at  Stoke  Pogis  ana  educated  at  8:oke  Newington: — 

April  tka  1*/.— On  board  tbe  Daffodil,  Signalled  the  Pol^aniAtu  in 
three-fathom  mud  and  one-fathom  water. 

9  a.  m. — Kan  three  yards  to  tho  leeward  ;  fowled  a  swan  ;  got  out 
the  larboard  boalbook  ;  caught  a  crab;  fractured  a  waterman's  scull, 
and  missed  stays— a  pair  huugoui.  to  dry  but  blown  overboard. 

^pMi^  a.  m,—T\\e  L/i^odil  te\)ing  otx  her  jib  began  jibbing,  «bea 
the  FofyanthMj.  being  a  cable's  length  from  her  spanker,  got  the  cable 
into  a  knot,  which  took  thirty  minutes  lo  undo,  and  limited  her  to  the 
rate  of  i  wo  knots  an  hour. 

i  io  10. — The  Polyanikm  got  a-ground  on  a  tenpenny  nail,  having 
gone  on  a  wrong  tack,  which  oroughi  her  up  sharp;  and  the  iJaffodU 
won  cleverly  by  a  fljure-hcad.  and  a  bundle  of  herrings  dangling  at  tbe 
bowsprit.  

The  Last  of  the  Gibbet^Fosta. 

The  papers  tell  us  that— 

"Tli«  lutoftlui  Llocwln^blra  icibhot-pMts  wa«  blown  dovn  by  tho  lata  pUe.  It 
vu  Uut  on  whieli,  fortr  yean  ngo,  Uio  noUrriwu  malefaaor,  Tom  Ottib,  «u  hung 
La  aluUni  frr  Urn  nianl«r,  oear  Uw  aput.  vf  a  yottof  wooua  Uitt  ho  oiuriod  In  tha 
morning  Mid  klllod  hvton  Dl|;ht " 

There  is  a  ai^iScant.  an  instructive  omen  in  this  doing  of  the  lato 
gale.  Tbe  hurricane  that:  sweeps  away  tbe  Lincolnshire  gibbet-post  ls 
only  propiietic  of  the  public  opinion  tba%  increasing  in  its  might.  shaU 
surely  blow  down  every  gallows  in  the  kingdom. 


UNpa&ALLiLED  MtJNWiCENCE.—Thougb  the  Gardens  were  closed, 
the  Bears  at  the  Zoological  wtre  entertained,  by  order  of  the  Diroolota, 
with  a  liberal  supply  of  bot-cross  buns  on  Good  Friday.  ^ 


I:^ 


i 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


NOOKS    AND    CORNERS    OF    CHARACTER. 


P 


illCllAllDSON'S  GHOST. 

Tax  British  Drama  nods — Sharspbare  ^es  to  sleep  nov  and  then  to  wake  op  idl  tbe 
utronerr — actors  die, — even  IIich.vrdson  btmself  is  ttaUiered  to  hU  forefalbers, — but 
lliCHAnnsoN's  OAat  is  always  alive.     Like  the  kin^,  "  The  GAosl  never  dies." 

We  hope  lie  Dever  will — for  llie  OAosi  is  a  very  ROod  ffllow.  He  is  always  to  be  found  on 
the  side  of  \irtiie.  When  Innocence  is  oppressed. — and  does  not  know  which  way  fo  turn 
to  ftToid  (be  bundle  of  swords  and  pouiards  that,  thick  as  quills  upoa  tbe  fretful  porcupine,  are 
pointed  at  her  breast — tlicn  the  gong  is  beard— two  bars  are  given  in  the  orcticstra,  and  Ibe 
Okotl  ti^n  on  to  her  rescue.  Instantly  each  glittering  sword  drops  to  the  ground  with  shame 
— Villany  is  abashed,  and  hides  his  bend  at  the  aide  wiup — Virtue  nishes  to  the  arms  of  her 
■paneled  lover,  and  the  Rreeu-baize  curtaiu  ackaowtedgea  tbe  ptetlioeas  uf  the  taOUau  by 
eurfssying  to  "  soft  music." 

Ahnzo,  Giupartio,  RinaUo,  owe  »  deep  debt  of  gratitude  to  the  Gkott,  Tluok  of  tbe 
nnnierous  murders  their  dirks  would  have  been  stained  with,  if  it.  had  not  been  for  bia  timely 
apparition. 

The  Ghottf  however,  is  most  gentle  ia  his  vengeance.    His  fsco  is  aa  pale  as  cbalk— his  lips 

e  the  colour  of  cigar-ashes — but  not  au  angry  word  Hies  from  tbeni.  He  louks  a  thousand 
unutterable  things— but  uot  to  one  of  ibem  does  be  attempt  to  eive  utterance.  He  merely 
flaps  bia  wings— opens  tbein  to  ibe  utmost,  s'retoh  of  the  table-cloth — but  his  rcvenf^e  goea 
no  fnrthcr.  After  the  wrongs  that  must  be  locked  up  in  bia  ghostly  breast,  ibis  forgiveness 
ahmost  touches  the  sublime  I 

SiiAKsrKAHK*>i  Ghoit  Bpeaks  his  indignation  in  the  most  magnificent  blank  verse;  but 
RiciiAiU)90N'3  leaves  bis  a  blank  altogether.  Shaksfeake's  complaiui  of  tbe  '*  tiref/'  in 
wbicb  be  is  being  roasted  every  day,  like  a  Spanisii  chestnut;  he  baa  n  nose  to  "  scent  the 
morning  air ; "  lie  has  eyes  to  see  the  paleness  of  the  glow-worm  :  be  bai  painful  recoUectiona 
of  "a  foul,  unnatuml,  murd«rr,"  and  walks  about  with  a  burning  desire  to  have  it  revenged. 
How  dilFerent  is  IticnAia>80N's  Ghost!  lou  do  LOt  bear  kim  complaining.  Ue  is  tomcbodj's 
ghost,  but  he  never  lelis  you  whose.    He  may  be  his  father's — or  bis  grandmother's— or  tbe 

base  traitor's,"  whose  upUfted  arm  and  gxiilty  career  be  liaa  suddenly  arrested  ;  but  we  cannot 
tell:  hia  lips  are  as  secret  as  the  grave  he  has  that  moment  come  fromi  and  all  we  know  about 
him  is  that  be  is  KiCBAKDSoy's  Ghost,  He  is  evidently  tbe  victim  ol  some  frarful  crime,  but 
he  urges  no  one  to  blood,  in  order  to  avenge  it.  In  fact,  so  meekly  docs  he  endure  bis  wrongs, 
that  we  are  inclined  to  think  at  times  tiiat,  be  must  be  the  ghost  of  a  murdered  deaf-aTid-dumb 
miQ — or  of  some  qu&ker,  whose  unhappy  fame  haa  escaped  the  pen  of  the  Newgate  Calendar 
historian. 

But  these  are  royatcriea  which  hang,  like  a  shroud,  round  the  portly  frame  of  the  Ghos(,  and 
which  we  can  no  more  tear  aside  than  lift  up  the  veil  whether  he  is — 

"  Doomnl  for  a  mrtala  time  to  valk  tlio  nlffbl ;'' 

though  this  can  be  no  great  hardship,  as  he  never  appears  on  the  platform,  and  his  walks  have 
generally  terminated  before  midnight.  In  this  mighty  particular,  does  UrciiAUnsoN's  Ghott 
hold  the  advantage  over  the  Sbakspearean  and  all  other  Uhosts  in  the  world  put  tofietber — for, 
where.is  Ihey  only  come  out  as  the  clock  strikes  twelve,  he  is  iu  bed  at  ttiat  disreputable  hour, 
or  else  sitting  behind  the  scenes,  enjoying  his  baked  shoulder  of  mutton. 


There  is  another  peculiarity  about.  Richardson's  Oho$i  which  makes  him  bold  hia  bead 
ftbove  every  other  kind  of  Giiost  in  his  profession— iu  fact,  so  high  does  he  hold  his  head  occa- 
sionally, that  it  not  unfrcqucn'Jy  goes  out  of  sight  altogctiier.    A  Ghost  is  naturally  tall— a 


small  Ghost  of  tbe  aise  of  a  ofaarity  boy  would 
make  do  impression  whatever.  The  audience, 
instead  of  beLng  awed,  would  only  laugh,  and  cry 
"  Bray-vo."  The  result  of  the  Qkotfi  height  is, 
that  the  expression  of  his  fine  face  is  repeatedlr 
lost,  a)  it  is  hidden  behind  the  "  sky-borders"  of 
the  theatre,  and,  if  the  CIvwh,  with  his  bismuth 
cheekp,  were  to  come  on  as  the  Ohotty  the  au- 
dience would  not  be  a  whit  the  wiser  for  it. 

This  parlial  concealment,  however,  may  help 
the  imagination.  A  Ghost  caunol  be  too  mys- 
terious. Tbe  effect  of  his  sudden  apparition  would 
be  completely  lost  if  he  were  to  parade  outside 
the  Show  with  the  other  characters,  and  join  in 
the  dances  with  UarhquiH  and  Coinmiiine.  There 
is  poetry  eometimes  m  a  mask,  and  grirf  1ooIe« 
all  the  better  for  a  veiL  Besides,  it  is  oulv  natural 
that  a  Ghost  should  bare  a  cloud  upon  his  coun- 
tenance ! 

The  Ghost  is  most  honest  in  his  means  of  in- 
spiring terror.  No  shriek  behind  aunounces  his 
arrival.  No  "sulphurous  flames "  in  tbe  light  of 
blue  tire,  torment  the  eyes  and  the  nostrils  of  his 
awe-stricken  beholders.  Everj-tbing  with  him  is 
fair  and  above-board.  No  aclor  is  freer  from  clap- 
trap. In  fact,  he  does  not  even  come  up  like  most 
Ghosts,  through  a  trap— for  the  stage  is  not  deep 
rnoueh  to  allow  of  such  a  ghostly  contrivance— 
but  he  quietly  slides  on  from  the  side — strikes 
the  attitude  of  a  flying  bat — and  stands  then  so- 
lemnly^ like  an  astronomer,  with  his  liead  sweeping 
tbe  skies.  He  trusts  implicitly  to  his  sheet — 
which  may  be  called  his  theet-ancbor. 

Many  an  actor  might  take  an  improving  lesson 
from  RicnAiiDSON's  Qhost.  Did  lie  ever  keep 
the  stage  wailmg?  No!  he  knows  it  would  be 
all  up  with  the  Gbos^,  if  he  did.  Did  he  ever  throw 
up  his  "  part?  "  Was  he  ever  "  suddenly  indis- 
posed P "  Was  he  ever  the  cause  of  '*  damning  " 
a  piece  P  On  the  contrary,  is  it  not  well  known, 
that  when  the  Itisscs  bare  been  CJwryiug  every- 
thing before  ihem,  he  has  rushed  on,  and,  by 
simply  waving  his  sleeves  in  their  faces,  has 
inslan'ly  pnt  to  flight  all  the  geese  ?  He  is  the 
Author's  Best.  Friend  and  ^  dare  say,  many  a 
manager  of  a  larce  theufre  regrets  he  had  not 
always  kept,  like  UicnAUDsoK,  a  Ghost,  for  simi- 
lar hias-tnouio  purpces. 

Then  for  work!  He  is  on  the  s'age  every 
quarter  of  an  hour— alwava  perfect  to  a  letter, 
which,  in  his  case,  must  be  the  letter  T,  for  he 
has  no  sooner  struck  that  elegant  attitude,  which 
for  ages  has  stood  for  sign-posts  and  theatrical 
malediction,  than  cries  of  "Applcf,  oranges, 
ginger-beer,"  proclaim  the  painful  fact  that  the 
tragedy  is  over,  and  the  comic  song  is  about  to 
commence.  We  are  afraid  there  is  no  rest  but 
the  grave"  for  RicHAnnsoN's  Qkost—vnA  it  is 
debateahie  ground,  whether  even  that  will  yield 
him  any. 

What  the  Gkost  mnv  be  in  private  life,  we  have 
,.„  -s  of  telling.  We  went  down  to  Greenwich, 
ifter  the  fair,  and  a  m-vi  in  the  Park  was 
i^  _  _  uut  to  us  as  Ricuaudson's  Ghost.  He 
was  surrounded  by  two  or  three  children,  and 
ea'iivg  his  dinner  under  n  tree,  off  a  cloth  which 
lookp4  very  much  like  a  large  sheet.  He  was 
broad-shouldered,  stout,  and  tall,  and  was  eating 
very  heartily  for  a  Ghost. 

A  lath  of  a  man  iu  a  chemist's  shop  was  like- 
wise pointed  out  to  us  as  the  object  ol  our  affec- 
tions. He  had  a  tremendom  bundle  in  a  napkin 
in  his  hand,  and  was  buying  a  box  of  "  Life  Pills." 
We  could  not,  help  exclaiming :  "  Alas !  poor 
Ghost ; "  and  the  man  turned  round  and  scowled 
with  savage  paleness  nl  us.  We  suspect  he  is 
the  real  Ghost.  We  lelt  Greenwich  by  the  very 
next  tr<an ! 


"  HOW  TI«N  !  ANT  OKE  FOR  COajKTH  ?  " 
lUiLWAYs  have    invaded   Greece.      Tbe  old 
proverb  is  broken  to  pieces.— "A'wi  lictt  omnitu 
adu-f  UnntAun,"  for  there  isaCorinlh  omnibus 
that  starts  directly  the  train  comes  in. 


n 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


THE    PROSE  R. 

JE88ATB  AMD  DISC0DB6EB  BV  DK.  BOLOMON  PACIFICO. 


I.  ON  A  LADY  IN  AN  OPERA-BOX. 

oiNO  the  otber  Bi^ht 
to  the  ConiCn^Btoirc 
at  Fan's,  where  there 
ms  a  ina{?Dificent  aa- 
Bembloge  of  rank  and 
fiisbion    gatlicred    to- 

f [ether  to  hear  Die  de- 
[ffiilful  perfomiances 
of  Madame  Sontag. 
I  ho  friend  who  cou- 
ferred  upon  me  the 
polite  favour  of  & 
ticket  lo  the  atalle,  also 
pointed  out  to  me  mho 
were  the  most  remark- 
able peraonaffea  round 
about  U8.  lucre  were 
ambassadors.  politi- 
cians, and  ffentlemeu, 
military  and  literary; 
there  were  beauties. 
French,  Itusiian,  and 
English :  there  wore 
old  ladies  who  had 
been  beauties  once, 
and  who,  by  the  help 
of  a  little  distance  and 
Dolitenesa  (and  if  you 
didn't  use  your  opera-gia-"*,  wh'ch  is  a  cruel  detector  of  paint  and  wrinkles),  looked  younff  and 
handsome  still:  and  a  p'nnly  of  old  bucks  in  the  stalls  and  boxps,  well  winged,  wfll  glored, 
and  hnlliantW  waistcoated,  very  obsequious  to  the  ladies,  and  satislied  wilU  Iheuiselves 
and  the  worM. 

"  Up  in  the  second  tier  of  boxes  I  saw  a  very  stout,  jolly,  good-humoured  looking  lady, 
whose  head-dress  and  ringleta  and  general  appurtenances  were  nnmistakeably  English— ana 
whom,  were  you  to  meet  her  at  Timbuctoo,  or  iu  the  seraglio  of  the  Grand  Sultan  amoDgst  a 
bevy  of  beauties  collected  from  all  Ihc  countries  of  the  earth,  one  would  instantly  know  to  be 
a  British  female.  I  do  uot  menu  to  Fay,  that,  were  I  the  Padishah,  L  would  selrct  that  moon- 
faced houri  out  of  all  the  lovely  society,  and  make  her  the  Empress  or  Grand  Signora  of  my 
dominions ;  but  simply  that  there  U  a  characier  about  our  countrywomen  which  Teads  one  to 
know,  recognise,  and  admire,  and  wonder  at  lUtm  among  all  women  of  all  tongues  and  countries. 
We  Imve  our  British  Lion  ;  we  have  our  Bbitannia  ruling  the  waves;  we  have  our  British 
fenwilo.— iho  most  respectable,  the  mo^t  reinarkahlr,  of  the  women  of  this  world.  And  now  we 
Imvo  come  to  the  woman  who  gives  the  Bubjecl,  though  she  is  not  herself  the  subjcc',  of  these 
present  remarks. 

*'  As  i  ioukt'd  ut  her  wit.b  that  fond  cnriosity  and  silent  pleasure  and  wonder  which  she  (1 
mean  the  great  British  Female)  always  inspires  in  my  mind,  watching  her  smiles,  her  ways  and 
motions,  her  alluremeuts  and  attractive  gestures — her  head  bobbing  to  this  friend  whom 
she  recognised  iu  the  stalls— her  jolly  fan  hand  wag?ins  a  welcome  to  that  ficquaiatance 
in  a  neighbouring  box— my  friend  and  guide  for  the  evening  cauKht  her  eye.  and  made 
her  a  respectful  bow.  and  said  to  mc  with  a  look  of  much  meaning,  *Thut  is  Mas. 
Trottei^Walkeb-'  And  from  that  minute  1  forgot  MaDaME  Bontao,  and  thought  only 
ofMaa.T.-W. 

'"So  tlia*,'  said  I,  'is  Mits.  TROTrEiiWALKEn!  You  have  touched  a  chord  in  my  heart, 
You  have  brought  back  old  limes  lo  my  memory,  and  made  me  recal  some  of  the  griefs  and 
di«ap|)'>iTilnirnts  of  my  early  dayn.* 

"'Hold  your  tongue,  man  !' says  Tost,  my  friend,  'Litten  ♦«  the  Somtao  ;  how  divinely  she 
is  singing!  how  freah  her  voice  is  still  I' 

"  I  Ijoked  up  at  Mrs.  Walkkk  all  the  tirue  with  unabated  interest.  *  Madam/  thought  T, 
'you  look  to  be  as  kind  and  good-nalured  a  person  as  cyca  ever  lighted  upon.  The  way  in 
which  you  are  smiling  to  th'it  young  dandy  with  the  double  eye-glass,  and  the  rmftrfssemtrnt 
wiih  which  he  returns  the  salute,  shows  that  your  friends  are  persons  of  rank  and  elegance, 
and  that  you  are  esteemed  by  them — giving  them,  as  I  am  sure  from  your  kind  appearance 
you  do,  good  dinners  and  pleasAnt  balls.  But  1  wonder  what  you  woultl  think  il  you  tucw  that 
1  was  looking  at  you?  I  behold  you  for  the  first  lime:  there  are  a  hundred  pretty  young 
girU  in  the  house,  whom  an  amateur  of  mere  beauty  would  examine  with  much  greater 
aatisfao'ion  than  he  would  nattirally  bestow  upon  a  Udy  whose  prime  is  past ;  and  yet  the  siglit 
of  you  interests  me,  and  tickles  me  so  to  speak,  anti  my  eye-glass  can't  remove  itself  from 
the  contemplation  of  your  honest  face.' 

"  What,  19  it  ihat  interests  me  so?  What  do  you  tuppose  interests  a  man  the  most  in  this 
life?  Himself,  to  be  sure.  It  is  at  himself  he  is  looking  through  his  opera-glass— himself 
who  is  concerned,  or  he  would  not  be  walcliiug  you  so  keenly.  Aiid  now  let  me  confess  why 
it  is  that  the  lady  in  the  upper  box  excites  me  ao^  and  why  I  say,  *That  is  Mrs.  Tbottbh- 
Walker,  is  it  ? '  with  an  air  of  such  deep  intereat. 

"Well,  then.  In  theycareighteenhundredandthirtyodd.it  happened  that  I  wentio  pa«  the 
winter  at  Rome,  as  we  will  coil  the  ci'y.  MAJOR-GKNEaii.  and  Mas.  TROTTtiu-WAXKEa 
were  also  there;  and  until  I  heard  of  them  there,  I  lud  never  heard  that  there  were  such 
people  in  existence  as  the  tVaeral  and  the  lady — the  lady  yonder  with  the  large  fan  in  the 
upper  boxes.  Urs.  Walkbb,  as  became  her  station  in  life,  took,  I  dare  say,  very  comfortable 
'odglags,  gave  dinners  and  parties  to  her  friends,  and  hod  a  night  in  the  week  for  receptions. 
"  Much  OS  I  have  travelled  and  lived  abroad,  theso  eremng  reuniotu  have  never  greatly 


fuoinated  me.  Blan  cannot  live  npon  lemonade, 
wax  candles,  and  weak  tea.  Gloves  and  white 
neckcloths  cost  money,  and  those  plaguy  shiny 
boots  are  always  so  tight  and  hot.  Am  I  mads 
of  mone^,  that  I  can  hire  a  coach  to  go  to  one  of 
these  mr4«M  on  a  rainy  Roman  night ;  or  can  I 
come  in  goloshea,  ana  take  tliem  off  in  the  ante- 
chamber P  1  am  too  poor  for  c«bs,  and  too  vain 
for  goloshes.  If  it  bad  been  to  see  the  girl  of 
my  heart  il  luran  at  the  time  when  there  wrni 
((iris,  and  I  bad  a  heart),  1  couldn't  have  gone 
in  golotbes.  Well,  not  being  m  love,  and  not 
liking  weak  tea  and  lemonaoo,  1  did  not  go  to 
evening  parties  that  rear  at  Koote;  nor,  of  later 
years,  at  Paris,  Vienna,  Copenhagen,  Islington, 
or  wherever  I  may  have  been. 

"  What,  then,  were  my  fecliufis  when  my  dear 
and  valued  friend,  Mrs.  Coverladb  (she  is  a 
daughter  of  that  venerable  peer,  the  Right 
Honourable  the  Loio)  CouANDiNb),  who  was 
passing  the  winter  too  at  Romp,  said  to  me,  *  My 
dear  Dr.  pAcirico,  wha^  have  you  done  to 
offend  Mrs.  Tbotter-Walkir  ? ' 

*'*I  know  no  person  of  that  name,'  I  said. 
'  I  knew  Waijler  of  the  Post  OSioe,  and  poor 
Trotter  who  was  a  captain  in  our  regimrnt, 
and  died  under  my  hands  at  the  Baliamaa.  But 
with  the  Trotter  WAiKERa  1  haven't  the 
honour  of  an  acquainlance.' 

*' '  Well,  it  is  not  likely  that  you  will  have  that 
honour,'  Mhs.  CovERtAi>E  said.  'Mji5,  Walker 
said  la^t  night  that  ^he  did  not  wish  to  niake 
your  acquaintance,  and  that  she  did  not  intend  to 
receive  you.' 

" '  I  think  she  might  have  waifed  until  I  asked 
her,  Madam,'  X  5aid.  *AVhat  have  1  done  lo 
her  ?  I  have  never  seen  or  heard  of  her :  how 
should  I  want  to  get  into  her  house?  or  attend 
at  her  Tucsda) s— confound  her  Tuesdays!'  I 
am  sorry  Lo  say  1  said.  Confound  Msa.  Walker's 
Tuesdays,  and  the  conver?a'iou  look  another 
turn,  and  it  so  happened  that.  1  was  colled  nway 
from  Rome  suddenly,  and  never  set  eyes  upon 
]ilRS.  Walker,  or  indeed  thought  about  licr 
from  that  day  to  this. 

"  Strange  endurance  of  human  vanity !  a  million 
of  much  more  important  conversations  have 
escaped  one  since  then,  riiost  likely — but  the 
mcu)ory  of  this  little  mortification  (for  such  it 
is,  after  all)  remains  quite  fresh  m  the  niiml,  and 
unforgotten,  thouE{b  it  is  a  frillc,  and  mnrcttion 
half  a  score  of  years  old.  We  forgive  injuries, 
we  survive  even  our  remorse  for  great  wrongs 
that  we  ourselves  commit;  but  1  doubt  if  we 
ever  forgive  slights  of  this  nature  put  upon  na, 
or  forget  circunistanoes  in  which  our  aelMove 
had  been  luado  to  sufTer. 

"  Ulhcrwisc,  why  should  the  reinembranoe  of 
Mhs.  Tkottkr- Walker  have  remained  so  lively 
in  tbis  hosODi?  Why  should  her  appearance 
have  excited  such  a  keen  interest  in  these  eyeaP 
llad  Venus  or  Hllen  (ihe  tavoiirite  beauty  of 
Paris)  been  at  the  side  of  Mrs.  T.-W.,  I  should 
have  looked  at  the  latter  more  than  at  the  Queen 
of  Love  herself.  Had  Mrs  Walkeh  murdered 
Mrs.  Pacifico,  or  inflicted  some  mortal  injury 
uron  me.  1  might  forgive  her— but  for  slightP 
Never,  Mrs.  Trotter- Walker  ;  never,  bjr 
Nemjisib,  never! 

"  And  now,  having  allowed  my  p^^soDal  wrath 
to  explode,  let  us  calmly  nioralise  for  a  minute 
or  two  upon  this  liiLle  circumstance;  for  there 
is  no  circumstanc?,  however  little,  that  won't 
alTurd  a  text  for  a  sermon.  Why  was  it  that 
Mrs.  Gevt.ral  Trotter- Walker  refused  to 
receive  Da.  S.  Pacifico  at  her  parties?  She 
had  noticed  me  proba^jly  somewhore  where  I  had 
not  remarked  her ;  she  did  not  like  my  aquiline 
countenance,  my  manner  of  taking  snuff,  my 
Blucher  boots,  or  what  not ;  or  she  had  seen  me 
walking  with  my  friend  Jack  Raggett,  the 
painter,  on  the  Pincio — a  fellow  wirh  a  hat  and 
beard  like  a  bandit,  a  shabbv  palttol,  and  % 
great  pipe  between  his  teeth.  I  was  not  genteel 
euougu  for  her  circle— 1  assanie  that  to  be  the 


4 


IMI 


ifarfM 


i 


152 


PUNCH, 


reason ;  indeed,  Miu.  Cotbii].a7>k,  with  &  good-nAtured  Binilfl  %t  my 
oomL  woicb  1  owu  wu  somewb&t  ahKbby.  gare  me  to  underataod  as 
mupn. 

"You  Utile  know,  ni^  worthy  iind  lady,  what  a  lois  you  bod  thai 
season  at  Home,  in  turning  up  your  amiable  nose  at  tbe  present  writer. 
I  could  have  Ki^rn  you  uppruptiula  anecdotes  (with  wuicb  niy  mind 
is  stored)  of  nil  the  couria  of  Europe,  (besides  of  Africa,  Asia,  and  Sf. 
Uomin(;o)  wbioli  1  lure  visited.  1  could  bare  made  tbe  General  die  of 
Uueiiinff  after  dinner  with  some  of  my  funny  stories,  of  which  I  keep  a 
book,  without  which  I  never  travel.  I  am  content  with  my  dinner:  I 
can  carve  beautifully^  and  make  jokes  upon  almost  any  dish  at  table. 
I  oan  talk  about  wine,  cookery,  hotels  all  over  tbe  continent: — any- 
thing you  will.  I  have  been  fAmilior  with  Cardinals,  lied  Republicans, 
Jesuits.  German  Friuces,  and  Carbonari ;  and  what  is  more,  I  can  listen 
and  bold  my  tongue  to  admiration.  A.h,  Madam !  wba*.  did  you  lose 
in  refiiaiug  to  make  the  acquaintance  of  Solomon  PACirico,  M.  D. ! 

"And  why?  because  my  coat  was  a  trifle  threadbare}  because  1 
dined  at  tbe  Lepre,  witb  Raggett  and  some  of  thoie  otber  bandits  of 
painters,  and  bad  not  tbe  money  to  iiirc  a  coach  and  horses. 

*' Gentility  is  tbe  death  and  destruction  of  soc'uki  happiness  amongst 
t)ie  middle  cbuses  in  England.  It  destroys  naturalness  (if  I  may  coin 
tnch  a  word)  and  kindly  sympathies.  The  object  of  life,  as  I  take  it,  is 
to  be  friendly  witb  everybody.  As  a  rule,  and  to  a  pbilosopbical  cos- 
mopolife,  every  man  ought  to  be  welcome.  I  do  not  mean  to  your 
intimacy  or  affeclioD,  but  to  your  society;  as  there  is,  if  we  would 
or  c  uld  but  discover  it,  something  notable,  sometliiug  worthy  of 
observa'ion,  of  sympathy*  of  wonder  and  amusement  in  every  fellow 
morlal.  It  I  bad  b-en  Mu.  PACirico,  travelling  with  a  courier 
and  a  carriage,  would  Mm.  Waluik  have  made  any  objection  to  me  P 
I  think  not.  It  was  the  Bhicber-booU  and  the  worn  hat,  uid  the 
homely  companions  of  (ho  individual  which  were  unwelcome  to  this  lady. 
If  I  had  been  tbe  disguised  Dukk  ov  Pacipico,  and  not  a  retired 
army-surgeon,  wuuld  she  huve  forgiven  herself  for  slighting  nie  ?  What 
stores  of  uovelfi,  what  foisou  of  plays,  are  composed  upon  this  theme, — 
the  (pieer  uld  cbaracler  in  tbe  wig  and  cloak  ibnjws  off  coa*.  and  spec- 
tacles, and  appears  suddculv  with  a  star  and  crown, — a  Hajiouh 
Aluascjud,  or  other  Merry  Monarch.  And  straightway  wo  clap  our 
hand-*  Jind  applaud — what  ? — the  alar  and  garUr. 

'*  I'jut  disguised  emperors  are  not  common  now-a-days.  You  don't 
turn  away  monarclis  from  your  door,  auy  more  tlian  angels,  unawares. 
Cousi  Icr,  though,  huw  manv  a  good  lellow  }ou  may  shut  out  and  sneer 
upon !  what  an  immense  deal  of  pleasure,  frankness,  kindness,  good 
fellowship,  we  forego  for  the  sake  of  our  confounded  f^eutility.  and 
respect  lor  outward  show!  Instead  of  placing  our  society  upon  an 
honest  footing,  we  make  pur  aim  almost  avowedly  sordid.  Lotd  ia 
of  necessity  wuii^hed  from  your  society  when  you  measure  all  your 
guests  by  a  mouey-s'audard. 

"I  think  of  oil  ibia— a  harmless  man— seeing  a  good-natured  looking, 
jolly  woman  iu  the  boxes  rooder,  who  thought  herself  once  too  ftreat  a 
person  to  associ^ti!  with  the  likes  of  me.  If  I  give  myself  airs  to  my 
neighbour,  may  I  Miiuk  of  this  too,  and  bs  a  little  more  humble !  And 
you,  lioneiit  friend,  who  read  this— have  you  ever  poobpo'»bcd  a  man 
ai  good  rt3  you  ?  If  you  fall  into  tbe  society  of  people  whom  you  are 
pleased  to  call  your  inferiors,  did  you  ever  sneer?  If  so,  change  I  iuto 
U,  and  the  fable  is  narraUd  for  your  own  beucflt,  by  your  obedient 
Be^vaa^ 

"Solomon  Paciwco.'* 


•GRAND   EQUESTRIAN   F.ULUKB. 

Tub  Evperob  op  Moeocco  has  just  sent,  aa  a  present  to  Hxb 
Majestt,  nine  Arabian  horses,  which,  it  is  said,  are  such  very  poor  diminu- 
live-looking  ciTHiurrs.  tlmt  every  respfclable  dray-horse  turned  up  his 
nose  at  the  cavidcade  as  it  proceeded  to  the  Polaoe.  We  cannot  lay  much 
for  thp  brreiling  of  the  animals  that  so  mi-tbehavcd  themselves  towards 
tho  little  str^imnra,  but  it  must  be  acknowledged  that  the  real  Arabians 
are  not  to  be  comnarrd  »ilh  even  the  humblest  hack  of  British  birth 
that  ever  plunged  in  a  cab,  or  kicked  np  "behind  and  before'*  in  a 
dust-caH.  Wc  should  frar  that  Hen  Majesty  would  be  much  dii- 
appointed  at  ilie  ri  t ;  an  I  'hough  a  gift  hurse  may  not  be  looked  in  the 
mouth,  it  is  probable  that '  he  Sovereign  may  soon  wish  the  unprofitable 

Jiresent  absent.  When  Pbikce  Albert  saw  the  stud  of  Arabian 
allures,  he  must  have  mentally  beirun  to  whistle  to  himself,  "Oh,  give 
lite  Unythin^t  hut  m/  Arab  steed  ;  and  it  would  not  have  been  sur- 
prising liad  "  GAltonug  Dreary  Dun''  burst  involuntarily  from  the  lips 
of  au  attendant  stable-boy.  It  is  raid  that  the  accoutrements  were  as 
large  again  as  the  horses  themselves,  and  they  seemed  to  be  smothered 
in  saddle,  as  if  Ibey  would  not  go  without  a  grea*.  deal  of  leathering. 


TH2   XlteUSH   AND  SPAMISn, 

^  It  is  gratifying  to  think  that  we  have  renewed  our  diplomatic  rela- 
tions witb  Spam.  May  these  Spanish  bonds  never  be  (usaolved,  and 
may  all  others  be  honburiibly  liquidated ! 


Among  the  newspaper  wonders,  upon  which  the  penny-a-liners  some- 
times ameliorate  their  condition  by  obtaining  an  extra  meal,  we  hare 
lately  noticed  a  fivepenny  phonomenon — ^just  four  Hues  and  a  half  ia 
length — under  the  ttUe  of  a  black  rainbow.  This  remarkoble  triumph 
of  nature  over  tbe  ordinary  rules  of  me'eorology  has  been  seen  by  aa 
American  newspaper's  "own  correspondent,"  who  has  probably  not 
heen  paritcular  to  a  shade  in  the  view  he  has  taken  of  the  marvel  be 
has  psuragraplted.  We  suspect  the  rainbow  is  not  ao  black  as  it  baa 
been  painted,  though  we  confess  that  we  have  observed  in  our  ova 
pulitical  atmosphere  au  appearance  almost  equally  di&couraging,namrlf, 
that  of  the  rainbow  of  taxation  which  spreads  entirely  across  the  bkj 
from  one  horizon  lo  tbe  othrr.  The  affair  looks  rather  black,  but  we 
are  not  without  hope  ihat  the  prospect  will  sooa  brighten. 


HOW  TO  SHUT  A  CIlAI^TEIl  BOX- 
ScETfB. — TJie  iintide  of  a  First  Class  Railwaff  Carria^. 

Talkatice  lio-e  (io  Fet.low  Passekgek,  ffntting  out  as  ih  Troim  ito/n). 
Good  morniug  to  you,  Sir. 

FeUota  Frtsaenfftr.  Sir,  I  wish  you  a  good  day.  {Aside.)  Chattering 
fool !  Confound  the  fellow  1^1  think  he  could  talk  a  dog's  bind  leff^ 

Talkatxot  Borrt  {lurn'iHO to  OeMttemaM  iiU(Kiomihep*ni»al^**Fmtek  ) 
Wonderful  inventions  Knilroads,  Sir? 

Reader  of  Punch.  Oh!    Latard's— V«ry  I 

TuUcaiive  Bore  {raiiitg  Ait  voice).  Steam,  Sir,  I  say, — stupendoui 
power ! 

Rea^Ur  (f  Punrh.  Well;  I  don't  know.  They  say,  SiR  Robebt  Pbrl. 

Titikatios  Bore  {louder  siili).  Rapidity  of  intcrcommunicatioo.  Sir — 
destined  lo  revolutionise  Socie'v. 

Reader  of  Punch.  Ob !  shocking  doctrines.  Desperate  set.  Can't 
think  wiat  Lnuis-NApoLKON  will  do  with  them. 

Talkative  Bore.  Dear  me  !  tbe  man's  as  deaf  as  a  post.  {Oieeskim  up.) 
Very  seasonable  weather,  Ma'am. 

[Proceeds  to  injlict  kmxelfon  iOmeSodg  Mm. 

Readtr  of  Puttek  {meJiiaUp),  Come — I  think  1  've  got  rid  of  |kw,  my 
friend. 

[Returns  to  kit  "  PuHck,"  $iruQQliKg  tcith  suppressed  taugMtr^- 
oecasiomed,  of  course,  i^  a  joke  in  that  periodical. 


newspapera 


Parliamentary  Natural  Philosophy. 

Condensation    op    VAroua   lakes   place   when    the 
epiloniisc  Mr.  Disiubli's  speeches. 

£vAj^aATiON  occurs  (among  Uonourable  Members)  whenever  M&. 
CHiauntM  Amstrt  rises  to  speak. 

Ktolotiom  or  Hxat  is  invariably  occasioned  when  anybody  comet 
into  collision  with  IjOrd  BRorouAM. 


PBOULEU   POB  FEMAL  LEGISLATORS. 

Q.  WuT  do  convicts  vary  more  in  sfature  than  any  other  descriptloa 


of  persons  f 
A,  BecAuae  they  are  of  all  'aiEes. 


(Idiot !) 


i 


l^<^Ri 


11 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


153 


A  GKEAT  MOKAL  LESSON. 

Thokas  Sutton,  denominated  "au  lioneat  and  bard-TOrking  fellow  " 
until  Kdph,  ibe  murdrrer,  «aa  convicted,  becuiie  a  thief  out  of  iDteDB« 
curiosity  to  see  the  murderer  hanged.  A  great  infttuncej  this,  of  the 
beDpfit  of  example !  Sutton  stole  two  sovereigns,  snd  went  rejoicioit 
OQ  bii  way  to  Norwich  :  there  he  witmssed  the  show  ;  and  ihenci*, 
returned  10  London.  His  morbid  hunger  sated,  his  old  honesty  re 
asserted  itself,  and  remorse  ltd  hiin  (o  sell-accusation;  be  was  sutii- 
manly  punisiied.  Since  then,  the  thief 's  band  has  again  been  at  work, 
and  a  fortnight  ago  he  was  committed,  from  Lambeth  Offioe,  for  trial, 
again  ooufessing  his  crime ;  he  had  stolen  four  raws  from  a  marine 
store;  and  bai  now  every  chance  of  becoming  permanently  enrolled 
among  her  M^ety's  convioLS. 

RoOinton  Crti$o«  has  made  many  a  uilor,  wlleiofr  the  boy  from  the  fire- 
eide  to  the  sea.  The  especial  pains  taken  by  a  miserable  portion  of  the 
press  to  *'make  the  most  of  a  niurder/*  c&nuoi  hut  have  &n  influence  on 
the  dormant  ambition  of  the  criimnaj.  Art,  too.  has  its  fatal  blandish- 
ments. Macauk  TvasiUD  offers  Scoundrers  Corner,  with  an  immor- 
tality in  wax.  Every  day  she  calls  from  the  columns  of  the  newspapers 
with  a  voice  of  silver  (exactly  eightecn-pence,  "  Horrors  "  included)— 
calls  to  a  thoughtful  generation  to  consider  and  lay  well  to  benrt  the 
notoriety,  that  is  the  vulgir  stimulant  of  nuserable  natures.  1^'hat  the 
statue  ot^  Nelson  is  to  the  tailor,  the  Murderer  in  Wax  is  to  the 
unblown  scoundrel.  Did  not  Fbedeiiick.  Mannino,  whofe  nsme, 
like  morning  dew,  ever  brightens  the  morning  newspapers.  — did 
not  be,  in  tbe  fireside  confidence  with  his  student  lodger,  dally  with 
A  forbidden  pleasure,  when  be  spoke  of  KcsH»  as  tbe  prime  beauty 
of  the  Chamber  of  Horrors P 

What  beneHciaily  we  may  owe  to  tbe  imitative  bronze  of  defunct 
heroes,  it  is  hard  to  guess;  what,/w  eouira,  'o  felonious  wax,  even 
Mapake  T.  herself— (should  Joseph  Hume  move  for  a  return)— it  i* 


tio  less  difTicult  to  calculate.     Of  one  point,  however,  we  lire  nure:  the 
Home  Minister  owes  Madaue  T.'s  *  Chantbfr"  greater  attention 
ii  bestowed  even  upon  puiny  I  heal  res  by  the  Home  police. 


Iban 


CAKELESS  JOHN.  THE  STATE  CX)ACHMAN. 

On !  Pray,  my  Lord  Jouv,  take  care  bow  you  go  on, 
For  Parliament  isn't  at  play  with  you ; 

Mind  well  how  you  drive,  for,  as  you  are  alive, 
Your  horses  are  running  away  with  you. 

In  one  week  twice  bea^  you  another  defeat 

Escape  by  the  barest  mnjority, 
Because,  it  would  seem,  you  don't  govern  your  team 

Wiih  proper  control  and  authority. 

Why  Babpn'O,  alaa!  did  you  let,  \uilh  Ddndar, 
And  Bekkelet,  tbe  claims,  so  ungraciously, 

Of  the  naval  Asiist-ant-Surgeons  resist, 
Unliandsomely.  oieauly.  meudsciously  ? 

The  Crown  lawyers,  pray,  why  allow  in  the  way 
Of  tbe  County  Courts  Bill  to  stand  booUessIy  P 

For  you  were  floored  (Ut  both  in  this  case  and  th»t, 
Incurring  much  odium  quite  fruilessly. 

Why  sanction  tbe  fight  for  the  lax  upon  light, 
Where  Wood,  of  Ueal-h's  Board  contraaicforr, 

Was  morally  sinash'd,  and.  in  fact,  all  but  thrash'd. 
With  bis  petty  numerical  victory? 

Look  after  your  steeds,  for  be  spilt  you  must  needs, 
Unless  you  are  much  more  particular, 

With  Phaeton's  fate  from  the  chariot  of  s'ate 
Hurl'd  beels  over  head  perpendicular. 


Strongholds  of  Filth  and  PoatUence. 

A  Ma.  W.  8.  Hale,  the  other  day  at  the  City  Court  of  Sewers,  is 
Tcported  to  have  remarked  that — 

**  Us  tboogbt  tbe  pomn  of  Inr&dintr «  mkn'9  houM  In  swih  a  mtnner  m  to  pnTcnt 
tt  ftran  being  eoy  1onff«r  c«lli>d  his  eaflU«,  li«d  been  somewhat  Ubenlty  bestowed  apnii 
Ibe  CcraimhttioDers  of  dcwen." 

The  kind  of  caiile  of  which  Mn.  Hai.e  appears  to  be  the  champion 
might,  if  fortified,  present  an  illu<iiraliun  of  tue  saying,  "A  forty-eight 
pounder  at  the  door  of  a  pig-sty." 


DOING  TimrCS  BT   HALVES. 


Thb  town  of  Belfast  seems  to  be  going  very  fast  indeed,  for  its  popu- 
lation hfts  increased,  pince  1S31.  from  something  over  flfty  to  above  one 
hundred  thousand.  With  such  a  result  aa  this,  snowing  an  augmentation 
of  cent,  per  cent.,  we  think  the  name  of  Belfast  should,  in  referenoe  to 
its  population,  be  exchanged  for  that  of  Doublin'. 


OUR   CHIROPODIST. 

It  is  not  to  be  supposed  that  to  great  a  personaga  aa  FuntA  could  alto- 
get  her  escape  such  an  evil  as  corns,  by  which— if  we  are  to  believe  the 
c»mcutter&— all  the  personages  of  the  best  standing  in  society  are 
visited.  Stateame:%  politicians,  nobles,  lawyers,  and  divines,  are — 
according  to  Ibe  auvcrtisements — so  many  martyrs  to  tboic  homy 
excrfflCrnces,  which  rrnder  them  literally  as  wril  a«  figuratively  aniious 
fo  avoid  having  Iheir  toes  trodden  on.  Though  Punch  never  sus- 
pected himself  to  be  acorn-grower  on  an  expensive  scale,— for  ho  has 
never  known  the  shoe  to  ^iuch  him  under  any  circums^ancps,—  he  still 
imagined  that,  from  his  illustrious  position,  he  could  not  be  exempt 
from  a  malady  appsrently  so  peculiar  to  the  most  distinguiAhcd  i:idi. 
viduals.  He  therefore  sent  for  his  Chiropodist,  who  produced  an  article 
worthy  to  form  a  supplement  I0  the  last  edition  ol  EifQimt  Erlra'-tt. 
Vunrh  was  a  good  deal  surprised  at  Ibe  pnxluoe,  for,  had  lie  bern 
cultiTftling  his  oi^ni  com,  wi'n  all  the  usual  high  farming  operation*. 
ii.cludiiig  tlie  liarrowin?  proocfs  of  tight  boot?,  be  could  not  have  yielded 
a  laiger  harvettt  to  the  (.'orn-cutler. 


"OVft    CmROPODlST"   SXTKACTIKO   A    «1(0T    fBOM   Bfl.  P0^CB'a  TOOT. 


HOMCEOPAllUC  STUFFING. 

Two  distinct  Iioiri(ropathic  hospital  dinners  were  reported  last  week 
in  the  Morning  Voxt  i  f^one  day.  Unfortunately,  the  Post  omitted  to 
publish  Iheir  respective  bills  of  fare.  It  might  oe  supposed  that  at  a 
uomccopalhic  banquet  real  turtle  woidd  be  served  by  teaspoonfuls 
instead  of  tureens.  A  ringle  whitebait  would,  one  imagines,  suffice 
the  largest  company  for  fish.  Venison,  we  conceive,  would  be  brought 
to  table  by  the  small  slice,  and  carved  by  the  fibre.  Our  notion  of  a 
bomceopalhic  pudding  is  that  of  a  globule.  Chemistry  informs  us  that 
all  meat  contains  infinitesimal  ouanti'iesof  various  substances — sulphur, 
pbospiioru*,  (frc , — which  are  of  a  medicinal  nature.  The  red  panicles 
in  itravy  include  so  many  honcsopathic  doses  of  iron.  What  a  deal  of 
medicine,  then,  must  be  taken  at  every  meal,  and  how  qualmish  we  all 
ought  to  feel  after  it,  if  there  is  ftuy  virtue  in  bonoeopathic  doses! 
Perhaps  we  (In,  and  don't  know  it.  Perhaps  Loau  R.  GKO^VEKOl^  at 
one  of  the  aViove- mentioned  banquet  5.  and  tbe  Eajil  or  Essex  at  the  ot  her. 
and  the  various  lords  and  gentlemen  over  whom  they  presided,  regaled 
themselves  on  ntilliouths  of  moutlifuls,  and  drank  toasts  in  hillionths  of 
drops.  One  thing,  however,  they  did  not  do.  They  did  not  subscribe 
infinitesiuiallv.  The  total  amount  of  subscriptions  announced  at  one 
dinner  was  £1 000 ;  at  the  other  £800.  This  liberality  is  doubtless  very 
creditable  to  the  hearts  of  i^a  authors,  but  can  hardly  be  said  to  do  equal 
honour  to  their  superior  Bto^ie^  in  which,  if  they  were  not  occupied  by 
delusions,  it  is  prooable  that  there  would  be  lodgings  to  let.  The  best 
ihat  can  be  said  of  these  votariet— or  victinris — of  honiceopathy,  is  that 
they  have  shown  great  alacrity  ia  pariing  with  their  money. 


Cabinbt  Work  avd  Wages.— W«  anticipate  that  one  re«>mmeu- 
dation  made  by  the  Committee  on  Public  Salaries  will  be,  that  Ministers 
should  in  fu'ure  be  paid,  not  quarterly,  but  by  the  piece,  or  at  so  much 
per  measure,  of  legislation.  Colonel  Sibthoup  will  probably  luggesl 
that  the  W  bigs  would  be  well  off  if  the  were  paid  by  *  he  job. 


I 


OUR  "USED  UP"   MAN  HAS  A  FEW   "USED  UP"  FRIKNDS  TO  BREAKFAST;  AH-ER  WHICH  THEY  DERIVE 
A  LIT'lliE  REAL  ENJOYMENT  FROM  A  DRAMATIC  ENTERTAINMENT. 


I 


NAVAL  INTELLIGENCE. 

(From  Punek't  own  OorrttfCttJfnL) 

Ou£  read-r^,  flmd  the  service  ^euenJIy,  nUl  l«am  with  much  reg:rel 
that  &  very  proniisiiijf  young  officer,  C— l— s  N— i'— b,  hiiS  undergone 
tlieoenture  of  bis  captain,  L — u  J — N  K — U-,  of  iht  VovHtMp,  Wxrte- 
dtctcr,  »nd  commaaaer  of  the  Channel  Fleet.  The  young  gentleman 
was  very  rouglily  questioned  in  llic  qiiarter-deck. 

L—ti  J~n,  "  So,  Sir,  you  Ve  been  writing  to  the  Tinted?  '* 

C-l—s  A'-p-r.  *'  Ye*,  my  Lord." 

L—4  J—n  "  Yoit  complain  of  Hta  Majustt's  beef— of  Hkb  Ma- 
JEfcTT'a  biiouit— of  Ukr  Majusty's  pea-soup,  and— I  undersiand— fur  1 
iiavc  not  read  th'eso  ureciuua  letters,  that  you  complain  of  rbe  Com- 
Diuniler  of  theCbannelFleet— in  a  word,  youoooiplaiu  of  meF  Is  this 
discipline,  Sir?— 1  ask  i^  in  this  discipline  P" 

C—i—i  ^'—p—r.  "  My  Lord,  it  is  in  bis'ory  ihat  Auhiiu^l  Blakb 
wr*ite  to  the  Times,  denouncing  the  pork  of  the  Conimonwenllh— that 
Dkakh  cnrreaponded  with  the  same  journal^  on  the  weevil  in  Qukek 
Eiir-AKFTn'R  biBcuil — and  that  the  immortal  Neuwn  himself,  in  a  letter 
to  the  TimfK  on  ihe  pea-¥Oup  of  Geokge  the  Tiiiild"  — 

l—d  J—H.  "Don't  talk  to  me.  Sir:  you're  a  smart  young  fellow 
enough,  and  I  reooUeot  your  srrvicea,  when,  in  the  jolly-boat,  you  cut 
out  tbe  Pilau^  Egxptian  OS ;  nevertb<-le8s,  discipline  must  be  respecled, 
Yflu  will  go  to  the  mast  head,  Sir;  and  take  with  you  the  TVWiand  the 
Supphmeni ;  gcttiug  by  heart  all  the  '  Want  riaces'  <as  jou'il  want  for 
a  long  linir,  I  can  tell  you),  before  you  come  down  again.  Up  with 
jou.  Sir." 

C  i  i  N—p — r  [climbs  ike  wain  shroudt,  with  "  Titnes*'  and  **  Sup- 
plement** finder  hit  arm).  "  Boatswain,  pipe  all  haoda  to  *boat  ship,  aud 
ahake  a  reel  out  of  the  best  bower.'* 

BotiUtcAin.  "  Aye,  aye.  Sir." 

[£ri^  Commamder  </  Channel  Fleet  into  cabin. 


EXTRAORDINARY  RUNNING  MATCH. 

It  is  not  often  that  our  old  friend,  Ma.  Dumdp,  enters  the  sporting 
worlds  but  he  wtLS  a  few  days  ago  one  of  the  principals  inamatcti  of  a 
vrry  <'xciting  rharncVr.  The  conleat  was  between  Mit.  DtiNur  and 
Hauncy  Aauun,  an  otUcer  attacbed  to  the  department  of  the  sberiiTof 
Middlesex. 

The  whole  alTttir  was  got  up  almost  impromptu,  and  consisted  of  a 
running-match  from  the  corner  of  Chancery  Tjine  to  the  other  side  of 
the  river  Thames,  the  bridge  selected  beins  otj'ional.  Bahnbt  Aabon 
made  his  appearance  suddenly,  which  Mn.  IJunup  look  as  the  signal 
for  sterling,  as  there  hnd  fdready  been  a  ma'cli  of  a  similar  kind 
between  the  parties,  in  which  the  latter  had  come  ofF  vicLorious;  and 
he  knew  the  former  was  desirous  of  trying  another  experiment. 
Babket  carried  weight,  consisting  of  n  stick  and  a  small  slip  of  parch- 
ment; hut;  DuMUT  was  burdened  with  nothing  but  an  empty  purse; 
and  ic  Jtad  bei-n  whisncred  in  many  guartrrs  that  he  would  be  found  to 
want  mrtal.  Hn  had  no  sooner  caught,  sight  of  his  aniagouisi,  than  he 
cut  off  at  a  rapid  rate,  Barket  following  closely  at  his  lieels,  as  far  as 
the  comer  of  Essex  Strcc',  when  Uunnp  sceniea  about  to  give  in,  for 
he  turned  sharp  round  (in  coostnuenoe,  as  we  have  been  since  iuformed, 
of  the  want  of  metal  to  go  over  Waterloo  Bridge),  where  Ihe  halfpeiinf 
toll  would  have  brought,  him  to  a  staDd-stilt.  His  opponent  Deing 
evidently  taken  aback  by  this  sndden  move,  Dunup  atHried  off  again 
at  a  tcrri6c  ral^,  and  making  nil  the  running  through  the  iatricate 
turnings  of  WhitcfriarB,  he  went  away  at  a  slapping  pace,  past  the 
glass-works,  took  a  diversion  through  a  broker's  sligp,  by  whicli  he  cut 
off  a  comer,  and  having  gaiuefl  several  yards  on  bis  opponent,  won 
cleverly  by  the  length  of  a  writ,  which,  though  it  was  made  to  run 
pretty  fut  into  Middlesex,  could  not  run  into  Surrey. 


AaisTOCRATic  EcoKOUT.— We  understand  that  several  noble  fami- 
lies, finding  their  incouies  reduced,  have  curtailed  the  number  of  pair* 
of  breeohea  usually  iauued  to  their  flunkeys,  and  thus  calculate  on 
saving  by  the  end  of  the  year  a  conaiderable  over-plash. 


4 

I 

I 


i 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


157 


I 
I 
I 


I 


ADMIBALTY  v.  ASSIST ANT-SURGEONS. 

tb  COLOITEL  StBTHOBP. 

KAB  CoLOKEts— Lit  me 
oonsratulHle  ^ou  od 
your  recent  displa/  of 
iDdiscretion.  I  use  (be 
term  merely  in  a  Minia- 
terjal  lenae.  "  ladu- 
cretion,"  according  to 
the  Cabiuet  dictiooary, 
is  interference  with  tne 
Admiralty.  Admibal 
NArieu  WAS,  in  tbe  firat 
place,  »o  "indiscreet" 
aa  to  disclose  the  eco- 
nomy, ahilitr.  method, 
and  practical  efQcienoy 
for  wliioh  that  buiiness- 
hke  department  of  the 
GoTcraiiient  ia  nov 
celebrated.  Too.  most 
appropriate) r,  followed 
up  his  revelaiions  with 
a  niotion  for  the  reduc- 
tion of  Uie  number  of  the  Lords  of  the  Admiralty,  and  for  a  diminution  of  their  salaries. 

Your  motion,  my  dear  Colonel,  though  it  faded,  I  (fricve  to  say,  was  admirably  timed. 
Curiously  enough,  the  Admiralty  had  just  be^n  exhibiting  itself  in  a  peculiarly  amiable 
liubt,  by  resisting  Captain  Boldero's  proposition  for  the  better  accommodation  of  NaTal 
Assistant-Surgeons.  You  felt  this.  Colonel.  1  know.  Y'ou  are  not  the  man  U>  pooh-pooh  the 
claims  of  these  gentlemen,  and  of  their  profession.  You  can  understand  the  importance 
of  a  class  on  whose  skill  may  depend  the  prcserration  of  a  limb.  The  Admiralty  Lords  cannot 
— and  they  have  not  a  Ifg  to  atand  upon. 

I  now  address  yoti,  Colont.l  SretnoBP,  as  an  oflBcer  and  a  gentleman.  As  such,  what  think 
you  of  the  «cus?3  made  by  persons— supposed  to  be  also  officers  and  gentlemen— for 
restriotinfp  adult  members  of  a  liberal  profession,  ranking  as  lieutenants,  to  the  berth  of 
sea-schoolboys  f 

Admirai.  DtTNDAa,  unless  the  reports  belie  him,  opposed  Captain  Boldbro'8  molion, 
on  the  ground  that  the  ward-room  was  not  large  enough  to  admit  the  Assistant -Surgeons. 
Colonel  Sibthobf,  I  have  to  ask  you  a  painful  question  ;  was  the  plea  of  this  honourable 
member  and  gallant  Admiral  trtjz  ?    Here  is  the  answer  I  get  from  Mr.  IltrME  : — 

nplf ,  OD  the  groand  cf  want  of  room :  bat  thrM 


"  Sm  O,  ComsLTur,  eight  «  ton  years  a^  gave  tb« 
jfflMn  tloe«  that  tlmo  bad  been  aildad  to  Iht  wanl-roon.** 

May  I  charitably  hope  that  Adviral  Dthtdas— say  from  inexperience — was  merely 
mutaken  as  to  tbe  capabilities  of  the  ward-room  ?  We  shall  see  perhaps.  Captain  Berkelet. 
standing  together  inliis  chivalry  with  the  Admiral  against  the  poor  Assistant-Surgeons,  obiected 
likewise  to  their  demands  the  want  of  room.  But  Caftain  Bzrrxlet  has  been  foully  mis- 
represented by  the  newspapers,  or  he  argued  that 

"  It  wonUl  Im  th«  gresteit  bl'iw  to  tluj  diadpUna  of  tb«  aervloe,  If,  utwn  lb«ir  fint  tfibsrillf,  Uw  AasUtant- 
SargoooA  were  allowed  bQ  mcaa  with  the  hl$b«r  dasi  of  otBoen." 

To  which  does  Captain  Berkelet  object,  on  the  part  of  "the  higher  class  of  officers/*— the 
Assistant-Surgeons'  room,  or  their  comfiany  r 

The  following  was  our  candid  Captain's  reply  to  a  comptaint  which  related  to  the  porUh 
merely  of  the  midshipmen : — 

"  Wall,  rappoae  that  they  were  leboanMyii,  ibej  had  tbiAr  adacatloa  moet  probably  at  Rogby,  Btmi,  Hamv,  or 
Mbsr  of  oar  pabHo  acbocds ;  tbey  wm  poaHased  of  gentlmnon'M  fte«tli](i,  and  be  ahoald  like  to  know  at  what  aoboot 
Um  AMlatant-SurgaouiranbraaKbtiip  thai  could  make  tliem  one  jot  Raparlor  to  tho  mldahlpmeQ.  Ho  dentad  that 
tb«7  ware  ao,  and,  aa  the  oooparlsoa  bad  been  made,  bo  woald  boldly  maintatn,  that,  if  thm  wai  any  gain,  aa  Ikr 
aa  aaaoolatloii  waa  concenud,  It  waa  on  Iha  side  of  the  AuUtaoVSargeona," 

He  would  boldlv  maintain  1  Very  boldly,  in  faith.  I  hope«  my  Colonel,  that  ^onr  bold  Captain 

Sglits  as  boldly  aa  he  argues.  Who  disparaged  the  midshipmen's  birth  and  breedmg.as  he  impliesf 

One  more  instance  of  thu  gallant  gentleman's  bravery  of  assertion.    Of  the  attempt  to 

Sromote  the  Assistant- Surgeons  to  the  ward-room,  he  pronounces,  with  a  courage  worlhy  of 
luNCHArsEN,  that 

*'  It  ^u  contrary  to  tbofr  tntoDMt,  and  ha  beUered,  ffoerany  (peaking,  tn  their  dealre  alio,  that  tbey  a.hm\d 
be  BO  placfd." 

Oh !  my  dear  Colonel  Sibthort,  it  makes  me  ill ;  it  gives  me  a  feeling  of  unspeakable 
nausea,  to  imagine  that  this  reckless  language  can  have  been  uttered  by  "officers  and 
gentJemen.'* 

I  pass  over  Sir  F.  Baring's  speech  on  this  subject — the  mere  stereotyped  humbug, 
as  Tou  know,  of  office. 

One  word  more,  my  Colonel.  In  the  very  Tinui  which  records  the  above  disgraceful  sayings, 
I  observe,  touching  matters  now  onder  the  Admiralty's  consideration,  the  announcement  that 

"  It  ii  Raid  that  cpaalett«i  ara  to  b«  altojfetber  abollahad ;  and  ft  la  a  queetton  wlwther  the  antlqnatm!  cnrked 
bat  will  b«  mlalnud  Air  niw^  nn  luanl  ohlp." 

Don't  you  think,  Colonel,  that  the  AdmimUy  had  better  confiDe  their  attention  to  cocked 
ha's  and  epauleties,  and  leave  alone  ship<biiilding,  on  art  ia  which  they  have  no'  shone,  and 
in  which  they  are  not  eipert  enough  to  provide  aocoramodation  for  the  Assistant-Surgeons? 
I  think  you  will  atree  with  me  that  they  had,  as  I  nhall  wilh  you,  tbat  they  ought  to  have 
proportionate  salaries. 

Yoors,  my  dear  Colonel,  at  the  verr  least,  till  Dissolution, 


KIRK  AND  BAILWAY  CARRIAGES. 

To  the  Kzv.  Dr.  CANTLisn  end  tit 
Kev.  Mjl.  Drdiuiond. 

[At  a  late  meeting  of  the  Shareholders  of  the 
Caledonian  Kailway  an  attempt  was  made  t^ 
stop  all  Sunday  travelling  on  that  line.  The 
Sfotntait,  in  a  paragraph  headed  "The  Oppo- 
nents of  Sabbath  Breaking  in  Scotland,"  rrckons 
up  the  number  of  corriagea  lately  oh'-ervcd  on  a 
Sunday  standing  at  the  doora  of  tue  above-named 
reverend  gentlemen,  and  before  the  principal 
churches.— rirftf  "  Sramimer"  March  30.] 

Candlisu  and  Druickond,  lend 's  an  ear 
There 's  juat  a  question  I  wad  apeer 
Aneat  a  point  1  *m  nae  that  clear, 

The  noo,  concemin'; 
And  wad  its  explicaticn  hear 

Frae  men  o'  leomin'. 

The  tither  day,  ye  '11  no  forget, 
The  Caledonian  holders  met; 
Of  unco*  godly  cliieU  a  set, 

Araang  'em  blelhrin', 
'Gainst  Sunday  trains,  wi'  zeal  red-bel, 

Barangu'd  their  brethren. 

Ane,  gifted  wi'  prophetic  si^ht, 
Wi'  Heaven's  decrees  familiar  quite, 
The  famine  and  potato -blight. 

That  thraw'd  the  nation. 
Imputed  to  the  Sabbath's  slight 

An'  desecration. 

Drukmond  and  Candlisil  noo,  tak'  heed. 
The  Scotsman  neist  i  chaac  d  to  read ; 
What  thence  I  quote,  I  hope,  indeed, 

Is  nought  bat  error. 
Or  else  'twsd  gar  me  shak'  wi*  dread. 

An'  quak*  wi'  terror. 

The  Sunday  mom  before  the  last. 
Your  gates  his  correspondent  pass'd, 
Where  carriages— I  stand  aghast 

The  toTe  relatin' ; 
Nae  doo^  his  pen  has  ria  too  fast — 

Were  there  a-waitin' : 

Forbye  a  line  at  ilka  kirk, 
Unless  he  tell  a  fausehood  mirk — 
Hcch !  Sim,  but  a'  this  Sunday  work 

Is  verraawfu*; 
Without  evasion,  sbitt,  or  quirk. 

Say,  is  it  lawfu'  P 

Gin  trains  on  railways  manna  tin. 
And  engineers  and  stokers  sin, 
Doin',  the  Sabbath's  bounds  within, 

A  bit  of  workie, 
May  chariot-wbeels  o'  gentles  spin 

Unblamed  to  kirkie? 

Eh !  gin  frae  Sunday  trains  were  got 
The  famine  and  the  tatie  ro% 
I  just  wad  ask  what  ills  may  not 

Your  congregation, 
Candusii  or  Drummohp,  bring  on  Soot- 

-lond'a  wretched  nation  P 


Street  Luxury. 

We  have  had  pine-apples  hawked  about  in 
wheelbarrows — we  have  seen  goffres  sold  at  the 
comers  of  the  streets  like  hot  potatoes — and 
last  Sunday  we  witnessed  in  Hungerford  Market 
the  epicurean  sight  of  iV^i  U\ng  told  at  a  pMflf 
a-pifcel  U'eknotvlbat  tiabits  of  luxuriou*aeat 
led  to  the  downfall  of  Home,  and  when  wo  refleot 
that  the  ice,  whicti  generally  fetched  a  shilling, 
and  never  brings  in  less  than  sixpence,  ia  being 
cold  for  the  price  of  a  common  bun,  we  cannot 
lielp  irenibling — it  may  be  Wfakucss,  but  we 
cannot  help  it— for  the  safety  of  ihe  British 
Empire. 


N0.4&8*- 


1^8 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


AtDE    TOL 

T^z  Iri&b  DevBpApers  state  that  the 
celebrated  lii^nUur  Adt,  who  has 
devotnl  kiiuHcLf  to  letteri  with  greater 
a»siiiui>7  tban  &u>  niau  of  his  time,  has 
juHt,  comriv^DCed  operhdone  on  tbe  Id- 
imbi^aaU  ofLimerick.  U^e  underttaod 
ha  has  taken  quUe  a  fresh  5  art,  and  is 
iLs  vigoroni  an  if  be  were  juat  nov  in 
tbe  JosKPH  Har-DAT  of  bn  existence. 
We  frar  that  there  are  oot  many  per- 
aaua  who  i^Eire  been  cDrkhed  fa^  the 
^^s,^.  diaet7fer»3  of  Uiis  individual, 
fltid  it  would  hebptierfor  everyone 
recebin^  a  eommunicati^jn  from  him 
to  cKensli  nO  hope  of  ^ain,  but  to 
persGTere,  quit-e  irrespecUve  of  Adt,  in 
Qta  own  uq-AdtM  efforta. 


CmiUiet<rr.  "  kiL  bight,  Jm.    Pcun  ai-qho  1 

Ofd  Lady.  *^liss.s,  &ior  I    ConDUCToa  i     I  w^m't  tjlke  CHJUtoK  pok 

?JUtCE— THAT  I  WOW't  !       11*;*K,  PO-LICS  1       COftUlTCTOB  J  "    &C. 


I  Ve  bk&t^p  tub  old  Gal  out  this  tiii&" 


The  EATtli  bath  Bubbles. 

TiiEiL£  are  re^rts  r.hat  gold  is,  after 
al),  not  ao  plenliful  aa  it,  was  eipecfed 
fr>  b<:  a'  California.  The  diygera  are 
fuming'  crusu  at  the  prrcions  metal 
rormiDg  tuRrfly  a  cnist  over  the  soil, 
■nd  ill-natured  rntiarka  are  bfting  made 
upon  Niitiift,  for  Imrmpr  condescended 
to  nse  the  electrotype  process,  instead 
of  mtLking  the  ground  on?  solid  raaas 
of  the  prtcioiLS  metals.  We  hear  that 
hoBpi^dity  abounda  in  California,  and 
that,  wLenerer  a  strapger  presents 
himself,  the  host,  putting  a  ptok-aie 
into  his  vieitor's  Land,  reqaests  him 
to  sit  doxva  and  pick  a  bit. 


SCENES   FEOM   THE    LIFE   OF   AN   UNPEOTBCTED   FEMALE. 

SHE     MARRIES     THE     INEViTABLE     ONE. 


%  and  tAe  Trottehs*  oion  canisgc,  and  ft  hack  cab  drive  np.  Tie 
SMITHEELs'e  ^V-mnn  is  in  a  large fnvonr,  attfi  (t  stale  rfpariutl  iuiox- 
katUn.  T/m  T R0T1BR3*  tcftchian  iHaks  Javmrs  /otr  ;  but  h'n  uho 
Uen  firinkin^  iha  *mUh  o/^A^  *''fip*  tofp'e  b^  iDtticiputioH.  Thi  Uy^ 
PHOTECTBD  M  in  Us  TfiOTTERip'  ^wfl  earnaff!,  m(h  htr  estfxiH 
TiwjTTER,  le^o  M  io  giiK  her  aicay,  and  iioo  of  the  brid^smui^i^  M I3S 
Suais  Trottkh,  aM  th^ y^UHgttt  Misa  f  Annb)  SwiTHBas,  a  perttM 
of  msfutg  yiarg,  Old  Sjhthers,  and  Mias  SAaAiJ,  ath4  Miss 
Smituess,  oTfli/  Miss  GUKSTQNt  irre  \^ry  tipht  in  thf  fiif.  Jack 
SinTH  £0:5  US  f H  ihfi  enA.  He  M  ttf>(Aitiff  ia  pftrttjruhr  ift  thi  eirfm&f*^, 
but,  bfi^Qf  a  ihety  tunt,  nndfond  of  going  ia  ffs^ecttiiom^  has  ittiuUd 
OH  Kcinq  Mifla  SrauGSLEa  '^  turmd  off"  an  he  permatt  in  f^niiing  it, 
is  the  ditgtiit  fj  hU  iuti?rs.  {N^^H,  For  oiHtimei  see  Ad^fHiseairni) 
TAepArifi  heu  oiiffhted  vUh  mmderatl^fracaSf  jmt  as  the  tTitdnesday 
morning  co^greffalion  tomt  out. 

Oid  Bmiihcri^  Just  in  time.    Nov,  Mi^a  STRtiGOLKa 

[Ofefing  his  arm  gailanttji. 

Oolite  PetB-Opener  {»Hh  pretU  iniereii),  'Ere,  Marm — this  way, 

Unprotici^d  Peviale.  Ob,  rrAcioos !— heroS  the  c^DgregJifif>n.  Oh— 
how  very  aonoying !  {Sh*  fe&h  tk^  it  remarked^  and  is  mich  hitri.)  Ob 
^f  wp  ^d  onlv  wait«^d  a  quarter  of  an  bottr  Ioniser.  iS  vemt  itt^'mUrs  qf 
iJk-*  co/tgrrffotioit,  vh  appear  o/dejmU^y  aid  dhin^ftged  Aabtls,  linger  vn 
tk«  iteps,  and  ttceotKpanfi  the  party  info  Church,)  Oh— 1  aafd  w^'d  be  m 
quar-pr  \  no  BOon,  [Sckke  rha^gea  to  itttrriar  ^  ChurcK 

Jack  Sntiiketi  f/o  Miaa  Ans'e,  K-M^iflf).  Sbe  ain't  resigned*  They 
always  want  a  qimrfflr  of  itu  hour, 

Miu  JMtte  Uevffr^tfi],  !)on*t  W  ah-iunj,  JoHN,     It.  'a  unl'ceJiriif. 

Peli^  PeiO'Opewr,  Mm.  Wapshot  'a  in  tbe  Westry— and  the  11ev> 
SviTHEna 

Otd  Smithert  {lo^tinff  ffi  hi4  tpatck}.  Ab— we're  toonrtim\  I  suppose 
we  ^ball  find  llle^l  in  'he  V^s^ry, 

U/fprQt$c4«d  Ftmak  {dinging  V4rp  Hffh/  to  Olo  SitiTDBHa>,   Oli— I 

hope  ^0.  [Feetir^  tkui  JoKis  u  alittded  io. 

[The  Cleok  appart  Aewnng  ntttnd  tht  Feit/y  door,  and  hekoxt  ih 

por(f   rrp. 

P  !iU  Fete-O^Me/-  {keeping  up  a  ramning  c<mme/U  at  /A^  proceed 
to  ike  Fettty),  This  'ere*a  the  way  ^o  the  Westry,  Sir-  There's 
Mb,  Tkemlbtt,  tlio  clerk,  Marm.  Oh— bless  herl—she'e  all  of  a 
tjrmimcL    Oh— the  dear  oretur  t  {Otrtae^ifig  in  a  vagm  icttg  to  ike  btides- 


mmdi,  sfid  the  partf  gttteraUyJ)    Oh — my  dtars,  wich  may  it  soon  be 
your  timis,  »omf*  on  you.    Aii^T  dessay, 

Utfproierted  Fnfmaie  {half  in  eotiioquy,  h/i  If  to  fffif!n>d^  aoAo  Ukes  to  anttoer 
Aer}.  Oh — shouldn't  he  be  fti  the  anle,  or  Hie  attar,  or  eooiewhere  P  Oh 
— Mr.  SMiTiraita,  1  ff-el  such  a  siuking. 

OidSmUk^r  {itouti^K  Po ah,  pooh— it'll  soon  ba  over,  {Jside  to  kit 
iec&nd.)  Sft|t«  ready,  SAttr. 

Fotil*  PeisOpener,  Is  it  anythin'  I  could  g^t  the  dear  lady 't 

Jtn:k  Smithfrs  {to  Anh£).  She  'a  dmnk.       iAUuding  to  PewOpenee. 

Afwj  Anie  \mu^h  ditjmted).  Jomf^  how  can  youF 

Mr.  Tremkft  'ia  hit  aoft  and  subdued  ujtderta/cer'sffUmner).  Thl*  way,  if 
you  please,     TAit  way,  Ma'am.  {At  on^e  picking  out  tho  victint.  Fisrcefy, 
aAdm  jSif  otAgrttoire  to  Polite  Pkw^Oj^enbr.I  Be  off  with  you 
[l^OUTE  Fbw-Openeh  tftiret,  and  indnlgee  in  agnth  of 
swearing  outside. 

Unproteeled  Femah  (eefU  "w*"  her  lu^i  niom^'nf).  Oil — ^rE-crous  me ! 
[Scene  ckangrs  tc  Fettry.     The  Rev.  Grimes  Wapstiot  itintr^ 
dated  by  the  Hev.  SuiTHRfta,  who  it  "  to  atsiH  "  him,  ike  Hbv. 
&.  being  a  remote  cov^in  <^tfa  Unpeotectjed  Fbmaue, 

Old  ^mihtrs  {mttcov^^rtaUti).  Where's  JowEs,  1  wonder  P  Eleven 
waB  the  linfie,  and  he's  geuerally  piiac':uAL 

The  Ree.  Smiihert  {vho  it  qf  a  ^orid  and  peticat  turm  of  wtimd). 
"  Lovp*s  herald  ahauld  liave  wings/* 

Jiirk  Smii^t  {tehi>  icoki  Oft  the  ILev.  SKiTEfiflu  at  a  mt^f),  JONSS'II 
have  a  llanaom. 

^fiti  Anne  're'n&ntfreti^ij/).  Now,  JouN. 

Uttproifcied  Female.  Oh,  then  he  ian't  bfl''f.  Iwas  sure  he  wasn't. 
Ofide^ir,  ilifre'saomtthim?  drpadriil.  [To  Mjsa  SjiRah  SuiTMEBa,»A0. 
bet'ny  her  egvai  in  age,  it  her  eot^dHte.)  Oh,  SauLI,  you  know  I  said 
it  was  too  niiich. 

[S/ie  tinki  ijUo  a  chairt  aind  u  taken  pouessiOH  qf  and  dealt  with  hjf 
the  hdiet. 

Old  Siiifkerf,  Ther'^'fl  a  tab ! 

The  Rev.  Qrimet  WnpuhoL  Ah—we're  ootutantly  disturbed  with 
theni.  I  wisht'd  to  have  tbe  wooi^paVement  laid  down,  but  the  Vestry 
ubjec^ed  fn  the  eipense. 

The  ife^.  StKithers  (fiervoMtif^  Hftd  Otide  U  the  ReV.  Gbuces  WaP- 
SfiOT).  It's  letting  nij. 

The  Eeo.  &rimet  Wi^Moi  Hm  th  jSSmI  t<m).  I  'to  a  burial  at  twelve. 

Old  Smtkart  {to  Rev.  Suithbha).  1  say,  they  must  he  marri^  beforo 
twelve,  mmtn't  theyP 


L 


TV  R^v.  Sailhert.  Th»k  **  the  c»iioivio»l  how.  ■ 

Jtutt  Svnthera  {xhoJiiuU  U  dtlf).  then  tliere  'a  the  oh&scft  oi  a  repTiere 
if  JoNKS  lion't  cnmf  up  t,o  tini**. 

ffifnda  and  eomfbftsfs).  Ob — now— don't  talk  to  m«  so;  it  i6n't  the 
cldck«.  Ifc's  80m«thm(f  (freadfiil— I  feM  ii^-there*«  be*n  mi  •coid^'nt. 
Oh— Mr.  SMJTHEits— let 's  k^  bofne-;-!  wn  mirfi  I 'tl  rifher  eo.  Oh— 
wlift*.  «  thr  uv?  (^rverai  qfikr  more  inq*fi*i(ir>e  tort  among  (hi  ccgrfga- 
iwn,  hrarifig  httr  burtls  of  emviion,  are  pefpiag  (hrongh  tke  Fesiry  door.)  1 
tiitin't-  rxp""*  fhis  of  hint — oh  dear  ! 

Polite  Pew-(ip'ner{fm»hing in).  Ob.  pIciLse,  if  vou  could  tend  me  a 
clotlies-bru4ti,  Mr.  T&BBiLBTT — her4  *b  bsea  a  coliigion  and  the  gentle- 
nan  'b  muilded  hisn^lf — ami  spiled  his  'at. 

Jhprni^i^H  FfmaU.  Oh  I  who  P 

0// "      ■        Isi'MB.  JonbbF 

f/r  >/tt^.  Oh!  don't  attempt  to  deceive  &i«  by  ftskinif  for 

clolliu;,  '».:^..^<,.    Oi\y  be  'sRot  somethitig  broke. 

[/<  aboni  to  tusk  out,  but  u  ckug  to  dp  her  ISm  hrideimaid*. 

Enter  Ma.  &iUTir,  Mr.  Jones's  bent  man,  verv  ptttially  cleaned^  and  a 
grtod  deal  out  of  breath  andfiuiUred, 

Smith.  It  was  all  ihar.  infenial  omnibn"^  '  v.../ ;.  /..  .<  ...../^„-  ^  {^ 
%H  Church).  Oh  !  1  bcR  pardon,  it 's  all  ri  .  out  he 

wfifl    forced  to  buy  a  tiai,  aud  they   c  one  Ibat 

dlWi  him. 

Uof/rofeeted Female.  Oh !  he's  in  achemist's  wifh  aomethiDB  broke.  Oh  I 
I  ou(tlit  to  go   Oh  !  now,  isn't  h«  f    {PasstoiMtelu  adjuri^'g  Mb.  Smith. 

Svtith.  Couipoee  yoiiracU.  lleallv,  it  '5  only  ma  I'X'.  and  be  'It  bf  a 
liUle  oiftiel.  (Mn.  Themlett  males  ineffeHuai  attempU  to  hnish  the 
u.Yt  mud  of  Mk.  biirni's  ttue  cat.)  Thank  you;  1'.  ■  of  no  couw- 
qiteiice.  {Jtide  /o  Jack  SHlxuEKa.)  How  do,  Smitmehs?  Il  was  a 
coutouDded  omnibus;  and  our  curved  fool  of  a  cabman  would  out  in, 
auti  »pi[l  us — and  there *&  been  such  a  row ! 

Ja<k  Smiiher9,  What  fun  t  UoUol  here's  the  other  poor  fluffcier. 

J^Aier  Jones  iM  a  state  qf  utter  daaoUtinH  as  tc  hu  Vivend^r  teaUtcoai 
and  canary  kerseymeres,  and  htBgloces  bunt  in  several place$, 
Jones.  I  'in  vrry — 
Utiproteeted  Female.  Oh  !  lie 's  8ft\>d !    UrIi— uch ! 

[Gtes  of,  and  ij  again  dealt  rrith  by  her  femaU  altendants. 

Jon^s.  1  *ni  rcAlly- 1  couldn't  hrip— we  've  been  spilt — but  nothing. 

(7o  $MITllliR8,   iistde,  and  pointing  to  the  grotip   of  ladies.)     I   »ay, 

f  houldn't  I— eh  ?   You  think  uot  f  (lioteingtoKKX.  (iuiMi  5  Wapshot.) 

Very  sorry  to  have  kept  jou  waiting.  Sir.    How  do,  hMiTirens? 

[To  Reo.  g.'Mt.  qfihat  natne. 
7%f  Hev.  Smithen  [aiide  (0  JoHKa).  If  she 's  mueh  longer  coming  to, 
you  Ml  not  be  abin  to  b*  n'arried  to  day. 

Jonei  ifo  Unprotectkd  FF.MATr  >/-r.i«/i4  y*^  todies).  My  dear,  kv 
must  he  niarried  before  twelve,  oti  :  mu'es  to — 

Unprotected  Female  [recovered,  w-..  ■      .  I'm  ready,  DiVlD. 

[TAtf  £ndiil  pro'-e9si(fH  is  formed. 
Jones  (to  fitflTH.  aside).  By  Jote  !  Svith,  have  ^ou  the  ting  f 
Smith  (an      ^    * 
Jones  (in 
dri  d  at  thr  ::       l: 
Smith  (t^ianki^).  By  Jovr! 

J.  ffrt  (nhftrbi'd  in  f'lor^pht  of  the  ring).  I  *»  go  back. 
Vttf  Oh,  he  saTfl  he  *ll  go  back ! 

Jv"  f  nation).  No— no— 1  don't  mean  that  i 

r,  -i','.  Oh— what  is  it? 

itr  I '.  There's  no  ring  t 

Mi.\<  1  nston).    The  man  has  forgotten  the  ring! 

Un-tuleried  FenntU.  Oh— d««r — ob — what  m  fo  be  doneP  — oh  ! — 
Fotite  Feir-Opener  (takirtg  qff  her  ring)-  Wich  I're^s  my  own  blessed 
ling  '■    '  '  i  Ipitv(?t,  wn<lnng  or  sm  1  ■.  my  blessed  angels. 

:7'»  to  the  Charrh.     St  'oyj,  o(d  tcomfH,  and 

-  ..i»uiiiv.e  metnUn  if  the  ]i\......  ....v  morrmg  congregation, 

eroted  vp  to  the  roils. 


{_The  Youth  Pew-Oi'BFEr's  rinff  ix  take*  ndpttntage  ^tOnd  iLL 
IS  OVER!— a/  the  additioMai expense  (f  hatf-a-ftoien  to  the 
PoMTH  Pkw-Opkner. 

[ffe P'istover  the  harrotctng  arrne  if 
reader  that,  nottcilhstandirtg  th^ 

the  UMPJWTtCTfD   FEMAXE     (/' 

after  mavf  inefertwal  attempti- 
'l^ftonEn.s  '  teas  a  great  mcceti. 

(Wt  extract  the  fvllowing  graphic  account  of  the  abova  Scene  from  a 
morning  0>ntemporarf.) 
"Mauluoc  in  HiOH  IiiPK.— On  "Wednesday,  the  ISth.  at 
St.  Qeorge's,  Bloomsbury,  was  consummated  the  Jong-expeoted  weddinv 
(which  baa  been  long  on  the  tapts.  and  lia^  given  ri^e  to  so  mfiiir  ondtte 
in  a  weekly  newspaper)  between  David  Jokes,  Esq.  (of  the  well-known 


^1.  No ;  yoH  've  got  it : 

By  Jove,  il  's  in  my  great  coat,  that  I  left  to  be 


firm  of  Smith,  JovEa,  and  RosnieoN,  com-r&ctnrt  and  general  merchants) 
and  the  lovely  and  accomplished  Miss  MAntiu  SrurGOLRs  (only  ohila 
of  the  lale  Sahukl  Staugguls,  so  much  re*tH*c  ed  iu  the  comiriffcial 
world).  The  lovely  bride  wore  an  ambiT  glace  fiilk,  with  an  (iTi>  ;    .11 

enmiie,  Chaxitilly  fall,  and  oranprr  flowers,    bh"  wrh  a'tcndc'^  r 

hy  the  three  elegRTil  p.nd  rlinm.in^  ^fiss  Ssiithkra  (dftugli'  n 

SMirriRRs,  of  the  li  'irrn  of  Smitiikiis.  Gukston,  «ud 

KnoiuERs,  Turkcj  s  Trotthr  'd^ugh'er  of  Tuohai 

TnoTTKR,  Ksq),  auii  .">:.  '  lurBA.  E^q., 

and  second  cousin  of  l^  -,  who  wore 

attired  <•«   suite,   wore  1  '    '-    -"d 

Honi'on  veils.    After  th-  I 

by  the  Kev.   Grime.'*    ^i  s 

Smitoers  (a  cousin  of  the  lovc-ly  and  accornplished  hntiei,  fh«*  iwrly 
returned  to  n  n^Acnilicent  dejeuner  at  the  (own  mansion  of  TuO)U9 
TrotteK.  Ksq.,  AVoburn  Place.  Bedford  Sauare,  whence  the  happy  paii 
proceeded  by  rnilway  to  Brighton,  for  the  uoneymoou." 


KING  ALFRED  GOING.  GOING-GONE! 

E  felt  mentally  knocked  down  by  an 
auctioneer's  hammer,  on  reading  in 
the  liaiapthire  IndeLendent  \\\t  an- 
nouncenitnt  following : — 

"  The  tiniiii  nn<)  llio  n«maln«  f>f  A\.ritMo 
Tin  OiiKAT  ar<<  to  tM  tiOtrnA  fur  »»la  ky 
Anetloa  on  TliiiradBy  next,  by  order  of  tba 
tovntf  lusgtiiUvtea. 

We  vriali  The  inmiori^ility  which 
this  notice  will  confer  onihu  magis- 
tratee  of  liampaUire  were  such  ai 
they  might  have  earned  by  erecting 
a  filling  monument  over  Alfred's 
dust.  A  handsome  piece  of  arcni- 
teotute,  forming  a  second  Win- 
chester College — a  College  for  the 
County,  in  which  there  is  not  too 
much  learning — would  have  been 
an  appropriate  tesliniunial  to  the 
memory  of  the  great  pJitron  of 
education,  ll  may  be  well,  bow- 
evrr,  that  Alfred's  burial-place 
Jias  pBSied  from  the  possession  of 
flift  Hampshire  magistracy.  Per- 
Laps  It  is  now  in  better  Keeping. 
Oiir  Southampton  contemporary  adds— 

•■  Wo  abfuld  h«T«  thmurht  Uitt  th»  lowcrt  «leiKh  of  aeernd*ttoa  hul  bOM  ruobod 
vHea  UiQ  Bite  ol  the  *plenaid  Abboj  «li«ra  lOi  nmuiiu  wen  deposited  vai  oovcrod 
with  tba  buUilluKV  ofs  brld«v«a" 

F-ncy  'be  treadmill  revolving  and  the  rogues'  hornpipe  danced  over 
Alprkd's  grave !  Had  the  truly  wooden  Bench,  the  authors  of  this 
desecration,  lived  in  later  days,  they  would  perhaps  have  dug  (he  hero's 
bones  up,  and  sent  them  to  Andover  to  be  crushed.  For  the  future  we 
hope  that  the  people-  of  Winchester  will  be  enithled  without  blushing  to 
point  out  to  the  stranger  the  spot  where  Alfred  lies. 


/k.    l'..e^^ 


.  onls  tuxuring  the 

•ts  to  ihf.  cuttifary, 

'»  svyning  her  name 

}ud  iht$t  tke  breakfast  at  the 


A  HAIL  FOR  OALirORNlA. 


We  find,  from  a  notice  to  the  public,  that  the  Post-OfGoe  authoritiea 
have  started  a  aiail  to  Caiifnmia.  We  should  like  to  see  the  vehicle 
ael''cted  for  the  service.  We  have  a  strange  suspicion  that  the  old 
Hnunslow  cab  has  been  fitted  up  with  a  new  pair  of  shults  to  supblv  the 

f)lace  of  those  which  we  dashed  to  pieces  some  time  ago  in  afeorful  col- 
ision  with  our  shafts  of  ridicule,  aud  that  this  precious  set-out  has  been 
ordered  to  set  out  on  the  first  stage  towards  the  diggings.  We  used 
to  find  fault  wi'h  the  rate  of  traTeliin^  by  this  conceni,  but  the  rate  of 
postage  it  satisfactory.  Half-an-ounce  is  to  be  2j.  h^d.,  an  ounce,  ii.lltf., 
and  it  will  scarcely  require  an  ounce  to  announcd  anything  to  one's 
friends  in  Cilifomia,  vVe  think  the  Post-Ofllcc  authaniies  niight  ven- 
ture to  charge  higher,  and  declare  that  every  letter  should  be  charged 
wi'h  its  weight  in  gold,  which  the  Califomians,  with  their  embarrasdet 
rickesses,  oould  moke  no  objection  to. 


TUE  rOBCB  OF   BABIT. 

The  DrKE  op  Cambridge  was  the  Chairman  lately  at  some  oountry 
meeting — it;  was  either  a  Burial,  or  a  Teriotal  Socic'v,  we  are  not 
eerrain  which, — when  a  resolution  was  put  iiro  bis  hand.  His  Hoya) 
Highness  immediately  rose,  and,  with  his  usual  good  humour,  naidi 
" drntlnmen,  the  ueit  Health  1  have  to  propose — .'*  Jt  was  nnly  sfter 
innumerable  coughs,  and  nudgea  ol  the  elbow,  thmt  the  Duke  diseovered 
his  mistake. 


i 
4 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


HANDBOOK    TO    HER     MAJESTY'S    THEATRE. 


I 


HiLE  we  are  on  the  fTontier 
of  the  re&Itns  of  song,  we 
will  furniflh  »omc  uwful 
ioform&tion  as  to  the  mode 
of  obUiumg  the  necesa&ry 
pftasport  to  enter  them. 
It  will  be  iidT»able  to  re* 
pair  to  ihe  office  of  the 
Opera  Ambasaadrtr,  his 
Siiper-Exceliency  Mr.  Ntj- 
OENT,  who,  like oihrr  diplo- 
matic authorities,  is  the 
recotcniaed  medium  for  ad- 
mitting all  fit  applicants  to 
an  audience.  Theae  pass- 
ports are  issued  on  the  pay- 
ment of  such  fees  as  may 
be  required. 

Though  every  facility  is 
given  to  the  granlini;  of 
pAssporls.  there  has  fre- 
qufnlly  been  much  diffi- 
cult/ in  obtaining  them. 
for  it  is  the  wise  policy  of 
the  gorcmment  of  the 
realms  of  aong  not  to  per- 
mit barmODT,  which  is  tbe 
very  geniw  loei,  to  be  dis- 
turbed by  the  admission 
of  greater  numbers  Itian 
it  is  possible  to  accommo- 
date. 

As  the  coutinent  may  be  reached  by  different  routes  bo  are  there  various  modes 
of  arriving  at  the  place  of  destination  to  which  we  are  furnishing  a  Hand-Boole. 
Tbe  best, T)ut  most  expensive,  course  is  Ihatwkich  avoiits  the  sometimes  rather 
stormy  pif.  pssaage  through  the  sea  uf  population,  which  freouently  runs  wilh  the 
impetuosity  of  a  torrent,  through  the  somewhat  narrow  channel  to  which  it  is 
obliged  to  confine  itself. 

The  roughness  of  this  passage  is  usually  at  its  height  after  Salter,  when,  from 
astronomical  causei,  the  stars  exercise  an  influence  on  the  tide  of  popularity  which 
flows  rapidly  in.  and  there  being  two  opposite  currents,  caused  by  one  stream 
rushing  pcll-mell  from  Fall-Mall,  and  another  in  the  contrary  direcLion,  there 
is  n  meeting  of  both  near  the  centre  of  attraction,  and  it  is  therefore  necessary  to 
erect  barriers  or  breakwaters  to  restrain  their 
impetuosity. 

Thenavigation  is  often  exceedingly  diJGouli,  and 
it  ia  desirable  that  all  very  slender  craft  should 
avoid  the  attempt  to  make  the  Opera  pit  passage 
in  the  height  of  the  season ;  and  it  ia  exoected 
lha»-  this  year  will  be  dislinguished  by  a  Trmpeti 
of  a  very  extraordinary  character.  Experienced 
pilots  usually  steer  their  course  as  much  aa 
possible  through  tbe  centre  of  the  stream,  for 
otherwise  there  is  danger  of  being  driven  out 
of  the  regular  channel. 

Sometimes  a  stout-bmlt  man-of-war  may  be 
seen  making  way,  with  a  small  Hftht  squadron 
under  convoy,  but  the  experiment  is  hazardous ; 
and  though  we  never  saw  an  instance  of  one 
of  the  weaker  vessels  having  actually  slipped 
ber  slays,  we  have  often  seen  her  dhfring  along 
wilh  grea*-  danger  to  her  fiRurehead,  and  wilh 
tome  of  her  canvas  carried  away  from  her.  There 
ia  also  the  unpleasant  necessity  of  remaining  a 
considerable  time  in  the  ofGng  until  the  tide  runs 
in.  which  ir.  begins  to  do  a',  about  seven  or  half- 
past;  hat  uutil  then  it  is  desirable  to  !i|rcure  a 
good  anchorage,  which  can  only  be  obtained  by 
taking  up  a  station  at  an  earlv  opportunity.  Aa 
the  craft  are  generally  rigged  out  to  the  best 
advantage,  the  rigi^iug  ia  liable  to  get  a  little 
out  of  order^  and  the  weaker  may  often  be  seen 
making  their  way  wilh  a  loss  of  bows,  and 
labouring  rather  heavily  aatil  they  get  within 
the  biu-,  where  Ihey  are  called  upon  to  show 
their  pennits  before  going  into  harbour. 

The  more  distingnished  visitors  enter  by  a  much  easier  route,  sdopling  the  well- 
known  pass  of  tbe  Grand  Staircase,  which  leads  to  an  extensive  range  of  upland, 
having  all  the  smoothness  of  tbe  oelebraled  tapU  ceri  nt  Versailles,  wih  an 
atmosphere  of  tbatre5ned  air.  for  which  even  the  outskirts  of  Ilcr  Majesty's  Theatre 


are  exclusively  remarkable.  It  will  be  neeeisary  for  visitor* 
to  bear  in  miud,  that,  on  entering  a  new  domain,  then 
are  usually  customs  and  duties  to  bo  observed  ;  and  thera 
are  many  peculiar  customs  and  duties  connected  wiLti  an 
entrance  into  the  realms  of  Opera. 

The  Gustoma  regulations  are  very  rigidly  enforced  at 
the  harrier:  but,  notwithstanding  the  vigilance  of  tha 
officer*  on  duty,  contraband  commodities  have  oocaaiooally 
been  smuggled  in ;  and  there  have  even  been  cases  in 
which  that  utterly  prohibited  article,  the  surtout,  has 
been  got  across  the  frontier  by  surreptitious  means,  such 
as  pinning  up  the  skirts  so  as  to  avoid  detection  on  the 
outskirts.  It  would  occupy  too  much  space  t«  furnish  a 
list  of  those  objects  that  are  not  allowed  to  pass;  bnt 
it  maybe  stated,  that  any  one  who  wilfully  makes  an  object 
of  ^  himself  by  his  absurdity  of  costume  will  be  at  once 
objected  to. 

The  law  is  by  this  time  so  well  imderstood  tliat  at- 
tempts to  violate  it  are  exceedingly  rare,  but  now  and 
then  a  bold  smuggler  will  advance  towards  the  frontier 
with  an  umbrella  or  some  other  offensive  weapon,  and 
render  it  necessary  that  a  seizure  should  be  msde;  a  pro- 
ceeding whicli  is  always  conducted  with  a  mitture  of  gen- 
tleness and  firmness  highly  creditable  to  the  authorities. 
The  article  stopped  is  not  forfeited,  but  is  deposited  in 
the  hands  of  the  proper  oflkier,  who  takes  charge  of  it 
till  the  return  of  the  traveller,  who  id  expected  to  follow 
the  customary  laws  by  giving  a  small  customary  fee  on 
the  re-dclivery  of  the  goods  seized  as  contraband.  Bon- 
nets are  of  course  prohibited,  and,  indeed,  they  are  now 
seldom  brought  as  far  as  tbe  frontier,  for  no  one  now 
fake<i  such  a  thing  into  her  hrad.  or  on  to  ic,  when  visiting 
this  locality. 

The  only  indispensable  luggage  consists  of  a  binocular 
lorgnette,  which  is  essential  to  a  due  appreciation  of  the 
numerous  beauties  of  the  place  now  about  to  be  entered. 
By  its  aid  distant  objects  are  brought  near,  and,  tbougik 
distance  lends  enchantment  to  some  views,  the  scenea 
we  are  about  to  open  to  the  eye  of  Ihe  traveller  in 
these  favoured  regions  cannot  be  brought  too  near  to 
us.  Though  we  are  somewhat  nrecipitatin^  matters, 
by  giving  tuus  early  a  glimpse  of  wnat  is  passing  within, 
we   avau  ourselves  of  the  power  of  tbe  opera-glass  to 


4 


■■9 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


IGl 


A    BIT    OF    MY    MIND. 


BIT  THB  JFIUST.-BEmG  MEB.  MOUSER'S  BIT  OP  A  PREFACE. 


I  HAVE  been  pat  upon  and  provoked  to  it.  1  niigbt  have  gone 
down  to  my  ayiDfr  day,  holdiof?  my  Tongue  to  roy  end,  if  it  hadn't 
been  for  the  House  of  Coaimous.    Ma.  Modsbb — 

Not  that  B8  a  married  woman,  I  would  whisper  a  breath  anioat  the 
hufth&nd  it  has  pleased  Providrnce  to  allot  to  me.  I  hope  I Imow  oiy 
burden  better.     But  Mb,  Mousb& — 

And  I  'II  be  jnri^cd  by  any  of  mv  acquaintance,  whether  by  so  muoh 
u  a  look  I  have  ever  dropt  a  word  of  what,  gracioui  knows  !  I  might 
hare  aaid.  No  •  I  hhall  never  forget  what  my  poor  aunt  Peacock— ahe 
■wu  dreat  in  a  silver-grey  lutestring  like  a  board,  it  could  have  stood 
upon  its  own  hem — what  that  good  soul  said  to  me  the  very  day  I  was 
tnarried,  when  I  went  up  itairs  to  change  before  I  went  into  the  boney- 
troon  with  Mouber,  in  a  sulphur  po'-chay  with  two  cream-coloured 
horses  to  Ihe  Angel  at  Twickenham — whether  the  house  is  there  or 
gone,  I  won't  aay — never  shall  I  forget  the  words  of  that  dear  soul ! 
— never!  "  Ameua,"  said  she,  we  were  both  co'ing  all  the  time, 
"  Akrua.  my  blessed  child,  you  have  now  changed  your  condition. 
What  IS  in  store  for  you,  it  would  be  presumptuous  ia  any  of  us  to  say. 
But,  my  dear  babe,  let  me  advise  you  as  a  friend,  never  to  ^ive  way  to 
any  thoughts  of  happiness.  It'll  be  tlie  safest.  If  happiness  comes, 
well  and  good— but,  don't  expect  it.  You  are  now  a  mruried  woman"— 
and  here  aunt  Peacock,  giving  a  shiver  that  her  lutestring  rustled 
again,  swallowed  her  tcara  —  *'a  married  woman,  and  life  won't  bo 
what  it  wa«,  Amelia.  AVe  were  made  tu  suffer,  and  must  go  through 
with  i^.  But,  AUEUA,  never  forget  the  greatest  jewel  in  a  woman 
is  her  nroper  pride :  that  is  %  jewel  that  will  8Upj>ort  you  when 
friends  foraake.  A  proper  pride  is  belter  than  a  marriage  portion,  for 
it's  all  for  a  woman's  self.  Ambua.  if  you're  nipped  to  bits  with  red- 
hot  pinoera— I  dou^t  mean  to  eay  " — for  X  did  look  at  aunt  Peacock 
— "  I  don't  mean  to  say  for  a  certain  you  will  be;  but  if  it  should  so 
happen,  don't  say  a  word,  however  Mocber  may  ill-treat  you.  I  don't 
mean  to  say  he  will,  and  I  know  that — only  five  minules  af(o— he  called 
you  before  all  the  company  his  pearl,  his  rose  without  a  thorn,  his  cup 
of  haMineaa  mnmng  over  at  the  brim;  but  all  that  goes  for  notliing 
when  il  comes  to  plain  working-day  married  life.  Therefore,  however 
miserable  you  may  be,  don't  make  other  people  as  wise  as  yourself,  if 
your  heart's  breaking  up  to  bits,  put  a  saiile  upon  it,  as  if  nothing  waa 
the  matter.  In  a  word,  my  dear  gul,  whatever  may  be  your  troubles  in 
wedlock,  always  have  on  oyster  in  your  mind,  and  suffer  and  say 
nothing.  These  were  poor  aunt  Peacock's  words;  and  at  that  time 
how  little  I  thought  of  'em  !  The  po*  chay's  steps  were  hardly  tip— the 
door  put  to— and  we  not  live  minutes  on  the  wnv  to  the  Angel,  when 
the  words  were  as  clean  out  of  roy  mind,  u  if  they  d  never  been  spoken. 
But,  to  be  sure,  at  that  time,  Mk.  Mouskb — 

Nevertheless,  it  ia  not  my  intention— do,  not  in  the  face  of  red-hot 
nippers  tbemaelvca— to  say  a  word  that  aunt  Peacock  in  her  grave 
would  shake  her  head  at.  I  have  taken  care  of  my  proper  pride  from 
the  tlrst,  and  it 's  grown  along  with  me.  The  things  I  have  heard,  and 
the  silence  I  have  Kept,  would  not  be  believed  1  Why,  there  was  only 
last  Tuesday,  when  Mils.  HonNULOWEtt— I  soraetiiuBs  think,  when  that 
woman's  talking,  she  has  her  own  tongue  and  mine  into  the  barRain — 
when  she  would  tell  me  all  about  Hoiindloweb,  beginuing  with  his 
goings-on  from  the  first  down  to  last  week  only,  when  he  jumped  up 
Ike  a  madman  from  a  sweet  bit  of  cold  mutton,  and  rushing  up- 
stairs, shaved  himself  in  a  passion,  and  dreil  himself  iu  a  whirlwind, 
and  banged  the  door  like  a  sarage,  and  went  out  to  dine  at  a  tavern 
oke  a  hurricane,  and  came  home  at  last  in  a  condition  that  men  are 
muoh  better  out— well,  when  I'd  heard  it  all,  looking  down  as  I  did 
apoa  the  woman,  and  wondering  where  was  her  proper  pride,  to  lake 
oer  husband  from  house  to  house,  and  to  bring  up  their  cold  mutton  a^ 
'J  it  was  as  much  other  people's  concerns  as  tbeir  own — well,  when  I 
bad  heard  all  this,  and,  seeing  Mhs.  Kobnbloweb  expected  me  to  talk 
in  my  turn,  and  I  didn't, ;  for  though,  gracious  knows !  if  I  'd  only  liad 
the  mind  to  speak  of  Mb.  Mouseb — 

But  no  -  as  I  say,  red  hot  pincers  should  never  do  it.  Yet.  when  I 
think  of  tue  temptation  1  go  through,  it  is  wonderful.  More  than  that, 
I 'ffl  sure  of  it^  all  my  married  friends  think  me  a  poor  creature  with 
not  a  bit  of  spirit  that  does  and  takes  iust  what  her  husband  chooses : 
but  it 's  a  sweet  consolation  iu  my  triais  tluit  they  know  very  little  of 
Amelia  Mouseb,  No  ;  I  hear  all  their  troubles,  smile  upon  'em  and 
only  double-lock  my  ova  in  my  own  breast.  If  it  was  not  so !  w!iy, 
there's  that  man— whom  everybody  believes  to  bo  an  angel  at  a  lire- 
Bide— there  is  Mil  Mouser— 

8tiil,  1  should  despite  myself  for  my  want  of  proper  pride,  if  I  waa  to 
aay  a  word.  And  vet  to  hear  how  that  foolish  woman,  Mas.  Botleb, 
doea  go  on  about  Bdtlbr  ;  for  all  the  world,  ai  if  every  woman  in  life 


St  up  every  morning  to  do  nothing  all  day  but  to  think  of  Butlib. 
ow  she  tired  me  out  on  Monday!  Sent  away  another  servant,  because 
Butleb,  happening  to  say  the  day  before,  he  thought  pink  of  all  colours 
prettiest  on  a  woman,  and  then  the  bold  slut  flaunted  it  the  very  neat 
morning  in  pink,  of  oourse,  as  that  silly  wom^  said,  for  nothine  else 
only  to  please  Botier!  Well,  whatever  I  may  have  felt  in  mr  life,  1 
hope  I  *ve  always  followed  the  advice  of  poor  aunt  Peacock.  ^'  As  for 
jeaJousy,  my  dear,"— she  used  to  say — "it's  like  the  amaU-itox,  and 
always  disfigures  the  woman  that  shows  it.  Like  the  amall-pox  it 
sometimes  comes  and  can't  be  helped ;  but^,  unlike  the  smallpox,  if  you 
so  will  it,  yon  needn't  discover  tlie  marks.  Jealousy  may  be  a  burning 
arrow,  but  let  it  burn  unseen :  never  pull  it  out.  and  expose  it  before 
company."  I  am  sure,  when  I  see  how  some  of  my  acquaintance  will 
carrv  their  green  eyes— aa  somebody  calls  'em— into  all  places,  I'm 
doubly  gratelul  for  my  proper  pride.  1  never  speak,  but  I  know  this 
fact.— nobody  better  I'll  be  bound— I  know  there's  Turks  out  of 
Turkey.  Of  oourae,  nobody  to  look  at  Mm,  would  think  that  Me. 
Modbkb— 

Not  that,  for  a  moment,  I  am  going  to  forget  what  I  owe  to  myself. 
Certainly  not.  Burning  arrows  are  belter  kept  for  one's  own  fireside, 
and  for  one's  own  husband.  Nobody  else  has  any  right  to  'em.  The 
same  with  everything  'rwixt  man  and  wife.  I  'm  sure  I  wouldn't  go 
on  like  Ihat  dreadful  Mas.  Halifax,  exposing  her  husband's  pocket, 
and  showing  how  mean,  how  little  he  is,  wherever  she  goes.  "Would 
you  believe  it,"  says  she  to  me — expecting  I  should  care  a  pin'a-point 
about  it — "woiJd  you  think  it.  that  Haupax,  with  all  the  money  be 
has,  and  what  he  has,  though  I've  been  his  wife  these  fifteen  years, 
I  don't  know— with  all  he  has,  grudges  me  I  nuiy  say  as  much 
as  a  new  riband  P  My  dear,  if  he  wasn't  my  own  husband,  I  should 
aav  he  was  a  brute,  for  he  thinks  a  new  gown  will  last  for  ever.  I 
tell  him  he  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  see  me  go  as  I  do,  when  every 
other  man's  wife  comes  out.  when  it's  expected  of  her,  like  a  bed  of 
tulips.  And  for  me  !  why,  look  at  me!"  And  then  the  foolish  woman 
supposes  I  'm  to  care  how  many  gowns  she  liai,  or  whether  she 
has  any  i^)wu  at  all.  Well,  that  a  woman  should  be  wanting  in 
proper  pride !  If  she  was  kept  like  a  blackamoor  savage,  she  ought 
to  show  too  much  spirit  to  name  it.  For  my  own  part,  I  was  always 
above  dresa :  I  had,  from  a  child,  a  strength  of  mind  bevond  ailk  aad 
satins.  And  lucky  for  me,  it's  been  so.  Other^'ise,  I  am  sure  that 
MiL  Mouseh- 

Notwithstanding,  aa  1  have  already  observed,  people  should  keep 
their  troubles, like  their  meisles,  at  borne;  and  not  carry  'cm  from 
house  to  house.  The  same,  too,  with  tbeir  conceit.  Why,  there  is 
that  Mks.  Macaw  !  She  would — as  she  calls  it — pour  her  troubles  into 
my  heart.  Trouble;  when  the  foolish  creature  s  as  fond  of  it.  a«  a 
little  girl  with  a  big  dolt.  Macaw,  she  says,  is  ao  jealous  of  her:  the 
can't  louk  out  of  the  window — she  can't  speak  to  a  single  creature. 
"My  dear,"  says  she  to  me,  "I  know  it  a  only  Macaw's  iiolatry, 
as  he  calls  it  when  he's  in  a  good  humour— bis  idolatry  un  the 
wrong  side.  Sill  yon  must  pity  me.  I  do  believe  he'd  like  to  lock 
me  up  all  day  in  an  irou  safe,  and  take  the  key  out  with  him  I 
Aa  1  tell  him  sometimed,  1  do  think  he's  jealous  of  the  very 
house-flics  —  and,  my  dear,  though  it  is  very  flattering — we've 
been  married  twelve  years  next  Michaelmas-very  flattering ;  still, 
you  must  pity  me.  I  hope,  dear  Mas.  Mousbr,  you  don't  know 
Irom  painful  cxpeneoce  what  a  jealoua  husband  is?"  And — for  1  truat 
I've  a  proper  pride  in  ail  things — I  smile,  and  say  nothuig.  But  I 
remember  aear  aunt  Peacock.  Jealousy  from  real  love,"  she  used  to 
say,  "jealousy,  Amellv.  is  wine  turned  into  vinegar.  And — it  tirnvn't 
be  pleasant — stiJ.  if  it  'a  your  fate  to  drink  it  take  it  down  us  if  it  was 
buttermilk,  and  aon't  make  the  world  lauKu  with  your  wrv  faces." 
What  a  deal  I  owe  to  aunt  Peacock  I  For  sometimes — not  ^ut  what 
I  hope  I  've  too  much  pride  to  name  it ;  nevertheless  sometimes  a  saint 
herself  with  Ma.  Mouseu— 

Certainly  not ;  no.  I  shall  aay  nothing— at  present— Hut  can  in  any 
wav  allude  to  my  husband.  I  hope  I  have  a  better  pride.  Never- 
theiesf ,  since  mv  visit  to  the  Uouse  of  Commons ;  aince  I  had  a  look 
at  what  is  called  by  Moussn  himself  the  Muesty  of  Parliament— and 
since  I  heard  his  Majeaty  speak — I  feel  myself  an  altered  woman.  A 
certain  boldness,  if  I  may  use  the  word,  a  beautiful  boldness  iuducea 
me  to  break  the  silence  of  a  life.    And — 

The  end  of  it  is  this — 

I  am  now  determioed  to  give  the  world  A  Bit  or  kt  Mud. 
That's  settled.  loora  for  the  present. 

Tit  H&ite^nckUt,  AJUUia  M.OUSK&. 


^«i.6ftfe. 


PUNCfJ,  OR  TITE  LONDON  CHARIViUtl 


I 


N 


i 

I 


A  WORD  TO   LORD   JOHN,   UPON  A  LATE 
DEBATE. 

I  jftfffffyllliTiiiqtK         A       ni,— EvTOT  man    who  comidcrs 

jj         Jw^^  "^^^^hi  ''**''  pos't'on  of  B  Miiii6t«r  in 

I        jlffllnlllf  mn       ^VA  thf!  present  day, the  cpasclejs 

calls  upon  liU  tonguf^  and  bia 
bminH,  the  dnily  t»irin^  that 
ho  gets  from  the  bnll-doga 
of  the  Hnuse  (if  ono  muy 
80  speak  of  bonoumble  gea- 
tlenieii),  must  feel  ihe  sin- 
ceiTst  conipassion  for  that 

Sttiablc  being.  Now  it  is 
[r.  DiaBAELl  who  rises  and 
(n'TCS  the  N(ib!e  Lord  or  (he 
Chancellor  o?  the  Ei- 
CHEQUER  an  airing;  then  it 
IB  Mr.  UrUE  that  pours  into 
)nm  the  shafts  of  Ins  kren 
Mrcasm  and  polished  wit ; 
t  hen  it  is  tlie  acn(  e  StRTUour 
who  makes  a  butt  of  him,  aud 
causes  theHouse  to  ringwilh 
laughter,  at  any  rate  at  some- 
holly's  expense :  another 
niljht  it  is  an  Irish  Memher  who  beards,  as  Mb-  Grattax  says,  Ihe 
Minister  in  his  place  in  the  House  o(  Conimous,  and  exposes  the  wounds 
he  Jias  made  in  the  bleeding  rarcaas  of  his  oouulry ;  or  en  another  even- 
ini,  CoBDEN,  BiucHT,  Gibson  rise,  figures  in  hand,  pelt  the  Govern- 
ment with  irrrfistihle  arilhmctic,  and  derythem  at  the  multiplication 
table.  To  each  and  all  the  unfortunate  Minister  has  to  moke  some 
answer. — now  to  plead  for  time,  now  to  refuse  compliance;  to 
deny  this  statement  point-blank,  and,  when  particularly  hard-prcised, 
ingeniously  lo  dodge  Irom  the  other.  Sir,  when  an  eccentric  author  of 
Jale  likened  vour  Lordship  to  a  cock-sparrow  or  a  canary-bird,  Ithought 
to  myaelf  what  an  uncontforiahle  nest  it  is  that  poor  birrl  sleep*  in ; 
what  an  early  bird  he  niust  he ;  what  a  life  he  lias  with  all  (he  niis- 
ohieTOua  boys  in  the  empire  pulling  at  his  tail,  and  the  marksmen  of 
the  press  and  nil  the  spor'smen  of  the  House  of  Commons  firing  at  him. 
^ou  can't  BO  to  take  a  quiet  basin  of  turtle  at  the  Mansion  House  but 
sonitbody  haa  Rsho\  and,  ns  last  week,  in  the  midst  of  a  peaceful  dessert, 
when  NonNffiis  ha^  been  sung,  and  everybody  is  tranquil,— in  full 
trice,  old  CiuiiLKY  NAPiEti  turns  round  and  Ores  a  stern-gun  into  you. 
Your  Lordship  will  perreive  that  the  tone  we  adopt  is  one  of  good- 
rtaiuic  and  lender  commiseration  for  the  many  tiigcrcies  of  your 
Bitua*ion,  and  by  no  means  the  tone  of  anger.  Between  great  powers 
such  as  we  two  are,  a  lofty  courtesy  is  becoming,  and  a  saJutc  before 
we  engiure  in  auy  ditipute.  You  will  remark  «ith  what  kindness  wo 
have  invariably  breu  disposed  to  treat  you.  A  man  so  pressed  as  you, 
cannot  he  supposed  to  have  the  be^t  of  every  enooiintcr.  Armed  ever  so 
carefully  by  anxious  subordinates  ere  you  go  forth  to  battle,  wadded  all 
over  br  UowniDg  Street  papers,  a  man  so  ahol  at,  you  must  be  hit 
somewnerc — a  champion  always  called  upon  to  mm  out  must  be 
weary,  and  be  upset  by,  instead  of  orerthrowing  his  adversary.  Thus, 
even  of  oupelvw,  it  is  said, — AliquanHo  bonutt  ^r- — even  of  ourselves 
it  is  sometimes  lemarked,  "  This  week's  Punch  is  not  so  uuconimoDly 
brilliant,  bo  Iremendousty  stunning  aa  the  last."  ^Vho  can  be  always 
right,  always  fresh  and  in  good  health,  always  a  conqueror  f 

Unwilling  then  to  engage  a  combat  with  a  man  who  has  so  many 
chullcnges  every  dsy,  and  is  on  the  ground  every  evening,  we  Jiave 
wnilrd  wi  h  some  anxiety,  and  a  sincere  hope,  ihat  you  would  &nd 
crcH*<ion  to  modify  some  opinions  expressed  by  you  in  the  House  of 
CuniuKins  the  other  night,  with  regard  to  the  greater  porUon  of  the 
'Jhird  Ksta'e  of  tlie  Realm,  and  also,  that  respected  Fourth  Estate  to 
which  we  have  the  fortune  to  belong,  and  the  rishts  and  honour  of 
rhtoh  we  propo'ie  most  carefully  lo  maintain.  When  Mr.  Wilneb 
GiBAON  made  his  motion  last  week  for  the  repeal  of  ihe  excise  duty  on 
papcr,and  the  stamp  and  atlrerti^emeot  tax  on  newspapers  in  one  of 
the  ueaieat  speeches  in  which  truth  was  ever  agreeanly  administered,  he 
noticed  as  a  proof  that  the  present  pre^s  taxes  were  unjust,  not  in  the 
vliote  merely,  but  iu  the  pan;  cluuisy,  inclTcct ire,  unequal;  weighing 
heavily  upon  the  honest  and  useful  part  of  the  press,  and  not  operating 
upon  the  dangerous  and  wicked  portion :  the  fact  tliat  while  the  Stamp 
duty  was  paid  by  all  respectable  ioumals  which  gave  Llic  proper  and 
wholesome  news  of  tbe  qav,  and  wliich,  indeed,  caanot  circulate  at  all 
without  ibat  passport,  numbers  of  disreputable,  scurrilous,  indecent, 
and  irreligi'^ua  periodicals  were  printed  independent  of  any  stamp  at 
all,  and  r,f  course  found  their  way  into  Ihe  houses  of  the  poor  who 
could  not  aford  to  purchase  the  more  costly  stamped  publication. 
And,  the  hunger  for  reidinff  being  so  great  and  natural  that  the 
poor  man  will  feed  upon  aometbing  (as  1  have  seen  poor  people 
eating    oettlea    and   garbage    in    the    hedge*,    wbeo    the    potato 


aaaf» 

t  Ix-Ul 


foiled  them),  hs  has  reoourse  to  this  poisonons  and  nnwholeaome  meat, 
t)ecau8e  the  wholesome  food  is  put  beyond  hta  means,  by  the  duty 
which  Ihe  Govemment  levies  on  it.  What  happened  yesterday  in 
the  House  of  Commons,  in  England,  in  France;  vhat  Mr.  UtBSOsr 
said  in  support  of  bis  motion  for  removing  press  restrictions;  what 
valuable  observations  your  Lordihip  supplied  aa  reasons  for  retaining 
them — the  poor  man  must  not  read  without  paying  his  penny  to  the 
State  collector :  but  blasphemy,  but  indecency,  but  filthy  slander  on 
private  character,  hut  vulgar  romance  and  ribal<iry ;  but  discussions 
political,  social,  religions,  more  or  less  able  and  Dones^  or  rascally 
and  incendiary,  in  wbioh  the  propriety  of  every  existing  institution  H 
gainsayed.  be  it  our  privR*e  property,  our  wires*  chastiU,  the  House  of 
Lordf ,  and  the  Queen's  throne,  or  that  of  Heaven  itself :  on  all  (heae 
points  the  market  is  open  to  him,  and  he  is  free  to  purcbatie  his  meal. 
What  a  dreadful  supply  it  is  I  Can  any  man  walk  the  atreots  of  our 
great  towns  without  heing  frightened  at  it  ?  What  garbage  and  poison. 
stale  cast-away  scraps,  and  rotten  oITal!  What  huxters  to  Tind  it! 
What  an  eager  busy  crowd  ! 

These  are  rlietoncal  fJgures,  however,  and  it  is  bv  no  means  in  such 
that  Mb.  Gibson  deals;  his  are  plain  statemeuts  anu  fac's.  He  reads 
an  extract  froui  one  unstamped  paper  in  which  the  Colonial  polic/  of 
the  Government  is  fiercely  attackea ;  from  others  against  the  Qcee:!^ 
and  the  Church :  and  from  a  fourth  in  which  the  necessity  of  anew 
organisation  of  society  is  proposed,  based  on  principles  not  opposed  to. 
but  in  accordance  with,  nature  P  This  letter  w  followed  by  **laughter* 
from  the  House.  Tiie  wags  !  ther  always  laugh.  Be  it  ruin,  anarchy, 
the  Day  of  Judgment,  they  must  laugh— the  subject  is  so  funny!  And 
the  speaker  continues — 

"  DAbarred  rrotn  nwording  ficts,  the  oonductnra  of  tfao  diwp  preu  vcrn  cnmrFlIM  lo 
rsck.  tbeir  braliu  for  lOfDethin;  to  czeUn  the  p—i<c*ui  or  ctlniiil 
SirnvMaea  ttm  did  noUiioff  more  thRu  act  upon  tbo  oervous  t- : 
(DitMDce,  the  Ttrr^  ^/oorrf;— tbat  wu  for  nervmu  pooplo.    \i- 
Baoth«r  wecUf  p«iwr,  wliloh  emiialncd  %  horrible  aoeount  of  a.  i 
murdorpd  by  a  muilac,  And  ftDdtber  **  rtonr  «r  real  116)^"  namely. 
Cvuiil«B»;  or,  lh»  LlAi  of  Iala  Movtai.      (**  J7«er,  Awr."  mtd  tau 
lurnnnrd,  bj  lui  emlnout  boukMller  In  M iinobe«ter,  th*.t  he  10141  over  Lin 
BMtnrdur.  W,000 or  M,0()0 of  ttwM  pcany  ptibJIcatlooi  tn  tbe  worklnj^  <\  ( 

tbam  pnlltletl,  ncu  InHglnaclvv,  and  name  reltfrloni.    Tliii  bookjellor  1. 1  <• 

did  DoC  bellw  thwe  nam  one  Id  fifty  of  liU  eostumen  who  did  not  prului  i:<  i'it'-Iii^jb 
the  papori  oonUiiiing  the  leading  «rcnta  of  the  day,  bat  tliey  could  not  aflcinl  Um  price." 

Now,  what  is  the  reply  the  First  Minister  of  the  country  makes  upon 
this  facetiou*)  8ubjpc^  in  the  midst  of  this  jocular  auditory f  Lord 
John  RussKi.Lsays:— 

"  His  risbt  hen.  friend  bad  ibawn  tbe  alffcbtef  of  tba  anibunped  pspert.  uid  be  re«l 
arUeI««  fmm  tbsm  to  yrove  their  oitwibleTeDi  eharaelar:  bat  Uwf  Memed  to  him  lo  be 
M  like  aonw  of  tbe  article*  In  the  Hamped  newipaptiia  (A  lamgh)  that  be  warocly  kaev 
the  dUbrenee.  Tb«rc  wni  o  character  of  Losd  Qaar  nad  tut  be  almoat  itiouaUt  w» 
vrlitQO  t^  JACon  Otmwu,  or  Mme  of  the  vrfien  In  tlta  dally  papers.  (A  UiKgL)  For 
hll  part,  he  cmild  not  very  niTirh  dUUn^Uh  the  itl0i>ivnee  In  tbe  etylo  which  the  rl|;bt 
hon.  gi>nt]F«niui  wlKh<<d  Li  point  cuL  TIia  (ior«mmontdld  not,  aa  one  of  tlie  depntatlmu 
told  him,  keep  on  thin  tax  to  prevent  tmowU-dge  beiny  acqolrad  and  oooveyod  by  tbe 
oewspapera.  He  fslt  no  appreh«iafiU>u«  of  that  kind ;  but  he  beUered  that  If  tbe  tax  vera 
taken  chT,  It  Fuald  make  llule  dlflbreoce  In  the  papen." 

So^  this  is  the  way  in  which  tbe  head  man  of  the  country  comprehends 
the  silualion!— Instead  of  meeting  the  argument,  tnruat  at  him  as  plain 
as  a  pikestfifT,  the  (iovemmeni  Champion  dodges  and  ducks  under  it !  He 
can't  very  much  distinsuish  the  difference  in  the  style  which  Ihe  Right 
Honourable  Gentlemsn  wishes  to  point  out;  he  almost  thinks  the 
character  of  Lord  Ghet  is  written  by  Jacob  Omviitm,  or  some  of  the 
writers  of  the  daily  press !    0  fie !  0  for  shame  I 

As  for  Jacob  Ohxittu,  that  ingenious  person  can  take  care  of  him- 
self, and  80  can  the  writers  in  the  daily  press,  too  :  between  whom  and 
the  unstamped  publicists  the  Prime  Minister  can't  see  any  difTtrence, — 
therefore,  tbe  argument  ro  doubt  is,  one  is  es  good  as  the  other  ;  there- 
fore lot  matters  stand  as  they  are;  therefore  let  the  Newspaper  Stamp 
duty  remain,  and  a  laugh  of  course  from  the  House.  0  fie  1  O  for  shame^ 
we  say  again. 

What,  you  can't  see  that  the  chief  writers  of  the  press  in  this 
country  are  men  whose  education  is  as  good  as  yours,  whoBe  talent  is 
infinitely  greater  than  yonr%  who  speak  more  to  the  point  upon  all 
public  questions  and  in  better  English,  and  employ  a  variety  of  learning 
and  acquirement  such  as  not  one  in  a  hundred  of  you,  Gentlemen  of  tha 
House  of  Commons,  can  use  ?  You  can't  see  the  difTerence  between 
polished  wit,  and  acojmplished  Riyle,  and  skilled  logic,  and  argument 
clear  and  eloquftnt,  and  the  writings  of  those  who  hrtve  m  vf-r  had 
the  leisure  to  learn  Ihe  use  of  these  weapons  of  controversy  P  Do 
you  tl'ink,  my  Lord  JOFIN.  that  you  could  write  three  leading  srticles 
a  week  for  the  TVww  or  any  other  newspaper  PI  he  public  would  snore, 
the  paper  would  die  under  the  infliction.  The  r»per  can  afford  to 
ti-U  the  truth,  you  can  only  face  that  \ml  of  it  which  suits  your  pariy: 
the  newspaper  writer  can  apeak  like  a  philosopher  vou  but  as  a  par- 
tisan;  and  I  know  of  no  spectacle  more  melancholy  than  that  of  a 
»reat  man,  like  Sib  RontnT  Pb»l.  in^}»o  Iwt  atrugglea  of  the  Com 
Law,  knowing  the  right  and  its  inevitable  mastery,  but  bidirg  from  it 
and  avoiding  it;  bound  roiserablr  by  the  fatal  compact  of  party- 
exigency,  until  that  day  when  he  broke  from  his  bondage  by  a 
noWo  act  of  revolt  and  recantation. 

And  so  beoatise  there  is  no  difereaoe  between  th«  ityle  of  the  good 


4 


PUNCIf,  OR  T^E   M)iyDON   CHAR^VARX 


1^.3 


press  and  the  bad  press,  tbe  poor  man's  joiirna!  is  to  be  tAied  still— la  it  ?     TThj  not  pnt  the] 
ttse  more  tioneslly,  and  in8tc*d  ot  mcrrlj  hinting  as  you  do  in  your  sperch  that  a  Umc  may 
OODM  when  the  present  system  may  bp  altered,  iay  openly  that  the  pecuniary  burthens  of  the| 
eoontry  ve  snch  that  it  is  impossible  to  forego  the  revenue  produced  by  the  Newspaper 
Stamp  Duty,  and  let  the  people  have  their  papers  untaxed:   that  though  reading  is  almr 
as  neoessary  for  them  as  bread,  they  must  wail  awhile  until  they  cm  have  the  fair  enjoymr ; 
of  the  former;  that  though  the  actual  prohikation  is  productive  of  inticit*  present  tnuchiei, 
and  pregnant  with  awful  future  evil,  the  State  is  so  poor  that  it  can't  afTord  to  let  Truth  go 
■ntaxed  to  those  who  need  it  Ihc  most;  that  though  tJicy  would  thrive  much  belter,  and  do 
yonr  work  and  their  own  much  better,  on  wholesome  mental  food,  ibey  must  go  on  poisoning 
thcmselTca  just  now,  and  dealing  with  their  present  pnrveyoni ;  that  you  and  the  Ciiancbllor 
o?  THE  ExcHEQUBB  CAU  8«e  uo  remcd?  for  this  misfortune.    It  may  bring  rmn  down  upon 
the  whole  of  us  before  long  ;   but  in  tte  meanwhile  wo  must  meet  our  engagements,  and, 
rmi  rahm,  the  public  creditor  must  have  his  dividend.    And,  as  a  professed  joker,  bavmg 
Bioch  experiencft  in  the  hnaineRB,  and  desirous  to  conl  inue  it  peaceably,  let  me  intreat  your 
Lonisliip  to  look  upon  this  question  as  a  grave  matter,  not  to  be  mei  by  the  sneers  ot  the 
Prime  Mintater,  or  the  laughter  of  the  Hoase  of  Commons.  |9(3^C1ft. 


A  MEW   FROM  THE  CAT. 


PtmcTT,— Nine  tailors, 
it  Ik  s«id,  make  a  man. 
With  more  truth  it 
might  be  asserted  that 
thirteen  men  make  a 
country  magistrate, 
who  comprjsfs  in  bis 
person  a  judge  and 
jury.  My  friends,  our 
Ju?lices  of  the  Peace, 
have  been  always  ra- 
ther >rrf  at  pcrsowgea ; 
bat  by  the  Larceny 
Summary  Jurisdiction 
Bill,  it  IS  proposed  to 
increase  tneir  great- 
ness. The  Collective 
"R^iwlom,  lately,  spent 
the  most  part  01  an 
ereoing  in  debating  as 
to, whether  or  not  they 
ihould  be  allowed  to 
infl'ct  iummary  whip- 
ping  on  young  men  of 

sixteen.  The  Tima  of  the  same  day  contained  a  bankruptcy  case,  the  nero  of  which  bad 
started  a  shnm  bank,  and  failed  for  £<iOOO.  paying  a  dividend  of  \s.  2^.  in  the  pound.  Surely 
here  is  a  case  for  my  application,  even  at  the  cart's  tail,  if  a  miserable  \hd  is  to  be  loourged 
for  a  twopenny-lmlfptMiiiy  tbefi,  unless  it  be  only  the  peasant's  tlesh  that  is  to  be  tortured,  and 
1  am  not  to  he  sutfered,  for  any  viDany,  to  lacerate  the  sleek  skin  which  is  cherished  by 
respectable  oloth  aud  line  lines. 

"  I  am,  &c.t  no  friend  of  yotirs,  truly, 

"The  Cat." 


DARKNESS  IN  ST.  DOmNOO. 

Tub  French  papers  make  merry  with  the  poor  old  mountebank  EMFHRon  of  St.  Domutgo 
—a  potentate  who  will,  we  doubt  not,  be  veiy  truthfully,  and  withul  econoniic*lly  repre- 
sented in  the  Dnglish  metropolis  on  the  Ist  of  May,  next — ^ving,  with  a  fiiuirk,  a  full  and 
particular  account  of  the  pilgrimage  of  the  Emperor  and  Lmpress  to  celebrate  a  funera. 
serrice  for  the  souls  of  the  Kruperor's  father  aud  mother,  tiesidea  this  solemnity,  there 
was  the  ceremony  of  marriage  of  (he  two  old  negroes,  parents  of  the  Kmpress;  who,  never 
expecting  to  have  a  daughter  lor  Empress,  never  oared  lor  ihe  respectability  ol  the  marriage 
tie.  Well,  the  dauglnrr  is  elevated  to  a  throne;  and  she  immediately  has  a  quicker  sense 
of  religious  and  social  decencies:  there  is,  we  take  it,  little  to  lauKh  at  iu  this,  li  would 
be  no  worse  for  the  imperial  character  at  large,  bad  the  like  detioacy  ever  animated  all 
its  doings. 

But  the  parental  shades  of  the  Emperor  are  to  be  consulted  and  honoured.    Wbereupon 


PICTURES  FOR  THE  PEERS. 

FnoM  an  answer  given  by  the  Prhvter  to 
^'       'H:    Lacy   Etaj^s   the  other  dwy  in  tha 
tis.  it  appears  that  the  refreshment-room 
I  ir^.iu^  of  Ijordi  is  lo  be  decorated  wiiU 

p:  iiig  to  the  Chase.     If  so,  the  adorn- 

m<  bonis'  rrfreshment-room  will  much 

rrKtmble  Ihose  often  met  with  in  that  of  another 
pubtie,  description  of  house.  To  improve  the 
Kiojililuiie,  these  works  of  art  might  be  *'aried 
b^the  introduction  of  scenes  from  the  Turf,  a  paa- 
time  as  lordly  as  the  Chase.  "Noblemen  Bel- 
ting," "Noblemen  Makmglheir Books,"  perlmp^ 
"A  Nobleman  Levauling,*'  would  be  appropriate 
subjects.  _  "  The  Billiard  Table  "  and  "The  Dice- 
Box'*  might  be  added:  and  in  further  illuitn- 
tion  of  the  Amusements  of  the  Nobility,  these 
paintings  might  include  a  view  of  "CBocKfonn'a 
m  the  Olden  Time."  In  oonnexiou  with  the 
Chase,  we  would  pictorially  elucidate  the  Game 
Laws.  "The  Keeper  Shot"  and  "The  Poacher 
Hanged"  would  be  le&sons  iu  form  and  colour 
— to  the  Lords.  Many  of  the  themes  above 
proposed  are  now  simpljr  bistonCAl— let  us  hope 
that  all  of  them — especially  those  of  the  dasa 
last  mentioned—wiU  soon  be  so  too. 


m 


"THERE  BE  LAND  PIRATES." 

Geografhy  now-a-daTs  is  fearfully  outraged, 
the  distribution  of  the  different  quarters  of 
the  habitable  globe,  for  we  find  Calcutta  within 
five  miiiutea'  walk  of  the  Nile;  and  the  Arctic 
Regions  next  door  but,  six  to  New  Zealand, 
which  IB  separated  from  Australia  by  a  narrow 
neck  of  cab-stands. 

We  like  lo  see  theee  Tariona  Exhibitions  thrir- 
bg,  for  though  ihey  are  pretty  thickly  s'udded 
about  the  West  End,  there  is  instruction  and 
amusement  lo  be  gleaned  from  every  one,  and 
there  u  abundant  room  fur  all  of  them.  While, 
howerer,  we  can  only  applaud  competition  in  a 
good  purpose,  we  object  to  an)tuing  in  the 
shape  of  piracy,  and  protest  therefore  against  the 
attempt  of  a  A!a.  Harvit — we  admire  Habvet's 
sauce— to  prodi  by  the  popuhmty  of  the  Fihibt- 
liou  of  the  Overland  Alail,  and  open  a  second- 
hand "  Gullery  of  Illustration  "  in  anot  her  quarter. 
We  never  eucourage  these  atteiitpis,  because  we 
have  found  from  experience  that  anything,  aeek- 
ing  to  establish  a  reputation  on  Ihe  lucoessof 
Bomelbinf^  that  haa  gone  before,  has  usuadly  no 
merit  of  its  owu  to  rely  upon. 

OwinH[  to  a  series  of  former  disappointment! 
under  similar  circumstances,  we  snail  decline 
taking  the  trouble  to  seek  out  Gallery  of  lUua- 
tratiun  No.  2,  its  we  do  not  anticipate  that  we 
shall  be  re(>aid  for  the  trouble  of  a  visit. 


Time  FUea." 


I 


Tni8  Iime4ionourcd  tnith  has  lately  received 
rather  a  literal  illnstration.  Tbe  large  clock  over 
liie  hair-dres!icr's  m  Oxfoid  Street,  has  suddenly 
disappeared.  As  it  bail  underneath  it  the  in* 
scriplioD  "Time  flies,"  its  flighly  conduct  is  at 
ccQuntcd  for.    This  is  only  another  proof 


L^l  ?."!!?„?5^'^^.*u  ^^T?5'^_A'i«  Fr'\'!!i.^"7^"5>^*=''^:^'^_l^'*!??r:P:£^5?  f!  Xl^^i?.'!! :  of  "e"  very  great  difficulty  a  public  clock  has  to 


in'o  ibe  woods.  Cock,  kid,  and  sheep  are  kiiled.  nnd  their  niiogted  blood  offered  to  the  souls 
of  faiher  and  mother;  which  eouls  are  duty  fixed  by  the  prietU  in  a  vessel  of  water;  and 
when  filed,  are  made  to  express  their  thanks  for  the  filial  attendance :  and  further  lo  assure 
the  sacriScers  that  they  are  perfectly  comfortable,  wanting  nothing  whatever  iu  the  oUier 
world.  On  this  the  writer  bewaila  the  awful  snperstiiion  of  poor  Saloop,  the  Kmpkrob  of 
St.  Dohimgo  ! 

Very  lemble.  this— very  humiliating!     Suppose  we  change  the  Boene. 

The  scene  Im  changed!  It  is  Naples.  A  f4te-day:  tbe  ffi(<of  Saikt  Jastartus.  Where- 
upon, with  many  thousands  marvelling  at  tbe  wonder,  and  blessing  themselves  that  they  should 
see  it,  the  congealed  blood  of  ihe  Saint  thaws  in  a  oottle,  and  the  miracle  of  the  year  is  per- 
formed— "lo  be  continued  in  the  next." 

Doth  not  Saxitt  JaKvaxius  preach  charity  for  the  darkness  of  poor  Kitfsbok  SaloopP 


keep  time,  if  we  were  asked  "what  was  most 
behind  tbe  age?"  we  should  say.  "  Next  to  LoU) 
JouK  RvasELL,  a  public  clock.'* 


k  STXC14L  PIXA. 

A  rouwo  Ibicf  who  was  charged  the  other  day 
with  picking  pockets,  demurred  to  the  indict- 
ment, "for  that,  whereas  he  had  never  picked 
pockets,  but  bad  always  taken  them  just  as  Ihey 
came." 


THE    CABINET    CUUTTI. 


Ih  the  middle  of  St.  Slepltcn'a 

Tbe  pit  yawns  deep  ftnd  wide, 
And  PuNCiiius,  tbe  aujfur. 

U  •ifkadinicat  its  side. 
He  bat.h  walcbed  tbe  SAcred  chicken?, 

IIhUi  mnrlcrd  ihem  turn  aw*y 
From  flieir  oflicial  pickings. 

For  the  drat  time  to-da}'. 

And  PuNCHius  li&tli  counted  up 

The  toMin  of  the  whoir, 
or  AURuries  and  omens, 

And  icrKtohf>d  Ms  tvoodea  poll ; 
And  after  rumiiulioD, 

From  ttie  leat  where  he  doth  sit, 
Hiith  risen,  in  explaoAtion 

Of  this  portentous  pit. 

•'Oh.  Place-holders  and  Miuiiten, 

And  Whippers-in  of  Kome, 
Tbia  is  KeLrenchmeat's  pit  ttuiL  yawaa 

Beneatlt  St.  Stephen's  dome.** 
'Tvas  no  AssooiaLion 

Financial,  out  of  doors. 
Mor  HutfB.  nor  ILenley  hored  it. 

Though  tney  be  mighty  bores. 

It  was  a  little  crack  at  6rsl, 

Thaf,  in  hia  scornful  play, 
MjlRccs  Hillius  would  leap  orer. 

As  he  passed  to  the  g&ni^-wjky. 
But  still  it  waxed  and  widiened. 

And  blacker,  deeper,  crew ; 
Till  UusstUTs,  beneath  ttis  liAt, 

liOoked  bilious  and  blue. 


CoBDEKiDs,  Ibe  Tribune,  swore, 

The  pit  ne'er  closed  would  be 
Till  they  had  cast  into  it. 

Ten  raillions  £5.  d. 
Then  a  scomrul  lauffh  laughed  UussiLUS, 

And  T'almkiistonius  sneetei). 
And  the  stout  tribe  of  Tadpomi, 

They  mocked  Cobdenius*  beard. 

So  of  the  Ordnance  Estimatoi', 

And  Naval,  with  regret 
AVere  flung  in  half  a  niillioD. 

But  the  pit  gaped  wider  j  rt ; 
And  Graius  whispered  Hufisius, 

As  he  looked  round  on  thtir  Irmn, 
"  What  if  we  fling  into  it 

A  Treasury  Lord  or  twain?  " 

But  KussiLt's  right  sternly  chid 

Such  radiral  remarks : 
"  If  victims  tiiere  must  be,"  said  hr, 

"  Fling  in  some  score  of  clerks." 
So  liaule^s  clerks  and  messengers. 

And  all  ihat,  had  no  friends, 
They  pttclicd  in  fast  and  fretly — 

But  still  the  pit  extends. 

Beneath  the  Treasury  benches 

It  yawneth  broad  and  black. 
Agiiast  into  its  entrails 

Qaxes  each  Treasure  hack ; 
And  forced  up  from  the  centre 

By  pressure  from  without, 
The  solemn  boom  of  Public 

OpimoD  swelleth  out. 


'•  I  yawn,  and  will  yawn  wider. 

Till  ye  throw  into  me 
All  idle  sineciirists, 

Whftte'er  their  names  may  be;l 
Graii  or  Eliottii, 

I  hold  in  little  heed  ; 
No  blood  is  sacred  in  my  eyrs. 

Not  e*cn  of  Bedford  breed.; 

"  Ye  think  to  stay  my  cravinir 

With  poor,  hard-norliing  hiairea; 
"What  already  is  pas',  shaving 

Must  submit  to  closer  shaves ; 
Yo  fling  OTer  what  the  Fcr^ioo 

Of  the  country  ill  can  epare. 
That  Whiflgish  lordling  prol^et 

May  still  each  keep  his  chair. 

"  I  gape,  and  gape  si  ill  wider. 

And  gapinc  will  go  on 
Un'il  I  swallow  up  this  House 

And  Downing  Street  in  one." 
Then  up  and  spoke  pale  UussiLiTBa 

"  My  earnestness  to  prove, 
Lo.  a  Select  Committee 

On  Salaries  I  move !  " 

Then  a  weeping  and  a  wailing 

Hound  Treasury  Benches  goef, 
Grau  and  KuoTTii 

In  anxious  protest  rose ; 
But  Profectioniits  ri«mpattiou» 

In  chfcrs  their  cries  did  drown, 
for  well  they  felt  tiieniselvea  had  got 

No  salariei  to  out  down. 


i 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVABI. 


To  the  pit's  bUck  edire  pale  Rrssaos 

With  hufTifd  atcp  arnvcs, 
And  whi«pen  PALMERJTONtrs, 

'•  Netds  umst  wheu  cresBure  drives." 
Scores  leave  the  Downine  Street  arnj-ciinirs, 

That  they  bo  well  did  fill. 
To  the  act  of  calm  Bucrifiee 

Going — again  at  their  vi  11. 


They  stop — they  shiver  on  the  brink, 

Nor  dare  the  de-^porate  leap, 
Till  1104611.08.  heroie, 

Hath  pushed  them  down  the  steep ! 
Then  vith  the  public  voic«  in  front 

And  the  private  sbovo  behind. 
Unto  the  fate  they  oaanot  help 

Tbej  have  themselveB  resigned. 


I- 
Tlia-  -laiqipe 

Id  I  lie  Forttiii.  he  leiipt  down: 
But  wliat  one  Ccbttus  ventured  then, 

Now  tribes  of  Curtu  dare ; 
And  ho*  many  soe'er  are  swallowed  up 

WeVe  still  enough  to  spare. 


I 


L 


REPEAL  OF  THE  ADVERTISEMENT  DUTY. 

Yestbrdat,  an  enormous  meeting  of  AdveKisers  of  all  denominationd, 
took  plaoe  in  Palace  Yard.  M%.  Jb5KTNs,  as  represeoung  a  class  (the 
large  class  of  domestio  servants;  was  unaDimously  bellowed  to  the  Chair. 

From  what  we  could  gather  of  the  sentiments  of  the  speakers,  they 
vere  (In  frarments)  as  follow ; 

"A  Wet  Ntirse,  a  Rrspectable  Young  Woman,'*  thought  it  was  like 
their  impudenes  that  she  couldn't  offer  to  take  charre  in  ine  newspaper! 
of  a  preoioas  baby  from  ihe  month,  without  paying  Eighteen  Fence  duty 
to  /iid/  Lord  Russell. 

"A  Lady's-Miid  turned  90"  who  understands  hair-dressing  and 
millinery,  gave  ii  upon  her  honour  and  word  that  that  Eighteen  Pence 
was  shameful — abominable — and  if  the  QtTEEN  otdy  knew  it — it  was  her 
[the  Lady's  Maid's]  opinion— HiR  Mjuestt  wouldn't  permit  it,  that 
•he  wouldn't. 

"  A  Housekreper  to  aSingle  Gentleman  or  Tradesman"  said  they 
had  only  to  be  Unanimous  to  put  down  the  Eighteen  Pence  for  ever 
and  for  ever.  If  they  wana't  attended  to  this  time,  she  gave  'em  warn- 
iog  for  her  part — let  the  Minis' ry  look  to  his  windows !  (C4«w*.) 

A  Butler  in  a  ouiei  Family  where  a  Footman  is  kept,"  said,  it  wa$ 
well-known  that  the  Orn  Laws  wa9  repealed,  on/y  ibat  the  Eighteen 
Pence  might  go  into  the  Lord  Chancellor's  pocket.  He  liopfrd  he 
had  always  been  Loyal — always  in  his  own  person  rallied  round  the 
Altar  and  the  Throne,— but  the  Eighteen  Pence  on  Advertisements  was 
a  fundamental  blow  at  AabMS  rorput.  Ue  only  hoped— it  was  bis  daily 
prayer— that  he  should  not  be  druv  to  join  the  Chartists. 

"A  Footman,  single-handed,"  faid  it  was  hinfamons — 
"A  Groom,  or  to  Drive  a  Brongham."  cried— "shabby!" 
*' A  Waiter  to  an  Hotel "  asked,  if  they  vtood  the  Eighteen  Pence, 
"■what  ntit  were  to  follow  ?  "— 

And  then  began  a  multitudinous  roar,  hundreds  cf  Advertisements — 
idvertisers  we  should  aay— condemning  the  Eighteen  Ptnce. 
"The  Natural  Standard  of  Sherry,"  hiccuped  ." stiamef ul— " 
"The  Most  Aj^provH  Shoves"  roared  "aisguiting" — 
"  The  Everlaaiiiig  (n)ld  Pea  "  would  vrrite  it.  down — 
"  A  Rcvoluiion  in  Light "  would  thow  it  up— 
"  What  to  Eal."  &c.  would  not  digest  it— 

And.  in  fact,  every  advertising  interest— represented  and  declared 
gfter  its  peculiar  manner— so  emphaiicall^  denounced  the  coutinuatiou 
of  tlio  Eighteen  Pf  nny  Tax  on  the  ndvorl  ising  indiLstry  and  commerce 
of  the  Country,  that — 

The  noise  of  the  Meeting  coming  to  the  ears  of  the  CnANCELLOR  07 
TUB  ExciiEQUBEi.  whilst  in  the  ITouse,  he  was  seen  to  bend  over  to 
Loao  UusSKLL,  and  heard  to  say,  "I  see  how  it  is;  we  must  give 
the  £ighteea  Pence  up.  *Tia  ooljr  a  trifle  alter  all— and— yes,  1  'U 
muukga  it.'* 


HOW  TO  REDUCE  TAXATION. 

EvEUT  one  is  anxious  to  see  Taxation  reduced,  and  though  nobody 
doubts  what,  to  do,  there  is  nu  one  who  can  tell  us  (or  theCiTANCKLLon 
or  TUB  ExctiKQUEK,  which  ict  much  the  same  thing,  for  what  we  lay 
mmt  be  done,  must  be  done — KeadT !  by  the  way,  be  good  enough  to 
excuse  this  longparentheeis,  IjORD  Brouoham  has  set  us  the  example)* 
how  to  do  it.  VVc  hhve^  however,  l>een  fortunate  enough  to  hit.  ujion  a 
few  Taxes  which  may  oe  reduced  to  the  perfect  satisfaction  01  the 
public  at  large,  and  withnut  a  fiirthinit's  io^s  to  thti  revenue,  We  would 
recommend  the  total  abolition  cf  the  following  Taxes: — 

1st.  TiiB  Tax— on  the  patience  of  the  House  of  Commons,  when 
11&.  Uaquuakt  is  addresnng  it. 

8nd.  Thb  Tax— on  our  time,  when  we  are  rending  the  letters  of  oor- 
Tespondenta  enclosing  jokes,  whose  interest  is  purely  antiquarian. 

These  Taxfs  throw  on  the  parties  subject  to  ttiem.  a  burden  of  the 
THost  onerous  kind,  and,  in  fact,  we  have  some  idea  at  aendit.g  our  boy 
KB  a  deputation  to  Ihe  Chancellor  or  tuk  KxcirEQOiriito  represent 
the  nature  of  our  case,  and— following  the  eiample  ui  everybody  tlse— 
ask  him  wliat  be  can  do  for  us.  By  way  of  propitiating  him,  we  will 
five  him  a  bint  by  which  he  may  take  off  one  Tax  bgainst  which  there 
tt  some  complaint,  and  impose  another  that  will  be  a  aouroa  of  enormous 

*  ]a  aouMueoos  of  lb*  Ivofftb  ol  this  pu«nib«sU,  It  b*d  b«tt«r  b*  rmi  at  tlio  eud 
sftlMartuT 


revenue.  Let  him  take  the  tax  off  knowledge — property  so  called— and 
lay  the  tax  un  ignonnoe,  when,  if  the  collection  is  properly  made,  the 
product  would  be  so  immense,  that  the  national  debt  might  soon  be 
paid  off,  and  cash  left  in  hand  to  go  to  market  with  for  another  oenfcvr* 


AN  EDUCATIONAL  NOVELTY. 

Thb  Education  Question 
is  now  one  of 
those  numerous 
Qurations  of  the 
day,  which  are 
waiting  —  and 
someof  them  seem 
likcljr  to  be  kept 
waitingsometime 
— for  an  answer. 
Some  are  for 
teaching  this  and 
tome  that,  but  we 
think  there  can 
be  no  doubt  in 
the  mind  of  any 
one  anxious  to 
train  up  a  child, 
that  nothing 
would  be  a  s^ 
verer  leaaon  than 
to  carry  the  in- 
fant mindthrough 
a  ref(uUr  course 
of  railway  trains 
as  indicated  in 
the  published 
Time-tables.  We 
have  had  Guides 
to  Knowledge  of  every  kind,  hnt  to  us  a  Railway  Guide  has  been 
liitherto  a  guide  to  ignorance,  for  we  have  always  ri&en  from  a  perUFal 
of  that  elaborate  work  wi'h  a  thorough  collision  in  our  brain  between 
1^1  the  Ups  and  Downs  of  Life,  from  Uie  Express  to  the  Parliamentary. 
We  begin  to  fear  that  no  one  will  ever  understand  a  Hallway  Time- 
table, uiiTe«!>  he  has  learnt  it  in  his  early  youth,  for  to  us  it  is  one  of 
the  dead  languages,  in  which  our  primsBTal  pedagogue  has  omitted  to 
instruct  us.  We  propose,  therefore,  for  ihe  beueGt  of  the  rising 
generation,  that  those  tftblea  should  be  learnt  in  time,  and  thus  the 
time  in  the  tables  may,  perhaps,  be  understood  in  the  days  of  mature 
manhood.  We  recommend  that  one  of  the  large  monthly  sheets  of 
Bradshaw  should  be  put  up  in  every  school-room,  and  that  the  twys 
should  be  divided  into  three  classes,  in  accordance  with  railwa>'  diWsion, 
for  f  he  purpose  of  studying  this  intricate  branch  of  knowledge.  We  may 
perhaps  write  an  addiiional  chapter  to  WiuciNonAM-  Keith,  or  our 
old  oriitinal  friend  Cocker,  with  the  view  of  furDi.Hhing  examples  of 
HaiUay  Arithmetic.  The  object  would  be  gained  by  sometbbg  like 
the  following : — 

Ko.  1.  If  the  fi^es  9-35,  L56-S-44  appear  opposite  the  parliamentary 
train,  9'ate  when  a  atarts,  when  ii  s:oi»s,  and  when  it  arrives. 

Nu.  S.  if  an  express  train  is  advtrtised  to  be  at  ita  destination  by 
9  o'clock,  slate  how  far  it  will  have  proceeded  on  its  journey  by  a 
quarter  post  eleven. 

No.  3.  Givn  the  possible  number  of  spoonfuls  of  a  basin  of  hot  soup 
that  can  be  swallowed  at  the  Swindon  Station. 

No.  4.  If  a  basin  of  soup  costs  one  shillinr^  how  much  is  it  per 
mouthful  for  all  that  you  have  time  to  demolish  r 

No.  5.  When  a  train  is  marked  in  the  llme-tahle  as  arriviagata 
given  place  at  a  certain  hour,  and  is  stated  in  the  same  time-table  to 
sFnrt  from  a  less  distant  place  balf-an-hour  after  ita  alleged  arrival  at 
the  more  distant  place,  how  is  the  di/Terence  accounted  for  P 

No.  6.  How  many  times  will  one  engine  go  into  three  lugKafffr' 
trucks  r 

No.  7.  If  one  third-class  carriage  is  divided  by  an  eipress  train,  what 
will  the  passengers  come  to  f 

We  might  m<i]tiply  these  instances  ad  i^^Sms/ms,  bat  we  lea^e  the 
subject  (or  the  profusional  aritbmettcians  to  umkiply. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


PUNCH'S   HAND-BOOK  TO  HER  MAJESTY'S  THEATRE. 

na  paMport  havinK  been  eited 
at  the  oarrier  bv  one  of  the 
proper  officers,  irao  are  dUtin- 
guisbed  by  no  uuifonii  but 
unirorm  politeness,  the  interior 
U  at  length  gained,  and  we  find 
ourselves  on  one  of  the  du- 
meroua  ranRRS  of  boulevards  or 
ramparts,  ihht  rncirole  the 
Great  Operatic  Capital. 

At  convenient  distanoes along 
the  whole  line  of  these  boule- 
rardi  guides  are  stationed,  who 
are  at  once  in  attendance,  to 
assist  the  traveller  in  reaohiug 
that  particular  circle  to  which 
he  brings  an  introduct  ion ;  for 
tboiU(h  an  admission  into  anv, 
implies  an  eligibility  for  all; 
ihere  is  nevertheless  a  choice 
of  circles  suited  to  the  accom- 
modation of  every  rantc  and  of 
almost  every  popitet.  Ttere  is 
in  fact,  a  tier  for  nearly  any 
station,  includini?  the  royal  tier 
—  the  upper  tiers  for  the  tiers 
etat;  and  we  have  even  seen 
on  the  distant  heights,  in  l)ie 
extreme  bock  ground  of  tlie 

Sallery^  a  row  wliich  might  be 
enomiOA'cd  Iha  Soldiers'  tier, 
from  the  occasional  military 
occupation  of  a  part  of  it  by 
the  SergeRuts  belonging  to  the 
guard  of  honour;  and  others 
in  attendance  on  the  royal 
visitura. 

The  Grand  tier  is  now  in 
our  eye,  and  Buch  a  tier  must 
not  be  unccrora  onion  sly  wiped  out  by  a  few  words  :  for  it  U  n  tier  remarkable  for  it.i  brilliaccy. 
It  coniprijirs  so  many  attractive  teaturrs,  that  the  late  lamented  OcoBOe  HOBDis  hmiself, 
whoiC  iuiamutt'ion  could  have  piled  Pelioa  upon  Osta,  Olympus  on  the  top  of  Ihat,  the 
Apennines  over  those,  with  Ben  Lomond  as  a  sort  of  Upper  Benjamin  to  cover  the  whole— 
we  repeat  that  even  this  master  of  description  would  have  found  descrip' ion  reduced  to  a 
state  of  fceggsry.  had  he  attempted  to  apply  its  resources  to  the  locality  at  which  we 
have  now  arrived,  lie  iiiii?ht  have  been  etiual  to  the  task  of  dealing  with  a  shoot  iue-box, 
or  a  liitle  box  in  the  country*  but  tven  ha  must  have  failed  in  doing  justice  to  the  boxes 
oOler  Mftjeity*s  Theatre,  lie  would  no  doubt  have  commenced  with  ''the  abode  of  royalty* 
consisting  of  the  lodge  or  loffe  of  the  Queen  herself;  but  he  must  iacvitably  have  stumbled 
at  the  threshold;  and  as  this  ungrateful  movement  would  be  quite  out  of  place  in  such  a 
scene  as  this,  we  decline  taking  any  further  on  our  trip,  a  couipanion  who  might  have  been 
thus  awkwardly  caught  tripping. 

We  prefer,  therefore,  giving  the  reins  to  our  own  Pegasui,  and  shall  at  once  dash  into 
the  middle  of  our  description  of  the  grand  tier  and  its  inhabitants.  The  chief  ornament 
of  this  circle  is  the  illuitrious  pfrsooage  after  whom  ihe  whole  locality  is  nan.ed,  and  it  is 
natural  that  Tii£  Quken  should  be,  as  it  were,  identified  with  the  theatre  of  IUh  Majestt. 
Thouj^h  the  realn.8  of  Op^ra  possess  a  Uric  throne,  which  is  invariably  occupied  by  the 
reigning  Queen  of  SoDg— to  whom  we  auall  hereafter  allude— there  is,  nevcrthelesp,  an 
imperiun  %n  impftio;  a  Sovereign  to  whom  all  the  lyrical  Queens  acknowledge  alle^ance. 
Her  present  Majesty  has  succeeded  to  the  empire  of  the  Opera  as  to  a  part  of  the  institu- 
(ioDS  that  have  grown  up  under  her  predecessors,  from  whom  they  hare  oeen  handed  down 
to  her.  It  has  been  interwoven  with  the  manners  and  customs  of  the  people  over  whom 
•be  rules,  and  whose  viiifs  to  the  delightful  regions  of  melody  contribute  much  to  the  culti- 
vation of  their  tas'.e  in  that  art,  whose  charms  are  said  to  have  the  power  of  soothing  that 
turbulent  nuisance,  "the  savage  breast,"  and,  in  fact,  converting  even  the  bears,  the  boreSj 
and  the  brutes  of  society  into  amiabl<e  members  of  a  "  happy  family." 

The  QaiXN  instead  of  rushing  tn  this  place  or  tlut  for  the  benefit  of  the  waters,  the  maladty 
either  real  or  imngina\rt,  may  prolit  bv  drinking  in  from  time  to  time  the  liquid  harmony 
that  is  continuallv  gushing  lorth,  daring  the  season,  from  the  numerous  springs  of 
melody  that  abound  in  this  enohaated  spot.  la  order  to  preserve  the  purity  and  genuine- 
ness of  the  liauid  harmony  already  mentioned,  we  may  ODservo  that  it  is  always  supplied 
through  the  coannels  expressly  adapted  by  nature  for  its  conveyance,  and  that  nolning 
in  the  shaoe  of  a  pump  is  allowed  to  remain.  We  will  not  go  so  far  as  to  say  that  no  pump 
has  been  known  in  tbese  dominions,  for  there  have  been  one  or  two  instaocei  of  the  kind ; 
but  as  the  pumps  want  supplying  constantly  wilh  succour,  to  enable  them  to  make  a 
momentary  spirt,  and  are  incapable  of  drawing,  they  at  ouce  cease  to  act,  and  are  soon  wholly 
removed.  We  are,  however,  passiag  too  rapidly  from  the  tntiabitants  to  the  productions  of 
the  place,  and  we  will  say  a  few  words  of  the  briUiant  circles  into  which  the  traveller  is  now 
introduced. 

liooking  to  the  left  on  entering,  the  traveller's  eye  will  light  on  what  may  be  termed  in 
language  suited  to  the  locality,  the  fiUa  lUaie^  or  royal  box.    When  this  is  tenanted,  the  effect 


ia  extremely  pleasing,  for  Her  Mnjesty's  Theatre, 
without  H£B  Majesty,  seems  incompletu;  and 
though  not  amounting  to  a  case  of  iJemifl  with 
the  part  of  HamUt  left  out,  there  ia  no  denying 
that  the  QrEEK  seems  never  so  thoroughly  at 
home  among  her  subjects  as  when  enjoying  witli 
them  the  same  elegant  entertainment  in  her  own 
house.  Undisturbed  by  impertinent  or  obtrusive 
curiosity,  she  has  here  an  opportunity  of  mixing 
with  her  people  witnout  the  gene  of  Court 
ctitiuette  on  Ibe  one  baud,  or  the  annoyance  of 
boiftteroiis  but  well-Keant  attentions  on  the 
other.  In  these  agreeable  regions  HfBMAJCSTT 
may  see  and  be  seen  to  the  oeat  advantage ;  for 
her  graceful  emotion  at  the  sorrows  of  Amiho. 
her  not  less  breaming  relish  for  the  humours  of 
Don  PaiqvaU,  her  hearty  laughter  at  the  fun  of 
Lablachb,  her  delicate  appreciation  of  the  de- 
licious singing  and  exquisite  acting  of  Sontao, 
her  genuine  enjovment  of  all  she  sees  and  heurs, 
are  so  many  links  between  herself  and  those 
around  her ;  who  tlnd  out  that,  though  di- 
vided  by  staliou  from  their  sovereign,  ihey  set 
in  pleasant  sympatlues  and  in  honest  impulses 
of  feeling,  very  closely  allied  to  her.  Here,  also, 
the  apecable  discovery  has  been  made  that  the 
Rofal  children  possess  the  hearty  qualities  <i 
their  mother,  for  when  the  PttlNCB  at  WaL£S 
and  the  PaufCESs  Roya.l  were  introduced  to 
the  dominion  of  Opera,  they,  like  the  Queen 
herself,  were  thrown  iuto  fits  of  laughter  by 
Lablache.  wliose  compass  of  voice  is  almost 
equal  to  his  compass  of  body,  and  who  hat  hail 
more  rral  greatness  thrust  upon  him  thtn  any 
man  alive.  No  wonder  that  every  one  should  be 
wrapped  up  in  him  when  he  is  on  the  scrne, 
and  that  attention  should  be  divided  between 
Sontag's  smiles  and  his  siKe.  We  ourselves 
liave  got  this  tremendous  object  so  completely 
into  our  eye,  that  we  must  pauie  to  take  out  this 
great  dot  from  our  eye  before  we  shall  be  able 
to  see  our  way  to  proceed  further. 


4 


Fancy  Slop-Fair. 


There  was  advcrli^ed  the  other  day  in  the 
Timet  a  "  Fancy  Bazaar,"  to  be  held  in  the  llanover 
Square  rooms,  "  for  the  benefit  of  the  Jjadics' 
Mission  to  the  Jews  at  Corfu."  The  lady-pa- 
troneascs  of  ibis  religious  Fancy  Fair  may  not 
have  known,  perhaps,  that  there  are  placet  called 
Houndsditou  and  Duke's  PUce,  rather  nearer 
to  Hanover  Square  than  Corfu,  and  containing 
altogether  perhaps  more  Jews,  whose  oonversion 
— to  any  iionest  persuasion  —  would,  like  au 
Adelpbi  melodrama,  be  "of  strong  domestic 
interest,"  instead  of  merely  concerning  foreigners. 
But  a  Fancy  Bazaar  would  be  of  more  service  to 
our  Needlewomen  than  to  our  Israelites:  and  if 
charitable  ladies  would  sell  shirts  for  ineir  in- 
digent sisters,  they  would  doubtless  obtain  prices 
for  those  manufactures  ai  fair — very  nearly— as 
themselves. 


TUS  LIST  NAUTICAL  BOXAKCB. 

Thb  Admiralty  alleges  that  there  ia  not  spaoe 
enough  in  the  ward-room  for  the  naval  assistant- 
surgeons.  Mr.  Punch  presents  his  conplimenls 
to  the  Lords  of  the  Admiralty,  and  respectfully 
recommends  them  to  tell  that  to  the  Marines. 


DEBXVATION   OF   LUXUKT. 

Feom  Imx,  tight — on  account  of  Light,  which 
is  a  neceasitv  for  cleanliness  and  health,  being 
made,  througo  the  medium  of  the  Windiw  Tax, 
an  expensive  Luxury  .which  only  the  hob  can 
afford  to  enjoy. 


"Leb  MTaTfcH£s  de  PAiUS."^Tho  gr&ateat 
mystery  of  Paris  wUl  be  Monsuua  Euofelix 
SoE*a  election  for  it. 


4 

i 
i 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


169 


iB,— T  am  t  ffrett  Onmibu*- 
Tr&veller.  bccftuae  1  am  poor, 
and  the  OmniboB  is  the  poor 
man's  carriage. 

"  These  carriagM,  how. 
erer,  are  very  far  from  per- 
fect. Amonnt  manj  other 
drawbacks,  I  will  mention 
one .  The  Ladim. 

"  I  nmintAin  that  Ladiea 
have  no  right  in  Omnibasea 
at  ail,  Thev  nerer  were  in- 
tended for  tbem,  and  at  first 
no  Lady  bad  the  face  to  Ret 
into  an  Omnibus.  She  would 
aa  soon  hare  thought  of 
walking  into  a  Divan — or  a 
BiUiard-room— or  the  Athc- 
nieura— or  anv  one  of  our 
clubs.  Omnibuses,  I  lay 
down,  were  built  for  men, 
and  by  men  they  ought  ex- 
ctasivcty  to  be  filled. 

"  At  present  Ladiea  are 
interlopers— intruders — and 
1  should  not  wonder  if  in 
time  they  do  not  make  it  a 
favour  Fo  let  us  ride  in  our 
own  Tchic'es.  As  it  is,  I 
never  gel  into  an  Omnibus 
that  I  see  fillrd  ^rith  the 
lovely  5*x.  I  could  no  more 
doit  than  I  could  passtheday 
in  Kxeter  ilall. 

"  In  the  first  place,  I  de- 
test babiea  in  any  shape — 
quiet  or  noisy.    If  they  are 
quiet,  they  plar  with  your  shirt-frill,  or  your  watch-chain— if  they  are  noisy,  they  kick  your 
bowsers  ana  clutch  your  wbitkers. 

•'  Now.  Sir,  it  is  pretty  evident,  that  if  there  were  no  Ladies  in  an  Omnibus,  there  would 
be  no  b»bie».  By  excluding  the  one,  jou  virtually  ulam  tbe  door  in  tbe  face  of  the  other.  I 
would  have  babies  pay  double  fare,  and  twins  should  not  be  admitted  at.  anv  price. 

"There  are  other  complaints,  however,  just  as  loud  as  the  babies ; — whtcli  I  do  not  object 
to,  if  they  happen  to  be  asleep,  and  you  are  not  requested  to  bold  them  on  your  lap.  But  a 
Lady  takes  up  twice  as  much  room  as  a  gentleman.  Look  at  her  dress!  What  with  her 
hoops,  and  her  flomices,  and  pelisses,  victormes,  mantalines,  crinolines,  and  a  thousand  other 
Una,  I  defy  her  not  to  take  room  for  two,  at  least.  The  consequence  is,  lewhave  to  suffer.  If 
there  are  two  Ladiea  on  the  same  side,  you  will  see  the  gentlemen  run  up  into  a  corner  at  the 
end,  packed  together  as  tight  as  a  pack  of  cards. 

"  Beaide9>.  every  Lad^  who  gets  into  an  Omnibus  has  an  inseparable  altacbment  for  a 
bundle,  a  bandbox,  a  birdcase,  and  a  parcel  of  tomo  sort  or  other,  which  ought  properly 
lo  have  gone  by  the  ParceU'  Delivery  Company.  These  parcels  are  always  in  the  gentlemen^s 
way— and  if  >ou  happen  to  put  your  foot  accidentally  into  a  bandbox,  you  are  sure  never  to 
hear  the  last  of  i^  till  you  have  left  the  Omnibus.  Bo  what  you  will  to  oblige  tbe  women, 
th«r  are  never  satisfied. 

•  Tbere  is  but  oue  remeay  for  this  s'a'e  ofjhings.  Sir,  and  with  your  leave  1  now  hasten  to 
propose  it :—         j^^^  ^^^  Ladies  hatx  ax  OmoBDS  to  xiriMsELVES  ! 

"There  are  carriages  exclusivel^r  for  the  Ladies  on  the  railways,  why  ahoold  not  tbe  same 
ayatem  be  adopted  in  the  streets  with  our  public  vehicles? 

"  The  conductor  should  be  a  Ijody— the  driver  should  be  a  Lady. 

"  The  roof  inside  might  be  ornamented  with  twhy-j ampere— or  else  tbe  roof  outside  provided 
with  cradlea — for  the  convenience  of  tbe  dear  babies. 

"  The  interior  should  he  lined  with  looking-glasses. 

"  Accommodation  might  be  given  for  knitting,  sewing,  and  croohet-work, 

"At  the  end  of  the  vehicle,  should  be  exhibited  on  an  embossed  card,  with  little  raised 
Cupids  kissing  one  another, and  tastefully  decorated  with  ribbons,  the  following  placard:— 
No  ScAifDAL  Allowed. 

"To  oreveut  disputes,  cverv  Lady  should  pay  her  fare  on  getting  in,  and  no  money  to  be 
returned  upon  the  I^ady  auadenly  discovering  she  is  going  in  an  oppoaite  direction  to  that  | 
which  she  intended. 

'  *  A  stringent  law  ahoold  be  made  that  no  Lady  is  to  keep  the  Omnibua  waiting  more  than  five 
minutes,  while  she  is  searching  in  every  pocket,  bag.  aud  re)  icule, '  for  her  change.' 

*'  Only  one  bundle  to  be  allowed  to  each  Lady. 

"  A  separate  Omnibus  to  run  every  Saturday  and  Monday,  for  the  convenience  of  washer- 
women and  tlieir  baskets. 

"  A  whole  dictionary  of  names  will  instantly  suggest  itself  for  such  Omnibuses.  There  is 
•Paradise,'  *The  Boudoir*  'Tbe  Nursery,' *  The  Parasol,'  'The  Reindeer/  'The  Bonnet- 
box/  *  The  Whispering  QRllery,*  '  The  Ladies*  Drawing  Koom,*  (for  such  it  literally  would  be,) 
and  many  more,  which  1  shall  be  happy  to  supply. 

*'  I  am  sure  such  a  vehicle  would  be  hailed  by  all  classes— but  by  the  Ladies  more  especially 
— ftt  an  immense  improvement  upon  our  present  plan  of  mixed  Omnibuaes.  It  would  be 
pleuanter  for  the  Laoies,  and  muca  more  comfortable  to  the  gentlemen.  Tbe  former  would 


■nroid  many  inaalta  isd  robberies,  and  the  latter 
a  hnndred  inconveniences  in  the  shape  of  wet 
ombreliaa,  dirty  pattens, and  teething  children,— 
jo  aay  nothing  of  being  continually  called  upon 
to  go  outside  (during  a  shower  of  raio)  to 
oblige  a  Lady.'  I  should  like  to  see  a  lady  ever 
doing  the  same  for  a  gentleman '. 

"  I  remain.  Sir, 
"  (And  intend  remaining  so  as  long  as  T  etnj 
"  Ak  OtD  Bachewjb,  JTf.  62." 


THE  SHOWMEN  OF  ST.  PAUL'S. 

AlB— "  ifo  SdetKd  towttita  MyUrp 

(7b  U  Sitng  bn  a  Vtrger;  attuUd  hy  Kit  CotieaffuM 
and  the  Oenllemen  of  the  Choir.) 

'Tothzr  day  at  the  XIansion  House  dinner 

Our  excellent  Dian  made  a  speech, 
(Ah  !  the  Church  has  do  clergyman  in  her 

That  so  melting  a  sernion  can  preach). 
Oir  brave  army  Lord  Howdew  belauded, 

BiuCiiAaLEs  Napier  our  famed  wooden  walls. 
But  ho!  rhey  weren't  half  so  applauded 
Ab  our  BfiAN.  when  be  cried  up  St.  Paul's. 
Chontt. 
Sing,  twopence  a  head  for  admission 
lo  the  Sfatues,  is  all  we  require; 
Open  daily.  S*.  Paul's  Eihibition, 
Four-ana-fourpcuce  lo  view  the  entire. 

Says  the  Dean,  "  Though  tbe  tempest  awaken ; 

Albeit  our  bark  pitch  and  lurch : 
In  the  good  ship  my  trust  is  unshaken; 

No,  I  fear  not  a  jot  for  the  Church, 
Any  more  tbau  I  do,  in  foul  weather. 

For  the  pile  over  which  I  preside.'* 
Four-and-fourpence,  says  you,  altogether  j 

Only  twopence  to  let  you  inside. 

Clon/i.— Sing,  twopence,  &C. 

Have  a  look  at  our  monuments,  ladies. 

It  is  only  a  twopenny  touch ; 
Which  when  their  aliraclions  are  weighed,  is, 

I  am  sure  you  'Q  acknowledge,  not  much. 
Ilrre  's  the  great  Dr.  Johnson  ;  John  Howabd  : 

Here 's  Lord  Nelson,  as  bold  aa  can  be ; 
Here  *8  Sir  Kalph  ABERCROMBtx- do  coward— 

For  tbe  stuatl  sum  of  twopence,  to  see. 
ChoruB. — Sing,  twopence,  &c. 

Walk  up,  gents,  to  tbe  whispering  galleries ; 

Lads  and  lasses — you  Ml  have  but  to  pay 
One  more  sixpence  towards  our  poor  suaries — 

Tberu  you 'II  bear  what  yonr  sweethearia  will 
say. 
Hoy !  Walk  up  to  the  Library,  Staircase, 

Clock,  Model  Room,  Great  Bell,  and  Ball, 
And  the  Crvpts— no,you  walk  down  in  ^AWircaae— 

Four-and-four  is  the  ticket  for  all. 
C4«K*.— Sing,  twopenccj  &c. 

Come  and  view  thia  magnificent  building 

Of  a  Cburcb,  whose  intentions  and  plana 
Are  aimed  less  at  fine  carving  and  gilaing, 

Than  to  merit  the  name  of  "  Poor  Man  a." 
Now,  all  JOU  wicked  sinners- yoho,  there ! — 

Not  worth  twopence,  staud  clear  of  the  dooTr 
And  let  up  them  good  people,  below  there. 

Wot  is  game  for  to  stand  fonr-and-four. 
CAoTM.— Sing,  twopence,  &c. 


The  I«atest  Joke  on  the  Tapis. 

DtsRAKLl  lias  been  making  merry  over  the 
minfortunes  of  Ministers.  Tbe  following  is  not 
a  bad  specimen  of  his  mirth;  he  declares'— 
"Lord  JonN  has  the  soul  of  an  old  carpet 
he  doesn't  mind  how  often  he's  beaten,  as  long 
u  he  occupies  the  floor  of  tbe  House  w 
Commons." 


I 


^^'^'- 


Farming  Uncle.  "  Yov  don't  beb  bdch  Mcck  ab  this  in  London.  Ben?" 
CbtfjhMy  Hepketo,  "  Ou,  dom*t  wh*  thougb.    Y6o  bdouu>  bee  Eaton  SqcAaii  I 


I 


I 


GOLDEN  LONDON.— A  CIVIC  SUPERSTITION, 

A.  VKiv  dnvs  Apo,  Ibe  Matob  of  Ha5Tisos  reoiprocnied  dioner  with 
the  Loarj  Mavoii  o?  Londo.v  ;  boapitalitj,  intelligeDt  and  a^reeablf). 
We  hop«  tlia'-  his  Lordship,  «re  bis  tvelvemonth's  reign  sball  oeaae, 
will  dinft  Ibroughout  EDglnnd.  llopiaif  tliis,  vp^  however,  protest 
KK&inst  tlie  presence  of  Aldehuan  Huupuskt  at  any  future  country 
featival.  The  Alderman  iSj  no  doubt,  an  excellent  man  ;  but,  to  u«e  a 
oQotntion  receuHy  employed  by  the  Loiti>  Cuief  Justick  to  Miss 
oxLLON  (and  was  eyi*r  letter  written  nobler  than  thaT,  of  plain  Lord 
John's P  so  courteous — so  gravt — so  gentlemanly — so  parental!)— 
"some  of  the  darkest  and  most  damrerous  prejmiicea  of  men  arise  from 
the  most  honouraWc  principl*??."  SuperbHtion  is  of  these— and  shock* 
ing.  and  very  daQgerous,  however  amiable  in  its  intentions,  is  the 
■uporsiitiou  enounced  br  Ai^deuhan  Humpuert  to  the  fcuileleas, 
beliering  dcuizena  of  Hastings;  who,  when  they  had  drunk  "  tht* 
Corporation  of  London,"  were  addressed  bv  the  pride  of  London's 
Aldermen,  HuupnEUTS,  saying  these  dark,  beuiKhted  words :  — 
"Country  people  and  yoang  people  arc  taught  that  when  fhey  visit 
liOndon  thev  will  fiud  the  street*  paved  with  fiold.  It  is  tbdb  !  The 
streets  of  tuat  great  city  a&k  fayed  witu  gold,  and  you  have  proof 
to-day  that  any  man  who  goes  to  London  will  find  it  so,  whose  course 
IB  marked  by  industry,  honour,  and  religion." 

Oh  I  IIuMpHERY,  and  i»  this  really  tnie?  Is  it  a  greati.  lustrous 
fisot,  or  only  so  much  moonshine  P  Arc  Cheapside  tUfts  f^ld,  bright, 
((littering  gold  to  any  mam  who,  commanding  the  Kicheniio  a^rcnta  of 
industry,  honour,  and  religion,  may  ohooes  to  truDsmute  the  graoite 
into  virgin  metal?  Are  industry,  honour,  and  religion  invariably  the 
8uccR»8iul  graces  of  life,  upraiaiug,  crowuiug,  and  cherishing  their 
votary  and  btlieverP  Docs  induslrv  never  failP  U  the  Oasette  in- 
Tariably  the  pillory  of  the  sluggard  r  Does  no  one  oxo'>pt  rhe  knave 
Bta&d  abashra  in  basinghall  Street?  Is  it  tho  Feoffor  alone  whose 
want  of  faiih  is  punished  with  want  oT  goods?  Mav  any  man — 
judieioutand  pro*pemns  Hl'UPUfbv— endue  tumself  with  the  mir^iv^r 
of  the  Alderman P  Do  industry,  honour,  and  reUgion  »Loue  ofliciAllj 
qiuff  punch  and  lap  turtie  in  the  Hall  of  KgyptP 

Think  again,  oh  Alderman !  In  the  lagAcious  exorcise  of  vour  magis- 
terial functions,  there  must  at  some  tiiite  have  stood  at  GuiIdtiAll  bar,  a 
siiaerable  man,  foiled  in  bb  best  attempts  at  work— a  man  with  purest 
oharaoter — a  man,  whose  unconj^laining  patience  under  sliarpest  misery, 
betokened  that  Christian  faith  in  the  future  that  half-vanquisbtrd  ti>e 
temble  prc»*>nt.  This  man  wanta  food;  tiie  shf'lter  of  a  roof;  the 
di*oenoy  of  covering  against  the  bone&t  sense  of  shame  as  c^gainat  the 
elements.  Ajid  yet  it  is  his  own  sin  that  makes  him  a  wretch ;  it  U 
his  o«n  inherent  want  of  Kood  qualities  that  dcgraties  him  to  a  oauper. 
There  are  London  atones — and  ne  wdl  mjt  help  hiunelf.  AJI  London 
AJdermea  are,  more  or  less,  alchemists ;  but  tJie  Gaildhall  knave  has 


no  powers  of  projection ;  he  is  a  penniless  outcast,  because  he  haa 
neither  industry,  nor  honour,  nor  religion ! 

This  is  the  superatitioa  of  anccrss— a  superstition  too  frequently 
written  in  a  cheque-book.  With  some  men,  the  great  account  of 
human  Ufo  is  the  acoount  at  theif  bankers. 


GOVERNMENT   PAPERS. 

Rl-llKW. 


Aitened  Taxe9. — 1850-5L  Return  for  ike  Attemneni  of  the  YiHtr  1850. 
erfiinif  5/4  Apnl,  1S51,  on  ArUclf*  kept  between  htk  April,  1849,  and 
(ylh  Apriij  1350.    London.    Governtuent. 

Wk  have  perused  and  re-penined  this  annual  issue  of  the  GovEnN- 
MENT  Press,  with  jtainful  Retention,  a*,  unfortunately,  we  are  boand 
to  do  under  a  penalt}*  of  Fifty  Foitnus.  our  liability  to  which  in  case 
of  misunderstanding  anv  part  of  it.  is  almost  the  only  part  of  it  that 
we  can  understand  at  all.  Order  is  out  of  thequestion  in  the  attempt 
to  criticise  the  pancr  before  us;  we  must  silt  the  masa  of  rubbish 
anyhow.  Under  the  head  of  "No.  3"  you  are  required  to  stat'? 
ihe  names  of  '*  Male  persona  occaiionally  employed  as  S  rvants," 
br  you,  "where"  («>.)  "you  are  not  cliatKeaole  for  a  Servaul 
No.  1,  or  for  any  Carriage,  or  for  more  than  one  Horse  for  riding, 
&c."  If  you  pay  your  greengrocer  to  come  and  wait  at  fable  two  or 
three  times  a  year,   wnen  you  give  a  dinner-party,   is  he  a  *'MaIe 

Eerson,  occasionally  employed  as  a  Servant  P*'  If  you  are  to  return 
im  as  such,  in  case  you  are  not  chargeable  for  more  than  one  horse, 
nmst  you  do  so,  supposing  you  are  not  chargeable  for  a  bors*  at  all  P 
Then  what  is  the  meaning  o^  "  One  Horse  for  riding,  &c.  ?  "  Mark  the 
punctuation.  "One  Horse,  &c.,"  would  seem  to  meau  thp  hors**  and  hia 
sarldle.  b'idle,  and  s'irrups.  From  horses  we  will  take  allying  leap  over 
— but  oy  no  means  c'earini? — various  blunders,  to  dogs.  We  are  called 
upon  to  give  a  *'  Descriplioa  where  only  one  is  kept,  not  being  a 
Greyhound."  Many  a  dog,  not  bring  a  greyhound,  but  a  pujr,  or  a  Oet 
Hpauiel,  is  ke*pl  on  the  lap  and  the  hearth-rug.  ShouJd  the  besrth-rug 
and  the  lap  be  described  as  the  localities  "where"  the  dog  is  kept  P  ll 
the  dog'a  breed,  not  it^  abode,  ii  to  be  the  subj'*ot  of  description, 
learning  in  dogstlesh  may  \it  needful.  An  esteenied  ncquaintauce  of 
our  own  ])Msei«e8  a  canine  favourite,  pronounced  by  the  testimony  of 
concurrent  Scotj  to  be  a  Skrc  terrier.  Certain  Sou'heni — not  to  say 
Metropolitan  friends  of  his, tell  him  'hat  the  animal  is  a  French  poodle. 
Terriera— Skie  or  simpin  —  are  subject  to  the  heavier  dutv.  Thia 
gentleman,  of  course,  will  not  return  his  dog  a«  a  terrier  till  he  is  oon- 
»ciL'ntioualy  convinced  tliat  it  ia  one.  We  would  recommend  them  to 
revise  not  only  their  tax-papera.  but  their  whole  ayBtem  of  tAxation. 
This  is  their  buaineas;  and  if  they  cannot  do  it.  they  bad  belter  K!?e 
place  to  some  abler  Brm. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


m 


A  BIT  OF  MY  MIND, 


BIT  THE  SECOND, 

Bzmo  A  BIT  or  MBa.  mouseb's  poutica, 

AtTifT  PlACOCK,  who  WM  ncTwr  wronf?.  wa»  never  more  rinht  than 
when  she  laid— aad  iiow  1  remember  the  naj  !  It  was  before  1  married 
MousKR;  and  it  was  the  first  time  he  had  ever  leen  nie  eh^d  ft  tc^r, 
and  reaUy  he  Keem«d  as  proad  of  it  as  if  it.  had  been  a  diamond  of  the 
purest  water— which  of  course  it  wa«,  coming  as  it  did  from  a  young, 
a  loviDfT.  and  a  mnideQ  heart,  and  it  beinff  dropped  for  Uim,  he  was 

f|ui'«  conceited  about  it,  when  aunt  Peacock. — and  1  Khali  n^rer 
orget  her  solemn  countwiaooe— said,  "Amelia,  >nu  foolish  thing! 
where  *b  your  proper  pride  ?  Couldn't  tou  see  'Uat  Alfred  "—that  'a 
Mo08Eii*s  Chri3tiau  name,  and  it  isn't  for  me,  n^fer  lhe«ie  years,  to  say 
it's  a  naoic  too  noble  for  hlin,  which  aun^  Pkacock.  I  remember, 
oncft  hoped  it  wam't— "coutdn'C  you  see  that  th«  crpaiiire,  when  tou 
would  in  that  headlong  manner  drop  a  tear  because  he  wohU  be  jealous 
of  youDR  TAioaNCTOX,  not  that  he  felt,  any  more  real  jealLJUsy  than  thn 
lion's  head  upon  the  knocker— eouldn't  you  see  that  he  was  ttuito 
proud  of  your  trouble  P  That  upon  that  ous  tear  he  stood  at  leaal  six 
inches  higher  P " 

No;  1  couldn't  sec  if. :  for  1  was  then  young— not  that  I  mean  to 
say  I  am  old  at  this  momenf ;  crrtainly  not:  1  should  sar  quite  the 
reverse;  as  I  gave  Mr.  Mouseh  himself  to  understaad  only  yester- 
day, when,  looking  at  my  new  gown,  he  took  it  upon  himself  to  wonder 
what  colour  it  was. 

"  Why,"  said  I,  "  my  dear,"  believing  he  felt  all  the  pride  it  is  a 
husband's  dury  tn  feel,  wli^-n  he  sees  the  wife  of  his  bosom  in  anything 


liiid#— MUbbed,  neglected,  Mtoi  to  tes  and  muffins,  anythlnfrto  be  got  rid 
of?  This  is  the  way  the  men  have  ruled  the  world  ever  since  Ihry  first 
put  their  foit  in  it,  never  §o  much  as  letting  the  women  call  their  soula 
their  own  property;  and  in  many  places — for  it's  dreadful  to  look  at  a 
globe  (I  tiare  one  in  the  parlour),  and  to  turn  it  over  and  over,  and  see 
what  little  specks  there  are,  no  more  than  I  may  say  pins'-points  in  that 
tUirt^'-six-inch  globe,  whereupon  woman  has  any  rights  at  alt— though, 
gracious  knows !  she  has  n?xt  to  none  here.  To  he  sure,  in  Chriatiau 
countries,  the  men  Inuah  at  us— for,  m  I've  often  told  Mocshr,  1  know 
thev  dou*t  mean  i  — hueh  at  u-,  and  call  us  their  better  halves. 
"Better  halves,"  said  aunt  Feacock  once— the  had  been  talking  ol 
Turkey,  where  every  man,  she  *aid,  lived  by  a  flowing  river,  with  a 
sack  in  the  house— "if  we're  Only  better  halves  here,  what  are  the 
poor  things  in  Constantinople  P  Of  course,  a  man— 1  mean  au  Otto- 
man, or  some  monster  of  the  sor' — a  man  with  eight  wives  hardly 
oonsiilcrs  'em  his  better  siiteentht !  " 

I  do  dccUre  wiirn  1  sonietunes  k)ok  a*;  that  tbirly-aix-inoh  globe — it 
waa  a  birtti-dav  gift  the  first  rear  I  Ictt  achool;  but  I  was  simple  and 
trusting,  and  by  no  mt-ans  looked  at  the  globe  with  the  same  cycn  I  do 
now— when  1  sometimes  consider  it  and  twirl  it  rouml  and  rouud,  now 
looking  at  Jamaica,  and  weeping  for  my  bUck  fistiirs.  and  now  at 
Circassia,  and  dropping  a  tear  for  mv  white  ones,  ami  now  a^  North 
America,  and  heaving  a  vigh  for  the  dear  red  daugh'era  of  our  first 
ill-used,  and,  as  1  really  believe,  persecuted  mother — for  after  all, 
who  can  say  what  she  had  to  p\iL  up  wi'h,  with  no  witnease* 
by?— when,  1  say,  1  consider  the  globe  in  this  manner,  and  think 
of  the  poor  souls  the  women  upm  ili — there's  the  dear  £xauiuiaux 
things  that,  as  I  am  credibly  informed,  go  seal-fishing,  while  their 
iazv  husbands  do  nothing  but  stop  at  hom^  drinkmg  peacb-brandy 
and  smoking  pig-tail  tobacco— when  1  consider  this,  as  1  do  when 
MousEH— that  ford  of  the  creation— is,  for  what  J  know,  playing 
at  bdliards — 1  am  tlie  more  and  more  determined  that  thnworlacau 


new— not  that  1  believe  Mousek  would  aomelimcs  notice  me  (but  then, 

to  be  sure,  it's  all  his  (tri?r»vation)  if  I  was  to  go  lUte  the  Queen  of  i  ?iever  be  put  right,  until  women  take  it  into  their  own  hands,  and  roll 

1*8  feathers — "  why/*  said  1    *'  ^^^^^  ^^'^^^  ^''^  hearts !  And  this  is  what  ' 


the  Qold  Coast,  in  glass  beads  and  cockatoo' 
*'  what  do  you  think  the  calojir  is  P" 

Then  he  shook  his  head  as  if  he  didn't  care  to  gnesa.  "  Look  at  it," 
said  Tj  "isn't  it  beautiful  P  Well  then,  the  colour  is  this — quite  a 
new  thmg— peach-blossoms  shot  with  silver-grey." 

"Indeed!''  said  MousER,  and  I  could  see  his  face  twitch,  and  the 
comera  of  his  mouthcrispupas  they  always  do  when  anything  wicked's 
coming  from  him — and  sometimes — not  that  I  wish  to  say  anything 
against  Mouser— sometimes  he  cares  no  mote  for  people's  feelings, 
than  a  wild  boar  cares  for  a  rose-bush. 

"Indeed,"  said,  he,  " peach-bloseoma  shot  with  silver-grey!  Very 
proper;  and  quite  luiling  your  time  of  life,  MJ4.  MoosBtt;  for  you 
know,  my  dear," — for  that 's  the  way  he  sometimes  covers  the  sting  with 
the  hoin'V— "you  know  thaf  your  peach -blossoms,  ilOt  but  what  yon  're 

ftood-lookiug  still " — whereupon  I  told  him  to  keep  his  compliments  to 
limself ;  I  want-ed  nonu  of 'cm— "you  know  my  darling  "-and  some- 
times, when  he's  in  tha*.  humour,  he'll  skip  from  dear  to  darling,  and 
perhaps  to  angel  afore  you  can  look— "you  know,  my  bird  of  Paradise, 
that  your  peach-bloBsonis  have  long  since  been  shot  with  ailver-grey; 
deod  shot.  I  should  say,  and  no  recovery." 

Now,  there  was  a  time,  when,  at  only  a  syllable  of  this.  I  should  have 
gone  to  my  room,  and  cried.  But,  1  flatter  myself,  I  have  pu'  down  that 
weakness  with  a  hand  of  adamant.  No:  fori  have  treasured  and  im- 
proved upon  the  words  of  dear  aunt  Peacock.  **  Women,  Amelia," 
aaid  Uist  dear  soul  to  me.  "  women,  like  the  lordly  elephant*,  are  mode 
what  they  are  by  men  only  for  tnis  reason ;  the  foolish  creatures  don't 
know  their  own  s'rength.  Nature  has  done  everything  for  'em,  and 
th;y  will  throw  themselves  away— they  woa'fc  do  anything  for  theni- 
selyes.  All  the  world's  at  tiieir  feet,  and,  instead  of  makiuic  the  most 
of  it  for  their  own  advanta^  and  their  own  comfort,  what  do  they  do  P 
Why,  they  take  the  world  in  their  two  hands,  if  I  may  ro  sav  it,  and 
give  it  away  from  'em  witli  themselves  int^  the  bargain.  Thev  put 
chains  upon  their  own  wrists,  aod— well,  I 'va  no  patience  with'em— 
and  think  slavery  becomca'em.  If  they  only  knew  their  o»n  strength, 
wouldn't  they  c>it  the  cards  and  piav  the  game  a  li'*le  differently! 
Yea,  ye«.  my  dear,"- poor  aunt  Peacock  would  sav—"  ever  since  that 
first  apple  was  bit,  haven't  the  men,  out  of  verv  spite,  always  kept  the 
sunny  side  of  the  iiippm  to  themselves  P"  And  it  'a  true— a  truth,  as 
I  say  to  MousBit,  bitter  as  aloes. 

However,  for  the  lime  the  world's  going  to  last,  it's  quite  worth 
mending  it,  and  it  *a  my  opinion— and  I  'm  quite  prepared  to  be  laugtted 
at,  gracious  knows!  I've  been  pretty  well  »e*»oned  to  that  byMoL'SEU: 


IN 


not  t hit  [  would  speak  against  Mouber;  it  doesn't  b.-comr  me,  though 
his  jokes,  as  ho  calls  'em,  have  no  respect  for  his  wife,  'specially  the  wite 


ve  been  to  him— it 's  my  opinion,  that,  if  the  world  is  to  be  mended 
ftt  all,  it 's  the  women  on'y  that  can  properly  do  it.  Doesn't  it  stand 
^  "     Here  have  the  men  been  having  the  world  to  themselves 

and  thousands  of  vears — all  to  thennelvcs,  as  if  tbo  world 
"."  ,,>  i.ioro  than  a  bowl  of  punch,  ladling  on*:  all  the  good  of  it  for 
ttieir  own  pleasure— and  pretty  orcalurei  tncy  've  oftoji  shown  them- 
•elTes,  when  they've  got  more  of  the  good  than  ha-i  really  been  good 
Cor   em — ladling  out  as  much  ai  they  uked,  and  the  poor  women  put 


I  remarked  to  MocsBii  and 
—no,  I  won't  bay,  for  wliatcver  his  faults  are.  still  he 's  my  husband : 
and  I  took  him  with  hi*  faults,  though  I  mav  be  allowed  to  observe,  ii 
I  bad  thought  he  'd  had  half  the  number  I'd  have  seen  bim  nc*^  at  the 
altar  before  I — but  however,  women — at  least  up  to  this  time,  were 
made  t^o  sufi'er,  &nd  I  strain  every  ainew,  I  may  say,  to  amile  at  my  late. 
But — it 's  not  goiuK  to  last. 

I  have  been  to  Parliament — into  the  Ter7  House  of  Comffloni.  I  told 
MousER  I  would,  and  I  *ve  done  it. 

Well,  the  hypocrisy  of  men  all  over  the  world,  'specially  the  civiliaed ; 
for,  after  ail.  the  savages  are  really  and  truly  more  of  the  gentlemen. 
They  mean  what  they  say  towards  the  ser,  and  act  up  to  it ;  they  don't 
call  the  suffering  creatures  lilies,  and  roses,  and  angels,  and  ieweb  of 
life,  and  then  treat  'em  as  if  they  were  weeds  of  I  he  world,  ana  pebblea 
of  the  highway.  But  with  civilized  nations- as  I  Qmg  it  at  AIouser— 
thoy  all  of  'em  make  women  the  sign-post  pictures  of  everything  that  'a 
beautiful,  and  behave  to  the  dear  originals  as  if  they  were  bora 
simpletons. 

"Lx>k  at  Liberty,  Ma  Mouser,"  aaid  I,  "Well,  rou  want  to 
muke  Liberty  look  as  lovely  as  it  can  be  done,  and  what  do  you  doP 
Why  you're  obliged  to  come  to  woman  for  the  only  beautiful  Liberty 
that  will  serve  you.  You  paint  and  stamp  Liberty  as  a  woman,  and 
then— but  it 's  so  like  you— then  you  won't  suffer  so  much  as  a  single 
pjttiooat  to  takr:  htr  seat  in  the  House  of  Commons. 

"And  next,  Mousca"— for  I  would  be  heird— "  and  next,  yon  want 
the  figure  of  Justice.  Woman  again  I  There  ahs  is,  with  hor  batanoe 
aod  Bword,  as  the  sort  of  pnblic-house  sign  for  law.  but— is  a  poor 
woman  allowed  to  wear  false  hair,  and  put  a  black  gown  upon  her  oac^, 
and  so  much  as  once  open  her  mouth  in  the  Queen  s  Bencn  ?  May  she 
put  a  tippet  of  ermine  on  herself — may  she  even  find  herself  in  a  Jury? 
t)li,  no :  you  can  paint  Justice,  and  cut  her  in  stone,  but  you  never  ut 
the  Door  thing  say  a  syllable. 

"but  that's  the  way.  Mouser— and  I  will  go  on— that's  the  way  we 
are  handed  about  the  world  in  sixns:  to  be  looked  at  and  talked  about, 
and  ther^  an  end.  What  woulaEoglan  I  da  without  a  woman  with  « 
three-pronged  fork  to  protect  it  P  They  call  BeitaNnia— [  have  he-ard 
you  do  if.  and  don't  deny  it — ihe  genius  of  the  oountry.  Poor  loul!  if 
that's  ro  be  a  genius,  to  be  talked  of  and  sung  about,  and  not  to  haYc 
a  morsel  of  risht,  if  that's  to  be  a  genius — 

"  But— I  tell  you— 1  hare  been  in  the  House  of  Commons.  And  I 
will  say  this.  I  went  up  into  the  nailery  with — no,  I  won't  at  the  present 
tell  you  ray  feelings.  But  I  ip»7/ jay  this.  How  our  good  QuxES—^nd 
if  I'd  my  way  there  sbould'i't  hi  another  Kinj?  in  the  world;  no,  they 
should  al  bo  Quccn*.  like  Qi-en  Liberty,  Queen  Jujtice.  Queen Merc/- 
and  so  forth— how  our  gooa  QuBEt*,  after  the  times  she 'a  looked  at  th« 
Parliament,  and  after  the  speeches  she's  made  to  them — hoir  she  muat 
loo^  down  upon  the  Lords  (I  mean  of  the  creation)  of  the  Parliajient 
assembled." 

Upon  this  matter,  however,  you  shall  have  more  than  A  Bit  or  M» 
Miao. 

Youn  to  continue, 
Tke  HoMeiftuckle4,  Ajusua  MoubxE. 


^S.«i.  ■»>. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


I 


A  JUTENILE   TEACHER   ON   EDUCATION. 

A(«rlMiii«ra.— LirrtB  Bor  and  1Cid»l»>aovd  GmtrrLMMj,}!, 

B  b«gio  call  the  altenfioTi 
of  tbe  House  of  Com- 
mons to  the  following; 
mtercatiog  dialogue  :— 

Liifif  Boy.  Piease,  Papa, 
what  are  you  reading,  Papa? 
MiddUaged QentUmaH.  The 
speeches  in  Parliament,  my 
little  man  ;  att  about  educating 
the  millions  of  poor  little  boys 
and  gtrls  who  can't  read  and 
wri'e,  and  don't  know  their 
A,  B,  0,  nor  the  difference  be- 
tween right  and  wrong. 

LittU  Boy.  Why  don't  thdr 
Papas  and  Alammas  have  them 
taught,  Papa  ? 

MiddUaged  Qentleman,  My 
dear,  because  Ihey  have  do 
kind,  good,  Papas  and  Mainmaa 
like  you.  Some  of  their  parents 
are  too  poor,  and  some  too 
carelcM  and  indifferent. 

LittUBoy  Then,  Papa,  why 
doesn't  the  Queen  order  them 
to  be  sent  to  school? 

Middle- aged  Gentleman.  Ha! 
her  MuesTY  would  be  only 
^00  happy,  if  she  could;  but 
Parliament  can't  Rgrec  to  let 
her. 
LittU  Boy,  Wby not. Papa? 
Middie-agid        Gentietnan. 
Why,  you  see,  my  dear.  Par- 
lisment  is  made  up  of  gentlemen  that  belong  to  different  relieiouf,  and  not  one  of 
them,  except  a  few,  will  rote  for  any  jchool  unless  liis  own  rtligion  is  taugbt  in  it. 
So  the  poor  liUle  girls  and  boyi  cAa't  be  taught  anything  because  the  sects  can't 
settle  their  differences. 
IMiU  Boy.  What  differences,  Papa  P 

MiddU-cged  Genthman.  1  can't  explain  them  to  you.     You  oooldn't  understand 
them.    They  don't  signify  to  little  boys  of  your  age. 
Li(tU  Boy.  Then,  Papa,  what  do  they  sigoify  to  the  poor  little  boys  and  girls? 
MiddU-aged  Gentlman.  Eh?— why— a— jiwt  so— that  is— never  mind.    You'll 
know  one  of  these  days. 
lAtiU  Boy.  But  what  becomes  of  the  poor  boys  and  girls.  Papa  ? 
MiddU-cged  Gentleman.  Why,  they  plunder  and  steal,  and  then  they  are  taken  up, 
and  imprisoned  and  whipped,  and  by-and-by  transported,  and  at  last  some  of  them 
banged— all  because  Ihey  haven't  been  taught  their  duty  like  you,  and  know  no 
bet.r*r. 
UttU  Boy.  How  cruel !     If  they  don't  know  better,  whose  fault  is  it,  Papa? 
JUidd/eaged  Oenileman.  Nobody's  in  particular.    It  is  because  Society  can  t  agree. 
Utile  Boy.  Who  is  Society,  Papa? 

Middle-aged  QentUman.  Society— eh  ?— why — oh !     Everybody,  my  boy. 
UUle  Boy.  Then  I  think,  Papa,  it  is  the  fault  of  Everybody^  and  I  think  Every- 
body  is  very  wicked,  and  will  never  be  happy  till  be  can  make  bis  miod  up,  and  send 
the  poor  children  to  school. 
Middle-aged  OentUman.  'Pon  my  word,  my  little  boy,  I  believe  you  are  right. 


A  WINDY   SHINDY 


,  Dublin  was  visited  tbe  other  day  with  such  a  hurricane  as  baa  not  been  known 
since  the  days  when  the  winds  blew  and  cracked  their  cheeks  on  Dover  Cliff,  and 
BoBJUA  split  his  sides  in  wild  guffaws  a',  the  expense  of  poor  old  Leak.  It  is  said 
that  thirty  thousand  pounds'  worth  of  windows  have  oeen  smashed,  and  it  has 
become  a  privilege  to  be  allowed — after  an  appointment  of  several  days'  stauding — an 
audience  of  vour  glazier.  The  Duhlin  tradesmen  dedaro  loudlv  that  the  breexe  has 
been  raised  by  tbe  rumour  of  the  approaching  abolition  of  Ine  Vice-Royalty,  and 
that  this  blow  to  their  trade  has  been  appropriately  produced  by  the  blowing  out 
of  their  windows  Those  who  are  always  busying  tnemselves  about  "What's  in 
(he  wind  P  "  are  now  told  that  indignation  at  the  breaking  up  of  an  imitation  Court 
was  decidedly  in  the  wind  during  the  late  tempest.  We  don't  see  why  Bo&kas 
should  give  himself  such  airs  about  a  sensible  resolution  of  the  Government,  but  we 
cannot  he  surprised  at  tbe  Prince  of  Puffers  taking  up  the  cause  ol  the  tradesmen 
of  the  Irish  Metropolis,  who  are,  no  doubt.,  quite  as  adroit  as  their  London  brethren 
in  the  advertising  arts,  carta,  and  sciences. 


THE  WHIPPER-IN'S  LAMENT. 
(By  Loud  M— bc— b  H— ll.) 

My  first  employ  was  a  light-weight  boy. 

With  the  Parliament  Pack  to  ride; 
And  the  runs  I*ve  had,  as  I  stetred  my  prad 

At  old  Billy  'Olsies's  aide ! 

Ob.  he  WDS  the  man,  when  wild  they  ran, 

To  tsil  his  dogs  borne  in  a  crack ; 
No  odds  scent  or  weather,  he  kept  them  together, 

Oa  his  hard-monthed  Treasury  hack. 

No  hound  so  young  could  e'er  give  tongue. 
When  he  »^uld\%*  run  close  and  mum. 

But,  with  lash  or  look,  Billt  brought  him  to  book. 
And  the  babbiingest  dog  was  dumb ! 

The  scent  might  be  shy,  the  fox  run  sly, 

Or  have  earthed  in  awkward  ground. 
But  at  hand  for  a  cast,  wiih  the  Held  hard  and  fast^ 

Old  Billy  was  safe  to  bo  found ! 

All  covers  he  'd  draw  and  too  much  law 

No  fox  got  where  Billt  came ; 
No  matter  what  scent  crossed  the  line  Ihey  went. 

He  kept  the  pack  to  their  game. 

And  to  crown  tlie  run,  when  tbe  sport  wa^  done. 

You  was  safe  a  death  to  see, 
And  the  nobs  they'd  tip  tbe  jolly  old  whip. 

And  Billy  wam't  proud— not  he ! 

And  I  'd  bet  a  pol,  he  'arued  all  he  got. 

For  never  was  whipper-in 
Had  a  band  more  neat,  or  a  better  seat, 

'Ardcr  mouth  or  thicker  skin. 

But  now  a  poor  whip  there 's  none  to  tip, 

All  we  gets,  it  is  'ard  knocks- 
Our  kennel  and  breed  ia  a  runniu'  to  seed. 

And  we  never  kills  a  fox ! 

Then  there 's  IjOBD  Joitk,  in  the  days  that  *a  gone 

Well  in  the  front  he  showed. 
Never  craned  or  shied,  but  in  bis  stridep 

Took  wot  came  in  his  road. 

But  now,  I  'm  blest,  if  I  ain't  dislrest, 

His  conduc'  for  to  see ; 
At  everr  ditch,  it 's  a  baulk  or  hiteb, 

Which  didn't  use  to  be. 

And  the  old  Wliig  pack,  thro'  bein'  'anted  alack. 

Are  wild  as  gipsy  curs ; 
Off  after  a  cow,  or  a  sheep— bow-wow — 

Or  an  'edge  *og  in  the  hitm. 

For  rating  or  thong,  I  may  lay  it,  ding-dong, 

About  I  heir  flanlts  and  ears. 
They  don't  care  a  rap ;  ten  to  one  they  Ml  snap 

At  me  when  I  interferes  ! 

Four  runs  last  week,  home  we  did  sneak. 

Without  a  single  kill ! 
And  Lord  Johk  on  Wtndert,  SiBCoAiLLEa  on  Siampt, 

Both  'ad  an  awful  spill ! 

What 's  to  come  of  the  'ounds  tha'.  'a  broken  bounds, 

And  wild  across  country  roam. 
I  'aven't  a  guess  to  my  back,  unless 

Young  Ben  he  chivies  *em  'ome. 

Once  dogs  was  dogs,  but  now,  by  Gogs, 

I  think  they  '11  soon  begin 
To  break  their  tethers,  mount  tops  and  Icethere, 

And  'unt  the  whipper-in ! 


Thb  TaiBUVAL  or  MADVBas.- The  Court  of  Chancenr  should  be  called,  simply, 
tbe  Court  of  Lunacr.  Its  jurisdiction  extends  over  all  luoatics,  and  none  out 
lunatics  ever  think  of  going  to  law  in  it 


Tbe  Old  Paths. 

NoncB  has  appeared  in  the  Qafotd  Journal  for  tfaedosiDg 
of  forty-six  footpaths — short  cuts  through  pleasant  meadows 
round  stately  Oxford  !  We  call  upon  that  ▼cnerable  Univer- 
sity, which  is  so  fond  of  the  old  paths  when  they  lead  to 
Home,  or  away  from  iniprovemcnt,  in  the  worcfs  of  her 
favourite  maxim,  "tiare  ntper  anttq^aa  viai"  or,  in  plain 
\  English,  **  to  stand  up  for  the  old  roads  "  on  this  oocasiou. 


mm 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    PROSER. 

ESaATB  AM)  DiaCOURSES  BY   DR   SOLOMON  PACIFICO. 
Uv-ON   THE  PLEASURES  OF  BEING   A  FOGY. 


^^^^r  /^n  vyrP\     ^^  ***"  beautiful  Serpentine  River 

^  V^  \Jf  Jf^     upon  my  excellent  friend  Hbavy- 

^B  J  W  W  //  i       «ii>e'»  Rrey  CD^.  ^^  *^  coit  jMiTiy 

^n  i  A /A  //  n      of    llie    gullftnt    and   a^rckme 

Augustus  Toplady,  a  caniage 
bussed  from  which  looked  out  a 
face  of  such  remarkable  beauty, 
that  Augustus  and  myself  quick- 
ened our  puCC  to  folow  Ibe  ve- 
bicie,  and  to  keep  for  _  awhile 
those  charminjf  features  in  view. 
My  beloved  and  unknown  younR 
friend  who  peruw  these  lincs^  it 
waa  verv  likely  your  face  which 
attracted  your  humble  arrvant; 
recollect  whether  you  wf-re  not 

rll^Wifc^  'iHAwarH^milllllll        ^'^  ^***  ^*'"^  "P*^"^  '^^'^  ^^'^  ^  allude 
uMnnllllllflnHn  iflilH I        ^^*  ^"^  ^^  ^^^  were,  whom  else 
MplB^^^BBm ^IBS  I         could  I  mean  but  yon?    I  don't 
I^^^^^HI^^T ^U  ii        know  your  came;    I  have  for- 
illli/f -fej^JHIIIll  Kr  MlWiinP      goMen  the  arms  on  the  carriage. 
Ill  tf  ntflM^MBJMlHWlF^^     Of  whether  there  were  any ;  and 
^C^U^H^BHjHJ^^^^      as  for  womcD'a  dresfes,  who  can 
^  M^^^Hj^^  remeiober  them  P  but  your  dear 

^^      •^     ^^^^^        kind  countenance  was  so  pretty 
* — -^  .      ir  and  gocd-hunioured  and  plrasant 

to  look  ar,  that  it  remains  to  thia 
day  faithfully  engraven  on  my  heart,  and  1  feel  sure  that  you  areas  good 
as  you  are  handsome.  Almost  all  handsome  women  are  Kood:  tbey 
cannot  choose  but  be  Kood  and  gentle  with  those  swcer.  fra'ures  and 
that  cbarniinff  grRCeful  figure.  A  day  in  which  one  sees  a  very  pretty 
woman  sbouLd  always  be  noted  as  a  liolvday  with  a  man,  and  marked 
with  a  white  stone.  In  this  way,  and  at  this  staion  in  London,  to  be 
Burr,  such  a  day  comes  seven  times  m  the  week,  and  our  CAlendar,  hke 
that  of  the  Bontan  Catholics,  is  all  Saints'  days. 

ToPLADT,  then,  on  his  chcsnut  horse,  with  his  gUss  in  his  eye,  and 
the  lips  of  lu»  shiny  boots  just  loucbin?  the  stirrup,  and  your  slave,  Ihe 
present  wn'ter,  (who  by  the  way  is  rather  better  and  younger  looking 
than  the  designer  has  nuule  him)  rode  afler  your  carriage,  and  looked  at 
you  wi'h  sucu  notes  of  admiratioa  cxprested  in  their  eves,  that  you 
remember  you  blushed,  you  smiled,  and  then  began  to  talk  lo  (hat  very 
nice-looting  elderly  lady  in  tho  front  seat,  who  of  course  was  your 
Uamma.  .  lou  turned  out  of  the  ri-le— it  was  time  to  go  hume  and 
dre»s  for^innrr — tou  were  gone.  Guod  luck  go  wuh  you,  and  with 
aU  fair  ihiugs  wLich  tlius  come  and  pass  away! 

Top  CBiifcd  h»  horse  to  cut  all  sorts  of  absurd  capers  and  caracoles 
by  the  ride  of  your  carriage.    He  made  it  dance  upon  two  legs,  then 
upon  other  two,  then  as  if  he  would  jump  over  the  railings  ard  crush 
I      thft  admiring  nuraerv-maids  ami  ihe  rest  of  the  iufantry.    1  should 
I     think  he  got  his  animal  from  Battt's,  and  that,  at  a  crack  of  Widui- 
^^S     comb's  whip,  he  could  dance  a  quadrille.      He  ogled,  he  smiled,  he 
^H     took  off  his  bat  to  a  Countess's  carriage  that  happened  ^o  be  passing 
HH     in  the  other  line,  and  so  showed  his  hair;  he  grinned,  be  kiiscd  his  little 
■       *     finger-tips  and  tiung  them  about  as  if  he  would  shake  iheni  off— 
whereas  the  other  parlr,  on  the  grey  cob— the  old  gealleman— pow- 
dered aloug  at  a  resolute  iro/,  and  never  once  took  hii  respectful  eyes 
off  >ou  while  you  continued  in  the  ring. 

When  you  were  gone  (you  see  by  the  way  in  which  1  lingfr  about 
you  still,  that.  I  am  unwilling  lo  part  with  you)  Topuldy  turned  round 
upon  me  with  a  killing  trmmphant  air,  and  stroked  that  iuipudent  little 
tuft  bo  has  on  his  cbin.  and  said—"  1  say,  old  boy,  it  was  the  chesnut 
the  was  looking  a', and  not  Wi&gtta^**  And  I  make  uo  doubt  he 
tUmks  )0U  are  m  love  wilh  bim  to  this  minute. 

**  You  »il!y  young  jackanapes,"  said  I ;  "what  do  I  care  whether  she 

wu  looking  at  tiie  grey  or  the  cbrsnutr    I  was  thinking  ab  ut  the 

rl:  you  were  thinking  about  yourself,  and  be  hanged  lo  your  vanity !" 

with  this  thrust  in  his  linle  ctiest  1  fUlter  uiystif  I  upael  young 

Toi-LADY,  tiiat  iriiimpbant  care-ring  riaer. 

It  wa«  naluial  tba'  hr  i^houM  wish  to  plra«e;  t'-at  i%  tliat  he  should 
wish  oilier  people  io  admire  bim.  Augustus  Topla.dy  is  young  (still) 
and  lovely.  It  is  not  until  a  Utc  period  of  jife  tba'.  a  genteel  young 
fellow,  wiih  a  Grecian  nose  and  a  suiiublo  waist  and  whiskers,  begins 
to  admire  other  people  beaidrs  bimsell. 

Ttiat,  however,  u  the  great  aivantafse  which  a  man  possesses  wbose 
morning  uf  life  Ls  oter,  whose  reason  is  not  taken  prisoner  by  any  kind 
of  bUndtshoteu^B,  and  wno  knows  and  fics  that  he  is  a  FOGY.  As  an 
(^  buck  is  an  odious  sight,  absurd,  and  ridiculous  before  goda  and 
men ;  orueUy,  but  deservedly,  quisud  by  yoa  young  people,  who  M« 


173 


ti 


not  in  the  least  duped  by  his  youthful  airs  or  toile'le  arliHc  s;  soan 
honest,  good-natured,  straight-forward,  ni'ddle-aged,  easily- pi  eased 
Fogy  is  a  wortbv  and  amiable  member  of  society,  and  a  man  who  goU 
bo'h  respect  and  likiiig. 

Even  in  the  lovePy  sex,  who  ha«  not  remarked  howpiinliil  is  that 
pnod  of  a  woman's  life  when  she  is  passing  out  ot  ber  bloom,  and 
thinking  about  giving  up  her  p<  sit  ion  as  a  l»eaut>  ?  What  «a  iijusica 
and  stratagems  she  ha»  to  pirpc'ra'e  during  »he  s'niggle!  Sbr  t-iiies 
away  her  daughitrs  in  the  scbool-room,  atie  makes  them  wear  omel 
pinafores,  and  dresses  herself  m  the  ga:b  «hich  they  ought  to  assume. 
She  is  obliged  to  distort  the  calendar,  and  to  resort  to  all  sor^sof 
fcbemes  and  arts  to  hide,  in  her  o*n  person,  the  aiigus'  and  reapectaUe 
niarks  of  time.  Ab!  wh«t  is  tbi^  revolt  against  nature  but  iu  po'eut 
blasphemy  \  Is  not  Autumn  b  autiful  iniis  appointed  season,  IhaT  wa 
are  to  be  ssbamed  of  her  and  paint  her  yellowing  leaves  pea-green  1*  Let 
us,  1  say,  take  the  fall  of  i  be  year  as  i'  was  made,  serenely  and  sweetly, 
land  awKit  the  time  when  Winter  comes  and  the  nighis  shur  iu.  t 
know,  for  my  part,  many  ladies  who  are  far  uiore  sgneshle  and  mors 
beautiful  100. now  ihat  they  are  no  longer  beauiiea;  and, by  converse, 
I  have  no  doubt  Iba' T-.plady,  about  whom  we  were  speaking  just 
now,  will  be  a  far  pleasanter  person  when  be  has  given  un  the  practice# 
or  desire,  oi  killing  the  other  sex,  and  baa  sunk  into  a  mellow  lepose  M 
an  old  bachelor  or  a  married  nan. 

The  great  and  delightful  advantage  that  a  man  enjova  in  the  wotH. 
after  he  has  abiiica'ed  all  pretensions  as  a  conqueror  and  m-iaver  of 
feudal  s,  and  tioh  fur.iialiy,  and  of  his  hearf,  acknowledaea  hiniselt  to 
be  a  F  gy,  is  that  he  now  comes  f-r  the  first  time  lo  enjoy  &iid  appre- 
ciate duly  the  society  of  women.  For  a  youna  man  about  io*n,  there  is 
only  one  woman  in  the  whole  city— <at  Uast  very  few  indeed  of  the 
^oung  lurks  Irt  us  hope,  dare  to  have  two  or  three  firings  loOirir 
wicked  bows)— he  goes  lo  ball  after  hall  in  pursuit  of  that  one  person; 
he  sees  no  other  ejesbut  bers;  hears  no  other  voice;  c-res  lor  no 
other  petticoat  but  (hat  in  which  his  charu-er  dances  :  he  puisucs  her 
—is  refused— IB  accepted  and  jilted:  breaks  hia  heart,  mends  it.  of 
course,  and  goes  en  again  alter  some  otiier  beloved  being  until  in  the 
order  01  fate  and  nature  be  marries  and  settles,  or  reiians  unmarried, 
irec,  and  a  Fogy.  Until  then  we  know  notbiug  of  women— Uio  kind- 
ness and  relineraent  and  wit  of  the  elders;  the  art.less  pr«lllc  and  dear 
li'tle  cha  ter  ol  the  voung  ones;  all  these  are  hidden  Irom  us 
untd  we  take  Ibe  Fogy'a  degree :  nay.  even  perhapi  (rom  married 
men,  wbose  age  and  gravity  en  ities  ihem  lo  rank  amongst  rogies; 
for  every  woman,  who  is  worth  anything,  will  ho  i-aluus  of  her 
husband  up  io  seventy  or  eigh'y,  and  always  prevent  his  iniercourao 
with  o'ber  ladies.  Bur.  an  old  bachelor,  or  better  still,  an  old  widower, 
has  this  delightful  en'r^e  into  the  female  world  :  he  u  free  to  cou.c.  to 
go:  lolitten:  to  joke:  lo  BympaLlii'c:  In  talk  with  mamma  about  her 
plans  and  troubles:  to  pump  from  Miss  the  little  secrets  that  gu*h  so 
ea-ilv  from  ber  pure  little  well  of  a  heart :  the  ladies  do  not  ^^Vribem- 
selvcs  beiore  him,  and  be  is  admiaea  lo  their  mysteries  like  iho  Doctor, 
the  Confessor,  or  the  Kislar  Aga.  . 

What  man  who  can  enjoy  this  pleasure  and  privilege  ought  to  be  in- 
different to  i  ?  If  the  society  of  one  woman  is  delightful,  as  the  young 
frliowa  thiuk  and  justly,  bow  much  more  ■  cligbtful  is  the  societ)  of  a 
thousand  !  One  woman,  for  instance,  has  brown  eyes,  a  d  a  geological 
or  rau-ical  tuin:  another  has  sweet  blue  eyes,  and  lakes,  Itus  pay,  the 
GoKUAM  side  of  tbecomroversy,  at  prescn'  peidii-g;  a  third  darling, 
witii  long  fringed  li-shes  hiding  eves  of  liasel,  lifts  them  up  ce  ling- 
wards  in  behalf  of  Miss  Selxoh,  thinks  the  Lord  Chief  Justice  has 
bit  the  poor  young  lady  very  hard  in  publiahmg  l-er  letters,  and 
proposes  to  quit  the  Cburob  u^xt  Tuesday  or  Wednesday,  or  when- 
ever Mil  Uriel  is  ready— and,  of  course,  a  man  may  be  in  love 
wilh  one  or  the  other  of  these.  But  it  is  manifest  ibat  brown 
eyes  will  remain  brown  eyes  to  (be  end,  and  Ihat,  b*vmg  no  other 
interest  but  music  or  geology,  her  conversa'iou  on  those  pomla 
may  grow  more  than  sumcient.  Safphika,  acain,  when  she  has  said 
her  say  with  reeard  lo  the  Gouuam  affair,  and  proved  that  the  otiicr 
party  are  but  Ron.aniats  in  dtsguiac.  aid  wbo  is  lu'erested  on  no  ojher 
Huhject,  may  possible  lire  you— so  may  Hazelxa,  who  is  wurking  sJ'ar- 
cloihs  all  dav,  an-i  would  desire  nobe'ier  iitarurdom  than  to  walk  bare- 
foot in  anight  procesMou  up  Sloane  Street  and  home  by  Wil  on  Plac*, 
lime  rnougb  to  ge'  ber  poor  meurttu  little  feet  imo  while  satin  clippers 
tor  the  n  ght  c  lil'— 1  say,  if  a  man  can  be  wrouKht  up  to  rrplure,  and 
ei  jny  bliss  in  the  oonipany  of  any  one  of  these  young  Uuies.  or  any  other 
inuivid-ala  in  the  iitioite  vanny  of  Mi-s-kiud— bow  much  real  ^y»t- 
pah*,  benevolent  pi.  asurr,  aid  kimily  ^.bnerva  lOu  nay  becoj»y  when 
he  is  allowed  lo  be  laiuiliar  wi  h  Ihe  whole  charming  race,  and  behold 
hr-  briRlitness  of  all  H'eir  diffcrtul  e}es,  aud  Uslcu  lo  the  swcel  music 
of  their  various  voices ! 


ENGLAND'S  GOOD  NAME. 

Oua  Ute  proceedings  in  Gr.  cce  have  induced  foreign  nations  to  make 
a  Utile  alttratiun  in  our  uationai  niok-name,  by  adding  a  le  ter  to  it. 
instead  of  calUutf  ua  JouM  BuiiLi  they  &ow  everywbae  ttarle  us  JouH 

BCLLT. 


XVIIL— 16&0. 


^•ii^ttfi^ 


|AUCY  JACK  RUSSELL;  OR.  WHO>S  TO  TURN 


HIM  OUTP 


^ 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


177 


h 


A  HINT  FROM  HER  MAJESTY. 

We  do  not  oPcn  peruse  wi(h  wiry  intense 
intmst  tbc  lucubraliont  of  Mial  riier- 
gef  ic  historian,  the  Court  newsTc&n.  vho 
'  chronicles  From  dftjr  to  day  the  vrtlti, 
the  drtTe?,  and  the  diDnera  of  Royaltv. 
Like  Othello,  we  are  '*  not  much  moTed  *' 
b)'  the  perusal  of  (he  lair,  liow  this  ilick 
has  diiccrpdc'l  tiint  stick,  how  this  lady 
ImB  rpljpvcd  the  oilirr  la^iv,  or  how  His 
Excellrncy  the  Baron  >loBANon  was 
Ihe  only  addition  —  am),  ia  'i'ussAUD 
phnweofopr.v,  "a  magnificent  addiiion," 
wc  daresay — to  the  parly  of  Royaly. 

We  arc  q-titc  sure  Her  Majestt 
takes  no  anight  in  the  pettisal  of  these 
parftftraphs;  rnr  which  of  us  would  wish 
to  bavti  published  to  the  world  the 
details  of  our  fvery-day  lifr,  cnihracinp 
fQch  fac's  as  ourhavinr.  on  such  a  day,  "enterlaioed  MsLaud  Mrs. 
Jokes  at  a  U^^t  mutton  diuner,*'  or  that  iti  the  nf  crnoon  we  tad 
"taken  oar  ti*ual  airing  on  the  hiilfprnny  stTamhcat ?  "  Though  our 
Tani'y  niif^tit  br  &  liij  le  lokird  at  first  by  perusing  in  print  the  announe*'- 
ment  (bat  we  had  received  a  few  friends  to  l^a,  we  sliould  soon  get  tired 
of  iih«t  might  be  ternied  our  Household  Narraixie,  when  we  foTind 
ruch  paragraphs  as  "The  charwoman  has  relieved  the  housemaid  in 
wai  ine,"  or  that  "  the  children  look  their  customary  donkey-ride  in 
the  Park." 

Wr,  howerer,  did  notice  in  the  Ccvri  Cirevlar.  of  Friday  last,  u  para- 
graph from  which  eomr  p<otil  may  be  deiivrd.  in  'h-  nti<.al  ol  a  scries 
of  annourcenen's  re>pcciing  the  birtli-day  of  Ibe  FaiNCESs  Aucb.  we 
catue  to  Ihr  fo'lovriog  : — 

"  At  fire  o'cWk  (b  tlM  ftftemotm  IHxa  Majhrtt  rvnlTtd  a  iraill^arvcll*  pmHy,  &c. 
T1i«  QvKaii,  MOtrnpanlrd  lijr  the  RnVBlrliililrrti,  rrcch<d  tli*  youthml  vIhUot*  In  Ujq 
laloon.  Id  whkh  thajuveollea  daucrd,  iiimI  AflrnrtrdM  [trMceded  to  Uic  libnirT,  where 
Kftviboiettia  wen  scrred.  The  juvecUa  jwrtj  J«ft  the  PaUce  moo  mliex  aorea 
o'clock.*' 

Hpre  is  an  admirable  example  to  those  who  are  in  the  habtt  of  giving 
children's  parties,  commencing  at  eight  or  nire  p.  ni.,  and  ternnna'ing 
a'  one  or  two  in  the  moming,  when  the  jaded  jurrnilcs  crawl  away 
wi  h  at  least  ^ix  momhrt'  hral  ti  taken  out  at  them  by  late  houra,  eiciie- 
menl  and  la  ittue.  The  Qu£ei«,  as  a  mother  and  a  sensible  woman, 
knows  when  **  it  is  time  tliut  all  good  children  should  be  in  bed, "  as  the 
Durst^'s  saying  goes,  and  sl^e  ni0«t  properlv  irts  herself  above  the 
fashiotable  foolery  of  half  killing  children  under  the  pretext  of  amusing 
tbem.  The  juvriiilft  party  a*  the  Pa'acewns  short  ami  sweet,  brginomg 
early,  breaking  up  in  good  ime,  ai  d  noi  interiering  in  the  least  wiih 
the  usual  hours  that  ouglil  to  be  obserrtrd  in  all  well-regulated 
fkmilie'. 

T"e  visi'ors  were  kept  long  enough  to  be  enterUined,  but  not  long 
enough  to  be  woin  out,  and  we  dare  say  they  enjoyed  Ihemselves  in 
i)roiK)rtion  to  the  ROod  fen»e  shown  in  providing  for  t'leir  a«>usrment. 
The  exan  pie  is  an  excrlknt  one,  ami  we  hope  it  will  have  its  effect 
vhen  Ihe  iime  comes  round  for  cooping  up  a  number  of  liitle  children 
in  hot  rooms  at  unrea^onahle  hours,  for  the  gra'ifica'ion  ot  a  b^vy  of 
mi-guided  mothf^rs  looking  on  witti  rapture  at  t  heir  ofT^tpring  mimicking 
the  fooleries  of  their  elders  in  a  spiri'  of  premature  apiahness,  whicu 
makes  rvrn  childho.  d  offensive — and  that  is  saying  a  vrry  great  deal 
indeed.  For  once  we  congratulate  the  Court  historian  on  having  ful- 
filled the  province  of  history— that  of  teaching  by  example — and  the 
bigber  the  exampla  the  more  proti'able  ia  tiie  lesson  likely  to  be. 


Liston  Kedivirus. 
Wi  thought  never  more  to  hear  of  a  once  celebrated  farce,  rendered 
famous  in  its  day  by  Ibe  acting  of  Liston  in  the  principal  character. 
But  oD>y  la«t  week  the  Timti  announced  that  the  Chancellor  or  the 

IXCHEQUEEhad 

"  R«rciT«d,  from  '  X.  Y.  ZV  Bank-aolM,  rtlna  iMOO,  which  bt  vlll  plus  te  lb*  credit 
of  Um  pablic" 

Stirelr  this  is  the  farce  of  X  V.  Z.,  and  the  chief  actor  ia  it  ia 
Ifeddf  bntp,  

The  End  of  the  Sea-Serpent 

We  left  our  old  fiieud  dragging  his  slow  tennth  along  up  the 
Beaufon  River  in  Carolina,  with  a  party  of  the"  Free  and  Independent" 
OIL  iber  wav  to  blow  him  out  oi  ttie  water  with  a  coupla  of  ten- 
potuniert.  They  sailed — they  loaded;  they  saw  the  monsier  at  a 
iMlasce;  they  prinied— thry  Were  just  aoJng  to  fire— when  they  found 
he  Sea-herpent  «as  three  whales,  which  had  blunderer  up  the  stream 
to  each  other's  wake.  And  so  the  Sea^Serpent  turoa  out,  aa  we  alwaya 
•xpccied  ho  would,  "  lery  Like  a  whale." 


8ABBATH.P0ST  PENITENTIAL  MEETING. 

Next  to  being  in  the  righ^  is  the  graceful  and  penit«nt  confession  of 
having  been  in  the  wrong.  This  cunfesMon  is  about  1o  be  made  some 
dy  next  week,  by  a  large  number  of  distinguished  merchants,  bankers, 
solicilora,  and  others — by  the  same  men  who,  two  or  three  months 
back,  held  roee'irgs  for  thecharitable  purpose  of  denouncing  Howlamd 
HiLLasoncof  the  wicked,  as  a  man  determitied  upon  the  desrcratiun 
uf  the  English  SabbaUt,  and  wirh  it  ihe  perdition  of  the  souls  of  thou- 
aauds  of  the  doomed  ones  eniplopred  in  the  Post-Office.  Art  had  been 
called  in  to  awnkcn  llic  inuiRnation  of  the  country,  and  ettveloi>ej  with 
a  portrait  of  Rowland  Hill,  garni>hed  wih  horns  and  tatl,  was  seen 
empt>ing  from  a  bag  a  shower  of  letters  upon  a  church  steeple— more 
fatally  struck  than  was  ever  steeple  struck  by  liKhtning— by  Sahbnih 
foolscap.  It  was  in  vain  tbnt  hoHD  Kussell  soufihl  to  guarantee  the 
peacefulncsa  of  the  Sah^-ath—lxniD  Rumkll  was  not  b«li-ved;  and 
very  mucU  the  "merchaut?,  banl^ers,  solicitors,"  &c ,  applauded  theni- 
selres  in  the  eharitableness  of  such  incredulity,  ^ince  the  first  ass 
cropped  his  first  meal  of  aitediltivun  tliislles,  there  had  never  been 
atioh  n  ultitudinous  bra>ing,  as  that  hee-hawed  a',  public  meetings,  and 
fhrough  newspaper  columns.  And  now — biding  his  lime — Mr  How- 
LAND  Hill  lias  published  a  Report,  convicting  the  "merchanis, 
bfn.kers.  solictors,"  &c ,  of  tlie  most  neeolc^s  violence — o(  the  most 
unchii^tianlike  abuse  of  a  man  to  whoui  civilisation  owes  an  immense 
amount  ol  debt— a  debt  that  from  laud  to  land  will  go  on  increa»ing. 
We  bo'TOW  from  the  Tima  the  subjoined  analv^is  of  the  "  Report 
ii  question: —     . 

"  Mo.  IliLl.  bkd  ftlwKft  ititcd  tliftt  tba  necFs^ty  fur  the  utn  Ubntr  wonld  bo  Irivf. 
On  HundMj,  tbc  XBtTi  of  October,  tlie  sddllloDAJ  London  form  of  26  n>rn  ksn  first  etn- 
{ilojrvd  ;  on  Uie  6Ui  of  Januarr  foUoirlng  It  «m  redooed  to  18;  on  tli«  13th  M  tlif  tame 
motiih  to  S,  and  on  tbe  rvvf  ncit  Siindaf  It  waa  diapenaed  with  alu-gvUier,  liivinf 
ofli-ctod  Ita  bl^mt  within  Hut  apaeo  of  tlirrt*  mmiiha. 

"  Bjr  Um  derlco  and  cxocntlon  of  tbcac  nieas;ire»  676  prorinclal  poat-ofHcca  have  ezpO' 
rlenced  a  tola)  poalUve  rcllaC  of  atioui  7\  ti<Hir«  caeli  Siinda]',  and  upwardv  of  401)0 
d«iM>udenl  (ifflcra  liave  received  a  almllar  nRllef  of  about  7  lunira.  fcMtlniatad  In  Matlikn 
tomdiridaall,  tlie  effect  of  the  ineaanr«aAarif«»loptMt  (aAHSD  imtjou  on  amtraf*  8vHda$ 
reUtf  o/  bf  htMtn  mcA  ;  i  bat  la  to  iay.  nearly  9.0)  people  havo  be«D  relkv«d  fttini  nearly 
S  houra*  work  Avery  Sunday  by  lhi>  op^ralloti  of  a  iicheni«  which  waadt^uoaoccd  a*  a 
deliberate  encouragorarnt  to  isRbballi-lfreakln^  and  profanity.  The  Sunday  furcc  nr|;u< 
larly  employed  to  the  Poat-O&ee  l-'/on  tlie  famcui  provtalocii  of  Ma.  Kowi.aku  Hill'8 
•cbom«anui)int«<l  to  27  mi;n.  On  tlie  Aral  day  uf  operatlona  under  tlie  oaw  syitam  thla, 
to  the  acatulal  am]  horror  of  the  pubUe,  was  fncreucd  to  &S.  To  bt  surw,  anoi«4000or 
fitno  wf  re  reltevod  in  oUtrr  quartvrA  by  tbe  MOie  regulation,  but  tbla  llitle  encDpcnuaUon 
was  ahog*itb«r  overlooked  to  the  Rrvat  lnl<ftiltr.  Uut  what  ft^llowvdf  Not  only  waa 
tbta  additluiial  luroo  dlapeiiMMl  wKli  in  Mo  heluftt  tbree  uionthi  had  paa^ifd,  rntt  Ita 
laboura  had  area  eoatributed  to  lighten  tbe  lot  of  those  wtio  ttlll  rvmalncd.  So  well  did 
tb«  new  arranjtementa  act,  that  tlie  wurk  of  i  be  ort>{iM/ foroe  baK»n  irradtially  and 
■teadlty  to  dlniinUh,  and  we  are  now  officially  lold  that  '  llie  wbok  Suudiiy  ftirro  »rdi- 
oarlly  efflployed  In  tbe  London  offlca  will  be  reduoed  to  Uto  or  aii  men.  which,  ctcd 
wllb  the  addition  of  the  10  clerka  employed  In  tbe  mail  timlna  'wtd  their  diiUe*  will 
Intrench  hot  Ultleon  itie  obaorranoea  of  tiie  f^unAmjX  wilt  wuiia a^totat /iirc»  p/ kMi  mor€ 
than  kalf  iKal  emfU>^.hifore  tU  SHCA  t{f  October  ttutJ  " 

Punch  has  some  satis'action  in  the  recollec'irm  thaf  at  the  outset  he 
met  ihe  foil V,  Ihe  abuse,  and— in  some  cases,  he  n>ay  add — the  phari- 
sa'&d  puri'aui^m  of  the  brawlers  «ith  argument  and  with  laughter. 
Well,  very  much  are  the  "  merchants,  bankers,  Bol-citors,"  and  others, 
ashamed  of  themselves;  and  they  propose  to  meet  next  week — place 
and  time  will  of  course  be  advcnised— and  read  Mb.  Hill's  Report, 
ard  then  and  ibere  express  their  p>nitence  for  the  hard  epi'hets  that, 
in  f  htiir  ulrra  puntv,  ihey  again  and  again  bestowed  upon  him. 

Further,  tticy  will  then — i  ■  icken  of  repentance — wn'k  b<ire-headed 
in  process'on  to  the  Post -Office,  and  rcaa  to  Mu.  Kowla>d  Hill* 
confession  of  their  injustice. 

Fur  her,  they  will  beg  of  Mr.  Kowland  Hii.l  to  accept  a  bracelet 
for  Mhs.  RowjjiSD  Hill — a  bracelet  set  »ilh  jewels,  in  form  of  a  snake 
with  iia  u.il  in  its  mouth,  (ypical  in  this  case  of  repeniant  slander  that — 
eats  its  own  words. 


To  Unlicenaed  Hawkers  of  Jokes; 

NoncB  1  whoever  sends  us  a  joke  on  the  subject  of  "  Cah pbkll's 

Miss-Sellon-y," 
Will  be  ina'aiitly  proceeded  against  for  literary  felonvl 
Tbe  joke  baring  been  stolen  from  a  wit  at  the  Wtrst  End, 
And  last  seen  in  a  leader  of  the  Tunes,  where  tbe  thief  was  traced  bf  % 

friend 
Of  tbe  manuracturer,  who  lul  night  did  with  more  of  bis  friends  in  A 

body  ckII 
Upon  Mr.  Punch  to  impound  the  joke  if  seat  to  his  periodical. 


A   CABMAK'a   EfiTIKATE   OP   RCSrECTiJtILlTT. 

*' What  do  you  tske  me  for,  Sir  f"  said  an  elderly  gentleman  to  a 
cabman  v^ho  had  been  gro&sly  lusulling  him.  '* Take  yer  for P  V^,  1 
touk  yer  for  a  sbiLiu'  a  mile,  but  I  Hod  yer  a  ahab  as  only  girca 
eightpence. 


TERRIFIC  ATTACK  UPON  MR.  JACOB  OMNTOM  OF  UPPER  BAXER 
STREKT,  BY  LORD  JOHN  RUSSELL. 


MRS.  OXFORD  TO  THE  PRIME  MINISTEB. 

" JOHWKT 1 

"  Oil !  if  I  iTM  yonf  mnth^r— which,  thank  my  Bt*r«,  T  ain't— trouldn't  1 !— wrll, 
nerrr  m-nd.  So  you've  the  impflnmo^,  h»Te  you,  tou  IitH«  Biinborou<h  vixpenn'or'h 
of  h«lfptncr^  for  to  think  of  appohiunf?  a  Commistion  to  inqutf  in*o  tnv  nouiieholii 
BiuiaKBiKeut  !*  Oh!  bui.  the  answers  i^  lu  b«  nil  op'iomd.  Johknt,  I  wt«h  you  may 
fe'  any.  Try  an  exneriment  first.  Go  1o  'he  p'^nd  in  St.  Jai  ea'a  Park,  which  I 
wish  yon  wa**  at  the  no  torn  of  it,  where  th^  wiit«r*hirds  is.  S  auil  on  the  bauk,  and  c?, 
'G-xj-ey,  px»fy,  Roosf y,  irooBry^  come  and  bo  killed!*  How  many  do  you  ihink 
yt'U  Ml  per-Minlc  [o  CH'ieP  lUtliT  niorc,  I  should  thitk,  thun  ^ou  wi'l  g-l  uny  boys  uf 
mine  to  spfak  tn^n  rhei'  own  r  od  a*  wfti  hb  th  ir  po^r  ol  1  nioth'tr.  Ard.  prav,  wba'  is 
it  yuuV»  »o  irqui-i  iv«  nhoii  .  ft  ter  i-llf  Not  that  I've  got  an^^thnk  to  heimManie'l  of: 
no.  I  oh  uld  hoiMS  t.o  ;  bui  if  I  oUtM  s^  lo  neep  myself  to  my  e!f,  my  i-ff-iiM  is  n  iiHnir  o 
uonoily.  All  the  world,  1  *oi  siif.  koowi  a9  much  as  ihey're  »ny  b  min'-s  of  Majcb 
OiPORO.  Titere  ttvir  wu  no  eirild  of  mine  us  was  a  dti^r&ce,  or  anvthmk  elt«  bu  a 
OO'tilor,  fo  ht»  family  and  Iriends.  Take  any  of  Vm,  an<l  if  you  fin?y  iha'  I  spoilt,  hnti,  or 
brou  Jit  hira  up  o  extrdvaj^tncfi  and  rum— a^k  hii  lather.  Aed  I  'm  sum  my  snrrs — for  I 
eall<  all  the  youne  dco'loen  I  '«ke*  in,  my  »on» — co  .l.ln''  have  a  mother  fo  h*;  more 
careful  of  hem  'ban  1  «m,  tookma;  over  their  thing*,  and  their  biU«,  and  ne^inf  wnat  they 
has  and  what  they  pays,  and  that  they're  never  cheated  nor  iTnp^vaed  on.  As  to  my 
bhuginc  of  them  on  m  their  studies,  there's  nobody  but  a  moat  wicked  story  as  can  say  a 


word  afiin  that.  I  'm  sure,  what  with  h-^'m  and 
Greek,  and  Greek  and  Latu,  let  alone  H^-hrew, 
their  poor  heads  is  stufTed  as  fu'l  sa  ih^y  can  boliL 
Don't  tell  me  tba*  ]  should  have  Vm  taught  tnora 
of  )Our  natrral  acietcr\  and  your  OHjilcm  lan- 
guages, and  Indian  f^ibberiah.  lion'u  talk  to  me 
about  your  nasty  Che<>  istrv,  which  L  don't  beliefs 
hoir  01  it,  and  \our  Botany,  a[<a  Aoatouiv,  and  Or- 
mthuloiry.  and  K^yuoioay,  and  parlyvoi  in^,  and 
yaw-yawing,  and  new-laogled  Sanscrip.  They  learn 
bA  iLucU  of  all  Lbem  sorr  ol  thing*  as  they  o^'gbt  to 
know,  and  are  qui  e  good  enough  scoUurds  lor  aoy 
C  ris'ian.  Pve  trained  <hrm  up  m  the  «ray  th'-y 
should  go.  JoUNMT.  I've  took  e«re  to  disMi  tiieir 
II  inds  \»itli  proper  principles;  ini>l«ad  of  which 
yuu'd  liave  tb<m  trying  loaeltUcT'  amesa  tire  aith 
your  sulphur,  ana  pa-h,  and  rxpernnenls  iu  Cal- 
Tiiiism.  No,  Juuv.  Dxuii  Oxjobd'^  lal»,  1  can 
tell  you,  have  oilier  ti^li  lo  tr>,  ana  will  maint»io, 
in  defence  of  their  glorious  cousiitutioD.  agaiuat 
)our  Papishes,  and  i^issrnters,  and  you  too,  for 
there  isu  l  a  pm  to  choose  between  >ou.  Coui*, 
if  you  dare,  and  poke  your  nOM  in  o  my  boil>»> 
keeping,  tike  a  j-ckdau  peeping  down  a  inarrow- 
boue.  Find  out  all  the  seorei.s  you  can.  I  dciy  you 
to  lued^le  with 

"Old  Davb  Ox70ed. 

"  P.S.  P'raps  the  abore  mayn't  be  no  newa  to  yon. 
M.'  y  be  you  Ve  heard  as  much  already  from  Incus. 
Wmcuever  way,  put  it  in  )our  pipe,  etoelra." 


PARLUMENTARY  DOOR-KEEPING. 

A  8EUECT  committee  has  been  sitting  on  the  door- 
keep  rs  of  the  Hous^  u\  Lords,  who  are  I'kely  to 
cry  out  that  they  Hare  been  cruabcd  by  being  i  bits 
sat  upon. 

I  W"  canrot  understa^'d  the  oomplainls  of  pooHv 
p!tid  Ubrur,  when  «e  find  that  hullpo  ters'  ivoiK 
commands  8"cti  wages  i>s  I  be  coun'ry  has  been 
pK.Miig'o  thegcn'l  men  who  have  met  with  «ucli 
an  eligible  openiug  as  tlie  opening  oi  tiie  uooi  of 
I  tlie  House  oi  Lods.  The  ¥  rt>  Thipvcs  made  a 
tol  ralily  xi'Od  tiling  of  tbnir  ()pen  Srs^ui  ;  bu  we 
douht  >  hetn  r<ve.n  the  Cop'ain  of  ht;  uanj  could 
havf  cle^  ed  <^uch  a  cO'tTuruhle  'b'n<  ot  it,  -s  ttio 
olbcers  we  have  bren  alfuding  lo  tiave  Hi  liirta 
enjo>ed  Vt^cxy  knock,  siugle  or  d>jiibl-,  th>l  came 
to  the  House  uf  Lords,  has  been  a  rap  in  itic  pocket 
of  ihr*  duoi -keeper,  and  uu  b'u^^  s  ems  to  hare 
answered  hfiier  than  Muswenng  tUe  door.  Every 
pull  at  the  btll  has  been  «  pull  upon  poor  JoHX 
BiJLi/a  piickrt,  until  he  can  no  lon<er  s  and  ttie 
oonstanl  null  out— or,  in  other  words,  he  riftuftes 
to  .  o  on  D-ing  h  t  in  uy  those  entrusted  wi  h  the 
1  dut V  of  letting  m  the  Pt^rs. 
!  In  one  year  ibf  door-keeper  cleared  £2500  by  lbs 
'  operation  of  simply  luiniug  a  bai'Ule,  wlncu  musi  be 
luh  very  ideniic<d  bamlle  to  abu-e  bat  wf  tuve 
heMfd  vpoken  01  so  frequt-utly.  Bet  wren  £700  and 
tbOO  a  }e'tr  is  a  moileiate  averag-  lor  (ta.:  uuor- 
.kecptr.  Who  will  not  trel  Iha'  i  a ould  be  cheaper 
I  ever,  lo  furnish  every  one  uf  their  LoriiSiiips  wiiu  a 
latch  key  to  let  biiii!»eli  iu,  ttmn  to  )>av  such  an 
enormous  sum  lo  a  func'i  UM'y  »ho  hiS  no>  even 
g\ji  to  a-'k  "  Wlio's  dat  kn<»cking  at  ue  doorP"  but 
vi-1-plv  admi's  each  peer  a^  he  enters  ibe  house. 
I'be  wholn  0  St  might  bs  aiireJ  hv  bnvinjc  a  ctteck- 
sfn  g  ne^r  tiirt  woolsack,  to  b?  pull  -d  bv  tbe  C'lan- 
celtor,  wtio  would  thus  eierci^  a  very  pjopcr  oUcCk 
upon  this  br&nfh  of  our  ou  lay. 

We  st'uaal'  recommend  ihe  adop*ion  either  of 
thr  ptincipie  of  U'ch-k  ys  or  'he  Lordn,  i-r  lbs 
siill  mon:  eoromtCAl  pUn  ol  L<tlle  Ked  Hiding 
Ho'id's  (iananiii  ber,  lor  we  do  tot  pee  why  'aci 
Me  .  ber  of  lb''  Houne  should  no  bs  iiir*ct«d  to  pull 
a  ttobbin  ou'sidf,  so  that  tbe  Ulch  uii^bt  coiue  up, 
Slid  be  could  walk  in. 


4 


Rtrakoe  bttt  Tbub.— It  is  an  extraordinary  aiul 
anm"*'!*'  srif-cin'rmlic'ory  f»c',  tlint,  wtule  v-ry 
litiln  th^t  Mr.  Kcrbavu  hi  in  ttie  habit  ol  aajinic 
is  taken  in,  stiU  less  ol  it  is  carried  out. 


I 


MAXIMS  AND  DISPA-TCHES  OF  FIELD  ifARSHAL 
WIDDICOMB. 

VltELT  peace  »boii|d  ba  enooqmgr^H.  if 
if  is  only  for  its  roonomv.  How 
mudt  ch'-tprr  i'  is  'Imn  war!  Pcai*e 
requires  nn  double  hand,  n<t  ouiUy  of 
brw,  no  bli'f-fir<»,  no  p*l*petre.  no 
ftnioke — and  War  is  all  smoke.  It  in 
'lie^Dioke  'ha'  costs  (he  money.  A 
War  that  slionld  connuu.e  its  oim 
smolt*-,  would  be  a  preat  boon— e*- 
prciaUvaa  the  babies  m  ibe  pit  woii>d 
not  cou^h  so  niiicb,  when  I  am  a>i- 
dressinK  my  Rallant  tror'p*,  previous 
to  IcHding  them  on  to  victory. 

Victory!  it  is  bir  the  fla-h  of  a 
a^cond — a  vivid  illumipation,  smc- 
ceeded   by   funeral   d»irku'"-s       ^  ■" 


ceeaeu  oy  f^nerai  atirKUf*'>-s.  luu 
hear  a  shout — ^ou  sre  a  buze — trnd 
the  next  nio<i  en^  tbr  gfn  cur  am 
falls — and  I  have  to  burry  off  to  pay 


'  the  supers 


If  ever  France  snd  Enfiland  shmiH 

ffo  iu  Wiira.atn.  I  propose  imt  Fkan- 

COVI  ivd  Avfley's  should  BkHI  thfir  ba  tlej>.    We  should  do  il  much 

0<t>re  eff<rc*ivr|y — and  du'  i>l/iV-bill-«  v  ould  do  ca;  i'ally  (or  Hul|piins  and 

disi'atchcs — ror  we  should  both  of  us  be  furc  to  cUim  Ibe  victory. 

Erer'  Hinar  h»s  i's  fool,  and  t' e  nian  who  mari iei  a  woman  in  (he 
bchel  thai  ihi!  IB  pcrlfot.ioD  is  (be  fool  of  the  wedding-riog. 

Old  Abtlkt  bad  *he  lowest  c  'ntempt  for  women  who  did  not  know 
how  10  ri  e.  Ac  Ichratril  ac  re^s  from  nrury  Lnnft upoli  d  o  lii:it  foran 
eoftueni  n'.  "Cat  >ou  iidp»  n^adam  *:"*—'*  No,  Sir" — "Tnen,  ideate 
madam,  jou  must  walk."— And  he  would  nor.  list,  n  to  anorher  wont. 

OiirRmr  wa*  *he  most  pnttrpri*inff  d  anaRpr  I  evfr  knew.  At  Ihft 
time  ba'  Sitt  Houiai  Prki.  «*id 'bat  liic  "  B*tiir  of  tbeCon«'i  ution 
t>  ost.  be  f  K^b'  in  tue  Htgi  trm'ioD  (^uTt<."  he  sent  in  a  rontract  In 
Quvernu.eDt,  pledging  hiuisel  to  lltiilit,  ibe  oattle  cheaper  tbau  any  one 
«!•«.  

'•  M>»n  is  >uit  D'ist : "  this  may  not  ^r  ptrfect'y  new,  hn'  can  anything 
be  niore  ime  ?  (■on^ideriDg  bow  often  I  have  befn  spiwh-d  xiax  k  'cked  by 
the  hop"»,  anil  liow  repeat rdiy  1  have  Iwm  Irtppei  up  ^>y  Mr.  Meirimam, 
and  rolled  about  m  the  Rinv,  1  am  sure  no  one  uid  accuse  me  of 
pedantry  when  1  boldly  s^y  that  "  M«n  is  but  sawdus'." 

The  Horse  i;*  greatly  to  be  envied.  His  rneag^nient  lasts  all  Ibe 
year  roun>i,  and  he  never  knows  what  it  is  to  want  a  meal.  Tberf*  have 
been  niom'-DtM  ol  wrr-kneiis,  when  T^  WitinicoHB,  have  regreited  1  bad 
not  been  bom  a  hof  se '.       

Upon  wha*  a  trill*  do^satuan's  Fame  some* tmes  depend  !  Govebsal 
COD  ««aeit  to  tne  tie  owed  bis  engAgroi'-nt  aa  Napolkon  BcOMAPAaTC 
aolrly  to  ihe  accident  of  liia  lakiog  Ba»ff ! 


Who  say*  thfre  is  no  promo' ion  in  our  aervio'P  Why  1  have  known 
%  >Ourg  tH*lor  prari  in  llic  Briiifh  army  a^  a  drunimt-r  boy.  Hud  lie  f.he 
MaKQUtss  OP  Anglesey  before  he  was  nineteen.  luuumerable  other 
inatauees  m  giii.  be  nivcn.   

It  is  a  great  question  vh  thrr  1  have  derived  half  as  much  gratifica- 
tion torn  "'be  iiios  brilliant  bchievenun'  'hat  ever  dislmguist.pd  he 
annals  of  Bri'ish  history  "—I  mean,  our  Battle  of  Waterloo — as  Irom  a 
doscD  oysters  and  a  bolle  of  slout,  wbic(i  I  liave  quietly  enjoyed  in 
any  dreasing-room  afterwards. 


Are  we  a  Mation  of  Bogu«aP 

Thi  di«<?"a*ion  on  the  Summary  Jurisdiction  BiU  has  clioiUd  the 
obaervafion^  that  trial  by  juryisthe  "  PalUdium  of  British  Liberty." 
and  ttie  "  dearrst  bir  hnpht  of  Englishmm."  The  fac*  aserrted  in  'he 
foriurr  prop  .-iiion  cannot  be  too  s'rcn.ly  insisted  on  ;  tliongh,  pos«ibly, 
the  frnmrk  irselfmay  be  niadc  too  oftrn.  But  to  the  Utter  hphorisui 
we  ea'irely  object.  Our  ilCJirest  bifllinah  is.  of  all  onr  aMvantaae". 
t»»at  wiiicli  we  HfcV-  moat  orca«i'-«n  to  avail  oursc^lve^  of.  a"d  w.-  slmnid 
be  noich  ashaiued  il,  in  our  pergonal  cate,  ih'S  wer«  trial  by  jury. 
Wbal  mu'  lotfianrrs  iliink  of  us  if  Wc  !«  a  saMng  pa«s  ourrenr.  *b>cb 
Unptiea  i  hat  an  Engliahmaa  ia  almost  oonslaally  havmg  to  appear  in 
Ibadookr 


THE  REPRESBNTATIOX  AS  IT  MTGTIT  BE. 

An  entirely  new  KaAis  <^f  r''pre<entali<)n  is  lugKestrd  by  a  pas*ace  in 
aspT.ch  nia.p  bv  Mr.  \V.  J  Kox,  M.P.,  at  the  Ni»tionid  KehTut  As^o- 
cia'inn.     Th"  Unr  our«ble  Menbi-r  ob  ervi*d  'ha  — 

"  Many  ffvntluiwn  now  aent  to  ParlUm«nt  r«fir«M>nt*d  the  nacAllty  ffAMri),  Um 
•errlUtjr  (ch»er»),  Uw  dnuikenoou,  Utc  Hl&stiaeM  of  tbo  Country,    (J^wi/  eA*rri.) 

Next  to  'be  n-al  representaiou  of  ttm  p  op'r,  iliat  of  Cuufl'Cling 
iottrrea'a  and  pr'tcipltrs  ftoiiU  b',  ptriiaijs,  ibe  f^jreat.  The  outiiuiary 
of  a  drba'e  miybt   hen  run  somewhat  thus  :— 

In  the  ffonse  of  Commona — 

PeJitions  w^re  pr  srn'ed  by  the  Memkib.  Tor  Cliss  Pwvit.mp.  fr.r 
(lie  more  slrii<gen>  enforcement  of  the  Gan<p  La^^'f  ;  njm  thr  Mcmdbr. 
for  Mauuom  agxinst  any  iitterfr.rnnce  wi  h  the  shift  and  telay  9>f)  rm  m 
raoUtnes;  and  from  the  McMBra  for  CoiCA-NanT  against  Chancery 
R/form. 

The  .Meitber  for  FttKlDov  op  Oo'-science  propoW  'h"  throwing 
open  of  the  Uuiverviti.  x  to  Her  MAJRSTT'sjnbjrCs  ol  all  drnoniind'iiins. 

1'he  Mrmbkr  lor  I  igotry  prdic't-M  (be  uowtital  lI  the  Moiiar  by 
from  Ihe  admisMon  of  Dis'4<  niera  lo  Oxford  an<l  Can-bri  <ge. 

O'l  «  Mioiion  lor  the  nmoval  u(  Sud'hlirld  M*ikrt  being  made  by  the 

MkMB'R  for  HtALTH. 

The  Mehreb  tnr  F.LTH  movd  Mtat  the  Bill  bft  rend  'his  day  six 
mon'1'8.  lie  would  d**!^!!'!  v**"lfd  in'erp-fs  'hough  thick  ftHd  'hi'i. 
Th*- anrtidnicn'  wa«  .e<'ondfd  by  the  Membch  'or  Pkstilencb.  He 
would  no'    aiiK  |v  puffer  iiif<  co>ih'  i'U'  n^f,  ihe  uiulfr'ak'  t-,  lu  'if  'iiju<i*d. 

The  Member  for  Fair  Plat  hrouwh'  forwa-da  moTioh  for  itt-  ad  ip- 
t  ion  of  liir  B.dloL.  T'li^t  wa^  "ppt^rd  hy  ihr  Membkk  for  BiMncar, 
seconded  by  'ho  Membbii  for  iNTluiDiTioN,  «im",  m  a»  •«  r*«**io 
bAmngue,  dtinounceu  stcrt*t  vo'inn  a-  <  nco  »ii'iitiu  h1  and  un  K'lalsb. 

Oec4«i  n  was  talc^n  by  ihe  MemBkr  I'or  Ecohowy  t<»  re  ni  end  he 
ab-iirion  of  u-elr"*  otrics,  'lb--  MEIt»»B(yr  FlukkeidoM  vind'Oa-cd 
th''  dig'  i'y  of  Gold  Suck  Troni  'hd  a-p»  i»i  'n*  oi  ih"  H.<>  .  G^'iitl-  nu  o. 

The  MiMBLR  fur  CIant  it-'V**  n--  ice  oi  a  Bdl  fuibMuiiiK  c  b-,  't»u»»e», 
au'l  -'eaii.bott  s  o  jU  ov  Sundays. 

H  reuiou  riie  Membkb  f'<r  (.MyUBlsxtNCr  *aid,  thut  if  thn  meaaure 
wen>  into  Con  milter,  h-  ohould  •cuanu  'hr*  in^ertio*^  of  a  clause  lo 
pfoti'bt'  the  nsr  0'  c*rr>biLC*  on  rhA  Sabbath  loi  ^mug   o  Choroli. 

Th<:  Mehbeu  for  PuiLANTaROFT  (Urn  broiishi  forward  his  ntotioo 
for  the  fib«)iifi'  u  O'  rap>  al  piiiM»h>iirtit,  uh>ob,  having  bcrn  slrcnuotinly 
opfw-ed  by  ibe  Mkilbbr  for  DE&TBUCTIvu^Ba&,  was  rtjrcied  b)  a  small 
nij«jority. 

On  f  lie  motion  of  the  Mbhseb  for  EaaLY  Closino,  the  Houae  then 
aitjouined. 


ALL  ROUND  ST.  PAUL'S. 

All  round  8*.  PanPs  th«iy  've  got  an  iron  railing, 
Al>  round  Bt.  Paul's  they  Ve  had  it  many  a  day ; 
And  i   Rn>  bod»  R^V'd  m-  wliy  thf-y've  been  and  done  i*, 
I'll  tell  Lheiii  thai  the  railing  were  bettrr  ta'eu  away. 

All  round  St.  Paura  it 'a  a  common  ob^ei-vation, 

Tbey  always  try  their  utiiiosi  to  keep  the  people  out. 

By  chftrtEing  thi^ir  twoprncs.  th^ir  st-illings,  and  their  sixpeuc  s, 

And  wi'h  an  iron  railing  circling  it  abjut. 

All  round  St.  Paul's,  and  under  it  and  ov^r  it, 
Through  'ht  vaiiltB  and  g«lte  ies,  up  s'airs  and  down. 
You  may  go  wtien  you  like,  p'ovided  you  are  frali^tiea 
To  pay  for  the  treat  sumfthmg  uudrr  a  erown. 

There's  India,  thr  Nile,  New  Zealand,  and  Australia, 
Am  lira,  Niugura,  aid  ooicr  wondrous  la  Is, 
iday  be  »v*-n  lor  a  abiding;  but  tlve  linips  the  nton^y 
Is  demanded  of  tue  tnveller  all  round  St.  PaulV 

But  since  the  new  Dean  is  a  rohoUr  and  a  gentlen<aiH 
M'e  hoi»e  he  will  listen  to  the  public  in  its  calls, 
And  tue  off  the  twupenoe,  co  paltry  and  contemp'iblei 
For  merely  glancing  rapidly  all  round  St.  Paul's. 


I 


A  Dangerous  Doetor. 
JIerk  is  a  canosi'y  of  advertising  literature :— 


M 


F:r>ICAt.— To  be  DISPOSED  OP,  the  RKCIPE  of  a  MBDrCINE  for  a 
dlApftM  of  CTvsi  tuRtelnK.  by  irliteh.  «  few  rean  h0>,  a  larav  pricUe*  wu  mada; 
but.  In  oonteqiteuce  of  the  dMLtii  oTUia  mffdlckl  guottaiuut,  U  htm  tMtlt  Uflag  domuuii 
Tor  ftoioe  tiiu«. 

If  the  "disease  of  grea*  ruff  ring,"  whch  provrd  so  lucrative,  has 
really  been  "  lyina  dorman'  in  coi)«r<iu  ncr  of  ffir  de»th  of  th**  m'^dical 
gnnilrniaii,"  it  wilt  probably  be  revived  hy  the  person  who  shall  facoomo 
his  sucoetsor. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI 


PUNCH'S     HANDBOOK    TO     HER     MAJESTY'S    THEATRE 


liBATTyo  for  awhile  tlie  rcRions  of  rovalty  we  d»»c«nd  for  a  tnomcn* 
to  the  door  of  the  house,  a  fl-Mir  which  Ma.  Johs  O'Cohneix,  of  mori- 
bumi  nooriety,  might  be  cicusrd  for  ade-^ire  to  liic  iipoD,  The  floor 
to  which  w(?  allude  is  the  par'erre  of  Her  Miyesty'a  Theatre— a  par- 
terre ahounding  in  6owcrs.  some  of  wliich  are  of  tlie  most  exquisite 
beauty,  some  a  little  rull-blown,  some  rather  faded,  and  a  few  that  uiij^h*, 
be  weeded  out  with  adranla^  to  the  general  appearance  of  the  locality. 
Amorff  the  flowen  of  the  parterre  then  is  a  slight  sprinklinK  of  the 
riiik«  of  f  leftance ;  a  larife  as-ortment  of  the  Whi**  Stocks,  which  give  a 
tan  of  starched  regularity  to  tlie  loenc;  a  strip  or  two  of  London 
Pide;  and  a  goodly  coUec'ion  of  tho^c  highly  rp«ppc*ab!e  tenants  of 
the  soil,  tha\  although  neither  forced  in  ihe  hot-beds  of  luxury,  nor 
connected  with  'he  old  roots  of  veneratjle  ancestrnl  trees,  are  a  very 
fuTOiirable  specimen  of  the  productions  ofthe  land  in  which  they  floarisb. 

There  may  be  cccasionally  remarked  in  the  parrerrc  the  aiiddcn 
appearance  of  an 
oij  cr.  furmouotcd 
wi*liahat,aQoV>iect 
which  ia  always 
Inokcd  upon  in  the 
light  of  a  tcare- 
crow  among  the  siir- 
rniiiidirg  flowers. 
SoinctiiiifS  the 

plfasing  aspect  of 
thf?  pUce  is  im- 
paired by  the  wad- 
uliiig  in  of  a  pair  oi 
ducks ;  btit  ihouirli 
ducks  are  no*  poai- 
lively  prohihi'ed 
from  entering  the 
parterre,  llicro  u 
abitu*  llieiii  ihe 
awkward  air  of  rtrra 
avcg,  and  they  arc 
very  aeUom  biet 
■with. 

The  visitors  to 
1\u)  r-almsof  Opera 
id  Ihe  heifrht  oi  the 
S'-asun  include  alL 
the  comi>onrnt  parts 
of  that  vast  ma''8 
oomihonly  t'tincd 
8ocic'y,theanaly«a- 
ti  rn  of  whicli  woiild 
br  a  proc^a*  almost 
too  vast  for  the  le- 
•ources  of  chemis- 
try, cvcu  w^^e   wo 

duposed  to  submit  aociety  to  all  the  varion*  teste.  Within  the  realms 
of  0|>era,  however,  there  are  some  wonderful  combinations  of  various 
qualiuea  and  properlirsi.  which  amalgrama'e  only  here,  as  if  there  was 
something  in  the  softening  and  refinmg  air  of  the  place  which  blends 
into  harmony  th^se  matters,  which  are  antaaronistic  everywhere  else. 

Wfl  find,  for  instance,  in  Tier  Majesty's  Theatre,  the  laws  of  political 
cheu.i*try  susprcdrd,  a*  it  were,  in  the  rigorous  harshness  of  their  opera- 
lion,  tor  we  wi  ncMthr  correclionof  Pro'ec'ioniat  Acidi'y,  the  fusion  of 
White  Oil  v,'vh  U-^dical  Vinegar,  and  the  e&iy  mixture  of  the  Sublimate 
of  Aristocrat  c  Alkali  with  the  common  Potjuhof  the  numerous  essen'itl 
<*xirHo'B  0'  wbic'i  Society  la  formed.  It  i%  difficult  to  account  for  this 
pliennmenon,  wh*n  we  remember  that  'h  re  is  in  the  social  ptructure  a 
cliilljf  i'gronKDt  which  seldom  can  be  got  above  freez'ng  point  and  our 
oiilv  s  'lu'ion  is,  'hat  in  the  genial  ^unshmeof  'he  rr-alo'S  of  Opera,rvery 
q  prtiity  is  held  lor  he  time  in  >oItiM«in  hv  oieans  of  that  liquid  harmony 
we  have  hlrrady  spokm  of,  whicfi  c^d  mt-lt  the  anow  that  caps  the 
summit  of  that  Moun'ain.  in  bia  own  opinion,  and  Holehill,  in  other 
people'*— an  upslnrt  Iiord. 

Besides  ihe  neutralisation  of  political  acids,  the  evaporation  of  aria- 
tocratio  air*,  the  giving  off  of  vapours  which  are  invariably  dissipated  at 
the  Opera,  and  other  f^eat  chemical  results  of  the  delightful  climate,  all 
leadiaic  to  the  harmonious  blendinr  of  a  variety  of  naturally  repugnant 
parts,  we  may  look  upon  many  of  the  boxes  as  little  laboratories  of  them- 
selves, for  the  formation  of  other  unions  of  a  still  more  delicate  kind. 
Here  18  carried  on  the  ^reat  science  of  Maternal  Alchemy,  the  art  of 
malob-making,  which  consists  in  the  happy  combination  of  oDJects  pos- 
8<y»ing  various  propcrMesj  as  distinguished  from  llie  unhappy  combi* 
nation  of  obiects  possessing  ro  pn-per'y  a»  all.  The  n.ysierics  of 
Ala'emal  Alchemy  are  pracised  »i  h  immenie  success  m  the  regions  ot 
Oprra,  where  Ihey  can  be  carried  on  with  far  more  t^fTtct  tiian  in  that 
OKMl  laborious  of  Uhoratories,  a  crowded  drawing-room,  where  the  fair 


practitioner  finds  hrr>elf,  after  all,  in  the  position  of  an  exhausted 
receiver,  wi'b  no  satisfaclory  result  actiievrd. 

In  an  Opera-box  the  b:st  ingredients  required  for  match-making  can 
be  used  to  the  bcM  a<Ivaii'age,  and  wo  might,  wit.hou';  oilEculty,  furnish 
a  manual  of  maternal  chemistry  for  the  guide  of  those  desirous  of 
practising  t.he  art.  For  instaDce,  we  might  suggest,  a  proc-s'^  like  the 
rollowing,  which  has  often  been  adop'ed  viih  success.  Having  found 
the  objects  you  wish  to  bring  mto  union,  you  must  pUce  them  toze'her 
in  the  same  box.  Use  a  gooit  quimMry  of  the  essential  oil  oi  Moca^^SAr, 
for  capillary  attractioa  ha?  been  known  to  cxrrcisc  a  very  po  •er  ul 
influence,  and,  by  the  lurnns  of  thrso  oils,  ex'emal  prt>perti!*a  have 
been  made  to  supply  the  pUce  of  a  vacuum  within.  With  r.hr  riiatmals 
for  oombuslinn  thus  prepared,  yuu  must  be  careful  to  prevent  con- 
tact with  ordinary  sparks,  lest  Fpontaueous  combustion  should  fake 
piBCB  in  a  quarter  for  which  you  were  not  prepared.    In  making  up 

yonr  mind  as  to  the 
object  >ou arr about 
to  introduce  for  tfaa 
purpose  of  union, 
you  must  tiike  care 
th&r,  in  relt^'ing 
anybodv,  yuu  select 
one  thai  is— in  ci»6- 
mioal  languatrr;  —  a 
solvent  for  if  you 
should  happen  to  hit 
upon  MU  in-a-  Ivent, 
not  only  would  your 
labour  be  thrown 
away,  hut.  a  tr rriWe 
explo&iud  might  en- 
sue, and,  in  any 
uuii<n  that  should 
lake  plac^,  both  ihe 
ohjecU  «voutd  bs 
kept  eor.5ibn  ly  in 
hot  water  through 
lite  inability  of  one 
of  ihetii  lobquidatQ. 
The  a«cprtjiining  a 
body  tobeasi  Went 
is  a  very  dilicate 
process,  and  it  it 
sometimes  alt^m^t- 
ed  by  llir  appl  icat  ion 
of  avarie'yoi  Testa, 
which,  hoMfCver,  are 
not  always  *o  be 
relied  upon,  for  se- 
veral bodies  have 
be^n  known,  wliea 
under  the  meltinfc  operalion,  togiveoutaqnantityof  gold.of  which  thrre 
may  have  been  a  little  loose  upon  i  he  surfacp,  wil  hout  its  bring  a  Gx'-d  oro- 
pertyoftheobjec'.whichhastumcdouttobeanvthingbnrHS  Iv^-ntatlast. 
There  are  numerous  properties  favournbte  to  the  forniition  ol  a 
matrimonial  union,  but  care  nms*-  be 'aken  that  thpBC  properties  ara 
not  neutralised  by  others  of  a  dilTerent  kind.  The  Extract  of  Ilo«ea  in 
the  complexion  has^  for  instance,  been  frequently  known  lo  fail,  in  con- 
sequence of  its  bemg  rnade  up  of  some  delrtrrious  compound  wbru 
nature  has  failrd  to  furnish  the  uiual  supply  ;  and  the  prarlir-st  of  'ecth 
will  go  for  nothing,  if  the  speech  is  sour,  for  vincirar  will  dissolve  the 
finest  pearls.  In  matrimonial,  as  in  other  chemistry,  the  re'ort  is 
eerviceiible  when  used  wih  diicretion,  but  a  retort  must  on  no  account 
whatever  be  so  negligently  managed  aa  to  lead  to  an  exp!"si'tn,  or 
bliw-up.  The  theory  of  refraction  and  reflection  is  also  to  bes'udied 
by  ihe  match-making  experimentalist,  for.  in  giving  out  rays  oi  light  or 
aun.«hine  from  the  countenance,  i'  is  usel^s  to  give  thmt  out  upon  any- 
body of  such  density  that  thfi  raysdonoT.ncnetrale;  but  when  a  refrac  iott 
takes  place,  and  one  object  consequently  becomes  refractory,  thf  o  her 
objecr.  has  a  tendency  to  reflection,  and  no  union  is  farmed.  The  maternal 
alchemist  ha.s,  however,  only  to  manage  matters  with  care  and  prudrnoe, 
lor  aucccsa  to  crown  her  efforts,  and,  though  the  machinery  ii  rather 
eioensive — consisting  of  the  cost  of  a  box,  to  form  what  may  be  called 
"  I  DC  p'ant  "—the  result  is  generally  achieved  in  a  single  season,  after 
which  the  laboratory  may  bn  given  up  for  a  repetition  of  similar  expe- 
riments by  o'her  hands.  Having  carried  our  remarks  on  the  chemistry 
of  ntatrimonial  combinations  tx)  a  considerable  length,  we  will  pause,  leat 
we  make  the  reader  feel  as  if  his  head  were  a  mortar,  and  every  paragraph 
we  pour  into  it  a  fresh  dru».  In  treaing  of  the  phy-icAl  aspects  of  our 
subject,  we  have  got  for  a  time  in'o  a  sort  of  Apothecaries'  HaII,  wdioh 
we  baat«n  to  get  ou*:  of,  and  to  return  to  Her  Majesty's  The&  re,  where 
we  hope  to  be  found  again  by  the  reader  next  week. 


I 

4 


PUNCTI.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVART. 


181 


A    BIT    OF    MY    MIND. 


BIT  THE  THIKD. 


MBS.  U0U8BR  VISITS  TITG  H0U6B  OF  COHHONS.      HB&  OEINIOK  07   TniS 
VISDOH   OF   PARLtiOlKNT. 

As  I  fai.I.  I  bavn  been  to  th*  Hoa»e  of  Comiiiona — *o  wha'.  Moo«er 
a'U  ibe  Hritiflh  Kou^e  or  Solomon.  It  may  he;  hut  sil  as  a  wonian, 
I  cta  Mv,  is  This — I  didn't  find  boLOMOM  a^  homr. 

I  aidu't  brlicirc  ir— no,  1  dian'i  tlnnli  I  could  even  dream  it— tba^.  I 
should  evfr  bold  man  less  than  I  did.  (  shall  never  trust  uir«elf  aicaui. 
for  I  thougbt  1  couldn't  go  lower ;  and  now,  mm— if  L  raaj  be  allowed 
Ihfl  wYird — seem  to  me  n'>  mora  IhAn  micp. 

Befora  this,  I  always  lookrd  old  a*,  the  man  for  'he  taxes.  And  now 
—  now  Pveseenifae  flOf.  of  people  hat  make 'em — I  shall  despise  him. 
I  know  it  *8  wronc  ro  sivn  way  to  p  rjudice ;  s'ill,  as  pioraimt  Peacock 
USfd  to  say — '*  A  p'fjudice,  if  rightly  manared,  may  p*«  for  a  viruft  ; 
just  as  mutton  properly  hunjc,  may  be  put.  off  lor  veniion."  Whereupiin, 
lor  Uie  fnlnre,  I  shall  hate  the  tat-galherer,  and  think  myself  the  belter 
for  my  aversioa. 

The  Wisdom  of  Parliament !  Well.  I  shall  never — never  go  up  and 
down  sUira  withouf.  thinninft  of  it — tor  there  it  i\  in  tne  passag)*  and 
on  ^woof  fttie  landings,  there's  that  precious  Wisdom  in  tluee  placfts 
Thre*  blind  win  "ows  have  we  in  our  house — 'hree  indijrcnt  blind  c^sc- 
menfs,  as  I  call  Vm,  wi'ti  bricks  for  glais,  and  what  is  more,  trlhng  the 
m^annMS,  or.  rather,  poverty  of  ua,  to  all  the  worll — hecavise  the 
world's  10  ill-natured,  it.  won't  give  people  proper  credit  for  meanness, 
bu*:  will  put  it  down  to  poverlv — when,  if  it  w«sn'C  for  Parliamen', 
we  'd  hdve  its  wisdom  framed  and  glared,  and  not  wisdou  in  darkness — 
wisilo'",  indeed,  t-ha'.  chea  s  the  Klazi>^r,  and  sliams  Aiudows  with  hnoks 
sod  mortar.  After  what  I'vd  seen  and  whst  I*v«  heard  in  the  Hou*e 
of  Commons,  tU'  lights  of  I'a-liament — as  MoussR  sjmetimes  calls  'em 
— are  to  my  mind  nothing  more  than  blind  windows. 

To  think,  toOj  hov  I  'vj;  b-cii  pu'.  upon  by  that  House  of  Commons! 
Since  I  w»i  a  air',  1 'vo  heen  given  to  'hedeba'cs.  '*  My  dear  AifELti." 
p'lor  auQt  Pk400CK  used  to  »ar,  "you'll  weaken  your  mind,  dUuting  it 
with  lho*e  speechrs  in  Parliamen'."  S  ill,  I  used  to  think  it  so  won- 
dfrful  'hat  men  could  go  on  talking — talking— from  col'imn  to  column, 
just  as  small  beer  runs,  and  runs  from  a  barrel  when  once  tqroed  on — 
never  h'»gglin(r,  or  stopping,  or,  so  to  spe«k^  onoi  brpaking  the  ihred 
and  taking  i'  up  again.  But  la !  only  to  thiuk  of  a  Member  of  PArlia- 
ment  takea  as  lie  is  on  the  floor,  as  tbey  call  i*,  with  ail  his  slovenliness 
sb:>ut  him, — and  iheOf  to  &^e  bim  im\rt  and  nent  as  a  new  pin  in 
Iht  mnming  p*p*r8  !  *'  Why,"  as  I  said  to  Mocser,  "  it's  no  more  the 
ssm-  Memlwr  than  I  'm  the  same  woman,  with  onlr  my  ni^hi-cap — not 
that  I  would  bo  seon  in  the  sort  of  night-c*p  t'-at  some  propl-^  wear — 
SQ  1  tlie  satno  wo-nan  in  my  party  ttirha  i  and  bird-of-paralisc  f*a'her  '* 

Bur.  Itt*  me  eipUin  mrsclf — for  I  iciU  ex[)0ie  tha'.  Hou-'c  of  Commons. 
Yes  — I'll  ptck 'Lie  Wisdom  of  pAflumenl  to  little  bits,  and  laush  at 
tliepieoas     Bu^  just  listen. 

One-,  iMoUBSaand  i  were  walking  together— not  th*t  we're  often 
ouC  with  one  anoLtier;  indeed,  as  i  say,  people  can  hardly  bstieve  tha^ 
Mcusea  has  a  •ife  an  all,  I'm  so  little  with  him— well,  onco  we  were 
ou' ;  and— [  don't  know  what  could  put  it  into  mv  h-an— of  course  I 
looked  Kt  the  shop-  as  we  went  by,  tlionah  MoUskk  took  no  more 
BOfio"  of  Slops- ha'ing  thar.  he  wan'ed  to  s'op  at  a  lis ii monger's,  *h  tre 
wa«,  ht  stid,  such  a  mmlc  salnon — no  more  notice  of  'em  than  if  he  'd 
bern  on  Sah-^btiry  Plain,  or  IUmsga*e  sands.  At  last  he  drew  up  like 
a  rock  m  front  of  a  window,  and  holding  my  arm  in  his  likfl  a  vic\  and 
poi  rinz  «ilh  his  <i<ick.  he  got  al  uost  a  crowd  about  us.  "  Li'>k  tiere, 
Vfus  MocetR,"  sai'l  he,  in  ihd'  cold  dra*n  voice  of  his  wien  I  kno* 
he  means  t^i  he  avgrsvaMog — "  looK,  Amelic  Isn't  ihis  a  dreadful 
sijh*— a  shocking  ci'nhiiiou?"  "What's  dreadful— whs^/s  s'loct- 
in<?"  1  s-k-^fl— knowiijg  wh*t  he'd  be  at  all  the  iimc.  "F^ls^ 
pe'tiooats — alse  cha.'nis — false  blanlishmen'-s;  falie — fal^ — false—" 
and  he  went  on  in  such  a  way,  I  w-mdu't  if  I  could,  rrp^a*.  him. 
•*  Wuy."  ho  crii-d,  *' wi'h  «uch  hypocrisy  before  his  eyes  '—it  was  in 
th's  w»y  MoiiBKK  alked  of  a  le»  hannless  bits  of  crinoline— "  wi'h 
such  dec  i  in  twen'y  places,  what  is  a  man  to  believe  true  in  lifeP 
Unly  think,"  he  cried,  and  then  he  laughed  in  such  a  way,  my  blood 
went  quite  cold,  "  only  i  hink  of  an  Eve  in  borse-haLr ! " 

Now.  what  I  mean  to  sav  is  this — as  1  d<d  say  it  to  MOUSIK  him- 
self, bringing  back  to  hts  mind  that  very  anop-window. — "Now, 
MoDBSft,"  said  U  "only  think  of  the  Wisdom  of  Pa^lumont  in  the 
House  0'  C'^mmons — ttie  Wislom  with  i's  iiand*  in  its  pock'ifB — stam- 
mering and  sh  ilflmg — and  hokin?  ui  at.  the  cil'Ug — *nd  th-n  feelin< 
all  ro'ind  i  s  ^.lou  h  for  the  propsr  word,  aid  a-iLloti  gettin*  it — ^'le 
Wisdoii  'ha*  j  rks  up  o  a  r*«d-b  «x  an  I  giv-s  it:  a  lap,  and  th;n  s'arU 
baet  avain,  as  if  the  Widom  had  burnt  I's  fingers, — >hink  of  'his 
Wia-loi  >n  such  a  quandary,  knd  riim  see  it  liiced,  and  piff  d  an  1 
poddel  ou  h\  a  Aowin<  sui^  of  print  in  the  morning  papers— thnk  o> 
Xki\  and  then  l«>ok  in  my  face  it  you  Oin,  and  Answer — .es,  jusr  t  II  m 
— waethrr  ibe  Wisdom  of  Parliament  doesn't  wear  crinulioe  (oo  ?  " 


"Well,  what  wa$  Movsim's  ansirwr  "  Am  sua,  you're  a  foolish 
woman.*  Yes;  and  wifn  ihuse  very  words  men  h«Vf?  gone  on  all  ihrsa 
ihousAnds  of  years  stopping  our  mouths,  and  aim  s  mttkinr  us  believe 
'e  n.  Now,  1  only  wish  tha*  every  wo  u^  in  the  land  would  make  up 
her  mind  to  go  into  the  House  oC  Commons— not.  that  there  '■  any 
decent  olace  for  them ;  oh  no!  theWisiomof  Parliament  haa  taken 
care  of  that.  But  perhaps,  after  all,  the  Wisdom  has  some  shAme;  and 
seeing  what  a  little  it  has  done  for  us — how  much  it  h»s  put  upon  us— - 
doesn't  like  to  mret  us.  And  I'm  sure,  if  a  woman — I  me^n,  ol 
course,  a  woman  with  a  spirit ;  for,  as  aunt  pB-A.raoK  used  to  say, 
almost  wii.h  tears  in  her  eyes,  "Some  wom-n,  Ameua,  w*nt  the  spirit 
«o  do  'em  ri^ht,  just  as  some  bees  want  a  proper  sting,"- if  a  real 
woman  wants  her  blood  to  boil,  let  her  only  go  into  the  House  ol 
Commons.  Let  her  there — il  shn  can  only  amoiher  her  fecUn/s  to  do 
it— have  one  g<)od  look  at  the  Wisdom  of  Parliament ;  some  of  it  fast 
asleep,  so^ne  of  it  wi'h  its  hat  on  and  iis  le«s  up.  and  all  of  it  as  much 
like  Wisd  >m  as  an  owl  is  hue  a  bishop;  wo!l,  IpI.  her  there,  wi  h  her 
own  eyrs,  look  upou  (he  Wisdom  that  makes  a  olave  of  Mer,  'axiog  her, 
and  binding  her;  and  never  giving  her,  in  that,  very  Honse  of  Commons. 
so  much  as  an  inch  of  seat  to  sit  down  upon  ;  le*  any  woman  tha*.  is  a 
woman,  think  of  what  sh*  lias  sufTered— is  suffering— and  no  doubt, 
will  always  suffer  from  th<it  ILmae  ;  and  then  ry  to  imagi'ie — it' she 
can — whai  were  ray  feelincs  wttea,  hearing  that  Wisdom  talk  as  it  did 
— I  wasn't  allowed  to  answrr  it  1 

"  MouscR,"  said  I,  wh-n  I  came  home ;  and  a  pretty  humour  I  found 
MonsBtt  m,  just  beC4Usc  I  bad  s'ept  into  Purfiament — not  tha' I'm 
going  to  diag  mv  fire-place  and  Mooser's  airs  before  the  wortd^* 
"  AIoDSBtt,"  said  I.  "  how  for  four  hours  I  held  f-y  tongue,  is  fo  me 
as^onishin*."  "Ha-'dly  to  be  believed,"  said  Mouser  in  his  dry, 
cutrinr  manner,  whic  i  I  wouHn't  notice,  i  then  thought  ot  what 
aunt  Peacock  used  to  say:  "Silent  women,"  were  her  words,  "silent 
women  ore  like  oysters— nine  times  out  of  ten  th*v  don't  know  the  valua 
iha'  's  m  *rm."  Not  that  I  fel'  ii  that  wiy  a'  all ;  n>.  the  wonder  waa 
— ^as  1  ^aidto  MocaRR—Uia'  I  didn't  get  up.  and  whether  they  like  I  i  or 
not,  before  a'l  the  .Menb-r-*  of  the  H  mse,  give  ttie  n  a  Bit  o'  my  Mind, 
"And  if  you  hid,"  said  Miuseb  with  a  laugh  'hai  dijn'L  much  beeoma 
him  as  a  husband — "and  if  you  had,  they'd  have  sent  you  to  the 
Tower." 

Had  I  only  known  that.  I  don't  thiok-^io,  not  if  thev  'd  passed  aa 
Act  of  Parliament  for  the  purpose— I hst  I  could  have  held  my  toa<ue. 
I  know  that  the  bouse  would  liavo  gone  to  ruin  while  I  'd  been  away; 
the  flre-irons  and  ateel  fender  covered  with  rust  when  I'd  tco'  b^. 
and  even  I  he  chairs  not  fir.  lor  a  C'tns  ian  to  sit  down  in— n.^verthel"-», 
Ida  think  to  the  Tower  I  would  havi  gone;  'twould  faavo  orought 
iita'ten  to  a  bead.  As  it  was,  how  I  kept  quiet  I  csn't  tell :  m)  sileooa 
was  qui' e  a  miracle;  just  as  if  a  kettle  on  the  fir.' should  be  full  of 
boiling  wat«r — for  thii's  almost  what  1  lek  with  my  wish  to  t^lk — and 
yet.  'or  all  tha',  never  sing. 

The  debate  too.  'hat  1  heard,  was  all  against  woman:  a  cupboard 
queilion — as  I  said  'o  Mouseb — wiih  all  the  meanness  of  men  about  it. 
There's  Md/  Mr.  Henlkt  ;  well,  my  Hngers  did  itch  <o  give  bim  abuve 
any  one  a  Bit  of  my  Miud.  Ha  made  a  m  ition— for  tha  '•  what  they 
till  a  speech — to  cut  down  ttift  wages  of  Mmistrrs  and  everybidy. 
And  for  what  reason?  "  Wh»,"  says  Mb.  HsWLEr— *nd  I  ihjught 
men  were  impudent  enough  before;  but  the  faces  ih.-^ybavein  Parlia- 
ment, oli  dear!— "why,"  savs  ht,  " all  things  are  at  least  a  third  as 
cheap  M  they  were."     All  things ! 

N>)w  I  had  to  bite  my  tonirie,  I  was  so  near  calling  oat—*'  Ma. 
Hejilev,  M.P.  What's  ihe  price  of  shrimps P  They  wrre  sixpnce 
a  pint  when  bread  waseigh'e-npnnc^aioaf,  and  sixpence  the/  are  no*." 

I  should  like  to  luve  seen  wha*:  he'd  nave  .taid  to  that.  Hut  of 
course  luwr  the  saldri!!\  an  I  i  'a  the  womsn  that  tuiis*:  suff-r.  Tha 
Lord  CaANCELWtt  comes  home  and  says,  "  My  dear,  they'vecu*  ras 
dow<i  a  tiiird  ;  you  nius'  Ice^p  hoii<«e  for  uJf."  I  coud  se*  it.  with  tbs 
qiiaf'^r  of  an  eve,  i'  was  only  aio'h-r  at'ack  upon  the  sex;  anjtiier 
blow  At  wonian  ;  *nd  all  'h*  meaner,  h-c-ius   s*\«  isn't  represented, 

"I  Ve  diicuver  d  'he  rcAson,  Mic  ModsER,"  said  I,  get'intc  warm. 

"And  I've  discw.-r^d  the  r-ason,"  said  h%  win  a  solcm  i  look; 
"  the  re<iSon  why  my  breccues"  (be  has  no  such  things^  "  luy  breeoaes 
get  so  old  as  they  di." 

"  Why  ?"  said  I. 

"Because,"  said  he,  "whsre  I  wear  them  once,  you  wear  thsm 
twenty  limes." 

Well,  you  may  8upp;>se  I  didn't  think  bira  worth  answering,  or  I 
couiti  have  given  him  a  Bit  of  my  Mind. 

Yours  till  ntxt  week, 

TAe  TIoHeiftitckUt, Amblu  Mousbb. 

7^6  BHnd  Asylum  for  Pictures. 

TairaLGiR  SqciRF.  tt.is  always  been  described  as  "the  most  splendid 
■it^  in  K'lroye."  Ihi^  mty  account  f»r  he  Vernon  GJlerv  b-ing  *o 
long  bunrd  in  tUv.  loiMii  v,  as  it  was  lak  -n  for  granted  iha*.  "  wv.\x 
ttii  most  spleodil  h/«  in  £urops,'*  no  one  oouli  foil  seeioc  pic'ures, 
even  in  a  dark  cellar. 


'S^*^.  •«A.. 


182 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


"I   SAT,  TOMMT,    COMB   AMD   »BOTK.      HbRB's  THB   POOA  ObSBS  CAH'T 
OICT  TBB   WAQOlIf    VP  1" 


"DOWN-DERUY  DOWN"  WITH  YOUR  SALARIES. 

"Cut  your  coat  according  t©  your  dot'-,"  say*  rhe  old  aiiaite,  and 
"Cut  your  S'tUries  accor^.i  g  ro  jour  corn,"  is  the  prp"*rn'.  cry  of  ibti 
PrO'reiiunisto.  M&.  HEMJiY  pruposrs  lo  pay  he  JuUhcs  and  all 
o-lier  public  TunotionArtcs  on  a  tcale  ti>  ber  ri'giiUteu  b^  tbe  price 
of  wheat,  so  tbat,  whea  the  farmer  is  getting  so  niuch  a  quarter 
bSH  fur  his  wnea',  the  Jiidxe  will  bf  vctinK  so  niuo  a  qu  r'er 
ten  for  his  ralary.  Tbe  Mark  l^ne  Ezpes  will  be  raire<ly  <i>keii 
in  and  perused  at  all  tbe  Gjveriuueni  uiBc  a,  aud  :lie  diKnitarit  s  of  the 
Juaicittl  b^iicu  betore  prooeedin^  tu  sii  in  Wetftniiu titer  Halt  will  rua 
rouiiU  to  Maik  Liue  to  ttscrrtHi'i  tbr  market  vhIuc  of  their  btrvioes 

Wh  a  wiieAt  is  low,  their  Loid'^hips  *ill  give  evii.encr*  01  tbe  ao  by 
fht  ir  rye  tace« :  and  i ,  on  the  contrarv,  oa  s  snould  be  looking  up,  the 
Courts  would  o*>k  in  he  sunshine  rcflect«a  trom  the  &milin<  f.^o  x 
prerliik  kbove  the  ermine.  Au  arrival  ront  Ddntzic  «iti  dis^  wiib 
woe  the  featurrs  of  *  be  Eichequer  Bdrons,  while  a  large  intvortatton  from 
Odessa  will  oloud  the  benevolent  brows  of  the  judges  of  the  Queen's 
Bench,  and  tbe  Courts  0  Chancery. 

We  cann  t  suy  we  admire  the  wi*doin  of  the  prop05>itiQn  to  put  a 
Juuge's  learairg,  impar  ia'ity,  and  discre  ion  intr>  one  scab,  and  a  sack 
0  corn  in'o  thr  o  her  ;  nor  do  we  ihlnk  their  Lordrh  p9  ooght  to  l/e 
grouna  down  with  ihe  wheat,  oas,  and  barley  that  may  be  thrown 
upon  the  handn  cf  the  dealers,  or  sacriflced  at  a  low  figiire.  Le'  us 
by  all  n  eatiii,  treat  >inecure8  iu  every  recp?ct  as  we  would  com,  by 
cut  ing  down,  'hresbing  ou%  or  winnowing  awiof  'be  oliaff ;  out  to  make 
a  aliitinA  scale  uf  reu.uueration  for  pubic  sevic.  s,  ably  and  conscien* 
tioi.fti  p  rfoniltd,  is  an  expedient  alike  difficult  in  practice,  and  con- 
tcmpiible  in  piinciple. 


Bibtborp  on  Food  and  Salaries. 

PpbaKIKO  of  Mr.  Henlet*»  shan  motion  for  the  reduction  of 
offiei<ti  salaries.  Colonial  Siutuojlp  is  repor  ed  by  one  of  the  organs  of 
hie  p-  riy  10  have  sai  ,  'b*t — 

**  Ha  nv  M  rvMOo  why  the  mUtIm  of  the  IndlrMntli  who  tdomed  thtt  boDth 
AoaM  Bot  ha  ndaoad  In  pnportloa  to  tbe  prlee  of  Ibod." 

VI  ba<  dors  Co.  Onel  Sibthorp  understand  by  food  P  It  is  said,  that 
an  Irish  member  present  during  ihe  debate,  anawered  this  question  by 
asking,  "IsittuisUesr'* 


MAXIMS  AND  OPINIONS  OF  PIBLD-MARSHaL 

WIDDICOMB. 

When  War  is  concluded,  all  ai*imosi*T  should  he  forgotten.  I  love 
to  see  tbe  British  and  French  troops  ira  eraise  t(  gethr-r  as  soon  as  tbo 
Battle  of  Wa'etloo  is  over.  To  set  them  a  good  example,  I  have  oftcB 
tossed  with  Marshal  Ney  ni>8e)f. 


Folly  may  fake  liberties  «iih  Wtudnm,  but  let  Wisdom  oooe  get  'be 
whip-hand  of  Folly,  and  Fully  soon  drops  its  tone  and  learns  to  keep  a 
respeoful  distance.  

Every  man  has  his  "  Saw^qmpeHl"  I  oonfess  I  should  ran  awaf 
myself  from  an  engagement  where  I  was  told  I  should  meet  nothing 
but  Irishmen.  

As  to  moral  courage,  I  have  rarely  met  the  three-months-after-dale 
kind.  I  mean  unprepared  courage,  that  which  emibles  a  n  an,  wi  hout 
wincing,  to  put  his  name  to  a  bill  ihe  moment  it  is  placed  before  him. 


I  was  madly  fond  of  Poetry,  as  a  young  man,  but  I  had  to  stand  one 
morning  at  rehea^^al  behind  Ducaow's  Pegasus,  and  he  kicked  it  alt 
out  of  me.  

I  travelled  orceTtith  Gomersal.  "What  are  you  P"  said  the  man  at 
»i'e  poMpoit-  ffio!'.  "I  AM  THK  CniLD  OP  Oestiny,"  loudly  an«w» red 
O0UEH8AI4  at  naturally  an  t>  he  bad  bren  that,  momfnt  on  'h  -  Fifki  of 
VVairrliK).  Ue  wa«  very  ind'Rnant  when  hiscnstumeof  BuoVApAHTf 
was  taken  away  front  him  at  Boulogne.  I  n  ooll  c*  he  was  very  nearly 
iihpri  oned  out  of  miniake  for  Prihce  Louis  Napoleon,  and  only 
owed  bis  enrape  to  the  fHCt.  of  his  uoi-  Iteiuy  able  o  sinak  a  word  oif 
Fr.-nch.  Whether  he  cherished  any  de«iii;ns  upon  the  French  throne, 
1'.  wouU  ba  tbe  faeifi,bt  of  pn  sumption  in  mo  to  say. 


If  people  are  discontented,  ^ive  th  m  a  riddle.  \t  ia  astonishing 
how  quie(. 'hey  become.  I  am  posi'ive,  if  riddles  were  to  be  asked  in 
the  llouw  of  Con.m'tns,  tia*  niany  of  tho-e  riolous  ptoof^inga  would 
be  put  a  stop  !0,  which  are  a  disgrace  to  a  cmltsed  community. 

They  oall  me  ambiioits,  but  my  onlv  arabiHon  has  b«en  to  bathe 
centre  of  the  most  la.<-h  0  •able  circle  m  London,  and  in  ti'is  I  havd  lung 
ago  succeeded.  If  my  aml>ition  had  been  ol  a  "vauling"  kind,  there 
is  not  a  barrier  in  mhn's  pAtb,  wi*icli,  wi  h  the  hor'«ea  at  mv  oonima-id,  I 
f-oidd  not  easily  have  leapt  over.  Those  who  call  me  ambitious.  Utile 
know  me.  

It  WS8  Napoleon's  favonrile  boas%  that  "  he  had  made^  all  hii 
Gene-altt  ou'.  ol  ■.  u  i."  I  mav  tM>Har  of  the  same  otiui'i  ff>r  mine,  for, 
as  a  rul>*,  I  never  u  ake  a  n^n  a  General  in  my  army  un  il  1  know  he  ia 
a  "  thorough  brick."  ' 

If  you  ask  me.  which  are  ih-  b  »t  tioop«,  I  answer,  "The  Iri-h." 

They  will  st*nd  fire,  like  a  mu'»on-chop.  Their  love  of  fiarhting  leads 
them  into  all  !«orts  0  disturbances.  Th-y  should  have  been  born  raiors, 
they  are  such  delicious  bUdes  lor  a  rcrape.    In  fact,  if  th^^re  is  a 

?uarrel  in  'he  siee%  you  may  make  up  your  mind  10  this— that  an 
rishman  is  as  sure  to  b<:  there  as  a  pnliceman  is  not. 


Tbe  May  Prince. 

It  has  been  anthorita'ively  announced  that  the  new  Prince,  baring 
bern  ho  n  on  the  b<rthday  of  the  Duke  of  V^  eixi^^oton.  ii  to  be 
named  Arthur,  in  compliment  to  tba  Hero  nf  Waterloo.  We 
perlec'ly  ap^nive  of  thi"  ai-rai'gemen^,  and  regret  that  *e  c-uinot  second 
the  Biigges  ion  of  a  highlv  rrspecahlH  deputji'ion  of  chimne  -sweeps, 
wtio  wai  ed  out>i  <e  our  office  on  Wednesday  la^  ,  with  a  proposal  tbat, 
in  cons  que'ce  of  the  10  at  iu>ant.  having  ben  horn  on  Chimney- 
Sleepers'  Day,  he  should  b^  called  ihe  Black  Prince. 


SOWETHIMO  MEW  UNDER  THB  SUN. 

Another  Comet  is  announced  fhor'lv  to  make  its  first  appearanee 
these  iliree  bundred  years.  If  all  the  Comets  arrive  that  are  pre- 
dicl-ed,  we  doub,  if  the  sky  will  be  large  enough  to  hold  such  a  Fobsb 
Comet-atus  1  

A  Pine  Neigbbourhood  for  Medical  Men. 

NATOLEOir  did  erer>thmg  to  improve  the  Pat  is  market-nlaoee. 
" The  ma' ket^plaon,*'  he  was  in  th**  habit  of  uyiiig,  "i^  the  Louvra 
of  the  oo^lnon  people."  We  wonder  what  m*  would  t-are  nod 
of  iK>me  of  our  r'arteuplncs  P  We  0  n  imagi  e  h'A  -ayina  "  8mi*bSetd 
Marki-t  is  Ihe  liospiiel  of 'hecommon  p  ople;"and  it  may  he  for  <bie 
very  re«son,  now  toat  we  think  of  i*,  th<.t  Barlhobnuw's  Hospital  M 
placed  so  conveniently  in  the  miudle  ot  it. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


183 


PITNCH'S   HAND-BOOK  TO  HEU  MAJESTY'S  THEATRE. 

T  the  Ti«itora  to  Her  Mn- 
je*  y's  I  hpftt  re  b»vit  g  now 
BAitl  Mlninst  rnoiigh,  we  'urn 
to  iBftdp  inislraiidD.  which 
OomprtBfi  atniosf.  u  manjr 
departiiiPTits  as  are  t>>  be 
found  in  Uowning  Street. 
The  Govframen'"  is  not 
limited  to  a  Bingle  rorm, 
but  ji  dudes  the  ii<oiit*rcli- 
icfti,  whicb  is  alwava  kept 
up  in  the  prr-on  of  the 
rci^inf  Queen  of  SoD|r,  as 
well  as  the  repr^aent*  ive, 
wbich  is  prewvrd  by  & 
■erieit  of  reprrseQta  ions  as 
coii'plete  as  ^\\tv  can  nos- 
ftibly  bo  rcndercfl,  by  alfow- 
inie  even  the  h  urn  blest 
individual  a  voice  in  the 
repnfcenia*ioD,  with  fnll 
litierf  J  to  pive  h's  voice  all 
the  power  of  which  it  is 
capfchle.  The  qtialificatioo 
rrqiiired  on  the  p^rl  of  those 
who  have  a  voicr  in  the  re* 
prraemation  is  not  pecu- 
niary, I  ul  ihey  are  expertrd 
to  proHnce  eerfain  notes  of  required  value,  which  they  sre  allowed  to  keep  depi  sited  in  (heir 
ovn  otte«t«  until  the  prodticnm  of  the  notes  is  rrquired.  It  is  sccordinjc  (o  the  value  of 
Ihrsr  notrs,  Nud  the  power  of  issuing  ihrm  at  |>lea.*ure,  '|i«t  a  voice  in  flic  repre»fnlaM"Q  of 
Her  Msje^ly't  Thtare  is  es'in  a'en,  und  thp  grpa'.  firm  of  IjABLsche  and  Company  have  been 
known  o  s'Od  fonh  so  many  ro'es  o'  an  rx'ao  dmary  va'ue  iu  the  ct'ur«c  oi  a  lew  hours  that 
the  n-fou  c^s  of  Her  Mnj  Bt>'»t  Tlirnirc  hitve  been  pronouncetl  inexlianrtihle. 

The  h.on«rc''iCiil  drisrtn.ent  of  ihe  realn  s  ol  Opera  coDiains  a  ly  ic  'hrore,  occupied  by  a 
Queen  ol  Son^.  who,  though  not  coming  lo  the  |)ric  hrone  b>  hereui  ary  hgh^  ui«>  be  said 
to  Mircerd  to  it,  for  wi  •  out  succeeding,  to  arrive  «(.  a  high  position  in  Her  Mi^esty's  Theatre 
would  lie  qtiite  im  possible. 

He  'hould  usr  up  a  nioderstely  si^ed  roose  in  prOTJding  ournelveB  with  the  quills  necessary 
to  wiitr  :he  h'stonrs  of  all  'bi  Queens  of  bong,  V'tii'-h  uoulii  foini  an  intrr  sling  c<>nii>hDion 
lo  'he  Livri  of  thi-  Qu'-rn;'  of  Ki  ^\)t\)d,  hut  we  shkU  take  a  pAssiog  glimce  at  a  few  of  ihose 
•  ho  have  worn  the  laurel  crown  of  Oprra'ic  royalty. 

It  I*  not  nfcS'sry  to  TcCr  the  origin  of  the  ex'cnatve  dominion  which  has  been  acquired  by 
lb*- Q 'e*-ni  of  Sonv,  but  ttiere  i«  ro  dotbt  that  the  lirst  of  ihr^m  arrrved  at.  he  heiul  nf  an 
1  a'tan  i'O-'pe^  wiro'i  was  soon  joined  by  a  powerful  ban',  comprising  the  nativrs  of  various 
c^un'ri  s,  una  BCting  under  >hr  direction  i)f  a  leader,  wlirs*^  olj'-c  has  always  been 'o  ensure 
har j  ouj  ki  d  uiiifurn.ity  of  ii.ovtrtucni  hmong  the  lorcis  under  turn.  Thr  lieitd  ot  ilie»e  foics 
ma^  be  Mii  *o  occupy  m  «imih>r  rank  <o  that  rf  Fitld-Marpl'al,  anu  be  is  invefted  with  a  ba'un 
as  tbc  «mhl  m  ol  bis  office,  wbich  is  Iha'  of  Coiuii'Knci<r-ii:-Ciiiei  of  all  ibc  forces  o*  the  Opera 
Wirtiout  KOiiiR  very  far  bark  into  t  tie  annals  of  Musi<al  mouarchy,  wr  shall  con'ent  ourteUea 
vitb  flanoing  at  ponie  ol  the  conipara  ivety  modem  rcign\  conirarncioic  «itb  that  of  Pasta, 
who  ext-ci-'d  a  ^oterctgn  sway  some  tweniy  years  ago,  and  whose  career  was  remarkable  or 
ve^r  hrilian*  ac'^i-vpmenls. 

iJu  ing  ihe  Pasta  ovi>a*'y  several  valuable  acts  were  introduced,  which  have  been  in 
op^fhtion  ever  s  ncr*.  and  cverv  Qaren  of  Song  who  has  come  aiter  her  baa  kept  n.ost  of  these 
ae'«  in  lull  torce,  and  h-t^  addrd  otber^  to  ih    Ope  aiic  staMite-book. 

The  b  ric  throne  wa«  next  occ  p<ed  b>  Gmsi,  who  enjoyed  (or  some  time  an  almost  und<s- ' 
pu'cd  rovert-ign  y,  imiil  rh-  year  1847.  »hpn  -hesfinitwliai  unexpectedly  resolved  on  kbdicahnflr, 
ai  d  j  in  d  an  Ov>era'ic  republic.  Tiie  reign  oi  Gjijsi  ba^  b  en  lonit  and  prospe  oiis,  for  she 
ssocndrd  *h  Oi^er^  'C  tbrune  a>  an  f-arly  a^r,  and  ^o  greai  wa-  hc>  popularity,  ihal  hrr  abJica- 
tioQ  1-  ust  be  aliribuied  to  ihc  inHurnc  of^  her  idvtstr*,  v>ho  ir  dncrii  her  to  vacate  a  throne 
which  shemiaht  have  oontinited  to  fill,  but  which — as  an  interregnum  is  abhorred  as  ihoioughly 
la  a  vaouun — snot  hrr  soon  camr  fu  ws'd  to  occupy. 

'Ihr  in>m'^diate  Fucce  sor  ot  thr  GiiiM  dyiaait  was  th^  illiiKlHous  Jbnvy  Limd,  whose 
dominion  viK^  Hw  uiost  absolute  ev'-r  known,  and  whuse  reign  was  -n  uDJnterrup'eu  senes  of 
trinript)*,  (traced  by  the  bon  ag'<  «i  nil  clu're\  Iroin  ib*^  nms'  exalted  to  the  hnnblt-st,  who  vird 
with  ra^h  o'licr  in  eagrmrs* In  acknowledge  their  cap^ivation,  i  tiof  Iheir  captivity.  Treasure 
aod  'fibiite  poured  in  to  copiously,  tbar.  the  rt-TcDUca  were  Vbs  ly  iroreased,  and  though  a 
ertpfiderahle  tax  wa.^  intposrd  on  ibe  incomeK  of  'ho-e  de-irou*  of  paying  c  urt  tn  Lhr  reiitniog 
Q'lren  ot  Song,  'he  Tieasury  deparmei.t  f  Hf-r  Msje  ly'a  Ihraip,  round  difficulty  in  accom- 1 
mo-  aiior  those  who  c'ainird  Urc  j>rivil  ge  of  b mg  the  lorrmo-t  to  part  wrh  I  her  ui<  ney,  and 
who  in*i*tru  on  the  n^iv  to  a  primity  in  Ihe  payu.m'  0'  iheir  co'  tiibufions.  'Vhtt  ofiitcr-  of 
t'e  Operatic  treasury  werr*  k'  pt,  c  n^'^n  ly  as  tms^  as  th**  Chancf  tlur  of  th*-  Ew-hequer  is  at 
th(8>-  periods  whrn  the  publrc  c-  n-cieno  is  in  a  p-.rticu'arly  s'n<i  ive  state,  and  t>  e  >•  n-t)0ui  d 
ootea  rome  MimSling  in  from  alt  the  Y.  Z.*s  and  unwise  he  ds,  the  A.  B.'-  and  GABY's,  who 
think  to  rub  off  a  lunK  course  of  wholesale  lr«>d  on  tlierevctiue,  by  a  single  acr  ot  rrUil 
bonp!|ty.  Tbn  brrlliancy  of  this  rcifrn  wab  unexpectedly  cloudea  by  the  aniicat  ou  of  ibe 
rfia.ning  Queen  of  S-ing,  whose  drparti  re  threa>n*d  to  leave  a  fearful  vacancv  on  he  lyriol 
throne,  wiieo  happil>  liie  eipedieui  ol  apsiura'ion  was  resolved  upon;  and  SovtaS  cvme  I 
fofW«r<l  <o  resume  the  ecepire  she  had  fomeiU  held,  and  by  hrr  preuature  rcijfji.a'ion 
of  wbtoh  G&ui  had  held  the  undisputed  sovert-igaty. 
like  empue  of  Soktao  was  at  onoe  ackoowledged  by  all  parties,  and  bcr  rei^  has  been  aa 


^Ortmts  and  proeo^rons  as  any;  that  haa  preceded 
it.  Her  rr-finement  and  intriligrDce  have  CA<iied 
I  the  introduoMon  of  several  very  d^8irHble  rcforit.a 
'ino  Opetatic  affhirs,  and  many  ac's  tim'  b«d 
becme  ob-Kilefc  h*ve  been  retitwe.i,  while  o'h  r 
ac:s  have  been  irdebttd  to  her  fur  cons^derahla 
ari-endmei.l.  Evrrythirg  she  has  suhmitrrd  to 
the  a  t^ntion  ui  be  house  haa  b  fn  received  in 
the  nost  enthnsiiistic  manner  wi'liont  aiiTVision. 
and  there  is  everr  irotrpect  that  'he  iir«-»ent 
Q'leen  of  8nng  will  enjoy  a  reign  of  popuUrify 
Itqual  to  any  of  her  pfcdcrMRors. 

ihe  Operatic  sovfreignty  ia  to  a  certain  extent 
electoral,  for  no  one  can  hone  lo  till  the  Ivrio 
throne  who  has  not  been  called  to  il  by  general 
acclamation,  and.  though  there  m&v  be  an  occa- 
sional instarcc  of  a  Pretender  wpiring  to  the 
position  of  Queen  of  Song,  ber  titln  is  never  ad- 
mittrd,  and  i  is  found uiT.rrlyiii.p(ts'ibl»''o  n.^ke 
a  house,  in  which  her  supporters  would  lia^e  a 
majoiity.  Even  if  the  CTrl  list  or  free  li-i  were 
to  be  Vastly  extendrd  b*  the  adminMmiion  for 
tbe  purpose  of  inor*  a^ing  the  number  of  her 
triinds,  and  an  auKmcuiaMun  of  the  p^lviI^g»•d 
orders  we rt' to  be  resorted  to,  with  the  vtew  of 
giving  her  a  facliiious  support,  ttjea'tentpt  would 
be  n-er  by  the  wnhtioldrng  ol  the  supulie*  until  the 
[eat'Olishment  of  a  legitimate  Opera' ic  monarch. 

The  Queens  ol  Sung  are  sonie'imea  pUccd  in 
circums'ances  of  extienie  dlffi>  ulty  b*  vir'ueof 
their  sovereiaiity;  and  a  narrative  of  thfir  friuls 
would  fumiflh  a  volun>e  of  oonsinerable  interest 
to  those  who  B>ntpa  hise  viiih  aoirow  m  white 
satin,  misery  in  muslin,  or  fenal^  dis'reM  o'  any 
kind,  in  any  cos  uu.e.  Sonretimes  the  Q  een  if 
Song  n>Ry  he  p^een  l-nnginr  on  to  t  hr  knees  of  soii<e 
excitfd  hero,  who  i»  panting,  with  all  ihe  energy 
ol  a  •leani-Tui,  to  ptill  liinme  f  sway,  unit  the 
<ccupant  of  the  lyiio  throne  falls  prosirae,  like 
an  abandoned  bag  ol  clothe-,  shhken  ruiliirssly 
I  from  the  b^sket  or  barrow  of  some  uegleciul 
laundress.  A'  limes  iha  Q  een  of  Song  n  av  be 
seen  in  ref al  ».tiire.  sea'r^on  her  throiie,  ^vhiofi 
vanes  in  us  stjle  witii  the  particular  tccasion, 
and  in  ihf  C'lurs'^  ot  a  few  nronths  •p'^in>eits  of 
1  he  U(}hols  cry  of  all  na  lOns  will  he  <  xhibi  ed. 

I'  18  a  remarkable  fac:.  ilml  wb.  n  Ttie  Q  i#-en 
of  S>ng  qtii >  the  rcgul  npaitiornl,  I's  TurLiturn 
is  cjuneii  off  alier  tjcr,  bv  altetiuanfa  wtio  w»»ik 
in  and  remove  he  lahUi  andrhttirs,  a  proc  eoiiig 
which  would  canseaca*ual  ob  erv  riosnppoNn 
tliat  heg-'odsateeillier  b  ing  »wept  oiT  by  a  d's- 
Irrss,  or  hat.  iltey  arc  rfquircl  lor  the  ii«c  of 
the  roout  into  wliicli  royalry  h»8  re  ired.  What- 
ever  may  he  titp  pride,  p- rnp,  auu  circtrm<"ai<ce, 
with  wh-.ch  the  Qaeeu  o;  Song  has  wi'hd  awn, 
the  itiroue  siie  ha.  juat  ijuitied  is  pull>o  off  buck- 
wards  b)  its  biiid  legs,  ihe  golden  table,  wi*h  ine 
gulden  inks' and  on  i*,  m  e  oiosfd  ttetwern  the 
two  chairs  bv  a  splerd'uly  li^eri-d  lacquey,  and 
the  foo  stool  upon  wbicn  captive  prtM»  ers  tave 
been  knreling  in  honiage.  is  whisked  oti  by  tbe 
bardsulano'i  ct,  who  win  heseensoonafrerwards 
doinnabitu:  O^TaOc  ganlentngwith  a  wale  ing- 
pot,  out  of  which  he  iingaies  the  i^roui  d  on 
which  the  fluwers  of  the  btdJet  are  atwut  to 
soring  up.after  abrief  iuteivai.  Stmieiimra,  the 
Queen  oi  S^ng  may  be  ^ern  inovinK  in  tie  coq. 
cems  of  humblr  U')ciatic  Itir,  and,  di^gni^ed  as  a 
pei.sant  git),  will  be  lound  flou  whiii^  boiira'h 
tlie  D  uliguant  curtes  ul  irautic  old  aenttcnien,  in 
flowing  will  e  wig!>,  subnilttng  to  flirialio  s  wi:b 
**sp*Ufcleii"  offictr*,  or  being  ihrxtwn  off  by  in- 
du!i«nt.  s<"aiiiii  in  Dutch  irou-em  ami  ^aIu 
jackets.  Nrvertlirl  »•,  litis  capati  y  for  nil  situa- 
ti  liS,  torus  the  gnav  ol'iir  and  glory  of  rhe 
Quern  of  ^ong,  wbosc  popularity  inc(c%ses  wiih 
every  ruJe  repulse  trcm  \iw  lisuus,  mouili,  aims, 
anu  le^s  oi  ilie  lovers,  fa  bT*.  broheis,  and 
soiuetimci  even  the  moihers,  oi  Opera. 


I 


A  Gbavh  RespoNsiBiLiTT  —The  wor<tt  thin* 
we  can  ^ay  oi  iiie  Mf  riypoU  an  In'ernieota  Bitt 
is  that  it  u  a  "  g tgftutio  undertaking." 


184 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


f:    '.<->:- 


r 


•-^ 


A   HOST    ALABXIHO   8WELLIH0 


SALAKIES  AND  SINKCURE3. 

We  have  heurd  several  instances  of  iijfttnt«i  bora  wiOi  silver  spoons  in 
their  mouMis,  hut  Mierr  scr'iiis  to  he  ano*h«r  class  of  TiT'iinalr  indi- 
vidiiaU,  wlio,  iviiboat  nc'iially  cnmintc  in'o  titc  wurlj  witli  itir*  vuluahle 
ar  icie  ORtwern  their  lip*,  are  found  wi'h  a  prodi?iniia  n.ouHi  ul  of  platr 
before  tbB  cipirtttion  of  Mieir  chil  hool.  The  nflice  of  ll^-Risttar  ;o  iho 
Preroiralive  Courr  ol  Can'erbiiry  w  a  t  ice  fflic;^  of  'be  loaves  nnd  (islir^; 
or,  to  follow  OMt  lite  allrnory  of  th**  pla'e  lM.«!ket,  i'  ti-Hy  bp  tfnird  a 
most  enviable  fih  slice,  to  r>n  p'ac'd  m  ihe  iufaniine  moiiibs  of  'bcse 
who  were  uol  provided  at  thrir  bi*th  wi:h  the  spoon,  for  which  they 
have  of>en  a  remaikable  affiDily. 

The  Uegisirarol  the  PreropaMve  Court  of  Canterbury  enjoys  some 
£12,000  a  year,  which  is  coi\«iiirred  capable  of  yielding  a^tisiacli  n  not 
only  to  the  actual  possessor,  but  by  anticipniion  to  thos"  «ho  are 
likely  10  come  in  f  r  it ;  hnd  thu",  while  one  individual  is  gorging  hmi> 
aelf  to  h'B  hea'l'a— or  his  pocket's— cmt»-n\  on  the  ample  imi  nutri- 
liouB  meal,  there  are  alwa>s  oihcrs  apiK-iiitpd  to  s'and  b*^  and  revrl  in 
the  »avuury  odour  of  ihc  banq^^t  to  which  I  he  v  are  rorninat.  d  to 
vuocerd.  when  the  gorniaudiser  in  esse  has  relinquished  his  bold  on  the 
inex^ninliblw  o'ckin^s. 

We  are  glad  'o  find  that  an  act  is  in  existence  which  will  de'ea*  the 
rerersifmerH  lo  thisdlnlionoua  meal  at  Ihf  pulilic  exprnse,  and  we  hop** 
Lord  Johm  Kitrsku.  wHl  h^vr.  'h«  tlrnmtss  to  keep  off  the  hnnpry 
eipecfRii's  «ho  are  wai'i  go  cram  them^t-lves  on  Mis  great  pi^C5  •  f 
thr  grrcneU  fa*  that  ever  teiiiptv«l  a  siuecurist's  glu  tony.  If  the 
Keitisirar  baa  anything  (o  regi^trr  which  rrallv  wanu  re?i3»erii>i,  Irt 
bini  be  paid  for  the  work  be  niiij*  have  to  do ;  but  12  000/.  nr  14,000/. 
K-year  serms  an  exorbi'ant  sum,  it  it  wer«  even  lOr  reK>»t«riDg  all  the 
ltove>,  pjilctott,  and  shiita  tha*.  are  uiauufao  urcd  in  the  course  of  the 
iwdvcmonth, 


May-Say  Sbopplng. 

luPinmrAts  of  a  pombre  oast  of  mind  were  offered,  bv  an  advertise- 
ment which  appeared  on  Wrdnp-Ktny,  Ust  werk,  in  the  Morftiitff  Poti^  a 
decided  trea'.     'I  he  no'i'xaUvn  alluded  t-)  thus  comnirncfd  : — 

•pXHIBITION  tl.il  day,  May  1,  ofMOURMNQ  CORTUMFA 

A  rather  sea50Dable  and  npprrpria»r  kind  of  fhow  this,  for  Mav^ay. 
perhaps  it  w«a  aot  up  m  riv.Jrt  lo  ih^  fotivi  irn  of  the  sweeps,  wlio 
put  off  (heir  «ble»  on  'hat  in-rrv  anniver<ary  to  darce  wih  JaCk-in' 
the-Green.  The  exhi^i  or  of  Mourning  t^'gtumes,  we  auppose,  in- 
tended to  amuao  the  public  wiib  a  Jack-io-the-Black 


HE  TTOULD  BE  A  KKTQHT. 

Sou£  letters  have  appeared  in  the  papers 
from  a  provincial  Mayor,  intent  on  the  hoDOun 
o(  knighthood.  He  regrets  be  was  not  in  town 
on  the  occaMon  of  "be  lale  Mayoral  ftatbehng 
at  the  MuTiMon  House,  and  atlribatcs  his  ab- 
sence to  itidhili  y  to  ca'cb  a  IfAin,  added  to 
an  anxious  doubt  whether  his  travelling  cx- 
prnses  would  hhVe  born  allowed  bim  out  of  the 
lunds  of  th«  Corporation. 

We  were  not  aware  that  the  GoTcrament 
contemplated  making  Knights  of  any  of  Ibose 
who  CA'.i^e  up  to  make  anigbt  of  it,a  short  lime 
bark,  wi'b  ine  Londou  citizens.  The  camlictate 
'or  diftnity,  lo  who!>e  spplica'ion  attrntion  haa 
hern  drawn,  is  evidently  eo  intent  on  Knight* 
hnoii,  that  he  it  prepared  to  seek  it  at  any  prioa, 
— even  a'  the  price  of  a  railway  fare  to  lh«l 
Metropolis,  Considrring  the  anxiety  there  tt 
lo  increase  the  revenue,  at  any  sacritlce,  it; 
night  b:  advisaV.le  to  gmnt  Knighthoods  at 
an  much  prr  bead,  or  per  hood,  lo  every  pro- 
vincial May  IT,  who,  tike  the  individual  to  whom 
we  bare  alluded,  14  aei'Kt-fd  by  a  fierce  resolution 
o  tiick  Sir  lo  be  b  ginning  oi  his  nan>e,  even 
though  lie  should  pay  his  own  travelliLDg  ex- 
pensea  up  to  lown^  to  secure  the  dignity. 


AKIMiL  MACniNIBT, 

JfACHTNERr,  we  perceive,  i^  to  be  included 
anofiK  <be  hiuKS'o  be  shown  attheExhibi  uin 
of  1851.  Our  national  indusiry,  no  ooubt,  wUl 
nmke  a  splendid  display  ol  bteam -engines  and 
*pinnint[-;rnnie«,  hui:  certainly  tlie  moat  Ibo* 
rough  Rning  m-tcbine  wh'ch  this  count ly  could 
cx-ibit  is  ibe  British  soldier. 


w 


1^ 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARrVARI 


187 


A  HINT  TO  ORATOR  HBNLKl. 
Or,  WkaC  i  Sauoe/or  the  Gander  u  Samea  for  ike  Ooou. 

Or.  Hkhlct,  m^  Hknlbt,  t*kt  heed  of  thft  line 
T*-Mt.  lo  api'e  tuc  F>ei  •tmopr*,  you  tnko  upon  salaries; 

Alii  b-vajf,  Uflt  while  heut  bu^  •  n  nibkinK  a  shine, 
In  your  own  biaz  n  biiil  you'll  be  roa-iieii,  hke  PiiAXAkiA. 

£ACh  Ditn-jack  id  uf&ce  to  out  dowD  tou  a'rtTc, 

Bv  wt  a'  111  our  ftrhtK)!  ifcjrs  wa»  called  rule  of  three — 

"As  wheat  at  eiahf  shilling*,  todirto  a-  five. 
So  wha^  Balaties  are  to  wbal  salaries  Bliould  be*" 

If  thr  ra'iiw  be  eqiml,  can  vou  and  your  fri«*ndff 
As  true  fiuti»  of  ProtfctioR  wiihho'd  yi>ur  consrati, 

AVlifn  n  nile.  (food  for  o*hrr  lolks  aai'ii^a,  ftxtends 
MMtatia  muiand'S,  to  take  in  your  rrmis  T 

Uh,  b  jw  would  Tou  look  if  old  Job,  all  eUt^, 

By  «our  own  rul*-  of  thr'-e  wrre  to  bffg  you  'd  allow — 

Th.iT,  "ns  wheat  at  five  shiilin^s,  ^n  ditto  a^  eight. 
Sj  what  rentals  ihomld  be  to  what  ten  ali  are  now.'* 


PROTECnON  TO  BttlTISH  SEPULTURE. 

Th8  fir«t  (linnT  of  the  United  Undfrtaker**  Protection  Socie'y, 
^ointril  lor  the  p<irp>'e  of  oppoMnK  the  Metropolitttn  Interments  hi'!. 
^  k  puc  -  jCMtnday  kt  the  PI 'nie  of  Fra  lieri.     The  vi^nd^  wlijch 

iipn^-d  Mttf  rery  ch  icc't  fuDTal  baked  meats,  were  supplied  b* 
.\tt.ssa3.     Klmtood    and    Natlor.      the    chair    wa«    occupied    by 

[h.    I'OBOOT. 

Oa  'he  rtmoral  of  tbedo'h,  £>»  iVQ/MHi/w  was  sung  by  the  profea- 
[onal  gei  ll  men  irom  the  Shad'n. 

Tt^e  cu»ioin»*ry  lova'  touts  bsviag  been  unceremoniou''ly  disposed  ot*. 

Mr.  H\TCUitfcHT,  of 'he  Bm  ot  Hatchment  aj*d  Wokhs,  row  t« 

in  pus*  to  ine  a«9e:t  hly  (heir  old  'oair-.  Oca  fa.     Witli  lliia  roaar  he 

onlJ  coiip*e  A  rts  ilulioQ,  nsmcly,  thhl  a  Commtttfe  bs  appoinlC'l  to 

innsiu  r  ttie  b-s'   mfans  u{  <ieieatiag  the   Me'ropolttan  In'ernien  s 

\\\\ ;  A  m^a^ure  wljch   by  putting  *be  bodi'^8  of  deoeast-d  i>arties  ia>o 

itic  hards  oi  the  OjvfruQirot,  wi  u'd  take  the  bread  out  of  tbeir  (ilie 

Uouei  takers')  mouths,     {He<tr,  Mear.) 

\  hf  tf<ft«r  WK*  drunk  down>iiitting,  am'd  cheers  and  Uughter. 

Mu.  TiuuKLs,  in  seconding  the  nioiion.  hoped  they  were  tiled  in — 

or  i«  tie  iui}$l>i   perhaps  be  allowed  to  say — screwed  down  {iMtffAUr), 

h*eaMBR  he  should  wish  th?  pall  of  privacy  to  be  extended  over  his 

obft  rvaioDB.     I  he  toa^t.  they  had  just  reeponled  to  expr^Me^l  a  fact. 

iTtirrr' waonodrmbt  ttiattbey  got  their  livinv  by  death.  B**  did  not  know 

luch  L«iio,  hut  his  moio  wa«  "  J^ort  Janma  fHa.**    The  measure  in 

tursMuu — hf  fch  ul'i  like  to  take  the  measure  of  the  framer  (Aror) — 

rniild  uiminUti  general  mortality.     True  ;  but  then  it  would  take  a«ay 

heir  living,  and  as  a  iH>et  bhd  aud  — who,  ho  be-lieved,  was  buried  at 

Stnirford.:jn-A«ron — *' Tnu  took  a  man's  life  when  you  rook  the  means 

he  lir-d  hy."     {Hear,  Afar,)     The  hill  proposed  the  establishment  of 

ceiiifl*n-a  away  from  human  habitations.     By  thii  arrangement  the 

cauv«  of  dea'h  would  be  limi'ed  toca-tual'iesaud  romtnou  diseases.  At 

pr'a-nl,  out  corpse  male  many.     Everybody  builrd  in  an  inrramural 

C'uruhyaM  cunt<ihuted  more  or  less  to  uioxeaso  deaths,  aud,  therefore. 

Uieir  prullts.  {.Cfuert.) 

Scaiff.    Ma.  Bblioks.— '*  Kinff  Daalh  was  a  rare  old  F«Uote*' 

Mfi~   Shbuwdall  held  in   hs  hai^d  the  Report  of  the  Board  of 
fi>al  h  oit  a  genrr«l  sclirDie  for  exir«niur~l  si-pul  ure,  a  book  uhich  he 
Should  pronounce  very  unpleasant.     1'  Irt  out — he  should  say  di*c'o*ea 
— *h«t   bad    much   better   irmain  buried — buried  was   Ihe   won) — Id 
oblivion.    Such   a  book  ought,  to  be  contradicted.    The  public  w&o 
told  b  it  that  the  air  was  poi«oncd  by  bunal  grounds  {okf  okf) — thht 
jtbe   water  from  them  soaked   into  the  buudoa  wells  {»ham«) — tha' 
emanations  from  the  dead  produced  strange  and  loatbaonie  di»ea<ieB, 
and  all   manner  of  things  ol    that  sort,  shookmg  to  the  generAli\i, 
though  nothing  to  those  who  are  used  to  them.    Th^re  was  a  deal 
in  It  alio  a^out  crowded  vaults,  which  would  have  the  effect  of  making; 
people  dtftoonten'ed  wiih  Iheir  long  hnmea.  and  of  deterring  them  from 
.    going  'o  church,  which  mus'  lea^l  to  infidelity  (ins'-). and  ibis  reniin^ed 
/     bim  of  hii  toani.  whieti  was  the  Church — always  in  connexion  wih  the 
(      Cfaurctiyard.  {Cheera.) 

Song.    M&.  RuMBaLL.'"  Doion  among  the  dead  Mm" 

Mb.  MurFLBa  «aid  be  hod  read  the  Board  of  Hf-allb's  Blue  Book 

/       sod  c  -ns  d-retl  it  low,     U  went  againa'  the  proper  diiiindion  b'  twcen 

/        BTCsp-Cable   funeral  and  a  conim  )n  aff-»ir.    iC^i^t  <^  " tli*bi/^**)     h 

\.        Qkllca  thfir  t.«king  a  fa^r  sdvanrage  '-f  the  frtruds  oi  the  par  v  und  r 

^s^meUncbnly  circa  fsia&oes.  extortion  ipi>aiu)\  and  it  actually  afolare<l 

Jticrmeak  "  %  most  oofit  subject  for  oouuuercial  speoulatioa."    The 


interment  bill  was  founded  on  that  report^  and  he  agreed  with  tb* 
meeting  at  St.  Marv'»,  Lambetb,  where  it  was  eloquently  said  that,  ^ 
*uc*i  a  bi'l  was  to  become  law,  "if  would  injurr  trade  and  hurt  the 
ferii'  gs  of  the  naj  -rity  of  the  parishiuurrs."  There  was  ooe  mo»t  ob- 
jeo'ioDahle  clause  in  the  bill,  pruviaing  ibat  funerals  performed  under 
the  niaosgentem  of  the  Board  of  Utaltb,  shall,  for  the  l^^west  on  the 
scale  of  the  Board's  prices,  **  be  c^induo'ed  with  decency  and  solemnity  " 
Wl-a^  was  this  but  «  direct  premium  to  uranueai,  and  blow  li 
business?  He  would  direct  'heir  particular  atientiou  t»  the  cUu> 
proviling  rec  ptioi>-bo>'aes  for  hodic  beiwcen  d''alh  and  int^rnteaU 
A  Kood  Dry  mii^ht  be  g'-t  up  acainst  (his  a*  an  tuitrage  upon  s'^rrov^ 
and  all  that  sort  of  tbtcg.  The  asuessmeat  clauses  should  also  be 
a 'acked  vigorously.  A  knowing  spp^al  to  popular  prei  idic^  ndgbt 
defeat  this  measure,  which  would  be  as  desiruo'ive  to  tliQiM»elvet  as 
wholes jnie  to  the  cominirniw  ;  and  the  rejeciton  of  which  he  would  now 
propose  iu  a  bumper,  {.muck  cketring.) 

Giee.  Mbssbs.  BBixoEa.  Shbxekeb  and  JoLutr,—** 2^  6ixmM  CVotf." 
The  resnlulion  having  been  put  and  carried,  sOer  a  vote  of  thuiks  t« 
the  c'<airman   for  his  adu.irable  conduct  u  a  Mute  in  ihe  Chair,  the 
meeting  separated. 


THE  RED  FARMER. 

{Prom  cmr  Sitrat  CbrropcMEal.) 


BIS  morning,  during  a  rsm- 
Ue  in  thr  fi'his,  L  ob-erved 
a  man  »it,  iug  on  a  stjie, 
drtSBcd,  indeed,  in  the  pink 
of  a^iiculiural  fa-hion ; 
namely,  in  a  bn^a'l-hrin.med 
bat.  bn>w>>  ooal,  black  wai'«t. 
coat,  drhb  hreechrs.  1  a' her 
uaitcrs,  and  stout  hifchlowt, 
but  whom,  otherwise,  by  his 
gloomy  look,  a'  d  great  beard 
and  mous  aches,  I  should 
liave  taken  for  an  enoru<ous 
Prenctiman.  Discerning: 
however,  what  he  w»s,  1 
could  not  help  eiclaindng 
audibly.  "Is  tins  a  sample 
of  the  Brilisi  Farmer!" 

"  Eras  it  is,"  said  the  agri- 
onltur<il  gentleman,  '*  and 
what  have  you  got  to  zay  to 
unP" 

"  I  beg  your  pardon.  Sir." 
Is  it  not  almost  timn  for  mowing  f  " 


•Mowuu  P  "  responded  the  farmer.    "  Biat  Iheo  a  fool  P    Mowun  at 


I  replied,  "  for  thinking  aloud. 

run  P  "  responded  the  larmer. 
this  *ime  in  Maav  r   Haw — haw — haw!"  ,■    .     ^ 

"Eiouse  me.  Sir,'*  1  said.  "  I  mean  b  particular  kind  of  mowing. 
May  I  suggest,  t'lat  a  rsBor "  *    .    l 

"  Ho,  ho  t  "  laughed  my  rustic acouamtanoe.  Thee  wanU  lo  know 
why  I  dwooant  shaave,  1  s'pose.  Wellj  I'll  tell  'ee.  Di  .sr  ever  see 
the  likencM  of  that  feller  BiMUB.  the  French  rcvulutiomstf 

''Certainly,  Sir."  1  answered,  wondering  what  could  have  induced 
him  fo  copy  BjLBBts  in  anv  pariictilar. 

*'  Diist  read  what  the  Dull  or  RlCBMOKD  said  in  the  Houm  tother 
nig'it  about,  we  VarmersP" 

"  He  in'ima'ed  tha^  you  would  not  continue  loyal  much  longer  at  the 
present  price  of  corn  "  I  replied.  . 

"Tha' 'sit!"  eiJai...6d  the  farmer.  "I  wears  all  this  here  hair 
about  my  muule  to  show  whv  Govcmmen'  be  a  dtivun  u«  to,  and  what 
they  've  to  expect  vrom  us  if  they  dwooan't  gic  us  back  Purtec  io".  I 
n-pjins  to  goo  up  to  Lunnun  at  the  head  of  a  deppitation  lo  LoBD  JoHjr 
Russell  to  tellun  our  mind  ;  and  bv  way  of  a  nroad  hint  to  un  I  shall 
appear  afore  un  this  here  fisure ;  ana  likewise-  to  convince  un  that  I  be 
in  downright  amest,  damea  if  I  dwooan't  stick  odd  o*  them  red  foolscaps 
on  my  head,  and  pui-  on  a  pair  of  ladies  boots.** 

**I  hope,  Sir,"  I  remarked,  wishing  him  good  morning,  "that  so  in- 
geoious  BQ  eiyedieat  will  meet  with  all  the  suooesa  it  deservte.** 


Reform  youv  Oourt  Flir«sea. 

A  LaBOB  Rbwabd  is  hrrebv  offered  to  Awtbody  connected  with  the 
Pre8\  who  wilt  satihf'ietoril)'  explain  why  he  calls  au  a>idi'ioD  tu  ihe 
number  of  the  Itoy-l  Familv,  an  "auspicmu*  even' ;  "  and  rhe  adver- 
lisT,  Jfr. /*aac*,  earnestly  hopes  that  some  original  ioumabst  will 
invent  a  phrase  suitable  to  be  atmilarly  applie<i  to  ibe  bin  ho)  B 
prince  or  princes^  Bud  oonve/ing  at  toe  sauie  time  an  ialeUigibii 


THE    WONDERS    OF    A    LONDON    WATER     DROP. 


Thb  freabeat  (ruiU  of  nucroscop'Cal  research  are  the  wonders  which 
bare  betn  revcaJed  in  a  drop  of  boDiion  wa'cr  throuirh  the  Molecular 
Maimifier.  illui.ina'ed  by  the  In'«Uecfual  iSlwj'ric  Li>ht.  For  tiie 
»hiUty  to  behold  ihcse  astounding  niftrvelt,  a  certain  prrparniion  is 
iecesurr«  bearing,  superficialiy  considered,  bouiC  rfs^n^blance  to 
J|Jtanieii»m.  The  pr.r»ou  inUnded  to  be  Ibc  Seer  la  placed  on  a  a-at. 
Any  comperent  mdividiial  tben  Ukea  him  in  hand,  and  explains  to  him 
the  compositioa  of  water,  tbowuig  Uim  how  the  pure  fluid  difl'era  fiooi 


the  liinid  constituting  the  Thames,  and  from  that  which  exists  tn  tha 
iiietfopolitaa  wells,  when  (he  former  lia*  receired  the  cout«n'8  of  tha 
sewrn>,  and  'he  tau^r  thn  ouzings  of  intmitiuritl  gr-*Te\ards.  801116 
deUcate  suhj'-otB,  even  of  the  male  sex,  oumot  endure  thu  process,  it 
afffC'inK  Lheci  wiih  laintness  and  nausea. 

Having  been  subjected  to  the  above  pre]iminiirie<t,  most  people  ar6 
in  a  sutScienr  st^te  of  enlightenment  to  discover,  by  the  aul  of  tlK 
Molecular  Magnifier,  the  curioaitiea  contained  in 


-^. 


.'.r-'^- 


^^^ 


w), 


^. 


V, 


_(:' 


v-i5 


■K? 


M 


-\'' 


■JtHii 


^J) 


^ 


A    DROP    OF    LONDON    WATER. 


SL 


The  drop  to  be  magnified  is  tak^n  from  a  mixture  of  the  common 
Wfll-wfctcr  of  London  with  that  supplied  bv  the  various  Compaoie?. 
Mr.  IIassell,  it  is  already  known,  hat  enanled  pliiloi>ophrrB  to  dii- 
criniinate  between  these  waters,  hy  the  veruiinous  and  0  hrr  pecu- 
liarities which  he  has  demonstra  ed  in  euch  parricnlarfurm  of  bcverase. 

The  Molecular  MBgnili:*r  differs  from  all  other  micro'-copet,  in  dis- 
pUymg  the  ultimate  con«titution  of  objects;  aspeetacleriot  only  defying 
the  UHlted  eye.  but  all  vision  which  is  not  in  a  measure  psvchical. 

And  wondr«ut  indeed  i»  the  acene  diicloaed  within  toe  sphere  of  a 
little  drop  of  water — of  that  water  which  Londoners  drink,  swallowiuf^ 
daily,  mjrnads  and  myriads  of  world%  whole  universes  instinct  witn 
life,  or  life  in  dc&lh  1    It  tianKcndi  all  that  has  hitherto  been  deemed 


ai^tonishinfr.    America  herself  will  confess  that  it  atumps  the  rerelatioM 
of  Andkkw  Jackso"*  Davis. 

C  eatnred — wlio  shall  name  them?  thinir*  in  human  shape — in  all 
appearance  London  cinzena — aldernien,  deputies,  coiumon  couiicilmro, 
^-are  aeen  disportinv  in  the  liquid  dirt  a^  in  their  na'ire  element. 
Behold  ihem,  fiercely  husilinR  each  other  in  comp-titmn  for  atnmio 
garhsge.  What  pushing,  poking,  flj^hting,  kicking,  scrantbling !  There 
«oesan  unfortunire  wreioti  fast  ua  if  for  dew  life,  with  a  hook*no«ed 
homunciilus  —  evidrntly  a  genuine  water  bttililT— darting  after  him. 
Here  a  cheap  slop-seller  has  caught  a  smaller  individual  of  ttie  same 
specieA  bv  the  head,  and  is  trying  to  bolt  him.  There  again,  as  plainlr 
u  posaible.  ycu  see  a  funeral  procession  with  an  undertaker  at  the  bead 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


189 


ot  it.    Look !  a  Drath'sllotd  Larvft  iiimpa  out  of  the  coffin,  fliupi  up 

ihe  undertaker  uxd  kicks  ftWHftbo  foUofrers  m^o  rvwe.  See  yonder, 
wbut  ft  twisUng  reptUery  of  c&lBn^-*P>DnerB !  Ooseire,  above,  the 
kno'-of  knarkprB  tormcnimg  ihai  unlortun»te  bewlle.  B<'lo",  mark 
vbo  fry  of  alaosh'ertnen,  who  *rc  n-iw,  howcTer,  mftkmR  their 
onslaughts  CD  eaoii  other.  On  s  sudden  (be  universal  fray  becomes  a 
rout.  Monsters,  rising  as  from  a  fctilf  of  darkness,  scatter  the  kfT'iithtel 
eoDibatAaU  rtshi  and  left.  GorRon-lobsters,  buirHprawrs,  dire  chi  >jrnw 
of  turtle,  surely  the  \inutterable  mud  Pythons  of  Mk  Thomas  Caklyle  ! 
One  of  tbem  bas  seiied  a  churchwartlen  :  anothf  r,  an  alderman— and  by 
biiBOutjIef.  Horrible  I    Darken  the  lens.    £nougb  for  one  exhibition. 


What  %'«  those  inftnitesimal  semblances  of  humanity  vbich  hav« 
thuB  been  detected  in  London  water  f  They  are  only  found  in  the 
writ  wa'er  of  cifie%  who*e  inhabitants  bury  the  drad  atnnnff  ihp  ivinj?. 
Th-re  is  a  thenry  rhftt  all  organisation*  are  nmllipte*  of  'b<>m»elr«B  in 
(i.inia'ure.  Well-water,  prrcola  ing  the  earth  of  churcltyards,  must 
npeuscoiitainaI'ie'm*D.  (ieputv.aud'KuiUr  bodies  in  sojtitinn.  Kiaiiiined 
by  lUe  Ml  lecular  Magnifier,  it  ceriAinly  confirms  this  thrnry. 

A  njore  important  ouf a  ion  is,  by  wba*  are  these  btinxs  animated? 
It  ii  all  vrry  well  to  iauBb  at  "  Metrnipsyehofiis,"  hut  who  would  wil 
fully  be  I 'ii  in  an  inTanuir»l  tomb,  having  once  beheld  the  Purgatory 
oompriscd  in  a  drop  of  Lo^ui|^  grjiter? 


¥' 


LINES  ON  A  LATE  HOSPICIOUS 
EWENT. 

BT  A  ClJITLKMlUt  OF  THE  I00T-CUA1U>S  (BLUK). 

I  PACED  Upon  my  beat 

Witt)  steady  step  and  slow. 
All  buppandowsd  of  Ranelagh  Strost ; 

Ba&^lagfa  St.  Fimlioo. 

While  morohbf  buppandowod 

Uoon  that  fair  May  mom. 
fi«oIa  the  boomins  cannings  sound, 

A  royal  child  is  oom  1 

The  Ministers  of  Stide 

Then  presnly  I  sor. 
They  gJlops  to  the  Pallia  g»te. 

In  c&riiuges  and  for. 

With  Biuious  looks  intent. 

Before  the  gate  they  stop, 
There  comes  tlie  ROod  Lota  Pr?sident, 

And  there  the  Archbishopp. 

Lord  John  he  next  eli^ht^; 

And  who  oomes  here  in  haste  T 
Xis  the  ero  of  one  underd  fl;ht«. 

The  caudle  for  to  taste. 

Then  Mb8.  Lilt  the  nuss, 
Towards  Ibem  steps  with  Joy; 

Says  the  brsre  old  Duke,  "  Come  tell  to  u^ 
Is  It  a  gal  or  a  boy  f  " 

Says  Mas.  L.  to  the  Duke, 
'•  Your  Grace,  it  is  a  Pnnctr 

And  at  that  nuss's  bold  rebuke, 
tie  did  both  laugh  and  winee. 

He  rews  with  pleasant  look 

This  pooly  Oower  of  May. 
Then,  says  the  went- Table  Duke, 

"Egad  it's  my  bulhday." 

By  memory  backarda  borne, 

Peraps  his  thoughts  did  stray 
To  that  old  pUoe  where  he  was  born. 
Upon  the  tlrat  of  May. 


Pcrapi  he  did  recal 

Thr  ancient  towers  o'"  Trim 
And  County  MeaMi  and  Dangau  Hall 

Tbey  did  rewirit  him. 

I  phAnsy  of  him  bo 

His  good  old  thoughts  employiu' : 
Fourscore  yrars  and  one  ago 

Beside  the  floniu'  Boyne, 

His  father  praps  be  sees, 

Most  musicle  rif  liords, 
A  placing  niaddrich  s  and  gitra 

Upon  the  Arpsicords. 

Je^t  phansy  this  old  Ero 

Upon  his  mollier'a  knee! 
Did  ever  U<^y  in  this  laod 

Ave  grrater  sons  than  |he  P 

And  I  shoudn  ba  surprij^e 
While  Ibis  was  in  Ins  mtniJ. 

If  a  drou  there  I  winkled  in  hi)  tyt  5 
Of  unfamiliar  brind. 


To  Hapsly  Oosfi  next  di^y 
Drives  up  a  Brooch  and  for, 

A  graciouA  prince  si's  in  that  &||)ay 
(I  mention  him  with  Hor  D 

They  ring  upon  the  bell, 
The  Porter  shows  bis  fid, 

(He  fought  at  Vnterloo  as  veil, 
And  years  a  Veskil  red). 

To  see  that  carriage  come 
The  people  round  it  press : 

"  And  IS  ibe  gall'ant  Duke  at  ot&t  F 
*'  Your  Royal  Ighness,  yes/* 

He  stepps  from  out  (he  Btooah 

And  in  I  he  gate  is  gone, 
And  X«  although  the  people  puth. 

Says  wery  kind  **  Move  hon.** 

The  Uo>a1  Prince  unto 
The  gallant  Duke  did  aay. 

"  Dear  Duke,  my  little  ton  andiou 
Was  bom  the  self  same  i^* 


"The  Lady  of  the  land, 
My  wife  and  Sovrtng  dear. 

It  is  by  her  horgust  command 
I  wait  upon  you  here. 

"  That  lady  is  as  well 

As  can  expected  be ; 
And  to  your  Grace  she  bid  me  tell 

This  gracious  message  free. 

"  That  offspring  of  our  race, 

Whom  yeaterday  you  see. 
To  *bow  our  honour  for  your  Grace, 

PamcB  Arthur  he  shall  be. 

"That  nnme  it  rhymrstofsme; 

All  Europe  knowA  the  sound : 
And  I  couldn't  Hod  a  better  Lame 

If  you'd  give  mo  twenty  pound. 

"  KiKG  Artour  htid  his  knighta 

That  girt  his  Uble  round. 
BulTou  have  won  a  hundred  liftbts, 

Will  match  'em  I  Ml  be  bound. 

"  You  fought  with  Bontpabt, 
And  likewise  Tippoo  Saib  : 

I  name  you  then  with  all  my  heart 
TheCiudeireofthia  babe." 

That  Princp  his  leave  was  took, 

His  hintrrview  was  done. 
8n  let  u^  give  the  good  old  Dukfl 

Go'jd  luck  of  his  god-son. 

And  wish  him  ^ears  of  }of 
In  this  our  'ime  of  Schism, 

And  ho^  he'll  hear  the  royal  boy 
His  lit<lc  carcohism. 

And  uiy  pooty  Uitle  Prince 
That 's  oome  our  arts  to  cheer. 

Let  me  my  loyal  powers  ewince 
A  welcomin  of  you  ere. 

And  the  Poit-Laureat'a  crownd. 

I  think,  in  some  respex, 
Egitrrmely  shootable  might  be  fouod 

i^or  honest  Pueabeuan  X. 


4 


OFFICIAL  RUMOURS. 


IS  (1.1 


CR  own  reporter  informs  ua  that 
it  is  rumoured  in  the  hiKhest 
circles  —  the     upper-gallery    at 
Astloy's— that  if   Lord   John 
RUBSELL  goes  out,  he  will  cer- 
ta<nly  go  out  on  horiebsck  some 
afternoon.     It    was    whispered 
that    Mju    Ddnup     had    been 
offered  a  portfolio,  and.  on  our 
owQ  correspondent  briiig  seot!o 
enquire,    we    found     it    to    be 
literally  a  fact  that  Mju  Duxcp 
had  actually  been  offered  a  port- 
folio (complete,  with  lock  and  key 
and    blot  ling  jiaper),   for    nine- 
penc*.  in  the  Lowther  Afcade. 
The  OM-dEi^  la»t  week  waa.  ttut  Briule&s  bad  posilively  taken  ofBce. 
md  we  are  happy  to  say  that  the  oH-dit  bas  brum  oonfinned,  lor  Bkief 
Wshsa  at  last  taken  an  office— he  bas  been  for  three)  ears  wiihuo  hiuK 
DUtthe  nominal  occupancy  of  an  outec  d(>Qr— up  four  pair  of  stairs,  in 


the  Temple.  BRiZfLiEsii.  it  was  also  said,  had  kissed  hands  on  the 
occasion,  and  it  is  a  fjioi  that  he  kissed  his  hand,  in  the  exuberance  of 
his  spirits  at  his  sew  teoanoy.  from  the  window  above,  to  those 
pauing  below. 

Oh,  Law  I 

It  has  been  decided  bv  a  majority  of  19  in  the  House  of  Commons, 
that  a  Bill  is  to  be  introduced  fur  taking  off  the  duty  from  Attorneys* 
CertifiCAtes.  As  these  instruments  may  bn  regarded  as  authorising  the 
pursuit  of  game,  we  may  expect  the  sportsuian  to  attempt  to  avail  him- 
self of  i's  provisions.  The  Attorneys  have  tften  been  likeued  to  the 
dogs  of  law— though  they  by  no  means  deserve  the  wholesale  applica- 
tion of  the  U'le ;  and  oerlaps,  in  rufrrence  to  their  hunting  afler  ghme, 
the  "Old  Harry— ers"  would  be  a  goo  \  name  tor  Ibem. 


Latitude  and  Longitude. 

Talker.  I  insist  upon  your  telling  me,  i5ir.    Where  have  you  been  to? 
S"n.  I  *ve  only  been  to  the  Opera. 

y&iher.  OperH!    FiddlesUck,  i>ir  1    Why  that  was  two  days  ago. 
Son,  lesiFathei;  butyou  forget  it  was  "A  Lojio  TmntDaTlUl" 


No.  4*»L' 


LIBERTY, 


THE  SHADOW  OK  ENGLISH  LIBERT?  IN  AMERICA. 


APPENDAGES  OP  BLACK  ROYALTY. 

{To  ike  Lord  HiffA  FiuMhtp.) 

Kt  Lord, 

The  hipb  posiiion  which  rou  hold  in  the  Rojr&l  Household  indaces  in«  to  c&U  jrour 
Lordi)iip'i  attention  to  the  fact  that  a  oat  iou  of  negroes  is— U  I  ma^  be  pardoned  the  exprcBStou 
— going  a  head  of  ua  in  what  you,  doubtless,  will  consider  a  most  important  matter. 

Faustut  Soulouque,  my  Jjord,  Emperor  of  Hayti,  a  monarch,  together  with  his  subjecfs,  as 
Uaok  aa  your  Lordship's  boots,  and  probably  as  polished,  has  bren  organisins  an  aristocracy 
iod  a  royal  household  on  a  scale  which  will,  doubtleas,  astouisU  even  your  own  strong  mind. 

Faubtik,  your  Lordship  knows,  woke  up  one  morning  lately,  and  found  himself  on  a  throne. 
"Entering  at  once."  saw  the  Oram,  "into  the  spirit  oT  his  imperial  position,  ho  soon  created 
orders  and  titles  of  noaility.  A  &rit  ordinance  created  four  princes  and  fiity-seven  dukes." 
The  mind  sinks  prostrate, — doe*  it  not,  my  Lord  ? — in  contempUtiog  this  wonder  of  creaUon.  It 
Si  true  that  the  titles  of  some  of  these  noblemen  hare  given  occasion  to  shallow  sneers.  But 
what  if  the  Haytian  peerage  inoiude  a  Due  ue  la  Tauli!,  a  Due  de  la  Mabkelade,  and  a 


Duo  DB  LiuoKADK.  Has  not  oar  own  oom- 
prtaed  Dttkes  or  Gu)()CEaTEK,  and  is  there  any 
reason  why  it  should  not  contain  a  DtKE  or 
Stilton? 

"  Another  ordinance,"  the  Ordra  states,  "crea- 
ted ninety-one  counts.*'  My  Lord,  mar  I  be 
allowed  to  make  the  remark  that  bo  Urfie  a 
number  of  counts  never  perhaps  occurred  in  the 
longest  indictment  P 

According  to  the  same  authority,  my  Lord» 
this  imperiid  blackamoor  has  a  "grand  urDoner* 
grand  marshal  of  the  palaoe.  gentlemen  of  honour, 
governors  of  the  Royal  residences,  masters  of 
ceremonies,  &c*'  Your  Lordshin  will  perhaps 
oonjecture  with  myself  that  the  ic.  may  include 
Lord  Stewards.  Tbe  household  of  the  Empress 
consists  of  "  two  ladies  of  honour,  tifiy-six  I&dies 
of  the  palace,  twenty-lwo  Udies  of  tbe  chapel, 
chamberlains,  squires,  ftc  "  There  is  something 
interesting,  though  psinfu],  in  tbe  idea  of  then 
images  of  British  flimkejdom  carved  in  ehony. 

If  your  Lordship  were  capable  of  ent»rt«iniDg 
iuofa  an  emotion,  I  think  yon  would  feci  some 
shame  in  observing  the  extent  to  which  our 
Court  is  surpassed  by  that  of  Hayti,  in  arrange 
ments  regnlatin;;  co&tume.  The  princes,  diike^. 
and  counts,  who  ba»k  in  the  light — if  it  would 
not  b«  more  correct  to  say,  who  repose  in  the 
shade — of  Faustin's  countenance,  have  to  wear 
a  while  dress,  the  harons  a  red  coat,  and  the 
knights  a  blue  one.  This  combination  of  colotirs 
is  much  more  splendid  than  the  rariegalion  of 
our  own  court  drosses.  Each  of  these  magniG- 
cent  uniforms  is  crovmed  with  feathers,  of  which 
ornaments  the  princes  wear  nine  in  their  bats, 
the  dukes  seven,  the  countn  6ve,  the  harons  three, 
and  tbe  knights  two.  We  have  nothing  to  com- 
pare with  thii<,  my  l/>ril,  except  the  appearance 
of  distiuguiihed  ulGcera  at  a  levee. 

Let  me  beg  you,  my  Lord,  to  take  eapedal 
notice  of  the  circumstance  that  SoULOUQUl  wot 
originally  a  slave.  This,  viewed  in  connexion 
with  bis  "entering  at  once  into  the  tpirit  of  his 
imperial  position, '  and  creating  his  coloured 
noDility,  may  suggest  to  your  Lordship  soma 
pteasini;  reflections  on  the  natural  tendency  of 
flonkeyism. 

May  I,  in  conohision,  earnestly  exhort  your 
Lordship  to  do  all  that  you  can  in  yonr  peculiar 

firovince  to  cultivate  that  tasle  in  which  bu  humi- 
iating  a  lesson  is  afTorded  us,  by  the  En  perch  op 
Hayti  P 

Your  Lordahip's,  to  your  shoebuoklcs. 

Menial  Servant, 
^^^^^^^^^^^^^       VV^CI^ 

A  Bemarkable  Mi»-noxn^r. 

Wk  niunt  (say  that  the  lady  who  presides  over 
the  Sisters  of  Mercy  at  Devouport,  has  been 
treated  very  unhandsomelv  by  our  contempo- 
raries. The  newspapers  call  her,  Miss  Selloh  : 
whereas  she  styles  herself  "y*  Mother  sup'ot 
the  Sisters  of  Mercy."  Now,  she  has  really  done 
so  much  good  with  her  little  imitation,  or  Albata 
Kumiery,  tlmt  we  freely  pardon  her  for  assuminq, 
without  the  least  acknowledgment,  a  title  evi- 
dently taken  from  "  Manners  and  Cvstoms  of 
3»  Englyshe  ;'*  and  we  will  not  allow  her  to  be 
spoken  of  improperly.  Since  she  describee  her- 
self as  the  Mother  Superior,  it  is  grossly  incon- 
siderate, to  say  the  leaat  to  Miss-call  her  as  tbe 
various  journals  do.  We  don't  generally  make 
these  mistakes  in  EnRlaud,  whatever  may  be 
the  case  elsewhere.  Mrs.  Selloit,  gentlemen, 
if  you  please,  for  the  time  to  come. 


A   qiTBEB  qUEBT. 

A  CoBRESPOHDEKT,  for  whom  vre  haremaoli 
compassion  but  no  respec',  has  written  to  us  to 
know,  whether  in  tbe  event  of  the  abolition  of  all 
plurahties,  the  use  of  the  editorial  "  We  "  would 
be  prohibited. 


y 


PUNCH. 


LONDON  CHARIVARL 


191 


'■Look  nns,  Jambi  t — Old  Hissca  is  oohk  oct  or  Town,  akd  I'te 

GOT  BKB   BbiST  OF  k   DoG  WOT  *S    FED    DPQN   ChICKIKOS  TO  TAXB  CUIB  OP. 
— WoMV    I    TRACn    HIM   TO   fiWlM,    NEITHKR  t  " 


A     BIT    OF     MY     MIND. 


BIT  THE  FOURTH. 


XBfl.  UOtrSBB,  nfCOQ. 


ATTBHDS   THB 
INDUSTKY." 


PROTECTION  OP  BMOUSB 


TiXE  spcrot  sbult  die  wi*  h  me,  but  I  're  been  kt  the  Gn  at  Qu&rtcrn 
Loaf  Mcetinfc  at  the  Crown-and- Anchor.  Uow  I  (tot  there— what  1 
went  in — how  nobody  knew  mo — wid  bow  I  saw  nod  heard  uverythiug, 
—lit  this,  I  say,  lihAlI  gn  to  the  Krave  with  me.  To  ^biak  that  a  DobFe 
Duke — the  UuKE  op  Richmond— aliould,  at  such  ■  time  as  this,  put 
our  ^od  Utile  Queen  in*o  a  Irigh^ — forgetting  him^nlf  and  goinie  and 
shjtkinff  hanus,  and  slappiDg  Bboulders,  wi  h  a  pack  of  people  I  hat  talk 
of  overthrowing  the  Lion  and  Uuicoru,  aad  carniiiK  bullo's  find  gun- 
powder into  the  cupboards  of  quie^  folks  -  and  all  because  llie  ciipboardi 
are  filled  at 'oo  cheap  a  rate;  to  think  of  tliis.  ana  wonder  how  the 
Duke  can  ever  think  of  onoa  more  wrapping  hinaself  up  in  his  fur  and 
relvet,  and  Koinp:  to  sup  RSiin— as  I  uaTe  no  doubt  be  will,  if  he's 
asked— at  Buckingham  Palace ;  to  think  of  this  u  to  think  that  loeietf, 
u  MoOflKBCal'  it,  is  going  to  bits,  and  that  not  a  s.ul  of  us  will  be 
left  to  wituess  the  piecp* ! 

Well,  the  room  wns  full,  to  be  sure.  The  Crown— as  I  observed  to 
MoDSBH—wfia  crammed  with  jewels,  many  of  'em,  as  they  seemed  to 
me,  of  thft  first  brandy-and- water, — and  thrn  there  was  the  Ajichor, 
with  Hope,  in  the  shupe  of  the  noble  ohninnan,  a.<t  they  called  him, 
sitHng  smiling  upon  it — smiling  at  the  fourpouiid  loaf  at  B^d.  first 
quality. 

And  people  'alk  of  pride  !  Why,  if  that  dear  DnRS  op  Kichhonu 
bad  Seen  brought  up  m  the  ttrldB  to  frighten  biids  from  the  corn— if 
be'd  been  bred  to  ra  tie  prbbirs  ia  a  tin  pot-  ugiiust  the  !>parrows — he 
couldn't  have  been  niore  alTiible,  more  humblf,  more  like  one  of  the 
smaller  ppople  about  him.  But — aa  aunt  Peacock  used  to  say— the 
really  great  political  man  can  alwaya  make  noihmg  of  himself,  when 
it  'a  for  something  to  hit  advantage.  I'm  sure  I  Ve  seen  many  a  turn- 
pike nun  tbluktng  twice  as  much  of  himself  as  that  blessed  UViLz  op 
ilicHKOND.  Por  only  consider  what  be  had  to  listen  to  t  There  were 
halfa-doztn  farmers  threatening  to  cut  off  all  our  horses — toitir  up  all 
Iheir  ploughmen — and  to  come  and  take  London  to  themselves;  I 
suppose,  sthanng  all  the  gold  and  notes  in  (he  Rank,  and  the  crown  and 
jcwBis  in  th"  Tower, — and  the  Iwopcaoes  of  St;.  Paul's,  and  (he  half- 
crowns  at  Wps' minster,  and  all  of  ua  to  be  sacked — as  I  beltere  they 
call  it— to  make  up  what  tlia  farmers  have  lost  in  the  price  of  corn,  and 
the  wear  and  worry  of  their  anderhtonding) !  All  this  the  Duke  had  to 
listen  to,  and  he  seeuied  to  think  no  more  of  it,  but  aat  as  quiet  and  as 
ooay,  aa  though  the  fiaok  of  £ngland  were  of  no  more  account  than  a 


hen-roost,  and  the  crown  of  Her  GnACiotrs  Majesty  herself  hardly 
worth  fire  shillings.  Bat,  to  be  sure,  there  is  not  hing  so  really  high- 
bred as  indifference.  The  true  nobleman — aunt  Peacock  used  to  say 
— can  alwaja  be,  when  it  lui's  bin,  half  bro  her  to  a  block  of  marble. 

I  have  in  my  time  seen  a  good  many  impcstors.  One  Uvea  in  London 
to  very  little  purpose  not  to  know  what  cheating  is  ;  we  see  it  at  every 
comer  of  every  s'reet.  But  if  ever  I  set  luy  eyes  upon  such  a  set  of 
jolly,  red-faced,  broad-backed  sufferers,  all  of  'em — as  they  shouted — 
destroyed  and  ruined,  with  not  an  inch  of  ground  to  rest  their  sole* 
upon  1  I  couldn't  have  thouKtit  it  postiible  that  mificry  could  be  ao  fat, 
an  1  ruin  so  plump  and  good-broking  ! 

To  be  sure^  the  Duke  op  Richmond  told  'era  to  take  heart,  and  they 
must  fill  their  pockets.  "  Parliament,"  eaid  the  Duke,  "  must  listen 
to  you,  if  jou  only  bellow  loud  enough.  My  advice  is,  don't  let 
Parliament  eat,  or  drink,  or  think  till  com  '■  at  50«.,  and  up  it  must  go 
again  I  In  the  meanwhdc,  you  will  make  a  row  like  peuceaole  persons^ 
and — whatever  you  may  threaten — threaten  and  swagger  like  men  who 
know  themselves.  If  we  are  robbed  of  every  farthing,  and  atript  of 
every  rag,  at  Insat," — said  the  dear  Duke — "  let  ua  remember  ouraalvn 
as  grntlemen,  and  behave  aa  snch." 

"Th*«r,"  said  one  Farmer,  "my  opinion  ia  that  land's  everything, 
and  everything  upon  it's  nothing.  Without  land,  you  can  have  co 
country  at  a'l.  Without  iantJ,  where  could  the  Queen  find  a  place  to 
set  her  throne  upon  I*  Kings  and  Qacene  ar'n't  like  skylarks ;  they 
can't  live  in  the  air.  It 's  the  land  as  grows  everything :  soldiers  and 
Bailors,  cotton-trees  and  cocoa-trees,  shopkeepers  and  spinners, — all  live 
upon  the  land  :  for  take  away  the  land,  and  where 's  the  sort  of  Noah's 
Ark  that  will  save  the  people  V*  At  which  evcrvbody  shouted,  and  the 
Duke  in  the  chair  nodded  his  bead,  and  moved  his  lips,  as  if  he  was, 
just  to  himself,  tasting  the  word?,  and  mightily  liking  them.  "  Hut  the 
nobit  St  thing  upon  the  land  is  the  fanner.  Other  folks  are  to  him, 
hfW(ver  fine  they  may  be,  no  more  than  the  poppies  among  the 
com;  I  ley 're  a  show  and  a  mischief,  and  not  a  crumb  of  wuole- 
some  bread  to  be  made  out  of  'em.  Talking  about  poppies."  said 
Mb.  MEaLYHOura,  "they  remind  me  of  soluiers;  and  tnat  reminds 
me  again,  if  we're  to  eontinue  to  have  glory,  we  must  be  protected 
in  it.  English  gunpowder  and  British  com  at  &0f.  are  own 
brothers.  With  com  down  and  free  trade  all  over  the  world,  the 
manly  British  bayonet  won't  be  worth  a  rusty  nail;  and  instead  of 
settling  any  Utile  dispute  after  the  good  old  manly  s'and-uo  fight — 
which  cods  in  a  few  ihouaands  being  knocked  down— there'll  ne  peace 
all  over  thn  world,  and  the  beautiful  cannon  guns  be  turned  into  bee- 
hives. We  have,"  said  Mr,  Mealimouth,  "what's  called  the 
AposUe  of  Ptace.  Very  n-ell,  then;  il  be  is  an  Apostle,  he's  the 
Apostle  JtTDAS  lacAiuoT.*'  "Whereupon,  everybody  shouted  and 
clapped  their  hands,  ami  all  as  pleased  as  if  they  'd  found  sixpence. 

And  neit,  a  Mil.  Gkowleh,  with  tears  as  big  as  ptAs  in  his  eyes, 
declared  that  ever;^  EnsrlisU  ploughman  was  wiruout  a  bit  in  his  bclty, 
or  a  thread  upon  bis  back.  As  for  Sir  Kobeht  Peel — bat  here  thero 
"as  such  a  snouting;  some  cried  out  for  TempU  Bar,  and  some  for 
Toner  Hill:  some  lor  hurdle,  and  some  for  quartering— the  Duke  all 
the  wbile  quite  mild  and  well-behaved,  and  uucunc^mtHl  at  anything,  as 
a  nobleman  should  be.  Wbereupon,  Mb.  Growler  took  heart,  and 
said,  as  the  labourers  were  naked  and  starving,  wlien  they'd  got  in  all 
the  cropn,  they  would  be  bound  together  like  so  many  sheaves.  And 
if  the  poor  fellows  broke  in'o  rebels,  was  it  to  be  expected  that  tbe 
farmers  would  try  to  hinder  *em  ?  By  no  means.  Pretty  liberty  there  *d 
be  for  the  suMect  if  men  mightn't  do  what  thev  pleased  s^amst  cheap 
oom  !  "Biit'* — aaid  Growler — "our  grand  hope  ia  in  the  dumb 
quadrupeds !  We  own  nme  out  of  len'of  ail  the  horses — to  say  nothing 
of  tliQ  other  animals.  Welt,  what  won't  horses  carry,  when  they're 
put  to  it  ?  And  when  tbe  Com  question  is  aquestion  not  only  of  wheat, 
but  of  barley  and  beans  and  oats,  what  won't  English  horses  do,  when 
mounted  by  English  farmers  and  labourers  P  As  for  Free  Trade,  it 
wou'd  be  put  down  like  beans.  And  thr  Queen,  the  Princp,  and  the 
children— whatever  was  the  rumpus  in  London  and  the  towns— would 
be  quito  sare  in  the  country.  Tbrre  were  fani -bouses  quit>^  as  com- 
fortable as  Windsor  Ciistle  or  Buckingham  FaUce."  And  then,  Ml 
Growler,  snappitig  his  fingers,  said  he  ihould  bke  to  see  what  tbe 
cab-horsts  of  London,  or  the  horses  of  the  Guards,  to  boot,  would  do 
agamst  Dobbin  ?  He  laid,  m  a  great  passion— and  ending  his  speech 
in  the  sweat  of  his  brow — be  said  he  should  like  to  see  it.  Ana  then 
everybody  shouted,  u  much  as  to  say,  and  so  should  we !  And  if  it 
wer'n't  a  thing  to  remember,  to  notice  bow  that  dear  DuKX  op 
lUcHidOND,  who  has  been  a  soldier  himself,  amil^  and  tookwl  aa 
pleasant,  as  though  to  talk  about  Englishmen  Dghting  with  Englishmen 
-waggon-horses  against  cabs — was  nothing !  But  then  the  Duka^ 
having  seen  a  good  deal  of  smoke  in  hu  lime,  know  perhaps  exactly 
wtiat  the  speech  was  made  of. 

Well,  there  were  "pood  many  other  talkers,  but  the  most  furious  of 
'em  all  was  one  Ms.  Wigodib.  I  've  heard  a  good  draJ  of  Red  iCeuublica 
— though,  whatever  oolours  may  have  to  do  with  ribunds,  what  they've 
to  do  witu  kingdoms,  I  can't  tell— and  Mb.  Wiogins  did,  certainly, 
though  he  was  a  fixmer.  look  to  mv  eye  as  red  us  Samtul  in  the 
A-q^icAM/j— that  Samuel^  that,  all  in  red  from  hat  to  boots,  goes  walking 


XVIII.— 1H50. 


V.^.^£S=L. 


192 


PUNCH,  OR   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARL 


about  ibe  fifrlds,  and  Jown  the  groTea,  buminK  the  grass  with  hia  foot- 
I'pi,  and  lingeii,?  t'lc  Icatm  iriih  hi»  ctoak— Mr.  Wiogius  bounced 
(( T  ivard,  Mid  Baia  tie  Imd  but  a  very  (cw  word*  lo  Ircat  *em  with  ;  and. 
15  L  thougfa*.  all  the  better ;  for  *hc  wordi  he  did  say.  every  one  of  *em 
drojpfd  from  lii«  mouth  like  a  red  hot  Cinnon-balh,  and— I  couldn't  help 
5*—!  sia-s' a'l  England  in  a  blaze,  and  London  taken  by  ihe  Cart-Horse 
7  Hgoons.  and  the  Rcaping-Hook  Ar'U'ery  and  the  Light  Fl»il 

■', — ana  me,  and  Mouses,  and  the  children  hidden  in  the 
wc.  (  ..viiAf  while  the  sack  went  or, — and  Mr.  OmnEM's  hf«d  off  on 
Tower  HiU,  and  Mr.  Bkigut — with  Mr.  Febwajjd  riding  ax  Shfrtff— 
on  his  way  to  Tjbiim.  All  tbm  I  aaw,  and  who  could  hrlp  v'f  for 
Wiooi.vs,  with  a  terrihle  look,  and  a  voice  like  a  clap  of  thunder,  called 
upon  Government:  and  he  !«aid  if  Government  didn  t  choose  to  answer 
(othe  wdl,  why,  tfien,  he  and  all  of  Ihem  were  rralv  for  a  soranihie. 
"  Up  with  wheat/*  cncd  Wiggins,  "or  we 'II  fight  for  the  rise!"  And, 
certftijily,  he  looked  as  if  he  mciiit  it ;  for  he  tlourished  his  amis  abcmt, 
aa  though  giving  (henieetirg  a  umpleof  his  muscles;  and  the  meeting 
— ev<'ry  man  in  it— jumped  up,  and  gave  such  a  stioiit — I'm  rure  thrre 
ira£n*t  a  quartern  loaf,  between  us  and  Ctiaring  Cioss,  that  didn't  leap 
•gain  upon  the  hater's  shelf,  at  the  very  aound. 

And  to  see  that  Duke  ov  IticnuoND,  and  to  fancy  him  with  his 
coronet— '*  with  his  pearls  upon  hia  brow,"  ai  the  song  Bay»— m  meek 
and  mild  in  hit  chair  aa  any  two-year  baby  with  sunred  bread-and- 
butter — to  BM  htm  with  not  a  pucker  in  his  face,  uatening  to  luch 
omnon-baUs  in  ayllabtei,  did,  I  must  lay  it,  cause  aatoniahment,  if  not 
admiration^  in  the  breast  of 

Yours  truly,  Mr.  Puneh, 

The  Hone^nickUi.  Ajielu  Mouses. 


HODbEHOLD  WORDS." 


Bother. — A  word  iu  great  use  when  a  stupid  visitor  has  called,  or  a 
dreii  has  not  ooujc  home,  or  the  hair  will  not  curl,  or  the  pen  will  not 
write,  or  the  shoe  will  not  come  on,  or  any  other  little  domcelic 
annoyance. 

Fiddlestick.- A  word  strongly  expressive  of  contempt.  It  cnisbta 
all  reply.  When  a  lady  once  saya  "Fiddleaiick,"  he  must  be  a  bold 
man  who  veniurci  to  say  anolhvT  word. 

FiDDii-PE-DEE— The  same  u  "  Fiddlestick,"  only  a  degree  n.ilder. 

DycKi.— A  term  of  endearment,  apphed  indiscriminately  when  a 
favour  is  to  be  askud. 

I.vDEKu!— An  tjaculatioD,  "strongly  recommended  for  family  use." 
It  implies  doubt,  a  contemptuous  denial,  a  gentle  r^fuwl,  and  saves  an 
luOnily  pf  useless  eiplanation.  Much  may  be  said  ivith  that  ^crd 
"  Indeed ! "    It  all  depends  upon  the  w  ay  in  which  it  is  pronourced. 

"IJlUT  li!"— Very  emphatic,  almost  amounliag  to  an  oath.  It 
should  be  used  vf  ry  aparingfv,  even  by  ladies. 

DeLiciODs.-A  word  thr,  coming  from  a  young  M)'»  lips,  conveya 
Ibc  higticB'  possible  amount  of  pr>.nc.  It  is  applied  equally  to  AUnio's 
Jtnging,  GtJ.vTta'a  ices.  Hocbig^nt's  gloves,  Fiunk  Stoke's  picture* 
rEHHABLs*  dancing,  and  means  perfection  in  each  mstanoe. 

Spooket.— A  young  man  who  cannot  dance  or  talk,  or  talks  no 
be'lcr  than  he  dances,  or  vice  versa.  A  young  man  who  wears  clogs 
and  mittens,  and  sings  sentimental  tongs  wi'h  a  lisp,  and  has  turned- 
down  collars,  and  a  miniature  which  he  always  carries  in  Lis  waisfcoit- 
pocke*.  on  the  side  Eearesl  his  heart,  would  take  rank  in  household 
esti.i.ation  as  a    spooney." 

DcMrr.— Unhappy,  n.iserable.  Anyone  who  has  a  ooid,  or  is  dis- 
agreeable, or  \\M  been  disappointed,  or  haa  received  bad  sews  or  an 
tlDpIcasant  truth,  is  said  to  look  "  Dumpy." 


I^aieneas    of  the  Season. 

We  saw  last  week,  iu  the  Pork,  a  pair  of  Ducks,  of  the  moat  Bpotlesa 
whjtr.  but  the  CO  d  was  so  intense  that  they  instantly  ran  in.  and  «e 
havo  not  seen  them  since.  The  London  Ducks— for  they  are  always 
observed  in  pwrs-are  an  extremely  chilly  bird.  The  Irast  drop  of 
water  semis  them  Hying,  and  they  do  not  stop  till  they  get  uiidcr 
•hclter.  This  is  most  extraordinary  in  this  bird,  for  it  is  well  known  to 
naturalists  that  the  Duck  is.  gmerally  speaking,  very  fond  of  tbo  rain, 
and  instead  of  ruon.Dg  away  from  water,  takes  it  as  naturally  es  a  (ee^ 
lotaJler.  I  he  I/indpn  Duckj.  which  are  the  surest  sims  of  an  earlr 
lomnicr,  tat  very  late  indeed  this  season.  ^ 

I   411   KOT  WHAT  I  SBUC* 

The  above  would  be  an  excellent  motto  for  some  trowstrs  reccnlly 
Bade  bjr  a  Manchester  operatire.  who  h«  just  turned  out  a  carnp?e'e 
girof  :  coutmuations"  without  a  single  seaoi.  Such  garmenU  Slnol 
be  conaidered  unseemly,  notwithstanding  the  pccuUarity  of  thciTeon 
struct^n;  but  it  maj  be  said  that,  if  hit  ?Ian  shou^Vgcue^^^^^^ 


THE   HOUSELESS  COMMONS. 

It  is  not  jenerallv  known  that  the  representatives  of  the  people  are 
I  only  in  lodgings  at  the  present  lia;C  ;  for  until  their  own  House  is  com- 
pleted, they  are  occupytrg  "genteel  apartments,"  the  rent  of  which  ii 
^  paid  from  the  puhlic  Treasury- 

I      We  are  therifore  interested  in  knowbg  how  the  building  for  their 

pcrnianent  occupation  is  going   on;    and  we  are  glad  to  bear  (bat, 

I     weather  permuting,"  the  Commons  are  to  go  in'o  their  new  House 

I  fonhwith;  but  rfthe  evenings  should  become  cold,  the  Commons  must 

j  keep  on  for  a  week  or  two  longer  in  their  present  lodgings.    We  cannot 

I  see  that  there  need  be  any   want   of  warmth,  for  there  are  always 

I  members  ready  to  make  the  House  almost  too  hot  to  hold  anything. 

I      Much  curiosity  ha*  be«n  excited  in  the  minds  of  sererii  M.P.'n^  by 

I  the  presenc;;  of   nine  enormous  boilers   which  are  standing  in   the 

qiiadrangi*',  tended  uses  of  which  boilers  are  ralher  dubious. 

There  is  s-j"  of  "  Bubble,  bubble,  Toil  an^J  trontle."  iu  the 

HouM  witi  Jnction  of  nine  tremend^u?  rch  it  is 

(•aid  by  som*'  '  d  -or  the  eiprejs  purpose  k'  those 

who  make  a  u.-,,.,.j  w.  ihrir  indignation  to  boil  over  wmi  i        I  n-.-  -Aj^pa 

of  the  lobby  were  the  other  night  verj- actii^r  on  the  ml  ji  r'  ..[  t.,.-.r 

vast  reservoirs  of  hot  Water;  and  u  rttrliainmtary  wit,  oll*  of   ^«  imsc 

jokes  was  once  permitted  to  epper.^  y  in  the  pages  of  J^uncM 

was  beard  to  remark,  that  the  nine  ^ed  aa  if  rhi?  ronmons 

intended    boiling   Ibemsclves  to  prtvc;.  .„ 

The  MP.  who  pfrpetra'ed  this  deserve.".  i 

roasting  but  a  basting  also,  for  his  atrocity. 


"jack  Cf   AIX  TlUDm,   AiiC  aiASISa  Of  M02iE. 


PAMTTiY  METAPHYSICS. 

Amoko  the  recent  literary  births,  we  observe  that  of  a  Magazine 
called  the  Bridsh  Coniroverswlut.  Onr  new-bom  contemporary  lias 
mooted  the  following  points  of  controvf  r^y : — 

Is  beauty  a  quality  inherent  in  objects  ? 

Is  an  hereditary  monarchv  prefer*ib'e  to  an  elective  one  ?  and.  Ought 
capita!  punishments  to  be  abolished  P 

It  has  been  determined  by  the  most  profound  female  pldlosophors — 
the  best  judges,  of  course,  m  all  questions  about  licauty— that  lo  far 
from  beauty  being  inherent  in  any  object,  the  very  nature  of  all  oloeote. 
nr  that  which  causes  an  object  to  be  an  object,  is  downright  ugUness. 
That  an  hereditary  monarchy  is  preferable,  is  clear  from  the  well-known 
orcurrisiance  that  an  eledive  sovereign  vet>- seldom  Buccceds.  As  to  the 
abolition  of  capital  puni5hment.%  we  reallv  must  say  that  we  wonder  at 
the  presumption  of  anybody  who  can  raise  aueh  a  question  after  it  has 

been  so  satisfactorily  dir*--"-'*  "*"  ^ — — -  • — * -*-*-■  '--*-' —  *- 

say  whom. 


lynouy  who  can  raise  aueh  a  question  after  it  has 
disposed  of  by— our  innate  modesty  forbids  us  to 


Civic  Znconaiat«nejr. 
The  MetropolitAn  Interments  Bill  is  complained  of  in  the  City  as 
pari  of  a  system  of  centralisation.    This  is  a  strange  objection  cominf 
from  those  who  may  be  truly  said  to  go  the  wholeliO|r  In  ocntialiaioc; 
by  keeping  ap  1  heir  Smithfield  in  the  middle  of  London. 


■I 


I 

I 

I 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


193 


PUNCH    AMONG    THE    PICTURES. 

FUOHT  THE  FIBST. 

ms  is  the  month  of  Ex- 
hibitions. The  flowers 
OOtnfl  out  and  the  Acv 
demy  BpmdB  its  tuhp- 
bed,  andthelltrle  Water 
Colour  parterres  blossom 
unobtruiirelj,  like  prim- 
rose patches  and  violet 
hanks,  into  freali  Coirs, 
and  ennsMoy  Bbkn£ts, 
and  fresh  gre«n  Da- 
visoKS,  and  uarmonious 
Copley  fiKLDrsGa.  So. 
in  this  merry  month  of 
May,  Mr.  Punch  puts  on 
bis  tpectftcles,  pajs  his 
shillings,  ana  may  be 
Been,  any  day  that  the 
suD  sLines,  between  ten 
and  two,  choosing  nn- 
fashionable  houn  (wbeo 
something  may  be  seen 
bcsid  s  pretty  faces  and 
tasteful  bonnets),  CaU- 
lofrue  in  baud,  slonW 
gazing  hill  way  through 
the  Kxhibitione.  Mr. 
Pimrh  loves  nictitres: 
firom  Us  box  in  bye-street«,  he  is  accustomed  to  look  down  on  so  many,  ana  to  note 
them  too.  at  a  time  that  the  audience  conceive  we  are  thinking  of  nothing  but 
bow  to  coaipasa  the  des'ruc'ion  of  the  doctor,  or  to  cheat  the  terrible  gentleman 
who  carrits  us  off  in  the  flft't  act. 

Ah!  pretty  housemaid  Mary,  who  lingered  with  the  beer,  yesterday  morning, 
with  that  neat  li'tle  hit  of  a  cap,  so  prettily  arranged  on  that  shining,  steeJc,  golden 
hair  of  thine,  the  checked  apron  thrown  artfuUv  over  ihe  foaming  pot,  and  thy  hlue 
•Tes  making  believe  to  laugh  at  me,  while  all  the  while  they  were  eager  to  cut 
themsehea  down  under  the  impas.oioDed  gaze  of  that  ^ardsman — little  did  you 
think,  Mary,  that  I,  Punrh,  was  sketching  the  group  in  my  mind's  eye— but  no 
iDA^ter  for  that,  except  in  so  f*r  as  it  connects  itself  with  this  article. 

There  is  one  tlung  Punch  wi»bca  to  lay,  first  of  all.  He  is  not  going  to  give  his 
««dcrs  &  running  commcn'arron  a  catalogue,  wilh  "Pishes/  "Pshaws."  notes  of 
admirmtion,  &c.  &c.  Ue  would  ratber  talk  with  the  artists  than  sit  in  judftment  on 
thrir  pictures— one  by  one— and  he  would  rather  utter  his  own  tlioughts  than  do 
either. 

1  hare  been  to  all  the  Eihihitiona  now  open,  and  from  all  of  them — except  the 
pair  of  WaTfr-colour*,  of  which  hereafter — I  nave  brought  away  one  strong  and 
painiul  impression — which  T  nmsl  get  off  my  mind. 
Ts  paint  tog  a  living  art  in  England  at  this  moment? 
Is  there  a  nineteenth  century? 

Arc  iliere  men  and  women  round  about  us,  doing,  acting,  sufTering? 
Is  iho  subject-matter  of  Art,  clothesF  or  is  it  men  and  women,  their  actions, 
passions,  and  sufTering^  P 

I  ask  these  questions  of  myself,  and  of  my  reader*— especial ly  the  artists  among 
tbem— because  I  am  driven  to  grievous  (toubt  about  them  when  1  look  rotmd  the 
vails  of  the  Picture  Exhibitions. 

]f  Art  is  vital,  should  x*  not  somehow  find  food  among  living  events,  interests, 
and  inciden^i  ?  Is  our  life,  at  this  da;,  so  unideal,  so  devoid  of  all  sensuous  ana 
outward  pictureM]uenes8  and  beauty,  that  for  subjects  to  paint  we  must  needs  go 
back  to  the  Guelphs  and  Ghihelikks,  or  to  Chakles  thk  Scconp,  or  Wuxum 
THE  ThikD]  or  George  the  Secowd? 

Because  it  jeems  m  if  the  paintf-n  found  i'  so.  I  see  no  homely  life  anywhere  in 
your  pic'  nres.  1  see  abundance  of  brU  a  hrac,  and  Mr.  Nathan.  Very  wonderful 
Telvet  dou-ilefs,  uodeniahl--  sUk  liose,  marvellimB  carved  furniture,  and  very  often  a 
prettj'  aei.  of  features  atop  of  the  veive*  doublets  and  silk  hose  aforesaid ;  but  human 
eno'ioB,  human  pa^»ion,  the  thing  that  iaerests  me  as  a  man,  I  nowhere  aee. 

How  is  this,  my  painters?  If  I  read  hooka,  it.  is  no-  for  ihe  beauty  of  the  type, 
or  the  suhile  devices  of  the  binding,  bnt  for  !he  meaning  I  get  out  of  the  words. 
If  I  see  a  stage  play  wi!h  pleasure,— wlu'cb  is  a  picture  in  action — it  lb  not  for  the 
glory  of  Mb.  Coopeb's  coat,  or  MADiifK  VEaxRis's  purple  velvet  polka,  bnt  for 
the  ntimOTir,  or  wit,  or  passion,  or  situation,  that  they  help  to  make  yisible,  aiid 
p':  i  jn. 

<mr  pichires  it  cannot  l)e  so. 
}iiv   v\*_:  I*  r'-galfd  hy  rheir  charm  of  colour,  often— dcligVed  by  fheir  harmony 
otlineftr^d  »kill  of  arrangcDirnt,  o'ten — attracted  by  the  prettiness  of  your  faces, 
often  and  of'en  ;  but  for  meaning— for  though'  shadowed  out  by  you  to  impress  me 
— for  deep  and  true  expression — where  are  they? 

Shall  I  trll  you  t  hr  sa !  iriil  h,  as  it  appe»rs  to  me,  of  nine-tenths  of  you.  and  not  Ihe  ^ 
leaat  aktiful  cither?     You  ftjijiear  to  me  like  perfrct  master*  of  an  a!p''abp4  writing 
n(kB%enM>  Ter«rs:  likecarpvin-r^,  nisstt-rs  oi  yuur  tool-,  construe  ing  clmirs  ths'  cou't 
be  Ml  upon,  tables  that  won't  stand,  and  beds  that  can't  be  taidin— in  short,  of  men 
;  a  work  whereof  the  main  aim,  scope,  and  purpose,  is  lost  sight  of  altogether.      I 


EXTRAORDINARY   DISPATCH. 

CoKsroEaABLB  sensation  was  created  on  the  Londoa 
Eicbange,  oned*y  Ust  week,  by thearrival, at  11  o'clock  r.«- 
ofa  gentlcDian  from  Hsmntersmith.  He  had  been  drpotea 
by  A  conVmpJAtrd  new  Omnibus  Company,  to  lest  the 
capabilities  of  the  route,  and  the  possibilitv  of  shortening 
the  time  now  occupied  in  the  journey.  The  usual  period 
varies  from  two  to  lour  hours  by  some  of  the  existing  eoa- 
veyances,  and  a  company  is  understood  to  be  intheooorM 
of  formation,  with  a  view  to  the  acceleration  of  the  transit, 
so  that  it  roav  he  performed  within  something  Ukd  an 
hour-juid-a-balf  on  an  average.  The  gentleman  left  the 
Broadway  at  9  a.  x.,  and  reaching  Kensington  at  haif-past, 
instead  of  waiting  the  customary  twenty  minutes,  pro- 
ceeded by  a  special  'ous  to  Sloane  Street,  wliere  a  pause 
of  a  QUaHer-of-an-hour  occurred  for  the  filling  of  the 
nose-bags,  and  other  minor  matters.  The  vehicle  then 
proceeded  at  accelerated  speed  as  far  as  the  Regent  Circus, 
ricc^tdilly,  nhich  was  gained  by  a  quarter -past  10  o'clock, 
and  having  next  made  for  Charing  Cross,  the  customary 
stoppage  for  conversation  occurred  at  the  corner  of  TraLilgac 
Square,  at  the  concliiiion  of  which  the  'bus  pushed  on  to 
its  destination.  The  gentleman  who  had  carried  oat  this 
novel  enterprise  was  received  »if h  loud  cheers,  when  it  wai 
known  he  had  crme  in  two  hours  from  Hammersmith. 


THK  CHARTER  OF  PROTECTION. 

The  "  demonstra'ions"  now  iroing  on  at  the  variooa 
taverns  throughout  Lhc  couniryand  uiThin  the  metropolis 
remind  us  of  the  days  of  Het50LDI51i  and  CumiDOir, 
wlien  Holywell  Street  puhlisherB  were  sending  to  Dows- 
ing S'reet  for  the  keys  of  office,  ami  a  dirty  little  half- 
caste  tailor  was  volunteering  to  lead  a  n>iliiouof  his  fellow 
men  to  death  or  victory  over  a  cf^r!  on  Keuniijg*on  Common. 
The  HowLEBs  and  the  Chovlers  are  in  a  rabid  state  on 
the  subject  of  Protection,  which  lh  y  are  detcrniincii  to 
galrambe,  even  though  they  throw  tne  cciuntry  in'o  coo* 
vulsions  by  their  shocks  and  experiments.  The  Hotlebs 
and  the  Chowx^rs  are  taking  the  same  line  as  the  Dt'rpET8| 
the  CiTFPETs.  ihe  Snuepets,  and  the  rest  of  the  agitatora 
of  Johu  Street,  Fitzruy  Square,  aa  far  as  language  is  con- 
cerned, though  they  have  not  yet  arrived  at  tne  only  prac- 
ticable result  of  the  Cunrr,  Dupext,  and  t>KU7VKr 
movement,  which  was  the  breaking  of  an  immense  quantity 
«f  glass  the  pitUging  of  a  few  shops,  and  the  eaiptying  of 
sunary  pockets. 

It  is  from  a  sort  of  Animals'  Friend  Society  feeling  that 
we  advise  these  Protectionis*.  howlers  of  sediiion  to  stop  in 
time,  lest  it  may  be  demanded  that  the  aame  justice  should 
be  meted  out  to  theu  as  was  done  upon  the  poor  ignorant 
crra'urea  whose  tone  it  seems  the  fashion  to  imitate. 
CuowLKR  boasted  that  he  snd  hii  party  had  with  them 
nine-tenths  of  the  horaea  of  the  country.  He  might  have 
claimed  the  whole  of  the  other  class  of  quadrupew  as  hia 
allies  without  the  slightest  fear  of  contradiction. 


Londoners  and   theU  Lunga. 

A  Select  Committee  of  the  House  of  Commons  is  en- 
gaged in  coDstdenng  the  question  a^  to  the  establishment 
of  a  grea^p  Central  (mb  Consumers*  Company.  The  Central 
Gai  Consumers  are  an  important  body,  as  they  comprise 
all  the  inhabi'ants  of  the  heart  of  the  Metropolis.  The 
quaniitv  of  gan  wiitch  ^hey  cousume  is  enonnous,  including^ 
not  only  >har-  which  they  bum,  ba^.  also  the  wDole  of  the 
gaseouB  matter  emanating  from  sewers,  cesspools,  and  dead 
bodies,  which  they  are  continually  breathing. 


Mr.  Bright  and   hia  MUl. 

With  a  very  *harp  twinge  of  mental  pain  we  observed 
that  Ma.  Bbigut,  the  o'her  evening,  opposed  Lou> 
RoBEBT  Guosvenor'b  motion  for  an  inquiry  relative  to 
the  sani'ary  condition  of  the  i<jumeymea  buers.  We 
have  a  great  resprct  for  Ma.  hjugrt,  and  fur  ihe  Mill 
which  he  represents  ;  but  wr  wish  he  would  be  content 
wi'h  rrpresen'iijg  tht  Cott<iD-Mill,  and  not  ounxitu'e  Lim- 
self  the  chainpion  of  that  Mill  by  me«ns  of  which  Capital 
grinds  Labour. 


THEREBY  HANGS  NO  TAIL. 

On  of  those  ingenious  mad  ever-watcbful  gentleiueD,  the  ulro- 
Bomers,  who  may  be  Urmed  the  police  of  the  skies,  and  are  ever  on  the 
look-out  for  BUBpJcious  chAr&otcrs  among  rhe  stars,  or  laniiaous  bodies 
lurtDg  no  visible  meaua  of  exiitenoe,  has  wnlten  to  the  Times. 
MiDOuooiDK  the  detection  of  a  new  comet.  It  ia  very  c'ear 
that  tliere  ii  no  escaping  the  vigilance  of  the  aslrornmical 
detective  force,  and  the  new  comet  that  has  just  be«n  observed 
nutea  his  appearance  under  circumstances  of  more  thsn  ordinary  in- 
tere»L  for  he  is  declared  to  be  "wilhout  a  tail,"— a  fact  which  seema 
to  mdioa'e  the  preaeuce  of  the  comet  in  some  meteorulogical  diaturb- 
»l»wa  of  B  vco'  violent  character.  As  there  is  &  good  deal  ol  difficulty 
U  finding  names  for  ail  llie  new  comets  that  are  continually  appearinK, 
we  beg  leave  to  propose  that  the  one  which  has  just  come  forth  without 
ft  tul,  ihould  go  by  the  title  of  the  Comet  Spescer. 


ftXGtrmi  moL. 


Thb  Cramcillob  or  the  KiCHEOimL  introdcocs  another  Stamp 
Bill,  m  which  are  incorporated,  he  tells  u»,  all  Ma.  Mulumo's  sug- 
geationa.  We  *hulfi  have  thought  there  had  been  quite  muUings 
ntougb  in  this  meaaore  already. 


i^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


197 


THE     PROSER. 

EBftAYS  AND  DISCOURfiEfi  BY   DB.  SOLOMON   PACIFICO 


■ 


» 


in.— ON  THE  BENEFITS  OP  BEING  A  FOOT. 

Is  posaesBion  of  the  fight  and  privilege  of  pirrulity  which  is  accorded 
to  old  ftfie.  1  cannot  &llow  that  a  single  aide  of  paper  should  contuin  all 
that  1  hare  to  wy  in  respect  to  the  manifold  adrantagea  of  being:  a 
Fogf.  I  am  a  Foiry,  and  bare  been  a  yonne  nian.  I  see  twenty  women 
in  the  world  constantly  to  whom  1  would  like  to  bare  giren  a  lock  of 
my  hair  in  days  when  my  pate  boasted  of  that  orsameat ;  for  whom  my 
heart  ftlt  tumultuous  eniolioni,  before  the  vtotonoas  and  beloved 
Mbs.  PAcmco  subjugated  it.  If  I  had  any  feelings  now,  Mrs.  P. 
woidd  order  them  and  me  to  be  quiet:  but  I  have  none;  I  am  trauqitil 
—yes,  really  tranquil  (though,  as  my  dear  Leonora  is  sitting  opposite 
to  Die  at  this  minute,  and  has  an  asJEance  gl&nce  from  ner  novel 
to  my  paper  as  I  write — even  if  I  were  Mi  tranquil,  I  should  say  that  I 
waft),  but  I  am  quiet :  I  have  passed  the  hot  stage :  and  I  do  not  know 
a  pleosanter  and  calmer  feeling  of  mind  than  that  of  a  respectable  penon 
oithe  middle  age,  who  can  still  be  hcartiljr  and  generousljr  fond  of  all 
the  women  about  whom  he  was  in  a  passion  and  a  fever  in  early  life. 
If  you  cease  liking  a  woman  when  you  cease  loring  her,  depend  on  it, 
that  one  of  jou  is  a  bad  one.  You  are  parted,  never  niind  wi'b  what 
pangs  on  cither  side,  or  by  what  circumstances  of  fate,  choice,  or  neces- 
sity,—you  have  no  money  or  tbe  has  too  much,  or  sue  likes  somebody 
cUfi  better,  and  so  forth ;  but  an  honest  Kogv  should  always,  unless 
reason  be  given  to  the  contrary,  think  well  of  the  woman  whom  he  has 
once  thought  well  of,  and  remember  her  with  kindnti&a  and  tenderness, 
as  a  man  remembers  a  place  where  he  has  twen  very  happy. 

A  proper  management  of  hia  recollections  thus  constitutes  a  very 
great  item  in  the  nappiness  of  a  Fogv.    I,  for  my  part,  would  rather 

•^member  — ,  and ,  and (I  uare  uot  mention  names,  for  isn't 

nyLBOKORA  pretending  to  read  "the  Initials,"  and  peeping  over  my 
boulder  F)  than  be  in  love  over  again.  It  iti  because  i  have  suffered 
"odigiously  from  That  passion  that  Tarn  interested  in  beholding  others 
Hdcrgoingthe  malady.  I  wa'ch  it  inhnll-rooma  (over  my  cards,  where 
knd  the  old  ones  fit),  and  dinner-parties.  Without  Eentimen^  there 
^d  bo  no  flavour  in  life  at  idl,  I  hlte  to  watch  young  folks  who  are 
tM  of  each  other,  be  it  the  housemaid  furtively  engaged  smiling  and 
P«iag  with  JuHN  through  the  area  railings;  be  it  Miss  and  the 
C*ain  whispering  in  the  embrasure  of  the  drawing-room  wiudow— 
■^^/  is  interesting  to  me,  because  of  amani—ot  course,  it  is 
MaPACiiTco  I  mean. 

AFogies  of  good  breeding  and  kind  condition  of  mind,  who  go  about 
iultworld  much,  should  remember  to  efface  themselves -if  I  ma^ 
iw*  French  phrase — they  should  not,  that  is  to  say,  thrust  in  their 
old  Dga  on  all  occasions.  When  the  people  are  marching  out,  to 
dinoe.for  instance,  and  the  Captain  ia  sidling  up  to  Mis*,  Fogy, 
becaukJiQ  jg  twenty  years  older  than  the  Captain,  should  not  push 
hiniselrjrward  to  arrest  that  young  fellow,  and  carry  off  the  dtsap- 
jKimteairl  on  hia  superannuated  rheumatic  old  elbow.  AVheu  there  is 
auy  thiiof  this  sort  going  on  (ana  a  roan  of  the  world  has  possea- 
aion  of  I  cur/d  (/«  pffM  with  ha'f  an  eye),  1  become  interested  in  a 
picture,  have  something  particular  to  say  to  pretty  Polly  the  parrot, 
or  to  littrfoMHT,  who  is  uot  coming  in  to  dinner,  and  while  I  am 
talking  t<j||t^  ^lisa  and  the  Captain  make  their  little  arrangement. 
In  this  wq  managed  only  last  week  to  let  young  Billikgton  and  the 
lovely  Bx^uE  Pouter  get  together :  and  walkra  down  stairs  with  my 
hat  for  IhAiy  partner  of  my  arm.  Auoostds  Topladt  now,  because 
he  was  a  GjJn  of  Dragoons  almost  before  Billiwgton  was  born, 
would  have,i,ted  upon  his  right  of  precedence  over  Bilungtow,  who 
only  got  hisjop  the  other  day. 

Precedenc  Fiddlestick  !  Men  squabble  about  precedence  because 
they  are  dou^l  about  their  condition,  as  Irishmen  will  insist  upon  it 
that  you  arA,termined  to  insult  and  trample  upon  their  beautiful 
country,  whet  y^m  are  thinking  about  it  or  no;  men  young  to  the 
world  nn  .trus^e  bearing  of  others  towards  them,  because  thev  mia- 
truBt  theuseU  i  (,5^^  ^een  many  sneaks  and  much  cringing  of 
course  in  the  w^ .  but  the  fault  of  gentlefolks  is  generally  tlie  con- 
trary— an  ab5UNQ„ht  of  the  intentions  of  others  towards  us,  and  a 
perpetual  awert  ^f  q^  twopenny  dignity,  which  nobody  is  thinking 
of  wounding. 

As  &  young  m  jf  the  Lord  I  knew  did  not  happen  to  notice  me. 
the  next  time  1  trijim^  j  ^sed  to  envelope  mjseU  la  ray  dignity,  and 
treat  his  Lordship^jj  gy^h  a  tremendous  hauievr  and  killing  coolness 
of  demeanonr,  thatu  ^njght  have  fancied  1  was  an  Karl  at  least,  and 
he  a  menial  upon  w.,  \  trampled.  Whereas  he  was  a  simple,  good- 
natured  creature,  w  imj  no  idea  of  insulting  or  slighting  me,  and, 
indeed,  scarcely  any  ^  about  any  subject  eicept  racing  andf  shooting' 
Young  men  have  thiL^^^iQets  in  society,  because  they  are  thitikiug 
about  themaelvcfl :  lea  are  happy  and  traufiuil  because  they  are 
taking  advantage  of,  a  eiuoyiDg,  without  suspicion,  the  good-nature 
ft&d  good  offioea  of  otlVeU-bred  people. 


Have  you  not  often  wished  for  yourself,  or  some  other  dear  friemL 
ten  thousand  a-yearf  It  is  natural  that  you  shonid  like  auohagood 
thing  as  ten  thousand  a-year;  and  all  the  pleasures  and  comforts  wkieh 
it  brings.  So  also  it  is  natural  that  a  man  should  like  the  aoeiety  of 
people  well-to-do  in  the  world  ;  who  make  their  houses  pleasant,  who 
gatlier  pleasant  persona  about  them,  who  have  floe  pictures  on  their 
walls,  pieaaant  books  in  their  libraries,  pleasant  parks  and  town  and 
country  houses,  good  cooks  and  good  celhra:  if  1  were  coming  to  dine 
wit  h  you.  I  would  rather  a  gooadinner  than  a  bad  one :  if  so-and-so  a 
as  good  as  you  and  possesses  these  things,  he.  in  so  far,  ia  better  than  yoo 
who  do  not  possess  them  :  therefore  I  had  rather  go  to  hia  house  in 
Belgravia  than  to  your  lodgings  in  Kentish  Town.  That  is  the  rationale 
of  living  in  good  company.  An  absurd,  conceited,  high  and -mighty 
I  young  man  hanga  back,  at  once  insolent  and  bashful :  an  honest,  simple^ 
'  quiet,  easy,  clear-sighted  Fogy  steps  in  and  takes  tne  goods  wliich  the 
I  gods  provide,  without  elation  aa  without  iquearoishneas. 
I  It  ia  only  a  few  men  who  attain  simplicity  in  early  life.  This  man 
has  his  conceited  srlf-importance  to  be  cured  of ;  that  has  his  conceited 
basbfuiness  to  bo  "  tsken  out  of  him,"  as  the  phrase  is.  You  have  a 
di.^quiet  which  you  try  to  bide^  and  you  put  on  a  haughty  guarded 
I  manner.  Yon  are  suspicioas  of  the  good-will  of  the  company  round 
I  about  yon,  or  of  the  estimation  in  which  they  hold  you.  You  sit  mum 
at  table.  It  is  not  your  place  to  "  put  yourself  forward."  You  are 
thinking  about  yourself,  that  is;  you  are  suspicious  about  that  personage 
and  everybody  else;  that  is,  you  are  not  rrank;  that  is,  you  are  not 
well-hred ;  that  is,  you  are  not  agreeable.  I  would  instance  my  young 
friend  MUMfOBD  aa  a  painful  example — one  of  the  wittiest,  cheeriest, 
cleverest,  and  most  honest  of  fellowB  in  his  own  circle ;  but  having  the 
honour  to  dine  the  other  day  at  Mr.  Hobanob's,  where  His  £x(»llenO]r 
the  Crimean  Minister  and  several  genilemenof  hononr  and  wit  were 
assembled,  Muhforo  did  uot  open  bis  mouth  once  for  the  purposes  of 
conversation,  but  sat  and  ate  nis  dinner  as  silently  as  a  brother  of 
La  lYappe. 

He  was  thinking  with  too  much  distrust  of  himself  (and  of  others  hf 
consequence)  as  Tofi.ady  was  thinking  of  himself  in  the  little  afiair  in 
Hyde  Park  to  wbicU  I  have  alluded  in  the  former  chap'er.  When 
MviTPORD  is  an  lionest  Fogy,  like  some  folks,  be  will  nei'tier  distrust 
his  host,  or  bis  company,  or  hiuiself ;  hn  will  make  the  best  of  the  hour 
and  the  p^'Ople  round  about  him^  be  will  scorn  tumbling  over  head-and- 
hetU  for  bis  dinner,  but  he  will  take  and  give  hia  part  of  the  good 
things,  jniu  in  the  talk  and  laugh  uoaffectodly,  nay,  actually  tumble 
over  bead-and-hcels,  perhaps,  if  he  has  a  talent  that  way ;  not  from  a 
wish  to  abow  off  his  powers,  but  from  a  sheer  good-humour  and  desiro 
I  to  oblige.  Whether  as  guest  or  as  entertainer,  your  part  and  business  in 
I  society  is  to  make  people  as  happy  and  as  easy  aa  you  can ;  the  master 

S'ves  you  lus  beat  wine  and  welcome— vou  give,  in  your  turn,  a  smilinr 
oe,  a  disposition  to  be  pleased  and  to  please :  and  my  good  young  friend 
who  read  this,  don't  doubt  about  yourself,  or  think  about  your  prccioaa 
person.  When  yon  have  got  on  your  best  coat  and  waiatcxwt,  and  have 
your  dandy  shirt  aud  tie  arranged — consider  these  as  so  many  settled 
things,  and  go  forward  and  through  your  business. 

That  is  why  people  in  what  is  called  the  great  world  are  commonly 
better  bred  than  persons  less  fortunate  in  their  condition :  not  that 
they  are  better  in  reality,  but  from  circumstanc-s  t  hey  are  never  uneasy 
about  their  position  in  the  world:  thercrorc  iluy  are  more  honest  and 
simple:  therefore,  they  are  better  bred  than  Gu-jwler.  who  scowls  at 
the  great  man  a  detiance  and  a  determination  that  he  wilt  110^  be 
trampled  upon:  or  poor  Fawner,  who  goes  quivering  down  on  Ms 
kners,  and  licks  my  llord'a  shoes.   But  I  think  in  our  world— at  least  in 

I  my  experience— there  are  even  more  Growlers  than  Favtvus. 

I  It  will  be  seen,  by  the  above  remarks,  that  a  desire  to  shine  or  to 
occupy  a  marked  place  in  society,  does  not  consti',ute  my  idea  of  hap- 

I  piiiess,  or  become  the  character  of  a  discreet  Fof^.  Time,  which  has 
dimmed  the  lustre  of  bis  waistcoats,  allayed  the  violence  of  his  feelinga, 
and  sobered  down  his  head  with  grey,  should  give  to  the  whole  of  his  Life 

,  a  quiet  neutral  tinge;  out  of  which  calm  and  reposeful  condition  an 
honest  old  Fogy  looks  on  the  world,  and  the  struggle  there  of  women 

!  and  ntCQ.    I  doubt  whether  this  is  not  better  than  struggling  yourself, 

( for  you  preserve  your  interest,  and  do  not  lose  your  temper.     Sucoced- 

I  ing  r  What  is  the  great  use  of  suoceeding  P  Failing  P  Where  ia  the 
great  harm  ?  It  seems  to  you  a  matter  of  vast  interest  at  one  time  of 
your  life  whether  you  shall  be  a  lieutenant  or  a  colonel — whether  you 
shall  or  shall  not  be  invited  to  the  Duchess's  party — whether  ^ou  stiail 

j  get  the  pUce  you  and  a  hundred  other  competitors  are  trring  for— • 

I  whether  flltss  will  have  vou  or  not :  what  the  deuoe  does  it  all  matter 
a  few  years  afterwards  r  Do  vou,  Jovis,  mean  to  intimate  a  desire 
that  History  should  occupy  herself  with  your  paltry  personalty  P 
The  Future  does  not  care  whnther  you  were  a  captain  or  a  privalQ 
soldier.  You  get  a  card  to  the  Duchess's  party ;  it  is  no  more  or  less 
than  a  ball  or  breakfast  like  other  balls  or  breakfasts.    You  are  half- 

;  distracted  because  Miss  won't  have  you  and  takes  the  other  fellow, 
or  you  get  her  (as  I  did  Mss.  Pacttico)  and  find  that  she  is  quite 

I  a  different  thing  from  what  you  expected.  Psha  1  These  thbn 
appear  as  naught — when  Time  passes — Time  the  consoler— Time  t£e 

I  anodyne— Time  the  grey  calm  satirist^  whose  sad  smile  smbqs  to  Mf 


19S 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Look,  0,  mw,  ftt  the  Twuty  of  the  object*  you  pursue.  Kid  of  your- 
telf  who  pursue  them ! 

But  on  tlie  one  hand,  if  there  U  an  alloy  la  all  succcst.  w  there  ttot 
a  tonielhini  wholesome  in  all  diaappoiafment?  To  endeavour  to  re- 
gard them  both  benevolently  is  (he  ta»lc  of  a  philosopher ;  and  he  who 
Ott&  do  so  is  a  rery  lucky  Fogy. 


FEAHKUL  FALL  AND  DKCLINE  OF  THE  LAW. 


r^ 


*<f 


our  letters  we  find 
that  the  Lawyers 
are  crying  out 
most  pit«ou8]y  a- 
f^LDst  the  reduc- 
tions that  are  made 
every  Session  in 
the  profits  of  the 
Law.  If  that  sya- 
trm  continu*",  Ibey 
declare  tlie  pro- 
fession will  be  n>n(le 
so  contcnipiiblr, 
that  110  fKenUeman 
will  tbiukof  lotlow- 
injf  !■ .  A  Chancery 
Suit  will  be  a  poor, 
inisentble  nifdir, 
that  will  bo  over 
in  a  couple  of 
veekm,  and  s  Bank- 
ruptcy Commission 
will  fccurccly  enable 
the  poor  practi- 
tioner to  keep  hit 
carriage.  Tbr«c 
will  bo  dreadful 
times  for  I  lie  I^nw- 
yera,  who  will  be 
conipelle.1,  fur  a 
Uveliliuud^  to  i*»siie 
writs  against  one  another.  The  Insolvents'  Court  will  be  Ulled  with 
most  heart-rending  oases  of  legal  desti  ulion,  and  Basingliall  S  reef  will 
be  occupied  from  aav  to  day  with  winding  up  the  accounts  of  Chanc'^rT 
Lane.  The  Inns  will  follow,  and  the  Law  will  become  such  a  PaiiaQ 
of  a  profession,  that  it  will  be  univer-ally  shunned,  excepting  by  ihe 
most  rfckless,  or  the  very  pcorest.  K-cruiriiig-parlirs  will  have  to 
beat  up  the  most  wretched  nelghbourtioodi,  in  the  hopes  oi*  Gliding 
loaie  torlorn  youth  whose  niiser;  inay  dtive  him,  an  a  lait  extremity, 
to  '* follow  the  L'-iW,"  and  disobedient  soni  and  unruly  sppreulices 
will  be  packed  oil  to  Lincoln's  inn,  as  ihey  lormerly  were  stnt  to 
lea,  lo  be  reclaimed  by  its  trials  and  hardships,  Who  knows  but  the 
£ar,  aUo,  may  be  reduced  to  a  stale  of  such  ahj-^ct  penury,  that 
we  may  see  a  Jobepu  Adt  sitting  on  the  woolsack,  sending  out 
letters  to  all  clienis.  lo  the  effect  that,  if  they  have  their  Ckusea 
tried  before  liim.  and  will  send  him  a  sorereigu,  they  may  probably 
"  hear  of  something  to  iheir  advantage." 

The  following  has  been  ronGdentialty  sent  to  us  by  one  of  the  most 
respectable  practitioners  in  Carey  Strret,  as  th?  copy  of  a  Bill  of  Costs, 
for  a  trifling  Wri^,  at  it  mii  be  in  1852  :— 

SMITH  V.  JONEa.  t.   <L 

Writing  LHt«r  for  pAfment  of  L>«b( C  6 

ItMUucUoiu  for  Writ 10 

Wrfl 0    It 

Copy  to  Sffrre  aod  Berries 0    9 

AffidftTit  of  S«rvlM 0    ») 

AttawUnff  \»  a«Mr,  uitl  p«Id  Svciirtog 1    U 

Be«ichJns  for  Appaaraticc ^    ^ 

IiHmioUon*  (i>r  DeolJiniUini >08 


PATHOLOGICAL   EXHIBITION  AT  THE  ROYAL 
ACADEMY. 

(XMfeM  ly  Mir  Strficat  AMmt,) 

Tdb  Painter  has  hitherto  done  little  for  Medicine  but  hold  ile  pro- 

fesiors  up  to  ridicule.    Tuis  year,  however,  our  science  has  rrcrived  A 

tribute  in  Ihe  picture  No.  518,  at  the  Hoyal  Academy's  Eihibition. 

The  interest  of  this  work  is  purely  pathological ;  the  figures  in  it  bpinjg 

simpl/  illustrations  of  the  scrofulous   or  strumous  diathesis.    Their 

I  eniMciatftd  bodies,  their  shrunken  legs,  and  tumid  ancle?,  are  the  well- 

I  known  characteristics  of  that  morbid  state  of  system.    Tlie  incipient 

\  redenia  of  the  lower  extremities  i%  fail  hfiiily  portrayed ;  tliough,  in  oon- 

inection  with  this  aymptoui,   wliich    indicates    far-gone    diiease,   the 

'  abdominal  tension  nnjtlit  have  been  more  strongly  marked.    The  boy, 

advancing  Willi  the  bowl  of  water,  exemplifies  a  snlendid  case  of  rhachitis, 

or  rickets;  and  the  osteologieal  distortions  of  iiis  frame  have  been  cor- 

1  rectly  copied  from  the  skeleton.     The  child  in  the  centre  i«  expressively 

■  reprrsenieil  wi'li  the  red  hair,  light  eyebrows,  and  motiled  compirxion, 

I  which  btftoken  the  extreme  of  itruma.     Tbe  female  figure  kiteing  it, 

apparently  its  mother,  is  endowed  by  tbe  artist  with  ihe  same  prcu- 

'  harilies,  in  accordance  witli  the  law  of  hereditary  transnii-sion.     Wi;U 

a  nice  discernment,  too,  the  sqiiahd  tilth  for  which  tbe  whole  ^np  is 

remark ftble,  is  RSROcia'ed  with  a  disorder  notoriously  conneoled  with  dlit, 

Tlie  drawing  of  Ihe  llgures  evinces  uiiuute  study  iu  the  demonstm'igu- 

room. 

To  render  the  iphennniena  of  morbid  analomy  is  clearly  the  speciality 
of  the  artist.     His  talent  for  exact  imiiation,  properly  applied,  might 
preserve  for  us  many  »pL-ciiuens  which  we  vainly  endeavour  to  kee^  in 
siiiri'B.    The  product iriTiA  of  his  pencil,  thus  directed,  would  eojpse 
everything  iu  BatLutiiK's  shop-window;  hut  he  should  limit  himself 
t<i  the  strictly  liunun  subject..     No.  513  haa  no  ti:le ;  but  anhjuinec' 
lo  it  Ihcre  is  a  text  suggcsiing  that  it  is  mean*,  for  the  Ilolv  Family 
Now  the  persoiB  depic  ed  m  it  Be«m  to  be  mere  partrnits,  tjiVen  froi 
life  at  the  Ortiiopceiic  lusiiiutian.    Though  i.iteresting  to  the  eye  i 
medicine,  lo  the  non-pro  esaional  beholder  they  are  unpleaisnt — not  » 
say,  revolting.     Tliey  appear  to  savour,  as  has  h  en  iirimated.  of  a 
unsoquaintaucii  with  soup  aud  water  much  a'  variance  with  the  ina:cn 
whicti  adjoins  cleanliness  to  aaDCtity.   Scrofula,  morrovcr,  is  a  Nortirn 
disease;  and  its  an tece dents,  besides  uas'iue.^s,  ate  irrejiiilaiilie  m 
living.    The  figures  in  question  are  so  lusiiv  examples  of  the  c*se- 
qiiences  of  transgressing  tbe  laws  of  health.     The  genius  requisition 
High  Art"  ehould  include  some  creative  power,  sense  of  beaul^^^d 
perception  of  couRruit-ies  and  iucongrui  Its.     It  will  ba  a  pity  ''this 
gentieman  does  not  turn  his  abiliues— which,  in  the  mechanic  ""^.^j 
are  great— to  the  illusi ration  of  Coorxa's  Surgiccd  Diclionart  wd 
leave  tbe  Testament  alone. 


Dnnirlnc  D*cUr«tioii,  U  (oUm  (at  |a.  par  foUo) 


The  Bill  is  much  longer,  but  we  have  Riven  sufhoinnt  to  prove  the 
citrema  lowness  of  the  charges.  Tbe  worst  to,  the  poor  Lawyers  receive 
no  pity.  Every  one  laughs  at  tbrm.  Their  mitery  seems  to  be  a  joke 
nniverftally  enjoyed.  Perhaps  the  retribution  is  but  just.  Those  who 
proverbiaJly  have  had  no  pity  for  others  in  distrcsL  are  properly  punished 
U  they  receive  none,  now  that  they  ore  diaireased  themaelvei. 


6    8 


B«inovalB  snd  Promotioiu. 

Thb  Central  Protection  Society:  to  the  Chartist  Hall,  St.  John's 

reet. 

To  Van  Diemen's  Land :  —  Cuowlbb,  Esq.,  via  CurriTi  pardoned. 


THE  ANTI-EDUCATION  LEAGUE  SUBSCRTPTjN. 

Ma.  Punch  prcsenfjt  his  comp'imentstoSia  Rowkkt  Hah  Ingus, 
and  begs  to  ask  wbelher  tbe  Honourable  Mvinbtrr  lor  Oxfur.i.Q'iKh^en- 
mtnt,  and  Toleration,  has  any  idea  of  the  number  of  the  persont, 
Cliurclunen  aud  Dissenters,  who  share  hi*  views  on  th^i*bject  or 
education  ?  Because,  in  the  first  plac*',  by  insisting  on  religw  ms'^ruc- 
tion  as  an  indispensable  accompaniment  to  secular  cdui^t^nj  whilst 
diffr;ring  among  inemaelvea  as  to  what  rehgicn  to  tench, ^y  ^<>nibine 
to  keep  some  eight  or  nine  millions  of  IIeh  MAJtsTV  "'bjftcts  in 
ignorance.  Secondly,  inasmuch  as  it  has  occurred  to  .^  ^*"'^*  that 
possibly  ihcy  might  he  numerous  enough  to  subscribe,  tweeu  ihem, 
the  trifling  sum  of  £2,000  a  day,  in  which  they  are  moralif  notlraallr, 
indebted  to  the  nation.  Precisely  this  amount,  accordi  to  the  Tim^, 
does  Government  spent  upon  the  "maintenance,  8upe^[^"<  *"'*  c  >r- 
rection"  cf  Cjnvicts,  or  for  "Piiaon  and  Convict  servi'-  Hereunto 
might  be  added  thu  further  expense  involved  in  tl-prosccutiou  of 
offenders:  however,  Mr.  PhhcA  does  not  wi^b  lo  b'W  hard  on  Slit 
UoBBRT  llAJinY  Ingus  and  bis  confcderfttes.  ^a*  urnled  in  for  j 
eoHAciiHtiie  by  Mr.  Jtuiice  Punchy  tliat  ihey  whose /"tical  polemics 
prevent  the  multitude  from  being  taught  plain  m''*  *'■"  bouttd  to 
defray  some  part  tl  the  dam^e  accruing  from  the&bstinfcle  bigotry. 
Mr.  I'wurA,  thcrerorc,  proposes  to  trouble  the  hon<ftbIe  Baronet,  and 
all  who  side  with  bim  on  tbe  Education  Question,  ^*t  same  £S,000 

Cdiem,  in  order  to  pay  for  the  Priaou  and  Convictrnc**  neceasitated 
the  want  of  schooling. 


POUTICai.  BTTMOUIS. 

Mb.  DwKAiu  passed  Buckingham  Palace  y«i^.  »ad  {ooktd  up 
at  the  drawintr-roora-windowa  three  times.  ^  his  way  home,  he 
looked  in  at  Apeley  House,  for  the  street  doo«PP8"d  to  bo  open  at 
the  time  he  waa  pasaing.  The  miniaterial  p"  »•"  "">  mention  of 
these  facts. 


I 
I 

i 

.M 


PUNCn.   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


199 


PinrCffS  HAND-BOOK  TO  HER  MAJESTY'S  THEATRE 


The  O^ratic  dppftrtment  of  Iler 
Mkjesty'a  Tue&tro  we  Liave 
already  ducribfd  as  a  mo- 
narchy presided  over  by  a 
reigning  Quern  of  Sonir.  but 
■  he  flovereiKuty  of  tbe  Ballet 
is  uiu&Uy  disputed  by  two 
or  three  candidates.  These 
cuDtests  tnny,  in  some  degree, 
be  compared  to  the  Wan  of 
the  Roses,  for  the  amblema 
ol  victory  are  ficquently  floral 
and  consist  ol  bouuuets 
Ihrown  at  the  feet  cr  the 
conoueror.  Homafre  is  thus 
paid  where  it  is  due,  sines 
the  feet  are  the  arms  chiefly 
employed  in  the  f^rcat  strug- 
ele  for  ascendancy  in  the 
ballet 


•oenery,  with  its  canvas  bowers  of  profiled  blws,  its  woodwork  wood?. 
ita  grorea  to  which  the  paint  pots  of  art  have  awpphed  the  tcrdancy  of 
aature ;  those  who  hare  looked  on  t  hose  pictures  of  peace— forgetting  (or 
amomentthat  they  are  merelv  carpenter's  p\ece-work— would  little  sus- 
pect tbe  turbuWnt  feelings  that  agirate  the  groups  inhabHing  these  appa- 
rently  happy  valleys.  Secluded  from  the  world  by  an  impassable  barrier 
of  ever-buming  gas-lightf,  ryniphs  are  seen  sporlmg  round  foun'auia 
gushing  with  a  material  that  sparkles  but  never  splashes.  A  happy  oea- 
iintry  gambols  in  white  satin  slippers  ou  a  village  green,  from  which  no 
moiaturo  arisfs  to  damp  their  shots  or  their  spirits,  while,  sometimes, 
the  scenery  is  cclesHal,  and  goddesses  repose  on  clouds,  having  none  of 
the  unplcaaan'.  density  of  vapour,  but  being  substantial  enou«]i  to  sit 
upon.  Ijooking  on  such  scenes  as  these,  the  poet  niipht  fairly  hope  to  see 
nothing  but  tranquillity  in  the  bosoms  of  the  inhabitant?,  but  the 
philosopher,  rudely  knoclting  the  hat  over  the  poet's  ejes,  proceeds 
with  the  spectacles  of  fac*.  to  look  into  matters  on  his  own  account, 
asd  the  poet,  hailing  miagicalion's  cab,  starts  for  the  realms  of  fancy, 
which  are  always  to  be  found  within  a  very  short  fare  of  lad  and  sober 

Hud  in  hand  with  tbe  philosopher,  who,  with  the  TurkVhead  of 
materialisra,  is  for  ever  brushing  down  the  cobwebs  of  idealism  that 
overhang  tbe  roman'ic  passages  of  life,  wo  proceed  to  teat  tbe  bliis- 
fulness  of  the  ballet. 

The  difficulty  of  getting  two  suns  to  shine  in  (bo  same  hemisphere 
bas  been  suggesled  by  astronomers  ;  hut  the  excessive  trouble  of 
getting  two  or  more  stars  of  the  ballet  to  exhibit  their  brilliance  in  the 
aamo  pa$  has  never  been  thought  of  by  the  samns,  whose  subjects  of 
contemplation  are  at  all  events  guided  by  fixed  laws,  while  the  dazzling 
bodies  th»t  float  before  the  erea  of  him  who  would  read  the  stars  of 
Her  Mcjenty'a  Theatre  are  with  difficulty  subjected  to  any  rule  what- 
ever. Nevertheless,  I  he  apparently  impossible  result  has  occasionally 
been  accomplished,  Ihough  we  might  almost  as  soon  expect  to  see 
Sagittarius  nand  in  hand  with  Virgo,  eiecuting  a  pos  to  the  band 
of  Orion,  as  hope  to  witness  tbe  conjunction  of  three  stars  of  ihe 
ballet  without  a  convulsion  of  the  most  serious  character.  We  do  not 
wonder  that  Her  Majesty's  Theatre  requires  the  constant  services  of 
an  Aquarius,  who,  with  watering-pot  in  hand,  is  perpetually  cooling 
the  ground  that  must  be  impregnated  with  all  the  materials  for  a  vol- 
DUO,  by  the  heat  of  so  many  contests. 

The  astronomer  may  well  turn  away  baflled  from  the  stars  of  the 
oallct,  for  the  diplomatiat  is  the  only  magician  who  can  read  or  regulate 
their  occaeiooallf  combined  movements.  Men  practised  in  the  most 
sabtle  regulations  of  Court  eriquette,  and  skilled  in  deciding  points  of 
prec^ence  as  fine  as  the  point  of  a  needle — men  who  could  bundle  up 
together  gold,  silver,  and  half-a-dozfn  other  sticks  without  giving 
o^nce  to  either — men  who  could  sa'isfy  ihe  cUims  of  every  degree  of 
knighthood,  take  the  relaMve  measures  of  any  pair  of  garters,  and  deal 
wiih  a  orjuple  of  Hatha  without  getting  into  hot  water;  even  such  men 
ai  these  would  find  the  points  of  precedence  in  a  pas  de  d^ux,  irois,  or 
qmatr*.  far  more  difficult  of  adjustment  tiian  the  matters  above  alluded 
to.  The  achievement  of  ihe  produc'ion  of  Jje$  Oracts,  presenting 
together  Cablotta  Grisi.  Marie  Taolioni,  and  Amaua  Ferraris, 
Terpsichore's  tliree  ffcvourite  daughier*.  and  their  pas  or  grand  pa,  has 
indeed  callrd  forth  the  cunningest  diplomacy  of  all  concerned  in  a  com- 
bina'ion  which  seemed  too  good  to  oe  true,  and  which  at  one  time 
would  have  been  pronounced  impossible. 

We  can  imagins  the  numerous  consultations  that  must  have  been 
held  by  the  Cabinet  of  Iler  Mxjestv's  Theatre  on  this  momentous 
qoeatioo.  Which  of  tbe  fair  trio  should  oommence  was.  no  doubt,  the 
nhfllMt  of  anxioQs  deliberation,  which  was  at  Ust  put  an  end  to  by  the 


bright  idea  of  their  all  appearing  at  once  in  a  group,  and  descending 
together  from  the  same  jKsdestal.  The  difficulty  of  the  premier  pa*  was 
thus  got  over,  but  this  is  not  the  only  pa»  qui  coute  in  such  a  very 
momentous  affair  as  kpat  d«  trois,  where  not  a  step  must  be  taken  that 
is  not  properly  weighed,  and  its  exact  weight  distributed  in  exaotiy 
equal  proportions  among  tbe  Three  Graces.  If  Eupbrostrb  has  a 
movement  of  the  music  to  herself,  consisting  of  so  many  bars,  Thalia 
and  Egib  must  be  allowed  to  have  their  fret  on  the  bars  separately  for 
the  same  period.  U  Euphrostke  occupies  for  a  moment  the  o*-ntre 
place  between  her  sUter  Graces,  Thalia  and  EoiE  feel  it  to  be  the 
centre  of  attraction,  and  would  murmur  on  both  sides,  or  grumble  rigiit 
and  left,  if  th^  did  not  in  their  turn  take  the  coveted  position.  If 
Thalia  is  supported  for  an  instant  by  the  hand  of  Eufkrosynb  at  thn 
waist,  enabling  the  former  Grace  to  maintain  a  horizontal  line  betwe«.t 
the  tip  of  her  toe  and  the  tip  of  her  nose,  at  an  altitude  of  three  feet, 
Thaua  will  be  expected  to  serve  as  a  temporary  prop,  while 
KupuROSTNE  forms  herself  into  an  arch,  of  which  tier  head,  htui  hack- 
wards  to  the  utmost  possible  extent,  seems  to  be  nearly  forif-ing  one  of 
the  t}uttres8es,  If  £oib  has  been  standing  neglected  duiing  these 
ingenious  feats  of  what  may  be  termed  the  civil  engineering  of  (he 
j  human  frame,  she  will  expect  in  her  turn  to  have  the  asi^is'ance  of  one 
'  of  her  sister  Graces  as  a  fulcrum  or  lever,  while  she  arr^ngrs  h<;rtrlf 
i  into  some  niatbemaiical  figure  that  would  astonish  a  senior  wmugler  liy 
Th„o«  -I  «  n»»f...ir,i.»<k4i..  ,  t^s  application  of  the  best  rules  of  art  to  the  attractions  of  nature,     it 

delb!fs    s^f  new    ^i*        e  »P«k?  I'^Byy  ^^  the  equanimity  of  the  Queens  of  the  Ballet  that,  wiUi 
aelicious    soi.nesa     oi    trie  ^  ^^^^  -^  ^^^-^  ^^^^^^  ^^^^^  j^^^^  ^^^^^  ^^^^  ^^^^^  ^  j^^  ^^^^  ^^^^  ^^^ 

at  a  moment  when  the  victim,  if  left  to  herself,  would  icarcely  have  had 
a  leg  to  stand  upon. 

The  agony  of  upholding  a  competitor  for  public  apnlause  can  only  be 
undrrstood  l)y  one  who,  with  jealousy  raised  lo  its  tiigheat  pitch  by  a 
whirlwind  of  delight  and  a  hurricane  of  bravas  a^  the  achievements  of  a 
rival,  and  with  muscular  strength  taxed  to  its  utmos*  pitch  by  that 
rival  s  weight,  can  still  sustain  that  rival  in  her  enviable  position,  and 
look  down  upon  her  with  a  smite  of  benignity,  unruffled  by  the  panels  of 
jealousy,  or  the  liard  work  of  bearings  load  under  which  a  porter  might 
wince,  without  much  imputation  on  his  porterhood. 


THE  SANITAUY  REFORMER  TO  HIS  EXECUTOR. 

When  in  earlh  T  aliall  calm  recline, 

Let  no  dwellings  my  couch  l}e  near; 
Let  not  on  atom  that  once  was  mine 

Con'ribute  to  poison  the  a!nio!>phere. 
Bid  Ihein  not  lay  me  where  cburchyard  rai'ing 

Encloses  a  narrow  and  crowdrd  &ile. 
Against  my  will  and  desire  exhaling 

Pestiferous  vapours  from  mom  tUt  night. 

Far  from  living  men's  habitations 

Xjet  me  harmlessly  decompose ; 
None  of  my  chemical  emanations 

Shall  injure  a  tout,  or  offend  a  nose ; 
Free-blowing  brerzeSf  bad  gas  dispelling, 

Shall  Irngrance  derive  from  the  various  bloom 
or  the  shrubs  and  the  fiowers.  so  freshly  smelling. 

Adorning  my  ext  ra-muTal  tomb. 


EXPENSIVE  PROSELYTISM. 

At  the  late  annual  meeting  of  the  British  Society  for  Promoting 
Christianity  among  the  Jews,  it  was  stated  that — 

"  During  tb«  put  jrrar  lix  [n<]ivlduAlH,  who  lud  been  under  instrucUou  by  tlM  MU- 
eloDUiM  of  Uw  Society,  bul  boen  lMptl»»d." 

If  Ibis  well-meaning  Society  made  no  more  than  half*a-doEen  converts 
among  tbe  Israelites  in  one  year,  it  certainly  takes  a  great  deal  lo  con- 
vert a  Jew.    For,  according  lo  the  Secretary's  report, — 

*' Tb«  t»laiw«-«hMt  ■hnvf-d  tha  totfti  rmelpu  i^lnclniDrtR  »  tialasee  froni  tlw  laaC 
report)  to  be  SAO&i  Uj.  bd^  and  the  expeoditutiA,  £3G87  \1«.  tid.' 

The  conversion  of  these  Hebrews,  then,  cost  upwards  of  £600  a  head  s 
money  well  laid  out,  truly,  but,  considering  the  educaMonal  ando'her  dea* 
tittttion  existing  around  us,  we  think  it  migbt  bkve  been  laid  on'  a  litUe 
better.  Besides,  there  is  a  mode  of  Christianising  the  Children  of 
Israel,  at  very  small  expense.  The  leut  costly  and  most  effeclual  way 
of  promoting  Christianity  among  the  Jews  would  be  that  of  getting  it 
practised  among  Christians. 


a.  DITKB  OITT  Of  FLACI. 

Thx  exclamation  of  all  on  hearing  that  the  Ddki  or  RiCHUoirD 
took  the  chair  at  the  disaffected  fanners'  meeting  in  a  place  of  such 
radical  celebrity  ai  the  Crown  and  Anchor,  is  "  My  SUrs  and  Gaitera  1" 


HR.  BRI009  HAS  QON£  TO  THE  EXHIBITION.-A  B07  HOLDS  HIS  HORSE  UH  THE  MEANTIHE. 


THE  BRITISH  LION  AN  ULTRA  CHARTIST! 

A  osiTEaiL  mMtinn;  of  tlikt  peculiar  clua  of  politioiiuai  intprest«d  in 
tha  notoriouR  Land  Scheme  took  placo  on  TuesdAy  l&st  wrek  ht  tbe 
Crown  and  Anchor.  The  chair  was  occupied  by  FE^BOua  0'  IticnMOND, 
who  delivered  a  very  inflammatory  Bpeech,  qualided  by  a  judicioua  tft- 
coitiDieudation  to  his  followers  to  abstain  from  "  physical  force." 
Mr,  Khnrst  Booker  indulfired  in  a  furious  denuncintion  of  Free 
Trade,  and  after  asaertixiK  that  the  ajEricnlturnl  interest  was  in  a  state 
of  sad  depresdion,  offered  to  subscribe  £1000  for  eleotioneeriuK  pur- 
poses. Me,  LooNET  Chovlkh  hinted,  in  no  measured  language,  at 
the  probability  of  a  speedy  insurrection  among  the  peasanlrv,  Rud  at 
the  policy,  on  the  part  of  the  farmery  of  driving  them  to  rebellion  by 
•ending  tnem  to  the  workhouse,  Tbe  notorious  RurfUY  Stanhope 
sUpped  the  orator  on  the  back  in  approbation  of  his  spirited  views  and 
suggesiionB.  Mb.  C0twt  Hiooiks.  of  Hereford,  in  a  short  but  violent 
harangue,  declared  plftiuiy  that  if  the  Government  would  no'  filter  their 
ayatem  by  moral  forc<»,  They  (the  Land  Scheiner-t)  wuuld  fight  for  it. 
The  deafening  app'ause  thai  followed  this  declaration,  we  si'ppo^p,  pre- 
fented  the  Chairman  from  calling  the  Sp»*aker  to  order.  Manners,  of 
Young  KugUnd  celrbrity,  and  Tocbkameiit  Eqliktodn,  also  addressed 
the  meeting,  in  milder  terms,  certainly,  than  Loonet  ami  CtPfEY,  yet 
vithuut  uukking  anv  protest  against  the  sentinienls  and  language  of 
those  gen  leiuen,  which,  ihereforc,  it  is  to  be  presumed,  they  adopt. 
We  Iruat  the  Government  will  not  be  ill-adTised  enough  to  put  the 
Felonious  Speeches  Act  in  force  airuinst  these  eitrarairant,  but,  no  doubt, 
barnUess  spouters.  Ministers  had  better  take  no  notJee  of  t.hpm,  wh«t- 
ew  they  may  say.  The  foUowers,  or  dunes,  of  FEAnora  O'Richmokd 
will  aeon,  pernaps,  be  talking  of  gunpowder  irnd  gu  grr-beer  bottles,  but 
it  will  bo  all  talk;  and  even  if  Ihcy  charge  their  bottles,  we  feel  sure 
that  they  will  never  be  eo  foolish  as  to  throw  any. 


TXB  ranCH  ADO  TREni  nUKCHlSB. 

Tbe  Suirrago-narrowing  Bill  will  pau,  'tis  plain, 
And  Libertr  is  doom'd  to  Sox  in  vam. 


SPARE.  OH  SPARE,  THAT  POLTCEMAN. 

The  axe  of  economy  baa  found  its  way  into  that  British  type  of  iht 
Australian  Bush,  the  Bay  of  Heme,  where  the  l*icr  Policenun  hai  b»«i 
cut  off— [in  his  prime) — and  th^  place  has  been  put  under  the  control  of 
thai  solitary  sample  of  the  civil  power,  the  town  constable.  This  indi- 
vidual, having  now  the  sole  responsibility  of  the  public  peace  on  hit 
shouUlers,  has  taken  to  wearing  oilskin  epaulettes,  and  has  fcot  hinnself 
up  with  a  sort  of  military  air  that  has  a  powerful  impression  on  ths 
simple-minded  inhabitants.  In  order  to  represent  all  the  ranks  of  the 
force  in  hU  own  person,  be  wears  a  superintend  mt's  gloves,  an  in* 
spcctor's  coat,  a  sprjrant's  WAittc^iat,  and  a  common  constable  s  troW* 
aers.  He  has  Ivd  down  a  seritis  of  regulatiuns  for  his  own  guidane^ 
and  his  system  is  such  that  he  keeps  himself  constantly  au  fait  at  all 
thn  duties  of  all  tbe  ranks  in  thi  police  foroe.  He  is  hu  own  inspector, 
and  in  that  capacity  he  takes  orders  from  himsulf  as  superintendent, 
while  as  serjeant  he  reports  himself  as  private  to  himself  as  inspec'or; 
and  30  on,  until  be  brings  himself  round  once  more  to  the  point  ha 
started  from. 

It  is  undrrstood  that  be  promotes  himself  occasionally  for  good  con- 
duct, and  that  he  now  and  then  reduces  himself  to  tbe  ranks,  in  order 
that  he  may  learn  that  lesaon  of  humiliaMon  which  is  so  useful  to  man- 
kind in  general,  and  to  policemen  in  particular.  Having  no  night  duty; 
he  does  not  require  a  bull's-eye  by  way  of  Unthorn,  bat  he  aomotimei 
indulges  in  a  hap'orth  of  buUVeyes,  by  way  of  "keeping  up  the  atlD> 
gory     with  refereooe  to  this  portion  of  a  oonstftble's  accoutre menti. 


Punch**  Kotei  and  Qaarlea. 


Koie.  Rer.  Gentlemen:  It  you  were  allowed  to  sell  the  iMiD 
railiiigs  which  surround  your  Cathedral,  and  convert  the  prooeeda  to 
your  own  use,  would  you  be  content  to  give  up  your  twopenooaf 
—Mr.  Ptmck. 

Oven.  How  much  would  the  iron  railingi  fetch  F^ZAnm  amd  CAt^ttt 
y  5f.  FauCi, 


PUNCH.  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


201 


A    BIT    OF    MY    MIND, 


E 


BIT  TUfi  f  iFTH. 

MBS.  SCODftBK'S  TIEWB  OK  tm  QOTAI.  OaRUTEHDIO.  kXTD  TBI 
LADBKATESBIP. 

Exbtjer-Hall  cornea  in  with  the  gooseberries.  There  is  nothinff  to 
me  to  beautiful  u  &  bird'i-e^c  look  up  the  Strand,  from  CbarinK  Cross 
to  Ten'ple  Bar,  at  the  very  time  the  lilacs  have  come  our,  and 
the  chesnuls  in  Bushy  Park — every  one  of  'em— are  like  Solomow  in 
hit  glory.  With  the  gooMberries 'specially,  aa  I  said  before,  Exeter 
Hall  *•  m  prime  lea^on-  And  beautiful  is  it  to  see  London — par- 
ticularly l  be  Strand — sprinklrd  ovi  r  with  folka,  the  pepper  and  rait 
of  ihe  world,  as  I  &ay  to  Mouseb.  though  he  won't  iiHten  to  mc— 
husbands  nelaoni  will,  and  thai  'b  why  women  should  never  marry,  if 
they  want  to  be  attended  lo — with  the  pepper  and  aalc  that  keep 
this  wicked  town  as  sweel  as  it  is.  which  isn't  saying  jouob,  1  'm  bound 
for  it. 

"If  there  isn't  anoMirr 'tato  blight  all  over  Ireland,"  said  ourmaid 
to  me  only  yesterday,  '*  ir.  won't  be  for  want  of  pervoking  it.     They  *re 

ing  to  call  tlt«  royal  baby  P&DfCK  Patrick,  tub  Fibst,  and  it  isn't 

;eljf  tba'.  the  'lators  will  ev^r  ^et  over  it." 

Now  our  maid's  great  uncle  is  the  Beadle  of  Exeter  Uall— I  give 
her,  what  she  asked,  a  pound  a  year  more  wages  for  the  connexion,  she 
•aid  ahe  always  had  it — and  it's  therefore  in  the  nature  of  the  girl — 
(it'll  tha^-  that  makea  her  such  a  tre&sare  to  me,  or  there 's  oiuch  she 
oaa't  do,  I  shouldn't  put  up  with — hut  then,  as  aunt  Peacock  used  to 
uy,  "  You  can't  have  a  Wonder  of  the  World  for  ten  pound  a  year,  not 
Ctonwiib  tea  and  su^ar  and  followers  allowed.") — it's  iherefon*.  as  J 
was  going  to  remark,  m  tho  blood  of  the  poor  thing  to  be  alive  all  over 
to  wEal,  aa  dear  M&  PU'UPTke  say*,  "  threatens  our  hearths  and  our 
homes,  our  pews  and  our  properties."  Wi'h  a  Prince  Patrick  boiiic- 
times  sitting  in  the  lap  of  our  gracious  Quken,  can  even  the  Buuor 
or  Ox.nntD.  in  his  eelekin  aproOi  lay  his  hand  upon  Ids  heart,  and  vay 
—the  Church  isn't  in  daufter  ? 

"Ma'ain,"  Mud  Su&ankau  to  me.  and  the  poor  thing  was  in  a  real 
twitter — "AU'tm,  they  might  as  well  have  gone  and  cjklled  the  babby 
Dam  O'Comnell  at  once,  and  there  an  and  of  it.  But  L  've  no  doubt, 
Ma'am,  as  uncle  say^,  t  hat  t  lie  name  of  Patrick  Is  nothing  but  a  feeler. 
If  the  country  only  puts  up  with  that,  whv,  in  a  year  or  two.  Dak 
O'CoVKBLL  will  be  »ure  to  follow,  with  a  Pbimcb  Popb  Pios  to  end 
the  basLaeia.  Thi)i,  as  uncle  says,  is  the  opinion,  not  only  uf  Mr. 
PtVirPTBB  hissclf,  but  the  downright  belief  of  Ma.  Ds  Nbwgatb." 

"  I  tell  you  what  it  is,  Susakmah,"  says  1.  "  Tlii*  chri<i*uing  re- 
tnlves  itself  into  a  great  kitchen  queition.  To  call  a  Royal  haby 
Patrick  is  to  strike  a  blow  at  the  English  servant.  Su6A.kkaii  "  lavs 
I.  "  you  must  have  protection.  With  a  Prince  Patrick  at  tiomp  in 
toe  palace,  how  long  will  people  put  id  the  paters — j\^>  IruA  wvd  vp^i,^ 
It's  ■  question  that  begins  in  the  kitchen,  and,  as  I  now  ?ee  it,  du'sn't 
atav  there;  but  goes  into  all  parts  of  society.  More  than  that,  thr-re 
isn't  a  good,  wholesome  Enghsh  name  that,  won't  ferl  it,  lu  anollier 
year,  and  there'll  be  nothing  baptised  but  Patuicra  and  Phklims, 
fBBGUSES  and  O'Connohs.  Not  even  a  page  in  all  that  blessed 
Belgravia  that  won't  giveupJuui^s  and  Oscar,  and  take  at  once  to 
MiKB  and  Tedot." 

"  Uncle's  Tery  words  to  a  T,"  said  SnsAjniAH  j  which  brought  into 
my  thoughts  Exeter  Hall  Along  with  the  gooseberries,  having  our  lirst 
pudding  (hat  day,  which  Mouskr  laughed  at  as  wtiat  he  called  the 
aaaociation  of  ideas,  being,  an  he  further  saiii,  green  altogether,  which 
I  took  no  notice  of,  recoUeoting  the  advice  of  dear  aunt  Peacock,  who 
always  said,  "  When  you  can't  answer  your  husband,  Amelia;  whrn 
you  dou't  know  what  to  say,  throw  yourself  upon  compassion.  Don't 
•peak :  but  look  at  him,  aa  if  you  pitied  him."  It  '•  a  golden  rule ; 
and  I  advise  it  'o  ernrypoor  woman  who's  put  upon;  and,  for  the 
matter  of  tha*,  I  should  only  like  to  see  i  he  one  who  itn't. 

"So  as  it's  short,"  said  MousaB,  "what  matters  what  a  child's 
flailed  P" 

"SoBAKMAH,"  aaid  t,  "you  may  take  yoor  day  out ;  and  go  and  get 
ap  a  mcetimr-  If  Exeter  Hall— as  your  uncle  knows — puts  up  quietly 
witji  Patrick,  tbcro's  no  questioning  it,  iu  less  than  another  year, 
Fbincb  Pius  is  sure  to  follow.  You  may  go,  Susakba-H;  and  I've  no 
doubt  Mr.  Huou  M'Nbilb  will  take  the  ohair,  as  this  being  May,  he 
wuut  be  in  IjOtidon." 

•'  I  'm  obleeged  to  yon.  Ma'am,"  said  the  girl.  "  Uncle  said  all  along 
there  ought  to  be  a  meeting;  if  the  Dane  of  Pa.t&ick  isn't  stopped,  in 
a  couple  of  months,  'tatoes  is  nowhere.  If  we're  to  have  Prince 
Patrick  foroed  upon  us,  it  '■  as  dear  as  twopence,  there 's  an  end  of 
thekidnies!" 

"I  thinir,  Mb.  Mouseb,"  said  I^  turning  to  him  when  SusAXNAHhad 
W»,  "  I  Itiiak  you  might  leare  me  my  own  housemaid  to  myself.  It '» 
ftrv  little  I  have  in  this  house,  but  I  think  my  own  maid  is  my  per- 
qm-i'e.  I  think,  too,  if  children's  namrs— whether  Pnncrs  or  common 
babies— «ra  \  tho  rightful  property  of  women,  il  's  a  pity  they  should 


ever  be  called  upon  to  have  anything  to  do  wiih  babies.    To  call  a 
royal  child  after  a  Popish  saint—  " 

"  Fiddlestick."  oriwl  Moubeb  •  "  we're  all  of  us,  more  or  less,  called 
after  saiiit\  iul':  we  f  Not  to  be  butb,"  said  he,  with  a  sneer  at  my 
own  godmother,   '  not  that  I  ever  heard  of  ■  SsIrt  Ameua." 

**But  an  Irish  Saint,  Mb.  MouaEB;  and  so  soon  after  the  potato 
blight  is,  I  Ihink,  rather  flying  in  the  face  of  Exeter  Hall  i  but.  to  be 
sure,  as  Mr  De  Newgate  beautifully  y^ii  i(,  when  a  h.aiben  cabinet 
tampers  with  the  coin  of  the  realm,  principles  are  sure  to  follow.  I 
could  have  borne— and  so  could  the  Hall— that  is  the  oountry— any 
Saint  but  a  Saint  from  Ireland.  Well,  if  I  'd  been  a  certain  majesty, 
however  I  might  have  been  put  to  it  for  a  name,  I  should  certainly  have 
eaid  to  myselt, '  No  Irish  need  apply.'  But  the  palace  gates  once  open 
— who 'a  to  lock  ihe  area  gate  and  the  door  of  Ihe  kitchen?  Aud  the 
Privv  Council,  as  they  call  themselves— if  I  was  only  in  Parliamen% 
wouldn't  I  make  a  motion  about  a  few  blocks  and  heads f— with  tbnr 
liands  in  their  pockets,  hav  Vt  a  word  to  say!  Now  mark  me,  Mr. 
MousER,  not  that  either  of  us  will  be  alive  at  the  time ;  but  only  n  aik 
my  words,  then  ace  if  ihey  don  'I  come  true.  Prijjck  rATRiCK  will  be 
King  Patrick  the  First  of  all  Ireland  1  That  dfar  Irtle  bhby. 
whother  he  will  or  no.  will  be  inveigled  some  day  lo  Dublin,  crowned 
against  bis  will,  and  so  repeal  llie  Ubion.  He'll  bn  oflered  an 
emerald  crown  and — well,  all  I 'II  say  now  is  this;  I  only  hop.'.  Out 
of  love  and  duty  to  bis  beloved  mother,  bo  11  have  the  strength 
and  the  wudom  to  refuse  it.  But  when  Ibis  has  all  happened, 
won't  M&.  Macaulat— in  his  vol  SO— put  in  this  piophecy  of  mine; 
and  won't  it  for  ever  after  serve  as  a  moral  and  a  warning  to  all 
royal  ebristeniogs ?  Prihce  Patrick!  Why,  Mr.  Mouseb,  the 
thing's  as  ciear  as  the  moon  at  the  full.  AU  the  hungry  Irish  will 
come  about  the  name  like  flies  about  treacle.  I  wonder  what  Mr. 
O'Connei-l  would  have  given  (or  such  a  chance — why,  he  *d  have  given, 
%yt.  anybody's  money  for  it  Well,  all  1  say  jus:  now,  is  this— I  only 
wish  I  'd  been  bom  a  man." 

"I  only  wish  you  had,"  said  Mousbr;  and  though  I  knew  what  he 
meant,  I  wouldn't  be  aggravaled.  "It's  a  great  pity,  Amelia,"— he 
went  ou — "With  your  abilities,  jour  power  of  pronb'-fljiug,  if  you 
could  only  have  done  it  in  verse,  you  might,  ui.h  mck  and  tricnds, 
have  been  Poet  Laureate  ;  for  Die  place  is  enipty.  As  it  is,  don't  you 
think  you  could  send  in  a  eamplo  ?   ' 

"And  »hy  coti"'  said  i.  "  Uoiu't  somebody  said  a  wo-nan  ought 
to  have  Ihe  place,  specially  aa  a  woman  wears  the  crown?  When  I 
was  at  school,  1  rrmember  they  used  to  say  all  the  Muses  were 
women.  Well,  if  it's  so  still,  why  shouldn't  there  be  a  Poetess 
Laurea'c?  But  there's  the  old  hypocrisy  that  I  spoke  of  before. 
You  can  paint.and  chisel,  and  print  women  as  the  goddesBesof  ereryibing 
— but  to  real  women  then  selves,  however  you  praise  their  stiadows, 
you  won't  give  even  a  mimb  of  solid  pudding.  I  've  beard  it  said  Miey 
used  to  give  the  Crown  Poet  a  butt  cf  wine^  why  not  make  a  woman 
the  p  et,  and,  instead  of  wine,  give  her  a  ches^  or  iwo  of  tea':' " 

"Besidra,"  said  Mousbr,  aggravating,  "there  is  no  doubt  that  a 
female  would  do  the  tbmg  cheaper.  I  tbiuk  the  post's  1:^00  a  year. 
Now  what  would  )ou  do  ihe  work  for — lea  and  sugar  includtdf 
We  've  given  up  Birth  Day  Ode%  and  all  'bat ;  however,  we  ought  to 
have  something  tor  our  money.  Now,  wi  h  a  Poetess  Iiaurtate.  u 
you  call  her,  we  mi^ht  have  all  the  Drawing-Uooui  cereii'Onies  put  into 
poetry,  and  lier  Majesty's  drcas  in  particular  run  into  a  batlad/' 

"And  why  notl*"  sad  1.  "And.  as  before  there  were  only  Nine 
Mu(cs~it  'a  nine  Mocskb.  isn't  it  ? 

"Sarueas  skittles,"  bsid  he. 

"  1  he  Queen's  Poetess  L:iureatc  might  be  the  Tenth.    £h  F " 

"  \^  hy,"  saivl  Mouser,  and  1  could  see  he  was  going  to  s&y  anme- 
tbing.  "  in  the  matter  of  the  real  heroic  verse,  women  cau't  do  it." 

"  Can't  do  it,"  said  I,  "  aud  why  not  ?  Quite  as  well  as  men,  if  not 
better." 

"No,  my  dear,"  aaid  Mouses,  looking  malicious,  "no;  impossible. 
HcDsdon'i  sing." 

Mb.  MousBR  was  perfectly  right  to  jump  from  the  table,  take  his 
hat,  and  leave  the  house.  OLherwiso,  what  I  might  have  answered, 
nobody  knows,  not  even,  Mr.  Punch, 

Yours  always. 

The  HoHeynekles.  AjiBUA  Mot'scB. 


THINGS  THAT  WANT  PUTTING  DOWN. 

Bf  Sta  PBTSB  LktTViv,  or  anp  oAir  aUbrnled  PutUr  Domm 

Tub  Bailings  of  St.  Paul's  CathedraL 

A  jgrrat  many  more  thousand  pouuds  towards  tAe  alow  subscription 
for  the  Grand  Rihihition  of  Industry  for  1851. 

The  Abominable  Water  and  Gas  Monouiljes. 

The  I>e»d  Wall  in  front  of  the  British  Museum. 

The  Advertising  Carls;    Westminster  Bridge ;  the  Chrgp  Tailoring 
systrm;  and  the  ram  of  swindlers  who  live  upon"  Enorniou-SrtC'i'ic^* 
ami  "  Atarmine  Failures,"  and  grow  rich  upon  a  scries  of  "  Ex  ensive 
Bankruptcies. 


4 


Vou  XVIIL— IHr.o. 


No.  4tj:t. 


BT  ▲  OUZKTZ&SSTKI)   POET. 


LINES  ON  THE  ADDITION  TO  THB  ROYAL  FAinLY.       OUR  FOREIGN  POLICY  AND  FOREIGN  BLUSTER. 

AimucAN  Eaoli.  {meeting  British  Lion  )  Good  mornin  to  70U, 
old  feller.  You're  &  lookin  spry.  And  so  you  ort.  You  feel  proud  of 
vouiself,  don't  yonf  Oh!  in  course  you  du.  Tbe  thought  that  we've 
bin  a  beb&rin  brAve,  ud  noble,  and  ^nnenii,  u  a  pleu&at  one  to  chav 
upon,  ain't  it  ?  Oh  !  you  're  a  maK^naninius  beast,  you  are,  and  hare  just 
bin  ahowin  yourof If  auch^hat 's  a  fact.  There's  none  of  the  our  in 
yournatiir  i.t  there?  Oh,  no!  Not  the  lesst  mixlur  in  you  of  thtt 
coward  and  the  bull> 

British  Lion.  What  the  deuce  do  you  niran? 

AMiaiCAN  Eagle.  Ob,  you've  bin  actin  a  fine  part  toward  Greece, 
han't  you  ? — p)in  to  war  amost  with  1  hat  air  great  and  peowerful  nation, 
for  lit'Ip  more  but  to  recoTcr  a  debt  for  that  sorter  British  subject^ 
sorter  Por'uRucse,  kinder  Jew,  Don  PAcmco. 

Beitisu  Lion.  Come,  none  of  your  chaffing.  T)ie  honour  of  EcgUnd 
demands  that  the  smallest  wroof?.  ofTrred  by  whomaoever,  to  tba 
bumblnxt  of  HeRMajraiT's  auhjecfs,  shall  be  redressed. 

American  K&glz.  Now,  you  cautin,  bragfrin.  nntrulLful  old  loader, 
have  you  got  ibe  face  to  tell  me  tlmt  air?    When  I  know,  and  you 


I 


VOTiTKB  princely  flower  (ahpm! 
The  Poet  Laureat's  place, 
1  hear, 
la  good  three  hundred  pounds 
a  year)— 
Buds  forth  on  BnuuwicL's 
loyal  stem. 

Some,  aiming  at  the  courtly 
hays, — 
(A  very  comfortable  thing ; 
Would  that  my  pen  as  much 
could  bring!) — 
May  tune  their  narps  to  ful- 
some lays. 

From  mine  bo  adulation  far— 
CTis  for    the   certainty  I 

pan()— 
Men  do  not  play  the  syco* 
ph&nt 
*««      -^^^y  Unto  a  ncw-di> cover' d  star. 

And,  as  astronomer  might  sen, 

Another  planet  in  the  sky  ; 

(Snug  little  incomo  !) — so 

dol. 

Young  Amtfua  Patrick  Air 

BERT,  thee. 

I  'll  not  predio^  with  flattering  lips, 
The  glories  of  the  Tdble  Hound— 
(KiiDcy,  aiy  bucks,  three  hundred  pound  !) — 

That  thou  art  dealmed  to  eclipse. 

Thee,  youthful  Prince.  I  will  not  parn^ 
Winning  a  name  of  more  renown — 
(1  her  've  chawed  the  sack  for  stumpy  down) — 

Than  that  of  oldHibcmia's  Saint. 

But  Ibon  wilt  higher  fame  acquire, 

If  worlhv— (ah  I  the  berth,  I  fear, 

Will  go  Defore  ihrsc  lines  appear)— 
Of  thine  august  Majuia  and  biRS. 


§^^- 


« 


THE  WINDOW-TAX-THE  GREATEST  ABSORBENT 
OF  LIGHT. 

Since  Government  ia  so  particular  in  charging  for  light,  we  wonder 
it  baa  never  thought  of  puttiug  a  tax  upon  Kpectacirs,  eye-glaa^es,  and 
opera-glasses,  wluch  are  all  media  lor  conveying  light  to  the  eye,  just 
as  much  as  a  pane  of  glass.  The  same  with  the  windows  in  a  carriage, 
or  an  omnibuf,  or  a  bathing  machine.  (Vhy  should  thry  not  OAy  the 
wiudoW'tax  to  the  aame  monalrous  extent  as  the  windows  in  a  nouse  ? 
Tbcso  are  shameful  inequalities,  which  betrar  a  partiality  which  should 
exist  in  no  tax,  particularly  in  one  which  should  be  framed  with  the 
stncteat  eye  to  accuracy,  as  the  larger  the  frame,  the  larger  the  pay- 
ment for  it.  It  is  strange  Ihat  Government  should  institute  ilsetf  the 
Ureut  Purveyor  of  Light,  in  opposition  to  the  Sun;  with  this  difference, 
however,  tbar  Government  cuargrs  for  every  pane  of  light  it  lays  oa, 
and  ouls  it  off  pretty  quickly  if  it  is  not  paid  up  exactly  to  the  quarter, 
and  the  Sun  gives  its  light  for  nothing.  Of  all  monopolies,  tlie 
nionopoly  of  light  is  the  most  cruel,  and  is  a  measure  only  worthy  ot 
the  daik  ages.  To  carry  out  the  cruelty  consistently,  every  man  who 
haa  two  eyes  should  be  taxed  for  light  donbly,  men  with  only  one  eye 
should  be  let  off  with  one  payment,  and  none  should  be  exempt  from 
the  tax  but  blind  persona. 


FoUoa  the  Best  Policy. 

Tov  best  sugges'ion— bv  far— that  we  have  heard  for  the  settlement 
of  Ihe  Grrek  queatiou  ir,  thv  the  whole  affair  should  be  resolved  into 
a  mere  matter  of  poUcr,  and  1  hat  by  way  of  preventing  further  disputes, 
Eugland  should  be  bound  over  to  keep  tne  Pacifioo — which  wUi  be 
equivalent  to  keeping  the  peace. 


TBX  lUK  THAT  WOn't  MOVB  OV. 

The  Au«triatt  Government  has  offered  a  large  aum  of  money  for  a 
Pr-ze  Ivoeomo'ive.  If  it  bad  been  for  a  Prixe  Slowcoach,  Lo&u  Joiur 
Russell  would  have  stood  the  strooffest  chance  of  wizuun;  it. 


know,  and  know  that  1  know,  that  let  the  wors'  injuries  be  done  10  any 
on  'em,  bv  them  as  you  think  you  can't  afford  to  quarrel  wi'h,  and 
you'  11  nocKct  the  afl'ront  like  dollars,  and  eat  humble  pie  aa  fast  as 
unlfalo-homp. 

Bbitisu  Liok.  Yoa  are  speaking  in  joke,  of  coarse;  but  really  I 
caiinnt  allow  you  to  continue  to  use  this  fangua^.    It  won't  do. 

American  Eaqlk  I  in  juke  P  1  never  was  more  serious  at  a  eamp- 
mcein,  1  teil  you.  Yon  can't  allow  me  to  talk  so!  I  should  like  to 
know  how  you  are  to  hinder  me,  you  blusierin  old  quadruped.  Won't 
dof  It  will  do,  every  word  on  it,  and  I'll  prove  it,  and  make  50a 
swaller  it,  in  api'e  of  your  teeth,  as  easy  as  I'd  give  my  old  mare  % 
boss-ball. 

BaiTisn  Lton.  Well,  well— I  shan't  let  you  put  me  in  a  passion, 

American  Eagle.  No,  I  expect  you  won't;  or  if  vou  do,  you*U 
shut  up  yuur  feehns  in  )our  own  buzzum  tight.  You'll  tie  the  valve 
down,  you  will,  and  keep  your  steam  in^  and  I  hope  it  won't  bust  you. 
And  now,  as  all  your  Qiteen's  subjects  is  to  have  their  part  took  agin 
the  world,  how  abo\it  that  air  nigger  of  youm,  as  was  hauled  out  of  one 
of  your  nierchnnf.  ahipp,  only  because  he  was  a  nigger,  and  for  no  other 
rraion  on  airih,  by  niir  free  and  indeprndenr  citixii-ns,  and  locked  up  in 
the  common  gaol  whits',  the  vrssrl  atoppcd  in  port,  accordin  to  taw  in 
such  CJt*e  made  and  provided,  at  Charles'^on,  South  Caiolina,  U.  S.  ? 

BaiTisu  Lion.  Diplouiatic  ncgotia'ions  are  now  in  contemplation, 
with  a  view  to  remove  an  anomajy  which,  I  trust,  will  not  continue  to 
exist  much  longer  in  the  reklions  between  Great  Britain  and  the 
American  Rrpublic. 

AnEKiCAN  E\CLB.  And  if  your  diplomatic  negotiations  fail,  you  *ll 
send  Admikal  Pauk.eb  anda  flee^,  to  blockade  New  York,  won't  youf 
You  'U  seize  all  the  craft  you  can  catch  off  Long  Island,  till  such  time 
as  we  lam  to  respect  the  persons  of  vour  blessed  niggers.  But 
woul  in't  you  have  done  all  this  long  afore,  if  New  York  hnd  been 
Athens,  and  Pacipico  the  nigger  imprisoned  at  Charleston  !*  Oh,  yoa 
Are  an  am-ful  Linn  to  the  wpak,  you  are ;  but  there  ain't  a  lamb  milder 
to  tiiem  that  is  likely  to  show  you  the  smallest  fight ! 


4 

i 

I 


MILK.  OHIOH!  OH!  MHiKI 

60UIS  recent  accounts  of  the  Milky  Ways  of  the  London  milkmen 
have  filled  us  with  a  de»ire  to  have  the  good  old  da;s  of  chalk  and 
water  back  again.  We  knew  that  under  the  old  system  our  insidea 
were  simply  whitewashed  with  a  clean  if  not  a  very  wholrsome  prepa» 
ration;  but  we  shudder  at  the  thought  of  what  the  Loudon  milk  it 
now  declared  to  be. 

It  is  said  that  the  rich  creamv  look  of  the  mixture  is  obt-aioed  by  the 
use  of  starch,  sugar  of  lead,  ana  brains.  Oh  !  that  we  could  "dash  out 
our  desperate  br&ms"  from  our  »>Uk-jiu{»,  and  imbibe  the  thinncBt  o( 
dccocliuns  tluit  the  puntp  and  the  chdk-pi'  ever  contributed.  We 
might,  not,  perhaps,  object,  to  a  daah  of  starch  to  enable  us  to  get 
what  might  be  termed  a  stiff  glass  ot  milk- but  there  is  something  so 
awful  in  the  idea  of  brains,  particularly  aa  it  ia  said  tbey  come  from 
the  knaoker^s  yard— fbat  our  own  brain  reela,  swims,  and  perform* 
vnrious  other  cerebral  eccentricities  that  we  know  not  how  to  describe. 
We  fsct  almost  resolved  to  forswear  the  lacteal  liquid  altogether,  and 
take  for  our  motto,  as  a  direction  to  our  children,  "  Lie  miiJt." 


Oiving  it  a  good  Hiding. 

Mavt  jokes — many  compUin's— have  been  made  upon  a  certaia 
Por'raitof  the  Duke  or  Devokbhib-k  iu  thi«  year's  Exhibi'ion.  If 
Ihe  Portrait  waa  not  in  a  fit  sU  e  to  meet  the  public  ^ye,  th^  best  thing 
would  have  hern  to  put  it  'n  tlie  Oc'agoo  Kooin,  lor  thrre  no  one  ooula 
possibly  have  been  ofl'endcd  by  it,  for  no  one  would  have  seen  it. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


203 


AUTO  DA  Ti  IN  ESSEX ! 

Wb  hvte  to  inform  an  astonUbed  world  that  an  auio  da  fi  has 
iCiiuUr  Ukeu  place  is  England,  and  in  the  nineteenth  centurjr.  Thia 
di»(rn«linK  exiubition  of  truculent  bigotry  occurred  on  Tuesday  laat 
week  at  Bill*ric«r,  in  Essex.  The  facts  of  the  horrid  affair  are  recorded 
IB  the  Mnming  Poat. 

The  victim  of  a  blind  and  ferocions  inperBtition  waa  the  l^Mitor  of 
the  TtWi,  vicariouftij  burnt  to  ashes  under  the  species  of  hi*  journaL 

A  conclave  of  fanatics  of  the  Protectionist  order  having  met  at  the 
appointed  lime  and  place,  the  alleged  heretic  was  denounced  br  the 
ifjsv.  C.  Day,  Vicar  of  Mucking,  who  appeaTS  to  ba  one  of  the  most 
frantic  snd  violent  zralots  of  bis  »ect.  This  Dat  described  the  ?y»ci 
as  an  '*  infamous^  abominable,  and  perjured  journal,'*  and  accused  it  of 
•ttenip'ing  "  to  set  the  labourers  against  their  eniployers."  The  only 
foundation  for  this  cliarfce  was,  that  when  Mn  Cuowlsb  tlireatened 
that  the  firuiers  would  drive  the  labourers  to  rebellion  by  aendinglhem 
to  the  Workhouse,  tbo  Timti  made  the  very  obvious  remark,  thftt  such 
ft  proceeding  would  only  have  the  pffcct  of  causing  them  to  destroy 
ricks  *nd  bum  ihr&shing-mftchines.  But  this,  in  the  eyes  of  sanffuinary 
ALd  prejudiced  judges,  waa  enough  to  seal  the  doom  of  the  onending 
journal.  A  voice— speaking  the  senliuienta  of  the  whole  assembly, 
eidaimed    *'  Bum  it !  '* 

Yes  ! ''  cri*  d  tbe  furious  though  reverend  Dat,  at  onoe  accuser  and 

Bum  it.  if  you  like!" 
lien  followed  tbe  executiou,  which  is  that  described  by  an  eye- 
witness : — 

"  A  copy  of  tb«  Timte;  p1ft««d  on  (b«  top  of*  pole,  wu  tb«n  bronght  out  and  (brmftlly 
bonii  in  tha  uiarkot- place,  siciilit  tlie  cxcctkUodi  ofUtose  ftnnod." 

This  act  of  barbarity  is  evidently  the  seir»nie  proceeding  with  that 
of  the  Inquisi'ors  of  Spain,  who  used  to  bum  hfrelica  in  tffigy— only 
when  the  originals  were  out  of  tbe  way.  Such  a  wrecking  of  spite  and 
malice  upon  inanimate  type  and  paper  reminds  us  of  tbe  school  boy  in 
SxTHOua's  caricature,  smashing  tbe  weather-glass  that  would  point  to 
"Rain,"  or  of  children  generaJlv,  whp  beat  or  kick  Ihc  object  over 
which  Ihey  have  stumbled.  The  BiHcricay  act  of  faith — or  act  of  folly 
—will  not  tend  to  lessen  the  peculiar  reputation  of  Essex  ;  for  whilst  it 
evinces  the  lavage  passions  of  the  hull,  it  at  the  same  tiutc  betraya  tbe 
feeble  intellect  of  tho  calf. 


^* 


DEPUTATION, 
%  jFarre. 


good  deal  in  eabs;  ud  there  ii  not  a  cabman— if  you  come  to  talk 
about  oa*»— that  un*t  aninit  froe  trade.  Oata  to  be  sure  are  cheaper ; 
but  then,  br-cause  they're  cheap,  people  want  to  ride  for  nothing. 

Broum.  My  lord,  with  all  respect  for  my  friend  HoBlKaov,  I  must  say 
we  do  not  at  this  moment  wish  to  launch  into  tbe  great  sea  of  oata. 
There  *8  a  time  coming  for  that.  But  I  may  be  allowed  to  observe  to 
vour  lordship— especially  as  you  never  see  the  papers,  and  may  have 
heard  exaggerated  reports— that  though  thrre  were  certain  fraak- 
hearted  farmers  who  talked  of  raising  cavalrv,  and  having  a  good  stand- 
up  6ght  with  the  authorities,  for  wheat  at  56*.— that  nevertheless,  good 
souls!  they  ntver  meant  it.  The  words  sounded  a  little  stionK— but 
only  fizz  and  froth,  my  lord;  no  real  treason  uiy  lord— nothifiglikc  it. 

Premier.  1  assure  >oa,  Ma.  Bnowy,  I  have  been  too  long  in  public 
life— have  contested  too  m&uv  elections,  not  to  treat  with  extremeat 
tolerance  the  ebullition  of  public  lecliug.  Whfn  on  the  bastings,  a 
bad  egg  has  with  nie  gone  for  a  bad  egg,  and  nothing  more — and  a  dead 
oat  has  been  a  dead  cat,  and  there 's  an  end.  As  I  say,  ebullitions  of 
public  feeling, — evideners,  a  little  strong  to  be  sure,  bat  still  only 
evlleno'S,  of  the  blessings  of  our  incomparable  constitution. 

lioi/'iuoM,  My  lord,  many  of  us  are  nisgistratrs.  and  however  we  may 
countenance  foul  language  at  a  public  meeting^suoh  as  the  last — we 
never  fail  when  on  the  bench  to  mulct  ofTeoders  in  the  sum  of  five 
shillings. 

Premier.  Sir,  I  have  no  doubt  of  it ;  and  with  respect  to  the  subject 
of  this  memorial,  all  I  can  say  1^,  if  we  've  been  mistaken  in  our  pohoy, 
we  are  rvidently  wrong.  If.  on  the  other  hand,  we  have  not  been  mia* 
taken— if  we  b«ve  not  hauirded  reckless  legislation,  why,  then,  it  li 
more  than  probable  we  are  right. 

Brtmn^  My  lord,  we  are  penetrated  by  your  lordship's  condesceaaioBi 
and  thank  you  heart  ily  for— 

Grt^n  {aaide,  and  puUing  Browk's  $Jh'r(t),  Am'C  joa  going  to  aaj 
something  about  the  Colonies  Y 

Brown  {aside  to  Gkeen^.  No  ;  I  thought  that  was  you. 

Gr«£n.  Welt,  thrn,  my  lord,  allow  me  to  say,  that  whilst  you  cut  off 
negroes  from  the  West  Indies,  jou  can't  shut  up  the  slave  market  of 
the  Brazils.     You — 

[7^  PnEvrxR  bowj,  and  ail  IKe  Deputation,  except  QaKsn,  mote» 
iotcarda  the  door. 

Qreen.  Allow  me  to  say  that  the  fight  of  freedom  and  slavery  is  in  tha 
Englishman's  tea>cup,  and — 

[The  PiLKMiER  bow,  ond  Greeet  seetM^  hims€\f  about  to  be  de$erted^ 
joint  (fie  Deputati.n.  who  immedtalely  withdraw  to  the  Kiiu^i 
Jrms,  when  JiiwiMff  denouiteed  *'  the  I'raitor  of  Tamworth,"  thep 
adjonm  to  three  cheert^  which  they  "  llcgister,  register." 

EUD  Of  Fabc*. 


AS  paaroaifKD  at  ou  sujistts  CABiifET  TuiATas,  nowTdivo  sntiBT. 

Scene— /W^©r  qfthe  Premier* t  OJicial  Retidence. 
TiMB — Noon.     DiKOTCted  in  ui  unewy  chair,  Tbb  Prkmiui. 

Prnaier  («o/vj).  Huit  Another  depntaJion.  Tbe  greatest  of  all 
poliltcal  arts,  is  the  art  of  saying  nothing  with  a  grncr,  and  beiug 
courteous  with  no  meaning.    Just  twelve.    Here  Ihey  come. 

[Door  is  thrown  tpen,  and  the  Deputation,  conaUting  of  BnoWK* 
JoHEs,  and  KoBiNsoM,  Black,  Whitil  and  Ghken,  §rc.  ^c, 
duly  artnouneedt  enter^    Bowm  are  interchanged. 

Brown.  Your  lordship  is  no  doubt  aware  that  a  meeting  of  the  most 
ominuus  maffuiuide  Itas  been  held  at — 

Premier.  Pardon  roe ;  I'm  aware  of  nothing  of  the  sort.  Fray  don't 
aabume  that  I  know  anything. 

Brown.  Why,  my  lord,  our  meeting  waa  reported — eight  ootunuu  of 
it  in— 

Jonee.  Eight  P  Ten ! 

Btown.  I  sm  corrected— ten  columns  in  the  newspapers  of— 

Premier,  1  never  read  the  newspapers. 

Brvwn.  As  you  please,  my  lord ;  nevertJieless,  at  that  meeting  a 
memorial  was  adopted :  a  memorial  rehearsing  nil  the  grievances  of  the 
land :  o  memorial,  a  copy  of  which  I  have  tha  honour  to  lay  before  your 
iordihlp. 

Prrmitr  {tunning  over  the  memorial}.  Hm !  Ha!  Of  course,  I  never 
shirk  the  responsibility  of  the  executive  government;  but — pardon  me 
—1  can't  agree  with  your  memorial.  You  say  here  we  have  done 
nothing — now,  1  think,  we  have  done  everything.  There  is  no  reuon 
that  this  slight  variation  of  opinion  should  create  any  difference  between 
us;  by  no  means.  1  waa  always  fortolera'ion — lei  us  continue  toenjoy 
our  own  sentiments— it  is  the  privilege  of  a  free  country ;  and  the  glory 
of  Englishmen. 

Jonet.  As  for  opinion,  my  lord;  my  opinion  is,  that  there  are  no  real 
opinions  in  the  liouse  of  Commons  reflecting  the  opinions  of  the  people 
ol  EnKlaiid  M  at  present  coosututcd. 

premier  You  see,  there  are  two  sides  to  that  question  ;  the  negative 
and  the  affirmative:  both  of  course  caa*t  be  rifht;  thun,  again,  it  ia 
impossible  that  both  can  be  wrong. 

Sobituon.  I  assure  you.  my  lord*  X  am  ia  the  habit  of  travelling  a 


A  Redcced  Faie.— We  know  a  young  lady,  who,  in  her  horror  of 
Old'Maidism,  has  engraved  at  the  bottom  of  her  carda :  "  No  reaaonable 
offer  wdl  be  refused.'* 


I 


I 


ATFECTHrO    8CENE-KIKG    80YER    RESIGNIKO    THE    GREAT    STEWPAN 


RESIGNATION  OF  SOYER. 

CoNsinERABLE  excttemcnt  h&s,  for  some  time  past,  becu  occasioned 
at  the  West  Etid,  by  the  rumour  of  i*8  being  the  iiitcntiou  of  Mons. 
FoYiiR  to  rrsign  hia  posilion  as  Ch^  of  the  Heform  Clab.  A  fev  days 
ago  Uio  nielaDcholy  rumour  was  changed  into  frandc  certainty,  and  it 
b?'*am!>  Rrnerally  known  ifaat  SovBa  bad  resigned  the  basting  spoon  of 
(•fiiac,  into  I  he  hauiis  of  ihe  CouiuiiUee.  and  bud  put  his  spit  at  thnu 
feet.  On  'lie  first  announcDient  of  Ibis  intflligT.ct",  the  enqiiiriet 
were  general  whether  !xiRD.T<.n\  w,  iild  go  ou'.  with  SovER,  whoM 
re'ircTiient,  it   was  f>aid,  had  ■---  cabinet  to  atoms.    But  ou 

inquirv,  it  wan  a'certaiced  li  iiiet  thalcen  to  atoms,  was  a 

Oiibiuei  pud  1  was  bciug  prepared  at  the  uioment,  whtn  in  n 

BtJi  e  of  pit!  an  ibe  f'*c/*reeoIvcd  an  ibrowing up  the  office 

he  has  so  long  rt-Hnnu. 

VarioiiA  causes  have  been  assigned  for  the  step  tli&t  has  been  taken, 
but.  DOihibg  IS  ponlivcly  Lnovrn.  By  sot^'C  it  is  intimated  that  there 
ban  long  btfrn  a  coloeu  over  the  kitchen  fire,  and  that  Soteu  has 
Tacat*cr bis  office,  iu  The  liopc  of  CrdiJig  a  mucb  wider  range  for  bib 
abilities.  Some  inainuite  that  he  waa  diss&Usfied  with  lib  subordinates, 
and  that  on  sering  a  sirloin  of  beef  going  round  ou  tbe  spit  with 
improper  Telocity,  he  expressed  his  horror  at  thiftga  taking  such 
a  turn. 

In  some  quarters  it  ia  wbifpTed  (hat  there  are  certain  provisions 
contsintd  in  a  bill  whichlbe  Ta:/'' bought  necessary  to  the  maintenance 
of  his  government ;  but  thoae  provisions  requiring  a  bill  of  enoniiouB 
magnitude,  were  objected  to  in  cornniittee  as  cxtraragant,  and  not  in 
Moordanoe  with  tbe  nioderate  tastes  of  the  ineuibers,  but  Soteu 
declared  it  impossible  to  carrtr  on  the  culiuitry  government  on  a  paltry 
■calB  of  economy.  Maay  of  his  plans  required  very  early  peas,  but  be 
ud  the  Commiitee  having,  it  is  snid,  split  upon  these  peas,  and  the 
latter  refusing  to  shell  out,  the  C^  bad  no  alternative.  0  hers  give 
ou*,  with  an  air  of  some  auihonry,  that  Soyek's  schemes  were  so 
gigantic,  as  to  require  a  supply  of  6Te  hundred  new  st«w^Ani ;  but  the 
requisition  having  been  cbaracteri^rd  by  an  "exquisite"  belonging  to 
tbe  Comu.ittee  as  ioaiethlng  **  rf^ilji  iUw-pan-doM*'  tbe  pride  of  the 
01/  wsa  offended,  and  he  reaolved  at  ouoe  on  retirement. 


I 


This  affair  will  cauie  much  embarrassment,  aa  it  will  reijuire  the  filling 
p  of  8(  veral  offices  which  the  genius  of  Soyer  was  enRbled  to  com- 
me.  Thvre  must  be  a  minister  for  foreign  atlair?,  irduJing  ►ll  tbe 
"French  dishes,  snd  none  but  n  ^ucctsfor  of  the  Phesipent  DU  Paty 
could  hope  to  preside  over  the  pits.  As  to  the  nufTs,  the  los*  ofSotER 
will  not  be  do  severely  fflr,  rs  moat  of  the  pufTs  ho  yisb  so  fanioua  for 
manufacturing  were  for  his  own  use. 


THE  THERMOMETER  OF  LOYALTY. 

Tbb  other  day,  it  was  apprehended  that  t  he  farmers  would  rise ;  but 
wheat  has  risen  instead.  Thus  the  rising  of  tbe  oom^growfrs  may  be 
represented  as  a  coosequence  of  the  falling  of  com ;  though  the  precise 
drgree  of  cheapness  that  produces  insnrrrction  baa  not  been  exactly 
deternrined.  IL  is,  however,  an  ascertiiiaed  law  tn  political  pliilofophy 
that  (helnyslty  of  the  agricultural  Protectionist  increases  in lemperAtiire 
in  direct  ratio  with  the  price  of  wheat.  A  beautiful  spplicat-.on  of  this 
principle  10  practica  is  rxemplified  in  ourncwly-invcntcd  Agrictil'ural 
Pocket  Tbemiometer,  which  indicates  loa  nicety  the  wiirm*h  of  the 
sentiment  in  question.  This  instrument  dilTers  from  the  orainary 
thermometer  in  i's  freezing  p:>iut  being  fixed  at  3&";  that  is  to  say, 
(hirty-eight  shillings  a  quarter;  for  pro-corn-law  loyalty  assumes  ttie 
oharscter  of  ice  long  bolore  i's  temperature  sinks  to  32°*  AVi'hiu  the 
last  few  weeks  it  has  been  nearlV  down  to  eto.  The  degree  of 
"  Temperate  '*  is  attained  at  45",  and  at  56°  the  farnicrs'^  loyal'y  boilj 
wi  h  grcAt  noise,  and  Ihe  extrication  of  much  vapour.  We  have  teatea 
the  accuracy  of  our  thermometer  on  the  Duke  op  Richmond's 
friends,  Ciiowij:aaLd  HiGCUfs.  Introduc  d  for  a  moment  into  such 
gentlemen's  pockets,  it  registers,  precisely,  the  degree  of  loyal  heat  in 
their  hcarU. 


The  Bailway  Oaatronomic  Begenerator. 

SiKCJB  Soyer's  resignation,  the  most  lilwral  cilfers  hav^  been  made  t^) 
him  by  sevenl  Railway  Con  panies  toiomiheir  Board  of  Dirrcics.  The 
cibje ct  of  securing  such  a  celehrHted  che/d^  nn$im  as  MoKSUun  Sorsa 
is  erideaUy  to  Iuitc  the  benefit  of  his  skill  in  **  oooking  their  aooounta.*^ 


I 


mm 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


207 


he 


FELLOWSHIP  AMONG  SUHGEONS. 

••  Kb,  Pfnch. 

"  Sevbn-akd-twthtt  brisk  young  rdlowj— FcUowb  by  examin- 
alion  of  tbe  KoyaJ  ikAlrg".  of  Surgeonft— mtt  soiie  time  a^o.  as  the 
Lmietl  rrktes  in  full,  to  considrr  of  a  maiter  touchiDg  tbeir  bonour 
and  |ctor)r.  \o\x  muBt  knoHr,  Mr.  Ptttuk,  that  we  \\b.vt  Fellows  by 
Bianiina'ion,  and  FcJ1o«b  by  Luck.  Tbe  latter  are  c^rUin  Diemb^rs  of 
(he  College  who  were  «o  forfnukte  as  to  find  favour  in  tbe  eve«  of  the 
Council,  and  to  be  dubbed  by  iha'-  learned  body,  toftether  with  i'self,  in 
virtue  of  a  Ch-«rtcr  whicn  it  reoeired  in  1843.  The  foruier  acquired  the 
honour  of  the  Fellowvbip  br  uudetfcouis;  an  Kumiioalion,  which  tbe 
Council,  with  a  contempt  of  prnioiple  Trry  remark^bK  required  of  some 
of  its  members — all  of  whom  were  previously  of  equal  rank — aod  dis- 
pensed Tiih  in  the  oaae  of  others. 

"  From  1843  to  the  present  time,  the  Conncil  lias  been  continuously 
biased  and  hooted  for  the  unjost  and  arbitrary  conduct,  which  it  was 
tbea  ffuilty  of,  in  creating  an  invidious  distinction  between  oo^ual 
mflmbers  of  the  same  profession. 

"  These  sytDptoms  of  public  disapprobation  have  at  length  induced  it 
to  reconsider  its  course,  and  now  it  has  applied  to  Government  for  a 
supplemental  Charter,  empowering  it  to  elevkte  to  the  Fellowship, 
witnoat  euminatjon,  members  of  a  certain  standing.  To  discuss  this 
proposed  extension  of  the  Fellowship,  the  Fellows  by  Examination  were 
convened.  Three  and-twenty  out  of  tbe  twenty-seven  that  coniposed 
the  meeting,  concurred  in  deprecating  it.  The  view  of  the  majority 
was  opposed  by  Ma.  Thomab  WaJLLsr,  Ju3(.,  Ma.  Ebjchses?,  and  two 
other  gentlemen,  names  unknown. 

"Ceriainly,  Mr.  PuficA,  you.  would  say  that-,  intrinsically,  length  of 
years  no  more  merits  a  scientific  title  than  lengtti  of  noses:  and  that 
Jostice  would  not  make  Seniority  a  present  of  an  honour  which  it 
forced  Juniority  to  earn.  To  raise  old  Joltek  to  the  level  to  which 
vou  bare  made  young  Brisk  climb,  is  unfairly  to  annul  the  distinction 
between  B  and  J. 

"  But,  Sir,  why  did  our  three-and-twent^  brisk  young  fellows  submit 
to  an  examination,  if  tbe  partial  requisition  of  it  was  an  injustice? 
They  have  already  rccngnised  that  right  of  discretionarr  oubbing 
against  the  farther  exercise  of  which  they  now  protest.  From  oom- 
plsining  of  any  such  act  on  the  Council's  part  they  are  quietly 
ee  topped. 

*'  Let  them  be  consoled.  They  may  preserve  the  distinction  of  which 
they  are  BO  sensi'ively  tenacious.  They  are  Fellows  by  Examination: 
let  them  call  themselves  so ;  which  is  more  than  the  Council  itsetf  can. 
The  danger  to  their  dignity  on  the  ground  of  which  they  oppose  an  act 
of  Justice  is  imaginary  ■  and  their  anxiety  on  that  score  is  superfluous 
as  well  as  unwarrantecl.  They  had  better  put  their  exclusiveness  in 
their  pockets,  and  liberally  agree  to  salute  the  new  Fellows  with  "H&il 
fellow,  well  met."    So,  at  least,  thinks 

"  Tour  Surgical  Student, 

"  Pbobe." 


THE  BATTLE  FOR  INTRAMUIIAL  CHURCHYARDS. 

Op  the  Undertakers  wroth, 
Sing  the  glorious  fray's  renown. 
When  they  stocxl  up  for  their  doth 
At  the  Anchor  and  the  Crown, 
Where  their  zeal  for  "vested  mteresta  "  was  abown ; 
They  came  flucking  to  the  Strand, 
Round  esch  liat  a  rable  band ; 
And  one  Nodks,  we  understand, 
L.d  ibem  on. 

Blank  of  looks  as  black  of  coat. 
With  eyes  almost  dropping  bdiiei 
Their  appearance  did  denote 
Qre&t>  disoomfort  in  the  "  line." 
Which  with  extramural  burial  doesn't  cbime. 
From  among  those  carnon  crowa, 
Such  a  deathlike  odour  rose, 
That  our  stoutest  held  his  nose 
For  a  time. 

It  rcqTiired  no  prophet^s  ken« 
To  anticipate  a  scene; 
Since  the  sanitary  men 
An  asaembly  did  eonrene. 
On  behalf  of  the  Interments'  Bill,  which. 
Overreaching  roguery  strips. 
And  deathhunten'  oharget  nipii 
Dark  and  tcnible  eeUpee 
Totiuirnnf 


t « 


RoBBBT  GBOsrBNoa  took  the  chair. 

And  be  made  a  goodly  speech ; 
Tber  assailed  him,  then  and  thet«^ 
With  howl,  yell,  whoop,  and  tcreecb. 
With  hisses,  Khouts  of  "  <  >ff ! "  and  cries  of  "  No  I 
And  dt»cusf>ion,  ii  was  plain,! 
Would  be  uliprly  in  Tft'n  \ 
Or  to  speijL  ui  vuigitr  strain. 
All  no  go. 

Then  old  Nodes  in  rave  up  sprang, 
And  inveighed  in  angry  tone ; 
There  was  fun  in  his  harangue. 
He  so  stxiutly  held  his  own^ 
And  one  prrgnant  observation  that  he  mode 
It  were  pity  to  forget. 
He  those  nroceedings  met, 
As  a  regular  *'  dead  set  " 
At  h:«  trade. 

Then  confusion  dire  ensued, 
Which  precluded  all  debate ; 
And  a  tnorough  row  was  breVd, 
Punch  to  stomach,  thump  to  pat« ; 
Thouerfa  it  s  ems  that  no  one  met  with  serious  harm. 
And  tbe  meeting  so  did  end 
As  when  thunder-showers  deacenda 
And  the  forests  bow  and  bend 
In  tbe  storm. 

Ail  reason  clamour  drowns. 
To  fisticuffs  thev  fell ; 
And  plaj'd  at     knock -'em-downs." 
Hanimer*and-tonKs ;  ptll-mell. 
Meanwhile,  amid  the  noise  and  the  uproar, 
Kemember  'hose  who  vleep 
In  pitfl  some  fathom«  deep, 
A  foul  and  festering  heap 
By  the  score. 

Infection  ever  steams 
Froiu  their  pes' ilen'ial  bed. 
Where  leil  Corrup'ion  teems 
Among  the  crowded  d^ad. 
To  agRraudise  exturtion  :  while  the  knave, 
Tliat  in  fill  hint  lucre  roUs. 
Sees  his  neighbours  die  in  shoals. 
Singing,  "Merry  the  knell  lolls 
O'er  the  grave." 


a  THiiin  wavxa  ult. 


Oeogrnphy  for  Tousg  Ladies. 

"  Whbbi's  Hatcham  ?"  enquired  a  young  lady  upon  meeting  with 
the  nuue  0^  thai  town  in  a  newspaper.  "Why,  you  stupid  I  "  indrg- 
nantly  excWuird  her  brother,  "  Uatchatn  is  the  Urst  stage  after  £gham 
to  be  sure,"  and  the  young  Udy  believed  it. 


DOWX   OS   THE   NilL. 


Thx  Nailmakers,  we  are  sorry  to  sav,  have  joined  in  a  very  extensive 
strike.  The  only  strike  we  should  nave  been  glad  to  hear  of  among 
the  Nailmakers,  would  be  their  having  hit  the  right  nail  on  the 
bead. 


208 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


erf 


\ 


^^^ 


PUrriNG  A  PANOEAMA  fiOUND  TEE  EARTU. 

BAVELLUt'O  IB  now-a-dftjs  so 
cheap,  that  it  is  brought 
vitbm  lUe  means  of  tbe 
meanest  pocket.  A  miser, 
starting  from  Burlington 
Arcade,  could  ewily  travel 
round  the  world  for  five 
BliilltDgs. 

If  this  cbeapnesi  spreads 
much  further,  tbe  longest 
and  dearest  journey  will 
ahortly  be  from  Hongerford 
Bridge  to  Paddington  for 

^'  •      . 

We  hare  enjoyed  many 

cheap  exoarsiona  lately. 
We  have  visited  every  quar- 
ter of  the  univorseat  Effyp- 
lian  Hall— have  been  stirred 
np  with  tho  North  Pole  by 
Mr.  BuafouD  in  Leicester 
Square— have  emigrated  to 
New  Zealand,  and  been 
brought  back  a^ain  in  less 
than  two  hours  by  Mh. 
BttEES— and  know  every 
feature  of  every  river  that 
has  had  its  likeness  taken  on  a  piece  of  canvas,  not  more  than  three  miles 
long.  We  have  enjoyed  all  these  little  trips,  and  thought  them  wonder- 
fully cheap,  and  wonderfully  quick— but  it  seems  that  travelling  was 
Ihen  in  its  sUgc-coacti  days  of  infancy.  Paintings  now  move  with  the 
rapidity  of  steam— and  an  artist,  who  has  anythingof  the  quicltness  ot 
the  fox  with  his  brush,  will  paint  you  a  Panorama,  long  enough  lo  go 
round  the  Globe,  in  less  time  almost  than  Akiel  boasted  of  putting  a 
girdle  round  if.  ,     „      ,     _,  ,r  v      j 

The  latest  pictorial  girdle  of  this  kind  is  the  Ocerland  Mail,  and  a 
most  lovely  work  of  art  it  is,  radiaut  wilh  beauty,  and  sparkling  with 
Ihe  most  costly  Indian  gems.  .        „  ,  ,, 

We  do  not  know  the  exnot  length  of  i*.  and  really  you  follow  ita 
winding  course  with  such  a  happy  reeling  of  enjoyment,  that,  if  it  were 
three  tunes  as  long  as  it  is.  you  would  slill  feel  a  regret  that  it  had  come 
so  abruptly  to  an  end.  „    .  . 

The  v*riott»  pictures  which  turn  lliis  girdle  into  an  ever-varying 
Qallery  qf  Wu^traiiom,  are  taken  from  aubjecis  which  tbe  traveller  picks 
np  on  nia  road,  between  Southampton  Docks  and  Cdloutia, 

These  subjects  arc  composed  of  half  water,  half  sand.  These  materials 
might  be  objected  to  as  being  too  wishy-washy  and  too  dry  for  a  long 
Panorama,  but  we  can  only  say  that,  in  the  hands  of  the  artists  engaged, 
the  water  is  such  drlicious  water,  that  it  only  gives  you  a  thirst  for 
more,  and  that  ihe  sand  is  such  superior  sand,  that  it  shines  with  all  the 
interest  of  gold  in  your  eyes.  . .    , . 

Moreover,  the  water  is  dancing  in  every  direction  with  ships  and  boats, 
and  steamers,  dressed  out  gail/  with  flags  and  seamen  of  every  colour 
in  the  world — and,  besides,  it  has  a  handsome  border  of  scenery, 
with  tints  so  dazzling,  that  a  French  ribbon  would  give  you  no  more 
idea  of  I  heir  lustrous  cooibication,  than  an  omelette  could  of  one  of 
TuANza's  gorgeous  pictures. 

The  sand,  also,  is  alive  with  Arabs,  and  omnibuses,  and  cara- 
vans, and  Cockniea  dancing  the  Polka.  Camels,  too,  are  dying— which 
is  a  great  proof  of  the  picture's  accuracy,  for  we  never  recollect  a  view 
of  the  Desert  yet,  but  tliat  there  was  sure  to  be  a  camel  dying  in  it. 
This  poor  animal  must  be  the  .Iohn  O'Conuell  of  quadrupeds,  for  he 
Sa  always  "  laying  down  his  life." 

The  omnibusen,  by-tbe-hye,  are  very  like  our  bathing  machines,  with 
the  curtains  taken  off.  If  they  are  licensed  to  carry  fourteen  iusiae.  we 
should  be  very  sorry  to  be  the  fourteenth.  Ttiey  have  no  stand,  either, 
for  the  conductor  behind,  which  mu»t  be  very  inconvenient  if  a  Sheikh 
wants  to  be  taken  up,  or  any  "  son  of  a  dog  "  wants  to  bo  put  down,  in 
the  middle  of  the  Desert. 

Uf  the  two  halve*,  we  like  the  sandv  half  the  better.  The  fact  is,  that 
iiirrounded  as  we  are  wilh  water,  antf  flooded  as  we  have  been  wilh  the 
Mile  and  Mississippi,  and  other  Panoramas  that,  like  Soteb*s  Pauper 
Soup  were  Full  of  scaroelr  anrthing  but  water,  it  is  but  natural  that  that 
fluid  however  perfrct  ana  unlike  tbe  Thames  it  may  be,  should  paLl  a  little 
on  the  public,  and  the  artist's  paltile.  This  is  1  he  reason  why  the  sand  "  a 
aauti a  not  feus**  as  the  French  say,  with  tho  j^fc^ter  pleasure,  and  the 
pleasure  must  have  been  sometlting  verv  exquisite,  when  we  assure  the 
reader  that  we  kept  the  sand  for  full  half  an  hour  m  our  eve,  and  never 
felt  a  moment's  desire  to  have  it  removed.  Tbe  horses  do  everything 
but  neigh.  Their  coats  shine  as  if  they  were  made  out  of  the  richest 
silks  and  satins,  and,  altogether,  they  are  so  beautifully  dressed,  that  we 
think  none  but  a  lady  in  the  height  of  fashioD.  could  ride  them. 


ETerything  is  tamed  off  in  the  most  finished  manser,  exoep^g  tho 
canvan,  which,  like  a  black,  creeping,  river,  winds  along,  and  is  lost  in 
the  distance!  the  camels*  humps  looking  ao(  unlike  a  long  line  of  vareSi 
trying  to  leap  over  one  another. 

We  should  like  to  stop  a  whole  day  at  Malta— and  to  tarry  for  a  whole 
night  at  Cairo,  walking  and  mooning  about,  reading  the  ^ra^idii  NigMi, 
but  we  are  afraid  the  proprietors  mi^bt  object,  and  would  be  turning  ns 
out  of  the  room.  The  reader  must  visit  them  himself,  for  unless  we  nad 
a  pen  that  had  the  gift  of  colours,  like  Mil.  Qkuvs's  brash,  it  would  be 
folly  attempting  to  describe  pictures  that,  when  seen,  speak  for 
themselves  so  much  more  elo(|uently  than  words. 

We  have  reached  Calcutta  :—and  by  the  noise  and  shufRing  are 
reminded  that  we  have  never  left  London.  It  is  most  curious  on  coming 
out  into  Regent  Street  to  find  that  the  porters  and  nabmen  are  not  black, 
and  that  persons  are  ridiuf;  on  horses  instead  of  camels.  We  call  for 
our  palankeen,  and  we  sigh  when  the  film  falls  from  our  tyts,  as  a 
Hansom  is  brought  to  the  door.  We  ruah  bsck  to  the  '*  City  of  Palaces  " 
— but,  alasl  the  Exhibition  is  closed  !  It  doubles  up  one's  heart  as  flat 
as  a  Gibus  hat,  to  be  compelled  to  stou  in  this  ugly  mews-yard  of  a 
metropolis,  after  the  beautiful  cities  we  have  just  feasted  our  eyes  upon. 


ENTERTAINMENTS  ON  THE  QUEEN'S  BIRTH-DAY. 

The  usual  list  has  appeared  of  entertainments  fiiven  by  the  heads  of 
Departments  in  celebraliou  of  Hku  Majesty's  Btrth-Day,  but  there 
were  some  omiaatooa,  a  few  of  which  we  have  the  happiness  of  supplying. 
The  Beadle  of  the  Opera  Arcade  enterUined  a  select  circle  of  Metro- 
poliUn  Beadles — with  a  comic  jonjr— at  his  olEcial  residence,  the  watch- 
box,  in  the  rear  of  Her  Majesty's  Tlteatre. 

The  Gate  Keeper  at  Kensington  Gardens,  entertained  a  small  parly  of 
nursery  maids  and  children  with  the  exhibition  of  his  Waterloo  Medal, 
and  recited  >ome  anecdotes  of  his  exploits  under — or,  rather,  by  the 
side  of — the  Dlke  oy  Wkllikcton. 

Mr.  Funeh  cntertamed  the  whole  world  at  his  weekly  basqnet,  u 
ujtnal, 

Mr.  Dokttp  entertained  himself  by  reading  various  letters  from  his 
tradesmen,  but  did  not  see  his  way  lo  the  funds  necessary  for  enter- 
taining the  idea  of  immediately  paying  them. 


A  Quick  Pasaage. 

A  STOUT  gentleman  on  Tuesday  last  entered  the  I/Owthcr  Arcade 
from  the  Strand,  at  10  minutes  tu  1,  and  succeeded  in  reaching  tbe 
opposite  end  precisely  at.  25  minutes  to  6,  This  is  considered  a  rerj 
(juick  transit,  as  the  Middle  Passage,  at  all  times  a  very  narrow  oae^ 
is  at  this  time  of  the  year,  all  but  closed  op.  A  chimney-sweep  gains 
a  good  livelihood,  we  are  told,  by  stationing  himself  at  either  end  of 
the  Arcade,  and  offering  for  a  small  gratuity,  to  escort  gentlemen,  who 
are  in  a  hurry,  through  that  dreadful  pus.  He  effects  a  thoroughfare 
in  something  less  than  half  an  hour. 


THS  BOUST  BAT  VOE  ARTIflTfl, 

An  Artist,  of  some  repute,  is  so  discontented  with  the  position  of  his 
pictures  in  this  year's  Ei^tihitioo.  that  he  has  wrilten  a  long  letter  of 
remonstrancs  upon  the  subject  fo  the  Hanging  Comndttee.    Tbe  answer 

be  has  received  is  to  the  following  terrible  effect:  "Mu.  had 

better  take  eare,  or  his  pictures,  next  year,  will  bo  hung  in  the  Octagon 
Room  t " 


A 


What  is  Mak  P— An  American  author  describes  Ua& 
auinial  that  drinks  sherry  cobblers." 


M  the  onljr 


■P 


m 


m 


A  LEAPING  BAEONKT. 


PUNCH.  OR  TIIE   LONDON  CIIARIVARL 


209 


HB  pApera  ImTe  recently 
contained  an  account  of  an 
extraordinary  feAt  performed 

by  a  certain   Sib  W 

Y ,  who  has  just  accom- 

plisbed  llifl  task  of  running 
a  mill)  and  leaping  over  a 
buodred  hurdles,  3  feet  6  in- 
ches high,  in  18  minutes  and 
SO  Mioonds.  The  notes  and 
queries  of  David  CopperfU  lid 
eon^dante,  Julia  Mitin,  might 
be  very  applicable  to  this 
case ;  and  we  are  inclined 
to  ask,  with  /.  M. — "l*r, 
Why  run  a  mile?  ad, "Why 
over  hurdles?  And  3l, 
Why  in  18  minutes  30  se- 
conds T " 

The  puztle  appears  still 
frreater  when  we  And  that 

Sin    W ,    thouah    he 

cleverly  performed  the  fear, 
was  "neither  in  health  nor 
spirits."  Wc  might  form 
some  faint  idea  of  (he  tnotire  that  would  indtica  an  individual  in  the 
Bsuberanoe  of  robust  vi^tir,  and  iu  the  whirl  of  unusitnl  taicty.  to  po 
bounding  along  over  a  lot  of  hurdln%  and  run  a  mile  within  a  brief 
space  of  time  ;  but  when  we  find  the  voliiiiUry  athlete  was  actually  in- 
tli^posed  in  body,  and  depressed  in  feeliiitr,  we  are  posi'.ively  thunder- 
Bfruck  at  the  recital  of  his  neealcss  achievement.  Fancy  an  invalid 
hopping:,  skippioe,  and  jumping  m  tiie  maoner  adopted  by  the  worthy 
Baronet,  and  only  conceive  a  man  in  low  spirits  going  through  a  series 
01  aarie%  impressed  with  all  tlic  rampant  fun  of  the  most  extravagant 
pantomime. 

It  is  vtrv  evident  tliat  we  must  not,  in  future,  judge  from  appearances, 
and  regard  athletic  sports  AS  an  indication  of  bodily  and  mental  vigour 
on  the  part  of  those  who  indulge  in  them.  If  we  should  happen  to  see 
a  man  tumbling  head  over  beets,  or  requesting  a  back  at  leap-frog  of  a 
passing  stranger,  we  may  infer  that  his  health  is  undennined,  or  that 
tiia  spirits  are  suffering  from  depression. 


"Sa, 


TIIE  EARLY  DRIVING  ASSOCIATION. 


You  often  pulls  us  up — and  we  often  desarres  it.    "Will  you 
give  ui  a  hand,  now,  to  help  us  a  forward  a  bit  1* 

"  I  see  lota  of 'Sociationa  (or  Enrly  Closing,  but  not  vun  for  Early 
Driving.  Now  I  'm  a  poor  *bus-m&n,  and  I  tits  on  my  pfrcb  somoiimes 
till  I'm  ready  to  drop  off  it.  I  don't  know  how  long  a  hen  mav  sit  at 
a  stretch,  but  fourteeu  hours  a  day  would  try  its  pa'ience,  I  think,  a 
few.  Why,  the  poor  tailors,  who  was  put  by  the  Day  at  Alijecrs  to 
hatch  eggs,  was  never  condemned  in  their  worst  si' tings  to  so  n;any 
hours  as  that,  and  I  often  thinks  that  the  old  pictur  of  ratience  a  iiit* 
tin^  on  a  Monynient  a-grinning  at  Gri^f  must  have  meant  a  'Bus 
Dnver  a-looking  down  on  his  osses.  In  all  wcAther,  too,  weather 
broiling  hot,  or  as  cold  as  the  Artacbe  Regions,  it  is  all  the  same,  we 
must  go  through  it.  Talk  of  Cruelty  to  Ammals !  Ty  none  of  my 
banimals  goes  more  nor  vim  stage  a  day,  but  ve  goes  alt  stages,  and 
I'm  afraid  the  last  'un  will  beagallopingconsamp'ion.  lofen  thinks 
I  'oi  on  the  highroad  to  it,  as  I  drives  br  the  CuUedge  at  Cbelsfa. 
We  *re  much  'arder  driven  than  any  animal — and  for  lliis  reason  uo 
Hanimal  would  stand  it. 

"Fourteen  hours  a  day,  Sir,  and  sometimes  3  more  upon  the  top 
of  Iha^,  as  I'm  a  Hving — or,  to  speak  correklv,  as  I'm  a  dying,  man. 
No  slave  lias  greikt.er  rii;ht  to  complain  of  thn  horrors  of  the  middle 
passage  tb&u  I  have,  a-going  hackards  and  for'ords,  six  and  eight  times  a 
dur  thro  Chairing  X.  How  I  sits  on  my  box  from  eight  in  the  morning 
iill  ten — aometimes  eleven,  and  not  unfreakentty  twelve  at  night,  I  cant 
tell,  and  this  goes  on  running  for  weaks  and  weaks  together.  What 
slave,  unless  he  'd  been  borne  a  Englishman,  could  endure  it  f  Yet, 
Sir,  the  Publick — that  monster  with  many  1000  heads,  but  not  an 
atom  of  brains — expects  us  always  to  be  as  smiling  and  as  sweet' 
tempered  as  a  pastry-cook's  Miss ;  and  cries  out  loudly,  like  a  man  that 
has  corns  wiih  suaimuu  treading  on  'cm,  if  wo  scumbles  a  bit,  or 
commits  the  smallest  forepaw.  It  little  tuinks  that  we  may  b&ve  been 
up  there  soaking  eight  cousekuUve  hours  in  the  pouring  reins. 

'/Pray,  Sir,  start  this  Early  Driving  AsROcia'ion,  and  I'll  give  yon 
a  lift  whenever  you  wants  one  in  my  way — which  is,  'All  the  way  from 
Putney  to  the  Bank,  for  Sixpence.*  llrcollcct.  Factory  Labour  is 
reatrikted  to  ten  hours.    I  asks  no  more  for  the 

"Poor  Ovzh-vbiyzv  'Buaa-DaivEB," 


TTTE  WOFLB  NEW  BALLAD  OF  JANE  HONEY  AND 
MARY  BROWN. 

An  igstrawnary  tail  I  vill  tell  yer  this  verk— 
I  stood  in  the  Court  of  A'Bkckett  the  Beak, 
Vere  Mm.  Jawr  Roney,  a  vitiow,  I  see. 
Who  charged  Mart  Browtj  with  a  robbin  of  she. 

This  Mart  was  pore  and  in  misery  once, 

And  she  came  to  Mas.  Roxet  it's  more  than  twelve  monce. 

She  adn  t  got  no  bed,  nor  no  dinner  nor  no  t^a. 

And  kind  Mm.  Roney  gave  Mart  all  three. 

Mrs.  Rokbt  kep  Mabt  for  ever  so  many  veeka, 
(Her  conduct  surprized  the  best  of  ad  Beax^) 
She  kep  her  for  nothink,  as  kind  as  could  be. 
Never  ihinkin  that  this  Mart  was  a  traitor  to  she. 

"Mrs,  Rontsy.  0  Mn.^.  Ronet.  I  feel  very  ill; 
Will  you  jest  step  to  the  Doctor's  for  to  fetch  me  i  pill  P  " 
"  That  I  will,  mr  pore  Mary,"  Mrs.  Rokit  says  ihe ; 
And  she  goes  off  to  the  Doctor's  as  quickly  as  may  be. 

No  sooner  on  this  message  Mrs.  RoyEY  was  sped. 
Than  hup  gits  vicked  Makv,  and  jumps  out  a  bed; 
She  hopcns  all  the  trunks  without  never  a  key — 
She  bustes  all  the  boxes,  and  vUh  them  makes  free. 

Mtt5.  R/>met*8  best  linning  gownds,  petticoats,  and  close. 
Her  oliildren's  litile  coata  had  things,  her  l>oot<i,  and  her  hose. 
She  packed  them,  and  she  stole  'cm,  and  avsy  vith  them  did  flee. 
MRa.  Roket's  situation— you  may  think  vaf.  it  vould  bo! 

Of  Ma«t,  ungrateful,  who  had  served  her  this  vay, 
Mrs.  RoNitv  heard  nothink  for  a  long  year  and  a  oay. 
Tilt  last  Thursday,  in  Lambeth,  ven  whom  should  ahc 
But  this  Mart,  aa  had  acted  so  ungrateful  to  she. 

She  was  leaning  on  the  helbo  of  a  worthy  young  man  : 
They  were  going  to  be  married,  and  were  walkin  hand  in  hand; 
And  the  Church  bells  was  a  ringing  for  Mary  and  be. 
And  the  parson  waa  ready,  and  a  woitin  for  his  fee. 

When  np  comes  .Mrs.  Roney,  and  faces  Mart  BRomr, 
Who  trembles,  and  castes  her  eyes  upon  the  ground. 
She  calls  ajidly  pleaseman,  ir.  happens  to  be  me; 
I  charj;e  this  young  woman,  Mr.  Pleaseman,  saya  ihfl. 

Mrs.  Ro>*et.  o,  Mrs.  Ronet,  o,  do  let  me  go, 

I  ac'cd  most  ungrateful  I  own^  and  I  know, 

But  the  marriage  t>ell  is  a  rin^in,  and  the  ring  you  may  see, 

And  this  young  man  is  a-wai  m,  says  Maby,  says  she. 

I  dont  care  three  fardens  for  the  parson  and  dark. 
And  Thn  bell  may  keep  ringia  from  noon  day  to  dark. 
Mart  Brown,  Mart  Brown,  vou  must  come  along  with  me. 
And  I  think  this  young  man  is  lucky  to  bs  free. 

So,  in  spite  of  the  tears  which  bejew'd  Mary's  cheek, 
I  took  that  youug  gurl  to  A'Beckett  the  Beak ; 
That  extent  Justice  demanded  htr  plea — 
But  never  a  suitable  said  Mart  snii  she. 

On  account  of  her  conduck  so  has?  and  so  Tile, 
That  wicked  young  gurl  is  cjmniitied  for  tnle. 
And  if  she's  transpawted  bevond  the  salt  se^. 
It  'a  a  proper  reward  for  such  willians  aa  she. 

Now  you  young  gurls  of  Soulhwark  for  Mast  who  reep. 
From  pickin  and  stealin  your  ands  \ou  must  keep. 
Or  it  may  be  my  dooty,  ai  it  was  Thursday  veek. 
To  pud  you  all  hup  to  A'BeciLaTT  the  Beak. 


■ce 


A  Cathedral  Gift. 


It  has  been  proposed  to  put  railing  round  the  top  of  the  Duke  of 
York's  Pillar.  We  should  not  be  at  all  astonisheU  if  the  Dean  and 
Chapter  of  one  of  our  richest  cathedrals  did  not  seize  this  opportunity 
ol  presenting  the  pillar  in  question  with  a  few  of  the  railinKa  Vhich  at 
present  disfigure  Iho  handsome  edifice  intrusted  to  their  charge, — which 
ctiarge,  by  t  he  bye,  cannot  be  very  great,  for  on  inquiring  at  i  be  door  of 
the  said  Cathedral,  we  were  told,  "  the  charge  was  only  twopence." 


HTnOLTTY. 


Sm  Fetkr  Lattrib  blandly  requesting  the  Omcibos  Conductor  to 
put  him  down." 


210 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAM. 


^miners  trd  Cvstomsof/'  Qngfyshe    (HewiSeriesi      110.6-. 


GRANDE  .  KevVE^A/ 


THE  MISSING  DIPLOMATISTS. 

DrPlOMAtJC  dinncra  have  frequently  an  imporfaDoe  bej'ODd  th« 
quality  of  t*ic  viands  or  tl)&  cookery:  mid  tJie  dinnfrs  giTcn  hy  Her 
MftJBSty'B  Miflislera  in  honour  of  the  QoeeVs  birih-dav,  are  BOmetimci 
full  of  HiKnificanco,  Oa  suoli  an  occasion,  Loan  PALU£BSTON*a  table- 
cloth mfty  mean  ^'more,  mvich  more  than  it  unfolds;"  acd  thoi:fh  we 
n\tLj  not  alwayi  t^ke  a  leaf  on',  of  his  Lordaiiip's  book,  we  may  ham  & 
great,  deal  soDietmies  from  a  U&f  out  of  bis  dinnw-table. 

The  fact  of  the  reprcaentaUveA  of  three  powers  having  beea  absent 
from  the  rccL^iit  bftoquet  of  th^  Forf-ign  SecretHry,  hna  b^en  muoli  com- 
^ected  ufKin^  nmt  some  of  the  Jtnbitual  enemies  of  Loud  PALMKisTON 
declare  thrt^  bia  policy  »iU  evenLuaUy  leave  him  no  one  but  his  Eicellency 
DtfKE  HuMPHJLiiT,  the  represButative  of  Huii|:'ry,  to  dme  with  on 
officii  k1  oceiuioi]  ft. 

We  Jo  not  wondfT  at  the  de«ire  that  has  been  shown  to  establish 
new  di|>lo»iiRh"(j  rela'ioDB,  if  only  for  the  piiriiose  of  Kettinir  up  a 
mwctoble  show  of  nueats  a^  Lord  PiLMEiiETOJi'is  diplomaMc  diE^^■r(l; 
tnd  we  can  eyen  understand  an  atiii.?f7  that  the  Court  of  Pcltin  should 
BETid  A  reurewnUtive^  so  tliat  in  default  of  a  banftuet  on  a  praDd  seje,  a 
chnp  wiib  China  miRlif.  now  and  then  be  relied  upon.  We  nreaiitne 
that  a  band  is  in  aUendanoe  when  rhe  Poreign  Secretary  liaa  the 
diploma  iff  corps  to  dme  with  him;  bn^  if  bis  guests  conimae  to  fall 
away  one  by  one^  some  wag  will  lug^irab  tbat  ihe  melody  of  *' Nobody 


m  the  house  wit-h  Diner,"  should  immediately  be  prat'ised  by  the 
mnsicians  in  aUendance  at  the  dinnefd  of  Loho  PALiiERSTOif.  The 
apreRd  of  disafTrcion  amonff  foreij^Ti  powers,  will  aof  tnos'.  unpkftaantly 
on  his  spread^ ;  and  to  ahow  the  sUtc  of  our  r'^Ia'ioiis  with  other 
powers,  no  official  returns  i*ill  be  more  convincing  than  bis  Lordship'* 
tables.  ' 

Foro^ceins?  the  effect  of  the  Rhietice  of  tbr  EuspUruBflvanan,  and 
Freriffb-ABitijsaadofS  on  the  public  mind,  an  effort  was  ffiade  to  weaken 
tEe  force  of  a  p&fTiOii  of  the  fflCts  by  a  parairautt  planiing  the  meuslea 
ia  the  fanuly  of  the  firgt  of  these  BcootiipU«hcd  uoblemen.  This  might 
do  Tiry  well,  had  the  pflrty  been  a  jiiverdh  one,  but  surely  Lori> 
PALnetiSTOM  ia  old  enongh  to  be  above  all  fear  of  taking  the  mpa"«le8, 
and  it.  ia  very  unlikely  thatr  he  would  be  alarnipd  at  such  sn  jufantinc 
complaint  ■  so  that  there  must  have  bren  somu  oiher  c&.n^e  of  dread^  if 
he  really  W  ftnt  apprchen^on  of  "catcliing  it"  from  Ihe  }tu*Biatt 
Amba'^ador,  We  womler  ihft  Conrt  New>nian  did  no^  t^ll  ua  that  the 
Bdvaian  AntbamadorV  baby  had  pot  thf  wboojiinK  coujrh,-^  slory  that 
might  have  had  sonte  appronch  to  p;obabi!tty,  for  we  au»pec^t  that  some- 
tliing  in  Ihe  shape  of  a  wfioop,  wliioli  niav  ttim  info  a  war  wb'jop,  is  in 
reality  the  mahidy  to  be  apprrlirndeiL  We  ahull  be  toht  nel^  that  Ihe 
repfesentative  of  the  Gallic  Cock  f*as  absenf.  i «  consequence  of  inctpi-nt 
ctiscken  pock,  when^  b  fact,  if  f.here  has  bfien  any  malady  in  the 
case,  it  is  a  sort  of  nettle-rash  which  ha«  broken  out  RniOQg  the 
Auibasaadors  of  thoae  Powers  whom  the  nuhuesa  of  our  Foreigu  polioy 
has  netUeii 


HB  Ir  tbcrp's  anylhiuK  Ibat  fthowB  wbat  a  Phrailue  of  a  place  £nglaxul  is 
^  I  —where  Liberty,  m  tbey  call  it  doesn't  Wear  a  red  cap  tiko  a  butcher, 
I  bat  a  beadle's  cocked  hat  lr£e  a  ircneral — what  a  country  it  is, 
I  Bwimming  in  millc.  and  oi),  and  honey — if  anything  iihowB  it,  it  iau't. 
the  riches  in  the  Bank,  but  (he  guld  upon  liveries;  it  isu'i.  the  Dobie 
houset  of  England — hut  her  tall  footmeo.  Aa  I  said  to  Movsbr  ihe 
other  day,  "  If  you  wish  to  knovr  what  real  indepen deuce  is.  just  t«ke 
up  the  Ttmei,  and  drop  your  eye  upon  *AVant  Places.*  After  runmne 
'em  through,  it  does  seem  to  me  that  thtrre's  no  such  thing  as  a  real 
•errant  to  be  had ;  all  of  'em,  wanting  to  be  hired,  seem  nothing  less 
tban  gentlefolks  that,  for  a  limr,  go  out  1o  serrioc  for  penaoc? ;  just  as, 
in  Popiah  couotries.  itoblemen  are  known  to  wear  sackcloth  umier  their 
fiue  Uueo,  and  ladicK.  instead  oi  pearl-powder,  sprinkle  tbeniselvcs  wi'h 
coal-a^hes"  *' My  iiear,"  sfti>l  Mouseb,  "all  that  is  the  growth— the 
luxuriant  growth,  if  you  will — of  our  free  institutions.  Why  itbouldn't 
Jack  be  as  good  as  his  master?"  "Just  as  you  please."  said  T, 
"  but  I  do  think  it  a  little  too  much  that  Mollt  should  be  better  tbsn 
her  aiistress.  I  will  say  it,  MocaxR — when  1  think  of  the  poor  souls, 
who  vlitcb  away  their  very  hearNAtriogs  in  shirts  and  sbor. bindings  for 
linle  more  than  bread-and-water»ldo  want  patience  when  I  see  footmen 
and  plain  oook^  iu  the  newspapers  turning  tip  their  soses  at  the  fa*^  of 
the  land;  and  pu'ting  thrmselres  upon  cboosing  their  phu)cs  with  as 
4iiucb  ado  us  a  bride  chooses  her  wedding  satin." 

T'lK  fact  is,  we  want  a  man  and  a  maid.  Susakhah — having,  in  a 
motne&r  oi  woman's  wt-akne»s,  r-hown  her  Saving^i"  Hank  book  to  the 
p'iltca:i<an — has  given  us  warning.  1  'tc  told  ber  what  it  will  come  to 
— I  're  wrif.  to  Exrter  Hidl,  to  hrr  uncle,  the  Beadle— but  I  believe 
MuusER  when  h-;  says  the  girl  wtU  go  headlong  to  the  altar.  When  a 
wouian'fl  once  blinded  by  a  cliurch  in  her  eye,  nothing  but  the  churcli 
itself  will  make  her  see  things  as  ttiey  are.  So — I  *ni  torry  for  il ;  for 
the  stoves  will    never    bo  what    they  were  again— but    I  give  up 

SUSAKMAH. 

Well,  for  the  last  week  I  've  sat  ov^r  the  Tim^i  every  morning :  and 
jf  it  doesn't  put  me  into  a  fever  for  the  rest  of  the  day  to  read  the 
inipudenoc  of  people's  "  Wants,"  I  'ui  a  marble  stone,  and  not  a  flesh* 
ana-bloo<l  womau.  Just  think  of  this; — not  that  we  want  a  Boy.  I'd 
aa  soon  have  a  wild  K^bra  in  mp  house. 

BoT,  sge  16,  under  a  Butler.      A  good  chuaeler.      No  objection  to  the 
tntmtnf.    I>lKet  to , 

Now,  1  want  to  kaow,  if  there  etmld  be  more  brass  in  this  Boy's 
buttons — stick  'rm  on  hiai  a^  tbirk  as  you  will — than  there's  brass  in 
th  se  few  sjHttbles?  11  t*- 'a  A  Boy  bcniumiig  life  in  ih'  pantry  to  end 
in  (wtn  y  stone,  aa  Morstu  say*,  as  landlord  of  the  Duck,  or  Flying 
l^lephiuil — hero's  a  chAp  in  traiaoig  lor  a  sMmsch  and  a  red  nose  to 
match — both  of  'cm  to  l)C  manuljtoiured  out  of  the  fattest  and  the  best 
—and  he's  "no  objeo'ion"  to  begin  to  make  'em  in  the  country. 
Ilc'li  gise  up  llrjErot  Street — he'll  turn  hts  back  upon  Pall  Mull- he 
won't  do  more  than  think  of  Piccaddly  ;  and  with  this  alamung 
lacriOce  of  his  feelmzs — age  16— he  his  "  no  objection"  to  go  among  the 
lilac*,  and  lie  on  bis  buck  in  clover-G-lds  ad  hayo  cks!  Talk  of 
Hagged  Schools  for  wretched,  houseless  little  boys,  m  dirl  and  tatter?, 
I  should  only  like  to  tee  a  Proud  Flesh  School  for  young  tigers  in 
broadcloth  and  metal  bn'tons.  It  would  be  a  nic2  study,  as  I  saiJ  to 
Mouseb,  to  wa'ch  tids  Boy  thr'Uxh  five  meals  a  day  for  twmty  years, 
and  see  what  awlmhw  he 'it  b^  at  ihecnd.  "NoobjecUjn  lo  the 
ei^untry  !  "  Well,  I'm  sure;  and  to  think  of  the  thousands  of  little 
wre'cncs  who  are  mt.d'.'  to  have  "  no  objection  "  to  the  gutter  I 

Wo  don't  want  a  Valet— Mousbh  puts  on  his  own  boots.  Bu^  the 
man  we  want  mua'-  be  uird  to  huises.     Well,  my  eye  fell  upm  this: — 

AS  Gkoom,  or  Groom  and  Talet,  «  lingle  man,  ag*  S6,  wbo  uDdctstands  Um 
fflausgvnwat  of  linnlcn  mtl.    Would  drtvo  afoir  ooawtoMlty. 

As  yet,  we  haven't  come  up  to  a  pair — but  we  have  &  p(^e,  and 
can  do  it  when  society  caUs  for  w  Now,  what  a  pucker  a  house  would 
be  in  with  Euch  a  groom  !  1  should  like  to  know  what  be  'd  thW—occa- 
tionaliif?  U  jing  to  the  Bank  on  Dividend  Days— or  once  to  Epsom — 
or  to  two  Flower  Shows — or  three  May  Meetings?  To  be  sure,  be 
doesn't  object — at  least  he  doesn't  sav  so — to  gj  out  at  any  time  with 
ont  horse;  it's  the  couple  he  bozgles  at.  I  suppose  it's  the  two 
horses  that  make  the  wear  aiid  tear  of  a  groom's  mind,  and  to  be  paid 
for  accordingly,  S  ill,  to  have  an  "Occasionally"  sleepiagin  the  at  tic, 
and  feeding  in  the  ki'chen.  is,  as  I  tell  Mouseb,  a  responslDiiity  I  CAu't 
put  UP  with.  "  Occa*ionalh  I"  Well,  arn't  the  'bus  men  to  be  pitied, 
who,  let  it  shine  or  rain,  mmtt  drive  a  pair  contitioally  ? 

But  here  's  something  that  'a  humble,  and  makes  amenda  for  otberi' 
impuderoe : — 

AS  CoACniiAjir  ■  steady,  tobor,  uoglc  man,  sg«  M,     SU ycais'  ffoed  cbaiacter. 
Ko  obJ«ctU)B  to  drt  va  a  bmuvbuD* 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


All 


A     BIT     OF     MY     MIND. 


BIT  THE  SIXTH. 

KBft.  MOUSBB  COKeUtTfl  THB   "TIUBS" 


rOB  A  BIBYAVT. 


A 


""Poor  fellow  I"  wid  Movna;  "no  donbt  of  it,  he's  never  befor« 
driven  Irss  than  aix-in-hand,  and  now,  humility,  or  trouble,  or  philosophy, 
or  a  proper  view  of  thr>  world's  vanities  has  ta'ight  thl*  ooichM>an  to 
have — ■  no  objec'ion  *  to  drive  a  brougham."  "  1  suppose,"  aaij  L  "  we 
shall  UFxt  have  chatnberiiiaids  with  *  no  objrclioD '  to  niake  a  b^d !  " 

I  thought  we'u  lighted  upon  the  very  thing  below,  but  as  I  went 
reading  on,  I  was  stopped  dead — tor  we  do  have  our  share  ot  coii>pany. 

AS  CoACUMiir  and  OaooM,  a  rtapectabic,    steady,  sober  maUfSge  26,     No 
obJMkloa  in  vail  at  table  Mo>uiM«aUy. 

"Only  BupMse,"  said  I  lo  MocaBii,  "that  the  nooKBLOW^u  ud 
Macaws,  adU  Uaijfaxes  wrre  wi  h  us  tiirce  Sundays  running— aa  it 
Joe$  hsppeu — and  when  we  're  expec'ing  the  man  at  (he  table,  were  to 
b^  tola  he  ihouidnU  wait,  for  he  didn't  think  three  Sundays  'occa- 
sionally I ' "  "The  only  way,  my  dear,"  said  MotJSSB,  "  (o  make  lura 
of  a1  tendance  would  be  first  to  send  for  the  Oihd,  and  observi  vtry 
politely,  *  My  good  mail,  will  you  gife  us  your  defiaition  of  occasional 
company  P  Does  it  apply  to  t*o  or  three  days  in  the  week,  or  merely 
to  Chriilmaa,  Kaster,  iamilf  hirth-d»ys,  wih  \wxt>  and  there  Hie 
marrtaee  of  a  son  and  dau?h'fr?' "  "  Duu't  Uugb,  Mouseh,"  said  L 
"for  I've  no  laticoce  wiih  it.  No  objection  to  *m\  ocoA*4>on.>Uy  at 
table, -with  the  thousands  and  thousands  of  poor  souls,  tailors,  »hoe- 
makers  and  what  do',  wbo  ha^e  no  table  whatever  to  wau  upon  !" 

Wo  don't  ketpacow,  but  if  we  did,  she  might  be  mUked  by  tbe 
young  U'au  uudernea'.h: — 

AS  OiKMinta,  a  yonog  man,  who  undentandi  tbe  kitchen  and  flower  (irdsn. 
So  oi^/eelkm  lo  look  after  a  cnv. 

"Would  be  rea'ly  have  'no  objection'  lo  his  bread  well-bu'teredf " 
said  I  to  MoU5E»  *'  He  might,  my  drar,"  said  MoustB.  "Prrha|» 
the  young  man  wou'd  prefer  oranKe  niar    alade  or  U'Ktilitnd  honey." 

U  hen  I  came  to  n  hai  'a  b:  low,  I  flung  the  p^per  doWD.  for  I 
wouldn't  liust  n.y  lemp~r  auy  further. 

AS  pLAtx  Cooa,  in  a  unall  &mily,  a  rcapocfcable  pefaon,  a^e  30.     No  objao 
tiOU  to*  Ipaditwu'j /aaiWy . 

"Whatdovoucalltha*.  Mouseb?"  (aid  1.  "Wby.  I  call  that  the 
democracy  of  kiichen  stuff.  When  wc  consider  whs*  a  very  dirty 
thing  trade  is— what  a  dreadful  degrading  sixht  is  the  L'^odon  Dooks 
— what  miserable  creatures  are  the  bankers  and  ukcrchauls  of  Ixi  don 
—what  a  hovel  is  the  Coal  Exchange— and  what  a  nasty  sh. w  the 
Thames  Pool  with  its  thousand  nasts— I  do  ihink  that  the  Plain 
Cook  preaches,  from  ths  bar*,  a  Terv  flue  lesson  ol  humility  to  Ihe 
nobility,  clergy,  and  gentry  of  tbe  land.  Who,  after  this,  should 
turn  up  his  nose  at  commerce— wbo  should  refuse  to  take  pot-luck 
even  in  a  bsck-parlour,  when  a  Plain  Cook,  aged  30,  has  '  no  ohj  ctioa' 
to  rout  a  sirloin  and  make  a  dumpling  for  a  tradesman's  lamdy  ? " 
**  Take  the  paper,  MouaEH;  I  won't  lo  k  at  another  line." 
"Stop,"  said  MouSKtt,  "here's  something  tha'.  comes  very  beaati- 
fulN  after  Pooiboys,  and  Groom-,  ami  Gar.irncrf,  and  Plain  Cooka, 
with  '  no  objections.'  Hear  this."  And  Moi;sEBread:  — 
Y17ANTKI>,  a  Djily  Tbicuer,  thoroughly  experienced  In  tbe  Pesttlozfiaa 
VV  cv-.tam.  to  devota  three  or  fuur  Iwun  daily  to  a  iftti*  boy,  a«od  foor  ysara,  UvlDg 
nmr  Rr>»uaUma  Square  As  only  EnsUah  b  nwiulrtd,  and  tba  anganmaut  wilt  eoo- 
Uqii«  for  ream,  mora  than  ivo  golneai  a  quariM*  caaMt  bn  (ivao.  Addraai,  to  P.  D,, 
ai Mr. Kenoadya,  bookarilar  and  sUtkaer,  % IJpper  Btriwluy  fitrsos,  rortaaaBiiaam. 

"  Two  guineas  a  quarter ! "  said  I.  .       ,      .  . 

"  Two  guinea?,"  said  Muxjskb,  bi'ing  hu  lip%  and  a  cloud  growing 
about  his  forehead.  "Two  guineas  for  four  hours  a  d»y :  this  ma};es 
eight  guineas  a  year.  So,  U  the  Daily  Teacher,  eiprieocad  iu  tl« 
Pcs*a!nz2ian  syslem,  is  lucky  enough  to  get  three  such  little  boys  as  tho 
bov  of  P.  1).,— he,  the  philosopher  and  leacher,  will,  for  twelvr  boura 
d«i!y  teAchinf.  amass  the  sum  of  twcn'y-four  guineas  per  annum." 

"Twenty-four  guinfa«  a  yesr  for  twelve  hours  a  day  I  And  on  the 
Pestalouian  system  !    Why,  Mouseb,"  »atd  I,  "  what  system's  Ihatf" 

"  Why,  my  dear,"  said  MotJSKH,  "according  to  P.  D,  it  nnst  be  a 
BTntem  upon  which  the  exprrifuced  tcochcr— just  as  Ih^  co^climan  bat 
'uoobi-ciion'  to  a  hrouKham— the  butler's  boy  '  no  objec  ion' to  the 
counfry— and  the  gardeucr  *no  objec'ion'  to  a  cow— a  system  upon 
which  ihe  sohoolmasler  has  'no  objeoion  '  to  perisli." 

Who  'd  tbink  that  bul  let's  boys  and  coachmen  were  so  partiouUr,  and 
the  8choolnus'>«r  made  so  cheap  ?  . 

Yours,  Jir.  Pwich,  to  continue, 

TU  IIOHtpiMckUt,  AXCLU  Moubek. 


A  Fearful  PaaSi 

The  billa  (kf  tha  Coiwuum  advertise  lb©  "  Pearrul  Pass  of  the  Tdh 
Noirt,  with  its  Awful  Cataract,"  *c.  &c.  We  wonder  if  this  alludes  fo 
tiic  croasing  leading  from  Chca^side  into  St.  Paul's  Churoliyard,  winch 
is  defended  by  a  Lascar,  for  tha'-  is  tbe  mcB».  "fearful  pass  of  a  jfWo 
Xoire  "  that  a  lady  can  have  to  go  through.  He  levies  bUck  mad  m 
the  most  barefaced  manner,  and  if  Iribule  is  not  instantly  paid  to  his 
impudence,  then  there  comcs  down  such  au  "  awful  ca  arac^ '  of  amisf, 
thai  we  pity  the  i^or  head  it  fall*  upon.  B>  the  byr,  he  w^nl .  uiuke 
an  invaluable  doorkeeper  for  St.  Paul's  Cathedral.  He  II  just  the  bold 
man  lo  collect  the  twopencca  t 


t"X<i.<ft^ 


MR.  BRIGGS  PTO8  HIS  HOKSE  IN  HARNESS,   AND    DRIVES   A  FEW  FRIENDS  QITIETLT  DOWN 

TO  THE  DERBY. 


N 


INTERESTING  ORIGIN  OF  "THE  FUN  OF  THE  FAIR." 

Eveut  one  knows  that  "The  Fun  of  I  he  Fair"  is  a  little  instrument 
Disde  of  wood,  which,  being  rubbed  up  and  down  a  p^non'a  coaf,  some 
hundred  times  in  the  course  of  the  day,  is  admifably  suia^ted  for  tearing 
it.  This  "Fun  of  the  Fair"  is  paid  to  have  been  the  invpntion  of  an 
adverli'infiftftilor,  who,  (indiTiphunin'Ps  rather  slack, and  that  gentlemen's 
coftls,  no^wi^hstandi^g  the  bad  cloth,  and  the  poor  workmanship,  and 
ercry  other  adtantage  whicii  the  cheap,  BUrving  system  could  po3f>ibl) 
%ive  them,  did  not  go  off  half  quick  enough,  hit  upon  the  ingenious  idea 
of  the  above  instrun\enl  for  tearing  thetn  ofT.  His  ingenuity  was 
quickly  rewarded,  for  he  amassed  a  considerable  'ortune  in  a  very  short 
space  of  time,  and  died  "universally  respected."  His  sgcnts  usfd  lo 
tell  the  "Fun  of  *he  Fair"  with  one  hand,  and  distribute  nis  haudb^l!s 
with  the  oLher.  The  ga^ne  has  been  kept  alive  ever  since,  for  it  has 
been  found  by  the  cheap  t-ailors  such  a  profitable  combination  of  pleasure 
and  business,  that  Moses  has  been  heard  to  say  that  "If  Greenwich 
Far  only  came  once  a  wetk,  be  should  be  able  in  time  to  sell  coats  for 
nothing." 


PRK5ENTS  FOR  THE  PASHA. 


A  RUAU.  domPBtio  menagerie— a  sort  of  Happy  Family  on  an 
exteuded  scide— baa  been  sent  out  by  the  Indtu  to  Alexandria,  as  a 
present  for  the  Pasha.  The  collection  comprised  fonr  swans  and  live 
dogs,  a  barn-door  capon,  and  a  prize  ox,  whose  history,  consutiug  of  a 
eock  and  bull  story,  baa  been  given  by  some  of  the  newspapers.  Water 
being  the  proper  element  of  the  swans,  we  suppose  they  will  be 
attaoned,  with  ropes  round  their  necks,  to  thu  stern  of  the  ship,  for 
they  will  never  get  on  at  all  if  ihey  do  not  get  on  swimmingly. 

Among  the  canine  specimens  are  a  couple  of  bulioogs,  with  counte- 
unoea  so  ugly,  that  they  are  said  to  have  territied  all  beholders,  many  of 
whom  quitied  the  bark  at  the  first  growl  of  the  unsightly  animals. 
We  hope  the  Pasha  will  not  think  it  necetsary  to  serd  over  here  a  collec- 
tion of  brutes  in  exchange;  for  our  ZooIoGcicalGardtDS  are  getting  ra'bcr 
overstocked,  and  ifae  preaents  forwarded  consist  generally  of  such 
lavage  monsters,  that  we  almost  feci  ounelrei  tunung  into  suidwiches 
while  they  look  at  at. 


PROTECTION  FOR  MR.  MERUYMAN. 

To  our  laborious  punsters  of  the  humbler  class,  whose  overtaxfid  in- 
vention linds  production  datl^  more  and  more  difficult,  even  (he  Traitor 
of  Tamwortb  must  feel  iu  his  secret  heart  t,hat  some  protection  must 
bo  sflbrdcd,  if  iheyarc  to  compete  with  the  foreign  joker — for  such  a 
joker  is  every  facetious  gentleman  whose  jokes  are  alien  from  his  sub- 
ject and  employment.  The  industrious  Clown  in  Mr.  Batty's  Ring  is 
nut  to  be  abandoned  to  rivalry  with  advocates  in  the  Bankruptcy  Court. 
The  Timfs  of  May  21  publistied  no  less  than  three  jokrs  of  the  most 
killing  nature  which  had  been  made  at  that  tribunal  the  day  before.  By 
this  time,  perhaps,  they  may  be  considered  to  have  become  rather 
stale;  therefore  we  nre  not  afraid  of  injuring  Mb,  Mebrtmui 
additionally  by  transcribing  ihem.  Mb.  Cooke,  who  appeared  on 
behalf  of  poor  Mr.  Delapikij),  observed,  that 

"Tbo  butknipt'iSQlIcitorcaioptalnnl  tli&t  the  otber  nolidtor  had  Ctlled  him  a  3I» 
Pin.  (X  lamgh) 
"Ua.  Lawkaitci.  Then  It  was  not  witr  to  tbe  knlfv.but  var  totbepllc«r  (LnfiUtr^ 
**  Ha.  Cooks  fnand  the  poorcllenl  wmm  tho  gndgvca.  {Ortat  LaugJUtr^" 

As  long  M  a  profligate  Whig  Cabinet  and  an  unprincipled  House  of 
CommoDS  permit  the  system  of  free  admission  to  Courts  of  Justioe, 
and  especially  to  the  Bankruptcy  Court,  to  continue,  it  is  utterly  un- 
possible  I  hat  the  British  Circus  should  maintain  a  competition  with 
those  lively  institutions. 


A  Joke's  a  Joke  for  a*  That 

It  is  all  very  well  to  say  a  joke 's  a  joke,  but  the  publio  would  find 
a  joke  to  be  no  joke,  ir,  like  ourselves,  they  received  at  least  one 
hundred  copies  of  the  same  joke  by  every  delivery  from  the  po«t> 
office.  We  have  lately  been  inundated  with  the  old  jokes  about 
Greece  and  Grease  to  such  a  fearful  extent^  that  we  have  seriouB 
thoughts  of  applying  for  an  Act  of  Parliament  to  place  jokea 
about  Greece  among  the  deleterious  substances  that  it  is  UDlMwfol 
to  transmit  through  the  post-offioe.  The  chief  objection  to  the  meuuro 
would  be,  that  the  Bill  must  set  out  the  joke  itself,  and  Parliament 
would  never  consent  to  read  a  second  and  third  time  ttiat  with  whieh 
we  have  been  already  nauseated. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARrVARl 


213 


PUNCH'S  NOTES  AND  QUEBTES  TOR  THE  DERBY. 

pKiTfy.  How  mimy  Poilboys  will  come  home  sober  ? 
J^ote.  It  ifl   ft  sioiniUr  IhinR— and  whether  it  is    the  hett  of  the 
weather,  or  the  duBt  of  the  roaJ,  or  the  abundance, or  the  cheapness,  or 
the  potency  of  Uie  driukp,  or  the  weakness  of  the  poit-bo^sh  mtellect, 
wecannol  precisely  detrrniinc— but  we  neyer  recollect  eeeiDfca  post-boy 
on  hi«  return  honie,  whose  leRS  did  not  manifest  the  stronRest  inclination 
to  1  wirl  themarlves  round  the  horse's  belly ;  and  generally  the  older  the 
postboy  the  sironRcr  did  this  iDclinalion  manifest  ileelf. 
Q^ry.  How  many  will  n  Derby  carriage  boldf 
Note,  li  all  depends  whether  it  is  going  or  coming  hack.    If  going, 
the  uiual  number  is  four  inside  and  two  ou^-,  wi^h  the  servant.    It 

eotning  back,  every  avail- 
able spaco  (as  the  re- 
potters  sa^)  is  occupied. 
The  hea'^,  as  it  is  thrown 
back  on  each  aide,  is 
filled  up  by  friends^  who 
"  cannot,  for  the  life  of 
them,  find  their  drag," 
—that  is  to  say,  have 
come  down  by  the  rail- 
way, aud  have  no  wisli 
in  return  by  it— and  the 
pit  of  the  carriage  is 
crammed  to  that  extent, 
that,  to  use  the  theatri- 
cal term,  there  is  "not 
even  staxiding  room."  It 
is  well  known  that  a  Drrhy  carriage  has  all  the  clastic  properties  of 
a  carpet-bag,  and  will  lake  in  any  number;  hut  still,  to  be  respectable, 
no  unlicensed  vehicle  should  carry  more  than  a  horse-killer  or  an 
omnibus. 

Qire/y.  Is  a  wliite  hat  the  thing  to  go  to  the  Derby  in  P 
Ab/«.  As  we  never  could  understand  what  *'lhe  tiling*'  was,  we 
must  hold  this  query  over  for  future  arbitration. 

Qfc/y.  Is  it  juitifiable  to  put  a  turnpike-man  oat  of  temper  P 
Ao/c.  As  a  turnpike  man  never  is  out  of  temper  on  the  Derby  Day. 
it  would  be  the  height  of  absurdity  making  any  note  on  such  a  pre- 
posterous Query  as  the  above. 
QMery.  AVhat  is  Ciiff/.-* 

Note.  A  kind  of  dry  stnfTyoa  pick  np  in  great  quantities  along  the 
road,  n>ix''d  here  and  there  with  a  few  grains  of  wit. 

Qitrry.  Does  it  hurt?  and  was  it  ever  known  to  kill  any  oneP 
AVz/tf.  It  8ling%and  his  rather  hard,  but  a  person  mutt  be  soft 
indred.  for  it  to  make  any  impression  upon  him.  It  is  only  another 
kind  of  dust  flying  about,  but  more  easily  UiJ.  A  glass  of  Sherry  will 
lay  the  Chaff  directly.  We  never  heard  of  an  instance  of  is  terminating 
in  the  deatii  of  an  individual. 

Query.  If  a  ftentleman  is  absent  from  home  on  the  Derby  Day,  is  iL 
fair  '0  suppose  that  he  has  gone  to  the  Races  P 

Nofe.  We  think  it  most  unfair  to  jump  lo  any  iiicb  conclusion.  We 
know  an  instance  of  a  gentleman,  whose  wife's  relaiions  are  all  Quakers, 
who  left  home  early  oa  that  same  morning,  ordering  dinner  precisely  at 
a  quarter  to  six.  By  some  accident  be  did  not  reach  home  (ill  ten 
o'clock  at  niglit,  and,  because  his  clothes  were  a  liHle  dusty,  he  was 
instantly  accused  of  having  been  to  the  Derby.  Yet  his  sl-atement 
WtfS  perfectly  clear.  "  He  had  been  to  the  Docks  with  a  friend  who 
warned  his  opinion  upon  some  Port  he  had  been  offered  a  bargain," 
and  he  repeated  this  with  all  the  gravity  of  an  innocent  man. 
But  his  protestations  were  ridiculed,  laughed  at,  and  indignanity  pooh- 
noohed :  and  his  wife,  to  this  present  hour,  believes  lie  icas  at  the 
Derby — and  nothing  will  convince  her  to  the  contrary  !  Wc  know  many 
euch  instances,  all  proving  the  female  liabiiily  to  false  conclusions, 
but  we  think  one  is  enougii. 


-•^Sfe- 


A  MarrcB  or  CoNTCitrr.— Contempt  is  produced  at  first  si^ht  ai 
often  as  Love — and  really,  aa  times  go,  it  is  a  question  if  it  is  not 
produced  much  oftener. 


THE  PERRAND  RAM. 

As  I  was  riding  through  Yorkehire  upon  a  Yorkshire  grey, 

I  met  the  tineai  ram,  Sir,  that  ever  eat  turnips  and  bay ; 

The  horns  on  bit  head  that  grew,  Sir,  were  as  big  aa  good-aited  trees^ 

And  Kis  eyes,  I  declare  to  you.  Sir,  as  large  as  a  Cheshire  cheese  ! 

Aa  large  (Ckonu.    Eh  P)— as  large  (Oterwf.    No!)— I  aay  aa  Urgs 
{Chcrus.    Now.  do  you,  really  ?)-  ay,  as  Urge  aa  a  Cheshire  checae  ! 
Upon  my  life  'lis  tru*-.  and  wba*.  Ml  you  lay  it '»  a  **  sell  P  " 
If  you  '11  ask  of  Ma,  Febjuitd,  he  'U  tell  you  ao  as  well. 

His  head  from  ear  to  ear.  Sir,  was  more  than  ten  fort  wide  ; 

His  mouth,  lo  S4y  the  least,  Sir,  was  eight  from  side  to  side ; 

The  teeth  with  which  he  a'e,  Sr,  were  t^ior  as  flag-stones  quite, 

And  the  legs  that  ntaintainrd  his  weight.  Sir,  a  ilcsrn  yaras  in  height! 

A  dorcn  yarda  <Cton».    What,  twelve  yards  Pj — yes,  full  twelve  vards 
{Chonu,  Come,  that 's  too  much !)— by  Jovb,  twelve  yards  in  heigti  ] 
Upon  my  life,  &c. 

He  measured  five  score  feet.  Sir.  to  stem  from  tip  of  anout ; 
Thrice  that — I  seom  deceit..  Sir— this  ram  was  round  about* 
The  tail  at  his  dorsal  end.  Sir — (it  had  been  allowed  to  grow), 
Did  in  length  as  far  extend.  Sir,  as  Ma.  Fe&eahd's  bow  ! 

As  FERiu.vr>'s  bow  {Cftonut.  Oh!  Oh!  You  don't  mean  that?) — ye« 
{ChoruA.  Siiifl*!}— as  FfcaB&KD'H  longbow  (Cltww.  Absurd — ridiouloui!) 
— yes, 'twas  long  as  FEftaaHD'p  bow! 
Upon  roy  life,  &c. 

The  mutton  upon  his  haunches  would  feed  twelve  thousand  men, 
His  shoulders  serve  the  paunches  to  fill  of  thousands  ten, 
And  the  ll*ecc  on  his  back — my  eye.  Sir! — (the  Cotton  Lords  must  fall 
Would  Fkkiukd's  Lea5,ae  supply,  Sir,  with  wool  to  clothe  us  all ! 

Yes,  would  FziuiiLNip'fl  League  {Choria.  Gammon !) — would  Fba> 
lUMD'a  League  (C4orM.  Walker!  Boshl  Humbug!  We  can't  awallow 
that  at  any  rate  !)~woiUd  Ff&RaxD's  League  supply,  Sir,  with  wool  to 
clothe  us  all ! 

Upon  my  life,  &c. 


EXTRAORDINARY  NOVELTY  IN  RACING  FORTRAITURB. 

Next  week,  we  shall  be  too  faappy  to  publish — 

THE  PORTRAIT  OF  THE  WIXNEi ; 

Qr«  the  portrait  of  tlie  young  Lady,  who  has  won  the  greatest  onmber 
of  pairs  of  gloves  upon  the  result  of  the  Derby.  Name,  pedigree,  height, 
ana  the  colour  of  the  Winner's  eyes,  will  be  given  at  full  length — ana 
the  age,  also,  if  possible. 

N.B.  Early  orrlers  are  requested,  as  an  extraordinary  demand  it 
expected. 


.*  Ask  for  "Pdscb's"   Pobtjuit  of  the  WiwKEa. 


DRAMATIC  DICTIONARY. 

Tmt  phraseology  of  the  play-bills  is  so  calculated  to  mislead  the  tin« 
icil-iateu  that  leveral  persona  have  actually  been  known  to  t^e  the 
managerial  announcements  in  a  lifer&l  sense,  and  nmrh  inconvenience 
has  arisen.  To  guard  agitinst  such  n  dilemma  for  tbe  future,  we  would 
strongly  advi-e  the  puhlica'ion  of  a  Dictionary  as  a  guide  to  plsy-goera, 
and  ttin  following  may  serve  as  a  specimen. 

PosiTiTT.LT  ON  MoSDAT.— Possibly  On  Wednesday. 

Oklt  WrrnoRAWw  for  tub  Pboddctiom  of  NovEtTT. — ^Utteriy 
and  hopelessly  iinaMracMve. 

Hemtition-  Imperative  om  the  MiKAOiVEST.— Nothing  ready  by 
WET  of  suhiti  lltc. 

Mo&B  NovELTr.— Iheold  style  of  thing. 


THERE   15   A   TIDE  TN  THE  AFFAIRS  OF   DIBECTORB. 

Ors  latest  deepatcbes  from  America  announce  the  enormou  ritaof 
'he  Hudson  on  the  oiher  side  of  tbe  Atlan'ic.  The  querist  may  weJl 
ask  whether  this  enormous  rise  of  the  Hudson  abroad  may  not  be 
aeoounted  for  by  the  enormous  fall  of  tbe  HimsoN  at  home  P 


314 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  GHARrVARI. 


PUNCH    AMONG    THE    PICTURES. 


FLIGHT  THE  SECOND. 
Of  Poriraiitt  or  Mb.  Josbs  (*  and  out  ifth*  Erkii/iti'om, 

(^EBJSTOpHEK  Joj4£S  is  a  highly  re*pec!able  a'lci 
perfecMy  comnion-place  man.  H«  ?i+*,  ha,' 
bini&Uj,  in  &  square,  emig  rcotc,  ni>b  a  Br^issels 
carpet,  mahoitany  furniture  oblong  winiinvs, 
with  thp  nonsil  BaBheB^  and  a  prospect  (Mr. 
Jones  lire*  in  London)  of  fc  oomifnon*place  tow 
of  lion^f*  oDpoaite  his  own,  or,  it  miij'  be,  if 
Mjl  Jo?rEa  be  sft  fortunate,  r,  glimpse  fif  the 
^ecn  in  a  Qmiart  ^rdfu.  When  Mb.  Jones 
sits  &t  a  tablp,  be  genecatly  pnts  bin  legs 
under  it, 

Buh  Mfi  .Tones  cornea  to  hare  his  porlrajt 
painted,     H^-w  it  waa  brought  ahoMi  i*  no 
piaUer.     Mbs,  JowBa  wiahtd  it,  and  her  friend 
Mbs,  Bmits  had  iniiated  on  Smith  haviag  hia  portrait  pwnted,  hy  tite& 
a  olever  man,  and  sq  chtap !  ..  .  i       ,    .  . 

Miu  Jones's  poiftrail  is  in  tlie  EiJiibttion.  Beinff  a  ruli-Ienstthp  it  is 
WftH  hiui?.  It  repreieuU  Mr.  Jones  hi  hia  best  suit,  witli  a  Tery  stiff 
wbitfl  neckerchie\  which  Mk.  Jones  never  wears,  except  when  he 
cannot  avoid  it,  as  at  funeral*,  for  it  makes  hi^i  feel  what  he  calls 
"choky/'  and  he  is  plethoric  of  hahil.  The  indivijual  thus  dress^'d  is 
Mated  in  a  spacioua  ftpartmentj  oup,  indeed,  of  p^aLial  dimenBioTis. 
The  furaitupe  consists  of  a  tnasaiye  pUlar,  and  a  hpsvy  red  or  pre^n 
curUta^  partly  awaihed  round,  partly  falling  gracefully  from  Ihe  shaft, 
toother  with  a  rerj  massive  red  morocco  or  crinisoa  velvet  chair,  and 
the  corner  of  a  table,  on  which  stands  th«  R^^^i^^  inka-and  ptf-senM 
to  Mr.  Jones  by  th«  Unrea  Glun  ol  BenevoLent  Brothers  (of  which 
Ma.  Jones  has  been  twcaty  years  secretary). 

The  apartmeiit  rectiivfc*  air  from  a  square  aperlurp*  without  a  aanh* 
through  which  is  scea  a  wM  and  darinff  lands  cape,  wifh  the  i^rev  iriink 
of  a  tree,  a  lick  of  brown  bills,  and  a  spTash  of  blue  sky.  PJii.  Jqmes  ih 
seated  in  the  inspoaing  a'titudfl  usually  aaaiiniedhy  heavy  fathers  and 
iiatelj  noblemen  in  lejri'imate  comedies,  with  his  legB  noi  under  the 
tablr,  and  very  elaborately  blacki-d  boots, 
The  reatuTCsarfl  ibe  feature?  of  Me.  Jones.    There  is  his  common- 

Elace  foreticad— dit'o  cy*« — dlt'o  dosb  and  dirlo  mouth.  This  Tiiijcht. 
a  bfiTtef  painfed.  There  is  no  ocet-i'>ii  for  a  Sight  from  the  top 
tbrowbi  a  s'ron*(  shadow'  under  Jn-^Es's  honest  nosp,  and  evpn  ofauc'i 
Usfttt  as  there  is,  tbe  rff^ci  iiiiglit  be  more  houestly  and  aucci'S-^Utliy 
given*  However,  let  that  pau.  The  face  is  an  averago  portraiture,  let 
lis  suppose. 

Buf  for  the  rest  of  the  pfoture!  "What  is  a  portrait  P  The  r-^pre- 
M&tatiouora  man,  you  will  say, — but  that  DteaTin  the  represen'a  ion 
not  of  a  man's  hchd.  eren  if  you  succeed  \n  that,  for  that  i^  only  pn-t.  of 
a  man — and  a  dagucrr*'oi''pe  c<iii  aiive  it  you  bi"ier  ttian  a  Reubrandt. 
Bu'  let  ui  stop  hcre^  1^  JoNES'a  porfraii^  be  tht*  repreaertTatiou  cif 
Joke*,  this  is  i  ot  Jones's  portrait — ^for  r^anons^  Jones  nt* ver  sat  in 
atrch  a  room;  Jqnes  neviT  sat.  in  such  an  at.htuie;  JoNts  wnuj.i 
be  moat  wretch«4  under  the  cisrcumstaDOes  in  wbich  he  ia  h^re  paiiited. 

But  Tve  must  further  remind  you  that  apart  rait  ahouldboa  picture 
as  well  asarepr-st-ntationof  a  man.  It  is  a  repceaentation  of  a  ujan 
RK^ciing  10  rtdea  of  art. 

Now  IcoJl  round  ihe  Eitiihiljon,  and  do  not  woKder  tM  portrait- 
painting  as  practised  is  out  fid^red  a  low  bfanch  oj  an  I  But  abould  ir 
be  80?  A  low  branch  of  arL?  Thiit  branch,  which, if  mist-rvd,  c-m- 
pre'^ends  the  aettinf?  out  on  c&nvas  of  the  persotiality  of  an  incliTtdual 
mao — even  though  it  b  ■  a  Jones,  and  cocnmon^place  eicepdinftty. 

Eejcbe^ndt  painted  the  JoNKSBAof  hi- ddy ;  and  a  Dutch  Jones 
wa3,  in  Dine  ca^es  out  of  trn,  uo  b.^tter  for  tht^  pitiuter'a  purposes  than 
an  Kngii^h  onn.  RjiFHAEL  and  Gjoaeioj^E  painted  Roman  and 
Tcno^iaa  Joneses,  True,  hpy  h^d  nubSer  njat^er  then  to  work  upon. 
Bat  wha\  alter  all,  is  the  difference  between  tbrir  work  and  yours? 

Tbejf  painted  livinK  hyuiaii  beads  with  characters  and  iudividuHJitica 
in  them.  One  doesn't  think  of  the  rie  and  the  boots,  and  the  curtain, 
and  the  inksiand,  and  the  chair,  in  lookitific  at  1b«ir  ^lictures. 

And  |et  all  tbe»«  truthfully  and  ledingly  dealt  with,  might  hz  maje 
to  help  out  to  coinpletiou  the  nniion  of  a  Jones.  EvorythiuK  about 
every  Jones^  in  hi^  ordiuary  life^  has  Kot  an  iiiipreas  of  bi[[ieelf  upon  it. 
Ca'cb  biLu  over  his  ledger  j  catch  him  at  the  annual  rejoicing  of  the 
"B-nerolent  BrotbtTs;'*  ea^ch  him  in  bis  owa  parlour,  among  bis 
obildreHj  or  realinn^  the  Times ;  catch  him  where  you  will  and  wbcu 
you  will — out  nf  jTOtfr  paintinK-room — and  yoa  have  the  rftTir  material  of 
*  picture^ — full  of  character,  of  some  kind  cu  oiber,  with  aceetaoKea— 
JuBt  as  disposable  and  paiu  able,  if  you  have  Uin  eve  and  heart  to  see 
■md  feel  it^  as  four  stock,  pillar,  and  currain^  and  table  and  cbair. 

Now,  mtgbt  not  portrait-painiin^f  ^omaliow,  contrive  to  get  out  of 
this  region  of  fals^bood^  into  *He  rrgion  of  truth— in  other  words,  out 
of  jour  painiiog-rooQi  inio  Jones's  parlour  F  Could  you  notconirive 
to  giTo  us  the  manf^for  trery  Joite^  h  a  man,  and,  as  such^  has  a  face 


of  bis  own,  unlike  di  <^b«r  Joirzsia^  and  wi^h  meatiisn  in  it,  sharp 

and  peculiar  to  the  man.  Could  yon  oot  ca'cb  themP  If  you  coutd, 
and  could  also  subordinate  ihei  to  the  laws  of  li^ht  and  sbad^,  as  they 
are  to  be  bubordiQatfd,  you  niif^lil  do  for  our  time  what  Rembrandt 
slid  for  hifl— and  Tituj)  and  Giokgidnb  for  th^-tr1— ard  RAPnAEL,  and 
Rubens,  anit  VANJ>¥itJi  f^r  theirs— and  Hetnoij>s  for  hia,  You  Dat§ht 
4:lt;Tate  what  is  bw,  only  bfcause  it  ia  dealt,  wiih  in  a  low  and  miAd- 
Irss  way,  to  the  dig^nity  that  belong  to  all  tru«  represent  at  iona  of 
human  bnnge,  and  vou  mi^bt  paint  pictures  that  would  Look  Ttiry 
ainguiar  in  the  Exhibition  of  the  Royal  Academy. 


THE  WAY  THE  MONEY  GOES, 

If  any  one  wants  lo  know  bow  the  nioney  pees,  a  peruBaL  of  that 
part  of  Iho  dcbafes  which  is  beaded  Supplt  will  furcish  much  very 
atrikinp,  if  not  very  satisfacforv,  in(orm*fioti.  The  episode  of  tlio 
Marble  Arch  con  ains  soTiie  curious  illustra^iouB  of  the  way  in  which 
the  public  money  may  be  wasted,  not,  perhap*ip  m  playing  at  ducks 
and  drakes,  bu^.  in  a  game  at  marhjpit.  The  cnuiitrv  is  asktd  to 
knuckld  down  lo  the  tune  of  some  £10,000  or  £13,000  fcr  the  n:ere 
removal  of  this  aroh^  and  nobody  c^n  decide  where  lo  move  it  to.  One 
proposition  of  a  site  is  the  round  water  in  Kensingrtion  Gardens  ;  but 
whether  the  bottom  of  the  water  is  iuiend^d,  or  merely  tlie  brink,  we 
have  not  beea  enkifFhtened  upon.  We  should  »u^es^  a  contract  with 
some  respecl&ble  dua'man  to  remove  Ihe  wbole  cnncprn  as  rubhi«h, 
rather  thai  that  fhp  cnun'ry  should  have  to  pay  £10,000  or £13.000  ia 
aiidi'ion  to  the  £120,000  it  has  already  co*t  us,  Tne  CuatfCEtLOa 
or  TUB  ExCQEQUEtL  declared,  wiib  an  arc^t  look,  Ihat  tbertmavdiof 
the  Arch  wtjuid  alTo  d  am<i»eui'Qt  to  the  puhlio;  and  perhaps  as  tar  as 
'\i^  juvenile  part  of  the  pnpula' ion  ia  concerned,  thrre  uiay  be  some- 
tttjkig  in  ihe  argupi  out.  F«>t!airdy  a  piLviour  might  gipn  the  nat'oa  rovte- 
thing  (or  the  old  n.a^eriwl ;  and  thus  Uie  Miidstry,  wbicti  fuu»d  the 
arch  of  marble,  might  leave  it  of  c^pp^*r»  bv  getting  a  lew  halfpence  out 
of  it.  in  the  ^hupt  of  balance,  afttr  dtduciiug  the  ejp'nst;  of  dt-livery. 

Atiother  por'iou  of  a  recent  debate  on  supply  call  a  our  attention  to 
Ihp-  t-iLp^nce  of  the  great  quantity  of  fret^work  about  rhe  New  Houses^ 
Mbd  thouKh  ttiere  is  not  ;iiuch  use  jitst  now  in  fretting  over  it,  we  are 
f^orry  to  bear  that  n10a^  of  it  ia  already  filled  up  with  sparrowk'  nests^ 
so  that,  all  hough  the  moury  has  not  literally  gonA  to  the  dogs,  it  baa 
gone  U}  th»  birds  in  ilic  juObL  lavish  tiianiifr.  An  Kmourabie  Member 
GoinplaJned  also,  that  fiou>e  of  ihe  new  stonework  wna  crurnbling  away, 
and  3 bus  thi^  pubfie,  aticr  having  oaii>«  down  so  liberally  wiih  the  diut, 
ntav  tiud  the  dust  coming  dowa  of  ita  own  accord,  and  their  money 
will  bs  bbivu  away  wuh  it. 


'  *Bown-Therer  in  Front!" 

We  canao^.  UTaderaUnd  )he  a^ranse  tenaci'y  with  which  the  dead  wall 
io  front;  of  the  Bii'isli  Mu'-eum  i^  kepf  'tp.  Two  or  three  brfeks  are 
knock»Hi  down  evfry  wctk,  wliich  ccr'ainly  give  the  wail  a  picruresque, 
vaadyked  appcarauc^,  and  niii-t  render  it  very  easy  for  cats  r.o  cljiib; 
btr,  still,  thrrtf  must  be  a  ^nie  hiddfa  reason  why  the  Widl  is  not  knocked 
dowQ  altogether.  Two  Irish  brickUyera  would  do  it  easily  ic  hall  aday. 
Nhi — we  iinagioe  i;  is  maintained  piirpo&ely  to  bide  the  new  buiEdin^, 
for  it  is  very  ms^\y  thought-  ihsf-  lb?  sight  of  a  handsome  edifice  m 
London  would  be  too  much  for  ihc  public  rniad^  if  dispUved  all  at  ^ftx'i^ 
so  it  is  cuTtEidtred  beat  to  accustom  fUr  public  eye  lo  it  bi'-  by  hi'-  In 
about  five  years*  tia^e,  we  may  probably  have  a  full  view  oi  the  new 
British  Museum* 


OAUTION. 

Ahh  CENTLEMEN^,  who  iiavc  the  Kappin^u  to  ho  mBmed,  tnA  leave  hotn'O 
(pwljr  on  tlio  Wt^iiffiJ^y  monilnFf  of  M*y  20lh,  me  "  thpy  bft^e  ft  little  liis^Tieu  1q 
the  I'Uyji  whieli  may  pf'tuihl/  i]ria3il  Dura  all  Any,  nm  tTipy 'll  not  ba  hamu  \o  dtimer," 
an}  j)HrO?ulnrl>' r^Bommnnded.  iKtfHrfl  Ui«y  VHnLnre  In-ditori,  to  MLrfili,  thrir  p<jckfts 
on  th»  diK>r.4itep.  THIS  CAUTlIlN  ij  Ktvan  Ln  the  cquftt  friendly  tiilclt,  lu  order 
ta  iLTrjtA  any  ucple&Hiintnen^  tlimt  ml^iht  goiuli  >ti  llm  bo^i-Peg*ll*tad  fAallilf,  fr^m  tlie 
^enOeiuaa  (Jropplne^  by  accMont  bDyliiini;,  vlltcb,  upon  being  pL«kttd  Up  bj  hia 
afftictioa4t«  wif*,  flb«ila  inn.  out  Uf  be  a— 


.■'^._ 


"jJorlittg'a  Correct  I»Utt!l" 


FoRtiGN  Cori^espohdenoe. — What  ii  the  best  Powder  for  removing 
Grease  F    Acoorduig  Lo  LooD  pALUfiisioN,  it  is  Gunpowder* 


■Pii 


PUNCa  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVARL 


215 


U00K3   AND    CORXERS    OP   CHARACTER. 


THE  GRAPHIOLOGIST. 

HOSE  who  would  have  a  Character,  can  pro- 
cure one  for  13  po<itftse  Bt«mp«. 

Write  A  letter — any  bit  of  nonsenas  you 
like — enclose  the  above  sum — addreas  it  to 
a  0&A.paioLOGisT  —  and  fou  will  have  a 
Character  by  return  of  post. 

Whether  the  Character  will  be  Rood,  bad, 
or  indifferent,  depends  entirely  upon  yoiir 
band-writing, — so  you  must  bo  very  careful 
what  pens,  what  inic,  what  letter-paper,  you 
use.  If  your  hand  shakes,  put  it  off  till  the 
next  morning. 

If  you  cannot  write  yourself — or  wiite  no 

better  tlmu  a  Chinese,  or  a  FrenchDiao,— it 

is  better  to  get  some  one,  wbo  doea  write 

well,  to  pen  the  letter  for  you.    Ttiis  plan  has  its  advaut««e9,  for  if  the 

Cbarac'er  in  a  bad  one,  you  hand  it  over  to  tho  friend  wbo  has  written 

ibe  letter  for  you ; — if  it  is  a  dood  one,  you  keep  it  yourself. 

The  proresHion  of  a  Grapiiioi/jgist  is  a  profitAole  one! — so  much 

Sdiat  wc  have  been  told  lately  of  three  capitalists  who  have  lelt  the 
_   Mine  to  go  into  it. 

The  stock  in  traie  is  very  simple.  A  quire  of  paper— a  dozen  Ma^- 
nnm-Boniuiu— a  hundred  envelopes — and  a  fair  average  quantity  of  tlut 
material,  of  which  knockers  and  borrbters*  faces  are  made  of,— and 
Tou  can  s'art  as  a  Graphiolocibt  to-morrow.  Borrow  five  BhilUngs 
for  an  advertisement,  and  your  fortune  is  already  in  your  lap! 

The  letters  keep  pouriog  in  in  such  showers  that  the  second  week 
yon  are  obliged  to  start  a  Secretary — and  each  week  generally  brin^  a 
oorresponding  increase.  You  must  recollec-  every  letter  pavs  in  a 
shilling,  and  aa  every  postman  rarely  delivers  less  than  twenty  letters, 
you  oan  easily  guess  what  the  amount  must  be  at  the  end  of  the  day. 
His  income — his  ppa-and-inkome,  to  use  an  old  joke — is  something  stu- 
pendous—and the  name  of  a  Ga&piuoLOOibX  lias  been  confided  to  us, 
who  gave  his  daughter,  on  her  wedding-day.  a  dowry  of  25,000  stamps, 
and  Mttled  upon  her  for  life  the  eigut  o  olook  delivery,  a.  m.,  of  bis 
practice. 

This  eitensive  correspondence  is  ooc^ioned  by  the  simple  fact,  Ihat 
there  are  many  persons  who  write  to  every  Qraphiologist  who  Bt«rts 
up  through  tho  a'ivertisemrnttntp  of  a  newspaper.  Took  pfrsons  are 
hungry,  conceited  sonl»,  who  arc  nrver  iratisBed  with  the  character  they 
have  got,  and  areaiwa'>s  nibbing  their  goonequillsto  d^ath,  in  tlie  hopes 
of  geaing  a  better.  Thua,  no  sooner  does  a  new  Professor  publi^ii  the 
aunoanorment,  that  he  ia  ready  to  grasp  ever] body's  hand  that  brings 
him  thirteen  pnstage-stanipi  inside  it,  than  he  i*  surp  to  receive  appli- 
cations from  all  'hi)se  who  hiive  writea  to  every  Graphiulcgist  who 
has  floiirished  nith  hia  pen  before  him.  According  to  this,  tlie  Gra- 
pbiologis'  who  comes  las\  will  have  a  corre^poi<dence  that  will  make 
tile  retuma  on  St.  Valentine's  Day  look  very  smull  indeed. 

It  must.  ntif.  be  imagined,  however,  that  the  Oraphiologist  is  merely 
*  STpsy  of  literature,  who  tells  chamcvera  by  looking  at  llie  marks  that 
run  through  a  person's  band,  lie  ii  a  man  of  immense  reitding.  and 
turns  that  reading  to  the  greatest  pro6t.  He  can  tell  at  once  the  weak 
point  in  a  person's  character,  and,  by  flattering  that  point,  ensures  many 
»let'er-box  full  of  customers. 

But  wriat  has  flattery  to  do  with  the  truth  F  A  great  deal,— for everr- 
one  is  ph'ased  in  receiving  a  good  ohar^c'er.  It  requires  but  linle 
persuasion  to  beli^'ve  we  are  good,  but  a  gr^t  deal  to  be  convinced 
we  are  bad.  Then,  again,  th«  character,  wh^n  i' is  good,  is  eitiibT'ed 
wi'h  pride  to  all  the  owner's  friend" — antt  thi^  pri- kn  them  wiih  an 
envious  desim  to  have  Iheir  cliarMC'ers  told  alsn.  This  is  the  chpappst 
adver'isfm  nt  the  GaAPHinLOGLST  cao  have.  But,  ^upDOsing 'he  cha- 
racter h'ld  been  filled  witti  bitten  ins'ead  uf  swerts,  it  would  have  been 
torn  up  in  a  rage,  or  locked  up  in  fionte  tecret  drawer,  and  not  a  soul 
Would  have  seen  U.  The  well  from  which  the  GaapmoLOOisT  draws  lus 
truttia  is  flilcd  with  mm  sturec. 

There  have  been  libels  agaiatt  the  Giufhiologist,  as  there  have 
been  against  every  buld  innovator  who  haa  atlemp'ei  to  raise  the  cha- 
racter of  hia  age.  It  has  been  falsely  uttered,  like  a  bad  note,  that 
be  keeps  upon  hand  a  large  stook  of  characters,  filled  with  all  the 
cardinal  virtues,  and  that,  as  the  applications  arrive*,  he  fills  tbem 
njp  with  the  names  and  addresses,  and  srnds  'hem  off  indiscriminately. 
This  libel  is  to  atrociouSj  tliat,  we  think,  it  answers  i'self. 

We  have  ourartves  written  to  a  Graphioloiciat  three  different  letters 
on  three  different  days.  It  is  true  that  tlie  answers  we  received  were 
in  ttiree  different  h  mUwittingB,  but.  s^ill  they  were  full  of  such  flaticring 
trathf,  and  ri^dounded  so  honourably  to  our  character,  that  we  were 
more  conviuced  than  ever  of  the  libellous  tendency  of  such  rumours, 
which  persons  cannot  be  too  cautious  in  circuUting. 

It  is  as  clear  as  silvei-lake  ioe  that  the  GitAPiiiuLOGiST  believes  in  a 
prepo&denmoe  of  good  over  evil.    If  he  errs,  it  is  on  the  aide  of  good- 


nets.  In  these  days  of  despondency,  when  it  is  too  much  the  fashion 
10  hang  crape  round  rvrry  Thi^ig,  it  is  most  rrfreshing  to  hrar  a  voice. 
Cfirolling  above  us,  KUddrniug  l:u-ldred^  of  hrarts  by  the  rheerime  '  o  es 
lie  ^Cilter8  around  aim.  In  thus  hap  iv  •Tain  does  the  GuAFulOLOClST 
perprtu->lly  sing,  and  we  shall  idways  look  up  to  him  as  the  gemlest 
of  Larks! 

One  thing  is  very  certain.  The  Graphioloqist  is  a  loud  warning  to 
part-nts  how  careful  ihey  should  be  in  teaching  iheir  children  to  write. 
When  we  consider  I  hat  a  hopefcl  son  ntay  hud  into  a  HoBB-srinajic 
because  he  has  not  been  properly  taught  at  school  to  do'  his  t's— or 
that  a  pro  nixing  daughier  iimy  blossom  into  a  Mbs.  Bhownuigg  from 
an  early  vice  of  not  crossing  her  Ts— the  re!tpo'isibiii>>  uf  le  chmg  the 
young  idea  how  t^  pick  up  pothooks  and  hangers  b.  e  nir-s  so  awful  aa 
almost  to  make  one  forswear  matrimony  altogether.  Tho  only  way  we 
see  to  avoid  accidents  would  be  to  bring  up  one's  entire  family  aa 
writing-maaters. 

THE  SONG  OF  l^HE  UNDERTAKER. 

To  arma,  to  arms — unfurl  the  pall. 
Spread  far  and  wide  the  siahs  of  gloom; 

Awake  at  self-protect  ion's  call, 
The  goal  we  fight  for  is  the  tomb. 

They  shall  not  baulk  us  of  our  prey- 
No  living  victims  do  we  crave; 

The  dead  tlicy  dare  not  take  away, 
Thev  shall  not  tear  us  from  the  grave. 

From  Undertakers'  dismal  den, 
Mu'es,  mourners,  we  invite ; 

Up  roBsa  ye,  then,  my  merry,  merry  ue 
'lis  for  the  dead  we  fight. 

Why  should  the^  turn  our  mimic  woe 

Into  substantial  grief? 
Surely,  if  burning  tears  must  flow, 

Tbeir  progress  should  be  brief. 
If  sorrow's  emblem  must  appear, 

We  need  no  ^ef  within ; 
As  rich  the  moisture  bom  of  beer. 

The  tear  distilled  from  gin. 
From  Undertakers'  dismal  den, 

Mu  e?,  nioiimers,  we  invite; 
Up  rouse  ye,  then,  my  merry,  merry  men 

'lis  fur  the  dead  we  fijjht. 

Knights  of  the  sable  plume  are  we, 

Our  '  rappinga  utr  of  woe ; 
Our  cres'  shall  the  black  feafher  be, 

The  white  we  will  not  s'low. 
Of  all  'he  perquisitrs  we  prise 

Shall  we  be  rudely  shorn  P 
What  grnuinc  teArn  will  dim  our  eyes, 

When  fur  ourselves  we  mourn  ! 
From  Unde.  takers'  dismal  den, 

Mutes,  moiirnerfi,  we  invite ; 
Up  rousa  ye,  then,  my  merry,  merry  men, 

'lis  for  the  dead  we  fight. 

Th^y  i>ay  tha^  anguish  only  kills 

When  on  one  ubjeot  fixed : 
That  like  our  teas  our  mof  al  ilia 

Are  wholeftomer  when  mixed. 
Gticf  for  the  dead  may  loss  some  power 

It  we  iUspliere  ruUrge, 
By  making,  in  afflio'ion  a  hour, 

A  s' tinning  funeral  charge. 
Fioni  UndertaktTs'  dismal  den, 

Mu'es,  mourners,  we  invite; 
Up  rouss  ye,  then,  my  merry,  merry  mer 

^Tis  for  the  dead  we  fight. 

Then  make  an  effort,  one  and  all. 

Since  they  our  rigbta  invade, 
Ye  Undertakers,  great  and  small, 

Black  aheep  of  every  shade; 
Performers  in  the  funeral  line. 

Who  've  fatten'd  on  the  dead. 
We  w»ut— and  never  will  resign— 

Their  bonea  to  make  our  bread. 
From  Undertakers'  dismal  den, 

Mutes,  moamers,  we  iuvite; 
Uprouse  ye,  then,  my  mrrry,  merry  meili 

^s  for  the  dead  we  fight. 


"  HocsEnoLD  WoBBs  '*— ^  Rejecttd  Jrtiela.—iijui  and  wife  qotf- 
reiling,  and  the  Utter  being  thrown  out  of  window. 


PUNCa  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


919 


MEN  OF  LETTERS  AT  THE  POST-OFnOE. 

EOISLATIOK  and    LlNDLET    MuRRAT  OTft  off^B 

at  isRueon  hv&riety  o(  points,  and  it  would 
s«em  that  the  Kxeca'ive  is  equal Ijr  at  fault 
to  such  an  extrnt  as  to  make  ua  fear  that 
Qorernment  and  Granimar  are  incompatible. 
We  should,  however,  have  supposed,  that,  if 
w  one  department  more  than  another  it 
imight  be  possible  (o  construct  a  scmtcnce 
for  which  a  charity  boy  would  not  deserve 
th^  cane,  that  deparhiient  would  be  the  Post- 
Office,  where  the  cultivation  of  letters  might 
reasonably  be  looked  for.  We  resrrct  to  tind 
Uiat  the  au'horities  at  St.  Mvtio's-le-Orand 
aro  as  bad  as  the  worst  of  them  in  their 
jirntax,  aud  we  have  much  reason  to  believe 
that  it  is  onlv  the  printer's  care  that  pre- 
■erres  official  orlbogniphy  from  constant 
error.  We  invoke  our  old  friend  OilDircs 
to  eive  ua  his  aid  in  the  elucidation  of  the 
following  direction  issued  from  the  Post- 
Office  as  to  the  trauamission  of  Bank  Notes 
in  letters  :— 

win  Iw  to  cut  inch  notM  In  bftl/^Miidlnff  mdk  ha^  by  ftto  JU^krMf 

This  direction  can  only  be  followed  by  some  genms  such  as  Houdin, 
the  professor  of  magic^  who  has  been  all  his  life  accustomed  to  burning 
pocket-bandkcrchicts  mto  tinder,  and  producing  them  in  a  perfect  state, 
drawing  an  iutinite  variety  of  liquids  froai  one  inexhaustible  bottle,  or 
erhibiting  the  same  article  in  two  different  places  at  almost  the  same 
moment.  We  should  bedeliahtcd  to  know  the  secret  of  oomplyiug  with 
this  requisition  of  the  Post-Office  authoriticSj_for,  if  it  could  be  done,  we 
might  send  one  half  of  a  bank-note  to  two  different  places,  and  the  other 
half  to  two  other  places,  which  would  enable  us  to  kill  two  birds  with 
one  stone,  or,  rather,  pay  a  couple  of  debts  with  one  note— if  we  hap- 
pened to  be  so  fortunate  as  to  possess  such  a  document.  We  strongly 
recommend  the  CHASrELLoa  o?  the  KxcireqrEK  to  put  himself  in 
pommunication  with  the  Po»t-Offico  authorities,  for  the  purpose  of 
learning  f  he  art  of  not  only  making  money  go  as  far  as  it  possibly  can, 
but  of  making  it  go  in  two  directions  at  the  same  instant. 


WHAT  ARE  TffE  LAWS  OF  THE  ROAD  ON  A 
DERBY  DAY? 


It  is  very  difficult  to  say,  for  it  is  quite  a  toss-up,  bot  more  freqnestly 
a  spill,  if  there  are  any  Iaws  ai  all  on  anch  a  djty.  The  only  Laws  we 
know  of  aa  boUiing  the  reins  of  OoTenunent  on  that  oocaaioa  are  tha 
following : — 

To  past  every  one  on  the  road,  whether  you  are  right  or  left. 


MR.  ARCHER  FERRAND. 

At  the  meeting  of  a  Society  for  Increasing  the  Price  of  Bread  at 
Doncaster  last  week,  reported  by  the  Morninfi  Po$t,  Ma.  FeaRAND  is 
represented  to  have  made  the  following  remarkable  assertion  :— 

"  I  here  repeat  a  feet  which  has  recently  becD  Ht&tod  to  the  pnUlc.  and  which  haa  been 
pored,  that  In  Aawriea,  1000  iUtm  an  daUy  nurdend  lu  the  culdratloii  of  cotton 
(MoAoflfL  by  eruoltlfls  and  atznelllM  0K>ra  horrible  tbaa  arar  were  Lnflieted  od  dumb 

At  this  rate,  America  will  have  little  to  fear  from  the  increase  of  her 
slave  population.  All  that's  black  will  fade  from  Transatlantic  earth 
with  what  Mb.  Cahltle  would  call  "  some  degree  of  brevity."  A 
thousand  negroes  murdered  every  day  would  be  three-bucdred-and. 
wxty.five-thousand  destroyed  per  annum,  not  to  count  an  odd  two- 
hundred  and-fifty  that  would  probably  be  killed  beaides  in  the  additional 
BIX  hours. 

iU.  Fkhrand  is  a  good  old  English  enemy  of  Free  Trade,  which, 
verily  he  attacks  with  a  good  old  English  weapon.  Kobin  Hood  was 
a  chUd  to  him  at  the  long  bow. 


"  Bless  their  dear  Eyea,"-r.  P.  OoaU, 
Whbn  England  is  in  an  awkward  predicanient,  and  does  not  know 
howjo  set.  she  ualwaye  warned  that  "the  Eyes  of  Europe  are  upon 
V"*.  We  do  not  Me  that  we  should  have  any  particular  respect  for 
^. *"1.u  ®5;e«  of  Europe,"  beyond  the  reverence  we  show  tbevery- 
body  8  orbits,  thoujth  we  must  coDfess  there  is  one  great  superiority 
Uy  enjoy  over  Enghahmen'e  eyes,  and  that  is.  they  pay  no  VVindow- 

TFl  yOBtUTT  OF  THIS  WJWEB  OODCBfi. 

«an.^^*?  ^"^  °^**ijr  °*^**  fashionable  squares,  calls  th«  Police 

The  Area-stocraoy  of  England."  and  cerUinly  a  Policeman  can  claim 

for  his  order  three  of  the  great  eiemenU  of  aristocracy,  for  he  can 

prove  Rank.  Station,  and  Dneeni.  ''   "'  ""  *^ 


Im 


•ILBXCl,  F&aT,  eiLBiroi  I 
iw  oonMoaeiiee  of  the  attempt  of  the  undertaker*  to  prevail  by 
Oamour  at  the  meetings  m  favour  of  the  Government  Interments  Bill, 
there  ought  to  be  a  regulation  that  no  funeral  performer  ihould  be 
allowed  to  attend  except  m  the  character  of  a  mate. 


To  allow  no  one  to  pass  you.  Cut  in  and  out ;  and  recollect  it  is  the 
same  as  at  whist— you  must'cut  t  he  very  lowest,  if  you  wish  to  get  the  lead. 
To  rocchange  compliments  with  every  one  on  the  road,  more  par- 
ticularly with  elderly  persons  whose  steeds  have  not  been  purchued  at 
ANDEnaoK's,  and  with  gentlemen  who  are  walking  on  foot  with  their 
coats  off. 

To  t&ke  your  hat  olT,  and  kiss  your  hand  moit  Tcheroently  to  bU  the 
pretty  facea  you  see  lining  the  garden  walls  on  each  side  of  the  high 
road,  and  to  cheer  those  who  nave  the  good  natore  to  return  yonr 
pointed  compliments. 

To  stop  at  every  public  house  on  the  road,  if  it  is  only  "  to  give  the 
horses  five  minutes  1" 

To  sliake  hands  with  every  body,  when  you  descend,  and  to  be  moat 
particular  in  enquiring  after  every  stranger's  health. 

To  ask  the  bar-mitid  in  the  blandest  manner,  if  she  is  quite  well? 
and  "  if  she  'U  take  anything  neat  ? — a  French  cap,  for  instance,  or  a  laoe 
bonnet,  or  a  pair  of  diamond  earrings  ? — you  *re  not  particular  wbich." 

To  assure  the  a»Uer  that  you  will  *'  remember"  uim  as  long  as  you 
live — and  longer,  if  he  particularly  wishes  it. 

To  evince  the  highest  disdain  for  broken  panels,  and  not  to  have 
the  slightest  regard  for  your  horses'  legs,  or  your  poatilions*  calves, 
but  to  command  them  to  cut  through  narrow  places,  where  there 
would  be  srarcely  room  for  a  ginger-beer  cart  to  creep  through. 

To  distribute  impartially  1o  persons  on  the  road  the  "knock-em- 
downs"  you  have  brought  away  as  tropliies  of  your  exploits  on  the 
turf,  reserving  one  or  two  of^  the  largest  for  any  particular  friend  to 
whom  you  owe  a  long-etanding  grudge  for  sintilar  debts  incurred  on 
previous  occasions,  and,  as  you  wouid  be  ashamed  to  do  anything 
behind  bis  back,  to  wait  till  yon  meet  him  face  to  face,  and  then 
"catch  his  eye"  with  the  biggest.  Before  your  friend  liaa  recovered 
the  use  of  his  eyesight,  you  are,  of  course,  a  good  mile  ahead,  laughing 
in  the  joLlieat  manner  posoible  at  the  goodness  of  the  joke. 

Before  leaving  the  high  road,  to  atop  the  most  superb  foreigner  on 
horseback  you  can  select,  and  taking  off  your  ehapmu^  to  ask  him  in  the 
gravest  manner,  softenea  with  a  few  drops  of  the  "  sweet  oil "  of  his 
own  continental  politeness,  ^'iPavoir  la  bonii  de  *e  dcnner  la  jmw  de 
venUoif  bien  oom*  conjiar  da  uoneeiUi  de  la  9anU  da  Madame  ut  Mht ; 
et  n  ifadawu  tail  au  juste  gm  Momittir  lOMfU  ett  totii?" 

To  stand  up  in  your  carriage,  to  shout,  to  use  your  arms  like  a  wild 
telegraph,  and  your  legs  like  a  pair  of  mad  compasses,  to  talk,  joke  and 
laugh,  m  the  easiest,  and  decidedly  the  freest  manner,  with  persons  yoa 
would  be  ashamed  of  bring  seen  to  exchange  a  aingle  word  with  on  any 
other  occasion  but  the  Derby. 

To  subside  into  your  natural,  quiet,  gentlemanly,  state,  u  soon  u 
you  reach  Kenningtnn  Gate,  ana  for  tiie  remainder  of  the  joamev  to 
ait  silently  in  the  back  of  your  carriage,  taking  no  heed  of  the  Tulgar 
observations  addren<ied  to  you  by  the  dirty  bUokguards  who  forget  th«t 
station  in  life  in  daring  to  speak  to  you. 


4 
4 


4 


A   COUPLST  rOB  CHOWLBB. 

ly  the  demand  for  Com-lAws  we  examina. 
'Tis  bat  sory  for  artihcial  famins. 


220 


PUNCa  OK  THE  LONDON  CHAIUYARI. 


JTHI   GREATEST  BRITISH 

-  SUBJECT. 

Thb  Archbishop  oi  CAVTE&BUjir 

hu  ffpnerally  been  considered  to  be 
the  DTBt  person  under  the  Crown,  and, 
nrxt  him,  tlie  L 'KD  Cuamcellou. 
Thi^  is  qui'e  a  niisiake.  'I'b^re  is  a 
ret  Rfeater  tuhjeot  thanDn.  Sumnbb 

or    IiOIlD    COTTENIUM.      Not  pHUCh, 

Not  Prince  Ai^eht.  Oh  1  no,  Nor 
yet  the  Dlke  of  Weij,inotok.  No; 
nor  Sib  Hobeht  Peei.,  nor  Lokp  Jouir 
Russell,  nor  evt-n  liOuii  BnorGHAH, 
wbatever  cpiaion  tbe  Utter  n\*y  bare  of 
biaiself.  Not  one  of  tbedistioguisbed 
oersona^es  just  nicnfiooed — not  the 
bl^hest  and  most  iufiueatiai  o*  Spanisli 
bondhaldcr*,  or  of  the  deditoti  of 
Aiteiican  repudiutors — bHs  ever  had 
A  Foreign  S-crelarv  for  his  sherifl",  to 
issue  a  writ  for  hint,  and  a  Bnti&b 
Admiral  for  a  bailiff,  to  collect  h's 
d*>bta.  Our  U*e  proceedings  afratnai 
Greece  indispuTttb'y  shuw  tbat  Ibe 
greatr8^  Briiislt  "ubj''ct  io,  beyond  all 
peradventure,— Dun  Pxcirico  t 


THE    DEEBY    DAY 
The  STvriD  Olu  Cooplc  wno  caoss  tub  Couaas  as  tiii»  iUca  eEcua. 


The  Taac-Bound  Pocket. 

We  are  afraid  Ibftt  Phi.nce  ALBERt'a 
very  laudable  project,  for  I  lie  Eibibi- 
tioH  of  *&I  wil  not  meet  with  all  tbe 
epcouraffement  wbicb  it  lo  niucli  Jc- 
serves.  ItisbardJysoRenert.]  asuhjeot 
ofconversalionaa weexpectodi  would 
b  ;  and  on  a&kine  why  this  ii,  «-e  are 
g;neriiUy  met  uiin  the  reply:— A§  io 
■  lie  Exhibition  of  the  Industry  of  all 
Nu'ioiis,  Iri  LS  have  the  Income- 
rax  fairly  a'ijusted,  and  tbe  Wiudow- 
Tai  tukca  oir.  and  then  tot*ll  iM 
uUnU  it. 


k 


I 


TAO-KWANG'S  DRAGON. 

Vpoa  tb«  14ih  cf  Un  Klr>t  Moon,  lljt  Majutv  TaoKw^mo  (tb*  Lustra  of 
RSMwn)  di!pail»d  iipou  I  tic  giu*t  Jourouy,  moaiiUug  upHruila  ua  tlie  Dngoo,  to  ba  b 
(MSI  on  Ugb.— CAiACM  Court  Hullttim. 

With  a  few  curious  EDi^lisli,  it  m«T  be  a  matter  of  passing  curiosity 
to  know  Bometbinfc  of  theyDraxon.  which  tbe  EMPEBoa  07  Cuiha  baa 
so  recently  bestrode — taking  his  Throne  as  a  mounliug-post — aud  dc- 
pariinr  from  Pekin  to  be  a  ^ueat  in  IlLaven.  We  are  enabled  to  give, 
tbe  fullest  particulars  of  the  aTiimsl,  as  set  forth  by  a  very  distinsiiiithed 
Bonse  in  a  conversation,  piiilosopbic  and  confidential,  with  an  English 
FoftUCa^laiu,  now  at  HonK-Kong. 

Capiavt.  And  you  really  believe  tbat  Tao-Kwamo  started  upon  a 
Dragon  ? 

Bonte,  Believe !  Have  not  the  Flowery  People  put  on  garments  of 
white P  Have  not  tbe  Mandarins  put  away  their  buttons?  Do  tbey 
not  let  their  bf^ards  btow.  and  are  not  tbeir  eye-brows  r^EKCt^i  and 
tbrir  tails  in  a  state  oMreneyP     Believe! 

Coplain,  XyCt  aye  ;  very  good.  All  tbat  we  can  see.  But  tbe 
Dragon  f    Are  you  so  sure  of  tbe  Dragon  f 

BoHtt.  Sure  of  the  Dragon !  But  the  barbarians  are  blind  and  pig- 
akinned  !    Sure  of  the  Dragon  I 

Captain.  Understand  me.  Are  yoa  as  certain  of  the  existence  of  ibe 
Dragon  as  of  yonder  peacock  f  Is  the  Dragon  a  real  tbing,  or  only  a 
Dragon  drawn  by  the  vermilion  pencitf 

Bonm.  1'be  barbarians  are  eyeless  as  atones.  Tbe  Dragon  a  real 
thing !  Does  not  the  Dragon,  at  CLTtaia  seasons,  with  open  jaws 
approach  the  moon  F  Then,  do  we  not  beat  drums,  and  strike  gongs 
and  fnichten  and  appease  the  Dragon?  This  do  tbe  Bonzes.  And 
then  the  moon  oomca  forth  bright  and  unbittcn ;  with  not  a  mark  of 
the  Draf^n's  tooth  in  ber  silver  face. 

Capfatm.  And  is  tbia  Dragon— the  Dragon  of  the  Eclipie— the  same 
Dragon  that  has  given  old  TaoKvano  a  lift  aloft  1* 

Simu.  Tbe  same. 

CapUin.  Who  has  seen  bim  f    Nobody  but  the  priests  ? 

Bonu.  Nobody  but  tbe  Bonies,  whose  trade  it  is  to  see  tbe  Dragon 
—none  otber. 


Captain.  Then  you  can  lell  ine  sll  about  bim.  Wliat  does  he 
measure  from  the  snout  lo  Ibe  tail?  Does  he  wear  cbain-srmour,  or 
scule?    Come,  paint  me  your  Dragon. 

Bonze.  Tbe  Dragon  is  as  no  olber  Dragon.  A  Dragon  ten  patm- 
trers  in  length,  and  four  in  o  uupaas.  A  Drngon.  coloured  as  the  rain- 
bow, wilb  precious  stonrs  that  melt  into  one  another.  A  Dragon, 
whose  teeth  are  of  onyx,  whose  tongue  is  of  ooral,  aud  whoso  vo:ce  is 
us  tbe  beating  of  a  world  of  gongs.  Tbe  H  agon  has  eves  of  orang^ 
fawney,  and  on  bis  lower  lip  is  one  long  hair  of  mouse-colour,  a  hair 
thick  and  siratghlfortb  as  a  bulrush. 

CiTpiain.  You  have  seen  it  P 

BoHZ^.  I  am  a  Bonze,  and  so  being,  is  it  cot  my  trade  to  see  and 
know,  even  to  a  bair  all  about  the  Dragon  ?  Can  you  turn  my 
'*  Yes  "  inside  out  into     No  '*  ? 

Tbe  Fost-Captain  was  faken  aUck  by  the  confidence  of  the  Booa& 
who  continued  to  talk  of  tlie  Dragon  as  of  a  daily  friend — an  old,  old 
acquaintance  ;  runkmg  Urge  prolii  of  tbe  knowlrdge.  Ttie  rost- 
CHpfaiu  would  fain  have  dispui-ed  the  mailer;  but  he  h«d  a  touch  of 
pbuosopbv  (nourished,  mrhapa,  at  Kxctcr  Halt),  and  knew  it  was  « 
service  ot  orril  to  meudle  with  tbe  property  of  Bocaes,  a  property 
vested— in  Dragoos. 


Police  Libraries. 


KvEET  Police-office  has  a  Library  attached  to  it.    The  following 
we  believe,  are  a  few  of  tbe  works  generally  selected  to  adorn  toa 

shelves  i — 


Cook's  VoTSigM. 

Walker's  RxcrdMis. 
atiuU'i  BporU  uid  PuUmaa. 
A  Ufa  of  Knox. 
Tbe  Heads  erUi«P«opla. 
Tbe  Lof  t  ti«iucs. 
Uunblw  1q  Eterllo. 
lupnMioiu  of  Orseoe. 

Together  with  f  he  Idler,  Taller,  Bambler.  and  the  complete  workl  o( 
Borrow,  Steele,  Bacon,  Hogg,  and  Lamb, 


Kltcbetier's  Ortela. 
BlDohei's  CuintgBk 
SteoUMtlooi  of  Eton. 
Ludct't  EocYclopMdta. 
Tte  Vn^U  Duty  of  Maa. 
Coutablv's  StlsoeUaajr. 
liorei^B  EntartalDHMnta* 
Cook' It  Joan)*!,  &o. 


w^mi 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


221 


PUNCH'S  HANIKBOOK  FOR  TNTfiNDiNG 
EMIGRANTS  TO  THE  DERBY. 

CMpriMy  AMy  u^ati  Im^orMatica  vfkick  am  U  neuired  It^ort  ieavimg 
LmdoM,  wile  m  ike  Ciewrw,  snd  duririg  ike  lieiurn^ 

Chap.  L^WIm  thovld  peopU  po  to  ike  Drrbg  f 


Ik  the  first  place,  because  everybody  (foea  lo  llio  Derby.  Another 
iTMon  i*i,  hrcaiise  they  like  it.  And  a  third,  and  very  s'rong  reuon  u, 
becsusc  i'  ii  an  excuse  for  a  holiday.  A  few  people  go  because  thry 
lukVC  \xX%  on  the  rfu:c,  and  certain  old  fogies  go  because  tUcy  always 
hone  go&e,  and  *'  always  mean  to/*  as  Ibey  tell  you  w  i  th  some  pride. 

Chap.  II. — ffinisvorth  CbnHfirrafhn. 
UilXrorlh  paying  £18  18  t.  Torn  birouche  and  pair?  Hadn't  you 
belter  find  a  seat  with  a  fnend  who  has  already  been  ^reen  enough  to 
engajte  such  a  vehicle?  Hadn't  you  better  pause  before  you  bi.rfc  lo 
Btotnp  up  fftr  the  party,  and  gel  it  back  from  tlie  n^en  afterffards  in 
tharesP  Did  you  ever  know  a  casn  of  anybody  ever  Retting  it  back, 
under  those  cirpumstnrices  P  Consider  whtl her  it  isn'i.  the  Irec^t  and 
easirst  way  after  all  I  o  toddle  down  in  a  Hansom,  ^ih  a  hamper  be- 
tween your  legs  ? 

CfliP,  \\\.~-frepntatiotuf^r(hRoad.  The  EeoH'.mleal P^issffffe S^em, 
There  is  o^^en  a  necp«»i*.y  for  econonrii^al  conveyance  to  IhsDrrby. 
There  are  various  plans  for  effecMufr  this.  Some  go  in  a  van  *.  hut 
unless  your  relish  for  wartu  porter,  all-foura,  aud  strong  shag  tobacco, 
with  dust,  be  very  decided,  1  cannot  recointnend  this  mode,  which* 
howerer,  girea  opporlunttv  for  considnrabln  social  enjoyment.  If 
you  do  go  in  a  van,  avoid  one  whose  horses  you  thiuk  it  prob&blci 
from  obicrva'ion,  will  die  on  the  road  home.  Pertons  have  been  known 
to  RO  dgwii  five  in  a  Chireno«oab.  This  i^  ecunon^ical,  but  the  biuialii^ 
of  ihe  praclLCfl  creates  a  prejudice  against  it.  The  guinea  drag  is 
bbjcolionabie  from  the  mixeoL  character  of  your  oompaniou?,  thetr  pro- 
pensity to  indulge  in  cbafT,  and  inissiU:s  of  all  descriptions,  tlic  Rreat 
prcbabiiity  that  there  will  be  a  comet-a-pttton  whicli  will  be  played, 
and  the  painful  responsibility  you  will  feel  'hrown  on  you,  on  your  way 
back,  of  keeping  on  the  coach  two  in'cxica'cd  voung  g»ii!lenien,  iii 
no  way  related  to  you,  but  whom  you  naturally  feel  averse  to  let  drop. 

Of  all  theecouoiiiical  sys'ems,  the  most  economical,  and  decidedly  llie 
most  painfnl,  is  the  railway,  fiy  chooaiug  this  mode  you  will  be  enabled 
to  couibiae  the  experience  of  a  squeese  at  the  Opera  pit>door.  a  Smith- 
field  cattle-ring  on  a  Monday  morninx  in  a  "  full  market,"  ana  a  prison- 
van  in  the  dog-days.  You  have  also  the  terrific  struggle  on  getting 
out  at  EpBoni,  the  eiorbitant  fare  over  to  the  course,  with  the  peculiar 
mental  aalisfaction  which  a  man  feels  who  has  been  deliberately  done  ; 
and.  to  wiud  up,  vcu  will  have  lo  leave  the  course  atxiut  four,  If  you 
wish  to  start  by  the  seven  o'clock  train,  as  you  may  calculate  upon  a 
three  hours*  conlUct  to  get  to  your  carriasp.  These  considerations  may 
probably  induce  you  to  adopt  the  railroad  line  of  conveyance. 

Chap.  lY.—Prepartjiiojtf  for  the  ffwrf,  rontimifd.     The  Ottfjit. 
Luncheon  deserves  consideration.     As  for  the  drinkables,  I  will  not 

iniult  you  by  auppoaing  you  capable  of  &  "  ready-pftoked  hamper/'  at 

3Cu„  containing  two  bottler  of 
l*ort>  two  bottles  of  Sherry,  two 
Iwttles  of  Champagne,  two 
bottles  of  Hock,  two  bolLles  of 
Chablia,  and  two  bottles  of 
Uoaelle.  Keflcct  upon  the 
awful  oonsequenoea  of  drinking 
any  considerable  portion  of  any 
one  of  those  bottles,  and  then 
conceive,  if  you  can.  the  results 
of  a  mixture !  Pny  see  to 
knives  and  forks,  and  salt. 
Without  these,  what  is  the 
most  perfect  luncheon  ?  Think 
of  the  humiliation  of  eating 
the  most  consummate  lobster 
salad  out  of  a  newspaper,  or 

drinking  eren  real  St.  Ttrn^  out  of  a  bottlfr-neck. 


For  the  eatables  1  say  nothing.  Let  Ihfm  be  of  the  be:t  quality,  and 
in  the  greatest  abu&dakiOe. 

In  the  above  reniarks,  I  allude  to  the  oonsiderations  that  should  guide 
you  in  ea'iflg  yoor  friend's  luncheon*,  not  in  providing  your  owu.  As 
a  rule,  never  'ake  any  luncheon.  You  are  ceriaiu  (o  meet  persons  who 
have  uruvid  d  more  ttiuu  tbcy  can  possibly  consump,  aud  yuu  will  (tbiiiic 
them  by  partaking.  I  have  always  founit  the  objeot,  at  the  l>erb/,  to 
be,  to  get  the  people  to  eat  luncbeoDs. 

CitAP.  y.^Firtt  Steja  at  the  Derby, 

As  14  ytnir  conduct  on  the  road,  let  it  be  dignilled  and  affiihle.  Do 
Dot  pelt  in  return,  if  pelted  at,  ana,  above  all,  avoid  tliat  intTrclumge  bf 
ohiin  in  which  the 
cabni&n  14  an 
%itp\  since  you 
know,  as  well  as 
I  do,  Ibat  yoH 
eahnot  do  i*.  and 
ttsat,  (hough  you 
may  cotiinicmie 
with  aa  hrr  of  de- 
liaDoe,  1  ou  At« 
sure  to  end  iu  »g- 
nomtliious  failnttt. 
.\f;ain»t  too  mtteb 
freedom  in    5onr 

manner  of  saluting  the  ladica'  schools  ovtr  the  garden  Walla,  1  snnrly 
nfed  not  warn  you,  hut.  you  will  find  llift  irmptnlion  s^rcn?.  On 
reaching  the  Hrittb.  if  in  a  CAtHnge,  you  will  hnvo  'o  pay  asovereiirn 
for  )-our  place  on  the  hdl.  Pay  it;  pnd  t  wo^li  cnme»tly 
beg  of  you  not  to  swear  while  doing  *o  but  I  know  you  will. 
Vou  had  better  allow  yourself  to  be  hni-hca  on  aliglilini,  as  yon  are 
certain  to  be  brushed  if  you  will  not  allow  it,  and  will  have  to  jwiy  all 
tiie  sauic. 

Your  flrsi  ateps  aftpr  a-r-ti-.r-  H  .wn,  and  being  a  good  deal  bni^ttd. 
will  probably  be  to  a  !.  wn,  or  a  thimb'e  lig,  or  a  jifi(^k-in- 

the-garter.  I  caUnot  n  .-.■-,  anv  of  these  amusements,  but  knwk- 
*era-downi  is  the  niost  iauocent  wf  the  three.    U  is  highly  improbable 


that  you  will  rain  nt  either  of  the  latter.  It  is  customary,  in  hand* 
books  of  this  description,  to  givo  Mtinta*es  of  the  capital  tliatmay  bs 
taken  out  with  advantage.  I  should  say  that  the  less  capital  you  take 
out  in  the  case  of  tlie  Derby  Day,  the  better — at,  whatever  its  amount, 
you  and  it  will  be  pretty  certain  to  be  taken  in. 

About  luncheon-time  you  must  brace  up  your  erergies,  and  cono^- 
trate  them  onthe  delicate  business  of  "  sponging"  Do  r^'  vntv.^r  l<•^teT 
—and  accept  refreshment  when  ofTered  as  if  you  were  jw  i  ^  ing 

than  receiving  a  favour.     Champague  you  may  drink  aboi  i  igrs 

as  you  please,  but  I  wouM  recommcrd  you  to  lunch  suhs(iiuitiiUi,\  va  one 
and  the  same  place.  When  you  have  once  doue  this  you  ate  indeuendont 
fortho  day,  and  I  need  not,  surely,  cnlnrgs  on  the  noble  and  exhilarating 
elTeots  of  a  sense  of  independence. 

CuAi'.  VL— r-4<  lUtuTfi, 

Your  horses  will  be  found  eventually,  but  you  may.  if  you  like^  go  and 
look  for  them  yourself.  The  search  wiil  be  attended  with  considerable 
excitement,  aa  you  are  certain  not  to  find  what  you  arc  looking  for. 
You  will  also,  in  all  nrobability,  be  kicked. 

Do  not  pay  anybody  for  helpmg  to  gc.  your  carriage  out  of  the  jam. 
Parties  performing  this  service,  without  previous  agreements,  have  no 
legal  lieu  upon  you,  and  it  is  a  gratuitous  poUlenes^  which  you  muy  feel 
sensible  of,  but  cannot  properly  be  c^led  upon  to  pay  for. 

Need  1  enlarge  on  the  proper  conduct  to  be  pursued  on  the  road 
home.  I  am  perfectly  aware  you  will  misconduct  yourself.  Ton  an 
ceitain  to  be  in  a  state  of  more  or  less  excitement;  and  if  you  avoid 
the  use  of  eggs  and  wine-glasses,  and  do  not  get  spilt,  I  Jiave  every 
reason  to  be  agreeably  disappointed. 


A  u£aauBJB  THAT  uas  FAsaen  tab  botob  op  lobjm. 

"J>oyou  know  that  the  Marque.'is  or  W has  \\\n  coats  from 

Moses P"—"  No;  hut  I  can  btlieve  i^,  for  i  was  told  thst  Moafs  wai 
hanging  on  to  the  skirts  of  the  nobility." 


Vou  XVUI.— ISACi. 


^'i,  VA^ 


223 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


SEICKpIN«TH£.Min)  OXFOBD 

BBXAIKXT  the  gift 
of  prophecy  is  not 
BO  rare  now-a- 
(Uf  B  as  some  sup- 
pose. There  are 
some  thinRB 
whidi  anybody 
may  predict  with 
certainty  besideB 
eclipses  and  the 
time  of  high 
water  at  London 
Bridge.  For  in- 
stance, given  any 
measure  for 

public  instruc- 
tion, equitable 
distribution  of 
Church  property, 
or  tiie  repeal  of 
laws  insulting 
and  injarioua  to 

(Christians  not  beloDginjf  to  the  Church  of  England,  you  may  be  sure 
that  Oxford  will  oppose  it.  Government's  proposal  for  a  commission  of 
inquiry  into  the  state  of  the  Universities  is,  of  course,  olqected  to  by 
that  learned  body.  Vxcx-Chakcellob  VLmuTBX,  on  behalf  of  the 
walking  grammars,  called  Heads  of  Houses  and  Proctors,  has  forwarded 
an  AdoTMs  to  Ceancbllob  the  Dukb  or  Wklusqtov,  in  deprecation 
of  the  projected  inquest.  This  precious  document  is  anything  but  the 
cheese :  however,  here  is  a  taste  of  it : — 

"  It  Duy  be  mil  that  modem  fotmden  uid  bene&cton  micbt,  In  scone  Inrtmicee, 
Im^o^  upon  the  exident  r^nletioiu  if  they  were  creating  ooUegei  anew  of  their  owii 
bomtjr ;  hut  It  doee  not  toOaw  that  the  former  foipidatlcmi  and  endowmenta,  when  they 
are  In  no  Inetanoe  U^oriotui  to  the  eommnnlty  at  Urge,  often  highly  beneficial,  oogbt 
tbarefore  to  be  diitazbed." 

The  delicate  irony  with  which  this  passage  oommenoes  is,  in  straight- 
forward language,  as  much  as  to  say,  "Tahl  Why  don't  the  Ministry 
found  colleges  themselves,  and  make  statutes  for  them  after  their  own 
fJRshion  P "  However,  even  if  they  did  so,  according  to  the  Oxford 
Xtons,  they  ought  not  to  be  suffered  to  render  their  foundations  too 
useful.  It  MM,"  as  these  Alphabetagammadeltarians  hypotheticallj 
pat  it,  "  be  well  that  modem  foonders  and  benefsotors  might  in  tomt 
instanoes"— not  in  all—"  improve  upon  ancient  r^ulations."  We  may 
have  too  much  of  a  good  thing— old  Port  for  instance.  Improvement 
is  Oiford's  example  of  the  aphorism— not  old  Port. 

If  it  '*  eugr  "—not  mtuf—oe  well  that  ancient  regulations  should  be 
improved  upon,  but  that  only  in  tome  instances,  and  those  confined  to 
new  ooUeges,  certidnly  it  "does  not  follow  that  former  foundations  and 
endowments,"  which  are  "in  no  instance  mjorioasto  the  oommumty 
at  large,  often  hijsfaly  beneficial,  ought  therefore  to  be  disturbed."  No- 
body says  that  it  does.  The  question  is,  whether  institutions  in  no 
ioBtanoe  injurious  to  the  community  at  large,  often  highly  beneficial, 
should  not  be  rendered  benefidal  to^it  in  every  instance,  and  in  as 
high  as  possible  a  degree  F 

iQf  coarse,  Mb.  FLVKfTBB.  and  Messieurs  Proctors  and  Heads  of 
Houses,  who  object  so  strongly  to  interfere  with  former  foundations— 
of  course  you  say  Masses  for  the  souls  of  your  founders.  If  not,  can't 
70Q  stand  a  little  more  reformation  P 


MBDICAL  PBXGAUTIONS  AGAINST  MUBDSR. 

StiFVOss  a  man  is  indicted  for  the  murder  of  his  wife.  SappOBC  it 
proved  in  evidence  that  he  had,  for  some  time  previously  to  the  aok 
evinced  great  irritability  after  dinner.  That  while  in  this  state  he  had 
once  said  to  his  wife,  "  There  will  be  war  between  France  and  Englandy 
and  I  '11  kill  every  foreigner :  and  before  I  've  done  I  '11  kill  you :  I  '11 
shoot  you  through  the  neck."  That  he  added  the  remsrk,  that  he 
always  felt  inclined  to  murder  her.  That  thereupon  he  made  two 
attempts  to  strangle  her,  endeavoured  to  caose  her  to  jump  out  of  win- 
dow, and,  lastly,  snatched  up  a  loaded  gun  to  shoot  her  with,  which  ha 
was  only  prevented  from  domg  at  the  time  by  not  being  able  to  find  a 
percussion  cap.  Suppose,  moreover,  the  fact  of  his  killing  the  victim 
to  have  been  clearly  established. 

Beyond  all  doubt  the  jury  would  return  a  verdict  of  acquittal  on  the 
ground  of  insanity. 

The  circumstances  above  supposed  are  those  of  an  actual  case,  which, 
according  to  the  Police  Reports,  came  before  Mb.  Binghax  last  week 
at  Marlrorough  Street.  The  wife  only  applied  for  protection  from  her 
husband's  violence :  she  said  that 

**  fSiA  feared  hla  mind  was  oooaiUmally  dietiirbed,  as  be  appeared  at  times  in  a  atata 
of  fDrgetftUnees." 

The  i^Bue  of  the  application  was  that 

"  Hb.  BuroBAM  tlumgbt  that  the  moit  expedient  ooorsa  to  take,  under  the  peeoUar 
droimutancei  of  the  case,  wai  to  call  on  the  defendant  to  find  mretlea  for  hU  peaeeable 
behaTionr." 

Of  course  Mb.  Bingham  could  do  no  more, — ^his  hands  were  tied ; 
'  he  was  morally  and  legally  under  that  restraint  under  which  the 
defendant  ought  to  have  oeen  placed  physically.  Cannot  a  magistrate 
be  empowerra,  in  a  case  like  this,  to  sentence  the  accused  to  a  strait 
waistcoat — the  only  way  of  binding  a  lunatic  to  keep  the  peace  P  Cannot 
he  be  authorised  to  direct— under  medical  advice— a  little  bteedini;  and 
blistering,  with  the  exhibition  of  something  sedative  and  antiphlogistic, 
and  to  commit  to  Hanwell  instead  of  Coldbath  Fields  F  Many  a  timeouB 
shaving  of  the  head  would  have  prevented  another  use  of  the  rszor. 
But  as  it  is,  a  man  must  prove  himself  a  dangerous  madman  by  destroy- 
ing somebody,  before  the  law  takes  care  of  him.  Shut  the  stable  door, 
and  a  fig  for  the  thief,— but  unfortunately  the  horse  is  gone. 


Down  among  the  Bead  Men. 

Wb  have  heard  it  whispered,  that,  ia  the  event  of  the  Qovemment 
Interments  Bill  passing  into  a  law.  the  use  of  its  machinery  will  be 
icquested  of  his  colleagues  by  Lobs  Paucbbstok,  who  is  desirous  of 
getting  the  last  few  months  buried  in  oblivion.  Bbitamioa  will  in  that 
ease  be  present  as  chief  mourner,  though  she  will  soon  recover  her 
spirits  should  the  funeral  take  place,— for  in  that  case  much  of  oar 
recent  foreign  policy  will  fall  to  the  ground. 

OlClflBUS  POPULATION. 

It  is  moat  difficult  to  ascertain  the  population  of  one  of  those  elastic, 
squeenble  vehicles- it  fiuctuates  so.  For  instanoe,  we  believe  four  to 
be  the  extreme  number  an  Omnibus  is  allowed  to  carry  on  the  roof,  but 
we  are  sure,  on  any  warm  day,  that,  instead  of  four,  sixteen  will  be 
much  nearer  the  outside.    

baihbb  otjeb  hice. 
NoTWitBBTAViiiiio  the  height  of  civilisation  indicated  by  the  dis- 
covery of  t^e  elcotrio  telegraph,  we  heard  a  lady  object  the  other  day  to 
receive  a  message  hj  it,  on  toe  ground  that  anr  information  conveyed 
by  meant  of  eleotridty  must  leqaire  the  use  of  shocking  language. 


Matrimonial  Destitution  at  this  Siggins. 

ACCOBDINO  to  the  latest  intelligence  from  California,  there  are 
scarcely  any  ladies  there.  Amidst  all  tbe  riches,  therefore^^  of  that 
El  Dorado,  the  treasure  of  a  charming  wife,  it  seems,  would  be  sought 
in  vain.  Probably,  lovely  woman  will  never  emigrate  to  California  tor 
gold,  so  long  as  there  is  enough  of  the  precious  metal  at  home  to  make 
a  little  hoop  that  will  just  go  round  the  fourth  finger  of  the  left  hand. 


FBSPABATIONS   (aT  ASTLET's)  POB  WAB. 

F.  M.  WiDDicoMB,  directly  the  rupture  between  England  and 
France  was  known,  wrote  in  to  Lobs  Paliusbston,  to  offer  bis  services 
to  the  British  Government,  and  said  he  was  empowered  by  Mb.  Baxtt 
to  give  £1000  for  another  Battle  of  Waterloo,  with  the  promise  of 
laying  out  £3000  more  towards  its  celebration,  in  the  event  of  its 
turning  out  a  successful  piece. 

Calling  them  Kames. 
It  has  been  suggested  by  a  wag,  now,  alas !  in  his  dotage— a  veteran 
who  has  seen  better  jokes — that  the  most  appropriate  names  for  our 
Minister  at  Greece  and  our  Foreign  Minister  at  home  would  be  Penny 
Wyse  and  Palmerston  Foolish.— N.B.  If  there  is  any  individual  who 
cannot  or  will  not  see  any  joke  in  this,  he  is  requested  to  wink  at  it. 

A  PBOFITAHLE  PEBSUASZON 

The  word  Agapemone  is  a  cross  between  Greek  and  English. 
"  Agspe,"  in  tbe  former  language,  signifies  love.  "  Mone "  is  evi- 
dently an  abbreviation  of  mone^.  That  tne  Agapemonians  ought  rather 
to  be  called  Agapemoneyans  is  clear  from  "  Bbotheb  Thohas's  " 
having  been  instructed  by  revelation  that  it  would  be  sinful  to  settle 
his  wife's  property  upon  herself. 

A  tbttth,  but  ko  roKE— at  least,  a  tebt  bkall  omb. 
Wb  see  that  there  is  advertised  a  "  Free  Trade  Polka."    We  do  not 
think  this  a  very  happily-chosen  title,  for  we  have  been  down  to  Kent 
latelr,  and  there  the  universal  complaint  is,  that,  though  there  is  Free 
Trade  enough  in  com,  there  is  no  Free  Trade  yet  in  nopg. 

Toujouzs  Fidele. 

Hbbb  Dbbtschook,  the  eminent  violinist,  has  been  aBtoniahing  his 
audiences  by  playing  "  Oo<i  $ape  the  Queen  "  with  his  left  hand.  How- 
I  ever  wonderful  the  feat,  it  has  been  objected  to  by  a  super-loyalist,  on  the 
I  ground  of  its  being  after  all  a  left-handed  comi^iment  to  thesovenign. 


^ 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


223 


THE     PROSER. 

E8BAY8  AKD  DI8C0UKSBS  BT   DR.  SOLOMON  PACIFICO. 


IT^— ON  A  OOOD-LOOKlNO  YOUNO  LADY. 

OUZ  time  1^0  I  had 
tha  fortune  to  wit- 
ness at  Die  bouse  of 
Xrhikia'a  brolher 
a  Trttlier  prettj  and 
affeo'.iny  scene : 
wkereupOD,  as  my 
custom  ia,  I  would 
like  to  make  a  few 
moral  remarks.  I 
must  premise  that 
I  knew  Ekminu's 
family  loi.g  before 
the  yoiiur  lady  was 
born.  ViCTORiNA 
ber  moiher,  Boa 
her  aunf.  Chin- 
chilla her  grnnd- 
niolher  —  1  hare 
been  intimate  with 
every  one  of  these 
ladies :  and  at  the 
tAblc  of  Sabilla, 
her  murried  fcister, 
with  whom  KaM[- 
xiA  lives,  have  a 
Dover  laid  for  me 
whenever  I  choose 
to  aak  for  it. 

Ever)  body  who 
has  once  seen  £r- 
JflVIA  remembers  her.  Fjite  i .  beneGcent  to  a  man  before  whose  e^es  at 
the  parks,  or  churches,  or  theatres,  or  public  ur  private  Bssrmblies  it 
tijrows  Frhima.  To  see  tier  faos  is  a  personat  kindness  fur  which  one 
ought  to  be  tliaiikful  to  Fortune;  who  n.ight  have  shown  you  Caphella, 
with  her  wbiakers,  or  FeussA,  wi)  h  her  t^iiVAge  eyen,  instead  of  Dit  Calm 
and  Rracc'fu).  the  lender  and  beautiful  Kbminu.  When  she  comes  into 
the  room,  it  ia  like  a  brautifut  air  of  Mozaht  breskiiiK  upon  you:  when 
she  passes  throufth  a  hnll  room,  iver>bo>ly  tuini  and  asks  who  is  that 
Priiic-'a*,  tlia*.  fairy  lady  ?  liven  the  women,  especially  Lhose  who  are  the 
most  beautiful  themselvt-s,  almire  her.  By  one  of  those  kind  freaks  of 
favouritism  which  Nature  takes,  she  bas  endowed  this  young  lady  with 
•IniosL  cviry  kindof  perfic  ion:  has  given  h<;r  a  charming  facr*.  a  perfect 
form,  a  pure  heart,  a  fine  perception  and  wit,  a  pretty  sense  of  huiuour,  a 
laufih  and  a  voice  that  are  as  sweet  as  mu^ic  io  bear,  for  inuucence  and 
tenderness  rmg  in  every  accent,  and  a  prace  of  movement  which  is  a 
curiosity  lo  watch,  for  m  every  attitude  of  motion  or  repose  her  form 
moves  or  settles  into  heauty,  to  that  a  perpetual  grace  accompanies  tier 
1  hive  before  said  that  1  am  an  old  fogy.  On  tho  day  when  I  leave  off 
admiring,  I  hope  I  shall  die.  To  see  Frmisia,  is  not  to  fall  in  love 
with  her:  there  are  some  women  too  h)iu>isome,  as  it  were,  for  that: 
and  I  would  as  soon  tliink  of  making  myself  miaerable  because  I  could 
not  marry  *he  moon,  and  make  the  silver-bowed  Goddess  DlAX a 
Mrs.  pACTrrco  as  I  should  \hiuk  of  baring  any  personal  aspirations 
towards  Miss  Lumikia. 

Well  then,  ii  iiappened  the  other  day  that  this  almost  peerless 
creature,  on  a  fisit  lo  tlie  country,  met  that  great  poet,  Tiuotheus. 
whose  habitation  is  not  far  from  the  coun'ry  house  of  Euminia's 
friend,  and  who,  upon  seeing  the  young  laily,  felt  for  her  that  admira- 
tion which  every  man  of  las'.e  experiences  upon  heholding  her,  and 
which,  if  Mrs.  Tiuotkzus  bad  not  been  an  exceedingo^  sensible 
person,  would  have  caus^U  a  jealousy  between  ber  and  the  great 
bard  her  hu<iband.  But,  charming  and  beauUfui  herself,  Mbs. 
Timotueus  can  even  pardon  another  woman  for  bring  so;  nay, 
with  perfect  good  sense,  though  possibly  wi'h  a  UtUe  factitious  en- 
Ihusiasm,  she  proi'efses  to  share  to  if-d  fullest  extent  the  admira'ion  of 
the  illustrious  TluoTHEtra  for  the  voung  beauty. 

Afier  having  made  himself  well  acquainted  with  E&unaA's  per- 
fections, the  famous  votary  of  Apollo  aud  leader  of  tlie  ruucful  ch^ir, 
d'.d  what  might  be  ezpecied  from  suou  a  poet  under  such  circumstances, 
and  began  to  sing.  This  is  the  way  in  wbich  Nature  hai  provided  that 
poets  should  express  their  emoiions.  When  they  see  a  beautiful 
creature  they  straightway  fall  tu  work  with  their  ten  lyltablos  and 
eight  syllables,  with  duty  rhyming  to  beauty,  vernal  to  eternal,  riddle 
to  Bddfe.or  wiiat  you  please,  and  turn  out  to  the  best  of  their  abdity, 
and  with  grea*  pains  and  neatness  on  their  own  part,  a  copv  of  verses 
in  praisr  nf  the  adorable  object.  I  myself  may  have  a  doubt  about 
the  geuumeness  of  tlie  article  ptoduoed,  or  of  the  passion  which 
««nt«  itaelf  in  this  way,  for  how  can  a  man  who   um  to  assort  I 


carefully  bia  tens  and  eights,  to  make  bis  epitbeta  neat  and  me- 
lodion*,  to  hunt  here  and  there  for  rhymes,  and  lo  bite  the  tip  of  his 
pen,  or  pace  the  gravel  walk  in  front  of  his  house  starcliing  for  idcaa— 
1  doubt,  I  say,  how  a  man  who  must  go  through  the  above  proorss 
before  tnmiogout  a  decent  set  of  verses,  can  be  ac'uated  by  such  strong 
feelings  as  you  and  I,  when,  in  the  days  of  our  youtb,  with  no  particuUr 
preparatioc,  hut  witti  our  hearts  full  of  manly  ardour,  and  tender  and 
respectful  admiration,  we  went  to  the  Sacchawrsa  for  the  time  being, 
and  poured  out  our  aouU  at  tier  feet.  That  sort  of  elcKiuence  comes  spon- 
taneously; that  poetry  doesn't  require  rhyme-jingling  and  metre-dorting, 
hut  roils  out  of  you  you  tion't  know  how,  m  mucli.  perhaps,  to  your 
own  surprise  as  lo  that  of  tlie  beloved  object  whom  you  address.  In 
my  time,  I  know  whenever  1  began  to  make  verses  about  a  woman,  it 
was  when  my  heart  was  no  longer  very  violently  smitten  about  her,  and 
the  verses  were  a  tort  of  mental  dram  and  artiljcial  stimulus  with 
which  a  man  worked  himself  up  to  represent  enthusiasm  and  perform 
passion.  Well,  well ;  I  see  what  you  mean ;  1  «w  jealous  of  him. 
TrMOTirEUs*a  verses  were  beautiful,  that**  the  fact— confound  him! — 
aud  1  wish  1  oould  write  as  well,  or  half  as  well  indeed,  or  do  anything 
to  give  KsniHiA  pleasure.  Like  an  honest  man  and  laithful  servant, 
he  went  and  made  tho  best  thing  he  could,  and  laid  this  offering  at 
Keauly's  feet.  What  can  a  gentleman  do  more?  My  dear  Mbs. 
pACinco  here  remarks  that  I  never  made  ^er  a  copy  of  verses.  Of 
course  not,  my  love.  I  am  not  a  verse-makiug  man,  nor  are  you  that 
sort  of  object— that  sort  of  target,  I  may  say— at  which,  wore  I  a  poet, 
I  would  cnoosc  to  discharge  those  winged  shafts  of  Apollo. 

When  EnuiNiA  got  the  verses  and  read  them,  she  laid  them  down, 
and  with  one  of  the  prettiest  and  most  ufTecting  emotions  which  I  ever 
saw  in  my  life,  she  began  to  cry  a  little.  The  versts  of  course  were 
full  of  praises  of  her  beauty.  "Ttieyall  tell  me  that,"  she  Faid; 
" nobody  cares  for  anything  but  thai,"  cried  the  gentle  and  sensittvo 
creature,  feeling  within  lliat  sbe  bad  a  thoisand  accou>plishmeiite, 
attractions,  oharm^  which  her  hundred  thousand  lovers  would  not  see, 
whilst  they  were  admiring  her  mere  outward  figure  and  head-pieoe. 

I  once  hesrd  of  another  ludv^  " d«  par  le  monde"  as  honeat  Pes 
BouaDEiLLxa  sa;S|  who  after  looking  at  her  plain  face  in  tbe  glass, 
f^aid,  bcttutifutly  and  pathetically.  "  1  am  sure  I  should  have  made  a 
good  wife  to  any  man,  if  he  could  but  have  got  over  my  face  1  '*  and 
bewailing  her  maidenhood  in  this  touching  and  srlevs  manner,  saying 
that  she  had  a  heart  full  of  love,  if  anytmdy  would  accept  it,  full  of 
failh  and  devotion,  could  she  but  find  some  man  on  whom  lo  bestow  it; 
she  but  echoed  the  sentiment  which  I  liave  mentioned  above,  and  which 
caused  in  the  pride  of  her  beauty  the  melancboly  of  the  lonely  and  vic- 
torious beauty.  *'  We  are  full  of  love  and  kindnrss,  ye  men !  *'  each 
says;  "of  truth  and  purity.  We  don't  care  ab^ut  ^our  good  looks. 
Could  we  but  fmd  the  right  man,  the  man  who  loved  us  for  ourselves, 
we  would  endow  him  with  all  the  treasures  of  our  liearts,  and  devote 
outlives  to  make  him  happy."  1  admire  and  reverence  Ehminia's 
tears,  and  the  simple  heart-iitricken  pUint  of  the  other  forsakeu  lady. 
She  IS  JEpiiTDAn's  daughter  condeutned  by  no  fault  of  her  own,  but 
doomed  h>  Fa  e  to  disappear  from  aujong  women.  Tho  other  is  a 
queeu  in  her  splendour  to  whom  all  the  Lords  and  Princes  bow  down 
and  pay  worship.  "  Ah  I "  says  she.  "  it  is  to  the  Queen  you  are  kneel- 
ing, all  of  you.  I  am  a  woman  under  this  crown  and  this  ermine.  I 
want  to  be  loved,  and  not  to  be  worshipped  :  and  to  be  allowed  to  love 
is  given  to  everybody  but  me." 

How  much  finer  a  woman's  nature  is  than  a  mau*e  [by  au  Ordinance 
of  Nature  for  the  purposs  no  doubt  devised),  how  much  purer  and  less 
Btnii  al  than  ours,  is  in  that  fact  so  consoling  to  misshapen  men*  to 
ugly  men,  to  little  men,  to  giauty,  to  old  men,  lo  poor  men,  t<>  men 
scarred  with  the  amall-pox,  or  ever  so  ungainly  or  unfortunate— that 
their  ill-looks  or  mishaps  don't  influence  women  regarding  them,  and 
that  the  awkwardest  fellow  has  a  clmccc  for  a  pnse.  Whereas,  when 
we,  brutes  that  we  are,  enter  a  room,  we  sidle  up  naturally  towards 
the  prettiest  woman  ;  it  is  the  pretty  face  and  figure  which  attracts  us ; 
it  is  not  virtue,  or  merit,  or  mem  al  charms,  be  they  ever  so  great.  When 
one  reads  the  lairy  tale  of  Hejiniyand  the  Beast,  bo  one  is  atall  surpiised 
at  Beauty's  being  moved  by  Beast's  gallantry,  and  devotion,  and  true- 
heartedness,  and  rewarding  him  nith  ber  own  love  at  last.  There  was 
hardly  any  need  to  make  him  a  lovely  young  Princo  in  a  gold  dress  under 
bis  boms  and  bearskin.  Beast  as  he  was.  out  good  Bcait,  loyal  Beast, 
brave,  affectionate,  upright,  generous,  enauring  Bea«^  she  would  have 
loved  bis  ugly  mug  wirhout  any  aitrxotion  at  all  Ir.  is  her  naMire  to  do 
so.  God  olees  her.  It  was  a  man  made  the  story,  one  of  those  two-penny- 
halfpenny  men-niilhner  moralistc,  who  think  that  to  have  a  handsome 
person  and  a  title  are  i  be  greatest  gifts  of  fortune,  and  (bat  a  man  u  not 
complete  unless  he  is  a  lord  and  has  slaEed  boots.  Or  it  may  have  been 
that  the  tranb  format  ion  alluded  to  aid  not  actually  take  pLtce,  but  was 
only  spiritual,  and  in  Bcauty'a  mind,  and  that,  seeing  before  her 
loyalty,  bravery,  truth,  and  devotion,  ibey  became  in  her  eyea 
lovely,  and  that  she  hugged  her  Beast  with  a  perfect  contentment 
to  (he  end. 

When  ua;ly  AVli.KF5  said  that  he  wa^  only  a  quarter  of  an  hour 
behtud  the  handiomesl  man  in  KngUind ;  nieaaing  mat  the  charms  of 
his  conteiaation  would  make  him  in  tbat  time  at  a  lady's  side  as 


No.  <«&- 


224 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


Bgreeabia  uid  fasdnating  &s  a  beau,  what  a  oompliment  he  paid  the  whole 
sex !  How  true  it  is.  (not  of  course  applicable  to  itsn,  my  dear  reader 
aad  lucky  dog  who  possess  both  wit  and  the  most  eminent  personal 
attractions,  but  of  the  world  in  general,)  W0  look  for  Beauty :  women 
forXiOve. 

3o,  fair  E&MiNiA,  dry  your  beautiful  eyes  and  submit  to  your  lot,  and 
to  that  adulation  wbic>i  all  men  pay  you :  in  the  midst  of  which  court 
or  yours  the  sovereign  must  perforce  be  lonely.  That  solitude  is  a 
condition  of  your  life,  my  dear  young  lady,  which  mauy  would  like  to 
accept  nor  will  your  dominion  last  much  longer  than  my  LosD 
FaRNCOMBe's,  let  us  lay,  at  tbe  Mansion  House,  wboni  Time  and  the 
ineritable  November  vill  depose.  Another  potentate  will  ascend 
his  thron* :  the  toast-master  will  proclaim  another  name  than  his,  and 
the  cup  will  be  pledged  to  another  lieatth.  As  with  Xubxes  and  all 
bis  courtiers  and  army  at  the  end  of  a  few  years,  as  wii  ti  the  flowers  of 
the  field,  as  with  Lobj)  Pakncombk,  so  with  E&uinia:  were  I 
I^IHOTHKUS  of  the  tuneful  quire,  I  might  follow  out  this  siinile  between 
Lord  Mayors  and  Beauties,  and  with  smooth  rhymes  and  quaint  anti- 
thesis make  a  verse  offering  to  my  fair  youig  lady.  Bu%  Madam,  your 
faithful  PACirico  is  not  a  poet,  only  a  proser :  and  it  is  in  truth,  and 
not  in  numbtrs,  that  he  admires  you. 


CIVILITY  OE  ST.  PAUL'S  SHOWMEN. 

1  liE  public  has  known  for 
some  time  how  re- 
markable for  civility 
and  respectful  de- 
meanour are  the 
Showmen  and  Mo- 
rey -takers  of  the  St. 
Paul's  Cathedral 
Twopenny  Eihibi- 
t  ion.  The  politeness 
and  courtesy  of  these 
aentlemen  have  ai 
length  been  taken 
cognisance  of  by  the 
Court  of  Aldermtn: 
~  at  a  recent  sitting  01 
^  wbicli  worshipful  tri- 
.;  I  bunal,  reported  in 
the  newspapers,  Mk. 

AlJ>£BMAir  H00F£A 

took  occasion  to  say 
on  their  behalf : — 

"A  mora  Impertloeot 
Mt  of  fellows  uflver  mp- 
ueared  aujnrhere  to  per- 
form datles  of  any  klad. 
Bonie  'of  tho  females  of 
my  family  went  to  tho 
Cathedral  on  Sunday  last 
to  hear  Divine  Service, 
tmt  it  was  in  vala  tbey 
applied  to  the  TeTgns  ftar  admission  Into  the  pews  legulaiiy  appropriated  to  the 
aeoommodatlon  of  the  ladles  and  families  of  tbe  Aldenoen.  One  of  these  vulgar, 
liuoleot  feUom  said,  upon  bolnj  remonstrated  with  on  the  sabject,  that  bo  didn't  care 
about  the  AldermeQ.  .  .  In  act,  nothing  could  exceed  tbe  impadence  of  tbe  presum- 
ing brutes" 

This  last  remark,  pace  Aldebhax  Hoofeb,  is  rather  too  strong ;  for 
the  impudence  of  these  ''presuming  brutes"  is  certainly  exceeded  by  that 
of  their  employers  in  deminding  money  for  the  admission  of  the  public 
into  a  national  church.  "  Like  master  like  man ; "  and  capitular  rapacity, 
naturally  enough,  is  imitated  by  extortionate  flunkeydom.  Mb.  Hoopeb 
proceeded  to  state  that— 

"  a  lady  who  happened  to  get  a  seat,  was  surprised  to  see  the  pew  Into  which  she  was 
admitted,  almMt  flited  with  strangers,  who,  no  doubt,  paid  these  fellows  silver  for  the 
prlTllege." 

Begging  Alderkan  Hoofer's  pardon,  we  object  to  calling  the 
sittings  in  SL  Paul's  Cathedral,  pews.  They  are  not  pews^  but  stalls 
and  boxes,  and  you  %tt  admitted  to  t  hem  by  means  of  the  ordinary  silver 
key,  that  is  to  say,  by  tipping  the  box-keeper.  To  leave  their  servants 
to  eke  oat  their  remuneration  by  picking  up  money  in  this  scampish 
kind  of  way  would  be  discreditable  to  the  management  of  any  decent 
theatre,  and  is  in  the  highest  degree  scandalcus  to  that  of  such  a  House 
as  St.  Paul's. 

The  subject  of  Aldkbkan  Hoopeb's  complaint  has  been  referred  to 
the  Gk>mmittee  of  Privileges,  and  now  that  the  showfolks  of  St.  Paul's 
have  insulted  the  family  of  an  Alderman,  perhaps  they  will  be  brought 
to  their  senses.  

Bahqukt  to  M.  ScBiBB.~Gertain  distinguished  translators  of  tbe 
Dramatic  Authors'  Society  propose  to  gire  M.  Sobibb  a  dinner.  This 
is  the  least  they  can  do,  seeing  the  many  dinners  he  has  given  them. 


THE  PKINCE'S  PETITION. 

Pitt  the  troubles  of  a  poor  youtu;  Prince, 
Whose  cosily  sbKeme  has  horde  m^  to  your  doot  t 
Who  *8  in  a  fix — the  matter  not  to  mince — 
Oh,  help  him  out,  and  Commerce  swell  your  store ! 

This  empty  hat  my  awkward  case  bespeaks^ 
These  blank  subscription-lists  explain  my  fear ; 
Days  follow  days,  and  weeks  succeed  to  weeks. 
But  very  few  contributors  appear. 

Yon  house,  whose  walls  with  casements  tall  abound. 
With  look  of  affluence  drew  me  from  the  road  \ 
But  Grumbling  there  a  residence  had  found. 
Light  was  60  pUguy  dear  at  that  abode. 

tiard  was  the  answer,  and  the  cut  was  sore; 
Here,  where  I  hoped  for  good  a  pound  a  head, 
A  niaid-of-all-work  drove  me  from  the  door, 
"  We  pays  too  much  for  Winder-Tax !  "  she  said. 

Oh,  never  mind  your  high1j;-rated  dome ! 
Time  hastens  on :  a  vear  will  soon  have  roll'd : 
Down  with  your  dust,  ve  generous  people,  come. 
Or  else  I  shall  be  regularly  sold. 

I'll  not  conceal  how  deep  will  be  my  grief 

If  liberality  don't  touch  your  breast, 

And  failure,  for  the  want  of  kind  relief. 

Should  swamp  a  grand  design,  as  mine 's  confess'd. 

Station  brings  duties :  why  should  we  repine  ? 
Station  has  brought  nm  to  the  scrape  you  see ; 
And  your  condition  might  have  been  Uke  mine, 
llie  child  of  Banter  and  of  Baiilery. 

A  great  success  I  though^  would  be  my  lot, 
When,  for  a  lark,  I  broach'd  my  plan,  one  mom ; 
But  an !   Taxation  to  such  height  has  got, 
That  I'm  afraid  tbe  thing  will  fall  siill-born. 

The  Inconie-Tax,  that  burden  of  the  age. 
Narrows  the  comforts  of  so  mauy  a  home, 
That  people  can't  afford  me  patronage, 
And  I  am  doom'd  for  charity  to  roam. 

The  tirenome  duties  that  on  knowledge  bear. 
Retained  by  Government's  unwise  decree, 
A  farthing  will  not  let  the  poor  man  spare 
To  aid  All  Nations'  Industry  and  me. 

Pity  the  troubles  of  a  poor  young  Prince, 
Whose  costly  scheme  has  borne  him  to  your  door; 
Who 's  in  a  fix — the  matter  not  to  mince — 
Oh,  help  him  out,  and  Commerce  swell  your  store ! 


Eminent  Services.' 


Tub  Qlohe  says  :- 

"A  ro^al  sign  manual  warrant  has  just  been  issued  graotiug  a  pension  of  S5I.  a  yeai 
to  Mb8.  Harbibt  WaoBOHK,  widow  of  the  late  Lieotumaht  Tuomas  Waohohx,  '  In 
consideration  of  the  eminent  services  of  her  late  husband.' " 

There  was  a  Lieutenant  Waghoen  who  wore  out  his  life  in 
achieving  the  noblest  work,  bringing  !Eagland  and  India  within  a  few 
weeks  together.  It  is  plain,  however,  that  this  is  not  the  Waohobh 
whose  widow  is  pensioned  into  something  less  than  ten  shillings  a  week. 
We  mav  be  wrong,  but  we  have  a  strong  suspicion  that  the  Quben's 
rat-catcber  was  named  Waghobm;  though,  as  we  have  not  heard  of  the 
death  of  that  functionary,  we  are  somewhat  puzzled  by  a  pension  granted 
to  his  widow.  

NAPLES^  SOAP. 

The  Kino  op  Napias  has  given  a  place  in  his  court  to  the  son  of 
a  gentleman-^  correspondent  for  an  English  news;}aper ;  the  corres- 
pondent having,  for  some  months,  "written  np"  his  Majesty.  And 
now  oomes  the  appointment :  Naples  soap  for  Insh  blarney. 


Legal  Wool  Oathering. 

LoBD  John  Eussbll  took  the  greatest  pains  to  prevail  upon  Ijobd 
Lanodalb  to  resi^  the  permanent  Mastership  of  the  Bolls,  and  ftOoe|it 
the  unstable  position  of  Lord  Chancellor.  The  Premier  paid  very  Uch 
compliments  to  the  talent  and  learning  of  liOBD  liAHGDALB,  who  druy 
requested  XjOBD  John  to  desist  from  flattering,  inasmuch  as  "  so  long  aa 
he»  LoBD  Lamgjdale,  enjoyed  tho  Rolls,  he  cared  little  for  the  butter." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


225 


A    BIT    OF    MY    MIND. 


lots. 


BIT  THE  SEVENTH. 

MOUSER,   AS   OWE   OT  TTII  XJtGLISH   MATHOlf*'   HpTTXlfTOT 
SOCUTT,   IS  BHAararULLT   PtClITBD. 


pERnA]>s  nerer  woman  was  so  iDsnltod — yes,  instilted  is  tJiBword; 
insulted,  laughed  at,  made  a  fael  of,  besides  1)finfc  woundrd  in  ber 
fenderest  feelinRi,  pjty  and  rompns^ion  for  her  fellow-oreatiires. 
especially  the  fellow-cpeatnrfu  Ihat  are  dark  atid  dmiant— never,  I  will 
fay  it,  was  a  woman  ever  so  played  upon  by  her  htKhnnd,  a  person, 
plain  PDongh,  tba'.  is  sworn  to  love,  honour,  and  protect  her— (by  the 
w»y.  if  wotiieu  had  bad  the  ntaking  of  ihts  marrlaKe  service,  wowldu't 
they — as  aunt  Peacock  used  to  sa^ — wouldn't  ihty  hare  put  in  a  few 
more  locks  and  holta  on  Iheir  own  sjde?) — 

Well,  never  wm  woman  so  played  upon,  as  Mocser  has  put  npon 
niel  It  was  just  three  weeks  aco  Mmt  1  went  wiih  Mrs.  Horx- 
jtLowEH  and  her  two  sisters,  and  Mrs.  Macaw,  »nd  Mr-a.  GBirriTirs— 
there  were  six  of  ns,  and  we'd  tskeu  a  fly  among  us,  to  go  and  pay  our 
sub^criplions  to  Ihe  Society  against  Cruelty  to  Animals— ju'tt  three 
weeks  ago.  that,  coming  back,  »e  went  into  Exeter  Uall— killing  two 
bi^d5^  as  Mouher  sneered,  wiih  one  fly—to  Esfter  Halt,  to  the  Annual 
Mee'mgof  our  body,  the  Kpglish  Matrons'  Infant  Hottentot  Society  I 
As  Mjia.  CossETT  oosenred— no;  that  I  like  the  woman,  for  I  know,  if 
she  could,  she 'd  send  her  Piisey  Tracts  among  our  dear  little  Kaffirs, 
poisoning  'em— is  the  Rev.  Mr.  ^iWTur.cn  piously  preaches— 
poisoning  'em  in  their  vital  sourer — still,  as  Mrs.  Cossett  observed, 
such  a  meeting  was  an  earnest  of  Eden.  I  never  cried  with  such 
pleasure  in  all  my  life.  For  that  dear  AIr.  SrirrNrxK  winds  round  the 
feelings— as  1  told  Mouser,  who  only  laughed— hke  a  convolvulus 
round  a  rose!  And  what  did  he  sayP  What  did  he  call  us? 
"Lilies  of  women" — said  he— "women  with  hearts  that  beat  on 
the  other  aide  of  the  ocean  ;  with  arms  that,  stretching  across 
seaa,  raise  the  little  Hottentot  from  the  dnst,  and  dandle  liim  into 
reason.  How  many  children  Imve  vc  P  "  cried  Mr,  Stdtkeck,  and  his 
voice  made  me  sweeily  shiver  like  a  silver  trumpet — "how  many 
children,  every  woman  heref*  —  al  which  Miss  Potts  and  Miss 
WrwKs  did  stare — "1  don't  mean  the  children,  nuralinBS  of  yonr 
own  hearth  !  The  creatures  bom  in  comfort,  nestled  in  luiurv,  and 
running  alone  in  happiness— I  don't  mean  your  own  white  children — 
I  donH  count  them— 1  don't  (hink  of  ihem.  Certainly  not :  I  should 
despise  myself  if  I  did.  But  I  mean  how  many  black  children  have  yef 
How  many  offspring,  bom  of  your  charity,  and  wet  and  dry  nursed  on 
)Our  benevolence?  This,  indeed,  is  a  family  to  bo  proud  of.  Oh,  my 
sisters !  is  it  not  delightful  to  feel  that  )ou  bare  in  the  middle  ot  Africa 
a  family  you  can't  count  F  Is  not  this  something  to  sleep  upon  P  Tou 
-The  English  Matron**  Infant  Hottentot.  Society — you  have  sent  in  the 
last  year  tea  thousand  books  to  the  Hottentots.  Say  that  one  book 
upraises  only  ten  children— and  the  Cfllculation  is  only  too  modest  and 
too  moderate — that  one  iimkes  only  ten— why,  then,  niy  beloved  women, 
you  have  among  ?e  one  liundred  thousand  infantft  to  whom  you  all  are 
nursing  mothers  !  Thmk  o(  that,  sisters— let  that  thought  accompany 
ye  to  your  hearths ;  let  that  recollccionlM)  with  you,  when  you  look 
upon  your  white  families,  the  lily->kinned  brothers  and  sisters  of  your 
own  black  Hortentots,  Ten  hundred  thousand  children,  my  beloved 
women,  and  share  them  all  among  ye!"  There  wasn't  a  dry  eye  in 
the  plftcCi  except,  indeed,  t/iat  Mrs.  Prixce  who  makes  it  a  point  to 
cry  at  nobody  but  Mr  Locust.  And  dear  Mr.  Sti/fnecs's  (fiscoarse 
went  home  with  me,  every  word  of  it ;  and  1  did  not  hing  but  think  of 
mv  dear  little  black  children— the  little  sooty  darlings  in  the  middle  of 
Africa,  among  thousand  elephants— while  my  own— but  I  won't  draw 
comparisons.  I  can't  bear  it. 

"  Isn't  it  beautiful  ? "  enid  I  to  Mousbr,  "  to  be  sitting  here  at  our 
own  fireside,  and  to  know  that  ont'a  hjcait,  like  a  dove,  as  Ma.  JsTirr- 
KECK  says,  is  flying  aboul,  carryirur  leaves- ihat  is,  books— among  llie 
blacks  ten  thousand,  thousand  miles  awayP  It's  a  beauiful  tning, 
isn't  it-,  Mouser  f"  And  what  did  he  answer?— But  it  only  shows  the 
narrow-mindedness  of  the  otiier  sex  in  general.  "Amelia,"  said  he, 
"if  you  have  any  aupcrfluj^y  o(  maternal  affection,  I  do  think  you  may 
find  little  negroes  nearer  home  than  Africa.  Suppose  you  tried  some 
of  the  courts  in  Wiiitechapcl,— made  a  visit  in  a  few  of  the  alleys  in 
Spitalfields.  You'd  find  negroes  there— with  this  difference,  thai  the 
misemblc  creatures  are  blacn  and  all  black  iniide— with  minds  as  dark 
asEUiiops'  faces!" 

(But  that 's  so  like  Motjsee— indeed,  not  to  be  too  hard  upon  my 
own  husband,  it 's  like  all  of  'em— *  woman  isn't  allowed,  as  aunt  Pea- 
cock used  to  say,  to  exjwind  her  feelinipB  upon  broad  humanity,  the 
Itttie-minded  creatures  think  it  so  much  love  and  duty  taken  from  Uieru- 
selves.  They'd  have  a  woman's  affections,  like  the  tire-irona,  never 
budge  from  iheir  own  hearth— which  I  c*ll  poor  and  narrow.) 

"Mouser,"  said  I,  "you  don't  know  what  true  benevolence  is. 
You  don't  know  what  a  soul-apraiiing,  and  heart  over6owmg  delight  it 


M,  as  Mr.  Btwtkick  says"~(ind  then  Mot  rkr  i>'it  a  word  upon 
STrrFNBCK  'hftt,  ihe  ink  would  tura  red  if  l  to  put  it  npon 

paper)—"  what  a  glow  it  is  to  the  very  finpc  'lie  eoul,  |o  sit 

hvre  under  a  Chrisrian  roof,  and  to  know  tiiat  you  rue  pouring  down 
upon  Africa,  and  China,  and  Mesopotamia,  and  the  Grea'.  Desert,  and 
Araby  Stony— pouring  down  books  like  snow;  book*  for  the  bfccks, 
and  reds,  and  tawnies— l>ookB  for  men,  and  women,  an4  ch'hJren,  not 
only  bUck,  aa  you  sneer  upon  one— but  for  the  btiighted  of  all 
colours." 

"Very  beautiful,  no  doubt."  said  Modser,  with  tbat  horrid  torn  of 
the  corner  of  his  lip.  when  1  know  somethinR's  coming ;  "  very  upraising. 
as  yon  call  it;  slill,  1  think,  if  you'd  only  Uid  out  the  samp  money 
you  've  jjaid  in  books  lor  the  infant  Hottentots  and  suckiuir  Bosiesgians, 
— tlie  same  money  in  soap,  for  the  blacks  at  hon.e,  you  'd  have  bepun  at 
Ihe  better  end.  Depend  upon  it.  Amelia,  soap  is  ihe  first  thing,  the 
prcat  letter  A  in  ilie  alphsbet  of  all  social  improventent :  muck  won't 
be  tauKtit,  and  hunger— for  with  soap  goes  bread— and  Lunger  wuii't 
be  lectured,"  Hud  Modber- though  he's  my  own  husband— had 
Modser  been  bora  a  Hottentot,  before  the  Matrons'  Society  was 
estahli^hed  he  couldn't  have  been  more — but  no;  every  woaiiQi'J 
husband  is  her  own  burthen,  and  I  'll  bear  mine,  and  say  nothing. 

This,  however,  1  must  make  known— the  shameful  Irick  ;  the 
unfeeling  Bix>rt,  and  worse  than  Caribbean  cnielty- (the  words  ate  not 
mine,  but  Mn.  f^irvPNEf  k's)  that  he  played  off,  only  three  days  ago, 
upon  me.  1  'd  been  looking  over  the  Report  of  our  Hottentot  Sister- 
hood, and  was  sitiing  with  my  eye  upon  the  tiger  in  the  hearth-rUg, 
and  my  thoughts  were  Hying  away  among  the  cocoa-trcea  and  aiigar- 
CJines,  and  I  was  thinking  to  myself— whilst  my  heart  warmed  again— 
what  ft  deal  of  good  my  lost  two-pound  ten— (and  I'm  sure  if  anybody 
wants  a  new  gown.  I  sm  that  very  woman)— what  a  deal  of  good  my 
subscription  wm  doing  in  Africa,  and  perhaps  in  Mesopotamia^  when 
the  door  ran  open,  and  one  of  the  sweetest  little  black  boys  ran  m,  and 
fell  upon  his  knees  at  mv  feet,  and  lifted  np  his  hands  and  saia.  in  the 
most  tffec'ing  broken  English- "Bnckra  lady ;  ain't  1  a  little  boy, 
and  a  son  ?  " 

1  'd  hardly  risen  from  my  chair,  when  Mouser  followed  the  child 
into  Ihe  room.  "There,  Ameua,'*  said  he— "there's  a  forlorn  UltTe 
bit  of  cbon^,  fresh  from  the  Hue  of  Benin"— some  horrid  monster,  ai  I 
thought — '  tresh  ironi  the  Bite,  he's  been  saved  by  a  miraclo  and  one 
of  t  he  African  squadron,  and  as  one  of  the  Matrons  of  the  Hottentots, 
you  may  drv-nnrse  and  protect  him." 

Who  *il  nave  thought  that  a  woman's  own  husband  would  sport 
with  the  feelings  of  his  owu  wife !     But  let  me  go  on. 

As  I  looked  at  the  poor  little  bUck— for  he  was  as  black  m  the  very 
coal  in  the  scuttle,  and  his  hair  as  woollv  as  a  black  lamfi's  hack — sa 
Hooked  at  him,  I  thought  to  myself,  "  tVon'r  it  be  a  treat  aud  « 
triumph  over  iAat  Mrs.  Cossett  to  take  this  little  burning  brand  to  her 
platform  of  the  Hall,  and  ciamine  him  in  the  face  of  the  worid, 
showing  how  1  've  opened  his  mind,  ai  d  formed  his  principles ! 

"The  blessed  darling,"  said  I.  "where,  Mou.ser- where  did  you 
find  this  precious  cast-away  ?  if  1  won't  iiave  his  picure  taken  for  our 
next  }Uporr,  I'm  not  a  bit  belter  than  a  heathen.  Where  rfirfyou  find 
him  P  "  "  You  shall  know  all  about  that,  Akeua,"  said  WorsER ;  "  but 
now  he 's  here,  what  are  you  going  to  do  wirh  him  P  "  "  Ttie  precious 
dove,"  said  I :  "of  course,  eiamine  him."  Whereupon  I  was  going  lo 
try  him  m  a  few  questions— prcliiiiinary,  as  Mr.  Stitpneck  says,  and 
such  aa  he  rrcommenda — when  Mouser  said,  "My  aear,  l«l  me  advise 
yuu  fo  try  bread  first,  soap  afterwards,  and  then  the  scboolmistrejis  if 
you  please." 

Well,  just  to  humour  Mouser,  I  had  up  a  beautiful  cold  chicken — 
one  of  two  that  was  left  yesterday — a  bit  of  broiled  bam,  a  gooseberry 
tart,  and  li&lf-a-dozen  custards.  As  the  awcet  HmIc  negro  eat  up  every 
bi',  my  only  wish  wa«,  that  all  the  Hottentot  Matrons  had  been  there  to 
see  him. 

"  And  now,  he  *s  got  his  bellyroll,"  said  MorsER,  "let  me  prescribe 
the  soap."  It  was  against  my  principles,  for  1  won'cd  to  ru^li  into  the 
examination,  but  to  let  him  luve  bis  own  way,  I  nojg  the  bell,  and  ae&l 
the  black  boy  in'o  the  wash-house. 

Well,  he'd  been  gone  about  half  an  hour,  and  I'd  been  looking ftt 
our  Hottentot  Tracts  to  open  the  negro  mind,  when  the  child— tbft 
wicked  little  impostor- as  white  and  as  clean  as  a  new-washed  babv, 
witii  brown  hair  and  blue  eyes,  and  a  leer  itpon  his  saucy  little  face,  as 
if  he  knew  he'd  cheated  me,  and  gloried  m  it, — when  a  white  boy,  a 
real  native  of  Whitechapel,  ran  in,  and  tumbling  hc&d-over-heels  upon 
the  rug,  began  to  sing,—*'  Qh,  Susannah,  don't  you  cry  for  me  ! " 
"  You  good-for-nothing  creature !  What  are  you  P  '^  said  I. 
"  1  'm  one  of  the  Hottentot  singers,  and  here  s  my  wig:"  whereupon 
he  pulled  out  the  curiy  thing,  and  shook  it  in  my  face. 

'  A  miserable  creature,"  saidMousRR,  "with  no  home  but  the  gutter 
—no  bread  but " — 

"  Don't  talk  to  me,"  said  I,  "a  little  good-for-nothing  white  impo»tor,** 
and  with  tltat  didnH  I  turn  the  vennin  into  the  street  P  If  1  didn't,  mj 
name  is  not 

Yoon,  truly  (ill-nsed), 

AXZLU  MoUBBTt. 


4 


I 


mo^Mi 


MEETINC 


THE    INDUSTRIOUS    BOY. 

"Please  to  Remember  the  Exposition." 


Pitt  Uie  troubU*  of  «  poor  youog  Tnucc, 
Whose  eo*i\f  Khetue  his  borne  him  to  your  door, 
Wbo'*  in  ft  fix — tho  mattei-  not  to  minc« — 
Oh,  help  him  out,  %ai  Comucrco  fwvll  jrour  ttoro  t 


Tblff  empty  fait  n\y  awkward  cue  Leipcaki, 
Theie  bItDk  lubicnption-liati  cxpUin  ixt  fear; 
Daji  follow  dB)^  and  weeki  laccccd  to  wccki, 
But  fvTj  few  ceDiribuUrn  appear. 


Btalion  biinfti  duliM:  why  tbould  we  rcpint^ 
Station  lni»  troiigbt  mc  to  the  lUle  yoii  •«; 
And  your  condition  might  Imte  been  UkvnilfMi 
The  child  of  Buter  aod  of  RtUlery. 


I 


THE    INDUSTRIOUS    BOY. 


a 


Please  to  Remember  the  Exposition,' 


Pin  the  trouble!  of  a  poor  joung  Priurc, 
WhoM  cottly  icljeuie  Hm  bonie  hiin  to  your  door, 
Wbo'i  in  a  fix — iho  maltcr  not  to  mince — 
Ob(  b*lp  him  out,  and  Conuusrco  imll  ^onr  llor*  I 


Tbii  empty  hat  my  awkward  out  beipfiki, 
TIicK  blank  lubKtipliun-lUta  explain  my  fear; 
Dayt  follow  days,  and  weeks  succeed  to  wocka^ 
Bui  very  few  conthbaton  appear. 


Station  bringa  dulioa :  wby  kboold  wo  replno^ 
gtation  liM  bronnht  me  to  tbe  tialo  you  ace; 
Atid  vo«T  c«r.»Uiion  mijbt  liavr  betn  Uke  mina, 
Tbe  c^t^d  o(  Baiitet  aod  of  lUUlerr, 


m 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    PRIVILEGE    OF    PIC-NICS. 


To  the  DcKB  OP  CAitBRiUGE,  Rangct  of  Rkhmond  Park, 

Mat  r  flxabx  xoub  Royal  HieUKEss.— 

li  is  one  of  your  many  distiofituisliinfp  virtues  th&t  you  love  a 
good  dinner.  1  h&ve  eeen  you  mwiy  Imics  exercisinp  Ibat  Iovb  with  a 
QcarliaeBk  that  would  pu*  bowcU  into  a  luuiumy.  Yuu  arr,  I  under- 
Btand,  to  bo  punted  as  a  jorial  Uriabeus  [or  the  refrenhrueai  room  cf 
the  Uouse  of  Loiua,  wtlh  a  hundred  jolly  fac«s  sniilinfr,  gloving, 
reddening,  lipsniackiog,  over  a  hundred  dtffereDl  plates, — and  a  liutidrrd 
handa  earring  the  hunHrcd  delicuoiea  of  the  four  seasons.  Macij&£  is 
to  do  the  heads;  and  Lakd&eku  the  roasl  pigs,  ducks,  geese,  and  all 
the  other  animals  thai  couiLuuHlly  couie  whole  to  dinner.  Ijaurie  is 
it^en  of  for  the  fruit;  and  the  mouths  of  unborn  men  will  water  at 
his  grapes,  his  pines,  his  peaches,  and  his  mr-lons.  All  this  is  right — 
admiraole;  in  excellent  taste:  worthy  of  the  House  of  Lords,  and 
wisely  cnmnicntorative  of  your  Royal  JllghncM's  knife-and-fork  ame- 
nities.  No  man  has  eaten  more  dinners  in  tlte  cause  of  charity,  and 
until  the  end  of  vour  dajB — ihat.  l«,  if  an  end  shall  ever  he— may  gout 
reBpcctfidly  avoid  you !  May  the  dtruiou  never  shake  so  much  as  your 
lit  le  loe,  and  indigcftlion  liold  you  in  profoundest  reverence  !    But 

But,  your  Uoval  Highnesf,  is  it  possible  that,  as  lUnger  of  Ilichmoud 
Park,  you  forbid  the  Uying  of  a  table-cioih  on  the  greensward,  and— by 
ni^an*  of  your  keepers — carrv  consternation  into  the  hearts  of  parties 
pic-nic  P  Is  Ibis  right  of  lite  Duub  oy  Caudbidgb- the  Duke  of  the 
rrceuiasoufc'  Tavern — of  the  Loudon  ditto — of  the  Crown  and  Anchor 
— iLe  Tlia'ched  House — the  Clarendon — the  Blue  Posts— the  Elepbnnt 
fiDtl  Cas'le — the  Pij^-ncd-Wliistlf,  nud  all  the  oHit  hoifelrirs  ?  (to  be 
duly  noted  by  PjsTiiit  Cl'NNJ.vguam  in  his  new  Kni/e-wtd-hlrk-Book  &/" 
London,) — whose  fooftrees  have  rei>ounded  to  your  laugli,  whose  hrtt 
and  pt.tates  have  stiakea  their  aides  at  youriuexhauslible  llow  of  humour 
— your  catarac' s  of  wit  P 

Can  jour  Koyul  H'ghoess  eDJoy  your  green  pent  with  the  fnislo  that 
ou  and  green  ptub  arc  cquftllv  wurtliy  o',  — lellecling  that  a  H'climond 

ark-kecper  has  warntnl  olf  John  Stubbs,  tailor,  iA9».  Stuuds,  and 
children,— MBii.  Stubbs  laving  laid  the  clolh  upon  Kiehu^ond  grwd, 
and  about  to  Uy  upon  timt.  a  sweet  bit  of  cold  Iamb  with  her  first  goose- 
bdrry  pie  of  the  season  P  Is  this  wise — is  it  just — \a  it  kind,  your 
Koyal  HighoF-asf  In  a  Mord,  is  it  like  the  jollv,  good-lieurled  Oukk 
(if  Caiuikiggk?  WbHt.!  ihHll  the  ctiamiwgne  ix\vi.  and  loam  to  your 
ro>«J  iiiuuth  a',  the  I'Vcemasons',  and  fliall  not  bolLled  ^wrter  cry  "  pop  " 
tuii  tffftni/ui  faffi  m  Ilichmoud  shades  P  Yet  this  notice,  like  a  death's 
head,  btarea  and  niookiugly  grins  in  tlie  lengthened  (aces  of  perplexed 
hoUday  •makers : — 


V, 


y 


BICHUOND    PARK. 

NOTICE. 


I^ffwns  riding  or  Aiiviug  In  Uie  Park  are  rBtjiusted  to  koep  Um  linn  of  the  gtmval- 
rcAdn.  If  rldto^  or  driving  OTor  llio  ct&sb  aciom  tho  Parle,  tney  win  be  cuiuililered  m 
tn-t>ucer«,  ud  deftlt  with  ikc<c>or«llDSiy.  //  h*nv  art  uktn  «f  Jrom  oktUmi,  I4<i 
jkMer*  and  omMtahttt  hm>9  tyrdrri  to  impcwt4  M«m.  No  dog«  ftdmlttad  unlew  tncf  are 
M    All  doga  fpond  bunUog  or  •tnsgUng  will  b*^bot. 

We  have  a  respect  for  the  English  crown— especially  regard  the 
gracious  geuMewoman  who  adorns  it, — and  that  we  have  a  respect, 
we  have  in  proportion  a  sorrow  to  see  the  crown  placed  as  a  scarecrow 
to  homely  happiness. 

And  so,  your  Royal  Uigbness,  you  will  immediately  think  the  maHer 
over,  and  we  doubt  not  even  ere  the  chcainuta  shall  have  dropt  their 
blosaoios — (what  a  glorv.  what  a  floral  illuoauAtion,  while  we  write,  is 
burning  in  Busny  Parkl)- the  ugly  notjce  frowning  above  will  be  taken 
down ;  and  iu  its  place,  the  notice  subjoined,  with  the  iiluatialions 
faithfully  copied :— 

i_ .  T  .  L 

KICHliOND    PAKK. 

NOTIOB. 

Persona  coming  here,  are  ordered  to  enjoy  themselves.  They  are 
commanded,  as  faithful  subjects,  to  bring  with  them  an  ample  supply  of 


the  heat  Liicy  nkn  alTord  of  meat  and  dritik 
pogite,  to  colli  uiuttou  and  tattled  porter. 


from  veaisou  and  oham- 


Hot  water,  for  tea  parties,  is  to  b«  Wi  gratiB  at  the  Lodge  Snm  tho 
DcKK  01  Caubjudoe's  own  tea-kettle. 


OOOD  UKALTH  M  *" 

N.  B.  Parlies  are  eamcslly  rtquested  not  to  leave  their  bones  behin* 
Please  to  pick  up  the  corks  [  and— in  coniideration  of  the  deer*!  feet 
— leave  no  broken  glau, 

ItMi  Reyimi :  Otod  Aiffhl^  and Haj/j4/  DrtuiM, 

Thi?,  may  it  please  your  llnyal  Highncsn,  N  the  sort  of  notice  for  a 
demesne,  of  wh)ch  the  jolly  Duu  of  Cailbbidge  is  Hanger,  and  thia 
notice— ho  eipeots— will  gladden  hia  eyes,  when  Richmond  Park  to 
uex^  visited, 

By  your  Humble  Be^Hll^  Friend,  and  Councillor, 


ntlAM/lTIC  KKWS. 

The  KefoYofk  LUt  astounding  piece  of  newa: 

nothing  leas  than  a  s  ;i  dramaiic  authors — (how 

many  authors  would  ha  itii  ii  9>hr  once  broke  out  between  the  Pakia 
Royal  and  the  BnrlingLon  Arcade)— inteml  to  "hold  their  work?,"  that 
19,  not  to  print  them  ;  m  order  that  American  managers  may  not  pUy 
' bem  co«t-free.  What  a  notable  device!  Why,  before  Siit  Bulwkr 
Lytton's  Acl,  miuir  dranmtitis  did  no',  print  their  piece*;  and  what 
was  the  result  P  Why,  miserable  garbled  copteH  were  obtained  bv  a 
go-between  ngeuf,  and  tlius  tbe  aull)Oi::>  wrro  not  only  robbed,  but 
murdered.  So  would  it  fare  with  authors  who  nominally  "hold  their 
works"  in  Kngland ;  being  really  plundered  and  bu'chered  by  the 
A inericsn  managers;  n-ost  of  whom,  oy  the  way,  are  Englishmen;  and 
therefore  may  believe  they  hare  a  patriotic  right  to  defraud  their  coun- 
trymen of  their  own. 


All  Up  with  the  Beds. 

Tj1£  Pariftiaa  Boulevards  are  to  be  macadamised — not  so  much  for 
the  purpose  of  tuaking  the  poputaiion  mend  their  ways,  but  in  order 
that  the  general  breaking-up  of  (he  large  stoneb  may  prevent  the 
success  of  any  I'ulute  outbreak.  M.^cadam  is  the  great  enemy  of  the 
lurricaies  afier  all,  since  his  invention  «iil  be  the  cause  of  a  apUt  or 
general  break-up  of  those  constant  friends  to  the  Red  parly— the 
paving-stones  of  the  Metropolis.  The  apirit,  or  ra'her  the  unhappy 
ghost  of  poor  Liberty  will  in  vain  call  upon  the  very  stonea  to  rise  in 
Pans,  aa  they  have  often  risen  before  on  formet  occasions. 


THE  CHARTTY-SCHOOL  OF  AET. 

Ora  olfactory  moral  Et-nsc  is  greatly  outraged  by  a  number  of  ea* 
graving*,  to  be  seen  in  nlmost  evcrv  iiriti' shop  window,  representing 
charity  cliildren  in  various  devo  res.    Tbe  vile  odour  pro- 

ceediug  fn^m   rh»8«   works    i«    '  rriid    tlagiHrisni.   mingled 


with  the 

parochial. 

three  cboi 

ideulised  : 

popular.     . 

cliarity  ohiUien.  tuale  and 


'■     '  iient,  which  ^iled 

is  publi^lu'.'  ,  mg 

....     -  .iLip.  L.-[.:ienien  of  li.^-  ^.M■Jil    *ere 

iiitg  wai  rhUier  pretty,  and   became  Ttry 

n   has  been  over-run  with  engravings  of 

(cmale,  sajing  their  pmyers,  and  repeating 


colltctB  and  responses.    Kvery  clause  iu  the  Belief  is  Ibrtalencd  with 
being  illustrated  in  this  natiseoos  manner. 

One  idea  has  bcfn  successful,  and,  as  n^ual,  a  boat  of  imitative 
speculators  set  to  work  to  produce  "  something  like  it,**  On  the  same 
mean  principle,  fiome  snob  a  sbort  time  ago^nfaea  GeoaoB  GnuiCK- 
SUANK  had  treatrd  us  to  '  Tbe  Bottir,"  was  understoo'l  to  contemplate 
bringing  out  "The  Bible."  There  is  something  peculiarly  disgusting 
in  the  attempt  to  get  a  **  run"  out  of  the  Scripturca  and  the  Book  of 
Comoaou  Prayer^  and  ia  trjing  trade  **  dodges"  on  the  religious  aym- 
pathiea  of  the  pubiio.  SuAeradd  to  thi^tKefciiigularoffeusivrueBsof  the 
appeal  to  that  vulgarity  of  tast«  and  feeling  wmcb  is  gratilicd  by  tbe 
exhibition  of  chanty  children,  iu  their  ridiculooa  and  deirradiog  cottiun^ 
playing  pretty.     Seemingly,  there  are  peraons  whoae  ideas  of  Art  are 


330 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI 


darived  titenllr  from  ths  National  School. 
Artiit  baa  been  bo  kind  u  to  draw  tbeie 


For  the  expreaa  delectation  of  snob,  our 


I 


Sfnthnental  (ffljarltg  Uogs, 


who  tpeak  truthftiUy  for  tbemselvee.  iusfcad  of  clisutiuR  or  cantinf?.  To  iliete 
three  Graoea  of  the  "  CLaritable  Grinders/'  our  said  Artist,  with  a  marTelloui 
appreciation  of  the  clans  of  mind  to  which  he  addresses  himself,  has  added  a 
parooliiol  Apollo  in  the  shtpe  of  a 


N 


i^ockatiaidical  iSeablt. 

■Hf  be  tah\f  reeommended  aa  a  study  to  the  n? ccMttoas  draQirhtsmen,  wltose 
'  reftourcea  haa  driTsn  thetn  to  throw  themselTca  on  The  pftHih. 


LBGTSIiATIVE  LTTTLENERS. 

The  new  House  of  Commons,  though  intended  for  the 
making  of  Statulei  at  Ur(^,  is  so  constructed  as  to  render 
nrcessfirytlte  makinff  of  statues  in  little.  &m  Bcvj^aiiH 
Hall  bavinif  vi6it*d  The  studio  of  a  nculp'or  employed  on 
tite  stone  fifcure^,  intended  to  adom  ibe  whIIs  of  PArliaiurn\ 
wss  struck  by  tbe  fact  tiiat  many  of  the  greatest  charaoters 
of  English  bistory  appear  so  reniarkably  narrow-shouldered, 
that  tliey  could  never  have  sustained  the  weight  of  iheir 
own  he»d%  niucli  less  the  weight  of  public  affairs,  that 
bad  been  tbruwn  upon  them. 

When  Sir  Benjamtv  asked  for  an  eiplanation,  he  waa 
informed  that  lbs  statutes  had  been  made  to  nieasurr, 
according  to  certain  niches  allowei  by  the  architect,  who 
leaving  ample  room  for  the  stretching  of  tbe  legs,  bad  pro- 
vided Tor  extremely  conlracted  chests,  among  the  illiistnous 
individuals  whom  the  artist  had  undertaken  to  chisel.  The 
result  is,  tlut  nmny  of  the  statues  will  have  the  appearaoce 
of  sugar-luHTes ;  and  most  of  the  distinguished  men  will 
seem  as  if  ihey  had  hern  purposely  pinioned  or  trussed  for 
the  roasting  tlut  cnitciEm  will  Lnllici  upon  them. 

It  is  vtry  liard  upon  such  a  man  as  IIamfdbn,  for  in- 
stance,  to  be  limited  to  a  few  inches  from  sboutder  to 
shoulder,  when  in  life  he  demanded  elbow-room  for  a'), 
and  won  bis  Gelebril>[.  bv  his  regard  for  liberal  measures. 
Historical  accuracy  will  be  much  impaired  hy  the  placing 
<f  various  political  characters  in  suob  a  posilioa  as  to 
leave  Ibemiioroom  to  luin  rr.ufld,  though  they  may  have 
been  notorious  for  their  adroitness  in  that  movement. 
Some  of  the  stalues  liave  been  to  ouruiled  of  their  fair 
proportions  by  the  regulations  as  to  t>ize,  that  the  well- 
known  political  watchword  of  "  Measures,  not  men," 
would  be  applicable  to  the  greater  part  of  theui. 


WAR  TO  THE  KNIFE  AND  FORK. 

A  BANQtnsT  was  lately  held  in  aid  of  the  furds  of  King's 
College  HoBpilal.  and  tbe  fulloning  notice  was  publiihed 
for  several  da)s  afterwards: — 

KINO'S  COtXEOB   HOSPITAI^ 

"  Nonn.— Tbe  hftts  and  onau  Ivft  at  Uio  dloDvr  of  th*  abovi  Ho«- 
pltml,  IwTfl  been  rcaioved  to  tbe  Hoipltal." 

Such  was  the  energy  and  enthusiasm  of  the  supporters  of 
the  charity,  that  tbey  determined  to  stock  it  wifb  a  quantity 
of  patients  v,  onoe,  and  that  this  might  be  done  without 
pnin  to  anvbody,  the  patients  selected  were  inanima'c. 
Hats  with  broken  crowns,  coa's  with  tbe  lo9S  of  an  arm, 
irowsers  with  a  lacerated  leg,  and  pantaloons  with  seats 
looking  like  the  seats  of  war,  were  gathered  in  large  num- 
bera,  and  as  it.  appears  by  the  notice  we  have  given  above, 
were  dispatched  to  tbe  Hospital.  We  might,  extend  the 
dismal  catalngue  with  bi:a  of  shirts  torn  at  the  bosom, 
and  rent  to  mere  ribbons  s' reaming  with  gore  and  gusset,  to 
tay  nolhinjf  of  gloves  cruelly  hrefl  of  fingers,  and  pocket- 
handkerchirfs  prematurely  maugled. 

It  is  satisfactory,  however,  to  feel  tlut  the  sufferers  were 
removed  to  tbe  Hotipital,  from  which  we  can  imagine  tbe 
issue  of  a  series  of  bulletins  in  tbe  following  fashion : — 

'*The  hata  have  enjoyed  a  tolerable  long  nap,  and  the 
wounded  arms  of  aonie  of  the  coats  having  been  sewn  up, 
arc  progressing  towards  reoovei^.  Sevcnilof  the  Irowsers 
h.wo  been  discnarged  cured,  with  no  other  appearance  of 
havmg  suSered  but  a  stifcb  in  the  side,  which  is  uearlv 
idiperceptible.  Several  shirts  with  a  gathering  in  the  neck 
which  bad  been  unhappily  torn  open,  have  been  restored 
under  an  application  of  fresh  cotton.  Very  few  of  the 
sii^Tera  are  past  recovery,  but  we  regret  to  *ay  that  an 
aged  paieidt  was  so  much  shattered  in  the  affray,  that  it 
was  found  impofsible  to  bring  it  to,  by  making  it  one 
again."  

ABT   IJt   PARLIAKEKT. 

Wb  have  all  respect  for  the  genius  of  Mk.  Eownf 
LANDif^RR,  but  when  Lord  Mahon  calls  him  tlie  firat 
paluier  of  the  ftgr,  it  docs  appear  lo  i'wvMlbat  it  issendinip 
Art  a  Utile  too  nmcb  lo  the  dogs. 


THE   TOOK  COLVMir. 

Uui 


PUNCH,   OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


231 


/•AGAPEMOME*^  With.  A.i%)SPECTE  or  /BRODiE^f^S- and. SISTERS.- 
AplJ^Ymec.  at  HOCVCeY^-  ALSO  ^BROTHER.  Sv^ Mister- PR|^fCE  h/s4iN  HANDz, 


THE  CHEERTUL  MOURN. 


The  Emperor  or  Chiki  is  Utely  deid,  yet  tha  raa  u  Bhinlnir  away 
merrilj  as  if  be  had  not  lost  a  brotbiBr ;  the  moon  wa«  iJl  Uit  week,  and 
Ibe  week  before,  in  a  I'Ble  of  the  moet  Bmilinff  brilliMcr,  notwith- 
Btandinfc  the  deoeaae  of  a  oousis;  and  as  to  the  stars,  they  are  every 
DiKht  tviDldingavay  and  keepinic  it  up  with  the  most  unreeling  disre- 
gard to  the  mem  or  T  of  an  aiirc  ionate  uncle.  Cousiderioff  the  close 
reUtiouihip  of  the  late  Emperor  to  all  the  celestial  bodies,  we  might 
hare  expected  a  general  mourning  in  the  skies,  an  eclipse  of  both  sua 
and  moon,  with  a  oew  suit  of  saole  clouds  for  the  whole  atarry  com- 
munity. Okio>'b  band  (<hould  hare  had  its  drums  all  muffled  on  the 
day  of  the  funeral ;  the  Uemimi.  or  Twins,  should  have  sported  a  couple 
of '*suils of  stroag  boys' black."  and  AquAHius  should  hare  been  got  up 
in  a  mourning  gown,  with  a  little  bit  ot  black  crape  fattened  roimd  the 
rosf!  of  hia  watering-pot. 

We  hsve  not  heard  whether  there  is  to  be  a  Court-mourniny  for  the 
EiirEiLOR  or  Chua  in  this  country,  but  we  suppose  that  if  such  a 


mfaaure  is  adopted,  as  distaooe  mitigatM  grief,  the  gap  that  exista 
between  ourselves  and  the  dear  departed,  wdl  cause  our  trappings  of 
woe  to  be  of  a  miM  and  moderate  enaraflter. 

We  reoommend  the  arbiter  of  these  mabt«rs  to  issue  directions  that 
in  order  to  show  our  f^ief  at  the  loss  of  the  Emperor  of  Chika.  we 
should  go  into  mourning  by  drinking  black  tea  until  the  li^^h  of  Jane, 
on  wbicu  day  the  mourning  may  be  changed  to  mixed,  which  is  to  last 
until  the  30th..  after  which  day  we  may  be  at  liberty  to  go  into  green, 
as  a  sign  of  tlie  mourning  having  c«ased  altogether.  On  the  day  of 
the  funeral,  bad  we  known  it.  we  should  have  proposed  that  every 
family  should  have  discharged  a  spoonful  of  gunpowder  into  the  pot, 
as  a  aalvo  of  respect  to  the  Emperor. 

We  think  the  Court  Circular  should  have  issued  aome  instructions 
on  the  subjftct.  if  it  had  ouJy  been  to  recommend  '.he  general  adoption 
of  the  willow-pattern  plate  for  one  week,  in  consequence  of  the  great 
toas  of  China. 


232 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Bq^^  "CoHK  IK,  Sul!    You've  ho  cau.  to  be  ai^aiuI    1'vjs  got  uim  ^uiib  ih^et/ 


ON  HORROB'S  HEAD  HORRORS. 

DuuiKS  tlie  monuiig  of  the  first 
trial  of  Ibe  new  Houbb  of  Comtuons, 
all  the  nitmbera  were  talkioK  at  once; 

fipbere  ot  b4d  jokes  jdoatio^  ovei  ua 
and  around  Ufit  tliat  ouf  Bcngea  were 
sfMrcely  our  own,  a^ad  lliey  were  ccr- 
taialy  nobody  d*e'«r  for  noiuenee 
seemed  to  prevuii  in  ail  dirrclions. 
Orifl  of  the  jokes  perbaps  from  its 
bsinff'  beavier  tban  (he  reat-,  fell  to 
tbe  level  of  our  cars,  nnd  we  g^ive  it  aa 
fi  specimen  of  the  rubbish  that  was  m 
general  circulat.ioD.  Soiiiiebi^dy  a&ked 
if  ihe  BflFClion  of  a  suronier's  day  for 
llifl  e]^pe^imen^.  waa  for  the  purpose  of 
debit*.  "  No/*  WD3  tbct  repJj  ■  choice 
b&a  been  made  of  n  summer's  day  wLtU 
&  Tisw,  HOT,  to  ibe  debate,  but  to  tho 
Sunimwy/'  Happily  ibia  atrocity 
t3CAp?d  noiica  in  the:  gcnorul  din ;  nnd 
Hie  deliiiquent  tnade  bit  escaps  b/ 
Leaping  over  all  the  forma  of  Ihc  llouse 
into  au  ndj  .iuing  lobby. 


Sceadful  Caae. 

A  MAif — we  do  not  give  bis  n&me 
ou^  of  re8p:c'  to  Lis  fnniiJj — a  man  i% 
at  tbia  moni™t  siilferfd  1o  be  at  large 
who  porpctrateil  Ihe  fQllovidg  atrocity, 
Tb0  conversation  ran  upon  '*  ihe 
AS'reed^e  coulumacv  on  tne  Jodiau 
border,"  wlien  tiie  tmameUas  ofFendft 
obaerved,  tbat  the  enemy  mtut  bo 
alwaya  beaten,  aeeinjf  that  they  were 
jiever  auytbiog  hut  "  Affj/'-rgerdtf  / " 
The  ruaa  —  we  repeat  —  is  atill  at 
large. 


BKNEPIT  OF  RESPECTABILITY. 

TuEBE  is  one  rule  at  least  which  is  supposed  to  be  without  exception 
—that  recorded  in  the  poetical  reflection  of  the  j^outhfiU  pickpocket— 

"  Htm  fts  prigs  wot  isn't  his'n 
Yen  a  'a  cotoh  '11  go  to  prla'n." 

But  even  the  committftl  of  a  detected  thief  ia  no  matter  of  certainty  at 
all  police  offices.  At  the  Marylebone  tribunal,  for  instance,  it  seems 
that  a  man  may  steal  bricks,  and  be  let  off  with  a  nsnalty,— on  a  certain 
condition.  The  Dail^  Neics  reports  that  at  the  Temple  of  Themis  in 
question,  one-' 

"Mb.  William  Habnshall,  a  person  of  conslderablfl  property,  reatding  In  Fitxroy- 
plaoe,  Kentiab-tovn,  iras  charged  with  having  ttolen  two  bricks,  tiie  property  of  the 
Commliaioneni  of  Sewers." 

A  policeman,  JIaksbt,  61  S,  caught  this  gentleman,  whom  he  ru^- 
pected  of  havinp  stolen  bricks  before,  in  ihe  facS  red  (brick)  handed 
The  constable  deposed  that— 

"  Ue(witness)  who  had  only  junt  marked  some  of  the  bricks,  had  not  been  long  In  his 
btdlng-place  when  he  obserred  the  prisoner  come  up  to  the  wall,  and  wiUi  a  chiael 
remore  two  bricks,  which  ho  put  Into  his  silk  pocket-handkercblef,  and  then  valked 
away  la  the  direction  of  his  own  house,  situate  about  200  yards  from  the  spot." 

Mb.  WiLUAiK  Habnshall  was  taken  to  the  station-house,  and 
locked  up  on  a  charge  of  felony.  That  he  took  the  bricks  out  of  plarful 
inijchief— a  species  of  frolic,  libellously  to  a  respectable  individual  ol 
the  feathered  creation  termed  a  lark— was  not  pretended:  and  in 
answer  to  any  such  excuse  that  might  have  been  pleaded— 

"  WItaeM  ftirther  stated  tliat  he  found  other  brioka  laid  down  lo  aa  to  fbnn  a  patb  at 
tiM  narttf  the  prUonar'a  dweUlng,  some  of  tbem  bad  the  Inltiala  befofe  referrad  to  upon 
d  in  ail  probability  hadlieen  removed  from  the  wall  from  whieh  the  two  (pro- 
1)  had  been  stolen.  Suaplciou  of  the  robbery  was  ontcriained  against  tome  poor 
postmi,  bot  there  waf  now  every  reason  to  belLero  that  tbey  were  entlnly  innocent ; 
tbs  wmlt  was  mnch  damaged.** 

Who  cannot  imagine  that  he  sees  the  prison  jvd  in  which  the  poor 
persons  suspected  of  the  robbery  would  now  be  in  case  it  had  beini  they 
who  were  detected  in  oommitting  it  F  Yet  poverty  is  the  only  palUaUon 
of  theft  in  the  opinion  of  most  people.  But  by  way  of  reason  why 


Mk.  Wiluah  HAiufsuAXi.  should  not  be  committed  to  take  his  trial 
for  felony  like  any  oniiuary  person  charged  with  that  offence, — 

'*  Me.  Woolf  said  that  his  client  felt  acutely  the  indlseretlon  of  which  he  had  been 
gnilty,  and  was  willing  to  make  any  reparation  in  tiia  power  lor  the  wrong  he  had  done ; 
he  would  put  the  wall  into  proper  order,  and  la  addition  thereto  would  be  happy  to  con- 
tribute a  Hum  of  money  to  the  poor-box ;  ho  was  a  mem  of  greai  re^ptctabUUg,  and  his 
fSunily  were  much  distressed  at  the  situation  in  which  he  was  placed.' 

So  that  great  rf^pcctability,  insttad  of  ffre^t  poverty,  is  the  extenua- 
tion of  dixboiis  y,  according  to  Mb,  M  golf.  By  respectabiUtj,  of 
course,  Mb.  Woolf  means  solvency,  or  ths  being  well  off,  because 
bricksteaiing  i?,  in  ilseif,  obviously  a  refutation  of  any  pretence  to 
that  attribute  in  the  sense  of  moral  character.  Mb.  Woolf's  advocacy 
appears  to  have  baen  less  judicious  than  Buccesjful.  The  very  fortunate 
conclusion  of  the  affair  for  Miu  Wiluam  Habnshall  was  that— 

"  Mb.  Bbouohto»  having  ascertained  that  the  Commlsstonere  were  willing  to  leave 
the  cose  cnfiivly  In  his  hands,  and  that  tliey  had  no  desire  to  prosecute,  remarked  that 
the  reapcctablllty  of  the  prisoner  was  an  aggravation  of  the  offence,  but  under  all  tlie 
clrctim8tan(*9hn  nhouUI  deal  with  the  cane  as  one  of  misdemeanour,  and  not  as  a  felony; 
and  f'»r  tbe  unlawful  pofiS(.'ssi<>n  of  the  bricks,  lie  inflictort  a  pcnnlty  of  OOj.,  or  ono 
month's  imprisonment  in  tho  llouso  of  Cora'ction.    Tub  kisb  was  ixkbpiatkly  paid." 

Mb.  BKOtTGaTON  is  hero  judge  and  jury.  As  jury  he  finds  the  prisoner 
guilty  of  misdemeanour,  consisting  in  an  act  of  theft  aj^gravated  by 
respectability.  As  judge  he  inflicts  a  fine  of  SOi.  The  ability  to  ^y  fifty 
shillings  and  not  feel  it,  mav  be  taken  as  a  practical  definition  of 
"  respectability."  Of  course,  the  fine  was  immediately  paid,"  and  the 
offender  esc&j;}ed  comparatively  unpunished  by  reason  of  that  which  was 
the  aggravation  of  his  offence.  Mjsu  William  Habnshall  may  or  may 
not  steal  more  bricks ;  but  he  will  not  be  likely  to  find  such  another 
brick  as  Mb.  BBouaHTON. 


DEBET  D0KKJET8. 


We  observed  a  large  number  of  asses  in  returning  from  the  Derby 
last  week.  They  went  priucipaU^  with  the  vans — not  between  the 
shafts,  however,  but  inside,  and  being  viciously  inclined,  and  too  stnpid 
to  bandy  verbal  iokes,  they  amused  themselves  by  throwing  flour  over 
gentlemen's  olotiies.  We  regret  not  having  had  an  opportunity  to  dost 
their  jaokets  in  return. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


1233 


A    TALE    OF    A    WHALE- 


t 


F.  M.  TBX  DcKB  or  W^elunoton  and  Ibe  Miirgate  Boatmea  bave 
been  recently  in  the  poaitioa  of  the  Lion  and  the  Unicom,  except  that, 
inatead  of  ^Khtiog  for  the  crown,  tliey  hare  been  figbtinR  for  a  whalf, 
which  was  fool  enough  to  tumble  like  a  great  sand  eel  on  to  ihe  sands 
of  Manrate.  F.  M.  the  Dckb,  treating  as  fish  all  that  comes  to  his 
neti  at  liord  Warden  of  the  Cinque  Ports  cUitned  his  ih&re  of  the 
prii^?,  and  rrfiised  to  allow  the  captors  to  bone  the  wbate  for  the  sake 
of  the  whklebono.  Mr.  Waddimgton,  the  Margate  luri^eon,  took  up 
the  matter  on  behalf  of  the  bosimed,  when  F.  M.  the  Dcke  op 
WELLINGTON  presents  his  "compliiuenia"  in  a  manner  anything  but 
compiimentan.  F.  M.  is  not  aware  of  any  relationship  between  a 
Fellow  of  the  iloyal  College  ol  Surgeons  and  the  Court  of  Admiralty  of 
the  Cinque  Ports,  and  F.  M.  expresses  his  determination  to  dispose  of 


the  proceeds  of  his  share  of  the  vhale  without  ooniulUng  the  opioion 
of  Mr.  Waddinotoh. 

There  is  no  doubt  that  F.  M.  is  entitled  to  do  as  be  pleases  with  his 
own  ;  and  if  a  donkey  were  to  tumble  over  the  olifTn,  the  Lord  Warden 
might  come  into  competition  with  other  claimants  for  the  carcase.  We 
can  imagine  the  DcKs's  answering  an  application  from  a  stranger 
something  iafibe  following  manner : — "  F.  M.  the  Dcke  op  Wel- 
lington presents  bis  oompliments  to  Mu.  Blank.  The  DoKS  is  not 
aware  that  Mo.  Blakk.  has  any  relation  with  the  Admiraltjr.  or  with 
the  donkey  fonnd  on  the  Margate  Sands.  F.  M.  the  Dukz  will  dispose 
of  bis  own  share  of  the  proceeds  of  the  donkey,  and  will  be  happy  to 
hand  over  the  skin  to  any  one  whom  it  mxj  haipptn  to  fit,  and  woo  it 
entitled  to  wear  it." 


LIBERAL  OPPONENTS  OF  PROGRESS, 

To  COLOITEL  SlUTHOEP. 

"Gallant  CotoirEL, 

"  I  'm  sorry  I  've  no  vote  for  Lincoln.  Never  mind  ;  I  'm  your 
constituent  in  heart.  I  admire  yoar  views  and  sentiments  altojgether. 
Your  fine  old  Eoglish  speeches  always  delight  me.  I  was  particularly 
pleased  with  the  noble  declaration  you  once  made,  that  voa  were  deter- 
mined to  sleep  with  your  ancestors— that  you  tcould  doit!  As  your 
well-wisher,  no  less  than  my  own — I  am  an  undertaker.  Sir — allow  me 
tossy  that  I  hope  it  is  ro  untoward  circumstance  that  has  prevented  you 
from  offering  the  spirited  optxjsiuon  that  I  expected  vou  would  to  the 
Me'ropoliran  Interments*  Bill.  I  know  you  must  bave  been  unavoidably 
disabled  from  sticking  up  against  this  Whig  job  and  sanitary  humbug. 
I  am  sure  you  regret  that  very  much.  Console  yoorself,  Sir,  by  consi- 
dering how  noblv  your  place  was  supplied— and  by  whom  P  Why,  by 
our  most  out-and-out  Liberal  Metrop  ditan  Members.  Would  any  one 
have  believed  it?  Mr.  Duscoude,  Mb.  Wakley,  and  Lord  Dudley 
Stuakt,  did  alt  they  could  to  shelve  the  bill.  Of  course  they  "approved 
of  the  principle"— just  a  little  tlourish  this,  to  soap  the  sanitary 
refomierj— but  "objected  to  the  details."  Never  mmd  what  they 
thought  of  the  **  principle  "  of  the  bill :  thank  them  for  endeavouring 
to  pick  it  to  pieces.  Theti,  how  splendidly  they  argued  in  defending 
oar  vested  interests!  Here's  wisdom  and  logic  for  yon,  from  Lord 
DcDLBT  Stuart  of  a'.l  men ;  who  now  shows  what  I  call  truly  liberal 
sentiments.    These  are  his  word  9,  as  given  in  the  Tima:— 

"  *  TtM  elsase  of  Um  bill  which  niabl«d  lbs  bMni  to  fix  tlie  prloa  tt  which  ftiasnls 
wero  bi  b«  put,  and  to  no«lvs  oontncts  Iraoi  undertftken,  wu  tn  npp(»lUaB  to  th« 
ptiueifltM  of  poUdcal  Koaoomj.' 

"  Of  course  it  is.  So  is  providing  model  lodging  houses  for  the  poor 
at  I>.  a  week ;  thus  underselling  the  private  buildiog-epecaiator  and 
landlord ;  aod,  I  moj  add,  robbing  the  undertaker. 


'*  Again :  look  at  the  candid  and  sensible  remarks  which  his  Lordship 
is  reported  to  have  made  about  us  : — 

"  *  Be  woold  grant  that  then  wm  instaneei  of  eitnrtlim  In  thla  brmncb  of  tnci*. 
But  were  Um  natertakui  Iba  imly  trad—WMi  fn  ihli  m«tiopoaa  who  w«n  eztorti<Hut«  T 
{HMr,  kmrt)  Wan  than  bo  axtortloiula  tailors  or  sboomaherB  r  If  w,  wliy  iboald 
not  Uie  OoTHmsHBit  itop  In  and  mmj  that  tb«i«  tnd«m«n  slwuld  chargv  only  a  etrtaio 

!>ric<<  fur  ■  coat  la  a  {lalr  ufsttneB?  Ralcbcrv,  l/v>,  vary  oftta  c^ar^tftl  a  very  high  price 
or  meal.  (H^^ar,  Htar  /)  Then  why  did  not  the  Oov«nua«lt  prvparv  a  public  leale  at 
vhich  the  butehan  wen  to  nU  ttelr  jolnti  of  meat? ' 

**  ¥ou,  CoLOHBL,  at  least,  will  see  the  force  of  this  reasoning.  Some 
people  may  say  that  there  la  a  difference  between  ns  and  tailors,  shoe- 
makers, and  butchers.  You  hear  such  persons  complain  that  we  are 
enabled  to  charge  at  onr  present  figures  by  having  to  deal  with  cus- 
tomers generally  knocked  over  by  gnef — too  distracted  to  bar^in  with 
us — whereas  people  usually  know  what  they  are  about  in  ordering  a  suit 
of  clothes,  a  pair  of  boots,  a  leg  of  mutton.  Bat,  as  Lord  Dddlkt 
Stdart,  doubieas,  would  reply,  are  no  boots  ever  purchased  onder 
frantic  excirement,  whether  arising  from  love  or  Gunions  ?  Does 
nobody  ever  rush  to  his  tailor's  in  a  state  of  frenzyi  occasioned  by 
wanting  clothes  on  an  emergency?  Is  there  no  one  that  sometimes 
sends  out  for  a  chop,  in  the  desperation  of  hunger  ?  Government  does 
not  protect  such  reckless  parties  from  imposition.  Then  why  should  it 
interfere  to  defend  those  prostrated  by  affliction  from  the  little  over- 
charges of  undertakers  P 

'*  Must  not  the  greatest  booby  on  earth  perceive  that  the  cases  are 
quite  parallel  P 

"  Is  it;  not  a  triumph,  Colonel,  to  Gnd  ultra-liberal  members  siding 
with  us  in  deferce  of  our  lime-honourrd  gravevards?  Ill-natured 
jesters  say  they  have  become  tlie  champions  of  Corruption.  But  a 
|oke  must  hit  hard  to  break  yoor  head,  or  that  of  your  bumble  servant 

"P.S.  Sir  li.  Hall,  Aldbrman  Sidjtey,  and  Mr.  OsBORWe  also 
came  out  strong  for  the  coiBn-interest.  I  tlatter  myvelf  we've  a 
tolerable  parocbtal  tnQaenee  at  eleotioas.  Coloickl,'* 


I 


vouxvm. 


e  B 


234 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE     PROSE  R. 

ESSAYS  AND  DISCOURSES  BY  DR.  SOLOMON  PACIFICO. 


V.-ON  AN  INTERESTING  FRENCH  EXILE. 

As  he  wbIIcb  the  streets  of  London  in  this  prrsent  season,  everybody 
must  have  remarked  the  constant  appearance,  in  all  tborouglifares  ana 
tmblic  places,  of  very  many  well-arcBsed  forcimers.  With  comely 
beards,  variented  neck-cloths,  and  varnished  little  boots,  vrith  guide- 
books in  their  bands,  or  a  shabby  guide  or  conductor  accompanying  a 
smart  little  squad  of  half  a  doz^n  of  them,  these  honest  contipentals 
march  through  the  city  and  its  environs,  examine  Neuon  on  his  inde- 
scribable pillar,  the  Duks  of  York  impaled  between  the  Athenstini 
and  the  Unitea  Service  Clubs— fe*  rfocii,  le  tunnel  {monument  du  genie 
Fran^uii).  Greenwich  avec  son  pare  ei  ses  lehites-ifates,  monumens  de  ia 
die,  tea  Squarrs  du  West  £nd,  &c.  The  sight  of  these  peaceful  invaders 
is  a  very  pleasant  one.  One  would  like  to  hear  their  comments  upon 
our  city  and  institutions,  and  to  be  judged  by  that  living  posterity;  and 
I  have  often  thought  that  an  ingenious  young  }CngiisIiman,  such  as 
there  are  many  now  among  us,  possessing  the  two  laniruages  perfectly, 
would  do  very  well  to  let  his  bttrd  grow,  and  to  travel  to  Paris,  for  the 
purpose  of  rrtnmin^  thence  with  a  company  of  excursionists,  who  arrive 
to  past  "mat  ttmnme  a  Londnt"  and  of  chronicling  the  doings  and 
opinioDs  of  the  party.  His  Excellenev  the  Nepaulese  Ambassador, 
and  LisvTENAm  Futtt  Juvo,  know  aunost  aa  much  about  our  coun- 
try as  many  of  those  other  foreigners  who  live  but  at  four  hours'  | 
distance  from  ns;  and  who  are  transported  to  England  and  back  again 
at  the  cost  of  a  oonple  of  hundred  Iraocs.  They  are  oondactad  to  oar 
theatres,  courts  of  justice,  houses  of  pariiament,  churches ;  not  under- 
standing, for  the  most  part,  one  syllabU  of  what  they  hear :  their  eager 
imaginaiions  fancy  an  oration  or  a  dialogue,  which  supplies  the  words 
delivered  by  the  English  speakers,  and  rr-pUce  them  by  figures  and 
tentioients  of  their  own  /agon,  and  they  believe,  no  doubt,  that  their 
reports  are  pretty  accurate,  and  that  they  have  ac'.ually  heard  and  under- 
stood something. 

To  see  the  faces  of  these  good  folks  of  a  Sundty— their  dresry 
bewilderment  and  puzzled  demeanour  as  they  walk  the  blank  street« 
(if  they  have  not  the  means  of  flight  to  llich9montx}r  Amstedd,  or  some 
other  prettv  environs  of  the  town  where  ffazon  is  plentiful  and  ale 
cheap),  is  always  a  moat  queer  and  comic  sight.  lias  not  one  seen 
that  peculiar  puzzled  look  in  certain  Utile  amusing  manikins  at  the 
Zoologteal  Qardens,  and  elsewhere,  when  presented  with  a  nut  which 
they  can't  erack,  or  eiamining  a  looking-^lass  of  which  tliey  can't  under- 
stand the  mystery— that  look  so  delighlfuily  piteous  and  ludicrous  ?  I 
do  not  mean  to  say  that  all  Frenchmen  are  like  the  active  and  ingepious 
animals  alluded  to,  and  make  a  simious  comparison  odious  to  a  mi)i|hty 
Bation ;  this,  in  the  present  delicate  condition  of  the  diplomatic  relations 
between  the  two  countries,  and  while  Lord  Staklet's  questions  are 
pending  respecting  papers  wh  ch  have  reference  to  the  affairs  of  a  cele- 
brated namesake  of  mine,  would  be  a  dangerous  and  unkiad  simile ;  but 
that,  as  our  proverbial  duUuess  and  ferocity  ofien  shows  itself  in  the 
resemblance  between  the  countenances  of  our  people  and  our  boulet- 
doffties,  80  the  figure  and  motions  of  the  Frenchman  bear  an  occasional 
likeness  to  the  lively  ring-tail,  or  the  brisk  and  interesting  marmoset. 
Ttaey  can't  crack  manv  of  our  nn^s ;  an  impenetrable  shell  guards  them 
from  our  friends'  teeth.  I  saw  last  year,  at  Paris,  a  little  play  called 
"  Une  Semaixe  a  Londret"  intending  to  rid  cule  the  amusements  of  the 
excursionistti.  and,  no  doubt,  to  salirize  the  manners  of  the  English. 
Very  likely  the  author  had  come  to  see  London — so  had  M-  Gautier 
—so  had  M.  Valkntxno,  the  first  ot  whom  saw  "  vases  chiselled  by 
Bentenuto  "  in  the  pot  from  which  Mrs.  Jones  a^.  C  apham  poured  out 
the  poet's  tea ;  the  second,  from  a  conversation  in  Enalish,  of  which 
he  didn't  understand  a  syllable,  with  a  young  man  in  Messrs.  Hunt 
and  IIoskell's  shop,  found  out  that  the  shopman  was  a  lied  Republican, 
and  that  he  and  moat  of  his  fellows  were  groaning  und^r  the  tyranny  of  the 
aristocracv.  Veir  likely,  we  say,  the  author  of "  Um  Semaine  a  Loitdree  " 
had  travelled  hither.  There  is  no  knowinf^  what  he  did  not  see;  he  saw 
the  barge  of  the  Queen  pulling  to  Greenwich,  whiiber  Uer  Miqeaty  was 
^ing  to  manger  nn exoeit-ni  tandwidg  ;  he  saw  he  baieatix  of  the  UaneK- 
wek»e$  on  the  river;  and  with  these  and  a  hundred  similar  traits, 
he  strove  to  ]>aint  our  manners  for  the  behalf  of  his  countrymen. 

I  was  led  into  the  above  and  indeed  the  ensuing  reflections,  upon 
reading  an  article  in  the  Times  Newspaper  last  week,  on  citizen  LsuBU 
Kolun's  work  on  the  decadence  ot  this  unhappy  countr/ ;  and  on  a 
subsequent  reference  to  the  work  itself.  That  great  citizen  protests 
that  he  has  cracked  the  British  nut,  and,  having  broken  his  grinders 
at  it,  pronounces  the  kernel  utterly  puiaonou*,  bitter,  and  rotten. 
No  man,  since  the  days  of  PiTTBTCOBOuao,  has  probably  cursed  us  with 
a  more  hearty  ill-will,  not  U'Convcll  hioiself  (whom  the  ex-tribune 
hrar:ily  curses  and  abuses  too)  abused  us  more  in  his  best  days.  An 
enthusuatic  malevolence,  a  happy  instinct  for  blundering,  an  eye  that 
naturally  distorts  the  olJMts  which  ita  bloodshot  glanoes  rest  upon, 
and  a  fine  natarsl  ignonnoe,  distioguish  the  prophet  who  came  among 
us  when  his  own  country  wm  too  hot  to  hold  nim,  and  who  bellowa  out 


to  us  his  predictions  of  hatred  and  ruin.  England  is  an  assassin  and 
oorruptor  (roars  our  friend) ;  it  has  nailed  Ireland  to  the  cross  (this  is  a 
favourite  image  of  the  orator ;  he  said,  two  years  ago  in  Paris,  that 
ke  was  nailed  to  the  cross  for  the  purpose  of  saving  the  nation !)  Uut, 
while  in  France  the  press  is  an  apostleship,  in  England  it  is  a  business ; 
that  the  Church  is  a  vast  aristocratic  corruption,  the  Prelate  of  C^ter- 
bur^  having  three  million  francs  of  revenue,  and  the  Bishop  of  Hawkina 
having  died  worth  six  millions  two  hundred  and  fifty  thousand :  that 
the  commercial  aristocriEcy  is  an  accursed  power,  making  *'  RuU 
BfiianMia "  resound  in  distant  seas,  from  the  height  of  its  victorious 
masts ;  and  so  forth.  I  am  not  going  to  enter  into  an  u^^ument  or 
(luarrel  with  the  accuracy  of  detaili  so  curious — my  purpose  m  writing 
is  that  of  friendly  negotiator  and  interposer  of  good  offices,  and  my 
object  eminently  pacific. 

But  though  a  man  paints  an  odious  picture,  and  writes  beneath  it,  as 
the  boys  do^  "  This  is  Eogland,"  that  is  no  reason  that  the  nortrait 
should  be  like.  AIn.  Spec,  for  instance,  who  tried  to  draw  IITrhinu 
as  a  figure-head  for  the  Proser  of  last  week,  made  a  face  which  was  no 
more  like  hers  than  it  was  like  mine^  and  how  should  he,  being  himself 
but  a  wretched  performer,  and  having  only  onee  seen  the  young  lady, 
at  an  Exhibition,  where  X  pointed  her  outf  As  with  Spec  and 
Eruimia,  bo  with  Ledru  and  BBiranu.  I  doubt  whether  the 
Frenchman  has  ever  seen  at  all  tha  dcv  old  country  of  ours,  which  he 
reviles,  and  curses,  and  abuses. 

How  is  Ledru  to  see  Engtaad?  We  may  mcer  that  he  does  not 
know  a  word  of  the  laegiage,  any  more  than  nine  hundred  and  ninety, 
nine  of  a  thousand  Frenchmen.  What  do  they  want  with  Jordan  when 
they  have  Abanah  and  Pbarpbar,  rivers  of  Damascus,  which  they  eonsider 
to  be  the  finest  and  most  nWianaing  waters  of  the  world  ?  In  the  reader's 
acquaintance  with  Frenchmen,  how  many  does  he  know  who  can  speak 
our  langaage  decently?  I  have,  for  my  mrt,  and  for  example,  8?en 
many  of  the  refugees  whom  the  troubles  of  4S  sent  over  among  us,  and 
not  met  one  who,  in  the  couple  of  years'  residence,  has  tdcen  the 
trouble  to  learn  our  language  tolerably,  who  can  understand  it  accu- 
rately vrhen  spoken,  mucti  more  express  himself  in  it  with  any  fluency. 
And  without  any  knowledge  of  Mb.  Hollin,  who  blunders  in  every 
page  of  his  book,  who  does  not  make  the  least  allusion  to  our  literature, 
one  may  pretty  surely  argue  that  this  interesting  exile  does  not  know 
our  hingusge,  and  could  not  construe,  without  enormoos  errors, 
any  balf-dozsn  sentences  in  the  Timet.  When  Macaulit  was  busy 
with  his  great  chapters  on  King  WiUiIau,  he  thoroughly  learned 
Dutch,  in  order  to  understand,  and  have  at  first-hand,  the  despstchea  of 
the  PfiiNCE  OF  Obange.  Have  you  heard  of  many  Frenchmen 
swallowing  a  language  or  two  before  they  thought  of  producing  a 
history  ?  Can  Thiers  read  a  page  of  Napilr  ?  ho  more  than  Ledku 
can,  or  communicate  in  our  native  language  with  any  Englishman,  of 
any  party,  from  Lord  John  Manners  to  Ma.  Julian  Habnet. 

Bow  many  houses  lus  Ledru  visited  of  the  ruffian  aristocrats  who 
are  plundering  the  people,  ot  the  priests  who  are  cheating  them,  of  the 
middle  classes  who  are  leagued  with  the  aristocracy,  or  of  the  people 
themselresF  Is  lie  intimate  with  any  three  English  families?  with  any 
single  nobleman,  with  auy  one  parson,  trad'sman,  or  working  man P 
He  quotes  a  great  mass  ot  evidence  against  Engluid  from  the  Morning 
Chronicle:  did  he  translate  from  the  C^ro/Wtf  himself,  or  get  a  secre- 
tary ^  Can  he  translate  P  If  he  will,  wi  hout  the  aid  of  a  dictionary, 
sit  down  in  our  oflice,  and  translate  I  his  paper  fairlv  int-o  French,  he 
shall  have  the  last  volume  of  Punch  gilt,  and  presented  to  him  gratis. 

The  chances  are  that  this  exile  nerer  sees  our  society  at  all ;  that  he 
gets  his  dinner  at  a  French  table  d*h6te^  where  other  unfortunates  of 
his  nation  meet  and  ea\  and  grumble ;  that  he  goes  to  a  French  eefe, 
or  coffee-shop  used  by  Frenchmen,  to  read  the  Frmch  newspapers ;  that 
he  burs  his  cigars  at  a  French  house ;  that  he  takes  his  walk,  between 
the  Quadrant  and  Leicester  Square;  and  that  he  takes  his  amusement 
at  the  French  play,  or  at  a  hotel  in  Leicester  Place,  where  there  is  n 
billiard  and  a  smoking  room,  and  where  the  whiskered  lied  men  can  meet 
and  curse  Pin/ame  Apgleierre. 

Majuus  silting  in  ihe  ruins  of  Carthage,  and  scowling  on  his  pur- 
suers, is  a  grand  fl^ure  enough ;  but  a  French  tribune  looking  upon  mw 
Carthage,  standing  alone  we  may  fancy  against  the  desolate  statno 
yonder  in  Leicester  Square,  is  the  most  dismal,  absurd,  ludicrous  image 
imaginable.  "Thou  hireling  soldier,"  (says  he,  folding  his  arms  against 
the  statue,  and  knitting  his  brows  with  an  awful  air),  "  thou  shuddering 
Cifflbrian  slave,  tell  thy  mas'er  that  thou  hast  seen  Caius  Mabius, 
banished  and  a  fugitive,  sealed  on  the  ruins  of,"  &c.  The  minion  of 
despots  whom  he  addresses  does  not  care  in  the  least  about  his  scowls, 
or  his  folded  arms,  or  his  speech  ;  not  he— Policeman  X  pointa  with 
his  staff,  thinks  within  himself  that  it's  only  a  Frenchman,  and  teib 
him  to  move  on. 

To  an  exile  of  this  sort  what  a  daily  humiliation  London  most  be! 
How  amall  he  appears  amongst  the  two  millions!^  Who  the  deuoe 
cares  for  him  P  The  Government  does  not  even  pay  him  theoomplunent 
of  the  slightest  persecution,  or  set  so  much  as  a  spy  or  a  policeman  at 
a  guard  of  honour  at  hia  door.  Every  man  he  meets  of  the  two  milliona 
hM  his  own  business  to  mind.  Yond&r  man  can't  attend  to  Maiiui  : 
he  is  CnowLEs,  and  has  got  to  "ehaw  np"  Fezl.    The  next  cuft 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARL 


listtn;  he  is  CoBDEN.  vho  is  so  pressed  that  lie  oannot  even  receive 
CA.PTAIK  Aabox  SiUTQ.  who  bss  somelhinff  p&rticoLsr  to  say  to  htm. 
A  tbird  is  engaged;  it  is  Lokd  Asulet,  who  bss  the  bettering  of  the 
working  clssses  at  heart,  and  the  model  bouses  to  risit.  A  fourth  gires 
id  AKii;a  a  little  ajmipatl^.  but  must  pass  on  :  it  is  Mr.  Q.  W.  M.  Kby- 
KOLDs,  Author  of  "  TAe  M^it^ies  of  UndoB'*  and  "  The  Peoples  Tn- 
itritetor,"  who  is  going  to  beard  LooD  JonN  at  the  Meeting,  and  ask 
his  Lordship  whal  bis  Lordship  is  goia^  to  do  for  the  luillioos?  Ooe 
and  all  they  have  their  own  affairs  to  mmd.  Who  cares  about  Ma&ius  ? 
Get  along,  Maiuus,  and  play  a  pool  at  billiards,  and  smoke  a  cigar,  and 
curse  England  to  the  other  braTts.  Mora  oo»  MAkioa.  ana  don't 
blockup  toe  vay. 


SCRIBE  V,  SHAKSPEARE. 

KvowmtG  the  argument  of  a  book  will,  in  some  cases,  save  u%  (he 
trouble  of  readbg  it.  A  treatise  *'  On  the  Sutatance  t^  the  Moon 
tkowi*ig  that  it  is  realljf  Grrem  and  Cauovt*'  might  be  luQicienl  I j  judfcea 

I  of  by  its  title.  Accordingly,  few  are  I'kely  to  be  the  readers  of  a 
pamphlet,  in  which  the  auLuur's  object — upropoi  of  ScaniE's  burlesqae 

j  of  the  Tempest— is,  according  to  the  Timra, — 

I  "  To  iliov  Out  BaA>«PEj>mE,  Iflia  hAiI  1iv«d  •(  Um  pnMnt  daj,  woukl  pnlMblf  Iuita 
in*d«  tbd  Dai^teMl  an  Open,  nttbor  Uuu  m  spoken  dnia^  mod  tluil,  therefore^ 
M.  BcmiBK  la  mnjing  out  th«  Engttata  poal'i  fntaatioo." 

The  idea,  In  the  first  place,  of  the  thoughts,  conceptions,  and  images 
of  SnjLSSPEA&E — addressed  by  him  to  the  fancy  and  the  philosophio 
intelleot — spun  out  into  trills  and  qtuvers !  Or,  the  idea  of  Shajupsakb 
turning  his  drama  into  an  opera,  with  all  these  his  peculiar  beauties 
omitted  !  The  idea  that  Shaksfbakb  would  cot  have  left  Buch  a  work 
to  M.  Screbs,  nnless  he  could  have  got  an  injunction  against  him  to 
hinder  it!  The  id<a  of  comparing  Sualsi'Eahe  with  SckiseI  And, 
lastly,  the  idea  of  laddling  ail  these  abaurdiiies  on  a  certain  unfortunoto 
individual,  by  name. 

There  is  no  idea  like  the  last  but  one,  oonceired  by  Brakspbaiib 
himself— occurring,  not  in  the  Tempest,  hut  in  the  Midawmmer  Nighfi 
Dream — the  idea  of  the  reword  conterrcd  hyPitek  on  Bottom.  Asimilar 
trick  must  have  been  played  on  the  author,  to  whom  bi«  friends  may 
exoUim,  in  the  words  of  Qninco:  "fileai  tnee,  Bottou!  bless  thee! 
thoa  art  translated." 


Back  View  of  the  Blephant  at  the  Begent's  Pule 
Zoological  Gaxdena. 

THE  HOUSE  THAT  BARRY  BUILT. 

Aptek  all  the  expense  that  has  been  incurred  in  the  building  of  the 
new  House  of  Commons,  we  are  now  told  that  it  b  not  lane  enough 
for  the  accommodation  of  all  the  mentbers,  and  that,  in  fact,  the  House 
will  never  be  able  to  contain  itself.  In  the  event  of  a  odl  ocunpliance 
will  be  imposiible,  and  we  shall  expect  to  see  the  doors  of  the  Commons 
beset  like  those  of  the  Haym&rket  Theatre,  by  M.P.'s  anxious  to  obey 
the  SpmuiZB'B  summons.  We  certainly  think  the  jrreAt  contractor,  who 
has  10  thoroughly  contracted  the  necessary  eize  of  the  building,  skould 
be  made  to  keep  his  charges  within  the  same  narrow  dimensions  as  the 
work  he  baa  undertaken  to  execute.  It  is  true  enough  that  the  busi- 
ness of  the  House  is  U5u»lly  performed  by  a  minority  of  the  members, 
bat  as  the  uselesi  n>&joriiy  will  bave  quite  as  good  a  right  to  occupy 
the  House  as  the  really  working  members,  how  are  the  affairs  of  tbo 
nation  to  be  carried  on.  if  the  non-workers  sfaonld  take  it  into  their 
heads  to  attend  regularly,  and  thus  curtail  the  accommodation  of  the 
real  statesmen  and  legislators  of  the  House  of  Commons P  We  may 
pfeiume  that  the  system  will  eventually  be  adopted  of  dividing  portions 
of  the  House  off  into  stalls,  reserved  seats,  and^private  boxes,  for  those 
who  like  to  pay  the  price  demanded,  while  the  ordinary  run  of  members 
must  be  content  to  go  m  with  tka  rush  wJiea  there  is  any  extra 
attraction. 

ToB  &MOKB  KmsAKCB  AcT.— We  are  sadly  ofnid  that  a  bnsbMid, 
like  a  chimney,  is  almost  heyund  a,  cure,  when  onoe  he  takes  to 
smoking  in  dooia !— /tUfpA  Fame. 

*'  On  SwaUmfi  does  not  make  a  Summer ,"  u  tht  Cook  from  Eaton 
Sfoorv  oai^  at  HeoM  Bt^,  when  she  waa  told  there  «»»  but  ooe 

Policeman. 


COMPENSATION  FOR  EVERYBODY, 

Wx  oonmtulate  the  landed  interest  on  the  probability  tha*:  before 
the  6rat  of  April  next  the  Government  will  have  taken  measures  for 
making  it  tome  amends  for  the  losses  which  it  has  sustained  in  conse- 
ctuenoe  of  the  Repeal  of  the  Com  and  Cattle  Laws.  Our  reasons  for 
expecting  tfa&t  Ministers  will  adopt  these  considerate  steps  arc  com- 
prised in  the  following  paragnph  vliich  has  appeared  in  variaos 
loumaU : —  i 

"  Taa  Dwimer  Pjaaos  Coukt  —It  is  mtdervtood  tkat  th»  Tmtmj  h»M  »wvd*d 
to  Meh  of  llw  Ibnr  b«nrl«teri  of  Ui«  PctUc«  Court  the  mnm  tlwy  psid  for  Iba  pvRdtan 
of  tbelr  plMM.  Mft.  Bmtt,  MP.,  p«ia  fiSOOO  for  tab  «MMtBtmcBt  m  otM  «r  Um  frar, 
uid  wu  the  lut  purduue  allond.  Tha  *Morn»yt  inrt  tmatn  af  thadslhast  awt  tfo 
•ftld  to  be  walHoc  for  compwaMnn." 

We  want  to  know  what  sort  or  deacriplion  of  personal  interests  can 
be  overlooked,  if  those  which  are  vested  in  the  Fataoe  Court  are  to  be 
respeofcedi^  Whoever  buys  a  place  in  auoh  an  establishment  speculates 
on  future  Governments  keepmg  up  the  rascalitr  which  be  thinks  to 
profit  by.  A  distinguished  moralist  has—or  ought  to  bave — laid  it 
down  that  a  bargain  implying  the  maintenoDoe  of  an  abuse  is  an  im- 
moral contract^  therefore,  not  bindiog :  and  that  legislators  may  at  any 
time  abate  nuisances  without  regard  to  those  who  have  staked  money 
I  on  their  permanency. 

As  to  the  atioroeya  and  oiEoera  of  the  Palace  Court  who  may  be 
I  waiting  for  compensation— let  them  wait  for  it  a  little  longer;— yes,  a 
I  little  longer  than  the  innkeepeis  and  coach  proprietors  that  have  suffered 
by  railways. 


1 

4 


i 


LAHGHLSG  BOKG  AND  CHORUS. 

Adjkptcd  inm  Da-  FrtgtdiiMa  to  Cambridge. 

CaMBBiDGB  Pons,  a  (^rmsT's  Oommissiao 
Is  to  bold  an  inquisition 
On  your  Universuty  j 
Don't  you  like  it  P    Us,  lis,  be ! 
Chonu.—'RQ,  ho !  Ac. 

You,  avene  to  be  molested. 
To  your  Chakczluml  protested : 
And,  in  answer,  "  Albk&t  C." 
Says,  "  Be  quiet."     Ha.  ha,  he ! 
CAorw.— Ho,  ho  !  &c. 

When  Pktnce  Albekt  you  elected, 
Cambridge  Dons,  yen  tcaroe  expected 

You  were  in  for  wkat  'a  to  be : 
Tell  me.  did  yon?    Ua,  ha,  he  t  Ac 
Oorw.— Ho.  ho !  &q. 


vs  UDifltRCT  vwronuo. 

A  CoSBZSTOirDKKT,  who  dates  from  Hanwell,  begs  to  call  our  attea<- 
tion  to  an  imperfection  in  our  episcopal  inatitnlions,  basmuch  as  the 
Bishopric  of  Lland-fcEf,  being  'Alt-LaDd,  muat  be  an  imperfect  m'a  (see). 
(We  have  placed  this  in  the  hands  oC  tlM  CottBiiMOMn  of  Lunacy, 
who  will  act  acoordingly.)    ^__^______ 

"Tn  RoAB,  IUtzkui.."— OnvCVnD^vapvM. 


» 


FIELD-MAESHAL   PTJKCH  ON  EPSOM  DOWNS  APTER  THE  GREAT  DERBY  DAT. 


THE  MARBLE  ARCH. 

We  have  received  permi5SLon  to  publish  tlie  suljoined  correspon- 
dence :— 

Sifi  Geoboe  Gbet  io  Prxcrt. 

**  DoamHg  Stieet,  June  3. 

"  Snt  Gkorgb  GaET  i>rcaenU  his  Compliments  to  Mr.  Puiich^  and  is 
de&irous  of  Bcqu&iutinir  nimself  with  JUr.  Punch's  fientiments  relative  to 
the  unfortunate  marble  arch  —  the  relict  of  Geobge  tu£  Fourth 
of  gold  frog  meniorr — at  present  in  front  of  BuoldDsluun  Palace.  It 
has  been  suggested  hj  the  highest  personage  in  the  realm  that  if 
ifr.  Pvxfyi—aa  a  trifling  testimonial  to  hit  unvarying  and  triumphant 
Bfrvicea  in  the  cause  of  good  humour  and  rational  order— would  accept 
the  aforesaid  marble  arch  to  span  Bride  Court,  and  thereby  to  give  a 
more  distinguished  appearance  to  Mr.  Punches  Oilice,  the  structure  is 
whollr  at.  hi3  service,  and  shall  be  forwarded  without  delay  by  an  early 
Parcela  DcliTery. 

"SibGeobgk  Gret  avails  himself  of  the  present  opportunity  to 
make  a  further  enquiry,  namely,  whether  Mr.  Punch  will  consent  to 
stAfid  for  his  Statue,  to  be  placed  in  one  of  Ma.  Barry's  niches  in  the 
House  of  Commons." 

PuvcH  to  Snt  Geobge  Gret. 

"  Mr.  PwncA  bcga  to  acknowledge  the  receipt  of  Sm  George  Gret's 
letter;  and  furtber  wishca  to  convey  his  gratitude— if  he  may  trust  the 
jewel  to  the  hands  of  a  Cabinet  Minuter— to  the  highest  personage  of 
the  realm. 

"  Touching  the  arch,  the  thing  is  altogether  puerile ;  and  Mr,  Punch 
us  long  ceased  to  plav  at  marbles. 

•'With  respect  to  the  Statue,  Mr,  Punch  cannot  consent  to  accom- 
modate  his   hump  and  ahouldrrs  to  the  atone  atr&it  waistcoat  of 

M&.  BA.&RT." 

A  SoVKD  Objectiow.— The  greAt  defect  of  the  new  House  of 
Commons  seems  to  be  "an  extreme  slowncsa  in  trauamitticg  sound." 
We  shall  not  mind  this  defect  lo  mnch,  if  the  slowness  is  only  com- 
pensated for  by  an  additional  quickness  in  IransmitLing  sense. 


A  TARDY  CONSCIENCE. 

CoNsciEircE  not  unfrequenlly  sleeps ;  but  it  is  seldom  that  it  takes 
so  lortg  a  nhp  as  we  infer  must  have  been  taken  by  the  conscience  of  an 
individual  wiiose  act  is  recorded  in  the  Tiaie*  of  last  Saturday.  It  is 
there  stated  that  the  Fayniaster-GenenU  has  received  from  some  anonr. 
moua  individual  the  6uui  of  £10,  "supposed  to  have  been  unavoidably 
overdrawn  during  the  Peninsular  War."  Now  it  is  upwards  of 
thirty  years  since  this  overdrawal  must  have  taken  place;  and  wo  can 
only  wonder  at  Ihc  obstinate  nature  of  the  lethargy  into  which  the 
conscience  must  have  sunk,  that  has  not  wakened  up  during  a  period  of 
nearly  the  third  of  a  century. 

We  fear  the  conscience  ij  not  yet  quite  roused  up.  and  we  mast 
take  the  liberty  of  giving  it  a  good  shake,  tuggiog  it  by  the  button,  and 
aiappiag  it  on  the  back,  in  order  to  open  its  eyes  a  little  wider,  and 
render  it  thoroughly  alive  to  tlie  fact,  that  the  iutereat  on  the  £10  for 
thirty  years  has  yet  to  be  dubbed  up  before  the  conscience  can  quietly 
set  itstlf  down  again  to  repose.  This  gentleman's  conscience , being 
somewhat  of  a  sleeping  beauty,  in  the  lenRili  aud  intensity  of  its  naps,  wc 
consider  it  all  the  more  necessary  to  pull  it  unceremomoasly  oat  of  its 
bed,  to  prevent  its  ** tumbling  off"  again,  and  being  wholly  oblivious  of 
the  arrear  of  interest  that  is  clearly  payable.  Conscience  would  make  a 
capital  thing  of  it  if  it  kept  the  priuciind  in  hand  for  a  long  series  of 
years,  and  tlicn  made  a  merit  of  paying  over  the  original  sum,  after 
pocketing  the  interest.  We  have,  therefore,  nothing  further  to  say, 
than  *  Come,  arouse  thee,  arouse  thee,  my  merry  merry  boy,"  to  this 
anonymous  individual. 


The   Government  Plan  of  Education. 

Mr.  Drummono  defines  Education  as  "  something  drawn  out  of  a 
man."  Accorningto  this,  Kducaiion  is  the  same  as  Taxarion,  which 
the  Goverument  understands  "drawbg  out"  of  the  people  to  a  very 
Rreat  extent,  and  yet  Education  and  Taiaiion  can  never  be  synonymoua 
terms,  for  it  is  a  lamentable  f^ct  ttiat,  heavily  taied  oa  the  Knglish 
people  are,  they  receive  very  httle,  if  any,  Kducation  in  retom  for  it 
from  the  State. 


^1 


I 


■ 


^ 


PURITAN  SUNDAY ;  or.  WHAT  WE  MUST  ALL  COIVIE  TO. 


y 


PDNCH,  OR  TUE  LONDON  CHARIVAEL 


THE  MAISON  D£  BEUIL  OF  PE0TECTI0OT8TS. 

Is  con«KpieECe  of  the  Keneral  ruin  ibal  baa  spread  orer  )]iiKland, 
it  1%  not  unlikely  that  the  yreat  body  of  ProteotionUts— and  it  is  sin- 
jfular  thikt  moatif  all  Protectionists  have  great  bodies,  vbioh  i»  Bnother 
proof  of  the  ptarvalioB  to  which  they  are  reduced — will  be  going  into 
mourning.  In  anticipation  of  this  mouruful  event,  a  large  commercial 
house  in  the  City  ia  about  to  open  an  immense  Motion,  d^  Deuil. 
The  premistfB,  appropriateiv  enongb,  arc  situate  in  Comhill.  We  were 
conducted  over  ibera  a  day  or  two  ago,  and  the  foUowing  is  a  short 
descriptioB  of  their  manifohi  attndionB,  aa  far  as  our  agonised  feelings 
will  enable  us  to  recollect. 

The  sign  of  the  house  is  "  TAat  7)mi0r  Pefi."  The  shop  is  almost 
larger  than  UoLVia'  or  EvEmworoir's.  The  exterior  is  plain  hat  sub- 
•tantial.  The  summit  is  decorsted  with  a  fulMenglb  figure  of  l^'orlone 
with  a  crape  band  orer  her  frcs,  holding  the  Cornucopia,  out  of 
which  are  flowing  bouses,  borsea,  greyhounds,  dog-carts,  cminty  mem- 
bwB,  and  priEe  oxen.  The  arms  orer  the  door  are  very  simple— thre« 
tukkards  of  bome-bnewed  ale  on  a  field  of  bread  and  cheese,  and  the 
motto,  "  Huin  xtare*  ut  ss  tkefan^ 

The  interior  of  the  shop  ia  moEt  somptuouf  in  its  grief.  There  is  au 
air  of  comfortable  poverty  about  it  tbat  rather  invites  than  repels.  We 
longed  to  sit  down  on  one  of  the  knotted  garden  cbairs  tbat  line  the 
counters,  and  call  for  one  of  tbc  tankards  that  are  foaming  (with  rage, 
of  course)  over  the  portico.  All  feelings  of  oonunisc ration  left  us  as 
we  passed  the  door-step,  and  ou  c  oi  eniplating  the  abundance  and 
jolli^  tbat  floods  ttie  whole  place  with  a  glorious  sunshine  of  woe,  oar 
only  desire  was  to  bs  rained  as  quickly  as  possible. 

Stout-lookiog  farmers  stood  beltind  the  counters,  ^eir  fat  faces 
were  dinipltd  with  tbc  most  gaod-nalurcd  wrinkles ;  to  look  at  their 
TOund  cheeks,  Wds  to  laugh.  Cr>ing  was  out  of  the  question.  Heka.- 
CUTTa  himself  could  not  bave  done  it.  They  carried  handkerchiefs 
with  deep  black  borders  to  them,  but  these  evidently  were  only  used  to 
hide  their  smiJes,  so  that  visitors  might  no*-  sec  them  grinning.  The 
tops  of  their  boots  were  blacked  over,  and  they  sported  weepers,  and 
it  was  strictly  sporting,  for  it  was  a  costume  that,  far  from  drawing 
tears,  only  provoked  merriment. 

'We  were  conducted  by  an  elegant -looking  gentleman  in  polished 
leather  boots  and  a  silver  xidlng-whip  to  the  "  ProteetimiUU  VimUigaUd 
Woe  VepartmetU."  Here  we  were  shown  a  neat  book  of  patterns.  It 
contained  maps  of  the  several  estates  in  the  kingdom  to  be  eold,  owing 
to  the  unpanilleled  pressure  of  the  times.  There  were  mansions  with 
princely  parks  for  noblemen,  down  to  two-roomed  cottages  witit 
eabbaj^-gftrdens  for  prize  labourers  at  nix  Ehilliogs  a  week  ;  but  really 
the  prices  of  them  all  were  so  extravagantly  high,  that  we  are  ashanted 
to  confess  we  were  too  poor  to  eflect  the  smallest  purchase.  Our 
conductor  gave  a  mournful  smile,  as  much  as  to  say  he  deeply  felt  for 
na,  but  thut  it  did  not  matter  in  the  least. 

After  t  his  we  were  led  to  the  **  Partial  Gritf  Sioret,^*  It  was  adorned 
with  lists  of  the  principal  races  and  cattle-shows  all  through  the 
oountry»  embellished  with  portraits  in  ebony  frames  of  distinguished 
racers,  and  celebrated  cows  and  pigs  that  had  won  prizes. 

The  nert  room  was  the  " IneontolabU  Lumber-room**  It  was  a  small 
'library,  filled  with  the  most  agonising  speeches  and  hapowiog  debates, 
idl  bearing  upon  the  question  of  the  national  ruiiL  Newspapers  were 
itrewed  about  the  floor,  with  reports  of  meetings  Uiat  are  aaid  to  have 
ahaken  not  only  the  Com  Market  but  the  Bank  to  i's  verv  centre,  so 
much  BO  that  it  is  a  wonder  that  Mark  Lane  and  Thre&dnerdle  Street  are 
standing  at  the  present  moment.  Beau'  iful  miniatures  of  Protcclioniat 
Orators,  their  familiar  featores  crowned  with  gold  laurel  leaves,  enliven 
the  otherwise  dreary  walls  of  this  little  apariment.  We  were  kiridly 
offered  the  last  speech  of  Mb.  Feubaws,  hissing  hot  from  the  hustings^ 
ftod  taking  the  hint  in  the  friendly  spirit  in  which  we  are  sure  it  was 
offered,  we  immediately  ran  out  of  the  room. 

A  pur  of  beautiful  folding-doors,  sheeted  with  the  richest  plate-glass, 
were  thrown  open  to  make  way  for  our  retreat,  and  we  found  ourselves 
in  the  middle  of  such  a  picture  of  misery  tis  we  had  never  witnessed 
before.  Immense  long  tablea  were  f^oatiiug-;-and  tJieir  groans  har- 
monised balf-melodiously  with  the  painful  feeling  that  lay,  like  a  bUck 
pall^  over  the  room — under  heavy  sirloiotof  beef.  Huge  haunches  of 
renison  added  to  the  ojipresaive  weight  of  Ihe  soene.  Yorkshire  pies, 
raised  pies,  fruit  pies,  nies  of  every  amd  of  game  and  rare  delicacy,  were 
strewed  about  in  sucn  reckless  disorder  as  only  wretchedness  can 
produce,  and,  by  their  heavy  looks,  that  evidently  betrayed  bow  much 
was  la  them,  made  one's  mouth,  if  not  one's  eyes,  water  to  look 
Atibem. 

Ugly*)ooking  mngs,  [illed  with  bitter  ale,  lent  a  darker  hue  to  the 
inctw^,  which  was  made  still  blacker  by  small  groups  of  bottles,  with 
silver  head^  that  kept  hanging  about  the  comets,  and  aaMmbwd  in 
greater  force  the  oftener  they  were  dispersed^ 

"What  is  the  name  of  this  room?"  we  inquired  in  a  whisper,  for 
fear  of  f'.i^tnrbing  the  solemnity  of  the  meeting.  "Thi«,  Sir,  is  the 
*Spmeki€9a  Uimf  J>9parimeni* '*  answered  our  attendant— and,  true 
enough,  though  there  were  at  least  a  hundred  persons  present— and 


several  Members  of  Parliament  amongst  them— yet  not  a  syllable  was 
beard.  It  only  ahowed  how  deep  must  be  the  graf  that  could  not  find 
words  to  express  itself ! 

We  felt  the  influencs  of  the  pUee  gndvaUf  stealing  over  vs,  and 
sitting  down  to  one  of  the  prinapal  tahles,  did  mt  spiiik  Cor  an  hour 
afterwards ! 

On  getting  into  a  cab.  we  were  astonished  at  the  very  agrwaUa  beKngs 
tbat  animated  us  from  head  to  foot,  We  had  not  felt  w>  well,  tm  sndi 
bojish  good  temper  with  all  the  world,  sxnoe  the  iiwniible  di?  on 
which  we  recollect  we  first  carried  a  gold  watch,  W«  detcnoaed  lo 
tnm  Protectionist— to  got  nuaed— and  to  get  installed  a  oaMtnt 
member  of  the  Maiton  de  DeuUm  quickly  as  our  funds  would  enaMent. 
Wo  begin  to  find  out  that  there  ta  no  oomfort,  no  pleasure  in  the  wotld, 
equal  to  that  of  baing  ruined.  The  only  drawback  which  we  can  seoQDB- 
nected  with  such  a  luxurious  state,  would  be  the  constant  uneasinesa  of 
recovering  some  day  from  our  ruin,  and  then  having  to  fall  back  again 
into  the  same  miserable  state  of  happiness  we  endured  before.  Only  let 
us  be  mined— rained  lor  life— aid  we  abail  die  happy  1 


TEE  GRECIAK  DIFFICULTY. 


BEIOEE  AND  AFTER 

IHB  SXPUKAIION. 


A  TREMENDOUS  BATCH  OF  PEERS. 

Onb  of  the  penny  paragraphista  of  one  of  the  fashionable  jonmala 
annouooed  the  other  day — as  per  order,  of  course — that  Lord  Somebody 
or  other  (we  forget,  or  choose  to  forget^  bia  Lordship's  name)  had  on  a 
preceding  evening  "  thrown  open  his  magnificent  saloons  to  nearly  800 
of  the  very  highest  aristocracy."  Now,  as  the  very  highest  aristo- 
cracy are  the  dukes,  who  number  some  twenty,  we  snould  be  glad  to 
know  when  this  tremendous  creation  of  7S0  dukedoms  took  place,  and 
how  it  is  the  Peerage  baa  not  been  completely  swamped  by  an  inunda- 
tion so  vast,  as  to  be  utterly  without  precedent. 

We  hope  Lobd  Bbottghah  vrill  inquire  into  this  rSvaion  of  SOO 
Peers,  for  there  must  have  been  an  extensive  usurpation  of  titles,  if 
there  has  been  no  wholesale  addition  to  the  nobility;  and  we  have 
certainly  beard  of  none  whatever.  We  Aould  recommend  some  Peer 
to  rise  in  his  place,  and  move  for  a  return  of  all  the  Smitus,  Jonvsbl 
and  KoBiNSONS,  included  among  the  *'  bOO  of  the  highest  aristocracy, 
to  whom  the  "  magnificent  saloons  "  alludod  to  were  thrown  open.  It 
might  OS  well  be  said  that  the  fiesdle  of  Bnrlxngton  had  thrown  open 
the  gates  of  his  splendid  arcade  to  several  hundred  of  the  Attut  Am, 
as  well  aa  to  a  ton  of  Wall's  End  Coal  ordered  for  the  consumption  ana 
the  curling  irons  of  a  e<nffemr  of  fashion. 


METROPOUTAK  IBLODIBS. 

Aa.— ^aiy  Miiiriy  o/tta  VMw*." 

Theke  *s  not  in  the  wide  world  an  odour  lets  sweet 

Than  t  he  stench  that 's  exhaled  where  the  Thames'  waters  mMt ! 

Oh.  the  last  sense  of  smelling  my  nostrils  must  doic. 

Ere  the  stench  of  those  waters  offends  not  my  nose ! 

Vile  Bcont  of  Thamesis,  howe'er  can  I  mt, 
And  know  yoa^  perchance,  may  engender  a  pest — 
Till  the  law,  bidding  shameful  monopolies  cease. 
Lets  us  wash  in,  or  drink,  our  pore  water  in  pesos  P 


OfficUl  False  Alarm. 


At  a  Dioment  of  oonBiderable  doubt  and  interest  as  to  the  disposal  of 
the  ChanceUorahip,  considerable  excitement  was  occasioned  m  legal 
circles,  by  a  report  which  got  into  extrnaire  circulation,  that  Mr.  Buxr- 
I.ES8  bad  aoFually  had  an  interview  on  the  subject  of  the  Great  Seal. 
On  lurtber  inquiry,  it  tamed  out  that  the  rumour  originated  in  a  fact 
somewhat  anuojtous  to  the  subject  of  the  Great .Beftl—Bameljr,  that 
Ms..  BiLi£rLK5a  nad  been  to  see  the  Hippopotanms.' 


\ 


Wb  understand  tMt  it  u  oontemjplated  to  eifeof,  at  no  distant  data, 
B  diKontinaance  of  Sunday  labour  lu  the  Police  Force.  IveKiBlation, 
adranotng  in  its  present  spirit,  will  soon  render  all  work,  not  strict]/ 
necessary  on  the  Sabbalb.  illegal.  The  sole  and  only  business  of  the 
Police  is  to  keep  order  in  our  thoroughfarM,  and  protect  cor  dwelling- 
house*.  But  it  may  be  confldenLl^  expected  that  Sabbatical  enactments 
will  aooB  pnt  down  every  cab,  ommbuff,  railway-train,  iteam-boat,  on  the 
Sonday.  None  will  go  abroad,  eicept  a  few  peduthansj  who  may  be 
left  to  take  the  conscquenoea  of  their  impiety. 


pooketa  will  be  picked.    Tber  will  leave  all  their  Taluablea  at  home ; 
oat  then,  when  the  whole  lamily  has  gone  to  church,  the  domicile^ 

Sfhaps,  will  be,  to  a  certain  extent,  in  danger  from  honsebreaken. 
owever,  these  are  trifling  incoiiTemcnces,  which  the  Public  will  soon 
leam  to  put  up  with,  after  a  little  experience  of  ihoie  at  pteseat  ariaing 
from  Sunday  legittlation. 


PTOCH  AMONG  THE  PICTUBES. 


FLIGHT  THE  THIRD. 

Makt  of  J/ir.  Fwuh'i  good  friends  the  painters  ate  ver/  angry  with 
him  for  whrt  he  has  written  already  under  this  title,  charging  him  with 
injustice  and  narrowness.  As  to  the  first  charge,  he  has  only  to  say, 
that  he  made  a  sweeping  attack  on  a  common  vice  and  sin.  That  there 
are  many  paintera  whom  the  rice  grieves  quite  as  much  as  it  gricYea 
Mr,  Punchy  he  knowa  very  well,  and  he  could,  no  doubt,  have  cited 
examplea  of  pictures  with  meaning,  and  sentimentj  and  passion  in  them, 
and  01  portraits  which  were  true  representations. 

Let  all  painters  of  such  pictures  and  portraits  hold  themselvea 
exempted  from  PuueA's  Jeremiade.  It  does  not  include  them.  They 
ought  to  be  thaDtful  that  he  baa  lifted  his  InUom  against  those  spreading 
abominations  of  furniture  pictures  and  eonventioiial  portraiture — 

"  No— Lbt  the  gmllod  Jftda  wince,  their  withers  sr«  anwraoff." 

Bat  it  is  not  Punch**  purpose,  or  husineas,  to  pick  out  these  neri- 
torioua  gentlemen  from  their  offending  brethren. 

Let  the  Public  do  (hat,  when  they  pay  their  shilUngs  in  Trmfalgsr 
Square — ao  FmncA  would,  if  he  were  writing  a  caiaUine  rauoititce  of 
the  pictures  in  the  Exhibitions.  But  that  task  he  leavcji  to  the  writcra 
of  tne  daily  papers,  who  have  on  hand  a  stock  of  stereotyped  phrases 
for  the  praise  and  oUme  that  is  ^eariy  doled  out  to  the  painters  in  the 
month  of  May  as  a  matter  of  busmeas. 

Punchy  on  the  other  hand,  squeaka  out  of  the  fulness  of  his  hearf,  and 
mourns  over  the  pretty  face  and  icantv  brains  of  the  Muse  of  Gnghah 
Fainting,  because  he  cannot  help  it.  lie  goes  into  the  Exhibition,  and 
comes  out  of  it  with  his  mind  less  impressed,  his  imagination  less  stirred, 
hift  fancy  less  titillated,  tbau  it  is  easy  to  suppose  possible,  after  a  wall 
of  some  thousand  pictures  has  been  spread  for  his  entertainment. 

But  you  charge  him,  furtlier,  with  narrowness.  Uis  demand  being 
that  vou  should  paint  truly  what  la,  he  reduces  Art,  you  say,  to  a  mere 
servile  re-production  of  outward  Nature — and  so  destroys  invention,  and, 
indeed,  creative  Art  altogether  \  making,  at  beat.  Daguerreotypes  of 
you  all. 

Not  to.  All  he  laid,  was,  that  if  yon  have  to  paint  Joxzus,  yon 
ehould  paint  Joneses — reai,  not  impossible  Jokeses.  But  all  art  is  not 
painting  Joneses,  and,  even  for  the  true  representation  of  that  large 
and  common-utace  family,  there  la  needed  a  generalisation,  as  well  as  a 
ielection,  a  oistribution  and  subordination  of  parts,  which  leave  Art 
quite  work  enough  on  her  hands  when  she  goes  no  further  than  this. 

Be  as  true  aa  you  can  be.  The  truer  vou  are.  the  more  you  will  find 
Tour  work  gets  away  from  Uie  literal,  lineal,  hard,  harsh,  and  tea- 
ooardy,  which  belongs  to  true  representation  only  in  vulgar  and 
untaught  eyes. 

But  Punch  has  not  attempted  to  nap  out  the  field  of  Art.  Heaven 
forbid !  It  is  as  wide  as  mind,  and  may  oe  aa  variously  cultivated.  AU 
he  asks  for  is,  that  there  be  meaning  in  what  is  painted,  and  truth  in 
expressing  that  meaning.  Pictures  ought,  in  his  mind«  to  be  books. 
the  characters  whereof  are  colours  and  forms.  The  point  in  the  picture. 
as  in  the  book,  is  what  the  cltaracters  convey  to  him.  This  is  repeated 
here,  b^th  because  there  has  been  some  misunderstanding  of  what 
Punch  has  said,  and  because  it  is  a  preface  to  something  he  hopes  to 
say,  n«xt  week,  to  certaia  young  friends  of  his,  calling  themselves,  the 
dear  silly  boys — Pre-Kaphaelites  1 


The  street*  will  soon  bo  eielasively  occnpied  by  thieves,  with  nobody 
to  rob  but  one  anot'ier.  Tbe  houses  will  be  sufiicienUy  defended  by 
their  inmates,  who  will  be  forced  to  stay  at  home.  The  only  conceii-able 
occasion  for  policemen  will  be  afforded,  when  people  walk  to  church,  for 
Walk  they  alTwUl  and  mutt,  when  not  even  a  oishop  will  be  suffered  to  \ 
ride.  They  will  keep  Bibles  and  Frsyer- Books  at  their  places  of  worship ; 
but,  still,  the^  will  be  obliged  to  carr^  pocket-budkerchiefs,  if  only  by 
way  of  provision  for  the  aermon.    It  la  tmdoubtediy  possible  that  their . 


I 


M 


MORAL  OF  THE  PORSON  PRIZE.  ' 

The  subject  of  tbe  Forson  Prize,  at  Cambridge,  this  year,  wu  taken 
from  the  Merchant  qf  Vettice^  Act  v..  Scene  1 : — 

"  UrrtnMC.  Uvw  mat  tbe  BMWaUgfat  aleop*  upon  thl<  btak ! " 

to  the  word*,— 

"  l«t  iH>  man  be  traited." 

Tha  word  "man"  at  Cambridge  means,  wo  believe,  Undergraduate. 
We  hope  Mr.  Willum  Owkk,  of  St.  John's,  the  gainer  of  the  prize, 
took  care  to  render  it;  accordingly,  with  a  note  for  the  benefit  of  College 
tradesmen,  who  would  save  many  an  anxious  parent  from  much  misery 
by  adopting  the  paasage,  so  translated,  as  their  motto. 


Tub  Fox  ajjd  the  Goose.— The  M.P. 
for  Oiford  Unifersity  {not  GLaDsroME). 


for  Oldham  and  the  H*P. 


PUNCtt  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIUVARI, 


Ml 


W 


w 


PUNCH'S    BIRDS. 

q)1£  of  the  highest  flights 
tkkea  by  philosophy  bM« 
been  itt  i^onait  of  birds. 
Boionos,  u  the  fom  of 
Oniilbolo*tr.  bw  been 
ninning  sbout  for  igea 
with  a  pinch  of  the  salt 
of  research  betweea  its 
fionn,  to  plice  ou  the 
taUs  of  the  frathercd  com- 
munity. ¥rom  the  days  of 
'!-  uuLua  &iLd  IUhtjb, 
birds  hsTB  placed  an  im- 
portant part  in  history, 
and  the  stadent  will  not 
require  the  elbow  of  his 
memory  to  be  jogged  by  a 
reference  to  tlie  achieve- 
ment  of  that  respectable  bird,  the  goose,  whose  well-timed  cackle  saved  the  Ktemal 
GitT  when  its  durability  was  doubtful,  and  who,  in  his  roasted  atatok  was  the 
harbinger  of  good  fortune  to  Ql'KEN  Euzabztil 

The  Bird  must  always  occupy  a  very  liigh  position,  whether  we  look  at  him  as  a 
lark,  or,  with  wondering  eyes  and  nping  month,  regard  him  as  a  vwallow.  The 
feathered  tribe  present  so  mftny  phenomena  from  the  very  tip-top  of  the  crest  to 
the  lower  extremity  of  the  dninislick,  that,  were  we  to  take  him  to  pieces,  feather 
by  feather,  we  should  find  a  few  words  to  cay  npon  each,  and  still  reserre  some- 
tfung  more  to  ssy  of  him  by  filing  his  bill  (or  future  comment.  Though  the  bird 
ii  not  like  the  dog,  emphatically  the  friend  of  man,  nor  like  the  cat,  the  friend  of 
woman,  be  is  still  on  very  amiAble  terms  with  most  of  the  human  family.  Assuming. 
for  the  sake  of  illustration,  the  correctness  of  the  Pythagorean  doctriue,  we  riuul 
suppote  a  sort  of  amalgamation  between  the  bird  and  the  human  biped,  and  slu^U 
take  the  bird  in  hand  jost  u  if  it  were  a  member  of  our  civilised  community.  There 
an  many  varieties  of  strange  birds  to  be  met  with  in  the  ereryd&y  pa^hs  of  life,  and 
though  not  apparently  deprived  of  liberty,  there  are  many  who  uve  in  a  cage,  for 
which  Ck>nvention  uuppUes  the  wires.  All  birds,  however,  arc  not  restricted  by 
the  network,  sometimes  gilded,  and  sometimes  iron,  that  society  throws  around  so 
many,  and  pertmps,  after  all,  the  bird  who  is  ever  at  liberty  to  hop  the  twig,  is  in 
the  most  enviable  position. 

Intending  to  run  tliroogii  the  whole  race  of  Boci&l  birds,  from  the  hawk  down- 
wards to  the  duck,  keeping  in  our  eye  the  jay,  and  compreheuding  all  pies,  from 
the  magpie  to  the  Roller— who.  by  the  war,  would  seem  to  belong  equally  to  the 
pies  and  the  puddings— we  shall  start  wilu  the  most  agreeable  ot  the  series,  thft 
Warblers. 

TEE  NIGHTINGALE. 

This  delightful  specimen  of  the  warbler  is  very  plentiful  in  England,  bnt  the 
dioioest  of  the  class  are  to  be  found  during  the  spring,  summer,  and  autumn, 
when,  in  addi'ion  to  our  native  birds,  some  of  the  rarest  niffbtingales  visit  this 
poontry,  from  Italy,  Sweden,  France,  and  other  parts  of  the  oontioent.  The  night- 
ingale— as  the  name  implies— einisrs  chiefly  at  night,  and  abounds  in  gardens,  snon  as 
Covent  Garden,  or  delights  in  hay,  many  of  the  most  favoun^e  sort  having  found 
a  very  desirable  nest  in  the  Haymarket.  In  the  former  locality  there  is  sfcul  to  be 
seen  a  splendid  ipeeimen  of  the  female  nighiingale,  which  emigrated  some  time  ago 
from  the  latter  spot.  This  splendid  nightingale  is  universally  known  as  O&isi,  a 
maniificent  specimen  of  the  clas!i,  and  possessing  what  Db.  BKCHSTErv  describes, 
in  nis  Naiural  Ilhtory  r/  Cagr  Birds,  as  a  wondrous  union  of  "  compass,  flexjbilit^y, 
prodigious  variety,  and  harmony  of  voice,  which  make  it  so  admired  by  all  lovers 
of  the  beautiful." 

The  mghtiugale,  as  an  Operatic  bird,  is  liable  to  many  diseases,  and  its  tendency 
to  cold  is  so  great,  that  a  draft  may  render  it  mute,  though  sometimea  a  pecuniary 
draft  adroitly  applied,  or  even  a  mere  ordiuary  puff,  will  at  once  restore  its  inch- 
nation  to  exercise  its  vocal  powers.  Their  notes  arc  only  to  be  procared  at  a 
very  considerable  cost,  and  some  naturalists  have  gone  so  far  as  to  allege  that 
the  note  of  Uie  Operatic  nightingale  is  due  to  the  constant  supply  of  Bank  notes, 
which,  in  this  country,  the  bird  in  question  lives  npon. 

The  mode  of  catching  a  ni^btingsJe  is  rather  cunous,  and  sometimes  very  difiicult, 
on  account  of  the  conipetitma  among  the  principal  Operatic  bird-fanciera  for  the 
rarest  and  most  valuable  specimens. 

The  ordinary  method  of  capturing  a  bird,  considored  to  be  of  great  value,  and 
where  two  or  three  are  trving  to  achieve  the  ssme  result,  is  by  depositing,  on  a  IJrm 
bank,  a  very  bum  bait,  when  tlie  nightingalCj  having  usually  a  long  bill,  perceives 
the  deposit  ready  to  meet  its  bill,  and  drawing  the  bait  from  the  bank  is  imme- 
diately tied  by  the  leg  or  caught  in  some  legal  lime  that  has  already  been  spread  for 
binding  purposes,  Tbe  Operatic  nightingale  is  remarkable,  not  only  for  the  variety 
and  beanty  of  its  plumage,  but  for  the  frequency  of  change  that  occurs  in  the 
oowM  of  a  Bcaaon,  lo  that  ike  bird  mav  appear  to  be  eonatantif  monlring,  yet  never 
attffBriDK  the  weakneas  iaddentat  to  the  prooess,  but  coming  out  enurelv  changed 
in  appearance  nieht  after  Dtsht,  each  appeamncs  putting  an  additional  feather  in 
the  cap.  and  rxmb^iug  Lhn  uifEhtingaie  to  soar  higber  and  higher  in  public  favour. 
The  maladiea  to  which  Onrratir  birds  of  all  desorip'ions  are  subject  would  liU  a 
Ttrfarae,  aid  wa  can  t  hereture  only  Had  room  for  a  it^  of  them. 

The  catarrh  or  oold  is  a  very  cooddiou  complaint,  to  which  we  bave  already  aDaded. 
It  ia  often  caused  by  cold  vrater  being  thrown  upon  tbe  nightingale  by  the  engines 


of  oritidim ;  and  then  the  remedy,  according  to  Dk.  Bbc&- 
sxEQt,  ia  a  compound  of  "  fresh  butter,"  which  can  liardly 
be  laid  on  too  thick  for  the  taste  of  an  Operatic  nightingale. 
Straining  of  the  throat  is  a  frequent  cause  of  injury  to  the 
beat  of  birds,  and  thii  is  continually  bronxht  ou  by  their 
being  fed  upon  leaves— of  mUsic— of  a  most  miTtgetable 
character.  This  sort  of  verdiire-i^alled  by  the  Italiani, 
Verdi — some  nifEhtin[rale5  have  the  instinct  to  avoid,  and  the 
famous  nightingale  Grisi  has  preserved  her  powers  unim- 
paired, by  her  taste  having  directed  her  to  rffrain  from 
the  deleteriouB  article,  and  cooIIm  herself  to  a  more  whole- 
some commodity. 


A  POEnCAL  INTERUEGNUId. 

TncBZ  has  been  a  considerable  gap  in  the  racccssiom  to 
the  Foet'Laureateabip,  though  it  ia  rather  singular  that 
there  should  be  any  inlerrefftmm  whatever,  for  if  poela 
noiciiMr  mm  fit,  we  ought  to  find  a  poet  already  bom  for 
the  ofGce,  and  not  be  compelled  to  fook  out  for  thepofs^ 
who  when  fit  may  be  a  miss-tit,  and  be  incapable  of  wenring 
tbe  otown  of  laurel.  Many  are  of  opinion  that  the  pause  in 
the  succession  has  been  caused  by  a  necessity  for  taking  in 
the  diadem,  that,  thougli  not  too  largo  for  the  temples  of 
the  late  laureate,  would  completely  bonnet  the  individoi] 
who  may  be  selected  to  eome  after  hua. 

The  chief  difBcnlty  we  see  about  the  ofliee,  is  the  fact  of 
there  bring  nothing  to  do  in  it.  The  virtues  of  our  Queeh 
are  of  too  matter-of-fact  a  sort,  and  of  too  every-day  ooeor- 
rencD,  to  be  the  subject  of  mere  holiday  odes,  or,  indeed,  of 
fiction  in  my  ehapa.  As  the  angler  refused  to  go  fishing, 
brcause  there  were  no  fi^h,  so  the  Poet  Laureate  finds  a 
difficulty  in  empioying  his  fancy,  because  the  virtues  of  tbe 
Sovereign  form  such  a  prosaic  matter  of  fact  as  to  afford  no 
opportunity  for  mere  flattery  to  play  the  lyre.  If  any 
duties  are  to  be  attached  to  the  Laureateahip,  we  would 
propose  that  th^  should  consist  of  the  task  of  giving  a 
poeti<»l  turn  to  that  otherwise  very  dull  and  uninteresting 
aiTair,  the  Court  Cirrultr,  wliich  fills  the  somewhat  eon- 
temntible  duty  of  Paul  Prp  in  constant  attendance  on  what 
ought  to  be  the  domeslic  privacv  of  royalty.  As  an  iiloatra* 
lion  of  what  we  mean  wo  give  the  following  spedoQea:^ 

l^is  morning  at  an  early  hour. 
In  Osborne's  peaceful  grounds, 

Tbe  QoKKS  and  f  axxcE— *8pit«  of  a  shower- 
Took  their  eeeuatomed  rounds. 

With  them,  to  bear  them  oompany, 
PacrcE  LEinnroBt  he  went. 

And  with  tbe  other  royal  tbne 
The  DocHzai,  eke,  or  Kbvt. 

Bis  KOVAL  HlGBtfBBS  PRIKOE  0?  WaUB 

Went  forth  to  take  the  air; 
The  Pbincess  Uotal,  too,  ne'er  fails 

His  exercise  to  share. 
On  the  young  members  of  tbe  flock 

Wu  tenderest  care  bestowed, 
For  two  loug  hour*  by  the  clock 

They  walked— they  ran— they  rode. 

Calmly  away  tbe  hours  wear 

In  Oibome's  tranquil  shade. 
And  to  the  dinner-party  there 

Wai  no  addition  msde. 
Judge-Advocate  Sin  D,  Di7Ki>AS 

Having  returned  to  town, 
The  Koyal  Family  circle  has 

Settled  serenely  dowxL 


Tbe  Strongest  Thing  in  the  World. 

Tint  Camel  has  a  peculiar  way  of  remonstrating  when 
too  much  is  beiug  put  upon  her  back.  She  turns  round, 
and  sighs.  If  the  sijihs  take  no  ((Tect,  she  weeps.  The  tern 
are  generally  irresistible,  and  she  is  allowed  her  own  way. 
Woluve  heard  of  the  same  expedient  being  resorted  to 
when  ladies  consider  themselres  "too  much  put  upon." 
They  turn  round,  and  weep,  and  instantly  they  are  allowed 
their  own  way.  The  strongest  thing  in  the  world  is  de- 
cidedly a  woman's  tear^  for  we  never  knew  a  man  yet  who 
eould  ataad  op  »gaiBst  it ! 


1 


news:  for  the  horse  marines. 


Tte  UMfc  Lnidaa  Imk  M  Bov  to  bt  fiMBd  it  the  ZcMOoginl  GndaM. 
^  jft  Ik  tba  ii|KlB  lioB'i  da,  for  te  kob^  BpoB  whiflb  p«blie  cttriMi^ 
sow  rifa  u  10  km  fthia  %  ■eft^Msne— oar  joanc  mind  theHippo- 

aaiaaleime,  not  u  a  oMk 


Bkvidmtood  tbattht  in 

;  bat  at  a  east  of  £500  for  bis  berth,  while  his  pronsions, 


msteid  of  beov  tadnded  in  the  oidittuy  biU  of  fvflu  eoBiisted  of  dates, 
sad  othsr  deUBuifls,  washed  down  daily  witba  eoople  of  boskets  of  now 
miUL  not  merely  frMs  the  eovL  bat  from  the  snbseribed  eanbUmtioBs 
of  aU  the  cows,  goats,  end  donkeTS  that  formed  part  of  the  diip*s 
compsny. 


a  yoaag  snd  artless  creature  that  it  does  not 


seem  to  be  np  to  the  London  IGIk  Dodge,  and  Ispa  up  the  tiaab,  as  if 
it  were  wallowing  in  the  lsi»  of  liunir7.'*« 

One  of  the  great  pecalianties  of  tlm  Hippopotsmos  isiU  extresiesen' 
libility,  whieh  is  foudTeryinoaareniflnt  to  the  Arabinattendaaoeh  who 
csanot  go  away  from  his  young  ehsrge  for  half  aa  boar,,withoat  ita 
beginning,  to  whine  after  him  uke  a  yonng  baby  jost  put  oat  of  tha 


nnree'i  arms,  and  fefusing  to  be  dutdlod  by  a  stranger.  II  is  in  Tim  thst  the  prdiiwn;  tmpla^  *t.*^* 
gardens  fcttetnpt  the  soottiog  syBtem,  and  utt«r  such  cndesnncnta  u  'Pretty  httla  Hippy  Pippy,  "Or 
sinir  Bonrs  about  "Huih-sbjr  Potty  oa  the  tnse-top;"  or  warble  sa  inTiUtioa  to  "Ride  s  &«-liorw  to 
Banbary  Ctob*;"  far,  in  tpite  of  ail  these  little  sttentioiiB,  that  uiumlly  t«U  &o  welt  on  the  in f Ant  mmd, 
the  Hippopotimiw  only  repliet  with  a  aelaacboly  whine  for  ita  Arab  numei  who  is  corapBiJed  to  retTirii 
and  **  Bit  a^it "  with  thefftentimentttl  jnTcnile,  Tnia  is  quite  aa  uafortunate  attaclmicat  for  the  Arab,  who 
Soda  himielf  so  compleUly  tied  by  tbe  IcB  to  the  Hippopotamo*,  that  he  cannot  stir  out  in  comforti  lest 
bia  young  charge  ihouLd  cry  his  eyea  out,  and  thna  depriire  himself  of  two  of  his  most  prominent  /ea'^nra*. 
The  naturalijta  pla<»  the  bt^Ffstrng  animal  among  th«  hlammalia^  but  we  think  a  new  cluB,  called  the 
llMimr-slclt-alia  should  bo  eitablisbed,  in  order  to  comptiso  the  Hippopotaraut,  who  ought,  by  the  waj,  to 
rank  amoDg  whales,  if  we  may  judEc  by  bis  tendency  to  Uubber. 


THE  LETTER  OF  THE  LAW. 

Tss  Timet  complains,  with  jostice,  of  the  confusion  into  which  the 
kws  of  Englaod  are  thrown  by  tbe  absence  of  anything  like  a  feeling  for 
LnrsLBT  MuBiuTlin  the  framingiof  our  statutes.  The  recklessneu 
with  which  adjectives  are  left  to  stuid  alone,  and  plurals  thrown  into 
discordant  contaet  with  singulars^  the  hopeless  abandonment  by  snto- 
cedents  of  their  nnfortunato  relatiTO^  and  the  incessant  oatrages  upon 

Cimar  uliich  charaotorise  our  togislation,  renders  the  wbouB  inra  a 
ol  mass  of  hodge-podge,  that  the  general  obedience  shown  to  the 


Uws  is'dottbly  creditable  to  a  ponied  oonmunity. '  The  only  way  to  set 
matters  right  would  be  the  adrent  of  a  strictly  Grammatical  Mioistry, 
or  the  formation  of  a  Cabinet,  in  which  the  great  principles  of  Likdlet 
MuBJUT  should  be  paramount.  We  would  hare  a  Lord  High  Gram- 
marian, a  Comptroller  of  Srn-tax,  as  well  as  the  other  taxei,  and  a 
Secretary  of  State  for  the  Foil  Stops  and  Colons,  as  well  aa  for  the 
Colonies.  We  shall  have  little  hope  for  the  intelugibility  of  our  laws 
until  we  see  a  party  rising  in  the  state,  calling  themselTes  neither  Tories, 
Whigs,  Fmteotionists,  nor  lUdieals,  bat  styling  themselTes  simply  the 
Grammarians. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


243 


SCHOLASTIC. 

"  H«  would  nnclk  nOna  Rnpport  *  BiU  fo  enoonr&m  u&oMmeiiU,  neb  u  pag-top, 
cilekiiL  root-bail.  Mid  otbir  usrciiei,  Uun  oae  for  rubUo  Llbnclet." — Simumi*  on 
J*ithUt  Jnttructim. 

EDUCATION. 

AT  SIBTUORP'3  ACADEMY,  LINCOLN  GRKEN, 

Youth  are  liberAlly  boarded,  clothrd  in  frue-b'np,  and  edticatcd 
aocordinit  to  the  aubjoioed  Bchenie  of  instructioD,  b/  Db.  SifiTUOur  aud 
able  aaaistanti. 

Jtmior  (^irri^.— Hop-!Cotch ;  Kirg-taw,  in  all  ita  braQcbes;  Blind 
Mnn'i  Bu^;  Hunt  the  U&re;  Peg  in  the  King;  Prisooers*  Base,  and 
Rounders. 

Trap-Bat-and-Ballt  extra.  Bovi  to  find  iA^r  oten  ntarbU*.  Eoer^  bojf 
to  eom9  prtfvided  with  a  ipell-and- rh/t,  thrte  aiei/u  of  whipcord,  and  a 

Smior  CbitrM.— Foot-ball,  on  the  Tlarrow  and  Rngbj  srstema ;  the 
UM  of  the  itloTea  -,  Hockey,  after  tlw  Eton  grammar  of  that  noble 
game;  Cricket,  by  a  resident  player  of  (be  Miirylebonc  Club. 

£aii,  BalU,  and  WickeU  are  txtrat.    Koiking  bui  Facatiofu. 

Db.  S  ,  in  inbffjitting  the  above  programme  of  a  manly  Eoglitb 
£ducAtion,  ia  well  aware  tbat  he  will  offend  tlie  numerous  adrocatet  of 
that  wiah^-waahy^  democrmtic,  aamby-pAmby.  rigmarDlfl  method  of 
book  learning  oamed  oat  in  rooit  ichoola. 

Da.  S.  deapiaai  books.  He  doea  not  read  hlmielf,  and  trusts  that 
eTrrybody  committed  to  hit  care  will  leave  the  Academy  with  an  unin- 
formed mind,  an  improved  wind,  an  enormous  appetite,  a  revereuce  for 
our  glonoua  Conatitution  in  Church  and  State,  a  horror  of  revolutioniry 
QpinioDB.  an  averaion  to  foreifners,  and  a  iborouxU  contempt  for  Hx& 
MAjcsTY^a  Minister? — prinaplea  whiob  it  ia  D&.  8.*s  pnde  and  de- 
^rniination  to  inculcate,  alon^  with  the  above  braocbei  of  a  solid  aud 
thorouKbly  wholesome  education. 

Particul&Ts  of  terms  mAj  be  bad  at  linooLn  Green,  on  the  premisci, 
or  at  the  House  of  Commons,  where  Dk.  S.  attends  regularly  duhag 
tke  Seaiion. 


STOPPUJG  HALK-AVAY. 

Ea&l  dk  Gret,  in  complimenting  H&.  Baaby  i&id,  of  the  new 
Hous?a  of  Parliament  -.— 

"  TtH  punwwM  in  which  U  U  to  bo  i{>pIlD<l  are  mnlUCu-lou*— thera  we  wlda  and 
8«rgeoiu  p«laoe  balls,  long^  vlndovs,  cbort  paucffM,  lowly  doorwMTs,  nuiipiUlceat 
entfiuioM,  Mplring  temon,  gnrfned  KtolrcA«e«,  ever/  cIam  of  rMwtnow,  ^lortimi* 
lodgtiK  oomnutw-iooiiu,  effloea,  and  eren  klicheiu." 

We  hardly  think  the  nohle  flatterer  goes  far  enough.  He  ahonld  have 
continued  his  oratory  ia  the  'ollowing  strain  : — 

"  The  other  uses  of  the  Houae  are  indeed  moltitudinoiu — there  are 
mAgiiiGcent  flues,  a  profusion  of  sioks  and  trusty  sewers,  mediteval 
door-knockers,  arabesque  acrnpeni,  stauncb  bell-pulls,  aspiring  chimney- 
pota,  banniaters  that  nothing  will  shake,  every  variety  of  cupboard,  a 
coal-scuttle  to  every  6re*place,  aud  a  gorKCOus  chiainev  in  tlie  kitchen. 
Nothing  baa  bernomiltcd  thai  the  eye  of  Science  can  display  or  invent. 
There  is  even  a  key -hole  to  every  door." 

These  prodigal  details  would  tuve  uiade  the  compliment  perfect,  and 
would  have  succeeded  in  rendering  (he  noble  Karl's  eloquence  in  every 
particular  worthy  of  the  source  from  which  it  has  been  apparently 
oorroved — the  auctioneer's  cat-KloRue.  What  a  splendid  Geubge 
KoiaKs  seems  to  be  buried  in  liMiL  DE  GiusY ! 


BAVQITET  TO  M.  SCRIBB. 


TiTi  Dramatic  Anthora'  Society  are  about  to  give  a  banquet  to 
M.  ScaiBS.    This  is  noblv-^maDly  I    For  how  rarely  do 
debt,  thoa  aeek  a  meeting  with  their  heariest  creditor  P 


men,  deep  ia 


CLEHICAX  COXUNDRUH. 

Whiob  ought  to  be  the  beat  mannered  prelate  on  the  Episoopil 
Bench  P  P  F      *- 

The  BuHOP  OP  ExAiEB,  to  be  sure,  as  he  moves  so  much  in  Cotirti. 


Q.  What  are  the  "  Street  Orderlies  F " 

A.  The  "  Street  Orderlies  "  are  the  pnrsont  yoQ  see  about  sa  o'clock, 
waiting  in  the  atieet,  outside  the  Boi,-oAce  of  a  Tbcalrv,  with  ordera. 


Vol.  XVIII.— laoo. 


"S^\j,  VT. 


244 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


I 


BULLETIN    OF  GENERAL  LOPEZ. 

OuB  Saraimah  correspondent  informa  nsthat 
the  sabjoined  bulletin  is  posted  np  in  the 
eoffee-Toom  of  the  City  Hotel,  to  which 
Gnrs&Aii  Lopez,  after  being  discharged 
bj  JuDoa  Nichols,  was  escorted,  amid 
the  acclamations  of  the  mnltitnde  :— 

"GiTIZBHS  ! 

"We  have  bin  and  offered  the 
blessina  of  our  free  institutions  to  the 
enslaved  and  benighted  Cubans.  We 
found  we  was  a  castin  our  pearls  afore 
swine.  Bat  I  estimate  we've  lamt  'em 
what  it  is  to  slight  the  advances  of  ginnerus  republicans.  Oh,  yes!  I 
reckon  we  've  read  'em  a  lesson  in  manners.  Stamal  History  will  pint 
to  the  Cuban  expedition  from  New  Orleans.  It  is  ago  as  Posterity  will 
never  obliviate.  ,       , 

"Our  little  band  of  heroes  arrove  at  Cardenas  with  the  olive  branch 
in  one  Imd  and  the  bugaaet  in  the  other.  Their  fraternal  overtoors 
was  met  by  a  charge  of  Lancers.  Oar  gallant  fellers  was  riled  with  sitch 
ongratitude.  Ther  paid  back  the  enemy  noways  slow.  It  was  shot  for 
shot,  slash  for  slash,  dig  for  dig,  slockdologer  for  slockdologer.  In  less 
than  no  time  we  had  chawed  up  the  whole  troop,  and  left  nothin  of  the 
rest  on  'em  but  a  UtUa  i^eaise^pot. 

We  marched  on  victonoos  to  within  six  yvds  of  the  Glovemor's, 
where  showers  of  balls  from  the  house-tons  rained,  hailed,  and  snew 
upon  na.  The^  galled  our  army  considerablca  but  no  was.  Colokei 
Whiat  come  in  for  a  sprinkle  of  the  pepper,  and  a  since  or  two  on  it 
stuck  in  CoLOKEL  O'Haea. 

"After  an  hoar's  figbtin,  the  Governor  and  his  staff  knoced  under, 
and  hiseted  the  white  flag.  We  sot  fire  to  his  house,  and  locked  our 
prisonera  np  in  the  barracks,  and  then  went  and  let  the  conviota  oat 
of  gaoL 

'*  The  enemv  bavin  cleared  off,  leavin  us  masters  of  the  olty,  we 
calculated  we  had  Udced  *em  elegant  but  wiien  the  evenin  come  they 
again  riz.  Two  hundred  horse  was  the  amount  of  their  squad,  and  by 
the  time  we  had  done  with  them,  we  had  whittled  'em  down  to  a 
do£fn.  Twelve  of  our  fearless  wariiors  breathed  out  their  magnanimus 
sperrits  on  tbe  field  of  glory. 

"Lieutenant  Jones,  of  Alabama,  had  daylight  let  through  his  side, 
but  the  bullet  cleared  his  vitals.     Captain  Logan,  Kentucky,  and 

SUABTESMASTEB  Seixas,  of  MiSs.,  havo  bin  took  from  us.    Major 
AWRXMB,  Kentucky,  was  wounded  serious,  but  the  Major  has  been 
spared. 

"  Nothin  would  have  made  us  pause  in  our  career  of  victory,  but  over- 
whelmin  nuuibers.  The  convicts  we  had  extended  the  blessins  of  liberty 
to,  refused  to  jine  us,  not  bein  the  rogues  we  took  'em  for.  Not  meetin 
with  the  sympathy  we  expected,  we  indignantlv  absquotilated.  We 
fit  our  way  backards  to  the  steamer  Creole;  and  I  gurss  that  arter  ages 
will  locate  this  here  exploit  alongside  of  General  Moore's,  and  calf  it 
the  American  Co-runner. 

"  Head  Quarters,  City  HoUI.  Savannah.       (Signed)      "  Lopez." 


SHAKSPEARE  (XX)KERY  BY  M.  SCRIBE. 

M.  Scribe  threatens  to  oust  M.  Soteb,  and  to  sormonnt  the  Uuirela 
of  the  original  dramatist  with  the  paper-o^  of  the  cook.  H.  Scbibb's 
first  dish  to  an  En^Ush  audieaoe  having  been  relished  with  such  delight^ 
press  scribes— their  ink-bottlea  foaming  with  champagne— having  de- 
clared the  fricassee  of  wondroas  Aicineae  and  flavour,  andfast  men  having 
smacked  their  mouths,  and  yellea  thdr  applauses  of  the  treat,  the  new 
French  Opera  Cook,  in  the  depths  of  his  gratitude,  is  about  to  publish 
the  recipe  by  whioh  ha  has  been  able  to  lay  before  a  thonghtfn], 
SHAKSFEARE-loving  todknce,  the  savoury  mess.  PmicA  has  been 
favoured  with  an  early  oopy  of  the  document. 

HOW  TO  COOK  A  SWAK  (Of  AVON.) 

Cut  the  swan  into  pieces,  throwing  away  tbe  heart  and  brainB.— 

Put  the  fragments  of  the  swia  in  a  brazen  kettle. — 

Place  over  a  quick  fixe,  which  fan  with  the  poem  of  VenM  and 

Stir  with  the  toe  of  Mlus.  Grisi,  now  fast,  now  gently ;  now  stir 
not  at  all.— 

Use  Lablachi  as  a  bellows,  when  wanted  to  boil.— 

Take  a  song  of  Sonxao's,  as  cold  champagne,  occasionally  to  cool.— 

Boil  again  with  an  air  I9  Coletti.— 

Cool  and  boil,  and  boil  and  oool,  until  the  fragments  of  the  Swan 
shall  be  thoroughly  dissolved. 

Strain  through  canvas,  painted  b^  HABaHALL.— 

Serve  hot  to  an  enlightened  public,  who  will  be  frantic  with  delight 
that  a  French  cook  should  have  made  so  admirable  a  fricauie  of  their 
adored  Swan  of  Avon.^ 

N.£.  It  would  doubtless  give  the  dish  a  fine  flavoor  if  the  fire  could 
be  made  of  the  raftws  of  Shakspeare's  Birth-plaoe. 

Further,  Mr.  Punch  may  be  allowed  to  advise  M.  Scribe,  who  can 
hatch  such  admirable  French  geese  of  Ms  own,  not  to  meddle  with  the 
Swan  of  Stratford. 


WHAT  HO!  WATCH,  I  SAT. 


A  Onatty  and  Snotty  Point 

We  aro  happy  to  find  that  we  are  not  likely  to  have  any  difference 
about  the  Mosciuito  Shore  with  the  American  Grovernment.  We 
always  thought  it  partook  a  great  deal  of  the  absurdity  of  straining  at  a 
gnat  when  there  was  any  talk  of  extraordinary  exertion  about  the 
Mosquito.  Any  rumour  with  reference  to  war  on  tbe  subject  of 
Mosquito,  turns  out,  happily,  to  be  all  Buss. 


expensive  national  luxdries. 

Mr.  Grattan  sayv,  that  the  people  of  Ireland  are  as  much  enlitled 
to  have  their  Lord-Lieutenant  aa  tbe  people  of  England  are  to  have 
their  Lord  Chancellor.  Certainly  they  are,  if  they  want  him,  and  choose 
to  pay  for  him. 

The  Firate*a  Boom. 

Lopez,  and  his  buceaniering  companions,  who  bnilt  so  much  upon 
Cuba,  have  found  that  all  their  building  consists  of  castles  in  the  air, 
or,  to  speak  more  appropriately.  Ckdkaux  m  Swoffne.  When  we 
recollect  the  association  that  exists  in  the  minds  of  Englishmen, 
between  a  Cigar  and  Cuba,  we  are  not  surprised  that  the  late  afiair 
should  have  ended  in  smoke. 


We  have  for  some  years  kept  a  watch  on  the  London  dockiL  and 
have  always  had  in  onr  eye  the  hands  of  the  principal  public  timepieoes. 
Cbance  and  a  threepennv  'bus— one  of  the  Atlas,  which  never  oonld 
hare  been  intended  07  the  immortal  bard,  when  he  wrote  the  words. 
**  fixed  as  great  Atlas  self,"  for  the  'busses  in  question  are  remarkable 
for  the  fewness  and  brevity  of  their  stoppages ; — chance,  then,  and  an 
Atlas  'bus  took  us  the  other  day  to  uie  neighbourhood  of  the  Old 
Cavendish  Street  Post-Office.  Instinct  led  our  eye  to  the  clock,  which 
we  instantly  perceived  to  be  suffering  with  a  sort  of  delirium  (remeni 
iu  the  bands,  which  are  so  shaky  that  they  let  the  time  slip,  as  it  were, 
through  their  fingers.  We  believe  the  clock  does  not  suffer  from  any 
internal  complaint,  but  there  is  such  a  nervous  movement  of  the  hands, 
that  the  clock  would  seem  to  be  afftcted  by  a  sort  of  St.  Yitus's  Danoe^ 
which  causes  it  to  play  truant  in  a  Truandaise  of  a  very  desperate 
description.  Tbe  clock  keeps  its  own  internal  arrangements  very  well, 
but  rumour  and  our  own  correspondent  have  informed  u>,  that  the 
Fost-Office  authorities  keep  a  man  expressly  to  lead  the  clock  by  the 
hand,  and  it  is  onljr  by  his  constant  vigilance  in  going  hand  in  naod 
with  the  clock  that  it  can  ever  be  made  to  conduct  its^  with  the  least 
regularity.  

A  NATIVE  APPEAL  TO  THE  HOUSE  OF  COMMONS. 

Max  it  Please  Your  Honourable  House, 

I  AM  an  oyster,  a  real  native ;  and  as  such  have  within  me  the 
largest  and  noblest  pearl  ever  bred  by  British  mollusc.  My  hous»— 
that  is  my  two  shells— is  little  more  than  simple  lima ;  yet— with  the 
pearl  inside— what  a  treasure  it  contains  ? 

Oysters  of  the  House  of  Conunons,  does  my  condition  preach  no 
moderation— no  moral  to  youF  lour  House  has  already  oost  two 
millions  of  money,  and  I  should  like  to  know  what  will  be  the  vidue  of 
the  pearls  dropt  from  the  mouths  of  its  tenants  P 

Yoors,  (with  a  broad  Mnt), 

A  Modest  Otstkb* 


A  COACn  GSTTIKG  SLOW. 

Among  the  most  obstructive  carriages  that  stop  the  way  of  University 
Reform  who  ever  would  have  expected  to  find  a  Brohqbaji  P 


DEA>  to  COKHOli  SENSE— AVD  KVERTTHOtS  ELBE. 

It  seems  that  it  is  very  difficult  to  hear  anything  in  the  new  Honae 
of  Commons.  Aooordix^  to  this,  the  fallacy  of  petitioning  will  be 
rendered  clearer  than  ever,  for  it  will  be  quite  impossiUe  now  for  the 
people  to  "  gain  the  ear  "  of  Paiiiament. 


Cavbb  10s  BxVLOBiov.— Of  all  names,  we  think  that  **  Gun  "  mnal 
be  one  of  the  moet  nspleanat.  It  must  be  so  very  trying  to  OBfl^s 
temper  to  be  continnaUy  aaked  if  you  are  the  "  son  of  a  gun  f* 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


24A 


A     BIT    OF     MY     MIND. 


BIT  THE  EIGHTH- 


mm.  xouuB  tries  un  haxd  as  am  kxfbbxmsxtal  lzqislateess. 

Mr.  Poncb^— lUrinR  tny  own  notions,  prrbftps  a  little  awiBled  by 
the  Beadle  of  Exeter  Hall— (by  the  way.  Susanxau  is  noi  going  to 
leaTB  lu,  for  all  her  warning;  tne  Samffi  Bank,  in  which  Bbe  put  her 
bit  of  Dioney  baviog  failed,  and  the  Policeman  tiiat  wat  to  marry  her, 
failing  immediately  aJfterwarda)— Laving  my  own  notiona  upon  what  au 
Act  of  Parliament  ought  to  be  to  double  lock  the  Sabbath  like  a  prison 
door,  with  cl)aia&  and  bolts  to  make  it  fast  and  tespe ctcd,— I  have  ste^t 
out  of  my  eex  for  once  to  give  mp  pattern  of  an  Act  of  Parliament  as  it 
ahonid  bo:  which  pattem  1  beg  to  send  through  you.  Mr.  Punch,  to 
that  fluffenng  aoblcitian,  Lord  A8m.KY ;  who.  1  understand,  has— upon  | 
Ilia  own  authority— sacriGced  his  repulation  for  the  good  of  the  working- 
cUmm.  whn.  T  Lope,  will  show  their  proper  merits  or  hid  Lordship's 
KOodaesL  by  presenting  him  nith  a  ooetly  piece  of  plate,  or  some  each 
token.  It  isn't  ofWn.  Goodneis  knows!  that  a  real  nobleman  jumpa 
into  a  gulf  like  the  Komau  Curtis,— and  when  he  doe»,  he  ought  to  be 
thanked  and  respected  accordingly.  But,  Mr.  Punchy  to  gire  you  my 
draft— as  1  beliere  it'  a  called,  of 

Ak  Act  op  Parliament  for  Securibo  the  Sijsdat. 

WBJfi&tJS^^i—M  has  been  thought  nothing  but  proper,  especially 
by  the  Dignities  and  Authorities  assembled  in Loiuo  Ashley's  DrAwing- 
room  and  Mr.  PLuurraE'a  back-Parlour, — to  take  a  loving  Care  of  the 
Souls  and  Consciences  of  the  Masses  of  Hia  Majesty's  loving  Sub- 
jects, too  many  of  *em  not  a  bit  better  llian  IVks  and  Heathens.  &nd 
Vnowiucno  wore  of  the  Sunday  than  the  Mackarrl  that  is  sold  by 
Act  of  Parliament,  to  the  Grief  of  the  truly  Ilespect&ble  on  that  dav,— 

It  is  Enacted,  to  begin  with  the  extreme  Begmuing.  that  it  shall  not 
be  lawful  for  any  ChUd,  Male  or  Female,  Btngle  or  Iwint,  to  be  Bom 
on  a  Sunday.  Inasmuch,  and  for  tlie  rerr  Heasop,  that  many  rerpec 
tablo  Professional  Gentlemen,  to  say  Nothing  of  i)ruggist&'  Assifttauts 
and  Monthly  Nuraea,  are— by  such  Forgetfulness  of  the  Seventh  Day- 
called  op  and  oat  tfc  a  Minute's  Notice,  to  the  Neglect  of  their  better 
Duties. 

And  Further,  If  Children,  after  the  Passing  of  this  Act,  in  Contempt 
of  the  QoECN,  the  Bishops,  Mb.  pLirxFrnE,  and  Lobo  Asblkt,  will 

f;o  on,  ooming  into  the  World  on  a  Sunday,  u  if  no  Aot  to  the  contrary 
iftd  been  set  forth,  and  Signed  by  the  Queen,  with  her  Crown  on  her 
Head,  and  her  Sceptre  in  her  Hand,  THEN— 

All  Such  Sabbath'bom  Law-Breakers — Boys  or  Girls,  Single  or 
Twins,— ahall  bo  deprived  of  all  Civil  and  Political  Rights,  being  con- 
sidered Bom  out  of  the  Law,  and  therefore  to  be  treated  as  little 
llogues  and  Vagabonds,  who  will  hare  no  lUght  to  know  that  they 
exist  at  all,  except  when  such  Knowledge  is  brought  Home  to  their 
Consciences  and  Pockets  by  the  Law  that  shall,  to  the  end  of  all  Time, 
catt  ihem  in  Double  Taxes. 

Further.  Be  it  Enacted,  That  all  inch  Offenders  bom  on  a  Sunday— 
and  theroDy  ooming  into  the  World  in  Contempt  of  Oar  aforesaid 
Sovereign  Lady  the  Quees,  Mr.  PLUstpTKB,  and  Lord  Abblet  in 
particular, — shall  never  be  Christened.  And,  Further,  if  any  Archbishop, 
Bishop,  or  Dean  aball,  in  Violation  of  lliia  Act,  KUemptto  baptise  any 
Felonious  Infant  so  oiTeDding,  that  then  the  said  Archbishop,  Bishop, 
or  Df  an  shall  be  liable  to  Support,  Provide,  and  Pay  for  every  such  Boy, 
Girl,  Single  or  Twins,  as  if  such  said  Baby  or  Babies  wtre  their  own 
natural  Flesh,  and  not  born  Outlaws,  with  no  acknowledged  Father  or 
Mother,  or  Nurses  Wet,  or  to  the  Contrary. 

Further.  Be  it  Knirted,  That — in  place  of  Baptism — the  said  Felo- 
nious i^uckliugs  born  on  Sundays  shall  be  numbered  only  by  the  Beadle 
of  the  Parish  (properly  Empowered  for  that  Service)  so  tha^  denied  the 
Chriitian  Comforts  of  a  Name,  they  shall — by  the  Fifure  bom»— carry 
their  own  Kegiater  as  to  their  numerical  Strength,  and  Social  and  Poli- 
tical Weakness. 

(And  bt)  it  particularly  Enacted.  That  the  Beadle  of  Exeter  Hall  shall, 
by  Virtue  and  Violence  of  his  OlBce,  be  the  Grand  liegistrar  Beadle  of 
all  Felonious  Infants  born  on  Sundays  in  Her  Majebtt's  Cnit^ 
Empire,  Herae  Bay  and  the  Isle  of  Man  included.) 

And,  Further,  to  aeaure  the  Better  Observance  of  the  Sabbath— now 
too  fretjuentiy  violated  by  the  Perforni.ince  of  the  Marriage  Service — 
all  Parties  joined  together  in  Matrimonv  on  a  Sunday,  shall  not  be  con- 
sidered joined  at  all.  Joitn  Browv  and  Majii  Wuite.  wedded  on  the 
Babbatfa,  shall  by  no  meani  be  held  One  Bone  and  Ono  Flt^sh,  but  Sepa- 
rate Bones  and  Srp&rdte  Flesh  ;  that  is,  the  Bones  and  Flesh  of  Joun 
and  the  Bones  and  Flesh  of  Mart,  as  if  no  Ceremony  whatever  had  been 
performed,  or  celebrated  between  them. 

And  Wnereas,  divtn  Exoellent  Boae-coloured  People— «nd  especially 
Lo&o  Abblet  and  Mjl*  pLCMTTRe— have  been  mightily  grieved  and 
scandalised  at  the  Performance  of  the  Rite  of  Marriage  on  the  Sabbath; 
and  Whereas  they— the  Ilose-oolonred  People  Aforesaid,  moved  by  the 
nost  virtuoua  Scniptea,  would  lay  Axes  of  ail  Sii^s,  and  without  Number, 


to  all  the  Roots  of  Sunday  Neglect  as  especially  shown  in  Sunday 
Matrimony, — 

3Bc  a  ehiartfli,- That  all  Mercers  shall  have  a  Certificate  signed 
by  not  leas  than  Three  Ilespectable  Householders  Cwbo  have  paid  iheir 
Water-Rates,)  that  any  Silk,  Satin,  Lace,  or  any  Commodity  of  their 
Trade,  sold  for  Wedding- Gowns,  M^edding-Ri bands,  or  Wedtling-Lacea, 
arc  not  to  be  used,  put  on,  or  worn  for  a  Sunday  Wedding :  and,  in 
Default  of  non-Ileguirement  of  such  Certificate,  that  tbev,  the  Mereers. 
shall  be  committed  to  Gaol  for  not  less  than  IHiree  Months,  with  or 
without  Oakum,  at  the  Decision  of  the  Magutrates. 

And  Bo  it  Enacted.- That  the  same  Clause  shall  apply  to  all  Tailors 
supplying  Wedding-Coats  with  their  Supplements.  To  all  Glovers 
vending  Wedding-Gloves.  To  all  Pastry  Cooks  dealing  in  Wrdding- 
Cakes  and  Wedding- Break  fasts.  Aud,  Further,  that  all  Carriagee  and 
Post-Horses  belonging  to  Fost-Uasters,  let  out  for  Hire  or  R<^ward  to 
Sabbath  Wedding-Parties,— be  confiscated  to  the  Parish,  the  Beadle  of 
Exeter  Hall  having— in  Virtue  of  his  Office— Right  andAu'bority  to 
seize  one  Carriage  to  his  Own  Use,  with  not  more  than  Four  Ilors:» 
for  every  Statute  Twelvemonth. 

And  Further,  Bo  it  Enacted,  That  all  Tavem-Kccpers,  Licensed 
Victuallers,  and  Others  who  shall— without  Ennuiry — harbour  and  com- 
fort any  Sunday  Bride  and  Bridegroom  for  the  iloncyn.oon,  or  any 
Dav  thereof,  aaidl  forfeit  their  Lioenco  for  Ever  and  Ever,  and  be 
mulct  in  a  tine  of  not  leaa  than  Ten  Founds,  to  be  carried  to  \  he  Poor. 

And  Further,  That  no  Tradeam&n  soever,  shall  rtcover  the  Amount 
of  any  Debs  for  any  Goods  or  Commodities,  whether  of  Food  nr 
Apparel  served  during  the  Honeymoon — (which  to  OlTenders  shall 
henceforth  be  known  as  the  Aloes  Moon) — to  those  Criminals  «Jio 
believe  themselves  Married  on  a  Sunday. 

And  Further,  That  as  it  is  a  Matter  of  deplorable  Notoriety,  that 
Many  Persons — having  no  respect  for  the  Feelings  of  divers  Boao- 
euloured  Individuals,  and  of  Lord  AsiitET  and  \1r.  Pluuiths  in 
i'artioular,  have  been  known  to  Die,  or  Decease,  or  otheraise  become 
Defunct  on  a  Sundav — 

Uc  it  €?nartrt,  That  henceforth  every  Man,  Woman,  or  Child,  who 
shall  henceforth  violate  the  Feelings  of  the  Hose-oolonred  Individuals 
aforesaid,  and  especially  of  Mr.  Plumptrb  aud  Lord  Ashlky,  by 
Dyiny  on  the  Sabbath,-  , 

SHALL  BB  BURIED  by  Certain  Undcrtakera  by  Law  Appointed, 
who  shall  exact  any  Amount  of  Cost  of  Funeral  that  may  to  them  seem 
Fit— burying  the  Sabbath  Defunc'- Criminal  in  Rough  I)eal«,  and  willi 
not  au  Inch  of  Feather,— and  that  auch  Amount  shall  be  uaid  bv  iho 
Heirs  or  Assigns  of  the  dead  Culprit,  at  their  Peril  refusing  to  disburse 
the  Same. 

And  Further,  Be  it  Enacted,  That  AU  Parties  dying  on  Sunday— and 
thereby  offending  certain  aforesaid  Parties,  and  particularly  Lobld 
Ashley  and  Mr.  pLimrTRE — shall  have  their  Epitaphs  written  by  the 
Beadle  of  Exeter  Hall  in  the  blackest  Paint,  ana  in  the  very  hottest 
SylUblps. 

Long  Live  the  Qoeen,  and  (saving  Her  Royal  Presence), 
Long  Live  Mb.  Pluuptrr  and  Mr.  Abblet  ! 

There,  Jfir.  Pmeh^  that  is  ny  notion— wiLh  a  little  of  the  Beadle's, 
I  own— of  An  Aot  for  the  Belter  Chaining  and  Bolting  of  the  Sunday,— 
a  notion  which  I  will  thank  you  to  forward  to  Lord  Asslky,  and  beg 
of  him  to  btrlieve  me  (willi  yourselO, 

Truly  Bound  by  his  Lordship, 

The  Uonestuckkf*  Amsua  Mouseb. 


FILCHING  A  GOOD  NAME. 


The  republic  of  letters  is  remarkable  for  the  number  and  variety;  of 
Ihti  titles  to  which  It  annually  gives  rise;  some  of  the  titles  being 
almost  as  nnaccouutablo  in  their  origin  a«  that  of  the  celebrated  Naxiuv 
Karony,  now  existing  in  Kenning*on.  The  last  eccentricity  of  author- 
ship in  giving  a  name  to  a  work  ia  exemplified  by  the  daily  announce- 
ment of  "The  Shoe  and  the  Canoe,  or  Travels  in  Canada.'*  In 
accordance  with  the  customary  rule  of  imitation,  we  may  exprct  shorilr 
to  see  advtriised  "The  Sock  and  the  Rock,  or  a  Week  at  GibrKltar," 
as  well  as  "The  Highlow  and  the  Highlands,"  "The  Siippur  and  the 
Iceberg,"  with  a  crowd  of  other  counterfeits  of  the  original  to  which 
we  have  alluded.  Tue  "  Shoe,"  <!kc ,  will  soon  have  a  tribe  of  imitators 
treading  on  its  heels,  for  every  one  u  ready  to  follow  the  steps,  or  stand 
in  the  shoes  of  a  successful  writer. 

It  is  in  vain  to  attempt  to  achiere  a  BiDgularify  of  tiite;  for  the 
singularity  is  immediately  changed  into  plurality  by  the  masa  of 
imitators,  who,  though  alwara  jealous  of  success,  are  in  some  respects 
different  from  ihe  ffreen-oyed  monster,  inasmuch  as  they  are  thoroughly 
onable  to  make  "  the  mea**.  they  feed  oo." 


AN  acthob's  cby  of  Aooirr. 
Oh  1  that  Dorila'  visits  were,  like  Angels',  *  few  and  far  between  1 ' " 


LociH  Napoi^o^?  often  linvinff  olTorHfd  ms  a  prood  laueh,  wp  sliall  olTfr 
hii(iinrcluriiaffood  cry.  '*  /^ic€ /iupo'eon  II /"  K^d  "  Five  t' Bmpci  fur .' '* 
hive  livn  trira  Mnd  won't  do.  Something  morn  rKHonhl  n  rrquirnl  as 
ft  shout  lor  the  PitixcE  Vrksident.  TUo  want  is  supplird  to  a  nicety 
hj  the  apposite  exrUniaiion, 

"  \1VE    LA    KtPUBUQUK  UBAMATIQCE   ET  THtAXnALEl" 

The  dramAtic  and  Ibra'rifal  rppnblifl— uofc  the  norial  and  denioeratic 
republic,  or  the  simple  republic,  is  prcnisely  what  the  French  Repnbl'c 
i«.  It  \%  a  dfcUiininpr,  sinking,  danpinjt,  decorative  scenic  rfpnhlic. 
Its  histrionic  character  is  peculiarly  mantfesfed  in  Louis  Napoleon 
refT&rded  as  iia  representative.  His  part  of  President  consists  tnaiuly  of 
rcKular  stage-business,  riHioff  about  in  full  Qaiform,  distributing 
crosse<i,  pinuinfc  decorations  to  the  breas  s  of  nuritorious  pe&iiants, 
and  tnakiuK  wives  and  cbihirea  happy.  It  is  but  just  to  say  that  he 
soea  through  even  the  heaviest  act  of  charity  conamore,  and  ent^ira  into 
the  spirit  of  hissilunlioD.  KoweTer,  it  seems  that  he  has  trusted  to 
the  national  management  to  iademniry  him  for  bis  di^biirsemcnts ; 
iincf!  be  uow  applies  for  a  do^aUon-bill  to  enable  him  to  pay  the  debts 
which  he  h&a  incurred  in  character,  and  to  sustain  his  somewhat  ex- 
hausting part.  By  continually  repeating  "  Hold  ;  take  this  pune."  the 
word  being  suited  to  the  action  und  the  purre  containing  real  casit,  the 
moat  opulent  pockets  must  be  fmpiied  in  ihe  end;  and  if  Louis 
Napoleon  is  to  go  on  relieving  distress  and  dispensing  bappinesa  to 
inflnitv,  he  must  be  the  goose  with  golden  eggs,  or  irlse,  if  he  persists 
m  such  muniQceaoK,  be  will  be  the  goose  witliout  them.  Much  indi^- 
palion  has  been  raised  by  his  demand  for  an  increase  of  salary;  but  it 
ii  perfectly  reasonable  tliat,  being  expected  to  fumisU  a oonstant  stream 
lOfuoanty,  be  should  claim  an  adequate  supply  from  the  national  well. 
Otherwise,  indeed,  be  would  be  a  mere  empty  Fump.  No:  let  his 
friends  cry  "  Fits  la  B/oubtique  dramatique  et  th^dltaU!'*  and  base  is 
that  Public  which  seeks  for  orders,  and  grudges  even  to  pay  the 
expenses  of  the  poor  actor. 


Carstivo  Coaiji  to  Newcajtli.— Taking  the  Nepauleie  Prioees 
to  see  the  Itla  mi  (^  Jewels. 


THR  WELLINGTON  CORRESPONDENCE. 

TnB  DvKS  07  Wellikctok  will  go  down  to  iiosterity  not  onlr  aa 
the  hero  of  a  hundred  tiglits.  but  an  the  hero  or,  at  least,  a  millioa 
leilera.  Future  ages  will  diclare  that  never  were  t  he  spirit  and  Ihe  Irlter 
so  ultikingly  combined,  as  in  the  grandjunction  of  valour  and  epistolary 
cotrcspondence  that,  disUnfEui^hes  the  conqueror  ot  WKtrrloo.  He 
was  i-vidently  born  to  be  a  man  of  note,  iu  every  u^nse  of  ihe  word, 
and  is  as  much  at  home  in  presiding  over  the  hillet  of  a  anUUer. 
as  in  replying  to  thn  billrt  of  any  one  who  addresses  him.  F.  M. 
TBE  DvKZ  will  be  looked  upon  bv  posterity,  as  the  polite  letter* 
writer  of  the  nineteenth  century.  Everybody  wriica  to  him,  and  he 
writes  to  everybody  in  return,  so  that,  of  all  his  numerous  dis- 
tinguisbed  pos's,  the  General  Foat  will  liereafter  be  regardrd  as  his 
favourite,  it  is  calculated  that  lie  conaiuvea  more  letter-paprr  than 
six  of  the  lari^est  commercial  bouses  in  England  put  together,  and  if 
he  I'Oes  not  ride  about  wilU  the  order  of  the  Hath  on  hia  breut,  he 
never  stirs  from  home  without  iuvrsting  hit  stationer  with  the  usual 
order  of  the  Batb  Post— on  which  he  writes  liis  dailv  ream  of  letters. 
We  think  a  great  deal  of  trouble  might  he  saved  if  F.  M.  were  to  start 
a  weekly  nevf5pa|>er,  to  be  called  either  TAe  J)uJte*i  Ltfe  in  London,  or 
The  Jpiley  7'imes,  for  the  (.urpo?c  of  annwerinff  his  numerous  oorres- 
pondenls  m  some  live  or  fix  columns  of  small  print,  for»  even  if  the 
journal  did  not  pay  half  Us  expenses,  he  would  save  a  fortune  in 
postage. 

Lopez  and  Ouba. 

Old  smokers  will  remember  a  cigar  whioh  used  to  b?  sold  under  the 
name  of  "  labelled  Lopez.**  The  Lopez  now  become  so  celebrated 
should  be  Ubclled  "Pirate."  In  connexion  with  the  subject  of  tobacco, 
we  may  make  the  obaervaior,  Ibat  from  literary  to  common  piracy  tbete 
seems  to  be  but  one  step  in  America,  and  advise  Jonathan  to  put  that 
in  bis  pipe  and  smoko  it.     

CAIUUNT,  THV  &EAL  BLACK  BJtTITUt, 

A  MAD'a  cbaraotcr  is  frequently  treated  like  a  grate— blackened 
all  over  first,  to  come  out  the  brighter  afterwards. 


1 


I 

IP 


I 


THE  AMERICAN  ROVER-GENERAL  WOT  TRIED  TO 

STEAL  A  CUBA. 


Xt  4. 


o    o 


—    ^ 


> 


ABBinoMKVTOf  Eii(ltih  Geocraphr,  1<7 

AdmlrKlty  «.  Auiituit-Burpeoai,  li; 

All  rouod  ai.  Ptal't.  179 

All  up  with  th«  Red*.  »9 

AntiDBtciJ   UkCDCu   of   tbt    lata    Lord 
Eldon,  111 

App«(i  rrom  the  Fint  o*  April  (Ad),  W 

Appeal  from  "  White  Stick  "  {Aoi.  lal 

Ai'peQdtte*  of  Black  Etojalty,  igt 

Arc  we  a  SrHod  o(  Roxoeef  179 

Article  Written  darlnp  a  Fog  (An),  99 

Army  lotfilicenca,  130 

As  Grave  e»a  Jiidfe,  117 

Aathot'a  Cry  nf  Afooy  (Aa),  tIS 

Author*  of  Oar  Own  PlMaoree  tthe),  II9 

Auto  Da  ri  In  Esmz,  tti 

BACaaiDa-HtviAMD  (The),  ID7 
Bachektr'ft  T.eacae  r'nie),  lai 
Ballad  of  Eiita  D&tIi  rrbe>,  IS 

B&ak  CotTcri  iThej.  »3 

Ber  and  the  Sta«c  (The),  99 

Battle  for  laLratnoral  Churcbyardi.  307 

Bvauttfal  LeaM  'A).  133 

Beantlea  wlthoot  paint.  7* 

Belrn*taD«  !  Mead  row  Weye^  ISS 

Bcneflt  or  ReepceUbliltr.  133 

BeneTolcnt  Uacbloee,  ill 

Bit  of  my  Miod.     By  Mn.  Momer,   Ifll, 
171.  IHI.  191,&c..  &c. 

Black  Rainbow  (A!,  ii^i 

aiackfnara  BuU-Flcbt  (A),  1*9 

"Blaeetheli  Deer  Syei."  119 

Blind  Atylom  for  Pietarn,  isi 

Body  wltbont  1  Head  |A^  110 

Bold   Bmu(clcr  who  Walks   tba   Streets 
(The).  91 

Botany  Bsy  for  AtUits  me),  106 

Bnml  Jeooy  Ltad.  108 

Britannia's  Sweet  Tooth,  ISO 

Briilah  Uom,  an  Ultia-Chartlit.  ICO 

BaUabn  of  Gaoeral  Lopez,  344 

Batcher  Clliei,  10 

CAiiiieT  Corill  (Tbr),  It4 

Cabmao's  Bstlmate  of  ReiiwetaUlttr  (A), 
177 

CUomoy,  tlM  Real  Black  Berlrtr,  340 

Canhrldte  Lyrics,  ii; 

Capttalisl  oC  the  Mock  Auction  (The),  44 

CanlMa  John,  the  State  Coachman,  i&3 

Carlyls  mode  luy,  1 10 

Carryloc  Cbala  to  NewcatUe,  llO 

Chancery  Id  Daoger,  90 

CharttySchooi  of  Art  (The)*  119 

Charwaman  (The),  ti 

Cheip  BrJcki  for  the  Cottac*.  Ilfl 

Clic«rral  Mouro,  131 

Ctielsfs  gf]aadroD  of  IrolatloD,  149 

Civil  Wordi  Cost  Somethles,  BS 

ClTlUty  of  St.  rani's  Showmen,  »4 

Clerioal  Cooondraai,  143 

Clinbtor  up  the  Korth  Pole.  87 

Coach  Oettinf  Slow  (Aj,  li4 

Coats.  41 

Oobden*!  Queriats,  ft7 

Conine  Animal  (Tbv),  144 

CoDpentalloa  for  BTcrrbody,  S85 

ConielcDea  Avaont,  lit 

Cooecteace  Mo»ey-Manlac  (A),  10 

Cookef7  of  All  Katlons  (Thnj,  180 

Ooralili  Otdl*  tTM}.  148 

OoiiMii  oa  rin  |A].  48 


Credit  of  an  Emperor.  63 

Cry  from  HU  Paul's  (A).  lOS 

CarllDK  Match  on  the  Ice  (A),  SO 

[lARBKHve  Id  St.  Uumlngo,  103 

Ucaf  to  CommoD  Seoio— and  Bvorrthlnc 

Else,  144 
Death  oot  of  Town,  98 
Oepoilti  for  the  Siakiof  Vnnd, 
[>«patttloD.  A  Farce.  KS 
Ovtby  Donkeyi,  asi 
Dcrtvatlon  of  Luxury,  18B 
I}errr>down-dowa-wlib    Ttrar   Salariet, 

Died, 98 

[)oK«of  LawfThe^,  III 

0<>fnrstlc  Pieloraes,  99 

Down  amoDir  the  Dead  Men,  833 

"  Down  Id  Front, "  1 10.  lit 

Dramatic  Dictionary,  913 

Dreadful  Complaioi  of  One  o(  the  Lnar* 

ol  the  MetrupoUa.  131 
Drankeonem     in     Sport     made   Sober 

Earoest.  84 
Duke  out  of  Place  <  A),  199 
Dwarf  and  the  Olaot.  43 
Baat  OP   HAnswoDU    Foibiddlof   the 

BaoDs.n 
Earth  hath  Bubbles  rThe),  ISR  . 
SducatloDal  Novelty  (An).  167 
"  Kraioeot  serrlcet,"  314 
Enrtaod's  Good  Name,  1/3 
Rzchan^  Clock,  04 
Bxblhitton  of  Idlrness,  137 
Exhibition  of  Inda^try  (An),  140 
Expeditlaa  throD|h  thr  Debates  In  setrcb 

of  L'biaholm  Aoatey  iAd),  180 
ExpaosiTc  Natloaal  LaxnrleSj  344 
Expenslre  Socurty,  118 
Rxtraordlnary     Meetior   of    the     Law 

AmendmcDt  Society.  137 
Bxtraordiaary  HuodUic  Match,  134 
Eoraka.  133 
Every  Man  (aven  a  Oerman  Prince}  bis 

hla  Priee,  1 1 1 
Familv  Metatriiplci,  191 
FtQcy  Slop  Fair.  109 
Farmer's  Story  ^Tbei,  9 
Fsrmer's  Taxed  Cart  iThr],  9I 
Fearfal    Pall  and  DccUoa  of  the  Uw. 

198 
FcarfolPassrA),  311 
Female  'Busoca,  160 
Ferraad  Ham  {Tbel.3l3 
Few  stambltnr  Blocks  In  the  Path  or 

Fame  (A),  03 
Fileblnr  a  Good  Name,  145 
Fine  Nelghbonrkood  for  Medical  Men, 

I  S3 
Finest  Colnmn  In  the  World,  9 
Flat  Contradiction  to  an  Old  Proverb  tA), 

103 
FoaJ  Fathar'B  Advice  to  bis  Boo  (A),  37 
Food  for  the  Mind.  89 
Fifrce  of  Habit.  189 
Fowl  )»  Fare  and  Fare  It  Fowl,  p 
French  and  KncUab  Poticemea.  77 
Faiieral  a/ler  8tr  Joba  Moore'*  (A),  4 
tSsffBBOi'B  ReduodoD  of  Rem,  49 
Goocraphy  for  YoonB  lAdlaa,  307 
Onaity  and  KnoUy  Point  lAh  144 
Golden  London.  IM 


Good  Ucunrcs  or  the  Colonlea.  77 
"  Good  Price  for  Breezes  "  (A).  39 
Oovemaent  Papers  (Review),  i;o 
Govarnor  Barled  Alive  ,  A),  Bfl 
Grand  Bqnaitrlan  Failure,  fts 
Graphloloclst  (The),  314 
GratBJtoaa  ExhlbltiooB  of  liondoat  144 
Grave  Reapooalblllty  (A).  183 
Great  Doonp  Contracts  (Thai,  77 
Greeorroccr  who  walu  at  Parties  (The), 

71 
GuRrdiman'i   UoblaiiCd   Opinion  upon 

Mr.  Cobden,  ll9 
Guupowder  H'>irors,  9 
Half  Pint  Measure  of  Law  Refonn  (A)* 

109 
Ha'p'orth  of  Sentiment  (A),  IS7 
Hard  Drlvioir  at  HanctaeBt'r.  SI 
He  woold  be  a  Knight,  1B4 
Health  of  E<jtoi>e  dormc  the  last  week  . 

48 

Heavy  Blow  (A),S8 

Hetght  of  KlankeylMB  fThe),  114 

Hidden  Needlewomen.  117 

HIgb  Wny*  and  Low  Wayt,  71 

HlDt  for  a  New  Haovsrd  (Al.  SI 

Hint  from  Her  Msjeaty  i\),  177 

Hint  to  Orator  Heuley,  1*7 

Hint  to  the  Humane  tlociety,  94 

HoboallShoaPlaehlsi  tTbe),  I17 

Uobson'a  Cbofce,  38 

HoBtBopnthtc  Btvfflnr,  i&a 

HomofPlatt  (The).  148 

Honee  Divided  (A),  91 

Hoaac  that  Barrr  Built  (Th«J,  888 

Honaebold  Words,  19s 

HouaalBsa  Cocamons  iThel.  191 

Mow  the  Wind  Blowe,  79 

How  to  Advance  Lo  this  World,  0f 

How  to  Red«otTassUon.  1O7 

How  to  Shut  a  Chatter-box,  Us 

HamlDty,  309 

I  AM  oot  wbat  I  acem,  191 

Icebcrn  OD  tbe  Thamea,  81 

Idea  fi  r  a  new  Ballet  (Ai,  10 

If  you  're  an  E4ttar,  liehave  as  eneh,  fto 

iRoorance  for  the  MUltoa 

ImpOrttft    MMhnyrif  y|^fri»wnnt«>«; 

lodoetry  afarNaUooi  (Tlw),  137 
Infant  frodify— The  Whig  Surploi  tThej, 

lu 
Inrcrrccnam  ofa  Grest  Mind  CTbc),  13B 
rlBtereaunf  Orl|1n  of  the  "Fan  ol  the 

Fair,"  213 
JewKLOf  a  WUe(A),  SB 
Jocular  L^mirevlty,  0B 
Jiikc**  a  Juke  for  a' That  :A).tl8 
Judicial  Anctioneara.  97 
JuvcDile  Teacher  on  Edncatlon  (A),i7S 
Kino  Axraxo  Ooinn,  Odnjr,  Qooo,  iif 
Kirk  and  Railway  OaxrUc**,  1*7 
Knlle  and  Fork  Bxhlbmoo.  188 
LAHBNTABi,n  Ballad  of  tbs  Potiodllni  of 

Bhoredltcb  (The),  71 
Land  (The),  7 1 

Last  Da  ya  of  the  Palace  Conrt  (The).  4 
La*t  uf  Uie  Qittiwt  pntu,  i«g 
Late«t  J'  ke  no  the  TWa.  109 
Latitudo  and  Loofltadc.  IB9 
Laughinc  Sooc,  sss 


Leaplsr  Baronet  (A),  909 

Lettcjof  tlwLaw.  841 

LInei    on  the  Addition   to   Itae    Roysl 

Family,  3fll 
Lines  DO  a  Late  Uoapldous  Bwcnt,  IS9 

t|r<D  Qoecn  fTbc),  38 
laton  Rcdl«lva«,  177 
LonduD  Phanoacopaia  (Tbei,  US 
Loudoflcri  and  tbeir  Lao(«>  193 
Lope£  and  Cub»,  340 
lAMtl  Bruogbam'a  Exhibition  for  1830,  90 
Louis  Napoleon  "  spara  tbst  Tree,"  0x 
fiaeky  Family  (Tbej,  79 
Mail  foy  California  (K),  II9 
JiilMM  d«  Dntl  of  PrutcetloDltts  (Tlie), 

Ug 
Man  who  Stop*  the  Bottle  (The),  lis 
Manncn  and  Cvsiomsof  ye  Enf  flsbc,  74, 

10*.  &€..  Ike. 
Marble  Arch  (The).  334 
Marrl*c«*  in  Every  Day  Ll/e,  39 
Married  Bachelor  iTbci,  97 
Matrimonial  Oeatilutlon,  831 
Mky-Day  Shrppinp,  184 
May  Prince  (The).  lAl 
Mayors  and  ibcir  Coaii  of  MBit  139 
Maxim*  aatl  Dupatches  of  Field  Marshal 

Widdlcunb,  179.  191 
Medals  a  Little  Overdue,  84 
Meetiog  to  Discuss  the  Principle*  of  Pro- 

tectioo  and  Free  Trade,  34 
Merit  ta  Bronze,  139 
Metropolitan  Watcr-Bntt  (Tho)*  131 
Maw  from  the  Cat  (A),  |01 
Midwinter  Harvest,  8 
MUltary  BiUy  Tailor  (The).  136 
Milk  from  the  Mountain.  149 
Milk  1  Ob  )  Oh  1  Oh !  Milk.  308 
Minister  la  InfsUtble  (Al.  09 
MUslor  DIplDBSttsts  mc).  lift 
Mock  Forain  InteUlfntoe,  139 
Mockery,  a  DslMioo.  and  a  SnarefA).  47 
MotfM  WOUW  (A).  91 
Monoma&t  to  Ebsnezsr  Elliott,  1 47 
Monument  to  Sir  Peter  (A).  61 
More  ProteetloB  for  Native  industry.  83 
Momloc's  Beflccilon  ^I'he),  139 
Mr.  Archer  Ferrand,  319 
Mr.  Bright  and  hia  Mill.  191 
Mr.  Perrand  mitre  presented,  r.i 
Mr,  Iloramaa'a  Anatomy,  8h 
Jifr.  PmA  on    Church   and   State  Edm> 

cation,  Ol 
Mrs.  Oxford  to  the  Prims  MinlBttr,  17t 
Much  ofa  MuehDess,  08 
Mr  Bole 'sin  Arm*,  143 
NsrLBi'  Soap,  334 
Native  Appeal  to  the  House  of  Commoofl 

(A1,3«4 
Natore's  Uvery.  138 
Naval  Assistant -8 Drgeons*  Mb«s,  IIS 
Naval  Intelligence,  U4 
Needles  of  I^ndoD  (The),  97 
Nelaoo't  HrraUa,  00.01 
New  Cabinet  iTbe\  I7 
News  (or  tlie  R»r«e  Marines,  948 
No  AoconollJir  ror  Taste,  SO 
No  {CoaseleDccj  Mooey  Hetnms^  i*i 
Noo-Pohtical  R^unlotis,  1O8 
Nooks  and  Corners  of  Charactor,  14,8* 

71,  197.  Ill,  140,  Ac 


250 


INDEX. 


Mothin^  like  Letthtr,  101 

"Now  Relidr,*'  13? 

•<NowUi«Di  Art  One  for  Corinth  I*  14* 

Ob,  Lftw  1  tftg 

Old  BtU^T  CBLRaem  BaUi,  bd 

Old  Fntha  [Tbn  .  i79 

On  ■  Gcrod  Li<H^klTif  Yonn^  LaEfr<  ^^^ 

On  Afl  iiDr«reALinr  Prebcb  Exl\e,  ssi 

On  Korror'K  tlrad  HDrron,  1541 

Oar  Chlropoditt,  153 

Our  Feuhlfi  SupcmainfruiH,  I 

Onr  FoTflLfB  FoUcT  uid  Far«l[n  Blmttr^ 

Mi 

Oar  Lllilf  BLfd.  lai,  l^g,  Scd  &e. 

Onr  Money  Anicle,  iii 

OiirO?c«n  BMHff),  140 

Our  Owd  Corre«pDDdeat>  30 

Our  WkAhtrwDinnD,  t 

Our  WiieiBinl  our  UtUe  On«,  H7 

PATlUmentKry  Nataral  PbiloflDiih?,  !S1 
pBthnlr>g-Jciil     ExliibiilinQ    *X  Iho    R0711I 

AcAdcrnf,  IQiS 
Putron  SalnU  for  tbe  Woikinf  Cl&Me*.  U7 
ncturvfl  (if  Mlierjr,  m8 

PoftiC^L  [ntcrTeKrium,  111 

Polierw  Add  PnhiomlmttK  7 

Pulicr  Ubrnritri,  310 

Policc^  St&tiAtLcA,  \3^ 

Paiiet  na  iSundiy  CTlicK  HO 

Police,  the  beat  PabliC)',  IDl 

PtiNlical  FiitlAtia.  13 

Pout  Office  P»ccr«,tton  or  tbc  fiPL^bttta, 

FreiArationt  tit  Artlej'q)  tvi  Wv,  311 
PrcKPts  ff^rtbt  FubUt  B1I 
PrttebiiDfl  Dettcf  ttian  Curt,  31 
Prine***  Peiftlou  (TYic\  m 
FfiTktt  Nt]1e  from  HefrinOQ.  H9 
PfttUejte  orPlC-Nlcii  !Th«J,  91B 
Prt»Miniitry  (AJ,  Hi 
Pro  Omnhbui  Silw.  143 

pTDHriTiMj  til,  1^3,.  is;.  I?;,  f!<3,i3i, 


Prmprcti  of  PoUtJml  Tnd«,  4l 
Ptaip«cliof  thf  Tdftnel*  lit 
pTQtactlaD  for  Mr.  Utrtynitii.  319 
Fip'ecUciii  ta  EljTptl^bi  ficpuLtare,  ltii|7 
Ptiff  Pkit(,  fl7 

Funeli  nmong  fhc  pletam.  isa.  Ac, 
Paneti  ibe  StllorH  FiLend,  \\^ 

Panch'a  Birds.  Ill 

Panch^A  Hnsd-Boah  for  Intcndlnf  Em 

Kr«tvtft  \(y  Uie  D«b)',  »L 
PunchV    HKrd-Dwk    to    Her    Uljntj'i 

Tbcbtrt.  KB,  IfiO,  AfC. 
PQDfib'i  Koru  tail  QutrlcA,  sod 
Puneti'i  KolCB  snil  QucTltK  far  tbc  Dcrbyj 

913 
PUDcb'i  PlirlLaIia»titu-7  Uodfe^Poclffe.  0^^ 
Puckc}!*!  Poller.  107 
PuDch'*  Priifr  Ptlctot,  04 
Putlln^TK^  Pane  rim  BroDnd  tbe  £utb,  SDH 
Poah  for  k  PincefA),  AB 
QuADRiLLM  dei  PiTlaeun,  49 
fiilKrter'i  RcTcnaf  fTbei,  lO 
Qunr  QutiT  (A),  190 
Bad  ID  PropcniJty  fcr  Pence,  140 
PlntR  tMrrtiiJ  Sonp,  1  tn 

KeMOQfor  WeftMiif*  Beard,  tl? 
Ited  Fumvr  iTbt),  iti? 
EtrtfEilpr  Vi]||  (A),  194 
[l«ni»kAble  Mtft'ni7tu»r  iA\,  IpO 
Repr^stFilatlon  &j  II  mi^bt  be»  170 
Ri^il^Ditloa  of  Soyer,  9>j4 
lticbAril»Dn'H  Ghojt.  i&a 
|t<mr  Ofaleilat   The),  33S 
Rulnallioa  f^r  GoWQ^nien,  E3 
SjtBpATn^PciiiT  PenKcnCial  MeclUiEi  ^j7 

3"lv1in  4£iil  SlaecutfiJi,  I6i 

8c«Dei  ti-DED  the  Life  or  an  UopiotecEhl 

Female^  7*  97^  i'i,  61,  Ac. 
ScbDlfcatic,  913 
Berib«  «,  Slial(ip«ir«>  f3& 
SpJ'f^A.iftpri^oriorSDaitA^r  (Theli,  {Ki 
Sfl^Klbitiltlon  of  Lord  tirougtakm.  129 
Bejr-neicrTftUoa    PleCfl    af    Plfclo   Club 

iTht),  71 
SbAkKpnm  junoDf  tiifi  Cbcap  Triton,  23 


Bbm^ipaue  Cookery  by  U.  Scrlber  t44 
Shot  for  GoTemnieDt<A^  I17 
sbowniMior  St-  Piul'A  (Tbo),  ]ff0 
Stbthotp  "Urbtm  aL  Oxford, "  iig 
Siblbdrii'i  WiDt  of  CoDfldeac*!  Ill 
Sick  BicLftlGf  4Thc^  iU 
SlffDft  nf  ttiF  Timet,  ij,  tai 
Sfnlthfleld  PJiUhhrmnnLt;  Cgncdrti^  33 
Smoke  NuitanCe,  Ul 
Sr?me[htDg  be;<'ii(]  a  Jokfr,  IIS 
Sr-in«thfuK  New  undrr  the  S<]D,  tflS 
SotlletbtDX  t>ut  cftho  ComoidD.  43 

SpD|r  or  tbB  Und«ruk»(TCia),  }i& 

Sparct  oh,  tptif  that  pDiiceiutD,  300 

Bp^KklDf  DtL^fcn,  S3 

sp](j«r  of  wpttmiBsttr  Bmll  (A],  1 1B 

Bpohr'i  CDitiblnKtloDt,  JV0 

ftlanley"*  Poor  I>o)l^,  94 

fittr  or  France  and  bla  fialuy  (7%^;^,  340 

Btethoficope  and  Lhe  NatiaDai  CIlBlti  I'M 

Sticlt-in-ihe  Mud  Oxford,  «a 

Slupptne  l1&U-way,l43 

gifan^e  Biida  In  £a&l*ad,  78 

8'rcet  lojtUTlM,  1S7 

Stmt  0|.cra  SeuoQ  (Thp)>  !^Q 

a  rnnFrnt  Thtnt  Id  the  Woild  (The),  in 

atrftnphotdfl  of  FJltb.  IJ3 

^un'a  Walk  (The),  fll 

T/kLn  dJa  WUftlcr  lA),  3S3 

Tb>i  kffranr's  DrPEOn,  S9g 

Tpn  Deputatlrm  (-nie}.  Sp 

Teit  or  JntemscDce,  9^ 

IhaiDFtWartr  lu  ibe  Ndnery  >^d  tha 

Gnrden,  03 
"  Therein  Land  Pirmtra.'"  ids 
Tlierehy  t-htifi  laO  TftiU  IQl 
ThermooieteT  of  [royalty^  vOi 
They  don't  kaow  a  Jokv  Ftaen  tbty  hear 

kfic.  117 
ThiDi^tbat  want  PatUnif  dawn.  «il 
Tbnugbti  Df  a  sUant  Member  [The),  AS 

Ttaoufhii  on  ft  Hew  Comedjr  49 
Tbrce  Butebm^  Bride,  t 
Time  Rlcj,  ifi 

ToUollceoie^  FTawken  of  Joklnr,  177 
Trapft  and  Aftttla  Trapa,  1 
TrrmbllDr  on  the  VcrEc  of  &  Joke^  41 


rmjHutTB  beware^  NO 

Tune  an  OUT  own  Trumpet  CA]*  m 

Tivelve  Uen  Id  a  Roz,  |if 

U^PAHiLi-auBD  MuniAce&eft^  U9 

Unprotected  FemaJa  [Thf  J,  ?,  If,  4L  U 

Vmnt  Lateit  Becrtt  [The)j  91 

Very  Poor  Scholars.  13S 

V3c»  oi  Epeeeh,  ]3a 

■*  Vl£H:lm  to  Lei  "  (Al,  «,  it 

Vlctciria  Blue  (The},  im 

Virg-iQ  Gold  HtiDten,  111 

Vooa  pa  avei  menUp  6(J 

WiiTftR  fTheJ.SI 

Waking  at  t1]«  BUtlOD.  &I 

War  to  the  Knife  aod  Fort,  S*(J 

Water  Kinga.  [The).  03 

What  'ain— aLiveiTT79 

Wmy  the  Money  p>e»  ^Ttie),  IK 

Weiikiiru  of  the  Whip  (Tbej,  i«s 

Weilber  iSIld  tbe  PaTcmentf  39 

Wei^bti  aod  Men,&are»(or theMltlion,i|| 

WeJIingtoD  Correipondence  (Tbi),  M6 

WWowi,  33 

"  Will  HO  Oae  tiftad  KotbKhUd  a  Scat  t  *' 

iig 
Wlady  ShiDdy  CAi.t?* 
What  afe  itis  Lawi  of  tHe  Raul  on  « 

Derby  Oay  ?  HJf 
What  Ho  r  Watchp  ]  pay  I  544 

WhKt  mJebC  bAve  bceo  done  wltb  tba 

Siirplu),  119: 
What '»ta  Become  of  the  MarbteArck,lS4 
Whteto  wiLhtn  WheeU,  laO 
Where  l4  Biiu  to  be  Pound  ?  #n 
Whlpper-ip't  Lament  [Tha?,  If* 
Wofle  new  Ballad  ot  Jane  Roney  %a4 

Mftry  Bmwn  rTtivMthji 

Wolf  of  Eieiei  Kail  [TbeK  ISO 
n'onderrul  Propvrttei  nf  Rent,  IS3 
WDOdcri  of  ft  LoDdoD  Water  Ilrap  fTbat* 

isa 
Wood,  ti.  Bricks  Itt 
Wooflca  Head!  of  Serflnoaha,  U 
WQOdeo  Walti  and  the  yfoodta  dHdi  or 

Ec^laad,  13^ 
World'a  *'Uultimi  In  Pafo/^  i3» 
Word  t4  I  ord  Joha  \A),  iSl 
WontorTaiei,  to 


An  Wf»n, 


•havivay  and  vrxm,  rRixrxiu,  wbitkvvam. 


M 


R.  PUNCH    presents    his    profounde?^    sense    of   admiration   and    respect    to    His    Royal    Highness 
Prince  Albert. 


Mb.  Punch,  having  conii»leted  auuther  Vohune — alwayn  a  national  event — ventures  to  address  His 
Royal  Highness^  as  the  originator  of  the  Exhibition  of  the  World's  Industry  in  1851 ;  convinced  that,  as 
His  Royal  Highness  is  deeply  interested  in  the  successful  issue  of  that  great  endeavour.  His  Royal  Highness 
will  learn  with  pccuhar  delight  the  intentions  of  Mr.  Punch  with  reference  to  his  own  proposed  contributions 
on  that  eventful  occasion. 

Mr.  Punch  proposes  to  send,  to  be  enshrined  in  the  Crystal  Palace,  his  Nineteen  Volumes,  superbly 
printed  on  sheep  Vellum — the  sheep  segregated  and  fed  on  the  aromatic  herbage  of  Mount  Hymettua — 
and  illuminated  with  colours  of  gem-Uke  lustre.  The  Nineteen  Volumes  will  be  bound  in  the  skins  of 
unicorns;  with,  at  least,  one  phcenix  feather  in  each,  by  way  of  marker. 

But  the  pageant  contemplated  by  Ma.  Punch — the  procession  from  his  cell,  S5,  Fleet  Street,  to  the 
Great  Glass  Hive  in  Hyde  Park — will,  Ma.  P.  humbly  believes,  afford  to  the  foreign  nations,  awhile  boarding 
and  lodging  in  England,  matter  of  most  valuable  iustruction  and  most  abounding  amusement. 

Even  as  the  Camel  carries  a  copy  of  the  Koran  to  Mecca,  so  will  each  and  every  of  the  Nineteen 
Volumes  be  home  from  S5,  Fleet  Street,  by  some  animal  of  significant  species,  (the  animal  richly  caparisoned, 
and  duly  mounted  and  paged,)  to  the  Palace  in  Hyde  Park. 

"Will  your  Royal  Highness  vouchsafe  to  Mr.  Punch  two  little  minutes,  that  he  may  just  hint,  in  general 
phrase,  at  his  preparations  for  the  great  event  ? 

VoiuMB  I.  will  be  deposited  in  a  superbly  carved  chest,  to  be  borne  upon  an  Elephant ;  the  Lord 
Mayor  himself — as  Punch's  fellow-citizen — having  offered  to  ride  on  the  neck  of  the  beast  and  to  take  every 


IT 


PREFACE. 


charge  of  the  precioai  tome.    The  Elephant  is  selected  as  typical  of  the  united  strength  and  gentleness  of 
Punch — of  the  power  that  can  root  np  the  upas,  or  play  with  a  rose-bud. 

YoLUM K  II.  will  be  carried  by  an  Ostrich.  And  wherefore  f  Is  not  the  pen  of  Punch  as  white  as 
&e  primett  plume  of  the  bird  ? 

Yotvuz  m.  upon  a  Lion— descended  in  a  direct  line  firom  the  original  British;  and  though^  when 
roused,  pouring  forth  a  roar  quite  equal  to  the  earliest  note  of  his  great  progenitor,  nerertheless,  a  Lion  in 
whom  silent  magnanimity  is  the  greater  quality  than  noise. 

YoLUME  lY.  wiU  be  consigned  to  the  Hippopotamus :  only  a  just  tribute  to  the  good-nature  that 
redeems  ugliness,  and  turns  what  would  otherwise  be  a  monster,  to  quite  a  pet. 

And  thus,  Mb.  Punch  proposes  to  lay  his  Nineteen  Yolnmes  on  the  backs  of  beasts  and  birds,  too 
various  for  your  Royal  Highness's  patience  to  be  particularised.  Suffice  it  to  say,  there  will  be  the  graceful 
Stag,  the  grisly  Bear,  the  massive  Brahmin  Bull — ditto  John,  represented  by  a  distinguished  amateur  from 
Smithfield ;  the  Giraffe,  the  Alpaca,  the  Porcupine ;  and,  saving  your  Royal  Highness,  the  very  cream  and  pith 
of  the  animal  world,  for  the  nonce  made  active  members  of  the  Parcels'  Pelivery  Company ;  and  guided  and 
waited  upon  by  a  whole  army  of  riders  and  attendants, — all  of  them  living  representatives  of  the  thousands 
of  pictorial  individuals  that  at  the  present  moment  people  the  pages  of  Punch,  as  thickly  as  fire-flies  bum 
in  a  tropic  night. 

When  the  procession  shall  have  reached  its  Crystal  destination,  the  Nineteen  Yolnmes — ^to  triumphant 
blasts  of  trumpets — will  be  duly  deposited  within  the  shrine  prepared  for  them.  A  guard  of  honour,  composed 
of  individuals  of  all  nations — so  that  all  the  inhabitants  of  all  the  globe  shall  be  represented,  clustered  around 
the  marvellous  work — shall  take  their  post,  to  be  duly  relieved,  pending  the  Exhibition.  Already  Mb.  Punch 
has  a  thousand  letters,  from  writers  in  every  nook  of  the  world,  supplicating  the  enjoyment  of  such  honour. 

And  thus,  your  Royal  Highness,  you  may  assure  yourself— &om  the  admiring  and  loyal  zeal  of  Punch — 
of  a  new  glory  for  the  Exhibition  of  1851.  And  that  the  thought  of  it  may  cast  an  added  light,  and  impart  a 
newer  pleasure  to  your  yet  merrier  Christmas,  and  your  still  happier  New  Year, 

Is  the  wish  of  your  Obedient  humble  Servant, 


^nixB)iuttxn. 


VOLUME    XIX. JULY   TO    DECEMBER,    1850. 


THE  EUSSELL  CABINET.— 1850. 

First  Lord  of  the  Treasury Lord  JoBur  RcsasLL. 

Lord  Chancellor Lord  Cottsithau. 

Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer Sir  C.  Wood. 

Chancellor  of  the  Duchy  of  Lancaster Lord  Campsslu 

President  of  the  Cotincil Karqcis  of  Lansdowxe. 

Lord  Privy  Seal Earl  or  Hnnro. 

Home  Office Sir  Gborok  Orbt. 

Foreign  Office ViaoouNT  Pauurston. 

Colonial  Office Earl  Qrey. 

Admiralty Sir  Franois  Thornhxll  Barimo. 

Board  of  Trade Mr.  H.  LABOaoHBRE. 

Board  of  Control    ....  Sir  John  Cam  Hobhousi. 

Postmaster-General MarquQ  or  Clakrioabdb. 

Woods  and  Forests Babl  or  Carubli. 


POLITICAL  SUMMARY. 


VAiOK 


/\K  July  2ad,  1850,  died  Sik  Robbrt  P£el.  Within  a  few 
^  hours  after  his  eloquent  speeoh  on  the  foreign  polioy  of  the 
country,  he  was  no  more.  The  fatal  accident  which  deprived 
him  of  life  occurred  on  Constitution  Hill  in  the  Green  Park. 
His  horse  becoming  restive,  swerved  towards  the  rails  of  the 
Park,  and  threw  Siu  Robebt  on  his  left  shoulder.  He  be- 
came almost  immediately  unoonsoionSf  but  revived  for  a  few 
moments,  and  then  relapsed  during  hb  progress  from  the  Park 
to  Whitehall  Gardens.  Sir  Robkrt  lingered  in  great  pain 
until  eleven  o'clock  of  July  2nd,  when  he  died,  surrounded  by 
the  principal  members  of  his  family,  except  Ladt  Peel,  whose 
painfully  excited  feelings  would  not  allow  her  to  remain.  It 
was  not  discovered  till  after  death  that  the  fifth  rib  oa  the 
left  aide  was  fractured,  and  this  pressing  on  the  lung,  pro- 
duced what  is  teohnioally  called  effusion  and  pulmonary 
engorgement. 

It  is  impossible  to  describe  the  feelings  of  regret  and  deep 
emotion  with  which  the  news  of  his  death  was  received  by  the 
public  The  House  of  Commons,  on  learning  his  decease, 
immediately  adjourned,  and  the  French  Assembly  gave  a 
striking  testimony  of  their  appreoiatioa  of  him  by  entering 
with  the  general  consent  a  minute  of  his  death,  and  of  thoir 
sympathetic  regret,  on  the  official  reoords  of  their  sittings. 
Sik  Robert  Peel's  family  having  declined  both  a  public 
funeral  and  a  peerage,  the  interment  took  place  at  the  quiet 
Tillage  church  of  Drayton  Bassett,  and  was  attended  by  thou- 
sands of  respectful  mourners. 

The  DiTKs  ov  CA][BBXi»eB  having  died  on  July  Stb,  both 
Houses  expnMod  their  oraidolenoe  and  eology.  A  propoeal  to 
settle  £12y000  ftysuoahis  ■aoDSSsw,  the  presoat  Dun  OT 


Caubbidoe   (1862),  met  with  considerable  opposition   from 
Mr.  Punch  and  other  sensible  members  of  the  community,  but    64 
the  amount  was  ultimately  granted,  and  has  been— all  things 
considered — much  better  deserved  than  many  similar  grants 
from  the  public  purse. 

Towards  the  dose  of  the  month  of  July  Baboiv  Rothschild, 
as  the  elected  of  the  City  of  London,  came  to  the  table  of  the 
House  of  Commons  to  take  the  oath,  desiring  to  be  sworn 
on  the  Old  Testament.  Sik  Robert  Ixglis  opposed  the  at- 
tempt ;  a  spirited  debate  ensued,  and  a  msjority  of  54  was 
obtained  by  Mb.  Hctue  in  favour  of  administering  the  oath  on 
the  Old  Testament. 

The  next  day  the  Baron  again  presented  himself,  but  in 
taking  the  oath  of  Abjuration  he  omitted  the  words,  "  on  the 
true  fSuth  of  a  Christian,"  whereupon  Sib  F.  Thesiobk 
moved  that  a  new  writ  should  issue  for  the  City  of  London, 
and  the  debate  was  only  terminated  by  the  ATTOBirBT-GBirEBAL 
carrying  two  resolutionB,  one  of  them  pledging  the  House  to  a  34 
measure  for  the  relief  of  the  Jews  at  the  oonunenoement  of 
the  next  Session. 

That  valuable  measure — ^the  Act  for  Prohibiting  Intramural 
Interments — ^received  the  Boyal  Assent,  as  did  the  Bill  for 
the  Extension  of  the  Jurisdiction  of  County  Courts,  an  im- 
portant instalment  of  Law  Reform,  and  for  which  we  are 
indebted  to  Mb.  Fitebot,  the  Member  for  Lewes,  A  Bill  for 
the  regulation  of  the  Mercantile  Marine,  (conceived  and  drawn 
by  the  present  exoellent  Registrar  of  Merohant  Seamen, 
OomiODOU  Bbowv,)  and  several  other  enactments  of  value, 
also  reoeived  the  Royal  Assent  before  the  prorogation  of  Par- 
lisment  by  the  Qcxnr  iaviQCM'ft.^s^^^'Vbi^^^s&^iiak^   V^ 


Vol.  XIX.] 


INTRODUCTION. 


[JVLT  TO  PBCBMBBB,  1850. 


that  time  the  conntrj  was  in  a  state  of  complete  tranqniUitj ; 
but  about  two  months  after  it  was  oonyulsed  from  one  end 
to  the  other  by  the  publication  in  England  of  the  insolent 
Papal  Brief,  constituting  a  Roman  Catholic  hierarchy  in 
England  and  Wales,  in  place  of  the  Yicars  Apostolic.  This 
brief  was  written  in  the  same  imperious  language  which  dis- 
tinguished the  Church  of  Rome  in  the  plenitude  of  its  mediseval 
power,  and  pretended  to  create  one  Arohiepiscopal  and  twelve 
Epiaoopal  sees,  marking  out  the  territorial  limits  of  the  new 
prorinoe  and  dioceses.  This  arrogant  document  mit  followed 
by  another  still  more  ofifensiye  from  its  insolence.  A  pastoral 
was  issued  by  the  newly-appointed  Cakdinal  Wisekak,  dated 
**  ont  of  the  Flaminian  Gate  at  Rome,''  oTerlooking  altogether 
the  existence  of  any  other  Church  than  the  Church  of  Rome  in 
England,  and  affecting  to  regard  England  as  a  nation  restored 
by  an  act  of  spiritual  sovereignty  to  the  communion  of  the 
Roman  Church.  There  were  other  ridiculous  and  mendacious 
assertions  in  this  Pastoral  which  stirred  the  Protestantism  of 
the  country.  Punch  exerted  his  best  energies  to  place  the  Papal 
Aggression  (as  it  was  called)  in  its  proper  light,  and  the  very 
marked  and  permanent  increase  in  the  circulation  of  this 
periodical  testified  most  nnmistakeahly  how  earnestly  the 
national  heart  was  touched  by  this  impertinent  proceeding  on 
the  part  of  the  Church  of  Rome.  Those  Brummagem  papists, 
the  Poseyites,  were  not  overlooked  by  Mr.  Punchf  and  it  is 
believed  that  many  followers  of  ceremonial  fashions  were  made 
to  see  the  absurdity  and  wickedness  of  playing  at  religion,  by 
the  teaching  of  these  pages. 

At  length  the  Prime  Uinister  spoke  out,  and  the  following 
letter  to  the  Bishop  of  Dttbham  was  most  warmly  welcomed 
by  the  people  at  large : — 

'*  My  dear  Lord, 

"  I  agree  with  you  in  considering  the  late  aggression 
of  the  Pope  upon  our  Protestantism  as  insolent  and  insidious, 
and  I  therefore  feel  as  indignant  as  you  can  do  upon  the  sub- 
ject. X  not  only  promoted,  to  the  utmost  of  my  power,  the 
claims  of  Roman  Catholics  to  all  civil  rights,  but  X  thought 
it  right  and  even  desirable,  that  the  ecclesiastical  system  of 
the  Roman  Catholics  should  be  the  means  of  giving  instruotion 
to  the  numerous  Xrish  immigrants  in  Xjondon  and  elsewhere, 
who,  without  such  help,  would  have  been  left  in  heathen 
ignorance.  This  might  have  been  done,  however,  without  any 
such  innovation  as  we  have  now  seen. 

"  Xt  is  impossible  to  confound  the  recent  measures  of  the 
Pope  with  the  division  of  Scotland  into  dioceses  by  the  Epis- 
copal Church,  or  the  arrangement  of  districts  in  England  by 
the  Wesleyan  Conference.  There  is  an  assumption  of  power 
in  all  the  documents  which  hare  come  from  Rome — a  preten- 
sion to  supremacy  over  the  realm  of  England,  and  a  claim  to 
sole  and  undivided  sway,  which  is  inconsistent  with  the 
QimEir*9  supremacy,  with  the  rights  of  our  Bishops  and  Clergy, 
and  with  the  spiritual  independence  of  the  nation  as  asserted 
even  in  Roman  Catholic  times.  I  confess,  however,  that  my 
alarm  is  not  equal  to  my  indignaUon,  even  if  it  shall  appear 
that  the  Ministers  and  Servants  of  the  Pops  in  this  oountry 


have  not  transgressed  the  law :  I  feel  persuaded  that  we  are 
strong  enough  to  repel  any  outward  attacks.  The  liberty  of 
Protestantism  has  been  enjoyed  too  long  in  England  to  allow 
of  any  successful  attempt  to  impose  a  foreign  yoke  upon  our 
minds  and  consciences.  No  foreign  prince  or  potentate  will 
be  permitted  to  fasten  his  fetters  upon  a  nation  which  has  so 
long  and  so  nobly  vindicated  its  right  to  freedom  of  opinion, 
civil,  political,  and  religious. 

"  Upon  this  subject  then  I  will  only  say  that  the  present 
state  of  the  l»w  shall  be  carefully  examined,  and  the  propriety 
of  adopting  any  proceedings,  with  reference  to  the  recent 
assumptions  of  power,  deliberately  considered. 

"  There  is  a  danger,  however,  which  alarms  me  much  more 
than  any  aggression  of  a  foreign  sovereign — clergymen  of  our 
own  church  who  have  subscribed  the  Thirty-nine  Articles,  and 
acknowledged  in  explicit  terms  the  CIitesk's  supremacy,  have 
been  the 'most  forward  in  leading  their  flocks,  step  by  step,  to 
the  very  verge  of  the  precipice.  The  honour  paid  to  Saints, 
the  claim  of  infallibility  for  the  Church,  the  superstitions  use 
of  the  sign  of  the  Cross,  the  muttering  of  the  Liturgy  so  as  to 
disguise  the  language  in  which  it  is  written,  the  recom- 
mendation of  auricular  confession,  and  the  administration  of 
penance  and  absolution — all  these  things  are  pointed  ont  by 
Clergymen  of  the  Church  of  England  as  worthy  of  adoption, 
and  are  now  openly  reprehended  by  the  Bishop  of  London  in 
his  charge  to  the  clergy  of  his  diocese. 

**  What  then  is  the  danger  to  be  apprehended  from  a  foreign 
prince,  of  no  great  power,  compared  to  the  danger  within  the 
gates  from  the  unworthy  sons  of  the  Church  of  England 
herself  7 

"  I  have  little  hope  that  the  propounders  and  framers  of 
these  innovations  will  desist  from  their  insidious  course  ;  but 
I  rely  with  confidence  on  the  people  of  England,  and  I  will 
not  bate  a  jot  of  heart  or  life  so  long  as  the  glorious  principles 
and  the  immortal  martyrs  of  the  Reformation  shall  be  held  in 
reverence  by  the  great  mass  of  a  nation  which  looks  with 
contempt  on  the  mummeries  of  superstition,  and  with  soom 
at  the  laborious  endeavours  which  are  now  making  to  confine 
the  intellect  and  «islave  the  lonl. 

"  X  remain,  with  great  respect,  &o., 
"  Downifig  Street,  Nov.  4."  **  J.  Russell." 

The  people  were  thoroughly  aroused,  and  displayed  their 
resistance  to  the  Aggression  by  Addresses  to  the  Throne, 
County  meetings  and  other  significant  demonstrations,  until 
at  last  Cakdinal  Wiseuak  put  forward  a  long  and  elaborate 
address,  in  which  he  attempted  to  show  that  the  proposed 
change  had  been  adopted  for  the  more  regiilar  administra- 
tion of  the  Roman  Catholic  Church  in  England,  and  only  at 
the  request  of  English  oommuaioants  I  But  no  sophistry  could 
disguise  the  striking  contrast  between  this  address  and  the 
Pastoral  addressed  to  his  own  people ;  and  though  the  inge- 
nuity of  the  composition  was  generally  acknowledged,  its 
arguments  were  despised,  or  laughed  at.  We  shall  have  to 
refer  again  to  this  subject  in  our  next  volume. 


Vol.  XIX.] 


INTRODUCTION. 


[JVLT  TO  BbORMBBK,   1850. 


NOTES, 


-AOK 

5  Verily)  Brother  Ashley,  &c.  —  The  present  Easl 
Russell  and  Eakl  Shattebbttht.  The  cut  refers  to  the 
Post  Office  difficulty  explained  in  the  "  Political  Summary" 
to  our  last  roliime.    See  also  p.  8,  poet. 

0  A  Strong  Suit  in  Diamonds. — The  Kepauleso  Ambas- 
sadora  to  England  generally  appeared  profusely  decorated  with 
diamonds. 

0  From  an  Old  Friend  in  a  New  Flace.— Until  the 
House  of  Commons  was  ceiled  with  glass  there  existed  a  very 
troublesome  echo. 

10  Albert  I  Spare  those  Trees  I— The  proposal  to  place  the 
Exhibition  Building  of  1851  in  Hyde  Park  was  strongly 
opposed  by  Colonel  Sibthobp  and  others,  until  tho  adoption 
of  Sib  Joseph  Paxton'b  beautiful  design. 

12  Hyde  Park  in  Jeopardy. — ^Mnoh  to  the  credit  of  the 
masses,  none  of  the  uneomfortable  predictions  of  this  article 
werejrealised. 

13  Building  Glass  Castles  in  the  Air.— The  first  design 
accepted  for  the  Exhibition  Building  of  1851  was  an  oblong 
briok  structure  with  a  large  glass  dome. 

17  A  JBCiserable  Character.— Southwark  Bridge  has  vcry 
few  passengers. 

17      A  Little  Speech  from  a  Little  Blue-coat  Boy.— It 

was  thought  at  this  time  that  considerable  nepotism  prevailed 
with  regard  to  the  presentations  to  ChrisVs  Hospital,  and  that 
the  well-to-do  connections  of  some  of  the  wealthy  Governors 
had  an  undue  preference  of  election. 

19      A  Very  Brazen  "  Trumpet." — The  Morning  Herald. 

23      The  Belgravians'  Lament. — To  carry  out  the  plan  for 
25  the  brick  and  glass  Exhibition  Building  of  1851,  it  appeared 

to  be  necessary  to  cut  down  some  of  the  fine  old  trees  in  Hyde 

Park. 

29  Our  "Sn  idrmoriam."— Sik  Eobsbt  Peel  died  July  2, 
1850. 

30  The  Beal  Street  Obstructions  were  scarcely  exaggerated 
in  this  cut.    They  were  shortly  after  put  down  by  the  Police. 

35  Ministers  getting  over  the  Business  of  the  Session. 
— LoKD  John  Russell,  Sir  C.  Wood,  Sir  Francis  Baring, 
Lord  Palmebston,  Earl  of  Carusle,  Fox  Mattle,  Clak- 
RicARDE,  Sib  John  Cam  Hobdouse,  &o. 

55  Whig  Economy  refers  to  the  Cambridge  Job  of  £12,000 
per  annum.    Page  54. 

62  Balloon  Scientific  Preparations  fbr  the  Ensuing 
Week. — Mr.  Green  the  veteran  aeronaut,  had  been  adver- 
tised (in  imitation  of  a  man  in  Paris)  to  ascend  on  the  back  of 
a  horse  attached  to  a  balloon.  The  Magistrates  prevented  the 
cruel  and  absurd  exhibition. 

65  The  Boyal  Rising  Qeneration. — Application  had  been 
made  recently  for  the  purchase  of  Marlborough  House  for  the 
Prince  of  Wales. 

70  Proctor  to  Vndergraduate. — Incredible  as  it  may  seem, 
some  "  &st "  Oxonians  perpetrated  dresses  as  extravagant  as 
the  one  here  represented. 

74  SKuunttftd  Bobbery  oommittad  on  IGr.  Washington 
Irving. — Mb.  Bohv,  a  publisher,  had  reprinted  for  his  own 
advantage  some  of  Imvnro't  works. 


PAQS 

A   Gentleman    in    Difficulties.— Babok    Rothsciuld    75 
had  been  elected  M.P.  for  the  City  of  London,  but  refused 
admission  to  the  House  of  Commons. 

Olass   Houses    of    Parliament. — How  well  Mr.   (now    81 
Sir  Joseph)  Paxton  deserved  this  eulogy  has  been  acknow- 
ledged by  half  tho  civilised  world.    And  yet — such  is  National 
gratitude — he  is  not  found  among  the  Royal  Commissioners 
for  1862. 

The  Simday  Post  Delivery  was  resumed  in  compliance    87 

with  tho  loudly  expressed  wish  of  the  general  community. 

**  This  House  to  I«et."— The  House  of  Commons.  95 

A    Few   Words    about    Oiirselves  aro  equally  appH-    99 
cable  to  Punch  in  1862.     Hem ! 

The  Height    of   Extravagance.— Me.    Gordgit  Citm-  100 
UINO,  the  Lion  Hunter,  was  said  in  his  Autobiography  to 
have  destroyed    many  hippopotami,  and    some    in  a  very 
remarkable  manner. 

The  Homoeopathic  System  of  Howards. —The  Great  113 
George  SxEPnENSoir. 

Byron's  Hazeppa. — This  popular  hippodrama   is    still  134 
running!  (1862.) 

The    Hatrimonial    Snot.  —  The  Siamese  Twins  were  135 
united  to  each  other  by  a  large  fleshy  ligament. 

Female  Barristers.— Mrs.    Cobbrtt,  the  lady  referred  144 
to,   contiaued  her  applications  until  1862,  when   the   new 
Bankruptcy  Act  came   into    operation,   and    compelled  the 
release  of  Mr.  Cobbett. 

A   Sketch  of    Character    by    Professor    Milkansop  154 
the  Celebrated  Oraphiologist. — There  have   been  many 
graphiologists  since    1850,   and  who    professed  to    tell  the 
character  of  people  from  their  handwriting. 

Poitevin's  last  Polly.— See  p.  62,  ante.  159 

Chancery    and    Chancery  X4ane.— To  the  disgrace  of  161 
the  Woods  and  Forests,  the  grievance  complained  of  in  this 
article  remains  until  the  present  day  (1862). 

The  Oolden  Brougham. — A  similar  striking  resemblance  165 
to  3fr.  Punch  was  found  in  California,  and  kindly  forwarded 
to  that  illustrious  personage. 

A  Beflection. — The  advertising  slop-sellers  at  intervals  182 
continue  the  annoying  mode  of  circulating  their  lists  of  prices 
as  described  in  this  article. 

Pontifical  News. — The  Papal  Aggression  had  begun.  182 

A  CosmopoUte  Hotto  for  the  Exhibition  of  1851.  183 
— Punch  gave  (by  the  pen  of  Douglas  Jbrkoli))  the  name  of 
the  Crystal  Palace  to  the  Exhibition  Building  of  1851. 

The  Hinisterial  Complete  X<etter-Writer. — See  Intro-  204 
duction, 

A  Voice  from  the    Bottle  was  heard  and  attended  to  206 
in  many  Hotels  and  Taverns  in  Great  Britain. 

Bub    up    your    Bltinderbuss. — Tho    Frimley   murder  256 
oreated  a  great  sensation  at  this  time.    The  victim  was  the  177 
Bev.  Mr.  Hollest,  and  the  trial  of  Jokes,  Suim  and  Hab- 
WOOD,  had  many  curious  points  of  interest.    The  Burglaries 
in  1850  were  alarming,  many  of  them  being  attended  with 
more  or  less  violenoe. 


HERE'S  TO  THE  VOLUME. 

AT  one  of  the  reocut  bonquelA  given  by  Punch  to  himself,  in  cooime- 
moralion  of  the  coronienccincnt  of  his  Nineteenth  Volume,  he  hftd 
the  honour  of  proposing  his  own  health,  and  returning  his  own  thanks  for 
his  own  coinpUment.  In  reply,  he  begged  leave  to  excuse  hiinsclf  from 
rising,  as  he  vaa  already  on  his  legs,  and  always  meant  to  he,  but,  with 
his  owi  ticrmission,  he  would  sing  him&clf  a  song,  if  he  woiJd  permit 
himsetf.  The  proposition  from  himself  having  been  acceded  to  by  him- 
self, with  a  hearty  inward  chcrr,  or  ehuckJc.  -Vr.  PuntH  proceeded  to 
obaunt,  with  a  voice  as  clear  as  clianticleer,  the  fuUowiog  ilncchan&Liau :— 

Here's  to  the  Volume  of  jolly  Nineteen, 
For  June,  eighteen  hundred  and  fifty ; 
Here 's  to  old  JrBT,  of  humour  the  qnccn, 
And  ToBr,  the  house-dog  so  thrifty. 
Let  the  wine  flow, 
llapid  or  slow, 
1  warmnt  'twill  prove  an  excuse  for  bon  moi. 

Here 's  to  the  artist  whose  cuts  we  so  pme. 

Here  *8  to  the  writer  of  ftin.  Sire, 
Here's  to  the  brain  that  the  satire  supplies, 

Here 's  to  the  man  with  the  pun,  Sirs. 
Let  the  vine  flow,  Ac. 


Here 's  to  the  Sibtuorp,  who  lets  his  tongue  go. 

As  if  be  wereplaying  bob  cherry  • 
Here's  to  the  Hum.  that  very  "^old  Joe," 

At  which  we  have  laughed  and  made  merry. 
Ijct  the  wine  flow,  &c. 

hei  them  be  clever,  or  let  them  be  dull, 

I  tickle  them  all  with  my  feather; 
So,  pour  mc  a  bumper  of  ink  out,  quite  fall. 
And  I  'U  toast  them  and  roast  them  together. 
Let  the  wine  flow, 
!Upid  or  slow, 
I  warrant  'twill  prove  aa  excuse  for  bon  mot. 


Who's  my  Uneler 


A  TAWOCS  and  importAnt  controversy  is  now  ra^'ng  in  the  ChronUte 
— whether  Louis-PflmrPE,  when  he  dropt  upon  his  kneo  at  Stowe  to 
Louis  XVm.,  was  addressed  as  "  my  nephew,"  and  whether  the  said 
Louis-PinMri'£  replied  "my  uncle!"  Certain  correspondents  affirm 
that  the  Duke  could  not  call  the  King  his  "uncle,"  there  bein^no 
avunculftr  relationship  between  them:  others  maintaui  that,  "particu- 
larly aa  regards  Koyal  houses^"  the  term  unole  is  indeHnitcly  used  on 
the  ooDtinent,  as  a  term  of  affection ;  even,  we  presume,  as  it  is  some- 
times used  in  houses,  not  Royal,  in  England ;  when  folks  speak  of  certain 
objects  bearing  peculiar  interest,  they  name  them  as  being  under  the 
especial  guardianship  of  their  "ancl«  " 


Vou  XIX,— 1860. 


-^sQ.^RSft.. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARTVAKL 


DESIGNS  rOR  THE  PAYILION  OF   185L 

EVERAL  persons  ar©  of  opimon  tbat  the  preTailiiig 
character  of  th^e  de&iffDS — ^wbich  Uave  been  sbown 

rliat  eminently  Civil  mtitntc  of  En^eera — is  the 
nee  of  any  character  at  all. 
There  U  the  lone  dea%n^ — of  the  early  English  Shed 

J  jjj  '^'^^^^J^L^,^^*  'TJL  li  ^^f^^^'^^f,     J '    ^^^  VrJ'^  '*^^  5  jS^f^       iJS^y^SEh      character,  eitramely  pkm — uglv  in  the  Lighest  degree. 

T   X   ^'^  /''^-^S^^     ^  H.-f  f  -  ^       ^^Hc   r\'^'/^!S\    Jv^SbS^^S?      Tfaere  i*  ditto  with  domes,  looking  like  a  sjstetn  of 

^[iganlic  rat-traps,  Tliere  seem  to  be  oojy  two  ob- 
jertiona  tn  a  dome  of  the  size  proposed  in  moat  of 
these  designs.  The  first  b,  that  it  is  very  donbtfoi 
whether  it  can  be  erected  at  all,  and  the  second,  that 
it  ■Hrill  be  of  no  possible  nse  if  erected.  The  Com- 
mittee have,  therefore,  determined  on  having  such  a 
dome.  Thea  there  are  the  florid  composite  desLErns, 
which  arc  in  oq  st^le  at  ali,  being  of  all  styles  together. 
SorEB,  hbA  ol  coarse  sent  a  pkn,  which  on^it, 
properly,  to  be  caUed  a  recipe.  The  iUui^trioua  man 
13  Sent  on  becoming  &Q  Architectural  a3  well  as  a 
Gastronomic  llegrenerator.  His  design  is  reraarkable 
for  the  prominence  given  to  the  cuhnary  departraent ; 
and  pemiips,  if  the  dome  proposed  by  tne  Committee 
could  be  turned  upside  down^  the  illustrious  /^^^ 
might  make  it  usefiu  as  a  soup-kettle  of  all  nations. 
SoiXR  clearly  se^i  in  the  Exposition  a  tlorious 
opportunity  for  eihibitins  tbe  industry  of  the  titchea 
on  a  frigimtic  scale ;  colossal  casseroUs  are  abtady 
^Immerinj^  in  hia  bnun^^  and  monster  marmies  are 
fiabblingr  benealh  hia  velvet  can.    There  is  a  mr»dest  featnre  in  Soter's  plan  which  deseires  notice.    He  purposes  to  talce  the  marble  arch 

IS  a  portico  to  his  pavihoa^    On  the  top  is  to  be  raised  a  colossal  emblematic  ^ronp,  "in  hecionr  of  the  proposer."     We  cannot  refrain  from 


c3:hortiik^  oar  countrVj   "Soifiz  Gener&^x  au  Gthm'eax  tiaiier^"  and  turp  the  marble  arch  into  a  pedestal  for  the  great  man  whom  the  rnimteful 
iLnd  suiodal  Reform  Club  have  ftHowcd  to  det>ittt"tho  mao  who  has  civilised  theni,    "  As  Aut>x;sTU3j"  one  day  observed  the  illustrious  Alext; 


vith  that  huroility  which  distiDgniahca  true  gcnivigj 
andleftit'ffB&r'Jffw/.'  " 


found  Rome  of  brick,  and  left  it  of  marble, — so  I  fonnd  the  Reform  Clnb  '  ^wf  ^iffoU^ 


THE  IKSOLENCE  OJ  BEADLEDOM. 

Beadledom:  baa  been  for  some  years  growing  upon  na,  nntil  at  last 
it  has  come  to  be  looked  upon  as  one  of  the  Instiiulions  of  the  countij', 
and  as  Buch  it  b  liable  to  abuse,  for  the  ^uardin^  against  vhich  all  our 
vijplaoce  is  required.  Beadledom,  once  confiued  to  the  parish,  has 
crept  into  our  squares,  insinuated  itself  into  our  arcadf^s,  aud,  indeed* 
become  so  genera],  that  to  say  we  are  hterally  awamiiiig  with  beadles 
would  be  jtn  extrsva|?nnt  tlg^ure.  As  an  Institntiou,  when  it  growa  with 
\igonr,  is  liable  to  run  into  prurient  cice&s,  bo  the  incfease  of  beadle- 
dotti  bos  been  attended  ftitb  results,  in  some  resjiecta,  deplorable. 

Tlie  cocked  hat  has  been  cocked  up  somcwliat  too  high,  and  the  staJT 
has  been  braudishtd  a  little  too  boldly  in  these  latter  days^  when, 
indeed.  Me  niigLt  have  expected  that  oqc  of  Carlvle's latter-day  pam- 

Khlets  would  have  been  devoted  to  beadledom.  Its  insolence  has, 
owever,  received  a  blow  at  the  hands  of  the  respectable  Court  of 
Aldermen,  whose  wives  luid  daughters  were,  in  a  recent  instance,  treated, 
by  mi 8 lake,  as  if  they  formed  part  of  the  public  m  general.  It  is  the 
iisiuil  priifitico  of  l^euLlledom  to  erin^  to  authority,  and  play  the  Jack- 
iu-office  to  the  ontcr  world  -  and  as  a  tlnnky  niay  not  know  all  the 
members  of  a  nimieroue  familj,  ^o  a  beadle  may  uuw  and  then  iriakc  a 
niisLake,  by  acting  the  bully  where  he  would  otherwise  have  pbiycd  the 
sycophant. 

\\t^  arc  rejoiced  at  seeing  the  humbled  head  of  abashed  beadledom 
bruised  by  Ice  hand  of  superior  authority,  and  thougli  it  is  only  civic  in- 
soleuce  llmt  liaa  felt  the  blow,  \sc  feel  that  Jack- Lii-oiEce-dom  oil  over 
the  world  has  rccctvcj]  a  lesson  which  will  not  be  lost  upon  the  whole 
universe  oftmdcrlinpa, -who  generally  act  upon  the  principle  that  llic 
less  authority  they  legitimittely  possess,  the  more  will  they  assume  to 
add  to  it, 


A  Vehicle  for  Satire. 


TiTEBE  were;  of  course,  himdrcfis  of  equipages  of  nil  sorta  at  <he 
House  of  I^^rda  on  tlie  niKht  of  1  lie  grand  achate  on  Lorui  STAJHt^ir's 
motion,  but  it  was  remarked  by  ourselves  as  a  very  odd  coincidence, 
that  the  carriage  of  the  CmiTAJ.i£H  Bu>sen  waa  immcdtateJy  followed 
by  a  very  shabby  Beouoilut,  which  juvc  the  idea  of  a  most  dbt^pu- 
tabU  turn  out. 

Fti^  MedAl   for  the  HxMbitioa  of  1S51. 

Wb  are  informed  that  the  legend  selected  for  (lie  Prize  Meda]  is, 
"Enghmd  hopes  for  peace  with  all  the  world."  The  obvcrae  is  to  be 
BaiTANMA  with  a  loung  Lamb,  oiw  tlie  Old  Lion.  What  if,  for  the 
reverse^  Ihe  Committ&a  chose  a  head  of  PAuamfiTOii,  ^Sftrfpmt,  with 
the  legend^  "  ]\'emo  toe  imptnti  kti^stit," 


ENCOURAGEJJENT  TO  ENTER  THE  ARMY;  OR  A  SCARE* 
CROW  TO  ERIGHTEN  RECRUITS. 

Major-General  Napieh  writes  a  letter  to  the  Time*^ 

Which,  we  consider,  at  o^r  hands  requires  a  few  short  rhyraeai ; 

HejTive^  the  touching  story,  line  for  line,  and  word  for  word, 

Of  RiCHABD  Ogdes,  lately  private  in  the  Eorty-'lTiird, 

Who  served  in  the  Peninsida^is  now  an  aged  man — 

And  has  }ust  beea  discharged  as  a  disabled  veteran. 

Now  what  should  you  imagine  L5  the  worn-out  hero's  pay  P 

A  war-medalj  and  avepeucc  to  subsist  upon  per  day. 

When  he  from  his  pansh  asks  what  Govcmnient  denies, 

"  Konsenae !  you  're  a  pensioner !"  the  Union  Board  replica ; 

Two-and. elevenpence  a  week  have  Ogden  and  his  wife^ 

That 's  all  between  the  ^sir  to  ke^  tOEether  soul  and  hfe. 

Out  of  this  pittance^  which  can't  fitid  tliem  half  enough  to  eatp 

Rent,  and  [of  all  thni^)  Taxeii,  this  old  soldier  hjis  to  meet. 

Erotii  AiBEJi-T's  Show  of  warlike  arms  who  the  exclusion  urge. 
Would  probably  object  to  Ooden's  being  there  displayed, 
A  sample  English  veteran  by  a  grateful  country  paid  P 

Easy  is  the  answer:  Messieuhs  CoBDEJff  Sturge  and  Bright, 
Could  not  possibly  desire  a  more  persuasive  sight, 
To  hinder  trom  euiisttrient  any  spirited  young  maiL 
Than  Richahd  Ocden,  shown  iis  "  The  Rewarded  Veteran." 


LORD  SAOKCLOTH-AND-ASHLEYS. 

V^.%&%iQ^^.~Oxi  cousidenilion  of  our  deaiie  to 
coniTiiemomtc  tlie  pious  serviees  of  oiir  dear  cousin,  the 
Member  for  Bathj  and  heretofore  known  as  Loeu 
AsaLBT,— 

It  ia  ouir  pleasure,  that,  in  t^naideration  of  our  dear 
co^isin's  successful  attempt  to  shut  up,  put  down,  mid 
otherwise  confine  and  castigate  Sunpa^,  tbat  he  shall 
heneeforth  assume  the  title  and  name  of— 

LORD  SACKCLOTH- AND-ASHLEYS ; 
And  further,  that  he  shall  be  empowered  to  quarter 
a  cinder-sieve  with  his  armorial  bearinga,^^  cinder- 
sieve  with  a  Pilgrim'  a  Shirt  of  Sackdoth  proper. 

Given  under  our  hand,  at  our  Office,  86,  Fleet  Street,  Jane  24,  lS50j 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A    BIT    OF    MY    MIND. 


I 


BIT  THE  NINTH. 


mui.  VOCRKU  TOUTELT  BEG8  THR   ATTESTIOS  OP  LOW)  ASHLEY, 

Heabing,  Mr.  Pvnrk,  to  my  preat  pride — and  what  ounl  Peacock 
called  n  jjTopcr  pride,  I  was  nlways  proud  to  confess  to;  for  pride,  us 
she  U5CU  to  say.  io  human  creatures,  is  like  winfs  to  a  bird,  there 's  no 
peltinfr  up  in  the  world  without  it — hewing,  Mr.  Puneh,  that  my  little 
Sunday  BiU  of  Parliament,  wilh  which  I  was  60  bold  aa  to  trouBlc  you 
last  we«k,  has  been  taken  m  the  most  afFnblc  manner  by  1«ord  Ashley, 
and  what  llie  Exeter  Hall  beadle  calls  hia  Lordsltip'a  Bird  of  Paradise 
Tail,  meaning,  as  he  says,  no  disrespect  to  Mr.  De  Newgate,  Ma. 
Sttjmptree,  and  such  others  ; — hearing,  as  1  say,  that  what  I  nnist 
call  my  little  maiden  effort  at  a  Bill — for  Mocser  says  it's  a  word  I  've 
btill  a  ri^'lit  to  in  such  a  matter — lias  set  Loim  AsKLEr  and  his  friends 
a-thinking  how  to  give  proper  effect  to  every  one  of  my  claws,  1  am 
still  more  emboldened  to  go  no,  pattinnr  Sunday  in  decent  mourniiig,  for 
the  benefit  of  my  fellow-crcaturcs,  whether  they  will  be  benefited  or  no. 
Supposing  Lord  Ashley  is  determined  to  put  Sunday  into  a  strait- 
waistcoat,  what  has  Sundav  to  do,  but  to  ait  down  and  accommodate 
itself  to  the  clothim;^  Yi\s  Lordship  knows  best  what  is  fittest  for 
Sunday  in  this  worM;  and  has,  no  doubt,  as  they  say  in  the  newspapers, 
inteUigeiice,  private  and  cxclosiTe,  from  tbo  next,  Wc  ought  to  bless 
ourselves,  as  the  beadle  say.**,  that  wc  ^'c  .'iuoJi  a  pillow  of  camphor 
among  us — such  spikenard  in  the  House  of  Commons,  such  Bmik 
incense  to  keep  Paruoment  from  corruption. 

And  Ihcrcfore  it  is — whatever  MocsER  miplil  say  to  the  contrary — 
that  1  'vc  kept  awake  and  restless  these  two  nik'hts  for  the  good  of  my 
coimtry,  und  oul  of  the  hij^hest  respect  1o  Lokd  Ashley  iu  particular. 
I  feci,  as  I  tcU  Houser,  thai  ever}*  female  ought  to  be  with  his  Lord- 
ship m  his  struggle  with  the  Sabbath,  nien  the  dear  good  man  lias 
rniuoiids  and  Bteainboota  against  him,  wc  of  the  weaker  sex — as  man 
in  his  conceit  (and  it's  just  Uke  his  impudence!)  calls  us — we  of  the 
tenderer  sex  ought  never  to  rest  until  to  a  woman  we  're  witli  him. 
The  proper  way  to  be^in  with  Sunday — as  I  say  to  Mousin— is  in  the 
kitchen !  Cola  mcaX  is  the  first  step  to  a  pure  state.  The  roasting 
jack,  as  I  obserre,  is  the  prime  mover  of  carnal  sin :  it  works,  though 
nobodr  sees  it — but  it  docs  work  for  all  that,  with  the  steam-engine 
on  rauwBys,  with  steamboats,  and  with  the  penny  post.  Stop  the 
Sabbath  roasting-jack,  and  yon  bind  Rowland  Uill  over  in  oiains 
to  keep  the  peace  all  tne  Sunday. 

Antf,  therefore — at  the  Fancy  Sackcloth  Sablwth  Fair,  which  is  about 
to  be  held,  but  of  which  I  shan't  say  another  syllable  at  this  moment 
—therefore  ara'l  Lord  Ashley's  bhwle-bones  nat'rally  expected  to 
carrr  all  before  'cmP  For  it  is  well  known  to  all  his  Lordship's 
kitcuen  that  he  alwavs — out  of  example  to  the  nobility  and  gentry  who, 
somehow,  won't  follow  him — always  keeps  a  cold  Sunday.  I  'a  defy 
any  living  creature,  with  the  sharpest  pair  of  eyes,  let  him  watch  the 
whole  blessed  day.  to  sec  a  single  whin  of  smoke  come  out  of  any  of  his 
Lordship's  Sundav  chimnies.  With  his  Lordship,  for  these  live  vears 
past,  a  cc'ld  shoulder  of  mutton  i^  the  Sunday  dish— and  all  to  his  glory ! 

Which  brings  me  to  the  blade-bones.  When  I  was  a  girl,  I  remember 
reading  about  a  BaBON  Trenck  who  married  some  Emperor's  sister 
against  his  will,  and  was  seized  upon  in  tbe  very  fin>t  step  of  the  honey- 
moon and  shut  up  in  a  cell,  where  he  cut  all  sorts  of  fancy-work  upon 
his  tin  mugs:  wliich  mugs  fetch  more  than  virgin  gold.  Well,  the 
beadle  of  the  Uall  tells  nie—and  though  Mouser  won't  beUeve  it,  I'll 
be  sworn  for  every  syllable — that  there's  Exeter  Hall,  with  portnuta  of 
liORD  Ashley,  Mb,  Db  Newgate,  Mb.  STtXiCPTBEE,  and  others, 
beautifully  cut  on  each  of  the  cold  shouldcr-of-muttoa  bhue-bones  of  his 
Lordship,  which,  with  a  running  text  going  round  'em  in  a  hemlock 
border,  is  expected  to  bring  any  amount  of  money ;  no  reall}'  pious 
family  ncing  expected  to  feel  comfortable  without  one. 

But,  Mr.  Punchy  supposing  that  at  the  Fauoy  Sackcloth  Sabbath 
Fair  about  to  be  held,  as  I  hear,  in  the  Thames  Tunnel — being  a  com- 
fortable and  serious  maco,  quite  away  from  Haunting  giddy  daylight — 
BUDposing  that  the  HoK.  Miss  Vbbju  ice,  who  has  IdiSly  undertftken  the 
Blade-bone  Stall  has  all  hia Lordship's  bones  for  the  last  live  years,  why 
liow  many  will  that  be?  Let's  see;  for  after  all.  as  Mouser  says,  not 
tliat  I  quite  believe  him,  "  tius  bttais  of  crery  moral  object  is  aritiunelic;" 
let 's  see  the  number : — 

A  shoulder  of  mutton  onoe  a  week  for  a  twelvemonth    59 
Multiply  by  five  years 5 

Total  blade-bones 200 

Now,  taking,  as  Mogseb  says,  morals  at  the  lowest  ebb,  and  sup- 
poviog  every  cut  and  carved  sLoulder-bJodc  fetches  only  three  poumls, 
this  will  give  ua— 

seo 
a 

Price  of  blade- bones  at  £3 £780 


Well,  with  this — we  'U  cdi  it  eight  hundred  pounds,  for  of  oourac 
many  people  won't  tliink  of  taking  oliange  out  of  their  five  •pound -not  C4 
—with  Ihis  right  hundred  ixjuuds.  1  propose  tliat  wc  sliaU  buy  a 
piece  nf  grounil  in  thp  verv  heart  of  Loudon— if  it  hiis  a  heart,  wliith 
1  doubt — liiid  huMu^  Iwugfii  it,  Ihiitwe  (that  is,  a  Society,  that 's  as 
easily  hatched  out  of  the  Hall — thti  bradlc  assures  niL* — as  u  dove's 
egg's  hatched  under  Mb.  Cai^telo)  that  we  make  over  the  uhole  plot 
to  LoBD  Ashley,  to  rear  a  mttem  Sunday  upon  after  his  own  hrnrt. 
entirely  for  tbe  carrring  out  nis  own  will  and  pleasure,  and  to  the  mn- 
fusion  of  the  stiffncckcd  and  vain-glorious  of  all  Sabbath-breaking 
Eusland. 

*'  Mouses,"  said  T.  wauling  a  name.  "  When  wc  'vc  bought  the  plot, 
what  shall  we  call  it  ?  " 

"  AsiiLKYOPt>us,"  said  Mouser  ;  and  though  I  don't  kuow  what  it 
means,  it  sounds  well,  and,  as  the  ocadJc  observed,  rolls  full  out  of  the 
mouth,  like  double  Xa  out  of  a  bottle. 

AsnLEVopOLis — built  upon  Sunday  blade-bones — will  Imve  a  moral  in 
the  very  foundation  that  is  quite  reviving  to  think  of  when  wc  remember 
the  beginnings  of  some  places.  Why,  Mr,  Purtck,  there's  nothing  in 
all  Pil^rim'a  Proprew  like  it.  And  won't  it  in  a  space  of  London— don't 
you  think  we  could  gel  Smithlield  ?-^like  a  hunp  of  salt-petre,  help  to 
keep  all  sweet  and  wholesome  about  it?  Then  his  LL»rdsnip  can  rmly 
show  us  what  he  means  to  make  of  Sunday— and  folk^  be  cditied  and 
oonvcrted  aocordinglr. 

Wliilst  the  Fancy  Sackcloth  Fair  is  only  upon  Ihe  carpet,  1  can't  be 
expected  to  go  fully  into  it ;  hut  aa  I  feel  my  thoughts  upoa  the  matter 
growing  like  mustard-seed,  vou  must  allow  me — money  being  the  great 
nmttcr — to  offer  another  notion  that 's  come  into  my  head,  to  show  how 
a  handsome  sum  might  be  raised  upon  his  Lordiihip's  Fancy  Portrait. 
And — if  you  please — in  this  way. 

It  was  only  yesterday  that  I  wont  to  the  Zoologioal  Gardens  to  sec 
the  doin^  of  the  Amb  Smike  Ctianners.  Jabab  Ai^tv  Hauaji  and  his 
friend,  with  the  horrid  reptiles  of  the  establishment.  It  waa  altogether 
curious,  and  plcasaut,  aud  dreadful  to  see  Jabar  take  up  addci-s  and 
niltlesnnkcs  aud  tic  'em  into  true  lovers'  knot^.  aud  put  'em  round  his 
legs,  like  any  Knight  of  the  Garter.  As  for  boas,  he  minded  'em  no 
more  than  tape-worms ! 

Well,  Mr.  Punch,  the  thoughtless  and  giddy  world,  with  mouths  wide 
open,  wondered,  and  thar  was  all.  Not  so  with  your  humble  scnant. 
No,  Sir;  I  flatter  myself  I  looked  a  little  deej^er.  Not  a  single  snake 
tlmt,  as  the  poet  says  I  didn't  point  a  mora!  with  his  tail !  And 
for  the  charmer  himself,  I  saw  no  Jabar  Abou  Hajjab  from  slony 
Arabia,  but  iu  my  mind's  looking-ghiss,  Lord  Asulev,  Member  for 
Bath! 

Yr,«(,  Mr.  pHnch,  there  was  his  Lordship,  and  there — that  Post^Ofllce 
Snake,  onlv  in  the  shape  of  the  worst  serpent  of  the  lot — IIowlvvd 
Rill  !  lucre  was  the  Charmer  from  Bath,  making  no  account  at  all  of 
the  speckled  reptile — (and  if  I  didn't  sec  thousnnds  and  thousands  of 
Post  OOice  heads  worked  and  embroidered  in  his  skin,  I  never  saw  any 
thing  !) — but.  twisting  him  round  and  round  ;  and  jit  last,  tying  liini  in  a 
double  knot — (as  bo  has  done  in  the  Uou^e  of  Commuiis)  aud  throwing 
him  in  a  oomer,  to  untie  himself  if  he  ran ! 

That  is  what  I  said,  Mr.  Punrh ;  and  that  is  what  1  should  Uke  Uie 
people  of  all  F.nghmd  to  sec.  Therefore,  /  humbly  propose  to  one  of 
vour  artists,  or  any  other  Koyal  Academy  niau,  to  draw  a  |K)rtniit  of 
LoRj)  Ashley,  the  Post-Office  Snake  Charmer :  showing  his  Lordship 
tying  up  the  Serpent  Kowla.vd  Uill  in  a  Tyburn  Knot,  as  a  Sunday 
Moral  tor  all  Chuuney  Pieces. 

This,  Mr.  Pvneh^  would  be  a  beautifid  tiling — au  affecting  tiling  *  and 
npnn  Indy  paj>cr  would  go  off  in  any  nurnwr  at  Ihe  coming  I'ancy 
Sockcioth.  to  be  held  for  the  foundation  of  Asiileyoi-ous,  {f  believe 
I'm  right  in  the  spelUng,)  a  selllement  upon  which  I  sludl  make  hold 
to  trouble  you  with  another  line,  the  week  that's  coming;  and  am 
therefore 

Yours,  to  continue. 

The  Hona$nickIe9.  Amblia  Mocser. 


la  Medio  Tutissiznus. 


DtJRmG  the  late  trial  sittings  in  the  New  House  of  Commoas,  it  wns 
remarked  that  Sib  Kobebt  Peel  shifted  his  i-eiit  repeatedly,  sitting 
alternately  on  both  sides  of  the  Hou5e. 

What  a  pity  it  is  that  no  special  accommodation  has  Ixjcn  provided 
for  Sia  Robert,  who,  with  his  accustouied  relish  for  "three  rourscs," 
finds  only  "two  courses"  provided  for  in  tlio  licm^hea  of  the  New 
House. 

There  ought  to  be  a  Peel  Bench,  wliich  would  enable  the  occupaut 
to  sit  on  botih  sides  of  the  House  at  once. 


TUBW,   gentle   BBOUGHASr. 

Lord  Bbottgham  baa  Apoearod  in  at  least  five  hundred  different 
eliaractcr^  but  who  woula  nave  tliought  of  his  turning  ottt  a  dis- 
tiugnishea  foreigner  after  all,  as  he  did,  the  oLher  day,  in  the  Home  of 
Lords  ? 


\ 


MUSIC    HAS    CHARMS."    (P) 


My  DEAR  Me.  rtxcu. 

"Ik  my  vrry  joAiuUiess  of  heart,  1  cauuot  resist  writing  to 
rou  a  ffw  lilies.  "You  wit  sjiunatliLsc  \rirh  mc,  1  know.  Yes!  He 
_i5  left  lit  last.  He  has  retunieu  to  tbe  country.  H«  has  gfmc  home 
to  hi.s  fntriiA-i,  and  I  am  frw.  Oh,  my  dear  Sir !  how  can  1  dracribe 
the  delitrlilfiil  feeling  of  relief,  the— the  sensation  of  almost  (if  I  nmy 
use  stieh  a  temi^  rolliekin?  quiet  that  I  experience,  after  the 
tortures  1  have  endured  for  this  mouth  past?  You  may  think  me  nud 
for  wrilinff  in  this  nfcrjiin  to  a  perfect  stranger,  (indeed  I  am  perfectlv 
ftC'iuninfcd  with  your  admirable  works) :  but  no:  whatever  my  mental 
■  I  niuy  have  been,  I  believe  my  mind  to  be  in  a  tolerably 

0  now.  1  fool  at  peace  with  all  mankind — 1  can  open  my 
Will  I  p»—  1  can  sit  tit  it.  I  can  go  through  my  accounts;  tran^ct  my 
bu&iiitss;  (iiid— whiit  bliss!— in  quiet.  AVhy,  Sih,  He  wouli)  be  at 
IT  roR  Hours  togetiibr.  Regardless  of  the  feelinp  of  liia  neigh- 
bours he  would  go  from  tunc  to  tunc,  (he  never  k^d  ihe  perecvcnincc 


to  learn  one   throughout) ; 
KJisp    gnint,   squeak,    puff 


he    would   make    the    poor    instrument 

J, ,   _., ,    , and  what    not;   and    sometimes  —  pvi- 

Uently  made  inijaitient  by  his  own  ridiculous  incaimcity—iluish  off  an 
attempted  »!ntimcntal  air  with  sncb  a  flourish  of  his  own  eomposiiiir, 
that  1  i>ositively  shudder  when  I  think  of  it.  Well,  Sir  all  this  I  have 
endured ;  and,  I  flatter  myself,  like  a  martyr :  and  now  I  am  rewarded. 
He  is  gone;  and  with  him,  his  very  unpleasant  Comct-ili'piston. 
Excuse  me,  my  very  dcur  Sir,  for  the  liberty  I  have  taken  in  addressing 
you ;  and  believe  mo  ever, 

"  Your  constoat,  and  now  happy  Subscriber, 
" Tq PhhcA,  S*it,t  4'*^-, S'^t ^f-  " Fredbbick  Islington." 


PROTEST. 

"  We— Robert  Kkeley  and  Edward  Wright — find  in  the  Timet 
the  subjoined  paragraph  in  reference  to  thg  motion  of  Lord  BiiOUGiiAM 
to  turn  M.  Bonsen,  the  Prussian  Minister,  out  of  the  Peeresses' 
Gallery  of  the  House  of  Ijorda. 

'^'Onrbrlof  report  of  Loao  BloroiiAH'e  speech  rttn  gire  but  s  fitnt  idc*  of  tbu 
■eatML  ItoMftna  wwoar  at  tbe  Adulphtor  KKii.Rrnuerlnx  k  Uitu* of  oo&Tue  drnUerioi, 
ftiiil  ipvlni;  offbot  to  vrarr  point  \jj  cooLortldiu  of  fmee  and  flg'ira ;  Mid  <UU  tfae  tniftff« 
win  fAll  klmrt  ofUw  reality.  The  ftaunt  flfrurA  of  tbo  n(rf)le  and  learned  lord,  u  witb 
hi*  iiroDc  Uorder  "burr"  be  deUrenHl  \M  p<Hnta,  miut  be  brought  before  Ui« 
ttnaglnaUtm.* 

"  Whereas  the  above-drawn  parallel,  in  which  it  is  attempted  to  pUco 
iia  in  the  same  point  of  view,  as  professional  comedians,  with  Hekey 
Loud  Bkouokah,  amateur  low  comedy  man  to  the  House  of  Ijords,  is 
higiily  dttritnentAl  to  our  professional  character  as  actors,  and  sin^nilarly 
unpleasant  to  our  feelings  as  men,  we  protest  against  the  repetition  of 
any  such  parallel  as  untrue  to  the  purpose  inlenued,  and  cruelly  uiijust 
to  ourselves.    And  for  these,  among  other  especial  reasons: — 

"We  materially  differ  from  Ivonn  RaononAM,  inasmuch  as  we  consci- 
entiously keep  to  our  own  line  of  business,  never  iulericring  witli  the 
clmnicters  of  otlicni. 

"  We  only  s.'iy  what  is  set  down  for  us ;  and  therefore  arc  not,  like 
Lord  RKuuoiiAii,  answerable  for  all  the  nonsense  that  may  come  out 
of  our  mouths. 

"We  do  not  w^'^te  the  time  nf  the  public;  but,  on  the  contrary, 
mipiovo  it,  to  the  public  profit  and  anuisement. 

"Moreover,  we  eudcavour  to  hold  the  mirror  up  to  Natun^ ;  und  are 
not  best  satiaftcd,  wlien  we  are  cutting  the  most  extravftgant  capers,  and 
making  the  ugUest  faces  at  her. 

"Finoltv,  if  we  do  cluincc  occasionally  to  make  uinics  of  onrsclrea, 
wr  pby  tnt!  fool  at  a  moderate  cost,  receiviug  very  much  less  than 
JtSOuO  per  annum  pension  for  the  extravagance. 


"(Signed) 


/Robert  Keelet,  Theatre  Royal,  Haymarket. 
IEdwabd  Wrioht,  Royal  Adclphi." 


THE  NEW  ROYAL  GANfE  OF  GOOSE. 

Turs  amusement  derives  its  title  partly  from  the  circumstance  that 
the  scene  of  it  is  one  of  the  Koyal  Parks^  partly  from  its  fun  eonbisttng 
in  making  fools  or  geese  of  the  Britisli  Pubhc.  Tlie  present  long 
evenings  iJTord  great  Taeilities  for  the  divertion  imdcr  notice ;  which  is 
got  up  oy  the  gate  keepers  of  the  Green-Park,  for  the  delight  of  the 
rabble,  The  game  is  played  iu  the  manner  following : — As  inanv  pas- 
sengers as  may  present  themselves  are  let  into  the  Grccn-Pork  at  Hydc- 
PftrK  (!k)mcr  up  to  10  o'clock.  At  10  precisely  the  pates  are  closed, 
and  the  gate-keepers  take  their  departure.  The  Park  remains  shut 
imtil  13,  when  a  gate  is  opened  to  relieve  guard,  and  the  imprisoned 
Public  may  take  the  opportunity  of  ohtaining  relief  at  the  same  time. 

In  the  meanwhile  they  arc  confined  like  birds  in  a  rage,  and  some 
antiqimriau  in  after  times  wiy  perhaps  discover  that  Birdcage  Walk  was 
so  called  from  its  affording  a  {promenade  to  the  ra^muffins  coUcetcd  of 
an  evening  to  cniuy  the  vexation  and  annoyance  of  the  unlucky  iwrsons 
caged  in  tne  Park  adjoining,  and  ^slicuhiting  and  vociferating  on  the 
other  side  of  the  raihngs,  or  making  ludicrou.s  efforts  to  chunber  over 
them  amid  the  derision  and  cxecratmns  of  the  beholders. 

Mb.Cahi'K-I.v,  the  Librarijm  to  the  Reform  Club,  who  called  attention 
The  other  day  to  this  waggery  of  the  Woods  and  Forests  in  the  Ttev. 
well  remarks  timt  "  WTitten  notices  seven  or  cidit  feet  hisii  are  not 
very  legible  at  d^isk."  We  may  add,  that  if  the  notices  stating  the 
hours  of  closing  the  Parks  were  ever  so  conspicuous,  it  is  not  evcrylK>dy 
that  runs  who  could  read  them  in  the  present  state  of  popular  education. 
The  New  Royal  Game  of  Goose  may  be  very  droU;  hut  surely  Urn 
Woods  and  Forests,  and  the  Gatekeepers,  and  the  Ran^r,  might 
devise  some  practical  joke  more  harnde^?  than  tluit  of  cooping  people 
up  in  the  night  nir  from  10  to  13,  in  this  country  of  bronchitis  and 
coos  ujnpt  ion. 

TUB  CtTT  ARTICLE. 

A  WZLL-KNOWK  jVldcrmau  was  taken  to  see  the  Hippopotamiu. 
He  looked  at  it  intently  for  a  quarter  of  an  hour,  and  then  liurst  out  of" 
his  reverie  with  the  following  remark :— "  1  wonder  what  sort  of  soup 
it  would  make !  " 


■!■ 


Puritan.  "  VERILY,  BROTHER  ASHLEY-BETWEEN  YOU  AND  ME, 
AND  THE  POST-WE  HAVE  MADE  A  NICE  MESS  OF  IT." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARTA\\RI. 


THE    PROSE  R. 

B88ATB  AKD  D1BC0UR8EB  DY  DR   SOLOMON  FACIFICO. 


VI.— ON  AN  AMERICAN  TRAVELLER. 

As  you  sit  in  the  great  drawing-room  at  the  Mcgnthcriuui  or  any 
other  club,  1  ihre  siy  you  will  remark  tliat  as  each  man  Dosses  the  great 
mirror  in  the  niid<Uc  room,  bo  ho  ever  so  handsome  or  nomely,  so  well 
or  ill-dressed,  ao  harried  or  husy,  he  nevertheless  has  time  for  a  rood 
aiincy  of  liimaclf  in  the  b^?i  *nd  a  deliberate  examination  of  hia 
clothes  and  person.  He  is  anxious  to  know  what  the  eliss  thinks  of  liim. 
We  arc  anxious  to  know  what  all  reflective  persons  think  of  us.  Hence 
our  constant  oleasurc  in  reading  books  of  travel  by  foreigners :  by  HsJ/i 
Babas  and  Verfiisn  l^rinccs;  by  Lbdrit  Rolliks  or  German  phi- 
losophers; by  Americans  who  oome  to  JiWlaud;  and  the  like.  If  the 
black  gentleman  in  St.  Paul's  Churchj'ara,  who  was  called  away  from 
his  broom  the  other  day,  and  lifted  up  into  the  Nepaulcse  General's 
carriage  in  the  Quality  of  interpreter,  writes  his  account  of  London  Ufc. 
its  crossings  and  sweepings,  I  have  no  doubt  we  shall  all  read  it ;  ana 
as  for  the  Americans,  I  think  a  smart  publisher  might  bring  over  a 
traycUcr  from  the  States  every  season,  at  least,  so  constant  ia  our 
curiosity  regarding  ourselves,  so  pleased  arc  we  to  near  ourselves  spoken 
of,  of  such  an  luuailing  interest  arc  We  to  Us. 

Tliufl,  after  reading  Ledru  Roixin's  book  the  other  day,  and  taking 
tho  dismal  view  supplied  of  onrselves  by  that  cracked,  and  warjied,  and 
dingy  old  Estamiuet  lookiuK-glass,  I,  for  oue,  was  glad  to  survey  my 
perion  in  such  a  bright  andf  clegsmt  New  York  mirror  as  that  of  Me. 
Fabkxr  Willis  ;  and  seized  eagcriv,  at  a  Railway  Station,  ujwn  a  new- 
volume  bvthat  gectiemAD,  bearing  the  fascinating  title  of  "  PtopUI  hare 
M'^t.'*  Parkih  Wilus  is  no  other  than  that  famous  and  clever 
N.  P-WiLus  of  former  days,  whose  rcminisocncca  have  delighted  so  many 
of  us,  and  in  whose  company  one  is  always  sore  to  find  amusement  of  some 
sort  or  the  other.  Sometimes  it  is  amusement  at  the  writer's  wit  and 
smartness,  his  brilliant  descriptions,  and  wondrous  flow  and  rattle  of 
spirits ;  sometimes  it  is  wicked  amusement^  and,  it  must  he  confessed,  at 
Willis's  own  expense— amusement  st  the  immeu.sity  of  N.  P.'s  bluudcrs, 
amusement  at  the  prodiffiousness of  his  scll'-oatecui ;  anmscmcnt  always, 
wit  h  him  or  at  him ;  with  or  at  Willis  the  poet,  Willis  the  man,  Willis 
the  dandv,  Wuxis  the  lover— now  the  Broadway  Cricdton,  onoo  tho 
ruler  of  fashion,  and  heart -enslaver  of  Bond  Street,  and  the  Boulevard, 
and  the  Cono,  and  the  Chioja,  and  the  Constantinople  Bazaar.  It  is 
well  for  the  general  peace  of  families  that  the  world  does  not  produce 
manv  such  men ;  there  would  be  no  kecpitg  our  wives  and  dsAigfaters 
in  their  senses  were  snch  fascinators  to  make  frequent  apparitions 
amongst  us  :  but  it  is  comfortable  that  there  should  have  been  a 
Willis  ;  ana  (since  the  appearance  of  the  Proscr)  a  btcmry  man  myself. 
■nd  anxious  for  the  honour  of  that  profession,  I  am  proud  to  think  that 
»  man  of  our  caUing  should  have  come,  should  liave  seen,  should  have 
ooDQucred.  as  Willis  has  done. 

•'  There  is  more  or  less  of  truth,"  he  nobly  says,  "  in  every  one  of  the 
stories  "  which  he  narrates  here  in  "  People  fkac^Met " — more  or  less,  to 
be  stire  lher«  is— and  it  is  on  account  of  this  more  or  less  of  truth,  iliat 
I  for  my  part  love  and  applaud  this  hero  and  poet  so .  aud  recommend 
every  man  who  reads  Paneh  to  kv  out  a  shilling  aud  read  Willis.  We 
live  in  our  country  aud  don't  laiow  it :  Willis  walks  into  it  aud 
dominales  it  at  once.  To  know  a  Duchess,  for  instance,  is  given  to 
Tery  few  of  us.  lie  sees  things  that  are  not  given  to  us  to  sec.  We 
see  the  Duchess  pass  by  in  her  carrii^  and  gaze  with  much  reverence 
on  the  strawberry  leaves  on  the  panels  and  wx  Grace  within :  whereas 
the  odds  ore  that  that  lovelv  Ducheas  has  hod  at  one  time  or  the  other 
a  desnrratc  flirtation  with  Willis  the  Conqueror :  perhaps  ahe  is  think- 
ing of  him  at  this  vcr}  minute  as  her  jewelled  hand  presses  her  perfumed 
cambric  handkerchief  to  her  fair  and  coroncttcd  brow,  and  she  languidly 
stops  to  purchase  aruby  bracelet  at  GO'TBR's,  or  to  sip  an  ice  at  li dwell 
and  Jamks's.  He  must  hare  whole  mattresses  stuffed  with  the  blonde, 
or  raven,  or  auburn  memories  of  England's  fmrest  daughters.  When 
the  feiiialc  Enjiiiah  Aristocracy  reads  this  titic  of  "  People  I  have  Me/," 
I  can  fancy  the  whole  female  peerage  of  Willis's  time  in  a  shudder: 
and  the  melancholy  Marchioness,  and  the  abondoncd  Countess,  and  the 
heart -stricken  Baroness,  trembling  as  each  gets  tlie  volume,  and  asking 
of  her  guilty  conscicuce,  "  Gracious  goodness,  is  tho  monster  going  to 
show  up  Me  Z" 

"  The  ijrcater  number  of  his  stories,"  Wiixis  says,  *'  embody  such 
passages  m  the  personal  liistorv  of  the  eminent  men  and  women  of 
£urope  as  the  author  came  to  the  knowledge  of,  by  conversance  with 
the  rxrcles  iti  which  thev  moved"— and  this  is  the  point,  rather  than 
their  own  liveliness,  elegance  of  style,  and  intrinsic  merit,  which 
iimkca  ihcm  so  valnablo  to  English  readers.  Wo  can't  hope  for  the 
faciUties  accorded  to  him.  As  at  Paris,  by  mei-elv  exhibiting  his  pas.s- 
p«>rl,  a  foreigner  will  walk  straight  into  an  exhibition,  which  is  onlv 
visible  to  a  native  on  certain  dfys  in  the  year;  so  with  English 
oristocralic  society,  to  be  admitted  mto  that  Elysium  yon  had  best  be 
a  stmngcr.  Imlcca.  how  should  it  be  otherwise  ?  A  lady  of  fashion, 
however  beoevoluntly  disposed,  can't  oak  every  body  to  her  house  in 


Grosveuor  Sqtmre  or  Carlton  Gardens.  So)'  there  are  five  bondred 
thousand  people  in  London  (a  modetat«  oulculation)  who  Wo  heard 
of  Lady  P.*b  Saturday  evening  pMrties  and  would  like  to  attend  them  : 
where  could  her  Ladyship  put  toe  thousandth  part  of  them  i*  Wc  on 
the  outside  must  be  content  to  hear  at  scoonahoml  of  the  pleasures 
which  the  initiated  enjoy. 

With  strangers  it  is  different,  and  they  claim  and  get  adniittaiHX'  iis 
strani^rs.  Here,  for  instance,  is  on  occount  of  one  Brown,  an 
Americau,  (though,  under  that  modest  mask  of  Brown,  I  can't  help 
Cancyins^  lliat  I  see  the  features  of  an  N.  P.  W.  himself):  Hkown 
arrived  m  London  with  a  budget  of  introductinna  like  tho  jKistniau's 
bag  on  Valentine's  Day;  he  began  with  a  most  noble  Dulto"  llhn 
sly  roguc)^  and,  of  course,  was  quickly  *'  on  the  dinner-list  of  most  of 
the  patricians  of  May  Fair." 

"' Ai  I  wu  cBUingniTulf  toHBOont,  Uwother  da;,  oramy  I  '  «. 

nUIng  hiM  rIaii,  and  iniiihlng  tbe  twMlc,  *lt  'Mxrurrea  to  mii  il.  ■••' 

iD«nt4  rrqulrod  som«  Ilttl«  rarladon.    Tlien'i*  "  loupmrt  f  ■  .!• 

»Dd  l»dl«ii,  pftRlniUrly  wlJCDyoD  bflong  u  nucli  '  i  m- o.^  iik.iy  t>» 

become  a  part  of  it,  as  Uia  tif  niToWIng  In  aiiai  '•:«)  uf  Oty  \»i4'» 

carriage.     I  Ihuiiglit,  perbapn,  I  had  bettei  nca  »ui .  .  i<^ 

"'  I  luu),  under  a  prMM-fMsWr  on  the  tab!  r,  ftK.m  i.  iMirdnii  -..-w-.-rt,  ot  tDtrodoction— 
the  condflfflned  Tcmalntler,  artar  the  adoctioii,  by  itdvtcc-,  or  Tour  or  five  mity.  I  deUr> 
mlaed  to  cnt  UiU  iMap  llko  a  pack  of  carda.  ami  fuUuw  up  tlM  tmnip. 

" '  Jobs  Uncnov.  Km  ,  Boum  ef  Uimfboi'  ond  Fnirn,  Mark  LamM,  LmJam.' 

"  Tba  goda  had  denied  bw  to  tbe  Mqaalntaooa  ef  Hm.  (and  probably  Ut»-)  Jous 
Mntnoa" 

After  B  "dialogue  of  accost,"  Bbown  produced  Ids  uitrotluetory 
letter  to  MlMf SON,  whom  he  finely  describes  as  Imvin?  "thr^t  hu.hh. 
wcahed  look  peculiar  to  London  city  men;"    aud   M.  •  I 

Bboiww  to  lunch  and  sleep  at  his  vUla  at  Hami>stead  il.  <^), 

whillier  tbe  American  accordingly  went  in  a  "poshay"  witii  '  a  pjiir 
of  Newman's  posters."  Browt?  might,  as  he  owns,  have  perfonnrd 
this  journey  in  an  omnibus  for  siipeuce,  whereas  the  chaise  would 
cost  four  dollars  at  least,  but  the  stranger  preferred  the  more  costly 
and  obsolete  contrivance. 

"  Mm.  MtMr»o:r  vai  In  Uie  Bmrdeo.  The  dublog  fDolmaB  vbogava  mr  tbe  InfAitita 
ti<-.ii  led  mo  tbPMigb  a  fuperb  drawlnjt-nocii,  and  out  at  a  glan  door  upon  Uw  lawn,  and 
l«ft  me  lu  make  my  owa  way  U>  the  lady**  pmaeDOS. 

"It  vacadeUcioua  vpot,  and  I  ahcnUd  bare  bMBver]rg1ftd  to  nnUe  about  b/ nyNtf 
nil  dlttner;  bat,  ata  toni  lu  tbo  grand  mlk,  1  otnuHddtaly  upon  nro  UdlM. 

"I  mado  m7bow,  and  bcggMl  Icnrs  to  intnidfioa  myidf  as  '  Hk.  IIbowdi' 

"  With  a  Tory  aligbt  iDcfinatlDn  of  the  bead,  and  noimUo  wbatttver,  on*  of  llie  ladlai 
aikcd  me  Lf  I  had  walked  rrom  tova.  aad  begged  ber  tompauioit  •Vliboiit  Intrududntf 
me  to  berj  to  abuw  mo  !□  to  loocb.  Tbe  epokealer  waa  a  atoat  and  tall  woman,  vbo  had 
rather  ao  artitoeraUe  doh,  and  wai  not  hatidaonie ;  hut,  to  ittr«  ber  tier  due,  abe  tied  nad* 
a  narnnr  ncape  of  It  Sbe  was  draiwd  rery  abowily.  and  cvidcotly  had  gmtt  preten- 
■iou  ;  but,  that  i1i«  wma  not  at  all  ftlad  to  ae«  Mk.  Biows,  vu  aa  apparent  a«  wa<  et 
aU  neoasaaiy.  Aa  the  other  and  younger  lady  who  waa  to  actaimpany  me,  hownrcr,  wm 
very  pretty,  though  dreaaad  very  plainly,  and  had,  wUhal,  a  loofc  in  her  tyv  «blcJt 
aaaared  ne  abe  wM  amoMd  with  my  iiawaleonio  apnarltkci,  I  determined,  a«  I  Bl>')tild 
not  otherwiM  have  done,  to  itay  ltoat,aiidaooeptMbercDDroy  wiibvtitiniisftWn  civility 
— Tory  mu  b  Inclined,  bowerar,  to  be  Impodeot  to  aomebody,  aomehow. 

"  Toe  Innefa  waa  oa  a  tray  tn  a  sUe  room,  and  I  rang  tbe  bell  and  oidsrcd  a  boitV  of 
cbampagnei  Tbe  aervant  looked  >iirpi1aed,bat  brought  It,  and  meantliiM  I  waa  ootUng 
tbrongh  Ibe  woatber,  and  the  other  aimraoD-plaaea,  and  the  lady,  eaying  liLlle,  waa 
watching  me  very  cahnly.  I  liked  her  looka,  howerer,  and  vaa  nne  »be  was  not  a 
Mnmojr. 

"'Hand  thU  to  Uus  AanvnuKo/  eald  1  to  tbe  Ibotman,  ponrlng  eul  a  glaaa  of 
champagne. 

"  '  Miu  Bbllamt,  yoB  meen,  8tr.' 

"  X  rase  and  bowed,  awl,  with  aa  gram  a  conrteay  aa  I  could  command,  oxpreeard  my 

Skaanra  at  my  tret  lotroductlnn  to  Mm  Bkuovt— thnmgb  TaanAii  tbe  Awtnan ! 
(lU  BBLtAXT  bunt  tnto  a  laogb,  sad  wu  pleeeed  to  eoopUmeat  my  Amarioan 
uanaera,  and  In  ten  tuloutxe  we  wen  a  rcry  aMny  pair  of  fjianda,  and  aha  aceepted  my 
ara  for  a  atroll  thnugb  the  groands,  careftiliy  eroldiag  tbe  bigld  nelghbotu-hood  ot 
■f  u.  MmrMMf ." 

There 's  a  nucal  for  you !  He  enters  a  house,  is  received  eoolly  hy 
the  mistress  (and  if  Mrs.  Mmrsoir  had  to  receive  exrry  BnowN  in 
London — ye  Oods !  what  was  she  to  do?)  walks  into  chicken  fixinirs  in 
a  side  room,  and,  not  eontcut  with  Mimpsok's  sherry,  calls  for  a  bottle 
of  chamwwne— not  for  a  pluas  of  champopic.  but  for  a  bottle ;  hu 
catehes  hold  of  it  aud  pours  out  for  himself,  the  roffue,  and  fnr  MiM 
Bellamy,  to  whom  Thojias  introduces  htm.  And  tms  upon  on  in- 
troduction of  live  years'  date,  from  one  mercantile  man  to  another; 
upon  an  introduction,  oue  of  a  thousand  whieli  luckv  Bbow>  iwssesses, 
and  on  the  strength  of  which  Bbown  sneers  at  AlinpsoN,  Boeers  at 
Mbs.  M.,  sneers  ot  M.'s  sherry,  makes  a  footman  introduce  him  to  a  htdy, 
and  assumes  a  bottle  of  cliampagne !  Come,  Bbovk  !  you  ore  a  stmngcr, 
and  on  the  dinner-list  of  most  of  the  putricians  of  May  Fair ;  but  iiirt 
this  M  pen  fort,  mv  boy  *r  If  Mrs.  JIiui'sok,  who  is  described  as  n 
haughty  lady,  fonrtfi  cousin  of  a  Scotch  Earl,  and  inarrjiupr  M.  for  hw 
money  merely,  had  stispieions  re;»ardini:  the  conduct  of  her  Iju^hund's 
frienas,  don't  you  sec  that  this  sort  of  Whaviour  i-n  jour  part,  niv  dear 
Bnowy.  wofl  not  likely  to  do  away  with  Miia.  M.'s  little  pf<!iiinirt*sV 
1  should  not  hke  a  stranger  to  enter  my  house,  po<jh-}>ooh  my  Mar>ahi, 
order  mv  servant  rtlM)ut,  and  desire  an  introtliiction  to  my  dnuphtcr 
lhn)U(:h  him  :  and  defercntiftUy  think,  Bnow>-,  tljnt  >oii  had  no  rijrht  in 
be  impudent  somehow  to  somebody,  as  in  this  instance  you  certainly 
were. 

The  upshot  of  tho  story  is.  that  Mm.  M.  was  dying  to  lake  her 
daughter  to  Almaek'»,forwhicn  pUee  of  entertainment  Bnowx,  thnoiipli 
one  of  the  petroncsscSi  Lauy  X..  "  tbe  best  friend  he  has,"  cotild  get  as 


4 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


many  tuiketa  as  he  wished ;  and  that,  to  pmiish  Mbb.  Mimpsoh  for  btT  rudeness, 
and  rewHrd  Miss  Beuamt  for  ber  mdness,  Brovn  got  tickets  for  Miss 
Bellaut  and  Aer  Klanmuv  but  would  get  never  a  ticket  for  Miss  Mimp&02<  And 
her»— a  wonderful  story,  truly,  and  with  a  wonderfol  moral. 


THE  HOUSE  OF  LORDS'  ORDERLY, 

Ii  has  long  been  kuowu  that  n 
certain  noble  and  learned 
lord  is  able  to  turn  his 
band  to  ouj-  thing;  but 
few.  perhaps,  were  aware 
that  the  gnsp  of  that 
marvellous  organ  is  so 
comprehensive  as  to  in- 
clude the  truncheon  of 
the  policeman  or  the 
beadle's  staff.  By  order- 
ing CUEVAiJKR  BVNSEN, 
however,  out  of  tbe 
Fceresscs*  Gallery  in  the 
House  of  Lords  the  other 
night,  his  Lordship  has 
conic  out  in  &  fresh  cha- 
racter, wliich  no  doubt 
will  commend  him  to 
some  higlJy  select  vestry 
in  wont  of  an  illuminatca 
parochial  officer,  or  to  M  R. 

COMMJ8SI0>'ER      MaYNE, 

if  the  situation  of  A.  1 
should  unfortunately  be- 
come  a  vacancy  in  his 
corps.  Some  sav  that 
the  noble  and  learned 
lord  in  question  has  ap- 
prored  himself  the  javelin-man  of  the  Supreme  Court  of  Justice.  All  aCTce 
that  be  has  signalised  himself  in  such  a  way  as  to  deserve  promotion  for  it; l)ut 
opinions  differ  as  to  whether  he  should  be  created  Lord  High  Co^SIAble,  or 
elevAted  to  an  Earldom  under  the  title  of  Bumble  and  VArx. 


L 


A   NATIONAL  RELIEF. 


It  seems  very  probable  tltai  England  will  be  effectually  relieved  in  a  short  time 
from  the  heavv  ourden  she  has  Been  labourin^r  under  For  some  years,  of  reading 
the  Parliflmculary  debates.  Tltc  House  of  Lords  is  reduced  to  sucli  a  state  oT 
deafness,  that  it  is  quite  impos<^ible  to  hear  a  single  woni,  and  the  new  House  of 
Commons  is,  it  seems,  equally  hard  of  hearing.  Under  these  Imppy  circumstances 
— as  the  complaints,  iustead  of  improving,  omy  grow  worse — we  may  hope  to  see 
the  joyful  day  when  there  will  be  no  more  Debates  in  the  land,  from  the  simple  fnct 
of  its  being  no  longer  possible  to  report  them.  But  iu  our  joyfuluess  we  should 
not  forget  the  claims  of  a  very  intelligent  class  of  the  community,  who  will  be 
suddenly  thrown  out  of  employment  by  this  improved  prosi>ect  of  things.  Their 
trials  have  been  as  severe  ns  th(nr  patience  in  emhiriufj:  thoni  has  been  subUiiie. 
We  know  of  no  body  of  men  who,  in  their  painful  course  of  business,  suffer  more 
and  complain  less.  We  allude  to  the  reporters,  the  Inborioua  gentlemen  whose 
baitl  vocal  iou  it  is  to  weave  into  long  ropies  of  sentences  the  flimsy  yarns  which 
Honourable  Jjords  and  Members  spin  every  uifjht.  But  if  those  gentlemen 
cannot  hear  a  word  of  these  intcrmmable  yams,  it  is  very  clear  that  there  must 
rapidly  be  an  end  to  their  weaving :  for  newspaper  proprietors^  with  all  their 
libfTalitv,  will  soon  tire  of  i>a>ing  a  large  corps  of  contributors  m  proportion  to 
tlieir  talents,  when  those  talents  arc  oiily  exercised  in  the  diffiadt  art  of  doing 
noMiing. 

Thev  might  as  well  be  sent  to  report  a  Quakers'  meeting  as  sit  for  hours  in 
the  gallery  of  either  Hnnse,  in  the  hopes  of  hearing  a  word  of  the  causes  that  are 
facetiuubly  "set  down  for  hearing."  In  the  joyfulness  of  our  own  escape  we  must 
not  forget  the  price  which  others  will  have  to  pay  for  it,  and  we  only  trust  that. 
iu  the  event  of  tbe  Debates  being  shortly  occupied,  liceordiug  to  our  best 
hopes  by  a  congenial  bhmk,  every  reporter  will  receive  such  compensation  from 
Government,  as  will  not  only  make  his  old  age  comfortable,  but  allow  him  to  look 
back  with  some  degree  of  complacency  npon  the  sufferings  of  hiapaat  youth.  If  a 
mere  aobcitor  of  the  Utely -deceased  Palace  Court  receives  £2000  for  the  loss  of  his 
situation,  we  think  a  reporter  will  not  be  over-paid  upon  being  presented  with  five 
times  that  amount  Mnrtyrs  must  be  paid  for,  and  we  do  not  consider  £10,000  by 
any  means  too  mueh  for  a  person  who  has  been  condemned  for  years  to  listen  to 
the  speeches  of  Parliament  evcrj'  night  during  the  lingering  session.  We  are  sure  the 
country  will  not  object  to  pay  tlus  largo  sum,  if  it  is  only  relieved  from  the  Debates. 


DiuiUTic  Movement.— From  Drory  Lane  to  Uer  Majesty's  Theatre,  the  Statue 
of  SuAKSPEABE  in  a  new  coat  of  Plaster  of  Paris. 


CONVERSATIONS  OF  THE  SUNDAY-BOUND 

LETTEKS. 

We  have  received  a  communication,  signed  St.  Majitw- 
le-Gbabd,  of  80  wonderful  a  nature  that,  if  it  had  come 
from  anybody  but  a  saiut,  aud  from  any  saint  but  St. 
MJiATur-LE-uaAJVD,  we  should  never  have  oclieved  it.  St. 
Maktih  avers  that  the  letters  detained  in  a  provinciri 
liCttcr  Bo\,  have  been,  in  the  interval  between  Saturday 
and  Monday,  owiu?  to  the  stoppage  of  postal  rommuuica- 
tion  in  tbe  meanwhile  throuch  puritujueal  legislation,  so 
impatient  of  the  deli\.v,  that  they  could  not  contain  them- 
selves, and  have  been  actxmlly  heard  to  compare  notes.  He 
gives  the  foUox^'ing  as  a  few  out  of  many  of  their  c<m- 
veraations ; — 

To  letter  A — which  excites  attention  by  heaving  a  deep 
sigh,  as  if  from  the  heart  of  the  writer — says  letter  B. 
"Wunt  arc  vou  about?  You  seem  very  sentimental:  and 
you  are  sealed  with  a  heart  skewered  on  an  arrow."  "  All ! " 
replies  A,  "  I  am  addressed  by  a  poor  mad  voung  fellow, 
head-over-ears  in  love,  to  the  object  of  his  affections,  who 
has  unaccountably  neglected  to  answer  his  last  six  bdlets. 
He  writes  to  say  tbax  he  will  destroy  himself  unless  he 
hears  from  her  by  return  of  Post.  What  is  your  news'" 
"  Mine ?"  answers  B,  "why,  rather  urgent,  I  should  say ; 
briefly  tMs : — '  Your  father  lias  had  a  fresh  attack — put 
yourself  into  a  poslx?haisc  and  come  up  instantly,  if  you 
want  to  see  him  alive.*"  "Anything  part  icidar?"  asks 
letter  C  of  letter  D.  "  No  "  answers  D.  "  1  'm  oiJy  from 
a  wife  who  writes  to  tell  ncr  liusbnud  that  an  execution 
has  Iwen  put  into  their  house  in  his  absence,  and  that  he 
must  retuni  hon\e  directly,  imd  not  wait  till  the  next  day, 
or  tht^ir  goods  will  be  all  sohl  off  at  a  loss,  and  she  and  Iter 
children  turned  into  the  street."  "My  tidings,"  remarks 
C,  "  are  of  some  little  importance."  "  So  1  should  judge," 
observes  E,  "from  your  bhick  scaL"  "They  arc  these," 
says  C : — '  Dear  Tom.  Your  poor  uncle  has  died  suddcnlv 
He  named  vou  as  his  heir.  Come  up  instantly,  or  tlmt  old 
woman  will  make  away  with  cverylliing  in  the  house.'" 
"  And  I,"  says  K,  "am  to  a  surgeon  of  Bartholomew's,  now 
in  tbe  country^  begging  him  to  oome  up  instantly,  as  the 
danger  is  immment^  and  a  patient's  only  chance  is  an 
operation." 

Saint  Martin-le-Grand  says,  that  such  news  as  tliat 
above  instanced  won't  keep,  and  ought  not  to  be  kept 
even  on  Sunday :  and  wc  would  lake  the  word  of  St 
Mahti>"  against  that  of  St.  Ashlet,  or  St.  Plujutbe. 


THK  PVaiTAS    PUtiy    POSTAOl  STAMp. 


Oar  Own  Report  of  the  Brawing-Eoom. 

At  the  Drawing-Room  held  by  the  Qtieen  on  Ttmrsday, 
last  week,  the  following  persons  of  distinction  liad  the 
honour  of  oeing  presented  Co  Her  Majesty  : — 

VrscouMT  Palmehstok,  on  having  had  Iiia  policy  cen 
aured  by  the  House  of  Lords,  by  Lord  Aberdeen. 

Lord  Brougham  and  Vaux,  on  bavins:  turned  Che- 
valier BuNsEN  out  of  the  Peeresses'  Gulci7,  by  Loju) 
John  Maknera. 

Mr.  ttiHchj  on  having  commenctd  his  Nineteenth 
Volume,  by  Mr.  Plumptre. 


SkKiud  OmtUna*.  "TaEf  'ri  orr  I — nmt  *ai  off  I  ** 

^Mid  Lady,  **  Aju  thet,  Dsab.    Won't  too  have  somj  Fib  !  " 


A  QUESTION  PUT  TO  LORD  FREDERICK 
FirZCLARENCE. 

My  Lo&j), 

You  have  lately  done  a  very  nandsomfl 
thing,  aa  the  Gorpruor  of  Portsmoutb ;  in  fact, 
two  nandHomo  tiling;  for  you  hare  at  oncu 
patronised  art  aud  done  homage  to  naval  aud 
military  glor)*.  Oa  tlic  Sth,  aniidst  explosive 
ttunpowder  aud  braying  of  truinwU,  you  ex- 
nibited  to  the  delighted  folks  of  Portfloiouth 
two  statues — done,  il  is  said,  out  of  your  ovm 
Driratc  pocket— one  of 'Wellikoton  md  one  of 
Nelson. 

A  pliilosoplicr — of  course  an  ill-natured  fcUoxv 
who  lived  in  a  vincgar-Cftsk — ^hoa  said,  "  to  pay 
honours  to  Ihc  dead,  is  the  surest  way  of  making 
bubbles  of  the  liviujpr."  I  acquit  your  Lordship 
of  any  such  sneaking  motive :  no,  vour  trim 
statues  are  a  pure  offering  of  an  heroic  heart,  paid 
down  to  lieroism. 

It,  is  right  tiiai  Nklson  should  Ik*  so  honoured ; 
but  having  so  lately  set  up  Nelson  in  stone, 
diay  I  beg  to  ask  tou  whcn~lo  the  best  of  your 
knowledge — it  is  the  iutenl  ion  of  the  Imu  services 
to  set  up  Nelson's  daughter  in  a  liLtlo  gold  'i 

Accept  the  assurance  of  my  consideration^ 


A  Strcxo  Suit  iw  Diamonds.— The  Dress 
of  the  Nepaulese  Aiubassadors. 


L 


FROM  AN  OLD  FRIEND  IN  A  NEW  PLACE. 

"  Dear  Mb,  Puucu, 

"As  Iho  Echo  of  the  House  of  Commons,  I  don't  know  to 
^"?J?  i^™  better  oddrcss  mjsclf  than  to  you,  who  arc  the  Eclio  of 
Public  Opmjou. 

"  1  hare  been  shamcfullv  abused  of  late.  I  am  accused  of  not  d  g 
my  duly  of  fetcliing  and  earryiru?  the  utterances  of  the  eolleei 
wisdom  of  the  coiuitry.  I  am  eharjjcd  with  dropping  all  manner  ol 
words  m  their  passage  from  '  the  floor '  to '  the  waller}','  with  making  the 
CiiANrcLi/jB  OP  THE  ExcHEQUZB  conimit  fearful  blunders  in  arithmctip, 
Willi  losmg  the  points  of  Colonel  Siimionp's  jokes,  and  shamefully 
mutilating  Me.  Hcke*8  grammar. 

"  Sir,  it  is  sometimes  very  bcky  to  have  an  Echo  to  fall  back  upon. 
But!  appeal  to  the  past.  Do  I  deserve  this?  tlheold  and  tried 
Bcrvant  of  the  Commons,  who  have  had  the  honour  of  acting  as 
rrpMitfur  for  every  House  since  the  time  of  SiMn>-  i>e  Montfo»t  :  who 
saw  throuj^h  all  the  hard  work  of  the  Long  Parliament ;  who  assisted  at 
#w  L  ^  dying  speech  of  the  Rump,  and  carried  Cromwell's  message, 
Take  away  that  bauble !  *  to  the  seared  cars  of  Mb.  Speaxeu  ;  who 
sav  James  out  and  William  in;  who  reported  the  Debates  all 
throuich  the  reign  of  Geokge  the  Third;  and  have  had  the  honour 
of  bemg  word-bearer  to  a  Selden,  a  Marvkll,  a  Pitt,  a  Fox,  a 
BiRKE,  and  a  Grattak— 7  to  be  accused,  in  juy  old  age,  of  failm? 
to  do  iny  duty ;  of  allowing  Honourable  Gentlemen  to  be  *  inaudible  hi 
the  gallery ! ' 

"  ^°»j^"' — ^  throw  back  the  accusation  with  srom.  I  am  aa  semce- 
able-  and  hnrd-workinff,  and  able-bodied  an  Echo  as  ever  I  was.  1  have 
not  h»t  that  power  of  discrimination  which  I  have  acouired  through 
°^^T  L  ^^""*^  ^f  wearisome  experience.  I  still  know  uouscuse 
when  I  hear  it.  I  have  beard  enough,  aud  not  now,  anj-  more  than  ever, 
do  I  reneat  more  than  is  absolutely  necessary.  If  the  country  only 
knew  what  I  do  iKrf  carry,  they  would  feel  proper  gratitude  towards  a 
pubUc  servant  who  has  saved  them  from  more  false  grammar,  bad 
jokes,  verbiage,  rhodoinontade,  and  BiUingsgnte,  than  any  gentleman  of 
the  press  who  ever  *  took  a  turn '  in  the  gallery. 

**  I  repeat  it,  Sir  ■  the  fault  is  wtt  with  me.  In  the  Painted  Cbmnber 
nt  We!i*nun5ter  I  did  my  duty  in  the  days  of  the  Plantagenets.  In  St. 
Strphcn'fi  Chaiiel  I  was  generally  aekiiuwltdged  to  be  irreproochable, 
ilowu  to  the  leocnt  calamitous  tu-c  that  burned  out  me  and  my  rniplo^'ers. 
In  the  late  temnorary  House  I  made  inysclf  at  home,  aud  satislied 
Honourable  Members :  but  I  eonfeas  that  Mk.  Barrt  has  been  too  much 
for  me.  In  one  wortl,  Sir,  it  is  all  that  new  House!  What  with 
paiii  lUng,  and  crocketting,  and  finnikin,  and  tlnial.  and  arched  recesses, 

t  if?^?''  ?°^  *''^^  *°^  *^^  *""*  *^P  *"^  '^"^P'  ^^  iilagrec-work 
tf  I  '"?*^»  '^  cannot  keep  my  sounds  in  decent  order.  1  defy  any 
Lclio  going  (o  carry  a  message  safely  from  any  part  of  that  room  to 


any  other.  Theric*//  be  off,  playing  lude-and-seek  amoni  the  frri-work 
and  fripncry,  lurking  in  the  dkrkness  of  the  .>•!  -  "  "  *  '  :isf, 
on  the  sly,  in  among  the  ladies  who  sit  beliimi  io 

majiy  doves  in  a  cage.    It  was  only  the  other  d...    1 ....  tl.....ugs 

all  in  a  titter  at  b  bon-mot  of  Ma.  Stafpokd's  which  liad  got  up  there, 
the  sly  thing,  undetected  by  me  or  tlie  House,  and  was  having  it  all  its 
own  way  among  the  ladies. 

"  I  don't  know  how  many  withering  sarcasms  of  Mn.  Rozbuck  may 
be  at  this  momrut  taking  it  out  in  the  sunk  panels  of  the  eeib'ng,  or 
how  many  of  Sir  Chaules  Wood's  Stamp  Bill  ciJrulAtioiin^  mav  !« 
groping  through  the  dark  in  the  unexplored  recesses  beliiud  iJie  S[>caLcr'9 
Chair. 

"  In  short.  Sir,  I  will  not  be  answerable  for  any  message  that  may  be 
entrusted  to  me  in  the  new  Houae.  If  any  other  Echo  can  be  found 
to  do  the  business,  let  them  encage  that  Edio.  There  is  one  at  Exeter 
Hall,  who  has  had  a  good  deal  of  experience  in  the  Evangdical  and 
Boakebges  line  of  business;  and  perhaps  now  that  Lord  Asulet's 
Resolution  is  carried,  he  may  have  no  conscientious  objections  to  work 
fur  the  House  of  Commcms.  They  talk  about  the  Echos  employed  at 
the  theatres.  I  should  like  to  sec  the  Covent  Garden  KcJio  in  our  new 
House.  You  mi^t  just  os  well  set  Maxio  in  Sir  George  Grey's 
place,  and  tell  him  to  m^c  a  speech  on  the  Interment  Bill. 

*•  No,  Sir ;  depend  on  it  j  /am  all  right  enough,  if  Me.  Barbt  will 
only  give  me  fair  pUy. 

*'  I  don't  know  whether  that  gentleman  is  a  friend  of  ^Ir.  Thomas 
Carltle's.  But  if  the  architect  had  eonsiilured  how  he  might  best 
bring  about  thr  consummation  so  much  desired  by  the  ingenious  author 
of  the  Latter-Day  Pamphlets,  of  reducing  Parliament  from  a  speaking 
to  a  silent  body,  he  couldn't  have  hit  upon  a  cleverer  or  more  effectual 
way  of  doing  it  than  by  budding  such  a  House  of  Commons.  They 
don't  hold  their  tongues  in  it,  it  i.s  tnie.  But  what  they  say  ennH  be 
heard,  which  comes  pmetically  to  much  the  same  thing.  Trusting  that 
Ihid  will  meet  the  ear  of  the  Public, 

'*  1  remain,  Mr.  PuHch^  your  obedient  Servant, 
*'Tiie  Echo  or  the  Hovse  op  Commons." 


CROWS  SUOULDN*T  PICK  OCT  CB0W*8  BTB8. 

There  is  something  inconsistent  in  the  opposition  of  the  Under- 
takcni  to  the  Inttamuml  Interments  Bill.  The  worst  thins  they  say  of 
it  is,  that  it  is  **  a  black  job,"  Ihougli  it  is  precisely  by  '*  bUck  jobs  "  that 
they  have  hitherto  secured  their  own  livelihoods. 


Wanted,  pok  the   New  House  op  Commons. — A  discruuin&tiag 
Echo,  to  drown  nonsense  only. 


CHARIVAUI. 


AxBBRT  (  Spare  those  trees. 
Mind  where  you  Ilx  your  sliow ; 

For  mercy's  sake,  don't,  please, 
Go  spoiling  Rotten  Row. 

That  Ride,  that  famous  Ridc^ 
We  must  not  hare  de&troyedi 

For.  Dc'cf  to  be  supplied^ 
Its  toss  \rill  leave  a  void. 

Oh  !  certainly  there  might 

Bo  for  your  purpose  found 
A.  more  couffeniol  site 

Than  llyae  Park's  hollowed  ground. 


Wliere  Fasliiou  rides  Rud  drirea 
House  not  industrial  Art, 

But  *mid  tiie  busy  hives 
Right  in  the  City's  heart. 

And  is  it  thy  request 

The  place  tliat  I  'd  point  Qut  ? 
Then  I  should  say  the  best 

Were  Smithlicld,  without  doubt. 

There,  by  all  votes  approved. 
The  wide  world's  wares  display. 

The  Market  first  removed 
For  ever  and  a  day. 


PATHETIC  APPEAL  OF  43.POUNDERS. 
"Ma.  Pdnch, 

"  Tom  Bi.S>*acle  writes  this  for  us,  the  lung  guns  of  the  Vtctorff,  Portsmouth,  and  we  du 
hope  Hmt  your  honour  will  so  put  our  case  afore  the  Loras  of  the  Admindtjr,  that  they  *11  take  pity  on 
us,  as  42-pouiiders  that  have  feeliugs,  oud  what  is  more,  characters  to  consider  iu  H£a  Majesty's — 
Heaven  bless  her ! — uaval  scn'icc. 

**  Mr.  pHttch—We'n:  not  the  sort  of  fellows  to  brag,  whatsuinevcr  noise  we  may  have  made  in  the 
world;  notwithstanding  and  for  all  that,  it  does  seem  a  little  hard  to  us*  that  wo,  who  blazed  away 
at  Tnualgar,  should  be  called  upon  to  salute  tbc  DucuEss  or  Kknt,  a  quiet  old  lady,  every  time  she 
goes  to  take  tea,  or  dinner,  as  it  may  liappcn,  with  her  Royal  daughter  and  Koyal  gnmdbabics,  crossing 
from  Portsmouth  to  Osborne.  I  'm  sure,  when  we  're  thundering  away,  we  must  do  her  more  harm  than 
good ;  and  when  wo  think — for,  after  sucli  a  long  peace,  even  guns  are  beginning  to  think — that  we  Ve 
blowing  away  some  of  the  taxes  in  blank  cartridge,  and  all  for  notbing  but  to  boCner  and  stun  a  gentle- 
woman  that  cnu't  du  ber  any  real  honour  sumcver,  we  put  it  to  you,  Mr.  Fumch^  tu  put  it  to  Her 
Giucioos  HAJurr  thb  Queek— Heaven  bless  her  again!  say  all  of  us — ^to  order  the  gunner's  mat«s 
to  \ta.\c  u9  in  peace  tod  quietness,  saving  the  ears  of  the  Dccnzsa  or  Kent,  and  the  gunpowder 
of  the  people. 

"  loan  CToM  Bikkacle),  for 
**PorU9umthr  "TiiK  OcN8  o?  H.  M.  3.  Victory." 


OENTLK   IJaVtt,  TELI.  ME  TTOT  P 

Wmr  was  the  Cuban  Expeditios  not  put  an  riid  to  by  the  retreat  of  tho  Araeriam  booooaoers? 
Becaosb  they  went  away  with  much  more  Extedition  than  they  oame ! 


ARTICLES  INTENDED  FOR  THE 
EXHIBITION  OF  INDUSTRY. 

OuB  Fast  Max  has  sent  to  the  Com- 
missioners of  the  Grand  Exhibition  the 
list  of  the  following  articles  whirli  be 
intends  \t\  exhibit  as  speriniens  of  hi« 
industry  during  the  year  185L  ;— 

11  Xnorkcrrt,  of  tl»   ■dntnd  Llcifi'a  Ttriul 
Dfttlcm,  Ukta  from   the  dooti  of  thi 

Nobiutr 

1  Orou  of  "  Fan  of  the  Fain,"  or  scrmtcltRV, 
I  Porrmtt  of  PwifCB  Aldbut  •nd  Victoma 

(ftft.  \)f  6in.)  tu  dlt  eingcrbKAtl  -  r*«k- 

ooed  very  good— Mrty  tmpmiloo. 
SI  Pioniililnoa  and  Woodea  P«u«.  voa  at 

Greeawloli. 
t  Handle  of  a  Pinnp,  and  Inn  Ladle,  oom- 

Iplflto— p#ry  rart. 
as  t  O  (T*  |!lven  al  oardi,  vlth  utoffraphi 

of  MveraldUUngnUbed  yoang  iiMoabnnt 

town. 
9M  Oeinilne  Letten  tmm  a   rleli  aMortmnnt 

«r  Indesmcn,  all  harktg  "a  Utile  bill  to 

tAke  up  tieit  veck." 
1  ralntinff  In  OU.  witb  InacrlpUoo  "  Mtlk 

•old  here.** 
1  Free    AdmtssfoD     to   JcLLiiv'f  Concert 

fitr  18M,  with  JuLUKx'e  aien  manual 

(written  with  the  twoTc)  tti  tho  anmer, 

and  a  prlrate  uemonin(luiu'*NotTrmB*- 

ri:n1ile." 

1  Ulchljr-coloored  clajr  pipe,  not  more  than 

(wo  Incbea  looir,  InUndnl  to  be  worn  In 

tlw  vaUlcNMit  pocket,  with  bovl  perfocUjr 

hlack— qaite  unique. 
8  Tkkala  In  Tarioui  iwiwpitaltes ;  which,  tf 

th0re5i>«Ktlvehioreea  liad  woD,wo4il<t  li^ve 

fiirai  the  lacky    holder  prtMe  W  (lie 

■mount  of  XIAAIO. 
fip  Bad  alxpenooa  taken  flrom  'hue  oondiutan 

on  vet  olibU.' 
\i  HatH  ordlfftrent  ilaec  taken  ainiy  In  mix 

takn  fmm  rveiilng  parties.     (Samea  of 

maken  Inside). 
t4  CoaU  to  inateli. 

2  tibarai  ta  (be    Frankfort   LoUerr,  «itb 

Itrlzw,  payable  at  Fruik^r^  of  S«.  Si. 
each. 
7  Pevter  pota,  hlshlx  embosaod,  found  late 
at    iiifibt  on  area  railings,  and  never 
rudalmed. 

1  UardeDRolLetfoooeUiepropcrtjofariuhlon- 

able  Square). 
1  Mortgaite-dBed   of  a   valoabla  abop-watch 

(duplicate  moveiaeat). 
SS  CbeekstoUwUaTmai1iet,AdelpUL Lyceum, 

and  Strand  TbwtrM— all  admUalble  at 

bair  price. 
i  RcfhjNbment  Vouchent  for  Cretnome  Gar- 

Acn^  ctitlillog  the  fnrtunvte  pone^Aor  to 

rofreatimeuts  not  oiooedlng  tlte  ralue  of 

sLxpenoe  each  ticket, 
1  Ralum  tlrket  fycnn  Roeherrille,  dated  Jolj 

1860— the  monorable  night  of  Dabov 

Kathax's  benefit. 


( 


i 


sniczmrr  vs  bl&ck. 

Now  that  the  metropolitan  Inter* 
mcnta  Bill  bos  paBsc<l  the  House  of 
Oonimons,  a  stigma  will  linve  bocn  re- 
moved from  the  character  of  under- 
takers. These  gentlemen  will  no  loogor 
be  chargeable  wltli  hypocrisy  in 
ing  mouruing. 


"O,  SI   SIC  OMNES." 

Thkuk  Iws  btcly  been  started  on 
the  Thames  a  new  stcani-boat  with 
the  old  title  (ff  the  Eamri.  It  certainly 
is  the  Ti^ry  worst  name  for  a  sca-iroing 
cmft,  since  uo  one  will  ro  on  iiuart] 
tho  Emmet  uithout  thinking  of  an 
Emetic.       

AKtMAL     XAOVKTtSK. 

TuK  frreat  attraction  of  the  Hippo- 
Ijotanms. 


I 
i 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I 


A     BIT     OF     MY     MIND. 


BIT  THE  TENTH. 


suet    01    MB.    aTUKFTREK.       11    Will    DC    SWCCC    ftlia    FCirCS 

bullocks  have  been  baited^  to  nut  tin  iron-ring  in  the  nowv 
pride ;  clmnniiut,  where  bttle  lambs  have  bleated  for  Ibo  i 
and  didn't  find  cm,  to  mortify  the  flesh  of  Sunday  sinners, 


MBS,  MOUSEB  FBOPOSSS  AJt  EXtUBITION  OV  LOAD  ABOLET^S 
MODEL  SUyDAT. 

ToB  fiD^er  of  fortune  is  in  it,  \fr.  Punci,  and  points  oat  Smithtield 
•»  the  very  iilaco  for  tbi-  modfl  Asiiletopolis.  I'd  hardly  i»ut  my  last 
"Bit"  in  tuc  post  when  I  saw  the  Parliament Beport that reoouimetids 
the  repeal  of  Smithfield  as  a  market-^ilace  for  c&ttle ;  which  leaves  it 
beautuidly  open  for  our  moral  cxi)ermient  on  a  grand  scale :  for  the 
Inrje  and  wholesome  exhibition  of  Sunday,  according  to  Lord  Asulei  ; 
which  briuffs  me  to  n  notion  that,  at  once,  as  with  a  pair  of  tweezers,  I 
feci  it  my  duty  to  nip  in  the  bud.    Which  ia  this. 

There  5  i^i  Mus.  HonyBLOWEii — if  she  could  only  hear  what  people 
said  of  her,  1  M/at  she  'd  look  a  little  more  after  her  family  concerns  : 
lucudinj;  pubhc  morals  is  very  well,  when  there  isn't  a  single  hole  in  a 
stocking  at  home — well,  there 's  that  M115.  H.,  I  bear,  has  writ  a  letter 
— and  Uke  her  impudence ! — to  Piunck  Albekt,  to  ask  for  a  few  acres 
in  the  new  Exhibition,  which  they'n:  wcctliug  Hyde  Park  for  at  this 
minote  of  all  the  British  oaks — to  show  a  Model  British  Sunday,  as  a 
specimen  of  Parliament  Manubcture,  for  the  improvement  and  con- 
version of  all  the  forei^crs  lliat  's  coming.  A  Model  Sunday,  as  she 
say:s,  that  will  nat  all  Paris  to  the  blush,  and  not  jcave  Brussels  or 
Vienna  a  single  W  to  dance  upon !  Now.  Mr.  Punch,  if  this  was  ^rrantcd 
— not  that  it  will  be,  the  dear  Prince  has  too  nmcfi  sense  for  that — a 
^imd  idea  would  be  cut  up  inl n  a  little  k  if kshaw— just  as  though  aniag- 
niliceut  venison  past;r  for  GuildhoU  should  be  frittered  away  into  nothing 
better  than  penDV  pies. 

No,  Mr.  Punch  ;  Smithficld  is  to  be  hircdi  and  it  will  be  a  beautiful 
satisfaction  to  the  calves  and  sheep  that  have  suffered  there,  to  have 
their  market  turned  into  a  pUce,  where  the  wickedness  of  human 
nature  may  be  rebuked— as  the  Beadle  of  the  Hall  says— hy  the  hockey- 
stick  of  Mb.  STUMrrREK.     It  will  be  sweet  and  rcfrcaninff,   where 

nosoJi  of  worldly 
water- brooks 
thirsting  for 
country  air.  and — it  may  he — a  steam-boat  on  the  Thames. 

I  should  DC  ashamed  of  my  fcllow-rn'iituns  if  I  oould  doubt  that  the 
money  token  at  the  cominar  Sackcloth  Sabbath  fair  would  not  be  enough, 
and  more,  to  hire  Smithfleld  foronoe  a  week— for  the  Exliibition  of  tnc 
Model  Sunday  would,  of  course,  only  be  wanted  every  seventh  day  while 
the  Park  Show  lasts — and  then  as  for  the  building,  all  we  want  would 
be  a  monster  tent,  painted  black  with  a  sort  of  doom — an  aUegoir  the 
Beadle  says  it  should  be— fire  red,  to  hover  above  the  top  of  it. 

Why,  I  quite  bum  and  glow  with  the  thought.  As  the  Beadle  says,  my 
spirit 's  like  an  aile  tree — (not  that  I  know  where  the  tree  grows)— that 
kmdlcs  as  it  turns,  with  tljc  idea !  Again,  as  money— say  twopence,  for 
it  wouldn't  be  right  to  to  higher  than  St.  Paul's — as  money  woula  be 
taken  at  the  doors  of  tae  Tent,  the  Exhibition  would  more  than  pay 
itself. 

ITicrft  *s  no  doubt  of  it,  that  five  hundred  families — running,  wc  'U  say. 
five  ^iece — oould  be  accommodated  under  the  Tent,  to  carry  out 
Sunday  in  a  way  that  should  preach,  as  the  Beadle  says,  thunderbolts. 
In  order  that  the  whole  dav  might  be  proneriy  done,  the  families  should 
meet,  not  later  than  daylight,  on  tlic  Sunuay  uiomiug,  to  begin  with  the 
beginning,  and  not  leave  before  twelve  at  night,  to  go  turough  the 
model  day.    And  0rst  for  the  people  showing  themselves. 

Load  Ashlkt — as  they  say  in  the  papers — is  expected  to  preside  on 
ths  occasion.  With  him  there  will  Iw  more  than  a  !iprinklmg  of  the 
heads  of  the  Church;  with  Ma.  Stumitkes,  Mu.  Vr  Nkwcatl,  and 
all  the  majority  that  sealed  up  the  Sunday  post.  Everybody  is  to  show 
A  pattern  of  cvery1)ody  helping  himself  on  the  Model  bay ;  so  that  the 
master  shall  be  Kis  own  footman,  and  the  mistress  her  own  maid-of- 
all-work. 

As  for  the  time  between  the  hours  of  devotion— which,  of  course,  is 
to  be  according  to  everybody's  couscience — that  is  to  be  passed  m  a 
way  that  will  strike  home  to  the  hearts  and  hearth-stones  of  the 
thoughtless  wicked,  for  whose  good  the  exhibition  is  intended.  It 
isn't  for  me  to  give  rules  outright ;  I  can  only  embolden  myself  so  far, 
as  to  drop  here  and  there  a  hint. 

I  am  aware  that  I  approach  a  delicate  snlqect — nluiving.  Neverthe- 
less, in  these  times,  people  are  to  speak  out.  1  think  all  shaving,  and 
so  I  have  told  Mocser,  should  take  pUoe  on  tlic  Saturday  night. 
Neither  do  1  think  that  water  ought  to  oe  set  to  boil  on  Sundays  rbut 
that  l|C0])lc,  with  n  proper  interest  in  their  own  welfare,  will  only  do 
what  ia  right  to  take  a  serious  breakfast  of  cold  tea. 

A  hot  ainiu'T  i**.  of  coiirse,  an  abomination— tlin  oven  being  by  no 
means  second  to  a  liery  furnace.  If  people  would  only  think  «  tbioga 
in  their  proper  light,  wouldn't  they— says  the  Beadle  of  the  Hafl— 
wouldn't  they  shudder  at  the  very  notion  of  a  ahotUder-of-niutton 
baked ;  with  the  gravy  hissing  among  the  potatoes  beneath  ?  Thejr  *d 
see  in  that  scorcucd  shoulder,  and  hnar  in  that  bubbling  and  bisMng 
gnrj,  a  warning  and  a  sermon  that  is  too  drMdfol  to  thm¥  upon. 


As  for  Sunday  cbthes,  nobody  under  the  Tent  will  presume  to  wear 
an/thing  but  the  deepest  black ;  silver  grey,  perhaps  being  aDowed  for 
inunts  and  the  younger  branches.  As  for  nbbons,  tnoy  must  be  looked 
upon  as  carnal  ties ;  and  so  much  as  a  single  flower  in  a  bonnet,  little 
better  than  fiower  of  brimstone.  , 

The  time  under  the  Tent  not  spent  in  service  is  to  be  enjoyod  m  per- 
fect nlowe ;  everybody  sitting  and  wondering  at  and  applauding  hu 
own  goodness — and,  as  the  B^dle  says,  patting  his  own  spiritual  head, 
and  toinking  how,  in  that  sweet,  sad-coloured  teut,  he  is  so  much  better 
than  the  flatmting,  forlorn  peoric,  who— liaving  been  to  church— po  into 
the  fields ;  and  letting  their  thoughts,  like  butterflies,  rove  from  tree  to 
tree,  and  flower  to  flower,  have  in  'em  no  more  religion  tlion  the  larks 
above  their  heads,  that  an:  uinging  they  don't  know  why,  mid  arc  happy 
in  their  ignorance  because  they  can't  help  it.  ,     , ,    , 

The  Bodile  of  the  Hall  tells  mc— and  he  had  it  from  the  black  man 
with  the  broom  that  is  now  the  esquire  to  the  Nepaulesc  Ambassadon 
— (hat  there's  an  Indian  God  thatdoea  nothing  out  sit  cross-legged, 
thinkhig  of  nothing  soever  but  his  own  sweetness  and  goodness— his 
own  elevation  above  all  other  creatures.  Now  that 's  the  stale  I  wish 
to  get  into:  that's  the  state  that  everybody  who— with  proper  earnest- 
ness—makes  one  for  Lobd  AsHiJtT*s  Model  Sunday,  niust  hope  to 
arrive  at.  For  why  does  his  Lordship,  Mb.  Stdrituxk,  Mb.  Dr  Ntw- 
OATi,  and  so  forth,  take  the  Sunday  Post  out  of  the  hands  of  the 
wicked  P  Why,  for  this  humble  reason ;  they  know  )>cht  what  is  right, 
and  Uicrefore— with  a  beautiful  boldness  that  comes  of  true  piety,  says 
the  Beadle- will  make  the  Seventh  Dav  for  other  iwople. 

I  hoi>c.  however,  that  when  his  Lordshio  takes  his  place  in  the  Smith- 
field  Tent,  he  will  "  improve"  upon  the  Sunday,  to  the  [profit  of  this 
wicked  land,  and  to  the  further  delight  in  particular,  of  his 

Lordship's  faithful  scsnnt. 


irOT  TO  BE  DKUVEVXB   VKTtl.  MO.M}AY. 


NEW  DAILY  SUMMARY  OF  THE  DEBATES. 

W\tn  hoi\  HfMMta  of  AtUmumI  wtU  U  JbMud. 

The  House  of  Lords  met  yesterday  at  a  quarter-past  foar.  and  sat 
for  six  hours.  As  not  a  word  of  the  Debutes  was  audible,  wo  arc  saved 
the  trouble  of  reporting  them. 

The  House  of  Commons  assembled  early  in  the  afternoon,  and  did  not 
udjoum  till  long  past  midnight.  We  ore  sorry  we  are  not  in  a  position 
to  say  what  the  Debate  was  upon,  for  though  wc  were  in  the  gnllery  all 
the  tmie,  we  did  not  hear  a  single  syllable. 

Edilor'i  Rcmarh  on  iks  above  SuMmaq^, 

We  are  spared  the  necessity  of  offering  any  comments  upon  the  sab- 
iect  of  the  Debates  that  occupied  the  att^^ntion  of  our  two  Houses  of 
Legtslature  for  so  many  hours  last  nicht,  from  the  simiilc  fact  that  we 
arc  perfectly  at  a  loas  to  conjecture  wbnt  the  subjfct  of  ihosc  Debutes 
was.  Wo  could  not  ascertain,  nor  nniUi  nny  one  infona  us.  Under 
these  circumstances  our  task  is  very  slight,  for  we  liave  only  to  net  upon 
the  old  rule  which  enjoins  every  rulional  creature  never  to  talk  unless 
he  has  something  to  talk  upon.  As  we  have  absolntelf  nothing  to  say, 
we  ooogratulate  ooraelves  upon  the  great  prudence  we  display  in  holding 
our  tongues. 


4 


4 


4 


\ 


^o.  »«^- 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  rOOLERY  OP  FASHION. 

un  daily  eipcriejic«  t^ncbea  ns 

oad  it  i^  et^ually  a  fact  umi 
evenbodj"  is  playing'  the  foo! 
at  all  hours.  The  present 
pmetice  of  what  is  ca!Ue4  the 
Wdonablc  wotM  is  to  kill 
time,  not  merelv  ia  the  old 
fstablisbed  moaeSj  but  to 
fhufflt;  the  houja  together  in 
sueh  an.  extTaordmnjTr  way, 
that  it  ia  quite  impossible  to 
form  any  notion  of  time's 
hjiTing  anv  esisteuce  vimt- 
GTcr.  Wc Und the deaumnvk 
dinbg  whtHi  it  ought  to  go 
to  hcOf  dimcing  when  it  ought 
to  be  taking  its  luncheon, 
^ing  to  bed  when  it  ou^ht 
lobe  getting  up,  and  having 
its  bpaikfast  when  it  ought 
to  be  taking  its  dinner. 

There  ia  .  Buch  an  inde- 
scribftble  confusion  of  houtB, 
as  to  remind  us  of  the 
worst  days  of  St.  Clement'j  Clock,  or  that  disgraceful  scries  of 
esaipndcs  in  which  the  timepicoe  of  the  Horse  Guards  indulged  wkcn 
it  used  to  resort  to  thcfiHiircof  "hands  across,  and  Wk  agtdu,"  or 
iiidulpc  in  a  "jsrrand  rouna"  of  all  the  Jioutb  at  once  in  the  course  of 
twenty  minutes.  We  arc  in  hopes  tbarthe  redmtio  ad  ab^ardtim  that 
has  been  effected  in  the  hoiira  kefft  by  the  iiForld  of  fjishion  will  soon 
work  a  cure,  or  lend  to  an  essential  improvement,  inasmuch  as  it  is  quite 
impossihle  Ihtit  the  pi*eHrat  pTacticc  of  dining  between  9  mid  10  v.  u.., 
diincijii;  a.t  noon^  arid  hrenkJnatbg  in  t!ie  evening  can  be  persisted  in 
much  longer,  if  the  beau  monde  is  to  claim  credit  for  sense  of  the  very 
commonest  character. 

Wc  confess  ourselves  also  thoroughly  nausf^ated  by  the  names  eiven 
in  the  fashionable  papers  to  the  enlertairnncuts  of  wnnt  are  caUed  the 
Idgher  dasaea,  who  have  _  introduced  what  thev  term  11^4  d&mauiff^pT 
dancing  teas,  and  other  similar  absurdities.  Ii  we  arc  to  have  a  acriCH 
of  dikitcing  teas,  wliy  not  a  course  of  niugical  dinners,  IjTic  luuchcona, 
ficieulific  niiEt-and -waters,  litemry  bread-and-chccsca,  or  any  other 
ridicuious  eomhinalion  of  what  the  vulgariau.n  would  call  "grub"  and 
Micty  ?  Wc  sha.U  be  hearing  shodlv  that  tlie  Visccustbss  WumiJGiG 
baa  giTcn  an  f^a  d^  tie  dtin^^tHle,  liodj  as  Caftain  Joti>'saN  would  haro 
aaid,  "  Why  not?"  for  it  would  be  quite  as  rational  as  a  dancing  tea. 
and  far  more  spirited,  We  have  never  yet  been  to  a  daucing  tea,  but 
Ihc  subject  atwaya  brin|?s  to  our  imnd  the  magTufieent  fa&ifau  of  JBATtoH 
Kat}IAN  and  \m  popuJar  faudau^  among  the  e^gs  and  breakfast-cups. 


THE  PENNY-POST.CAERIEII.PIGE0N-S11NDAY.SOCIE1T. 

A  SEW  society  ia  libout  to  be  orgauificd  ■with  the  above  title.  Its 
object  is  to  deliyer  pareda  on  a  Sunday  between  neighbouring  towns. 
At  a  distance  of  every  thirty  miles  there  will  be  a  fresh  relay  of  pi^rf^ns. 
By  tills  means  tk  letter— wc  mcau  a  twircil— will  be  conveyed  from  Lon- 
don to  Manchester  ve^  much  riuioKcr  tbau  if  it  bad  been  sent  through 
the  post.  A  pife'con  wilJ  start  every  two  hoTirs^— thaa  enabling  a  person 
to  scud  a  Idler  nud  recei\c  an  answer  on  the  same  day*  It  is  cjJcukted. 
that  ejich  pigeon  can  with  tlie  greatest  safety  cany  twenty -four  lettera. 
the  Bijc  ot  which  will  be  Uniited  by  a^ scale;  and  as  some  hundreds  of 
pigeons  would  fly  off  at  once,  it  Is  easily  calculated  how  enormous  l)ie 
returns  will  he  in  the  course  of  a  day,  for  the  numtKjr  of  pigeons  would 
Old y  be  restricted  by  the  number  of  letters.  Pistxra-holes  would  be 
established  at  dilFcrent  parts  of  the  nietropolia  for  tbc  reception  of 
letter?, — oiiJy  whfu  wc  siiy  letters,  of  course  it  is  understood  we  mean 
parwbi.  The  only  difTcrrucc  would  be,  thiit  the  Ictlers  would  have  to 
be  strmi'*  romid  with  coloured  thread,  for  fear  the  Posl-OUlcc  might  cry 
out  apunat  an  interference  with  ita  motioijcjly.  and  prosecute  private 
uiiijviduals  for  deriving  any  emolmricnt  from  the  execution  of  a  duty 
which  it  refuses  to  carry  out  itself.  We  wieh  thw  new  Carrier-Pigeon- 
Sunday  ^Society  every  auceefss. 


A  Nice  littie  Volume. 

Among  new  works  lately  advertised,  wc  find— 

"  The  Q  re»S  Gorh&m  CkH  l  *  Histaiy,  tn  Stb  boolt*.     In  Ofla  Tol  3*.  ^  clolh," 

We  can  confldently  recommend  the  peruaal  of  this  book — by  way  of 
penance  for  heresy  on  the  subject  it  relates  to,  provided  the  Court  of 
Archea  and  the  Priry  Council,  between  theni,  can  i^gree  aa  to  what 
here'»y  ia. 


HYPE  PiVHK  IN  JEOPABDYi 

Wb  live  in  on  age  of  mutation. 
And  a  warehouse  aa  big  ^  an  Ark, 

To  exhibit  the  goods  of  each  nation. 
Will  illustrate  that  truthful  remark, 

By  the  pleasant  and  nice  alteration 
Its  erection  will  make  in  Hyde  Park. 

No  more  the  aunerior  classes 
WUl  parade  their  vain  ele^iince  there ; 

But  your  bhthc  lads  and  iroLicsome  lassea 
Give  the  pkcc  quite  a  ilitTcreut  air ; 

*Twill  he  crowded,  in  fact,  bv  the  maases. 
And  by  Greenwich  aistcaa  of  May  Pair. 

TJo  longer  fine  ladies  ahatl  amble, 
With  their  delicate  aira,  in  the  Ride ; 

The  soft  Guards  tnau  no  lon^r  will  gambol 
At  the  frivolous  horsewomau^s  side. 

But  the  holiday -niob  push  and  scramblej 
Scorning  all  ostentation  and  pride. 

With  tobacco  the  gale  shall  be  loaded 
Now  so  fragrant  with  bouijucts  and  scents, 

And  the  Waterloo  cracker  exploded. 
Mid  much  noi^e  like  the  tearing  of  rents : 

Whilst  we're  rather— not  much— mcoinmoaed 
By  our  backs  being  rasped  by  the  gents. 

The  gentle  and  mil^  conyersatiou. 

Softened  doAvn  by  SQcietv*s  hiw^ 
W^di  give  place  to  the  rough  exclamation. 

To  the  Lively  and  boisterous  jaw. 
To  the  loud,  joUyj  bold  imi>recatio]i. 

And  the  roaring  and  hearty  gu^avr. 

The  flowcra  wiU  no  longer  their  sweetness 
Iti  the  Gardens  of  Kensbigton  waste ; 

They  'ii  be  jilucked  with  surprising  completeness, 
And  the  grounds  will  be  somewhat  defaced. 

Never  care  for  tlieir  order  and  neatness — 
After  oli,  that's  a  matter  of  taste, 

The  great  human  tide  ^ill  ebb  idghtlyj 
And  its  scum  in  the  Park  leave  bclutid, 

Tlierc  to  harbour— nice  ehnraclera»  slightly^ 
It  may  be,  uiitti  pillagr  inclined  ; 

If  BeJ^via  aud  PimLico  iightly 
"Weigh  this  danger — why  then,  never  mind. 


THE  DEEP  AND  AllTTUL  IN  FOMIGN  POLICY 

Pi/NCii  hereby  gives  notice  of  a  motion  to  have  the  following  passage 
from  Mr,  Il(;iEBUcK'a  speech  io  defence  of  LoitD  pAiat£E5T0!**s  policy 
printed  in  letters  of  gold ; — 

"  t^tnr,  atr,  I  at  nnoo  Bcknovledge  tbnt  I  wl^h  the  peoplo  of  Cm|;Iatid  waald  eatinlj 
wltfadriiw  frotn  tbese  fr)lBi^ra.li1c  CQUKQltHdooB  aad  dlploiaatic  pelmifoDB  wllb  nH  nntlonfc 
{Hear,  Ador.)  I  f(»]  dtrgrfttlcd  whisi  1  &co  Cbe  ruun^i  o(  E:.DS^liuid  prcdtitutad  In  flucli  dLi- 
CUWloil*.  liJfar,  Aenr.)  I  wnnt  no  reiircuotiUUivo  la  iim  a^bape  Of  an  ambBJiMdor  Iv  ftnf 
ForeJi^  Cuurt,  lu  jirotcct  mir  r!i|hl» — It't  U  bv  lliu  Brcai.  name  at  Eq^Und — imi  let  IE  n 
DA  tbc  Hcditt:mac«a  dux  fllu|>tf  otul  DutiuDg  nicjv. 

That  'fl  the  phm  for  Bbitamuia  in  dealing  with  forei^ers,  to  abandon 
the  artful  dodge^  nad  oouduct  her  maucEuvrea  ouly  on  the  deep. 


ShekApeRre  a  la  Fiant^aUe. 

To  some  tastes  Soaksfeaj^e,  like  railway  nceoniitaj  must  be  cooked 
in  order  to  be  m&de  plea&aut.  On  the  occasion  of  some  recent  festivitiea, 
M.  SuVKit,  as  wc  leani  fnam  the  Morni/fg  Po^f,  nrodiiced  an  invention 
in  (;astri;jnomy.  Our  coutcmixjrary  informs  us  thut  "  the  new  cnjinarr 
innovation  "  (a  rather  peculiar  kind  of  innovatiou  that  must  be),  "  waa 
named  Onms(ade  Skak^aricnne  h  ia  Hai^y  Scriif.** 

Crottsiade,  friend  Soyeu  ?  Oughtn't  it  to  have  been  salmi  f  Siimily 
if  you  meant  to  concoct  a  Shakspearian  dish  in  iho  style  of  Sc£lB£  and 
llALkvv,  you  should  have  made  a  hash  of  it. 


A5  the  tellers  on  tho  Vote  of  Confidenoe  division  advanced  to  declare 
the  numbers,  the  Speaker— with  doubtless  a  prophetic  sense  of  the 
majority  of  46 — said,  with  a  benisBaat  smile  at  MJBiatera—*' Gently 
men  will  be  pleeaod  to  keep  thdr  places," 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


13 


HJl.  SEESAW'S  CONDUCT  IN  PAELIAiCENT 
DURING  THl-;  LATE  DEBATES. 

Tub  conduct  of  Mii.  Seesaw  in  the  circunistanccs  which  have  been 
of  Ittte  engntfinff  the  Bttcnlion  of  Ihc  country,  and  calling  forth  the 
eloquence  of  both  Houses  of  Parluunciit  has  been  excee^gly  puuUng 
toM"  '^'"  "v  himfirjf,  and  such  an  oil  hia  friends  expected  of  him. 
Unl '  ty,  lii.i  motto, "  measures  not  menj"  his  firmly  expressed 

detfi  in'inpf  to  "  rally  round  the  BritLsh  Oak/  the  iudepcndcnt 

pJectora  of  Noodleborouph.  ot  which  town  the  distinguished  ffentleman  is 
n  natirc,  clioac  him  lately  as  their  representative,  in  place  oi  the  vctcmn 
1) ADDLES,  who  thousht  ihnt,  because  he  bad  represented  the  borough 
Bincc  the  Refonn  Bill,  he  might  dispcose  with  treating  and  the  usual 
ceremonies  which  he  nod  performed  at  the  previous  elections.  Having 
sijcnilird  his  intentions  to  this  effect,  Mn.  PoirscB,  Solicitor,  and  Mayor 
of  thcTownof  Noodleborough,  discflvercd  with  regret  that  Mk  Dadoles 
wuB  no  longer  a  fit  person  to  be  returned  to  Paniameut  by  such  a  con- 
stituency as  that  ofNoodleboroii^h,  and  proposed  the  accomplished  and 
wealthy  Mjl  Seesaw  in  opposition  to  the  former  memoer.  Mil. 
Daddlcs  was  vanquished  in  the  contest,  and  %1k.  Seesaw  has  been  in 
parliament  for  the  last  tlirec  years. 

Fire  or  six  courses  wercoiwn  to  Mil  S.  on  his  commencing  bis  parlia- 
mentary career :  to  join  the  nmiisterial  party,  or  tliat  of  the  oi^sition, 
or  tlmt  of  Sir  Robert  Peel,  or  that  of  the  advanced  Hbcrahi,  or  to  be 
lumself  a  party  open  to  cdl  and  fettered  by  none.  This  latter  lino 
Mb«  Srksaw  chose,  and  sontetimcs  voted  one  way  and  sometimes 
another^  with  a  praiseworthy  impartiality  which  had  its  merits  and 
advantages. 

A  man  who  has  his  vote  in  his  pocket  is  always  an  interesting 
character.  AVhcnyoa  see  Mb.  Wicsby  going  down  to  the  House,  or 
SiK  JouN  Hawbuck,  nobody  cares  to  know  now  fiej/  will  vote.  Tccir 
opinions  ore  the  opinions  of  iheir  party,  and  Don  Pacifico  is  cither  on 
injured  indindiuJ  who  merits  redress,  or  an  old  rogue  who  dcscncs  lo 
have  his  house  turned  out  of  windows,  according  to  the  opinion  of  their 
lejidcrs. 

Now  &EE.HAW  is  not  u  tliick  and  thin  Protectionist  like  Hawbcck, 
or  a  mere  ministerial  ruin  ion  like  Wigsbt.  He  has  lodgings  in  Saint 
James's  Street,  half-way  between  Brooks's  and  the  Cuusenative:  and 
when  he  first  entered  Parliument,  he  declared  thnt  one  club,  the  Oxford 
and  Cambridge,  was  quite  sutiicieut  for  him,  and  tlmt  he  must  wait  for 
a  year  or  two,  and  economise  after  his  electioneering  expenses,  before 
he  could  afford  to  pay  the  entrance-money  to  any  other  cliib. 

He  always  said,  he  was  free  to  avow,  that  he  thought  the  Gorem- 
ment  of  the  countr)-  should  be  wisely  Ubcral,  and  cautiouslv,  though 
rnergctically,  progrcs-sive.  Tiic  Com-Lawa  being  repealed,  it  was  bis 
lirro  opinion  that  the  Free  Trade  system  should  have  a  fair  niol :  at  the 
same  time,  if  it  wa.f  found  tlmt  our  agricultural  interests  (and  onr 
manufactures  through  them)  suffered  so  much  that  some  protection  was 
absolutely  necessary  to  maintain  them  •  he,  for  one,  rehictantly  but 
firmly,  would  consent  to  a  modification  ol  the  present  system. 

An  enemy  to  religious  cant,  and  a  friend  ia  tolerance  and  freedom, 
Mb.  Seesaw  could  not  but  scc^  was  j)roud  to  ace.  tliut  ours  was  emi- 
iiently  a  rcUgious  country ;  and  admiring  aa  he  did  the  honesty  and 
philanttiropy  of  Loan  Asiflet,  and  the  great  and  good  party  whom 
lie  represented  (with  some  of  whose  extreme  views  he  could  not  liow- 
ever  take  npon  himself  to  concur),  and  subscribimc  from  the  dcptlis  of 
bis  heart  to  the  doctrine  tlmt  the  Government  omciids— and  by  conse- 
quence those  in  the  Post-Office — should  hnvc  everj-  possible  lat>Qur 
spared  to  them  on  the  Sunday,  Mr,  Seesaw,  though  he  would  not 
vote  with  the  noble  lord,  yet  certainly  on  that  subject  would  not  vote 
against  him — and  wnnnlv  complimented  Loan  Joun  upon  his  resolutimi 
not  to  interfcrc—a  compliment  wliich  must  have  surprised  and  delightcH 
Ills  lordship^  and  given  him  a  liigh  opinion  of  Mr.  Seesaw's  coosci- 
cntions  pntnotism. 

From  the  dtiy  of  lii*  entrance  into  the  Honso  of  Commons,  Ma. 
Seesaw  made  a  poirit  of  cultivating  the  acqtmintance  of  gentlemen  of 
uU  parties,  and  being  an  agreeable  person  of  nmch  anecdote,  and 
pleasing  humour,  haa  soon  a  pretty  hirgc  acquaintance.  Good 
HeAvens!  what  a  brilliant  wit,  what  a  tearing  invective,  what  a 
consnmmate  rhetoric,  Mb.  Disbazli  possessor  he  would  say,  when 
the  Honourable  Member  for  Bnckingbamshiie  spoke,  whom  Mb, 
SraSAW  invaribly  cheered  with  frantic  enthusiasm.  \Vhat  a  spirit 
there  is  about  Lord  John,— the  same  panegyrist  would  remark— what  a 
high-minded  }inplish  statesman,  what  a  plncky  man  he  is!  which 
remark  he  made  with  special  enthusiasm  with  regard  to  his  Lordship's 
contest  on  the  Sunday  Bill.  Ho  cheered  the  chivalry  of  Coionei. 
SiBTiiOBr :  he  would  go  a  hundred  miles  to  heu-  Cobdkn,  and  Mil  Fox 
was  ss  great  an  orator  as  his  illuBtrioiis  namesake.  He  admired  honest 
men  of  all  onininns,  Mr.  Sfesaw  generously  said,  but  Sib  Robert  and 
Sm  Jasces  ne  diii  not  like  so  well,  because  their  opinions  were  not 
decided^  and  he  did  not  like  TacdUating  men. 

As  Mjr.  Seesaw  had  always  a  case  of  the  very  best  ctgirs  in  the 
kingitom  m  bis  pocket,  nnd  offered  them  lilwrally  to  the  young  fellows 
of  all  parties  in  the  Hoase^  he  became  speedily  acqnaintea  with  many. 


cementing  the  acquaintance  bymany  handsome  dinners  at  Greenwich, 
whither  he  invited  the  young  Whip  and  Tory  ^cntlemeu;  and,  after  q 
brief  space,  he  became  on  terms  of  friendship  with  some  of  the  young 
men's  famines,  and  his  name  might  be  seen  m  among  the  company  at 
some  of  the  most  fashionable  parties  in  London. 

It  isimpos&ible  to  say  how  keen  wos  Mb.  Seesaw's  anguish  when  he 
heard  that  Lobd  Sta}ilbt  (a  man  whose  honesty  and  admimbic  pnnrers 
as  an  orator  he  thought  could  not  be  too  highly  ^auiaedj  was  dctcnnined 
to  pnsh  his  motion  against  Lord  Palmerston  in  the  Lords.  His  own 
opinions  on  the  case  uiid  always  been  delivea-d  in  n.  perfectly  straight- 
fiirwnrd  nmnner.  No  man  co\ild  doubt  the  integrity  of  Lobd  Palueb- 
STO.v  ;  lliat  our  fellow  subjects  had  been  insulted,  robbed,  imprisoned, 
and  denied  redress  in  Greece ;  and  that  because  a  state  was  mean  and 
despicable,  that  was  no  reason  why  it  should  bully  and  rob  us.  But 
then  what  a  rogue  tliis  old  Pacifico  was?  Onght  we  to  send  fifteen 
sail  of  the  line  to  get  £150  for  his  bedstead?  Jlight  not  couciliation 
have  been  used?  and  were  the  good  otiites  of  the  Frcncli  (though  he 
must  own  thev  were  making  a  ncfiirions  gorpmmentjob  of  the  quarrel) 
to  be  rejectca?  It  was  altogether  it  lauieutahlc  alUnr,  and  the  rieht 
thing,  the  patriotic  thing,  as  lie  thought  woulil  have  been — /a  AuA  it 
nof  Nevertheless,  that  wo  had  been  insultcdj  and  gi-ossly  insulted, 
tncrc  could  be  no  question. 

On  tlje  night  of  Loan  Starlet's  speech  in  the  I^ords,  Mb.  Seesaw 

E)t  a  place,  and  after  bursting  with  Unghtcr  at  the  llitlc  incideut  of 
obxi  linououAM  turning  out  Cuevalikr  Bu.sses^  and  nujliiug  out 
and  heartily  condoling  with  his  Excelltncy,  he  listened  with  rapt 
admiration  to  Lobd  Stakley's  wonderful  oration.  Loiu)  Canm?:g's 
was  a  masterly  oration :  Lord  Aberdeen's,  he  thought,  was  needlessly 
bitter ;  and  how  ffallaally  Lobd  EDDUBmr  went  in  imd  tacltlcd  to  him '. 

The  vote  of  the  Lords,  he  said,  was  a  grave  matter,  most  pregnant 
\vith  grave  consenuenccs,  and  one  which  must  make  every  man  in 
England  think,  and  tbink  deeply. 

Mb.  Skesaw  would  gladly  have  subscribed  to  any  irrw  ''      '  nf 

Lord  Palmer-ston,  to  oe  presented  to  her  ladyship;  bui  ju 

about  high  art  were  kuowu;  no  man  wa5  fit  to  p-iint  a  gi\..i  |...  ....  of 

so  great  a  statesman  but  Mb.  Soandso,  or  Mr.  VViiATDVoucALLEie. 
It  was  to  the  painter  he  ohicctcd,  and  unless  tliey  would  Iwve  a  It  oval 
AcJidcmicixm,  he  thought  they  wero  paying  but  a  poor  oomplimeut  to 
the  wife  of  a  Minister  of  the  Crown. 

During  the  debate  in  tlie  House  of  Couuuoiw,  Seesaw  of  course  was 
in  his  place.  No  man  cheered  more  loudly  when  IiORD  Palmeeston 
made  his  noble  speech ;  no  man  was  more  delighted  when  Sia  James 
Graiiau  said  we  have  had  enough  of  nm  prtM.  Hb  thought  StB 
AViLLiAU  MoLESWOBTu's  excellent  speech  was  anauswcrabte ;  and  no 
one  was  more  astonished  and  pleased  at  Mb.  Cockburm's  fierce  assault 
upon  Sib  James  and  magninceDt  defence  of  the  Government.  Sib 
Kobert  Peel's  speech,  so  calm,  so  statesmanlike,  so  masterly  .so 
melancholy,  tilled  Seesah'  with  a  sad  admiration;  and.  at  four  o'clock 
in  the  morning,  when  he  was  going  to  say  a  few  words  himself  and  give 
his  own  views  on  tbe  question,  and  just  as  he  had  returned  from  looking 
ovpr  his  notes,  whilst  Ma.  Disbabu  was  speaking,  in  the  cool  d&snx 
before  St.  Marjnm-t's  church,  what  was  Sefsaw's  aitoiiishmpnt  to  find 
that  the  Hou.soliod  divided,  and  that  Govcmmnit  had  a  uuijurily  of  10! 

He  rushed  up  to  Lokd  Palmebstom.  '*  Heaven  bless  you,  tSir,"  lie 
said.    "  This  is  a  great  day  for  EngUnd  indeed  1 " 


Building  Glass  Oastles  in  the  Air. 

A  TTTGE  dome,  200  feet  in  diameter — which,  in  point  of  size,  is  to 
make  the  domes  of  St.  Poul'sond  St.  Peter's  and  tlie  Pantheon,  look 
like  very  small  diab  covers — is  run  up.  or  nLthcr.  is  intended  to  be  run 
up,  US  the  great  feature  of  the  proposed  Budding  for  the  Lidustrial 
Lx-hibition.  It  is  a  question,  howrvrr.  whether  this  monster  dome  can 
be  erected  in  the  short  space  of  time  allowed  for  the  construction  of  the 
whole  building.  For  ourselves,  we  have  no  hesitation  in  asserting,  that 
if  the  opening  is  made  dependent  ou  the  completion  of  this  great 
Daniel  Lambert  of  a  Dome,  the  Industrial  Exhibition  will  moat 
decidedly  never  be  opened  till  J)oom's.Da)f. 


The  Most  Liberal  Measure  of  the  Session 

It  is  said,  in  d-  f  '    '  l  very  limited  accommodation  in  the  new 

House  of  CommtM  Bahhy,  in  return  for  certain  interferences 

witli  his  plans,  nuu .....lake  on  purpose,  and  iustcwl  of  measuring 

the  bodies  of  656  members  wmply  took  the  measure  of  ihtir  imUIUct. 
Judged  by  this  new  slaodara  of  measurement,  we  arc  compelled  to  con- 
fess that  not  only  is  there  plenty  of  accommodation  in  the  new  House, 
but  that  it  is  uiuch  too  large  for  any  purpose  to  which  the  present  Par- 
liament can  possiblf  devote  it. 

LIBEBAL  FA-TBONAOB. 
We  arc  informed  that  Government  has,  with  the  greatest  liberality, 
granted  Ma.  Bright  the  use  of  Leicester  Square  for  trying,  cm  a  small 
scale,  the  cxpcrimant  of  Cultivation  of  Cotton  in  India. 


* 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


PLEASXTEE  TRIPS  OP  BROWN,  JONES,  AND  ROBINSON. 

TflE  VISIT  TO  EPSOM.— PAET  I. 


E 


Admirable  Working  of  Lord  Ashley's  Measure. 


Oh  I  I  WISH  I  KKEW  HOW  MT  DEAB  QJSX*  U  ? 


ff'ife.  Art  going  out,  Tom?" 

Eutband.  "  Yes,  La&s,  I  be  tvbi  going  oveu  to  Red  Liov  to 

HEAB  WHAT  'a  A  DODCO.  YOTJ  SEE,  SKCE  THESE  KEW  »Ai(QLED  Po«T- 
OrriCB  CHANGES,  I  CAJS*T  GET  HY  BIT  Of  A  NeWSPATEH  O'  SUNDATS 
NOW?" 


I 


'DxaaI  Dbas!  Dsas!    I  wovdeh  whithxk  Walker's  Bnx 

WAS  PAID   TESTEJJIAT." 


Stpindier  (Jog,)  "  HuKEAB  roB  the  PinuTAXS,  I  aat.    I  *te  dovi 

ZVBBT   BODY,   AND   NOW   1  'VK   A   CU-AB  I>AY*S  STABT  OF  THE    BRTTTAL 
PoUCE    and    XY    INfAMOUS    CHIOJITOBS.       VIVaT    CaXT,    KG    MONIT 

RrruRaHD." 


rUNCIL  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIART\'ARL 


J7 


JULLIEN  SEEN  IN  A  MOMENT  OF  INSPIIIATION. 

lu,  ivro  ZooloffiaU  Gordms,  arf,  nl   prescnti 
lull  of  nt traction.      There   is   the   Hippo- 
i''>tAintKt  at  the  one,   and   .li  lmkh  at  the 
llirr.     Onr  Frrnrh  OitriiEVs,  wlio  plays  to 
;iii  iiudicticc  (if  \rilil  bt-ftats  pvery  iiiglit,  muI 
lia»  tau);ht  ronn^  of  them  to  dance  the  Folka, 
fo  riilivcninar  are  his  strains,  has  IaIcIj  gome 
'     k    new  "Iiwpintion."      It    pro- 
.uk,  to  divide  the  ^niblic  ear  with 
li...  ...,.,..--.   Row  Polka,  for  it  In  in  every 

me&snre  as  noisy.  It  is  called  tlic  "  Derby 
Polka,"  but  why  Derby,  ve  oaiinot  make 
out.  It  18  true  that  JvujTy  imitates  the 
action  of  a  iockcy^  and  uses  his  l/tfton  as  a 
whip ;  and  tlmt  many  of  the  inatrutnents  run 
a  dreadful  mce  together,  to  sec  which  shall 
<oiiii'  in  first ;  ana  that  a  bell  ringa  to  an- 
"  tliat  the  fiddles  hare  started ;  and 
■liru.ir.N  drops  down  on  his  choir  as 
ail  mtimation  that  the  comef-a-phfoa  has 
won;  (ttill  so  tnnny  thini^s  arc  wautin^  to 
complete  the  picture  of  the  Dcrbv,  that  the 
Pnlka  was  (kCicicnt  in  that  stn'kins  veri- 
similitude for  wliich  all  Juixie.n's  Polkas  are 
loudly  (listin^mlshcd* 

In  otlicr  rcspc^s.  Jru-res  aets  up  to  his 
\i8ual  "  Inspimtion."  His  movemeuts.  his 
airs»  show  the  same  great  master,  and  liis  "  Fosra  Plastitjucs  "  cxliihit 
most  imposinirly  tlic  same  great  ariinie.  His  attraction  is  as  prcat  as 
ever,  ttud  he  prttuiUy  continues  Venfaai  a^U  of  the  "  Moiils  ot  Merry 
Eucland."  t^Iio  re!«>rt  in  thousands  to  tnc  Surrey  Gardens,  to  admire 
ita  beautiful  ducks. 

He  draws  fully  as  roach  as  the  Hippopotamus,  without  resorting  to 
the  same  artifices  for  catching  applause.  Besides,  the  Hippopotamii> 
has  no  moinruts  of  "  Inspirali(»n  ;  "  excepting  when  he  is  in  thr 
water,  and  then  he  is  invUihlc,  he  is  as  heavy  as  a  City  Couneibntui 
after  dinner.  He  lica  on  the  ^nnd  like  on  immense  lump  of  pi^- 
iend.  No!  there  is  no  conipanson  between  Julueh  and  his  great 
rival,  and  we  prot)hesy  that  Juluex  will  be  flourishing  his  baton  as 
mercurial  as  an  English  baronii'tpr,  rising  and  falling;  everj*  minute  of 
the  day,  when  his  iri'in  '  rd  will  not  occupy,  with  all  nis  unwieldy 

frame,  half  a  liuc  in  xv\  miy  ativcrtisement.   The  Hippopotamus 

mar  iust  at  present  kr.i  ^  i  \\x.  start^  but,  in  the  long  run,  Joluen 
nil!  DC  sure  to  leave  his  bulky  competitor  far  bctiind  him,  and  we  are 
prepared  to  take  any  odds  that  he  wins  tlie  race,  even  in  spite  of  the 
slowness  of  his  Derby  Polka.  "VVho'U  take  a  1000  to  1  on  J  dllizn 
B^nst  the  Hippopotamus  ? 


A  BLINDED  NATION. 


HouKR  woa  blind,  Tiuesias  was  blind,  Miltoh  was  blind,  Havdkl 
was  blind ;  but  there  never  was  any  cataract,  or  even  amaurosis,  cniml 
to  the  blindness  of  Prussia.  The  7i'«r«  has  already  informed  an  indig- 
nant nation,  that 

**  ri)r  Uonttan  ^QJ)^  boJf  &(rn  pro!)t'bitrtr  &])  i\z  ISoirit-Offirc 
of  lEiauistfburgt)*" 

As  there  is  no  way  for  Tune\  into  Prussia  by  the  Foet-OfBcc,  that 
unfortunate  country  may  be  c^mipared  (in  one  solitary  respect),  to  tbe 
immortal  author  of  "  Paradiae  fjoaf"  having 

"  WiadoBi  •!  0D«  entnau  quite  ifaal  out." 


A  LITTLE  SPEECH  FROM  A  LITTLE   BLUE-COAT 

BOY. 

FoRTT  bors  connected  with  Christ's  Hospital,  waited  with  a  dcputa^ 
lion  of  the  Masters  ui>on  Her  Majesty,  previous  to  the  last  Drawing- 
Room.  This  is  a  visit  wiid,  wc  believe,  every  year  when  ihc.  bow 
f..  1,  1.;.  4V.,.,>  maps,  and  cnarts,  and  drawiugs.  and  make  a  little  speech. 
(  h  hn.s  never  been  printed,  wc  are  too  happy  to  hare  it,  in 
1  ,10  give  a  verbatim  report. 

I  hi-  sj,  rrh  on  this  occasion  was  made  by  a  youth  whose  humbln 
^raii)  .iii-i\^rd  loo  plaiidy  the  lowness  of  his  condition.  He  was  dressed. 
it  is  true,  in  the  uniform  of  this  school,  hut  his  clothes  were  made  of 
such  poor  matcri:il,  that  they  l)ctrayed  the  stniggle  that  hod  oridcatly 
been  made  to  attire  him,  even  re^ix-ctahly.  His  appearance  deeply  en- 
erossed  the  symiwithy  of  Heh  Maji-stt,  who  listened  with  the  most 
lively  interest  to  every  word  of  the  following  address : — 

"  Mat  it  Please  Yomi  Majestt,— 

"  AVe  belong  to  a  School  which  was  called  by  the  ffood  Bishop 
of  Calcutta  '  the  noblest  institution  in  the  world.*  Wc  are  all  poor 
bovs;  there  li  not  a  rich  bov  amongst  us  ■  we  are,  every  hoy  of  ns,  the 
eiiililreuof  iKior  persons,  if  it  were  not  (iirt.'hrif-t's  Hospital  we  should 
receive  no  education  at  all,  for  our  p' r.  .  i^  .i.-  rnneh  loo  poor  to  educate 
us.    Wc  should  be  miming  about  lud  yetting  into  oil  5nrta 

of  mischief,  and  perhaps  turn  out  1  i  i?i,  anil  make  onr  i>arent9 

oahained  01  ns.  But  now  they  have  no  ftui  of  that  surt,— thev  know 
tlrnt  wc  are  fed  and  lodged  and  educated  all  for  nothing,  nnd  they  are 
happT  to  get  us  into  so  good  an  institutiou.     Many  rich  ;  '  v  to 

get  Ineir  soiu  into  Christ's  Hospital — which  is  a  grwit  to 

the  schnnl — but  it  will  not  do;  they  oidy  trv  in  vam, — f'o  i^ot 

be  fair,  Yovr  Majesty,  that  rich  boya  shonla  receive  the  beuelils  wliich 
were  intended  by  onr  good  King  and  Founder,  Ei>WAnT>  VT,  only  for 
*  deslitnle  orjilians' ami  poor  b^tys.    Our  Govcmor>  '  tscaout 

of  their  lives  to  give  'prtsentatious*  to  persons  whr» .  rriagM; 

but  they  lauirh  at  those  iH-nsuiw,  and  tcU  thcni  there  «i.  1-.  ..,  ..udWcst- 
jiiinster,  and  Harrow  for  those  who  have  money, — but  tint  Christ*i 
Hospital  Mas  built  and  endowed  ordy  for  those  wbo  have  no  money  for 
the  education  of  their  children.  We  arc  at  present  more  than  1200  boys 
on  the  fouiidaiion.  and  I  eon  say.  without  telling  a  fib,  Your  Ma/kstt, 
that  there  is  not  tne  son  of  a  nobleman,  or  an  alderman,  or  a  common 
coujiciliuan,  or  anything  of  that  sort,  amount  ns.  Wc  should  like  Youa 
M A jrsTT  to  come  and  sec  ns  and  get  us  a  hoTidav,  and  then  Yorn  Majkstt 
could  judge  for  yourself  whether  what  I  have  been  telling  you  is  not  tha 
tnith.  But  please  YouB.  Majesty,  Ishonld  like  you  to  come  on  a  week- 
day— I  mean  not  on  a  visiting-day ;  for  YoritMAJKSTY  mipht  think  that 
the  carriages  you  saw  then  waiting  outside,  were  the  carriapva  of  our 
fathere  and  mothers,  wliich  would  Iw  doing  a  great  injustiee  to  an 
Institution  of  which  T  am  a  regular  'Blue.  I  nope  Youn  Majesty 
will  come,  and  I  will  promise  Youb  Majesty  to  sing '  God  tare  t ha  Qneat ' 
all  the  days  of  my  life." 

The  QrEF.K  patted  the  pretty  little  yellow-stocfcmgcd  boy  on  the 
head,  and  pnuiiLsed  htm  "  she  would  be  sure  to  conic."  This  promiae  lias 
thrown  the  boys  into  the  greatest  tnmult  of  deli«ht,  bnt  the  (Invemora 
of  Christ's  Hospital  are  in  a  state  of  ievcri*%h  con:^temA^ion,  le^t  the  bi- 
stitut  ion  shmdd  not  exactly  come  up  to  the  expectation  of  Hek  M  aj  esty. 
Stniiige  to  sav,  the  key  of  the  strong  chest,  in  which  is  locked  up  the 
Charter  of  Cnrist'a  Hrapital^  tuu  the  last  few  days  been  miaaiiuf.  Wc 
only  hope  it  will  bo  forthcoming  on  the  occasion  of  the  royal  visit,  as  it 
may  idvo  Hee  Majesty  a  key,  in  more  senses  than  one.  to  tlm  real 
intentions  of  the  munifioent  ioimder  of  (his  much  IxU^Ucd  charity. 


FrorUional  Arrangements  for  the  Ballet. 

We  observe  that  the  "Pkovide.nt  Socikty  op  Dancers"  held  their 
annual  metftoiff  on  Thursday,  hut  wMsk,  in  the  saloon  of  the  Ila)Tnarket 
Theatre,  the  use  of  which  had  been  afforded  to  the  Charity  hy 
Ma.  Webster.  The  formation  of  a  Provident  Society  is  one  ot  the 
best  steps  that  we  ever  heard  of  on  the  part  of  the  Terpsichorran  body. 
The  knowledge  that  dancers  are  actnated  by  forethought  will  give  us 
additional  ple:Lsurc  in  witnessing  a  baiUf,  and  we  shall  regard  their 
bounding  movements  with  the  greater  satisfaction  from  the  consider- 
ation that  they  l<x>k  Iwfore  they  leap.  We  hope  tltit  the  Public  will  not 
bo  wanting  in  supiwrt  to  this  Association  for  providing  boiled  mutton 
in  old  age  to  those  who,  in  yoath,  hare  so  often  gratified  them  with 
citJcrs.  _ 

A  MisKiunLR  Ciuractsr.— "  1  tell  you^  Sir,  he  is  a  mean  man !  I 
really  believe.  Sir,  that  man  is  capable  of  robbing  the  toU-bo](  of  South- 
wart  Bridge!*' 


Americftn  Independence. 

TiTERE  never  was  such  a  thorough  ?|iecimen  of  natural  American 
Imlcpendenco  as  was  exliibitcd  at  the  Botanical  Gardens  in  the 
Kcgcnfs  Park,  by  the  celebrated  American  plants  which  were  adver- 
tised to  appear  in  fidl  bloom,  at  least  three  weeks  earlier  than  they 
condescended  to  show  themselves.  Kveryonc  was  asking  a  month  a^, 
how  it  was  that  tlic  American  plants  did  not  show  accordmg  to  promise 
bnt  they  obstinately  remained  sliut  up  in  their  buds,  as  if  when  looked 
for  to  blossom,  their  reply  had  been  "  If  I  do,  I  'm  blowcd." 


SOWEXniXO  VERT  stmpRistito. 

Wk  cannot  sufficiently  express  onr  surprise.    There  was  a  Protecv 

tioni.st  Meeting  n*  ^i-'-—   i '•    '''lowed  by  a  f|  "'■■■> --p     Tliero 

was  nothing  so  ■.  -  Mr  the  om-  lows  tho 

other.     But  Mr.  1  it  The  mcetiii  -  :  in*  name 

dtxs  not  appear  luuuugbt  ihu-  t|)«rJiket>.  Wc  can  ocly  ftciount  for  this 
extmonlinary  oerident  by  supposing  that  the  Hon.  M.  P.  wai  ndivelv 
cugngcd  at  the  time  pursuing  liis  new  Yooatiou.  Depend  upon  it*  he 
wwj  busy  "wool-gathering." 


Vol.  XIX.— I86t». 


"§^«i.V^^^ 


18 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  Fribhdlt  hint  to  Vousq  Ladies  who  wear  thosr     o^^ 

DSAR    DRLIOHTFL'L    UaR^GE    DRESSFS.      AlwaTS  LET    TBS 
Sup  (OR  WHATEVER  THE  MtSTERIOCS GARMENT  tSCALLED)       ' 
Bl  AS   LONO    AS  THE   OUTER    DRESS  1 


A  NIGHT  or  PLEASURE  AND  "PUOPHETE." 

Jn  a  Lttterfrom  a  Young  Man  in  Tomi  to  a  Young  Han  in  the  Country. 

"Mr  Dkar  Guss, 

"  1  THINK  by  this  time  I  have  dmjfged  you  all  over  town.  I 
have  taken  you  to  every  Kxhibition,  and  made  you  follow  me  through 
CTery  Ix)ng  Acre  of  a  Panorama,  that  is  at  present  dragging  its  slow 
length  along  the  Continental  streets  of  Ijondon.  You  must  be  tired, 
old  fellow ;  for  pleasure  arrows  tiresome,  even  when  we  have  nothing  to 
pay  for  it.  One  more  visit,  and  then  1  will  let  you  off,  for  really  this 
weather  is  getting  too  wann  for  sight-seeing. 

*'  In  idl  my  excursions  thron-^h  this  fairy  Maze  of  Wonders,  I  have 
endeavoured  to  send  you  the  feelings  with  which  1  have  enjoyed  cacli 
of  them.  I  hope  you  have  seen  them  in  the  same  light,  and  derived  as 
much  pleasure  from  the  view  as  1  have  done.  If  so,  the  manyshillini^s, 
the  pocket'fuU  of  half-guineas  1  have  expended  infoastmg  my  eyes,  have 
pcriormed  double  duty;  and  I  shall  expect  you  on  my  retuiii  to  the 
country,  to  refund  me  at  least  one-half  of  the  nandsome  little  fortune  I 
have  disn\irsed  in  prosccnting  our  mutual  cxi}edition  in  scArdi  of  pleasure. 

''This  ia  a  bargain;  and,  on  the  faith  of  it,  1  do  not  mind  taking  you 
to  the  Opera.  I'ho  cab  is  at  the  door,  so  get  nut  your  opcra-ghiss,  and 
as  vou  r^  this  letter,  put  on  a  white  neckcloth  and  a  pair  of  white 
ki(f  gloves,  and  fancy  you  arc  seated  in  the  middle  of  the  pit  of  the 
Royal  Italian  Oi)cra.  I  send  you  the  bill  and  the  book,  so  that  nothing 
may  Imj  wanting  to  help  the  delusion:  and  that  you  may  be  convinced 
at  once  that  it  is  Thuiwlay  evemng.  June  27th,  1S50.  Set  your  watch 
tii  eight  o'clock  pcecisrly,  and  the  eliami  will  be  jwrfcet. 

"  lou  are  a  lucky  fellow,  Guss  j  for  if  you  look  at  the  bill,  you  will 
sec  what  a  treat  there  is  in  store  tor  you.  It  is  the  PropkHe—mi  opera 
in  four  acts,  which  has  never  been  performed  anywhere  in  London, 
but  at  the  Italian  ()i>em  House.  1  am  no  musiciai^  you  know,  and  it 
is  fortunate  for  you  that  I  am  not.  Otherwise  now  I  might  have 
diazzled  you  with  a  grand  di.sphty  of  musical  fireworks !  I  would  ^yq 
astonished  you  with  such  a  discharge  of  ten  thousand  arp^ggii^  mixed 
with  a  ilying  shower  of  sostenalox,  and  whirling,  whizzing,  nissing, 
cracking  G  alt's,  &c.  &c.,  that  you  should  have  heard  nothing,  seen 
nothing,  and  understood  still  less.  As  it  is,  in  my  profound  ignorance 
of  musical  pjToteclmy,  I  can  only  send  you  a  poor,  dry,  catalogue  of 
my  sensations,  and  the  cfftMjt  the  Opera  produced  upon  me. 

"  The  cflFect  was  that  of  reading  a  beautiful  story,  or.  rather,  of  listen- 
isg  to  a  beautiful  story  whilst  it  was  being  read  to  me  by  some 
loved  voice.  I  seemed  to  reotl  with  my  ears.  The  interest  hc^an  at 
once :  1  was  charmed  from  the  very  first  page.  Events  rapidly  £oUowed 
events,  and  were  told  in  such  lovely  language,  that  it  bcotune  %■  pain 


when  the  lecture  ceased,  and  I  longed  for  it  to  oontinu&  so  that  the 
pleasure  might  flow  on  uninterrupt^y  to  the  end.  The  miish  of  each 
•et  was  like  ^e  mterroptioii  of  a '  bore'  that  drops  in  for  five  minutea, 
and  makes  a  black  gap  in  the  perusal  of  some  exciting  romance.  Tho 
relief  jou  feel  at  his  departure,  when  you  can  resume  your  enjoyment, 
was  the  same  I  experienced  when  the  curtain  again  rose,  ana  my  ears 
were  enabled  to  take  up  once  more  the  broken  tnread  of  the  melodious 
narrative.  The  oi^er&  was  a  long,  stirring,  musical  romance.  As  I  read 
it,  I  became  conscious  of  nothing  else.  1  knew  no  more  that  I  was  in 
the  pit  of  tliat  theatre,  than  a  sdiool-girl  who  is  secretly  reading  a  novel 
at  night  knows  that  she  is  in  bed.  M v  own  feelings  were  inteirested  in 
the  fates  of  that  poor  Fides,  who.  writning  at  her  son's  feet,  more  like  a 
worm  than  a  human  being,  lifts  ner  drooping  head,  and  nrays  with  her 
eyes  to  be  ciUshcd  sooner  than  to  be  call^  upon  to  den v  aim.  But  her 
son  is  in  danger :  a  hundred  poniards  aiG  pointed  at  nis  brcaSt,  and. 
with  a  heart  that  almost  breaks  audibly  in  your  ear,  she  shrieks  out  the 
'  No  !*  that  saves  his  life. 

"  I  am  afraid  to  go  into  extacics,  Gcss,  in  onsc  you  should  laugh  at  me, 
but.  my  dear  boy,  I  shall  never  forget  the  interest  of  tliat  scene.  No 
book  ever  chained  mc  to  its  living  pages  with  half  the  force  of  that 
terrible  contest  between  mother  and  son.  I  am  sure  my  own  existence 
ceased.  1  was  not  in  Covent  Garden  Opera,  but  in  that  same  Cathedral 
of  Munstcr,  watching  the  growing  intensity  of  the  struggle,  and  longiiu; 
to  lift  up  the  crushea  form  of  the  mother,  as  she  lay  humbled  to  death 
upon  the  pavement.  With  the  shriek  of  denial,  that  sounded  as  if  it 
had  been  wrung  by  some  iron  instrument  from  her  soul,  the  curtain  fell 
like  a  portcullis,  and  I  was  astonished  to  find  a  great  chan^l^r  of  gas 
glittermg  over  my  head.  I  was  a  prisoner  for  another  half-hour  till  the 
j  rising  of  the  curtain  set  me  at  liberty  again  to  pursue  my  delightful 
I  story.  The  conclusion  is  mournful,  like  the  conclusion  of  most  romances, 
j  but  one  passage  delighted  me  bevond  all  limits.  Fides  and  the  Prophete 
!  meet  in  the  prison  to  which  sue  has  been  condemned.  Tho  mother 
j  i>ours  her  burning  reproaelics  on  her  son's  guilty  head.  He,  so  recently 
'  triumphant,  cringes  now  before  the  just  wrath  of  his  disowned  mother, 
'and  at  last  falls  on  his  knees,  antl  with  self  reproaches  implores  her 
forgiveness.  She,  so  lately  trodden  ui>on,  now  towers  above  liini.  It 
is  her  turn  now  to  triumph,  and  she  is  aliont  to  disown  the  son  who  so 
publicly  disowned  her,  when  her  ra;:e  turns  to  pity,  and  she  only 
triumphs,  in  opening  her  arms  to  fold  him  to  her  bre:ist. 

"  Guss,  I  must  not  make  my  letter  too  long,  or  else  yon  will  never 
read  it,  and  1  should  like  you  to  read  to  the  end  of  my  stupid  rhapsodies, 
if  it  was  only  to  share  the  exquisite  enjomcnt,  the  almost  new  sensatiou 
of  pleasuTC — for  music  spoke  to  me  that  night  v^ith  almost  a  new  voice 
— I  TevcUcd  in  that  same  lliursday  evening.  Tlie  music  of  the 
Propkete  is  the  conversation  of  a  cherished  friend,  who  talks  to  enter- 
tain yon,  and  not  for  the  mere  sake  of  talking.  You  listen  unconsciously, 
are  iHcased,  charmed,  and  are  only  aware  that  it  is  music  when  the  music 
stoiM.  Here  and  there  a  prettv  expression,  a  poetical  thought  rises  to 
the  surface  of  the  conversation,  but,  generally  speaking,  the  words  fit  so 
aptly  to  the  subject  chosen,  are  so  plain  and  yet  so  expressive,  that 
you  T^'ould  feel  inclined  to  call  it  common-place  if  it  were  not  for  the 
general  feeling  of  happines  it  leaves  upon  your  mind  when  it  is  all  over. 

"  The  illustrations,  too,  of  this  beautiful  romance  arc  in  the  most 
complete  and  artistic  keeping,  as  if  nothing  shoidd  Ije  wanting  to  mar 
the  rwrfection  of  the  whole.  Never  has  Longman,  nor  Murrat,  with 
all  their  profuse  liberality^,  produced  a  book  in  all  its  details  so  gorgeous 
as  the  Prophfte.  The  Coronation  scene  would  not  disgrace  West- 
minster Abbey,  and  the  dresses  seem  as  if  they  had  been  dyed  in  one 
of  Maclise's  pictures,  so  vividly  bright  is  their  colouring. 

"  Another  act  was  added  to  the  Propkete  the  evening  I  was  present, 
Guss,  and  it  was  an  act  that  materially  heightened  the  eojoyment,  the 
witching  surprise,  of  the  whole  entert-ainment.  The  act  in  question  was 
played  by  the  audience,  if  playing  can  be  applied  to  anjlhing  so  natural, 
so  real,  and  so  unaifected.  It  was  when  the  Queen  entered  the  theatre. 
It  was  but  three  hours  after  she  had  been  attacked  by  one,  whose 
oidy  excuse  for  his  action  is,  that  he  is  insane,  and  so  has  ceased  to 
have  the  feelings  of  a  man.  Ujxin  her  entrance,  up  rose  the  whole 
theatre,  moved  by  the  same  strong  impulse,  to  ctmCTatulatc  the  Queex 
upon  tlie  happiness  of  her  escajw.  1  never  heard  such  shouting.  It 
was  the  very  madness  of  affection.  It  was  a  deafening  tumult  of  love, 
in  which  a  thousand  voices  were  trying  to  outvie  one  another  in  giving 
the  loudest  expression  to  their  sjinpatliy.  It  was  a  loyal  competition 
of  sound,  in  which  a  ihousand  hearts  were  thrown,  like  so  many  hats, 
simulfatfeously  into  the  air^  every  one  of  them  struggling  which  could 
be  thrown  the  highest.  Then  eamc  (iod  Save  the  Quren^  and  soothed 
the  angry  waters  into  something  like  a  calm  regularity  of  flow,  until 
the  surging  voices  rose  musically  together,  and  formed  one  loud  swelling 
wave  of  devotion  and  enthusiasm.  The  Queen  smiled,  and  held  out 
her  hand,  with  outstretched  wlm,  as  if  her  heart  was  inside  it ;  and,  to 
my  fancy,  it  is  the  very  best  Ball  of  State  she  can  carry  before  her.  It 
is  Ball  and  Sceptre  melted  into  one ! 

"My  paper  is  exhausted,  and  so  must  be  your  patience,  Guss;  but 
I  have  been  so  pleased,  that  I  could  not  keep  mj-sclf  within  reasonable 
bounds.    £xtend  your  usual  good-nature  to 

"  Yours  cordiallv     —   —    — 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


J9 


ALARMING    STATE  OF  THE  CROPS. 

His   Giucb   thb 

— rriKotf  ami  Con- 
^dtniial. 

"Mt  Lord  Duke. 
— I  wn  just  come 
bAck  from  a  ride 
throoffli  the  crops ; 
and  More  1  pull  my 
boots  off,  sftving 
your  presence,  I 
take  up  my  pen  to 
sav  (liry  're  drejul- 
(iil.  Nnthin*  hut 
i\m\  and  boiiknipt- 
cy  »tjinii'  in  ilic  face 
of  I  he  uiiiKTtcctfd 
fiinnrr.  ¥\n>i  for 
\vh(*ttt,  ~  \v|iy  it  's 
lirarthrciikiii'  1  'Hic 

hll-ssrd        l.VjUlNEL 
hlVM'lf   would  stATT 

In   M'l'  Mifli  pars! 
l''!,*    as   liidy  cobs 

T         ■      -■■'■-    fU     10 

i  til.  ami 

not  to  be  tlmufrbt  on  in  the  slomaclis  nf  a  bnijd  iv  . .     wil  I've 

heard  yonr  Grare  nt  nieetinfttalk  so movln'  ftboul.  Howaujucver.  tJirre 's 
the  wheat— c\cr>  ear  on  it,  bi(wer  than  ever  «ft5  whcflt  since  the  seven 
big  ears  that,  eat  up  the  seven  lattJe  uiis,  and  !  thin'  o' 

the  sort  i«n't  pnin  to  happen  now,  thAt  s  all.  '  .nation 

prices.  'Hie  wheat  'a  iu  itic  most  aggmwatiii  ^'«l'  i  ■  >"  •  it ;  uikI 
ever)'  step  I've  been  oU  the  ears  seenud  wapffin*  their  head.s  nt  me, 
Mrey  lite,  as  much  as  to  say — '  Old  impertpctca  fcUer !  Look  at  iis ! 
Wc  ahnll  be  down  at  20*.  oforc  September !  * 

"  Then  I  don't  know  what 's  come  to  the  fields,  tbey  V  cleaner  thxui 
ever  I  seed  *em.  As  for  the  like  of  poppies  th-t'  '  Innrisb  lunong 
the  com.  like  slondhi'  armiea  in  time  o'  pea/  ■  'her  it  s  the 

talk  o*  tiiat  chap  Cobden  or  no,  I  can't  say— lui  ....>.  ...urdly  a  poppy 
or  %  weed  to  be  seen.  Wonderful !  and  the  straw  as  thick  as  bidnlshes ! 
AVhol  ifi//  become  of  us  P 

"  1  *rc  hardly  the  heart  to  po  on— but  only  think  of  barley !  Why, 
if  strong  beer  isn't  twopence  a  pot  afore  October,  bhune  the  brewers, 
that  '8  aU !  Bjirlevcoms  muatn  t  no  longer  be  a  measure ;  for  I  'm 
blessed  if  everv  Kirleyconi  of  itself,  in  these  parta.  i-w't  an  inch  !  And 
then  the  straw,— like  crow-bare!  And  the  beard— (when  it's  ripe)— 
like  any  brass  wire  !    Wliat  Mkatl  wc  do  ? 

"OaU.  There,  a^n!  They  won't  be  worth  the  reapin*— there 'U 
be  snch  a  glut  o'  oats,  the  vert  nam-door  fowl  mil  tuni  up  their  noses 
at  'cm.  Aa  for  ossea,  oats  will  be  quite  drujra  to  "em  !  1  ncy  'U  be  so 
chcjip  that— our  xciseman  .■wiys— all  Lnnnnn  will  be  overrun  with  cabs 
and  bus(*?,  drivin' jpcople  for  nothin'  and  iwuin'  'em  with  a  lx)rtle  o' 
wine  apiece  at  their  own  doors.  If  onls  climb  up  to  8^.  a  quarter  arter 
AuKUst.  I  'm  not  a  injorcd  British  fiirnier,  that 's  all.  Only  tliiuk  on  it 
my  lord  Duke !  Oat3  at  8*.  a  qimrtcr  i  Pretty  gruel,  eh,  for  Joun  Bull  ! 

•*  Well,  your  grace,  I  '11  try  to  go  on— W  bcaus  driyes  me  mad. 
They  *rc  not  beans,— but  monsters— unimt'ral  bcaas ;  for  siie  more  like 
shetm's  kidnics  than  honest  English,  prowrly  pertected  beans.  Beasts 
must  be  made  with  bipper  throats  to  swzuler  'em.  thtit's  all  1  know, 

"  And  then  for  clover !  Why,  I  'tc  seen  a  stalk  of  clover  that,  savin* 
your  Grace's  presence  as  the  fanner's  friend,  I  eould  knock  you  down 
with.  Howsomever,  all  I  'U  aay  is  this— if  this  weather's  pom'  to  go 
on,  the  sooner  the  sea  roUs  over  Old  Buglood  the  better.  Notliin*  can 
stand  against  the  barrest  that's  likelv  to  follcr. 

"  My  Lord  Duke,  I  shall  close  witD  turnips.  As  if  everything  was  to 
be  a  pieoc  this  harvest,  the  turnips  is  cnonnou.s.  I  hear  tliat  His  Hi'jYAL 
Uitiuvxas  FRDfCE  Albert  is  goiu'  to  have  a  doom  for  the  show-booth 
of  1851,  a  doom  as  bi^  as  St.  Paul's,  of  iron  in  f^heets.  Well,  if  I  haven't 
aeen  a  turnip — a  bit  o'  EI^;li^h  Industry  as  it's  called— that  ud  do  for 
that  doom,  I  *m  not  your  Grace's  Humble  Servant,, 


"  A  Rnined,  Broken-Ucarled,  Unpertccted  Farmer, 

"JoHH  Gammon." 

(And  between  ourselves,  sarin' TOUT  grace.)    Ihcaj-  that  Jim 
II  is  pain*  to  (rive  up  Pigschcek  Farm.    1  hone  your  Grace  will 
the  refusal  on  it.    En^nd  is  goin'  to  ruin  I  know,  but  for  that 
a  man  and  a  unpertectcd  fanner — i  think  it*t»  no  more  than 
my  duty  to  stick  hy  her. 

"pp    .V.-.   o,   f    ,..,.1,,...  .....  ^:«»..- „i^.,  .v,,,y4^.(  tt,,..»  t,.ii   .„^  K, 

the  Sil-i 

box.     >■  ,  '       .  •  .. 

Slate  of  (he  (Jrui»  liae  l>nni;{iil  }-mir  St-rvaui  tuctiiuiiuitul." 


A  VERY  BRAZEN  "TRUMPET." 

Tire  Moruinff  Tntmpei—KAy  its  volume  never  be  less!— ia  the  ac- 
knowledged cheriabed  ornn  of  the  candid  souls  that,  for  a  time,  havn 
chiecd  the  Sunday  Post  OlRoe;  and  for  the  immortal  henith  nnd  safety 
of  Sabbath  readers  of  newspapers.  Iiavc  T    i      ■  -,  ^SW. 

Uttor,  Sunday  ^"'^a  ^^^"'^''"^'''^  .\nr»,  Ate..  :  <,5i  ou 

the  seventh  day.    There  <■■■  ' Vubl  Uiiu  -      f 

Sunday  Imve  the  very  1^'  ^ ;  e^o.  no  li 

Tncaning.  but  rather  viol*  i     ;     ;        vlio  oncu  uj  ^  ,         i 

kind  in  Smithficld.  Tliere  i.s  therefurc.  a  sort  ol  lx!5L  mlcutioii,  whicli 
it  is  the  duly  of  the  .M*lecled  victim  of  well  mcnTnu?  cnme*tncs«  to 
knock  dovrn,  get  rid  of,  in  the  ^hortl   '        '  ",. 

Where  best  intention  will  put  his  w.. 

the  more  vigorously  the  said  nose  i '\ 

Best  intention  has,  for  a  time,  closed  (he  > 

\vlu;n  his  imi»crtineuoe  issuJlieiently  felt— .1 

i.i  f:Lst  5prc;t ding- best  intention  will  be  bciuud  over,  Ukti  u  common 

bniwler,  to  keep  the  peacft. 

But  how  ),' '  ■  •  ''  \'—  -  -  f^.-j^-t  (ijijij.  newsimjKT?  For  mnnthi 
past  has  the  r  Post  ( )niec  to  .Mirrendcr.     Well. 

tliorc  ia  now  I]  .;  >imduy  ix)6t.     la  there  to  ctiutinue  a 

di-seeraliou  of  the  buudav  printinp-oUiee  ?     Does  the  Mnniinff  Tnauprt 
continue  in  it.'*  olden  way?    And  if  so.  h"W  h»^  it  tiie  brass  on  Monday 
"^  '  "■•  of  LfiHi)  Ashley,  Mk.ssils. 

;in  pilhm  of  jwrphj  ry  ?  Two 


murninicrs  to  apiiear  at  the  br> 

Prr«ni(i:,  Xt:WDKGATK,  and 

qi"  -' ^     '  ''ly  two — i'»  ''■■'    ' 

1  I    Ml  for  lit' 

tl.t  i:nj\m  ojuMi 

^ijl  utieiid,  wendiiig^  lluur  Wii> 
for  eveidii|i;  scniwf,  to  wurk 
IVumpri^  or — 

Is  the  olnce  closed  unlU  Smiday  uuibii;iht,  and  a  double,  treble  staff 
of  printers  eiura^ed,  60  that  no  sincl"  'i^-  n-iygo  to  form  a  sinful 
syllable — ^inful.  if  init  toother  on  t!i 

How  can  the  JIorHin/j  Trumpet  K;  iituig  blast  agninst  the 

Sunday  postman,  yet  still  employ  the  buuday  pruitccP 


rtrc  the  office-doors  of 

i:ing?    Do  compositors 

lowu'tU  Sliur  Lauc,  as  the  bells  ring 

out   the   Sabbath  for  the  Monday's 


A  HINT  TO  JOHN  BULL. 


Takk  care  of  your  pockets,  John  Bili^  Jomr  Buii^ 

Take  eare  of  your  nockcts,  Jons  BrLL; 
An  opinion  jireviuls  tliat  if  Alhkbt'h  Show  fails. 

On  your  purse  there  will  be  a  slight  piiil, 
John  BrLL, 

Tbe  subscription  not  being  quite  full. 

Encourage  your  Pbincb,  Johx  Bull.  John  Bpll, 

Encourage  your  PitiNt  ■^'  .''"v  Hn.L; 
Ilia  intent  and  design  l.<  tiuc. 

It  were  pity  the  schei.  >  , 

John  Bttl^ 

Let  us  hope  it  won't  end  in  a  mull. 

But  ere  you  cash  up.  John  Bull,  Jouif  Buli^ 

But  ere  you  cash  up,  .Tohn  Bull; 
Grt  a  plcdffc— don't  lie  foiled— that  Hyde  Park  shan't  be  spoiled, 

Ando'errun  by  tramp,  vagrant,  and  tndl: 
Jonn  Buij^ 

You  magnificent  jolly  old  gull. 


£x-King  Budflon  at  Sunderland. 

Hls  late  Maiestvtook  the  chair  at  Snnderland  on  the  opening  of 
the  Docks.  His  health  was  drunk,  nnd— with  much  emotion— he 
returned  thanks.  As  the  late  jxjlentate  slowly  rose  it  is  said  be  looked 
very  like  Kean  in  Sir  Gil^  Optrrtach^  when  he  saia — 

"  fVitn«  ondODA  widow  iJta  apon  rolne  ftna  I 
Mr  »word  to  Ui'  Mkbhiird  'a  gliMsJ  by  urphin*'  team ! " 


Mr.  Hudson,  however,  returned  grateful  acknowledgments.  He  said 
witli  overflowing  heart,  "  when  he  forsT'it  SuMierknd,  might  his  riglit 
hand  forget  its  cunning!"    If  Mi    )'  ht  hand  be  the  tiond 

with  which  he  signed  railway  ( '  _   things  comfortable," 

the  amount  of  cuuuing  to  be  iw.cwU,..,  <.j  ilial  member  mast  bo 
prodigious.  * 


ti,«  yi.,.,1  n. 


I  ''V  pin*  par m  qq¥*. 


A   NATIONAL  PAHTT. 


fhors  to  Sciutir,  there 

at  laiit  ejieJiii tiled, 

n'ji  a  qm'mn  FT.i>/rni* 


I 


I 


I 

i 


THE  DIARY  OF  THB  HIPPOPOTAMUS. 


An  nmnf  of  our  country  readers  naluTaUx  fed  uuiouA  to  know  how 
the  H)pp(not«ma»  |»$Be8  liis  time  in  m  elnngc  land,  where  he  is  so  far 
«wji>  from  Dome  m  aD  his  reUtioiui,  we  hare  gone  to  the  expense  of  pro- 

f.,^.,.. .  ii  «  /,ju-.i.,«  •-rticalars,  which  are  now  printed  for  tDe  first  time. 
'  t»  np  gencmlly  about  sii.    Tlie  first  thine  he 
d"<  ii;  tnen  gruntfi,  noddiiij?  lu.i  head  all  the  wnile 

Ut  thi:  Aritliuiit,  witiilt  in  his  pcctuiar  method  of  fta)'ing  "  Good  morning!" 
At  Kcvcn  lin  hiu  a  |ibil  of  porrid^  and  matie,  wliich  he  prdTers  to  tea  or 
cnftfc.  After  that  he  waahca  his  hutds — wc  mean  his  feet — in  the  tank 
whidi  IB  put  ill  his  rotjm  as  his  wash  hand -basin.  He  sleeps  till  ten, 
whin  Iir  il]^I<^  r.iit  lu  roocivc  ttiD  niuncroiis  oompSAjT  that  is  always 
^«  Ho  takes  several  ruonds  in  the  park  tliot  is  attached 

t"  -*•,  bowinsr  to  his  jrmts  politely  as  he  noaaea  aiou. 

y\  <  I  test  patch  of  sand  he  can  pick 

oi  like  au  immense  ball  of  tndia- 

)'i  I'  i.ii-ij  wakes  nptill  the  biter  part  of 

1I  if.  is  to  run  and  tap  at  the  door  of  the 

i>-    '  I    next  Ttjfun  to  him.    lliis  act  of  civility 

ovrr,   li'  1  IjnUi,  winch  M)melimcs  luts  two  or  three  hours. 

tJiinn^  '  ry  hltlo  more  thaji  his  nwtrils  are  visible  above  the 

wnU'r.  lut:  1)1.  L  ifl,  Ihi-  llii)i)0|»(itttmiia  is  of  a  modest,  retiring  dis- 
IKinilion.  and  lilti*.*  1o  liidr  hiiiiwlf  m  much  as  possible  from  the  publie 
cyti.  At  rix  o'HorW  he.  Iravrs  liis  Imth  and  retires  to  his  bed-n)om.  lie 
jKvrr  htTs  any  oik;  iiftir  r>'\x.  A  »in;Jl  huckcl  of  porridge  and  miiizc,  of 
wiiicli  lie  in  arnazinKly  fond,  is  brought  to  Itis  bedside  and  the  Arab  1>ot 
fr<*ds  bini  with  a  Bi>fHm.  After  this  he  (rciinrnlly  frcls  very  sleepy,  and 
Una  down.  Hl*  lays  his  head  on  the  Arnb's  lap,  and,  throwing  his  legs 
round  his  nock,  is  very  quickly  m  Ibc  arms  of  Monmrua, 

Proper  Hnmea  for  Litignnta, 

LwT  wock  there  ruino  Ufnrr  tli«  Judiclid  Committee  of  the  Privy 

iCouneil,  an  appeal  fnjin  tlu^  Suprrmc  Court  of  Judicature  at  Bombay, 

^'-fcian  wtinn  to  whirh  tlifi  ]iartir«  wrir«   DoLUBDAsa  PrTTEKBiEEDAsa 

4^     '  '■  r  I  uvsfi  AND  Otukilv     Thc  rc- 

II'  ''-III  Kfnlli^men  may  provoke  a 

..  ullt'Clion;  namely,  that  i)ropU' 
wlio  K"  t"  li«  '  munh  ftAWS  as  Dolubpa58,  Pet- 

ir.vttr.iu>'Ui'«  I  ^x. 


LINES  TO  HENKY  BROUGHAM  ON  HAVING  BEEN  GOOD, 


How  much  more  pleasant  'tis  to  pnuse 

Than  to  rebuke  or  blame ; 
We  'd  rather  say  "  Well  done ! "  than  raise 

The  cry  of  "  Fie,  for  shame !  ** 

For  instance,  now,  when  Hzxbt  's  good 

It  always  gives  us  joy — 
How  mucn  we  wish  he  never  would 

Act  like  a  naughty  boy ! 

And  Heset  has  been  good  and  brave, 

A  check  to  try  snd  put 
On  Mawwonns  who,  on  Sunday,  have 

Our  letter-boxes  shut. 

Thus  to  behave  is  prettier 

Than  being,  even  in  fun. 
Rude  to  a  foreign  Minister, 

Or  rude  to  any  one. 


WATfTBti. — BoAKD  ANT)  LoDoniG  for  the  CTTat  buildinjT  for  the  Exhi- 
bition of  InduJilrjf  of  1851.  Proposals  sjxcilying  tcmis^  cither  for  a  per- 
manener  or  a  limited  period,  to  be  sent  in  to  the  Commis^ionenj  Wliite- 
hall.     N.B.  Iretiuid  need  not  ^]ply. 


PUNCH  TO  THE  WORLD  ! ! 

7%a  read^rr  «  reMpectfuUy  requested  to  mmatH  eatm  whiU  penuinff  tAe 
foitowing  merelff  prtlimimirft  a*iuiUHrtinent  of  a/$  iiiUnded  EXTliA 
SVMIiKR^  vkirh  ha»  bf^n  for  »omfi  time  in  prrparadvn^  and  mii  be 
publuhed  during  the  month.  It  ts  felt  necessary  to  breitk  Ojf  degrf**  the 
particular*  qf  thit  itartii»ff  fart.  Ife  do  not  at  prttcH  feel  ottr^elre^ 
justified  in  going  furthr  iMto  detail^  but  tee  simptj/  intimate  to  ereryhodj/ 
the  nereuit^  of  ret/raining  Au  curiotitjf  and  oreparing  Ml  ihretpen^,  unitl 
it  map  be  deemetf  expedient  for  •«  to  tatisfp  the  fornur  end  rteeiw  tia 
latter. 


PUNCH.  OR  TIIK  LONDON  CHAniVARI. 


21 


II    ii 


;ii 


"^ 


l^ 


Them,  Baby  deab,  look  at  tus  rosTTi  Soldiers  1 ' 


A    BIT    OF     MY     MIND. 


BIT  THE  ELEVENTH. 

KU.  KOUSEE  SUG0£8TS  A  DOUESTIC   IMPltOVEIC^NT    AS  EEGARDS  THE 
EXHIBITION   Of   1831. 

He.  Fchcu,— At  Uiis  minuU  I  write  in  deepest  darkness.  Whether 
Hyde  Park,  as  Mn.  Mousee  sava,  is  to  be  roofed  in  as  a  brick  tenement^ 
or  whether  tbe  world's  to  meet  in  Batterseu  Fields,  is  nt  tlic  moment  I 
hold  inv  qaili  in  the  bosoms  of  the  Fates.  Destiny,  no  doubt,  has  alrrady 
taken  ncr  measures;  and  all  we  have  to  do  is  to  sit  quiet,  hke  Patience 
oa  her  monument,  and  wait  for  'em.  Though,  if  I  may  be  allowed,  as  a 
fragment  of  the  female  public,  to  rive  my  mind  upon  the  matter,  [  would 
emftinly  object  to  what  Mna.  lluEyBLOWEB  calls  the  desecration  of 
Hyde  Park  by  bricks  and  mortar,  and  with  'em  no  end  of  chimneys. 
To  be  sure,  I  'm  told  that  there's  to  l>e  an  Act  of  Parliament  to  compel 
the  chimneys,  for  the  sake  of  the  herbage  and  the  tree^,  to  digest 
their  own  smoke, — but  I  've  no  faith  in  'em.  It 's  all  very  well  to  talk 
about  Aphrodite  coals;  but  there  can  be  no  Aphrodite  without  fire, — 
and  no  nre  vithout  smoke.  But  this  is  not  the  grist  of  my  present 
writing. 

What  I  bum  to  make  public  is  this.  Wienevcr  the  Exhibition  may 
be  opened — and  whatever  it  may  hare  to  show,  from  a  pieoe  of  the  walls 
of  china,  to  snow-balls  from  the  North  Pole — the  whole  business  will 
be  a  mucking-bird,  an  illusion  and  a  snare,  if  conducted  wholly  and 
solely  by  the  monopolist*,  as  I  am  Imld  to  call  'cm,  of  the  creation, — 
need  I  observe,  mere  men  ?  Unless  the  mind  of  woman  sets  her  mark 
upon  the  show,  it  will  be  nothing  more  than  a  big,  selfiih  bachelors' 
party  of  all  the  worid ;  or,  what 's  the  same  thing,  a  Club  House  of  the 
Ix)rds  of  the  Creation  Cos  they  give  the  nobility  to  themselves),  with 
the  Ladies  stopping  at  home.  A  proposal,  throbbing  at  the  heart  of 
your  bumble  servant,  carri<»l  out  at  the  fullest  extent,  would  make  a 
very  dilTercnt  thing  of  it. 

Mh.  HoBJfBLOwzR — {I  dislike  the  man,  for  I  never  know — or  rather 
I  do  know,  too  well — when  Modsek  goes  out  with  liiiri,  to^n  he  '11  come 
back)— Ma.  Uornbi/)W£b,  the  other  night  droppimj  in,  and  aa  usual 
all  over  tobaooo  smoke,  remarked  that  the  whole  world  would  be  packing 
up  its  carpet  bog  by  next  Auril, directed  "London:*'  men  from  the 
Mountains  of  the  Moon,  Timonctoo,  and  the  Beginning  of  the  Nile. 
"  There  '11  be  a  patteru-book  of  colours  '* — (Me.  H.  is  a  tailor  in  a  great 
way,  and  inventor  of  the  Butterfly  Paletot,  though  he  might,  as  f  say, 
leave  his  shop  at  home  when  he  comes  into  other  people's  drawing- 
roumn;  especially,  who  are  not  tailors) — "  a  pattern-book  of  colours  of 
all  the  men  in  the  world."  "And  why  uoL"  said  1,  "of  the  women 
too?  How,  in  an  Eihibition  of  all  the  world,  can  the  women  be  left 
out?  Why,  without  *cm," — said  I,  for  I  felt  my  blood  rising;  and 
if  X  hadn't  felt  it,  I  could  have  seen  it  in  MousEX*fl  looks,  who,  when 
]  've  my  heart  at  my  lips,  too  often  likes  to  frown  it  luick  again — 
*'  without  'em/'  said  I,  not  secmiiig  to  see  Movsbb,  "  without  'em,  the 


great  globe  itself,  as  somebody  oaUs  it,  would  be  only  like  a  plum- 
pudding  cut  in  half;  and  I  won't  say — or  I  could — wuioh  half  is  the 
richest  and  the  best,  with  most  of  the  fruit  and  spice  in  it.  Why  not 
all  the  women,  too  »  "  I  repeated  in  a  voice  that,  1  could  sec  it,  mther 
astonished  Mr.  Uornbloweu ;  "if  we  arc  to  have  the  Lords  of  the 
Mountains  of  the  Moon,  why  not  the  Ladies  of  tbe  Moon  too  ?  If  Uie 
Geeat  Cham  's  to  come,  as  Mouseh  calls  him,  why  not  the  Geeat 
CuAlTEsa  P  Are  we  always  to  bo  left  at  home  at  gida  times ;  thrown 
into  a  comer  like  every  ^laydothrs,  as  if  we  weren't  good  and  handsome 
cuoiLgh  to  he  worn  on  holidays  ?  " 

Well,  Mr.  J^Mtu-h,  this  question— which  Mr.  Houkblower  couldn't 
answer,  and  therefore,  in  a  mean  way,  he  shifted  his  ground,  as  1  iiflcr- 
wards  heard,  to  some  tavern ;  taking,  of  course,  Moiisee  with  him — this 
question  remaining,  I  may  say,  in  my  mind,  went  to  bed  with  me; 
and  the  consequence  was,  one  of  the  sweetest  dmuns  that  ever  came  to 
anybody  in  the  world  upon  goose-feathers.  All  the  sweeter  and  prettier 
too,  because  it  con  be  carriea  out  when  tlie  world 's  wide-awake ;  there 
being  nothing  in  it  tlmt  isn't  as  plain  as  pancakes.    Which  ia  this  : 

loreamt  that  the  Exhibition,  which  wasn't  in  Hyde  Park  after  all, 
though,  being  awake,  1  can't  bo  sworn  where — was,  as  it  ought  to  Ije,  a 
paUoe  of  very  crystal,  the  sky  looking  through  every  bit  of  the  roof  upon 
all  nations  under  it.  And  the  nations,  Mr.runch^  were  in  uiy  dream, 
as  they  should  be,  not  represented  by  halves,  but  men  and  wives  com- 
plete. Here  and  there  il  was  like  a  tulip-bod  with  beaut iftd  creatures 
of  all  colours,  from  the  lily-white  Circassian — (though,  after  all,  none 
of  'em  came  up  to  tbe  Ked  and  White  Roses  of  England,  as  I  'm  bold 
to  call  myself  and  country-women,) — to  the  tawny  Cherokee.  And 
there  they  were,  some  of  'em  with  their  children  Utile  and  big.  sprinkled 
about — among  the  goods  of  All  Nations — the  Chinese  lady  on  her 
chest  of  gunpowder — the  Turkish  with  orize  rhubarb— the  woman 
from  the  Smowiches  with  graas  baskets— the  Russian  bidy  with  black 
fur  boas — the  maidens  of  Cachcmirc  with  such  loves  of  shawls,  liko 
being  wrapped  in  Paradise — the  Persian  Sultacess  with  otto  of  rosea 
—ana  a  icaT American  lady  from  California  with  necklaces  of  gold-dust 
and  virgin  ear-rings  to  match. 

It  may  be  said,  this  is  all  very  well  in  a  dream.  But  why,  I  ask— as 
I  asked  of  MorsER  when  I  woke— why  shouldn't  it  be  carried  out  in 
broad  dayliaht?  Why,  when  the  Chinaman  tea-dcalcr  comes  to  Hyde 
Park  himself— supposing  it  to  be  Il^de  Park— why  should  his  poor  wife, 
with  crushed  foot  and  broken  spirit,  be  left  at  Peldn  at  home  ?  II 
we  *re  to  have  Russian  merclmuts  with  their  beards,  why  not  their 
wives  with  tlieir  boa&?  If  w;e  've  a  Cachemire  man  in  a  turban,  why 
and  wherefore  not  a  Cachemire  maid  in  a  shawl?  Without  the  other 
and  superior  sex.  ns  I  insist  on  calling  them,  it  will  be  an  Exhibition  of  all 
tbe  World  bv  halves  and  the  worst  halves  too,  os  I  needn't  insist  upon- 

Besides,  if  the  Exhibition's  to  be  only  earned  out  with  men,  what  it 
pretends  to  go  for  will  go  for  nolhmg;.    "  The  Show,**  says  Mouamc 

will  tighten  the  bonds  of  peace ;  will  draw  people  across  seas  and 
mountains  close  to  one  another."  I  don't  believe  a  bit  of  it,  if  the 
women  of  all  nations  are  to  be  kept  at  houie.  Let  'em  all  conic  witli 
their  fathers,  husbands,  and  sweethearts — let  na  have  a  great  Petticoat 
Meeting  of  all  the  World,  when  the  Exliibiiion  's  done— and  then,  if  wc 
don't  bmd  the  world  over  to  keep  the  peace ;  if  we  do  not  send  gun- 
powder out  of  fashion:  and  pluck  all  the  nnnics  of  the  earth  of  their 
feathers  like  geese  at  Michaelmas— don't  let  us  ever  open  our  mouths 
again,  that 's  all ;  and  I  can't  say  more. 

Poor  women  arc  never  more  scandalised  in  one  earlldy  thing  tlmn  in 
this— they  are  snubbed  with  admiring  soldiers.  To  love  the  tine 
clothes— the  gold  lace— the  fluttering  feathers— the  flags  of  sUk  and 
'broidery  that  flap  so  proud  in  the  wmd :  thev  are  said  to  dote  upon 
the  colour  of  red ;  an(^  quite  the  reverse  of  turkeys,  to  run  after  it  with 
pleasure  and  happiticbs.  Mr.  Pttnch,  this  is  only  one  of  the  hundreds 
tif  mmianly  \-ulpar  errors  that  the  other  sex  invent  against  us.  Uivi'  us 
our  meeting  of  the  liadies  of  Ail  Nations  at  the  Exhibition  th.it 's 
commg ;  and,  if  wc  don't  moke  all  the  world  embrace  in  peace  and 
quietness,  never  again  put  (aith 

In  yours,  most  faithfully^ 

TJU  Ilofu^suckUt,  Amelia  Mocser. 

P.  S.  The  Nenaulese  Ambassador  reads  Punek.  It  is  transkted  for 
him,  MouSEE  telb  me,  with  his  mommg's  curry,  bv  the  young  man  who, 
for  the  last  two  or  three  years,  swept  the  Cheapsida  crossing  Will  voti, 
then,  beg  of  his  Excellency,  the  N.  A.,  not  to  go  about  as  he  does  from 
party  to  party  with  those  aggravating  emeralds — those  heart-breaking 
diamonds  ?  Even  l>uches5es— as  I  say  to  Mocseb,  who,  upon  mv 
word,  I  don't  tliink  quite  believes  me— Duchesses  arc  out  mortal  ficsn 
and  blood ;  and  it  isn't  in  either  one  or  t'other  to  sec  thnt  showxr  of 
diamonds  on  one  cap— and  that  cap  a  man's ;  foTj  after  all.  except  for 
a  riuff,  or  perhaps  a  shirt  stud,  men  have  no  busmess  with  diamonds, 
which,  in  my  opinion,  were  created  for  women  only— it  isn't  in  mortal 
flesh  to  see  those  precious  jewels,  and  always  to  know  what  to  do  with 

one's  fingers.    It  was  only  last  week  that  at  tbe fete.  I  was  CTOwdfid 

very  close  to  Juoout  Jum,  and  upon  my  word — for  we  re  wonderfiiUy 
made— looking  at  his  diamonds,  with  the  lips  of  my  fingers  tingling, 
I  did  feel  myself,  whether  1  would  or  not,  abnost  getting— as  MouMB 
says— very  near  the  OM  Bwlcy. 


22 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


^.v«ffU-j3Tfl-r=* 


zz^l- 


TA»  iimpU  Det%gnfar  (he  proposed  Buiiding  in  Hyde  Park  u  humbly  tubmitted  by 

Tbi  Abchusct. 


WHAT  MAY,  OR  MAY  NOT.  BE  EXHIBITED 
IN  MAY.  1861. 

ToERB  are  various  wholesome  *'  conditions  and  liniita* 
tiona  "  proposed  for  the  great  Exposition  of  1851,  and. 
sonong  other*,  thfrc  ia  a  clause  declaring  that  "all 
spirits,  wines,  and  fennentcd  liquors,  umes*  derived 
from  unusual  sources,  are  inadmissible."  We  think 
there  x^HU  hf*  sonic  diihculty  in  acting  opoa  tliis  pro- 
vision, ami  that  many  illicit  distiliera,  Wllo  "do  tlieir 
spiriting  geutly"  in  a  back  attic,  raa/  chiim  to  eihibit 
tneir  productions  as  havinp:  been  derived  from  unusual 
fiourcea.  We  can  scarcely,  perhaps,  regard  the  Cham* 
tiagne  yielded  l)y  the  too  ceiierous  gooseberry  as  coming 
from  an  "unusual  source,"  for,  alas!  the  tranaition 
from  the  gooseberry  bush  to  the  Champagne  bottle  is 
only  too  natural.  Our  Port  wine,  too,  must  for  the 
same  reason  bo  shut  out,  inasmuch  as,  although  Oporto, 
as  far  as  its  vrinc- producing  purpohca  are  conccmed, 
may  be  looked  for  u\  the  map  of  Loudon,  ^till  tliis 
does  not  constitute  an  "  unusual  source,"  as  the  fact  ia 
that  most  of  our  Tori  is  made  at  home  by  a  sloe, 
but  by  no  means  uncommon  process. 


CONTBAKY  TO   OOUMONS    SEKSB. 

Really  Lord  John  Rcssell  ought  to  take  the  sense 
of  the  House  of  Commous  resi>ecting  the  propriety  of  con- 
tinuing the  present  Sunday  arrangremcnts  in  the  Post- 
Offices.  We  have  auffi^reii  tjuito  enough  by  this  time  from 
the  non-sense  of  the  House  in  regard  to  that  matter. 


THE  TERRORS  OF  THE  THAMES. 

It  is  alarming  to  contemplate  how  many  inhabitants  of  London  are 
auuuully  drinking  themselves  to  death  by  imbibing  the  vater  of  the 
Thames.  We  have  given  to  a  certain  spirit  the  name  of  fl^wtf  riV*, 
and  in  distim.'fiouwe  should  bestow  on  the  river  the  title  of  a^aa  m<prii9 
for  Hi  "t  fortix  is  of  a  more  destructive  nature  than  the  stuff 

whii  i  ugh  our  cistems  iiito  our  urus.  which  might  properly 

be  tct ....  a  .uu,.narums  from  their  devotion  to  deadly  purposes.  There 
are  manv  more  who  fina  a  water>'  grnvc  than  those  who  come  to  their 
end  by  drowning.  We  have  heard  that  water  will  always  find  its  level, 
but  if  the  Thames  water  found  its  proper  level  it  would  be  banished 
from  all  decent  society.  Let  any  one  who  delights  in  Hambles  by 
Rivers,  take  a  stroll  along  the  hanks  of  the  Thames  between  Limehouse 
and  Battcrsca.  He  would,  after  goiner  a  yar<l  or  two,  find  himself  up 
to  his  kuees  iu  slush — th(f  sort  of  Black  Death  which  we  are  diiily 
drinking — and  though  every  step  would  udd  mud.  there  would  be 
notiiing  to  ad-niirc.  Let  him  watch  the  juvenile  butliers  on  tlie  bunks, 
and  he  will  fancy  himself  just  arrived  on  a  foreign  shore,  whose  natives 
aie  ncLToea  up  to  their  knees,  while  from  the  legs  upwards  ihey  belong 
to  A  white  population. 

If  we  did  not  happen  to  know  the  source  of  the  Thames,  we  should 
imn^nc  it  was  an  arm  of  the  Black  Sea,  or  a  leg:  (>f  the  Ni^r,  or  a 
black  eye  of  old  futher  NBPTinn!.  It  is  said  that  everyone,  on  an 
average,  cats  in  his  lifetime  a  peck  of  dirt,  but  we  are  convinced  that 
every  one  who  drinks  Thames  water  consumes  his  peck  of  dirt  in  a 
week  or  two. 

It  docs  not  rKjuire  much  knowledge  of  chemistry  to  analyse  the 
contents  of  the  river,  for  a  mere  glance  of  the  eye  will  satisfy  the  fiisual 
observer  ttut  the  Tnamea  holds  m  solution  a  considerable  Quantity  of 
dead  canine,  as  well  aa  feline,  and  other  animid  matter,  together  nith  a 
■ti'ung  infusion  of  cabbage-leaves  and  miscellaneous  vegetable  refuse, 
with  iJie  voluntary  contributions  of  the  various  sewera  of  tne  metropolis. 
Now  tlmt  the  eyes  of  the  pubUc  are  opened  to  the  state  of  the  Tbamcs, 
we  wonder  that  their  mouths  arc  not  peremptorily  shut  against  it. 


FASHION  FOR  COQUETTES. 
In  the  "  Fashions  for  July,"  Le  FollH  makes  the  statement  that — 

**  For  %  jowi%  nwnied  lady  who  aiXy  gooj  oat  In  bor  c«itU(:«,  and  U  prarerMal  fbr 
eoqeetiT.  ■  vploodld  nntoM  of  iky-blDA  uObui,  «Dbrold«red  In  booiueU  oT  hmm,  «/ 
vtitt«  AoM  flilk.  and  trfamad  wttii  two  OonttcM  of  pol&t  d'Anglfitam',  with  *  butdv 
ntolia  oC  bluo  rtbboa,  ia  nov  biing  prapomL" 

A  rather  simpler  costume  than  this,  we  should  (bhdc,  would  be  appro- 
priate to  the  young  married  lady  who  is  proverbial  for  coquetry,  as  the 
styli'  of  drcM*  to  iiuike  her  public  appeanmces  in.  The  attire  tlmt  would 
be^l  suit  her  would  t)e  a  phtin  white  sheet ;  and*  instead  of  a  parasol,  a 
lar^te  mould  caudle  iu  her  hand  would  set  olT  the  coquettish  garment  to 
remarkablo  ndvautugc. 


THE  SMOKE  NUISANCE. 

Inasmuch  as  that  mctldling  body,  the  Commissionera  of  Sewers,  has 
instructed  Mr.  Simon,  the  Medical  Officer  of  Health  of  the  City  of 
London,  (and,  as  sucn^  considerably  overpaid  in  the  Mtimatiun  of 
London's  wizard.  Sir  Petbb  Laitrib),  to  report  upon  the  smoke  of 
London,  with  a  view  to  putting  down  the  said  smoke ;  and  inasmuch 
as  any  successful  attempt  to  such  efleot  must  be  followed  by  a  deoroaso 
of  income  of  certain  iMuiies,  who  rightfully  consider  smoLe  a  vested 
iutcreiit,  it  is  proposed  by  Punch  that  compensation  be  duly  mode  to  the 
under-mentioned  individuals : — 

To  all  London  painters  and  gilders,  to  whom  smoke  Is  the  means  of 
daily  bread  *  they  consuming  luc  same  iu  the  shape  of  wnffta  for  house- 
paiutm!i,  gilding  of  weathercocks,  the  three  balls  of  pawnbrokers,  Ac. 

To  all  laundresses,  to  whom  London  smoke — upon  the  stiidtei-t  calcu- 
btiuu — is  worth  two  shirts  a  week  per  head  of  Uie  working  classes. 

To  all  soap-boilers,  smoke  being  at  the  present  time  thcii  most 
p  roll  table  patron. 

To  all  London  florists.  London  smoke  being  t«  myrtles,  roaea,  &c, 
the  air  thev  breathe,  anu  having  it.  di"oop  and  die. 

And,  finfiUy,  to  the  Dean  and  Chapter  of  St.  Paul's  Cathedi-al,  that 
cdUice,  after  a  time,  losing  its  customary  coat  of  coal  soot !  A  coat  so 
si^ificant  and  distinguishing;  inasmuch  as  the  pile  having  been 
origimdiy  built  upon  a  tax  ou  London  coal,  it  has  up  to  the  present 
time  apncju-ed  iti  WaUscnd  black.  However,  with  Loudon  smoke 
abuliHhcu,  Ibe  diitlest  spots  pertaining  to  St.  Paul's  will  be  the  hands  of 
the  money-takers. 


PUGNACITY  OF  THE  PARTY  FRESa 

WiiEN  we  speak  of  the  pugnacity  of  the  Party  Press,  we  do  not 
allude  to  the  ])artie8  in  p(4itics,  but  to  the  jjarties  of  the  fashionable 
world,  whose  chronicles  arc  couched  sometimes  in  language  befitting 
such  a  circle  only  as  the  Prize  Ring. 

We  read  the  other  d.iy  the  account  of  a  party  given  by  that  benevo- 
lent and  amiable  Udy,  Miss  Burdbtt  Coutts,  who  was,  we  are  told 
by  the  reporter  "supported  riaht  and  left  by  tl  ■  -  ,-  -..-^  ^  f^^^. 
terbury  and  the  Amcriciin  Minister,  and  fao-  ss 

OF   WB8TMIN8TER,"       NoW  whCH  WC  read    li-. _  ;.    ..:. ;    -   :l," 

and  "  facers,"  we  ore  reminded  rather  of  a  passage  in  Hrii'x  Uff  than 
of  an  artiolo  in  a  journal  whose  ordinary  regard  to  the  "  proprieties  " 
is  inconsistent  with  this  unseemly  mixing  up  of  archbishops,  ambaasa- 
dors,  and  niarchioneascaj  with  "facers,"  "right  and  left,"  and  other 
jargon  of  a  decidedly  pugiUstio  colour. 


I 

4 


A  KEW  BntD  TOR  TioE  Opbra.— Doka  Maru  Lonrro  Martinki 
OB  Moreno,  a  Cuban  yhtna  (hnmi  of  colour,  is  promised  us.  We 
have  already  the  Swedish  NightingiUe,  and  why  not  the  HavaunaH 
BhuikbirdP 


TIIE  BLACK  PRINCE, 


thing  uninentcil  at  the  Vtctono. 


UE  Nepaulcse  Ambassador 
and  bis  suite  are  being:  dro?- 
ccd  rouud  tbo  town,  imd 
lionised  at  every  place  of 
ciitortainmeul  to  sucb  au 
extcut  that  their  nuinrs  arc 
bc^iiininj*  to  be  looked  for 
iis  part  of  the  attriiction  in 
tlie  bill  of  every  subiuliait 
tca-jrardcn.  Tliey  are  to 
be  found  enjoying  the  Bapr- 
pipes  playing  the  liicKwd 
jifA  *OMacA-rach  at  t  he  Scot  t  ish 
Fi'tp,  the  iKiUoon  at  Vaux- 
hJili,aaJ  the  terrific  ascent  of 
the  intrepid  Madame  SiiME- 
BOOT  at  Cremome.  They 
have  been  advertised  as  a 
strong  half-price  to  the  Sur- 
rey, and  wo  may  shortly 
expect  them  to  be  ^en 
sympathising  with  the  re- 
cognised victim  of  cvery- 
Suoh  are  their  ideas  of  uiagnificcnce. 


that  they  offer  to  piirchasc  ever\ihing  thev  ace.  from  the  scmccs  of  the 
crossing  sweeper  nt  St.  I'anl's  Cliurcli  A':\rd,  to  those  of  the  dancing  Uink 
and  Lodien  at  ii///>  given  in  honour  of  the  alntugers  by  a  distmguisbcd 
member  of  the  aristocracy.  So  delizhted  were  the  Nepaulese  Pnnccs 
willi  tbe  specimen  of  the  ("uahiouable  i>iiiUi  of  private  life  whirb  wa.s  set 
licfore  IheDL  that  they  looted  ujkiu  the  dancing  Dukes  and  Dudiesscs, 
Ijords  and  Ladies,  as  a  frmpe  of  CQiyphefs.  and  cntnured  of  the  noble 
host  tbe  terms  on  which  the  rorp$  pould  be  transplanted  entire  to 
Nenaul,  for  the  oniusenieut  of  the  native  Prince  in  liis  own  palace. 

Thougli  the  illustrious  strangers  are  ea-silv  anuisedj  it  is  very  difficult 
to  provitlt*  them  with  an  cntertaimncut  in  the  truly  English  sense  of  the 
tcnii  which  includes  the  celebrated  knife  and  fork  ciercise,  without 
whiefi  we  fancv  we  can  never  do  the  civil  thing  to  a  foreipicr.  The 
Nepaulcsc  AmWsadors  will  share  in  our  amusements  readily  enough ; 
they  will  cry,  "Oh.  oh!"  at  our  VauidiaU  fire-works ;  they  will  cxcbim 
*'  braca "  with  us  at  the  grace  of  CiUUiTTA  Oiusi,  and  the  polite  offer 
of  a  private  box  would  OTobably  bring  tiiem  to  join  in  the  cry  of  "Bravo, 
Ix,"  at  the  Britannia  Saloon ;  but  when  wc  come  to  ask  them  to 
dinner,  then  it  is  lliat  wo  discover  Iheir  uncongeniulity  with  our  habits 
and  feelings.  If  thojr  accept  our  invitation  thry  walk  away  directly  the 
meal  is  served,  and  tno  popular  notion  is  that  they  eat  nolliingbul  what 
thrv  kill  at  the  moment. 

The  only  way  we  can  suggest  in  which  to  entertain  them  after  their 
own  hearts — by  setting  before  them  somcthine  they  aa  kill  and  eat  at 
the  same  time — is  to  maco  before  them  a  few  cKoens  of  nice  fresh,  live, 
unoj>ened  oysters,  and  thus  they  would  be  able  to  enjoy  the  luiury  of 
killmg  and  eating  tbe  natives.  At  all  events,  in  spite  of  little  diner- 
rnces  in  our  liabits  and  cuslomB,  it  is  delightful  to  sws  the  Ncpaulese 
I'rincc*  mixing  with  all  classes  of  English  society,  and  we  hnvc  no 
doubt  that,  bybruflhin^  about,  a  brilliant  i)oUsh  will  be  imparted  in 
time  to  Nature's  blackmg. 


PLATITUDES. 


(BfomrOld  Otdgw). 

TuE  French  Hrpublic  is  always  represented  with  a  Phrygian  hcad- 
dreas.    The  tittest  r.niamcnt  for  it,  I  think,  would  be  a  " Mub-rup'^ 

I  do  abominate  all  parrots,  pcrroquets,  and  cockatoos,  and  the  awful 
noises  they  make.  I  am  sure  they  are  only  tolerated  by  Udies,  because 
they  arc  such  "  deUcious  creatures  **  (tcreeekgrg). 

It  ia  very  curious  that  men  never  know  they  have  grey  hairs,  Tbe 
diflooTBry  is  always  made  for  them  by  other  people. 

We  are  astonisned  at  the  Ostrich  for  swdlowing  pennies,  and  yet  I 
know  a  vouni;  man  who  has  devoured  £100,000,  and,  strange  to  say,  he 
is  thougbt  nothing  of. 

There  is  no  peooe-moker  in  tbe  world  like  a  good  dinner. 

There  are  partners  almost  in  evetr  business,  but  I  never  recollect 
Mdog  two  partners  keeping  »  pubuc-hoiue.  Lb  it  becaase  drinking 
tends  to  quarrelling  F 

We  do  not  dislike  men  so  much  who  are  ruiniog  themselves — it  is 
on!}'  when  they  are  ruined. 

Franco  should  be  painted^  like  Fortune,  standing  on  a  wheel — for  she 
seems  to  liave  quite  a  turn  lor  revolutions. 

U  you  wish  to  hear  all  your  faults  freely  canvassed,  have  your  portrait 
taken,  and  invite  your  friends  to  come  and  keep  you  company. 

llie  best  part  of  a  pnbtic  dinner  b  that  there  are  no  children  after 
dMiert 


THE  BELOIUVIANS'  LAMENT. 

(JBmiff  a  MS.  tehtrh  liroppeH  ovi  </  Col— N— L  S— btu — r's  kat  dtmiig 
the  IkhaU  0/  Thundag  Night.) 

Therb  is  a  sound  of  sorrow  through  Wdlon's  Crescent  fair; 
The  Dowagers  of  Ix)wndc3  Stn-rt  are  tearing  of  their  hair; 
The  muffins  stand  in  Eaton  yiiuurc  uhL'^teu  ou  the  plate; 
I  The  footmen  group  in  gloomy  knots  round  nmny  an  area  gat*. 

I  And  rents  and  hearta  are  going  down  in  naltn'  Alberi  "Row, 
I  A  ghostly  line  of  blank  "To  IrfU"  the  lirhllt  '   ..s  show, 

I  The  white  cross  on  the  old  i'ark  clins  the  sori'  ^, 

.\nd  struight  prepares  his  trunk  lo  go,  like  the  u....a,.,...  ;ice9. 

The  word  is  spoke — 'tis  past  a  joke— Hvdc  Park  the  spot  shall  lie, 
I  Where  to  the  skies  shall  soon  arise  Ihe  llousc  of  Indiistry — 
I'ile  hi;;h  the  bricks,  the  mortar  mix,  knock  up  the  scnffold-imles. 
Tread  out  the  green,  cut  up  the  turf,  with  ruts,  and  hills,  and  holes. 

Tlic  Prince  commands — in  ruady  hands  the  trenchant  axe  is  nigh : 
Soon  maimed  and  marred,  upon  the  sward,  the  headless  trunks  will  lie. 
Vain  Campbell's  law,  Brouguau's  jjo^ver  of  jaw,  and  SinTiioni-'s 

joliy  row — 
A  Prince  to  please,  not  only  trees,  but  Woods  and  Forests  bow. 

Wlien  sudden,  hark,  into  the  Pork  wide  Albert  ''  *  (lung. 

And  io*  a  band  that  supjih.iut  istnnd,  the  uoh!  <unz; 

Uight  well  we  know  ftf  Jtottcn  Kow  the  glory  ^ :  lIc, 
Tlic  Maidens  in  their  Imbits,  the  uoblo  Swells  beside. 

Then  up  and  snake  a  Uidy— tlrnt  round  her  neck  did  wcir 
A  halter  for  a  nabit-sliirt— A  la  Eustace  St.  Plcbjik  : 
"  Our  necks  are  thine,  all  in  a  line  to  string  up,  if  yon  lilcaac  ; 
And  none  shall  cut  us  down,  if  you  will  not  cut  down  the  trees. 

"  Snare  but  these  trunks,  we  give  our  licads ;  and  ladicj,  as  they  ridf. 

In  daj*8  to  come  will  talk  of  us  for  Rotteu  How  that  died; 

'Tis  no  plebeian  nrecinct  thus,  rudclv  you  invade; 

The  sacred  ride  for  noble  swells  and  high-bom  Indies  nioilc. 

"  There 's  Regent's  Park  is  pareenne ;  there 's  Batlersca  is  low ; 
Wlmt  liAnu  to  cut  up  snobbbh  turf,  and  'spanLfus  also? 
Or  is  there  not  the  Isle  of  Dugs  by  Thames'  »uubrious  sideP 
Oh,  thither  you  might  cut  your  stick,  (Uid  cut  no  stick  beside. 

"  But  to  come  down  on  llotten  Kow,  to  mar  *The  Latiics'  Mile! ' 
1\)  spifHicatc  the  railings,  where  lean  the  gents  and  snide ! 
Uli.pnle,  I  trow,  sweet  cheeks  will  grow,  that,  wan  from  ball-rooms  hoi. 
tlcpair  the  g&lot)o's  rovogcs  with  a  gttllop  or  a  trot. 

"  Think,  cruel  Prince,  liow  much  there  is  that  with  these  trees  must  fall, 
The  scandal  of  the  drawing-room,  the  chiteliat  of  the  ball — 
1U>Geiis*  hifit  wot  unsprcoa  ^viU  go !  Macadlav's  last  good  thing 
Like  a  bad  shilling  nc  cr  will  pass,  because  it  Ims  no  Ring  ! 

"Then  take  our  Uvea,  and  spare  tmr  ride,  the  only  pUce  we  know 
Where  ladies,  pent  in  Loudim,  for  exercise  can  go. 
'Tis  not  with  us  as  with  our  I^rds ;  for  Ibe^,  the  Park  beside, 
Have  got  the  House  of  Coiniuons,  where  their  hobbies  they  may  ride." 

The  Prince  looked  grim — it  woshi.i  whim— liumbu^cd  he  would  not  1>C; 
When  lo— a  stately  Lady  is  kneeling  at  his  knee. 
"I  too  would  ride."  she  sweetly  cried,  "so,  Albert,  if  you  please. 
Don't— there  's  a  darling— for  my  s-ike— plea&e  don't  cut  oovni  the  trees." 

He  fain  had  soumcd — and  restless  turned— but — 
{Here  the  MS.  bccoma  itleffihli) 


THE  MOUNTAIN  OF  LIGHT. 


The  presentation  of  the  great  diamond,  the  Mountain  of  Light,  to 
H£R  Majesty,  at  the  recent  Icvcc,  contributed  to  make  it  in  every 
sense  of  the  word  a  britliant  reception.  It  is  said  that  this  magniliceul 
jewel  came  from  the  famous  peacock  throne  of  the  Ktxo  or  Persia, 
and  used  to  adorn  the  peacock's  head,  but  all  we  have  to  sav  on  this 
head  is,  that  there  is  no  reliauoe  to  be  placed  on  the  talc.  1^  valu- 
able diamond  was  given  to  a  VenetMn  Jew  jcwcllrr,  to  be  cut  as  a  rosc^ 
but  he  seems  to  have  had  a  cabbage  rose  in  his  eye,  for  he  resortca 
to  the  untradeamauUke  act  of  cabraging  as  much  as  he  could  of  the 
prrrious  matrrial.  It  weighed,  before  the  cabbiuiDg,  nearly  800  carats. 
S'  '  l'  some  half-doiten  w)bben'ca,  »»..^  wc 

1'-  !c  a  present  to  Hah  Most  Gkaliol's 

MAJr.M  I .  t  MMir  111'  iLiudsof  anybody. 

Such  15  our  bri'  \  (his  Mountain  of  Light,  whicb,  to  look  at, 

appears  loss  of  a  iil>  .        i  >  ii-tu  a  molehill. 


24 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARt 


PLEASURE    TRIPS    OF    BROWN,    JONES,    AND    ROBINSON. 

THE  VISIT  TO  EPSOM.— PART  II. 


TBKT  SEE  A  FLIOHT  OF  FIOKORS^ 
IHD   ARE   BURPRISED  THEREAT. 


^JKj      "something     must  have  hap- 
rsiriD  TO  Rom»80ir. 


PSRPLBXITT   OP   BROWK  VUER   ASCKD  TVBICn   "  OF   'XH   *£RX   OSSBS  IS  'iS." 


LAR  AfPlABAVOI  OF  BBOWIT  XBl  nOHT  Aim  SHS  DXRST. 


I 


LEAVES    FROM    THE    ARTICHOKE. 

"  Afiichokc  UoUl,  rcnimnk.-,  Jul^  0. 

**  loUR  FABDON,  Mjl.  PDMCU, 

"  Fob  tboj  breaking  in  apoa  your  unportant  minutes.  But  1 
tun  the  liaodlord  of  the  ArticfaokeTainily  Hotel,  at  this  rifting  W&terin^- 
pUce  of  rerriwinks — (Sands  like  a  Curpct,  and  doukiea,  sidc-aaddlc  or 
otherwise,  quiet  as  sucking  babies,  besides  Chairs  for  Inralids,  and  Flys 
for  Parties^- ^which  13  much  patronised  by  the  Nobilit/and  Clerp>',  ^^tb 
a  great  promise  of  Members  of  Parliament^  Two  having  ^oue  iiwav  la&t 
season,  ami  anxJously  looked  for  to  return.  And,  Sir,  as  the  L^aiolord. 
and  knowing  it  v&  the  delight  of  your  heart  to  give  a  lifting  hinid  to 
struggUne  worth — (not  that  it  becomes  nic  to  soy  so  for  mysfll",  but 
being  so  Bold  na  to  speak  for  an  innocent  wife,  and  a  fumilv  cuntiuuiid 
every  twelvemonth) — I  beff  leave  to  call  your  notice  to  a  hal)it  which  is 
disgraceful  lo  people  whicli  e^  themselves  Ijidic^  imd  GenLlemen. — a 

habit  of  ntri' — -'     ■•■  •'     Kook  whicli  lifs  \\\><.a\  the  Table  of  every 

K^pcctui  I  ,  and  :uiv  litlb:  cuinulijncnt  they  may 

dK}0:»ti  to  I  1  of  the  itoudC,  jilJ  the  Credit  of  the 

Landlord.  \Vluil  i  stand  upon  is  this:  if  peop^  •  .^^ea't  satisfled— and 
I  'vc  hcjcw  too  long  in  business  to  attempt  to  satl^f-.  everybody — as  little 
:is  they  can  du  is  only  lu  put  down  their  namos,  and  say  nothing  about  it. 
Hut  no,  Sir;  they  won't  do  this— but  will  t'o  011  l.%kiug  away  the  cbii- 
ractcr  of  everythinar  in  a  llouse>  from  Ileas  to  i^dtled  I'orter 

"To  show  you,  Mr.  PuHck^  that  I  do  not  complain  withotit  a  cjiusc,  1 
send  you  u  correct  copy  of  (he  Virst  Leaf  of  ihc  Season  of  the  Visitors' 
Book  of  the  Artichoke,  of  this  Rising  VVatering-plnce  of  Pcrriwiuks; — 
and  will,  from  lime  tt)  time,  forward  you  other  Leaves,  that  People, 
seeing  thn:     '        '    '  !        '     ^'  1       *'  ''    '  Mnu-ntothenext. 

will  be  ( ' I ,  ■.  I's,  aud  Painful 

to  any  Loi-u :,  .-f ..,.  ...:..  ..  .. .:.  .;...i _,  ^ iicn;  and  am, 

"  Yours,  humbly. 

"John  Buezwino" 


ARTICHOKE  TA\^EKN,  PERIUWINKS. 

Vl&JTUHS*   BOOK. 

y^/y  L  The   Rev.  M"    ^•— "mcHj  Mrs.  Sw»wf^-"    Miss  Six>w 


COACH,  and 
CuiiiPoke.—  i 


K     bl/JWtOACH. 

Mil.  S.  «ui  ivcomi 


tcuk.  Pig- 
it  11.  People 


civil;  port  good-,  sliorry  very  nutty;  salmon  utihuim,  a  little 
antc-duuviao  \  and  where  i/o  they  get  their  lobsters  f  House 
oon>mands  a  noble  prospect  of  the  sea,  when  it  covers  the  mud. 

Mrs.  S. — as  a  wife  and  mother — would  stiggcst  to  any  lady  to 
am*re  htfr^^ff  thiit  the  sheets  of  this  house  are  aifrd.  Land- 
lady ci%  il  \  but  Mils.  S.  caMHot  refrain  from  erpremng  a  suspicion 
that  all  the  children  have  not  bwn  vaccinated. 

Aliss  Tkillsa  S.  has  seen  aud  rcutl  of  a  good  many  moons ; 
but  can  confidently  recommend  the  moon  of  this  place,  as  it  edges 
the  rippling  itave  with  ti  fringe  of  silver. 

■—  Jonsf  Bagge,  Esq.,  Wideawake  Lodge,  Briiton. — Never  was 
so  bitten  in  all  Ids  life.  His  opinion  is,  that  some  East  India 
family  has  slept  here,  with  their  lugga^ ;  and  crossed  the  fleas 
with  scoqiions.  AVheu  he  gels  borne,  only  hope$  Lis  wife '11 
know  him. 

—  Keux  Dove,  Esq.,  of  Nightingale  Lan&  Highgate.    Uere  all 

alone,  and  never  «&  happy  1  Beautiful  walks ;  witn  an  oncommou 
Quiet  cob ;  Madeira^  astonishing  for  such  a  place.  A  litiU  too 
much  of  the  British  Lion  in  the  brandy — but^  altogether, 
debghled.  Sbould  anything — (wluch  Heaven  forbid  1) — happen 
to  Mrs.  Dm  is  resolved  to  spend  his  next  Honeymoon  here. 

—  O1.U  Ass ! '.    IIasn*t  got  out  of  one  Pound,  afore  he  wants  to  get 

into  anoLHer. 
\Vontlerful  plncff,  thw,  for  gcogrfti)hy.  Only  two  steps  from 
the  ColTec-ruum  to  the  Havamiah  wiicrc— in  the  garden— you 
sec  your  own  Cigars  in  tlie  Itaf.  Tea  shocking:  cruelty  to 
aaiuials !  Cows  kept  to  lick  the  chalk  scores,  uid  i/iat  't  hoic  the 
milk  comes. 

Bob  Casino  (and  not  ashamed  of  his  name), "  Br  the  sad 
Sea  Waves,"  Perriwinkles-and-no-Pin-to-pick-  em-with ! 

/k/^S.  a  lovely  spot!  Tim  weather  divine  j  the  daisied  meads  and  the 
violet  Imks  delicious.  Landlord,  civil  i^erson ;  huidlady,  most 
maternal  creature.  The  Dove-cot  well  worthy  the  attention  of 
visitors.  Altogether,  not  too  mucJi  to  sa>', — a  heaven  uj>on 
earth.  Augustus  Dk  Notejj. 

"  And,  ob,  If  tbara  tM  an  Elyilnm  on  EArth, 
It  U  I4i*— It  \Mthut" 

Ob.  tnie !    The  Dove-oot  w  beautiful.       Ajujbeujl  Db  N— fl. 

—  Ma.   SqUAiiETOE,   Sol,  of  Size  Lane,  cannot  leave   the   Arti- 

choke without  expressing  his  disgust,  and  it  is  his  wisb  to  use 


the  strongest  word — his  disgiui— at  what  is  called  soft  augar, 
served  in  the  htiuse  with  tJic  coffee.  Mk.  Sqi'aketob  is  ner- 
fectly  well  acquainted  with  the  elastic  properties  of  the  English 
law  of  libel ;  aud,  llicrcforc,  only  expresses  a  hope — a  hope,  bo 
it  understood— that  the  spittoons  of  the  Artichoke  and  the  soft 
sugar  basins  are  not  filicd  from  the  same  aaok. 

Mb*.  Tojibs*  of  the  Yew  Tree,  Bury,  in  quite  a  Christian 
spirit,  and  loving  Ikcr  neighbours  as  herself,  would  suggest  to 
the  Undlady  of  tlie  house,  if  it  be  a  necessary  evil,  conseauent 
upon  keeping  liotels,  to  kef:n  chamber-maids.— that  it  is  not,  she 
submits,  equally  uewssary  that  the  said  maids  should  wear  such 
very  emphatic  caps,  trimmed  with  such  cherry -coloured  ribands. 

./ViiFRED  Tombs,  Jus.  (mother  bciu{?  safe  in  the  coach  at  tuo 
door),  lias  run  in  to  write  down  in  this  book,  that  he  ttiinks  the 
caps  VC17  spicy,  and  the  cherry  ribaods  quite  the  booxioe. 


THE  MERRY  COMMONERS. 

Hey  for  the  Merry  Commoners !  the  jocuhir  M.Ps. 
How  very  little  wit  it  takes  their  little  mmds  to  please; 
How  rampant  is  their  Uughter  at  each  attempt  at  fun : 
And  gramcrcy  !  what  loud  guffaws  at  every  little  pun ! 

Hey  for  the  Mcrrj-  Commoners !  who  says  debates  arc  slow. 
When  at  each  sentence  out  there  drops  a  beautiful  b<m  moif 
So  from  the  newspftj^r  reports  the  fact  at  least  appears, 
For  after  every  paragraph  there  cornea  "  a  laugh     or  "  cheers." 

Hey  for  the  merry  Comnumers!  how  jovial  their  life, 
\S'\X\x  oceans  of  facetiousness  to  season  paftv-.slrife ! 
Two  hundred  jollv  Momuses  upon  the  benches  sit, 
The  country  to  illuminate  with  cvcr-sparkling  wit. 

Hey  for  the  merry  Commoners!  how  nobly  they  adhere 

To  what  *3  been  handed  down  to  us  from  oistaat  year  to  year ! 

Attueliiu^nt  to  antiquity  through  all  their  labours  runs; 

The  spirit  of  the  ])ast  pervades  their  quips,  their  jokes,  their  puns. 

Iley  for  llie  Merry  Commoners !  how  uleasaut  'tis  to  know 
Tli.iv  ;dl  tliat  's  iKivel  in  their  jokes  to  runch  alone  they  owe  I 
Krom  tlie  debalei,  liieii  uioniing,  wc  might  select  a  bunch 
Of  gems,  that  prove  the  Commoners  both  rend  and  mind  their  Funch. 


THE  PUFF  DIRECT. 


We  looked  through  the  Official  Report  on  the  Smoke  Nuisance  with 
intense  interest,  cxuectiiig  tliat  the  greatest  of  all  smoke  nuisances — the 
cigar — would  have  Vcn  at  least  incidentally  touched  upon.  M'e  re«TCt 
to  find  a  total  omission  of  all  allusion  to  the  offensive  weed,  from  which 
our  streets  require  to  be  weeded,  and  wc  have  engaged  one  of  our  own 
commissioQCTS  to  tlirow  into  fonn  a  few  facts  with  reference  to  the  effects 
oftho  cigar  smoke  nuisance  on  the  health  and  comfort  of  the  metropolis. 

In  the  first  place  it  is  ascertained  that  cigar  smoke,  like  other  smoke, 
covers  surrounding  objects  with  a  black  crust ;  for  when  puffed  in  the 
face  of  anyone,  the  features  assume  a  hbck  look,  indicative  of  extreme 
crustiness.  It  soils  the  linen  of  the  pasi^crsby  to  an  extent  that  adds 
ncnri;'  ten  tliousand  a-year  to  Ihc  washing-bills  of  the  metropolis,  to  say 
nothmg  of  the  wear  and  tear  of  the  tub  which  lacerates  the  bosoms  of 
so  many  million  shirts,  and  sends  home  their  mangled  remains  to 
thousands  of  grieving  familicrs 

There  is  no  doubt  ahio.  that  cigar  smoke  acts  as  an  irritant,  for  how- 
ever much  the  love  of  prais^c  may  induce  us  to  deUght  in  a  puff,  whtai 
it  meets  our  eye  casunUy,  none  of  us  can  be  said  to  desire  it  when  it  is 
administered  to  our  very  face  in  a  large  volume,  and  thus  cigar  smoke 
becomes  an  irritant,  of  a  very  exciting  character. 

For  these  and  other  reasons  wc  have  come  to  the  conclusion  that  all 
persons  choosing  to  convert  themselves  into  walkhig  chirimevs  m  the 
nublic  thoroughfares  should  be  compelled  to  follow  the  law  laid  down 
tor  endues,  And  consume  their  own  smoke,  as  coming  under  the 
description  of  those  "mortal  engines"  with  "rude  throats"  that 
Shakspkare  has  alluded  to. 


Hyde  and  Seek. 

It  is  a  pity  tliat  so  much  blindness  has  been  exhibited  about  the  sit« 
of  the  intended  Exposition  of  the  year  1851;  for  it  was  ejisy  to  have 
foreseen  lliat  Hyde  Park,  as  one  of  the  Innca  of  the  metropolis,  would 
not  have  been  willingly  surrendered  by  the  Londouers,  who  recmire  all 
their  lungs  for  their  very  little  hn'  'li- ^  <  •■"  It  has  been  objected 
to  Hyde  Park  also,  that  it  is  api'  her  water  nor  railv 

but  surely  this  deficiency  hits  lat?  i  -1.  fnc  w^  ■^>saKfc  •''^^S;; 

have  had  so  mni  oold  water  U^wiww  >iv^\k^^,vs^\*«sQ. »  ^C^'«.'«^'^ 
railed  againaU 


\ 


28 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


^5^^^^^./^^.. 


A  VIEW  IN  HYDE  PAEK,  SHOWING  THE  PROPOSED  SITE  FOR  THE  EXHIBITION  OF  INDUSTRY. 


THE  LAST  MOMENTS  OF  A  CONDEMNED. 

"Deab  Punch, 

"  I  AM  the  gentleman  who  used  to  go  every  night  to  the  Liona 
snd  Tigers  at  Drury  Lane,  in  the  hope  of  seeing  Van  Aniourgh  devoured. 
I  am  fond  of  excitement.  I  went  every  night  but  one  that  Mabaicb 
Sacqtji  ascended  the  tight-rope,  from  the  stage  to  the  gallery,  and 
never  shall  forgive  myself  that  the  only  night  I  misseawaa  when 
the  rope  broke  in  the  middle  of  the  ascent.  I  love  all  the  national 
sports  and  pastimes  of  England ;  but,  alas !  where  are  they  P  Every 
one  ia  gradually;  leaving  us.  Ck}ck-shying  lias  shamefully  gone  out  of 
fashion ;  bull-baiting  has  followed  the  samu  d^'ploruljlc,  nii&taken  tracl^ : 
and  I  cannot  snfiBciently  control  my  indi^Ti^tion  v  hen  I  mention  that 
Smithfield  is  also  about  to  be  abolisned.  I  waa  in  the  Imbit  of  attend- 
ing in  Cow  Lane  every  market-day,  and  many  a  luvppy  boiu  of  excite- 
ment have  I  passed  there !  How  I  have  been  elevated  itt  tho  eolivenln^ 
cry  of  *  Mad  Dull !  *  How  my  heart  has  bounded  hiffh  into  the  air  as  I 
watched  the  career  of  that  *  mad  bull*  down  the  street !  and  how  I  have 
jiunped,  leaped  for  joy,  when  he  encountered  in  liis  dl^uutcd  path  old 
women,  children,  apple-staUs,  and  charitv  j^eiioolf).  I  often  lon^  to 
see  an  Alderman,  oi  the  rich,  fat,  old  scliool, — a  sort  of  double^Moon 
Alderman, — tossed;  but  such  a  treat  was  never  afford^  me.  Still  I 
should  not  grumble,  and  I  am  most  thankful  to  thd  City  Corporation 
for  the  liv^  moments  of  innocent  amusement  I  have  enjoyed  in  the 
purlieus  of  jolly  Smithfield.  But,  Sir,  that  last  remnant  of  our  S]^rts 
and  Pastimes — that  last  faint  reminiscence  of  the  glories  of  buU-baiting 
— is  about  to  be  snatched  from  us !  Parliament,  in  its  baby  stupiditv,  has 
decreed  in  a  committee  itsdownfall.  I  boldly  announce  that,  if  Smithfield 
is  taken  away,  I  shall  exile  myself  to  Spain,  and  seek  in  a  forci^  Imid 
some  consolation  for  the  delights  I  have  lost  ui  mv  own  country.  But  I 
prefer  Smithfield  to  the  best  oull-flght,  and  should  be  sorry  to  exchange 
iny  lamp-post  in  Cow  Lane  for  a  scat  in  the  Queen*s  box  at  Seville  or 

*^"^-  "I  remain,  dear  Punch, 

"  Yours,  always  (twice  a  week  in  Cow  Lane), 

A  LovEn  OP  Excitement. 


Pie-crust  FTomiaes. 


We  are  promised  that  the  new  Building  for  the  great  Industrial 
Exhibition  is  not  to  cost  more  than  £10,000,  and  that  it  is  to  be  com- 

Eleted  before  the  First  of  May.  This  is  idl  very  well,  but  we  cannot 
elp  recollecting  that  Mr.  Barky  is  one  of  the  great  men,  if  not  iie 
ffn»t  man^  on  tne  BuiJdiiiir  Commitlci!.  Looking  at  the  cost  of  tho 
Houses  of  Parliament,  and  that  they  are  not  yet  comidet«i.  and  that 
DO  one  can  tell  when  they  ^vill  be,  mueli  less  how  many  millions  they 
will  cost  when  they  are  completed,  we  think  we  are  right  in  presuming 
that,  if  the  estimate  fortius  Industrial  Buildinj^  is  £10,000.  that  it  will 
cost  at  least  £2,000,000  ^  aud  thai  we  ore  cquf^yjostifiea  in  fearing  after 
the  absurd  annoanoement  that  the  Building  i^  to  be  ready  by  the  Pirst 
of  May.  that,  at  the  most  profound  calculation,  it  never  will  be  finished 
in  less  than  ten  yews  after  that  dale  t 


SABBATAEIAN  SLAOT)ER. 

My  deab  Loxu>  Bbouguam, 

I  iM  very  sorry  to  be  informed  that  your  Lordship  is  a  hater 
of  religion,  and  not  oiJy  that,  but  one  of  the  leaders  of  tne  band  of 
inlldcb.  Xf  an^lliing  ceui  jidd  to  the  concern  which  this  intelligence  gives 
inc.  it  is  the  circumstanc**  that  I,  myself,  am  said  to  be  your  comrade 
and  associate  in  ctimtnand  of  the  regiment  of  unbelievers.  We  are  in« 
debted,  my  Lord,  to  a  newspaper  called  the  CkmHan  Timet,  for 
gazetting  na  two  as  th^'  raptains  of  that  profane  corps.  Says  our  cha- 
ritable contempomTV,  nlhjding  to  the  House  of  Commons*^  resolution, 
wliich  fetopp(.d  tlic  "deiivtry  of  letters  and  newspapers  on  Sunday : — 

"  No  looner  had  the  faot  become  known,  than  a  deadly,  malidoiu,  and  ealumnlotu 
onslaught  was  ilmultaDeouiljr  made  by  the  non-rellglons  put  of  the  prea^  And  by  tba 
motley  horde  of  reUgion-haters,  under  the  captal  ncy  of  Lobd  Bbouou ajc  and  Mr.  iVxc4." 

Having  thus  promoted  us  to  be  Commanders  of  the  Unfaithful;— an 
army  which  a  defamatory  iournal,  c^ng  itself  Christian,  is  rather  likely 
to  procure  recruits  for — the  Sabbatarian  print  continues : — 

"These  worthies  have  written  in  erery  form  of  Tehement  Titaperatlon  and  slander; 
they  have  arroKated  to  themseWea  all  the  wisdom  of  the  quesnon,  and  credited  tba 
advocates  of  Uie  Sabbath  rest  with  every  attribute  of  folly,  Intoieranoe,  cant,  and 
sciashness." 

Now.  my  dear  Lord,  don't  you  think  that  there  are  some  peopie  who 
coolly  '*  arrogate  to  themselves  "  the  exclusive  ckim  to  be  Christians  P 
I  do ;  and  I  say  that  tbc  Subbiitarians  arc  such  people ;  and  I  totally  deny 
thdr  pret^tisionSj  and  assert^  and  insist,  that  the^  have  no  more  reason 
fur  tiiaintiuuing  their  own  peculiar  iud  private  views  to  be  Christianitjr 
than  the  Ebionites  had,  or  the  Quartodccimans,  or  the  Omphalopsychoi, 
incut  io lied  in  Church  Historv,  who  bi^lieved  their  souls  to  be  in  their 
navels,  or,  indeed,  than  the  Joainia  Southcoteites,  or  any  other  subdi- 
vision of  the  preat  &ect  of  the  Liinatirs.  I  contend  that  their  doctrine  of 
tho  Judaisiical  observance  of  Sunday  b  a  mere  persuasion,  which  they 
have  every  right  to  entertain,  certainly ;  but  none  whatever  to  enforce 
1  heir  own  practice  in  regard  to  it  on  others.  Let  them  show  me  one  word 
ill  support  of  their  tenet  out  of  the  Book,  and  I  am  dumb.  If  they  have 
notlun^  else  to  offer  me  than  their  own  iiafalUble  authority,  I  am  much 
obliged  to  Ihcni,  but  there  is  already  a  Pope  at  Rome,  if  I  want  proof 
of  that  description.  Pray  enter  your  protest  in  the  Journal  of  the 
House  of  Lords  against  hcjng  coJlcdAU  Aj-ch-infidel, because  you  defend 
rfli^oiia  liberty  from  the  encroachmenla  of  Sabbatarian  fanaticism,  and 
to  your  own  name  adjoin,  by  proxy,  that  of  the  maligned,  traduced, 
iiljured,  innocent,  99^CK* 

Greens  to  the  Oreen. 

A  VEWs?AFER  paragraph  informs  us  of  a  somewhat  strange  fest 
having  been  accomplished  oy  an  individual  who  devoured  a  large  Quan- 
tity w  cabbage  stumps  for  a  small  wager.  This  man's  love  of  the 
stumpy  mosthave  b^n  intense,  or  he  never  would  have  undertaken 
the  task  of  eating  a  heap  of  cabbage  stalks-Hinless,  indeed,  he  thoo^t 
to  make  himself  do^ioent,  in  consequence  of  his  haTing  heard  something 
about  Cabltu's  finend.  the  Stump  Ontor. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIYARI. 


20 


49uv  "In  JttemoTiam.'* 

Not  in  the  splendour  of  a  minoua  glory 

Emblazoned,  glitters  our  lost  Statesman's  name : 

The  great  deeds  that  have  earned  him  dcdthleas  fame 

Will  cost  U3  merely  thanks.    Their  inventory 

Of  pcaocfol  heroism  will  be  a  story, 

Of  wise  assertion  of  a  rightful  claim. 

And  Conimerco  freed  by  sagely  daring  aim. 

Famine  averted ;  Revolution  gory 

Disarmed ;  and  the  exhausted  Commonweal 

Recruited ;  these  are  things  that  England  long 

Will  couple  with  the  name  of  Robert  Peei^ 

Of  whom  the  worst  his  enemies  can  say 

Is,  that  he  left  the  error  of  hb  way 

'When  Conscience  tohl  him  he  was  in  the  wrong. 


WHXT  A  PERSON  MAY  DO  ON  A  SUNDAY  IN  TILE 
COUNTRY.  AND  WHAT  HE  MAY  NOT  DO. 

Hb  may  post  himself  and  have  as  nhiny  post-horses  as  he  pleases ; 
but  he  must  not  send  a  single  letter  by  the  Tost. 

He  may.  however,  send  letters  bv  tyinf?  a  uice^s  of  strins:  round  them, 
and  so  niaking  pareels  of  them:  but  then  lie  must  send  them  by  the 
railway,  and  not  through  the  nicdiuni  of  llic  Post. 

He  may  receive  messages  by  the  Electric  Telegraph ;  but  he  may  not 
receive  those  same  mcssaees,  if  folded  up  in  a  penny  letter  and  sent 
through  the  Puritanical  ciiannel  of  St.  Mart  in' »-le- Grand. 

He  nifty  travel  on  a  railway  with  the  Mail- Post :  but  he  is  a  fool,  or 
worse— nn  iulldel,  if  he  expects  to  receive  at  the  dcstinntiou  of  his 
joumev  aity  one  of  the  letters  that  have  been  travelling  with  him  every 
rach  of  the  way  in  the  same  train. 

He  Hiav  buy  postago-stamps  on  a  Sunday ;  but  he  is  forbidden  to 
receive  a  fetter  that  is  stamped  with  one,  though  it  is  there  before  him 
OD  the  counter  of  the  same  shop, 


''t 


B  may  go  to  the  club,  or  the  puhlic-honsc,  to  read  the  ncwv 
paper;  but  le  cannot  reau  it  at  homo  unless  he  chooses  to  wait 
till  his  Sunday  newspaper  is  delivered  on  the  Monday  or  Tuesday 
morning. 

He  may  go  to  hear  a  political  lecture,  or  attend  a  Socialist  meeting, 
or  join  a  van  party,  or  nae  .it  6vc  o'clock  in  the  moniing  for  a  cheap 
excursion,  or  nire  a  horse  or  a  donkey,  or  travel  in  a  cart,  carriage, 
cab,  omnibus,  8team-t)oat,  velocipede,  or  balloon;  he  may  do  all 
these  things,  and  a  quantity  more,  on  a  Sunday ;  but  he  must  be 
debarred  from  all  letters  and  newspapers,  for  uoue  are  delivered  on 
that  day. 

He  may  send  to  the  hotel  for  his  dinner,  to  the  wine-stores  for  his 
wine,  to  the  pastry-cook's  for  his  pastry,  to  the  preen- grocer's  for  his 
dessert,  to  the  cigar  seller's  for  his  lobacco,  nnd  Ihey  will  all  be  sent 
home  to  him ;  but  he  may  in  vain  send  to  the  Post-Omce  for  liis  letters 
and  his  newspapers,  for  they  will  not  be  given  to  him,  because  it 
happens  to  be  a  oimday. 


THE  BEST  SITE  AFTER  AIX  FOR  THE  EXPOSITION 
OF  1851. 

WniLZ  every  body's  ingenuity  has  been  tried  to  suggest  a  site  for 
the  Exposition  of  1851,  there  is  a  site  that  has  been  altogether  over- 
looked in  the  most  un.iceountablc  manner.  The  place  we  speak  of 
ranks  among  the  Metropolitan  I'lirks,  and  its  adoption  will  pre v nit  a 
necessity  for  encroacliing  on  the  Park  of  Hyde,  the  Park  of  Victoria. 
or  the  Park  of  Battersea.  The  public  will  nt  once  perceive  the  rligibility 
of  the  position  of  tliat  most  central  of  iJl  localities,  Whclitoue  Park, 
which  i»  in  the  very  heart  of  the  MeIr(i|)olis,  and  mav  be  approaclied  by 
almost  every  kind  of  conveyance.  There  arc  uo  arisiocrntic  inhabitants 
to  complain  of  their  neighbourhood  being  injured ;  there  are  no  fashion- 
able pnmicuaders  to  cr>'  out  a^nunst  the  invasion  of  their  lounge,  and 
wc  arc  quite  sure  that  the  residents  would  most  willingly  accede  to  the 
selection  of  the  spot  for  the  purposes  of  the  Exhibition. 

It  cannot  be  said  that  any  lung  of  the  Metropolis  would  be  stopped 
np,  for  Whetstone  Park  can  never  be  considered  as  a  lung,  and  its 
temporary  filHng  ud  would  amount  to  nothing  more  than  a  slight  ob- 
atniclion  of  one  ol  the  smallest  air  vessels.  We  stronfjly  urge  upon 
the  Commissioners  the  propriety  of  a  suncv  of  the  rapabihtics  of  (his 
hitherto  forgotten  Pfirk,  and  wc  hope  that  all  animosity  may  be  buried 
at  the  comer  of  Little  Turnstile. 


THE  EXCURSION  SEASON. 

Wb  are  gUd  to  see  the  usual  summer  excursions  are  at  their  height, 
and.  though  some  of  the  proposed  migrations  might,  from  their  oddness, 
leau  to  the  exclamation  oV  O !  mi-grattous !  from  the  feeble  mind,  there 
is  an  abundanpo  of  reasonable  plans  for  seasonable  locomotion.  We 
confess  we  do  not  feel  inclined  to  go  literally  all  the  way  with  some  of 
those  excursionists  who  are  tempted  by  a  promised  trip  of  more  than  200 
miles  to  go  to  Margate  or  Rainsgatc  in  a  single  day,  by  a  train  that 
continues  getting  progressively  later  and  later  at  every  station^  until 
the  lost  tnireller  nnds  he  luis  uo  sooner  reached  his  outward  destination 
than  it  is  time  (o  take  his  plnce  in  the  train  home  again.  Nor  are  wo 
greatly  attracted  by  the  offer  of  a  half-crown  marine  treat,  whose  pro- 
jector promises  to  make  for  no  particular  point,  but  to  go  where\'er  wind 
and  tide  may  bear  his  gallout  vessel.  An  enterprising  tourist,  who  hod 
set  his  heart,  upon  the  buoy  at  the  Noro,  would  be  rather  disappointed 
at  the  wind  wafting  him  to  Battersea,  or  his  being  tied  by  the  tide  to  a 
voyage  in  a  direction  quite  opposite  to  that  in  which  he  hod  made  up 
his  mind  to  travel.  One  might  almost  as  well  advertise  an  excursion 
by  'bus,  the  route  taken  to  )^p  dependent  on  the  turn  the  horses  might 
think  proper  to  take,  instead  of  its  bciii;?  a  matter  of  choice  with  the 
passengers.  However,  novelty  16  everything,  nnd  there  Ls  somclhing 
fresh  and  invigorating  in  the  idea  of  starting  to  go  wo  don't  know 
where,  from  London  Bridge  and  back  again. 


A 


(?:: 


\Xlih' 


^ 


-^ui>.K 


^''^X 


THE  LAST  LPTK   \%  BUOKXN   THAT  B0U5D  HE    TO  THEE. 


HIP,  HTP,  HIP,  FOR  THE  HIPPOPOTAMUS. 

EvEKYBOBY  is  still  niiiiiing  towards  the  Regent's  Park,  for  the  pur- 
pose of  passing  half  an  hour  with  (he  Hippopotamus.  The  animal  itself 
rc|)avs  public  curiosity  with  a  yamj  of  indifference,  or  tlutiws  cold  water 
on  tlie  ardour  of  his  visitors,  by  suddcrdy  plunging  into  his  bath,  and 
splashing  every  one  within  five  yards  of  him. 

Much  disamKiintmcnt  has  been  expressed  at  the  HippO);>otamu9,  in 
conscqueaccorilsnot  bciug  pxactlvupto  the  general  idea  of^a sea-horse, 
and  many  hundreds  go  away  grumbling  ever^  day,  because  the  bm*c  is 
not  80  cQuestrian  in  appearance  ns  could  oe  desired.  Many  pcrsont 
thought  the  Hippopotamus  was  a  regidnr  sea-horse,  kept  expressly  for 
running  in  harness  in  a  sea-captain's  gip;  but  as  the  creature  turns  out 
to  l>e  very  like  ahog  there  an;  many  who  go  the  entire  animnl  in  finding 
fn'ilt  with  him.  The  consumption  of  niuk  is  still  Kimething  terrific, 
though  the  pump  has  been  colled  in  as  an  assistant  wet-nurse. 


THE  DUELLING  SEASON. 

Tnc  Duelling  Season  has  set  in  again  at  Paris  with  uimsnol  warmth. 
Little  parties  arc  mnde  in  the  Bois  dc  Boulogne,  whcrc  ever> thing  goes 
off  with  I  he  greatest  rclat.  The  festivities  are  often  prolonged  to  a  very 
late  hour  in  the  moniiiig,  after  which  the  pucsfs  generally  adjourn  to 
somefyf*on  the  Boidcvards,  at  which  chnmpa^eisthc  "order  of  the 
day.  Ihis  plan  of  rntertninmrnt  is  prevalent  now  amongst  men  of  all 
par1.ics,  sno  politicians  fif  all  rolours.  If  two  members  arc  at  all  distant, 
a  Duel  is  at  once  ppposed,  and  they  are  brought  together  again  in  the 
most  conciliatory  manner.  A  pupil  of  tlH'  EnHrdr  MMfcinr  is  engaged, 
and  some  pistols  are  borrowed,  more  for  the  form  of  (he  thing  tlmn  any- 
thing rise,  and  the  two  angry  foes  never  meet  without  srimntting  the 
beat  of  fritfuds.  This  fonn  of  invitation,  however,  has  not  been  so 
fashionable  lately  anumgst  the  Members  nf  ihelicfl.asil  was  discovered 
from  certain  reports,  which  unfortunnlelv  turned  out  to4)  true,  tliat 
many  of  the  Muntaffnardx  were  uol  worth  llicir  "powder  and  shot." 


SAwnmiiutT  Fbtjicii  Exahtwatiok.— Wc  are  told  that  a  boy  being 
called  upon  to  translate  a  "Fust  Man,"  sent  in  his  answer.  "  Un  homme 


I 


30 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I 


THE     REAL    STREET    OBSTRUCTIONS. 


The  low  says  vory  properly,  tliat  uo  one  shall  obstruct  the  public 
thorousfhfrtre ;  and  it  is  calculated  llmt  no  less  than  fire  hundred 
siiiplDLuLi  of  oranges  pass  thrgiisrh  thf  ]mnAa  of  the  police  every  year, 
in  consequence  of  contuuiaclous  barrow  or  bosket-woineu  blacking  up 
the  footway,  while  the  same  fate  attends  upon  no  Ic^s  than  fifty 
entire  betla  of  oysters,  that  have  prcvcnt^.'d  an  opening  for  the  general 
street  traffic, 

^Vhen  we  wend  our  weary  way  along  the  streets  of  London,  though 
wc  confess  it  is  sometimes  unpleasant  to  find  onrselves  soUeited  by  a 
long  chain  of  basket- wo  men  enireatinff  us  to  purchase  tlieir  "  sweet 
Chainey  uran^s/*  we  must  sav  that  tno  real  enemies  to  progress  are 
the  advertising  machines,  both  human  and  bestial,  as  ^rell  as  methanical. 
What  with  Pamtramas  and  Paletots,  Dioramas  and  Balloona.Kcgistcred 
Shirts,  and  Monster  Concer*,!i.  there  is  no  getting  along  the  ptincipAl 


metropolitan  thoroughfares  without  being  reminded   by  some  ovcr- 

,  whelining  van  that  all  is  van-ity. 

1  The  other  day  \vc  were  completely  blockaded  between  an  enomioua 
invitation  to  the  Crcmome  Elysium,  and  a  i^olitc  rcqwcst.  in  letters  su 
feet  long,  to  go  and  provide  ourselves  with  six  shirts  for  forty  shillings. 
We  had  just  turned  roiuid,  in  the  hope  of  tliiding  a  loophole  or  a  gusset 
to  get  uTit,  of  the  shins  when  we  found  ourselves  lieuimed  in,  ami  re^- 
larly  stitched  to  the  spot  by  a  bold  black  letter  assertion,  tl»t  the  word 
naletot,  thotigh  "assumed  by  all"  is  the  exclusive  property  of  H.,  J., 
W.,  and  D., — somebody  or  other  who  aspire  at  the  West-end  to  the 
n^antlc  of  Moses.  If  some  of  the  real  obstructions  who  barricade  the 
streets,  with  their  monster  advertising  vans,  were  to  bo  walked  off  to 
the  Green  Yard,  the  effect  would  be  lo  give  a  freer  drculatton  to  this 
air  as  well  as  to  tlie  passages. 


A  GROWL  FROM  THE  BOUDOIR. 

*  R-R.R-K-B-OW ! 

"  SoMZBODY,  Mr.  FitHch,  liaa  boon 
writinglntcly  to  the  Morning  Postio  complain 
of  'ferocious  doira.'  The  grievance  of  tins  in- 
dividual is,  tliat  there  is  no  remedy  ag-ainst  a 
dog  till  a  person  has  been  bitten  by  him.  It 
is  rather  too  late  then,  I  know,  esperiallv  if 
the  uiUiaiypy  dog  is  mad ;  and  I  admit  that 
such  of  us  as  can't  keep  our  teeth  to  thera^ 
selves  ought  to  Iw  muzzled — so,  by  the  way, 
ought  some  bipeds  tlmt  I  have  hcAra  of,  But 
the  writer  in  Uie  J'ogi  would  lay  down  the 
cruel  dogma  that  dogs  should  be  puni.<4hed 
before  they  are  guilty.  The  iohunuu  dog- 
matist proposes  '  an  ejtnrmimititiff  tax '  on  ^ 
of  us,  ciccpt  those  keirt  for  some  'Mteniinlly 
tiMfiil  purpose,  and  even  then  under  proper  rcstrietiona.*  This  im- 
placnble  hostilitr  to  onr  race  seems  excited  by  what  our  enemy  calls 
Lue  bire  idea  ol  that  drea^f^  thinff^  hydrophobia*  From  thispendiar 
sort  of  phraseokigy,  and  from  its  having  boen  so  hlwmlly  underlined, 
I  conclude  that  the  writer  of  the  letter  is  a  fomole.  and  1  believe  I  know 


who  she  is.  She  sa^s  tlmt  she  and  her  family  iro  creeping  about  the 
house  in  fear  of  a  *  ferocious  beast '  kept  by  a  uuly  in  iier  house.  This 
is  evidently  the  language  of  some  old  woman:  tlmt  old  woman.  Sir, 
is  mv  mistress's  lanalaoy.  and  the  'ferocious  beast'  is  uo  other  tt;an 
poor  little  I,  commonly  called  'Piankt,'  bocaose 

"lam,  &c., 

"An  Isle  ot  Skye." 

"  P.S.  ToBV.  who  of  course  can  read  as  well  as  I,  is,  I  chitc  say,  in- 
dignant at  the  letter  in  the  Poid.    Give  my  love  to  Toby." 


Popularity  of  Lord  Ashley, 


I 


TiTB  country  is  not  aware  of  the  obligations  under  which  it  lira  to 
LoRi>  AsmjiY.  "Nonnmrs."  says  the  proverb,  "is  good  news;"  and 
accordingly  ulj  jwrsons  rceidinir  in  the  provinces  are  indeht^vi  lo  his 
Lordship  for  the  receipt  of  good  new*  regularly  every  Sunday  luoniing. 
It  must  be  ])artic:uUr)y  gratifying  to  ""-  '^  ^nx]Ous  to  hear  from 
relatives  Iving  on  the  bed  of  sickness  his  very  satisfactory 

intellii^eiioe.    so   mucii  so,   that  wo  i  that    Uie  amount  of 

blessings  invoked  by  \\\fu\  on  the  head  of  the  uuble  lord  in  the  fulness 
of  their  hearts  is  quit«  incredible. 


I 


PUNCa  OR  TPE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


31 


A     BIT     OF     MY     MIND. 


BIT  THE  TWELFTH. 


atruok  mf  with  a  stronger  ^h 
Vta  lold.  tlicv  know  how 
tbe  custom  ut  baiiibhiu^ 


MRS.  MOUBXB  OK  TOE  iUAUtfVL  TREATMKVT  Of  LADIKS  ATTKR  DIWER. 
■mi  AJ1C8B  AVn  THB  REVEDT. 

01»TE«rLATlN0     BO- 

ciety,  Mr.  PvNcn 
— whicli,  UB  aunt 
pEACotK  used  to 
ny  slic  considered 
to  oe  vcrj'  ^^^  a 
palchwttrk  ((uiit 
nuulr  by  a  nccdlc- 
woiimii,  without  a 
proper  eye  for 
matchinff  of  co- 
loura,  the  reds,  and 
the  bhies,  and  the 
yellows,  are  so 
mixed  np  with 
and  kill  thn  quii-t 
patterns,— in  con- 
T«mplatinfr,  I  say, 
socirty,  there  Is 
nothiiif?  tlint  liaa 
*>it — (for  in  Franc**, 
*Ls  women* — than 
>oin,  in  a  very  few 
minulfs  after  dinner :  as  if  wiiwUrvf^r  wiui  iulkati  ol  aflor  they  were  gone, 
was  of  too  high  aud  lofty  a  kind— "too  philosophic,  nnd  embradnur 
hubjeolA  loo  asthniatie,"  as  Mol'ser  once  said  to  nic. — when,  by  the 
way,  he  could  hardly  spotik  ten  words — "for  the  limiird  tawjc  of  the 
fcnmle  hrain."  And  so,  while  tlie  Lords  of  the  Creation  are  talking  of 
the  sIats,  and  the  tides^  jtcopraphy.  Mahonietanism — for  this  is  wliat 
MovsER  says— n&tural  lustory,  and  liic  like,  women  are  to  be  sent  away 
with  the  chUdren,  with  nothing  to  do  but  to  talk  to  tbcmsclres  in  the 
drawing-room. 

Not  tliat  they  always  will  talk.  It  was  only  lost  week  that  Mol'ser 
and  I  dined  with  the  Cbawtobm— fine  people ;  amiable  people,  with 
the  best  show  of  plate  of  auy  of  our  acquAintance.  Well,  the  dinner 
went  off  beautifully — I  neTer  eiijojcd  myself  more  out  in  my  life.  The 
party,  too,  was  so  genteel !  We  hod  the  cou.'^iu  of  tbe  gallant  Captaih 
Jingle,  who  bos  so  distin^ished  himself  in  India ;  the  oxvn  brother  of 
the  new  Bishop  of  Ilrlinoland ;  and  n  wliole  host,  as  Mouser  calls  *eni. 
of  notorieties ;  besides  Mr,  Si-iRT.  the  tnivcller — such  a  clever  creature ! 
— who's  been  all  round  the  plotjo,  with  nothing  but  a  tooth-bru^h,  a 
note-book,  and  a  complete  suit  of  striped  cotton.  Such  a  dear,  rattling 
fellow  !  t)id  so  make  us  laugh  with  nis  account  of  a  suttee,  when  the 
widow  insisted  upon  Iwing  burnt,  and — the  stupid  creature!  it  ser>*ed 
Iwr  quite  right  to  let  her  have  her  own  way — :ind  when  it  was  all  orer. 
how  ho,  Mb.  i>riRT,  said  it  lookrd  like  a  Gi'y  F.m'X  Ironfire,  tri/Aout 
tht  squibs!  The  brother  of  the  |li«<hop  of  Heligoland  was  to  l>c  sure, 
twy  higti  upon  the  matter.  "Tliat  voung  man" — said  the  Pi.sliop's 
ther  to  niTsi'lf — "that  young  man  lowers  CTerrtbing;  lie  would  trace 
■ftoaree  or  the  Nile  to  his  outi  mk-bottle,  win  let  down  the  Garden 
£drn  to  an  apple-stall."  I  couldn't  hut  agree  with  the  Bishop's 
ther;  nevertheless,  I  thought  Mr,  Spirt  one  of  the  most  pleasant 
creAtures  that  ever  lived !  Much  more  fiinny,  indcwi,  than  the  Bishop's 
Iwother  \ 

But  don't  let  me  forget  wlinl  I  began  with;  which  Is  the  savage 
custom  of  sending  away  ladies  from  tlic  dinner-table.  For  we  were  aU 
so  pleasant  at  tbe  Crawpou(«'  ;  the  gentlemen  delightful,  and,  I  must 
say  it,  the  huiies  bcarinp  their  part — some  of  'em,  perhaps^  over-acting 
it  a  little— bearing  their  jwirt  delightfully.  All  as  full  ol  smilns  and 
Bweelne^s — iia  ihe  Itibhop'h  Ijp.-iIkt  wbi.spcred  I-o  me — as  a  rose-garden. 
WcU,  the  horrid  minute  eaiue ;  Mi«.  Chawvord  swept  her  eyes  round 
tho  table,  looking  us  oQ'  our  olwin ;  and  tbe  Bishop*a  brother,  ruuuing 
to  the  door  to  open  it,  a.sked  "  if  they  wnai  lose  as  so  soon  P  " — and  let 
us  out. 

We  all  left  running  over  with  smiles,  and  rustled  our  way  up  stairs. 
Upoomy  woH  "-  ''■— *  -hrn  we  got  into  the  dm^-ing- room,  and 
took  our  seal-  i  ot  a  soul  we  'd  left  would  have  known 

us  Again!    K^:  i  i^'ht  have  stared  at  Ids  ovm  wife;  and 

for  myself— 1  couJeaa  ii— I  fulL  the  change.  There  wasn't  a  lady  of  the 
part? — aa  lor  Mks.  Craweorii  she  looked  on  a  sudden  frost-bit  from 
head  to  toe — nrit  a  woman  that  didn't  seem  as  she  'd  been  suddeidy 
iced  in  her  muslin  and  satin.  To  have  seen  us  smiling  and  sisarkliug 
as  we  went  out  of  the  dining-room  ;  and  agjun  to  have  seen  \e»  as  wc 
(flumprd — (I  don't  know  whether  there  ia  such  a  word;  but  if  there 
isn't  there  ought  to  he) — as  wc  glunified  in  the  dmwing-room,  nobody 
would  bavo  thought  m  the  same  delightful  cn-alures.  As  1  sav— aa  I 
0onfoM  myself— I  found  the  lUffereuoe.    1  conU  have  talked  tor  erer 


down  stairs,  and  on  a  sudden,  directlj  I  stepped  into  the  drawing-room,  I 
felt  in  a  hard  frost. 

Wcllf  we  all  drntped  somewhere :  all  silent  and  some  Barage.  Some 
got  to  Albums,  and  Books,  and  so  forth.  But  what's  Book*  (/  Bfauiif 
&  tw  women  (nnlcas.  indeed,  one  *9  own  picture  happens  to  be  in  'cm)  ? 
I  never  saw  a  book  of  ttie  sort  I  'd  give  a  pin  for.  And  so,  after  wc  'd 
rustled  and  rumpled  the  leaves,  and  that  for  the  most  port  in  the  most 
horrid  silence  that  I  ever  knew — except  now  and  then  tbera  was  such 
a  shout  of  laughter  down-stairs  that  made  one's  blood  boil  again,  and  I 
could  see  Mrs.  Crawtord  felt  so,  though  she  did  try  to  smile,  and  said 
more  than  once—'*  The  gentlemen  seem  to  do  very  well  without  us— it  'a 
pleasant  to  think  we  're  so  soon  forgot," — after  sitting  mum-chance  for 
about  an  hour,  Msa.  Crawtord.  in  a  desperate  moment,  as  1  verily 
believe,  to  do  something,  asked  that  dreadful  M  iss  Pbokt — (and  I  never 
meet  that  girl— girl !  she  *»  fuuraiid-thirty  at  least,  anywhere,  that  I 
don't  seem  to  smell  the  iioint)— asked  her  to  siiw  a  song,  and  my  blood 
went  colder  at  the  words.  In  a  moment,  and  before  she  was  well  aaked, 
Mws  Peony  was  dn-.v  ••  O"  'inno,  with  her  hands  out  for  miscliief. 
Of  course  we  had  tli;  ug— "  /  7/  wmr  oicn  mu  love  f  no— no 

—ftQ  I  "—with  that  d;  .     -ting  of  the  no— no — no,  like  the  rattling 

of  a  bunch  of  keys. 

Now,  1  put  it  to  vou,  3fr.  Pv«*A,as  a  person  knowing  human  nature, 
and  woman's  nature  to  boot,— wluit  pleasure^  what  interest  is  there, 
what  curiosity,  I  should  like  to  know,  can  there  be  in  eight  or  leu 
ladies  l)e.iug  made  to  listen  to  one  of  their  own  sex— (and  four-.ind-tliirty 
AS  I  said,  at  least,)  screaming  t.o  a  niano  that  she  won't  own  a  love,  that 
it's  very  well  known  she  never  bad,  and  if  she  had,  that  she  might 
advertise  it  in  the  Iformttff  Poxt,  and  nobody  care  a  button  alxml  it  V 

But  this  is  one  of  the  miseries  that  is  brought  upon  women  by  their 
being  packrdoff— banished  into  exile— 0.1  Mrs.Harbottlk  very  spiritedly 
observed,  whilst  men  are  " passing  the  ;)ort,"  as  tluy  call  it,  and  talking 
their  own  plulosophv,  and  giving  their  own  views  of  life,  as  Movser 
says,  in  the  dinin^-rdbm.  Now,  it's  a  verv  different  thing  when  a  lady 
sings  a  love-song  m  a  mixed  oompany.  "That,"— aa  Mjis.  Harbottlk 
said  to  me— "that  is  a  magnetic  relation  which  comnmnieatea  with  the 
latent  sjmpatbics  of  people;  ond  everybody— or  at  least  every  other 
Ijody— takes  an  interest  in  it  umn  their  own  account."— which  1  thought 
very  deeplv,  and  very  beautifnllv  said.  AndMss.  llARaoTiLK  was  gomg 
on,  when  there  was"  another  sliout  in  the  room  below  that,  upon  my 
word  almost  shook  us  off  our  chairs  again.  .,1. 

^Vhereupon  Mks.  Craweord,  with  a  cutting  smde  observed-  the 
gentlemen  seem  enjo)"ing  their  philosophy."  And  then  she  niadean 
angry  snatch  at  the  bell,  and  1  couldu't  wonder  at  it— for  we'd  been 
waiting  an  hour — and  said  to  the  scnant  when  he  cmue — "  Kobert, 
give  mv  compliments,  miud,  my  compliments  to  your  maste:r,  and  ask 
him  if  the  Indies  mav  hope  to  sec  him  before  they  go  home."  Kobert 
left  the  room ;  and  &1rs.  CRAwroan  smiled  at  all  of  ua,  and  of  course 
we  sniUed  again,  supporting  her.  ,     _.  .  ,.        , 

"  Huab,"  said  Mao.  Cr.\w  ford,  and  we  bst^ened.  Tlic  man  debvered 
bu  message:  there  could  he  no  doubt  of  that:  and  Craweord— as 
MorsER  confessed  to  mc— delivered  it  to  the  eomiiany  afterwwda  •  for 
there  was  another  shout  of  laughter  that,  osMrs.  I1akiioiti.e  declared, 
and  OS  I  myself  fell,  was  positively  an  insult  1    A  defying  insult ' 

It  was  another  houi 
women,  were  left  alone 

Jfr. /ViwA,  how  dull  we  ' , ._    ^  . 

we  were  two  houre— two  hours  wrecked,  as  Mbs.  Harbottle  prcttUy 
expressed  herself,— wrecked  upon  the  squabs  and  sofas  of  Mas.  Craw- 
ford's drawing-room,  ... 

And  now,  Mr.  J^nneA,  hi  mc  suggest  a  remedy  for  this.  A  remedy 
that  shall  make  men  in  their  own  deCelice,  cither  insist  upon  our  re- 
maining at  the  tabic  till  they  rise  themselves— or  that  sliall  make  them, 
like  needles  to  the  pole,  immediately  come  after  us  up  stajrs.  My 
remedy  is  thi.s:—  ,»,,., 

Gentlemen  "  take  ladies  down."  I  propose  that  ladiea  should  tako 
gentlemen  up,"  and  in  this  way.  ' 

Let  it  be  the  business  of  every  lady  taken  down  by  a  gentleman  to 
moke  herself  acquainted  with  all  his  faults;  faults  of  looks;  faults  of 
manner ;  faults  of  every  sort  that  can  bo  socn  in  him  or  made  for  him. 
Then,  when  the  hulies  arc  sent  away  by  themselves,  k't  them  put 
together  all  they've  thought  of  '^inst  the  gentlemen  who  took  cm 
down— nnd  throwing  the  collection  ui  a  commou  stock,  make  the  most 

of  it.  .     , .  ,  11. 

I  'U  be  bound,  Mr.  Punrh^  that  if  this  was  done,  we  women  should 
pass  the  time  in  the  drawing-room  a  little  more  plcaoantly  than  wc  're 
doora'd  to  now— sitting,  abnost  sajing  notbing^with  the  Further  aggra- 
vation of  biughter  down  stairs.  „    1    1 

When  the  grntlemeu  felt  that  all  their  faults  were  being  talked  about, 
and  made  more  of ;  when  they  felt  that  every  lady  taken  down,  had  in 
return,  taken  a  gentleman  up,— when,  in  a  word,  oil  the  geutlcmcn  felt 
certain  that  there  was  nothing  beside  going  on.  but  that  they  were  bcmg 
picked  to  bits  in  the  drawing-room,  woiJdn't  they,— m  a  mmute,  oome 
up  stairs ;  if  only  to  look  after  the  pieces  ? 

Youra,  truly, 


Tis  positively  an  uismi  1    a  aeiying  msuii : 
^another  hour  by  the  time-piece— that  wc,  poor 
.ue  to  our  own  resources,  and  you  may  judge, 
ve  were,  before  the  gentlemen  joined  us.    >Vhy 


1 
I 

4 


4 


TXf  Uoii0>^imekk». 


'S^^^iCk'v- 


THE  TALKING  ELMS;   OB,  THE  HAMADRYADS 
or  HIDE  PABK. 


Sfe 


"  Oh,  Elms,  whose  green  from  summcr'a  glare 

The  Knightsbridge  road  relieves, 
Punch  questions  yon,  and  answer  fair. 

Craves  of  you,  by  your  leaves. 

"  Say,  Elms,  why  my  Lobd  SETMOxm  came, 

And  with  official  phlegm. 
Marked,  in  the  Woods  and  Forests*  name. 

The  white  cross  on  each  stem  ? 

"And  tell  us  all  that  you  have  seen 

Since  great  Achilles  rose, 
"Who  towers  so  tall  above  the  green, 

And  is  so  short  of  clothes  P 

"And  if  you  think  the  Iron  Duke, 

Who's  set  up  over  there. 
The  ugliest  thing  that  we  mav  look 

To  see,  here  or  elsewhere? 

"Oh,  PkiwA,  you  know  in  ancient  days, 

ATmrnadryad  came 
To  life  with  every  tree,  always, 

And  it  is  still  the  same. 

"  And  Hamadryads  of  the  Park 

Wc  are  that  talk  to  you ; 
And.  as  we  cannot  bite,  we  bark— 

'lis  all  our  barks  can  do. 

"For  every  cross— Oh,  sorry  hap ! — 

A  lifeless  trunk  must  roll ; 
No  wonder  it  congeals  the  sap 

That  mantles  in  each  bole. 

"With  us  young  Elms,  whate'cr  they  please, 

The  Woods  and  Forests  dare ; 
But  wc  have  old  and  sturdy  trees — 

Of  whom  they  'd  best  beware. 

"  The  Hamadryad  of  that  tough 

And  gnarled  bush  of  broom. 
Will  speak  his  mind  out,  plain  enough, 

'Ere  he  submit  to  doom. 

"And  there's  the  Hamadryad  keen. 

Of  that  old  kernel  tree. 
Stripped  of  his  leaves  of  Lincoln  green, 

Wul  ne'er  consent  to  be. 

"  You  ask  me  what  I  *ve  seen,  since  first 

Achilles  dared  to  show — 
I  've  seen  a  generation  pass 

Awar  through  Rotten  Kow. 


"  How  oft  my  happy  shade  has  hung 
Boimd  dainty  waists  and  trim. 

How  oft  my  saucy  light  been  flung 
Under  the  beaver's  brim, 

"  To  kiss  bright  eyes  that  now  are  dark, 

And  light  up  many  a  smile 
Tliat.  in  those  days,  fired  every  spark 

Wlio  paced  the  Lady's  Mile. 

"  How  oft  I  've  watched  sweet  faces,  wan 

With  midnight  rout  and  ball. 
Here  gather  roses,  trotting  on. 

And  looking  love  to  all. 

"  And  serious  statesmen  I  have  seen 

Upon  their  cobs  sedate. 
Here  take  the  air,  and  muse  serene, 

Upon  the  night's  debate. 

"  Workmen  with  wives  and  kids  have  sat 

Beneath  my  kindly  shade, 
And  drank  their  beer  and  had  tlicir  cha^^ 

"When  holiday  they  made. 

"  Such  sights  no  more  shall  greet  my  eye ; 

To  make  a  site.  I  fall ; 
To  die,  is  hard ;  but  now  to  die. 

Is  liardest  fate  of  all. 

"  Now,  that  the  world  its  treasure  brings 
From  North,  South,  East,  and  West, 

And  with  a  friendly  greeting  flings 
The  store  in  England's  breast. 

"  My  sisters  live  to  see  the  show. 
From  mine,  and  forge,  and  loom. 

But  o'er  my  place  the  turf  will  grow, 
Feet  will  be  on  my  tomb. 

"  But  tell  them,  Fnneh — for  it  is  true— 

'Ere  on  tlieir  plan  they  fix — 
They  might  make  glass  and  iron  do. 

Eschewing  lime  and  bricks. 

"  So  o'er  my  green  and  happy  grave. 

Might  sparkle  to  the  sky, 
A  mausoleum  broad  and  brave, 

A  glory  to  the  eye '" 


LEGAL  CHANGES. 

Thb  new  arrangements  in  Ihe  higher  departments  of  Westminster 
Hall,  will  materially  affect  the  position  of  several  other  members  of  the 
Bar,  whose  names  have  not  been  mentioned  in  connection  with  the 
more  important  changes.  The  very  proper  elevation  of  Sib  Johk 
Jervis  to  the  Bench,  will  leave  a  vacancy  Tor  another  Queen's  Cotmsd 
in  the  first  row,  and  thus  an  opening  will  be  afforded  to  Ma.  Bbxetlbss 
which  will  materially  alter  his  views ;  for,  by  the  gap  that  will  be  left^ 
he  will  be  able  to  see  his  way  to  the  Bench,  which,  as  long  as  another 
learned  gentleman  sat  immediately  before  him,  was  quite  impossibles. 
The  other  changes  consequent  on  the  alteration  with  regard  to  the 
Great  Seal,  will  place  the  small  wafers  at  the  disposal  of  Ma.  Dmiup,  for 
he  will  now  be  able  to  sit  nearer  the  centre  of  the  back  row,  where  the 
little  wafer-box— for  the  general  use  of  Junior  Counsel— will  be  directly 
under  his  fingers. 

It  is  rumoured  throughout  Westminster  Hall  that  both  our  learned 
friends.  Ma.  BaraPLESS  and  Ma.  Dttnup,  are  looking  forward  with  the 
sanguine  hope  of  eventually  attaining  to  the  high  omce  of  "  Keeper," 
and  that  they  are  endeavouring  to  qualify  for  the  post  by  the  moot 
energetic  efforts  to  "  keep  "  themselves. 

Ma.  DuNUP  has,  it  is  stMed,  made  some  inquiries  preliminary  to  aa 
application  for  the  coif,  which  cannot  be  assumed  without  an  expense  of 
several  hundred  pounds.  The  learned  gentleman,  it  is  believed,  will 
propose  to  take  the  coif  by  instalments  of  fifty  pounds  per  term ;  and 
if  his  proposition  is  acceded  to,  he  will  give  rings  with  the  motto, 
"  Vestigia  nulla  retr&rsum"  or,  in  other  words,  "  What 's  done,  or  who- 
ever is  done,  it  can't  be  undone." 


A  saint  POa  THE  SABBATAaiAMS. 


Saint  Dominic,  for  it  is  given  in  the  Life  of  that  arch-asceti&  thai; 
when  a  babe  at  the  breast,  he  vigorously,  resolutely  Tcfused--(as  oatm 
icill  refuse  when  they  are  detennined) — refused  to 'suck  on  SondftTB  \ 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Sit 


STANDING  FOR  A  SEAT  IN  PABLIAMENT. 

It  seems  tliat  there  are  only 
seaU  for  three  hundred  mem- 
bers in  tie  New  ilousc  of 
Commons,  whereas  six  hun- 
dred at  least  are  rcijuired. 
This  deficiency  of  accommo- 
dation, however,  can  easily 
be  ovcreome.  Wo  arc  always 
enjoined  to  rise  "with  every 
diuiculty,  so  we  propose  thai 
Ba^jf  Jumpen  be  provided  for 
thofe  who  kaw  no  tea(»:  and 
if  that  is  not  rising  with  a 
dilSctUtr,  we  do  not  know 
what  ift ! 

WJienevcr  a  member  (the 
Member  for  Ajt,  suppose  we 
Kiy)  wanted  to  '*  occupy  the 
floor"  of  the  House,  I  he 
Serjeant-at-Arms  would  take 
Iiim  off  tbe  hooka,  and  hook 
liim  up  again  as  soon  as^  he 
had  finuhcd.  A  new  appoint- 
ment woold  have  to  be  made 
— "  The  Silver  Uook  in  M'oiting.**  We  hardly  know  how  the  members 
sitting  tindenieoth  wotdd  like  this  new  arrauffcmcnt.  For  instance, 
ve  cannot  imagine  it  would  be  very  pleasant  to  the  feelings  of  Lord 
JoB3i,  when  UB  waa  making  a  long  spei'ch,  to  know  that  Dijiraeu 
was  nanging  otgt  his  head,  ready,  the  moment  he  hod  finiiihed^  to 
'*idrop  into  him." 

But  then,  again,  the  plan  would  be  attended  with  certain  convo- 
nienecs ;  for  bow  easy  it  would  be  for  Lob-d  Joun,  if  ho  felt  DjsiUKiJ 
(or  nprsB  BENiAUiN,  as  he  must  be  called  after  his  new  elcrntion)  tuul 
taken  the  unfair  advantage  of  him,  to  rise,  oa  'soon  as  }ic  had  rcsuxacd 
his  seat  in  his  Baby  Jumper,  and  gently  *'  pull  him  down,"  so  saving 
himself  and  the  House  the  fatigue  of  another  Lung  spccdi. 

Wo  ho|M!  to  hear  of  an  parly  sitting  being  appointed  to  try,  in  a  fidl 
bous^  this  exi)eriment  of  ihu  Baby  Jumpers;  u  three  hundred  are  run 
up,  we  should  say  it  would  be  snOlcicnt. 


CANNIBALISM  IN  THE  ARMY. 

We  have  heard  occaaionally  of  awful  scenes  on  lioard  shin  when  prx)- 
visions  ran  short,  but  really  we  can  find  no  rscuae  for  the  state  of 
things  dimly  shadowed  forth  in  the  following  adveriisemcut  which  hitcly 
appeared  in  the  Tiiu^s  ncwsp.ipcr  :— 

"  MMmwii  WKRted  for  a  CnraliT  Rcrimcral  Qatrtered  la  Eoglud.  lie  muit  bo  k 
pcnoa  wUliont  •ocumbranee,  wuo  oookb  uixasLr  I " 

We  ask  the  reader,  is  there  not  something  frightfid  in  the  very  idea 
of  a  man  cooking  himself,  and  dors  it  not  suggest  the  still  more  awful 
question — when  he  has  cooked  himself  who  is  to  eat  him  ?  Humanity 
snudders,  the  blood  turus  to  curd  in  the  middle  of  its  way.  the  heart 
takes  a  pantomimic  leap  into  the  mouth,  and  the  brain  commences  a 
reel  at  the  bare  supposition  of  a  measman  "  cooking  liimself,"  and  the 
stipulation  that  he  muut  be  witliout  encumbrance  adds  to  the  horror  of 
the  suggestion,  for  it  shows  that  an  act  is  contempUted,  which  might 
leave  a  wife  and  fumily  dewlato. 

We  know  that  ihc  epicure,  or  rather  the  proumiaiid,  will,  by  excessive 
indulgence  so  vitiate  his  taste  and  destroy  his  appetite,  that  something 
extraordinary  will  be  required  to  rouse  his  d^ened  powers  of  cpjoying 
food  of  the  customary-  kind ;  but  this  advertisement  for  a  "messraan 
who  cooks  himself,  is  on  outrage,  not  only  on  the  best,  but  on  the 
second  best  (and  we  might  even  add  the  cvery-day  suit  for  common 
wear),  feelings  of  ournat  lire.  We  wonder  that  the  advertisement  did 
not  add  an  intimation  that  **  the  messmaa  must  be  in  quarters  a  week 
before  he  begins  to  cook  himself." 

It  b  to  be  hoped  that  tlir  War-Office  will  inquire  into  the  circum- 
stances of  this  case,  for  the  "  Cavalry  Ri^jiment "  has  something  dread- 
fully wrong  in  either  it*  humanity  or  its  gnunmar.  AVhcreverlhc  fault 
lies  it  ought  to  be  corrected. 


MAKRIAOE. — The  AdTcrtiser  (a  rich  bwrbclor,  wbow  puipwly  h  qnitc 
int<dd,  becauM  tba  aaumal  ba*  uenr  baaa  mentlnned  to  any  out)  oflim  u> 
marrr  tteontUialof  SoTis'B  Aiwjev^.  In  tba  event  sFtbaynakorfBtnal  bring  kwt, 
he  wlU  be  happy  to  take  the  rmr  beit  eopy  cxtam.  She  mut  prare  her  ecmpetener 
la  cvflfx  article  of  knovlodge  oonUtned  In  that  grtat  atora-roont  of  female  edueatton, 
and  miul  be  vol!  gratiiid«d  in  all  fynSga  aceompUabmenta,  f  uob  ai  FrBnofa  Saaces, 
BvlBiCoafwtionerT.  IlaUan  Creami,  ai  veU  aa  Um  Tarleiu  c^t^-<emira  from  Boln^a. 
WeiUhhatel,  Parmeaan.  PMgord,  and  Straabourg.  The  adrcttlBer  miut  bare  the 
enertoAlty,  befora  be  aocopta  the  young  Udy'i  hand,  of  teetlns  tta  Ugbtnen  to 
meklBff  plM  ud  mddlnsa.  Yoaag  Ladiu  InLendinr  to  eomiwli^  mat  forwanl  tbdr 
the  -    -  -    .     . 


(marked 
KIM,  aeoo: 
wlah  to  tendw  ae  ipedmau  tt  Ibair 


...  '  Gaostn  "  In  the  eoraer),  to  the  Teatrr-Clerk  of 

BL  Qtors^Uf  Buttorei^aam,  aeoompanled  by  a  Hit  of  the  rartooi  awtt  vlUdi  tbeT 
'  '   lUlL-N.B.  A  BoUed  Potato  JodlipcnBable. 


THE  REPUBLIC  POUR  HIRE. 

Ip  it  is  tme  that  "noU""-' ^  ■"- 'kc  ridicule,"  tho  French  Republic 
must,  by  this  time,  be  \  .1,  for  although  the  upsetting  of 

dynasties,  thrones,  and  •  s  nui^it  penomlly  bo  rt^dcd  as 

"no  joke,"  there  never  wi-  ,  -  i  i  u  m -n-  imiversally  langhca  at,  both 
at  home  and  abroad,  tlinn  /  /' ,  ^  ,  I'mtu^avtr.  It  is  burlesqued  on 
the  stage^  BquiblH-d  \i\  the  [Ttsh.  nirirai urcd  in  the  shops,  and  quixaed 
rvcrrwhcTC.  For  some  tiJiic  there  was  a  show  of  outward  resnect  for 
it  within  the  door«  of  the  Assmiuhly,  but  now  the  Republic  has  Dceoma 
one  of  the  standing;  jokes  of  those  men  who  are  enlmstod  with  making 
itb  Uws  and  carrviug  on  its  government.  A  few  davs  ago  the  Member 
of  Justice  termed  the  whole  concern  a  "catastrophe^  amid  the  upplause 
of  all  but,  a  few,  who,  whcu  they  allcmpted  tfl  vmdicale  tlie  di/nutv  of 
the  Republic^  were  met  with  shouts  of  Inujrhter,  as  if  the  idea  of  tliere 
beJugauy  thing  respectable  or  agreeable  in  the  new  order  of  things, 
was  one  of  the  wildest  vagaries  that  an  iU-rcgulated  brain  could  have 
wandered  into. 

The  Assembly  was.  in  fact,  thrown  into  a  state  of  coatcmptuouK 
lilkrity  by  every  effort,  at  expostulation  against  the  word  "  catastrophe  " 
hn^'ing  been  applied  to  the  revolution,  and  when  an  iiisigniHeant  little 
knot  of  avowed  Republicans  threatened  to  resign,  the  guffaws  were 
loud  and  general,  'fhc  ouly  wonder  nnw  is,  Iiow  loug  the  French  will 
put  up  wiih  a  system  lluit  one  and  all  rcpudiute.  A  joke's  a  joke,  but 
no  farce  ought  to  be  allowed  to  hisfc  too  loug,'nnd  if,  therefore,  the 
French  mean  to  have  a  form  of  govcruracnt  intended  for  other  purposes 
than  to  bo  jeered  at  in  even*  po-ssibh*  maimer,  the  sooner  thev  t>et  about 
it  the  better  it  will  be  for  llicir  iiitcrejit,  as  well  as  for  their  aignity. 


THE  C0NYIOT8  GASTRONOMIC  REGENERATOE. 

HZRK  is  something  quite  gmti^^g  to  see  what 
advances  humanity  and  civilisation  arc  making  in 
prison-discipline.  The  IfampaAin  Indepeiiaent 
contains  the  subjoined  interesting  statements  : — 

"  V.J  the  cqadlUooa  attached  to  the  eootiwti  for  lapplrlng 
proTliloaa,  Ac^  for  the  uae  of  the  coorlcts  on  boaid  the  bulka 
at  rortinnmith,  we  peroBlre  that  the  prcMriilori  are  req:iired 
tn  be  of  a  much  uiperlor  chanetn  to  ihoM  wbkh  two-UUrde 
of  the  popcOatlon  e/  theM  ixnrm  are  able>  pn>enr»— th«y  are. 
Indeed,  raQUlnd  to  be  of  the  very  boRt  rnialftia  It  !■  poMalble 
for  evim  a  tnidmnan  or  a  man  of  afflueaoe  to  procon  for 
hlmMlf.  Tbc  boaf  mait  be  '  ffood  ox  or  heifer,  loond,  aweeL 
and  rruh  (btiH.  oov,  or  lUff,  wlU  not  be  reo^ved),  In  tan  and 
hind  qamrton  &ILemat«l7,'  .  .  .  The  mntlon,  too,  mnit  be 
'  thfl  bett  Tfitber  mattoo,  to  be  anppUed  tn  eqaal  proportlona 
of  fore  and  hind  qnarten;'  and  Uie  bread  bo  *  tbo  beat  vhaaten.'" 

Our  Southampton  contemporary  grumbles  a  little—not,  perhaps,  with- 
out  some  show  of  reason— at  rogue^i  and  lliicves  beiiiff  suppljeti  with 
better  food  than  honest  luinl-workinp  men  can  cam ;  ami  remarks  how 
hard  the  doctnrd  labourer,  in  particuUr.  must  think  it  that  the  con- 
vict in  the  hn&s  ftires  better  tliau  liimself.  This  is  a  slight  anomolv, 
no  doubt ;  but  the  phikMOphy  of  criminal  reformation  obliges  us  not  to 
mind  it.  It  has  been  estabhshcd  by  scientitic  research,  that  all 
Dudiciousness,  ferocity,  dLihoncsty,  seroundrelism.  rascality,  and  the 
like  weaknesses  of  character,  are  "  vices  of  the  blood,"  to  use  a 
Shaksfearuv  term ;  or  arise  from  "  bad  blood/'  as  we  say  commonly. 
Hence  the  reformatory  process  must  commence  with  the  purification  of 
that  (liiid.  whose  vicious  condition  is  the  primary  cause  of  crime.  Ihe 
mind  dcptmds  on  the  body ;  the  body  is  continually  undergoing  a  proMss 
of  waste  and  repair  j  change  a  rogue's  diet  for  the  better  for  a  sufficient 
length  of  lime,  and  vou  renovate  the  whole  man.  Indeed,  something 
more  ivf/Sercir  than  plain,  wholesome,  bread  and  meat  should  be  the 
dietary  of  gaols,  to  product-  a  thorough  refinement  of  their  inmatca. 

SI.  DOVER  ought  to  be  employed  to  invent  a  system  of  prison  cookery, 
adapted  to  the  criminal  stoumch.  There  ought  to  be  bcn^fa  la  Penton- 
ciiU;  coteUftfx  a  la  Milbank ;  tottpg  au  lait  a  la  Parkhurtt.  Newgate 
should  have  its  hon  d'ceuvre4 ;  the  Compter  its  tmircmets.  Tlic  earte 
should  include  nd*/A  HAjoie  prat  a  la  Coldbaih  Field^^  and  vol^u-vnt  a  la 
Hor9fmomfcr  Law.  The  connection  between  cnroe  and  the  nso  of 
intoxicating  liquors  being  notorious,  the  bcvnmges  of  the  prisoners 
should  bolimited  to  liht  French  or  Rhine  winca,  with  now  and  then, 
perhaps,  a  glass  or  so  of  old  dry  port. ,     , .    .  ,  .        ,     , , 

To  complete  this  pUn  of  correction  by  kindness,  the  convicts  should 
be  employed  in  light  elegant  task-work,  alternating  with  amusen^nte. 
The  female  culpnta  should  be  occupied  with  crochet  instead  of  o^nm- 
picking ;  the  men  employed  in  copying  document*,  or  making  drawings ; 
the  intervals  of  labour  being  occupied  by  light  readinc.  or  by  smgiiw  m 
cUsses,  superintended  by  competent  persons  i*  -'d    by  Auu 

UlTLlAU.     Walking  exeroise  should  l*  taken  img  on  the 

prison  lawn ;  nnd  about  twice  a  week  the  dny  ?Lv.uni  ,  .u..;.!*!';  with  an 
evening  pariv,  at  which  the  gentlemen  luid  i.vbcs  of  the  neighbourhood 
might  "be  inVilcd  to  assist ;  and  in  order  to  the  due  observwicc  of  the 
proprieties  of  the  Polka,  a  slight  addition  should  be  made  to  the  Ctmnty 
rate,  in  order  to  provide  the  convicts  with  whit<  kid  gloves. 


You  X1X-— 13.in. 


^^«C\V 


StceU im Boraedarl:  "Wilt,  CiUJiLrT,  wuat's  tue  sutter,  old  Bot?    You  seem  out  op  srniiTs." 
SwllimFooi,  "Ail!   I'vs  bad  a  sad  losSj  F&edI   I 'ye  lost  thk  utile  Geidiiio'  an  ut  CuAtelaimeI 


THE  GREAT  CLOCK  CASE  AGAIN. 

Evert  owe  will  admit  that  howCT'cr  Heroes  or  Statesmen  may 
illustrate  the  age  in  whicli  they  live,  we  must  trust  to  tho  clocks 
to  mark  thc!  present  lijne.  Fur  this  reason  we  mast  censure  the 
nepiect  Hint  is  ^ilox^^l  towards  Ihc  clorku  rif  our  own  dar, — a  class 
cnntaiuiug  some  l*ri;<htfid  instances  of  irrcfirularity,  and  giving  evidence 
of  hours  untold,  of  works  unprotitablc,  ami  of  idle  hftnits.  AVc  nave  been 
in  the  habit  of  Dhiming  tho  clocks  themselves  for  these  erratic  waj-s. 
but  we  Imve  now  loo  much  reason  to  believe  that  they  have  suffered 
from  other  bad  bands  besides  their  own^  und  tlmt  (bey  Iiave  been  fre- 
nuentlv  the  vicliuis  of  asystem  over  wlncJi  they  have  iiad  no  control. 
The  following  extracts  from  ft  newspaper  of  recent  date,  will  at  all 
events  vindicate  all  the  barrack  clocks  in  the  kingdom  from  the  char^ 
of  irregnlarity,  and  will  exphtin  how  it  is  that  there  are  so  many 
miUlary  dials  without  a  civU  tongue  to  tcU  us  the  time : — 

"  riDrsKMHKiiT  RmmcoKKKT.— Amoug^otberOoremBciit  'mtIus*,'  an  ftidw  luia 
iMrn  iBBuM  to  the  rutou  bamclu  Ut  ftup  kH  iwptnle  kllowKDeoi  for  vlodiDg  ujt  ili« 
dockfl.  In  eonaoqamce,  this  duty  ut  the  Pulwoud  R«rrMk«  will  heraiAia-  bo  tnuj«- 
fmrni  from  Mk.  StnnoK,  cXatkmakwr,  to  tho  buncfc-muter.  Tim  laTliig  li  tttx^ut 
£Q  tryu." 

Wlicn  the  ^ings  on  or  stoppings  still  of  a  clock  are  deitcndent  upon 
new  uud  untncd  arrangements  for  somebody  or  other  to  wind  it  up,  we 
cannot  be  surpriseij  that  its  proeccdiniBrs  arc  as  uncertain  as  tho  wind. 
As  military  tune  is  always  ten  miuutes  in  ad\'anoe  of  any  other,  a 
barraok-mnstcr  who  has  the  cliarire  of  a  clock  will  naturally  bo  for  ever 
erring,  "  forwards,"  but  "  right  face"  will  never  be  a  direction  appU- 
cablo  to  a  clock  whose  face  is  never  ri^ht  but  always  wronff.  We 
ounot,  cither,  expect  the  nicety  of  touch  in  a  barrack-master  which  we 
look  for  in  a  watclimakcr,  and  when  a  militaiv  hand  pcrfonns  the 
delicate  task  of  winiUng,  we  may  often  exnect  to  near  of  an  unfortunate 
clock  liiint;  severely  wounded  by  having?  Ven  over-wound.  Wc  shall 
not  be  »iurprised  if  we  find  the  majority  of  barrack  clocks  standing  at 
case  half  ttieir  time,  now  that  the  akill  required  to  regulate  them  is 
withdrawn. 


THE  WORSHIPFUL  Mli.  JOHN  KETCH. 

WiTEREAS  the  House  of  Commons  luis  once  more  reiccted  Ma. 
EwATiT's  motion  for  llie  abolitiou  of  capital  punisUment,  mul  1ms  deter- 
mined on  rctainmg  the  iwnalty  of  dcatli;  and  whereas  the  House  of 
Commons  can  sanction  nothing  odious,  and  whereas  it  is  not  odioua 
to  carry  that  which  is  not  odioua  into  effect,  and  whereas,  therefore,  the 
olfion  of  Execntioner  is  not  odious : 

Notice  is  hereby  given,  that  Mr.  Pttnch  will  move,  in  his  phicc  in 
Parliament,  at  the  earliest  cpporttinitv,  "That  it  is  the  opinion  of  this 
House  that  the  dislike  with  wluch  an  Executioner  is  popularlv  rcgxtrded 
iirisesfrom  some  pen'crted  feeling  in  huioan  nature  contradiciory  to  the 
feelings  of  tliis  House;  and  that  the  vocation  of  a  hangman  is  a  uscfid  and 
honourable  calling.  And  this  Houseisfurthcrofopiniontbalthciuck-name 
of  Jack  K^tch  commonly  applied  to  the  Finislicrof  the  Ijiw  is  ndurious 
und  innidttng  not  only  lo  that  Ofliccr  himself,  but  to  the  Wisdom  of 
Parliament.  Aiid  this  House  resolves  that  the  said  Officer,  lustc^d  of 
Iif  irijc  ralltd  Jack  K  etch,  ought  respectfully  to  be  at)  li-d  Mk.  Calcrajt. 
ur  whatever  cbe  bis  proper  name  maybe,  and  held  in  all  due  esteem  ana 
consideration  accordingly.** 


The  Alarming  Sacrifice  of  Hyde  Park. 

"  DoAVK  with  your  dual !  "  is  the  appeal  of  the  Commiasionors  of  the 
Exhibition  of  Industry  of  all  Natioiw.  The  entreaty  will  be  echoed  by 
the  London  public,  resorting  for  air  and  exercise  to  Hyde  Park,  when 
the  multitude  viith  which  it  will  Im;  crowded  shall  liave  worn  its  turf 
awav,  and  pulverised  its  sod.  By-the-bye,  why  should  the  turf  of  Hyde 
Park  be  wasted  P  jVs  it  must  inevitably  be  walked  off.  why  not  cut  it, 
and  sell  it.  and  let  the  pnjceeds  ao  in  aid  of  the  Exhibit:  '^  '  we 
fear,  is  noi  supported  with  thr  lilxmlity  a  project  so  laiM  i  !f 

deserves.-yflwmg,  no  doubt,  to  tbeobstmute  disrcpird  of  p ^  .mun 

shown  by  its  promoters  in  their  determination  to  inflict  this  preposterous 
building  on  tnc  Park. 


4 


I 


» 


AbT  Friday,  there  appeared  iii  the 
papers  a  report  of  tUc  proceedinEs  in 
ouc  of  the  Equity  Courts,  \vljicli 
would  r«dly  bave  nmde  aii  aamind)lc 
scene  in  u  farce  or  comedy  of  (be  old 
school,  where  a  testy  guardian  in  a 
Court  suit,  a  coaclun&n's  irig^  and  a 
gold-headed  bludgeon,  is  rcfnsmg  the 
request  of  a  romnijij^  young  ward 
in  a  pink  sash,  a  wmte  moslin  frock, 
and  a  lujturiaut  head  of  corkscrew 
curls,  for  which  she  is  indebted  aomc- 
what  to  Nature,  and  aix-andaixpence 
to  tlie  barber.  The  Court  of  Chance  ry» 
as  evcryboiiy  knows,  has  a  quantity 
of  wards  over  whom  it  does  not  always  exercise  immediate  personal 
control  But  the  scene  to  which  we-  have  alluded  woiUd  seem  to  show 
that  Equity  is  resolved  to  play  the  "  cross  old  guardy"  to  the  life,  ou 
oU  future  occasions. 

An  application  was  made  to  one  of  the  vicc-ChancellorB  to  aUow  a 
young  My— a  ward  in  Chancery— to  go  to  Boulogne  during  the  summer, 
Dutthc  guardian  would  not  accede  to  the  proposal,  from  the  lips  of  couusdI 


price  of  ^lartmeats  at  Boulogne,  and  thus  the  refusal  may  proceed  from 
motives  of  economy ;  but,  at  oil  events,  we  dare  say  there  were  very 
good  reasons  for  the  determination  come  to  bv  the  Vicc-Cluincellor. 

We  are  only  afraid  that  if  the  iMUt  of  guardian  is  played  so  resolutely 
upon  the  Bench,  we  shall  be  seeing  a  parcel  of  sluttish  young  ladies 
topping  into  the  Courts  of  Chancery,  and  endeavouring  to  wheedle 
their*  croaa  old  guardv/'  by  chucking  one  of  their  Lordfihips,  or  their 
Honours,  coaiingly  under  the  clmL  and  entreating  him  in  the  usual 
farce  phraseology,  to  be  "  a  good  kind  guardy  pardy,  and  let  his  little 
wardy  pawdy  go  in  the  Uttle  boaty  poaty,  over  to  Francev  pancey." 

Though  their  liOrdshipa  and  their  Honours  mar  be  able  peremptorily 
and  bluntly  to  resist  the  formal  applications  of  Ma.  Humdeuii,  Q.C., 
or  MissBS.  Blunueb,  Thtjudee,  or  Dhndee,  of  the  outer  bar,  we  are 
afraid  that,  should  any  of  the  yoimg  hidies  themselves  appear  in  propria 
orrfomf  to  urge  their  own  suits,  wo  may  occasionally  bear  an  undignified 
''Whew !  you  insinuating  little  bwgage,"  chuckled  from  tlie  Bench, 
aocompaiiicd  by  an  intuniuion,  that  the  coaxing  little  Lussey  must  have 
an  order  as  prayed." 

STRANGE  LIXENESS  BETWEEN  THE  OLD  BAILEY  AND 
THE  OPERA. 

A  CoaaE5K)KDEKT  of  the  Tim^a  complains  that  he  was  refused  nd- 
nussion  to  the  Old  Bailey,  because  he  would  not  pay  one  shUling  at  the 
doors.  The  figure  of  Justice  is  generally  represented  with  a  pair  of 
s^Ues  in  its  hand.  At  the  Old  Bailey  these  scales  must  be  for  tlie 
purpose  of  weighing  the  money,  to  see  whether  it  is  light,  or  of  the 
proper  leg^  weight ;  or  jwrhaps  tliey  may  be  used  to  regulate  the  scale 
of  admission.  In  fact,  a  strange  likeness  may  be  traced  betweru  the 
Old  Bailey  and  the  Opera  in  more  features  than  one.  For  inalauce, 
when  there  is  sooie  very  peat  attraction.  Fashion  and  the  Nobility 
resort  there,  with  their  kid-giovcs  and  Opera-glasse^,  to  watch  the 
performances,  and  a  scat  in  tlie  gallery  rises  in  value  in  tbo  same  pro- 
portion as  a  stall  at  Her  Majsty's  Theatre  on  a  Jennt  Lhtd  night. 


i 


the  Old  Badey  would  prove,  we  think,  very  attractive,  proWding  the 
fint  le^  talent  was  engaged,  and  the  Judges  could  promise  a  constant 
Buooession  of  novelties. 

A  west^nd  ageut,  also,  should  bo  appointed,  as  man/  a  gcnttenion 
and  lady,  upon  going  to  Mitchell's  or  Saw's  to  inquire  "wimt  was 
«oing  on  this  evening  ?  "  would  give  thenrefercnce  to  the  Old  Bailov,  if 
tney  could  be  certain  of  a  good  seat.  Who  would  care  for  a  crowd  at 
the  Royal  Italian  Opera  when  they  coidd  be  sure  of  a  Rusu  at  the 
Central  Criminal  Court,— or  admire  Yurdot  Gabcu,  when  they  could 
go  into  extacies  for  less  money  over  some  crazy  Pate,  who  had  Ix'en 
taken  up  for  assaulting  the  Ouken  ?  We  arc  confident  there  is  a  fine 
fortune  to  be  r  -  ■'■  "*  ^!ie  Old  Bailey,  if  the  scales  arc  only  taken  out 
of  the  custod\  .md  put  into  the  hands  of  some  "  enterprising 

lessee."    At  Y  Hilling  is  much  too  low.  for  really  it  is  putting 

the  first  Crinimol  Court  iu  the  Kingdom  on  a  level  with  the  chamber 
of  Horrors  at  Madame  Tussaud's.  ]t  should  be  raised  to  a  guinea  at 
least,  and  season  tickets  should  also  be  issued,  for  which  there  could  l>e 
no  difficulty  in  ohtaiiung  forty  guineas  a  piece.  The  taste  for  the 
horrible  kind  of  amusement  is  so  strong  iu  the  British  public,  that, 
with  good  managoment  and  a  little  puffin?,  the  Old  BtiDcy  might  take 
the  Irad  of  all  the  operas,  theatres,  and  Grecian  Saloons  a1>out  town. 


IT  18  ALL  A  MATTER  OF  CONJECTURE. 

Tn£  Obscrrrr  writes  biographic'  "  ;  "nliar  manner.  It  ie  nil  done 
on  conjecture.     For  instance,  on  "^  'H-  30  it  pretended  to  wrife 

the  hfe  uf  an  unhappy  rufliiin,  nut  :i  wjih  the  t  wcntric  intima- 

tion that  it  hud  uotiiing  to  tcli.  it  candidly  informed  us  tluit  "  its 
information  was  too  scanty  to  base  any  views  upon,  excepting  those  of 
mere  copiecturc."  You  would  imagine,  after  this,  that  it  would  have 
bad  the  discretion  to  have  held  its  tongue.  Not  at  all:  tt  went  on 
talking  for  half  a  column;  mdulged  in  a  tissue  of  fnnciful  facts;  told 
us,  in  afinOj  metaiihoricol  stylc^  a  number  of  incidents  ibal  might  have 
bnpiiened^  but  none  of  which  did  happt'n  ;  and  wound  up  by  warning  us, 
that  "tins  was  necessarily  all  hvpotheHis  and  conjecture."  Ttus  is 
doubtlessly  very  amusing,  but  we  hardly  think  it  fair,  or  charitable,  to 
the  person  who  is  in  prison  awaiting  his  stutenoe. 

Supposing  we  were  to  write  the  character  of  the  OA«frwT,  in  a  similar 
style  r    Supposing  we  were  to  say  as  follows : — 

''  We  knotr  aoUilnB  wbatonr  of  Uia  OUfri>tr,  l>ut  u  w«  ars  expected  to  My  loine- 
thinf  ftbDuttr,wet]i)  iioinilDdsftylnK  what  wetAve  been  told,  bat  at  Ihe  ume  time miut 
bcft  oar  retdon  to  uks  it  only  u  bMuur,  and  acut  u  itrlct  matter  of  fiuit.  The  Obwrva- 
tbea,  la  a  paper  ftUI  of  bad  rrammar,  and  vonw  taate,  and  itOI  won*  dtetilallao,  and  la 
tba  reco^Ued  organ  of  all  tbu  faahlonabla  araaa.  A  Ladj'iimald  In  May  Fair  wrltaa  Ita 
Faablonable  Intt3UlgDnce,aiid  It  deriT«a  Ua  gOTenaneat  laCDrmaUon  fhnn  tbe  Mmrut  wbo 
liaa  tbe  emptylng-out  of  Lokd  Joira'a  wasto-paper-baaltet,  and  it  paya  tbe  box-keopen  of 
tlie  ilUfennttbeatniaio  mucb  a  Unafi)rthe  dUbront  artlclea  thc>y  aend  upon  tbe  new 
plaMia  prodnoed.  It  la  dlMttngnlabed  tor  Ita  Impartial  Mo^nplilea  of  all  ndolvatMl 
erimlouii,  vbkU  are  written  generally  after  anpper  by  the  uiiit«d  corpi  of  contrlbalora 
ae  tli«y  are  aaiwnibled  nmsd  a  table,  imokhig  and  enjoying  tbemaelrea.  Eacb  con- 
trlbator  slrni,  In  turn,  a  Tart— fttttur  a  lilrth,  nr  an  early  trait  of  cruelty,  or  a  marrtasv, 
or  an  nneqalvocal  symptom  ofinaai^ity,  ami  the  wholeof  It  la  taken  down  In  wrlUnfflr 
tbe  vallerwboiiiln  tberoum.  WbeaalMbc  paperliLntype,iberroprlel«r  tncke  nphU 
iblrl-aleerea  and  pTDceoda  to  tbe  en|[lue-rwni,  where,  smoking  a  cigar,  bo  atrlkea  off  at 
bla  Iciaure  tbo  weakly  tmpreaalon  of  80,  and,  taking  It  under  hla  arm,  dropa  tb«  ooptea 
down  tbe  reipeotlve  areaa  on  bla  way  bome.  VTe  remind  onr  reader*  tbat  tbey  noat 
not  tak«  tbeae  fkcta  a«  UteraUy  tme.  We  tell  tbam  we  kiww  iKttblng  whatover  of  tbo 
Ohttrvfr,  either  good  or  bad,  It  may  be  tbe  beat  paper  In  the  wot  Id,  for  what  we  know 
oreare,  bat  a«  It  waa  expected  we  ibould  aay  aometbtiig  about  tbe  Obterva;  and  that 
Utat  BDmetblng  abould  be  bad.  wo  barn  compounded  tbe  aboTO  little  cnrloue  Malory 
mpcctlng  Ita  management,  which  wo  entreat  our  readcrv  to  Irsad,  with  Implicit  (kitb, 
but  at  tite  aame  time  to  reoollcct  that  It  la  *  ntttttarilji  all  \^polhfaia  and  oimjMttm,'  " 

We  do  not  think  the  above  would  be  liberal,  maniy,  charitable,  or 
kind,  to  our  talented  contemporary,  not  even  supposing  it  were  in  prison, 
awaitinff  in  the  greatest  siispcnso  the  trial  on  which  the  very  life  and 
proceeds  of  the  Journal  depended.  We  do  hope  the  Observer  will  try 
its  clever,  conjectural  pen  on  Bomo  other  amusement,  leas  dangerous 
than  that  of  Crmiinai  Biography. 


LOUD  CniES  OF  "NAMEI   NAME!    NAME!" 

A  LAW  has  been  passed  in  the  Chamber  of  Deputies,  that  all  ariicles 
which  appear  in  a  French  newspaper  must,  for  the  future,  he  signed 
with  the  names  of  their  respective  authors.  Ou  the  part  of  tlie  English 
press,  we  can  ouly  state  that  we  shall  be  too  happy  to  conform  to  the 
same  regulation.  The  British  Public  would  thcu  have  an  opportunity 
of  being  astonished  at  the  tremendous  Ust  of  our  contributors.  Not  a 
l)erson  of  any  talent  in  tbe  Unilcd  Kingilom,  but  who  has  been  too 
proud  lo  have  his  cleverness  iiumortfdiscd  iu  our  pages !  The  highest 
aiffuitaries  of  everj"  profession,  from  Winuicoim  down  to  the  Duke  oi? 
Wellington,  have  emuhited  ouc  another  in  sending  their  best  thinirs 
to  Pwtrh,  and  many  a  hon  mot  has  been  repeated  from  our  collectioiL  at 
the  royal  table,  whilst  the  illustrious  author  was  present.  In  proof  of 
our  honesty,  we  appcud  to  this  present  article  tbe  name  of  the 
writer,  and,  though  it  is  the  most  modeM  of  our  rich  collection,  still- 
it  may  be  token  as  a  slilning  saiuplc  of  tbe  veins  of  sterling  metal 
that  run  Uke  so  many  undiscnvf.red  streams  of  Califoruian  gold, 
through  our  columns.  The  name  inipicstion  ia,  we  are  proud  to  comess, 
no  other  than, 


THB  ECONOMICS  OF  SMOKING. 

BT  JOSEPH   FUME. 

Thx  man  who  smokes  half  his  cigar,  and  pats  tbe  remainder  by, 
knows  nothing  about  smoking. 

The  man  who  carries  no  cigar 'Cose  has  no  right  to  levy  contributions 
on  those  who  do. 

Never  buy  a  cigar  at  a  chemivt's,  they  are  sure  to  remiud  you  of  their 
origin.  I  once  knew  a  clicmi.tt,  who  also  sold  wine  and  cignni,  and  I  am 
sure  he  could  only  have  had  ouc  workshop  for  his  three  businesses,  and 
that  was  his  kboratory. 

Mistrust  the  tobacco  that  is  given  in  half-pa3Tnent  f^f  a  bill.  Such 
dealers  may  be  clever  m  drawing  a  bill,  but  it  is  rarely  that  their  cigars 
are  distiugui^hcd  for  bcin^gooa  "drawers." 

The  man  wbo  smokes  witL.wino  is  quite  capable  of  taku\«»'wuna'^'45ia. 
oysters. 


88 


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09 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


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I  H'Cna^  f_  n'li"-^  SRC 
«  5  ^  b  o  «■  .*S'E 


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PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


59 


THE  FASHIONABLE  ORGANS. 

4TTERLT  two  of  OUT  momiog  contem- 
pomries  h&ve  beea  cn^agcii  in  au 
Ignoble  competition  for  the  doubtful 
honour— ai»d  possible  nrofit— at- 
tnched  to  the  position  of  im  fashion- 
ablf:  organ,  whose  practice  it  is  to 
perform  the  task — imii  pocket  the 
oontingcDt  c(uh — of  chronicling  not 
exactijr  the  "  small  beer/'  but  the 
danchig  tc&a,  &c.,  &c.,  of  those 
whose  amtution  it  U  to  ^t  cUssed 
— at  the  rote  of  a  guinea  a  pa- 
nnaph — among  the  votaries  of 
fiuhion. 

We  really  blush  for  our  brethren 
of  the  press  when  we  witness  the 
paltry  style  of  literature  to  whicli 
the  two  journals  addict  themselr^, 
for  the  mere  sake  of  the  few  shil- 
lings  that  arc  to  be  picked  up  by 
announcing  the  posiponcnjeut  of 
Ladt  Mushboom:'s  Matinee^  or 
Mbs.  Smithie  Smtthe  Smith's  mtcndwi /c?«  ia  her  grounds--8Lx 
yards  wide,  by  twenty-three  feet  long— at  Pimlico. 

We  shall  really  be  delighted  when  the  seftson  is  fairly  over,  that  we 
may  be  spared  the  nausea  of  reading  the  weekly  li^l  of  "  Ifa^liion&ble 
armngeroents"  and  "Further  arrangements"  iu  the  columns  of  the 
namby-pamby  newspapers.  Who  cares  to  know  tliat  "Laj>t  Tdceuisor 
threw  open  iier  $aIo>u  to  about  150"  male  and  female  nobodies,  among 
whom  tlic  penny-a-liner  has  "  particularly  noticed  " — because  he  has 
been  paid  for  particulnrlv  noticing — a  small  bundle  of  fifth-rate  outsidcra 
of  the  worid  of  rank  or  losbion  i 

What  matters  it  to  us,  or  to  the  world,  that  the  BAjtONsss  1>S 
BoMBikSEEN  has  "p<wtponed  her  d^jeuMer" — or  whether  ishe  turns 
her  drjeuuer  into  a  dinner,  or  whether  she  ever  gets  any  brcfikfast  at 
nllf  or  whether  she  rushes  into  a  hite  supper  of  bread  and  clieese  and 
onions,  or,  in  fact,  who  care^  what  the  old  woman  either  docs  or  refrains 
from  doing  ? 

In  this  practical  age  of  common  sense,  we  think  it  would  be  much 
wiser  for  mt  idle  and  useless  classes  decently  to  keep  their  mode  of 
passing  their  livea  out  of  tbr  notice  of  the  world  at  large,  which  is  be- 
ginning to  estimate  people  by  the  worth  of  wliat  they  do.  and  not  by 
uie  means  they  possess  of  doing  nothing. 


THE  GREAT  OVERWORKED. 


We  must  positively  issue  a  commission  of  our  own  to  inquire  into  the 
condition  of  the  working  classes.  Notwithstanding  all  the  recent  invcs- 
tigalion  into  this  subject,  it  appears  that  among  the  sons  of  Toil  tlicre  is 
a  body  of  white  slaves — if  we  should  not  ratoer  say  white  and  bluck 
slaves — whose  cxi>f  "'^  '  -^  'oforc  has  been  quite unsusnected.  In  the 
late  discussion  on  '  L^tieal  Commission  Bill,  Mil.  GiA08TOif£ 

mode  the  following  ic  assertion  in  rcfcrruco  to  au  indiiddnAl  of 

this  dass: — 

'*He  vrnturvd  to  —.y  Uut  tho  Bnuop  m  Lojmov  worktd  tvioe  u  turd  u  uty 


llie  perspiration  of  the  mitred  brow,  then,  is  a  great  deal  more  copious 
tlian  most  people  are  aware  of.  An  opinion  prevails  that  the  principal 
employment  oi  a  bishop  is  comprised  in  ordaining,  confirming,  consecra- 
ting chnrches;  making  visitations  of  the  nature  of  angels'  visits; 
preaching  when  ho  has  nothing  else  to  do:  and  writing  works  on 
uiriniti  during  leisure  hours.  These  occnpations  arc  spread  over  so 
much  tmic,  that  thev  cannot  be  very  onerous ;  and  an  cocasional  eTening's 
attendance  in  the  House  of  Lords  during  the  session,  can  add  no  very 
tnck-breaking  weight  to  them.  How  is  it  then  that  a  prelate  is  &o 
noustroosly  overworked  ?  Nay.  we  must  and  will  send  an  cnussary  to 
Lambeth  and  Fulhom  to  ferret  all  this  out. 

Wc  have  a  diirk  suspicion  that  the  spiritual  meditations — if  not 
dnties — of  the  ri^ht  rcrerend  Bench,  are  rather  interfered  with  by 
business  relative  to  wills  and  ecclesiastical  property ;  so  that  a  bishoj) 
has  to  do  Itis  own  work,  and  a  lawyer's  and  estue-agent's,  too.  If  this 
is  the  case,  perhaps  Loon  Ashlzy  will  bring  in  n  Ten  Hours  Bill  to 
abridge  episcopal  labour ;  or,  as  tlint  plnn  may  not  Iw  very  practicable, 
pcraarenturc  the  rntviKR  will  cnmncipate  the  prelates  altogclhrr 
nom  tl»cir  sectdur  scii'doin.  Soniethiiif^  must  be  done  to  curt:  the 
headache,  which,  if  Mn.  Gladstone  is  right,  is  enclosed  in  the  mitre. 
It  ia  stnuisx.  however,  tlml  a  Lord  Spiritual  con  genendly  find  time  to 
marry  memliers  of  the  nobilitv  who  are  above  bcin^  njiitcd  by  a 
••  ;n>rkin?  clerfrjinan."  Keverlhcless,  if  the  work  of  tlie  British  bisnop 
is  propuriionale  to  his  pay,  it  certainly  is  something  enormous. 


THE  CONSISTENT  SABBATARUN8. 
A  Duei  between  Lonj)  8tiootKs  and  Ma.  Mawwomi. 

Lord  S.  Do  you  simvc  on  Sunday,  ever, 

Hejiping  your  chm,  reapingr  your  chin  ? 
Mr.  if.  Oh,  dear,  no !    <  )f  course  not.    Kcver. 

U  would  be  bin;  it  would  l>o  siu. 
fj>ni  S.  All  unshorn  I  go, 
Mr.  M.  With  \x\\i7.z\v  Iiairy.' 

I/frd  S.  Shaving  is,  we  know, 
Mr.  M,  ^lot  necessary, 

SotA.      Strictly  thus  we  keep  onr  Sunday, 

Rigidly  so,  ngidly  so. 

Lord  S.  Take  you  tea,  or  any  victual^ 

On  Sundayjnom,  for  breakfast,  hot  P 
Mr,  M.  Cold,  of  course.    What,  Iwil  the  kettle  ? 

Certainly  not,  certainly  not. 
lord  S,  Toast  we  won't  uavc  made, 
Mr.  M.  .With  bread  contented. 

h/rd  S.  Eygs— wc  'd  not  have  hud, 
Mr.  M.  Could  we  prevent  it. 

BoiJi,      Strictly  thus  we  keep  our  Sundaj', 

Rigidly  so,  rigidly  so. 

Lord  S.  What  have  you  for  Sunday's  dinner, 

Roast  meat,  or  boucd ;  stew,  or  fry? 

Mr.  3f.  Do  you  think  I'm  such  a  simier? 

Cookery  !*    Fie !    Cookery  ?    Fie . 

Jjord  S.  Cold  meat  will  suffice 

Mr.  M.  To  keep  from  starring ; 

Lord  S.  Nay,  His  my  advice, 

Mr.  M.  To  give  up  carving. 

Both.      Strictly  thus  we  keep  the  Sunday, 
Rigidly  so,  ngidly  so. 

Ij>rd  S.  "Wlierefore  all  this  self-denial  ? 

Some  may  inquire,  some  may  inquire. 
Mr.  M.  Oh,  it  is  a  painful  trial. 

Bitter  and  dire,  bitter  and  dire  \ 
Lord  S.  Sunday  letters  wc 
Mr.  M.  HaiTn??  arrested, 

Lr.'rd  S.  Our  consistency 
Mr.  M.  Must  be  attested. 

Both.     Strictly  thus  by  keeping  Sunday, 

Rigidly  so,  ngioly  so. 


Sra, 


A  FAIR  SPORTING  OFFER. ' 


I  ATE  to  arks  ver  pardiii^  for  this  iicre  letter,  wich  I  wood 
avc  sent  it  dii'eok  to  the  Guvcrment  if  Tde  ad  the  office  were  to  send  to, 
but  if  you  will  be  good  enuff  to  forard  it.  Avin  rod  in  the  Tine*  tliat 
they  wants  a  Britisin  oonsnl  in  Califomy,  wich  I  don't  now  wot  it  is  but 
concludes  its  somebody  to  take  care  tliem  there  Yankees  don't  go  and 
nab  the  gold  as  the  British  as  been  and  du^  wich  will  woiit  a  strong 
man,  and  one  used  to  giv  and  take,  and  a  good  ittcr  with  both  onds,  ana 
I  think  I  mite  sutc,  earn  in  on  the  public  bii^ness  at  the  same  time.  If 
^rou  want  to  see  ow  I  can  kcpe  order  among  a  ruthsh  set  of  customers 
jist  you  come  and  take  a  luke  at  my  bar  the  nite  after  a  mill,  wich  you'U 
see  I  am  the  man  to  go  in  and  do  it.  No  mor  at  present  firom  youra  to 
command  and  no  cbatF  ment. 

**  Bekw.  Catot  (X-Champiou)." 


PLAYING  AT  BALLOONS. 


Tuia  game  has  been  not  only  ver>-  iKjpular  in  England  lately,  but  is 
quite  the  ra^c  at  present  in  irance.  We  do  not  like  the  game  our- 
selves, for  though  you  begin  very  low,  there  is  no  knowing  what  it  may 
rise  to  in  the  course  of  the  cvenrnff,  or  wliere  you  will  stop  when  once 
you  have  beeun.  Tlie  game  is  subject  to  too  many  drops  to  induce  us 
to  be  carrieofaway  with  it.  We  are  not  fond  of  plaj-ing  so  bigb  •  for  let 
yourphins  be  ever  60  perfect,  the  chances  ore  that  you  will  be  com- 
pletely thrown  out ;  and,  if  you  do  win  the  pool,  the  pleasure  is  some- 
what doniped  by  jour  being  thrown  ripht  into  the  middle  of  it.  A 
French  peutlcnian  has  been  riding  the  high  horse  at  Paris  with  this 
pimc,  and  bent  on  carrying  cverj*  thin^  before  him,  ascended  with  a 
balloon  on  horseback.  All  wc  know  is,  that  yre  would  not  "bet  a 
pony/'  much  less  a  horse  upon  any  such  jm,  which  Itas  ioo  mnuy  *'  ups 
and  aowns  "  for  our  mundane  taste.. 


40 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Old  *Akd  Bill!  Hbeb's  anothke  HippBitpo'TAifus." 


LORD  BROUGIiAM'S  VISIT  TO  AMEHICA. 

At  the  last  meeting  of  the  Society  for  Promoting  the  Amendment  of 
the  Law,  held  very  appropriately  in  Chancery  Lane,  Lomi  BaouGiiAy 
J    annoimced  his  intention  of  proceeding  to  America. 

"  Whitheu  hb  had  been  invited  in  obdee  to  confeu  with  uis 

BSETintEN  THERE  ILESFECTINO    THE  AkEKDMENT  OF  TI1£  LaW." 

Directly  this  intelligence  met  our  eyes,  we  called  for  a  best  sheet  of 
elephsjit  paper,  nibbed  our  peacock  pen — ^used  only  upon  rare  and 
eventful  occasions — and  dipping  it  in  our  perfumed  mk,  rcccnilvprc 
scnted  to  us  by  the  Duchess  op  •••••••♦•**^  ^bo  with  a  \vliolc  btiUlc 

of  attar  of  roses  hod  scented  the  fluid — we  immedi:it:jly  iiidittid  ii 
Letter  of  Introduction  to  General  Taylor,  the  Americafi  President, 
and  forthwith  sent  the  epistle  to  dear  Lord  Brougham.  Well,  to  our 
astonishment  and  somewhat  to  our  annoyance^  wc  fintt  Ihnt  grilled 
copies  of  the  epistle  are  at  this  moment  circulating  throughout  society 
— mdeed,  we  tnow  not  to  what  amount  of  floating  lettei%  Hence,  w'c 
oomplflin — as,  indeed,  a  distinguished  and  particularly  ifood-tempered 
young  nobleman  of  irreproachable  Manners  nSwi,  recently »  cause  to  corn- 
plain  of  the  publicity  of  his  Poems,  before  published ;  nnd — following 
tiiat  poet's  noble  example — we  are  resolved  to  print  the  complete  Letter 
for  the  satisfaction  of  ourselves,  of  Brougham,  and  of  Tavlor.  To  be 
suref  we  understand  that  Lord  Broughak  himself  made  a  point  of 
reading  our  missive  of  introduction  to  every  party  he  visited  ■  but  aucb 
confidence  on  the  part  of  the  noble,  learned,  and  mgenuoua  Lord,  does 
in  no  maimer  justify  its  publication  by  any  of  its  hearers^  or  eaves- 
droppers. However,  wc  will  not  lose  our  temper;  we  will  not  pelt 
people  as  pcnny-arliners  and  so  forth ;  but,  in  our  calm  sense  of  injured 
dignity— print  the  letter. 

"  To  General  Taylor,  President  ^  the  United  Slatfs^  Ffftf^vnd  by 
Henry  Lord  Brougham,  Member  of  ike  French  JmitttUe. 

"Dear,  Taylor, 

"  I  HAVE  much  pleasure  in  making  yourself  and  my  ffi*md 
Bbohgiiah — the  Brougham,  whose  fame  is  not  European,  but  world- 
widfL  personally  acmiaintcd.  With  all  his  little  drolleries,  lie  ia  an 
exoelient  fellow ;  ana  with  all  his  oddities,  he  has  worked  UJ^c  a  Her- 
culean stable-boy  at  our  Augean  Courts  of  Law.  He  lifL'i  cheapened 
costs ;  he  has  well-nigh  destro>ed  the  race  of  sharp  attomios— (tbe  inoro 
Hebrew,  by  the  way,  the  more  sharp),  for  the  jew  is  stiL  ifistoral,  and 
flourishes  on  sheep-skin.  Indeed,  if  you  would  seek  BtiouotiAM'ff 
uonument,  look  around  every  attomev's  office ;  and  you  will  nat  see 
Brouoham's  picture.  Yon  will  see  the  Draconian  Ellen  Douoitnii— 
you  will  bchoIcL  in  ebon  frame,  the  Doubling  Eldon, — ^but  von  \dil  not 
see  the  Cost-Controlling  Beouohau  !  His  picture,  like  Lhc  <^£ilgics  of 
old.  is  the  more  lustrous  as  it  is  m/  shown ! 

"It appears,  dear  Taylor,  that  your  American  lawyers  have  invited 


Bboughau  to  a  fraternally  le^  conference.  I  am  glad  of  it.  Like 
invitations  have  been  sent  him  &om  the  lawyers  of  the  Sandwich 
Islands,  and  &om  certain  distinguished  legabsts  of  the  nation  of 
Ooribbees.  But  Brougham,  leanung  that  your  necessities,  as  a  pe 
are  greater  than  either  Sandwich  Islander  or  Oarib,  {tays  tou  the 
visit.  He  comes,  with  an  amendment  of  that  American  law  that  Iitb 
violent  hands  upon  every  free  black — ^locking  him  up  in  gacd,  like  a 
pest-tainted  bale  of  goods,  lest  the  plague  of  negro  liberty  shonld  spread 
all  over  the  Union.  He  comes  to  prove  to  you  that  yooi  Declaration  of 
Independence,  in  which  you  set  out  that  all  men  are  bom  free,  whilst 
among  you  negro  man  is  nought  and  sold  like  a  beast,  is  no  other  than 
a  Declaration  of  Impudence ;  a  blasphemy  uttered  to  the  Maker  of 
man,  and  an  a&ont  to  the  common  sense  of  all  mimWinH  (American^ 
kino,  perhaps,  not  included). 

"  And  now,  dear  Taylor,  that  little  burst  got  rid  of— for  it  voM 
break  out,  I  couldn't  button  it  within  my  waistcoat-^et  ns  have  a  little 
pleasant  gossip. 

"  You  will,  I  know — for  Jonathan  is  abonndingly  hospitable,  with  a 
heart  as  flowing  and  free  as  Ms  Mississippi — ^you  will,  I  know,  ^ire  9 
magnificent  welcome  to  Brougham.  But,  pray  understand  uus;  it 
may  save  us  a  future  war — we  will  not  lose  our  Bbouohak.  I 
know  Henry's  ardent,  impulsive  temx>erament.  You  will  be  ^rmg 
him  a  pubUc  banquet ;  and  there  and  then,  after  a  gorgeous  descnption 
of  the  mighty  energies  of  your  mighty  country — after  nlaiming  Saxon 
brotherhood  with  all  of  you, — he  will  insist — (and  I  know  the  force,  the 
subtlety  of  his  eloquence  too  well,  not  to  be  aware  that  it  will  cause 
you  a  struMle— a  very  severe  stru^le  to  refuse  the  favour) — he  will 
insist  upon  oeing  immediately  made  an  American  Citizen.    But  for  the 

extraordinary  astuteness  (B.  has  been  heard  to  call  it  "  d d  crosa 

obstinacy  ")  of  M.  Cr&uieux,  our  Brougham  would^  at  this  moment, 
have  been  a  French  Citizen!  In  danger,  it  may  be,  of  the  nezi 
Residency :  and— by  the  way — should  ^  naturalise  him,  I  wouldn't 
give  yourself  much  chance  ot  a  re-election.  You  will  therefore  be  on 
your  guard.  Our  Henry  must  return  to  us :  his  genius  is  the  property 
of  the  Human  race — but  his  citizenship  is  with  England,  'foke  a^ 
jewel  out  of  our  Crown ;  take  if  vou  will  our  Koh-i-noor,  our  Honntain 
of  Light,  but  not  our  bodily  Ligut  of  Brougham. 

"  Of  course,  vou  will  show  your  guest  Niagara ;  but  I  put  it  toyou  as 
a  vital  favour,  do  not  let  Henry  attempt  to  jump  the  i'alls.  Siould 
he  insist  upon  it — which  is  not  at  all  unlikely — lay  the  violence  of 
friendly  hands  upon  him.  and  let  him  be  carried  from  the  spot. 

"  How  yon  will  enjoy  Brougham  after  dinner ;  whilst  the  American 
women  in  the  drawing-room  will  huig  upon  him,  bright  and  thick,  as 
the  stars  of  your  spangled  banner.  There  is  no  man  teUs  a  storv  with 
a  greater  fatness  of  humour—no  man  sings  a  song  like  him ; — ^by  the 
way,  when  he  is  in  full  force  of  spirits,  do — ^now,  ^ap^  d<m*t  miss  {kit — 
do  ask  him  to  sing  The  Three  Little  Pigs!  You  will  never  forget  it : 
from  that  moment.  The  Three  Little  Pigs  will  b^M)me  dear  as  your 
national  eagle.  Moreover,  set  some  of  the  women  on  him — if,  which  is 
not  at  all  unlikely,  he  do  not  voUmteer  it— to  do  the  coQJuring  trick  of 
The  Chesnuts  in  Chancery,  It  has  had  wonderful  success  with  us  during 
the  present  season ;  so  much  so  that  the  Queen  and  her  Prince  invited 
Brougham  to  Windsor  Castle  to  play  the  trick  before  themselves  and 
children,  although  (but  you,  my  dear  Taylor,  in  your  free  and  ^neroua 
country,  you  can  have  little  idea  of  the  mali^ty  of  party  mterest) 
although  all  notice  of  the  visit  and  its  object,  was,  it  is  supposed  by  the  in- 
fluence of  L — »  J — N  R — Lt,  meanly  excluded  from  the  C&ttrt  (Xrcnktr, 

"Brougham  will  do  you  much  good,  and  I  earnestly  hope  that  the 
sea  voyage  and  American  air  will  brace  him  up  for  the  next  Mlf-centmy. 
Such  human  gold  with  all  its  alloy  rarely  enriches  the  ^nerations  of 
men.  Bv  the  way,  I  know  Henry's  philosophic  curiosity — his  thirst 
for  knowledge :  therefore,  do  not  let  him  too  frequently  test  your  gin- 
sling,  your  mint-julep,  your  cobblers,  and  all  that  variety  of  drinks  it  is 
a  part  of  the  glory  of  the  American  genius  to  offer  to  the  lips  of 
Bacchanal  nature. 

"  Brougham  has  promised  me  to  present  tliis  to  you  in  his  cosmopolite 
travelling-dress.  Isn't  it  significant,  nay^  epigrammatic  P  His  cot^ 
half  the  union-jack  of  England— half  the  tn-color  of  France.  His  waist- 
coat embroidered  with  the  American  eagle,  and  his  trousers  the  American 
stripes! 

'*^Cherish,  honour,  love  our  Henry,  and  for  your  love  to  him,  accept 
the  increased  admiration  of  yours  ever, 

"  Punch,  85,  Fleet  Street." 


Barry  ▼-  Beid. 

This  action  for  shmder,  which  came  on  the  other  day  in  the  Goott  of 
Common  Pleas,  has  furnished  us  with  a  suggestion.  Surely  the  Archi- 
tect and  the  Great  Yentiktor  of  the  New  Houses  of  Parhament  ought 
to  have  some  monument  in  connexion  with  those  walls  which  they  have 
reared  and  aired.  Let  it  be  their  portraits ;  and  should  the  qoiBstioa 
be  asked  how  the  gentlemen  are  to  he  drawn,  the  answer  obviooslj  ia^ 
*'  at  daggers  drawn." 


PUNCtt   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


JULY  THIRTY-ONE.  eCHTEEN   HUNDRED 
AND  FIFTY. 

ISTt    There   is   Bomctbing  stirring   in  the 
air. 
A  movement  that   excites   the  genertd 
wonder ; 
Men,    ifl   they  meet    cneh    other,    fteem 

hVKTt 

There  is  im  influoncc  that  they  all  lire 
under ; 
They  know  not  vhat  it  is— but  soon,  like 
thunder. 
The  fact   on   all    sides    ta   by  ruinour 
burled ; 
The    secret    from    its    bonds    has    burst 
asunder; 
A  posting  bill  is  on  the  waQ  onforl'd — 

PUNCH    GIVB8  AH  EXTJU  NCMBUI  TO  THB  ADXHintO  WoBLD. 


A    BIT    OF     MY    MIND. 


BIT  THE  THIRTEENTH. 

UBA.  1I0D8EB   APPLIES    T03.  h   PASSPORT  TO  iOlS  MOCSEK   IN   nUVCIl. 
AKD  WAS  KEVEtt  "  80  DlSiaTEn  BEFORE." 

Mr.  Puuch, — As  the  tinie  is  come  and  past  when  the  Prime  Minister 
in  the  House  of  Conuuons  Uas  drowned  what  Mocsea  cnUs  the  btiud 
kitteus  of  the  Seaaion — by  wliich,  I  suppose,  Mouser  mwvna  the  Bills 
that  ani't  to  8*'e  the  Ugiit  this  present  year, — as  then,  1  say.  Lord 
JuuN  htis  put  his  custoni/u-y  kittons  into  toe  pail,  and  what  is  called  the 
wisdom  ol  the  country  is  nbout  to  separate — crumble  to  bits — like  a 
plum-pudding  thnt  'a  over-rich, — you  will  allow  me  to  call  the  rvttention 
of  ruy  siiilers  of  Knclaud  to  a  scandal  and  abuse  at  which  Lord 
pALVKiLSTfis  (as  I  boucve  is  his  name)  is  at  the  hottom,  as  ho  is  the 
r()rci(?u  Oflice  head;  an  abuse  that  strikes  at  the  root  of  pnvate  families 
(if  I  'm  not  using  too  stroii*  language)— and  violates  the  dearest  secrecy 
of  doiuL'htic  life, — I  mean  a  lady  s  age. 

Ye-i,  I  must  ask.  wlmt  is  LonD  Paxmehston— (if  t^4if  is  his  name), 
wlint  is  henWtt,  tlmt  he  should  suffer  auEnglishwomau.thittpavs  taxes 
throiigii  her  husband,  to  be  insulted  by  the  rudest,  and  I  will  say  it, 
the  most  miprovoked  and  umnaulv  question  that  can  be  nut  to  any 
gentlewoman, — nerd  I  say,  a  question  that  goes  to  inquire  a  lady's  age? 

Bui,  Air.  Puitch,  you  suidi  near,  and  through  you  all  tiie  womeu  of 
Englaud. 

Mr.  Mouseh  is  at  this  moment  abroad.  A  fortnight  ago  1  made  up 
his  portmanteau,  and  let  him  go  alone;  for,  aa  I  said,  how  could  we 
both  go,  and  leave  the  painters  in  the  house?  So  he  went,  of  couree, 
and  left  mc  to  be  poisoned,  as  I  might,  which  I  shall  not  so  into  at 
present,  but  come  totheafCront  I  *ve  suffered ;  the  worst  affrout  that  can 


be  Dut  unon  a  woman;  I  mean,  of  course,  the  iusult  put  u;>on  her  age, 

Well,  MuisER,  as  I  say,  beiuL:  gone — and  the  painters  at  hist  beina 
done— I  got  my  things  together  to  follow  him.    My  boxes  (and  if  I 


pride  rnvself  upon  anytliing,  it  is.  that  I  never  travel  with  more  thim 
six  tronks.  two  bonnet-boxes,  ana  one  bag.  and  a  moderate  basket,  cveu 
if  I  leave  home  for  a  mouth)— my  boxes  being  abuost  ready.  I  went 
to  get  mv  passport;  for  Mocser  wrote  to  me  that  they  wouldn't  let 
mc  join  fum  on  a  foreign  soil  without ;  though  he  never  so  much  as 
breathed  the  insult  which  as  liis  wife,  ho  must,  have  known  would  bare 
been  i)ut  upon  me,  when  left  b^  myself. 

However,  what  I  write  I  write  as  a  warning  for  the  wives  nf  England, 
that,  if  they  (/ptnivcLthcy  may  tnkccare  and  go abroatl  with  their  husSands, 
on  the  same  piece  of  paper.    "Two  figs  on  one  stalk,"  as  the  poet  says. 

1  went  to  the  house  of  the  I'Vcncli  Ambassador;  and^  after  what 
I  've  suffered,  to  call  the  French  polite !  But  1  suppose  it 's  all  come 
of  the  Frencli  revolution:  all  their  gallantry  shot  awav  in  powder  aiid 
smoke.  WeU,  I  went,  and  after  waiting— as  I  thought  like  a  menial— I 
was  told  to  go  into  a  room,  and  the  Ambassador  would  see  me.  Out 
of  nal*ral  respect  for  Old  EngUnd.  I  had  of  course  drcst  myself  with 
pArticolar  care;  and  though  I  shall  not  say  bow  1  looked— (not  but 
what  eren  the  handsomest  people  bavo  their  well-looking  days ;  and 
that  day  was  certainly  noione</mjf  teont;  I  most  say  that)— thougji 
1  shall  not  dwell  upon  appcaranoea^  being  qoite  below  a  sensible  woman 
—I  roost  say,  that  had  I  come  for  a  cook^  pUce  instead  of  a  Udy'H  uass- 
port,  Uio  Kpptich  Ambassador  couldn't  have  treated  me  more  like  a  bear, 
^he  young  mau— (mind,  i  have  no  prejudice  against  young  men  aa  young 


men,  by  no  means — but  I  think  an  Ambassador  ought  to  have  a  little 
more  of  the  prime  of  life,  which  prime,  by  the  way,  poor  aunt  Peacock 
said  used  to  var>',  being  now  at  forty,  and  now  al  ufty-five ;  »^ — poor 
soxU!— declared  hemclf  only  in  her  pnmc  when  alie  died  at  throe-sopre) 
— the  young  man,  \\hen  1  swum  into  the  room — as,  without  coooeit.  I 
think  I  ma  swim  when  I  hke — the  voung  man,  when  I  ontoed  tna 
apartntont—whieli  was  not  ttt  all  unlike  an  attorney's  office,  without 
that  faint  sbeep-skiu  Miiell  that  kills  decent  people — the  yoong  man 
never  so  nmch.  tvb  Mohsiib  says,  moved  a  miutcle.  I'd  heard  so  much 
of  French  pohteness ;  and  did  expect  such  a  »ainple  of  it  at  the 
French  Ambassador's,  tluil  I  must  confess  it,  1  felt  for  the  moment 
quite  staggered ;  whereupon,  for  mv  pre .sf:nco  of  mind  never  forsakes 
mo — and  presence  of  mind  to  a  feinalo,  n^  dear  aunt  PEACOCit  u^ed  to 
say,  is  worth  apistol  at  fuU-cock — whereupon,  didn't  I  draw  myself  up  V 
1  should  think  I  did  1 

There  T  stood,  and  the  Ambassador  never  so  much  as  flew  for  a  chair; 
but  if  he  didn't  look  at  uie,  and  while  with  one  hand  he  twiddled  a  peiu 
and  with  Ids  other  fingers  coaxed  a  ferret-coloured  moustachio,  and 
pulled  a  few  hairs  at  the  eud  of  his  chin,  as  if  they  were  a  bell-rope,  and 
He  could  get  'em  all  the  lower  by  pulliua  'cm— well,  if  whilst  amusing 
himself  in  this  manner,  and  never  speaking  a  word,  he  didn't  actually 
begin  to  whistle! 

Well,  you  may  believe  that  my  blood  rose,  and  I  did  begin  to  wish 
myself  a  man.  However,  as  I  never  for^  myself,  that  is,  bcforo 
strangers,  and  out  of  my  own  house — for  with  one  s  own  husband,  and 
under  one's  own  roof,  it 's  quite  a  different  thin^, — aa  I'm  always  cool 
out,  I  smiled  what  I  felt  to  be  an  icy  smile,  saying  to  myself,  "This  is 
the  French  Ambassador;  hut  let  'a  see  bow  it  will  end." 

There  I  stood ;  and  the  Amboasador,  going  on  with  Ids  whistling, 
stored  at  mc  from  head  to  foot.  Yes,  from  the  ribands  of  my  bonnet, 
to  the  very  tins  of  my  Adelaide  boots.  Not  that  I  cored  a  bit  about 
his  staring;  1  sliould  think  not— I've  seen  a  little  too  much  of  the 
world  for  that — not  a  bit ;  for  1  took  liis  looks  as  if  I  'd  been  a  marble 
statue ;  looking  at  him  again,  and  giving  him,  I  should  think,  a  little 
better  than  he  sent. 

However,  still  stAriug,  he  liegan — for  I  could  feel  it,  t^at  I  could,  as 
if  the  very  pen  was  in  my  ilesh— he  bcfnui  to  write  me  down.  Where- 
upou,  as  WOK  nnt'ml.  I  looked  composed ;  for  I  'd  seen  Mouser's  pass- 
port, and  thouch  he  a  not  so  hamuome  a  man  aa  I  might,  if  I*d  only 
likcil,  have  had  for  a  husband,  he  *8  by  no  means— I  shoidd  think  not — 
the  fright  they  made  him. 

The  Ambfissador  smiled  a  bit,  and  went  on  writing.  "  There  go  my 
eyes  upon  the  paper,"  said  I  to  mvself,  as  he  looked  at  me ;  and 
whether  or  no,  1  did  fee!  'em  twinkle.  "And  that's  my  nose,  I'm 
sure  of  it/'  for  it  suddenly  burned  so ;  "and  that's  my  mouth,"  and  I 
eouidm'thch  smiling  at  the  thought,— "and  that's  my  complexion," — 
for  1  felt  a  flush,— "and  that  *s  my  hair;  and  now  I'm  finished."  And 
having  given  my  name,  of  course,  1  thought  it  was  all  over;  when  the 
Ambassador — as  if  he  had  been  askinc  for  the  coolest  thing  in  life — said, 
in  a  sort  of  English  that  even  a  poodle  might  be  ashamed  of-^ 

"What  is  your  age  P" 

"  What !"  cried  1,  and  they  miglit  have  heard  mc  in  the  .Htrect. 

"  AVhat  is  your  age?"  said  the  Ambassador  once  more,  twisting  his 
ferret  moustachio  in  such  an  aggravating  way  tlmt  I  could  have  torn  it  off, 

"  Well,"  said  I,  "  what  next  ?"    And  that 's  all  he  got  out  of  me. 

"  What  is  Madantc's  age  ?"  said  the  Ambassador,  beginning  to  kugh. 

"  What  a  qucstioa  for  a  polite  Frenchman!"  said  I,  laughing  too. 
"Askahuly'sage!    Well  1 'm  sure !  " 

"  I  must  Know  M.'ulume  s  age,"  said  the  Ambassador. 

"It's  like  your  impudence,"  said  I,  "and  you'll  know  nothing  of 
the  sort." 

"Then  Madame  can't  go  to  Franoc,"  said  the  Ambassador,  throwing 
do^vn  his  pen. 

**  What  is  it  to  Franco  how  old  I  am  P  Franrc  is  very  curioos.  Per- 
haps 1  'm  live-andtwenty,"  said  I. 

*'  Five-and-twenty,"  cried  the  Ambassador,  and  where  he  Icjimt  the 
words" 


have  your  age. 

"  Well,  then."  said  I,  tlirowing  mv  veil  quite  back  as  if  daring  him  to 
do  his  worst,  *  as  for  my  age,  there  s  my  face ;  and  take  what  you  like 
out  of /^^" 

Tlie  wretch  hinghed- wrote  something — and  gave  mo  my  passport, 
which  1  did  not  look  at,  I  was  in  such  a  passion,  till  1  'd  locKcd  myseli 
fairly  in  my  room  al  home. 

Would  you  believe  it  ?    Wlien  I  unfolded  the 
as  my  description : — 

"  Jfiifc  "—which  is  French  for  "Aged  " 

But  no,  Mr.  Puneh  not  even  to  you  will  I  reveal  the  insult  tliat  'a 
been  put  upon  mc.  No ;  I  leave  it  for  my  fellow  sisters  to  guess ;  and 
wiU\  it,  this  warning :  not  to  have  a  passport  to  themselves,  but — ^foT 
then  they  say  nothing  about  years— but  when  they  do  go  abroad,  to  go 
on  the  soine  sheet  with  thcir  uusbonds. 


passport,  I  saw  within 


I 


Thd  UonejtfuckUi. 


Y(yM»^'\ssfe\iiNR^  KaDSAK'MiSPWsa-- 


^ 


^Si.^' 


E  have  no  objipdion 
lo  bow  to  circuiD- 
atiuicrs^IikcalhJic 
rest  of  llio  world, 
but  wc  must  say, 
ttiat  there  u  some- 
tlim*^  ruthcr  nn- 
|.li  i^.mt  in  being 
!'l  !t(l  to  bow 
uiiiii-T  siirh  a  very 
disnjrnTnhto  rir- 
cuinstnni-'u  us  (be 
lowering  of  a 
steamboat  fuunel 
oil  to  your  hrnd, 
in  ptissiug  through 
ft  bridge.  Weliavc 
frexinently  foiuid 
onrsclves  under 
Iho  jHUuTid  neces- 
Bily  of  nursing  iu 
our  lap  a  large  iron 
cliUiiney,  suddenly 
tlirown  uix>n  our 
knees,  or  wc  Iwvc 
been  exposed  to 
the  reception  in  our  face  of  a  tremendous  vohime  of  smoke,  discharged  from  the 
mouth  ot  a  ttlcambonl  funnel,  brought  uuexpecledJy  (lu«h  with  our  eyes,  nose,  and 
mouth,  as  we  were  admiring  the  arcliiteoture  of  one  of  the  Metropolitan  bridges. 


I 


I 


NAPOLEON  CnOSSING  THE  ALPS. 

This  grand  historieal  sight  may  be  seen  three  or  four  nights  n  ureek  at  the 
Surrey  Zoolo^cal  Gardens :  Napoleon  crosses  the  Alps  iu  a  manner  that  is  not 
mentioned,  we  believe,  by  TnTEBs^or  Boubjiienne,  or  Sin  Waltek  Scott,  or 
*'  CAamberir'  Trach,*  or  any  other  lust/>nan.  The  manner  in  whieli  lio  effects  it  is 
by  sliding  on  at  a  slow  pace  across  a  large  sheet  of  water,  and,  as  he  is  on  horse- 
back, the  reading,  it  will  oe  clear,  is  quitr,  a  new  one.  What  hike  there  is  up  in  the 
Alps  we  do  notlaiow;  and  whether  NAroi-EOX  crossed  it  on  his  cclcbrfttcd  white 
horse,  which  seems  to  have  iuul  a  wonderful  talent  for  standing  on  Ida  hind  legs, 
wc  have  looked  into  every  kind  of  hist<)r>',  including  the  authentic  versions 
published  every  year  at  FRAN'CO>a's  and  AsfuiY's,  but  caiuiot  find,  to  our  disap- 
pointment, the  smallest  record  of  the  fact.  However,  as  Napoleon  did  everything 
dilTereutly  from  everybody  else,  it  is  verv  prolmble  that  he  did  as  he  is  reprcseatca, 
or  tlmt  he  would  have  done  so,  if  there  liau  been  a  hike.  Another  curious  circum- 
Btance  is,  that  Napoleok  crossed  the  AJps  anildst  a  brilliimt  display  of  fireworks 
— so  brilliimt  a  display,  iu  fact,  that  if  it  had  tjikeu  phice  at  the  elevation  of  Mont 
St.  Bernard,  or  Mont  Blanc,  or  from  any  other  ot  the  great  heights  to  wluch 
Napoleon's  ambition  dcUt'hted  to  climb,  the  reflection  must  have  been  pocn  all 
over  Europe ;  and  the  result  woidd  luive  been  that  Ma.  Braidwoop  woidd  have 
been  gallopping  for  d»vs  all  over  England  with  his  engines  in  search  of  the  lire. 

We  have  alwavs  understood  that  Nai'OLEON  crossed  the  Alp3  in  the  daytiiue,  for 
the  Mcent  would  have  been  too  periloiis  at  night  with  a  horse  like  the  one  David 
bos  given  him,  which  must,  in  one  of  its  extraordinary  amphitheatrical  jam&adv^ 
have  tnmbled,  rider  and  all,  over  the  first  precipice  that  came  in  its  way ;  and 
if  Napolkon  did  cross  in  the  daytime,  it  ia  very  cleAT  he  never  would  have  done  it 
in  the  company  of  a  grand  display  of  fireworks,  the  effect  of  which  would  have 
been  ucrfectly  lost.  Natoleon  was  not  so  fond  of  ludiug  his  cnndle  under  a 
bushel  as  to  burn  ten  thousand  Roman  candles  iu  Uie  broad  daylight.  He  was 
quite  clever  enough  to  know  tliat  a  kind  of  jeu  lilce  that  certainly  ne  valait  pas 
ui  ehitndelie.  or  at  least  so  many  ehan^difs. 

Beyond  tnis,  we  must  say  the  t^oup-d'tcil  is  very  pood ;  and  if  Napoleon  had 
to  go  over  the  AIjm  again,  there  is  no  doubt  tliat,  knowing  the  love  the  French  have 
for  tlieatrical  display,  ho  would  give  orders  to  have  it  performed  in  perfectly  a 
similar  manner  to  the  one  Mr.ssas.  Da\son  and  Sodtuby  have  so  cleverly 
arranged  for  him ;  although  we  doubt  if  he  would  ride  aornss  a  lake  on  horseback : 
and  we  have  our  mis^vmg^  also,  whether  he  would  allow  his  Grand  Mar^elml 
JuU4£N — and  a  Marcchar  Jullien  ccrtAinly  is  in  his  way,  for  has  he  not  his 
bftton?— to  play  "God  sarf  the.  Queen"  just  as  the  hist  discharge  of  Catherine 
wheels  were  rumiing  about  like  mad,  in  the  astonished  atmosphere. 

With  these  small  exceptions,  wo  are  positive  that  Napoleon  woidd  not  wish  to 
cross  the  Alps  in  better  style  than  ho  docs  three  or  foiir  times  a  week  at  (hat 
grand  shiUing'swortli  of  beasts,  flowers,  music,  and  fireworks — the  Surrey  J^logicat. 


We  always  thongh*.  that  an  Amcripan  was  the  Iwst  person 
to  calculnt*^  but  it  seems  that  Uierc  is  in  London  aji  cxtnu 
ordinary  "  Cfdculftling  German."  We  have  not  vet  bad  the 
pleasure  of  hearing  this  wonderful  Deutsciicr,  niio,  we  are 
told  throws  sums  and  figures  aliout,  and  catches  tliem 
as  skilfully  as  ItAMoSAjn:E_  did  canP""'"-''-^  l"i  «.■  t..l-i- 
the  liljcrty  of  proposing  to  lijm  the  fi-  ! 
tiona,  to  whicli  wc  bliall  be  too  hajipy  i     .  ■  i 

answers. 

Will  he  be  kind  enough  to  IcU  us — 

When  the  Great  German  Empire  is  likely  to  be  founded, 
and  what  city  is  likely  to  be  the  caiiilal  of  it  P 

When  those  facts  are  nsccrtaincj  bcyomi  the  friMition  of  a 
doubt,  if  he  would  endeavour  to  calcidate  the  loQge4»t 
perioa  the  said  German  Empire  is  likely  to  hml,  and. 
5upi>osin^  it  huts  six  months,  how  far  d^taiit  that  great 
fact  willTjc  from  the  Millennium  of  the  world? 

How  often  h/is  Austria  committed  bimkruptcv,  and  wbat 
is  Ihc  sum  total  of  its  Bevrml  briiikmpteies,  and  whetber  it 
is  capable  of  paying  a  krcutzer  in  the  ixiuu.!? 

What  is  the  number  of  political  n  Austria, 

f  nissin,  and  the  little  despotic  print:]  rrmany? 

Calculate  whnl  good  tne  Imig-dcnoiiiircd,  long-delayed 
Constitution  has  done  Pruasia,  aud  whether  it  was  worth 
wliilc  waiting  no  very  long  for  so  very  Ultlc? 

Calculate  the  revciuie  Kussau  and  Baden-Baden  drrive 
from  tlieir  own  resources  and  tell  ns  how  uuiny  limes 
greater  or  lesser  they  are  llian  the  revonues  they  draw  from 
Uiose  Gennan  "  sinks  of  iniquity,"  the  gaming-tables  ? 

Ascertain,  if  you  can,  and  tell  us  the  name  of  the  German 
who  docs  not  smoke  ? 

Also  ascertain,  and  pray  tell  us  once  for  all,  "H''iu  Ui  deM 
Vat^rhmtir^  — for  we  have  heard  it  many  hundred  times, 
but  wc  never  could  make  out. 


THE  MONSTER  STRAWBERRY. 


TuE  Expense  op  EQinxr.— Lord  Cottknuam  is  about  to  retire  upon  50(X)/. 
ner  annum — deserving  it,  to  be  sure,  as  much  ns  an  Ex-Chancellor  coiUd  do. 
This  is  the  usual  superannoatinn  allowance  of  L<.>rd  ChancVJors -or  Lord  High 
ChanceUon,  as  they  nro  more  properly  called,  for  certainly  tbcy  do  run  very  high. 


TRAWBERmEshave  now-«-<bip 
sucii  "grentness  Ihru&t  ujion 
thera'*nv  the  application  of 
the  forcing  process  at  the 
hands  of  the  mirdener,  tlmt 
it  is  (luite  alarniing.  So 
tremenuous  has  been  lhcf>tze 
of  some  of  these  specimens 
of  enormity  which  we  have 
witnessed,  that  we  are  auite 
sure  there  woidd  not  nave 
been  room  for  more  than  one 
iu  a  bed  of  these  gigantic 
Strawberrici.  li"  the  system 
of  forcing  is  applied  gene- 
rally to  uU  other  fruits,  as 
it  has  been  to  the  Strnw- 
Iwrry,  we  shall  be  Imving 
the  common  eherrj'  wcigliing 
a  Btonc,  and  the  bigaroon 
growing  bitf^er  and  uigger. 
until  "  two  iiites  at  a  cherrv 
will  no  longer  bo  regarded 
OH  an  absurdity. 


Exhibition  of  Industry. 

T»E  Exhibilion  of  ludustry,  as  far  aa  it  has  gone,  shows 
the  following  results; — 

Tlic  Industry  of  complaining  and  the  Industry  of  finding 
fault,  and  the  Industry  of  making  mistakes,  but  vnth  very 
little  Industry  to  repair  them.  ,    ,  ,  ^    ,    ,      ,       .... 

There  has  also  been  a  wonderful  Industry  in  collecting 
money,  but  a  shameful  lack  of  ludustry  on  the  part  of  those 
who  have  the  means  to  pay,  and  ought  to  pay,  but  somehow 
will  not  pay.  . 

THE  POLLY   OP  A  MOIIT. 

Tina  Sundav-lettcr-stoppage  business  has  become  80 
absunl,  that  it  is  almost  wanting  in  goo.!  — "  '''treat 
it  seriously;  so  we  recommend  that  some  t  imist, 

Mh   Jovps,  Mu.  Johw  Cooper,  or  Mji.  I  ■  u  hb- 

STEB,  be  deputed  to  wait  upon  the  Post-OiiJee,  w id  try  to 
cure  it  of  the  ridiculous  "  impediment  in  its  dcUverr. 


4 


I 
I 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


43 


A  LEGACY  TO  FLUNKIES. 
7b  Mb.  Runrs  Rufft,  Patriot. 

INCERELT,  dear  Rrrus,  jrou  vill  rejoice  to 
hcAT  that  the  ftvstcm  of  fuiiticiAl  aristocracy, 
whicli  you  nbnor  so  veiicmcntly,  has  re- 
oeired  a  very  dunogiog  blow. 

"  You,  RcFUS,  if  you  had  the  ordorin; 
of  aSairs,  would  cause  the  coronet  to  be 
torn  from  the  brow  of  the  decorated  lord- 
Unir,  and  tnunplod  beneath  the  feet  of  an 
indigiuuit  people  Not  so  I.  I  would  as 
soon  think  of  bereaving  au  O^ibbcway  of 
his  top-knot,  or  an  inmate  of  St.  Luke's 
of  hia  dindem  of  straw;  uav,  of  denrinoff 
you,  my  Rcpus,  of  your  lioncat  brown- 
paper  cap.  But  if  vou  could  anyhow  per- 
suade my  Lord  quietly  to  nnbonnft  himself, 
and  disi>os«  of  Ills  pericrania  einhoUiblimcut 
to  Mr.  Nathan',  the  masauemde  ware- 
houseman,— I  think  that  woola  be  advisable. 
"  Flunkeyism,  dear  RuFCs.  is  not  extirpated  by  the  destniction  of 
ill  outward  shoulder-knots,  plushy  mid  gold  laoe.  Witness  the  French, 
&nd  others.  If  you  would  annihilnte  it,  attack  it  in  its  spirit  and  prin- 
ciple— its  inward  vanity  and  baseness.  The  stroke  which  I  congratulate 
}-nn  on  its  having  bad,  was  thus  aimed  at  its  vitals.  1  allude  to  the  hit 
mllicted  o\\  flunkeyism,  posthumously  by  Sib  Robert  Pkel,  iu  the 
requeat  that  none  of  his  fnniilr  Eihould  accept  of  nny  distinction  for 
services  which  he  mi\y  be  considered  to  have  rendered  to  the  8tate. 

"  Sm  KoBEHT  Peel  was  n  wise  man,  Rrrus ;  a  great  statesman. 
To  find  one  as  ^reat,  wo  shall  have  to  go  back  very  far  iu  English 
.lofttorVf  and  I  wish  you  could  tell  me  where  to  stop  before  we  come  to 
iXinG'Xawoiveii  Axf&ed.  I  don't  mean  to  compare  the  two.  I  only 
mcAn  to  say  that  Peel  was  better  than  a  Walpole  or  a  Ceol;  and 
haa  he  not  been  a  grwitcr  bcncfaclor,  at  least,  to  us,  than  Pitt? 

"  Now,  tliis  wise  man  declares  by  solemn  testament,  that  be  will  not 
have  his  family  ennobled  on  his  aocoont.  This  is  either  a  protest 
agaiiut  the  principle  of  hereditary  rank,  or  it  is  an  expression  of  con- 
tempt for  title  altogelhcr;  and  very  probaWy  it  is  Wh.  Wo  know, 
Kurus,  tlmt  Peel  might  have  been  made  a  Peer  over  and  over  again ; 
but  he  preferred  to  remain  plain  KonKUT  Peel,  with  no  other  handle 
to  his  name  than  a  Sir,  wluch,  as  the  world  wcut,  he  could  not  lave 
tbron-n  away  without  turning  Quaker. 

"  A  man  is  ennobled  bv  liis  deeds.  A  great  munc,  simple  of  itself,  is 
A  sulficicnt  iuhehtancc  of  dignity  for  any  famUy.  Men  ore  born  unequal 
— not  equal,  as  you  say,  Rurcs — unequal  in  tne  scale  of  humanity,  from 
the  Eoro  of  fatuity  upwards.  I^t  us  be  content  with  the  honour  and 
rioi^  that  come  naturally  to  us,  and  consider  them  as  derogated  from 
by  mvcstiturc  with  ribbons  and  trinkets.  We  won't  be  oedizpned 
and  lackered,  and  silvered,  and  gilt,  and  embroidered,  to  bo  admired 
and  envied— envied,  mind,  my  Rupcs,  as  well  as  odmired— by  the 
ignoble  herd. 

"  Thus  I  paraphrase  the  departed  statesman's  injunction  to  Iiis  fnmily, 
and  I  revercntl/  gay  ditto  to  Robert  Peel.  Real,  g«iuinc,  cool  con- 
tempt^ Rurua,  is  the  only  ioflucacc  that  will  witherTlunkeyism.  In- 
digiintioQ  rather  tends  to  encourage  it,  being  generally  a  testimony 
(o  the  importance  of  its  honours  oomo  by  an  unhappy  flunkey  out 
of  plaoe. 

"  Yours,  dear  Ruftjs. 

"AlGEBJIOM    HaVI'DEN   MiLTOS  StDSET." 


AN  IMAGINARY  DIALOGUE  ON  THE  EXUIBmON 
OF  1851. 

{Sdween  T>bl  JouKaoK  and  Boswxll.) 

BoMeeU,  What  do  you  think.  Sir,  of  the  Exhibition  of  1851 P 

Jokntcm.  Sir,  I  think  it  would  be  a  verr  good  thing  in  its  proper  place. 
It  will  promote  international  sociidity,  ana  aogmenttbe  trade  of  London. 
But,  Sir,  I  am  sorry  it  is  to  bo  held  in  Hyde  Park :  though  the  disfi- 
eurement  of  the  Park  will  happily  be  obviated  bjr  the  substitution  of 
Mr.  Paxton's  mogniGccnt  glass  fabric  for  an  unsightly  ediJke  of  brick 
and  mortar. 

BosuvU.  Don't  you  think,  Sir,  tliat  a  public  Park  ought  to  be  used 
for  a  public  Durpcse  P 

Johiufm,  Sir,  you  might  as  well  ask  whether  a  public  building  ought 
not  to  bo  used  as  a  public-house.  Sir,  the  Park  u  used  for  a  public 
porpose.    It  is  used  lor  the  purpose  of  taking  air  and  exercise. 

£o$mtU.  But,  Sir.  are  not  they  who  use  Hyde  Park  for  that  purpose 


aHmited  class  of  penam,  conitstmg  prineipally  of  gentlefolks  and  people 
of  Quality  P 

JoAtuon,  No,  Sir.  The  miLt  people  ride  in  the  Ring  and  Rotten 
Row,  and  the  conunon  people  (fo  to  look  at  them.  The  fine  folks  are  a 
prettv  show.  The  diveiBti&d  hverics of  their senants arc  pleasing,  their 
complacent  countenances  impart  clicerfulncM,  and  llii^ir  gay  apparel  and 
handsome  equipages  exhilarate  the  5]>eclutors.  Sir.  dicl  you  never 
observe  how  the  populace  shout:;  for  joy  to  sec  a  sjilcnaid  carriage  going 
to  the  raeesP 

Bomceil.  But  how.  Sir,  nill  the  Exhibition  interfere  with  the  diversion 
of  walking  or  riding  in  tiio  l^nrk  ? 

JointoM.  Sir,  bv  creat  ing  a  niiscolUneous  concourse  of  nenoos  who 


will  be  noisy,  and  whose  tramnling  will  wear  away  the  turfT  They  will 
thus  destroy  the  quiet  and  vurduri'  wiiicli  offurd  rufreshuieut  trj  the  eye 
and  tranquillity  to  the  mind.    Aud.  Sir  they  will  ovemm  Kensingtco 


Gardens,  and  probabljr  iixjure  and  dontoe  them,  besides  committing 
depredations  in  the  vicinity. 

Boneeil.  But  has  it  not  been  proved,  Sir,  tliat  the  notion  that  the 
people  will  do  miachict  if  admitted  to  such  pb\res,  is  erroneous  P 

Johnson.  Yes,  Sir.  But  a  promiscuous  rabble,  such  as  collects  at  a 
fair,  and  such  as  will  be  attracted  by  this  Exhibition,  i.**  not  the  people. 
Sir  lar^  numbers  of  the  people  will  be  incapable  of  attending  the 
Kxhibition  at  all.  Tlic  agricultural  Ubonrers,  and  the  poorer  mechanics 
throughout  the  country^  will  neither  be  able  to  aiTord  the  time  nor  the 
money  requisite  for  a  journey  to  lx>ndon.  Besides,  Sir,  if  the  Exhi- 
bition were  ever  so  much  the  people's  concern,  it  ougbt,  nevertheless, 
to  Iw  assigned  a  suitable  pkcc.  Sir,  the  people  do  not  wont  their  Pork 
to  be  turned  into  a  fftir-grouud  any  more  than  a  noblemim  would  like 
his  own  to  be  served  so.  Sir,  if  you  hod  a  conservatory,  and  I  were  to 
tell  you  that  you  ought  to  convert  it  into  a  kennel,  simply  because  von 
had  a  right  to  do  what  you  pleased  nith  it,  you  would  tnink  that  eitner 
I  insulted  your  understanding,  pr  was  a  fool. 

Bosweil,  But  where  womid  you  have  the  Exhibition,  Sir  ? 

Joknaom,  Sir,  in  some  pUoe  where  the  neighbours  would  be  glad  to 
have  it,  and  not  in  one  where  they  will  consider  it  a  nuisance. 

Boswf^U.  But  you  would  not  rccoinmcud  a  shabby  site  for  it.  Sir  ? 

John$on.  Sir,  1  do  not  me;m  to  pun  ;  but  the  Miibition,  wherever  it 
is.  will  include  a  sufficient  sight  iu  itself.  The  site  of  Covent  Garden  is 
shabby ;  and  yet  people  of  fashion  will  go  there  to  hear  Italian  Operas. 
No,  Sir.  Lci  the  Exhibition  of  the  luJiistry  of  all  Nations  be  eatablifilied 
in  a  situation,  where,  while  it  is  admired  as  a  stupendous  spectacle,  it 
shall  not  also  bo  execrated  as  a  monstrous  bore. 


LOOK  AT  HOME,  OBNTLEMEN. 


A  LABGE  deputation  of  Provosts  from  Glasgow  have  waited,  it  seems, 
upon  Lord  John  Russell  to  entreat  of  hiiu  to  enforce  the  uew  postftl 
reguUtions  on  the  Sabbath.  Mi^ht  wc  recommend  to  these  loo  zealous 
Provosts  to  busy  themselves  a  bttle  more  with  the  purification  of  their 
own  cityP  Surely  there  is  plenty  to  occupy  them  at  home,  without 
rushing  all  the  wa^  to  London  to  seek  for  moral  employment  P  If  we 
have  been  nghtl;^  informed,  GUsgow  is  the  most  immonU  town  in  the 
whole  United  iwingdom,  and  that  many  worse  tilings  than  rcccinng  or 
sending  a  letter  occur  there  every  Sunday.  Drunkenness,  we  are  told, 
rins  about  the  streets  in  the  most  debauched  state.  If  this  be  true, 
and  we  are  afraid  there  is  no  doubt  of  it,  it  is  very  evident  that  these 
worthy  magistntc-s  may  be  acting  up  rigidly  to  the  Utter  of  the 
Sabbath,  but  at  the  same  time  they  sadly  overlook  the  Spirit. 


A  New  Way  to  Pave  Old  Onea. 

WEflTMiNSTER  Beidge  is  in  n  very  bad  state,  and  so  is  King'.i  Road, 
Eaton  Square.  At  present  they  are  almost  usdess,  and  all  but  im- 
passable. We  propose,  therefore,  that  Westminster  Bridge  be  pulled 
down  to  repair  tbe  King's  Road,  and  that  a  now  rate  be  levied  on  the 
M4SX{in8  or  Westmikstek,  or  Loan  Guosvenor^  or  the  parish,  or 
whoever  tbe  shabby  delinquent  is.  for  the  erection  ot  a  new  bridge.  At 
all  erenta,  the  metronolis  would  nave  gained  one  good  way  instead  of 
two  bad  ones,  wbich  we  call  a  very  good  way  of  getting  over  two 
difficulties. 


Oharitj  made  Eaay. 

Lord  Jons  Ritksell  wonld  not  accede  to  Mr.  Hum's  amendment 
of  £?()0()  a-year  to  the  Dmu!  or  Caubrtdge,— the  Duke  must  have 
£l'2,0*X),  because  he  n*ns  expected  to  be  charitable,  ^fr.  PvhcH — upon 
hia  own  responsibility — offers  to  find  any  number  of  individuals  who 
will  be  twice  as  charitable  as  the  present  Duke  npon  exactly  half  tbe 
grant.  How  droll  charity  majf  be !  You  give  a  Duke  a  heap  of  maner 
that  he  oiay  be  benevolent,  and  then  land  aim  to  the  skiea  v3R.^it£Ak'^f^ 
pbiloathropy  t 


I 


\ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


At 


BETWEEN  MK.  AND  MRS.  JONES  AND  THE  POST. 

£a/iff  Lasi  Scenet  fnm  the  Life  of  a  {Late)  Unprotectjid  FEJiAUi. 
Time,— UoniUf,  tho  2Sad  of  July.    A  qtmrter  Ui  D  o'clock,  P.M. 

BCKSB, — TUparlovr  </Mr.  Smituebs,  at  L'nj-ton,  with  Mr.  emd  Ma«. 

Smithers, /w(//  tke  Latb  Unprotected  Feualb  enjoying  them' 

seieeA  at  the  tea^abU.    The  Late  Uni-iiotectej)  Femaix  ocewpiw 

the  place  of  hotumr. 

Mr*.  SmiiAera.  Ajiother  cup,  mj  dear — 

joa  reftUy  must. 

Late  Umproterted  Female.  Oh  !  no  in- 
deed— 1  couldn't  really,  It's  ^tiing 
M  Ute.  I  •  vc  Uttd  a  most  delightfiJ  diij  I 
J  rcalljr  must  be  goiug. 

Mr,  SmiOert.  Then  1  'U  ring  for  the-  

[Ritiffa  icithvut  coneludinff  hie  aentence. 
Enter  Maid  with  trajf  and  tumblers.    MR.SMiTHTtBa^o«  to  the 

eella/vt,  and  bi'tiae  oni  an  elaborate  liqv^r  caae. 
late  UMprotected  JfetMie.  Oh— uo,  T  really  couldn't— 1  never  do.    No, 
reidly — now. 

Mr,  SmiiAera  {eordial/p).  Pooh— pooh— come,  I  know  if  Jones  were 
her&  ho  'd  insist. 

Airs.  SmUhera  {eoajttMfftff).  Just  a  Iccllc,  very   sweet  and    weak. 
Remember  you  've  au  hour's  ride  before  you. 

Late  Unprotected  Female.  Well,  you're  so  kind- but  I  declare  I  had 
rather  uot. 

[Mr.    Smitueus   mirrs  a    small    titmiler  remarkably  meet  and 

talerabiif  alif.    Mus.  Jones  discusses  it  tcith  vncomcious  relish. 

Clock  atriim  mim. 

Lade  Utaroieeted  Rmale.  Oh,  dear,  there 'a  uiue  o'clock!    And  how 

ev-erl'm  to  venture  home  alone,  in  that  omnibus?    I'm  sure  Mr. 

JoRES  won't  like  it. 

Mr.  Smifhers.  Well,  If  he  iriH  go  and  leave  hw  wife  {he  smiles),  he 
must  takr  tlie  conseiiucnccs.    Catch  me  leaving  Mrs.  Smithcrs. 

Mrs.  Hinithers.  Nonsense,  Miu  Smithers.     IIow  can  you  ?     He 's 
Buch  a  man,  Mrs.  Jokzs  1 
Ltte  Unprotected  Female  {oroudly).  Oh— so  is  Mn.  J.,  I  assure  yoii. 
Mr.Smithers.  But  I'll  tell  you  what,  Mrs.  JovRS,  I'll  drive  you 
homo  ia  my  ijuny-choise.    There ! 
Lite  Unprotected  Female.  Oh— but  are  you  sure  it  *s  very  quiet  P 
Mr.  Smtthert.  Quiet  as  a  lamb.    I  '11  trundle  j-ou  to  Coram  Street  in 
lialt  an  hour. 
Late  Unprotected  Female.  Oh— thank  you— I  'm  sure. 
IBxUjAs..  SMrniBKa,  to  order  (he  chaise,  and  see  the  pony  put  to. 
Exit  Mrs.  Smituers,  with  Late  Uxtbotected  Female,  to 
put  on  "her  things." 
[Scene  changes  to  ike  road  with  Mr.  Suithers  and  Mrs.  Joyzs  in 
the  oong-chaiae.    The  Late  Unprotected  Female  m  hartuaed 
with  vague  terrors,  in  no  way  jntli/ied  6y  the  conduct  qf  the  pony. 
Ute  Unprotected  Female.  Oh— there 's  on  onmibua !    Oh— he  ll  be 
rumiingaway.    Do  hold  him  tight. 

[Triea  to  graap  the  reins,  for  the  pnipoae  of  assisting  Mr.  Smitiiers 
in  holding  hm  tight. 

-  Mf.  Sutithers  (testily).     Don't -Mann— 

MM  jT  coid'ound  it— don't,  or  you  '11  upset  us.  I  tcU 

%^  M^*.  f-  ^        yo"  he  'a  steady  as  a  rock— chck — chck — 

J  ^^^BKr^^P  ^''^  Unprotected  Female.    Oh— I   know 

^\J^^^^j^/kL       --but  they  wilt  shy  so.    I  declare  when 
C  ■nHV^H^^^'       J.  drove  me  down  to  Kew,  last  8unday 
v3g^  v-g*'.  fortnight,  1  was  quite  ill.    He  would  go  &o 

close  to  the  omnibuses  and  things ! 
Mr.  Smilhers.  When  do  you  expect  Jones  home  ? 
IjUc  Unprotected  Female.  Oh — I  should  have  expected  him  to-day — 
but  he  hadn't  written.    He  always  writes  when  on  limjonrHeys — I  begged 
hinj  to,  and  I  must  say  he  has  been  very  thoughtful.    Oh— what  is  tliat 
white  thinj?  by  the  roadside  ? 

3lr.  Smtthera  {oaliaatly).  Well,  I  'm  ghut  Jones  didn't  come  bock  to- 
day, or  we  shouldn't  have  had  the  pleasure  of  your  company, 

late  Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  you  *ro  very  kind,  I  'm  sure.     I  should 
have  had  a  very  lonely  day  at  home,  so  I  sent  the  maid  out,  and  thought 
I  'd  run  down  and  see  Mrs.  SxiTiiBEa. 
Afr.  Smiths  (Mtmorousty).  And  me,  too,  Mjts.  Jones,  eh  ? 
Lafe  Unprotected  Female  {{jhifnlly).  Be  qiuct,  do — you  fooli^h  crea- 
ture!    Oh — there's  something  with  lamps  I     [During  ihfse  ami  vfhrr 
such  passages  uf  mingled  alarm  and  badinage^  they  have  reached  Cvram 
Street,  opposite  Mrs,  Jones's  door.)    Oh,  gracious  goodness!    Oh,  de^ar ! 
[MJts.  Jones  is  taJJMt  very  mHComfortable. 
Mr.  Sniithers  {putting  ttu  short).  What's  tlie  matter  now? 
Late  Unp^olecied  Female.  Oh,  look — there 's  u  Ucht  iu  the  parlour. 
Oh,  look^il's  going  ujwtairs!    Oh— sec — it's  on  tlie  first  tloor!    Oh. 
tlicrt'  uuiat  In:  thieves  iu  the  house — I'm  certain  there  are  thieves! 
Ob.  ilear  mo ! 

Mr.  Snuthera.  Pooh,  |)ooh — lliievca  wouldn't  go  about  with  lights, 
^at  way.    It 's  the  servant  come  back. 


Late  Unprotected  Female.  No.  she  couldn't  get  at  the  candles.  Tliev're 
locked  up.  She's  so  wasteful.  It 's  tliicves.  Oh— hadn't  we  belter 
go  for  a  pohcemnn.    Oh,  there 's  one !    Hen !  iAbotil  to  snmmoH  A  28. 

Mr.  Smifhers.  Stop — stop !  Don't  make  a  fool  of  voursclf.  Here, 
policeman.  (A  32  approaches.)  Just  stand  at  the  ponjfs  head,  willyou, 
B  minute— and  keep  an  eye  on  the  door— there.     iFointing  to  Jokes's. 

A  32  {anticipating  iteer).  All  right.  [_He  taJtes  up  his  position, 

Mr.  Smathera.  Now,  Mrs.  Jones.  [Offers  to  hand  her  out. 

Late  Unprotected  Female.  Oh— 1  daren't.— 1  never  can  go  in- 

Mr.  Smtthera.  Come  along.    Ain't  there  ine,  and  the  I*olicrmanP 

Late  Unvrotected  Female  {is  tci/h  difficulty  got  out  d"  the  chaise ;  they 
pause  at  tie  door).  Oh — I  're  the  key  somewhere,  (institutes  a  nporona 
but  agitated  nearch.)    Oh— no — eh  ?    Oh — I  must  have  forgotten  it. 

Mr.  Smilhers.  The  door  *s  on  the  latch  I 

[(Jpena  it,  and  enters,  leading  in  M* ''    '■  ^"•*. 

Lite  Unprotected  FewuUfe  {in  agoj^  nt  tka  diaeovery).  Oii-  ' 
thic^'ca!     (A  noise  heard  within.)   Tnei«!   They'rcurcaking  :       ,     .    ii, 
{Prepare  to  faint  on  thepaaaaae-mat.)    I  never  can  go  in — no,  never  I 

Jar.  Smithes   {somewhat  Monk).   What  iionsouso!     Where  ore   the 
lucifers?    But  if  you  insist  on  it,  I  can  ask  the  policeman  to  go  in  first. 
[/«  going  towards  the  door  for  the  pu/potc.    A  light  suddenly  oj^/eart 
OH  the  j^rst  floor  landino. 

Late  Unprotected  Fetaale.  On  — they're  coming — they're  coming. 
Oh— dear — Police — Police ! 

[A wyoL  Appearance  ovMb.  Jones,  on 
TUB  Landing-place  I  His  counte' 
nance  ejMresses  hunger  and  irritation. 
His  clothes  are  dusty  and  disordered. 
In  his  right  hand  he  holds  a  eandtC' 
stick,  in  hia  tfft  a  silver  fork  much 
twisted. 

Mr.  Jones.  Don't  be  a  fool,  woman !  Hold 
your  row,  will  you?  (To  A  23,  who  has 
entered  at  Mjts.  Jones's  call.)  Wliat  the 
devil  do  you  want  ? 

Mr.  Smilhers.  Why,  it.  's  Jones  !  Halloa 
—Jones,  how  are  you  ?  {To  PoUrraan.)  It 's 
all  right.    It  'b  the  master  of  the  house. 

/«(«  Unprotected  Female  [makes  arrange- 
ments for  a  ft  of  hysterics  on  the  stairs).  Oh 
—oh — ohr- <A!  ilow  could  you? — oh — oh 
—why  didn't  you  ?— oh— oh— 

^ones  {fiercely  and  brutally).  WTiy  didn't  I P— but  I  did !  Wli^  didn't 
l«w.  Ma'am  P  Here's  pretty  beliaviour!  But  I  won't  stand  it.  By 
Jove,  I  won't  stand  it.  [/fr  digs  the  fork  into  the  dining'room  door. 

Mr.  Smilhers.  Is  the  man  mad  ?    Whot  's  the  meaning  of  it  all  ? 

Late  Unprotected  Female.  Oh,  dear — ob,  dear!  Oh— Jones,  dear. 
Oh — wlmt  hare  I  done  ? 

Junes.  Here 's  a  sU^c  of  tilings !  I  come  homo  after  a  week's  journey 
— dusty  ana  dirty,  and  tired.  I  find  no  wife — no  senaut — and  no  dizmer 
readr — and  tho  keys  gone — and  I  can't  find  so  much  as  a  bit  of  cold 
meat!  and  I've  pricked  my  fiuf^m,  and  broken  two  of  tlieeo  infernal 
olbuta  forks,  trying  to  o|wn  tiic  sideboard.  And  tlien,  my  wife  oomea 
l>ack  late  at  uight — with  i\  friend  {sarcastically,  and  with  a  tierce  took  ui 
Mr.  Smithers)— and  calls  the  police  to  take  me  intociifltody  in  roy  own 
passiige !    Oh,  by  Jove,  I  'U  uot  stand  it ! 

[i/lff  repeats  his  assault  on  the  dining-room  door, 

late  Unprotected  Female  {firing  tip  undtrthe  attack).  Well,  to  be  sure! 
and  whose  faidt  is  it,  I  BhoiiTd  like  to  know  ?  Why  didn't  you  write,  and 
bay  you  were  coming.uad  uot  sneak  home  iu  this  way,  like  a  Wl  character? 

Mr.  Jones  {indignanlly)  1  did  yrnic.  I  wiotc  on  Satunlay  from  Bir- 
mingham.   I  posted  the  letter  myself.  So.  it  *b  no  use  for  you  to  deny  H. 

LtUe  fjncroteeted  Fcmak.  Oh,  you  base  man !  Oh— liow  can  you  say 
BO  ?  there  8  been  no  letter  dehvered — I  believe  you  're  dcceivijig  me— 

you  want  to  quarrel  withyour  poor  wifo 

^  .    ^  — you  know  you  do.     [,Sobs  tfehemently. 

^b^V.^    ^Jk  ^^^-  Smitnera  {with  a  sudden  iliamu 

^^jflS    HI^^         mtion),    I  know— I  know— it's  that 

4BHr  ^^^Ik  precious  new  Post-Office  arrangement, 
j»- 1  1^^  ^^^P^    ^^  ^  ^^^  Sunday  ^toppage ! 

^*i^^*«J^         ^^m^       Mr,  Jones.  So  it  is— my  letter  won't 

^ -  — — -^         \)e  delivered  till  to-morrow!    Oh— my 

dear  Martha  !    {takes  her  in  hia  armi) 
I  'ni  vcTT  sorry  I  forgot  myself— but  1  've  been  so  uncomfortable ! 

Ufe  Unprotected  Female  {with  a  great  gush  qf  emotion).  Oh— Jones  ! 
Tlmt  explains  everything !  Oh— I  wonder  {a  pause)  if  Lord  Asulet  'a 
a  married  mau,  and  ever  goes  journeys  ?  I  onlv  hope  it  mayn't  como 
biirk  upon  Lady  Ashley,  as  it  has  upon  me— that 's  all ! 

Mr.  Jones.  1  wy,  Smithers.  yon  'II  stop  and  take  a  gkssof  something 
comfortable?  My  dear,  is  there  imytliing  to  cat  in  the  bouse  P  For  I 
came  home  at  five— ai»d  it's  ten  now— and  I've  had  nothing  sinoa 
breakfast,  and  you  can't  think  how  miserable  I've  been.  Now,  do  sm 
what  vou  can  cfo  for  us,  there  'a  a  dear. 

{Kril  the  Late  UwpaoTECTED  FemjOE,  on  household  carea  %nteni. 
Scene  closes. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARrVARI. 


A  SIGN-Y  QUA  NON. 

TffE  proposition  of  the  French 
Govcmuicni  tlmt  otctx  arliclc  in 
every  newspaper  should  be  signed 
with  the  wntcr*9  name,  would,  if  it 
were  applied  to  this  conntrj,  cause 
some  CTtTBOrdinary  rcvelationa  re- 
lating to  the  Mysteries  of  t  he  Prcas, 
It  wonld  have  au  odd  imd  rather 
fitartliui?  effect  to  find  a  bcanii* 
fully  eulogistic  criticism  on  Joscs's 
lost  new  novel  signed  "  Jomr 
JoNKS;"  and  it  would  be  rather 
amuaing^at  the  tcrminatioa  of  ft 
long  article  in  praise  of  Mil 
Qagoeb's  acting,  to  arrive  at  tlie 
words  Jacob  Gagger,  appended  to 
the  end  of  it.  The  worlcl  wonM  >« 
a  little  astonished  now  and  then  hy 
the  disclosure  of  Uio  maenatcs  of  t  bo 
diamal  press;  nud  would  raarrel  to 
know  that  the  preafWc'  s  arc  some- 
times very  Wee  people  after  all. 


IT   IS   VEHT   CURIOUS. 

"It's  very  curioug,"  sars  a 
young  lady  wnom  we  know,  that 
the  tortoise,  from  whom  wc  get  all 
our  tortoisc-afiidl  comba,  has  no 
hair!" 

A  SIStPLE  QUESTION  Of  COLOUR! 

WuKTUEtt,  instead  of  palling 
the  new  singer  "The  Black  Ma* 
LiBKAK,"  it  would  not  have  been 
better  to  haTe  oftUed  her  "The 

BlJiCK  DlAUOND  P  " 


ELEGANT  AND  RATIONAL  DINNER  C0STU3dE  FOR  TIHS  CLOSE  WEATHER, 


The  "  RiDicuLUs  Mcs"  or  the 
MouvTAiK.  —  Moiisi£un    £kils 

GlAARDIir. 


SITNDAT  MAILS  FOR  MINISTERS. 


Aiu! 


Tea  see  now  why  Lord  Joity  Russell  and  bis  colieimics 
have  resisted  so  pently  the  Sabbatarian  invasion  of  the  liberty  of  the 
subject.  8t.  Martin-le-Grand  has  let  the  cat  out  of  the  bag  in  the 
following  notice  :— 

"  Br  Comun  or  mi  Tos-niAfi-m-anmui.. — To  iJI  prxitnuulnn,  nib-postzDutara, 
ud  letter  reoeircrt.—OeBcrftl  Foft-OfKce,  Jnlr,  I860.— With  nfcFence  to  iiutntetloa 
No.  Mt  1B60,  rclAtiro  lo  ttie  divcoDtlananoi  of  tM  ooUoctloa  and  deUreiy  of  the  lellen 
on  ft  BondAjr,  H  mait  be  clearly  itnderitoocl  thitt  the  reguteUoiu  therdn  laid  doirn  do 
not  u>plj  to  the  letters  eddnseod  to  Cabinet  Minlstare,  orto  the  oRloen  of  Oorerameiit 
neouoned  la  Section  18,  Part  10.  of  the  Book  of  Oe&ora]  InxtmettoaH  to  Poatzuutera. 
Tbeee  letter*  matt  itlll  be  fonrarded  oo  Sunday  bjr  tbo  ordlnarx  despatch." 

It  is  not  surprising  that  Ministers  should  put  up  contentedly  with  a 
pnblic  inconvenience  which  does  not  affect  themselves.  As  one  uian 
may  steal  a  horse  whilst  auother  may  not  look  over  a  hedge,  so  may  the 
Premier  be  allowed  to  have  a  letter  of  this  sort  forwarded  to  him  on 
Sunday:— 

"Dear  JonKinr,  ^  "  »oA«rr«,  Jitig2\. 

"  D^eHner  a  la  foMrchttU  here  early.  If  you  have  nothing 
better  to  do,  come.  "  Bkdford." 

Whcreaa  snch  an  epiatie  as  the  following  may  be  kept  l>-ing  a  whole 
day  in  the  Post-Offloo. 

"  Dear  Father,  "  Mafickesler,  Swrtdav  Momtnp." 

"  A  sad  change  has  come  over  poor  Mother  sudocnly.  Return 
directly,  if  you  wi^h  to  hoc  her  alive. 

"  Tonr  affectionate  Son, 

"W.^Err." 

Snnda/  is  a  dif4  non  to  the  public  at  hirge,  but  the  Ministerial  hoh  of 
the  day  is  non-observance.    Such  is  Sabbatomaniacal  legislation. 


A  THOirOHT  FOR  lOL.  BOBSKAV. 

CiiEMTSTRT  teaches  that  cverv  parliolc  of  matter  which  dL-yippcars  in 
combustion  or  evaporation  may  dc  obtained  iu  a  liquid  or  gaseous  form. 
How  interesting  it  would  Ik,  if  we  could,  by  anv  means,  collect  and 
exhibit  the  spiritual  products  of  the  expenditure  ot  episcopal  incomes  I 


THE  PARLLiMENTARY  JOE  MILLER. 

Members  of  Parliament  arc  becominp[  such  professed  jokers,  that 
wc  really  tremble  for  our  livelihood.  It  is  too  had  of  Hon.  M.P.'s  lo 
interfere  with  our  bread  and  cheese,  as  wc  do  not  attempt  to  interfere 
wth  theirs.  Wc  can  conscientiously  assert,  we  never  resorted  to 
bribery  or  corruption ;  we  can  proudly  confess  that  wc  never,  lo  the 
beat  oF  our  recollection,  barked  like  a  dog,  nor  crowed  like  a  oock.  nor 
whistled  like  a  steam-engine.  It  must  not  be  supposed  that  we  are 
jealous  of  "Honourable  Members."  Their  jokes  arc  ao  bad,  that, 
without  any  affectation,  or  pulling  np  of  our  shirt-colhira,  we  could 
not  make  them,  if  wc  were  to  try  ever  so  much.  Tlicir  Cacetionsnesa 
has  f^  the  compilation  and  weight  of  a  iiluc-book  about  it— so  much 
90,  that  if  we  were  reduced  lo  tho  verge  of  iocular  destitution,  we 
could  not  stoop  to  pick  up  an>-thing  so  cumbrous  and  hearv.  It 
would  he  like  putting  a  policeumn's  i)00t  on  the  legs  of  a  butterfly. 
It  is  not  jeaiousv,  but  nierc  prudence,  that  makes  us  speak  out.  It  la 
the  infection  of  had  joking  that  we  dread ;  for  whereas  one  bad  orange 
wiU  spoil  nu  entire  cargo,  so  a  number  of  bad  jokes  being  thrown 
into  the  market,  will  spoil  the  pure  commodity,  and  lessen  the  demand 
for  it. 

Tlic  debates  are  quite  hcavv  cnouith,  without  the  addition  of  anjr 
extra  heaviness,  and  it  is  really  gro\ring  a  pain  from  which  no  chloro- 
form can  relieve  us,  to  wade  through  the  fticrfia  of  the  lar^  ^^''^  ^ 
Parliiuuentary/rtrfcirr*.  It  is  like  rradiiig  one  of  the  early  editions  of  Joe 
Milicr.  The  jokes  of  the  Cioicit  in  t  he  Ring  arc  positively  new  eommred 
lo  those  wliicli  ore  followed  in  the  reports  by  "Laughter,"  "Great 
Laughter,"  "  More  Laughter."  Wc  imagine  that,  as  Hon.  Members  are 
indebted  to  Mn.  IVvrry  for  their  House,  so  they  argue  that  they  should 
be  equallv  indebted  to  his  namesake,  Mr.  Barrt,^  of  Astley's  Amphi- 
theatre, lor  their  speeches.  If  this  laste  for  panning  is  not  checked  in 
its  early  stage  of  punyhood,  St.  Stephens  will  become  very  little  better 
than  a  Circus,  and  the  sooner  Widdicoid  is  installed  as  Wliipper-in 
the  better  it  will  be  for  the  dignity  and  general  appearance  of  the 
House,  We  have  put  ourselves  to  the  trouble  of  Cijilecting  a  choice 
number  of  these  legislative  plea±^tries,  and  in  a  week  or  so  wc  hope^ 
if  our  courage  holds  good,  to  astonish  the  poor  reader  with  a  specimen 
or  two-  -selecting,  in  charity,  those  whicli  shall  be  the  least  n^d-^oT 
our  Pariiamentary  Joe  MiUcf, 


4 


4 

n 


VP 


PUNCn,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVART. 


4d 


ADVEKTI8EMENTS  IN   HIGH  UFB. 

Antoros  of  cert«iii  coutcmp'atcd  reductions  in  the  Civil  Li&t,  Lord 
[BSOOORAM  u  reported  to  have  aaid  in  the  House  of  Lords  that — 

**  Th»  CftvUih  viatoenej  wouU  bo  loM^cnd  If  each  thing*  wmn  allnwed  to  pua  m  1m 
'  ksHw  wan  turn  (mmIos,  nuDely,  tbfti  » lady  of  ibe  hfgh««t  rank.  oADooctiid  with  the 
itioilliw  bf  dtskM  Mid  m&rqfocwM  by  Um  MMiwt  Uea,  wm  rednecd  to  tbt  homlhatlng 
itty  of  •dwiUilDK^  for  the  oeeoauy  mploTSienL." 

loxR  fault  is  this,  Hcnbt,  hut  that  of  the  dukes  and  marquesses 

'^   The  **  iiparest  ties"  whcpchy  this  poor  lady  is  connected 

'  <■  rdntions  setm  to  be  puwe-slnngs,  which  she  has  a  I 

it   draws  them   uneommonly   iiglit.      The  meanness  of' 

'    in  aUowing  members  of  their  order  to  advertise  for' 

loyin  >ok  IcsaTnl^  if  a  paacr  were  storied  mider  the 

\ji  ■  [  iific  Adtertuer,  in  woico  the  thing  might  be  done 

-r  Rivlc.     The  rolumn  of  advertisetneuts  for  sitnations  should  be 

"  \\  JW*T   PlaCCS   UKDER  GovtRJiMENT  OH  JlBOUT  THE  CODRT. 

loiters  to  he  sealed  vitb  a  Crest/'    Suhjoined  ore  imagiiiar;  i 
kplcsofthe  "Wanta."  | 

\\S\U  OF  HONOUR.  A  young  Lwly.  who  cu  W  eottfidently  recom- 
fiiitwi  fts  nlM«  lo  B  Duke,  8iitcr-ln-U*t  to  a  Povr,  aad  ftnt  eowin  to  wvmrml 
dU.     Addrcu  to  Liidj  A.  B.,  G<64,  P«rk  Lrdb. 

QBOOM  OF  THE  STOLE.  A  ooblc  niddle^gcd  Lonl,  the  propfletw 
tAiriicr<antj,  MnHtonadlOKUeadtofafiitabla.  Dlraot  to  tbe  Eari  of  JL,  «■■« 
Emiiu,  Uoum  of  Lordflu 

RFOISTBAR    TO    A    BISHOP,    or   iftmething   of  that    wrt— The 

•niiff«r  »«D  of  a  ftimilr  of  rank,  v)io  mjujrs  k  lilch  da^rve  in  fubinoaMe  i^tlma- 

)»ii  titd  the  mUkiniiue  t»  be  plucked  at  nxiont.    As  tht  w-intff  gi-iiilcniaa's 

(•  ai*  modfrmtci,  and  bla  baMta  ezpenalr*.  lIxhlncM  of  nn|4uyin«Dt  woald  be  aa 

cwMth^  vIA  lariLOwa  of  Kalary  ;  Indwd,  a  ngular  itoerara  would  bo  pr»- 

pir^rf  tts  ft.  &,  B^^  Albany,  L«CU>r  Z. 

'I 


KMPI.OYF:.— A  Btnmct,  agrd  34.  who  rindt  it  ne«»- j 
(]  i-auto.  Ha«  tio«iKniubnuic«€MapthiadPb(a,aiid  DOobjocMon  I 

LiMtnfvT    Can  liavc  u  lLtm  yvan'  charartor  fhwi  hliylaM  to  ilw  ewinCry.    AMiawi 
I^AACiaiBirr  aitd  Viixtni,  SoUelton,  Chauaay  Laaa. 

other  parts  of  the  paper,  Gold  Slicks,  Black  Rods,  Stars,  Gartor», 

)ns,  and  other  valuables  of  that  natitre  might  be  advertised  for.  to 

mutual  convenience  of  noblemen  and  gentlemen  oomnumoinff 

on  the  one  hand,  and  of  the  Mimstrj  for  the  time  being  on  thjB 

(tit  to  return  to  Lobj>  BftououAM's  distressed  nohlcwomAn.  Her 
caae  may  bt!  dealt  vilb  easily  enough  by  certain  individual  meml>crsof 
Hic  House  of  Lords,  whom  it  concerns.  "Would  that  their  collective 
ijardahips  could  ns  easilv  dispoae  of  that  of  the  millions  who  can  obtain 
no  employment,  although  they  advertise  for  it,  and  pay  a  most  monstrous 
tsi  f«r  80  doing  \ 


SUNDAY  AT  THE   MLNT. 

John  Thomas,  full  private  of  the  190th  Greens,  and  &  Sabbath  man 
to  the  back  bone,  thnus  his  a  jpartir'larly  hard  case. 

Lord  AaHLrr—- (and  nmv  fie  never  be  a  Cabinet-maxle  MinisfeeTi 
because  as  I  read  t'other  day  at  the  Warrior's  Gate  tap,  all  Cabinet- 
made  Ministers  are  lo  have  tlicir  letters  deUvered  to  *ein  on  Sundays 
whether  they  will  or  no) — Loru  Ashley  has  stopped  Sunday  labour  at 
the  Post-Omce,  tbongh  tliey  do  say  the  labour  s  to  begin  agin,  bmt 
that 's  not  it. 

Lord  Ashley  is  asked  to  look  at  the  Sundav  labour  in  the  anny ; 
and  moai  partic'lartv  at  the  bekniihted  state  of  tbe  loyal  190lh  Greens, 
at  present  doing  duty  nt  the  Queen's  Mint. 

For  the  last  three  Sundays,  have  I,  John  Thomas,  full.private,  and 
ceteni,  been  upon  guard  aa  scnlrr  during  the  very  hours  of  forenoon 
church.  Here  have  I  been  walking  un  and  down,  hug^ne  Brown 
Bess — (which.  If  it  come  to  fighting,  they  'd  make  me  load  wiUiDall,  and 
fire  away  upon  the  Sabbath,  thick  as  pepper,) — here  have  I,  on  Sunday, 
been  guarding  the  Mint,  and  therefore,  m  a  manner  in  which  tlierc  con 
be  DO  mistake  about  it.  serving  MAmo:<,  while  all  tlic  Post-Ofiicea  is 
shut,  and  Lord  AsiruiY  in  fus  Sunday  pew  Mo—iTig  himself  for  the 
Post-Offioes  being  at  church. 

Now,  I  put  it  to  Lord  AsirtEY,  whether  the  souls  of  the  loyal  190th 
Greens  ans  not  to  be  cared  for  by  Parliament  Hotise  as  well  as  the  souls 
of  Po9t*mastcr8  and  missuses  ?  And  why  should  the  anny  do  duty  on 
Sundays  especially  at  the  Mint,  where  is  the  root  of  all  evil),  when,  as 
IvORD  AsuLBY  can  prove  as  well  as  he 's  proved  the  wickednesa  of 
Sunday  letten^  that  on  Sunday  even  the  Army  of  Mnrt)i&  was  made 
and  intended  to  do  nothing  but  stand-ot-ca.'U'  ? 

Postaeript. — The  loyal  19Uth  Greens  cannot  help  thanking  Mr. 
Stumptrrr,  Mr.  Db  Newgate,  and  the  other  friends  of  Lono  Ashley, 
for  having  put  down  the  Fouish  florin.  Only  them  as  has  had  to  do  ii^ 
can  judge  of  tlio  feelings  of  the  190th,  called  upon  to  do  duty  nt  a  Mint, 
with  a  Pa^pist  Master  at  the  heud,  and  no  Dbaj'  I'idd  u|}ou  the  silver 
that  came  out  of  it,  whi<^  fully  accounted  for  tbe  blight  in  the  'tatot. 
God  save  the  Qulev,— Juax  Thomas. 


CLAIMS  or  THB  BRITISH  CHORUS. 

To  Ur.  Punch. 

0X8IDBRWG.  Sir,  yon  fre- 
quently oblige  the  world 
With  songs,  we  make  bold 
to  implore  you  to  give  us 
a  little  empbyment  oc- 
casionally. At  present  we 
are  in  a  state  of  destitn- 
tion  for  want  of  an  en- 
gagement. Wo  have  scon 
better  days,  and  in  good  old 
English   times  wcr«   oon- 

I'^*^^^^!'      ^~^  -CfcfL--^^*^        tinually   in  rvqniaitioQ  as 
*^^^^^  "T^.^^tSc^      Choroa.    But  now,  we  are 

-^^  ^         Sf  jj         j,orry  to  say,  we  aro  en- 
tirely  aupenteded   by  our 
fbrrigs  rirals,  Tra  La  Lira  La.    Wc  submit  taat  they  have  ao  ad- 
Tvntage  of  DS  whatever,  either  in  respect  of  sonnd  or  sense,  and  are 
Sur,  your  obedient  hnmbic  Servants, 
^m  Toi.  DB  RoL  LoL. 

To 


THE  BARDEai  WORKED  MAN  DT  TITE  CITY. 

TnTtt'.cNER,   writing  of  London^  with    the    usnal    ignorance  nf 

^,  *'  The  duties  of  the  City  Remembrancer  ore  to  remind 

rind  Common  Councilnicn  when  they  forg^^t  thems^lce*'* 

9  c&u  Jui)  bay  tjiat,  if  these  were  his  dtttica,  no  one  man  could  do  it. 


UMT  TO  ALL  lEXBE  OT  TOUCH,   SIGHT,   AND  TEELIKG. 

Tint  Keepers  of  the  Reoonin  know  ao  little  of  tbe  Records  entrusted 
lo  ihclr  cbam,  that,  when  aaked  for  any  partioikiw  document,  their 
■Bswcr  iavBciiibly  !■»    Am  in  Mitordo." 


I     BBawcr  iavBciMuy  !■»    j 


THE  NEPAULESE  HUNT. 

This  famous  hunt  still  continues.  No  sooner  ia  a  sight  caught 
of  the  NepaiUese  Princes,  than  the  whole  company  niiac  the  hue  and 
cry,  and  nm  in  full  pursuit  of  them,  llic  Chiswick  FMe  was  a  grand 
day  of  Uiis  description.  There  could  not  have  been  less  than  ten 
thousand  persons  in  the  field,  including  a  goodly  muster  of  the  fair  sex, 
who  enjoyed  the  sport  rarely.  The  Nepaulesc  Ambassador  was  hunted 
under  a  scorching  sun,  for  full  two  oours,  in  the  most  determined 
manner.  How  he  managed  to  keep  up  so  long  was  astonishing,  and  we 
think  he  would  have  been  run  down  at  the  tlrst  burKt,  only,  from  the 
vast  extent  of  the  gardens,  when  once  he  was  fairly  starteu,  he  could 
not  well  escape.  He  got  in  the  Duke  of  Devonshire's  kitchen-garden 
amongst  the  cabbages,  and  could  not  get  out  again.  As  it  was,  he  kept 
dodging  in  and  out  from  t  ree  to  tree,  running  from  one  tent  to  another, 
in  the  hopes  of  cluaing  his  pursuers,  but  all  in  vain ;  they  never  left  him 
for  a  minute,  and,  wherever  he  went,  there  were  always  some  hundreds 
close  upon  his  heds. 

It  la  a  question  whether,  for  our  own  pleasure,  we  have  any  right  to 
inflict  so  much  pnin  and  positive  torture  upon  a  living  creature,  and 
the  poor  persecuted  Prince  must  have  suffered  tremendously.  As  it 
was,  many  ladies  were  severely  punished,  and  we  noticed  on  tlie  ground 
the  mangtffd  remaina  of  two  or  three  valuable  parasols,  which  must 
have  been  literally  torn  to  pieces  in  the  intenaitv  of  the  rush.  Ulti- 
mately tbe  poor,  puiting,  Nepaulese  Ambaaaaaor  was  caught,  and 
carried  off  in  a  carriage,  to  be  unoarted  again  at  some  future  festive 
occasion  for  the  amusement  of  Her  Majesty's  respectable  subject. 
We  hope  to  give  the  earhest  uitelligence  of  the  day  appointed  fur  th« 
meet. 


The  £Bd  of  Repeat 

Thocoh  Repeal  has  not  succeeded,  it  may  be  said  to  have  nained  its 
end,  or  at  all  events  its  own  end,  for  it  came  to  a  termination  iast 
Monday  week,  and  a  short  funeral  oratiuu  was  spoken  by  Ma.  John 
O'CoBueLL.  The  poor  thing  W  died  in  the  moat  diatreesed  cixeum- 
stances,  with  all  its  rent  in  terrible  arrear,  and  with  acaroely  a  roof 
over  its  head:  for  it  visa  int iiuatcd  tliat  the  existence  of  Repeal  had 
become  a  landlord's  question,  and  that  the  landlord  of  the  UaU  would 
no  k)nger  tolerate  auoh  a  miserable  tenant.  Mk  Jouv  O'CoitiigUi 
intimated  that  the  cause  of  the  death  of  Repeal  was  the  ntgleot  of  tha 
oountrv  to  "speak  out^"  but  it  is  Derfoctly  well  understoM  that  tL? 
ni^glect  of  the  country  "to  fork  out '^  was  llie  real  c»u»cuftbe  csilm- 
Irfjphe.  An  old  woman  and  an  elderly  man  in  a  bail  liat  and  bankrupt 
circumstances  were  the  last  to  adhere  to  the  "  dear  departed ;"  and 
when  thfl  Hall-keeper  fame  to  **  dear  oot»"  tiiey  reluctantly  retind. 


^*»^aWC 


Deucitb  Statk  or  the  HirroFOTAia's.    It  is  q&psrej}  Cuakqe  or  Aib,  asd  a  utile  Sea-Bathdi«. 


TiiE  fashionnble  lions  will  be  aoon  "ninninff  down  "  to  the  sea-side, 
and  if  such  refreshment  i»  required  for  the  faahionaSle  lion.\"  why 
not  for  Umt  prralcst  of  all  the  lions  of  the  season,  the  liippopoUnius  ? 
AVe  think  it  is  higlt  time  that  the  poor  animsl  obtained  the  beneCt  of 
the  invigorating  sea  breeze  after  toe  labours  of  the  past  few  cionths, 
during  which  lie  has  been  the  " obaervcd  of  all  obser\er8,"  and  the 
centre  of  attraction  to  the  whole  uietropoUa.  There  is  also  another 
reason  why  the  nnimM  should  quit  town,  at  least  for  a  time,  in  the  fact 
of  the  arrival  of  a  rival  in  the  Bnapc  of  the  hrgest  Tortoise  in  the  world. 


aware 


who  threatens  to  dislocate  the  nose  of  the  Hippopotamus.  This  Tortoise  I  auta^nist 


is  Raid  to  be  a  hundred  and  ciffhtv  ^cars  old,  though  we  are  not 
whether  Die  ceriificate  of  his  birtli  is  in  existence. 

It  is  said  Ihut  four  sailors  can  danc<%  and  have  danced,  a  hornpipe  oa 
the  animal's  back,  which  proves  that  the  poor  creature  has  bcitn  very 
much  put  ufMin.  There  will,  no  doubt,  be  a  sharp  competition  between 
the  Tortoise  and  the  HippojKjtamuB  in  the  ensuing  season,  and  aa  slow 
and  steady  frequcntlv  wins  the  mcc  of  public  favour,  we  would  scarcely 
mind  bettmjr  that  in  ilu!  lonir  run— which  in  this  instance  must  be  a 
walk— the  Hippopotamus  may  be  left  in  the  rear  of  his  more  deliberate 


GOVERNMENrS  BROKEN  SLUMBERS. 


ScBNB.— Z'oK'fwV  tSireei. 


A  Cabinet  Coundh    Ministebs  repotinff. 
Yaw— aw— aw!  {Yenem 


Thir  Chancellor  of  the  Exchequer  ijuttf  axleep) 
a»H  xtrrtrhrn.)     What  a  Iwrc  i 

The  Premier  [waking  np).  Eh !    WKat  's  the — yaw — aw— matter? 

Ch/tn/rlhr  of  thr  Ktrhegttrr.  O  •  —  h !  Why  the  Hodse  has  voted 
for  the  repeal  of  the  Attorneys'  certificate  duty— ya— a — oh!  There 
goes  £100»000  from  the  revenue.    Heigho ' 

PreMter.  Now,  T  suppose, — yaw — aw !  the  public  will  insist  on  our 
takintf  off  the  window  tax.  They  'U  say  tliat  the  tax  on  Uwyera  is — 
yaw  !— nothinf?  to  the  tax  on  U^'ht. 

ChaneeUor  of  the  SxcAemter.  Then  we  shall  be  dunned  for  the  paper 
—raw— aw!  and  strunp^luties. 

7*remur.  And  the  m— aw— aw— aw— the  malt-tax. 

CkanaeUori^  the  Erchequer.  How— yaw— aw— the  deuce  do  they  ex- 
pect us  to— 2aw ! — make  up  the  revenue  ? 

Pnmier.  Well,  I'm  afraid  there's  only  one  way— yaw — by  revising 
our  old  systems  of  tux/itioii  and  expenditure. 

OhtnoMoe  of  the  Krcheqtier  That  will  be  a  terrible  deal  of— Oh !  dear 
me.  I  'm— yaw    oo  decpy— trouble. 

Premier.  Yaw — aw — aw— aw— aw!  I'm  nfriiid  it's  what  wo  shall 
have  to  oome  to  at  last. 

a^Mkffiior  of  the  Krekeqner.  What  Sfty  ? 
Premier.  Ujn! 

Chamvttor  qf  tka  RtchepUT.  Mp !  [TAty  fio  $o  tletp  a^atm. 


THE  FHUITS  OF  RAILWAY  TRAVELLING. 

Tmiui  is  a  certain  tunnel  on  the  North  Kent  Line,  whioh  wa^  be 
considered  as  a  sort  of  rendezvous  for  lu^rage  trains,  imbecile  engines, 
and  runaway  locomotives,  which  occiisioiuuly  effect  a  somewhat  incon- 
vement  r^mmon  within  tlie  dark  recess  alluded  to.  A  few  days  since,  a 
cargo  of  fruit  got  fastened  in  the  ttmnel,  alter  several  fruitless  efforts 
to  get  out,  when  a  passengcrlra'm  came  ruumig  merrily  along, 
and  was  convertwl  into  a  sort  of  jam  among  the  currants  and  goose- 
berries. It  was  fortunate  for  the  travellers  that  the  matciioT  with 
which  they  were  hnm^rbt  into  colliaiou  was  oomparattTely  soft,  fot 
thouffh  it  is  diaagrecable  to  fiUl  on  a  ])ile  of  stones — even  thon^  they 
should  be  only  cherry-stones.— and  though  a  smash  in  any  shape,  even 
among  strawoerries  and  raspberries,  is  disasrecable  enough,  itlQ  it 
might  have  been  worse,  whicli  cannot  be  said  of  every  railway  ■urt'dfiit 


Making  Jokea  by  Steam* 

Teebx  is  not  much  general  rescmblanee  botweru  a  steam-enjHne  aad 
a  8tage-c<vich,  and  yet  there  is  a  small  point  of  similarity  between  them 
in  the  ntd.  As  the  n*ier  will  only  tire  hia  head  in  enes-sim;  that  which 
never  conld  be  cncsscd,  even  supoosing  he  was  in  the  habit  of  *'  gueaa- 
uur"  as  frc^mcntly  as  a  thnrough-nred  genu/a^  Yankee,  we  dont  mixni 
teltin(r  him  that  a  sleam-enjnne  is  like  a  staTe-coach,  because, at  tfaecnd 
of  the  journey,  it  lUwaj-s  discharges  its  team  (iV*  tteam). 


4 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


51 


SpuUI  Bojf,  "  Now  rasK.  tou   Sib  !    Do^'r   tou   know   ko 

THA.**     TO   ftOW   VP   AOIN    A    MlMRFRO'    pA&LtMEtT— JfST   TOU  COUE  BACK, 

AKD  ricK  UP  ar  *at,  oa  I*m  blowbo  ir  I  ooff'T  makr  rxat" 


A     BIT     OF     MY     MIND, 


BIT  THE  FOURTEENTH. 
mh,  xouser  whites  a  CErsL  letter  rnojc  pakis  ;  awd  mbs.  movsek 

1UTU£&  B£Lli:V£&  sue   ASSWEHS   IT. 

"WiiEX  printing  was  found  out,  of  course,  Mr.  PwtcA,  it  wasn't  to  be 
thought  of  that  wouion  were  to  take  the  libcrt/  of  the  press.  Ob,  no ! 
print  uic  types,  like  tabors,  are  onijr  to  be  con&idcred  aa  belonging  to  the 
iiiiL-^culiuc  gender.  A  woman  may  cairv  a  monntain  of  WTong:^  about 
with  her,  and  not  so  much  as  put  one  before  the  public.  She  is  expected 
to  die,  aud  u«ver  so  much  as  squeak.  This  is  the.  old  storj-;  and 
MuusEK— as  I  intend  to  let  all  the  earth  know— is  only  Ukc  ttu;  rest  of 
the  world,  which  I  little  expected  when  I  married  him. 

The  little  letter  vou  printed  for  uie  last  week;  a  little  letter— I  will 
say  it— bi«  with  the  w-ronp  of  woman  as  regards  her  age  which  is, 
perhaps,  tne  moat  scriooi  thing  in  life  ;  that  letter  has  drawn  upon  my 
devoted,  and  I  will  say  it,  aireciionatc  hood  the  most  heart-breaking 
reply.  If  1  was  a  stock  or  stone— which  Mopszh  knows  I  'ni  not ; 
quite  the  reverse — 1  could  not  have  been  treated  with  colder  indifference 
not  to  say  contempt.  And  all  for  what  ?  But  you  shall  hear.  I  aead 
you  Mb.  Moussa^s  letter :  1  don't  say  that  I  mayn't  be  sorry  for  it 
when  I  see  it  in  print,  and  my  passion's  over;  but  I  '11  risk  /JU/— and 
here  it  is,  copied  off, 

"Mr.  MocstB,  Pant,— to  Mbs,  Molseb,  londi/n. 

"Paris,  Jutp.io. 

{Onljf  juat  ohwrwi  the  art — tkf  intuit  of  thU^  Mb.  1'umch.  Pari** 
whort;  jiui  at  if  he  tlept  upon  thr  patemmt,  ontt  couldn't  tenta  from  a 
Ui^fftnp,  80  that  I  mifffitn'tjmd  him.^ 

"  Air  dearest  Ahsua, 

[Bui  (iai 'a  adwapa  AiM  wap;  tn  Engtand  it's  ont^  *  dear*  ;  but ,  as  I 
'ffj'.  7*»'  i*^f  Ai>  art ;  (he further  he  ^eti  o/f  tht  tfndertr  he  is.'} 

"My  dearest  Ameua,— Happening  in  the  most  casual  manner  to 
enter  the  Caff  des  Mans  Innmsolahles*  I  took  up.  to  distract  the 
weariue-ss  of  absence,  Ihw  week's  Punch  ;  for  since  the  liberal  reign  of 
<'■■  "-'"^  ■■'■■n1,  that  revf'  '  r-  i.umnl— wisely  stopt  at  all  ports  and 
I'  Iy>i;i.s-I'np  -^nnittcd  to  disscniinatc  its  venom  in 

I  'ff  a  happy  i^;         .        vd  people. 


*  1  'm  not  ubunod  to  own  I  <U«'t  know  Prancfa,  I  know  so  mmttr  batter  thlnffi.  Bol 
Mul  ItoKjruLOWGii,  «|ui  wu  broosrht  up  u  DaalJrlc  uyt  thli  U  Frcnrlj  iV>r  "  Tha 
rut.tlr-ti'UM!  i>f  caU  Tur  (acuvukblx  llutbuida,"  aod  aIiii  ftddi  th«t  I'«iia  inAnn*  villi 
jttrh  pUr-Tx.     Tti«  ai-itv  ■hAinij  fur  Piuia  * 


"  Ahtujl,  I  was  hurt— I  was  shocked — I  was  affected — [Nonsense/ 
Mr.  PvTicn,  /'rr  seen  the  hippopotamHS,  and  ait  I  aay  is,  try  and  shock 
that — that's  ntl.l — affected  beyond  the  power  of  expression,  especially 
with  liie  thermometer  ranging  at  coutinaaJ  cold- brand y-«nd -water  heat 
—shocked,  1  ^&\'j  to  tiiid  that  my  own  vrife,  the  treasure  of  my  affco- 
tions,  and  certainly  the  lifrhtest  hand  at  a  custurd — [Mxi.  Mouseu — 
/  knoie  htm — (htnkx  this  a  joke ;  wh'rh  I  don't.'] — should  have  hi  forifotten 
her  position  at  her  own  lireside,  and  the  honoured  place  in  her  husband's 
heart — [All  1  say* s  this ;  I  hate  tnotcn  a  hnsSamd^s  h^rt  lilr  a  carpet- 
&affy  ana  'specially  tile  a  carpet-daff  on  a  journey ;  that  is,  irith  altcaya 
room  to  take  aomrthing  nctc  u  i/.]— in  her  husband*a  heart,  without  the 
advice,  the  affectionate  counsel,  even  without  his  knowledge,  to  exhibit 
herself  in  print— in  nrint,  too,  arcomponicd  with  the  lowest  cuts  at  the 
highest  hfe,  and  hou-andnob— [/r^/?i^  rfo«  A<f  mean  by  hob-ond-mh  f] — 
with  wnglinga  nnd  witlings. 

"Amelia,  placed  as  we  are  by  Destiny — [DestiMv/  But  he  newr 
takes  an^thinff  in  his  head  for  his  oten  pleasure  but  d  isn't  Iksitny  that 
makes  him  do  it — I  're  knotm  Destiny  carry  him  io  the  London  Tuvem  to 
dinner^  and  Dc^liny  bring  him  home  at  tico  in  the  momtM,  I  icon't  say 
hoic,  tn  a  cab,  and  tcith  no  money  to  pav  iV.l — placed  bv  Destiny  in 
two  different  capitals,  witli  t  he  briny  ana  billowy  &ea  rofling  bet  wccu 
us,  I  would  not  wall  to  you  a  syllable  that,  like  a  summer  gnat  (and  1 
feel  wlwt  that  is)  should  carry  n  bite  with  it.  Ncverl  hclcss,  my  Ajuelia, 
my  duty  as  a  liusbnud — iJfut  note,  you  'U  see,  he  ^Sffoing  to  be  disapreeakle; 
for  I  httite  him — whentvrr  he  talks  of  his  duty,  hrjiira  into  a  fury  directl^^ 
— my  duty  as  a  husband  compels  me  to  rebuke  you.  Wliy  call  the 
attention  of  a  aarcaslic  and  uncharitable  world  to  that  unfortunate 
snbjcctj  jour  age?  Why  even  hint  at  it?  /know  how  old  you  arc — 
'Jiideed!  Are  you  quite  sure  of  that  .^—isnA\  feel  that  to  be  quite  enoup-h 
—I  may  sav,  even  more  Ihau  enougn. — [Another  trial  at  a  joke;  lehteh 
I  don't,  and  won't  understand.] 

"  But,  not  to  be  iminful,  1  w  ill  cease  to  dwell  npon  your  age.  For  a 
really  good  wife,  Amrua,  like  good  wine,  impnives  with  krcping — 
under  lock  and  key  [Oh,  y^jr .'  He  cant  begin  a  ctrti  pretty  thinff.  trilh- 
out  duppinff  it  in  rinegar  at  the  end.]  Yes,  Auelia  ;  dcliciously  awcct  is 
it  to  biive  in  conjugiu  love,  tliat  winc-of-Ufc— the  bees-wing  in  the  eye, 
and  more  particularly  when  there  is  no  bee-sting  in  the  tongue.  [A 
pack  of  nonsense  /  And  I  *m  turCf  then  V  nobody  can  tcer  get  a  teord  $n, 
\for  MousER.] 

"My  beloved  Ameua,  sepamtcd  as  we  are — [and  he  never  says  a 
teord  when  he  expects  tnef] — I  cannot  if  1  would  be  harsh— for  the  heart, 
the  heart  expands  with  absence.  [Especially,  no  doubt,  at  the  Incon- 
solahU  Hushands^^  I  might  tell  you  with  wnat  particular  interest  I 
looked  at  our  native  laud  from  Boidogne.  Howl  then  felt  that— so  far 
[distant — you  were  ncTcr  dcArertome.  [Tdaresay.  ^hetciuonlyinthe 
Indies^  and  I  where  I  am,  of  course,  there  d  be  no  waring  his  fomtaejtg'' — 
How,  for  the  finit  time,  1  experienced  the  great  botu»ehola  truth,  that 
the  soul  swells  through  a  telcscoiw ! 

"Therefore,  my  Ameija,  I  will  chide  yon  gently.  With  a  dove's 
feather — a  ring-dove's — [Aw  doubt ;  a  tcedding-ringdace^s  f] — feaUicr, 
will  1  chastise  my  beloved.  Why,  mv  Amelia,  why  did  you  print  ? 
[As  if  he  only  knew  it  now  f]  1  cannot  near  a  wife  in  print ;  no — I  wiith 
to  be  calm,  tender,  and  affectionate^  because  we  are  divided — but  1 
wotUd  as  soon  see  a  wife  in  the  pillor)*.  Amelia,  your  com^tlcxion  was 
never  made  for  black ;  and  you  never  looked  worse,  that  is,  in  mv  eyes 
— [_ff^hich  I  Uhow  he  means  is  saying  a  good  dlra/.]— never  worse  tliaa  in 
pnnter'fl  ink.     [T  shall  wear  it  from  iteek  to  week  for  all  ihat.^ 

*'  The  Romans,  Amelia,  were  a  great  people — lA  set  qf  brutes  f] — and 
they  divorced  their  wives  [The  naifs  head  u  altoays  running  on  that  suh. 
ject ;  and  on  ichat  arcount,  gracious  goodness  knoiea/] — divorced  them  for 
using  without  authority,  iheir  husbands'  keys.  [What  nest.'']  Had 
the  Romans  possessed  a  public  press — I  wish,  as  1  observed,  to  say 
nothing  harab,  for  the  weather  is  appallingly  sultry,  and  by  no  means  fit 
for  a  jassion-  besides  being  separated^  I  feel  it  particularly  my  duty, 
as  it  IS  mv  delight,  to  be  kind  and  forgiving — had  <he  Romans  enjoyed 
a  press,  tne/  would,  no  doubt,  judging  from  the  geniiLsof  their  conjngiil 
laws,  have  instantly  separated  themselves,  once  and  for  ever  from  their 
wives,  had  they — without  decided  and  direct  permission  of  their  marital 
lonls — \  Fiddlesticks  f] — dipped  their  weddca  fingers  in  printers*  ink, 
You  will,  therefore,  dearest  Ameua.  draw  your  own  conclusions,  and 
that  OS  mUdly  as  you  roav  from  what  I  have  »aid,  and  always  believe 
mc — [Oh,  yes^  esperially  abroad.] — 

"  Your  affectionate— [rwy  i^eeiionate;  a»d,still  not  a  word  aioui  meeting  f] 
"  And  devoted- [■©  doubt ;  to  the  Inconsolablesf] 
*'  Husband  till  death— [aN^/vftf  now  he  taiked  qfa  divorce  f\ 
"Jonx  MocsEB-— [rtJirfAr  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  himee{f  to  write  it/] 

"  P.S.  I  have  been  tdl  day  long  trying  to  pitch  upon  a  scarf  for  my 
beloved. — [J can't  help  my  vtind  msgicing ;  but  dors  he-  mean  me  ?] 

"  P.S.  No.  2.  I  would  buy  you  some  beautiful  shoes ;  but  I  can't  get 
any  snudl  eaough.— [/  know  that;  but,  when  J  go  to  Paris,  surety,  I  can 

choose  for  myself!] 

_   '  P.S.  No.  3.  Direct,  dearest,  to  the  Posl-Ofllcc.    For  I  am  t/ild  that, 
smce  I  begun  this  kllcr,  another  revolution  is  expected ;  *nd,  therefore. 


.fcTx-i- 


52 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


M  in  rarolations  people  ar«  ofUa  compelled  to  leave  their  bdcrngft,  I 
don'l  know  when  yo\iT  dear,  dear,  dearest  letter  arrives — [No,  not  a  word 
aUcvt  MY  omwi/.]— where  yoar  tnm  Mousea  may  be." 

And  that,  .Vr  Pt$m-A,  in  wh^t  I  haTereoeived&omim  absent  husband; 
that  i3  the  reward  of  in  afTectiouate  irife,  and 

YoTir  constant  writer, 
TJt4  HfmtytkcktM,  Amxxu  Uoi;s£]l 


THE  BOYAL  PIIOVIDENT  FUND. 

uvea  ia  anxious  to  give  publicity  to  an  insti- 
tution which,  under  the  above  title,  or  &oroe 
other  cqnaUv  exprcsaivc,  must  positively  bo 
established  ior  t he  jnirpose  of  securing  a  pro- 
viaion  for  the  destitute  widows  and  orpluuu 
of  lloyaltY.  The  necessity  of  xia  formation  is 
manifestea  by  a  case,  whica  a  sense  of  decorum 
did  not  prevent  the  Premier  from  briugiug 
before  Parliament,  and^  therefore,  will  not  for- 
bid Mr.  Puitck  to  mention.  The  late  DuilU  or 
Cablbridoe,  having:  Ion?  beesi  in  the  receipt 
of  £27.fXjO  a-jear,  leavn  uis  children  in  such  a 
state  of  such  extreme  indigence,  that  Govern- 
ment, being  obliged  to  provide  for  them,  prevails  upon  the  Legislature 
to  give  the  eldest  son  an  anuual  pension  of  £13,000.  Mr.  Punch  must 
say  that,  if  any  one  of  the  distinguished  wntcrs  with  whom  he  it 
acquainted  had  neld,  for  a  lengthened  scries  of  years,  an  engagement  of 
upwards  of  £500  a- week >  and  liad  died  \rithout  making  a  provision  for 
his  family,  he,  Mr.  Punchy  would  have  been  highly  scandalised;  and  a 
sense  of  auty  to  his  Order  compels  him  to  remark  that  the  dereliction 
in  gnesliou  is  a  gross  instance  of  the  improvidence  of  nonlitcrar>'  men. 
It  is  said  that  the  £37,000  was  chiefly  spent  in  charltv ;  a  plea  which 
siiggestfl  tba  obvious  reflection  that  charity  should  oegiu  ut  home. 
That  such  will  be  the  commencement  of  that  admirable  virtue  in  the 
pmotico  of  Ro^iU  Dukes  and  LViuccs,  is  the  result  to  be  hoped  from 
the  foundation  of  the  Roy^J  Provident  Pund,  wtiich  of  course  is  to  be 
self-supportinsL  and  will  be  iiiaiidy  dependent  on  the  class  whom  it 
more  cspeciaDv  concerns.  Like  any  other  benevolent  institution, 
however,  it  will  be  u^n  to  subscriptions  from  everybody ;  and  there 
rnn  be  no  doubt  that  it  will  receive  an  amount  of  encouragement  com- 
ineuAurute  with  the  public's  appreciation  of  the  importance  of  main- 
taining all  the  connexions  of  the  Crown  in  splendour.  Were  ft  Prince 
of  the  Blood  to  get  his  allowance  from  a  Fund  like  this,  he  mi^ht  ride 
liis  two  hundred  gninca  charger  independently,  without  exposing  hirn- 
self  to  8uch  invidioas  remarks,  as  "There  coes  £12,00<)  a-year,  and 
nothing  to  show  for  it  but  the  clothes  •"  or,  'There  goes  the  equivalent 
to  two  dozen  superannuated  men  of  science  or  letters,  comfortably 
provided  for  with  £500  a^ycar  each." 

llie  fioyal  Provident  Fund  will  anticipate  an  objection  which  some 
future  Parhamtnt  may  entertain  to  enabUng  Royal  Highnesses  to  be 
chiuitahle  at  the  cxpeu!>e  of  Mr.  Jou.n  Bull.  That  gentleman  dues 
not  much  like  penniless  families  to  be  devised  to  him,  even  uben  the 
jmrents'  claims  ore  considerable.  Nxlsoa  bequeathed  Uo&atu  to  his 
couuiry,  but  the  Icgateo  has  not  /et  aominiatAred  to  the  wilL 
i^iKUTXNAKT  Waououi'b  widow  cnjoys  a  pension  some  desrees 
short  of  £12,000  a  year.  It  is  to  be  feared  that  if  Ma.  Bull's  wishes 
were  consulted,  the  Royal  Provident  Fund  is  all  that  Royalty's  poot 
relations  would  have  to  look  to. 

It  may  be  a  recommendation  of  the  Royal  Provident  Fund,  to  state 
one  rutner  important  element  in  its  arrangements.  The  pensions  derived 
from  it  will,  in  every  case  but  thai  of  absolute  imbecility,  be  annexed  to 
situations  and  employments :  and  tho  duties  of  the  latter  will  be  pro- 
|X)rtiuQcd  as  ncarl)'  as  possible  to  the  amount  of  tlie  fonner.  It  may 
uocur  to  the  reader  that  Loan  JouN  Russell  mif^t  as  well  have  had 
this  principle  in  view  when  he  gave  aiA'ay  £12,000  per  anuom  of  the 
jmbhc  money  the  other  day. 


PUNCH  FAIRLY  PUZZLKD. 


\\i^  arc  not  very  easily  baffled  in  an  attempt  to  solve  a  conundrum ; 
we  have  seen  through  a  deal  board  when  it  has  been  riddled  all  over 
with  shots ;  wc  have  never  had  a  difficulty  about  a  charade,  and  as  to 
a  rebus  wc  have  gone  to  it  so  boldly  that  our  fortiUr  in  rtbus  never 
muM  be  for  an  instant  questioned  ;  but  we  admit  ourselves  to  l)e  fuiHy 
pu/yJed  by  aa  Bdvertiscmeut.  ap(>carim:  almost  diiilv,  in  the  papers, 
leaded,  "The  oldest  Juwnile  tVpAt  in  Lnndon.'*  Wo  cannot  undcr- 
itoncl  the  compatibility  between  old  ago  aud  juvrDilitr,  which  that 
iinnounoonicnt  implic».  Porliaps,  however,  there  is  i  janv-buekiMn  nr 
oldlx>)'ishucss  about  the  conoera  whiub  justifies  the  title  given  to  it  in 
the  udrci'tiscmcutH  ;  but  at  all  events,  in  the  ahecocc  of  any  auihorised 
cxnUnatiop.  wc  admit  ourselves  unable  to  say  with  coufldenou  what  the 
"  Oldest  Juvenile  Depot  in  London  *'  cnn  possibly  mean. 


SUMMER  NOVELTIES  IN  BALLOONS. 

TireRE  seems  to  be  nothing  stirring  mueli,  eiccpting  balloons — Mid 
they  are  "up  and  stirring"  in  every  direction.  Tlie  honseh<ilders  who 
live  in  the  neighbourhoods  of  Vauxhall  and  the  Crcmorne  Gaideaa, 
roust  have  a  nice  time  of  it.  What  with  the  sboutin?,  and  the  crowds, 
and  the  noise,  and  the  fireworks,  they  must  detest  the  cry  of  "  Bailoon! 
Balloon!"  almost  as  much  as  a  lady  abhors  the  oimouncomcnt  of 
"  Please,  ma'am  the  kitchen  chimblcy's  on  fire."  These  detestations, 
too,  must  be  ratner  hei^rfitened  by  the  probability  of  a  parsrhutc,  with 
a  Uve  liger  in  it.  dropping  in  the  back  garden,  or  of  a  numtwr  of  sky- 
rockets falling  tbrougn  the  skylight,  and  astonisliinff  the  master  and 
missus,  as  they  are  maztriunff  solemnly  \rith  their  candlesticks  up  to  bed. 

llie  rage  for  experimental  balloons  must  be  stoujied.  or  el.se  all  sorts 
of  extravagancies,  animal  and  pjTutcchnical.  will  oe  committed  in  the 
name  of  science,  and  every  little  t<?a-garden,  nr  suburlMin  snlooii  that 
comnmnda  six  saunre  jrards  of  open  spao^in  i  ^  rtAr,  of  tlie 

house,  will  be  anvcrtising  a  "  Wonderful  Aacri  "  ilh  or  with- 

out  fireworks,  or  else  with  a  pony,  or  a  bone,  or  a  ....:.._,,  ji  some  tbin^ 
of  that  sort.  The  mania  of  imitation  exists  as  strongly  between  capitids 
08  between  individuals,  and,  as  it  extends,  ia  sure  to  increa&e  in 
absnrdity.  Now.  as  Paris  has  latclv  witnessed  the  ascent  of  a  Balloon 
with  a  pony,  all  ahve  and  Licking.  London  is  certain  to  be  favoured 
before  long  with  the  exhibition  of  some  intrt^pid  orrouaut  who  will 
richly  deserve  the  laurels,  as  well  as  the  appellatioa  of  urken,  by 
nacending  with  a  bull,  or  a  giraffe,  or,  it  may  be,  an  elephant.  Who 
knows,  if  thk  public  appetite  for  Balloons  grows  more  ruvenous,  that  we 
may  not  be  utoni&hed  some  fine  momins  at  brciikfost,  with  the 
onnounoenMnt  in  the  papers  of  a  piece  of  insanity,  like  the  following  r-~ 


UKPABALLELED    ATTRACTIOK. 


Wo»D£lirUL  A*CEKT  THJS  EvENDfG  OF  Me.  GblKSIT 
Id  hl«  oelebntod  FnHum  BaHoon  vltti  tb« 

HIPPOPOTAMUS 

Who  hu  kindlr  l«Dt  bit  Tkliuibla  MrrloM  fbr  thU  ocourioa  oaXj. 
k\  tha  altltuda  of  too  feet  Above  tb«  leTel  of  ObvUu,  Mk.  Gmiu  vlU 
from  tfte  e&r  on  to  Uui  buk  of  thfl  illppopoUtsui,  and  dUohArge  a 

BRILLIANT    DISPLAV   OF    FIREWORKS. 

VM,  fbr  0Mt9  om  tke  beet  o/  tht  Bipp'Tf*^^^,  TP^S  "<  '^  Au  Ofict 
of  th«  Gardau. 


The  only  question  is,  if  the  above  absurdity  is  attempted  to  be  per- 
petrated, who  is  there  to  stop  it?  We  are  afraid  that,  From  their  very 
nature,  Balloons  are  out  of  the  reach  nf  the  I^w,  and  if  a  policeman 
were  sent  to  "take  np  "  a  balloon,  the  chances  are  that  he  would  only 
be  taken  up  himself.  As  tbcre  is  a  class  of  policemen  expn'^sly  for  the 
river,  there  may  probably  be  instituted  a  new  class  of  aerial  iHilicemcTi 
purposely  to  navieate  the  "  silent  highway "  of  the  clouds,  ff  will  be 
rather  awkwanl,  tnnn^ih,  to  approach  a  bntloon  \Thtlst  it  is  discharging 
ft  brilliant  display  of  firework.*;,  and  dillicult,  as  well  aa  unpleasant,  to 
take  it  into  custody  whU&t  committing  the  act. 


THE  CHILTERN  HXmDREDS. 


BaOTii  is  said  to  suffer  materially  from  a  superfluity  of  cooks ;  ntd  if 

the  rule  applies  equidiy  to  an  over-abuudanoe  of  domestic  aenmnl«  in 
every  other  dei^artmrnt,  we  wonder  how  the  Chilteni  Hundreds  cam 
exist  under  the  plurality  nf  Stewartls  that  are  oonataatly  tendenns  their 
services.  If  these  hundreds  were  thousands,  there  might  stijl  be  a 
Steward  for  ever>[  particular  unit ;  so  numerous  are  the  aooeptances  of 
the  office,  in  which  there  appears,  nevertheless,  to  be  a  perpetual 
vacancy.  The  new  Chief  Justice  of  the  Common  Fleas  has,  Me  leam 
from  the  LctitdoM  Gase(U,'\vai  taken  upon  lumself  the  Stewardship  of 
these  Hundreds,  as  a  sort  of  relief,  no  doubt,  to  his  severer  duties ;  for 
the  Chiltem  Hundreds  ^jn'or  to  ]mix)?e  ui>on  their  stewards  no  occu- 
pation that  nuQT  not  be  oombined  with  any  other  employment,  however 
arduous  or  dignified. 

We  wish  Lq&d  C^irfBiix  would  emplov  tua  leisure  m  giving  to  the 
world  the  Lives  of  the  Stewanls  of  the  Cniltem  Hundreds,  an  acoount 
of  whose  stewardships  utiuld  foiin  u  scries  sulliciciiilv  lunu  to  furuiah 
ample  materials  for  even  his  untiring  industry.  Wc  bboula  be  glad  to 
know  whether  the  Chilteni  Hundreos  emi^oy  in  ailtiitinu  to  a  Steward, 
the  usual  rstnhlif.hmrnt  of  hntler.  footman^  P*gc,  cook,  and  housekeeper. 
We  should  reconmicnd  the  hundreds  who  "  want  nlaoci,"  to  write  down 
to  Chiltem  at  onoe,  and  aaoertain  whether  the  Ilundreds.  wliich  hftve 
always  a  vscuoy  for  a  stewani,  may  not  find  room  for  otW  vktmm  of 
domeafties. 


i 


I 

i 


LONDON   CHARIVARI 


I 


ME.   MiVLONY'S  ACCOUNT  OP  THE  BALL 


emtV    TO  THE    MPAUUSB   A3fBASaA2>Oft   ST    THE    FEItXNBCXAB    LUlt 
O&IErtAL  COXPANT. 

0  WILL  TO  obooso  to  bear  tbe  iurwi% 
Bedaa  I  cannot  pass  it  o'er : 

1  'U  XeW  you  aD  about  llic  Ball 

To  the  NaypnlaAe  Ambasudor. 
Bcw^  I  tliis  flte  all  balls  duca  hvXe 

At  which  I  worn  a  pump,  aud  1 
MuBl  berc  rdal*  the  splcnothor  gtc\i 

Of  ih'  Oriental  Company. 

These  men  of  ainse,  dispoiscd  cxpinBe^ 

Tu  r^ie  ilic»e  black  AcH(u.esEa. 
"  Wc  'U  show  Ujo  blacks,"  savs  tbcy,  "  Almock's. 

And  take  the  rooinn  at  WUlisV 
TVith  tii^  aud  shiiwU,  for  lUrsc  Nrpauls, 

They  huuic  the  rooms  of  Wdlis  up. 
And  decked  the  nails,  and  stairs,  and  balls. 

With  roses  aud  witb  lilies  tip. 

And  Jcluen's  band,  it  tuck  itA  stand. 

So  sweetly  in  the  middle  there. 
And  soft  bassoons  plared  heaTenly  cbunes, 

Aud  noliui  did  udale  Iberc. 
And  when  the  Coort  was  tired  of  spoort, 

I  'd  larc  you,  bop,  to  think  there  was, 
A  nate  buflet  before  theui  set, 

^Tierc  lashins  of  good  dlirink  there  wm  ! 

At  ten  before  the  ball-room  door, 

His  moichty  Kxrell^ncy  was. 
He  smoiled  uiid  bowed  to  all  tne  crowd, 

So  gorgeous  and  immense  he  was. 
Uis  (msky  shuit,  sublime  and  mute. 

Into  the  door-way  followed  him  : 
And  O  the  noiae,  of  the  blackguard  boys, 

As  they  hnirood  and  hollowed  him  * 

Tlie  noble  Chair,*  stud  at  the  stair, 

And  bade  the  dthrums  to  thump ;  and  be 
Did  thus  erinoe,  to  that  Black  Prmoe, 

The  welcome  of  his  Cumpony. 
O  fair  the  girls  and  rich  tne  curls. 

And  bright  tue  oys,  yoa  saw  there,  was ; 
And,  flxecT each  oye,  yc  there  could  spoi, 

On  OlNKBAL  JuHO  Bauawtueb,  was ! 

This  Gineral  great,  then  tuck  his  sate, 

With  ail  the  other  gincraU, 
(Bedad  his  tniat,  his  belt,  hi»  coat. 

All  bteesed  with  prmous  minerals  j) 
And  as  he  there,  with  princely  air, 

Redoinin  ou  nis  cusnion  woa. 
All  round  about  his  royal  chair, 

Tbe  sqaeezin  and  the  pushin  was. 

0  Pat,  such  girls,  such  Jukes,  aad  £arls. 

Such  fiushion  aud  nobilitee  1 
Just  think  of  Tim.  and  fancy  him, 

Amidst  the  boieh  gentility ! 
There  was  Lord  De  L'Utnrs,  and  the  Fortygeese 

Ministhor  and  bis  lady  there. 
And  I  rcckonised,  wiUi  much  suiprise, 

Our  messmate.  Bob  0*Giuj)T,  there; 

There  was  Bahok^ss  Brttkow  that  looked  like  Jwo, 

And  Baro>ess  RfBAOaEit  there. 
And  CoinrrMa  RotTLUBB,  that  looked  pccuUar 

Well,  in  her  robca  of  gauze  in  there. 
Tliere  wns  LoRn  CnownrBar  (I  knew  him  first, 

^\Tien  onlv  Mu.  Pim  he  was). 
And  Mick  O'Toolb,  tbe  great  big  fool. 

That  after  supper  tipsy  was. 

There  was  Lord  FurcaLL,  and  bis  ladies  all, 

Aud  liORits  KiLLEEK  and  Duppeiuk, 
And  Paddt  Fin,  wiih  his  fat  wife; 

I  woudther  how  be  could  stuff  her  ia. 


'  Jamm  MiTitt«ov.  E«QUtHK,  to  wbcin,  u>d  the  BcnltiI  of  IHraetnn  olthe  PcBlninlar 
atfd  On<  I    '  IV.  I,  TfOLrTNiiVv  M*u<!rT.  late  ttnk«r  tm  hard  tbn  IhtrU,  r)i» 

UkAr  M  -  1  oirut,  WKl  tb«  OtiMW  sSMfi  ftUpa,  hasMf  AwUmM  ihi«  pro- 

duction "  <i  maatt. 


There  was  Loud  Beutast,  that  by  me  past, 
And  seemed  to  ask  how  should  /go  tbereP 

And  the  Widow  Macrae,  and  Lord  A.  Hat, 
And  the  Marchtoness  or  Sligo  there. 

Tes,  Jukes,  snd  Earls,  and  diamonds,  and  pearls, 

Jbid  pretty  cirlh,  w:ia  apoortinp  there ; 
And  some  beside  (the  rogues  !)  I  «pic«l. 

Behind  the  windies,  coorting  thprc. 
O,  there 's  one  I  know,  bedad  would  show 

As  beautiftd  as  any  there, 
And  I  "d  like  to  hear  I  he  pipers  blow. 

And  shake  a  ful  with  Fakkt  there  1 


THE  BEGINNtNG   OF  THE  END. 

VWT  now  there  are  all  !hr  ii^'unl 
Svm^Dloms  of  the  riose  of  ihr 
oessiim  bi-inff  at  liund ;  nnd 
Runsures  lltat  would  ol)irr> 
wise  have  pn*CT'eilcd  by  thti 
slowest  and  easti'st  ^tjun^s  ntv 
beiu;:  jerked  lliroiurh  Utfli 
Houses  in  tbe  most  sudden  luid 
preripttale  manner. 

The  Bills  of  Parliament, 
tike  some  bills  ol  the  play  wc 
have  met  with,  seem  to  bear 
upon  the  face  uf  them  the 
infommtion  that  "  an  intertill 
of  some  time  is  supuosed  tu 
elapse  between  the  nrst  and 
second  ftct5**  or  lirst  nnd  se- 
cond readings — though,  in  fact 
there  is  no  interval  at  all :  but 
conclusious  sre  jumped  to  by 
the  legislature  with  the  same 
amount  of  recklessness  that  is 
displayed  by  the  dramatist 
when  the  denouement  is  de- 
sir^  Many  of  the  member! 
have  already  left  their  seats 
in  the  House  for  their  seats  in  the  country;  and  so  as  a  suflicient 
number  of  "  reading  men"  can  be  kept  together  to  read  the  remaining 
bills  of  the  Session,  that  is  all  that  appears  to  be  required. 

Legial^ion.  whicn  at  the  commencement  of  the  Session  drags  its 
alow  length  along,  is,  at  this  more  advanced  period,  carried  forward  ut 
railway  speed ;  and  measnzN  instead  of  being  deliberately  forwarded, 
and  gradually  carried,  are  shoved  from  stage  to  stage,  pitched  from 
house  to  house,  and  ultimately  made  law  in  batches  of  a  dozen  or  so 
at  a  time;  while  the  Government,  like  a  threepenny  'bus,  is  allowed  to 
carry  just  as  large  a  number  as  it  pleases,  without  the  smallest  regard 
to  safety  or  oonTcnionoe. 

The  legislative  conductor  and  driver,  feeling  their  labours  to  be  near 
their  dose,  are  only  in  a  hurry  to  get  to  their  journey's  end,  and  will 
carry  whatever  happens  to  be  re^dy ;  but  will  leave  tiehind  anyitiinir, 
bowerer  important,  that  is  not  exactly  prepared  to  jump  up,  or  tumble 
on  to  the  roof,  or  cling  to  the  step,  or  hold  on  somehow  or  anyhow  to 
the  State  vehicle.  Some  passengers,  like  the  County  Court  Eitension, 
for  instance^  may  be  suddenly  deprived  of  a  parcel  of  the  most  whole- 
some prorisions ;  but  with  a  shout  of  *'  Dropp'd  a  parcel !  very  valuable 
is  it  f  it  can't  be  helped !  we  can't  stop  now  for  anybody  or  anything," 
Um  poor  vietim  is  huiricd  off,  and,  in  fact  "earned,  with  the  loss, 
perhapa,  of  tbe  greater  part  of  thnt  for  whicti  the  expense  and  trouble 
Ofbfiutf  ooavered  tihrongh  all  the  previous  stages  had  been  gone  to. 


The  Smitbfleld  Life  FilL 


Smithtield  has  been  so  much  extolled  lately  for  its  salabritir,  and  city 
medica.  men  have  been  so  load  in  their  praises  of  the  purity  of  it&  atmo- 
sphere, and  the  general  bealthinesB  of  its  neicbbfiurbood,  thnt  we  wonder 
that  no  Life  Pill  bos  yet  sfir/^  uiion  ita  valimhlc  name  as  a  guarantee  to 
ooro  everything.  W  n  think,  if  largelv  advc-ti^ed,  and  tricked  with  a 
few  strong  testimonials  from  well-known  Aldermen  and  Common 
Councilmcn,  tlint  the  yMiTuriKi.D  hirr.  Yii.t  would  he  a  Mirr  fnriune 
to  any  one  who  does  not  mind  inij)05ingujK)n  the  crcdtililif  of  the  Bntt*>h 
Public.  We  should  like  to  do  it  ourselves,  for  there  is  a  dilficnUy  now 
a-da\a  to  make  your  fortune,  unless  you  happen  to  be  m  (|uack,  only  we 
hare  a  few  foolish  doubts  as  to  the  houoaty  ot  the  Iraasaotion. 


Wxuxan  Akbltvau— The  "  Great  Bull  Crom  ^^-vsff^^v**  v^w^^^ 
in  Septeraber.  just  in  time  to  v^X  aa  «ti^\ft  vwcl  ^^^v.*o*.  <^s«xvk«ws 


Miniitlcr  hftd  one  of  these  reiksons,  all  equally  potent. 
wherewith  to  bend  the  ductile  Commons. 

And  Loiin  Joira  Rcsskix  has  hcen  no  Ins  fertUe,  no 
less  succes&tul  m  liis  argument  lor  the  vearlj  £12,000 
for  our  novel  CAiraHiDCE.  His  Rojal  Highneas  is  ex- 
pected to  be  charitable  !  Mk.  Himk's  proposed  £S000 
would  afford  uo  fund  of  bcuevolcncc  to  the  Duke. 
Now,  give  him  the  £12.000,  and  we  set  him  up  at  once 
a  dinner  excellence—  a  nialiopiiiy  philanthropist.  Very 
well.  Only,  be  it  understood  that  whca  the  Secretaries 
of  the  W'clah  Flannel  Infirmary,  the  Royivl  Dimity 
Abylum.  and  tlic  Coal-aud-tilanxet  Institution,  rctul 
over  the  aubscnptions  after  annual  diuuent.  com- 
mencing, as  witii  a  flourish  of  the  human  trunnpot 
"H.  R.  H.  THK  T>LKE  or  Cambbiit.e,  £50  " 
•*  H.  It  H.  rnx  Uiike  of  Cambhidgk,  £W  " 
"IJ.  R.  H.  THE  Dcsji  or  CAMBiiiDOii.  £5»J  " 
— when  these  slad  tidingrs  are  mn^  forth,  we  do  protest 
against  any  apnlan»e  Men  shall  not  be  duped  into 
amittng  lite  taole  with  knifc-handlc*— they  sliall  not 
rattle  glasses— they  shall  not  "hear,  hear,"  in  per- 
spiring mlininition,  fired  and  glowing  with  a  »uaaen 
sense  of  the  Koyid  Chairman's  charitable  beneficence. 
No:  LoKD  John  has  put  the  locikcd-for-exi»enditurc  in 
a  business  light ;  has  made  a  trusteejliip  of  the  £4,000, 
and   H.  R.  H.  the  Dttre  op   CAiniKinGE.    when  he 


puts  down  his  name  for  £50.  and  when  he  pays  it- 
of  course  he  will,  for  when  did  bird  of  rovftf  eyrie  ever 
play  the  part  of  shabby  decoy-duck  ?— let  the  money  be 
taken  quietly,  decorously :  received  as  a  public  erant 
from  the  people  who,  bv  ripour  of  the  Commons,  hare 
made  the  Duke  their  iJmoner.  Surely  his  Royal  Big- 
ness fulllls  the  easiest  conditions  of  philanthropy ;  seeing 
tliat  he  is  only  expected  to  Kivr  what,  for  sucn  purpose 
has  been  assuredly  entrusted  to  him. 
Nevertheless,  the  new  Duke  lias  been  lucky  in  his 


Tear :  he  1ms  olitajned  from  easy  1850  what  he  mifrht 
nave  fafled  to  win  from  uglv,  threatening.  1851 — for 
that  is  the  year  financial ;  the  year  when  L.  S.  D. — 


RATHER    STTSPIGIOUS. 
SmtimenUil  Vomiff  Lad^.  '*  Will  lot;  be  so  onLiciNo,  Ma.  Tonqs,  as  to  cut 

OPV  A  LOirO  PIECE  OF  HjlIX  WREIIZ  IT  WILL  HOT  BB  MISSED." 


THE  CAAfBRIDGE  JOB  OF  £12,000!  PER  A^NUM. 

Tub  matter  is  settled— the  bargain  is  struck — ^between  the  Ministry  and  Parliament, 
with  little  further  preface,  little  more  time,  than  a  lady  who  markets  for  herself  takes 
to  chtaiK-n  a  pair  of  ducks  or  a  soliljiry  snckinp-pip,  and  the  bran-new  Dike  of 
Cambbipoe — like  a  erown  jewel  in  cotton— is  wrapt  for  life  in  £12,000  i»r  annum. 
"VVe  inav  not  object  to  Dutcs ;  nevertheless,  wc  may  liave  them  with  a  Uttic  too 
much  jrilding.  Besides,  whatever  may  be  our  lovin}Z  weakness  towards  a  Duke  in  Ibe 
alntract,  there  are  times  when  wc  would  rather  oonsiJcr  the  object  as  a  necessarv  ttian 
a  luxury.  Human  nature  is  apt  to  pet  sulkv  with  an  article  it  pavs  too  dearly  for. 
A  Duke  at  a  fair  and  minlcratc  price,  as  Dukes  might  go,  woula  be  assured  of  a 
more  coiitiuuinjr  respect  than  a  I)ukc  paid  for  al  a  ruinous  saorillce.  We  did  not 
ex|Krct  the  Dukk  or  Cajcbkidge  to  offer  himself  as  a  de<:idcd  bargain;  nevertheless, 
when  he  asks  £12,000,  we  must— though  we  be  cliarged  with  a  liigplinBr  spirit  ungra- 
cious towards  the  splendid  article  proffered  us — wc  nnist  iniiuire,  is  £12,000  the  very 
lowest?" 

Twelve  thousand  pounds  a-year  for  the  Duke  or  Cavbridge  !  And  at  the  present 
time  circulurs  lie  in  all  OovenimRut  offices;  circulars  calling  upon  all  clerks  to  set 
down  their  ^cver^d  amount  of  <»aluries,  with  duties  performed,  extra-official  proSta,  and 
60  forth,  that  the  smaller  functionaries  may,  in  Minorica  phrase,  be  sweated  somewhat 
of  tbcir  iikcomes.  An  interesting  sum  this  for  certain  of  the  arithmetical  clerks  to 
work ;  viz. :  "  How  many  of  ua  make  one  Ddke  of  Cambkedge  ?  How  many  common 
goose-quills  arc  worth  the  plumnce  of  a  golden  t^oose  royal?" 

When,  however,  it  is  delenjiincd  \\\  the  resolute  breast  of  a  Minister  to  obtain  a 
thumping  grant  for  anybody  whom  the  Cniwn  delights  to  hoiu)ur  (out  of  the  pockets 
of  the  ijeoplu),  it  would  Iw  pleasant,  were  the  resull  not  so  very  oostlv,  to  etyoy  the 
niinistcriul  ingenuity  ami  courage,  ever  so  fertile  in  Rlrontr,  yea,  in  seductive  reasons 
for  the  cxlravagonpo.  VVhou  tlie  House  vot(?d  the  lale  Duke  of  Yobk  £10,000 
a-year  to  pay  certain  visits  to  his  old  blind  father  at  Windsor,  we  think  it  was  the 
tragic  price  of  oats  lliat — pathetically  illustrat^'d  by  the  Minister — carried  the  grant. 
If,  howcvLT,  it  was  not  oats,  perhaps  it  was  the  then  price  of  horsc-llesh ;  if  not  horse- 
flesh, why,  then,  it  was  the  market-rate  of  Glial  love !    Sure  wc  arc,  however,  that  the 


unrelenting  fates ! — will  rcallvopcn  Parliament,  though 
Her  Majesty  mar  noaiimdi/  jicrform  that  ceremony. 
Again,  the  Duke  oas  been  iortunntc,  inasmuch  as  he 
has  prccNedcd  certain  claims— the  claimants  as  yet  in  the 
nursery — upon  the  public  exchctiuer.  He,  of  course, 
has  been  at  a  high  lignre,  that  certAin  little  pcoulc, 
bearing  precedence  of  him,  may  range  at  a  yet  nigner 
numeral.  Question:  if  a  Ddke  of  CAMBBinnR  has 
£l^,tKXt  a  year,  bow  much  above  the  Duke  is  the  right 
of  a  PRIKCE  Abthcu— a  PiUNCE  AI.FHEO? 

Lord  Beoi'GWam— who  has  lately  elected  himself 
the  special  protector,  the  Chancellor  off  the  woolsack 
and  without  a  satarv,  for  rovidty  and  nristocracy — Lord 
Brougham  voted  tor  the  Duke's  £li,0tX),  and  would 
vote  for  all  such  grants  ^o  long  as  the  Royal  Ntorriage 
Act  was  in  force,  and  royal  dukes  "  were  not  allowed  to 
intcniiarry  with  STdjjrclH  of  this  cotmtry  endowed  with 
wealth."  Tnily  this  is  another  argumeut  for  the  repeal 
of  "  the  unchristian  Uw."  If,  for  instance,  H.  R.  H. 
TUB  Duke  of  Camdeioge  were  permitted  to  take  his 
coronet  into  the  home  marriage  market  —  whether  at 
the  West-end  or  in  the  City— he  would,  no  donbt, 
obtain  fur  a  spousal  share  of  its  g]or>  a  most  sufficing 
sura.  Were  he  permitted  to  marry  the  rich  heiress  of  a 
dry-salter,  or  n  grocer's  widow  giit  with  a  million,  wc 
as  a  reonlc  should  save  in  money,  though  of  course  we 
should  lose  in  blood.  As  it  is,  the  Duke — like  his 
father — may  marrj-  a  German  Princess  in  German  po- 
verty; and  like  his  father  cuioc  to  us  for  a  further 
Ct  for  conjugal  hoosekccpinfr.  Now  wc  expressly 
that  Lord  Brougham  on  his  return  from  AJnerica 
will  bring  in  a  bill  for  a  home  trade  in  royal  coronets  \ 
Why  take  to  Germany  at  a  certain  loss,  what  may  be 
disposed  of  at  a  ready  profit  at  home. 


Sunday  at  Sea. 

Adbabal  Bowles,  on  the  Mercantile  Bill,  moved  a 
clause  to  prevent  Sondav  labour  at  sea.  And  very  right: 
because  it  is  now  a  well-luiown  fact — at  least  to  Loan 
AsDLET  and  sdl  the  Sackelothites  tlmt  on  Sundays  at 
sea  there  is  never  any  wind,  but  a  fair  and  gentle  one — 
that  billows  never  break — and  rocks,  at  leaaton  Sundara, 
never  thrcateiL  Perhaps,  the  j)crfoetion  of  a  Snnaay 
cruise — a  cruise  whieh  we  earnest  I  v  recommend  to  lUe 
Sabbatarians — is  a  cruise  upon  the  Dead  Si-a ! 


I 

i 

I 


PUNCH,   on    THK   LONDON    CIIARIVAIU. 


DUUlAJi  OF  THE  HILLS. 


Not  a  iokc  was  hovd,  not  a  trouhlMome  vote, 

Ai  the  bills  into  Liiiibo  tliey  bturiod  i 
Not  e'en  Incus  discharged  a  farewell  shot. 

O'er  the  grave  where  the  Jew  Bill  was  buried. 

They  buried  thcra  darkly  at  dead  of  niffht, 

i'or  bod  all  the  members  yearning; 
With  the  aitl  of  the  Speaker  to  keep  them  right. 

And  Grii£N*5  i>arliameDtiLry  leanung. 

No  vain  discussion  their  life  supprest. 

Nor  did  truth  nor  talk  oonfonnd  them ; 
Tbev  passed  a  few,  and  aa  for  the  rest, 

Toey  burked  them  jnst  as  they  found  them. 

For  most  of  the  Session's  task  was  done, 
The  snppUes  marked  the  hour  for  retiring ; 

And  as  Au^at  drew  ni|rii«  wob  son  of  n  pm, 
At  the  RTOuse,  in  his  areams,  was  a-tinug. 

Few  and  short  were  the  words  they  said, 
And  the  Speaker  looked  on,  without  sorrow, 

To  the  time  when  he  might  get  his  n»t  in  tiiii  bed. 
Nor  a  snooMs  in  bis  chair  hare  to  borrow. 

Mr.  Bbothertov  seemed  to  be  dying  for  bed, 

And  DisiuBU  was  dreadfully  yellow ; 
And  there  sat  Lord  JonvNT  witn  harass  half  dead, 

Unpitied,  the  poor  little  fellow. 

Lightly  thcj;  reck  throneli  what  troubles  he' s  gone. 
And  for  his  slow-coacnin^  upbraid  liim  ; 

JBut  little  he  cares,  so  but  tight  to  stick  on 
To  the  Treasury  Bench  they  will  aid  him. 

So  they  settled  the  Bills— other  folks*  and  their  own^ 

Never  destined  to  figure  in  stot7 ; 
They  shed  not  a  tear,  und  they  heaved  not  a  groan. 

But  they  burked  tnera  alike,  WKig  and  Tory  I 


PHYSIC  AND  PAEMING. 
"  7b  Measter  PtmcH." 


1    wonder 
oomin*   to 


un, —  Loremassv  I 

what  the  world 
Took  up  a  peaper  'tother  day^ 
and  read  the  'count  of  the  farm 
of  Ma.  MEciii—lhaterechapas 
nuikes  the  razor-strops  and  '  elc- 
ganocs.'  Talk  of  new-faoglcd 
manoovrcs,  1  zays  them  as  he 
uses  beats  everything.  What 
dost  think  they^  accordin'  to 
the  peaper?    Why, 

" '  EpMm  tod  Klunber  ults  won 
wnongift  tho  niai«rlii.U  employed  for 
liiiLTUTlog  the  Knfwtb  of  Uie  potatOM, 
aiid  4upsr^bMpul«  wudMortMd  UftD 
unfaUiiijC  aitency  inerappteg  tnmlps.' 

"Epsom  and  glauber  ults! 
Why,  we  shall  get  next  to  geein 
laturs  a  black  dose.  Bymebr,  I  spose,  instead  of  gooin  to  stable  and 
vami-yard  for  manoorer,  we  sball  be  tending  vor't  to  Fotticanies'  Hall 
We  shall  be  told  to  put  paregoric  to  our  clover,  bikerypickery  to  onr 
turmuts,  and  pillico.<4ber  to  our  wutts. 
"  The  paper  zays  besides : 

"  *  Ma.  Maoif  poMe«u  Uw  nn  art  of  taKhlnc  Yttboot  giving  Mmwir  the  kin  of  & 
p*Au9gv«.  Ba  iDMta  bU  vuetaattOa  iwlshboun  vlth  no  prt^nnittc  dUpUy  of 
■upflrior  ud  cntmptQou  lUU;  bni  teUnff  9mA  maa  by  the  batton,  h«,  ao  to  ■p'«k. 
Bhak«i  ap  wknovtodgBiaiil  td  aloroolr  farmua  oat  of  blm,  and  Jokia|[ly  and  pleasantly 
poln:  s  out  the  featurw  and  rsMlts  of  ola  awa  hr  tnttor  1711001.^ 

"  If  ever  I  oomea  acroes  niL  I  can  only  say,  dwooan't  let  un  go  tryrni 
no  sitoh  jokes  wi  me.  I  wun't  take  it  on  on.  Take  me  by  the  button. 
indeed,  and  think  to  shake  slovenly  varmon  out  0'  mo  t  1  should  just 
like  to  zee  un  do't.  It'  1  didn't  tok  un  by  the  collar  of  his  quoat  agcn, 
and  shcak  his  roobub,  his  Epsom  salts,  and  stuff  out  0'  his  head,  my 
ncAm  baint 

"  Faltotpdom,  Hampshire,  Jul^  26, 1850.  "  ^«*^™^  Jootbot. 

"  P.  8.  What  conntryman  is  this  ere  Mr.  Mechi  ?  A  vorcner,  t 
spose,  by  the  ueom  on  un.  Yah!— tct  un  keep  to  liia  strops  uid 
vorreiieenin  nicknacks,  and  not  purtcnd  to  tcaon  liis  grandmothor  to 

zuck  epics." 


RAILWAY  BOMAJvCE  AND  REALITY 

SoMTTiMES  the  chirf  beauty  of  a  story  is  that  there  are  two  ways  of 
telling  it,  and  an  incident  may  be  made  pleasing  by  a  little  rumaDce 
which  has  nothin;^:  attrnolivc  in  the  reality,  lArgc  tirms  have  been 
known  to  keen  a  i>oet.  whose  ofiico  it  is  to  lard  an  ounce  of  faef^  with  a 
ponnd  or  so  or  fiction^  but  the  Railway  Companies  would  appear  to  have 
m  their  employ  a  georas  whose  duty  it  is  to  exca-ise  an  opposite  fuuo- 
tion,  and  instead  of  exaggerating  the  truth,  to  diminish  it  to  the  veiy 
mimmuni,  and  pare  it  so  completely  down,  that  there  is  scarcely  snvthing 
left  of  it .  We  are  frequently  very  much  struck  by  the  wondenul  facuhr 
displiiyed  l)y  the  Railway  Historian,  whose  duty  it  is  to  prepare  the  offlotal 
report  of  an  accident,  and  who  manages  invariahlv  to  make  the  danger 
and  inconvenience  to  the  public  "beautifully  less  than,  according  to  the 
accounts  of  the  sufferers  themaclvcs,  they  accm  to  have  cipcrionced. 
We  subjoin  a  specimen  of  the  two  styles  of  rer«rts,  the  one  ofHcial, 
and  the  other  non-official,  of  a  railway  cnaualty,  and  wc  muRt  leave  the 
public  to  the  task  of  recouciiinp  the  diacrcpancv  between  the  two 
aeoounto,  which  might  perhaps  fairly  nn^t  carJi  other  half 
two  trains  did  when  they  came  into  collision  in  tlic  tunnel : 

NON-OFFICIAL  REPORT. 

FRIOBTTUL  COLLISION  ON  THE  SLAP- 
DASH  RAILWAY. 

Teslerday  evening  at  ten  o*dock. 


een 
way,  as 


the 


just  as  the  uu-tram  entered  the 
Great  Hearse  Tunnel,  being  three 
quarters  of  an  hour  alter  its  time, 
a  luggage  train,  which  wii&  an  hour 
and  a  naif  before  its  time,  was 
vainly  trying  to  make  its  way  out 
of  the  Tunnel,  with  an  old  worn-out 
cngiiic,  (hat  was  on  its  way  to  the 
terminus,  to  be  broken  up  in  the 
foundry.  The  result  was,  that  the 
tender  of  tho  passenger  train  was 
drivDn  with  fearful  force  on  to  the 
last  of  the  luggage  trucks,  several 


OFFICIAL  REPORT. 

TEHPORARY  STOPrAGE  CH*  A  TRADT 
ON  THE  SLAP-DASn   RAILWAY. 

YcstArday  o'cning.  while  the 
up-train  was  coing  through  the 
Great  Hearse  Tuimel  with  its  usual 
pnnclualily,  the  regular  luggage 
tmin,  which  was  proceeding  at  its 
customarv  modetate  speed,  met 
with  a  slight  check,  which  some- 
what  rctaraedHa  progress  through 
the  Tunnel,  and  Bhghtly  interfered 
with  Die  adinirable  routme  of  traffic 
on  this  well-managed  line  of  rail- 
way. In  consequence  of  t  h  is  t  rilling 
deviation  from  the  ordinary  course, 
the  tip  of  the  tender  touehed  the 


of  which  were  immediately  smashed  outer  edge  of  the  last  luggage 


to  pieces.  The  hot  water  from  the 
iKiflrr  was  scattered  in  all  directions, 
fearfullv  scalding  I  he  engine  driver 
and  stoker,  while  the  carriages  were 
driven  together  with  a  fearful  crash, 
the  horrors  of  which  were  increased, 
by  the  frightful  screams  of  the 
passengers.  The  most  alarming 
confusion  prevailed,  for  the  dark- 
ness was  intense,  and  after  a  delay 
of  about  five  hours,  a  fresh  engine 
was  brought  to  extricate  the 
alarmed,  agitated,  and  wounded 
suffrrers  from  their  horrible  po- 
sition. The  amount  of  iiyury  expe- 
rienced by  the  passengers  cannot 
be  as  yet  correctly  ascertained,  but 
there  IS  too  much  reason  to  bcUcve, 
from  the  appearance  of  many  who 
were  brought  bleeding  and  mangled 
into  the  station,  that  there  will  bo 
several  most  serious,  and  a  few 
fatal  results  to  this  most  unwar- 
rantahle  accident. 


whicli  led  to  a  slight  vibration  thai 
caused  a  uutiar  spilling  of  the 
liquid,  and  the  engineer  luid  stoker 
sat  for  an  instant  with  their  feet  in 
warm  water,  while  their  hands  were 
also  washed  in  it.  Aa  is  usual  with 
women  and  children,  when  taken 
by  surprise,  a  few  female  pr  in- 
fantine exclamations  were  imme- 
diately uttered.  Everything  that 
could  oe  done  by  the  Company  was 
immediately  done,  and  wc  must 
add  that  we  could  see  no  reason 
for  alarm ;  aud  after  a  pause,  the 
assistance  of  a  fresh  engine  was 
procured,  to  oontinue  the  progress 
of  the  train  on  its  meTty  jaunt  to 
the  Metropolis,  Wo  have  not 
heard  wliether  any  harm  has  been 
done  to  any  of  the  passengers, 
but  a  few  soratchea,  and  a  bruise 
here  and  there,  will,  no  doubt, 
be  the  extent  of  the  injury  arising 
from  this  trilling  contirtrmps. 


THE  FORTIFICATION  OF  SMTTHFIELD. 

Wb  understand  that  the  Corporation  of  Loudon  has  it  seriously  in 
contemplation  to  fortify  Smithncld.  Tlie  artillery  fur  the  defence  of 
that  odoriferously  strong  hold  will  be  formed  of  the  most  stubborn  brass, 
and  several  thousand  pounders,  of  aldermanic  calibre,  will  be  readv  to 
open  the  fire  on  invaders.  The  galiions  will  be  coostTncted  with  gabies 
ot  the  densest  description.  A  moat  (whicli  will  afford  ingrcs<i  to  animals 
and  drovers  by  means  of  a  drawbridge,}  vrill  be  dug  round  tlicencaiup- 
mcnt ;  and  into  it  will  be  turned  all  the  filth  from  the  neiglibouring 
slauxhtcr-houses,  which  will  render  it  an  impassable  gulf  to  the  minitary 
invaders,  tlie  boldftst  of  whom  will  be  afraid  to  poke  his  nose  into  it. 
The  Cuuuuander-iu-Chief  of  the  Garrison  will  bcALDERM\N  Sidnky, 
and  Iiis  staff  will  be  composed  of  Ultutv  UnDARDaud  NLii.  Taylor,  with 
several  of  the  most  influential  slaughtermen  conneoted  with  the  Ltvery. 

DtTTEREKCfi   RBTWEEN   MAXS  UO)  CONSTRUCT, 

Oknousses  arc  generally  roM'"«''«'  to  hold  15,  but  sonxtWr*  ^^)R\ 
arc  made  to  hold  18,  and  on  a  wet  niirht  fr«t\viKo^Vs  ^^v=^'Ca5m.'«iM£»^. 


4 


n 


A   HEAVY  BLOW  AKD  80RE   DISCOUEAGEMENT. 

Nem  to  bst  week's  beart- 
brcAking  announcetneat 
of  LoED  BiiouGHi^m's 
—of  "  the  gentlewoman, 
Ecarlf  conaectcd  with 
noble  families,  reduced 
Id  seek  some  ncccssarj' 
means  of  support  by  la- 
hour  " — there  is  nothing 
thiit  W  inflicted  such  a 
atab  on  the  glorioua  in- 
stitiiLionJ  dear  to  cvcr^ 
Bri ton,  as  th e  retreiit 
ititelligence  of  the  minis- 
terbl  inteatiuu  to  cut 
d&wn  the  expeiiaca  of 
our  diplotnatic  csUbli&b- 
ment. 

We  are  deluged  witli 
letters  on  the  subject. 
Indeed  it  is  fortiuiate 
that  tLia  is  a  time  of  ge« 
nei^  mourning.  Black - 
edged  envelopes  afe  the 
proper  dr&ss  for  the 
touching  rcmouHtrancea 
wliich  we  cotitinue  to 
receive  from  ambassa- 
dors, envoys,  plcnipo- 
tetitmry  tind  otiierwise, 
eharg^i  (P  affuire$,  se- 
cretaries of  IcKiliofi, 
sUtaeyi^  paid  and  lUipaiJ*  Q^ken's  mcsi^cijucrs,  couriers,  dragomen,  eiiibassy- 
touter^  e&matisgi&tutiivjf.  cooks,  operfi-djiiioor^,  lie'll-kee^erij  and  otherH  iutimatelv 
connected  with  the  upiMilding  of  !  lie  Conatitutioiii  in  its  re^ireaentative  hraiiclie* 
nbroiid. 

The  fiiliEdl  German  enihassies  are  particularly  pathetic  iJi  their  representations. 
We  have  hardly  yet  got  over  the  Houen-Stkumpfek-Katees-Ellenbooen 
mamfestu^  which  w6  append  :— 

From  8ia  Jasfeu  Joauisojj,  C*B.,  KniaM  tf  ike  Guelpkie  Order;  Knight  of 
(Ae  Order  of  St.  Ahaausrus  ;  fJrand  Croxs  tf  SL  DoHHtfrnndAfitatt,  Companion  of 
(he  Order  i^  ihs  Hol^  Cucumber  of  Goiogne  ;  F.K,S.,  n?id  Ilonorarg  Mamlfer  ^f 
iit^id  horned  Sociriies  ;  En^oy  to  th^  tbttrl  qf  Ms  Most  Szueni:  Highjtf.sSj 

THE  HEKKPlTAJtV  PulJJCE  Of  HOWEN-STnUHPFEK- KAt/.ESf-EUENBOGES,  W  Me 
Prin^paiiisf  qf  (hat  namg. 

The  Under&igited  presents  the  assuranees  of  his  high  and  distiaguisUed  considera- 
tion to  Mr.  Punchy  and  hegs  to  aub-nit  to  him  for  communic^tiDn  to  the  British 
Public,  the  fii|bjoiiied  notes  of  the  Undersi^m.  a^uiiLst  any  rcdticlionof  (heallow- 
wices  for  the  diploumlic  eatabliahment,  «rith  which  the  Cndersigtied  has  ttic  houonr  of 
bciog  conneetted. 

The  Undersigned  Protests, 

Afiu^f  1,— Because  the  Underaigned,  as  the  lepnesentative  of  the  British  Sovereiffii 
Mid  the  upholder  of  the  diffaity  of  the  British  Empire,  at  the  Court  of  Hohen- 
Striimpfen-KatKen-ElIeiibogen,  eonaidors  it  his  duW  to  spend  twice  as  much  as  the 
Envoys  of  France,  Russiji,  Prussia*  Austria,  and  the  other  Great  PoTvers:  and  is 
ooarineed  that  the  credit  of  Great  Britfiin  In  thti  eye*  of  EiinipCi  is  much  deter- 
mined  by  the  success  of  the  Underaigiied  in  counteracting  tnc  inirigTies  of  thft 
jfprewntutivfa  of  tlte  ahove-imtned  powers^  which  counteraction  cannot  be  effectively 
carried  out  without  the  aid  of  dinners. 

Article  9- — Because  the  Under^ij^ned  lias  always  hitherto  spent  Jiis  allowance, 
and  has  not  found  ao>1hii]i^  left  at  the  end  of  the  year. 

^y/i>/f  3— Because  the  Undersij^ied  fears  it  will  he  impossible  lokcepupihc 
present  amicable  relations  between  the  Court  of  Hohcn-StriimpFcri-Katzen  Ellen- 
bogcn,  and  the  C-onrl  and  Cabinet  of  Great  Britain,  unless  the  U  ndersigncd  i'- 
enabled  to  pay  \m  bills  regularly  in  the  City  of  KalbahrulcnheiR),  the  capital  of 
the  above-named  Pdneipalitv. 

ArizeU  4.— Beeauae  the  Umtcptigned  ia  convinced  that  nothing  below  a  salary 
of  £3000  Bryear  ought  to  be  offered  to  a  gentleman, 

Artkt^  S.-^JkcEiusc  the  Uridersi^med  lias  two  sonj  in  the  diplomatic  service,  and 
vould  ccrtjiiiily  not  have  devoted  them  to  that  service,  haa  he  autJci(ULtcd  that 
aay  t^uetion  of  diplonuLtic  snlurics  would  be  made. 

Atti^U  6.— Ifecause,  on  a  reduced  siilary,  the  UndersiCTied  would  find  it  perfectlv 
out  or  the  question  to  keep  op  Buoh  a  tabic  for  the  ChuHCftterie  of  the  Legation 
aa  the  gentlemen  attaclied  to  the  same  have  been  accustomexi  to. 

ArticU  7.^Beeause  the  Undersigned  \v.vi  to  pay  lar^o  sums  for  secret  infonniitiDM 
endered  necessary  hv  the  intrigues  of  the  renrcsentativcs  of  the  Great  Powers  ii 
ail  ihe  fieniian  Ht'siiiciicea,  and  more  cspceijJlv  by  the  extremely  delicate  stale  " 
the  relations  subsisting  between  tbc  Court  oi  this  PrincipaUtir  and  that  of  Ih 
ueighhouring  Grand  Duchy  of  Poppeiibeimer-PaiDperQickelj  wmch  ia  notorious^ 
under  the  Influcnoe  of  Ruaaia. 


(There  are  twelve  more  Article*,  which  we  have  not 
room  for,  but  from  which  we  gather  that  a  Europe&n  war 
is  extremely  likely  to  break  out,  if  the  salary  of  the  Envoy 
to  the  PrincipiUity  of  Hoben-Sthunpfen-Katzen-Elkabogeii 
ia  in  any  way  meddled  with.) 


THE  PALACE  PERIODICAL. 

Circulars  in  general  arc  regarded  aa  things  not  to  be 
read,  and  perhpps  the  Court  Circvhr  maybe  included  under 
tbe  same  liead,  for  there  is  certainly  little  in  it  to  repay 
penisdl.  The  number  of  that  silly  little  periodicad  for  iJic 
311  li  of  July  was  (specialty  meaarej  and  we  looked  in 
vain  along  fts  coluniits  for  sonielhing  that  migljt  he  re- 
garded for  an  instant  as  an  *'  auiuiing  aj-ticle,"  The 
"leader"  simply  stated  that  theQtEKN  and  Pbince  had 
taken  au  early  walk  m  the  Park;  but  bevood  this  the 
writer  gave  us  nothing  in  the  shape  of  fact,  woile  he  wholly 
ab&t&ined  from  comirjent. 

The  next  article  was  a  short  paper  upon  the  PaiNCE  or 
Wat;es,  and  the  younger  nieinbers  of  the  Koyal  Paiuily, 
\vho  were  stated  to  have  *'  walked  and  rode  aa  usual."  It 
is  gratifying  to  know  that  the  children  of  Uta  Majesty 
walk  aud  iTde,  like  other  people's  childj^a,  and  that  there 
IS  nothing  unusual  in  their  mode  of  doing  so.  Tlie  next 
contribution  is  devoted  to  Lord  Joh^  Kusseil.  *'w1io," 
savs  ihe  writer,  "had  the  honour  of  joumig  the  Royal 
dinner  imrtv,"  On  the  whole,  we  can  scarcefy  look  upon 
the  Court  'Circular  for  July  ^tth  as  an  avem^  uuinber ; 
for  though  the  incidout  of  Lobo  John  Ul'ssell  and  the 
dinner 'party  ia  well— or  at  least  concisely— told  there  is 
a  fecblcneha,  a  lauigiior,  a  want  of  rrrrr,  and  an  absence  of 
pith  in  tlic  article  on  the  walking  and  riding  of  tlie  yosingcr 
uicTiibers  of  the  Royal  Family. 

We  are  quite  sure  that  the  Queen  and  PaiNCE  Albert 
are  not  desirous  of  being  made,  every  day,  the  staple 
subjects  of  a  very  dull  periodical.  It  is  most  ^tifyiUjff 
to  the  nation  to  know  thev  are  well,  and  enjoying  tlieir 
domestic  happiness,  but  surelv  "  No  news  "  might  m  this 
case  be  reearded  as  "  Good  news,"  in  order  that  their 
privacy  miglt  not  be  perpetually  invaded  by  the  authoni 
of  the  fooBah  little  work  alluded  to.  We  snomd  be  guid 
to  hnve  a  return  of  the  number  of  subscribers  to  the  GyMrt 
DVrtf/ffr—for  we  doubt  if  it  circulates  at  all— the  amount 
piiid  to  the  Editor,  the  salaries  of  the  contributors,  and  the 
cost  of  printing  and  pubHshing. 


A  WORI)  OR  TWO  ON  WATER. 

W»  are  afraid  that  wrtting  upon  water  is  as  usdesa  aa 
writing  upon  sand,  and  indeed  so  much  has  been  lately 
written  on  water,  and  so  little  impression  made,  that  who* 
cTcr  goes  into  the  subject,  however  deeplv,  for  the  good  of 
the  public,  can  onl;-  exj>ect  to  have  cold  wa.ter  thrown 
upon  him  for  his  pains.  A  book  haa  been  Jately  published 
by  a  Dr.  IUssell,  who  favours  the  world  not  only  with 
hla  own  views,  but  the  views  of  an  artist,  on  the  water 
we  drink;  and  these  views,  painted  literally  in  water 
colours,  show  ua  in  all  their  disgusting  variety  of  tint  and 
form*  the  specimens  of  animal  and  vegetable  niatlcr  we  take 
in  with  every  drop  of  atjneous  fluid  we  imbibe.  Since  we 
have  seen  these  fllarmiag  pictures,  they  liave  haunts  us, 
and  we  have  been  troubled  hy  a  perpeiuaJ  attack  of  Thames 
water  ou  the  bmin.  Everv  drop  is  a  sort  of  menagerie  in 
itself  when  suhjeclcd  to  the  powers  of  the  microscope,  by 
whose  aid  we  may  perceive  Ino  water  devilsj  the  testacea, 
Ihe  infusnria.  the  Crustacea,  and  other  abominations,  flitting 
and  floundering  about  to  an  extcut  the  conteniplalion  of 
wliich  makes  our  blood  run  almost  as  thick  as  Thamfts 
water  in  our  veins.  In  the  book  we  have  mentioned,  Iber^ 
is  Q  specimen  of  the  water  of  every  Company  supiUving 
London,  and  there  is  not  one  of  them  but  may  be  described 
as  a  species  of  Grand  Junction  of  everything  that  u  ua- 
whnlesotne  rmd  revolting  to  look  uiion. 

The  old  sonif  of  *'Urink  to  me  only  with  lliine  eyes' 
could  never  have  been  ftdsipled  to  the  water-driiikeri 
of  the  present  dav.  for  to  drink  with  the  eyes  shut  b 
the  only  resource  oithe  modem  votary  of  our  mctropulit4a 
river-goda.  _ 

CoTJTfTitt-IiiiiTATioH.-^"  Is  there  any  other  little  artide 

we  can  show  you  to-day.  Sir :' 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


69 


THE    PROSER. 

ESaiYB  AND  DISCOUBSES  bV   DR.  SOLOUON   PACITICO- 


VII.— ON  THE  PBESS  AND  THE  PUBLIC. 

Y    ruiiig    younff    friend 

HlTClilXfis.  Ilicnuflinrnf 

"  Humiofvh  thr  /wft/irr," 
"  7V  Murd^^rjt  qf  Miff 
Fuir,"  and  other  ro- 
in/vncea,  and  ono  of  the 
rhief  writers  iu  the  Lfc/vr 
newspaper-  a  highly  libr- 
ral,  nay,  Sfvcii-Icafruid 
boota  prosrcshiniml  jour- 
nal, wiiA  oiscourMiig  will) 
I  he  writer  of  the  present 
lints  upon  tlic  queer  de- 
cision lowhichthc  Freneh 
Assembly  has  come,  and 
whicli  t'nforees  a  sicna- 
tiire  henceforth  to  all  the 
leadini;  articles  in  the 
French  papers.  As  an  net 
of  Government,  Hitch- 
IKGS  said  he  thought  the 
measure  most  absurd  and 
tyrannoiis,  but  he  was 
not  sorry  for  it,  as  it 
would  infallibly  increase 
the  importance  of  the  profession  of  letters,  to  which  we  both  belonged.  The  man 
of  letters  will  uo  longer  be  the  anonymous  sUve  of  the  uewspapcr-nress  proprietor, 
HiTcui5GS  said :  the  man  of  letters  will  no  lunger  be  u&cdiuid  fluiiff  aside  in  hin 
old  days;  he  will  bo  rewarded  according  to  his  merits,  nnd  have  the  ehaucc  of 
making  himRelf  a  name.  And  then  Hitciiikgs  .'^Dokc  with  great  fen-our  r^ardiug 
the  (lepres5ed  condition  of  literary  men,  and  snia  the  time  was  coming  when  tbcir 
merits  would  get  Uiem  their  own. 

On  this  biter  subject,  which  is  a  favourite  one  with  rruiny  gentlemen  of  our 
profession,  1,  for  one,  am  emifessedly  incredulous.  I  am  resolved  nut  to  ooniidcr 
myself  a  martyr.  I  never  knew  a  man  who  had  written  a  good  book  (unless,  indeed, 
it  were  a  Barrister  with  Attorneys),  hurt  tiis  position  in  societv  by  having  done 
so.  On  the  contrary,  a  clever  writer,  with  decent  manners  and  conduct,  makes 
nt>jrv  friends  than  :uiy  other  man.  And  I  do  nut  believe  diarent helically)  that  it 
will  make  much  dillerence  to  my  friend  Hitchings  whether  hLs  name  is  alfixed  to 
one.  twcutv,  or  two  thuiuiand  articles  of  bis  composition.  But  what  would  happen 
in  Engtann  if  snch  a  regnlntinn  as  that  just  passed  in  France  were  to  bcoomc 
Uw ;  and  the  House  of  Commons  omuiijotent,  which  can  shut  up  our  parVg  for  us. 
which  can  shut  up  our  Post-Olhee  for  us,  which  ciin  do  Qn>thmg  it  will,  should 
take  a  fancy  to  have  the  signature  of  eveo'  writer  of  a  newspaper  arUcle  ? 
Have  they  got  any  secret  Icdge-r  at  the  TiW*  in  which  ilic  nanicA  of  the  writers 


and  who — give  them  a  week  or  ten  days  to  prcparc^wonld 
turn  out  such  an  article  as  neither  of  llie  two  men  named 
could  ever  have  produced— tliat  is  very  likely.  I  have 
oftm.  for  my  yitkit,  said  the  must  brilliant  thmjt  in  the 
world,  and  one  that  would  utterly  upset  tliat  impudent 
JenKI>"5,  whose  confounded  j'  !-  '  -  .Imdy 

— but  then  it  has  been  threr  i  pun, 

when  T  was  walking  home  vur> ^  wilii 

writers;  some  of  tnem  possess  tiic  amazing  gift  of  the 
impromptu,  and  can  always  be  counted  upon  in  a  moment 
of  necessity  —  whilst  others,  slower  cwiehes  or  leader*, 
require  Jo  get  all  their  heavy  jiuns  into  iw^ilion,  and  labori- 
ously to  fortify  their  camit,  before  they  begin  to  lire. 

Now,  wiyiu''  that  Kodinson  is  the  fellow  cliicDv  to  bo 
intru!'te<i  with  the  tjuiek  work  of  thr  pajier.  it  wnnld  lie  a 
most  unkind  and  nnlair  piece  of  t>Tanny  on  the  nt  w;.itfii»er 
proprietor  to  force  him  to  publish  l^niUNftON's  tiATfif  n^  the 
authorof  all  the  articles //"otrf/jiofl.    You  haveii" 
to  call  for  this  publicity  from  the  newspaper  own« 
you  three  yards  of  his  pri;'<-'  ''  '-  ■     »'    -  ' 
the  linen  draper^  from   - 
calico ;  who  spim  it ;  who        i  , 

it  in  America.  It  is  the  ariiele,  and  not  the  Uiune  and  |>eiii- 
grcc  of  the  artificer,  which  a  newsmf^'r  or  any  other  Henlcr 
has  a  right  to  sell  to  the  pubbc.  if  I  get  a  letter  (which 
Heaven  forbid!)  from  Ma,  Tapes  my  attorney,  I  know  it 
is  not  in  Tapes's  own  hand-writing ;  1  know  it  is  a  clerk 
writes  it — so,  a  newspaper  ia  a  composite  work  got  up  by 
many  hireling  hands,  of  whom  it  is  neee*.5.ary  to  know  no 
other  name  than  the  printer's  or  proprietor's. 

It  is  not  to  be  denied  that  men  of  signal  abiUty  wilt  write 
for  years  in  papers  and  jwrish  unknown— ;i  '  '  r  their 

hit  is  a  haru  one :  and  the  chances  of  Ufe  ;  s  hem. 

It  is  hard  upon  a  man,  with  wliosc  wurk  l:...  '.,  u^iii  w 
riufring,  that  not  a  soul  should  know  or  care  who  is  the 
author  who  so  delights  the  public. 

But,  on  the  other  hand,  il  your  article  is  cxeelleut,  would 
vou  have  had  any  great  renown  from  it,  supjiosing  the  paper 
Lad  not  published  it  ?  Would  you  have  ha<l  a  cuance  at  all 
but  for  timt  pn]>er?  Suppase  you  ha<)  brought  out  that 
article  on  a  broad  fcheet^  who  would  have  bought  it  ?  Pid 
you  ever  hear  of  an  uuJcnown  man  making  a  fortune  by 
a  pamphlet  ? 

Again,  it  ma;?  sohap[)eu  to  a  Hterar>*  man  that  i"  i 

whieli  he  reeeivt'S  from  one  publication  is  not  - 
lioil  bia  family  pot,  and  that  lie  tnust  write  in  ^om..  -.iii.i 
quarter.  If  Bkown  writes  artir-les  in  the  daily  papers,  and 
articles  in  the  weekly  and  monthlv  periodicals  loo,  and  si^ns 
the  same,  he  surely  weakens  liis  force  by  extending  his  line. 
It  would  be  better  for  him  to  write  incognito,  than  to  pla- 
card bis  name  in  so  many  quarters — as  actors  understand, 
who  do  not  ix-rfonn  in  loo  many  pieces  on  the  shuie  uiKJit 


of  aU  the  articles  in  that  lounud  are  written  down?    That  would  be  a  curious  [and  paiutcrs.  who  know  that  it  is  not  wurth  their  tthifc  to 

book  to  sec.    Articles  in  that  paper  have  been  attributed  to  e\ery  great  man  of      '  " 

the  day :   at  one  tunc  it  was  said  Buouguau  wrote  regularly,  at  another  Caxkiko 

was  a  known  txmtributor,  at  some  other  time  it  was  Sir  IIobeut  Peel,  Lord 

Arerdiex.    It  would  bo  curious  to  sec  the  real  names.    The  Chancellor'a  or  the 

Foreign  Seoretory'a  articles  would  most  Ukcly  turn  out  to  be  written  by  Joses 

or  Smith.    1  mean  no  disrespect  to  the  latter,  but  the  contrary — to  be  a  writer 

for  a  newspaper  requires  more  knowledge,  genius,  readiness,   scholarship,  than 

you  want  in  Saiut  Stephen's.    Compare  a  good  leading  ailiclc  and  a  speech  in  the 

House  of  Commons :  compare  a  House  of  Commons  orator  with  a  writer,  psha! 

Would  JoNKs  or  Skitii,  however,  much  profit  bv  the  pubUcatton  of  their  names 
to  their  articles  ?  That  is  doubtful.  When  the  (^rottidt  or  the  Times  siK-aks  now, 
it  is  "  we'*  who  are  speaking,  we  the  Liberal  Conservatives,  we  the  Cousenative 
Sceptics;  when  J>iKCs  signs  the  article,  it  is  we  no  more,  but  Jones.  It  goes 
to  tlic  pubhc  with  uo  authority.  The  punlic  does  not  care  very  ninch  what  Jonks's 
opinions  are.  They  don't  purchase  the  Jovra  o^an  any  more — the  paper  drot^: 
and,  in  fart,  1  ean  conceive  nothing  more  wearisome  than  to  see  the  names  ot 
Smith.  Bkown,  Ju.nks,  Kobinso.s,  and  so  forth,  written  in  capitals  every  day,  day 
after  dav,  under  the  various  artielea  of  the  paper.  Tlic  pubUc  would  begin  to  cry 
out  at  the  poverty  of  tlie  literary  dramatis  persons.  Wc  hare  had  BmjwN  twelve 
times  this  month  it  would  say.  That  Robinsok's  name  is  always  coming  up — as 
soon  as  there  is  a  lluance  question,  or  a  foreign  ({uestion,  or  wlmt  not,  it  ts  SMrrn 
who  signs  the  article.    Give  us  somebody  else. 

Thus  Bbowh  and  RonissOEr  would  get  n  doubtful  aud  prcGarious  bread  instead 
of  the  comfortable  and  regidar  engagement  which  they  now  have.  *  he  paper 
woidd  not  Ihj  what  it  is.  It  would  be  impositibic  to  employ  men  on  trial,  and  soe 
what  their  talents  were  worlb.  Occasion  is  half  a  public  writer's  battle.  To  sit 
down  in  his  study  aud  compose  an  article  that  might  be  suitable,  is  a  hard  work 
for  him:  twice  as  hard  as  tlie  rcid  work;  and  yet  not  the  real  work;  which  is  to 
fight  the  battle  at  two  hours'  notiee,  at  the  civcn  place  and  lime.    The  debate  is 

over  at  twelve  (tVlock  at  niyrht^lel  us  say.     Mr.  Editor  looks  round,  aud  lixes  on       Meciu's  Magic  Crops. — Our  own  BenoTtM,"*^^^^?^^     , 
his  man.    "  Now  's  tout  lime,  CAn.MN  Smith,"  says  he.  "  cliarge  tlie  enemy,  aud  a  visit  to  Mii.  Mechi's  'I'i^U'Mt  ^^""^"'^^^^V^^^^SJ^^^l 
rout  them,*'— or  "advance.  Colonel  Junes,  with  your  colunm  ajid  charge."  return-.  —  "  tVft  \wi^^  Sa  Wi  ^'wrosk'™-^"^^^**'*^^**^^^ 

Now  there  may  be  men  who  are  Jo.'^ts's  or  Ho&lNsos's  superiors  in  inlcUe(A.j\ft\eTvWic^v\wma^^oa5i.^v*t^r 


exhibit  more  than  a  certain  number  of  pictures. 

Besides,  if  to  some  men  the  want  of  pubhcitv  is  an  evil : 
to  many  others  the  privacy  ia  most  welcome.  Many  a  voung 
barrister  is  a  pubhc  writer,  for  instance,  to  whose  tutme 
prospects  his  fame  as  a  literary  man  wouhi  pivc  no  po&sible 
aid,  and  whose  intention  it  is  to  jjut  auav  the  pen,  when 
the  attorneys  bc-gin  to  find  out  his  juridical  merits.  To  such 
a  man  it  would  onl^  be  a  mislortune  to  be  known  as  u 
writer  of  leading  articles.  Uis  battle  for  fame  and  fortune 
is  to  be  made  with  other  weapons  than  ihe  \ic\\.  I'hcu 
again,  a  man  without  ambition — and  there  are  very  many 
s»ich  sensible  persons,  or  whose  ambition  does  not  go  oej/ond 
his /Kz/ffKyrw  is  happy  to  have  the  oppctrtuniiy  of  quietly 
and  honourablv  adding  to  his  income :  of  occupying  himself: 
of  improving  Limself :  of  paying  for  Tom  at  college,  or  for 
Mamma's  carriage — and  what  not.  Take  away  this  modest 
mask— force  every  man  upon  the  public  stage  to  appear  with 
his  name  placarded,  and  we  lose  some  of  the  best  books, 
some  of  tlic  best  articles,  some  of  the  plcosaniest  wit  that 
we  have  ever  had. 

On  the  whole,  then,  in  this  controversy  f  am  against 
HiTCiiiNos:  ana  although  he  insists  upon  it  that  ho  is  n 
persecuted  being,  I  do  nut  beheve  it;  and  although  he 
declares  tliat  J  ought  to  consider  my-'"  '  '  1  on  by  Ihe 
world,  1  decline  to  ndiitit  tiinr  I  am  j  •  .iid  protest 

llial  it  treats  me  aud  my  brelhrcn  kiuui.L  i.^    ,;     ujiix. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAHIVARL 


ei 


TOB  NcPiVLKlB  PkINCB  8U  OOWK  A  MILS  AMD  i  UALT  m  4  CaB| 
AND  TII8  COK»CIK>riO09  DRIYBft  UOPBB  FOCR  8tJV'B.I>l&  WO.f'r  BK  OUT 
01'    ^B  WAT  ! 


A     BIT    OF     MY     MIND. 


b 


BIT  THE  FIFTEENTH. 

MAS.  UOCSKn  UCeiYSS  ANOTHEB    LRTTER   ThOU    PABIS.   VHICU,  THIS 
TWR,   SHB   DOM   KOT   AlfSWEB. 

Mit.  PuKcn,--lIari2i9  been  draf^red  into  priut  by  MousBn's  letter 
— Trliich  I  tbougbt,  yes,  I  hut  my  miagivings,  I  sho\ild  be  sorry  for;  but 
which,  on  the  controx)',  u  Mius.  IluiiNBUJweH  &nd  other  kind  fnends 
inform  rae,  has  oiUy  shown  my  proper  spirit,— having  been  cumpclied  to 
answer  my  own  Uwfai  huabftnd  thrcmgh  yonr  imirensal  oolumn^s — for  if 
1  'm  not  to  kutnr  Mocker's  nnvBte  Address,  / '«  not  going  to  dirrct  to 
the  I'osl-Office,  I  cnn  assure  nim — 1  shall  continue  the  corteaiXMidencc 
Lt-'l't  in  wiJowhootl,  us  1  inav  say,  al  home — it  will  he  somo  s.itisfariioii 
to  feci  that  the  world  knows  now  1  *m  treated,  and  how— ul'  oour»e — 1  'm 
pitied  accordingly. 

Mr.  Piutch,  your  lost  number  could  hardly  Imve  got  to  Paris,  could 
Bearoely  have  been  hud  upon  the  Cafd  table — I  mean  the  Cafi^  of  the 
Inootuolable  Husbands — when  MorSER,  I  know  him  well !  »onavl  by 
the  rad-hol  shot— as  Mits.  Hornulowkr  pavs  roc  the  compHinent  to 
Oall  it,  nieanuu(  my  letter — the  red-hot  shot  tuat  wus  in  it,  wrote  me  an 
RuaWLT;  whicn,  at  a  blow,  and  without  a  moment's  hesitation,  I  print  ! 

"raria.  {AhH  thai'taUi] 

"Mt  DEAJtESt  AND   EVER  DeAE  AmELU. 

"  [Thai  the  ink  in  hU  pen  didmU  turn  scarUi  leifh  blwihitigj  is  ~J 
ftilt  Mw  it — vfhai  ntrwiset  me  /]  Having  despftt/rhed  mv  business— ^  TAiji 
M  ihefirgt  time  I*ee  Anrn/  </  it.  But  it  vm't  butineu  thnl  takrs  him  from 
ma ;  m;  it  catt  be  notkinff  but  pleasure  /]— 1  shall  now,  like  the  wearied 
dove^  begin  to  think  of  my  rest.  Yon  can  have  no  idea,  Amjilia,  trf  the 
weonncfla  of  Paris.  {No:  and  mth  his  will  I'm  not  likely  to  kaoe.^ 
Attached  as  yon  are — it  is  my  pride  to  know  it — to  the  calm  retirement 
of  our  own  hearth— <Mrith  what  delight  shall  I  again  fit  my  feet  into  my 
sHijpers,  and  drop  once  more  inlu  uiy  own  chair !) — how  glad  1  am  that 
I  did  not  cairy  out  ray  first  impulse,  and  gpnlly  insist  npou  bringing  you 
with  nie.  {.And  went  ami  tent  in  the  pointers,  and  that  on  pitrpom  to  Hep 
me  si^erino  ">  '^  house  t} 

"  A  part  of  the  time  that  I  could  snatch  from  business,  1  devoted  to 
what  ore  colled  the  gaieties  of  Paris.  All  hoUow — all  uureaL  The 
Boulevatdi  arc  by  no  means  o<|un!  tu  Oxford  Street ;  the  Elysian  Fields 
OS  they  an:  called—hut  the  French  would  find  El>iiiiua  in  a  seulry-box— 
aru  nut  to  be  sfx'kcu  c)f  wilh  our  own  Trafalgar  Sijuare ;  whilst  for  the 
Louvre,  wht.TL>  ihey  lions:  their  pirlurr^  and  httl  up  their  slatuea,  never 
dreoiuof  it,  A]ieLLl,whdsl — as  an  KuKliah^Yomau — vuu  have  the  blessing. 
gralifl,  of  our  own— own  National  Galhiry.  fndeed,  altoirctber  — 
espceioUy  to  a  woman  of  your  simple  tastes— Purui  is  a  mbtike.  No 
sooner  would  you  have  he£>n  licre,  than  you  would  have  sighed  for 
London.     C-f^v  "V»y,  he  mii/ht  hare  let  me  mgh  for  myiie(f/] 


"1  have  Bcea  Versailles,  but  only  for  your  satisfaction.  My  love,  it  is 
not  to  be  spoken  of  with  Buckingham  Palace,  And  then  for  tlie  water- 
works, why — with  our  own  fotmioins  in  Trafal^  Si|uare,  for  with  the 
pride  of  an  EnsclL^hman  I  must  airaio  return  to  ii — they  itink  to  nnihmtf. 
Indeed,  with  idmost  everjlliing  I  have  beheld  I  Imvc  beeu  disap[>oinletl. 
Twenty  times  I  have  caught  myself  suyinp,  or  about  to  sa>',  '  Dear 
Amjslla!  Uow  she  would  nave  been  disenchanted  I  How  happy  I  am 
for  her  sake — [I  dare  Mau  t}— (or  her  sake,  I  did  not  bring  her  bero  '* 
For  compared  with  London  everything  is  i'  "rid  small     Thru 

there  is  a  Statue  of    Napoleon  on  the  I  ■  me     My   love' 

think  of  the  York  Column  of  our  own  Lu;  ■  'u'll  de»pi«;  it. 

[ffhieh^     Apaiu,  to  dissipate  a  lowncss  nl  i^  has  mmecount- 

ably  crept  over  nic  since  wo  separated,  1  weui  n  din  dca  Plautes, 

which  is  French  for  Ilear-garden.  You,  who  detiglit»o  much  in  our  own 
ZoologicaU — you,  who  are,  I  itsflv  ssy,  so  mnen  at  home  among  the 
monkiyaof  your  own  1  (-re.     [l am  not  to  ti$M 

Iff  that.]     Whilst    1  ^-  here  and  there  at 

wretrlicd  spceinifn>,  ^  ;..„  .,,.  i.i,.,  ..jtiiiamus  ! 

"  My  greatest  di^;.,  ,  however,  was  rcscn-ed  for  the  theatres. 

I  have  seen  fiomt*  li  -hut  only  on  a  point  of  principle — of 

curiosity,  1  should  mlUer  sajr.  And  it  hapiKnrd  in  this  rouunrr,  The 
first  play  I  saw  was  tjiken  from  the  Adelphi— our  own  Adcluhi.  The 
nexifrom  the  I.  J.  again  fi-ora  the  Lyceum  !  Ancl  soon.  As 

an  Kn?!ishiiiaii  I'.re  to  theatre,  you.  Amklia,  who  know 

my  iiiipuUive  ic;,,, .jv:r  a  sense  of  wrontr — you  will  U^sl  judj;e 

the  excitement  of  my  technss  when  I  tell  yon  that,  out  of  no  le^»  than 
one  dozen  plays,  eleven  of  them  had  beeu  shamefully  stolen  from  the 
Kuglish  boards  by  our  unpnneiplcd  neighbours !  Wncn  1  felt  assured 
of  tliis,  you  who  know  me  Too  well  f]  will  know,  t  hat  I  felt  it  impossibU 
lo  remam  another  hour — Inat  is,  another  hour  comfortably  among  such 
a  |)eoi>le ! 

•*  ilavinir.  then,  ray  dearest  Ameua,  transacted  all  my  business— 1  may 
say,  scmmuleJ  lhrou^'h  much  of  it — tha'  1  might  the  sooner  simke  the 
dust  of  this  citT  fn>m  mv  shocks  to  wipe  them  on  my  own  hearth-rug — 
I  shall,  in  one  fond  word,  be  with  vou  on  Wednesday. 

"  Yes,  Amelia  ;  on  Wednesday  f  I  shall  return  from  Dover  by  rail,  of 
course  *  and  con^olino:  mvself  with  the  delightful  thought  that 

*'  I  shall  he  at  the  Hnnlchiyer's  Anus  precisely  at  ten, 

"  A  nd  in  your's  at  elev  en, 

"  I  remain,  your  affectionate  hnsbaitd, 

"JoH>   MoUSfifi. 

"F.S.  1  had  almost  forgotten  to  tell  my  Aueua«  that  I  have  run  all 
over  Paris  to  buy  her  some  pretty  little  presents— but,  I  am  deeply 
grieved  to  add,  without  success,  yf^h  -^  I  tried  to  pnrdiase  a  Um 
veil — [The  rerv  thina  t  wantf] — when  the  thought  came  over  me,  as  I 
looked  at  it.  that  the  article  misht  be  bought  belter  and  cheaner  in 
Ix)ndnn.  [(Yeourse.']  My  next  endeavour  was  at  a  jeweller's.  There 
I  uitched  iipon  what  seemed  to  be  a  vcn-  beaut  ifid  chain,  when  a  friend 
wno  was  with  me— one  of  my  old  bachelor  frienda  whom  I  haven't  met 
since  I  was  married — one  of  the  stcadief<t  fellows,  by  the  way,  iu  the 
world — when  he  comocUed  me  to  remark,  that  French  jewellery,  how- 
ever fine,  was  nothing  so  good — so  solid  as  our  own.  I  assented  io 
the  obscnaiion,  though  not  without  a  pong;  and— mtist  buy  my  Amelu, 
what  I  do  buy,  at  home. 

"  Again,  I  had  this  wnisolalion.  I  am  the  worst  smuirgler  in  the 
world.  With  my  foolishly  innocent  face,  the  articles  would  have  been 
detected  upon  me,  and— isn't  it,  my  love,  better  as  it  is  ?  " 

Now,  Mr.  Puneh,  I  have  scarcely  made  a  remark  upon  oU  this.  I 
have — I  uuur  say,  at  a  ruinous  sacrifice  to  my  feoUngs — said  almost 
nothing.  No.  T  resolved  to  remain  quiet  until  I  'd  got  Mouskr  safely 
at  home.  I  was  culcuhiting  upon  it,  when— you  might  have  knocked  me 
down  with  a  straw!— there  came  this  letter! 

"  Mt  DAiiLtyo  Amrlia,  "  Paris.     lOniy  Paris  again  /] 

"  Mi)ST  pressing  l}usincss  oompeU  mc  to  divert  a  little  from 
my  route  homeward.    My  darling,  direct,  Post-Office,  Brussels ! 

"  Ever,  doatingly, 
"lour  MoosER." 

Indeed!  But,  Mr,  Punrh,  at  this  moment,  I  will  not  tell  you  my 
intentions.  I  will  not  put  upon  paper  the  scorpions  that — but  it 's  no 
nmtter.  All  I  wish  to  say  is  this :  if  vou  receive  a  letter  with  a  foreign 
post-mark,  dou't  be  surprised  if  it 's  from 

Yours  (pocking  ap). 
The  Uonejfsuekles.  Axeua  MoUsbr. 


TRIU— <A8H  OSLt." 

The  Debat4.-«  last  week  contained  a  discussion  upon  "  turnpike 
truAts."  This  sounds  rather  Ukca  inisnomor;  for  we  always  thou'^ht 
that  a  turnpike  was  one  of  those  things  that  inaigted  u^o.  t«W^ 
money,  and  never  gave  any  trrut. 


■^«»,  6^^^.■. 


63 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


GENEEGSITY  TO  POOE  SOLDIEES. 

COBBEfiPONSXNT    of    the 

Timet,  in  the  subjomed 
passage,  has  invited  pub- 
lic attention  to  a  pretty 
graceful  act  on  the  part 
of  the  House  of  Com- 
mons, and  to  a  judicious, 
considerate,  feelins,  re- 
mark on  that  of  the 
Secretary-at-War : — 

"  Tbfl  HooM  of  ComisoiH 
on  Friday,  with  bat  one  dis- 
sentient, Agreed  thet  the  pri- 
Tate  Mlaier  who  had  Mtrned  ■ 
good-ooodart  medal  should  be 
malcted  of  one  week's  pey  or 
more  out  of  hli  scanty  wans 
as  the  condition  of  fala  obtain- 
ing the  oerUficate  of  hononr. 
The  Seeretery-at-War.  with 
that  noneSatanee  so  usual  in 
a  rich  man  when  he  truts  ot 
tlic  ont-goings  of  the  poorer, 
nays,  'U  U  no  great  exse- 
tlon.' " 

It  would  be  "  no  great 
exaction "  to  deprive 
poor  soldiers  of  their 
week's  pay,  eh.  Ma.  Fox 
Maule  P  No  great  ex- 
action: no,  only  a  little 
one.  Well  then,  perhaps 
it  would  be  no  great 
generosity.  Right  Ho- 
nourable Sir,  if  you  were  to  subscribe  a  week's  salary  towards  finding  them  medals 
ffratii.  In  that  case,  the  men  may  be  willing  to  keep  the  baubles ;  otherwise,  it  is 
probable  they  wiU  be  inclined  to  sell  them  for  what  they  will  fetch.  And  it  would, 
no  doubt,  pay  any  enterprising  speculator  to  buy  them  up,  and  send  them  over 
to  some  country  nl-disposed  towards  us,  to  be  hawked  about  as  curiosities— sold 
as  extraordinary  illustrations  of  British  meanness. 


RAPID  ACT  OF  ASSMANSmP. 


TuEKE  is  at  present  such  a  glut  of  the  baUoon-market,  that  the  aeronauts  are 
jostling  each  other  in  the  air,  and  the  veteran  Gbekm's  car  is  stopping  the  way 
of  the  car  of  the  veteran  Gbahax.  A  mere  act  of  simple  strai^htforwanl  balloon- 
ing has.  however,  lost  its  effect  on  the  public  mind,  which  reluses  to  be  aroused 
bv  anything  less  excitmg  than  an  aeronaut  on  horseback,  who  runs  a  fearful  risk 
of  being  sent  on  the  sama  journey  that  a  beggar  is  said  to  be  likely  to  take,  when 
he  turns  equestrian. 

Last  week  the  veteran  Green  was  announced  to  ascend  in  a  balloon  on  horse- 
back; and  when  the  evening  came,  a  poor  little  pony  was  brought  forward, 
with  his  legs  stuck  into  sockets — like  a  couple  of  pairs  of  candlesticks — and  the 
veteran,  supporting  his  feet  upon  a  pile  of  ballast-bags,  ascended  in  the  balloon 
with  the  animal  between  his  legs^  but  resting  none  of  his  weight  on  the  dimi- 
nutive  quadruped.  The  whole  afEair  was  a  piece  of  child's  play,  which  would 
have  been  much  more  complete,  and  far  less  disagreeable,  if  the  sensible  advice  of 
Ma.  NoaTON,  the  Lambeth  Magistrate,  had  been  taken,  and  a  wooden  horse  had 
been  used,  instead  of  a  real  pony. 

If  the  veteran  Green  must  have  his  hobby,  let  it  be  a  hobby  in  the  strict  sense 
of  the  word,  and  he  will  then  spare  the  feclmgs  of  the  Society  for  the  Prevention 
of  Crueltv  to  the  Dumb  Species.  The  air  is  not  the  proper  element  for  eques- 
trian performances,  nor  ought  an  attempt  to  be  made  to  get  up  a  rivalry  to 
Astley's  in  the  skies  above  the  suburbs. 


THE  MINISTER  TO  HIS  MAJORITY. 

AiB— "  JSovJ  awaj/,  yoJbA  Bo]/*  I "  Mantical  Helody. 

Th£  House  of  Commons  has  a  knack. 

Vote  away,  yoho,  boys ! 
Of  piling  loads  oi.  Johk  Buix's  back. 

To  any  height,  you  know,  boys. 
Come,  put  your  motion ;  sure  un  I, 
If  we  can't  get  it,  still  we  'U  try 
To  make  Old  England's  money  fly; 

Vote  away,  yoho,  boys ! 

With  twelve  thousand,  yearly  paid. 

Vote  away,  voho,  bovs ! 
Cambridge  is  a  nappy  blade; 

And  you  have  made  him  so,  boys. 
Now  stables  for  the  Prince  _  of  Wales 
To  bmld,  another  grant  entails ; 
We  want  the  cash — ne'er  mind  who  rails — 

Vote  away,  yoho,  boys ! 

The  other  Boyal  infants  too. 
Vote  awajr,  yoho,  boys ! 

Must  be  provided  for  by  Vou, 

As  they  increase  and  grow^  boys. 

Strip  needy  clerks— skin  any  flmt— 

But  never  Prince  or  Princess  stint. 

Vote— though  their  pensions  break  the  mint- 
Vote  away,  yoho,  boys ! 

For  odious  acts  of  every  kind, 

Vote  away,  yoho,  boys ! 
And  public  feeling,  never  mind. 

Kor  outcries  of  "  Oh,  oh !  *'  boys. 
Pass  any  Sabbatarian  bill, 
Inflict  whatever  bore  you  will ; 
And— till  the  cup  you  over-fill— 

Vote  away,  yoho,  boys ! 


BALLOON  SCIENTIFIC  PREPARATIONS  FOR 
THE  ENSUING  WEEK. 

Monday.  The  veteran  Green  will  ascend  on  the  vetermn 
tortoise  (aged  197  years),  lately  arrived  at  the  Zoologic«l 
Gardens. 

Tuesday.  Ms.  Barbt,  the  down^  will  mount  on  a  donkor, 
and  sing  "  Hot  Codlins  ^'  at  the  altitude  of  600  feet. 

Wednesday.  The  veteran  Green  will  in  the  character  ot 
an  old  witch,  mount  on  a  broom,  ana  dance  the  witches' 
dance  in  the  air. 

Thursday.  Lieutenant  Gale  will  disguise  himself  as  the 
Courier  of  St.  Petersburg,  and  ascend  on  the  backs  of  six 
blind  horses. 

Friday.  Mas.  Graham,  or  Madame  Wharton,  wUI 
make  her  ascent  on  horseback  as  Lady  Godiva. 

Saturday.  Grand  race  between  six  balloons  with  ux 
horses,  and  six  balloons  with  six  donkeys.  N.B. — Nono 
but  English  donkeys  allowed  to  compete. 


BONNYCASTLE  AND  BROADCLOTH, 

There  is  doubtless  an  affinity  between  weights  and  measures,  but  thesubsti-^ 
lution  of  tailors*  weights  for  tailors*   measures — a  state  of  things  to  which  we  j 
are  approaching— will  have  in  it  something  rather  peculiar.    The  advertisements  I 
now  continually  inform  us  that  we  may  purchase  paletfits  weighing  only  so  many 
ounces,  and  we  shall  soon  be  expected  to  buy  our  clothes  by  the  pound,  as  we  do 
our  Ua  and  sugjar.    We  shall  be  sending  to  our  tailors  shortly  for  such  and  such  a 
quantity  of  maed  garments,  including  so  many  ounces  of  strong  boys'  black, 
and  a  quarter-of-a-pound  or  so  of  green,  or  any  other  serviceable  colour.    The 
cheap  tailoring,  like  the  cheap  tea-dealing,  leads,  of  course,  to  the  introduction  of 
a  quantity  of  spurious  trash,  and  we  recommend  the  public  not  to  try  more  than 
an  ounce  at  a  time  of  those  articles  which  they  see  announced  in  the  puffing 
advertisements.  

Hear!  Hkar!— We  don't  wonder  at  the  delay  in  getting  through  the  Appeal 
business  in  the  House  of  Lords,  notwithstanding  the  acavityof  Lord  Bbocqham, 
for  in  that  house  eveiTthing  is  vecy  hard  of  hearing. 


Feel  and  Wordsworth. 

Statues  and  monuments  of  many  kinds  are  to  be  erected 
to  the  memory  of  Peel.  We  rejoice  thereat :  and,  rejoicing. 
wish  the  numoer  doubled.  But  how  about  Wordsworth? 
No  monument  to  him — or  only  one  at  mostP  Shellbt 
has  called  poets  "  the  unacknowledged  legislators  of  man- 
kind." Wordsworth  has  been  a  most  potent  legisUtor; 
somethingj  more  than  M.  P.  for  Rydal  Mount.  Nevertheless, 
as  only  being  a  legislator  in  print,  and  not  in  Parliament,  he 
is  a  le^slafor  unacknowledged.  Lord  John  proposes  no 
statue  for  him.        __^ 

THE  statesman's  DREAM. 

Alderman  Httmfhery,  in  the  course  of  a  debate  on  the 
new  House  of  Commons,  said,  that,  in  consequence  of  ita 
limited  accommodation.  Members  would  often  go  out  to  take 
a  nap  in  the  Library.  We  are  quite  sure  that  no  Member 
anxious  for  a  nap  wul  take  the  trouble  to  ^  out  into  the 
Library.  He  will  merely  keep  his  seat  durmg  a  debate,  and 
exhausted  nature  will  soon  find  repose. 

Pabijaxzntabt  Almanack.  —  Latter  end  of  Juljr» 
"Puring  "  time  begins. 


THE  LONDOX  CHAniA^ARI 


63 


» 


I 


HOW  WE  DO  BUSINESS  IN  THE  HOUSE. 

xKT  I. — A  niffht  Mt  FeBmaiff. — Hour  \alf* 
jMt  \Op.m.  Order  ffi/^da^iBUi for  re- 
guUtinffihepawmcHtof  Brlpriiria.  Hotaa 
atrtadf  in  ComviUtfe ,  Mil  Ker^kl  ia 
th^  CAttif,  Jbout  JiM  hundred  MfuUrs 
prciiw/,  aHd  ail  awake. 

Mn.  Dk  Newgatk  moved  llut  the 
Cliairnian  do  rrport  progress.  <7>r- 
mntduMS  cheertHg  from  all  parts  of  ike 
Bottie.)  They  Ima  been  sitting  two  hours, 
and  the  mc^ure  was  far  t<K)  iin^Kirtnnl 
to  be  pressed  further  to-nif^ht.  iHearf) 
In  Ilia  opiuion  they  hftd  gone  too  far  already,  and,  counidcnng  the 
tatonoM  of  the  hcuir,  he  hoped  there  would  bo  no  opposilion  to  his 
motion.    iCh^^i.) 

CoLOKEL  SlBTHonp  cordiftUy  concurred.  He  would  stand  by  his 
excellent  friend  to  the  hat;  ay,  to  the  deAth.  {Ohf  Oh !  from  Mk. 
JouN  O'CoNNELL.)  It  WAS  V cry  wclI  for  the  Honourable  Mrmbcrlo 
cry*' Oh!"  Would  he  do  the  same  ?  No,  he  would  not !  He  knew 
better,  lie  talked  once  of  '*dyin{?  on  the  floor  of  tlic  Honsc,"  bui 
it  was  nil  moonshine,  Sir — hninbuir— dismis-linK  rubbish — and  »>  was 
cvervlliinR  that  came  from  that  side  of  tlie  House 

.M^R.  Jofij;  O'CoNMii.i.  compbincd  of  beiup  misrepresented  by  the 
pnlUnt  Colonrl.  lit-  li;id  not  cried  "Oh'  "  He  had  cheered  the  Hon. 
and  ciillnnl  Member.  He  loo.  like  llje  gallant  Colonel,  would  stand  to 
llie  driitli  tn  icMstinjr  this  indcrcnt  attempt  to  force  nn  important-  he 
wimld  add,  an  Al;trrini'— measure  upon  a  reluctant  and  ovcr|>owcred 
House — and  he  bcs;;:cd  to  tell  the  Hon.  Member  that,  nntwithsuiidinj? 
the  sneers  at  his  proposal  "to  die  on  tlic  tloor,  if  necessary,"  in  now 
rcpeatinff  that  protK)s;il,  ho  was  now  as  much  in  earnest  as  ever  he  was. 
{l/md  r^-frf/rom  fhf  Irish  }f embers.) 

C-OLONEL  SiBTiioRp  ucecpU'd  wlth  satisfaetion  the  apology  of  the 
linn.  Member— might  he  say,  Hon.  friend — 

Mr.  John  0*CotiVRLL  acknowledged  the  compliment  in  the  usual 
itiHtiner. 

Lord  John  Russeix  thought  tliat  the  discussion  on  &  hill  like  this, 
of  comparatiTcIy  sraall  irooortance,  (A'o/  Ao/  anH  Inr^fc  uproar  fn>m 
ail  parti  cf  ike  BouMf^)  mtqnt  be  allowed,  at  thb  earlv  hour,  [rrtirwed  and 
IfoiiUfotu  erpreuioMM  qfdi^tienl,) — why,  it  was  only  nalfpast  10  o'clock, 
{ptneral  diiMprohaiioH,)— to  ^  on  to  the  end  of  the  drst  cUuse.  If  at 
11  o'clock  they  had  not  got  so  far,  he  would  then  willingly  consent  to 
the  postponement  of  the  measure  for  aixoihcr  evening. 

[Orieai^'* Report wogr&s"  "Brotiierton,"  "  Time!  Time!"  ^e., 
Sre.y  ^tf.,  mmiatl  wkiek  Lord  John  Hcsszu.  resumes  his  seat. 
Maag  other  Members  fuiring  in  vain  essajted,  amidst  the  storm 
vhieh  aumed,  to  vblum  a  hfaring,  the  question  to  report  progress 
it  pni  Sg  Ma.  Kernfu  and  earned  without  a  airision.  The 
fkrther  eontidenUion  <^  the  vtmsure  i*ptit  off  for  three  weelcs. 

I'iET  n.— .^  morning  in  Angnst.hour  2  o'eloek  a.  m.  Order  of  the  dag; 
Bill  f(fr putting  the  Army,  Nacg,  Constat/ ularg,  Judiriat  and  other 
Esiaolvshments,  won  a  new  footing,  and  for  vetting  the  management 
ther*ef  in  //,  /c.  Highness  the  Prince  Consort.  Ten  Members  present^ 
<f  iMOM  four  fast  axleep,  and  other  five  nodding  and  prinking. 

Mil  SrEAKER  [far  gone  in  somnoteneg,  but  trying  rerg  hard  to  loot 
solemn  and  wide-ateake).  That  tlic  House  go  into  Committee  on  this  Bill. 

Am  Hon.  Mem.bee  {of  Opposition,  hay  in  and  haffout  of  sleep).  Oh, 
oh! 

Mr.  MuLTNEi'X  ((/ 1^  t^me^  jogging  him  teverelg,  and  whinpering). 
It  'a  all  righl.    We  agree. 

Mr.  SfK&KER.  That  I  do  leave  the  Chair, 
[Pk/  and  carried  una.  eon.    The  Sfk.vker  leares  the  Chair,  and  Mn. 
Kermbi^  Chairman  ^Committees,  takes  it. 

Chairuan  of  CoMuiTTEEa.  Is  there  any  onpositioa  to  this  BUI? 

An  Hon.  Member  {of  Opposition,  cerg pointedly.  None. 

CnAiRMAN  or  Committees.  Is  there  any  opposition  to  the  amend- 
ments F 

A»  Hon.  Member  {ffthe  Treaeurg  Benrh).  None. 

Chairman  of  CoMMiTTr.ES  (u^tth  preternatural  rapiditg).  Tliat  this 
Bill  be  read  a  first  time.  Opinion  say  Aye !  contrary  No  \  The  Avcs 
have  it.  That  it  be  read  a  second  time.  Onimonsay  Aye!  contrary  No! 
1'he  Ares  have  it.  That  the  Preamble  be  postponed.  Clause  L  and 
the  otfier  clauses— any  objection  to  tliem  ? 

Hon.  MEMDEEfi  [on  both  tidet,  with  eonenlttte  ea<femc9s).  None. 

CuAiuMAN  or  Committees  {at  a  killing  paer).  TW  the  bUnks  in 
the  ctnuscs  be  fillLMl  up  with  sums,  and  so  on  ;  that  words  be  omitted. 
aud  words  put  iu,  und  so  on ;  and  that  the  cUuses  as  so  amended  stauu 
jiart  of  the  Bill.  Opinion  say  Aye !  the  contrary  No  I  The  Ayes  have 
It.    Any  new  clauses? 

Mji.  MoLkNEUX.  I  move  the  addition  of  these  fourteen  new  clauses. 

iUands  in  a  largt  bundle  </  Papers. 


Mb.  John  Gatteu  {fsoddmgeneoaragtnglganddepreeatingliti.  All  right. 

Chairman  OF  Committees  (riM^mi/ Mw'rfiyy).  New  clauses.  Be 
it  enacted,"  and  so  on.  That  ihey  be  aodcd  to  the  Bill.  Opinion 
say  Aye !  contrary  No !  The  Ayes  have  it.  That  this  be  the  Pre- 
amble. Opinion  so?  Aye !  contrary  No !  The  Ayes  have  it.  That  I  do 
report  this  Bill  with  the  amendniruts  to  the  House.  Opinion  say  Aye! 
eontmry  No!  The  Ayes  have  it.  That  1  do  now  leave  the  Chair. 
Opinion  say  Aye !  the  contrary  No !    The  Ayes  liavc  it. 

[The  House  reeume*,  and  the  SrEARER,  who  has  been  eujoging  a  con- 
centrated nap,  awakes,  and  takes  tha  Chair. 

Mr.  Kernel  [to  SpeakebV  Sir,  i'      "  le  through 

this  BilL  clause  by  ehiuse,  and  hare  i;  i  herein. 

Tme  SpeaJLER  {very  drovsifp,  but  h.--.  .,  .-n^  ..,  :,..,. i  .HanAfutness). 
That  this  Honse  do  now  adjourn. 

IThe  Bouse  adjmtrns,  at  one  minute-and-a-kalf  after  S  o'eloek. 


LORD  DOUBLEJOHN 


There  dies  a  great  philosopher  or  bard. 

liCavinK  his  wife  and  chiJdrcu  t()  the  Nation; 
A  meajrre  pittance  is  the  State's  aw.ird. 

liarcly  enough  to  wivc  thcui  from  sljuratiou. 
To  all  complaint  replies  the  Trr"  •■ '  ■^■••■■t. 

"True,  'twa?  a  hanl  rnAe— ii  [ilorrd  it; 

More  (iovernmeut  wuuld  give,  Si  a  shni^ 

He  adds — "the  fact  was,  they  could  not  ivlTord  it," 

A  publio  maintenance  a  Duke  dcmaudx 

Of  Boyol  stem — herein  his  sole  pretension — 
The  liberal  Minister,  with  open  hands, 

Gives  him  twelve  thousand  pounds  a  year  for  nension. 
"Come,  come,"  nIcadsHuMK,  "  you  know  von  re  in  distress ; 

Eight  thousand  were  an  ample  patrimony.  ' 
"Twelve  !"  insists  John— "wc  couldn't  tnink  of  less." 

Ob,  Humbug !    Humbug !  aurc  thy  name  is  Johnnt. 


FLKETING  POPULARITY. 


There  is  a  gentleman  named  Hamet  who  is  enjoying  juat  now  a  large 
amount  of  popularity  a.^  the  Iwd-ftillow  of  the  Hinpopotnmns.  Un- 
fortunately, the  career  of  this  individual  hand's  on  a  slender  thread— the 
thread  in  question  being  the  life  of  the  animal  from  whom  he  derives  all 
the  t^lat  that  at  present  belongs  to  him.  Should  anything  happen  to 
the  Hippopotamus,  it  i.s  too  clear  that  \voot  Hauet  will  be  no  longer  a 
'  subject  of  interest.  Hippopotami  are  so  rare  that  it  is  wry-  unliKcly 
'  another  would  be  found  to  attach  himself  to  Haket  who  would  at 
once  fall  into  the  ranks  of  wretched  insignificance.  There  have  been 
many  instaiioes  of  this  sort  of  reflected  fame,  and  there  have  been 
known  ouc  or  two  cases  of  renown  having  been  shed  on  humbler  persons 
by  the  companionship  of  Ixird  Brouoham,  whom  wc  may  dr&cribe  as 
the  moral,  s(K:uil,  intelleetual^  aud  piditical  Hippopotamus  of  the  present 
day.  for  hia  Lordship  ia  certainly  in  all  respects  a  prodigy. 


Flacea  not  Wanted. 


Bt  an  act  lately  passed,  there  are  certain  apnointnients  to  he  mode 
of  persons  who  are  to  be  styled  "Directors"  of  various  nrisoas  The 
salary  is  good,  but  there  is  such  a  horror  of  the  very  name  of  "Director," 
with  the  odiiun  and  liabilities  attached  to  the  office  since  the  bursting  of 
the  railway  bubble,  that  it  is  feared  no  one  will  bo  found  willing  to 
accept  the  office  ot  Dire^or  of  any  thing. 


TRE   TAIUJAMENTAiLY   PAIRING  SEASON. 

KvERT  day  the  paper  contains  a  short  list  of  what  may  be  termed 
"  Imppv  pairs,"  consisting  of  anumWof  "blessed  couples  "  of  Members 
of  Farhament,  who  have  "paired"  for  tlie  remainder  of  the  session. 
In  every  iiutanue  the  parties  paired  are  by  no  means  well  matched, 
and,  looking  at  the  dilTerenre  of  npinimi  on  both  nides,  wo  should  say 
there  never  could  be  more  decided  casrs  of  ill-assorted  anions. 


Sabbatarian  Fraternity. 

The  Morning  Post  of  Monday  last  week  stated  that  some  persons  of 
authority  in  the  nrigh)}Ourhood  of  Meeklcnburgh  Square,  Duuahtjr 
Street,  Foundling  Hospital,  had  on  the  iirevious  Sunday  caused  tli 
pump  in  that  viciuitv  tu  be  actually  locked  up — secured  with  a  strong 
iron  chain  and  padlock.  This  tyrannical  behaTiour  towu^  ^  v^na^ 
shows  how  very  little  Uic  Sabbatarians  arc  aQtufttfc<J».\i-^  \ivu^t'Cv\>fis*^ 


BROWN,    JON£S,    AND    ROBINSON    00   TO   THE    ZOOLOOICAL    GARDENS. 

.C2 


TBBZ   VUni/X  TBS  UAM. 


MUVM    UAVIKO    aiMlbT   BTniTNIt    IVtO    4    noOK  rOLL  or  VAC4«f» 

WK  BKR  Ttm  coHSRQinarc*. 


m   A   LOHILT   rAtBWAT   THIT  BIS  SOMITBUTO  COKlJro. 


r:;A 


■DftUnQII   riXM  TU«    WATBft-rOVL. 


Wi^      4- 


joxxB  TOLimmBa  to  usk  tbb  oamsi,  ahp,  to  a  CSKTAIS  UYltaiT* 

BB  2K>ia  XT. 


TBRT    AILK    PZMrAI»D  TO  BOCKT  7BK  StETBAn. 


>^■^^'^'^. 


I 


tsBT  00  ta  qvsn  or  tbi  mTroroTAVui. 


TBBT   5tt  TBB  BlPrOPOTABOl  1 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI 


POUR  EQUERRIES  AND  THREE  CHAPLAINS. 


TflsfixsiajsU  of  the  rcigfi  of  His  Royal  IltotiNKss  iwi,  Bukx  of 
OcBKii  GE  viU  have  bccii  rcAd  with  edification  b.r  the  British  public. 
By  the  firat  Jccrrc  Royal  Ili;?hiic»  appoints  four  equerries  1o  wait  uinm 
hun,  by  the  second  decree  Ro^al  lligiiness  appoints  three  chaplains  for 
his  Hoval  Establish  n  I  cut. 

The  criuemes  arc  pnvj  ooondllors  in  Jack-boots,  and  aecretaries-at- 
atnis,  to  Hoyal  ilighiir.s9. 

When  Royal  Highness  is  iadined  to  t-ake  a  drive.  Captain  the 
HofcotrruBLE  hkucrxm  Ptiancx  will  ride  on  his  right  hhnd,  Major 
THE   HoNouaABLt  ■  ■:  Trcitter  on  his  left.     Colokei.  the 

UoKOUEABLE  Aui:  tNGiiAU  witl  ride  in  advance,  while  the 

fourth  e^^uciT)',  Baro>  rriRz.iNsTJ.iiN,  will  bring  up  the  rear. 

The  e\uemas  \rill  take  it  by  lums,  two  and  two,  to  attend  at  bis 
Ro}&)  Ui^hiicss's  meals;  the  mulIinsoDd  news^pers  For  breakfast,  and 
the  two  firat  entries  for  dinner,  being  brought  in  on  horseback  by  the 
officers  in  att^ndaucc. 

His  Uo}'al  Highness  will  cxanuDe  his  Ic*ten  mounted:  tmiiiact  b:* 
business  at  &  canlen  look  over  his  arcounts  at.  a  hand-gallop:  aiui 
receive  petitioners  nod  >rraut  mterTJews  at  a  full  trot.  Business  generall. 
will  be  trau^acted  at  the  rate  of  eiKhl  niiles  an  Itour. 

As  neli«:ionhas  ever  been  the  acconijisniiiienl  of  Chivalry,  his  Royjil 
Highness's  Uirec  chaplains  will  be  in  constant  altenduiicc  upon  the 
PjiliJCE  and  his  Royal  Suite.  Tlie  Rev.  Mk.  Bknedick  will  say  grace 
before  dinner,  the  Rxv.  Mb.  Chantht  after  dinner,  and  the  Rxv 
Mr.  Laud  su^k  a  blesftioK  on  the  second  cour>e. 

The  equerries  will  sav  iheir  Catechisms  every  momintr  on  horseback. 
in  the  fnmi  yard  of  Oxbridpe  Houw  The  household  will  he  instructed 
in  learning  generally,  and  tlie  KoyQJ  Fnotmcn  and  Maid-sen'&nts  wUI  be 
put  throuifh  a  course  of  *'  WatUt  Ifymru." 

A  cliaplflin  will  always  sit  on  the  box  when  Rjoyal  IIighnp««  drives 
out.  and  will  improve  the  time  by  dflircring  a  lecture:  iJ  m 

beliiiid  uiii  officiate  as  clerks,  and  the  egucrries  in  wan 
exaimned  as  to  the  text  and  tlic  discourse. 

The  reverend  ^nllemen  will  each  take  two  days  in  the  week  on 
which  they  will  deliver  sermons  to  the  Hoyal  Household:  on  Sundavs 
^  three  nil)  preach  of  course,  when  the  whole  establishment  will  De 
♦XpCCted  *o  atlfud. 

For  of  what  use  are  three  dtaplains  to  a  Prince  of  t!ic  nineteenth 
century,  if  he  does  not  intend  to  make  use  of  them?  M  hut  is  the 
mcaaiwf  of  a  reverend  geni  le^nan  being  chaplain  to  a  Royal  Highness, 
if  the  duties  of  the  chajilain  arc  merely  nominal  ?  What  can  a  Prince 
vant  with  three  chaplanw,  or  three  chaplains  want  with  a  Prinec? 

"\Miat  can  a  tjuiel.  kind,  manlv.  and  simple  ircnlieman.  Prince  (hough 
iie  !»  of  the  British  Hhiod  Royal,  want  at  this  present  period  of  time 
with  four  e4juerries  and  three  parsons  in  the  Gasellef  Are  these  eere- 
niouics  now-a-days  useful  and  decorous,  or  aheurd  and  pitialile ;  and 
yicly  to  cause  Ine  scorn  and  Uni;hter  of  men  of  sense:'  When  the 
greatest  and  wisest  Statesman  in  England  djting  declares  he  will  have 
so  titles  for  his  sons,  and,  as  it  were,  repudiates  the  Peerage  as  a  pari 
of  the  Protective  system  which  must  fall  one  day,  as  other  Protective 
institutions  Imve  filleii — can't  sensible  folks  read  the  siims  of  the  times, 
and  be  nuict?  When  Lord  Jobk  comes  down  to  the  House  (with  that 
pluck  which  his  lordship  always  shows  when  he  has  to  meet  an  unp^>pular 
nieuurr),  and  asks  for  an  allowance,  which  the  nation  gnidginglv  grants 
to  its  pensioners, — when  the  allowance  is  flung  at  his  Ko^ol  Highness 
with  a  grumble,  is  it  wise  to  come  out  the  next  day  with  a  tall  of 
four  equerries  and  t  hrec  clergymen  !* 

Ah,  noble  Prince  !  rrfleet  I  hat.  besides  your  Royal  Hiffhness.  there  ia  a 
fcmily  of  great-nran^lfhildren  nf  (JEnRCB  the  Thiud,  whohwk  to  a  loyal 
British  oatiun  fur  maintenance  and  Iiouse-room ;  that,  as  Mailbnrough 
House  is  wanted  fur  one  Koyul  Highness,  and  granted,  nut  without 
tnimbling:,  lo  others  will  naturally  want  boani  aiul  lodging,  and  Red 
Lion  Honse.  or  Bioomsbury  House,  or  Baker  Hous&  mav  oe  required 
for  the  Royal  brrjthers  of  the  Pbij*ce  oe  Hales;  that  tliese  Princes 
mav  iiicrea&e  and  multiply,  and  that  iheir  sons  will  want  establishments 
ftnd  Parliamentary  grauis,  as  your  Royal  Highness  does  at  Ibis  dn^. 
Say  that  there  are  four  Princes,  and  that  each  has  three  sons  :  put  six 
enuernes  and  four  parsons  apiece  for  the  elder  Princes,  and  your  own 
allowanrc  of  four  and  tlircetorthe  younger  potentates;  we  nave  then 
(of  the  elder  branch  of  your  illustrious  House)  sixteen  Princes  attcndrd 
by  9cvciitv-two  eijUiemfis,  and  tilty-two  chaplains.  What  a  calculation ' 
If  our  noble  Minister,  Lord  Johk,  is  Premier  forty  years  hence,  there 
is  no  doubt  he  will  have  the  courage  to  propose  allowances  for  them 
fJl ;  and  OS  the  cost  of  their  mamteuanccs  wiD  be  most  unix>puiar  with 
the  countiy,  my  Lord  will  with  avly  the  more  ardour  advocate  tlieir 
riglits.  but  what  a  public  ferment  there  will  be  meanwhile,  of  •-'■-' 
according  lo  his  nature,  my  Lord  will  take  no  heed  !  What  a  l 
seom.  and  laughter,  and  indignation  !  These  Court  trains,  pen^  < 
saj>',  ai-e  luon^truus  bnd  unseemly.  Princes  might  wear  pig'tails  ab  well, 
or  touch  for  Uie  kimr'^-evU.  Among  the  men  of  sense,  itie  working  ana 
thinking  people  of  the  empire,  the  men  of  this  day,  eightecn-huuared* 
and-fifty.  do  you  suppose  It  is  sufferance  or  respect  with  which  these 


old-world  ceremonies  and  superannuated  Court  anti^<:  I'f  1  .IdP  The  day 
for  such  draws  \n  a  clnjie,  and  the  time  is  here  ^  i  ^t  to  shot 

up  the  old  pig-tails,  and  trains,  and  gold  sticks,  an  —at  which 

the  working  world  now  looks  with  scarcely  more  re»i*cct.  thou  at  Puimce 
WinDKOMB's  procession,  when  he  enters  the  ring  with  his  gentlemen, 
and  his  grooms,  and  his  jester. 


A  NEW  CRY. 


Ir  any  of  the  Members  of  the  House  of  Commons  should  wish  to 
"go  to  the  country  with  a  cry"  during  the  recess,  we  beg  leave  to 
call  the  attention  oi  Honourable  Gentlemen  to  a  cry.  which  appeared 
lor  the  tirst  tune  on  Fnday  last,  in  the  report  of  Uie  debelea  in 
Parliament. 

'ITie  cry  alluded  to  is  one  that  we  may  often  expect  to  meet  with 

again ;  for  of  all  the  cries  in  which  Honourable  Members  sre  apt  to 

indulge,  there  is  none  more  likely  tu  be  appropriately  called  into  use 

than  the  cry  in  onestion.     It  appears  that  Mn  RsYNoLoa  was  making 

!■  sncccli— we  beg  leave  to  say  that  we  use  the  term  "face- 

.   its    Parliamentary  sense  —  when,  among    other  vcnenUtle 

'- ' '''^    ^'' -tory  of  Paddy  doing  nothing,  and  ToM 

:  the  House  of  Cummonsi  n\t\\  be  used 
-hmoll  the  jokes  uf  HuuouruLle  Mem* 
pioMiinent  feature,  the  story  to  which  wo 
(>  nnich  of  the  autiquu  for  even  a  leffisUtivo 
I'lrltament  rang,  for  the  first  time  wo 

iiLLER." 

:.,.  „..: ..  -. ,  „.,.iliing  like  novelty  in  the  shape  of  a  cry 

must  be  acknowledged  by  all  who  are  familiar  with  tJie  attempts  of 
Honourable  Members  lo  imitate  the  early  villa^'c,  and  other  varieties  of 
the  cock  tril>c,  as  well  os  the  more  congenial  bray  of  the  donkey,  and 
numerous  other  sounds  which  nolldng  thurt  of  collective  wisdom  has 
been  able  to  originate.  The  cry  of  Joe  Miixf.r  is  something  q^uilc  hew  ; 
but  since  the  House  of  Commons  has  taken  to  joking  iu  nght-duwn 
serious  earnest— and  there  is  nothing  half  so  serious  as  a  lcj5islBtivc  joke 
— we  mav  expect  the  words  Joe  Mlu^r  to  be  heard  contmasiLly  iu  the 
coun>e  of  the  debates,  during  the  ensuing  session. 


bets  the  vcuir 
have  rr-ferrrd 


YEOMANRY  CAVALRY   REVIEWED. 

PritaU  a»d   C<vi/!ikntu/l  S4pori    on   (Me   Co»tJiii<m  qf  tht   Cowhri^pe 
Volunieeri^  dy  Colonel  Inapeeior  Ptmcii  to  tk«  CoiuuJ>*s£A-2s-Ciiixr. 

0  Hx8  OnACB  F. 
M.theDukeop 
Wellington, 
Cotnwtander  -  im- 

C^^f,  4re,  4v. 

X  HAVE  the 
honour  to  trans- 
mit for  your 
Grace's  perusal. 
bv  thecommana 
of  your  firace, 
a  contidential  re- 
port of  the  stale 
m  repard  to  db- 
i';i'me,  and  re- 
I '-  iliy,  of  tbe 
t  owbridge  Yeo* 
maairy  utvalry, 
iusiiecLed  by 
m^  pursuant  to 
Ofders. 

Your  Grace  is 
aware  that  the 
Cowbridgc  Yeo- 
manry Cavalry  arc  irrefXiUr  horse,  that  is  to  say.  mounted  on  animals  of 
all  sorts  and  sizes,  which,  with  the  exception  of  a  few  ^hooting  ponies 
amongst  the  number,  do  not  stand  fire  with  qnite  so  much  sieaainess  as 
could  Be  desirrd. 

Of  the  behaviour  of  tbe  men  themselves  under  fire  I  cannot,  of  coitrsc, 

speak,  as  tJiev  have  as  yet  M>cn  no  actual  service  in  any  fii^d,  exccff  the 

'■-*inary  operations  of  nushandry.     Nor  can  1   form  any  canjeclnrt  on 

subject ;  for  the  probabUity  of  their  ever  being  called  up<^n  to  act — 

■ppt  in  the  sense  of  playing  the  part  of  soldiers — is,  in  my  opiaioB,  as 

remote  as  your  Grace  can  wi»ih. 

I  have  great  pleasure,  however,  in  tcstifyinj^  to  tbjw:  \\^tvw.\  cw«*^^»«^• 
under  water,  on  one  occasion  wWa  vW  •tojvw.'ctiN.  ^^ncJeRA*^'  ^^wSL 
Cowbridge.  covered  V\^  V\vcvt  rau\itt\i»*Aw^'^v^^^'B««^'*^'*^'='  ^-wa*- 


4 


4 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIirVARI. 


6» 


I 


CRUEL  CASE  OF  JEW-DROPPING. 

GMildhaU,  July  30. 
SQUmiCfl^  some  hard-bcurted  and  craeUv-disposed  person  has 
dropt  bet^'cen  the  Statues  of  Gog  aud  Magog,  GuildhoU,  a  Full-Growii 
Male  Infant  of  the  Jcvish  Persuasion,  svathcd  in  baiik-noU»,  and  in  ii 
basket,  bearing  a  direction  \rorded— "  To  the  Care  </  the  EUetort  vf 
LondoH,  to  be  kept  cUne  until  next  Seuion" — any  Ecvard  commcnaurato 
with  the  Cnielty  of  the  Deed  will  be  given  for  the  Apprehension  of  the 
O0ender,  who  is  suspectcU  to  be  a  Uttie,  wiry  mau.  frequeutiug 
Downing  Street  and  the  House  of  Conimons. 

PaJUrC01LB£,  Mayor. 


A  DONKEY  ON  BALLOONS. 

"  Mb,  PmccH, 

"  I  AX  a  public  jackass ;  in  a  word,  I  am  the  very  donkey 
that,  from  the  days  of  my  foalhood.  has  been  put  'up'  for  the  *  other 
twopence.'  I  know  wliat  it  is  to  oe  elevatea  above  the  world ;  and 
therefore  bcff  to  bo  heard— in  reply  to  Me.  •Nokton,  the  worthy 
magistrate  of  Ijambeth — on  his  unguarded  opinions  expressed  a  few 
days  aco  upon  the  meditated  ascent  from  Vauihall  of  a  hone,  belly- 
banded  to  a  balloon,  with  Mb.  Giubn  upon  the  horse's  back. 

"  M».  NoBTos  said,  '  a  wooden  or  hobby-hors«  would  serve  just  aa 
wcU/  By  no  means;  for  the  whole  fun  of  the  thing — the  whole 
interest  of  the  matter — is  in  the  chance  whether  the  hone  shall  not 
come  tumbling  from  the  sky  (with  the  balloon-man  upon  or  off  his 
back)  so  much  dog's-meat. 

"Why,  Mr.  PuHeA  did  the  people  drop  their  mouths  and  open  their 
eyes  witn  wonder  ana  exultation,  when  they  saw  me — (for  of  late,  the 
police  have  forbidden  my  professional  exertioaa;  and  I  am  now,  for  the 
benefit  of  my  health  and  the  exercise  of  young  ladies,  on  the  donkey- 
stand  at  Gravesend) — when  they  aaw  me.  I  say.  tied  helpless  to  a 
ladder;  and  that  Udoer  balanced  upon  the  coin  of  tne  man-monster  who 
thus  supported  me?  TVbj'.  the  whole  pleasure  was  in  the  thought 
that  I  mtyht  come  down  with  a  smash  upon  the  stones — tliat  I  might 
hreak  my  \ves,  or  my  neck ;  or  haply  tumbling  upon  my  perbccutor, 
break  hi$  neck  into  the  bargain. 

"Without  this  pleasant  stimulus,  do  you  think  tbat  even  an  en- 
lightened EnxUsbiniblic  would  have  clubbed  the  *  other  twopence '  to 
send  me  'upr  Why,  no.  But  the  monev  was  subacribed  (loo  often, 
1  shudder  at  the  thoughts  of  it,  too  quickly  subscribed)  in  the  fiendish 
hope  that  I  should  no  soouer  be  up  than  down. 

"It is  upon  the  some  principle  that  a  Imnuuic  and  thoughtful  people 
put  down  their  shilling  to  see  a  horse  carried  into  the  clouds.  It  is  tlie 
danger  to  the  poor  brute  that  is  the  intellectual  sauce  to  the  refined, 
the  money-givmg  Christian ! 

"  Afr.  pMfih,  I  have  often  thought  of  writing  my  Recollections  under 
the  title  of  Tke  Ladder  y/*  Life,  u  next  winter  I  can  keep  out  of  the 
hands  of  a  sandman,  or  any  other  such  low  dealer,  I  shall  have  time 
enough,  and  will  certainly  attempt  it.  Then  I  '11  let  the  world  know 
with  what  pity,  with  what  contempt,  an  elevated  jadcan  may  look 
down  upon  tnc  mob !  Then  will  I  describe  the  emotions  of  diaguat  and 
scorn,  sublimed  by  an  asinine  acnae  of  superiority  that  possessed  me ; 
whUst  from  the  liadder,  with  roeeklr-Aeeming  face,  but  with  an  out- 
raged and  burning  heart,  I,  the  four-legged  aas,  looked  down  upon  the 
biped  donkeva  beneath  me. 

^'  1  don't  Know  at  the  time  I  write  whether  il&.  Gkeek  will  go  into 
the  clouds  upon  horaeback  -,  but  if  he  docs,  I  know  what  I  *d  do,  if  I 
only  had  the  power ;  1  'd  make  him  for  his  pains  lake  Ids  next  trip  into 
the  sky  not  on  the  back  of  a  horse,  but  on  tne  back  of  a  porcupine. 

"  Your  obedient  servant, 

"  TWOPEKCB  MOBJS  ASD   UP  WEST  THB  DoSKXt. 

"  P.S.  As  1  write  this  on  a  Saturdav,  I  have  sent  it  imder  cover  to 
Lord  Kcssexl,  that— he  being  a  Minister — you  mav  pet  it  early 
ihroogb  him  on  Monday  morning.  Perhaps  ^ou  *ll  be  a  little  surorised 
at  the  elecancc  of  ray  literary  style.  1  feel  it  myself.  But  the  fact  is. 
all  the  liudsummcr  bolidays  I've  every  day  carried  Miss  Inpioo — 
A  Udy  who 's  drinking  our  milk  here  for  weskk  health,  and  who  haa  at 
this  minute  a  book  of  promising  poems  somewhere  in  the  press." 


THE  CITY  COMMITTEE'S  REPORT  OF 
SMITHFJELD   MARKET. 

That  SmithficM  Market  is  the  healthiest  spot  not  only  in  England, 
but  perhaps  in  the  whole  world.  It  is  a  welllcnowa  sanitary  fact  that 
slaughterhouses  arc  highly  conducive  to  health,  and  so  wcU  conrinccd 
are  medical  men  of  tneir  beneficial  effect  upon  invalids,  that  they 
alwiTB  send  their  must  delicate  patients  to  take  lodgings  in  the  ndgfa- 
bournood  of  the  market,  and  so  rapid  is  the  change  that  takes  place  in 
their  couBtitution,  tliat  ttiey  rarely  ever  see  them  again. 

lliat  SmithhelJ  Market,  far  from  bcin^  the  noisy  spot  it  is  malicionsly 
described  to  be,  is  distinguished  for  its  extreme  quiet.  There  is  a 
legal,  learned  stillness  in  the  air,  that  many  students  prefer  it  to  the 
Temple  Gardens,  or  any  of  the  Inns  of  Court.  It  Las  the  further 
aitvantagc,  too,  of  being  as  still  during  the  night  (w  during  the  day — so 
much  so,  that  the  nrpo»eof  the  above-mentioQed  invalids  is  rarely  dis- 
turbed after  the  first  week. 

That  the  cry  of  "  Mad  Bull "  is  always  an  occasion  of  great  sport  to 
the  street  in  which  it  is  raised,  more  especially  to  the  little  boys  who 
alwayft  join  in  it  with  the  greatest  glee  and  harmleaaDess. 

Tluit  the  ahopkcepers  rather  like  the  bulls  walking  into  their  shops 
than  otherwise,  ana  deckre  that  if  it  were  not  for  the  difficulty  of 
getting  them  out  aipiin,  they  decidedly  should  be  very  food  of  it. 

That  the  sensation  of  tossing  is  far  from  disagreeable;  and  that 
the  Committee  Imve  been  told  otthe  instance  of  an  old  man  who  lives 
at  a  public-house  in  Cow  Lane,  and  is  so  fond  of  tosiiing,  that  he  is 
always  ready  to  do  it  for  a  pint  of  beer,  or  even  less. 

That  very  few  accidents  occur  about  the  market,  and  when  they 
do,  it  is  invariably  the  fault  of  the  parties  who  are  injured  by  the 
accidenta,  and  not  of  the  poor  animals  who  commit  them. 

That  these  accident!*,  however,  are  rarely  fatal,  from  the  simple 
reason  that  those  who  escape  with  their  lives  from  the  Urst  accident, 
rarely  put  themselves  in  the  way  of  receiving  a  second. 

That  tho3c  bigoted  persons  who  i)ersist  in  asserting,  contrary  to  all 
evidence,  that  Suiithdeld  is  a  nuisance,  evidently  know  nothing  about 
it,  and  if  the  Market  were  to  be  held  to-morrow  in  the  Horticultural 
Gardens  at  Chis^tick,  they  would  still  maintain  that  the  place  was  not 
good  enough  for  them. 

That,  to  conclude,  Smithiield  Market  is,  if  an)ihing,  too  good 
for  the  purposes  required,  and  the  Committee  are  unanimoosly  of 
opinion  that  the  animus  ought  to  feel  themselves  proud  to  be  sold  in 
such  a  locality:  and  the  residents  in  the  neighbourhood  should  be 
too  thankful  to  the  City  for  having  brought  such  advantages,  not  only 
to  their  doors,  but  actually  within  tneir  shops,  and  occaaionaUy  carrying 
them  into  the  very  heart  of  their  back-parlours. 


THE  JEWISH  OATH  QUESTION  A  CENTURY  HENCE. 

{Frtw^  Po«t»itt's  UiiUrry  ^Snfftrnd.) 

The  singular  inconsistcncv  wliich  marked  the  conduct  of  our  ancestors 
during  a  |>eriod  which  has  deservedly  been  styled  the  Age  of  Humbug 
was  strikingly  exemplified,  just  a  century  ago,  in  the  course  of  the 
struggle  of  Baxon  RotH8Chiu)  to  obtain  possession  of  his  seat  in  the 
House  of  Commons.  The  opponents  to  the  Jewish  claim  to  participate 
in  the  licgislature  first  resisted  the  demand  of  the  Boron  to  be  sworn 
on  the  Old  Testament.  Defeated  on  this  point,  they  next  ob}eoted  to 
his  omission,  from  the  prescribed  adjuration,  of  the  words  "  On  the  true 
faith  of  a  Cluistian."  They  tlius  refused  to  recognise  the  validity  of  an 
oath  unaccomnauied  bv  the  profession  of  a  creed  which,  if  plain  gospel  is 
its  exponent,  lorbids  all  oaths  whatever;  they  disallowed  a  renuesttobe 
sworn  on  the  book  which  alone  contained  their  own  juslincation  of 
swearing :  and  required  as  essential  to  the  juratory  act  that  it  should  be 
performed  on  that  very  volume  which  seems  expreaaly  to  prohibit  it. 


Oonversationa  of  Lord  Brougham. 

A  UTTLE  Dook  witli  the  abore  taking  title  will  shortly  be  pablished. 
It  will  consist  of  the  conversations  held  b^  Loild  BnoDCUAM  m  the 
House  of  Lords,  cither  on  presenting  petitions,  or  whilst  the  debates 
are  going  on.  It  is  expected  not  to  exceed  18  volumes,  uniform  in  size 
with  the  **  Conversations  of  Loan  Btiu>n."  The  annoimcemcnt  has 
caused  an  unusual  excitement  amongst  the  butter-trade. 


'BJDDLE  rOH  LOAD  ASUI^T. 


Q.  Wht  is  the  condition  of  a  medical  man  without  patients  like  thmt 
of  a  Sabbatarian  eating  a  hot  dinner  on  a  Sunday  ? 
J.  Because  it  is  Profession  without  Practice. 


"  PaiMTS  OP  A  East  Coloub,  Wakraxtko  to  Waan." — Some  wag 
at  the  Vauxholl  Hasqueiade  pinned  the  above  label  on  the  back  of  the 
Nepaulese  Prince. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


PftKiQf  (to  CftftklkOtAOUltA).      **  PftAVj   StK,  WlLt   100    ht  BO  000l»    n  TO  TkLL  ME 
WUkTUEa   TUU    ARC  A    M&MBXn  OF  TUK  UpdVAftftlTT,  OR  A    SCOTCH  TulitlBItt" 


THE  SIBTHORP  CABINET. 


11- 

of  Dub 
I  wo  mi 
Lord  llAj'ur. 

to  "anv  fj(M 

il  rl      (■■  '   . 
til 


rH^j>nfRHn?qnf*fVin  *'Whni^  iherp  to  *tncco6d  the 

'.*s   n;^  tn 

farop,  or 

.^'■id  AlMiPor 

L  :'?^.    the    Irish 

iiV    CoLCiN' 

as  \t\,\T\.  would  (iiily  pi'  .  ■!   I    ' 
I*  to  Irish  aiT:iirs,  m  mi  ;-  i    i  i 
J  Uul"    Wiihout  a  moi 

liun.  tbecaiiaut  Treinier  oi  posne  nishcd  :; 

of  the  House,  and  was  cngnced  for  a  f- 

earnest  conversation  with  Mr   Ri 

chcfiHi  And  Iniuhler  of  all  pnrlies. 

tin*   'I--  '■ :-'-i-'-  ■-'■  ''■-  '  -  ■,'■  -■ 

r, 

of  itie  Biirtli  and  ' 

60  vehenuntly  di?, 

ofiniasiire  that  wuiiUI  be  bnu 

un.nt  as  tliat  of  which  Corns r 

lliu  heatl,  luid  we  arc  siure  thiil  ..  ..  ,..  ■  ■•■.  v...  > .  .=  ; 

would  be  one  fur  dpnouiidnf,  amiihtiatin?,  and   iit 

piiLtuig  RU  eud  to  what  the  ^.dlaiit   I'lemicr  M-oiild 

that  "moasiroua  piece  of  huiubug,  the  Eiihibition 

1851."    Hoir  far  tlib  well-known  opinions  of  the  new 

Premier  may  affect   the   nmountof  '' ' —       '^ftB 

MAJBsrr  is  likeljr  to  repobe  iu  Uiii  .  to 

oonjeolure.    Wo  suapect,  however,  tU.  _„  .... ^  a» 

the  oceudion  of  hia  takintf  office  will  not  be  a  rei^  pieuanl 
oporation  to  the  Sovereign. 


PiBLlAJiKNTAKlf   DoVES.— AlWUSt  15  Ulf 

Members  begm  to  "'^r,*'  and  uv  off  to  i 
the  oountry.    There  is  al&u  more    '  biUing 
maath  of  Aui^ist  tli&n  any  other. 


.n, 


HUDSON  TAKES  A  STEP  FOHWAltD. 

TttE  Orace-Dlgpir  in  Harnkt  was  TVout  to  wear  some  dozen  leseudary 
ooaU:  iu  f^t,  he  wuii  all  coat^i,  like  au  ouiuu.  lid  iL}od  to  (ako  theiu 
off*,  shout  increasing  upon  shout  at  every  removal,  However,  tlie 
business  of  the  scene  never  permitted  him  to  put  the  j^nneuts  on  a.^aiu : 
he  made  his  e\it  peeled  and  slim.  It  is  otherwise  with  thi'  uneiNiimicd 
HuMoN.  Uis  coats,  ouc  by  ouo,  hate  been  pluokcd  from  him  ;  he  has 
been  shown  pretty  wf:ll  h.irt' t  Ijui  it  ,.r.r.,-.r>.  tiutre  is  a  ehauce  that  he 
may  be  a^^iiu  coated — white.'.  rorknhire  dttzHte  declares 

Lbat  Mb.  Uudsom  Iibs  relean  ,J  and  hands — very  ^acc- 

tuUy  from  tbo  piUory  in  viudi,  uu  a  laic  trial,   SKBJEAJfx  YViiJUifS 
Ax«d  bijn. 


Mk.   I! 

wiU  ! 


•  \U  a  A/.J/,i,... 
Virlc  ftt  tliu    ' 


Jirrf. 


r.  rtt 
iiiiin  ta 


imt!  when  Mu.  Hcdso^s's  reputation 
rlnl  and  consriencc- 
■  0;i|p,  fn  presetif  to 

;i  an 


Then  will  the  achons  of  Ht'DSoy— 


the  j'Mt. 


Smell  iweet,  tod  blutaom  !□  Uio  duBt" — 

even  iu  the  gold-dust  of  fhe  railway  unfortunate.  For  Mr.  Hudson 
Hitt  Itdff  oat  "guoil  step  fonvard  — not  tlie  step  of  St.  Denis,  cer- 
tutely,  for  that  w«  without  his  houd,  whiob  Mk  Uudson.  in  his  untb- 
■fllio*  never  lost;  wh»1ever  other  orp»H  »»■'«  ii-rii.,Viit  in  f,  ,:  cash-book 

mfkms*    We  bavr.  iipou  Ibo  whole-^  li'  --iKf , 

liiL  fivMoii  will  turn  up  like  the  fihiei  i  nod  from 

every  speck  of  Talmr  debt.  The  Iron  Crowu  wiU  duly  tt^^^'t^n  itfain. 
If 'Hme  denies  and  ru&ts,  Time  has  also  soouring  pai)cr,  if  the  adroit 
will  use  it. 


^'Tbe  ZTAcllne  of  XSogT&iid.'* 

T/)Hi>  Br'hiuham  t«ll9  as  tbtt  "an  absolute  prostration  of  tbo  under- 

in  tills  counlry,  even  amongst  the  bravot  men, 

-irtrtf '  ii  i»eu(ioncd.'*     We  were  not  Rwireof  this 

^■^......^  ..^  ,  ^  ...„  ^auHjiKltabuudcrslaodiiurdoes  become  "pro^tnife" 

ou  ouoh  occosiuus,  we  caaaafely  answer  it  can  be  only  uuiongal "  the  flalA." 


PANORAMA  OP  THE  BRITISH  CONSTITUTIOH, 

FAKnaiu^a  are  the  fashion — ^LoRn  JotfK  Riis^KtL.  with  the  wisdom 
of  a  VVhiar,  proposes  fc6  avad  himself  of  the  mode ;  ann  Hmin.:  tlir  rerraj 
to  supcrintrjid  a  very  movin^e  disphiy  of  liis  ont-  <ci 

produoed  on  the  fltwr  of  the  House,  on  ail  ocon-  ^|| 

Constitution,  with  the  very  best  Wliig  designs 
with  the  Death  of  Cii\RLKS  tuh  Fiiist  at  b' 
view  of  the  Dealli-bedof  the  King;  wheuliehr 
ImiII  to  CHA.RLES  THE  SEroND,  who  thcrcujuon,  amidst  the 
of  u  doatinff  people,  ascends  the  Throne.    The  old  **MpeH' ' 
ftxi.stt»ice  of  Cromwki.i,  will  be  treated  at 
of  tho  Commonwealth  in  the  New  Himse? 

ifl:  R  mvth,  in  which  a  brief  popular  effc  . 

per&ouiOed.  by  superhlitJous  hibioriaus  \\>  [- 

lion  to  a  head.    The  Panorama  will  ir  e 

Second,  the  Battle  of  the  tioyne,  llie  accesiiioj.i  r, 

and  an  on;  the  whole  to  eonelude  with  the  !  ...q 

John  Russkll  amid  a  shower  of  lireworka;  wnu  a  oruiwni  tu^jpiajr  gf 
coloured  lamps  in  the  word — "  Fikalitt." 


"Bngland  £xpecta  Every  SUHop  to  tjje  hiaDuty.** 

Tnls  Si  (h*  imjvrorrd  sisrnal  rwfmtly  flimsr  out  by  tlie  improc^i  LcSO 
Nelson  at  i'  ■  -  that  ended  in  a  strong  ind  ftwa 

resolution,  n:  in  nothinif    Uird  Neijbok  oc^tofi 

that  the  btsh.,. s:>,n j  (rtr*'"""'--"   ■■-' -I'Tf     "  »«  .— *,TTn 

to  Ihe  early  iK)verty  of  the  CInirch  !  "     S  :  It4 

erofotmd  innoctnc*  of  his  BOul,  reipftted  .1!         .       i    i  p,  i-.w 

ishopa  prcseftt."  

MONSTUUM   UOIlE£NDUM. 

It  is  reported  in  the  Paris  iiamts  that  the  Mountain  intends  coming 
to  visit  the  French  refugees  m  J^nxland,  for  the  very  op]>osite  reason 
that  iullueuced  the  proceediiiga  of  Mauhmrt,  who  went  to  the  mountain 
be^^auM*.  it  couldn't  ciimetohim;  biif  \  iring  to  start  £or£^laa(^ 

because  the  refugees  cannot  go  to  t !  u. 


to  CORRSSPOSDSFffS, 
a  C.  p.— WriKi. 


PUNCH.   OR  THE   LONDON   CHARIVARI 


A     BIT     OF     MV     MIND. 


BIT  THE  SIXTEENTH. 
MM,  «OC«R  "COOM"  ITEJl  PASSPr.BT  in  OOOKU  TO  JOIX  M0U5XR.. 

AX  msxrtcm>  aiuutal  czllts  skil  DipAATca^ 


Y  my  lait    Icttor, 
Jifr.    Punch,     v<iu 


;n 


la^  lo  ruii  to  iny 
wardrobe  and  my 
dr*w<rrs,  deter- 
mined to  pacV  up, 
and  go  to  Paris, 
or  Brussels— for  I 
WHS,  us  every  wife 
would  be,  iu  such 
a  state  of  almost 
frcii/y  at  Ma. 
MousER'a  letter, 
—I  haduH  for  the 
minute  presence 
of  iniud  to  deter- 
mine which. 

A»  I  say.  there 

T    wn-*    witli    my 

i  open, 

. ..!  .!.i    Ay  draw- 

<■:"-   1  ullc.l  out  — 

n.:n!  ;iiv  eye  UpOIl 
itii  lnniiit'ts  —  not 
ku'iwiniJ:         how 

many  gowns  to  take,  and  uncertain  in  my  mind  whether  to  go  in  fuU 
dress,  or  only  to  travel  quite  a  frit^ht,  the  more  to  puni&ti  Mousek. 

here,  as  I  observe,  I  stood,  quite  bewildered,  with  MotT<;RR's  letter, 
and  \vit!i  all  my  jrowiis  eoiua  through  my  bead,  aiid  not  i  i  ' '    (o 

fix— tliou^h  I  rather  inrlined  to  take  'em  all,  so  tlial  wl.  I 

n,i>-l.t  .-..nMr  Me,,  f.^iHow— for,  after  uH^assittiug  down  ;o.  u  iM.i.uic, 
I  11,  it's  {Kwr  apito  to  make  oue's-scU  suffer  for 

ti.  I  unhand. 

There  I  wa&,  ruuimagiug  about,  when  what  should  turn  uu  among  my 
things,  but  that  scandmoua  passport,  of  the  wickedness  oi  w hich  you 
already  know  all  concernini;!  In  a  minuf*— would  you  believe  it?  1 
iftis  us  cold  as  a  stone.  If  it  Imd  been  »  viper,  or  a  rat  Lle-suake,  aniouK 
mv  (liinL-.  I  do  believe  I  couldn't  have  shuddered  more!  Go  to  Pans 
^\  alt  about  mc,  \  wouldn't^   and  then — screwing  myself  up, 

hi.  rench  to  my  feelings  whirh  is  bMter  felt  than  described, 

aud  ijdim;;  my  bed-room  door  al-  lli-  '  .  -—for  you.  Sir,  who  know 

evCTilhing.  know  how  much  safer  i  ones  omotiona  with  a 

door  locked— 1  looked  once  more  ut,  ;...  ,..wr.,,.irt. 

\X  was  a  ejTG-xi  thought !  It  flashed  upon  mc  like  a  July  sunbeam !  I 
may  aay.  I  felt  inspired  with  the  notion.    AuJ  it  was  this. 

The  French  Ainbassador  —  and  like  his  impudence!  —  had,  after 
"  Jp/e  "  put  the  fiipure  of  5 — (and  they  call  llicmsclvcs  a  grallant  nation) 
-!-with  another  figure  following,  which  1  don't  and  needn't  mention. 
Tes,  Sir :  aud  now  I  've  got  over  the  brutal  affront,  and  can  look  down 
Upon  it,  I  don't  mind  repeating  the  first  fijfurc.     It  was  fi.  Sir— 5! 

Jt'sdoneiua  minute,  I  thought  to  myself;  so,  taking  (v  ))cnknire 
pon-and-iuk,  with  the  least  little  scratch  in  life,  and  with  the 
nDallc^t  twist  of  the  peo.  the  5  stood  3. 

If  put  upon  his  oatn,  the  Ambassador  himself  couldn't  bare  sworn 
Ihat  tt  wa^n  *t  his  own  3 ! 

Not  that  for  myself,  I  cared  a  straw  about  it.  The  Ambassador 
might  have  writteu  »  6,  or  7,  as  well  as  5,  Cand,  by  the  way,  one  would 
have  been  quite  as  likely  as  the  other — ^uite)  only  it  was  tne  laugli— I 
oan  fancy  it  as  well  as  if  it  were  ringioff  ui  my  cars  this  very  minute — 
the  unfeeling  laugh  that  Mocser  would  have  had  of  me.  Now  with 
the  3, 1  felt  more  as  1  ou^t  to  do :  altontbor  more  oOLDfortahb  and  sore. 

Well,  Mr.  Punch,  a  lilUe  more  myself  I  'd  run  the  gowns  through  my 
head,  and  had  determined  upon  my  boxes— (how,  like  a  pigeon,  thou^t 
I  to  myself,  I  shall  drop  down  upon  Modreh  whcu  he 's  never  cxpcctmg 
me !)— when,  a  knock -knock -knock  cajne  at  the  door  that  went  ttLrough 
trcry  artery  of  my  body. 

I  can't  say  how  it  is  with  other  people,  but  willi  me  there 's  a  some- 
thinsr  in  the  street-door  knocker  tliat  never  deceives  me.  Sometimes  I 
fcfl  it.  Oi  if  it  wiis  a  bit  of  myself. 

Well.  I  looked  out  of  the  window^  and  there  were  two  cabs  at  the 
door,  with  luggage  on  the  roof.  With  the  eye  of  a  hawk  I  looked  for 
Mooaftk'ft  carpt^t-ba? ;  but  there  was  nothing  that  belonged  to  Mocseh. 
ThpOf  rvmembering  the  cap  I  d  on,  I  drew  uiy  head  in. 

Marro,  .Marm,^'  cried  SuaiM  in  a  minut«,  rattling  at  the  door, 

here  s  a  lot  of  French  omoers  with  their  wives,  aim  I  don't  know 


what ;  and  one  Frenchman— as  well  as  I  can  make  him  out — with  a  lot 
of  silver  on  his  shoulders,  ^ays  he  must  see  you  !  " 

"  It  can't  be  the  Ambassador,"  I  thought  to  myself,  "oowo  lo 
apologise/' 

"  They  're  briofring  in  all  their  laggom,  Marm,"  said  Sdsaj*.—  ^ 

"Then  SifSAJf,"  said  1,  feelitig  mvo-'if  rnm.,1  and  using  a  aoying  of 
dear  aunt  Pkjicock's — "then  I^  ac  liundcrbolt." 

Before  a  Bird  of  Paradise  could  pu:  .  s  straight,  1  was  in  my 

iilum-coloured  silk,  and  rustling  my  way  inU  Uie  parlour.     When  I  got 

Would  you  think  it  i*  Five  Frenchmen,  with  their  thrcn  wives,  artd 
four  children.  They  all  bowed,  and  curtsied,  and  beeecd  to  enihrncc 
me.  At  last,  putting  the  ilnuiiL^-t:d)lr  b(tv\(;fii  us— (Id  sent,  hurried 
as  I  was,  sent  for  Mrs    !  si>eak3  French  better 

than  1) — I  be«ged  to  ti  on  somehow  with  my 

fingers,  what  they  did  me  ihc  Uuuoui  lo  want.  Whereupon,  one  of  the 
Frenchmen,  a  pnvate  National  Guard,  as  I  now  know,  witli  his  hand 
\ipon  hi<v  heart,  and  Ins  eves  upon  the  ceOiilg,  gave  me  a  letter.  The 
tuLud-iriitiug  shut  riffht  throuf^h  me;  for  at  a  ghincc  I  knew  it  was 
Mouskh's.     And  this  it  was  :— 

•'.>/y  d^in-st  Amelia.  "  P*^*  ^^ *'  ■^''™  IneotuoUtbl^. 

"  Thf  cab  is  alihe  il-"..-r  thjf  i»  to  take  ow  to  the  train  io  BrtuwU, 
Hoteerer,  f  must  aaatch  a  '  ^  to  tend  you  tkix  Utter  l/jf  ike  Hand 

iif  MoNS.  MlGSONrrrR,  j  ■  i^c,  a  aear  HtC/e  u^oman  " — 

(She  was  drest  in  retl  aud  iinibcr  like  ft  baUooo.  aud  had  already  dropfc 
in  my  chair,  us  if  ihc  house  belonged  to  her  I    However,  to  go  on.) 

.,/  little  utomnn,  wko  iuM  been  wy,  cm  dtil  indeed  to  me.  a  ttra/iffer 
and  aforeiffner  m  tkil  iceariiome  city,  lloai.  MignoK£tte  it  a  totdier^ 
and,  teith  some  tkomand  o/'  kit  eonntrfmen^  propoaa  to  cisit  Lond<m — to 
make  a  fraternal  titit,  fott,  mp  love,  at  a  true  dUxnghter  of  JouN  BOLL, 
as  it  is  tNjf  boast  to  know  jfou,  tDtU  I  am  **rrc,  hold  forth  tne  nght  hand  c^ 
fellowship  and  tkrotc  oprn  pour  •'  V  true  spirit  o^'  Enylish  koipt* 

(alitp.    I  need  sap  no  more.    M  <iNON£TrE  w\U  tell  von  kotp  I 

hace  huffed  to  return ;  and  I  if -  niaJt^  jfOH  satile  at  the  expenae 

qf  your  foolish  honu-siek  husband  She  is  suck  a  timid  creature — too  full 
of  sen.iibiltlp  to  *mstffffie — or  I  tponld  hace  troubled  her  to  bring  a  veiffor 
yott.  Bttt,  mp  looe,  this  pleasure  I  reserre  for  mpnelf ;  and  icaiiiMff  thai 
deliifht,  I  am,  "  jg  fper,  foitr  own  Affectionate  Husband, 

"J0H3(   MODSKH." 

P.S.  I  shail  tte  very  unhappy  and  very  gaffrp  if  I  doift  find  a  letter 
from  mp  Am£UA,  at  the  Post-Offire,  Bnuatti. 

Well,  by  the  time  I  had  read  this,  NtADaMB  Miononetti  had  thrown 
off  her  shftwl  and  bonnet,  bad  taken  off  her  three  children's  things; 
whilst  all  the  otiier  Freuchuicu  and  their  two  wives  had  done  the  same, 
and  more  than  that,  in  a  minute,  Madamb  Mionosettk  jumped  up  and 
ckppiupc  her  hands,  aud  frisking  upon  her  toes,  declared  ihatMousEE — 
for  though  1  don't  speak  Fn:ncii.  1  cau  understand  every  word  that  *8 
said— that  Mouaxu  was  a  "  charming  man,"  and  "  an  angel,"  and  1  don't 
know  What  besides — i|uite  enough  to  make  a  wife's  blood  boil ;  however 
I  only  smiled,  as  I  can  smile  when  I  choose,  and  with  a  curtsey  left  the 
room,  for  I  heard  Mbs.  Hoiu«bu>wer. 

My  first  determination,  as  I  told  her,  was  to  make  an  apology  to  the 
Mignonettes,  and  to  tell  'em  I  was  gomg  to  France;  but  Mks.  IIorx- 
BLOWEE — (poor  thing!  she  has  her  own  troubles!) — a  little  over-ruled 
me ;  and  went  to  the  parlour. 

"I  suppose.  Marm,  said  Scsan,  looking  at  me  like  a  ghost,"  I  sup- 
pose, Marm,  they  won't  want  any  dinner  ? ' 

Dinner !  And  no  doubt  MousEtt  thinks  that  out  of  my  weekly  money. 
I  am  to  lodge  and  board  all  the  National  Guards,  besides  all  the  national 
wives  and  national  children  of  Paris.  "  Dinnrr/'  said  I,  *'  why  it 's 
impossible !     How  can  so  many  people  think  of  dinnrr." 

And  aftern  little  while  Mrs  HoasBUiWEncame  back,  and— I'afteral!, 
she*.'!  a  clever  creature!) — and  said  that  as  Mouskr  was  taking  his  pleasure 
in  Brussels,  why  shotUdn't  I  enjoy  myself  in  London  ?  She  aaid  that. 
when  you  know  her,  Madame  Miosonbtte  was  really  a  delightful 
woman  •  and  that  her  brother,  Mons.  La  Nose  (the  handsome  to  man 
— an  officer  with  silver  epaulets)  quite  a  specimen  of  the  gcntlemon. 

To  be  short,  after  a  struggle,  I  thought  it  best  to  get  an  early  dinner, 
and  Iheu — ils  Mousbr  was  enjoying  himself,  and  as  it  was  only  right  I 
should  show  myself  a  hospitaole  Englishwoman^— go  and  take  the 
French  to  see  the  hippoi>otannis.    Which  determining, 

I  am  your's,  in  better  spirits.  Amelia  Mut  ses. 

P,S.  Mm,  HoBlTBUJWER  has  dcsirod  rae— for  something  Hoa»- 
BuiivEft  has  said,  must  be  annoying  hereto  ask  you,  Mr.  Punch,  if  a 
marriage  can  be  a  lairful  bindmg  marriage  for  life,  if  the  ceremony's 
gone  through  by  onlv  one  clergyuuuif'  Mas.  H.  (sue  is  so  nervous!) 
4ays  she  bos  her  douota ;  or  whv  should  we  now  sec  so  often  thai  folks 
are  marriod  "  by  the  Kev.  Ma.  Mattuew,"  assisted  by  the  "  Iltv.  Ms. 
LuKB?"  Wliat,  in  the  holy  state,  is  meant  by  assistance?  Are 
people  harder  to  be  brought  together  in  high  life  Inan  common  folk& 
that  it  is  npccssjir>-  lo  have  two  clprgynicn  to  bind  *em.  For  my  part 
— na  1  tell  Maa.  Hoenjilowk&— with  regard  to  the  marriiv^.  ciVussk^^^ 
needn't  have  any  doubu ;  for  I  'm  suit  q^  \V,  'sofc  «2«x'o:tMCfc.  ^ws^ 
strike  the  rivets  quit«  aa  ^xui  ^  ^^  ■ 


I 


b^ 


^^^.  V- 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


HE  SAT  LIKE  PATIENCE  OK  A  UOSJSVSSST. 


••IP   TUKUt   UM    A.SY     lUPATlKNCB    IH    THE    C0URT8    OF    CbaWCERT,    WK 
WILL   SKT    TUO»K   CoURTd     Till     WI»E    AHD   JVVX     VXAUPLE    OP    'PATIKDCe.' 

•   •   •  W*  SBT  JL»  lucAUi'UC  or  pATie»c&."— U^utc  of  Lords,  AuffU4tZ, 


I 


BARON  ROTHSCHILD  ON  A  WHEELBARROW. 

Maktin  Luther  says  of  the  Jews— "They  sit  as  oo  a  wheelbarrow, 
without  a  country,  a  people,  or  government."  This  was  said  tliree 
biLodred  and  fifty  years  ago ;  and  the  Jew  is  on  the  wheelbarrow  stilL 
At  this  moment  be  sita  at  the  steps  of  the  House  of  Commons.  True 
is  it,  be  has  been  pronilsed  restj  has  been  wheeled  hither  and  thither; 
but  as  yet  he  has  not  been  shot  mto  a  lixed  scat.  He  is  still— unhappv 
moveable! — squat  and  expectant  on  liis  barrow  j  still  may  he  not  stretch 
his  legs  and.  taking  lii^  eaac.  sit  down. 

Since  Feoniary  nas  the  wheelbarrow  of  RoTiisciilui — with  Roths- 
OBiU)  unit — stopl  the  way.  And  Rothschild,  meek  as  one  of  Herod's 
babies,  looked  for  bis  friend  and  compeer,  the  Christian  Ixjan  John,  to 
wheel  hitn  into  the  House  of  Coinniou^,  and  hand  him  into  Ids  seat. 
Months  and  montlis  passed  on  ;  and  ItutusCHiLD,  still  upon  his  barrow 
— 4ike  a  Clialdean  Shepherd,  enquiringly,  yet  patiently,  tried  to  read  his 
fortune  in  the  stara.  And  still  lioTiiBcuiij]  sat  upon  the  barrow ;  and 
still  no  KussELL  came. 

But  paticDce— even  Hebrew  patience — waxed  warm;  and  RomscinLD 
cried  out  with  a  loud  voice  from  his  barrow — "  Hoy !  HalIcK) !  Here,  ye 
knowing  ones  of  the  City !  See  that,  as  Lonx>  John  fails  to  take  me 
ap — sec  that  I  am  straightway  wheeled  into  the  Pnriiiunenl  House,  that 
I  may  pet  off  this  accursed  barrow,  and,  like  a  geutleman  of  the  Hebrew 
pcrsniisioD,  sit  dowu." 

Whereupon,  Rothschild,  on  h»  barrow,  was  straightway  wheeled 
into  the  Uousc  of  Commons,  and  straightway — wheetetTout  again ! 

And  then  Christian  geullemen  delivered  themselves  of  thoughts,  pro- 


found and  various,  of  the  qualities  of  a  House  of  Commons  oUth. 
What  was  the  breadth  of  a  vow— the  depth  of  a  vow?  And  there  w»» 
vast  learning,  curious  subtlety,  manifested  as  regarded  vows.  Tbet« 
were  intellectiud  Magi,  who  would  wei^h  you  the  precise  weight  of  a 
TOW,  even  to  a  scrapie.  Koral  geometricians  who  would  give  jron  the 
superficial  inches  ofa  row,  even  refining  to  a  lino. 

And  RoTBsouiU),  seated  upon  his  narrow,  said  to  himself — **  Of  a 
verity,  here  arc  Christian  gentlemen  dealing  with  an  oatb,  erco  ta 
certain  of  the  fidlen  of  my  race  in  the  Minones,  in  Houndsditch,  or  in 
Field-Lane,  have  dcjilt  with  pewter  shillings  and  brass  soTcreigBs; 
silvering  and  gilding  with  an  outside  show,  to  make  the  counterfeit  pass 
for  the  Inie  thinj^.  On  the  faith  of  a  Hebrew,"— said  Rothschild  on 
the  barrow — "  this  is  a  mi;laacholy  matter." 

Nevertheless,  it  must  have  be^  a  balsamic  comfort  to  RoTH8CRn.i\ 
still  on  his  barrow,  to  know  that  Lobd  John  Hussell  talked  so  sweetly 
of  the  British  Constitution ;  proving  it  to  l>e  good  andt-ufficicnt  for  sU 
men  in  all  cases,  "Fling  a  man  into  the  Thames,"  said  Loiu>  Jonv, 
with  his  eye  upon  his  red  box,  '*  snd  if  he  devoutly  believes  in  the 
British  Constitution,  he  will  not  sink !  If  your  house  is  in  flames,  only 
rmd  Magna  Charta,  with  a  believing  faith,  and  there  will  be  no  need  « 
a  fire-engine — for  of  itself  the  confl^ration  \nll  go  out.  I  boldly  avow, 
Sir," — said  I/Ord  John — "that  the  Act  of  Settlement,  properly  applied, 
is  a  specific  for  the  tooth-ache — and.  vrith  respect  to  the  case  of  Baaow 
Rothschild,  that  an  operative  faith  in  the  necessity  of  the  Whigs  will 
fully  meet  every  condition  of  the  question.  I  shall  not  shrink  from  my 
duty  at  the  proper  time ;  and  most  certainly  not  because  odium  may  be 
sitl-ached  to  it;  for  I  am  not  backward  to  confess,  that  I  rather  admire 
odium.  Like  a  pickle,  a  little  odium  gives  sest  and  flavour  to  minis- 
terial life.  Odium,  Sir,  I  consider  as  the  pungent  onion  to  -the  official 
loaves — the  sov,  anchovy,  and  cayenne  to  tlie  Cabinet  fishes." 

Meanwhflc  ^arun  KoTHsriirLO  still  sat  upon  his  barrow ;  and  friends 
gathered  about  him,  and  told  him  that  as  there  was  no  help  for  him  from 
Lord  John,— there  ho  must  still  sit.  Which  KornscniLD  migfitHy 
lamented ;  because  in  liiin  were  the  hopes,  the  amended  prospects  w 
Young  Israel !  For  wlifrcas,  hard-bosomed  man  had  flung  it  in  the 
teeth  of  the  Hebrew  that,  as  with  a  foul  instinct  he  had  sought  to  fill 
the  dirtiest  offices  of  life— that  he  had  rcioiced  in  the  most  noisomt 
caUinga— and  at  the  great  Rag-Fair  of  Trick,  and  L'siir)-,  and  Chicane- 
had  ever  pitched  his  Marine  Store  Booth  to  turn  the  nasty  penny— 
whereasi  such  reproaches  had  been  made,  and  the  Baron  lamenting 
them,  hoped  that  with  his  removal  from  the  barrow,  the  people  wouls 
find  a  resting<plaoe,  and  thereupon  eschew  fool  cmplo)'ments,  and  pal.' 
down  the  Booth  of  Dirty  Pennies,- whereas  the  Baron  hungered  foi 
tliis  goodly  day,  and  tht;  dav  bv  Lord  Johk  was  deferred,  the  Bwon 
was  righlnilly  wrath  with  his  Guildliall  companion,  and  crisd,  **  WoB  ia 
me  !  that  I  must  still  sit  upon  the  barrow  ! 

And  biGLis  and  Newdegatk,  nnd  also  Spcioneu,  laid  tiieir  headp 
together;  and  sTS'ore  tliat,  with  their  consent,  Raboti  RoruscnrLt 
should  never  leave  the  wheelbarrow,  "A  wheelbarrow  was  the  dcstinj 
of  bini  and  his  people ;  and  the  Baron  shoidd  never  come  down 
from  it." 

1  hereupon,  some  one  said,  it  would  be  a  good  thing  if  the  wboelbanow 
could  be  straightway  wheeled  to  Jerusalem,  and  then  and  there  emptied. 
And  another  clani>ea  his  hands,  and  took  nis  hat,  and  said  he  would 
iriatantiv  go  to  £xeter  HaU,  and  therefrom  issue  a  Proclamation,  calling 
upon  all  men  to  gather  together,  and  not  to  remove  the  Jew  from  tho 
wfieelbarrow,  but  to  remove  tho  wheelbarrow  itself  with  the  Jew 
upon  it ! 

But  this  may  not  be.  No.  Rothschild  must  come  off  the  wheel 
harrow.  Rothschild  must  take  his  scat  in  the  House  of  Commons. 
The  Marine  Store  Booth  shall  be  struck ;  and  Young  Israel,  freed  from 
liis  civil  disabilities,  i^ill  also  be  freed  from  his  nnscemly  yearmngi. 
Yes:  with  Young  Isnicl  represented  in  Pariiamcnt,  will  not  Yoniur 
IsrarJ  he  a  gentle,  urbane,  and  most  conscientious  presence  in  the  City? 

For  the  present,  however,  the  Baron  De  Rothschild— (let  liim  tbsck 
the  Prime  Minister  for  it,)  must  remain  where  ho  is;  and,  peiiispi,  in 
1851,  Lord  John  Russell  will  then  stretch  forth  hia  statesman  Dsnd 
to  help  the  Jew  off  the  wheelbarrow. 


A  Poet's  Idea  of  the  Subnaarine  Telegraph. 

Oke  of  otir  poets,  who  has  been  rather  alack  of  work  latclv,  and 
whose  eye  has  been  rolling  in  a  fine  frenzy  to  verv  little  purpose  for  the 
last  fortnight,  has  fumishod  us  with  an  idea  on  the  subject  of  the  sub- 
marine telegraph.  He  says  ''itis  like  usinf  the  lightning  conductor 
for  a  steel  pen.  and  the  ocean  for  an  ink -stand."  He  might  have  added, 
that  the  cliffs  furnish  the  blotting  pad,  the  shore  supplies  the  sand,  and 
the  whole  worid  the  sheet  of  paper  to  write  upon. 


THE  TRtrra  WILL  OtTT. 


A  Sabbataruw  bringrequestcd  a  day  or  two  since  to  do  what  be 
e-opened  for  Simday  deUvery  of  lettoiL 
I  have  questioned  my  conscience,  ana  I 


could  to  get  the  PoBt43ffice  re-opened  for  Simday  deUvery  of  let 
made  the  following  reply :    "  '  ' 
really  find  I  cant.** 


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J 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


ELECTIVE  AIVD  COLLECTIVE  WISDOM. 

We  Cftu  MArocly  be  surnrised  at  the  ftoroewhat 
inferior  (luality  of  tbe  oollcclive  wiedoni.  when  wc 
find  the  plcclivc  wisdom  to  consist  of  such  materials 
as  the  Laiut>otti  conslitueacy  has  just  friveo  us  a 
aamnle  of.  In  looking  orer  the  report  nf  the  pro- 
ceeuiu^  Rt  the  uomiiiation  that  lias  lately  Uuen 
place,  wc  scarcely  know  whicJi  to  hold  in  greater 
cunlcmpt — the  speedies  addressed  to  the  electors, 
or  the  remarks  tuey  elicited  :  wc  arc  really  unable 
to  decide  which  is  the  greater  trash,  the  poorer 
•tuff,  the  more  do\raright  rubhish— the  text  or  tbe 
comment. 

The  Grst  step  in  tbo  way  of  appeal  to  tbe  un- 
derstanding ot  the  constituency,  was  the  hoist  ioR 
of  A  great  flaunting  Union  Jack,  and  the  tirst 
argument  ou  the  side  of  the  electors  was  a  volley 
of  abuse,  under  which  the  Union  Jack  was  hurried 
out  of  sight  asrain.  We  pass  over  the  speech  pro- 
posing the  successful  candidate,  for  nothing  was.  in 
fact,  said,  and  uotbinc  be4?omes  positive  wisdom  in  comparison  with  what 
was  really  uttered.  1  lie  plea  on  which  Miu  Palhek  woa  put  forward,  was 
the  fact  of  bis  being  tlie  son  of  his  father,  which  was  met  by  the  ordinary 
election  argument  of  "  Oh  !  "  ;  und  thous^h  an  O  means  notbing,  we  can 
scarcdv  find  fault  so  far  with  the  reply  of  the  constituents  to  wliat  bad 
been  aadressed  lu  llii-m. 

The  proposal  of  Si  a  Ciiaeles  Napieb,  however,  it  was  that  eUcitcd 
all  the  strength  of  reasoning  on  one  side,  and  all  titc  power  of  refuta- 
tion on  the  other.  The  mere  nicutioD  of  the  candidate  s  name  was  the 
signal  for  a  truly  electoral  clincher,  in  the  shape  of  "  Groans^  and  criea 
of  *Wc  won't  have  him!'"  which  was  ccrtainl)^  conclusive,  if  not 
altogether  so  logical  as  a  schotjhnan  might  have  desired.  [ 

We  now  come  to  the  speeclies  of  iha  eoudiJates  themselves,  and 
Mk.  Wiluams  being  the  favtmnie,  we  shall  Gud  it  uimeccssaxy  to 
allude  much  to  his  remarks,  which  were  of  the  customary  oommon-place 
kind,  and  were  responded  to  by  the  usual  sagacious  shouts  of  "  So  we 
wilV'  "  Brave  Williams,"  "  Give  it  to  Old  Cuahlbt  "  "  Slick  lo  him." 
"  Do  you  hear  that  old  chap  ?  "  "  Sack  him  altogether,  and  ot  lier  similar 
specimens  of  the  iutcUcctuality  and  liberality  of  a  hu-gc  metropolitan 
constituency.  Mjl  Paliuh  next  came  forward  with  the  wise 
suggestion  that  as  he  had  done  nottiing,  no  fault  could  be  found  with 
him  ;  but  he  urged  his  claims  by  virtue  of  an  aileged  "  connection  with 
the  trough,"  which  miglit  have  been  )ust  as  well  urged  by  any  other 
gentleman  happening  to  occupy  a  lodgin?  in  Lambeth.  Tbis  candidate, 
on  the  slreugth  of  a  probiible  tirst  or  second  floor,  was  met  by  what  the 
enlightened  electors  themselves  would  have  appropriately  termed  a 
floorer,  in  the  shape  of  a  flat  assertion  of  "  We  won't  have  you."  Poor 
Mb.  Faucbr  then  yd  turedto  hint  his  ehiims  as  a  working  man,  earning 
bis  bread  by  his  profession;  but  a  viporuus  shout  of  "Gammon.  Mil. 
Palwzb,"  convinced  him  at  once,  that  however  be  might  get  his  bread, 
tbe  Lambeth  voters  tvould  supply  uu  butter.  The  remainder  of  the 
candidate's  speech  elicited  a  roaring  accompaniment  of  "  That  won't 
do;;  "  Oh,  hold  your  tongue,"  cries  of /*  Stuff//  "That'll  do/'  and  a 
variety  of  very  intelligible,  but  not  particularly  intelligent  comments. 

The  coming  forth  of  Sia  C.  NAriEa  was  the  signal  for  the  putting 
forth  of  all  the  powers  of  the  constituency,  and  as  tie  was  the  candidate 
thev  most  wished  to  defeat,  we  have  a  right  to  take  their  observations 
on  uis  speech,  as  containing  the  very  concentration  of  all  the  argumenta- 
tive force  ot  wliicb  tbe  voters  could  avail  themselves.  Uis  very 
appearance  was  greeted  by  a  sort  of  preliminary  objection  to  any  thing 
he  might  have  to  urge,  and  au  enaruious  cato'-mne-tails  was  shaken 
about  as  an  embodiment,  uo  doubt,  of  at  least  nine  points  of  the  argu- 
ment to  bo  uixed  against  his  election.  As  soon  as  the  callant  Admiral 
was  pcrmitteoto  open  bis  mouth,  he  conmienced  by  adorcs&ing  to  his 
audience  a  piece  oireasoning  quite  worthy  of  their  capacity,  for  he  told 
them  that  though  a  sailor  ought,  to  represent  a  sea-port,  yet  as  the 
Thames  washed  one  side  of  I>ambeth,  Lambeth  might  bo  regarded  as 
pro  ianto.  a  sea-port,  and  therefore  an  Admiml  was  a  fit  penioa  to  be 
entrusted  with  its  interests. 

if  we  were  in  the  House  of  Commons,  and  wore  allowed  to  moke 
/cnerable  attempts  at  effete  wit,  we  should  compare  this  to  the  old  case 
of  Goodwin  Sands  and  Tonterdcn  Steeple^  but  as  our  readers  are  not 


H  Bt\ 


by  an  agent  of  the  mott  liberal  of  the  /lAflrd/ candidates.  A  slight  allusion 
to  financial  matters  extracted  from  the  crowd  the  off-hand  shout  of 
"Oh !  hong  the  national  debt : "  and  after  a  few  more  specimens  of  the 
trenchant  stvle  of  disposing  of  great  questions,  the  Admu-al  retired  amid 
a  shower  of  "We  aon't  want  tou's."  "  Wo  wont  have  you's,"  and  a 
misoelloneous  colleclion  of  liberal  epithets. 

We  really  cannot  help  feeling  rather  humiliated  at  sudi  disgruoeful 
stuff  as  this  forming,  as  it  almost  always  does,  the  staple  of  the  report 


of  any  election  proceedings,  where  the  suffrages  of  a  large  and  liberal 
constituency  ore  solicited.  We  do  not  quarrel  with  the  result  in  a 
political  sense,  but  the  empty,  senseless,  and  almost  brutal  character  of 
the  preliminaries  may  fturly  f uniisli  a  liandlc  to  the  oiiponeuts  of  an 
extension  of  the  suffrage,  while  superior  men,  who  woulcl  otherwise  be 
proud  of  representing  large  constituencies,  naturally  shrink  from  such  a 
contemptible  ordeal  as  it  seems  every  one  must  go  through  before  he 
can  obtain  a  seat  for  any  numerically  important  town  or  borough.  .  la 
everything  but  their  barbarous  violence,  Ine  old  Covent  Garden  dan  of 
deocf  dogs  and  cabbiure  stalks  seem  to  survive  at  our  metropolitan 
elections,  and  the  bnitnl  brandishing  of  cats  in  tbe  face  of  one  of  the 
candidates,  would  seeni  to  show  that  if  the  scene  was  prolonged  as  it 
used  to  be,  thcr?  would  bo  found  quite  as  much  ruffianism,  and  quite  as 
little  intelligence,  as  ever  disgraced  the  mobs,  when  Stit  MiraiUT 
Maxwell  had  his  eye  knocked  out,  and  Orator  Henuy  Hunt,  having 
been  proposed  hy  a  chimney-sweep,  and  seconded  by  a  costermongcr, 
gloried  in  the  existence  of  "  two  honest  men  "  in  Wesnninater. 


THE  WHITEBAirS  INVITA'nON  TO  THE  MINISTERS. 

"  Comb  away,  come  away,  ye  merry  men  all," 
Sang  voices  from  under  nld  ITiamcs's  flood; 
And  it  was  the  &ong  of  tbe  Whitebait  small, 
As  soft  and  as  clear  as  their  native  mud : 
"  Come  away  Loud  John  Hussell, 
A  truce  to  bother  and  bustle : 
Come  my  lads,  take  your  pleasure, 
Give  up  motion  and  measure. 
Cut  contest  and  struggle  and  tussle. 

"  Bring  yoor  barren  toil  to  a  close  at  last, 
For  swiftly  the  hours  of  the  season  fly ; 
If  you  wait  till  another  bill  rou  Ve  past, 
*Vc  arc  sure  thiit  we  shall  not  be  Ht  to  fry ; 
Try  no  further  to  budge  on ; 
We  're  nearly  as  big  as  gudgeon; 
We  are  getting  irate, 
And  if  IdufTcr  you  wait. 
We  shall  stiot  in  your  wea&andft,  in  dudgeon. 

**  In  tbe  goblet  of  punch  oU  memor)'  drown 

Of  blunder,  disaster,  defeat,  disgrace ; 
And  wash  it  with  us  in  a  bumper  down, 
llejoicing  to  feel  you  arc  stiU  in  ph»ce : 
!Eat  your  whiterjoit  in  utter 
Content,  with  brown  bread  and  butter; 
On  wnich  side  of  your  bread 
'Tother  substance  is  spread 
You  're  aware — so  at  least  some  folks  mutter/' 


SALE  OF  ENCUMBERED  ESTATES. 

SracE  we  read  so  much  about  the  Sale  of  Encumbered  Estates,  wo 
wonder  that  a  particularly  encumbered  estate  in  the  centre  of  1.oudon 
has  never  been  put  up  to  auction.  We  allude  to  Leicester  Square, 
which  has  the  strongest  claims  upon  the  Commission  in  question:  for 
we  are  sure  that,  in  all  our  miserable  experience,  which  includes  Ireland, 
of  course,  we  have  never  vritnessed  an  eslatc  tliat  was  more  painfully 
encumbered  than  the  one  situate  in  Leicester  Square.  The  encum- 
brances consist  of  numerous  mounds  of  deceased  aogs  and  cats,  small 
hills  of  oyster  shells,  and  Urge  mountains  of  animal  matter.  We  would 
recommend  the  Sanitary  Commission  to  take  a  stroll,  ou  some  sultry 
afternoon,  through  that  little  hotbed  of  corruption :  for  renlly,  in  these 
days  of  Kefurm,  it  is  like  rctaiuinz  a  rotten  borough  in  the  very  neort 
of  the  Metropolis.  It  is  an  evil  which  is  most  offensive  to  the  common 
sense — or  scents,  rather— of  the  pnblic ;  and  the  sooner  it  is  sold,  swept, 
and  carted  away,  the  better. 


Abolition  of  Offices. 


Among  tbe  offices  recommended  for  abolition  by  the  Committee  on 
Official  Sfthu-ics,  is  that  of  Lord  Privy  Seal.  This  mode  of  dealing  with 
the  Seal,  proves  that  the  Committee  have  been  unon  the  wat^  for 
economy.  We  have  not  heard  whether  the  Seal  will  at  once  surrender 
the  key  of  office,  or  whether  it  is  to  be  simply  understood  that  tbe  die 
of  the  Seal  is  cast  as  to  any  future  vacancy. 


A  Baji  Abticlb. — There  are  two  Houses  of  Commons  at  present, 
but  the  now  House  is  colled,  vor  ejrcelicmje^  "  The  House,"  from  the 
simple  fact  of  every  one  being    dtaf-in-it." 


FaOTEaBULLY   TaUE. — LUera  ScrifUa  Man**.,  '::S^N£. 'wCXk^  >>6>««. 
remains)  all  day  on  Snsida^  vEv>X\t"^w.^2f&.«i- 


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QBAKO  SCRAMBLE  OF   DIAMONDS  PHEVIOXJS  TO  THE  DEPARTIOIE  OF  THE  HEPAUIESE  AMBAS8AD0B. 


"Ladt  Konr.EuoN  presonts  her  complimente  to  J/r.  Punch. 

"LAi)Y  R.  hnvinx  heaid  Ihut  it  is  the  mtcDtion  of  the  drar  Nepaalese 
Ambassador  at  the  loatparty  of  tht;  acilsou  (crc  he  lenve?  for  his  native 
mountains,  the  home  oftlm  bulhul  aud  the  p>i/cl)el  tu  make  a  delicious 
demoiutration,  begs  llmt  Mr.  Fuueh,  as  knowin?  all  things,  will  favour 
Laj}i  K,  with  the  earliest  notice  of  the  coming  event. 


"The  NVpaulftse  Ambassador  harini?,  it  is  Raid  dptermined  on  tiis 
laat  mjfbt,  to  strip  his  oap  of  state  of  all  the  jnr''h  tiiat  hare 
delightc.1  **  '  :nonde,  in  order  to  throw  the  pr«cio\is  gems  nsA 
scrambK  s  present   by  war  of  a  souvenir — 

"  Jtfr.  J  i  pardon  Laut  K.  for  expressing  a  very  xiahuv] 

auxietf  to  be  present  on  so  interesting  and  ttntque  an  occaskm." 


PIASTER  JOHNNY'S   HOLIDAY   LEITER.  *, 
"  VoiCMMff  Stre^  Clasnea/a^  Commercial  Jcad^m^^  Att^tui  13M,  1851. 

"Mr  DrAK  Goaiu)Ia.v.  Mr.  Pcncu, 

"  Now  the  hoUdajrs  are  apivooching.  1  l&ke  up  my  pen  to  write 
fou  an  aceount  of  the  way  in  which  1  imvi:  hecn  piirsuinir  mv  studies, 
and  have  been  going  on  and  couducting  myself  generally  this  fmlf  year. 

"1  am  very  sorry  indeed  to  be  oompclled  to  inform  you  that  1  have 
nude  ver;r  httte  iiuproveiiieut,  luid  I  am  afraid  tliot  you  and  all  my 
friends  will  be  extremely  dissatisfied  with  my  progress. 

"  In  my  Ali^bra  1  have  remained  quite  atatiunary,  owin^  to  oiy  want 
of  seal  and  diligence,  which  has  prevented  mo  from  nain^  the  api>llcation 
requisite  to  enable  me  to  understand  the  Kepreaeatation  of  Kumbers. 
Aocordinffly,  1  have  made  no  attempt,  I  am  ashamed  to  say,  to  solve 
that  problem,  which  you  arc  so  anxious  to  have  settled,  of  the  enlarge- 
ment of  the  Suffrage. 

"  Willi  regard  to  mv  Chiasie8,all  I  have  to  mention  is,  that  in  common 
with  the  rest  of  the  Class,  I  have  bad  much  difficulty  with  my  Greek ; 
but  wc  flatter  mirselves  that  we  got  out  of  that  nicely. 

"My  Arithmetic  hna  riven  me  some  trouble,  and  would  have  given 
me  more  if  I  hod  attended  to  it  much,  iTu.tend  of  ncglectin?*  it  greatly. 
With  the  kind  assistance  of  my  schuolfcllow  Woon,  however,  T  have 
rot  over  one  little  sum  in  subtraction,  having  talcrn  the  d\itv  on  bricks 
from  the  amount  of  t^ixiition.  I  had  also  the  Window-Tax,  and  llie 
fiDCei  on  Paper  and  News,  set  mc  to  subtract ;  but  I  conldu't  do 
wthcr  of  these  sums;  I  fear  yon  wit!  aay,  because  I  did  not  trr.  On 
the  other  hand,  I  have  done  a  very  heavy  sura  in  compound  addition, 
which  came  to  iili.iXXJ.  This  was  not  a  rcgnbr  tfisk  ;  but  1  cannot 
wKf  that  i  did  it  of  my  own  accord ;  and,  to  confess  the  truth,  it  was 
an  imposition. 


"1  have  been  very  frequently  punished — slthough  not  so  often  as  1 
know  I  descn-cd.  I  have  had  several  flogarngs,  both  in  this  House  ano 
the  other;  and  I  hope  the  correction  I  have  received,  will  do  me  good, 
and  cause  me  to  he  a  belter  boy.  and  to  mind  wliat  is  said  to  mr 

"  I  have  not  behaved  at  all  well  to  the  new  boy  that  y< 
some  tune  ago,  Nathax.    I  have  neglected  to  introil 
other  boys ;  and  when  he  tried  to  mix  with  them  of  him^t  n,  i  Mt>ppea 
him,  and  have  put  liim  off  for  another  half  year. 

"  "With  a  deep  sense  of  my  remissness,  I  acknowledge  that  when  a 
small  number  of  meddlesome  Puritanical  boys  shut  up  the  Post  OfRoe 
on  Sunday,  1  stood  by,  and  did  not  ciert  myself  to  prevent  them,  as  I 
might  liave  done. 

•^To  make  amends  for  my  deficiencies  in  other  respoot»,  I  hate 
endeavoured  to  distia.'uish  myself  in  Elocution;  Imt  as  I  am  aware 
that  you  think  nothing  of  mere  talking,  1  !>hall  say  no  more  about  that. 

"Begging  you  to  accept  my  duty  and  respect,  and  to  present  the 
same  to  my  iodnlgcnt  friend  and  patron,  Mr.  Bdll,  and  hoping  next 
half  year  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf,  and  btthave  in  a  way  more  deserving 
yonr  approbation,  believe  me,  my  dear  guardian, 

"  Your  dutiful  Ward,  JoHii  Russtu./' 

*•  P.S.  My  holiday  task  is  a  question  in  Cyphering,  'To  adjust  the 
Inoome  Tax  according  to  the  mde  of  Prooortion.'  It  is  very  hari 
and  wilt  kccu  me  iu  and  make  my  bead  acne ;  and  I  hope  you  wiU 
intercede,  ana  get  mc  eicused  from  doing  it." 


snAKtrcL  aoBBEUT  cojonTTED  oif  iTB.  -ff  ASnr«6io2f  tBtrra. 

The  infKn^ment  of  a  copyright  waa  alwara  characterised  aa  a 
quBstion  of  puacy  and  robbery,  but  now  it  is  called  "  a  mere  matter  of 
BouM-ing.'* 


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I 


A  GENTLEMAN   IN   DIFFICULTIES. 

Lord  John,  **  It  's  utFousjiiLE  ron  ouu  liouac  to  uct  you  have  that  uttlb  Mattea  kovt.    But  tod  oak  bats 

A  Biix  PATABLB  Nut  S£8«iom.  if  Toa  LUU." 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I 


I 
I 


GENTLEMEN'S  FASHIONS  FOR  THE  SEA-SIDE. 

Thkre  are  fuhioiu  for  the  Sea-side  just  in  the  same  vkj  m  there  lire 
fashions  for  the  Opera,  or  for  a  wedding,  or  for  a  morning  conrert.  or 
for  an  evening  party.  Tbeae  fashions  are  so  broadly  marked,  that  they 
woold  produce  the  greatest  oonAtcmation  if  worn  anywhere  else  but  at 
the  sea-side.  A  gentleman  in  sea-side  costume,  if  seen  walking  down 
Fleet  Street  would  be  followed  by  a  ragged  regiment  of  little  boys,  and 
saluted  by  the  nds  and  couducturs  of  every  passing  omnibus. 

I'hese  faaiuons  are  distinguished  by  a  kind  of  easy  iainet  aller 
maritinie  freedom  and  elegance.  Ilic  trousers  are  ample,  and  flap  about 
like  the  sails  of  a  ship.  Straps  are  discarded.  The  chauMntrt  is  of  a 
•Upper  kind,  so  slippery  that  not  unfrequently  a  shoe  is  left  behind  the 
owner,  imbedded  iu  the  sand.  The  fashionable  colour  is  a  biiif,  a  colour 
which  causes  the  owner  to  be  facetiously  hailed  by  his  aequainlanoe  by 
the  name  of  buffer. 

CJiapeavz  are  rarelv  seen  in  the  atitiit^.  A  straw  hat  of  a  nautical 
shape  and  heiglit,  is  tue  general  ornament  for  the  head.  It  is  set  off  by 
a.bfacic-band  and  under-lining,  and,  in  windy  weather,  is  fastened  to  the 
right  buttou-bolo  by  a  piece  of  green  string. 

The  tie^  arc  also  as  free  and  as  open  as  the  sea.  The  throat  is 
umoiti^  rfroKrer/,  after  the  fashion  of  H'HUam^  in  Bhck-^ed  SH*an. 
Tliey  are  fastened  in  a  loose  knot,  and  the  ends  are  allowed  to  coquet 
{FrtHcM  ityU)  with  the  idle  breeze. 

The  shirts  are  vpry  mm-h  after  the  counting-house  ledger  style.  Tf 
not  ruled  m  red  lines,  they  arc  in  blue.  The  collu^  are  large,  and  hang 
down  on  the  niAt  a  (n  poodle. 

Waistcoats  nxe  not  generally  worn.  The  same  remark  applies  to 
braces ;  or,  if  these  latter  are  indulged  in,  they  should  be  oi  a  highly 
floral  decorative  pattern,  such  as  are  exhibited  for  sale  in  the  Iturlington 
Arcade,  but  of  course  they  must  have  been  worked  by  the  band  of 
Love. 

Coats  arc  cut  after  the  celebrated  military  shell-jacket  pattern ;  that 
is  to  say,  without  tails.  They  are  like  the  coats  worn  by  the  gar^njt  in 
the  French  rq/lrJ,  but  of  course,  viithout  the  accompanying  napkin. 
We  Imvc  seen  some  of  n  light,  grey,  Portland  stone  eontntr^xxi  they 
arc  too  much  a  la  mode  of  the  fodtmaii  iu  undress  livery,  and  do  uot 
look  well,  excepting  on  the  back  of  ii  bold  ferocious  fopeigncr. 

Walking  sticks  are  vulirar.  The  prevailing  sul>stitutc  is  i*  i*  't 
telescope,  sometunes  fancifully  slung  round  the  neck  by  a  bhick  liu^..., 
sometimes  pl&yfuUy  dangled  in  the  nmn  droUe. 

No  gloves. 

The  walk  must  be  of  that  quick,  iudepcndcnt,  springy  step,  the 
peculiar  gift  of  a  captain  walking  hia  deck.  'I  he  whole  demeanour 
seasoned  with  a  dash  of  the  salt  which  is  foimd  in  the  ocean. 

The  evening  dress  for  the  parade  or  the  library  is  a  frock-coat,  of  a 
colour  not  too  gay,  not  too  sombre,  but  a  soft  medium  between  the 
two,  like  an  autumnal  twilight.  Trousers  of  a  summer  complexion,  and 
a  welUaasortcd  waistcoat,  to  keep  them  in  a  contented  countrnance. 
Hat  a  la  Kensington  Gardens  ;  and  a  pair  of  polished  boots,  not  too 
young,  not  too  i^ed.  We  have  known  a  pleasing  sensation  created  by 
the  tasteful  addition  of  a  pair  of  yellow  kid  gloves ;  but  sloves  of  some 
sort  (excepting  always  Berlin)  mnst  be  worn.  Light  Regent  Street 
cane,  with  just  a  few  drops  of  jewellery.  General  demeanour,  gentle 
and  Tocant,  that  of  Ihe  Hyde  Fark  flantur.  A  Gibus  under  the  arm. 
combined  witli  the  sleepy  insouciance  of  the  Opera  cru.sh-room,  ana 
fresMv-curled  hair,  produces  k>  prodigious  an  ciTect,  thai  perluips  it 
woula  be  wise  not  to  repeat  it  in  the  same  place  more  than  twice. 


OH  WHKRE,  AND  OH  WHEHB.  IS  THK  AGED 
TORTOISE  GONE? 

We  have  as  yet  seen  no  announcement  of  the  appearance  in  public  of 
the  venerable  toKoise  who,  it  was  expected,  was  about  to  make  hii 
first  appearauee  these  hundred  and  ninety  years  in  the  Gardens  of  the 
Zoological  Society. 

We  cannot  understand  why  the  d^hut  of  this  distinguished  antmoJ 
has  been  delayed,  unless  it  has  been  for  the  pun>08e  of  preventing  any 
interference  witii  tlie  "run"  of  the  hippopotamus.  "He  suspect  that 
the  friends  of  the  tortoise  may  have  baa  something  to  do  with  the  post- 
ponement ;  for  the  new  candidate  for  public  favour  would  in  &J1  probo- 
oility  be  voted  rather  "slow  "  in  a  race  with  the  sea>horse  for  the  prire 
of  public  favour.  Perhaps  the  tortoiste  may  have  not  beem  able  to  come 
to  terras  about  a  sufficiently  permanent  eng^igement  to  suit  its  Tery 
loneevital  merit ;  for  when  we  recollect  that  it  is  at  present  compara- 
tively but  "a  young  thing,*'  though  190  years  old,  we  cannot  be  sur* 
prisea  at  its  being  anxious  to  make  bay  wltile  the  sun  shines,  and  to 
secure  in  the  days  of  its  youth,  the  means  of  retreat  for  an  old  ^e  that 
promises  to  be  rather  durable. 

We  have  not  yet  heard  whether  the  day  is  fixed  for  the  tortoise  to 
come  out;  but  as  two  att  met  ions  can  scarcely  ever  command  success 
at  the  same  time,  wc  should  recommend  cither  that  the  hippopotamus 
should  accept  some  provincial  enROKement,  or  that  the  tortoise  should 
go  throush  a  round  of  his  !>erfonnances  in  the  country,  previous  to  hia 
drhut  before  a  London  audience.  We  have  heard  there  will  be  some 
difficulty  in  getting  the  hippopotamus,  who  is  a  good  deal  puffed  up 
with  popular  applause — to  uivide  the  bufiness  "  with  the  new  comer, 
who,  on  his  port  refuses  flatly  to  appear  as  a  sort  of  walking  gentleman, 
while  the  hippopotamus  is  doing  all  the  b'ght  eccentric  comedy  of  the 
Regent's  Park  establishment. 


THE  FRENCH  INVASION. 


I 


FREE  DISCUSSION  IN  FRANCE. 

Thx  other  day  during  one  of  the  debates  in  the  French  assembly. 
the  members  hiul  been  amusing  themselves  and  abusing  each  other  in 
the  usual  form  when  the  President,  after  vainlv  trying  to  obt^iin  order, 
expressed  hia  ''  wish  that  he  had  the  Tower  of  Ijondon  at  his  disposal, 
for  if  he  bad,  "he  would  frecjy  use  it."  This  little  fact  is  one  of  a 
series  of  every  da/  occurrence,  all  tending  to  illustrate  the  sort  of 
freedom  of  discussion  that  prevails  in  France,  where  even  the  members 
of  the  LegisUturc  are  threatened  with  a  state  prison  if  they  don't  know 
how  to  behave  themselves.  Evervlhing  may  be  very  free  just  now 
among  our  neighbours  the  French,  but  it  is  certainly  much  more  free 
than  welcome  to  the  great  minority  amongst  them. 

We  are  certainly  without  the  boasted  liberty  of  a  repubUc  in  this 
country,  and  we  trust  we  may  lone  continue  so,  when  wc  find  the  fniits 
of  repubUcan  liberty  to  consist  in  laws  against  the  press,  restrictions  on 
the  expression  of  opinion  in  any  and  every  form,  amounting  to  no  less 
than  a  menace  of  imprisonment  to  such  members  of  the  legislature  as 
do  not  exactly  conform  to  the  notions  of  the  President.  We  jpresume 
that  under  a  republic  we  should  be  having  the  Speaker  of  the  House  of 
Conunons  regretting  he  had  not  a  Baatile  at  haad  as  a  safe  depooitorr 
for  some  of  the  members,  but  intimating  that  Brixton  is  not  far  off,  and 
that  they  had  better  behave  themselves. 


Thk  words  "  French  Invasion,"  used  to  be  a  bugbear,  or  rather  a  flea 
in  EnglLth  ears,  but  wc  may  now  fairlv  say  that  the  Invasion  of  England 
bv  the  Frrncii,  has  token  place  uiufcr  circumstances  which  the  most 
blustering  of  British  bosoms  would  not  rebel  against.  The  invasion 
may,  in  fact,  be  considered  to  be  going  on  from  week  to  week,  though 
one  of  the  most  dreaded  instances  nappencd  a  few  days  ago,  when  the 
coast  was  invaded  by  no  less  than  fourteen  liuudred  French,  who  poured 
into  the  Folkestone  Railway'  Station,  overrun  the  whole  of  the  carriages, 
and  placed  under  contribution  to  their  service  the  whole  resources  of  the 
Soutn  Eastern  Company.  On  the  arrival  of  the  invading  party  at  the 
London  Bridge  Terminus,  they  deluged  the  plalfonn,  inundated  the 
cab  stand,  overflowed  the  omnibuses,  and  pressed  into  tlieir  semco 
overvlhing  iu  the  shape  of  a  vehicle  that  wa.s  available.  "The  porters 
Hcd,  not  "  for  safety  and  for  succour,"  but  for  a  fresh  supply  of  cabs, 
tlies,  and  busses. 

Tne  invaders  penetrated  into  the  western  portion  of  the  city,  and 
taking  up  their  quarters  in  the  vicinity  of  Leicester  Square,  soon  ex- 
hausted all  the  provisions  of  the  fnif^ally  suppUed  inhabitants.  Famine 
was  rapidly  setting  in,  when  the  tiniety  aid  of  neighbouring  butchers  a^ 
a  friendly  understanding  with  some  outlying  bakers,  supplied  the  gap 
that  had  Vcn  caused  bv  the  demands  of  the  French  incuraionists.  ft 
must  be  said  to  the  credit  of  the  invading  party,  that  they  honourably 
paid  for  everything  they  took  from  the  inhabitants. 


Over  Speculation. 

There  is  some  talk  of  erecting  a  building  over  Waterloo  Bridge,  but 
we  fear  if  the  proprietors  should  succeed  in  covering  their  bridKC,  they 
wUl  never  cover  tneir  expenses.  The  projcclors  talk  largely  of  profit, 
but  the  scheme  .lavours  strongly  of  building  cAstlrs  in  the  air,  which  the 
proposed  pile  will  much  resemble  if  it  is  ever  thrown  across  the  river. 
The  object  is  to  furnish  a  very  large  room  for  the  sale  of  fancy  articles, 
and  we  presume  for  the  payment  of  fancy  or  imaginary  dividends.  We 
wish  success  to  any  scheme  the  unfortunate  proprietors  may  carry  out 
for  the  recovery  of  their  lost  funds,  and  wc  only  hope  they  may  find 
their  room  more  profitable  thou  their  company. 

THE   CAUT   BEFORE  THE  HOIUE. 

HiTiranro.  Members  of  Parliament  have  been  aocnstomed  to  take 
the  oaths  ana  Iheir  seats : — the  former  before  the  latter.  But  now  that 
the  spore  allotted  to  each  Member  is  bo  tight  a  fit,  being  from  IG  to  20 
inches  each  Member,  you  will  have  hon.  gentlemen — if  moderately  stout 
— taking  their  seats  unt  and  swearing  afterwards. 

rt   IS  THE   CATTSE.      IT  IS  THE   CAUSE. 

Maxt  Dcrsonfl  are  continually  asking  the  cause  why  there  is  absolut^H 
nothing  doiiiK  in  railways.  Our  answer  is  that  it  vavBazv**^^***^*^*-^*^ 
be  aAything  doing  when  evcnh*^^  NiaKa\*«i.  ^Rsa&. 


« 


78 


PUNCH,  OR  TIIK   LONDON   CIIARIVAIII. 


Oim    FBIEITD   BRI60S    C0HT£MPLAT£8  A  SAT'S  FISHINO. 

Hx  rs  Hxax  surpossD  lo  bb  qbttimo  bm  Tacjllb  ut  oaDEB,  Autt  tu^thq  tds  kajiaobiuxt  or  ns  RuwniG  Lm. 


DOinJ  GO  THK  BRIDGES.  OH! 

Ws  bcprin  Lo  feel  llukt  epidrmica  afTect  not  only  the  aoinial  and 
Teg«table  world,  but  tli»t  inanimate  ohjecta  irc  liable  to  dise«aes  of  a 
catcbing  otiaracter.  The  London  docks  have  bad  tlicir  period  of 
derangemeuC,  and  it  haa  been  a  Khockiii^  time,  or  no  time  at  all,  vith  a 

Seat  manj'  of  them;  but  iual  nuw  it  seems  to  be  the  turn  of  the 
etropolitan  Hnii?c3  to  soffer  from  an  incurable  malady.  Poor  old 
Westminster  lias  been  the  first  to  i,'ivc  way,  and  it  is  now  said  that  ita 
neighbour  Blockfriars  ia  in  a  fee'-^o  and  binkina  oonditioo.  Watecloo, 
being  younger  and  stronger  in  constitution,  Haa  apparently  escaped, 
andlHungcrford,  thoiish  in  a  stair  of  much  suspense,  has  not  yet  uecn 
Tiaited ;  but  Blackfriars  is  said  Lo  be  in  such  a  state,  that  it  will  not  be 
able  to  keep  up  without  the  aid  of  doctoring.  We  hope  that  the 
disease  will  be  met  by  professional  skill  at  once^  and  not  by  mere 
miarkery,  whiHi  prescriDes  a  sort  of  homeopathic  treatment  in  the 
soape  01  an  infinity  of  small  and  extravagant,  because  iaefTecluftl, 
repAirs,  when  vigorotis  meaanrw  applied  at  once  would  restore  strength 
to  the  patient  at  a  moderate  outlay.  Pnor  Westminster  has  been  so 
patchea  and  pla^^tcred,  and  has  hod  so  many  operations  performed,  that 
it  is  now  scarcely  able  to  hold  together;  ana  there  has  been  such  a 
pueral  bnak  up,  that  people  are  bc^iiu^ing  to  think  it  had  better  be 
[eft  in  peace  for  the  remainder  of  its  davs,  nntil  it  sinks  exhaosted  into 
the  bed  that  old  Father  Thames  always  Iceeps  at  its  diaponl. 


Parliamentary  Agitation. 

LiGtsuiTiON  lias  often  been  impeded  by  the  unsrcmly  heat  of  debate, 
and  the  oonieqneut  low  of  temper  of  the  diiTcicnt  and  indifferent 
Members  of  Parliament.  Wc  regret  to  say  tliai  tbia;;s  are  not  likely 
to  be  mended  wiien  the  siltiugs  arC  regularly  held  iu  the  new  palace  at 
Westminster;  for  as  the  Lowe  Assembly  is  only  calculated  to  hold 
aotnetliing  over  four  hundred  persons,  while  the  number  of  niembera 
exceeds  five  hundred,  we  have  reluctantly  brou<clit  ourselves  lo  the 
mebncholy  condusion  that  the  House  of  Commons  win  never  be  able 
vo  contain  itself. 


THE  CAMBRIDGE  MONUMENT. 

SmxLT  WQ  have  voted  a  most  magniHcent  monument  to  the  glor|r  of 
the  Ute  ]>0»  or  Camdbjdge.  Do  we  not  ^ve  his  son  <whoK  latanl 
pomp  has  alreajdy  broken  out  into  an  eruption  of  eqnenics  lad  obae- 
laina)  the  trifiing  amount  of  £12,000  per  annum  ?  A  prrtty  goldoa 
moumneut  I  Say  thai  the  present  gorgeous  young  Duke  shall  live  fifty 
years  to  bless  the  Ezohotiucr.     Fifty  times  twelve  thousand  pounds. 

12,  wo 

fiO 

£800,000 

Fmagine  sii  hundred  thousand  piled  sovereigns;  and  say,  is  it  not  a 
most  portentous  pile  of  gold — a  column  of  monumental  significanoo, 
when  It  is  considered  to  whom  it  is  ruiscji,  and  from  whose  pockets  it 
is  obr&iiicd?  To  be  sure  this  is  not  a  voluntary  tribute.  This  is  a 
monument  erected  bv  the  House  of  Commons — and  noi  by  the  people. 
Thev  are  only  compcUed  to  5nd  the  material  that  shall  muke  it. 

The  late  Duce  or  Cavbridge  is,  however,  to  have  another  moira- 
mcnt,  raised  by  voluntary  means.  So  be  it.  Lord  GjiosVE^on  moves 
a  resolution,  which  avows  of  the  late  Duke  that  "  hia  v^o/f  life  an4 
forlHHf  were  devoted  to  the  protection  and  aiFectinnate  cure  of  tlie  sielt, 
and  afflicted."  Is  it  really  so  ?  A  whole  hTo  and  fortune  ?  This  is  a 
deep,  ft  touching  claim  upon  the  gratitude  of  mankind.  Why  was  nf>t 
the  Noble  Ijoniarmed  with  something  lite  a  balance-sheet  in  pleasinjp 
corroboration  of  his  large  avowal?    As  another  meeting  is  to  be  helflj 

we  may  yet  hope  lo  hear  of  such  a  document.    Any  - -      -  ■''' 

snggest  a  cheap  and  ready  mode  of  doing  monument  i 

memory  of  Cahbriogb.    It  is  simply  this.    Let  hU  ^ 

post  at  present  held  by  his  brother  \  ork  in  Waterloo  Pbn;c.     It  wuuld 

oe  a  fine  double  touch  of  justice  to  remove  fmm  rhe  p'lhr  Ihe  bmn«e  of 

A  Duke  who  never  paid  hi.t  debts,  in  ordn  .1  ine 

statue  of  his  broiher  Duke,  who  uprni  the  !ie<i, 

says  Lord  GRfttvKNon,  "his  whulc  life  and  ,.  ..;,,,.„ 

We  may  yet  read  ia  some  future  Ooceffr—"  Promoted^  the  Statue  of 
bis  late  Royal  Hirhness  the  Dure  of  Caubhidgk  to  the  top  of  thp 
pillar,  Waterloo  Place ;  vice  the  Statue  of  like  late  DOXM  Of  Yoa|^ 
gone  to  the  melting-pot.*' 


f 


J 


PUNCU,   OR  T1I5  J^ONDON  CHAIMVARL 


79 


PUNCH'S  GUIDE 


TO  THE   SCIENCE 
FAMILIAR. 


OF  THINGS 


Tire  Rmr.  Dr.  Brewbii— who  evidently  docs  nofhinsr  by  hftlf-ftod- 
half— has  lately  pubbsk-d  a  very  useful  littV  work,  n-  '■  !  imili&r 

wayaome  thouflands  of  tctt  familiar  qnestions,  and  ;  mrm  in 

a  verr  pleasant,  though  latLer  r'  ■  ■  '  '  f  mwuicr.  Amor.g  i;'tir-ri!iin|rs 
he  asla,  "  "VVhy  do  you  black-:  and  though  \ri  should  have 

thought  it  was  in  order  to  give    .: :,  ..  ;- Ilsli    T>n  Breweh  tells  ils 

VT  no  so  "in  order  that  tiie  heat  of  tl  v  be  more  rt^adily 

diffnaed  about  the  room ;  becaose  black  U.^  heat  more  freely 

than  anjr  other  substance."  We  are  then  n.sktul,  "  \V"hy  docs  a  sauce- 
pan that  has  been  used,  boil  in  a  ahorter  time  timn  a  new  one  ?  "  Our 
answer  would  have  been.  "Because  the  old  an*s  nscd  to  it ;  "  but  the 
doctor  tells  us  in  mueh  finer  phraseolo^,  though  perliape  coming  to  the 
SAine  Ihinir.  that  it  is  "becauM;  the  bottom  and  back  are  covered  vnth 
toot,  and  the  black  soot  rapidlv  absorbs  the  bent  of  the  glowing  coiils.*' 
It  is  as  well  to  know  this,  no  dnnht ;  and  it  i«»  at  all  events  consoling  to 
t.ho«  who  have  got  an  o!  *  '        '     .-Tord  a  new  one,  to  be 

assured  by  a  manof  scin  off  than  the  possessor 

of  a  more  expensive  art;^ :        1 i  of  the  Doctor^  Why's, 

which  wc  should  look  at  as  rather  otherwise,  and  there  arc  many  pro- 
positions he  seems  to  take  for  granted  upon  which  we  should  be  com- 
pelled to  join  the  dissenting  party.  I'or  instancy,  he  ask:^,  "Why  do 
we  feel  a  desire  for  activity  in  cold  weather  "  and  he  llien  explains  the 
alleged  fact  by  saying  something  about  fanning  combustion  in  tho 
blood,"  when  the  truth  is,  wn  frrl  no  desire  for  activity,  but  rather  a 
deaire  lo  ail  cosily  ovrr  thr  (ire  in  cold  weather;  and  us  !o  faiming  our 
bIood«  we  emphatically  declare  wo  miglit  be  blowcd  if  wo  should 
like  it. 

There  ore  a  few  questions  (>•-    '  ivliich  we  have  been  in 

the  habit  of  answenng  for  out  ■  wilh  which  the  worthy 

Doctor  would  not  nf  • "    ■  -r  —  -ite  leave  to  add  a 

few  apecimens.  vv>  to  thr  scicntiilc 

knowledge  of  thint  ;    (■^rrect  in  a  philo- 

sophical point  of  view .  iL  is  never  diA&Hreeabk*. 

Q.  Why  docs  lijrhtninf?  turn  ntilk  and  beer  sour? 

J.  Because  the  cleotnc  fluid  docs  not  know  how  lo  conduct  itself,  or, 
perhaps,  because  on  the  principle  of  two  of  a  trade  never  ai;re<;inp,' the 
elcclnc  fluid  and  the  nulky  or  beery  fluid  cannot  come  into  contact 
without  the  two  latter  jrettm?  soured  by  the  former, 

Q.  Wliy  is  mortar  ndhesire  ? 

^.  Because  it  is  of  aconlidingnatarc.  and  imagining  that  every  object 
is  a  briek,  it  will  attach  itself  to  anything. 

Q.  Why  ought  potatoee  to  be  boded  in  their  akins? 

J.  Because  no  potato  can  be  said  to  be  properly  dressed  unless  it 
appears  in  a  jacket. 

Q.  Why  does  a  kettle  sing? 

J.  For  the  same  reason  that  &  ploughboy  whistles— for  want  of 
Ihnuphf. 

Q.  Wfiy  does  a  cat  run  after  a  mouse  ? 

J.  Because  the  mouse  runs  awny  from  the  cat. 

Q.  Why  is  it  necessary  to  cut  the  grass  P 

A.  Bccanae  the  grass,  though  composed  of  nothing  but  blades,  has 
not  one  sharp  enough  to  cut  away  itself,  and  prevent  the  necessity  of 
the  scythe  being  applied  to  it. 

We  might  go  on  multiplying  these  question*  on  anv  fine  dar,  ad 


THE  EXPERIMENTAL  HOUSE. 

^  EttTAnaT  the  House  of  Com- 

mons Ib  always  making  exneri- 
ments.  One  day  it  is  asseniblod 
to  try  whether  a  building,  only 
constructed  to  hold  three  hun- 
dred members,  can  be  made,  like 
an  omnibus^  to  hold  twice  the 
number  it  is  cnnstnicted  for. 
Soon  after,  anotlier  inrtMiug  is 
announced  for  the  trial  of  a  uew 
roof,  and  so  the  roof  keeps 
going  up  and  dc^wn,  like  Ma, 
Gkekn's  balloon.  tUI  at  last 
(he  House  will  be  red'jccd  to 
such  a  strait  that  wc  doubt  if 
it  will  have  a  roof  lo  nut  over 
its  head.  The  Regulation  is 
mosllv  of  the  same  nature,— it 
is  alf  experiments — and  not 
good  experiments  either.  Marl- 
boroutcli  House  la  voted  to  a 
youna  prince,  who  is  not  even 
&  hoobedehoy  yet,  uixm  ihr 
chance  of  his  wauting  it  nine 
years  hence.  The  Sunday  Post- 
age question  is  passed,  in  order 
(hat  the  people  may  sec  how  they  like  it.  It  was  "  only  an  experiment " 
— and,  ifiough  the  expcriuient  luis  not  nnJ^^Tcred,  1a>m>  John  does  not 
trouble  liimijclf  very; particularly  loliave  it  rescinded.  Wc  an  turd  of 
this  experimentalising. 


^ 


GETITOG  THE  WRONG  ANIMAI.  HY  THE  EAR. 

In  the  subjoined  epistle,  we  s\ispect  that  our  lettcr'trap  has  caught  a 
commuuieaLion  intended  for  a  sporting  contemporary : — 

"See, 

"  C  bob  2  joes  is  too  hi  a  Tutch  for  me  i  Therefoarc  rito  to  ax 
Your  adwice  on  a  pint  of  lor  witch  a  Reglar  subacrybcr  to  yurc  Gurucl 
oiw  vou  wil  Afoni  tis  of  a  case  as  1  red  about  in  a  piece  ripport  won 
day  Lms  weak  of  one  thos.  CiummfQ  bein  pulled  up  afore  the  Beke  by 
the  Siatv  for  Perwensheao'  crulety  Tohaimimals.  luos  cuajikiwq  wur 
won  o'  tlic  Liciiis'd  sheppcrds  in  ihf  wiclorier  park  and  As  sitch  -vos  a 
gitlin  of  some  ship  into  a  slorterus  wereby  as  he  druv  each  jimmy  in  he 
took  and  snick'd  a  bit  off  is  ear  for  to  mark  im  wereby  tlie  Secretairy 
to  the  Crulety  Coves  as  im  Hup  at  washup  street  and  mjste.  Hasiuiiz. 
gives  im  £3  &  cosLia  or  3  WejLks. 

"llic  Paper  sed  CuAiwrNo  was  quit*  took  abak  at  bein  Acuscd  of 
crulety  for  sitch  a  thing  as  snickn  a  Shean's  Kar  and  (i'!r''i  ",^lce  no 
Seaorct  of  avrin  did  it  lie  only  done  he  sed  as  the  Bin  and 

he  wos  a  Custom'd  to  it  hall  is  Life  and  ad  No  idecr  bn  •>»  all 

rite  wen  lo  and  beold  yon  be  found  his  Self  in  for  thrc  pound  er 
3  weaks !  I ! 

ser  the  kirestshun  i  Beg  to  ax  yer  is  as  follcrs.    i  am  in  the  Canine 


in-fine-nipht  um.  bat  wc  have  no  doubt  the  reader  may  suggest  them  for !  ^^^^  *s  pcraps  you  Nose  and  as  fine  a  studd  both  toy  and  siHjrim  Tvo 
himself,  and  exert  his  acicnti6c  powers  in  IJnding  the  best  solution  he  '  K^**  "  >^*^^  Wish  to  sea.  Ow  about  crooin  a  dogg's  cars  if  doin  of  it 
can  of  such  ditficulties,  as  his  own  inventive  faculties  may  present  io  '°  *  "*'"?  i*  W"  the  lor?  Is  a  cove  oble?  d  to  let  his  t>ogg  be  spiled 
hini.     Wc  all  delight  in  home-made  articles,  and  we,  therefore  leave  the  1  ^^^  ^^^"^  *^'  **^  **  "^  ^"*y  *"^  ^^  ^P  ^  ^^  '^^  ^^  ^^  Noiliinx  for 


rf94er  to  ci^oy  the  cracking  of  a  few  nuts  of  his  own  growing. 


CAN  ANYTHING  BE  MORE  rNTOLER.\BLE  P 

Ak  American  author  (Dr.  Howard)  telU  us  most  seriously  in  his 
book,  which  rejoices  in  beiop  /frrr/^/iW  (/  fyt^iait  jVj^sirris,  that 
earthmhikes  in  cities  arc  owmtc  to  the  exertions  made  bvthc'over- 
loaded  carlli  to  get  rid  of  the  "intolerable  weight  of  buildfngs."  We 
doubt  this  Yankee  theory  very  much,  because,  ifit  were  true,  Trafalgar 
Square  would  he  in  a  constant  state  of  cacthqnakiam.  More  than  tms, 
not  a  nizht  woidd  pa3S  during  the  8e<i^'  "  v<')' 
bringing  forward  a  motion  for  an  adiouru 
effect  of  making  the  House  in^faiitTy  br 
considering  the  Sunday  Post.i^ 
the  Cambndge  Pension,  and  f'- 

ucss  done  this  year.that  no  builu;i;>r  »miu  mt*  ireineiiunus  wfi 
wc  all  know  exists  in  the  House  of  Commons,  has  lately  provcU  itself 
more  "intolerable  "  and  consequently  more  deserving  of 'the  honour  of 
an  earthquake.  Wo  almost  regret  that  Dr.  Howard's  theory  is  not 
based  unou  better  grounds,  but  perhaps  the  English  people  may  take 
t  he  earthquake  into  its  own  hands,  and.  by  a  strong  pressure  hxtm 
without/'  send  this  most  intolerable  building  to  llie  right  about. 


'I  au  earthquake 
I  would  have  the 

!'l  ^^v.  iinist  say, 
*sion, 
busi- 
t  which 


want  of  Cropin  is  Eers  wen  a  Pupy  or  if  so  be  he  Cropps  'em  dooin 
wot  he  likes  with  is  own  his  he  to  be  ad  up  for  crulety  and  Fin'd  or 
Kivodded?    au  answer  wit  obleeg  your  umljal  servint 

"  nu  Rode  Orgust  9  1S50  JIM  GaEans 

"  P.S.  A  prime  badjer  kepp  and  Ratts  allys  on  And  to  try  Doggs." 

*•*  Mb.  Gbeaves  will  perhaps  be  amazed  to  hear  that  the  law,  so 
far  from  regarding  the  end  proposed  in  cropping  a  dog's  cars,  namely. 
"Fitm,"  as  justiiring  the  means,  consideis  it  decidedly  in  the  light  of 
an  "  aggeravation  — as  he  would  say — of  the  offence. 


I 


your  9ame,  Princes." 

Whz\,  in  these  days,  a  cousin  Dvkr  of  CAMBRrnoE  appoints  to  his 
own  service  four  rcd-ooated  equerries,  and  three  blacV-c«ated  clergy- 
men, it  may  be  called,  on  the  part  oi  his  Royal  Highness,  rather  a 
bold  game  o(  JtoMge^t-S'oir. 


cook's  DTSCOVERrM. 

A  PROCESS  has  lately  been  invented  and  carried.  nsAr  *ss«xiKS«^  Va 
cooking  by  gas.    Tin's  may  indc«:d  V«.  cs^tA  ^^wt  Vrsssss^^  ^iX3ratow:\ 


BROWN,    JONES,    AND    ROBINSON.— AND    HOW    THEY    WENT    TO    A    BALL. 

(Pa»tIO 


■lowHj  loimy  Aim  ROsrisoK,  ninxo  KKoiiirip  xv  tniirxjios  -ru  a  balc,  avd  hot  bxuio  "u?"  in  thi  polka, 

TAKV   A    rXW    LXSSOaB    fROM    A    PROFEC80R. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


GLASS  HOUSES  OF  PAELL^MENT. 


FcKcH  io  JofiEPH  Fatiok,  Esq. 

YoD  call,  at  a  wotJ, 

the  impnrt'"T  m^n 


the 


country  from 


aU 


further 
^•n  of 


relieve 

■  liowu  by/1  !i"ra 

iluusca  of  Th  will 

iic\cr  UuUli  Am  stnicturo.    Twu  inillioua  ol'  . 
to  Btooe,  bricks,  and  mortar;  twi)  millions  i  , 

factory  pile.  And  as  it  w  now  liigh  tragic  ii;:ir  ui:u  -wr  ^iifii:iu  rraiiy 
think  of  houjiing  Lords  and  Coiuinojis,  (|uiokl>',  cheaply,  and  commo- 
diously— we  ask  of  you,  at  once  and  forthwith,  to  erect  for  tliem— two 
Glass  UouAea  of  PanJanient. 

Sir,  yoQ  can  do  H  in  &  morning.  You  Iiave  only  to  don  your  working 
coat ;  to  ctap  on  your  conaidcriiig  cap — that  pretty,  tasteful  ttiinff,  bent 
from  A  leaf  of  the  Victoria  Rtgia  and  the  raatter  is  done.  There;  drawn, 
made  manifest,  plain  to  even  the  lowest  cfUKncity  of  even  the  House* 
of  Lord^  or  CommoiLS,  ia  a  perfect  phin  ofthi)  structure;  a  crvstal 
senate- houAe,  fit  council-pliwic  for  human  senaloriiU  dir^solitcs.  \VhiIe  we 
write,  the  TOUB  proclaim  the  progress  of  Her  WAJTsxr,  on  her  way  to 
prorogue  the  Parliament.  Say  t  he  word,  Mil  Paxton,  shall  t  \w  CJojeen, 
Bcxt  Febnuiry,  open  the  new  Houses  of  Glass  ?  All  we  want  is  your 
promise.  For,  as  the  prjucely  Devonshirk  btaira  honouiiihlo  and 
nonouring  lei^timouy — *'Mk.  Faxiom  Ima  never  attempted  auvtliin^', 
which  he  h:is  not  succeeded  iu  fidly  ciurjing  out."  Sir,  witfi  your 
promine  given,  Mk.  Baruv  may  be  rw|uired  to  adapt  hl«  alniclurc  to 
the  future  wautsof  the  1'rince  op  Wales.  Tliis  will  a\\c  tlic  nrcliitcct 
RJiuthcr  uine  years  to  aceoiupli^h  his  work:  with  duo  allowaure  of 
time  to  accommodaUi  t!      '      .        .     .1      i         .^  .  mcncc  of  His 

Koyal  Highness.    An  1;  aud  ils  for 

Warlhorough  House,  k:   ..  - l  Gallery,  OTen 

aa  it  is. 

The  more  we  consider  the  plan,  the  more  \rr  are  convinced  of  its 
various  conditions  of  facility,  utdity,  and  economy.  With  the  Glass 
Housea  of  Parliament  determined  uiKm,  it  is  clrjir  Mk.  IUkuy  can 
oak  for  no  more  luooey.  Aa  it  is,  ho  proposes  to  himself  (we  know  this 
by  our  so  potent  art)  to  come  down  to  Parliament  for  a  grant  of  some 
£20,000  more  to  be  laid  out  iu  mu&k  and  attar  of  roses.  Mit.  Bakht 
has  read  in  the  oriental  book  of  the  sage  Eblia  Efpendt  (he  is  quoted 
by  SovTiiEY).  that  **in  Kara  Amed,  the  capital  of  Dtarbekr,  there  is  a 
mosgue  callod  Iiwiric,  built  bv  a  merotianf,  and  so  callod  because  the 
Dudaers  mixed  with  the  chalk  scveuty  Jttk  of  uiusk,  so  as  always  to 
perfume  the  building."  Moreover,  "  the  mortar  of  the  Mihranh  mosqne, 
Lariog  been  mixed  with  musk,  exhales  the  sweetest  perfume.'*  Now, 
it  bemff  notorious  that  the  New  Houses  of  Parliament,  in  so  far  as 
finished,  reek  horribly  of  that  dreadful  odour,  the  odour  of  jo6;  an  odour 
that  exhales  from  nearly  all  our  public  buildings— Mu.  Babby  may  feel 
the  further  outlay  of  £30,000  to  be  invested  in  perfumes  for  the 
nionar  still  to  be  trowelled,  as  absolutely  necessary  to  rendcT  the 
Houses  sweet  and  decent ;  to  make  them,  as  Paruamcnt  Houses. 
CTcn  habitable.  Now,  there  is  not  an  atom,  a  touch,  a  taint  of  job 
to  be  nosed  in  the  grant  of  a  house  to  the  Pkinck  op  VValks — 
an  anticipated  grant  of  nine  years  forward.  But  to  our  Parliament 
Honscs  01  Gbaa. 

Wg  all  know  the  hubbub  that  you,  Mb.  Paxton,  have  so  magically 
bushed.  Our  Park  vras  to  be  desecrated — torn  from  us.  The  turf— 
every  root  of  grass  intertwined  with  the  very  strings  of  the  hiKh-l>eatiug 
cocknev  heart— was  to  be  deatroyed  for  ever  and  for  ever.  The  nuuibcr 
of  bricks  bad  been  calculated— the  tons  of  raor(ai^-;-cven  the  miihon 
tinkliugs  of  tlie  future  trowels  had  been  nic<  1  xl— in  a  word, 

tho  Great  Lung  of  London  was  to  be  chok<  1  uleous,  huge, 

mountfonous  heap  of  burnt  clay — and  men,  so  t,'^<>>^  ><-*3  liicir  madness, 
looked  wildly  forwjvrd  to  Chancery  for  u  remedy. 

And  then — Jciseph  Paxto.v  nunc!  With  all  the  quietude  of  an 
aseured  power,  with  the  sereoitj'  of  practical  genius,  Paxton  unrolled 
Ilia  plan  before  the  CorumiMinii.  Tlicre  shoidd  be  no  brick— no 
nortar.    As  for  <'  >    <    '  y^  ^^^^  abomination  jniss  away, 

the  fading  fragnt-  i.ightmarc.     No;  the  structure 

that  should  cover  i... -^ ,.:..-     :    urld*s  iudii.'>try  shuuldliave  the 

lightness  of  crystal,  with  the  abiding  strength  of  iron.  And,  as  the 
projector  told  over  his  plan,  the  Commissinn.  with  much  relieved 
heads  and  sjiarklinK  eye^^-beheid  a  fairy  Te  i  ;,.  whole 

atnicturc  fitted,  witli  the  lituess  of  geometry  »  ;  Iculatcd 

With  the  minute  convictiou  of  arilhmctic.  Ami  i:\<-  1  rmuf  cUpt  his 
haoda  and  said — "  pAXtov,  go  forth  into  Hyde  Park ;  take  glass  and 
iron,  and— beauty  wedding  strength — produce  tho  IndustnalHall  of 
Katioaal" 

Ajirt  is  there  an  ardent  lioud9ncr  whoT-contemphious  of  his  late 
d  'V-k<and-mortar  innovation,  of  builder's  III:  <  >  ika  not 

t  iig  spring  for  something  brilliant  and  be.  rnething 

tii.ii,  1  '.vniug  and  glittering  in  llyde  Park,  shall  iuuk.  ii*,l-  i»  liuge 
ghbss  globe  blown  by  the  ooncentratod  breath  of  the  handred-headed 


Bbujueur,  ereiy  mouth  blowing  for  the  like  purpose,  and  with  (lie 
satoe,  accord  P 

This  done — for  we  consider  it  accomplished — we  entreat  yon,  Mb. 
Paxtox,  forthwith  to  send  in  your  plan  for  Glass  Houses  of  Parliament. 
Consider  the  IUdrss,  (he  si^milicance,  of  the  material — glass.  If 
interesting  and  bc^iutiful  to  writch  bees  at  work  io  a  glass  IJjTe,  how 
much  more  dciightftd  aud  instructive  to  see  M.  P.'s  atworii  in  a  glaas- 
housel  Houeybee  niul  MP.!  How  aptly,  too.  they  assirnxUte  in 
their  hibours  aud  their  objcols.  How  like,  too,  virgin  honey,  and 
vir^  Bills  and  Acts !  How  alike  composed  of  the  essences  of  remote 
(hings,  sweet,  aud  foodful,  and  enduring!  And,  as  thr  "  ""  'Ije 
noney-comb  is  a  triumph  of  the  limits  of  apace,  un  h\u  a- 

taining  so  much  with  so  little  lost,  so  is  an  Act  of  1  a 

constant  wonder  of  intellectual  cnndeusation :  no  sudi  aiti' 
and  nothing  cbe,  being  discoverable  upon  tue  same  supc: 


of  papyrus. 
Gla     " 


llaas  Houses  of  Parliament !    Ho  not  all  of  ua— all  the  represented — 

see  all  our  members  hard  at  work?— whilst  it  cinr- •  '■■    ' •- '  fo 

permit  the  unrepresented  the  unfortunate  crr/aturc^  rs, 

to  look  on  too.     How  :!rlii:hlfnl  to  wntrh  tho  art.  io 

mark  Disraeli,  c:  \\  his  gathered  honey. 

•'  "rtiiK!     A  UnjTU, 
Tlip  «ini<;um  of  lb  Udea  cblgfc ; 
How  ftatltol  jrel  oi  wiceitrr, 
Mrstartowly  runoie  aad  higbl" 

To  see  all  his  collected  wisdom  end  in  a  deep  cell !  How  fine  to  mark 
Paxmerston,  with  foreipn  wax,  Kuthered  from  Hymettus!  And  even 
should  his  Lordship  be  impeached,  as  he  may  jet  be,  for  throwing  optn 
tho  Thames  to  a  RusM^m  fleet,  bcnulifnl,  tuuler  a  gUss  hive,  to  mark 
the  ceremony  that  shall  doom  his  head:  ;(r  '  '  •'  fn  the  devotion  of 
his  adlierents,  (o  behold  the  renewed  Xeziophon-*'*  aad 

wiien  the  head  was  suspended,  and  becu:„.  ;  ...  s  a  swarm  of  beea 
(.idJ  members  of  the  Reform  Club)  entered  it,  and  hlied  it — with  honey- 
combs." 

And  as  a  crowning  spectacle  for  the  Out  of  Parliament  world,  how 
delightful  to  sec  the  Queen  Bee  Victoria  cuter  the  Gloss  House  of 
Parliament  and  for  n  season  ^end  nwny — as  she  is  now  doing  while  we 
write — all  the  bees  fond  drones)  to  Knglish  stubble  and  Highland  heather. 

Mr.  Paicton, — you  must  achieve  the  Glass  Houses  of  Parliament. 
Here  and  there,  as  vou  please,  you  can  insert  a  pane  of  magmfying 
power,  to  moke  any  favourite  minisTcr  look  n  greater  man  tlian  he  is; 
you  mav  further  have  all  the  arms  of  the  1  '  ' '  un  in  the  glass,  ol 
conrse  mowinj?  out  the  arms  of  Ouyrh  '  —indeed,  we  are 

so  conGdent  tn  your  ^uius  that  you  iu..j  4,..   i.  you  please,  if  you 

will  only  promise  to  budd. 

Glassiilousesof  Parliament  will,  with  a  triple  diadem  of  or>-5tal,  crown 
your  reputation.    Namely : — 

Your  Glass  Garden  of  Eden  at  Chataworth;  where  flourish  palma 
without  mltle*8nakea:  and  sugar-canes  with  no  yellow  fever. 

Your  Glass  Palace  lor  the  industrial  congress  uf  all  natiouB;  where 
all  the  world  will  come  to  school  (leaving  their  swords  and  bayonets  nl 
the  doorV  and  all  the  woHd  learn  of  one  another. 

Your  Qhuis  Houses  of  Parliament  (that  ntut  )ie)  in  whicli  statutes 
shall  be  made  with  so  much  Ught  iu  them  that,  like  Rtow-worma,  they 
will  be  lit  once  known  and  studied  by  their  own  radioucc 

Pray  do  this,  dear  Ma.  Paxtok,  and  accept  the  assurance  of  my 
highest  consideration. 

Joseph  Paxton,  Esq.  AnffuH  15, 1850. 


THE  SEA-SIHE  LODGmC-HOCSE  MARKET. 

ooD  front  parlours,  with  a  view  of  the  sea  from 
the  (jarret  windows,  arc  brisk  at  thirtv  shillings 
a-wcck,  and  a  "  bed  out "  is  oouBidcFea  a  capital 
lurn-np  at  half  n-crown  a-nig^ht.  Boots  on  the 
same  footing,  vis.,  9^.  per  pair.  Plate  is  sttU 
quoted  as  an  extra,  Thouffh  it  has  given  rise  to 
as  iiiaiiv    '1  -  the  river  of  tho  same  name, 

—for  t  i  ]id  the  lodging^-houac  keepers 

have  a  ^.^ l.tultr  iu  ogreemg  as   to  the 

real  boundary  of  the  Pl.itc.  The  latter  hiivc  a 
notion  that  llie  greatest  extent  it  ought  to  run 
to  is  hidf-a-dozen  tea-spoons  aud  a  cou^ilc  of 
forks;  whereas  Uic  fomierdemaiid  very  projierly 
an  extension,  and  threaten  to  leave  ifthc  lodging. 
hou3c  keepers  ottempt  to  show  theui  any  of  their 
Britannia  metal.  Linen  is  still  u^cd  in  sprcat" 
out  the  bill,  though  many  persons  object  to  the  dearucss  of  f  tie  tprci 
and  cry  out  ugamst  a  dinner  in  which  the  pUte  and  linen  cost  them 
almost  as  much  as  the  dinner  itself.  Drawing-rooms  range  from  three 
to  five  guineas  a-wcck,  but  the  price  rises  wiln  a  balcony  that  faces  the 
"  briny  ocean." 
There  is  a  demand 


for  small  honaoa,  though  tho  denuucA.  Kxnaats^ 


4 
4 


\ 


Vol.  XIX.— IB&a 


-^^^  •cw*. 


* 


\ 


initanUy  the  pric«  wmtcd  ia  ImowiL  Mutton  u  tenpeDoe  a  pound,  bat 
M  one  hilf  i»  idwHj-s  lost  in  the  cooking— for  the  s^  axr  aJways  has 
that  dfect  npOT  meat— it  may  rather  be  said  to  be  twenty-pence. 
Beef  i8  exceedingly  dear,  for,  owing  to  the  heat  of  the  weathw,  it 
is  fonnd  impowihle  to  keep  it  longer  than  one  day.  Towto  arc  com- 
paratively cheap  at  fonr  shillinga  a  pair,  bnt  it  \a  not  considered 
adrisable  to  buv  too  many,  unless  the  lady  of  tlie  house  goes  hmelf  to 
market,  for  the'breed  of  marine  fowls  are  MnerallT  discorered,  when 
brought  to  table,  to  have  but  one  leg.  Mustard,  sapenoe  a  day. 
Fnii,  rery  smaU,  and  very  dear.  A  pound  of  plunu  goes^  no  way 
t<mards  making  a  tart— for  so  much  is  wasted  m  the  cooking,  that 
when  the  crust  is  opened  there  is  found  to  be  nothing  inaide  but  a  tea- 
cup fdU  of  juice.         __ 

SCIENCE  TTT^Afi  OVER  HEELS. 

A  XKwararzR  report  tells  us  tliat  on  enthusiast  attending  the 
meetmg  of  the  British  Association,  desirona  of  testing  the  merits  of  a 
newly  inveuted  article,  called  a  "  Safety  Stocking,"  plunged  headlong 
from  the  Newhaven  Pitr,  rplying  only  upon  the  virtue  of  the  stockings 
in  question.  His  Ufe  was  thus  lulowed  to  hang— not  perhaps  on  a  single 
thread— but  on  a  small  (juanlity  of  cotton.  We  do  not  see  how  safety 
stockings  can  be  of  any  use  in  water,  unless  to  an  enthusiastic  saraiUt 
to  whom  it  may  be  immaterial  whether  be  is  standing  upon  his  bead  or 
hia  heels— and  it  ia  pretty  clear  that,  vrith  a  pair  of  hose  not  calculated 
to  sink,  the  heels  of  the  wearer,  when  in  the  water,  most  have  been 
uppermost. 

It  is  to  be  regn-ited  that  there  was  no  Pqm  Asinonm  at  Newhaven 
from  which  the  leap  conid  have  been  made,  for  this  was  all  that  could 
bare  been  required  to  complete  the  character  of  the  experiment. 


A  GOOD  TUEN  FOR  TOURISTS. 

LWAYS  iu  starting  for  a 
tour  there  is  something 
tobcdone  besides  pack- 
ing one's  luggage ;  you 
must  not  oiuy  make  up 
your  portmanteau,  or 
your  carpet-bag,  as  the 
case  — we  mean  the 
packing-case — may  be, 
but  you  must  make  up 
your  mind  where  to 
take  it  to.  The  plea- 
sure-seeker is  nowtom 
by  80  many  various  st- 
tractious,  that  the  diffi- 
culty of  deciding  be- 
tweeuthemidl  isaLnost 
insurmountable.  He 
has  made  up  his  mind 
to  go  humbly  to  Heme 
Bay,  or  modestly  to 
Margate,  when  be  sud- 
denly finds  a  set  of 
boardmcn  performing 
a  sort  of  pa9  defaacina- 
Hon  before  him,  and 
brandishing  before  Ids 
eyes  huge  placards. 
inviting  bim  to  make 
one  of  several  hundreds 
in  an  "Excursion  to 
Paris  and  back,  for 
Thirty  Shillings.'^  He 
has  just  allowed  hhn- 
self  to  be  allured  by  tliia  prouiise  of  Contiuental  travel  at  a  startlingly 
low  figure,  when  a  sort  of  demon  of  discord  comes  forward,  in  the  shape 
of  an  emusanr  of  a  rival  line^  unfurling  before  the  dist^aded  eyeball  of 
the  Duzaled  hoLiday-snker  a  gigantic  poster,  bidding  him  "  trip  it  merrilv" 
to  '^Southampton  and  back,  for  three  shillings.*'  Turning  away  be- 
wildered from  the  sifcht,  he  is  about  to  weigh  the  merits  of  the  two  tours 
presented  to  his  notice,  when  there  comes  upon  him  like  a  tlimider-clap 
with  a  terri6o  bang—  Bangor  and  back,  for  a  Guinea."  He  is  about 
to  rush,  in  the  enthusiasm  of  the  moment,  across  the  road  for  a  pro- 
spectuSf  when  his  way  is  suddenly  impeded  by  a  monster  ran.  suggestive 
of  a  tnp  to  the  Rhine,  in  the  course  of  which  almost  evei^thing  is  to 
be  seen  for  almost  nothing,  and  all  kinds  of  advantages,  including  little 
leak  than  a  personal  intToductton  to  all  the  sovereigns  of  all  the  States 
the  excursionists  pass  through,  arc  to  be  had  at  the  very  lowest  figure. 
If  relief  from  so  much  perplexity  is  sought  in  a  consultation  of  the 
oolunms  of  the  newspapers,  the  would-be  tourist  is  immediately  whirled 


about  from  Hombnrg  to  Bamborg,  from  Broadstairs  to  Badea-Badea, 
from  Bamsgate  to  tte  Bhine,  from  Heidelberg  to  Heme  Bay,  and  he 
rises  from  the  perusal  of  the  adrertisementa  with  his  head  in  the  stale 
of  a  map  that  baa  becai  cut  to  pieces,  and  had  all  its  part«  whakfQ 
together  in  a  cab-hone's  nose-bag.  "  Oh,  where  f  and  oh,  where  F  "  « 
the  universal  cry  of  every  one  who  has  a  few  days  to  spare  for  goiag 
somewhere  or  other,  but  who  get  the  old  incoherent  or  rkther  esbo* 
herent  answer,  "  Where,"  which  is  the  established  circular  sent  by  wagr 
of  reply  to  all  enquiries  that  are  not  easily  responded  to. 

We  have,  however,  hit  upon  a  plan  which  we  think  will  save  a  great 
deal  of  trouble  to  manjr  a  vacillatmg  holidav-maker,  who  mar  in  future 
select  his  trip  by  shutting  his  eyes  and  pricldng  with  a  pin  tnc  circle  of 
which  a  plan  is  attached  to  this  article.    To  many  it  matters  Utexallj  not 


a  pin  where  Ihcy  go,  and  it  is  quite  propr,  ii 
scarcely  a  pin  to  choose,  the  choice  snould 


therefore,  that,  where  there  la 

be  left  to  the  pin  in  the 


mode  we  hare  snggcstca.    ui  cours^  u         _ 

further  off  than  the  tourist  can  afford  to  go.  He  will  feci  his  conscience 

Erick  aa  well  as  the  pin,  and  he  will  thus  be  deterred  from  what  wrould 
e  otherwise  an  act  of  culpable  extraraganoe.  At  the  railway  termini, 
from  which  a  variety  of  plaoes  may  be  reached,  it  might  he  as  well  to 
keep  a  bcnrd  with  a  kind  of  needle  or  arrow  appended  to  it,  which  the 


ngers  might  be  invited  to  twirl  for  the  purpose  of  fixing  their 
The  scheme  has  been  found  to  answer  with  gingf 
nutSj  and  why  should  it  not  be  equally  popular  when  applied  to 


travelling  P 


finger-bread 
railway 


Wanted  a  Profeaaon 


Aw  undergraduate  at  one  of  the  universities— we  won't  say  which, 
for  wc  only  make  ci^,  but  do  not  undertake  to  fit  them  on — has  written 
to  request  our  aid  in  finding  for  hiiu  the  "Professor  of  Iaw,"  whose 
services  our  correspondent  much  desires,  being  naturollv  anxious  to 
"learn  sometbiiig  for  liis  money."  We  know  noDctter  method  Uiat  our 
would-be  studious  correspoudcnt  can  adopt  for  attaining  his  obgect,  <him 
by  inserting  in  the  papers  an  advertisement,  expressing  a  hope  that  the 
Law  Professor  will  soon  return  to  his  disconsolate  pupils,  and  inti- 
mating that  all  will  be  forgiven,  as  all  has  been  already  forgotten,  1^ 
those  who  happened  to  know  anything. 


Policena^n  in  the  ZUst 


It  seems  to  be  tne  destiny  of  the  Police  force  to  keep  perpetually 
"Moving  on."  They  are  themselves  the  pioneers  in  obeying  the 
directions  they  are  always  giving  to  others.  Recent  advices  inform  ua 
of  PoUcemen  having  bera  established  at  Constantinople,  where  the 
British  Bull's-eye  yr^  henceforth  throw  a  light  on  the  mysteries  of 
crime,  and  the  British  truncheon  smo-sh  the  turban  of  Turlush  lurbu- 
lencc.  The  "drunk  and  incapable"  mufti  will  now  find  himself 
compelled  to  "  move  on,"  and  the  hard,  uncomfortable  stretcher  will  be 
the  mte  of  the  luxurious  Ottoman  who  has  been  living,  "  not  wisely, 
but  too  weU."  '• 


THE    TOURNAMENTS    OF    5MITHFIELD. 

A,  D.  1360. 

sa  moiikfl  look  sour  oiul 
aulkv  in  the  cells  of 
eooa  RjuiZEt : 

l3*t  thnt  yesterday  thcr 
fasted,  on  lentils  uul 
amikll  beer  P 

•Is 't  that  the  father  eel- 

^  lorer's  last  malting  hath 
gone  wrong  ? — 

That  bO  yellow  are  their 
phizoga,  and  »o  glum 
their  matin  song  ? 

Sound  is  the  beer,  their 
usual  cheer  the  bocchen 
trenchers  hold ; 
Tliey  haven't  been  and  fasted  more  strictly  than  of  old ; 
The  salt  Ung  isn't  harder  than  most  salt  Img  you  '11  see ; 
The  eggi  ha?e  been  as  frcah  as  London  eggs  can  hope  to  be ; 

A  roaring  trade  in  mosses  St.  BartholomeVa  haa  driven ; 
The  buxom  City  madams  haTB,  as  usual,  sinned  and  shriven; 
Where  t  hr  imageof  St.  Alphage's  winked  three  times,  theira  winked  four- 
Then  what  IS  it,  yc  worthy  monks,  your  pious  souls  doth  bore? 

Tis  that,  all  through  yesternight,  ihej  could  neither  sleep  nor  pray, 
for  the  noise  in  neighbouring  Smithneld  of  the  hammers  busy  play ; 
All  night  perpetual  pot-boys  were  aerring  out  strong  beer ; 
There  was  swearing,  and  much  language  which  mcmks  ought  not  to  hear. 

Against  the  dawn  they  're  fenced  the  lawn  with  palisadoes  toll ; 
By  the  east  ante  the  Aoyal  state,  of  purple  and  of  pall : 
And  the  cbaUengers*  paTilions,  with  streamers  blaxoned  gay — 
Kise  Edward  noldeui  touniey  for  Aucr  Fans  to-day. 

Gay  aquirea  to  breathe  great  horses  are  pricking  all  about ; 
And  armourers  from  AJdgate  and  Cbeoe  are  hurrying  out ; 
And  heralds  in  their  tabwds  points  of  oUzon  are  diseussing ; 
And  early  burghers  shaking  hands,  and  burghers'  wives  a-buasing. 

Holidar  troops  are  flocking  in,  tlirough  the  sauares  of  garden-erouiid, 
From  uie  City,  and  from  Westminster,  and  tnc  Tillages  arouna : 
From  the  Mav-flowcred  lanes  of  Islington,  the  fields  of  fair  St.  Giles, 
They  group  about  the  greensward,  and  gossip  at  the  stiles. 

And  cluster  round  the  measured  lists,  as  thick  as  bees  in  swarm, 
And  hear  well  pleased  the  armourers*  clink  as  the  good  knights  tiiey  arm ; 
And  note  the  mrds  that  stately  ridf,  retaiucrs  at  their  back  : 
With  bent  bows  and  bright  badges,  in  morion  and  jack. 

A  rain-bow  sea  of  satin-hoods,  a  foam  of  snowy  necks ; 

Smiles  and  shecp's^yes,  and  greetings,  and  laughs,  and  nods,  and  becks ; 

Oar  gallants,  steady  ciiizens.  with  pouch  and  sober  gown ; 

And  guards  employed  in  pulling  small  boys  from  barriers  down, 

A  shattering  blast  of  trumpets — a  murmur  imd  a  rush — 

And  then  a  sudden  holding  of  the  breath  in  solemn  hush. 

And  then  a  burst  of  welcome  that  makes  the  welkin  ring. 

To  the  cry  of  twenty  thousand  English  tliroats,  "  God  save  the  King  t  " 

Sixty  esquires  of  honour  first  on  barded  hones  riding  * 
Then  sixty  ladies  daintily  their  milk-white  nal&«yB  nuding ; 
Each  leaduDg  by  a  silver  chain  an  armed  ana  helmAd  Enight, 
And  a  noise  of  many  minstreb,  and  heralds  tabard-dight ; 

Then,  under  state  of  cmmoisy,  doth  stout  Kixo  Edwajld  ride. 
Fair  Alice  Pubs,  the  lady  ol  the  Tourney,  at  bis  side ; 
Bold  faced  and  bluff  his  greeting  to  the  crowd  that  shout  aceUim, 
And  sweet,  though  somewhat  sod  withal,  the  smiling  of  his  dame. 

They  seat  them  in  the  Royal  aeat,  and  the  challenge  it  sounds  forth. 
From  the  four  trumpets,  to  the  east,  and  west,  and  south,  and  north ; 
The  Knights-adventurers  ride  in, — each  strikes  the  opponent's  shield ; 
The  tilt^  began— «  course  is  run— a  knight  rolls  on  tno  field. 

The  gazers  about — the  trumps  ring  out — another,  and  anottier ; 
The  umoea  fly,  the  dust  rides  high,  the  lists  are  in  a  smother ; 
The  summer  day  they  joust  away,  and  the  poor  monks  at  prayers 
Scarce  keep  their  thoughts  from  wandering,  their  eyes  from  sinful  stares ; 

Until  the  dewy  night  couies  down  upon  the  trampled  pUin, 
When  with  torch  and  flariw  cresset  rides  back  tne  Royal  train ; 
And  the  chroniclers  may  nib  their  pens  to  tell  to  after  years 
How  in  SmithfieM  bluff  Kno  Edwxrd  held  a  joust  for  Alice  Fmu. 


Nobody  has  had  anv  sleep  the  length  of  Goswell  Hoad  ; 
All  are  awake  in  John  Street,  though  no  carlv  cock  haih  crowed ; 
Through  the  broad  street  of  Farringdon  the  Surehers  arc  alert ; 
Upon  Snow  Hill  no  shopkeeper  but  is  pallid  as  his  shirt. 

To-night  it  is  a  Sunday  night,  but  the  sounds  that  strike  the  ear 

Are  an> tiling  but  proper  sounds  for  Sunday  night,  I  fear; 

Not  thy  old  note,  fair  Priory,  of  Avcs  and  of  Patera, 

But  the  uoise  of  brutes  in  hooves  and  horns,  and  brutes  in  leathern  guters. 

Smiihfield  haUi  still  her  tournaments  whereof  to  tell  in  thyme ; 
But  now-A-days,  men  are  not  fiense  as  in  the  elder  time ; 
And  gentler  manners  we  can  boast,  since  the  rude  age  is  gone 
Wlien  knighta  could  skewer  each  other,  and  ladies  could  look  on. 

Our  gallant  knights  are  pricking  still— but  it  ia  oxen's  flanks  ■ 
The  lusty  sanirca  thev  still  bear  staves— to  welt  the  kyloes'  sliauks ; 
One  drover  gainst  a  iiundred  calves  they  battle  on  the  plain ; 
With  fearless  breast  and  goad  in  rest  the  sheep  they  cl^rge  amain. 

The  stalwart  knacker's  man  moves  on,  hia  grim  face  set  in  frown ; 
Pole  axe  in  fist  that,  with  a  twist,  can  fetch  a  "  wet  *un  "  down  i 
In  azure  vest-  with  shiny  crest,  the  carcase-butcher  'a  there. 
His  apron  red  with  gore  new  shed,  hia  chopper  bright  and  bare. 

Kow  range  ye,  knights-adventurers— the  challengers  arc  nigh— 

The  droves  of  pantuxg  oxen,  footsore  and  red  of  eye ; 

With  angry  low,  hall-blind  they  go— now,  nUnnts,  who  demurs 

To  show  a  aqueamiah  world  bow  Smithfield  drovera  win  their  spurs  f 

Dig  in  tbeur  flanks,  smash  at  their  shanks,  hit  hard  upon  their  horns- 
Show  how  the  cry  of  '*  Cruelty  "  the  Smithficld  gallant  scorns— 
With  lusty  knocks  teach  each  dull  ox  the  road,  and  if  he  fail 
While  on  the  stones  make  ye  no  bonen  to  twist  his  stubborn  t^il. 

A  pleasant  sight  for  Sunday  nigh*  is  this— a  glorious  thing ; 
See  them  ooerc&  with  goad  and  curse,  tlie  oxen  in  a  ring ; 
With  battering  blows  upon  the  nose,  and  hauiis  that  push  bcb' 
Andtonguesthat  swear,  and  Unka  that  ghirc,  and  throttling  ropes  that «.. 

Stout  and  serene  upon  the  scene  the  aldermen  look  down ; 
The  manly  game  with  pleased  acclaim  and  mild  appUuse  they  crown ; 
And  talk  with  sneers  of  by-gone  years,  around  their  City  feasts, 
When  men  tilted  at  each  other,  and  not  at  homed  beasts  I 


A  TURKISH  BISHOP. 


Under  the  head  of  "Oxford  Intelligence,"  it  was  staled  the  other 
day,  in  the  Timej,  that — 

*■  TIm  Dmoop  of  Eutidl,  It  U  uld,  la  Uklug  itep*  to  bring  Hb.  Ooaaui  btfon  Um 
Arclin'  (Umrt,  fur  bcruy,  u  held  ftod  UUf  bl  ta  hi*  book." 

Really,  the  right  reverend  prelate  might  be  content  with  the  high 
ground  which  he  has  taken  in  order  to  pull  down  Mr.  Qobham,  without 
straining  to  reach  him  by  taking  steps  to  boot.  Should  he  prosecute 
that  gentleman  for  publishing  an  heretical  work,  he  will  give  occasion 
to  the  saying,  that  since  he  bad  failed  in  the  endeavour  to  bring  Mr. 
GoRHAJC  to  Dook,  he  had  rnolvcd  to  bring  the  book  to  M.B.  Goehax. 
Thia  remark,  of  course,  will  be  made  in  comparative  alluaion  to  the 
story  of  Mahomit  and  the  mountain ;  and  people  will  add,  that  they 
did  not  know  that  Hznkt  £x£T£B  was  such  a  Turk  before. 


A  Novelty  in  TraTelling. 

TiUE  Edinburgh  newspapers  contain  advertisements  of  "Cheap 
I  Excursions  to  I^ndon,  and  dadk  affain"  We  do  not  think  the  latter 
I  part  of  the  advertisement  will  be  any  great  temptation  to  Scotchmen  to 
join  the  excursion,  however  cheap,  >iow  if  the  advertisement  had  said 
^'  Cheap  Excursions  to  London,  and  not  to  come  back  B^&ii^"  it  would 
have  been  much  more  to  the  tastes  and  habits  of  travelling  Scotchmen ; 
and  we  doubt  if  the  Railway  oompany  would  have  been  able  to  provide 
sufficient  carriages  for  the  extraordinary  number  of  applicants. 


FUNCa'a  ULBOVB  L06T. 

We  have  been  requeated  by  a  Cantab,  who  is  discontented  with  the 
carriages  on  the  Eastern  Counties  BJulway,  to  "smash"  the  saul 
carriages  forthwith.  We  should  be  sorry  to  mterferu  with  an  occupa- 
tion which  used  to  be  understood  was  always  left  to  the  servants  of  the 
company.  

Thb  ErrECTs  op  Free  Trade.— Pauperism  ia  diminishing;  the 
hungry  ore  fed,  the  naked  clad,  and— the  Wbiga  have  a  sd&flus. 

**  LfiTTEfiJU)  Ease."- The  Catalogue  of  the  British  Museum, 


BROWN,  JONES,  AND    ROBINSON.— AND    HOW  THEY  WENT  TO  A   BALL7    CPor 


tDlS   DRAWIVO    RKTBlMSKTS   MK.  30KVA  AT  THK  MOMIXT   VRSN  HI   WAI 
nDKCIPBD   AB  TO   WBIOU  Of  TOAT  IbOV  01   WOVLD  JJX  TO   HAMOl. 


U0BUI80II    U  lUSS  BU!I    901   05LT   AJIUSIHO   OIXSII^, 
AJUUBEVBJIT  TO   OTOJUa. 


*  MM  IHITK— lUL.  VXOTV, 


itQunrsox  nraoLDi  brows  polbhtq,  ikb  oh  \  now 

n«   WI8BB8  tl«  lUD    TUB  CuUJUOB  TO  IK)  IT. 


D110WB8ITS  VriTB  HER  UPOK  TBB  BTliBtf, 
"TUB  OOOUtlSa  TUBBB    IB  W   DBUCIOVL 


numo  MBiTiouB  07  BOvniBON.  TDiBsciira  rox  iob,  mtM.  biobt 


TUB  rABTBBS   OB  JOtTBd'a  ArrBOTlOBS   BBTin)  CABBIBD   Oft    BT   A    BXATT 
PAAOOOff,   HB  <JOIIBa)   BATM  TO!  WOUB  rSOM  THAT    Vomon: 


*-±.-f'i-i?t-Nti 


va  BBXT  m  BUI  At  nrrpuu 


VBAT  THB  BBATT  »BAO»0a  CTC  9»  WOWm  IB   lIB   WlATff:   lol 
«B*T>      RBCKLVa     WITH      SATKBD.    JIALOOST.      AITD     OtlAMTA^ra. 
KATOIO    IITTIMATBD  TBAT    JXM   TTlB    A    "  ^""b  " 


LORD  JOHN  SHUTTING  UP  SHOP. 


OVSCOirriOUBLT 

▼e  always  ns«d 
to    look    upon 
the  law  of  Eng- 
liad  aa  ibo  very 
acmfe  of  theim* 
intelligible,  and 
we  were  actruS' 
tomed  to  thinlc 
that   mysiilica- 
tion   could    no 
further  go, when 
it  had  taken  the 
shape  of  a  de- 
cree in  Equity. 
Our    sttentioa 
hu,     however, 
been  called  to  a 
recent     Scotch 
judgment  —  or 
int^rloruitioD  aa 
it  ia  lermea— 
pronounced  by 
one      of      the 
learned  Jud^s  who  preside  in  the  superior  Courts  at  Edinburgh.    It 
*ct5  out  with  the  following  intricate  labyrintli  of  words,  from  which, 
after  scratching  ourselves  nearly  to  pieces  among  the  brambles  of 
obscurity,  we  emerge  in  as  blessed  a  state  of  ignorance  as  we  were 
in  when  wc  made  our  first  rush  into  the  maze,  wtiich  we  now  invite 
the  venturesome  reader  to  dash  at. 


"  Tb«  Lord  Ordtnarr  htvlDi 
nupcDilon  and  interdict,  mat 


heard  puUM*  proeanton  oo  Ibe  «eiOoiiw4  imweiwu  of 

Ut*r,  ann  tfiemiftor  made  Briuodam,  And  coo- 


d««1anlnr, 
ildertd  tbfl  closed  record  prodacUoiui  and  prooeetllngt." 

Wo  here  leave  off  fur  a  moment  to  allow  the  taking  of  breath ;  and 
we  beg  leave  to  ask  in  the  joint  names  of  Lindlet  MtTEBAT.  Doctor 
JoDNSOK,  poor  old  DiLWORTii,  the  two  Mavors,  father  and  aon, 
Mn5.  Barbaitu) — her  of  the  hymns,  wc  mean— and  Mm.  T&nniER, 
what  it  all  means.  As  a  "process  of  8us]>enaion  *  is  spoken  of,  wc 
presume  of  course  that  the  judgment  relates  to  a  hanging  matter ;  but 
fartlicr  than  this,  we  are  not  prepared  to  go.  The  "interlocution" 
then  proceeds  Ihus: — 

"Id  the  BUSpDCflon  and  inlerdict  repelB  the  reaaons  or  •oipenaloti  (Iho  culprit,  it 
wenu,  li  aoL  to  be  baoRed)  and  dlacemi ;  and  In  the  declarator  iTiiitains  tbe  defences, 
aaaoililoa  tbe  defcodor  mnn  the  whole  eondoalana  of  tbo  libel,  aad  dlaeenu." 

Here  we  must  pause  again,  lest  against  the  extreme  hardness  of  the 
words,  we  "  dash  out  our  desperate  brains."  What  does  the  learned 
judge  mean  by  "  tuioiliftinp  a  nefcnHer  r"  Is  it  a  gcntcci  way  of  saving, 
"  gets  him  out  of  the  sod,  or  *'  picks  him  out  of  the  mire,"  or  "  helps 
him  when  stuck  in  the  mud?"  Wcwill  not  "pause  for  a  reply,"  becauae 
we  might  just  as  well  keep  our  pause  off:  but  we  proceed  to  wfaaJt  the 
Lord  Ordinary,  in  his  great  diaccmmeni,  says  tnat  he  "discerns." 
Well  then,  he 

"  Finda  tbe  nuMndara  and  panmen  Uab)«  to  expeoMa  fWbat!  bntb  ildea  pay  la 
Scotland,  do  ihaf  f]  of  the  oot^olDed  acllmi,  allovlng  an  aceonnt  tbereirf'  to  be  ^ven  In 
and  remlta  the  aanie  [Oh,  hot  Then  tlw  Judge  himaeU  paya  the  cwata,  doea  he?  Oh 
yea,  certainly,  for  be  *  remits  ike  tame  ']  to  tbe  auditor  to  tax  and  report 

We  have  a  great  mind  to  have  this  Scotch  judgment  hungup  in  the 
window  of  our  office  in  Fleet  Street,  like  the  patent  lock  in  Bhamah's 
window,  with  an  intimation  that  whoever  can  produce  a  key  to  it  shall 
feceivo  a  reward  of  Five  Hukdhxp  Pounds — of  AVall's  End  coals. 
We  have  seen  in  our  day  a  large  assortment  of  Chancery  decisions, 
which  would  have  justified  any  non-profesaional  parties  in  resorting  to 
a  half-crown  or  a  halhicimy  to  toss  up,  for  the  purpose  of  determining 
wnich  aide  bad  ja:ainea  the  advantage,  but  tlus  Scotch  "interlocution 
makes  our  Engbsh  equity  a  simple  sort  of  iHaltcr,  in  comparison  to  the 
intricacies  in  which  wc  liavc  found  ourselves  entangled  iust  uow.  We 
can  only  exclaim,  "  Well,  wc  never.  Loud  Bkougiiam,  aid  you  ever  P  " 
We  arc  sure  Lord  Bbououam  will  adniit  that  "  No,  he  never."  and  we 
hope  his  Lordship  never  may  have  to  sit  upon  such  a  case  in  the  way  of 
appeal.  


Tbe  Sunday  Poat  Delivery. 

A   PJEAV. 


Coct-a-doodle-doo ! 
The  Sabbatarian  crew. 
Our  letters  that  stopp  d, 
At  but  have  been  woopp'd ; 
For  which  thank — you  know  who  \ 


Too  Horrible  to  Cohtemplate  !— If  a  lad>'  who  hesitate*  is  lost, 
what  must  it  then  be  for  a  hidy  who  stammers  or  stutters ! 


A  MONUMENT  TO  LORD   ASHLEY. 

Yestejldat  will  long  be  remembered  in  the  annals  of  the  lilrro  d'oro 
of  the  Beadle  of  Eieter  Hall.  There  never  haa  been  such  u  meeting  in 
the  memory  of  the  oldest  Sabbatarian  -,  and  it  was  confidently  propue- 
Eied  that  Time  may  stand  upon  tiptoe  to  watch  tlie  advent  of  such 
another  and  never  behold  it. 

It  is  the  peculiar  felicity  of  a  grand  idea  to  beget  a  number  of  smaller 
notions,  bearing  <ome  resemblance  to  the  ori^al  thought.  Alike,  but 
very  dilTercnt.  Thus,  it  was  no  sooner  (ietcrmined  to  erect  a  monument 
to  the  benevolent  geiiina  of  a  great  statesman:  of  a  man  who,  whilst  he 
patronised  the  cheap  loaf,  did  not  loftily  cst^cw  the  patronage  of  art 
and  letters, — than  a  monument  was  tictennined  for  his  late  lioyal 
Highness  the  DuKB  OP  Cambridge  ;  a  monument,  as  it  now  fippeflis, 
put  off  until  next,  season,  in  consideration  of  tlie  calls  upon  Porbojncnt! 
D^'  ^rrouse  and  tbo  (icnnaa  spas.  In  the  meantime,  the  architects  oi 
England  have,  until  February  next,  to  mature  their  deaigms  for  a  monu- 
ment to  departed  royalty,  whose  peculiar  goodness  it  was — boldly 
avouched  Lobd  Geosvenor — to  have  subscribed  every  minute  of  time, 
and  every  farthing  of  money,  towards  the  neceasitiea  of  human  nature. 
To  etermse  such  a  fame  (when  duly  proved,  as  no  doubt  it  will  be  when 
the  shooting  season  ends),  will  tax  to  the  highest  the  creative  genias  of 
England's  srulntiiral  worthies.  In  a  while,  and  progressing  at  the  rate 
we  have  travelled  for  the  past  mouth,  monuments  will  start  into  stony 
existence,  rapidly  as  mushrooms. 

Lobd  Ashi^y  is  to  have  a  monument;  and  his  Lordship  deserves 
one.  It  was  this  deep  conviction  of  his  merits — a  ronriction  throbbing 
at  tbe  hearts  of  his  admirers— that  ycsterdoy  filled  Kxetcr  Hall  with 
the  elect  of  the  wicked  City  of  London,  mthercd  together  to  pay 
homage  to  the  bold  and  subtle  genius  ol  that  "  uious  and  excellent 
noblemnn,"  os  the  Tiutrs  llecringly  called  him,  who  "stole  a  march 
upon  Parliament*'  on  the  day  of  the  Dcrb)*,  to  shut  up  tbe  Sunday 
post-oflice ;  and.  with  the  dexterity  of  a  professor  of  (he  peracculed  art 
of  pea-nnd-thimDlc,  worked  a  work  of  zealous  holiness. 

The  rhair  wns  taken  by  Mil.  De  Newgatk,  who  called  upon  every 
really  pious  man  with  a  heart  in  his  breast  and  a  shilling  iu  his  pocket 
to  come  forward  with  his  sixpence.  They  would  build  such  a  mtmu- 
ment  to  the  good  intentions  of  the  noble  and  pious  lord,  tlmt  an 
admiriug  posterity  should  go  dovra  upon  its  knees  to  it.  Their  oppo- 
ncnts  had  flung  it  in  their  teeth  that  a  certain  place,  to  which  at  that 
meeting  it  was  not  necessary  for  him  more  particularly  to  allude,  M'aa 
paved  with  good  btcntions;  hr,  however,  came  nut  tliere  to  dwrll  upon 
the  enlargement  of  that  pavement,  but  to  propose  a  monument  to  good 
intentions.  Lono  Ashlet  had  been  defeated  (yr(w«),  wickedly 
defeated  by  a  mammon-loving  Government :  but  hia  Lordship's  inten- 
tions  remained  the  same :  Ke  would  not  only  nave  gone  the  whole  hog, 
but  have  compelled  every  man,  woman,  and  chilu^  to  wear  a  Sunday 
inner  garment  of  fts  bristles.     {ChMrs.) 

Mr.  Sleeklocks  rose  to  move  a  resolution.  For  his  own  part,  he 
wished  to  express  to  the  noble,  the  heroic,  hut  defeated  lord,  the  pious 
admiration  of  his  disdples  in  the  most  significant  aad  touching  material 
— of  course  he  meant  gold.  The  iniquitous  Sunday  IcttcT-debvcry  had 
been  stopped.  A  sinner  under  sentence  of  death  had  been  reprieved ; 
but— the  mail-bag  remaining  at  the  Post-Office — the  evil-doer  was  for 
the  day,  kept  in  ignorance  of  the  mercy;  and  thereupon  had  his 
thoughts  directed  as  they  ought  to  be ;  whereas,  had  the  sinful  post 
ran  upon  that  day,  the  malefactor  would  have  been  rejoicing.  Mb.. 
Slebklocks  thought  that  a  handsome  gold  ink-stand  in  tie  shape  of  % 
death's-head  should  be  presented  to  Lord  Asulet  in  commemoxatiou 
of  his  triumph— a  triumph  to  be  renewed  next  session — {Cheen) — over 
the  carnal  authorilies  of  St.  Marliii's-lc-Grand. 

Mk.  Phospqob  thought  a  lucifcr-box.  dclicatclr  chased  with  the 
armorial  bearings  of  his  Ijordship,  would — to  use  tne  express  words  of 
the  speaker—"  find  an  echo  in  the  heart  of  every  genuine  Sabbatarian." 

Here  ensued  a  long  and  desultory  conversation,  which  it  is  needless 
to  report.  We  shall  therefore  omit  all  details,  coming  at  once  to  the 
determination  of  the  meeting,  which  was,  namely — 

To  erect,  immediately  oppo&ite  to  the  rost-OfUcc.  an  oboUsk  to  the 
memory  of  Lobd  Ashley's  fleeting  triumph,  made  oi  the  very  beat  and 
most  enduring  bhu:ic  sealing-! 


From 
"Dear  PimcH,— I  say ' 


a  Very  Old  Friend. 


4 


,  _     old  fellow, — you  don't  appear  to  have  any 

rtfflar  Poef  s  Comer  on  your  territories.  However.  1  suppose  you  know 
the  original  one  somewhere  hi  Westminster ;  and,  for  vour  information, 
there  is  another  just  begun  at  the  comer  of  Qiiccu  Square,  Bloomsbory, 
not  to  commemorate  dead  poets,  but  to  show  the  talents  of  real  live  'uns. 
The  following  has  been  pcriietratod  within  a  few  yards  of  me— on  a  blucV 
board  and  white  letters : — 

** '  Ttwra  !•  DO  tberixi£bfu« 
At  the  iiortli  end  of  Uib  Bqu«r«.' 


Fray,  stop  this. 


1' 

'■    1 

^^ 

-^    1 

J 

rind 

^'"'"Vv-  ^r<^^,^' 


Those  petty  nuisances,  "the  boys/*  are  always  in  advance  of  their! 
age,  and  though  it  is  not  exactly  in  the  sense  of  precocity  that  this  | 
tcnn  can  be  applied  to  them,  wc  have  no  hesitation  in  saying  that  they  ! 
almost  invariaDly  manage  to  take  time  by  the  forelock,  and  anticipate  I 
the  future — in  urbe  as  well  as  in  rus.    Tlie  state  of  Hyde  Park  affords  j 
a  specimen  of  the  vcaminj?  of  youth  to  overleap  the  boundaries  of 
existing  things,  for  tney  are  constantly  trying  to  oUmb  over  the  wooden 
enclosure  now  standing  on  the  spot  where  the  Kxhibitiou  is  to  be  held. 
The  boys  are  anticipating  1S51,  by  making  a  si^ht  and  show  of  what  is 
passing  in  1850,  and  the  exposition  of  juvenile  industrj',  by  the  urchins 
who  try  their  hardest  to  get  a  peep  at  the  proceedings,  is  now  in  full 


play.  As  to  the  privilege  of  private  views,  the  whole  thJiut  is  a  faroe 
when  compared  with  the  privilege  of  private  viewing  claimea  or  at  all 
events  exercised,  by  our  young  friends  "  the  boys?*  We  nave  seen 
half-a-hundrcd  of  a  morning  clinging  to  the  boards  of  the  enclosure  or 
the  hoarding  as  it  is  termed,  ana,  bv  the  wav,  this  specimen  of  hooraing 
is  so  truly  prunitivo,  tliat  the  hoaruing  looks  like  saving  indeed.  "\Vc 
cannot  give  an  opinion  as  \o  how  the  workmen  get  on  with  their 
labours,  while  so  many  juvenile  overseers  are  trying  to  see  over  the 
wooden  wall,  but  we  presume  the  newspapers  will,  each  of  tlwm,  secare 
one  of  these  intiuisitive  brats  in  the  character  of  "  Our  Reporter,"  for 
no  one  else  seems  to  have  an  opportunity  of  knowing  what  is  going  on. 


DAMAGES,  TWO  HUNDRED  POUNDS. 

Special  Jurymen  of  England !  who  admire  your  country's  laws, 
And  proclaim  a  British  Jury  worthy  of  the  realm's  applause ; 
Gaily  compliment  each  other  at  the  issue  of  a  cause 
Which  was  tried  at  Guildford  'sizes,  this  day  week  as  ever  was. 

Unto  that  august  tribunal  comes  a  gentlem&n  in  grief, 

Special  was  the  British  Jtiry,  and  tie  Judge,  the  Baron  Chief,) 

Comes  a  British  man  and  husband — asking  of  the  law  relief, 

For  his  wife  was  stolen  from  him— he  'd  have  vengeance  on  the  thief. 

Yes,  his  wife,  the  blessed  treasure  with  the  which  his  life  was  crowned. 
Wickedly  was  ravished  from  him  by  a  hypocrite  profound. 
And  he  comes  before  twelve  Britons,  men  for  sense  and  truth  renowned. 
To  award  him  for  his  damage,  twenty  htindrcd  sterling  pound. 

He  by  counsel  and  attorney  there  at  Guildford  does  appear, 
Asking  damage  of  the  villam  who  seduced  his  lady  dear : 
Bat  I  can't  help  asking,  though  theladv's  guilt  was  all  too  clear, 
And  though  guilty  the  defendant,  wasn  t  the  plaintiff  rather  queer  ? 

First  the  lady's  mother  spoke,  and  said  she  'd  seen  her  danghtcr  cry 
Bat  a  fortnight  after  marriage :  early  times  for  piping  eye. 
Six  months  after,  things  were  worse,  and  the  piping  eye  was  black, 
And  this  gallant  Britisn  husband  caned  his  wile  upon  the  back. 

Three  months  after  they  were  married,  husband  pusned  her  to  t  he  door, 
Told  her  to  be  off  and  leave  him,  for  he  wanted  her  no  more ; 
As  she  would  not  go,  why  he  went :  thrice  he  left  his  lady  dear, 
Left  her,  too,  without  a  penny,  for  more  than  a  quarter  of  a  year. 

Mrs.  Frances  Duncan  Knew  the  parties  very  well  indeed, 
She  had  seen  him  pull  his  lady's  nose  and  maie  her  lip  to  bleed ; 
If  he  chanced  to  sit  at  home  not  a  single  word  he  said  : 
Once  she  saw  him  throw  the  cover  of  a  dish  at  his  lady  s  head. 

Sarah  Green,  another  witness,  clear  did  to  the  Jury  note 

How  she  saw  this  honest  fellow  seize  his  lady  by  the  throat. 

How  he  cursed  her  and  abused  her,  beating  ner  into  a  fit. 

Till  the  pitying  next-door  neighbours  crossed  the  wall  and  witnessed  it. 

Next  door  to  this  injored  Briton  Mr.  Owebs,  a  butcher,  dwelt ; 
Mrs.  Owees's  foolish  heart  towards  this  erring  dame  did  melt ; 
(Not  that  she  had  erred  as  yet,  crime  was  not  developed  in  her) 
But  being  left  without  a  penny,  Mhs.  Owers  supplied  her  dinner— 
God  be  merciful  to  Mrs.  Owers,  who  was  merciful  to  this  sinner ! 

Caroline  Natlor  was  their  servant 

Saw 

He  went  out  to  balls  and  pleasures,  and  never  once,  in  ten  months*  space. 

Sate  with  his  wife,  or  spoke  her  kindly.    This  was  the  defendant's  case. 


} 


)UNE  Natlor  was  their  servant,  said  they  led  a  wretched  life, 
this  most  distinguished  Briton  fling  a  teacup  at  his  wife ; 


Pollock,  C.  B.,  charged  the  Jury ;  said  the  woman's  guUt  was  clear ; 
That  was  not  the  point,  however,  which  the  Jurv  came  to  hear. 
But  the  damage  to  determine  which,  as  it  should  true  appear, 
This  most  teuaer-hearted  husband,  who  so  used  his  lady  dear. 

Beat  her,  kicked  her,  caned  her,  cursed  her,  left  her  st^rvin^  year  by  year. 
Flung  her  from  him,  parted  from  her.  wrung  her  neck,  andooxedher  ear, 
Wliat  the  reasonable  damage  this  amicted  man  could  claim. 
By  the  loss  of  the  affections  of  this  guilty  graceless  dame  ? 

Then  the  honest  British  Twelve,  to  each  other  turning  round- 
Laid  their  clever  heads  together  with  a  wisdom  most  profound : 
And  towards  his  Lordship  looking,  spoke  the  foreman  wise  and  sound : 
"  My  Lord,  we  find  for  this  here  plaintiff  damages  two  hundred  pound.' 

So,  God  bless  the  Special  Jury !  pride  and  joy  of  English  ground. 
And  the  happy  land  of  England,  where  true  justice  does  abound ! 
British  Jurymen  and  husbands  ;  let  us  hail  this  verdict  proper  ; 
If  a  British  wife  offends  you,  Britons,  you've  a  right  to  whop  ner. 

Though  you  promised  to  protect  her,  though  von  promised  to  defend  her. 
You  arc  welcome  to  neglect  her :  to  the  aevii  yon  may  send  her : 
Vnn  mntr  ofi-ii-o  \\n-r  mir^io  nhiifiA  hnr  ■  go  dcclarcs  OUT  law  renowncd ; 


J.UU  ure  weicume  luuc^it^ub  iicr  :  lu  u 
You  may  strike  her,  curse,  abuse  her ; 
And  if  alter  this  you  lose  her, — why  y 


-ou  're  paid  two  hundred  pound. 


THE  BULL-FIGHTS  IN  PABIS. 

It  is  said  that  Spanish  Bull-Oghts  are  about  to  be  introduced  into 
Paris  from  Spain,  and  the  journals  are  talking  of  the  project  as  one 
likely  to  be  very  attractive  from  its  novelty.  BuU-fights  may  be  novel 
enough  on  the  other  side  of  the  water,  but  the/  are  no  noveltv  hcr^ 
which  may  account  for  their  being  so  unattractive,  for  Smithfield  ana 
its  avenues,  where  our  London  Buli-iights  take  place  twice  a-week,  are 
avoided  by  nearly  all  who  are  not  compelled  to  resort  to  them.  Ii  the 
Parisians  really  want  to  have  a  specimen  of  BuU-fighting,  let  some  of 
the  French  ezcursionists — whom  we  rejoice  to  see  among  us — ^take  a 
w^  some  Monday  morning  to  Smithfield  market,  and  there  they  will 
witness  quite  enough  to  initiate  them  in  the  sport,  which  it  is  said 
Paris  is  prepared  to  patronise.  We  have  occasionally  found  oorselves 
obliged  to  take  suddenly  the  part  of  a  picadore  with  the  point  of  onr 
umbrella,  and  once  or  twice  we  have  thought  it  prudent  to  resort  to  the 
banderillos^  by  brandishing  our  pocket-handkerchief  in  a  mischievous- 
looking  animal's  eyes,  in  order  to  divert  his  attention  from  some  more 
precious  object.  If  Bull-fighting  is  to  be  tamed  into  a  public  amuse- 
ment, let  it  be  done  in  the  regular  wav  by  the  conversion  of  Smithfield 
into  an  arena,  but  a  state  of  things  which  compels  a  quiet  passenger  to 
become  every  now  and  then  Aaaiadore  malgre  tui  is  rather   ' 


Wky  arc  the  "Parliamentary  Trains  "  so  called  ? 

From  the  extreme  slowness  with  which  everything  moves  upoa 


^ 


FUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


EBONY. 

B&XUNLI  it  inusi  beiFmiifv- 
iiig  to  the  Sava^^' 
3utict)— if  ttiore  ifi ^.n- 
to  all  tbe  PliilaiiibrfiiKi»liii^i 
oiul  Ncgro-Fancitrrs  of  K\e- 
tcrHill.  tnw  ■-.,  •»....   Kum- 

KMittfU'  Mcuiua- 

Degiflniig  1  I  lilted  ou 

tlic  coast  i>i  Aiiicift.  The 
United  SfTPU'f  Journal  thus 
dcM  :"  .'libltion  of  the 

spin  able   Koyivllyl 

as    i  >  board  oue  of 

Hi  i  s  sliips  cruia- 

ing  1  i  L'uminarooQ — 

"Kmn  Bru.  wu  tbti  fimt  u> 
eome  on  bo*nt,  awompftnlctl  by 
bU  rAToarltd  wiia  nr-i  t*-w..  ■-■*  hi« 
ehteCf ;  ba  wu  dr-  ll 

drwH  of  ft  iD&il'C  tUi 

TTMC  .r- 

Itk  .l  n 

eiiAt  Hi...   . , ,  :  i.tis, 

DAr  Any  crulwiUtilUi  I'or  UiiUU ;  Uat 
cAiuc  Tix  Aqi'A,  tbo  ymioKcr 
LroUirr;  Ii»  wure  tlio  fuU  dnntit  ur 
ftBennr&l  offiobr,  und  vu  dKentlj 
cUd  In  II  pair  of  vUlto  dudi  traa- 
•en  and  uikle  booti,  mlio  a  vhlte 
bcarvr  bat,  and  OD  It,  la  latlor*  of 
guld«  'Knto  Aqi'a.'" 

'     [  s  and  Garters ! "  muat  be  the  csclamatioTi  of  Britahxia  on 
I  It?  the  above  picture  of  the  ponipa  and  vanities  of  the 

Am.cm.  J.M  :■■■'  -^"  ''-^  world.  Th.'  F'l  -■■  =  '-  M..».^^-.i,  imd  ''Kreo 
Aqua"  ein  letters  of  -.■  i— very  well — 

Uoni  soU  qui         ,  ,         /    Thos(i  u  i  jll's  combina- 

tion of  maii-coMcb-ifUiird's  UnbilinieuU  with  l<:iiijJe  liaierj'.  should  re* 
member  iht;  widro^ynoun  (iforof  the  FoirRin  at  Madamk  Tlssauo's, 
in  his  ci>r*Jimtiou  rol)e>,   '  '  ''^  liimsclf,  nuilc  iu  the  ta^lc  of  Bell. 

In  bedi/.eiiiiij;  hi^  per^  :  dress  cuat  of  a  BritiBh  Gcneml,  the 

tlderof  the  brothers  A'c-  '■■•""'!/ made  a  sinde  in  cinlisnlion ;  aud 
although  he  miplit  have  »l ridden  in  a  costume  more  befitting  the  inovc- 
iiunt,  liis  reseinblftuce  to  Brlan  O'Lufir  as  to  the  lower  extremities 
w:i3  j)robably  invulunUry.  Jt  mn;  seem  strange  that  notions  of  omontent 
so  aiinilar  to  those  exhibited  at  an  English  Levee  or  Drawing- i-oom 
should  co-exjflt  with  the  puerility— not  to  say  idiocy — betrayed  in  the 
following  incident.  Divers  presents,  inclusive  of  a  general  ofEccr^s 
uuxfonn>  having  been  ni;ide  to  ihc  Koyol  brolliere  : — 

"  The  PftiyoB  RoTAL  propoiMl  to  dlvldo  the  coal  by  niltJnff  It  doim  trem  Uie  centra 
of  llw  bach,  and  Iho  King  to  Hare  one  eyaalett*,  acd  blmaelf  tlio  other."       . 

The  intelligence  of  his  Kotal  Highness  might  be  tiiouglit  pro- 
portionate to  nis  tftslc,  if  our  own  courtly  wigs,  nnd  cocked  hats,  nnd 
gold  laec,  nnd  shonldcrknots,  did  not  indicate  a  feeling  for  decoration 
pretty  much  oji  a  par  M-ith  that  e\'inccd  by  these  blackanioors.  Are 
they  not  flunkies  and  broUiersy 


ENGLISH  GRATITUDE. 


Mr.  0.  Walker  was  the  first  to  altmct  public  uttcutiou  it  the 
evils  arising  from  Intrmnxiral  Interment.  He  spent  several  yell's  in 
the  inveatjgatinn  of  tlie  riucHlInn,  and  large  sums  of  iiiouey  in  the 
accumulation  of  evidence.  Mosllv  owing  to  his  exertions,  the  new 
Interment  Bill  ha«  been  pii3?cd.  Appointments  have  been  given  away 
under  that  m^;a.^urc ;  but  nut  one  to  poor  Mk.  Walker.  His  existence 
is  ignored  by  Government.  Services  like  his,  deserving  of  some  high 
acknowledgment,  are  pas.*^ed  over  in  the  coldest  contempt. 

We  often  think  that  England  is  a  most  ungrateful  nation.  France, 
and  other  nations,  are  not  so  tardy  in  rewarding  their  benefactors.  Ma. 
Rowland  Hill  received  nothing  but  the  "  coW  slioiddcr  '*  from  miius- 
ters,  lor  several  years.  Ma.  Wagkobs  was  allowed  to  die  ahnost 
in  want;  and  nnmerous  other  examples  could  be  cited,  in  proof  of  tbe 
little  encouragement  ^ven  in  this  countir  to  men  of  science  and 
enterprise.  And  yet  we  prove  our  gratitude  m  the  most  liberal  manner. 
whcnerer  a  prince  of  the  roval  blood  is  to  be  the  happy  recipient  of 
it.  We  do  not  begnjd|,'c  £12,(KX)  a-ycar  to  a  youn^  Duke  of  Canihridgc, 
•whose  only  public  claim  is,  that  he  is  the  son  ol  bib  father;  but  wo 
have  not  a  farthing  to  give  to  a  man  whose  claims  are  based  npon 
the  strong  ground  of  an  universal  good.  It  is  a  pity  M».  Walker 
had  not  been  a  member  of  the  BnvaJ  Family;  for  then,  instead  of 
receiving  nothing  for  doinp  '  come  in  for 

something  like  £10,000  for  urc.  when  we 

are  t*jld   of  Govenmicnt  \^\i ^y  ^i  „iiu  mi  iojviu  :iiid  energy,  we 

fthftU  very  politely  exclaim,  ^*  Walker !" 


NOW,  BX  ST.  PAUL'S,  THE  WORK  GOES  BRAVELY  ON." 


Tub  naves  of  St.  Paul'-s  are  liappily  cicnipicd  henceforth  from  the 
Illy  "knavish  trick"  of  -  Iwoj^ucc  from  the  pocket  of  the 

itor;   ntul  \ve  bnl^'  h'  ,  lu?  Dcuns  and  Chapters  of  other 

ijitliednjs  will  take  a  chapuT  uui  of  the  DeaJl  of  St.  Paul's  Book. 
We."*t minster  Abbey  is  still  one  of  the  show-shops  of  the  Mrtn'|M»iia. 
and  there  are  several  cathedrals  throughout  the  country  which  might 
place  uver  their  portals  the  words — "  Pay  here." 

At  Canterbury,  in  particukr,  the  old  extortionate  principle  jirevaUs 
of  "  making  no  charge,  but  leaving  it  to  your  generosity ;"  and  if  your 
generosity  is  not  quite  up  to  the  notion  of  her  own  valne  entertained  by 
tlic -i*(^ai7in  aUcndanc<!,  you  are  treated  with  :■  '"■'--■■* inn  of  your- 
selves, m  rather  more  forcible  Ungnage  than  i  iu  the  very 
brief  allusions  to  the  objects  of  interest  in  the  This  mode 
of  converting  those  visitors  who  have  not  come  down  luiudsomel)^  witli 
a  gratuity  into  a  portion  of  the  exiubition  is  very  ingenious,  if  uut 
altogether  agreeahle;  and  wo  think  the  authoritie«  of  the  caihc^lnd 
would  do  well  either  to  abolish  all  fees  or  fix  the  amount,  w)  that  tlic 
visitors  would  not  run  the  chance  of  being  apostrophised  ai>  a  "  be-ggarly 
set,"  if  thoy  chanced  to  err  on  the  side  of  cOonONiy. 


4 


THE  LION  HUNTRESS  OF  BELGEAVIA. 
Beittff  Lady  Nimbod's  Journal  of  the  past  Setuon. 
When  my  husband's  father.  Sib  John  Nimbod,  died,  after  sixteen 


years'  ill-heah' 

and  which  I  li 


mht  1o  have  killed  a  dozen  ordinary  baronets, 
piiTt  with  anselic  patience,  we  came  at  length 
into  the  nroiK     .  i  ought,  by  rigiits,  to  have  been  ours  so  long 

before  (otncrwise  I  am  sure  I  would  never  have  married  Kimrod,  or 
gone  through  eighteen  years  of  dullneAs  and  comparative  poverty  iu 
second  rate  furnished  houses,  at  '  '  rbroad),  and  at  length  wonted 

my  maisoa  in  London.    I  m  .  od  an  artless  ana  beautiful 

young  woman,  asl  may  now  s;.  f^''^-  '""'•  ^  ^'f^"*  given  up  all 

claims  to  youth  or  to  pcrsf^n  t  Xht:  mez:n 

of  the  pat  h  of  nr..T{r{t  ri^n.  ns  P.-  ;  -ions  to  flirt 

at  all,  n'i  ig  girls.    I  made 

CTcnt  5;t^  :a  Cajtain  (now 

GeneRaIj  A'  :  iMLiiuMn;LL;.i  ninu  ui  iiih  iiiir-,  who  was  ardently 

attached  to  n  ^^,  then  tutor  to  the  Karl  Of  NooDLEBum. 

but  now  Lou L   . i   uf  Bi:LUx;jLSMrrHT;  aJid  many  more  whom  I 

need  not  name,  and  some  of  whom  I  dare  say  have  never  forraven  me 
forji'.lingthem,asthevcaU  it.  But  how  could  1  do  otherwise  ?  Mamma's 
means  were  small  Who  could  sunpose  that  a  captain  of  dragoons  at 
Bri.^hton,  or  a  nobleman's  tutor  ana  chaplain  (who  both  of  t  hem  ndorc<l 
luc  eer'ainly),  would  ever  rise  to  their  present  eminent  jjositious  !*  And 
I  therefore  sacrifioctl  myself  nnd  niv  inclinations,  as  every  well-nurtured 
aud  bi^ily  principled  girl  will,  ana  became  Mbs.  Nimrod — remaining 
Mr«.  Nimbod — plain  Mrs.  Nijjroi)  as  Mr.  Giumstone  said— for 
eighteen  years,  n  liat  1  sufi'cred  no  one  can  fell.  Nimbod  has  no 
powers  of  conversation  and  1  am  oil  soul  and  genius.  NiURoo  cares 
neither  for  poetry,  uor  for  company,  nor  for  science,  aud  without  geology, 
without  poesy,  without  society,  life  is  a  blank  to  me.  Provided  nc 
coiJd  snooze  at  home  with  the  children,  poor  N.  was  (and  is)  happy. 
But  ah!  could  their  innocent  and  often  footisii  conversation  suOke  to  a 
woman  of  my  ix>wcrs?  X  was  wretchedly  deceived  it  must  be  owned, 
in  my  mnrriage,  but  what  mortal  among  us  lias  not  his  or  her  iraeaueriei 
and  iUriUutwnnementt  ?  Had  I  any  idea  thut  the  old  Sir  Joun  Nihrob 
would  have  clung  to  life  wilb  ^uch  iiucoumou  tenucity,  I  might  now 
liave  bceu  the  occupant  of  the  Palnee  of  BuUocksmilhy  tin  place  of  poor 
Mrs.  Pyx,  who  is  a  vulgar  creature),  and  not  the  mistress  of  my  house 
iu  £atou  Crescent,  and  of  Uomby  Hall,  CTumbcrl&nd,  where  poor  SiB 
CiiAiaEs  NiUROD  gcncndly  lives  shut  up  with  his  ^uut  and  his  ehikbm. 
lie  does  not  come  ud  to  London,  nor  is  ho  fattpour  y  bnUtr,  My 
eldest  dauchter  is  aminole,  but  she  has  such  fnghlful  red  hair  MuiL  1 
really  eoulu  not  bring  her  mlo  the  world ,  the  boys  are  with  their  tutor 
and  at  Eton;  and  as  I  was  bom  for  societ}'  I  am  bound  to  seek  for  it. 
alone.  I  pass  eight  months  in  liondon,  and  tiie  remainder  at  Baden,  or 
at  Brighton,  or  at  Paris.  We  receive  oompaoy  at  Hombv  for  a  fort- 
niglit  when  I  go.  Sir  C — .  N' — .  does  not  trouble  hianaelf  much  with 
Loudon  or  mon  mondt.  He  moves  about  my  saloonB  without  a  word  to 
sav  for  himself ;  he  asked  me  whether  Db.  Buckjuakd  was  a  poet,  and 
wnether  Sir  Sidkhv  Suitu  was  not  an  AdmiiBl :  he  generally  overeats 
iind  drinks  himself  at  the  ho  use -dinners  ot  his  clubs,  bein^  a  member  of 
both  Snooker's  and  Toodle's,  and  returns  home  after  six  weeks  to  hia 
stupid  Cumberland  solitudes.  Thus  it  will  be  seen  that  my  lot  in,  life 
as  a  domestic  character  is  not  a  Imppv  one.  Born  to  brner  in  society, 
I  hud  the  honour  of  singing  on  the  table  at  Brighton  before  the  epicure 
Geouoe  tue  FoURXii  at  six  years  of  age.*  What  was  the  use  of 
shining  under  such  a  bushel  aa  poor  dear  Sib  G— .  N — .  ?    There  are 


I 


*  It  VftJ  iNX  boftjrt  Gkomi  TIU  Fourtb,  but  bufora  tha  Puaxn.  -^  "^ 
■Laot  Nimod,  then  Miaa  niu^AiM,  pMfQniwd.»\«AVv«SiB^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARrVARI. 


MM  or  w.gifUd  bri 
thnkmntfL  TWI 
h«  livid  aft  GMlb^Slh 


•e  lot  ■  tke  voril    We  m  Ske  t^  FiwrfiiTr  in  mr 
ta  vtea  rate  im^^Jfimfe,  JHWvfe.-'  iarwp%nM«r 
M  have  ben  A  fated  nee:  demat  JCiaBm  dmpped  dow  m  tke  tea-rcoBi 

Id  ■  i^KJaiw^  amr  diaed  riSe  far 
vitkoat  eeHBTbevOTU  fllMd  kwh  ad 


#-«f' 


V! 


»?'- 


G 


.>!»^ 


\-^   \ 


^^ 


I  am  I  ereatare  of  the  world  then,  I  cuinot  help  my  nature.  The  Eagle  fthe  crest  of  the  Bellaibs)  flies 
to  the  diuulinKsnti,  while  the  "  mopineowl"  prefers  the  stupid  Harknc*5of  the  thicket. 

Thry  call  me  tlic  J^ion  llontreas.  I  own  that  I  love  the  society  of  the  distinguiahed  and  the  great. 
A  mere  cnltivQtor  of  frivolous  fashion,  a  mere  toady  of  the  fn^at,  I  despise ;  but  genius,  bat  poetry,  bnt  talent, 
but  Bctciitiftc  reiiututiun,  but  humour,  but  eccentricity  kbove  all,  I  adore.  I  hkve  opened  mr  Saiotu 
DOW  for  ftcveral  teaaoni.  ETcrybody  of  note  who  has  bem  in  oar  metropolis  I  have  recciv»l, — tne  great 
paixiter*.  the  great  poet*  and  Bculptorv  (dear,  dear  sculptures,  I  adore  them !),  the  great  musicians  and 
arti«te»  the  great  ttateamen  of  all  tne  great  countries ;  the  great  envoys,  the  great  missionaries,  the  great 
Qmmi^  tbegreat  evtnf  bodies  hare  honoored  the  remniont  of  Cleventina  Nikboo.  I  have  had  at  the 
•tma  diiizuirt  the  wise  and  funona  MoKsnint  Doctrdtaibe  (and  vas  in  hopes  he  would  have  come  to  me  in 
the  footman's  suit  in  wbich  he  escaped  from  Faris.  bnt  be  only  came  with  his  Golden  I^leccc,  his  broad  ribbon 
of  the  Legion  of  Hononr  and  eighteen  ordera),  SiovOE  BoMBAJtPt.  the  Roman  tribune,  (jenebaj>  Piukce 
RuBamjBtn,  the  Koasian  Oenoal,  and  dear  Tajlboosh  Pabiu,  wno  was  converted  to  Islamiam  after  his 
■eroic  conduiet  in  Htmgarr.  I  have  had  MoNsntiB  Saksg^ne,  the  eminent  socialist  refugee;  Kuist 
JenoHnATBAT,  from  JeniaaJem :  the  ARCiniiBHor  or  BlBJLLTFOTATOE^  inpartiiM  ifi/idelittm,  ana  in  purde 
atockingi:  BnonrEB  Hiooa,  llic  Mormon  Prophet^  and  my  own  dear  Fishop  or  HrixocKaxiTHT,  who 
baa  one  of  the  ptettiest  ankles  and  the  Kofteat  hjmds  in  £ngUod,  seated  round  my  iotc/y  board.  I  have  had 
that  darling  CotoxBL  Miwtojje  Reii>,  the  decyphcrcr  of  the  Babylonish  inscriptions-  the  eminent 
PBorsMOB  H6DwnrcKj  of  Uallc^  author  of  those  extraordinary  " Mora  AtUedUuviana"  and  " The  History 
pf  ih$  ThfM  Hundred  Firai  Soeemffns  t^the  Fourth  Preadamits  Period ; "  and  PBoraaaoB  BLEVxnrHOBN  (who 
reads  your  band-whtiiig  in  that  wonderful  way,  you  know,  for  thirteen  stampa)  round  one  tea-table  in  one 
loom  in  my  house.  1  nave  had  the  hero  of  Acre,  the  hero  of  Long  Aere,  and  a  near  relation  of  Gbeexacbe 
at  the  Muno  «di>^,— and  I  am  not  ashamed  to  owuj  that  when  during  his  trial  the  late  atrocious  Mb. 
RainnuD,  conBding  in  his  acquittal,  wrote  to  order  a  romp  and  dozen  at  the  inn,  I  was  so  much  deoeived 
hf  the  barefaced  wretch's  protestations  of  innoceooe,  that  1  sent  him  a  little  note,  requesting  the  honour  of 
hia  company  at  an  evening  partv  at  my  house.  He  was  found  justly  guilty  of  the  murder  ot  Mbs.  Tbipes. 
waa  banged,  and  of  course,  oould  not  come  to  m^  party.  But  bad  he  been  innocent,  what  ahame  would 
thon  have  been  in  mr  receiving  a  man  so  certamly  remarkable,  and  whose  ondonbted  ooorage  (had  it 
been  exerted  in  a  better  cause)  might  have  led  turn  to  do  great  things  ?  Yes,  and  if  I  take  that  viUa  at 
Fulham  neat  year,  I  hope  to  have  a  snng  Stuiday  party  from  the  Agapemone  for  a  game  at  hockey;  when 
I  hope  that  my  dear  Bibhof  or  Bullockskitiit  will  come. 

Indeed^bal  is  there  in  life  worth  living  for  but  the  eujoyment  of  the  society  of  men  of  talent  and  cele- 
brity f  Of  tlie  mere  immde,  voa  know,  one  person  is  just  like  another,  Ladt  A.  and  Lady  B. 
have  their  dreaaea  made  br  tne  same  miUiucr,  and  talk  to  the  same  pattern.  Lobo  C.'b  whiskers  arc 
exactly  like  Mr.  D.'a,  ana  their  coata  arc  the  same,  and  their  plaited  shirt-fronta  are  the  same,  and 


Kax»  mA  ItkwurmK  tbe  a 
laaijori  *"^_{f^»<^__^afar 
ni^adi  m.  the  toil  ve  ^w  vaaft 
tfv  HIV  atapid  frnva  nd  Iw^ 
eaBBEKkei%  who  are  aagry  tf  tber 
an  aol  iaviicd  lo  all  one^  parties 
wbo  know  aad  Iril  all  cna'a  aeenelL 
vboBn«idtfe  hadalarieBSoS 
ooe  that  an  trac,  or  UC4mch  or 
nntrae;  I  aiaka  a  ymd^  Sot  ny 
partk  to  have  M  CrieadBu  laent, 
nobody  who  shall  be  OB  aoeh  a  coD- 
fidotaal  footiBf  aa  that  be  ix  sba 
shaO  DrannDc  to  know  too  raaekod 
my  afiiii^  or  that  I  akall  aiTadf  he 
80  fond  oC  thai  I  aboold  iBHa  tfc^ 
were  they  to  be  ertcaagad  «  to 
die.  One  ia  not  madov  or 
not  be  Bade,  to  be  an 
in  hfe:  oae  need  faara 
aentariona  aboat  aajbody.'  Aad 
that  is  why  I  adaun  and  aabnu- 
liar  with  raaarkahle  peopie  aad 
penona  of  talcat  only;  oeanae^  if 
they  diei,  or  go  awar^  or  bon  sc^ 
I  can  get  other  peo]^  of  taleal  or 
remariabte  penona  ia  tbexr  |ilao& 
For  iiutance.  this  year  H  ia  tha 
Nepaolese  PrinoeL  aad  Mum. 
Vaxdxbmtkb,  and  the  Hippepo- 
taaias,one  is  interested  aboat;  next 
year  it  may  be  the  Chinese  Ambas- 
aadors,  or  the  Pora,  or  the  Dcca 
or  BoBOEAtn^  or  who  knows  who* 
This  year  it  is  the  author  of  the 
ifemoriam  (and  a  moat  nlrmiin 
poet),  or  Mb.  CuvmxQ,  tne  licai 
Hunter  of  8outb  Africa,  or  that  ckar 
Pbeldpe;  next  year,  of  ooaxa& 
then  will  be  somebody  cAm.  aaa 
aome  other  poema  or  deHjpbtfn 
works,  which  wOl  oome  in ;  aad  ol 
which  there  ts  always  a  boantifiil 
and  moat  providential  and  Hfeitd 
natural  an^ly  with  every  soooeed- 
tng  season. 

And  as  I  now  sit  calmly,  at  the  end 
of  a  well-spent  season,  surrering 
my  empty  apartments^  and  thin  ting 
of^the  many  interesting  peraonagca 
who  have  pasaed  thnragh  them,  I 
cannot  but  think  bow  wise  my 
cotuae  has  been,  and  I  look  over 
the  lists  of  my  lions  with  pleasure. 
Poor  StB  C— .  in  the  same  way 
keeps  a  game^x>ok  I  know,  aad 
pata  down  the  hares  and  pheaMola 
which  he  has  bagged  in  his  sto^ 
excursions,  and  if  that  strange  and 
debghtful  bcMtled  hunter,  Mb. 
CiTinatvG  (who  was  off  for  Soot- 
land  just  when  I  went  to  his  chaim- 
ing  and  terrible  Exhibition,  doae 
by  as  at  Kni^^bridge,  and  with 
an  TTitimaf*  Sootoh  matoal  aoqoaint- 
ancei,  who  would  have  introdoeed 
me,  when  I  should  have  numbered 
in  my  Wednesdav-list  and  mj 
dinner-list  one  noSle  lion  more)i  if 
^lB.  CuvKtMu,  I  say,  keeps  Au 
journal  of  sprug-boks,  and  ele- 
phants, and  sesroows,  and  lions 
and  monsters,  why  should  Dot 
Clexebtiva  NncBOD  be  permitted 
to  recur  to  her  little  jotunala  ol 
the  sporting  seaaon? 


« 


OR  THE  LONDON  CHAMVARL 


BELGKAVIA. 

ontini;axly  have  1 
been  asked,  What 
is  a  liou  ?  A  lion 
is  a  man  or  Troman 
one  must  have  at 
one's  parties  —  I 
hare  no  other  an- 
swer but  that.  One 
has  a  nian  at  one's 
parties  beeauaeone 
sees  him  at  every- 
bo(Jy  else's  parties ; 
I  cannot  tell  you 
why.  Tt  is  the  wfiy 
of  the  world,  and 
when  one  is  of  the 
world,  one  must  do 
as  the  world  does. 
Vulgar  people. 
and  persons  not  or 
the  world,  ucvcr- 
thcless,  have  their 
little  tinrties  and 
their  little  great 
men  (the  foolish, 
absurd,  creatures!) 
aud  I  hare  no 
doubt  that  at  any  little  lawyer's  wife's  tca-lftble  in  Bloomsbury,  or 
merchaut'a  heavy  mahopmy  in  Porthmd  Place,  our  manners  are 
Indicrooaly  imitated,  and   ttmt   these   people   show  off    their  lions 


to 


"It  is  a  great  comfort,  hja>x  HtMSon,"  GiuvsToirK  said, 
be  in  nocietv  at  hwt— and  a  great  pririlege.  You  know  that  my 
relations  are  low,  that  my  father  imd  mother  are  mlgar,  and  that  uutd 
I  came  into  the  monda,  I  had  no  idea  what  decent  manners  were,  aod 
had  never  met  a  gentleman  or  a  lady  before  ?" 

Poor  voung  man!  Considering  his  disadvantages,  ho  reallr  pro- 
nounces his  h  s  very  decently ;  and  I  watched  him  ill  throT^^  ainner- 
time^  and  he  behaved  quite  well.  L^T  Blikker  says  he  is  satirical : 
but  he  seems  to  me  simple  and  quiet. 

Ma.  Grthstove  is  a  lion  now.  Hia  speech  in  Parliament  made  him 
talked  about.  Directly  one  is  tallced  about,  one  is  a  lion.  He  is  a 
radical ;  and  hia  principles  arc,  I  believe,  horrid.  IJut  one  must  have 
him  to  one's  parties,  as  no  goes  to  Ladt  Tollisgton's. 

There  is  nothing  which  1  dislike  so  much  aa  the  illibcrality  of  some 
narrow-minded  English  pconle,  who  want  to  iudjjfc  everything  by  their 
own  standard  of  morals,  and  are  bqucamish  witli  illstin^uishcd  foreigners 
whose  manners  do  not  exactly  correspond  with  thcu-  own.  Uuvc  we 
any  right  to  qnarrel  wilh  a  Turkish  gentleman  because  he  has  three  or 
four  wives  ?  With  an  officer  of  Austrian  hussars  because,  in  the  course 
of  hisraunful  duties,  he  has  had  to  inflict  pcrfional  punishment  on  one  or 
two  rcbeUiouB  Italiaji  or  Hungarian  ladies,  and  whip  a  few  little  boys? 
Docs  anybody  cut  Dr.  IIawtret,  at  Eton,  for  correcting  the  boys  ?— 
nry  sons,  I'm  sure,  would  be  the  better  for  a  little  more.  When  the 
Emperor's  aide-de-camp,  Count  Knoutoff.  was  in  this  oounlir,  was 
ho  not  perfectly  well  received  at  Court  and  in  the  very  first  circles  ? 
It  gives  one  a  sort  of  thrill,  and  imparts  a  piquancy  and  flavoor  to  a 
whole  party  when  one  has  a  lion  m  it,  who  nas  hanged  twenty-five 
Poli.sh  colonels,  like  Coukt  KNooTorr;  or  shot  a  couple  of  hundred 
CarUst  officers  before  breakfast,  like  General  Gakbanzos,  than  whom 
I  never  met  a  more  mild,  accompUshcd,  and  elegant  mou.  1  should  sav 
he  is  a  man  of  the  most  sensitive  organisation,  that  he  would  shrinlc 
from  giving  pin — he  has  the  prettiest  white  hand  1  ever  saw,  except 
my  dear  Bishop's;  and,  besides,  in  those  count rirs  nn  officer  must  do 
his  du^.    These  extreme  measures,  of  course,  aru  not  wlmt  one  would 

.»»v.^/H^j   4...*v«.^v»,  u«M    vu-v    ,www   ^^r-   - .like  oincera  of  one's  own  country  to  do :  but  consider  the  dilTercncc  of 

just  as  wo  do.    I  heard  Mr.  Grimstoke  the  other  night  telling  of  the  education  of  foreigners !— and  also,  it  must  be  remembered,  ilmt  if 


some  people  with  whom  he  had  been  dining,  a  kiud  who  are  not  m 
society,  and  of  whom,  of  course,  one  has  never  heard.  He  said  that 
their  manners  were  not  unlike  ours,  that  t  hey  lived  in  a  vcr)*  comfortably 
furnished  house :  that  they  had  enirStt  from  the  confectioner's,  and  that 
Hnd  of  thing;  and  that  {hey  had  their  lions,  the  absurd  creatures,  in 
imitation  of  us.  Some  of  these  people  have  a  great  respect  for  the 
Peerage,  and  GnmsTONE  says  that  at  this  house,  which  belongs  to  a 
relative  of  hi.-),  they  never  consider  their  grand  dinners  complete  without 
poor  Lord  Mpddlehead  to  take  the  lady  of  the  house  to  dinner. 
Lord  Muddlehead  never  speaks;  but  driuka  unceasingly  during 
dinner  time,  and  is  there,  Grimstonb  says,  that  the  host  may  have  the 
pleasure  of  calling  out  in  a  loud  voice  and  the  hearing  of  Ids  twenty 
guests,  "Lord  Mcddlehead,  may  I  have  the  honour  of  taking  wine 
with  your  Lordsliip  P  " 

I  am  told  there  arc  several  members  of  the  aristocracv  who  let  them- 
selves out  to  be  dined,  as  it  were,  in  this  sad  way ;  and  do  not  dislike 
the  Dart  of  lion  which  tlicy  play  iu  these  inferior  houses. 

Well  then?— what  must  we  acknowledi^? — that  persons  not  in 
socictv  imitate  us ;  and  that  everybody  has  Ins  family  circle  and  its  little 
lion  lor  the  time  being.  With  us  it  is  Nelsok  come  home  from 
winning  the  battle  of  Abonkir ;  with  others  it  is  Tom  Smith  who  has 

Sined  the  silver  skulls  at  the  rowing  match.  With  us  it  is  a  Foreign 
iaistcr,  or  a  Prince  in  exile:  with  others  it  may  be  MAtiTEB  Thomas 
who  has  just  oomc  from  Cambridge,  or  M^  and  Mrs.  Jo.ves  who  have 
just  been  on  a  lour  to  Paris.  Poor  creatures !  do  not  let  us  be  too 
hard  on  them !  People  may  not  be  in  society— and  yet,  I  dare  say, 
mean  ver}'  well.  I  have  found  in  steam-boats  on  the  Rhine,  and  at  tables 
d*h6U  on  the  Continent,  very  wdl  informed  persons,  really  very  agree- 
able and  well  mannered,  with  whom  one  coula  converse  very  freely,  and 
get  firom  them  much  valuable  iuformation  and  assistance — and  who, 
nevertheless,  were  not  in  society  at  all.  These  people  one  does  not,  of 
course,  rocognisr  on  returning  to  this  country  (unless  thc^  happen  1o 
get  into  the  world,  as  occasionally  they  du) ;  but  it  is  surprising  how  like 
us  many  of  them  are,  and  wuat  good  imitations  of  our  manners 
they  give. 

For  instance,  this  very  Mr.  GnmsTouE — Ladt  Tollwgtov  took 
him  up,  and,  of  course,  if  Ladt  Tollington  takes  up  a  man  hejL'oes 
every  wiiere— four  or  five  years  ago  in  Germany  I  met  him  at  Wies- 
baden ;  he  gave  me  up  his  bed-room,  for  the  inn  was  full,  and  ho  slept 
on  a  billiard-table,  I  think,  and  was  very  good-natured,  amusing,  and 
attentive.  He  was  not  then  du  monde  and  1  lost  sight  of  him :  for, 
though  ho  bowed  to  me  one  night  at  the  Opera,  I  thought  it  was  best 
not  to  encourage  him,  and  my  gUss  would  not  look  uis  way.  But 
when  once  received — difficulties  orconrfte  vanished,  and  I  was  delighted 
to  know  him. 

"O  Mjl  QancsTQNE !"  I  said,  "how  charmed  I  am  to  see  you 
among  us.  How  pleasant  you  must  be,  ain't  you?  I  see  you  were 
at  Labi  ToLUNOTO!f*8  and  Ladt  TBuifprNGTON  a ;  and  of  course  you 
will  go  everywhere :  and  will  you  come  to  my  Wednesdavs  ?" 


poor  dear  General  Garhinzos  did  shoot  the  Cariists,  those  horrid 
Carlists,  if  they  had  caught  him,  would  certainly  have  shot  Mm. 

In  the  same  way  about  remarkable  women  who  come  among  us— their 
st.indard  of  propriety,  it  must  be  remembered,  is  not  ours,  and  it  is  not 
for  us  to  judge  them.  When  that  delightful  Madame  Akdbu  came 
amongst  na  (whom  Grimstone  coils  PoLTAJJoaiA,  though  her  name  is 
Alphonbike),  who  ever  thought  of  refusing  to  receive  her  P  Count 
Andru.  and  her  first  husband,  the  Haron  de  Frump,  are  the  beat 
friends  imaginable  ;  and  1  have  heard  that  the  Baron  was  present  at  his 
wife's  second  marriage,  wished  her  new  husband  joy  with  all  liis  heart, 
and  danced  vrith  a  Royal  Princess  at  the  wedding.  It  is  well  known 
that  the  Phince  Q&sgokt  Raoamows&i,  who  comes  out  of  Prussian 
Poland— (where  I  hope  Miss  Httlkeh,  of  Lombard  Street  leads  a  happr 
Ufe^  and  finds  a  couronHe  ftrmSe  a  consoUtion  for  a  bad,  odious  husband, 
an  uncomfortable,  hide-ond-scek  bam  of  a  palace  as  it  is  called,  and  a 
hideous  pju^  of  the  coimtry)— I  say  it  is  well  known  that  RAOAMorwKi 
was  married  before  he  came  to  Enghmd,  and  that  he  made  a 
separation  from  his  Princess  a  PamiabU ;  and  came  hither  expressly  for 
an  heiress.  Who  minds  these  things  ?  iUQAMOfWU  was  everywhere 
m  London :  and  there  were  Dukes  at  St.  George's  to  sign  the  register ; 
and  at  the  breakfast,  in  Hyde  Park  Gardens,  wliich  old  HuLtER.  gave, 
without  inviting  ««,  by  the  way.  Thence,  I  say,  it  on|^t  to  be  clear  to 
us  that  foreigners  are  to  be  iudsed  by  their  own  ways  and  habits,  and 
not  ours — and  that  idle  cry  wnicn  people  nuJtc  against  some  of  themfor 
iu)t  conforming  to  our  nractioes  ought  to  be  put  down !  Cry  out  against 
them,  indeed!  Mr.  GancsToyx  says  that  if  the  Empiror  Nero, 
having  slaughtered  half  Christendom  the  week  before,  could  come  to 
England  witii  plenty  of  money  in  his  pocket,  all  London  would  welcome 
him,  and  lie  would  be  presseci  at  the  very  first  houses  to  pby  the  fiddle 
—and  that  if  Queen  uatheiiink  of  Meoich,  though  she  had  roasted 
all  tJie  Huguenots  in  France,  had  come  over  afterwards  to  Mivart's,  on  a 
vidit  to  QuBSN  Elizabeth,  the  t«ry  be^  nobility  in  the  country  would 
}iare  come  to  put  their  names  down  in  her  visitiug-book. 


A  GRDAN  FROM  THE  COUNTER. 

A  TiLADESiLO  writes  us  a  letter,  in  which  he  expresses  the  wish 
that  all  gentlemen  and  noblemen  leaving  town,  would  follow  the  noble 
example  set  by  the  Royal  Italian  Opera  management,  at  the  end  of  the 
season,  lie  says  he  snould  like  uncommonly  to  have  seen  from  many 
of  lus  customers,  and  he  sends  us  their  names,  an  advertisement  set 
forth  in  a  style  somewhat  similar  to  the  one  published  by  the  above 
establishment,  and  he  forwards  us  the  sort  of  thing  he  means : — 

PREVIOUS   TO  GOING   ABROAD.— All  Tnd«a»n  hATing  Clunif  on 
LoftD  Lsr  AVT,  801,  Bel(Tari  BqnJUB,  for  lonf  OQ^taadtaff  muouqU,  u«  nqqsitod 
to  Mod  ia  tbelr  wecnnli  taun«diftt«ljr,  tod  u>  call  on  Satudu  ntzt,  it  S  o'eltMik  for 
t :  M  it  U  hU  Ifonlihip'i  lQl«ation  to  le«re  town  on  tlw  followlni^  1M 


4 


I 


narmeiit ;  m  u  la  bU  I«oraibip  ■  lQl«auon  to  Ie«r« 
it  {*  'pilt«  uooertala  wbvn  blB  LonUhlp  win  rntvrn 


^J 


PUXCa  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARTVARI 


THE  HIJr'l'OKJTAMLfi  IK  A  SEW  CHARACIZR, 

CTrjt**iy^.      He 
1!  certakiT  rwe. 

uk],- *:':■;".  He 

ippeari   p<i':i- 
Lruvr-'irci.     He 

is  f«^  beaniifi'iL 

We  are,  tbcrc- 
fcre,  irie  core 
STiTTirispd  10  sec 
kJEQ  fiirure  a$  a 
work  of  an,  in 
siKcr,  in  a  sli'jrj 
in  tLe  St  ran  3. 
Atliat  ills  t^?7 
is  rneatt  for  — 
whf.her  as  aa  or- 
Bunent  for  the  dinncr-taWc,  or  a  toy  for  ihc  Vjudoir— ^e  ha\e  no  cori- 
oeptioiL  We  are  avare  he  lias  already  fiTurcd  as  the  head  of  a  breast- 
pin. A  yount^  friend  ^in  the  Guards)  caibe  to  us  the  other  day,  wuh 
nis  ooat  mysteriously  buttoned. 

"  What  do  think  I  hare  ;?ot ':"  be  asked,  in  a  voice  tremulous  irith 
pleasure.  "Wt  avowed  our  ifrnorance.  "  Loo^  here !"  he  exclaimed, 
opening  his  coat,  and  displayini^  the  novel  bijou.  "  A  hip^potamus 
brcaat-pin!  Isn't  it  htunnini^'r"  And  he  Aad/  The  infatuated 
younf;  Tnan  (who  has  £200  vyear  besides  his  pav,  and  spends  £SIXj  to 
our  knowkflge),  bad  f^ne  to  a  great  expense  to  have  modelled  for  him 
a  oorrect  h'keness  in  little  of  this  smgnhirly  ugly  animal,  and  was 
wearing  it,  with  the  ^ride  of  a  discoverer,  in  his  cravat. 

Of  all  characters  in  the  worU  that  can  be  aanmicd  by  the  india- 
rubber-coloured  mammal,  which  is  now  attracting  the  public  to  the 
Zoological  Gardens,  we  can  conceire  none  that  he  has  less  pretensions  to 
flfrore  in  than  as  a  work  of  art.  If  ladies  wear  him  in  their  hearts, 
nifatuatcd  guardsmen  may  carry  him  in  their  bosoms.  But  as  an 
bdepcndent  statuette  wc  must  protest  against  him.  No  doubt  the 
modeller  may  plead  tlic  hnrsc  on  which  the  DuK£  of  Weixingtox  is 
mounted  on  Grosvcnor  Gate.  Wc  admit  that  is  ugly;  perhaps  as  uzly 
at  the  Hippopotamus ;  but  one  error  in  taste  cannot  be  pleaded  as  an 
excuse  for  another;  and  the  abundance  of  ugly  statuettes  of  horses  in 
the  Metroprjiis  is  no  justification  of  a  novel  ugliness  in  sculpture  in 
the  shape  of  the  Hippopotamus.  Much  as  we  respect  that  animal  in 
his  pen,  or  in  his  bath,  we  cannot  admit  him  as  an  inmate  of  the  aieiier, 
or  an  intruder  into  the  saloji. 


THE  PUmXS  S15TIM  AT  STT.  PAULU 

I 

It  v^zLi  ^^:^  fr^jr.  a  >:^t  f^  -A*?  7::=7«,  tia;  the  ukiiif  off  of  tbo 
I'T-.^iz.j  ^.l^-Tix  ia  &t.Pa;L'5  C*"L-;in;  ?■  a^ece of  aewi   "lo©  good 

'■j^^j  ''h^It  TTtrpp^*:*/"  is  izJ.  :.--:":?J_;  ia.  f:rre  a:  the  door  of  thn 
?ar:^i  r:i!£'^,  Tl^  Kr**^*:^:-?!.;  :f  '!.*:  /:  ■'  ^if^ata,  that  haTin^ 
*.^.z.  i*":.^i:v:i  ''.-  "i;^  t^ir.riej  r^v  s.'"':L.;::r.  cf  :L?  cii-Bt  he  went  to 


J  V, 


:r^^{ 


UUETCSS, 

'^-^  the'  dDGzkeepen. 

:!  ;!&:  a  &lseiumo'nr 
i  be  -:it  ir.r'j  cL-ci!a::c::^  .rLieh  wc^i  zirriraLy  baTe  the  tMa:t  of 
iz  iZL  ^^^-^  a^'mer^oc  ^cd  iearj^z  an  &ii^;ic'^  h^a^  of  tlie 
!■::«  TLO  liTxg  ccr:*  all  '±e  way  to  St-  Pknl^ 


T'i.l.fi-  paj 


.?    lWT'J— '■' 


an^ce. 


If  ".be  Xir'j;<:Zz.T  c: 


iLiTi  =^^  sll  ;Le  wa^  home  anin  for 


ibe  ULL'iIr  Jiirves":  my  r  ^r  be  Au^meiited  bj  aaiuiwottkr 


Tin;  POST-OFFICE  PET. 

The  M-iTiqrEss  J7  CtxyjjCA-sr^T.  is  one  of  the  best-natured  of 
To  be  t'ji?,  h  ii  di£cTi!i  i<^  ^ih^'i^iii  the  iostmiceiitiJitT  of  a  faiahop; 
and  the  m"^™  t-speeiali.T,  so  cleaaiLDui  apa^tor  as  theBLsbopof  OxJbrd. 
Grea*,  kiked,  is  Li^  ^ctetio:i  o7  the  oil  of  ^sdiieiss ;  an  oil  with  whicb 
tie  br^i  iofttned  iLe  alfeadj  soft  heart  tf  the  Pc-srT.isier-GaieT^  Ona 
Z.  W- Dxvjs,  tlluuiTitir?  25,  Pnaces  SiTeet,  llile  End,  wntcs  tbna 
jo;."ful:y  ;o  the  rcjoicinz  H^jralng  Herald  :^~ 

"  Sn.— Yci  vlU  be  frl&d  :?  tnr.  iha:  thrc^eb  the  Uai  instnimecuU^  cf  the  Lord 
Biihcp  tf  Oiford,  R.  G.  How-Lrir.  tb«  I*:T*r-c*rT-;er.  vh-  w&i  dUciucd  flrom  tlift 
G<:C(-raI  Pf'S'.-OSee  la  NcTsmlxr  la^Lfr  diftrl^-^tir^jhml-Vin^k^cn  Suadaj  Ubrar 
tbcreia,  has  been  i«-«ppf  inted  to  a  alnadis  in  iLa:  I  rtccb  :'  tht  psbUc  Mrrifie  lij  itas 


"  Knocking  up  done  here  at  2d.  a^week  '* 

Wk  arc  told  by  our  aj^ceablc  friend  "IIr/u»ehold  Word*,"  that  a  new 
kind  of  business  cxbts  at  Manchester,  called  "  Icnoclung;  up."  This 
consists  in  "  knfx^king  up"  factor/  people  at  an  early  hour  in  the  mom- 
ing,  in  orrier  tluit  ihcy  may  U;  m  time  for  their  work.  One  woman 
earus  at  much  its  four-aiid-twcnty  shilling  a-week  by  "  knocking  uji"  \ 
persfius,— which  sirif:e  a  lady  is  concerned,  is  much  better  than  knocking 
them  down.  Couldn't  this  "  knocking  up"  bu&iness  be  applied  to  Par- 1 
liament?  It  would  Ijc  quite  a  relief  to  AIr.  Bkotbekton.  Instead  of 
his  rising  alwavs  to  adjourn  the  House,  and  getting  laughed  at  for  his 
pains,  wmv.  old  woman,  "  for  2rf.  a-week,"  might,  punctually  as  the 
dock  stnirk  twelve,  knock  at  the  door  of  the  iiousc  of  Commons,  and 
cry  out,  "  Ojrnc,  get  up ;"  and  the  House  accordingly  would  rise,  and 
^  about  its  business.  At  all  events,  the  plan  would  be  so  far  good, 
that  it  would  have  the  effect  of  waking  up  the  members,  for  it  must  be 
eonfeased  that  occasionally —an,  for  instance,  this  last  session— the 
House  is  cxccjihivcl^'  .^Icepv,  uud  sadly  wants  stirring  up.  One  thing  is 
▼ery  certain,— that  if  the  House  is  ever  "  knocked  upj^'^it  will  never  be 
from  the  quantify  of  work  it  has  done. 


TUE  QUEKS  AT  OSTEKD. 

TiTR  reception  of  the  Q(;ren  at  f  )stend  is  described  as  dull.  AVc 
uiiglit  lukve  ex)M:cli-d  tlie  people  of  Oatcnd  to  have  been  a  little  more 
(Miend-tttiiouM  in  their  dcuioustrations. 


Very  kind,  very  forpvine,  th;*,  cf  t:-e  Marquess ;  the  more  so^ 
much  as  the  discontent  and  conspiracy  of  the  tribe  of  Howletts 
roaiiJy  instrumental  to  the  manufacture  of  the  petitions  with  which 
Lord  Ashley,  armed  in  the  innocence  of  sheep  parchment,  attacked 
the  Sabbath -breakers  in  the  House  of  Commons.  It  is  notorioua,  that 
the  treasonous  practices  of  the  country  Post-Office  servants  were  of 
fatal  influence  aeainst  the  idleness  and  indifference  of  the  mass  of  the 
people ;  idle  ana  indifferent,  because  the  Smidav  closing  of  the  ootmtiy 
Post  was  considered  no  other  than  an  unmeanmg  rant  of  a  party,  who 
"  think  they  're  pious  when  they  're  only  bilious.'*  Every  ten  yean  at 
most,  some  phosphoric  prophet  foretells  the  end  of  the  world,  giving  the 
day  and  the  hour;  nevertheless,  folks  do  not  go  into  sackdLotb,  and 
powder  their  heads  with  ashes:  and  tradesmen  are  no  whit  less  indif- 
ferent to  the  tender  of  a  bad  shilliner.  .:Vnd  thus  it  was  with  the  bray  of 
the  Sabbatarians.  The  world  received  it  as  only  an  evidence  of  length 
of  cars,  taking  no  heed  of  its  menaced  heels.  And  the  Dcrb^-day  came^ 
and — in  the  House  of  Commons— the  bray  became  a  note  ol  triomph. 

But  all  is  to  be  forgiven  and  forgotten.  The  hundreds  of  people  who 
have  suffered  the  piety  of  Lord  Ashlet  ;  the  sick,  with  the  survivors 
of  the  dead ;  the  anxious  and  the  harassed,  all  pardon  his  Lordship  the 
t^Tanny  of  his  saintly  goodness ;  for  which  no  doubt  his  Lordship,  in 
the  bigness  of  his  heart,  is  very  properly  penitent,  and  abundantly  grate- 
ful.   Ashley  shall  be  forgiven,  and  Howlett  restored. 

Nevertheless,  the  Marquess  op  Cl\sric.uide,  by  his  re^pfpoint- 
ment  of  the  treasonous  Howlett,  has  taken  a  linre  trump  canf  from 
the  hands  of  the  Sabbatarians.  It  was  the  misfortune  of  Punch  to 
censure  Howlett  into  the  receipt  of  £50,  iudignantlv  laid  down  for  him 
by  some  well-meaning  soiJ,  shocked  and  outraged  by  the  harmleaa 
lenity  that  PMweh — according  to  his  wont — poured  upon  the  head  of  tho 
discharged  ]>ostman,  Howlett,  blistered  by  Punek*i  ink,  was  salved 
and  comforted  by  a  sanative  bit  of  bank  paper.  But  Punch  required 
further  and  better  treatment  of  Howlett  ;  when,  lo !  the  mercifbl» 
kind-hearted  Marquess  steps  in — or  is  rather  pulled  into  the  rescue  by 
a  Bishop — and  Howlett,  the  martyr,  is  restored  to  his  original  con- 
dition. Is  there  no  abiding  reward  in  this  world  for  the  lowlvchampkm 
of  truth  ?  We  had  hoped  to  see  Howlett  maintained  in  Sabhatanm 
clover,  the  pet  example  of  Post-Office  piety. 

*'  For  fa«  on  hoDcy-dcv  bms  fed. 
And  dnafc  tha  milk  of  FandlK." 

This  should  have  been  the  amended  condition  of  the  victim  ex* 

Sistmon,  had  the  Postmaster-General  bc«u  less  yielding  to  a  bishop. 
owlett  would  have  been  the  stall-fed  martyr  of  Exeter  Hall.  AhH^ 
as  in  Catholic  countries,  certain  relics  are  on  certain  days  exhibited  to 
the  populace ;  so,  on  certain  gatJierings,  would  our  Howlett,  with  a 
niddier  tint  upon  his  cheek,  a  sleeker  texture  of  skin,  and  a  growing 
dignity  of  abdomen,  been  presented  to  the  elect  of  the  Hall,  as  a  lovely 
and  flourishiug  example  of  well-rewarded  piety,  careful^  taken  in  and 
abundmitly  done  for  oy  IjOhd  Asuley  and  his  cinder-loving  followers. 
Vauxhali  has  its  Flower-Show ;  why  not  Exeter  HaU  its  Martyr- 
Show  P 


I 


L 


PUNCH.  OR  I^E  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Even  with  Howlftt  r.-vturi-'I  in  tin-  Vn-t-DiT^f   )i 
fellow-Uboiirers  of  x\\ 
HuwLETT,  kept  at  i?ii' 
would  have  been  a  twoftjUl  Liuiinjlc  U  l!ic. 
BcnerositT  of  the  Sahhatarlau  rich.      How'i 
aelightful  kIqss  to  the  j>ious  test  of  our  Asm  ; 

i^^iiL  the  iliriliop  of  OxfortI,  in  bis  alt  unv. 
he  conif^'ft  ni:!!  lirirluiMr  KowLETT?  d'l.V^ 
aud  ^  :<ick  of  Li.'' 

was  ^  I'  mnHyr,  * 

might  liuv_ 

Wc  mu^f , 
that  )"■  "  ■  , .;  .,i  i^...,;  .,,.,L  ^■J  i,..«^  .., 

the  \i  \iiDB  has  already  )|>rovidcd 

ho  ciK  :, 

•• a  iT«  lilin  ft  \ir*Tf 

Mont  piftiUcd  ibaa  Itia  ftUom :  mo 


■    iv    a    il:.IU'_    Imiirlv   example  tO   his 

It  :    but  with 
IS  beater — lie 

r   llu;  c tjiu-iit::i'.iQ;j,3  lowly,  and  the 
!id  thriviug,  would  tiave  afforded  a 

lias  misled  a  chaiicc.    ^Vhy  did  nut 

:c  clntlird  him  in  episcopal  purple, 

'd  pcnorftUon  what  glory 

'  bononr.    Thi?  Oxford 


for  thiftf  saying  with  Bauamo  when 


It  done." 

lExii  Howtott;  into  FottOffice. 


TH£  SMILE 


THE  FBOWN. 


TO  SEA-SIDE  LODGERS.— IMPORTAKT. 
Ma.  PuffCH, 

Mike  is  &  hard  case.    I  ain  a  sofa — a  taohonny  and  horse-hair  sofa — at  a  watering- 

Elacc,  on  the  coa&t  of  Kent,  fur  I  won't  be  too  particular.  As  a  sofa,  I  txpect  to  he  put  upou ; 
ut  even  sofas  may  hare  more  than  they  can  or  ou^t  to  bear.  I  come  of  honest  mahogany, 
and  the  first  horse-hair.  My  mahogany,  in  its  green  state,  grow  in  Honduras,  where  (as  1 
heard  a  parly  sing  ouc  of  your  songs  last  Chrisnnas,  four  of  .'om  sitting  oa  me  at  the  same 
time) — wncro,  Mr.  Punch— 

*■  Oft  in  my  hougbi  birds  of  nm  |»lam« 
Sang  III  my  blAom;" 

and  for  my  horsc'liair,  that  is  from  thr  maucs  and  tails  of  more  tholi  one  racer,  who,  althoneh 
long  since  gone  to  the  dops  himself,  has  still  left  silvcr-cupa  to  iJostcriiy.  And  this  much. 
Mr.  PMHeh,  for  my  rcspectuhility.  Now  comes  my  grieTaiicc,  whicli  I  make  known  to  you 
as  a  warning  to  e%'ery  bodv— 'aiHicially  unprolocted  females— coming  to  tlie  seaside. 

Mrs.  Finoebcaddy,  of  Seagull  Cottage,  lets,  what  she  calls,  furnished  lodgings.  Last 
week  our  parlours  were  to  ^  out  on  Weuneadav  morning ;  and  two  elderly  maiden  ladies  to 
come  with  their  trunks  at  iu«ht.  No  soonnr  had  the  lirst  lodgt;rs  left  than  I— the  nudtogany 
and  horse-hair — was  Imndli-d  out  of  the  imrlour  into  the  kitehen ;  where  at  about  seven  at 
night  T  I'^-.rJ  tl..-  f.,n,A-;.,.-  t  .u-  l„-t«,.,.,i  f|„.  j,p^  lodgers  just  come  and  my  mistress  above. 

*C  hDV,  whrre's  the  sofa?'* 

*M\  i  I    .  soft  and  inuoceiit  as  milk, 

"Why,  iluit  muhuitduy  iui.l  liurMj-liair  sofa,"  says  the  other  lady,  her  voice  rising,  "that 
stood  there — yes,  in  that  place,  there.'* 

"  Oh,  that  sofa,"  said  SIks,  ¥.,  and  I  trembled  with  shame  when  I  heard  her,  "That  sofa. 
htdies.  wns  only  hired." 

"  Hired !  "  screeched  the  two  ladies. 

"  Hired  and  gone  home ;  but  for  only  holf-a^rowa  a  week,  you  con  liavc  it  here  and  welcome. 
H>If-«-crown  a  week." 

But,  l*m  ^lad  to  say  it.  the  bodies  saw  the  cheat;  and  wouldn't  pay— «ad  not  psTing,  I 
remain  Ktill  m  the  kitchen. 


Mr.  PiiHck,  let  me  be  broken  up  and  ripped  to 
pieces;  take  out  my  liorse-hair,  and  spin  it  into 
tackle  to  eaten  fishes — turn  it  iiito  springes  to 
ratch  woodcocks :  but,  so  far  as  you  can  help 
me,  don't  let  nm  be  mudc  a  trap  aud  a  line  to 
catch  the  nnsiupecting lodgers  at  Seagull  CottAge. 


TIk  Kikken. 


Yours,  A  Soya. 


"  NO  SUCH  LUCK." 

{49  SttNff  mth  ffftai  Jppfatw  at  (he  Si.  PanTi 
Jkan  and  Chapter  Conctrit.) 

SowB  one  wrote  we  M  our  twopenpe  abolished— 

A    ' 


But.  bless  yii  nl  oiii  their  blunder^ 

That  day  \^  ;il  haul, 

Twenty  ihjuikIs  Sir.  .md  not  a  rap  under, 

Wc  took  at  the  Church  of  St.  Paul— 
Tol-de— roll 

Thfv  M  a  notion  we  *d  had  some  misgivings, 

T  '  > .(  wc  M  agreed  it  was  low, 

\'  .iisaud--^  and  lots  of  rich  livings 

['■  .■  r.-..i'ing  a  twopenny  show- 
Hut,  bless  ^ou— it  'a  very  well  talking, 

But  a  brown  is  a  brown  the  world  over — 
VergerB'  pay  Mhy  should  we  out  be  forking. 

Wheu  the  twopeuces  keen  'cm  in  clover T 
Tol-de-roll 

80,  ladies  and  gentlemen,  walk  np— 

As  usual,  pay  at  the  door — 
Xiet  objectors  at  once  give  tlicir  talk  up, 

AVc  ll  astonish  the  browns  as  before ; 
TVe  '1!  stdl  ttike  our  stand  on  our  copper — 

Fii'st-rate  is  our  show,  as  you  *11  see — 
Ajid  like  other  rirst-mte!>  it  '9  quite  proi)cr, 

That  it  copper-bcttomed  should  be. 
Tol— de— rol ! 


MY  STARS  AND  GARTERS! 

The  Star  and  Oarter,  at  lUchmond,  has  lately 
given  rise  to  a  scene  of  a  very  singidar  eliaracter. 
The  waiters  have  gmwn  seutinicntal  over  their 
chiefj  and  have  been  giving  a  piece  of  plate  to 
him  at  the  Dysart  Arms,  Petersham.  Several 
speeches  were  ma-de,  in  which  "  old  associations  " 
were  fecUn^y  alluded  to,  iml  the  head  waitcr'i 
health  ha^nng  been  drunk,  the  air  of  *'  Tho9e 
Ectninff  Belu "   waa   plaved,   as   beinnr  appro- 

firiatc  to  the  immense  nuiiiDcr  of  bells  wiiich  may 
)t  heard,  all  ringing  at  once,  in  the  hall  of  the 
Star  (uid  Garter  on  a  suuniier  Sunday's  evening. 
Tlie  heiid  waiter,  in  returning  thanks,  so  affected 
hi.i  fellow -waiters,  that  tbey  were  compelled  to 
absorb  llieir  tears  in  tlieir  napkins. 

The  piece  of  plate  was  a  smvcr  with  an  inscrip- 
tion, in  which  the  head  waiter  was  szdved  over 
with  compliments  to  an  immense  extent,  and 
there  was  inscribed  in  the  centre,  as  a  motto, 
tiic  words  "  Coming,  coming,"  in  allusion  to 
which  the  reeipiont  was  fre<iuently  spoken  of  as 
"  the  Coming  Man." 

We  regret  it  is  not  in  our  power  to  give  any  of 
the  speccucs  tliat  were  spoken  on  the  occasion, 
but  m  the  course  of  the  evening  a  great  deal 
waa  sjiid  on  the  anhjcct  of  the  Wrtues  of  the 
head  waiter,  who,  it  was  stated^  liad  Ijecn  known 
to  hand  five  hundred  breads  in  forty  minutes, 
wipe  three  himdrcd  glasses  in  half  an  liour,  pour 
out  eighty  ghisses  of  clmmpagne,  and  excuiim, 
"Commg  directly.  Sir,"  to  eighty  appbcants  at 
once,  witnout  gouig  near  one,  or  givmg  offence 
to  any.  

Tint  Moot  Desibablx  SETc\a»acKt.vs»."^iH«i.- 


I 

I 


THE  QUEEN  AT  SEA. 

We  could  not  have  a  more  oppro- 
priate  Sovereign  for  the  Britisli  Isles 
Ibau  her  present  31&JESTr,  who  is 
perfectly  al  home  at  sea,  and  tvlio 
rnmuhes  an  excellent  representative 
of  }iHiT&NMA,  of  vaveruling  cele- 
brity. Among  the  lavage  put  on 
tx>ard  the  royal  yacht  fur  the  con- 
templated cruise  to  Ostcud.  were  a 
ouw  and  a  piano :  n  couple  of  articles 
ahoving  that  thcQcEES  apprehended 
nothing  from  the  rouglmess  of  the 
weather,  to  disturb  }»cr  ordinary  ar- 
TMigcmenls,  but  that  »hc  would  be 
able  to  enjoy  her  tea  and  music  as 
usual.  Tue  wind  being  somewhat 
boisterous,  it  miglit  liave  been  feared 
that  the  piano  would  luve  been 
raised  a  good  de/il  higher  than  con- 
cert pitcti  by  the  pitching  of  the 
vesaef.  As  to  the  cow,  its  notions  of 
a  toss  up  would  have  been  a  little  ex* 
tended  by  the  freaks  of  NBmiKE,but 
there  would  be  no  immediate  danger 
to  the  animal,  m\\css  any  unskilful 
hand  on  board  should  have  got  to  the 
pioap,  and  atruck  up  the  tune  the 
cow  died  of,  in  an  unguarded  moment. 


^^-"^^^^h^ 


Mr.  B.  wox't  have  a  man  with  not,  as  he  thd^kb  he  cas 

UAMAOe  A  rUNT  BIT  niUSELF  ;   AND  THB   CONSEQUENCE   IS.  UE 

IS  OBUGED  TO  OO  TO    BED    WHILE    UIS    THINGS    ARE   DBIED, 

lUVlNO   UPSET   HIUBEL7,   A3  A   lUTTER  07  COOBSB. 


It  strikes  us  that  the  "  President's 
Tour "  is  very  much  in  tiie  style  of  a 
commercial  traveller,  travellinar  uboat 
the  countr>%  visiting  the  ditferent 
towns,  for  imperial  orders.  Whether 
Lotj;3  Napoleon  will  return  with 
the  crown  and  sceptre,  wlu'ch  lie  has 
st/irted  (acoording  to  that  nopnUr 
iuformaut^  Humour,  who  is  tlic  Edi- 
tor of  tlie  poor  man's  .l/o«*yrtcr,)with 
the  object  of  bringing  back  with 
him,  apt>cars  very  doubtful  The 
returns  which  the  Mahon  NapoUon 
et  dc  have  received  at  Paris  from 
Besan^ou,  and  the  different  parts  of 
Alaatia,  are:  "Veiy  flat— nothing 
doing.*' 


LORD  TORIUKGTON  S  AllMS. 

The  "VNliigs  arc  about  to  grant 
new  honours  to  the  governor  of  Cey- 
lon, In  memory  of  his  administra- 
tion of  that  island  he  is  hencefortJi 
to  quarter  a  Shot  Buddhist  Priest, 
and  a  Taxed  Doe  Proper,  Motto— 
"  CErtoN  Ui  rcffkM," 


Railway  Intelligence* 

Mr.  I'Hnch  is  authorised  to  contradict,  in  his  strongest  manner,  a 
malicious  report  that  Lo&D  Bhououam  had  been  cngajmi  to  work  all 
the  trains,  up  and  down,  on  the  Eastern  Railway,  viet  m  the  Ute  hands, 
disohargcu. 


A  Betum  in  Kind. 

Wb  have  often  chronicled  the  visits  of  Kint;  Leopold  to  Quebst 
ViCTORU.  At  lost  QtTEEN  Victouta  has  paid  her  return  visit  to 
King  IjEOPOLD.  Let  us  hope  that  Flemish  liospitality,  unlike  EleuiaU 
book-publishiiig,  may  produce  something  better  than  a  conUefa^OH  Beige. 


4 
I 


i 


CONSTANTINOPLE  SEMOVED  TO  REGENT 
STREET. 


PUNCH.  OR  TFFE   LONDON  CHARIVARL 


97 


Y  at  least  two  mites  less  of  water  in  it,  Cousttui- 
tinople  differs  (rom  alt  other  I  We 

have  been  ovutTiiu  with  so  i.  Utcly, 

liiftt  it  ia  qiiitc  A  relief,  i\^"-  '  .thing 

but  calaracts  ii)  uui  t>:  i  .  again. 

Tin:   coakiiey,  who  hti^  irs  on 

b04ird  a  stctuiicr,  could  uut  bchuiil  Margate 
jetty  with  Kicater  delight,  than  wo  h.iilrd  the 
miiuret*  of  Conatouiinople,  j'  ! 

about  for  months  and   moi:'  i 

WL..!--    ..f    n,..    V,l..    ,,,..1    li-    ■  -,,.,„.        ;ic 

li  swimming 

at.  lluit  a  little 

valking  ha*  done  ns  an  tntmou:^L>  <•!  ^oud. 

It  must  be  oonfeMed  Uiat  tbe  wulkiiig  is  very  different  to  a  stroll  up 
Kegent  Street  or  a  lounge  in  the  Park.  The  walk  is  invested  with  on 
the  interest  wtiich  the  Urat  walk  in  a  new  citv  always  afl'ords  a  stranaer 
Two  eyes  are  soarccly  sulGcient  to  notice  all  ibe  stran^  sights  that 
meet  >ou  at  the  corner  of  every  street ;  and  one  mouth  is  at  a  loss  to 
find  exclamations — ^muoh  leas  words — to  expiess  tbe  wonder  upon 
wonder  that  tills  vou  at  the  discovery  of  each  new  beauty.  There  is 
nothing  so  deligfatiu]  aa  this  kind  of  walking,  luu  cbooac  some  dark 
comer  of  the  room, and  there  unseen  by  everyoii  -'  'iuff  no  one. 
you  leave  Kai^land«  and  all  tbought!)  of  dun^  an'!  ii>l  aousehold 

cares,  far  belund  you.    The  next  minute  you  oj  •      .  ..*'s,  and  find 

TDursclf  wandering  aboat  in  the  streets  of  some  furui^u  laoitftJ.  You 
Lave  no  necessity  to  leave  your  scat ;  only  give  yourself  up  to  the 

iiictorial  influence  of  the  scene,  and  let  your  eyes  walk  inaleaa  of  vour 
egs.  It  18  more  amusing,  len  fatiguing,  and  does  not  vear  out  aiioe- 
leather. 

You  are  in  the  Polytechnic  Iruttitution — at  biast  you  were  a  minute 
ago — for  now  5  ou  are  in  the  Cemeterv  of  Eyoub — umike  the  oeuieteries 
in  London,  for  tt  is  outside  the  town ;  out  then  you  must  not  be  surprised, 
for  rou  should  recollect  that  we,  £ughfib,  are  the  moat  civilised  nation 
in  the  world,  imd  that  Turkey  is  oulv  as  yet  in  a  half  bjirbaroiis  h[Mc. 
This  leads  you  into  tbe  street  of  lombs.  Make  bo^le,  bend  yourself 
double,  for  that  tine  gentleman  on  the  white  horse  like  Timour  ike 
Tattar  is  tbe  Sultan,  and,  if  yon  fail  to  give  the  passing  salaam,  a 
gentleman  may  come  behind  you  and  whisk  your  bead  off  as  cleanly  as 


risiting  Ijondon  and  not  ^ing  to  see  the  Kxeier  ChAn(*e  Arcade, 
idea  that  there  is  i  *         1   .  -.     .  •■.  .      .       .« 

one  moment's  sta) 


The 


lit  to  (he  Sobo  B.iy.Bar,  or  (ho 

hnjro  men,  who  look  so  uiir  thai 

'!-ft'd.     There  are  no  pretty 

II  li>  Imv  iiKi'lesH  (biiii:*<  Mm 

I  fin  J 


idea  that  there  is  anr  simllanly  Itotween  the  two  will  be  dispelled  rJler 
IV,  for  in  a  Turkish  bazaar  there  is  actiTitv,  and  life, 
and  business,  ana  sbo|>s  not  only  with  goods  but  with  customers,  and 
no  Beadle  to  parade  ouickly  up  and  down,  as  a  mokc-bcUevo  that  the 
place  is  an  immense  tnoroM"-!'  -'- 

A  Turkish  Bazaar  ftgn 
Pantheon,  for  the  stalls  :>.•■ 
you  cannot  help  helit-  ■- 

firls,  with  pretty  en. 
0  not  want.  It  is  i-l- 
Bazaars  you  inert  a( 

sungin  chamcler,  n<:  I        ,,  _.    ,    ^ ^    ,... 

more  like  the  liowtiirr  Aroadr  than  anytiiinc  else — for  ailtiief^ooas 
Kre  thnjwn  out  of  window,  and  nm  all  over  the  parprtK^nt,  civins?  you 
the  notion  that  ihey  hitd  lieen  !ihot  owt  of  a  c^irl,  1'  upurutory 

to  being  stowed  away  in  a  wlhir.    There  is  tin  .  Iinwcver, 

that  the  "^l ■■■;'■'  •■-"  of  t\v:  Lowther  Arcade  do  H'  i  .-li.  il^^  tmlorson 
their  boiii  lidst  of  their  goods  ;   for  as  muht  of  the  Lowthpr 

worlis  of  i.  T  ten-etips,  jmd  tumblers,  nnd  Bohectiinn  glasses 

from  Birmiui^hain.  this  Turkish  mot  bod  of  keeping  a  shop  wotild  be 
attendrd  with  no  little  danger. 

The  time  is  wearing  on,  and   we  huvc  not  half  finished  our  walk. 
Tliere  in  the  Grand  Mosque  ot  St  Sopbift^  whith  remimU  u^^  one*-  more 

)i;is   not  a  hUlu'ki 

We  bavr  not 

!  iVL's  nre  so  fond 

'ij>on  thrir 

-lorj'of  tho 

I  x rooked 

"uk, — nor 

.:. ._   .on  are  not 


l.-.rl. 


.1'    It, 


most  painfully  "f 

pew,  and,  greaf- 

yet  visited  the  : 

of  lieing  sold,  that  ihi:v  utLuidiv  jira>,  mA 

knees,  to  be  IwuKht,  wliirh  rciuu)ai>  us  of  tin 

eels  not  at  all  disliking  the  process  thc>  1     ' 

— nor  have  we  been  into  a  coffee-In-ii 

penetrated  into  the  interior  of  aiy-  of  tJ. 

allowed  to  enter  without  taking  off  your  boots,  it  may  be  as  well  to 

remain  outside,  for,  npon  onr  askimr  for  a  b*)nt-iiiek,  we  wrre  told  there 

was  not  one  upon  t)ie  premises     There  are  also  the  Bunil  Column. 

vhioh  has  been  the  hero  that  has  sitxxl  a  hundred  fires,  and  never  llinehed 

once, — and  the  Uippodrome — and  tlie  Sublime  Portej  which  is  more  tite 

colour  of  Sherry,  or  Bucellas,  than  the  sublime  li<|ujd  it  has  dinwn  its 

name  from— and  the  beautiful  view  of  Constantinople  from  the  Bos- 

i)honis,  with  its  thousand  minaret!!,  which  look  like  a  forest  of 
hfoRDAV's  cvcr-ixiinled  penrils,  or  more  llkrnmny  «ilrrreft*r*of  raiistir, 
— tbe  black  points  exaefly  resembling  ''  '■  "  '  '  I  very 
lunar  compound.     We  liavr  all  IhejM^  1  -tlio 

veil  of  whieh  is  lifted,  and  its  mystcrit :     ,,  .     .;.     ...  ,..i. ^  j.  .e  of 


if  he  were  pUying  at  kuock-'em-dowus.  and  your  bead  was  the  woodtm              harem-scaren.  youth.     Our  time  ih  pn  rK,u.-so  n.u.t  we  bring 
pincushion.     The  Sultan  w  followed  by.  a  long  escort  of  dors,  who  arc  |  ^^^  J^oiDenade  to  an  abn.pt  teruunati.m  


I 


nghting  away,  "  like  regular  Turks."     'I  he.'te  ani 
and-dog-life,  for  they  arr  always  quarrelling,  untl  i  \ 

a  pauper  and  is  thrown  on  the  parish,  it  m  unfot  <  ,    .  , 

not  happen  to  be  his  own  parish^  for  ail  the  other  do^  &et  npcm  him  rmd 
bunt  him  to  death,  in  tJiia  way  is  he  nas&ed  from  parish  toijarish,  so  that 
he  is  a  verv  luckv  dofr,  if  he  reaches  his  own  jiansh  with  a  wholn  skin. 
The  traveller  sliould  not  snarl,  like  a  cynic,  over  these  nu's^ruided 
crcatnree,  for  he  should  recollect  that  but  a  short  tinu?  ago  paupers  in 
KngUud  were  tceated  rery  little  belter  tbun  dogs. 

Inat  building  opposite,  which  reminds  you  of  the  CUfton  Baths  at 
Oravesend.  is  a  mosque.  You  need  not  wait  to  look  at  it,  for  yon  will 
sec  plenty  more  in  your  day's  mnible — Constantinople  is  fnll  of  stich 
mosques.  They  arc  somewhat  like  the  Pavilion  at  Brighton,  onl^  higbk 
gtiL  lltcT  have  beautiful  domes,  to  which  tiic  domes  we  ace  in  rarK 
Terrace,  negent's  Park,  are  nure  thimbles.  No  stranger  is  admitted 
into  them,  not  even  up<m  payment  of  money,  which  is  mther  astoniah- 
ing,  for  cousidermg  the  late  Sultan  introduced  into  Turkey  many 
European  uaagee,  wo  wonder  thai  he  overlooked  the  admirable  two- 
pennv-haUpena/  ayBtems  of  St.  Paul's  and  Westminster  Abbey, 
which  rank,  with  justice,  amongst  Iho  highest  proofs  ot  our  superior 
civilistttion. 

The  next  ofadcct,  you  are  told,  is  the  Golden  Horn,  only  it  is  as  much 
like  a  horn  as  Bottersea  is  like  a  Sea  of  Batter.  Fountains,  which,  we 
are  reluctantly  oom{»eiled  to  confess,  surpass  in  elegance  our  pumps, 
invite  you  to  drink  m  everv  direction,  and  from  the  fountain  wc  arc  fed 
by  4  natuml  spring  to  the  Bath. 

These  Baths  arc  very  different  to  our  Bath^  and  Wasidrausesi,  and 
wem  to  be  uuicb  fuumer.  The  ligures  are  very  amu!>tng|  iml  we  mcrei 
there  are  no  I'urkish  batlut  in  Iiondon.  for  we  have  looc  dlsbelieTed  in 
the  Hahouimedou  origin  of  Maiiomhed.  ever  since  he  last  answered  us 
in  an  unmistakeablo  Irish  accent.  The  regnlatinns  of  these  bathii  seem 
to  be  on  the  dinner  princiule,  of  three  courses  and  a  dessert,  the  latter 
consisting  uf  a  cup  of  oonee  and  a  pipe.  In  oppeanncc,  the  csiublish- 
ments  look  bke  immense  Uycrs'  and  Calendcrers  ,  and  we  not -n*  ,i  .  \a.^ 
fat  Alderman  of  a  Turk,  who,  in  tbe  first  course,  was  of  a  H;i  c 

colour,  come  out  at  hist  an  elegant  rosv-piiu  co"ipU'.\ion,  1  :i 

prawn.  These  dyeiiig  baths  would  ne  of  lugu  value  to  nany  of 
our  young  meu,  who,  imm  a  long  curriculum  of  study  nt  the  Ca  iuo  and 
Vatahall,  have  lost  all  tlicir  colour. 

A  visit  to  Constantinople  without  going  to  a  Basftar  would  be  like 


ind  lake  leave  of  Mk.  AlXoU, 

]  after  thanking  him  for  havtmr  fruidcU   us-  so  agrc(>ably  through   the 

parlours,  and  sIiouk,  and  palacef;,  and  eellarw,  uiid  sppiei  Pupl«>.inlH  of 

'  Coiwtanliiioplr      Pie  ho-s  shuwn  »is  wl,'^  '        '"  '       il'Jiie 

iK'fore  him— he  has  thmwn  optu  the  li  -.sni 

us  to  peep  iiiside.    The  Panoroum  ul   ■;..;,..:..,; ^icnt 

advantage — you  not  only  visit  Turkey,  but  you  also  ace  the  'lurks  al 
home. 

Ajju'.rt  Smith,  in  his  "TVo  MoMih  at  GM*fafiiinojiL',"  gives  us 
the  hst  of  idl  his  expenses,  down  to  a  lucifer  match.  whieJi  arc  not  only 
very  useful,  but  hignlv  amusing.  Su])i>oeie  Uiutwe,  in  our  *'  Tttv  /hurt 
at  CoHstantin'foU,*'  fcolow  the  same  ufidul  plan,  for  the  benelll  of  future 
travellers  to  llic  Pulyorama. 

<    d. 

Kxprivteit  to  Coiutantinppla  10 

C«h  tliprfl  KQd  hack  [say  two  mUwil  ....    9    0 

DbUi  llUD  at  n'ljxluinf;  iuuU7-cva^« 0    8 

L»lt«r  to  B|iprf&p  (ftmlly  of  (iiirsftfc  rvlura,  uid  l]i«t  ve  aliAuld 

br  bomn  Lu  dlmter    . .01 

CmBJogiio 06 


Total  of  Journay  to  Conalanllnaplb 


.1    II 


I^oring,  over  the  sum  which  Albert  Sxitu  spent  in  ihonmejouincy, 
a  balance  in  our  favour  of  1^59  16f.  it^. 


tn  Medio  [Non)  futfsslmua. 


ii 


TUK  Correspondent  of  1!  i  >;xt.  de^cribiug  the  .street  prepa- 

rations prpiared  for  the  C"  ;  it  ion  at  Osteiid.  spe.iks  of  *' the 

Pnissian  Kiurle  that  srem.i  ...  ,.ik  :>  lly  both  ways  nt  once ;  "  a  Iiapny 
emblem,  surely,  for  a  kingdom  that  dare  not  be  desiKitie.  and  can't  ue 
libATol ;  that  hultA  in  a  luUf-and-half  flight  &om  Ihe  .-tWilulisu  of  a 
Prussian  Court,  to  the  anarchy  of  a  Frsinkfort  Assembly. 

tnB  bJum^EMKN  or  ltons. 

LputB  Napoleok,  on  his  recent  visit  to  Lyons,  Pecalled  the  words  of 
the  Emperor,  and  renuested  the  Ci'v  irf  l^\o!i5  tft  lovt*  him.     He  did  his 
best  to  clothe  liimscli  in  the  wcmdhaiid  habitf  of  his  illustrious  imele, 
and  litnis  NArotios  in  Lynns  must  have  reminded  many  q(  tba  "L^i^* 
of  the  ignoblcr  onimid  in  the  Lion's  skin. 


Vol.  XIX,— 1860. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


wilb  inward 
the  pocket ; 


EALtiY  we  nerer  recollect 
rcadmg  a  inatriuiouial  ad- 
Tcrtisement — (and  we  al. 
ways  read  matriuiODial 
advcrtiscmcnU  in  the 
same  way  that  wc  always 
read  the  second  column  of 
the  first  page  of  the  TiiM», 
and  Ijori)  B&ougbam's 
and  SiBTHORr's  speeches, 
anil  F.  M.  the  Xfuxe  or 
WtLLiKGTON's  letters. 
because  they  are  sure  to 
coiitain  something  to  a- 
muse  ns) — without  some 
such  line  as  the  follow- 
ing:-- 

"  Punvrr  t$  vor  ao  icuai 

LODKBo  roa  AS  AX  A<ttKa*BLa 

CoKPAlflOM." 

What  volnmes  the  above 
line  says  for  the  disinte- 
restedness of  the  present 
dav !  and  what  a  proud 
refutation  it  is  to  that 
grumbling  herd  of  sceptics 
who  are  always  railing 
against  the  cupidity  oT 
man,  and  the  nnirersal 
influence  of  Mammon ! 
Besides  wc  always  smile 
satififaoiion,  when  we  find  that  matrimony  is  still  an  alTectioa  of  the  heart  and  not  of 
and  that  nflcr  all,  woman  herself  is  the  gre^t  object,  and  not  her  fortune. 


BEGINNW^Q  AT  THE  PROPER  EKD. 

As  all  the  business  of  Parliament  seems  to 
be  transacted  in  the  last  month  of  its  sattimiB; 
as  all  theprenous  port  of  the  Session  is  tuoi 
up  in  t&Iking,  and  party-fighting;  «s  it  is 
very  dear  that  fire  months  out  of  its  liqje  an 
wasted,  in  no  kind  of  beuelit  to  the  ualioQ; 
'  would  it  not  be  better  for  Parliament  to  ^^ 
pcnse»  for  the  future,  with  those  five  BumUiL 
and  to  aaaemble  in  that  month  durinArvhia 
the  business  is  reaU^  transacted  ?  We  arv 
sure  if  the  Houses  of  Parhament  were  to  be 
opened  on  tlie  1st  of  July,  or  the  1st  of 
August,  instead  of  in  February,  that  a  great 
deal  of  time  and  worry  would  be  spared  to  all 
partie^  and  that  the  affairs  of  ilie  nation, 
insteaa  of  being  retarded^  would  be  mate- 
riallv  advanced  oy  this  wise  alteration.  It 
would  look  like  beginning  at  the  wrouz  end, 
but  we  are  confident  that  the  wrong  end,  in 
this  mstance,  would  prove  the  right  one ;  to 
much  so,  that  even  Lord  Juun  Rr!UELi^ 
with  his  interminable  notions  of  FinaU^. 
could  not  possibly  object  to  it. 


KEAT   AKD  APPBOPEIATB. 

Thxt  presented  Jenwt  Li.vd  with  m  te»> 
kettle  at  Liverpool, —probably  from  the  welt- 
known  proficiency  of  that  utensil  in  singing. 

rULGAA  AKENPMZNT  07  AW   OLD   FBOTBU, 

"  In  Vino  Veuitable-Ass  *'  —  Beoaaae^ 
when  a  man  is  dronk^  he  is  sore  to  make  tm 
ass  of  himself. 


I 


I 


THE  PIMLICO  'BUSSES. 

When  we  were  at  school,  we  used  in  oar  thcracs  to  select  Fabios 
M  our  great  stAnding  eitamnle  of  delay,  but  if  we  now  required  a  stand- 
ing exmiiple  of  delay,  we  cuould  select  a  Fimlioo  'Bus  as  our  staple 
commodity.  The  manner  in  which  these  vehicles  "drag  their  alow 
lenurth  along  "  is  something  quite  umiqtte  iu  its  way,  and  we  frequcutly 
make  the  racnt&l  observation,  that  as  speech  is  often  used  lo  conceal 
thought,  so  a  rinilico  'bus  is  resorted  to  in  order  to  retard  a  journey. 
We  nave  heard  nrithmelicians  talk  of  a  fixed  ouantity,  but  wc  never 
saw  the  idea  so  thoroughly  carried  out  as  wc  did  the  other  day,  when 
we  noticed  a  quantity  of  passengers  fixed  at  Hyde  Park  Comer  in  a 
Fimlico  omnibus. 

Shakspkaue  talks  about  aomelwdy  having  been  "fixed  as  great 
Atlas'  self,"  but  wc  must  say  for  the  Atlas  omnibuses,  that  we  never, 
saw  one  of  them  "  fixed  "  for  any  considemble  time :  and  if  the  Bard  of 
Avon  had  said,  "fixed  as  great  Koyal  Blue's  fclf^"  be  would  have 
approached  much  nearer  to  our  modem  notions  of  a  fixture. 

It  is  true  that  the  public  has  its  remedy — as  well  as  its  threepences— 
in  its  own  hand,  and  it  would  do  well  to  discourage  the  stagnant  omni- 
buses by  declining  to  ride  in  them.    We  can  only  say,  that 

If  we  uw  Ko  omnllHic  what  wotiMo't  («, 
Do  jm\  tliluk  wa  'd  entor  II  ?     No,  nu,  no. 
We'd  Uke  out  a  lumniotLf,  and  crj,  "  So,  CO, 
Yea'n  pulled  op,  Jurvy  t" 

It  seems  that  the  officers  of  the  Blues— that  is  to  say,  the  conductors 
— are  not  remarkable  for  knowing  how  to  conduct  themselves,  however 
expert  they  may  be  in  couductiiw;  their  vehicles.  It  is  a  pity  there  is 
no  academy  for  a  cad  in  want  oi  a  stock  of  good  manners,  it  is  true 
we  cannot  expect  much  civility  to  be  thrown  into  the  bargain^  when  the 
fare  is  only  turcepcncc^  but  we  had  rather  ride  a  shorter  distance  for 
our  monev  tliau  go  furtfior  and  fare  worse  at  the  hands,  or  rather  at  the 
tongue,  ot  the  conductor. 


Fairy  Land. 

Mant  persons  hare  a  curious  notion  of  Fairy  Land.  For  instance, 
the  bills  of  the  Terrace  Gardens  at  Gravesend  tell  us  that  "the 
inagnifioent  hall  is  illuminated  by  10,000  brilliant  Umns,  presenting  such 
a  uuiguificent  coup  trait,  a-t  to  rrmind oNfi  instinctiveiti  of  Fairy  Land" 
We  are  sorry  to  contradict  a  pUy-bill,  hut  on  the  faith  of  the  above 
announcement  we  were  allured  to  the  Terruoe  Gardeus,  and  must  say 
that  wc  were  anything  but  reminded  of  the  beautiful  country  alluded  t<L 
for  tlie  very  first  person  wc  met  was  Mb-  Tom  Matthews,  the  celebrated 
down,  who  is,  wc  believe,  a  very  de^rving  personage,  but  scarcely  the 
kind  of  ethereal  creature  you  would  expect  to  meet  in  Fairy  liana  t 


HOW  DO  YOU  LIKE  IT? 

ITBHAAT  JoNATUAif  Hiode  a  pi- 
ratical war  on  Literary  Jomr 
Bull.  An  English  book  was  an 
American  book— in  all  but  tfac 
nrofit  it  brought  in  to  ita  author. 
New  York  ana  Boston  boasted  oC 
their  civilisation,  as  measured  \xf 
the  enormous  sale  of  popular 
English  books  in  the  United 
States.  From  the  St.  Lawreooa 
to  the  Gulf  of  Mexico,  the  Unioa 
was  a-blaze  with  the  British  new- 
lights  of  literature,  only  Jona- 
than never  paid  for  hiscandlea. 
International  copy-right  was  occasionally  talked  of ;  but  Josajxhajt 
knew  better.  Like  the  man  who  stole  the  wood  for  his  besom  handles 
and  the  broom  for  the  besoms,  he  carried  on  a  roaring  trade  and  under- 
sold the  Britisher  who  had  to  pay  for  his  materials.  Meanwhile,  an 
American  copy-right  was  respected  in  Great  Britain.  Washington 
Irving  received  his  well-earned  £10.000  from  Mr.  Muwut.  Ma. 
Melville  pocketted  the  {cmioUy  well-earned)  price  of  his  Typet 
Omoo  and  iVhtte  Jacket.  So  Ma.  CooPER  made  his  honest  market  wil 
Mb.  Bentlet,  and  touched  the  proceeds,  but  non*  wont  cl 
tout  cdaf 

The  recent  decision  of  the  Chief  Baron  has  decided,  that  a  foreigner  5»ii 
have  no  copyright  in  England :  and  as  Americ^uis  are  forcignore, 
copyrights  in  AmeriL-an  works  are  good  for  uothing,— «nd 
Moruay,  Bentley,  and  olhrrs^  who  nave  published  American  woi^ 
are  open  to  the  pirates  of  this  side  the  water. 

How  will  the  WASHraoTON  Invisca,  the  Prescotts,  the  Coopers, 
the  Melvilles  of  America  like  tliis?  Will  they  agitate  for  an  Inter- 
national Copyright,  now  that  their  brains  are  exposea  to  the  same  gratis 
pioking,  as  our  poor  £nglish  ones  have  been  so  long  subjected  to  f 


The  French  Eepublican  Oawa. 

A  SHORT  time  ago  an  enormous  number  of  crows  alighted  on  the  trees 
of  the  Tuileriea  and  on  the  roof  of  the  Palace,  when  it  was  found 
necessary  to  odl  out  some  of  the  chasseurs  of  ybiccunca,  who  kiiledj 
about  live  hundred  of  the  feathered  visitors.  Wc  do  not  exactly  seo' 
what  hurm  these  birds  could  have  done,  but  perhaps  the  inhahitanta 
of  the  Tuiicries  objected  to  being  crowed  over. 


PUNCn,   OR  TTIE  LONDON  CHARTVARL 


99 


r 
^ 


M 


THE    CAMBRIDGE    MONUMENT 

uoL'GU  almost  ever)  body  is  out  of  town, 
it  is  still  a  comfort  to  Itnow  that  London 
baiiking-boQses  are  frtiil  open,  irith  clerks 
to  match  at  Ibeir  desks.  It  ie  furliicr  de- 
liglitful  Id  oontcDipIate  the  fact,  ns  ^ivea 
in  an  authorisi'^d  i>anigTftph  crawling  the 
rounds,  that  the  London  hunkers  "are 
erinciiie  a  dc«p  interfst  "  in  the  visionary 
Cambridge  Monument.  With  the  present 
tremendous  glut  of  gold,  Lfjudon  hankcra 
are  doubtless  ready  to  take  tui  interest 
in  anvthing.  The  monument  could  not 
have  been  chatted  about  at  a  belter  time. 
And.  as  we  have  said,  Metropolitan 
banking-houses  oonlinue  oneii,  wdling 
victims  mav  still  forsvard  cheques  Irom 
Hombufff  or  the  heather.  A  great  and  ubidmg  comfort,  to  be  assiued 
of  this. 

It  would  seem,  however,  that  a  certain  faintncss  of  heart  came  over 
the  committee  self-interested  with  the  duty  of  raising  acaimtotbe 
memory  of  Cambridge.  The  money  has  not  poured  in;  iiuleed  it  has 
hardly  drizzled.  AMicreupon,  some  great  moral  genius,  some  Masi- 
cian  of  the  Heart  in  Connexion  with  the  Pocket,  has  caused  it  to  be 
blown  at  all  ends  of  the  kingdom,  thtit  it  will  be  proposed  at  the  next 
meeting,  to  he  held  on  the  5lh  of  November; 

"TnAT.-mt  N&mcK  of  au.  bvcu  Chaiuirx  xvo  SKC»rrAmits,  jw  WBLLJiff  tiik 
IwrrrTUTiOK  wrm    wtucu   thit   ame  cosxemitu,  »ilai.l  d>  Ixscbiiikd  oit  tub 

PWHTAL   or  TUX    MuKUMUTT." 

Tliis  is  deep  and  admirable  as  profound.  Muooins  isachainnaa 
and  Buiionis  is  a  secretarv.  Muggin's  heurt  now  niells  nnd  overflows 
in  admiration  of  the  deau  Dokc,  and  he  sees  hiiust-lf  gtun^  down  ihc 
tide  of  posterity — (how  the  npplea  swim  !  the  golden  pippin  CAWJiKiD(iE 
and  the  crab  Muggins  !)— on  the  same  wave  with  a  royal  philan- 
thropist! From  this  moment,  Muggins  gives  all  the  energies  of  his 
soul  to  the  pedestal  of  the  monument;  lav  Monument  to  the  Good 
PuK£  or  Cambbidge,  and  the  Pedestal  to  the  Active  Chttirraaii 
Muggins. 

And  now,  considering  the  case  in  its  natural  exnansiou,  must  we  not 
feel  for  the  friends  and  atMuaintance,  and  deeply  compasiioualc  the 
dei>cndents  of  Muggi.ns?  Is  tlicro  friend  or  workman  to  be  spared  by 
Muggins  ?  By  turns  ho  begs,  smiley,  aud  bullies.  "  Your  money  for 
the  good  Duxx  or  Cambridgr"  nhilsl  hia  soul  runs  a  whispering 
accompaniment,  "and  ike  escelltnt  Chairman^  Mdcgins."  The  key 
varying,  the  words  are  the  same — "Money  for  Caubkidge  hHu 
Muggins."  From  this  time  forth,  Muggins  will  haunt  the  sleep  of 
many  a  victim.  He  will  be  the  nightnuire  Muggins,  squat  uwju  the 
breast  of  kis  dreaming  aciiuaiulancc,  witii  a  plate  in  his  hands,  with 
shining  eyes  chan^  into  ghastly  tivc-shiUinff  pieces,  with  under  jaw 
mowing  and  inarticiUately  mumping — "  Good  CaJIBhidge — excellent 
Muggins!" 

We  honour,  we  reverence  in  a  fashion,  the  Committeeman  who  has  so 
adroitly  forced  the  goodness  of  a  Cambhidce  into  common  cause  with 
the  conceit  of  a  Chairman,  tlie  vanity  of  a  Secretary  it  uas  a  beautiful 
touch  of  brain  that  has  thus  set  loose  upon  hundreds  of  unprotcclcd 
pockets  a  band  of  niaruiiders,  who,  with  masks  of  royal  purple,  will 
present  a  plate  and  roar  "Camubjdge!"  with  the  sweet,  recurring 
under  note  of  "  Muggins  ! " 

And  yet,  large  and  beautiful  aa  is  the  original  idea,  its  magnitude 
may  be  increased,  ita  beauty  deepened.  Wherefore  should  the  Chairman 
ajia  the  Secretaries  have  alone  a  nominal  record  ?  >Vhy  should  not 
MuoeiNs,  Chairman,  and  Blgoins,  See.,  be  fuither  companioned  with 
Wiggins,  contributor?  Why  should  it  not  be  in  the  powerof  Wiggins 
to  purchase,  nrice  one  guinea,  a  s^pmrc  one-eighth  of  an  inch  for  liis 
descendant  ot  the  Fortieth  century  to  glow  and  swell  at,  and  to  point 
out  to  his  children — "Thai  was  your  ancestor ;  that  was  the  Wiggins 
of  1850?  "  Why.  we  repeat  it,  should  not  Wioglns,  cfmtributor,  liave 
his  guinea's  wortli  of  poslcrityj  alike  with  Muggins,  Chairman— with 
BuRGiNS,  Sec.  ?  It  wiQ  not  satisfy  us  to  assert  tliat  no  ]}c<lc5tal  tablet 
can  be  of  sufKcicnt  majmitndc  to  admit  alt  names.  For  it  is  only  to 
reduce  the  names  to  the  dimensions  of  the  man  who  originated  the 
thought  of  the  in«crintion.  and  so  woudronsly  small  must  they  become, 
that  a  common  earu  will  hold  any  numl)er  of  thousands.  So  many 
animolculie  in  a  cheese  would  r«iuirB  far  wider  space. 

Again,  as  wo  would  do  riyhtful  honour  to  all  subicribers  without  dis- 
tinction, so  would  we  corresi«ndingly  punish  the  lukewarm  and  the 
lucksliding.  We  would  have  a  (ultlet  of  iufomv,  an  iuaioininiou**  bluck 
s!«b  up')n  which  for  the  ulihurrcnco  of  iKwit-nty,  wo  uuuld  hrtiud  all 
the  inline?  uf  those  Knirhshnicu  provetf  capable  of  the  luwnnc  TiiA, 
who  should  be  found  tuuvilling  to  make  swK-jcriplinn  to  the  Monument 
of  Cambridge.  Upon  that  biook  slab  of  >lmnii*  we  would  offer  up  or 
down,  to  posterity  the  name  of  everydefuultorof  £150  perannum.  For 
whilst  it  IS  made  open  to  a  man  to  buy  the  appr^)vitig  saiilc  of  posterity, 
let  liim  also,  failing  in  Ids  duty,  be  punished  with  it^  frown. 


And  finally,  we  have  to  make  another  suggestion  rewardful  of  all 
Chairmen  and  Secretaries.  It  is  this,  lliat  they  should  have  upon  the 
Cambridge  Monument  not  only  their  nxuucs,  but — in  alto  relieco — their 
busts.  The  expense,  as  we  consider  it,  would  be  trifling,  and  the 
material  common  and  easy. 

Uos  not  the  reader  beheld,  stamped  with  wooden  stamp  upon  a  pat 
of  butter,  the  figure  of  a  bird,  intended  for  a  swan,  but  looxin^f  more  of 
the  goose r*  In  this  fasliion,  and  on  this  material^  would  we  have  the 
medallions  of  the  Chairmen  and  Secretaries.  Their  facca  cut  in  wood. 
and  stamped  on  buUer — yes,  Cambridge  butter. 


LAY  OF  THE  IMFRISONFID  LONDONER. 

(By  a  Ffreign-Qffia  CUrl;  teho  had  hui  MU^ «artf.) 

Hy  eyes  are  tired  of  street  and  square, 
My  constitution  lucks  sea  air : 
My  car  is  sick  of  Opera  smialla. 
My  legs  are  itaitc  knocked  up  with  baUa  i 
I  would  that  1  were  once  again 
Boxed  in  a  first-class  Dover  train. 
Bound  somewhere  '(other  side  the  sea — 
That  were  the  time  of  day  for  me  I 

As  to  TVliitehall  I  sadly  hie. 
*riic  Umlwjiv  cabs  thev  rattle  by  ; 
I  mark  the  lu«gagc  pUcd  outsia** 
Tlie  ha|}py  looks  of  those  tliat  riuc; 
T  know  they  're  gutng  far  uuay 
To  scun(!»  of  no  wurk  and  idl  play. 
And  sijrii  to  think,  wliile  they  are  free, 
'Tis  all  work  and  no  play  with  me ! 

Ko  more  at  eight  they  '11  have  to  rise, 
Though  hot  and  heavy  be  their  eyes ; 
Of  office  work  to  faet-  the  bore. 
Although  they  p'<!kf-d  bust  night  till  foor. 
Jfo  more  urtfcii  ihcy  Ml  liftve  to  write, 
No  more  draft  li'tlors  to  indite ; 
As  idle  as  they  like  they'll  be — 
And  that 's  the  life  that  pleoscth  me  I 


A  FEW  WORDS  ABOUT  OURSELVES. 

It  is  not  often  we  sneak  about  ourselves.  Though,  perhaps,  forming, 
as  we  do,  one  of  the  clii*"f  subjects  of  the  day,  we  might  be  excused  for 
talking  occasionallvof  that  wliich  is  in  the  mouth  of  every  one.  Perhaps 
the  most  conimnn  thing  that  is  said  about  us  is,  tlie  every  day  observation, 
tliat  "  it  is  really  marvellous  how,  week  after  week,  such  a  magnificent 
eoUection  of  wit  and  wisdom  as  our  publication  comprises,  can  be  ccoi- 
tinually  got  together."  We  are  ourselvRa  often  thrown  into  file  of 
surprise  and  adnumtion  at  our  own  sjilendid  achievements. 

It  is  indeed  mancUous  that,  now  for  a  space  of  more  than  nine  years, 
/^«»<rA  has  come  forth  with  punctuality  and  brillianc^v  as  regular — we 
were  going  to  say  as  clock-work — but  clock-work  is  bcklcness  itself  in 
comparison  to  the  certainty  and  precision  with  which  we  have  como 
before  an  appreciating  world  every  Saturday.  How  Funch  is  got 
together,  muv  indeed,  form  a  puzzle  to  ingenious  curiosity,  or  curious 
ingenuity.  With  the  brilliant  corps  of  contributors  and  artists,  some- 
times scattered  in  all  comers  of  the  earth,  the  prodigy  still  appears, 
rendered  only  more  prodigious  by  the  apparent  difficuJties  with  which 
the  production  of  a  number  of  Punch,  every  week,  is  surrounded.  Yes ; 
the  mtrpopttii  is,  in  this  instance,  nuite  right.  We  are  a  miracle.  We 
know  it ;  and  wc  arc  glad  to  find  the  pubhc  sensible  of  the  fact,  of 
which  wc  thus  offer  an  ackoowledgment. 


A  Diapensary  Indiapeiuabl^. 

Tire  Dispensary  for  the  Diseases  of  the  Ear  has  been  holding  it^  anni- 
versary meeting.  We  wonder  if  the  new  House  of  Commons  is  amongst 
\tA  |Miiients.— for  its  hearing  is  extremely  bod — infinitely  worse  even 
than  the  ola  House — in  which  the  pecjpic  universally  ctmiplaincd  that 
they  could  never  get  the  members  to  hear  a  single  tiling  thai  they 
wanted.  If  the  New  House  is  no  better,  we  can  tell  the  Commons 
lliat  they  will  have  the  House  brought  about  their  ears  in  a  way  that 
they  would  not  like.       

TF  TOM  BROWN,  WHO  WENT  VV  IN  A  BALLOON  ABOUT  SEVEK 

^      reitrs   ngx,  auJ    lia*  uoi  •lnm  t«cii  bvni-d  <Y,  (li.irs  not  return  KiiltLn  Ira  d«ri  to 
liU  ilUraruwiUU]  wlta,  nhv  wlU  ooiulilrr  hersoir  to  Ml  UiivnU  ftQ<t  |jurpo»M  «.  ^Sdknw^ 
ftnd  parfeetlx  ai  liUeriy  to  mIIoH  0w  iHubicH  Tdk  Bsowk  Uj^  "xvddaa.xAEOB.^  vb^ 
duury  wtum  ihe  pleKwia. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


UGHTS,  LIGHTS. 

CoiuijUNt.s  hnvf  >irrn  auuie,thif>ujEh 
the  papers,  'f  •  ca^otnmll 

the  Buk.  of  I  I  one  derk  to 

pay  aoverciffi,-.  \>ir  ■'-'r  ckrk  r^ 

jects  as  hiihU  and  ^^  ti«tna)oa 

are  madf,  Iliry  an: 

05  they  bavv  been  i: 

II  ia  ralbcr  l/vt  h. 

eigus  of  recti  ' 

lia}'uiciit  at  1  .,!(' 

M-0!|t        fHri:  ■  ■    — 


lUat  the  Bauk  wiil  ifjso 
lO  countTT,  if  Micli  n 

')Uhl  bcCOIIir  .  '      "  ■ 

vcrcipns,  w  ' 

■1,1    ill, -.in 


'itr  ^  of  full  vi»JuL%— I 

.    wlucU    portjikeft  of   a 
uutjcrtrU  character. 


:  be 
i  pro- 
Usbt< 


Bods  in  Fickle, 


DOMESTIC   BLISS. 

Uuiress.  ""WuLL  I'm  sube;  axd  peay  WHO  w  that? 

Cboi.  "  On,  1?  Totr  plbaae  *)t.  It  *«  oklt  mt  cousin  who  das  CALtiD  jusi  to  snow  ice  hot 
TO  SOIL  A  Potato," 


Among  the  priuri-  ■'  -■.-•  i— 
University  Commit 
late  Ma,st«rof  Kuel' 
DELU  Master  of  v\ 
and  Dr.  Jehnf,  Mi 
Sclionl.  We  ■ 
ni.islcni  will  i 

tnuim,  that  '  ..^ 

siwilelli  tho  «hild ; "  and  : 
with  thii  University  i  i 
forget  that   thrre  are  st;  i-*t 

reasons  for  the  «uiie  a  f.-  aU 

ment  of  Oxford  Dons,  wlkcu  i:  c\  »i9 
called  on  to  wlmini^tor  to  WeaA- 
minstcr,  Kugbr,  and  Binninsham  boyt 
respectively. 


CATCHES   IN  THE  NEW  WORLD. 

{fmporpun  hi  nfiiiln;0it«  BrrMM  o^Htl  to  Marrji^ 

TIVCB,  HT  OLD  ?BUJE|L— So  H 
tetms  you  BritisherB  are 
riled  ocaiise  that  arc  littlr 
great  uiauo*  youra,  tlie  I'ust 
Minisier  to  the  Crown, 
OiiKry  VrcT0ttiA*8  Upper 
Help.  LfJiii)  J'UTN  Russell, 
like  Ml  onthriCty  Kofer.  have 
l)in  and  palavered  Tarlia- 
iiirnt  into  Tot  in'  avray 
tli.OOOsLnrlitt'  a  year  o'  the 
public  money  to  Pkjnce 
(JcOROE  o*  Cambridge,  to 
)wy  Ilia  Ro>;al  HiRhaeaa  for 
to  du  nothin',  aaa  to  keep 
tlie  bear  away  from  his 
oleahns.  and  set  him  up  in 
a  small  wav  with  four  equer- 
ries and  three  parsons^  be- 
sides other  helps,  in  bvery 
and  out. 

*'  1  've  ffot  a  feller  fcelin' 
for  you ;  I  have.  I  siiouldn't 
like  my  dollars  voted  away 
on  them  tarms,  I  ehouldu't,  nohow.  But  don't  you  sec,  vou  Roniee, 
that  you  ab't  got  no  right  to  cry  out  agin  this  licrc  kinder  extrava- 
ganee  so  Ions— as  that  'cute  old  'ooon  Hbnrt  Brouuham  and  Vaux 
pinted  out  to  you— so  Ion*  as  you  wun't  ohuse  to  'low  tour  Princes  and 
Dukes  R\7j,  and  their  mis,  to  go  and  marry  aooordin  to  Iheir  likins, 
and  speckilatc  in  HigbMoiuals  like  tlut  rest  on  you,  for  to  better 
thfir^eUcs? 

"  Scoin*  your  Friaoea  and  Princesses  oan't  marry  none  but  foreigners, 
and  thcni  Protestants :  instead  of  liavin'  the  run  of  Europe  for  a  roatdi, 
they  are  staked  off  from  all  the  families  of  the  Coutiueut  a'most, 


ciceptin'  a  few  in  Jarmany ;  aitd  your  Honarohs  as  is  to  be,  hes  or  !ibc% 
is  foccdfor  to  send  out  to  Saxy  Cobuar  and  Gnthy  or  -  of 

t*other  o'  their  Soiues  for  this  or  that  Serene  HiKtmess,  v.  ,,>ir 

fortius  on  their  backs,  to  come  and  take  t>ity  on  'em,  poor  cm  nir>  : 

"  Now  wimfc  a  tarwition  set  of  blind  old  owls  you  must  be.  You  dcai*t 
see  DO  furder  afore  vour  noses  than  a  benighted  ni^cr — tlut  's  a  fact. 
Kow  was  it,  in  looking  out  fur  husbands  and  wjvcs  fur  yoxir  Knl 
iVmily,  you  never  thought  of  caatin'  a  look  at  our  gloriou?  Uppiiblio, 
a-bloKiu'  and  a-gUuiu',  in  tamal  beauty  and  brightness,  oiiK  le 

o'  the  Atlantic,  rifflil  slick  in  your  hlinkiu'  old  eves?    Tin  of 

our  free  and  enlightened  citizens  as  has  renliseJ  dollars  c:i  p 

anv  Princess  as  ever  wore  feathers;  and   I  mny  say  ihr  nr 

nus,  w«y  vitrteg.    If  you  've  ^t  any  Uvjiltjf-  to  swop,  I  di  :■  's 

lots  on  'cm  a^  woidd  be  willin'  to  deaf  \nth  you,  jist  to  jilt^Mar  their 
fiincy.  We  coidd  play  at  stycrs  to  diviirt  yuii,  no  wius  slow,  and  spend 
at  mncfa  time  in  gtmiiin'  and  huntin'  as  you  thuugnl  our  wugca  vma 
nuth.  And  I  estinuite,  the  nonie  of  un  Ajiierican  citizcu  flu)»  all  the 
Highnesses  iu  creation,  and  stumps  Saxy  Cobug  or  Sux^'  lliglilov 
aither  into  fite. 

*'  I  am  raythor  thiukiii'  of  lookin'  out  for  a  wife  myself,  I  don't  mind 
teUio'  on  you ;  and  if  so  be  as  you  've  got  any  Princess  on  hbJxL 
\  am  open  to  take  her  off,  without  a  cent,  provided  she's  a  good 
nl,  and  ain't  gut  no  objection  to  turn  to  and  make  herself  uscfuL 
We've  rajiher  a  kinder  respect  for  the  sooperstilions  o'  the  old 
country  ortcr  aU;  and  I  calculate  that  beiu'  know'd  for  m^vvv-iu  Itw  to 
YicTOiUA  would  briuj^  custom  ououtfh  to  my  store  to  mat. 
pay,  porficklcr  if  1  writ  niy  name  as  sitch  up  over  thi'  dooi 
Linn  and  Unicorn  painted  on  my  trucks;  as  tr- 
ain't  good  enough,  that's  a  pihr.  In  pmt  of  I 
three  ;  and,  *cept  when  my  dander  is  nz,  give  tn-.  um*  »m» 
I  ffuess  1  'm  as  serene  as  Lake  Ontario  in  a  dead  calm.  Ha. 
forrrui  this  here  letter  to  Buckin'ham  Pidlis,  and  any  answer  tu  it 
be  attended  to  as  airly  as  convenes,  by 

"  Yours,  ooooiderabljr, 

"iVrtT  York,  Avg.  7. 1850.  "Goaread  Spat." 

Tint  Hp.Tonr  op  Extravagance.— Mb,  Qou>Qm  Couilko  pajiag 

a  shiliuig  to  see  the  HipiK)potamus. 


3 

y 

■.t 

m.v'd. 

be  yon  will 

it  wm 


OUR      LITTLE      BIRD. 


V01U>  rOB  TH2  NioasDruxA 


HOT^LTN  of  our  print  tjike  it  in 

dodxeon  thiit  J  i '  should  ttnve  bo 

g»there<l  ittxiul  Iicr  all  Uie  bearts  of  Liver- 
pool :  sliould  havtt  been  so  attended  to 
ner  snip  hy  Ihe  "  avcft  vehement "  of  affer- 
tionnte  thousHnds;  for  there  was  real  honrt 
m  the  hhoutings  that  were  sent  to  her 
across  the  Mersey.  Good  friends,  think 
aflninj  reconsider  your  discontent.  When 
there  IS  so  much  lip-homage — «o  much  easrer 
voluntary  sclf-Hf^bascmcnt — so  much  licking 
of  the  alioc-leatber  of  absurd  poiu^,  ih:it 
h&s  no  more  in  it  or  upon  it^  to  justify  th<^ 
idolntry,  thnn  miv  he  found  in  Itic  barrel 


that  piles  A  bankcr'a 

-liip  of  tho  Cftpitolion 
-  Mro  ralvrs,  that, 
vral— when,  iu 
J   ..  ; ,  so  that   it   be 
be  naked — at  a  tiuio  when  the 


letters  that  spell  a  title — in  the  un 
aocount  — when  there  is  so  much  u. 
gce»e.  tnat  only  cackle,  and  do  r  * 
aayo  to  tfaomselTcv,  are  not  of 
this  offe.  so    precipii-imt   in  it  I 

Srospcrttv,  when  no  queMion*  sholi  ..„ _.  „  _  . 
evoted  nreechea-pocket  loynlty  to  ri  m>!wnv  kirff  hru  foamed  itself  inlo 
virtuous  wrath,  the  said  l  ,  .  ^j^i  j^  ti^g  q^ 
irou  »hop— at  a  time  so  in  ilcs  of  the  hurann 
tendency  to  crawl  1o  the  i.e.,  ,.m.>.^.  .  ...i  ,,.>.w..,.  ...at  success;  at  such 
a  time  wc  take  comfort  and  rf-joire  in  the  nianift'.HtMion  of  cstceni, 
even  though  deemed  extmvagaut  and  in  superilui.  when  paid  to  a 
gewu*— to  a  genms  ao  often  shown  the  handmaiden  of  good. 

y^G  have  the  bordiliood  to  confess  the  preference.  Yes;,  we 
imghtily  prefer  the  applausive  shout  sent  from  the  throat*  of  a 
Livcroool  crowd,  a  shout  of  happy  wishes  to  a  Jr.xst  Liyr,  to  the 

stupid,  thuuderiuf^  blustir  '^f  »   I'.ft. ii.  .^l,it,.   ^^imuiing,  in  the 

Dame  of  senseless  cerenior  m.    The  camion, 

with  their  "adauiautiiicbi  iiess;"  and  not  a 

word,  a  svUable  more.  Huriirm  lliuu;>aiidi»  bhout  lo  the  somewhat  more 
than  Duchess  of  song;  and  in  that  shout,  so  brief  and  ftuddcn,  there  is 
acknowledgment,  thankfulness  for  sweet,  eimobUuK  emotions ;  as  for 
cndorinff  good.  How  many  of  the  sick,  with  the  thou^rht,  the  know- 
ledge of  that  ahont^  might  add  their  prayers,  and  grateful  bleaaiogs 
to  sanctify  toe  aoclaun  t 

Good  friends  in  print,  anxious  for  the  stiff  sobriety  of  the  English 
mmd— friends  and  guardians  of  propriety,  fearful  of  unprofitable  and 
unseemly  pnthusiaam  when  lavished  only  uuon  ceiiius  and  virtue— tjtkc 
heart,  be  confideiit.  There  are  still  wooden  idols  enough,  and  more 
thau  enough,  to  keep  alive  and  rank  the  old  rcliffion.  Goose -worship 
and  call-worbiiip  will  not  so  soon  pass  away.  Tnere  is  vet  eno\igh  of 
the  national  heart  left  untouched  to  pulsate  at  the  ring  of  current  coin 
—there  are  yet  thousands  and  tens  of  thousands  of  ham-strings,  to 
work,  obe^ently  oa  the  threads  of  painted,  paper  toys,  at  the  look,  tl»e 
word  of  those   earthly   gods,  for  whose  Pantheon   see   DiBB^ir'a 

U  there  any  lack  of  idols  P    Any  backsliding  m  idol-worsktp  ?    A 

?'Oung  Duke  has  successfully  made  off  from  the  House  of  Commons — 
pompoecd  of  husimifs  lynxes,  that,  after  the  election,  arc  nronc  to  sleep 
Kke  hearth-rug  spanieUj  — made  off  with  a  booty  of  £13,000  per  annum : 
the  yieldinc  Whigs  all  guiltless  of  a  blush.  Hdite's  arithmetic  might 
offhand  ealoulate  the  number  of  household  chattels,  at  a  given  pncc, 
that,  sold  by  the  tax-gatherer's  warrant,  would  make  a  monetary  year 
of  that  self-same  Dukc;  a  monstrous  young  Duke  so  cousidercd,  with 
more  legs  and  arms  about  bim  than  a  Hindoo  God ;  with  this  JitTcrence 
—they  are  the  legs  and  arms  of  tables  and  chairs  confiscated  to  tbe 
Exrhequer  It  is  prepnaut  of  thoughts  salatary,  if  not  blithcful,  to 
consider  how  every  unjust  shilling,  voted  by  way  of  pension  or  expense, 
may  become  a  visible,  working  tynmt  at  the  hearths  of  the  poor,  sei™ 
upon  for  Uixes.  If  wc  may  trace  the  dust  of  C.ma  to  a  bung-We,  so 
may  we  follow  the  last  blanket  of  the  shivering  poor  into  the  pocket  of 
the  pensioner. 

Is  it  not  monstrous,  a  crying  wrong,  that  this  new  Duiuj  oF 
CiHBRirGE  should  sit  so  heavily  ujion  the  bocks  of  the  people;  and 
ret,  let  his  Royal  pi--  -r-  -':<]>ear  as  visitor  in  any  town,  or  city,  and 
mir  ladies  would  t!i  handkerchiefs,  ana  the  crowd  shout 

hnrrahs  at  the  Illu>i  isioner.    Now,  when  ve  are  so  ready  to 

bozz&h  human  mckuge^  be«i\use  labelled  with  a  high  figure,  vhf  should 
we  atint  our  orealb  at  leave-taking  of  human  genius  exercised  for 
human  bappineas,  and  made  so  often  nobly  ministrant  to  human 
suffering?  Will  all  the  "Contents"  and  " Nou-Contents "  that  a 
Cambridge  may  utter  value  one  trill  of  Jbnny  Lind  ?  Or  rather,  may 
they  not  cost  the  country  a  hundred  times  the  amount  tlmt  Jk^nt,  in 
hernodness,  has  thrown  about  her. 

We  r^oice  in  the  enthusiasm  of  Liverpool.  And  our  oontemponuries, 
reoonsidering  the  matter,  may  rejoice  too.    It  is  aurely  no  ill  aign  vhen 


a  vast  commercial  community  u'kiHinliil^r.s  something  beyond  the 
ledger.    Who  knows,  some  day.  i  iimy  pcrsonaUy  have  more 

honuur  for  his  pirturcs,  timn  thr  h»r  uis  heraldic  bearings — 

the  sculptor  fur  his  st.'  'ial  owner  of  vaat  granite 

quarries — the  writer  •  l>ook,  more  even  thJon  the 

possessor  of  A  paper-iimi  ^n :  ''-'^usandaP  And  if  this 

should  come  to  pass — (auii  ^  is  only  a  homage  to 

art  and  goodness,  not  an  ind  '  banker] — why  should 

our  rrit'nd.n  of  the  presa  anecr  auil  rcuuio  f  Ouj^ht  they  not  rather  U> 
applaud  the  ffeltu* — to  foster  it.  and  rejoice  in  lis  fullnfcsa  ?  Siiall  it 
be  said  tl);<  ^rith  aii  its  upright,  independent  quills,  has, 

in  its  pre^'  ''whst  too  mueh  of  the  toad-eater  ? 

To  retuf  ^^  acems  she  is  to  give  a  concert  on  board  the 

ship  for  t!  f  the  sailon.    Verv  good.    As,  in  the  oourse  of 

the  voyagi',  'in  she  would  be  caDed  upon  for  music — it  ia  well 

she  should  sing  iur  tlir  profit  of  poor  Jack.    And  A\\t  will  sing : 

"  Dtterlni:  Aucti  duloet  wsd  hanaonJoni  bmttL 
Ttut  thtt  nuto  MM  gpim  dyH  vitb  bur  ionc. 

The  worst,  however,  awaits  JrinxY  nnon  her  lauding  in  New  York. 
There,  showman  Barkuu  lies  in  wait  lor  her.  it  is  said,  with  a  pro- 
cession !  We  arc  tnUy  sorry  that  Jbjtsy  should  have  fiJlen  into  such 
niercflntile  hands.  Barkum  s  commodities  should  &tili  be  dwarfs  and 
manufactured  mermaids.  He  should  have  had  no  dealings  with  JfiNHT 
LiND.  Poor  soul !  We  wish  her  safe  back  a;rain ;  even  though,  to  the 
amazement  of  cmr  frieuds,  Liverpool  should  give  her  welcome  worthy 
of  their  farewell.  For  Liverpool  applauded  toe  woman  as  well  as  the 
singer.  It  is  not  every  Nigutingafe  that  makes  to  herself  wings  of 
*i'«'P**la.  A  Lima  BiBD. 


PUNCH'S  HANDBOOKS  FOR  TRAVELLERS. 

Mb.  PrscH,  envious  of  the  repntntion  of  Mr.  MtrnaAT  and  his 
celebrated  Handbooks,  announces  his  intention  of  publisbing  a  new 
series  of  Handbooks,  which  he  i?  sniv  will  soon  be  met  with  in  every 
railway,  aubergc,  Aicrbrwurdt  mi  jialazzo,  and  mountain  top 

throughout  the  ^veUing  world.  -  mg  are  the  titles  of  a  few 

to  which  he  has  already  afBxcd  the  piui^iporL  of  his  name. 


PWCII'I     HurpDOOK    09    TBI      L^WTVKa 

Aboaub. 
rimcn't   IlAtrDBOOK  o*  OiiuinrAL  Wol- 

BIV'A  Palaci  ur  Flkbt  Stiibbt.  vith 

■  lock  of  hU  tuLlr  vhlcb  ba  luid  cut 

H»r«. 
Ptncu't  Uasi»-Book  or  Tm  IvfOLTBirr 

Drstuk's  Coitet. 

Pt>!n:K'8  UaMUMKIK  TO  m  Cdiat  Rb- 
BTAmuTBUBS  OV  PAEIO,  wborc  (M«  Uu 
agkMt  M  tha  wbidotB)  "  Ooa  splkn 
Euf  Itifa  tmtm." 

PcKcn'N  Uavdbook  ov  tbb  DirrxBxirr 
CuDtB  or  SirrrsBUJLiix^  vllti  nile* 
ho*  not  to  loM  more  tbui  nropBon 
out  ot  every  alilllinK  in  evvry  Cwtlnn 
yoa  |Mw  tlinniBfa. 

PuxcH'e    Bavdikxib  or  Buuloomb,  with 

Eriew   of   lodgfngs,    pravlsluua,    and 
rsndj,  for  Ibe  mo  of  EoslUh  msi- 
denu. 

PCXOB's   II  urOBOOC  09  TUB  ClIOP  HoCTBB* 

or  TBB  Crrr  or  Loxdox. 
Ptnm'i  Hamdboor  op  tub  Bbib  Hodbu 
or  Bavabia. 


FiTBCB'B  H&xpnoox  orTHB  Onaujr  Gov- 
BTTTtraion  (vlUi  A  view  of  the  mIi^ 
bnled  nue). 

Puvob'b  Hacdbooe  o?  TBI  LuAR  8o~ 
cirriBB  Of  LoVDOii,  with  oompleta 
dtrsetlooi  bov  to  reealve  £10  out  of  a 
LoBU  for  £60. 

Pukoh'b  Uabdooob  or  nni  Dvxb  or 
Yobk'i  Coum,  with  b  PBOorBme  o( 
the  Bird-e*^  Walk  from  the  Summit. 

Pujfcn'«  Hajtobook  or  Railwat  Tbavxi/- 
TtLK.  with  coavvruttoni  for  ■eroml 
BDd  ttilrd  UlMi,  AUd  niloH  bow  to  bold 
your  tnogue  with  beoomlog  dignity  to 
the  flrmt  ClMi. 

Pmm'e  Havdbook  or  OonrunurrAL  Rs- 
voLTmoK»»  iDoladJng  IboM  of  Pimoce, 
Italy,  PnieaiB,  Austria,  «ud  l£<>mv, 
with  a  niBD  of  tbe  iplendlc]  proaixxla 
which  BBflli  eooDtry  hu  durtvod  from 
tbeu. 

Puhch"*  Uaudbook  or  thb  Ivtebiob  or 
VBacrraR,  wtih  a  profound  twiaLry 
Into  iU  "  Cntar  Ccmftine." 

Pvbch'b  Hahubook  or  tb«  Nobtu  Polb. 


Jlao^  in  a  few  da]f$, 
FONCITfl  HANDBOOK  OF  TUE  XODNTAINB  OF  TBE  MOON, 

with  elevBUons  lakan  In  a  new  point  of  eight,  to  which  the  flnger  of  eolonoe  bu  never 
bean  dlnoted  beforB ;  aiid  geoiogkal  Bpedniena  and  large  eats  ot  tbe  green  obMee 
wMsb  Ij  eonoMA  to  cnv  than. 


WHAT'S  m  A  NAMEP 


Tire  reporter  of  the  Timet,  in  giving  an  account  of  tho  Peace  Con- 
gress at  Jrankfort,  saj*s  that  he  heard  one  of  the  door-keepers  pointing 
out  to  ft  visitor  the  person  of  Cobdbn,  with  tbe  words,  "Das  iti  Coby. 
This  is  not  worse  tlian  our  English  janitors,  who  invariably  make  a 
fc-nrful  hash  of  the  names  of  forei^ers.  The  Ncpaulcse  Ambassador 
(who  has  just  Irft  us  for  Paris,  which  is  60  crowded  that  Rum  JuoGim 
oonld  hardlv  find  a  bed,  and  Suere  Mottt— «  ei^rs  Muttv,  as  the 
French  call  liim — was  compelled  to  sleep  iu  a  oockloft) — the  Nepauleae. 
we  were  about  to  say  was  alwajs  laiown  by  the  humbler  class  oi 
Ijondoners  as  the  New  Police  Ambassador,  there  being  a  vi^e  notion 
about  town  that  his  mission  was  in  some  way  connected  with  the 
establishment  of  a  police  force  in  the  East,  for  the  detection  of  the 
light-fingered  portion  of  tbe  dAtk-faoed  population.  The  "Das  ui 
CoBV,"  of  the  Frankfort,  doorkeeper  is  ao  worse  than  the  "  th«c^<v$3K». 
Abiuha-K  Pamier '. "  with  which  Xb&ahtk  Pk.cav'QaR^  Sfe\«.iAisfc*ft. 
by  th«  gamiaeria  of  London. 


^o-'S\^ 


CAUGHT  BT  Mb.  Briggs.  August  23iu), 
1850.— Exact  sizk  or  LirE. 


A  CottRESPOKDEST  of  thc  DaiU  iWan 
gives  us  particulars  of  the  Caluionxion 
costume  at  thc  mines.  The/  are  very  intc- 
rcsitiiff,  but  we  doubt  if  they  are  as  acca- 
rale  as  the  foUonriDg  : — 

Morning  Daestf. — Nothing  verr  new 
in  mominff  dresses.  Blonse  with  slashed 
sides,  ana  a  bbick  belt,  trimmed  with 
touUaux  de  chaue,  and  revolvers  a  CAwU' 
rlcaine.  Shoes,  the  strongest  Bluchers. 
^ith  iron  heels  and  hobnails  aa  bir  as 
&)ts.  Thc  only  omameDt,  a  powder-muk. 
or  a  butcher's  steel;  the  mdy  walking- 
stick  a  light  carbine.    No  glorea. 

II  is  generally  thc  fashion,  for  a  party 
eiLceeding  six,  to  travel  about  the  couiitiy 
with  n  siiudl  cight-poundcr.  which  affords 
capital  amusement  m  the  evening  amongst 
the  natives. 

Evening  Dress,  toe  the  Baix-Rook 
on  THE  Gambltno-Housb. — ;WaistoQatB 
of  shot  silk,  llandkerchiefa  a  light  Robes- 
pierre red.  Coats  a  pale  moonlit 
colour,  padded  with  horsehiur,  and  made 
of  a  tluek,  galvanised  substance,  almost 
impenetrable.  Under-waistcoat  an  elegant 
bull's  hide.  Pistols  d«  rigueur.  Court 
sword.  Light  cane,  with  a  spring-bkde  • 
or  a  life-preserver,  filled  witb  lead,  aod 
gold  tasseJs.  Opera-hat  of  light  sheet-iron. 


LiTCRART  DiacovxRT. — Manv  books  have  been  written  to  prove  tlie 
identity  of  the  Han  im  the  Iron  Aftuk  f  That  man  is  now  fully  believed 
-^l  least  by  thc  railway  world— to  be  no  other  thou  Geohob  Hudson. 


Tira  FnwT  Law  op  Natuee— Has  becm  called  Sclf-preservatrooi 
which  dearly  means  that  Iho  first  law  of  nature  ii  to  take  care  of 
Number  One. 


\ 


PUNCa  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  RACE  FOR  AN  EMPIRE. 

ONSIDERI^Q  the  extreme 
:=::r^7P"^r-  Binftllncss  of  the  (jualificalioD 

necessary  to  constitute  r  cnn- 
didate  (or  the  head  of  the 
State  iu  Frauce,  we  are  sur- 
pri9ed  tbat  others  have  not 
ru&bed  into  the  field  to  take 
an  cqnal  chance  with  the 
Count  deCuambohd  (Hinkt 
TUK  Fivth)  luid  Lons  Napo- 
i.zoN.  We  are  sure  t!mt  ever}- 
English  heart  will  aak.  at  this 
t.vculful  moaieut.  where  is 
GoMEBSAL?  The  nccounlsof 
the  jjroceedinps  of  the  other 
:iidividxiftls  aspiring  to  give  a 
d^Tiasty  to  France  are  sutfl.  [ 
cient  to  show  that  eventhiiig 
^^:;C^  lately  done  by  them  is  of  a 
iSo  purely  theatrical  kind,  luid, 
therefore  it  could  all  be  done  | 
much  more  effectually  by  curl 
old  friend  Gomeusal.  He 
has  been  familiar  all  his  Ufcj 
witli  the  Cb«/r*rtf,  while  the 
performers  that  hnfe  recently 
Dccu  acting  their  parta — the 
one  at  Wiesbaden,  the  other 
at  Besnn^-on,  Lyons,  &c.,  &c., 
—are  evidently  new  to  the 
sort  of  thing,  and  consequent  ly 
fail  in  giving  due  effect  to  the 
numerous  dramatic  iKtints  tliey 
are  intent  upon  uiakin;?. 
For  instance,  who  can  rend  the  report  of  the  scene  enacted  by  the  Count  pp.  CiiAMBOttD, 
when  he  called  the  oucnrrt  round  him  and  insisted  on  their  dr&ving  close  euouRh  to  hira  to 
enable  him  to  hear  their  hearts  beat?  Who,  wc  ask.  can  read  this  without  seeing  the 
fiinire  of  (Jomkusal,  with  the  foot-Ughts  before  it,  and  feeling  that  the  bituatioii  was  just  the 
kind  of  thing  fur  him  to  have  done  justice  to?  Amateurs  are  always  awkward,  and  the 
Count  dp  ("'iumhobd  canuot  have  been  as  much  at  home  in  this  part  of  the  performance 
as  a  man  like  Cjomehaal  would  have  been,  who  has  l)cea  accustomed  all  his  life  to  beat  his 
own  bosom,  rush  into  all  sorts  of  arms,  clxug  round  all  kinds  of  necks,  and  turn  back  the  hair 
from  all  sorts  of  foreheads,  with  every  species  of  shriek,  from  the  high  soprano  of  joy  to  the 
doubIe-ba&s  of  the  deepest  misery.  •  •^.^ 

Where  then,  we  again  a.sk,  is  Gombeaal?  There  seems  to  be  an  empire  awaiting  him, 
if  he  will  only  pack  up  his  carpet-bay,  pav  his  fare  by  the  boat,  and  take  with  hmi,  as  an 
old  adherent  to  the  Empire  (at  AsTLErs).  the  evergreen  WlDDicoKB.  The  latter  will  only 
be  rcfiuircd  to  place  his  hand  on  his  heart,  and  illustrate  /«  doux  gouc^tttrs,  while  Gohrrsai. 
has  only  to  run  his  eye  over  the  prompt-book  of  the  Amphitheatre;  refresh  his  rccoUcctum 
about  the  different  cues;  look  at  his  dictioiuvry  of  dates  with  reference  to  Austerlitr^  and  nl 
that  sort  of  thing;  get  his  nose  into  good  smiff-taking  order:  borrow  a  pwr  oi  imperial 
eagles  from  Aetley's  pronerty-mnn ;  take  a  few  lessons  in  French  pronunciation  ;  stuff 
bis  pockets  with  a  few  of  the  old  crosses  of  the  Legion  of  Honour  which  he  used  to 
distribute  among  the  supemumeranes ;  and,  thus  prepared,  we  will  back  him  against  any- 
one for  creatine  a  favourable  impression  among  Frenchmen  at  the  present  moment. 

WiDDicoMB^must,  of  course,  equip  hiinseli  as  a  French  Field-Marshal;  but  as  there  is,  no 
doubt,  3  pair  of  Nky's  breeches,  a  coat  of  Kellerman's,  and  a  cocked-hat  of  MoRTrea's.  in 
the  wardrobe  of  the  Theatre,  there  will  he  no  dilCcultv  in  rigging  out  the  veteran  according 
to  the  traditions  «  iowhftHks  oi  la  ffrande  anare.  It  "WtDDicoiCB's  cocked-hat  and  feather 
should  not  go  directly  home  to  every  Frenchman's  heart,  and  if  Gomersal's  rfHinpote  does 
not  appear  rampoHie  in  every  Frenchman's  eye,  ve  are  no  judges  of  the  Gallic  character. 


charity.  Poor,  good  Dtike !  What  a  &hamc  it  is. 
that  a  man — because  a  Duke— cannot  have  pa-s^ed 
decently  and  goodnaturedly  through  life,  cfit  iug 
the  fattest  thereof,  and  dnnking  of  the  richest 
and  rarest  —  without  being  monstertd  into  a 
rihilanthrnpist,  hardly  second  to  Pbomt.thpi:s! 
If  ^he^e  umMers  nre  known  in  the  ^hndt■^^  tlic 
Duke — with  all  liis  sublimated  good-tcmjKi*,  can 
hardly  take  it  as  a  comj^inient  toat  his  pro|>osc({ 
monument  is  to  be  little  other  than  a  sort  of 
card-tmy  to  hold  "the  names  of  the  Cliainiicu 
and  the  Secretaries"  of  money-begging  Com- 
mittees. 

Kcjtdcr,  you  may  luive  seen  a  busy  fellow  in- 
tent upon^  statue — the  ligure  of  Fame.  Hope,  or 


Charity.  Was  lie  rapt  bv  the  beauty  of  the  statue 
in  the  abstract — was  he  touched  by  nverencc 
for  the  quality  it  flgurrd?  And  now  he  has 
walked  away,  and  you  walk,  and  then.  closiMo 
the  statue,  pause  iu  his  footsteps;  when,  look- 
ing, you  behold  scriiwled  ou  the  garment  hem  of 
Cfmnl^— "John  Giaiiiss,  Gent."  Now,  Guu- 
BlNs  IS  the  chairmim  or  secretary  to  a  Cam- 
BitiDQU  Monument  Committee. 


THE  CAMBRU)GE  BUBBLE. 


What  is  the  trne  gauge  of  "  fecliiura  ?  "  Is  it,  in  the  case  before  us,  the  breeches  -pocket  ? 
The  (.'ommittec  for  the  Cumbrids^e  Monument  in  smoke  (for  it  will  be  of  no  more  enduruig 
material  than  tlmt  which  puffs  and  rolls  from  the  kitchen  chimney  of  the  Liondon  Tavcni) 
—the  Committee  speakiii!*  through  E.  F.  Lkeks  (name  of  congenial  greenness),  Hon.  Sec, 
assure  the  placid  public  that  they  "are  anxious  to  collect"  money  enough  '*to  raise  f^ai 
description  of  inonunu^nt  which  will  do  equal  justice  to  their  oicn/eelviffM,  and,"  &C-  &c.  Does 
not  this  leave  the  stvle  of  monument  a  matter  of  profound  mystery  ?  Who  is  to  judge  of  the 
architectural  order  best  illustrative  of  the  feelings  of  a  Committee  P  Why  do  thev  not 
at  once  publish  speciuicns  tluit  we  might  judge  of,  and,  if  possible,  s^pathise  with  the 
architectmal  svinbol  of  human  emotions  as  living  in  the  brr-asts  of  Committee  men,  many  of 
whose  " names,"  it  is  elsewhere  promised  oa  a  pleasant  bribe,  "will  be  inscribed  n]K)n  the 
pedestal." 

'lli«  pUte  will  serve  as  an  ample  tablet  for  the  names  of  the  Chainneu  and  Secretaries  of 
the  Committees,  whilst  at  tlie  same  time  it  will  illustrate  the  persevering  means  employed 
lo  collect  subscriptions.  The  knife  and  fork  wiU  stand  keenly  and  pointedly  cpigrammatio 
of  not  a  few  of  the  unwearied  services  of  the  late  DUKJJ  OE  CAMBaiDGJ!  in  the  cause  of 


THE  RENOVATION  OF  THE  THAMES. 

Thames,  King  of  Streams — at  last,  it  seems — 

Tliy  bosom  s  to  be  dnuncd  of 
That  perilous  stuff  of  dintry  huff 

AV'hich  we  've  so  long  cniupluincd  of; 
And  putrid  loam  and  filthy  foam 

No  more  shidl  clog  the  river, 
A^Tiere  darts  shall  not  be  longer  shot 

From  fell  Miasma^s  quiver. 
Its  waves  no  more  shallj  recking,  pour. 

Too  thick  almost  to  ripple, 
With  what,  right  sure,  makes  good  manure, 

But  very  nasty  tipple. 
Vivacious  idl.  the  eels  shall  crawl 

The  fresh  and  wholesome  sludge  on. 
Whose  present  stench  would  e'en  kill  tench. 

And  has  de-:>t roved  the  gudgeon. 
The  swans  shall  glide  upon  a  tide 

Sweet  as  a  nut— or  sweeter — 
Swan-hmjpers,  too,  shall  swans  pursue, 

'Mid  Irasrance  'stead  of  frtor 
In  pleasure-bark,  the  uladsoine  lark 

The  pure  streaiu  will  admit  on. 
Off  Kolherliithc,  as  fresh  and  blithe 

As  omiositc  1  hamcs  Ditton. 
Off  Puddlcdock — the  early  cock 

His  sprightlv  clarion  blowing — 
Shall  bathers  dive,  like  fun  aUve. 

'Mid  waters  cr>stal-flowing; 
Which,  now  too  queer  for  making  beer 

At  Chelsea  Reach,  by  Jingo ! 
Shall,  at  Blackwall,  brew  strong  or  small ; 

The  best  of  swipes,  or  stingo. 
And  tea  to  make  shall  housewives  take 

The  stream  as  low  as  Deptford, 
Now  ruiiniuE  there,  comipt  as  e'er 

Was  Stockbridge,  or  East  Ketford, 
The  town  first  named  for  trout  is  famed. 

Good  three  or  four  pound  lumpers; 
The  trout  there  sell  almost  as  well 

As  whilom  sold  the  plumpers ; 
And  London  trout— the  Thiiraes  cleaned  out— 

As  hard  shall  strain  our  (uckle ; 
Acd  Bridge  bellow  the  angler  throw 

Deftly  the  kUling  hackle. 
Nay,  as  for  fish — exclaim  not  "  Pish ! " 

Reply  not  "Stuff!"  or  "Gammon!" 
Just  caught,  hard  by.  yourself  and  I 

At  Greenwich  bholl  eat  saLnon. 


nOB   AND   NOB, 


"  TttE  Hebrew  mind,"  said  Hon,  in  his  short 
hammer-ui^ion-nail  way,  "as  developed  with  U5, 
has  no  notion  of  wit,  no  regard  for  humour." 

"  Nevertheless,"  said  the  good-natured  Nob, 
"  you  must  allow  this  much — the  Jew  ha&^^-w 
derful  sense  of  internist,." 


* 


I 


TH£  PAELIAMENTART  JOE  MILLER. 


Vr" 


mn 


MXXLt  we  spoke  of  &n  tuiituing  little  book 
bewing  the  above  title,  and  tne  following 
are  some  choioe  oxtnctc  therorrom.  They 
w^  be  fouml  to  be  the  best  bon-mots 
uttered  during  the  late  Session. 

"  Mr.  BBiovT  aftU  that  the  eloqneote  of  the  Haa. 
Bl«mr)«r  for  TtTertAo  «u  vetr  mofli  Ult«  tnTeUlng 
thimteti  ft  rEllv&T  tonoeL  It  wMnawtwoor  thres 
mU<»  lonx— ^nd  proftKmdlT'  dulc  fhOD  oob  «ad  to 
UKittker.  Tb«  HooM  baA  Uatcned  Id  perfee*  lIlMee 
—la  tb«  tmpei  of  luuing  or  Mtlng  aoiiwlUas— tnt 
It  *u  oalj  vben  tlio  Hrjn.  SfntalMr  Iwl  raaeb«d  Ota 
aitr«tt«  Arul  of  hli  Ions  tsnotf.  that  Iha  Beow 
bef(wi  to  pemtlTa  >  lltiis  dayUgbt    B«  mut  asr, 


thftt  OD  •bglM  Is  Kb*  pTMMi  HliiiMtr;r_tud  tb« 
of  Um   SteratAry  for  ' 

remark  Chat 
baUt   of  DaUnc 


(insx^K  paopla  vllh  loeb  extraordlnarr  rm| 
IteMgb  the  darlL"  (LoagkUr.im^  aim  o/-  Ot 
*  Ma.  Ranroui*  look  tha  mwrty  to  nmarl 
In 

Ileriln  wool-work  (InigXttr)  ;  Uiat  ia  to  anr,  th«7 


THE  TRUSTWORTHY  GUIDE  TO  LONDON. 

Wb  have  received  a  communication  in  the  form  of  a  printed  eiroUr, 
marked  "  Private  and  Confidential,"  and  signed  wHb  the  njune  of  tt 
Iriah  gentleman.  It  embodies  the  proepectus  of  a  new  Guide  to 
London,  to  be  brought  oat  iu  January  next,  under  the  title  oi 

"WHAT'S  WHAT? 

U  1851/' 

"  Wiai  *i  Whair*  we  are  informed,  will  be  published  with  a  rierw  to 
the  vast  influx  of  foreigncrti  that  may  be  expected  next  year,  both  m 
}>VeDcli  and  Knglish,  and 


"Will  contain  a  ^\Aa  to  tmrj  pUca  worth  rlaltlac,  anA  KratT  Tmaoc^ 
KiTABLiniicxarT  wbsu  PnoBJUUt  oax  &■  mvr  BiaioirABtT  avD  aansracnnnr 
KADK.  It  vUl  raeaoBmead  raadara  wbtn  to  aeck  wwr  article  cauMrtil  vidi  Ua 
(t«c)  wants  aod  raqoUtloo*— of  taato,  liuorj,  aad  otilltf . 
hU  b€  primtai  bt  »0a  ta^wv*''  m  of  oogra&  onlT  fho«  amlMBea  wia 
iVfaaitf  arrauMUMila  an  nMe,  wfU  be 


!2V"V 


■pecchaa,  tn  the  same  va^  that  Pnntbon  did  her 

'mm 
a  loHRramin  thonomlncaMd  picked  It  toplun^  apila  In  the  ereninc,  or  iha  next  oax* 
Tb«  looiuter  yn  aboat  the  SviMlar  Poat-OflWa  wu  a  yani  of  ihli  deaslpaoo— «Bd 
luucli  OM  )ia  cjntidiaicutod  tha  Hon.  MetnbAr  for  the  CH/  of  London  hg  the  logmuity 
witli  which  he  hail  apua  it  ingvtbvr,  •till,  tl  wan  nothlnit  tn  the  admlrntloa  he  Mt  for  tha 
clerenieae  hla  IxtnlAMp  bad  aAcrward*  displayed  in  pleklna  bJi  own  haBdlvorll  to 
pleora,"     (Moanc/lamghur,  *n  wAirA  L/iao  Jitns  /uartxlf  ^fiuui) 

"  Ma.  DoaajKU  aattl,  that  the  Caa>oaixoB  or  tui  ExirHaqtrm  ha^  cDch  a  wond«rAiI 
f akal  tat  peraaadlDS  people,  that.  If  be  w«nt  In  tovreh  of  the  North  P<A/b.  ha  wuold  onlj 
have,  on  hU  reCura,  to  flourish  bU  «alklBp-«tkk  in  the  eyes  of  half  a  doam  Uaabeti, 
and  nj,  'Gentlenwn,t^U^  North  Fole,*  and  the  HonMe,  tn  UiebotnidleainMasof  ita 
fktlh,  woald  IwUaTe  it"     [Ga^al  bu^Unr.)  | 

**  BnjvAiTT  Mtrarnr  boldly  told  the  Boa.  MoDber  for  Limerick  that  then  was  tbia 
dlflbraOM  betwaan  him  aod  hla  foihei^-that,  whereaa  DAinn.  0'Coinrn.t.  wae  tbe ; 
Opbldalda  ofafltatiou,  he  (Joaa  O'ConauO  vaa  maralr  the  peony  whlatla."  (£oii^ 
fmtimtai  tmfhur.) 

**  Ma.  OaaoBin  twld  Ma  Uaqcnam't  apeedm  Maniad  always  to  bo  napled  after 
one  mndel,— '  A  Rmilmn$  OtiUk.'  They  were  alwaya  fhll  of  Iho  doaaet  flfurea, — and  wvn 
quite  aa  Intoraitiiif— aod  tbej  had  thii  fttrther  reaeinblaDc«,  that  It  waa  oltaily 
IniKMiethto  Id  either  to  ftod  oat  a  91dk1«  thlax  yoa  wanted."    (J  lavgk.) 

'  CotOirn,  SiarsoBP  alwaya  trembled  when  the  Hod  Member  fir  Maocbestor  roae  to 
■peak.  Be  eoald  only  oompara  hla  eaaaatlona  to  the  alarm  ha  felt  when  ha  ftrit  skW 
saaoir  NAniAjr  daaee  the  hornpipe  amonirat  the  tea  tblnaa— te  nade  tin*  that  every 
mlouta  the  Hon.  ber  would  pat  htc  foot  (d  it."    (Loitd Lrngkim',) 

"  Ma.  Dbdkho  led  the  r<  ''>nlal  Aecretary  the  '  ll^fatnLng  eoodoctor  of  Downloc 

Btreot'  11b  waa  oonUatially  b  ^fatf  ii"wn  tbe  llffhtninff  that  played  OTor  M^lniaterR* 
baada,  hnt  tlieo,  he  saved  their  itvee.  His  position  In  the  Minutry,  be  waa  oondilfiot, 
«M  narely  to  draw  off  the  thunder  that  had  aocnmolsted  iu  the  overtharfrpd  political 
alau)«pbere." 

"  LoKi)  JoKK  reminded  hire  "  (aald  Mm.  Cofiota)  "  of  tb«  oelebrated  little  monee  In 
the  aumery-legand  of  '  Vitkorj,  DIefcory,  Doek,'  whleb,  with  the  parmiwioa  of  <he 
Houaa,  ha  wooll  now  raelto  :— 

*  r>ickf>ry,  Dtckory,  Dock, 
The  mftise  ran  op  the  clock 
Tbo  otock  ittrock  one, 
Aud  down  b«  run, 
Oickory,  Dtckory,  Doek.'    (Ttmglttm.) 

"Xow.  wbathftd  Loan  Jont  done  all  thla  SoMloa 7  He  bad  merely  run  tip  tlie  Par 
Uamenianr  eliiek,  and  what  for?  why,  for  no  other  pnrootet  U  oouU  not  fall  to  itrlfca 
one,  thaa  to  rua  don  a^aln."    {Lmf^^pnitnuad  tait^ur.) 

We  miKht  five  many  more  bright  examples  of  the  Collective  Wit  of 
the  ooontry.  tor  they  are  as  numerous  as  the  naring  stones  of  London, 
hut  we  arc  sure  the  reader  will  cry  with  us.     Hold!   Enough." 


The  mention  of  a  "  gentleman  *»  "  name  in  "  Wh0i  '*  What  r  "  or  iht 
*'  name  only  of  ouy  Ealahlbhment "  will  oost  St.;  and  for  "  re<comroen- 
dation  occupying  one  page,"  the  charge  is  five  gtiineafi.  A  blank  form 
of  application  for  the  insertion  of  advertisements,  which,  in  the  indiri- 
dual  document  before  ils,  has  been  filled  up  by  a  geutlem&n  named 
Gheeh.  oomp)etc»  the  money-imp. 

As  tne  Thlue  of  any  roconimeudatioa  ia  a  matter  of  some  little 
importancei  it  may  be  as  well  fur  purchasers  to  know  that  the  good 
word  of  "WluU*a  IHuUf*  is  worth  from  a  crown  to  £5  5#.  Such 
tradesmen  as  are  disposed  to  think,  the  coounodity  worth  the  price,  had 
better  follow  the  example  of  Mr.  Green  ;  who  has  kindly  pcrmKtod  na 
to  use  the  influenoo  of  his  name  iu  putting  both  customvn  and  dealers 
upto"»=Xrf'*rAi//'" 


ROYAIi  ADDENDA. 


HOW  WILL  GLASS  ATTECT  THE  HUMAN  FRAME? 

"  Dear  Sir. 

*'  I  cannot  tell  you  how  glad  I  am  that  the  glass  dome  of  the 
pTind  building  for  the  l^xiiibition  of  Indnstnr  is  not  to  be  erected,  for 
it  would  have  been  my  dutv  to  stand  under  that  monster  dome  ten 
houn»  every  ^y.  I  do  not  Know  whether  glass  cases  have  the  same 
efl'ect  uuon  the  human  frame  as  they  do  upon  cnoombm.  At  all  events, 
I  shoula  have  dreaded  the  cxpennicnt,  for  I  am  ^ready  six  feet  two. 
and  I  have  no  doubt  that  before  the  Exliibition  had  been  over,  I  shoula 
hrivft  (frown  to  that  extent  that  it  would  have  her n  requisite  to  cwt  a 
hi'lf  iti  the  roof  to  enable  me  to  put  m^  head  through — unless  1  liad 
hid  do%vn  upon  my  back,  in  which  rnsr  it  would  liare  oecn  dreadful  to 
oontomplate  where  my  legs  miifht  iiut  hnve  stretched  to !  As  it  is.  I  am 
bnlf  afraid  of  Mr.  PAXTox*a  pUti,  as  that  is  to  consist  mostly  of  glass — 
and  the  result  will  \)t  for  those  inside,  I  suspect,  anything  but '  as  oool 
as  a  cucumber*  However,  I  sliall  keep  an  arcurato  register  of  my 
beiffht,  and  if  I  fmd  it  to  become  a  growing  evil,  I  shall  make  an  application 
to  the  Committee  that  my  salary  shall  nse  every  week  in  proportion  to 
mvself.  as  I  am  not  ^oing  to  stand  (ten  hours  a  day)  havuig  the  *  rise 
taken '  out  of  me  '  bv  inches,*  without  being  paid  for  it. 

"  Will  you  be  kind  enough.  Sir,  to  put  my  fcara  before  the  eye  of  the 
public,  for  the  cimcrimcnt  of  shutting  a  man  in  a  large  glass  case  has 
never  been  tried  before,  and  I  happen,  I  am  sorry  to  say,  to  be 

"  Ov%  o»  THE  Im-Door  GtJARDiAifa  enqaoeo  tor 

JIKT  teak's    EXBlBlTIOir." 


We  have  a  statue  in  London  to  the  Duke  of  Kent 
We  hav&  as  every  Englishman  knows  to  liis  shame,  A  statue  to  the 
Dttke  op  York. 
We  have  a  beautiful  statue  of  George  the  Foveth. 
Wo  have  a  pig-tailed  statue  of  Gborob  tkb  Third. 
We  have  a  pale  plum-pudding  looking  statue  of  WiLLtuf  tbb 

FOORTB. 

We  are  promised  a  statue  of  the  "  Good  Dues"  o?  Cajcbridce. 

Why  not  complete  the  list,  and  have  statues  erected  to  every  member 
of  the  Royal  Family  P  Two  members  at  present  are  sadly  mining. 
Accordingly,  we  propose  that  subscriptionfl  be  instantly  made  for  the 
following  laudable  objects: — 

A  Statxte  to  thb  Doke  o?  Sussex.— We  are  sure  he  doserres  it 
aa  muc^  as  the  Duke  or  Keht,  and  a  great  deal  more  than  the  "  First 
j^ntlem&n  in  Europe,"  who  sits  in  Trafalgar  Square  without  any 
trousers  on. 

AuD  A.  Statue  to  the  Duke  or  CuiCBCRLAirD. — We  are  pootiTe 
he  is  as  deserving  of  it  quite  as  much  as  the  Duke  or  Torx,  ud  that 
his  statue  could  not  fail  to  give  pleasure  to  all  clastea. 


A  Tacency  for  a  Public  Xenu 

Victor  Hugo,  in  a  beautiful  speech,  recentlr  delivered  in  Pinia, 
said,  "  Great  men  make  their  own  pedestahi :  Posterity  placca  their 
statues  upon  them."  This  ia  precisely  the  ease  with  the  pedestaJ  in 
Trafal^  Sqaare.    We  have  made  the  pedestal,  and  we  loafe  it  to 

Postenty  to  phice  the  statue  upon  it. 


there's  mo  preserve  ukb  it. 

Saxt  is  more  freauently  used  in  pickles  than  preserves.  ^  In  fact 
there  is  only  one  kina  of  preaerre,  as  rar  as  we  know,  in  which  it  is  Qaea 
at  all.— and  that  is,  in  sea-bathing — which,  we  are  all  aware,  is  reoom- 
mended  at  this  time  of  the  year,  as  the  rcry  best  way  of  preserving  one's 

health,  _ 

Sabbatarian  Penance. 

The  domestic  misery  occasioned  by  the  dosing  of  the  Snnday  poet 
has  been  ackuowledeed  even  to  the  avowed  wame  of  some  m  the 
Sabbatarians  themselves.  It  must  have  been  a  feeling  of  this  kind 
that  nye  rise  to  a  rumour  very  generally  circnlated,  that  on  Sunday 
lost,  being  the  day  on  whicn  the  post  was  re-opened.  Lord  Abhlbt 
wonid  do  penanoe  in  St.  George's  Church  in  a  huge  white  sheet  of 
letter  paper,  manufactured  for  the  oooasion.  An  enonsona  crowd 
collected,  in  the  expectation  of  seeing  his  lordship,  who,  bowerer, 
did  not  appear. 


i 


"A   PRIME  MINISTER'S   HOLIDAYS." 

AS  THEY  ARE    SUPPOSED    TO    BE; 


<c 


A  PRIME  MINISTER'S  HOLIDAYS." 


A3    THEY  ARE. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAJII. 


109 


^ 


PUNCH'S    ROYAL    PROGRESSES. 


THE  PROGRESS  TO  OSTEND. 

Bnaff  am  Spi»tlf  from  the  UoxotitABLE  Constakce  Blank, 
Maid^JUmmr,  to  the  Lady  BlaJJCue  Four  Stars. 

TujkKK  N'-^-""-^.  dear  Blott^^  "'■••'' once  more  at  Osborne ! 

Uiiw  III  >sTAifCR  C'  c  tcai  bora 

To  be  Li  ,;  ingoDboart!!  i  >acht — 

But  ftt  lasl  **.*  tuiu  t!Aiiio,  fmd  I  r*iiil>  wna  caught — 

JSW/rr  no¥Ji,  liioucrh  HfK  Majesty  'sciipcs  the  cumraotion, 

T      '■  "  lior*ubiects  we  subject  on  ocean, 

h\.  1  ^Lder  tLe  su^riup  which  kv  women 

r  .  !io  arc  not  audi  jqreat  scA-women — 

A;  ottc  atarta— which  is  vtm  cousoUng, 

iv  i-'xrt  ■»  a  Kul  bait  for  mll-nc. 

\\i'\i—{h**  Liiiit',  Lbey  in.-i  '<!  of  it— 

But.  short  thoupli  the  ti  v  the  end  of  il ! 

My  MAte-TOom  is  fitted  Uji  cumeur  (It  rw, 

But  what  'a  ^Ad/.  when  oae '»  hoaviikK  in  sea-sick uess's  throea? 
VVIiat*«  lh«  use  nf  gill  mnulditiss  ana  nmnle-wood  panel, 
While  one's  lift:  ia  a  mere  ton^  up  in  the  Channel  P 
With  the  cutfino  throb—throbhiiur  in  tunc  with  one's  head, 
And  the  wave*  kee^HUX  np  a  swiah — swish  by  one's  bed. 
Of  oourae,  ui.v  love,  oatiuR  wa«  out  of  tlic  queation. 
Oue  sbuddervd,  you  know,  ai-  Uie  siiaplo  MiErarstion — 
80  for  twelve  houre,  aa  wretched  a£  \\'n:tchp(l  could  be, 
YnuT  CoNaTAKCE  U/  tossin? — and  so  did  ihr  M*a. 


friend, 

d; 


Till  on  Thursdiiy  a*  nine,  to  the  jov  of  yunr 

I  was  told  we  were  hcjivinv  iu  sujcu*  of  Oste 

Aod  heaving  in  si^t  ou*l  (ynu  wcui't  feel  n  doubt  of  it) 

Was  oood  news  to  one  who  'd  beeji  joii^  hcavi&g  out  oif  it. 

80  I  huddled  loy  thinscs  on,  ah^nn'niibly  fast, 

Aiid  maufu.'cd  to  acranible  on  di;ck,  love,  Qic  last! 

Where  I  found  all  the  party  (of  coiu-so  not  the  Qoeen), 

LookioK  what  dear  I»iu>  Gadabout  adlcd  a  sea-^een. 

And  wo  mw,  as  wc  saied  iow'rds  llic  land  from  the  poop. 

About  half-a-mUe  of^what  liMkud  like  pea*aonp: 

And  then  the  low  line  of  the  Dykes,  as  they  nill  *ein. 

With  wliich  from  the  sea  these  low  country  folks  wall  'em ; 

With  surh  little  soldiers,  their  (flillant  defenders, 

And  clustered  behind  *ein  the  wortbj;  Ostcados. 

For  every  hoiue,  np  {ram  seek  U>  attic, 

Waa eet  foil  of  uoee  ao  6xod  andphleffmatio, 

Tott  M  haTD  Cuicied  then  ataid  Flemiah  dts  and  Uteir  wivee 

H*d  seen  a  Queen  laud  every  day  of  tlieir  lives; 

And  DO  wonder  for  when  we  ftaAmed  up  to  the  jeltgr,  (new 

Scoured  down  for  (be  day),  without  any  retinue. 

King  Leopold,  walked  m  pUin  olive  sartout. 

And  welcomed  tlic  Queen  with  a  "  How  d'  yc  doP" 

And  then  the  Prinoe  Conaort,  and  then  tiie  Frincoiaea; 

Then  the  Prince*,  <so  neat  in  their  man'O'-war  drosaes) 

And  then  turned  about,  auite  saiu/a^om,  to  greet 

Witii  a  welcome  to  Flanders  poor  us  of  the  auite. 

In  short,  my  drar  creature,  you  never  did  sot 

A  royal  rmromtrr  so  tawt  rrrrmonie  ; 

And  bad  it  not  bw^n  for  the  little  ortUIcrv, 

Who  stood  up  in  their  fttooks,  like  small  Doys  in  the  pillorv— 

And  rather  more  crowd  in  the  town  than  you  re  wont  in  it 

To  find,  when  you  huid  here,  fn  ronfe  for  I  he  Contiuisit — 

And  the  flsics  and  the  Kay  carithm  from  each  steeple. 


You  'd  have  thovf^ht  it  a  nieelinff  of  oronr  day  people. 

And  then  we  drove  ofT,  in  a  hrocc  of  lanoaus. 

To  tl]C  funniest  palace  that  ever  you  saw ; 

A  plain  yellow  houaet  in  a  pUin  yellow  el  reet, 

With  an  ui^ly  square  door  and  square  windows  a»  euUei 

And,  sole  si|m  ot  royaltv,  each  side  tlic  entry, 

A  small  scntry-bot  with  a  still  aniallpr  sentry. 

A-  '  >\  to  think  for  a  inotiient  that  we  uphold 

T'  !  Claremont  for  poor  dear  KwG  Lsorou), 

A(  s^Hiic  iwi'uiy  tbousaod  a  year,  while  at  home 

Thcv  're  qoaitered  in  this  style— no  wonder  thev  roam. 

And  one  sees,  when  one  has  the  0>uTt  Oireulsr  oandea. 

How  the  Ring  and  the  Queen  of  the  Bdgiani  have  landed 

At  Woolwich,  or  Folkstono  or  Kanufcate,  or  Dover. 

Poor  thin;?5 !  Wtien  in  fin^jiand  they  must  feel  in  clover ! 

But  I  must  do  the  dear  KmfC  the  justioe  to  say 

He  did  all  he  could  for  our  piuty  that  day. 

We  walked  ou  the  nuuparta,  wait  bank,  dined,  ttid  theaf 

liot  's  see — yea— wc  walked  on  the  raaiperta  agsia ; 

For  unless  you  go  into  the  sc^  love,  you  know. 

The  rampart 's  tJie  only  place  Ion.  you  to  go ; 

But.  oouGeiv&  after  dinner,  ou  counting  the  heads. 

His  M^e&ty  lound  he  could  not  give  us  beds ; 


Onlv  think,  love,  a  king  whom  his  subiecta  adoiCL 

And  not  six  spare  bed'TOoms  for  frienas  come  ashore^ 

Tliey  did  talk  of  puttmg  Loao  GLtur  in  the  stable, 

Thoupht  Gadabout  miffhi  rough  it  under  the  table— 

And,  fur  my  part,  I  *A  rather  have  slept  on  the  floor, 

TIuui  have  pone  to  that  horrible  steamer  onoe  more, 

But  Her  Majesty  (]uitc  pooh-poohed  all  our  demuni^igs, 

Thouflh  wc  offered  to  pack  ourselves  dose  as  red-hcmngSi 

And  declared,  since  the  palace  rtmm  couldn't  offbrd, 

Wc  must  all  of  ua  put  up  with  beds,  love,  on  brnird. 

Of  what  tliiit  nierht  was  I  won't  try  a  dt'scription — 

But  one  thin?  1  vill  say— tint  never  in  fiction. 

Not  the  liorriblcst  picture  that  dear  Eugene  Suk, 

Or  that  darling  Duxas,  in  his  wildest,  e'er  drew, 

(Ajid  on  uncooked  (xjrk -chops  I  'd  allow  you  to  sup.  looj 

That  horrible  niirbt  of  ours  ever  came  up  to ; 

Lord  Glump,  poor  wretch,  retcLiua,  and  heaving,  and  sighui/;— 

LoHD  O.VDAnouT  firndy  convinced  he  was  dving — 

Lady  Mello.v  confessing  her  small  peocadiltoefr— 

And  I  givino:  up  my  whole  soul  to  the  billows. 


Tliey  say  in  a  cottage  bliss  ouiy  be  your  lot ; 
In  a  oottaffe  il  aay  be,  but  n«  er  in  a  rot : 


d  For  breath, 
dcAlh. 


rtiinfort  of  all.  we  made  land  ! 
;  I  ripiied  ashore,  freab  as  a  rose— 
^e  all  looked  I  leave  you  to  suppose. 
no*er  know  wliat  'tis,  love,  at  bca  bo  be  ill — 
■im  ii  wtiry  continue  these  voywos  st31— 
I 'U  resigu— I  'ui  resolved— let  Pa  say  what  lie  wUl  I 
,  a  thousand  adieus— and  write  auuo^  dear,  to  thank, 
ar  her  long  lucubration,  your  own  Co»STA.Ncit  Blask  ! 


"HOUSEKEEPER  WANTED." 

The  following  advertisement  is  so  deliciously  cool — cool  aa  the 
weftthcr- that  we  give  it  in  Its  entirety  to  our  iwdcrs.  It  is  taken 
from  the  Estex  Standard  of  the  23rd  ult.  :— 

HOUSEKEEPER  WANTKD.  — The  AdwiUer  (without  any  ftmtly) 
wlib^t  to  D)«9t  «iU)  a  nwpectJible  Female,  nf  limited  Income,  wlio  would  bs  «IUInK 
tn  Mt  a.«  nooMkflcpiir,  sih)  muf/  kirn  7^  /bii«4>  a  jfmr  lo««rds  khv  U|«nm  »f  n  cum- 
"       "  *    "  -      -     -     -  i^j,^  -     -  .  .      _ 


forUblA  Iwiii«.— Apply,  by  let! 


-,  Ktatx  SkmAtrd  Offlcc,  CblehaMer. 


Times  arc  chan^d,  indeed!  Servants  are  now  called  upon  to  imy 
their  masters.  Wc  were  painfully  awnrc  that  govenie&scs  were  oitco 
made  by  cruel  necessity  to  give  thrir  time,  tmuhle.  and  talents  for 
nothing,  but  that  a  housekeeper  should  be  publicly  solicited  to  i;ive  ten 
pounds  B-ycar  to  her  master  surpnsBcs  evcrjlhin^:  wc  luive  ever  lic-ird  in 
this  braxcu  Hgc  of  iniuudcnce.  We  wonder  this  Colchester  uiUivc,  who 
seems  to  be  dreadfully  clo^e  in  "  shcllin:?  out,"  did  not  ask  for  a  suit  %Ji 
clotlics  as  well,  by  way  of  a  Uvery,— for  il  is  but  right,  since  he  is  rcvly 
to  accept  wages,  that  he  should  don  the  proper  costume  of  a  servant.  He 
taUuoi  a  '* comfortable  home."  Delicious  comforts  they  must  be,  when 
purchased  with  the  means  of  his  poor  dependeuU !  Why,  he  must  be  at 
the  mercy  of  his  housekeeper;  and  if  he  said  anythiiig  hansh — ami, 
judging  mim  what  we  already  know  of  his  character,  we  should  say 
that  he  would  be  very  capable  of  the  greatest  harshness — ithc  «-aald  be 
turning  round  and  giving  him  warning,  or  threatening — if  he  did  not 
hold  his  tongue — to  reduce  his  wages!  Nice  "home"  it  niu^t  be,  if 
all  his  servants  are  hired  upon  the  same  terms !  If  his  cook  gives  him 
five  pounds  a-year,  and  his  housemaid  three,  and  his  souUery-maid  finds 
him  tiis  tea  and  sugar,  this  shabbv  buohelor  must  make  a  good  tiling  q' 
it — oi^y  ve  do  not  envy  him  his  ^  oomfortablc  homo  I*' 


WHISPKKINGS  IN  TIIE  GALLERY  OF  8T.  PAUL'S. 

Which  is  the  noblest  Chapter  of  St.  Paul,  P 

The  Chapter  that  asks  Two-wnce. 

Have  you  seen  St.  Paul's  Library  ?  If  so.  state  what  you  think  to  ba 
the  Dean  and  Cliapter's  notion  of  the  dignity  of  letters. 

The  dignity  in  letters  L.  S.  D. 

Why  docs  it  appear  that  the  Dean  and  Chapter  never  went  U 
Brazenose? 

Brcause  they  have  the  fiiee  to  stick  to  coopers. 

What  mav  the  money-taker*  do  with  the  nod  half-pence  ? 

Ii»,!ignantiy  refuse  'em. 

What  do  you  consider  to  be  the  oldest,  most  vital.  aLd  nnost  r»> 
vered  institution  connected  with  the  ettAbliahed  Church  ? 

TWaPBNCE. 

Thi  Horr  UtrpusASAJCT  HoRKiifo  Call.— A  EaiSw*.^  «:ji^ 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


^ 


Bathing  Woman.  "Mastbr  PuAyKT  wouLny?  cut!  No!  Not  he!— Hi'u.  comb  to  his  Martha, 

A^'l)  Bathe  uiu  a  Ma^  ! " 


ANOTHER  PXmCH  AT  PUNCHY 

RAILWAY. 

^  The  Bhareboldera  of  our  ovn  dear 
little  railway  at  Kensington  kre  again 
indulging  some  wild  and  fanCastic 
ideas  of  getting  their  line  "  worked," 
as  if  we  bad  not  vorked  it  prcttjr 
well  for  Ihem  to  &)]  intents  ana  pur- 
poses. Their  present  bopea  arc 
rounded  uixin  tne  ragne  ioea  that 
some  sort  of  tmfHc  xasf  possiblv  ho 
developed  by  the  Exhibition  of  1^51 : 
but  we  regret  to  say  that  we  must 
once  more  smash  the  ei[pectAtion9  of 
this  small  s^uburban  concern,  for  we  aro 
bound  todeclare  that  a  railway  between 
Wormwood  Scrubs  and  Warwick 
Sfiuure— the  one  a  barren  waste,  the 
other  a  cut  de  $ae  of  private  bomsea — 
cannot  be  made  available  for  Kxhibi- 
tional  purpoaes.  Supposing;  eveo^ 
that  the  Wormwoodites  were  to  en- 
deavour to  furnish  specimens  of  tbe 
industry  of  the  Scrubs— bv  tbe  manu- 
facture of  scrubbing-bruaocs,  for  ex- 
ample —  their  transfer  to  Warwick 
Square  would  not  bring  theiu  much 
nearer  to  Hyde  Park  than  thev  were 
before,  and  the  intervention  of  papal 
power — the  cart  of  Pope,  the  local 
carrier — would  st  ill  be  required  to  com- 
plete the  Iransit.  With  refercnoe  to 
passenger  tralhc,  the  public  coming 
from  town  would  have  to  po  a  mila 
and  a  half  beyond  the  Exlnliition  be- 
fore they  got  to  tbe  Railway  by  which 
it  is  proposed  to  carrv  them,  and 
when  carried,  ihey  vould  still  be  a 
mile  and  a  half  from  where  they  wiah 
to  go  to. 


DA^'GERS  OF  OMNIBUS  TRAVELLING. 


a  great  Omnibus  Traveller— not  by  necessity  but  bv 
Omnibuses  are  crowded,  and  probably  always  will  be  crowded, 


"Deah  Sir, 
*'Iam 

choice 

with  nuisances;  but  of  nil  nuisances  none  are  so  sharp,  or  being  so 
coDtinually  thrust  in  gentlemen's  faces,  as  Utdie^  paratois.  I  have 
noticed  that  every  lady  who  enters  an  omnibus  is  sure  to  bring  in  a 
parasol  with  her.  She  may  not  carry  a  bundle,  either  dead  or  olive,  in 
the  shape  of  a  baby, — she  may,  perhaps,  bo  without  a  bird-cage, — she 
may,  by  some  curious  chance,  be  free  from  everything  iu  the  shape  of 
luggage,  beyond  a  small  reticule  no  bigger  than  a  gentleman's  cari>et- 
bog,— but  I  have  never  yet  secu  the  pbenomcuon  oia  lady  invading  an 
omnibus  without  her  bemg  duly  armed  with  a  parasol! 

"Now  the  parasoL  Sir,  is  the  most  formidable  weapon  of  defence 
(and  offence  too,  as  I  am  prepared  to  prove)  drawn  from  the  female 
arsenal  of  warfare.  A  woman  without  her  parasol  would  be  defenceless 
indeed!  If  a  lady  is  ounoycd  by  a  dojr  or  a  beggar, or  pursued  by  a 
mad  bull,  or  insulted^  by  aupr  one  in  tue  street,  the  first  implenicut 
brouglit  into  action  is  invariaoly  the  parasol.  There  are  oth^r  means  of 
female  urotection.  I  am  aware,  which  are  not  unfrequeutly  hod  recourse 
to  by  the  female  hand,  but  I  maintain  that  it  is  invariably  *  The  Pariuol 
firtt :  NaiU  aflencanU* 

"  But  in  an  omnibus,  this  'Female  Life  Preserver,'  for  so  I  call  the 
parasol,  is  only  used  as  a  weapon  of  ofFence  (unless  a  lady  has  more  than 
the  usual  share  of  pride,  and  hides  her  face  with  her  parasol,  for  fear  of 
being  seen  by  any  of  her  Bel^i^vian  acquaintances  inside  an  omnibus !) 
and  a  most  offensive  weapon  it  is  too ! 

"  Why,  the  nuisance  obtrudes  itself  cverv  where ;  you  cannot  sit 
down,  but  a  lady  is  sure  to  exclaim.  *  Oh !  Please,  Sir,  iake  care  of  my 
parasol ! '  You  cannot  arrange  your  Icgs^  any  how,  without  an  over- 
grown umbrella  (but  which,  by  courtesy,  is  promoted  to  the  rank  of  a 
pansol)  finding  itself  between  tbcm ;  and  yon  are  asked  by  the  lady 
opposite  *if  you  are  aware  that  is  herpatasul?'  You  cannot  turn  to 
toe  right  or  to  the  left,  but  tbera  is  certain  to  be  at  either  turn  the 
point  of  a  parasol  ready  to  dot  yoiir  eye.  If  you  arc  sittiiiff  at  tbe  end 
•eat  it  is  fifty  times  worse.  You  are  then  sitting  in  a  prickly  buah  of 
parasols  -  or,  to  come  nearer  the  mark,  your  head  seems  to  be  revolving 
nuide  a  larffe  wheel,  of  which  the  ladies'  parasols  are  the  spokes,  luia 
your  nose  the  axle. 

**  The  trouble,  aiso,  of  getting  inside  an  omnibus  carrying  fourteen 


ladies !  Tlte  narrow  avenue  is  screened  by  a  bristling  pfcH*ai<<»  of 
parasols,  piled  together  like  tbe  elephants'  tusks,  only  much  more 
formidable,  you  see  at  the  entrance  of  anatomical  museums;  or  all 
touching  at  the  top,  like  the  points  of  bayonets  on  a  stand  of  musketry. 
Unless  vou  have  the  oouroee  of  Aii>'0Lu  von  WimwELBjed,  and  allow 
Ihcra  all  to  meet  in  your  oreast,  as  that  patriotic  martyr  did  with  the 
Austrian  lances,  you  may  depend  upon  it  an  opening  never  will  be  made 
in  the  enemy's  ranks.  Iteally  it  ]s  not  unliKe  carrying  an  omnibus  at 
the  point  of  the  bayonet. 

"The  difficulty  of  coming  out  is  no  less  great !  You  have  the  same 
thicket  to  traverse,  and  you  are  lucky  if  you  escape  without  a  single 
wound ;  scratches  innumerable  you  must  expect  to  have,  for  no  bwjr 
ever  dreams  that  her  parasol  is  iu  the  wav,  or  tliat  it  is  unpleasant  for  a 
geutleman  to  have  it  sticking  in  his  whisker.  I  woiUd  not  complain  so 
bitterly  ou  this  bead — 1  mean  my  own — but  latterly  the  feniles  of 
ladies'  parasols  have  become  considerably  shari>cr,  and  now  they  hare 
arrived  at  a  point  of  perfection  that  is  rexliy  unendurable.  They  are 
made  of  ivory,  which  is  sharpened  finer  than  any  ^Vhitechapcl  needle, 
and  1  must  say,  for  one,  that  it  gives  ine  a  viuleut  turn,  and  quite  runs 
through  me,  whenever  I  am  made  to  give  an  eye,  not  to  one  needle^ 
but  to  a  whole  packet  of  such  needles  in  the  course  of  a  day.  My  eyes 
are  filled  at  the  mere  thoughts  of  it ! 

"Sir,  1  am  the  last  man  who  would  attempt  to  interfere  with  the 
amusements  of  any  one,  more  especially  the  ladies ;  but  I  woidd 
propose  that  a  notice  be  affixed  to  all  omnibuses,  delicately  intimatins 

that    '  No    BABIES   OR    PARASOLS   WILL  BE   ADMITTED   AT  AST    PaiCKT* 

or,  if  this  law  be  too  severe  to  be  ever  enforced,  that  tbe  conductor 
be  empowered  to  take  away  a  lady's  panmol  u])on  her  entering  the 
omnibus,  and  putting  it  out  of  the  reach  of  dimmer  in  a  parasol  stand, 
similar  to  the  one  tney  have  at  the  National  Gallery,  which  should  be 
kept  at  the  door  of  every  omnibus.  I  would  advise  that  the  charge  of 
one  penny  be  made  for  every  parasol  so  dctaineiL  and  by  these  strong 
means,  the  nuisance,  1  am  conndent,  would  soon  pe  abated ;  for  I  have 
observed  that  ladies  are  iniinitelv  more  sensitive  iu  their  pockets  than 
gentlemen.  It  reouires  a  much  stronger  muscular  power  in  the  arm  of 
a  woman  to  open  tier  purse  than  in  that  of  a  nian.  Levy,  then,  this 
tax  of  a  penny  upon  everv  parasol,  and  I  live  in  the  hope  tliat  ladies* 

Parasols  will  be  efFectually  put  down  in  everv  omnibus,  without  8ia 
ETER  Laurie  being  called  m,  a  remedy  which  might  be  almost  aa  bad 
OS  the  evil. 

"  Yours,  dear  Sir,  in  doily  peril, 

"A  GiBAT  Okvibus  Tjuvzluul" 


M 


^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE    LAST    MAN   OF  THE   SEASON.     (After  Campbbll.) 


AxL  London's  sights  shall  close  in  gloom, 

The  Opera  season  die ; 
Kensineion  GordcnJi  aliiJl  usume 

A  dull  placidity ! 
I  met  with  no  one  in  ray  ride, 
In  solitude  I  seem'd  to  piide 

My  horse  dovrn  Rotten  Row. 
I  heard  the  last  of  fashion's  throng 
Saving,  "  1  'vc  stop|)ed  in  town  too  long, 

I'y-morrow  off  1  go." 

Kegcnt  Street  had  a  sickly  glare, 

Repairs  of  Clubs  benui ; 
The  sKoletons  of  scafToIds  were 

Around  that  lonely  man ! 
The  instnuncnU  of  Opera  bands 
Were  mute  in  their  professors'  hands. 

Flute,  flageolet,  and  drum  ; 


Tht'  sta?c  had  neither  sound  nor  tread, 
SoMAG  and  ViAiujOT  arc  fled, 

Gaisi  and  all  arc  dumb. 
E'en  hi  Prufthph,  that  latelv  stood. 

With  music  loud  and  hipn. 
Where  Mario  was  so  wondrous  good, 

Has,  like  a  storm,  pa.tsed  by. 
Le$  ITuffwwots  their  work  have  done, 
Finished  is  La  Tcmpfsfii't  run, 

StUl'd  is  Carlotta's  toe  ; 
For  the  last  time  LASLACitE  appears, 
No  longer  through  a  thousand  ears 

His  wondrous  notw  .shall  flow. 

Corae !  let  the  curtam  quickly  fall, 

Procrastinaiiou  'a  vain ; 
Before  the  bghts  we  will  not  call 

The  Tocalists  again. 


On  Covent  Garden's  well-known  track, 
I  sorrowfully  turn  my  back ; 

No  bouqveti  now  Ineed. 
Pinks,  roses,  jonquils,  are  abhorred. 
Thry  lie  unsold  on  shopman's  boua. 

Or  run— uncut — ^to  seed. 

About  the  Park  I  cast  my  eyes, 

The  sifflit  ihrv  meet  is  dire ; 
A  dismal  row  of  shabby  flys, 

T-ct — by  the  job — on  hire : 
The  rab  that  speaks  a  deurth  of  cash, 
StriWui?  in  vain  to  cut  a  dash. 

With  broken-winded  niw. 
I  can't  remain — adieu,  Pall  Mail ; 
The  Boulogne  boat  to-morrow  shall 

Krcfi\'c  my  carpet  bag. 


SINGULAR  FORCE  OF  HABIT 

The  editor  of  the  Court  Circular  (who  always  writes,  we  are  told,  in 
a  court  dress— «ocked  hat,  silk  stockinpSj  sword,  and  everything  com- 
plete), is  80  much  in  the  habit  of  writing  ouc  certain  interesting^ 
paragraph  about  Her  Majestt,  that  bis  hand  mechanically  traces  it 
upon  every  possible  occasion.  The  paroKrapli  we  allude  to  is  the  me- 
morable one  which  vc  Imve  read  now  daily  for  the  last  ten  years,  and 
runs,  if  we  recollect  right,  nearly  as  follows : — 

"  Tills  nomlnit  Hu  Hajmmty,  MoompiwlAd  bj  Pmntuv  ALaEicr,  ImIc  bar  eustomary 
mlk  tiprm  tlift  iilnpe*." 

Wherever  Her  Maje.stt  goes,  the  above  paragraph  is  sure  to  follow 
her.  It  must  annoy  her  almost  ns  much  as  those  salutes  which  they  will 
fire  after  her,  as  if  the  only  way  of  catching  the  royid  car  was  by  firing 
giinpowdei  into  it.  Tlic  last  time  we  had  the  pleasure  of  mectrnj?  the 
above  ubiouitous  paragraph  was  at  Castle  Howard,  and  if  Her  Majesty 
aaocnded  Ben  Nevis,  or  viaited  the  Giant's  Causeway,  or  took  a  trip 
to  the  Hebrides,  we  almost  believe  that  the  next  moming's  accouut 
would  inform  us  that 

•"tVi  Qintui  Mul  ranrcs  Albkit,  aftM  breakful,  took  tliclr  anal  monUnc  walk 

To  do  justice,  however,  to  the  much-abused  editor  of  the  Owr/  Circular, 
▼0  must  soy  that  he  does  sometimes  neglect  to  record  the  vaUiablt:  fact. 
For  instance,  very  rccentlv,  when  the  Queen  wmt  to  Ostend,  no 
mention  whatever  was  mode  of  the  historic-al  incident.  For  two.  nay 
three  consecutive  days,  neither  the  Qiiekm  nor  ParacE  Ai-bert 
"walked  upon  the  slopce."  Aocoraoy  uko  this  is  its  own  pntise,  when 
we  remember  that  the  Royal  porBoaagca  were  on  board  the  Royal  Yacht. 


THE  VOICE  OF  THE  CHARMER. 

TiTE  CoMTE  DE  Chambori)  is  all  but  given  up  hv  the  Legitimist 
party  in  France.  They  pay  a  pilgrimage  to  a  desired  H^nht  Cinq,  and 
tbcv  find  the  poorest  creature :  a  mere  fussy  thing  of  recollections  and 
traditions,  about  as  fit  fur  the  world  in  it«  progress,  as  tbe  memory 
of  Louis  the  Foirteestii — could  it  be  reproduced— to  dance  a 
saraband.  Nevprthelcss,  though  Legitimist  France  despair  of  her  king 
of  bran  and  tiffany  our  own  Morning  Po^i  has  great  confidence  in  the 
full-sized  male  doll  of  St,  Louis's,  aud  pays  due  homage  to  "  that 
charm  of  voice  and  manner,  the  peculiar  and  inestimable  quality  of  Ids 
race." 

Now,  if  the  voice  and  manner  of  Henri  Cino  be  so  potent  for  fasci- 
nation,  why  does  lie  keep  in  idleness  the  miraculous  pitts  ?  TrVhy  docs 
ho  not  begin  in  earnest  to  charm  the  serpents  of  the  Republic,  making 
no  more  of  them  than  our  Mussulman  friend  in  the  Zoological  Gardens 
makes  of  ^w  snakes,  hooded  and  rattle  ?  But  the  days  of  miracles  are 
pouc :  especially  of  miracles  courtly.  Once,  indeed,  it  was  believed 
that  legitimate  kings  could  tonch  away  evil ;  but  now,  aud  even  in 
their  own  case,  somehow — despite  voice  and  manner — the  cvU  will 
stick. 


I 


A  TIMELT   COnriOE. 

The  people  of  Sheflield  have  voted  on  address  to  Lord  John 
RrssELt  praying  him  to  cause  an  increased  issne  of  copper :  more 
farthings,  halfpence,  and  penny-pieces.  Tlic  premier  shuuld  look  to 
this;  especially  if— as  in  the  case  of  Mrs.  Waguoric — it  may  be  found 
necessary  to  give  penaioiu  to  tbe  widows  of  mea  of  genius,  farthings 
may  be  wanted. 


I 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  PEAC»  CONGRESS. 

ow  the  world  would  aUgnate,  were 
it  not  for  the  foUies  of  the  hair- 
braiued  a»d  enthusiastic !  Hap- 
pily, thny  now  and  then  moke  tbe 
•idpA  of  the  prave  and  wise  to  shake 
with  wholesome  laughter ;  even 
thouich  the  aforesaid  gravity  aad 
windom  quick   subside  into    oom- 

riA?Mou — profouudcst    pity   of   tftC 
jLHuians.    How  many  lauglis  hn 
wisaom    cnjoved    at    the    cost  qi 
»peoululi\'«  folly  ! 

Them  was  one  Hebvet,  who 
4vouchcd  a  discovery  of  the  circula- 
tion of  the  blood.  And  the  world 
jaufffaed.  and  then  rebuked  hiin 
ana  finally— for  his  outrageous  non 
sense — punished  hitn  by  depriving 
him  of  his  practice. 
There  wm  one  JsKym^  who— having  apeculatcd  upon  the  liaud?  of 
certain  dair^-m&idi.  Ihconsed  upon  vaccmo  vims — and  declared  that 
in  the  cow'hc  haa  found  a  rcnicdv  for  sniall-|)ox.  And  the  world 
ahoutcd ;  and  the  Wtt««  were  especially  drull— forelclliug.  in  Iheir  excess 
of  witty  fancies,  the  growth  of  cow's  horns  from  the  heads  of  vaccinated 
babies. 

When  it  was  declared  that  our  streets  should  be  lUumuuitea  by 
ignite^i  coal  pas — the  gas  to  flow  under  our  feet— the  world  laughed : 
and  then,  checked  in  its  merriment,  stoutly  maintained  that  some  night 
l#ondoa,  from  cud  to  end,  would  be  blown  up.  WufSOli — the  gas-man 
— WHS  only  a  more  tremendous  CJiiY  Fiwkes. 

When  the  experimental  stejuu-boat  was  first  essayed  at  BUckwall, 
and  went  stem  foremo.st,  the  river  rang  with  laughter.  There  never 
was  such  a  valeriuan's  holiday. 

When  STEpnENSox  was  ejuaiined  by  the  FarliamentAf}-  sages  upon  a 
nilway  project  by  which  desperate  people  were  to  travel  at  the  n\lc  of, 
aye.  liftcrn  miles  an  boor,  Ihc  QMorteriy  Heviete  Uughed  a  sardonic 


laugh,  askiiig,  with  killing  irony,  ^ 
of  a  gun,  as  tnivel  by  such  means  ? 


Would  not  men  as  soon  be  shot  out 


And  when,  last  week,  the  Peace  Congress  met  at  Frankfort,  did  not 
the  wise  ones  laugh  at  the  tankeriog  pacificators— the  simple  ones  in 
broad-brim  and  drab?  They  mrt  in  St.  Paul's  Church  (did  they  pay 
twopence?)  and  tiger  Haynau  lislcned  to  them,  and  was  not  there  and 
then  changed  to  a  Iamb ;  ttcitber  was  a  single  piece  of  cannon  turned^ 
by  the  eloquance  of  the  talkers^  into  hooey. 

The  wise  worU  has  laughed  *t  the  cirouUtion  of  the  blood— at  gas— 
at  steamboats— at  raiiwavs.  Why  should  not  the  world  enjoy  its  horse- 
ooUor  grin  at  the  prcacneiB  of  peace  P  Why  should  not  arbitration 
(until  an  aooeptcd  winoiple)  be  qidte  as  ridicidous  (imti]  triuuinhant) 
as  vaccination?  If  Tkksxr  was  a  qoaok,  why  should  not  the  dove— 
the  symbol  of  peace — be  pronounced  a  most  fabulous  goose? 

Meanwhile,  and  only  a  few  hours  after  the  departure  of  the  Peace 
Congress  from  FraidLfori.  England  and  France  are  tied  together  by  the 
electric  wire,  and  the  Ugntning  carries  messages  between  the  nations — 
the  natural  enemies!  An  dcetric  wire  from  Dover  to  Cnpe  Grisnez! 
Whht  a  line  of  comment  on  the  laughers ! 


Ohildiah  Cries. 


It  is  Tory  strange  that  the  cry  whicli  gives  the  most  offence  in  a 
Republic,  would  be  "  Five  la  SrpuLUque.  Yet  the  popularity  of  the 
President  of  a  llepublic  has  been  teMcd,  during  a  recent  trio,  by  the 
prevaieaoc,  or  absence,  of  thai  cry.  Louis-Napoleox  hiniM^lf  wuidd 
not  shake  bands  with  a  man,  because  he  slioulcd  it  in  his  eur.  \li& 
followers  actually  kicked  a  mttu  out  of  tbe  room  because  he  dared  to 
raise  that  re.pubUcan  cry  in  the  presence  of  their  republican  chief— and 
BO  00,  turottgh  iheatree,  balls,  fields,  reviews,  and  Prefectures.  France 
UUdy  has  bean  doing  nothing  but  cry.  cry,  cry,  from  morning  to  night, 
atKJ^  like  a  pet  chilo,  rather  too  muco  attention  has  been  paid  to  its 
Drying.  Wc cannot  btdp  thinking  that  a  nation  has  arrived  to  a  strange 
dbildiah  state  when  it  is  always  crying  i  and,  reall^r^  like  ft  oliild,  docs 
not  know  what  it  is  oryiag  for. 


Widow  W«slkoni*a  Feasion. 

Ttct  Qovcmment  Imu  recently  Added  £15  to  the  previous  £95  pension 
to  the  widow  of  the  man  who  first  brought  India  within  a  few  weeks  of 
England.  £35  and  ikam  £15 !  "l%e  quality  of  mercy  is  not  strained/' 
soys  SuAfsrsAikE.    The  quality  of  govomment  rcwanl  ii  not  stminM 

says  the  Minister,  tapping  his  red-box,   "it  is  not 

J }» 


» No.     ^. 

strained— it  is  filtered 


A  NOVELTY  IN  THE  MONTH  OF  SEPTEMBER 

Seh'KMBer  is  not  generally  the  month  of  novelties.  It  is  a  nionLk 
of  unbroken  London  dullness,  when  a  Singing  Moose  would  be  wel- 
comed with  the  delight  almost  of  a  Jxxny  Li.to.  M'e  were  astoniehedL 
thrrpforr,  at  being  tuld  of  a  noveHy  in  Regent  Street,  that  «■  mu* 
pri^in^  the  one  ur  two  loungers  that  are  still  left  in  town.  Scuedy 
oelicnng  this  rumour,  which  we  feared  was  too  good  to  be  trae.  we 
wended  our  way  to  that  hifjhly -deserted  locality,  editkig  in  our  miads 
tK>  choice  little  dinner,  winch  wc  determined  upon  having,  b/  «■;  of 
olalion,  At  Veket's,  in  case  we  should  be  disappointeaT 


We  reached  the  Cosmorama  Rooms,  aiiH  *  ^  '    '  t.  rfa 

And  a  novelty.     We  bounded  upstairs,  ami  Ajq  4 

wben  a  wild  African^fiourishing  a  spear  over  ...,  ..  '^"^  *^ 

our  ciubcmnce.     V^e  were  about  (0  leave  fJie  pisoe,  i 
and  mine  than  half-terrified,  when  a  black  lady,  atK^ 
CBT  Kkelet.  stalked  majestically  into  the  r 
'  r  on  her  head.    A  glance  at  her  dress,  whic! 
lm:ll•■ll^^■  buiTalo's  hide  Ornamented  with  large  onus  ii.un.  ii.uu 
to  reiiiiun.     Another  glance  at  her  cars  conviiicrd  us  we  had   rca 
covered  a  novelty — so  great  a  novelty,  mdeed,  thai  it  would  ma 
fortune  of  the  proprietor,  if  everj-body  bat  oarselves  had  not 
tunately  left  town. 

This  black  lady  carries  her  snuff-box  in  her  ears,  and  wipes  her  eyis 
with  an  e^-spoon.  Isn't  tliis  a  novelty?  and  yet  it  is  perfectly  tnat. 
The  snuff  is  put  into  a  tube  exactiv  Like  a  needle-case,  and  this  needle 
case,  no  broader  than  a  lady's  little  auger,  is  thrust  ttirough  tbe  fleshy  pvt 
of  her  car,  where  it  hangs  as  a  sort  of  ear-ring.  She  never  sneexcs,  out 
cries  profuselv,  collecting  her  tears  in  a  sort  of  bone  spoon,  which  she 
rubs  up  and  down  her  eyelids  for  the  purpose.  This  young  fadr  is  Tery 
iutereiiting,  notwithstanding  the  habit  she  has  contracted  of  taking 
snuff,  and  mieht  be  called  pretty,  if  it  were  not  for  her  hair,  which  sbe 
rubs  over  with  a  kind  of  red  oamt, — for  it  seems  that  red  nair  is  coa- 
sidered  in  South  Africa  very  Dcautiful,  and  is  all  the  fashion  with  the 
natives.  This  hair  hangs  in  little  red  worsted  curls,  and  docs  not  add. 
we  think,  to  the  lady's  beauty.  She  is  sixteen  vears  of  age — sweet 
sixteen— Wl  dances  with  bare  feet,  singing  as  sue  stamps  tbe  floor. 
We  arc  sorry  wc  caimot  say  much  cither  for  her  singing  or  bcr 
daiiciug. 

Her  ntisband  is  the  wild  African  gentleman  who  frightened  us  so  tnuch 
on  our  entrance.  He  comes  from  the  Cape,  and  has  brought  a  verv 
peculiar  one  with  him.  in  the  shape  of  foxes'  tails,  which  hAng  rauna 
Lis  neck  like  so  many  ladies'  oast-on  boas,  not  twg  of  the  same  Lcngtli. 
and  give  him  tbe  appearance  of  the  most  eccentric  fur-reigner  wc  ever 
saw.  He  is  very  good-natured,  and  wears  large  brass  bed-curtain  rings 
on  l)oth  his  nrtked  anns. 

liis  grent  pride,  however,  is  his  hair.  Hoir-dressuurat  the  Caor  tmuA 
be  a  profitable  business^  for  everv  native  seems  to  devote  t  ^ 

nothing  else.  We  never  saw  sucli  hair.  It  is  worked  aiiu 
and  beeswaxed  up  mo.it  eliiborately  into  a  perfect  bowl  on  the  i>tu  ul  tus 
head— and  you  imagine  thnt  it  must  have  been  arranged  to  cat»  bttUs, 
such  as  you  see  conjurors  do  in  the  street.  It  must  be  very  inron- 
venieut  m  rainy  weather,  for  tbe  bowl  must  get  full  of  water,  iind  the 
Zuloo  (for  he  comes  from  that  **  hair"  tribe)  must  stand  on  his  head,  if 
he  wishes  to  empty  it. 

There  is  another  native,  siiU  more  good-natured  tlioii  the  other  two. 
He  wears  a  regal  mantle  of  Kangaroo ■^kill?s  ;»ad  carries  a  bundle  of 
spears  in  his  hand,  as  a  beadle  cames  his  &ta(T.  He  is  very  good  looking. 
has  a  faultless  figure,  worthy-  of  a  cop^MT  Atwllo.  but  we  nrr  .v>JiMrn.44 
to  say,  he  paints — and  the  pamtiuf  is  not  done  with  a  very  ar 
either,  for  it  \a  smeared  all  over  his  nose,  his  eyebrows,  and  la- 
in a  style  that  does  not  say  much  for  the  delicacy  of  his  t<jucli.  The 
colour,  loo,  which  is  used,  is  a  vulgar  brick -du^t,  and  the  effrct  of  Cftrrots 
on  the  top  of  chocolate  (for  such  is  the  colour  of  his  completion)  is  not 
very  charming.  His  hair  is  Ukc^vise  discoloured  by  thi?*  ancnovy-ootonred 
tincture.  We  are  told  that  he  lived  "  in  the  bu?h."  We  are  surt^  theo, 
from  the  colour  he  has  brought  away  all  over  hm^  thai  it  ntust  have 
been  a  redourrant  bush.    No  Republican  can  be  more  Ihuft  than  he  is. 

The  exhibition,  however,  is  a  most  interesting  one.  You  ore  broufht 
in  contact,  band -in -hand,  with  these  simple- hci&rted  natives,  ood  tnqjr 
laugh  with  you  in  tJic  most  familiar  maimer,  without  waiting  for  the 
absurd  formidity  of  an  intruduolion.  Vuu  utiiy  )nill  Uwm  about  uycMt 
like — they  only  prin,  and  show  their  beauUfuJ  white  ivelii.  Tneir 
Iractability  is  most  wonderful,  for  thev  obey  the  proprietor  in  the  xiiMt 
willing,  loving  manner,  when  they  niignt  transfix  him  in  a  moment  with 
oneof  their  spears,  if  they  chose. 

iUtogether  we  have  not  seen  so  great  a  noveltv  for  a  long  lime — and 
it  is  extroordinarv  how  it  can  have  come  to  lignl  in  this  dark,  emptv, 
month  of  Septcmoer.  Out  of  sympathy  with  tiiose  poor  uofortuaM 
creatures,  wfao  are  detained  in  town  like  ourselves,  wc  publish  ilie  Am% 
and  advise  tlicm  to  pass  a  dreary  hour  in  tuuirliiug  with  the  haadsoiM 
Kaffir,  and  taking  snuff  with  the  good-natured  Xuioo,  and  hn 
Aioapooda-ry  wife^  who  ore  at  insrat  lodging  on  a  fiisl-flooar  ia 
Hegmt  Street. 


iMiiaiiii^Bi 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABL 


TO  PEBSONS  ABOUT  TO  MARRY. 


N   the    preient    oocaaton, 

Mr.  Punch  offers  liis  feli- 
ciUting  complimcuts, — 

Mr.  Punch  feeliriz  that 
the  interests  of  the  bb'ssful 
rite  of  nmrriaso  are  best 
honoured  and  advanced 
by  a  seriouii  nnd  faithful 
report  thereof,  be^  to 
infonn  the  nuptial  world 
that  mftrriiiffes— Iwhen  the 
brcakfiutts  are  i>ati»factorily 
splendid,  and  the  cakes 
sufficiently  tasteful)  —  arc 
punctually  attended. 

Mr.  Punch  ia  induced  to 
offer  himsolf.  and  to  throv 
open  his  jouniAl,  to  wed- 
ding-parties (of  the  highest 
cottsidcration)  from  a  sense 
of  impatience  and  dissatiR- 
faction  at  ttie  nianiirr  in 
which  the  most  important 
moment  of  human  Ule  is  too 
frequently  dismisaed  by  the 
unreflectuu;  and  incapable. 
Young  ladies  arc  really 
thrown  away  at  the  altar ; 
when,  9lth  a  Little  judi- 
cious treatment,  they  mi^ht 
be  made  a  moat  attractive 
feature  in  the  public  newspapers.  Now,  it  is  (he  purpose  of  Mr.  Punch,  either  to 
attend  himijclf,  or  to  ^ve  the  ueceasary  credentials  to  one  of  his  young  geattemen, 
who,  capable  of  treating  the  ceremony  like  an  artist,  shall  take  care  that  brides, 
like  flowere,  do  not  bloom  to  blush  unseen ;  who  shall  wander  from  bouquet  to 
bouquet  of  the  bridesmaids,  like  a  honey-bee,  and  who  shall  be  further  warranted  to 
carry  away  in  his  eye  every  bonnet,  cap,  gown,  jacket,  visite,  victorinc,  &c.,  &c.,  of 
the  party. 

It  will  be  the  object  of  Mr  PhhcH  to  make  the  weddings  of  private  families  public 
to  the  meanest  capacity:  and  thereby  carry  out  to  the  fullest  a  principle  but  poorly 
attempted  by  certain  Brighton  contemporaries.  Mr,  Punch  subjoins  a  skeleton 
specimen. 

THB  ABODE  OF  TOE  DBIDE. 

The  morning  sun  glows  on  the  climbing  roses.  The  skvlark,  poisfd  immediately 
over  the  chimney,  throws  a  gush  of  notes  down  the  fireplace.  The  hearth,  where 
the  infoot  feet  of  the  bnde,  &c.,  &c.    And  still  the  krk  amgs,  tira-lira,  tira-lira,  &Q. 

THE  GATUEtUKO  Or  THE  NEIUUBOUBJIOOO. 

The  meadowa  are  dotted  with  all  oUsses  of  persons,  mostly  women.  The  dots 
become  lines — still  women,  llic  church-yard  becomes  crowded — and  overflows,  prin- 
cipcdly  with  women. 

INTERIOR  OF  THE   CirURCH. 

Not  les.*i  than  a  hundred  and  fifty  new  bonnets — white,  the  prevailing  colour. 
Scliool-chililrcii  anxious  and  mottled  m  the  gallery.  Silence  is  so  profoundthat  the 
watch  of  the  clerk  is  heard  convulsively  1  icking.  Moment  of  intense  excitement.  The 
Cburch-door  opens.  It  is  the  Bride  I  No — tlie  Beadle.  Has  on  a  new  pair  of  shoes 
that  creak  despite  of  the  aisle. 

cosisiDeaaJBLE  sensation,    the  b&ipegroom  a^id  iirs  brother. 
The  bridegroom  wears  the  mustachios  of  the  Koyal  Sanguinary  Buffs,  and  the 
jingling  of  his  spurs  brings  the  colour  to  more  ihan  one  fair  cheek.    It  is  remarked 
*liat  Ihe  bridegroom  hu  brmht  buttons  on  his  coat-,  and  his  brother,  vindicating 
kis  fraternity  on  so  interesting  an  occaaiuu,  aUa  hai  hts  buKon*  bright  f 

THE    BaiDESUAIDS  ! 

The  fourteen  bridesmaids  (the  Misses  Etcetera)  descend  upon  the  church  floor, 
thereby  disproving  the  old  poetic  error  that  Birds  of  Paradise  do  ntA  touch  the 
ground.  Thev  are  all  drcst  in  rainbow  polkas,  with  apple-blossom  skirts  of  the  Garden 
of  Kden,  and  it  is  further  remarked  by  the  casual  spectator,  that  eacJi  of  them  has 
in  the  words  of  the  lamented  Bayley,  "  Grace  m  her  steps,  heaven  in  her  eye,  and 
in  every  gesture  dignity  and  love." 

aarival  of  tub  bride  ! 
The  Bride  appears,  and  the  organist  in  tho  loft  is  about  to  play  Qi)d  save  (he 
Quetn^  he  is  so  struck  with  the  wonderfal  likeness  of  the  interesting  >£aii«^  to  Her 
MoaT  Gracious  Majesty;  the  bride  being  a  sparkling  brunette.  She  isdroatin 
a  mist  of  orient  silver,  flounced  with  aphrodite  lace.  She  wears  the  vdl  of  the 
morning,  and  is  crowned  with  the  apples  of  the  Hespcrides. 


IL 


TOE  OROOF. 

Looking  at  the  gorgeoiu  group  of  disdngoisbed  friends  that  idom  tkia  eventful 


moment,  we  reioice  to  observe  the  noble  {here  partm  tP*U 

of  course  nppljf  (he  proper  names)  and  the  excellent , 

and  the  gallant ,  and  the  mucb-rcspected ,4c.,  Ac, 

TITE   CEREXONT. 

The  bride,  whose  colour  comes  and  goes,  but  stops  when 
the  ceremony  is  completed,  behaves  with  a  fortitude  that 
must,  could  it  be  possible,  still  further  endear  her  to  her 
now  gallant  lord.  The  ceremony  is  performed  by  Doctor 
Ttk,  assisted  by  the  Rev.  Ma.  Kkott,  and  we  were  dc- 
lighted  to  hear  tliat  a  relay  of  three  more  clnvymen  waa 
ready  at  a  minute's  summons,  had  such  assisuinoe  been 
deemed  neccsaao'. 

EORE&S  FROU  TIU  CUURCIT, 

The  bride  is  led  radiant  from  the  altar,  when  the  spec- 
tators can  no  longer  control  their  natural  anxiety,  but  mob 
the  happy  |^ ;  bidding  defiance-!  to  the  efforts  of  the 
blooming  bridesmaids  to  rejoin  their  beauteous  charge, 
At  the  hour  we  go  to  press,  three  bridesmaids  are  missing; 
which  fact  will,wc  trust,  illustrate  the  quietude  and  decorum 
with  which  fashionable  marriages  are  at  present  acted 
before  Ubr  Majesty's  subjecta. 

Tins  WEDDINd   CAKE 

la  carved  with  the  sabre  of  F.M.  the  DctE  or  Welliko- 
TON ;  the  Duke  himself  not  being  able  to  give  the  bride 
nwa}'. 


THE  HOMCEOPATHIC  SYSTEM  OF  REWARDS. 

A  KNinHTHooD  has  been  offered  to  Mr.  STEPHTOMor, 
and  the  honour  courteously  declined.  We  have  a  aiaguUr 
scale  of  rewards  in  England.  Lord  Mayors  are  made 
baronets  by  tho  dozen.  Generals,  who  carry  off  victories  in 
India,  are  made  lords  and  marquesses.  A  peerage  is  given 
to  a  banker,  from  the  overpowering  merit  which  a  nuUion 
sterling  was  supposed  to  confer  ujwn  him.  And  yet  to  an 
Kugiuccr,  who  occupies  the  first  rank  in  his  noble  profes- 
sion in  England,  jierhaps  in  the  world;  to  a  man  who  has 
fought  with  Karth,  Air,  and  Water,  and  left  a  beautiful 
work  upon  each  as  a  monument  of  his  victory,  to  one 
who  has  enriched  his  countnr  witli  gifts  of  genius,  such 
as  tlie  Tubuhu*  Bridge,  the  High  Level  Bridge,  and  the 
Border  Bridge ;  the  offer  of  a  Kniglilhood  is  made  I  If  Mr. 
Stefurnson  had  been  a  tuUow-cuandler,  and  had  had  the 
honour  of  opening  the  Temple  Bar  to  Ilm  Majksty  during 
one  of  her  visits  to  the  city ;  if  he  had  Iweu  a  Lord  Mayor, 
and  had  eaten  a  public  diimer  with  PuiNcii  Albert  :  if  he 
had  been  the  Aitache  for  years  to  some  Uanwar-Yard  of 
a  German  Principality,  or  tlic  Complete  Letter-Writer  of 
some  grateful  minister,  a  smaller  compliment  could  not  have 
been  jMud  to  him  !  We  are  glad  that  he  sent  back  the 
insultmg  offer,  for  we  should  have  considered  it  a  national 
disgrace,  and  have  grieved  for  it  u  a  national  sorrow,  if 
R  man,  like  Mr.  Stephenson,  whose  works,  from  their 
magnitnde  and  noble  grandeur,  are  looked  up  to  all  over 
the  world,  should  have  done  anything  petty  and  mean  to 
have  caused  their  author,  and  tlic  science  he  nonours,  to  be 
looked  down  upon ! 


Brttmmia  ruling  the  Wavea. 

This  extraordinary  fcnt  may  bo  witnes.ied  any  day  by 
repairing  to  cither  of  the  Telegraph  offices  at  Dover  or 
Cuais,  when  the  whole  process  of  ruling  will  be  nhown  to 
the  stranger.  At  present  Britannia  omy  rules  *he  waves 
with  onelinc — but  iu  a  short  time  it  is  expected  she  will 
become  so  perfect  as  to  rule  it  with  twenty  or  thirty  lines, 
In  fact,  it  IS  considered  that  the  ocean  eventually  will  be 
notiiing  but  an  immense  copy-book,  which  Biutannia  will 
be  continually  ruling,  the  better  to  enable  historians  to 
write  her  proud  acduevcments  upon  it  as  well  as  assist  her 
in  corresponding  with  other  nations  in  all  the  gentle  terms 
of  peace  and  good-fellowship.  May  Science,  as  in  this 
instance,  always  guide  Britakkia's  hand  in  ruling  the 


waves 


a  "perfect"  JOB.B. 

"  What  is  the  reason  of  a  blow  leaving  a  blue  mark  after 
it?"  asked  an  inquiring  young  gentleman. 

"  It 's  easily  accounted  for,'  an&wercd  a  medical  student, 
who  was  reading  BeU's  Life;  "for  you  know  that  BUtui 
in  the  perfect  makes  Btewr 


Vol..  XIX.-18r.o. 


^<i,  «Of>*. 


114 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


HAYNAU'S  TASTE  OF  BAHCLAY  AND  PERKINS'S  ENTIRE. 

hr  this  tiooe  the  reader  is 
aware  of  the  brevinff 
extraordinaiT  which  took . 
place  the  other  day  at 
BxBCJL\  T  AND  Perkins's 
—the  storm  brewed  at 
that  establishment  by 
General  Hatnau. 

Hatsau,  in  the  public  i 
eye,  stands  branded  with 
dccd^  of  the  basesr  atro- 
city— the  merciless  han^- 
ing  of  brave  men,  and 
the  dastardly  flo^iriii^  of 
noble  women.  lie  i^  a 
slandered  raan,of  course. 
TCo  demon,  even,  but  the 
meanest  as  well  as  most 
malignant  in  devildom. 
would  have  perpetrated 
cruelties  so  execrable , 
and  infamous.  This  gal- 
lant officer  and  amiable 
gentleman  goes  aVjut.  the  object  of  universal  hatred,  through  (doubtless)  a  mere  deception, 
which  has  been  unarcountably  practised  on  the  iiew^pfti>crs,  and  disseminated  by  their  means. 

"With  his  dcle^tai)le  character  pinned  to  his  back— albeit  bold  as  brass  in  conscious  innocence 
—did  B^RON  Haynau,  hccordinf?  to  the  7iAff*and  other  journals — go  on  Wednesday  last  week 
to  visit  Barclay  un J  Perki.vs's  brewer)'.  Am:cd  wiih  the  breastplate  of  an  untainted  heart, 
be  wrote  his  name— little  thinkinj;  what  a  name  it  was— in  the  visitors'  book.  The  pen  mi&^ht 
as  well  have  been  a  lighted  match,  aud  the  pa^e  a  train  leading  to  a  powder-barrel.  Mhat 
was  the  consequence  ?    "  His  presence,"  says  the  2'imes — 

"  IWcsnifl  knnvn  all  OTcr  ths  bntwerT  fn  lest  than  two  Dilnutea.  and  befora  the  gcnml  and  hU  enmpanloni 
bad  enaaed  the  yani,  tMsarlyall  lli«  laUmn-ri  and  draTmen  wen  ''Ut  with  brooinv  and  dirt,  slioutinK  out,  '  Doirn  wUh 
111*  Auatrian  IttitrheT,'  anil  ott.cr  cyll'  fcli  of  rat)i*rr  an  aUiTnftig  uaiiire  to  the  fcrneral.  Ma  vai  anon  cnr^red  with 
dirl,  and  pera-tvlriK  M<ni«!  oftlic  men  abc<ut  to  attack  him,  run  Into  t]f  atrrct  to  Uaak-iide,  rollowed  by  a  larxe  ntoK 
flMinlailng  nf  ilie  breaer a  men,  cr«l-lieaTeri,  and  othi-m,  armed  with  all  loru  of  wcapcua,  a  itli  which  tlwy  bclabound 
llic  general." 

The  Baron  fondly  imagined  himself  a  simple  lion :  and  had  no  idea  that  he  would  be  received 
as  a  Tiger— tlic  beast  with  which  he  is  cohfoundcu  by  a  vukar  error.  But  had  he  really  been 
tlie  unmanly  iniscreaiit  he  was  mistaken  for,  how  poetically  beautiful  would  have  been  the 
termination  of  his  adventure  !^ 

**  He  ran  in  a  nrautle  manner  — " 

Frantically  as  a  women-whipper  miglit  be  expected  to  run  :— 

"  He  ran  In  s  frantic  manner  alnnir  Bankslde,  until  he  came  to  the  George  pubUo-hoiUM^  whep,  forcing  the  doors 
open,  he  niiilicd  in  and  pnicwdrd  upstairs  into  one  of  the  brd-rouDs,  to  the  utter  astoniahment  of  Mas.  Butrixui,  the 
landlady,  who  soon  dUcivrnyl  hlii  name,  aiid  the  reason  nf  his  enterhifr  her  hnuse.  The  ftuinns  mob  rushed  In  after 
bim,  tlireatrniiif  to  du  fur  the  '  AuHirtan  butcher,'  hut  fortunately  for  him  the  iHNise  is  veiy  old  fisshioned,  and  eontafiu 
a  vast  number  of  duurs,  which  were  all  forced  c/pcn,  except  that  of  the  room  in  which  the  General  was  concealed." 

If—only  if,  mind— Baron  Haynau  wore  indeed  the  Hay>ac  of  the  journals— how  delicious 
to  behold  flie  bruvo  CicncTal  that  whipped  the  fair  sex.  tukiug  shelter  from  chastisement  beneath 
a  woman's  pettictjat !  VVhat  a  sight  for  the  sliadc  of  Battiiyasi  to  see  him  lie  there,  "  covered 
with  dirt,"  but  more  thickly  bedaubed  with  ignominy! 

Happily  the  injured  iimocent  escaped  with  his  life.  The  police  came  timeously  to  the  rescue, 
and — as  above,  bcc  the  'Jiotes : — 

"  A  pnllee  Kalli-y  was  at  thn  wharf  at  the  time,  Into  which  he  was  taken  and  rowed  towards  Bumerset  Uooae, 
amidst  tlie  shoiiiii  ami  vxircrsllonii  of  tlw  mob." 

The  Mornhg  Posi  states  tliat 

"  He  WA1  (vinveyod  over  th<:  water  In  a  most  deplorable  state,  the  cluthes  haring  been  actually  torn  off  his  back, 
bctililcs  sevvrul  very  severe  bl'jws  ImtIuj;  been  Inflicted  on  lilm.*' 

Every  rightly  fcelinsr  mind  must  condole  with  General  Hayxau  on  the  treatment  which  he 
haa  cxiicrieiiccd  from  being  so  very  unmcritcdly  regarded  as  a  diabolical  savage  and  a  disgrace  to 
human  nature. 

MtsfcKS.  Barclay  and  Pf.ekiss,  it  is  stated,  have  been  invest iMiing  the  matter,  with  a  view 
to  discover  tlie  riu;;laulers  in  the  attack  on  the  gallant  General — who  was  misunderstood  to 
have  hanged  heroes  and  iloRgcd  ladies.  Even  hud  there  been  no  misunderstanding  in  the  case, 
the  conduct  of  the  dra>nieu  would  certainly  have  been  illegal.  Nor  would  it  have  been  exactly 
justifiable  morally ;  for,  as  we  all  know,  it  is  n  dut^'  not  to  let  our  blood  boil  over  under  any 

firovocatiiiu,  and  we  ought  to  presene  a  philosnnlneal  calmness  even  in  the  presence  of  HEaon 
resh  from  the  slaughter  of  the  Innocents,  or  of  Nkho  red-handed  from  his  mother's  murder. 

Here's  to  your  speedy  amendment,  Bahon  IIaynau!  and  lest  new  acquaintance  should  be 
forgot,  perhaps  you  will  pledge  us  in  Barclay,  Perkins  and  Co.*s  Entire. 


HEALTH  OF  THE  HIGH  COURT  OF 

PARLIAMENT. 

There  is  not  a  reproach  to  the  Govern- 
ment and  the  Legislature  more  scandalous 
than  their  neglect  of  the  medical  profession. 
Among  the  otEcers,  whetlicr  of  the  Lords 
or  the  Commons,  there  is  neither  phyaiciaa 
nnr  surgeon;  a  fact,  which  shows  how  little 
either  of  ihe  Houses  of  Parliament  care  for 
the  Constitution.  These  remarks  are  sue- 
gestcd  by  a  return  lately  published  of  the  sit- 
tings of  the  House  of  Commons  during  ifae 
last  session.  The  number  of  dsfs  on  which 
the  House  sur,  was  139  altogether,  and  in 
July  amounted  to  as  many  as  S3  ;  the  sit- 
tings, on  the  whole,  occup/in;  1,1(H  hours. 
H  minutes ;  and  averaging  8  hours,  33 
minutes,  aud  35  seconds  a  day:  now,  of 
course,  all  this  sedentary  occupation  must  be 
iiiglJy  injurious.  Of  the  time  thus  spent,  no 
less  than  lOS  hours  and  a  quarter  were  after 
midni^fit :  and  the  i^cruicious  effect  of  keeping 
surb  [ate  hours  must  he  obnoua.^  Sedentarr 
habits,  il  is  well  known^  are  particularly  pro- 
ductive of  liver  complaiDts  and  indigestion; 
and  nothii^  is  more  likely  than  that  such 
votes  as  the  Sabbatarian  isolation  are  come 
to  under  the  influence  of  bile,  and  that  bodily 
dys^iepsia— which  is  known  to  affect  the  mim 
—is  the  cause  of  ill-digested  measures. 

The  Comnious,  at  any  rate,  ought  to  have 
a  medical  otficer  to  regulate  the  habits  of 
the  House ;  to  feel  its  pulse  previously  to  its 
entering  on  exciting  questions,  and  to  ex- 
amine the  tongues  of  honourable  memben 
before  they  are  allowed  to  speak.  But  it  is 
not  probable  that  anv  such  wise  appointment 
will  be  made.  Even  if  Parliament  were  aroused 
to  anxiety  about  its  health,  it  would  never 
call  in  aregular  practitioner,  but  would  q(uack 
itself  with  the  patent  pillS|  and  other  poisons 
of  which  it  encourages  the  sale. 


Contracting  Bad  Habits. 


UsLEss  Tou  Wish  to  ctnitract  bad  habits,  wc  should  advise  yon  not  to  porchase  your  clothes  at 
a  clicap  tailor  s,  for,  as  the  cloth  is  invaruibly  bad,  aud  the  way  of  making  it  up  generally  too 
nnaU,  the  chances  are,  that  with  every  coat,  waistcoat,  or  pair  of  trousers  you  purchase,  you 
will  be  contracting  a  depIoraWc  bad  habit.  The  only  consoUition  is,  that  you  will  nave  no  diffi- 
culty in  breakmg  yourself  of  the  habit,  for  it  is  sure  to  break  of  its  own  accord. 


FIRST  APPEAKANCE  THIS   SEASON 
OF  THE  AMERICAN  SERPENT. 

The  American  Sea  Serpent  has  come  up 
again.  We  made  sure  he  would  as  soon  as 
Parliament  was  closed.  His  season  then 
begins.  He  commences  his  summer  circuit. 
This  year  he  has  been  favouring  Ireland 
with  a  round  of  his  favourite  chanu^tcrs.  In 
addition  to  his  former  representations,  he  has 
been  trving  a  number  of  feats  in  the  style  of 
the  celebrated  American  Jumper^ — with  this 
difference,  thai  he  has  been  jumping  op  to  a 
certain  height,  instead  of  from  one.  One 
correspondent  informs  us  that  the  Serpent^ 
when  nred  at,  leapt  up  in  the  air  40  fathoms. 
This  extraordinary  feat  appears  to  us  so  in- 
credible, so  profoundly  mysterious,  that  with 
all  our  faith,  knowing  that  the  statement  is 
made  by  an  Irish  correspondent^  we  carmot 
fathom  it.  But  the  Serpent's  tnp  to  Ireland 
seems  curious.  We  thought  that  St.  Patrick 
drove  all  the  reptiles  and  serpents  so  effec- 
tually from  Ireland,  that  they  were  never  to 
return  to  it.  Perhaps  the  American  Serpent 
has  heard  of  the  Irishman's  lore  of  the  mai- 
vellous,  and  has  paid  him  a  visit  purposely, 
in  order  to  see  how  he  can  enlarge  upon  his 
dimensions.  Nothing  will  be  too  wonderful 
for  the  American  Sea  Serpent  in  the  hands 
of  "  our  Irish  Correspondent,"  and  we  hare 
no  doubt  it  ivill  last  him  lon^  enough  to 
run  through  the  winter  tiU  Parbament  opens 
again. 


PUXCU'S    ADVICB  TO    GeVEBAL    HaYKAU, 

—Share,  and  change  your  name. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


115 


PUNCH'S    ROYAL    PROGRESSES. 


THE  PROGRESS  TO  THE  NORTH. 

B^i»g  a  UiUffrom  BiLL  J0NE8,  Stoktf^  Norik  ff'tahrn  Line^  io  JtM. 

BniLE,  Es-jimian,  Eiutfnt  CbuttUe*  JjMe,  m  aifiJtt. 

Dear  Jem — TIus  oomca  honing  you've  bJowoU  oflT your  qunrrel 
Willi  \nnr  ^ut'iiaj-^,  u!ippfi\v,  d  yp  sf.  Iianp'*  h  motnl; 


You,  pi  1 ' 

if  you'd  not 

Bern  a: 

was  hot. 

ur  oy(B. 

Ofilie 

likewise. 

AndaK 

Set  oft'  U.;   1 

Mr'CoNNKL 

, 

Ai,.!  I  IV..  ,-] 

■.  .  ,    J  i,^  ,     iw .....L     ....•,.    ..•    i  . 

M 

1  [iroutj,  as  1  'andlcd  mv  poker  ? 

It 

■j-n  -'tikint  no  fault  0*  the  stoker! 

lor  1  lei;  ur. 

'00  bifl!  for  my  station, 
;e  'caa  of  the  nation  ! 

'to  think  Iv 

Vftlln-  '     ■ 

ri,  the  QiEtN  she  coined  down. 

But  bl( 

'I  no  robe.H,  and  no  crown— 

But  lot' 

•...11  VI  set-  in  tlic  street, 

Wichtl 

1  ihe  re*t  of  the  sweet; 

lint  }.' 

l)'^l'p{i's  n  twtttr, 

A'. 

i.  "  tim'iuu, 

IliK-.: 

,  iMfiura?  " 

8uintlj 

s  and  liifi  brothers 

A«d  Bisf 

Oir  wc  (IOCS  ! 

'U6  uul  of  the  windorv. 

Aud,  Lord,  (I 

,  .Icrs. 

Tbougli  I  M} 

.  t!)cro  ue  er  wa»  &  hingine 

Bcliaved  hcr^ 

oe  it  wft8  swinfrein'; 

Soon  we  sigliic^ 

,..    .,  ....^.,uii  Station,  and  m  it 

There  they'd  hineh— wieh  we  broke  through  tlie  Wolvcrton  rule, 

And  Actilly  took  time  for  the  soup  to  get  oool  1 

Wieh,  as  all  will  admit  u  has  stoppcathere  to  dine, 

Wu  the  Joyolest  tliiu^  could  be  tioiic  on  the  line. 

\Voll — wo  started  a^n,  and  was  bilin*  u  1)qcc, 

Wlicn  u  l.'it  fihuuld  I  BCt  just  outside  0'  the  jjlace. 

P'l  nnd  tlie  girls  out  o'  Wolvcrton  beliool, 

X>!  the  lire.  Jtv,  ks  btiiughl  us  a  rulo; 

1  1  'J  to  sec,  'mong&t  Iho-reat  on  'em, 

Jfl^  iH  the  beat  oa  ^Btn. 

I  li'iii  I  turuii  Ml"  tv»  '  '-^  b''^t  a  wcrr)'  i^ood  sight  on  'ejn, 

Nor  they  one  0'  her — but  stdl.  Jem,  it  wcr  rijiht  on  'em: 

Twas  the  sanic  all  aloug  0'  ihc  line,  dash  my  buttins! 

A  top  o'  the  bridges,  and  over  the  cutttns. 

Each  side  of  cmbnnkraentA.  and  round  about  atAUoua, 

It  was  people  in  heaps — all  a'wailiu  with  patience. 

And  boonkui'  like,  mad,  as  we  slapped  past  in  style — 

For  we  did  it  all  through,  Jem.  a  minute  a  mile, 

Wich  ainH  a  bad  pace,  if  you  t&ke  in  the  stopping ; 

Wich  so  sure  aa  we  stopped  down  tbeni  Lord  Maroa  was  droppin 

With  their  maces  and  swords,  and  their  big  corporations. 

All  a  fizzin  and  hlowiu  off  con^atylatioos. 

Once,  I  thought  I'd  a'  lofTcd  tul  1  busted  inv  bilcr — 

We  'd  pulled  up  permiscus  to  water  and  lie  hex, 

When  down  comos  a  Man  aud  a  train  of  (.hc4u  ohlenncn 

G  don't  think  I  ever  see  flatter  or  balder  men) 

Well,  juat  then  I  wistlod,  aod  turiuHl  ou  the  bteam — 


Too  ought  to  a'  sean  'em,  90  broad  in  the  beam, 
How  they  scuttled  and  panted  alongside  the  tmio, 
A  tryin  to  sliove  their  address  through  the  pane. 
The  shorl-windcder  on  Vm,  they  soon  dropped  behind. 
But  the  Mare  he  kept  on  ttU  he  nm  isself  mind, 


His  address  in  the  winder  a  tryin  to  thrust — 
He  '11  be  a  long  lime  gctlin'  over  that  bust ! 
But  Marcs  aud  sueh  like  aiuH  no  guod  iu  our  day. 
It 's  Dire'        '■    '  M(iw  lias  it  all  their  own  uav'; 
It '»  thei:  Qi'tES  both  at  slarlin  and  sloppin*, 

With  relp.  upon  her  keeps  always  a  ponpin  , 

Has  the  honour  to  hand  the  young  Princesses  down. 
And  the  Prince,  wich  they  tell  me  is  hair  to  the  crown— 
In  short,  wen  you  cipher  it  up  you  '11  agree 
That  the  rail  is  the  ottt  thing  Hee  Majksty  see. 
Ony  locik  at  Newcastle,  now— vero  ras  the  town  ? 
from  the  High  Level  Bridge  on  the  Tyne  she  looked  down- 
She  never  saw  not  bin'  of  coal-pits  and  stuff, 
But  slie  diii  see  the  station — and  that  was  cnuff. 
As  a  stoker— you  see,  Jkm— I  'm  natrally  proud, 
VVe  orl  for  to  'old  un  our  heads  in  the  crowd ; 
For  mUwovs,  de])emi  on't,  is  wonderful  things, 
And  they  don't  care  a  Hg  if  it 's  Queens  or  it's  Kings 
That  thev  tosses  from  liCn^land's  one  end  to  the  other, 
In  (heir  long  iron  arms,  with  a  scream  and  a  smother ; 
And  I  cmdd  nt  but  think  though  I  he's  but  a  stoker, 
IVith  tlie  Queen  in  ttie  carriage,  aud  me  at  the  pokcTi 
How  with  royally  goiu'  at  this  sort  o*  pace, 
Old  loyalty  iinist,  somehow,  sliow  a  new  face; 
Vhen  Heh  MAjrj»Tr'a  CArriage,  thoii?h  fit  m,  in  style. 
Goes  by  just  the  same  road  as  the  per 
We  live  m  queer  times — **go  a<head  '   .  ream, 

And  the  one  lliin^'  we  wems  for  to  voljy  l^  sicttiu ; 
Wbieh  i-s  all  wcrry  well,  if  the  rails  l>e  well  laid, 
And  the  stoker  and  eufttncman  n;  •    "  '  ■-  ••--*■ 
But  let  a  tmin  loose  with  slroin 
That  the  foster  the  pace  it  *b  tLi' 
Sometimes,  Jem,  I  tliink  with  our  otimn'  and  slrivin* 
We  thinks  too  mueli  of  pace,  and  too  little  ofdrivin'. 
Howsumcvcr,  j-oi'll  say  that'h  i  there. 

And  uo  more  it  uiii't,  Jem— I  'm  — 

But  such  was  my  thoughts, &a  nt.>  ...    >.,  ,.._,>  i.i.vcl, 
'Mid  the  roar  of  a  fight,  and  the  ^lee  of  a  revel. 
We  steamed,  and  shut  off  at  Newcasilc-on-Tyne, 
From  wich  we  took  on  by  the  North  British  line, 
And  reached  Edinburgh  safe,  after  no  end  of  siieechcs, 
And  was  welcomed  by  folks,  some  of  wich  'ad  no  breeches — 
But  no  matter:  Hku  Majkstt  's  not  broke  no  bones, 
Wereby  for  the  same  she  may  thank  Yours,  Bill  Joirrs, 


Supture  between  England  and  France. 

Wb  regret  to  announce  a  rupture  between  England  and  France, 
which  occurred  last  week,  by  the  Submarine  Telegraph  suddenly  break- 
ing. All  fricndlv  communications  Ijetwecn  the  two  countries  were 
instantly  nispended,  and  though  it  was  evident  that  there  was  a  "screw 
loose  "  somewhere,  it  was  only  after  a  deal  of  fishing  and  sounding, 
tha*.  it  waa  discovered  that  the  rupture  was  owing  to  the  softness  of  one 
of  the  "  leaden  conductors."  This  is  not  the  first  time  that  a  "  lejiden 
conductor"  has,  by  his  softness,  created  a  distance  between  the  two 
eoiintries,  and  plunged  them  head  over  licels  in  difficulties.  Tlie  mis- 
chief, however,  was  soon  patched  up.  and  communications  from  Dover 
to  Calais  have  been  since  Torwarded  by  the  same  line  of  communication 
as  before.  We  onl  v  wish  that  all  ruptures  between  England  and  France 
were  as  easily  mended ! 


Tb«  Preaident*s  Hornpipe. 

TjOtjis  NAroiEoy  lias  outdone  the  doings  of  the  renowned  Baroh 
Nathan.  The  Baron — it  is  matter  of  undying  hi!*tnrv— dances  tiirough 
a  homoipe  in  a  circle  of  eggs,  and  thouuh  blindfolded,  never  toiirbea 
one  of  them.  I..OUIS  Nai'oleon  has  danced  through  his  progress, 
seeuig  no  further  before  him  than  thi>  Baron ;  and  ttiougU  he  has 
•baffled  through  at  least  fifty  speechn,  he  has  never  toochu^^Vft^'^^^'^ 
— Rapttblic 


llii 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  IX)i\DON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  NEW  CAB  REGULATION. 


"  Ma.  PcsOH, — I  kuows  the  proverb,  *  Give  a  dog  a  bad  name,  and 
^anghim/  and  cabmen  ai  a  bad  name,  but  am  T  nnt  a  man  and  a  brother, 
if  redooced  to  drive  a  cab,  and  don't  ort  to  be  made  a  black  slave  of,  aua 
drav  to  diatrackshun  by  the  noo  reg:}'lashuns  of  Hie  pelioe,  vich  one  on 
'em  t9  wile  a  cabman  is  on  viirk,  he  mussat  leve  ia  cab  not  ueitlicr  in 
chareo  of  the  waterman  or  in  cliarpe  of  anybodv  else,  or  he  will  find 
hiueu  in  char;!:o  of  a  crusher  and  nfore  ttie  beaK  in  no  time,  and  fined 
from  ten  to  twenty  shillin  with  costs,  ^violi  the  consokcncc  is  I  am  a 
cabman  and  avln  a  'ard  master  and  a  small  famly,  I  am  kep  at  wurk  to 
am  my  day's  munny  from  8  or  0  in  the  morom  often  till  2  or  3  noi 
taomin,  il  lucky  in  regard  of  cnves  to  or  from  Waxhall  and  other 
ffardingB,  wich  such  fares  pays  well  but  is  werrv  late,  well  all  this  here 
l7  ours  I  'tn  wnrkin  the  cab  and  ain't  to  be  allowed  to  Icvc  it  wcreby 
what  foUers?  I  am  obliged  to  'avo  my  wittles  on  mv  box  and  I  must 
bile  my  drop  o*  coffee  on  tbe  oold  nites  atop  o'  the  cab  and  'avc  myself 


shaved  on  the  same,  and  other  necessaries  of  life,  m  the  b^hs  of  tb« 
public,  wich  it  destroys  all  self  respeck  and  gits  one's  self  Uned  at,  and 
can't  60  mucli  a*  step  down  for  to  lite  one's  pipe  or  take  one's  pint  o* 
beer  sociable  at  the  counter  of  the  watrin  'ouse  but  evcrythink  on  the  boxl 
"Tork  o'  cruelty  to  h&nimaU  I  Show  the  cab-au  as  Is  u»ed  like  thii 
and  1  'U  pledfire  my  woracitv  as  a  oab-Ma»  you  cant  do  it  wich  I  did 
ttiink  our  persition  couldn't  be  wuss  off  since  the  joes  came  in  and  t^ 
busses  down  to  threepence,  but  it  seems  notbia  ain't  enuffbut  we  lauil 
be  made  prianers  for  life,  for  a  man  might  just  as  well  be  in  Brixton  or 
Colhath  nelds,  and  would  'av  mor  comfort  of  liis  life  than  at  present 
wich  1  beg  you  will  notice  the  abuv  but  do  not  giv  mv  ntunber,  wioh  I 
enclose  as  a  proof  I  'm  to  be  depended  on,  or  the  crushers  would  mark 
me  and  I  remane 

*'  Yours,  to  oonunand,  A  Cabkas. 


(not  an  'ansum  one). 


THE  MERMAID'S   LAST  NEW    SONG. 


Xhb  mariners  brave  tidings  bring 

That  I  hey  through  Dover's  Strait  who  steer, 

If,  of  an  understanding  ear, 
Thus  ofttiuies  liear  a  Mermaid  »ing 

When  the  blue  deep  is  calm  and  clear : 

"  A  wonder  have  I  seen  below, 

A  marvel  new  nud  strange  to  me 
Who  dwell  beneath  the  rolling  sea, 
Amid  the  wrecks  sunk  Long  ago ; 
The  wealth  of  Ocean's  Treaattty. 

"  There  runneth  an  enchanted  wire 

O'er  the  sea-bed,  from  shore  to  shore, 
Of  nations  that  were  foes  of  yor« ; 
Tbe  conduit  of  a  magio  fire, 

Lightning  beneath  the  waters'  roar. 

"  The  skulls  of  ancient  enemies 

Around  it  lying,  grimly  frown  , 
There,  where  the  slain  of  old  went  dowE, 
Through  wars  of  hoary  oeutuiies. 
In  many  an  action  of  renown. 


"  The  flash  amid  those  forma  of  Death 

Flits  quick  as  thought  from  land  to  land; 
No  hostile  bolt,  no  deadly  brand. 
Nay  :  but  a  soft  electric  breath 

Warm  like  the  grasp  of  friendly  hand. 

"  A  kindly  spirit  guides  its  aim, 

Benignant  scien^^c  bids  it  fly. 
Conveying  question  and  reply ; 
There  *s  langoage  in  that  social  flame, 
And  Franoe  and  England  talk  thereby. 

"'Mid  antiouc  arms,  old  gim,  and  sword, 
\niich  insects  of  the  sen  o'erUy, 
Of  those  long  fallen  in  savage  fny« 
The  bony  fingers  with  the  chord 

That  links  the  nations,  gently  phiy. 

"And  sea-sprites,  as  they  sport  along 

That  nerve  of  wir&  by  human  skill 
Between  two  peoples  made  to  thrill. 
Sing Joyouslv  the  Mermaid's  Song, 

To  England,  Peace !— to  IVance,  Qoodwill  1 ' 


» 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAMYAm. 


BABOLAY   AND  PERKIoS'S'S  BfiAYMEN. 

New  Veh-sio-v. 

Oekziul  there  vns  on  Ausbrui's  side, 

A  Baron  vho  ruth  did  Uck.  ituui, 
He  hiuijt'd  brave  soldiers,  ana— tan  his  hide ! 

He  wallopp'd  the  female  baek,  man. 
Whether  h**  ever  did  much  in  fight, 

I&  more  th.in  I  'm  ahic  to  say,  iran  ; 
But  I  know  thai  he  nearly  got  kiUed  outright. 

By  Barclay  and  Peuxins's  Draj-mcn. 

Our  Baron  bold,  who  whopp'd  the  fair. 
Of  hanging- who  had  the  knack,  man. 
Come  over  here  tu  Kuglaud,  where 
lie  could  have  no  ladies  to  wbaok,  man. 
For  fribbct  and  halter  iu  vaiu  he  si^b'd, 

At  han^nir  unable  to  phiy,  man. 
So  in  nuefit  of  uniujscmeut,  a  vi&it  ue  tried 
To  BikBCLAT  and  Peuluts's  DraymeA. 

The  British  DrajTnan's  blood  boils  high 

On  woman  a  whip  if  you  crack,  man; 
It  mukcs  bim  mad— the  reason  why — 

'Tis  the  act  of  a  dastard  bkck,  man. 
Accordingly  hb  fury  rose, 

When  the  Baron  came  in  his  way,  man. 
And  his  eves  flosh'd  fury  and  "  Butcher,  here  goes !  '* 

Swore  Baaclat  and  pLaxuis's  Dra>inen. 

The  Baron  waa  seized  with  blue  despair, 

And  hia  teeth  like  mill  did  clack,  man; 
Cries  he — "  Vcrc  ahall  I  ron  ?  ah  rere ! 

To  eagabe  vrom  deir  oddack.  man  P  " 
"Yna  blood-stain'd  thincr!  we  11  make  you  feel, 

Though  you  may  be  dead  to  &hame,  man ! " 
So,  though  in  language  less  genteel 

Cried  BABCLAt  and  Pehkins's  I>raymen. 

Sftvs  they,  *'  If  tndy  our  mind  we  tcUs, 

Vour  sKull  we  shoiUd  like  to  crack,  man : 
For  really  vour  name  so  nasty  smells — " 

And  so  tuey  went  at  him — smack !  man. 
You  can't  think  how  my  heart  it  paina 

To  have  such  tilings  to  say,  man ; 
They  pelted  the  Baron  with  mud  and  grains. 

Did  Baaclav  and  Pkrkiks's  Draymen. 

The  Baron  at  running  tried  a  match ; 

They  followed  him  in  a  pock,  man, 
Cryiny,"  Down  with  the  Butcher!"  and  "There  goesOldScratcii! 

Thut  scratched  the  lady's  back,  man ! " 
Thcv  tore  bis  clothes  and  they  puncVd  his  head, 

Until  he  look'd  uot  like  the  same  man. 
While  he.  like  a  hunted  hycpno,  fled 

From  Barclay  and  Perkins's  Draymen. 

With  frantic  speed  down-street  he  flew. 

With  the  mob  upon  his  track,  man. 
And  a  ginshop  door  he  darted  tnrougn. 

And  nid  in  a  two -pair-back,  man. 
"This  here  land,"  cries  the  crowd,  "is  free. 

We  'U  teach  you  the  ladies  to  flay,  man ; 
"  And  don't  show  your  face  here  no  more  among  we/' 

Says  Bakclay  and  Pkbxins's  Draymen. 

The  New  Police  came  just  in  time, 

(Tis  said  that  they  're  soTnetimes  alack,  man,) 
And  rescued  him  cover'd  with  bruises  ana  grime, 

And  carried  him  off  iu  their  smack,  man. 
With  rage  and  fear  he  did  ghire  and  grin, 

Says  tney — "  You  are  well  away,  mu :  " 
"And  don't  let  us  catch  you  here  agin," 

Says  Babclat  and  Peukihs's  Draymen. 


British  and  Fore^pi  Industry. 

Among  the  various  wonderful  thiius  we  shall  see  cxliibited  next  year 
■t  the  Great  Exhibition,  there  will  of  course  be  included  a  sufficiency  of 
specimen!)  of  a  ccrtuiu  clever  continental  inveulion,  contrived  for  the 
purpose  of  promoting  tliat  intcniational  cotnmuitioatjon  and  familiarity 
which  the  Eihihiiion  itself  is  meant  to  encourage.  Conspicuous  amicl 
the  maneb  of  foreign  ingenuity,  doubtless— duly  illuminated,  framed, 
and  gUuccd — will  be  a  numerous  variety  of  Passports.  JoUN  BuLl^  poor 
creature  has  nolhiug  of  the  kind  to  snow — but  then,  on  the  other  hand, 
he  has  tEio  Submarine  £Uoctric  Telegraph. 


THE  ORIGINAL  "INEFFABLE  FLUNKEY." 

Oh,  Lo\  ally,  Loyalty,  "  ou  diablc  vai  tu  ie  nicker  f" 

Art  tliou  totally  to  dcgcncmtp  into  oddre?w5  from  Mayors  and 
Coriwrfttions,  aud  bowing  Directors,  and  the  i&cITable  tiunkeydom  of  a 
Royal  Bail  way  Progress  r 

We  had  fancied  tnat  Englishmen  were  the  most  perfect  flunkeys  in 
the  world,  when  thcv  take  to  flunkeyism.  Is  there  anytlang  so  snobbish 
as  a  vuWar  Englishman's  worship  of  a  lord?  Is  there  ftoythiiut  so 
oniTersafas  the  spice  of  this  snobbishnciis  that  IcAvens  our  JoitN 
BcxusM  ? 

But  we  have  discovered  the  flunkey— he  lives  at  Edinburgh  and  writes 
to  The  Scotsman,  Wc  won't  mention  bis  name  ftir  fear  of  ruffling  his 
modesty,  or  flattering;  his  vanity,  for  ve  are  not  qnite  sure  what  effect 
such  mentioning  mitiht  luivc. 

The  fliirilcey  has  a/.^/W  the  Kovalpariy  \  He  has  been  successful  in 
his  waylayuij?  and  eavesdropping!  Ue  ran  innpon  lhera,as  they  started 
for  Arthur's  Seat ! 

He  reached  the  top  two  minutes  before  them !  He  a»w  the  Prince 
of  Wales  come  up!    He  actually  saw  his  "  kilt,  and  pouch,  ' 

velvet  jacket ! '*  He  beheld  him  (oh,  ecstasy!)  mount  the  1 1 
seise  the  flfl^-st&ff',  and  cry  out.  "  I  am  at  the  top  I  I'm  np  6rsi  \  >\n^i  nc 
had  the  felicity  of  catling  out,  "God  save  llie  Prince  of  Wales !"  and 
the  Prince  nodded  at  him  !  and  ho  looked  at  him  for  nearly  a  minute ! 
And  in  another  minute  he  saw  thcQcK£Ncomc,/''ajvifi^<»i  herhtultand^i 
arm/  And  she  was  "none  the  worse-,**  and  he  shouted  "God  save 
the  Queen!  Welcome  to  Artiivk's  Scat!"  And  the  Queen  saw 
him — the  inevitable  flunkey  at  her  side— the  flunkcytbm  that  had 
dogged  her  all  the  wav  from  Euston  Square,  was  here,  enilmdied  and 
intensified  in  this  Edinburgh  suob  of  snobs,  thrusting  itself  on  her 
privacy — watching  her  every  movemcnt^^irinking  iu  her  everv  word 
with  the  same  intensity  of  viug&r  relish  with  which  it  jostled  the  Nepau* 
le-se  Princes,  or  crushes  to  see  the  Hippopotamus,  and  with  as  much  of 
the  fine  flame  and  glow  of  loyaltv  for  its  Queen,  bless  its  idiotic  im- 
pudence, as  it  fee-Is  for  the  said  itinpopolamus. 

But  he  wasn't  satisfied  with  Uod  save  the  Ol'F.en  !"  He  nmst 
aj^n  cry  out,  "  God  save  Prikce  Albert  ! "  ana  lus  Highness  lifted 
his  hat  and  bowed  politely.  Then  they  walked  about  and  Snob  followed 
them,  and  eaves-dropped  and  reports  their  little  chit-chat.  And  th^n 
"they  enjoyed  themselves  for  a  quarter  of  on  hour  or  so"— the  Pbinci 
and  tnc  Queen,  and  the  PnniCE  Albert,  and  the  Snob,  and  by  this 
time  there  were  assembled  about  thirty  other  Snobs,  but  THE  SNOB 
still  was  paramount.  'There  was  no  Stob  so  pushing  as  The  Snob  ! 
He  assisted  in  luudiog  the  Prince  op  Walss  off  the  grass  to  the 
attendants,  and  he  shook  hands  with  him !  and  he  assisted  the  other 
little  Princes,  and  he  shook  hands  with  them  •  And  he  hopes  the  wortliy 
Provost  wont  think  him  intru.'sivc,  for  "he  believes  the  Royid  Party 
wouldn't  have  got  up  to  the  top  so  easy,  had  he  not  shown  then\  tite 
way."  and  he  is  "  happy  to  say,  not  another  visitor  intruded  on  the  top 
but  himself  and  one  eavesdropper — and  he  (eavesdropper)  only  remained 
one  minute,  but  he  (Snob)  remained  all  the  time !  and  be  thiiiks  be  did 
nothing  more  than  his  duty." 

Oh  Snub,  Snob,  triple  Snob !  Thou  hadst  some  misgiving«»  but 
fluiikcyism  was  too  strong  for  thee,  and  thou  couldst  not  sec  tlint  the 
Queen  and  the  Prince  are  a  lady  and  a  gentleman,  and  that  they  have 
a  right  to  their  privacy;  and  that  thou  nadsl  been  rightly  served  had 
some  one  been  oy  to  have  boxed  thy  long  ears  for  an  intrusive,  eave»* 
dropping,  under-bred  flimkey,  and  Snob-Royal  as  thou  »rt ! 


I 


"All   Soldiers  are  Gentlemen. 

TffE  Snglithman  {Indian  jjaper)  gives  a  letter  of  the  Commander-m- 
Chief,  in  which  Sir  Cuarles  Napier  writing  of  one  Sergeant  Kowe, 
lays  it  down  as  an  unquestionable  truth,  that  "  he  who  wears  an 
uniform  is  of  higher  rank  than  he  who  makes  it,"  1'hc  soldier  before 
the  taUor — the  eagles  of  war  before  the  geese  of  the  shop-board. 
Further,  says  Sir  Charles,  "all  soldiers  are  gentlemen,  andtailore  a» 
onlf  tailors."  Very  good.  Yet  the  self-same  file  of  Indian  papers 
detail  a  terrible  Uogj^ng  inflicted  upon  a  soldier  for  charging  his 
Colonel  with  cowardice.  All  soldiers  are  gentlemen!  Wherefore, 
then,  the  triangles  ?  How,  Ser  Ciiaiuj»,  can  a  soldier  be  a  gentleman 
when  made  cat  s-meatP 


Hob  and  Nob. 

"Havt  you  heard,"  asked  Hob,  "that  the  sea-serpent  Iws  appealed 
off  the  coast  of  Ireland,  and.  was  moreuver,  seen  to  scratcb  itself 
azaiust  certain  rocks  culled  the  Barrehi  ?  "  "  I  have  heard  it,"  answered 
NfoB.  "Have  you  further  heard,"  said  Hob,  "thot  the  sea-serjwnt 
lefl  some  of  its  scales  upon  the  rocks."  "1  hiive,"  said  Nnu;  "and  1 
have  discovered  why  the  sea-serpent  left  those  very  scales  behind  it." 
"Why?"  asked  Hob;  when,  quick  a»  the  c\cclric  wire,  ih«  wag  Nob 
replied,  "Seeing  its  appeara]i«e  has  been  dou^^^''*  "*•  B©ar«erBeai  WS* 
the  scales,  to  weigh  toe  evidence." 


I 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


» 


AS  WELL  BE  OUT  OF  THE  WOHLD  AS  OUT  OB  THE 
FASUION. 

Old  OmtUman  {who  i*  of  cnurtt  m%tch  hehind  hif  age),   '*  WkLl.,   RT 

UlTLK   DKiR,   AND    PRiY    WHAT   tllCA   LlTrLB  OIKL    ARK   YOtM '* 

LittU    Girl.     "  OUi     IP     YOU      PLKASII,    StR,     I  'h    A     PVSBTITK,   AND    »0  *« 

finsY  'Arris.    (Tq  Young  Lad^)  Ain't  wr,  Mrh  1 " 


PUNCH'S  RAILWAY  TRAVELLER. 

Evm  anxious  for  the  public  pood,  wc  have  quadrupled  the  salary  of 
one  of  our  contributors,  insured  his  life  in  cvprj*  office  in  London — aa 
well  as  in  the  Railway  Loss  of  Life  and  Accident  Company — for  the 
benefit  of  the  moat  inconsolable  of  widows,  and  we  have  purcliaficd  for 
him  a  lirst-closs  ticket  ou  every  line,  in  order  that  he  may  be  kept 
oonatantly  travelling,  with  a  view  to  the  exposition  of  K&ilwfiy 
grievances.  He  has  undertaken  tlie  task  with  a  thoroujih  apureciation 
of  what  he  may  have  to  encounter  in  tlie  shape  of  irregmlar  trains 
•running  against  each  other,  as  well  i»  what  he  may  liavc  to  go  through, 
in  the  way  of  brick  walls,  which  an  engiue  occasionally  ncrforutcs.  His 
purpose  is  to  travel  on  every  line,  and  make  himself  so  Jamiliar  with  the 
eccentricity  of  every  engine,  that,  like  ilamht  and  his  flute,  he  will  learn 
"evcrj*  slop  of  it."  He  intends  moving  with  all  classes— Erst,  second, 
and  third— as  well  as  that  lowest  class,  wliich  in  no  verv  complnnentary 
spirit  to  the  le^shiture  is  called  the  Parliamentary.  He  will  calLivate 
a  familiarity  wUh  every  station,  and  run  the  chance  of  getting  his  days 
brought  to  a  speedv  end,  by  going  lo  everr  terminus.  He  will  en- 
comber  himself  wiln  every  description  of  oaggage,  from  the  heavv 
trunk — only  fitted  for  the  larpe  truidc-lines — down  to  the  Hghest  tac  tCt 
nrnif  that  ever  templed  Ihc  liKht-fingered  fraternity  in  attendance  on 
arriving  and  departing  travelltTs. 

We  nave  supplied  him  with  dogs  by  the  pack,  horses  by  the  stud, 
and  carriaaea  of  every  kind,  so  that  he  may  familiarise  himself  with 
"all  the  ills  that  {travelling}  flesh  "—including  horse-flesh  and  dog-flesh 
— "is  heir  to."  Our  railway  traveller  will  start  upon  his  sclf-victi raisin r 
expedition  in  the  coarse  of  a  few  davs  ;  and  his  instnictious  are,  that 
directly  he  is  "troubled  with  a  liue, '  he  is  to  trouble  us  with  a  liuc 
infonninc  us  of  the  particulars. 

Any  ot  the  public  desirous  of  having  attention  called  to  any  railway 
grievance,  has  only  to  let  us  know  where  oxir  Contributor  is  likely  to 

Et  smashed  to  pieces,  maimed,  r.utiUted,  or  impeded  on  his  journey, — 
I  only  to  let  us  know,  and  wc  will  at  once  dispatch  our  railway 
timveller,  at  the  risk  of  his  getting  "  dispatched  "  ou  a  more  fearful 
scale  for  the  public  benefit. 


ORIOIM  OP  THE  TBRV   "  SHrP-SHAPB." 

The  terra  "  Ship-sliape  *'  was  first  used  by  tlie  sailors  of  the  mer- 
oaattle  marine  to  distingitish  soiling  vessels  frx»m  those  which  hod  been 
built  in  the  Oovenunent  dockyards. 


SABBATARIANS' 


LoBD  AflHLET  and  friends  arc  not  discomfited.  No:  they  will  have 
the  management  of  the  Engliahman's  Sunday — they  will  stop  liis  letters 

■     f  over-z^aloua 
bright  ooealutvo  put  forth  a  new  mauifestond  ^t-  convictiooi 

and  the  pockets  of  the  pure ;  summing  un  -i  ■^,  c«rapuls«T 

on  Sabbatarians,  urging  them  to  a  renewal  of  Itie  persecution.  And 
<tQe  of  these  is  the  relief  of  an  exceeding  large  class  of  persona, 

"  CoaiUUnff  anqueitloubly  or  handiwdi  of  thouMada,  vbo,  ftltboagb  moi  ^cmmmi  t 
Jtrmne»t  en^gh  to  rr/WM  lo  rfcriiw  or  optn  UtUr§  tm  Smda$M,  da  nvroithalc**  dMlnw  M 

tlkcir  nccot  potltlDiia  lui\'e  nhovn,  that  the  ouet  ud  bortiMH  at  Uw  nrtt  ■kwoM  m 
longer  be  foroed  npoa  Uhbi." 

Thus,  it  is  commiseration  for  the  wealcness  of  erring  flesh,  nnsticcett- 
fully  stn^gling  with  the  temptations  of  the  Sunday  post,  tluU  incitea 
Loud  Ashley  ami  partv  to  endeavour  to  put  the  himd?  Ihat  will  break 

scab  into  Sunday  stmiflit  waistcoats :  and  to  make  ^ '  -  ' =  ubstitute 

for  want«d  firmness.    Very  amiable  this  of  Lonn  A  i^. ;  bat 

why — in  their  active  benencenc© — slop  at  the  non-i^  ,  :  Sabbath 
letters !-  Whv  not,  in  all  social  and  domestic  cases,  stand  between  the 
tempted  and  tlie  tempter? 

Thousands  of  well-meaning  people  do  not  possess  sufficient  flnxnuss 
to  prevent  them  from  running  in  debt— why  does  not  LoRt>  Astuxi 
hcjw  a  society  for  tlie  putting  down  of  the  tally-man? 

Multitudes  of  the  well-meaning  cannot  resist  the  misery  and  deslmc- 
lion  of  inlennK' ranee— by  all  means  let  Lord  Asuley  find  means  to 
stand  between  the  dnink'ard  and  the  ^n-sbop. 

Apoin,  how  nuiny  improvident  unions  arc  conirncted  brcftoae  the 
parties  want  firmness  to  await  the  fitting  season  ?  Why  should  not  his 
Lordship  call  for  an  Act  prohibiting  marriage  imder  certain  adverse 
conditions  ?  If  a  substitute  for  moral  firmness  is  tfl  be  supplied  by  Act 
of  Parliament,  by  oU  means  begin  with  tlie  reckless,  the  dninkeu,  and 
the  improvident.  When  they  are  tied  over  by  statute  to  he  lUrifly, 
temperate,  and  prudent,  then  let  hisLordship-^in  the  dearth  of  all  other 
iniouity — shut  up  the  Sunday  post*  an  achievement  he  will  again 
realise  when  he  has  put  down  every  other  sociiil  evil  (which  a  Sunda) 
letter  is  not),  and  not  till  then.  For  his  Ijordship  will  never  jockey 
another  Derby  :  never  again  will  his  winning  post  be  the  Sundays- 


THE  SUB-MARINE  TELEGRAPH.    PROl'ECTION  FOR  THK 
ELECTRIC  EEL. 
"Sir. 

"  I  HATS  the  hoTiour  to  represent  a  numerous  claas  in  the 
domain  of  Ichthyology,  inclusive  of  all  that  portion  of  the  sub-marine 
population  which  is  fonncdby  the  Torpepos,  that  important  branch  of 
the  great  Ray  Family.  We  are  distinguished  from  nil  other  inhab- 
itants of  these  dominions  by  the  striking  chunicteristic  of  procuring  our 
subsistence  by  the  exertion  of  electric  power-  an  endowment  which 
Nature  has  implanted  in  our  tails,  and  ot  wlucli  we  have  enjoyed  the 
privilege  from  time  immcmoriftl.  I  invoke  the  aid  of  your  forpiblc  pen 
m  defence  of  our  vested  and  ancient  rights ;  in  behalf  of  Frotectioa  to 
Native  Klectricity,  The  grai-ping  spirit  of  Commerce  perverting  to  its 
own  pun'oses  the  might  of  unfeeling  Science,  has  established  a  Sub- 
marine Electric  Telegmpb  across  the  Straits  of  Dover,  We  cannot  but 
view  the  introduetiou  of  forei^  electricity  into  our  clement  with  the 
greatest  alarm  and  consternation.  A  ficrics  of  electric  shocks,  in  con- 
stant transmisi^ion  backwards  and  forwards  across  the  Chrmacl,  must 
necessarily  dcstmv  all  tlic  fish  in  the  neighbourhood.  When  Suh* 
marine  Electric  Telegraphs  become  universal — as  without  legislative 
interference  it  is  to  be  feared  they  will  be — they  must  and  will  uttoriy 
annihilate  our  vocation,  with  which  the  well-being  of  our  fellow -subjects 
is  so  inseparably  connected.  It  is  ridiculous  lo  suppose  that  we  ran 
compete  with  mercantile  companies  possessing,  through  dint  of  capital, 
the  means  of  generating  electricity  to  any  amount,  Vou,  Sir,  as  ft 
naturalist,  well  know  that  our  power  of  production  is  limited  by  the 
capnbditics  of  our  nervous  system;  and  that  after  a  certain  expenclitnnj 
of  elcctricjU  cnerff)-  wc  become  exhausted.  I  am  fuUy  pre paroa  to  prove 
these  assertions  oy  an  array  of  facts  and  figures,  wliich  would,  however, 
be  less  suitable  perhaps  to  your  pages  than  to  some  of  your  eoutcm- 
poraries.  Britannia  is  the  Ruler  of  the  Waves.  Exhort  her.  Sir, 
with  vour  accustomed  elofjucnce  to  beware,  lest,  in  withholding  Protec- 
tion Irom  Native  Electricity,  she  should  allow  ruin  to  overwhelm  that 
cUss  of  her  subjects  on  whom  the  stability  of  her  Empire  most 
cBseulially  depcaos. 

"  Your  obedient  Servant, 

"Gtjcnotus  Electbjcus." 

■*"  We  are  happy  to  infonn  the  Electric  Eel  that  the  Protection  he 

demands  is  abunoantly  secured  by  the  coating  of  gutta  pcrcho,  which  la 
a  non-conductor,  surrounding  the  wire.  Even  were  this  not  so,  in  order 
to  receive  a  shock  from  the  Electric  TelegrapL  a  fish  would  hare  to 
oompletc  the  circuit,  which  would  require  a  long  tail  Our  PxotM^ 
tionut  friend  dispbys  strange  ignorance  of  electrical  economy. 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


121 


^ 


I 


SKULLS  AT  COLOGNE  AND  WIESBADEN. 

Oh  their  way  from  Frankfort,  certain  members  of  the  Peace  Congress 
were  caught  and  weleomcd  ut  Colopne;  and — doubilcss  to  the  erntmr- 
r&Mmcnt  of  some  of  them — were  introduced  to  the  skulls  of  the  Three 
Kinjp;  of  the  "wise  men,"  says  iloly  Writ  (but  the  questionable 
fiatterv  of  tradition  !ias  crowwea  them)  whose  names  were — says  tbe 
legcnu— Balthasar,  Jaspab,  and  Melchior.  They  followed  the  star 
to  Jcnisalcm,  and  did  homage  with  offerine|s  of  m>Trh,  ^Id,  and  frank- 
inoense.  llow  they  aftrrwnjds  arrived  at  Cologne,  it  might  be  deemed 
ill-manners  to  inquire  too  curiously.  There  they  are,  however ;  at  least, 
to  the  t>elieving  :  and  their  tomb,  says  an  account  in  the  Daily  Ketet, 
"  was  opened  ana  lit  with  gas,  and  the  skulls  shown  throuKli  the  golden 
works  to  the  greatest  possible  advantage."  A  bciipficial  result  not 
always  obtained  by  casting  beams  of  light  upon  the  rottenncM  of 
superstition.  After  all,  however,  an  imaginary  dialogue  between  the 
traditional  Balthasar  and  the  real  Elihu  Burhitt,— between  the 
legendary  J.vspAK  and  the  veritable  Joskj-h  Stvkgf. — would  l>e  more 
profoomC  more  instnictive,  abounding  with  deeper  siEfnideancc,  than 
the  real  talk  of  the  skull  of  J^egitimory  at  Wiesbaden,  with  its  pro* 
fcssing  believers  and  wonshipjwrs. 

Take  pitlicr  of  the  three ;  traditional  Balthasar,  if  vou  will ;  and  is 
not  the  skull— in  its  metallie,  golden  works— as  well  litted,  as  well 
furnished,  for  all  human  purposes,  as  that  relic  of  the  past,  that  Boorbon 
•kuU— with  ita  halo  of  St.  Lot  is— on  the  head  of  the  Count  Chakbors; 
that  old,  old  relic  of  divine  rijcht-  that  empty,  chamel  Ihinj?  of  old- 
world  legitimacy  ?  t.'omparcd  with  the  Bourbon  in  his  raedlieval 
majerity,  with  the  light  of  1S50  shoif  ing  it*  not  like  the  gas  upon  tlie 
three  nominal  sovereigns,  late  of  Bethlehem  now  of  Colopic,  to  the 
greatest  possible  advantage — compared  with  t  he  talking  skull,  the  stem. 
grim  meaning  of  the  naked  bone  that  was  the  head  of  legendary  Bal- 
THAaAK  has  ponderous  eloqu£nce.  Henry  Cinq  is  the  shadow— the 
ghost— the  outline  of  long  defunct  legitimnry,  giblieringof  vanities— 
now  BALTiiAiiAn  is  a  real  thing,  silently  diswunsing  soleran  truths— 
givingntteraoce  of  the  tomb  and  tlie  judgment. 

AtWiesboden,  the  skull  of  legitimacy  cries  to  its  believers  :— 

"Ila  «bfl>n  yon  refnnl  u  your  chief,  u  your  kioic.  mid  wito,  T  mar  %%y,  U  your 
daanst  Mend— bn  will  aIwbti  let  you  tiie  example ;  and  ■liuuld  Franoo  •ver  Iw  la 
daiiBtr,  ah  I   taH  alt  oar  fiieaila  bow  praud  and  Uappj  /  tkntt  It  to  fy  with  yo»  t9  hwr 

itfimet!" 

For  all  the  wants  of  the  day,  of  even  France  in  her  progress,  would 
not  the  skull  of  Baltraaar  serve  as  well  as  the  head  of  CHAainoHB, 
fUled  with  the  reek  of  St.  Louis?  For  how  maiiv  generations  has  a 
human  blight  been  permitted  to  scourge  mankind — and  its  name  is 
Bourbon  f  If  f  ranee  mu^t  have  a  king,  and  tne  nephew  of  his  uncle 
should  miss  the  crown,  we  would  rather  have  Jaspar,  Baltkasar,  or 
IdELCinoR,  in  honest  braiidessncss  selected  for  the  royal  head  of 
France,  llian  the  head  of  a  Boijrbon.  The  name  is  a  synonym  for 
human  e^-il.  _^_ 

TO  THE  LAUGHERS. 

This  Peace  Congress  is  a  capital  joke.  It's  so  obvious  a  subject  for 
fun  that  we  haven't  thought  it  worth  while  to  waste  a  laugh  on  it. 
All  manner  of  pens  have  been  poking  the  public  in  the  ribs  about  it— 
naper  pelleta  oi  all  colours  and  weights  have  been  slung  at  it— arrows 
from  all  quivers  have  been  emptied  on  its  vulnerable  sides. 

"Preach  Pence  to  the  world!"    The  poor  noodles!      "Inculcate 

the   supremacy    of    right    over    might ! "      Ineffable    milk-and-water 

spoonies!     "Holdout  to  nations  brotherhood  for  warfare,  the  award 

of  justice  instead  of  the  bayonet!  "     The  white-faced,  lily-livered  prigs! 

M^hy  it 's  llie  merest  Utopianism/'  says  the  Economist. 

"  It  *s  neither  more  nor  less  than  Christianity/'  sneers  the  Statist. 

"  Trade  is  the  true  peace-maker,"  says  the  Doctor  of  the  Manchester 
School. 

"Diplomacy  keeps  the  world  quiet,*'  oracularly  deckres  the  Red- 
Upist. 

Peace  indeed,  the  designing  democrat ! "  growls  the  Absolutist. 

"Peace,  \rith  a  bloated  aristocracy  still  rampant!"  snarls  the  Red 
Acpublican.  And  they  all  drown  in  a  ehorus  ol  contemptuous  laughter 
the  pleading  voices  of  the  poor  Peace  Congrcftsista  in  the  Church  of 
St.  IfW. 

But  there  arc  (K)nie.  voices  which  refuse  to  join  in  this  chorus, 
■ome  thoughtful  fares  thai  look  on  with  interest  and  sympathy  at  this 
strange  protest  iu  the  nineteenth  century  against  the  appeal  to  brute 
force,  wfiich  is  the  only  way  of  settling  ita  quarrels  that  the  world  has 
tried  for  eighteen  centuries  since  Peace  was  preached  on  £arth}  and 
good  will  to  men ! 

And  there  arc  some,  too,  of  the  wise  and  the  gre&t,  who  can  diacem 
in  this  gathering  of  friends  of  peace,  this  little  Babel  of  various 
tongues,  this  tiny  Congress  of  many  races,  a  tiling  in  no  way  to  be 
*idiculea,  any  more  than  the  acorn  i&  to  be  ridiculed,  when  science  de- 
clares that  its  heart  contains  the  oak. 

AtxxANDUt  Von  HtncBOLDT  is,  of  all  persons  sow  living  in  £urope, 


the  most  cxperienecd  in  men  and  Courts:  the  most  deeply  learned:  the 
most  oomj)rehpn.sivply  and  thoroughly  infonned.  He  tias  tmversea  the 
domain  ot  knowledge  as  widely  as  he  has  travelled  the  countries  of  the 
globe.  Alexander  von  Humboldt  does  not  laujih  at  this  Peace 
Congress.    There  is  no  sneer  in  well-weighed  words  Ckc  these : — 

"  The  gvnorml  prara  whicti  oiir  eontinf  nt  bai  now  ao  long  enjoyed,  lod  lh«  pnla*- 
worthy-  effniiM  or  many  (JuvRniraenU  ta  avert  the  ofl-direatanlng  aanftern  of  a  gcoeral 
Kuropcan  war,  provu  that  tlto  Ideas  vhich  $o  nmmtncnllv  occupf  yoHr  idIikU  an  la 
aocordanc*  with  tlie  M>iiTlnicnta  called  r»rth  ana  dlfflttwd  by  th«  InerMta^d  cult^n  ol 
bumanlty.  It  I*  a  iit#fiil  i>ntrqiriiw>  tn  Innptn*  niicb  Bt^nllmenlB  Id  ttw  c.>uini'4iwealtii 
bf  public  ennfervncea,  anj  at  ttw  aaiDB  time  to  point  oat  the  way  thmiipfa  which  wiat 
and  alocQiT  Ooreninicau  may,  by  A>it«>rtn8  the  pn>ffT«««Ivfl  <u>a  lorlUmaU  clev«lop- 
in»>nt  and  parfceUMUty  of  tnn  InaUtutUmi^  weaken  the  lonf  accuciulalad  elcnwnta  erf 
animodty.^* 

Perhaps  the  grey-hnired  philosopher  is  laughing  in  his  sleeve^  or 

drivelling,  when  he  tells  the  Peace  Congress  that, 


"  The  whole  hUtory  of  ttie  past  ahowi  that,  uad^r  the  protection  of  a  mparlor  ^v^wim 
a  long-ttnnrlibed  ybarnlug  aflcr  a  ttuble  aim  In  (he  IKo  of  uatlana,  wlU  at  lani^tb  &■'■ 
Ita  euasammatlon." 

Poor  HoTBOLDT !  Visionary  Enthusiast!  At  iu  time  of  life,  too: 
and  a  man  who  knows  courts  and  countries,  and  science,  and  so  oo ! 
It's  amazing. — perfectly  amazing! 

But  then  Wa  a  German. — ana  these  Oermans  arc  inch  dreamers! 


TflE  INTERESTING  STORY. 
First  Ticieet'Porttr.  **  And  so,  tou  know,  th&t's  ALL  I  KNOWS  aBOOT 

IT." 

Second  Ticltt-Portfr.  "  Well  1      I  DON'T  KNOW  AS  sm  I    KNOWSO  A 
Man  as  Kftows  as  much  as  lou  knows  1 " 


The  Abode  of  Koonmhine. 

Mr.  George  Frederick  Yocno,  the  Protectionist,  writes  a  letter 
to  the  Times  wliich  is  deserving  of  some  little  notice,  ou  account  of  the 
date;  namely:— 

**  National  Aaaueiatlon  (t)r  Uia  Pruteetlon  of  Indastrf  and  Capital  throughout  tba 
Brltlab  Empire,  Bonlh  Sca-Uooaa,  London,  Augvat  SO." 

Protection  and  its  domicile ;  inmate  and  dwelling,  are  well  matchexL 
The  character  wliich  the  place  1ms  acquired  in  connexion  with  the 
Monster  Bubble,  will  lose  nothing  of  notoriety  by  its  present  occupant. 
Than  the  South  Sea-House,  what  edifice  in  Great  Britain  could  be  utter 
for  n  Temple  of  Ilumbog  P 


THV  KXCRVITIKO   DEFARTUEVT. 

A  TorNG  man  asked  his  governor  for  some  moner,  as  he  wanted  "to 
gooutof  towntorecruit  bislicalth."  " Recruit  your  ncalth ! "  eiiclaimcd 
the  old  Captain.  "Well,  then.  Sir,  here  *b  a  shilling — that 's  all  we  pay 
for  recruiting  in  the  army." ^^ 

ART  IS  KICEEDINQLT  LONG,   BUT  UFE   VZBY   SnOB-T. 

Ir  Mr.  Babbt  is  no  quicker  in  being  the  Architect  of  his  fortune 
than  he  is  in  being  the  Architect  of  the  New  Palace  at  Westminster, 
we  are  ver}'  much  afraid  that  he  will  never  live  to  see  the  completion 
of  it ! 

The  Greate.st  Cdansel  or  Ojitiiunicatiox.— Since  the  Sub- 
marine Telegraph  has  been  laid  down,  we  may  safrlv  predict  that  the 
greatest  channel  of  communication  will  soon  be,  the  British  Chonneh 


5&dr^  (frtU  vulgar)  Uttk  Boy.  '*  H^llo,  Mt»svs,  wqt  arb  thosk  !  *' 

Old  Womn^.  "Twopejick." 

Boy.  "What  a  Lie  I    Tiiei  'rb  Applks." 

[£ctr,  wfiittiiitg  popular  air. 


i 


THE  LION  HUNTRESS  OF  BELGRAVIA.^ 
Beiiiff  Laj>t  NiKROD'a  Journal  o/thpati  Setuon. 

AiaovQ  the  most  coosidemhle  lioas  who  have  tiErured  in  my  lueoa^rie, 
I  ma^  mculion  Bobdacuy  B.vuawdek,  the  Prince  of  Dnllu,  who  came 
over  on  a  conlidentim  mission,  from  llis  ImpchAl  Majesty  the  Emperor. 
Adbungzsbe,  Ihcir  august  sovereign  nod  master.  No  soirt'e  was  for 
»orae  lime  complete  without  the  Boobiichy.  Of  all  the  Orientals  who 
have  visited  our  thores,  it  waa  ajp:«ed  that  he  was  the  most  witty, 
interesting,  aua  accomplished:  he  travellod  with  a  small  suite  of 
HookabamLrs,  Kitmeltgan,  ana  Lascars;  aud  the  sexuatioa  was  pro- 
digious which  was  occasioocd  by  the  inicUicence,  that  the  distinguisaed 
£uToy  had  it  in  command  from  his  imperinl  master,  to  choose  out  from 
among  the  beaujties  of  Britain  a  ynung  lady  who  would  not  object  to 
become  Eupkess  op  Delhi  in  place  of  tlie  late  lamenled  wife  of  the 
soTcreign,  for  whose  loss  His  Majesty  was  inconsolable.  It  was  only 
after  he  had  been  for  some  time  in  the  co\mtry  thai  this  the  real  object 
of  his  mission  transpired:  for,  for  some  timt^  the  Bobbachy  lived  in  the 
most  private  manner,  and  he  was  not  even  presented  at  Court,  nor 
asked  to  a  turtle  dinner  by  the  £iut  India  Company.  In  fact,  some  of 
the  authorities  of  Leadenhall  Street  said  that  the  Bobbachy  was  no 
more  an  Ambassador  than  you  or  I,  and  hinted  he  was  an  inij>ostor ;  hut 
his  Excclleiicj's  friends  knew  better,  and  that  there  are  difTcrences 
of  such  a  serious  nature  between  the  Enst  India  Company  and  the 
Delhi  Emperur^  that  it  was  to  tlie  interest  of  the  Leadenhall  Street 
potcnt.'i*ps  to  Ignore  the  Bobbachy,  and  throw  all  the  discredit 
which  they  could  upon  the  Envoy  of  the  great,  widowed,  and  ii^^f^ 
sovereign. 

Lady  Ltkx  took  this  line,  aiid  woidd  not  receive  him ;  but  the 
mazmer  in  which  her  Udyship  is  lite  with  some  of  those  odious 
Directors,  and  the  way  in  whicli  she  bop,  bon-ows,  and  as  /  believe, 
sells  the  cadetships  and  writersMps  which  she  geta  from  them,  is  very 
well  known.  Siic  did  cvcrjibing  malice  and  envy  could  suggest,  to 
bring  this  eminent  Asiatic  into  disrepute ;  she  said  he  was  not  a  Priuct?, 
or  an  Envoy  at  all,  or  anything  bnt  a  mcrehant  in  his  own  country : 
bat  as  she  always  tries  to  sneer  at  my  lions,  and  to  pooh-pooh  mv 
parties,  and  as  I  was  one  of  the  first  to  welcome  the  distinguishecl 
BoblMichv  to  this  country,  the  very  ill-will  and  envy  of  LAor  Lynx 
only  maoe  me  the  more  confident  o(  the  qiudity  of  this  remarkahle 
person,  aud  I  do  not  blush  to  own  that  I  was  among  the  drat  to  welcome 
him  to  our  shores.  I  asked  people  to  meet  the  AmlMissador  of  the 
EuPEfioa  OP  Delhi.  That  I  own,  and  that  he  denied  altopfclher  that 
he  was  here  in  any  such  qapacity ;  but  if  reasons  of  state  prevented 
him  from  acknowledging  his  rank,  that  was  no  reason  why  wo  should 
not  award  it  to  him ;  and  I  was  proud  to  have  the  chance  of  pre^'^enting 
his  Excellency  to  society,  in  opposition  to  that  stupid,  uninteresting 
nong&rian  Qencral  whom  Lady  Lyiol  brought  out  at  the  same  time, 
and  who,  to  the  beat  of  my  belief,  was  an  Irishman,  out  of  Connaught, 
for  he  spoke  English  with  a  decided  Connemara  brogue. 

When  the  Bobbaohy  first  came  to  this  country,  he  occupied  humble 


lodgings  in  Jermyn  Street,  and  lived  at  no  expense ,  hut  happening  to  bt 
stayhng  nt  tlie  Star  and  Garter  at  Hichmond.  where  he  one  dn^  came  to 
dinner.  I  introduced  m}*sclf  to  him  in  the  note!  gardens;  said  I  was 
the  Lady  NlimOD,  one  of  the  chiefs  of  English  societv,  of  whom 
perhaps  he  had  heard,  and  that  I  should  be  g^lad  to  do  anvtrung  in  my 
power  to  make  the  metropolis  welcome  for  him,  and  introunoe  him  into 
the  best  company.  He  pnfc  both  hln  hands  before  him  on  his  breast,  as 
if  he  was  going  to  swim  at  me,  Mr.  OaiMSTOVE  said,  and  made  me  a 
most  el^&ntbow:  answering  in  very  good  English  that  my  humble 
name  and  the  reputation  of  my  parties  had  often  formed  the  subject  of 
ooDveraation  at  the  Court,  of  Dellii  and  throughout  the  East,  and  that  it 
was  a  white  day  in  his  life  in  which  he  had  the  doJight  to  sec  the 
countenance  of  one  who  was  so  illustrious  for  bcautv,  as  ne  was  pleased 
to  sav  1  was.  "  Ah  ! "  he  often  said  afterwards,  why  has  Fate  dia- 
j  p3sea  so  early  of  such  a  lovely  creature  ?  "What  a  lucky  individual  is 
I  he  (meaning  Nivhod)  who  possesses  such  a  pearl !  It  is  fit  to  be  worn 
'  in  an  Emperor^a  turban,  and  I  mnst  not  <;pcAk  about  you  to  my  master 
or  show  your  portrait  to  him  unless  I  can  take  you  to  bim  j  for  he  will 
certainly,  when  I  get  back  to  Delhi,  chop  my  head  oflT  firom  rage  and 
disappomtmeiit  at  my  retunang  home  without  you  P 

This  speech,  though  Oriental,  at  least  shows  be  was  well-bred.  As 
for  my  marrying  the  Emperor,  that  is  out  of  the  question,  for  Niubod 
is  alive  in  the  country,  and  we  have  no  means  of  pursuing  your  Oriental 
pnicticcs  of  bow-stringing  here.  I  told  the  Boboachv  at  once  that  the 
Emperor  must  never  ttiiuk  of  me^  must  never  be  spoken  to  about  me, 
and  that  I  must  live  Kud  die  an  English,  not  an  Indian  lady.  But  this 
was  in  aftertimcs,  and  when  we  grew  more  intimate  together.  Mean- 
while  it  gave  me  great  pleasure  in  introducing  into  tnc  world  this 
amiable  aud  polite  exotic. 

At  first,  as  I  have  said,  he  lived  in  a  very  humble  and  retired  manner 
in  JcTmyn  Street,  when  I  called  upon  him  in  my  o&rriage  with  my 
footmen.  Tlie  door  was  0|>ened  by  a  maid  of  all-work :  who  told  us 
with  wonder  that  "the  Iman  geul,"  as  she  called  him.  lifed  on  the 
second  floor.  I  toiled  ap  to  bis  apartment  (how  different  to  the  splendid 
balls  and  alabaster  pillars  and  sparklii^  fonntAins  of  the  palaces  of  hU 
native  East!)  and  there  found  His  Kxcellenoy  on  a  horse-hair  sofa, 
smoking  his  hookah.  I  insisted  upon  taking  him  a  drive  into  the  park. 
U  happened  to  be  a  fine  day,  and  there  was  a  throng  of  carriages,  and 
most  eyes  wore  directed  towards  the  noble  stranger  as  he  sate  by  my 
side  in  the  carriage  in  a  simple  Oriental  costume  with  a  turban  of  red 
and  gold.  I  would  have  taken  the  back  seat,  and  have  let  him  ait 
cross-legged,  but  I  bad  Miss  Hicos,  my  companion,  and  Fido  on  the 
back  seat.  I  mentioned  everywhere  who  he  was,  tcnok  him  to  the  open 
that  night,  and  had  him  at  my  Wednesday,  with  a  pfiU  diner  ehom  to 
meet  him. 

He  Imd  not  been  at  Court  as  yet,  nor  with  the  East  India  Company, 
for  the  reasons  I  have  stated:  until  the  presents  for  Her  Kajestt. 
with  which  the  Burrumf>ooter  East  Indiaman  waa  loaded,  had  reached 
London — presents  consisting  of  the  most  valuable  diamonds,  shawU 
elephants,  and  other  choice  specimens  of  Oriental  splendour— bad 
amved  in  the  East  India  Docks,  it  was  not  etiquette  for  him  to  present 
himself  before  the  sovereign  of  this  country-  Hence  his  quiet  retreat 
in  his  Jemn-u  Street  lodgings  ;  and  he  Uughed  at  the  audacity  of  the 
landlord  of  the  odious  house.  "  Landlord."  he  said.  "  he  think  me 
rogue.  Landlord  he  send  me  bill.  Landlord  he  inink  Bobbacht 
BAHAWDEn  not  pay.  Stop  tiU  Burmmpooier  come,  then  see  wheth« 
landlord  not  go  down  on  ma  knee  before  the  Emperor's  Ambassador." 
Indeed  His  Excellency  had  arrived  with  only  two  attendants,  bv  the 
steamer  and  the  overland  route,  leaving  the  bulk  of  hb  suite  ana  the 
invaluable  baggage  to  follow  in  the  Burmmpooier, 

He  was  a  ^e  judge  of  diamonds  and  shawls,  of  course,  and  very 
curious  about  the  jewellers  and  shawl  merchants  of  London.  1  took  him 
in  my  carriage  to  one  or  two  of  our  principal  tradesmen;  but  there  was 
very  little  which  he  admired,  luving  seen  much  finer  brilliants  and 
shawls  in  his  own  romantic  lunil. 

When  he  saw  my  house  he  was  delighted  and  surprised.  He  said  he 
thought  all  houses  in  London  like  that  lodging  in  Jermyn  Street.— all 
sofas  black,  all  sky  black ;  why  his  dam  secretary  take  him  to  that  black 
hole  ?  Landlord — dam  secretary's  uncle — charge  him  hundred  round 
month  for  that  lodging.  I  represented  how  atrociously  His  Excellency 
had  been  imposed  npon,  and  tnat  if  he  intended  to  receive  company,  he 
should  certamly  transport  himself  to  better  apartments.  It  is  wonaer- 
ful  how  these  simple  foreigners  are  impost  upon  by  lour  grasping 
countrymen ! 

The  Bobbachy  took  my  advice,  and  removed  to  handsome  rooms  at 
Green's  Hotel,  where  he  enTaffcd  a  larger  suite,  and  began  to  give 
entertainments  more  befitting  nis  rank.  He  brought  a  native  cook, 
who  prepared  the  most  deUcious  curries,  piltaws,  and  Indian  dishes, 
which  really  made  one  crj' — they  were  so  hot  with  pepper.  He  gra- 
dually got  about  him  a  number  of  the  most  distinguisned  peop:e,  and, 
thanks  to  my  introduction  and  his  own  elegant  and  oaptiratuig  mannen, 
was  received  at  many  of  our  best  houses;  and  when  the  real  object  of 
his  mission  came  out  (which  he  revealed  to  me  in  confid^ice),  that  he  was 
anxious  to  select  a  lady  for  the  vacant  throne  of  Delhi,  it  wu  wonderful 
how  popular  he  became,  and  how  anxious  people  WCVB  iboai  hisw   '^^ca 


"S*<^.'^S*^' 


I 


IM 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIYARL 


portrait  of  hia  imperial  xnaater,  the  £mperor,  seated  on  &  gold  tbrone. 
WW  hung  up  in  hu  principal  drawing-room ;  and  though  a  rile  dnxib,  as 
moet  people  said,  especialijr  that  envioua  Gsimstone,  who  said  he  must 
have  bought  it  of  some  Strand  limner  for  a  guinea— Tet  11  hat  cun  one 
expect  from  an  Indian  artist  ?  and  the  picture  represented  &  liandsomc 
young  man,  with  a  sweet  black  beard,  a  thin  waist,  and  a  neckltice  of 
diamonds  worth  millions  and  billions  of  rumes. 

^If  the  young  ladies  and  mammas  of  London  flocked  to  ^e  ihh 
jacture,  you  mar  imagine  how  eager  the  mammas  and  youn^  bdJe^ 
were  to  show  tneir  own  beauties!  Everybody  read  up  about,  Delhi, 
and  was  so  anxious  to  know  about  it  from  llis  Excellency'  Mrs. 
ClUKLEY,  hearing  that  the  Orientfds  like  stout  ladies,  f^cjit  to  ScotlEiiid 
for  that  enormous  Miss  Cbaulet,  who  is  obliged  to  live  in  s^chifsion 
on  account  of  her  size,  and  who  really  would  do  for  a  show ;  old  Lady 
QsAJK  said  if  she  allowed  her  daughter  to  make  such  a  tnamuge,  it 
would  be  with  the  fervent  hope  of  converting  the  Empt^ror  and  all 
India  with  him ;  little  Miss  Cocksuaw  was  anxious  to  know  if  the 
widows  were  burned  still  at  Delhi.  I  don't  know  hew  muny  women 
didn't  ask  His  Excellency  when  this  news  was  made  public,  and  my  Hon 
was  nearly  torn  to  pieces.    It  was  "  Bobbachy  Bahawdkr  ^uid  suite/' 

"Hl3    EXCELUNCT     BOBBACHT     BaHAWDEH,"     "  HiR     ExCELLESCT 

Fkincx  Bobbacht  Bahawbeb,"  everywhere  now,  his  mime  in  all  the 
newspapers,  and  who  should  be  most  eager  to  receive  him. 

The  numoer  of  pictures  of  young  ladies  of  rank  which  my  friend 
received  from  all  parts  of  the  country,  would  have  formed  n  series  of 
books  of  beauty.  There  came  portraits  from  Bclgravia— iiorlraits  from 
Tybuniia — ^portraits  from  the  country;  portraits  even  from  Blooms- 
bury  and  the  city^  when  the  news  was  roaae  public  of  tlse  nature  of  His 
Excellency's  mission.  Such  wicked  deceptive  portraits  tliev  sent  up  too ! 
Old  Miss  Cbvickshattks  had  herself  painted  like  a  s>lpli  or  an  opera 
dancer ;  Mbs.  Bibb,  who  is  five-and-foixy  if  she 's  a  day  old.  wcut  to  h 
grrat  expense,  and  had  a  fashionable  pamter  to  draw  her  in  a  crop  nnd 
a  pinafore,  like  a  school-girl.  Fathers  brought  their  children  loMalk 
up  »3id  down  before  His  Excellency's  hotel,  and  some  bribed  Hia  Ex- 
cellency's secretary  to  be  allowed  to  wait  in  the  anteroom  until  he 
should  pass  out  from  breakfast.  That  Lady  Lynx  said  that  the  onlf 
ready  money  which  the  mission  got  was  from  these  bribes,  fiud  the 
nictures^  I  must  confess,  were  sold  upon  the  Minister's  withdrnwai 
m>m  this  country. 

A  sudden  revolution  at  the  Court  of  Delhi  occurred,  as  is  very  well 
known,  in  May  last,  and  the  news  of  his  recall  was  brought  to  my 
excellent  friend.  The  demand  for  his  return  was  so  peremptory,  th+il  he 
was  obliged  to  ouit  England  at  a  moment's  notice,  and  ac'part^d  with 
his  secretary  onlv,  and  before  he  had  even  iiad  time  to  tike  leave  of  me, 
his  most  attached  friend* 

A  lamentable  accident  must  have  happened  to  the  Burmmpootfr  India- 
man,  with  the  diamonds  and  elephants  on  board,  for  the  unfortunate 
ship  has  never  reached  England,  and  I  daresay  has  sunk  with  all  on 
board. 

But  that  is  no  reason  for  the  slander  of  ill-natured  people,  who  want 
to  make  the  world  believe  that  there  never  was  such  a  ship  as  tlic 
Bnrrumpooter  at  all ;  and  that  the  Bobbachy  and  his  aecretary  were  a 
couple  of  rogues  in  league  toother,  who  never  had  a  pennj-,  niid  never 
would  have  made  their  way  m  society  but  for  my  intrjdiietion.  How 
am  I  to  know  the  pedigrees  of  Indian  Princes,  and  the  manners  of  one ' 
blackamoor  from  another?  If  I  introduced  the  Bobbachy,  I'm  sure 
other  people  have  introduced  other  dark-complexioned  people ;  and,  as 
for  the  impudence  of  those  tradesmen  who  want  me  to  pay  his  bills,  and 
of  M&.  Orksn,  of  the  hotel,  who  says  he  never  had  a  shilling  of  His  { 
Excellency's  money.  I  've  no  words  to  speak  of  it. 

Besides,  I  don't  believe  he  has  defrauded  anybody :  and  when  the 
differences  at  the  Court  of  Delhi  are  adjusted,  I  've  little  doubt  but  that  1 
he  will  send  the  palti^  few  thousand  pounds  he  owes  here,  and  perhaps 
come  back  to  renew  the  negotiations  for  the  marriage  of  his  imperial 
master. 

An  Zbq;»ensWe  Game  of  Marbles. 

John  Boll  is  again  engaged  in  a  ruinous  game  of  marbles  with  the 
Great  Marble  Arch,  by  which  he  has  already  lost  so  much,  in  front  of 
Buckingham  Palace.  Poor  John  is  called  upon  once  more  to  "knuckle 
down"  to  a  very  extravagant  tune,  for  the  removal  of  the  Arch,  and, 
even  then,  the  material  difficulty  is  to  know  what  to  do  with  the  material. 
The  reconstruction  of  the  Arch  will  cost  more  than  it  is  worth,  and  it 
has  been  suggested  by  an  indignant  economist,  that  it  would  be  better 
to  hand  over  the  whole  concern  to  the  Arch-fiend,  as  the  natural  patron 
of  an  arch  that  has  been  productive  of  so  much  wasteful  expenditure. 


EAELY  CLOSING  OF  GLEN  TILT. 

~  EECT  on  OS !  The  I>inai  ov 

Athol  is  still  reflolredto 
shut  np  Glen  TOt.  Bk 
Grace,  it  is  said,  lowvi 
perfect  solitude,  a&deani 
not  with  the  Treach  poet 
to  exclaim — 

"Bat  rrmnt  me  stIU  a  frlfladta 

my  retreat, 
Whom  I  mar   ■lilii'ir    tkM 

tti4«  U  aweet.** 

His  Orace  —  it  is  n 
whispered  over  the  Bor- 
der— has  determined  ^to 
turn  Highland  hermit; 
to  let  his  beard,  and  psr- 
ticulariy  his  nailSy  grow 
in  reverence  and  tfisnk- 
fulness  of  the  beneficence 
of  Providence,  that  hss 
made  him  a  Dnke  and 
carved  out  for  him,  as 
we  opine  in  trust  only, 
so  fair  a  slice  of  earth  » 
Glen  Tilt.  How  forta- 
nate  is  it,  that  a  I>inB 
OP  Athoi.  cannot  hide 
the  sun  with  his  bonnrt 
or  tie  up  the  winds  of  heaven  in  his  garters  as  Lapland  witches  knot  fiiir 
brecEEs  in  roppa.  Could  hia  Grace  fichieve  such  potency,  we  are  a&aid 
he  would  biLrKniti  for  very  dcAr  penn^orllis  of  sunshine  to  the  farmer: 
and  sell  fair  winds  to  the  ruinous  sacriiice  of  the  merchant  aaa 
sailor.  Shut  up  Glen  Tilt!  That  anv  mere  man— so  much  doomed 
worm's-meat  at  some  uiacertniu  date,  tnis  very  day,  or  this  day  twenty 
years— should  hare  the  audaeitv  to  put  Uis  private  mark  upon  so  grand 
a  piece  of  God's  work,  miikingtlic  intensity  of  humanselfishneas  the  beat 
human  enjo^'uient !  To  such  a  man  llie  glory  of  the  heavens  and  tibe 
bounty  of  the  earth  should  be  as  :i  repro:trh ;  softening  and  sluuning 
him  into  justice  and  pentlenpss  towards  his  fellow-creatures.  8hutiw 
Glen  Tilt !  And  no  doubt  the  man  says  hit  daily  prayers,  giving  g^ 
utterance  to  those  solemn  syllables  tliat  ^peak  of  Torgiyeness^^tfCi- 
passes.  Shut  up  Glen  Tilt !  Spirit  of  a  departed  turnkey,  thou  halt 
tranamigmted  into  the  carcase  of  a  Scutch  Duke ! 


PUNCH'S  KOTES  AND  QUERIES. 

As  Miehflelma*  Day  is  at  hand,  perhaps  some  of  our  readers  wiH  let 
us  know  wheUier  the  "goose  look"  mentioned  in  Shakspkaub  was 
in  tlitj  eye,  or  tlje  nose,  or  whether  it  ^vas  a  peculiar  feature  of 
the  times.  Sympathetic  cures  used  to  ha  much  m  vo^cl  but  we 
cannot  undertake  to  answer  the  query— though  accompanied  by  a  JBIO 
note — of  the  individual  who  wishes  to  know  whether  he  can  cure  a  psin 
in  his  side  hy  curing  a  side  of  bacon. 

We  have  heard  that  eating  snakes  was  formerly  reputed  a  good 
method  of  growing  youu^.  W  e  can  recommend  something  that  would  be 
perhaps  qiute  as  efficacious,  and  a  little  less  nauseous  possibly,  than 
eating  a  snake,  namely,  to  swallow  some  of  the  Serpent-ine. 

The  practice  of  using  manuscripts  and  unsaleable  printed  works  for 
the  linmg  of  trunks  doubtless  had  its  origin  in  the  snperstitionuthst 
the  excessive  dryness  of  the  matter  would  Keep  the  water  out.  There 
may  be  something  in  this  ideiL  for  the  substances  in  question  are  quite 
incapable  of  absorbing  anybody  or  anything. 


Another  Oonseience«Money  Maniac. 

Thb  Times  annoonced  the  other  day  that— 
**  The  CuircKLLOB  or  Tin  EzoHiqim  hm  raoelTed  from  '  Qaere    the  mm  of  £26 


Qaere  P— Quere  ?— Is  the  name  spelt  properiv  ?  Isn't  the  unfortunate 
incuridualQasER? 


The  Irish-American  Sea  Serpent. 

The  Irish  seem  to  be  taking  the  American  Sea  Serocnt  "quite  intirdy* 
out  of  the  hands  of  the  Yankees.  It  is  a  difficult  labour  to  imaging,  m 
Irish- American  Sea  Serpent.  The  only  picture  we  can  draw  of  him  is 
with  a  short  pipe  in  his  mouth,  brandishing  a  shillelagh  with  one  of  hii 
fins,  shouting  out,  "  Will  any  jmtlcman  just  tread  upon  my  tail  f  " 


EXGLISH  LOCUSTS. 


In  the  East  they  hare  armies  of  locusts  that  quite  dai^en  tha 
sun.  In  England,  we  have  no  locusts,  but  we  have  tax-eatherera ;  fcr 
it  is  doubtful  if  anything  could  block  out  the  light  more  effectuallj  thiyi 
the  Window  Tax. 


Quxsnov  K)&  Bakok  Hothschild.    To  be  asked  at  the 
London  election  ipropot  of  BUtkau.— "  Who  *s  your  friend  P  " 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


I 


THE  DUKE  OF  CAMBRIDGE'S  ANNUITY. 

Thz  TVkvj  caIIs  attention  to  the  fact— the  mclancboly  fact  to  long- 
Buffenng  Englisbraeu.  with  llic  prosnwt  of  a  rcuewcd  inoome*tai — tbat 
**  the  first  qiiarlcr'a  payment  of  the  I)dke  of  Cambbidge's  annoity  of 
£12.000  viU  become  payable  on  tho  lOlh  of  neit  month."  His  Koyal 
Hignnesa  will  then  toacJi  £3000 !  There  is,  however,  a  glimmer  of  hope 
among  the  gold  coin— it  is  this :  "  the  amiaitjr  is  to  cease  should  the 
Duke  become  the  sovereign  of  an?  foreign  state."  On  these  terms, 
fthould  Hanover,  or  any  ncwly-crcated  kingdom,  want  a  sovereign,  wc 
arc  prepared,  at  a  minute's  notice,  to  supply  a  pot-cntatc  for  nothing. 

Tliis  first  quarter's  p.ivmcnt  of  £U000  shoutd,  however  be  commo- 
morated  in  some  way.  Will  not  the  Duko*8  tradesmen  dine  together 
in  honour  of  the  event?  They  miffht,  moreover,  enlarge  the  mahogimy 
on  the  occasion,  for  the  accommodation  of  those  disinterested  chairmen 
and  secretaries  of  the  Good  Cambridge  Testimonial,  whose  charity  is 
whetted  by  ambition,  and  whose  names  are  to  be  engraved  upon  the 
momimcntal  pillar— a  Pillar  of  Real  Smoke,  we  lake  it — ercctea  to  the 
memory  of  the  late  good-naturod  chainnau  and  amiable  diner-out. 

Any  way.  the  tradesmen  mtut  illuminate.  And  what  6tter,  what  more 
significant  ohue  than  the  numerals  in  coloured  lamps  ?    As  thus : — 


i5. 


c. 


Sf. 


£13,OOOS 

The  notion  suggests  a  pleasant  mode  of  divination,  by  which — if  we 
may  imagine  a  sympathy  of  whale  oil  with  ducal  worth — we  might 
arrive  at  the  re*!  vearlv  value  of  \m  Rflyal  Highness.  Aa  thus :  if  every 
lamp  burnt  steadily — tJie  whole 

iClS.OOO 

ing  out  together— we  nught  accept  the  consentaneous  extinHirm  «■ 
oatrative  of  the  fact  that  the  Duke  was  worth  the  £12.000,  i«^i.uu 

only  with  his  life,  and  not  a  figure  less.    But  supposing  that  the  £12,000 

burnt  as  thus : 

£   3,000 

Orthua—  £12,00 

Or  thus—  £1     CO 

Or  even,  yes,  even  thus—    £        O 

The  gradual  subtraction  of  sum  hy  tho  extiuction  of  figure  or  c>'pher 
might,  m  the  bosoms  of  Uie  superstitious,  patriotically  tender  towards 
o\ir  nionctArv  institutions,  indicate  a  probable  deduction  as  the  jrears  of 
His  Ko>al  Highness  waned,  fiiclcred,  and  went  out  in  smoke.  Be  tbia 
afl  it  may,  let  us  by  all  means  have  the 

£12,000 

— eichequcr  cherubim  in  bumins  row,  testifving  to  Englishmen  the 
coat  of  royal  cousins  and  the  pliancy  of  \Vuigs.  And.  whereas,  in 
England  the  human  animal  is  onl^  made  by  money,  so  Jet  an  appro- 
priate motto  set  forth  the  characteristic  creation  of  His  Roval  Highness. 
Tlio  child  ia  fither  of  the  man,"  says  the  poet.    Very  well, 

'*  %\t  cm  a  maktr  at  tt^e  BuU/' 

sava  Punch.    Loyal  and  illuminating  public,  get  ready  your  lamps  and 
woale  oil  for  the  glorious  10th  1 


Turn  on.  Old  Thames.* 


THE  EARLY  CLOSING  SHOPKEEPER  TO  HIS  CUSTOMER 

X  AU  a  linen-diaper  bold, 

(Please  to  walk  this  way,  Ma'am.)  « 

I  don't  fear  being  undersold: 

(What  next  shall  we  say,  Ma*am  ?) 
My  shopmen  there — those  spruce  young  beaux,** 
Keouire,  I  know,  their  dne  repose ; 
Ana  so  at  eight  each  night  we  close : 

(Any  other  article  to-day.  Ma'am  P) 
I  won't  destroy  my  voung  men's  health, 

(Warranted  to  laat.  Ma'am.) 
CJareles^  of  oU  but  gettim?  wealth, 

(Colour  very  fast,  Ma'am.) 
No  one  in.  hot  close  air  was  meant 
Till  nearly  midnight  to  be  pent ; 
Nor  shall  in  this  establishment : 

(Thnt  caimot  Iw  aurpass'd,  Ma'ajn.) 
Consuiiiptiou  hcrt'  we  don't  allow, 

(Very  lovel/  chintz,  Ma'am.) 
If  we  can  help  it  anyhow : 

(Recommend  these  prints,  Ma'am.) 
No  meuly  check,  no  hollow  eve, 
Bchijnd  my  counter,  Ma'am,  bavo  I; 
ClosinfT  at  eight 's  the  reason  why : 

(All  tlie  most  fashionable  tiuts.  Ma*am.) 
Thus,  likewise,  to  improve,  the  mind, 

(HctiPOimUe  tou,  Ma'^im.) 
A  little  time  my  shopmen  lind : 

(Not  too  deep  a  blue.  Ma'am.) 
I  find  this  answer  in  the  end; 
Thev  look  upon  me  as  a  friend. 
Ana  I  can  on  the  laiK  depend : 

(Thank  you,  Ma'am— 1  'm  much  obliged  toj^x.  Ma'am,) 
Now  1  know  you  'II  l>e  sua  kind 

(Wish  to  see  that  shawl.  Ma'am  ?) 
As  to  let  me  speak  my  mind : 

(Trouble  ?— not  at  all.  Ma'am.) 
The  good  that  might  be  done 's  unknown. 
Would  ladies  deal  with  tlio^e  aloue 
Whose  shops  dose  early — like  our  own — 

(Early  closing — hope  an  early  call,  Ma'am.) 


It  has  generally  been  considered  that  married  couples  onhr  ire  cuM^le 
of  leading  "a  cat  and  doglife^"  but  we  know  an  instance  of  a  aiDgle  old 
ffentleman  in  Loudon — we  mean  poor  old  Father  Tluunes — who  leads  a 

cat  and  dog  life  "  in  the  most  literal  sense  of  the  term,  as  a  walk  by 
the  >id«  of  his  bed  will  amply  testify. 


I 


81L£SCE,   rjU),  aiUEHCB  TOR  k  FtTK. 

Lf  return  for  the  present  of  a  sword  belonging  to  "  the  Emperor/* 
GsTTZHAL  NABVAEZnas  givcn  Louis  Napoleon  a  sword  belonging  to 
F£BMA>'DO  CoBTB2.  Tlic  Spanish  officer  could  not  have  poriormcd 
towards  the  French  President  a  nicer  act  of  Cortes-y 


ProtectionUt  Pluck. 

Bt  a  Restricted  Trade  contemporary  it  is  stated  that  Mb,  T.  W. 
BootEB^ "  an  undincbiug  Protectionist,"  has  come  forward  to  supply  the 
racancv  in  tfaa  representation  of  Herefordshire.  AVliv  is  a  thorough- 
oing  Proteotionist  always  called  "  imfUnching  ?  "  is  it  because  he  shows 
^'  to  be  insensible  to  the  most  striking  facta  ? 


A  MILITARY  PLURALIST. 

F.  M.  THE  DuiCK  Of  Welukgton  has  accepted  tbeofBoe  of  Ranger 
of  the  Parks— a  post  whicli.  to  our  cars,  smacks  exceedingly  of  beadle- 
dom. Wc  know  that  the  abilities  of  Uis  Grace  have  comprehended  a 
very  wide  range,  but  the  part  of  Ranger  is.  at  his  time  of  life,  rather 
onerou.s,  for  if  its  duties  are  performed  in  person,  we  shall  be  occasionally 
startled  by  a  situation  something  like  that  of  the  disguised  Beefeater  in 
SiifaiDAN's  Criiic,  for  when  we  are  taking  a  quiet  stroll  by  the 
Serpentine,  we  shall  perliaps  have  one  of  the  uark-keeper?  throwing 
back  his  Rold-laced  collar,  and  standing  revealed  before  us  as  the  hero 
of  Waterloo. 

We  should  have  thought  that  the  hand  so  long  familiar  with  the  Field 
Marshal's  baton  would  nave  found  it  rather  utfrtt  dtg.  to  begin  grasping 
the  beadle's  staff,  and  the  voice  once  accustomed  to  oommand  in  the 
field,  to  persuade  in  the  Senate,  and  advise  m  tho  Council,  must  be 
rather  inglohously  occupied  in  excUiming,  **  Hallo !  come  off  the  grass." 
or  in  mnrmuringj  "(x>me,  come,  this  is  not  allowed,"  to  some  idle 
infant,  listlesslv  pitching  pebbles  mto  the  Serpentine.  Tlicre  seems  to 
us  something  ukc  bathos  iu  the  "hero  of  a  nundred  fights"  coming 
dowu  to  be  the  Hanger  of  half  a  hundred  gravel  walks,  and  Inspector- 
(joncral  of  park-nalinga. 

Forturiately,  the  Bntish  "  Boy  "  is  an  animal  that  ia  easily  alarmed  at 
the  very  appearance  of  a  park-keeper,  who  has  only  to  shake  his  staff 
to  create  a  perfect  panic  in  the  juvenile  breast ;  and,  therefore,  it 
IS  not  probable  that  any  park-keeper  will  tind  liimself  compelled  to 
give  chase  to  a  turbulent  urchin  who  will  cut  his  name  upon  a  tree* 
or  indulge  in  any  other  freak  that  it  is  the  office  of  a  Ranger  to  guard 
against. 

The  Duke,  in  addition  to  his  other  dutie.%  will,  of  course,  have  to 
regulate  the  cake  and  apple-stalls  iu  the  various  parks,  and  control  the 
curas-and-whey  tariiT,  for  His  Grace  has  the  reputation  of  attending  to 
small  tilings  as  well  as  great,  when  it  is  his  duty  so  to  do,  and  ,the 
public  mav,  therefore,  cat  its  ha'p'orth  of  gingerbread,  ouaff  its  milky 
coag^ated  matter,  and  discuss  its  spice  nut  with  the  fullest  confidence 
in  socb  illustrious  Rongcrship. 


A  CocK.yEY*s  Exclamation,  utox  Sebivg  thb  Gr.r.nBaiTKp  E^ 
DELBEBG  Tojf.— "  Well,  it  is  (8)ton-ning ! " 


I 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKI. 


fifi^r^' 


Mb.  Bbiggs  Tiiix&s  or  Klnmnu  Vovty  the  Dat  afteh  Tu-mobrov  to  uis  Friend  IIatcock  ran  a  Day's  SnooTJNG,  axo  iua 
BoRaowiD  A  Doo  to  go  with  him.    Fob  thk  Nikth  Time  puriso  thk  Niout  itE  has  bken  Distcrbed  bt  thb 

HOWUVG  Of   TUZ   AVULAL. 


War  with  Austria! 

[£^  Punch's  OiCH  Electric  Teltgroph^ 
Punch  Office,  ai  Ihf  leuC  moment 
bti'Qre  goiitg  to  Prfsn. 

TfTE   Ekpbrok   op  Austri.v,  with  a 

Sish  of  new  affcrtion  tnwardH  GiiiniiUL 
ATNAF,  has  ordered  liis  Ainbiissador  at 
the  Court  of  St.  James's  to  demand  liis 
TO55ports»    unless  all  the    draymen    of 

BAItCLAT     AND    PeRKINs's     ETC     SCnt     ID 

chAius  by  special  train  to  Vieiina. 

At  this  harried  minute  we  can  scapccl/ 
conjecture  what  will  be  the  result,  but  it 
JB  believed  (by  the  Mornirtff  Chronitlc)  that 
Lord  Palmebston  will  refuse  to  give  up 
the  draymen ;  but  as  a  mark  of  regrctfiu 
respect — half-sympalliy,  half-apology — will 
ofTor  the  ellifry  of  a  drayman,  with  a  real 
whip  and  an  unexceptionable  brewer's 
nightcap  I 


MB.  B&ioas  no  sooner  rettrns  to  his  bed,  than 

UBS.  BBIGGS   BAYS,   "  ItT   PBAB  !    TH£RE  's  THAT 


ITAATT,  TIBESOUB  DOG   AGAIN  \ 


I  l'» 


Talc  of  on  £m>£;rant  Tub. 

Such  is  the  force  of  c" 
Bionally  in  the  fcmaJe  niii; 
dress,  who  hivs  wa>hed — t 
— for  us  during  the  last    tci 
packdd  up  all  her  wavhuig  ai 
eluding  a  siitBsh  quantity  of  : 
the  intent  iou  of  prooecdmg  t 
where  she  puqmsrs  advrr*"''' 
fanniies' irtild-uxshiufr.  t-t 
whole  of  her  capital  m  ht  i 
arrive  without  a  liidfociiny,   so    tlmt  tbo 
foolish  woman,  when  siie  steps  on  aba 
the  character  of  a  washcrwonum, 
hiivc  tt  copper  to  bless  herself. 


"wnAT*S   IN   A  NAMB?" 

A  DEAL  of  monev  sotnctiincs;  for  jgat 
take  a  passnort  to  tne  F'  '*.  and 

you  will  finrtthut  you  arc  c  ;  k.OsL, 

merely  for  putting  the  namt-  'u  Luau  pjUr 
MEUMON  upon  it. 


til 


Mawrwonu  Bsdivivus. 

An  advertisement  emanating  from  a  Society  con^pirinf^  a^nst  the 
convenience  of  the  nublic  at  It,  Chatham  Place,  proclaims  that  "a 

£-eat  strugRlc"  is  about  to  be  made  "for  the  cessation  of  all  postal 
hour"  on  the  Sunda>'.  This  is  a  warning  to  every  rational EiysUsh- 
maa  to  be  at  his  post — nulcss  he  wishes  it  to  be  seized  upon  agam 
by  the  Sabbatarians. 

A  TEBY   DEBP  TRAP. 

Tuc  opinion  entertained  bv  the  more  intelligent  class  of  fishes  with 
regard  to  the  Submarine  Telegraph  is  that  we  are  laying  down  wires 
for  the  purpose  of  catching  the  Ainericaa  Sea  Serpent, 


A  Meteorological  Fhenoraenon. 

It  is  a  very  carious  coincidence  which  has  been  observed  to  occur, 
with  almost  unerring  accuracy^  amongst  meteorological  pbenomeoo — 
more  especially  that  branch  arismg  from  the  difficult  process  of  **  Raising 
the  Wind"— that,  if  a  man  has  accepted  a  bill,  he  is  pretty  sure  to  bt»- 
porate  on  the  very  same  day  that  his  bill  beoomcs  dew. 

LouiB  Napolbon**  ELOQtJENCB. — It  may  be  remarked  that  in  all  Ids 
speeches  during  yhis  tours  in  the  departments  the  Prvsident  of  tlhP 
^«nch  Kepulwc  manages  to  bring  in  the  name  of  the  Eutperor.  llus 
characteristic  nf  T^uis  Nafoleok's  eloquence  is  natunU  euoogh.  far 
whenever  he  begins  to  tpout^  he,  of  course,  thinks  of  his  uaele. 


zi 


BAECLAY  AND  PERKINS'S  DRAYMEN  TO 
PUNCH. 

PUWOH,— FSELISO, 

that  as  one  of  Bab- 

CU.T    A5D  PZBJUNS'S 

Draymen,  &  Finn 
which  I  slwiiys  C3on- 
sidored  the  brightest 
jewel  in  HerMmesly's 
Cro  vn,  and  the  at  rong- 
est  bit  of  Her  Ma- 
jesty's scoptie,  and 
the  best  piece  of  the 
golden  ball  — (all  of 
which,  God  bless  her! 
I  myself  sec  her  with 
on  the  day  of  her 
Crownation) —feeling 
that  our  Firm  is  rIi 
this,  and  n  pot  to 
come  ill,  in  the  Con* 
stituilon  of  England 
— for  who  knows  how 
much  of  the  sinews 
of  the  country  is  got  out  of  pewter,  and  how  much  of  its  sense  from  the 
Head  atop  of  it— I  say,  fceung  all  this,  and  moreover  feeling  that  the 
Eyes  of  the  World,  Ulte  so  many  burning-glasses,  is  upon  us— I  take  up 
my  Pen  to  write  you  our  scnUmcnts,  aa  mcn^  aa  EngUslimen.  and 
as  Barclat  am>  Perkins's  Draymeu,  about  this  little  brush  with  the 
Friend  of  Baron  Kothscuild.  M.P..  with  noihin;;  aa  yet  to  sit  down 
upon :  and  after  \rUat  has  bapi>ened,  if  he  goes  to  the  Poll  again,  I 
suouJa  say,  with  certainly  not  a  leg  to  stand  upon. 

And  First  to  Begin  with.  Wc — Bakclay  and  PsBJUKa'a  Draymen 
—won't  bear  of  wnat  is  called  a  Teatmionial.  What  wc  Vc  done,  we 
could  no  more  help  doing  than  if  a  steam-engine  of  1000  Horse-^uard 
power  had  drur  us  to,  and  wc  won't  be  silvered  or  gilt  a  bit  for  it.  I 
am  emboldened  to  sav  this  at  once,  because  we've  heard  that  we*re 
all  to  have  a  silver  tankanl  a-piecc  made  in  the  shape  of  a  wild  beast 
—a  Htknau  on  his  hind  legs,  with  precions  blood-coloured  stones  for 
eyes — which  wc  at  once  deny,  and  refuse,  being  content  with  a  reward* 
ing  conscience  and  humble  pewter. 

Sir.  I  lim  chose  as  a  humble  'dividual  (you  will  with  your  'customed 
liberality  excuse  and  touch  np  bad  spelling),  to  set  our  caao  before  the 
world.  Sir,  we've  been  blamed  for  pelliog  a  Geu'ral  Butcher  with 
graina.  Permit  me  to  ask,  if  there  isn  t  worse  pelting  than  what  comes 
ttut  of  a  brewery  ?  What 's  pniins  to  ink  P  And,  Sir.  there 's  been  so 
(UQch  of  it  flung  at  us,  that  if  it  could  only  have  stuck,  our  wives  and 
families  wooldti  t  liave  knowd  us. 

First,  we,  Babclat  and  Perkins's  Dravmen,  are  rebels  and  damy- 
crats.  Sir,  do  you  remember  a  certain  lOtu  of  April,  when  Babclat 
AND  Perkins's  Draymen  all  went  and  turned  themselves  into  specials, 
and  hod  the  thanks  of  the  Government,  with  Loud  John  Hussku. 
ready— (only  wc  wouldn't  trouble  him) — to  come  down  on  the  11th,  to 
the  Brewery,  and  shake  hauda  with  every  one  of  us  P  We  wasn't 
rebels  then— but  reg'hu*  bricks ! 

Second. — It  was  a  plan  brewed,  and  bottled  to  attack  the  red-coat 
butcher.  I  repeat,  wuat  we  did,  we  couldn't  help  doing.  ,\.fore  wc 
knowd  that  Haynad  was  in  the  Brewery,  wc  knowa  that  something  was 
wrong.  Mr.  Ptineh^  we  felt  it  about  us^  just  as  you  feel  (here 's 
thunaer  and  lightzung  at  band — we  fclt^  just  as  my  poor  old  grand- 
mother couldn't  abide  a  oat,  and  was  all  m  a  fume  and  a  fidget,  with 
her  blood  simmering,  if  even  so  mach  as  a  blind  kitten  was  shut  up  in 
a  cupboard,  though  she  didn't  see  it.  I  can't  account  for  it,  no  more 
than  I  win  tell  why  the  Mectric  fluid  carries  a  message  through  the 
bottom  of  the  sea,  without  being  put  out  All  I  knowed,  is,  there  was 
a  kind  of  'Icctric  fluid  went  through  every  drayman's  heart— (and  he 
ought  to  be  asbamed  to  look  a  honest  horse  m  the  face  again,  if  it 
hadn't  been  so)- find  what  we  did,  we  couldn't  help. 

Mind  you,  if  it  was  to  be  put  to  us  in  cold  blood  to  plan  a  licking  of 
the  sort,  we  wouldn't  do  it.  No ;  we  should  hare  time  to  tliink  of  the 
matter— time  to  get  up  contempV— but  contempt.  Sir,  though  I'm 
no  scholar,  as  you  see,  is  a  thing  not  at  hand  on  a  sudden  notice.  Ko, 
Sir,  contempt,  I  take  it,  is  red-not  passion  grown  cold.  Bless  your 
heart !  Mr.  Punch,  if  Hatnau  could  only  come  among  us  once  more, 
he  'd  find  we  M  now  contempt  as  cold — yes,  cold  as  the  corpses  made 
by  his  own  bullets. 

And  then,  as  for  trying  to  kill  the  Man-Cat  that  clawed  poor  naked 
women,  wo  never  dreamed  of  it.  All  wo  wanted  was  to  disgrace  him. 
There  he  was  in  the  eyes  of  all  of  us  one  bit  of  muddy  blood — and  we 
flung  dirt  at  him.  Uc  had  burnt  houses  by  hundreds,  with  the  poor 
souls  in  "em,— and  what  did  w©  do?  Why,  we  just  give  him  a  taste  of 
the  cinder-bm.    But,  then,  Hatnau  was  such  an  old  man  I    When  be 


flogged  the  poor  lady,  whose  husband  shot  himself,  J  do  penrnno  he 
was  no  chicken.    An  old  man !     WcU.  if  j-ou  want  to  make  the  Devil 


uglier  thftn  he  is,  chip  a  wig  of  white 
thought ! 


irs  upon  him, — that  *s  m$ 


And  then  as  for  cutting  off  the  Tyger'a  beard, — why,  Mr.  PimeJk,  do 

)f  it  to  those  vcrr 


you  know  what  it  was  tned  for  P  Just  to  sell  locks  ol 
•one  folio  who'd  like  to  carry  a  remembrance  of  "  the  brave  old  man,' 
— as  I've  seen  the  monster  wnt  dowu, — all  of  'cm,  I  *m  bound,  willing 
to  pay  a  handsome  prioc  for  the  relict.  For  my  part,  I  *m  sorry  wc 
missed  the  beard.  At  only  twenty  shillings  a  hur,  it  would  have  made 
a  torrable  sum  for  the  English  HuDgnnaaB— that  is,  if  they'd  have 
pison'd  their  hands  with  a  farthing  of  it. 

I 'm  sorry,  too,  we  throw'd  theTvger  his  hatr— sorry  that  he  got  eS 
with  his  rags  of  clothes.  They'd  hare  been  worth  any  money  to 
Madaxb  TuaSAUD,  to  stand  aside  Rt}8ii  in  the  Chamber  of  Uorron. 
Kowsomcver,  I  understAud  the  whole  thing 's  to  be  done  in  a  punted 
Panoramy;  beainning  with  the  Dropiring  of  the  Truss  ot  Straw— the 
Hustling— the  Fligjit  along  Bankside— the  Hiding  in  the  George  Public- 
house — with  the  netreat  to  the  Dustbin— the  Police  Delivery- the 
Taking  Water  at  the  Bankside— and  View  of  Bedroom  at  Morley's 
Hotel,  with  Uat^au  a  Drinking  Hot  Brandy  and- Water  between  the 
Blankets.  The  whole  to  conclude  with  the  Departure  of  the  Tyger 
from  England  in  a  suit  of  clothes  handsomely  sent  to  Him  by  Basoh 
Rothschild,  with  affectionate  Wishes  for  the  Journey.  All  Babolat 
a:«d  Perkins's  Draymen  have  promised  to  sit  for  their  Picturs  bigger 
than  life.     Wouldn't  it  make  a  lovely  show,  framed  and  glazed  for  lool  f 

As  for  the  Visitors'  Book,  where  Hatwau's  name  was  writ,  there '« 
a  great  fear  it's  quite  spiled.  They  tried  to  scratch  HAYNAti— <vrhioh, 
though  writ  with  black  mk,  turned  aa  red  as  blood) — out  of  tho  ds^  ; 
but  It  sunk  through  and  through,  as  if  the  letters  had  been  changed  into 
red-hot  iron ;  and  though  I  don't  know  how  many  leaves  have  been 
toni  away,  and  how  many  quarts  of  vinegar  have  been  laid  out^ — the 
whole  boolc  smells,  as  one  of  our  old  porters  says  who  was  at  Waterloo, 
like  n  bit  of  carnage  three  days  arienvards. 

And  now,  Mr.  PhwH^  I  shall  Uv  down  my  bit  ot  iron.  I  only  wish 
to  repeat  that  we  want  no  reward  for  what  we  'vo  done— no  Htbkau 
n.ag — no  silver  warming-pan  for  our  wives — no  corals  and  bells  for  our 
bacoies.  What  we  did,  we  couldn't  help  doing— it  was  a  bit  of  whole- 
some indignation  that 's  done  us  g^ood :  and  so,  Mr.  Punf\  feeling  that 
virtue  is  its  own  reward,  whether  in  silver  or  in  ha'pence, 

I  remain  your  Constant  Header  and  (for  the  body  of  us) 

Bakclat  ako  FEBXCca'a  Dbaymah. 

F.S,  Some  of  the  gents  of  the  Press  call  for  the  treadmill  for  tha 
ruffians  (meaning  us)  that  thrashed  the  Tygcr-Cat.  Very  well  Praps, 
Mr.  Punchy  Gekeeal  Hyena  Hatkau  would  like  to  come  to  £b« 
Brewery  again  just  to  'dentify  us  ? 


FEATHERED  CHORISTERS  FOR  CANTERBURY. 

Thb  natural  historian  will  learn  ^th  interest  that  an  extraordinary 
migration  of  the  feathered  race  will  take  place  this  year.  Besides  the 
nightingales,  swallows,  cuckoos,  and  all  the  other  regular  birds  of 
passage,  a  large  flight  oi  goldfinches,  chaffinches,  greenfinches,  buMnchea, 
vellow-luunmers,  unnets,  robin-redbreasts,  wrena,  larks,  thniahes,  black- 
birds, toro-tits,  water-wagtails,  and  hedge-spairows,  will  take  their 
departure  from  these  shores.  "This  pretty  warbling  quire  will  join  the 
Cuiterbury  pilgrimage,  in  addition,  we  presume,  to  the  surpliced 
choristers  who  will  be  necessary  to  complete  the  character  of  that 
shovel-hat  exodus.    Our  Examiner  says,  that 

"  The  vmlffT&nt  vtttH*  for  Cantarbttiy,  In  New  ZeftUod,  DOt  only  cury  oat  hwa— , 
tnd  evnT  xux^wury  lor  domMdo  comfort  on  luidlnf,  but  srary  Tftrle^  of  CofUsh 
itnjTlDK-blrd,  which,  on  Uodlng,  the  ookinisu  wlU  nleut^  la  on)«r  tbAt  thsr  niftj 

piVp«gKt«." 

Together  with  their  singinj^-birds,  the  Canterbury  emigranta  should 
not  forget  to  carry  out  a  sufiicient  number  of  those  truly  coolcsiastical 
birds,  jackdaws  and  owls.  Their  oruitbological  exports  will  include  a 
great  many  geese,  of  course ;  for  such  must  be  the  caae  with  people  who 
arc  going  to  pay  three  pounds  an  acre  for  land  when  they  might  get  it 
for  one,  all  because  they  will  be  tied  to  a  Biahop'i  qjron-atring. 


Alarming  Prodigy. 

Th2  Seotimam  reUtes  that  one  of  the  lionesses  in  WoiCBvrzLL's  Royal 
Menagerie  has  gireu  birth  to  two  fine  cubs,  *'aiid,  strange  to  say," 
adds  our  Caledonian  contemporary,  "  they  ore  pure  white. '  We  are 
not  superstitious,  but  we  cannot  help  r^arding  this  circumstance  M 
very  porteutooa.  Wherever  a  White  Lion  has  appeared  hitherto,  it 
has  always  been  a  sign  to  tho  Public  (house). 


A  LncB  Bt  TffB  Electbio  TeLiCBJtfH.— The  form  of  Goverume*^ 
most  wanted  in  France  just  now  is  Tuk  Evfi&b  of  Reason. 


I 

i 


4 


Vol.  XIX,— 1850. 


V 


130 


PUNCH.  OH  THE  LONDON  CHaMVARI. 


^ 


SAGACITY    OF    THE   DOO. 


COST  c*  oan  consdlak 

ESTABLISHMENTS. 

We  lure  told  by  IiOiu>  Palmebstov 
that  wc  ought  to  pay  AmbasHadora  tea 
thauBond  a  vear,  ilmt   tluv  mar  be  en- 


fth't.l  lo  invTtc  a  ff 


(liruHT  now  and  f  i' 


ravellen 
.  wecoa- 
a,  wc  cio 
-  sort  of 


Wl    

The  ■ 
rive  hi 
where    1 

FALKJit 

will  cnabir  u^  lu  tr^'  ' 

boirL  while  heoonr' 

inicAuy  Kcts  oar  ii 

Cii.stoiii-Tioiisft.    TA .  -et 

60  much  to  the  salin  .\^- 

sarfors  anH  Consuls 

pciTonn  bumc  kin  i 

lUid  were  nut  :i'' ■■ 

ill  pcrsou  or  h 

(ivitft/irj  to   n^  ■  ._, 

lujwase, 

vaiuaUe  8cm>  ■         '*,:', 

bennrth  whi'- 

CO-*'     ■■'"    --"'■•       ...     ..,       ..^...  .....V 

III  'ii  not  he  curtailed  in  the 

w.r  iiinted  Rt. 


THB  COUKT  THAT  IS  ALWAYS  ADJOURNING. 


Thb  Commissionera  of  Scwcre  are  always  adjoiiraing.  The  only 
obu«t  of  their  incetuiK  seems  to  be  instantly  to  adjourn. 

Wft  have  known  thcra  to  ndjoiiru  four  times  at  one  meeting,  and  it  is 
considered  a  vcr>-  fair  day's  business  if  the  Court  only  adjourns  twice. 

On  the  occa-sion  when  we  hud  busiues^ — a  little  business  vhich 
involved  the  draining  of  a  very  unlieidtby  district  of  a  crowded  popula- 
tion of  600()  poor  people,  amongst  whom  fever  wits  then  raging,  and 
whioh  business  had  already  been  adjourned  frnm  two  prcnoos  meetings 
— there  wore  only  three  Comraissioners  present. 

It  seems  that  six  Commissioners  must  be  in  the  room  to  "make  a 
Court,"  and  as  there  are  rarely  mnre  than  four  or  live  who  altciuL  t!ie 
reader  mav,  perhaps,  be  able  to  form  a  shrewd  guess  how  it  is  that  the 
Oinrt  is  always  Rcljouming. 

The  Chairman  began  the  proceedings  as  usual,  by  adjotiming  the 
meeting  for  half  an  hour. 

During  that  half  an  hour  a  messenger  was  sent  off  to  a  Cominissioucr 
who  livea  in  Rusbell  Sciuare,  beggiiu;  bis  bmuedlate  attendance. 

'Fhe  answer  brought  back  was  that  the  Gomuiissioncr  "had  gone  to 
MargAte." 

The  CBAraUAN  "regretted  the  delay  exceedingly,  but,  under  the 
circuinstanccfi.  he  liati  no  other  remedy  than  lo  jidjouni  the  Court  for 
another  lialf  an  hour." 

A  Bali'  Ueadku  CoMMissiuNEB  remarked,  tluit  porhaps  it  would  be 

better  to  send  off  ihre/'t -'  •■  ■■■'-^'*  ■  i"-  '"^'oad  of  merely" '  •■  »"iio. 

^  The  Cuairman  tli.n  i  for  liis  aUi  .:<:»■ 

lion,  whicli,  he  fully  a^  .ive  time;  ai:  ions 

were  given  accordingly. 

The  Cli:ke  observed,  that  it  would  be  impossible  to  do  it  in  so  short 
a  space  of  time,  as  one  of  the  Conunissioners  lived  in  the  ^finories. 

The  CuAiOAtAN  said  he  had  but  one  duty  to  uerfurm,  and  that  would 
be  to  adjourn  the  Court  for  on©  hour,  instead- ot  half  an  hour. 

At  the  ttjwiration  of  the  hour,  it  was  discovered  that  two  Com- 
missioners had  answered  to  the  invitation.  This  occasioned  an  unusiuJ 
Btir  in  the  Court,  and  tlie  Chainuan  waa  about  to  proceed  to  business, 
when  a  voice  exclaimed,  "  Wo  are  only  five ! " 

"  It '«  perfectly  true — 1  'm  verr  much  obliged  to  you,"  said  the 
gentlemanly  Chairman,  bowing —  'I'm  very  sorry,  but,  at  this  period 
of  the  year,  it  is  very  ditficuU  to  get  gentlemen  to  attend.  Uowevcr,  we 
will  try  once  more.  Wc  will  adjourn  the  Court  for  another  half  an 
hour,  and  lliat  will  give  us  plenty  of'  tiino  lo  send  to  two  more  CiJm- 
mibsiouers,  one  of  whom  I  know  is  in  lown." 


Tlie  Court  was  onoe  more  adjourned,  and  two  messengers  wnrc  once 
more  despatched  in  two  cabs.  By-the-bye,  the  mnniuu  nro^nnt  for 
cabs  must,  at  the  end  of  the  year,  form  no  inconsideralil'  t^e 

general  expenses  of  the  Court  of  Sewers,  for  the  onlv  pi  "si 

transacted  seems  to  be  in  ntshing  about  in  cabs,  the  ^..  .."jM.uUin 
cabmen  must  feel  especially  thankful  to  a  Court  that  patronisrs  tD«ta  90 
largely. 

A  bountiful  supply  of  newspapers  helped  to  wile  away  the  tedious 
hour.  Those  Coinmissioiiens,  who  did  not  read,  wrote  notes,  and,  from 
the  QTiantitv  of  letters  whirh  durins:  the       .  .  "i-n, 

we  are  luelined  to  believe  Mmt  every  (■  'lii 

corrosp<3ndcuc«  "  for  a  sewer  d;iy,"  so  i;.^:   ^ ^  to 

occupy  himself  with  whilst  the  Court  is  domg  nothmg. 

At  laAt  the  two  messcnscrs  arrived,  but  no  Coffimissiongr!  One 
was  at  Baden-Baden,  and  tfie  other  had  taken  bis  family  to  ^remone^ 
to  see  a  balloon  ascent. 

It  WHS  now  half-past  two  o'elock.  Gentlemen  begnn  to  look  at  tlieir 
watches.  The  Chairman  looked  care-woni.  The  C'lrrk  forgi>t  him- 
self so  far  as  to  yawn.  Tlic  newsnapers  were  Iving  uu  W-.r  H. 
been  evidently  read  through  and  through,  !htpplirmm( 
paper  was  no  longer  touched.  Tlie  Commissioners  i. 
ana  were  looking  out  of  the  window.  Tlie  rhildri 
Square  seemed  pftinfuUy  to  interest  them,  ami  fiTim 
faces,  you  would  fhncy  they  were  so  many  unhnpii,  .  ..liJi. 
through  their  prison  oars.  The  number  of  Gimiuissioncrs  never  rose 
higher  than  five ;  at  a  quarter  past  three  it  had  i^unk  to  two.  and  the 
Chainuan  seeing,  that  if  he  remained  mueb  louder,  he  woul  he 

left  alone  with  the  Clerk,  very  wisely  adjourned  tlie  Court  le 

of  thanks  had  been  pmpo?pd  to  thfCliaimnm  "for  bis  imp; 
in  the  Ohflir,"  and  unanimously  carried,  the  rneelin|c  w&^ 
that  day  t  hree  months,  when  the  CbatrtuKii  "  hai>wi  six  CoiOij— -^-.^c;  -,  ..; 
least  would  be  present,  and  so  prevent  the  necessity  of  any  more  adjourn- 
ments, which  really  had  heeu  going  on  now  infinitely  too  long.** 

To  secure  this  desirable  state  of  things,  might  we  bo  allowed  to 
suggest  that  perhaps  it  would  be  better  to  have  Paid  CommisMon^ft, 
who  would  make  it  their  duty  to  attend,  instead  of  a  Board  of  6eatl& 
men  Commissioners,  who,  bemg  Umpaia',  make  a  favour  of  attending  \ 
The  ohanire,  we  are  vain  enough  to  believe,  might  be  the  cause  of » 
little  work  being  done,  for  wc  cannot  help  thinking  that  tjie  prcscnl 
Gentlemen  (if  }'ou  can  call  Gentlemen  present  who  never  are  so), 
are  not  working,  but  only  phjfinff  at  Scieert ! 


linving 

lio 

'  lis 

Ulg 


I 


I 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVAIIL 


PATRONAGE  OF  THE  DRAMA. 

KDOUBTEDLY     thifl      U 

too  bad.  No  sooner 
does  ft  man  of  ardent 
temperament  evince 
an  enlhtuUsm  — & 
little  odaiy,  to  bo 
sure,  but  then  is  it  not 
the  character  of  en- 
thufiia»m  to  be  wild  ? 
^than  the  diaplAy 
ia  made  a  police 
matter,  and  bail  is 
required  against  h 
repetition  of  the 
fftaerous  act.  One 
EowAiin  BisHOPi^  M) 
struck  hy  the  truth- 
ful acting  cif  Mr. 
Hiooif  of  the  Vi(s 
toria^  in  the  M<m»e^ 
_  that  he  dedic-aten  to 

~        "^^^  the   artist  "a  canli- 

fiower  of  some  uio^- 
nitude."  And  for  this  jialronagc  of  the  tram-potifmi  stAge,  the  piilron  is  ordered 
Ut  find  bail. 

We  advise  Ma.  Bisitor  to  carry  the  matter  into  a  higher  court.  Bouquets  much 
biffffer,  and  far  iesfc  useful,  than  a  oauliflou-cr  of  aome  magnitude,  are  reoeived  in 
fdLens  of  honour  nnd  distinrlion  flung  ul  tender  warhlrrs  and  fragile  fays — yet 
]1u;rii£  rcjcrf  '  '  ^wcr  ! 

ll,ul  the  I  'K^^n  thankfully  received,  on  some  future  night  an  aeknow- 

Icdifcd  honjjii^     .     tslic  druiaa,  betrayed  and  deserted,  niit'ht  have  received 

the  homage  of  a  bundh  of  turnips;  and  the  turnips  received  ^  tvery  well-meant 
ofl'erinK  ouf;bt  to  be,  patronage  tangible  and  iucreasmff  miffht  have  suooaeded.  The 
turnips  taken  in  good  part,  ia  it  too  much  to  believe  timt  legs  of  mutton  would  have 
followed  ? 

Mu,  BiHJioP  had,  but  disdained  to  make  use  of  it,  an  cxecllent  defence.  Thoi/birjw, 
it  appears,  ia  taken  from  the  French ;  and  Mh.  Bishop  thought  a  cauliflower  ought 
to  go  with  the  cabbage. 


the  delays  and  impedimenta  of  which  it  has  hern  tlie  proliSe 
cause,  we  think  we  nmy  safely  point  to  the  New  Uooaea  of 
Parliament  aa  the  greatest  Bajuit-casb  that  haa  ever  been 
erected  iu  Kugland, 


SONG  OF  THE  CAMBTUDGE  DON. 
Cowuso,  scowling  down  improvement — 

f'»iwi.iN(..  hruvliriL'  'cTiinst  A\  IT10V(^Uient — 

I'  i.iihlity— 

Si  stupidity — 

Tluit  'a  LhL  mail  for  ^SL.  Juhn'«  and  me, 

Tliol  's  the  man  for  the  'Varbity ! 

Jurist,  surest  opponent  of  Inw-rcfomi — 
Wrangler,  stmngler  of  ripe  or  raw  reform— 
SUimler  nnper  rianantiqnax, 
Riprht  or  wron^,  (eqttot  or  iniqnaie — 

Tliat  'a  the  man  for  St.  John's  and  mr, 

That 's  the  man  for  the  'Varsity ! 

Pig-headed,  bigottoi  heavy  as  lead — 
Cyclop,  with  eye  at  tne  back  of  hi&  head- 
Staunch  Protectionist — Iligh-Cburch  sectionist' 
To  new  lights  of  uU  sorts  pledged  obiectionist— 

That  'ft  the  man  for  St.  John's  ana  me, 

llmt  *s  tlie  man  for  the  'Vareity ! 


DIFFKRENCE  BETWEEN  FRENCH  AND  ENGLISH  BARRICADES. 

Tub  French  make  their  barricades  of  stones,  and  everything  thov  can  get  hold  of. 
If  there  is  an  omnibus  or  two  on  tlie  top,  so  much  the  better ;  but  their  barncadcs 
mrely  lafit  more  than  two  or  three  days. 

^Ve  English  make  our  barricades  ui  a  much  more  lasting  manner.  When  wo 
erect  a  barrirade,  it  is  a  good  one,  nnd  lasts  sometimes  for  a  month.  It  is  much 
more  dangerous,  too,  we  think,  than  its  Parisian  brother.  If  you  attempt  to  walk 
over  it,  the  chances  ore  that  yoa  will  be  precipit&tcd  down  a  ynnning  abyss  some  ^ 
SW)  feet  tindemcath  yon,  and,  when  you  recover,  that  you  may  find  yourself  flontina: 
down  the  Thames.  Tbo  paviourfL  and  ri^'al  gas-men,  t-ake  good  care  to  make  it  as ; 
formidable  as  possible,  so  tluit  all  thoroughfare  through  the  street  shall  be  completely  \ 
blocked  up  for  weeks  together.  Communication  Ktween  the  opposite  sidca  of  the 
street  is  even  cut  nfT,  and  if  two  shop-keepers,  who  fscc  each  other,  wish  to  exchange 
n  word  of  compliment  on  business,  ihey  must  do  so  through  tiieir  seoond-floor 
windows,  and  make  known  their  wiuits  through  the  friendly  medium  of  speaking 
trumpets.  It  i»  true  that  a  middle  path  ia  always  open  to  them  across  the  roa*l, 
and  rather  tfK>  nj)en,  for  if  they  attempt  to  cross  iK  and  meet  half-way,  tlicy  run 
the  risk  of  topping  over  the  narrow  plank,  and  ftnisliing  their  discussiou  at  the 
hoi  loin  nf  the  sewer,  or  else  clinging  on  to  a  projecting  gns-pipc^  with  their  legs 
dancing  midwny  in  the  black  atmosphere,  and  ^>ick-a.xes  flying  in  all  directions 
about  llu'ir  ears.  This  is  a  superior  kind  of  bamcadc  to  the  French  spedea,  and 
we  are  iudelttcd  to  our  gas  ana  water  comiMuiies,  and  our  Commissioners  of  Sewers, 
for  the  vabt  improvement. 

Another  kind  of  barricade  is  not  unfrcquently  produced  by  stones^  and  bricks  and 
mortar.    This  is  not  attended  with  the  same  danger  as  the  barricade  that  t&kee 
place  right  in  the  middle  of  the  street,  but  still  it  is  a  grent  noijiunce,  and  stops  up 
the  thoroughfare  fretmently  for  months.    This  sort  of  barricade  is  caused  by  building 
a  new  house,  the  scaffolding  of  which  runs  over  the  entire  pavement,  and  overflow* 
one  half  of  the  rood.    This  noisniice  is  more  applicable  to  public  buildings,  whi' 
are  not  renowned  for  the  ^me  rapid  mushroom  growth  as  pri>rate  dwellings- but  tal 
their  liine  about  it.    The  National  Gfdiery,  tnc  Neljon  Cohimn.  nud  tin 
of  Trafalgar  Square,  was  a  staudiu*  proof  of  this  tor  years  \  though  if  we 
want  of  a  great  illustration,  we  need  not  run  through  the  scaffoldmg-poles  o:  iDe 
IiAst,   when  we  have  so  prominentjv  in  >-iew  the  bulders  and  wheelbarrows  of 
the  present.     Look    at  the   New  nousea  of  Parliament,  with  what  a  sluggard's 
slowness  they  have  been  rising  out  of  the  bed  of  the  river !    In  fact  they  nrc  not 
"  up"  yet.  and  wUl  not  be  pnyiwrly  (Irc^fetl  T^n*!  finished,  we  will  mnkc  itny  v^^rr, 
for  several  yefirs  to  come^    They  do  not  impede  the  public  h  is 

Inic,  but  still  they  stop  the  way  of  public  business  ;  for  no  won  -^ 

hare  sometimes  such  a  difflcuity  in  "making  a  House/'  when  tm   arrinttf  i   ^vill 
not  make  one  for  them.    Taking  the  »lo«-nrss  of  the  building  into  considerHtiou,  and 


ALARMNQ  RAVAGES  OF  MICE  IN  THE  PARKS. 

Trk  Se^ion  being  over,  and  politics  in  abey;inoe,  in 
thfM'i"VMt  iiiiiesceut  stale  of  the  uomiuions  of  her  Majesty. 
ou;  "iiriea  are  reduced  to  ily  for  iutellipence  lo  the 

vc  I  animal  kingdorasL    One  of  them,  the  other 

da},  ihuugtii  it  necessary  to  call  public  attention  to  a  des- 
periitc  attack  made  by  a  sparrow-hawk  on  a  gotdtlnch. 
Wonderful  turnips  make  their  appearance  by  cartloads,  and 
a  regular  shooting  scASon  of  stars  has  oorameooed  in  the 
columns  of  the  journals.  The  sea-serpent  has  ainuD  shown 
himself,  in  spite  of  having  been  crushed  by  rBOFKssoB 
Owen,  and  continues  to  hold  up  his  head  at  intervals,  not- 
withstanding that  there  are  six  rifle-balls  in  it,  fired  by  as 
many  Irishmen,  right  through  his  eye.  For  our  part — 
always  prepared  to  comment  on  the  topics  of  the  day — we 
have  an  oh^erviitiou  to  make  on  the  extraordinary  raragos 
which  certain  Mioe  are  committing  in  the  Parks.  'Hm) 
west^irn  extremity  of  St.  James's  Park  is  laid  completely 
waste;  the  plantation  which  formerly  flourished  there  lutring 
been  destroyed  as  if  by  locusts.  A  large  portion  of  the 
Qrccn  Park  is  disfigured  by  an  iudosurc  of  wood*  which 
these  insignificant  out  mischievous  creatures  have  con- 
structed to  surround  the  Marble  Archly  way  of  hoarding, 
for  much  longer  than  the  winter.  The  damage  done  bjr 
these  animals  in  the  Parks  wdl  cost  from  first  to  hist,  it  la 
apprehended,  at  least  £:17,000  or  £18.000. 

By  a  tnuisit  ion  from  Natural  Hist  ory  lo  Moral  Philosophy 
— aiid  Uking  into  ac<?ount  the  circmiiiitaucc  of  the  sittmga 
of  Parliauii'ut  being  suspended,  and  Mn.  Joskdi  Hukb, 
as  well  as  the  most  iuffucnilal  {lorsoiis  of  the  mutrDpidls, 
being  out  of  town — mc  may  rcnuu-k  that  the  conduct  of 
these  mice,  which  constitute  the  Woods  and  Forests Tuiety 
of  the  mouse,  only  serves  to  exemplify  the  good  old  adage, 
that  "  when  the  cat  i$  away  the  mice  will  play." 


Tribute  to  HAynau. 


"  A  LETTta    from   Vicmia,"   says  the   MorniMo  Pod^ 

"slates  that  G£N£iuL  Baaon  Hainau  is  to  be  imnu- 

i:..  I.  ,„..,.i  ♦-  .>r- ^ft-Tuy  of  Field-Marshal."    Byjpring 

.l*s  tui^JMj  the  Austrian  QovenL- 

it»  gratitude  towaxds  him;  but 

Auuld  cviui  liisyeminK  sense  of  Uis  sorrioes 

It  were  to  1  .1.  wUh  a  tiangman's  cat.    Pexad- 

vcuture  the  /^jf*»   i^  meant  to  compensate  the  woman- 

whipperfor  that  stick  which  he  was  obliged  to  cut  the 

other  day. 

A  qUBSTlO!*  TO  THE    FBENCIf. 

Now  be  candid,  and  tcU  the  truth !  Would  you  not 
be  gUd  to  part  with  all  your  chiingc  if  you  coidd  but  get 
a  good  Sovereign  ?  \ 


I 


132 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


» 


:i 


LONDON   IN   1831. 


THE  STOCKS  IN  \ID  OF  TIIE  PULPIT. 

We  aU  know  that  secular  and  religious  msiniction  ought  to  be 
united:  indeed  that  the  former  is  not  worth  a  button,  unless  combmed 
with  the  latter.  Therefore  everybody  agrees  that  religion  must  be 
taught  by  all  means.  In  tlie  meantime  nobody  has  succeeded  hitherto 
in  devLsuig  any  means  by  which  it  may  be  taught  efTectuaUy.  The 
afTeotions  rather  than  the  intcEect  have  to  be  tutored— there  is  the 
difficulty.  It  is  easy  to  cram  the  head  with  creeds :  but  how  to 
inspire  the  heart  with  pious  sentiments  ?  Rejoice,  all  men,  to  know  that 
this  discovery — wliichj  of  course,  infinitely  beats  the  invention  nf  the 
Electric  Telegraph— has  been  made ;  and  that,  will  it  be  believed  ?  by 
some  humble  country  magistrates  whoso  very  names  aie  at  present 
tinknown.  The  Lincoh^kirv  TYn^f  first  announced  it  to  the  world  in 
the  subjoined  unassummg  ^agraph,  which  we  copy  from  the  Morning 
Po^if  under  a  heading  famished,  we  suspect,  by  our  oligarchical  con- 
temporary : — 

"Salittass  PumfBKKVT.— G&loBtKtroQgh  fau  been  k«pt  loft  Btita  of  eouidtrftble 
aseltonHDt  diirinc  Um  irmk.  by  tba  cxhibtOoa  of  ■  Dumber  of  boyi  bAiOff  pUotd  la 
the  tlocJu  la  the  Mu-ket-plue,  fvt  the  crime  of  Bundnf  gaming.  Tuej  w«ra  MDleneef 
to  bo  confiDCd  three  houn  e&cb ;  two  of  them  bad  their  tarn  on  MoodBjr  mondBf. 
between  the  boors  of  BCTen  and  one ;  otberv  were  oonfliMd  oo  Wedandjiy  ana 
"niundsj." 

This  is  the  way  to  teach  the  proper  obserrance  of  the  Sabbath,  andt 
hr  parity  of  reason,  religious  knowledge  at  large.  Rightly  to  direct 
tae  steps  of  youth — put  their  feet  in  the  stocks.  How  beautifully 
simple !  Whilst  the  philosophical  preceptor  is  perplexing  himself  in 
the  endeavour  to  soften  callousne-ss  and  ciuivcn  stupidity,  so  as  to  beget 
some  sort  of  sensibility  to  celestial  influences,  the  Gainsborough 
justices  solre  the  problem  in  a  trice  by  their  converting  apparatus. 
The  annoyance  of  an  uncomfortable  position  and  the  stimulus  of 
banter  must  obviously  produce  the  impression  which  the  Post  or  the 
Lincolnskira  Timet  calls  "  salutary ; "  in  other  words  must  dispose  the 
mind  of  the  patient  to  serious  and  oontritc  meditation.  No  doubt 
the  stocks  have  couvinoed  these  boys  of  the  wickedness  of  Sunday 
chuck-farthing ;  for  it  is  not  probable  that  they  desecrated  the  da^ 
by  iamaqunHeif  or  any  other  species  of  gambling  equally  high,  llns 
is  the  age  of  machinery;  but  here  we  have  a  mechauical  instru- 
ment performing  a  spiritual  function:    the  stocks  saperseding  the 


preacher.  The  Gainsborough  authorities  must  really  send  this  inf^ 
nious  instrument— their  contrivance  for  the  conversion  of  juvenilfl 
sinners— to  (he  Exhibition  of  1851,  to  be  tried  by  all  those  who  arc 
willing  to  put  their  foot  in  it. 


THE  FRATERNAL  DEMOCRATS. 

WiiEN  folks  of  choicest  respectability  and  best  education  champion 
Haysau  as  only  the  sanguinar)-  tool — tae  material  whip  or  sabre  in  the 
hand  of  Austria  and  therefore  ask  for  him  the  most  charitable  construc- 
tion of  the  soloier'a  dastardly  and  bloody  doings — thev  ought  not  to 
marvel  when  the  unleame-d  humble  ^ive  utterance  to  their  exultation 
at  the  rough  teaching  of  the  executioner  at  the  henceforth  historical 
brewery  oT  Barclay  asd  Pekkins.  A  few  persons  self-dubbed  the 
Fraternal  Democrats,  have  met  to  express  their  sympathy  with  the 
teacher  draymen;  but  wc  should  hone  that,  however  the  teachers  may 
receive  the  meaning  of  goodwill  tncy  T^nll  reject  the  mode  in  which 
such  sympathy  is  expressed.  One  fraternal  speaker  declared  his 
poignant  regret  that  UAT^f  au  had  not  been  boiled  in  a  vat ;  another 
niirof  brotherly  love  was  profoundly  touched  that  the  General  had  not 
been  sent  to  the  infernal  regions  to  keep  a  place  for  his  msstcr.  All 
this  is  very  wrong;— but  when  we  find  Austria  supported  in  choioert 
leading  arncles  written  by  schoUrs  and  gentlemen,  are  we  to  wonder  at 
the  strong  Doric  of  costermongers,  speaking  in  opposition  ? 

As  for  the  Fraternal  Democrats,  whence  —  after  snch  homicidal 
aspirations — do  tiiey  derive  their  fraternity?  From  Abel?  Surely 
not ;  but  from  Abel's  brother.  We  advise  them  straightway  to  drop 
the  eoimecUon. 

No  doubt  these  men,  in  their  way,  admire  Liberty ;  but  we  would  as 
soon  trust  the  mountain  nymph  to  admiring  sat>Ts,  as  resign  Liber^ 
to  the  brotherly  love  of  the  Fraternal  Domodrats. 


ATTRACTIOS  OF  THE  BOTTLE. 

Soia  "  bottle-nose  whalea "  have  been  seen  off  Ireland.    It  is  bul 
fair  to  infer,  then,  that  they  were  pointing  their  noses  towards  Cork. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE   REAL  STATE  OF  THE  CASE. 

Pram  Ot  •'  Oim  Oarr*»/um4»iU"  ^t^-  WUntr  ZHtrng: 

LL  the  facts  of  the 
consuiracf  to  which 
our  beloved  hero  bad 
Utely  wellnigh  fallen 
a  victim,  have  been 
trarc^l  tot  heir  Bourcc: 
and  we  can  stflte  from 
imdisputcd  authority 
that  the  Baaciat- 
pEKKiHSisn  dray- 
men were  not  in  the 
slightest  decree  ini- 
ohcRt^d  in  that  nc- 
larious  transaction. 
Neither  is  it  tntc  that 
Babciat  and  Peb- 
xms  had  engaged 
ypcnch  or  German 
brewers,  as  ill  -  in- 
formed aecounUhave 
averred,  the  EngUah 
being  brutally  pre- 
judi^  in  favour  of 
their  own  method  of  brewing,  and  preferring' that  horrid  compound  of  treacle  and  logwood,  Ac. 
(in  which  negroes  are  continually  boiled),  to  the  purer  and  thinner  beverage  of  the  coutioents 
of  Europe. 

And  as  the  British  beat  their  wives,  and  arc  encouraged  by  law  to  do  so,  Rwar  with  a  stick 
tliat  is  only  fingor-lhick  it  is  not  to  he  siiniiosrd  that  the  correction  of  a  female  hy  the  rod, 
as  performed  by  the  orders  of  the  officers  of  His  Imperial  and  Koyal  Miucst)'.  in  the  evor-mcmo- 
rablc-and-over-the'Hungarians-\'ictoriou9  campaign,  ahould  inspire  any  indignation  in  the 
Tluunes  capital.  The  rc&l  truth  has  only  lately,  aim  in  an  irrefragable  manner,  come  to  light. 
Spies  or  Government  subordinates  were  set  upon  the  dwelling  of  the  Field  Marshal  so  soon 

aa  Ilis  ExccUcucy  reached *b  ;  nor  of  this  can  it  complained  be,  as  the  practice  is  adopted 

universally  in  our  owii  mrcntal  state.  And  it  being  ascertained  that  he  was  about  to  visit  the 
Basciay-Pericjksisii  Brewery,  the  enemies  of  this  great  man,  who  are  the  enemies  of  order 
and  peace  in  Europe,  determined  this  great  pcauje-and-ordersnpporter  to  destroy. 

Emiasariea  of  tlie  F O were  aespatched  to  Bank  side  to  agitate  the  thousand 

workmen  there ;  but  these  men,  knowing  notJiing  of  foreign  disputes,  and  careless  whether 
Fbau  Von  Madebabacu  liad  or  had  not  met  with  a  treatment  wluch  is  of  daily  occurrence  in 

£ngland,  refused  to  listen  to  the  instigations  of  the  Minister  of  the  F O— — ,  and  that 

spirit  of  mischief  was  left  to  work  for  himself. 

Two  hundred  thousand  barrels  doppcl  X,  two  thousand  tuns  of  "stout/'  two  hundred 
fifty-two  thousand  "hockshcads"  of  schweips"  were  ordered  for  the  Court  cellars  from 
MxssBs  Bahclat  and  Fkhrixs,  and  the  pnoc  of  the  ccrevisian  supply  £175,000,  that  instant 

paid  by  Loud  P .  with  a  check  at  sight  on  the  First  Lord  of  the  Treasury. 

Barclay  was  maae  a  Realm-Pcen  under  the  title  of  Baron  Swipington;  his  eldest  son 
a  Bishop ;  and  his  daughter  a  Maid  of  Honour. 

Perkins  was  created  Knight  of  the  Garter  of  the  first  class,  and  Colonel  of  the  10th 
Guard  Kegiment ;  his  son  was  raised  from  the  rank  of  Midslupmite,  Marine-Officer  of  the  10th 
class,  and  made  Admiral  of  the  Blue ;  Mrs.  Perkjns  was  created  Count«ss  Tunbridge, 
—for  Pbhkins,  pretending  to  be  of  the  popular  party,  refuses  any  title  but  his  own  of  simple 
baronet,  which  gives  him  his  sent  in  the  Unlcr-baus. 

By  these  bribes  to  the  chiefs,  and  by  tlie  promise  that  B Parliament's  mitgliep  for 

the  grafscluift  of  Middlesex,  would  give  the  men  and  their  families  a  whitebait  *'  ^ed "  at 
Qreenwidge,  the  men  of  the  Barclay  and  Perkin.sish  establishment  were  withdrawn  from 

the  Brewery,  and  their  places  were  supplied  by  the  clerks  of  ibc  F O— — . 

LoRi)  V — ..  the  Secretary  for  F—n  AffairSj  Lord  E.,  the  Under  Secretary,  each  commanded 
a  division.  Lord  P.  wore  a  shuvel-hat,  wtuch  by  Bishops  and  draymen  is  alone  worn  in 
Briton.  Lord  E.  was  in  breeches  of  crimson  plusli,  with  the  national  boots  cidled  high-lows. 
Herk  0.  F.  G.  X.,  and  the  runners  and  oBicialfi  of  the  otlice,  were  placed  about  the  premises, 
along  with  the  most  athletic  Members  of  the  House  of  Commons,  who  support  the  desperate 
"icy  of  the  Foreign  Minister. 

len  His  Excellency  the  Baron  appeared,  the  signal  was  given  by  the  overthrowing  of  a 
grain-shovel  full  on  his  head,  and  then  the  attack  took  ptaoe  whereof  our  papem  have  given  an 
BfX)ount  only  too  faithful,  and  for  which  every  subject  of  His  Majesty  the  Emperor  ot  Austria 
ind  KiKO  OP  HuvGAAY  will  demand  a  bloody  reparation.  You  may  rely  on  this  account  as 
the  only  genaine  one,  

INTERPHETATION  OF  AMERICAN  SENTIMENTS. 

KotsCTB  in  captiyity— from  which  speedy  liberation  to  him— writing  to  General  Cas3 — 
calls  that  officer  "  a  worthy  interpreter  of  the  generous  sentiments  of  the  great  American 
people." 

iTJe  brave  Hungarian  may  not  know,  perhaps,  that  certain  sentiments  of  the  great  American 
people  require  interpretation,  and  that  of  a  vtry  partial  kind,  to  be  understood  as  generous. 
Their  notion  of  human  flesh  being^if  black— 'a  species  of  property,"  bespeaks  a  sentiment 
rather  short  of  generosity.  The  sentiments,  too,  which  dictated  tfieir  recent  law,  in  rejjsrd 
to  nuuwa;;  slaves,  need  a  clever  interpreter  to  reconcile  them  with  anything  bite  nobdity 
or  magnanimity,  except  a  magnanimous  Contempt  uf  the  Christian  ruligioa,  and  alnoble 
dinvgard  of  common  justice  and  humanity. 


•"ii^i 


THE  DUKE  IN  THE  PARKS. 

The  Dvkx  of  Welunoton  has  been  ap- 
pointed to  the  Rangersbip  of  the  parks.  For 
manjr  years  he  hns,  by  bronze  proxy,  and  almost 
in  primitive  gardening  attire,  held  Rongcrship  of 
Hyde  Park  ;  but  uow  he  is  actual  Rauger  on  full 
service.  The  Times  hopes  that  His  Grace  will 
turn  his  attention  to  the  iniprovement  of  tii!i 
nominal  domains ;  and  Puitch  is,  of  course,  ready 
with  a  practioal  suggc^ttton. 

The  greatest  uf  men  have  delighted  to  end 
where  the  tlrst  man  began,— iuagardcn;  Cowuty'a 
picture  of  Diooletian  in  the  shade  i-i  iu  these 
davs,  familiar  to  tlie  lightest  reader.  AifirW)V(Tr, 
veterans  delight  to  lip;ht  their  battles  over  again. 

Therefore,  says  PunrA,  let.  the  Duke  r "  ■■ ' * 

two  delights  ^  and  whiUt  soothing  1 
with  the  amcuty  of  trees,  and  shrubs, :  . 

— let  him.  in  a  mauncr.  so  lay  out  aud  plant 
Hyde  Park,  that  the  world  may  have  green  and 
gTOwinj;  recoUootiona  of  two  or  three  of  the 
mightiest  achievements  of  AnTHun,  the  Ranger. 
Thus,  the  Uukc  might  give  us  Torres  Vedrns 
beautifully  laid  out ;  and  cverv  year  describe, 
upon  a  smal)  scale,  the  field  of  VVuterloo,  marking 
the  different  armies  with  diJerent  coloured 
rockets,  double  and  single.  Notliing  could  be 
prettier  than  to  have  a  field  of  battle  rendered 
m  flowers :  things  of  death  and  bloodshed  "  tnni'd 
to  prettiness  and  favour."  A  very  rcspcclablo 
Belgian  Lion  might  be  planted  and  cut  in  cedar; 
a  lion  that  should  afford  from  its  tail  and  mane 
a  sfirig  for  the  button-hole  of  every  member, 
foreign  and  British,  of  the  Peace  Congress,  who, 
in  Hyde  Pork,  would  hold  most  triumphant 
gatherings.  The  Vxikc,  in  his  dav,  has  surely  had 
sufficient  of  parks  of  artillery — tficre  is  now  open 
to  him  a  new  command  iu  the  layini^out  of  parks 
of  timber ;  narks  with  walks  in.structively  onfered, 
and  beautilullv  iliustraled.  With  just  half-a- 
dozen  lessons  from  Mr.  Paxton,  and  F.  M.  Tur 
Duke  op  Wzllimgion  will  cultivate  ficsh 
laurels  on  the  flelds  of  Hyde  and  St.  James. 
And  thus,  instead  of  rushing  to  see  the  Duke 
review  the  Household  Troops,  we  shall  have  all 
the  world  at  gaze,  delighted  with  WELLUiGToy's 
Tulip  Show. 


THE  VERNON  GALLERY'S  HOLIDAY. 

Passing  tlie  other  day  the  end  of  Pall  Mall, 
our  ere.  which  is  always  tumbling  from  side  to 
side,  tell  upon  the  ^tes  of  Marlborou^li  House, 
where  we  read  the  intimation  that  "  The  N'emon 
Gallery  is  closed  for  the  bolidnys."  The  idea  of 
pictures  requiring  a  holiday,  struck  us,  at  first, 
as  rather  odd,  but  when  wc  remembered  how  long 
the  unfortunate  inmates  of  the  Vernon  GaUery 
were  confined  in  a  dark  cellar,  we  fett  that  to 
grudge  them  a  holiday,  for  the  puriKJse  of  getting 
a  little  fresh  air.  would  hare  been  an  act  m 
cruelty.  Many  a  painting  which  had  be«ii  ouoe 
"the  picture  of  health,"  had  begun  to  lose  its 
colour  in  the  black  hole  at  Trafalgar  Square, 
and  wo  have  no  doubt  the  holiday  has  l>een  giren 
in  the  hope  that  the  memliers  of  th«  gallery  may 
find  means  of  renovating  their  frames,  and  im- 
proving their  complexions,  after  the  very  Ions 
confinement  they  underwent  in  the  close  crowdea 
cellar  to  which  public  parsimony  and  bad  tlLst« 
had  confligned  them. 


The  Foree  of  Experience. 

It  seems  that  the  Constabulary  force  is  to  take 
the  Census  of  Ireland  next  year.  This  apooint- 
ment  is  not  so  ridiculous  as,  at  first  sight,  it 
may  appear ;  fur,  with  the  pugnacious  habits  oC 
the  country,  it  stands  to  reason  that  none  are  80 
well  qualined  for  taking  the  Irish  popolatioa  «»> 
the  Constabulary, 


I 


^■^a.**?*^- 


■^ 


134 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAIIL 


BYRON'S    MAZEPPA. 

Astlby's  Edition, 

STLRy's   hns  lomr  been  the  Tkedire.  His- 

ferine  of  the  Surrey  Side  of  the  water 
wlien*  IliP  Htiidcnt  may  linve  seen  pi^culiar 
UgM*— lliL»  (Iraiiuilio  foolligbta  —  thrown 
upou  some  of  tbe  principal  events  of  botli 
the  i.ii.i'  t>t  ;.'  '1  t  K^.l.-ni  era. 

N*.  it  our  histories,  the 

adiiiii'  ir:r's  have  sometimes 

(fliipu  \.>\jt  lAU'i.i  in  hand,  and  BYnnK'fi 
Mu2cripi*  h.n.«.  for  some  (Ime,  enjoyed  the 
bcneivl  of  an  Ain|)lii-(hpairiral  edition.  Tlic 
ability  and  surcesy  with  which  this  baa 
been  Drought  out,  may  be  judged  firom  the 
fact  of  the  ^rcftt  popularity  of  the  Astlky 
version,  of  which  there  has  been  a  re-issue 
this  year,  and  we  were  present  not  long  ago,  with  some  thousand  or 
two  of  other  subscriber;^,  on  the  cightv  sonietnin^h — we  plea*!  guilty  to 
the  ooioixig  tuid  ultennK — oi  ■    ■    '    ''  '^-^  delivery. 

There  arc  some  importiu  '  <   froui   the  text  of  Bybon  in 

the  A«Ti.BV'8  edition,   as    '  i  ng  analysis  of  the   latter  wiD 

testify  :— 

The  curtain  riaes  on  a  court-yard,  with  «  sentinel  on  the  watch,  whose 
duU-,  liie  tho&e  of  atagt  sentinels  in  general,  appears  to  be  to  inistake 
all  uaman  voices  for  the  wind^  and  to  see  nothing.  While  he  is  pacing  the 
pmcticnble  platform,  a  portion  of  the  "  Machiitrrv  hy  Mr.  H.  Smith" 
— a  stalwart  form— that  of  Mb.  Hicks— crosses  the  stage,  and  invoke* 
Olifuka  in  a  voice  which  induces  the  sentinel  to  remark  on  tiie  iouduess 
of  tlic  wmd,  and  to  walk  off  at  the  \rina^--a  palpable  desertion  of  lus 
post— for  the  purpose,  probably,  of  ascertaining  '  what 's  in  the  wind," 
insteaa  of  looking  before  him  to  find  out  who  Is  in  the  court-yard. .  The 
coast  beiiur  quite  clear,  Ofinika,  a  young  creature  in  Ailelaide  boots  and 
a  brown  suk  Polka,  appears  at  a  window,  from  which  she  issues  to  stand 
upon  a  sort  of  coping  stone — for  there  is  no  balcour.  The  interview  is 
not  very  satisfactorj",  for  Oiiaska.  seized  ^nth  a  sudden  sense  of  the  im- 
propriety of  the  pnjceedings,  declares  she  will  have  "  no  more  of  tliis." 
That,  in  fact,  Mu.  Hicks  must  "  ask  Papa,"  and,  hopping  off  the  ledge, 
she  retiree  within  the  window. 

The  next  scene  reveals  the  fact,  that  OUnska  lias  been  promised  to  a 
Palatine  whom  she  has  never  set  eyes  on,  and  Mr.  Hiors,  who  seems 
to  get  a  private  interview  with  the  young  lady  whenever  the  eiigencies 
of  the  plot  rcgiiirc  it,  proposes  a  flight  to  the  Desert.  At  this  vHnska 
turns  patriotic,  and  wont  go  among  *' her  country's  enemies  ; "  when 
her  papa  coming  in,  takes  no  further  notice  of  her  tgU-u-tete  with  Mji. 
Hicks,  than  to  appoint  !iim  "  officer  of  the  men-at-arms."  or  head  beef- 
eater. The  arrival  of  Olimka'it  intended  now  takes  place,  conibiuing 
"  a  splendid  cavalcade  "  of  six  horses,  who  will  insiiit  on  dancing  to  the 
music,  and  the  rear  is  brought  up  bv  a  sort  of  Frendi  bedstead  on 
wheels,  from  betwoou  the  curtains  of  which  issues  the  "  werry  identical" 
Palatine.  We  had  forgotten  to  mention  tliat  the  emiegt  is  received 
and  marshatind  by  a  comic  Ckamherlain  of  the  Hou-'*9hof<i,  '  ^vllo 
eichiims  every  now  and  then,  "I  believe  you,  my  boy"  to  DroUfuko 
a  sort  of  facetious  gentleman -usher,  rcpret*entf<i  by  tliat  reuownea 
"clown  to  the  ring,"  the  famous  Baiuiy.  Mr.  Htcks  is  in  a  friglitful 
state  daring  the  whole  proceedings.  Apostrophising  his  "  rebel  uaiure  " 
as  he  would  a  too  playfid  pnppv,  he  desires  it  to  "keep  down-"  he 
shalces  his  fist  at  everybody  ana  everything,  though  nobodv  sees  him. 
He  mutters  "vengeance  or  death"  m  OwuJka'a  ears,  ana  not  only 
excnnilitics  the  great  truth,  that  "  none  are  so  blind  as  tnose  who  won't 
sec ;  hut  also  tlint  in  refusing  to  see,  there  is  none  more  resolute  than 
a  dramatic  rival,  father,  ehamberlaiii,  attendant^  or  courtier.  On  the 
night  of  our  visit,  the  energetic  tragedian  positivelv  tumbled  over  a 
wnole  row  of  tassel-lw>otcd  feet  of  nobles,  wliicli,  if  the  I'olish  aris- 
tocracy are  as  liable  to  corns  as  our  peerage  must  bo,  judging  from  the 
great  Kisenberg  testimonials,  must  Imvg  rendered  them  painfully 
sensible  of  Mr.  Kicks's  presence. 

Wb  next  find  the  lovers  enjoying  another  te(^-^4ii«  without  any  one 
being  at  hand  to  look  after  the  youiig  ladv  or  to  collar  and  kick  out  the 
fenUcman.  He  reproaches  her  as  a  "  fair  pestilence  "  a  "  beauteous 
tteflBon;'*  he  miiriit  as  wcU  call  her  a  "lovely  mea&le,"  a  "precious 
rheumatism,"  or    an  enchanting  burglary;^*  and  she,  overpowered  by 


with  his  eyes  and  ears  shut,  during  the  whole  time,  prepares  to  escori 
Otinska  to  the  Ton-T.^MKriit  Tlw-  t, .^^ru..^.■  ^^n^po  off  m  sight  of  Oliuska, 
Papa,  and  the  1'  mental  shed;  while 

Mb.  Hicks  and  ^■'  i  <  v  then  witli  lances, 

and,   ultimately,  havui;^  couio  to  ;  ,.(-it  each  other  with 

their  helmela.    Mr.  JIicks,  of  f  ,   cvciy  thing  that 

comes  in  his  way,  and  lias  a  wreath  tirupp<ru  oa  o  uj!ihead  from  the  hand 
of  OUnnka.    Papa,  who  has  no  doubt  found  it  dry  work,  calls  for  a 


goblet,  and  drinks  the  liealth  of  the  affianced  pair  in  a  long  draught  trf 
wool — the  usual  dramatic  beverage, 

Tlie  toumameiit  is  closed  in  by  a  pair  of  flats  which  fecm  ths 
Palatine's  bedroom,  and  we  fmd  tlic  Palatine  escorted  to  bed  by  aeTcml 
alleudanls,  with  ordinary  links— audi  as  arc  used  by  our  rtiodeni  link- 
boys — and  who  leave  him  to  undress  and  "turn  in  '  by  the  light  of  a 
sofitary  candle.  He  is  just  gouia  to  make  himself  oomiortable  for  the 
night  when  a  gentleman  in  n  black  velvi^l  (lriss!iit!.gown.  put  on  the 
wronf  side  before,  comins  open  at  the  b;>  ]  laying  a  Unre  rvd 

oroBB  on  the  wearer's  diest,  rushes  iu.  .^  ^*a  the  Palatine  to 

sin^e  "cuinbut."    A  fight  ensues,  the  Pakttiuc  iiclds,  '■  -  r's 

dress  comes  otT  all  in  one  piece,  as  if  be  waa  going  to  'to 

Harlequin,  and  Mb.  Hicxa  stands  revealed  before  ns;  al^aiu  i^.ii:>  are 
rung ;  OltHska's  pnpa  appears,  and  dooms  Mk.  Hjcks  to  be  aent  adhft 
on  the  buck  of  a  wild  norse  t!mt  Ima  been  found  quite  untameable. 
The  horw  is  broi:  to  show  off  the  animai's 

wildness  to  the  !<  >Lk  on  his  two  blnd-lega. 

and  by  various  pinches  iru-^  to  ingiii''Ti  hi;n  into  a  su^ciont  state  Cn 
savageneas.    The  brute,  of  whom  Hyrnn  says— 

*■  'Twms  but  A  lUy  be  tiad  been  uacbt," 

but  who  is,  iu  fact,  a  veteran  member  of  Batty's  stud,  a  most  Att«i)tiv6 
horse  (o  his  business — never  miaeing  ■  cue.  or  capering  at  a  reheftXML 
but  always  vrith  his  eye  on  the  sta^e  manager — is  thpu  led  off  Ihot 
Mu,  Hicks  may  be  fastened  on  to  his  back,  and  a  si  ■-.  being 

shaken  on  the  O.  P.  side,  t)io  aniitial  darts  aeross  t!  in  the 

P.  S.  wing  to  ni^G  for  the  tempting  provender.  A  i.. .-..  .-,•<.■  being 
stationed  at  the  exit  from  each  of  the  three  ranges  of  platfomis,  the 
sagacious  beast  canters  from  side  to  side  in  pursuit  of  com  under 
difficulties. 

In  the  next  scene  we  have  the  horse  standing  as  quiet  as  a  hunbi 
chewing  a  bean  given  him  to  keep  him  steady — most  prob  ' '  h^ 

adroit  hand  of  Maxppa  himself,  who  atlributI^s  the  courser :  /; 

to  "exhausted  nature"  instead  of  to  the  farinaceous  botJ.K,..  ....i  iuu 

just  been  administci-ed.  The  bean  being  discussed,  and  the  wcU-Jmown 
sound  of  the  com-sieve  being  heard  at  the  wing,  the  horse  moves 
towards  the  "old  familiar"  measure,  and  Mr.  HicxtL  exclaiming 
"  Again  he  urges  on  his  wild  career,"  is  carried  off  by  the  busiuess-like 
qxmdruped. 

In  the  next  scene  we  lind  him  between  two  set  neces  of  water,  one 
of  which  hsa  a  wolf's  head  nailed  on  to  the  to^.  which  the  hand  of  • 
carpenter  alternately  raises  and  depr»isas,  while  a  judicious  mamage- 
ment  of  a  few  onts  by  another  hand  keeps  the  mouth  of  the  horso 
ccmtinually  bobbing  up  and  down  to  give  it  a  sort  of  undulat  injc  movement, 
AVhile  this  is  going  on,  that  "well-known  property/'  the  old  tbe«tricai 
"bird  of  prey,"  who  flapped  hia  wmgs  lor  one  hundred  suecessivB 
nights  in  Drr  tWirfhuts^  and  who  having  lost  all  his  youthful  buoyancy, 
is  obligpd  to  be  supported  in  the  air  by  wire*;-  i»n,t  f.-.'linrnl  rii*.p..Vi#ir 
who  looks  likea  couple  of  funeral  phimct-  i- 

broom  for  a  body;  comes  and  hovers  over  --  inj 

"expecting  raven"  who  is  supposed  to  be  wuiiiag  to  piok  a  \hl  td'  ]^Iu. 
UiCKS  at  the  earliest  opirortunity.  An  apropos  display  of  outs  at  the 
wing,  sets  the  horse  once  more  in  motion ;  until  at  lengili  a  storm 
opportunely  comes  on,  wliich  knocks  down  a  t'ee,  behind  which  four 
grooms  are  enabled  to  tic  the  aiumal's  legs,  hold  liim  down  by  his  taiL 
and  otherwise  pronare  him  to  show  the  effects  of  "exhausted  nature, 
when  the  tree  is  cleared  away,  and  a  tnbhttu  is  disoovered,  in  which  the 
horse  is  seen  thoroughly  worn  out,  with  the  exhausted  Mju  Hick5  still 
secured  to  him.  Tlie  liorse  has,  it  seems,  found  his  way  to  Tartwr, 
where  there  is  a  poor  old  Khan  in  a  very  tottering  state,  who  ought  to 
be  called  a  water-khan,  for  ho  is  constantly  in  tcar«^  which  flow  still 
more  rapidly,  when  he  diseovers  in  Ma.  Hicks  his  "chdd!"  his  "boy  !  " 
his  "long-lost  son!"  who  is  rceogiiised  bv  a  "jewelled  star"  on  his 
"  boosora,"  which  tliousli  so  tremendously  sbakeu,  has  never  been  taken 
away  from  him.  The  IChan  has  two  conn}iring  generals,  who  want  hia 
throne — a  small  cnmp-stool  brought;  on  by  a  stsigc-oarpenter — and  hta 
sceptre — a  sort  of  dusting-bnish  made  of  feathers,  and  used  f'»r  dnvting 
picture4rarae8.    The  Khan  has  a  court  of  three  faithful  U 

very  \tmm  beards  of  very  white  tow,  and  rather  scanty  oIouk-  jy 

made  ot^the  ssine  piece  of  stuff,  as  if  the  elders  had  bought  between 
them  a  cheap  remnant. 

The  conspiring  grnerals  have  got  twelve  soldiers,  who  say  "We  Will !" 
to  everytiiing  thai  is  proposed ;  but  when  a  dispute  arises  between  the 
Klian  and  the  rebel  chief,  the  former  orders  a  curtain  to  be  dmu-Ti  iwMr., 
and  the  very  same  twelve  men— we  know  them  again  by  th<  s 

-are  standing  ready  drawn  up  to  aasist  their  Sovereign  m  n- 

telligible  plan  for  "invading  Polauo."  Ma.  Uicks  himseU,  uuw  the 
acknowleaged  heir  of  the  Knan,  \?>  phiced  at  the  head  of  the  cavaliT — 
a  body  of  six  in  chintz  dressing-gowns — and  mounts  the  "Wild  Hon^" 
whoso  wildness  has  all  been  taken  out  of  him  by  a  good  feed,  tad  Ea 
becomes  instantly  civilised,  falling  into  his  place  in  the  procession, 
keeping  time  to  taie  music,  and  conducting  himself  in  every  way  tik«  % 
decent  member  of  Mb.  Battt's  company. 

The  Khan  and  his  sul^octft  proceed  to  invade  Poknd  with  the  t«ii 
horse,  the  twelve  foot,  and  several  young  women  whom  we  had 


I 


PDNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAM. 


I 


More  ui  the  Court  of  Laarenski  and  who  are  now  leading  a  Kcbn,  who 
Rf-ics  to  everj*  battle  at  Astley's,  a  couple  of  miniature  poncTS  who  were 
certainly  at  the  aicge  of  Moultan,  and  a  refractor/  stag,  vho  is  ohli^ed 
to  be  kicked,  pu&hrd,  and  ninchcd,  to  make  him  so  quiL'Uy  anywhere. 

On  arriviu?  la  Polaud,  Olimluft  bridal  festival— uaviD^  been  put  off 
ftU  this  time  for  drAiuatic  effect — is  being  celebrftt«d  by  a  charart^ttic 
Ptu,  when  Mb.  Hjcrs,  apjwariug  at  the  top  of  the  staircase,  claims  liis 
oeloved  ■  and  us  he  is  uot  allowed  to  take  the  Ud^.  he  proc4^eds  to  take 
the  whole  kiagdom,  which  ia  speeditr  effected  by  (lie  twelve  hifhlowed 
nicpoenaries  who  said  "  We  Will ! "  to  all  tlic  propositions  of  tne  rebel 
general.  Folaud  succumbs,  in  the  midst  of  blue  aud  red  fire — u  large 
shovelful  of  which  is  suddenly  thrust  out  from  a  hole  in  the  front  of  the 
■tage~and  Mk.  Uicjls,  ciaspiag  Olituka  in  tiis  arms,  with  the  noor  old 
Khan  overbrimming  with  emotion  at  hia  side,  waves  n  Tartar  flag,  and 
the  curtain  fulU  on  the 

TRIUMPH   OF   MAZEPPA, 

We  on^ht  not  to  terminate  our  an&lysis  of  tliis  Autlciau  edition  of 
Btkon  without  adding  tliat  it  is  brought  out  in  splendid  style,  like 
everything  else  at  thi^  popular  place  of  amusement,  and  tb»t  Mh.  Iiickb 
gives  the  utmost  po^sime  effect  to  all  the  woril.s  bct  donn  iLiid  the  situa- 
tions prepared  for  him.  Though  the  Mazepato^  Astley's  is  not  exactly 
that  oT  the  poet,  it  is  a  Rreat  dtal  more  enective  than  the  lutffr  rnuld 
have  been  for  the  purpose  designetL  and  we  should  have  no  objection  to 
read  Bt  hok  all  through  with  the  aid  of  Mb.  Batty's  brilliant  spectacles. 


THE  GOVEKNMENT  AND  THE  PARKS. 

CtTT  Up  the  Parks?    And  wherefore  not, 

To  please  an  influmtinl  taste  P 
Fear  we  the  People  ?    Not  a  jot. 

They  "11  see  theii-  "  PlayRTOunds  "  oU  defaced, 
And  only  raise  a  futile  growl, 
Aji  empty  hiss,  u  harmless  howl. 

The  People  ?    Nonsense  !    Who  ore  they  ? 

The  Rjibblc,  Populace,  and  Mob ; 
Think  you  we  core  for  what  they  say? 

W  hat  can  they  do  to  stop  our  Job  P 
Why,  we  'U  shut  up  their     Playgrounds"  nai, 
They  '11  only  grumble  if  they  're  veicd. 

The  Press  ?    And  what  *s  the  Press  to  us  ? 

It  tcUa  us  what  the  Public  think. 
WoU — let  it  make  its  daily  fuss. 

And  waste  its  weekly  floods  of  ink : 
[t  only  pelts  us  with  its  wit. 
And  we  donH  feel  (ie(  when  we  *re  hit. 

The  Statue  upon  IUirtos's  arch. 
Not  merely  the  Duke's  uiomuuent, 

Commcmorutcs  a  gloriou^i  march 
Stolen  upon  Qxnx&al  Discontent. 

And  so  we  U  treat  the  Parks,  in  spite 

Of  chunoor,  just  as  we  think  right. 

We  know  we  're  safe — there ;  that  'a  tho  fact. 

No  OppoBitiun  we've  to  dread. 
Were  we  fum  Ofiicc  to  be  paok'd, 

Whom  could  yuu  have  just  now  instead  ? 
The  Court  won't  murA  blame  whiit  wc  do: 
Aud  for  the  Nalion— pooh,  pouli,  pooh! 

As  lone  as  in  <he  People's  House 
ThelVnplt'  have  their  prcwnt  aIultc, 

At  lc4ist  we  ftil!  not  stick  to  chouse 
Them  out  of  exercise  and  air; 

And  will)  their  pence  play  ducks  and  drakes 

To  M  their  omameutol  lakes. 


Headleu  Hoax. 

Tins  boldest  of  the  Irish  gentlemen  who  have  described  the  Sea- 
Scrpent,  infers  that  it  ia  a  great  electric  eol,  from  the  circumstance  that 
an  individual  of  his  crew  received  a  shock  of  electricity  from  one  of  the 
sprats  disgorged  by  the  nauseated  monster  into  the  boot.  U  the  same 
sensitive  person  were  to  )iick  up  a  partridge  iust  shot,  it  is  to  be  pre- 
sumed that  some  of  the  charge  that  kiUed  the  bird  would  hit  him  in 
the  hand.  

Teb  Austrions  say  t  hat  thrashing  women  is  perfectly  allowable  in  war ; 
for  FoauEBJCK  the  Great  notoriously  thrashed  MlaiA  TnEREOA. 

M'lrr  did  Na.poleov  tfaroah  the  Austrian  Generals  when  be  said  so 
many  of  them  were  old  women  ? 


THE  FBENCH   IMPROVING. 
To  M.  ScsiBs. 

Y  DSAB  MoxanuH, 

I  ABK  yon,  as 

a  great  Operatic  an* 

thority,  whether  the 
usual    oonduct     of 

Sour  people  on  puh- 
0  occosionfL  is  not 
preoisciy  lilce  the 
acting  of  chorus- 
singers  and  super- 
numeraries on  the 
stage  of  a  theatre  ? 
Whether  your  in- 
surrections— rcvolu- 
tions— political  de- 
monstrations —  ore 
noL  in  foot,  bo  muob 
melodrama?  I  think 
vou  will  reply,  yes. 
You  will  probably 
confess,  also,  that 
this  melodrama  ia  a 
little  too  serious. 
Real  bloodshed  — 
firing  with  actual 
boll,  rou  will  admit 
to  oe  somewhat 
over-melanoholy.  And  besides  that,  as  compared  with  our  Adclphi  per- 
formances iu  tliis  kind,  you  will  own  that  those  enacted  in  your  streets 
are  remarkable  for  an  absolute  wont  of  fun.  You  have  plenty  of 
O.  Smiths,  but  no  Ma.  Wkigut  or  Mr.  Paul  BEDfORD.  Your  horrors 
and  sentiment  lack  the  relief  of  drollery.  I  speak  geaerall/:  and  very 
glad  I  was  to  obsenc  a  cose  of  exception  to  this  rale,  which  occurred 
the  other  day  on  your  IVesident's  return  to  Paris.  Whilst  vour  mob 
was  hallooing  and  bawling  with  their  usual  enthusiasm,  saya  the  Time/ 
aorrespoodent, — 

■  An  nmDitnu  puaad,  or  triad  to  pou,  Ihrough  the  d«0M  oiovd,  fts4  tb*  4rlT«r,  who 
miut  bAve  beon  aomevlut  of  n  «>f ,  stood  up  ia  bU  smU,  and  UUdog  off  hia  Urge  aud 
7«Uov  glued  luU,  buirwl  with  the  uttUMt  irraTity  and  pnllteneu  to  tha  ti^i  and  left, 
to  tha  wlndowa  on  boUi  ddes.  aod  Uaaod  bit  hand  to  the  woedou  vbo  wara  varingtbalr 
poekotrhandkerofalafs,  juat  aa  If  be  were  ftilly  eonrinofd  that  tha  eriai  ai  '  Ffa*  U 
Frtrtdtntf  '  nP9  Napokvn  r '  and  avoo  *  Paw  (•  ArfptWwM  / '  wen  lolcly  Intondod  for 
UmMK  Thb  Inddanl  ntttorad  mvtrf  oaa  to  hii  good  liiunour;  ■  Lnftxthigulsbabla 
laoi^itar'  oiet  bla  ImprorUad  dignity,  aod  tha  only  anantmltr  that  vaa  ohawrvod  tm 
cba  OBeaatoa  wia  wban  tha  iboat  of  '  FIw  U  09€3m't'  fidloirad  htm  to  Iba  oii4  ol  the 
atrael." 

This  bit  of  jovial  buffoonery  is  deli^tful.  after  one  bos  been  nauseated 
by  reading  of  nmidcns  in  white  offcrmg  hoyqwUiQ  the  President,  and 
such  like  iml)ecilities.  The  wiioJe  occurrence  is  the  most  hopeful  indi- 
cation that  lias  been  evinced  by  your  public  for  some  time.  Such  on 
appreciatiuu  uf  biurlcsque,  on  the  part,  of  Frenchmen,  is  like  a  touch  of 
compunction  exhibited  by  a  supposed  reprobate.  I  am  ven'  much 
deliglitcd,  iudectl,  to  (ind  vour  countrymen  biMrinning  to  laugh  at  the 
mock-pomnous:  susceptibility  of  that  kind  would  have  saved  them  from 
many  sad  fooleries.  I  believe  thot  they  have  acquired  tliis  perception 
firom  us;  with  whom,  to  the  immense  diversion  of  everybody,  a  rovol 
procession  or  any  other  irnuid  dispiny,  is  invariably  closed  by  a  butcher 
on  horseback.  The  onmihu.f -driver— a  ciiml.'d  fellow,  whoever  he  is — 
must  hiive  been  im''  ■ -1  "■''■  Enclisli  idra*?.  Inl,en>-i'i""t'd  f-nrnnin- 
nication  is  olrendy  l><  i;  Hritish  hujuuur  is  '  euch 

melodrama;  and  wi III     .         mceof  the.Hiibmiu-inc  hu  1      -.ruph, 

we  shall,  in  time,  mukt^  )uu  juUy  good  fellows. 

Accept,  Monsieur,  the  ossumnco  of  my  distinguished  consideration. 


Destnietion  for  the  Million. 


PcBLic  indigimtion  ouglit  to  l)c  violently  cxcit*d  by  a  flogranfr  wrong 
which  is  iutbcted  on  the  proprietors  of  powder-mills.  The  other  day.  a 
firewurks-nuuiiifactory  in  Spitalfields  exploded,  and  blew  up  the  greater 
part  of  three  streets.  Similar  occurrences  ore  by  no  means  rare. 
There  is  no  law,  it  would  seem,  to  prevent  fireworks-makers  carrying  oa 
their  business  in  the  moat  crowded  ucighbourh<x>ds;  subject,  of  course, 
to  these  casualties.  It  is  most  unjust  that  nu  adventurous  iudividnal 
should  not  be  suffered  \<i  work  a  oowder-miU,  under  the  same  circum- 
stoocee,  and  at  a  similarly  triviu  risk  of  blowing  the  surrounding 
district  into  the  air. 


I 

4 


1 


THE   HATIUMOKIAI^  KJIOT. 

Wht  did  the  Siamese  Twins  get  married? 
Beoause  they  oonki  not  remain  tingle. 


m 


I 


^ 


ife 


"  He  went  awat  witu  a  Fj,ba  in  his  Eab." — Old  Saytnt/. 

SKETCH  OF  A  MOST  REMARKABLE  FLEA  WHICH  WAS  FOUND 

IN  GENERAL  HAYNAU'S  EAR. 


4 


■mi 


■B 


PUKCH,  Oft  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAHl. 


139 


•*  TO  iUUl  IS  HUMAN  » 


"Mi-ISTEE  PCKCH, 

"  Naz  doot  yc  1 ! 
awl  jcerin,  ruid  1  *&e  uo  d' 
ye»  ftud  lliiit  ve  wliilfs  l  I'r  Iti- 
luttii,  il  Boned  mm  blulJ  bile  tl 


"  KfinLur^k^  SU/  Sful  ISnO. 

wi  yir  it-k 

me  nmicLiii^  i 

.1  Uiup  nil  t.bc  hwil-  bul,  inid 

,  wiiaii  I  s^aw  you  lopg  story 

.,.    ,t,..  MrRKN's   tAiis,  Uiat 


THE  INCOME-TAX    RAISED   UNDER  THE  ROSE. 


1^ 


ftboot  tue  cuUjiut  tbuc  wud 
motuiu  slie  gaed  to  tok  ber  b 

"I  lumia  uluslied  lliis  thr('<.  i   n-ad  hoo  Ibon  siUy 

ouif  struttfd  Abool,  imd  gied  l^lll^el  aira,  lUid  iicarkcu'd  to  what  IIek 
Ml'JK&iy  und  llie  Prince  were  sayiii.  and  prided  liiiiiscl  aboot  liJUii 
doon  the  Hoyal  Spri;?*',  ns  if  the  hits  o  boinu  were  sae  inoay  electric 
maoiiines  clioke  fii'  o*  uobilit^,  and  juist  Deeded  to  be  touched  to  send 
it  aff,  ilirlin'  liirouifh  his  linffer-onds,  chappin*  xt  hiii  elbows,  and 
kittlin*  hiui  into  n'  kmds  u*  datt-Ul^c  cctitacies:  odd!  whan  I  read  it, 
my  fare  bleezed  up  like  a  iliiff  of  ponthe.r,  to  think  o'  siccan  like  on- 
gawDAt  i'  the  great  capitAl  o'  Lbc  Scottish  Kuinire;  nod  itien  i(  was 
Terra  mlUn'  to  ace  yir  oouiments  on  the  subjec  lioo  that  ye  did  think 
anec,  ib:d  nncthinfc  coiiJd  liati*  the  Inslish  for  Umtkeyijini:  but  noo  yc 
had  diacftvrrf'd  that  \\\c  "  Snobo'  Siums"  (1  ken  llmt  word  means  somr- 
tbiii'  vernv  iiiipideiit,  thoiiKh  \X&  no  in  ntv  dJohoiiiir}) ;  k)ut.  a^  1  was 
reraarkin/  ye  aaid  that,  the  royai  snob  octuallv  lived  at  Edinburgh,  and 
added  niucUe  niwr  mc  like,  castin*  rcflicsnions  cm  thr  wrel  cnrrrd 
character  I'nr  proper  pride  and  ^ldcpt•ndenc*^  which  fru. 
haa  ayo  bcbtugcu  to  the  SeoltLsh  nation.  Noo.  it  jui: 
was  ool  at  my  lea  lost  uiobf,  and  nii  rxprc-nsin  my  iimi^n.is:! mi  ni  in-- 
affront  jjil  upon  oor  country ;  soMielhing  w:is  whispered  that  set  mo 
apierin'  and  spierin'  the  day,  till  wha*,  do  ye  tiiiuk  I  fand  ootV— that 
tuis  **  Snob  o'  Snolw,"  ibis  Ldko'  flunkiea„tbis  oallant  that  livcj*  iu  Edin- 
bnrgh,  and  corresponds  wi'  'the  Scotsman,"  is  nac  counirynmn  o' 
mine,  but  an  iHotUhwan  after  a', 

"  NtK),  MaiUfr  Punch,  1  ken  tc  're  a  guid  hearted  cbield.  that  wadna 
liurt  the  character  d'  ouy  single  man  wranfrfuUy,  let  a  be  that  o'  a 
naahioa:  sae,  fur  the  sake  o'  truth  and  justice,  for  the  credit  o*  AuJd 
Reekie,  and  the.  gude  name  o'  Scotland,  jiust  stand  oot  marLfulIy  nnd 
tell  theoi,  tbat  for  auoe  in  yir  liie.  ye  've  ta'cn  the  wnmg  soo  by  the  lug. 

*'  Yours,  verra  tndy, 

"Saukdebs  McSawt«et." 


TIIE  FREMIER  AT  PLAY. 


I 


HE  North  British  Mail,  in  alluaion  to  onr 
recent  higbly'popuJar  cartoons  of  the  PrC' 
mier'a  holidays  as  they  really  are,  and  as 
they  ore  supposed  to  he.  observes,  that  wc 
have  made  a  random  liit,  nnd  that  the 
"supposition"  was  the  correct  description. 
for  that  "  Lord  Johx  Kussrll  was  one 
day  but  week  seen  enjoying  himself  with 
his  cl)ildren  in  sending  up  paper  balloons 
into  the  air,  and  chasing  tneui  over  the 
lawn."  This  in  an  ordinarj*  personage 
would  no  doubt  be  a  porsuit  bespeaking  a 
mind  at  ease,  and  wholly  unoccupied  with 
graver  ubjeols;  but  ia  it  not  quite  clear, 
that  iu  the  case  of  Lord  .Toh\  RrssKr.i, 
the  sending  up  pieoea  of  vaimr  is  to  be 
looked  upon  B8  baUooa*flying  in  si>ort  made  statcsmanuiip  in  earnest? 
It  is  always  essential  for  a  Premier  to  know  which  way  the  wind  blows, 
and  as  the  throwing  up  uf  a  straw  often  determini!s  the  course  of 
events,  why  may  not  liie  despatchiitg  of  a  balluon  lead  to  the  same 
immrtant  conclusion  ?  Tlie  fact  uf  Loud  John's  cimsiug  the  breciw;- 
vaftcd  olijeuta  over  tbo  lawu  would  ix'  called  by  his  opponents  a  most 
cfaaractenstic  proceeding,  for  they  would  &fty,  a  Whig  XlinistAjr  always 
waits  to  sec  which  way  toe  wind  blows,  only  tbat  he  may  endeavour  to 
follow  it.  

High  QiMlifloations  for  a  President. 

The  Morning  Chronicle,  talking  of  Louts  Napoleo??,  says  "  He  rides 
minibly,  ami  luoks  well  on  horseback — most  ijnpo'-*""'  Ilties  in 

.r      Tf     *T .. ^....IWin..      *l.-.t       «wi      lrvAL-nr4      n,  ^ 


idmi 
France. 


If  thPSf: 


?  nuiilities  that  are  looked  up  m-e,  wc 

would  rccomuieud  that  the  candidate  for  the  cnfluinc:  .  shcmld 

be  selected  from  tlw  equestrian  comjiany  of  the  HipiKiJruiiH:,  or  Mr. 
lialTTc'jj  Circus.  The  chances  of  success  would  be  divided,  we  thould 
Ihiuk,  atnoDgat  Maiewta,  Monsieur  D£jk\>  Aukjul,  and  the  Courrier 
qfiSt.  Pet^rwutvh.  lue  latter  making  his  triunipbal  entry  into  Paris 
on  titf^  bacJu  of  '*  Six  wild  steeds **  would  bo  sure  to  can?  everything 
before  him  I  

TiTK  Austriana  oould  not  thiaah  the  Hungarians.  becauM  the  Magyars 

would  uoL  show  them  their  backs. 


"An  Tnhabitaxt  op  Havmkrsvi 

poor  author,'*  has  written  a  letter 
whereas  he  returned  himself,  in  an-' 
making  fcSO  a-ycar  by  bis  pen,  he  luis 
rate  he  will  be  diddled  out  of  nca'lv 
Govcniment.    From  other  infonnatlou  ttc 


•     -.If  as  "a 

I  ling  thnt^ 

ia\  ijuenes,  as 

■  t^iC/),  at  which 

-  earuiuga  bv  tlie 

luive  received,  we  believe 


that  an  extra  wrench,  generally,  has  been  given  to  the  vice  of  income- 
taxation.  Now  is  it,  or  is  it  not  true,  tbat  the  foUovring  communica- 
tion haa  been  issued  to  the  Incomc-Tax  Assessors  ? 

"  On  Ber  Majetii^i  Sertux,  ttricily  Private  and  Coi^deniial. 

"Sra, 

"  You  will  nlca.se,  in  the  first  place,  to  iinder^tand  tbat  your 
situation  will  depend  on  your  keeping  this  memorandum  a  profound 
secret. 

•*T1ie  exigencies  of  Government  imperatively  require  that  the 
IncomcTax  should  be  rendered  as  available  ae  powibtc  for  the  tnorease 
of  the  llevenuc. 

"  Vou  are  aware  tbat  we  are  under  the  iieri"*si!v  nf  re<luring  our 
emba*^fties and  consulates*   that  wc  cannot  ;  i  for  the  comple- 

tion of  the  friniinnl  Law  l)igi'j»t,  and  are  oi  .ke  the  veterans 

iHiy  their  own  medals,     I'urther,  that  wr  have  hud 
«X|xui*e  of  Mas.  Waguorm's  pension,  whilst  we 
iji.w  . ..  M  „:n.mi.  ..,  idiot  more  than  the  pittance  of  £12,000 a-year  to 
llrs  UoiAL  Uionsrss  the  Dilkk  ov  Cambripoe. 

"It  is  also  well  known  to  you  that  wo  shall  require  above  £2<S.000 
for  the  alterations  in  the  Parks,  and  a  considerable  sum  besides  to 
build  the  pHiN'CK  or  AVales  a  coach-house  nnd  stables.  0\\i  wish  ia 
so  t  "  '  I  sc  important  objects  as,  whilst  giving  full  satisfaction  to 
ill;  onages,  not  to  incur  the  unpopuhinty  of  proposing  a 

new  ...J..  ..  . 

"Our  end  would  be  piined  at  once  by  a  direct  iiicrcmse  of  the 
income-tax.  But,  warnea  by  experience  not  to  attempt  that,  we  must 
have  recourse  to  its  virtual  augmentation;  for  which  ve  require  your 
assistance. 

"  You  will  therefore  please  to  have  the  goodness  forthwith  to  raise 
your  assessments  of  all  incomes  derived  from  trades  and  professions* 
and,  in  cases  where  a  return  has  been  made,  to  assess  the  income  of 
the  party  making  the  return  as  considerably  higher  than  that  stated 
therein.  It  is  needless  to  add  tbat  zeal  in  the  performance  of  this 
service,  united  with  discretion,  will  not  be  forgotten. 

"  You  arc  not  to  exercise  any  needless  caution  in  making  an  advance 
on  your  assessment  of  i)rofc3sionaI  persons  or  tradesmen.  Her 
Majesty's  Ministers  are  emboldened  to  impose  almost  any  exaction 
under  the  name  of  inrome-t.ox  on  those  chiasea,  by  the  can.iideration 
that  want  of  time,  owing  to  the  requirements  of  huaiuess,  makes  it 
practically  impo&siblc  for  such  persons  to  appeal  against  an  ovcrdiar^c. 
Also,  that  the  dislike,  or  dangers,  of  revealnig  Ihmr  pecuniary  affairs, 
will  induce  thrja  to  submit  to  what,  under  different  circumstances, 
might  iwrhaps  be  called  the  grossest  extortion. 

"  V{ti  have,  moreover,  a  strong  reliance  on  the  iiatlencc  of  those  who 
have  80  loug — unresistingly,  if  not  uncompliiiuinglv— suffered  their 
casual  earnings  to  l)c  taxed  as  highly  as  thu  interest  of  fixed  capital. 

"IIui  Majesty's  Ministers  can  never  forget  the  demonstration  in 
favour  of  loynJtv  and  order  made  on  the  CTer-nicmorablc  10th  of  April, 
by  the  classes  that  pay  income-tax  under  schedule  D.  The  Govcrmncnt 
has  no  doubt  whatever  that  they  will  repeat  their  admirable  behaviour 
on  tliat  occasion  whenever  it  may  be  necessary.  Wc  therefore  fearlessly 
desire  you  to  augment  their  assessment  under  the  said  schedule. — con- 
fident that  scarcely  anv  provocation  will  overcome  their  love  of  peace 
and  quiet;  and  that  they  will  the  more  willingly  endure  the  burden, 
from  the  itlca  that  it  han  been  imposed  to  maintain  the  splendour  of  the 
Duke  ok  Cambkii^oe,  to  please  the  taste  of  the  Prince  Consort,  and 
to  provide  for  the  Prince  of  Wales's  recreation. 


(Signed)       "  J H  R— «8— ll.* 


"  Dotctung  Street,  Sept.  19, 1850.* 


WoMSN-THBAflume  is  oouaidered  in  Austria  so  uuoh  better  aport 
than  man-thrashing,  that  the  Auatriana  in  Hungary  disduned  the  hotter 
amusement,  and  got  the  Kussiana  to  thraah  tha  »««. 


The  Wild  HunUnian  of  Africa. 

Mr.  Koualevn  Gorpon  GtUfMOt'O  tells  us  of  the  sundry  ritles  nnd 
guns  which  he  u.4ed  to  kill  his  lions,  elephants,  aud  sea-cows ;  but  ho 
says  nothing  of  tiiut  Long  Bow  vhcrewith  he  is  reported  to  have  shot 
the  greater  part  of  theoL     

"OoDco  THi  EMTKK  Animal."— Hunting  the  HyoM^ 


140 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Ladff.  "  Br  TBI  WAT,  Mr.  To>os.  I  have  vsbd  that  Bottiji  of  Baxh  op  CaLDORMU; 

BCT  I  riKD  IIT  HaIB  STILL  COX£«  OFT." 


8UNDA1  THAINB. 

"  1  AM  venr  gUd  to  see  the  Bnaor  or 
Gloccxstek  and    nis  Clergy  have    taken  th» 

Sanday  tnins  in  hand ;  and  an  prfching  a^aart 
the  wickedness  of  railway  directon  wbci,  lA  tlM 
pursuit  of  the  root  of  rTil — whidi  grow*  as  I 
nave  heard,  all  the  stronger  m  a  solpbiir  aodl — 
lower  their  fares  to  tcmut  men  and  Ukeir  wirrs 
to  nish  from  their  neignbourhood  t^  see  Bath. 
Bristol,  and  so  forth.  Sir.  it 's  infamooft — aoa 
something  is  sure  to  hapnen. 

"I  have  kept  tlie  Coca-and  Kollic  for  twentf 
years;  and  1  nave  never  known  such  a  seaaon  ■» 
this  summer.  Where  I  used  to  sell  a  goUoo  of 
beer  and  a  pint  of  gin  on  Siiudays,  I  doa*t  now 
sell  above  nalf-a-piut  and  a  quArtem.  And  why  f 
Because  the  workpeople  in  the  scigbboTubood 
save  up  llieir  monej'  to  take  their  wirea  and 
children  a  hundred  mde^  from  home,  coming  back 
to  go  in  lime  and  sober  to  bed.  Therefore, 
I  beg  to  thank  the  Bisnor  of  Glodcestkb  lor 
what  he 's  doin^,  preaching  against  Snndar  cx- 
carsions  as  being  rrunous  to 

"  Youra»  BoviFACi. 

"P.S.  Do  you  know  where  I  can  get  tie 
Bishop's  picture,  aa  I  should  like  to  hang  it  np 
in  my  parlour  ?  " 


I 


Blind  Oompetition. 

Wz  see  that  is  the  intention  of  the  different 
Blind  Asylums  throughout  the  countr)'  to  con- 
tribute works  of  Art  and  Induslr>-  to  the  Ex- 
hibition of  1851.  The  prize,  however,  mmt 
be  carried  off  by  Government,  if  it  onlv  thinks 
of  sending  in  as  its  contribution  Uie  uindow 
Tax,  for  ftjat  ia  universally  looked  upon  as  the 
moat  perfect  specimen  of  Bunduess  that  was  ever 
put  before  the  eyes  of  a  nation. 


rENNY-A-LIKLNG  UNDER  DIFFICULTIES. 

The  impertinent  snobs  who  are  employed  to  eaves-drop  under  the 
windows  01  royalty,  complain  very  bitterly  of  the  difficidty  of  getting 
near  Her  Majesty  and  Prhsce  Albert  at  their  retreat  in  Scotland. 
An  unhappy  penny-a-liuer,  writing  from  "  Cb  athie,"  says : — 


"Dftlmonl  Cutle  li  'veil  sltu&lod  fur  aeelitaton. 
Bpproub  It." 


It  U  ft  work  of  time  uid  Iftbour  to 


It  seems  there  is  no  inn  nearer  than  two  miles  off,  and— 

"TtiMft  two  mtloM  (flvp  nn  H«  of  tha  diffUnc*  to  be  tnvflncd  b«tv«eii  th«  two 

KlftOM.  b«caiu»,lbe  Ina  h«lii»; on  tlw  <ipp<Ml(»  al<l«f  of  tlio  D««,  whan  yoq^hsT*  gone  tlie 
Mifftb  ladloftted,  jtm  u«  only  ofpotiit,  Dot  at  tba  CaiUfl;  you  mniil  atmtlniia  ynitr 
Jonrner  uDtll  yw  rraeh  ft  brldfr«— «  retlier  r1ek*Ry«upeTUloa— whicb  Will  be  f(Kitid 
at  Crfttfalfl.  ■  milo  fftrtbfroa  thAtcnuMed,  yon  have  then  ofcnime  U>  vttratie  ftmr  tttpi 
axotktr  fuU  miU;  ao  Lliftlllie  rul  dlfltAnctt  between  the  Rc^al  resldsaee  ftod  Hist  of 
knjr  itnuipir  la  ^mnewhac  more  thfta  four  mile*." 

We  congratulate  the  Quieten  and  Princf.  on  the  inaccessibility  of 

their  position,  which  lias  doubtless  been  cliosen  for  the  purpose  of 
baffling  those  impertinent  imbeciles  who  would  otherwise  waylay  them 
in  their  walks,  and  dodge  their  movements,  in  order  to  contrioute  a 
column  or  two  of  trash  to  "our  own  reporter's"  department  of  the 
newspapers.  Thanks  to  the  judicious  selection  of  their  retreat,  the 
royal  pair  supplied  material  to  the  baffl-d  nnmy-a-lincr  for  nothing  but 
the  remark  that — 

"  ThU  week  bu  been  wboUy  ipeBt  by  the  C«irt  in  the  enjoyment  of  qulot" 

Weoreratheramusedatthe  idea  of  the  "ricketty  suspension  bridge" 
over  the  Dee,  for  wo  havcafrhrewd  suspicion  that  the  bridge  alluded 
to  has  been  purposely  placed  there  as  a  pi^  to  the  audacious  pcnny-a- 
liner,  who,  in  his  ardour  to  fortje  his  wav  mto  the  family  circle  of  the 
(JuEEN,  miRht  be  tempted  to  trust  himself  once  too  often  to  the 
ncketty  bridge,  and  find  himself  the  victim  of  a  well-mcritcd  ducking. 

We  wish  that  some  ingenious  mechanist  would  prepare,  to  exhihil  at 
the  forthcoming  Exposition,  an  article  on  the  principle  of  the  steel-trap, 
to  seize  intruding  noses,  as  the  btt«r  article  catches  hold  of  trespassing 
legs,  for  we  are  convinced  that  a  little  machine  of  the  kind  would  com- 
mand the  patronage  of  Prlnce  Albert  as  a  aort  of  corrective  to  im- 
pertinent curiosity.  If  any  artist  should  be  niooesBfai  in  inventing 
•omethiug  of  the  kind,  we  would  suggost  the  Anti-Proboscis  as  an 
iK}propriate  name  for  it 


THE  CELESTIAL  FAlOLy.' 

The  newspapers  ought  really  to  open  a  new  department  of  BiRTna, 
to  chronicle  the  frequent  and  almost  daily  increase  which  the  stars 
are  makiue  to  their  already  numerous  family.  We  find  from  a  recent 
letter  of  iinu  J.  R.  Hind,  who  writes  to  the  JVbm*  from  the  "Inner 
Circle  of  the  Keg:ent's  Park,"~which  is  perhaps  a  "  ring  "  of  one  of  ihe 
planets  ovcrlookiiiji  the  vicinity  specified— that  he  has  to  record  "another 
mteresting  addition  "  to  the  solar  system,  by  the  introduction  of  a  new 
member,  of  which  the  coristcUation  Pegasus  has  been  safely  deiivercd. 
This  "  new  member"  is  announced  as  "the  twelfth  of  the  group,"  and 
the  third  in  reference  to  which  Mb.  J.  R.  Hisd  has  been,  as  lie  says, 
"fortunate  pnough "  to  act  as  a  sort  of  astronomical  accoucheur,  or 
scientific  man-midwife. 

We  have  made  enquiries  at  the  Greenwich  Observatory,  and  are  glad 
to  hear  that  the  great  planet  Pegasfs,  and  the  little  one,  are  botli 
going  on  very  favourably,  and  arcj  iodeeJ,  "doing  as  well  as  can  be 
expected."  Tlie  planetary  population  has  increased,  lately,  to  such  an 
extent  that  the  starry  census,  when  next  taken,  will  show  a  vast  atxg- 
mcntation,  and  the  astronomical  observers  arc  constantly  oomplaininip 
that  their  celestial  apparatus  is  continually  growing  obaoleie^  unlen 
they  keep  paiiUin^  in  or  picking  out  a  score  or  twooTnew  ooneta,  ooa- 
flteOutious.  and  mmor  stars,  at  the  commencement  of  every  season  of 
their  exhibition. 


Aho>'o  the  products  of  Austrian  ingennitr  which  are  to  figure  in  the 
Exhibition  of  1851,  there  will  be  exhibitea  an  ingenious  instrument 
(patroniied  by  II.  M.  the  Emperor  and  King),  for  flogging  ladies.  It  has 
been  found  highly  useful  in  the  Milanese,  and  most  efficooioas  in  Hong&ry. 

The  Rights  of  Englishmen. 

WHMf  Drum-Major  Cattun,  of  the  150th,  was  told  that  a  Hun- 
garian lady  had  been  flogged,  the  Drmn-Migor,  who  is  an  entho^aBt^ 
"ley  had  to  '       " 


on  women  ?    "  Flog^ 
of  Bntiah  bqUhib 


asked  what  business  they  had  to  waste 
ging,"  says  Dnun-Major  CA-rrLDr,  "  is  the  pn 

ana  sailors."  

An  Escape  roB  Tin  Rriks.— Obvzbal  Babov  Hatvav  «m 

ducked  at  Cologne. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


Ul 


^ 


Mtt.  Pdmch.— I,  for  one. 
vtU  not  believe  in 
the  vicked  report 
that  some  rncniy  to 
the  Ilou^e  of  GiielpU 
has  set  ufloal,  tliat  it 
is  the  Intention  of 
the  QuEBN  —  sup- 
ported imd  abett  ed  by 
ner  Ministers — to  cut 
off  a  largo  slice  from 
St.  James's — I  mean 
St.  People's  Park,  in 
order  to  add  Uic 
stolen  bit  to  thr  pnr- 
dens  of  Buckinirfiam 
Palace.  Is  it  like  her 
(yracirms  Majesty? 
Wnuld  it  heeomo  tlie 
Mother  of  a  People 

kn    ,  -  fc.  Ill  1  ^K^^^^^^^^^^HB  to  take  from  her  iliou- 
11  n  j^^^jmjlS^^^^^^^^BB  blinds  of  children,  of 
jIIr^^^^^^^I^^^^^^^BHR^  small, 
/ilul^HBEiHH^^^^^^^  tarybitofcreeiuward, 

"lU  l^^^v\^B|^^  that  the  Pbikck  or 

Wales  and  hia  bro- 
thers    and     sisters 
mi^ht  enJDjr  the  bit 
of  lurf  so  scurvily  acquired?     I  won't  believe  it. 

Such  an  act  would  cloud  the  eyes  of  a  people — eyes  that  have  ever 
looked  affectionately  upon  our  little  Qceen.  She  mifffit  gain  an  acre  or 
two  of  land,  but  it  would  be  at  the  cost  of  a  hirge  bit  of  the  nation's 
heart.  Talk  of  court  mourning ;  why,  Afr.  Punrh,  with  any  portion  of 
St.  People's  Park  taken  from  the  People,  I  would  certainly  advise  a 
people's  mouminff;  ribbons  black  and  green  at  every  man's  button  iiole. 
on  every  womim  s  bonnet,  on  every  dcfraudtnl  infant's  cap.  But  it 
cannot  be — I  won't  l>eJieve  it. 

Again,  would  the  Whigs  strike  such  a  coward's  blow?  Is  it  likely 
that  the  chivalrous  Russei.l  would  wait  until  tbc  House  of  Commons 
was  left  to  the  noctumid  mice,  and  he,  the  Jtinistcr,  was  far  away  on 
tbc  everlasting  Scottish  hills,  before  the  attempt  to  purloin  the  people's 
property  was  made,  in  the  name  of  the  Queen  ?  Is  it  likely  that  any 
English  Minister  would  incur  the  charge  of  such  flagrant  injustice, 
masked  by  such  pitiful  poltroonery?    1  won't  believe  it. 

Further:  would  the  Durje  or  Wellisgtos  accept  the  Ranfrership 
of  St.  People's  Park,  only  by  his  valiant  name  to  authorise  court  piUoger 
"Why,  that's  it,"  says  Chartist— " that 's  exactly  it.  Tlic  Minister 
believed  that  upon  any  attempt  to  defraud  the  people  of  their  property, 
the  people  would  rebel ;  and  the  Duke  was,  of  course,  made  Ranger  that 
he  might  bring  hi.**  military  genius  to  the  aid  of  the  Crown,  and  by  any 
mean^  awe  and  put  down  the  discontented  mob."  So  says  Chartist, 
but — I  won't  bolieve  it. 

And,  finally,  ia  it  likely  tliat  a  wise  regard  for  the  growing  fame  of  the 
Peince  op  Wales  would  put  his  innooeat  boyhood  in  a  false  iwsilion, 
making  him  and  his  brothers  and  sisters  the  despoilcrs  of  tens  of  thou- 
sands of  brothers  and  sisters,  the  bom  mlieritors  of  the  greensward  of 
tlie  Park  of  St.  People  P  Such  a  beginning  would  be  sullenly  accepted 
as  an  evil  omen.  Folks  looking  tbrough  the  magnifying  glass  of  time 
would  be  all  too  likely  to  behold  in  little  Prikce'Axbert  a  future 
bloated  Geoboe  the  ForHTn,  of  gold-frog  memory.  No,  Mr,  Punchy 
it  IS  impossible  that  this  can  be :  and  to  conclude, 

1  Won't  Believe  It. 


THE  SABBATARIAN  POST. 


C9l!?CMfl.— Whereas,  certain  clergymen  and  others  are  known  to 
perambulate  their  parishes,  carrying  with  them  skins  of  parchment, 
pens,  and  inkhoms,  lor  the  purpose  of  obtaining  the  signatures  or  marks 
of  the  ignorant,  the  unreflecting,  and  unwary— 

This  is  to  caution  all  persons  so  called  upon  to  consider  well  before 
tbey  afBx  their  names  or  marks  to  the  sheep«daa  aforesaid,  inasmuch  as 
there  are  individuals  who,  in  their  weaJmess  and  darkness,  believe  it  an 
act  of  self-assertion  to  sign  or  make  a  mark  to  any  Petition  soever. 

Honeat  and  guileless  people,  beware  of  sheepskin,  pen,  and  ink. 
VmiRBGiHAf  PO^d^. 

If  HiYSiAU  ffeta  a  Harshal's  Mttm,  whereabouts  ought  be  to  get  it  f 
and  who  ought  to  give  it  to  him  ? 


THE  IRISH  SEA.  SEIffENT. 

{From  PuMcA'i  ottm  CorretpQiulfrUi, 

_  Ok  my  arrival  at  Xinsalc,  faithful  to  your  instructions  lo  get  a 
sight  of  the  Sea  Serpent  at  all  hazards,  1  took  a  vessel,  and  put  out 
lu^tnnlly,  in  spite  of  wind  and  weather,  botb  of  which  were  dead 
against  me,  determined,  as  Mr.  Roger  W.  Tbavers  sava,  "to  go  any 
lengtlis  "  lo  satisfy  myself  and  your  readers  of  the  existence  of  that 
monster. 

My  desire  was  soon  gratified.  An  object  resembling  the  letter  S, 
after  the  lapse  of  about  three  quarters  of  an  hour,  appeared  in  the 
hori/on,  and  gradually  ncarcd  us.  getting  larger  as  it  approacbed.  At 
tlie  distance  of  a  mile  we  could  plainly  seo  that  it  waa  an  enormous 
reptile,  but  whether  of  ihc  ophidian  or  untrian  class  we  could  not 
toll  till  it  had  come  close  to  ua.  Even  then  our  zoological  knowledge 
proved  inaJequnte  to  its  exact  el  ossification.  In  your  scitntiftc  opininn 
I  think  it  would  have  appeared  very  like  one  of  the  cftart-a,  Mr. 
Tbavers  is  incorrect  iu  stating  that  it  is  rather  over  than  under  thirty 
fathoms  long.  The  reverse  is  the  case,  I  should  say,  by  nu  iuch  and 
six-eighths.    In  diameter  it  may  be  about  seven  feet,  Twill  allow. 

But  tbc  length  and  size  of  the  Sea  Serpent— for  serpent,  on  the 
whole,  it  appears  to  be— are  not  half  so  wonderful  as  its  conformation, 
which  set^  every  canon  of  natural  hbtory  at  defiance.  Depead  upon  it 
that  comparative  anatomy  is  all  a  delusion ;  and  that  Propessor  Owen, 
although  he  may  be  a  respectable  man,  deceives  liimsclf  completely  if  he 
believes  in  that  in||x>bturc. 

The  head  of  this  anomalous  inhabitant  of  the  deep,  being  covered 
with  scales,  in  some  measure  resembles  tlmt  of  a  reptile,  and  this 
similitude  is  heightened  by  the  form  of  the  snout,  which  is  that  of  a 
crocodile '.■!,  thouffh  tenniuatiug  in  a  sort  of  trunk,  like  an  elephant's. 
The  mouth  is  full  of  long,  slinrp  te«th,  besides  a  pair  of  enormous  fangs 
in  the  upi)er  jaw.  But  tbe  latter  are  like  the  canine  teeth  of  a  huge 
ape,  and  this  mark  of  alliance  to  the  timia  extends  to  the  cranium,  the 
frontal  portion  of  whicli  is  as  elevated  as  it  id  in  the  chimpanzee.  In 
spite  of  the  length  of  the  jaw,  therefore,  the  facial  angle  is  considerable. 
tnlikc  any  other  reptile  that  1  have  ever  seen  or  heard  of,  the  Sea 
Serpent,  moreover,  haji  undeniable  ears,  which  I  can  attinn,  from  close 
observation,  are  as  conspicuous  as  those  of  an  ass.  Its  e;re8  are  fur- 
nished with  reguhr  lids,  as  it  proved  by  continually  winkmg  the  left 
one  whilst  .t  blopped  looking  at  us.  From  the  bloodihot  appearance  ol 
this  eye^  I  have  no  doubt  it  was  that  which  Mr.  Traaterb  and  hij 
friends  fired  their  four  bullets  into.  The  crown  and  nape  of  the  neck, 
arc  surmount-ed.  not  with  a  mane,  as  has  been  erroneously  stated,  but 
with  a  crest  of  feathers,  and  from  above  each  eye  protrude  a  species 
of  horns,  which  the  creature  draws  in  and  out  like  those  of  a  snail. 

Its  bodv  was  certainly  not  that  of  an  eel.  It  had  no  gills  at  alt; 
its  respiratory  apparatus  consisted  in  a  series  of  spiracles,  or  breathing- 
holes,  arranged  m  a  row  on  either  side  of  it,  along  its  whole  length, 
marked  by  a  line  of  a  greenish  hue.  Above  this  line,  and  over  tbc  baci, 
tbe  integument  had  a  Teathcry  appearance  ;  below,  it  oon<)isted  of  scales 
of  a  silvery  whiteness.  Between  the  spiracles,  of  which  there  were 
forty  iu  each  row,  were  ."Hituated  the  organs  of  locomotion,  being  an 
alternation  of  flappep  and  fins.  Its  tail  was  of  a  tpiral  form,  like  s 
corkscrew,  and  torminatod  in  an  apparatus  of  loose  bonca,  the  collision 
of  which,  I  should  have  mentioned,  proclaimed  its  approach  when  at 
least  two  miles  off.  It  remained  stationary  on  our  starboard  bow  about 
ten  minutes,  and  then  suddenly  dived  and  disappeared. 

Two  Urge  mamma,  situated  between  the  pectoral  flappers,  seemed  to 
indicate  that  the  creature  was  a  female. 

From  the  above  description  the  scientific  naturalist  will  discern  that 
the  Sea  Serpent — tbc  Irish  variety  at  least — is  a  combination  of  the 
lizard,  the  elephant,  the  ape,  the  cockatoo,  the  snail,  tbc  fish,  tbe  por- 
poise, the  rattlesnake,  and  the  ciitcrpillar-  On  the  anatomical  difficultiea 
involved  in  tliia  complicated  structure,  I  need  not  dilate,  but,  commend 
them  to  the  consideration  of  the  College  of  Surgeons. 

Whether  for  our  amusement,  or  ita  own,  the  Sea  Serpent,  whilst 
under  our  inspection,  kept  alternately  tying  itself  up  in  knots,  and 
untying  them,  accompauymg  each  contortion  with  a  peculiar  whistle. 
I  bad  a  capital  opportiuuty  of  shooting  it,  which  I  waived,  aware  that 
you  disapprove  of  the  wanton  destruction  of  animal  life. 


Tbe  Prince  of  W&les'a  Studies. 

TlTE  Conrt  Circular  every  evening  informs  us  that  "  the  PanrcK  o» 
Wai.es  enjoyed  hia  usual  exercise.  Wc  have  been  given  to  understand 
that  his  "  usual  exercise  "  is  half  a  page  of  "  Latin  Delectus,"  and  il 
is  a  proof  of  his  Royal  Hlghness's  roIisE  for  study  that  his  exercise  ia 
matter  of  "enjoyment  "  to  him.  The  Prince  takej  great  pains  with 
his  translations,  and  has  already,  it  is  said,  asked  his  tutor  when  the 
propTcas  of  Ids  studies  will  bring  him  to  the  "  trar.aUtion  of  a  Bishop," 
which  tbe  roval  pupil  has  beard  spoken  of.  The  tutor,  it  is  believed, 
looks  forwara  naturally  enough  to  becoming  himself  the  sulqoct  of  such 
a  transUtioQ  at  tbe  proper  period. 


143 


PUNCH.  OR  TilE  LONDON  CHARlVAia. 


X 


r^Ni 


liT*/ 


^ 


llil'Jt! 


J- 


V- 


^^ 


f^ 


■^^:m 


JOHN  BULL  £NJOYINO  TBX!  PE06P2CT  IS  BIB  PARKS, 


or  alrgc  ibo  Mwi  of  tlu  QUtr^icfl  oommtUed  upna  Gm&A 
rmiMW-a  irwpUon  by  p»rt  trf  Uie  pupnUdun.  'Thrwi  chwjt 
mpusfd  In  the  coffpe-hoa»c«," 


AUSTRIAN  SOLDIERS  RAMPANT. 

AxTnoPGii  ihe  strii>cs  oPHaynau  have  hcpu  salved  bythcsympaihy, 
And  wjiabed  with  the  (ears,  perhaps,  of  bis  luincrial  Master  and  c-ompa- 
nious  iu  amis — their  Riiiiu-t  does  n^i  appffu*  to  nave  derived  much  allevi- 
atiuu  from  the  uuctiou  of  popiiliir  eomniiscroliou  on  the  part  of  hia 
couutr)inen.  From  a  Vienna  letter  in  Ihc  Kotnfr  Zeifu/t^,  as  quoted 
by  the  Timrj,  wc  Iciiru  that, 

*•  Oviag  to  the  aUie  o(  alrtcc  ibo  Mwi  of  Uu  outrKfffl  oommlUM  upna  (im&AL 
IIjkY!(Ar  met  with  a  fhvin' 
fttr  Old  t:ugtiinil  *  ru  pmpusfd 

Uut  the  decorated  of  Filvncis  Josetii  will  |>crhaps  earc  liLtlc  for 
puhlic  opinion — unt  impressed  as  it  was  the  other  du>  ou  Ihc  drulihedof 
Rakclay  and  Pkkkins's  Draynam.  Aud  what  aj-c  the  scutimciits  of 
his  N-ulgRT  countrymen  to  the  horsewhipped  hero  aKaiust  the  condolence 
of  hia  brotbcr  braces?  one  of  whom,  acconling  to  another  account  from 
tlic  above  sources,  thus  characteristically  expressed  his  indignation  at 
liio  flogging  of  the  woman- llogrijcr. 

"  In  Um  C^tfi  Dvmm,  which  1^  hannied  hv  niir  fiflkrnt,  Lheni  wma,  fttiitd>l  llie  p>rtr«(tH 
tf  otlwr  ruyu  [wnwiufii-H,  upiu-lrMit  •irc^cKKx  Vk^kiiua.  1  say  It  was  there,  fjf  U  was 
yattarday  aaaauiuHl  by  a  CrwaUau  utTtcvr,  who,  drawing  hln  uibtv  with  a  v<41ey  of 
untirceatlotut,  aoi&alMKl  It  luto  atAma,  vhlla  his  cotnradcB  chenvd  him  and  criod '  Braro.' " 

Uravo !— bravisainio !  Gallant  Officer— arallaut  gentleman !  A  sword 
drawn,  with  a  volley  of  imprecations,  on  a  lady 's  picfare,  is  an  improve- 
ment upon  the  pecidiar  gallaulrj-  of  the  Austrinn  army — a  gallantry, 
doubtless,  equally  pceiiluir  in  regard  either  tu  a  wouum  or  a  fucman. 
The  valour  of  bcroe*  of  tl^c  Hatvau  breed  really  sceins  to  consist  in  an 
mstiuctive  antipathy  to  thfl  fair  sex.  Should  there  ever  be  fi  genuine 
"  JteroU  of  the  iht^m*''  thrsr  wnidd  be  the  fellows  to  (|Uf*ll  it  !  'I'hcy 
would  prove  %  veritable  scourge  to  the  rebelUous  iMaU»que»,  One  mure 
specimen,  in  oontinuation  of  the  fontgoing,  of  the  niaidiood  of  these 
(unacknowledged)  stons  of  Mass  -. — 

*'  They  rattted  thalr  rwocdi  la  a  moat  alamlag  maiuur.  and  thty  onm  th*  lal&odm 
'  vho.u  fbey  cannot  gvl  al,'  uid  whom  Ibay  lonn  to  '  ahlrer,*  a«  tbu  nflloer  did  tha  pletara 
«f  IhtilrQciEi'.' 

Should  they  ever  juivc  the  mie«fortnne  to"jfetat"  the  denounced 
i^iders.  the  shi\'ennjc,  it  nwy  be  pretty  eonhdently  (;xpt'cttMi,  will  be 

nriiMlly  on  the  side  ol  these  warriors  who  are  such  Tartur^  to  the 
cs. 


THE  MAI.EDICTION  OF  TinJRLES, 

7b  Mr.  Punch. 

"  Silt,— We  undcninnd  that  thr  L-bh  Roman  CalboUo  Synod  at 
ThurlcA  has  condemned  by  a  uuijority  nf  one  the  '  Queen's  f  lollnirt!*.' 
iiLstituted  for  imparting  to  all  creeds  indilfcn'ntly  wTmt  all  errrtls  in- 
diflerentlj*  in  Ireland  want  verj'  much;  that  \- 
thc  Colleges  are  intended  to  purvey  mere  iuh 
the  .supply  rtf  spiriLuat  nutriment  nnohstruclctl  iw  ..n, ..  - 
to  aull.tllemaLil^e  tbem  is,  on  the  imrt  of  the  priests,  equi^ 
butchers',  Wikers',  or  grtwcrj*  snops  c^iablished  by  pr.  i 
whd^t  their  reverences  arc  at  liberty  to  consecrate,  or  purity  li  ik'^xl  be, 
the  beef,  loaves,  tea,  sugar,  and  butter.  They  might  as  wi-ll  have  ex- 
conmnmicatrd  the  liidlau  meal  and  other  proviMons  whi' '    '  i  ent 

sent  to  Irehiiid  lo  relievo  its  physiral  di'slitutioo.    As  l';  .  ni 

— his  Holiness  apart  even— ib  well  uudei-slood  tube  no  1  ..k.  do 

hope  that  he  will  withhold  his  sanction  from  the  decision  nt  ibe  1  hurles 
Synod,  aud  not  confirm  that  monstrous  Rull  by  one  of  lii»  own.  You 
may  be  surprised.  Sir,  at  our  venturing  to  address  vou;  but  rwUly  the 
absurdity  oT  bonnini;  Latin  and  Greek,  niathematiea.nistory.  the  natural 
sciences,  geopnphv,  astronomy,  and  the  use  of  the  globes,  is  so  cross 
that  we  could  not  help  cr)ing  out. 

"  We  are,  Sir,  &o.. 

"TiiK  Stokes  ly  thb  SntSET." 


The  Lunga  of  London. 

Thf  inhahitantft  of  T^nndrm  are  naturally  rcnd<*r<'d  very  anxions  and 
unKi,- ■  '       .    '   !  ,    ...        '■iiu's  iu  the  Parks,  which  ■  '       m  a 

stop!  Metropolis.     We  an*  ;  ivbo 

seno^;,-  ..,,..!,. I,  .1..  ....; utttion  of  the  hinps  b>   j,.     ■  leii- 

lation  that  will  be  nexi  year  thrown  into  Hyde  Park  ;  Ir  nth 

somewhat  more  alarm  to  Ihe  eonttCMtion  of  wliitli  then'  i  ims 

in  the  St.  Jamen's  tnnir,  where  a  slicht  stoppage  is  ulrr;nl)  iK.iv*;,,id)lc 
Dnfortuimtely  the  alUick.  ou  the  luji;;?)  near  Bucluii^hani  raUcc  is 
attended  witti  considerable  cxiwuse,  awl  oousumpiion  is  a  dlMaso  of 
which  poor  John  Boll's  ehcst  is  painfully  susceptible. 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CITARIVART. 


143 


N 


STATUES  OP  TKfc  GEEEN  AND  GOOD. 

Thb  Good  Dttce  oj  CAMBR^f  "'  "^  "  havfi  a  statue;  on  endaring 
memorial  of  the  cheerfulness  n:  h  of  hi»  old  asre,     A  *.tatue 

in  mach  cheaper,  and  hr  m\n..  ... :  i.i.nt  m&tehal  t[i«n  stone   or 

brourc.  A  thousand  pounds  or  two  woujd  be  demanded  by  the  sculp- 
tor tasked  to  pTrdTirr  a  rflw  ^^^m  of  the  distinguiiihea  diner-out  •. 
fifty,  nr  a  huiii  *.  fit  most,  vouM  purcimse  the  niat^riul,  and 

liberally  rcvri  '  jiroposw!  by  Pttmeh^  to  enshrine  the  memory 

of  the  virtue*  ui  u't^KuLini  royalty. 

The  reader  has,  probably,  aiuona  his  oldest  ftcf|uain(ancc,  i)cacocks  cut 
in  -'  ■■•■■■■  \vi\h,  posaibly,  a  ilra^ou  or  &o,  ui  Wtx;  orieiiml  crca- 
ti<>  Dntcb   miud,  llaiirisUiii^  in  our   j^ardens  in  tbt;  tiiiK-  of 

pui  Lui.     Adam  aud  Kve  in  horuhciuu,  all  alive  and  3hoot.- 

inp,  were  often  fouud  iu  the  Edoiis  of  Eufrlti^nd.  \Vc  liave  somewhere 
rcail  of  a  pifT  gnnvn  in  lavender,  tlat  exhaled  its  sweetness  iu  the 
garden  of  a  ijoudon  citir-cn.  Now,  all  thai  Punch  pro]iose.s  is,  an 
nnuietliiiU*  retuni  t<i  Ihe  K^x>d  old  custom  of  growiui:  tin:  fiuiire — Ofj  our 
f^eat  father  wns  crt'---  '"■  —■'>wti — from  the  earth  itself.  The  mode  is 
cheap,  and  beaiilifn  Certain  cODUnentatORi  on  the  Koran 

make  a  fiineiful  afliii  .  i.  man  and  treea,  deolaring,  that  from  the 

remainder  of  the  cUv  ol  which  Adam  was  formed,  were  created  the 
oocoa-trce,  with  its  olack  uut— "on  which  all  the  parts  of  a  man's 
head  may  lie  seen,  mouth,  nose,  eves,  eyebrows,  hair  aud  wlii^kcrs  " — 
together  with  paliii  trees,  nnd  other  nrborcal  benifrnities.  There  is  a 
beauty  in  the  fancy,  a  reverence  for  palm  and  oocoa  in  ihe  fateful 
superstition.  But  to  proceed  with  our  Man-Trees  or  IVee-Men  of 
vcrdnut  £uf;lnud. 

At  the  present  time,  there  is  a  maj^nillccnt  opportunity  for  Lord 
SevMOUR — our  new  silvan  Minister — X-o  distiuguisU  himself.  Let 
tiim  lay  out  what  remains  to  us  of  St.  James*!i  Park  with  an  eye  to 
the  planliug  of  yew.  box.  holly,  and  other  vegeUble  statues  uf  men  who 
have  deserved  well  of  their  country.  Let  him  show  how  ihe  Dutch 
mode  of  clipping  trees  iuto  peacocks  aud  monsters  may  be  unproved 
and  elevated,  by  turning:  hia  creative  shears  to  the  cutting  out  and 
pranuu;  of  men.  Let  us  suppose  that  Gkobge  the  Tuibd  and  his 
sons  the  two  Fourths  with,  if  you  will,  the  Duke  op  York,  flourished 
in  monnmental  yew  in  St.  James's  I'ark— should  we  not  piu  by  the 
change  from  metal  to  ve^tablc  P  Any  way,  we  inav  begin  with  1  he 
statue  of  the  Good  Duke  of  Cambhidge,  and  the  siatue-^r  rather, 
the  tree  for  the  statue — might  be  inaugurated  with  a  pleasing  serious- 
ness, a  glad  soleuiuiiv,  due  to  the  gravity  of  the  subject,  aud  highly 
satisfactory  to  the  lee^ngs  of  ihe  noblemen  and  gentlemen  of  the 
Committee. 

And  first,  what  tree  shall  be  planted  to  grow,  perennial  statue,  of  the 
Bood-natnred  CAXBRinoE?  Yew-tree?  No:  it  is  too  funereal ;  even 
the  beea  reject  and  shun  it.  Nevertheless,  upou  occasion,  a  statue  in 
yew  may  oc  found  desinible,  symbolic:  namely,  wlien  an  Kugliah 
Sunday  shall  he  put  in  deep  black,  and  an  Act  of  Parliament  sludl 
dumb-found  the  very  birds  on  the  Sabbath,  and  stop  the  How  of  the 
Thames  on  the  seventh  day — then  mavwe  have  a  statue  in  congenial 
Tew  of  the  noble,  bilious  Lord  who  shall  achieve  such  gloiy,  to  eternise 
Ida  fame  :— 

"  Nor  vil<ltsig  irreen,  oor  voodltnd  floirer, 
Arise  vlthlu  U«  bkleftil  bovcr." 

No,  we  will  have  none  of  yew  for  our  Caxbridgk,— but  a  hoUv-tree, 
boll)-  and  no  other.  There  are  thoughts  and  recollections  of  Chnsfcmos 
and  Christmas  fare — beef  and  plum-nudding — tliat^as  other  trees  ore 
aaered  to  certain  heathen  heroes,  aa  the  poplar  to  Iiekcules,  make  the 
holly  the  especial  tree  of  the  Good  Dvkx  of  Cambridgk.  It  is  decided 
then. 

Our  first  green  gtatue  in  St.  James's  is  that  of  the  good  Duke,  and 
ihe  tree,  iht  holly. 

We  c&uuot  in  our  present  page  draw  out  a  programme  of  ihe  oero- 
mony  of  planting  the  diual  tree:  but  the  nto  may  bo  performed 
with  many  aiguificant  metuungv.  Cioxbo — on  the  authority  of  Tliny 
— would  often  irrigate  hia  plane-treea  with  wine;  and,  in  our  dav, 
animals  are  buried  under  the  roota  of  trees  to  niakethem  fimitfol; 
witness  the  renowned  tom-cat  deposited  under  the  sooBeberrr-buah 
that,  ever  after,  bore  hairy  gooaebamca.  Well,  the  hoUv  planted— the 
holly  that  shall  afterwards  bear  a  monumental  resembkncc  (when 
artistically  cut)  of  the  Good  Duke  or  CAMDRiDTtE.  may  be  irrigated 
with  port  or  cUret,  poured  forth  bv  Benjami.v  Uuno  Cabbell,  from 
an  historic  wine-cooler  of  the  Lonoan  Tavern.  A  hftunch  of  venison, 
from  the  larder  of  the  same  hostelry,  may  also  be  deposited  under  the 
roots  of  the  holW  to  enhoh  and  stimulate  its  sap.  HoOy,  fed  by  olaret 
and  venison  I  Is  it  possible  to  voAgest  a  more  fitting,  a  more  truth- 
ffpeakins  monument  to  a  man  who  au  eaten  thousands  of  dinnore  for 

the  good  of  hi"  f'niintrv  '■' 

Well,  the  h  d,  and  the  gardener-artist  goes  to  work  with 

his  shears;  in  l:  .  '  i^nnrodncing  a  strong,  Ica^  resemblance  to 
the  DiriE  of  CaiuiainGE.  This  done,  UEoaci:  the  Third  and  George 


THE  FouRTB  dulj  planted,  may  demaod.  of  tho  artist  an  imp2X>vcd  touch. 
And  so  the  tfttdcner-soblptor— 

From  holly  vood 

Cllpi  CAJfUiDoi  good, 

AtmI  Uivn  b«  trimi  tbo  OEOBaa»,oht 

And  here  we  may  briefiy  ask.  whether  the  custom  of  planting  and 
outliug  tree  statues  of  great  men  niav  not  give  more  fitting  emplojTuent 
to  much  unregarded  «»aius,  doomea  to  the  slone-yard,  ur  wc  should 
say,  the  stone •cupboam  of  t  he  Royal  Academy  ?  Many  a  man  who  bos 
no  ^hanci!  nf  ouLkiu^  a  figure  in  marble,  might  flourish  for  years  in 
holly,  box,  or  hornbeam,  There  would  be  work  two  or  three  times 
every  year  upon  ihe  same  ethgy.    Por  instance.    Here  is 


CaUBRIDOE    1.1   TU£  SPRIKCy 


AJin 


ni  TEC  WIITTEB. 


TliuB,  with  memorial  effigies  cut  in  trees,  there  would  be  a  mr 
vhotesomo  demand  for  surplua  sculptors ;  and  when  St.  James's  FarK 
is  green  and  alive  with  budding,  shooliug  heroes,  when  it  is  an  arboreal 
Walballa  with  the  Georges,  for  instance,  as  green  aa  were  their  subjects, 
economy  will  have  embraced  beauty,  and  much  ill-used  bronze  be  sent 
to  the  mcltinE-itot;.  A^in;  if  any  of  the  trec-stalues  outlived  tho 
reputation  of  Ineir  originids,  the  trees  might  be  suffered  to  run  wild — 
to  grow  at  their  own  sweet  will — for  a  year  or  two,  aud  then  be  clipped 
into  another  and  a  belter  hero.  Thus,  rQkokge  thic  Fourth  mighlbe 
suffered  to  outgrow  even  his  own  abdomen,  aud  then  be  cut  close  to  a 
SiiAKBaPBAKB  or  R  Kewtoji.  Aud  so,  the  sau  that  gave  viridity  to  the 
spendthrift  king,  may  feed  the  necessities  of  tuo  iwet  or  pliilosopher. 

Nor  do  we  see  any  ditlicuUy  iu  the  matter  of  iuscription.  Ou  the 
contrarv ;  the  inficriiitiou  may  be  iu  admirable  harmony  with  the 
material  of  the  effigy.  Let  us  take  our  first  hoUy  statue — the  Good 
Duke  or  CAMniiiuflK.  On  a  given  piece  of  earth,  at  the  foot  of  the 
statue,  muy  !«■  gmwu,  cut.  and  continually  renewed,  a  record  of  the 
Dtike's  many  excellrtit  iiualitica  in  cress  and  mustard.  Tlicy  would  be 
symbolioHl  aud  pungent  of  tho  tavern  salad.  Or.  indeed,  the  inscrip- 
tion might  be  prinked  out  in  civic  parsley.  In  the  old  heroic  day  we 
kuow  tlit  parsley  crowne<l  the  temples  of  the  hero.  Very  well ;  with 
us  it  is  sain  hero-worship  is  tamed  topsy-turvy ;  so  let  our  great  men 
have  llie  parsley  at  their  feet. 


A  Oommon  Oouncilxnan  on  Lending. 

M&.  CovMOV  QoiTNCiLVAN  AxuEHTOK  opposcd  the  motion  made  to 
lend  books  from  the  City  Libi-ary.  He  w*a  quite  against  such  free 
circulation  of  knowlodgo.  Tho  wizard  further  obsen'ed,  *'  the  woret 
thing  a  man  could  do  was  to  lend.**  AjfOBaTON  is  wrong — grievously 
wrong.    The  very  worst  thing  a  real  man  can  do  ia  to— borrow. 


EKTOMOtOOr   AXD  THBlUPBUTICa. 

Spiders  are  mentiM     '       "  XJ4»a>ui  Qurr--"  -~ 
remedy  for  agur     '1  of  their    i 

perfectly  scicntuic.     I;  .^  ,..;.,..>  that  of  coul  - : 
m  the  stomach  is  oe-casiooed  to  cure  a  creeping  of  the  skin. 


I  womau's 
'Wevcr.  IS 
I  rnfcwiing 


I 


144 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAIUVABL 


THE  PABKS  AND  THE  PEOPLE. 

Wt  now  it  aeeins  the 
Woods  and  Forests  mnst 
plaT  at  ducks  and,  draJtes 
witn  the  public  money^ 
and,  as  it  appcar?j  Ihat  a 
Fuk  is  necessary  as  &  play- 
H     *^K   iJili^^lBSffi  ground  for  Xhh  oostJy  and 

f         iiiiifllJili^^^^^iK  ^ery  unpopular  sport,  wt 

beg  to  suggest,  that,  m 
order  to  spatfi  Hyde  Pstrk^ 
St.  Jamea'a»  an^  the  Green 
Park,  another  Farlc  should 
be  set  apart  for  the  Woods 
and  Forests  to  play  theij 
pranks  in.  WimnTie\fto 
carrj-ing  out  this  arrunge- 
ment,  we  bare  the  pleasure 
of  submiUing  otir  own 
Whetstone  Park  I45  the 
notice  of  the  authorities. 
If  a  Park  is  wanted  merely 
for  the  purposes  of  jobbing, 
there  cannot  be  a  better 
locality,  as  thoro  aio  two 
or  three  job-m  asters  fllrcady 
on  the  sjwt,  and  iberefore 
a  few  ]obs  more  or  less 
cannot  injure  the  Dcigh- 
bourhood.  ^^'c  do  not  see 
why  a  KaDffersliip  with  a 
"tremendous  salary"  should  not  be  attached  to  "Whcistono  Park, 
and  as  to  "alterations"  designed  for  the  purpose  of  giving  jobs  fo 
contractors  and  others,  Whetstone  Park,  though  limited  m  space,  is 
quite  large  enough  to  admit  of  the  erection  and  piiHing  down  of 
arches,  the  diggmg  out  and  filling  m  of  ground,  together  with  such 
other  costly  operations  as  arc  occasionally  carried  00  in  Parks  more 
fieqoented  oy  the  public  than  Whetstone,  and  therefore  more  deserving 
of  protection  against  the  pranks  of  the  Woods  and  Forests. 

We  could  easily  "hit  off"  a  little  plan  for  applying  to  Whetstone 
Park  a  great  deal  of  the  expense— and  consequent  pat  rouagc— iiow 
being  occasioned  by  what  is  going  on  in  those  Parks  that  have  been 
called  empluitically  the  play-groum  of  the  Londoners. 

We  would  begin  by  throwing  up  an  esplanade,  coniraencing  on  the 
south  side  of  Little  Turnstile,  and  terminating  at  a  point  cxa^^tU 
opposite  to  the  northern  end  of  the  pump-handle  m  the  neighbonrhooa. 
Tnoe  would  be  no  difficulty  in  throwing  up  an  embankinetit,  for  the 
poipose  of  elevating  the  level,  for  the  materials  arc  all  on  the  &pot,  as 
the  neighbourhood  abounds  in  oyster  shells,  old  shoes,  fuid  other  similar 
articles.  We  would,  in  fact,  pledge  onrselTes  that  there  shall  be  no 
"  engineering  difficulties  "  in  the  way  of  raising  the  grou  nd ,  if  tlie  public 
Will  only  raise  the  money.  At  the  Gate  Street  comer  of  Wlietstone| 
Park  we  would  erect  a  cistern,  so  that  the  gutter,  now  ninning  thmiigh- 
out  the  entire  centre  of  tlie  Park,  may  be  converted  into  a  piece  of 
oniamental  water,  which  in  purity,  if  not  in  extent,  would  be  venr 
superior  to  the  Scrpentme.  We  would  then  lay  down  a  "  rotten  row 
from  east  to  west^  and  a  portion  of  the  materials  would  be  supplied  from 
the  articles  cast  n-om  their  windows  by  the  inhabitants. 
When  we  reflect  that  all  this  and  a  great  deal  more  might  be  done  in 


Whetstone  Park,  without  cutting  up  the  green  tiuf.  of  which  we  have 
not  a  foot  too  much  for  the  recreation  of  the  smoke-dried  Ijoudoner, 
we  feel  doubly  the  crueltv  of  the  (goings  on  in  the  West  Jiud  Parks,  and 
we  wish,  at  least,  that  the  direction  addressed  to  the  public,  who  arc 
here  ana  there  requested  to  keep  off  the  grass,"  were  respected  by 
the  authorities  themselves,  and  that  they,  with  their  waggons,  their 
pickaxes,  and  their  hoardings,  would  "  keep  off  the  grass ''  for  the 
future. 


Ha7nau*s  Entire  Honours. 


The  Timfi  correspondent  says— "The  Austrian  go^ensment  will 
show  its  sympathy  for  the  insulted  general  bv  raising  him  at  once  to 
the  rank  of  a  marshal."  How  much  will  he  owe  to  Barclay  and 
Perkins !  May  we  not  then  trace  the  noble  rank  of  Maynau  till  wc 
find  it  issuing  from  a  bung-hole  ?  What  conquest  in  battle  has  v,oi 
done,  a  retreat  from  a  brewery  has  effected.  He  who  ia  not  rewarded 
for  standing  lead  and  iron,  is  made  a  Marshal  for  running  from  pewter  i 

SUAUPOOINO  IffADK  EAST. 

Engltsu  travellers  are  informed,  that  on  landing  at  Continental 
enstom-houses,  where  the  practice  of  searching  the  person  foE  contra- 
band articles  of  traffic  is  enforced,  the  searchers,  in  the  strenuous  execu- 
tion of  their  duty,  will  Shampoo  them  okatis. 


FEMALE  BABBIfiTERS. 

Av  atiemjit  is  made,  every  now  and  then,  by  an  cnenetao  h^,  the 
wife  of  an  mcaiteratca  barrister,  to  mear  in  the  ooozU  of  Jsv,  ari 
argue  before  the  judges.  Whenever  this  lady  pretcaits  heam  m 
counsel's  dbce  to  xnake  a  motion,  a  tcniUe  com-^notion  is  the  OOM^ 
qnenoe.  The  learned  judges  are  natunUy  opposed  to  tho  prindpla  cf 
hearing  ladies  in  court ;  for  the  precedent  would  be  dangsrons  iadeedt 
as  a  fair  pleader  wouhl,  as  a  matter  of  course,  make  her  own  ink  aba^ 
lute.  A  female  bar  would,  no  doubt,  soon  restore  to  WiMlmJMtia 
Hall  its  reputation  for  eloquence,  and  the  nameof  "atter  haiiiahji'* 
would  become  appropriate  indeed  to  a  sex  remarkable  for  its  sbmidaaBa 
and  volubility  01  utterance.  The  honours  of  the  profesaioii  would  not 
be  sought  alter  very  eagerly,  for  every  female  banister  woold  tonam  s 
"junior"  as  long  as  she  could;  and  the  idea  of  being  ranked  aa  e 
"senior  "  would  oe  quite  insupportable.  Perhaps,  howerer,  the  oler 
of  a  "  silk  gown  "  might  occasionally  be  found  irresJatiUe,  uod^  we 
do  not  see  now  the  forensic  costume  could  be  preserved,  inaamma  as  a 
public  avowal  that  she  wears  a  wig  could  never  be  expected  &om  a 
female  advocate. 


THE  GORDON  IS  GUMMING. 

A  boab  isom  a  wild  beast. 

The  Gordon  is  GmooKO,  oh  dear,  oh  dear ! 
The  Gordon  is  Cumxehg.  oh  dear,  oh  dear ! 
To  slaughter  us  wholly;  that's  dear,  quite  clear.— 
(I  've  a  DuUet  of  his  in  the  rear,  the  rear). 

He  *ll  cut  us  all  up,  branch  and  root,  and  root, 
No  creature  he  spares  from  imrsuit,  pursnit : 
The  King  of  the  feasts  he  will  shoo^  will  shoot. 
And  the  antelope,  also,  poor  brute,  poor  brute! 

He  blows  out  the  elephant's  brains,  his  brains, 
His  hand  with  giraffes'  blood  he  stains,  he  stuns. 
As  he  in  his  volume  explains,  ex^Uins,^ 
Disregarding  the  animal's  pams,  its  pains. 

The  sea-cow  he  peppers,  pop,  pop,  smash,  smash ! 
She  flounders  and  rolls  m  her  gore,  splash,  splash  I 
At  last  goes  a  ball  through  her  skull,  crash,  crash  1 
What  a  mercy  it  settles  ner  hash,  her  hash ! 

Perhaps  we  were  made  with  intent,  intent, 

That  balls  through  our  sides  should  be  sent,  be  sent. 

Our  nerves  were  contrived  to  be  rent,  be  rent. 

And  our  bones  to  be  shattered  were  meant,  were  meant. 

If  that  is  why  we  were  sent  here,  sent  here, 
Of  course  'tis  all  right — though  'tis  rather  queer^ 
And  to  put  us  to  use  in  our  sphere,  our  sphere^ 
Mr.  Gordon  is  coming— oh  dear,  oh  dear ! 


THE  ATHOL  PASSPORT  OFFICE. 

An  office  will  shortly  be  opened  in  Edhiburgh  for  the  jmipoee  of 
issuing  passports  to  Glen  Tilt  and  other  impassable  passes  oT  the  Athol 
estate.  It  is  to  be  called  the  Athol  Passport  OmcB.  TraveUen 
will  be  expected  to  give  their  names,  addresses,  and  oocupationa,  mid 
motives  for  travelling,  besides  finding  two  sureties  for  their  reqieet- 
ability  and  j^ood  behaviour.  Another  stipuktion  also  is,  that  they  wn 
to  carry  neither  gun,  nor  fishing-rod,  nor  fowling-piece,  nor  atick.  nor 
sword,  nor  knife,  nor  pencil,  nor  sketching  apparatus,  aa  the  Duke  is 
determined  that  nothing,  not  even  a  view,  shall  be  carried  off  bis  estate 
—at  all  events,  not  till  a  Court  of  Law  has  thrown  it  open  to  the 
public  Every  passport  will  have  his  Grace's  signature  and  seal,  and  a 
price,  somewhat  less  than  what  is  charged  by  Lord  pALXBRstov  for  a 
Foreign  Passport,  will  be  demanded  for  it,  so  as  to  keep  the  ooantiy 
vrithin  the  widks  of  the  very  highest.  This  measure  will  nave  the  effsct 
of  increasing  the  Duke's  income,  even  though  it  should  dose  and  mal^ 
still  narrower  the  respect  that  is  universally  fdt  for  the  narrownesa  of 
his  ways,  and  the  unenlightened  selfishness  of  his  views. 


Haunted  Ohurofagrards. 


It  is  not  perhaps  generally  known  that  ohurohyarda  in  this  oomataj 
are  infested  by  gboulcs  and  vampyres.  One  "  Jubtitu,"  howereci 
writes  to  the  JiM«r,  stating  that  on  sending  a  parson  laidy  ' 
Walthamstow  churchyard  to  cut  a  new  inscription  out  on  his 
tomb,  the  man  was  pounced  upon  with  a  demand  of  ten^ 
and  two  half-crowns,  by  three  horrible  creatnrea  in  the 
the  parson,  the  sexton,  and  the  derk. 


HATOPHOBIA. 


Thb&i  18  ft  society  orffantsiag  ia  favoar  of  Ibe  heftds  of  society  B|run«t 
the  h«ls  of  the  same,  never  was  XUltc  a  moven.ent  which  deserved  a 
proroimder  syropathv  or  a  more  universal  ndliercnce.  The  Red  Repuh- 
liiQtD  demftods  "  a  million  beads  ;**  the  Hatnphubi.'it  rnntents  him&elf  vniU 
donuding  "a  niilliun  bala,"  and  lhu(  deinand  we  bra  loecbo. 

Tbe  htslor^'  of  hats  ia  enough  to  shake  one's  faith  in  human  progreM. 
lutead  of  advancing*  we  bare  been  retroandiiur,  or,  to  niokc  the  most 
of  it,  wp  have  not  vet  got  beyond  the  widc^iwiJte.  It  appears  on  the 
frieie  of  the  Partbenoo.  (No.  I.)  It  19  vora  by  the  clod-cniabcr  of 
WOtabire.  (No.  8.) 


Bnl  betwe^-n  these  two  extremes  of  what  we  may  call  the  (</«/  Ilaf, 
what  a  decline  and  faJJ  do  our  head-covers  exhibit ! 

There  wtti  the  hood  of  the  Saxon  held  its  ground  to  the  end  of  the 
tbirteenth  century.  (No.  3)  Its  tail  was  cut  up  and  twisted  round  the 
head,  into  the  bonnet  of  the  fourteenth. 

The  unsightly  turban  was  next  modified  into  the  jaunty  bonnet  of  the 
Fifth,  Sixth,  and  Serenth  Hikrues.  (No.  4.) 


The  Eighth  Heney  eihibita  the  first  development  of  brim.  (No.  B.l 
The  crown  and  brim  broke  out  into  more  luxuriant  proportiona  unuier 
Sluabsth.  (No.  6.) 


Tbe  Mue  derelopmeiit  wiu  at  work  under  Maat  and  JaMES— tilL  in 
CnaauM  tki  Fust,  the  Hat  reached  its  apogee,  and  stood  revealed 
m  the  oaTalicr'a  head-gear,  the  most  graoeiuT  that  has  ever  shdded 
£njHish  Heads.  (No,  70  From  that  moment  we  hare  to  date  tbe  decline 
aiuffalioftbelUt.  (No,  8.) 


One  aide  of  it  yielded  under  Cblklta  thu  Sicohd,  and  one  seg- 
ment ^ne,  theothcrsspeedily  followed,  till,  under  William  thk Third, 
the  bnm  was  turned  ud  all  round,  and  vamly  endeavoured  to  make  up 
by  its  brim  and  ft-atheredfre  for  its  lost  breadth  of  shadow  and  aweepoj 
line.  (No.  9.)    It  waa  no  use — all  forms  of  "  the  cock  "  were  odioii— 


nobs,  bobs,  steinkirlcs,  Vevenhullers— or  by  whatever  name  they  an 
known.  With  the  French  Revolution  fell  the  uncocked  lial— but,  alas, 
onl^  to  see  the  odious  clumnry-pot  ot  our  own  day  take  its  pUce. 

bociety  has  strufr>ilcd  under  its  hat.  In  its  uiieaiinrss  it  ha*  tried  aU 
modifications  of  that  central  cylinder,  and  tampered  in  every  w»y  with 
the  insignificant  brim,  but  to  no  nurpo&o.  Even  Prince  ALBtitr'a 
ilaring  attempt  at  a  composite  of  all  these  has  been  gen(;nilly  pro- 
nounced a  failure.  (No.  10.)  The  human  head-cover  bus  still  coulinued 
to  resemble  a  truncated  section  of  iron  piping,  (No.  1 1),  and  we 


still  to  lie  under  the  disgrace  of  tbe  ugliest  hat  that  the  world  haa  yet 
seen,  unless  a  rigorous  elfnrt  is  made  to  shake  it  off.  [So.  12) 

Such  au  opportunity  presents  itself  in  tbe  Exliibilion  of  1851. 

Let  the  European  world  of  inventors  be  called  upon  to  come  forward 
hat  in  band,  aoo  try  what  can  be  done  to  crown  humanity  in  the  nine- 
teenth century  with  something  less  like  a  chimney-riot.  We  know  of 
nothing  that  can  be  said  in  favour  of  the  article  whictt  we  are  forced  to 
wear  on  our  beads — it  is  hot  in  summer,  it  ia  not  warm  in  winter;  it 
does  not  shade  us  from  the  tun,  it  does  not  shelter  us  from  the  rain ;  il 
is  ugly  and  expensive ;  you  cannot  wear  it  in  a  raiiwB);  carriage,  it  is 
always  in  your  way  in  a  drawing-room ;  if  you  sit  upon  it  you  crush  it, 
yet  it  will  not  save  your  skull  in  a  fall  from  your  bonne;  it  will  not  go 
into  a  portmanteau,  you  are  sure  to  forget  it  when  suspended  from  the 
atraps  of  a  carriage  roof.  It  is  too  hard  to  roll  up,  too  soft  to  stand 
upon  ;  it  rusts  with  the  sea-air,  and  spots  with  the  min  ;  if  it  is  good, 
you  are  sure  to  have  it  taken  by  mistake  at  a  K/in^ ;  if  it  is  bad,  yon  are 
set  down  for  a  swindler — in  short,  it  has  all  the  bnd  qualities  that  • 
thing  can  have,  and  not  one  good  one  to  set  off  against  them. 

Rally  then  against  the  Hat  of  the  nineteenth  century !  If  yoti  aak 
what  ia  to  be  substituted  in  its  place.  We  answer 

Not  the  bonnet  rouge  of  red  rq)ublicftni5m; 
Not  the  white  felt  of  ditto  in  Germany : 
Not  the  block  steeple-crowned  ditto  in  Rome ; 
bat  a  hat  that  may  recall  the  grace  of  the  days  of  Ch&rles  the  PmsT 
without  awnJieuiug  the  remembrance  of  their  dis6cn»iui(j$— a  hat   winch 
combines,  like  our  mixed  Con:ititution,  Kiug,  Lord-^.  and  Commona — 


the  crown  of  tbe  former,  the  cavalier  grace  of  tbe  leoond,  and  the 
KTviceablc  suhstantiality  of  the  thirdL 
We  would  not  hare  ravdutioa  in  dress  itop  here. 


We  have  something  to  say  on  coats  and  continuations. 
And  thfTi  comes  the  profoimdedly  Bathetic  question  of  Bonuetai  ana 
Ltai)xxa'  1>bjess  vs  GEMSiut. 


Vol-  ilX.— 1850. 


■S^.*6S«^. 


CORONATION  OF  JENNY  THE  HRST-QUfiEN  OF  THE  AMERICANS 


The  moment  it  was  known  by  what  vessel  Jenky  Lixd  was  abont 
to  cross  the  Atlantic,  wc  dispatched  au  cfficieut  corps  of  reporters  and 
correspondents  ou  board,  who  wrre  present  in  various  diAgoiaea  about 
the  ship,  lor  the  purpose  of  watching  every  movement  of  the  Nightin* 
gale.  One  of  our  most  esteemed  contributors  mi^t  have  been  seen 
nitting  about  in  a  dreadnought  and  sou'-wcster,  from  s^  to  spar, 
and  yard-arm  to  vardarm,  dodgini?  the  delicious  song-bird,  as  she 
hopped  from  pfldole-box  To  padale-boi,  utterly  regardless  of  wind  and 
wavfc  while  a  juvenile  member  of  our  extensive  establishment  was  on 
board,  in  the  huit.ble  disguise  of  a  lob-loUi-boy. 

It  has  been  erroneously  supposed,  that  becaase  Mapeuoisbllk 
Jent^y  Lind  was  seen  to  leave  Liverpool  waving  her  white  handker- 
chief from  the  very  top  of  the  deck-house  over  the  companion,  aid  was 
seen  to  enter  the  American  harbour  waving  the  same  white  handker- 
chief from  the  top  of  the  same  deck-house.— it  has  been,  we  say,  erro- 
neously, though  naturally  supposed,  that,  from  the  time  of  her  starting 
to  the  moment  of  her  arrival,  Jenny  Lind  was  coostuitly  employed  in 
the  way  in  which  she  is  represented  to  hare  commenced  and  terminated 
her  journey.  We  are  enabled  to  assure  the  public,  on  the  very  best 
authority,  that  such  is  not  the  case. 

The  time  occupied  in  the  voyage  passed  very  pleasantly.  Every 
evening  there  was  a  concert  for  the  benefit  of  somebody  or  other, 
concluding  with  one  for  the  beneflt  of  the  crew,  which  was  somewhat 
marred  by  the  boisterous  state  of  the  weather.  The  piano  was  soon 
Bent  up  to  an  incouveuieutly  high  pitch,  the  glasses  insisted  in  joining 
in,  as  musical  glasses  without  much  regard  to  harmony  or  effect,  but 
keeping  up  a  sort  of  jingle  during  tue  whole  time,  there  was  an 
occasional  accompaiuiueut  of  wind  and  stringed  instruments  by  Borkas 
playinff  fearfully  on  the  ropes  of  the  rigging,  and  every  now  and  then 
everytuing  waa  rendered  a  great  deal  too  flat  by  a  too  rapid  running  up 
of  the  ascending  scale  and  coming  very  abruptly  down  again. 

The  voyage  haying  been  safely  got  over,  we  now  come  to  the  pro- 
ceedings in  America;  bat  we  are  bound  to  say  that  our  contemporaries 
have  so  folly  occupied  the  ground— aud  their  own  oolnmna — that  room 
is  scarcely  left  even  for  us  to  say  anything. 

For  some  days  before  the  steamer  waa  expected.  New  York  waa  in  a 
■tate  of  intense  excitement,  to  that  when  the  ship  actually  came  in 


sight,  the  OTily  mode  the  poUco  had  of  kecpiuf^  the  enthusiasm  of  the 
crowd  within  decent  bounds,  was  to  check  their  cries  by  knocking  the 
breath— as  far  03  practicable — out  of  their  bodies.  Millions  bid  their 
heads  turned,  aud  hundreds  had  tbeir  heads  broken,  but  all  was  of  no 
avail ;  and  in  spite  of  the  exertions  of  the  constabulary  to  stave  off  the 
people  with  their  staves,  the  qnays  were  in  a  state  of  dead  lock  from  the 
throngs  that  covered  them.  As  the  vessel  entered  the  harbour,  the  Night- 
ingale waa  seen  perched  on  the  deck-lionse,  supported  on  either  side  by 
MSssbb.  Benedict  and  Beletti.  Mk.  B.\rnum,  the  enterprising  show- 
man who  has  speculated  in  Jenny  Lind,  as  he  has  uh?eady  done  in  ToM 
TuuuB,  and  otner  popular  idols,  was  running  a  race  along  tiie  pier  with 
a  Mr.  Cou4ns— perhaps  a  rival  showman — each  holding  an  enormous 
bouquet,  and  a  fearful  struggle  took  place  as  to  which  should  be  the 
flrst  to  clamber  up  the  padalc-box.  Barxum  made  a  desperate  spring 
on  one  side,  while  Collins  took  a  terrific  leap  towards  the  other,  and 
the  latter  being  the  more  fortunate,  or  the  more  active  of  the  two — or 
perhaps  be  had  been  taking  lessons  in  gymnastics  beforehand  of  some 
Indian-rubber  brothers— succeeded  in  being  the  first  to  stand  at  the 
Nightinpalo*8  side,  and  to  present  her  with  a  nosegay  twice  the  siie  of 
that  which  Ba.rnuv  pushed  into  her  hand  a  moment  afterwards. 

£ither  to  see  better,  or  to  escape  from  the  energetic  CoLn.vs  and  the 
frantic  Ba.rntjm,  **  Jenny  Likd  moved  to  the  tvboard  wheel  housr^" 
and  seeing  the  American  flag,  the  Nightingale — with  a  sly  sense  of 
humonr,  no  doubt,  and  a  general  recollection  of  all  she  had  heard  about 
the  slave-trade,  and  the  treatment  of  Mr.  Frederic  Douglas,  the 
"coloured"  newspaper  editor— exclaimed,  "There  is  the  beautiful 
standard  of  freedom,  the  oppressed  of  all  nations  worsliip  it." 

As  the  ship  ncarca  the  pier,  every  mast  seemed  to  be  made  of  eyes, 
noses,  and  mouths ;  every  window  was  a  mass  of  heads,  and  the  roofs 
of  the  houses  looked  as  if  they  were  sUted  with  human  beings,  aud  had 
men  and  women  for  chimney-pots.    The  Nightingale  was  oo  struck 


with  the  respectability  of  a  Yankee  mob,  tliat  she  asked  "  where  the 
poor  were  P— intending,  no  doubt^  if  there  had  been  any  poor,  to  have 
sung  at  once — sung  out  from  the  top  of  the  paddle-box — tor  their 


I 


benefit. 

It  now  became  time  for  Jenny  Likd  to  land,  and  at  the  pier  gatea 
was  drawn  up  in  readiness  BAJU(irH*b  carriage.    When  one  hears  of  a 


THE  CONTRIBUTION  OF  THE  ADMIRALTY  TO  THE 

GREAT  EXHIBITION. 


ihovman'B  carriage  in  this  country  one's  mind  luluraUy  travels  to  a 
Tan  into  which  the  public  arc  invited,  iniiiscriminareiy,  to  "  walk  up;  " 
but  such  was  not  the  fchicle  in  wUicb  Bakndm  was  prepared  to  receive 
his  Nightiogale.  The  horses  were  figged  out  in  a  st>le  well  adapted 
to  advertise  the  mnseuro  of  which  Baakuic  is  proprietor;  and,  though 
the  trappings  were  well  calcubted  to  act  as  trappings,  and  cntch  the 
eye  of  tlie  vulgar,  good  taate  could  not  litip  feeling  that  the  '*  cap.iri- 
aons  "  were  "  onions  "  The  Nightingale  entered  the  carriage  with  the 
assistance  of  Bakkum.  who  then  mounted  the  box,  ordering  his 
aenrant  to  make  a  circuit  towards  lr%itig  House^it  being  very  clear  to 
alt  wtiat  be  and  his  coachman  were  driving  at.  The  progress  to  Innng 
llousc  was  one  tremendous  crush  of  beings,  so  densely  packed  together 
thai  on  exceedingly  ripe  cheese,  in  spontaneous  motion,  is  the  only 
thing  to  whicli  it  would  bear  oomparisoo. 

The  TimfM,  havmg  devoted  a  0r»t  leader  of  nearly  three  colnnins  to  a 
digest  of  the  proceed ings— including  the  telegmphing  of  Mas.  and 
MiM  Bajlktjm.  who  were  coming  up  from  Cincinnati,  the  rush  of 
Bishops  and  Clergy,  the  crowd  of  *'  faaliionable  Indies,"  tlio  deadly 
acramole  for  the  sione  of  the  "identical  iieacli,"  supposed  to  have  been 
eaten  hy  Jenkt  Lino  at-  dcsserl,  the  search  for  a  'sensible  old  horse," 
who  must  be  a  rare  aiiimni  among  llic  tribe  of  senseless  doukies  in  the 
States — these  things,  we  suy,  liaviug  Ix-cn  tnilficieutly  dwelt  upon  else- 
where, we  think  reiteration  of  llie  facts  woiUd  he  superfluous.  We 
are,  however,  expecting  to  receive  telegrraphic  dispatclics  of  a  some- 
what startliog  onaraoter,  nor  should  we  be  surprised  if  the  next 
"latest  from  America"  should  announce  the  dissolution  of  the 
Republic,  and  the  proclamation  of  Jenny  Li^'u  a^  Queeu  of  the  United 
Slates,  with  Bjuucdk  as  chief  Secretary  for  Foreign  Atfairs— a  post 
for  which  his  long  aoquaintancc  with  such  foreign  affairs  asTotf  Tuunb, 
the  Sea  Serpent,  and  other  contents  of  his  museum,  renders  him  fully 
qoali6ed. 

Our  anticipations  are  realised,  the  following  is  the 

LATEST  FROM  A>rERICA.— JENNY  LIND. 
By  Ei^ctrio  Telegraph. 

Mr.  Paftrh'ji  0«f,  85.  ffeet  Sirwt. 
WiTHTX  a  minute  of  goin?  to  press,  we  have  received  the  following 
important  intelligence  from  Liverpool : — 

The  Tuntaiiou,  CaI'Tain  Suart  has  just  arrived  from  New  York, 
after  five  davs'  passage,  and  brings  tnc  following  authentic  information. 
•' Jenkt  LrNn  does  not  return  to  Europe.  On  the  conclusion  of  her 
engagement  (which  will  be  consideruhly  shorteued)  with  Bahnuii, 
Jeknt  will  be  crowned  Queen  of  the  IJnilrd  Siulrs,  the  actual  Pre- 
sident poUtely  retiring.  Jknny  accepts  oflicu  uudi-r  {.-onlniot  iilwuys  to 
ting,  in  so  many  airs,  to  the  people  of  the  amartebt  nation  upon  earth, 
vbftt  bai  been  hitherto  printed  ae  Presidents'  Speeches. 

"Two  atars  and  one  atripc  have  been  oddedi  to  the  American  flag: 
the  stars  are  Jemky'b  eyes,  and  the  slriiw  a  look  of  Jekxt's  hair." 


ADDT8C0MBE  GEESE. 


We  received  a  letter  last  week  from  a  Corporal— not  in  the  Guards, 
but  in  the  Uouourable  Company's  Establi<(hment  at  AddiscomKe.  Tliis 
comtnunication  is  signed  '  Triii," — which  betokens  an  acfiuaintanoe 
with  literature  that  we  are  glad  to  meet  with  in  a  young  soldier;  and 
there  is  only  one  grammatical  error  in  it ;  but  even  thai  we  believe  to 
be  a  mere  slip  of  the  pen^  not  at  all  deserving  corporal  pmiii^hment. 
Our  correspondent  wanteu  tu  knuw  huw  he  w&s  to  divide  one  goose 

gually  between  ten  cadets,— a  problem  which  the  liberality  of  the 
oaourabic  Company  would  require  him  to  solve  on  Michaelmas  Dav. 
Could  we  have  au5wcrcd  our  young  Suaj^dean  friend  in  time*  we  should 
have  advised  him  to  cut  the  goose  into  small  bits,  and  serve  them  out 
by  spuoi^uls^  by  whidi  meJius  hv  would  at  least  have  afTurded  his  com- 
rade«  ttie  satisfaction  of  a  perfect  tiiess.  Not  Ave  East  Imlia  Directors, 
we  wHl  venture  to  say,  ever  sat  donn  with  but  a  single  goose  at  table ; 
and  it  was  shabby  to  expect  twice  that  cumber  of  young  men  to  dine  off 
a  bird  whicli  though  "loo  much  for  two"  is  "not  enough  for  three." 
We  are  not,  however,  altogether  sorry  to  hear  tlmt  there  are  ten  cadets 
kt  Addxscombe  with  only  ouc  goose  among  the  lot. 


Oomplete  Facifloation  of  Ireland. 

The  wisdom  of  the  Synod  of  Thurles — a  wwdom  denouncing  the 
godless  colleges — a  wisdom,  no  doubt,  as  wisely,  as  sincerely,  and, 
wilhal,  as  reverently  admitted  hy  Mr.  Gaviw  Duynr,  of  the  Rational— 
bids  fair  to  stir  up  tht-  passiona  of  the  land,  renewing  the  ferment  that 
hopeful  folks  believed  i-bout  to  be  stilled  Nevertheless,  there  mav  be 
grauods  of  hope  for  the  ul'imale  tranauillity  of  Irehmd.  in  the  prophecy 
of  GlftALDUS  CAMBlu.''a»s,  who  declarDa  that  that  countrv  J^hnll  be 
trarutuil  a  little  before  Doomsday — "  fu:  paulh  ante  diem  Juaicii'  "  A 
little  before  Doomsd;!)  I  After  all,  may  not  Gijuldus  CjjiBaKKflia  be 
a  little  too  sanguine  ? 


LEADING   ARTICLE  ON  THE   ADMIRALTY 
AND  THEIR  IRON  STEAMERS. 

We  never  think  of  Cindkrelia  without  being  reminded  of  thft  LordH 
of  the  AdniifHlty,  because  an  iron  wor-stcomer  is  an  invention  «> 
analozons  to  a  glass  slipper.  To  dance  in  ^lass  shoes,  it  is  manifest, 
would  be  about  as  practicable  as  to  fight  m  iron  vessels;  and  either 
material  would  be  equally  likely  to  stand  a  ball.  Cindereixa's  ^Ibab 
dancing-shoe,  however,  is  a  hunnlrss  fable;  but  the  Admiralty's  iron 
fightinjf-ships  are  serious  fabrications.  As  to  the  slipper,  the  young 
lady  never  put  ber  foot  in  it,  which  cannot  be  said  of  my  loros  in  regara 
to  their  iron  steamers. 

Surely  it  might  have  occurred  to  any  being  but  an  animal  which 
shall  be  nameless,  that  a  vessel  made  at  a  foundry  would  be  certain  to 
founder.  We  cannot  conceive  how  anybody  could  think  of  using  iron 
to  buiid  vessels  of  wtir  with  unless  In  conscquetico  of  havinz  taken  an 
over-dose  of  n  chal>hcat<:,  of  w  liich  the  iron  got  into  his  heatf  Dij  the 
Admiiulty  distrust  the  valour  of  the  British  sailor,  and  think  to  depend 
on  the  metal  of  the  ship,  instead f  Doubling,  it  would  seem,  the 
strength  of  our  naval  bulwarks,  they  changed  them  for  defences  which 
are  mere  htdrushea.  The  harmony  with  which  thev  united  in  the  per- 
petration of  their  Iron  Follies  can  onlv  be  explained  on  the  supposition 
that  they  arc  hartnoniniis  blacksmitlis.  Inilced  their  unanimity  in 
audi  ftbsurdity  wniild  induce  one  to  lielicve  that  tlicy  had  but  ouc  mind 
^aud  that  a  disordered  one — to  aharc  among  iheir  whole  number. 

Of  course,  the  iron  vessels  caimot  cMst  a  moment  before  any  gnn 
hut  a  pop-guu.  Uad  this  not  been  demonstrated  by  experiment,  the 
iron  dctemiinatton  of  the  Lords  of  the  Admiraltv  would  doubtless  liavo 
soon  convert^Ml  our  whole  navy  into  a  maierini  whicli  can  only  stand  (Ire 
in  the  i\m\ic  uf  u  kettle  or  ii  saucepan.  In  fuel,  we  !>liuulil  have  >houfiht 
that  to  coustiuot  a  mun-or-warof  auch  a  substance  could  liave  occurred 
to  nobody  at  all  coniirclcd  with  nitutical  alfairs,  except  t  he  son  of  a  sea- 
cook,  llie  same  ingenuity  that  would  have  built  iron  line-of-baltle- 
shijis,  nould  probably  have  furnished  them  with  tin  ^ails,  ctjtton 
cordjige,  anchors  of  gutta  percha,  and  wooden  cannon. 

The  idea  of  pnTting  to  sea  in  a  wiuh-tub  is  <piile  di.staneed  by  that  of 
going  into  action  in  an  iron  pot,  as  woul  i  soon  have  been  don^  when 
every  dockyard  in  the  country  had  been  converted  into  a  marine  pan- 
technicon. 

We  hope  the  Admiralty  will  no  longer  file  their  mind  with  a  view  to  " 
supersede  the  Britifh  oak,  if  ihey  cau  pKKlu  e  no'luuu  hetier  for  thut 
pur|)use  than  iion  filings.  We  tru.-l  tluit  iliev  wili  have  no  more  such 
irons  in  the  lire  as  iron  uai-»lcanicr*<^  hut  wdl  mthrr  coumiit  all  Iheir 
plans  and  designs  of  such  numslro&ilies  lo  l[  c  nevouriiig  ctfment.  If 
they  intended  their  fcrteous  freak  in  navnl  Bic.iitecture  lor  iheir  urnuse- 
mcnt  merely,  they  have  been  amusing  theirseives  uio&t  unju^tifiubly,  at 
the  expense  of  tlic  nation,  in  a  strain  o:  oiltcr  ironv,  far  too  severe. 
Fortunately,  they  have  drowned  none  ol  cur  brave  sailors  in  their  war- 
kettles  ^  but  ilicy  have  bunk  a  mint  ol  capital.  We  wi>:th  they  oonid 
convert  their  ironmongery  back  into  gold;  but  such  alchemy  is  far 
beyond  thos  ,  who,  quacks  though  they  mav  \n\  are  no  conjurors.  In 
the  meantime  John  buLL  mes  the  blunuers  of  IhtM!  snip-smiths. 
1'he  iron  has  entetcd  his  soul,  and  the  money  has  gone  out  of  his 
pocket. 


MR.  PUNCH'S  GAME  LIST  FOR  1S50. 

In  the  Game  List  of  this  year,  we  do  not  meet  with  the  familiar 
name  of  Mn.  Fu^ch.  This  is  an  omission,  almost  amouutinK  to  a 
uublio  insult,  fur  it  must  be  confessed  that  uo  one  provides  the  United 
Kiugdoiii — the  United  World,  in  fact — with  such  capital  game,  and  such 
a  constant  supply  of  it,  as 


MR.  PUKCB, 

Djuuusb  dt  all  flovn  or  Gamv, 


The  following  is  a  correct  list  of  the  gentlemen  aud  public  bodies, 
who  have  kindly  consented  to  find  Mr.  PumcA  with  Game  during  the 
ensuing  year : — 


C^LOXKL  FinTiiiinr  I.inmllL 

Tas  Ambai  -      y'.xT. 

M».  Barjiv  rhamrat. 

Ma.  Juux   <  .  I'rDdluOloa  HftU, 

;if  -SUII   ^llr.    UiSi. 

ILiPAJCl    Ta^'SA(;p  f    Chatnbn-,    and    all 
oib-r  Hiimiri- 

Ub.  PABK.    Ua    HOLLOWAT,  Klill    ftU    13^*/. 

Au.    CU'iwtaaa,    FataAjios,     Agiifttori, 

ftnH  ll<ivl«rm. 
All  Hatxadi,  and  lyiaiiti,  aod  woaon- 

flogger*. 


Loan  BBOTwnAii,  BmaitliaTn   HaII,   P«n- 

rftli  «nd  CutQ^,  Prtnea. 
Tna  BoTAL  ACAE>icj(iciAKi,  Naileoal  OaU 

(•try. 
Mr.  Fraaous  nXo^noH.  Bning'n-F.nA. 
Turn  Dkak   a»d  Ckaptieii  or  fx.  PAiit'ii, 

aim)  all  ottH>r  pahUc  riblMtUilut 

flHtTarif-Lt)    MAk^KT,    «rMi    eY(t7   «ttMr 

k>n(t  r^r  (.'iiv  iiitlNAnr^. 
Am    fJvn  v..t-1'S    t*ii  PRv^ioinan,  ajtd 

Hi  '    «H  lb'»Ar  wtio  piit 

■    ;"!« t!irrryibUn;dgwn. 


And  MitmtroM  othsn,  fmr  too  t^out  io  mmUioH. 


WOMAN  AND  TEE  CAT. 

It  seoms  then  that,  with  our  thumb  in  oar  mouth,  we  must  stand  rebuked.  We  mast  accede  to 
the  diction  of  certain  of  our  conlcmporancs  that  it  is  a  necessary  part  of  generalship  to  flog  women. 
AnlhoriucA  have  been  sought  out  to  find  cat  companions  for  Tiger  Hatsau.  Even  the  Dckjs  or 
Welungion  has,  in  the  course  of  liis  lon^  and  glonous  life,  bestowed  six-and-thirt^  lashes  a  piece  on 
a  dozen  women.  "None  bat  the  brave  enaatise  the  fair."  To  be  sure  the  women  floff^d  in  Spain 
were  trulls  of  the  anuy ;  Moll  Fiaoffons,  who  plundered  and  pillaged,  and  in  many  cases  did  not  qwetly 
set  themselves  down  to  wait  ana  close  the  eyes  of  the  wounded  before  ther  possessed  tbemsclres 
of  the  personal  effects  of  the  dying— watches,  purses,  epaulettes,  whatever  the  Dooty  might  be.  "And 
bootv/  says  Bowailbow.  in  his  Soldier^ t  CatecAum^^  "  booty  ia  a  holy  thin^ !  "  Thieves  and  suspected 
muroeresses  were  floggea  by  the  Iron  Duke  in  Spam:  the  truth  of^this  is  shown  by  the  evidence  of 
a  UiRhlander ;  eWdencc  auoted  in  Scott's  Pant  RevisiUd;  and  therefore,  Uaysau  is  to  be  held  free 
of  odium  for  flo^ginK  Madame  Madek-sbach,  a  matron  of  spotless  honour,  whose  onlv  crime  was 
STmpathv  with  the  Hungarians,  MfG  Donaldson  "  the  best  woman  in  our  regiment,  for  whatever 
sno  might  lake  she  did  na  keep  it  all  to  herself* — Meg^  the  liberal  thief,  takes  rank  with  a  noble, 
high-BOuled  woman,  whose  husband,  maddened  by  the  infamy  wreaked  upon  his  wife,  blows  out  nis 
brains,  leaving  the  outraged  lady  a  desolate  widow.  And  these  are  the  examples  set  forth  in  defence  of 
Hatkau  I  Why  not  go  further  ?  In  his  time,  Calcoatt  the  luuigman  bas^  we  doubt  not,  fljtgellated 
female  thieves  and  wantons.  Why  not  produce  his  example  tn  extenuation  ot  the  acts  of  the  Austrian  F 
There  would  be  aomo  sort  of  fitneas  in  pairing  the  hangman  and  the  butcher ;  but  wo  protest  against 
an/  n^  of  the  Duke  in  aid  of  the  Manhal :  HATyau  must  not  be  whitened  by  the  pipeclay  of  a 
Welukoton. 


•^-r^*^ 


CzBEXoyr  of  rBBasyinrG  Tint  BiTOV  to  toe  "Wail^oe"  Uatkav. 


LAYING  ON  THE  CAMBRIDGE  BUTTEll  A  LITTLE  TOO  THICK. 

Mb.  CoLiy  Maccexzie  assures  us,  in  a  letter  to  the  Times^  that  none  of  the  subscriptions  for 
the  proposed  testimonial  to  the  "good  Dukjs"  or  Caubbidge  have  bran  drawn  from  the  funds 
of  any  Charitable  Institution.  We  would  not  contradict  the  word  of  any  Secretary,  but  we  will 
swear  that,  amongst  the  printed  subscriptions  to  the  above  object,  we  saw  the  loUowing  Ime  ;— 

"  Oniry  Lua  TheatHcsI  Fond £10  10«." 

This  snm  ia  drawn,  not  from  a  flourishing  fund,  but  ^m  one  that  is  rather  straggling  for  means. 
Have  the  Cambridge  Testimonial  Committee  accepted  the  £10,  and,  if  so,  do  they  intend  to  keep  it  ? 
Do  they  mean  to  go  upon  the  principle  laid  down  at  the  bottom  of  the  Drury  Lane  play-buls — 
when  Drury  Lane  had  play-bills — of  No  Money  RetobnkdP"  If  so,  we  propose  that  at  the  next 
anniversary  of  the  Drury  Lane  Theatrical  Fund  Dmner,  at  which,  of  course,  the  present  Good  Ddke  of 
Caubridor  ("  good  '*  for  aliuut  £26,000  a  year  of  the  people's  money)  will  preside,  the  above  Committee, 
with  Mr.  Colin  Mackenzie  at  its  head,  be  made  to  walk  round  the  room  of  the  Freemasons'  Tavern, 
in  pursuance  with  the  plan  i^nerally  followed  out  at  pubhc  dinners  by  schools,  and  other  recipients  of  a 
charity.  Really,  this  ercctmg  a  monument  on  a  poor-box  ia  bringing  disgrace  on  the  very  name  it  is 
wished  to  honour.    It  is  taking  the  bread  of  the  living  to  give  a  stone  to  the  d^uL 


Ir  any  mazdr  breaat  ia  the  better 
for  a  badge  of  nonour,  there  certainly 
is  one  special  case  in  which  thai  part 
of  the  human  body  oo^ht  to  be  de- 
corated. The  thorax  within  which  is 
a  heart  truly  philanthropic  should,  of 
all  chests,  have  a  Star  on  its  exterior. 
Banitory  heroes  in  particular— the  moi 
of  intrepid  souls  and  indomitaUt 
stomachs,  who  face  typhus  and  noae 
snlpDurctted  hydrogen,  who  bnve 
Death  in  the  mouth  of  his  own 
gravepit — deserve  to  be  adorned  as 
to  the  pectoral  region.  A  great  eon* 
queror  in  the  flela  of  filth  miirht  bi 
most  appropriately  invested  with  tibe 
Order  ot  the  Bath  and  Waahhooas^ 
To  which  might  be  added— in  case  of 
need,  which  generally  f>  the  case 
anotoer  order  \  a  cheque  on  the  Trea- 
sury for  a  certain  annual  sumj^ot  leas 
than  £25,  nor  exceeding  £13,000. 

It  is  contemplated  by  Government 
to  accord  some  such  tribute  aa  that 
referred  to  last,  to  that  realljr  eaor- 
mous  benefactor  of  his  speoes  in 
general,  and  of  the  metropolitan  va- 
rietr  thereof  in  narticular,  the  author 
of  Oaih^nffi  fnm  Gravfyardt"  and 
of  all  the  good  there  is  in  the  Inter- 
ments Bill,  Mju  Qeobge  Axnui> 
Walkzb.  Vulgar  incredulity  need 
not  ttkiO  this  gentleman's  surname. 
We  have  stated  the  fact.  Uoreminait 
ia  about  decreeing  a  Testiznonial  to 
Walkkb. 

Be  it,  however,  understood  that  the 
Goremment  alluded  to  is  not  the  firm 
of  MxasBa.  Russell  and  Co.,  Tax- 
niaiten  and  Providers  for  the  Royal 
Family.  That  concern  has  quite  re- 
linquished the  higher  departments  of 
State-business,  such  as  tnc  promotioo 
of  political  and  social  reform,  and, 
witQ  a  view  to  it,  the  reward  and  ea- 
couragement  of  eminent  merit.  Hini 
patronage,  of  late,  has  been  confined  Eo 
that  comparativelyunimportant  distriet 
of  these  dominions  termed  Flunkey- 
dom;  and  they  have  nearly  limited 
their  operations  to  the  anatociatie 
eatate  and  agency  line.  The  Gorem- 
ment which  is  goinf  to  grant  Ml 
Walxxe  a  Testimonial  is  the  Gorem- 
ment of  His  Majxstt  thb  Pirsuc^  to 
which  the  Downing- Street  Cabinet 
leaves  the  consideration  of  all  matien 
of  higher  consequence  than  aix-and- 
eightpence — except,  alwavs,  the  salaries 
of  Royal  Dukes,  and  sucn  like. 

No  other  tax  will  be  impmed  on 
account  of  the  Walker  TestimonMl 
Fund  than  a  small  per-oenta^  of  con- 
silence-money.  In  addition,  it  is  only 
necessary  to  state  that  the  sums  now 
due  for  this  object  from  national  grati- 
tude may  be  paid  to  the  credit  of  Lobs 
Dudley  CocTra  Stuajit,  at  the  Trea- 
sury—Messrs.  CouTTs  and  Co.— or  ai 
the  branch  ofBoes,  which  are  all  other 
hanks  in  town  or  country. 


Good  Nrws  ?or  tke  Kitchem.— Wc  find,  from  the  astronomical  intelli^nce  of  the  month,  that,  on  a 
piven  day,  "  the  raoou  will  enter  Aries."  We  have  received  several  communications  from  cooks  and  ol  hem 
m  the  domestic  interest,  who  are  anxious  to  know,  whether,  as  the  moon  is  likely  to  enter  Aries,  there 
is  any  ohanco  of  the  sun  catering  underground  kitchens,  to  which  that  luminary  has  long  been  a  stranger. 


A  Warning  to  Small  8oTer«Sctt*> 

HzasECASSELremainsqniet.although 
the  £lector  remains  away !  Should  not 
this  fact  be  a  warning  to  little  kinn  P 
"Affairs,"  say  accounts,  "  are  ii£ac 
their  every-day  oonrse,"  no  doubt  to 
the  wonder  of  the  Elector.  The  wheel 
contrives  to  go' round,  altboogb,  to  the 
astonishment  of  the  fly,  kh«  ty  b 
whirled  into  the  dnat ! 


4 
t 


^ 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIAIUVARL 


151 


I 


THE  POACHER  OF  WESTMORELAND. 

ZkdicaUtd  to  LoJiD  B— M  jUfD  V— x. 

I  rnisT  ht^n  as  a  lawyer;  in 

time  I  TTBs  made  a  Peer, 
And   I   serred   my  country 

faithfully    for    more    tliaa 

forty  year, 
Till  I  came  down  to  poaching ; 

the  truth  you  aoon  shall 

hear: 
Oh,  'tis  my  dcUght  of  a  hazy 

njght  to  fish  with  net  and 

apcar! 

As  mc  and  my  companions 
our  nets  a  la>Hng  were. 

The  water  bailiffs  was  watch- 
ing us,  but  for  them  we 
didn*t  care ; 

For  we  thought  we  should  be 
a  match  for  them  if  they 
dared  to  iuterfcrc : 

And  'tis  my  delight  of  a  hazy 
night  to  fish  with  net  and 
spear! 

There  was  me  and  the  Mabquis  or  Domto,  and  our  lady-folks  and  BiLt ; 
Likewise  John  White  the  gardener,  renowned  for  art  and  skill ; 
And  RoBsoji  too,  and  Ajujstbong,  both  ohl  hands  well  known  up  here : 
Oh,  'tis  my  delight  of  a  hazy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear ! 

All  in  the  river  Eamont  our  nets  we  scarce  had  laid, 
Wlien  down  the  watchers  came  on  ns  with  Peerith  at  their  head. 
And  arter  us  they  boldly  plunged  in  the  atrtam  so  bright  and  clear : 
Oh,  'tis  my  delight  of  a  haxy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear ! 

They  tried  to  seize  our  tackle,  which  we  wouldn't  stand,  in  course, 
And  our  side  pulled  away  'gin  theim  with  all  their  might  and  force ; 
Wliilst  me  and  noble  Douno  did  our  companions  cheer : 
Oh,  His  my  delight  of  a  hazy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear  1 

There  was  Sir  Gkorgz  Mcbojlave's  gameJcceper  a  pulling  for  his  life, 
When  what  does  Johnny  Peerjth  do  but  helps  him  to  a  knife ; 
By  which  means  of  our  tackle  he  cuts  off  ci  ht  yards,  near : 
Ob,  'tis  my  delight  of  a  hazy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear ! 

JOHW  RoBSON,  notwithstanding,  held  on  to  it  so  tight  ' 
That  they  dragged  him  out  on  t'other  side,  when  he  offered  them  to  fight ; 
"  Come  on ! "  he  says,  "  I  'm  ready  for  the  best  man  standing  here :" 
And  'tis  my  delight  of  a  hazy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear ! 

The  skrimmage  being  ended,  afore  the  beaks  we  went. 
For  to  have  the  case  decided,  which  wam't  to  our  content,^ 
As  they  gave  it  dead  agin  us ;  yet  still  we  'U  perserere : 
Oh,  'lis  my  delight  of  a  hazy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear ! 

Bad  luck  1o  fish-prcscners,  all  that  dwell  in  every  shire, 
The  same  to  water-bailiffs,  who  won't  let  as  drag  and  wire ; 
Success  to  every  poacher,  by  river,  brook,  or  mere : 
And  'tis  my  delight  of  a  hazy  night  to  fish  with  net  and  spear  t 


The  Cambridge  Monument. 

Leeks,  the  Hon.  Sec.  to  the  embr>o  Cambridge  Monument  ("the 
nature  of  which,  whether  a  charitable  institution  or  otherwise,  will  be 
decided  "  when  the  money  is  collected,  which,  wo  take  it,  is  giving  a 
nrctty  long  day) — Leeks  nas  called  another  meeting  of  the  General 
Committee,  to  count  the  hal^)enoe  up  to  the  present  time  subscribed, 
and  to  solicit  further  contributions.  All  we  have  to  say  is— "Gentle 
IHiblic,  take  carv  of  your  pockets."  Leekb  is  evidently  not  a  moving 
hand  ai  a  begging  advertisement.  Why,  then,  does  not  the  Committee 
ouhier  Lbbils  and  try  Onions  P 


The  "IiLuriEOLD  Wiutbr."-Mji.  O.  P.  U.  Jamm. 


THE    GOVERNESS-GEINDERS. 

We  were  langht  from  tie  nursery  sougs  of  our  infancy  ^o  have  a 
decent  horror  of  those  monsters  whose  practice  it  was  to  "grind  the 
bones'*  of  their  fcllowcreaturcs  to  "make  their  bread,"  but  the  process 
of  grinding  down  human  l)rinps  is  not  unknown  iu  these  days — the 
scene  of  the  operation  being  often  the  nursery  itself,  and  the  victim  the 
nursery- jfovemess.  We  are  6orr>'  to  say  the  purpose  of  this  revolting 
process  is  not  eo  justifiable  even  ns  the  object  attributed  to  the  giants 
m  the  fairy  tales,  who  were  in  the  habit  of  grinding  bones,  at  all  events, 
to  "moke  their  oread,"  but  the  go vcmcss- grinders  of  the  present  day 
resort  to  their  inhuman  practice  for  the  purpose  of  rendering  the 
task  of  "  making  bread "  so  irksome  and  dimcult  as  to  be  umost 
impossible. 

We  arc  determined  to  "  put  down,"  wherever  we  can  detect  it,  that 
mingled  mass  of  nride  and  meanness,  that  base  coiniraund  of  affectation 
and  cruelty,  whicn  is  to  he  met  Mith  amongst  people  who  like  to  boast 
of  "keeping"  a  governess,  when  Ihcy  know  iHey  are  in^uQiciently 
maintaining  on  educated  person  to  do  double  the  wurk  of  the  domestic 
drudge,  at  scarcely  the  wages  of  the  lowest  menial.  We  beg  leave  to 
ask  any  one  not  belonging  to  the  govrrnrs^-ticrinding  class — and  even 
some  of  them  would  blush  to  be  fuuiid  out  iii  such  ou  affair  as  we  are 
about  to  disclose  in  the  following  well-aulhenlicated  case — whether  the 
person  making  the  stipulations  set  forth  below,  is  anything  better  than 
an  impertinent  humbug,  if,  having  got  a  poor  wretch  to  ciUer  the 
domejilic  Pandemonium  implied  in  on  attempt  to  fulfil  tlie  annexed 
conditions,  she,  "  the  lady" — as  one  of  the  contracting  porties  is^  in 
these  cases,  bv  courtesy,  colled— has  tlic  impudence  to  boost  of  "kcepwg 
a  governess  ?  The  following  proposition— the  truth  of  wluch  haa 
been  respectably  guaranteed  to  us — was  made^  not  long  o^o,  to  a 
well-educated  young  lady  who  had  advertised  for  the  situation  of  a 
governess. 

"  She  was  to  sleep  in  a  room  with  three  beds,  containing  herself, 
four  children  and  servant ;  to  rise  at  a  i  to  6 ;  give  the  cliildren  their 
bath^  dress  them,  and  be  ready  for  breakfast  at  a  i  to  8.  School, 
9  to  12 ;  \  past  3  to  4 ;  and  besides  tuis,  to  give  two  hours'  lessons 
in  music.  To  teach  drawing,  rudiments  of  French  (speaking  it  as  much 
OS  possible),  and  general  knowledge.  To  be  proficient  iu  plain  and 
fancy  work,  which  she  was  to  spend  her  evenings  in  doing,  not  for 
herself,  but  for  her  mistress.  She  was  to  have  the  baby  on  her  knee 
while  teaching,  and  to  put  all  the  children  to  bed.  Salary  10  guineas 
per  annum,  and  to  pay  for  her  own  tcothinff" 

Putting  aside  the  downright  brutolit;?  of  this  proposal,  there  is  a 
degree  of  iffnoranrc  perfectly  characteristic  in  the  hare  expectation 
of  Dcing  able  to  meet  with  a  female  Crichton,  who  should  com- 
mand aU  the  qualities  required,  and  execute  the  educational  part  of 
her  duties  "  with  the  baby  on  her  knee."  Perhaps  the  "  lady  "  wishing 
her  "  governess  "  to  be  a  model  to  her  children  of  all  the  virtues,  is 
anxious  to  pUce  her  in  positions  which  must  bring  out  tlic  attributes  of 
asamt,  if  &be  is  fortunate  enough  to  be  possessed  of  them.  Patience. 
Humility,  Endurance,  Industry,  and  fifty  other  admirable  qualities, 
would  be  necessary  at  every  hour  of  the  day  for  the  proper  disobargo 
of  the  various  tasks  set  down  forthia  paragon  of  a  ten-gujnca  governess. 
She  must  have  no  pride  for  she  is  to  sleep  as  one  of  six  in  a  room  vrith 
the  servant ;  she  must  discharge  the  duties  of  a  nurse,  but  she  must  bo 
satisfied  with  far  less  than  a  nurse's  wages,  and  she  must  spend  her 
evenings  in  needlework,  without  even  the  paltry  comings  of  a  needle- 
woman being  paid  to  ner.  She  must  give  separate  lessons  for  two 
boars  each  day  in  mnsic.  and,  in  fact,  do  the  music- master's  work 
without  getting  one  farthing  of  the  music-master's  money. 

In  addition  to  this,  a  certain  adroitness  in  the  art  of  Uger  tk  mam 
will  be  essential ;  as.  "  while  teaching  she  must  have  the  baby  on  her 
knee ;"  a  piece  of  manual  dexterity  toat  must  require  some  experience 
in  the  science  thot  "  pRorES&OR "  Rislet  and  other  posture-masters 
ore  in  the  habit  of  practising. 

We  will  simply  ask  what  the  parent  deserves,  who  consigns  four 
children  mentoUy  and  bodily  from  morning  till  nignt,  beginning  at  the 
wash-tub,  passing  through  the  primer,  tne  piano,  the  cxcrcisc-book, 
the  French  language,  and  terminating  at  night  in  the  bath — we  ask 
what  does  a  mother  tleserve  who  consigns  four  chddren  for  all  these 
purposes  to  "  one  pair  of  hands  "  at  ten  guineas  per  annum  ?  Would 
she  not  be  rightly  punished  if  the  unfortunate  brats  were  to  be  half- 
washed  halftdught,  and  occasionally  half-killed,  by  accident,  or  by 
each  other,  owins  to  the  confusion  existing  in  the  Mwiidered  brain  ol 
the  less  than  half-naid  "govcmesa"  cmpioyetl  to  nurse,  educate,  and 
otherwise  completely  "do    for  them  P 

We  admire  the  affectation  of  such  persons  as  the  would-be  contract- 
ing party  in  this  case,  who,  when  they  realty  want  a  very  bumble  descrip- 
tion of  mud-of-all-work,  have  the  audacity  to  insult  the  educated 
E>rtion  of  the  female  coinmunity,  by  advertising  for  a  "governess." 
ft  things  be  called  by  their  right  names:  and  henceforth,  let  the 
words,  "  WAXTEn  a  Domestic  D»udoe  ! "  be  placed  at  the  top  of  all 
eimilar  advertisements." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


153 


MunnmPDWif  Ar  Tkdcwmi,  tiie  CiLumATKo  WBun  VlAmm. 


OF  1850. 

HERE  has  just  been  held 
M.  kl;vl,  :ii:,oiiii  the  rills 
uwi  niouBlains  of  "VValps, 
a  great  Congress  of  Hardu 
to  cclobntfl  a  feast  railed 
an  Eisteddvod.  TheoriKin 
of  this  fca5t,  thowffh  the 
Icampd  have  had  a  tre- 
mendous hunt  after  it  in 
the  forests  of  aiiliquity. 
lias  not  been  found  ;  and 
the  leanicd  mijrht  just  as 
well  have  indulged  their 
anti(|uamn  ^portbiimnship 
by  iiuulinga  Welsh  ruhbit. 
An  irreverent  uiquirer 
lias  pretended  to  ascertain 
liiat  the  Kistcddvod  was 
orisrimilly  afeasl  of  Eiilera 
— now  written  Oysters  ; 
but  as  Wales  never  was 
the  source  of  Oysters — 
for  who  ever  beard  of 
"VV hales  with  oystcrsotircc 
— wo  reject  the  hy^xj 
hesis.  Better  attlhontics 
tell  Its  that  PltiscE  Gkik- 
FUD— an  Irisli  Wdshinun 
or  Webb  Irishmnn  — 
having  a  tolernhly  deen 
voice  (acircumstunotfwhicii 
has  no  doubt  given  us  the 


Ven  I  comes  to  overhaul  it, 

i'lcsh  me — tunpensh  would  bo  dear. 

Veil— I  musbl  do  bislmcss  vid  yer 
Ave  ycr  ^)t  a  ve&cut  old  ? 

Thai  vun— veil— I  '11  sixpence  bid  yet-, 

( HamdM  over  (V  tirptmee^  oni  loots  oner  «i«n  at    (J|« 
artirl*M. 

ricaht,  if  now  I  *ve  not  been  ahold. 

The  Eist^ddrodd  waa  unpleasantlv  brought 
to  a  cluse — though  eveiv  one  bau  thought 
that  its  coming  tn  an  ena  must  aJwavs  w  a 
suhjecl  of  oongratulation — by  one  of  the  gal- 
leries sympalliising  with  the  snrrotindlng 
ruins,  and  tuinhting  to  pieces.  H-  ppUy  no 
one  was  seriously  hurt,  and  the  only  wohdcr 
is  how  the  timbers  stood  so  long  under  the 
infliction  of  the  very  heavy  music,  lis  wei^jht 
might  have  crushed  a  more  substuntiul  stnic* 
turc  in  hoi'  the  time;  but,  though  it  stood 
the  affair  as  long  as  possible,  wood  nud  brick 
— like  flesh  and  blood— may  be  tixed  ptist 
endorance ;  and  if  there  were  any  doubt  as 
to  walls  having  eara,  the  noint  was  i^elLled 
at  the  Eistcddvodd,  where  tiie  walla  cxliibited 
sufiicient  car  to  refuse  any  longer  to  listi'n  i«i 
the  twangs  and  moanings  of  the  liardic  coui- 
[>et  iters. 

After  the  harping  waa  all  over,  there  was 
held  a  Goned  Gtc^nnald,  or  Assembly  of 
Druids,  where  a  AormaAJke'.  proceeding  wiis 
got  npin  the  Castle  court-yard,  with  twelve 
milestones  in  a  circle,  and  a  couple  of  lar^ 
stones  placed  on  each  other  in  tlie  centre — 
us  if  the  pnJds  were  goiug  to  have  a  game 
at  duck — ^just  as  wc  have  seen  it  arranged 
on  the  stage  of  the  Opera.  There  was  uo 
admission  for  anyone  l)nt  the  l>ruids  them- 
selves ;  unless  anyone  hod  been  fortunate 
rnuuph  to  have  walked  out  in  his  bed-clothes, 
when,  in  this  curious  specimen  of  sheet' 
armour,  he  might  have  been  mistaken  for  a 
Dniid — such  ns  we  have  seen  them  in  Norma 
—and  gained  admission  among  the  mile- 
stones. 

Old  customs  are  very  good  things  to  keep 
up  when  they  are  really  re*pect-«ble.  but  aU 
this  fiardic  nmininen-  ap|.M.-ar!t  to  be  so  essen- 
tially hca^y,  unmeaning,  and  "slow,"  to  the 
eyes  and  ears  of  ncArly  the  whole  of  iho  exist- 
ing generation,  thai  wc  arc  inclined  to  re- 
gard the  whole  thing  as  a  sillv  riddle,  that 
ought  to  be  "  given  up  "  immctfiately. 


^ 


word  Gmff,  fiora  GRUTFtJD)  invited  some  Hibernian  minstrels  to  hibcrnise  or  pass  the  winter 
in  Wales,  and  practise  their  music.  This  led  to  a  triennial  meeting,  when  deaxees  were  con- 
ferred, a  Master  of  Music  being  called  a  Distrjlilaidd  ;  and  from  these  tjlaidds  or  blades,  they 
selected  their  Mns.  I>)C3,  who  were  cal]e<l  by  flome  name,  which  is  consonant  no  doubt  to  Welsh 
feelings,  but  consisting  of  nothing  but  cousouauts.  is  not  at  nil  consonant  to  ours  and  we 
therefort;  beg  to  take  the  privilege  of  omitting  it.  The  Welsh  Mus.  Doc.  was  supposed  to  have 
"muKied"  to  puch  an  extent,  as  to  know^  among  other  niatteru.  40  aettpm,  20  r^igerdd^ 
with  a  smattering  of  the  3  luirrAtel  when,  if  he  was  tolerably  well  "up"  in  all  these  un- 
pmnounceahlc  affaira^  be  was  himself  pronounced  competent,  In  the  infancy  of  the  art,  the 
Welsh  Bards'  favountc  companions  were  their  piiM^s ;  but  the  advance  of  improvement  soon 
put  their  pipes  out,  and  the  banis  jidhcrcd  stringeiilly  to  stringed  instmincnls. 

GiiuLDis  C'AMnnKN.srs  tells  us,  that  formerly  all  their  music  was  in  one  key;  but  unless  it 
hod  been  n  street-door  key,  we  doubt  \rholher  it  vould  have  he-en  sutlicienily  capacions  for  their 

If  wc  thoogbt  fit  to  narade  our  learning,  wo  could  tell  how  Twk  BAoh— poor  Toac  Bacii, 

the  ancestor  no  doubt  of  our  old  friend  Sbbastiak — was  a  celthnitcd  harper  in  Elizabeth's 
time,  and  how  one  PoweL;  who  lived  in  the  reign  of  George  the  Second,  lias  gained  ccli;brily, 
or  rather  got  a  handle  to  his  name,  hy  the  notice  and  fricndshiii  of  IIandil.  Coming,  however, 
slap  down  upon  the  Bards  of  1850,  wc  iind  them  in  sonic  old  ruins  at  Rhyl,  where  they 
Ittve  planted  themselves  amonff  the  cnimhling  brickwork  of  the  dilapidated  Castle  of  Mhnddlan. 

The  Welsh  are  suQicicntly  Euj^Iish  to  b<:  unabh)  to  do  an>lhing  without  a  dinner,  and  there 
waa  a  sort  of  picnic  in  the  niinn.  There  were  some  patriotic  speeches  of  such  a  stirring 
oharact4?r  in  the  Welsh  tongue,  that  it  is  a  wonder  the  teeth  of  the  orators  were  not  cracked  to 
pieces  by  the  rush  of  consonants,  which  was  so  terrific,  that  in  the  utter  absence  of  anything 
ukc  aua  e  i  GOT  w,  it  was  (juite  refreshing  to  meet  with  c\cn  a  stray  v;  and  when  the  excited 
auditory  burst  out  with  roars  of  **  ClifufcA,  Ciyteei"  the  car  felt  relieved  by  having  something 
pronounceable  to  dwell  upon. 

Those  who  could  not  understand  the  speakers  had  a  fortunate  c?cap<»,  for  the  Welsh  rant  turns 
cmt  to  have  been  an  appeal  for  raumiing  the  Welsh  tongue  down  all  our  thruuts,  iusistLuff  on 
"the  leek,  the  whole  leek,  and  nothing  but  the  leek,"  as  a  great  political  principle.  It  is 
evident  that  the  leek— unlike  the  onion— has  no  affinity  with  the  sage,  at  least  m  the  mouths  of 
the  Welsh  orators. 

The  contest  for  the  prizes  was  the  re^l  bnsiness  of  the  Eisteddvod,  and  ten  Bards  were  com-  compelled  lo  iook  on    ««« 
petitors  for  a  gold  medal,  to  be  given  for  the  best  variations  on  "Pen  Rhaw."  but  most  of  the  ownage  which  their  dTK-ks^mSiiii 
them  deprived  the  Pen  of  all  its  pith  nnd  jKiinl,  Iwsidea  completely  spoiling  the  Khaw  material,   committing  in  every  direction      It  is  time 
Judging  hy  the  elTeot  of  the  Welsh  harp  on  carb  uot  naturalised,  or  having  had  tlieir  scoaibility  .  .  J  .       • 

deatroyed  by  that  odious  nightcap — suited  only  to  the  dark  ages— the  Welsh  wig,  wc  should 


THE  DUCKS  AND  DRAKES 
ST.  JAMES'S  PARK. 


IK 


Tde  public  is  requested  bv  the  flattering 
appeal  of  many  signboards  to  protect  the 
valuable  collection  of  a<iuatic  fowls  in  St. 
Jamea's  Park."  We  winder  no  one  has 
listened  to  this  appeal  bv  scaring  away  the 
ducks  and  drakcji  which  M'mi^ters  have  been 
recently  playino;  with  that  property;  for 
though  it  niay  be  most  delightful  plaving  to 
them  during  their  vacations,  it  can  be  any- 
thing but  agreeable  sport  to  those  who  are 
compelled  to  look  on,  and  (piietlr  witne^^s 


My  that  the  Weh>h  harp  ought  to  be  hung  iip  for  ever  in  Tarn's  balls,  if  Tara  will  allow  of  such 
anaisanoe  at  the  bottom  of  his  staircase.  If  the  Wt-Uh  can  have  an  Eisteddvod  in  Wales  on  the 
strenirth  of  their  uistriuneuts,  the  Jews  might  certainly  gtt  up  with  their  harps  in  Holywell  Street 
a  kind  of  Ouldclousiodd  of  an  equally  interesting  ciinracter.  nor  do  we  sec  miy  the  Scotch  should 
not  come  boldly  to  the  scratch  and  hold  an  opposition  gathering  by  virtue  of  their  Scotch 
fiddle, 

We  can  imagine  the  installation  of  Smouchee,  the  Rag  Fair  Bard,  executiiig  in  a  minor  worthy 
of  the  Minorics,  a  strain  like  the  following,  which  is  at  uU  events  more  uitcUigible  than  tiio 
fOag  begiuning,  "  GireU  m'arffietm  po'r  MM  pfr  kidlard''  sung  at  the  Eisteddvodd. 


Clow,  Clow,  Clo,  Clo.  gentle  CiaOE, 

Vftsht  you  visht  to  buy  or  aril  F 
Vat  if  I  should  loosh  a  joey. 


Bhelp  mc.  I  ahiiU  udge  ye  rell. 

Vt,  vol's  this—a  coat  yer  call  it, 
Lookej  oar,  and  ear,  and  ear; 


they  were  driven  out,  or  else  there  may  be 
no  end  to  the  mischief  these  villainows  birds 
will  leave  behind  them,  wherever  tliey  are 
allowed  to  plav.  "Play"  is  a  carious  terra 
for  tliut  which  is  so  serious  in  its  ennw- 
qucnocs;  but  in  this  instance  it  is  iwrfcctly 
«ell  applied,  for  the  ministenAl  game  of 
Ducks  and  Drakes  in  St.  James's  Park  during 
the  recess,  when  there  is  no  possibility  oT 
stopping  it,  is  certainly  the  greatest  instance 
'  fowl  p'ay 


of 


wfi  ever  witnessed. 


Vebt  Ccwocb!— Tliere  has  not  been  a 
fin  «t  Graveaend  this  week ' 


"<^.v    V. 


I5i 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


SHEEITF  CABDEN  ON  "THE  ARMY  AND  NAVY." 

GoosR  ia  sacTcd  to 
Michftelmas  ;  and 
Mb.  Alderman 
Cajidem,  brao-uew 
sheriff,  sworn  in  on 

>  tfao  morrow  of  St, 
Micbad,  deUvered 
iumscU  of  a  speech, 
quite  worthy  of  the 
legendary  \igilance 
■nd  sagacity  of  the 
featlicred  mouitor. 
Garden  spoke  of 
peace  and  war ;  and 
when  he  hod  spoken, 
surely  a  sympathetic 
cackle  must  liavc 
been  heard  on  every 
moor  and  coiumoi^ 
and  itt  every  fami- 
ynrdof  the  kmedom . 
The    multitudinous 

E:csc  of  the  fens  of 
iucoln  most  have 
raised  tfaomaclvea 
upon  their  Im,  and 
with  van-like  flapping  of  a  hundred  tho\isand  wings,  cackled—"  lo 
Caeden."  The  sage  owl  was  dedicated  to  Genghis  KbaK;  let  the 
soge-and-onion  goose  be  henceforth  quartered  and  token  to  the  arms  of 
Cabden. 

Mb.  ALDEBaiAK  Cabden,  at  his  inauguration  banquet,  gave  "  the 
nealth  of  the  Army  and  the  Navy ; "  thereupon  declaring  that  "it  was 
the  interest  of  all  nations,  he  believed,  to  be  prepared  for  war,  for  m 
that  consisted  the  best  means  of  preserving  peace. 

Thus  it  is  the  interest  of  all  nations  to  play  at  beggar-my-neighboui 
in  builoing  ships,  enlisting  men,  and  casting  cannon,  that  the  ships  may 
never  be  launriied,  the  men  never  be  brougnt  into  the  field,  the  cannon 
never  be  Grcd.  Caroen  is  for  preserving  peace ;  but  then  it  must  be 
peace  at  the  "make-ready"  position.  All  nations  may  be  at  amity,  if 
all  nations  bave  tlieir  artUiery  at  full-cock. 

AXDEBMAM  Caju>eh  was,  in  his  early  days,  a  soldier.  "  But  the 
prospect  of  peace  soon  convinced  him  "—said  Mb.  Bullock,  Common- 
Servrea&t,  and  official  eulofHst  of  the  callow  Sheriff — "that  the  arrnr 
woold  no  longer  afford  sufficient  occupation  for  his  energy  and  industr}'," 
Whereupon,  Mr  Cardeh,  taking  the  bull  by  the  horns,  "  became  an 
eminent  member  of  the  Stock  Exchange."  jIb.  Cabden  "employed 
himself  in  the  monetary  transactions  of  great  nations  in  amity.  lie 
turned  from  gun-metal,  and  subsided  to  bullion.  Nevertheless,  like 
a  bit  of  old  cartridge-paper,  Cabden — the  financial  and  peaceful  Cardkn 
— continues  to  smell  woundily  of  gunpowder. 

And  yet  Alderman  Cakden  has  latent  hopes  of  peace.    Yes — 

"  n«  aUo  WM  or  opinion  thst  th«  mlsblj  litA  deT*lop«l  to  tb«  world  by  Paiscx 
AusBT,  vith  refervdoa  to  the  crul  Indortrtal  Exhibition  of  all  Nattooi,  would  aflbrd 
a  l)*lt«r  ehanoe  for  tlia  eonilnoaaM  of  pmm  thu  all  tba  Poaoa  CooKraaaaa,  wbetber 
held  Id  London  or  Frank^rt,  or  lo  aay  otlwr  quarter  of  the  world,  or  all  tlui  rbodo- 
raootadfi  spHcbM  that  might  be  Rpoutiid  in  Bach  auomhllea." 

In  1851,  SrTEBrrp  Cabden,  as  an  important  civic  officer,  will  doubt- 
lesB  have  to  cnlcrtiun  the  reprcaeutativcs  of  the  commerce  and  industry , 
of  the  world,  coniurcd  mto  Paitos's  crystal  palace,  hy  the  "mightyi 
idea  developed  "  by  Fkince  Albert.  VVcll,  will  the  Sheriff,  should  he ' 
speak  to  or  of  these  men,  will  be  dilate  upon  the  glorious  manifestation 
of  the  world's  industrial  and  commercial  power,  only  as  the  preface  to  a 
martial  charge?  Will  he,  in  the  fulness  of  his  heart,  discourse  of  the 
family  of  man,  and  the  common  interests  and  common  blood  of  human 
nature:  only  to  advise  every  member  of  the  family  on  his  return  home, 
to  build  ships  of  war,  and  maintain  standing  armica  ?  Peace  may  grow 
her  palms  in  the  jjlass-house  of  Hyde  Park ;  but,  nations  of  the  earth, 
for  all  that — implies  Cardek— keep  a  sharp  eye  upon  your  grape  ana 
canniater.  We  would  rather  advise  that  nation  should  "  take  stock  " 
of  nation— bat  Garden  says  no ;  let  every  nation  be  armed  to  the  teeth, 
■nd  then,  and  only  then,  it  may  enjoy  the  perfect  sweets  of  peace. 
Thus,  were  we  to  oak  a  modem  councillor  of  the  Cabubn  class, "  by 
wluit  means  sluUl  wc  best  hope  to  love  our  neighbour  as  ourself  P"  we 
might  expect  this  pithy  answer— "Buy  a  blunderbuss."  A  man  once 
Mnorantl^  sowed  gunpowder  for  onion  seed,  and  waited  in  conGdence 
for  a  crop.  Caeden,  in  his  intelligence,  would  sow  bullets,  that  he 
might  sit  under  the  shade  of  olives. 

A  great  year  ia  before  Sheriff  Garden;  therefore,  we  submissively 
hope  that  he  will  forget  he  was  once  a  soldier.  That  he  may  do  so, 
we  incline  to  offer  him  a  brief  stor^. 

Once  upon  a  time,  a  butcher,  with  a  basket  on  his  ami.  was  carried 
at  full  gallop  into  a  regiment  of  dragoons  at  a  review.    The  old  horse 


had  once  l>eeJi  in  the  service,  and  ambling  along,  bcannff  legs  and 
shoulders  of  mutton,  heard  the  well-known  trumpet,  and  forgetful  of 
his  later  calling,  gallopped  to  the  ranks.  He  was  laughed  at,  and 
spurred,  and  beaten  back.  Tliercforr^  let  no  stockbroker  CABi>sy,  in 
the  days  of  his  youth  a  soldier,  trust  himwlf  to  drink  "The  army  and 
navy."  There  is^  we  allow  it,  a  stimnlating  music  in  the  svUablea: 
and  the  civilian,  m  the  fervour  of  port,  ii  all  too  apt  to  foel  hb  neck 
cloth(i  with  a  cravat  of  thunder,  and  to  paw  the  mahogany,  and  to  cry 
"hee-haw." 


THE  PURSUIT  OF  JOURNALISM  UNDER  DIFFICULTIEa 

A  KINDLY  symnathy  prompts  ns  to  offer  a  hint  calculated  to  meet  ^ 
difficulty  under  wnich  Frencu  journalists  now  laboor,  m  being  ohlnrod 
either  to  write  tamely,  or  to  cjiposc  themselves  to  prosecution  thrcnigh 
the  law,  which  comoels  them  lo  affix  their  names  to  their  leading 
articles.  Here  is  a  Iragmcnt  of  a  model  spirited  leader  relative  to  ao 
imaginary  ministry ;  an  article  which,  as  tar  as  the  authoTBhip  ia  coa* 
cemed,  would,  we  are  bold  to  say,  defy  indictment  :— 

"The  consequences  of  Lord  MouNTBCsmSL'a  iooesaoon  lo  the 
Premiership  (Brown)  are  manifesting  themselves  with  a  vengcaDoe 
(Jokes).  The  funds— the  nation's  pulse— are  (Robinson)  falling  fear- 
fully  (ToMKiNs).  Discontent  is  (Johnson)  ripe  at  Manchester;  fifty 
mills  have  already  closed,  and  the  streets  are  thronged  with  (Snooxb) 
frantic  crowds, cTclaiming  (Styles)  Bread  or  (Ko«s)  Blood!  (UoFKixa). 
A  hundred  thousand  men  have  already  assembled  at  Birmingham,  pre- 
pared, if  need  be,  (Briggs)  to  march  on  London  (Uouus).  Now  is  the 
time,  or  never  (Stubbs).  Awake!  arise!  or  be  for  ever  falleal 
(MiLTON).  Raise  the  song  of  the  patriot  in  every  street  (Dobbs). 
Britons  never  shall  be  slaves ! "  (Walkeb). 

Thus  might  Liberty— Goddess  of  the  French  Preas— ^ance  a  migoty 
pretty  hornpipe  in  fetters. 


M 


A'SKETCH  OF  CHARACTER  BY  PROFESSOR  MILKAN80P, 
THE  CELEBRATED  GRAPHIOLOQISr. 

OctUletnan  (rcadji). — "  *  lifTBLLiOKifT ;  STRONO  Rklioiocb  Fkblimk  ;  FoivD 

OF     LITTLB     (^HILDaK.'*  ;     LoVKS     MuSIC,    PorTBT,  AXD    THE    FltTR    A»TS  ; 

IS  Rkluctawt  to  tabs  Offemcb,  Gursaous  and  Fob«ivi(io.' — Waix, 
I  *M  Blowrd,  if  tuxt  ain't  Wonderful  ;  whv,  it  'i  «t  KARacrum 
TO  A  T  I " 


Sport  Ingf  Intelli^Dce. 

Mr.  GoRiKiK  Gumming  is  actively  engaged  fitting  out  a  large  boatk 
with  which,  having  exhausted  all  the  dangers  of  the  Continent,  he  ia 
about  to  brave  the  perils  of  the  deep.  The  object  of  his  nautical  expe- 
dition is,  as  mraour  is  too  busy  in  circolaliu?,  to  capture  the  American 
Sea  Serpent.  He  has  been  heard  to  ubserve.that  he  will  either  catch 
it  or  perish  in  the  attempt.  His  great  wish  is  to  bring  the  skin  homo 
with  nim.  and  hang  it  in  festoons,  lilte  an  immense  garland,  ronnd  the 
walls  of  nis  South  African  Exhibition, 


tm 


i 


w 

I 


BOABDER  LIFE  IN  ENGLAND. 

Ouii  feelings  have  been  much  shocked,  und  our  Glwibcr  Salts  accord- 
inojlj  exhausted,  at  Ibo  perusal  of  an  adverti»enient  commencing  as 

BOARD  (Print«  uid  Superior). — Tenni,  for  liogle  gentlemen.  Foreign  or 
EngUah,  of  gooA  pint  tioti,  from  3&*.  h>  90».  per  week.     A  HMried  P wtj,  4&t. 

When  we  had  ^t  thus  far.  we  could  proceed  no  further,  so  shocked 
were  we  at  the  idea  of  a  married  parly**  beinsr  advertised  for  as 
inmates  of  a  British  Boardin? -house.  A  "party''  most,  of  course, 
incladc  more  than  two,  or  a  married  couple"  would  have  been  the 
term  used;  but  a  "married  party"  CTidently  points  to  the  Eastern 
practice  of  a  plurality  of  wives,  and  the  adVcrtiMmcnt  is  clearly 
addressed  to  some  traTclliug  Pacha,  or  other  matrimooial  pluralist,  whom 
the  facility  of  communication  with  all  parts  of  the  world  may  hare 
brought  to  England. 

We  trust  tins  humiliating  proposal  does  not  reflect  a  true  picture  of 
the  Boarder  Life  of  Enghuiu,  which,  though  presentinj?  some  remark- 
able phases,  is,  we  hope,  free  from  that  polygamical  tingo  whicli  the 
adrenisenient  we  hare  quoted  would  seem  to  attach  to  it.  The 
announcement  adds.  "  The  present  party  small  and  select ;"  from  which 
we  may  infer  that  tnere  is  already  in  the  house  a  case  of  the  kind,  and 
that  the  "  married  party  "  is  not  very  large,  though  we  must  protest 
against  any  number  beyond  two,  as  opposed  to  all  our  views  of 
propriety. 

As  a  turlher  specimen  of  the  Boarder  Life  of  England,  we  may  cite 
other  adTertisements  in  the  same  paper,  some  of  which  are  quite 
Herodian  in  their  emphatic  intimation  tliat  "children  are  objected  to ;" 
while  in  sereral  there  is  a  rich  vein  of  pride,  indicated  by  hinta  that  the 
■drertisers  are  actuated  by  a  wish  for  society  rather  than  for  casli,  and 
one  "lady,  occupying  her  own  cottaec,  with  nearly  half  an  acre  of 
garden,"  "is  not  accustomed  to  boarders,"  but  has  no  objection^  for 
the  mafniiliceot  consideration  of  a  pound  a  week,  to  put  up  with  an 
inmate."  We  do  not  envr  the  Boarder,  whose  position,  of  course, 
must  be  that  of  a  kind  oi  thing  that  the  "lady  occupying  her  own 
cottage  "  haa  "  not  been  accustomed  to." 

Tb«re  i»  oocasiooally  a  rich  speoimen  of  the  Boarder  tribe  themaelTea 
in  the  adTertisementa,  and  we  met  with  one  the  other  day  who  wants 


in  the  Park,  who  take  Continental  tour»~tho  noble  owners  ol  Stafford 
House  and  other  mansiona— bat  we  rery  much  doubt  whether  it  would 
be  worth  the  while  of  any  of  the  noble  owners,  for  the  sake  of  £60 
a  year,  to  receive  the  "  gentleman  "as  "an  inmate,"  and  take  him  on 
the  tonn  he  expresses  himself  quite  ready  for. 

We  will  conclude  by  exprcssug  our  astonishment  at  the  exceedingly 
"select"  character  of  the  Boarder  Life  of  Engljuid,  for  almost  every 
one  of  the  advertisers  "mixea  with  the  best  society."  We  may. 
perhaps,  infer  from  this,  that,  as  a  late  member  of  the  aristocracy  used 
to  take  pills  by  the  hundred,  and  rub  in  ointment  by  the  pound,  to  give 
"a  grace  and  a  glorv  "  to  a  certain  Professor's  advertisements,  so  tnere 
may  be  lords  and  ladies  who  "go  out"  to  attend  Boarding  House 
dinners,  and  enable  the  establishments  to  boast  of  the  "best  society," 


0am  of  Oonaoieaoe  for  Teetotaller!. 

Tm  Yorkikiriman  tells  a  story  about  a  sow  fattened  bv  a  fanner  at 
Thirsk,  on  rum  and  milk,  in  the  pronortiona  of  three  half-pints  of  the 
former  to  a  quantity — not  stated — of  the  Utter  daily.  Vpon  this  diet 
the  sow  became  an  habitual  drunkard — drunk  to  an  extent  exceeding 
the  nennal  drukeimess  of  a  sow — as  drtink  as  a  sot.  She  increased  in 
weight  at  the  rate  of  5  stone  2  pounds  in  a  few  days,  and  when  killed 
weinied  43  stone  10  pounds,  without  the  head,  into  which  probably  a 
good  deal  of  the  run  bad  got  besides.  Now,  as  the  animal's  nesh  must 
have  been  Batnrated  with  alcohol,  it  beoomes  a  qustkn  whether  anv 
person  pledged  to  total  ahstinenoe  could  consoieDlioulr  partake  of  sucn 
rum  pork — except,  of  coarse,  medicinally. 

THE  OLOBI0D8  TtXTH.  '*^ 

Ox  the '  10th  instant  the  tradesmen  of  the  Dttkx  of  CAVBRtnos 
dmed  together  to  celebrate  the  paymeut  of  the  first  quarter's  salary, 
namely  £3000,  paid  that  day  to  his  Royal  Highness.  The  festival  was 
held  ai  the  George  and  Bore. 

Sagacity  of  Amacican  Oata. 

A.  Nbw  York  paper  says — 

"  WMta  tbe  cboten  raf^  tt  Hftrper'a  Fury  »U  Ibe  cftU  tall  Uie  pUot.  Tbey  went 
Id  divTei  t>7  aJcbt." 

The  fact  is,  all  theae  animals  were  of  a  FennaylTanian  stock ;  and 
they  adopted  the  cholera  as  a  suhtesfuge  merely,  to  repudiate  their  bills 
foe  oaf  a-meat. 


MURRAY  OR  MAC  HALE. 

Ax  Irish  Correspondent  wishes 
to  know  (wLat  a  strange 
wish  to  know!)  whether 
Taiher  Pmiuk  inclines  to 
the  Mdulat  or  tbe  Mac- 
Hale  aide  in  the  present 
episcopal  row  peuuing  in 
Ireland ;  and  whether  we 
are  for  mixed  education  or 
no  education. 

You  silly  Paodt,  how  can 
you  ask  such  a  question  P 
Don't  you  know  that  we 
are  English  Protestants, 
hating  you  by  nature,  ana 
that  our  wibh  is  to  tyran- 
nise over  you  and  keep  you  under  ?  If  your  young  men  come  to 
college  with  our  young  men,  don't  vou  sec,  you  idiot,  that  in  the 
course  of  a  few  score  years,  your  lads,  being  bom  to  the  full  as  clever 
as  ours  aud  six  times  as  numerous,  may  win  the  prizes  and  scholarships, 
get  the  government-places  and  snug-berths,  nt  themselves  for  tlie 
learned  proressions.  and  so  forth,  and  turn  ns  out  of  what  at  present  we 
hold  ?  Of  course  we  vote  for  John  of  Tuam  and  Paul  Cullen,  not  for 
poor  D.  MuaaAT. 

Dr.  Murray  is  a  well-meaning  man,  but  he's  a  class  legislator, 
Paddt,  and  that 's  what  we  bate — especially  when  he  doesn't  legislate 
for  fwr  class— whereas  Jomror  Tuam  and  Paul  of  AnuAOH,  those  are 
the  right  sort  of  fellows:  they  want  you  to  remain  ignorant;  be  cursed  if 
yon  aoall  go  and  learn  grammar  and  language,  or  raatbematica  and 
astronomy,  with  Protestants  and  heathens.  Believe,  with  Paul  Cullev, 
that  tbe  sun  is  six  feet  in  circumference,  accommodate  your  mathematios 
to  his  Grace's  (God  bless  tiis  most  Reverend  Lordship),  and  see  how 
you  '11  get  on  ns  an  Engineer,  my  boy. 

Why  are  you,  forsooth,  to  learn  lustory  and  mathematics,  law,  or 
chemistry,  from  the  best  professors  lev  can  get?  These  things  are  not 
to  be  taught  to  you  by  people  selected  for  their  capability,  but  by 
peojtle  of  TOOT  own  religious  way  of  thinking:  gentlemen  properly 
iramed  at  Maynooth,  where  they  will  learn  three-fourths  theology  and 
one-fourth  science  doctored  orthodoxically :  if  we  want  a  pood  surgeon 
or  a  good  Lawyer,  we  won't  ask  what  his  religious  opinions  are;  we 
want  the  best  of  advice  from  tbe  best  people,  wno  learn  their  business 
in  the  best  way,  teach  it  in  the  best  way,  are  paid  the  best  price,  and 
so  forth. 

Whereas  you.  yon  poor  ragged  Paddt.  Don't  look  at  the  stars 
through  that  villain.  Lord  Kosse's  glass,  ask  Pathxr  Tim  to  lend 
you  a  peep  through  his  dirty  old  telescope :  if  you  've  broken  your  leg. 
dou't  ask  the  Surgeon  General  to  set  it,  the  pestilent  Protestant;  get 
a  smart  :('oung  chap  from  Maynooth  who  has  learned  a  little  surgery 
along  with  liis  humanities;  see  that  you  have  an  orthodox  dancing 
master  for  your  daughters,  and,  if  they  leam  to  sing,  send  for  Don 
Basilio.    Of  course  we  are  for  John  Ti'am. 

In  that  way  wc  savage  Saxons  shall  luive  no  need  to  be  afraid  of  you. 
Which  has  the  best  chance  to  leam  a  thing,  tlunk  you,  he  who  baa  the 
best  master,  or  ho  who  haa  a  twentieth  rate  instructor  F  Give  as  tbe 
good  men.  You  take  the  others,  Paddy.  Give  us  the  railway  train  to 
travel  Inr — you  wait  to  bear  whether  the  Holy  Father  approves  of  the 
mode  of  travelling,  and  (if  you  are  not  cursed  off  the  line  and  sent  back 
to  the  wretched  old  jaunting  car)  never  get  into  a  carriage,  without  a 
priest  beside  von. 
O,  Paddy,  Paddy,  you  poor  old  humbugged  Paddy  ! 


An  Unnatural  Literary  Parent. 

We  have  looked  through  the  st^torea  of  all  the  articles  in  the 
French  papers — since  the  author's  sisnature  has  been  made  a  ti^g)ne  qud 
noH — and  nave  not  met  anywhere  with  the  name  of ' '  Louis  Napolbon." 
Has  he  left  off  writing?  Haa  he  dropped  the  gentlemanly  amusement 
of  Editing  P  What  has  become  of  tne  celebrated  pen  that  caused  so 
many  "t^uaiictu"  in  the  Chamber  bv  tbe  articles  unpeu  trop  f»t*" 
it  was  in  the  habit  of  writing  in  the  ^apoirom  and  the  Pottroir.^  Is  it 
worn  out,  pith  and  all?  We  hope  not.  for  wc  «ish  to  hear  that  homn 
Napoleon  is  wielding  it  again  with  all  the  strength  of  a  Thiem — or 
else  it  will  look  as  if  be  were  asliamed  of  his  literar>'  offspring— so  much 
so,  that  he  docs  not  dare  give  bis  name  to  them. 


A  NEW  &II£LL. 

A  Frekch  cheuust  has  invented  a  new  shell  that,  it  ia  said,  "in  afew 
minutes  will  send  to  the  bottom  a  ship  of  120  gons.*'  Will  tne  shell  be 
exhibited  in  1851  ?  We  hope  so.  It  is  from  such  a  shell  that  time 
may  hope  to  hatch  the  dove  of  peace— perpetual  peace. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


KB.  BRIGOS    HAS    ANOTHER    DATS    FISHING. 

He   IS  so  FORTUNiTE   AS  TO   CATCH   A   LaBOE   EeL. 

THE  GLASS  PALACE  AND  ITS  ARCHITECT. 

TnE  promised  glory  of  Mr.  Paxton's  glass  palace  has  ran  through  Ireland.  Indeed, 
since  Ihc  title  of  ihc  glass  slipper,  no  glass  seems  so  likcl f  to  become  immortal  iu  story. 
The  Irish  intend  to  contribute  a  model  landlord — a  model  tenant— a  model  farm— and  a 
model  Bishop  (not  from  Thurlcs).  Indeed,  there  vlU  be  an  entire  model  Ireland,  on  a  small 
scale,  beneath  the  liospitable  roof  of  crystal.  Paddy  gave  a  mighty  greeting  a  day  or  two 
since  to— shall  we  say— the  glass  architect  P    Hear  the  Cork  Reporter  .— 

**  %%.  Faxtor  b*lDg  reeognUfO  Init  u  Ufl  cAfrlice  wu  ROloK  to  fUrt  frcnD  tlic  botd  ^ota,  b*  vm  cbMml 
to  tba  echo  by  a  grut  crowd  who  tiad  oulWted  Lberv,  u  Rtsa  were  bu  fair  lUugbtert  uid  bU  ion.  &  fin«  youtb  whu 
oectqpt«d  ft  M*t  wUb  hlft  father  In  tbo  ftfnt  of  tbn  carrlugn," 

Many  extraordinary  trees  have  been  grown,  and  arc  flourishing  in  the  Chat«worth  Conser- 
vatory; but  the  tree  of  trees  to  be  uhuted  is  the  gigaulic  olive  that  is  expected  to  take 
root  in  the  Paxtow  Palace  of  Hyde  Park;  an  olive  strcnjrihcnt'd,  sheltered,  and  protected 
bv  the  glass  whUs  and  roof  that  admit  the  commercial  trophies  of  all  the  world — a  veritable 
Peace  Congreae  maoufactured  by  the  many-coloured  bauds  of  the  whole  human  family. 
We  do  not  ace  why  tbexe  should  not  be  an  Order  of  the  Olive.  Will  Pbikc£  Ai3Eiit 
Jiiuk  of  it  ? 


"A  SEA  OF  HEADS." 

Was  it  the  Black  Sea— the  White  Sfli-<ir, 
the  Kcd  Sea?  No  matter,  the  sea  ma  the  heads 
of  6.000  penmns— M)  no  doubt  a  sea  of  &U  the 

thrf  e  colours — that  made  the  ocean  of  brains 
tliat  Jk-snh  LiND  first  sang  to  in  New  Yort. 
On  that  occasion  Barm  v  otT.Trd  s  imndsonie 

>of  tUo 
•'en*i  to 

■AM 

"■if. 

.  ibAl   to 


.T!i?!ia 


sum  to  the  governors 

City  for  tbe  most  incur." 

report  the  proceediugs.     1.. 

relieved  of  his  stnot-wfusiC' 

ther  stimulated  with  eobblci 

pared  for  the  task.     Be  it 

make  the  madness  perfect—  i    . 

be  allowed — the  maiiiuc  dipi>e(i  Iuh  in>n  pen  in 

bis  flesh,  and  wrote  as  fuQows  in  his^  own  red 

ink : — 

"  A  vtMi  ftM  of  beadi  cwayvd  to  and  tro, 
bmratb  iha  utarrj-  llft'iu  In  the  firniamml  ^'^  -^"- 
there  thleUy  apriokli^d  with  tbc  fnun  oT  T  "ty 

«z|)#«tlrt{(  the  Arnwoor  F-  of  mustc  lo  ri"  ■  -\ 

while  Uiii  Trltoo*,  ultb  tholr  bumi  and  M'::' _:..  ^.^  Id 

awkward  groups  bans  around  tha  aeooM,  iunnwidlataJy  lo  faa 
graced  l>j  bcr  advent?' 

The  heads,  sparkling  bencAth  stan7  Ughta  of 
souic,  were  sprinkled  with  the  foam  of  beauty! 
Amidst  tliia  foam  of  their  heads,  Jxnnt  Likd 
was  to  rise,  like  Minerva^ from  tlie  brain  of  the 
Thunderer!  As  for  the  Triton*,  we  give  tbem 
up.  horus  and  .nhclls,  and  all ! 

However,  idiots  are  respected  in  the  £aai; 
and,  just  now,  mndnrss  has  its  rxocediug  greu 
reward  in  New  York  ;  for  the  hoptleas  maniac 
who  penned  the  above,  has  Wen  emwned  with 
a  diadem  of  straw  in  the  Broadwa|-,  Should 
3 turn  LiKD  refuse  the  Presidentship,  it  is  be- 
lieved that  in  the  present  temper  of  the  Union, 
the  dignity  will  be  offered  to  the  lunntic  afore- 
Raid. 


THE  HAT  REFORM. 

E^'XKY  one  agrees  that  there  ought  to  be 
reform  in  llats,  but,  after  |)»tting  on  our  con- 
juring cap,  as  well  as  our  considerin?  ■"■  ""l-.ut 
deriving  any  assistance  fiom  ellln  ^q 

are  still  at  a  loss  for  tlir-  m'-iu'^  lie 

groat  result  is  to  be  an  C^iu  kuciety 

go  back  to  its  original  ''.■  .  and  begin  as 

it  were,  da  capo,  by  abauuomtig  ibe  day  cap,  as 
it  ttjis  already,  in  many  cases,  tlung  away  tbe 
night  cap  ?  in  the  East,  we  know  the  Eea  was 
forced  on  to  the  polls  of  tbe  people  by  ati  arbi- 
trap)  iwwer,  which  would  not  nave  scrupled  to 
take  the  head  intx>  its  own  bonds,  if  the  Uead-dnas 
had  Ix'en  objected  to  by  tlie  owners  ,  but  in  this 
country  ?uch  a  course  could  not  be  aaopted  even 
tliijuu:h  martial  law  should  be  procbiimcti,  and 
a  General  Hats-off  phwed  at  Ihe  head  of  tbe 
natiou. 

A  proclamation  could  nerer  occompliah  a  batij 
refonn ;  but  we  are  not  prermrcd  to  say  soinr- 
thing  might  not  be  done  by  slu-ieva!  intencrenoej 
wbicn  would  be  consistent  with  tho'<-  r,.,.r,.v;pai 
Institutions  that  all  EngUshmen  '  ?, 

yes;  something  towards  a  reform  i,  -^t 

perhaps  be  safely  attempted  by  a  haiti-sohtriff ! 


4 

4 


Ouriosities   of  Gowemment  XSeonovay. 

HiCK£S,  it  is  said,  have  wines.  The  treasures^ 
however,  of  natural  niatory  and  aoti^uity,  wbero- 
wil  h  the  British  Museum  is  crammed  to  repletMO, 
have  not  wings  enough ;  and,  to  be  crt^it«blf 
disposed  of,  require  one  or  two  more,  which  migot 
be  added  to  the  over-gorged  edifice  bv  Oorem- 
meiit,  if  it  did  not  prefer  emplo^-iny  the  publio 
money  in  spoiling  Parks  and  aggrandising  Dukci. 


Aj?  Opem  OoMTioif.— Bamtttk,  the  Ameruia 
sbowman,  calls  Jen'Stt  I.ind  "an  angel.**  Jt 
Baknitm  a  judge  ? 


4 

I 
4 


PUNCH,  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


15'J 


N 


BABIES  AT  THE  PLAY. 

U£  tbeairicoi  season  is  nov 
bcginniog,  and  wc  protest 
thos  earlj  against  the  ad- 
mission ot  the  British  bab^ 
to  the  performance  of  the 
Britiflh  onuna.  Thoagh  not 
disposed  to  set  ^  our  face 
ftfnunst  a  child  in  arms — 
vbich  for  vorionj  reasons  is 
not  an  a^ecable  process — 
we  feel  it  our  duly  to  op- 
pose the  introduction  of 
labics  to  the  playhouse. 
Even  at  Astlcj''s,  the  ju- 
veuile  theatre  par  exceU 
ience,  it  is  unpleasant  enoagh 
to  find  the  discharge  of  artd- 
lery  on  the  stage  answered 
by  a  roar  of  infant n' from  (be 
boxea.  pit,  and  gallery ;  but 
when  Uslcninff  to  a  play  at  one  of  the  other  houses,  it  is  absolutely 
unbearable  to  nave  our  attention  disturbed  by  the  shrieks  of  innocent 
helplessness  echoed  by  angry  reconmicndations  to  "ta.ke  that  child 
ouL"  or  by  more  considerate,  though  equally  noisy  eugi^lioiis  to  the 
mother,  to  exercise  one  of  the  sweetest  offices  of  maternity. 

People  arc  obliged  to  leave  their  bonnets  at  the  door  when  tliev  enter 
the  boxes,  and  why  should  not  the  same  system  l>e  adopte<l  witn  refe- 
rence to  babies.  There  should  be  a  sort  of  uurserv  attached  to  each 
entrance^  where  babies  could  be  ticketed  and  left,  eitaer  to  be  hung  up 
in  bftbr-jmnpers,  which  would  then  be  really  of  use,  or  attached  to  the 
umbrellas  ol  those  who  hod  any  to  leave,  until  the  end  of  the  per- 
formance. 


W 


1 


ANOTHER  CANDIDATE  FOR  A  STATUE. 

If  a  statue  is  erected  to  the  *'  Good  Duke  "  or  Cakbeidgb,  the 
same  subscribers  cannot  do  less,  upon  the  death  of  another  equally 
charitable  individual^  than  erect  a  statue  to  him.  This  gentleman,  it  m 
true^  haa  not  the  kigh  advantage  of  being  bom  a  Royal  Duke ;  but 
putting  this  advantage  aside,  his  claims  for  a  statue  are,  in  ever^'  respect, 
as  strong  as  those  ofthe  "  Good  Duke."  He  presides  at  pubhc  dinner* 
at  often  as  he  is  invited — his  name  is  never  aenied  to  a  public  charity, 
and,  what  is  more,  he  not  only  ^ves  his  name  but  his  subscription  also. 
The  sums  he  has  bestowed  during  a  lonp  life  of  voluntary  subscriptions  on 
publicctuuities  must  amount  to  manytbousoods.  Tbenameof  this  gentle- 
man— and  we  mention  it  vr\\\\  jiropcr  respect— is  Mr.  Benjahin  Bond 
Cabdell.  We  maintain  that  it  the  Cambridge  st-atue  is  creeled,  every 
subscriber,  and  every  charitable  fund,  and  every  charitable  secretary  to 
it,  who  sends  his  fumea  witli  the  understanding  that  his  name  is  to  be 
engraved  on  the  Duke's  pedestal,  caimot  do  less  than  subscribe  an 
eaual  sum  to  a  compauiou  statue  to  Mh,  Benjajoh  Bond  Cabbell. 
Ii  they  do  not,  ill-natured  people  will  immediately  say  that  the  diScr- 
enoe  vaa  caused  by  his  not  being  connected  witn  Rovalty.  What  is 
a  virtue  in  a  Royru  Duke  is  but  a  common  platitude  in  u  private 
gentleman! 

A  Host  Xoving  Tale. 

We  see  "a  book  advertised  under  the  singular  title  of  the  "  Kka^i 
TaU."  This  must  be  the  adventures  of  the  celebrated  tin  Can,  which 
we  all  have  heard  of  aa  having  been  so  rcpeiitedl/  tied  to  the  unfortunate 
dog's  Tail.  If  to.  its  revelations  must  be  a  stnng  of  the  most  exciting 
up9-and-downs,  which  cannot  fail  to  make  a  great  noise  in  all  circles. 
Wc  think  wc  mav  borrow  for  once  the  eloquent  wtwds  of  the  Et^ing 
^aptr\  and  say,  We  know  of  no  book  so  likely  to  have  a  long  run  as 
the  AmU  TaUr  ' 

POITEVIn's  last  fOLLT. 

It  was  announced  the  other  day  that  M.  Poiteviv,  the  insensate 
aeronaut,  was  going  to  make  a  balloon-ascent  mounted  on  a  live  ostrich. 
The  notion  of  the  wren  sooiing  on  the  back  of  the  eagle  is  snipaassed 
\ef  that  of  the  goose  ascending  on  that  of  the  ostrich. 


Olasing  for  the  Queen'a  Colleges. 

Thoob  of  the  Irish  Roman  CathoUc  Bishops  who  oppose  the  QuiEW's 
Gdloees,  leem  to  object  to  the  simple  hght  of  Viiowledge.  They 
TTonla  hare  all  instruction  coloured  with  their  theological  views.  These 
over-zealous  Prelates  would  allow  nobody  a  study  unless  it  had  storied 
windows.  Their  lordships  don't  consider  that  though  "a  dim  religious 
light "  may  be  the  illomination  most  suitable  for  worship,  plain  suniuiine 
is  the  fittest  for  work. 


A  COMING  EVENT. 

Thz  blackamoor,  under  the  scrubbing  of  the  Fott  and  Standurd^  is 
fast  becoming  an  aloino.  Mr.  Geoboe  Hudcoh  ia  about  to  return  to 
the  politest  and  the  highest  life. 

"  TlM  tOtlODS  of  the  jQRt 
SqmU  tTMt,  tad  blouocD  In  tfaa  diut.** 

Espedally  if  it  be  gold  dust.  There  is  in  that  auriferous  soil,  a  trans- 
muting powrj  that,  ^ter  a  time,  turns  hempseed  into  hiurels.  Let  the 
world  prcwLre  to  read  something  like  the  subjoined  announcoiuent  in  the 
Monitiff  Post  .— 

"  Maoni7ioei«t  Pakty  at  Albert  GaTB.^Last  night,  Geoboe 
IltrDSON,  Esq.,  M.P.,  on  his  return  from  Covcntryj  entertained  a  vast 
asscmbli^  of  6o»  ton.  Covers  (all  gold)  were  laid  for  100.  A  ball 
followed  in  the  evening,  which  the  magnificent  and  hospitable  host 
opened,  dancing  the  first  quadrille  with  the  hereditary  Ducuess  or 
DmoNTBCSTEL.  Nothing  could  exceed  the  splendour  of  the  entertain- 
ment, except  the  suavity  anil  high  hrceding  of  the  founder  of  the 
feast ;  who,  on  his  return  from  Coventry,  Tvaa  welcomed  with  a  fervour 
and,  indeed  wc  may  say,  affection,  commensurate  with  his  expected 
dinners,  if  not  ivith  his  deserts. 

"ITie  exterior  of  the  mansion  has  been  newly  stuccoed  with  a  pure 
and  brilliant  white,  in  which  colour  the  just  and  thoughtful  may  recog- 
nise a  touching  fitness.  The  stags'  horns  and  hooves  have  been  gut 
inch  thick ;  and  Stoeb  and  Mobtiileb  have  orders  to  furnish  the 
animids  forthwith,  with  emerald  eves. 

"  It  has  been  stated  that  Mji.  Hudson  had  purchased  of  the  Govern- 
ment the  marbld  arch  to  replace  the  small  atone  erection  at  Albert 
Gate,  It  is  true  tlmt  overtures  have  been  mode,  and  the  subject 
entertained;  but  the  statement  of  absolute  purchase  is  a  bttle 
prematuie." 


RIFF.RAFF  ON  RAILWAYS. 


The  following  startling  paragraph  which  ought  to  have  been  printed 
on  the  most  delicate  pink  note-paper  with  scented  ink,  haa  recently 
appeared  in  the  London  journals : 

We  nDdvntond  lh«n  lii  ■  graat  outarf  «t  BriglltO* 


BKianntir  Railwat.  _  _  _  _ 

tliv  BHetitoo  rmilwajr  fur  tb*  "  ntt"  It  U  pourinf  iDto  Bricbt(«  br  it»  "  trmTtlUa(  ^ 
tli«  mUUuD."  KeipecUbl«  lohabttanis  u«  fkst  iMVloc  tlutr  hooM*  In  eomsqiMDM,  ud 
It  tMOOtOW  a  qtMltlQQ  wbMlMr,  U  It  go  oo,  It  vUl  not  prtMOtly  much  direct  tlie  maMoa 
ticket!,  ud  IM  firat  and  Meood  cUm  riden.  Should  it  Aa  u,  the  BrlgbtoD  policy  vlU 
i»  to  brloff  In  puioe  for  th«  praaeat  to  toM  ponndi  henaftsr. 

The  sensitiveness  of  the  Brightonians  is  of  a  very  peculiar  kind:  for 
while  it  winked  at,  or  ratlier  gloried  in,  the  doings  at  the  Pavilion. 
which  cAused  the  importation  into  the  town  of  less  than  doubtful 
respectabiUty  and  decency,  the  inhabitant£  are  beginning  to  turn  up 
their  noses  at  the  ix>or,  harmless  railway  excursionisls.  who  are  enabled 
to  ei^oy  a  sea-breeze  on  Sundays  for  three -and-sixpenoe.  The 
Brightonians,  perba^  think  that  the  sea  was  made  cxclusivclv  for 
them,  and  regarding  it  as  a  portion  of  their  capital,  they  will,  perhaps, 
denv  the  "na"  the  privilege  of  even  dipping  mto  it. 

The  "respectable^*  inhabitants  are,  it  seems,  "fast  leaving  their 
houses,"  because  once  a  week  Brown^  Jones,  or  Robinsok.  may  be 
met  walking  on  the  beach  with  their  wives  iind  famihes.  We  should 
like  to  ace  a  geography  published  under  the  supcrintcndenoe  of  the 
Brightonians.  for  the  guidance  of  cheap  excursionists,  telling  them 
where  to  go  m  consequence  of  the  seacoaat  bciug  prohibited.  Bath  and 
Cheltenhii  must,  of  oourae,  be  excluded  from  the  Atlas  for  the  use  of 
the  "Raff,"  and  indeed  we  sec  nothing  but  the  Ule  of  Dogs,  as  a 
watering  place,  in  which  they  would  be  tolerated  ;  for  when  Bnghton 
begins  to  be  squeamish  about  "  respectabiUty,"  Margate  and  Ramsgate 
may  fairly  lay  claim  to  excluaiveness. 


Ko  Benefit  of  the  Act. 

Evert  now  and  then  we  hear  of  laws  being  continued  just  as  they 
were  about  to  expire.  We  know  there  is  a  very  wholesome  objection 
to  the  taking  away  of  life  under  any  circumstances,  but  there  really  are 
some  acts  of  Parliament  which  we  think  might  be  allowed  to  die  a 
natural  death  without  a  prolongation  of  their  iniaery.  The  renewal  of 
their  term  of  existence  is  often  but  a  Zamicl-like  sort  of  proceeding  at 
best,  and  the  acts  thus  allowed  to  continue  their  course  are  frequently 
found  to  KO  at  last  to  whcore  they  might  just  as  well  have  been  Buifered 
to  go  at  tirst  for  any  good  that  has  lieen  got  out  of  them. 


TOB  8P00VS  or  WAS. 

A  WTUTBB  in  an  Altona  ff  per  calls  upon  the  women  to  subscribe 
towards  the  war  between  Holstem  and  Denmark,  He  asks  for  the 
precious  metaU  in  any  shape.  "  Give  up,"  he  says,  one  table  or  tea^ 
spoon."  But  the  ladica  do  not  subscribe ;  they  evidently  Ihmk  that 
war  has  already  bad  more  than  spoons  enough. 


PUNCa  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


I 
I 


JTommaitt— ** I  teix   tou    vbat  it   is,  Pabrrii,  I  shall  bk  tkat  olad 

WHXXi  MlhStJB  HAA  OOt  TIKKO  OF  THIS  Pl'SBT-VSM.  1t  HAT  BX  TUX  FaAHIO!*  ; 
BUT,  WHAT  VITU  HKB  COHirt'  UOMK  LATX  FILOM  pAETieS,  AMD  OBTTIfCO  VT 
von.  URLT  SitllTICB,  AKD  TBU!  OOIP'  TO  flw>  AOAI.**,  WE  rOOJl  SaUV1!«T« 
HAS   IKIDULR    WO&K   i'MOBT.*' 


IMPROVE  YOUR  WAYS  IN  CHANCERY. 

We  rttd  that  the  Chuioery  suit  of  ArroaxzT-GEKKiuL  v.  Tix- 
ySLT^v,  has  already  luted  166  lears.  A  gTeat  outcry  baa  been 
m5e<l  about  improving  Chancery  Lane.  It  is  all  rer}'  ^^*  but 
it  strikes  us  as  beginning  at  tlie  wtoo^  end.  la  there  not  amwirr 
Iadc,  as  Ion;,  more  tortuous  in  its  windings,  much  norrowvr  in 
all  its  ways,  and  which  causes  much  grealer  obfetniciion.  Iku 
Chancery  Lftne  ?  In  fact  it  is  a  long  Lane  that  hii&  no  tununp,  ex- 
cepting to  the  workhouse.  The  reader  will  alrewly  have  giieased 
that  we  ftlhtde  to  the  Court  of  ChflDcery.  Doea  that  require  no 
improvement?  We  should  like  to  sec  a  little  agitation  raised 
to  pull  down  a  few  of  the  obstructions  that  cause  the  cruel  delifi 
which  t^e  pUoe  every  year  in  it. 

Imagine  being  detained  waiting  166  years!  What  are  a  few 
minutes  lost  in  an  ninmbus,  or  a  quarter-of-an-bour  wasted  inside 
a  comfortable  carriage,  compared  to  a  monster  dela/  like  thatl 
Chancer^'  Ijanc  is  doubtlessly  a  f^^t  nuisance ;  but  it  i*  swallowed 
up,  like  k  cork  in  the  MaeUirom,  in  the  whirlpool  of  the  Court  of 
chancery.  Improve  your  Laue  by  all  means,  but  do  not  for^  the 
poor  people  who  arc  wondering  up  and  down  that  nanrow  Court, 
and  have  no  means  of  getting  out  of  it.  In  short,  since  public 
attentinn  has  been  directed  to  the  matter,  our  cry  is,  "Improve 
all  your  Lanes  iu  Chancer7." 


N 


FLOWERS  OF  FASHIONABLE  SPEECH. 

Ig  FofM,  as  quoted  hy  the  Morning  P(»/  informs  the  faduo&lUe 
world,  tonebing  the  fashions  for  October,  that 

"  The  morning  dreuM  at  whita  nr  pAle  btiie  achemtn,  art  lined  with  taftrta^ 
which  tnnH  oreruid  fnraa  nrreri,  vhaw\n%  tha-qvllUaf  In  vnathi  of  hmmm.  pfnks 
ani  folUgA.  Bo&U  sHppeni  of  qaUled  udBttaa,  tb*  ana  sbttde  m  tbs  drM^ 
trimmed  with  %  plkltUg  of  ribbon  or  narrrr*  Iua,  kt*  wovn  with  MM  toUaO^ 
uid  form  A  ooapUite  dtxf-^anurt  of  ooquetrr  >nd  fOod  Uete." 

Tlie  context,  carefully  studied,  wiJ  show  that  "rever«"  is  a 
bit  of  untranslated  French,  and  not  of  fashiouable  orthography, 
meant  for  "rivers,"  as  rai^bt  be  surmised  by  the  masculine 
reader,  labouring  under  indiBtinrt  ideas  about  tjiffctaa.  and  con- 
founding that  material  somehow  with  watered  silk.  We  slioold 
like  to  see  the  slippers  that  form  a  "  complete  cKef-dPenttn  of 
coquetry  and  good  taste" — a  combination  which,  ii  realised  to 
our  undrrstandmsr,  would  mAteriaJly  aid  us  towards  the  conception 
of  tt  fried  snowball. 


AMERIC^IN  ELECTRICITY. 

\t  would  rather  astonish  the  world  if  the  Presidency  of  the  British 
Association  for  the  Advancement  of  Science  should  be  filled,  at  the 
next  Meeting  of  that  Congress  of  Philosophy,  by  Mr.  Fvnth.  All, 
however,  that  Mr.  PuncA  can  say  is.  that  iKerc  is  a  corresponding 
Society,  of  which  he  considers  hunself  to  be  the  fittest  person  living 
for  the  Chairman.  The  learned  body  here  alluded  to  is  the  American 
counterpart  to  our  own,  which  blends  amusement  with  iustruction, 
obscrvaut  of  the  Horatian  adage  respecting  seasonable  tomfoolery. 
The  American  Association  for  the  Advancement  of  Science  trims  the 
Professor's  cap  with  bells,  and  its  President  occasionally  sits  with  his 
tongue  in  his  cneek,  listening  to  a  lecturer  whose  thumb  is  at  the  tip  of 
his  nose.  This  is  a  statement  requiring  corroboration;  which  suall 
follow,  on  authoritv  no  less  trustworthy  than  that  of  our  grave  con- 
temporary, the  AlheHovm,  given  under  the  regular  head  of  ^*  Scientific 
Gossip." 

"Tha  Atuertun  AseocUtion  fur  the  AdvaDouDcntof  BoleDOi  bu  bfleo  boldInK  Iti 
third  AjuhmI  Me«Uiij{,  «t  Nevbarau,  Duditr  the  PmUdancy  of  Pimr.  A.  0.  R^rus. 
*  *  *  A  communlcaUon  wu  made  by  fsoF.  L<ioins  of  novel,  emt  it  us  curious  , 
phenrnnenB  of  ereclrictl  bouM*.  Htl  t(Ktflni«nt  wu  ^  followi :— •  Within  ■  few  TMrc 
p*9r,  uvf'ral  Umim*  Id  the  dtj  of  Now  York  bATe  exhibited  cleetHcAl  uhL-tiuiucn>  In  a 
rory  nniArkAble  def{Tea.  Tor  rnotithi  In  nieoe««lon  they  bsTe  nnltted  nparks  of  enn- 
■idanble  Intenalty,  ftaeaaipsated  hjr  t  IwuS  nsp.  A  ettmnjc^er,  on  entertn^E  one  of  tbefle 
eleetrloAl  booaee,  In  KitBtnptlng  to  ibake  haodi  with  the  tnnktei,  reoelret  •  ibock, 
which  U  qolte  aotkuble  and  eomeirbAt  oaplMtuit.'  " 

The  unscientific  reader,  who  may  not  see  the  fun  of  all  this,  is  to 
know  that  to  be  chargeable  with  elcctriritT  a  house  would  require  to  be 
built  on  glass  or  resin.  That  the  shock  would  he  received  immediately  on 
touching  ihe  knocker,  and  that  as  it^  forre  would  be  equivalent  tn  that 
of  a  small  fiash  of  lij^htuing,  the  recipient  would  bo  electrified  ouoe  for 
all.    The  next  joke  is  more  passable. 

**  liftdlM,  In  Atlempilng  to  kiM  each  other,  »n)  lalatrd  by  A  apark." 

V^  likely,  if  ladies  mil  do  such  things  in  the  presence  of  gentlemen. 
But  to  proceed  with  this  tiasue  of  shocking  stories  ; 

"  k  ipark  U  iMre«tT«l  whtncfw  llw  hand  la  bmairht  near  to  the  knob  ofa  door,  tha 
tOded  tmne  of  a  mtrror,  the  gB»p]pea,  or  any  awtAUic  body,  aapacdally  whea  thla  Dodr 
ODBtMnlHlH  ttmAf  with  tha  ttRh." 

WbttL  F&avKLDi  got  a  apwk  from  the  string  of  his  kite,  he  inter- 


cepted its  communication  with  the  earth  by  a  non-conducting  medi«% 
and  precisely  owing  to  such  cummunication  have  lightning  condbtotan 
hitherto  conveyed  cloctricitv  harmlessly  away. 

Jeiking  of  course  his  thumb  over  his  left  shoulder,  the  Profc 
continued,  addressing  his  no  doubt  winking  audience: — 


"  In  tba  ho«ae  whbch  I  hara  had  tho  opportnnlty  to  Axamlne.  a  child  in  lakltif  bold' 
of  the  knob  of  a  door,  reeelved  ao  leveni  a  fh>^ok  that  It  rau  off  In  (rrcat  mfht.  TW 
lady  of  Ibe  houaa^  in  approaeblu  tha  apeaklDg  tutje  u*  glvi*  orders  14  tbt  «ar«aiiti, 
raeelved  a  very  aopleaaant  ahock  in  the  mouth,  xnA  wu  much  annoyed  by  tha  electri- 
d  J,  antU  nbe  learned  flnt  to  touch  Ww  tutw  with  her  finnr.  In  pa»dag  fri>fD  mt 
parlour  to  the  other,  If  aba  ohawt  to  step  upon  \tm  bruai  plate  wlileh  Mrraa  as  •  •&!• 
U  tbo  foIdlDg-doorv,  aha  ncelraa  ao  uDpteuaot  abock  In  the  root." 

Let  the  reader  who  has  an^v  doubt  about  the  possibility  of  the  last- 
mentioned  fact,  get  an  electrical  machine,  and  cndcovour  to  electrify 
any  given  brass  plate  let  into  any  given  floor— except  a  glasa  or 
resinous  one.  The  restdt  of  bis  experiment  will  be  precisely  eguivalent 
to  that  of  whistling  jigs  to  a  milestone,  or  of  remonstratmg  tritil 
Government  on  the  inequality  of  the  Income-tax. 

The  funnmess  of  Profbssor  Loomis's  facta  is  nearly  equalled  by  tJia 
drollery  of  his  theory  to  account  for  them ; — 

"  Aftirr  aear«rui  ozaratDatlon  orHTtrataaeaiief  thlt  kind,  I  ban  nine  to  tb*  OM* 
elusion  that  the  eteetrlctty  U  created  by  the  fiictkia  of  the  ahoei  of  the  Umataa  oitVM 
carpets  of  the  honee." 

Punek  need  hardly  observe  that  so  extraordinary  a  consequence  of 
walking  must  be  all  Walkjr.  In  order  to  the  generation  of  a  quantity 
of  electricity  sufficient  to  produce  the  alleged  effects,  Inr  the  nietfia 
speciried— "sitchacittin'  up  stairs  "as  mortal  "never  did  see"  woiiid 
tie  iudist>cusablc.  Feokesbob  Loovis  and  his  scientiflo  aaioQiatw 
might  test  the  practicability  of  the  thing  hv  an  hour's  exercise  ona' 
gifi^antic  treadmul,  carpeted  with  wool  or  velvet — which,  he  states,  are 
the  niaterials  of  the  carpets  of  liis  electrical  house.**.  And  if  be  can 
electrify  any  house  but  an  insulated  one,  Mr.  Punch  will  cat  Lini,  boots 
and  all,  or,  what  will  perhatis  be  more  pleasanc  to  the  Profeaaor,  his 
boots  without  himself,  and  will  invite- Paor£ssOB  Looms  to  Greeniriek 
to  dine  at  the  same  time  off  electrical  eels. 


Poaohbe's  Fuxi>.— The  Derbjf  Menmrf  states  that  the  MnmMtJ 
poachers  "have  ae^lftlly  established  a  protecHvc  fund,"  P- 
rised  to  dedare  that  Loan  B— h— m  has  not  been  clectcl 


m 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


161 


GHANGERY  AND  CHANCERY  LANE. 

iLA^CEBT  La>'b  has,  plainly  enough,  got  into 
Ihn  Court  of  Chanoery:  it  is  so  murowcd 
in  its  cirouuist«Doe» — so  rotTen  m  its  con- 
ditiou— ao  dangerous  lo  all  who  deal  with 
it — so  nnpiotJtable  to  all  aud  everything 
that  pass  through  it.  Chancery  Lone  must 
be  widened,  ii  the  deafening  co'  of  its 
tcn'f  '-  '^!''  its  (Inily  passcngrrs.  The 
C"  I  aoery  rauht  be  widened  too 

— •.'  -,  ttirowu  oi)en  to  the  light — 

cs-i  lianccry  Reform  Association, 

gut  her  for  the  canse  of   the 

cncriifMi,  uu'  tieniocked,  and  tlie  oppressed. 
"The  suitors  and  the  public"  (cries  the 
Association) 

"(For  »il  iinic<nicem4»d>  ar«  eam^stlf  toTlt^d  Lu 
■Mid  '.n  thrlr  iintncwaiul  KubacrlpUina  to  enablo  tho 
CoiK  r  ^traDKtli  effeetUKlly  u>  rtforiti  iho 

ni<''i  '  "T  ilii>  '  flritlnh  [tiquiKltlon.'  r&lled 

CtaKDMiT,  bjr  wliith  hnni!rrd»  of  ttrm  -  ^uxcd  U.  tljr  auUor*  in  U*flr  djsIb, 

ukd  jTMra  04  mWry  to  tlieio  moiI  Uioir  liiiullici  t>o  jtroventcd." 

At  this  moment  (our  authority  is  a  paragrBph  in  the  Morning 
CkrofiieU)  the  Chancery  Miil  of  t'  '—  ■!  •  'Iknkiul  p.  Trevelyan 
is  now  one  hundred  and  sixlv  '  ^V^'J'i  ''  '^  pl*''^  ^'*a* 

that  mysterious  individual,  the  ....x.i  ...i — i-ui,  is  invariably  a  suitor 
in  Chancery. 

One  hundred  and  sixty-four  years  old !  In  which  tunc  how  much 
miser)',  how  many  anxieties,  how  many  wearyinK,  hopeless  hours,  how 
many  hearl-nches,  to  the  Trevkltans?  Con  Justice,  with  her  ever 
tine  arithmeticT  count  them  ?    No:  she  won't  try,  and  for  very  shoinc. 

Again — hear  the  Council  of  tlic  Chancery  Reform  Association : — 

"  Tbfl  Council  alio  dMlni  to  eflbct  llio  llbenUlon  of  a  Urge  ouniber  of  their  fcUov- 
crcaturra,  many  of  wbotn  bara  t»en  In  TuioUi  priMUi  for  periods  of  frum  90  Id  40 

yean," 

The  homes  of  menr  Engbuid !  The  gaols,  the  Chancery  gaols  of  this 
Uw-cursed  land !  How  dreadful,  when  the  B«stilte  was  tumbled  to 
the  earth,  how  dreadful  the  revealed  pictures  of  wrong  and  captivity ! 
Old  men,  blinded  by  the  sudden  liglit — white-bearded  c  ptivcs, 
shrinking  and  tottering  from  the  air  of  heaven.  The  prisoners  of  the 
Chancery  Bastille  —  tiic  captives  "for  periods  varying  from  20  to  40 
yews" — are  to  the  full  as  gnastjy;  everv  whit  as  terrible  presences,  a 
crying  wrong  to  heaven,  against  tic  foUv  and  tjTanny  of  felbw-nifin. 
Truly  it  is  well  that  Chancery  Lape  should  l>c  widened— but  it  is  btltor 
that  we  should  so  widen  Chancery  Court,  that  if  a  coachaod-six  urc  to 
Ito  driven  through  it.  ut  least  the  vehicle  shall  have  Justice,  alias 
Squity,  as  tlie  inside  pvis&enger. 

As  to  the  narrow  condition  of  Chancery  Lane,  many,  and  touching, 
and  significant,  arc  the  daily  occuxtcncca  in  that  small  vein  of  the  Me- 
tit^lis ;  a  vein  that  certain  folks  would  have  changed  into  an  artery— 
we  presume  that  it  might  tiieu  lead  to  the  heart  oT  Jvstice;  a  heart 
that  at  present  has  no  connoxion  with  it. 

"  A  tenant  of  mine,"  writes  one  J.  L.,  "  told  mc 

"  That  a  abort  fUno  back,  •  wafcgon  met  s  AiDcral  In  tlxii  Barrow  ttrftit,  and  %  iDOftt 
iiiwiMiiiilj  obHnitttloQ  o(  Kome  duratiuo  occurred." 

Was  the  deceased,  obstnioted  on  the  road  to  the  grave,  a  late  suitor 
in  Chancery?  If  so,  the  hindmnce  was  in  the  finest  hamionv.  Be  it 
so  or  not,  it  is  surely  cnoufth  that.  Chancery  luu  relentless  hold  of  the 
living ;  it  should  sheathe  its  talons  at  t  he  dead.  Or  must  Chancery, 
unlike  the  lion,  pro/  on  carcases  P 

Chancery-Lane  is  like  a  bottle,  the  neck  end  towards  Holboni. 
There  is  room  enough  to  admit  a  coach  or  cab,  but  none  to  turn.  A 
rat-trap  might  be  coustructcd  on  this  principle,  and  called  the  "Chan- 
cenr  Rat-trap;  or.  Every  Housekeeper  his  own  Eldon." 

Mb.  John  Robert  Taylor,  of  54,  Cimneenr-Lane,  supplies  the 
most  ftigni£cant,  the  most  ominous  incident,  bcanng  upon  the  danger- 
ous character  of  his  whereabout : — 

"  Duins  th«  rarinff  whlnb  Rvnenlly  maam  lAtr  Iho  •nniboM*  bav«  bw»  fairly 
iiiikMkcd  at  tba  Uolboni  end  of  Cbatuvry-laua,  aboat  2  o'clock  thU  aftoruoon,  ono  "f 
tin  bocBM  In  aa  r>miUbaa  aetaally  <mi  km  $km  Umtngik  vnc  a/  ifp  fiaU'ffl4utA  ngi/u 
^mItMi  «fai«b  mlglit  t)4va  killed  more  Uiaa  od»  pancn  irbo  Uappciiod  to  b«  auutliDi! 

Xttta  window  It  thollmiL    This  »bn«  may  tw  amii  br  any  peracio  calllni;  hflra, 
will  Rtaroely  cnwllt  nirh  an  extraordinary  lnatane«  of  thu  mnnyth  of  th«  twne.'* 

An  omnibus  horse  loses  his  shoe  on  his  way  through  Chancer^'  Lane. 
What  is  this,  but  another  proof  that  uotlmig  can  approach  the  Court  of 

Chancerv    -■•' -  -■'    ■  ■'  t^l?     from  bran-new  c  '-!  •       'H 

iron.  CL  li.    Has  M&  'UrLoa  ^ 

shoe  to  •  :  ;  for  we  undemUnd  f! 

the  immorlftl  ~  tame  ostrich  that^  from  ila  Chanucry 

habits,  can  d  -  f  iron — always  excepting  prison  bars; 

tht^  retnun  enure  ;  uctiicaicd  to  th«  Chanceo'  captives  of    from  30  to 

MxT4YU)»  has  «ritil«i  ivgeot  leticn  Id  His  Babes  of  the  Woods 
■nd  ?oceiU.    Ths  iBaocwis !    They  ca&  (io  TiHHilg     They  pot  tb«tr 


thumbs  in  their  mouths;  and  with  a  wondering  stare  shake  their  heads. 
They  "have  no  funds  at  their  eximraand  for  purposes  of  metropolitan 
improvement;"  no,  only  of  f<;lvan  and  rustic  depredation.  However, 
let  Mr.  Taylor  persevere;  and  next  session  the  Woods  and  Forests 
may  obtain  a  parliamentary  grant,  bv  way  of  loan,  for  widening 
Chancery  Lane  only  :  when  they  have  ontaincd  the  inruify,  let  them  he 
vigfilautly  watched,  lest  they  devote  the  funds  '  lostng   of 

Primrose  Hill,  as  a  mushroom  ground  for  the  kitz-ln  Majesit 

and  pKi.vcE  Aluekt.    In  the  meaulinic,  sliouM   \  •    ■  ^^hoe 

still  remain   in   the   possessiion   of  Mk.  Ta^l k.   In    '  :  a 

mecline  of  Chancery  Lane  inhabiUuitN  V-i  -.  i.  iici  ;,i^L — l;..  ahoU 
carry  lueshoe  to  the  ofiicial  abode  of  I  'Oub;  and  there  and 

then,  for  ffood  luck,  nail  the  aforesaid  -.ver  thedoorof  the 

Office  of  Woods  and  Forests.  Our  vpr.tfi*blc  uacestora  had  great  faith 
in  a  horse-shoe  so  affixed :  it  scared  away  evil  spirits.  And  that  llicse 
arc  apt  to  haunt  the  councils  of  Woods  and  Forests  is  borne  in  testimony 
against  them  by  St.  Jauks,  despoiled  and  wailiug  in  his  Fark. 


THE  CONSCIENCK  MONEY  MANU. 

The  public  conscience  continuce  to  be  visited  by  ihcAe  intermittent 
or  remittent  qualms,  which  manifest  themselves  in  the  shape  of  Bank 
note  halves,  and  arc  felt  in  that  most  lender  of  all  places  the  pocket. 
The  Chaxcellor  or  the  Exchequbh  funiishes  by  his  ocoasional 
advertisements  a  sort  of  conscicnce-ometer,  from  which  we  may  ascer- 
tain the  force  and  value  of  the  scruples  afiecting  the  minds  of  the  tax- 
paving,  or  rather  the  tax-eluding  portion  ol  th  ~      ■: — ntty. 

This  attempt  on  the  port  of  individuals  to  :  '^elvcsto  moral 

health  by  vomnlarilv  resorting  t«  a  little  p*  i  i  1 1  ding  when  the 
conscience  is  ovenmarsed — aind  the  pocket  hu  been  undercharged  in 
I  he  way  of  taxes — may  or  regarded  as  a  very  satisfactory  omen.  It  is, 
however,  to  be  regretted  thai  this  seusiliieness  of  the  conscience 
should  be  limited  to  those  who  have,  in  some  way  or  other,  defrauded 
the  pubUc  rcsources^and  does  not  affect  those  who  have  victimised 
private  individuals.  We  sliouJd  like  to  see  returns  of  conscience  money 
m  the  shape  of  overcttargcs  made  by  tradesmen  to  their  customers. 
Imagine  a  visitation  of  conscience  among  the  Railway  speculators  or 
pccul&tors,  and  conceive — if  possible — the  business  that  would  have  lo 
nc  done  on  the  settling  day,  when  the  account  between  persona  and 
their  consciences  came  lo  be  settled. 

We  hope  this  partial  visitation  of  conscience  may  only  be  a  preoursor 
lo  a  general  attack,  vhicli  will  end  in  the  grocer  sending  back  con- 
science money  for  the  sand  sold  as  sugar,  or  the  birch  paid  for  as  tea ; 
in  the  mUkman  returning  the  difference  between  the  value  of  chalk- 
mixture  and  genuine  milk;  in  the  doctor  disgorging  the  price  of  the 
tiseless  medicine  which  the  patient  unhappily  never  can  again  disgorge ; 
and,  in  fact,  in  a  general  restoration  of  all  cash  improperly  received  by 
all  classes  of  society.  But  perhaps,  considering  Ine  generality,  if  not 
the  universaUtv,  of  the  viclimising  process  practised  by  one  upon 
another,  the  shortest  plan  woiUd  be  to  grant  a  general  amnesty  to 
every  body's  conscience  for  the  past,  aiiulet  every  one  undertake  to 
keep  his  conscience  in  a  wholesome  state  for  the  fntnre. 


Begistev!  Besister!  Be^ister! 

JuDGUiG  from  the  number  of  legisiercd  paletots,  stockings,  bOQt% 
hats,  stoves,  baby -jumpers,— in  f>'t.  rri/ivi(r.^.i  iwrvthing^  from  a 
shirt  to  a  stcam-engino.— wc  lli  warning  which 

Sir    ItoBKHT  Pkel  stole   from    ^  .   and  exclaim, 

"  The  Battle  of  Puffery  must  be  fuu.hl  ua  the  ikgi&liotiou-Courts !  " 


"  The  Decline  o?  Exclakd." — We  only  know  one  instance,  and 
that  is,  Kuglaud's  decUuing  to  buy  Honsuur  Ledru  Kolun's  book. 


ESGLAKD  fl  OREEN   WOODS  iJUJl   yORESTS. 

A  Little  Book  has  becu  published  under  the  title  of  "  Htm  to  lap 
OmI  a  Smaii  O'arfirn."  Wc  beg  to  recommend  to  the  aotioo  of  the 
Woods  and  Forests  a  similar  liltle  book,  which  wc  are  thinking  ol  pub- 
lishing, called  "i&ip  fo  Jmv  Out  £li,OOU  i/i  SftoUiMp  a  Phblic  Oiu-den," 
It  wiO  be  acoompaaied  with  a  large  cut.  viz..  a  diagram  of  the  laree 
slice  of  ground  which  they  have  hod  the  impudence  to  cut  off  St.  Jamers 
Park. 


REMOVAL.— The  Statue  of  VitTov*.  which  wd  pulvcriaed  in  Puttch  aboul 
a  twalvamoQth  ago,  Itaa  been  rom^^vrd  fn.iD  Victoria  3auan>.  PliaHoo,  and  tiaa 
1  goiM,  BO  ooe  oan  teil  waora.    It  !»  auppc^ed  ibai  ib«  large  Globt  on  wbloh  ikavfif 
efflify  of  Uk»  MAJaan  itood,  bM  Wn  ti>Ul  \v  a  tMigbkpuHnj;  Et[lrit^f;niaod,  wiMtv 
It  i»  Mid  tub*   doluK  *  «orM  of  toUchiof  amanK  tha  Qlnr-i    i  '-aium  itaalf  U 

ftrpstly  mtaafd  by  th«  ovallirwa  and  alt  th«  Uttte  birda  of  t'  <-d  u>  malta 

it   (hsir  rMtiDfl-piaoa  darlnif  liM  Tiialilonabla  MaMm,  wb*'"  •  -  »  rvTitw  In 

Hydci  Paik-  Tlia  lHb*biianla  of  Vkluris  Sqnan  Ulumina'f  <Ltii  pK/Iuur*  nvary 
««t>iilnc  l<i  biiDour  f-f  ttie  rvmoTal  of  iht  uoalgbUT  lump  m(  granlle.  It  la  rumMrM 
ibat  (b«  TftcaocT  win  aoi  be  ItUrd  up.  ablrbwUl  b<  a  uvliig,  itot  aoly  to  l)>«  luhtU- 
faftb.  who  enola  Dot  tnok  ool  of  window  ^na«rly  wltbout  baTio£  aoDnMiBalt/ifDri^ 
bat%»th«  pabUo  la  ff«Mi«K. 


N 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


P 


TILE  GENUINE  PRIZE  SONG  FOR  JENNV  LIND- 

(^(  tkd  teniae  e/  N».  B&um.) 

I  AM  glad  1  Lave  come  from  my  owu  northern  borne, 

Far  nwav  o'er  the  wide  rollinp  sea. 
For  I  feel  that  1  stand  on  the  giorion*  land 

Where  alone  dwells  a  neople  tUat*s  free! 
Never  here  for  vile  po)d  ouman  beings  arc  Bold, 

Who  the  tint  of  our  brolherhood  wear; 
If  that,  tokcu  tUcy  lack— if  tiic  creatures  arc  black— 

Oh,  why  Ihcn  thut  's  another  affair! 
La.  la,  la! 

Yes— of  course  tliat  'a  another  affair ! 

Every  man  of  each  sect  holds  his  head  up,  erect 

As  the  eagle  that  face&  the  sun  ; 
Ah !  you  do  not  see  here  class  o'er  class  domineer* 

Here  oppressed  or  oppressors  are  nmie. 
In  this  nation  sublime,  wretches  braudcd  with  chuic 

Rue  aioiie  in  base  Inmldom  their  ."in  ; 
And  the  guilt  of  all  dies  in  Americau  cvea 

Far  the  deepest^  is  darkness  of  skin  f 
La,  la,  la! 

Tea — the  wor^t  guilt  is  darkncsa  of  skin  ! 

Here  a  fond  wedded  pair  independently  share 

All  the  joTs  of  the  ctrnjugal  life. 
There  is  no  law  to  port  heart  united  to  heart. 

Wife  from  husband,  and  husband  from  wife. 
8ach  tmrbarity  fell,  as  tlie  offspring  to  sell 

From  the  parent,  is  wholly  unknown ; 
But  their  lips  if  too  full,  and  their  hair  curly  wool, 

Some  have  no  cliild  nor  wife  of  their  own! 
La,  la,  la! 

No,  they  have  no  child  nor  wife  of  their  own ! 

At  the  tyrant's  nroud  hand  there 's  no  scourge  to  command 
On  this  side  tne  Atliintic'&  broad  wave. 

No  Americau  can  by  his  own  fellow  man 
Be  di*jfTaccd  with  the  slriiK's  of  the  slave. 

Man  is  sacred  from  blows— by  the  right  of  his  nos«. 
If  it  be  not  too  broad  und  too  Jlat ; 

Then  vou'  re  licensed  to  tlirash— then  fall  on  with  the  lash- 
He  8  only  a  Nigger,  and  bom  to  the  cat  \ 

La,  la,  la! 
Tes,  a  Nigger,  and  bom  (o  the  cat ! 


THE  NEXT  BALLOON  ASCENT. 

Ptmuo  Amusements  may  be  said  to  have  been  lately  "loofuug 
lip"  in  one  sense,  for  the  eyes  of  Europe  have  been  turned  towards 
the  numerous  balloons  which  have  been  in  the  ascendant  dariDS 
the  season  now  at  it-s  close.  Announcements,  almost  as  inflated 
AS  the  balloons  themselves,  have  promised  all  sorts  of  aclueve- 
menta  by  all  aorta  of  aeronauts  who,  goaded  on  by  the  greedy 
appetite  of  the  unthinking  public  for  dangerous  displays,  have 
been  outbidding  each  other  for  popularilr,  by  a  fearful  competition 
in  the  race  of  foUv  and  audacity.  Horseback,  pouyback,  aud 
donkeyback,  have  all  been  resorted  to,  in  turn,  for  the  gratification 
of  the  sightseers,  who  found  the  ordinary  perils  of  ballooning 
stale  and  nat  without  a  little  extra  excitement-,  and,  considering  the 
torture  inflicted  on  the  quadrupeds,  as  well  as  the  folly  practised 
by  the  bipeds,  it  did  not  require  a  very  great  elevation  from  the 
earth  to  render  it  diliicult  to  distinguish  the  man  from  the  brute, 
or  the  donkey  from  the  aeronaut. 

One  fatal  result  is  a  providentially  small  per-centage  on  the 
vast  amount  of  folly — to  eire  it  the  mildest  name — that  luw  been 

Sractised  during  the  last  few  months  for  the  satisfaction  of  ihtsi 
epraved  and  demoraUsiog  taste  which  fluda  amusement  in 
witnessing  the  risk  of  human  life,  and  which  is  most  fully  induJged 
when  the  chances  of  safety  to  a  lellow-creature  are  reduced  to  the 
ntmost  miuimum.  Surely  it  is  lime  for  authority  to  put  a  stop 
to  these  brutAlising  scenes,  since  it  is  not  many  years  ago  that  one 
poor  wretch  committed  suicide  by  banging  himself  in  a  pubUc 
thoroughfare,  for  the  diversion  of  a  gnnuing  crowd;  it  is  still 
more  recently  that  *'  Professor  "  Somebody  broke  a  child's  neck 
in  the  presence  of  an  iguorantly  ^phmding  audience ;  and  it  is 
but  the  other  day  that  another  unfortunate  victim  to  the  public 
"taste"  was  dashed  to  pieces,  out  of  sight  of  his  patrons,  who 
were  thus  baulked  of  witnessing  the  greit  point  of  attraction,  on 
the  chance  of  which  Lhey  had  paid  their  money,  t 

If  this  sort  of  thing  is  to  go  on  next  season,  some  new  excite- 
ment must  be  found,  for  an  aeronaut  on  horseback  or  donkJey* 


back  has  got  quite  stale,  and  one  fatal  result  in  some  fifty  repetitiona,  offexs 
loo  small  &  prooability  of  accident  for  an  enlightened  public  to  part  with 
their  sliiUings  and  isiipences.  The  only  thing  to  be  dose  to  keep  tne  excite- 
ment alive — whether  the  aeronaut  wiO  be  kept  alive  is  another  qaestiaQ — 
will  be  to  make  an  arrangement  for  a  balloon  ascent,  by  aoBM  of  tM  Gssxva 
or  the  Grabams,  on  the  baok  of  the  HJppopotuuaa. 


The  following  letter  has  been  received  by  ua  from  our  esteemed  frictid 
the  Porcupine  at  the  Zoological  Gardens ; — 

"  Drau  PtTNCH,— Being  elected  scribe  to  the  tenanta  of  the  S^logied 
Gurdens,  and  seeing  that  '  M.  PoirrvrK.  the  well-known  KTonant,  UModa 
on  a  live  ostrich,'  1  am  rctiucsted,  on  the  part  of  the  boa^oonstrietor,  to 
state,  that  he,  the  boa,  is  ready  to  go  up  with  any  gentleman  prepared  for 
the  journey ;  and  further,  that,  as  the  said  boa-con  strict  or  baa,  not  had 
90  much  as  a  rabbit  or  a  pigeon  for  more  than  a  month,  h**  '■•  '"  ^h** 
liveliest  condition  to  take  a  cuange  of  air.    He  is  ready  to  asoi  :.z 

about  the  person  of  the  nronant  a  6  or  an  8,  as  may  be  decidt  ,«i*. 

is,  according  to  the  flguie. 

"  I  am,  yours,  a  brother  of  the  quHI,  aliaa, 

"Tm  PoRccnic*,** 

"  F.S. — Wc  hare  a  few  lively  rattle-soakcs  that,  tied  in  a  bundle,  wbAA 
form  a  very  novel  seat  for  one  ascending.  I  would,  however,  eameat  tSil 
the  rattle-snakes  should  be  kept  back  as  great  cards  to  tmnp  the  bo^'* 


^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


163 


CONVENT  OF  THE  BELGRAVIANS. 

VERYBODY  wbo  has  a  proper 
veneration  for  the  rcrcdos.  and 
who,  vitbout  holding  extreme 
opinions  on  the  subjccl  of  the 
dalmatic,  feels  correct  ly  on 
that  of  the  alb,  wlio  has  a 
soul  that  can  appreciate  me- 
diecvol  art,  particularly  the 
beautiful  forcahortcning  of  otit 
ancestors,  and  vho  woidd  re- 
vive their  ecclesiastical  prac- 
tices and  institutions  to  an 
extent  jnat  tastefully  Ro- 
manesque, will  bo  "  ryghte 
gladde'*  to  hear  that  it  is  pro- 
posed to  found  a  Convent,  on 
Anglican  principles,  under  the 
above  title.  'JTie  vulgar,  who 
think  that  a  niinnrity  13  ne- 
ceasarily  a  sect,  wilt,  of  course, 
call  it  a  Pnaevite  Nunnery: 
that  cannot  be  helped. 

The  Convent  will  be  under 
the  superintendence  of  a  Lady 
Ahbesa,  who  will  be  a  real 
Coontesa,  at  the  least.  One 
principal  object  of  the  institu- 
tion IS  to  recall  the  good  old 
times  when  thegentleBLANCHE 
or  the  high-bom  Britnhilda, 
taking  the  vows  and  the  veil, 
connected  the  hallowed  cell 
with  the  heraldic  Trillin,  the 
coronet  with  the  cloister. 

The  Nuns  will  all  make  an 
engagement  of  celibacy ;  but, 
to  preclude  them  from  con- 
IrBCtine  any  rash  obligation, 
only  for  so  long  as  they  may  remain  in  the  Convent,  which  they  shall  be  at  liocrty  to  quit  whenever 
they  please,  at  a  month's  notice — or  the  equivalent  tltemative.  Each  Nun  will  be  required  to  con- 
tribate  to  the  ncecsaities  of  the  Convent  at  Icjist  £10  a  week,  that  sum  being  the  minimum  at  which 
it  will  be  possible  to  defray  the  expenses  of  the  eatablislimcnt,  and  keep  it  select.  She  will  be,  also, 
expected  to  bring  two  silver  forks,  and  all  the  usual  requisites  of  the  toilet. 

The  vow  of  poverty,  pro  tem.^  is  also  to  be  taken  by  the  Nuns,  as  it  safely  may,  becans^^  from  the 
nature  of  the  establishment,  their  whole  incomes  will  be  expended  for  conventual  purposes.  The  sisters 
will  all  have  separate  colls,  fitted  up  comfortablv,  combining  the  bondoir  and  the  oratory.  Each  sister  will 
be  attended  by  n  male  ana  female  domestic.  It  was  at  first  intended  that  the  former  ahoidd  be  clad  in 
the  attire  of  an  antique  scrviDc-man,  but  this  npparcl  being  likely  to  incur  puerile  derision,  it  baa  been 
deemed  expedient,  on  the  whole,  that  he  should  wear  the  Lady  Abbess's  Uvery. 

The  Nuns  will  have  acommon  sitting-room,  carpeted  with  an  imitation  of  encaustic  pavement,  the 
TDoftimbers  to  be  of  dark  oak,  the  walls  frescoed,  and  the  chairs  and  piano  beautifully'  and  grotesquely 
carved.  Their  refectory  will  have  a  dai.%  at  which  will  sit  the  Lady  Abbess  and  the  auten  of  title,  thai 
the  seemly  distinctions  of  social  rank  may  bo  observed. 

The  ustial  diet  of  the  Nuns  will  be  optional— that  is  t«  say,  of  coarse  moderate— in  point  of  quantitv. 
AB  fast  davfl,  however,  will  be  strictly  kept,  by  reUgiousJv  eating  red  mullet  and  raspberry  jam  tart.  If 
no  red  muUct  is  to  be  nad,  John  Dory,  •^almnti,  or  any  otner  fish  in  season  may  be  substituted. 

The  costume  of  the  sisterhood  will  consist  of  a  judicious  admixture  of  the  conventual  style  with  the 
fashion  of  the  day.  The  Nun  will  not  bo  obliged  t-o  sacrifice  her  hair,  but  only  to  wear  it  plain,  a  la 
Madonna,  and  it  will  be  permitted  to  be  partially  visible. 

Absolute  seclusion  will  by  no  means  be  enforced ;  Indeed  it  will  bo  incumbent  on  the  Nuns  to  appear 
in  society,  in  order  to  disp  ay  the  beauty  of  sanctity.  There  will  be  no  objection,  therefore,  but  rather 
the  reverse,  to  their  going  to  flower-shows  and  concerts,  or  even  to  Her  Majesty's  Theatre,  whenever 
they  please.    At  the  same  time,  they  wiU  thoroughly  renounce  the  world,  in  the  BclgraviAU  sense. 

The  time  of  the  Nuns  will  be  devoted  to  practising  the  charities  of  life  by  making  morning  calls, 
and  occasi',nally  viaithig  soup-kitchens  and  model  lodeinsr-h'^  use*  in  a  properly  appointed  carriage,  or, 
if  the/  wa  k,  attended  by  a  footman.  Otherwise,  their  leisure  will  be  employed  in  ufuminating  books  of 
devotion,  practising  ecclesiastical  tones,  and  workinpr  slip]»rs  for  the  younger  clergy. 

A  certAin  number  of  Bishops  shall  be  elected  Visitons  to  the  Convent,  and  shall  be  invited  to  come  in 
that  capacity  to  all  nireet,  of  which  not  le&s  than  three  shall  be  given  at  the  institution  every  week^the 
company  to  be  admitted  by  vouchers,  on  the  principle  of  AxBUCK's;  so  that  none  but  the  most  eligible 
parties  shall  be  introduced. 

No  austerities  calculatc'd  to  injure  the  health  or  personal  appearance  will  be  permitted  at  this  Convent, 
The  sister  who  rises  early  to  attend  matins  in  cold  weather,  must  submit  to  have  her  bed  carefully 
warmed  for  her  by  the  time  she  comes  back.  The  inordiuate  indulgence  in  maceration,  encouraged 
by  Rome,  will  be  disallowed  ^  and  I  be  only  means  sanctioned  for  the  restraint  of  the  flesh,  will  be  the 
gtmtlc  ana  mo<leratc  compression  of  stays. 

That  the  Anglican  Convent,  thus  conalituted,  will  lead  to  "perversions'*  there  is  no  fear.  Alas! 
thfl  hard  multitude  will  rather  say  that  the  Puseyitc  sisters  are  only  playinv  at  Koman  Catholics,  and 
the  ri]«  pans1«r  will  remark  that  their  Convent  is  more  a  Monkey-ry  than  a  Nunnery. 


A  MEETING  WITHOUT  AN 
ADJOURNMENT, 

Thb  Commissioners  of  Sewers  had 
a  meeting  on  October  lllh,  and  trans- 
acted business  for  two  hours  without 
an  adjournment !  Such  an  accident 
was  never  known  before,  jind  the  ei- 
rilemenl  it.4)roduced  in  the  puriieus 
of  this  quiet  little  Court  may  be  ea- 
timated  from  the  fact,  that  when  the 
meeting  was  over  there  were  not  less 
than  three  persons  present.  This  is 
extraordinary  for  n  Court  that  can 
rarely  enlist  the  attention  of  an 
audience  of  more  than  one— and  that 
one,  very  frequently,  the  usher ! 

We  arc  glad  to  have  it  in  our  power 
to  {luhlish  a  plcabing  little  fact  in 
connexion  with  the  Court  of  Sewers. 
Tlie  great  difficulty  the  Comrawsioncra 
cx[>erience  in  transacting  their  busi- 
ness, is  to  sit  ouietly  on  their  chairs, 
sometimes  for  three  hours  at  a  time, 
andhaveuotiiingtodo.  An  old  woman, 
taking  their  forlorn  condition  into  con- 
sideration, has  started  a  circulating 
library  just  opposite  their  windows. 
The  object  of  this  is  evidently  to 
relieve  the  heavy  tedium  the  Commis- 
sioncra  who  arc  present  have  to  endure, 
in  waiting  for  the  Commissioners  who 
are  absent,  and  we  must  aav  it  is  very 
kind  of  the  old  woman.  The  books 
are  lent  at  a  very  moderato  rate,  and 
when  we  mention  that  the  price  is  only 
a  penny  a-day  per  volume,  cur  readers 
wul  at  once  see  what  a  boon  this  kind 
arrangement  of  the  old  woman  is  likely 
to  be  To  poor,  suffering  Commisaioners. 


The  State  of  the  Serpentine. 

Quidnuncs  nsed  to  inquire  What's 
in  the  Wind?  but  the  question  that 
really  waits  for  solution  in  these  days 
is,  What 's  in  the  Water?  Tlic  Ser- 
pentine is  a  subject  that  now  invitos 
miuiry,  but  we  arc  not  at  all  disiiosed 
to  CO  deeply  into  it.  Its  bed  is  in 
such  a  dirty  stale,  that  a  clean  sheet 
of  water  is  thrown  away  upon  it,  and 
when  the  pubUc  apply  to  the  Com- 
missioners of  Woods  and  Forests,  the 
only  answer  returned  is  a  wet  blanket. 
It  has  been  proposed  to  draw  off  public 
indignation  from  the  Serpentine  by 
drawing  off  the  water  altogcl ber,  but 
there  is  something  at  the  bottom  of  all 
this,  wliich  renders  it  unsafe  to  try  the 
experiment. 


Temperance  Wine. 

TnEUH  is  a  wine  advertised,  called 
*'  Exhibition  Wine."  This  is  an  un- 
happy title,  we  think,  for  what  man  in 
hta  senses  would  driiuc  much  of  a  wine 
that,  with  every  sip  he  took,  held  up 
before  bis  eves  the  reproving  word, 
"  Exhibition  r  "  He  would  naturally 
count  his  glaases,  lest,  from  drinking 
too  much,  he  should  ultimately  make 
an  Exhibitiou  of  himself. 


CnABITT   BEOINB    AFTER  PtTV^EB. 

TuAT  peculiar  kind  of  Charity,  which 
excels  in  eatiu?  a  dinner  and  giving  a 
subscription  after  it,  hn<  been  ably 
characterised  by  a  waiter  at  the 
London  Tavern  as  *'  Toz-Kxiri-AKD- 

FonK-OUT-CnABITT.'* 


^^.fcfiA, 


A 


Mi 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


WHOLESOME  PREJUDICE. 
"RaizaoaMi  Sm!  I  uatb  Baileoads,  avd  I  uiau.  Bii  vKar  clid 

TBBT 'KS  DOMS  AWAT   VITH,  AMD   WK'tK  GOT   TUB  CoaCUKS   AQAIH." 


NOTES  OF  A  TOWN  TRAVELLER. 

1  AM  a  town  traveller,  for  no  particular  bouse,  aod  in  no  particujar 
fine,  except  the  line  of  tnreepenny  omnibusscs,  to  which  I  always  try 
to  adhere,  on  account  of  the  cheap  fares,  becau^  in  puyiiig  sixpence  I 
do  not  go  80  far  and  fare  worse,  while,  in  paying  threepence,  I  go 
farther  and  far*  better.  My  trade,  if  anj;,  ia  the  fancy-trade,  for 
products  of  the  imagination  are  what  I  chielly  deal  in,  and,  if  I  am 
interested  in  prices  of  any  kind,  it  is  in  the  price  at  wlilch  I  can 
get  the  publishers  to  negotiate  my  paper.  I  cont^^mpltite  doing'  a  little 
Business,  if  I  can,  as  a  town  traveller,  and  the  fianipLe  L  now  offer  will 
show  the  sort  of  article  I  am  ready  to  snm}l>  at  the  usual  prices.  In 
the  course  of  my  town  travelling  I  shaU  i^nJeavonr  to  Bclcct  those 
olqects  that  are  either  curious  and  new,  or  curiouB  and  old,  or  that  are, 
fcr  any  other  quality,  legitimate  subjects  of  cunosity. 

The  other  day  I  scrambled  on  to  the  roof  of  an  Allss  bujss,  aad  bcir, 
1  may  observe  by  the  way,  that  these  vehicles  are  appropnatfly 
designated;  for  an  A-tlas  carries  all  the  world  on  its  roof^  as  lU  name- 
sake of  antiquity  carried  all  the  world  on  his  shonlders  -  and  I  may 
remark,  however,  that  Shakespkake  ww  wron^  in  saying,  "  flied  as 
great  Atlas  self,"  for  I  have  seldom  seen  an  Atka  &  fixture — or  even 
witering  like  some  busses  in  a  Liverpool  tboroughfaTO,  The  Con- 
ductors, unlike  Conductors  in  general,  know  how  to  conduct  them- 
selves, and  are  conversant  with  many  of  the  ix>lite  arts,  w]iich  or? 
usually  unknown  among  the  thoroughly  numbered  but  wholly  un- 
lettered class  of  men  who  so  frequently  may  be  anid  to  open  the  door 
to  abuse,  and  slam  it  to,  with  a  terrific  bsjig,  against  nil  remonsJrance, 
The  course  of  the  veliicle  lay  over  West  minster  Bridge — which  has 
been  tumbling  into  bed— the  bed  of  the  river — for  the  last  fifty  years; 
and  its  dilapidated  state  can  cause  no  surprise,  when  we  remember 
that  this  bridge  has  always  hada  CommiUee  of  some  sort  to  sit  upon 
it.  There  is  a  story  told  of  the  triumpha  of  Kur^ry^  whioh  cut  of 
both  the  arms  and  both  the  legsof  an  uidiTtdual,  who  Lii-ed  notwith- 
standing the  qiuidrnple  operation ;— a  c^q  not  unlike  tliitt  of  West- 
ninster  Bridge,  which  is  still  a  bridf?e  after  a  series  of  abrifiremcnts 
tiiat  have  cut  away  its  arches,  its  sides,  its  balustmdes,  ana  every 
thin^  but  the  bare  road,  which  stiU  draffs  out  a  mi&erabff^  existence, 
but  IS  the  mere  shadow  of  what  it  formerly  used  to  be.  On  the  other 
side  of  Westminster  Bridge  old  Association  asks  for  the  Marsh  Gate, 
when  the  driver— a  member  of  the  new  Associntran—replifis.  tfiat  the 
Marsh  Gate — a  few  years  ago  in  full  swing— has  been  ciimplcttly  un- 
hinged by  modem  improvement,  and  has  been  suporaeded  by  the  &outb 
Western  Railway,  woich  crosses  the  road^  and  keeps  a  quantity  of 
hissing,  smoking,  screaming  engines  always  ''  on  ^iew,"  running  back- 
wards and  forwards,  or  standing  upon  the  arch  to  '*  fnght  *'  the  horses 
passing  beneath  "  from  tbeir  propriety." 

To  the  left  extends  the  New  Cut,  which  certainly  has  the  ent  of 
novelty  about  it  to  the  nnfmniHnr  eye,  for  the  whole  business  of  tbe 
pUce  seems  to  be  carried  on  upon  the  foot  pavement.    There  is  a  long 


series  of  counters  along  the  entire  line  of  the  kerbstone,  md  across  tbe 
footway  tbe  eye  of  the  traveller  is  often  literally  struck  by  a  piece  of 
hea^  merchandise  dsngling  on  a  pole  from  the  first  or  second  floor 
windows.  Here  a  mountain  of  linendrapery  presents  a  sort  of  miniature 
Alp,  snow-capped,  as  it  were,  with  a  lot  of  snowy  white  night-cape — all 
at  31-^md  the  pass  has  scarcely  been  effected  before  the  traveUer  finds 
himself  huri^  imder  an  avalandie  of  cheap  clothing,  that  baa  riided 
down  from  the  adjacent  heights— the  supposed  fastness  being  in  Tact  a 
loo&ciiti^s  fruuL  wluch  he  excapea,  only  to  thread  the  maces  of  huge 
banks  and  barri<rrs  bristling  with  cheap  ironmongery,  or  ^nca  with 
cabbage  Icavcf^  and  other  low-^niced  verdure.  The  occupation  of  their 
homes  Appears  to  be  tbe  last  thing  that  the  inhabitants  care  about,  for 
their  hfiDitatlons  Torm  the  mere  back-ground  of  the  scene,  the  business 
of  life  hem^  confined  to  the  thoroupfare  itself,  where  many  a  bangain 
h  interrupted  by  Die  tradesman,  the  customer,  and  the  goods,  being 
knocked  down  m  one  lot  by  the  passing  vehicle.  Thou^  the  shop- 
keepers do  not  wiib  their  goods  to  be  depreciated,  they  expose  them  to 
be  run  down  renealedly,  and  a  coal  waggon  may  often  be  seen  wending 
its  way  over  Boots  for  the  Million,"  "  Five  thousand  Faraaols,*' 
"  Genla'  Pants,"  "  The  Fashion."  "A  Dinner  Service  of  40  piece^"  now 
annulled  into  a  hundred  and  fiftv,  with  a  variety  of  other  articles  that 
off,"  and  which  are  now  made  to  fulfil  the  decrees 


Alarming 


must  all  be  cleared 
of  their  destiny,  by  forming  the  materials  of  one  great 
Sacrifice." 

The  residents  of  the  New  Cut  have  evidently  taken  their  houses  for 
the  purpose  of  tomiug  them  out  of  window,  a  process  whidi  is  litendly 
earned  out — by  the  carrying  out  of  their  goo^^ — every  morning,  on  to 
the  pavement,  and  tiie  decoration  of  the  front  of  their  premises  with 
everything  baonging  to  the  intericn:.  The  broker  makes  up  his 
half-dozen  beds  in  the  middle  of  the  street,  as  if  to  invite  tbe  way- 
worn traveller  to  turn  in;  while  nnder  every  lamp-post  there  is  a 
retUtttrwUt  to  tempt  the  ^petite  with  the  bearded  oyster,  the  smooth- 
faced shcMBp's-head,  the  meat  pie — containing  a  piece  of  something 
wrapped  in  paite,  and  wrapped  also  in  mystery — the  steaming  potato, 
the  ball  in  whi(^  popular  superstition  traces  the  presence  of  brandy,  ana 
the  toliy  which  has  put  into  neariy  evezrbodrs  mouth  the  name  of 
Everton.  The  foreigner  who  had  been  tokl  that  the  English  people 
never  live  out  of  dcors,  would  be  astonished  at  finding,  by  a  visit  to  the 
New  Cut,  how  completely  al  fretco  are  all  the  proceedings  of  the  in- 
habitants. Tbe  Frenchman  who  had  heard  of  the  dullness  of  a  London 
Sunday,  would  find  everything  proceeding  in  the  New  Cut  as  if  there 
were  no  day  of  rest  or  recreation,  and  nothing  to  remind  one  of  the 
existence  of  a  Sunday,  except  a  church  in  the  centre  of  the  soene, 
pkced  there,  probably,  by  way  of  contrast.  Tbe  disoriminatzng  eye 
may  detect^  rier<!  and  there,  a  member  of  the  congregation  of  this  onorch 
stmggliug  through  to  its  doors,  as  well  as  he  can,  amidst  the  pilei  of 
merfhMDaise,  the  din  of  traffic,  the  noisy  solicitations  of  the  traaesmeB, 
and  the  TociTcroua  bar^iuing  of  the  customers.  Any  one  who  objects 
to  tile  sober  quietude  aud  calm  recreation  of  an  English  Sunda^L  need 
only  repair  to  the  New  Cut,  where  such  a  thing  as  a  i^^^*'*!!  9^ 
holydav  seems  to  be  utterly  unknown  to  the  inhabitants.  Their 
week-dny  amu^emenU  partake  of  the  same  (^en-airy  character,  for 
about  half-way  down  on  the  right  hand  side  la  a  speciea  of  jpenny 
tbeal i^,  or)  as  the  French  would  more  appropriately  call  it,  a  SatU^  for 
its  mkie  IS  cons^icuotis.  In  obedience  to  the  ^mim  UtcL  which  m«kes 
externals  evcrythuig,  the  outside  of  the  theatre  is  plastered  all  over  with 
the  rpipresentation  of  a  great  deal  more  than  can  possibly  be  seen  within,. 
and  disappointed  will  ix^  he,  who,  having  paid  nis  penny  at  the  door, 
exrweis  to  see  onu  half  of  the  tahUaus  realised. 

Even  sbouM  Kih  ta^ste  be  gratified  by  the  exhibition  of  the  two  coarae- 
looking  creatures  in  bed-gowns,  Ubelled,  "JiUkit  TaUiU  To-Nigkt"  or 
shoultf  he  be  edified  by  "  The  SiuruuM  Mias  Labkup"  haTiuv  her 
(Highland)  fling  in  her  Scotch  costume,  he  cannot  expect  to  see  all  the 
phwards,  mduding  "Sere't  a  Lark,"  *'Tke  In/Mi  Fm^  Asmmt." 

Young  CoL«,  the  Juvenile  Screecker"  and  other  misoellaneous 
promises  faithfully  performed  in  one  night  for  one  penny. 

It  would  be  easy  to  moralise  on  the  effect  of  trds  oomnany  of 
"  stunners  "  and  "  screechers  "  on  the  idle  boys  and  girls  who  torm  tbe 
chief  patrons  of  these  places  of  entertainment,  and  some  of  whom  are 
tempted  to  become  "stunners"  and  "screechers"  in  their  tun,  if 
nothing  worse  befals  them.  If  the  annals  of  crime  were  to  be  axudyaecl, 
how  much  of  it  might  be  traced  to  habitual  attendance  at  a  peony 
theatre,  is  a  question  that  may  be  asked,  but  cannot  be  answiiaed— 
except  at  a  guess— by 

A  Toinr  Tkatbuxb. 


Oowemment  Oonaeience  Money* 

Ma.  PtTNCH  has  to  acknowledge  the  receipt^  from  the  Chavcbluv 
OF  THE  ExcHEQUEB,  of  £6,  for  A  B.,  being  an  overobacge  of  kut  ywi's 
iuoome-tax.  Alaoof  thesmnsof  £18  l&i.  6itf.,aDd£10  UBi.  ^.m 
aoooont  of  P. Q.  and  X  Y.  g.,  fig  aoeamtalated  nieiuhaigM  of  tWMMe 
tax.    Mr.  Jhmek  has  paid  over  the  amount  to  tiie  Tudwniiifhr-Qeaend. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


106 


W 


THE  CHEERFUL  FARMER. 

Jm  Jfi^'Dinner  Sonq/&r  Jgricutiural  Ctuhi.    To  U  iung  to  a  pUasafU 
metanekotjf  Air^  teitK  a  Pipe  Jecomponimeni. 

ooD  people,  wc  will  not  despiur  of  the 

Slate ; 
AilhoiiKli  our  expenditure's  awfuUj 

Jomr  BiTLL,  noiwithstaudiog  the 
National  Debt, 

Id  Qot  (|uite  exhausted — tliere  's  meat 
on  him  yet. 

Ckoftu. 
Too,  ra  toora  loo,  ra  loora  loo.  ra 

loora  loo! 
Too.  ra  loora  loo.  ra  loom  loo,  ra 

loora  loo! 

'Tis  tmo  that  the  Parmer  eeta  less  for  his  wheat. 
And  has  a  hard  job  with  the  world  to  ooinoetc;^ 
Yet  wlmt  with  his  science,  inanopuvres,  ana  drains^ 
A  sort  of  a  living  be  somehow  obtaias. 
C4orK*.— Too,  ra  loom,  &c. 

The  Church  is  in  danger,  we  hear  aome  folks  sajr, 
Because  of  a  few  parsons  Roing  astray. 
But  the  bells  rinx  on  Sundays  the  same  as  before, 
And  weddings  and  christenings  go  on  as  of  yore. 
CSIoTM. — Too,  ra  loora,  «c. 

The  Crown  is  not  shaken,  as  'twas  to  hare  been. 
But  keeps  a  tight  fit  to  the  head  of  the  Qutss. 
The  Peera^  seems  oot  very  fast  to  decline ; 
I  ^ink  it  IS  like  to  last  your  time  and  mine. 
CAontr.— Too,  ra  loora,  &c. 

Meanwhile,  for  the  money,  wo  've  more  bread  and  meat. 
And  likewise  apparel,  besides  food  to  eat. 
Tboujtli  prices  must  double,  the  Fanner  to  pay. 
We  might  be  worse  off  than  we  ore,  1  dare  say. 
Choru$. — ^Too,  ra  loora,  Jfro. 

The  Stm  of  Old  England's  not  set,  it  appears, 
And  won't,  I  eipcct,  for  a  good  many  years ; 
9o  let  'a  have  a  proper  adjustment  of  rent. 
And  then  wc  wUl  try  if  wo  can't  be  content. 
ChttTM. — Too,  ra  loora,  frc. 


THE  GOLDEN  BROUGHAM. 


Wk  congratulate  all  those  who  arc  interested  in  Folk  lore,  on  a  dis- 
covery which  will  prove  that  not  without  reason  do  thev  hold  the  faith 
that  there  really  are  "  more  things  in  heaven  and  earth  t*han  are  dreamt 
of  iu  your  philo&opliy."  The  AUa  Caiifbntia  has  the  following  singular 
statement: — 

**LoBD  BaoooBAii  nr  CALiTonnA.— Oar  rrtaod  and  lati  cywUbounr,  Koaawr 
Wiuov,  nf  Stiickkia,  ynUirday  txhlblied  to  ua  a  cpedmen  of  gfiLd.  lMM.rlii|;  tlio  must 
■tflklag  llkenMi  of  tlie  earlcmtn(«i  of  Loitfi  BftuooSAii.  Tt  Ii  ftboat  tiro  fncbm  long, 
tad  the  nseniMatMe  In  mott 


Here  is  a  fact  which  will  take  down  that  nose  which  Incredulity  has 
been  turning  up  so  long  at  the  Rosicmcian  doctrines.  Statuettes  are 
not  made  without  bands :  and  it  is  satisfactory  to  find  the  sylplis  and 
gnomea  asserting  themselves.  That  ttiere  should  have  been  found  such 
an  imace  aa  that  described  of  the  noble  and  learned  lord  in  elfln  gotd. 
is  peciiBarly  gratifying  to  Sfr.  JPtmcJk,  as  attesting  not  only  the  existence 
of  a  fury  wond^  but  also  tho  popukuity  of  this  periodiod  amongst  its 
tehabttants. 


CHANCERY  LANE  WORTHY  OF  ITS  NAME. 

ScTEBAL  correspondents  have  been  bcatingthe  gongs  of  the  press, 
ttd  making  a  great  noise,  about  widening  the  Tlolbom  end  of  Chancery 
Lane!  We  amnit  the  very  great  improvement  that  would  be  caused  by 
QOB  or  two  iiooses  beinar  removed ;  but  stiil  we  should  be  sorrv  to  witness 
die  alteration  of  a  flin^e  stone  in  such  a  venerable  street,  which  is  con- 
nected with  some  of  our  most  venerable  institutions,  as  Chancery  Lone ! 
The  street,  aa  it  stands  at  present  is  a  brick-and -mortar  iUustratiuo  of 
tho  ways  of  Chancery.  It  ts  broad  at  one  eod,  and  extremely  narrow 
at  the  other-  very  easy  to  get  into,  but  how  difficult  to  get  out  of! 
It  is  the  perfect  history  of  a  Chancery  suit.  It  should  be  ollowe^l  to 
■tand  just  as  it  i^  with  all  its  difficulties  and  nuisances  untouched,  if  it 
wera  ouiy  to  serve  as  an  emblematic  comer-stotbe  of  the  institution  of 
which  iVbean  the  name ; — to  tell  stupid  people  in  tbe  most  pracUcable 
manner  what  tbey  moat  expeot  to  eoooonter,  if  they  trust  themselves 
inChanoeiy. 


AN  ERROR  OF  THE  PRESS 

It  seems  we  have  made  a  mistake,  and  wc  humbly  beg  pardon  for  it. 
Two  weeks  ago  we  aaid  that  the  "  Drury  Lane  'ITieatrical  Fund"  had 
subscribed  £10  lOf.  to  the  proposed  monument  to  the  "Good  DuK«'* 
or  Caubridob.  Mr.  Colih  Mackekzik  Iws  written  to  assure  us, 
that  it  is  not  the  Drury  Lane  llieatrical  Fund,  but  the  Committee  of 
that  Fund,  who  has  subscribed  the  sum  in  question.  Upon  the  faith  of 
Mr.  Mackenzie's  assuraucCt  wc  rectify  our  raistakf,  wid  withdraw  the 
comments  we  made  upon  it.  Will  the  Committee  of  the  Dniry 
Lane  Theatrical  fund  meet  us  in  the  same  spirit,  and  rectify  the 
mistake  they  have  made ;  for  is  it  n()t  a  mistate,  wc  ask,  to  bestow 
money  upon  a  monument,  when  living  obirct*  art;  in  want  of  itp 
Now,  it  is  notoriously  a  fact.,  thnt  the  Drury  Lane  Thcjitricui  Fund  is  a 
struggling  fund.  The  Theatre  is  closed.  It  has  not  hnd  a  complete  .vason 
forsevenu  ye^rs,  which  prevents  the  fund  gaining  unv  new  subscribers, 
whilst  tbe  clnimanU  upou  the  clunty  remain  hist  the  same;  and  the 
chances  arc,  timt  they  increase  every  year.  Thus,  with  a  diniinishing 
income,  and  iucrcasiiug  claims  upou  it,  the  Drury  Lane  Theatrical  t\ina 
is  in  want  of  every  little  fraction  of  support  which  those  mterested  in 
its  continuance  can  give  it. 

The  Committee  must  know  this,  and  wc  do  hope  tlrnt.  upon  second 
thoughts,  they  will  withdraw  their  subscription  from  a  monnmeut, 
which  does  not  renuiro  it.  and  give  it  to  human  beings  who  really  are  in 
want  of  it.  Let  them  forego  the  Utile  pleasure  of  seeiug  their  names 
engraved  upon  the  pcdcst&l  of  a  statue  erected  to  a  royal  personage, 
and  devote  their  money  to  a  good  act  of  charity,  snch  as  the  **  Good 
Duke  *'  himself,  if  he  were  alive,  could  not  fail  to  Approve  of.  If  tlutt 
was  all,  the  Committee  might  send  it  in  the  Duke's  name.  His  sub* 
acription,  of  course,  has  ceased,  but  how  pleasant  it  would  be  to  hear 
Ma.  Haulet  read  out,  at  the  next  meeting,  amongst  the  list  of  donations, 
an  item  like  the  following  :— 

'•  The  aistiM  afthe  Good  Puke  ofCftmbrldKe  CtO  t(W." 


LIGHTS  AND  SHADES  oy  SCOTTISH  JOURNALISM. 

Thi  EJinburoh  JrlvertUer^  the  other  day,  iu  allusion  to  the  Queen's 
expected  arrival  in  Edinburgh,  said  that — 

"  Tlw  SI magvuivntt  Ibr  Hvft  Uajihtt's  nraptloa  tt  BolTTood,  on  Thantef  wtiv 
lag,  an  lOAktuf  nBtiahteiOTj  pragrwa." 

One  would  suppose  that  the  arrangements,  the  projrrcss  of  wWch  was 
satisfactory  to  our  Northern  contemporary,  consisted  in  the  layiofir  dowa 
of  carpets  airing  of  rooms  and  beds,  and  such  like  proTisiousTor  tbe 
Sovereign  a  cooiiort.    But  the  Caledonian  journalist  proceeds  : — 


Id  iddltiQa  to  th«  otbar  pr«(>uatlau,  ve  ballvva  U  luj  baea  proposed  to  Ufbt 

it  Whleb  iriU  lUumlae  tha  n 
country,  and  bava  altogather  a  vary  atnUag  aflWet." 


langa  boDllre  on  th«  B<iraailt  of  Artbni'a  8«aL  whleb  irlU  lUumlaa  ^anrroaDdlng 


The  circumsLanoe  of  a  6re  being  lighted  in  the  royal  u)artment,  whioh 
would  warm  the  surronnding  atmosphere,  and  have  altogether  a  very 
pleasant  effect,  must  of  course  be  gratif}iug  to  the  loyal  subj>*ct  to 
reflect  upon.  But  what  satisfaction  can  be  derived  from  a  bonnre  on 
Arthur's  Seat,  considered  in  any  conceivable  relation  to  adult  and 
reasonable  MsijestyP  The  £/i«^Kr^^  ^(/r«r/M^r  is  very  easily  pleased, 
in  the  next  statement  it  is  difficult  to  say  which  is  the  more  wonderful. 
the  delight  expressed,  or  the  fact  recorded  .— 

"  We  arp  happr  to  hear  that  tha  anbaoripttoD  «et  oa  Awt  to  dafraj  tbe  axpaoM  bu 
mot  wlU)  Kr««t  Kucevai." 

This  in  Edinburgh— the  capital  of  Scotland !  A  subscription  in- 
tendrd  to  be  burnt  up  in  a  bonure  has  met  with  great  success  among 
Scotchmen,  and  a  Scotch  uewspaper  rejoioea  at  the  waste  of  capitaL 
Perhaps  the  subscribers  fried  their  watches  in  their  txiuflre. 

Furthermore,  says  the  Advertiser  of  Auld  lieekie  : — 

"  It  Ii  al»v  propoaed,  ve  believe,  to  lltumlnato  $L  Anrhonj'a  Cbapa),  mod  other  parta 
of  BalLxburv  Cruf,  with  tbe  '  Dnunmood  LLfbt;'  and  otbar  pTrutaehnle  dlaplay*  ara 

•pnkea  at  Kt  the  oecaalon." 

Really  this  is  the  Scottish  prodigal  burning  lus  candle  at  both  ends. 
So  much  for  the  joy  of  the  Edinbnrffh  Aetperiiset—tioyr  for  the 
sorrow  : — 

"  We  n^ffret.  boworer.  to  imd«nfaad  Ibat  tlw  aatboriUta  bars  bHo  obUcad  lo  fire 
ap  pan  of  their  design  with  th4  vartvyatad  lampa." 

Uegret — authorities — their  dtaiyn  with  the  variegated  lamps  1  Whit 
is  all  this  about  ?  Scotland  or  Chuia — bailliea  or  mwidarins — ^tlw  Bifik* 
A<riyA  Adtfertifer  or  the  Pekin  Ko-too  ? 

The  grief  and  gladness  expressed  in  the  foregoing  cxfn 
possibly  be  arcounled  fur  by  the  supposition  of  a  tender  solf 
the  part  of  the  wrilcr  for  the  diversion  of  the  youugcr  bramn'  ,:■  -A  viit 
Royal  Family.  Acc()r(ling  to  Fbreoology— is  if.  not  so,  Mh,  Combe? — 
this  would  iniply  excessive  philopragfuitit'eness  and  prodigious  vene- 
ration, with  a  developmeut  of  tbe  organs  of  the  intellect— about  which 
the  leaa  said  the  better. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


Ladies  can,  we  know,  sometimes  ^o  to  very  preat  lengths  in  dress  ;  but  the  gowTi  has  lately  got  to 
BDch  a  pitch,  and  so  much  latitude  is  taken  in  the  way  of  longitude,  that  there  is  no  knowing  where 
it  will  end.  We  have  found,  occasionally,  very  great  inconvenience  in  our  walks,  by  following,  as  ei- 
cursionista,  such  a  train  as  that  which  female  fashion  seems  to  entail  on  all  its  votaries.  It  says  as 
little  for  the  ankles  as  it  docs  for  the  understandings  of  the  fair  sci  of  the  present  day.  tliat  they  are 
compelled  to  liidc  their  bad  feet  by  at  least  one  yard  of  superfluous  drapery.  In  aadiiiou  to  the 
untidy  and  unsightly  character  of  the  proceeding,  the  dust  raised  is  so  great  a  nuisance,  that  every  lady 
appearing  in  the  costume  of  the  period  ought  to  be  compelled  to  have  a  page  in  attendance,  with  a 
watering-pot,  wherever  she  goes. 


A  EEGULIB.  CRAAOIER. 

A  BECEVT  advertisemeat  in  the 
7Vm«  commenced  as  foUowa . — 

"  A  Ladt  of  tba  hig\t»t  ftiali/leaHoma  li  d»> 
■Innu  of  ft  bed-rootu  ud  dlniwr." 

We  presume  the  "  highest  quaU6ca- 
tions  "  must  be  construed  as  applying 
to  the  "dinner,"  and  we  may  mfer 
therefore  that  the  *'  lady  "  is  blest  with 
an  awful  appetite.  Taking  this  into 
consideration,  we  suspect  that  the 
advertiser  will  meet  with  very  few 
who  would  not  prefer  her  room — that 
is  to  say,  the  bed-room  she  is  in  want 
of— to  licr  company.  One  might  as 
well  admit  a  young  wolf  into  one's 
family  as  a  lady  "desirous  of  a 
dinner."  osd  posacssing  the  "  higheat 
oualiGcations ''  with  regard  to  it. 
When  poor  little  Cctfet,  the  Chartist 
captive,  was  asked  how  be  liked  the 
prison  fare,  be  candidly  declared  his 
ability  to  "dispose  of  more;'*  bnt  the 
avowftl  of  the  advertising  ladr  is  still 
more  to  the  point,  and  if  we  let  lodg- 
ings, we  should  differ  from  OtMlo  m 
thinking  it  a  hardship  to  be  able  to 
"  call  such  delicate  creatures  ours,  but 
not  Ihcir  appetites.'* 


Shall  England  Swallow  th« 

LeekP 

An  attempt  is  being  made  ^  S^t  up 
a  sort  of  pohtical  exoiunneut  in  Wales, 
in  favour  of  the  Welsh  language ;  and 
Ap  SoiczBODT,  whose  name  begina 
with  half-a-dosen  gutturals,  supported 
in  the  centre  by  three  or  four  W\ 
and  ending  wit  h  a  rush  of  labials,  wanta 
to  know,  m  reference  to  the  aaoptton 
of  plain  English  in  Wales,  "whether 
the  WeUb  tongue  is  to  be  torn  out 
by  the  roots."  We  have  no  wish  for 
such  an  act  of  violence ;  but,  all  we 
have  to  say  is,  that  the  Welsh  tongue 
does  not  at  all  suit  the  English  palate. 


« 


N 


A. 


\ 


TWO  EXIUBITIONS  IN  ONE  AND  IN  1851. 

We   find  from  the  papers  that  the 

authorities,  fearing  there  will  not  be 

fiufficient  life  ana  bustle  in   Hyde 

Park  at  the  Exhibition  of  IS51,  have 

made  arrangements  for  permittiiig 

the  cMlle  shows  of  tlic  Agricultural 

Society  of  England  to  be  held  in  the 

Munc    place,  at    the    same   period. 

That  tlie  crowds,  visiting  tlie  ob- 

V^  ♦j^       jecta  of  industry  on  one  side  of  the 

Park,  may  not  be  tempted  to  get 

away  on  the  other,  the  north-western 

angle  is  to  be  devoted  to  the  oot- 

-^  -        /^i^^^^p»~     lection  of  mountainous  beeves,  mon- 

^M)  /J'      '*^'  ster  mutton,  and  pork  in  the  last 

stiue  of  pinguidity.  The  public  will. 
in  fact,  be  placed  in  a  sort  of  eui-desM  bv  this  arrangement,  and 
the  Park,  necessarily  invaded  on  one  side  for  the  industry  of  all  nations. 
^1^  be  unnecessarily  invaded  on  the  other  side  for  the  fai  of  all  England 
to  stand  Bimmering  in  the  summer  sun,  and  effect  a  blockade  of  the 
pobho  pleaaure-ground  on  the  side  of  Bayswater.  The  introduction  of  a 
cattle  uiow  into  the  already  curtailed  space  of  Hyde  Park,  is  what  may 
be  justly  termed  "goiup  the  entire  animal."  It  may,  perhaps,  be 
thought  a  pieoe  of  fanciful  hospitality  towards  the  foreigners  who  will 
Tisit  the  Exhibition  of  1851,  to  introduce  them  at  once  to  the  fat  of  the 
land,  though  it  will  l)e,  after  all,  but  a  Barmecide  feast,  for  they  will 
only  be  enabled  to  carry  away  as  much  of  it  as  "  they  can  put  in  their 
eye,  and  sec  none  the  worse  for."  The  site  Bclcctcd  for  the  exhibition 
01  monsters,  to  be  seen,  as  the  showmen  say,  "Alive !  Alive !  "  is  appro- 

Sriately  enough  called  the  "  Battery"  for  assault  and  battery  will,  no 
oubt,  frequently  mark  the  soene,  where  crowd  will  necessarily  meet 


crowd,  and  the  tug,  if  not  of  war,  of  coat  tails,  pocket-handkerchiefs. 
and  purses,  will  be  of  daily  and  hourly  occurrence.  As  to  the  poor  oUl 
Parka,  they  seem  to  be  marked  out,  not  only  for  the  devastating  pick- 
axe and  nithlcss  spade,  but — severest  dig  of  all— for  the  hoof  of  the 
fat-boimd,  suetslruck  cattle.  Can  we  wonder  that  tlic  lungs  of  London 
should  be  iuUamed  at  being  thus  trampled  upon?  Alas,  we  must  soon 
expect  to  see  our  Parks  deprived  of  every  turf  for  the  innocent  lark,  or 
playful  gambol,  and  the  green  sward  without  a  single  blade  to  fight  its 
own  battles. 


The  Summit  of  his  Ambition. 

LoDis  Napoleon  is  busy  practising  in  climbing  a  Mtfi  de  Coeopm. 
The  hoop  on  the  sumntit  Ls  festooned  with  legs  and  shoulders  of  nam 
and  large  joints  of  cold  veal,  and  embellished  with  a  beantiful  parland 
of  bottles  of  Chompa^e.    The  whole  is  surmounted  with  a  gUttcrinir 

Erize  of  the  Imperial  Diadem.  Louis  Napoleon  practises  seTcral 
ours  a  day  in  climbing  this  (^asy  ]x>le,  which  is  stationed  for  his 
especial  study  in  one  of  tlie  inner  Courts  of  tlic  Elys^e,  but  he  begins  to 
lind  "  how  hard  it  is  to  climb.'*  and  that  he  makes  but  little  war  with 
all  liis  violent  att^^mpts  at  progress.  He  still  clings  to  the  au^peiT 
hope,  however,  of  being  able,  by  the  time  the  next  Election  for  Presioent 
comes  on,  to  get  to  the  top  of  the  Pohs  I 


Strange,  but  True. 

We  have  been  told— for  really  our  ignorance  of  Debrett's  Pe^ragt 
almost  amounts  to  an  insult  to  the  House  of  Lords— that  the  Enf^iah 
title  of  the  Dt'KE  op  Atholl  is  "  Lokb  Strange."  This  is,  to  saT 
the  least,  very  strange  ;  but,  at  all  events,  no  one  can  call  the  Ubenu- 
minded  Duke — considering  the  habit  he  has  of  blocking  up  public 
thoroughfares,  and  olosing  eTerything — "Lo&d  Jfawng  Stsllxoe  ' 


J 


ST.  JAMES  TURNING  ST.  GILES  OUT  OF  HIS  PARKS 

Dedicated  to  t/w  Commissioners  of  Woods  and  Forests 


f 


JPUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAM. 


169 


W 


THE  BRITISH  FOUNTAIN-BUILDER  TO  THE  WOODS 

AND  FORESTS. 

OMB  vUI  level  you  a  mounliiin, 

Some  will  dmin  yoa  dry  a  sea, 
But  1  '11  Imild  you  ftfk  a  fountain. 

If  you  '11  truil  the  job  to  juc ! 
1  'II  afuaxe  the  little  lishes. 

All  of  silver  and  of  gold, 
With  a  tiling  that  plates  and  disliCK 

Shall  appear  de.sigiied  to  hold. 

^roin  its  apex,  this  dumb-waiter 

Shall  a  jet  of  water  spurt 
Of  a  volume  rather  greater 
Than  the  strcaralet  from  a  Siiuirt : 
Or.  OS  if  ill  piteous  trouble. 

Shed  the  alow  and  silent  tear ; 
Or  perhaps  as  btiskly  bubble 
AS  a  glass  of  gingcr-becr. 

I  liave  oidy  one  petition, 

That  my  model  and  design 
In  the  monster  Exposition 

May  appear  next  year  as  mine ; 
That  the  trnv'ller  over  mountain. 

And  the  pilgrim  over  sea. 
May  admire  the  British  Fouofain, 

As  devised,  devised  by  me. 


"VERY  SORRY,  BUT  WE  HAVE  NO  ROOM." 

Wb  do  not  know  whether  any  patents  have  been  taken  out  in 
England  for  balloons,  but  in  France  all  the  utcant  arc  busy  constructing 
and  improving  that  fugitive  department  of  science.  It  strikes  us  that 
there  must  be  some  higher  motive  for  this  industir  than  merely 
navigating  the  air,  and  we  at  ohm^  jump  to  the  poncfnsion  that  this 
sudden  activity  among«t  our  fiighty  neighbours  mu&t  he  owing  to  a 
desire  to  send  over  a  priw  balloon  to  the  Great  Exhibition  of  1851. 
Depend  upon  it,  this  is  the  intention  of  MessKs.  A.ka(>o  and  Bixio, 
ana  the  only  question  is,  whether  arrangements  have  been  made  to  do 
ample  justice  to  their  idea.  Have  any  demands  been  made  for  sufficient 
space  to  accommodate  bulky  articles  of  the  sir^  of  a  balloon  ?  and 
again,  what  comer  of  the  Exhibition  has  been  put  aside  for  their 
reception? 

We  have  our  misgivings  about  the  policy  of  admitting  them  ai 
all.  for  supposing  a  balloon  was  to  break  loose  from  its  bearings,  only 
consider  tiie  havoc  it  would  produce  amongst  the  f;)a«s  and  crockery 
before  it  could  be  caught  again !  It  would  be  inHmtely  wor^e  than  a 
bttll  in  a  cliina  shop,  'i'hen  there  is  a  great  doubt  whether  the  runaway 
balloon  would  be  caught  at  all.  Is  it  not  more  probable  that,  after 
taking  a  large  sweep  of  the  int<!nor,  it  might  take  a  fancy  to  sec  what 
the  exterior  was  like.  and.  rising  with  the  thought,  poke  its  head 
through  the  glass  roof,  ana  admiring  the  airy  prospect  of  the  Park, 
drag  its  beavr  bodv  through  the  big  nole  it  baa  made,  and  disappear 
from  sight  altopUicr,  Such  a  freak  is  not  in  the  least  improbable, 
and  we  hope  toe  Commitlce,  if  thev  have  resolved  upon  admitting 
balloons,  wul  not  allow  Ihcmselvea  to  he  carried  away  with  tlie  largeness 
of  the  notion,  but  consider  a  few  of  the  inconveniences  such  an 
awkward  admi&sion  is  likely  to  bring  down  upon  their,  as  well  as  other 
people's,  heads.  We  have  seen  the  plan  of  one  of  M.  Bixio'8ne>v 
mveutions,  and  it  is  a  large  bunch  of  balloons  tied  together,  like  a  stick 
of  cherries.  We  are  sure  thnt  with  one  or  two  little  articles  Uke  that, 
tlie  Exhibition  will  have  room  for  nothing  else,  and  if  all  the  balloons 
should  happen  to  combine  and  rise  to(^ther.  the  building  can  never 
stand  against  the  outbreak,  and  must  infallioly  be  carried  up  to  the 
clouds,  which  would  be  a  pretty  break  up  for  the  "Congress  of  the 
World."  We  would  recommend,  if  a  balloon  knocks  at  the  Exhi- 
bition for  admission,  that  the  door-keeper  be  instructed  to  sny,  m^  a 
fashionable  hotel-keeper  says  in  the  busy  sea!>ou,  whpu  he  di^es  not  Uke 
the  appearance  of  his  costomer.  "  Very  sorry,  Sir  but  we  are  quite  full ; 
«e  cannot  take  yoa  in,  yon  bad  better  try  somewhere  else  !  " 

At  all  events,  if  balloons  are  indispensably  necessary  for  the  advancc- 
inent  of  science,  let  there  be  a  separate  buuding,  of  cast-iron,  for  their 
reception,  and  let  it  have  a  praotioable  roof,  so  that  the  young  charts 
tnay  1)C  taken  out  oocasiomuly  for  an  airing,  and  have  a  little  exercise 
in  their  "  native  element."  It  will  be  a  cunous  si^ht  to  see  a  covey  of 
balloons  all  springing  into  the  air  at  the  same  time.  But  if  sU  the 
balloons  now  hatching  in  Paris  and  London  only  take  wing  next  year, 
we  should  recommend  the  householders  of  our  smoky  metropolis  to 
look  to  their  Tooh.  llie  mortality  amongst  the  chimney-pots  will  be 
something  dreadful  t 


ASSURANCE  AGAINST  RAILWAY  ACCIDENTS. 

We  believe  it  b  generally  known — for  the  comfortable  intelligence  is 
pkcardedat  nearly  everjtenninus  and  stetion— that  a  passenger  losing  life 
or  limb  on  a  Railway  can,  if  he  goes  on  hisjoumcy  witii  the  agreeable  sen- 
sation that  life  and  limb  are  in  jeopardy,  effect  an  assurance  before  starting 
that  will  give  him  pecuniary  damages  for  any  personal  damage  that 
may  bo  done  to  him.  There  is,  in  Tact-,  a  KHilway  Accident  Assurance 
Company,  wliich  nublishes,  from  time  to  time,  a  list  of  its  bonuses  on 
broken  bones,  ana  tries  to  tempt  the  public,  by  showing  how  "a  gentle- 
man shaken  was  awarded  six  pounds  — no  great  shakes,  by  the  oy— in 
the  way  of  compensation ;  and  how  another  gentleman,  wno  rcoeived 
his  mother-in-law  unexpectedly  and  forcibly  ou  the  |K>iut  of  his  nose, 
was  adjudged  one  pound  for  tlie  disagrceiible  proximity.  Now,  there 
is  scarcely  a  married  man  who  would  consent  to  receive  a  mother-in-law 
so  completely  eA^  lui  on  these  moderate  terms ;  and  one  pound  seems 
a  very  poor  equivalent  for  rendering  still  closer  a  somewhat  disagreeably 
olose  mationsnip.  A  wife's  mother  Ls  not  always  the  most  aesimble 
penon  to  be  brought  literally  face  to  faoe  with  by  a  railway  collision, 
for  there  are  in  most  families  enough  of  domestic  collisions  to  render 
this  sort  of  contact  quite  suiKrlluous. 

We  rather  think  that  the  scale  of  allowances  for  railway  casualties 
rerpiire  regalntion,  though  wc  admit  the  difllcutty  of  finding  any  fixed 
pnnciple  to  go  upon.  The  Itnilway  Accident  Assurance  Company  will 
undertake  to  |>ay  as  imich  as  fi'i.OOO  for  the  loss  of  a  life  nud  vrill  give 
a  "proportionate  compensation"  for  any  other  injury;  but  we  do  not 
see  now  the  price  of  tne  life  will  enable  us  to  get  at  the  value  of  a  leg, 
an  arm,  or  any  other  portion  of  the  body. 

We  cannot  maiuwe  tlie  matter  by  a  rule  of  three  sum ;  for  if  wc 
state  the  question  tlius — If  a  life  costs  £3,000,  what  will  a  leg  come 
top  wc  find  ourselves  in  the  old  red-herrinf^  and  sack  of  coaJs  fix, 
which  leads  us  to  nothing  salisfactorv.  Besides,  legs  varr  in  value 
according  to  circumstances ;  and  the  loss  of  a  leg  to  a  *'Tast"  man, 
would  perhaps  deprive  him  of  something  more  valuable  to  him  than 
even  his  head ;  while  the  loss  of  a  nose  to  a  person  always  poking  into 
his  neighbour's  affairs  would  deserve  much  less  compensation  than  the 
loss  of  a  probosci.<)  confined  to  its  legitimate  purposes.  There  is  one 
thing,  however,  that  it  would  be  utterly  impossible  to  estimate  by  any 
rule,  mathen^atical,  philosophical,  or  otherwise — we  allude  to  a  woman's 
tongue,  which,  if  it  shoulu  happen  to  be  lost  in  a  nulway  accident, 
might  ben  C4damity  uttcrlv  irreparable  to  the  owner,  but  a  real  blessing 
to  all  her  frienda  and  neiglibours. 


"BIRNAM  WOOD  REMOVES  TO  DUN8INANE." 

Wb  have  seen  an  article  in  Iho  Mnrnina  Post,  headed  "  Visit  of  the 
Admiralty  to  the  Britiumia  Bridge."  This,  we  presume,  is  only  a 
prelude  to  a  regular  exchange  of  cords  and  calls  oetwecn  the  puHic 
ediiiees  of  this  ooontry,  and  that  their  movements  wQl  be  chronicled 
with  the  same  exactitude  that  the  actions  of  Royal  personages  are 
noted  down.  Wc  expect  soon  to  sec  announced  in  the  columns  of  our 
contcmponuT,  that  "  the  Mansion  House  transacted  business  with  the 
Colouial  Office  yesterday,"  or  that  "Stafford  House  gave  a  grand 
entertainment  in  honour  of  the  first  appearance  of  Bridgewater  House." 
and  that  Buckingham  Palace  had  "  condescended  to  be  a  partaker  of 
the  festivities.  St.  Clement  Danes,  Guy's  Hospital,  Temple  Bar.  Mil- 
bank  Penitentiary,  Westminster  A b be v,  Horse  Guards,  Keform  Club, 
Waterloo  Bridge,  the  Thames  Tunnel,  Devonshire  House,  and  the 
Bank  being  present  to  meet  the  illustrious  guest;  the  Royal  Exchange, 
St.  Panl's,  and  other  noble  edifices,  having  been  unable  to  accept  tke 
noble  host's  invitations  to  celebrate  the  occasion." 

Who  knows  how  far  these  erratic  propensities  may  be  earned. 
Foreign  structureS(  pcrhiqw,  will  be  on  the  move.  The  Invalides 
for  health's  sake,  will  be  pajmg  a  visit  to  the  Cathedral  at  Mdan,  ana 
the  Campanile  at  Venice;  and  the  Tuileries  will  be  taking  advantage 
of  M&.  Crisp  and  cheap  excursion  trains  to  run  over  to  London  for  a 
week ;  King  Leopold's  Palace  of  I^ckcn,  or,  as  it  should  he  called. 
Larkin',  will  come  to  this  country,  to  luive  a  spree  with  the  Duke  of 
York's  Column;  and  the  monument  in  the  Place  VenHSme  will  slay 
with  Apsley  House,  to  have  a  good  view  of  the  Exhibition  of  1851. 
Nay,  a  paragraph  may  appear  to  the  following  effect :— "  The  Taj  of 
Agra  has  arnved  at  Southampton,  ou  a  visit  to  Wbdsor  Castle, 
Hol^Tood,  and  the  principal  scats  of  the  Empire.  The  Tig  is  accom- 
panied bv  the  Mosque  of  Omar  and  other  distmguished  foreigners,  and 
IS  attended  by  the  Leaning  Tower  of  Pisa,  in  the  ct^mci^  of 
interpreter." 

Let  us  hope  that  humbler  buildings  will  have  the  same  privilege; 
and  that  it  may  be  a  common  thing,  too  usual  to  be  pubUcly  noticed, 
that  the  gaols  of  England  will  give  place  for  schools,  and  its  work- 
houses make  intimate  scqaainlttioe  wiUi  bakers'  bhops. 


"  Prat,  atter  tou,**  as  the  Ghiss  of  Water  said  to  the.  P^SL 


ifo 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHAMVAKL 


Old  Ladf*  « Mow,  Aktbub,  which  will  tou  hatx  I 

PUDDINOf  OB  lOHK  JaH   TaAt!** 

/wvemle.  **  No  Fastrt,  thank-tb,  Ackt.     It  spoils 

SOR*T     MIMO     A     DXTILLED    BiSCDIT,    THO\ 

{Old  Lady  tum$  all  tnanner  of  colour*,) 


That  sauce,  vhioh  hj  cooks  is  ocosidered  sniUUfl  to  the  gander, 

is  li]cewis0  deemed  applicable  to  the  female  biid ; — don'f  let  os 
cry  out  against  Popish  biKotr;|r,  when  we  hare  among  onxaelTet 
such  a  comfortable  Established  intoleranoe. 

Talk  about  toleration!  How  earn  honest  people  be  tolmntf 
How  can  Doctor  Philpotts  be  tolerant  of  Gokhah  f  or  Fazhib 
Ignathis  of  DocTOK  PhilfottsP  Each  holds  opinions  iHoeL 
according  to  his  view,  most  send  the  other  to  the  deuce :  eao& 
teacher  mnst  bring  up  his  Tonng  men  in  his  own  manner.  Whj. 
there  are  hundreds  of  honest  English  clergymen  now,  who  will  aos 
accept  a  penny  from  the  Government  for  their  schools,  becann 
GoTemment  desires  to  educate  Catholics,  Protestants,  Dissenten^ 
alike.  Tliese  reverend  gentlemen  are  not  a  whit  more  or  leM 
honest  or  intolerant  than  the  pontiffs  at  Thuries ;  and  are  ve^ 
forsooth,  to  CT7  out  against  the  latter  only  P 

It  is  a  maxim  (we  have  their  own  word  for  it)  that  all  edoeatioB 
ought  to  be  under  the  control  of  the  priests. 

Therefore,  as  they  are  always  comminating  each  other  (from  the 
purest  motives  of  course),  and  Go&hax  mffcrs  dreadfully  from 
Philpotts  :  and  Phu.pott8  differs  Cstally  from  Fathek  Bask- 
LEGS:  and  the  Reverend  Obadiah  differs  from  all  three:  and 
as  each  has  the  clear  right  of  educating  his  people,  it  is  clear  that 
there  should  be  a  university  for  each  sect. 

So  what  a  nice  countrv  ours  will  be  to  live  in,  if  the  people 
will  but  be  obedient,  and  let  the  clem  have  their  way !  How 
we  will  hate  each  otaer !  How  we  wiU  avoid  each  other !  How, 
each  side  putting  implicit  trust  in  its  black-coated  general,  vre 
will  fight,  and  abuse,  and  oppress  each  other ! 

And  what  will  become  of  ^pooT  Punch  then?    They  will  take 

Some  op  this  nice  down  his  booth,  and  gag  him,  and  shut  the  poor  old  miscreant  up 

in  his  box.    But  the  world  has  not  come  to  that  yet,  thongfa  their 

one's  Wire  so.    I ,  Reverences  are  trying  their  best. 

BT     AMD     BT,  WITH     HT     ClABBT.' 


MELANCHOLY  MUSINGS. 

(Being  Mr.  Punch* $  Subscription  to  the  proposed  nete  Irish  ColUges.) 

If  Education  were  beef,  and  Paddy  were  invited  to  partake  of  a  bellyful 
alongside  of  Jack,  his  neighbour,  would  he  not  be  very  ttiankfol  to 
Father  M'Haia  who  should  come  and  say  to  him,  "Get  out  of  that, 
Paddy,  my  son;  that  beef  is  cursed  Protestant  beef,  and  will  be  the  death 
of  you  if  you  touch  it.  Give  me  half-a-crown,  and  try  this  good  wholesome 
potato?" 

The  Thurles  prebtes  are  warning  Paddy  off  from  the  Government  pro- 
Tisions  in  this  way,  and  inviting  him  to  pay  for,  and  feed  upon,  some 
potatoes  which  are  not  only  not  grown  yet,  but  for  which  Father  Mac  has 
neither  bought  the  seed  nor  got  the  land. 

Having  cursed  the  Irish  Catholic  gentry  and  middle  classes  out  of  the 
Colleges,  their  Right  Reverences  should  curse  the  poor  children  out  of  the 
National  Schools  and  send  them  back  to  the  old  seminaries  under  the  hedges. 

The  best  place  for  the  new  Irish  University  would  be  the  centre  of 
GonnemanL  where  nobody  lives,  and,  by  consequence,  no  Protestants  are 
to  be  found. 

The  Irish  University  is  called  Catholic,  because  Catholic  means  universal, 
and  the  universal  university  is  to  be  founded  on  strictly  exclusive  prin- 
ciples. 

In  fact,  if  it  were  Oxford  and  Cambridge  itself,  it  could  not  be  more 
intolerant :  and  if  the  Bishops  of  Thurles  were  so  many  orthodox  British 
Biswigs  they  could  not  act  more  logically,  nor  would  they,  very  likely,  speak 
differently. 

The  outcry  about  the  Godless  Colleges  is  only  an  imitation  of  the  cry 
raised  against  the  London  University  College  (when  found«l  by  the  late  Mb. 
Brouohah  and  others)^  which  was  accusea  of  teaching  atheistical  sureery, 
heretical  chemistrv,  liU.itudinarian  Latin  and  Greek,  and  was  gracefully  deno- 
minated Stinkomalee. 

Tht  Catholic  Bishops  have  as  good  a  right  to  make  their  students  conform, 
at  wo  have  to  make  our  young  men  swear  to  the  Thirty-nine  Articles.  If  a 
Unitarian  refuses  to  recite  the  Athanasian  creed,  or  a  Quaker  to  wear  a 
■nridioe.  nobody  forces  them.  They  must  go  and  learn  elsewhere  than  at 
Cambridge  and  Oxford.  If  a  Catholic  caimot  take  a  degree  at  either  of 
those  schools,  why  should  he  not  have  a  University  for  himself? 

?%at  wicked  Times  newsp^ier  proposes  that  the  Irish  Catholics  should 
hurt  "  Halls"  adjacent  to  the  present  existing  Colleges,  and  march  to  lecture 
under  command  of  a  spiritual  sergeant,  as  soldiers  march  to  church.  But 
what,  on  the  other  hand,  would  they  say  at  Eton  at  the  idea  of  a  Roman 
Catholio  boarding-house  ?  Would  not  her  hundreds  of  little  Protestants  be 
hurried  away?  I  should  like  to  know  if  the  Dean  of  Christchurch  or  the 
Master  of  Trinity  would  raoeive  a  8i|uad  of  Roman  Catholic  genUemen,  or 
a  body  of  Unitarians  or  Baptists  into  their  tutors'  lecture-rooms?— and 
would  welcome  Fathkr  Nswiluh  or  Mr.  Paut  walking  ia  at  the  head 
of  their  young  men? 


Bow  to  Biae  in  France. 


The  way  to  rise  in  France  is  to  take  vour  stand,  eariy  in  life^ 
on  an  inkstand.  The  shortest  cut  to  the  Chamber  is  through 
as  edito'.'s  room.  To  become  a  leader,  you  must  have  been  in  toe 
habit  of  tossing  off  one  every  day,  in  some  newspi^r  or  other. 
The  best  plan  of  gaining  a  portfolio  is  to  prove  yon  are  possessed 
of  a  pen ;  and,  the  ponfoho  once  gained,  it  depends  upon  the 
power  of  your  pen  how  long  you  can  keep  it.  Evei;y  Frenchman, 
as  soon  as  he  has  learnt  to  wnte,  carries  a  portfolio  in  hia  head. 


OFFICIAL  LOVE  OP  MISCHIEF. 


We  all  know  that  the  Ornamental  Water  in  St.  James's  Park  is 
not  useful  for  much,  but  if  the  Woods  and  Forests  ate  allowed  to 
play  all  sorts  of  tricks  with  it,  the  water  in  question  will  aoon  be 
neither  useful  nor  ornamental. 


Tit  President  for  such  a  Societar. 

The  Mansfield  Poachers  have  been  subjected  to  so  many  fioes^ 
that  they  have  instituted  a  Protection  Society  amongst  themselves. 
We  recommend  that  stanch  Protectionist  and  Poacher,  who  has 
lately  distinguished  himself  by  fishing  in  troubled  waters  in  the 
river  Eamont,  to  be  their  Standing  Counsel  and  Chairman.  For 
further  information,  we  refer  them  to  LoBD  Brouoham. 


KG  XHOKOUOHFAEE. 


'  A  Court  is  generally  a  cul-de-sac.  This  is  why  we  call  Ohaooety 
a  Court ;  because  when  a  person  once  gets  mto  the  Court  oif 
Chancery,  he  never  can  find  his  way  out  oi  it. 


Loud  Cries  of  "  Kame. 


The  French  Government  seems  to  be  sadly  bothered  ainoe  the 
signing  of  articles  has  been  made  a  sine  qua  nou  with  the  writen 
for  the  French  newsM^rs.  Some  journalists  try  to  evade  the 
responsibility,  by  putting  asterisks,  or  drawing  a  line  between  the 
separate  paragraphs  of  an  article;  but  tne law  adviaeis  tf  the 
Government,  when  appealed  to  on  the  subject,  are  quite  unable  to 
say  where  the  line  ougot  to  be  drawn. 


THE  LBADDIO  7BBHCB  ACTQB. 


A  KAK  oudit  to  be  a  good  actor  to  gorem  the.naDflh|ni 
some  say  tfa^  Louu  NAFOLsoir  plays  hia  part^  u  nmatm  m 
that  melodramatic  peoiJe,prett7  well  But,  m  hn  aelms  tomni 
the  Press,  he  ii  a  vast  deaTtoo  uberal  with  hia  "SH^"* 


THE  nSHMONGER-POFT. 

ATKLT,  the  Esliniongf.r-poet,  Tatlob,  who 
used  to  hanK  out  his  barp  and  his  live 
sole  St  LoinDard  Street,  has  removed  to 
Brighton,  /or  the  purpow,  probnbly,  of 
getting  his  fish  more  direct  from  the  sea, 
and  Itis  inspiration  more  iinmediately  from 
Nature.  He  is  in  more  dose  contact  than 
before  with  the  Muses,  as  well  as  the 
mockarel ;  for  tl»c  former  love  the  shore, 
as  the  Utter  luxuriate  in  the  deep,  on  the 
margin  of  whieh  the  fishmonger  poet  has 
located  himself.  It  i.i  to  be  regretted 
^  that  the  produclious  of  this  great  pisca- 
torial, as  well  as  poetical  mind,  should  be 
onfined  to  MS.,  and  that  we  liave  no  Tayujrjan  Collection,  par- 
tkmlarljr  now  that  the  crowded  haunt  of  I/>mbard  Street  has  been 
exchangrd  for  the  breezy  coast  of  Brighton,  where  the  buds  of 
poesy  will  bcoonic  full  blown  by  the  inngorating  wind,  which  does 
more  for  a  poet  than  the  utmost  ix)ssible  aniount  of  artificial  puJ^ng. 
The  little  incident  of  Ixmo  Broughaic  and  the  fish-pond  has  been 
tamed  to  account  by  the  fislmionger-poet,  who  lately  sang  as  follows : — 

By  Scotia's  river,  deep  and  slow. 

His  Lordship  walked  bv  night. 
Wailing  the  treacherous  nook  to  tlirow, 

At  which  the  fish  should  bite. 

But  sore  his  Lordship  might  liave  found 

Some  better  fish  to  fry : 
.  At  Tatlob's,  Brighton,  thev  abound. 
Come — all  the  world— ana  buy ! 

The  ialmon,  leading  up  with  glee, 

Caught  in  its  joyous  bound, 
At  Taylor's,  now,  may  purchased  be. 

For  fourteen -pence  a  pound. 

rhe  solemn  turbot,  on  its  wav. 

By  cunning  nct-work  caught. 
At  Tatlor's  Qsb-fihop,  Brighton,  may 

Be  reasonably  bought. 


ALAESfING  BALLOON  ACCIDENT. 

{From  onr  ova  Parit  CorrexponJ^t.) 

It  will  be  recollected  by  our  readers,  that  a  forinight  ago  M. 
PoiTEViN  made  a  balloou  accent  in  Paris  on  a  live  ostrich.  We  should 
not  repeat  this  stupid  incident,  only  it  was  connected  with  on  atarmiiiff 
accident,  which  proves  more  than  anything  else  the  danger  and  folly  oT 
faallooning. 

Fire  minutes  after  the  ascent,  a  Madake  Efdjard,  the  wife 
of  one  of  the  principal  bankers  of  Paris,  was  seen  coming  out  of  the 
Pfince  de  JVAwir/tf,  one  of  the  first  establishments  for  oonnets  and 
eachemirtt.  She  had  on  her  Lead  and  shoulders,  at  that  very  moment, 
%  handsome  new  bonnet,  and  a  magnincent  new  cackemire,  which  she 
bad  been  purchasing  for  50,000  francs,  the  fruits  of  a  ha{}py  speculation 
made  by  her  husband  on  tlic  Bourse,  and  presented  by  mm  to  hts  dear 
wife  as  a  birth-day  ofi'ering. 

She  bad  not  prooecded  fire  steps  towards  the  milk-white  columns  of 
the  Madeleine,  when  she  felt  a  heavy  blow  on  the  back  of  her  head, 
which  completely  took  away  her  senses,  and  sent  her  bonnet  flying 
under  the  wheels  of  a  passing  citadinc.  The  blow  was  so  strong,  that 
the  lady  had  onlv  sumcient  time  to  run  into  a  pastrycook's,  and  sit 
down  in  a  chair,  before  she  fainted.  Li  that  helpless  state  she  remained 
full  ten  minutes.  Wheu  she  was  sufiiciently  recovered  to  look  at  herself 
in  the  glass,  she  was  so  disfigured  that  she  coidd  not  have  been  recoe- 
uilod  by  her  bitterest  enemy.  Her  new  shawl  was  completely  spoileof ; 
ber  dress  was  rained  beyond  the  friendly  redemntion  or  either  cleaner 
or  dyer;  her  parasol  was  a  mehuieholy  ruin,  whilst  it  was  found  neces- 
Miy  to  sacrifice  her  gloves,  for  which  at  least  thirtv-two  sous  must  have 
been  given,  as  it  was  utterly  impossible  to  bathe  ner  hands  as  long  as 
■he  bad  them  on.  Survical  assistanec  was  sent  for,  and  the  suffering 
bKiy  removed  at  last,  after  several  hours  of  hysterical  fits,  pronounced 
peneotly  genuine  by  all  who  witnessed  them,  to  her  splendid  hotel  in 
ue  ChausMe  d'Antm. 

Public  surmise  is  at  a  loss  to  conjecture  tbo  origin  of  this  terrible 
aocident.  It  wu  supposed,  at  first,  that  some  malicious  hand  had  been 
at  work — but,  no  saon  thing !  It  was  the  result  of  the  most  capricious 
chance.  The  polioo  immediately  proceeded  to  the  spot,  and  soon 
collected  evidence  which  iostified  them  in  instantly  apprehending 
MoManini  Foitzvik  and  his  ostrich.    This  difiicult  feat  was  accom- 


plished the  following  day— when  the  intrepid  aeronaut  and  his  daring 
bird  had  to  pass  a  most  uncomfortable  night  in  prison,  some  flflccn 
Hems  from  Paris.  Tlie  criminals  were  locked  up  in  separate  ceUs,  so 
that  thev  might  not  be  able  to  communicate  together. 

They  liavc  since  been  eiamiued,  and  the  ongin  of  the  accident  has 
been  fully  explained.  At  the  time  that  the  lady  received  the  blow  on 
the  back  of  bcr  head,  M,  Poitevin  was  passing  over  that  very  portion 
of  the  Boulevards.  He  looked  down,  and  noticed  a  large  w-liite  sub- 
stance, not  unlike  an  immense  ball,  falling  to  tbe  earth.  It  fell  on  a 
lady's  nonnct,  but  he  could  notice  nothing  further,  for  the  balloon  shot 
into  the  air  immediately  afterwards  with  such  wonderful  rapidity,  that 
it  required  all  his  attention  to  attend  to  it. 

This  story  ajmea  with  the  version  of  the  police.  They  examined 
the  grotmd,  and  picked  up  innunicrablc  little  pieces  of  broken  shell, 
with  which  the  pavement  was  strewed.  These  were  produced  in 
Court,  and  they  left  no  doubt  upon  the  judge's  nr.ind  tlmt  the  .iccident 
had  been  caused  by  Art  Ostrich's  Ego!  It  was  a  mercy  that  this 
modem  instance  of  ostracism  had  not  resulted  in  death  ! 

M.  PoiTBVix  was  condemned  in  a  new  bonnet,  cochcmire,  and 
parasol,  of  an  equal  value  to  those  so  pitiably  destroyed,  and  in  10,U0U 
francs  for  damages  done  to  the  lady^a  nerves.  His  ostrich  was  likewise 
bound  over  to  Keep  the  peace  for  two  years.  This  will  put  a  stop  for 
the  present  to  any  more  Campa^/ui  d'AutrMche. 


PUNCH'S  RAILWAY  TRAVELLER. 

"Wa  have  received  the  following  from  our  Railway  Traveller,  for 
whom  we  were  about  to  issue  an  advertisement  oflfering  several 
thousand  pounds — the  amount  we  happened  to  luivc  louse  in  our  till— 
for  his  discovery. 

"Mb.Puhch, 

"  Sir, — You  will  liave  been  surprised  at  not  hearing  from  me, 
but  the  fact  is,  I  have  been  occupied  ever  since  I  last  wrote  in  trying 
to  discover  the  diiFerence  between  the  second  and  third-class  carriages 
— the  great  discrepancy  in  the  fares  raising  the  presumption  tlmt  the 
former  are  some  eieht^r  to  a  hundred  per  cent  superior  to  the  latter. 

"  The  uuiuitiatea  mi?ht  imagine  tnat  the  superiority  belongs  to  the 
class  for  which  the  luRiaest  price  is  paid,  but  lam  bound  to  say  that 
facts  lead  one  to  a  contrary  conclusion.  1  find.  Sir,  that  in  each  chiss 
of  carriages  there  is  a  hard  plank  to  sit  upon ;  but  iu  the  second  tlio 
pusengers  sit  so  completely  face  to  face,  and  have  so  little  space  for 
their  legs,  that,  unftble  to  stretch  out  their  coDtractcd  knees  they  sidTer 
what  may  \)v.  termed  i\\c  knee  plus  Hltra  of  uneuiDeas.  Wo  hear  a  great 
deal  about  Railway  Extension,  but  the  piece  of  Railway  Extension  tbat 
ought  to  be  first  carried  out,  is  an  eitensioa  of  the  space  allotted  to  the 
legs  of  the  second-class  passengers. 

"As  far  as  ventilation  is  concerned,  the  third-class  is  much  better  off 
than  the  second,  for  the  very  small  compartment  in  which  the  hahitn^M 
of  the  latter  are  boxed  up,  subjects  them  to  sulTocation  if  the  windows 
are  closed,  and  to  tlic  operation  of  liaviug  their  throats  cut  by  the 
sharpness  of  the  wind  if  the  windows  are  open.  In  the  third-class  the 
space  is  at  least  sufficient  to  admit  of  something  like  an  adaptation  of 
the  admission  of  air  to  the  convenience  of  the  travellers. 

"  It  beinp  quite  clear  that  in  point  of  comfort  and  convenience  the 
third-class  is  superior  to  the  second,  there  remains  the  question  why 
any  one  ia  found  to  pay  just  double  for  a  decidedly  inferior  article. 
Perhaps,  Sir,  it  may  be  (hat  the  company  is  more  select ;  but  now  that 
the  Railways  have  taken  to  the  practice  of  shuffling  their  pas-senijcrs 
all  together  like  a  pack  of  cards,  by  stuffing  third-cla^s  passengers  into 
first-cioss  carriages,  the  distinction  may  be  considered  to  be  at  an  end ; 
and  there  is  nositirely  nothing  to  be  gained,  even  in  the  'look  of  the 
thing,'  for  which  some  jMirsons  arc  fools  enough  to  pay  exorbitantly, 
bv  going  in  a  second  in  preference  to  a  third-class  on  a  milwoy. 
There  used  to  be  a  sort  of  aavanta^e  in  the  semi-civility  of  the  tune  in 
which  the  collector  asked  for  the  tickets  of  the  second-class ;  but  since 
the  railway  officials  have  been  curtailed  in  number,  and  cut  down  in 
salary,  they  have  sunk  into  a  state  of  suUen  barbarism  towards  all 
classes,  which  vents  itself  in  one  gruff  raonosylbbic  growl  of '  Tickets,* 
addressed  indiscriminately  to  all  the  passengers. 

"My  advice,  Sir.  is,  that,  until  the  directors  make  a  decided  differ- 
ence  in  the  quahty  of  the  accommodation,  the  public  refuse  to  pay  the 
double  price,  but  make  n  practice  of  avoiding  I  lie  inferior  second-class 
and  going  by  the  superior  thlrdclabs  carriages.  I  have  no  fear  that 
the  directors  will  use  my  hint  iu  order  to  moke  the  third  worse  than 
the  second,  for  that  is  happily  impossible. 

"  Youu  Railway  Toavslubr.*' 


Oourt  Cardai 

.  It  is  sometimes  (luestloned  whether  the  Ministers  know  snfliciently 
well  how  to  phiy  their  cards.  The  "improvements"  in  the  Porks, 
however,  must  convince  any  unprejudicca  mind  that  the  Woods  ana 
Forests,  at  any  rate,  are  HAOommonly  goodhBad&%lLCT&i(AaG!:. 


(Hd  Oent,  "Cori'ound  tiik  Bovs  akd  tdkib  Tops  I     Wrbsji  amthk 
Poucs  I " 


THE  COWTRY  IN  ALARM. 

As  every  newspaper  teems  with  letteni  and  advertisement  a  caJIing 
the  public  attention  to  the  unprotected  state  of  houses  iii  tlic  ooan'ry; 
to  the  audacity  of  burglan ;  and  the  means  of  protection  affainst  them ; 
such  as  gongs,  bells,  locks,  patent  albata  plate,  fire-arms,  and  other 
siftiiaU  and  wenpons ;  we  have  ventured  to  print  the  copy  of  a  letter 
which  lioa  been  despatched  to  his  amiable  lady  by  a  most  respect-nhle 
country  pentlcinau  now  in  town ;  and  which  contains  aa  account  of 
precautions,  which,  if  followed  at  the  present  alarmioe  crisis,  will  ke«p 
any  family  in  the  cotiatry  Bocure  from  depredators  and  burglars : — 

"  Mv  Drah  Bfrst, — A  parcel  will  be  sent  per  roiJway  and  left  ftt 
the  FuukiutfLon  Station,  for  which  you  will  please  to  senn,  not  any  of 
our  own  people  (for  1  do  not  wish  anybody  to  leave  our  premises  un- 
ueoessarily),  but  either  one  of  Bull's  the  fanner's  men  or  Cluhejeb's 
the  smith  s,  with  our  cart  and  horse,  as  the  parcel  is  heavy. 

'*  Do  not  let  caudles  «)me  uaneceesarily  ucar  it,  as  the  package  con- 
tains combnsublc  materials  which  might  blow  the  cart  up.  \ouliad 
best  open  the  parcel  iu  a  dry  cool  pjaoe^  alouc ;  and  put  tfic  packages 
marked  fireworks  into  one  of  the  bins  m  the  cranary,  kecpiuo:  the  key 
and  the  secret,  and  serving  out  the  articles  wlien  uccessary.  If  Ton 
gets  hold  of  them,  his  infantine  spirita  mif^ht  leoti  hiui  into  miscliief, 
and  we  should  have  him  setting  nrc  to  his  sister's  frock  and  blowing 
his  own  head  off. 

"The parcel  marked  A.  is  the  Patent  Exploding  Detector,  and  Bow 
Street  tulmiuator,  one  of  which  you  will  plcaso  to  hang  upon  every 
window  of  the  house.  The  pyrotechnist  informs  me  that  it  makes  a 
noise  equal  to  a  twenty-four  iwunder.  that  each  fulminator  goes  off  six 
times,  and  discharges  death'tudls,  wuicb  will  dougerously  wound  the 
robbers  if  tbey  are  nit. 

"  B.cnntAios  the  Domestic  Rocket  and  Country  Beacon.  When  the 
fires  are  carefully  raked  up  of  a  night,  you  will  put  one  of  theac  n^  cacIi 
chimney,  and  from  our  bed  to  the  nro-placc  communicating  with  the 
beacon,  you  will  put  one  of  the  C.  alow  matches,  so  that  at  on  alarm, 
by  putting  your  hand  out  of  bed,  you  may  light  the  match,  which  will 
light  the  rocket,  which  will  send  up  blue  lights  ami  fire-budls,  to  point 
out  the  way  the  rascals  take  if  they  attack  us,  and  to  be  seea  all  over 
tbd  oountry. 

"  D.  are  canislerB  of  gunpowder,  which  also,  mv  dear,  yoa  will  of 
course  prevent  Tomm t  from  getting  at.    E.  are  bullets, 

"The  rcTolver,  with  Itto  cutlasses,  in  the  parcel  F.,  you  wilt  hang  up 
in  ottr  bed.  I  think,  nvf  love,  that  you  might  as  well  lake  a  few  lessons 
iu  the  first  principles  of^  the  sword  exercise  from  Sergb.\nt  rioLSTER. 
A  little  dirt  and  pistol,  for  mere  show  are  for  Ton's  room.  Of  course 
it  will  not  be  loaded,  as  the  little  rasou  might  make  mischief. 

"  YoQ  will  put  the  blunderbuss  with  the  spring  bayonet  in  RooEBs'a 
bed-nwm,  ana  let  the  oiaids  bare  a  couple  of  stout  cutlasses  and  a 
pistol  between  them.  There  is  do  need  of  fire-arms  anywhere  except  in 
the  bed-rooms  :  baring  tham  in  the  lover  rooms  ia  iost  a  premium  to 


tbe  thievM,  who  would  be  nearer  to  them  than  we.  And  it  will  be  aa 
well,  during  the  day,  that  the  men  and  the  moid  lerrauts  should  weu 
a  serviceable  dagger,  aod  that  you  have  one  yourself  at  your  iide. 

"  1  have  written  to  Chiitings  to  take  down  the  stair-oaae,  and  to 
construct  a  moveable  ladder,  easiW  turned  with  a  winch,  and  dTvwn  iq> 
or  let  down  at  will.  When  the  family  have  retired,  this  will  be  dnnai 
ftp  every  night. 

"Always  have  lights  burning  in  the  hall  and  the  pantry  window. 
Tbey  ore  bvred,  and  the  fulmiuators  will  prcserre  them. 

**A8  it  is  dongeroufi  to  have  plate,  I  shall  send  all  ouz>   to  (itt 


OUT* 

banker's,  and  bare  bouf^t  everything   in  German  silver.     Mo: 


vtehnoua  rapacitjf,  1  need  not  say  yoa 


^ 


beyond  a  puree  to 
never  have  in  (he  houK. 

*\  In  box  G.,  yon  will  find  three  Chinese  eongs  and  beaters,  one  far  tbe 
maids'  room,  ouc  for  ours  (it  may  faanff  in  tne  bed  between  thr  ctiUi^  <»), 
and  one  for  Ton's,  who  will  hkc  to  plaj*  on  it.    Tbe  adv.  \f% 

that  these  can  be  neard  for  five  miles  round,  and  wheucv  <  r   ,  I 

would  recommend  my  dearest  BissT  just  to  give  a  blow  or  two,  lo  slio» 
any  scoundrels  who  may  happen  to  be  in  the  neighboorfaood  that  we  an 
on  the  alert. 

"  The  other  parcel  contains  locks,  bolta,  and  chains,  the  arrangement 
of  which  Cllkk£R  will  look  to.  I  intend  to  replace  the  Uoba  by  a 
wall  and  spikes ;  and  you  will  tell  Rogekb  that  I  expect  the  ditch  lo 
be  complete  by  next  week. 

•'  I  have  purchased  two  bull-dogs  at  Bayewater,  very  savage,  and 
cither  of  which  is  big  enough  to  pin  a  man ;  and  I  have  engaged  a 
stout  fellow  to  take  care  of  the  dogs^  which  nobody  con  approach,  but 
him;  and  to  ait  up  armed,  with  beer,  and  make  his  rounos  all  night. 
He  and  his  interestii  g  charges  will  sleep  during  tlie  days.  Do  not  let 
dearest  Tou  gel  near  the  dogs.  Kiss  him  for  his  fond  father,  and 
believe  me  ever,  my  dearest  Besst.  »  Affectionate  Huabond. 
"  0t4  ffummums,  Tuetthy,  "  H.  Murr.- 


THE  BROUGHAM  ARMS. 

AvoNO  the  various  uses  of  beroldic  bononn 
is  one  that  rather  concerns  the  public 
than  the  possessor.  The  'scutcheon  of 
many  a  nobleman  is  the  sign  of  a  tavenL 
We  hope,  therefore,  that  a  noble  and 
learned  Lord  will  not  be  affronted  if  we 
propose  "The  Brciucham  Arms"  as  tbe 
style,  title,  and  visible  indication  of  a 
place  of  entertainmeut  for  man  and  horve. 
As  the  artist  who  shall  have  to  execute 
the  required  pointing  may  wont  some 
directions  for  his  purpose,  we  subjoin 
them.  TTie  readerwlll  perhaps  be  inclined 
to  believe  that  the  estimation  in  which 
heralds  were  formerly  held,  wa£  owing  to 
their  possession  of  a  prophetic  fociuty. 
Thus,  according  to  Ltsok's  "  Ma^nw 
Britannia,"  runs  the  description  of  the 
arms  and  crest  of  the  BaoueHAUfamtlf  r— 

"  AutB — Od1«s,  •  chcATot)  argent,  betvMV  Ifefli 
flibw  OuOM)  ttnurtant,  pniper. 

"CouT — A  ilaLiter  trm  ombowvd.  In  umuMtf 
iMUlltg  out  or  a  WTVAlb,  boldlnit  ft  flail.'* 

Thomas  Motiu;*8  "Heraldry  of  Fish** 
contains  a  cut  of  the  Bkocouam  Anofl. 
representing  them,  together  with  the  cn^st.  enclosed  in  the  mjrstittl 
vesica  piitHs ;  thus  it  is  evident  that  the  Bao0GHAM  shield  is  icuijr- 
ologoiis  within  and  without— fish  all  over. 

It  is  needless  to  dilate  on  the  relation  between  theK  annoiiti 
bearings  and  a  recent  transaction  in  the  river  Eamont.  We  CKonoC 
however,  refrain  from  noticing  the  particularly  curious  coiuoidencc  that 
the  arm  represented  as  grasping  the  fish  is  tbe  tiiwt^  one.  Could  aoy 
thing  be  more  appropriate  to  the  irregular  sportamafl— the  Woltoh  of 
the  wire? 

We  must  also  call  attention  to  the  singular  circumstance  that  t^ 
fishes  of  the  Arms  of  BRoroKAM  are  luces  A  luoe  is  a  fuU^frown 
pike  ]  a  pike  is  the  well-known  emblem  of  a  pettifogging  lawyer,  a  crealofi 
among  whose  tribe,  we  are  bound  to  say,  our  great  law  reformer  lya 
been  at  least  as  destructive  as  he  has  to  trout. 

Yes ;  there  must  needs  be  established  on  hostelry  to  be  called  '^tlv 
Brougham  Arms."  It  must  be  situatednot  farfrom  apleaaant 
intersected  with  babbling  rills,  well  stocked,  and  baring  plenty  Qf 
in  them  i  and  it  shall  for  ever  be  noted  as  "The  Hotue  (if  Odi  i» 
PoMhera."  

ccnrmmKuu  k)r  pAiufns. 
Which  of  the  taxes  is  a  perfect  robbery  f 
Tbe  hop4aty ;  because  it  ia  a  downright  picking  of  pocketa. 


I 


I 


P 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON    CHARIVARI. 


Ii8 


BROUGHAM   HIMSELF  AGAIN. 


The  Sea  Serpent  Orosung  the  Atlantic,  as  seen  from  the  Tacht  "Toby-"-Oapt  Ftinch. 


Lord  BnorouAV,  aa  everTbody  knows  from  his  lordship's  own  on- 
Bouncetomt  of  the  fact,  is  about  to  proceed  next  April  to  America. 
The  iUufllrious  peer  ia  no  doobt  ftetuated  in  lome  degree  by  n  fcelinf?  of 
(Misidenitioii  towards  the  Great  Exhibition  of  1951,  and  withdraws 
from  all  competition,  saying  to  himself^  "  There  will  not  be  room  for 
both  of  us." 

Perhaps  he  ooDtemplotes 
America  with  tbe  intention  o 

which  he  has  eihibited  tlirovgh  life,  ind  beoomiag  a  really  United 
Statesman  at  last.  It  is  quite  impossible  that  sudi  a  phcnomcnoD 
can  cross  the  Atlantic  without  causing  an  unnsunl  commotion,  and 
ncitina  quite  as  much  attention  as  the  sea-terpeut,  whom,  by  the  way, 
aia  iordslup  goes  very  opportunely  to  sucreed. 

We  may  eipect  to  receive  accounts  of  the  appcanmce  of  a  most 
otraordiuary  animal  at  tea,  in  Uie  oounsc  of  next  Tear*  and  though  we 
Bbould  be  Sony,  by  anticipating  the  pemiy-a-Uncr  to  take  the  bread  out 


appearing  in  anew  ehancter,  and  goes  to 
of  reconciling  all  the  political  aelf-variations 


of  his  mouthy  or  the  paragraph  out  of  his  inkstand,  vie  muy  t&pecl 
something  like  tlic  following  to  be  going  the  round  of  the  papers  in 
the  course  of  next  summer. 

"THE  SEA-flEKPENT  ONCE  AGAIN. 
*'  One  of  the  oddest  fish  that  ever  was  cncoantCTcd,  haa  lately  made 
its  appearance  in  the  Atlantic;  and  though  in »oine  respects  resembling 
an  inhabitant  of  the  Uuid,  the  odd  6sh  in  question,  shows  such  a  won* 
droua  power  of  self-adaptation  to  all  circunistitnces,  that  it  would  be 
impossible  for  it  to  seem  am-wherc  out  of  its  clement.  An  inspection 
of  its  coat  proved  it  to  combine  nil  the  various  colours  of  the  dolnhin, 
and  thoujjtb  it  showed  a  decided  rtffiuity  to  the  Great  Seal,  still  on  closer 
examination,  the  observer  could  not  help  exclaimiugp  '  Very  like  a 
whale,*  when  the  idea  of  the  (ircal;  Seal  suggested  itself." 

Sucli  is  the  kind  of  article  that  may  be  looked  for   under  the  head 
of  Naval  Intelligence  when  Lord  Bkocgk&m  is  fairly  off  for  America. 


KfE.  PUNCH  TO  PIO  NONO. 
Mat  rr  flbasb  voitb  Uqusess, 

I  am  sore  1  haw  always  behaved  u  a  frieiid  in  mv  humble 
way  to  year  Hounbss.  and  also  to  your  UoLiHE&s'a  ftock  in  this 
oountry,  although  your  Holiskss  has  never  sent  me  any  supr-plums. 
I  am  still  wiping  to  do  both  yourself  and  Ihem  auj-  rvaaouahle  tiervice 
in  my  power,  and  that  is  why  I  take  the  present  liberty  of  addreaaing 
your  Holiness. 

Will  your  Holi?:e.«(.s  please  to  tell  me  what  I  am  to  say  next  session 
to  Sib  RoBEar  Ingms,  and  Mr.  pLuvrras,  and  iliu  Spooneb,  now 
that  you  have  created  an  Abciibishop  or  WBsntniSTEa,  particularly 
if  jrou  sanction  the  decree  of  the  Thurles  Synod  against  tbe  Qt'uii't 

Of  course,  SrooNER,  and  Plcmptbjj,  and  In&us  will  argue  that  if 
ran  erect  Archbislioprics  in  the  Qitckh's  dominions  there  is  no 
knowing  to  what  extent  you  may  ofaooao  to  carry  your  interference  in 
Hxi  liaJEaTY^s  affairs;  and  that  perhaps  we  shall  have  you  absolving 
ber  Bulqeota  from  their  oath  of  allegimoe  next.  And  ]  really  don't  see 
how  [  am  to  answer  them,  unlets  your  HouNEsa  will  inform"  me.  You 
■ee,  the  behaviour  of  your  Piedmont  prelates  in  setting  themselves 
above  tba  laws,  gives  a  very  unfortunate  plausibllily  to  the  arguments 
ollkMigentlemea. 

AkUtmCBta,  I  bttsn-e,  still  eziat  in  the  statute-book  rendering  some 
of  yonr  cleigy  ex  ^fine  babla  to  be  hanged,  drawn,  and  quartered. 
Abortive  attempts  have  been  made,  (rem  time  to  time,  for  their  repeal : 
but,  through  the  pious  care  of  Isglu  and  others,  those  cimositics  of 
legislation  have  been  preserved.  When  Cimsh'^lm  Anstet  aaka  for 
their  abolition,  next  year,  he  will  be  told,  that  it  is  nccessan-  *^  *  -'i 
laws  should  be  retained  i«  tfrromH.  1  used  to  pooh  pooh  ' 
nation ;  but  now  unless  your  Houkem  will  instruct  me  to  ;  .  i 

shall  bo  as  couiplctelj  posed  as  CaisuobM  will.     Both  our  mouths  will 
be  atopped  with  the  Arehbishopric  of  Westminster. 

Then,  if  you  confirm  the  condemnation  of  the  Qt;cEic*s  Colleges, 
low  am  I  to  defend  the  Maynootb  Grant  against  Missal.  Spookex 


and  PLtntfrTBE  ?  B;^  what  logic  shall  I  attempt  to  persuade  the  House 
of  Commons  that  it  is  reasonable  and  right  to  vote  the  nation's  money 
for  the  puruose  of  tniiiiing  up  priests  to  defeat  the  ends  of  good 
government  r  And  with  what  Jrossiblc  face  can  1  continue  to  advocate 
the  atlniission  of  lloman  Catholics  to  take  degrees  at  Oxford  or 
Cambridge  ? 

Here — though,  of  course,  your  Holixess  understands  your  own 
business  best — 1  venture  to  ask  whether  it  will  be  quite  politic  of  yon 
to  condcuiu  the  QriEs's  Colleges,  which  are  merely  neutral  insti- 
tutions.  whereas,  vou  have  all  along  allowed  Roman  Catholic  youth  to 
go  to  the  positively  Protestant  University  of  Dublin'  T  always  thought 
tnat  Roman  Catholicity  never  contradicted  itself.  Will  your  Houi.ncss 
give  a  handle  to  the  heretics  P 

Whether  Fathers  ever  differed  from  Fathers,  and  Councib  from 
Councils,  is  a  motit  point  of  history.  But  there  can  be  no  mistake 
al)out  conteiuporarj'  inconsistency ;  and,  if  this  can  be  detected  in  your 
HoMNEss's  syslein,  it  will  be  all  up  with  it,  your  Houne&s,  as  sure  as 
my  name  is  fiunrk  and  ^ours  is  Mastai  Febketti. 

Your  HoLi?iB.fS.  I  imagine  T  kiiow  what  sort  of  influence  your 
Thuries  Bishops  desire  to  exert  on  education.  They  want  to  make 
things  pleasant  to  orthodox  tasle — to  cook  the  accounts  of  science  and 
philosophy,  an  *t  please  yoor  HotrxESS.  Tbe  sun  comes  out  of  this 
culinary — or  Cullenart— process  about  two  yards  in  diameter,  I 
think.  If  this  is  so,  and  Truth  is  the  food  of  the  mind,  what  reply 
shall  I  make  to  those  who,  applying  to  stewed  principles  and  hashed 
facta,  a  well-known  proverb,  remark,  th-t  Heaven  sends  good  meat,  but 
a  personage  from  the  antipodea  to  Heaven— saving  your  Houness's 
reverence — sonds  cooks  }  Pray,  yonr  Houmun,  advise  your  Homxesv^s 
sincere  woU-wiaher,  pg  ^^  ^ 


HISTAKJJK   inEXTtTT. 

A  icon  cxtraordinarv  instance  of  mistaken  identiir  raceatly  oeearrad 
in  Scotland.  A  Cambridge  student,  travelling  tbroogh  Gleu  lilt^ 
accosted  the  Duke  of  Tliat  Ilk  as  a  gentleman. 


1^i^li»S». 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A   RETIRED   NEIGHBOURHOOD. 

Mrs.  Beow  tcriiing  to  Miss  Smitk. 

"The  drawing-room  from  which  I  write  (o  vou  has  the  most  chRmiiiiff 
views  over  the  moat  delicious  country,  seen  through  the  most  dcliKhtfal 
FreDCh  windows,  which  open  oq  tlie  most  lovely  lawn,  where  Tottt  and 
LoTTY  play  all  dajr.  CnAiays  has  gone  out  shooling,  or  lie  would  send  you 
his  love.    As  I  write  to  you.  I—" 

Sntfr  Tbamf. 
"I  beg  your  pardon,  my  good  Marm.    Could  you  be  so  obleegin*  u  to 
icU  me  what  o'clock  it  is  by  your  watch  P " 


"GOOD"    ROYAL    DOMESTICS. 

We  learn  that  Ueh  Majestt,  in  consideration  of  tlic  wants  of  the 
dompAtips  of  the  Inte  Qltt-n  Dowager  has,  "  out  of  her  own  purse  caused 
yearly  bounties,  varymg  from  £30  to  £60,  to  be  awarded  to  those  persons 
whose  claims  are  most  prominent."  We  are  sorry  for  it ;  and  are  prone  to 
attribute  the  advice  given  to  Her  MAJEiTY  to  some  spite  in  the  breast  of 
the  ministerial  councillor  against  A[r.  BiNJAMiy  Bond  Cabbell.  We  are 
not  eure  if  that  ill-used  gentleman  has  not  a  clear  case  of  damages,  a  case 
to  be  argued  before  the  adTcrliaing  philanthropists  of  England  against  Loud 
John  Russell,  who  would  not  move  an  appeal  to  Parliament  on  his  own 
res^naibihty,  sud  who,  by  his  ill-timed  cn^insel,  lias  deprived  Mk.  B.  B,  C., 
M.P.,  of  a  very_  touching  opportunity  of  coming  forward  in  advocacy  of  the 
claims  of  Ihc  virtuoiis  and  the  pampered.  Had  Her  Maje^tt's  purae- 
fitrings  remained  undrawn,  our  eyes  might  have  been  rejoiced  with  an  cdvertise- 
ment  for  another  Testimonial.  Such  document  was  already  agreed  upon— 
drawn  up — and  would  hare  appeared  in  the  niomtng  papers.  However, 
as  we  have  bet:u  favoured  with  a  copy,  it  shall  not  be  lost,  and  here  it  is:— 

THE  "GOOD"  DOMESTICS  OF  QUEEN  ADELAIDE. 

At  a  meeting  held  yesterday  at  the  Goose  and  Gridiron,  Benjamdj 
Bond  Cabbeu^  Esq,,  M.V.,  in  the  Choir;  it  was  resolved  by  a  body  of 
gentlemen  too  numerous  to  be  nominally  narticnlariscd,  to  appeal  to  the 
Breasts  and  Pockets  of  Knglislimen,  in  Whalf  of  the  "Good  '  Domestics 
of  Her  Majestv  the  late  Quebk  Dowagkr.  When  it 'was  considered  that 
all  these  "  Good  "  Sen*anta  had  devoted  their  lives  to  the  promotion  of  the 
best  interests  of  themselves— when  it  was  universally  allowed  that  these 
admirable  domestics  had  shown  a  rare  example  of  sagacity,  by  dwelling  in  a 
paUcB  when  they  might  have  pigged  in  an  allcv— that  many"  of  them,  with 
the  most  extraordinary  heroism  towrirds  the  flashy  and  beantiful,  had  worn 
•cwlct  and  gold,  when  ihey  might  otherwise  have  gone  in  fustian  or  velveteen 


—when  many  of  them,  for  the  gratification  of  the  imbUo,  had 
riddcD  on  birth-davs  and  drawing-rooms,  behind  a  carriage,  when 
they  might  have  drawn  a  truck;  when  all  these,  and  u.ure  than 
these  claims  of  singular  disinterestedness  and  splf-denial  are  con- 
sidered, then  may  these  servants  be  emphatically  denoromttcd 
the  *'G<>od"  Domestics  of  the  late  Queen  Dowager. 

Further,  the  Committee  are  touched  with  the  liveliest  happinesi, 
feeling  themselves  enabled  to  assure  a  British  Public,  that  the 
valuable  and  siTecting  cpithel  "  good,"  is  not  Uie  excluBTe  pro- 
perty of  any  two,  or  three,  or  half-dozen  of  the  aforesaid  Domc*- 
tics,  but  all  of  them, — it  would  seem  by  virtue  of  large  wages,  high 
living,  snug  Iodj?ing,  and  handsome  clothing, — all  of  them,  hy 
virtue  of  such  advantages, — being  equally  virtuous;  that,  in  fact, 
one  Domestic  is  quite  as  '*good"  as  another.  Howerer,  a  few 
— not  invidiously,  but  only  aa  a  sample  ot  the  otheis — are  below 
described.  ^_^_^^^^_ 

No.  1.  The  "GOOD"  Coachman.— A  man  who  has  devoted 
all  his  life  to  the  promotion  of  humanity;  a  man  who,  in  the 
most  ticklish  turnings,  always  "cried  ^e,  and  spared  the  hksh  :*• 
— a  man  who.  thoush  flUing  a  high  position,  handled  the  reins  of 
power  wit  h  the  lightest  grasp ;— a  man  who  has  condescended— 
from  hit  very  box^  and  tliat  on  a  state-day — to  grin  at  a  chimney- 
sweeper, and  chuckle  at  Funch-and-Judy ; — a  man  who,  in  the 
Royu  Kitchen,  never  touched  neck  of^  mutton,  when  venison 
smoked  upon  the  board ;— a  man  who,  without  hesitation,  would 
refrain  from  beer,  resolutely  reserving  himself  for  port, — in  factk 
the  "GOOD"  Coachman  1 

No.  2.  The  "GOOD"  Footman.— A  most  valuable  member 
of  the  Human  Family,  standing  aix-feet-two ;  and  yet  with  no 
more  pride  in  him  than  Tom  Thumb,  with  his  two-feet-ajx.  A 
man  who  had  devoted  all  his  life  to  the  attainment  and  al^er 
nourishment  of  his  own  calves.  His  linen  was  spotless ;  and  the 
mttiden*5  check  might  liare  envied  the  blush  on  his  siUc  --tockinga, 
upon  levees  and  drawing-rooms.  A  Footman  who,  though  pre- 
senting the  rare  example  of  being  born  to  stand  behind  a  royal 
coach,  nevertheless  knew  "what  tea*  taxes;"  foi^-and  that  for 
his  own  widowed  mother — he  once  paid  the  water.rat< !  Many 
words  might  be  built— like  cheeses,  one  upon  another — to  Daint 
him ;  but  one  word,  in  its  full-bodied  fullness,  is  suflicicnt :  he  is 
the  ''GOOD"  Footman! 


No.  3.  The  "GOOD"  Hali^Door  Porteb.— From  htt 
earliest  days,  from  the  time  he  fir^t  stood  upon  a  stool  to  open 
the  wicket  ol  the  royal  back  door  of  a  royal  garden.  No.  3,  the 
Porter,  has  devoted  all  his  life  to  bolting  and  unbolting.  And 
yet,  though  bom  to  be  a  porter,  there  is.  throughout  his  -whole 
existence,  abundant  proof  that  he  never  slammed  the  door  even 
in  the  face  of  his  poorest  fellow -creature,  no  fnwyment  of  a  nose 
—not  even  of  the  humblest  classes— ever  havmg  been  found 
between  the  roval  door  and  the  royal  door-post.  He  was  kirwi  to 
all,  saying  nothing  but  yes  and  no;  and  if  he  growled  a  littJe. 
never  attempting  to  soap.  Whilst,  in  his  unceasing  love  of  art 
and  letters,  he  never,  tiiwugh  often  known  to  be  aroused  from 
his  slumbers,  by  the  importunities  of  artists  and  authors,  he  nevcT 
—though  (as  it  could  be  proved)  frequently  advised  so  to  do— be 
never  kept  a  dog  suspected  of  madness  to  turn  loose  upon  and 
bite  them!  The  Committ<ie  feel  that  if,  in  search  of  a  word 
to  declare  the  merits  of  No.  3,  they  were  to  open  the  VUiiMttrit 
of  the  immortal  Doctor  Johnson,  as  often  aa  No.  3  UDclowd 
the  portals  of  the  royal  mansion,  thejr  could  find  for  him  no 
epithet  so  abundantly  expressive  of  Ida  rirtuea  as  The  *'  GOOD 
liALL- Porter  ! 

No.  4.  The  "  GOOD  "  Tigeu.— Bom  as  he  was  in  the  higbest 
room  of  a  royal  house,  and  weaned  upon  oss's-railk,  the  property 
of  royalty,  No.  4  presents  the  singular  spectacle  of  a  Tiger  devoting 
his  whole  life  to  the  human  swcie^.  A  Tiger,  neyerthelcsa^  tije 
most  condescending  and  affable  deportment,  having  been  jauTwn 
to  go  heads-and-taila  for  bull's-eyes  with  ever  eo  monr  diartty- 
hoys  of  ever  so  many  achocda — in  which  the  metropolis  aDOundf— 
and  whu,  though  a  regal  Tiger,  has  been  seen  more  than  once, 
yes,  more  than  a  good  many  times,  eating  kidncr-pnddin^  with 
the  most  unpretending  of  his  species.  Let  other  Tigers  deaiderata 
the  epithet  Royal ;  the  Committee  call,  and  that  emphatioiUyt 
No.  4.  The  "GOOD"  Tiger! 


No.  5.  The  "GOOD"  D^frt-Maid.- The  Committee  desire 
to  recommend  the  virtues  of  No.  5  ;  who,  though  bom  to  a  Royal 
Dairy,  never  watered  the  milk,  never  chalked  it,  and  never  wia 
known,  to  the  poorest  of  her  species,  to  give  a  short  ba'pofth. 
It  may  be  said  of  No.  B,  in  tne  words  of  one  who  knew  th* 
human  heart,  that  butter  would  not  rocU  in  her  month ;  ubIms, 


I 


H 


M 


I 


I 


■^w 


PtJNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


175 


indeed,  melted  by  blushirg  at  her  own  merits.  The  Committee  raa^r 
further  bay  of  thrir  Diiir>'-Mud  what  Sir  T.  OvEKBrnY  says  of  hU 
Maid — she  dare  go  oloue,  aud  unfolds  sheep  i'  the  niglit  [ami  fhrrf- 
fare  a  dfsirabU  voife  for  any  tingle  grasiftr]  and  fears  no  manner  of  ill, 
becftose  she  means  none.  In  a  word— the  best  word — tlie  Cornmitlec 
ponfidenUy  proclaim  No.  5  to  be— Tub  "  GOOD  "  Dairy  Maid! 

The  CommiUee  might  proceed  with  numerals  up  to  30 ;  but  conclude 
with  5,  thinking  they  have  said  enough  to  stir  the  heart?,  and  unbutton 
the  pockets  of  &  syrnp.it  hising  and  liberal  miblic. 

In  the  event  (whieli  by  the  way  is  not  to  be  imagined)  of  there  not 
being  a  sufficicnry  of  funds  subscribed  to  erect  thirty  statues  in  Tra- 
Wgnr  Square  to  the  honour  of  the  30  "  Good"  Domestics,  then — 

The  Committee  would  recommend  the  estAblishment  of  a  triple  in- 
stitution for  llic  benefit  of  the  aforesaid  Domestics— an  institution  of  a 
characler  as  universal  as  philanthropy  itself.  With  this  view  the 
Committee  confidently  suggest  as  an  asylum  for  the  30  an  Hotel— a 
Cook-Shop— and  an  Alamode  Bcef-HouK. 

A.  Beetroot,  Hon,  Sec, 


THE  JIILL  OF  ATHOLL'S  GLEN. 

AJTER  OSSIAIff. 

{Tide  Time*  qfthe  \\(h  and  17W  imtoMt ) 

WHr  is  thepecper  of  Atnou, 
closed  ?  Wherefore  is  the  eye 
of  Straxge  surrounded  with  o 
ring  of  porplc  ? 

It  is  the  print  of  the  South- 
ron knncklc,— the  fist-mark  of 
the  Cambridge  Undergraduate, 
heavy-handed  bniiser. 

(.Cambridge  Undergmduatc, 
bruiser  of  the  hravy  hand, 
wherefore  didst  thou  darken 
the  eye  of  Strange?  Why 
bungcdat  thon  up  the  peeper 
of  Atuoll? 

The  Autumn  winds  were 
singing  the  coronach  of  the 
summer  in  Glen  Tilt.  A  moan- 
ing, as  of  no  end  of  ghoHts, 
swept  throngh  thp  lioUow  glen. 
There,  \*ith  the  red  and  brown 
leaves  fulling  around  him,  stood 
the  Cuiep  or  Clan  Atholl, 
with  a  parly  of  lacUcs  nnd  gen- 
tlemen. 

Shrouded  in  the  mist  of  the 
distance  cometh  Sandy  IIac- 
LAftRAN.  With  him  behold  two 
stranger  forms  approaching. 
Onward  they  come,  with  tlic 
sturdy  tramp  of  youth;  stout 
arc  the  cuagcls  which  they 
grasp  in  their  nervous  fists. 

Ho,  there,  ye  that  range  on- 
bidden  t  he  Glen  of  Tilt  1  Halt, 
re  wanderers  from  the  land  of 
Cockuey  !  Stand,  ye  jumpers 
of  the  counter! 

We  arc  no  jumpers  of  the 
counter:  no  wanderers  arc  we 
^lom  the  hmd  of  Cockney.  We  come  from  the  meadows  that  are 
witered  by  the  Cam,— from  the  abodes  where  Learning  dwcilclh  in 
ber  Colleges  and  Halls.  Thither  journey  we  on  this  beaten  track.  And 
who  the  deuce  art  thou  that  hindcrest  us  ? 

Ken  ye  not  the  CaiEr  or  Clam  Atholl,— the  tourist- balfling  Duke, 
of  the  impassable  glen  ? 

for  the  Chief  of  Atholl's  Clan  we  care  not  a  dump  ;  the  Duke  of 
the  impassable  glen  we  value  not  at  a  farthing.  We  have  passed 
the  Ajmks  Bridge,  wherefore  should  we  not  cross  thy  f^len  ?  Chiep  or 
Cla:!  Atholl,  get  out  of  the  way !  Duke  of  tbe  impassable  glcn, 
stand  out  of  the  sunshine ! 

Fire  flashed  from  the  eye  of  Atholl;  wrath  blaxcd  from  the  eounte- 
nancc  of  Staavgz.  By  tbe  collar  he  seized  the  foremost  youth.  Back ! 
Return  by  the  way  thou  earnest.  Back !  or,  by  the  beard  of  my  ten 
thousand  ancestors,  ye  shall  me  the  day !  Back,  I  say,  on  your  lires, 
ye  sons  of  Gnmta ! 

Unhand  me,  CmEr  or  Clan  Atholi^  or  whoever  thou  art !    Unhand 
roe,  1  say,  or  I  will  punch  thine  head.    Thou  wilt  not?    No?    Here 
,  then;  take  that  for  thyself ! 
ther  they  roahed ;  the  son  of  Gnmta  and  Caisr  or  Clan  Atboll. 


Furious  was  the  Chief,  and  wild,  and  aroused  was  the  Under-Grwluate's 
monkey.  Blow  was  exchangeo  for  blow ;  lunge  for  lunge ;  slash  for 
slash;  heavy  was  the  countering,  and  the  knocks  resounded.  Loud 
fihouted  the  gentlemen :  shrill  were  the  screams  of  the  ladies. 

The  Chief  was  overcome  with  fury,  aud  hit  all  abroad.  Wary  was 
the  Cantabrigian  youth,  well  trained  on  the  pleasant  banks  of  the  Cam 
lo  encounter  in  stand-up  mill  the  brawny  bargee.  Sharp  fell  the  stinger 
on  the  proboscis  of  Stjl^nge;  fast  flowed  the  claret  from  the  conk 
of  Atholl.  One.  two,  were  planted  on  the  optics  of  the  Chief — 
darkness  svam  before  him :  then  fell  a  stunner  on  his  ducal  frontis- 
piece, and  he  was  doubled  up  by  a  finisher  in  the  breadbasket.  He 
staggered- he  fell  into  the  arms  of  his  faithful  henchman— even  tlie 
amis  of  SANnr  Maclaaran. 

To  the  rescue  I  Donald  of  the  tufted  chin,  Rodebick  of  the  red 
moustaches,  to  the  help  of  your  Chief!  Hauisu  of  the  Pipes — 
DoUGiL  the  breckless— clayniorc  for  Cl.\n  Atboll! 

The  eight  hands  of  the  four  bold  grooms  are  at  once  on  the  collar  of  the 
Sassenach.  As  many  more  grasped  the  coat-tails  of  his  companion — 
the  Heelandmen  were  braw.  1*  rom  liefore  the  bruised  face  of  their 
chieftain  they  drag  away  the  sons  uf  Granta. 

Mourn ;  for  occhymosis  encircles  the  ogle  of  SinANfiE :  lament;  for 
the  visual  organ  of  Atholl  is  darkened.  Raise  the  sound  of  wail  upon 
a  thousand  bagpipes !  Closed  is  the  eye  of  him  who  would  close  Glen 
Tilt  to  the  traveller.  Contusion  sits  on  tlie  brow  of  the  Chieftain ; 
the  countenance  of  the  Duke  beareth  marks  of  punishment ! 


THE  CAMPAIGNS  OF  LOUIS-NAPOLEON. 

(Writitnhftomu  ChmmgTtuxvJt.) 

"  The  future  Emperor  displayed  all  his  usual  courage  in  the  me- 
morable reriew  tltat  took  place  on  the  celebrated  plain  of  Cramboli, 
in  the  prett)'  little  village  of  Fiddeldeedee.  There  could  not  have  been 
less  than  25,000  soldiers  upon  tbe  field,  but  nevertheless  our  Em- 
peror advanced  boldly  in  the  midst  of  them,  and,  seiring  the  glass  of  a 
Chasseur  that  was  already  primed,  he  put  it  deliberately  to  his  h(>3,  and 
drank  it  right  off  in  the  presence  of  his  brave  troops.  This  danng  act 
of  courage  cannot  be  sumcieutlr  appreciated,  unless  we  state  that  the 
wine  in  question  was  a  glass  of  Atapon,  commonly  known  as  the  tin  th 
troi$  tCHs.  The  £mperor-t  hat-is -to-be  had  no  sooner  drained  the  glass 
than  he  turned  away  his  head,  and  tears  were  observed  to  come  into 
his  eyes.  This  uncontrollable  act  of  emotion  has  been  attributed  to 
the  sourness  of  the  wine,  but  such  libels  only  increase  our  admiration 
for  tbe  object  of  them,  and  makes  France  lore  its  future  Emperor 
the  more. 

"Towards  two  o'clock,  when  the  heat  from  the  enemy's  (kitchen) 
fire  was  the  hottest,  and  the  bailerie  de  cuisine,  that  was  stationed  on 
the  brow  of  the  opposite  hill,  was  keeping  up  an  incessant  discharge  of 
savcinon*  and  roasted  cheimut-s^  the  proud  youth  who  has  the  hoDOnr 
of  being  the  nephew  of  the  "Son  of  Destiny,"  rode  forward  on  his 
Arabian  charger,  and,  dismounting,  with  the  greatest  coolness,  picked 
up  from  the  ground  a  matron  ae  I^n  before  it  had  time  to  explode, 
aud,  biting  it  \^  itli  his  teeth  as  if  were  a  cartouche,  eat  it,  amidst  the 
cheers  of  his  enraptured  army. 

"  Our  Emperor  rresidcnt  surpassed  himself  that  day  in  acts  of 
gallantry.  Tlie  Knglish  Ambassfidor  was  endeavouring  in  vain  to  open 
a  bottle  of  Stout,  of  the  far-famed  Monsieur  Giunness,  for  the 
restoration  of  a  party  of  ladies,  who  had  followed  the  fortunes  of  the 
French  army  all  the  way  from  the  Rue  Lepelietier^  wtien  be  was  rudely 
pushed  a.side,  and  the  neck  of  the  recreant  bottle  was  severed  at  one 
coHp  de  sabre,  that  caused  the  precious  liquid  to  pnur  forth  in  a  flowiog 
stream  of  the  creamiest  abundance.  Need  wc  state  that  the  blow  vaa 
levelled  by  the  unerring  hand  of  IjOUIS-Napoleon,  who  immediately 
rushed  from  the  spot  lo  avoid  the  compUments  that  were  awaiting  him 
on  all  sides. 

"  Whilst  the  slaughter  amongst  the  chickens  and  cold  ham  was  at  ita 
fiercest  height,  the  noble  form  of  a  National  Guard  was  seen  gallopping 
across  the  plain,  surrounded  by  a  dense  body  of  dust.  As  the  form  ap- 
proaclied,  it  was  discovered  to  be  the  uniform  of  a  captain  of  that  distin- 
guished regiment,  and  loud  cries  of  "  Vive  VEmpereur  '  rent  the  air,  when 
the  captain  was  discovered  to  be  no  other  than  Louis-Napoleon.  Being 
in  want  of  a  light  for  his  cigar,  he  had  preferred  riding  a  distance  of  two 
miles  right  into  the  midst  of  the  enemy's  fire,  sooner  than  take  it  from 
the  hands  of  one  of  his  own  suite.  Such  acta  of  fearless  heroism  carry 
their  own  eulo(r}'  with  them. 

"  The  campaign  commenced  as  early  as  one  o'clock  in  the  afternoon, 
and  did  not  terminate  until  three.  For  two  hours  our  Emneror-Elect 
never  stirred  from  his  saddle  but  once,  and  yet  he  did  not  look  in  the 
least  fatigued. 

"  Two  thousand  bottles  of  champagne  were  left  upon  the  field,  and  it 
is  calculated  that  at  least  six  hundred  chickens  must  have  perished  on 
that  fatal  day.  The  Ekoperor  that-is4o-be,  some  dav,  on  riding  across 
the  plain,  was  distinctly  observed  to  drop  a  tear  as  ne  looked  upon  the 
affecting  spectacle  of  tneir  mangled  remains." 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


The  Church  on  the  Ooatinent* 

has    npix^iTitf^     Db. 

"  'ine  and 

MlZDCnt. 
M4- 


Tme    Quepv 
SuiTU  to  bi-  ' 
Priumte  of  1' 
wUicli   I': 

villi    ^  I 
Slates . 

mrp   »   ■ 


n'. 

Liiv  hw 


^  rfi^idcnrc  will  bo 
lDi|tii!>ition. 


Cimre,  for  \i  i 
Vaticuii,  or. 
SftintA-i 

been  ft| 
Rome, 
in  the  i'.^..:.- 

Tlio  Hevjibknd  Joun  Joue*  wiU 
be  the  new  Arcbdnwon  of  Babjloo- 
DocTOR  UiM^.flnd  Doctor ScARLBTT, 
arc  meutioned  u  likely  to  L&ve  prefer- 
ment,  

The  LoAt  ProtectionUt  Sodgv* 

Wb  iindprsltn  i  \hni  fh(>r<?  !iM  bwD 
some  li'       "  ■     «       .    .  ■    ,-i^ 

from  \lr  '  of 

tlie  iJO>--!!'  ''ff 

arrivpil  fnMi  i     . .                             "^ 

would  lie   a  n.>uliaveiit .                    <H 

of  Ql-EKN  EU/MltTHu;:  -     iK 

in  Bulls  from  Home,     li  i>  r 
tliut  a  slircwd  p  toted  ion  ist  ' 

_,......  I       M...    .l.lT.^j.ltv     in     til.-     '_„^l 

II  '   ctf  lust 


I 


A  THOUSAND  JOKES  IN  A  THOUSAND  HOURS. 

Tuis  luduous  task,  uudtfrtaken  by  a  veteran  punater  atUched  to  the 
Pu*ch  establish mcnt,  was  completed  at  7  o'clock  ou  Saturday  night 
last.  At  au  early  hour  Fleet  Street  was  crowded  by  pcrsoua  of  all 
grades,  who  were  anxious  to  see  and  hear  the  veteran  punster  make  his 
thousandth  puu.  The  concourse  was  so  great,  tliat  there  wo^  some 
difficulty  in  clearing  a  sufficient  .siukce  outside  the  PuHi'h  onicc,  to 
eaaj)le  tuc  veteran  to  proceed  with  the  completion  of  his  ihnusaudth  pun, 
which  it  waa  understood  heforehAnd  would  be  one  of  a  pnicliciU 
character.  Some  an&iety  was  monifesled  us  tu  whether  the  veterau 
would  bo  able  to  finish  his  arduous  task,  and  bets  were  made,  a  quarter 
before  seven,  that  he  would  not  get  through  the  entire  pun  uitliin 
twenty  minutes. 

At  a  little  before  the  hour,  an  apple-stall  waa  placed  at  the  comer  of 
Bride  Court,  and  it  soon  be^n  to  be  rumoured  that  the  thousandth 
puu  would  be  in  some  way  connected  with  the  stall ;  an  impressioa 
wliicli  gained  strength  when  it  was  observed  thai  tlie  stall  was  un- 
iidcd.  by  auy  one  in  the  character  of  proprietor.  A  few  minutes 
the  clock  was  expected  to  strike,  the  punster  emerged  from  the 
door,  amid  the  cheers  of  the  bystanders,  who  were  worked  up  lo 
the  highest  pitch  of  excitement  at  the  near  approach  of  the  moment  for 
the  completion  or  failure  of  the  gigantic  task  tliat  had  been  undertaken 

Presently  the  police  force,  under  the  command  of  Inspector 
Waggles,  cleared  a  way  to  the  stall,  when  tlie  veteran  puiister,  throw- 
ins  himself  across  tlic  top  of  it,  aniia  several  lots  of  apples,  exclaimed, 
"Here  I  urn,  in-^tall-cd  at  last  as  the  Prince  of  Punsters!"  The 
cheediig  wa:)  dt^ufening,  and.  it  stiil  wanting  a  few  seconds  to  seven,  the 
veteran  ran  through  a  course  of  puns  upon  apples— includin;?  every 
appellation  of  whicu  they  are  susce^itiblc— witli  apparent  ease,  amid  the 
tremendous  cuihu^iasm  of  the  multitude. 

The  last  pun  was  completed  in  leu  seconds, — a  fact,  we  believe,  that 
has  been  unprecedented ;  and  tlie  veteran  roust,  accordingly,  be 
redded  as  the  swiftest  punstor  of  this  or  any  fonuer  ueriod.  lu 
oroer  to  show  that  his  punning  strength  whs  not  exliausleu»  he  conti- 
nued to  make  a  puu  every  hour  up  to  Monday  night;  and  in  the  course 
of  the  day  made  four  puuit  backwards,  each  of  which  ho  completed  in 
less  than  fifteen  miuules.  ]le  afterwards  nroccoded  to  be  weighed, 
when  ho  was  found  to  have  lost,  during  tlie  oavs  employed  in  the  feat, 
seven  pounds,  supposed  to  be  missing  Irom  the  loof^  or  upper  story. 
His  health  and  spirits  have  been  good ;  and  he  is  said  to  have  expreased 
his  conviction  that  he  could  have  endured  his  task  for  a  week  longer ; 


butwhMhcr  his  hearera  could  have  endured  hmi  is  Miot  ^n- 

The  oolv  difference  in  him  was  a  little  excitability,  an.i  .   ot 

temper  lit  the  lust,  showing  that  his  bead  was  bcgauang  u  .:..  ^ea, 

and  that  his  senses  were  "on  the  ko;  "  but  as  his  nonsen-sc  tiu  aiw»p 
been  considered  the  "  go,"  this  did  not  much  signify. 


WIULII 

Swd 


THE  GRAND  PACITIC  JUNCmON  CANAL. 
From  the  melancholy  alterations  taking  place,  under  the  name  of 
improvements  in  the  Parks,  it  is  a  relief  to  turn  to  the  openUion.  mm 
just  reaiiv  to  beprin,  for  connecting  the  AlhmUc  and  Pscit^c  fl;;«uw»? 
the  formation  of  l\ic  Nicanuruan  route  to  California,  undrr  he  .to-l 
auspices  of  America  and  Greiit  Britain,  lo  most  of  u*i  timid  h*ni 
Eu^lishmen,  who  bad  rather  not  ro  to  war  any  morr  i(  we  con  helpl  _ 
Iw'cause  it  is  exi>enMve  as  well  a.s  murderous  /he  fuilowing  announce- 
ment  in  the  /V/^w-^City-article  in  reference  to  this  undertaking.  wiU  &v: 
additional  satisfaction : — 

"Tb«tiroGoTerDniM.Uo/Gf*ttBriUln  uid  (h«  W"*  .?***"■  *""  ^I?^.!^ 

•elTM  to  the  enlprprtmj  br  •  ttwty  of  protection.     AW  Itj?  of'  "  "^  T 

It  tl«Mii»i  kdTKDUge.    Tlif  territory  arotmrt  K  will  "^o;'"' «'  .1. 

vhAOct,  hy  Uio  plQd««l  fAltUof  aU  clrHlAcd  n»il(.us,  strife  mu  i-^ 

This  will  be  tr)ing  the  Utopian  experiment— as  >uni  .d. 

strong-minded  men  of  Iho  world  call  it— of  a  treaty  of  v.  ;v 

on  the  small  scale.  To  be  sure  this  mav  not  answer  jus 
advocntes  of  peace  must  be  ciintcnt  m  tbe  mean  time  to  i 
the  strong-minded,  who  must  have  some  Ko.:><i  <^«>>'^"  "i-  n- 
struggling  upwards,  to  laugh  at  for  the  Umo  \y  '  '*• 

caps,  gas,  steam— no  nmtter  what.    Howcvfi  '"• 

tike  other  wonders,  may  ustouiah  their  strong  imuLh  un. 
for  all  their  present  exultation  at  behuldmg  the  Unue>  'l? 

Holstciners  cutting  each  other's  throats  lor  nonsense.  b..v...t  ■■■'•"" 
wUl  be  strong  minds;  they  will  chuckle  at  tlis  early  discourwimeutof 
a  good  cause ;  just  as  thev  will  make  sport  of  the  dwaaters  of  mi  mra- 
tion  in  its  infancy.  This  remark  is  not,  though  it  may  seem,  a  digrtMia; 
from  our  point;  which  is  the  fact-however  our  st^ittmeut  of  it  may  Bf 
hooted  and  groaned  at— that  the  conjunction  of  tlie  ALtantio  WlttlK 
Pacific  must  necessarily  have  a  peaceful  tendency. 

A   SVAaOKA3LB  &B5TIllZtfT. 

It  ii  sweet  to  hear  the  first  noUs  of  suburban  cuckoo ;  but  aweeter 
and  considerably  sweeter  Ibo  first  tinkling  of  tlie  muffin-bell 


ENGLAND  IN   1850  l-BURGLARS  CAROUSING. 


P0UCBIIA.N  Y  to  boose  is  gone, 

No  w»tch  patrols  the  lea. 
The  house  that  yonder  stands  alone 

Iniites  to  burglary. 
The  footpad  prowls  on  heath  and  fen, 

No  crusher  stops  his  way  : 
Uprouse  ye.  then,  my  merrr  merry  men, 

Tor  now  's  your  time  of  day. 
CAonw.— Uprouae  yc,  &c. 


Both  man  and  wife  are  fast  asleep. 

And  one  o'clock 's  the  hour ; 
Wc  ope  the  paue>  and  in  we  creep : 

Their  lives  are  in  our  power. 
The  county  grudges^  as  you  kcD, 

Constabularrpay: 
TJproose  ye.  then,  my  merrr  merry  men, 

Tor  now  *8  your  time  of  day. 
CAor%:  — Uprouse  yOj  Ac 


No  scream  of  "  Murder ! "  fear  we  now, 

'When  we  break  in  a  door ; 
Nor  watch-dog,  trained  with  loud  bow-wow 

To  guard  a  rich  man's  store. 
There  B  no  Police  to  mark  our  den. 

And  baulk  ua  of  our  prey : 
Uprouse  ye,  then,  my  merry  merry  men, 

And  plunder  as  ye  may. 

CAiwiu.— Uprouse  ye,  4jc 


^ 


^ 


^ 


«■ 


PUNCH  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABJ. 


179 


THE  EMPEROH  IN  A  BOTTLt. 

Ok«at  events  haTC  hern  sliadowct'.  •  [  ner.     Hens 

fc*Te  laid  epg?,  with  a  change  of  d)  characters, 

tfpOD  the  sben* ;  and  little  boys  have  mvu  t-^i  ;i  luu  wiui  vroida — pro> 
pfictic  word* — a^^partDt  hi  fhr  itm  of  thu  e)c  injine  yean  agu,  &  cliild 
appeared  rt  lb«  fi^yptmu  Hall,  urith  NAPOLEON  in  botlieyes,  a 
wonder  that,  now  lutcruretcd,  propbeaied  the  advent  of  the  French 
Frevident.  A  newer  and  Uier  wondflr  hjaa  oomo  to  light ;  Tor  a  Ixittlc 
of  cluuDpa^TU  opened  &t  the  review  «t  Vcr^illes,  wa&  found  to  contain 
a  comptete  cfBsry,  in  Filfle,  of  Loris.NApoi.Kos,  drcst  as  the  Emperor. 
Of  ociur*«^  we  could  not  expect  aavtbinfr  to  make  a  krf|«  Bfrure  in  so 
small  a  thin«  as  a  bottle — even  in  a  bottle  inU^ndcd  to  oonUun  imperial 
meaaure.  Tne  Bgrure  waa,  we  repeat,  extremely  amall,  but  who  con 
Biiitakc  the  design  ? 


FROM  AN  EX-LUNATIC  f6  xaa  DUKE  OP  ATHOLL. 

Mt  IvOrt)  Duke, 

With  a  feeUniP  of  tender  int*»h?st  I  adrfross  you.  Pardon  me, 
1  ftantwt  do oiherwisc.  I  fef I  my»elf  irreAintililv  fwlUd  m  to  yonr  cjise, 
and  (rivinit  myself  up  to  the  tnfluenc*,  cajiriof  oo  n(her\ri»e  than  fnncy 
myself  srflled  liesific  you  on  your  native  hratlier — the  ullp^»fan(*d 
lieather  of  f        "    "  '  '     ''nkt^and  li  -         "    ' 

Grace,  I  :  ilonate  sn 

am  watclu!.^  .....  —  ...ivc  the  moat  : ;.    ...  j.  .^:;.  i. ,....; 

your  Qmce's  pulse.  Will  your  OraM  oondesecnd  to  allow  me  to  look 
at  vour  tonj^ue  P    Thank  you. 

And  now,  my  Lord  Duke,  whilst  there  is  yet  trme,  le*  me  addr«S!r  to 
your  underBtandin^  a  brief  narration  of  my  own  eiperienre.     U  n  i-t  I 

doao.     Knowing  what  ha*  Iwfnlien  me— a  persnn    '  -\  verr  eon- 

tcAnptible  in  the  eyesof  yod»  and  nirn  in  compari-  r  granous 

wlf^you  mav  in  your  own  maje?(ic  mind  con«id'  or  not  the 

Mtne  sort  Of  Draio-work,  fed  by  the  same  blood,  touched  by  lire  same 
nerrca,  is  alike  common  to  IJukes  and  to  men  wtio  are  not  Dukes. 
mMMfittb^,  there  is— I  allow  it— the  like  difference  between  the  noble 
— the  hereditary  brain — and  the  brain  vuljcnr,  as  between  the  web  of 
the  finest  cambric  and  iherfjarsest  towelling;  ncvprtheless.  both  have 
the  like  cross-woHc  conslitulinK  web,  however  dilTt-rent  lite  tfUure. 
This,  up  to  the  present  hrnir,  even  your  Graee  nuiy  be  disposed  to 


f* 


NO  MORE  BABTIS  AT  THE  THEATRE. 

"Deaa  Sib. 

*'  I  AJC  a  bachelor,  and  ne<»ssarily  vptt  with  the  very  sensible 
obsenrations  you  made  two  weeks  ago,  upon  *  Babies  at  the  Plar/  I  do 
not  mind  confesslxw  that  babies  are  my  especial  horror,  and  I  believe 
they  regard  me  with  pretty  nearly  the  same  feelings,  for  a  babv  no 
aooner  sees  roe,  than  it  immediately  hepns  cr>in?r.  One  half  of  my 
esusteuce  has  been  spent  in  an  impUcable  warfare  with  ch'ditron— more 
especiaUy  those  tmder  twelve  months  of  age,  in  loni?  clothes. 

Thank  goodness !  my  exertions  have  not  been  totally  unrewarded. 
I  have  Uvea  to  witness  tne  eloriaus  day  when  they  were  first  excluded 
from  omnibuses.  Formerly  nabies  enjoyed  a  monopoly  in  every  'bus. 
They  could  come  in  in  any  numbers  they  pleased,  ooenpy  the  best  niarm, 
make  as  much  noise  as  they  liked,  and  never  pay  anything  for  the 
privilege.  Rut  at  length  came  the  triumphant  '  B.inre9  must  bi  Paid 
TOR.'  Siuce  then,  they  have  gradually  dropt  olT,  and  one  can  actually 
ride,  at  present,  from  Paddmgton  to  the  Bank  without  having  one's 
shirt-colUr  and  whisker  nearly  pulled  out  together  by  the  roots,  or  the 
symmetry  of  one's  wig  entirely  disturbed  by  having  the  back  part 
nought  right  in  front. 

"Now,  Sir,  1  would  recommend  the  application  of  the  same  law  to 
babies  af  the  theatre.  I  believe  that  at  present  no  charge  is  made  for 
a  habv  that  t5  carried  in  its  mother's  arms.  Hence  the  evil,  and  its 
abunaanoe.  But  if  a  babv  waa  charged  the  same  price  as  anytxxlv  else 
— and,  for  my  part,  1  would  hare  them  charged  double — you  would  not 
have  so  manj  mothers  indulging  in  this  unmotberly  practice.  They 
Would  le«ve  tbeir  babies  at  borne,  whioh  iS  certainly,  m  mr  opinion,  the 
best  place  for  them  at  all  times,  but  more  parlictuarty  at  tbat  time  of 
iHSght.  Only  recommend,  Sir,  (hat  over  every  gallery  and  pit  door  in 
Loorfon,  be  written  up,  as  in  every  omnibus,  the  fearful  warning, 
'Bajiiks  must  be  Paid  ros,'  and  jou  may  depend  upon  it,  frT>ni  that 
time,  a  baby  will  be  aa  rarely  seen  m  a  playhoQsc  as  a  Quaker,  or  the 
memoeis  of  the  Britiah  Axibtocracy. 

"  From  the  tenor  of  uy  obeervatiooa.  Sir,  you  will  at  once  be  able  to 


that  I  am 


Not  tub  Father  of  a  Fa^ilt." 


Ul)  I  . 

;  let  me  then,  whil:<t  there  may  yet  be  time,  warn  your  Omce  by 
lOrt  narration  or  my  own  aiory. 

tit  these  la*>t  fifteen  montbs — (I  bccao^a  iiomAnairtruble  last  dog- 
days  tvrlvcmooth,  when  the  moon  shone  on  niKhls  a5  mellow  alm^t 
as  fuddy  m  any  one  of  your  Grace's  red  gold  saJverB)- 1  have  oeen  an 
inmate  <jf  DftcTon  Strait's  Asylum,  Clapton.  At  lirst,  1  was  con- 
Ifdered  all  but  iacuruble;  but  phleboloiny,  blistering,  with  cool,  thin, 
depletimjt  diet,  has  brouight  me  nack  niv  brain.  I  am  confident,  netter 
than  new  I  only  remain  under  the  roof  of  Doctor  Stii.iit  until  my 
hair  is  quite  grown,  not  wishing  to  appear  among  my  friends  with  any 
visible  mark  of  my  past  lunacy,  and  having,  I  hope,  a  wholesome  and 
manly  objection  to  the  hypocnay  of  a  wig.  Ana  now,  your  Oraoa, 
listen  to  the  warning  contained  in  my  story. 

I  am  a  man  of  large  landed  property.  The  whole  of  Glen  Batteraea 
19  apart  of  my  present  estate ;  to  say  nothing  of  every  inch  of  the  lalo 
of  Homo  Darted  with— I  may  almost  say,  given  away  to  the  crown— 
for  a  consijieration.  'A  ell,  my  Ix>rd,  bein?  a  man  of  landed  property, 
I  considered  it  mine— mine  to  tlic  very  antipodes— all  mine,  under  my 
fieet ;  and,  as  1  Kiew  to  believe,  all  mine  over  my  head.  The  moon  that 
shone  on  Glrn  rasttersea  was  mv  own  moon ;  to  be  produced  or  put  by 
hlie  a  cheese  in  a  cupboard  as  twilled,  to  treat  myself  and  friends  :  the 
iters  burning  blue  above  Glen  Baliersea  were  my  own  lucifer  matches, 
bttn&ii^  to  light  my  own  cigars.  I  had,  as  I  believed,  a  very  extt?iisive 
neehold  in  heaven — although  I  had  Bcarcelv  time  to  think  of  the 
tenantr)*.  All  this  grew  in  me  every  day:  ana  after  a  while  1  became, 
as  I  thouj^ht,  so  large— «o  vast — that  I  was  too  immense  for  the  globe. 
I  had  at  tiroesa  weeping  companion  of  the  world;  for  like  a  cucumber 
growing  in  a  bottle,  I  fearca  that  my  greatness  aignt  out-giow  my 
limifs;  tbat  I  might  wax  and  wax,  until  I  split  the  whole  mundane  system, 
bringing  down  sun,  moon,  and  stura,  like  so  manv  pewter-platters  from 
a  kitchen  shelf.  But— thank  goodiie.ss !— your  Grace  has  none  of  these 
symptoms  yet :  no.  with  tye  on  yonr  eye,  and  my  fingers  still  on  your 
wrist,  I  am  assureo  of  that. 

My  anxious  friends — and  I  can  never  forget  the  solicitude  of  my 
nephew  sole  heir  to  my  property — became  alarmed  at  my  growing 
sense  of  magnitude.  However,  they  took  no  steps  toconflue  me  until  I 
manifested  the  following  delusion.  Every  day  1  would  walk  round 
Glen  Battersca  with  a  key  in  my  hand — an  iron  key,  my  X^rd  DiUtc,  not 
unlike  the  key  in  the  left  hand  of  the  naked  man,  vour  Grace's  crest — 
and.  psubing  at  every  hundred  vards,  with  this  kev  I  would  take  a 
resolute  turn  in  the  empty  air,  believing  that  I  had  thus  double-locked 
Gleu  Balterbea  (like  a  butler's  pantryt  against  all  men,  women,  and 
children;  and  resolving  to  treat  all  intruders,  after  such  rigorous 
double-locking,  aa  trespassers  and  burdars.  Ha!  vuur  Grace  s-niles  a 
pitying  smile  at  my  delusion ;  1  am  glad  to  sec  it.  Let  all  your  friends 
be  thankful  for  the  growing  couiciousness  of  ihat  srnile. 

The  fact  is,  your  Grace,  I  bad  in  Glen  Battersea,  as  I  believed,  a 
mag^iificent  variety  of  rabbits ;  single,  double,  and  buticrOy-smuts,  with 
the  flop-eared  ana  every  other  sort,  dear  to  the  fancier;  whereupon,  I 
resolved  that  my  rabbits  should  be  held  sacied  from  hummi  inlnistan. 
Lj>on  this  point,  I  was  inflexible ;  and  when  the  barge  of  the  Spectacle- 
Makers'  Compaoy.  during  a  heavy  stress  of  weather,  put  in  at  Kat- 
tersea  Reach,  I  ordered  the  Warden  and  all  the  Company  to  be  taken 
into  custody  by  my  gardener,  cook,  and  housemaid-  nor  could  I  be 
pacified  until  assured  br  those  faithful  domestics  tbat  tney  had  niardhed 
the  treapassera  beyona  the  Glen,  acro&s  the  boundary,  to  await  the 
^way  uL  VVimd:Worlh  They  tell  me,  that  I  had  a  aught  scuffic  with 
he  Master  Speciade-Maker;  but  of  this,  of  oouzse,  I  remember 
nothing. 

Well,  your  Grace,  not  to  be  tedious— although  your  sense  of  atten- 
tion gives  me  increaied  hopes — next  morning  I  was  coaxed  va.Ui*.^aaflw. 


^ 


\ 


coftob  and  soon  found  myself  here,  with  Doctob  Stkajt,  at  CUpton. 
After  a  time,  1  ceased  to  be  violent ;  when— «o  wise,  so  homanc,  so 
beneficent  is  the  system  perfected  by  the  nobte  Doctor  Conollt — I 
was  permitted,  for  anmsemcnt,  to  hare  the  use  of  scissors  and  any 
amount  of  foolscap  paper.  Thus  set  up,  1  did  nothiuK  for  monthfl,  but 
out  out  ffTound  plans  of  Glen  Battersea;  with  thousands  of  every 
variety  oi  rabbit ;  together  with  a  beautiful  moon,  a  nicely  vandvked 
sun,  and  stars  to  match — all,  all  in  paper.  And  then,  I  cut  myseli  out 
a  coronet  of  the  same  ouiterial,  (and  once  docked  mv  trowscrs  to  the 
knee,  and  opened  the  inner  seams  to  flap  as  a  sort  of  kilt)— and  then, 
with  an  imaginary  key  in  my  hand,  would  walk  round  and  round  my 
chamber,  cootinuaUy  locking  up  the  empty  air,  and  believing  that 
so  looking.  I  locked  up  Glen  Battersea  and  all  my  rabbits. 

My  return  to  reason  was  gradual ;  but— they  tell  me — it  is  complete. 
A  put  of  the  difcipline  was  curious,  but  very  effectual.  Wheu  my 
lunacy  was  at  the  worst,  I  was  taken  to  tlie  side  of  a  hill,  and— 
wearmg  the  proper  waistcoat — was  laid  upon  the  grass  and  left  out  all 
night :  my  head  shaved  anew,  and  nobody  with  me  but  a  solitary 
keeper,  charged  at  certain  periods,  to  wet  my  lips  with  the  thinnest 
oatmeal  porridge,  and  now  and  then  permitting  me  to  take  a  hearty 
draught  of  decoction  of  thistles.    Your  Grace  can  hardly  believe  in  the 


efficacy  of  this  treatment.  Should  aov  friend  of  yoon  in  tout  parts  be 
afflicted  with  anything  like  mr  late  delusion^  do  try  upon  Dim  the  hill- 
side, the  porridge,  and  the  Dcewage  of  thistles.  I  say  etuphalically, 
"any  friend  of  yours,"  for  how  I  have  great  pleasure  in  acknowledging 
in  your  Grace's  looks,  speech,  and  demeaoouTj  the  sanest  and  most 
tolerant  Duke  of  all  tiic  realm  of  dukedom.  However,  as  the  mad 
young  woman  says  in  Hamttt—"  We  know  wlmt  vre  are,  but  we 
know  not  wjiat  we  may  be."  Therefore,  in  case  of  any  relapse,  remem< 
ber— the  hill-side  and  the  thistles. 

I  hye  the  honour  to  remain. 

Your  Grace's  lucid  Servant,  As  £x-LvsaTio. 

P.S.  I  do  not  give  my  name,  because  as  I  am  about  to  stand  for 
Parliament,  the  electors  might  have  a  prejudice  against  a  tate 
madman 


I 


P.S.  No.  2.  What  is  the  meaning  of  your  motto,  Furth,  and  fiH  fkt 
fetters  t  Had  it,  think  you,  anv  propuetic  reference  to  the  mental 
conditions  of  any  future  Atholl  t  The  key  of  the  crest  is,  of  conise, 
not  to  be  mistaken — that  is  the  key  to  lock  up  against  all  tr^paasera 
the  air  "encasing"  Glen  Tilt.  fit-L. 


:>i^*7.-%;v 


v:^. 


miW'\ 


m  \'\\ 


.^'■""^ii;  li  :'t:  •!«!/.(  )i''i 


A    SCOTCH    DOG   IN    THE   MANGEB. 


I 


CAUTION. 

As  there  is  a  person  very  generally  going  about,  assuming 
the  name  of  one  Geoboe  Hudson,  who  pretends  to  bo  a  perfectly 
tpotlcss  character,  and  a  poor  iniurcd  being,  who  has  received  notliing 
but  abuse  und  ill-will  from  aQ  the  oompaniea  be  has  benefitted, 
and  iufp-atitude  from  the  innumerable  railway  shareholders  whom  he 
has  ennched  with  moneys  taken  out  of  his  own  pocket :  This  is  to  givi 
Notice,  that  I  am  not  that  Mr.  George  Hcnsos.  and  tliat  there  is 
nothing  in  common  hctwern  him  and  mo ;  and  1  do  hereby  trust,  hope, 
and  rcijuest,  not  merely  as  a  favour,  but  as  an  act  of  common  justice, 
which  thwe  who  know  me  will  readily  trrant,  that  my  friends,  the 
nobility,  and  the  public  in  general,  will  take  care  not  to  confound  me 
with  such  an  arrant  impostor  as  the  aforesaid  GzoROK  Hunsoy  but 
that,  out  of  respect  to  me  and  my  reputation,  they  will  treat  his  fabri- 
oationi  with  the  contempt  they  deserve. 

(Signed)  George  HoMoy, 

{EK-Bailwi$  King), 


MR.  PUNCH'S  REGISTERED  DESIGNS. 

Tux  Copyright  Amendment  Act,  passed  last  Session,  allows 
to  be  provisionally  retristered  for  a  year,  which  will  secure  the  beiMCs 
of  the  design  to  toe  proprietor.  Mr.  Punch  has  registered  a  deal^  to 
procure  an  equitable  adjustment  of  the  income-tax,  and  a  repeal  of  t^ 
window-tai,  a  design  to  confer  Ihe  elective  franchise  nn  every  honest 
man  who  is  intelligent  enough  to  exercise  it,  and  several  oilier  dfjigu 
of  ^at  value  ana  import-ancc.  Mr.  Punch,  however,  Itas  no  idea  «f 
securiug  the  benefit  of  one  of  these  magnificent  designs  ho\c\y  for 
himself,  but  intends,  with  his  accustomed  liberality,  tliat  tne public ihall 
eiuoy  all  the  advantages  that  can  be  derived  from  tnem. 


LATEST  LAW  A0A1N9T  THE   PBESS. 

The  children  of  all  editors  and  writers  for  the  French  Press,  mast 
henceforth  be  signed  with  the  names  of  the  authors  of  their  existence. 
— Extraii  dn  Momteur, 


i^ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


181 


w 


THE  GRAND  NATIONAL  CONCEBTS. 

(Ay  our  Impartial  Critic.) 

JTRTD  by  an  wJvertiacmeat  much 
exceeding  in  grandiloqurnce  the 
last  puff  of  MoSKS,  I  ncnt  to  bear 
the  grand  Nationiil  Concerts  at 
Her  Majesty's  Theatre,  on  the 
second  night  of  performanoe. 

I  paid  my  holt-crown  for  a  stall, 
like  a  man — I  mean,  like  a  fooL  I 
took  it  for  erantea  that  the  pro- 
menade voiud  be  crammed:  out 
I  learned — at  the  cost  of  1'., 
vhich  was  the  difference  between 
the  promenade  and  stall  prices — 
that  I  must  not  take  things  for 
granted. 

My  eye,  instead  of  alighting  on  a  sea  of  beads,  fell  on  comparalire 
vacancy,  reliered  by  two  policemen  in  glazed  hats,  leaning  against  a 
sort  of  isolated  stile  that  stood  between  the  orchestra  and  the  aide- 
bratea. 

The  decorations  of  the  honse  deliehted  me  with  their  extreme 
simplicity.  The  absence  of  the  bush,  I  thought,  betokened  that  the 
wine  would  be  good.    Seeing  no  fiUsfree.  I  expected  to  hear  music. 

The  entertainment  mainljr  consisted  of  BBETHOVBH*fl  SiMfonia  HeroitM. 
divided  into  two  part*,  between  wliich  intervened  a  sucoeasion  ol 
frivolities,  all  insufferably  tedious  to  me,  and  unredeemed  by  anything 
of  the  slightest  interest,  except  Roderi,  toijue  /uiJiw— very  beautifully 
played,  in  the  course  of  a  fantasiaj  by  Mr.  Putti. 

Don  t  tell  me  to  consult  a  medical  man,  or  to  take  a  blue-pill.  I  am 
not  bilious;  nor  was  1  then.  It  is  nonsense  to  talk  about  a  jaundiced 
ear,  of  course ;  but  I  had  nothing  of  the  sort.  The  orchestra  which 
performed  all  that  rubbish  was  &  magnificent  one,  and  played  the  fine 
symphony  of  Bkethove?!,  as  far  as  I  could  judge,  gloriously. 

But  whMt  is  the  sense  or  wisdom  of  setting  a  first-rate  band  to 
aooompany  wretched  ballads,  and  to  execute  the  most  unmeaning  pieces 
of  coTomonplace  dance-music,  which  n  harp,  a  drum,  iuid  a  fiddle  would 
do  abundant  justice  to?  You  might  as  well  have  Mb.  Macbeadt,  Mb, 
Phelps,  and  Ma.  Vandenhoff,  and  suchlike  artists,  to  read  vaude- 
villes from  the  French— I  had  ahnost  said,  to  play  the  Merry-Andrew 
in  the  rin«  at  Mr.  Battt's. 

Then,  dividing  the  heroic  symphony  is  doing  thin^  by  halvM ;  and 
filling  up  the  interval  with  ball-tunes  and  sing-son^,  is  iust  equivalent 
to  playmg  Miichfth  in  two  portions,  and  introducing  Dctwecn  them  a 
burlctta,  a  farce  or  two,  and  a  monopolylogue,  or  the  acrobats. 

Mb.  Balje  and  his  splendid  orchestm  may  command  success,  if  their 
directors  will  play  their  cards  as  well  as  they  themselves  will  play  their 
violins,  ftc.  We  ore  not  a  Midar  of  a  puhhc,  and  if  our  youne  sparks 
in  to  be  captivated  by  the  Polka's  ponderous  levities,  the  Polka,  with 
its  accessories— illuminations,  statues,  gon^,  blue-fire,  gilding,  re^eah- 
mzoX-taUm,  coffee,  aad  pom:ke  a  la  Jlomauie — must  oe  the  stunning, 
screaming,  flare-up  (out-cnsemdU  of  the  unapproachable  Jullien.  The 
attempt  to  nval  that  man  of  genius  must  be  a  failure ;  but  if  Messba. 
Balte  and  Co.  will  turn  their  attention  to  other  jn-eat  masters,  whose 
style  is  more  iu  their  way,  I  have  no  doubt  they  wul  soon  obtain  better 
aodiences  than  that  of  which  your  humble  servant  formed  port  the 
other  evening,  at  the  irreparable  sacrifice  of  half-a-crown. 


THE  FIRE  ANNTHTLATOR. 


Mb.  Philuts  threMcna  to  put  out  all  the  Fire  Assoranco  Offices. 
There  arc  men,  whom  we  could  name— men  both  East  and  West  of  the 
Bar— who,  in  our  patriotic  moments,  have  caused  us  much  uneasiness, 
when  we  reficctea  upon  wtiat  they  could,  if  they  so  minded,  do  with 
the  Thumea.  Well,  wu  have  read  tnc  account  of  Ma.  PuiLLirc's  fire- 
annihilating  power,  and  we  snap  our  fingers  in  security.  Even  Sib 
Peteb  Laurie  is  narmless,  and  the  Thames  is  safe.  Here  is  a  barge 
bluing: 

"  A  number  of  materUU  were  tilM«d  Id  the  bold,  as  twmDtioo.  wltpetre,  vood, 
ibairlnKS,  itTmir,  uid  lueh  Uka  wUDbiuUblea,  and  Mt  An  lo.  The  chemical  vapocr  vu 
istradueed  aA«r  Um  tin  had  beao  allowad  to  burn  fonr  mlnat4s  and  a  hall^  and  In  thrM 
minnttti  and  a  half  Um  vbola  tu  ntiogalibed." 

So  far  BO  good;  but  a  g[reat  triumph  remains  to  be  achieved  by 
Mb.  Pmixips.  hti  him  witliout  delay  remove  his  Fire-Aimihilator 
into  the  Diocese  of  the  BiSHor  or  Exxteb  :  a  diocese  fuli  of  com- 
bustible matter,  continually  igniting.  At  the  late  consecration  of  the 
church  of  St.  Peter,  at  Plymouth,  the  power  of  the  Firo-Annihilator 
might  have  been  instantly  tested.  However,  there  is  little  doubt  that 
another  opportunity  will  soon  aose,  when  if  the  Fire-Aimihilator  put 
out  a  pBiLPorrs,  the  glory  of  the  invention  is  complete ;  all  other  tests 
being  needless.  

"His  FnuT  Champagne."— Lotns-NApoLEOs'sreview at  Versailles. 


LORD  STANLEY  AND  THE  BOSWORTH  FIELD 
or  PROTECTION. 


TiiH  DcKB  or  R— cHii— mt 
Tna  MAoiyna  or  OHAVar 
Ma.  CnovLia  . 

Mjl  Youkq 


JiM€ttff. 
.    .        Metwemffr. 

Duh.  0  Chowler,  1  have  read  a  fearfid  Bpee<^ ! 
What  thinkest  thou,  will  all  our  chiefs  prove  true  P 

Chotel.  Hope  so,  your  Grace. 

Duke.  CiiowLEE,  I  fear,  I  fear,— 

Ckoiei.  Naw,  good  my  lord,  don't  be  afeard  o'  language. 

Dukf.  By  on  apostate  Lord  language  I  'vc  rwd 
Tliat  strikes  more  terror  to  the  soul  of  Lenkox, 
Thau  can  the  cUmour  of  a  thousand  Leaguers 
Armed  in  proof,  address*d  to  "shallow  KicuvovD." 
•Tis  not  yet  Session  time.     Come,  go  with  me ; 
Under  our  camp  I  'U  play  the  c-aves-dropper, 
To  hear  if  more  intend  to  rat  from  me. 

«  •  •  *  • 

Wliat  did  DiSBAiLT  any  a.<i  touching  CouiiBN? 

Chotcl.  That  he  has  never  whistled  at  the  plough. 

l>uh.  He  said  the  truth.    And  what  said  Sibtbokf  tlien  P 

ChowL  He  winked,  and  said,  the  better  for  our  iraipofte. 

Duki.  He  was  i'  the  right  •  and  that,  indeed,  's  a  tact.    [Ai'v  Mi. 
Send  for  the  Timen  there.    Bring  me  a  newspaper. 
Who  saw  the  Fott  to  doy  ? 

Chowl.  Not  T,  Tour  Grace. 

Duke.  They  say  our  prints  don't  suinc ;  for  by  their  book 
Wo  ought  to  nave  been  ruined  long  ago. 
A  fool's-cap  there  will  be  for  someboay. 
Chovoeb,— 

Chtmi,       Your  Grace  ? 

Duke.  Our  prints  arc  very  sad  to-day ; 

And  Puneh  doth  rhvme  and  jest  upon  our  army. 
"Would  all  our  brcaa  were  grown  on  British  ground  I 
Our  prints  so  sad !    Well ;  what  is  that  to  me, 
More  than  to  Cobden  F — for  the  self-same  papen 
That  sadden  me,  prate  dismally  to  him. 

Enier  Qraxbi. 

Of  an.  Arm,  arm,  your  Grace ;  the  foe  vaunts  in  the  field. 

Dike.  Come,  business,  business !     Register  my  votea. 
Stir  up  that  Stanley  with  the  hope  of  power : 
I  will  bring  up  my  tenants  to  the  scratch. 
And  thus  our  contest  shall  be  ordered : 
My  arguments  shall  be  drawn  out  iu  length, 
Consistinf  equallv  of  sense  and  truth ; 
Our  speakers  shall  be  cheered  in  the  midst. 
Thou,  Gbji5bt'8  Marquis,  and  bold  Colonel  Sebthob?, 
Shall  have  the  leading  of  the  county  'sguires. 
This,  and  Sul  John  to  boot !    What  think'st  thoa,  Gbakbt  P 

Qnm.  A  wise  arrangement,  sapient  nobleman. 
This  bad  I,  sent  br  post  this  morning.  [Qit^A  a  paper, 

Duke  (Seadi).  *^  Mabquis  or  Gbakbt.  be  not  so  bold, 
For  Liiraox,  thy  leader,  is  done  and  soltL" 
A  joke  devised  by  the  enemy. 

•  «  •  •  • 

What  shall  I  say  more  than  you  've  often  heard  P 

Remember  whom  you  have  to  strive  withal, — 

A  sort  of  weavers,  tailors,  and  shoemakers, 

A  scum  of  Cockneys,  and  base  cotton-spinners,  &c.  fto.  Ac 

•  •  •  •  • 

Spout,  land-owners  of  England,  spout  fiercely,  landlords  I 
Draw  Ferranm,  draw  your  arrows  to  the  head ! 
Press  your  statistics  hard,  and  plunge  in  mud, 
Amaw:  the  public  that  shall  hear  yon  rave ! 

fEriffr  a  Messenger. 
What  sara  Lord  Stanlet  ?    Will  he  lend  his  power  P 

Men.  Torn-  Grace,  he  doubteth  if  he  'U  come. 

Duie.  Bother  his  own  and  his  son*a  head ! 

Oram.  Your  Grace,  the  Parliament  will  meet  in  M^roh ; 
After  it  opcus,  serve  Lord  Stanlet  out. 

Dtihf.  Ten  thousand  jxjunds  are  nothing  to  my  pocket. 
Read  up  vour  Sfandara,  pitch  into  our  foes ; 
Cor  country  friend,  good  Tykrell,  stout  Sir  Johv, 
Abuse  them,  with  tnc  rare  of  fiery  dragons ! 
Upon  them !    'Squirearchy  edta  on  our  behns.  [Awm^, 


LAST  BAXXOOV  NBVS  TBOM  PABia. 

YiflTBHDAT  M.  PoiTETiK  made  an  ascent  on  the  bachof  a  dsi»M^ 
dary.    The  dromedary  went  np  with  an  «» . 


PUNCH,  OR  im  M)NDON  CHAEIVAEL 


4  EEFLECTIDN. 

"  Mow  CKBE  PUUCH,  ,         .       i.  T  w 

"I  am  Olio  Fraoohjnwi— 1  beg  jou  no  lauRh,  if  I  soml  to  ^rou 
my  liltel  count  of  my  infortimcs.  I  aiii  in  one  preat  rfcsc— so  big  1 
cuinot  hold  myacif— and  om  rtduecd  to  the  tjottom  of  despair. 

"  I  arrive  a  I.</ndw  hjf  the  rA^n'n  de/ff:  I  take  one  wbirh  you  call 
cab.  I  put  on  lujself  my  spcctacels.  I  pUce  out  my  bead  of  the 
window— </  roiia  que  one  Utte!  Qamin  Ibrowfl  at  my  nose  one  largje 
paquet  of  papier*.  I  ilinOa*  lose  my  bead  with  the  hltiw— and  Trbicli  is 
above  that,  I  almost  lose  nlso  my  Bperlaerla  whicb  w  in  gold.  Rut  wliat 
is  twice  worse  still  is  to  come.   I  put  my  head  out  of  the  other  wintl«->w. 


1  desire  to  see  /c  ceifbrt  pont  de  Lofufrf.^    imt  Sir 
m  toe  figure  one  iremeudous  bundel  ot 


believe  me,  one  ffrund  6 
I  say  *  Boujour  Slister 


1^  de  LoM^rf^ 
•ky  ffuardr 

and  then,  wu 


meat  I  never  do  rereivc  before  out  of  the 

1  did  smell  myuelfT^a  me  senlaii—f-'  ' 

the  air  with  my  cries— 1  swear  w^. 

behind.    I  ag^tiu  put  out  my  head  c: 

and  tliat  side  and  uU  sides,  I  did  get  ijai>er«  and  bill  . 

queU,  hundreils  thrown  all  together  at  me  in  my  face,  and 


and  p(/*^»s 
pa^vrijf,  uunareiis  lurown  au  njgcmcr  m  nu:  m  mj  luce,  and  1  dt 
back  smothered  on  my  bank  without  knowledge  for  ten  minutes.    Oh  ! 


you  htJiere  Die,  or  no 

i  be  smiles  to  me,  and 

ne  w*)rd,  ho  pUmU  uie 

^  nnc  trcat- 

OIl  Sir. 

f  ■!='{  tear 

.  .-f   IS 

■  I.      ■  ■     i  ■  -  ^.idc. 

and 

do  fall 


I 


Sir,  I  was  eompletdy  out  of  myself  with  the  indiffmU,  and  not  that 
only,  hut  I  was  nearly  out  of  the  cab  also ! 

It  i»  tof)  bad.  Sir !  Is  it  so  am  I  treated  be.cauae  I  am  the  stranger? 
AwM  ce  ea^j  eeit  piioyal/^e,  tresi  honieuj^  c'ni  kumiliafU^  ce*l  meme 
fcroMHt  /  £n<<laiui,  X  cry  stuime  on  him  !  Whatforc,  I  can  no  come 
to  your  belle  cite  without  I  nm  wanting  to  lose  my  hat,  my  spectaceU, 
my  tertittife  iTame,  and  1  sliall  tell  to  Ioub  mes  cit opens  when  1  return 
myself  into  Fraace,  that  you  do  pelt  each  Frenchmaii  worse  than  the 
most  mad  do?  that  biie.i.  It  ift  a  rojv^M^  without  paraiUie.  I  shall 
write  my  complaints  to  your  Lord  PiiMMisTOifB,  aud  ask  for  my 
passport  without  delay  of  one  minute. 


"And  these  papers,  what  they  be 
your  paituetn  that  they  shcmid  be  thr 


know,  Sir!     What  are 
L'aJs  of  e/i.ch  Stranger 


1  will  tell  you  !   They  was  about  the  '  I  I'mfre-fjlr^i, — what  you 

call  him,  Sir,  BIma  S/omflrh—has  it  thtn  been  eoniing  to  this?  Does  a 
Frenchman  come  to  Luudon  to  follow  the  '  Fashions?' — the  Freuclimon 
him  what  does  suimty  it  mt>n4t  ititier  wiih  thera  m  ffrot  ft  m  detail! 
And  then,  beoaiue  ae  will  not  run  after  your '  Fasliiuns,'  you  run  after 
him,  comme  d$$  mmvage*,  ana  pelt  biin  all  the  way  M-itb  tliem.  [  cry 
aloud  to  Scandal,  and  I  only  hope  she  will  hear  me.  You  throw  your 
' Temple  of  Fatthiou*  at  me;  you  tiirow  your  'Moses/  and  a 
Quantity  of  other  aakti^s  in  mv  feco.  WoU.  Sir,  I  throw  back  in  your 
(ace  the  iuhumau  iufuU.  aad  do  t«U  ymi  tbst  I  witi  nok  have  your 
'  Temple  *  to  disfiger  my  forehead— that  I  will  not  have  your  '  MoACS  ' 
foroea  down  my  throat,  ^t  at  no  price.    CIr  mtw  wJme  fnf  Herm  rien. 

"Onoe  in  my  hotel  m  Leicester  Square,  I  shall  certainly  write  a 
voirt  fameus  Lord  Fummutone,  and  demand  him  to  refuse  at  his 
peril,  my  passport ! 

"  Sir,  I  am  in  a  ?reat  tremble  of  pasnoo, 

"Hectob  GaoGxuj),  y^oct4uU  m  Cmrs." 


PONTIFICAL  NEWS. 

His  Kmiuenec  Caudinax  Paittalboke,  Lfg»te  of  His  Holinesa,  hu 
arrived  at  lb«  tiolden  Crosa,  Cbsjing  Cross  :  and  is  bearer  of  a  meaaaM 
Lo  the  Chief  of  the  British  Government,  demanding  the  oanal  acino^- 
Icdgmeut  on  the  part  of  the  Sovereign  of  Qrcat  Britain,  which  h««  been 
always  and  from  all  lime  a  fief  of  the  Holy  Sec. 

In  case  of  obstinate  recusancy^  (which  is  not  apprehended}  ' 
nence  is  commissioned  to  prodaim  the  Pkikce  op  Lucca  as  ; 
of  these  Islands,  the  prince  being  direct  and  nndoubtcd  dew^njni 
tho<e  legitimate  monarchs  of  England,  who  were  driren  by  rebcUioi 
one  lu  £&Ui,  and  the  other  to'cule,  from  their  oeighbonrioff  pal] 
WhitehftU. 


H  S.NOOKa,  Lord  Cli»ncrUgr 
resigned.    But  the  OC 
■  lasUcs  in  Engtuul  JD 
^Vfrf^iKswill  take  hw^) 
,.  _..^^_..a:ut  of  next  term. 
Driiii^, 

His   HnKness  has  conferred  upon  Moksiohor  Snccchi.  the  new 

Lord  Chancellor  of  England,  the  title  of  Manjuis  Saint  BarthobmC^i't 
of  Smirllf|<^kl.  Di0ro4i  Hama. 


The  Holy  Father  \\w 

ofEllgUtld,  t:i,y  L'iBJ-i 

of  J.-'M  '  '".         I!ur  wus  iiiv. 
Kood  f  Church,  n^ 

in  thiL  L*«-..,v^«j:'5  Court  al  i 


he 


Lodgings  hare  been  taken  in  the  New  Cut,  Lambeth,  for  his  Gi 
Ute  Lotii)  AHCHmenop  iir  Vaixuall,  until  the  (li!utar>   *  ■ 
or  CAKTfcR»ritY  has  vacated  the  pahioe  which  belong  ■ 
primates  of  England. 

Mk.  ScntCHKR  has  been  offered  (he  ptaoe  of  Parish  beadle,  wiftfii  ^  is 
believed  he  will  accept.       

The  K{«UT  Ubveuknd  Uouikic  BaREfOor,  Bishop  oS  Pal<»glo», 
\<\rkt^  over  the  outside  of  London  House  in  St.  Jamee  s  8au«re  Toy/f- 
day,  and  thence  proreetled  by  tlie  Clninibus  to  Folham.  hie  torn|np*> 

rc-siilrii  \'  ni-.nr  Tondfrn. 

V'ii'  '  riiii  lordship's  acoom  > 

the  r<  .    rary  residence.  No.  ^  .     . 

liane,  i  uint'y,  over  uxe  iiiunniiiirn!  s,  where  the  faithful  wIm)  wwc  w 
attend  1^  levees  will  please  to  ring  tlu:  two-pair  bell. 


Yery  few  alterations  will  be  requisite  iu  the  churchy  of  fh9  l^coh 


I 


nf  P.-n-,l 


!nfl)  wiM  he  iTivrn  nviT  fn  ihn  tiri 


^10*1» 


krnu 

in   ^'  I 
arran^i'iiiciii>j 

that 

at  the  Bu 


bu  iia  lu  Mill   u 


]jh.-m;ui  tuui.- 


myniljff  Uat,  ihv    '-'' 
Winking  it  ^ 
-0ftrn6rB,aiM 
h,  were  instaipliy  cu«avucfctti 


si,.;.>»  V-- 


rlewen. 


Ma.  MoKT/  and  Cnr/>NEi,  Sibthobp  'nation  t« 

become  Capnehin  frian> ;    and    it  is  '  hat    the 

members  for  Aldhury  and  Otilbam  arc  m  nrirrai  [)rpviuii»  in  leeeivn^ 
the  tonsure. 

The  cathedral  church  of  Saint  Peter,  in  "Wc-stminster,  will,  of  oouise, 
be  restored  and  resumed  by  its  rigbtfiil  proprietor?:  hut  it  is  not 
int<--i; '  f^eleuastical  ub»"  ••■      ■  huih 

erfC  the  sncimt  Bn^  Lndi 

Hill,  (ippnsiir  In  i'^Kis's  tea  wjirehoiiM  .     \\  r.  vuiMTi-uuid  MadjA 
Tcs.'tAUD  is  in  trcflfy  for  it,  ruid  will  exhibit  her  in(rerions  w«i-worti 
there,  at  a  price  lil  tic  differing  from  the  present  charges. 


The  residence  of  the  Primate  of  EagUt^d  will  b«  oppoiita  the  Hot 
Cathedral  Church  of  St.  GeorgeVm-the-Fields ;  ana  the  Falacc  « 

Beula¥  wiU  be  prepared  for  him. 


The  Very  Worct  that  waa  eTOf  Kadih 

WuT  is  fcxeter  Hall,  or  the  Gorham  controversy,  or  Dm  |Iti^Ba^ 
Oobt  during  ik  Whkr  Adminifitratlon,  or  the  king  in  a  tive~aof  trafedf. 
or  a  supper  of  ooUl  Irish  stew,  like  a  person  g*tling  inside  ftn  onmibaa 
that  ia  Retail  to  Xewf 
IJM  initrwml  (fim  miifU*  is  atlomd  to  makU  IV  Mai«- 10  laAi#  inwAl. 

Because  ft 'a  as  meuboe  UH-Kac-Bm^, 


I 


Shop  ! — It  may  be  a  pre|udice,  but  wo  moat  say  we  do  not  like  secmg 
a  tea^icaLcr  taking  the  chaur  at  a  teetotal  meetiag  1 


PUNCH.   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


183 


BDBBEBIE8  WHICH  THERE  IS  NO  NOISE  ABOUT. 

^vsT  Qow  much  excitement  is  prevalent 
on  account  of  the  numerous  burglaries 
wb'ch  have  been  comniitt^  of  la(«  : 
bnt  the  robberies  vhieh  have  provokea 
a  universal  outcry  arc  notliina;  to  those 
which  are  submitted  to  in  silence.  Be- 
tween the  Qnrprnment,  the  Prcrwative 
OfGce.  tlw  Proctor,  and  the  officials. 
Ie*ut«e*  are  robbed  in  the  EcelesiasticAl 
Court  to  the  amount  of  three  or  four 
percent  An  inventor,  before  be  can 
secure  the  )>enefit  of  his  own  device, 
is  pUindered  tr>  the  tune  of  some  £400 
in  the  I'atcnt  Office. 

The  hou-"t>"l-''"''>  rk/./.l-<«t  jj  pioked 
by  nicans  i  Vhxes,  as  at 

present  It'  '■    tradesman, 

.Mtist,  or  author,  with  i^  Iatcc  family, 
h\:-A^  irom  hand  to  moatt — if  the 
roguM    who    coDiniii    ''  '         '- 

tions  can  onljr  find    - 
£153  a-year— is  snljt.  _ ,  ,  .    i 

tion  io  the  shjtpe  of  $a  ooequal 
iucoiue-taz. 


A  PRIVATE  PROTECTIONIST  DINNER. 

A  sxALLbut  select  party  of  Protectionists  dined  toother  yesterday 
at  liOBD  Slidt;  and  RrALK's.     Anions  the  ^eets  were  the  Eajil  or 

Mo'-'-M 1..  (he  Mapqi'kss  or  Granary,  Vi»cocnt 'WirKATriBLD, 

Sii  .5;  andCoRSEUUS  BaRLCB  and—  OateSj  Eaqra.— with 

thf  r  r-  ladies. 

The  (^(Xh  having  been  removed,  After  the  usual  oommon-pUoe 
obwrvatioM,  ,,    .  . 

Sir  SiMorf  Eaw.  without  risina)  proposed  a  toast.  If  their  noble 
host  had  no  nhjrction,  and  the  ladies  would  not  think  it  too  horrid  a 
breach  of  bifNseanff,  he  would  ask  them  to  driiJc  "  Confusion  to  Free 
Trade." 

Mr.  Vujjsondt  was  sure  that  the  proceedinj;  suwtested  by  Sir  6tMoir 
could  in  no  sense  be  regarded  aa  an  offence  against  Makkebs.  iOA,  okf 
and  mild  taugkitir.) 

Tucoimrrss  WHZATriXLD  declared  it  waa  quite  dre«dfuL  She  did 
not  mean  the  toast,  bat  Free  Trade,  and  that  sort  of  thing. 

The  noble  host  said  it  was  exact  ly  so ;  and  in  point  of  fact  it  was 
'*  that  sort  of  ttiiiiflr "  wUidi  was  the  most  objectionable  part  of  the  affair. 
"That  sort  of  thing"  was  tlie  social  change  that  would  follow— effad ! 
WM  following— in  the  wake  of  Free  Trade.  Mr.  Thohab  Cahltlk 
was  rery  severe  upon  Vlunkcrdom ;  but  nve  him  Fluokeydom  rather 
than  Yankeedom,  into  which  he  feared  English  society  was  fast 
degeneruling.  , ,     t^    , 

The  MAnqiis  tiF  Grakabt  was  eiactJy  of  the  noble  Earl's  opouon. 
The  immediate  effect*  of  Free  Trade  were  of  little  consequence,  com- 
pwatively.  Competition  would  keep  up  rent.  Yea  ;  but  competition 
woUd  bring  a  totally  new  set  of  fiumers  into  the  occupation  of  land— a 
ptrodof  independent  fellowa  wbo  would  treat  the  relation  bt^weeu 
landlord  and  tenant  simply  as  a  commercial  one.  and  would  see  you  at 
the  deuce  befon  Umt  would  vote  your  way  it  they  didn't  thiok  fit. 
What  would  be  the  eonsequcuce  ? 

CoENELivs  Uablee,  Esq.,  said,  the  conscauence  would  be  Ihai  the 
Uw  of  primogtui  lure— for  one  thing— would  be  abolisbedi  for  the  new 
raoo  of  fanners  would  be  a  part  of  the  &1u>pkccpiug  interest,  and  your 
■h^^^Mmnrtt  would  Want  to  get  at  l-Ue  Una  of  lue  country,  in  order  to 
be  pwdmair  confounded  debld.  And  tiicn  whikt  would  the  nobility  and 
gentry  do '' 

Yi&couNT  Wheathku)  should  send  all  his  bora  into  the  army. 

Lpro  Slide  aku  Scale  said,  that  by  Jove  toert  would  be  wo  army 
to  send  children  into  by-£»ud-by,  with  those  peaoe-aolioiis  cyntiuually 
gaining  ground.  He  lioped  he  should  not  live  to  see  it,  but  if  tiling^ 
went  OD  as  they  were  going  on  now,  their  grandchildren  wouhl  have 
to  be  apprentioed  to  lioendrapers  and  tailort,  as  ^urc  as  fate. 

The  HoN'oriuBLE  Mi£s  Faddux  would  not  think  of  aucb  a  thing— 
the  idea  waa  so  abockiug !  ™    ,     .     , ,  ,     , 

Mb-  Oates  saw  clearly  that,  ^  Free  Trade  should  lead  to  doing  awav 
witli  entails,  there  would  soon  be  an  end  of  the  old  families  of  Englani 

A  gentlemau  named  Hiccs,  who  tu^tpeucd  to  be  of  the  party,  siu- 
geaUd  that  it  was  possible  that  an  old  family  might  perpetuate  itself 
by  nroper  conduct,  as  well  aa  an  old  firm. 

DoftD  Slide  and  Scale,  though  he  did  not  quite  like  the  comparison, 
certainly  thought  there  was  something  in  that. 

The  conversation  then  turned  on  the  last  larg4  cut  in  Punchy  and 
the  distinguishad  oompany  separated  at  a  Duhionaule  hour. 


A  COSMOPOLITE  MOn^O  FOR  THE  EXHIBITION 
or  1861. 

Mm.  Paxton.  in  his  speech  at  Derby,  which  bad  sound,  strong  sense 
running  like  gold  threaa  through  every  word  of  It,  let  fall  a  sentence, 
that,  in  letters  nf  coloured  glass,  should  appear  over  the  doors  of  the 
peat  crystal  palace.  He  said-"  He  believed  it  was  a  good  tiling  to 
have  the  roncoit  taken  out  of  us.  He  had  often  had  it  taken  out  of 
Kim,  but,  the  next  morning,  he  starxed  with  new  vigour,  and  a  greater 
determination  to  reach  success."  A  capitAl  truth,  n-ith  hope  still 
brightening  it.  More;  Punch  suggesls  Mil.  Paxton's  own  words  na 
a  motto  for  his  own  structure.  Ilerc  they  arci  in  good,  plain,  unmis- 
takealle  English ;  for  llic  Cyea  and  heart  of  Joa>'  BtTX. 

"it   IS   4   GOOD  TUISC   TO  llAVB  TUB   CONCEIT   TAK£S   OUT  OF   t'S." 

Now  when  Jouh  beholds  any  manufacture  &oever,  in  which  he> 
John,  has  hf^rctoforc  considered  himself  as  eminent  over  all,  and  in 
which,  to  hia  aatouislmicut,  he  confesBes  hiiiisetf  ootdune  ;  let  him 
confess  to  the  wholesome  medicine  roeommcnded  in  liie  Paxton  pre- 
scription ;  oud  on  the  morrow  morning,  let  him  follow  out  the  Faxtos 
regimen,  "  starting  with  new  vigour,  and  a  greater  determination  to 
reach  success." 

PuMk  tboiiglit  I  he  axiom  of  Mb.  Paxto?:  so  admirable,  so  fiffing  to 
the  occasion,  that  he  immediately  forwarded  a  copy  of  th*,'  words  to 
each  of  the  Foreign  Ambassadors  at  our  Court,  requ<*sting  of  their 
SETeral  Excellencies,  a  gix>d  translation  of  the  English;  that  the 
Ambaseador*s  countrymen  might,  in  their  own  language.,  eryoy  and 
lay  to  lieart  the  wisdom  of  the  apothegm.  In  almost  every  instance. 
Fuueh  met  with  the  most  frank  and  cordial  treatment  at  tlie*  hands  ana 
pens  of  their  Excellencnes.  whose  various  translations  are  subjoined. 


IL  EST   BON   QCE   LA   PHtSOMPTtON   NODS  80IT   EXTIBPfeE. 

The  Frenchman,  wandering  along  the  Crystal  PalACC— or  threading 
its  six  mile  gallery — may,  haply,  acknowledge  tlie  beauty  of  this  wlien 
be  finds  that  lie  does  not  as  ifet  make  quite  aa  good  knives  and  forks  as 
J0H»  at  Sheffield.  

HET   IS  EENE   G080E   2AAK   AX8  ONZE   EKBBELDIVG  WAT  CErXClKI 
WORD. 

And  the  Dutchman  reads  and  ponders  this,  and  allows  that  buttcr- 
ohuras  may  be  made  in  England,  that  woidd  not  be  despiciiblc  at 
Amsterdam. 

BTA   BENE   CHB   CI  BIA  TOLTA    tJk  SQBEnCCHiA  OFIKIOVE,  CDB  ABDtA^MO 

DI   WOI   STESSI. 

This  Italian  has  been  forwtirded  to  VnHrh  by  Carikxal  Wtseicak, 
and  has  at  the  present  time  a  touching  signilVji"'""  Vmr  Pm  Khno's 
workmen  visiting  the  Exhibition  will,  we  ■;  ,    to 

their  hearts ;  and  so,  let  a  little  of  the  concen 


at   UUMA  BOA  GOISa  O  TmAR-SE-N06   APBEfUMPCAO. 

And  we  have  little  doubt  that  every  Portuguese,  with  the  humility 
that  is  his  great  national  characteristic,  will  touch  his  bc4ver,  and  own 
the  tonching  truthfulness  of  the  adage. 


tftf  xii  tfrlion  Air  CiUJktik  nutf  \intf  oririrfcrn  in  ^xfcrn. 

The  German,  with  his-  eye  ubon  a  butt  of  Bauclat  and  Ptaiciys— a 
sample  quiulrupie  XXXX— wiD  think  of  his  own  white  beer,  and  cfjufess 
that  the  prodi^ct  of  the  Britisih  vat  may  take  the  conceit  even  out  of  a 
ucro  from  Vienna.  

ESTi  91EV    ^'E    SB   SiOS  i^iJZ   KL   ALTO   CONCEPTO   ({UB   TENEMOa   DE 
^lOaOTBOS  JUSUUtt. 

And  tlie  Spaniard,  with  the  words  in  hie  memory,  returns  to  his 
hot«t,  and.  <'ailing  for  a  ghiss  of  his  native  skerry,  may  haply  declare, 
with  a  ^igil,  that  the  ii^igUidi  wine-merchaBt  has  taken  ail  the  concett 
out  of  it.  

rOPL'L  CHGRUEZDAjr   ICHLAS  OLA   BILIBSEK  VmOCUAlB. 

And  Epfekdi.  the  Turk,  strokes  his  beard,  and,  hx)king  at  English 
beauty,  thinks  of  the  flowers  of  Stamboul,  and  crying  "  Alkh  Bisaiillali," 
confesses  that  the  lovely  infidels  do,  somehow,  take  all  the  conceit  out 
of  thcra. 

Can  there  be  any  doubt,  that  the  Faxtqii  axiom,  traui»lated  into  fifty 
languages,  and  emblazoned  throughout  the  gUAS  editioe,  will  do  a 
wond  of  BCi^ice,  proving  to  all  nations  of  the  world,  ibat "  it  is  a  fioan 

TfllSO  TO  HAVE  THE  CONCEIT  TAkEN  OCT  OF  DS  » '* 


( 


I 


» 


I 

ft 


KAPID  YIEW  OF  TUB  ENGLISH  STAGE. 

(From  Vie  Observer,) 

Thb  Daiip  yeiot  complains  that  in  all  the  French  pieces  that  hare 
lately  been  tninsUt^d,  and  ore  now  performing  on  the  London  stage,  no 
alluinon  is  in  tlie  least  made  to  the  original  authors,  whilst  the  names  of 
the  translators  are  paraded  at  full-lenglh  in  the  bills.  Now  this  is 
being,  we  think,  a  little  loo  fastidious.  Perhaps  the  DaUff  News  would 
wish  the  French  authors  to  receive  half  the  proceeds  paid  for  the  trans- 
lation, and  to  how  from  a  private  box,  or  to  walk  across  the  sta^c,  and 
to  receive  the  applause  and  bouquets  Uiually  showered  upon  the  happy 
translator  in  consequence  of  the  success?  Perhaps  also,  the  Datfj/ 
iiVwf  would  like  to  sec  the  names  of  the  French  authors  on  the  title- 
pages  of  the  printed  books  of  the  play,  and  to  claim  half  the  proceeds, 
when  there  were  any,  of  the  sale?  This  woidd  be  rather  too  pre- 
iwaterous,  and  we  are  p^ire  that  our  English  translators  would  be  the 
mi  persons  in  the  world  to  wish  snch  a  state  of  things  enforoed  in  this 
country.  , ,        .,       ■ 

The  English  Drama  is  flourishing  remarkably  vrell  as  it  is,  so  pray 
leave  it  alone,  and  do  not  attempt  to  ruin  it  by  introducing  stupid 
foreign  fandango  notions  into  it.  Wc  have  a  right  to  steal  the  French 
dramaa  u  mudi  as  wc  like,  but  only  let  the  French  authors,  or  actors. 
attempt  to  come  over,  or  to  interfere  in  any  way  with  our  stage,  and 
wo  tsU  them  that  they  will  be  hooted  off  the  boards  in  the  same  igno- 
mrAJous  manner  as  the  company  of  the  Thealre  lUstorique  was  hooted 
and  gloriously  cxpellfd,  two  vears  ago,  at  Drury  Lane.  We  only  want 
the  French  jjramas,  tiiat  is  aD.  As  Tor  their  actors,  wo  hare  far  better 
than  any  they  con  send  us ;  and  as  for  their  authors,  we  do  not  want 
them  at  all,  so  long  as  we  have  such  an  experienced  body  of  translators, 
who  produce  pieces  even  better  than  the  originals.  Away,  then,  with 
the  canting  crj-  that  the  English  Stage  is  in  a  state  of  decline — we  are 
positively  sick  of  it ! 


A  DREAM  OF  WHITEFRIAES, 

DO  not  know  how  it  happened  the 
other  day,  that  after  reading  Dn. 
Ullathorse's  letter  inthe  7V««, 
in  my  back  shop,  over  a  glass  of 
brandy -and -water,  and  think  ing 
what  a  mild,  moderate,  artless  let- 
ter the  Bishop's  was,  I  fell  into  a 
doze,  from  which  I  was  awakened 
by  the  appearance  of  a  Friar  with 
ft  map  01  London  in  his  liana,  who 
had  lost  his  way  to  Smithfleld, 
whither  be  said  he  was  bound, 
having  been  just  appointed  Master 
of  the  Charter  House  and  Arch- 
deacon of  London. 

"Is  Dr.  Rain  then  dead:/' 
said  I,  iu  the  Italian  longiioge, 
01  which  I  don't  understand  a 
word. 

"Yes."  said  ho.  "Have  you 
not  heard  ?  All  the  Arehdeacons, 
Deans,  and  Bishops  and  the  two 
Archbishops  arc  dead;  and  we 
have  come  over  to  take  possession.  Your  religion  is  dead :  it  died  the 
night  before  laat.  I  am  to  bury  it ;  and  I  am  walking  about  lliis  eon- 
founded  town  since  morning.  Pny,  show  me  the  way  to  the  Char- 
treux." 

My  daughter  Fa»njf  Punck,  who  has  just  come  borne  from  a  finishing 
school  in  Belgravii,  tell  down  on  her  knees  at  the  sight  of  this  rag^d 
old  hermit  and  begged  liis  blessing.  Whereas  my  son  Ja^t,  who  is  a 
student  at  Saint  Bartholomew's,  looked  as  savage  as  might  be  at  the 
interesting  foreigner;  and  jnultcrcd  something  in  his  teeth  about 
'*  coufouna  the  old  Gut  Fawjles,  I  'U  Hatkau  him  : "  and  he  was  for 
sending  the  Friar  to  Pindico  (to  Jericho  he  might  go  if  he  liked,  Jact 
said)  had  I  not  reproved  him  for  his  discourtesy  to  a  stranger. 

Mu$  Fannjf  went  up  the  chimnev  to  get  a  bottle  of  Eau  dc  Cologne 
to  wash  the  dear  Father's  feet,  ana  to  work  him  a  pair  of  slippers,  she 
said :  and  Jack  was,  in  the  mejuiwhile,  so  struck  by  the  spirited  nature 
of  my  rebuke,  that  he  begged  pardou  of  the  "  old  Buck,"  as  he  called 
him,  and  offered  his  Reverence  my  glass  of  brandy-and-watcr,  and  a 
pexmy  Pjckwick,  which  the  old  man,  putting  on  tiis  mitre,  began 
to  smoke. 

It  was  a  very  handsome  mitre,  made  out  of  a  copv  of  the  Vailf/  Xetc-t, 
containing  t  be  Pope's  letter :  and,  having  a  bottle  of  red  ink  before 
me,  I  painted  a  few  devils  on  it,  with  my  Quger,  so  that  it  became  the 
Friar  very  weU.  And  Todv^  smelling  his  wallet,  began  nnzxUng  his 
nose  into  it,  where  be  found  a  rack,  a  thumbscrew,  and  a  itake  ready 
for  roasting. 


The  Friar  tuned  nther  red  when  7b^  pulled  tbem  out,  tad  bid 
them  away  up  his  sleeve  as  a  dentist  hides  his  pincers.  I  was  of  covne 
too  well-brca  to  make  any  remark,  though  I  saw  that  my  name  wia  <m 
the  st^ke  with  a  Latin  inscription ;  but  went  on  painting  up  tiie  mitTB 
until  it  was  complete,  when  I  presented  it  to  bim,  and  he  (ell  to 
drinking  my  branoy-and-water,  till  his  eyes  began  to  wink  aa  if  be  WU 
for  all  the  world  a  mira^ous  picture. 

Whilst  partaking  of  the  brandy  (which  is  Moszl's,  and  the  vexj  bort 
in  London),  he  sang^  to  a  melody  of  Mozart,  that  beautiful  cantiele  el 
an  early  English  divine,  Gualtebub  de  Mapes,  beginning  *'  Mihi  ett 
propositum  in  tabcm&  mori,  vinum  sit  appositum  moriontis  ori«"  ft&i 
and  as  I  looked  at  him,  I  remembered  that  1  had  seen  him  tweat;^ 
years  ago,  when  I  was  making  a  tour  with  my  friends  the  IvTUUin. 

I  remembered  him  perfectly  well.  He  was  the  first  friar  I  ever  sair— 
a  regular  Rabelaisian  Friar,  a  dirty,  laay,  red-bearded,  thick-Lipped, 
leering  vagabond,  crawling  along  a  wall  in  the  sunshine — looking,  if  erer 
man  aid,  stupid,  brutal,  and  idle. 

What  was  the  hnpression  on  my  mind  on  looking  at  that  fellow?  If 
I  had  been  a  sovereign  prince,  and  administrator  of  the  Uw,  I  ahooU 
have  liked  to  begin  by  kicking  him  soundly,  and  then  would  have  aaid, 
"  Take  a  pickaxe  and  dig,  yon  lazy  swindler— take  a  musket  and  muxjh, 
you  bi^  beggar— take  an  oar  and  poll,  a  hod  and  get  to  work— do 
somettung  to  earn  your  life,  stupid  I  You  shall  fill  your  paunch  at  oUier 
men's  chaxgea  no  more." 

Our  friend  Mra.  Ivylkat  was  one  of  that  company,  and  aaw  like  mt 
a  Friar  fur  the  first  time — and  what  was  the  impression  upon  that  good 
woman  that  kind  Puseyite  soul  ?  Mbs.  IvTL£Ar  confeasod  thftt  ibe 
should  have  liked  to  kneel  down  and  get  a  blessing  from  that  venerable 
man.  So  different,  in  our  minds,  were  the  impressions  of  eaoh,  at  the 
view  of  our  bare-footed  friend.  One  wanted  to  kick  bim :  one  to  kneel 
down  at  those  red  shanks,  and  beg  a  blessing  from  that  bfl«nr.  'Stat 
fellow  represented  quite  diJFfcrent  emotions  to  each  of  ua.  To  the  ooe. 
Friend  Barefoot  was  the  symbol  of  piety,  austerity,  oelibaie  purity. 
cbarity.  and  self-denial.  Touching  pictures  of  convent  gates  crowded 
by  poor,  and  venerable  Fathers  feeding  them :  sweet  images  of  pole-faoed 
nuns,  in  moon-lit  clotstero,  marching  to  church,  singing  ravishing  hymns ; 
magnificent  minsters,  tilled  with  luieeling  faithful,  and  echoing  with 
peaung  organs ;  altars  crowned  with  roses,  and  served  by  dear  old  bald* 
ueaded,  venerable,  priests  in  gilt  vestments,  and  little  darlings  of  white- 
robed  incense-boys ;  confessionals,  and  0  such  dear,  melancholy,  wasted, 
consumptive  clergrmen,  with  such  high  foreheads,  and  such  une  vn, 
waiting  within !— Mrs.  Ivtlea^  kncft  to  all  these,  no  doubt,  in  ner 
adoration  of  her  First  Friar. 

Whereas,  what  was  the  feelinff  of  Afr.  Punch  ?  Think  of  hard  {ondied 
peasants,  and  simple  wumcn  ana  children,  deprii-ing  themselves  of  their 
meal  to  teed  that  lozv,  besotted,  ipiorant  boor;  that  pampered  Ilaoiiah 
Ohi-mau,  thought  1 1  Think  of  thai  fellow's  blessing  carrying  nnper* 
natural  grace  with  it ! — of  yonder  vagabond  assuming  to  be  one  of  tKs 
celeitiol  chamberlains,  without  whose  introduction  one  can't  get  admta- 
pion  to  the  Courts  of  Heaven !  Cammer  of  His  HoLmtsa  he  caniei 
his  key.  along  with  begged  sausages  and  oniona,  in  his  wallet.  Tlwt 
man  means  ignorance :  that  man  means  superstition :  that  man  omh 
priest- worship :  that  man  means  assumption  of  divine  pownn  bTona  mn 
over  another ;  powers  to  curse  and  bless ;  to  deny  hope  and  Heann: 
powers  to  sepamte  wife  and  man.  child  and  father;  powers  of  oecolt 

and  bloody  persecution,  as  it 
says  Fath?.r  hARKrooT,  sealed 
banded  down  these  eighteen 
hundred  years— Powers  Infernal,  I  say,  to  be  fought  with  all  weapon^ 
with  hate,  with  scorn,  with  ridicule,  with  reason. 

'*  Hatred— scorn— my  son ! "  says  Father  Barefoot.  *'  For  shama  I 
You  have  good  feelings— why  do  you  malign  us  so  unjustly?" 

"  Look  at  this  image,"  saya  he,  taking  one  oat  of  his  bag.  "  this  little 
figure  of  a  Sister  of  C^ixity.  Can  anything  be  more  beautiful  than  abe  t 
Think  of  her  den>-ing  the  world  and  ite  vanities ;  gathering  together  the 
liiile  children  of  the  poor,  and  teaching  them ;  watching  the  paUflta  of 
the  sick ;  hanging  over  the  lips  of  the  fevered  patient,  whisperinff  eoB- 
Bol&tion,  and  catching  infection  and  death  for  ner  reward.  Hen  ia  a 
missionary  in  China  or  England.  Death  is  the  end  of  his  oareer— he 
knows,  and  braves  it ;  and  Tut  goes  to  the  sword,  or  Camfur  to  the 
gallows,  martyrs  to  the  Truth  which  they  serve.  Or  look  at  this 
veneiahle  figure,  this  wliite-baired  priest  with  the  infant  in  his  arms, 
the  Almoner  of  Providence,  the  Father  of  the  poor.  Can  all  Histon 
show  a  character  more  beautiful — can  any  heretic,  however  hardened^ 
refuse  his  love  and  reverence  to  St.  Vincent  de  Paul?  " 

'*  Yes,  reverend  Sir,  Saints  and  Martyrs  you  c&n  show  in  abondanqa; 
faith  and  charity  ajnong  your  people,  goodness  and  virtue,  who  deniea 
tbem  F  I  suppose  the  most  sceptic  amoxig  us  would  take  off  his  hat  to 
Fbnblon,  or  ask  a  blessing  of  Pascal.  But  these,  O  pious  Father,  art 
not  the  only  fisures  in  your  wallet.  Show  us  Alva  ;  show  us  Tillti 
show  us  the  block  and  the  fagot  all  over  Europe,  and  by  the  aide  of 
every  victim  a  priest  applauding  and  abetting.  Show  us  BoRou  bvm- 
ing  Savonarola-  show  us  Qreoort  tite  Good  singing  Tt  Dmmfcr 
the  glorious  day  of  Bartholomew,  and  all  the  Friars  of  rari^  with  gun 
and  oagger,  achieving  the  victory.  Von  say  that  Mc^tbt  and  EuxAina 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


180 


penccat«d  u  well  as  Maay  and  PHixirP  Tea,  and  hy  the  same 
riffhL  and  by  the  Bune  lof^o.  Grant  to  you  or  toem  the  ordrrmir  of 
belief  and  the  poasession  of  the  truth  infallible;  and  per&rcution 
becomes  a  neoea&anr  and  laudable  means  of  strengthening  doctrine.  If 
by  taldfiff  me  out  of  my  shop  in  Fleet  Street,  and  carrying  me  to  Smith- 
fleld«  and  there  roaatinff  me.  you  can  stop  my  vickcd  fongue,  put  an 
end  to  my  pestilent  publication,  and  frighten  my  ftat\i\y  and  thnr  chil- 
dren after  them  into  orthodox  faith  and  certain  salvation;  it  in  much 
better  that  I  should  be  roasted.  I  daresay  FArnsR  Nkvuan  votild 
think  it  a  dulv  to  look  on.  Aak  him  whether  his  Church  hns  been  a 
persecuting  Church  or  not  *  Ask  him  whether  persecution  is  lawful  or 
not?  Ask  him.  uho  loves  the  flogginc  of  the  discipline  whether  its 
application  to  nereiic  shoulders  would  not  be  u&efulr  I  declare 
solemnly,  and  tow.  0  Basbtoot,  that  if  I  held  your  belief,  and  if  I  had 
the  power,  I  would  begin  persecuting  to-morrow :  and  I  would  gire  a 
dangerous  philosopher  who  duubted  about  the  age  of  mankind,  a  touch 
of  too  nek,  jost  to  admonish  him,  as  Galuj:o  was  laudably  admonished 
by  the  Holy  Office. 

*'  Your  Kererence  says,  PsUa  I  old-world  bigotry,  wicked  persecution, 
and  that  it  is  we  who  are  persecutors  now — not  yon. — My  dear  Sir, 
look  at  the  Synod  of  Tburles.  It  was  bigotry  on  our  parts  twenty 
years  ago  to  doubt  that  the  spirit  of  the  Roman  Catholic  clergy  was  not 
one  of  meekness  and  brotherhood.  What  did  they  want  but  that  our 
children  and  theirs  should  be  educated  together  ?  What  other  desire  bad 
they  but  that  liltle  heretics  and  little  papists  should  learn  A.  B,  C,  on 
the  Mine  benches,  and  the  rule-of-three  on  the  same  slate  P  Who  could 
be  more  quiet,  genteel,  loyal,  and  retiring  than  a  poor  persecuted 
Komon  Ecclc^iiiutic  before  the  Catholic  Kcpeal  Act^  deairing  nothing 
so  much  as  fraternity ;  nothing  but  equal  righta ;  having  do  wnh  to  aak 
anything  from  Government  beyond  that  fair  share  which  should  belonx 
to  erery  citizen  f  Now  there  is  a  Ble&5ed  spelling-book  and  a  Cursed 
spelling-book :  now  there  is  a  Godly  rule-of-three  and  a  Godless  rule- 
oi-threo :  now  division  is  requisite :  hatred  must  be  organised.  How 
are  the  Godly  and  Godless  to  live  together? 

"  Do  you  suppose  the  story  is  a  new  oueP  The  REVERrirD  Mb,  Tar- 
TUrra  began  m  this  way.  The  worthy  man,  kicked  out  by  a  neigh- 
bour with  whom  he  had  been  playing  the  same  game,  first  entered 
into  Oroon's  house  by  sufferance:  hung  about  as  a  humble  retainer; 
made  himaelf  useful  by  a  thousaua  means ;  was  so  good^  so  gentle,  so 
oorreot  in  his  monds  and  edifying  in  bia  speech ;  ate  so  little,  and  wia 
really  to  agreeable  and  clever,  that  everybody  was  glad  to  give  him 
house-room,  and  pitied  the  poor  fellow  for  the  monstrous  pcrsccutionfl 
to  which  he  had  been  subject,  and  the  unkind  things  said  of  him  in 
his  former  place.  Wc  know  what  came  next.  He  slowly  went  on 
winning  favour,  the  dear  man;  and  setting  the  family  by  the  cars.    He 

Sit  the  father  against  the  son,  and  the  wife  iwainst  the  husband, 
e  worked  on  the  terrors  of  some ;  the  follies  of  all :  until,  one  fine 
day.  when  he  announced  that  the  house  was  his  own,  and  that  he  was 
no  longer  dependent,  but  master. 

"And  what  happened?  The  rood-naturcd  dramatist  (that  kindest 
lod  gentlest  of  mortal  men),  who  nad  the  jtower  over  his  little  creation, 
brings  condign  Dunishment  on  Mons.  Taktufpe  ;  and  the  curtain  falls 
as  he  is  marcbca  off  to  prisoiL  to  the  ap^use  of  all  the  spectators ;  and 
with  a  compliment  to  tne  autoor's  gracious  Prince,  the  hater  of  hypo- 
crtiy,  the  lover  of  freedom  and  justice.  It  was  the  gracious  Pnnce 
^10  revoked  the  Edict  of  Nantes ;  who  (with  the  applause  of  the 
reTerend  the  clcr^)  carried  fire  and  sword  amougst  hundreds  and  thou- 
sands of  honest  citizens,  his  best  subjects;  and  who  died  a  driveling 
old  dotard,  wife-and-prieat-ridden,  his  pride  trampled  dowu  by 
Protestant  victories,  and  defeated  by  Anglican  Schismatics. 

"  That  is  what  His  Holiness  cafls  us  Christians  in  his  kind  letter, 
which  creates  our  country  into  a  province  again,  and  provides  us  witli 
a  dozen  Bishops  and  a  Primate.  Welcome,  gentlemen:  Welcome,  my 
Lords  and  your  Eminence !  Come  with  cross  and  banner,  ehaved  heads 
and  disdplmes.  Come  with  a  winking  picture,  if  you  Ukc,  and  let  it 
wink  on  Ludgate  Hill  Come  with  your  gentle  nuns  and  ardent  mis- 
sionariea :  come  with  roses,  and  wax  candles,  and  pretty  hymns,  and 
brilliant  proceasions — and  with  hatred  and  cnrses,  and  tynnny  and  ex- 
communication, audi  as  you  know  how  to  use  in  due  season,  when  you 
daie.  What?  Is  Pole  alive  again,  and  Bonker  only  dead?  Is 
8t.  VmcEKT  DE  Paul  tesu8citatcd|  and  holy  Domiwic  shut  up  ? 
Has  loiTATnTS  left  off  swindling;  andshirkiiig  disffuised  amongst  famihes, 
and  is  his  frnlemity  onJy  going  to  teach  in  schools,  and  mi5>ionarize 
the  Indies  ?  Not  so.  Other  institutions  change,  but  theirs  is  one, 
and  always  remains  the  same.  Youbra^of  it.  Hia  HoLn<E.ss  snvs 
the  Church  italways  the  Church.  And  so  it  is  -.  with  the  same  art ;  the 
eame  arrogance ;  the  same  remorseless  logic ;  nuurching  pitiless  to  the 
same  end. 

"And  so,  Fathik  Bamtoot,  your  Reverence,  with  the  beard 
and  sasuUla,  is  welcom^  as  the  Oratorian  young  gentlemen  with  the 
bUok  otoaks  and  broad  brims,  who  parade  our  city.  Why  not  these  aa 
well  as  a  Quaker's  bcaverLpr  a  Bishop's  »hovel-hat?  lou  can't  give  us. 
fingUshmen,  a  Church  in  Rome ;  because  you  arc  avowedly  tyrants,  and 
intolerant  of  any  creed  but  your  own.  But  that  is  no  reason  why 
we  i^ould  refuse  fos.    Walk  in,  geatlemen,  and  yon«  old  BA&iroor, 


give  ns  your  hand,  as  the  practice  of  Englishmen  is,  before  they 
set  to." 

*'  M^  good  Sir,  you  arc  growing  angry.'*  the  Monk  said.  *'  This  con- 
versation must  end.  I  want  to  get  to  the  Charter-House,  I  tell  you. 
before  the  Angclus;  and  see  the  pUcc  where  our  Monks  were  morderea 
by  Tour  Protestants." 

You  go  throuRh  Smithlield,"  I  said,  "where  our  Protcslanta  were 
murdered  by  your  Monks." 

And  he  got  up  in  a  huff  to  go  away.  But  I  suppose  I  must  have 
been  in  a  dream,  for  when  he  went  out  I  thought  my  Monk  bad  turned 
into  Dn.  Pcset. 


PREROGATIVE  WRONG. 

Tins  AacuBiSHor  or  Cakterbuby  cannot  but  pra^  that  the  heart 
of  Parliament  will  be  turned  towards  a  due  consideration  of  the  mani* 
fold  iniquitica,  the  growth  of  time — ihe/vtiffut  of  antiauity — that  uiake 
the  Prerogative  Court,  his  Ijonlship's  own  Court,  little  better  than  a 
den  of  thieves  and  a  ooard  of  cannibals.  In  the  Prerogative  Court, 
the  fatherless  and  orphans  are  served  up  as  the  standm^ish— the 
nominal  doilv  bread— to  clerks,  registrars,  and  surrogates.  Then  there 
is  the  seal  of  the  Conrt,  vritli  its  most  exnensiTc  impress,  with  warrant 
and  stamp,  stamp  and  bond,  that,  accoroing  to  a  correspondent  in  the 
Tim^a^  show  that  "a  charge  of  £4  7<.  per  cent,  of  the  net  property 
must  be  paid  into  this  Court  before  the  deceased's  children  can  receive 
their  lawful  portion  of  the  hard  caminp  of  a  provident  parent."  Now 
the  AncRBisnop  ot  Cantf.rdurt,  grieved  and  oppressed  by  the  con- 
tinual consciousness  of  this  robberv  of  the  helpless,  for  the  fattening 
of  sinecurists,  will  be  compelled  to  bring  the  matter  into  the  House  of 
Lords,  unless  reform  originate  with  the  Govenuncnt.  The  prelate,  aa 
the  highest  ornament  of  a  Church,  whose  Voice  said — "Suffer  little 
children  to  come  unto  me,"  cannot  endure  the  reflection  that  they  ooroe 
into  his  CK>urt  only  to  be  plundered.  He  must  put  down  the  atrocitv. 
The  spirit  of  Bawmet  Bean,  the  child-eater,  must  not  continue  to  hold 
the  scaler  of  Jostioe  Uate  the  property  of  JSkfftoel)  in  the  Court  of 
Prerogative.  

The  Victory  of  Trafalgar. 

The  Naval  Club  cclcbreted  the  anniversary  of  the  Battle  of  Trafalgar 
at  the  Thatched  House  Tavern.  The  Chairman,  in  an  eloquent  speeoL 
gave — "  The  immortal  memory  of  Nelsoh."  Drunk  with  ailenoe.  And 
then  ^fr.  Punch— vrho  had  receivea  the  honour  of  an  invitation — begged 
to  be  allowed  to  give,  in  his  own  way,—"  The  Oblivion  of  NuJOii't 
Daughter."    Drunk,  with  blushes. 


THE  OREATBar  BCTIX  ITER  KSOWV. 

The  Bull  bv  which  the  Pops  has  appointed  Dr.  Wikemax  Cardinal 

Archbishop  oi  Westminster.  Ferhape  the  individual  thus  singled  out 
for  Papal  favour  will  furnish  an  example  of  the  greatest  ^tisnomer  ever 
known,  if  he  should  proceed  to  act  upon  the  instructions  the  dee  of 
Home  may  have  given  bun. 


\H 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


QUU^er  iioquituf).  "Well!  Mt  rrsB  Fkllow,  so  ioc 'ite  bees  tn  thz  BEeui^m  Abj(t?— Is  the  Wabs,  too,  J  sEz—tnV 
Slomi  TeomoM.  "Koa,  Colonel,  I  xkver  wasn't  in  no  Was*;   »vt  Mr  Old  Sow  oaueo  a.  SiLvta  MuiAt  uut  CointTT 

AGaiCULTOaAL  SOCIETT;  60  1  THO*X  A«  'OW   I   MIGHT   WEAK  UH  !  " 


QA3CE  DUK£8. 

Ajjam  WM  made  More  red-deer,  growc,  asd  partridw.  NereHh©- 
**^  *?L-  ■^'  »*«'"^  opinion  of  ecrt&iB  Dukes— of  him  of  AtholL 
aad  of  bun  of  RutUud— rcd-dcer,  grooM  uid  partridge,  w  things  of 
higher  Acrount  titoji  biped  huiuwuty.  The  Duke  or  KrrLAND  lukcB 
the  dnudittd  remauia  utar  Sunedge  Pole,  Yorksbire,  ncred  to  Inrdfl. 
All  juUkoanans,  naturalists,  and  artists  that  were  wont  to  viajt  the 
Dnud  relitt,  are  warned  off  by  the  Duke's  keepers.  Two-lcK^  nian 
fnghtena  th^  ■  '  Rack,  re  anUiinariea— me  place,  yc  nfltQnili9t<^— 
shut  up  y  '^,  and  trmmp,  yt  Tagftbond  artists,  for  the  ftrcat 

Ulke  of  ii    : iLc  gusty  Duke,  has  wilk4  that  bis  grouAe  (grouse 

for  the  huckster  poulterer,  the  Duke  bciag  a  corooetted  deider  in 
game)— should  have  the  Dniid  ruins  to  tb«iiiselves:  birds  can  better 
WMBEStaiid,  enjoy,  aod  fatten  on  them,  than  nntiquariaB  man. 

Hm  Dgke  Of  Atuoll  lias  lound  au  admirer  aod  apoAogist  in  one 
|4«»Y  MACELiCRfinrrLE,  who  yelpa  for  the  Qtatgow  C^MtHiMiionml. 
DAjibT,  with  a  faue  touch  of  »pii/— dry  viit— says  :— 

w     '^"  °'  '***  '**^»  *^'^  ^^^^  kiupMcki  on  tbclr  baekt,  Rod  llt-i»«r  la  Cteir 


Moreover,  Macklickspitile— 

|WmiU  like  to  haT«  PMn  Om  poppiM  tskins  lUnm  Uw  Diike'i  naot  In  Uielr  ooto- 

tTTi*  would  like  to  see  a  puppy :  a  (awning,  crouching 
IDT.  IS  there  not  ift  the  olfioe  of  the  GlM§ma  CmufiU- 


vm/Ck^vj,  is  there  not  ift  the  ofiie'V  thi 
ft<wf   M  itec  not  sttcfa  a  thing  as  a  boking-gbM  i 


A  Relief  for  our  Fanes. 

ABpAXiAH-Siw-HAiisT-BBa  Hassak  Paitox's  imufoveuienl  upon 
"?..^!y  r'^  de«!ribed  in  the  Jra^j,  ATai/*-5ii  grand  gC^ 
eathe<*raIormduBtry— la  anillnstmtionof  the  saying  that  lie  b^U 
lue.  This  splendid  idea  will  he  the  pareat  of  many  fine  ideas ;  and 
J*"  ".JO*  *>f  the  fiunily.  Build  yonr  aouse  entirely  of  glass,  and  then 
how  will  the  tAi-gatherer  be  able  to  charge  you  for  windows  ? 


REFORM  YOUR  LAWYERS'  BILLS. 
NoTwiTHsrASDiito  the  movement  in  favour  of  •ht^y  lay,  at  ' 

conversion  of  the  Palace  Court  tuto  a  Police  statioii— ••  whiBb 
discharges  the  cspiator'^  r, ,,,..•,..„  ,»f  helping  to  ehrrV  •■".»■•*••    ^^^ 
of  bo  encoungr  it — noi  ^  the  uipcaranoe  k'^  i 

of  enhghleumeat  auioiu  ^  .aid  coowebs  of  '  iirrf  aia 

still   many  dark   rcce»>o  of   .c^iti   cbicaaen  -  i$ 

evidently  a  cumiption  of  cliic^uery — into  >ti  m 

penetrate.    Tbe  aduiinistmliou  of  the  effects  <a  accnn>*:*i  pcrsoxii>  ta 
of  tItoM  barbahsoM  that  ace  &ull  |>truiitt«d  to  exaU  uojv  tht 


BBinca 


to.  uLmirduig 
iWths 


law,   whose  sanction  piiabi^s  ri^rt^in  persons  caU(*>^   l^^^Uirar^ 

Suntigates  to  take  vct}  >>fi'  \ery  stnaJJ  pr^ 

oauie  of  Surrngatc  see.  ^upcre rogation   :. 

charges  connected  with  hiui  are  i,uile  chara«ter' 

to  a  bill  recently  published  in  the  Tiu^i,  pai.i 

thing;  inasniuch  as  "attcudiug  before  the  suuu^-*^; 

gates  fee"  are  two  diatinr-t  and  separate  chaives. 

We  wonder  bow  louy  it  would  be  toleratod  in  other  kuofirs^ioM  and 
trades,  if  the  system  of  law  costs  were  io  be  a.i  'i>pOtO§ 

dentist  were    to   send    you    in  a  bill  foe  "drau:..  >uoth; 

"attending  dmviug;"   "Piling  dec^yodpart  of  looLii,     '  taieoify^ 
filing;"  "I>rawing  >our  attention;"   "engrossing »•  (• — fc~ — 


e^tnct;"  "attending  extracting ;  "  with  a  variety  of  othcf  MTfvrthn 
thai  mUaasiiy  be  set  forth,  if  any  oiber  bill  were  to  be  oiaoeovt,  M 
tba  iraaipk  of  a  la^Ter's.  Anonnibuscad  might  aswe.!!  chxrm  &.  SZ 
Cor    asumaons  to  stay,"  if  you  bailed  him  to  stop;  v-  -jt 

ii^oacah*  tbc  driver  mi^ht  as  well  Ln£i!<t  on  lOi.  Qd.  as  "  1'  or 

drawuig  aane,"  in  addition  to  tbe  fare  properly  p^yahle  it  4  uuii  tM 
time  is  coming  to  an  end  for  the  existence  of  these  legal  extoriiooSi  whtfi 
an  iiuts  miits  as  onwesaivc  as  any  of  t  Ite  legal  fiottoas  that  bav«£«iQ  «t* 
terminated  within  the  last  few  yearb  by  an  improved  spirit  of  law-aftlui^ 


DaXAOrVl.  PAX  ID  IV  TBS  MUT15H  l>SAMATUI   KAJUOM. 

Ocii  letters  from  Paris  inform  ns  that  Mov^rB.  ScmiSE  a  atwB|f&f 
English,  with  the  nfcject  of  trawlatTng  for  tfc  fntttre  fab  tsmu  piiwes. 


PUNCa  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARFVARL 


189 


THE  LORD  OF  THE  GLEN. 

^  Any*  Ch>aV"»"  (•(&«"  £«^  (/iA*  X'Afa.** 

Two  enterprising  Cuabridge  mea 
Were  trarersing  Tilt's  famooa  glen : 
Passing  the  known  but  guarded  v&y, 
Through  copse  and  cliffs  thejr  boldly  stray ; 
Til],  at  a  rock's  huge  point  they  stop, 
And  out  they  see  a  Chieftain  pop. 
Up,  up  he  springs,  with  stick  in  hand : 
"  Your  name  and  purpose,  Saxoiis  I  stand  1 " 
Thud  they  reply  :  "  Laird  of  the  kilt. 
There 's  right  of  way  across  Glen  Tilt/* 
"  You  think  so.  eh  ? "     He  whistled  shrill. 
And  he  was  answered  from  the  hill. 
Wild  as  the  yell  of  the  yahoo, 
From  crag  to  crag  the  signal  flew. 
That  whistle  garrisoned  the  glen. 
With  two  great  raw-boned  serving-men. 
Waiting  their  laird*i  imperial  will. 
They  stood  awhile  stupid  and  still ; 
With  sturdy  bludgeon  forward  flung, 
Upon  their  master's  nod  they  hung. 
He  Boowled,  and  cried— with  sable  brow— 
"  Intruders,  say,  what  think  ye  now  ? 
These  are  Olen  Tiltian  gillies  true. 
And.  Saxons,  I'm  liie  Keg'lar  Doo." 


THE  MONASTERY  OP  PIMLICO. 

A  HoVASTKBT  of  Fimlico  is  to  be  founded,  to  match  the  Convent  of 
^M  Belnarians.  as  the  gander,  though  in  a  state  of  celibacy,  matches 
its  fei^e.  This  institution  will  be  dedicated  to  St.  Histeio  of  the 
Hums,  and  St.  Simius,  Abbot  or  Jocko. 

The  Superior  of  the  MonastcTj  will  be  an  eminent  clergrman,  recom- 
moided  for  the  situation  by  hia  ingenuity  in  interpreting  tue  Articles  of 
the  Chorob  of  £ngland  in  a  non-natural  sense. 

The  Monks  are  to  be  youn^  Anglican  ecclesiastics  of  a  class  now  not 
uooommoiL  whose  state  of  mind  needs  a  temporary  seclusion;  and  who, 
if  they  had  not  an  Abbey  to  go  to,  would  require  to  be  scut  to  some 
other  Mytom. 

The  establishment  will  derive  its  support  from  the  resources  of  the 
inmates,  until  Covent-gardcn  and  other  alienated  Abbey-Unds  can  be 
resumed  by  the  Legislature,  and  re-applied  to  their  original  purposes. 

In  winter  the  Fnars  will  be  clad  in  a  black  serge  gown  with  a  cowl, 
OTer  the  ordinary  clerical  attire.  They  will  also  wear  a  partial  hair 
ahirt — not  next  the  skin,  however,  but  only  under  the  waistcoat.  The 
gown  will  sometimes  be  worn  open,  so  sa  to  exhibit  ttiis  penitential 
dickey.  The  trousers  must  either  be  short,  or  tucked  up,  because  they 
vaola  not  accord  with  the  e&atuntre,  which  is,  of  course,  to  consist  of 
aandals.  Stockings,  together  with  the  latter,  would  be  a  violation  of 
ooitume :  therefore,  to  save  appearances,  and  avoid  chilblains  too.  their 
place  will  be  supplied  with  tignt  silk  fleshings,  which  will  hare  all  the 
effect  of  bare  legs,  as  displayed  by  the  gentleman  who  cnacta  the  Fran- 
tatcan  in  Homto  and  Jutiei.  The  tonsure,  too,  which  the  Monk  may 
wUi  to  teihtquish  on  re-enlering  pnbtic  life,  or  forsaking  celibacy,  will  be 


on  the  same  principle,  namely,  by  recourse  to  a  scalp,  such  as 
VLLMTOBD  assumes,  to  give  a  physical  verisimilitude  to  his 


T"eH*ffed 

penonatioa  of  age,  at  the  Theatre  Hoyol,  Adelj:^. 

The  employments  of  the  Monks  of  Pimlico  will  be,  for  the  most  part, 
suflh  as  are  cTiflmetrically  opposed  to  the  utilitarian  spirit  of  the  day. 
Copying  Bibles  and  Testamcntj*— that  have  been  unhai}pil^  riUgarised 
b/  prmline — into  manuscript,  will  be  one  of  their  principal  occupa- 
tions. Kubbing  monumental  brasses  will  be  another ;  and  every  Monk 
wOl  be  recommended  to  rub  his  brass  up  well  every  day,  before  he 
Tenturea  to  show  his  face  in  the  streets. 

There  will  be  a  soup-kitchen  attached  to  the  Monaaterr,  for  the  distri- 
tnition  of  soup,  in  subserrieoce  to  the  dissemination  of  Puseyism.  Tht 
■oup  will  be  mock-turtle,  a  viand,  as  the  public  already  knows,  corre- 
sponding to  the  system  in  question,  which  is  a  mild  imitation,  concocted 
to  suit  the  taate  of  those  who  anect,  but  cannot  quite  swallow,  the 
originaL  In  on^  to  represent  this  analogy  to  the  eye,  the  sjinlKil  of 
the  Monastery  will  be  a  calTs  head,  which  will  figure  conspicuously 
among  the  corbels  of  the  edifice,  together  wita  the  emblematic 
naak  and  mystioU  jackanapes— the  cyphers  of  S.  S.  Hunxo  and 
Snrrps. 

The  plate  of  the  Monastery  will  consist  of  Britannia  or  Anglj^n 
metal,  to  typify,  further,  the  imitative  character  of  the  institution. 

Among  the  recreations  of  the  Fimlico  Monks  will  be,  the  soe&ic  pte- 


sentation  of  some  of  the  more  urodudble  of  the  "Mvsteries"  and 
'*  Moralities  "  of  the  precious  miadle  am.  by  which  performanoea  they 
will  amuse  themselves,  whilst  they  edify  the  pabUc. 

Thev  will  ooeasionally  ride  in  the  Park,  with  a  view  to  court,  rather 
than  shun  observation.  The  Father  Superior  will  use  a  mule ;  and  as 
many  donkeys  will  be  kept  in  the  Monastery  as  there  are  Yritn  in  it. 


'Sm, 


GOtNG  RATHER  TOO  FAB. 


I  UATE  not  the  honour  of  knowing  the  Becorder  of  Binning* 
ham,  Mk.  M.D.  Hill.  Profeasioual  people  1  only  know  professionally, 
and,  I  must  say,  my  dealings  with  lawyers  have  not  given  me  any  desire 
of  a  more  intimate  aoquamtance.  But  whoever  or  whatever  this  Ma. 
M.  D.  HitL  may  be,  he  is  clearly  an  impertinent  and  short-sighted 
person.  His  proposal  to  the  grand  jury  at  Birmingham  is,  thai  the 
police  shall  have  authority  to  arrest  such  persons  as  may  lie  under  their 
suspicions,  and  to  require  them,  on  nam  of  imprisonment,  to  sive 
flfviaeDoe  that  they  possess  means  of  support,  '  either  from  their 
property,  their  labour,  or  the  assistance  of  friends.* 

*  Good  gracious,  Sir,  do  we  live  in  a  free  country  or  not  ?  Why.  Sir. 
/  should  Be  liable  to  arrest  under  such  a  t}Tannous  and  iuquisitorial 
law,  atthouffh  I  write  '  Uonouruble '  before  my  name,  and  belong  to  the 
best  set  in  LfOndou.  I  have  no  property  (except  a  few  persooaTs  of  no 
cottsequeooe,  such  aa  dressing,  gun,  and  pistol  cases— mr  wardrobe^ 
and  90  on}.  I  have  not  vet,  lam  thankful  to  sav,  been  reduced  to  the 
humiliating  necessity  of  labour,  and  my  friends  (confound  them !}  have 
long  ceasra  to  give  me  any  assistance  whatever.  Mr.  M.  D.  Hill 
would  surely  never  be  so  preposterous  aa  to  contend  that  /  should  be 
arrested — a  member  of  the  Travellers'  and  the  Coventry,  vrith  a  stall  at 
the  French  Pkys,  a  prospect  (fftirt  nota)  of  getting  uito  the  House, 
when  our  people  (the  Protectionists)  come  in.  the  enir^  of  some  of  the 
best  boxes  at  the  Operas  (both  of  them),  and  the  run  of  some  of  the  most 
exclusive  houses  in  town. 

**  The  fact  ia,  Mr.  M.  D.  Hill  has  omitted  altogether  the  most  r^ndiu 


country 

wretched  democracy  across  the  Channel. 

"  I  suppose  that  under  this  precious  scheme  I  am  to  be  liable  to  be 
hauled  up  by  the  police,  at  the  request  of  any  impertinent  tradesman, 
and  treated  as  a  swindler,  because  I  don't  hapoeu  to  be  able  to  pay 
ready-money  to  my  tailor,  my  hatter,  my  babcrdasner,  my  wiue*merch&nt, 
my  tobacconist,  and  my  uvery-stable-keeper! 

"  All  I  can  sa/  is,  that  if  such  a  Uw  ever  come  to  be  passed,  England 
will  be  no  place  for  gentlemen.  In  the  mere  broachinc  of  such  a  pro- 
position I  see  a  working  of  the  same  levelling  spirit,  which  has  done  its 
best  to  do  away  with  that  great  safeguard  of  our  institutions — the  pri- 
vilege of  freedom  from  arrest  of  Members  of  Parliament. 

"Of  course,  the  idea  will  never  bo  seriously  eutcrtained  in  influential 
quarters,  but  1  fett  it  a  duty  to  society  not  to  let  it  be  even  mooted 
without  recording  my  indignant  protest. 

"  I  am,  Mr,  FnHch^  your  constant  reader, 

"A  Mak  about  Town." 


Beef  from  th«  Vatican. 


Amoko  the  recent  importations  of  foreign  cattle,  the  most  remarkable 
is  that  of  the  extraordinary  bull  from  Home,  tnough  the  bull  from 
Nineveh  will  probably  be  the  more  useful  of  the  two.  On  arriving  in 
this  country,  the  Roman  bull  gave  such  indications  of  being  likelv  to 
prove  mischievous,  that  it  has  oeen  found  necessary  to  take  him  boldly 
by  the  horns.  No  intention,  however,  exists  of  pUcing  him  under  anv 
foreible  restraint ;  and  he  will  be  suffered  to  range  at  krgc,  unmolesteo. 
It  is  hoped,  that,  after  all,  he  will  turn  out  perfectly  harmless.  Should  he 
begin  to  be  troublesome,  the  clergyman  mentioned  in  the  pepers,  the 
other  day,  as  having  mesmerised  a  bull,  or  some  other  clergyman  equally 
clever,  must  set  to  work  and  quiet  hizn. 


WHAT  A   LrCKT  ESCAFZ 1 


It  is  very  lucky  that  Momus's  proposed  phui.  that  everybody  should 
have  a  window  in  his  breast,  so  that  the  world  might  be  able  to  see 
what  was  passing  inside,  was  never  oenied  out,  or  else  there  would  not 
be  a  native  of  this  country— man,  woman,  or  child— but  who,  at  the 
present  day,  would  have  to  pay  for  the  Window-Tax ! 


Stnrration  of  Kind  and  Body  in  Ireland. 

The  Roman  Catholic  clergy  of  Ireland,  we  are  told,  are  going  to 
establish  a  University  of  their  own.  If  they  can  command  funds 
sufficient  for  the  purpose^  where  was  their  monev  durinjg  the  Irish 
famine  P  If  they  cannot,  it  is  highly  improbable  that  their  flocks  will 
be  much  better  taught  than  fed. 


PUNCa  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


FOREIGNERS  MAKING  FREE  WITH  ENGLAND. 

Pio  NoMo  having  divifird  tbi»  cottntr)' ifi^o  Catholio  buhoprics,  it 
becomea  absoluteiy  necessary  tiiut,  if  Britannia  is  rcallv  to  oootinae 
to  rule  the  wwes,  »he  must  role  the  Sees  nUo.  We  shall  have  to  say 
No-no  very  peremptoriJv  to  f'to,  with  reference  iu  Iho  nrraiigemcni  he 
has  made  lor  plantmff  the  crosier,  or  crook — wliich  he  will  be  allowed  to 
do  TiLh  a  hooK— iu  too  soil  of  England.  If  llu:  aort  of  tlung  coutein- 
platcd  by  the  PopR  Of  lldHE  is  to  be  tolerated  here,  we  must  expect 
Qlher  alien  polenlales  lo  amuse  themselves  b>  cuuing  up  the  Uuiled 
Kingdom  into  little  bilJ,  aflcr  their  own  hcurt^,  ami  sending  the  dig- 
nilorics  of  all  sorts  of  creeds  to  supersedi-  '■■■  ■  ■  '  •■■-;  (^  ,,.....,..., 
religion.  Unless  a  quietus  is  rapidly  put  to  ; 
Rome,  and  unless  we;ap  the  Fui-k's  kcucJ. . 

left  to  prevent  our  bcini^  obliged  to  kiss  his  toe,  we  luay  eiptt't  a  lew 
such  paragraphs  as  the  followiug  to  figure  very  speedily  in  our  foreign 
Intelligence  :— 

The  Hindoo  Govenuucut  has  sent  over  HoKt  Fokj,  to  commence  his 
funetions  as  Bralimtn  of  Battersea.  Messb5.  Laukie,  of  Oxford  Street, 
have  reoeivcd  directions  to  build  without  delay  a  car,  with  Colukoe's 
patent  ftxies,  for  the  accommodation  of  Ju^ecnmut. 

The  M.IR7.AM  OF  MoOLRAH  has  sent  over  liow  Wow  to  commence  his 
sittings  at  Marylebone  as  Mufti  of  Middlesex,  and  Ru&ti  Kuajj  goes  to 
Westminster  ilall  to  take  his  [.l.i-  ;  '  '"mrt  of  Chaucer^  aa  Cadi  of 
Chelsea.    We  h:iu  forgotten  to  :'  l.c  Bow-string  la  to  be  in- 

troduced at  Bow  Street,  and  Kul  l.  i  :  .  _i:\'  will  preside  at  the  burn- 
ing of  a  widow,  on  a  pile  of  weeds  collected  from  all  tlie  w^owa  in  the 
Metropolis. 


Tlie  Emperor  of  China  has  writien  '^'  *^ 
Junk  at  the  Temple  8tairs,  desiring  I 
Temple,  and  devote  it  to  Budd  ;  but  we  u 
has  been  frustrated  by  the  firmoeu  of  t 
Glared  emphatically  that  Bunu  i>hould  go 
Jack — would  aUow  any  trespasser?  on  tiir  trmunu 


''^^r  in  charge  of  the 

posMssiou  of  (iie 

\y  that  the  scheme 

■  .iler,  who  de- 

efore  he — the 

cTjnnmtted  to  Ms 


r.f  r 


charge.    There  have  been  furriicr  djreclrons  forwarded  to  the  Junk, 
desiring  that   Poo   Ixm  should  ccniem  -  ■^- ■ 

country  by  as^uuungthe  title  and  powers 
the  privilege  of  issuing  chops  to  any  e\' 
butcher,  i&  to  be  called  upon  i  -  ■ 
Such  arc  a  few  of  the  arri 
...,/.-  ,.[■  ti,,.  -P-o-nt  measures  Ium 


uv.  I  tjrt  ur  iv«j: 


in  thill 

'■   :id.  With 

t  aiinent 

:.be  materials. 

^d  for,  as  the 

j^  for  establish- 


in  D^u gland— provided  always  that  the  measures 
to  be  effectnal  for  the  poposes  desind. 


There  is  this  difference  between  the  two  countries — and  it  rvquirM 
a  long  e!ipericncc  to  decide  which  is  the  worse  of  the  two  to  Uve  In — 
that  whereas  the  people  in  France  are  olwayii  bre«iung  6ut,  the  people 
in  £uglaad  seem  to  be  always  breaking  in. 

Caution  ! — Two  cart-loads  of  puns,  tm  the  names  o£  "  Newman  "  and 
"Wisciimn/'  havmg  been  bhol  on  Mr,  J^tnt^k's  piMlites,  Mr.  PumeA 
hereby  gives  noli'"'-  ''■;''  '"•  i>:"^  r.,L,.ri  i.^p^-^i-rf-a  (.»  ds^fftain  the  pcrpc- 
tratx)rs  of  thcsan  •  cd  in,  ho  will  publish 

a  selection,  with  1 1  ^ 


CATALOGUE   OF    THE    BRITISH    MUSEUM 


All  the  Ihiu^  'a  a  farce. 
And  all  the  time  and  labour  merely  wssied. 
it  has  its  entries  and  its  indexes, 
And  one  man  with  his  time  nlavs  bnt  the  fool 
111  ooring  u'tT  the  pages.    First  the  Volume, 
Bulky  and  ponderous  in  llio  porter's  arms, 
And  then  tfju  heavy  binding,  with  its  edges 
And  greasy  h^ather  backs,  lettiug  it  slide 
CtrsdoaUy  to  the  groond.    And  then  the  titles. 
Mixed  up  like  hodge-podge— here  a  book  of  ballads 
PubUsh'd  by  Beale  or  Booset.    Then  a  quarto, 
full  of  strange  types,  and  letter'd  ail  in  black, 
Printed  on  velioni — ancient  in  type  and  paper, 
Cnunming  the  author's  reputation 


Right  down  the  sLudeut's  mouth.    And  then  the  law>book« 

In  pale  brown  calfskin,  with  irro>s  limnbug  lined. 

With  rules  severe,  and  fo^D^ 

Full  of  strange  Jaws  and  mu-^i .  .a  -. 

And  so  this  forms  a  part.    Thi:  voiu^.  -lufts 

Liltc  change  to  clown  or  slipper'd  paut.iiuuii, 

To  subjecta  no  one  knows— from  side  to  i»iiie 

The  eye  may  roU — the  topio  arc  too  wide 

To  be  erabraccd — and  llio  loud  public  voice, 

Turning  again  to  childish  treble,  pipes 

And  wujsQes  for  its  wants.    Last  i>ccne  of  aUj 

That  ends  this  strange  mysterious  catalogue. 

Is  perfect  uselcssness  ana  mere  oblivion, 

SaM  head— MM  tail — in  fact,  *atu  everything. 


I 


A  G£MTtE>£AN,  ViSIilVG  TO  BLEFEE  TO  TJUt  CUXAXOQtlB  OF  TttB  BUTISU  MtraBlTII,   18  SHOWN  A  VBM  SMALL  POBTIOir  OF  THAT 


r 

I 


PUNCH.  OB  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


\n 


THE  MEETING  OP  THE  MAYORS  AT  YORK. 

Feidat,  the  2&th  of  October,  1850,  vill  be  a  great  day  in  the  dvic 
dnnab  of  Englaud,  for  it  wm  devoted  to  the  relure  visit  of  the  Lord 
Mavor  of  London  to  the  Lord  Mayor  of  York— that  illustrious  couple 
haTing  within  the  present  year  etchanged  calls  at  each  other's  Maycn^s 
nests, 

Before  sneaking  of  the  banquet,  we  inny  say  a  few  words  of  the  city 
itself,  whica  was  fonnerly  governed  bv  a  Mayor  and  tliree  boilifft— the 
bailiffs  being  no  dotibt  dcsccndaDts  of  Isaac,  the  Jew  of  York — but  in 
1397,  two  sheriffs  were,  by  royal  authority,  substituted  for  the  three 
baUiffs ;  and  by  this  Shric^Til  arrangement,  loc  city  was  shrieved  of  it« 
UkBtu-ity. 

York  has  been  lorw  eelebn&t«d  for  tliree  things— York  hams,  York- 
shire puddiatf.  and  York  biscuits — all  of  wliich  were  to  be  had  in  pro- 
foaion  at  the lale  banquet.  The  bill  of  fare  was  of  coutbo  magmficenl, 
for^ 

"  When  M*yor  mnta  Mmjot,  then  ookdh  tbe  tugaftortle  ;*' 

and  irtnU-d«ux  Botagn  opened  the  campaign,  including  huiio  i  la 
iorin*  immnargrue^  or,  in  oUier  words,  dgnl  of  traaspartiiit  tuit]e--or 
turtle  vfaicn  could  be  seen  through,  or,  to  come  to  the  point,  mook  of 
the  clearest  (diancter. 

There  were  also  four  soups,  i  la  Pukcb  or  Wales,  which,  we  pre- 
some^  is  an  elegant  little  idea  of  SoTxa's,  who  has  given  to  hare  soup 
the  title  of  what  he,  in  his  foreign  aoeent,  might  eiH  the  hare  apparent. 

Among  the  relive$  we  find  ns  ekapotu  a  la  Nblson,  by  which  we 
understand  half-a^oEen  capons  sent  up  without  their  tails,  lor  lo  render 
them  a  la  I^EUoif,  they  must  not  have  shown  the  white  feather.  Sir 
igidlehaei  de  mtm$<m  would,  of  course,  give  fluffident  sEuilery  to  enable 
every  guest  to  hare  a  bit  in  his  mouth,  and  a  stirrup-cup  to  hare  washed 
it  down  would  have  been  very  acceptable. 

The  entrieM  contained,  among  other  delicacies,  kuii  cotfUUfs  da  monion 
a  la  wieomittm  eight  mutton  chops  a  la  viscountess ;  but  as  we  never 
took  a  chop  with  a  viscountess,  we  can  ^re  no  explanation  of  this  dish. 
and  cannot  say  if  the  bone  is  to  be  admitted  to  tuc  mouth  as  a  sort  of 
btmme  tirmeks  a  la  Bcurmoise.  Among  the  sweet  atuifs,  we  Ind  dix 
pttaign  Jg  fntih  fflacfy  a  la  Ladu  Mayortst—itn  baskets  of  froit  ghued 
h  la  Lady  Mayorese ;  who  might  be  thought  to  be  vcrj'  cold  and  stiff, 
from  this  comparison  of  her  ladystiip  to  glared  firoita ;  bat  the  fact  is, 
there  is  no  foundation  for  this  culinary  libel. 

The  guests  were  many  of  them  of  the  highest  distinction,  but  we 
miss  a  ^w  names  that  wc  think  should  have  been  included.  For  ei- 
ample,  we  find  **  the  Hij^h  Constable  of  Margate  and  friend."  and 
"iTie  Chief  Constable  oiRamagate;"  but  we  look  in  vain  for  the 
"one  policeman  of  Heme  Bay,  who,  as  part  of  the  Kentish  force, 
shoiddtiave  been,  we  think,  invited  with  his  brother  constables.  The 
"  Lord  Mayor  of  London's  Coramoa  Crier"  was  iu  attendance,  but  found 
nothing  to  cry  about,  and  judiciously  kept  his  tears  bottled  up  for 
some  more  appropriate  occaaiou. 

The  first  toast  was  given  by  the  Lord  Mayor  of  York,  who  proposed 
the  QuE.m— a  toaet  which  was  received  with  the  euthuaiaAtic  lojidty 
that  IS  always  eiciled  by  the  mention  of  the  name  of  H^a  Majesty. 
His  lordship  very  properly  remarked,  that  though  the  days  of  chivalry 
were  gone^  when  a  thousand  swords  would  have  leaped  from  their 
scabbards  m  her  defence,  the  Queen  was  still  surrounded  by  thousands 
and  tens  of  thousands  of  honest  bUdea,  and  by  millions  of  hands,  which 
had  substituted,  for  the  warrior's  steel,  the  loom,  the  shuttle,  and  the 
spade ;  while,  better  far,  ever)'  spade  was  a  trump,  and  every  shuttle 
would  help  to  shut  up  every  battle-door. 

The  health  of  I^ri^nce  Albert  having  been  drunk,  His  Rovnl  High- 
I1M8  returned  thanks  in  an  excellent  speech,  which  we  hooe  will  be  read 
by  every  one,  and  which  we  will  not  attempt  to  mutilate  by  curtailment 
in  these  oolumna.  The  oompUmeut  paid  to  the  kte  Sis  Kobkbt  Fecl 
is  far  too  good  in  its  idea,  and  in  its  expression,  to  be  spoilt  by  anv 
sportive  abrid^ent,  and  we  leave  it,  therefore— with  the  whole  speech 
-—to  produce  its  legitimate  impression  on  all  who  read  it  m  extenso  in 
the  reports  of  the  newspapers. 

Other  healths  foUowtx),  and  the  Army  was  aoknowled^  by 
Colonel  Cajcpbell,  who  in  the  Queen's  Bays  had  won  his  own 
laurels.  The  Lord  Mayor  of  Ix)ndon  was  proposed  in  the  honourable, 
batrttthor  sombre,  obaiacter  of  the  *' setting  bud,"  which  caused  him 
to  "rise"  suddenly  to  return  thanks,  and  the  setting  snn  ultimately 
resiimai  his  seat,  amidst  a  series  of  hoo-rays  "  of  the  most  brilliant 
and  exhilarating  aescrintion. 

The  healths  of  the  Ministers  were  then  proposed,  and  Lord  JoBif 
RossELL  was  compared  to  the  e&ptain  of  a  snip,  in  allusion,  perhaps,  to 
bis  Lordship's  alleged  readiness  to  take  command  of  a  fleeL  should  his 
aervioos  be  required.  The  Premier^  looking  at  the  wine  before  him, 
expressed,  sofh  tocc,  hia  wish  that,  if  ever  he  undertook  the  office  of  a 
sea-captain,  he  should  be  always  in  sight  of  port,  particdarly  such  port 
At  that  be  now  looked  upon. 

He  then  made  a  very  fair  average  Ministerial  speech  to  the  general 


company,  which  told  extremely  well ;  and  after  a  few  more  toaata,  the 
company  separated  at  a  late  hour. 

While  we  ^ive  this  meeling  of  the  Mayors  the  benefit  of  our  own 
peottlkr  version,  we  by  no  means  under-rale  the  value  and  importance 
of  Uutte  social  meetings  among  the  municipal  bodies  of  our  large  cities; 
Ma  (aty  are  of  still  more  value  as  the  means  of  bringing  royalty  into 
communication  with,  and  enabling  it  to  show  its  sympathy  of  idea  and 
feeling  wHh,  all  dassea  of  the  people. 


THE  EXHIBITION  PLAGUE. 

OOP  J£iL  Punch,— I  am  a  wife,  and  the 
mother  of,  at  present,  five  healthy 
children;  and  write  without  mv  hus- 
band's knowledge,  who— except  tnat  he 
will  have  liis  own  way,  which  was  never 
meant  for  men,  whatever  they  may  Mtf 
to  the  contrary— ia  as  good  a  areMore 
(for  a  man)  as  ever  broke  bread.  I 
write,  X  say,  about  this  show  that  thev  *n 
going  to  put  under  a  glass  case  in  H/de 
Park.  1  am  told— and  I  believe  it— 
that  the  Exhibition,  as  they  call  it, 
wfll  bring  another  Great  Plague  of 
London.  I  hear  that  in  the  UtUoa  Jfack^ 
evening  newspaper,  we're  promised  the 
cart  and  the  bell  Bgaiu ;  and  all  along  of  the  millions  of  foreigners 
that,  like  herrings  m  a  barreJ,  will  twgia  to  wedge  up  London  in 
the  spring;  getting  closer  aud  closer  through  June  and  July.  It's 
reckoned,  Mr.  Punch,  in  that  paper,  that  every  family's  circle  will  be 
widened  twice  its  size,  just  as  il  you  stretched  a  tca-cnp  into  a  alop- 
bfrsin ;  and  that  hardly  a  cupboard  will  cxi^t  that  hasn't  a  lodger.  In 
the  scramble  that 's  to  come,  it  will  be  a  mercy  if— for  a  day  together— 
people  And  (heir  own  relations.  But,  Sir,  it's  the  Plague— or  rather 
thr  many  Plagues— that 's  to  be  brought  among  us  by  the  swarming 
milliona  :  the  Plague  on  one  luind,  says  the  Union  Jack^  and  the  famine 
—for  how  are  these  millions  to  be  boarded— <m  the  other  ?  I  'ni.told 
we  may  expect,  among  many  other  contx^yutions  to  the  £xhibitio& 

of  1851  :— 

"Tri  Buck  JAi'rDioa,  vsofl  AjonioA; 
Pixsv,  nov  RiTWu; 
Co:mrt»io»  Fit*,  man  P»*j«;k, 
TitK  UiTMH,  rmi>M  Ouaoi; 
TBI  Kiya'i  Ettl,  nox  Napum; 
RiCKjm,  nuw  Spaiw; 
Bt.  Amthovt'i  Pima,  rM»ii  FoftTTOAX.; 
OsorcT,  noM  Bouj^kd;  avd 

TBI  SOABIKT  nvn,  raoH  ROMB. 

"Now,  Mr.  Punch,  it  rests  with  you  to  prevent  all  this.  It 'a  clear 
enough,  according  to  the  Union  Jack,  that  there's  no  bouses  for  the 
millions ;  and  if  they  're  only  attempted  to  be  taken  in  and  boarded, 
what's  above  must  follow.  Tn  this  pickJe,  the  country  looks  to  too. 
OooldnH  the  foreigners  be  pitclied  in  tents  on  Blackheatb  and  in  Bat- 
tersea  Fields,  and  their  pulses  felt,  and  their  tonguea  looked  to  by  the 
Board  of  Health,  every  day  before  they  came  to  London  ? 

"  I  put  this  as  a  simple  question,  and  awaiting  your  reply,  I  tm, 
Mr.  PmMcJk, 

"Yours, 

*"Ak  Auxtous  Wire  AWD  Mothxr." 


Oonaecration  of  St.  IfAiy's  Ohorch. 

Mk.  Godwtm's  new  and  beautiful  church  of  St.  Mary's,  BromptoB, 
was  oonsecrated  last  week  by  the  Bishop  or  LoimoK.  The  atmeture 
had  been  most  liberally  contnbuted  to :  the  pile  is,  indeed,  a  monument 
of  charity  and  piety.  Mr.  GmrrBR  gave  the  ground;  and  even  on  the 
day  of  consecration  the  collection,  we  are  tokL  was  most  liberal.  And 
thu  brings  us  to  toe  rite  of  consecration.  Were  the  fcea  remitted  f 
The  report  of  tha  ceremony,  otherwise  so  full,  is  silent  on  this  head : 
we  are  sorry  for  it.  We  should  be  happy  to  learn  that  the  ground  wu 
conscoiktea  gratis ;  for,  judging  from  the  usual  costliness  of  the  ofre- 
mony.  the  heiAhen  slight  almost  think  that  money,  and  not  dcvotiOB« 
was  tne  eusoopal  element  of  consecration — Cash,  not  prayer,  i 


BRITISH   AUD   AKERICAN  ELECTRIC  TLUrD. 

CoXFLAorTS  are  being  made  of  the  tardiness  of  the  Electric  Telegruh, 
as  if  its  flash  of  electricity  were  sometimes  a  flash  in  the  pan.  The 
superiority  of  the  American  mode  of  transmitting  messages  hy  this 
wonderful  invention  is  notorious;  and  if  we  did  not  know  that  it  was 
owing  to  their  CompanieA  being  more  active,  as  well  as  libenl.  than  our 
own,  we  should  ascribe  it  to  the  electric  fluid  which  they  employ, 
being  *'  greased  lightning." 


I 


NoTBpfo  can  exceed  the  sctivitjof 
the  Folica  after  &  great  crime  or 
robbery  has  neen  committed.  Ihtf 
will  nm  lUeir  legs  off  in  ptu^t  of 
Lbc  stolen  horse,  as  &oon  u  they  h«ve 
been  informed  it  has  been  stoieii; 
but  to  keep  a  watch  upon  the  stable- 
door,  or  to  tz7  whether  it  is  properly 
locked^  is  &  tliiog  that  never  enlecB 
the  area  of  their  iiuaginatioas. 

The  recent  burglorr  in  the  Stand 
fumishes  us  with  anotoer  prool  of  this 
tremendous  actirity  that  nlwars  eocnes 
too  late.  The  aooounts  afiTce  uaani. 
mously  in  saying  that  "Tho  I'alioe 
arc  in  active  pursuit  of  the  deliup 
Qucnts."  Now  it  strikes  us  strongly, 
that  if  the  Police  were  only  to  bestow 
ont;  half  the  zeal  in  preventing  a  rob* 
berv,  which  they  generallT  display  iu 
Hotiiiig  it  out,  many  thousand  pounds, 
and  probably  a  few  iire.\  would  be 
saved  in  the  course  of  every  year; 
nnd  that,  also,  there  would  not  be  so 
many  inquiries  and  cries  of  wrmder- 
mcnt  heanl,  after  reading  every  fresh 
case  of  burgtarr,  as  to  Where  cw/tf 
ihe  Police  have  been?" 


THE  POPE  "TRYING  IT  ON"  IIR.  JOHN  BULU 


THE  STEP  NOT  TAKEN. 

The  Dean  and  Chapter  of  St.  Paul's 
have  very  recently  shown  a  most  praise- 
worthy  defereacc  to  the  wishes  of  the 
eople,  and  to  justice  in  the  abstract. 
.'he  Dean  and  Chapter  of  St.  Paul's 
tiiive  taken  decided  st«p9  iu  the  right 
direction :  namely, 

The  Dean  and  Chapter  of  St.  Paul's 
have  adopted  two  steps  at  the  north 
entrance  of  the  Cathedral. 

The  Dean  and  Chajpter  of  St.  Paul*! 
have  further  vouctisafed  to  the  public 
two  steps  to  the  south  of  the  Cathe- 
dral. 

But  towards  the  abolition  of  the  two- 
pence to  the  interior  of  the  Cathe- 
and»  the  Dean  and  Chapter  have  taken 
DO  step  whatever. 


THE  CVEDINAL'S  LLAT. 

All  the  world— or,  iu  other  words,  all  the  readers  of  PwarA— may 
not  know  that  the  hat,  the  scarlet  hat,  the  Cardinal's  hat  of  C.ihdinal 
WoLaET.  yet  remains  ounone  us.  It  was  poked  out  of  a  lot  of  bye-grune 
rubbish  lying  in  the  Great  Wardrobe  by  Bisnop  Burnet,  when  Clerk 
of  the  Closet.  From  Buunkt's  son,  the  judge,  it  passed  to  the 
ConxTEM  Dowager  op  Alhemarlh,  who  gave  it  to  Horace  Wal- 
rOLE,  who  treasured  the  relic  among  kindrod  rarities,  in  the  Holbein 
Chamber  at  Strawberry  Hill ;  until  the  glories  of  Gingerbread  Ca-stlc 
were  knocked  down  and  dispersed  by  the  Hauuuer-Bcarcr — the 
Auctioneer  Tuob— Geoeqe  Kobiks,  under  the  Piazzas  in  Covent 
Garden. 

^  The  Hat,  when  sold  from  Strawberry  Hill,  was  in  a  miserable  con- 
dition; stained,  faded,  moth-eaten;  hardly  thread  hung  to  thread. 
Divested  of  its  historical  associations,  it  wns  doubtful  whether  a 
chimney-sweeper,  intent  upon  his  May  wardrobe,  woiUd  have  accepted 
the  hat  from  any  large-hearted  houscmaii  Bj^uolly  doubtful  is  it, 
whether  any  boy  of  decent  spirit,  with  a  proper  pnde  in  the  appearance 
ofhisGrv  Pa wkes,  would  have  clapt  the  hat  upon  the  etfig^  of  that 
magnificent  rutfian;  a  sad  fellow  who,  ncvcrllicless,  has  met  with  scant 
justice  from  jxwterity.  Foi  there  are  ext^nuntinsr circumstances — shown 
u  a  recent  biography— that  ought  to  tcU  kindly  upon  the  memory  of 
Fawkxs;  since  it  is  now  proved  that,  by  his  own  confession,  his 
principal  object  iu  blowing  up  Parliament  "  was  to  blow  tlic  Scotch 
Mck  H)  their  own  country.      An  endeavour  that,  wc  think,  ought  to 


bo  charitably  considered  by  an  unprejudiced  gencratioa.  But  to  rctmn 
to  Cardinal  WoLser's  hat. 

The  hat,  within  this  week  or  so,  has  niarvelloualy  recovered  itself. 
Nay,  a  miracle  has  been  worked  in  the  hat.  The  thing  so  old  and 
faded  has  beoomc  bright  and  better  than  new.  The  scarlet  nas  retunied. 
and  is  as  vivid  in  colour  as  the  blood— that  thaws  every  year,  to  be 
ccnlinucd  in  the  next— in  the  phial  of  St.  Janiiajuus.  And  more  than 
this  ;  tlte  \\i\i  tlmt  was  shapeless,  aud  lopped  like  a  sick  ass's  cats,  has 
gathered  itself  up.  as  tliough  inaiinct  with  the  knowledge  that  it  is 
about  to  be  colled  upon  to  appear  again  in  public,  aft«r  the  neglect  and 
long  sloeu  of  ceulurics.  Haply  the  hat  remembers  the  glones  of  its 
Cardinal  Master. 

The  hat— for  mirudes  must  work  in  the  web — may  thrill  with  the 
recuUection  of  the  time,  when  Cardinal  Wolset — 

*'  Came  out  of  hli  privr  chambDr  kboDt  •(ffht  of  tlio  clock,  appareUed  all  (d  tvd ;  fliat 
U  to  say,  hla  upper  iparmsDC  waa  altbar  uf  fino  acftrlet,  or  tamty,  bat  naoit  oonmaalT 


or  flue  aaUB  eoffralnad ;  bU  pUUra  of  Oiw  Hartat,  with  a  aoek  a*!  to  tha  liiatf  sUa 
with  black  ralTBi,  and  a  tippet  or  aaMas  about  hUMck-  bntdiofflo  hU  banJanoraDi 
wbenof  UMmaator  autMtanoa  within  vaa  Ukeaoat,an(l  fiUndop  agalo  wttb  thspart 


a  afMBga,  vfaonla  vac*  rlncgar  and  otbar  eonreotloiu,  acalnst  tha  peattlant  alrsa. 
And  baltara  Uoi  wu  boroa  flnt  the  broad  aaal  of  EaRland,  and  bla  CAAttiSAL'a  Hat  bf 
a  Lord  or  aoaia  gmtlamao  of  wurahlp,  ligbt  aoletnnlf." 

Aud  SO  the  Cardinal  would  go  to  Westminster  Hall  door ;  and  there 
he  "judged  every  estate."  And  the  HaL  the  Wolset  Hat.  that  has 
survivea  to  the  nineteenth  century,  like  Landor's  shell,  "  remembers 
its  august  abodes."  and  by  the  renewed  blood-rcd  freshness  of  its 
colour,  and  the  sudden  arrogance  of  its  cock,  evidently  hopes  to  become 
a  Wybemam  in  the  present  generation. 


I 


■I 


PUNCH,  OR   THE  LONDON   CHARIVARL 


193 


p 


I 


EXPECTATIONS  FROM   ROME. 

HE  Gentlxhax  whose  pro* 
bttf  and  maffiumunity,  no 
less  than  bis  stnrdiness  of 
frame  and  amplitude  of 
person,  whose  solid  tindcr- 
standingr,  cquAlly  with  bis 
cuodoufi  babilinionts,  are 
well  known  to  tltc  readers 
of  these  paj^es — the  gentle- 
man in  whoso  wcUare  we 
are  all  deeply  intcreated — 
would  be  glad  to  know 
wimt  an.'thelimit-s,  if  any, 
of  ibe  authority  wliicb  the 
PopK  OP  KoME  claims  to 
exercise  in  Great  Britain 
and  Ireland,  aud  where 
the  interference  of  his 
"Holiness  in  the  concerns 
of  the&e  dominions  may  be 
expected  to  btoo.  Mr. 
JoHK  Bull,  in  siiort,  will 
thank  any  learned  Doctor 
of  the  Roman  Church,  or 
other  competent  persons  who  will  satisfy  his  anxious  mind  on  these 
p&riicuJar^. 

Mb.  Bull  lias  been  told  that  the  supremacy  pretended  to  by  the 
Roman  Pontikp  in  this  realm  is  confineu  to  spiritual  matters,  if  by 
matters  spiritual  are  simply  meant  moral  and  theolo^cal  doctrines,  and 
rites  of  worship,  Mr.  Bcll  says,  welt  and  Rood.  Let  the  ^ora  lay 
down  the  law  on  thcee  subjects,  and  welcome.    Mr.  Bull  will  be 


hauny  to  return  the  favour. 


hit  if,  m  the  pontiiic&l  view,  spiritual  matters  are  all  matters  that 
may  possibly  have  a  apintuol  bearing  —  institutions  founded  by  the 
Legislature  for  the  diifusion  of  common  information,  for  example,  like 
the  Queen's  Colleges — and  the  Pope  holds  himself  entitled  to  dictate 
respecting  them,— fair  and  softly,  says  Ma.  John  Btjll;  for  Mr. 
Bull  would  tike  exceedingly  to  be  iofonned,  whether  there  is  any  one 
of  our  political  or  social  arrHngements  of  which  liis  Houitess  does  noi 
think  he  ought  to  have  the  control.  All  of  them  ore  capable  of  hevag 
considered  under  the  head  of  good  or  bad  ;  all.  therefore,  hare  a  monu, 
therefore  a  spiritual  bearing ;  and  therefore  are  all  subject  to  the  juris- 
diction of  the  Pope  of  Roue,  for  aught  Mr.  Bitll  at  present  sees  to 
thiB  contrary. 

Will  his  HouKESS— possibly,  one  of  these  days — take  it  into  his 
head  to  condemn  Mr.  Bull's  railways,  as  being  too  convenient  and 
comfortable,  and  opposed  to  the  sjplrit  of  mortification  and  asceticism, 
and  tending,  by  Ibe  promotion  of  intercommiuiication,  to  pro;pagate  a 
dangerous  freedom  of  opinion,  and  an  increase  of  knowledge  inaepen- 
dently  of  faith  ? 

Will  he  be  pleased  to  fulminate  an  edict  against  sanitary  regulations, 
and  precautions  against  plague  and  pestilence,  on  the  groond  that  Lbcy 
are  baaed  on  a  heterodox  belief  iu  the  natural  laws,  and  that  we  ought 
wholly  to  trust  to  litanies  and  supplications  instead  ?  Especially  m  the 
axiom  of  the  heresiarch  Wzaley,  that  cleanliness  is  next  to  godliness, 
is  on  error,  being  refuted  by  the  practice  of  divers  remarkable  saints. 

Ib  it  not  cooaidcrahly  probable  that  he  will  take  upon  tumself  to 
anAtbematisc  Mr.  Bull's  whole  system  of  Iwral  provision  for  the  poor, 
because  it  discourages  mendicity,  and  therefore  charity,  or  indiscrimi- 
nate almsgiving,  as  the  profession  exists,  and  tlie  virtue  is  nnwiineil,  in 
orthodox  cities  on  the  continent,  to  the  great  temporal  aaTontnge,  as 
well  OS  spiritual  twnetit  of  their  inhabitants? 

Una  not  Mb.  Bull  fair  reason  to  appreliend  that  the  Pope  will,  at 
■OOD  as  may  be  expedient,  declare  his  clerg)'  to  be  irrcsiK>asihlc  to  the 
law  of  the  land,  andjmienabtc  only  to  ecclesiastical  tribunals  Y 

May  not  his  Holiness  be  expected  to  decide,  in  due  time,  that  a 
Soverrium  and  a  Parliament  of  liis  own  communion  arc  vastly  preferable 
to  "  i  Hit  QuEKK  ai\d  Ijegiblalurc,  iuid  lo  invoke  nil  his  subjects, 
0)1  ance,  to  aid  and  abet  in  carrying  iiis  derision  out  ^ 

L^^;...,  .,..i  the  PoFE  or  Rome  ever  be  satisfied  with  the  authority 
meseasod  by  him  in  this  country. 'till  John  Bull  becomes  a  Pnpfil 
Bt;u«  entirely,  and  he  has  that  stout  and  worthy  gentleman — beaver. 
broadcloth,  boot?,  breeches,  crabstick,  watch,  chain,  seals,  and  all — at 
his  foot,  kissing  his  shoe  F 


THE  MANCHESTER  BOYS'  AND  GIRLS'  SCHOOL. 
ACABB. 

Mb.  R.  Cobdek,  M.P.,  aud  friends,  invite  the  attention  of  FarenU, 
Guardians,  and  Ministeni  of  all  denominations,  including  those  of  the 
Downing  ijtreet  persuasion,  to  the  advantages  offered  by  their  compre< 
hensive  educational  establishment,  hitherto  Known  aMhc  Manchestk& 
iScnooi^  which  now  presents  it«clf  to  public  notice  in  a  character  wtiich 
must  secure  for  it  the  patronage  of  all  rational  persons,  whatever  may 
bo  their  opinions  respecting  the  corn-trade  and  import>duties  on  foreign 
commodities.  This  cf  Icbmted  Commercial  Academy  has  hitherto  almost 
wholly  confined  itself  to  rcanug  Ibe  poUtico-eeonomical  thought,  and 
tcachm^  the  young  fmancial  idea  how  to  shoot:  a  delightful  task,  ccr- 
taiidy,  but  limited  in  the  sphere  of  its  usefulness.  The  culightenmfnt 
of  the  sort  of  darkness  that  prevails  among  clowns  and  'squires  was  an 
object  of  great  importance;  but  Mr.  Cobdex  and  liis  coadjutors  feel, 
that  the  time  has  arri\'ed  when  the  popular  teacher  muat  do  something 
more  than  instruct  rural  simplicity  to  distinguish  Iwtwceu  the  rijilit 
hand  and  the  left,  and  to  discrmiiuate  the  caseous  product  of  Cheshire 
frtjm  the  material  wliich  constitutes  the  Ilampshirc  Downs.  To  the 
general  inculcation  of  the  fact  that  two  and  two  make  four,  they  intend 
to  add  instruction  in  all  the  niles  of  aritlnnctic,  and  in  matbcmalics,  as 
also  in  the  English  and  other  languages,  living  and  dead,  log(>ther  with 
history,  geography— including,  of  coarse,  the  use  of  the  globes — geology, 
chemislr}',  natural  i)hilDsophy,  and  thu  elements  of  onnlomy,  physiology, 
medicine,  and  jurisprudence. 

For  further  particulars  relative  to  their  contemplated  imdertaking, 
see  the  proceetungs  of  the  "  Conference  "  of  it^s  friends  and  supjwrters, 
who  met  on  the  30th  ultimo,  at  the  Mechanics'  Institution,  Manchester, 
and  resolved  themselves  into  a  Societv^  entitled  the  "National  Public 
School  Association.'*  The  "  National  Public  School "  will  be  a  juvenile 
extension  of  the  original  Manchester  educational  establishment.  It  will 
be  a  real  seminary  for  young  ladies  and  gentlemcu  composing  the  mass 
of  the  community,  inteDde<l  to  imbue  them  with  common  sense  and 
common  information,  notwithstanding  that  their  frocks  may  be  made  of 
calico,  and  their  trousers  of  corduroy.  The  clergy  of  different  persuar 
sions  are  iiarlicularly  invited  to  patronise  this  Academy,  as  the  reverend 
gentlemen  may  each  rest  assured  that  no  doctrines  contrary  to  his  own 
will  be  inculcated  there. 
^  In  other  words,  the  instr\iction  given  in  the  Natiouid  School  will  bo 
simply  secular.  Matters  of  faith  and  opinion  would  by  all  means  be 
taught  in  the  School,  as  well  as  matters  of  fact  and  science,  were  it  not 
that  equity  would  demand  that  every  variety  of  clergyman  should  be 
allowed  to  preach  to  the  pupils  in  turn :  on  expedient  wliicli  would  be 
attended  with  much  inconvenience,  ana  some  confusion,  and  after  all, 
most  probably,  would  not  answer  the  end  proposed.  For  the  fimds 
ncccssarj'  to  the  success  of  their  grand  undertaking,  its  promoters  look 
to  the  (jovemmcnt ;  on  which  they  intend  to  call  for  the  institution  of 
"a  general  svstcm  of  secular  instruction,  maintained  by  local  rates,  and 
managed  by  local  authorities."  The  prime  object  uf  their  Association 
at  present  is  to  arouse  public  opinion  to  the  urgency  and  importance  of 
their  demand,  which  IS  opposca  only  bv  stin^ness  and  bigotry.  But 
the  stingincas  which  grudges  a  acnool-rate  is  punished  with  prison- 
expenses,  and  the  bigotry  which  denies  information  has  liad  already 
some  return  in  kind ;  and,  in  case  of  continued  obstinacy,  may  reap  its 
final  reward  in  a  papal  interdict. 

Mb.  C.  and  his  cuUcagoes  hope  iliat  these  considerations  will  have 
due  weighty  and  trust  to  be  enabled  by  the  goo<l  sense  of  Parliament  to 
meet  their  young  friends  shortly  after  the  vacation. 


An  Attomey-Oeneral  for  Everybody. 

It  has  often  been  said.  that,  to  secure  the  ends  of  justice,  we  want  a 
Pabb'c  Prosecutor  in  this  country.  Tho  truth  of  that  lUHsertiim  was 
never  so  maoifiest  as  it  is  now,  when  everjbitdy  feels  bow  much  such  an 
officer  is  wanted,  in  order  to  prosecute  the  PuBhc's  right  of  way  through 
Glen  Tilt 


A  NEW  COLOUR  lOR  A  CARDINAL. 

The  odd  conduct  of  the  Pope  oy  Roick  towards  the  Queen  iuid 
Legislature  of  Enghind,  in  creating  an  AKcmiisiiop  t>K  Westminster, 
has  intidc  a  deal  of  noi»e,  wherein  the  groans  preponderate  kirgcly  over 
llie  plaudits.  Now  if  his  Hoj.i.nkss  wishes  lo  conblilule  an  extraordi- 
nary Archbialiop.  with  the  upprubalion  of  the  whole  civilised  world. 
Mr.  pKHch  will  put  him  in  the  way  of  doing  so.  )Vhat  the  pontifical 
arrange nient.s  are,  in  the  Southern  States  of  America,  Mr.  Punch  does 
not  know  ;  but  he  conceives  they  do  not  include  what  he  proposes  they 
should. 

What  doe«  his  Ugliness  say  to  a  negro  metropolitan— «ay  a  black 
Archbishop  of  Charlcstown,  with  jurisdiction  over  South  Carolina  pnr- 
ticulariy,  and  in  general  over  the  whole  of  the  Southern  States  o( 
America?  Make  the  black  man  a  Cardinal  as  well ;  give  him  a  scariet 
hat,  carefullv  engaging  him,  of  course,  not  to  go  to  a  hop  in  it.  Here 
would  he  a  fine  oppirtunity  of  reading  the  Yaiucees  a  lesson  of  humility 
— of  pnx'liiiniinjr  the  tjrtat  Calholic  dogma  of  the  essential  equality  oi 
the  hunmn  race,— and,  wilhul.  of  dealing  »  heavy  blow  at  slavery. 
Will  the  only  answer  to  this  &U)fgestion  be.  that  the  idea  of  making  a 
nigger  a  Prince  of  the  Chorch,  is  too  ridiculous  f 


-^Kl,  !«V. 


iU 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


MORE   ABOUT   HATS. 

Bg  mtr  (fwjt  CfftHmiiMiEnir  in  tfarth  it/atK, 

ir&  blow  at  the  Britiab  liat  has  been  severely  felt; 
and  the  British  public  la  at  length  widii  ftWftke  to 
the  iraprtance  of  a  b weeping  liat  reform*  But 
we  will  not  leave  our  work  li&lf  a<3cotiipbshed. 
It  is  not  enough  to  lew  tiic  crown  froni  tlie 
rergnii:^  liat;  we  are  bound  alao,  Lo  find  n.  sue- 
ocbJK)r  more  worthy  of  a  phs^ti  at  ihc  head  oF 
Sriti&h  hnimijut/, 

Ttie  subject  is  acmiirin^  an  increased  interest 
froju  reoent  evcuts  in  liome,  Wluithos  the  Pope 
given  Dn.  Wiskuak  ?  A  Lat  P  And  see  wliat 
a  btonii-cloud  is  gathering  out  of  it, — black  and 
IhretiteniTi;!,  like  tlie  DjLn  out  of  the  bottle,  in 
the  Aratiaa  Niffhl*  B^t^tdihJHfmi, 

llaviiis,  by  order  of  Mr.  Fttnck^  completed  a 
Hutfipliobic  tour  on  the  CouiincTat,  wiih  a  mis- 
aion  "  to  observe  the  cities  mid  La's  of  many  men."  I  now  proceed  to 
record  my  eipenence,  under  its  several  ethnical  ticads— I  sbould  aay  Lata. 
I  did  not  include  France  in  my  iomney,  fur  several  reiisona.  In  the 
first  platie,  the  French  nre  a  light-liendetl  people,  and  light  heads  are 
satisncd  wJtb  lighter  \\vX^  thau  would  a\iit  the  5olidity  of  tlie  En^li^h 
naiuret  Again,  people's  hetids  iri  France  having  bcca  a  f^ood  deal 
lurncd  by  recent  iirjutical  evf^nlsjlicrfilias  becEi,  in  consequence,  such  a 
turning  of  hala  [and  coats),  that  llic  obscrrnlion  of  tcj-da)'  niay  Inm  out 
i|uitc  valueless  for  to-morrow.  Tlic  bonnei  rouge  quite  Liut  the  bat  to  the 
}j|ush,  for  a  few  moiitba  after  February,  *4S.  Yet  to-diiiy  wc  find  every 
Frenclnnan  en^er  to  put  bia  mob-cap  into  his  pocket,  and  mount  froinc 
kind  of  a  hat.  There  is,  for  cxuTnplt\  the  ckftpcau  a  fricor/ie-^^iliG  little, 
old,  three  comered  hat»  wbicb  the  President,  and  the  Sodety  of  l]m 
Bii  P^cembre  have  been  ni&king  a  dtaperaJe  attenipt  to  bring  up  and 
qkp  at  the  bead  of  t^vcrythiuiEC  in  Fnuiec  ^  but  it  has  gone  by  witu  the 
Emperor  —  France  rcfaaca  to  be  three-comer-hatled,  just  us  &be 
refused  to  be  bonneted  after  FeT^ruary. 

Then  there  i*  Die  wondert'til  Soeialisl  Hat.  which  Louis  Blabc, 
CjLBkt  and  Cdvpaosib  deolare  will  fSt  everybody.  Thia  niuait  ben 
desccudHut  iif  Fortuiiatus's  wishinE  cap,  for  lliey  asetirc  ua  tlial  those 
who  wear  it  will  have  everythtns?  tbev  want*  But  the  world  baa  never 
yet  seen  a  sppcimen  of  it  fried  on.  From  a  momentary  ffUmpsc  I  hase 
aecn  of  one  (brought  over  to  London  by  one  of  the  eiilea  of  June)  it 
strikes  me  as  very  like  the  old  cap  of  libcrtv  turned  inaidc  out,  witfe  a 
new  trimroitig.  Somebody  in  France  ww/  have  the  farooua  Mind-cap  of 
KiNfi  Ot-AL's  of  Norway^  of  which  we  are  told,  that  when  he  put  it 
on^  all  winds  blew  as  he  listed,  and  the  mt^t  dreadful  temt^e^U  and 
storms  prevailEd.  The  gentleman  who  has  this  hcaddrcw  in  hia  pos- 
$e9$ioa  nas  certainly  been  too  fond  of  trying  it  on  for  the  last  two  yeara 
or  so.  But,  we  repeat  itj  these  arc  not  Tlie  ooH  of  aiticles  for  English 
wearJDg. 

Again,  France  has  helped  very  much  to  perpeluate  Die  reign  of  tbe 
chimney-pot  Had  we  wen  left  to^tlie  Eoiliali  beaver*  not  all  the 
industry  of  the  whole  beaver  community  could  iiavc  kept  its  hat  above 
water.  It  was  posilivelv  too  liot  and  licavy,  and  dear,  to  be  tolerated 
even  by  conservative  Eufilishiiicn.  But  in  stept  the  FrcuchuiaUj  so 
clever  at  flivinft  fi  new /5>rnjr*  to  an  old /eW,  and  invented  the  French 
vclvtt  hat,  a  Hghler,  cheaper,  and  altogether  more  wearable  shaj^c  of 
the  old  niiisancei  and  we  contiuucd  to  wear  the  ehimncy-iiot  m  its 
French  faithion. 

It  is  lo  France  also  that  we  owe  the  Gf/j/tt  or ppriii^hat.  Here  was 
another  inpri-uioua  aUiMiipl  of  our  Invcntivt  ncifrhhourit  Xn  reconcile  the 
irreeoneileablc— to  make  a  hat,  whicbj  vthili-  a  rhiiniipy-iKit  on  tlie  bead, 
should  l^^minc  a  soup.]ihitc  in  tlic  hand,  and  which  thus  ventured  where 
the  Bril.itth  beaver  never  could  liavc  thrust  itself,  into  routs  irnd  biiUs, 
and  under  didrs  of  public  dinnL'r>,  nml  in  fhc  [»its  of  (heatres.  These 
two  invi*ntions,  we  say,  have  been  riiost  injurious  to  society.  They 
were  nalliutives  of  an  evil;,  which  but.  for  t.hcm  tnu^t  have  been  swept 
awiiyltiii^f  11^1,  They  were  tlw  Itrfann  which  Iihsj  staved  off  for  a  Ume 
aa  iuevttabte  mid  wholesome  Itcvoluiion. 

For  tbf-se  reasona  1  dek'rniined  to  avoid  France,  and  took  the  stcaiticr 
to  Oateud,  willk  the  intention  of  proceeduig  by  Germany  to  llalv. 

In  Iklffiuui  I  found  evidences  thai  even  here  the  daya  of  the  cJiiraneT- 
pot  were  nuinbtjred.  Even  imitative  Belgium  hua  pronounced  for  felt. 
No  great  amount  of  laslc  is  duplaycd  in  the  in&urrcelionary  head-pieces 
BH  yet.  The  sngar^oaf  form  ia  cictensivcly  prevalent  j  but  the  brim  a 
loudly  demand  extenaiou.  There  isj  however,  a  disjKwition  to  recur  to 
the  Old  form  in  the  new  material,  which  we  must  describe  aa  re-actionarv. 
It  is  the  effete  monarcliy  of  the  chimacypot  attempting  insidiously 
to  re-eatabliah  itself  under  the  shelter  of  the  social  wide-awake.  But 
there  are  not  wantbg  those  who  are  sternly  bent  on  ahakinif  off  every 
Tcatigc  of  llie  doomed  cylinder— that  Bourbon  of  hata^  which  never  aeema 
to  learn  anytlinig  or  to  forget  anytliing.  I  noticed  with  pleasure,  in  the 
train  belwcen  Briii|*c3  and  Ghent,  a  gTowini?  bre^idth  in  the  bnm  and 
lowering  of  the  crown,  which  apoke  the  old  spirit  of  tliose  fre«  burRber 


oommunitieB^  who  gave  the  Counts  of  Flanders  such  a  lesson  tmder  the 
Arteveldas.  But  nata  wiU  riever  develo|ie  themsehea  thoroughly  in 
Belgium.  There  are  too  many  soldiers — an  army  of  50,000,  to  a  pcpa* 
lationof  between  four  and  five  milliona,  besides  590,000  National  Gtiarai! 
The  bravery  of  the  Belgian  i^  proverbial,  but  the  schako  has  cm^ed 
the  hat.  In  every  railway  carriage,  you  may  cal^^olate  on  three  soldion 
to  every  four  civdiana,  and  though  their  bodies  are  puny  their  beid- 
pieoes  are  preposteroua.  Homim  tiebnets  of  black  leather,  with  spikca 
a-top,  created  Greek  helmets,  with  great  brass  conea;  hour-glass  Lanocr 
schioa.  Infantry  cylinders,  with  fihavin^'hrushea  a-top  bear-skiti 
muffs,  *£-^  — and  every  other  variety  in  which  the  genius  of  the  voiaU 
Gcrmaji  or  Belfrian  potentate  runs  riot,  are  seen  in  plaOC  of  weU'deHwal; 
civil  coverings  of  the  head, 

Moreover,  of  the  above  fonr  civilians,  two  are  certain  to  be  prkats^ 
and  the  priest's  hat  is  an  object  of  our  xmcom promising  opposiibn. 
Its  original  IB  the  noble  sitntbrero,  but  snpeistition  has  crualjed  the 
crown,  while  narrow-mindedness  has  clipped  three  cantlcs  out  of  the 
brim^  and  formalism  has  lurried  up  the  cdgca,  till  it  now  resembles 
nothmg  but  a  triiitijrle  of  spouting  set  round  a  black  jelly-monld — taking 
np  a  great  deal  of  room,  but  casting  no  breadth  of  shibde — wide  u  the 
pretensions  of  the  Church  of  Rome,  but  sballow  aa  her  foundatkau  in 
tliis  Island.  Such  a  hat  can  never  take  root  is  England,  aay  more 
ihan  the  broad-brimmed,  sliff-crowned  abominations  of  FaTBSm  Ksw- 
ifAK^g  Oratorians. 

On  the  whole,  I  saw  little  iu  Belgium  to  recoiSEnend  for  direct  imita- 
tion in  the  new  hat  era  which  I  trust  is  dawning  for  Great  Britain. 
There  was  an  evident  disposition  in  hats,^  as  in  books,  towards  the 
cGHire/oKOH  BeJpe,  and  the  servile  reproduction  of  French  oHgtnals  had 
obviously  cramped  all  free  development  of  the  hat  of  the  Netherlands* 
Still,  thn  Belgian  hat,  though  not  yet  wide  awake,  is  stniffiling  to  throir 
dlf  its  nap,  and  I  sec  that  here  also  new  idt^as  in  head-oovertngs  are 
striving  to  express  themselves.  My  Qerouji  obseiTationi  I  Kserre  for 
a  future  communication. 


THE  LORD  MAYOR'S  SHOW. 
"  M».  Punch, 

"  Thil  new  Lord  Mayor  has  reformed  his  show,  brmgtnf  K  op 

to  the  inleliigence  of  the  times.  He  has  a  camel,  an  dcphant,  ataga, 
(not  railway),  and  so  forth.  "Why  he  has  omitted  the  hippopotamuF,  b« 
perhaps  cffff  answer  to  his  midnight  nillow.  Butwhy  nc.  naa  left  me 
out  from  the  procession*  it  la  unposdible  for  human  ingenuity  to  iavent 
an  excuse-.  Thcreforej  let  him  answer  to  the  Corporation  of  tK/ttdaak 
why,  in  the  leformed  procession,  he  has  omitted  the  prceenoe  of, 
"  Your»,  iff.  PvficJi, 

"  A  LlV£LT  (bQI  LfSlQlIAlIT}  TURTLB. 

"  P.S.— Indeed,  lialf-a-dozen  of  us,  harnessed  to  a  shell  chariotj  (Ml. 
WiMTEii,  of  the  Hnymnrket  would,  with  his  customary  bcnignKy, 
have  lent  the  article^}  must  have  had  a  very  pretty  effect,  drawing 
ihc  slowest  Alderman  of  the  Corporation  There  flMuld  also  bave  beco 
a  signlQcanee  in  the  emtflin^  pace  ol  the  turtle,  illustrative  of  the  pro- 
gress of  Smithfield  reform  in  tbe  City. 

"  P,S.  No.  2,^Thougb  we,  turtle,  arc  left  out  of  the  piooeisiDO,  I 
supijosu  wo  shall  bo  found  in  the  tarecna." 


TALENT  WILL  M.^KE  A  NAME, 

It  is  a  somewhat  remarkable  fac^  that  vrheneveir  native  tjdeni  trtea 
to  make  a  name,  it  begins  by  making  a  foreign  one.  Tbnxigb  eren  th« 
huiiiblcbt  walks  of  the  drama,  wb  And  j£FF£Rira  expanding  into 
JtifFKniNi,  the  Silver faniily  Komanising thcmselvee  into  the  Su^Vdiirtt 
and  one  HEOisit — a  aaburban  mimic,  or  ''  country  clown" — flonrtshi^ 
away  in  the  tea-gardens  and  tavern  bills  as  Mo*3.  KsDlSFa,  We 
almost  wonder  that  the  infection  has  not  spread  from  the  mnaical  pot 
of  the  profcseioD,  in  wldch  it  pervades  the  very  highest  ranks,  to  tbe 
corresponding  point  of  tbe  dramatic  worid;  in  which  oaae  we  abooid 
fuid  Mil.  A{j.cBJ^Aj>r  advertised  as  Signo»  Far  Fkonto,  and  Ms. 
Wn-iGur  aunounoed  aa  SlOXQtt  DlBJiro,  in  the  Haymarket  and  Adelpht 
pla^'^bills. 

It  was  with  aorac  surprise  we  learned  the  other  d^y  that  the  Dlffrrw 
fdmUy.  who  liave  become  distin-guished  for  their  tnim^t  perfonoazteo^ 
and  who  announce  thoniselves  aa  Frenchmen,  by  the  aid  or  a  Moauwar 
preQ^ed  to  each  of  their  names,  are  In  factj  all  KngLshmen ;  aiid  ifideedL 
that  thougit  wishing  to  be  mistaken  for  forelguei^  wlien  playing  on 
trheir  Saxhorns,  they  hare,  all  of  them,  the  real  Bai-hom  Uc»od  in  their 
veins. 


£CCLESIjlSTICai.  nrrBLLIGBirCE. 


It  is  reported  that  Bisnor  ULLatHoojfz,  ^ho  baa  laic|v  been  d» 
tinenishing  bimself  by  bfs  ccnespondence  with  the  TEwmNc 
will  bcooeforth  assume  tbe  title  of  "His  OiLiyEad." 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  WNPON  ftUARlYARI. 


105 


TUB  DESTRUCTION  OF  WESTMINSTER  HALL. 

{Being  a  1^^  Lament  for  "  Crtu  Asimarum.") 

ODNTi-CouATS  Bill  came  dowo  like  a  wolf 

on  the  folcL 
And  the  o^eno;  hou&os  were  oarage  and  sold; 
And  in  the  Excheciaer,  the  Flciu,  and  Q.  B., 
Was  ODB  decl&rution  wliere  ten  used  to  be. 

Like  prize  cauliflowers,  iu  tbe  garden  so 

green. 
The  wigs  of  the  leaders  last  "crtu:  an" 

were  seen, 
Like  the  same  cauliflowers^  when  a  blight 

hath  come  down. 
Those  wigs,  on  this '  eras  .am  "  look  rusty 

and  brown. 

JTor  Mr.  J'iTZKOY's  County  Courts  Bill  hath 
pnat. 

Despite  of  John  JcRTis.RTid  lawyers  auhost; 
And  the  hearts  of  sharp-pructioc  attonicys  waxed  cliill. 
As  their  clients  fell  off,  and  their  practice  stood  btill. 

There  sits  the  Q.C.  at  his  table  so  wide. 

But  on  it  no  bnefs  with  red  tape  DLiitly  tied. 

And  his  ];>archn)ent-haed  clicek  tunicth  whiU  as  his  shirt, 

Afl  he  thmks  what  he  '11  ooine  to,  now  law 's  cheap  as  dirt. 

And  there  frets  tiie  Clrrk,  discontentpd  and  pale. 
With  DO  half-B-crown  uuw  p;ud  down  on  i.he  nail. 
The  Courts  are  all  silent,  the  judges  all  yawn. 
O'er  demurrers  unargued  and  pleadings  uudrtiM^. 

And  the  Westminster  ushers  are  loud  in  their  wail. 
There 's  no  motion  of  couree  in  (lie  sad  Court  of  Bail ; 
And  the  cause  of  dear  law,  hv  attorneys  adored, 
Thank  the  new  County  Courts  Bill,  hath  gone  by  the  board ! 


II 


TAKING  THE  NONSENSUS  OF  THE  COUNTRY. 

To  the  Govemoient  falls  tbe  duty  of  taking  the  census  of  the 
country,  bat  it  is  tbe  peculiar  province  of  Punch  to  take  the  nonsensus 
of  England.  As  we  look  around  us.  we  cannot  help  fearing  that  when 
the  rchims  come  to  be  published,  the  latter  will  far  exceeu  in  amount 
the  former. 

First  of  all,  there  are  the  Houses  of  Parliament,  both  old  and  new. 
In  the  old  House  of  Commons  sit  some  658  members,  who  represent 
the  oollectivG  wisdom  of  the  countrv.  We  ean  scarcely  tell  whether 
this  term,  "  Collective  Wisdom,"  applies  to  the  members  themselves,  or 
to  the  persons  who  sent  them  there.  If  the  former,  it  says  hut  little 
for  the  amount  of  wisdom  in  the  coimtry ;  and  if  the  latter,  it  says  still 
less ;  for  what  must  those  persons  be  themselves  when  they  select  such 
poor  specaoens  to  represent  them.  But,  in  either  ease,  the  old  House 
of  Commona  is  fairly  entitled  to  figure  at  the  head  of  the  Nouaeusus  of 
England. 

The  new  House  of  Commons  promises  to  claim  tbe  same  proud  dis- 
tinction, for  what  can  we  say  of  a  House  that  is  wanted  to  hold  upwards 
of  500  members,  and  will  only  accommodate  half  that  number,  ume:ss  we 
murmur  an  rxpresoion  of  wonder  how,  in  the  name  of  Nonsense,  such  a 
HouDO  came  t<>  be  erected  at  ail?— an  expression  which  at  once  would 
introduce  the  new  Houses  of  Parliament  within  the  limits  of  the  Non- 
sen&us  of  the  country. 

Smithfield  Market  will  also  figure  in  the  returns ;  for  a  market  to  be 
placed  in  the  centre  of  a  large  capital,  where  it  can  only  be  productive 
of  obstructions,  nui^mnces,  accidents,  and  deaths,  i.s  micIi  an  arrant  piece 
of  nonsense,  as  could  hardly  find  a  place  anywhere  else  but  in  the  Non- 
scnsus  of  Endand. 

From  Smithfield  Market  to  the  City  Corporation  is  a  natural  jump, 
for  it  is  the  sticks  of  the  one  who  uphold  the  sticks  of  the  other,  and 
really  it  would  puzzle  a  greater  judse  than  we  profess  to  be,  to  decide 
whicm  was  the  greater  piece  of  nonsense  of  the  two  ?  But  for  ages  past, 
aldennen  and  oommon-oonncilmen  have  been  known  for  their  extreme 
lore^  of  talking  nonsense,  and,  therefore,  it  would  be  on  act  of  great  in- 
raatioe  to  omit  their  names  on  the  present  occasion.  The  cuums  of 
8t&  Fetbu  XiAUKif  will  be  particularly  attended  to,  in  a  document 
tliat  addresses  itself  exdusivcfy  to  nonsense. 

It  is  not  neoeasai^  to  partiouUrise  any  more  names  just  at  present. 
We  are  buay  oolleciing  evidence  in  every  institution,  in  every  conrt,  in 
evary  offlce,  in  every  vestr>',  in  every  Up-room,  in  every  nonsensical 
HtUe  comer  iu  the  kingdom,  and  we  arc  sure  that  when  the  astounding 
result  is  laid  before  our  readers,  that  they  will  scarcely  believe  theu- 
eyee  when  they  see  what  a  tremendous  amount  of  nonsense  there  exists 
in  Kng^Ti'T^  !  We  can  safely  declare  that  the  Nonsensua  of  1851  will  be 
IB  ctery  way  worthy  of  the  coontry. 


JENKINS  FOR  ATHOLL  I 


ivbo  follows  his  leader.  That  is  to 
rle  of  any  given  day,  is  generally  an 
u  one  which  appeared  in  the  Jisiet 


Mk.  JauxDiS  is  a  pr- " 
say,  the  Mominff  Potffi  ; 
attack — very  dull  and  ti- 
the day  before. 

Last  Friday,  however,  Mjl  Jenkins  tbonght  fit  to  honour  Mr.  PmieM 
as  well  OS  tiie  TittieJt,  with  his  abusive  obbcrvations.  Both  of  us  have 
had  the  misfortune  to  offend  Mjr.  Jbnkins  by  the  line  we  have  taken 
in  reference  to  the  closure  of  Glen  Tilt  by  Uie  Dtnca  or  Atholl,  in 
whose  service  we  presume  he  is.  And  yet  by  Mb,  Jenkins's  own 
showing,  our  offence  should  be  a  light  une  against  bis  muster— if  the 
DuKB  OF  Atuoll  tg  his  master,  and  the  subjoined  piece  of  ^^tjting  ia 
not  from  the  pen  of  the  Duke  himself : — 


"  Tbfl  owDcnhlp  oC  tlila  land  l*  maloUined  by  tba  Duke  to  be  m  exrlrulvo  u  bl4 
rtjr  In  1 
or  the  ktlt  on  whleh  tbe  Timu  and  AmcA  eoaoentrate  their  fMMtlmtanisu." 


Orue'i  pniMrtr  fn  hU  own  drftvlQK-roon— In  Um  co«t  vhlob  Ike  T«iir4  nti  IiIa  tieck— 


Mh.  Jenkins's  veneration  for  his  master's  wardrobe  would  sccni  to 
be  extreme,  to  judge  from  the  indignation  lie  expreascs  at  the  Ducal 
kilt  having  been  held  up  to  ridicule.  But  then,  to  bo  sure,  the  Duke 
was  in  it. 

Great  stress  is  laid  by  Mfi.  Jekkins  ^-  *'"  •>'*"-  1  f^ct  Ibnt  the 
(luestiou  of  (he  public's  right  of  way  thr<  I't  undecided. 

We  don't  care  a  button- a  button  with  M  •  u|)on  it— for 

that.  Jenkins  himself,  says— ehuddering,  of  ouur&e,  at  making  tbe 
hypothetical  admission — 

''  The  Ul-kb  or  Ataoll  mftjr  lure  tcted  selflslily,  or  unviMljTt  or  uniidviMdly, 
but''— &c.  dto.  Ac. 

May,  Jenkins?  nay.  he  has — we  know  not.  May.  And  tJic  appro- 
priatc  emblem  of  scllisnucss  is  a  small  creature  of  the  canine  topfcics. 


and  there  is  no  harm  in  drawing  it ;  no,  nor  in  adding  to  the  fiketch  a 
Flunkey,  set  to  wash  the  little  animal:  which  would  do  fur  the  figure 
of  Servility,  Mr.  Jknk-ins. 


But  although  we  concentrated  our  facetiousuess  on  the  DuKK  or 
Atuoll's  Idlt,  a  cry  had  been  raised  against  him,  and.  ^ays  Jenkinr, 

•■Tbe  cry  was  Ulun  up  by  Uio  scurrtlou*  printB  which  dli^moe  oijr  pniH ;  llie 
ffubjvet  of  Ui«  libel  lUrtMl  ifl  Ita  Timet  wn»  AbUMd,  cftriuturcd,  imd  vnifletl  with  ererj 
■peoles  of  luftUoe." 

Further  complains  Jenkins,  although  it  has  not  been  settled  that 
the  Duke  lias  the  legal  right  to  shut  up  Glen  Tilt— 

"  Foal  abu»e  uid  vile  cericAbint  cdnUoaB  uocometred  *iid  iiucIimVmL" 

Jenkins,  if  Mr.  Punch  were  the  oniier  of  Glen  Tilt,  and  were  to 
close  it  agonist  tlie  traveller,  whether  legally  or  illeKally,  Mr.  Pu»rk 
would  be  a  curmudgeon,  and  would  deserve  to  be  drawn  and  described 
in  his  true  character. 

You  ore  not  much  to  be  congratulated,  j£AKllis,on  tiaving  exchanged 
the  plush  for  the  olaid.  Best  aeep  to  cleaning  the  Dukb  or  Atboll's 
boots ;  and  leave  uis  fame  alone. 


BACON'S  NEW  BRAZEN  HEAD. 

Ik  the  siucercst  spirit  of  penitence,  we  beg  pardon  of  the  publishuig 
world  of  America,  whom  we  have  from  time  to  time  criticised  in  what 
we  DOW  feel  to  be  a  harsh  and  imcharitable  spirit,  for  their  wholesale 
conveyance  of  English  books  to  their  own  protit  and  advantage.  The 
lU:v.  Ub.  Bacon,  an  Anteriean,  at  the  Educational  Conference,  held  at 
Manehester,  has  put  the  matter  in  a  true  and  startling  li^lit.  American 
booksellers,  by  printing  English  books,  only  show  tliL-ir  inteusc  admira- 
tion of  the  commodity.  The  boa-constrictor,  that  gorges  his  half-doeen 
rabbits,  merely  manifests  a  complimentary  taste  for  rabbits.  But  hear 
Parson  Bacon,  of  tie  Brazen  Head— 

"  Tlie  crvfllt  nf  liarlnpr  (betr  books  printrd  on  the  otber  alile  Uie  AtlenUo  heljM  Um 
sale  o(  e  book  lit  home.  Tbeie  la  ftnoL)>er  of  rout  writen.  If  ACAtrtAY.  I  beUere  be 
liu  more  admlrern,  tbat  there  ere  more  whu  beve  read  hie  writings  wlUi  npiiiro  la 
Amerlcm,  tiwugb  ll  1b  undortloud  be  U  no  %r«^i  edmlrer  of  tha  American  i-Mijilff.  lb«n 
here.  How  many  ooph>«  of  bit  leet  vork  \m.r*  l)een  printed  In  Ibe  I'niied  titatM  r 
Teu  of  ibooeAadfl  P  No.  You  mey  count  tbeio  hf  bondredi  of  tbotwuid*  1 ;  Hear,  beu.) 

We  repeat  it ;  we  arc  more  than  satisfied ;  we  are  confomided  by  the 
arguments  of  the  modem  Kooer.  How  large,  too,  ia  their  apobcaiion! 
A  pickpocket  twitches  your  Bandana  from  your  poke.  Ought  you  to 
cry  "  Stop  Thief,"  if  the  knave  be  detected ;  or,  if  you  know  your  loss, 
when  the  thief — that  is,  the  abstractor — has  made  clear  off  with  your 
goods,  ought  you  to\'isit  tliat  man  ^nth  anathema,  with  uncharitable 
tnougntar  Certainlv  not;  for  know,  that  Mb.  Jauks  TwiTcnea,  the 
possessor  of  voiu  Bandana,  has  a  great  admiration  for  tbe  style  of 
the  article  j  its  elegant  pattern  and  vivid  cnlnur  have,  moreover,  found 
nmnv  admirers  iu  the  Minorii:5  or  in  Field  Lane,  lour  utoleu  hand- 
kerchief it  hiyhlr  r-  -  '  and  you  ought  to  be  Cfirrcspondin^Iy 
delighted.  Again.  lay  duwn  your  gold  spectacles  on  a  ooflee- 

room  table,  and  m  :,  perchance,  be  carried  off;  oonbidcr  the 

loss  as  tbe  hiKhe&l  pur^uiiul  attention.  The  gentleman  who  takes  your 
spectacles  feels  it  impossible  to  do  otherwise — the  gold  is  so  pure;  so 
touchiugly  seduciivc.  You  are  robbed,  but  how  you  are  CtimpiimcuC^d. 
in  that  very  act  of  thieving ! 


PUNCH,  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARr 


199 


PUSETITE  COSMETICS. 

To  PusEV!'''^  r.r^rYiiKM.  — Under  the  pntronagc  of   the  Ladt 
Abse&s  and  the  Convent  of  ihe  Bclgravians,  and  of  the 

TatU£R  Stn  tie  Monfcilery  of  Pimlico,  with  the  ItBEXHitKN 

of  that  EeUbUsbiueul. — Mr.  Punch  begs  to  oiTer  his  Patent  £c(.xe- 
cusTXCAL  AcHROMATicow,  or  Pallipaciekt  Fluii),  for  blanching  tlie 
Coupi.KXl0>\  and  impartiug  to  ihe  FaC£  Uiat  delicate  Paixok  which 
ia  tbc  recogiiued  indication  ot  uvere  Tbouglit  and  Study.  Also  his 
Maceaative  Euxik,  i>r  Ascitic  Solutio?),  for  the  Aitbmoatiok  of 
1J»c  KuAME,  warranted  to  reduce  the  stoutest  proportions  to  the  most 
interesting  slendemess,  and  produce,  in  the  space  of  a  few  da>'s,  a 
perf^nol  appearance  not  to  be  distingijished  frfim  the  results  of  years  of 
Abstinence.  A  few  doses  will  occasion  &ach  a  wasting  of  the  checks 
as  to  render  the  exertion  of  sucking  them  in  qmtc  superfluous. 

Mr,  Punch  can  also  confidentl}*  recommend  his  jLLrMiNATi>'X  Duora. 
for  coDUQunicaiing  that  neculiai-  Glow  to  ibc  £t£  which  is  tlic  naiural 
result  of  enthusiasm  exalted  by  frequent  vigils  meditations,  &c.  These 
inJallible  specified  will  confer  on  an  Oxford  graduate  all  ihe  external 
characleriitics  of  a  young  priest  from  Maj-nooth,  and  enftblc  him,  bow- 
ever  plump  and  rosy  before  usin^  them,  to  ])a8s  easily,  in  a  short  tin:e, 
for  a  xeaious  Hciman  ecclesiastic.  Persons  desirous  of  obtaiuing  a 
sauctiDed  appearance,  as  soon  and  with  as  littie  trouble  as  possible, 
abould  hare  instant  recourse  to  these  preparations,  which  are  tn  ^^  ''^ -^^ 
genuine  only  of  Punch  and  Stm,  S3,  Fleet  Street,  aiid  nttlie  Dep' 
attaclied  to  tJie.  An^liran  inonastic  e.ilabUshmeuU  iu  Pindico  :ii 
gravia;  where  may  be  likewise  had 

PTJMCH'S  CLKKICAL  DEPIIATOBT  SITAVINO  SOAF, 

which  will  materially  facilitate  the  proceeding  of  taking  the  tonstrre  by 
sacrificing  the  whiskers,  a  step— contrary  to  what  was  of  late  the 
f*8hion — so  necessar)-  in  order  to  Ix'come  a  popular  Clerg>Tniin  among 
the  Ladies  of  Belgravia. 

N.B.  The  AcHROMATTcoy  will  efrcctually  eradicate  the  stains  of  port, 
or  any  other  wine,  from  the  face  and  nose. 


THE  "GOOD"  BUTLEK 


Mn.  Ikionb,  Secrctarv  to  the  Fori' 
DuKK  OP  C-AMiiKJUGK  ilfiroueh  the  f 
wishes  to  Mit-  Paui^  butler  t«  Mr.  V 

Mb.  Ikioss.  as  Secretary  to  the 
some  alarm,  the  repcirt  of  an  Jntc-iii 


^'  '    cood 

jrt>od 

-   -■-.rk. 

uiiicul,  has  read  with 
Lnt  Mk.  Pafl  with  a 


I 

I 

I 


WHAT'S  TO  BECOME  OF  WESTMINSTER  HALL? 

It  will  soon  be  a  very  serious  <jue&tion,  what  is  to  become  of  West- 
minster Hall  ?  It  would  hn  little  better  than  letting  it  stand  empty,  to 
devote  it  exclusively  to  the  Courts  of  Law  and  E(niity,  for  such  is  the 
decrease  of  business,  that  tliere  will  soon  be  no  occasion  for  any  sittings 
whatever,  as  the  whole  work  of  the  day  may  be  pot  throufih  standing, 
without  its  being  >\orth  the  while  of  their  lordships  to  taVcftsefttat 
kD.  Mr.  BRTEyiiss,  who  ndhcres  stoutly  to  the  old  institutions  of  the 
country,  has  commenced,  in  default  of  regular  instmctions,  the  desperate 
practice  of  instmcling  himself,  and  is  continually  sending  iji  imaginary 
motion  lupers  to  the  usher,  in  which  Do£  is  computed  to  owe  so  many 
pounds  to  lloE. 

Ouce  or  twice,  Mb.  Brtt.fless  bas  burst  out  somewhat  eloquently  in 
the  re5pectab!f!  but  rather  superfluous  character  of  amicus  mn^r,  by 
auggcstmg  the  pulling  up  or  letting  flown  of  a  blind  j  and  the  other 
day,  in  defiance  of  all  professiooiJ  usage,  he  rushed  uito  one  of  Ihe 
Equity  Courts,  and  joined  in  helping  Counsel  to  take  a  decree  in  some 
suit  in  which  he  was  not  at  ull  concerned. 

poor  UvNUi'  goe^  tho  Rloomsbury  and  Brompton  circuits,  where  he 
hopes  to  lend  at  the  County  Court  bars  of  those  salubrious  and  slightly 
litigious  suburljs ;  but  hitherto  he  is  understood  not  to  have  cleared 
his  cabs. 

It  is  expected  that  a  large  emigration  will  take  place  from  M'cst- 
minster  Hull  to  the  precincts,  and  Inat  the  travelling  barristers,  or  blue- 
bagmen,  will  grow  into  a  class  as  numerous  as  the  commercial  bagmen 
ihem^tilrcs. 

Should  this  event  occur,  Westminster  Hall  will  be  almost  emptied, 
and  as  it  will  only  be  ret|uired  for  the  aduiinistration  of  the  law  during 
ft  few  minutes  each  day  m  term  time,  it  will  become  a  (luestion  to  what 
use  audi  a  magnificent  building  can  oe  conveniently  turned.  Jclijen, 
it  is  said,  baa  bad  his  eye  upon  it  fur  his  Pronienude  Cuua'^rts;  or 
perhaps  a  Panorama  of  a  Chancery  Suit,  which  would  rival  all  other 
Mooramas  in  length,  would  beau  exhibition  most  appropiiate  to  the 
pIsGC,  and  would  also  serve  as  a  record  of  that  which  promiaea  very 
aoon  to  become  a  "  thing  of  the  past." 


Balet  Archdeacon- We II  Met. 


ARcrmEACOff  Hale  has  addressed  a  spirited  letter  to  the  clergy  of 
the  Aichdeaconry  of  London,  in  reference  to  the  papal  aggression. 
We  regret  to  Icam  from  it  that  the  reverend  gentleman  bos  been 
hU>ouring  under  indispoeition ;  but  we  hope  that  he  is  now  not  onl/ 
Halz  bnt  hearty,  like  the  tone  of  his  epistle. — the  pluck  of  which  is 
ftingolar,  whatever  may  be  the  preferment  of  llie  writer. 


testimoniiil,  commemorative  of  his  vaJuur  lu  the  defence  of  his  em- 
ployer's house;  and  further,  and  rjarticularly,  of  bis  aiming  and  firing  at 
the  head  of  liie  hurgUr  in  the  busL. 

Mr.  Inions  has,  he  hopes,  a  proppr  rcwct  for  Ihe  good  behaviour 
of  Mji.  pArL ;  but  Mr.  L  puts  il  to  Mn.  P.  whrihcr  any  attempt  at  the 
present  time,  to  reward  him  with  a  tet^timoniul,  may  not  divert  the 
stre&m  of  charity  nnw  it  is  hoped  beginning  to  set  in  towards  the 
Cambridge  Testimonial ;  or,  in  pluiniT  words,  whether  ihe  national 
gratitude  about  to  be  paid  to  tLe  memory  ot  tlie  late  inhabitant  of  a 
palace,  may  not  in  the  most  untowiud  manner  be  dwindled  into  an 
instalment  for  the  immediate  benefit  of  the  present  holder  of  a  hntter'a 
pantry  ? 

Mr.  Ikions  feels  a  lively  conviction  that  the  habits  of  Mn.  Paul  are 
habits  of  inborn  respect  towards  his  betters,  Ulc  Princffs  of  llie  Blood, 
Ai\d  Royal  Coushi  ai  £12, OCX)  |jer  arnmni  included.  The  Olsf/rrr,  in  a 
very  aifeetiiig  niiuuifr,  reinurks  of  Mr.  P.,  '*it  is  not  because  he  in  a 
^/rrant  tliat  he,  too,  should  not  have  a  testimonial  to  his  deserts;  in 
case,  at  least,  it  has  been  proved  thut.  a  livery  may  cover  a  hero  in 

i.iiible  lifcL  who  only  lack?  nppArtunity  to  be  reaUy  a  gre^  man." 
It  is  provea  in  lens  of  the:  rn»cs  that  a  livery — red  turned  up 

with  blue  or  yellow  as  '  if  may  be— may  cover  heroes  in 

hiir^'- '■' ■  -T-'i  ^eroe**^  u..  iM^..i,.ir,  who  won  Waterloo  at  a  >hillirg 
p(-i  >'t  shillings  fur  tlie  entire  figlit, — but  Mr.  1.  acTeea 

ft  ii     :       .  1  [if.  O.  that  that  is  no  reason  for  ^li£hting  the  aaiin* 

ol  plu»h.  No:  Mr.  1.  hopes  Umt,  holding  up  hi^  head  and  lujing  W\n 
hand  upon  his  nesrt,  he  can  ask  for  Mh  P, — *'  I«  he  tioi  n  huih'r  and  a 
brother?"    Nr  '     .Mr.  I.  ha-  '  '  '  '  ' 

— e%'entoMH  — ijtrotcst  aj.: 

the  Palace  T(  ■  ;dl  be  put  ■..y-^  ^  _«..  ..  ^,  v......  ^  .». - 

tect  and  brick-  r  con  6x  it. 

When  the  <  Monument  is  ui>— a  monument,  large  enough 

to  charaotecise  the  universal  pliilanthropr  of  a  man,  who  ^ve  everr 
minute  of  hia  life  to  the  ctMisiuiraticm  of  nis  siwcies— for  it  is  too  well 
known  to  \\e  here  insisted  upon  that  the  royal  Howard  never  slept  but 
with  une  eye  at  a  time,  that  the  claims  ol  his  fellowereaturea  might 
be  always  visible  to  him — when  the  monument  is  up,  in  ir^  universal 
phihuitbropy,  such  monument  will  inevitably  rctiuire  a  butler.  Indeed, 
cooks,  butlers,  and  waiters,  are  inextricably  woven  in  with  the  memory 
of  the  Good  Diike  o?  Cambkidok;  therefore,  it  will  afford  Mr.  Tnions 
very  great  delight  to  forward  the  claims  of  Mr.  Paui.,  as  Prr|K-tual 
Butler  to  the  Cambridge  Forlorn  Hope;  Mr.  P.  being  pfrniitled,  in 
mcniorj'  of  his  henii5m — in  like  manner  as  the  Peninsular  Hero  wears  a 
medal — to  be  deconited  si  the  button-hole  with  a  silver  corkscrew. 

As  Mil.  pACL  will  no  doubt  see  the  propriety  of  waiving  any  claims 
be  may  uossesa  to  a  Testimonial  in  deference  to  the  prior  claims  of  a 
Duke  ui  the  Koyal  Blood,  Mr.  Ixuujs  will  thank  Mr.  Paul  to  forward 
to  him  (Mb.  I.l,  and  that  without  delay,  any  money  or  monevs  that  un- 
thinking persons  may.  in  the  ignorance  of  tlieir  liberality,  t'orward  to 
Mr.  Paul,  wherewitfi  to  purchahc  any  trifle  for  hinwelf. 

3,  Chariotie  Rote,  Mantion  Qoiae. 


CHEAP  GAS,  ANT)  WHY  NOT  CHEAP  WATEU  ? 

Now  that  we  stand  a  tolerable  cl»ane«e  of  getting  eW-ap  gas,  we  think 
a  stir  ouf!ht  to  be  umdc  to  gel  us  ehea[i  water  aUo.  The  new  City 
Gas  Company,  by  puttintr  its  pipes  into  the  ground,  has  put  out  the 
pi|)es  of  the  eld  monopolisl8,  luid  we  do  not  see  why  the  wnter  com- 
panies should  not  be  sunjecteu  to  the  sanie  sort  of  competition.  Light 
and  cleanliness  being  both  neeesaary  for  the  preservation  of  healtli,  we 
would  affk  why  ooouoiny  should  not  visit  our  cisterns  as  well  as  our  gas- 
meters  ?  If  we  were  consulted  as  to  what  would  he  a  fair  priee  \'w  the 
wftter  at  present  laid  on,  we  should  say  tlmt  it  ought,  at  all  events,  to 
be  "as  chcftp  as  dirt."  which  is  the  article  it  bean  the  '-l-'-.r  .... 
semblance  to.  llie  only  advantage  to  beguned  by  the  pr 
supply  is  the  chonoc  of  a  Hsh  occasionally  being  inenided  in  u 

with  the  Company;  but  as  the  tish  cannot  notify  tiis  atrnul,  h*.  oiuu 
dies  in  the  eislern  before  his  visit  is  known^  and  we  see  nothing  of  him 
till  his  bones,  forcing  their  way  through  lue  tjtp,  come  up  to  us  uo> 
expeotedly  in  the  toast-ond  water,  or  the  tea-urn. 


SOME  WATS  ABB  mTBOTBO  MOWATB. 

Eaton  Squ.abb  has  been  paved  recently.  A  gcnllemnn  who  has  Imd 
the  misfortune  to  reside  there  for  the  last  three  vrars,  wiis  tiskcd  what 
he  tliought  of  the  improvement.  He  replied,  looking  on  the  nearly 
level  highway,  "  Ptuwlif,  but  nothing  more." 


OXFORD  COSTUME. 

Small  Oxford  Man.  "Now  Snip,  RutuiBRtt,  not  so  tiubt  ii«  tub  akm  1" 
Smp,  "  Vkrt  oood.  Sib,  {to  iU  OUrk)  84  akd  a  abp  1 " 


The  ExtRnaion  of  the  County  Courts  juriisdiction  has 
produced  a  perfect  panii?  among  llic  hiirristers,  who 
are  underf^oinp  a  thorough  faniiuc  of  fees.  Tiie  unfor- 
tunate dogs  of  juniors  look  up  imploringlv  in  the  hope 
of  hftvinK  »  boue  of  cimtcntion  thrown  amont:  I  hpm ;  but 
there  is  really  nothinjr  forthcoming  to  ?ntisfy  their 
forensic  cnivings.  'i'he  other  day  we  putcrcu  West- 
minster Hall,  and  found  there  bad  been  nothing  db- 
tribated  amonj;  the  hun^tir  bar,  but  a  few  wretched 
niles  alwolute,  one  of  which  wns  in  "  -  r^  of  tine 

who  hud  been  accustomed  to  more  "•■  ire:  and 

in  the  Eichequor  we  pen>eivrd  a  m:.  in-nlaoly 

"  mumbling  the  bones     of  a  motion  of  coune. 

The  utters  talk  of  utter  starvation  iw  inev!t:.Mc:  and 
there  lias  been  something  said  about  divid  '  'lie 

liltJe  that  ia  left,  ba  would  be  the  ciisc  in  ; '  !ii 

ascarcity  of  nrovisions;  and  it  is  urged  "  nX 

craft  may  be  looked  upon  as  reduced  to  i  n- 

dition.    A  despemte  proposal  has  been  i  Ite 

laws  of  motion  should  be  rcmorsble  by  •  .tx> 

the  Queen's  Bench,   for  the  purpose  c!  .f  ro 

adniiiustcred;  for  otbenrise,  it  is  to  be  feared,  tiiL*:  ;ijere 
will  be  neither  law  nor  motion  to  he  met  with  in  thikt 
auBual  tribunal.     It  w  cxpcctt'd  tli:  ■  ■  \,nx 

wilj  euiigTfltc  into  the  County  (kjun  lat 

I  lie  coDsestion  which  haa  so  loui;   ,...  ■  >t- 

miustcr  Hall  will  be  cured,  by  a  more  ex\\i-  tn 

of  the  forensic  circulation,  which  bos  hiU>  so 

much  conlined  to  one  spot,  where  there 'hus  beea  ft 
deticiciicy  of  action. 


A  Solecism  to  Slaveholders. 

Our  American  friends  in  tlie  Southern  States  will  stare 
to  read  in  the  Times  the  announcement  following : — 

"  LnmBmoL,Wediiewlftr.— The  American  VatI  Stumililp  itftoilii. 
CAPTilH  WuT,  called  about  3  o'clnck  ihU  ancnKwi)  «|lh  the  iiwat 
mails.    Her  lalooag  an  now  entirely  mtmtitd  by  enloared  •errMiti.'* 

fientlenien  who  sell  negroes  like  cattle,  and  laah  thefld 
like  hounds,  will  naturally  nfik  whether  we  mam  car- 
riages with  horses,  or  ploughs  with  oxen? 


I 


THE  POPE'S   CONTRIBUTION  TO  THE   EXHIBITION 
OF  1851. 

A  RUBJKCT  that  is  now  exeitinv  very  general  attention  is,  the  contri- 
bution evidently  desifrned  by  Pio  NoNO  for  the  ExJiihition  of  the  Industry 
of  All  Nations  in  1S51 ;  and  as  all  nations  are  included,  the  Pope 
imagines  tliat  the  produce  of  a  decided  halhici-nation  will  not  be  objected 
to.  The  specLmen  of  Roman  manufacture  will  consist  of  a  Cardinnl, 
carried  to  such  an  extraordinary  length  as  to  amouut  to  a  cloak,  and  far 
to  exceed  the  bounds  of  a  mere  vmte,  to  which  Papal  mauufaetures  have 
been  understood  to  be  hitherto  limited.  The  attempt  to  introduce  the 
Cardinal  into  this  country  is  a  bold  experiment ;  aoa  it  is  probable  that 
certain  dulies,  proving  tlie  Cardinal  to  be  an  offence  against  the 
Cuatoou  of  tins  country,  will  cause  the  authorities  to  regard  it  in  the 
light  of  a  prohibited  article.  The  Cardinal,  which  is.  no  aoubt,  a  very 
ingenious  contrivancf,  is  the  result  of  a  web  that  nas  been  for  some 
time  wearine,  and  t  lie  mnnufiieturc  in  R/>uie  ha-s  been  greatly  encouraged 
by  the  knowledge  that  a  vast  quantity  of  yarn  of  ttic  same  sort  has  been 
spun,  and  very  warmly  imlroniscd  m  England,  where  it  has  become 

the  fasln'on,"  particularly  among  some  of  the  weak-minded  females  in 
the  neighbourhood  of  Belgravia.  The  Cardinal  is  intendt^  eventually  to 
supersede  altogether  Bishon's  sleeves,  which  have  not  for  some  time 
been  to  popular  as  they  woiud  assuredly  become  if  the  mattirial  were  of 
ft  closer  texture,  and  were  not  so  liable  to  split  as  it  has  been  known  to 
do  in  some  recent  cases,  for  it  is  impossible  that  the  very  richest  and 
finest  material  will  maintain  its  repute  if  it  will  not  hold  together.  The 
manufacture  cmnloyed  iu  making  tbo  Cardinal  is,  on  the  coutrarv,  all  of 
ft  pieoe,  and  if  there  are  anj;  dinerences,  they-  are  fine-drawn  so  cleverly, 
tl^t  no  division  is  perceptible,  whereas  the  J3ishop's  sleeves  present 
■ome  disagreements  painful  to  the  eye,  and  offensive  to  the  taste  and 
judgment. 

We  should  be  sorry  to  see  the  Popish  manufacture  brought  regularly 
into  this  country ;  but  if  such  a  calamity  should  occnr,  it  would  be  e&sy 
to  point  to  the  slu}uldera  the  Cardinal  ought  t«  be  put  upon. 


A  SHOW  UP  FOR  THE  AMERICAN  SHOWMAN, 

Even  the  American  press,  ashamed  at  last  at  the  Hgore  cut  fay  the 
Model  Republic,  in  its  recent  sacrifice  of  good  sense  at  •* "  ■^'•'■m.-  of 
Babnum— who  seems  to  be  the  impersonation  of  Gammon  u  u 

combined— has  lately  taken  to  showing  up  the  showman,  '  :il 

his  object  has  been  pretty  well  attained.    In  order  to  put  i ,  u 

on  their  guard  against  being  betrayed  into  another  disir  r- 

hition  of  ihe  same  folly  which  they  have  lutelv  been  guilty  ot,  in  uMn'.vmg 
the  tlainc  of  their  enthui^ia^m  to  be  raisecl  to  the  liighwl  pitch  by 
Babnum's  puff,  we  beg  leave  to  intimate  to  them  that  a  monster  piece 
of  humbug  18  in  preparation  to  succeed  poor  Jennt  Likd,  when  the 
Showman  has  ^t  all  he  possibly  can,  by  converting  her,  as  he  has  donei, 
into  an  "  alarming  sacrifice." 

We  have  heard  on  somewhat  good  authority  that  Baiutuv  has  eiven 
orders  in  this  country  for  the  manufacture  of  a  Sea-Serpc!-'  -  ■  '"to 
with  scales,  on  a  scale  of  magnitude  never  sorposflea,  il 

hundred  feather  dressers  are  already  employed  upon  a  mar<.  <  nl- 

dress,  intended  to  be  worn  as  a  crest  bv  the  monster  when  complcLed. 
The  body,  it  is  -wd,  has  been  entrusted  to  a  large  gutta  percba  oouse, 
and  the  fins  have  been  placed  in  the  hands  of  one  of  the  cleverest  horse 
hair  workers  in  England,  with  instructions  to  spore  no  expen*o  in 
the  production  of  an  article,  which  for  si/e  and  tineQC&s  of  tcxtuxc,  shall 
surpiss  any  natural  curiosity  ever  yet  exhibited. 

The  ivory  trade  has  received  an  impetus,  in  consequence  nf  an  nrder 
for  a  set  of  teeth,  ^n  ^uitf^  with  the  other  parts  of  the  '^  t ; 

and  a  celebrated  artist  has.  it  is  said,  received  a  liberal  o  •> 

design — regardless  of  outlay — an  appropriate  tail.  The  i>ca  ix*rpmt» 
when  complete,  will  be  severul  acres  m  length ;  it  ia  understood  thftt  it 
will  be  removed  from  this  country  hy  the  process  of  towinff,  snd  lift 
arrival  in  New  York  will  add  probabdity  to  the  atoiy,  intraoed  to  be 
given  out,  of  its  having  been  caught  on  toe  voyage. 


I 


EPitaPB  loa  TH£  Ddkx  ox  Atholl.— Stop,  Traveller  1 


Light  from  Irelji!?]?.— There  are  hopes  for  Erin.     Haviag 
too  long  clouded  and  enveloped  iu  the  smoke  of  bcr  patnota^  M», 
Rus  has  succeeded  in  extracting  gaslight  from  her  bogs. 


k 


p 

p 


LORD  HOWDEN  and  THE  MADRID  BULL-EIGHTS, 

Thb  celebrated  Moxtes.  bull-fighter  at  Madrid,  laTiag  at  the  reqnefit 
of  onr  Ambassidor,  famisKed  liim  with  the  complete  set  of  veapODB  of 
amfttftdor  imd  others,  villi  the  bullslaycrs*  costumes  to  boot,  LoKs 
HowDEN  Addressed  to  Senob  Momtes  a  lettert  of  which  ve  excla- 
«Tcly  subjoin  a  faithful  copy : — 

"  Illustrious  Senob, — With  the  profotiDdeal  sense  of  obli2atiofl^  I 
liave  to  acknowledge  at  your  hands,  a  complete  set  of  weapons,  witli 
the  due  variety  of  costume  employed  and  worn  in  Swud  at  the  Ftniia 
de  Toros,  the  Fc«t  of  the  Bulft— the  term  *  BuU-fignt/  as  I  am  proud 
to  understand,  being  denominated  vulgar. 

*'  Most  Illuatrioiis  Sefior, — Your  giftj  could  not  have  been  bestowed  at 
%  happier  moment.  I  shall  immediately  dispatch  them  by  it  ship  of  war, 
that  they  n  ay  be  laid  at  the  feet  of  Heb  Majkftv,  the  Queen  of 
England'  and  Defender  of  the  Kaitli.  who,  in  full  council  will,  I  doubt 
not  entrust  the  weapons  to  those  Lands  the  best  knit,  and  the  be&t 
skilled  to  use  them, 

"  Most  Illustrious  S(!iior, — It  mav  have  met  your  distinguished  ear,  that 
a  Bull— perhaps  the  most  trcmenaons  bull  yet  made — has  very  recently 
appeared  in  England  :  a  Bidl  of  a  plarin?.  >et  sinister  ^azc ;  of  horns  of 
portentous  size  and  curve;  T*ith  ft  roar  that  \\hs  made  itself  heard 
thmuphout  Great  Britain ;  ami,  finallv,  a  Bull  of  a  magnitude  of  body, 
that  threatens— with  the  blight  oi  it^-^  shadow — to  cover  at  Ifast 
thirteen  cities  and  towns  of  the  United  Empire.  This  Bull  is  not  from 
the  valleys  of  the  Januia,  but  frr>rn  the  ChaudxT  of  the  Vatican  ;  not 
fed  on  gruen  [Hustures,  but  gorced  with  old,  rotten,  jaundiced  parchment. 

Now  this  hujic,  blatant  Bull  is  doomed.  The  people  of  Kuglandsiiout 
for  their  Fiesia  de  Toror — they  will  have  an  end  put  to  the  Uomnn  Bull ; 
die  lie  must :  and  there  can  te  no  dnubt  tlmi  the  honour  of  snrrilieiiig 
the  beast  will  be  awarded  toCAULos  JAUoBi/K>uyiKLDos,  of  rulhamod; 
a  matador  of  distinguished  subtlety;  of  wonderful  cunning  at  fence, 
and  (when  be  likes)  strength  of  resolution;  a  brother  matador — 
Illustrioua  Senor— who  will  strike  the  bull  in  Ihc  very  spinal  nick, 
albeit,  to  judge  ordinarily  of  the  man,  you  would  scarcely  think  him 
capable  ot  the  slaughter  of  a  guinea-pi^. 

And.  therefore,  illustrious  Sefior.  m  the  name  of  my  imperial  mistress, 
I  again  thank  you  for  your  ttmely  presents.  The  Bull-fight  will,  I  have 
no  doubt,  take  ulace  in  Smithficld ;  and  great  will  be  the  rapture  of  the 
people  when  the^  behidd  Carlos  Jaoo,  in  liia  light  dress  of  lawn, 
mounted  on  the  high  horse,  in  his  right  hand  firmly  holding — as  though 
it  grew  out  of  liis  fist— hia  long  Toledan  blade ;  and  in  the  left  waving 
the  muiela,  or  red  flag,  to  distract  and  madden  the  Bull,  and  so  to  spit 
him  at  the  lucky  minute. 

"  You  shall  have  the  earliest,  and  I  trust  best  account,  of  the  Fieita, 
with  the  preeisest  relation  of  the  feats  of  the  matador  of  Fulhamos, 
C&ALoa  Jaoo  BLOOMyiELDOs.  In  the  meantime,  illustrious  Se£or, 
vouchsafe  to  accept  the  assurance  of  my  consideration. 

"  To  the  Senob  Mostes,  Matador^  Madrid.  Howdek." 


H 


PUNCH'S  R/IILWAY  TRAVELLER. 
To  Mr,  PuntA. 

"  Sib,— I  have  not  lately  troubled  you  with  a  line,  as  I  have  not 
been  troubled  with  a  line  myself  imtil  a  day  or  two  ago,  when  1 
took  an  afternoon's  trip  on  the  North  Western.  The  fact  is,  I  got  so 
cramped  on  my  last  Journey  that  I  have  had  a  complaint  in  my  legs, 
wblcn  prevented  me  from  having  a  fresh  complaint  on  my  hands  to 
send  to  you  until  the  recent  trip  I  have  already  spoken  of.  There 
being  no  third-class  carriage  attached  to  the  traii^  I  was  compelled  to 
put  up  with  the  second-class,  and  snifercd  the  mc^nvcniencc  of  the 
inferiority  of  the  latter  to  the  former ;  for,  as  the  Directors  are  com- 
pelled to  put  lights  in  the  third-class  carriages,  and  not  in  the  second, 
ther  leave  the  public,  travelling  by  the  seoond-clasa,  completely  in  the 
dark:  whicli  I  am  determined  tncy  shall  bo  no  longer,  if  you  wdl 
enlignten  them  through  your  columns. 

*^j  excursion  was  taken  in  the  company  of  some  odd  looking 
persons  with  mustachios,  whom  I  never  saw  before,  and,  in  fact,  never 
saw  at  all  after  I  once  entered  the  carriage  with  them,  for  we  were  in 
total  darkness  all  the  while :  and  I  shouid  certainly  never  wish  to  see 
my  fellow-travellers  again,  unless  I  tboufht  there  might  be  some  chance 
of  their  returning  mc  my  pocket-handkerchief  at  our  next  interview. 
A  lady  in  the  same  carriage,  who  had  also  been  quite  iu  tlie  dark  during 
the  journey,  waa  unpleasantly  enlightened,  under  the  gas  lamp  on  the 
pUtiorm,  bv  the  discovery  that  her  purse  was  missing. 

"  Now,  Sir,  I  would  beg  leave  to  suggest  that  if  the  Directors  will 
not  of  their  owu  accord,  and  cannot  be  compelled  to  put  lights  in  their 
second-class  carriages,  they  might  at  least  aOow  lanthoms  to  be  sold  at 
the  stations,  or  fix  sconces  inside  the  vehicles,  so  that  the  traveller 
might  set  up  a  candle,  or  even  a  rushlight,  of  his  own,  according  to  the 
eiumt  of  his  means,  should  lie  prefer  toat  course  to  tne  uncomlortable 
and  frequently  expensive  obscurity  which  he  is  doomed  to  by  the 
pnsent  arrangement.  .*  Yqub  Railwat  Tratmj^b," 


MR.  PUNCH'S  TRIBUTE  TO  SOYEB, 

Alexis  Sot  eh! 

How  I  admire  yon ! — Ton  appear  to  mc  to  be  the  only  man 
of  our  time  who  baa  adequately  comprenendcd  the  mission  of  the  cook. 
In  your  bands  the  coBseroU  becomes  eloquent,  and  the  marmion  ntteta 
its  moral.    SHAXSF£Aa£  tells  us  of  the 

— "  tongnes  In  trvM,  book*  la  tba  nmnloK  brMki, 
S«>mion<  la  stonea  "— 

and  shall  the  dinner-table  be  mute  F— shall  there  be  no  voice  in  a  |ni^ 
rftf  resi 9 tance^  no  revehition  in  a  rcUv4  tuMarUielie  ?  You  have  seized 
this  want,  and  in  your  hands  every  piai  baa  its  point,  every  tmtrtmet 
its  epigram. 

I  was  an  honoured  guest  at  Ma.  Luhley's  feie,  last  season.  You 
presided  over  the  culinary  part  of  the  cntprtainment ;  you  pleased  the 
palates  and  you  appeased  the  appetites  of  8fX)  guests.  You  had  only  four 
days'  notice.  Iu  your  own  simple,  but  sublime  words,  "C'eiait 
imamibh^  maia  (fest  fait .'  '* 

I  remember  that  luncheon  with  gratitude.  With  yonr  own  handa 
you  pointed  out  to  me  a  table,  and  attended  to  my  wants.  What 
charming  invention  was  there  exhibited  by  you  tliut  day  !  Ilie  Me  was 
m  honour  of  Messbs.  Scjube  and  HAiivY.  Do  you  remember — or 
do  these  inventions  pass  from  yonr  mind  like  the  inspirations  of  a 
Shakspjiame- piven  to  the  world  careleasly,  as  treasures  prodigally 
given  from  a  mind  of  exhaustlcM  invention  P 

But  if  vou  have  forgotten,  1  cannot  forget.  Indce<i  1  write  with 
the  Mtte  before  me.    That  Round  of  Beff  a  ta  Magna  Charta  ! 

What  a  thought  in  that!  It  is  the  very  philosophy  of  Knglish  History 
put  into  the  compass  of  a  dish.  Plain,  solid,  somewhat  heavy,  cul-and- 
cuiiic-affain,  satisfactory.  Sticb  was  that  round  of  bew,  happily 
iUustraling  the  legislative  bulwark  of  British  liberties. 

With  what  grace  you  passed  from  history  to  art.  Your  aUremft$ 
were  criliciams,  only  more  palatable.  There  were  your  "Aiffmi^tttt  de 
petit  povmtu  a  la  ocbibe.  Is  it  possible  to  cliaract^riso  better  the 
pointed  turns  and  epigrammatic  aalbes  of  the  accomplished  dramatist, 
than  \iy  " AiguiUttei,^  "little  needles?"  Then  your  " &ealopwi  de 
peiiiea  tolUt  a  la  Sontag^"  crisp,  delicate,  yet  little,  exactly  Iwe  the 
vocalisation  of  that  charmmg  artist.  Then  your  centre  piece — at  once 
a  compliment — a  satire — and  a  criticism — 

"  /"A^  CVoiM/ffffc  Shaksperixn>t:  rt  la  HALfevT-ScRinB  Tempeiiaf" 

The  shattered  ship  in  a  pai»  d'Espaone,  with  the  characters  of  the 
Tempext  in  sugar,  gaudilv  coloured,  tossed  by  a  sea  of  trifle,  and  stranded 
on  a  reef  of  Ac»»-^<i«— iUustratiug.  how  happilv,  the  treatment  that  the 
illustrious  WiM.tAM  had  received  at  the  hands  of  Mxasns  SciuiiK  and 
IlALfevY— the  guests  of  the  day. 

The  Nepaulcsc  princes  were  there.  You  felt  their  nationality,  and 
symbolised^it,  at  once,  how  gracefully !  in  a 

"  Turban  d'EKoiappe^  A»pic  de  C^vreuil  a  la  Nepaul." 

The  race  is  there,  and  the  man.  The  "  lurluin  "  of  Orientalism,  the 
"  avpic"  of  Eastern  treachery— the  "  chrevrcuit^"  symbolising  the  light- 
ness and  agibty,  the  deer-like  step  of  the  illustrious  stranger. 

This  tribute  comes  iate ;  but  my  admiration  has  been  revived  by  the 
bill  of  fare  for  the  York  Meeting  of  the  Mayors,  over  which  I  have  jnst 
been  skcddin/c  tears  of  mingled  admiration  and  appetite. 

Here,  agam.  I  find  coinbined  the  graceful  comticr,  the  profound 
satirist,  and  tne  accomplished  arcliicologist.  To  say  nothing  of  the 
colossal  conception  of  a  dinner,  with  its  trente-deux  Potaffes,  treiUe-deux 
Poiatoni,  tretttedevx  Fla/tca,  and  qvarante-huit  Entries  in  one  course- 
mark  the  appropriate  invention  that  can  create,  d  timproeiie,  a 
"  Blaftc  de  volaiile  a  la  York  Miiuter." 

The  bold  and  biting  sarcasm  that,  at  a  dinner  of  Mayors,  docs  not 
shrink  from  uttering  itself  in  an 

"Extravagance cuHnaireala  Alderman" 
The  knowledge  of  antiquity  that  reproduces  in  Uie  ninetecntii  oentoryi  ft 

"  Paon  a  PaHCiewte  Borne  garni  d*  ortolans." 
The  courtier-like  adulation  that  breathes  from  the  sweetness  of  a 

••  Orcme  de  la  Grande  Bretagne  a  la  Fbihce  Albeht." 
And  tlie  painter-like  fancy  that  closes  all  with  a 

"D^tert  prial  a  la  Watiean:* 
And  so  crowns  the  meal,  aa  we  crown  tbee.  0  8ot£B,  with  flowers  I 


Shocking  Case  of  Expected  Oannibaliam. 

It  is  feared  that  Lord  GnnsvENOR  and  the  Lord  ALitor,  despite 
the  exertions  of  Leeks,  the  Uon.  Sec,  to  extract  subscriptions  from 
the  pockets  of  the  onwarr.  for  the  "Good"  Cakbrii>oe  Tcatimonial, 
will  nevertheless  be  compelled  to  consume  their  own  protcataUons ;  or. 
iu  other  phrase,  like  ParoUet,  they  will  luive  to  *'  eat  their  Leeks." 


The  Shortest  Cut  to  Rome.— New  Cut,  Lamhe,tJL 


JUSTICE 


"Deak  Ma.  PuKCH, 


BACHELORS. 

'*SnMffiOM,  Great  BftUUad,  Banl$. 

"  Oct,  'mK  1S60. 


1  Aic  A  bachelor,  uid  my  friends,  I  beueve,  allow  ihat^  in  the  m&in,  I 
iolefabl>'fcooil-iutured  Icllow — but  just  look  here!    1  was  invited  a  few  days 
spend  n  week  ut  n  country  bouse,  and  bero  I  ruu  ;   but  I  must  conl'ess  that'  I  waa  a 
utile  put  out  when  taiktia  to  the  rery  lop  of  it,  aiul  told  that  this  was  my  bedroonL 


am  a 
affo  to 


N 


Now — confound  it ! — I  say  the  comfort  is  monstrouatf 
and  unfairly  disproportiooed.  llu!  ladies — bicn  tbta ! 
— ought,  of  course,  to  be  node  as  cosy  r^*  '--^■'-  i  i-  -  no 
man  coiud  ofcyect  to  their  having  tlieir  m;  ;  of 

fire,  and  their  dear  little  slippers  placed  "nib 

their  couches,  and  their  easy  cliair*.  &c.— of  oouxae  not 
— but  that  is  no  rcAsou  why  we  single  men  ahonld  be 
treated  like  so  many  Shetland  pomes.  There  19  no 
firephice  in  my  room,  and  the  only  ventilation  ia  throngfa 
a  broken  window.  As  far  as  the  ahootinf.  the  ridrflg, 
the  eating^  and  drinking  go,  I  have  nothing  whaiercr 
to  complain  of.  But  I  want  to  know  why — why  liu 
mature  female  always  answen  my  bcU,  and  thM  great 


I  liave  since  been  led  to  suppose  that  nnmarrted  men  must  expect  to  siecj)  in  the  worst 
rooms  there  are;  for  see — tuia  is  the  bedroom  of  a  married  couple,  fnends  of  mine 


brute  SwAWXiNS  (whow  mind,  by-lhe-by,  ia  not  half  so 
well  regulated  as  mine)  —  merely  because  he  b  a 
married  man— has  his  hot  water  brought  by  (hi*  little 
maid  ?    I  don*t  understand  it.    You  may  print  this,  if 


I 


you  like;  ooIt  send  me  a  few  copies  of  Fu»ck^  «hin  U 
appears,  that  s  a  good  fellow,  and  I  wiU  careJoMl^lMre 
them  about,  in  the  hope  that  M&s.  Hatcoux  narjBe 
them— and  by  Jovx  !  if  the  hint  is  not  takcu,  auc  our 
bedroom  changed — or,  al  least,  made  more  couifortanle 
— 1  '11— yes— (there 's  an  uncommonly  nice  gid 
here) — L  'U  be  banged  if  I  don't  think  very 
getting  married  myself. 

"  Believe  me,  my  dear  Pum-h^ 
"YoonloitbfuUf. 
"Cfl 


r 


m 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


203 


IN 


THE    LORD    MAYOR'S    SHOW. 

Wb  rose  early  on  the  9th  of  November,  having  been  awolie  before 
ditWTi  by  the  ringing  of  the  old  Lord  Mayor  ouI,  &nd  the  new  Lord 
Mator  in  ;  and  when  we  heard  Uic  peal  ringing  in  our  cars,  we  wiiked 
we  had  the  v\Tiiiging  of  the  ears  of  tno6c  who  (lifttiirbNl  our  Hlumbers. 

Having  uiade  for  the  city,  we  rcpaire<i  to  the  comfortable  qtiarterB  of 
Mb.  Qdajit£RHAJ<,  at  the  Itofal  lork  Hotel,  in  New  Bridge  Street; 
and  oiir  bo«t  being  accustomed  to  entertain  the  Ministers  with  whrlc 
bait,  at  hi»  other  hostelrv,  the  Crown  iiud  Sceptre,  at  Greenwich,  liad 
abated  none  of  his  usual  courtesy  in  giWng  a  reception  to  ourselves, 
vrho  ure  the  recognised  Ministers  to  the  public  eutertainmeut*  improve- 
ment, and  enUghtenment. 

The  procession  baring  been  advertised  to  start  punctually  at  eleven, 
wo  too£  oar  places  on  the  elegant  dais  prepared  for  us  at  the  window : 
and  we  remained  for  some  time  on  the  tiptoe  of  our  highlows  and  of 
oar  expectations.  The  assuiance  offices  opposite  were  filled  witli  some 
▼ery  pleasing  specimeiui  of  modest  assurance,  in  the  crowds  of  ladies  in 
tbe  ndoonies.  who  were  looking  at  us  with  evident  adiniratiou,  from 
over  the  wav.  We  were  much  gratified,  also,  by  the  sort  of  preLiminnry 
procession  tnat  preceded  the  real  one. 

In  tbe  continuous  stream  we  noticed  several  individuals  smoking 
short  pipes,— intended,  no  doubt^  to  represent  the  Calumet  of  Peace, 
lor  Peace  was  to  be  one  of  the  Great  dims  of  the  Show;  and  among 
these  were  Bcattcred  several  persons  with  tressels  and  planks,  inviting 
people  to  pay  for  the  privilege  of  standing  upon  fomiR,  trnm  wnich  those 
who  btood  on  neither  forms  nor  ceremonies  occasionally  pushed  tbem 
off  ami 'n  Lads  came  next  with  small  ladders,  and  a  variety  of  specu- 
bt'  "irda  of  deal,  but  these  got  so  shuffled  about  the  pack  in 

wH  ,  that  many  a  deal  was  lost  in  the  confusion. 

i\ui  (lit:  iL'ust  agreeable  part  of  the  show  was  the  immense  mass  of 
bleased  and  good-humoured  faces,  which  not  only  thronged  the  thorciugh- 
tares,  but  replaced  in  the  shop  windows  the  "  sacrifioes."  the  "  look 
here's,"  the  all  at  one-«nd-ninc*a/*  the  "town-made  kids,  the  "double- 
sewn  genlleimuily  superior  dog,"  and  other  labelled  articles  of  London 
merchandise.  Every  one  seemed  to  be  cheerfully  disposed ;  and  not 
even  a  policeman  lost  his  temj)cr;  but  a  playful  poke  in  the  ribs  with 
his  tnnicheon  was  all  that  was  needed  when  a  polite  request  to  "  keep 
back  *'  failed  of  its  usual  etficiency. 

At  length  it  became  evident  that  the  real  procession  was  approaching, 
for  a  booy  of  police  being  drawn  up  in  Bridge  Street,  backed  witu 
beautiful  prolu.sion  on  to  all  the  toes  that  happened  to  be  too  promi- 
nent, while  a  few  officers  on  horseback  assistea  to  cIcat  the  way  by  the 
pUyiul  switching  of  the  \A\h  of  the  animals  into  the  faces  of  the  too 
eager  among  the  multitude. 

In  a  few  minutes  wc  caught  si^ht  of  the  l^eodle  of  the  Tallow 
Chandlers,  followed  bv  tlic  bauncrs  of  the  company,  with  or  without  its 
appropriate  motto  of  *'  JFix  ea  noatra  poeo"  After  the  officers  of  two 
or  tliree  more  cumpauie^,  including  the  Clothmokers,  who  seemed  some- 
what in  want  of  a  little  "extra  drill,"  the  civic  dignitaries  made  their 
appearance,  and  among  them  tlie  Heinenibrancer  was  the  oiUv  one  who 
seemed  intent  on  keeping  up  the  alienor)  of  his  position,  for  he  was 
continually  talking  out  of  wmdow  to  bis  coachman,  h^j  if  tfic  Uemem- 
brancer  desired  to  refresh  his  servant's  memory,  and  remind  him  where 
to  set  down. 

With  the  escoptioQ  of  the  equipages  of  the  Sheriffs,  wliich  were 
on  a  scale  of  splendour  equal  to  even  this  unpreccdentedlr  grand  occa- 
•jon,  then  was  a  particularly  fly-like  look  about  some  of  tne  carriages ; 
and  we  Doncied  we  counted  four  or  live  functionaries  in  one  vehicle, 
which  gave  on  uncomfortably  plcthorie  look  to  some  of  tbe  turns  out. 
Next  came  "The  Aldermen  who  have  passed  the  Chair,"  and  after 
them,  "The  Aldermen  who  hare  not  passed  the  Chair;"  but  unong 
the  fonuer  there  were  some  who  appeared  to  be  in  that  comfortable 
state  of  obesity,  that  the  process  of  passing  the  Chair  must  have  been 
one  of  considerable  dilliculty,  unless  the  space  allowed  was  exceedingly 
liberal.  It  was  ea-^y  todist-iuguish  the  footmen  of  the  tote  from  the  foot- 
men of  the  new  Lord  Mayoh,  for  tJ»e  looks  and  liveries  of  the  former 
were  alike  faded,  while  there  was  a  freshness  and  spirit  in  tbe  lace  and 
the  faoes  of  the  servants  of  the  new  potentate. 

Up  to  this  point  the  Imki)  Major's  show  hod  been  "much  as 
uBual,"  but  now  the  new  features  made  their  appearance,  the  man  in 
brass  having  eiven  way  to  metal  more  attractive.  First  came  Peace 
ou  a  white  cttarger,  who  seemed  determined  to  let  his  fair  rider  have 
DO  peace  at  all,  for  he  kept  bobbing  his  head  up  and  down,  and 
striking  Peace  with  his  milky  plume,  as  if  to  throw  it  in  her  face,  and 
twit  ber  with  her  display  of  the  white  feather.  Not  anticipatiog  that 
Peace  wouJd  ti&ve  oeen  seated  on  a  war  c-hargcr  our  artisti  whose 
imagination  is  obliged  to  be  always  "a  week  in  aavauee,"  had  placed 
her  on  a  "  lively  turtle,"  and  we  have  no  donbt  the  civic  authorities 
will  ndnpt  the  gracefnl  idea  next  year;  so  that  the  illustmtion  must 
\<c  twelvemonth  in  advance,  as  showing  how 

1  "unted. 

TIC  UU1L  ii.:si»,  iiiiii  ii.t  iiiv;  9th  of  NovcmbcT  ISSl,  Peace  Will  liarc 
found  a  new  pair  of  wings,  for  they  were  of  on  eicoedingly  woolly 


description,  and  seemed  to  have  been  plucked  from  a  far  from  "  dowxir 
feAt  her-bed.  In  the  train  of  Peace  come  tbe  four  Quarters  of  the  World, 
riding  side  by  side ;  followed  by  the  Horse  of  Europe,  looking  rather 
restive— perhaps  at  the  idea  of  the  Bull  of  Rome ;  the  Camel  of  Asia, 
in  compliment  to  whom  "The  Com'els  are  coming"  was  struck  ud  by 
the  band ;  tbe  Elephant  of  Africa,  who  seemisd  to  be  suffenng  slightly 
from  an  attack  of  his  old  enemy  Elepliunliasis;  and  twoUccrof  Amcnoa, 
who  looked  as  if  they  had  been  Deer  picked  op  cheap  at  Kpping. 

Next  followed  a  horec  with  the  attributes  of  Industry,  represented 
by  a  beehive  and  a  wisp  of  straw;  then  the  attributes  of  Art,  oin- 
blemed  by  a  portrait  like  those  labelled  "  in  Ibis  style  10*.  W."  at  any 
cheap  portrait  paiuter^s ;  then  the  attributes  of  Commerce,  cotuustiuc  of 
a  couple  of  small  tea  chests ;  and,  ultimately,  the  attributes  of  Mannfac- 
toies,  exhibited  in  a  small  loom,  and  something  between  a  pump  and  a 
steam  engine.  Industry,  Arts,  Commerce,  and  Manufactures,  would 
seem  to  be  in  a  bad  way,  if  the  above  were  appropriate  specimens,  but 
the  getters  up  of  the  spectacle  were  not  to  blame,  for  the  truth  w, 
there  had  been  a  lamentable  "falling  off"  in  every  department,  the 
"attributes"  luivinjr  been  falling  off  the  horses'  backs  all  the  way 
from  Guildhall  to  BrldKe  Street. 

The  grand  point  nf  the  procession  was  a  car  containing  four  sailors 
seated  opijositc  Britaxj*i.\,  behind  whom  was  a  globe,  with  llATPtWESS 
perched  at  the  top  of  it.  Wc  observed  with  much  sympathy,  that 
Uappiness  having  a  severe  cold  in  her  hcjid.  was  continually  Bucering 
on  to  Britannia  at  her  feel,  who  seemed  by  no  means  to  relish  the 
sort  of  thing  that  HArriVEss  showered  down  upon  her.  In  addition  to 
the  other  inoonrenieaoes  to  which  Happiness  was  exposed,  the  con- 
triver of  the  car  had  forgotten  to  put  springs  to  the  hinder  part,  and  poo* 
H  APPiNEsa  liad  to  trv  her  utmost,  whila '*  holding  on."  to  koep  from  looking 
the  picture  of  misery.  Fortunately  the  weather  was  fine,  November 
having  suspended  her  fogs,  in  compliment  to  the  ubcral  exertions  of 
the  CIVIC  authorities  to  give  novelty  to  the  Lord  Matou's  Show,  and 
wc  are  therefore  spared  the  pain  of  descnbmg HAPTiXEas  under  an  lun- 
breUa  in  a  shower  <rf  rain,  or  with  a  comforter  ronnd  her  llizoat  to  kera 
out  the  damp,  which,  hod  Lord  Mayor's  Day  looked  as  Uack  aa  K 
usually  docs,  would  have  been  an  inex-itahlc  oonseqoence.  As  it  is,  we 
arc  very  much  afraid  that  Peace.  Happiness,  and  BritawKIa  must  idl 
have  cone  to  bed  with  very  bad  colds,  and  we  can  fancy  the  tno  with 
their  feet  in  warm  water,  and  basms  of  gruel  before  them,  while  the 
banqnet  at  Quildhall  was  proceeding.  We  must  add,  that  the  Show 
was  a  vast  improvement  on  former  years;  ond  as  Lord  Matow 
Shows  arc  now  regarded  as  a  part  of  our  institutions,  it  is  praiseworthy 
to  get  thera  np  in  style,  introduce  new  effects,  and  endeavour  to  give 
them  an  allegorical— in  the  absence  of  any  other— meaning. 


i 


I 


Bather  Orer-Zealoua. 

We  have  recently  hoard  of  a  piece  of  Protestant  aeal,  which,  not- 
withf  tanding  all  our  heartiness  iu  the  cause,  goes,  in  our  opinion,  a 
little  bcyoi3  discretion.  It  api^ars  that  a  gentleman  who  fe4^  aa 
houcal  indignation  at  the  recent  condurt  of  the  Roiniah  hionuob,  on 
refus^  to  deal  any  longer  with  hie  butcbex,  for  aeadiag  him  a  kg  «f 
mutton  with  the  Pope's  eye  in  it. 


\ 


304 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDDK   CHARIVARI. 


THE  HIPPOPOTAMUS  PORTENTOUS. 

Tin  fttteniion  of  the  piibb'c  has  been  called  to  almost  eTcrypcciiliarity 
rel&tive  to  the  Hippopotamus,  but  tlierc  is  one  tinportant  point  in 
referenee  to  him  wLich  h&a  been  oTerlooked— rallier  unaccountably, 
©onaideruiff  the  time  of  year,  wbeUt  owing  to  the  dearth  of  more  im- 
portant newa.  there  h  a  demand  for  exti^ardimu7  cabbages,  ajid  the 
quotations  of  noonstroQS  tiimipa  are  frequeut  in  the  papers.  We  alludB 
to  a  '^  Curious  Ooiiiciden<;e,"  vrhich  might  have  fumifihed  a  snbject 
for  isevera]  lines,  at — ^at  least — a  peony  each.  It  is  strange  Umt  no 
ingemouB  journalist  should  Ijavc  discovered  tmy  coanexiou  between  the 
airival  of  the  Htppopotainus  m  this  country*  and  the  introductiou  of 
the  Papal  Bull.  Jua  former  times,  the  present  from  the  Nile  wodd 
eertamfy  have  been  deemed  ominoufl  of  the  trifle  from  the  Tiber,  and 
quaint  old  Aubrey  wauldi  no  doubt  have  classed  among  bis  ^* Fatalities" 
tne  fact  that  the  importation  of  one  monstrosity  preceded  by  so  little 
that  of  the  other. 


STATISTICS  OF  GUY  FAUX  DAY. 

THBreturna  of  specie  t^en  by  the  juTenile  population  on  lost  Gut 
PitTJC  day  are  the  liu^gcst  erer  known.  The  demand  for  old  newspapcra 
for  cocked  hats  exceeded  all  precedent,  and  it  is  calcuLttd  thut  Sfly 
thousand  old  journals  iixre  consumed  in  commemoration  of  old  times. 
The  metropolis  has  always  be«n  divided  into  Got  Facx  districta  oq  the 
6th  of  November,  &nd  a  pood  Guy  walk,  which  in  oilier  years  bas 
yielded  an  avenige  of  balf-a-crown  in  copjier,  waa,  on  the  last  5th  of 
NoTember,  known  to  produce  as  much  as  four  shiliing:3  in  ImlfpenM,  and 
M  much  agmn  in  silver  mone^,  showin;;  tljat  the  weallbier  clashes  were 
eftger  to  support  Protcsiantism^  even  in  the  guise  of  Guy$ ;  men  of 
straw  were  never  known  to  be  at  so  large  a  premium ;  and  old  ragSj 
which  had  been  previously  dull  at  twopence  a  pound,  went  up  to  two- 
pence-halfpeonv  on  the  monung  of  the  5tb,  and  in  the  evening  they 
went  up  ao  high  that  they  nerer  cunc  down  again. 


Indian,  and  vboopbe.  But  his  attempt*  were  disconnteoanced,  azul 
thongb  we  admired  liis  perseverance,  we  coold  not  but  bihOa  at  hii 
mistakea  estimate  of  our  countrymen. 

Altogether,  we  had.  a  most  salut^iry  night  of  sad  and  solemn  refectioai, 
&nd  we  i^ere  glad  to  see  &o  imuiy  of  our  friends  evidently  availing  them^ 
selves  of  the  opportunity  for  the  same  purpose. 

Talk  of  a  Qu&kers*  meeting^ujuse,  or  the  Model  Prison  !—forinaidag 
people  reject  eerioi\sly^  commend  Puiiei  to  a  November  M^  Mat^qmi  m 
London- 


PUNCHES  PENANCE. 

Bough  our  ordinary  mood  is  a 
jovial  one,  we  are  not  with- 
out our  moments  of  melan 
choly — all  the  more  intense 
from  the  height  of  ehecrful- 
ness  from  whlcli  we  tnmble. 
Sometimes  we  impo&e  thb 
wholesome  Badness  on  our- 
selves, but  more  often  we 
do  pcnaiice  iapoluutarily — 
iindini:  ourselves  in  the  white 
sheet  when  we  least  expected 
it,  and  renouncing  the  pomps, 
%'anities^  ruid  follies  of  the 
world,  when  we  had  ttattered 
ourselves  we  wtre  about  to 
enjoy  them  willi  peculinr 
gusto. 

Wcdtd  such  a  penance  on 
Thursday  night,  last  week-- 
in  Drury  Lane  The&tre — at  JtrrxiEN's  Bal  Maxqu^,  It  ia  i  [npossible  for 
any  monk  of  La  Truppe  to  have  passed  a  more  melancholy  night  m  hia 
eel!,  than  Punch  did  m  bis  boi>  at  that  joyous  festivity.  And  lie  found 
to  Lis  surprise,  most  of  the  cniiipjuiy  doing  penance  like  hinieelf,  and 
ftsaisting  at  the  doleful  cen-momal  in  the  gravest  and  most  solemn 
manuer. 

Yes — we  never  remember  to  have  witnessed  a  more  mournful  spec- 
tacle than  those  ranges  of  boies  and  graJlery,  filled  to  overflowing  with 
a  set  of  respectable  lamily  parties,  vfha  looked  on,  for  five  mortal  hours, 
without  a  laugh,  without  a  movement,  without  a  sound,  at  the  equally 
staid  and  solemn  scene  below  them.  In  the  area  of  the  theatre  moved 
some  five  or  six  hundred  persons  of  both  aeics,  many  of  them  in  fan- 
tastic dressesj  with  aad  faces  tsuch  of  them  as  one  coiald  see),  or  sadder 
Basks,  sometimes  to  brisker,  sometimes  to  slower  music.  But  whether 
the  orchestra,  indulfted  in  the  wildest  polka,  or  the  ^ntlcst  (juRddlle, 
there  was  no  chunge  in  the  spirit  of  determined  dreariness,  with  wlucb 
the  dancers  went  about  their  work. 

It  is  true  there  was  here  and  there  an  indiscreet  foreigner,  who,  mis- 
taking the  character  of  the  proeeedin|»9,  occasionally  indtu^d  in  an  out- 
bnrat  of  irreverent  vivacity  and  unbt'poniing  animal  spirits,  but  these 
mifipkced  demonstrations  were  quickly  put  down.  Gaiety  conld  no 
more  exist  in  that  atmosphere  than  a  moiLse  under  an  exhausted 
iccciver.  There  was  one  young  it^hiu  apparently  one  of  these  misguided 
foreigners,  tn  the  dress  of  a  French  iCarleguin,  who  made  many  koorioua 
Attempts  at  liveliness,  but  with  the  most  flat  and  uniform  failure. 
When  w«  left  the  melancholy  scene,  he  was  still  at  it,  embracing  a  red 


HZRV   19    OCR    PoRTBilT   iB   WX    XFPEJlRKD     T^f 


^  THE  POST  UPON  DOGS  OF  WATt 

The  Pc'^t  Is  wont,  in  its  own  profound  wa^,  to  sum  up  the 
events  of  the  past  week.  Every  Monday  a  frivolous  world  is  called 
upon  to  pause,  and  to  reflect  upon  the  lustorical  mntcirials  of  the  jost 
seven  dflja.  A  veiy  laudable  custom  this,  and  very  eloquently  viiidicaied 
by  our  goldcn-moutncd  contemporary.  Here  is  a  oeantiful  paas&gc  from 
*^The  Week"of  thcPoj/.— 

of  n-TOliilLdiia,  tii«  Jl«tinlei\!:!il  tbr&tJa  obIj  IioldlD^  her  tXm^gMs.^  do^  oT-wmr. 

Neptu>'E  00  the  waves,  reining  his  horses,  is  a  familiar  picture ;  bat 
that  half  Eorot>e  should  be  rudderless  on  the  billows,  and  with  slender 
threads  holding  struggling  dogs,  is  a  grand  novelty.  However,  the 
figure  satisfftcJcrily  settles  the  breed  of  the  do^  of  war :  they  are 
neither  mastifls,  nor  bloodhounds,  nor  French  poodles,  but,  being  reined 
with  thread  to  rudderless  Eureipe,  tossed  on  the  waves,  can  be  no  other 
than  water-dofs. 

The  Ministerial  Complete  I.«tter-WriteT. 

Lord  John  Riissell  has  always  been  considered  as  bavii)^  soma 
pretensions  to  be  considered  a  man  of  letters;  but  all  hia  letters  are 
now  thrown  into  tbo  shade  by  the  one  which  he  has  written  to  the 
Bishop  or  Duuhak. 

Poi-^'s  "  EssAT  ON  MaJ*."— Thb  last  edition  of  Pon's  Essay  haa 
been  got  up  by  Ca&de^aIi  WisiEif !>[,  and  nmy  be  had,  in  a  few  dejs,  li 
Westminster,  It  is  bound  in  scarle^  and  is  on  a  much  bolder 
thaa  a2iy  previous  essay  we  recollect  of  the  same  author. 


^m 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


200 


I 


■ 


I 


A  SHORT  WAT  WITH  THE  POPE'S  PUPPETS. 

To  the  Right  Hon.  Lord  John  Russell,  MP. 

My  LoaD, 

The  Pope,  in  his  scarlet  audacity^  cats  up  merry  Eng[Und  like 
B  cake  into  Ihirteen  slices, — a  Twelfth  Coke  witli  oil  the  imagca — 
girin?  a  slice  to  one  CanlinaJ  and  twelve  Bishops.  Tlio  Pope  has 
stretcoed  out  his  crozic^r.  and  pulled  the  strav  English  sheep  into  his 
fold.  And  the  sheep  »hull  be  better  fed  with  the  old  Vatican  wafers; 
and  shall  bear  on  iU  scarlet  wool  the  seal  of  the  Fishermau's  Ring. 
Wiihont  knowing  it,  we  are  all  of  us  the  Pope's  M)irittial  subjects ;  we 
have  gone  over  to  him  iu  our  sleep :  iu  our  beds  have  been  carried  to 
Rome,  and  are  only  now  awakened  to  tlic  change.  Such  arc  the  glad 
tidings  cried  bv  Doctor  Newman  ;  such  the  stirring  trumpet-noto  of 
the  tArdinal  of  Westminster ! 

And  now  there  arc  mcelings  of  Protestant  divines ;  there  arc  ad- 
dresses to  the  Bishop  of  Londos  ;  and  the  Bishop's  denunciations  of 
Papttt  suprcmacv  come  thawed  to  us  in  a  reply,  like  tlie  melted  tones 
long  froxcn  in  Munchausen's  trumpet.  Protests  have  been  issued ; 
the  Pope  pelted  with  all  sorls  of  names;  and  every  man  and  woman 
exhorted  to  declare  their  unrclcntin(^  opposition  to  Rome— their  indig- 
nattnn  at  its  insolence  and  its  ingratitude. 

My  Lord,  this  is  all  very  well ;  but  wc  do  not  have  meetings  lo 
protest  against  the  crimes  of  pickpockets.  We  do  not  gather  togiether 
to  declare  our  unco ni promising  hostility  to  burglars ;  wc  do  not  avow 
our  hatred  and  loatking  of — and  determination  never,  if  we  know 
it,  to  take — a  bad  crown  piece.  No,  my  Lord.  We  oay  for  a  police 
to  seize  the  pickpocket  it  possible,  in  the  fact ;  we  snoot  a  burghu-, 
though  he  may  escape  into  a  bush,  and  scream  for  mercy ;  and  for  the 
tended  copper  or  pewter  crown,  wc  may  cither  cut  it  in  twain,  and 
give  over  the  pieces  to  the  utterer,  or  nail  the  pocket-piece  inexorably 
to  the  counter.  Now,  my  Lord,  in  something  w'tcr  this  fashion  would 
1  deal  with  all  Cardinals  and  Bishops  appointed  with  hat.  pallium,  and 
ring,  to  English  counties.  In  some  such  way  would  I  deal  with  tiic 
iniquity  of  a  Church  that  would  nick  the  conscience  of  this  Protestant 
countiy — that  would  break  into  tlie  house,  and  domineer  at  the  fireside 
of  every  Englishman — tliat  would  substitute  for  the  Crown  of  England, 
the  rule  and  potency  of  the  triple  crown  of  triple  brass  of  the  withering, 
man-destroying  power  of  Rome.    The  wav  is  brief  and  easy. 

Let  your  Lordship  draw  up  a  small  oill.  A  phun,  unmistakeable 
bill;  with  every  line  and  clause  as  clear  and  deuued  as  the  bam  of  a 
Smithfleld  gri(firQn.  Ajid  let  the  bill  ran  as  follows,  with  aa  little 
flourish  as  you  may. 

"AND  BE  IT  ENACTED,  That  any  person  accepting  of  the  Pope 
07  RoM£,  or  of  any  Pope,  Cardinal,  or  Catholic  Roman  Bishop  soever, 
any  Titular  Jurisdiction  as  Cardiiinl,  or  Catholic  Bishop,  of  any  County, 
City,  or  Township,  of  Protestant  England,  shall  be  adjudged  guilty  of 
High  Treason  i  and  shall  suffer  the  Penalty  of  High  Treason  as  may  be 
adjudged  in  all  Cases. 

"AND  FURTHER  BE  IT  ENACTED.  That  the  signing  of  any 
Address,  Mandate,  Letter,  Order,  or  Eihortation  soever,  signe<l  by  a 
Catholic.  OS  tlie  Supreme  Catholic  Cardinal,  or  Bishop,  of  any  County 
City,  or  Township^  shall  of  itself  be  adindf^ed  as  Proof  of  tlie  Crime  of 
High  Treason  against  the  Crown  and  Dignity  of  the  Sovereign  of  these 
B^ms ;  and  the  doer  thereof  shall  suffer  the  Penalty  of  Iligh  Treason, 
aa  atljudged." 

Uere,  my  Lord,  are  two  little  clauses ;  a  Bill  in  the  rough.  Let  it 
be,  on  the  meeting  of  Parliament,  forthwith  cut  into  an  Act^  and  set — 
the  brightest  jewel— in  the  Protestant  crown  of  Protectant  England. 

And  in  mokuig  the  crime  above  recited  the  crime  of  high  treason,  1 
have  no  wish  to  bring  back  the  davs  of  the  hurdle,  the  halter,  the  axe, 
and  the  quartcring-knifc.  But  i  have  this  desire ;  a  most  lively  wisli, 
that  I  would  carrv  out  by  penal  enactment.  When  a  Boman  Catholic 
Pope-opDoiotcd  Cardinal  put  on  his  scarlet  hat,  and  called  upon  the 
dty  of  Wealminster  to  do  him,  in  the  name  of  Rome,  all  spiritual 
obedience,  I  would  immediately  seize  such  Cardinal,  try  him  for  liigli 
Treaaon,  and,  on  conviction,  send  him,  in  convict  grcv,  to  the  antipodes. 
The  convicted  Roman  Cntliolio  Bishop  of  Plymouth  should  know  the 
change  of  air  breathed  at  the  still-vcxod  Bermudas ;  and  the  Bishop  of 
Liverpool  (|uair  the  bitter  waters  of  Norfolk  Island. 

The  lime  has  passed  when  wc  should  protest  in  the  old  way 
against  the  powers  of  the  Pope  or  Rome.  Our  new  mode  of  protest 
should  be  delivered  by  twelve  men  in  a  box:  our  appeal — not  to  the 
conscience  of  the  Court  of  Rome,  but  to  the  Jury  of  the  Court  of  the 
Old  Bailey. 

I  remain,  my  Lord, 

Your  obedient  servant  and  bumble  adviser, 


A   CIVIC  CALIOtTLA. 


An  cnthuxiaHtic  Aldemmn  declared  the  other  (hiy.  at  the  Ii<:>KU 
Hayor'b  dinner,  that  he  wished  the  worid  ooatained  but  one  turtle 
that  he  might  cat  it  all. 


THE  MUSEUM  FLEA 

Ma.  T.  HcTDspN  Tdrnee,  in  his  Bine-Book  evidence,  on  the  conditioD 
of  the  Reading-Room  of  the  British  Museum,  says : 

"Th«ru  U  A  Ou  eeneTBted  In  that  nniu  Ut«t  Is  larnr  thu  uiy  U  ba  fbmd  tlM- 
vhero,  cjiccpt  tn  tlw  noelrlns-ruomi  of  Um  workaonfM." 

We  think  the  Reading-room  flea  demands  instant  and  most  earnest 
attention.  We  propose  that  the  Antiquarian  Society  immediately  sit 
upon  tins  (lea.  Wc  moreover  suggest  to  that  learned  body  the  pro- 
prietv  of  grappling  with  three  questions  bearing,  as  wc  conceive,  very 
closely  upon  the  flea.    Namely — 

L  May  not  the  flea  be  generated  in  certain  books,  even  aa  mites  are 
generated  m  cheese  P 

II.  May  not  the  flea  be  the  metempsychosis  of  some  rich  publisher,  aa 
Curl  or  Tonson  ;  doomed  for  awhile  lo  jump  the  earth  as  a  flen ;  and 
further  doomed  to  the  Reading-room  of  Ilie  Museum,  that  the  trans- 
migrated  bookseller  may  feed  upon  his  old  and  cuHtomary  human  diet  ? 

III.  Ought  not  a  well-authenticated  Museum  ilea-bite  to  be  sub- 
mitted to  the  microscopic  examination  of  Er.\smus  Wilson,  in  order 
that  that  distinguished  dealer  iu  skins  might  report  upon  the  bite, 
whether  or  not  presenting  proofs  of  being  inflicted  by  the  ordinary 
weapons  of  a  bookseller  ? 


ASTRONOMICAL  EXAMINATION  PAPER  FOR  THE 
CATHOLIC  UNIVERSITY. 

BT   PRIUATE  CULLEN. 

Tuz  Sun  is  two  yards  in  diameter; 
It  moves  round  the  Earth ; 
It  is  made^  of  bees'  wax ; 
Its  shape  is  triangular ; 
It  rises  in  the  west,  and  5ct«  in  the  east ; 
It  is  called  the  Sun,  because  it  flrst  made  its  appearance  on  a  SuhAkj, 

The  Moon  is  half  a  yard  in  diameter ; 

It  is  oousin-german  to  the  Sun ; 

It  is  made  of  green  cheese ; 

Its  shape  is  that  of  a  square  : 

There  u  a  man  living  in  it  wiiose  name  is  Mooneg. 
It  was  called  1  he  Moon  from  the  circumstance  of  its  being  Aral  seen 
on  that  day  which  is  now  known  as  Monday,  but  which  is,  properly 
speaking,  Juoonday, 


An  old  Saw  newly  Set. 

We  Icam  from  a  curious  article  on  Walcr,  in  the  QuarteHp  Revm^ 
that  the  Bagshot  sands  catch  (besides  rain)  500  tons  per  acre  per 
annum  of  dew ;  which  is  one  source  of  the  exquisitely  pure  water  pro- 
iwsed  by  the  Board  of  Health  for  the  future  supply  of  London.  The 
Dirt  party  in  the  City,  however,  are  up  in  arms  against  the  Board ; 
loudlv  denouncing  their  project  as  chimerical,  and  their  pure  water  as  a 
vapid  and  unsavoury  beverage.  As  it  would  be  literally  pure  waste  to 
lavish  clean  water  on  palates  solamentablyperverted,  we  would  sng^t 
the  propriety  of  retaming  in  the  City  a  tew  tanks  of  sewage-mixed 
Tliamcs  water,  for  the  especial  drinking  of  the  "  Defenders  of  the 
Filth ;  *'  with  whom  we  are  certainly  not  lK)und  to  share  our  sun-dis- 
tilled supplies— unless,  indeed,  on  the  principle  of  giving  a  certain  old 
gentleman  his  dew.  

THE  CDRKENCT  JM  CAUPOILNLA. 

CALlPORNtA,  aocordim^  to  the  Uvrrpool  Times,  now  boasts  a  news- 
paijcr,  called  the  Cali/ornwn  Ultt^iraUd  Nevs.    The  price,  savs  the 

§uDUsher,  "to  bring  it  within  the  reach  of  the  poorcsl;,"  is  only  one 
olUr  a  number.    Ulie  Califomiau  gold  seems  nothing  to  the  Califomian 
paper.  

Double-Sighted  Sites, 

An  advertisement  announces  tli.it  liuitdlng-ground,  for  public  or 
other  large  buildim  requiring  two  front a^rs,  can  Iw  had  in  the  neierh. 
bourhooa  of  the  Houses  of  J*arli;iment.  We  suppose,  from  the  facility 
of  gettiigi^  two  frontages  in  the  \icintty  of  the  Leg^islature,  that  them 
is  ftomethmg  about  the  locality  which  renders  it  decidedly  double-faced. 


A   OAire   AT  BOr-SCOTCIf. 


Till!  announcement  of  JcLUEN'a  Bal  3Ia»m»i  contained  the  extra* 
ordinjiry  notifirjition  tliat  no /*w«Ar/f>o«  would  be  admitlctl.  The  im- 
pression naturally  produced  on  our  minds  waa  that  the  costume  was 
mtcnded  to  be  all  Caledonian,  and  tfant  dcoonuu  would  be  not  only 
Scotch'd,  but  kUt. 


I 


SM 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


THE  LAMENT  OP  THE  MAN  IN  BRASS. 


My  curse  upon  tke  City  and  Caiporatioii  too. 
rt^8  tiitk  that  I  evn  t)ioagfat  to  inem  to  bid  adoo . 
Was  I  not  old  and  oselesa— and  to  old  and  qm- 

less  things  .    .       . 

Ain't  there  dWays  in  the  Coimcii  a  maiwtty  nat 

dingsf 

It  ainH  bo  use !  They  've  codied  my  goose— whil 

can  I  do  bat  die? 
How  can  I  live  dishonoored,  i^unned,  skat  np, 

and  pat  by  ? 
But  by  tbe  light  of  prophecy,  in  my  last  hoar  1 

know 
That  now  the  Man  in  Brass  is  gone,  there  'a  more 

a  going  to  go. 

Smithfield  won*t  long  survive  me— I  see  within 

Quildhall 
The  mighty  Gog  and  Magog  a  tottering  to  their 

My  vengeful  ghost  shall  nde  the  roast,  and  rise 

a  cap-a-pie, 
e  a  nasa  of  calipash  and  a  modL  of  calipee ! " 


"  The  pot  o'  beer  yoa  ordered  *8  here,"  the  nimble  jwtboy  said. 
"  It  comes  from  round  the  oomer :  they  've  drawed  it  with  an  'ead ; 
And  here 's  a  pipe,  if  you  would  like  to  moisten  of  your  clay. 
Bat  they  said,  without  the  money  I  mustn't  come  avay." 

He  lingered  on  the  threshold,  but  the  warrior  heeded  not, 

Upon  the  board  beside  him  untasted  stood  tbe  pot ; 

The  pipe  lay  there  unlighted,  unopened  lay  the  screw, 

And  the  Man  in  Brass,  in  his  cuirass,  sat  looking  black  and  blue. 

There  gleams  not  now  upon  his  brow  the  caaque  with  nodding  plume ; 
Instead  of  that,  the  humble  hat  o'ershades  his  {raze  of  gloom ; 
Against  the  board  his  warrior  sword  is  sadly  laid  apart 
And  his  breaat-plate  falls  and  rises  with  the  heaving  of  his  heart. 

He  hath  roused  him  up  to  answer  the  clamorous  bov*s  demand— 
"  Into  my  pocket,  armed  at  point,  I  cannot  put  my  nand ; 
Wait  there  without — I  *11  pay  the  stout  afore  I  leave  the  room." 
llie  boy  is  gone — and  all  iQone  he  speaks  out  in  bis  gloom  I 

"  *Tis  the  ninth  mom  of  November— the  Lord  Mayor's  Day  is  here— 
Instead  of  sitting  by  my  stout,  would  T  lay  in  my  bier ! 
Up  through  the  street  yclept  of  Fleet  e'en  at  this  hour  they  paas — 
But  in  the  throng  that  ride  along  there  is  no  Mau  in  Brass ! 

In  days  gone  by  how  proud  was  I,  in  mv  brass  that  brightly  shone. 
When  to  saddle-tree  tliev  lifted  me,  with  many  a  heave  and  groan- 
How. 'midst  the  jokes  of  City  folks,  all  solemmy  I  rode, 
Nor  heeded  laugh,  nor  small  boys'  chaff,  as  on  ray  good  steed  trode. 

My  gallant  steed,  where  art  thou  ?    In  Batty's  siabtea  drear 
Art  thou  neighing  for  the  rider  who  is  sadly  sitting  here  ? 
Or  is  thy  proud  heart  chafing,  sm  they  yoke  thee  to  the  car 
Of  Britanmia,  or  some  such  stuff— the  humbugs  that  they  are  P 

Tbere  is  a  work— it 's  by  one  Bubke,  I  think  I  've  heard  folks  say— 
Which  proves  the  days  of  chivalry  for  ever  past  away ; 
But  tunes  of  old  had  still  a  hold  while  in  tlie  Lord' Mayor's  Show 
My  braaen  face  retained  a  place— and  now  X  'm  foroed  to  go. 

The  Common  CouncUmen,  I  feel,  will  rue  it  bye  and  bye, 
When  they  find  that  Batty's  charges  is  so  uncommon  lugh ; 
For  he 's  safe  to  send  them  in  a  bill  that  will  their  hearts  appal, 
for  Bbitahnia,  and  the  camels,  and  the  elephants,  and  all. 

And  what 's  the  British  public,  that  they  expect  'twill  bail 
A  female  in  a  petticoat,  mstead  of  males  in  mail  P 
For  Britanmas,  unless  it  be  on  coppers,  no  one  cares — 
What 's  elephants  to  Aldermen,  or  camels  to  Lord  Mayors  P 


A  VOICE  FROM  THE  BOTTLB. 

"Mb.  Punch, 

"I  am  glad  to  hear  that  tbe  (tezm'a 
Ministers  are  again  meeting  in  Conncu;  and 
learning  that  the  number  of  Funck  is  always  laid 
upon  the  table — no  doubt  for  purposes  oi  inspi- 
ration—I  address  you  that  my  lonff-atandinf 
complaint  may  reach  the  ears  and  iooob  (he 
hearts  of  Her  Majesty's  CounciOors. 

"Sirr-it  is  very  true  that  we  an  JbiitAtmH 
by  the  Fopb  ;  that  John  Buix  has  betto  diitaiM 
in  his  pleasant  pastures  by  the  portteteu  ttmAtik 
hat. 

"  It  is  very  true  that  we  are  tRam  tbwtened 
with  the  renewal  of  the  ineone-tak. 

"  Bat  these  matters  are  trifles  H.  oonjpariflaii 
with  an  iiyustice  that  has,  for  Teafs.  rae  ob 
increasing;  and, unless stoiff  by stai«ie,tlneateDi 
to  can?  aisgnat  and  confusion  into  error  oeUar. 
Need  I  say,  that  I  allude  to  the  dimiiMiBg  nm 
of  what  is  jocosely  called  a  quart  #ine  bottle  P 
I  am  called  a  quart;  and  yet  blowme^  as»boMK 
if  I  hold  more  than  an  imperial  pint.  Nov,  «hy 
should  not  a  law  determme  the  sase  6f  bottiea 
as  it  has  already  done  that  of  pewter  poleP  I 
aak  this  of  Ministers,  and  an^-for  mmmn$ 
not  men — 

"Yours  faithfully, 
"A  WiNX  Bottle  (called  a.  QuABif). 

"P. 8.  Couldn't  you  get  Gboxgb  CamMSXuxi. 
to  speak  for  us  P " 


"  Chip,  Ohow,  Ofaerry,  Obow/' 

The  inhabitants  of  Regent  Street  are 
anxious  to  get  rid  of  their  wooden  pavement,  and 
to  walk  in  the  ways  of  their  fathers,  if  tboae 
ways  could  only  be  restored.  The  broken  blocks 
in  tite  carriage  way  arc  so  manystumbHi^-bto^ 
in  their  path ;  and  though  there  is  a  venr  natotsl 
respect  entertuned  for  those  who  take  aner  their 
pafents,  the  passengers  are  excessively  disgusted 
by  continually  tumbling  over  so  many  cnipa  of 
the  old  blocks. 


a  pbovebb  pboyxd. 


If  it  be  true  that  the  New  Gut  Cardinal 
prompted  the  Pope  to  bis  late  foolish  interference 
with  England,  we  have  another  illustration  of 
the  truth  of  the  old  saving,  that  "it  takes  a 
vise-man  to  make  a  fool." 


The  Bishop  op  Londov's  Chaaoe.— Bnqoize 
at  the  doors  of  St.  Paul's  GathcdisI,  and  too 
will  be  told  that  tbe  Bishop's  Ghartfft  »- 
"Twopence" 


« 


k 


k 


THE    THIN    END    OF    THE    WEDGE. 

DAEING   ATTEMPT  TO   BKEAK   INTO   A  CHURCH. 


X 


H 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


209 


n 


» 


KINDKED  QUACKS. 

I  OTEiurzAim  two  matrous  grave,  allied  bv  close  aiBuitT, 
fThe  name  of  one  was  Phtsic,  and  the  other's  was  DivrxtTT,) 
As  they  put  their  groans  together,  both  so  doleful  and  lugubrious : — 
Says  PnTSic,  "  To  unload  the  heart  of  grief,  M&'uni  i:;  •tftlubrinus : 
Here  am  T,  at  my  time  of  life,  in  this  year  of  our  dt- livcruuce ; 
My  age  gives  mc  a  ri^ht  to  look  for  some  esteem  and  revereuce. 
But^  Ma'am,  I  feel  it  is  too  tnic  what  cTcr>body  says  to  me, — 
Too  many  of  my  ebildrcn  ore  a  sliomc  and  a  disgrace  to.me." 

"  Ah ! "  sflys  DrviNiTV,  "  my  heart  can  suffer  with  another.  Ma'am ; 
I'm  sure  I  can  well  understand  vour  feelings  aa  a  mother.  Ma'am. 
I've  some,  as  well,— no  doubt  but  what  you're  perfectly  aware  on't. 

Ma'am, 
Whose  doings  bring  derisioa  and  discredit  on  their  parent,  Ma'nm." 

"There  are  boys  of  mine,"  says  Pmsic,  "Ma*am,  such  eilly  fancies 

nourishing. 
As  curing  gout  and  stomach-ache  by  pawiug  and  by  fioun'&tiing.*' 

"WeU."  safs   DmBiTY,  "I'tc   those   who   teach   ibat   Heaven's 
beatitudes 

Are  to  be  earned  by  postures,  genuflciions,  bows,  and  atlitades." 

"My  good-for-nothing  sons,"  says  PHTSIG,  "some  have  turned  hydro- 

jmt  hints; 
Some  taken  up  with  mesmerism,  or  joined  the  homteopathists." 

"  Mine/'  ftf»ys  Divinity,  "  pursue  a  system  of  gimcrackerv, 
Called  Fusoyism,  a  pack  of  stuff,  and  quite  as  arrant  quackery.'' 

Soys  PiiTftic,  "  Mine  have  sleep-walkers,  pretending,  through  tlie  hide 

of  you, 
To  look,  olthougb  tiicireyesarcshut,  and  tcU  you  what's  inside  of  you." 

"  All !  "  savs  DlvDfiTT,  "  so  mine,  with  quibbling  and  with  cavUlijiff. 
Would  have  you.  Ma'am,  to  blind  yourself,  to  sec  the  road  to  travel  in.'* 

"Mine,"  Physic  says,  "have  quite  renounced  their  good  old  pills  and 

potiontf,  Ma'am. 
For  doses  of  a  billiontli  of  a  grain,  and  such  wild  notions.  Ma'am." 

*'So,"  says  DrvtNiTY,  "have  mine  left  wholesome  cxliortation,  Ma'am, 
For  credence-tables,  reredoses,  rood-lofts,  and  maceration,  Ma'am." 

"Bat  hoffpitiils,"  says  Finsic,  "my  misgnidcd  boys  arc  founding, 

Maiun." 
"  Well,"  says  Ditiuity,  "of  mine,  the  cltai>cls  arc  abounding,  Ma'am." 

"  Mine  arc  trifling  with  diseases.  Ma'am,"  saya  Phtsic.  "not  attacking 
them." 

•'  Mine,"  saya  DivmiTY,  "instead  of  curing  souls  are  quacking  them." 

"  Ah.  Ma'am,"  says  Phtsic,  "I  'm  to  blame,  I  fear,  for  these  abeurditics." 

"That's  my  fear  too."  DrvrsiTY  snys,  "  Ma'am,  upoumy  word  it  is.** 

Says  Phtsic  "Fees,  not  science,  have  been  far  too  much  my  wishes, 
Ma  am. 

"  Truth,"  says  DiviRiTT,  "  1  've  loved  much  less  than  loaves  and  fishes. 
Ma'am." 

Bays  each  to  each.  "  We  *rc  simpletons  or  sad  deceivers,  some  of  us ; 
And  I  am  sure,  Ma'am,  I  don't  know  whatever  will  beoome  of  us." 


» 


All  Up  with  the  Pop«. 

Movsi£Tm  FoiTEVTc,  the  French  aeronaut,  has  almost  cxhnusted 
Burrow's  Natural  Hhfoiy,  in  endeavouring  to  llnd  some  ucw  animal  on 
which  to  make  his  tialloon  ascents.  He  has  gone  up  on  horseback, 
donkcy-bnrk,  oftricli-bock,  and  nearly  every  other  species  of  back,  until, 
at  lost,  he  liaa  been  so  luird  pushed  lor  somctttiug  new,  tuat  he 
Teqne«t«d  an  elephant  to  give  him  a  back,  which  the  sagacious  monster 
declined.  It  is  now,  we  believe,  in  contemplation  by  Monsieur 
PoiTSTiH  to  ascend  on  the  back  of  the  Pope's  Bull,  which  will  expe- 
rience no  dilficulty  in  ascending,  for  it  has  attained  the  greatest  liciRbt 
erer  known,  at  least  in  the  way  of  impudence. 


The  Hive  Upset. 


Thi  indu?i  icter  of  the  English  nation,  and  particularly 

Cips  the  ion  of  it  in  the   undrrtAkmg  of  the  Great 

bition  of  j.:^.M,  wi^  probably  gave  ribfl  to  an  impreasiou  a(  the 
Vatican  that  our  swarmmg  millions  were  a  nation  of  dccr.  By  thia 
time,  our  rcclcsiasticol  invaders  are  probably  oonmoed  of  their  ai&take. 
having  found  that  their  interference  with  onr  hive  has  raised  m  neet  or 
hometB  about  their  ears. 


Huw  TH2  Potb's  Bull  is  to  be  £anv. — With  Durbam  Mustard. 


MTJSIC  AND  MANNERS  IN  LONDON. 

It  has  been  customnry  lo  imite  together  Music  and  Manners,  as  if 
the  one  were  comiecled  witli  the  other;  but  we  are  sorry  to  aay,  that 
Music  and  Manners  seldom  go  together  in  the  Metropolis ;  for  we  have 
frpqucntly  requested  an  organ-grinder  to  "move  on  '  with  his  music, 
when  he  has  not  hod  the  raoiuiera  lo  go  at  all.  The  other  day  we 
suffered  nmcb  inconvenience  in  an  over-lhc-Watcr  loo  omnibus  from  a 
coniet-iVpiston  on  the  roof,  who,  with  an  utter  disrcpard  of  nianncni, 
persisted  in  forcinc:  his  music  upon  us.  drnling  blow  after  lilow  ui>nn 
our  ear,  till  getting  into  a  crowd  rollfctrd  by  a  "determined  band."  we 
were  blocked  up  fur  scvcrM  niimitrs  listtuinp  lo  a  spwies  of  "Concert! 
Stuck."  Thrse  facti  lead  us  to  the  courlusion,  that  if  mnaic  does  not 
spccdilv  mend  its  mannprff— at  IcAst  in  the  public  thorougbfa/es— the 
tcnn  •  Music  and  Manners  "  will  become  perfectly  absurd. 


THE  BtSnOP  OF  LONDON'S  CHARGE. 

Wf  always  knew  that  the  chnrf?c  of  n  Bishop  was  something  very 
considerable — wc  had  he^rd  it  c&timatrd  ui  about  ten  thousand  per 
aimum— but  the  recent  rhurgc  of  the  Bisuof  ox  Lokdon  is  beyond  all 
price.  If  we  were  to  add  up  each  of  its  seven  columns  separately  wc 
should  be  unable  to  give  its  sum  total;  but  we  regret  that  some  of  the 
most  insi^ificant  itcjns  take  up  the  most  room ;  a  great  deal  of  space 
being  devoted  to  old  scores  tlmt  wc  hoped  h:id  been  rubbed  off.  Thus 
wc  have  all  the  items  of  the  Gobousi  affiiir,  which  has  been  aJreaily  so 
costly  to  the  church,  set  domi  n^ain  in  detail-  and  the  judicious 
HooKEE  is  rather  injudiciously  hooked  in,  lo  Kwell  a  charge  which  hod 
far  weightier  matters  to  take  into  account.  We  find,  sniwequentiv,  a 
very  long  paragraph  occupied  with  Bevkbtdce,  but  on  looking  into  this 
bevemge  we  find  it  little  more  than  milk  and  water,  which  need  not 
have  been  set  down  at  all,  aiid  of  which  the  cluirge  uiiglit  have  been 
fairlv  curtailed.  Nevertheless  wc  look  upon  the  Bi.-ihop's  charge  as, 
on  the  whole,  a  reasonable  one  ;  and,  if  the  charges  of  episcopa^^  were 
never  more  extravagant  thou  the  one  in  question,  we  do  not  think  the 
church  cconomista  would  have  very  strong  reason  to  complain. 


TICKLETOBY  FOR  BULLMONGERS. 

Among  a  heap  of  old  anus  and  muniments  devised  in  ancient  times 
for  the  defence  of  the  British  CroH'u  and  Constitution,  the  labours  of 
legal  archfcologiflts  have  tnnicd  up  a  curious  instrument  which  seems 
capable  of  bcin|r  again  colled  into  rocjuisition.  Thi.s  ancient  weapon  is 
in  a  pretty  fair  state  of  preservation — or  perhaps  it  would  be  more 
correct  to  say,  of  pickle :  for,  in  fact,  it  is  a  rod,  which  was  made  in 
tlic  time  of  Richard  11.^  for  the  back  of  any  person  or  persons  who 
should  introduce,  ur  cause  lo  be  introduced,  into  these  dominions,  any 
sort  of  document,  from  the  Court  of  Rome  or  elsewhere,  infrin^png  on 
the  authurity  of  tlie  Sovereign.  This  implement  of  correction  is  called 
the  .statute  of  Prirmunirt,  and,  thmi«li  it  may  Imvc  lost  some  of  its 
twigs,  there  is  yet  birch  enough  in  it  to  inflict  a  titillation  far  from 
agreeable  on  any  offenders  who  may  subject  themselves  to  its  stripes. 
It  is  to  be  hoi}od  that  the  knowledge  of  the  existence  of  the  JPrrnmunin 
rod  will  so  operate  as  to  render  tlic  application  of  it  nnneoessary.  and 
that  disloyal  ecclesiastics  wUl  he  deterred  by  it  from  invading  the  Koyal 

Ercrogative  as  effectually  as  ill-conditioned  and  vain  snobs  are  prevented, 
y  the  fear  of  a  whipping,  from  insulting  the  Qukk.v.  By  the  way.  it 
is  to  be  hoped  that  if  certain  clcrgvmcn,  commonly  called  Oxford 
Divines,  who  rather  approve  of  the  late  Papal  assaoJt  on  the  Crown, 
arc  named  in  connexion  with  Oxford  any  more,  it  will  be  only  with 
0:tToai>  the  Potboy.       ^ 

A  OommuniCAtion  from  Mr.  Sunup. 

"I  SEE  that  Lcion  Hunt  says,  *  New  pleasures  have  old  warrants.' 
Now,  I  am  sorry  to  differ  with  so  great  an  authority  as  Mh.  Leiou 
HowT,  but  I  never  could  sec  the  sliglitcst  pleasure  in  a  warrant,  and  1 
have  just  been  looking  over  a  uuinberof  'old  worrwits,'  of  which  1 
have  a  very  Urge  collection,  and  I  must  say  that  the  inspection  has 
yielded  me  anytliing  bat '  new  pleasures.'  " 

A.K  OLD  PaOVlHB  WITH  A  KEW  PACE. 

"TffBUE  is  but  one  stm  from  the  sublime  to  the  ridiculoufl,"  said 
Napoleox.  In  other  words— there  is  but  the  diffrrenee  of  a  letter  b^ 
tween  the  man  of  Pomp,  and  the  man  who  is  simply  a  Pump. 


Kasioal  Intelligence. 

The  Mons.  Juluen  bos  engaged  a  corps  of  Parisian  drummers,  for 
t  he  revival  of  the  drum  polka.  We  underiitand  that  a  novel  effect  will 
be  gained  by  the  use  of  real  dmni  clicks  from  t|^  Poultry,  in  a  new 
composition,  called  the  Turkey  Galop. 


X 


YoL,  XlX.~i860. 


-^xs.  ««8Sff 


^d 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVABI. 


AGGRESSION  ON  THE  OMNIBUS  EOOFS. 

tbe  Ffepers,  I  see,  Mr.  Pwick, 
tliat  the  Comxnissioiiers  of 
Police  intend  to  pnt  down 
the  seats  on  the  roofs  of  the 
omnibuses.  In  the  first  place. 
Sir,  if  the  roof-seats  come 
down,  the  fares  will  go  np, 
to  the  inconvenience  of  aS, 
except  the  ducal,  episcopal, 
baronial,  and  other  extremely 
superior  classes.  But  there 
are  several  descriptions  of 
persons  whom  the  proposed 
alteration  will  particularly 
incommode. 

Being  obliged  to  go  inside 
omnibuses,  which  are  so  nar- 
row that  people  can  neither 
get  in  nor  out  without  tread- 
ing on  their  fellow-passen- 
gers' toes,  will  be  a  great 
hardship  to  gentlemen  afflict- 
ed with  corns.  Sir,  unfortu- 
nately, I  can  sympathise  with 
those  gentlemen.  Other  gen- 
tlemen there  are  who  are  in 
the  habit  of  dining  out.  To 
such  it  will  be  peculiarly 
rexatioos  to  be  unable  to 
take  a  sixpenny  ride  to  thi^ 
abode  of  hospitality,  except 
at  the  peril  ofa  succession  of 
Btampa  bvins  imprinted  by  dirty  highlows  on  resplendent  boots.  With  these 
gentfrmen,  Sir,  1  nave  also  a  community  of  feeling  and  interest.  Then,  Sir,  there 
■re  gentlemen,  also,  who  I  will  not  say  have  an  aversion  to  infants,  for  that 
would  be  barbarous,  but  who  object  to  too  close  a  proximity  to  those  interesting 
objects,  and  would  rather  be  out  of  the  hearing  of^their  cnes,  or,  at  least  have 
thoKo  innocent  but  intolerable  sounds  mellowed  by  as  great  a  distance  as  possible. 

To  be  condemned  to  the  interior  of  an  omnibus  is  to  be  doomed,  in  nine  case£ 
ont  of  ten,  to  immediate  contiguity  to  an  obstreperous  babe  in  aims :  a  position 
most  nervous  and  nncomfortabre.  It  is  therefore  a  severe  sentence,  and  a  heavy 
punishment  to  the  class  of  gentlemen  I  have  last  adverted  to,  and  in  whose 
Bosceptibilities  and  sensations  I  likewise  strongly  participate.  An  omnibus  full  of 
fine  healthy  young  women— half  a  dozen  of  them  with  a  nursling  each  in  her  Up— 
IS  a  very  common,  and,  no  doubt,  a  satisfactory  sight ;  and  they  make,  I  dare  say, 
a  very  pleasant  party  among  themselves^  and  are  a  very  fit  and  proper  cargo  for 
the  iSBide  of  the  vehicle.  In  the  meantime.  Sir,  give  me  the  oat ;  and  I  hope  yon 
wul  stand  up  for  the  roof-seats,  and  the  comfort  of 

Am  Uncle  of  a  Fakilt. 


women  suspended  in  the  air  are,  now  naotuarj  to 
the  corioauf  of  the  PariaianpQbko  ^Hien  a  balloon 
from  the  Hippodrome.  We  expect  to  hesr  next  that 
PoiTBVDr  intends  going  up  attached  to  the  baUoon  by  the 
hair  of  his  bead,  (ot  he  aeems  onite  silly  flDOo^  to ' 
the  victim  of  sach  a  very  foolish  attaohmatt. 


ON  BntDS,  BALLOONS,  AND  BOLUSES. 

The  bird  of  JEsctjlapius  ought,  certainly,  to  have  been  a  goose ;  for  "  Qoaok, 
qnack,  quack,"  should  be  the  great  motto  of  medicine.  One  professor  invents 
an  ointment  for  other  people's  bad  legs,  which  keeps  him  comfortablv  on  his 
own,  while  another  makes  a  harvest  of  everybody's  com,  and  a  third  publishes  a 

fill  to  smooth  the  pillow  of  every  invalid,  or  a  bolus  to  render  his  bolster  bearable, 
n  another  phase  oT  quackery,  we  find  specifics  for  the  hair  recommended  to  those 
who  are  ready  to  take  any  nonsense  into  their  heads,  and  will  boldly  stand  "the 
hazard  of  the  dye,"  in  the  vain  hope  that  the  grey,  indicating  the  twilight  or  winter 
tune  of  life,  may  be  exchanged  for  the  dark,  brown  tints  of  summer  or  autumn 
at  the  latest;  and  we  are  constantly  being  invited  to  "remove  our  baldness  "in 
advertisements,  which  we  know  to  be  the  very  essence  of  balderdash. 

Quackery,  however,  seems  to  be  successful  in  some  cases,  for  the  public  will 
•wallow  anything  from  a  puiF  to  a  pill,  from  music  to  medicine,  from  a  play  to  a 
plaister,  luid  there  is  no  doubt  that  (to  paraphrase  Macbeth,  when  speaking  of 
the  possibility  that  Bimam  Wood  being  come  to  Dunsinane)  :— 
"If  Babxuk  would  but  com«  to Drury  L«ne," 

he  would,  by  his  force  of  quackery,  make  that  pay  him  which  has  paid  no  one  else 
during  the  last  quarter  of  a  century.  Such  is  the  spirit  of  the  age,  that,  reading 
the  aooounta  from  America  relative  to  our  own  protegie,  Jen-nt  Lho),  we  are 
oupoaed  to  think  that  the  nightingale  is  bein^  made  a  goose  of  in  the  United 
Htatea— so  vast  is  the  amount  of  quackery  with  which  her  name  is  just  now 
ideiitiiled. 

Aa  there  is  good  to  be  got  from  every  evil,  we  are  justified  in  expecting  that  the 
puff  and  quaok  maUdy  will  cure  itself,  and  if  things  are  likely  to  mend  when  they 
Ml  to  the  wont  we  may  connatulate  ourselves  upon  humong  having  reached 
ahuoat  Iho  autipodea  of  lenae  and  propriety.    The  balloon  mania  has  abready  nrarly 

SihauMttHl  the  utwoat  naouroea  of  absurdity  j  for  M.  Poitxtin  on  a  donkey— 
uw  very  like  puttiuf  butter  upon  baoon  l^iaa  faUed  to  atbaot,  and  time  or  four 


WANTED-WAKEHOUSE-EOOM  lOB  ART, 
Bp  Mb.  Johv  Bull. 

Wet  leave  me  a  parcel  of  pictures. 

And  why  give  me  statues — 'od  rot  'em  I— 
To  draw  on  me  foreignraV  strictures  P 

l^ey  're  no  use  to  me  when  I  're  got  'em. 
They  're  very  fine  and  splendid,  I  due  8». 

And  so  they  'd  look,  no  doubt,  if  I  conM  shov  'on ; 
But  I  'm  obliged  to  put  'em  all  away — 

I  haven't  one  fit  place  wherein  to  stow  'em. 

Keep yoor Wilsok,  your  GAiV8B0B0ireB«TOar Lilt, 
Your  Hogasth,  your  Bxtmolds,  yoor  Khxlubt— 
If  von  rive  them  to  me,  I  say  freely, 
I  shaU  go  put  'em  all  in  a  cellar. 

lery  won't  hold  one  Master  more ; 
[icHAEL  Amgelo  oottld  find  there  no  loodity. 
And  if  Raphael  himself  came  to  the  door. 
With  Fekgusov  he  'd  taste  like  hospitaility. 

Mr.  Latabd  here  just  has  been  sending 

From  Nineveh  various  antig[uities, 
Its  manners  to  illustrate  tending^ 

And  customs,  and  sins,  and  iniqnitiea. 
But  then  there  s  my  Museum  stiued  ao  foil. 

If  NiKBon's  self  appUed  there 'd  not  be 
As  for  that  what  d'  ye  call  it— wingM  boll— 

I  've  no  accommodation  but  a  tomb  for  him. 

I  don't  under-value  the  present — 

A  painting  I  love  beyond  measure ; 
To  look  at  nne  sculptme  is  pleasant : 

But  where  to  dispose  of  the  treasure  F  ^ 
lour  pictures  and  your  marbles  I'll  reoeivtB, 

Without  the  slightest  mnrmnr  or  objection ; 
If  you  be  also  kind  enou^  to  leave 

A  proper  place  for  holding  the  collection. 


fnr 


"JUSnCB  TO  BACHBLOBfl." 
"Mb-  Pokch, 

"  I  have  read  the  complainta  of  Chabus  SiHOUt- 
BOT,  in  your  last,  with  sympathy ;  and  have,  with  neat 
feelmp,  considered  the  cuts  of  tb*  artist,  illaateatire  of  the 
injustice  complained  of  by  0.  S.,  and  my  remedy  ia — this. 

"  Let  the  ladies  (and  /  say  bleaa  'em !)  have  the  hot 
rooms,  and  the  men  the  worst ;  but  don't  let  the  mamed 
men  Ue  in  clover  by  virtue  of  their  wives;  whilst  the 
bachelors  are  hoisted  mto  the  garrets. 
"My  remedy — I  repeat  it— is  thU. 
"  Let  the  women,  married  and  single,  share  the  best 
beds  together  among  'em ;  and  let  the  men,  manied  and 
bachelors,  individually  rough  it  in  the  attics. 
"Youra, 

"ASnrotBVicnM," 


AN  APPETITE  FOR  NOVELTY. 

At  one  of  the  numerous  exhibitions  daily  advertisiag  their 
attractions  to  the  world^  we  find  among  the  programme  the 
announcement  of  some  exquisite  pean-eaters.*'^  This  nut 
of  the  entertainment  must  be  rather  costly  for  the  proprietor, 
if  the  pearl-eaters  happen  to  have  good  appetite^  and  are 
ollowed  their  pearls  as  the  French  are  thlBir  bread,  h  SU- 
iHtion.  Surely  there  must  be  some  mistake  in  the  adve^ 
tisement,  and  pearl-drinkers  must  be  intended  instsMt'  of 
peari-eaterB,  for  early  pearl— or  pttrl,  as  it  is  usnaOy  jmlt» 
we  believe—^  a  common  and  inexpensive  bevange.  "Inan 
ought  to  be  literally,  as  well  as  musioally,  %pim»  du  Pmim 
to  supply  the  expimsive  tastes  of  these  iadtvidnsls*  vho^ 
byhavmg  their  appetites  thus  loxurioaslj  Mmpanflt  bVi 
ia  time,  require  some  gunets  by  way  of  §mnibmu  qg 
i^hould  they  turn  topers,  insist  on  diinking  nothiof  Mi 
choice  than  dissolvedrtopiuEea. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


911 


THE  CONCERTS  AT  THE  OPEBA  HOUSE  REVISITED. 

(4f  «v  own  Imftrtiat  OuicJ 

AMiTf  I  repeated  my 
visit  to  the  Grand  Na- 
tional Concerts  once 
or  twice,  and  find  that 
they  are  now  in  some 
measure  vindicating 
tbeir  claim  to  their 
title.  They  include,  at 
least  ouo  pieceof  mosic 
in  tue  course  of  the 
oTening,  vhich  is  really 
RTand :  and  let  ua  hope 
that  the  screnataa  of 
>Lb.  M AerAnBEN, 
Mr.  Loder,  and  Mr. 
Glov£B,  will  render 
them  both  grand  and 
national. 

Persons  who  hare  the  oontrol  of  nnsical  arrwgements  in  this  country,  too  often  bear  a 
resemblance  to  a  very  unphilharmonio  animal,  both  in  respect  of  ears  and  obstinacy.  The 
directors  of  these  concerts,  however,  I  am  bappy  to  report,  sliow  tliat  they  can  lake  a  hint. 
Mk.  Balte  and  his  tjaad  now  play  sympbonica  (urly  out,  executing  them  by  re^ar  process, 
instead  of  murdering  them  by  cutting  them  in  two.  When  1  beard  BEETno\i:N^  noble 
Stoiea  for  the  aecona  time,  it  waa  like  beholding  a  mighty  Colossus  in  its  totidity — ^instead 
of  seeiofi^  a  Kiant,  heels  finit  and  head  afterwards. 

Last  night  I  heard  the  symphony  in  C  minor  by  the  same  preat  man ;  and  I  would  advise 
everybody  to  hear  it  too,  that  woidd  like  the  emotions  of  ]oy,  and  cxultatiou,  and  triumph 
to  be  excited  in  his  soul  — if  he  has  a  soul— for  the  small  sum  of  eight eenpcnco,  if  he  can 
command  that  amount  of  capital.  For  mv  part,  I  paid  tlirfe  shillingB  for  the  entcrtaiimicni, 
b<!ing  driven  into  the  upper  boxes  by  the  crowd,  which  is  now  deservedly  considerable  at 
this  place  of  recreation,  so  much  so,  as  to  incommode  a  short  fat  man  like  me.  The  galler}' 
stalls  would  have  answered  my  purpose  at  a  le$s  expense,  but  that  the  neighbouring 
chandelier  keeps  hissing  with  ita  gas  in  a  very  disagreeable  and  unwarranted  manner. 

Upon  my  word  I  don't  regret  my  three  shillings.  I  had  \Vebeh's  Overture  to  Obtr<m 
for  it— full  of  fairy  grace  and  chivalry — into  the  bargain,  I  also  heard  Uie  gentlemen  of  the 
choir  of  the  Berlin  Chapel  Iloval  sing  a  fugue  of  Jomelli's,  and  wishrd  tlicm  no  further  tluin 
St.  Paul's  or  Westminster  Aubey,  Miss  Aj>gri  sang  Di  hnU  patpiti,  in  a  very  saccbarine 
manner ;  and  the  iubilant  Wedainp  March  of  Meudkusobk  was  played  with  such  spirit 
that — if  the  thougnt  of  such  a  thing  were  not  ridiculous  on  the  part  of  a  little  corpulent  man 
—it  mieht  have  persuaded  me  to  go  and  seek  to  get  married. 

My  iorec  shilluiE;!i'  worth  might  have  comprised  a  good  deal  more,  inclusive  of  a  selection 
from  one  of  DcMitKTTi's  operas,  and  a  fantaaia  on  another;  also  a  polka  and  a  galop — 
which  1  dare  sav  afforded  sut&cient  diversion  to  those  who  were  inclined  to  stop  and  bear 
them.  But  the  tashioDable  musw  of  love  and  of  the  dance,  does  not  aflect  my  aympathiM, 
and  if  it  did,  would  excite  feeUngs  incongruous  with  my  personal  appearance. 

There  is  an  individual  uerformer  at  the«e  concerts  whom  I  cannot  forbear  aingling  out  for 
favourable  mention.    1  allude  to  the  gentleman  who  beats  the  kettle-drums.    Ue  drums  very 
eealously— yet  without  too  much  zeal;  he  is  a  drummer  who  would  have  just  suited  Tallbt- 
Ilis  delicate,  distinct  touches  tell  exquisitely  in  the  syuiphouies  and  overtures;  and 


THE  PATENT  PASSENGER  REGISTER. 
To  Mf  Punch. 

"Sib, — *Ana  'ad  okashun  to  rite  yoa  afore 
oonoeinin*  of  regihuboaa  of  'bnMea,  I  mak»  bold 
at  present  wich  now  or  norer  moat  be  tfaA  wu3 
with  us  condukten  and  drivers.  'Ard  naed  we 
alius  wx»  and  will  b^  wioh  not  to  speke  of  ^ 
wav  condukters  b  poked  it  out  o'  winder  with 
sliks  and  rumbrellers,  uod  the  trubble  guv  ua  by 
ladies,  perticly  since  the  Ihnipncny  faros  and 
change  constandy  required,  wicli  I  rcckena  to 
carry  about  thirty-six  pound  wate  in  coppuT 
about  me  from  our  fust  ^umy  till  our  last; 
'owever  these  'ore  inoonwcntencei  ain't  notJiink 
to  Bpeke  of  wile  a  man's  carakter  is  wot  it  ort  to 
be,  hut  now  I  'ere  tell  of  this  'ere  'Patent 
passenger  redchester,'  wich,  aa  explanoa  by  a 
gent  as  rode  with  ua  last  Satteniay  net  the 
dore,  it  is  some  kind  a'  «^«J^Kl•n»  under  the 
step  as  tells  any  time  a  passenger  gets  in  and 
hout  wich  it  is  ment  for  a  check  upon  has  con- 
dukters. 

"  Now,  Sir,  look  'ere  'ow  it  will  work.  I  wurks 
on  a  Waterloo.  £re  's  a  lady  ales  us  in  Chan- 
cery Lane— well,  in  she  gets,  and  wen  she's 
settled  'erself  olf  the  passengers  uees  and  lows, 
she  sez,  says  she,  '  You  go  to  the  Bank  ? '  sea 
she,  which,  in  course,  we  don't  go  no  veres  near 
the  Bank,  and  she  mite  a  knowd  it  if  she  'd 
axed  afore  gittin  in  (but  they  seems  to  think 
all  buascs  goes  to  tlie  Bank).  '  No,  mann/ 
scz  1.  'Let  me  out  this  moment,'  sez  she,  'I 
want  to  go  to  tiic  Bank,'  sex  she ;  and  out  she  gets 
afore  she 's  rode  twenty  yarda  praps,  wich,  in 
coarse,  we  don't  charge  a  fare  ifor.  uor  don't  ort 
too,  but  the  hindex  (aa  they  calls  it)  marks  a  pas- 
senger, and  a  passenger  the  pore  coudukter  will 
'avc  for  to  pav  for,  not  to  speke  of  gents  ai 
gets  hnp  ou  tne  step  and  sees  twelve  hiuside. 
and  sez.  Oh,  noroom,'wichitamtnousea  tcUui 
thorn  there  f>  loum,  and  down  they  gets  agm. 
and  there 's  another  passenger  to  pay  for  atoned 
this  'ere  niudex,  and  wot  w  a  coudukter  to  dof 
which  my  place  is  bad  enoff  now,  but  will  be 
niiusshun,  besides  Biany  uther  cases  too  noo- 
mcrous  to  menshun,  and  wimmen  continooally 
Icviug things  in  the  'bus,  and  juaipin'  hup  ou  the 
step  to  git  em  wen  they've  pade  their  munney, 
which  there 's  another  passenger  marked  ana 
uo  munney  took,  but  the  condukter  will  'ave  to 


4 


he  ia  particularly  great  in  the  m*and  thump  in  the  overture  to  OitfTM.     I  should  really  like  *^,  i,  [!  ^^  , 

to  hear  this  artist  perform  a  fantasia  ou  his  special  instrument.  Fantasias  in  general  are,  I  J^^T  J****"^^  ^"  J™  hindex  is  marked  np 
to  me,  mere  mu3i(»l  exercises,  and  simply  wearisome.  But  a  fantasia  on  the  drum  would,  |  ^^  nye  thousand,  for  fere  of  us  oonduktors  a 
at  any  rate,  bo  a  novelty.     I  say  thus  murh  for  aii  instnimeiit  and  a  performer  alike  too  workin"  on  it  round  to  deseve  the  proppj  riotura. 


commonly  neglected ;  and  would  not  wish  to  insinuate  thai  the  orchestra,  genemlly,  is  not 
quite  woilliy  of  the  kettle  drum. 


OMISSIONS  FROM  THE  LORD  MAYOR'S  SHOW. 

MxsaBS.  Gog  and  Maooo,  in  the  purest  spirit  of  civicism,  be^  (through  Punch)  to  ask. 
wherefore  the  Lori>  Mayou  s  procession — having  onoe  taken  to  beasts,  to  the  injustice  ot 
the  Proprietors  and  Fellows  of  the  Zoological  Gardens— failed  to  number  among  the  stags, 
elephant,  and  c&mel,  the  subjoined  distinguished  members  of  the  animal  world?  The  9th  of 
November,  1850,  is  over  and  gone ;  but  tlie  hiboui's  of  Mssaus.  G,  and  M.  may  not  be  thrown 
away  upon  the  Lord  Mayors  as  yet  in  the  bosom  of  futuritT. 

Av  Obthjch — with  a  horse-shoe  in  his  mouth,  and  the  freedom  of  the  City  hung  about  his 
neck.  The  iron  to  signify  that,  as  a  citizen  of  London,  he  is  ready  to  swallow  and  digest 
any  and  all  of  the  arguments  of  the  Court  of  Aldermen. 

A  Zebba— as  the  representative  and  type  of  worldly  luck ;  showing  bow  a  species  of  donkey 
may  paas  through  the  world  in  the  Unest  of  coats. 

A  Jackdaw— as  a  bird  associated  with  church  towers  and  steeples ;  td  be  carried  hawk- 
wise,  on  the  fist  of  the  Lou>  Hayob's  Chaplain :  and  to  cry,  at  short  iutervals.  "  Twopence— 
Iteopenee — ISecpenc*/*  in  honour  of  the  Dean  and  Chapter  of  St.  Paul's  Cathcdm!. 

A  ToRTOisEsozLL  Cat— in  commemoration  of  the  mayoralty  of  Rjcuaru  WmTTDiGTOx ; 
and  further  illustrative  of  the  neoeasity  of  every  Corporation  Ci^  catching  his  mouse. 

A  Jackal— in  compliment  to  the  vested  interest  of  Smithfield  Market,  and  repreaentativo 
of  the  civic  class,  delighting  in  garbage. 


A  RxAixr  "Shockino  Bad  Hat."- 
the  PoPK, 


■The  Cardinal's  Hat  beatowed  on  Dr.  Wisehax  by 


wicli  I  knows  men  aa  will  be  a  match  for  any 
hindex,  if  you  was  to  mark  it  up  to  a  niillinn, 
and  will  keep  a  boy  to  jump  hon  and  bolT  the 
step  all  the  jumey,  and  (juere  the  hindex  till  they 
wurks  it  to  any  pint  as  autea,  whieh  it  will  be 
the  ruin  of  the  condukter  aa  is  'onest,  and  it 
won't  be  no  good  wea  a  condukter  'a  a  roge. 

"  So  no  more  at  present  from,  Mr.  Punch, 
*'  Your  own 

"  'Boa  CONDUCTUU" 


Hammersmith  a&d  Home. 

At  the  present  time,  when  so  many  penooa 
are  wishing  "  Confusion  to  the  Pomt  it  ia  de- 
sirable that  tlic  Pops  or  Bisiior  or  Rom  should 
not  be  confounded  with  the  Pope  who  is  the  car- 
rier between  Hammersmith  and  the  metropolis, 
or  rather  that  Mk.  Pope  should  not  be  con- 
founded with  Pio  Noso.  There  is  this  impor- 
tant dUTerence  between  the  two  individuals, — 
that  the  Pope  op  Hammziibxith  confines  himself 
to  carrying  some  thingi  behind  him  within  his 
regular  diitrict,  whereas  the  Porn  op  Bomb 
wants  to  carry  every  thing  before  him  ia  ter- 
ritories quite  beyond  his  vroviuoc. 


I 


I 


IT  M  COLD  «X  OWrr,  Ajro  TOIT  TBnnt  it  WADLD    »B    DRTTHa  TO  LIR  DOmC  nWUiW.     DODiaiOll  AKD  Joint*  AaJI 

uns  an-sUBKTKD  it  tub  iioiierr  of  iirrraura  tii«  oabut.    rr  u  i»cosvmi»tlt  full  alkeadt,  amd      ^^a|f^^^  vtrvwn  to  thi  u»oii,a¥i«.  w  o«»a«, 

BTEBT90D1I   U  flTOniKQ.  «14.1«  UllUKLf  LTOS   WUiT  HB   i>lMfllt>ULA   A  FIIJI 

or  CAni.C,   COATA,  OAVVAd,  LDOOAOIE,  &C.      MOW   U 
111  TO  mow  TOAT  IT   I«  A  LADT  AKD  OBllTlKMAK. 


II 
I* 


AftKITAL  AT  OBTllTD.      TOE  TIDE  TtflKO  LOV.  IT  U  KB«1MA11T   TO  LA!n>  IV  IMALI,  DOATff.      THE  nom  18  SIX   IE 
TUC  UORMIMO.     PVltni«B   l«  TAKIKa    rUiCK.  AKU    IT  1!   VKHV  COIJ).      iKTRIIIMTniO    BHOTtORB    Up   HEBflRi    UnoWX, 

joKsa  AMD  noEixioM  UK  coMi.fu  IX  iiouT  ur  "  ruBBion  rArrti"  rva  tub  riK^T  timb. 


Mumrr  OF  TvmiE  axxiitv      nAJinrATiojf  or  rABRfOHTs  »t  the  AUTBOBrmi 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CIIARIVARL 


=  VI  V  A  L  S. 

HEPLY  sensible  1  urn,  and  oucht  to  be,  of  Ihe  great  privilege  which  I  ttgdywit 
few  days  ago,  of  travelling  from  the  Pnddinfrion  Station  to  Didcol,  ia  oamptaaf 
with  the  Uev.  iNOCi.rjius  Cbabbe.  The  Hkv.  iNGULrmn  and  I  yrtm  bcuooI- 
fellowp,  and  thoiigh  our  lota  in  life  have  l>ecn  rrry  dilTprent— he  heinff  now 
s,  '   '   r  of  St.  Simeon's,  ns  yrcW  as  amateur  father  confessor  to  the  Anglo- 

(  erhood  of  St.  lionnelt.  :md  fbc  editor  (some  lliitik  author)  of  thOM 

^        ,  blul  roscjilc  uovch,  t/ir  Prir-Dum,  Secret f  of  ffm  (ha/ory,  Kad  T^£ 

SiaJce  ia  the  Country ^  or  thf  Marfyn  of  Mount  Street — while  I — but  no  matter  for 
that— uotwilhstawdin?,  1  say,  the  difl'erence  in  our  position?,  be  \n  always  very 
affable  when  wo  meet,  and  does  not  even  scnipk-  to  eon-  .  tho 

present  state  of  the  nation,  of  which  his  views  are,  upon  '  i 

But  I  never  remember  to  have  heard  liiui  so  very  u.  -.,.„  ^.o  ..=;...>{  our 
journey  on  this  occasion,  llo  kept  drawiiiff  liic  most  awful  pictures  of  lufidelitj 
stalking  throuf^h  the  length  and  breadth  of  our  island,  tcarinfj  down  the 
reredosscs,  iputtmg  out  the  candles,  refusing  to  join  in  the  antipliomea,  building 
churches  without  apses  axid  pitciH^^oi  a  latitudinnrian  elercr,  with  ehirt- 
colJars  and  whiskers— of  the  dreadful  abandouuu'nl  1      '     '  f  llie  whole- 

some discipline  of  fasts  and  floggings — uml  tlic  u'  tn  to  auri- 

cidar  confession — uulil  I  thought  an  old  hidy  in  tliL  ^ ^^  ..«..1J  have  gone 

into  hvstericit. 

"  Where  is  the  holy  and  child-Uke  faith  of  onr  ancestors  ? "  he  asked.  "  Who 
now  endows  a  monastery,  or  settles  hig  pronerty  in  perpetuity  onaclmpter? 
No,  Sir,  now-iudays  wc  establisli  model  laflpiiig-houscs,  and  bebevp  in  the 
nnintermittint;  water-stijjply  and  piitc-droiuam).  AVhal  has  become  of  tbe 
blc»sed  practice  of  piltrrimn^ca?  In5lrad  of  lliem  wc  have  cicufHion-trains. 
In  place  of  praying  at  the  shrine  of  our  Ladtz  Of  Walsikouaji.  or  woliing  on 
buro  knees  round  the  tomb  of  the  blefiscd  St.  Thohas  of  (  anterburj-,  our 
artisAua  are  picture -seeing  in  the  galleries  of  Hampton  Court,  or  going  to 
Southampton  and  back  for  Ihree-and-bixpcncc." 

This  WW  the  strain  in  wliich  llic  lUv.  iNctTLPirus  indulged  till  we  shook 
hands  at  Didcot;  where  he  left  us,  and  was  received  by  two  young 
ticoMfs,  in  pale  faces,  stiff  cravats  without  tics,  and  long  coats,  one  of  whom 
meekly  shouldered  his  carpi*t-ba^.  the  work  probably  of  one  of  the  holy 
sisterhood  of  St.  Bennett  aforeaaia  (for  1  observed  embroidered  on  it,  in  the 


» 

^ 
^ 

k 


ips. 
as   had    not    been   oestowcd  on  the    edifying  discourse  I   have 
described. 

After  bis  departure  I  don't  know  whether  I  fell  asleep  or  not, 
but  I  certainly  had  wliat  Curistomieb  Sly  calls  "an  exposi- 
tion" of  veneration,  which  I  have  no  doubt  did  me  much  good, 
and  which  I  will  try  to  describe  for  the  benefit  of  some  oi  the 
latitudinarian  readers  of  this  publication. 

My  mind  took  a  letrograde  flight,  in  obedience  to  the  impulse 
it  had  received  from  the  Rbv.  iKr.ri.riirs.  I  fdt  myself  back- 
sliding, if  I  may  say  so,  from  present  faiths  and  feelingi),  into  past 
beliefs,  past  royalties,  past  pietisms. 

My  first  sense  was  of  tlie  iniquity  of  adherence  to  the  House 
of  Hanover,  and  a  lively  impression  of  the  awful  sin  of  the  Act 
of  Succession,  and  the  wilftu  wickedness  of  the  Bill  of  ItJghts. 
I  returned  to  my  allegiance  and  was  at  the  feet  of  tho  Pretender, 
renouncing  "  the  glorious,  pious,  and  immortal  memory,"  witli  preat 
unction.  Of  course  my  religious  creed  changed  with  my  political. 
1  made  a  tremendous  effort  to  slick  fast  at  the  High  TorJ',  Tantivjr, 
Church  and  King  Protestantism  of  Juxox  ana  Laud— but  in 
vain— I  was  swept  back — back  into  Queen  Mary's  blessed  reign, 
and  fonnd  myself  shaking  hands  with  Bishop  Bovneh,  as  wc 
assisted  at  the  roasting  of  a  batch  of  heretics,  somewhere  near  tbe 
present  site  of  the  Victoria  Park,  and  congratulated  each  other  on 
theprospocta  of  the  true  faith. 

Hero  I  thought  I  was  secure.  But  the  impetus  backwards  was 
too  strong,  ana  {before  I  had  time  to  take  good  note  of  the 
cbangcs).  1  had  already  done  duty  to  "Woden,  and  cooked  some 
Mores  of  British  captives  i  la  ptiut^'r,  in  honour  of  that  tme  old 
Anglo-Saxon  dirinity.  But  I  couldn't  stop  there  either;  and 
the  last  thing  I  was  conscious  of,  was  making  a  desperate  eflbrt 
to  stick  a  mistletoe  bough  into  my  cap,  as  I  hurrahed  a  march  of 
original  Druids,  (tho  leader  siuj^ularlv  rescmbUng  Lablache  in 
Oroceso)  round  about  the  gigantic  circle  of  Stonchcugc,  on  our  way 
to  a  human  sacrifice. 

Such  was  tbe  effect  on  your  humble  servant  of  the  Retbreko  Ivgulphus's  Theory  of  DcvclopTncnts— in  the  wrong  direction. 


CousroERABLE  constematiou  was  excited  among  the  Berlin  chorus 
at  the  National  Concerts,  by  the  intcUi^nee  that  all  the  subjects  of 
Prussia  serving  abroad  wore  to  return  immediately  to  their  aUogiancc. 
The  Berlin  chorus  not  being  at  all  pogilistic&Uy  disposed,  would  not  t)e 
desirous  of  putting  on  the  Berlin  gloves  to  firlii,  or  taking  up  the  Berlin 
gauntlet.  It  wasooservcd  that  the  choir,  while  singing  atllcr  Majesty's 


WARS.  AKD  RUMOtmS  OF  WARS. 

Theatre,  cxliibited  a  ?ood  deal  of  Prussian  blue  iu  their  oountenouoes  on 
the  evening  of  the  rumour  in  question  getting  int  n  circuUtion.  We  under- 
stand that  a  memorial  bos  been  addressed  tu  the  Kii<a  or  Phusma, 
stating  that  the  Berlin  choristers  arc  not  couspiring  in  this  country, 
although  they  act  in  concert,  but  that  they  are  eogKg^  in  the  ^c<»s«:d^«j«^ 
of  harmony  rather  thou  in  disturbing  it. 


314 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


INVASION  AND  SUBJECTION  OF  ENGLAND. 

VH,  own  particular  reasons  for 
believing  that  the  days  of 
England— as  England,  were 
numbered — that  the  Royal 
Standard  at  "Windsor  or  Buck- 
ingham Palace  would  be  in- 
evitably exiled  to  the  tricolor 
— and  that  the  imperial  crown 
Cnow  shown  at  one  shilling 
per  head  in  the  Tower) — 
would  be  taken  to  bits,  and 
the  prime  jewels  distributed 
by  the  1  rench  President 
among  his  Generals  for  sword 

Eommels  and  shirt-studs — 
anging  heavy  as  millstones 
at  our  heart,  we  resolved 
to  enquire  further  into  the 
matter ;  to  which  end  we 
sought  the  assistance  of  a 
cunning  man,  whose  private 
and  personal  acquaintance  with 
the  destinies,  oad  mode  for 
him  a  startling  reputation  as 
the  discoverer  of  hidden 
money,  stolen  spoons,  strayed  asses,  and  bewitched  cattle.  Retired 
Coloor-Sebjeant  Beebonnet,  of  the  Royal  RAinbows,  has  long 
been  the  acknowledged  prophet  of  the  town  of  Rawhead-cum-Gory- 
bones ;  and  to  Seejeant  Beebomxet.  with  a  solemnity  of  countenance 
not  to  be  mistaken  by  the  sagacity  of  such  a  seer,  we  last  week  took 
our  w»f.  At  a  glance,  the  Serjeant  Prophet  divined  the  cause  of 
OOP  mission.  "  It 's  all  up,"  said  he ;  '*  Britannia  may  toast 
onunpets  with  her  trident ;  the  House  of  Guelph  may  pack  to  the 
UnioiL  and  Lords  and  Commons  may  squat  at  the  Antipodes."  And 
then  tne  old  gentleman,  quivering  from  head  to  feet  with  the  indigna- 
tion of  «  patriot,  took  a  few  violent  tarns  about  his  cottage,  kicked 
over  a  stool,  cursing  the  bit  of  wood,  for  a  scoundrelly  Frenchman, 
and  then  dropt  savagely  with  all  his  weight  in  his  easy  chair,  and 
setting  the  ferocity  that  stirred  in  his  heart  to  music,  he  burst  forth 
singing — "  Jnd  Britotu  «j*r,  ever,  ever^ever  will  be  slave*  /  " 

Having  waited  until  Sebjeant  Beebonket  had  ventilated  the 
fomace  of  his  soul,  we  at  length  opened  our  business.  Would  he — for 
the  good  of  his  country  and  the  increasing  glory  of  Pitnrh — would  he 
coniKscend  to  prophesy  all  the  details  of  the  approaching  invasion,  and 
final  subjection  of  England,  by  the  French  ?  It  would  be  a  great  con- 
solation to  many  famihes  of  the  nobility,  gentrv,  cleigy,  and  even  of  the 
pnbUc  at  lazge^  at  once  to  know  the  worst !  Would  tne  Prophet  vouch- 
safe to  appear  m  robes  of  black-and-white :  or,  to  speak  in  vulgar  phrase, 
would  he,  with  pen  and  ink  and  foolscap,  make  manifest  the  horrors 
tlut  awaited  a  doomed,  but  singularly  unreflecting  country  P 

"  It 's  no  use.  Sir ;  not  a  bit,"  cried  Sbbjeant  Beebonnet,  and 
again  he  jumped  to  his  feet,  and  struck  his  head,  and  knocked  down 
another  three-legged  stool,  crying  "Costagw,"  at  the  prostrate  topsy- 
tmry  moveable.  "  It  *s  no  use.  Sir  \  Downing  Street  has  no  more  ears 
than  an  oyster.  When  the  bayonet  is  in  its  bowels,  and  red-boxes  fly 
i^ut  like  bUcks  at  a  fire,  then — then,  perhaps,  Downing  Street  may 
thkk  of  Ck}LOVB-SEAJEANT  Beebokket  I  " 

We  waited  our  time ;  for  at  length  the  patriot  prophet — with  a  soft- 
ness worthy  of  Cokiolanub  in  his  most  remorseful  moment,  consented 
to  proiect  his  soul  into  the  middle  of  June,  1851,  and  upon  a  fair  sheet 
of  foolscap  to  write  down  in  order  all  the  events  of  the  invasion,  and 
subjugation  of  England,  exactly  as  they  will  be  written  by  the  French 
genemissimo  oommanaing.  We  are  prepared  for  the  sarcasms  and 
unbelief  of  the  headstrong  and  frivolous.  They  have  no  eyes  for  such 
a  prophecy :  they  see  no  more  of  it  than  if  the  fatal  words  were  written 
in  ass's  milk  upon  pot-post.  Insensate  generation !  When  the  fire  of 
an  invading  army  soall  nave  wanned  that  colourless  fluid  into  the  nigri- 
tude  of  fact,  then — but  not  till  then— with  blinded  eyes,  and  gnashing 
teeth,  will  you  confess  that  the  man  who  knew  what  was  really  what, 
was  Sebjeai^t  Beebonnet. 

BULLETIN. 

LoKDON,  Buckingham  Palace,  /»«*,  1851. 

KoKSXETm  LE  President,— The  tricolor  vraves  over  the  Palace  of 
the  QirzLPHs.  I  dictate  this  in  the  pink-and-silver  breakfast-room  of 
her  deposed  Majesty  Queen  Victoria. 

Yes^rday  our  troops  landed  in  the  most  perfect  manner  on  Dover 
beaoh.  Not  a  drummer  was  missing.  The  weather,  propitious  to  the 
civilising  arms  of  France,  was  hazy  at  day-break,  and  tnicKened  into  an 
impervious  fog  towards  noon.  In  the  bosom  of  that  fog  we  landed ; 
when  the  son  of  Aosterlttz  (the  favourite  sun  of  your  immortal  uncle) 


broke  forth,  discovering  the  English  troops  m  full  ntreat  from  Dower 
Castle.  Not  a  shot  was  fired;  but  nothing  could  restnin  the 
indomitable  ardour  of  the  Brass  Band  of  the  150th  from  borstiiig  into 
Partantpour  la  Syrie  (epigranunatically  meaning  XiOndon). 

We  formed,  and  marched  to  the  Hallway,  when  Bokbadtbb  Hxllb- 
lauriers  rushed  forward,  and  with  his  drawn  sabre,  cut  the  electric 
wires — as  he  would  have  cut  so  many  fiddlestrings— thereby  destroying 
all  communication  between  Dover  and  the  Metropolis. 

The  troops  took  a  parliamentary  train ;  and  the  whole  route  through 
,  Kent — (Cesar's  Kent) — was  one  long  ovation.  Wherever  our  engines 
stopt  to  take  water,  the  inhabitants  poured  out  with  wine,  and  ale, 
and  a  liquor  of  the  country,  called  gin.  It  may  serve  to  show  the 
\  state  of  moral  discipline  arrived  at  hy  our  troops,  merely  to  observe 
that  not  a  drop  of  liauor  was  accepted.  Men  who  thirst  for  ^ory 
'  despise  all  meaner  drink. 

How  much  have  we  misunderstood  these  people !  A  train  in  advance 
had  spread  the  report  of  our  coining.  The  populace  was  dressed  in 
I  their  holiday  cottons.  At  the  station,  all  the  marriageable  maidens, 
I  with  flowers  upon  their  heads  (a  clergyman  in  attendance),  and  their 
I  parents  and  guardians  with  their  dowries  in  bags,  supplicated  an 
alliance  with  our  brave  arm^.  But,  with  the  voice  of  ^17  in  hia  ears, 
the  soldier  of  the  Republic  is  deaf  to  love. 

The  army  arrived  in  excellent  spirits  at  Blackheath,  where  &e  camp 
was  pitched, — a  part  of  my  staff  quartering  at  Greenwich  HospitaL  In 
:  order  to  prevent  a  surprise  by  the  Pensioners,  I  gave  oraeni  that 
jevervman  should,  by  sunrise,  under  pain  of  nuuiiaTlaw,  give  in  his 
I  wooaen  leg ! 

The  eastern  approach  to  London  in  our  possession,  I  marched  before 
!  day-break  upon  the  metropolis.  With  CinoflNGHAli's  Handbook^ 
I  London,  and  two  cabmen  brought  in  by  our  Lancers,  we  had  no  dim- 
culty  in  deploying  upon  Kegent  Street ;  and  here — as  before  concerted— 
our  movements  were  crowned  with  success. 

Kor  at  day-break  our  ^Uant  troops,  lying  in  secret  in  the  Crystal 
Palace  of  Hyde-Park,  whither,  according  to  previous  strat^,  they  bad 
been  conveyed,  packed  up  among  the  contributions  of  Imuidi  com* 
merce,  to  the  £xoibition  ot  all  Nations — at  dav-break  our  gallant  troops 
burst,  with  fixed  bavonets,  like  lightning,  forth ! 

The  42nd  Light  Voltigeurs — for  three  weeks  with  short  rations- 
shut  up  in  Paris  pianos,  of  an  entirely  new  movement  (see  Catalogue), 
although  a  little  doubled  and  cramped  at  first,  soon,  with  the  returning 
energy  of  the  soldier,  stood  at  ease  with  beautiful  determination. 

A  company  of  pioneers,  bursting  from  bales  of  French  silk,  and  a 
regiment  of  Sapeurs-~i<yi  long  ignoblv  shut  up  in  French  clock-cases — 
poured  like  a  torrent  through  the  Pane.  In  snort,  in  less  than  an  honr. 
alt  our  troops,  conveyed  in  French  manufactures  into  the  CiysUl 
Palace,  to  act  m  concert  with  the  invading  army,  had  formed.  A  mine 
had  been  sprung  by  the  brave  fellows,  to  wile  away  the  dreariness  of 
confinement,  and  precisely  at  6  a.  h.,  the  mine  was  fired  and  the  dass 
palace  blown  to  atoms.  Paxton,  the  architect,  rushing  from  his  lodg- 
ings, hard  by,  in  his  morning-gown,  to  the  scene  of  devastation,  was 
captured^  but  spared.  I  have  ordered  him  a  set  of  chains  of  200  owt., 
in  tri-colored  crystal ;  and  shall  present  him.  when  so  manacled^  the 
nation.  As  one  of  our  brave  fellows  blithely  observed,  when  the  Crystal 
Palace,  with  the  world's  Industrial  Show,  was  blown  to  bits — "CeUni 
joliment  nettope  f  " 

At  7  a.  m.  London  was  ours  with  an  amount  of  bloodshed  quite 
ridiculous ;  but  then  our  gallant  army  was  wonderfully  seconded  by  the 
efforts  of  t  housatid$  of  our  gallant  countrymen,  women,  and  diildnm,  all 
lodgers  at  the  hearth-stones  of  perfidious  Albion.  I  have  issued  an 
order  that  t^^cry  householder  shall  immediately  surrender  up  his  house 
and  moveables,  to  he  held  and  enjoyed  by  those  French  subjects  at  the 
time  of  the  invasion  lodging'  with  him. 

It  will  be  seen  thiit,  with  the  tens  of  thousands  of  our  gallant  conntiy- 
men  domiciled  with  the  unsuspecting  Englishman,  tne  downfaU  dL 
London  must  inevitably  be  vn  fait  accompli.  All  honour  to  those 
Frenchmen  who,  whilst  enjoying  a  treacherous  hospitality,  were  not 
forgetful  of  the  wrongs  of  Irance. 

At  an  early  part  of  the  day,  we  found  the  animals  of  the  Zoological 
Gardens  of  considerable  benefit  to  our  movements,  as  creating  a 
diversion.  All  the  camivora  and  the  monkeys  were  set  at  liberty.  The 
leopards — it  would  seem  with  an  instinctive  recollection  of  the  wrongs 
they  had  suffered  when  gibbeted  in  the  flag  of  Engbmd — turned  witn 
great  alacrity  upon  their  tvrants.  Ditto  the  tigers.  The  hippopotamnsi, 
enervated  by  English  milk  and  British  pumpkins,  refused  to  budge : 
and  leering,  as  it  was  thought,  contemptuously  upon  a  Chia  « 
Division,  was  sabred  on  the  spot.  On  the  other  band,  the  monkeys 
evinced  great  inteUigence  in  following  all  our  movements;  and  it  is  jvt 
to  be  seen  whether  they  might  not  oe  enrolled  as  a  Light  Singerie, 
with  considerable  effect. 

The  subjugation  of  £n|^d  is  complete.  Of  course  there  yet  remsin 
a  few  insensate  examples  of  defiance  and  contempt.  Quxsk  Victobia, 
the  Prince,  and  Chudren,  have  taken  shelter  in  Woolwich  BodcyanL 
the  only  place  where  they  cast  brass  guns.  I  learn  that  the  DoKyam 
will  be  guarded  by  circumvallationa  of  Congrere  rodcets :  by  iHiidi  it 
would  seem  the  dethroned   dynasty  contemplate,  at  the  wont,  % 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CUARIVAHL 


315 


> 


deepente  eoil.    Howevever,  Cardinal  WisEKAJt  has  been  with  me, 

and  I  have  authorised  him  (with  red  bat  and  stockings)  to  proceed,  with 
A  bcfittiuc  processiuu,  to  Woolwicb^  to  talk  reason  to  the  humbled 
House  of  Brunswick. 

High  Moss  will  be  performed  by  the  Cardinal  tomoTrow  in  West- 
minster Abbey j  and  FAxnEB  Newman  will  ofiicifttc  in  St.  Paul's.  ITic 
Arcbbishope  of  the  abolished  Church,  and  also  the  Bishops,  will  be 
allowed  to  leave  the  country:  thcr  ana  their  sinful  wives  and  children, 
with  one  cliange  of  linen.  The  Bishop  or  Loxuon.  for  certain  pre- 
▼ious  services,  farms  a  special  exception ;  he  is  allowca  to  take  with  uim 
a  portmanteau,  wetRhing  not  more  than  three  kilogrammes. 

The  Duke  op  Wei.ungton,  with  that  characterintic  obstinacy  so 
narked  at  the  infamous  ^Vole^loo,  yet  holds  out  in  Apsley  House.  He 
la  occasionally  to  be  seen  on  the  roof,  in  his  greatcoat  and  cocked  hat, 
oontinually  saying  to  himself,  "  Up,  Guards,  and  at  'em."  1  have 
ordered  a  nag  of  gunpowder  to  he  hung  at  the  street-door  (wc  have 
forced  the  gates),  and  at  ten  nrecisely  shall  effect  an  entrance.  I  have 
telegraphed  to  rortsmoath  lor  the  instant  outfit  of  the  Beitarop^oti, 
and  in  that  ship — Uat  ship— shall  instantly  transport  the  Duke  to 
St.  Helena. 

From  all  quarters  the  people  come  in.  Almacks,  liowcver_.  continues 
to  hold  out;  though  three  white  pockct-hantikcrcbicfs,  with  worked 
coronets,  have  been  sent,  as  flags  of  truce.  The  women  desire  to  walk 
out  with  their  diamonds,  their  daughters,  and  all  their  other  honours  of 
war.  This  must  not  be  permitted,  llie  diamonds  must  be  surrendered ; 
and  the  daughters,  with  the  largest  dowries,  one  and  all,  inexorably  pnt 
to  the  wedding-ring. 

1  had  almost  forgotten  to  state,  that  I  have  found  it  necessary  to 
bang  all  the  editors  of  the  atrocious  newspapers.  To-nisht,  1  ^  with 
my  staff  to  the  theatre,  and  have  ordered,  under  pain  of  martuU  law, 
that  the  pieces  acted  should  be  returned  to  the  language  from  which 
Ibey  were  origioKlly  plundered. 

Monsieur  le  President, 

I  have  the  honour  to  remain, 

CUA^'GAIUilSR. 


THE  REAL  CLEPK  OF  THE  WEATHER. 

_  It  used  to  be  supposed  that  the  Clerk  of  the  Weather  was  an 
imaginary  individual  but  a  gentleman  who  is  always  writing  to  the 
Tim€9  from  Bermonusey  Square,  has  evidently  inducted  himself  into  the 
office  alluded  to.  He  appears  to  sit  with  one  eye  on  the  barometer, 
and  the  other  on  the  thermometer,  all  day  and  all  night  long,  for  the 
purpose  of  noting  the  results,  and  contributing  an  occasional  quarter  of 
a  column  to  the  leading  journal.  We  have  lately  made  some  calculn- 
tion.%  upon  less  elaborate  data  than  the  Bcrmondsey  aarant,  and  by 
noting  the  tip  of  our  nose,  we  found  it  stood  at  40  in  the  shade  on  Guy 
Faux  Day,  and  on  the  9th,  during  the  Lord  Ma\-or's  Show,  the  same 
feature  got  up  to  GO  in  the  sunshine.  Our  liighlows  gave  us  a 
quarter  of  an  inch  as  the  depth  nf  mud,  but  this  docs  not  show  the 
mean  quantity  of  rain,  as  watering  the  roads  would  account  for  the 
phenomcnnn.  The  pressure  upon  our  chilblains  wns  much  below  the 
average  of  former  vears,  and  the  freezing  point,  which  wc  usually  have 
at  our  fingers*  ends,  was,  up  to  the  nudolc  of  November,  quiti 
perceptible. 


quite  im> 


Wanted  aa  Tutor-an  Accomplished  Thief. 

Ax  honest  employment  could  be  found  now  for  tho  genteel  high- 
waymen  and  pickpockets  of  the  last  century,  borne  thieves  of 
courteous  manners  and  light  fingers  are  sadly  wanted  to  rob  the  tra- 
velling public,  according  to  law,  at  the  London  Custom-house.  The 
TimeM  says,  that  it  is  the  practice  there  to  do  business  so  very  coarsely 
as  to  wrench  open  your  plate-chest  with  a  crow-bar  in  spite  of  your 
offering  a  kev.  Jack.  She ppaiid  would  have  appreciated  such  polite 
attention,  and  reciprocated  it.  Cannot  some  expert  housebreaker  be 
found  to  teach  these  persons  to  do  their  spiriting  rather  more  gently, 
instead  of  smashing  and  deslroving  as  mucri  again  as  they  seize,  like  a 
act  of  brutal,  clumsy,  half  educated  burglars  ? 


BLAKO  0?   THI   BKUVANTS*   HAU,. 


The  old  Pmt,  the  other  day,  recorded  a  wedding  between  a  baronet's 
BOn  and  a  lord's  daughter  under  the  heading  of  "  Marriage  in  High 
Life."  High  life!  UTiose  life  is  hjah,  in  these  times,  unless  it  is 
either  led  honourably  or  in  a  garret !  The  phrase  is  a  mere  flunkcyism . 
Wc  now  only  hear  of  "  High  Life  "  below  stairs. 


I>t;B10CS   LOYALTr. 


It  is  contended  by  some  that  the  acceptance  of  a  Papal  bishonrick  in 
England  is  not  incompatible  with  loyalty.  We  are  afraid  toe  only 
byalty  it  is  consistent  with  is  that  of  an  IcyATnJs  LoTOUST, 


PUSEYITE    "HISTRIONICS."' 

THEATRE  CLERICAL*  ST.  BARNABAS*3,  PIMUCO 


Thb  Reverend  Proprietor  has  the  honour  respectfully  to  aunonncft 
that  he  has  cstahli^ihed  this  Temple  of  the  ecclesiastical  Pramo,  with 
the  view,  in  conjunction  with  his  brother  Hislrionicji,  to  bring  out  a 
Succession  op  No^iti-TUis ;  a  designation  which  it  is  obviously  justi- 
fiable to  apply  to  Medi.«val  Rbvtvals,  or  the  reproduction  of  Mia- 
TRIIIE8,  which,  until  recently,  have  never  been  acted  in  any  ArTiiouacD 
EsTABLisimesT  in  this  country  since  the  Reformation.  To-morrow,  and 
during  the  week,  the  Performances  will  commence  with  the  Farce  of 

MOCK-MATINS;  OR,  MONKS  IN  MASQUERADE, 

In  which  the  Ret.  Mil  Bbveoict  Bam  kxH  iniroduce  hit  ctlthraM 
Italian  Imitatioiu. 

To  be  followed  by  a  Grand  Komanesquc  Mclodramanc  5pectacle,  entitled 
THE    SERVICE    IH    BISOTTISE: 

0«,  THE  .MVSTERIOUa  MOUNTIIBANKS. 

1Fi(h  nrtt  and  tiarttiug  J^fcfs  f^f  Srfnny,  Drei»ea  tind  DM>rafioHf, 
The  wlwte  of  Ute  Miuie  bj  PRovEssoas  OftSooftT  axd  Akbwmb. 


This  extraordinary  Piece,  on  the  getting  up  of  which  no  exertion  has 
been  spared,  will  inchidc  an  imposing  display  of 

SERIOUS   PANTOMTVE  ; 

ascertain  portions  of  the  Performance  will  be  gone  through  in  Dumb 
Show,  realising  to  the  imagination  of  the  Audience 

The  Magnificence  of  the  Roman  Bitnal ! 

and  it  is  confidently  asserted  that  the  DfitrsioN  will  be  Comtleti. 
The  Kr.v.  Mr.  Bam  will  perform  the  celebrated  feat  of  reading  various 
Passages 

wrrii  ms  back  to  thk  ArmsycE; 

and  by  way  of  improvement  upon  ordinary  summersets,  the  Rbv.  Ml. 
HoAK£3  will  cut  a  series  of  right  angles  in  the  air.    The  novel  trick  of 

aniTTixo  THE  licterw, 

will  be  introduced  by  that  celebrated  illusionist,  the  Rev.  Mb.  CozevSi 
who  also,  together  with  the  Kkv.  Messrs.  Hcmmau^  Ceeskb,  and 
Greeker  will  exhibit  a  variety  of 


Ecclesiastical  Foses  Flastiques ! ! 

Fullv  equal  in  point  of  attraction  to  the  moat  remarkable  spectacle  of 
the  Lind  ever  witnessed  in  the  genuine 

HALL     OF     ROME!! 

The  Text,  instead  of  being  spoken,  will  be  delivered  in  recitative, 
varied  by  the  introduction  of  sotos  and  choruses,  for  which  latter,  an 
ctSeicnt  corps  of  choristers  has  bceu  engaged;  and  Mr.  Benedict 
Bam  will  give  his  favourite  prfffhim  in  his  admired  sotio  voce  style. 
The  Effects  will  comprise  ihe  thrilling  incident  of  a 

TKRRIMC   APrXARATtCE   IN   THE   WHITE  StmPLICE, 

By  a  Reverend  Qentlcman,  who  will  deliver  an  impressive  recitation; 
and  tho  piece  will  temiiimte  with  a 

ORAN'D   CHORAL    FINALE. 

Great  attention  has  been  paid  to  the  Lighting  of  this  Tlicatre,  and 
public  notice  is  respectfully  called  to  the  arrangement  of  Large  Wax 
Candles  at  the  Iwck  of  the  Stage  to  bum  by  day,  as  well  as  nighty 
according  to  the  Roman  system  of  illumination. 

•/  The  eminent  illusioaisl,  tlic  Rev,  Mb.  Ignatius  Cotens,  the 
Oxford  Wi/Ard,  will  shortly  deliver  a  lecture  at  the  above  Histrionic 
Temple,  in  which  he  will  perform  tho  Astockdiiig  MAJircLof  Swal- 
lowing (in  a  non-natural  sense) 

ANT   On'EN   KDMBEH  Of  NO   LESS   TILAN   TniRn-NINE   ABTICLES !  !  ! 

Doors  open  at  seven  (in  the  morning) ;  performance  to  commence  at 
ludf-past. 

f'ivai  Pontiffx  Romanm  !  No  monef/  returtttd  t 


SOUEBOW  OB  OTHEK  (aMBTED  BT  HT8  LiTTLE  BOT  WaLTER),  HE  CATCHES  A  JaCK,  WHICH,  TO  TSE  llE.  B.'«  OWX  WOBOS. 

Fusa  AT  BiM.  AXD  Babxs  like  a  Dog  I 


BRIEFLESS  ON  PUSEYITE  BELL  RINGING. 

A  CASE  for  the  opinion  of  Ma.  Briefless  was  left  the  other  day 
with  that  pentlcman* s  Umidress.  who  laid  it  before  Counsel— witn 
her  own  liLlle  bill— in  the  usual  form,  on  the  following  mominir.  The 
case  ran  thus,  "  Youropiuion  is  required  whetlier  ihe  earlv  bell-ringing 
at  St.  Barnabas,  Piinlico,  by  which  the  inhabitants  are"  distiubcd  at 
nnoouth  hours,  and  rendered  contemiwrarica  with  the  aweepa  and 
•ther  molutinal  nuisances,  can  be  prevented  or  legally  punished. 

Mn.  Briefless  haa  forwarded  to  liis  Belgrariau  clients  the 
jowing  OPixiov  :— 

"  Trmple^  yovemder  16M,  1850. 

"I  am  clearly  of  opinion  that  the  bell-ringing  is  a  nuiaance,  and  T 
am  less  clearly— that  is  to  say,  rather  diinly— of  opinion  that  it  will  be 
difficult  to  deal  with  it.  If  the  bc-!l  were  an  external  doorbell,  and 
not  a  bell  runs  by  an  internal  mpr,  m*c  should  have  a  handle  to  take 
hold  of,  under  the  jioUce  act,  which  makes  it  an  offenee  punisliablc  with 
A  fine  of  forty  shillinw  to  ring  a  Iwtl  to  the  annoyance  of  the  inhabi- 
tants, On  the  other  hand,  1  am  afraid  the  law  cannot  grasp  the  rope 
of  the  Puseyites;  and,  perhaps,  this  may  be  a  wise  provision — or 
omifisioih— for,  if  they  arc  left  plenty  of  rope,  they  will  eventually 
hfuig  themselves.  If  proceedings  were  taken,  and  there  should  be  a 
conviction  against  the  bcU.  a-peol  would  he,  as  it  did  in  Clatper's 
rase,  though  the  bell  might  l>c  hung ;  but  still,  if  it  were  shown  to  be 
for  the  waking  up  of  the  priests,  there  miglit  be  a  plea  of  benefit  of 
clergv.  On  tnc  whole  rase,  therefore,  I  am  of  opinion  that  it  may  be 
wortR  while  to  take  out  a  sonimons  against  the  bell-riugcr,  calling  on 
Mm  to  show  cause  why  he  should  not  be  fined  forty  shillings  for  ringing 
»  bell  in  a  thoroughbxe,  to  the  annoyance  of  the  inbabttanis. 

"J.  Brieplbss." 
Mr.  Bbufless  having,  in  the  kindest  and  most  eonsiderntc  manner, 


"  Just  like  His  Impudence.*' 

For  weeks  and  weeks — for  feverish  days  and  sleepless  nights — hare 
wc  been  puzzled  to  understand  what  conlcl  have  been  the  object  of  the 
Pope  in  so  daringlv  nominating  CiVRDDJAi  Wi8EMa>.  Archbi-'ion  of 
Westminster.     At  last  we  have  arrived  at  something  like  ;  ry 

conclusion  ;  for  onr  belief  is,  that  the  Pope's  object  in  th-  en 

was  none  other  than  to  *'  iaie  the  incermtt  if  Enpland ;"  and.  Iroru  the 
vcrv  loud  indignation  tliat  has  been  expressed  against  it  in  evert'  pui 
of  tnu  kingdom,  we  think  that  His  Knowing  Uolmesa  has  every  oiance 
of  sQCceeding  in  his  object. 


A  FtmCB  OS  THE  HEAT. 


letoined  his  friend  Mn.  iJimirp  in  the  profiesuoual  capacity  of  "  Pflnly' 


In  his  new  book  on  the  defenceless  state  of  Enghmd,  Sni  FaAJtCIt 
1Ieai>  savB  that  France  might  invade  Loudon  with  the  greatest  ewso  in 
the  world.  Sin  Francis  Head  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  put  such  tluagi 
into  France's  head. 


EXTRA-MiniAL  IKT£BJa}iT. 


Since,  by  the  new  law,  all  cemeteries  are  to  be  carried  out  of 
town,  wc  hope  that  some  steps  will  speedily  be  tjiken  for  the  remorol 
of  Leicester  Square;  as,  for  ihe  last  three  ycttro,  it  has  been  nothiag 
better  than  a  public  cemetenr  for  all  the  doga,  cttU,  jmd  kitt«iia  « 
the  neighbouring  parishes,  to  De  boned  Ihero. 


I 


w 


I. 


4 


I 


THE    PUSEYITE   MOTH  AND   ROMAN   CANDLE 

••  Fly  away  Sillt/  Moth." 


X 


LABOUR    AND     THE     RICH. 

a$  Mr  oMh  special  M*tr»foHtm  Oorrtifmik^ 


JXILLEEy's  KAjQUERADB. 


^ 


v%  Correspondent,  in  parsoanoe  with  the  inatme- 
tions  ho  received  m>m  us,  proceeded  to  ihc 
above hannt  of  labour,  in  which  the  iudustrious 
rich  most  aboand,  and  the  foUowiuc  is  the 
result  of  the  information  he  coUcctea  on  the 
spot. 

Oar  Correspondent  bcprs  ns  to  state  that  he 
experienced  the  greatest  difficulty  in  collecting 
any  evidence  at  all,  for  alt  the  poor  unfortunate 
sufl'ercrs  whom  he  que!>tioned  seemed  to  be  so 
a^biinied  of  their  vocation,  that  it  was  only 
with  the  most  untiring  patience  and  good-hu- 
mour he  succeeded  in  eliciting  &  single  word 
from  any  cue  of  them.  In  geniiQ  harmony  with 
the  influence  of  the  place,  it  was  as  much  as 
be  couM  do  to  get  an;  one  to  »peak ;  and  he 
assures  us  that  the  task  he  tios  just  completed 
was  sucJi  on  unnleasant  one,  was  so  beset  with 
snnovances  aiin  ni-riis,  and  insults  in  every 
possihle  shajH^,  that  hn  would  not  undertake 
it  again  for  any  consideration.  How  he  earap^d  being  knocked  down, 
he  cannot  imagine,  for  he  says — "  It  is  one  of  the  great  peculiarities 
of  the  class  of  people  who  labour  at  an  English  masquerade  to 
tbink  it  au  insult  if  the;^  are  st)oken  to;  and  not  unfrequcntly  they 
resent  it  as  such,  by  levelling  the  impertinent  ottender  who  accosts  them 
at  full-lcngtb  upon  the  floor." 

It  is  not  necessary  to  describe  the  loca^it;  in  which  Our  Correspondent 
Dursued  his  investigations.  Everyone  is  acouainted  with  Juluxk's 
Mooquerode  and  its  dazzling  glories  of  gas,  ami  its  garlands  of  coloured 
colioo,  and  its  clusters  of  gdt  CT7ru»s  Uiat  are  susjwnded  from  the 
oeilioff  br  the  waist,  and.  by  the  heat  of  the  eliandeher,  keep  tnmiiig 
roandUKe  larks  at  a  tire.  Every  one  knows  Jdlluh,  too,  and  his 
memorable  smOe  and  white  waistcoat,  the  one,  like  the  other,  as  nnfaded 
as  tlie  first  day  he  put  it  on,  and  every  one  knows  and  admires  the 
rood  nature  with  which  he  mimics  a  musical  fanaticism.  Ever^  one 
lias  laughed  at  the  good-humoured  loni^uor  wilh  which  the  nugestic 
MONS.  drops  exhausted  into  his  repU  arm-chair,  after  having  enacted 
the  most  terrific  quadrille-storm  that  ever  distracted  the  6oion  of  a 
conductor,  and  smiles  privately  to  liimself.  In  fact,  Jullien  alwa};8 
seems  to  ns  to  be  smiling  under  his  while  waistcoat  at  the  fools  he  is 
iR&king  of  his  audience,  and  we  look  upon  this  fine  kerseymere  smile 
of  Jdllien'3  OS  the  greatest  proof  of  his  genius.  We  are  confident 
uo  one  enjoys  the  fun  so  much  as  he  does. 

All  these  things  ore  familiar  to  everybody,  and  we  think  Our  Corre- 
ipondent  was  perfectly  right  in  not  wasting  our  valuable  space  in  the 
tnousand  told  enumeration  of  them. 

The  following  is  the  substance  of  Our  Correspondent's  pouful 
investigations : — 

Tub  Right  Honoubablv  Stdket  SuniKnJOS.— "  Is  a  clerk  in  the 
Treasury.  Came  to  the  Masquenule  becaose  he  hadn't  anything  better 
to  do.  Wishes  he  bad  gone  to  bed.  Bought  a  nose  at  the  door,  and 
thought  it  original,  but  it  was  pulled  off  before  he  had  been  two 
minutes  ia  the  room.  Has  been  walking  about  three  hours ;  is  very 
tired  and  sleepy.  Wishes  smoking  was  allowed.  Thinks  dancing  at  a 
masquerade  vulgar.  Shouldn't  mind  a  Polka  in  a  lobby,  if  no  one  waa 
to  see  him.  Shall  walk  about  for  two  hour^  longer,  and  then  go 
home."  Tliis  evidence  was  interrupted  by  several  hems,  and  hahs,  and 
yawns,  and  elongated  by  the  most  distressing  symptoms  of  fashionable 
liatlessness. 

TnoKAs  ToADT,  Esq.— This  poor  creature  was  found  fast  asleep 
about  two  o'clock  in  the  moniing.  in  a  private  box.  It  was  with  the 
greatest  dilliculty  Our  Correspondent  could  wake  him. — "Wishes  the 
orchestra  wouldn't  make  such  a  row.  It  prevents  him  sleeyiug.  WTiv 
does  he  sleep P  How  can  he  help  it?— the  thing's  so  prtcious  stupid. 
Hates  all  masquerades.  Why  did  he  come  then?  Because  it  was  Sin 
Alfred's  box— and  a  person  must  50  somewhere.  Why  doesn't  he 
go  down  stairs  ?  Because  a  wild  Indian  said  sometliing  funn^  to  him, 
and  he  hates  funny  things,  so  he  got  oat  of  the  wav  as  quick  as  be 
coutd.  Must  have  knocled  the  man  down  if  ho  hud  stopped.  Shall 
stop  till  five  o'clock,  wtiea  Sik  Alteed  stands  supper  at  the  Bedford. 
Hates  being  bored.  Wants  to  go  to  sleep  again  — and  before  Our 
Corrvspondent  had  left  the  box,  he  says,  the  unfortunate  wretch  buried 
his  fatigues  under  a  heap  of  great-coats,  and  in  less  than  a  minute  was 
oompelmg  with  the  ophicleide  as  to  wliich  of  the  two  should  moke  the 
greater  noise. 

Captjli.n  Dp.  SiLUKiK,— "Is  in  the  Army.  Has  £5000  a-year, 
and  cxi)ects  as  much  more  when  the  old  governor  cuts  up.  Intends  to 
spend  every  penny  of  it,  like  a  brick.  It's  hard  work,  though,  this 
Masquerade.    Here  I  have  been  these  four  hoiurs,  and,  egad !  I  never 


worked  so  hard  in  all  my  life.  Will  yon  believe  it  f — the  only  fun  I  've 
hod  was  bonneting  a  CharUt  tin  iStteofK/— here 's  his  feather — beconse, 
you  will  scarcely  credit  it — the  impudent  vagabond  dared  to  speak  to 
me  without  an  introduction.  Shall  stop  till  tiiere  's  a  row — (here  must 
be  one  shoKly— and  then  won't  be  go  mto  it !  "  The  evidence  of  this 
misguided  youth — he  was  not  more  than  five  uul  twenty — was  largely 
interlarded  with  oaths  totally  uuGt  for  publication. 

Frjssch  H.iRLEQCis. — "  Kcfuscs  giving  his  name  or  his  card  either: 
but  is  a  mentbcr  of  the  superior  dasses.  Was  tohi  it  was  'the  ticket 
to  go  in  onstumc,  because  it  was  so  expreaoed  in  the  one  he  bonrht; 
but  shall  kuow  bettor  another  time.  Wishes  he  was  at  the  Club 
playing  lansquenet;  he's  tired  of  this  fun— if  it  is  fun — for,  for  the  life 
of  him,  he  euu'C  see  it ;  and  he  's  been  looking  for  it  everywhere  over 
since  ten  oVloek.  Why  doesn't  he  go  home?  Because  he  has  lost  the 
key  of  hi2>  chambers,  and  he  nmst  stop  out  till  the  laundress  comes  in 
the  morning  to  do  his  room.  Why  doesn't  he  do  something  to  promote 
the  merriment  of  the  evening?  That 's  all  very  well ;  but  wriy  don't 
you?  why  don't  the  others?  He  doesn't  sec  anybody  else  domg  it; 
and  be  doesn't  like  doiug  anything  that  'a  singolor.  Why,  be  would  be 
Laughed  at!  Well,  supposing  it  is  a  masquerade,  still,  a  gentleman 
naturally  doesn't  like  domg  auything  that  causes  him  to  oe  huighed  at. 
Why  doesn't  he  try  to  be  witty?  Becaose  he  does'nt  choose.  Is  that 
his  own  co&tume  ?  Why,  of  course  it  is.  Do  you  think  be  stole  it  ? 
ttTiat.  he  might  have  hired  it?  Oh!  you  think  so,  do  you?  WclL 
then,  here  goes ! "  and,  so  suyinp,  he  raised  his  Harlequin's  ann,  and 
dealt  a  heavy  blow,  which  Our  Correspondent  luckily  avoiding,  fell 
upon  the  unprotected  breast  of  a  German  student :  and  soon  there  was 
a  general  row,  which  quite  deadened  the  noise  of  Juluen's  band*  and 
for  the  next  ten  minutes  nothing  was  beard  save  the  voice  of  CjLfTAlv 
DE  SiLUMAN.  shouline above  the  tnmidt,  *I  'm  yoxirmaa.'" 

The  remnming  evidence  is  much  of  the  same  care-worn  texture. 
Pierrots.  D^bardcurs,  Borriatera,  Cooks,  Postillions, — ^persons  in  the 
most  nondescript  costumes,  and  oUiers  in  no  costume  at  all, — gentlemen 
sober  and  otherwise, — bLackguards  affecting  the  eentleman,  and  gentle- 
men doing  (only  wilh  a  better  success)  the  Wackguard,— were  all 
severally  examined;  but  no  fresh  fact  was  sifted  out  of  the  mighty 
heap  of  nonsense. 

It  is  onnecessary  to  state,  that  the  toil  was  voluntary.  It  is  so  far 
lucky;  for  we  doubt  if  any  money  could  have  compensated  for  the 
amount  of  fatigue  and  suffering  which  that  night  must  have  l)een  under- 
gone.   It  only  proves  how  much  an  RngUshman  will  endure ! 


THE  CABMAJ^. 


In  loneliness  upon  bi»  box  the  moody  Cabmaa  sat. 
Close  buttoned  was  his  overcoat,  sullenly  sloueh'a  his  hat ; 
The  pi[>c  of  shortness  from  his  mouth  he  fiercely  snatched  away. 
Muttering — "  We  're  very  much  alike,  thou  humble  piece  of  clay 

*'  The  bitter  world  despises  us,  but  colU  ns  at  its  need. 
Uses  us  up.  casts  us  away  when  done  wilh — like  a  weed. 
Though  right  and  left  with  eagerness  my  starting  eyeballs  glare. 
Though  crying  '  Cab,  Sir  !  *  alTdny  long,  I  cannot  fiiid  a  fare. 

"  When  from  the  stand  I  deviate,  along  the  street  to  ply. 
The  stem  policeman  fixes  me,  with  all  observant  eye. 
Down  goiis  my  number  in  a  book,  and  to !  within  a  week, 
I  standa  guilty  trembler  before  the  avenging  beak ; 

"  Men  step  from  out  their  stations,  bv  many  a  wilful  prank. 
It  is  the  cabman  only,  that 's  fetterea  bv  his  rank ; 
Prom  it  he  dare  not  move  away,  his  daily  bread  to  nin ; 
He  must,  till  some  one  calls  hmi  off,  true  to  hi*  rank  remain. 

*'  An  iron  badee  he 's  doomed  to  wear  on  his  external  vest. 
They  will  not  nave  it  anywhere,  save  on  his  heaving  breast, 
'T  would  seem  that  persecution  were  of  their  plan  a  part, 
EIm:  why  dash  down  the  metal  pUte  upon  bis  very  heart  ? 
*'  'Tis  cruelty's  refinement,  the  bosom  thus  to  brand 
With  weight  of  senseless  iron,  oold  as  a  t;rrant's  hand  ; 
And  if  in  passion's  anguish  he  hurries  it  from  sight, 
A  summons  may  be  found  at  home  to  welcome  him  at  night. 

"  The  law  won't  let  him  leave  bis  box  an  instant,  e'en  to  nuaff 
The  eariy  purl  of  daybreak,  or  the  morning's  halfand-halr. 
IJntasted  too  must  be  the  grog— nor  e'er  must  reach  his  lip, 
While  with  his  cab— the  delicate  and  egg-begotten  flip. 

"  He  mustn't  say  an  angry  word,  though  abuse  on  him  may  shower, 

lleluliation's  luxury  is  never  in  his  power; 

And  if  to  cheat  him  of  his  fare  a  passenger  essay. 

He  can  but  ask  the  knave's  address andlet  him  walk  away. 

"  Ahis !  for  our  fraternity  there 's  nothing  like  repoec. 

Though  cheerful  soozid  the  cabman's  'Qeea,'  sad  are  the  cabman's 

•Woes.' 
Thus  Irt  me  write  my  epitaph,— my  awful  fate  beware-,  ^ 

i  lirobr  Iftt  tnnrnj  until,  at  Ia«»  U  ^x^Nk\  tw.  v^-^x*«»x< 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


THE  DEFENCELESS  STATE  OF  ENGLAND. 

Thb  iiUrm  about  Ibe  uuprolected  femnJeahip  of  poor 
Uritaitnia  has  at  last  come  to  a  head,  Sra  Francis  having 
publislieU  a  book  tolliuir^u^  tliat  Loudou  h  liable  to  be 
walked  into  by  150,000  rrendimeii  at  any  hour  of  the  day. 
Tlus  is  a  sort  of  slorv  lliat  is  avowedly  intended  to 
Bliinulatc  naval  preparation,  aud  wc  therefore  rccdirrniend 
the  author  at  once  to  *"  tell  it  to  thr  marines."  Wc 
arc  quito  sure  that  if  l50,fH")0  Frcnrluncn  were  to  be 
seen  at  the  Bricklayers'  Amis,  Uie  cfi'i'Mon  pry  wmi!d  be 
"what  lire  tlic  police  about  "  and  Mi'    '  mr- 

PODY  would  at  once  proceed  to  Iho  J  'Ic, 

for  the  purpose  of  siillicientlvmun '  t," 

and  preventing  llie  "Castle''   fro.  rm. 

Siji    FiiANCia    proposea    the    in-  ..of 

Loudon,  iu  the  style  of  1^'aris.  bnt  reaily  the  market 
gardeners  in  the  suburbs  will  tell  him  wc  want  all  our 
trenchea  for  our  celery,  aud  an  to  throning  up  inouxubi,  wo 
liiivc  quite  enough  of  that  iu  getting  ready  the  beds  for 
our  asparagus. 

Wandsworth  sleeps  soundly  cuougb  without  the  aid  of 
bastions.  Ilrixton  would  ri&e  as  one  man  if  it  were  about 
to  bo  out  off  by  a  moat  from  Clauham;  and  ChcUoa^  if 
threatened  with  being  "  loopholed,  would  find  nny  loop- 
bole  to  ^t  out  of  the  expense, 

Kensington  would  never  quietly  consent  to  be  cocirckid 
with  a  rampart,  and  Hammersmith  would  fight  with  itj 
last  shilling  a^nst  being  converted  into  a  lort.  Fancy 
a  cbrawbriJgc  being  pidled  up  and  down  at  Hyde  Park 
Comer  for  the  passage  of  every  vclnclc,  aud  only  concrirc 
Battersca  tittca  up  with  a  gun  battery  to  enable  it  to 
annihilate  l*utney,  or  blow  IVandsworih  into  tlic  wat«r 
at  a  given  sigiud.  No !  No !  wc  ore  not  so  silly  as  to  Ixs 
frightened  b^-  the  shaking  of  a  ncnous  head  at  us.  There 
IS  nothing  in  it,  our  uderLy  female  readers  may  rest 
assured. 


AVERAGE   WEIGHT   OF   THE   FOOT    GUARDS, 

Ifeavif  Stcfll.   "What's   the   Average   Weioht   of   the   Mew  iw  rotrn 
Regiment,  Cuailley?" 
S»eU  m  ihf  Ouards.  "  Don't  kkow,  1'k  btee— aw— bt^  Ten  go  to  the  Toy." 


The  Authors  of  our  own  f  leasnrea. 

We  have  received  the  foUoiving  from  "  An  Aniaten^" 

who,  WR  imagine,  must  have  been  a  r^-*-:i  ■■•  -  »-  ffJu 
defunct  Annuals,  and  oHier  sources  ot  re. 

"Authors  may,  inderd,  he  railed  the  rti*  jwn 

fileasures^  for,  ufter  all,  it  mut^t  be  coufessed  that  there  arc 
pw  pleasures  in  this  world  to  be  compared  to  the  rcstatic 
pleasure  the  author  feels  in  reading  one  of  his  own  articles 
m  print."  According  to  this,  no  man  can  have  so  many 
pleasures  as  the  sedulous  penuy-a  liner,  for  bo  sees  bu 
articles  in  print  almost  every  day  of  his  Ufe. 


k 


A  FEW  WORDS  ON  OFFICIAL  COSTUME. 

Iw  these  days  when  puffery  with  its  thousand  tongues  is  calling  upon 
US  to  rtform  our  tailor's  hills-  when  the  tcn-gmnca  great  coat  of 
other  days  is  exchanged  for  the  hvcand  tncnty-shilliii!*  wrap-rascal,  or 
the  pound  paletot  of  the  present^  we  may  he  excused  for  snying  a  few 
words  on  behalf  of  ecouamv  in  olhciid  costume. 

Wc  are  cutting  down  salaries  to  the  minimum :  we  arc  calling  upon 
public  servants  to  do  a  double  day's  work  for  lialf-a-day's  pay ;  and  yet 
olficial  costume  remaius  unrcformed,  continuing  ajs  costly  as  ever.  Lf 
a  man  is  made  a  serjeant-at-law,  though  the  business  is  not  what  it 
used  to  be,  the  full-bottomed  wig  is  as  indispensable  ns.  ever,  fjid 
costs  exactly  the  same ;  so  that  the  coif  is  now  seldom  nnplied  for,  in 
con^eituencc  of  the  snmllncss  of  the  chance  of  profit^  ana  the  ccrtaiu 
expence  of  "  dressing  for  the  character." 

A  Serjeant's  wig  cuts  into  nu  a^^-ful  amoiuit  of  horse-hair,  and  one  of 
onr  "learned  brethren"  having  remom>trated  the  oilier  <by  with  his 
wig-maker  on  the  extravagance  of  his  prices,  was  scrionsly  informed 
that  a  single  wig  xises  up  the  tails  of  six  animals ;  and  our  friend  was 
referred  to  a  respectable  knacker  for  a  confirmation  of  the  fact.  The 
ordinary  bob-wig  of  the  "  utter  "  will  take  the  best  part  of  a  pair  of 

Souiea,  and  then  it  must  be  a  very  close  shave :  while  a  judge's  every- 
ay  head-drcM  will  make  a  couple  of  cobs'  tails  look  very  fooUsh,  leaving 
rcrliups  jast  enough  to  get  a  coachman's  Caxon  out  of  the  remains. 
t  is  true  that  these  wigs  hsve  come  down  to  us  from  our  forefathers ; 
but  why  should  we  take  their  folly  upon  our  own  shoulders  P  Arc  we 
to  curl  up  the  toes  of  our  boots  and  shoes  because  our  ancestors 
did  so  P 

We  ask  this  Question,  because  it  is  one  that  comes  directly  to  the 
point.  Dcsceauing  from  the  wig  to  the  gown,  wc  find  rxtrayagancc 
and  absurdity  pervading  the  toga  or  togcry  of  the  hii?hesl  judicial 
funrtionaries;  and  wccspcciaUr  protest  against  the  robe  of  the  Lord 


Chancellor  which,  wr  understand,  costs  several  hundred  pounds.  We 
have  heard  that  its  costliness,  ana  the  time  rc*|uircd  to  make  a  new 
one,  will  sometimes  cause  it  to  be  transferred,  with  the  seals,  from 
Chancellor  to  Chanrellor,  so  that  the  present  keeper  -r  "  ^n\ 
conscience,  being  much  shorter  than  his  prt;d<*ecssor,  wou  ■n 

obliged  to  get  a  tuck  or  two  "run  in,"  to  adapt  the  loit^  ,  : ,  ihe 
little  wearer. 

Lord  Campbell  on  the  eonlTarv,  had  he  token  IjORd  DBinu9c*9 
costume  with  his  office,  must  have  iiad  a  lloiince  added,  or  %  hem  bt 
down,  or  a  false  hem  constructed,  to  len^lhnn  out  the  judicial  gown. 

The  Chancellor's  state  robe  is  a  sort  of  black  drcssin^^-goivn,  with 
s^iuares  of  gold  leaf,  Dutch  metal,  or  some  other  glittcnng  material 
arranged  along  the  frcmt  of  it,  and  reminding  the  spectator  of  tlie  good 
ohl  days  of  the  drwna,  when  Tom  Thumb  was  a  standard  buriesque. 

We  should  be  fflad  to  know,  why  these  absuniities  of  costmne 
ore  abolished  on  the  Stage,  and  still  remain  on  the  Woolattrk  and  the 
judicial  bench,  when,  we  have  no  doubt^  the  learned  nias^iucradors 
would  be  glad  to  be  spared  the  expense  oi  buying,  and  the  lj\3uble  of 
wearing  them. 


-nt 

•t 


The  Progress  of  the  Times. 

We  understand  that,  in  order  to  show  their  disnpproval  ^-f  *'- 
nomination  of  Dr.  Wiseman  to  the  office  of  Cardmal,  t!i< 
Printers  of  London  have  resolved  to  set  their  faces,  and  ,, 

against  titles  in  Roman  characters,  which  arc  now  rpiito  out  of  cvor- 
body's  good  books. 

TflE  DsroURiNG  Ei^MEWT.— The  Police  Force. 


Blood  MoNit.— Paying  to  see  the  Chamber  of  Horrora  at  MABaVB 

Tus&aud's. 


4 
4 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIYARI. 


231 


N 


^ 
^ 


FRAGMENTS  PROM  THE  ilTSTORY  OF  CASHMERE. 

BT   Tli£   AKABI&N    U18T0BIAN   KARAGOOZ. 

CMAt.  tn. 

Thb  beautiful  luji^om  of  C«sli- 
more  was,  it  is  very  well 
knowTL  governed  by  the 
mafmincent  EMFUEsa  Ko- 
iiiNUR,  a  sovrreiam  po  re- 
nomiea  for  bcniilT,  virtue, 
and  an  beroic  dispositioD, 
that  all  tbe  kings  of  the 
earth  paid  court  to  her, 
and  her  banner  was  re- 
spected wherever  it  was 
beheld.  She  gave  her  em- 
pire in  cliargc  to  Vizicre 
of  great  fame.  Russooi, 
JiUAUN,  a  stateamaB 
matchless  for  wisdom,  was 
the  President  of  her  Divan, 
and  administered  tlie  iiUC' 
xior  niTaira  of  the  Empire  ; 
vhile  the  forcig^i  relations 
of  Cashmere  were  upheld, 
and  her  encniiea  made  to 
tremble  hy  the  wisdom  and 
valoor  of  the  undaunted 
PuuiEBSTOOM.  By  the 
Cashmerian  laws,  the  hus- 
band of  the  Empress  is 
forbidden  to  take  a  pari  in  political  matters:  that  Prince,  therefore,  passed  his 
lime  in  the  chase,  or  in  the  pursuits  of  literature,  and  exercised  hu  genius  in 
beautifying  the  cilv  of  Lundoon.  It  is  to  him  that  the  Lundoonees  owed  the 
benutiful  tarban  which  Ihey  wore  for  many  ages ;  and  it  was  he  who,  with  tbe  aid 
of  two  penii,  Packistlak  and  Fooi,  raised  up  in  a  single  night  that  extraordimiry 
palace  of  cr>'9tal,  which  brought  all  the  people  of  the  earth  to  visit  Lnndoon,— and 
made  it  the  eighth  wonder  of  the  world. 

'I'he  kingdom  of  Cashmere  was  peaceful  and  happy:  the  ports  were  full  of  ships: 
the  bazaars  were  thronge<l  with  merchants  and  goods;  tne  roods  were  covered 
from  one  end  of  the  empire  to  tlio  other,  with  people  traveUing  in  security;  the 
Cadis  did  their  duty;— m  a  word,  Lundoon  was  the  irreatcst  city.  Casumcre 
ilifl  noblest  empire,  and  Koqikdb  the  happiest  sovereign  in  the  world  but  for  one 
drawback— the  constant  rows  of  the  MolJahs,  who  were  perpetually  quaacUing 
am(mj?  themselves. 

It  IS  known  that  for  a  long  time  tbe  Cashmerians  were  fnliowen  of  Omar,  tbe 
successor  of  the  Prophet;  and  that  the  Chief  Imanm  of  Mecca  had  the  appoint- 
numt  of  the  Cliief  Alollahs  of  Cashmere  during  many  ages.  The  Cashmerian 
Sovereigns,  jealous  of  thf*ir  independence,  had  always  done  their  utmost  against 
that  arrangement  which  mode  their  country  a  sort  of  spiritual  dependency  upon 
the  Holy  City  of  Arabia;  and  the  pretensions  and  quarrels  consequent  upon  this 
assumption,  kept  the  Cashmerians  in  constant  trouble  and  hot  waUir.  Tlie  country 
swarmed  with  Denishcs  from  Mecca ;  Arabian  zealots  came  and  took  possession  of 
the  Cashmerian  Mosques,  and  preached  to  the  people  in  a  language  they  couJd  not 
understand ;  Uie  boldest  of  them  called  upon  the  Sovereigns  of  Cashmere  themselves 
to  pav  homage  to  the  Chief  Imaum  of  Mecca  for  their  thrones:  for  they  said  that 
the  High  Pncst  of  Mecca  was  the  Vicegerent  of  the  Prophet,  that  the  Propliet 
had  friycn  him  power  over  all  thrones  and  kingdoms,  and  woe  Ijetide  those  monarchs 
who  disobeyed  nim.  When  one  of  their  Mollahs,  by  name  Tiiamaz  ul  Buieet,  was 
murdered  by  one  of  the  Kiugs  of  Cashmere,  they  made  him  go  on  his  bare  knees 
to  the  slaughtered  saint's  tomb;  they  declared  that  miracles  were  worked  there: 
that  the  sick  were  cured,  the  wicked  made  sure  of  Paradise,  that  the  statues  round 
the  tomb  wagged  their  heads  and  talked,  thi\t  the  pictures  winked — who  shall  say 
what  other  wonders  were  performed  ?— I  have  read  them  in  the  A  ncient  Historians- 
round  tbe  tomb  of  Thama2  !  Who  shall  believe  the  stories?  Let  htm  do  so  who  u  ill. 
After  some  thousands  of  ycArs,  and  when  not  only  the  ixK^plc  of  Ca.shmrria, 
but  those  of  many  other  couutries,  begun  to  doubt  about  the  sovereignty  which 
the  High  Priest  of  Mecca  claimed,  and  to  declare  that  not  only  Omah,  but  that 
Ali,  but  that  UassaIi  and  Hoosseik,  but  that  other  good  men  could  interpret  the 
Koran  for  themselves ;  and  that  the  claims  of  the  Imaum  of  Mecca  were,  in  a  word,  all 
bosh,  and  tliat  he  was  a  priest  and  a  man.  like  another :  it  ctianced  that  there  niled 
a  king  in  Casbmcrcu  who  was  called  Krac  SiLTMArif  the  Kioiith.  And  he  wished 
to  put  away  an  old  wife  of  whom  he  was  tired,  (ber  name  was  Aragoon),  and  to 
marry  a  beautiful  young  houri  who  was  called  the  Peei  Akabuijine. 

The  Imaom  of  Mecca  would  not  dissolve  the  marriajre  between  Kmo  ScLTVAim 
TUB  Eighth  and  poor  old  Aoagoon,  and  threatened  him  with  curses  if  he  divorced 
her.  But  the  viziers  and  nobles  of  Cashmere,  who  trembler!  before  K  ing  Sult  mauk, 
a  magniiiceiit  prince,  who  made  nothing  of  rutting  their  heads  off,  said  the  king 
might  marry  his  new  wife :  accordingly  he  did  so,  snapping  Ms  fingers  at  the  heard 
of  the  bn&um  of  Mecca,  wno  had  complimented  him  upon  oia  religious  principles  a 
short  time  before,  and  sent  him  a  robo  of  honour,  with  tbe  title  of  Defender  of  the 
Faithful. 

The  king  was  in  such  a  rage  at  the  Im&um's  curses,  that  he  caused  a  proclams- 
tioa  to  bo  mado  all  through  his  empire  that  he,  SuLiMAVN  the  Eiguth,  was  supreme 


in  his  own  dominions.  Vicegerent  of  the  Prophet,  and 
Defender  and  Commander  of  the  Paithful ;  that  the  name 
of  the  Imaum  of  Mecca  should  never  more  be  heard  in 
any  house  or  mosque  in  Cashmere ;  that  any  man  who 
denied  that  he,  SfLTMAOS.  was  the  Chief  of  the  Faith, 
fchould  have  his  head  cut  off,  his  tongue  cut  out,  his  body 
chopped  in  Quarters,  and  bis  goods  confiscated.  And  he 
scixed  upon  all  the  mosmies,  caravanserais,  hospitals,  houses, 
belonging  to  the  old  Meccaites  (who  were  grasping  and 
greedy,  but  vrithal  good  to  the  poor),  and  partitioned  tbem 
amongst  his  lords  and  viziers,  who  made  no  bones  about 
accepting  the  plunder. 

As  for  the  Cashmerians,  it  mattered  little  to  most  of 
them  :  thev  were  as  glad  that  the  King  at  Ijnndoon  should 
be  Btyled  Vicegerent  of  the  Prophet,  as  that  the  Lmaura  of 
Mecca  should  hold  that  title:  they  did  not  like  that  tbcir 
king  (for  they  are  the  vainest  people  ia  the  world)  should 
be  doing  homage  to  an/ other  potentate  in  Mecca,  Medina. 
C/onstantinople^  Abyssinia,  Jencho,  or  any  other  countrr. 
And  they  fell  into  the  new  order  of  things  without  dim- 
colty,  excepting  some  few  rebels  and  obstinate,  who  were 
hanged,  drawn,  and  quartered  accordingly.  For  in  these 
good  old  times,  when  Faith  was  stronger  among  us  than 
it  is  now,  everj  body  cut  everybody  else  a  head  off :  think- 
ing rightlv  that  it  was  belter  to  stop  an  unbeliever's  tongue, 
than  Jet  it  wag  to  the  detriment  ol  religion,  and  the  per- 
version of  simple  persons  from  the  truth. 

Before  ho  died,  Sultmaus  thb  Eighth  cut  off  Asa- 
bulave's  head  too,  and  married  somebod^r  else.  And  his 
son,  and  then  his  daughter,  reigned  after  him  in  Cashmere. 

The  king's  son  was  but  very  young,  and  did  not  reign 
very  long  over  Cashmere.  And  all  the  time  of  his  reign, 
his  sister  Mabiah,  who  was  daughter  of  ponr  old  Queen 
Aragook,  kept  her  mother's  faith  very  stoutly,  ana  gave 
up  her  whole  heart  to  the  Imaum  of  Mrrca.  So  that  when 
the  young  Prince,  whose  subjects  kivcd  him  very  much, 
died,  and  the  Qdbsn  Makiam  succeeded,  everybody  knew 
that  Mecca  was  to  be  in  the  Aaccpdnnt  once  more;  and 
the  Meccaite  priests,  dervishes,  mollah»,  and  tmaums  come 
swarming  back  into  Cashmere  again,  and  the  mosques  were 
handed  over  to  them ;  and  the  late  king's  moUabB  and  ulemas 
began  to  see  that  the  time  for  eating  dirt  had  arrived* 


AN  AFFAIR  OF  FOLLY. 


The  Irish  rorrespoiidenl  of  the  Times  staled,  that,  on 
Saturday  week  Ust,  a  hoslUe  meeting  look  place  in  Phoenix 
Park,  between  the  Marquis  of  St.iGO  and  Ma.  G.  O. 
UiGCiss,  M.P. ;  but  Icnnmsted  without  wilful  murder — 
in  smoke  unattended  with  fire — through  the  intervention 
of  the  police. 

It  is  to  l>e  hoped  this  account  will  be  contradicted  bcrore 
we  publish  the  obscnation,  that  the  Marquis  who  could 
make  a  mark  of  himself  deserves  to  be  a  butt;  and  the 
Commoner  who  could  expose  his  silly  brains  to  perforation 
must  be  the  greatest  goose  at  this  time  grazmg  on  a 
common. 

"  Tlte  rainridenundlDc,"  Mji  oar  aathoritr,  **wi  ta*T«  hurtf,  aroM 
out  of  K  lata  election  of  ex  t\0tcio  yiuuiUuii  la  tut  county  of  Mayo." 

No  misunderstanding  could  possibly  have  taken  place 
between  persons  who  coiUd  have  had  no  inniBBST&KDiKG 
whatever. 


The  Force  of  Habit. 

A  LiTRRART  man,  quite  a  fcrcedy  bibhoniamac.  who  had 
di-voured  bookshelves  as  a  little  school-girl  devours  slice 
after  shce  of  bread  and  butter,  and  whose  successes  in 
literature  are  in  e^tual  proportion  to  his  devouring  appetite 
twe  are  sorry  we  are  not  at  liberty  to  mention  his  name), 
was  so  overpowered  with  jov — so  top<«y.lurvied  with  his 
new  sensations — upon  the  oirth  of  his  fimt  son,  that, 
instead  of  taking  the  fact  to  the  Registrar,  he  went,  as  it 
he  had  been  the  author  of  a  new  book,  and  baa  him 
"Entered  at  SUtioner^'  Hall." 


Beligious  Warmth.  ' 

Ax  advertisement  in  the  Times  announces  a  plan  for  heat-    ' 
ing  churches  by  means  of  hot  water.    Wc  wonder  if  the 
patentee  has  any  tcAtimonial  to  show  from  Mr.  BE2<yKTT.    I 
or  anv  other  of  the  Puseyite  priests  who  have  introducca    I 
iutotnc  Church  more  hot  water  than  has  been  kjccs«tL>dbK». 
for  the  last  hundred  yeata. 


\ 


MALIGKAKT    ATTEMPT    TO    UPSET   A   TRAIN. 


^ 


THE  PAPAL  USURPATION. 

(a  chant.) 

A  Bbadle  and  a  Pariah-Clerk  were  licard  Ifl  mt€rc!iang:e  rcmftrk,  and 
hold  discourse  and  convereation  upon  the  Tapal  usurpatiou  La  a  style 
iLud  lone  that  savoured  of  delight  and  exultation. 

Says  the  Clerk.  "Tliey've  been  and  done  it— well,  for  my  part,  I'ln 
elad  on  it ;  now  their  Puseyism  is  paid  for ;  all  turns  out  just  as  I  said 
for:  all  so  much  the  better,  neighbour;  Church  and  Queen  I*m  not 
afraid  for." 

Sftya  the  Beadle,  "  Theui  *8  my  notions.  I  lM;licve  these  here  com- 
motions and  Papistical  pretences  will  briup  people  to  their  senses,  from 
their  unparochiiu  courses,  sbowiny  wliat  their  recompeus*;  is." 

S&J8  the  Clerk,  "  Folks  lonff  neglected,  now  begins  to  be  respected; 
now  some  reverence  and  attention 's  paid  to  parlies  I  coiUd  mention, 
who  was  snubbM  by  other  porfics  'fore  thia  Papal  hintcrwention." 

Says  the  Beadle,  "That  agffTWision — lor  to  ubc  a  mild  expression — 
lias  created  a  compiinction,  and  restored  apropcr  junction  of  importance 
with  the  notion  of  a  liieh  parochial  function." 

Says  the  Clerk,  '*  Iiucy  looks  devout,  now,  when  I  tlic  psalms  giro 
out;  they  no  longer  titter  when  1  prououncc  llic  word  'Hay-men,' 
and  at  laat  things  has  bcgiin  to  be  us  they  u.scd  to  was  agnin." 

Says  the  Beadle,  "  At  my  staff,  whereas  the  boys  began  to  laugh,  and 
each  rDmcd  paaper-rarlct  my  uniform  would  sneer  and  snarl  at;  1 
feeU  thai  now  adjuiriu'  eves  reicards  my  pold,  and  blue,  and  scarlet." 

Says  both  together,  "They  reveres  clinrch wardens,  too,  and  over- 
seers, likewise,  as  well  as  me  and  you — honour  to  whom  the  same  is 
due,  and  let  each  puishioncr  keep  to  his  own  pcw;  and  these  is  the 
8cntimi-nt».  and  highly  proper,  too ;  wherewith,  as  Britons,  the  great 
majority  of  the  public  view,  mixed  with  a  sense  of  indi^^tion,  the 
Kouum  routifTs  usurpation.    Yes,  the  Pope's  tale  usurpalion  1 " 


HORE  lEAL  WITHOUT  DISCRETION*. 


We  have  btely  heard  of  a  Protestant  with  rather  more  smcerity 
than  judgment,  who  has  just  discharged  au  old  and  faithful  servant 
because  the  poor  fellow  liappcus  to  have  a  llomnn  nose  * 


HOW  TO  AVOID  BECOMING  A  GREAT  CRIMFNAU 

We  recommend  Locis-NAroL.EON  to  write  over  every  door,  nnd  on 
the  walls  o(  every  room  of  the  Eigtee,  the  following  words : — 

"  I  ojxfliuRii  Ai  GuAT  CitnnKAU  TuofR  wno,  BT  rcuowAL  &1CDIT1DV,  moou* 
coKraoMisx  thv  skall   isuxnrr  or  STAntutT  oca^attskd  v%    ot  tub  Cov- 

■nTCTIOJt." 

They  may  operate  as  a  moral  cheekstrtng,  in  the  event  of  his  attempt^ 
ing  to  drive  the  "Char  rfc  PJSiat"  too  fast,  and  Lods-NAPOLEOK 
cannot  possibly  ohjert  to  the  t^inn  "  Great  Crimin.vi^,*'  for  they  are 
his  own  words,  taken  from  his  own  Message  delivered  at  the  opeoiug  of 
the  Chamber,  only  last  week. 


Awful  Beduction  and  Alarming  Sacrifice. 

The  prospects  of  the  Krpeal  Association  arc  getting  weaker  and 
weaker  even,'  week ;  and,  indeed,  the  funds  have  reached  such  a  low 
pilch,  that  it  is  a  toss-up  of  a  luilfpenny  whether  a  prn'i^'  "-'H  l"» 
received.    At  one  of  the  recent  niaelings,  the  subscriptioi: 
so  miserablv  mininiised,  that  Ma.  John  O'Con^ell,  wh'  <■> 

ounoiiuce  tuo  collection,  found  lumself  (|uite  uuablo  to  collect  G\eu 
himself,  imd  finished  by  dcchuing  that  "on  this  mclanchoiyOGOftsionhii 
heart  was — rent,"  

THE  PArACY  out  or  :ts  elehemt. 

Xp.iu:es,  it  is  recorded,  pretended  to  pnt  the  sea  in  fetters,  and 
found  out  his  mistake.  Pros  tue  Nixia,  who  has  made  a  similar 
attempt  on  the  liberty  of  the  English  Sees,  will  probably  be  m  oom* 
plclcly  undeceived, 

A  Short  Beview  of  a  Kew  Publication. 

Tk^  hrpiwdfM  State  of  Etigland.—Vfc  hnvc  rcoH  this  Toltmie  of 
fooUcap.  and  its  positions  are,  no  doubt,  very  strong  for  tlicre  is  great 
difficulty  in  ffcttin?  tlirouffh  tncm.  We  pronounce  tnc  book  altogolhor 
one  of  which  neither  head  nor  talc  can  be  made. 

AHothfT  Critir Urn. —The  "Defenceless  State  of  Eughind*'  majT  bo 
compared  to  bomc  ver>'  small  beer  witli  a  Ileivd  to  it ;  and  wc  all  kzwV 
that  on  such  occasions  the  head  ia  nothing  but  froth. 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


233 


T-- 


i- 


tpOD 
JlTT 


/, 


y 


i 

W 


COARSE,    BUT    OHARACTEHISTIC. 

Cabman  (wAok  temper  h4u  been  ruJUd  hy  Otnmibtu  man).  **  You ! !  Wbt, 

>D    HOMaKT    LOOKIRU    WAQaBOK,    TOU    LOOK    AS   IV    TOU'd   BIN   LOCK'o    Vr 

A  Homra  ix  a  Cook's  nor  with  a  muzzlb  or." 


ME.  PUNCH'S  APPEAL  TO  AN  EMINENT 
APPEALER. 

Thougu  I  am  by  protession  a  vagrant  and  jester,  cracking  my  jokes 
__  street  corners,  betting  up  my  booth  at  tairs  uud  taverns,  and  before 
hoiue- window*,  wlicucc  cliildrcn  and  women  are  looking  out,  your 
Most  ]levereud  Kminencc  muHl  understand  that  I  am  a  man  and 
citizen,  a  tax  and  ratc-pavcr,  and  father  of  a  family  anxJous  to  lead  a 
decent  life,  to  leave  a  tolerably  honest  naiuc  to  my  children,  and  to 
keep  for  them  and  myself  the  prix-ileges  of  free  action  and  opinion,  which 
the  KngUsh  Constitution  awards  to  me  and  all  other  oeople.  An 
BugU&hmaUj  be  he  by  trade  a  biahop  or  a  buifoon,  has  this  right  of 
freedom  ana  fair -fellowship.  U 1  were  to  die,  my  cbUdrcn  would  claim 
and  have  for  mv  body  the  privilege  of  becoming  sepulture  ;  1  should 
not  be  thrust  into  ground  uuconscc rated,  like  poiir  MoLitKZ,  for 
instance,  whom  your  Kmineuce's  predecessors  would  have  buried  like 
carrion.  I  am  Puttck,  but  1  am  Civis  Britannicus,  and,  as  such,  feel  and 
think  as  eameallr  upon  some  subjects  as  the  grftvcAt  big-wig  amon^f  the 
subjects  of  oar  C.ksar.  1  think  there  uever  was  an  empire  so  glorious, 
and  hold  to  mr  rights  and  my  title  as  strenuously  as  any  Peer  oi  Parlia- 
ment, Lord  Mayor,  or  Ma^irate  can  do. 

Hence,  if  there  ()e  a  national  question — if  there  were  a  foreign  inva- 
sion, for  example — I  must  take  my  !.ide.  and  shoulder  my  musket  as  well 
as  another.  L  tliitiic  yours  is  a  foreign  invasion,  and  must  do  my  best 
to  repel  it ;  and  tind  myself  compellod  to  adopt  a  line  of  conduct  rather 
(tifferent  to  my  usimI  waggery,  m  ihe  presence  of  .5uch  an  enemy,  as 
reason  or  prejudice  leads  me  to  consider  you  to  be.    You  come  hiilier, 

Snoring  tue  religion  of  ray  country,  as  much  as  if  I  were  a  savage  or  a 
otteniot;  you  arrive,  bringing  with  you  the  kevs  of  Heaven  in  your 
pocket.  I  aeny  your  pretences  utterly,  and  with  my  whole  heart-  I 
■com  your  daim'to  infallibility.  I  no  more  care  for  your  PonLilex 
Maximus,  than  for  the  High  Priest  of  Jupiter,  who  preceded  him  ■  and, 
in  my  quality  of  Protestant,  protejit  against  you,  and  every  bishop, 
prjest,  and  deacon  under  your  orders ;  declaring  my  Iwlief  that  honest 
people  con  get  to  Heaven  without  you,  and  in  spite  of  you.  and  entirely 
repudiating  your  clerical  scheme     Any  body  who  thinks  that  he  cannot 

in,  is  welcome.    There's  no 

hum  a  (juv  or  two ;  and  they 

in  -iif,n..   Ijui  you  know  that 

j  and  you  compU- 

ur  trial, 

.;.ci  tfoni  one  end  of  the 

"I     i  und  dear  Sir,  express  a 

It  IS  because  we  feel  oursekes 


be  secure  without  calling  y«ur 
question  of  persecution.     Our 
bad  best  K*ave  that  symbolical  :   , . 
if  you  wtTc  hustled,  Policeman  \.  u. 
ment  llic  Lord  Chief  Justice,  who  ^^ 

Ouly,  if  you  hear  a  shout  of  deli:i:i  > 
isountry  to  the  other,  do  not,  most  - 
idcr  at  iHjaring  it.    U  wo  cry  out 


iured,  depend  on  that.   Suppose  you  were  the  Cadi  of  Constantinople, 


let  u»  say,  and  bclicvios  no  more  in  CalKo!ici-:m  than  m  ProtrstatitiiTn, 

bvit  having  a  k  ]  *he  points  .  ' 

twocliurclies,  :  hing  in  thi 

sions  (if  the  Ciui"i,'-  '  '..;>t,,  ■\),'ii, 

possibility  of  free  tii«ii  m  i  i     ■ 

murder  of  tbe  Hugorii  i^,  .^u  .  .i  iv  1 1         . 

\V(u  tlcrc  never  a  stake  in  SmithGcid  ?    i)< 

knowlcdcie  now  wherever  you  go,  or  rofiiiie  i 

such  that  docs  not  bear  your  superviaional  ^Ljunp.- 

because  we  bchcve  tou  to  be  tyrants :  wc  scout  your  ; 

ihc-^.      -.'       :-      r    '-'    ^'•'-      '    ' L   -.    .-. 

It  1 

thcc-      ,....  ... 

us  as  the  otiictr  ot 
azul  l>cnighted  in  Eur 
would,  fiut  for  superujf  fu.  > 
set  his  standard  up  here,  iv 

your  worship,  because  we  ijcutw^t,  ,i  ..,...,  ,.^.^. 

debasing  superstition;  because  it  wti  >  corrup- 

tions: nature  and  reason  revolted  agait  t  imA  over- 

threw it.  And.  as  rou  make  your  soleuui  re-eutr>  iut*j  Lugland,  with 
no  small  parade  ana  ceremony  of  jubilation,  the  people  welcomes  you, 
and  tellfl  you  how  it  regi^ds  you. 

You  arc  here,  as  elsewhere,  as  everywhere,  to  make  converts,  and  to 
accept  martyrdom— and  alwnt  tlrnt  dreadful  oath  that  you  swore— ^ea, 
about  that  oal  h.  Did  vou,  or  did  you  not,  (when  inveBted  with  the  paUlum. 
woven  bv  consccr&tcd  virgins  from  the  wool  of  segregated  muttons),  and 
on  your  knees  l>rforc  the  Commander  of  the  Faithful,  did  you,  or  did  you 
not,  plodce  vourself  to  per»eonte  and  expuenatc,  as  tar  a*  you  couhi,  all 
Heretics  ?  If  you  had  Uie  power,  and  could  silence  Mr,  JPnnch,  wouldn't 
you  ?  Do  you  allow  a  free  press  at  Rome  ?  Are  fair  Questions  of 
politics  or  religion  fairly  discussed  there  I*  Is  there  a  Hotv  Office 
existent  or  not  ?  Is  the  Diario  dt  Itomn  as  large  and  well-«onailiet«d  a 
journal  as  the  7\mex  ncvrspapcr  t  Will  all  the  Catholic  ne^«  5P»i>rrft  of 
the  Legations  and  Naples  puolish  the  lell*re  of  our  Ari '  our 

ProtestAnt  Journals  publish  youi^P— Pooh  I— Psha!—-  mim- 

has  an  eminent  sense  of  humour,  and  you  know  that  tiir  (.ues'ion  ii 
absurd— tliat  your  people  arc,  and  must  be,  tvrantfl  and  persecutors — 
that  yuu  dare  not  face  the  light  of  day — that,  uaving  ooMCssion  of  the 
truth  uhsolut'C,  discussion  is  out  of  tbe  question.  You  utay  invoke 
"  that  love  of  honest  dealing  and  fair  play,  which,  in  joke  or  in  earnest 
is  the  gift  of  on  Englishman ; "  but  you  don't  give  honest  dealing  and 
fair  play  in  return.  You  can't.  Y^ou  can't  allow  a  man  to  think  for 
himself.  Our  right  and  starting  point — our  safeguard— the  right  to 
;  which  you  appeal— the  safeguard  under  which  vou  put  yourself— is 
I  Free  Opinion.  Your  starting  point  is  Authority.  As  tbe  august  Aldkr- 
MiK  Laweekce  says,  in  the  CommoB-CouneU.  your  church    has  always 

assumed  to  itself  the  same  lino  of  conduct,  and  that  is  d nation.*' 

The  word  is  the  venerable  Alderman's — and  rather  a  grave  one  to  be 
introduced  into  a  Journal  whereof  tlic  tendency  is  ordinarily  jocular. 

Put  when  vour  most  reverend  coadjutor,  John  or  Tlam,  raIIs  our 
colleges  Godless,  he  says  pretty  much  the  same  tliini  ns  .^LUKHMAir 
Lawu£N'CE  :  when  your  shepherds,  writing  Pastorals,  adopt  such  a  word 
as  that,  and  deny  to  us  English  and  Irish,  with  love  in  our  hearts,  with 
fi  desire  of  fraternity  and  benefitting  our  people  by  the  gift  of  truth  and 
knowledge  to  all;  when  your  Bisuops  and  Doctors  call  our  scheme 
Intidel,  and  deny  ui  Heaven;  when  poor  Doltou  Kewmak,  on  the 
appointment  of  your  Eminence  and  tiroce,  and  their  Lord5hi|)s  your 
twelve  snfogans  gets  up  in  chair,  and  states  that  the  imive  b  opened, 
and  that  its  awful  tcnaut  has  arisen — indicating  by  that  dreadful  xtqm^ 
that  we,  the  people  of  Enghuid  for  the  last  turee  centuries— that  hu 
fathers  and  mine — tltat  his  mother  and  mine — have  been  living  and 
dyingwithout  Faith  and  Hope,  and  are  participators  in  that  unsDeakable 
crime  and  penalty ;  are  we  to  feci  nothuig  'r* — to  have  no  scorn  For  yotir 
arrogance,  no  hatred  for  your  intolerance,  which  bars  the  progress  ot 
,  Trutb,  Love,  Knowledge,  and  K<(uality— to  make  no  protcit  agam&t  tbe 
decree  by  which  you  absolutely  withdraw  the  protection  of  Heaven  from 
us.  and  consign  the  souls  of  our  race  and  people,  of  our  dearest  and  best 
beloved,  to  hopclcjw  perdition  ?  You  do  all  this— you  have  the  Truth 
absolute,  and  can't  do  otherftise— and  then  you  wonder  at  the  auger  of 
Englishmen,  and  tliat  what  you  call  a  doath-whoop  is  raised  about 
your  ears. 

How  can  you  suppose,  olTicial  Expugnator  and  Persecutor  of  Heretics 
as  you  arc,  that  you  arc  to  be  free  to  persecute  and  f  \i)iiLMi:itf,  and  that 
wc  are  not  to  protest,  and  to  defy  you  'i    Your  CL  s  pastoral 

letter,  pwoelling  out  our  country  under  the  ccclc^i  rvision  of 

you   thirteen  gentlemen,  and   taking  no  more  count  'jI  r 
already  existing  here,  than  if  Wcatmiuster  were  Melinotai  > 
see  to  our  great  regret  your  Grace  lias  vacated.     You  nave  i,.^    .....m 
absolute ;  tbere  is  but  one  Church  ;  of  coun»c.  you  caii  do  uf^  otherwise. 
We  propose  a  scheme  of  Educ:Ltion ;  your   Lli.^hop3  interfere  with  the 
imperial  plan,  denounce  us  as  Ciodles*  luid  Tnlidet;  of  course,  you  can 
do  no  otherwise.     You  want  to  win  ihi^  country  Usck  to  the  oUl  faith 
by  cxpugnatiun,  by  pereuasion— bv  what  means  you  can.  in  a  word :  o(  I 
courtic :  it  is  your  calling-,  your  duty    your  business  ot  life-    Sw.^^f»fc\ 


VOU  XIX. 


tk 


224 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVAKL 


'  you  bad  possession  of  oar  schools :  command  over  our  press :  rule  over, 

'  oar  country.    Yoa  most  go  to  work  as  you  do  eUewnere :  you  must 

-  doctor  the  truth  for  us :  you  must  shut  up  our  books ;  and  establish  an 

'  Index  Expurgatorins :  of  course,  bow  comd  it  be  otherwise  ? 

\      And  you  wonder  that   we  hate  tou  ?    I  do  not  mean  to  say  that  I 

I  personally,  writing  in  the  name  ana  behoof  of  Mr.  Punchy  hate  you, 

i  Nicholas  Wiseman — a  gentleman  of  the  highest  charact«r,  possessing 

!  the  most  consummate  talents,  learning,  eloquence,  adroitness— but  that 

I  I  ha*c  that  cause  which  you  represent,  and  which  is  directly  liostile  to 

my  own.   I  no  more  hate  you  tlianthe  ^ntlemen  of  the  Guard  hated  the 

French  Regiment  at  Fontenoy.    But  ISiciiol\s  the  man  and  Nicholas 

in  uniform — Nicholas  in  a  large  red   hat  and  purple  stockings — ' 

Nicholas  in  the  consecrated  pallium  matle  by  the  consecrated  virgins' 

out  of  the  segregated  muttons— Nicuol.vs  who  comes  into  Fleet  Street, " 

and  says, "  1  am  the  Ambassador  and  Plcnipotcnliar\' of  the  Infallibh; 

Expositor  of  the  Truth— I  have  the  keys  of  Heaven  and  the  other  place ; 

come  home  with  me,  my  boy,  and  1  will  show  you  a  beautifVd  winking 

Virgin,  that  will  convert  you  in  the  twinklinj?  of  an  eye — or  a  holy 

coat — or  the  bones  of  the  eleven  thousand  vii^ins  of   Coloine — or 

what  you  will:"— to  such  a  Nicholas  I  say  "Bosh!"    and  simp 

my  fingers.     Do  you   imagine   I  core  about  your  red  stockings  r, 

Do  you  fancy  1  believe  in  your  ^viuking  Virgin?    Do  you   supiwse 

1  think  that  you,  or  your  chief,  or  all  the  Parsons  in  Christcndoin, " 

or  aU  the  Rabbis  m  JewTy,  or  all  the  Muftis  vxpartibtm  ififdelinm^  can 

order  my  soul  one  way  or  other,  or  (except  by  the  influence,  ujwn  uie 

exerted,  of  good  counsel  and  good  example)  change  the  intention  of  the 

Divine  Mercy  towards  me  ?  _N'o — in  the  sacred  name  of  Truth ;  no — I 

worship  no  man;  I  recognise  no  Divine  Parson,  be  he  Roman  or 

Pnseyite.    A^inst  these  my  ancestors  protested  three  hundred  years 

affo— to  fight  against  these  and  their  pretensions  the  sense  of  outraged 

£Siropc  rcwe — under  their  shot  and  daggers,  in  their  Bres  and  scaffolds, 

<  the  believers  in  Freedom  of  Thought  died  all  over  the  world.  Mind, 
j  we  do  not  deny  you  on  your  side  the  constancy  of  your  martiTS.  and  the 
}  admirable  courage  of  your  opinion — but  now,  as  then,  we  and  you  are 
I  enemies.  The  consequence  of  our  system  is  toleration :  itiulmits  you  to 
[  rights  which  you  can  t  give  us,  and  secures  to  you  a  freedom  of  which 

<  we  never  would  desire  to  rob  you.  You  make  your  claim  of  infiillibitity 
:  — we  laugh  at  and  scorn  it.    You  rely  on  your  antique  pedi^rrec  anil 

ceremonies — we  call  your  ceremonies  mummeries— yes,  niimimeries— 

I  why  not  ?    What  is  the  cause  of  this  "  feeling  too  sickly  and  too 

I  deadening  for  indignation  ?  "    Of  course  we  thought  them  mummeries 

I  that  was  why  we  got  rid  of  them.    Whether  is  it  worse,  to  call  your 

;  Eminence's  red  stockings  or  the  lighted  caudles  of  those  poor  Pimlico 

folks  mummeries,  or  to  tell  us  who  wish  to  teach  the  spelUng-book  that 

we  are  Godless  and  Infidel  P  one  or  the  other  of  the  statements  is  true, 

must  be  true ;  and  each  side  has  been  making  it  for  three  hundred  years. 

By  the  by,  who  succeeds  to  the  vacant  see  of  Melipotamns  ?  if  some 

of  our  Bishops  would  go  and  stay,  they  might  be  very  welcome.    And 

about  Westminster?  What  was  the  difficulty  which  prevented  your 

Grace  from  goinir  amongst  the  benighted  Irish  in  the  shmis  of  that 

ancient  city  r    Would  they  not  listen  to  Melipotamus,  and  are  they 

mora  likely  to  be  converted  by  Westminster  ?   That  vou  may  be  the 

Almoner  of  the  Almoniy,  and  your  teaching  be  productive  of  much 

C there,  every  member  of  the  Establishment  must  wish,  from  the 
to  the  Beadle  who  took  your  Lordship's  twopence  at  the  Shrine 
of  good  Saint  lilDWAED. 

And  my  obstinate  sneering  habit  is  sucli,  and  my  antispiritualism  so 
inveterate,  that  I  believe  in  the  Beadle,  the  Cardinal,  and  good  Saikt 
Edw.v&d  pretty  much  alike ;  and  respect  the  first-named  dignitar}'*s 
laced-coat  neither  more  nor  less  than  your  Eminence's  pallium. 


A  SCENE  IN  WESTMINSTER  HALL. 

Oke  day,  during  the  term  that  is  just  over,  a  jejune  iunior  rushed  into 
the  Exchequer  with  a  »(6//o//^/^f,  or  little  motion,  andnapiwned  to  enter 
just  as  their  Lordships,  in  Banco,  were  looking  into  a  case  that  had  just 
been  cited  by  a  Queun's Counsel,  who  hadl)cen  in  the  act  ofaddressinc 
them.  The  junior,  unconscious  of  the  state  of  the  case,  fancied  he  bad 
found  just  the  favourable  opportunity  to  get  a  hearing,  and  creeping  into 
a  back  row,  clTected  a  tiemeudous  clearance  of  his  throat,  with  a  view 
to  a  sustained  efl'ort  of  eloquence.  He  had  commenced,  and  ffot  as  far 
as  "  If  your  Lordships  please,"  when  the  four  Baromi  looked  up  with 
the  air  of  very  discontented  Barons ;  and  the  jimior,  having  got  the  eyes 
of  the  Court,  beUcviug  he  hatl  aUo  its  ear,  proccedt-d  as  follows  :— 

"  I  rkc,  my  Lords,  for  the  purpose "    Here  be  was  interrupted  bv 

exclamation  of ''We  can't  hear  you.  Sir,"  from  one  of  their  Lord- 
ships, an  intimation  that  only  caused  the  determined  "utter"  to  grow 
bolder  luid  more  distinct  in  his  utterance.  He  bezan  again.  "  I  rise, 
my  I.iorils,'*  and  was  once  more  cut  short  with  "  Wc  can't  hear  you. 
Sir,"  from  the  Bench;  which  urged  him  to  a  stentorian  effort  S 
startling  vehemence ;  but  "  We  can't  hear  you  now.  Sir,"  was  all 
he  could  elicit  from  the  Bench,  and  he  immediately  left  the  court, 
remarking  that  '*  he  knew  Justice  was  blind,  but  that  its  deafness  was 
something  he  was  not  prepared  to  combat  with." 


ouE  truaot:  ambassadoes. 

ATELY  the  severest 
comment  on  the 
folly  of  expen- 
sive Embassies  at 
foreign  Courts 
has  been  passed 
by  a  few  of  the 
Ambassadors 
themselves;  who, 
by  tbeir  ab:^ence 
from  the  scenes 
of  recent  events 
of  importance 
abroad,  liave  vir- 
tually confessed 
that  they  are 
•'better  away" 
when  anytliing  of 
unusual  interest 
is  happening.  AVe 
of  course  would 
not  think  of  ac- 
cusing these  high 
and  distinguished 
persons — these 
members  of  the 
great  families" 
—of  voluntarily 
shirking       their 

duty  if  they  thought  that  their  diplomatic  scnices  could  be  of  any  serricc 
whatever,  and  we  can  therefore  only  conclude  they  felt  that  they  should 
"do  more  harm  than  good"  in  their  diplomatic  capacities— or  mca- 
pacities,  as  the  case  may  be— had  they  remained  at  their  posts  during 
Etc  events  of  interest.  The  Earl  qv  Wzstjcoru-and,  we  are  ™d  bv 
the  Tintfx^  has  been  in  London,  as  the  best  means  of  promoting  British 
interests  at  Berlin ;  while  Lord  Ponsonby— says  the  same  authority— 
our  Ambassador  of  Vienna,  has  been  sen-ing  his  country  by  absence 
from  the  scene  of  his  duties.  «... 

Our  Charffe  d*Jff(nre$  at  Bad-en— the  idea  is  a  good  'un— has  been 
staying  at  Waples,  and  there  have  been  other  instances  of  our  diplo- 
matists acting  on  tlie  straightforward,  but  startling  principle,  that, 
though  paid  very  highly  to  represent  England  at  a  Foreign  Court|  they 
are  much  better  "omitted  in  the  reoresentation "  when  anything  of 

dicular  urgency  or  of  unusually  vital  interest  is  happening.  If  it  u 
id  that  ateence  enhances  the  value  of  Ambassadors,  how  mndi 
more  economical  it  would  be  to  keep  them  always  away  from  theu; 
posts— an  arrangement  which  would  have  the  double  advantage  of 
being  much  cheaper  as  well  as  more  satisfactory.  The  hint  is  ooe 
whicii  we  have  no  doubt  Miu  Cobden  and  other  flnancud  reformera 
will  be  able  to  improve  upon.  It  would  be  a  curious  calculation  could 
the  question  be  solved— if  peace  should  be  preserved  in  the  absence  of 
the  diplomatists  from  their  posts,  what  would  have  been  the  conae- 
queuce  had  they  remained  at  their  cml)assies  ? 


Tesiimoiual  to  the  Duke  of  Atholl. 

A  iiEETiN'G  has  been  got  up  at  Dunkeld  for  the  purpose  of  sympft- 
thisiuflc  with  the  bcirrinied  and  bespattered  Dcke  or  Atholl^  unnistly 
dirtied  with  printer's  ink.  The  prc>iding  operator  was  one  John- 
Leslie,  Esq.,  from  the  congenial  place  (jf  Butterston.  Many  apcechcs 
were  uiadej  and  much  of  the  ink  attempted  to  be  licked  off;  but, 
somehow,  his  Grace  is  as  black  as  ever— the  ink  will  stick.  It  was. 
however,  finallv  resolved  to  present  the  Duke  with  a  tangible  testimo- 
null  at  once  illustrative  of  the  ducal  virtues  and  of  their  admirers. 
The  necessary  sort  of  testimonial  became  a  matter  of  intense  consi- 
deration; when  it  was  finally  settled,  amid  acclamations,  to  present 
his  Grace  (for  next  autumn  wear)  with  a  faithful  copy  of  the  \ictona 
stage  costume  of  the  irarlwi-  of  the  Glfn.  Xathah,  the  theatncal 
tailor,  started  by  a  special  train  to  take  the  Duke's  measnre. 


Beflections  in  a  Or^rstaL 

"What  can  be  the  object  of  that  Crystal  Curtain?"  said  one  Gent,  to 
another,  as  they  were  running,  squirrel-fashion,  round  and  round  the 
narrow  cairc  of  the  Promenade  Concerts.  "The  object  of  that  CrystiJ 
Curtain?'"*  exclaimed  his  brilliant  companion.  "Whj\  it's  put  Inere 
to  remind  us  of  the  'end'  of  the  stage,  which  you  know  is  'tohohi 
the  mirror  up  to  Nature ! ' " 


"  All  u  Vanity,' 
into  the  Police  Van. 


the  Swell  Mobsman  said  when  he  was  handed 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


225 


HOW  TO  MAKE  A  SERVANT. 

Tus  manufacture  of  a  seijeaut  is  one  of  thoie  mysteries  of  the  law 
which  are  not  usually  open  to  the  vulgar  eye ;  and  the  common  im- 
pression has  been,  that  toe  paying  down  of  lome  thousand  pounds  for 
the  coif— in  "Cash  down^  tSir,  mo"— as  the  advertisinjr  crockery- 
cart  used  to  say,  is  all  that  is  required.  We  have  heard  various  other  | 
ceremonies  spoken  of  as  necessary  to  the  constitution  of  a  serjeaut ; ' 
and  among  others  we  have  been  giren  to  understand,  that  a  Judge  of  | 
the  Common  Fleas  putting  up  liis  eyo-glus  knowinjc^ly  to  his  eye,  and ' 
fixing  it  on  the  coulee  in  embryo -cicwims  with  a  jaunty  air,  1  spy; 
a  brother."  This  judicial  game  at  "  Eye !  spy ! !  I ! ! !  pivcs  a  sort  of, 
pleasing  jocuUrity  to  the  process,  which  contrasts  rather  powerfully , 
with  the  serious  buainea  of  pulling  out  one  thousand  pounds— w  cash  ! 
—as  the  price  df  the  dignitr. 

\S  i  have  ascortaiueu,  however,  that  althoufrh  money  makes  the 
man,  it  is  not  money  idoae  makes  the  serjeaut  •  for  he  is  called  upon 
tj  exhibit  his  learning  in  a  st^c  somewhat  sitnilar  to  that  of  the  keen 
eneouuter  of  their  wits,  between  tlie  law  student  and  the  butler,  when 
the  former — over  his  be«r— takes  tlie  dcprrec  of  utter  barrister. 

Every  one  knows  that  n  call  to  the  Bar— at  all  eventa  at  Gray's  Inn 
— is  effected  by  the  candidate  for  the  forensic  to?a  imbibing  a  small 
quantity  of  the  very  smallest  of  swipes,  and  declaring,  at  the  same  time, 
tliat  he  "  appears  for  the  widow,  and  claims  her  dower,"  while  the 
butler,  taking  the  mug  and  the  pleadings  out  of  the  student's  hand, 
announces  lumself  as  appearing  for  the  heir,  and  the  two  learned 
j  litigants  at  once  proceed  to  the  libranr. 

'  Tlie  ceremony  of  making  Mk.  Barox  Mautin  a  seijeaut,  upon 
making  him — to  the  great  satisfaction  of  cvenbody — a  judge,  was  con- 
ducted much  in  the  following  fashion :— JLk.  J3ation  Mautin,  reading 
from  an  old  bit  of  parcltment,  insisted  rather  calmly  tliat  John  Smith 
claimed  the  lands,  of  which  Joun  Doe  stood  seised,  and  that  JoffK 
Smith,  being  determined  not  to  stund  such  a  seisure,  claimed  the  said 
lands,  or  words  to  that  effect.  Upon  this  a  shriek  was  heard  from  the 
usher,  who,  starting  up  in  his  box,  exclaimed  with  unusual  briskness, 
"  I  imparl,  — when  some  one  else  in  the  background  jjrowled  out  an 
intimation  that  he  "represented  the  widow:"  upon  which  Mb.  Baron 
Martin,  apnearing  to  ^ive  up  tlie  case  as  liopeless  with  sucli  antago- 
nists arraj'ca  against  him,  retired  from  the  bar,  as  if  in  disgust  and 
despair  of  making  any  stand  in  the  face  of  such  powerful  competition. 
!  Happily,  Ms  retirement  from  the  ranks  of  counsel  was  speedily  followed 
'  by  his  appearance  as  a  Judge  on  the  bench,  to  which  the  profession  and 
i  tncpubuc  have  unaniniously  welcomed  him. 

i  We  all  know  tliat  the  last  feather  will  occasion  a  smash  to  the  back 
',  bone  of  the  camel;  and  wc  must,  wc  sumiose,  imagine  that  it  was 
\  something  of  this  sort  which  forced  Mr.  Martin  to  yield  under  the 
;  responsibility  of  liis  last  brief,  (with  the  usher  "imparling"  en  one 
;  side,  and  a  mysterious  growler  behind  the  back  rows  "  representing 
1  the  widow,")  rather  than  "  fight  it  out "  under  sucli  fearful  odds.  The 
learned  counsel  abandons  John  Smith,— leaves  him  at  the  mercy  of 
.  3)oE, — ^to  brave  the  terrors  of  an  "imparlance,"  and  make  the  nest 
;  arrangement  he  canto  pacify  "the  widow."  Happy  are  we  that 
■  Mb.  Baron  Martin  has  found  in  the  bench  a  refuge  from  such  endless 
i  sources  of  litigation,  the  widow  alone  being  quite  enough  to  drive  any 
peaceably  disposed  counsel  to  distraction. 


THE  BULL  EIGHT  OF  LONDON. 

The  Guys  are  going  through  the  streets,  the  chalk  is  on  the  wai.s ; 
Besides  the  usual  twopence  there 's  a  charge  in  grave  St.  Paul's ; 
And  surely  any  extra  charge  the  fight  will  well  repay, 
For  the  London  matador 's  to  fight  the  lioman  Bull  to-day. 

A  lusty  blade's  our  matador,  with  a  deft  and  ready  hand, 
Bight  quick  to  turn,  and  fucc  about,  and  sharp  to  shift  his  stand ; 
Two-edged  and  keen's  the  sword  he  wields,  ana  though  to  dodge  inclined, 
There  \  none  knows  better  where  to  stick,  when  he  makes  up  hi^  mind. 

The  l)ells  ring  out,  the  clerks  they  shout,  as  to  his  place  he  goes ; 
Firm  and  well-rounded  shows  his  calf  tmder  the  piurple  liosc ; 
His  apron  is  tucked  up  for  work,  his  eye  is  clear  and  keen. 
And  his  roimd  bald  head  it  shineth  like  poli^icd  marble  clean. 

Bring  forth  the  Bull !    The  Bull  is  brought,  within  the  gazing  ranks,— 
TJpon  his  head  the  triple  crown,  the  rcd-liat  on  his  flanks ; 
The  leaden  seal  tied  to  his  t-ail,  wide>sprcading  arc  his  horns — 
The  obvious  joke  about  his  hoofs  the  courteous  minstrel  scorns. 

He  beaft  him  bold  and  burly,  but  the  knowing  ones  espy 

A  something  groggy  in  his  legs,  and  glassy  in  his  eye ; 

And  though  he  chafes  and  paws  the  ground,  and  bellows  loud  and  hmg. 

He 's  not  the  Bull  that  once  he  was,  the  llomau  hills  among. 

He  hath  flung  his  broad  brows  to  the  ground,  the  matador  to  catch 
On  the  horns  of  a  dilemmn,  but  1  ween  he  *s  met  his  match  : 
All  VHui  the  rush,  the  sidelong  push— for  one  turn  he  can  lake. 
The  nimble  son  of  Ijondon  two  turns,  at  least,  doth  make. 

Panting  at  length,  and  shorn  of  strength,  the  baffled  Bull  is  standinr, 
And  turns  an  eye  that  obvicmsly  the  reason  is  diMuanding, 
"Why  this  matador  of  London  hath  la'cn  to  welt  and  whack 
The  bull  that  a  few  years  since  he  patted  on  the  back  *r 

To  query  mute  the  bothered  brute  of  course  gets  no  reply ; 
Forth  he  hath  broke,  a  final  stroke  determined  to  let  Ily; 
But  on  his  heel  in  one  short  wheel  the  matador 's  at  lur-'c. 
And  the  Bull  goes  down,  upon  his  crown,  before  the  fatal  charge ! 


COURT  CmCULAK. 
{^»eh  as  PuKyUm  mould,  perkapt,  like  to  read  U.) 

Yestebdat  morning,  the  Queev  and  Paikce  Alhert  took  their 
accustomed  walk  on  the  slopes— with  peas  in  their  shoes. 

His  Koyal  Highness  Prince  Albert,  attended  bv  the  Kevesevd 
Messrs.  Hoakes  and  Bam,  walked  out  reading,  llie  volume  used 
by  his  HoYAL  Hi&iiness  was  a  highly  illuminated  legend  relative  to 
St.  SwiTHiN.  The  Prince  returned  to  no  lunch  at  two  o'clock,  it 
being  Friday. 

Lord  John  Russell  left  Town  for  Canterbury  by  an  early  train, 
and,  immediately  on  his  arrival,  repaired  to  the  restored  shrine  ot 
St.  Thomas  A  Beckett,  to  partake  of  the  discipline  of  the  rod.  Having 
received  a  sound  whipping,  liis  Lordship  returned  to  Town  in  the 
evening,  and  had  an  interview  with  his  medical  man. 

Mr.  Punch  did  public  penance  in  front  of  his  office,  in  the  presence 
of  a  great  crowd  of  spectators. 


three  to  one. 

The  "  Ladiei  Companion  "  has  a  series  of  articles  called  "  The  Three 
A^  of  Woman."  We  cannot  help  thinking  that  our  graceful,  enter- 
taming  contemporary  baa  fallen  into  a  strange  nngallant  error,  for  it  is 
too  bad  to  give  poor  Woman  "  ikree  ages,"  when  it  is  as  much  as  the 
can  do  to  c^ess  to  one ! 


RAILWAY  GREASE. 

"  Mr.  Uvdsoj.%  on  his  last  visit  to  Sunderland,  was  solicited  by  no 
less  than  twenty-live  of  its  poorest  inhabitants  to  stand  godfather  lo 
their  children.  This  is  a  pleasing  proof  of  the  very  strong  hold  he 
possesses  upon  the  alFectionsof  his  constituents." — ^'ficea-ffh  St/fop/ntnt. 
"  A  penny  subscription  has  been  started  amongst  the  stokers 
and  guards  on  the  Kastcrn  Counties  Railwav  to  erect  a  statue  bi 
honour  of  a  late  lamented  and  much  beloved  Director.  Wc  need  not 
say  wc  allude  to  the  Railway  King,  Ma.  Hudson,  whose  return  to 
power  will  be  chronicled  amongst  the  proudest  events  of  the  forlli- 
coming  year." — THe  York  Friend. 

"VVe  have  authority  for  stating  that  offers  have  been  made  to  1^1  n. 

Hudson,  in  the  name  of  the  Emperor  op  China, 'to  proceed  instantly 

to  Pekin,  with  a  view  of  consulting  with  his  Celestial  feiesty  upon  the 

possibility  of  laying  down  a  railway  upon  the  Great  Wall  of  China. 

T)ie  esnensc,  it  is  considered,  would  onlv  consist  of  tlie  'Outlay  for  tJic 

iron  and  the  engines,  and  a  sum  exceeoing  one  million  was  olSered  to 

Mr.  Hvi>snN  by  a  celebiated  Manchester  firm,  if  he  would  only  secure 

their  establishment  the  Imperial  contmot.    We  ore  nroud  and  happy 

,  to  state,  however,  that  Mk.  Hudson  has  Tsfined  nil  these  tempting 

1  offers,  with  the  generous  intmition  of  coneentTAtiog  his  entire  attention 

:  npon  railway  matters  at  home,  which  we  on  sorry  to  see  suiforiiig  more 

I  and  more  ever}*  week  from  his  ^longed  absence,  and  which  must  end 

I  in  the  fearful  ruin  of  all  parties,  unless  Mft.  Hudoon  is  4inmediately 

called  in  to  avert  the  impeiiding  tv\V*^'Mmtekt$ier  tMer. 

"  A  Director  of  the  Caledonian  Railway  sent  H&.  HmmoK,  Ust 
week,  a  brace  of  grouse  ^oud  it  was  only  the  week  before  that  he 
received,  from  one  of  the  largest  holden  of  shores  in  the  some  line,  a 
hamper  pocked  full  of  game.  These  little  presents  are  flattering  evi- 
dence of  the  high  trust  which  all  persons  who  have  invested  their  fortimes 
in  railways  repose  in  Hn.  Hudson,  and  show  too  strongly  how  pleased 
the  entire  body  of  shareholders  of  the  Caledonian  HAilway  would  be  if 
the  ex-Railway  King  would  but  consent  to  undertake  the  management 
of  their  hopeless  affairs."— 7ii«  Connie  Scotsman. 

"  Mr.  Hudson  entertained,  on  Monday  Ust,  300  lUilway  Directors, 
at  his  princely  mansion  in  Hyde  Park.  The  only  topic  of  conversation 
was  the  universal  regret  that  Me.  Hudson  had  so  long  absented 
himself  from  railway  mattexs,  and  a  lively  hope  was  generally  ezprcased 
that  he  would  soon  retain  to  power,  and  resume  the  powerful  position 
he  once  so  proudly  occupied,  as  the  Baring  of  the  Sto<^  Exchange, 
and  the  Rothschild  of  Capel  Court.  In  such  a  wish  all  hss^Tsc&& 
men  must  sincerely  concur."— J2i»/iM|r  Wetkl^  EwSer. 


Ili 


» 


I 


k 


FASHIONS    FOR    1850;  OR, 


4 


^ 


A    PAGE    FOR    THE    PUSEYITES. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


339 


CLIMATES  FOE  ALL  NATIONS. 

that  the  Exhibition  of  1851  was 
not  thonsbt  of  earlier !    All  na- ; 
tions  viU  of  coarse  throng  to 
the  display  of  their  own  industry. 
A  most  serious  nnestion  is,  how 
to  lodge  them.    This  might  easily  ; 
have  been  solved  by  Mr.  Paxton 
with   sufficient  time.     He  can 
grow  the  indigenous  plants  of  any 
country  in  his  glass-houses.    It ; 
is  evidently  as  easy  to  imitate , 
natural  conditions  for  an  animal 
as  for  a  plant.    By  a  well-con- 
trivtd  arrangement  of  large  con- 1 
sen'atories,  every  huniau  being 
under  the  sun  might  have  been  i 
accommodated  with  his  own  cH- ! 
mate.     The   inhabitant  of   the 
tjopics   might   have    been   sur- 
rounded by  tropical  fruits  and 
vegetation,  and  snakes   also,  if 
required.    The  East  Indian  might  have  liad  his  home  near  a  jungle, 
with  tlie  option  of  tigers.    With  the  valuable  assistance  of  Dr.  Faradat 
(who  can  freeze  water  for  you  in  a  red-hot  crucible)^  the  Norwegians, 
Laplanders,  and  Esquimaux  might  have  been  domiciled  amid  iceoergs 
ana  white  bcara,  in  regions,  to  all  intents  and  purposes,  perfectly 
Arctic. 

We  mipht  have  given  the  Egyptian  his  Nile  and  crocodOes,  and 
the  Arabian  his  Desert,  with  a  miraffe  for  water-supply,  and  pro- 
vided witii  everything  but  simooms  to  make  him  feel  quite  at 
home.  California  is  tne  only  land  which  would  defy  imitation.  The 
composition  of  the  soil  of  that  Tora-Tidlerian  territory  would  be  rather 
too  expensive— unless  Kothschzld  would  be  liberal  enough  to  supply 
the  needful. 

At  all  events,  liowever,  physiologists  might  avail  themselves  of 
Mk.  Paxton's  contrivances,  in  order  to  the  determination  of  the  con- 
troversy as  to  whether  or  no  climate  produces  the  diversities  of  the 
human  race.  Why— but  that  the  women  of  Enghmd  are  the  loveliest 
in  the  world— should  we  not  rear  young  ladies  under  glass,  and  see  if 
wc  cannot  grow  Circassian  beauties  ? 


POrERT  IN  PIMLICO. 


It  has  been  rumoured  that,  in  the  event  of  Pius  the  Ninth  being 
obliged  once  more  to  run  away  from  Rome,  he  will  emigrate  to  Pimiico. 
and  make  Belgravia  the  future  residence  of  the  Popes.  Lodgings  will 
be  taken  in  Wilton  Place,  as  a  substitute  for  the  Vatican,  and  the 
Church  of  St.  Barnabas  will  rcnuire  very  little  alteration  in  its  cere- 
monies to  render  it  fis  acceptable  to  Pio  Noxo  as  St.  Peter's  itself. 
The  "histrionics''  will  of  course  becoutinued  as  usual,  though  a  few 
more  supernumeraries  will  be  required  lor  the  processions,  and  there 
will  be  an  augmentation  of  candles,  so  tliat  the  managers  of  the 
mummery  may  be  enabled  to  avail  themselves  of  the  great  Vauxhall 
attraction  of  so  many  "additional  lights."  Nathan,  the  costumier,  has 
received  orders  for  tne  preparation  of  **  entirely  new  dresses,"  and  the 
*'  property  man"  at  Astley  s  is  understood  to  be  working  night  and  day 
for  the  completion  of  the  decorations,  which  are  expected  to  surpass 
everything  since  the  celebrated  Jewess  season  at  Dniry  Lane. 
Rehoarsam  are  taking  phu:c  every  morning,  and  several  of  the  weaker- 
minded  laitv  allow  themselves  to  be  introduced  as  lay  figures  into  the 
spectacles  that  are  being  got  up,  pro  bono  Pimiico^  almost  every  day. 


War  without  a  Wherefore- 


Hitherto  we  Imve  been  undoubting  advocates  of  international 
arbitration ;  but  wc  really  almost  question  whether  it  could  lie  resorted 
to  for  the  settlement  oi  the  dispute  between  Prussia  and  Austria. 
What  is  the  war  cry  ?— what  is  the  bone  of  contention  ?— what  great 
principle  is  at  issue  ?  What  controversy'  is  there  for  any  arbitrator  to 
arbitrate  upon  ?  It  is  a  pity  some  ^acilic  salve,  some  sort  of  antisan- 
{{uinary,  antipngnacious  antidiaboUcal  emollient  cerate  could  not  be 
invented  to  allav  that  itching  for  mutual  murder  which  afflicts  most 
of  the  nations  of  the  Continent. 


ELEVEN  WORDS  ON  TOLEBATION. 

BT  DR.  NEWUAK. 

Amoxg  various  reasons  which  indnce  the  British  public  to  oppose 
the  PoFE  OF  Roue's  attempt  at  domination  in  this  oonntry,  is  the  per- 
suasion, derived  from  histon*,  that  in  times  past,  the  Pofe'b  Church, 
when  possessed  of  ascendancy,  burnt  alive,  racked,  and  tortued»  or 
caused  and  procured  to  be  burnt  alive,  and  so  forth,  a  conaidenble 
number  of  human  bcinfrs,  for  what  it  was  pleased  to  caJI  hex^y. 

To  us,  this  persuasion  appears  as  certain  as  the  assurance  that 
AViLLiAM  THE  CoxytERou  subducd  l!^«!and,  that  Ricdabd  Tcsrar 
committed  highway  robbery,  that  Sir  Hdmphky  Davt  invented  the 
safety-lamp,  or  that  Mr.  Thistlewood  was  hanged  for  hi^^  treason. 
And  is  it  all  the  wliile  merely  a  monstrous  fallacy  ?  Is  the  very  type  in 
which  we  read  of  atrocities,  whose  catalogue  is  too  hackneyed  for 
quotation,  unreal.  In  thinking  we  see  letters  and  words  narrating  rach 
roastinj^  and  rackings,  perpetrated  by  states  and  sovereigns,  at  the 
instigation  of  the  I'apal  Church,  arc  we,  possibly,  the  victims  of  some 
delusion  of  the  Enemy,  imposing  upon  our  own  senses  with  pica  which 
is  not  P  Or  arc  we  simply  mad  'r  lliat  the  common  impression  on  tiiis 
subject  at  any  rate  is  false,  is  so  roundly  asserted  by  ncarlv  aU  the 
apologists  of  hb  IIouness,  that  Mr.  Punch  might  ahonost  l)egin  to 
doubt  of  its  correctness,  if  he  could  be  talked  into  scepticism  as  to  the 
existence  of  a  nose  in  his  face.  Rut,  with  the  best  q>Bctacles  on  that 
nose,  Mr.  Punch  still  reads  the  same  tiorrible  storr. 

In  reference  to  those  who  accuse  the  Pofb's  Cnurch  of  persecution, 
the  Rev.  Dk.  Doyle,  according  to  the  Timei^  of  the  I$th  instant,  spoke, 
on  the  preceding  day,  as  follows : — 

"  The?  talk  nf  the  ciliet  of  Qiititir  M  asy.  and  lay  It  at  Hie  door  of  tbe  CatboUc  dentv. 
I  deny  that  tt  is  true ;  and  I  refer  our  drttnictora  to  that  lilstory  wh!:b  they  ao  wUrolfy 

pem^rt Now,  the  tnir  Toraion  df  Qi;bex  Mary's  ndict.  ia  connection  with  tm 

CathoUc  cler^,  is  tliis :  on  the  very  dity  that  that  edict  waa  sent  forth,  that  great,  and 
{[ood,  and  fetu-leu  friar,  ALPHuxr.i:  i>x  CASTHit,  when  lie  preached  helore  the  Court,  in 
the  pretwnoe  of  Hru  Majkhtv,  denounced  it  a;*  moet  Intolerant,  nnjniit,  and  l»  orery 
degree  opposed  to  the  glorious  priiicIplCH  and  opirit  of  the  holy  religion." 

Would  it  not  have  been  more  to  Da.  Doyle's  purpose  to  have  said— 
if  he  could  have  said— that  the  Pope  denounced  and  condemned  Qceen 
Maat  and  her  fagots  ?  That  he  did  not,  was  an  unfortunate  omiasioD, 
we  will  say.  Well ;  there  is  time  to  repair  it.  Will  the  present  Pops, 
authoritatively,  and  ex  caihedrS^  condemn  and  anathematise  the  doctrine 
that  it  is,  or  ever  was,  lawful  for  Christian  men  to  bum,  or  otherwise 
kill,  or  torture  anybody  for  heresy?  It  is  surely  worth  his  while  to 
annihilate  a  prejudice,  entertained  by  millions  of  Englishmen,  against 
his  Church,  at  the  small  expense  of  a  bull "  so  very  short  that  it  would 
rather  desen'c  the  epithet  of  "brief." 

In  the  meantime,  what  can  be  said  to  Dr.  Doyle  ?    Eleven  wordsr— 

"  IV  THE  MiDDLK   AOES  TIIK  ChUM'R  PLT  TO  DSATn  FOft  HBUST!" 

These  are  not  the  words  of  Mr.  Punch  ;  they  are  the  words  of  John 
Hemkt  Newhast,  Priest  of  the  Oratory  of  br.  Philip  Neiu.  They 
occur  in  a  lecture  tlelivered  by  him  on  the  "  Political  State  q^  Caiholie 
Conntrieff  No  Prejudice  to  (he  Sanctity  of  the  Church."  London :  Burns 
AND  Lahbeut  :  page  208  of  Ijccturc  Vlll.,  bought  by  Mr.  Punch  at 
3Xh.  RiCHAaosoN's,  over  the  win',  up  the  street,  for  the  sum  of  one 
shilling  current  and  lawful  coin  of  this  realm. 

Tlie  reader  is  besought  to  refer  to  the  sentence  in  which  the  above 
words  occur,  to  see  that  Mr.  Punch  has  not  suppressed  anything  which 
could  soften  them  or  explain  tljcm  away. 

Mr.  Punch  does  not  quote  the  words  of  Dtt.  Newman  against  those 
of  Db.  Doyle  to  Hx  persecuting  tenets  on  any  individual  Catholic. 
He  docs  not  mean  to  insinuate  that  Cardinal  Wiseman  would  wish 
to  roast  ARciiBisnop  Sumner,  or  that  the  present  Di;ke  op  Nokfolk 
would  like  to  prf^side  over  a  Smithfield  Stake  Club.  Mr.  Punch 
merely  meaiis  to  say,  that  if,  as  Dr.  Newman  confesses — 

"ly  THE   XIUDLE  AUES  THE   CltdU.']!   TI'T   TO   ItbATII    TOR    Hr.nXBT  ;" 

and  if  the  Church  is  infallible,  and  cannot  make  a  mistake,  it  nuy 
persecute— whether  to  the  death  or  short  of  the  death — again.  There- 
fore, that  it  is  not  to  he  trusted ;  and,  though  tolerated  to  the  fullest 
extent,  must  bo  resolutely  denied  the  sanction  of  titles  of  honour 
derived  from  any  distrirts  \rithin  the  bounds  of  Jolly  Old  Enghmi 

In  the  meantime,  Mr.  Punch  begs  thinking  persons  to  oMerve  how 
very  widely  "  Doctors  "—even  Roman  I>octofs— "  differ." 


THE  QUICUST  WAT  TO  BOHE. 

"  EvznT  road,"  says  the  ancient  proverb,  "  leads  to  Rome ; "  but  of 
all  roads  none  will  take  you  there  so  quickly  as  the  small  Tracts  that 
run  through  Oxford. 


A  NEW  TITLE  POR  DR.  WISEMAN. 

It  has  been  !:ugMsted  by  a  wit— the  writer  of  this  paragraph— that 
his  Imminence  would  be  a  better  title  than  his  Kmiuence,  for  tne  New 
Cut  Cardinal ;  inasmuch  a^i  the  insult  contemplated  by  the  Pope  has 
been  hanging  over  iis,  and  has  been,  therefore,  imminent  for  a  long 
time. 

A  Conundrum  made  bt  a  little  Boy  only  Seven  Years  old.— 
Why  is  an  umbrella  like  a  Scotcli  shower  ?— Bcc&usc  the  moment  it 
rams  it 's  miated. 


..\ 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


mCBEASED  ATTRACTION— INCREASED  PAY, 


m- 


Cheapsidf,  Nov.  VHh. 
DSfiREC  Sib, — ^I  have  a  nu- 
merous family  of  godchildren. 
It  is  my  custom  on  the  9tb 
of  November  to  invite  all  my 
little  charges  to  the  large, 
warehouse  [  have  in  Cheap-! 
side,  so  that  they  may  see  the ; 
Lord  Mayor*s  Show.  During 
the  inten-als  of  the  proces-: 
sion,  we  amuse  oxirselves  with 
romps  and  games,  and  buns  | 
and  cakes,  sweetened  with! 
the  weakest  negus.  I 

"WeD,  Sir,  tJiis  year  I' 
thought  I  would  vary  the. 
games  a  little,  and  that,  in- ' 
stead  of  a  romp  in  the  ware- 
house, we  would  have  an 
instructive  stroll  through  St. 
Paul's  Cathedral.  I  longed 
to  point  to  the  admiring  gaee 
of  my  young  troop  the  great 
men  of  their  country,  and 
accordingly  had  been  busy 
reading  up  all  the  momine 
my  Huiorff  of  England  ana 
Southey's  lAfe  of  NeUon,  in 
(ffder  to  be  able  to  dlbite  with  proper  enthusiasm  upon  the  noble 
deeds  they  had  done.  Well,  Sir— for  I  am  an  old  man  with  the 
gout,  and  feel  I  get  on  but  slowly— we  started  on  pur  mmy 
trip.  I  put  twenty-pence  in  my  pocket,  for  we  were  ten  in  number. 
It  was  aU  in  coppers,  for  I  like  to  give  the  money-takers  the  trouble 
—it 's  a  little  pleasure  I  have — of  counting  them.  Well,  I  presented 
the  twent;;-pence  all  in  coppers  •  they  were  indignantly  pushed  aside. 
'  It 's  idl  right,'  1  said,  with  all  tne  respect  I  could  summon,  for  some- 
how it  does  put  me  in  a  rage  to  be  compelled  to  pay  for  admission  to 
my  own  cathedral ;  'we  are  ten  of  us.  and  ten  persons  at  two-pence  a- 
piece,  may  I  be  allowed  to  remark,  makes  exactly  twenty-pence?' 

"'It's  no  such  thing,'  he  said,  with  the  customary  rudeness  of  all 
money-takers.     'It's   five  shillings.'     'How's  that?'  I   inquired, 
mastmng  my  indignation.    'Impossible!'    'Impossible  or  not,  you 
most  pay  it,  or  you  don't  go  in.    I  tell  you  it 's  five  shillings.' 
"  'But  how  do  you  make  it  out.  Sir,'  for  I  was  getting  quite  angry. 

"'Why,  WB  ALWATS  CHAKGE  BIXPEKCB  A-HEAD  ON  LOBD  MAYOa'S 
DAT!' 

"  So,  Sir.  because  ther«  was  a  little  additional  attraction,  the  prices 
were  raised.  A  play-house,  I  believe,  only  doubles  its  price  when  there 
is  some  unheard  of  performance  to  justify  it ;  but  here  was  a  Cathedral 
trebling  its  rate  of  admission,  because  the  Lord  Mayor's  procession 
happened  to  pass  roimd  it.  I  asked  the  impudent  official  if  the  charge 
was  made  with  the  sanction  of  the  Dean  and  Chapter,  and  he  answered 
me  more  impudently  than  ever,  that '  it  was.' 

"I  Ksfosed,  with  a  lony  protest,  to  pay  the  imposition,  which  caused 
the  door  to  be  slammed  m  my  face,  and  I  was  compelled  to  walk  back 
a£;ain  to  Cheapside  with  my  Uttle  troop,  who  were  sucking  their  thumbs 
with  disappointment.    All  my  momiug^s  reading  went  for  nothing ! 

"  My  only  remedy.  Sir,  is  to  write  to  you.  I  oeg  of  you  to  use  every 
pen  you  have  in  exposing  this  scandalous  stale  of  things  till  it  is  fairly 
carted  away,  like  so  much  noxious  filth,  from  the  City  ofLoDdon. 

"  I  remain,  Dear  Sir, 
"  Yours,  with  the  gout  much  worse  from  this  excitement, 

"TjlE  GODPATHEB  OF  SeVEBAL  FAMILIES." 

"  p.  S.  If  there  is  an  advance  of  prices,  public  information,  at  all 
events,  should  be  given  of  the  fact.  I  should  not  be  surprised — at  all 
events  it  would  be  more  tradesman-like  to  do  it— to  see  next  year  a 
placard  like  the  following,  hung  over  every  door  of  the  cathedral : — 


EZTBAOBBIKAItT   ADVAKOE   OF   PBIOES!!! 


Th€  Dtan  and  Chapter  beg  rupee^fmllj/  to  announce  that  in  eonaequenee  (t/ 

THE     HIPPOPOTAMUS 

Flgorlng  this  year  la  the  Lord  MaTor't  proceulon,  the  Price  or  AdmlMlon 
CO  St.  Paut'»  Catbednl  will  be  raised  (on  thid  occasion  onlj')  to 

0N£   SHZLLXNG! 

X.B.  Babies  must  pay /mU  price.    Ao  nwwjr  returned.     Vivat  Regina  ! 


The  Largest  DewVfs  for  Cardinals.  —  Oxford  University  and 
the  Bishop  of  London's  diocese. 


HOUSEHOLD  SONGS. 

No.  L-Tbe  Son^  of  the  Poker. 

I  'h  a  eturdv  poker,  and  all  the  day. 

By  the  side  of  the  fire  I  take  my  place. 
And  whenever  I  stir  I  throw  a  ray 

Of  cheerful  light  on  eveiy  face. 
Of  the  coal's  black  looks  I  make  a  joke,— 

A  light  in  its  heart  I  can  always  raise ; 
In  the  ribs  of  the  fire  I  give  a^ioke. 

And  out  it  bursts  in  a  laughing  blaKe. 

'Tis  not  in  the  summer,  when  all  around 

Is  wrapp'd  in  the  warmth  the  sun  supplies. 
That  the  poker's  real  worth  is  found. 

As  in  polish'd  stat«  he  coldly  lies. 
But  oh !  when  the  winter's  frost  sets  in, 

And  abroad  in  the  fields  you  no  longer  roam ; 
Oil,  then  is  the  time  when  we  all  begin 

To  fmd  in  the  poker  a  friend  at  home. 

No.  2.— The  8on|;  of  the  ShoveL 

Thby  may  talk  as  they  will  of  the  poker  and  tongs, 

Their  merit  to  neither  stem  justice  denies ; 
But  surely  superior  credit  belongs 

To  the  shovel,  which  furnishes  all  the  supplies. 
How  useless  the  poker — with  nothing  to  poke, 

Its  best  occupation  were  utterly  gone. 
On  the  coals  in  a  scuttle  how  vain  were  the  stroke. 

Till  I  to  the  fire  have  shovell'd  them  on. 
Still  sweeter  the  office  I  often  fulfil. 

Preventing  the  coal  from  burning  in  vain. 
And  showing  there 's  virtue  in  humbleness  still. 

By  throwmg  up  cinders  again  and  again. 
Thus  charity  raises  from  out  of  the  dust 

The  good  that  mav  still  with  its  particles  blend ; 
And  the  shovel,  bjr  forming  of  cinders  a  crust, 

Endows  them  with  brilliance  and  warmth  to  the  end. 

No.  3.— The  Song  of  the  Tongs. 

Thet  may  daddy-long-legs  dub  me. 

My  shape  they  may  deride. 
But  they  want  me — though  they  anub  me. 

To  grace  the  fire^de. 

The  shovel  unreflecting 

Throws  fuel  on  hj  shoals, 
I  'm  useful  in  selectmg 

The  choicest  of  the  coals. 

To  every  hut  and  hovel 

The  poker  it  belongs. 
And  common  is  the  shovel — 

But  very  rare  the  tongs. 

Pride  is,  I  know,  delusive, 

Of  worth  'tis  ne'er  the  sign ; 
Although  to  be  exclusive 

May  DC  a  boast  of  mine. 

But  hence  with  idle  boasting, 

Let 's  terminate  our  songs. 
By  altogether  toasting 

Poker — and  shovel— and  tongs. 


THE  NEW  "CtJLLEN'S  PBACTICE  OF  PHYSIC." 

The  President  and  Fellows  of  the  Royal  College  of  Physicians  have 
sent  an  address  to  the  Queen  praying  her  to  take  measures  for 
repelling  the  Papal  aggression.  The  learned  doctors  declare  their 
unalterable  attachment  to  our  Constitution  in  Church  and  State.  Hie 
interest,  therefore,  which  they  take  in  the  Constitution  is  more  exten- 
sive than  some  people  might  suppose.  However,  we  do  not^  notue 
their  anti-papal  address  for  the  mere  purpose  of  makmg  this  very 
obvious  remark.  Physicians  have  peculiar  cause  for  being  opposed  to 
Popish  domination.  The  medical  profession  boasts  of  a  Dr.  GvixxKa 
who  wrote  a  renowned  Practice  qfPnvsic.  Should  another  Db.  Cdluot's 
system  get  the  upper  hand,  a  new  Ctjllen's  Praciiee  of  Pkptic  might 
become  popukr.  to  the  (preat  loss  and  detriment  of  the  faculty.  Tliere 
C4U1  be  no  doubt  that  if  the  sun  is  but  two  yards  in  diameter,  all 
diseases  are  curable  by  saint's  toe-nails,  or  other  relics.  Hie  eftawish- 
ment  of  this  principle  will  qnite  revolutionise  the  Materia  Xtediea; 
calome],  cDloc)'nth,  and  tartrate  of  antimony,  will  be  entirely  super- 
seded by  holy  shin  and  other  bones,  and  fragments  of  thaumafe(zgic 
mummiea,  miraculous  old  clothes,  and  canonised  nn.  No  "W^i^**f. 
indeed^  will  be  taken  any  more ;  Apothecaries*  Hall  be  ruined,  and  the 
Doctors*  occmputioDL  gone ! 


FUMCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


231 


A   TRAIN    TAKEN    IN    EXECUTION. 

T  will  really  be  a  mere  matter  of  prudence  to  inquire  in  future  into  the 
solvency  of  any  railway  upon  which  one  is  about  to  tiavel,  for  other- 
wise a  passenger  may  find  himself  in  custody  as  part  of  a  train  seized 
bv  the  sheriff's  officers  for  the  debts  of  the  concern.  Imagine  the  horror 
ot  an  affectionate  husband  about  to  ffy  by  express  to  an  expectant  wife, 
and  checked  in  his  ardour  by  a  S^.fa.  pushed  in  at  the  window  by  a 
bailiff,  who  must  produce  some  such  impression  aa  a  hiehwarman 
would  liave  done  in  the  old  days  of  post  and  st^-coach  iraTelling. 
The  brigands  ot  the  law  may  become  as  annoyinj;:,  it  not  as  formidable, 
as  the  Italian  brigands — the  bnites  of  the  Abruzzi  for  instance— and  we 
shall  be  looking  out  for  a  Fra  Diavolo  at  every  station  with  bis  dip  of 
parchment,  instead  of  his  carbine,  ready  to  poke  in  the  awful  instrument 
at  evcrv  carriage  window,  and  call  upon  the  occupants  to  surrender. 

The  brigand  soug  in  Fra  JOiatoto  will  become  popularised  upon  every 
railway  station  in  tlie  kingdont,  and  we  will  be  the  nrst  to  give  a  version 
of  it,  for  the  use  of  travellers  on  those  insolvent  lines,  wMiich  arc  not 
safe  from  the  intrusiou  of  the  law's  merciless  myrmidons. 

Aitt.— "  On  ymdfr  roc*  rteUnmg. 

Ou  yonder  platform  sneaking, 
llis  scarcliing  eye  the  train  surveys ; 
Sec  in  his  hands  he  a  writ  displays ; 
*Tis  one  of  those  vilc/.-/fl.-*. 

Without  a  sentence  spnikmg, 
lie  comes  and  makes  a  scn'ile  bow ; 
M^ithout  explaining  what 's  the  row, 
He  whispers  "  You  can't  go  now." 
Diavolo,  Diavolo ! 

"  Your  wife  thus  baulked  of  meeting 

To  yourself  you  keep  repeating, 

*  Diavolo,  Diavolo,  Diavo-lo !  *  " 

If  passengers  arc  really  liable  to  be  stopped  xh  iransUu  for  the  debts  of  a  railway  company,  it  will  be  advisable  that  some  means  should  be 
enmloTed  by  the  solvent  concerns  to  satisfy  the  public,  that  there  need  be  no  apprehension  of  the  train  being  apprehended  bv  the  officers  of  the  law ; 
•nd  it  woidd  be  a  wise  precaution  on  the  part  of  those  who  can  i>ay,  to  have  coj^ies  of  their  balance-sheet  stuck  up  at  all  the  stations  along  the 
Into,  while  those  companies  wluch  arc  insolvent  should  obtain  ana  exhibit  at  their  booking-offices  a  letter  of  license  from  tlieir  creditors. 


THE  BERLIN  CHOIR  TO  THE  WARS  HAVE  GONE. 

We  have  heard  of  military  bands,  but  a  military  chorus  is  something 
quite  new,  and  the  Berlin  choir  is  the  first  specimen  we  recollect  of  a 
body  of  men,  under  a  concert  engagement  here,  finding  themselves 
suddenly  disconcerted  by  being  callea  upon  to  enter  into  a  military 
engagement  with  the  enemy.  Our  own  British  chorus-singer  is  such  a 
purehr  peaceful  animal,  tliat  though  you  may  encase  him  in  |)asteboard 
buckler,  pird  him  with  a  property  sword,  and  put  the  most  martial 
kujguage  mto  his  mouth ;  though  he  might  be  made  to  scream  with  the 
utmost  power  of  his  lungs, 

"  For  Ubertj  or  glorious  death 
We  gladly  yield  our  latest  breath," 

yet  everybody  knows  that  he  attends  to  no  other  call  than  tlie  call  to 
rehearsal,  and  he  draws  the  sword  for  no  other  purpose  than  to  enable 
him  to  draw  his  salary. 

It  seems,  however,  to  be  a  much  more  serious  business  with  the 
Berlin  chorus  singers,  who  have  not  only  to  scream  under  a  banner,  but 
to  fight  under  one  also,  and  they  are  liable  to  be  forced  to  practise  what 
they  sing,  when  called  upon  to  do  so  by  their  Government.  We  pity 
the  poor  Berlin  choir,  who  have  suddenly  been  summoned  from  the 
beat  of  Her  Majesty's  Theatre  to  the  heat  of  battle :  or,  at  all  events, 
to  the  chance  of  veiy  warm  work ;  and  we  cannot  help  thinking  it  was 
adding  insult  to  misfortune,  to  insert  in  the  programme  "Norn;  mraet 
Home"  wliich  they  were  obliged  to  sing  at  a  tune  when  the  prospect  of 
going  home  must  have  been  very  far  from  agreeable.  Though  our  native 
chorus  singers  run  the  risk  of  being  cut  up  by  criticism,  they  are, 
at  all  events,  safe  from  the  sword ;  and  we  congratulate  them  on  their 
pound  a-weelc  in  peace  and  quietness,  which  is  much  better  tiian  getting 
called  out  to  fight  by  way  of  an  annual  benefit. 


ANIMAL  SPIRITS  OF  THE   CHURCH. 

The  Bishop  of  Oxford  has  written  several  letters,  si^ed  B.  Oxos., 
in  (uiflwer  to  addresses  from  hia  clergy  calling  upon  him  to  take  the 
chair  at  meetings  to  bo  held  in  opposition  to  the  Papal  aggression. 
These  letters  breathe  a  spirit  of  indignation  at  the  conduct  of  the  See 
of  Rome,  and,  in  fact,  from  the  style  of  writing  OxON.,  would  seem  to  be 
infuriated  Oxon.  against  the  Pope's  Bull. 

SxTBxm  MiLDVEss  OF  THE  Seasok.  ~  Cabdikal  Wibbxak's 
Appeal  to  thA  People  of  Enghuid. 


MCVEON,  THERE! 

The  Chancery  Bar,  and  the  Chancery  suitors,  also,  are  in  a  state  of 
some  tribulation  at  the  slow  progress  made  in  the  Lord  Chanccllor'a 
Court,  in  consequence  of  the  extreme  length  of  the  deliberations  of  the 
present  occupant  of  the  Woolsack.  A  reference  to  the  reports  in  the 
newspapers  will  show  that  a  column  or  two  of  argument  from  the  Bar. 
is  followed  by  an  announcement  from  the  Chancellor,  that  be  will 
"take  the  papers  home,"  or  "deliver  his  judgment  on  a  future  day;" 
but  it  very  rarelv  happens  tliat  an  actual  decision  is  chronicled. 
Sometimes  his  loroship  will  "  consult  the  minutes  "—a  operation  that 
often  involves  not  merely  minutes,  but  hours — and  wlule  the  judicial 
grass  is  growing— if  we  may  use  the  allegory— the  forensic  horse  is 
stan-iuy  for  want  of  a  fresh  supply  of  provender. 

Caution  and  deliberation  are  excellent  qualities  in  a  new  Chancellor, 
no  doubt ;  but  the  barristers  complain  bitterly  of  the  comparatively 
small  amount  of  business  got  through  ;  and  some  of  the  older  ones 
declare  they  are  now  reminded  of  the  days  of  tlie  Eldon  slow  coach, 
before  the  mtroduction  of  the  Fast  Brougham,  and  the  Cottesham 
Diligence. 


WILL  YOU  BUY?  BUY?  BUY? 

We  select  the  following  bit  of  military  trading  from  a  Bnghton  Paper. 
It  may  be  called  the  latest  transaction  in  the 

"  Mart  of  ritonv.— It  U  confldently  reported  In  military  cIrIca  tliat  the  large  wum 
of  £m,OClO  ttM  been  offered  by  the  lati^oT  <■?  a  lancer  mtfinient  fur  the  purchatie  of  the 
lleuteDant-colonelcy,  and  refuacd,  after  two  days'  deliberaUoa." 

So  an  English  gentleman  becomes  a  lieutenant-colonel,  not  by  merit, 
but  by  moncv— by  the  force  of  his  pocket,  and  not  the  intelligence  of 
his  head.  Tne  ladder  by  which  an  Englishman  mounts  to  militarv  pro- 
motion is  a  Ladder  of  Gold.  £16,000  to  be  a  lieutenant-colonel! 
Napoleon  was  quite  wrong^we  are  ii^  a  nation  of  shopkeepers. 


Hother  Ohoich  and  her  Naughty  Ohildren. 

Several  children  of  the  Church  have  proved  rebcUioua  and  difficult 
to  deal  with :  but  of  all  her  children,  thoee  naughty  little  boys  of 
Oxford,  who  for  j[ears  past  have  been  pelting  the  beu  of  tbdrvenenble 
parent  with  nothing  but  Tracts,  have  certainly  turned  out  the  va&nj^ 
In-Tractablo. 


\ 


3S2 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDO?i   CHARIVARI. 


JULLIEN'S  NEXT  QUADRILLE. 

Wb  would  suggest  to  the  splendid  JuixiEy  that  the  feeling  of  Hero- 
wcnihip  which  inspired  the  Sritish  Army  Quadrille  might  nnd  farther 
expression  in  a  similar  work  of  genius,  composed  in  honour  of  a 
kindred  service.  The  Metropolitan  Police  Force  is  a  valoable  body  of 
to  whom  such  homage  would  be  highly  appropriate,  whilst  it  would 


be  eqnallT  gratifying  to  a  Public  which  is  even  more  loyal  and  con- 
stitnturaa!  than  it  is  musical.  We  can  almost  fancy  that  we  hear  the 
great  composition  by  whidi  M.  Julues  might  glorify  our  gallant  con- 
ftabnlary.  A  brisk,  lively  opening  indicates  the  alacrity  of  the  police^ 
men  musterhog  at  the  Station.  A  measured  movement  of  the  kettle^ 
dmma  represents  the  tramp  of  the  various  divisions  along  the  kerb- 
stones. The  air,  "  Oi,  the  Roast  Betf  of  Old  England;'  is  now  intro- 
duced, to  signify  the  descent  of  the  policeman  from  his  beat  into  the 
area,  to  meet  ms  cook.  This  is  suddenly  interrupted  by  the  Rogue'i 
March,  to  which  succeeds  "'7W*  in  Trafalffar's  Matt"  indicating  tiie 
heio's  return  to  the  street  under  a  sense  of  duty,  recollecting  the  ex- 
hortation of  Neisoit.  *'  The  Horn  of  Chase  "  now  betokens  the  pursuit 
of  a  pickpocket,  whose  flight  is  expressed  by  raj^id  passages  on  tjie 
piooolo;  ul  the  wind  ana  stringed  instruments  loin  in  the  hue  and 
cry;  and  the  capture  of  the  depredator  is  denoted  by  a  thump  on  the 
big  drum.  The  well-known  air  of  "  We  icon*  t  go  Home  till  Morning'' 
now  informs  ua  that  some  tipsy  medical  students  are  retiring  from  the 
Coal  Hole;  a  sudden  crash  expUins  that  a  lamp  has  been  smashed  by 
the  roysterers,  and  that  the  poUce  have  seized  them ;  a  regular  row  then 
ensues,  creat«l  by  the  whole  strength  of  the  orchestra,  in  which  the 
ophicleides  uid  p}ngs  are  tremendously  oromincnt,  their  effect  being 
heightened  bv  watchmen's  rattles  and  small  pieces  of  artillery.  In  coq- 
dosion,  the  National  Anthem  declares  the  triumph  of  Hkr  Majesty's 
officers.  Here  are  some  ideas  for  a  Metropolitan  Police  Foree 
Qoadhille,  and  if  Juluen  will  work  them  up,  we  will  be  bound  to  say 
he  will  do  something  quite  A.  1. 


OUfi.  I  know  not,  Sir,  who  cut  yonr  hair  lust  ti^ie 
But  this  I  say.  Sir,  it  was  badly  cut : 
No  doubt  'twas  in  the  country. 

Jone*.  No!  in  Town! 

Oillf.  Indeed !  I  should  have  fimcied  otherwise. 

Jones.  'Twaa  cut  in  Town— and  in  this  vci?  room. 

Oily.  Amazement ! — but  I  now  remember  well. 
Wc  bad  an  awkward  new  provincial  hand^ 
A  fellow  from  the  country.    Sir,  he  did 
More  damage  to  my  business  in  a  week, 
TliaQ  a^l  my  skill  can  in  a  year  repair. 
He  moat  havd  cut  your  hair. 

/owfflt  {lookimf  at  him).       No— 'twas  Tonraelf. 

Oily,  Myself!  Impossible!    You  most  nmtake» 


DRAMAS    FOR    EVERY-DAY    LIFE. 

Wb  have  been  told — till  we  are  tired  of  hearing  the  information — 
that  "All  the  World's  a  Stage,"  yet,  when  we  look  around  us,  we 
find  no  dramas  of  erery-day  life  written  expressly  for  "  all  the  men  aiid 
women"  who  "ore  only  players."  The  social  members  of  the  sock 
must  find  themselves  much  embarrassed  occasionally  by  the  want  of  a 
repertoire^  and  if  they  really  do  "  phiv  many  parts,"  their  acting  must 
consist  of  what,  in  the  language  of  the  green-room,  is  called  gag;'* 
inasmuch  as  there  is  nothing  "  set  down  for  them  "  and  cousequcntlv. 
however  anxious  they  might  be  to  adhere  to  Hamlets  rule,  they  woufj 
find  it  impossible  to  do  so.  Taking  pity  upon  our  fellow  actors  on  the 
great  stace  of  the  world,  who  are  in  toe  dilemma  so  commonly  com- 
pUined  of  by  the  professional  players,  who  are  always  lamenting  that 
they  have  no  pieces  written  expressly  for  them,  wc  have  undertaken 
the  task  of  writinf  a  few  dramas  of  erery-day  life,  for  pr;rformance  by 
"all  the  men  ana  women"  whom  Shakspeable  nas  lumped  into  ouc 
great  dramatic  companv. 

-  We  have  no  doubt  the  actors,  like  a  discontented  ungrateful  set  as 
they  arc,  will  declare  that  the  parts  we  offer  them  are  not  half  gorjd 
enough,  but  we  nevertheless  rush  into  the  perils  of  authorship  regardle*.:^ 
of  the  sneers  of  Skooks,  who  thinks  he  ought  to  be  playing  Lojuj 
Chakcellor,  when  fortune,  the  stage  manager,  has  cast  him  into  the 
lawyer's  clerk ;  or  of  Spoonet,  who  is  measuring  out  silk  from  behind 
a  counter,  when  he  believes  that  his  most  appropriate  cliuracter  would 
be  that  01  a  measurer  of  sentences,  and  dealer  out  of  qreat  political 
truths  from  the  ministerial  benches  in  Parliameul.  Without  further 
prologue  we  proceed  to  give  the  first  of  our  dramas  of  evcry^iay  life 
under  the  title  of  the 

FEBBUaUIEA    PUZZLED. 

SCE5E — A  Barbel's  Shop.  Barber's  roan  engaged  in  cutting  hair,  maicirrg 
wigs,  and  other  Barbaresque  opera/ions. 

Eater  Jones,  meeting  Oilt  the  Barber, 
Jones.  I  vrish  my  hair  cut. 
Oily.  Pray.  Sir,  take  a  scat. 

[OlLT  pnts  chair  for  Jones,  who  sifs.    During  the  f olio  ffiitg  dialogue, 
Oilt  continues  cutting  Jones's  hair. 
Oilg.  We've  had  much  wet,  Sir. 
Jones.  Very  much  indeed- 

OUp.  And  yet  November's  early  days  were  fine. 
Jones.  They  were. 

Oihf.  I  hoped  fair  weather  might  have  lasted  us 

Tlntifthe  end. 
Jones.  At  one  time— so  did  I. 

Oilg.  But  we  have  hod  it  very  wet. 
Jones.  We  have. 

[A  pause  of  some  minutes. 


Jones.  I  don't  mistake— 'twas  you  that  cut  mv  hair. 

\_A  long  pause,  intenyipied  onfg  bg  the  clipping  of  ih  scissors, 

Oilg.  Your  imir  is  very  dry,  Sir. 

Jones,  Oh!  indeed, 

Oilg.  Our  Vegetable  Extract  moistens  it, 

Jones.  I  like  it  dry. 

Oilg,  But,  Sir !  the  hair  when  dry 

Turns  quickly  grey. 

Jones.  That  colour  1  prefer, 

Oilv.  But  hair,  when  grey,  will  rapidly  fall  off, 
And  baldness  will  ensue. 

Jones.  I  would  be  bald, 

Oilg.  Perhaps,  Sir,  you  mean  to  say  you  'd  like  a  wig. 
We  'vc  wiffs  so  natural  they  can't  be  told 
From  real  nair. 

Jones.  Deception  I  detest. 

[Another  pause  ensues^  during  which  Oilt  btom  dntrn  Jone&*g  ned^ 
andrelieces  him  from  the  linen  tcrapper  in  ttkick  he  has  ffcen 
enveloped  during  the  process  of  hinr-ruftiftg, 

Oilg.  We've  brushes,  soaps,  and  scent  of  tvery  kind, 

Jones.  I  see  you  have.    {Pays  Qd.)    I  think  you  'U  find  that  right. 

Oilg.  If  there  is  nothing  I  can  show  you.  Sir. 

Jones,  No :  nothing.    Yet— there  may  be  something,  too. 
That  you  may  show  me. 

Oilg.  Name  it,  Sir. 

Jones.  The  door.  [Erit  SOTHIS. 

Oily  (to  his  man).  That  *s  a  mm  customer,  at  any  rate. 
Had  I  cut  liim  as  short  as  he  cut  me. 
How  little  hair  upon  his  head  would  he ; 
But  if  kind  frienas  will  all  our  pains  requite^ 
We'll  hope  for  better  luck  another  night. 

iShop'bell  rtngs,  and  curtain  falls. 


KEW  TITLE. 


If  Casdhtal  Wiseman  is  allowed  to  retimi  hts  present  papal  at 
ment,  wo  recommend  that  he  be  alwaj^  addressed  and  ailudea 
"  The  Archbishop  of  Westminster,  by  Hoot  nad  by  Crook." 


0«M,laLMtaid8aMi.lathtPi«AMl«f  WUuMm.i- itaOlvM  U«da^ta«p«fedM*dkrAMMIIfc«,rMaiiM,wtM  Partial  SkSil<^.)»bi^ 


RvcBvau  nSOt  MB. 


TiicaE  win  now,  we  tikr  it,  never  be  a  testimonial  erected  to  hia  late 
M«c»ty,  Geohge,  of  Iron  niemory— GEonct  IIudsom,  Never  agn'm 
will  the  plate  [jrn  round  m  honour  of  thai  overthrown  bit  of  royalty.' 
Nevcrthelea?,  wc  Imre  to  propose  a  testimonial  that,  whilfit  it  shall,  lu 
frome  measure,  palitato  the  meanness  and  follj  that  clubbed  toother  to 
glorify  the  delhroned  kiuff-shaU  commemonitc  *m  peculiar  tame,  by 
good  service  done  to  one  of  his  victims.  Mu.  Dotle,  one  of  thr;  jira- 
prietors  of  the  H'efkl^  Chrofttrli^  anpeant  a  bankrupt  tinder  an  t-uimma- 
tioa  that  only  sen'es  to  test  and  slmw  his  lionourable  dealings.  Welt ; ' 
Mil.  D0YI.K  stalea.  on  with,  that  the  persecution  that  drives  liira  into  u 
Court  of  Bankruptcy  ori^nated  in  the  fact,  that — 

**  He,  aa  editor,  refhMd  to  ftltiiw  (he  Wwll^  CkratkU  to  be  oorruptod  hj  IniMsrtlnK  m 
daltineauf  MlUkorob  Houiofi,  written  ty  hl«  Km-to-lav.  Ua.  SBYsiotnt.  He  flrmljr  I 
batlercA  1m  aboutd  not  wm  be  In  tlw  Bankrupuy  Conrt  If  li  irer»  not  ft>r  bin  reiyuftl  to  ' 
laaert  that  ttofaae**  ftnd  tu  ba  oomiptKl.  Ho  iruttld  itot  otuiHttt  to  the  iVitidi/  Ckronitit  \ 
the  tool  of  Mil  Obokok  HL't>*K>if." 


An  honourable  roan  will  not  consent  that  his  newspaper  ink  shall  be 
made  to  do  tbo  part  of  fuller^s-earth,  and  take  out  spots— the  late 
Spotted  Bov  was  nothing  to  look  at  when  compared  with  tbo  many 
wicked  specks  that  may  pre  blackness  to  an  adult  dealer  in  railways — 
an  editor  will  not  suffer  Itlock  to  be  raited  white ;  will  not  praise  ebony 
M  iTory ;  and  he  is  h&rasited  into  bimltruptcy.  lie  is  a  truthtnl  guardian 
of  the  press,  and  he  is  ruined. 

Now.  what  we  ask  is  a  testimonial  for  Me.  Doyle— a  te^timonial 
Bubscribed  by  the  parties  who  laid  down  their  thounandtt  for  HuitsoN. 
We  aak — say.  two  and  sinience  in  the  pound.  V\'lmt  could  be  a 
plMsanter  bit  of  self-imposea  penance  ?  A.  B.  C.  have  each  subscribed 
lor  Hpdson— WW  £80  a-piecc ;  well,  let  them,  to  sweeten  the  unseemly 
memory  of  the  fact,  subscribe  £10  each  to  the  account  of  Ma.  Doyle. 
Tbe  ex-king  has  been  gilt  inch  thick — shall  there  not  be  eren  half- 
erowna  for  Lis  ex-Mnjesty*s  victim  ? 


Pope's  Esaay  on  (Wise)  Man. 

It  is  an  old  saying,  that  *'  What's  one  man's  meat  is  another  man's 
poison;"  and  tbe  truth  baa  lately  been  exemplified  by  the  different 
reception  given  in  England  and  France  to  the  news  of  the  PorR  having 
sent  to  tli£se  countries  new  Cardinals.  IiOUIS'Na.i^li:on  in  his 
"message,'  the  length  of  which  id  the  only  republican  thing  just  now 
in  France,  calls  the  grant  of  three  Cardinals  by  the  Pope,  "  an  eminent 
proof  of  gratitude  towards  the  nation  -*'  whereas  we  in  England  regard 
the  gift  of  onn  Cardinal  in  a  very  difTerent  lif^tit,  and  could  have  dis- 
peniod  BO  well  with  the  present.  Uiat  we  \vish  the  Poru,  while  giving 
the  eminent  tiio  to  France,  hiid  thrown  the  'Mil tie  nue  in."  in  the 
aliape  of  Doctor  WiaLit&N.  "  What  is  sauce  for  tbo  Goose "  the 
proverb  tells  us,  '*  in  sauce  for  the  Gander."  But  however  well 
the  Pope's  aauce  may  agree  with  the  GalUe  oook  it  does  not  at  all 
•nit  tbe  British  Lion. 


Sm  JOHN  ROSS'S  PIGEONS. 

We  have  awaited  until  doubt  ripened  into  truth,  ere  we  spoke  of  the 
arrival  of  Sir  Johs  Ross's  ui^feous  at  their  uative  home  at  AniUa 
Hill,  near  Kilmnmock,  ScolL-uid.  These  birds  were  originally  tbe 
property  of  M)a*t  Dvklop,  and  that  lady  bestowed  i)iem  on  Sir  Jouir 
Rosa,  who  bound  himself  by  knightly  promise  to  Ubemte  the  birds  as 
soon  a^  he  should  liavo  been  comfortably  froxen  in  his  winter  quarters. 
And  here  are  two  of  the  birds— for  Sir  Jooif  Ross  took  two  pair  with 
him-again  in  Scotland.  They  have  been  examined  by  Propemor  Mac- 
XAJiTA> CLAN,  the  distinguished  Glasgow  philosopher,  and  he  considers 
that  they  evince  unmist.ikeablc  .\vmptoms  of  having:  been,  for  some 
time,  domesticated  with  the  Esquimaux;  the  birds  picking  up  bits  of 
chopped  tallow  candles  with  hyperborean  gusto.  He  naa  moreover  tried 
theru  with  a  water  ice,  which  thpy  relishccTmost  raiucingly.  No  drive  of 
a  young  lady  after  her  twentieth  quadrille,  oould  have  taken  it  more 
prettily.  The  birds  Imve  become  national  pets,  and  with  very  great  reason. 
SootUnd  has  cause  to  be  proud  of  them  ;  inasmuch  as  they  have 
beautifully  demolished  a  most  ungenerous  prejudice.  And  for  this,  the 
birds  are  lod  upon  the  sweetest  of  sweetpeas  every  day»  with  a  sprinkling 
of  pepperoorus  on  Sundays  and  holidaVs.  Further,  when  the  pii^eoas 
die,  tncy  will  be  stuffed  and  presenrra  under  domes  of  crjataL,  and 
treasured  in  the  future  Mu^uui  of  Edinburgh;  as  real,  onmtstakeable 
evidence  of  tlic  patriotic  fiu:t,  that  natives  of  SootUod,  once  flitted  Crom 
their  home,  kave  been  known— and  that  of  their  own  free  will— to 
return  to  it. 


AN  EXAMPLE  FOR  PEERS 


Tux  excellent  Earl  or  Carlisle  is  about,  in  an  especial  manner^  to 
mdicate  the  value  of  his  order.  He  has  taxeu  upon  himself  the  task 
of  teacher :  the  schoolmaster  with  the  coronet.  He  is  about  to  deliver 
two  lectures,  in  the  Mechanics'  lustitute,  at  X^eeds:  one,  "<^  the 
Poetrv  of  Pope  *'  the  other  on  the  Stripes  and  Stars,  that  is,  ou  hi* 
Lordsnip's  travels  in  America. 

There  is  little  doubt  that  his  Lordship's  example  will  be  followed  by 
his  brother  Peers,  Spiritual  and  Temporal.  M'e  prophetically  sec,  in 
our  mind's  eye,  the  radiant  5ylKbu.s.    Thus : 

"On  the  Virtues  of  Primitive  Hospitality,  as  exercised  in  Scotch 
Glens,"  by  the  Ddke  oe  Atuoll. 

"  On  Church  Candles ;  abowing  how  you  maVi  ^th  tbe  same  breath, 
blow  them  out.  and  blow  them  in  again,"  by  Chahlkb  James,  Biahop 
of  London. 

"On  Needleworks  of  Charity  by  the  English  Nous  of  1S50,"  by 
ILE5BT,  Bishop  of  Exeter. 

'*  Ou  the  Tailors  of  London,  with  a  song,  humoroosly  tietting  for<h 
thenricetof  tho  cheapest;  written  by  tbe  Sweet  Goose  of  IIound»- 
dit^"  by  the  Marquis  or  WRSTKntSTSB. 


HUMBLE  PIE;  OR,  THE  PREBOER  AND  THE  CARDINAL. 


Hi  9tut 


Aift. 


Card,  and 
Prem. 


J  One  of  us  lads  must  eat  humble  pie ; 

1  Which  will  it  be,  you  or  I  ? 

Carti.  Which  of  the  two  ? 
rrem.  You,  Sir.  you. 
Carti.  What,  I,  Sir?    I  ?    Prem.  Yes,  you.  Sir,  jou. 
Ctird.  Not  L  but  you-    Frtm.  Not  you,  bat  1? 


Cara.  Yes.  j< 
Prem.  Not  I 


ou- 


Cijrrf.  Not  you  f 
Prria.  No!  you. 
Card,  i?    Prcnt.  \ou.    Card.  You.    Pnrm.ll    Card.W    i^viii.  You! 
Card,  You! 
Prem.  You! 

{Well,  we  shall  see,  by-and-by. 
M^bich  is  the  boy  to  eat  humble  pie. 


Boik 


Tho  BaggeBtlona  of  '*  Stop  Thief.*' 

Mr.  Georub  CnuriuiiAKK  has  written  a  little  pamphlet  called 
"Stop  Thief,"  containing  some  suggestions  for  securing  our  doon 
and  windows,  which  are  ao  well  adapted  to  the  end  iu  view^  that  we 
will  not  quarrel  with  Mr.  CritiksiiaKIC  for  omiuing  to  explain  how,  if 
our  windows  are  shut  against  thieves,  it  is  possible  tliat  we  can  be  on 
the  look  out  for  them.         

Advice  to  Posetite  Parsons.— You  had  better  not  remftin  iu  u 
establishment  which,  although  it  finds  you  clothes,  rictoals,  and  coals, 
can  by  no  means  nfford  you  candles. 


I 

I 
I 
I 


yoL.xix.-iN5t». 


334 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARL 


BUSINESS  ANT  THE  BAYONET, 

T  BlrmiDgbam  the  Ijunb  has 
looked  into  t.lie  cannon's  mouth; 
the  Peace  Society  baa  had  h 
meeting.  The  dove  liaa  eajoed 
and  cooed,  luid  the  prorinf-' 
house  has  re-echoed  ^tb  the 
bAu^-baTi^  of  fire^anns.  Men 
have  listened  to  the  old  meta- 
phor that  crooks  the  s^oM  into 
the  sickle,  and  then  went  away 
to  forge  new  aworda  the  next 
morning.  And  this  proved, 
ou^ht  not  the  peace  orntors 
to  be  all  the  prouder  of  their 
andience?  Are  we  to  cxpe<:t  the 
swnrd'Smiths  of  Birmmffhfim, 
aad  aE  the  other  artiiicers  who 
make  of  iron  the  inslrumenla 
of  rigony  and  death,  to  renounce 
their  trade  in  order  to  prove 
their  hatred  of  aggressive  war? 
Are  they  to  starve,  that  they 
may  practically  protest  against 
a  system  that,  wirliin  the  last 
two  years,  according'  to  Ada, 
CoBDEN»  has  burthened  the  na- 
lions  of  the  Contincntwitb  deblia 
and  losses  to  the  amount  of 
bro  hundred  millions?  Do  the  legialatora  of  the  civilised  world 
demand  such  sacrifices  of  the  workers  I  It  is  to  pay  their  virtue  some- 
what too  hard  a  couiplinieut.  NeTcrtbeless,  thfit  the  queatioa  of  Peace 
should  be  debated  in  Birmmgbam,  the  nrscnal — debated  to  approving 
thousands— mivrks  thtj  stctvdv  ad\Tmce  of  the  pacific  principle.  The 
Kunsmillis,  though  Vmnz  bj  the  trade  of  war,  did  not  exclaim 
Down  with  SrtmGSand  Cobden!  Great  is  the  Belloua  of  Bir 
minKham ! " 

Mb,  Cobdek  T^ry  happily  tore  to  tatters  the  miserable  sophism,  tbat 
it  waa  jufitifiable  to  make  war,  in  order  to  increase  commerce— to  pii^h 
biiBbess  at  the  point  of  the  bayonet.  Commerce,  it  is  tmPj  haa  fnllov.^J 
war;  nevertheless^  we  would  not  have  an  Eu^count  opened  even  with 
Japan  with  howitzers.  Bayonets  work  an  u^ly  kind  of  treble  entry* 
nor  would  we  have  that  Manchester  dream  fujfilled,  that  virion  that 
shows  that  every  Chinaman  in  n  night^cap  of  cotton  \s  to  be  realised  by 
the  percussion  caps  ot  English  infantry.  And  vet,  evidently,  there  arc 
commereial  men  tpho  btbevc  that,  with  the  foreigTicri  the  beat  and 
Bhar(Kst  of  bargfdns  may  be  made  with  the  sword,  stropped  on  the 
bindm^  of  a  hdgr.r. 

Nevertheless,  the  writer  in  Chamiters's  I/^ormatioit^ihe  essayist 
chaatisod  by  Cohden— has  opened  a  grand  idea  that,  if  not  to  be 
carried  out  m  Japan  by  meana  of  seventy-foura^  soldiers  and  marines 
may,  in  r  small  negree,  he  familiarised  to  us  in  London,  or  even  in 
ikkuburgh.  What  it  is  lawf^il  for  armies  tfl  do  in  order  to  force  trade, 
it  majF.  for  the  benefit  of  our  imports  and  c^iport^,  he  allowable  to 
indivmuai  Erms  and  shop-keepers.  For  inataoce,  Jjondon  neit  suuimer 
will  be  thronged  with  foreiRncra— many  of  them  possibly  as  wilfully 
obtuse  to  the  eteellenctea  of  our  ntanuTftCtures,  as  are  the  Japane^je  to 
our  Tery  thickest  Whitoev  blanketSi  and  our  best-finished  sJ^ate^, 
"Why,  theo,  should  not  the  Kessbs.  Noaes — for  the  civilising  benefits 
of  trade — be  permitted  to  have  a  company  of  their  own,  in  uniforms  of 
their  own  shade  and  pattern  a  corpa  of  the  IsraelovskyX  (old 
SuwAJLROW  once  formed  such  abody),  who,  without  a  wordj  should  lay 
hold  upon  any  foreigner,  and  carrying  him  to  their  Mart,  command  him 
to  g:et  rid  at  once  of  his  cash  ana  his  barbarian  i^oranee  ?  Why 
should  they  not  compel  him  to  be  measured,  and  there  pay  down  the 
money  for  the  half-doKeu  suits  of  clothes,  considered  barely  dcccrit— 
the  savage— for  his  necfssitiesP  What  would  he  rif^lit  in  .Tn[>an,  would 
be  no  less  right  fn  the  Ghetto  of  the  Minories— what  lawful  with  the 
edge  of  the  sword,  no  less  lawful  at  the  point  of  the  needle  'f 

Again,  with  the  wejiker  sex.  Let  iia  have  corps  of  lig:ht  linendraperB, 
of  lancermerocrs.of  hussar  jewellers,  skirmiuhing  the  streets  of  London, 
and — for  the  civilisation  and  enlightenment  of  foreiffu  women^et  Ihem 
compel  her  to  take,  and  iier  husband  to  pay  for— ^jr  if  a  spinster,  lier 
pareat  or  guardian — flay  quaotity  of  muslins.,  silks,  velvets,  pearls  and 
oiaiDondg,  Poor  creatures  I  With  no  taste,  no  desire  for  such  raiment 
and  finery— what  real  benefit  will  be  ciercised,  by  the  compulsfon  that 
makes  them  customei^  ? 

U  appears  a  PeftM  Congress  will  be  held  in  the  Crysf^  Palace.  Why 
not?  ^Ve  take  foreign  Princes  to  show  them  rocket  practice  in 
Woolwich  Marshes :  let  forei^jn  peoples,  with  the  world's  works  of 
ueace  before  them,  listen  to  words  that  shall  preach  a  world-wide  amity, 
Ijet  them,  in  that  gloss  hive,  consider  that  they  ktc  all  of  the  same 
huraaii  swarm,  create  mutuaUy  to  Uboiar,  and  oot  to  destroy. 


HOUSEHOLD  SONGS.— THE  TEA  SERTTCE, 


No.  l.-Tbe  Song  of  the  Teapot. 

TheIk  eobleta  of  silverp  their  vases  of  gold. 

Let  pleasure  and  luiury  boast : 
To  tbe  teapot  alone  will  philosophy  hold^ 

And  bread  will  be  ever  its  toast. 

Yea  1    ^Tis  in  the  teapot  life  *s  tyw!  may  be  seen. 

Reflection  should  on  it  be  £xea ; 
Esiatence  is  neither  all  black  nor  all  sjeeru 

Oar  joya  and  oui  sorrows  are  roii'd. 

From  the  depths  of  the  teapot  thfve'a  plenty  to  leam, 

How  adversity  profit  may  brins ; 
Tor  at  tea-time  the  kettle  ^tJI  bid  us  discern 

How  in  sijile  of  hot  water  to  sing. 

No.  2.— Tbe  Sotig  of  tbe  Su^ar  Basin. 

Hoatn— roara  for  years  from  flower  to  £ower, 

I'hou,  idly  busy  bee ! 
Thau  canst  not  match  with  all  tby  power 

Tlie  sweets  enclosed  by  me. 

With  prejudice  I  am  not  bliiid; 

The  tungar^  T  conteJn, 
Tf  to  the  tea  alone  connn*dj 

Were  sweety  alas !  in  vain. 

No !  With  the  generous  grog  1  *il  blend, 

As  with  the  sober  tea : 
For  sociality,  a  friend 

Will  ever  find  in  me. 

Ko-  3.— Tbe  Song  of  the  KiUt  Jug 

I  know  I  am  a  mockery, 

I  liatc  my  very  name ; 
Into  the  world  of  crockery 

1  know  not  how  I  earne. 
A  milk  ju^  is  an  article 

They  rni^ht  as  well  put  down 
For,  on  !  there  'a  not  a  particle 

Of  genuine  milk  in  towB. 

Far  better  to  have  ariven  me 

A  name  t  could  a^rve. 
Than  cruelly  have  driven  me 

From  truth's  bright  path  to  swerve  ; 
For  when  of  milk  jn^s  tripninarly 

1  hear  them  round  me  tiuk^ 
There  trickle  down  me  drippioffly 

Tears  of  dilated  chalk. 

Oh^  how  I  hate  hypocrisy ! 

W<m]d  [  could  place  myself 
In  tbat  calarged  aemCcracy^ 

The  ^orlil  of  commoti  delf. 
Although  to  fine  inm-crackery 

'Tifi  fated  I  belong; 
No  matter — " Down  viith  quackery" 

Shall  ever  be  my  song. 


PUNCH  SNEERING  AT  PEACEMAKERS! 

At  the  late  meeting  of  the  Peace  Congress,  at  Birmingham-  u 
reported  in  the  limejf,  the  Rev.  Angel  Jakes,  Independent  preacher, 
in  rising  to  move  Ibc  first  reaalutioUr  said—' 

"  punek  mlghL  Ai««r,  kod  tha  Tmet  mijfht  tbuuder  at  tfawn,** 

The  Timif  might  **  thunder "  at  tlic  Peace  Congress,  if  it  did  not 

E refer  quixzing^  it,    Fttnek  mTH:ht  sneer  at  the  advocates  of  Pe-ue.  wertJ 
e  to  reverse  the  course  which  be  baa  hitherto   alwaya  adopted,  of 
encouragrng"  them. 

Either  the  Rev.  Mb.  Angel  Jaices  has  never  read  Pvttdt  or  the 
Times,  or  cl&e  he  is  unable  to  dij^tinguiah  betweeji  banter  and  tbtrnder^ 
and  between  sneering  and  patroru^.  * 

The  Rev.  Ajs&el  James,  Independent  preacher,  ought  not  to  pceach 
quite  so  indepecdenlly  of  fact. 


TH£  EED  lujr  nr  uioLAin). 


Thi  Popb»  it  has  been  said,  set  in  movement  the  !at«  revocations  on 
the  Continent.  In  his  lately  appointed  Cardinal,  be  hv  BcaQt  ma  %  Kei 
Man  who  is  likely  to  ercate  a  ^n^cieut  disturbance  hefifc  '-      '-  ^'   ^^i' 


I 

■ 

I 


I 

■ 

t 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI 


235 


TELEGRAPHIC  TARADIDDLES. 

iTKcn  ifl  far  from  wishing  to  und-^-v-  ' 
value  of  the  TeleftupU,  r-r  to  d 
entorprising   epirit    of  the  ne>^.,    ,        ,: 
prictors,  who  ktep  steamers  »itb  their  stt'iim 
perpetually  up  in  the  Boulogne  Harbtmr : 
nna  an  ciprcu  train  alw»y»  iu  rep-diiie-ss  ut 
Folkstonc,  to  brini^  to  London  the    Utest 

Coii'i' '  -"wv;  but  it    MiJ!  occiLsionally 

hap,  jrit  ia  not  worth  the  candle, 

or  r.'i'  iiis  consumrd  in  keepin:;  up 

Uie  tlroa  of  Uiu  eiiKiiiea.    On  rnahing  ca^^crly 
lo  the   hehdinj?  of    "Second"    or    "Third, 
Kdition  "  in  n  morning  paper,  our  curiosity  i 
and  excitement  are  oficn  dwimed  to  be  rc[)Aid 
by  such  iiit/'ih.'^n,-..  «w  ft,,  following: — 

"It  Wi.  X   I'aris  when  our 

express  h-h  icd  no  prospL'et  of 

the  weather  okariua  up  very  speedily.  The 
President  of  the  Republic  was  still  at  the 
Elys^  aud  &  proposition  was  just  beinjr  made  in  the  National  Assembly, 
lo  allow  leave  of  absfince  to  Mo>MtCB  BfcTisr,  who  represents  a  dis- 
lant  departuient-  Nothing  grave  wa*  atfached  to  this  incident;  and 
though  Iher*)  were  a  few  speculators  banjfiug  aljoul  the  PoMut&t  4it^ 
fOpera^  prices  were  not  Rttected,  Fmni  rtf'rm.'tT^y,  anys  our  rorro- 
roondcnt,  there  is  abtQlumeni  rien—'  i  i:;^— "uulesa"  he 

adds,    "the  fact   of  feveral    Hes«t'.i  seen  to  walk   in 

pairs    through    the    streets,    may    »r    ■umiu    imticstiug    by    your 
readers." 

"  We  le&m  from  anotoer  source  that  Austria  remains  where  it  did,  and 
Prussia's  po&ilioa  on  the  map  of  Europe,  has  not  yet  been  modified." 

Of  course  our  daily  contemporaries,  when  they  have  hired  an  express 
train,  diartercd  a  steamer  to  rcnmin  (ihvnys  with  her  steam  np,  and 
prepared  to  start,  whether  there  is  anything  worth  starlinK  for  or  not — 
of  course,  we  say,  our  contemporaries  must  give  somethinj^  by  wav  of 
news,  uoder  the  bead  of  their  second  or  third  editions;  but  we  oe^ 
leaTe  to  suggest  in  a  truly  friendly  spirit,  that  wo  think  the  greater 
part  of  the  information  contnined  in  these  editions,  would  keep  ex- 
tremely well  for  a  few  hours,  and  the  cost  of  a  newspaper  fleet  with 
newBpi^jer  express  tr»ius,  might  iu  great  part  at  least  be  dispeuaod 
with. 


Stiifff  {vifh  offrn^rti  dignity.  Well,  *m — I  *m  sure  it 's  no  bu«inr.«s  of 
mine" — I  \  111  [Sk""!  '   ■  '    ■  "■\>*g*. 

bout  the  tap  of  !he  beer.  Mmn  ^ 
'-<■'.    wtM.u   t;.fi.  .'>.., ^.   t^irl— no — ab'Kit  the  burglars.     I 

iarcu't  go  to  bed — no  wan  in  ihc  hou>c,  t4-o 

/."'V/V.  nietf's  Scaly  Jok,  'ni,  as  drives  the  fish-oift* 

n^t  ho«  -,  p*rai«i  he  wouldn't  mind 

iih).  Oh,  ftik  liim. 
S  i)il.  t't»r  w^  r«rt,  I  dou't  bcHrvc  'arf  that  goes 
—to  he  sure,  wl.cn  lie 'a  iu  li{juoi 1 


1 

s 

agin 


SCENES  FROM  THE  LIFE  OF  AN  EX-UNPRO- 
TECTED  FEMA1.E. 

Mr.  Joirn  u  ffom  Aam«>.  Off  a  joum^.  Mbs.  Jokes  iV  l^  in  their  box 
nmr  Oropmmy  icUA  SjULt,  (^  kouwmaid,  and  Waadi^,  /V  cook, 
without  ft  man  \n  (hf  hou^a,  find  "ail  ikfte  oMftil  bmghri^ going  on 

aU  otrr  the  country** 

Time,  rrom  9  r.  M.  till  8  a.  m. 

Scajtx.— TV  Ex-Ukpeotected  Feualb'b  Sitiing-Room.    Sally  tahng 
aipay  tkt  tfatKingt. 

Er-UnproiecUd  FmaU.  Any  more  of  those  horrid  tramps  to-day, 
Raui  ? 
.V.:.V(/.  Please  *m  a  nastjr  UirtaUwoman,  in  a  grey  cloak. 

■ted  {m^tmo$uip).    Dear  me!     Are  you  sure  it  letu  a 
w<  \?      ^ 

/y).  Well,  'm,  I  think  it  was,  she  used  such  bad  language 
« I  i\  for  a  drink  of  water  for  the  child,  and  I  told  her  to  go 

ft"  come  n-tnimpin  *cre. 

■/(*J.  Oh,  dcAr!  it's  dreadful  to  be  left  kIodc  this  wav, 
.s  /)    Thry  do  any  Mr.  Trk.acle's  shop  was  'trmptril  last 

nielli—;  ,  jou  kn"w,  "m,  where  we  has  our  things— on'y  begot 

up  luid  '  .1  dotr,  and  tboy  run  away. 

/     '  '    ''        '     '  '         '        -■  ,   ^r  imitation  qf  a  dog 

V  :is! 

, Lliey're  a-lurkln*  in  the 

m  I  Oman  was  oru;  of 'em. 

■t  gracious  !     Hold  your  tongue, 
S\  'W  cftu  yuu  Uiik  50  y— when  you  know  there's  not  a  man 

ill 


'■■■'-    Ah,  that's  it,  'm,  now  Mr.  Jowm  is  away, 
'l!  L«  was  sayin',  ou'y  last  mght,  'm — sci  she, 

"  I  '■.  "  A\o  uwzVa  \ir  rubbered  and  mur ' 

f.').  And  the  bell-ropes  cat — 
and  uulioJj  uc\cr  uu  wiser  lur  U,  tUi  sUe  didn't  call  us  in  the  nioroing, 
aud — 

Ex'Unprotectfd.  Sally— 1  declare  it's  dreadful  to  hear  you.    Hold 
your  tongue — do. 


not  by  no 
,i_L  he'd  be 


7 


Of  cnuric  not,  you  stupid'ffirl. 

'  wrlliin  arir  a  mile  of  ns — and  I  'm 


ia,  dear!  wc  won't  have  u  thief  and  a  drunkard  in 
tbf  '.Y. 

*v  ff^tlly).  No, 'm— there's  Da rrr,  from  the  woikus,  that 

clcaub  the  knt\irs  >omctirocs,  and  weeda  the  JTorden — he  was  'avin'  his 
supper — I  tliink  lie  cmi't  have  larot  ont  of  the  huiu  vei. 

,s 

men  -..V  :..  - .j^^.   :\..'..  .....     .  -... 

mii< 

&ilJj/.  Ucll, 
sure,  'm,  1  ain  i  v. 

Er.f/np    '    '  "•    -f    V    dreadful— SaJLLY 

{mui/Hy  •■  arv  thai  all  tho 

bells  are  '  i   «oro*«  all  th© 

passages,  and  the  crackers  in  the  pauiry.  and  iho  driouatiug  detector 

on  the  back  d<«ir ;    and,   SArir.  1  tbinV  if  you  were  to  put  one  of 

Mr.  JoN>  '  iek   it  up  the  wash-house 

chimney,  ^, 

.9-  '••'  ^'v./..  ».<..  ..^/»/;.,.....»  iipa^and  otker  tjfmptomi  (jT 

grr..  V(»,  'm. 

/                   '•'/  [ttmck  bp  a  briakt  idea).  And.  Saxly,  bring  mo  the 

DlNNKU-litLL.       I  'II  tjdiC  it  tO  btO  Willi  mc  ! 

S,ii!f  tjumpino  ai  Ihtt  iwHoh).  Oh  yes,  *m ;  and  if  the  burglars  gets 
in,  ..I  '    ,    ',    .         r  IhtII 

/  .ragojtttl^).  You  can  rush  to  my  ossistnnoe. 

iS'.j..-    ...■ I  i76a4^t).  Ub, 'm,  then  w«' M  "-'Z  iv '""rrl..r<«d. 

Kc'i/npro(''ctcd  ito  trkom  the  vuion  of  a  In;  -r  ofcwrt). 

Oh,  dear!  Oh,  dear!     Sally,  you're  a  wiei.^  'uJi  things 

into  one's  head.     I  never  did  hear  any  one  talk  mj. 

SaUy  [argnaumtativrt^).  Well,  'm,  it  ranU  in  wt  use,  me  and  Waudlb 
oomin?,  now  can  it/'m  ? 

&r.fJnprotrc/^d.  Tlien,  what  it  the  good  of  my  going  to  bed  with  tho 
bell.  Sally  f 

iSaUp.  (>h,  'm,  when  we  'ear  it>,  we  Ml  know  what's  'appened,  and 
wc  can  run  away,  or  scream  out  ot  the  front  winders. 

Kr-llnprotectea  Oh^  dear!  Oh,  dear  I  \Smiieke$  up  her  badroom 
cuHfilf,  hioKx  out  thf  oth^r  lights^  and  mtkf4  tap  to  kn  bedroom  in  a» 
unuttetubU  ogon^  t^t^tfror). 

rScBNE  rhdHget  to  the  Bed-room  qf  the  Ex-Untrotectkd.    She  hs$ 

'  r  ni^hf  toiU-ttr  iti  ntt  unpr'-c^dentcdl^  akort  ftmr,  and 

:  r^riMff  Hfith  terror  vitdrr  thf  bedclothet.    Thr  dinner- 

'  ■      pillote  b^-fide  hrr  head,  rurrjf  much  in  tJw  ntiice 

^v  t/ig  ntght-cap  of  Mb.  Jomes.    A  nunlighi 

It ->.....; uth. 

Ejt-Unproieeted  (iotiloqminng  at  inieroalM).  Oh,  it's  too  bad  of  Mm. 
JoNft5  to  bo  from  home  at  these  dreadful  times — I  wonder  what  the 
Magistrates  are  about — and  the  Police— I  'm  sure  we  pav  t:ixea  rtiMui-'h 
— and  to  thiuk  oue  CAu't  sleep  conifortahlv  in  one's  own  nous;',  without 
cxitcctintr  to  get  up  some  morninf; — ugh ! — {M^ttddfra—putt  hrr  hand 
ugaintf  the  cold  b^ii) — Oh — gracious  ! — what  *s  that  ? — (tfart^  ha!f  ttp) 
-Oh,  it's  tiiftt  horrid  bell.  I'll  get  the  gardener — to  sleep— in  tfic 
kitchen — to-morrow — a — ^p'rhaps  a  dog  would  Ix*  best — if  ther  wouldn't 
go  umd,  and — they  're — always — getting — stolen — and  rewards  are  so — 

rer — y — hca — vy — sno-r-r-h — sno-r-r-h — sno-r-r-r-r-r-r-li 

[iVJfe  dosej  off  inf"  "  'Z^^^.-.  Snud,  ptottUd  Kith  burgtan,  MU.  wuut- 

trope,  uprtH;.  '   fnifn,    MR.  JONEa,  SCALY  JOE,   GUBaM* 

ACRE,  and  ('>  '.U. 

Enier  a  Domestic  Monse.  areotnpanied  fy  Au  little  ^milg,  eautioutlg 
rroM  the  tltirtinff'Soard. 

Mr,  Jlfoiw,  temor.  Patter — patter— palter — pip— pip— pi— pi— 

iTr-otfinp  to  thf  ruehli^hi. 
The  Ma»t0n  and  Mii»e»  Miee  (rareering  ohont  on  /*•  tioptd*).    Pirri- 
pirri-pirri-pir 

[Kx-Unpbotbcted    9t(trt»  np  at  the  point  in    her   dream   where 

Ma.  Jose*  v  -'- /■—  -■"• >  /■• 

holding  her  •! 

Mr.  MoM»e,  tem'or  {•■  .■  '.".'.    4  »i- 

a-pitt«r 


ftnd  the  dinner-bell  u 
'ration. 

.  —  patter— pit-a-pat — 


[Sh  $etse»  the  dinnrr-Mi,  and  gttes  a  tremendout  peoi^  imnngipg  out 
qf  bed  at  the  tattm  mom&nt.  H/r  foot  aitchet  ttt  the  trirc  that 
eommunieatex  with  the  bell  <m  the  nhutters^  tphieh  rinpx.  The 
maidi  have  rush^  out  of  their  room  at  the  xound  qf  Sett  JS'^o.  1, 
and  flying  through  the  paitoffrs,  «/  a-ringing  oil  the  belU  lehote 
teire*  they  $tumbU  oter  in  their  terror.  The  Ml-icirt$  com- 
municata   with  the  detonating  detectors,  which  explode  in  ail 


dtrecttont.  The  servantt  scream  out  of  the  front  windom.  1%$ 
Ex-Ukprotbctbd  keeps  ringing  her  Ml  in  the  mdst  qf  ik$ 
hubbub,  convinced  that  all  is  lost,  while  the  Rais  and  Jtfiar.  Ut 
tttnoceni  cause  <f  all  the  diitwrbance,  tconder  whet  the  dtsim  u 
the  meaning  qf  the  row.  and  cower  in  their  hol^  onl$  am  dfpm 
less  frightened  than  the  £x-UnpboTZCTSD  FzHAJJE.  Stms 
closes. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LOXDON  CHARIVARL 


RULES  FOR  THK  PREVENTION  OF  THE  PKOMISED 
PLAGUE  NEXT  YEiK. 

Tub  argumentB  of  the  old  women,  and  that  of  serenl  nevsp^wrs 
ftdvocftting  the  fears  of  the  avno  doss,  that  the  mTaaion  of  foreigner? 
next  year  is  sure  to  be  followed  by  ft  second  Plft^e  of  IjOndon,  are  so 
convincing  thnt  we  are  f^lod  to  hear  some  measures  are  at  ta«t  to  be 
taken  for  the  prevention  of  the  eril.  A  ouanuitine  iriU  be  established, 
by  which  every  foreigner  will  be  compelied  to  remain  eight-and-forty 
hours  in  some  place  of  salubrity  before  he  is  aUofwed  to  cnt«r  the 
Metropolis.  We  rejoice  to  state,  that  Hfrne  Bay  has  been  one  of  the 
places  honoured  with  selection.  A  suppleaientary  Board  of  Health  is 
also  to  be  institufed,  for  the  examination  of  all  foreigners.  For  carry- 
ing out  this  sanitary  purpose,  they  are  to  be  invested  vrith  the  most 
■earcliing  powers. 

The  following  arc  a  few  of  the  rules,  unanimously  agreed  upon,  for 
their  gnidance  m  this  delicate  matter: — 

1.  That  every  Ifrencliiiiftn  is  to  be  washed  from  head  to  foot  before 
entering  I^ondon.  Par  this  purpose,  Forriffn  Batlu  and  Wathhoute*  are 
to  be  established  in  every  suburb  round  the  Metropolis. 

9.  That  no  German  is  to  ho  allowtd  admission  into  "the  first  city  in 
the  world  "  {tht  terui  geurraUj  used  at  all  the  London  dinners),  unless 
bo  can  prove  possession  uf  at  least  six  shirts,  as  many  stockongs,  aod 
two  clrau  collars. 

3.  Tliat  two  pounds  of  yellow  soap  will  be  presented  to  evcrv 
foreigner,  without  favour  or  distinction,  honouring  the  metropolis  with 
his  presence  next  year.  For  this  purpose,  n  **ForeiffM^i  CharituhU 
Soap  FHH'i"  will  be  instan'ty  instituted,  and  subscriptions  are  urgently 
solicited  for  the  carrying  out  of  Ihit  Itencvoh-nt  idea. 

♦  TImt  every  foreigner  must  bring  a  crrtificate  of  pood  health  from 
hid  medical  man,  signed  aitd  witnrss<-d  bv  the  clergv-man  of  hia  parish. 

6.  That  no  foreiguer  will  be  admittea  into  London,  under  any  pre- 
tence whatever,  unless  he  can  prove,  by  authentic  marks  about  his 
person,  that  he  has  been  varcitiated, 

6.  That  camphor-hags  will  be  given  away  twice  a-week  in  Hyde  Park, 
to  all  suspicions  foreigners,  and  that  placards  will  be  printed  in  every 
language  of  the  worid  and  largely  distributed  in  the  neighbourhood  of 
the  Exhibition,  warning  all  easy  confiding  foreigners,  as  they  value 
their  lives,  against  the  purchase  of  any  Patent  I^e'PUU. 

With  these  stringeot  precautions  it  is  to  be  hoped  that  the  evil  will 
have  less  room  and  less  chiince  of  displaying  itself:  and  that  if  the 
Plague  should  break  out.  at  all  events  that  we  shall  nave  every  renifdy 
already  prepared  to  enable  us  to  arrest  it  at  once  in  its  fatal  progress. 
AVitli  these  inspiriting  prospects,  old  women  mav  remain  in  Loudon 
during  the  memorable  year  of  1S51,  with  (under  tue  alarming  circum- 
stauoes)  the  greatest  possible  amount  of  safety. 


CHANGE  FOR  A  BULL. 

"Dear  PinJCH, 

"TiliRKare  some  people  in  Enjdand  who  think  MB-WtsEMAlf 
right ;  and  that  we  ought  not  to  be  in  iiuy  way  angry  because  the  Popx 
chooses  to  dip  a  Britisli  subject  in  Cardinal  scarlet,  conferring  on  him  a 
title,  without  consulting  an  English  Potentate  upon  that  very  trifling 
matter. 

"  Very  well.  But  if  these  good,  easy  people  be  as  right  as  they  are 
good  and  easy,  let  them  allow  IIeb  Majesty  QoEry  Victoria  a  little 
bit  of  fair  plav.  .\nd  permit  me  to  make  this  proposition  to  the  QtracN's 
Council  Table;  a  proposition  that,  uo  douhr,  wdl,  in  the  rightful  spirit 
of  retaliatiou,  be  duly  adopted.  It  is  simply  this  (to  be  strengthened 
by  a  public  petition). 

"  Let  the  Queen  be  prayed  to  create  SioifOR  BiAZznri  President  of 
Rome ;  conferring  other  corresponding  dignities  on  his  adherents  and 
foUowen. 

*'  I  beg  farther  to  recommend  that  Hsa  Majmtt  be  petitioned  to  use 
her  kinoly  offices  with  the  French  President,  that  ho  may  cause  to  be 
withdrawn  the  French  forces  from  the  Roman  Capital 

"I  am  no  casuist,  Mr.  Pvneh—l  am  no  polemic- 1  am  no  Revolu- 
tionist—but this  I  am— 

"A  LovEB  oj  Faib  Plat." 


The  Wiseman  Paradise. 


N.  Wiseman  speaks  of  the  "Uttle  Paradise"  that,  under  the  in- 
fluence of  his  Church,  might  be  all  around  Westminster  Abbey  P  Thrrc 
can  remam  uo  doubt  of^the  fact  upon  every  iust  aud  reflecting  mind 
that  has  beheld  the  perfect  Eden  that  liea  all  about  St.  Peter's  at  Kome. 


BUHOrS  AKD   L0B8TXM. 


<  Tmnut  is  no  doubt  that  some  bbhops  mav  bear  an  affinity  to  lobsters. 
Take  the  Buhop  of  Exeteb  as  an  example.  He  was  so  long  in  hot 
water,  that  he  began  to  turn  a  little  soarlet. 


NEW  STYLE  OF  REVIEW  IN  HYDE  PARK. 

It  is  undcntood  that  the  Great  Exhibition  to  be  held  next  year  m 
Hyde  Park,  will  he  iiunceeded  by  an  indeJUiite  series  of  similar  exhibi- 
liomL  in  the  same  I  '  *  ■  Tlte.se,  howevrr,  will  consist  eiclnsively  in 
the  display  of  the  ;  uf  native  industry.     A  stronv  impression 

is  supposed  to  h[)\i  .ated  m  a  high  quarter,  by  the  following 

remarks  which  fell,  the  other  day,  from  Mb.  Bbiobt: — 

"  If  the  roluivM  at  »  Prince— Ui  aU  tiM  relfttlocu  ttt  lUh  an  «mUblc  and  mjihf 
fntiUoouwi,  aiuldBMrviiiK  ofhlfti  rwpwt — Tlilteil  tUi  oouab7,  what uDtuvmoQU  war* 
olbradr    A  nrlew  lu  Hydfl  Pkrlc" 

The  absurdity  of  treating  our  illustrious  visitors  to  a  game  of  soldiet^ 
as  a  matter  of  course,  as  if  warfare  were  necessaritythe  most  interesting 
subject  to  all  princes,  it  is  said,  has  been  rrconused.  The  peroeption 
has  been  arrived  at,  that  to  show  a  King,  or  other  royal  person,  a  jham 
fight,  intended  to  divert  him  as  such,  implie*  the  fls«nm[>tion  that  com- 
bativrncss  and  destructivencss  must  be  iIk  '  m  his  ln»ad; 

that  he  must  pro  about  in  a  state  of  pugniir  '  san^minary 

pniricnce — itching  to  instigate  charges  i  o  tling 

shrapnel-shrlU  anu  gmpo-ahul,  burnina  lu  m1,  and 

to  IcAd  on  niank'nd  l4)  hack,  hew.  cut.  thni-i  -simile. 

To  pay  this  siM-cics  uf  polite  atteutiun,  it  has  bctn  discovered,  is  equi- 
vrvlrnt  to  intim^tin?  thnt  the  genius  of  Royalty  is  that  of  the  Koyal 
tiger,  and  that  the  '  :tge  is  ihc  nature  of  the  beast. 

lu  >b<irt.,  it.  i»i  lU'  i  rhat  to  cxhil)it  h  Review  lo  a  Kniff  "^r  a 

Prince  involves  pi:.......   ..;.   same  compUiii*.'iit  that  you  would  pay  a 

genltfuiaii  by  eetlinc;  up  a  dog-figbt  'or  his  aniu»eni'*iit.  In  future, 
therefore,  all  the  Reviews  held  in  Hyde  Park,  or  elsewhere,  for  the 
entertainment  <>(  our  roval  guests  will  be  Reviews  of  Industry,  in 
cuprpssion  of  the  principle  that  the  Mclfarc  of  nations  is  the  chief 
consideration  nf  rulers.  Tlip  illustriou*!  prrsonrures  whom  the  Qi.'ken 
shall  dehglit  to  housur,  will  be  enterta.ineu  mth  a  trrund  muster  of  the 
trades;  a  muster  to  be  associated  with  no  roll  but  llie  haker's.  with  no 
flies  but  those  of  artisans.  It  is  now  seen  that  we  fifcht.  merely  as  we 
punish,  from  stem  necessity,  not  for  "glory;"  and  that,  if  we  arc  to 
ptirnde  our  troops  and  weapons  of  war.  we  might  just  as  well  ahow 
off  our  Jack  KsTCiiEa  and  gibbets. 


I 
I 

4 


A  PHYSICAL  rORCE  PAPIST. 


Dobs  anybody  know  what  has  become  of  poor  little  Cuffy  f  Has 
lie  seen  the  error  of  seditious  ways,  and  the  improprietv  of  explosive 
bottles?  Has  he  reconciled  himself  to  Ukb  Majesty's  Nlinis'ers,  ami 
to  Govemmeut  in  genciat,  and  obtained  a  ticket  of  leave,  and  how  is 
he.  and  does  be  get  as  much  as  he  crtn  dispose  of  for  dinner  P  Is  be  aa 
reo  as  he  was,  or  a  little  puler — in  his  views  as  well  as  in  his  features  ? 

The  Popb's  mod  Hull  now  running  loose,  and  quite  anoth'  r  hubbub 
than  that  of  Chartism  at  present  mgin?,  it  muv  seem  tlutt  Cr?rv  has 
nothing  to  do  with  any  question  before  the  Public,  and  has  been  rather 
dragged  up  from  the  Antipodes  by  J/r.  Putu;h,  head  and  shouhjers. 
Not  so. 

That  tlie  diameter  of  the  globe  intervenes  Iwtwcen  Mr.  Cuppy  and 
his  countrymen,  is  in  great  measure  owing  to  his  indulgence  in  '*open 
aud  advised"  speaking.  Now,  here  is  some  speaking  or  writing,  which 
amounts  to  the  same  thing — not  less  open,  nor  less  advised,  and  cer- 
tainly no  better  advised,  tun  any  piece  of  incendiary  eloquence  that  the 
turhuleul  little  tailor  ever  ventca.  Thus  wntes  a  Mr.  AMBRo^E  T-islk 
Phillii's.  one  of  the  Pope's  partisans,  in  a  letter  lately  published, 
addressed  to  the  Eabx  of  Shbewsbcry:— 

"  My  dtMr  lord,  yoa  an  ou  jrour  way  t»  tb«  Holy  Citr,  tn  Ihuik  onr  mrat  holy  fithnr 
for  bU  (nclooi  record  fbr  oar  EoglUh  Cbarch  ;  pray  liim  to  bestow  «g«ln  *t\A  «i;)tln 
h:bi  aptwutUo  b1«ailii(  npoa  his  chltdnn  hvn,  who  are  r-^^j  U>  ojcabal  fur  IiIh  «acr«tl 
rtghta,  anJ  tlmaa  of  tha  Holy  Ami  and  Um  CaUuUc  CbnrctL  The  huly  fMlliiir  may 
coaal  upon  oa;  ws  aro  ihe  children  of  lbs  Cniaaden,  and  will  Dot  &lur  bafora  tha 
•ooi  of  CaAJiina  and  Joav  Kjrux." 

This  is  simply  an  oHer  to  fight  for  the  Pops,  if  required,  against  the 
QuKBK.  CuppY  never  uttered  anythiuK  half  so  treasonable,  and  it  is 
unfair,  and  a  great  shame,  to  keep  liim  in  exile^  whilst  Pbillips  is 
permitted  to  rave  much  more  violently  with  impunity.  Perhaps, 
however,  Phillips  has  escaped  the  Aitomey-Genenil's  notice  merely 
from  bciiig  beneath  it ;  and  ii  more  luoky  than  Odppt,  only  because 
he  is  BLoro  insignificant. 


4 
I 


Drilling  for  All  Nations. 

Said  Ml  tJoBDEtt,  in  his  speech  at  Biruiinghom  the  other  day  :— 

"  All  tht  Continent  U  briatliDK  witb  aa«1ut«  and  bayaiwtA.  Thare  arc-  baar  tbl« 
raot  In  tnlod  -80<>.000  mors  armad  imd  thart ,  UrlDs  In  tfae  daUy  aaaralaa  af  drtil,  itwu 
there  ew  had  bwn  Id  tha  vary  i»lcht  of  Nai)oiak>D'B  wan ;  and  tUe  natloui  of  lb* 
ConUoeuC  of  Euroiw  bare,  alaoa  the  evenU  of  1947,  tooreaaed  Uulr  dabU  by  aboat 
£3no,0m(X)O  itsrlloc." 

All  this  drilling  that  is  going  on  among  Continental  nations  wiU.'<.^9c\ 
soon  drill  tremendous  holes  in  their  pockets. 


1 


240 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


M-v\    Xl' 


STASTLING     FACT  I 

(h^ot^i  Siczil.  "  Do  tou  h^kK  mam  op  TUtfikt  MoNkEir-JiiCHKTH  now  !*' 
Snip.  "Oh  dear  ita,  Sm.     TMt*t;  aR£  more  MopKKra  in  Oxford 

TSII    TfllM    THin    EVER,    Sift.'* 


DRAMAS    FOR    EVERYDAY    LIFE- 


THE   MERCENARY  MEECEE8; 

OR,  THE  IIOUSIR  OF  HOMBrKG. 


DEUSATIfl    PeMOXM. 


PU3WL       ,           .           .           . 

SHiucm 

.fti  Engliih  Ofntitwian. 

Bk>ArtT    , 

Sbopmm  otuI  Atsiihtnts  to  SlUJlU,  €uB0 

JCLiA  aodocimji 

TK*/f  P/  noiiiTIO. 

Porttn,  ehopnuD,  6t,  ^,,  in  fA«  »HpZay  0/  S^^n,  CmjLiB,  ind  Co. 


SCEVE. — jrf  Sfreei  in  f/iHtloa,  Tn  the  ctnins  h  the  iaiffe  lAnfndrapfiy 
EstablUhfxeftt  of  Sma3II»  Cbabii^  jvnd  Company,  Enier'hl-^  (imi 
Mks,  Goodchild,  itra  (n  ara. 

Mrs.  GoQikhild.  How  chBrmiuj  ts  the  day !    The  rciys  of  Sol 
Tip  CTei7llimff  wilh  gold* 

Mr.  Ooo^hUd.  Talking  of  tips- 

Id^  fingers'  cuda  i^re  bursting  Ihrougb  my  F^toves  \  I 

1  really  think  I  want,  nnotlicr  pair. 

Mm,  Q  {looking  nt  his  hamh),  Yoa  do^  indeed,  my  de^r — iJfis !  aliu  ! 
I  well  remcmbcf  mc  ibnt  summer's  day, 
When,  TTioking'  purchase  of  those  cheap  Berlins^ 
A  ccrtaJn  somcthiag  whisper'd  in  my  car, 
'*  Those  flovcs  are  to  a  bnef  existence  doomed^ 
Their  thread  of  life  ia  short—" 

Mr.  O.  My  nails  ba^e  cut  it ! 

But,  opportunclyf  see  a  ahop  at  hnnd ! 
The  wmdow  ^ceins  U*  hold  a  choice  of  gloves. 
Let's  forwu-d,  find  inspect  the  rarious  &0Tt3. 

Mrs.  Q.  (teadfpg  iaddf],  "Superior  kid  at  balf-a>crown — townmadc." 

^r.  &.  I  like  the  artiole^  but  not  the  priee. 
You  know,  mv  dearest  Julu,  that  next  week 
Wc  may  be  short  of  just  that  little  sum^ 
To  piiy  the  hutcher,  baker,  and  the  Test, 
The  t&x-ooUector,  too,  perchftnco  may  call ; 
"  ud  would  fou  hare  na  tnm  him  from  the  door, 

ying  *'  Kind  Sir,  but  week  I  purchased  t^lopea. 

1  such  a  day,  I  bought  a  pHor  of  kids : 
On  Tuesday  '  twaa;  thej  cost  me  hail-ft-crowiL 


And  so,  good  gentleman.  I  cry  you  tnetcf. 
My  water-r&te  is  short,  by  that  amount. 

Mn.  G.  {preixing  his  arm  fondljf).  My  own  HoRAXIOj  you  were 
ever  thus ; 
S&lf-sacrilice  has  always  been  your  rule. 
What  thLik  you  of  those  ^'  Cloth,  at  fifteen  pence  P  " 

Mr.  Q,  1  like  them  prettT  well;  bfti  look  at  those!  {potniwg  to  tt  hhet) 
**  Stout  double  extra,  gentlemanly  Aag, 
Tenpenoe  the  pair— three  pairs  for  two^uid-three." 
These  are  the  gloves  for  me — I  love  the  dog : 
He  is  no  thin  skiimcd  creature  like  the  kid. 
But  tough  and  honesty  stoat  of  heart  and  hide. 

{Qroufinff  entkitsiasiie  eu  he  proeeedt. 
Behold  him  in  the  chase— hear  him  give  tongue — 
See  bow  be  darts  upon  the  startled  stag — 

MtA,  G.  {inlerrttpimp  him).  My  dear,  Iwiah  you  wouldn't  talk  so  loud ; 
'Twill  get  a  tnob,  around  us  presently. 
If  you  want  dogskin  gloves,  come  in  at  once. 
And  purchase  them, 

Mr.  0.  You  're  no  enthusiast ; 

You  vaimot  uuderataud  me — never  could. 
I'he  do^  is  said  the  frii?nd  of  man  to  be. 
So  let  ihc  dog  b«  hand  in  glove  with  me.     [7A«y  enter  the  $kop  togeii^. 

ScEtrElI— ?fi<f  Ifiterior  of  tAe  Sglabli$kment  q/'Smash,  Cbash,  akd  Com- 
VAJSY.  Shopmra^  CasAiers,  ^c.  ^e.  cMgffed  in/otdinff  ana  unfU^tig 
goods,  Smirke,  Soapet,  Sfoomet,  Mooney,  and  other  a$ii$ta$at 
in  (dtfittdance  behind  the  ewntert.  P&owz^  the  thop^walker^  iralkiwg 
ttpai^ddown. 

Frtwl.  Business  U  dull,  but  stiU  we  live  in  hope. 
Thos«  piies  of  Paisley  all  remain  on  hand  ; 
Thoa«  thirty  thou^ud  bonnets  are  unsold; 
Those  miserable  nuttens  dangle  stiU 
Over  the  door— the  ?port  of  every  breeze. 

But  still  UQ  breeze  blows  any  pood  to  us.  ISttrv^inff  the  ttreet. 

Oh!  little  think  the  unreflecting  crowd. 
Those  sliE^lres  that  seem  to  groan  with  merchandisej 
Bear  the  hght  dummy  with  elastic  ease ; 
That  bale,  whose  coating  of  external  wool. 
Appears  to  press  with  avahmchian  weight, 

Is  nothing  but  a  hollow  mockery —  {He  pmuet. 

Such  thoughts  Rs  these  unfit  me  for  my  post. 
Take  eoiiragGj  heart!   iju:  taps  gently  against  hit  waiiteoai),    SlUStr, 

Crash,  \Ni»  Co>ii'.\nt 
Must  mever  tind  me  falter  in  their  cause. 

[ffe  turns  to  the  Shopmen,  Assistants.  &c.  &c.,  andaddreuet  them. 
My  friends,  prepare  ttiIIi  eagerness  for  work, 
Two  hundred  bankrupt cii\'}  look  down  on  us 
From  yonder  ahdvesl— hear  you  their  voice  P 

ML  We  do. 

FrotcL  Go,  Smiher  and  Soapey,  quickly  to  the  front 
Han^  out  vqur  placards  at  the  open  door, 
InviiiJig  all  to  oiir  ''  Grceii.  Sacrifice.". 

[Shi&ke  attd  SoAPBY  placeplaeards  at  door. 
You,  MooNBY.  to  the  window.    Instantly 
Invert  that  label  marked  with  £9  Is,, 
So  that  it  seem  to  stuDd  for  £1  6*. 

Moct»eff.  Should  it  be  claimed  at  £1  6s.. — what  then? 

FrOfc-l.  Should  it  bo  claimed !— well,  wney-face,  what  of  that  P 
ShoTild  it  be  claimed !— cream-visage,  then,  of  course. 
You  Se  but  to  say  the  ticket  slipped  by  cbawse, 
Qo,  milk-cheek !    Do  my  bidding — 

Mooney.  I  am  gone. 

[MooxET  disappeurs  iti  the  mndow,  Smioke  and  Soapet  retmning 
from  the  ao&T  rapidfy. 

S^iirkr-  A  Customer, 

Soape^f.  A  lady  and  a  gcat. 

Tr&teL  Quick  to  your  places;  now  let  Homburg*!  houae 
Show  that  it  justly  merits  Hokbueo's  name. 

BUer  Mb.  and  Mrs.  Goodchild.    Fbowl  bom  and  shovs  them  to  the 
cQunteTt  where  Soapey  m  servtng. 

Mr.  G.  I  want  a  pair  of  dog's-sldn  gloves— those  marked 
At  tenpcnce  in  the  window. 
Soapey.  Thank  yon.  Sir. 

Frotol  {tpgatijig  a^idg  f^y  the  differatt  characters) »  Portera  bring  fwth 
thoHC  masaivc  fiaiinel  bales. 
That  ponderous  carpcttin^'— those  heavy  Tweeda, 
And  m&ke  a  circle  round  ihe  customers. 

[7?iu  u   dow  vrMlt?  Mr.  and  Mbs.  Goodchild  have  the^  fmem 
tttmed  toteards  the  counter. 
You,  Sroo^TET,  place  the  steps  aorosa  the  door. 
Mount  them— and,  with  a  well-feigned  energy, 
Rub  the  plat&glass,  [8vOQaar4M« 

And  oov  oome  hither  SKnxB  I 


PUNCH.   OR  THK  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


241 


Vou  are  the  ^rcat  reliance  of  Ihe  firm ; 
Thftt  simper,  thut  insinuating  jmile. 
You  know  so  well  to  pr&ctise,  1  have  seen 
Within  a  week  clear  off  a  bankrupt's  stock. 

SmirJee.  You  flatter  me. 

Proat.  No,  SHniKK,  I  apeak  but  truth. 
I*TC  faith  in  ihw— if  on  this  very  day 
Three  thousand  buoucts  hung  upon  Ltiy  Up — 
Thou'dst  lum,  I  'm  sure,  three  thousand  female  heads 
Into  those  bonnets. 

Smirke  Umiling).  I  should  do  my  beat. 

PfQKl,  I  know  thou  wouldst— you  see  that  couple  there  ? 

[Poinfiffff  fo  Ma.  and  Mna.  Goodchild. 
SOATEY  is  serving  them  !  approacli  and  li&ien. 

[TAfy  ffo  near  /Ac  counter^  where  iltt.  and  Mas.  GooDcniLD 
arv  being  served. 

Mr.  0.  Hiis  pnir  will  do  {ghet  a  ikilling).    I '11  thank  yon  for  the 
ohange, 

[SoAPEY  takua  ike  tkiUing,  and  appean  (o  go  for  (he  change,  but 
joins  Phmwl  and  Smihke  rr^o  are  not  observed  bjf  llR,  and 
Mns.  GooooHiLD. 

prowl  (aside).  W  bit  hare  they  bought  Y 

Soapev.  One  pair  of  dog,  at  ten. 

Frotpl.  One  nog  at  ten— caitiff!  Smash,  Ckasu  aks  Co. 
Would  to  tlie  does  togtlher  promptly  go, 
If  nil  resembled  lliee. 

Soapev.  Whut  could  I  do  ? 

Proiel  What  could'st  thou  do !    Stay,  hnve  they  got  their  change  ? 

Soapev.  Kotyet. 

Proiel.  Not  yet.    Ha,  Im!  there  still  is  time ; 

Withhold  it  till  I  bid  tiiee  render  it. 
Now,  SuibilII,  for  action  I    Art  thou  well  prejiored  ? 

Smirke.  I  am.    Give  roe  that  box  of  cambnc  collars ; 
Acd  now  those  cuffs;  now  yonder  pelerines. 
Place  on  the  top  that  lot  of  chemisettes; 
And  when  you  see  me  occupied  in  tidk. 
Send  forward  ribbons,  stockings,  satinettes. 
And  anything,  in  fact,  that  comes  to  hand. 

[SsOKKS,  having  his  armt  piled  no  with  various  arttdes,  atfea/tces  to 
ihe  counter^  where  Mr.  and  M  Rs.  G.  are  standing, 

Mr,  0.  I  *m  waiting  for  my  change. 

Sfitirke.  Thev  're  bringing  it. 

In  the  mc&n  time,  t&ere  are  some  oarrains  herp, 
The  bidy  would,  I  'm  sure,  be  tempted  with. 

Mrs.  G.  Oh,  no  indeed ;  not  I. 

Mr.  0.  My  change— my  change. 

Smirkt.  Tlieso  collars  are  llie  prettiest— newest  things ; 
[  bought  a  lot — the  bankrupt  broke  bis  heart. 
They  cost  him  half-a-guinen. 

Mrs.  G.  Tluit  is  dear. 

Smirke.  And  we  are  selling  them  at  half-a-crown. 

Mrs.  0.  They  're  really  very  cheap. 

Mr.  0.  My  change — my  change. 

Smirke.  And  so  becoming;  let  me  try  one  ou. 
Permit  me  just  to  place  it  round  your  neck. 

Mrs.  G.  Oh  no,  indeed— I  *m  not  in  want  of  it. 

Smrke.  You  must  allow  me  (*/>>»  it  ronnd  her  neck) ;  veiy  sweet, 
indeed. 
Look  at  the  Indy,  Sir ;  how  it  becomes 
The  delicate  complexion. 

Mr.  G.  Stuff! — my  change. 

Smirke.  The  only  thing  it  wants  is  cuffs  to  match. 
Here  are  the  cuffs— they  're  li'rench— cost  Sjt.  0-/. 

Mrg.  G.  How  dear  I 

Sr»irke.  But  Europe's  long  unsettled  state. 
The  fall  of  monarchy  in  France— the  shock 
That  agitates  the  Continental  tlirones 
Snables  us  to  sell  at  one-and-nine. 

Mn,  0.  {to  Mb.  Goodcuud).  They're  very  pretty,  arc  they  not.  my 
dear? 

Mr.  0.  No ;   take  tnem  off.    Must  I  stand  br  and  see 
My  wife  thus  cnffed  and  collared  'gainst  my  wiU. 
I  want  my  change. 

Mrs.  0.  My  dear,  pray  keep  your  temper. 

Mr.  G.  The  fellow 's  quite  impertinent, 

Mrs.  G.  My  dear. 

There 's  never  anv  harm  in  trying  on. 
Mr.  G.  {v«hementfy).  I  want  my  twopence  change. 

J^irke  (smiling).  One  moment,  8ir» 

This  shawl— prav  madam^  suffer  me  to  place  it 
Upon  your  shoulders — 'tis  the  only  one 
Hemaining  of  five  hundred — bought  last  week 
Of  a  transported  Donkrupt,  who,  'tis  said. 
Robbed  creditors  of  thirty  thousand  pounds. 
This  stock  we  sell  at  price  of  stolen  goods. 


I     Mr.  G.  Swindlers— I  *11  hear  no  more !     Come,  Juujl  come ! 
Thus,  thus,  and  thus !  {tears  ojf  cottar^  cuffs,  and  shawl)  I  free  thee  from 

the  chains 
That  rofTucry  would  weave  around  as  both. 

lUe  M  about  to  nsh  out  with  his  lei/e,  tehen  he  sees  the  bates  (/  goodt 
placed  to  obstruct  him.     He  upsets  them. 
Thus,  thus,  and  thus,  and  thus  I  trample  ou 
The  emblems  of  commercial  knavery. 

[As  he  gets  to  the  door,  he  tees  Spoonet  (w  ihe  $teps,  ichom  he  Overihroies. 
Down,  caitiff,  down,  that  dares  to  bar  my  way, 
And  make  mc  captive  in  a  den  of  thieves  1 
Come,  Julia,  come  away ! 
Mrs.  G.  Art  mad,  Houatio? 

Mr.  G.  Mad — am.     I  mod — am — not.  but  mad  art  thou. 
'Chunst  dogskin  gloves  henceforth  I  make  a  vow, 

[He  takes  her  riotentljf  bf  the  arm  and  rnth(4  ovt  with  her,  Spooubt 
rises  Jrom  the  ground.  Smirkb  burtes  lis  fact  in  a  bos  ^ 
lace  collars.  The  Assistants,  Shopmen,  &c..  &c.,  stand  pointing 
to  ihe  goods  scattered  about  the  f  cor  ana  Prowl  goes  to  tin 
oentre.  The  iron  shutters  rattle  down  through  ihe  sudden  snapping 
</  the  support,  and  the  curtain /alls. 


WE  STAND  UPON  A  VOLCANO. 

LTH0U6H  Ludgate  Hill  is  not  exactly 
Ukc  iEtna,  nor  do  we  literollv  find  Vesu- 
vius in  the  snow  of  Snow  Hul,  Holbom, 
still  we  are  justified  in  saying  that  the 
metropolis  stands  upon  a  volcano,  for 
there  is  constantlr  an  eruption,  or  break- 
ing up,  of  the  public  thorouglifares.  If 
there  were  another  invasion  of  the  Picts. 
we  could  not  be  more  completely  picked 
to  pieces  than  we  are  by  tnosc  demons 
of  fire  and  water,  the  Genii  of  gas  and 
sewerage.  There  is  certainly  something 
like  variety  in  a  walk  to  the  City,  for 
we  come  every  now  and  then  to  sneh 
a  terrific  rupture  in  the  ground,  as  may 
weU  be  called  a  break  in  the  journey. 
li  we  attempt  a  ride  uUo  the  City,  the  affair  oas  all  tlie  danger, 
without  any  of  fno  pleasmg  excitement  of  a  steeple-chase,  for  the 
chances  of  a  casual  plng-hole  of  former  days  are  now  superseded  by  the 
tenors  of  the  open  trench,  and  the  perils  of  tnc  precipice.  The  wonder 
is,  that  London  is  not  some  day  blown  up  by  a  terrific  explosion  of  gas. 
for  the  inflammable  fluid  is  continually  pouring  out  from  the  lacerated 
pipes,  and  the  earth  is  so  full  of  awful  gashes,  that  the  noxious  ^ases 
are  for  ever  mixing  with  the  air,  and  making  combustion  imminent. 
Every  ga|J  in  the  pavement  is  a  stop-gap.  bringing  every  cab  to  a  stand, 
ood  as  we  fear  the  gas  companies  will  blow  up  London,  we  anticipate 
matters  by  blowing  up  them,  in  the  hope  of  checking  their  eccen- 
tricities. _^-^^— ----^^-— ^=== 

THE  TURN  OF  THE  TIDE. 

Th«  CAromWe^-whose  Papal  leaders  ou?ht  to  be  printed  in  ink  of 
congenial  i^carlet— says,  rejoicingly,  of  what  it  call^  the  No  Poperv 
Crusade  of  llic  City  of  London,  "  the  tide  of  opinion  la  already  turned. ' 
Is  it,  indeed?  Is  it  running  down  from  Fulham,  and  will  it  M>on  be 
low  water  at  Lambeth  ?  And  shall  we  have  what  was  the  boat  of  the 
Fisherman,  but  is  now  the  three-decker  of  the  Pope,  high  and  dry  in 
mud,  with  her  ports  open  and  her  rims  run  out,  and  bearing  upon 
Westminster  Aboey  ?  Shall  the  Lamb  and  Flag  wave  from  the  mast- 
head, fanning  the  folks  of  England  with  blessings?  And— as  w« 
hive  seen  similar  amenities  carried  out  at  Cherbourg,  between  Freneh 
and  English  Commanders— will  the  Fisherman  of  Ijondon  take 
oars  from  Fulham,  and  visit  the  Fisherman  of  Rome  off  Lambeth  ? 
*TwiU  be  pretty  enough  to  sec  them  taking  a  turn  upon  the  deck ;  the 
shovel  hat  in  contrast  with  that  beautiful  bit  of  colour  worn  by  the 
Captain  Cardinal  the  legs  of  bUck  stepping  ont  and  keeping  time  with 
the  legs  of  scarlet.     But  this  the  Chronicle  promises,  and  this  we  shall 


legs  ot  I 
when— 


see  when— wo  slioll  see. 


Words  and  Things. 

"  Akd  where  the  harm  in  the  words  Cardinal  op  Westminster? 
What  danger  in  mere  title,  without  authority?"  asks  Miss  Pussr- 
UTTEK  of  Mr.  Punch ;  and  Mr.  Punch  replies,  "  All  the  harm^  and  all 
the  danger,  Madam.  Words,  csoccially  words  from  the  Vatican,  are 
the  GenUemcu-Usben  to  things. 


Trb  Port's  Bull.  —Imagining  that  England  hid  be«a  oonrerted  to 
Romaa  Catholicism. 


4 


2i2 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


BTeai 
nrom 


THE  HISTOBICAL  HOAXES  OF  HEEETICS.--A  Ballad  on  a  Bull. 

TuKB.— "Ab  Seimet  towiaiaa M^fttarg." 

RU£  Bkitonb,  I  '11  tell  7011  a  mystery, 

Which  will  caasG  yon  to  open  yoi)r  eyes, 
A  very  laige  portion  of  History 

Is  mere^  a  parcel  of  lies ; 
Every  crime  in  its  p&^s  related, 

Of  the  FoP£  and  his  Priests,  jon  mnst  Tiew 
As  fictitious — hatch'd  up-^fabncated : 

Because  not  a  word  or  it 's  true ! 

Ckonu. 

*Ti8  a  positive  fact — though  a  mystery — 
That  authors,  abroad  and  at  home, 

Have  nearly  all  falsified  History 
To  prevent  our  submitting  to  Borne. 

Every  Pontiff  that  ever  existed 

Led  a  life  that  was  tree  from  all  taint ; 
Though  his  acts  have  been  shamefully  twisted* 

Al£XAnd£&  thb  sixth  was  a  Saint: 
Tou  must  bold  him  completely  exempted 

From  tne  charges  of  which  we  've  all  learnt ; 
To  poison  he  never  attempted : 

Satonakoia  never  was  burnt. 

Chorus. — *Tis  a  positive  fact,  &c. 

Persecution— by  empty  pretences— 

An  objection  to  Home  has  been  made ; 
But,  in  fact,  there  were  na  Albigenses, 

And  no  Sivon  de  HoNrroRrs  crusade. 
John  Hdss,  so  continually  quoted. 

And  Jerome  of  Pbaque,  are  a  myth. 
At  the  Council  of  Constance  devoted 

To  the  faggots,  no  more  than  Joe  Sioth. 
CAorw.— 'Tis  a  positive  fact,  &c. 

In  Spain  there  was  no  InqoisitioD, 

whatever  deceivers  nu^  say 
CTwould  have  soon  met  the  Pope's  prohibition) ; 

Xo  such  fnin^  as  an  auto-de-ft. 
St.  Baetholomev's  sUoghter,  notorious 

As  you  fancjr  it,  never  occurred ; 
That  'twas  praued  and  approved  by  the  glorious 

Thisteenth  Greooey  s  simply  absurd. 
Cftonw.— *Tis  a  positive  fact,  &c. 

You  have  beard  of  a  vague  innuendo 

That  in  England  a  statute  was  passed, 
CallM  "De  haretico  comburendo  ;  '^ 

But  this  fib  is  as  great  as  the  last. 
Oh !  the  Church  woi^d  have  never  consented 

To  have  such  a  law  made  in  her  name, 
And  let  her  stray  sheep  be  tormented 

To  a  death  of  slow  anguish  by  flame. 
Ciiorw.— *Tis  a  positive  fact,  &c. 

Maet  never  burnt  bishops— the  arson 

Is  a  fudge  by  the  wicked  or  mad — 
Why,  such  conduct,  both  Pope  and  Pope's  parson 

Would  have  surely  condemnM  if  she  had : 
*Tis  a  cram  to  say  Cranmer  was  martyred. 

Nor  did  Ridlet  nor  Latimer  fall : 
Whereas  Guy  Fawkes  was  banged,  drawn,  and  quartejr'd 

Absolutely  for  nothing  at  alL 

Olom.— 'Tis  a  positive  fact,  &c. 

But,  bethink  you,  good  Catholic  ia>Tnen, 

Whilst  historians  our  credence  obtain, 
EnffUsh  Protestants  cannot  say  Amen- 

To  your  Pontipp's  pretensions  to  reign ; 
And  will  ever  resist  his  intrusion. 

No  offence,  mind,  whatever,  to  you. 
Till  convinoed  of  the  utter  delusion 

Of  believing  that  History's  true: 
Chonu. 
Till  assured  of  the  fact— though  a  mystery— 

That  authors,  abroad  and  at  home. 
Have  atrociously  falsified  History, 

They  will  ne'er  yield  submission  to  Rome. 


A  BOAR  "WRITING  TO  THE  TIMES." 

The  colamns  of  our  contemporary  the  Timei  are  "open  daily"  for 
theredrtS9  of  grievatioe^,  and  everybody  who  has  to  complain  of  any- 
body lEi  power,  or  out  or  power»  from  a  prime  minister  to  a  policeman, 
or  fforu  a  milUoiuLire  to  a  merchant,  finds  anmediate  consolation  in 
"wriLiugto  the  Timis"  TVe  tiling  however,  it  is  rather  hard  upon 
our  conttmpomry  to  tax  hh  good  nature  to  the  extent  to  which  we  saw 
a  specimen  ihe  other  da/,  when  some  individual — a  descendant,  probably, 
of  the  banevoleat  cuthuaiast  who  talked  side-by-side  with  a  duck  for 
half  a4ay  in  a  polling  shower^  to  give  the  animal  the  benefit  of  half  of 
his  nmbreUa— troubli^a  the  Time^  with  a  letter  complaining  of  the 
smnltne^is  of  the;  sty  allotted  to  the  Boar  in  the  Eorenrs  Park  Zoologi- 
cal Gardens*  If  the  domestic  arranKcments  of  the  Boars  are  to  be  taken 
up  by  those,  whose  ByinjULLUy  ^tth  tlism  is  accounted  for  bv  a  similarity 
of  name — errore  of  spelling  aiways  excepted — there  will  be  no  end  to 
the  corrcsijondaico  our  contemporary  wilT find  inundating  his  letter-box. 
Besides,  u  the  i5oar  is  to  have  a  hearing,  why  should  not  the  Hippopo- 
tamus be  allowed  his  say,  through  the  medium  of  an  amanuensis,  m  the 
colnmns  of  the  press :  and  if  this  once  b^^ins,  there  will  be  no  end  to 
the  complaints  oT  bad  accommodation,  too  much  confinement,  and  the 
numerous  otuer  grievances  to  which  the  inmates  of  a  zoolo^;ical  estab- 
lishment are  liable.  The  Monkeys,  who  are  for  ever  chattering,  will  be 
calling  upon  some  one  to  put  their  chattering  into  writing,  and  send  it 
to  the  Time*t  complamiiig,  no  doubt,  of  the  parasol  points  perpetually 
being  poked  at  them,  andperhaps  of  the  Quahtv  of  the  biscuits  sold  at 
the  door  for  the  visitors  to  pelt  them  with.  Though  oar  contemporary 
has,  very  goodnaturedlv,  allowed  insertion  to  the  remonstrances  on  the 
part  of  toe  Boar^  complaining  of  his  want  of  "a  wooden  railing  instead 
of  iron  to  rub  himself  againsi,"  still,  we  advise  that  the  matter  should 
not  be  suffered  to  become  a  precedent  for  every  animal,  to  whom  the 
rules  of  the  world,  are  not  exactly  the  sort  he  would  have  selected  for 
himself^  if  he  had  been  allowed  the  choice  of  them. 


COCHINEAL  AT  FULHAM. 


OtJA  readers  may  not  be  aware  that  the  Bishof  of  London  is  as 
eat  m  his  knowledge  of  the  vegetable  world,  of  the  nature  of  trees, 
)m  the  cedar  to  the  hyuop,  as  of  Hebrew  roots,  for  some  time  past 
nU  Lordship  has  suffered  a  number  of  experiments  to  be  made,  with  a 
view  to  the  production  of  the  cochineal  insect. — the  insect  that,  vdth  a 
pffopar  solution  of  tin,  supplies  the  most  brilliant  scarlet.  Por  some 
ume  there  was,  at  least  m  the  gardens  of  Fulham,  eveiy  appearance 
Uiat  the  insect  might  be  acclimated^  and  so,  scarlet  be  obtained  horn 
home-growth.  At  the  present  writmg  there  seems,  on  the  part  of  his 
Lordship,  a  desire  to  give  the  experiment  up.  London  will  no  longer 
stand  the  hazard  of  the  dye.  Again,  there  are  many  of  the  Church- 
friends  of  his  Lordship— who  have  shown  a  great  jjeaming  towards 
Boarlet  stockings^but  somehow  they  cannot  bear  to  think  of  tne  colour, 
if  without  a  solution  of  their  church  tin. 


THE   CtTBBENT  COIN  OF  THE  31BAIJC. 

The  penny  mav  be  considered  the  black  current,  and  the  shilling  the 
white  curredt,  whilst  the  postage  stamp — for  it  is  now  received  univer- 
Mlly  as  a  ouneut  own—maj  be  lookedT  npon  as  the  red  current  coin  of 
Shereahnl 


HoiTo  FOE  PBOR880E  HoLLOWAT.^Iie  mtdmli  d&i«s  mtk. 


DOMESTIC     SCENES— SERVED    WITH     A    WRIT. 


-       ,i      ,J&^l\^l 


Mr.  PuHfih^s  Iriil  Maid  is  ke^trd  onitide  ut  the  paMofff.  O,  Lor ! — 0. 
Holy  SaintA !  0,  Marthyrs,  and  Stan,  aud  Oyartbere  I  0»  Blcsaed 
of  Heaven  1  and  la  it  your  Holinesses  Reverences  !* 

{Ske  ffoei  doion  on  her  kneex. 

iff.  Punch.  What 's  that  noise.  Doodeha  P 

Doodena.  Av  you  ptaise,  Sir,  'tis  the  Gentlemin  wishes  to  see  yonr 
Honoar. 

Mr.  Punch.  What  are  their  names,  Doodena? 

Doodena.  Ar  yuu  plnise.  Sir,  thoy  say  their  names  is  Mr.  WiSKnox 
and  MBm  Nevbot — aud  Uiey 'vc  brought  your  Honour  a  Utile  Bull. 

Mr,  Punch.  A  UtUc  fphalf—\ci  the  pfraons  in, 

WisKnor  enler*,  with  Newboy  hoidiup  up  hi*  tail, 

Tobjf.  Gr-r-r-r-r-r-row-vow-rrow  I 

Netebof.  What^T'o^/'  Pooh,  Ttf*^/— Jbo^)^/  Don't  you  remember 
me.  Tobjf? 

iFUeSou  ipretenti  a  Writ].  "Before  our  Sovereign  liord  the  Fore, 
you—    &c.,  &c. 

Mr.  Puju-h.  Confound  the  Pope  !  I  don't  owe  him  a  shilling !  Show 
'em  out— fthow  *em  out,  Doodeita  ! 

Toby,  (ir-r-ow-wow-wow!  {Kreioit  D.,  W.,  N. 

Mr.  Punch.  CoDfoimd  their  impudence  '.  Lord  bless  my  soul ! — It 's 
all  from  taking  tlukt  Doodbka  into  my  service :  but  sue 'a  a  poor, 
ignorant  girl,  and  I  'vc  tAkcn  hnr  for  worse  or  for  brtter. 

[Ma.  Punch  lifiht^  a  cigar  aud  calU  back  Tony,  aud  tpeaJb  to  him 

eerioualft. 

Now  listen,  to  me,  TWty,  my  dog.    You  were  just  now  jroing  to  bite  the 

calves  of  that  gentleman  in  the  red  legs,  and  very  y      '     '  -^  they  are.— 

But  you  must  not  bite,  I'obv^  though  I  give  you  \  <•  to  growl  a 

liltle.    You  see  he  comes  here  neither  with  my  .  b>  my  leave; 

announces  himself  as  spirituid  pastor  and  masirr  of  my  c  -uiilry.  and  pro- 
duRcs  his  commiasioD  to  govern  over  me,  signodby  I  lie  PoPk  op  Roks. 
Now,  my  dear  TWy,  I  just  as  much  caro  about  the  Vr»rR  op  Home  as  I 
do  about  the  Mufti  of  Ispahan ;  and  my  dcsiri'  for  a  yuict  life  is  such. 
that  if  the  latter  wern  to  rtirae  in  this  country  and  build  himself  a 
mosQue  and  minaret,  and  bawl  out  thence  that  there  was  no  Prophet 


but  Mahomet,  and  that  he  the  Mufti  was  the  Mufli  of  all  Fngland,  and 
his  mosque  the  only  phioe  where  a  nun  could  say  bis  urayers  with  any 
advantage,  I  would  let  the  Mufti  speak ;  itiaking,  w&en  ne«d  was,  a 
strong  nrotest  against  his  bawling,  and  sta'iug  every  now  and  thes. 
with  all  my  heart  and  conscience,  that  1  didn  t  believe  a  single  word 
of  it. 

But  T  '11  have  no  iicrsccution,  Toby.  1  say,  keen  your  teeth  out  of  the 
Cardinal's  legs.  The  (rreat  object  is  to  ^how  tnat  luosl  of  us  in  thts 
country  utterly  scoot  hitt  cUim,  and  laugh  at  his  red  luit  nmi  red  stock* 
ings,  his  ring  aud  his  crozicr,  and  his  Pontilical.  whether  he  swears  utKm  it 
to  expugnate  us  or  not.  That  is  the  main  point,  whrrcof  we  should  crm- 
vinoe  him — aud  when  he  talks  of  governing  us — we  say  Pooh.  Come  and 
say  your  prayers,  and  light  your  randies  and  chaunt  your  services,  and 
welcome — but  as  for  gorcniing  «* — you  petticoatcd  Roman  Prince,  as 
you  call  yourself,  you  who  durt'ii't  so  much  as  publi.sh  a  newspaper,  and 
who  haven't  even  a  railroad — we  laugh  at  rou  aud  your  uoflurci  old- 
world  pretensions— aud  must  every  now  and  then  let  you  know  that 
we  laugh  at  vou. 

But  for  all  that,  Toby,  we'll  leave  his  Eminence's  legs  alone.  He 
has  as  good  a  right  to  his  crimson  as  a  quaker  has  to  drab,  and  mnst 
have  free  leave  to  set  up  his  pulpit,  as  you  and  I  have  to  act  in  our 
booth.  Do  him  no  harm,  Wheu  those  Irishmen  battered,  nnd  half 
or  quite  killed  the  poor  policemen  the  other  day,  do  you  think  they 
advanced  their  religion  by  the  assault?  No,  nor  can  we  by  cxpugna- 
tion  or  persecution  hope  to  make  oonverts  to  oura.  The  railroad,  the 
new5pAv>cr,  free  thousnt  and  free  discussion,  all  of  which  pririlegrs  we 
have  won  in  spile  of  my  I^ord  Cardinal's  petticoats,  wc  iutrnd  to  Keep ; 
and  when  he  brags  about  the  progress  of  iiis  ( 'hurcl).  «  c  'II  say  to  him. 
"  Sec.  Sir,  how  freedom  grows !  That  flourishes  and  increases  for  all 
you  can  do:  that  will  Imvo  books  for  all  your  Index  Expurgatonus. 
Why,  you  cursed  and  excommunicated  England  once — but  the  nun 
shone  on  it  the  next  day  all  the  same:  and  the  Armada  went  down: 
and  the  island  grew,  and  continues  to  grow,  in  Strength,  and  Tnilh,  and 
Freedom.     Gon  savp-  thk  Qiteen."     TViy.  do  ynu  hoar,  SirP 

IToSy  putM  hie  head  between  Mb.  PtrifCH'fl  knee$.    Mk.  F.  f<mdUi 
and  pats  him. 


aniTlSH   AND   AKERJCAN   REGATTA. 


OwTS'G  to  the  vast  improvements  which  have  Utely  been  made  in 
ship-building,  it  is  cxjiectod  that  arraugements  will  shortly  be  entered 
into  between  tlic  Icadins?  proprirtors  of  the  mcrcantilo  marine  navy  of 
this  couutry  and  the  IJniLcd  Slates,  for  a  race  round  the  world. 


TIKW   07  TTTB  VODEL  PBISOW. 

The  Model  Prison  at  Pen^onriUe  is  so  comfortable  a  place  that  some 
people  may  wonder  what  induced  tlACVrrr  to  ran  away  from  it     It 
nasoeen  sunnisod  that  he  did  so  because  he  wu  disgoatibl  W4^^^u^ 
humbug. 


m 


244 


PUNCH.  Oil  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI, 


MORE     ABOUT     HATS. 

(Bg  imr  own  ComimiBtUmer  m  tearch  qfOH§), 

HE  letter  of  an  esteemed  cor- 
respondent, writing  from  Man- 
chester, iniorms  me  that  vhen 
an  English  traveller  of  his  ac- 
quaintance presented  himself, 
wearing  the  oat  of  his  country, 
to  a  paoty  of  Choctaw  Indians 
(who  had  never  seen  the  ar- 
ticle before),  they  invested  him 
solemnly  with  the  title  of 
"Father  of  the  Cookinff-Potr 
Did  the  hat  serve  any  such 
culinary  purpose,  it  might,  by 
being  useful,  in  some  measure 
excaseitsnot  beingoraamental. 
But  except  when  an  ingenious 

ROBKET     HODDIN     Or    HeKB 

BoBLEanses  some  gentleman's 
hat  to  make  a  pancake,  or  to  boil 
some  pigeons  in,  I  never  re- 
member to  have  seen  the  article 
used  as  a  cooking  utensil.  This 
digression  over,  I  resume  my 
travelling  observations. 
On  crossing  the  Belgian  Frontier  into  Prussia.  I  was  sensible  of  a 
change  for  the  better.  Felt  had  ousted  silk  and  beaver.  The  chimney- 
pot was  nowhere  to  be  seen,  except  upon  some  obstinate  travelling 
Englishman,  and,  here  and  there,  on  au  Aa°:lo-maniac  of  a  German.  One 
of  my  companions,  whobelo]i<^d  to  the  fotnit^r  intractable  class,  persisted 
in  wearing  his  chimney  pot  in  l\\t  railway  carriage,  to  his  own  infinite 
discomfort,  and  the  utter  ^ mshinjr,  defticmp:,  :ind  unshaping  of  the  thbig 
itself.  The  hat  at  last,  feeling  itself  out  of  place,  took  advantage  oT 
its  wearer's  falling.asleep  to  throw  itself  out  of  the  window,  and  I  oave 
no  doubt  was  run  over  by  the  train.  I  found  the  cap  very  generally 
worn  in  Germany.  The  cap,  I  am  bound  to  say,  has  many  advantages. 
It  may  be  sat  upon.  It  ma^  be  T^ut  into  the  pocket.  It  maybe  made 
pretty  with  embroidery.  It  can  be  chosen  with  an  eye  to  the  fa(Je,  and 
constructed  so  as  to  draw  over  the  ears.  In  all  these  respects,  its 
superiority  to  the  hat  is  incontestable.  But  it  is  an  imperfect  head- 
dress notwithstanding.  There  is  a  want  of  continuity  about  the  peak, 
that  fragment  of  a  brim,  and  in  most  cases  it  labours  under  a  certain 
meanness  and  pettiness  of  cbaracter,  which  must  jprevent  it^  ever  taking 
much  forgeneral  wear,  though,  in  a  carriage,  it  is  both  neat  and  appro- 
priate. Tne  proneness  of  the  Germans  to  mount  uniforms,  on  the 
alighbest  possible  provocation,  has  much  to  do  with  the  prevalence  of  the 
c^  among  them.  German  railway  porters  are  got  up  [ike  non-commis- 
sioned officers,  and  the  eommisnonaire  at  your  hotel,  who  blacks  your 
boots  and  runs — (no,  the  German  never  runs) — walks  on  an  errand,  has 
a  coat  buttoned  up  to  the  neck  with  a  stiff  collar,  red  stripes  down  his 
trousers,  and  not  unfrequently  an  order  at  his  button-hole.  I  believe 
it  is  only  his  poverty  whicn  restrains  him  from  breaking  out  in  epaulettes. 
Prussia  is  peculiarly  uniform-ridden.  I  saw  as  many  soldiers  as  civilians 
when  I  was  there,  and  what  it  must  be  now  the  Landtoehr  is  called  out, 
and  600,000  men  on  foot  (or  horseback),  I  leave  you.  Sir,  to  imagbe. 

Again,  the  German  princes  (as  witness  a  certain  illustrious  prince, 
not  a  hundred  miles  from  Windsor)  have  discovered  the  deep  signifi- 
canoe  of  hats.  Tne;?  have  found  out  the  mysterious  connection  of  white 
felt  with  red  republicauism ;  and  in  many  States  such  felts  are  forbidden 
for  that  reason.  These  potentates  do  not  like  anything  or  anybody  that 
is  wide-awake.  But  the  dangerous  contamination  does  not  seem  to 
extend  to  black  felts,  and  these  may  be  said  to  cover  all  heads  in 
Germany  not  appropriated  to  the  cap.  Such  black  felts,  a  la  Tyrolienne^ 
with  narrow  bnms  and  steeple  crowns ;  or  with  broad  brims  and  low 
crowns,  a /a  Cavalier ;  or  with  round  crowns  and  brims  turned  up  all 
round,  a  la  fancy  fiower-pot.  might  be  encountered  in  every  steamboat, 
and  round  every  billiard-table,  trom  Cologne  to  Prague,  so  far  as  the 
tobacco-smoke  allowed  me  to  discover.  And  wherever  the  State  did 
not  lay  an  embargo  on  the  article,  the  white  felt,  broad-brimmed, 
and  CavalicreMue— the  HeckerUches  Hut  (as  it  has  oeen  called,  after 
the  lamented  ^iden  patriot  of  that  name,  who,  like  our  own  Cuffzy, 
has  now  "left  his  country  for  his  country's  good  ")  came  out  in  all  its 
breadth  of  shadow  and  variety  of  slouch. 

And  a  most  pictur^ue  and  convenient  hat  it  is,  Sir.  I  had  two 
confiscated  during  my  journey,  and  very  nearly  owed  to  my  second  a 
visit  of  some  duration  to  Spandau.  But  still  I  persevered,  from  a  real 
admiration  of  the  form  ana  colour.  And  on  the  whole,  the  hat  I  hare 
seen  which  most  realises  the  conditions  of  the  id^  head-cover,  is  this 
Mune  revolntionar^f  white,  grey,  or  drab  wide-awake— somewhat  broader 
in  the  tmm,  and  higher  in  the  crown,  than  the  last-oonoeived  attunpts 
of  the  same  kind  exnibited  in  our  own  shop-windows. 
Thb  bat  ha»  reel  Titality.    Neither  Pnusiaa  pexsecation,  nor 


Austrian  absolutism,  has  been  able  to  put  it  down.  It  has  snmTed  an 
asfiQclation  with  a  cause  anything  bat  creditable,  and  bids  fair,  before 
lone-,  to  make  its  way  to  the  h^  of  united  Grermany,  which  Pnisoft 
an  d  A  ustria  are  just  now  each  insisting  ought  to  be  on  its  own  shoolden. 
In  Qiy  next  article.  Sir,  I  propose,  vrith  vour  leave,  to  combat  ofageo- 
tions  to  the  discrowning  of  the  reigning  cnimney-pot,  drawn  fnmt  the 
unpicturesqneneas  of  the  rest  of  our  costume,  and  to  point  oat  the 
i^teps  to  be  taken  in  1851  to  set  up  the  rational  hat,  whitti  is  destined 
to  replace  the  national  hat  of  England. 

DRAMAS    FOR    EVERY-DAY    LIFE. 

The  following  drama  is  upon  a  snbiect  that  will  come  home  to  the 
hf'art  lind  tongue,  the  lungs  and  the  Ups,  the  epiglottis  and  the  affec- 
tions»  of  every  Englishman.  There  is  not  a  theme  in  the  whole  range 
of  every-day  fife,  that  so  frequently  furnishes  the  matter  of  conversa- 
tion, jind  there  can  be  none,  consequently,  so  universal  in  its  interest, 
^^  tiie  one  which  forms  the  subiect  of  the  drama  we  are  about  to  present 
to  oitr  readers.  In  every  circle,  at  every  hour  of  every  day,  the  first 
l^ciEut  started  by  every  one  meeting  with  another,  and  taken  up  by  that 
other  with  the  keenest  relish,  is— ITie  Weather.  The  title  may  not 
:ippcar  at  first  sight  a  promising  one,  for  the  purposes  of  the  dramatist ; 
t)ur  if  he  can  succeed  m  presenting  to  his  countiymen  a  tvpe  of  a  drama 
for  evory-day  life,  divested  of  those  common-places  which  long  habit  and 
au  apparent  exhaustion  of  the  theme  may  have  thrown  about  it,  he  will 
be  content  to  hang  up  his  harp  on  the  first  hat-peg  of  "  Tara's,"  or  any 
one  else's  "  hall,"  and  repose,  as  well  as  such  a  suMtitute  for  a  mattress 
will  allow  him,  upon  his  already-acquired  laurels.  But  without  further 
proiogoe,  we  will  "  ring  up,"  and  let  the  curtun  rise  for  the  drama  of 

THE    WEATHEH. 


Mb.  llurrui 

MnB.  ICnvFLS  . 

Mitft.  Sbitzu 
yiMA.  Yawxlkt 


DftAKiTU  PKSatHIJL 

A%  oU/riMd  o/Um  lolc  km^imdqfHaM.  Yxwirutv. 

A  eonurf  oofnoMloaet  <^  Mu.  YAWXUtr,  mad  bumimf 

dmiaUjr  a  UuU  t^ftk*  If  irrrun 
AwUow,wko»elaUkit^aiidtttuaJrimittfUM.MvmA. 


Berrant  to  Mbs.  Tawvlbt. 


Tfte  ScsNS  ptutes  in  ike  draieing-room  of  Mhs.  Yawnlet.  The  S^nffe 
fcpretem*  a  kaxdwme  drawi»g~>  oom,  elegantly  furnUked.  There  i* 
it  door  at  tke  back  opening  on  to  a  kail  in  witcn  it  hung  a  weather 

gin**, 

Ma's.  Yawnlet  (in  a  morning  dreu)  dtseooered  seated  in  convenation 

teiiJk  Mbs.  Shitebs,  vho  toeara  her  thatel  and  bonnet. 
,     ,\f/i.  y.  It  is  indeed !— the  winter,  as  you  say, 
\li\s  now  set  in  with  great  severity. 
I     Mrs,  S.  Not  that  f  think  we  've  reason  to  compUin. 
.  Ill  is  13  December  we  should  recollect. 

Afr.i.  Y.  We  should  indeed — a  very  true  remark : 
Ami  one  that  never  struck  me  till  you  made  it. 

Enter  Servant,  announcing  Ma.  and  Mbs.  HOFri.B. 

Mr.f,  Y.  (rising).  Dear  Mbs.  Muffle,  this  is  very  kind. 
To  come  to  see  me  on  a  day  like  this, 
Wliicb  I  and  Mrs.  Shitbbs  (whom  you  know) 
Were  just  remarking  was  extremely  cold. 

M,%  M.  Cold— do  you  think ! 

Mrs,  Y.  Yea — ^prav  come  near  the  fire. 

Mtt.  M.  Oh !  Thank  you— no— 1  *d  really  rather  not. 
I  'm  very  warm  with  walking.  ISits  at  a  distanee. 

Mrt,  S.  Probably. 

Bat  "A'alking  somehow  never  makes  me  warm. 

lAn  awkward  pause^  dnring  which  Mr.  Muffle  puis  hit  jitpert 
between  the  bars  of  a  parrofs  cage,  as  if  playing  with  the  bird, 
receives  a  tatage  tnap,  but  sags  nothing,  as  the  affair  is  not 
remarked  bp  anybody, 

Mrs.  r.  What  thmk  you,  Mistea  Muffle,  will  it  rain? 
You  gentlemen  can  always  judge  so  well. 

Mr,  M.  {walking  to  the  window,  partly  to  conceal  tke  pai*  <^  kit 
JiifffM-  Why  that  depends  a  good  deal  on  the  wind. 

Mrt.  S,  Thty  say  that  when  the  smoke  is  beaten  down. 
Rain  may  be  looked  for. 

Mrs  M.  I  have  often  heard 

That  If  the  birds  fly  very  near  the  ground. 
Wet  Of  in  store.    Look  at  that  sparrow  now. 
He 's  fairly  o»  the  ground,  so  it  must  rain. 

Mn  Y.  But  now  lie's  off  again,  and  so  it  won't. 
Thos€  adages,  I  think,  are  often  wrong. 

Mr.  Si.  One  rule  I  Ve  always  foona  infallible. 

Mrs,  S.  Pray  tell  us  what  it  is. 

Mrs.  Y.  Do— I  entreit. 

It  would  be  so  oonvenient  to  know 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


245 


Some  oerUta  rule  hj  which  to  guide  one's  lelf. 
Ut  kUss  deceives  me  often. 

Jifn.  M.  {in  a  mental  aside).  Rather  say 
Your  glaae  IcIIb  often  ftome  unpleasant  truths. 

Mr.  M.  JMLr  weather-^a«s.  dear  Madam,  is  my  com. 

Mrt.  U.  "Why,  really,  Mister  M,.  you  *ra  uuite  absurd ; 
Have  wo  the  nieans  of  guidance  sucb  as  thatf 
Yon  're  positively  rude. 

Mrs.  I.  Hauffhing).        Oh.  not  at  all ; 
He's  trod  upon  no  lender  pkce  of  mine. 

Mr4.  a.  I  ve  Iieard  some  storr  of  the  tails  of  oow» 
Tis  said  that  when  to  the  wind  s  nuaHci'  turn'd, 
They  augur  rain.     Now  tell  me,  Mr.  Muwlb, 
Do  vou  believe  in  that  ? 

j/r.  M.  I  'd  trust  a  oow*8, 

Aa  well  as  any  other  idle  tail. 

Mrs.  y.  That  'a  soyiDg  very  little.    Tell  me,  now, 
(For  your  opinion,  really,  I  respect,) 
Are  mackcrcMooking  clouds  a  sign  of  wet  ? 

Mr.  M.  I  think  it  probable  that  mackerel  clouds 
Betoken  wet,  ju»t  at  a  mackerers  aelf 
Puts  us  in  mind  of  water. 

Mn.  S.  Are  irou  joldng, 

Or  ipcakinff  as  a  scieniiQc  man  r 

Jtfri.  y.  Vou  're  such  a  wa/,  there  'a  nercr  any  knowing 
When  you  arc  serious,  or  half  in  jcflt. 
Dear  Mb3.  Mume,  you  that  know  him  best. 
Shall  we  beliere  him  r 

Mrt.  M.  Oh,  I  can  say  nothing. 

IJ/i  Imugh  for  $ome  miiinfet,  on  and  off  at  tie  potnbjt/  intended  wit  </ 
Mh.  Mrrrtr ;  and  tlui  tiitering  having  aied  qf^adtutlfft  there 
u  a  pause. 

Mn.  M,  (to  Mra,  y.)  Have  you  been  out  much  lately  ? 

Mh.  Y.  No,  indeed, 

Tlu!  dampness  in  the  air  prevented  mo. 

Mrs.  S.  'Tia  rather  drier  now. 

Mn.  r.  ^  I  think  it  ia. 

I  hope  I  shall  be  getting  out  next  week,  '^ 

Ifl  can  find  a  clear  and  frosty  day. 

Mr.  M.  I  think  'tis  rery  prob&ble  you  will. 

Mrs.  y.  I  * ni  quite  delighted  to  have  heard  you  say  ao ; 
But  are  you  guiasing  us  ?    You  *re  such  a  quia ! 

Mr.  y.  [vith  serious  eamestnesa),  JBclieve  me,  Mbs.  Yawkl^y,  when 
I  Bay 
I  *ve  far  too  much  regard— too  much  esteem— 
For  one  1  've  known  as  long  aa  I  've  known  you. 
To  say  a  word  intruding  to  mislead: 
In  friendship's  solemn  earnestness  I  said, 
And  aay  ami,  pledging  my  honour  on  it, 
*Tia  my  beUcf  we  may,  ere  very  long, 
Some  clear  and  frosty  days  anticipate. 

Mrs.  T.  1  know  your  kindness,  and  I  feel  it  much ; 
You  were  my  poor  dear  husband  s  eaHy  friend. 

{Taking  out  Arr  handkerrhief.    Mrs.  S.  goes  toteards  the  tetndotc  to 
avoid  fteing  involvfd  in  the  sc^ne. 
I  feel  that  though  with  cheerful  badinage 
You  now  and  then  amuae  a  passing  hour, 
When  with  a  serious  appeal  addressed, 
You  never  make  a  frivolous  reply. 

Mrs.  M.  irisiMfft  and  kissing  Mrs.  Y.)  You  do  him  jiusHce,  but  mc 
must  be  going. 

Mr.  M.  (ffiring  his  hand  to  Mas.  Y.)  Good  morning,  Mrs.  Yawmlxt. 

Mrs  y.  Won't  you  wait. 

And  take  some  luncheon  ? 

Mr.  M.  Thank  you  ;  no,  indeed  j 

We  must  be  getting  home,  I  fear  'twill  rain. 

Mrs.  S.  1  think  you  go  my  way— I  'ra  in  a  fly, 


id  shall  be  very  glad  to  set  you  down. 

M.  Oh.  thank  you  ;  tlmt's  delightful. 


Y.) 


8o.ru  say 


Mrs.....  „..^ 
Mrs.  S.  (to  Mrs 
Good  bye  at  once. 
Mrs.  r.  WeU.  if  you  wiU  not  cUy. 

[Mb.  and  Mrs.  MrrFLE,  and  Mba.  Siin'EBS.  «sviial  ^  the  door. 
Mas.  Yawslxt  goes  to  the  bell.  Ma.  Mum.B  tafys  on  the 
toeaiher-glast ;  the  belt  rings  ;  and  the  glass^  vhifh  i*  going  down, 
aits  considerably  at  the  same  moment  tts  the  curtain. 


Speaking  Likeness. 


Wz  have  seen  so  many  speaking  likenesses  that  were  so  little  like  the 
uglv  obiecta  they  were  supposed  to  represent,  that  we  really  believe 
iAneee  '* speaking'*  likenesses  had  the  power  of  speaking,  tiiey  would 
experience  a  very  great  difficulty  in  telliug  the  names  oT  the  ])erson& 
they  resembled. 


FEARFUL  RETRTBUrrON. 

KiiTAiu  persons  — Mb.  Roxbcce, 
too.amonRsI  them— have  been  flnd- 
ingfaultwith  Loan  John  Rtsseu. 
for  the  energetic  Letter  he  wrote 
to  the  Bisiior  or  Di^rrav,  caUinif 
:',  "list  other  milk-and-water  olah 
^  "intemperate,"  "  ill- 
,  '  ''indiscreet/'  ftc.  But  if 
!:is  Lordship  is  to  blame  in  the 
•ittpf,  we  an*  sure  he  has  been 
""'  'mMv  punished  for 
vinsf  to  read  all 
..  ..i.-.w,:.  ,,M,i.  Imvo  been  cent 
ri  him  in  reply  to  it.  Mr.  St. 
lUuNAms  BcwvBTT,  for  iust.flnoe, 
sent  him  the  other  day  a  very 
agreeable  communication,  onlv  five 
colunms  long,  which  he  had  the 
refined  cnirlty  to  call  his  "First 
Lctlrr."  This  threat  is  so  obvious, 
that  we  really  think  Mb.  Bennett 
miRht  be  taken  into  custody  upon 
the  charge  of  Laving  written  a  threatcnmg  letter  to  Lord  Johs 
BussKLL  with  a  view  of  working  upon  his  frars,  and  intimidating 
him  in  the  execution  of  his  duly.  Who  would  remain  Premier  of 
England,  with  the  dread  constantly  before  him  of  receiving  from 
Ma.  Bennett  a  letter,  oidv  five  columns  long,  once  a  week  ?  \i  e  only 
know  if  we  were  Prime  Minister,  the  prospect  of  reccivbg  another 
Letter  like  it— and  there  ia  no  knowing  now  many  more— would  make 
uB  instantly  resign. 


GREEN  GROW  THE  CRITICS,  OH! 

Dbaxatic  criticism  is  rather  at  a  low  ebb,  and  the  critics,  in  self- 
defence— plead  a  sort  of  *'  confession  and  avoidance,"  that  is  to  sav, 
ther  confess  that  there  is  very  little  in  their  criticisms ;  but  they  add, 
with  much  truth,  that  there  is  very  little  to  criticise. 

We  wish,  however,  that  they  would  at  least  endeavour  to  throw  the 
charm  of  novelty  into  their  pnraseology,  which  is  becoming  fearfully 
stale  from  frequent  repetition.  We  are  aick  of  hearing  tnat,  "Mju 
So-AMD-so  was  respectable  in  the  small  part  of  the  Captain ;"  or  that 
Miss  Joutiuje  "  bad  nothing  to  do  but  to  lock  pretty,  in  which  we  need 
not  sav  she  aoouitted  herself  to  the  aati&faetiou  of  tBe  audience."  We 
should  alao  feel  refreshed  by  something  in  place  of  the  old  intimation 
that  "Mjl  B.  convulsed  the  house  by  his  osnal  quaint  manner;"  or 
that  "  Mil  M.  threw  his  usual  amount  of  unction  into  the  part  of  the 
General." 

We  are  not  sufficiently  skilled  ia  theatrical  chemistry  to  be  able  to 
analyse  the  style  of  Mr.  M.  or  Mb.  L.,  or  Ma.  Antbodt,  with  such 
nicety  as  to  admit  of  our  extracting  the  "unction" — putting  it,  as  it 
were,  on  a  separate  plate — from  the  rest  of  the  acting,  and  weighing  it 
in  a  scale,  as  a  sort  of  guide  from  which  to  form  aa  estimate  of  the 
"  usual "  quantity.  We  are  tired,  moreover,  of  being  told  that  "  the 
part  was  one  which  enabled  Mr,  Charles  Matth^ews  to  displav  his 
customary  coolness,"  especially  when  the  piece  is  far  more  caiculated 
to  displav  the  extreme  "  coolness  "  with  which  t  he  plaj' wright  has  stolen 
it  from  the  French,  and  put  his  own  name  to  it.  We  admit  that  there 
is  little  in  the  present  state  of  the  drama  to  encourage  criticism  to  an 
honourable  exertion  of  its  best  powers ;  for  we  are  quite  ready  to  own 
that  the  breaking  of  bnttertlies  on  the  wheel  is  not  a  more  superfluoua 
operation  than  submitting  the  Grub — or  Grub  Street — to  the  same  dis- 
proportionate punishment.  However,  feebleness  reacts  upon  itself,  and 
a  healthv  criticism  might  do  sometlung  towarda  tlie  restoration  of  a 
healthy  arania ;  hut,  as  things  go  at  present,  the  wish-wash  of  tJie 
makes  the  wishy-washy  stun  oftbe  stage,  wliioh  it  lives  upon. 


THE  LAUREATESmP, 

We  arc  glud  to  find  the  Laureateabip  filled  up  at  last,  if  it  is  only  ou 
account  of  the  numerous  expectants  woo  were  Kept  in  suspense,  in  the 
hope  of  obtaining  tlie  oflice.  .\  |)opular  comic  vocalist  sent  in  a  tender, 
we  believe,  with  specimens  of  congratulatory  odes  and  an  offer  to 
attend  and  sing  tlirm  himself  at  any  or  all  of  ihe  Palace  dinners;  and 
men  uf  some  pretensions  to  the  jvo^t  furnished  c&timates,  but  as  these 
were,  in  most  cases,  ovrr-cstimatca  of  themselves,  no  attention  was 
paid  to  them.  Considerable  disappointment  is  said  to  liave  been  caused 
io  one  of  the  candidates,  who  prides  himself  on  being  a  great  impro- 
viMtore ;  but  he  consoled  himself  partially  under  his  vexation,  by  the 


remark 

iniproviwv..vw  »..<.-i.»»  »•  ■»•  ..p>|f.u..^.- p,  ..w  v\yi 

expected  an  once  at  the  hands  of  a  Whig  government 


J  that  he  failed  entirely  owing  to  political  causes — for,  bcinx  an 
improviaa-Torv,  instead  of  an  improvi'^a-Whig,  he  could  varcelv  nave 


0E0UNDLES8     ALAEH. 

Bqutitfriati.  "Now,  Bot,  dow't  tcu  be  t\kiko  orv  yovu  Hat  to  makb  me  a  Botf— tou'u. 

FRlGHTf»   HT   itoBSR."' 

Boj^.  "A— A— A  warn't  A-eoiNG  to!" 


THE  Ittisa  IfElfAOEim. 

We  understand  ilint  there  is  to  be 
a  much  ffm'v'-'  -'■'-■■■':"  -*'   '-"-i*** 

'us 

!'Qf 

vJMfors  from  Ilia  SiJ&kr  ii^UnU  to«eo 
the  lions. 


I 


THE  CAMBRIDGE  MONUMENT. 

TfiERR  has  been  q  mat  dftmonstnitinn  nerprtratpd  in  favour  of  the 
Conibiidtfu  Te^timoniiu.  Al  leiist  forty  entuuMn>lic  individuals  met  hy 
advert  isRniRnt,  to  prove  that  tJiPy  wrre  dreadfully  in  parnfisl. ;  and  ftfter 
;« .^pleudid  di^tplay  of  eloqueat  fireworks,  srinnited  without  doiu^  any- 
thing. And  this  was  very  judicioua,  because  it  snpplic:*  them  with  a 
*«ry  prrtpcr  excuse  for  ineetiu>?  apain.  Seven  plans  were  disrusscd  its 
sianiiicanHy  bearing  upon  the  best  menus  of  scndiiii  the  late  Durb  or 
Caubkidok  duwu  to  posterity.  Plan  0  was  "a  bixinze  equestrian 
statue!"  Wt  are  very  sorry  timt  this  plan  should  be  abandoned. 
London  is  very  naked  of  statues,  and  Cambridire  in  TrafalRar  Snuare 
would  have  very  nicely  Iwlanced  the  bronze  effipy  of  the  lamented  Gkohoe 
TUK  FouKTi?,  whose  virtues  as  a  man  cannot  be  tooeiirncsMy  sludird, 
and  too  zealously  copied,  by  the  British  vouth.  The  Matue  btmgout  of 
the  qnesliOT),  Plan  Nu!nber  2 — for  on  asylura  for  widows  of  nonconimis- 
aioned  oncers  and  prirates  of  the  annv — promises  to  become  the 
favourite.  One  speaker  talked  very  hij|vcfiuly  of  the  yearly  subscriptions 
to  be  expected  from  the  non-oommissioned  officers  and  privates  of  the 
130  regiments  of  the  line.     When  we  (vmsidrr  Ihr  '  nrntofnay 

eiyoyed  by  ever>  full  private,  when  we  reflect  u  i  ulty  that 

continually  besets  him  in  the  pleasant  "mI  ■  *  ii...  ,i .  i.  ..tiire  of  his 
entire  shiliinjr  p^  Jiem  the  Cainbridfie  comes  in  delightfully 

to  his  aid-  and  he  will  have  the  proi;  lou  of  ft^eling  that  he 

has  coutrinutcd  1.0  the  inemoriol  of^a  man  who  with  a  princely  incoine — 
for  venr  many  yr.irs  doubled  bv  riceregul  pay— left  his  son  aud  daughter 
to  be  tound  in  bo:ird  and  lon^iinu;  by  an  adniirinft  i>eople.  Thut  the 
late  Duke  oi*  f^AMUKiOGE  should  nccomc  a  yearly  eliarjjc  to  the  private 
soldier,  must  eudear  his  memory  in  a  manner  that  it  is  almost  too 
affcctins  to  contcinplat-e  -  though  in  a  general  sense  and  as  a  matter  of 
natiooal  delight,  wc  think  the  £1:2,000  per  annual  enjoyed  by  the 
present  illustrious  Duke  is  a  suiHcieot  and  an  abiding  memento  of  the 
oame  of  Cakbhidgb. 


The  only  One  Thing  that  Hever  Changes. 
We  lee  fn)m  the  foreign  correspondence  of  the  newspapers  that 

"  T*ini4:t  Taxu  bu  btteu  orderrd  to  in4kQ  an  tmniedUld  ftrfruM*.'* 

It  is  very  carious,  but  directly  there  is  a  war,  or  even  the  rumour  of 
a  war,  it  is  sure  to  be  folloftea— no  matter  in  what  kingdom— by  an 
immediate  aiKance  of  Taxes. 


ONE  WAY  TO  OPPOSE  PAPAL  AGGIIESSION. 


hare  re- 

'  arrest 

n  r»f  the 

at 

<>l 
rut 

>ed 
.rs 


The  public  will  be  glad  to  hear  that  the  BishopR  n-  *  f'^ 
solved  on  adopting  a  cuurse  which  is  calrulalcu  • 
the  proffrcasot  Pa[>a!  ustirpation.  It  is  said  that,  i  i 
cordial  assistance  which  t lie v  are  experiencin;?  at  the  i>i 
the  hands  of  Dissenters  of  all  denomniutions  the-y  hnvp  ■: 
feriously  revising?  their  articles  and  formula- 1' 
really  certain  essential  p<tints,  ayreement  on 
for  their  mutual  union.  It  is,  however,  re^ju;:,  ; 
tinctly  to  renounce  all  claims  and  pretensions  fm 
from  that  theory  of  infullibility  aiarwinst  which  they  c 
ohlii^cd  to  proicst.  Rumour  has  likewise  circulated  lUe  welcome  in- 
tellijrence  that  they  are  about  to  apply  to  the  i,effi9lature  for  a  strictly 
cquHable  adjustment  of  Church  property,  with  rofeienee  «ddy  to  its 
Icfritiiiiate  purposes. 

The  story  further  goes,  that  the  Dissenters  have  decided  on  rclm- 
(luishinar  any  whims  or  erotclieta  which  may  hitherto  hav  Ijeen.  on 
their  side,  obstacles  to  coalition.  Lastly,  it  is  deohired  thnt  all  o/ 
the  parties,  being  now  awake  to  the  coust-^  '    ung  the 

IKtpulation  to  remain  in   ignorance,  will  e;i!  ■   in  the 

diffusion  of  knowledge,  with  a  view  to  the  >..,... .ciisonsud 

the  extension  of  eoinmon  sense,  which  nill  be  as  imi^ortaut  h  atepss 
any  that  may  be  taken  to  resist  papal  nggrrssioQ. 


*  Popery  in  newer  and  Popery  in  the  Sud.*' 

Lord  Asuley,  at  tlic  Cro'. i    '■ -'•r-^  spoke  of  }'-",■—--  the 

above  two-fold  condition.     /  !^'  set  to  \^  iiia 

siieciincna ;  and  buhjoini  the  I  d.    Thcfmi   .  A^r 

was  obtained  from  the  ^rdeit  uf  ttiu  bouse  attached  to  bl.  Gtx>rge*9 
Chapel  the  modest  opening  hud  from  the  gardens  of  f  ulUam ; — 


Tire  Il/)WMl 


t 


TSK  BUS, 


THE    CAT'S  PAW;    or,  POOR    PU(S)SEY 


PUNCH,   OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


SYMPATHY  FOE  THE  HIGHER  ORDEES. 

Y  way  of  chuiige 
for  "  Shocking 
Cataatrophc, 
"Frightful  Ca- 
sualty.'* or 
"  Mclancholr 
and  Fatal  Oc- 
currence," the 
Morning  Pott 
of  Thursday, 
last  week,  re- 
lates an  acci- 
dent under  a 
heading  equallv 
strikingandon- 
gioal— thus  :— 

"  VutOAB  flpoim.— On  TnudAj  lut,  tbe  floor  of»  room  In  t  beer-lioun  la  MRtiehe»- 
t«r  fiU  in  with  ui  UMrabUce  orW  or  40  nwo,  who  were  anJoylnK  ilm  Inlrll^TUial  ^ra- 
Uflcittion  nf  wltnc«tlDg  ■  Mlebnlad  terrtar  wotrr  t  nombor  of  nvtA,  In  a  f:ivon  numlx^r 
of  mlnates.  A  man  aamed  Toolb  had  bU  tplnu  nvetarad,  and  has  slnrv  AivA.  A  Mcond, 
named  Cau,  had  hia  right  thigh  brokffo,  and  U  In  adangwtnui  sUM,  and  aevent)  othcra 
an  much  iojored." 

What  womld  the  gentleman  who  dishes  up  the  Post  for  fashionable 
breakfast  tables  think  of  such  a  description  as  the  Bubjoincd,  of  an 
accident,  attended  with  loss  of  Ufe,  occurring  among  sportsuiea  of  the 
superior  classes  ? —       • 

••  Abibto^itic  AwrnwrtjTTH.— Yeaterday,  U»  brow  of  a  gravct-plt  gava  way  with  a 
party  of  uubleinen  and  gvatlemcn  vlio  were  ont  with  the  Qckkii'b  boonda,  aqjoylng  Uw 
Inteflfctiial  gratification  of  boln'MInK  a  numlwr  of  dogi  vottt  a  stag,  A  aoblemaiu 
narasd  MoaTaaua,  had  hU  akuH  fracturetl,  and  bas  alnoe  died.  Another,  named 
Uowaan,  had  thtaa  of  hia  tlb«  brokoo,  and  Uea  in  a  precarloai  oondlUoo,  and  aaveral 
CroUaoiaa  baiiaaa  vera  aorntly  hurt. 

Perhaps  this  would  appear  to  our  friend  of  the  Poai  a  somewhat 
over-light  and  airy  style  oT  reporting  death  and  fractures.  Pcradvcn- 
ture  those  mischanecs.  with  the  accessories  of  stags  and  hounds,  would 
be  looked  upon  as  rather  more  serious  matters  than  they  seem  to  have 
been  in  oonne\ion  with  rats  and  terriers,  by  that  gentleman— or  gentle* 
man's  gentleman. 


GRAND  TERPSICHOREAN  FEAT. 

We  are  informed  that  the  Baron  Nathan  is  practising  a  step,  which 
is  to  leave  all  his  other  steps  many  thousand  steppes  oohiud.  This 
step  is  no  other  than  dancing  a  hornpipe  amongst  the  toys  and  iea-eypt  in 
the  LoKther  ArcafU  f  Tbe  time  selected  for  the  grand  terpaichorean 
achievement  will  bo  five  o*clock  in  the  afternoon,  and  any  one  who 
knows  the  ahonost  impassable  state  of  the  Lowtber  Arcatle  at  that  hour 
of  the  day,  will  be  able  to  appreciat/s  the  many  hundred  Ihotisand  diffi- 
oolties.  in  the  shape  of  chiloren's  drums,  and  oabies'  tea-things,  which 
the  iDde£atlgable  Bason  will  have  to  meet  with  in  hia  way.  He  is 
very  sanguine,  however,  of  success,  and  has  adopted  an  ingenious 
mode  of  training:,  which  we  cannot  resist  the  temptation  of  recording. 
He  gives  directions,  every  morning  after  breakfast,  that  his  study  may 
be  instantly  "put  to  rights."  Thi.s  study  contains  some  of  the  finest 
specimens  of  art,  in  the  shape  of  Bohenuan  mugs,  China  cows,  chalk 
Apolloft,  Wedgwood  Venuses,  Parian  milk-maids,  aod  medieval  chim- 
ney-sweeps— mostly  the  gifts  of  ^teful  noblemen  and  lo^elvpccressesj 
who  have  not  blushed  to  receive  instructions  from  the  gifted  feet  of  the 
Baaon.  When  the  room  is  "  put  to  rights,"  and  the  disorder  consc- 
mxently  is  at  the  very  highest,  tno  bold  Babon  dashes  frantically  into 
tne  middle  of  the  confusion,  and  there  indulges  for  hours  in  the  wildest 
flights  of  genius  amidst  the  heap  of  scattered  things.  As  yet  the  fiABON 
has  not  even  broken  off  a  branch  of  the  gilt  tree  which  generallv  grows 
out  of  the  back  of  the  peculiar  breed  of  China  cows,  sold  in  J^ngland, 
and  he  expects  by  Christmas — which  is  the  period  when  the  Lowther 
Arcade  is  the  most  crowded  ^vith  the  ephemeral  trifles  of  the  festive 
season — to  be  quite  perfect.  Wc  hope  that  good  fortune  may  smile 
ui)on  both  of  the  Ba&on's  legs,  so  that  he  may  not  put  Ids  foot  into  a 
siiigle  Christmas  Box.    At  least  £1000  is  dependent  upon  the  result. 


Stray  Piece  of  Wit  Picked  up  at  the  Promtnade  Ooncerts. 

On  one  of  the  most  crowded  nights  the  visitors  overflowed  the 
vacant  space  at  the  back  of  the  orcueatra.  This  vacant  space  is  filled 
with  statues  standing  in  the  midst  of  small  patches  of  Saloon  Garden- 
ing. The  crowd  kept  flowing  faster  and  faster,  and  a  little  gentleman 
was  carried  away  by  the  strength  of  the  current:  "Don't!  pray  don't 
piisU ! "  he  screamed  out,  from  the  middle  of  one  of  these  patches, 
with  his  arms  clingim^  for  support  round  the  waist  of  Apollo.  "  Don't 
push  80.— I'm  standing  in  a  llower-pot."—"  Well,  then,"  retorted  a 
malicions  Guardsman,  Since  you  are  m  the  flower-pot,  my  little  fellow, 
you  may  as  well  stop  there,— and  grow." 


MODEL  PASTORAL. 

ADOaSSSED  TO  HIS  FLOCK,  BT  TOS  EIGHT  BZV.  DR.  B.  B.  LAV6KINB, 
nisnOP  OP  CAMBPRWELL;  LATB  BISHOP  OP  BJITN0CBE05,  AJ<D  V.A, 
OP  THE  SUBURBAN   HISTBICT. 

Blaise  Bonnkb,  ^.,  BUhop  (f  CambervxU^  and  Jdminittraior 
of  the  J)iocf*e  of  Peckham  Rfe^  to  our  Dearly  Belaoed  the 
i^rgy,  aeeular  and  rrgulw^  and  the  Faii^f  tff  the  9aid 
Diocfwetf  Health  and  Benediction^  ^e. 

"Dearlt  Bbloted, 

"  At  length  our  dear  oountrv,  tlirough  so  many  rolling  years 
trampled  under  tfic  demoniacal  hoof  of  a  pestiferous  heresy,  and  pursuing 
its  ccecnlrio  and  baleful  ellipse  far,  far  into  the  desolate  realms  of 
chaos^  has  now  returned  into  its  proper  orbit,  to  its  legitimate  circum- 
gyration about  the  centre  of  the  ecclesiastical  universe,  jtist,  my  dearly 
beloved,  as  tlie  olwdient  solar  lununary  diumally  revolves  around  the 
mighty  Itrrestriul  globe  —  whatever  the  Tuscan  heretic  may  hare 
pretended  to  the  oontrary. 

"  Well  might  this  change  in  our  position,  dearly  beloved,  excite  in  as 
emotions  of  the  proudest  exultation ;  but  let  us  rather  contemplate  it 
with  a  becoming  humility ;  let  us  speak  of  it  in  the  simple  Ungoage  of 
modesty,  and  not  tn  the  florid  inflated  phraseology  of  pompous 
arrogance. 

"  But  how  arc  you  to  act  amid  the  racing  storm  which  the  san^- 
nary  animosity  of  the  impUcablo  enemies  of  your  faith  has  raised 
around  you  ?  My  dearly  beloved,  you  must  bear  yourselves  meekly 
towards  those  atrocious  calumniators.  You  must  remonstrate  mildly 
and  moderately  with  these  malignant  and  wilful  defamers  of  your  creed 
and  vijur  morals, 

"  Submit  patiently  to  the  taunts  of  the  profane,  the  abandoned,  the 
reprobate  wretches.  When  you  are  reviled  by  the  monsters,  revile 
them  not  in  ret^im— the  odious  detestable,  afwminable  wicked  mis- 
creants !  No,  dearly  beloved :  oe  gentle  and  tender  in  confuting 
their  execrable  heresies.  Deny  without  acrimony  their  slanderous 
accusations ;  their  dreadful,  horrid,  appalling,  lemiic  lies.  Gaze  on 
with  a  compassionate  serenity  whilst  our  sacred  vestments,  and  all  our 
most  precious  mysteries,  are  burlcfiqurd  and  caricatured  by  the  reptiles 
— the  serpents.  Oh !  never  think  of  avenging  your  outraged  pastors, 
although  you  yourselves  are  insulted  iu  their  persona  by  the  vermiiL 
Let  no  reproaches,  however  bitter,  provoke  you  to  retort  on  your 
spiteful,  insolent,  malevolent  traduccrs.  Oh,  no!  dearly  beloved, 
return  not  scorn  for  scorn  wncn  you  are  scoffed  at  by  these  con- 
temptible heretics,  the  miserable  mushrooms  of  scarce  three  centuries, 
and  vile  spawn  of  Wtcuppe  and  Ltttttrr  and  John  Kxox.  Let  your 
scrupulous  respect  to  the  constituted  authorities  show  how  submissive 
and  forbearing  you  con  be  whilst  the  shafts  of  impious  ridicule  are 
hurled  at  the  solemn  rites  of  your  worship  by  the  Prime  Mimster  or 
THE  Crown.  Be  patient— enduring — forgiving— whil.st  Her  Majesty's 
Clergy  arc  doing  their  utmost  to  unleash  the  bloodhoimds  of  persecu- 
tion on  you.  An  !  you  must  love  and  pity  those  rascals  and  scoundrels. 
You  must  address  the  villains  in  the  language  of  charity,  and  not  launch 
invectives  at  the  barbarians,  blackguards,  brutes,  beasts.  Yes!  dearly- 
beloved^  return  benedictions  for  the  curses  of  an  infuriated  rabble. 
Yes !  with  the  kindness  of  brotherly  affection,  repay  the  frantic  hatred 
of  the  ferocious  mob.  Yes !  let  words  of  peace  ana  good-will  be  your 
response  to  the  death-whoop,  smiles  of  beniniity  your  reply  to  the 
meoAcing  grimaces,  of  the  savage  heathens,  the  pagans,  the  crew  of 
inKcJels,  the  herd  of  misbelievers,  odious  as  tne  ManiohiBans,  pernicious 
as  the  disciples  of  Simon  Magus.  Oh,  yes!  dcariy  beloved;  and, 
finally,  evince  the  plenitude  of  obedience  to  rulers  who  combine  the 
treachery  of  Judas  with  the  craft  of  Hebod  and  the  cruelty  of 
Pilate. 

"Blaise  Bonneb, 

"  JdmiHMlralar  e/  U<  Dietm  ^  AeUaai  Jjm,** 
*'  CriVBT  AT  CAXSiawau^  Ike,  10.** 


4 


4 


Bitting  two  Opposite  Sects  with  the  Same  Proverb. 

As  tlio  Temperance  Societies  are  about  to  hold  a  series  of  mrctinga 
at  Exeter  Halt  at  which,  as  a  matter  of  course,  a  great  deal  of  noitseiise 
will  be  spouted  forth,  and  the  beauties  of  temperance  illustrated  in 
Lwguagc  not  always  drawn  from  tbe  same  source,  we  present  theui  with 
the  following  motto,  which  we  hope  every  teetotal  speaker  will  bear  iu 
mind  as  he  rises  on  uis  legs  to  speak. 

"  II  a'r  a  paa  dq  %a\  dann  oo  monda  qal  ds  peal  trmiTar  tta  plui  grand  ao(  <|im 
Ini-inlme." 

The  beauty  of  the  above  motto  is  that  the  Temperance  Societies 
may  apply  it  with  jtistice  to  their  speakers,  and  yet  uphold  it  with 
equal  truth  iu  furtherance  of  their  own  good  cause ;  for  it  will  tnmaUte 
most  admirably  in  the  following  manner: — 

'  Tnaas  i*  40  Sot    la  mia  wokld  (MTt  mma  is  auaa  to  ran  *■  <»:aKvcw  v« 
TOAjr  auuKLr." 


4 
4 


\^=4-' 


350 


PUNCH.  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


8IE  CHAELES  WOOD'S  TALES  OF  WONDEE. 

N  uliat  acconnt  sliou]d 
we  dlEbeliere  in 
the  linking  pic- 
ture of  Rim  mi,  or 
intlieliquefjftclion 
of  tbo  blcfod  of 
St.  jANiiAairs, 
when  only  last. 
week  so  Hfitoimd- 
iltg  a  statement 
as  the  fullowitig 
was  mude  in  the 
Times  .-*— 

"TllcClUSCEt.LOB 

or  TUB  LjccsfcuiTKa 
■ekbcivlL^Rc!!  ih«  re- 
cei]jt  of  i^  tQ  iii'b 
credit  of  loooniB  TaJt, 
inelofiCd  In  K  letter 
froca  ^Ijiuoutl].," 

Coasiderinfthe 
want  of  equity — 
in  plain  lemis  the 
iniquity-^ of  the 
operation  of  Ibe 
Income  Tai,  one 
can  haxdly  be  less 
surprised  at  I  Lie 
aboTc  announce- 
ment than  oae 
would  be  At 
this ; — 
"  J0-.  Anidl  Kknowltdgu  Uie  neelpt  of  £100  Inclosed  to  him  In  a  Idler  from  '  Q.  F.. 

Sumy/  •■  '  oonwlniee  moneTi  being  the  amotrnt  ooncealed  hj  a  mie^tbteauint  from 

tar^tani  when  the  honae  wu  oraken  Into  the  other  day.* " 

But  the  wonder  of  wonders  is  to  come.  The  Time*  p&mgraph  goes 
on  to  say, 

**  The  CHAsciLLoa  of  thb  EzoHKqtTER  also  acknowledges  the  receipt  of  £d  fitxm 
'  UiPiauBf*  as  a  repaTmeot  of  pabUo  monej  receired  when  not  legal  ly  entiLlai  IQ  H" 

The  wonder,  however,  here  is  not  the  restitution,  but  the  circumstance 
of  their  being  aurthing  to  restore.  Of  all  the  novelties  of  iLeae  extra- 
ordinary times,  the  strangest,  to  the  mind  of  Mr.  Pwich,  i$  the  faet, 
that  there  exists  a  medical  man  who  has  received  any  public  money  to 
which  he  was  not  legally;  entitled.  If  Punch  had  a  fartUing  of  such 
monev,  he  would  frame  it  and  gUze  it ;  if  he  had  two  farthinjcs.  he 
woula  send  the  second  to  the  British  Museum ;  if  the  whole  £6  had 
beoi  transmitted  to  him,  he  would,  instead  of  paTing:  the  sum  iato  the 
Exchequer  have  sent  a  farthing  a-piece*  to  all  the  umon  workhouses  iu 
the  Umted  Kingdom,  to  be  preserved,  bv  way  of  menieuto,  in  the 
board-room^  ana  the  renuunder  he  would  have  distributed  betweaa  the 
surgeons  of  those  establishments— thus  making,  proportiooally,  a  very 
considerable  addition  to  their  incomes- 


WISEMAN  IN  HIS  DINING-ROOM. 

NiCHOLiLS  WiSEMAK  has  been  cruell/  libelled  by  the  press.  He  has 
been  charged  with  receiving  Catholic  visitors  and  neophUc^  tn  state  in 
the  dming-room  attached  to  St.  George's  Chapel.  It  wua  said  of  bint, 
that  "  he  threw  himself  comfortably  back  into  an  arm-chair,  and  that  be 
exacted  more  than  the  extreme  ngour  of  royal  etiquette.**  No  such 
thing,  says  Alexakser  Goss,  of  St.  Edward's,  Liverpool ;  atid  we  im- 
i^ciuy  believe  him.  No  doubt,  malignity  has  strangely  iuiobJed  tbe 
two  Cardinals— Cabdotal  Wisekak,  at  St.  George's,  and  Osfdiml 
WoUey,  at  the  Haymarket  Theatre.  That  Wiseman  is,  at  Ibc  preJsetit 
moment,  only  Wolset  in  his  early  state — like  a  young  hedgehog  in  the 
wool,  to  come  out  all  over  prickles,  and  not  to  be  touched  by  layiijii^ers 
— we  can  readily  believe :  but  that  Wiseuan — give  him  liia  growtb — 
would  be  Wolset  in  all  his  glory,  we  have  the  authority  of  hla  un- 
changing  and  infallible  Church  for  our  assurance.  At  present,  however, 
we  can  oelieve  Wisekan  the  very  combination  of  Cnristian  humility 
and  gentlemanly  conrte^.  We  can  believe  him  with  paicm^d  affection 
receiving  "  yoimg  fiienas,  entire  strangers  to  him,  to  ouiticr  ''—even  if 
the  young  uiends  are  merely  neophytes,  desirous  of  foregoing  the 
irksomeness  of  dailv  labour  as  means  of  daily  bread,  for— in  due  course 
—the  more  ascetic  life  of  father  confessors.  We  do  not  believe  in  tbe 
oresent  royal  appointments  and  royal  etiquette  of  the  temporary 
Cardmal ;  no,  looxing  very  closely,  we  rather  see  upon  him  a  bair-iihirt, 
an  iron  girdle,  and— at  least— half-a-pint  of  unboiled  pe^  in  either  of 
his  pastoral  sbidala.  


SoxxTEiNO  VE&Y  Fatemi.— That  some  reform  is  strongly  needed  in 
the  absurd  laws  that  ^)ply  to  Patents ! 


ROEBUCK,  THE  POLITE  LETTER-WEITEE- 

Mb.  Koebuck  is,  unquestionably,  an  honest  man.  Mb.  Bozbvok 
is,  indisputably,  a  candid  man.  Mk.  Roebuck  is,  assuredly,  a  bold 
man.  Juid,  therefore,  so  gifted,  Mb.  Roebcck  is  very  right,  upon  the 
least  possible  aggravation,  to  flourish  his  honesty,  his  candour,  hia 


boldness,  in  the  lace  of  the  universe.  His  flowers  of  ihetoriD 
never  intended  to  blush  unseen— his  jewel  of  a  good  name  is  not  to 
sparkle  merely  in  the  privacy  of  life.  No ;  he  mues  a  regular  flowv- 
show  of  his  eloquence,  on  tbe  lightest  occasion,  and  morts  his  good 
name  for  plain-dealing,  as  jaunti^  as  a  Sunday  apprentioe  sporta  hu 
smallest  diamond-pin.  Hence,  Mb.  RoBBtJCK  writes  a  letter  to  IiOBii 
John  Russell  upon  his  lordship's  late  epistle  to  the  Bishop  or 

DUBUAH. 

And  here  let  us  thank  the  Pope's  Bull  that  has  caused  to  be  turned 
up  such  a  polished  specimen  of  the  epistolary  style,  as  that  subscribed 
John  Abtuub  Roebuck.  Its  courtesv.  its  delicacy,  is  delidouB. 
Perhaps  there  is  no  public  man  who  could  so  delightfully  redeem  the 
harshness  of  political  contest  by  such  elegance  of  manner,  such  refine- 
ment of  expression.  We  treat  ourselves  with  a  morsel  of  the  true^ 
instinctive  gentlemaiL  Mb.  Roebuck  tells  Lobs  Russku.  that  ha 
will  not  (luote  Hansard  against  him ;  be  will  assume  no  such  nngratefal 
task.  No:  Mr.  Roebuck  will  only  deal  with  the  amenities  of  life; 
and,  from  the  nettle  controversy,  pluck  the  flower  of  good  breeding; 
and  here  it  is,  a  flower  odorous  of  the  best  manners : — 

"  As  I  have  no  desire  to  convict  yoa  of  mere  Inconsistency— and  as  X  bellara  Ckat 
tven  a  moat  minuU  inveatigation  o/ail  that  you  havt  ever  uttered  in  BxrliamnU  loomld  mat 
greatly  eoadmce  to  my  edijlcation—l  would  rather  address  yon  as  the  Prime  MlnJrtfir  nt 
Englud,  than  deal  with  your  sayings  as  leoorded  in  Smtmd." 

We  have  marked  the  true  beauty  of  the  sentence  in  italics,  aa  «e 
would,  were  we  able,  mark  a  beautiful  pansy  with  an  additional  'freak" 
of  jet :  it  deserves  to  be  made  to  come  out  with  greater  force,  for  tlie 
honesty,  candour,  boldness,  and  good-manners,  combined  in  a  few  words 
— ^unprovoked  words — that  say  to  a  gentleman  and  the  Prime  Minister  d 
Eogland— "  You  have  been  talking  for  some  thirty  years  in  ParliamCBit 
—your  name  is  associated  with  the  most  important  political  dutngea— 
you  are  the  First  Minister,  and  you  have  never  uttered  a  sjdlaUe  that 
would  edify  me,  John  Abthub  Roebuck  ! "  It  was  so  neoeuair  to 
the  writer's  case — so  inseparable  from  tbe  argument  levelled  against  the 
writer  of  the  letter  to  the  Bishop  o?  Dubhah,  that  all  his  anteoedenta 
should  be  put  down,  badged,  branded— upon  most  minute  investigatioa 
— as  the  labours  of  a  nobody,  a  nincompoop ! 

Now,  Mr.  Roebuck's  plain-speaking  might  tell  a  man,  so  buiihened. 
that  he  had  a  lump  on  his  shoulder. 

Mb.  Roebuck's  candour  might  point  to  the  pock-marka  in  anoUur 
man's  face ;  whilst  Mb.  Roebuck's  perseverance,  as  a  public  character, 
might  volunteer  to  enumerate  every  pit. 

Mb.  Roebuck's  boldness  might,  heroically  luking  his  own  natta,  in- 
dignantly charge  a  third  man  with  the  possession  of  a  pu^-nose. 

And  in  each  and  all  of  these  qualities,  namely,  the  plam-speaking  of 
Mb.  Roebuck— the  candour  of  Mb.  Roebuck— the  ooldness  of  Mb. 
Roebuck, — would  be  grandly  prominent ;  but  not  more  prominent  than 
the  delicacy  of  Mb.  Roebuck— tbe  courtesy  of  Mb.  RoEBUCK—andt 
i^ve  all,  tne  chivalrous  good-manners  of  Mb.  Roebuck. 


Parody  for  Piueyitos. 

Though  crosses  and  candles  we  play  with  at  home. 
To  go  the  whole  gander,  there 's  uo  place  like  Rome ; 
We;ve  statues  and  relics  to  hallow  us  there. 
Which,  save  in  museums,  you  *11  not  And  elsewhere. 
Rome.  Rome,  sweet,  sweet  Rome ! 
For  all  us  Tractarious  there 's  no  place  like  Rome ! 


PLEAS*  don't. 

Soicebodt  has  prepared  for  the  forthcoming  Exhibition  "  a  i^ooess 
for  water-proofing  any  stuff,  from  the  finest  lace  to  the  coarsest  fiutian." 
If  the  discovery  is  applicable  to  "any  stuff,"  it  may,  we  hope,  be 
adapted  to  that  precious  "stuff,"  a  special  plea,  which  frequently  faila 
from  its  being  utterly  unable  to  hold  water. 

Punch  and  the  Pope. 

We  understand  that  Pio  No-no,  that  great  double  negative,  who  has 
been  attempting  to  make  himself  an  uSrmative  in  this  country,  ex- 
pressed extreme  sorrow,  almost  amounting  to  despair,  when  hetietrd 
that  PnitcA  was  opposed  to  his  recent  proceedings.  Pio^  who  imder- 
stands  the  English  language,  though  he  does  not  seem  to  understand  tbe 
English  people,  remarked  to  one  of  his  attendants  in  a  half-moonfiil 
hau-meny  tone,  "Alas,  alas !  I  should  have  cared  oompaiatiTelj  littls 
about  the  probable  failure  of  my  attem^  to  get  the  En^ish  to  vmSkm 
the  bowl  of  Bishop  I  have  been  brewing  for  them,  but  it  outs  bm  to 
the  quick  to  perceive  that  there  is  no  chance  of  their  nsviiig  ihm . 


^ 


^ 

^ 


LL  crotchetty,  fid^tty, 
conceited,  ecceiitnc  po- 
liticians, impatient  to 
iiuikc  tlicniselTes  coa- 
spicuQus : 

All  faclioiu  parti- 
sans, beat  on  over- 
throwing  the  Govern- 
ment at  all  bazorda : 

All  cons  tit  utiontUy 
lokewarm  persons,  who 
are  indifferent  to  good 
or  e^*il.  »nd  who  affect  mo- 
(jcrutton  "  syBtomuticallv,  in 
order  to  get  credit  for  being 
candid,  and  didpCLsaionate^  and 
philosophical : 

All  pcr^-crse  and  mischicr- 
ous  people,  who  would  like  to 
frustrate  any  great  object,  no 
matter  what,  merely  for 
amusement : 

All  disafTected  individuals, 
wlio  would  rejoice  in  the  hu- 
miliation of  tbeir  country,  and 
who  are  ready  to  abet  any 
foreign  intrigiie  against  the 
QuEKir,  her  Crown,  and  dig- 
nttv : 
Are  requested  to  read  the 
following  directions  which  are  oflfered,  bv  way  of  hints,  as  to  the  course  they  bad 
better  pursue,  with  the  view  to  defeat  tiie  national  determination  to  put  down  the 
Pope's  attempt  to  domineer  over  Kuitljud  : — 

As  soon  as  meetings  cease  lo  be  held,  aid  addresses  to  be  Toted,  in  reference  to 
the  PaiaJ  invasion,  begin  to  pooh-pooh  the  whole  movement,  and  go  about  saying 
that  all  iuterest  in  the  subject  is  subsiding. 

When  the  quastion  of  legislative  resistance  to  the  Pope  comes  to  be  discussed, 
treat  it  as  a  religious  one,  atthoush  you  know  very  wcU  that  its  nature  is  political. 
Pretend  that  the  authority  of  Popish  Bishops  is  merely  spiritual,  whereas  you 
have  seen  them  u^e  it  to.  resist  the  Uws  in  Sardmia,  and  to  oppoee  the  Government 
in  Ireland. 

Persist  in  calling  the  outcr>'  which  has  l)een  occaaioned  bv  the  Popx'a  attack,  a 
about  of  bigotry  against  the  Koman  Catholics  at  I&rge-yyou  being  perfectly  aware 
that  it  is  merely  a  protest  against  the  nretensions  of  t iieir  i}nesthooa. 

Keep  repeating,  no  matter  how  often  you  are  routradicted,  or  how  false  you 
tec  your  ussertiou  to  be,  that  the  demautl  for  prohibiting  the  Popish  Prelates  to 
assume  territorial  titles,  is  a  call  for  reviving  the  penal  laws  against  the  practice 
of  the  Roman  Catholic  religion. 

Nevertheless — utterly  regardless  of  consistency— at  the  same  time,  harp  con 
tinually  on  the  question,  What's  in  a  name?  —as  though  the  Poi-e  and  his 
Bishops  would  insist  upon  names  if  they  were  of  no  consequence ;  and  as  though  it 
not  obvious  that  therwant  the  use  of  those  names  to  give  their  Clmrch  (he 
of  a  national  character,  and  thus  authority  in  toe  eyes  of  the  ignorant 
Ltltude. 

Pretend  not  to  hear  when  you  arc  reminded  that  if  a  name  is  of  no  value,  the 
privation  of  it  is  no  hardship. 

Endeavour  to  confound  the  refusal  of  nermission  to  assume  the  title  of  Arch- 
bishop of  Westminster  with  the  denial  of  tbe  right  to  be  Archbishop  of  the  Roman 
Catholics  in  Westminster. 

AttacJc  Loan  John  Russell  with  quotations  raked  out  of  Hazard  from 
si>ecchcs  made  bv  him  in  behalf  of  Romau  Catholic  rights;  cast  in  his  teeth  the 
mistakes  he  may  have  made  in  liis  poUcy  towards  the  Romish  Church ;  twit  him 
with  his  liberal  conceaaions ;  abuse  him  for  his  generous  civilities  to  it  and  its 
members.  In  short,  use  all  the  common  arts  of  (action— never  mind  how  mean— 
against  a  cause  which  you  may  in  vain  oppose  on  its  own  merits. 

And  should  you,  good  worthy  friends,  succeed  in  nreveuting  the  suppression  of 
the  titles  assumed  by  the  Pope's  bishops,  you  will  tnwart  the  mightv  will  of  the 
people  of  Kngland.  And  then  the  Popish  hierarchy,  with  npUfteii  bands  and 
eyes,  will  declare  that  a  miracle  has  been  wrought  in  their  favour— wliich  many 
»mipletons  will  beheve.  And  the  indignation  uf  the  English  people  will  have 
evaporated  in  imfratent  bluster ;  and  we  sball  be  a  spectacle  of  dcnsion  to  the  whole 
woud,  and  this  will  be  great  fun. 


The  Darkest  Xnjiistice. 

Having  to  p^y  the  Window  Tax  during  the  month  of  November,  when  the 
tremendous  fogs  prevent  Englishmen  seeing  .in\fhinj;  of  tho  article  for  which  they 
<re  BO  t}lindly  taxed  I 


Rise  in  a  'bus.  to  Chelsea,  with  us, 
And  see  Mn.  Benmktt,  who 's  making  this  fuss ; 
With  bells  at  clay's  breaking,  and  bells  at  its  close. 
He 's  a  regular  nuisance  wherever  he  goes. 


Hushaby  Beknctt,  on  the  Church  ton ; 
When  your  bells  cease,  the  outer}'  will  stop. 
If  you  don*t  stop,  when  reason  ahall  call, 
Down  will  go  Beckett,  bell-ringing,  and  ilL 

in. 

Little  Jack.  Ruskkll 

Got  in  a  bustle. 
At  hearing  the  general  cry ; 

A  letter  wrote  he, 

In  the  popular  key. 
And  said  "  What  a  good  boy  am  I ! " 

IV. 

Sing  a  son^  of  Popery, 

Tlie  universal  cry ; 
Six-and-twcnty  Bishops 

Their  Sovereign  standing  by. 
Wtien  the  Address  was  opened, 

Two  names  were  nowhere  seen ; 
Now  isn't  this  a  pretty  way 

To  serve  their  gracious  QtiAZK  ? 

ULLATaoRKK  in  the  oulpit 

Was  speaking  woras  of  honey ; 
A  Bishop  in  his  hbrary 

Was  counting  out  some  money ; 
The  Pope  was  m  the  Vatican, 

Thinking  "  how  well  it  Roee,** 
When  up  jump'd  PhkcH's  little  dog, 

And  snapped  off  his  nose. 


LODGING-HOUSE  KEEPERS'  LOGIC. 

The  I/od gin g -House  Keepers  of  London  are  beginmng 
to  calculate  the  probable  profits  of  the  Great  Exhibition 
se^on  of  1851,  or  in  other  words,  they  are  "counting  their 
chickens  before  they  are  hatched;"  that  is  to  say,  before 
they  shell  out.  Somebody  lias  said  that  4,000,000  of 
strangers  will  be  poured  into  London,  and  as  there  arc  not 
more  than  1,000.000  beds  to  let,  the  rides  of  arithmetic  call 
upon  us  to  divide  one  by  four  and  as  four  into  one  won't 
go,  we  recommend  some  of  the  intended  visitors,  before 
they  leave  a  comfortable  bed  at  home,  to  "sleep  upon  it," 
until  tbey  have  made  siuc  of  a  substitute,  llic  bedstead 
Lradn  has  received  a  tremendous  impetus,  and  sacking  ia  in 
fierce  demand,  as  if  it  wern  expected  that  the  invasion  of 
1851  would  lead  to  the  socking  of  the  whole  city.  Lodnng- 
House  Keepers  are  looking  out  in  all  directions  for  oea- 
bteads,  or  for  anything  that  will  turn  up  to  serve  instead, 
and  we  have  heard  ot  a  proposal  having  been  made  to  a 
family  requiring  apartments,  to  make  up  a  oed  in  the  cistern 
for  two  of  the  cnildren,  by  drawing  off  the  water  in  the 
evemn^.  and  getting  the  infants  up  and  dressed  before  the 
water  is  turned  on  in  the  morning.  If  the  company  should 
take  it  into  its  head— its  New  River  Head— to  sluice  the 
sewers  in  the  course  of  tlie  night,  which  does  happen  now 
and  then,  of  course  the  poor  children  might  be  unexpectedly 
"washed  and  done  for,^'  as  well  aa  botfded  and  lod^  in 
the  way  described. 

It  is  expected  that  provisions  will  rise  to  a  dreadful 
height ;  that  meat  will  be  sold  by  the  mouthful  instead  of 
the  pound;  that  bread  will  rise,  without  reference  to  any 
particular  quantity  of  yeast ;  and  that  butter  will  be  found 
to  be  fetching  a  shilling  au  ounce,  by  those  who  arc  sent  to 
fetch  the  butler.  As  to  milk,  we  have  heard  that  a  "  Pure 
Milk  and  Cream  Company  "  have  taken  thel  ease  of  a  chalk- 
pit near  town;  and  new-laid  eggs  are  being  already  laid 
m  lime,  with  a  view  to  the  approaching  season.  Sand  ii  < 
being  brought  to  this  countr>'  as  ballast,  to  be  thrown  on 
to  the  sugar  market,  at  the  proper  moment,  whenthfcA*.- 
mand  is  at  its  height ;  and  foreign  8lofc-v«s«.^^^JK«a%'=»^*^ 
into  Port,  as  hsX  a&  SS.  »a.\jfc"\Bi:^«CAft- 


I 


CHARIVARI 


CHAPTER  I. 


ITS  COmCEKCXKENT  TO 


P 


OF  THB  PEOCEEDWOS    IN    AN    ACTION,  FBOM 
ITS  TUtMIMATlON. 

Actions  arc  divided  into  Jirai,  in  whii-h  there  is  often  mnch  sUain  ; 
FerBonal,  in  which  the  pcrsonftlily  is  frequently  mduljred  ui  by  Counsel 
at  the  expence  of  tlie  witnesses  j  and  Mixed,  in  which  a  great  deal  ol 
pure  nonsense  sometime;!  prevwis.  The  Legislature  beuiK  at  last  sen- 
sible to  the  shamness  of  Heal,  and  the  pure  nonsense  of  Mixed  actions, 
aboliahcd  all  except  four,  and  for  the  leamiiift  on  these  subjects  now 
become  obsolete,  we  must  refer  to  the  "books  "  which  have  been  trans- 
ferred to  the  shops  of  Butter,  from  the  shop  of  Butt<rworth.* 

There  are  three  superior  Courts  of  Common  Law.  one  of  their  great 
points  of  superiority  being  their  superior  expense,  which  saves  the 
Common  Law  from  being  bo  common  aa  to  be  positively  vulpr;  and 
its  high  price  gives  it  one  of  the  qualities  of  a  luxury,  rendering  it 
catiare  to  the  million,  or  indeed  to  any  but  the  milUonnaire.  Ihcsc 
Courts  are  the  Queen's  Bench,— a  bench  which  five  Judges  sit  upon ; 
the  Exchequer,  whose  sign  is  a  chess  or  drftu(?bt-board,— some  say  to 
ahow  how  difficult  is  Ibe  game  of  law.  while  others  maintain  it  » 
merely  emblematic  of  the  drafts  on  the  pockets  of  the  tuitor ;  and  thirdly, 
the  Common  Pleas,  which  took  its  title,  possibly,  from  the  fact  of 
the  lawyers  finding  the  profits  such  as  to  make  them  un-Common-ly 

The  real  and  mixed  actions  not  yet  abolished,  are— 1st.  the  Writ  of 
Right  of  Dower,  and  2d,  the  Writ  of  Dower ;  both  rclaliug  to  widows ; 
but  as  widows  are  formidable  persona  to  go  to  law  ajtamst,  these  actions 
are  leldom  used.  The  third  is  the  action  of  Quare  /m/Wi/^  which  would 
be  brought  against  me  by  a  parson  if  I  kept  hun  out  of  his  liymg ;  but 
as  the  working  parsons  fiiid  it  difficult  to  get  a  Unnp,  this  action  is  alw 
rare.  The  fourth  is  the  action  of  Ejectment,  for  the  recovery  of  land, 
which  is  the  only  action  that  cannot  be  brought  without  some  ground. 

Of  pCTsonaJ  actions,  the  most  usual  are  debt,  and  a  few  others ;  but 
we  win  begin  by  going  into  debt  aa  slightly  aa  possible.  The  action  of 
debt  is  founded  on  some  contract,  real  or  supposed,  and  when  there  haa 
been  no  contract,  the  law,  taking  a  contracted  view  of  matters,  will  have 
%  contract  impUed.  Debt,  like  every  other  personal  action,  begins  with 
a  aummons,  in  which  victoria  comes  '^greeting;"  which  means, 
■eoordiug  to  JoH^502(,  "saluting  in  kindness/'  " congratuUting,  or 
"paying  compliments  at  a  distance;"  but,  considering  the  unpleasant 


INTRODUCTION. 

EFOKE  administering  Uw  between  liti- 
gating parties,  there  are  two  thmg«  to 
be  done— in  addition  to  the  parties 
themsdves— namcl74  first  to  ascertain 
the  subject  for  decision,  and,  aeoondg. 
to  complicate  it  lo  as  to  make  it  diffi- 
cult to  decide,     Thia  is  effected  h;r 
letting  the  lawyers  state  in  oompU- 
cated  terms  the  simple  cases  of  their 
client*,  and  thus  rauing  from  these 
opposition  statements  a  mass  of  entaa- 
gfement  which  the  clients  themselvee 
niigbt  call  nasty  crotchets,  but  which 
the  lawvers  term  "  nice  points. '    In 
every  siAjject  of  dispute  with  two  aides 
to  it,  there  is  a  right  and  a  wrong,  but 
in  the  style  of  putting  the  coutmding 
statements,  so  as  to  confuse  the  ngUt 
and  the  wrong  together,  the  science  Of 
special  pleading  consists.    This  Bjjjb^ 
is  of  such  remote  antiquit/.lhat  vMWf 
knows  the  bcginnin|:  of  it.  and  Ibia  »o- 
co\ints  for  no  one  bemg  able  to  appreci* 
ate  its  end.  The  accumulated  chicaaerr 
.ind  blundering  of  several  generalkms, 
called  in  forensic  language  the  "  wis- 
dom of  successive   ages,"   gndnaUy 
broughtspecial  pleading  intoita  pieaent 
shape,  or,  rather,  into  its  present  end- 
less forms.  Its  extensive  drain  on  the 
pockets  of  the  suitors  has  rendered  it 
always  an  important  branch  of  legkl 
study,  while,  whenpropcrly  undeistoodi, 
it  appears  an  instrument  so  beautifully 
(Micmated  for  distributive  ittatioe,tkat, 
when  brought  to  bear  upon  property, 
it  will  often  distribute  the  whole  of  » 
among  the  lawyers,  and  leave  fiotlunff 
for  the  litigants  thcmaclvca. 

nature  of  a  writ  at  all  times,  we  cannot  help  thinking  that  the  word 
"greeting"  is  misapplied.  The  writ  commands  you  to  enter  an 
appearance  within  ei^nt  days,  and,  by  way  of  assisting  you  to  make  an 
appearance,  the  writ  invests  you,  as  it  were,  with  a  new  suit 

The  action  of  covenant  lies  for  breach  of  covenant,  that  is  to  »y,  % 
promise  under  seal ;  and  under  wafer  it  is  just  as  binding,  for  you  aw 
equally  compelled  to  stick  to  it  like  wax.  t   ^  -j 

The  action  of  Detinue  bes  where  a  party  seeks  to  recover  what  is  de- 
tained from  him ;  though  it  docs  not  seem  that  a  gentleman  detaimng  a 
ncwsi»aper  more  (ban  ten  minutes  at  a  coffee-house  would  beUableto 
detinue,  though  the  action  would  be  an  ungcntlcmanly  one,  to  say  the 
least  of  it.  J      ■  .     ■  1 

The  action  of  Trespass  Ues  for  any  injury  committed  with  violence, 
such  as  assault  and  battery,  either  actual  or  implied:  as,  if  A,  while 
making  pancakes,  throws  an  egg-shell  at  B,  the  law  will  imply  batter/, 
though  the  egg-sliell  was  empty. 

The  action  of  Trespass  on  the  Case  lies,  where  a  party  seeks  damagea 
for  a  wrong  to  which  trespass  will  not  apply— where,  m  faCt,  a  man  has  not 
been  assaulted  or  iiurt  in  his  person,  but  where  he  has  been  hurt  m  that 
tender  part— his  pocket.  Of  this  action  there  are  two  apecies,  called 
assvmpnif,  by  which  the  law— at  no  time  very  unawmming  ■■ruijaea 
that  a  person,  lecally  liable  to  do  a  thing,  has  promised  to  do  it,  however 
unpromising  sucn  person  may  be ;  and  trot^^  which  seeks  to  'TJ**'^ 
damages  for  property  which  it  is  supposed  the  defendant  found  and 
converted,  so  that  an  action  might  perhaps  be  brought  in  this  form,  to 
recover  from  f'opery  those  who  have  been  found  and  converted  to  the 
use,  or  rntlicr  lost  and  converted  to  the  abuses,  of  the  Romish  Church. 
Having  gone  slightly  into  the  different  forms  of  actions ;  having  j^wt 
tapped  the  reader  on  the  ahoulder  with  a  writ  in  each  cast  't^ch,  by 
the  way,  should  be  personally  served  on  liim  at  home,  thondi  ^^f°J^ 
runs  tiio  risk  of  gcttiuK  sometimes  served  out,  we  shall  pioceed  to 
trial,  perhaps,  of  the  reader's  patience  in  a  subsequent  chapter. 


i 


4 


BuUenrottb— Uw  Law  PobUilitr  to  FlMt-Stnot. 


4 


The  Index  Szpurgatoriua. 

SiLAKSPEAiLB  and  HonBOLDT  have  recently  been  promoted  to  thii 
Index.  Shortly,  among  other  persons  and  things,  will  appear  Nbwtoji, 
Hakvei.  Lord  Nelsok,  Wklusgtom,  Watt,  Vaccmaiion,  Radwaya, 
the  Tubular  Bridge,  Queen  Victoria,  and  the  Electric  Telegraph. 

To  be  Givm  at  the  raticat^,  Bt  Adtuoritt  OP  TBI  POW, 

ApHl  1, 1B51. 


* 


I 


»EiNO  A  QROAN  I-TIOM  THE  EX-UNPROTECTED  FEMALE. 

"To  Mr.  PuitcK 

HOUGH  Mb.  Jonm,  Sift, 
has  a  fffvet  objection  to 
my  apDearing  in  print, 
for  he  aedares  thnt  I  'vc 
made  myself  riJicuiova 
and  kirn  too,  by  tho  way 
in  which  I've  come  be- 
fore the  pubiic  in  your 
enUriaituMff  Jourutil, 
(though  I  m  mrt  Mjl  J. 
was  ridicvhui  onou{;h, 
without  aiiy  ktUrs  being 
writteu  upon  thai  sub- 
ject) ;  5t.ill  I  feel  that  as 
..  /,     ,/.  »'-,;, £*lt  not  now 

if  Mil.  J.  hf 
■  ■:■'■■  '  L'lii,  so  MacA 
from  hoiuc  as  ho  ia  on 
his  JoHrxcfft),  I  ought  to 
upl^^  mv  humble  voice 
ftgnmst  the  present  nwfiLl 
unproitcled  state  of  ttie 
country.  I  don't  allude 
to  LurgUtr*  at  prejfnl 
(though  I  mitjt  sny  your 
ar/itt  never  can  have  aren 
mc,  or  be  would  mrvrr 
have  made  me  in  (Aat 
mghlcap).  But,  Sir^  if 
it  had  been  only  me  talking  about  il\e  unprotected  state  of  ttie  cou/tCry,  you  ought 
have  said,  t\s  Mr.  J.  alicaps  docs,  'Tliere.  Mas.  J,,  vou're  tnlking  nonsense 
again!'  but  1  don't  speak  as  a  poor,  weak  tcoaaa^  now,  because  I'm  (tfra'tti  but 
I  ve«een  it  all  proved  in  a  6ook,  written  by  Sir  F.  B.  Head,  B.uit  with  all  llie 
/Iffttrfs  in  it,  and  caicuiationt  made,  and  I  feci  the  ierioua  attention  or  the  marruni 
women  of  Kn^land  ought  to  be  collfd  to  it.  Jfl  hn-tbintds  are  not  like  Ma.  JoKES, 
and  »ome  will  listen  to  reason,  ihoygh  it  cornea  from  their  tcicet. 

*'  Sir  F.  B.  Hxad  dedicates  his  book  (in  the  mosl  faUeriug  manner,  I  m%*t  say)  to 
unprotected  females  in  peneral.  Little  did  I  tliiiik,  when  I  saw  the  work  on 
Mr.  Smithehs's  table,  with  such  a  nice,  eU-an^  frkiU  cover,  what  awful  things  it 
had  inside  of  it!  1  took  it  up  quite  pnmitcuwt^ly,  but  oh,  Sir,  the  ttate  of  mini 
\  was  in  before  I  bid  it  dou-n  ! 

"First,  it  shows  you  that  there's  France  with  -108,630  soldiers,  and  2.501,0(M 
national  guards,  and  all  knoic  what  tbose  natiy  forei/pifr»  are  by  the  $pec%m^ns  we 
see  in  the  streets;  and  there's  Austria  with  3t9,552  soldiers,  all  horrid, /rowj^, 
iohaeco-HHokinff  butchers;  and  IVissia  with  fls  many  just  aslmd;  and  Russia,  with 
950,000 — and  what  can  be  ejwctfd  from  men  fed  on  taitow,  rate  hide*,  and  trand^i^ 
and  then  there's  poor  England  with  133,75S  soldiers,  and  no  mofc,  and  many  of 
them,  /  'iR  afraid^  no  better  than  they  xhcmld  be,  running  after  the  maids ;  for  it 
WM  o»i(f  Inst  week  that  Smixbkra's  cook  was  netur  taking  lauduuutn,  bceanse  of  a 
corporal  in  the  Scotch  life-gnards  who  got  a/l  her  wages  to  buy  a  discharffc  and  f^ 
into  the  green-grocery  and  general  line,  but  »peiti  it  all,  and  is  A  corponu  at  this 
moment,  and  and  urcrr  comes  near  htr! 

"Atiq  if  this  ia  the  way  ihe  British  army  behaves,  in  ii/ne  of  peace,  to  poor  British 
femifhs  what  u  to  be  expected  from  these  dreadful  foreigners  in  a  war?  And, 
then  that  horrid  book  shows  that  the  English  mett  ain't  to  be  trusted— Vyc 
long  thought  80  in  regard  to  one,  in  particuJai^-nnd  that  their  eoifiaiou  increasea 
with  their  nua^ert ;  as  I'm  sure,  any  one  may  see,  who's  ever  been  to  a  revietc 
of  the  Surrey  yomanry,  at  Wormwood  Scrubs,  (where  T  was  with  the  Smithers's 
no  lat^r  than  last  summer.)  and  th^e  mess  they  got  in  -vriWx  one  regiment,  I'm  sure 
I  can 't  think  what  it  would  be  with  half  a  dozen  ! 

"And  as  for  ships  and  men  of  war,  and  navies;  every  body  knows  that  thoae 
Dover  and  Boulogne  ftteamers  can  bring  over  loads  of  soldiers,  the  book  says,  in 
^im?  hours;  but,  I  m  sure,  when  /  went  to  Boulogne,  it  sermeUh great  deal  longer 
than  ihat—hui  one  thing  I  must  say  that  I  think  ne  has  forgotten,  and  that  is  the 
dreadful  state  of  $M^daieiS  the  foreigners  would  be  in— to  judge  by  what  T  fett 
you  might  knock  them  down  with  a  feoiher ;  until  they'd  liad  a  nice  cap  of  tea,  and 
a  ffond  nighfi  rest, 

"  Uowever,  there  ia  mo  doti&i  that  any  number  of  these  dr^at^ul  foreignen  may 
come  up  to  London  to-morrotc — and  there 's  that  ^jpotitioH-^who  knows  whether 
the  machinet  may'nt  be  full  of  gun-povder  and  thinji^s,  and  that  the  artiaana  and 
le.  who  come  over  with  them  mayn't  be  soldierf  m  diitguitf^  with  belts  atuck 


L 


uU  of  pistols  and   daggen—vjidez  their— what   d'yc-ealf-em  — blue  mock-frock 
thincs ! 

"You  may  believe,  my  blood  did  run  cold,  when  T  came  to  where  the  book 
describes  the  '  two  bundred  thousand  young  entliusiastic  French  soldiers,  waving 
bRnnera  in  our  pure  Engtiflh  air,  on  which  arc  mentally  inscribed  these  worda — we 
almost  shudder  m  we  tranacribc  them— (I'm  sure  1  ^0  ahaddcred  when  I 
read  them) 

**  '  BOOTT,   BEAUTY,   AKU   RK\£KQK  ! ' 

"I  decUre  la  I  oune  to  those  words,  I  saw  our  fimiiture  smaahed  and  th« 


plate  melted  and  ntc  ^tmgglijig  with  a  foreigner  in  moustar 
chioa— and  Jokbs  with  ma  throat  out  from  ear— bi«t  1  etu^i 


bear  it— 

"  Wlien  the  book  has  in, 
a  French  armv  to  incadt  ■ 
one  tcvuders  whv  thev  hi\\ ' 
comes  the  oirfitlUit  ciiapl- 
French  army.'     It  makes 
of  foreign  armies  encamp 
between  Clapham    and   (' 
Brixfou  and  Battersea! 
SMiTiii^iiii's,  and  how,  I 
a  l)00k  in  the  home,  I  can' 
iiorsca  in  the  charclies.  ai 
— of  course  ice  should  utt\ ' 
if  it  was  only  for  my  rrr/ 
say  what  they   like  alwii' 
Fure  /  found  t!  '' 

Boulogne — onrl 

a  verv  pro;»er  j:!.:  .     ,. . 

and  tlic  Docks,  and  Urgent  Street. 

at  the  end  of  the  book.  '  On  the  Treatment  of  Women  im 

War.'     It  'a  not  so  much  what  1^  tapi,  but  the  hints  arc 

enowgh  to  drive  a  poor  uniirolcctea  female  out  of  her 

senses. 

*'  Sir.  I  have  j«.t/  put  the  book  dottn.  1  feel  it  'a  mjf  duty 
to  write  to  you,  and  call  upon  the  females  tn  the  kingdom. 
protected  and  unprotected,  to  atcuken  their  huf^bands,  and 
brothers,  and  fathers,  and  mnte  Telfttions  aeneraUy  to  whal 
is  hanging  oc^rus!     1  don't   •  •.  K.  H.  ih-Ai>,  Baht., 

but  I  feel  what  a  dtbt  of  ;  <luo  to  him  from  mc 

and  aU  the  young  women— .^i-.>,  .-hi,  ..^u  aJl  the  old  women — 
in  Great  Britain,  Ireland,  and  Scotland,  and  I  remain 

"  Your  alarmed,  but  comtant  reader, 
"Mahtua  Jones." 


it  would  be  for 

secjns  so  easjf^ 

r  so  long  ago), 

f  lomdnn  b^  a 

H  end,  to  thmk 

■i  the  IVks,  anoUier 

and  a  third   about 

I  <    far  from  tlio 

ran  have  such 

r.   wi  1  h«  the 

'ises 

it^et, 

'itr,  iuid  pcuulu  may 

11  being  j)olUe,  I  'm 

'--ii^tom-bouae  ai 

PemttmHarg — 

.^  .Mttional  Gallery, 

Hut  oh !  that  chapter 


A  (PUMP)  HANDLE  FOR  A  JOKE. 


<X1T  St.  BuUtABU   ncSKXTT. 


txbt  one  knows  that 
Mn.  Bgkxett  has  re- 
Btgned  because  the 
Bishop  op  London 
would  not  allow  liim 
to  intone  the  pray<TS. 
'*  Don't  you  think  him 
a  great  pump  P "  asked 
A  of  B,  on  hearing 
the  news.  "I  don't 
know  about  hia  being 
a  pump,"  was  B's.  re- 
ply ;  but,  when  1 
neard  him  smging  out 
the  aervTOB,  I  always 
regarded  him  as  some- 
thugon  the  high-draw  I- 
io  principle."  (Loud 
cries  of  "Turn  him 
out!"— "Apology  "— 
Ac,  &c.) 


(CONSOLATION  AMID  OQNTROVEKSY. 

Ajcid  these  controversial  breezes, 
One  slisht  consideration  pleases  : 
Than  ink,  there  'a  ahcd  no  graver  fluid. 
For  Roman  Bonze,  or  British  Druid. 

Suppose  this  epoch  of  Addresses 
Had  not  Victoiua's  been,  but  Bess's, 
It  MO'ild  have  added  one  more  story 
To  FciBCCution's  annals  gory. 

We  *ve  now  some  sharpiah  mutual  slanging 
Bjit,  Heaven  be  thanked,  there  is  no  hanging; 
No  aie^  no  chopping-block,  no  drawing, 
But  only  just  a  httle  jawing. 

On  Temple  Bar  no  heads  are  sticking, 
'Gainst  QuUN'a  supremacy  for  kicking; 
On  London  Bridge  we  see  no  quarters 
Of  traitors  cot  up  into  martrr^. 

There's  no  Jack  KrTf  1  '  sa  plvii; 

People  beheading,  thr^i'  i<. 

Punch,  and  he  says  it  williuut  Uxisting, 
Does  all  the  cutting  up  and  roiutux^. 


4 


« 


Vol..  XIX.— i>:.o. 


254 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARL 


THE  MOMENTOUS  QUESTION. 

T  a  moment  like  the  present,  when 
ererybody  is  asking  whether  the  fire 
of  war,  so  long  smonldering  in  Ger- 
many, is  to  burst  out  into  fiame  or  to 
end  in  smoke  ?  whether  France  is  to 
see  the  spectacle  of  Liberty  devour- 
ing her  own  children,  or  her  own 
children  devouring  Liberty?  whether 
England  is  to  become  a  province  of 
the  F&pal  dominions,  or  whether  the 
Pope  will  discover  that  he  has  gone 
beyond  his  province  in  doing  what  he 
lias  done? — though  these  and  other 
important  interrogatories  agitate  and 
divide  the  public  mind,  the  question 
which  really  absorbs  the  attention  of 
the  whole  world  is — When  are  we 
to  have  PUNCH'S  ALMANACK  ?  This  question  is  being  answered 
in  typographic  thunder  and  telegraphic  lightning,  by  the  steam-struck 
advertisements  of  the  newspa^  press,  and  the  electro-agitated  wires  of 
the  Railway  Companies. 

One  half  the  world  is  asking  "  When  will  PUNCH'S  ALMANACK 
be  published  P  "  and  the  other  half  is  answering  "  On  the  23rd  ?  "  No 
one  has  yet  ventured  to  surmise  what  the  result  will  be,  and  we  dare 
not  trust  ourselves  to  divulge  the  grand  secret  which  in  a  few  days  will 
burst  upon  the  senses  of  enraptured  millions.  What  we  have  already 
done  has  surpassed  the  wildest  anticipations  of  the  most  boundless 
fancy ;  but  what  we  are  about  to  do,  will  as  far  surpass  everything  that 
has  gone  before,  as  Felion,  Ossa,  and  Olympus,  piled  one  upon  the 
other,  exceed  in  altitude  Ihe  pebble  on  the  pavement.  We  are  about 
to  fire  into  the  country  a  tremendous  broadside  of  wit  and  humour 
which  shall  wondrously  surpass  our  ordinary  weekly  feu  de  joief  and 
though  even  this  comprises  a  miiraiUe,  as  the  French  would  call  it,  of 
a  round  of  shot  from  sixteen  columns,  each  comprising  some  fifty  to  a 
hundred  jokes,  the  volley  we  are  about  to  deliver  can  only  be  slightly 
conceived  by  multiplying  every  fifty  by  five  hundred,  and  recollecting 
that  our  ammunition  has  no  lead  in  its  composition,  but  consists  of  a 
material  like  the  diamond,  with  all  its  most  brilliant  and  most  cutting 
qualities  combined. 


POLICE  BEGULATIONS  FOR  THE  PUBLICATION  OP 
PUNCH'S  ALMANACK. 

^  V  order  to  preserve  order  during  the  exe- 
cution of  the  orders  for  Punch's  AlmAna/>V^ 
the  following  orders  will  be  issued  as  to 
the  order  in  which  the  public  will  present 
themselves  at  the  office  on  the  23rd. 

All  persons  belonging  to  the  trade  must 
enter  Fleet  Street  at  the  Fairbgdon 
Street  end,  and  form  in  six  rows  along 
the  south-side  as  far  as  Bride  Court. 

Private   individuals,   requiring    single 
copies,   must   enter    the   City   through 
Temple  Bar,  or  Chancery  Lane,  and  fall 
into  the  line  at  the  Law  Life  Insurance 
Office.     As  soon  as  the  line  extends  to 
the  comer  of  Bride  Court,  a  fresh  row 
must  be  formed,  and  so  on  untill  there  are 
twelve  abreast,  after  which  no  more  will 
be  admitted  into  the  City;  but  those  coming  may  leave  their  names  with 
the  City  Toll  Collector,  which  will  entitle  them  to  a  phice  m  the  pro- 
cession on  a  subsequent  day. 

After  being  served,  the  trade  will  draw  off  by  St.  Bride's  Church,  and 
retire  over  Blackfriars'  Bridge,  entering  the  City  again  by  London, 
Southwark,  or  any  of  the  other  Bridges,  should  they  require  to  do  so. 

The  public  after  having  obtained  their  copies,  will  pull  off  to  the  north 
side  of  Fleet  Street  and  retire  by  Clerkenwcdl,  re-entering  the  City, 
should  they  desire  to  do  so,  by  the  City  Road  and  Moorgate  Street. 

Foreign  Ambassadors,  producing  their  credentials  under  the  sign 
manual  of  their  respective  Sovereigns,  and  presenting  them  to  the  City 
Toll  Collector,  will  be  aUovwl  to  prooeed  without  reference  to  the 
foregoing  roles. 


BAEON  VON  REICHENBACH'S  PHILOSOPHY 
OF  A  KISS. 

(A  Ltctmr*  for  Oa  LoiS&ti  CUZeftf.) 

"What's  in  a  kiss  ?"  demands  a  once  popular  song,  ladies. 
"There's  no  harm  in  a  kiss,"   refdies  the   scdf-responaive  lyric 
"  'Tis  a  pure  pledge  of  friendship  to  man." 

The  answer  is  vague,  if  not  evasive.  A  more  definite  one  has  been 
given  by  Babox  vov  Keichenbach.  in  a  book,  whose  title  most  to 
most  of  those  lips  which  lend  the  question  its  interest,  prove  ratner 
trying — "  Physico-PhMsiological  JUsearches  <m  tie  I>ifnamie»  (f  Mafjh 
nedsm  EUciricity,  Heat,  Light,  Orystallisation,  and  Chemism.  m  /AnV 
Belatunu  to  Vital  Force." 

Von  Reichembach  writes  tliis  book  to  prove  thai  he  has  discovered 
a  new  force  or  principle  in  Nature,  similar  w  electricity,  only  immenselx 
more  subtle  than  the  electric  fluid.  This — what  d  fs  call  itP — ^the 
I  jBaron  calls  Od.  Well  he  may,  some  of  you  will  perhaps  remark — 
I  judging  merely  from  the  sound  of  the  word.  OUiera  mar  suggest  that 
I  the  letters  should  have  been  reversed,  and  that  the  Od  is,  properiy 
.  speaking,  a  Do.  Od,  according  to  Babon  Yon  Reichehbach,  emanates 
I  from  everything  in  Nature,  more  or  less :  but  especially  &om  magnets, 
crystals,  the  sun,  moon,  and  stars,  and  tne  tips  of  tlu  fingers.  It  ia 
luminous  in  the  dark  to  sensitive  i}ersons ;  it  affects  their  nerves  of 
touch :  and  it  is  what  operates  in  animal  magnetism.  Besides  esc^>iiig 
from  the  fingers*  ends,  it  also  issues  powerfullv  from  the  Upa ;  and  this 
brings  us  to  Von  Reichenbach's  theonr  of  a  kiss.  Jnmek  quotes 
D&.  Ashbubnek's  translation,  page  357,  oi  the  treatise  of  the  astound- 
ing Baron ; — 

"  We  here  airlve  ai  a  not  aninteresting  ezplanaUon  of  &  Utharto  otMcnn  matter— 
the  Import  of  the  klu.  The  lips  form  one  of  the  fod  of  the  Uod,  and  the  flame*  which 
'  our  poeta  deaeribe,  do  actually  blaze  there.    '    *    * 

"  It  may  be  aafced,  how  this  can  agree  with  tbe  dreumatance  that  the  month  la 
od-o«^tiTe  r  Tbia,  however,  doea  harmonlae  rwj  well  with  the  fact ;  fbr  tbe  Ua 
glTes  nothing— It  deaires  and  atrivea  merely,  It  anefca  In  and  alpa.  The  Usi  ia,  tben- 
vxn,  nut  a  negation,  bat  a  phyaloal  and  moral  negatlTlty." 

"  Biod"  ladies,  means  vital  Od;  the  mesmeric  inflaence,  in  fact.  Hm 
somewliat  curious  description  of  a  kiss,  as  being  "  not  a  negation,  bat 
a  pbfsical  and  moral  negativity."  is  simply  as  much  as  to  say,  that  tbe 
kiss  is  a  decided  fact ;  but  that  the  act  of  kissing  is  not  conferring  a 
favour,  but  taking  a  liberty ;  which  seems  true. 

CerUinly,  a  genuine  kiss  is  not  a  negation,  but,  on  the  contrary,  % 
strong  affirmation,  which  the  lips  cannot  exiveas  so  forcibly  b;y  any 
articulate  phrase — "  Je  voui  aime  " — "  Zoe  m<m  tat  agapo  " — or  ditto  vk 
plain  English. 

But  neither  can  a  kiss  be  a  "  negativity  "  in  all  cases— at  least,  accord- 
ing to  the  experience  of  Mr.  Punch.  It  may  be  so  when  A  snatches  a 
kiss  irom  B.  But  if  every  kiss  is  a  negativity,  when  A  and  B  kiss  one 
another  at  the  same  moment,  the  kisses  of  both  are  negativities.  Now, 
negativity  implies  positivity.  Therefore,  if  A  is  kissea  by  B,  snd  B  by 
A  at  the  same  moment,  their  kisses  are  both  positivities,  because  ther 
are  both  negativities,  which  is  absurd.  If  negativity  does  not  imiily  pou- 
tivity,  then,  when  A  and  B  mutually  kiss,  neither  of  the  two  imparts 
any  positive  gratification  to  the  other,  whidi  is  still  more  absud.  And 
on  the  bst  supposition,  the  answer  to  the  question,  "What  'a  in  a  kissf" 
would  be,  "  Nothing  at  all,"  the  absurdity  of  whioli  is  aelf^evidrat. 

Babon  von  Kxichbnbach  leaves  reciprocity  out  of  the  qoestioo,  aa 
if  he  had  no  idea  of  it.  His  od  theory  of  kissing  shows  that  he  ia  little 
versed  in  the  practice,  which,  if  it  were  all  a  negativitv,"  would  be 
truly  odious.  There  would  be  nothing  more  pleasant  in  lovers'  kisses 
than  there  is  in  kissing  the  book  to  make  an  affidavit,  Tbe  Baraa 
should  try  a  few  exncriments  relative  to  this  branch  of  his  snlqect :  he 
had  better  come  to  England  at  Christmas,  and  p^onu  them  owsr  the 
mistletoe. 

VniTeraal  Contempt  of  Oonrt. 

It  seems  that  any  person  is  liable  to  be  committed  to  prison  tcx  his 
lifetime  by  the  Court  of  Chancery,  as  guilty  of  contempt  of  Court,  for 
not  paying  that  which  he  has  not  to  pay,  and  for  not  ddng  other  im- 
possibilities. What  a  number  of  people  might  be  ocmunitted  for  oon- 
temn^  of  the  Court  of  Chancery,  iTwe  all  expressed  oar  feelings  1 

DIBBCT  nOM  THE  UNITED  STATES. 

The  nutrimonial  knot  is  like  the  Qordian  Ditto— Ihoee  who  wookt  be 
great  men  must  cut  it.  {Loud  cries  ^  "  Shame,"  fhm  ik»  MdUor,  mtdsdl 
the  married  coniributors.)     _^ 

The  Press  and  the  PapMjr. 

Thosi  who  would— 4f  they  could— bring  us  agam  oiider  the  Toke  of 
superstition,  may  ascribe  the  opposition  which  they  enooimter  m  their 
designs  to  the  agency  of  the  Areh-Bnem^r ;  but  the  real  tratK  v^  that 
the  only  devil  they  have  to  contend  with  is  the  prinlflr'a. 


PUNCH,  Oil  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


25b 


^ 


IMPORTANT  LEGAL  INTEIoLlGENCE-PROBABLE 
SECESSIONS  FROM  THE  BAR. 

Wb  have  be&rd  with  considerable  rcprct,  that  the  sanic  spirit  of 
ccTcnionialiBra.  which  hu  caused  so  much  division  in  the  Church,  haa 
At  len^h  penetrated  to  the  Courts  of  Law,  and  is  like);  to  lead  to  some 
seccsBioDS  of  a  very  sveeping  character.  For  some  time  past  Mn. 
BHlKFLKftS,  immediately  on  his  arrival  in  'WeslmiJiatcr  Uall,  has  been 
in  Uic  hubit  of  sroini^  through  a  series  of  absurd  mummeries,  which  have 
at  last  attracted  the  attnnliou  of  the  Judges.  It  seems  that  the  learned 
gentleman,  no  soouer  appears  upon  tlie  back  row,  in  any  of  the  Courts, 
than  be  buws  with  ereat  pertinacity  to  the  Bench,  and  if  the  salutation 
is  not  noticed  or  acknowledged,  he  proceeds  to  cough  with  such  violence, 
that  attention  is  sure  to  be  attracted  towards  hiui.  Ue,  also,  haa  dis- 
covered, or  believes  that  he  luis  discovered,  somewhere  in  tJie  books,  an 
aUuBion  to  an  olUce  connected  with  that  of  Ancient  Serieant,  ana  to 
wliich  he  eivea  the  name  of  Ancient  Junior.  By  virtue  t<f  his  supposed 
right  to  this  imaginary  positiou.  he  cliiiins  pie-audiencc  of  all  other 
juniors,  and  he  sometimes  causes  much  confusion  in  the  Court  by  alter- 
cation with  an^  of  the  youuger  members  of  the  bar,  whom  he  will  not 
allow  to  rise  without  molestation,  until  they  have  recognised  his  ancient 
jnniorship,  when  he  permits  lliem  to  jjinceed  bv  courtesy. 

He  has  also,  on  more  than  ouc  occa^sion,  Iwtmvcd  in  such  an  extra- 
ordinary  manner  with  respect  to  motions  of  course,  iusifttiug  upon 
baoding  them  in  direct  to  the  Judge,  without  the  iuicrvention  of  the 
Usher  that  once  or  twice  Ihc  Bench  has  exprcwed  displeasure;  but 
Mr.  BaisrLE&s  insists  that  m  the  burrisler  hnuds  the  motion  in,  the 
old  law  knows  no  interveuiug  hand,  and  he  cannot  conscicutiously  avail 
himself  of  such  a  go-between. 

These  ceremomals  are  now  carried  to  such  an  extreme,  that  the 
highest  legal  authority  will  probably  be  called  upon  to  interfere,  and  the 
result  may  be  the  secession  of  the  learned  gentleman  from  the  Uall  of 
Westminater.  Some  correspondence  luis  already  passed  between  M&. 
BitUTLEss  and  a  high  le^l  authority,  but  we  do  not  at  present  feel 
called  upon  to  give  it  pahlicity. 


MAIDS   OF    ALL-POPERV-AVORK. 

A  LATB  PQs«yite,  tunicd  iuude  out  to  n  Roman  Catholic,  ud 
rechristened  upon  his  turning,  Ir.NATira— Fatheu  Ignatius  tthe 
LoTOLi  is  for  a  time  suppressed)— has  called  on  all  Catholics  to  send 
female  serranta  of  their  own  creed — servants  of  the  lowest  degree,  even 
to  that  of  scullions— mto  the  honses  of  Protestants,  that  the  heretics,  or 
at  least  the  forlorn  and  foredoomed  children  of  the  heretics,  may  be 
lured  into  the  fold  of  the  Popf .  Fatokb  Ignatii  s  has  not  preached 
to  careless  hearts  or  deaf  ears:  many  female  servants,  from  lady's-maid 
to  the  nbove-nomcd  scullion,  are  at  this  moment  in  the  bosoms  of  Pro- 
testant families,  wriggled  tliern  to  carry  out  the  blessed  intentions  of 
Father  Ignatius.  The  suhjoined  correspondcuce — (for  the  present 
we  cannot  disclose  the  source  whence  we  obtained  it)— directed  to 
Fathkr  Ignatius,  has  been  forwarded  to  Cahdikai.  Wi6E1ia>-,  who, 
in  the  handsomest  manner,  has  offered  fine  paper  copies  for  the  service 
of  Mr.  B£KM£Tt,  late  of  St.  Bamabas. 

"Bt'fffrffcia  Sqtiure,  Hay  </  St.  Tippefa. 
"Most  Rkvbrbnd  Father,— I  entered  my  present  service  on  the 
day  of  St.  Blancmakoe  ;  and— my  cliaracter  as  a  Protestant  lady's-maid 
who  could  dress  hair,  having  deceived  the  scrutiny  of  even  tlie  lieretical 
prandmolher,  I  was  very  soon  received  into  the  conhdence  of 
MKfi.  *  *  *  and  her  three  daughters.  In  another  mouth,  and  they 
will  all  be  brought  orer.  They  nave  thrice  attended  mass — service  I 
believe  thev  call  it,  at  St.  Bamabas ;  and,  as  I  say,  in  a  nionlh  at  most, 
they  must  be  at  the  feet  of  the  CardiBal.  I  have  insinualed  under  the 
pillows  of  each  of  the  young  ladies  a  pocket  copy  of  the  pious  and 
Dleased  Frtrr  Drns,  and  the  good  fruits  of  that  holy  book  arc  livclily 
apDRrent. 

I  have  promised  Miss  Lvonora— (she  proposes  to  call  herself 
VxRoyiCA>— the  little  finger  of  St.  Fisa,  as  you  desired  me,  and  she 
awaits  with  an  ardour  ahnost  seraphic  the  arrival  of  a  relic  that  will 
match  her,  a  brand,  from  the  fire." 

"  1  remain,  your  Obedient  Daughter, 

"MOKICA." 
"P.S. — How  I  yearn  for  the  day,  when  my  present  duty 
pUshed,  I  return  to  the  Sisterhood  of  St.  ThistJe's !" 


acoom- 


"  Baker  Street,  Si,  Sc^'a  Eoe. 
"Holy  Fathbb,— For  three  weeks  I've  been  here  with  the  heretic 
Browxs,  and  have,  at  last,  turned  two  of  the  children,  girls,  aged  &ix 
and  eight.  I  began  my  pious  work  bv  giving 'em  rr^saries  of  bull's- 
eytt,  and  SaiVT  Mabcaret  in  gingerbread,  with  Bleeding  Hearts  in 
•agar  and  borehound.    They  continually  ask  for  more ;  wlich  I  give 


when  Ihe^  say  w*hat  I  've  taught  Vm,  a  Patenioster  and  an  Ave.3Aaria 
a-pieoe,  with  a  special  prayer  for  Father  Igxativs. 

"  I  've  got  a 'rwelfth-Cakc  blessed  by  Father  Malohet.  and  hare 
no  doubt  that  will — with  your  blessing — in  tho  fulness  of  time,  bring 
over  the  whole  family. 

"Your  Dutiful  Daughter, 

"  A^OEUCA.** 

"  P.S. — HoIt  Father,  vou  can  hardly  fathom  the  ignorance  of  these 
Bbowks!  What  a  daJy  trial  it  is  for  me  to  sink  myaeif  down  to 
their  level!" 


'^fTalwortA.St.  Ptm't  Dt^, 

"  Holt  Father,— In  obedience  to  your  commands,  and  as  a  dutiful 
daughter  of  the  Pope,  I  hare  now  lived  six  weeks  with  the  Jekk]V90N5, 
iroiunougers,  as  plain  cuok  and  maid  of  all  work.  I  found  them 
stubborn  heretics,  only  fit  for  the  Cardinal  to  deal  with— but  at  last 
have  hopes.  Liist  Sunday  but  one  we  had  n  goose,  which  I  singed 
with  a  coi>y  of  his  Holinrss's  Bull;  which  has  done  precious  work. 
Besides  this,  I've  hod  all  the  night-lights  of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jenkjnson 
blessed,  and  though  they  *ve  only  got  through  a  pound  and  a  half.  I  can 
see  that  the  unction  conveyed  into  the  tallow  haa  entered  their  liearts, 
and  that  thev  already  tx-gin  to  soften. 

*'  On  \V  ednestUy  fttst,  1  let  the  big  dog,  at  the  last  moment,  run  away 
with  a  heretic  shouldcr-of-multon,  that  the  darkeued  creatures  might 
make  their  dinner  upon  some  blessed  herrings.  1  shall  do  some  such 
ioufl  fraud  every  Wednesday  and  Friday. 

*'  Hoping  for  your  prayers, 

"  I  remain  Your  Devoted  Daughter, 

"  Teresa." 

*'  P.S.  The  butcher's  man  has  only  got  half  through  the  holy  Dexh, 
and  has  already  been  twice  to  St.  Bornikbaa." 


WHERE  IS  THE  BRITISH  LION? 

Sk.lM—**Stm»  StlU  oj  Seetlaad." 

Oh  where,  and  oh  where,  is  the  British  Lion  gone, 

That  we  hear  no  mention  made  of  him  in  the  row  that 's  going  oaP 

And  it 's  oh !  in  my  heart,  I  *m  afraid  Unit  he  is  done. 

Oh  where,  and  oh  where,  did  your  British  Lion  dwell  ? 

Oh !  'twas  somewhere  in  a  den,  of  course,  but  where  I  cannot  tell ; 

But  he 's  now  quite  used  upland  perhaps  it  is  as  well. 

Suppose  and  suppose  we  the  British  Lion  try. 
To  point  an  antipapal  speech,  should  we  get  applaose  thereby  ? 
No ;  your  hearers  all  would  laugh  at  yon,  aoa  would  sing  out  "  All  in; 
eye."  

AVho  is  for  St.  Albait'b  ?— Our  friend,  the  htrit^  New,  writbu;  <\' 
this  borough,  calls  it  *'ftdnig."    If  this  be  so,  Mtt.4fcjacs%^x\x,*^< 
candidate  chemist,  is  the  very  man  t<i  t«<9c%u:.\X^. 


I 


l^wmn^MUM 


AGGEAVATIKG-RATHER ! 


W«  hme  receiTed  &  variety  of  Idlers 
from  different  (juiutcn  relative  to  tlje 
Pi^mkI  Atrgression,  bnt  aUudisi;  to  it  io 
an  entirely  ootcI  point  of  view.  Our 
correspondents  express  tbe  fetr  t^ 
their  various  claims  od  public  and  pv- 
liamcntftry  attention  will  be  overlooctd 
in  the  present  eidtemcnt.  We  can 
only  find  room  for  tbe  beads  of  tbeM 
ooromunications, — "Tbe  Income  Tsa** 
complains  that  its  ft^justment  i»  in 
danger  of  beingpostponed  or  not  i^ 
tended  to,  "Tbe  Asseased  Taxes" 
are  under  serious  apprefaenaions  that 
they  will  not  be  revised:  and  "Tbe 
"Window  Tax.*'  in  particnlar,  is  AfVaid 
that  it  will  be  auiicred  to  rcmadl  in 
its  unpleasant  ond  inriiiious  poaitiOD 
between  the  liplit  aiid  tbe  people. 
"Smithtield"  dreads  that  it*  promised 
removaloui  of  town  for  cbanpe  of  Ktrwill 
be  deferrod.  "The  depp  deep  .Sea  " 
—  BlUTAlcinA's  prrulinr  prnpim  — i« 
ofmid  tltat  miw'  '"  K 

speakine,  will  \  \ 

of  our  aishutt  v.    .^  ;.,.....  „, 

and.  lastly,  ibe  "jitectnc  JLiWfiil '* 
declares  it  has  been  qoit«  snuflrd 
out  in  tlie  ccck:siastical  ixmtrovony 
about  cAiidles. 


Ok£  of  tue  Lights  of  Civn.is4- 
TiOM    wnicu   Bajlbakoits    Natioxs 

AEE     EXEHPT     FROll.— Tbc    Wiudow- 

Tax. 


RUB  UP  lOUn  BLUNDERBUSS ! 

To  Mr,  PuacJk, 

"  Sib,  "  MiidoK  Sail,  Dec.  \\  ISfiO. 

"  1  am  an  old  grenllcman,  and  of  an  old  way  of  thinking.  I 
hale  all  new-fangled  notions.  Most  of  the  orlTertisemrnts  that  I  meet 
with  in  the  newspapers  annoy  me.  Nine  out  of  tea  of  tbem  are  puffia  of 
some  sluiiid  invention,  or  other  novelty  pretending  to  be  an  improve- 
ment. But  now  here.  Sir,  is  an  advertu'-erneiit  copied  from  the  Tmf» 
of  tliis  dar.  which  really  was  quite  a  treat  to  me  to  read.  It  shows  that 
the  fine  old  spirit  of  John  Bull  is  not  yet  extinct,  in  spite  of  all  your 
"  progress  "  and  philanthropy.  Here  it  is,  Sir;  and  much  good  may  it 
do  you,  as  it  has  done  me : — 

F  RIM  LEY  MUBDER— The  Winler  approachiDg,  ud  Uking  iolo  cod- 
itdeniion  (Jw  l«te  murdere  aod  barKUrios,  li  bcbuTsa  all  penono,  either  town  ur 
«o«ntfT  r««l<i«QU,  to  bo  anoM]  vlUt  a  veapon  of  dercncn:  airpatflei  dealrouB  or  %n 
duliiK  «m  flud  n  v^ry  lami  ASSORTMENT  OK  I^ISTOLS  AND  QCMS,  Al  all 
prloM,  Ufa  FnMnren,  Blnnderbauct,  Ac^  at" Ac.,  &c.,  &o. 

Eh,  Sir?  What  do  you  say  to  this?  Doesn't  it  remind  'you  of  the 
line  old  times  described  by  Fielding,  when  a  walk  from  \\  estminster 
to  the  City  had  the  excitement  of  adventure,  from  the  chance  of  being 
robbed  ?  Here,  Sir,  wo  have  the  plorious  days  of  Dick  Tubpin  and 
Jebjit  Abeksuaw  come  back  again.  We  shall  now  be  in  a  position 
thoroa^hlv  to  enjov  the  Beggars  Opo-a— which  excellent  old  play,  1 
hoi«  will  be  revived  at  some  of  the  theatrrs— as  once  more  holtting  the 
mirror  up  to  society.  Of  course  I  do  not  mean  to  say  that  1  should 
lUce  to  be  robbed  and  ranrdercd ;  but.  Sir,  I  must  confess  1  do  feel  a 
sort  of  ulrasore  and  gratilicaliDo  m  the  idea  that  it  is  once  more  neces- 
sary to  keep  anna  in  tbe  hoxise.  Often  have  I  sighed  when  i  recollected 
the  old  blunderbuss  that  I  used  as  a  little  boy  to  sec  hanging  on  the 
wall  when  1  went  with  my  father  to  the  County  Bank  at  Moiddyhurst. 
There  is  nothing  in  my  opinion,  Sir,  like  shootinir  a  thief  when  you 
catch  him ;  and  I  hope  wc  shall  return  to  that  sensible  plan,  and  to  the 
good  old  precaution  of  setting  steel-tnips  and  spring-gnns ;  for  it  is 
quite  clear  that  your  modem  preventive  police  is  no  protection  what* 
ever  against  rubbers. 

"I am.  Sir,  Ac, 

"  Thohotjohbutf." 


^ftiawoias  fOR  thu  Milliok  I— Mr.  Puncn,  PyToteohnist.  oon- 
Uently  raoommeods  his  S<iuibs.  which,  both  in  brilliancy  and  utility  as 
Bgnala,  &c.  are  intinitcly  superior  to  the  finest  Rouuui  Caudles. 


NURSERY  RHYMES  FOR  GREAT  BABIES. 

Poor  Curates  who  know  not  the  world  and  iU  criroea. 
Green  half-pay  Lieutenants,  oh,  do  read  your  Timc^/ 
When  letters  come  offering  you  cash  to  advance. 
You  should  know  of  such  people  as  Mr.  H.  Harce. 

If  hard-up,  pay  your  price  for  a  loan  if  you  will. 
But  ne'er  give  n  stronger  your  name  to  a  bill, 
For  you  'II  not  have  a  farthing  remitted  to  you. 
And  you  tcUt  have  to  pay  the  nill  when  it  folia  due. 

Would  you  keep  on  the  safe  and  respectable  side  P 
Take  this  maxim  in  money-affairs  as  your  guide — 
Except  people  in  business,  and  children,  by  righia. 
No  person  whatever  should  ever  fly  kites. 

By  neglecting  the  rule  which  has  just  been  kid  duwzti 
Your  transaolious  are  rendered  the  talk  of  tbe  Towtt ; 
And  a  gentleman  thus  in  the  newspaper  flames^ 
With  Lazarus  and  Let],  and  sucu  pretty 


Oardinal  and  Gooa«> 

Rbali,t,  it  is  too  bad  of  the  public  to  hiss  and  hoot  that  very  e'evcr 
actor, Mr.  R00ER3,when  he  plays  Cardinal Pandulph  to  Mr.Macreaiit*R 
King  Join,  at  the  Haymarket.  Wc  all  know,  of  course,  that  tbe  ^b- 
approbation  is  meant  for  the  character  itaeif,  and  not  at  the  manner 
in  which  it  is  acted.  Bnt  it  is  not  usual  to  hiss  Togo  or  Sh^fio^t.  heeanaa 
their  characters  are  odious ;  on  the  contrary,  tbe  more  perfectly  their 
personator  expresses  roguery  and  malice,  tne  more  he  i^  applattded. 
As  sibilation  is  aiways  an  unpleasant  sound  to  a  performer's  ear^  PhnMA 
would  suggest  that  popular  foelinx  as  r^ards  Cardinals  might  bo 
evinced  much  more  pleasantly  to  Mr.  Rogebs,  as  well  as  more  un* 
miatakeablvj  and  even  more  loudly,  by  cheering  that  gentleman  instepd 
of  hissing  Dim.  ^_ 

The  Queen  at  the  Cattle  Show. 

Wb  are  glad  to  see  that  the  Qt;iaR  honoored  tbe  Cattle  Shov  thia 
year  with  her  presence.  Hbr  Majbbtt  had  seen  beef-eatera  befoc«s 
she  has  now  seen  what  they  are  made  of:  and  must,  no  doobC  hiM 
been  hifi^y  gratified  by  a  aigfat  proring  now  many  of  ihon  ano  MP 

among  ans  aubjects. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


A  GENTS  OPINION  ON  HATS. 


V.       ' 


z^ 


^      lUTATSLT,      JOLLT 

-^  /T^  Old  Puwcu,  I 
xniut  Mjr  thiO,  in 
rU  your  observa- 

jjr  lions  about  b*fs, 
you  have  hit  the 
riffht  DAiJ  on  the 
hmd.  Nothing 
cim  be  more  lu- 
ooavcnienl  thnn 
our  present  eAa- 
pfoH.  Now,  wit- 
ness the  hats  at 
the  Promenade 
Concerts,  or  wiy 
of  our  theAtre^, 
when  '  God  save 
f he  Qufen'  h  being 
sunj^.  There  is 
an  iuiitant  cry  of 
'Haisoff!'  Yes 
it 's  all  very  well 
tocry'IUlsoff!' 
but  when  you 
have  tftkcn  your 
hat  ofT.  where  are 
you  to  put  it 
to?  Your  arms 
Are  pinioned  to 
your  side  as  tight 
as  a  trussed  fowl. 
your  hat  is  eon- 
■wptciitly  eitiier 
kunokcd  off,  or  smashed  in,  or  else  wedged  tight  over  your  eyes; 
in  which  elegant  position  every  one  takes  advantage  of  giving  you 
a  friendly  knock  on  the  head,  whilst  you  huve  not  even  the  pleasure 
uf  M'ciug  who  your  aasiiilant  i«;  and  if  you  do  succeed  in  lifting 
off  ytmr  hat  in  time,  it  h  very  little  hetlpr  off  tliaii  on,  for  you 
are  obhged  to  hold  it  up  in  tlie  air,  whilst  all  the  solos  are  beiii^  played 
with  innumerable  variations,  on  the  cornet,  baasoon.  ophicicule,  ana 
uiccolo:  or  else  you  must  h<ild  it  by  your  sicie,  or  between  your  legs — 
from  wnich  position  it  is  sure  to  issue  forth  more  like  the  saucer  lo 
a  flower-pot,  or  the  iron  hd  of  a  coal-hole,  or  anything  else  that  is 
round  uia  flat,  and  not  usually  worn  on  the  top  of  a  geut's  bead. 

"  No  leas  thun  six  viduable  hats  of  mine  were  ruined  in  this  wa)[,  and 
you  arc  at  lihertv,  dear  old  Punchy  to  inspect  their  mangled  remains  at 
my  rooms,  any  day  you  like.  Lntterlr,  1  have  gruwn  wiser,  and  always 
go  to  the  concerts  in  a  Turkish,  or  a  felt  or  a  smoking  cap ;  something 
which  I  could  either  stow  away  in  my  pocket,  or  wear  on  my  cranium, 
AS  I  liked.  In  fact,  our  present  style  of  bearer  is  quite  unfit  for  any 
place  of  amusement,  and  to  take  one  to  on  evening  party,  whr,  it  is 
positively  dangerous.  1  suppose  some  one  comes  in  Tor  the  goon  bats, 
mit  I  know  1  never  take  a  bad  tiat  to  a  wirc'r,  but  1  am  sure  to  oome 
away  with  a  worse  one. 

"Some  reform,  as  Joet  IIl'hk  would  say,  is  terribly  wanted,  for  T 
know  A  whole  gang  of  young  fellows  who.  like  mysf.lf^  are  heartily  tired 
of  being  treated  hlce  so  many  teupcuny -nails,  by  having  a  body  of  arms 
descending,  like  a  shower  of  hammers,  and  knocking  us  perpetually  on 
the  head.  Wo  are  not  to  blame — the  fault  lies  in  our  hats. 
*•  Yours,  Dear  PHitchp, 

"  Kegularly  every  week  (price  3rf.) 

"Tim  Bounce," 


PUSEYITE  CATTLE  SHOW. 

Mk.  Pukch  is  happy  to  publish  the  announcement,  that  a  new 
Smithfield  Club  is  to  be  establisbed  on  I\ueyite  and  Medieval  prin- 
ciples, to  promote  retrogression,  in  opposition  to  the  spirit  of  the  age. 
Inatciid  oftbc  fattest  of  cattle,  will  be  exhibited  the  leanest  of  kine — 
anchorite,  hermit^  and  recluse  stock ;  sheep  of  the  ftkinandbone  foreign 
variety  (for  sheanng),  and  Ascetic  pigs.  A  list  placed  over  the  heAd  of 
eacli,  will  specifv  the  articles  of  diet  on  whica  the  creature  has  beoi 
•tanred  down  to  its  particular  extreme  of  emaciatiou— as  sutit-peas, 
pulse,  oatmeal,  sorrel,  dandelions.-  perhaps  thistles — and  rcd-uemn^. 
llie  dead  stock  up-stairs  will  include  thuumaturgic  mummies  and  reUcs 
in  great  plenty,  and  an  extensive  assortment  of  scourges,  hair-ahirta, 
iron  belts  ana  collars,  and  the  like  implements  of  self-aouoyanoe. 
There  will  be  store  of  images  and  bends  for  those  who  have  a  taste  in 
such  articles,  and  of  coors^  an  abundance  of  croeses ;  bat  the  most 
remarkable  crosses  in  the  Exhibition  will  be  those  shown  below— the 
crosses  between  the  Roman  Bull  and  the  Oxford  breed  of  eoft-homs. 


SMITHPEELD  CLUB  CATTLE  SHOW. 

Tins  melancholy  event  came  off  last  week,  when  prizes  were  dis- 
tributed to  the  breeders  of  the  very  leanest  stock— a  brass  band,  the 
horns  and  ophiclcidesdmperied  with  black  crape,  pUytug  funereal  airs  at 
intervals.  The  results  of  free  trade  were  never  more  shockingly  con- 
Bpieuous  than  in  the  (ihAdowy  forms  of  steers  and  oxen ;  whilst  there 
was  A  i>en  of  a   '  rty  one  of  which  was  visible  to  the 

naked  eye.     We  <  /tone  licnevolent  lodv  weeping  pearhi 

over  indefinitr  tli,:.»      ;:iinly  struggled  to  oecome  porkers. 

l^cre  were  ehrcp  llmt  wvtm  nothmg  but  the  merest  bladebones,  here 
and  there  covered  with  tlirruds  of  worsted.  The  Queks  and  Prince 
ALBERf^  with  two  of  tliG  little  Princes,  visited  the  spectacle,  coalom- 

f elating  it  with  IxTOining  cravilr.  The  Prince  carried  awav  ilie  nnwi 
or  n  bull  tl    '  ''  ^  isible  when  placed  under  a  gla59  of  iort>  (jpera 

power.    0*1  I  acutp  ear  might  detect  sounds  that  a  liberal 

mind  might  .:..^. , , .  o^  trhost-Hke  bellowings — spectral  bleating — with 
now  and  then  on  a.sthinatio  attempt  at  a  grunt.  The  Ddxe  or  Wbl- 
livotomU  baltering-r.(m  is  not  to  be  seen  when  looked  at  in  front; 
bat  only  from  either  aide.  It  is  said  to  hnve  been  fed  upon  old  drum- 
heads, with  occasionally  the  ribands  of  a  recruitioK-aergeant  chopped 

and  made  into  a  warm  mash.     We  ought,  by  tl     ■■       '"  * - -Ved 

that  the  Dike  ok  Kicuuond  atlentud,  as  1'  -n- 

ine ;  and  bore  in  his  face  and  manner  the  prof  ■  cr- 

able  woe.  However,  let  us  proceed  to  give  the  listuf  pnzcs,ali  uf  them 
80  many  triumphant  proofs  of  the  withering  influence  of  Free-Trade. 

OXBlf   OR  8TEXEUS. 

The  Dure  o?  Rutla7«d  carried  away  the  £,'W  pritc  for  the  thinnest 
steer.  It  had  been  fed  on  wa?ir  Cfiniffi  of  ProtiTtinnisl  pamphlets  with 
the  tune  of  "The  Hoaat  Beef  of  Old  F„..i,.„i'  ,,Uved  in  A  Uat 
on  a  tin  tnimpet.     Some  idea  may  be  >  1  or  tlic  nicety  with 

which  the  animal  had  been  brought  to  1  i  Kiint  of  life, — when 

we  state  that  five  minutes  after  the  uoblo  uuke  received  the 
prize,  the  thing  died;  all  the  brass  band  braying  "The  Roast 
Beef  of  Old  EngUnd"  for  half-an-hour  in  the  vain  hope  of  reviving 
it.  The  beast  was  distributed  among  the  Mar>lebone  poor ;  all  of 
them  ordered  to  appear  in  spectacles  to  see,  if  possible,  their  proper 
quantities. 

loxg-woolled  biterp. 

The  DcKE  OF  Atholl  bore  off  the  first  prir-c  of  £80,  for  an  extra- 
ordinary specimen  of  highland  sheep,  that  both  pu7.7lcd  and  delighted 
i[\p.  judge«4.  The  sheen  had  been  reared  upon  Higfiland  thistlea,  accord- 
ing to  tne  Duke's  well-knuwu  hospitality;  and  these  thistles  so  judici- 
ously scrvnl,  that  they  liod  taken  the  place  of  the  wool  growing  through 
the  Hiiiiimri)  sides,  and  coating  thcia  uU  over  with  their  brushy  points. 
The  Rev.  Mr.  Benxktt,  was  present,  and  was  much  delightwl  witii 
I  his  wool  of  thistles :  he  is  to  be  presented  with  a  coiuforler — the  tliiuff 
will  be  Ter^  popular  byChristmas,  tol)c  colled  the  AthoU  Bosom  Friena 
— woven  froin  the  fleece.  The  web,  in  place  of  the  vulgar  linen  shirt, 
is  expected  to  become  very  general  with  the  ladies  and  gentlemen  who 
feed  upon  the  honey  hived  at  St.  Barnabas. 

FIGS. 

CoLOXSL  BiBTHOEP  took  tho  pri^e  for  the  Pig  of  Lead ;  so  small  a 
pig,  that  it  might  creep  down  the  tube  of  a  Mordan's  pencil.  Mr. 
DisBAXU  sent  the  shadow  of  a  sow ;  one  of  his  practiod  epigrams^ 
showing  he  bad  ceased  to  have  even  a  real  squeak  for  Protection ;  be 
also  sent  a  purker  that,  from  its  largeneBS  of  aize—^here  smAllness  was 
the  object— was  deemed  hopdeeBw  any  reward.  However,  Me.  Dis- 
raeli carefully  removing  a  muxzle  from  the  pig's  snout,  tho  azudbaI 
oolh^ned  flat  as  a  crush-hat.  The  fact  ia  Mk  DisaasLi  bod,  as  he 
afterwards  averred,  seemingly  fattened  the  hog  upon  a  pair  of  bellows. 
There  are,  we  have  heard,  pigs  that  see  tho  wind ;  whether  Mr.  Dis- 
raeli's pig  is  of  that  sort,  the  eloquent  Protectionist  said  not.  He 
however  took  a  second  prixc ;  and  next  vear  promises  to  cxliibit  a  whole 
litter  of  the  smallest  pigs  in  the  world,  suckled  upon  phials  of  aqua- 
fortis. 

cows. 

The  leap  of  the  Cow  that  jumped  over  the  Moon  was  exhibited  br 

tlic  DtTKE  or  Rtchhokd.  liiis  Cow  hod  been  fed  on  the  printer's  inr 
from  the  Standard  newspaper,  which  sufficiently  accounts  for  the  daring 
altitude  of  its  flight.  The  Duke  was  proffered  the  gold  medal,  bat 
resolutely  refused  any  such  vanity. 

In  conclusion,  we  are  happr  to  say  that  tlie  Exhibition  was  well 
attended.  The  thoosands  oi  oar  countr)inca  who  witnessed  the 
wretched  condition  of  the  cattle  must  have  carried  away  with  them 
the  profound  conviction,  that  the  days  of  Free  Trade  ore  numbered ; 
and  that  a  sueedy  return  to  Protection  is  called  for  by  tbo  interests 
of  man  and  brute — from  Dukes  to  stAcrs,  from  Parlianaut  ueo  to 
pigs. 


4 


4 


4 
4 


260 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LOJTDON  CHARIVARI. 


DRAMAS    FOR    EVERY-DAY    LIFE. 

4 

THE    OMNIBUS. 


DS1MATI8  PXBIOX<. 

Mb.  IToODT A  UaUonifnt 

Slam A  Conductor  miscotubteiing  hiin$et/, 

HibsTalbots "l 

UiM  Vbaoodt I   Piuscngert    atarting  for   hoal  not 

Una  Jaxb  Pbabodt        .        .       .    f  arriving  at  BladtwaXt. 

Mu.  Juraui J 

laTTTK  JixaLBs,  LiTTUi  pKABODiKs,  Puseogers,  ^. 

TAtf  ^0^0  repretenii  the  IiUerior  qf  a  Blackwall  Omntlnts.  Moodt  and 
four  otksr  pMKngera  diaeovered.  Moody  occupies  one  of  the  comers 
near  the  door^  looking  at  the  Knightthridge  clock. 

Moodg  {poUng  ike  Conductor  tcitk  a  stick).    Now,  ilien,  I  say !    Wlien 

an  you  going  to  start  P 
Sam  {the  Conductor),  Why,  you're  cnougU  to  make  one  start  indeed; 
My  coat 's  a  pretty  stout  one,  or  by  Jot£ 
You  *d  stab  a  fellow  with  that  stick  of  yours. 
Moodjf.  None  of  your  impudence — am*t  you  goin^  on. 
Stam.  Going  on — of  course  w^c  are— but  give  us  tune 
To  take  the  nose-bags  off  the  horses'  heads. 
Moo^.  I've  sat  here  twenty  minutes  by  the  clock. 
Slam.  That  dock 's  convulsive— don't  believe  it,  Sir. 
It  'a  got  delirium  tremens  in  its  hands ; 
It  *5  very  liable  to  fits  and  starts. 
Moodg.  'Tis  fit  that  thou  should'st  start— 

I  '11  take  your  number. 
51&f».  Thirteen  'a  our  number,  and  we  wish  to  take  it. 
[Be  Jumps  on  to  his  bracket,  and  cries  out,  "  City !  — City  !— 
Bank!"-&c. 
Moodf.  Oh,  Patience ! — of  the  virtues  rarest,  best — 
"WTiy  do  they  place  thee  on  a  monument  ? — 
"Tis  in  ui  omnibus  thou'rt  needed  most. 

[Moodt  m  making  a  dig  at  the  Conductor  with  his  stick,  when  the 

door  suddenly  opens,  and  Miss  Talboys  is  pushed  in,  making  the 

sixth  passenger,  who  receives  the  point  <f  the  ferule  in  her  chest. 

Mitt  Taibogt  {shrieking).  Mercy,  what  'a  that  P— aome  one  has  run 

me  through. 

Moodg.  I  beg  your  pardon,  madam :  but,  indeed, 
The  poke  reoeived  by  you  was  meant  tor  him.  {Londlg  to  the  Conductor). 
Are  we  going  on  f 

atom.  You  're  gomg  on  pretty  fast, 

It  rtnkes  me,  Sir;  strikimrlhe  (lassengers 
Ll that fisrocioas war  {to He Dnoer wuhoni).    Bight!  cutabng. 

CMooDT  i»  ahma  to  remonttrate,  when  Slax  bangs  the  door,  and  the 
OnmUm  ffoeeeit, 
Mtoig  Cfo  Mm  TALBOTB).  UMbua.  I  tnut  I  caused  yoa 
Om^mikm^.  HoWharf! 


On  the  off-side— two  Udies  and  a  gent. 

\The  Omnibus  stops  with  a  jerk,  which  throws  Miss  Talbots  forward 
inio  MooDra  arms. 
Stem  {(Opening  the  door— addressing  hinue^  to  Moodt).  Now,  Sit,  aa 
soon  aa  it's  agreeable. 
To  let  that  lady  be  —perhaps  you  'U  allow 
These  passengers  to  get  into  the  'bus., 

Mooag.  Insolent  scoundrel !— to  insinuate 

Slam.  'Tis  you  thai 's  the  inwinnating  geiit» 
If  from  i^pearances  we  ought  to  judge. 

Now  bdies,  if  you  please.  .        «  ,  ,• 

[He  atattt  Miss  Peabqdt.  Mas  Jaxx  Pb&bodt,  and  MurrEB 
Feabodt  into  the  Ommbm,  who  make  ten  paateagert. 
Moodg.  I  '11  BummoQS  yon. 
Slam.  What  a  cantankerous  old  oove  it  is. 

{Jumps  on  to  hit  bradut.  Asms  tkedoor,  and  the  Omnibutgoet  on. 
Moodg.  Talk  of  the  savage  in  his  native  state ; 
There 's  not,  1  'ra  sure,  a jmatcr  brute  on  earth 
Than  the  conductor  of  a  Blackwsll  'bus. 

[The  vehicle  proceeds  at  afuriona  rate,  and  swags  from  side  to  side. 
MissPeabodu.  Oh,  mercy!  they'll  upset  us. 

[Miss  PiABODi  poking  at  the  Conductor  with  her  parasol. 

Hi  '.—Conductor ! 
Slam  {looking  in  at  thfi  window  and  addressing  Moody).  At  it  again— 

you  're  never  satisfied. 
Moodg.  What  d'ye  meanr-I  never  spoke  to  you ; 
There 's  somebody  inside  wants  putting  down. 
Slam  {to  the  Driver).  Hold  hard ! 

[The  Omnibus  stops:  Slajc  opening  the  door,  $aga 
Now  ladies,  please  to  look  alive ; 
The  other  'bus  is  coming  down  upon  us. 

Miss  P.  No,  no ;  'twas  not  for  that  we  stopped  the  'bos ; 
'Twas  but  to  beg  of  you  to  be  so  kind 
Aa  to  inform  the  driver  that  my  sister 

la  very  nervous  when  he  drives  so  fast.  ,    n  •    \ 

Slam  (Jun^g  up  on  his  bracket,  and  talking  without  to  the  Drtver). 
A  pretty  thing  to  stop  the  'bus  for,  Bill  ! 
We  've  got  a  nervous  lady,  here,  inside.  .  , 

iTo  Miss  FiABODT,  through  the  mndow. 
Shall  we  pull  up,  Ma'am,  at  the  Doctor's  shop  F 
Frhaps  you'd  find  something  there  to  do  vou  good. 
Mita  P.  Insolent  fellow !    What  a  set  they  are ! 
Mist  T.  Yon  're  very  right,  Ma'am.    Talk  of  Polar  Bears, 
They  can't  be  half  sucn  bears  aa— 

[The  Omnibus  steps  with  a  jerk,  which  thtoict  the  MU8£8  Peabody 
tidewagt  on  to  Miss  Talboys. 

Mercy  on  us  I 
[The  door  opens,  and  Master  John  Jikole,  aged  ^,  it  pushed  head' 
foremost  into  the  vehicle;  Master  Edwabd  Juiole,  aged  ^ 
it  thrown  on  to  the  lap  (f  Mr.  Moodt,  and  Mbs.  Jikqiz, 
making  thirteen  passengers,  with  Master  Charles  and  Hxn 
Julia  Jingle  {twins)  one  in  each  arm,  is  squeezed  through  the 
door,  looking  back  as  she  enters, 
Mrs.  J.  {standing  in  the  doorwag  qfthe  Omnibus).  That  parcel  goes  with 

me  inside — ^that  box 
Must  not  stand  side  sideways— ho !  my  carpet-bag. 
Slam.  Sit  down.  Ma'am. 

Mrs.  J.  Not  until  I  'm  saloafiea 

My  thinga  are  aafe— don't  throw  that  on  the  roof; 
I  'm  sure  that  box  is  sideways. 

Slam.  Take  your  seat— 

The  opposition  pole  will  run  you  through. 

[tie  pushes  her  forward,  and  slams  the  door.  Master  Chabubs  and 
Miss  Jinole  scream. 
Mrs.  f.  {looking  round).  Why,  where  am  I  am  to  sit_P 
Moodg  {looking  at  Mastzk  Edward).  Whose  child  is  this? 

[Puts  him  down  in  the  centre  <fthe  Omnibus, 
Mrs.  J.  {looking  at  Moodt  angnlg).     How  disaj^-eeable    some 
people  are ! 
BiLfodj/.  They  are,  indeed,'Ma'ara! 
Mrs.  J.  {sciiiing  herself  with  difficultg).  What  a  deal  of  room 
Some  people  take. 
Moodg.  Women  especially ! 

Mrs.  J.  (a  notice  at  one  end  of  the  Omnibus  hating  eaugkt  her  ege). 
What  *a  that  P  No ,  no !— I  can't  believe  mv  eyes. 
And  yet  it  says,  that  "  Childreu  must  be  paid  for ! " 
Moodg,  If  it  said  "double  fare."  I'd  cry  "Amen." 
Mn,  J.  Brute  1  but  I  '11  ask  at  once. 

[Sitting  Slak  with  a  large  Brown pnpetparm, 
I  say,  Conductor  1 
JSam.  Now,  then,^Ka*am,  keep  your  parcda  to  yoonelf : 
What  do  you  go  to  nit  a  fellow  K>rf 

Why  can't  you  speak  before  you  oome  to  blowB?  w«^ 

rgd  tUmdt  on  the  ttep.amfdeliven  thefotUming  apegu  matHk  mnim, 
I  'U  tS  you  what  it  is  /iwoold  serve  yon  right, 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI 


To  pull  yon  np  before  the  magistrate 
For  on  lusault, 

ifrt.  J.  Nonsense,  I  onlv  nucl(?cd  yon. 

Slam,  Nudffed  mo,  indeed !     Why.  only  yesterday 
I  ^t  a  walking-stick  balf-dovn  my  turoaL 
Just  now,  that  d its cou tented-looking  gent 

{loohnQ  at  MooDr.  ieka  tcoieii, 
Onre  me  a  poko  enough  to  &tir  the  fire 
Of  anger  in  my  breast— you  call  na  beatB. 
You  're  not  fur  out  in  one  respect,  at  k-nst ; 
for  what  we  bear,  bears  out  thf  name  yoii  givr  «?. 

Afoai^,  Well,  don't  eo  on  in  that  insulting  way  ; 
The  lady  want*  to  spcsLC  to  yoiu 
'   S!ai-i.  Oh,  does  she  ? 

8bc '»  capable  nf  speaking  for  herself.  [Moont  gmnt$. 

Ur».J.  ^  lid  say  is  this— you  don't  of  course 

Cliarge  for  i  ? 

Slam.  Yc^,  i^i  rrjursc  we  do. 

Mn.  J,  What  for  such  precious  dean  as  these  ? 

Slam.  Why,  ^a'am, 

These  precious  dears  were  prccions  dear  to  us, 
If  we  tor  nothing  carried  them  about. 

Mrft.  J,  'Ti5  cruel ;  can  you  look  into  l!ie  face 
Of  hfilpless  infnnrv,  and  have  the  heart 
r    '  ■:    ^      '     ^"    '  '    KMlIhiivotopay 
harp;  ? 

'  hrce-pcncc — mark'd  oulBidc ; 
You  I  a  must  be  paid  for ! " 

Ml  -  chickens  ?— all  at  Ihree-penoe  each  ? — 

You  hftve  ii\:>  cliUJrut,  'busman,  if  you  had — 

[Mas.  Jimglb  ii  proccediruf  iti  hor  derlamaiiwt,  wkc/i  a  anuuA  is 
heard,  ajfrk  tafdt — fht}  tico  near  tchceU  h^omd  '*  t^ff**  toAeeli, 
and  (he  Ommbvi  and  the  airtainfaU  toffaiker. 


THE    NEW    OXFORD    COSTUfiTE. 

An   UlCDXBOBADDATB  OOmO  TO  LBCriTES. 


EXTRACTS  FROM  THE  IRISH  HUE  AND  CRY. 

Tour  GowAy  is  adrcrtiaed  as  having  lost  "  A  Pig  with  a  very  long 
tail,  and  a  black  spot  on  the  tip  of  its  snout  that  curls  up  behind." 

A  Cow  ig  descnbcd  us  "  very  difiiciilt  to  milk,  and  of  no  use  to  any 
one  but  the  owner,  with  one  horn  much  longer  than  the  other." 

John  Hawkins  is  alluded  to  as  having  *' a  pair  of  quick  prev  eyes, 
with  little  or  no  whiskers,  and  a  Roman  nose,  that  has  a  great  difliculty 
in  looking  any  one  in  the  face." 

BsTsr  Watebtoh  is  aoouaed  of  having  "absconded  with  a  chest  of 
drnwers  and  a  cock  and  hen,  and  has  red  hair  and  a  broken  tooth,  none 
of  which  are  her  own." 

The  Manager  of  the  Savings'  Bank  at  Danfcrry,  near  Goofowran,  is 
spoken  of  in  these  terms:  "He  had  on,  when  last  seen,  a  p-iir  of  cor- 
duroy trousers,  with  a  tremendous  squint  rather  the  worse  for  wear, 
besides  an  affected  lisp,  wfaioh  he  endravours  to  conceal  with  a  pair  of 
gold  speotaelea." 

A  burglar  has  his  portrait  taken  in  the  following  manner.  "  Ho  has 
little  or  DO  hair,  but  black  eyes  ou  a  turufnl-up  nose,  which  is  dyed 
black  to  couoeal  its  greyness." 


THE  PREMIER'S  LETTER- WRITER  TO  THE  POPE. 

Ma.  PuvcH,  as  private  and  confidential  Secretary  to  tbe  Premier. 
to  transmit  tne  subjoined  letter,  together  with  a  more  formal 


official  communication,  by  the  ordinary  meduum  of  Gonvcyance,  to  His 
Holinesa; — 

"  Mt  deab  Sir,  ''Downing  Sfrtef,  Dee.  14, 1860. 

"  I  wish  to  address  ^ou— plain  Mast.u  rEiiRErn— as  equally 
plain  JoHX  Ri;saELL.  My  object  iu  writing  this  note  is,  to  render  the 
diplomatio  message  aooompanying  it  ncrfcctly  clear  to  you ;  so  that 
there  &haLl  be  no  mistidEe  anout  it.  Oi  course  you  are  aware,  by  this 
time,  of  the  violent  excitement  wliieh  has  been  occasioned  among  us  by 
your  division  of  Enghind  into  bishopricks.  Do  not  suppose  that  thu 
was  iu  the  least  dcj^ce  crenlcd  by  my  I  '  '  '  '  '  i  the  country 
through  the  Bianop  op  Durham.    On  iL  :\t  letter  alone 

it  is  owing,  Uuit  the  excitement  was  no!  ut.    If  1  had 

not  written  it,  I  don't  know  what  wouS  and  I  know 

not  what  will  nappcn  if  1  do  not  falfU  tli  >.    I  liave  as 

good  as  pnunisea  tlio  people  legal  rcdre  >  our  bishops* 

temtoriM  titles.    That  has.  oomparativii  1  must  keep 

ua  promise,  or  be  universally  scouted,  or  ,.uii  nniai  tiutc  the  aifoir  out 
ofniy  hands,  by  revoking  your  buU.and  relranatating  your  bishops  t9 
MAhpotamofi,  and  t'topia,  and  Jericho. 

•*  As  Vicars  Apostolic,  or  whatever  else  you  uuyr  please  to  call  tlun 
except  bishops  of  places  iu  llnuland,  there  i^  no  objection  at  all  to 
their  remaining  here.    Our  pcopio  don't  'otlieai  in  the 

slightest  manner,  or  to  prevent  tliera  frc  lacliing  their 

peculiar  doctrines  ^I'th  perfect  frcedoiu  ,  uu.  n,.  i..nii3U  public,  mind 
you,  will  not  have  those  iloctrinea  preached  and  taught  under  what 
appears  tu  be  its  sanction  aud  npprovHl. 

Now,  my  dear  Sir,  you  must  see  ■  hlomon. 

Ahcubishop  ot  WFSTMnrsTKR,  is  oothi  ..  ick  than 

making  use  of  W  ^  ustcr's  name  to  indurt-u  a  itill.  &q  wilti  the  rest 
of  your  bbi:  roughout  Encland.— I  forbear^  from  qualifying 

these  transa^.iv....^  ...li  llie  terms  wiiicli  I  should  be  justified  in  apply- 
ing to  them ;  but  really,  my  dear  Sir,  I  mo&t  say  that  this  kind  of  tlung 
won't  do :  and  you  cannot  be  allowed  to  take  these  liberties  with  our 
credit.  Underst-and.  once  for  all,  that  Jony  Uulx  is  resolved  to  be  a 
boll  to  himself;  and  let  me  recommend  you— I  speak  vernacularly,  not 
aa  an  expositor — to  draw  in  those  horns  of  yours,  or  cise  you  will  place 
me  between  (hose  of  a  very  unpleasant  dilemma.  I  have  the  honour  to 
be,  my  dear  Sir, 

"  Yours,  fts  you  behave  yourself, 

"  T^  Ri.  Reo.  Mtistai  FemiO,  *'  Johk  Rubskj-l." 

BiiAop  cf  Homfi" 


THE  WOMEN  OF  WINDSOR, 

Tin  Women  of  Windsor  hare  been  petitioning  the  QVESV  on  the 
Papal  aff^ression,  and  ;uuong  other  umtters,  thev  express  the  gratitude 
of  their  hearts  for  the  atmoaphero  with  which  the  court  is  surrounded." 
We  know  that  some  people  about  a  court  give  thein&dvvs  precious 
airs,  hut  we  cannot  si^  whether  these  form  part  of  tbe  atuioiiphere  so 
prized  by  the  Women  of  Windsor.  The  a<idrcss  has  too  much  of  the 
scent  of  Windsor  soap  about  it  to  please  us,  and  we  are  pretty  sure  that 
Hbr  MAjESTi'sgooJ  sense  will  revolt  somewhat  against  the  oonelnsion 
come  to  by  the  Women  of  Windsor,  that  "  the  royarcxamplc  has  thrown 
a  lustre  over  their  maternal  duties;"  or  in  other  woras,  rendered  it 
"  genteel"  to  have  a  familv.  The  maternal  duties  when  properly  per- 
formed, u  in  the  case  of  Victobu.  give  lustre  to  the  higlicftt  station, 
but  as  to  their  deriving  any  lustre  from  it,  the  Queen  herself  would  tell 
the  Women  of  Windsor  that  the  first  and  moist  natural  of  our  alTcctions 
can  require  no  .wnction  from  a  court  to  add  to  their  rcspcctahiUty.  Wr. 
never  wish  to  be  luml  upon  the  soft  sex ;  however,  we  must  toll  the 
Women  of  Windsor  that  there  is  quite  enough  twaddle  and  toadyism 
in  the  world  without  their  adding  to  the  stock,  especially  when  tbey 
address  it  to  an  iUustrious  lady  whose  aversion  to  humbug  of  crery 
description  is  proverbial. 


Ooing  a  latttA  too  Far. 

Th2  Bibuop  of  LoxnoN  wrote  to  Ma.  St.  6AiiNA3Aa  BtWiR 
the  following  mild  caution  :— 

*'  I  r««Il7  fou  7011  are  curjlag  things  too  ht." 

We  agree,  for  once,  with  tbe  Bishop  of  London,  and  mvi  Mj  that 
when  a  gcntlenian  nina  from  Pimlico  to  R'tm&,  and  carries  his  prinri- 
plcs  to  tlic  extreme  lengths  which  Mji.  St.  B-  BExmETT  has  done,  that 
It  18  *'  carr>ing  thinga  a  little  too  far."  If  the  reverend  gentleman  were 
to  oairy  his  principles  out  altogcther—we  mean  out  of  the  Church  of 
England— we  *hiiik  jt  would  bo  very  much  hotter  for  tbe  intexoda^^^^ 
parties. 


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4 


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262 


PUNCir.  OR  THE   LONDON  CHARIVARI 


OitU^yrian.  *'Is  tour  Mistbess  withiivj  mt  dbab  ! '^ 
Maid'O/AU-Worl'.  **  On,  help!    hklp  !    iikkb's  a  Booib,  Missus! 

USLP I     B£LP  !" 


PUSEYISM  IN  THE  POLICE. 

Tub  resignatioa  of  Kb.  Bennztt  will  at  nil  evenU  .^top  tiic  spread 
of  Puscyism  thiit  might  liiirc  been  introduced  omonfr  the  Police  farce, 
by  its  being  necessary  to  send  some  'JW  or  300  of  them  every  Sunday 
to  form  B  part  of  the  congrcntion  of  St.  Baniftbas.  We  have  not 
Dcvd  of  any  very  strong  case,  out  had  the  recent  proceedings  gone  on, 
ve  might  have  met  with  a  constable  here  and  there  insisting  on  lighting 
the  cudle  in  his  buirs-cye  by  dav,  and  ringing  at  five  o'clock  every 
morning  thft  bells  of  his  own  neighbourhood.  Happily,  these  Bennctt- 
isms  are  not  uov  in  danger  of  aruing,  as  the  Police  force  will  no  longer 
be  rocmired  to  be  on  duty  while  the  cIcricAl  duty  i^  being  performed 
inHmlioo.  

BiaTHmiiD  FOB  bveb! 

Wjtb  the  view  to  improve  Smithlleld,  the  Corporation  proposes  to 
enl&r^  H.     Every  child  must  perceive  that  this  will  simply  be  making 
Smithiicld  A  greater  uuis&aoe  than  it  was  before. 


PUNCH    ON    SPECIAL    PLEADING. 


CEXPTBft  THJ  SXOOKD.^Or  THZ  SECUi&ATIOX. 

Thr  writ  being  now  served,  it  is  next  to  be  returned,  and  this  h 
souietimes  done  by  ^ving  it  back  at  once  to  the  bailiif  or  throwing  it  in 
his  face.  Such  oiiiclc  retnnis  oa  these  would  bring  such  very  stnaU 
profit  to  a  plaintiff  that  they  are  not  allowable,  and  tbu  writ  can  only  be 
returned  by  the  sheriiT  bringing  it  back,  on  a  certain  day,  into  the 
superior  court.  He  then  gtvca  a  short  aoooont,  in  writing,  of  the 
manner  in  which  the  writ  has  been  executed ;  but,  if  the  bailiif  has  been 
pumped  upon — as  we  find  reported  in  Bbowkk— or  pelted  with  oysters, 
as  in  Suellbt's  caae,  or  kicked  down  stairs,  as  he  was  in  Foot  against 
the  Sheriff,  it  does  not  teem  that  the  particulars  need  be  set  forth. 

If  the  defendant  docs  not  appear  within  eight  days  after  the  writ  hM 
come  "  greeting,"  as  if  it  womd  say,  "  my  service  to  you,*'  the  plaintiff 
may,  in  most  cases,  appear  for  him ;  and  this  shows  huw  true  it  is  that 
j^pearuces  are  often  deceitful  and  treacherous  i  for,  when  a  pl&intiff 
appears  for  a  defendant,  it  is  only  to  have  an  opportunity  of  appearing 
against  him  at  the  next  step. 

The  pleadings  now  commence,  which  were  originally  delivered  orally 
by  the  parties  tncmselves  in  open  Court,  when  Bucoees  might  depend  on 
length  of  tongue  ;  but,  the  parties  themsetves  bdng  got  rid  of,  in  the 
modem  practice,  and  the  landers  coming  in  to  represent  them,  succesa 
usually  depends  on  length  of  nurse.  Tuc  object  of  pleadinfi;,  whether 
oral  or  written,  is  to  bring  tne  partk'S  to  an  issue  j  which  means, 
titerally,  a  way  oat ;  but,  in  practice^  the  effect  of  ^tting  plaintiff  ana 
defendant  to  an  issue  is  to  let  them  both  regularly  in. 

Almost  all  ple.is  except  those  of  the  simplest  kind,  must  be  signed  by 
a  barrister;  who  uoes  not  usually  draw  the  plea,  but  be  merely  dravra 
the  half  gumea  for  the  use  of  his  name.  The  pleading  begins  with  the 
declaration,  in  which  the  plaintiff  is  supposed  to  state  the  cause  of  ac- 
tion ;  but  in  which  he  gives  such  an  exaggerated  account  of  his  grierances, 
that  not  more  than  one-tenth  of  what  he  states  is  to  be  believed.  For 
example,  if  A.  Irns  hod  his  nose  slightly  pulled  by  B.,  the  former  pro- 
ceeds to  say  that  "  the  defendant,  with  force  and  arms,  and  with  great 
force  and  violence,  seised,  laid  hold  of,  pulled  plucked  and  tore,  and 
with  hb  lists,  gave  and  struck  a  groat  many  violent  blows,  and  strokes, 
nn  and  about,  divers  parLs  of  ibc  pluintiff's  nose."*  H  JovEs  haa  been 
given  into  custody  by  Smith,  without  suJijcient  reason:  and  Jovss 
brings  an  action  for  false  imprisonment ;  instrjid  of  saying.  *he  was  com- 
pelled to  go  to  a  station  house."  he  declares  that  the  defendant,  "with 
lorce,  ana  arms,  seized,  laid  hold  of,  and  with  great  violence  pulled,  and 
dnumd,  and  gnve,  and  i^truck  a  great  moii^  violent  blows  and  strokes, 
ana  forced,  and  compelled  him— llic  plainlifi  to  go  in  and  along  divers 
pubhc  streets  and  liighwnys,  to  a  police  oflice;  whereby  the  plamliff 
was  not  only  greatlv  hurl,  bruised  and  wounded  but  wa.s  also  kept." 

If  Snooks's  doff  bites  Thomwjn's  pet  lamb,  Snooks  declares  That 
defendant  did  wiliuUv  and  injuriously  keep  a  certain  dog,  be,  the  defen- 
dant, well  knowing  that  the  said  dog  was  and  continued  to  be  6erce  and 
mad,  and  accustomed  to  attack,  bile,  ixyurc,  hurt  chase,  worr>-.  harass, 
teftr,  Airttate,  wound,  lacerate,  snap  at,  and  kill  sheep  and  huuhs,  ana 

thai  tiie  said  dog  afterwards,  to  wit,  on  the day  of ,  and 

divers  other  days,  did  attack  (&c.  Jtc.  down  to)  and  kill  one  hundred 
sheep  and  one  hundred  lambs  of  the  nlaintiifi  whereby  the  said  sheep 
and  the  said  lambs  (it  will  be  remembered  there  was  only  one  lamb.) 
were  g[rcatly  terrified,  daina°;cd,  injured,  hart,  deteriorated,  frightened, 
deprccmted.  floored,  Huitteied,  and  tiabbergasted,  to  the  damage  of  the 
plaintiff  of  £ -.,  and  t  iicrcforc  he  brings  his  suit." 

The  various  forms  of  declaration  are  so  numerous,  that  they  fill  a 
volume  of  700  large  iviges  of  Chitty,  who  is  quite  chatty  on  this  dry 
aubjcrt,  so  much  does  lie  find  to  say  with  regard  to  it.  To  this  able  and 
amusing  vrritcr  wc  refer  those  who  are  curious  to  know  how  a  school- 
master  may  declare  for  **  work  and  labour,  core,  diligenoe,  and  attend- 
ance of  himself,  his  ushers  and  teachers,  there  performed  and  beatowed  in 
and  about  the  teacliing,  instructing,  boarding,  educating,  lodging,  flog- 
ging, rtitiglilening,  thrashing,  washmg,  whipping,  and  otherwise  soundly 
improving  divers  infants  and  persons."  Theae,  and  almost  all  other 
couceivame  causes  of  action,  are  dealt  with  fully  in  the  pikges  to  wliicti 
allude,  and  all  therefore  who  wish  the  treat  of  going  to  law,  are 
referred  to  the  treatise  alluded  to. 


Muaical  InteUige&oe. 

Thb  celebrated  Harp  of  Irchmd  is^  we  arc  informed,  to  be  thoroughly 
repaired  and  improved.  The  old  strings,  thai  were  alwaw  snappiM  or 
iaagling,  are  to  be  replaced  by  entirely  new  ones,  mannnctofcd  liom 
Iriflh  flax,  and  prepared  with  an  application  of  the  promots  OAirad 
from  Irish  peat ;  which  will  greatly  ameliorate  the  tone  Mia  enbvge  tho 
capabilitirs  of  the  instrument,  rendering  its  powers  equal  to  the  tune  oC 
some  millions  per  annum. 


I 
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*  CLUlj  oa  riaidlag,  vol  U.  p.  dOO. 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


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263 


E  Men  of  Ma)-o!  Mji-Ilpcn^ 
tlie  Secretiiry  of  the  Ca'^tlebar 
Indaatriol  Society  of  Gentle- 
men !  Yonr  Irttor,  with  it« 
enclosures,  lias  come  to  htuid 
find  AS  the  CostlcbAr  Indiutrial 
Socictj-  appears  desirous  to  give 
publicity  to  its  resolutions,  I 
nave  the  Uononr  to  print  them, 
in  this  the  last  number  of  my 
periodical,  which  appCArs  in  this 
lait  week  of  the  mchuicholy 
year  1860  :— 

"Rmoltkd:  That  In  Mn>H|uence  of 
lh«  atUcki  nudo  on  the  Cfttholic 
ttMkIoti  of  tliU  rtnintry,  m  well  u  on 
nil  Cttholiu  iDdiicrimiDBtcly,  all  over 
the  world,  by  thu  notorious  paper 
called  PaneX  ■  notoriotw  for  nuutj 
fijMboodji  uid  wicked  Intentioiui :  ^nd 
ftltboDfth  Um  mibacriptlcm  bi  pcld  for 
Bome  time  In  Edriuice,  the  Committee 
AD*  Tinnnlmniiftly  r>f  riplnlon  that  ft. 
wouH  I*  eneniira^ng  &  repetition  of 
KimiUr  fnlftebnod'T  uia  deilgnis  as  wen 
an  I'liriHitmKln^  dmt  ftnatfcal  B^tteiu 
cf  ipioninM  and  intoleraneo  In  thd 
mlAf^iilded  ['nKllali  people,  tn  rocelvn 
It,  for  t)i«  rutiiiv,  into  thtrlr  Ri<a<llnf;' 
lti>onii  ;  atid  our  Clerk  in  directed  to 
Itive  Intlmiitlon  of  tbLi  our  Intention 
)■>  lite  rri)pri<>lor,  ai  well  an  to  flriid 
lilni  a  cop/  of  this  KeaoluUon ;  and 
tliat  Uie  Ttlffntpk,  tl)9  /'rnnnrtn'* 
Jownutl,  and  Tahttt  newspapenk  !»» 
anpplied  a  copj',  rcnuMting  that  wimo 
will  bo  Inwrcod  Id  ibelr  pfttrloUo 
papon." 

It  appears  from  the  above  sUlemcnt.  0)  that  in  consequence  of  the  attarks  made 
by  the  notorious  PwffM  on  t!ie  Calliolic  religion  of  Ireland,  and,  indeed,  of  all  other 
countries,  (and  ftllhouKh  the  subscription  is  paid  for  some  time  in  adrancc.)  the 
Committee  of  the  Castlcbar  Society  will  not  receive  the  misguided  English  iwople 
into  their  reading-rooms;  and  (2)  tnat  tiie  Clerk  is  instructed  to  inform  the  Pro- 

Brietor :  and  that  the  editors  of  three  Irish  newspapers  ahall  "be  supplied  a  copy"  of 
^19  reaohition,  requesting:  "thai  same  "  will  be  inserted  in  their  pajicrs. 

As  the  Proprietor  of  the  benighted  English  people.  I  must  fp-ievc  that  the  doors  of 
jroiir  Athcniciim  are  closed  to  tliem :  considering  the  subscription  is  paid  for  some 
lime  in  advauce."  this  measure  is  hard  upon  mT  people;  but  as  your  Committee 
has  come  to  tlic  resolution,  I  have  but  to  record  that  same,"  and  deplore  the  loss 
which  bos  befallen  this  infatuated  uation. 

Sir,  and  pood  friend— this  is  the  end  of  the  vcar;  my  paper  will  appear  upon  a  da>' 
which,  since  the  first  of  Chriatuifts  Days,  lias  been  consecnitcd  to  peace  and  good- 
will ;  and  I  am  not  going  to  lose  my  temper  at  this  season,  or  have  a  word  of  any- 
tliincc  but  kindness,  Tor  you  or  any  other  Irishman,  An^jlican,  Roman,  Puscrite, 
Goruamite.  Momionite,  or  what  not.  This  is  n  truce  day— and  ought  to  be  held  as 
those  days  were  held  in  the  Peninsular  campai^s,  when  the  French  and  the  Anglo- 
Irish  outposts  came  down  and  talked  to  eacli  other  in  a  friendly  manner,  and  handed 
each  other  their  beef  or  their  brandy-flasks  across  thewnter  with  a  *' Bonjoitr. 
Paddy!"  or  "Uowd'yedo.  Mounseer'r"  i  hope,  in  the  neitjUwuring  capital 
of  IWrn,  His  Grace  your  Lord  Archbishop  will  have  as  gooil  a  dinner  as  my  Iiord 
Bishop.  I  hoDc  his  Eminence  at  St,  George's  and  his  Lordship  at  Fulham  will  be 
pretty  ehcerfol;  and  Doctor  Adler.  will  have  a  comfortable  turkey  (without 
sausages)  and  Doctor  Comking  a  pleasant  dinnerj  though  they  both  of  them  belong 
to  sects  which  are  not  ia  the  habit  of  keeping  Christmas. 

And  I  wonld  that,  the  year  ending  so,  tne  next  oould  begin  and  continue  so ;  and 
that  you  and  I,  Mr.  Huoires,  could  have  no  cause  for  disputing.  But  before  you 
accuse  mc  and  others  of  making  attacks  upon  Catholics  all  over  the  world,  sec,  my 
good  Sir.  how  it  is,  and  aince  when  it  is,  that  these  hostilities  have  beguii!  Not 
two  months  ago  we  were  livine  in  peace  and  quiet ;  not  two  months  ago,  and  I  had 
the  benefit  (or  somebody  to  wiiom  you  showed  that  touching  mark  oT  confidence) 
of  your  sn  Inscription  to  my  paper ;  not  very  many  months  ago,  when  your  people  of 
Mayo  were  in  straits,  who  -came  to  helpP  whose  monev  was  it  that  supphed  yon? 
who  brought  Indian  com  and  rice  to  yon  ?  Did  relief  come  from  Home  or  from 
London  P  It  was  the  English  Protestants  that  helped  you — and  who  showed  that 
their  meaning  was  peace  and  good-will. 

What  was  it  altered  the  relations  of  amity?  ^Vllo  was  it  began  war?  Let  the 
Lion  of  St.  Jarlath's  himself  say,  was  the  truoc  broken  by  us,  or  was  it  the  Popf/s 
army  that  marched  upon  ns  to  take  possession  of  our  territory?  IndiiBtriol 
Castlebariaus !  we  appeal  to  you,  and  ask  who  gave  the  signal  for  the  fight^  and 
whether  it  was  not  nis  Eminence  with  his  pastoral  croolc  that  first  occasioned 
the  Shaloo  P  Yes,  it  was  the  march  of  that  confounded  prelate  from  the  Elaminian 
Gate,  who  came  upon  us  *' rubaUe tibia  »acrat  jaciUaitu area"  and  caused  this 
abominable  strife  and  uproar. 

Before  that,  we  were  firing  in  peace  and  freedom ;  before  that,  if  the  serrioes  of  the 
BuHOP  07  UzupoTAMUS  wcre  not  required  at  that  remote  see,  be  was  quite  welcome 


to  lire  in  Golden  Square;  before  that,  our  Catholic  friends 
lived  in  confidence  with  us,  and  we  laughed  and  worked 
together;  Fatitkr  Trnatitts  was  as  much  at  liberty  to 
wear  a  beard  iis  Mr.  Mit^t?.;  Fathkb  Fabeb  might  wear 
liisrioak;  MR.BENNETTmightlight  his  candles;  the  Lion  of 
St.  Jarlath's  mipht  growl  now  and  anou— but  Chiiinc  is  a 
distant  place  and  the  voire  of  Mayo  \s  not  very  lood  iu  this 
city;  we  wereallat  pfni"'"in'lhningeachother,ortolerHting 
each  other,  which  i  ing ;  when  liia  Eminence  nuts 

his  confounded  orini  --i our  premises, and  our  whole 

empire  is  at  strife;  Lokd  John  begins  to  crvout  "Mum- 
mery ! "  Doctor  Nkwhan  begins  to  tell  us  t>iat  we  are  all 
—I  need  not  soy  what ;  the  BlSHOP  OP  LoMDON  begins  to 
blow  out  poorMR.  Bexjiett's  candlesj  the  boya  begin  to  hoot 
the  Oratorians  in  the  streets ;  the  Irish  begin  to  ihrash  the 
policemen  ("Let  the  Pom  give  the  word,  we're  the 
ehildthren  of  the  Cruseeders,"  aa  Mr.  Avbbosk  Puilups 
says) ;  Piturh  (who  must  alwaysbe  a  Protestant  ^begins  to  cori- 
catnre  his  Enuncnce.  and  to  langh  at  his  stockings ;  and  my 
honest  Cnstlebar  Industrial  Society  publishes,  not  a  bull,  but 
a  resolution  full  of  bulls ;  and  there  'a  brawling,  and  bicker- 
in?,  and  broken  heads,  and  friends  parting,  and  fighting 
and  fury  all  round. 

Ah,  Mr.  Tl  nniTTS—nh.  yc  men  of  the  Castlcbar  Athenayum  t 
it 's  hard  to  think  that  tue  Popk  of  Rome,  wtio  had  been  pot 
to  allow  one  little  Protestant  Chnpd  to  exi*t  in  his  city,  in 
the  midst  of  these  vcr>dispul€a— in  the  midst  of  these  shrieks 
for  freedom  and  fair  play  and  liberty  of  conscience  with 
which  his  officers  are  mroking  the  genius  of  our  country 
— it  is  hard,  I  sav,  that  tlie  Pope  of  Romb  should  hnvc  had 
tliat  one  little  Protestant  Chanel  shut  up!  On  tliis 
Christmas  Day  our  people  can  nnd  no  refuge  within  the 
Popr's  city,  but  must  go  out  of  the  Flan\inian  Gate  to  say 
their  prayers.  Kotmd  the  walls  of  his  capital,  monuments 
imperishable  of  the  constancy  of  Christian  men.  arc  caves 
nr'*  catacombs,  in  which  the  first  bishops  and  believers  in 
his  fiaith  worshipped  and  died  in  secret.  Tljo  symbol  of 
his  creed  is  raised  up  triumphantly  in  the  arena,  where  its 
martyrs  of  old  braved  torture  and  overcame  death  ;  and  the 
apartments  of  his  palace  are  still  decorated  with  pictures 
representing  and  lauding  the  slaughter  of  Protestants. 
An  me!  that  Christian  people  should  erer  have  sale  for 
those  portraits  or  painted  them !  Yon  who  anecr  at  the 
beadle  who  keeps  guard  at  the  shrine  of  Saivt  Edward. 
what  sav  you  to  the  librarian  who  sbows  you  the  medal 
of  the  Massacre  of  Bartholohew  P  If  a  Pope  could 
absolve  from  allegiance  to  Elizabeth,  excuse  us  at  least 
for  thinking  that  the  same  fate  ini^ht  befoJ  the  successors 
of  either.  See,  at  any  rate,  that  there  are  reasons  why  wc 
must  differ  from  yon  ;  and  why,  when  you  make  your  own 
claim,  phut  your  own  standarcl,  appeal  to  your  own  pedi- 
gree, we  should  adrancc  ours  in  our  turn. 

And  when  the  battle  begins  again — Mat  the  Right 
Side  Win— that  is  a  toast  which  wc  all  of  us  can  drink  on 
this  day  of  tmee  ;  and  which  concerns  the  humblest  persons 
engaged  as  much  as  it  does  the  Primate  of  all  England,  in 
whichever  part  of  Lambeth  he  be.  May  the  Right  Side 
Win,  and  toe  fight  be  conducted  with  manly  fair-play. 


Tbe  Sweating  System. 
Till!  Tcnerable  old  proverb  luut  recorded  the  melancfaotT 
fnrt  that  "It  takes  nine  tailors  to  make  a  man;"  and 
really,  from  the  miserable  way  in  which  the  Jew  "sweating" 
masters  treat  them,  one  might  be  induced  to  believe  it  as 
a  truth;  for  their  wages  arc  so  shamefully  small,  that  it 
may  be  said,  "  It  takes  the  wages  of  nine  tailors  to  make 
the  pay  of  an  ordinary  workman," 


TTEATT  BLEEP. 


A  PERSON  cannot  sleep,  wc  are  told,  when  he  has  an^- 
thin^  heavy  weighing  upon  his  mind,  and  we  have  felt  this 
heavmeas  of  sleep  ourselves,  most  particuhu-ly  at  this  time 
of  the  year,  when  we  have  fonnd  it  totally  im^josaible  to 
compose  our  minds  comfortably  to  sleep,  owing  to  the 
numW  of  Christmas  Wnilt, 


The  Oardinal  OontTOveray. 

Both  sides  in  this  controversy  declare  that  the  questioa 
is  so  plain,  "  that  it  ia  quite  unanswerable ; "  bat  from  the 
number  of  letters  that  hare  been  written  upon  the  subject, 
and  tbe  endless  answen  they  have  received,  it  hardly  b^Ju^ 
like  it. 


L: 


Vou  XIX— 16&0. 


^gvQ,  *e>^^- 


364 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON   CHARIVARI. 


CHBISTMAS  BEEP  IN  THE  CITY. 

ZABLT  all  the  streets  of  Lon- 
don last  week  were  more  or 
less  hnng  with  prize  beef. 
Tallow-chandlers  and  soap- 
boilers, as  they  looked  upon 
the  carcases,  paid  homage  to 
the  fat,  and  cooks  and  kitchen- 
maids  dropped  curtsies  to  Mr- 
quisites  in  perspective.  But 
of  all  the  show-beef  exhibited, 
no  carcase  so  worthily  appealed 
to  the  admiration  of  a  discrimi- 
nating public  as  the  carcase  of 
an  ox,  destined,  as  we  heard^ 
for  th»  Lord  Mator's  table 
during  the  dinner  festivities  of 
the  season — it  was  no  other 
than  the  carcase  of  the  last 
bullock  that,  driven  from 
Smithfield  market,  broke 
shop-windows,  knocked  down 
horses,  and  in  Bowling-Green- 
Lane  lifted  an  old  woman 
"into  the  air  several  feet, 
letting  her  fall  near  the  walls" 
of  anappropriate  burial-ground, 
which,  as  a  final  tenant,  shi: 
narrowly  escaped.  Further, 
the  bullock  gored  a  man  named 
Thomas  Lagan;  who  two 
days  afterwards  died  in  St 
Bartholomew's, 
It  will  be  readily  conceded  that  this  bullock  was— especially  for  the 
Citr  of  London— the  prize  biUlock  of  the  season,  as  vindicating  the 
cmo  wisdom  that  clings  to  Smithfield  Market  as  a  no  less  vital  than 
vmerable  institution,  l^e  carcase  was  tastefully  decorated  with  black 
ribiuuls;  and  will  be  brought  to  the  civic  table  to  solemn  music,  the 
"  Dead  March  "  takSw,  for  the  nonce,  the  place  of  "  The  Roast  Beef  of 
Old  England."  All  the  champions  and  defenders  of  Smithfield  Market 
have  been  invited  by  the  Loud  Mayor  to  partake  of  what  may  em- 
phatioally  be  called,  the  City  Prize  Bullock. 


BAKE  PROBABILITY. 


Wz  hare  heard  of  a  state  of  surliness  comparable  only  with  that  of 
"a  bear  with  a  sore  head;"  but  it  has  been  found  that  a  bear  with  a 
sore  eye  is  a  still  more  unmanageable  animal.  Science  has  therefore 
been  lately  occupied  in  operating  on  the  ursine  organs  of  vision,  as  it 
occasionally  does  upon  the  human  eye  for  cataract.  A  curious  account 
has  lately  appeared  of  the  treatment  of  bears  for  this  affection ;  and, 
we  are  happy  to  say.  the  attempt  has  been  so  far  successful,  thnt  we 
shall  not  be  under  the  necessity  of  seeing  at  the  Zoological  Gardens  a 
lot  of  short-sighted  bears,  or  bears  with  eye-glasses  and  si>ectacles. 

The  bear  who  was  a  patient  on  a  late  occasion,  was  kindly  r^^led 
with  a  draught  of  chlorofomL  which  rendered  him  insensible  to  all  pain. 
So  great  was  the  gratitude  of  the  bear  to  the  medical  gentlemen,  that  he 
womd  have  acknowledged  their  attentions  with  an  e&ctionate  hug,  if 
he  could  have  got  near  enough ;  and  as  it  was,  there  streamed  from  his 
eyes  a  cataract  of  tears  of  joy,  which  pleasingly  replaced  the  cataract 
m>m  which  he  had  been  suffering. 


The  Affairs  of  Oreaae. 


Wb  are  sorry  that  the  fat  cattle  did  not  sell  well  this  year.  Their 
over-5)be8itv  seems  to  have  been  one  of  the  causes  of  their  going  off  so 
heavily— which  is  no  wonder.  Fat  oxen  cannot  be  expected  to  be  brisk. 
Now  this  truth  has  been  brought  home  to  graziers,  perhaps  they  will 
abandon  the  system  of  fattening  animals  so  enormously ;  which  is  the 
merest  infatuation. 

The  SoTiEEiGH  Contempt.— The  Kiko  op  Prussia  ! 


TKBT  UTTtE  DIFPEREITCE  BETWEEN  THEM. 

An  eminent  Tallow  Chandler  in  the  Citr,  being  asked  what  he  thought 
of  the  great  candle  difference  between  Mb.  St.  Barnabas  Bennett, 
and  the  Bishop  op  London,  replied  that  "  he  could  see  very  little 
Terence  between  them— it  was  six  short  sixes  of  the  one  against 
half-a-doxenof  the  other."  

FoBssieHT  OP  oim  Amcsstobs. — It  was  extremely  kind  of  onr 
ancrators  to  place  Smithfield  Market  so  near  a  Ho^tal  f 


TRIMMINGS    FOR   TRACTARIANS; 

OR,  ROMAN  "  NOSES  "  IN  BELGRAVIA. 

Messietjrs  Noses  have  found— without  very  great  search- 
There 's  a  slight  disa^ement,  just  now,  in  the  Church. 
Some  parties  by  daylight  wish  candles  to  bum. 
Or  this  way  or  that  way  would  bow.  kneel,  or  turn; 
But  others  not  liking  the  views  of  those  gents. 
The  result  has  been  recent  unpleasant  events. 
The  discussion  of  questions  like  these  I  decline; 
In  fact  they  are  quite  out  of  Noses's  line. 
All  but  one.  and  on  that  a  few  words  I  will  say. 
Because  public  opinion  assures  me  I  may. 
Messieurs  Pusey  and  Co.  lay  on  one  point  great  stress ; 
"Which  is,  as  of  course  you'll  anticipate,  dress. 
Now  I've  mentioned  a  theme  that  s  contested  by  none 
To  be  quite  in  the  province  of  Noses  and  Soy. 
Wlicre  they  see  demand  brisk,  prompt  supply  to  impart. 
In  Belgravia  they  Ve  opened  a  splendid  branch-mart ;    " 
Of  t  lieir  business  still  further  extending  the  scope, 
MESSIEURS  N.  AKD  SoN  thcrc  sell  stole,  amice,  and  cope  ; 
Best  chasubles,  too,  may  be  had  very  low, 
And  Tractarians  vriil  also  find  albs,  quite  the  go. 
In  the  first  style  of  fashion  prevailing  at  Rome 
Every  article  s  cut — so  they  '11  feel  quite  at  home. 
To  their  palliums  the  Noses  attention  direct ; 
Their  pontificals  all  are  extremely  select. 
If  your  Puseyite  wants  under-clothhM  that  hurts. 
He  had  best  go  to  Noses  and  Son's  for  hair-shirts. 
Manufactured  expressly  of  super-stiff  bristles. 
That  will  sting  you  like  nettles,  and  prick  worse  than  thistles. 
There 's  a  lai^  stock  of  sandals  from  which  he  may  choose. 
At  NosEs's  likewise ;  besides  boots  and  shoes. 
Which  will  fit  to  a  T.  should  the  customer  please. 
Or  leave  room,  if  he  likes,  for  a  number  of  peas. 
For  those,  too,  whom  satire  calls  clerical  Bats, 
There's  an  ample  and  various  assortment  of  hats, 
Fnien  tiara  to  plain  sacerdotal  black  cap, 
Or  friar's  flat  wideawake,  wanting  in  nap ; 
Wiiieh,  with  cloak,  hood,  cowl,  cassock,  uid  girdle  to  match,     • 
Is,  at  Noses's  prices,  a  regular  catch. 
All  these  garments,  in  shorty  would  have  just  suited  Laud, 
And  the  stock  Pio  Nono  himself  would  applaud. 
Gome,  run  then,  ye  reverends  of  Pimlico,  run, 
And  be  rigged  out  like  Romans,  by  Noses  and  Son  ! 

*»•  A  ocw  book  called  "Divinity's  Darling,"  just  published,  with 

directions  for  sell-measuremeut. 


A  CHRISTMAS  ADVERTISEMENT. 

trn  Metropolitan  walls, 
about  Gluistinaa 
time,  genially 
present  a  juTenile 
invocation  to  a 
parent,  commenc- 
ing with  the  very 
touching,  and,  ac* 
oordingly.  very 
takingwords,"Do, 
Papa,  buy  me  so 
and  so."  As  the 
idea  is  getting 
8tale.when  applied 
to  Peter  Parley- 
nmSi  snA  matters  of  that  infantine  class,  we  sumest  that  it  miriit  oe 
rendered  more  telling  and  novel  by  something  like  the  fdlowing: — 
"Do,  PnpiL  buy  me  Petersdorie's  Abridgment:  it's  in  sixteen 
beautiful  volumes,  so  nice,  so  large,  and  so  cheap— only  twenty  guineas !" 


"A  Beal  Lad  of  Waac" 

Is  one  were  called  npon  to  give  the  best  instance  of  myl^pfad 
courage,  wc  would  point  to  the  Dronze  medallion,  which  has  just  been 
Dut  up  on  the  Trafalgar  Column^  and  whidi  illustrates  the  &ct  of 
Nelson  exiling  for  a  candle  and  a  piece  of  wax  for  his  letter,  refusing;  for 
fear  the  enemy  should  th*nk  he  was  In  the  least  hnrried  ln[  their  gnna. 
to  se^  it  vfiih  a  wafer.  We  maintain  that  the  abore  £Mst  isue  itronnsi 
proof  on  reoord  of  wtwqfennf  amrage,  iJBravof  lUrm  cimtTmm, 
/or  Nelson.)  ""'' 


PUNCH,  OR  THE  LONDON  CHARIVARI. 


265 


50DTI1  STAFFORDSHIKE  AKD  THE  EXHIBITION  OF  1851. 

We  understand  that  South  Staffordshire  will  be  m  pertinently  rcprc- 
HcntcJ  in  the  Ciystfli  Paboe  as  in  tbc  llou^e  of  Commons;  where 
IX)H[)  Ls'wisnAU  BupplJcs  the  senatorial  porcelain  clsy,  to  the  advan- 
tage alike  ^>^  tbc  county  and  the  country.  His  Lordship  attended  a 
Into  Protection  feast  at  Sutton  Coldficid  ;  and  "greatly  daring,  dined" 
iu  houour  of  a  hopeful  return  to  lii^h  pricM.  His  Lordship,  moreover, 
nukde  a  speech ;  mnffins  a  few  pearls  and  diainouds  at,  uliat  he  happiiv 
called,  the  Great  FTxhmition  of  Reciprocity  in  Hvde  J^ark,  iu  which 
*'  industry  vfrs  to  be  forced  Like  early  asparagus ; '  and  his  Lordsliip 
might  liare  added,  like  much  after-dinner  phvinence,  "  under  .1  plass. ' 
Further,  his  Lordsliip,  "putting  Fri-e  T  '      ndly 

did  hojie  thai  the  Govcmmont  wnul.l  ;uid 

others  of  thai  stamp  who  belonged  t. i.-..   ;.m' >  -  -dt  in 

Ijondon,  did  not  give  the  nation  a  Kperimcn  of  their  industry  also,  ou 
the  occasion." 

The  visdom  and  eof>d  lasto  of  this  allusion  were  not  lost  upon  the 
conunercial  xneu  oi  Staffordshire ;  for  next  morning  a  depuUition  of 
masters  from  tlic  Potteries  waited  upon  lits  Lordship,  earnestly  praying 
of  hitn  that  he  would  condescend  to  sit  for  a  Mue— a  Monster  Mug  - 
to  be  formed  out  of  bis  rxaggcmtcd  portrait^  of  tbe  very  best  Stafford- 
shire clay.  IU  a  triumphant  specimen  of  tbe  county  manufaetore.  And 
this  vessel— to  be  known  as  the  LcwisharaMug— wQl  be  so  constructed, 
in  order  to  illustrate  tbc  peculiar  faculty  of  nis  Lordship  as  a  senator 
and  an  nrator,  that  whatever  may  be  poured  into  it  shall  always  riso 
above  the  top;  so  Ihrtt  whilst  tbc  mug  shall  really  contain  notuiug  in 
itself,  it  Bhall  never  fail  to  display  to  the  world— on  caonnoas  bead  of 
froth. 


"HERE  THEY  ARE  ALL  A-GROWING." 

Tiim  Proprietor  of  the  Baker-Street  Bazaar  (which,  by  the  bye,  is 
rather  a  RoKaar  of  Butchere  than  Bakers)  has  been  solicited  bv  the 
SniidiGeld  Cattle  Show  Committee  to  enlarge  his  premises.  Tins  is 
evidently  done  witli  the  wise  provisiou— or  rather  the  foresight  of 
future  provisions — that,  if  the  animals  keep  growing  in  the  same  ex- 
traordinary proportions  they  have  hitherto  dune,  nut  only  must  tbe 
doors  be  enlarged  to  receive  them,  but  the  whole  Bazaar  considerably 
widened  to  contain  even  one-twentieth  ^^art  of  thcui.  The  pigs,  alone, 
are  swelling  out  to  such  tremendous  dmiensions,  that  they  will  soon 
outgrow  all  recollection  of  their  urimilive  size.  It  would  not  be  a  l)ad 
plan,  we  tldnk,  to  hang  one  of  Morland's  pictures  up  in  the  Pig 
Department,  in  order  to  give  the  spectators  some  idea  of  what  the  size 
of  tlic  pig  originally  was.  The  same  plan  might  be  carried  out  with  the 
other  animals.  La^dseeb.  or  Stdney  Cooi-pk,  should  be  commissioned 
to  paint  portraits  of  the  Sheep  and  llie  Bull  and  the  Cow  in  days  of 
yore,  so  as  to  give  the  non-mangel-wurzel  pubUc  some  estimate  of  what 
those  animals  respectively  were  in  weight  before  they  h.nd  become  "per- 
manently enlarged,"  in  the  hands  of  the  fiittcner  aud  the  adceseller. 
Some  scale  of  measurement  will  be  absolut«ly  necessary,  or  else  our 
chUdreu  will  be  imagining  that  the  cows  and  bulls  in  the  bucolic  davs 
of  VuGiL  were  of  tbe  same  Brobdignagiaa  proportions  as  those,  half- 
a-doxen  of  whom  at  present  caase  an  overflow,  (which  every  manager  of 
ft  theatre  must  envy,)  at  the  Baker  Street  Bazaar. 


EnglAnd'a  Peace-Offering. 


Thx  Crystal  Palace  may  be  looked  upon  as  a  noble  Temple  of  Peace, 
where  all  nations  will  meet  by  ap;)ointment  under  the  same  roo^  ana 
shake  each  other  by  the  hand.  It  is  very  curious  that  one  half  of^Mn. 
PaxtoN's  name  should  be  aiguiftcant  of  Peace.  We  propose,  therefore, 
that  over  the  principal  entnnce  there  be  erected  in  large  gold  letters 
the  following  motto,  so  that  all  foreigners  may  read  it  as  a  friendly 
salute  on  the  part  of  England : — 

••PAX(TO»)  VOBISCUM." 


The  Battle  of  Haatings. 

We  all  know  that  Hastings  is  very  near  a  little  place  called  Battle ; 

ikod,  from  the  belligerent  manner  in  which  Sir  Thomas  HASTDros  has 

been  writing  to  Mk.  Cobden,  we  should  thiuk  the  nohle  Admiral  was 

anxious  to  put  himself  up  as  a  0nger-post  on  the  liigh  road  to  Battle. 

l-nainted 
tama  the 
poudence 
lirst,  and  they  will  at  once  sec,  in  all   its  gloominess,  the  inviting 
grandeur  of  the  subject.      

DESCHIPTlOll  OF  PUSEII8M. 

A  Last,  being  asked  for  a  description  of  Puseyism,  said,  "it  ap- 
peared to  ncr  like  an  Actiiur  Charade— the  meaning  of  which  it  was 
very  difficult  to  find  out,"  Like  all  puzslmg  Charades,  then,  which  it  is 
impossible  to  guess,  tbe  soonci  Puseyism  is  ffiten  up  the  belter. 


CO- 


OUR  MODEL  OF  SJUTHFIELD  MARKET. 

B  have  not  seen  the  model  that  was  exhi- 
bited by  the  City  Corporation  of  their 
S'<  rt.r.ri.)  Market;  hut  we  can  imuiae 
I  it  it  was,  if  it  was  in  the  Icut 
-lure. 
Wc  can  imagine  it  ciontatned  twice  as 
mnny  sheep  and  oxen  as  there  was  any 
convenirnt  space  for. 

We  r.in  imagine  that  the  droTcrs  were 
subjecting  the  i>oor  animals  to  nil  kinds  of 
cruellies,  in  order  to  force  the  above 
number  uito  the  small  0pace  allotted  for 
them. 

We  can  imagine  tbc  place  to  be  kcco* 
deep  in  filth;  and  the  market  to  be  one 
immense  scene  of  rioting,  confusion,  swear* 
ing,  and  quarrelling. 

*Ve  can  imagine  all  tbe  numerous  public- 

lionses  round  it  to  be  choke-full,  and  that 

the  drinking  does  not  much  contribute  to 

the  ^ntlcnesa  of  the  drovers'  tempers,  ur 

considerably  lessen  tbc   tumult   of   the 

scene. 

1    ii  itmM  kimw  ^^  ^^  imagine  sheep  to  be  lying  down 

i&^  nslw  immM       °^  ^^^  ground  in  tbe  last  stage  of  ex- 

Jyf"  Ulr  Y  >TVPrf        haustion,  and  infuriated  oxen  to  oe  plung- 

fmf  ^  rj^iy  v-^L        ing  down  tbe  strceta  in  all  directions, 

^^        ^'  vV'e  can  also  very  easily  imagine  a  man 

or  two  being  gored  to  death,  and  several 
old  women  Ming  tossed  in  the  air  in  oon- 
sc(mence :  but  no,  it  requires  no  imagination  to  believe  the  latter  facts, 
for  the  accidents  of  the  last  week  prove  but  too  painfolly  that  they  are 
sod  truths.  . ,  ,        ^  .,.,,»•,, 

All  the  above  incidents  should  have  been  represented  m  the  Model 
of  Smilhfield  Market,  if  it  -tos  in  any  way  a  faithful  copy  of  the  Market, 
as  it  at  present  exists,  or  must,  under  any  improvements,  exist,  as  long 
OS  the  nuiitanoe  is  nUowcd  to  continue  in  the  heart  of  a  Metropolis, 
which,  at  present,  namb^  a  population  of  near  upon  two  miUioo 
people. 

A  YORKSHIRE  JTHIY. 

A  ncrriAjr,  named  Johsc  Robwboh.  was  tried  last  week  at  York. 
The  follow  had  made  one  of  a  wedding-party  ^  and  crowned  bis  festive 
mirth  by  perpetrating  the  worst  offence  against  the  weaker  sex,  of 
which  tbe  brute  and  the  coward  can  becapable.  The  dastard  was  found 
guilty :  there  was  no  doubt,  whatever,  of  the  extent  of  uuary  suffered 
by  his  hapless  victim ;  an  innocent  young  woman. — one  of  the  brides- 
maids. And  a  Yorkshire  Juryj  after  five  hours*  deliberation,  return  a 
verdict  of  guilty ;  tempered  with  "a  strong  recommendation  to  mercy 
on  the  grounds  that  he  was  not  quite  sober  at  the  time,  and  excited  by 
the  peculiar  circumstances  in  wluch  he  was  pUced." 

Thus,  with  a  Yorkshire  Jury,  drunkconeu  pallialea  the  atrocity  of 
felon  lust ;  and  the  mirth  of  a  marriage  feast  affords  peculiar  circum- 
stances of  extenuation  to  the  cowardly  villainy  of  aTfRQUW  Hobimsou  I 
Tbc  women  of  York  ought,  bv  some  significant  testimonial,  to  comme- 
morate the  manly  wisdom  of  their  Civio  Jury.  We  presume  they  were 
all  bachelors,  without  ony  female  rchUions.  Indeed,  after  such  a  venLct, 
it  is  mode  rather  difficult  to  believe  that  twelve  such  apologists  in  a  box 
ever  had  mothers. 

Specimen  of  a  Bit  of  London  Fog. 

Tint  specimen  of  a  slab  of  fog,  too  thick,  untd  broken,  to  pass  through 
Temple  Bar,  has  been  brought  to  Mr.  Pun<h^  who— in  the  proportion  of 
one-twentieth  of  an  inch  to  a  foot— hero  gives  its 
grain  and  texture.  It  has  a  very  tine  sulphurous 
flavour,  and  is  perhaps  the  best  soecimen  of  the 
teal  London  article.  Mr.  Punch  thinks  tliat  London 
fog  might  become  a  very  profitable  article  of  com- 
merce, inasmuch  as  there  can  be  little  doubt  that, 
when  cut^  it  is  susceptible  of  a  very  high  polish,  and  might  be  worn 
as  mournmg-rings  or  shirt-studs' 


PROCBASTIff Alios   IN   BfWABIW   U   THE  THIEf  OF   BUJUT. 

OovERRKBNT  IS,  geoerallv  speaking,  very  dilatory  in  its  system  of 
rewards,  such  as  medids,  ana  marks  of  ment  and  promotion,  to  poor 
military  heroes,  but  we  never  heard  yet  of  an  instance  of  a  mark  of   L 
woU-eamcd   merit-u  pension,  for  inslanoe-bcms  de^i^^^;^^\,^ 
ment  to  a  government  functionary  sorofc  V«n:^V^  vk.  Vwnv^ 
rctiromeot  1 


MK.  BIUGGS  HAS  ANOTHER  GLORIOUS  DAY   WITH  THE  HOUNDS,  AND  GETS  THE  BRUSH  (FOR  WHICH 
HE  PAYS  HALF.A.SOVEREIGN-ONLY  DON'T  TELL  ANYBODY). 


TIMELY    CAUTIOH. 

~^  o»  attention  bas   been    di- 

rcctcd  to  the  following 
alannin^  advertisement  in 
the  TYmifi ; — 

"  Finy  WWowi*  Ctp«  Hftnds 
WftnUNl  tmmedl&tely.  Apjiljr 
U;"  Ac  Ac 

Wo  arc  married  our- 
selves, and  so  are  insured 
from  all  danger,  but  wc 
cannot  cantion  young  men, 
and  widowers  especially, 
too  strongly  agiiinst  the 
imminent  peril  in  whicli 
tbey  are,  every  one  of 
them,  placed.  They  bad 
better  stop  at  home  for  a 
month  or  two^  until  the 
danger  has  a  bttle  blown 
over.  The  police  should 
hare  the  same  instruction! 
with  regard  to  widows,  as 
they  have  with  refjard  to 
orange  peeL  that,  if  they 
see  any  wee^  encumbering 
the  pavement,  they  should 
infltantly  t^ke  them  up,  or 

Nmore  them,  so  that  the  public  may  be  protected  from  the  liability  of  any  ii^ury. 

Otlierwiie  it  will  be  scarcely  safe,  with  such  an  increase  of  widows,  for  an  umuarriod 
to  walk  the  atreeta  I 


Cattle  me  CovroAWTiBa.— The  Pope  sends  a  Bull  into  Scotland.    The  Scotch 
send  it  back  again,  and  infonu  his  Holineea  that  they  have  a  Kitox  of  their  own. 


CHRISTMAS  CAROL  FOR  THE  CRABBED. 

CHRiBTtus  comes  with  holly  twig, 
Christmas  comes  with  mistletcNe, 

Christmas  comes  with  waltz  and  jig, 
Christmas  oomes  witli— what  we  owe! 

All !  with  pudding  and  with  beef, 

Happy  child,  thy  stomach  &11. 
Heedless  of  thy  parents'  grief, 
FioGiNs's  and  Cleateb's  bill  f 

Foot  it  nimbly  on  the  floor. 
Youths  ancf  maidens— dance  avray ; 

Ho  whose  dancing  days  are  o'er. 
For  the  piper  has  to  pay  1 


Who  i»  ChAir*WaxP 


AiiONG  the  expenses  of  obtaining  a  patent,  we  find  re- 
peatedly in  one  transaction  the  name  of  ChaS'-wax,  placed 
opposite  to  a  fee  of  ten  shillings.  We  have  heard  of  oeeV 
wax,  sealing-wax,  and  cobblcr's-wox,  bat  Chaff-wax  was 
something  new  to  us,  until  we  found  that  he  is  entitled 
to  sevcru  half-sorereisna  upon  cveir  patent  Is  Chaff- 
wax  employed  to  cut  chaff  upon  the  humbug  of  the  pat«ot 
laws  ana  at  the  cxpcoac  of  the  ^tentee  ?  for  if  he  is,  why 
not  adopt  as  a  substitute  at  a  smglc  ooet  Mart  WtOLAXK's 
clioff-cutter  f  Chaff-wax  mu^it  be  some  lad  of  wax  who  hu 
obtained  a  snug  berth,  but  as  the  light  of  public  opiniea 
has  been  thrown  with  a  somewhat  powerful  force  upon 
the  shameful  absurdities  of  the  patent  laws,  we  advise  CdjUT 
to  drop  ibe  wax,  lest  he  may  bum  bis  fingers. 


SoNQ  yoB  Mb.  St.  Baakabas  Bbithitt.— "I"?* 
Kome-ing,  1  're  been  Rome-ing." 


AaoDi  ol  Uoonihlo«  (The).  ISI 

AdTertlMmenU  la  Mtth  Utt,  49 

AdillacotntM  Gwu,  U9 

AfTairof  Follr  (Am,  2ll 

AOura  of  Grcur  i;Vbe>,  x64 

Agcrcuioa  uu  ibe  Oii>nibua  Roolt*S10 

AljirniliiK  HbUoou  Acctdeot,  17I 

AlumlDE  State  of  Crop^,  ig 

■-  All  Sotdlcrr  are  OetitlemcQ,'*  II9 

Amfhcan  Klrctrxity,  iSo 

ADoiher  caudidaie  for  k  atktoe,  isg 

Anolticr  T'uoch  kt  Punch'*  Railway,  110 

Appeiil*  (or  KiiTcIt)-  iAn},«IO 

AiUelea  Intended  (or  KibtbiUoB,  br  oar 

Fsit  Man,  10 
At  Recolmr  ■»  Clockwork,  Os 
Auurance  acitnit  Bftilwrny  AecidcaU. 

109 
AiUey'i  M>crpv«.  IS* 
Amtronrinlcal  EKaminattOD  Parcr,  lOS 
Albol  Pau^Kirt  Office  (Tbei,  114 
AnttTtan  Sr Idien  Rampant,  lit 
Aatbora  o(  nur  Own  I'leuurei  (The),  HO 
BAaisa  At  the  Plar.  IftO 
Bftcoa'a  Dew  Brazen  Head,  IQ^ 
Ballooa   Srlfoltfic    Prepaiatioiu   for  the 

KniuloK  Week.  Oi 
Barclay  aud  Htrkioi'i  Orarmen,  lig,  jifl 
Bare  Probability,  ttU 
BaroD  Hotbacbild  011  a  Wbeelbarrow.  7s 
Baton  Voa  Relchcsbub's  Philuiotihy  of 

a  KU».  U4 
Battle  of  Hasting  (The),  still 
Bcc(  from  the  Vatican,  IHQ 
BeylDniui;  at  the  F(0)>er  Had,  96 
I^pinnlnff  n(  Ibe  Bnd  •Thri,  A8 
Bttl(raTianK'  Lameat  (The),  9i 
Between  Mr,  mod  Mra.  Jonei  and  the 

Poat.  «7 
BIranm  Wood  remoTeito  DuDilaane,  1O9 
Black  Pricce  (The),  fa 
Blackwall  aod  Wbttebalt,  IS 
'  llml  CoenpctlUoD,  UO 
Boarder  LU«  In  Eeslaod,  1S5 
BonDyematlv  and  Broadclolh,  6s 
Biieflfa*  on  Putcyite  Bell  Rlugmg,  S16 
Bn'anDia  Rulinc  t^e  Warca,  lis 
BritUh  Pouolalii  (The  ,  160 
Brougham  Arm*  iThrj,  i;t 
Brousham  Himteir  Aculni  iJS 
Bit  Of  my  Mind,  by  Mr*.  Mcuier,  1, 1 1,  Ac. 
BallJiDE  (^laM  Caatlca  \n  the  Air,  IS 
Dull  Klrhtol  London,  916 
Ball  llcbii  Id  Parti  (The),  ifl 
Burfla/e  Carouilug,  177 
Bttrlal  of  the  Dead  iTbej.S? 
Cabmam  (Tbe  ,110 
CalKorDlan  Coatume*,  I  OS 
Cambridfe  Babble  (The),  103 
CUibrldce  Job  (The),  it 
Ounbrldffe  Hooucncnt  (Tltei,  ;i,  90,  SIO 
Carapalfna  ri(  I^aU- Napoleon  (Tte),  I/& 
Can  Anything  be  mnre  IntolrrmUe  t  79 
CaoBlballam  Id  the  Army,  S3 
Cardinal  and  Gooae,  SS6 
Cardinal**  llat  (The),  101 
Cart  before  tbe  Hone  iTbe],  77 
Caiclica  In  the  New  World,  loO 
CktAlogue  ol  the  BritiAh  Maaeam,  100 
LVlcftial  ranlly  (The),  UD 
Chancery  and  Chancery  Lane,  Idl 
Cbanc«ry  Lao*  worthy  <it  lia  Name,  \6i 


Charity  begins  after  Dinner,  103 

Charity  Made  Ea»y.  43 

CheertDl  Farmer  (Thcl,  16A 

Chlltern  Uandreda  iThe),  » 

Chtp,  Chuw,  Cherry,  Chow,  90S 

Chiutmai  Advertisement  (Al.  S61 

Chrtairaa»  Beet  io  the  City.  Sfi4 

ChtU*inai  Carol  for  tbe  Crabbed,  i66 

Church  on  the  ConllocDt,  );fi 

City   Commlttec'a   Report  o(   Smltbfiflld 

Maiket,  Dg 
Clalroafor  the  BrltUh  Chorus,  if) 
Cllmatea  for  all  Natlooe,  33g 
ComiDc  Lrent  (A),  I5g 
CompfaiDtv  ot  QuctUoni,  S3d 
CooKleitce  Honey  Haula,  lOl 
Con«tantliiD[>le     RcmoTed     to     Recent 

6treet.  g; 
C  iilractlDS  Bad  Habile,  114 
C'ODuridruni  for  Farmer*,  \7i 
Convent  o(  tbe  Belcraviana  (The),  103 
(^nveriatlODi  odbe  Sanday-Baand  Let- 

ten,  8 
CoaTcrMtione  of  I^rd  Broarham,  6q 
Convlct*i  Gaetrooomlc  Hegooeialor,  33 
Coimopollte  Motto  (A),  183 
Coat  of  oQf  CoDialar  E«talil>ftboacnla,  130 
Coantrr  In  Alarm  (The  ,  )/' 
Coort  that  la  Alwaya  Adjouralug  Ttie), 

ISO 

Cruel  Caie  of  Jew-DroppLor,  00 
iiAMAQK*  ^:}ea.  M 
Dangei*  of  OnnlbaaTravclllnKt  lio 
Darkeat  Ifluatlce  lTb«).Sft3 
Day  at  Camden  Town  lA),  0 
Defenceleva  State  of  Entlu'd,  "SO 
DetlructloDof  WetttmlnKter  Mall,  191 
Ui&ry  of  the  UippOfKitBmue,  :io 
DifTereoce  between   Ficiicti  aud  Ensllali 

Uarr)cadei,  131 
Diipcosary  IndlepCQsable  (A),  90 
Ooraettie  Scenei,  3ia 
Datikey  on  Ballonna  (A),  dp 
Down  Uo  the  Brldffee,  Uh  1  78 
Diaraaa  for  Brery.Dxr  Ute,  m,  144*  ISO 
Drama  in  Chancery  (Tbr).  S7 
Dream  of  Wbttefrian  lA),  ibS 
Dacka  and  Drakoi  la  8t,  Jamee'e  Park. 

153 
Duelling  5ca«on  <'The),  30 
Duke  In  the  Parki  (Tbe).  133 
Duke  of  Cambrldfe'i  Annii'ty,  Its 
Fjbat.v  Cloaloc  of  Glea  Til\  tM 
jArly  ClotlogSboikecpcr  >Thej,  i» 
Kconomica  of  Smoking  iTbe  .  37 
Rirctlvo  aitd  Collective  Wiedom.  73 
Eleven  Wordi  on  Toleration,  930 
Bmpcror  tn  a  Bottle  ;An),  170 
Kncland  Eipecta  crery  Btahop  to  do  hi! 

Duty,  70 
Enrlend'e  Greeo  Wood*  and  Forcett,  101 
Enrland't  Peace- Offerlor,  SOft 
KnKliKh  Oratitude.  00 
EoKlihl)  Locaa'a,  134 
Krr'jr  or  the  Preti  (An),  I0» 
KxliibiilLnnf  ISfll,  nq 
Exbibiiion  Placue  (The),  191 
Kfpeoktve  Game  of  Marble»  (Ani.  134 
Kxiracta  from  the  Ihab  Hoe  and  Cty,  tdl 
Kairt  Land.  04 
Faihtou  for  Coqoettei.  It 
Faablooable  Orfau  (Tb«),  19 


Peatheted  Chorliteii  for  Canterbury,  130 
Pemale  Barii*le|-:,  144 
FUet  A|>i>e«rance  thU  SeasoD  of  the  Ame- 
rican Seriiebt,  111 
Plahmofiggr  I'aetgri7l 

Flowcn  of  Faal)lona|ile8pc*eh,  101 

Florkcyiam  In  Ebony,  fi0 

Foolery  of  Faibton,  13 

Porelgnera  maktnc  ttte  with  England, 

190 
Foor  F/taenlea  and  Tbre«  Cliapli>ne,  (I7 
FngmenCa  froni  tb*  Hielory  of  Caahmcre, 

StI 
Preaoh  ImproTing  (The),  iSi 
From  a  Tery  Old  Friend,  «7 
From   an    Kx-Luuatk    to    tbe    Dake    Of 

Atboll.  170 
From  an  Old  Friend  In  a  Kew  Place,  0 
Fruiia  of  Hailway  Travellmc  (Tbe),  M 
Gaui  Dukea.  ISS 

Gentlfmeo'e  Fa»bloD«  forltae Sea-aide, 77 
■  Opininn  oo  Hale  1  A.),  950 

enuioe  Piize  Song  for  Jenny  Lind.  IflS 

elllnc  tbe  Wronir  Antmal  br  the  Ear,  70 

laRK  Konaea  of  Parliament  (Tbc».  31 

1m«  Piilace  and  ita  Architect,  I&8 

o\of  a  little  Too  Far,  s6i 

Good  "  Botler  (The),  I0g 

af>od**  Royal  Domeillca,  174 

ood  Torn  for  Tounata  {A),  83 

ordon  IK  CumfT^t«ir  iThei,  i«4 
^o^einment  and  the  Paiki,  I3& 

ovcrntneni'ii  llnikea  fllambera,  ftO 

ovtrnoA  (jnndrra  ITbe),  131 

rand  National  Coocett*  i^The)  191 
Grnnil  Facade  Canal    1/0 
(irand  Scramble  of  Dlanonds.  74 
Qraod  Terpdeboreaii  Feat,  S4P 
•«rcat  Clock  Caae  A^aln  (Tbe  ,  34 
Green  Grow  the  Critlca,  Ob  1  S4) 
Greenwich  Fair,  tireeowlcb  Park,  and 

Greenwich  llovpllal,  3 
Great  WHab  BtUcddfodd,  IAS 
Qrceos  to  tt)c  (Jrren,  3S 
Groan  from  the  Connter  (A],  01 
Growl  rroro  the  BtJiidoir  (A),  SO 
Half- Holiday  at  llampatead  >A',0 
HardMt  Worked  man  In  ibaClty  (Tbt\  40 
Hat  Reform  (The),  150 
Hatophobia,  14S 
Haunted  Cburchyardi,  Ii4 
Haynau'i  Taat«  of  Barclay  and  Feiklea'a 

Entire,  114 
Helfcrveecencc  of  Wit.  963 
Hrlrbt  o(  ExtraTaKaoee  (The),  100 
Here  '■  tu  tbe  Volume,  1 
"  lUre  Uiey  are  all  BKrowInf,"  ZAs 
Her!  for  Scotland'*  Law,  97 
Hl|l)  Qualdcatlooft  fur  a  Prealdent,  1)0 
Hip,  Hip,  Hip,  fiT  the  Hlppopoiamat.y0 
Utppopotamoain  a  New  Character,  gs 
HlttioE  Two  Oppoilte   sccta  wtta  the 

■ame  Proveib,  140 
Hob  and  Nob.  lOS,  1)0 
H»mte>pathic  Syntem  of  Rewardi,  its 
H(io»B  ctf  I^rdu'  Orderly  (Tha),9 
"  Houtekeeper  Wanted,"  log 
How  do  yoQ  like  It  7  9* 
How  to  Avoid  bccomiuE  ft  Great  Crimi- 
nal, 333. 
How  tu  enjoy  &  Holiday,  1 
How  to  make  a  Scrjeaof.  tss 


How  to  make  Ro|1and  a  LaocMnf -stock 

for  the  Pope,  »ai 
Bow  to  RUe  in  Prance.  I7t 
Mow  to  8p*nd  a  Holiday  Shillinr,  I 
How  we  do  Bnalncaa  in  iba  Houte,  03 
How  will  Glaae  afTect  the  Hamaa  Praine 

104 
Hadeon  Take*  ■  Step  forward.  79 
Hyde  and  Seek,  sy 
Imaoimaht  Dlalorae  rAa\  43 
Imperial  Bajcman  (The),  04 
Improve  yoar  wave  In  Chancery,  100 
locreaaed  Attraction,  Incrcaaed  Pay,  33S 
In  Medio  TutlutmuB,  9 
In  Mtdio  (Nor.)  TutlMlmae,  07 
Inaolrnce  of  Beadledom,  3 
Invasion  of  Eocland,  314 
Irleh  American  Hra  Serpent,  134. 141, 
It  la  all  a  Matter  of  Con]«ctare,  37 
JaNKiwi  for  Atboll.  I0& 
Jenny  Uod  and  the  Americana,  I4O 
Joomey  np  lb*  Monnment  (A),  I 
Jiidce  Knocklnc  at  rti*  Door  (AJ,  08 
Jotllen'a  Next  Quadrtlle,  831 
JalUen  leeo  la  a  MooMot  of  loaptratlon, 

17 
Jualice  to  Bachelora,  3«3,  310 
KiKDaao  Qaacke,  fS0 
Laiova  and  lb*  Rich,  319 
Lament  of  tb*  Man  In  Braaa,  300 
Last  Man  ot  tba  6«a*oa  (The).  1 1 1 
Laat  Momenta  of  a  Condemned,  98 
Lay  of  the  Inprtaoaed  tiondoner.  00 
Laytne  on  tbe  Cambridc*  Batter  a  lltUo 

t  o  thick,  ISO 
Leadlof   Article  on  the    Admiralty  and 

their  Iron  Steamer*.  140 
Lcavea  from  tbe  Artichoke,  97 
Legacy  to  Flaokita  (A<,  43 
Liffbu,  LIchU,  I  aayl  lOO 
Urbto  ^d  Sbadet  of  SoottUti  Joaraal- 

um,  103 
Lion  Haiitreaa  of  Bclcravla  (The),  tg.  01 
Little  BDcech  from  a  LttUa  Bloe-COAt 

Boy,  1 7 
Look  at  Home.  43 

Lord  BroDB^am'a  Vtiit  to  AfflChca.  40 
ItorA  poublejehn.  0s 
Lord  Mayor'!  Show  (The;,  104,  903 
Lofd  nf  the  G!eo.  Ifig 
Lord  Saekcloth  and  Aihleyi,  9 
Lord  Stanley  and  the  Boiwortb  Field  of 

Prot«llon.  HI 
Load  Cnci  of ' '  Name  l  Name  I  '*  37 
Lnnc«  of  London,  143 
Maidb  of  all  PoperyWork.  tSS 
Make  yoar  Game,  Princea,  70 
Making  Joke*  by  Steam,  &d 
Malediction  of  lliarlaa  [The).  1«3 
Uancbeater  Boy** and  Otrla*  School  (TiM)* 

103 
Master  Johiiny'a  Holiday  L«ttar*./4 
Mawworin  Redlvivu*,  l»C 
Mechl'a  Mafic  Cropa.  6ft 
Meetinr  wiihoutAn  AdiourDm«ot(A},  lis 
Melancholy  MukIdc*.  17* 
II  T  niald  1  Lait  hew  Sonc  (The),  110 
Mill  of  Atboll'a  Olen  (Tbe),  1/3 
MtnUler  to  bla  Majority  (Tbe),  $t 
Modal  Pastoral,  340 

MomcDtoua  a.«wl^\«A  ^T>M.^  ,1^^ 


\ 


Uaatj  no  Object,  m 

Kowtsr  Stmwbtnrr  (Hm),  49 

MoBOBMnt  to  Lord  AiUoy  (A),  67 

Hon  Bboat  BkU,  194.  M4 

Moat  Moriof  Tale  (A),  I69 

Mother  Cbordi  and  her  Kaofhtf  CMl- 

droD,  HI 
Honntaln  of  Ufbt  (Tha),  is 
Mr.  Ualont  Aeoonnt  of  tha  Bait,  i3 
Mr.  Pnneh'a  Appeal  to  an  Emtnant  Ap- 
pealer, SSS 
Mr.  Pundi'a  QaoM  Ltat,  149 
Mr.  PoDch  to  Plo  Noao,  179 
Mr.  Panch*!  THbate  to  Boyer,  901 
Mr.  PoBoh'a  Addraas  to  the  Great  City 

ofCaatlebar,  903 
Mr.  See  Saw,  is 
Moaeam  nee  (The),  S05 
Muie  and  Mannera  In  London,  300 
Mnaie  baa  Cbarma,  4 
My  Stan  and  Qarten,  03 
NArOLKOK  CrowlDg  the  Alps,  49 
National  Relief  (A),  8 
Kepaaleae  Hunt  (Tbs),  49 
New  Cab  Beialationa(The),  118 
New  Oirtoar  fnr  a  Cardinal,  199 
New  C17  (A),  07 

New  Dallf  BmninarT  of  the  Debates,  1 1 
New  Oxford  Costama  (The],  sfll 
New  Royu  Game  of  Gooae  (The),  4 
New  Waj  to  Pave  Old  Ones  (A),  43 
Next  Balloon  Aicent,  ifls 
Nlffht  of  Pleasure  and  "  Prophit*"  (A),1R 
No  Bcneflt  of  the  Act,  lig 
No  more  Babies  at  the  Theatre,  1 79 
No  Sneh  Luck,  93 
No  niorooffbfare,  170 
Notea  ol  a  l^wa  Trareller,  164 
Noreltjr  In  the  Month  of  September,  1 1 1 
"Now,  by  St.  Faal*s,  the  Work  goes 

bniTely  on,"  89 
Nursery  Rhymes  for  Great  Babies,  ssfi 
On  I  where,  aod  oh  1  where,  la  the  A^ed 

Tortoise  cone7  77 
Old  ProTsrb  with  a  New  Fuet  (An),  999 
Old  Saw  Nswly  Set  (An),  SOfi 
Omlaalona  from  the  Lord  Mayor's  Show, 

911 

On  Birds,  Balloons,  and  Bolnssea,  910 
One  way  to  Oppose  Papal  Af  gression,  940 
Orl(tn  of  the  term  "  8btp-sh«pe."  Ito 
Orlflnnl "  IneftUe  Plnnkey  "  cTheJ,  1 19 
OnrUttle  Bird,  191 
Our  Model  of  Bmithfleld  Market,  lOS 
Oar  Truant  Ambassadors,  914 
Palacb  Periodical  (The),  98 
Panorama  of  the  British  Constltation,  79 
Parks  and  tkt  People  (Itie),  144 
FarUamcntary  ActtatUm,  78 
Parliamentary  Joe  Miller  (A),  48. 194 
Patent  Paspengw  Detector  (The),  9i  l 
Pathetie  Appeal  of  49-Poanders,  19 
Patrons4(e  of  the  Drama,  I8I 
MwaJConcreu  (Tlie),  119 
Penny-a-lloers  under  Dtfflcattlet,  149 


FeBny-PostCerricr-Pifeon Society  (The), 

It 
Physic  and  Paftnlnr,  97 
Ple<Criut  PromUHi  98 
Plmltoo  Bosses,  98 
Platltodes,  93 
Playlnr  at  BaUooVs,  39 
Plea's  Don't,  999 
Pleasure  Trips  of  Brown,  Jones,  and  Ro. 

binson,  14,  94,  OO,  fl4,  sr,  &c. 
Poacher  of  WestmoreUnd  (The),  191 
Poet  at  Batteraea(The),  11 
Poet's  Idea  of  the  Submarine  Telefraph 

(A).  79 
Police  ReEolatiottB  for  the  Pabllcatlon  of 

Paneb's  Abnanaek.  9M 
FoUeemen  In  the  Bast,  82 
Pontifleal  News,  183 
Pt^ery  In  Flower,  and  Popery  In   the 

Bad,S4fl 
Popery  In  Pimlico,  990 
Pope's   Contribution  to   the  Exhibition 

of '8 1  (The),  900 
Post-Offiee  Pet  (The),  gt 
Premier  at  play  (The),  130 
Premier's  letter* Writer  to  the  Pope,  SOl 
PreroffStiTe  Wnng,  IS4 
President's  Hornpipe  (The),  119 
PrBTeotion  better  iban  the  bcsi  Cure,  109 
Primrose  Hill  and  Its  Prospects,  ll 
Proser  (The),  7>  99 
Proipeet  of  Hsmpton  Court  (A),  4 
Protaetlon  for  the  Electric  Eel,  130 
Pnff  Direct  (The),  97 
PuSoff  System  at  St.  Paul's  (The),  109 
PagpnacUy  of  the  Party  Press,  93 
Pomp  Handle  for  a  Joke  (A),  953 
Punch  on  Special  Pleadlnir.  399 
Punch's  Gaide  to  the  Seteoee  of  Things 

Familiar.  79 
Punch's  Handbooks,  101 
Punch's  Labour  Lost,  ss 
Punch's  Honameatto  Peel,  197 
Punch's  Notes  and  Qaerlee,  1S4 
Punch's  Penance.  904 
Punch's  Railway  Trareller,  190,  171.901 
Punch's  Boyal  Progresses,  100, 119 
Pnnrait  of  Jonmallsm  nnder  dlficnltles, 

)54 

Paseylsm  In  the  Police,  909 

Poseyttc  CatUe  Show,  399 

Pttseyite  Cosmetics,  109 

Puseylte  ••  Histrionics,"  919 

QoaaN  at  Sea  (The),  94 

Racb  for  an  Empire  (A),  193 

Railway  Grease,  939 

Railway  Romance  and  Reality,  97 

Rapid  Act  of  Assmansblp.  4s 

Rapid  View  of  the  English  Stace,  184 

Real  Clerk  of  the  Weather  (The),  919 

Retl  Lad  of  Wax  (A),  SA4 

Real  State  of  the  Case  (The),  183 

Real  Street  ObstrncUoDS  <The).  SO 

ReerultlDC  Department  tThe),  191 

Reflections  In  a  Crystal,  134 


Reform  yoar  Lawyer's  Bills,  IfiS 

Resistcr!  Re(isterl  Rwisterl  161 

ReKotar  Crammer  (A),  106 

Relief  for  onr  Panes  (A),  188 

Rdlflona  Warmth,  stl 

RenoTatlon  of  the  Thames ,  103 

RCvnbUqne  ponr  Rire  (The),  ss 

Revivals.  318 

RifTRaffon  Railways,  199 

Richmond  Park,  7 

Robberies  which  there  Is  no  Noise  about, 

ISS 
Roda  in  Pickle,  IN 

Roebuck,  the  Polite  Letter- Writer,  980 
Royal  ProTtdent  Pond,  93 
Rob  up  your  Blnnderbnss,  980 
Rapture  between  Rnfi  and  and  France,  I  u 
Sabbatarian  Slandei^  98 
Sacactty  of  American  Cats,  169 
Sctenoe  Head  orer  Heels,  83 
"SeaofHeada"(A),  190 
Sea-aide  Lodglni-Jionte  Market,  81 
Sea-side  Season  (The),  so 
Bbakspeare  Ik  la  FraD^aise,  19 
SbaU  BDgloAl  SwsUow  the  Leek  t  lOO 
Sbamefal   Robbery  committed  on  Mr. 

Wasbinfton  Irvtor,  74 
Shampooing  Made  Rasy,  144 
Sheriff  Carden  on  Army  and  Nary,  1S4 
Shop  I  188 

Short  Reriew  (A),  999 
Short  Way  with  the  Pope's  Puppets,  809 
Show-up  for  the  Americsn  Showman,  900 
Sibthorp  Cabinet  (The),  70 
Siitn-y  Qa*  Non  (A),  49 
Silence,  pray.  Silence  for  a  Pan,  199 
Singular  Force  of  Habit.  111 
Sir  Charlea  Wood's  Tales  of  Wonder,  999 
BkuUs  at  Cologne  and  Wiesbaden,  I3l 
Smithfield  Club  Cattle  Show,  390 
Smltbfleld  Ufe  PIU,  93 
Smoke  Nuisance  (The),  99 
Sometblnf  rery  Sorprlsiog,  17 
Some  Ways  are  Improved  Noways,  lp9 
■onir  of  the  Cambridge  Don.  ist 
Sonth  StafRirdshire  and  the  Bzhibltion  of 

1891.  S09 
Specimen  of  a  Bit  of  London  Fog,  308 
Spoons  of  War  (The),  190 
St.  Paul's  beating  St.  Peter's,  88 
Bt.People's  Park,  141 
Standing  for  a  Seat,  ss 
State  of  the  Railway  Market,  08 
SUtistles  of  Gay  Faux  Day,  304 
Stataea  of  the  Green  and  Good,  14S 
Step  not  Taken  (The).  193 
Stocks  in  Aid  of  the  Pulpit  (The),  133 
Strange  Likeness  between  the  Old  Bailey 

and  the  Opera,  37 
Stray  Piece  of  Wit  picked  up  at  the  Pro- 
menade Oooeerts,  ssg 
Summer  Novelties  in  Balloons,  99 
Sammer'a  Day  at  Kensington  (A),  8 
Summit  of  his  Ambition,  lOO 
Sunday  at  Sea,  84 


Sunday  at  the  Mint,  49 
Sereatlng  System  (The),  903 
Sympathy  for  the  Higher  Ordera,  940 
Takino  theNonsenans  oftbe  Coaiitiy,195 
Tale  of  an  Emigrant  Tub,  ISO 
Talent  wiU  make  a  Name,  194 
Talking  Elms  (The),  ss 
Temperance  Wine,  tOs 
Terrors  of  the  Thamea  (The),  SI 
"  Terms— caah  enly,"  01 
Testimonial  to  Mr.  Walker  at  Last,  159 
Things  for  a  German  to  Calculate,  48 
There's  no  Preserve  like  It,  104 
Thousand  Jokes  In  a  Thousand  Hours 

(A),  170 
TIekletoby  for  Ballmongers.  990 
Timtiy  Cantloo,  900 
"  To  Err  Is  Homan,"  1S0 
To  Persons  abont  to  Marry,  us 
To  Seaside  Lodgwa,  99 
Toomamenta  of  Smltbfleld  (The) ,  88 
I'raia  Taken  la  Execution  (A).  S31 
Trimmlni^  fyt  Tractarians,  904 
Tmatwwthy  Guide  to  London,  104 
Tarktsh  Bishop  (A),  S3 
Tom,  Gentle  Broogham,  3 
Two  Exhibitions  in  One,  100 
Twelve  Houn  and  Twenty  Mtnates  at 

RosherviUe.  0 
Unmatckal  Uterary  Pareot  (An),  19S 
Unprotected  Eogland,  394 
Ups  and  Downs  of  King's  Road  (The),  SB 
VsnicLB  of  Satire  (A),  9 
Very  Braaen  lYunpelt  (A),  19 
*  Very  Sorry,  bat  we  have  no  Room."  IO9 
Very  Worst  that  was  over  made,  183 
Voice  from  the  Bottle  (A).  800 
Voice  of  the  Charmer  (The),  1 1 1 
Waktbd.  Warehouse- room  for  Art,  910 
War  withont  a  Wherefore,  999 
Warning  to  SnuUl  Soverelgna,  190 
We  all  mast  bow  to  Cireamatanees.  49 
What  a  Person  may  do  on  the  Senday, 

and  what  he  may  not  do,  sg 
What  may,  or  may  not  be  Exhibited  la 

May,  S3 
What 's  to  beeoane  of  Weatmlnsfer  Hall } 

109 
Where  ta  the  BriUsh  Uon  f  998 
WhUperlngs  In  the  OaUery  of  St.  PanPe. 

109 
Whitebait's  Invitation  to  Mintoters  (Ttae) , 

78 
Who  U  Chaff.  Wax  >  960 
Who  %  my  Under  1 
WiU  you  Buy?  Bay  t  Boy  t  SSi 
Windsor,  9 

Wiseman  in  hla  Dining-room,  S90 
Word  for  the  Nigbtlagale  (A),  lOl 
Word  or  two  on  Water,  89 
Worahipfal  Mr.  John  Ketch  (The),  S4 
Woman  and  the  Cat.  199 
Women  of  Windsor  (The),  3fll 
Ybohamrv  Cavalry  Reviewed,  O7 
Yorkshire  Jury  (A),  908 


tOBSOx: 

imAVBOBT  AXD  BVABS,  nxmM»t 


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